#but it didn't feel Miserably Difficult like it did earlier in the year.

[kirby-the-gorb]

[stiltonbasket]

Could we see some of Sizhui's point of view on the whole "my dad just got 'gifted' a new concubine and now he has to send me to war" thing? He's so sweet, always, and Im wondering what he's feeling + what he sees watch LWJ and WWX interact.

Wen Sizhui wasn't quite sure what to think when he heard that a new concubine would be coming to the Wei-fu.

In fact, he hadn't known what to think when his father took Yu-shushu and Li-yiniang in as concubines some six months earlier. Diedie had never been married, and he was far too virtuous to put one foot over the threshold of a brothel or take one of his servants as a tongfang; but one morning, Yu-shushu and Aunt Li simply appeared, as if his father had woken up at the advanced age of seven and thirty and decided that he must have both a shu wife and husband at once, if he couldn't have a legitimate spouse.

Sizhui couldn't imagine what to make of it. At first, he believed that his father had actually fallen in love, though it hardly seemed reasonable that Fuqin could fall in love with two people at once when he had entertained no suitors or bridal candidates over the past eighteen years—but Yu Zhenhong behaved as if he was Father's lover, and Wen Sizhui did not learn otherwise until his Qing-ayi announced that Li Shuai was with child.

The sounds of Li Shuai being ill in the night began scarcely eight hours after she arrived at the High General's manor; and Sizhui had been taught enough about the care of ladies in their confinement to understand (once he knew why she was sick so often, and why she didn't seem frightened about it) that her child couldn't possibly belong to his father.

Judging by the haggard look on Yu Zhenhong's face whenever Aunt Li had one of her bad days, it was likely that he didn't belong to Diedie, either.

And then, at the turn of the winter, Hanguang-jun arrived. This made some modicum of sense to Sizhui, because Wen-zongzhu was determined to mete out some form of punishment that would make Yu-shushu miserable without physically harming him: and also because Hanguang-jun was difficult to control, whether he had the use of all four of his limbs or not. Before his hasty removal to the High Genera's manor, it was evident that he would be less of a threat under Fuqin's care than the jailers'—so Wen-zongzhu freed Hanguang-jun from the underground dungeon, and warned him to keep his head down lest he provoke a manhunt for his young nephew, Lan Jingyi.

Now, nearly half a year after Father and Hanguang-jun's wedding, Sizhui finds himself wondering if his stepfather's kindness towards him is due to his love for that nephew, whom Hanguang-jun will likely never see again unless Wen Ruohan manages to capture him.

"Is that what you think?" Hanguang-jun asks, when Sizhui visits his courtyard on the day before his regiment's scheduled departure to Langya. "I understand why, of course: but you and Jingyi are wholly different to me."

Sizhui puts his head to one side like a curious bird. "Why?"

"Because you give me thrice the amount of heartache that he does, if not more," his stepfather says drily. "I never had to fear for my nephew's life until the night I was captured, when I saw your father's men fighting their way towards Jing'er on the battlefield. Before that, he was so well-protected by my brother and Nie-zongzhu that he rarely suffered so much as a nosebleed in my presence. To know that you will be going to war—a child like you—"

His voice stutters.

"Father managed to get permission for me to go as a medic." Sizhui says quickly. "If General Dai agrees with Wen-zongzhu, I can stay behind the front lines and keep away from the fighting altogether."

"En. Good," Hanguang-jun nods.

He turns away and wheels himself towards the chest of drawers on the other side of the room; and once there, he opens the bottom drawer to reveal the sandalwood box Diedie gifted to him that New Year's.

"Come here," he says quietly. "Hold out your arm."

Hanguang-jun reaches into the box and withdraws something long and shining from its depths. At first glance, it seems to be a skein of silken thread: but when Wen Sizhui looks closer, he realizes that the object is a fine lock of his stepfather's hair, braided into a smooth, dark rope and reinforced with eight minute silver clasps.

"What is it?" he asks, as Hanguang-jun pulls him closer and loops the lock of hair thrice about his wrist. "Did my Fuqin..."

"Your father had nothing to do with this," Hanguang-jun replies at once, as if he were afraid of being overheard. "The hair is mine, and I have strengthened it with my spiritual energy, so that it will not break or fray—and the silver clasps were made from the cloud ornament on my mo'e.

"This will keep you from coming to harm at the hand of any soldier trained in the Lan school of cultivation, but it is not infallible. No spiritual blade forged in the Cloud Recesses will be able to touch you while the bracelet is on your wrist, but it will have no effect if you are attacked by a Nie cultivator, or a Lan whose cultivation is too poor for anything but a common sword."

He grasps Sizhui's hands and looks up into his eyes: and suddenly, Sizhui remembers the steady gaze of his late grandmother, who passed away just after Father was last elevated in Wen-zongzhu's service.

"Go to Wei Ying," Hanguang-jun says roughly, nearly five minutes later. "You and he will be parted in the morning, and you have not yet said farewell to your yima and Yu Zhenhong."

Wen Sizhui nods and makes his way to the door. He pauses on the threshold and turns back to look at Hanguang-jun, who is still staring bitterly at the spot of red carpet Sizhui was standing two minutes ago.

"I'll be all right," he says, trying to smile. "After all, yifu—even your Jing'er made it back from Hejian, didn't he?"

At the mention of Lan Jingyi, Hanguang-jun looks positively wretched.

"He had his father with him. I was there, too," he murmurs. "And if that arrow had not touched Wei Ying, you would have never had to ride to war without your father at your side."

[snaggletoothedbastard]

While I was in the shower earlier, I realised that Kitty's relationship with Eleanor is surprisingly similar to my relationship with my best friend in primary school. I was Kitty, if you filled Kitty with extraordinary amounts of rage, and my friend was Eleanor. I must admit our friendship wasn't very healthy. I simultaneously idolised and resented my friend because she made me feel inadequate, like I had to prove I was worth spending time with. She was cool, she was trendy, she was sarcastic, she was judgemental, and she always seemed to have the upper hand. I would try to tell her about something I was interested in and she'd tell me it was stupid and boring. I would suggest a game to play and she would ignore me. I would be having a conversation with her and she would get all pedantic and argue with everything I said. She would randomly go off with someone else and I'd be left with no-one to talk to because I was terrible at making friends. I felt like I had to live up to her ever-changing standards and we'd both get angry when I couldn't.

I didn't realise that she was hurting me until Year Six, when things escalated dramatically and the mild teasing turned into active bullying. It went from "I'm cooler than you" to "I want you to be miserable" very suddenly, and for no apparent reason. We stopped being friends and I avoided her like the plague, but that was difficult to do because practically every girl in our class was at least well-acquainted with both of us, and I was scared I'd be ganged up on so I avoided the rest of them too. Then I got an e-mail from my friend. She was hugely apologetic and wanted to be friends again. I can't actually remember what my response was. I don't think the drama ended there, because the passive aggression and the snide comments and the poking me in the back when we were lined up continued almost until the end of the school year, but eventually the resentment faded. In Year Seven, my friend left school and moved away, and before she left she hugged me. I was honestly happy that things were changing, like we were being given a clean slate and a chance to move on. We could only communicate digitally from then on, and we haven't actually spoken to each other for a bloody long time, but I no longer consider her to be my enemy.

Why did I just tell you my life story? Because I saw a post yesterday that was complaining about Eleanor's "redemption" and saying it shouldn't have happened. Frankly I wouldn't call it much of a redemption. There's no arc to it. We don't see what happens next. We don't know if Eleanor becomes a better person after Kitty's death or if she stays the same. We don't know if she is punished for her bad behaviour or if she's rewarded for wanting to be better. Literally all it is, is Eleanor realising she fucked up and feeling remorse. That's it. Nobody tries to excuse her actions. Eleanor does give us a reason for disliking Kitty: because she thought Kitty had taken something from her. It doesn't take a genius to know that this isn't a fair reason, because Kitty has been nothing but kind to Eleanor, and Eleanor herself acknowledges this.

Considering the whole context of Eleanor and Kitty's relationship, I think Eleanor's behaviour and her feelings about it at the end make sense. It's not that they're justified, because they're obviously not. It's just that it's realistic.

Think about it: Eleanor is a bully. She and Kitty are sisters, probably of similar ages, have grown up together for at least some of their childhood, and seem to receive the same level of affection from other people. Neither of them are obviously favoured more than the other. Eleanor isn't worse-off than Kitty is, nor is she significantly more powerful. They're equals, but Eleanor feels irrationally jealous.

They're both pretty young, and Kitty's naivety and Eleanor's pettiness suggest that they're not the most emotionally mature people in the world, which is fair enough because why would they be? Eleanor's immaturity is shown in the way she treats Kitty. Her bullying is always either motivated by jealousy, as we see in the flashbacks in Something To Share?, or simply because she finds it funny, as we see/hear in the book/audiobook when Kitty's reading from her diary. Her "jokes" do sometimes go into dangerous territory, like when she abandons Kitty for hours when they're playing hide and seek, or when she pushes her into the lake, but as far as we know there is no desire to seriously hurt Kitty, only to embarrass her or to spoil things for her. That's why I think the Six Idiots made the right decision when revealing Kitty's death. They had the other ghosts originally suspecting Eleanor, which makes sense because they know she was horrible, and this just reinforces that fact for the audience, but to be honest, if Eleanor had murdered Kitty that would be a serious escalation from the childish bullying. And from a writing point of view, they'd already had a "supposedly trustworthy family member turns out to be responsible for a ghost's death" plot already in The Thomas Thorne Affair, so doing that again with Kitty and Eleanor might have come across as lazy writing. And I think it just fits better with Eleanor's character and her relationship with Kitty that she didn't kill her. Eleanor is a bully, but she isn't a monster.

Thinking about their relationship, it makes sense, at least to me, that Eleanor had a change of heart right at the end. We know that she didn't like Kitty, but they were sisters and they treated each other like sisters and Kitty never did anything to hurt Eleanor, so it's safe to assume that Eleanor's feelings about Kitty would probably be quite complicated. And considering her immaturity, it's unlikely that she fully understands them herself. I imagine the threat of losing someone you're close to would be a pretty sensible reason to reconsider your relationship with them and wish it could have been different. I don't doubt that Eleanor would have wanted Kitty to go away when she was alive, but she'd be understandably shocked when Kitty is actually dying and she realises how serious the matter is. Even if they didn't get along, Kitty has been a very significant part of Eleanor's life, and everything is going to be different without her. I think that's what Eleanor is worried about, and that's what triggers the realisation that she's been horrible to Kitty and Kitty didn't deserve that treatment.

Eleanor isn't some kind of cartoon villain. She's a person. Not necessarily a good person, but still a person. And I can tell you from experience that sometimes real-life people have an unexpected change of heart. To be honest, Eleanor's makes more sense to me because I know what caused it. My friend's apologetic e-mail literally came out of the blue. For all I know, it might not even have been genuine. I still feel hurt by the way I was treated by my friend, but I know that's in the past and I can't change it so I might as well live with it. I've forgiven my friend, because I've tried holding a grudge and it's exhausting, and I know history won't repeat itself. Things are never going to be the same between us and that's okay.

Eleanor doesn't get forgiveness. At least, not that we see in the show. Kitty thinks Eleanor was a good person but that's because she wasn't aware that she was bullying her. The other characters in the show know how bad Eleanor was and make no excuses for her. Everything she did to Kitty is clearly shown as abuse, and the closest thing she has to a redemption arc is simply her own realisation that she was wrong.

Was this plotline executed flawlessly? Probably not, nothing's perfect. And I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but I hope my argument at least makes sense to everyone. If you're unsatisfied with how the show went, I'm sorry, but the only solution I can give you is: fanfiction. Read it. Write it. Immerse yourself in it. You can do whatever you want with fanfiction. Go mad. Write the ending you wanted and don't harass the show's creators.

[gentil-minou]

This is a REALLY unpopular opinion, but I actually really loved the break-up in 2521. It felt so realistic and so undramatic. Yes, it made me bawl like a baby, but I also felt it so deep in my bones. I was going through a very difficult phase with my boyfriend when I watched it, and it made me feel validated. Like, couples are allowed to have problems that may seem minor to outsiders, but it can matter so deep to the people involved that it can even lead to a break up. Such perfect depth.

See I wouldn't have minded the ending if it didn't completely go against the characters and their earlier scenes. I agree real couples and breakups have depth and nuances but we should HAVE SEEN THAT IN THE SHOW NOT JUST PRETENDED IT WAS THERE CAUSE THEY TOLD US IT WAS

Like, you're telling me they survived a longer separation when they were kids and weren't even together but then he goes off as adults and is seeing some of the most traumatic things ever and they butcher nhd's character so hard by going "yeah but he needs to pay more attention to ME" even though the foundations of their relationship involved distance and friendship LIKE COME ON. It destroyed their characters, byj WHOSE ENTIRE GOAL WAS TO GET BACK TO HIS LOVED ONES was like "actually I'm gonna stay in this place where I'm miserable because I have to or some bs" and nhd who was one of the sweetest most understanding caring person is like "actually I don't care about your trauma I care about what I want even though I'm the one who travels for work all the time" LIKE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE.

If they breakup happened for other reasons, or if we had seen more of their relationship falling part and like ah yes they need to breakup its good for them it might have worked but they didn't. Everytime they had am argument about byj's work they made up and moved on. But instead the main issue was miscommunication which I fucking hate in general but it was worse here because THEY ALWAYS COMMUNICATED WELL. EVEN WHEN ALL THEY HAD WAS FUCKING VOICEMAILS THEY COMMUNICATED WELL you cannot tell me they lost that ability by dating no fucking way make it make sense.

Because it didn't fit with their characters and what we knew of them and their relationship, the conflict didn't work for me and thus the breakup felt forced and unnecessary. The last two episodes felt like I was watching an entirely different drama with different characters because thye did not make any sense at all and just ugh

Also the fact that we clearly see both of them are unhappy in their later lives. NHD is always complaining about a shitty absent husband, and she didn't even seem happy when they were newlyweds (wanting a divorce instead come on) like what a sucky way to see it. And BYJ though we don't see much from him he still feels lonely and is a workaholic. The drama didn't give us any closure for them as characters, ans since we watched them grow up and end it with them still being sad and hung up on the other.

If the show had ended with a hopeful open ending, even if they were broken up, I'd feel better about it. Maybe we got to see NHD's husband and see why she married him and that he's good for her. Maybe we'd get to see BYJ with a family of his own or at least some goddamn friends, something to show he healed from that trauma of his nyc stay, idk.

Obviously my ideal ending would have been for them to get back together after a couple years apart and him to have been the dad all along BUT by the end I was okay with the idea that at the very least they can reconnect as friends when they're older. At its core their story was about friendship, and I would have been satisfied if she just like met up with her friends. But no, we don't know what happened to the friends at the end. I don't know if she and bona's character are still friends, if the other two are still married (and THAT was not a realistic romance okay that was bs comparing the two ships and seeing that was the one that lasted was a slap on the face) or whether the smart one whose name i also forgot got to live up to her full potential and be satisfied with her career (i actually liked her working on a variety show it suited her character but also id like to see something). We didnt get to see any of the character grow into people they wanted to be, just hopelessness. It destroyed the main premise that we got from the first 14 episodes. It would have been an easy fic just like a fucking ending shot with her getting a group text from the friend group or contacting byj to meet up and catch up like seriously anything would have been better than seeing her walk off into the distance like "well I can't change my past but i can sure live in it cause my current life sucks)

Not to mention the poor casting choice where older nhd just ended up becoming the most stereotypical ajumma I've seen down to fashion it felt like I was watching some other show. Kim tae ri could have stayed in that role and worn different makeup at least then it would have felt like the same character instead of feeling like it was another drama entirely jfc.

They didn't advertise this drama as a sad one, or at least there was some definite disconnect between the writer and the directors/actors. Even kim tae ri asked the writer to change the ending cause she thought it didn't fit with the story. They changed a lot and it was advertised as a coming of age romance, not the melodrama is became. It just was so incongruous and I hate how it didn't fit with the characters I grew to love.

I'm glad it was cathartic for you but it left me feeling really shitty and hopeless at the end, and that's the feeling I get still when I think about it. It really had the potential to be my favorite drama of all time (something that hasn't changed in nearly a decade since coffee prince for crying out loud) but I can't even think about rewatching it. It's just something I find so unsatisfying.

Plus I hate the message of the story becoming something like "your teens and early 20s are the best years of your life after that it sucks and you just have to be okay with that" like no gtfo. This is a problem across the board in Korea where married women with kids who are miserable just have to be okay with that and I'm sorry I hate it sooooo much. If they just showed that everyone was happy and that their lives were good and importantly THAT THEY STILL HAD EACH OTHER AND FRIENDS it would have told a different story that yes you grow up and change but life doesn't end and you can still go back and be with people who care about you and God I just there was so much wasted potential that they fucked up so bad

[randoimago]

Hello from Naoki anon once again! |ω･)ﾉ May I request "3,000 Follower Celebration Friends to Lovers, Confessing Feelings"? For Naoki, of course, please? As always thank you!

Promises Made and Promises Kept

Fandom: Persona 4

Character(s): Naoki Konishi

Type of Request: 3,000 Followers Oneshots

Note(s): As always, you're welcome and I hope you enjoyed this!!

Summer had arrived in Inaba, and it was awful. Naoki couldn't walk anywhere without swelting. It didn't matter how high the AC in the shop or even at school was, it was miserable.

What was more miserable is it's the first summer without his sister. He had mourned and still does time-to-time, but he has tried to continue with his life. But sometimes it's still difficult.

"Remember that time she threw a cup of ice water at you because you kept complaining about the heat?" A smile crossed his lips as he sat next to you in the shop, both eating an ice pop as you hung out like usual.

"Yeah, I also remember how you didn't even warn me about it," he replies as he remembers the memory of years ago. You have stayed his friend through it all. And not once did you pity him. You gave your sympathies, of course, but you kept treating him like your friend. Like he wasn't going to fall apart and break even if he did feel like it sometimes.

"She said she'd pay me to keep you distracted."

He laughs at the shrug you give, and he feels a warm feeling at remembering the memory of him freezing a bit from the ice water and his sister giving you a few hundred yen. Enough to buy him his favorite snack to cheer him up. The memory is a nice one. Sure, he feels a twinge of sadness from it, but overall, it is nice.

"Do you want to visit her?" You ask him and he thinks for a moment before nodding. He did like to visit her and fill her in on what has been happening. And he especially liked when you went with him.

You stopped at a vending machine before you went to the graves. He watched as you got the drink she always liked, and he'd make a face at in the past. And he smiles as you lay it on her grave when you finally arrive.

"Hey, Saki, I haven't thrown water at your brother yet. It will happen though, I promise," you say cheekily and give him a smile while he rolls his eyes.

You both stay there and talk to her and each other. A nice breeze had picked up to combat the summer air. Time seemed to move by fast as laughter was exchanged as well as some tears now and then just from memories. And then it was time for you to both go.

You said your goodbyes to Saki as you left, walking in a bit of silence. At some point, you apologized to Naoki for the promise you made to Saki because it was still coming. Naoki just rolled his eyes again, but he knew that he made his own promise to her that he needed to fulfill too.

When you made it back to the shop, the temperature seemed to have dropped a good bit when evening approached. It was still hot, but not as awful as earlier. He listened as you said you were getting another popsicle and Naoki pulled out the paper with the speech he rewrote so many times and practiced again and again. It was when he was turned around and reading that you attacked.

"Seriously?" He questioned unamused as he felt the water hit his back. It wasn't iced, thankfully, but he still gave you a look as he turned to you. You just smiled at his reaction before noticing the paper he held and managed to keep from getting wet.

"What's that?" You asked and he went to hide it, only piquing your curiosity and making you grab it from him. Naoki froze as he watched you read, and he felt his heart pounding in his chest as you saw the words that lay on the page. "Naoki?" You asked quietly as you looked up at him after reading.

"I had wanted to make a romantic thing of it, but you ruined it," he tries to joke but it comes out more nervously. "Saki knew about my feelings before I did, and I promised her I'd confess when I realized she was right. I rewrote that stupid speech so many times but could never find the right moment," he confesses softly as he looks to you.

"I see," you mutter as you look down at the paper. He bites the inside of his mouth due to nerves as he waits for some kind of reaction. Relief hits him as you look up and give a smile. "I promised her I'd confess too."

A gentle smile crosses both of your faces as you enjoy this moment between you. A moment that is momentarily interrupted when his mother comes in and asks about the water on the floor, causing you both to quickly move to clean up.

But you both shared that happiness as you knew this just meant a new chapter in your lives. And you know that if she was with you, Saki would have given an "It took you long enough" and the biggest hug she could.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3207

after bringing joel to work i went back to bed and passed out for another five hours. i did take the occasion to take my meds, though, at one point when i woke up during my sleep extension. so that was good.

i ended up playing games most of the day, but i also applied for like six jobs and eventually made my way home after i picked up joel and after we grabbed his meds from not cvs, but rite aid. i got some snacks and put a few applications together before heading home.

earlier in the day, i looked at my emails and i saw a response about a position i applied for yesterday that would've been perfect, and i opened it to see a "no thanks." the rsd makes rejection letters like that really difficult to handle. so i was pretty disappointed. like "it's another rejection. when will someone give me the chance to prove myself?" the answer feels like never. but i texted joel and he said it eventually feels less awful, but to not take it personally. so submitting a few more applications today helped me feel a little better about it, even if a little more hopeful for some other opportunity that may arise from it.

i came home to hot dogs with bad ketchup and baked beans with extra extra onions so i didn't really eat much. i sat and watched oak island with my mom for a while, but she eventually needed to sleep so i turned the volume down and kept watching with the subtitles on. of course the distraction requirement of the adhd kept me from really paying attention, but i've gotten to see some important points that i missed from not having seen entire episodes. i'm now only four or so behind.

but i gotta say, that out of the whole day and out of all of the things that happened, i'm glad that joel has been there to listen to me and support me. when i think about asking for advice, the first person i think of is joel. i think of people who i can trust and who would sit on the floor with me to think, and the first person who comes to mind is him. and i'm so so happy i have him, because i'd be pretty miserable without him and the influence he's had on me and my life. i'm a much happier person than i was before i met him.

i keep thinking about the things that have happened in the last six years since i started my masters degree. it's a lot. a lot of pain, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of opportunities that have been given up in hopes of something better, missed chances and better outcomes. i lost friends, i lost faith, i even lost the academic world i was in for a time - but i also worked toward and gained another degree, i made new friends, i found some faith in myself, i got diagnoses, i got on meds, i got a therapist, i went through a global pandemic only getting it twice, i've dealt with the loss of family members and jobs and what feels like pieces of my sanity, but i'm still here. i'm still me, but i'm better for all of it.

and that's a nice thing to know.

[littlemisshesitant]

about me

hello, my name is gillian.

a few months ago i set up an instagram account dedicated to sharing my journey with anxiety with the world. the beginning of 2023 has been a difficult one on my mental health and when i set up this instagram account, i had no idea whether it would be a positive thing for me or not, but i have enjoyed engaging with a wider community of people who have been or are going through something similar. not only has it helped me find new strategies to cope with my anxiety, it has also helped me feel less alone. and i guess that's one reason i wanted to set up the account...to prove to people that they are not alone and a lot more people face anxiety than perhaps what they realised. so, then i thought, why not set up a tumblr blog too!

i wanted my first post to be an introduction to me. and by me, i don't just mean my anxiety, but to the actual person i am...the things i like, don't like, my ambitions in life, etc. anxiety is a very big part of my life and despite how difficult it is for me to do so, i am trying to embrace it whilst not letting it define me. so, i'll get the bit about my anxiety out the way first, and then i will talk about gillian.

anxiety

my journey with anxiety probably began much earlier than what i even realised. from a young age, i have always been timid and have always preferred to keep myself to myself and my small circle of friends. i have always been approachable to others and for the most part well liked, but i had no desire to be popular or have a large friendship group. large groups of people overwhelm me and the kinds of kids who were part of the popular crowd were too loud and intimidating.

my anxiety as i know it now probably came to light in my mid-teens. between the years 2012 and 2014, i faced a lot of hardships both personally and within the family (think bereavements, parent mental health, financial difficulties, exam stresses etc), making them a difficult few years for myself and my family. things did begin to get better for us moving into 2015/2016, but i was very emotionally and mentally drained. my anxiety began manifesting socially at first, making it difficult for me to make plans with friends outside of school. it didn't help that one of my friends at the time would then use my social anxiety as a reason to not invite me out places which affected my self-esteem massively.

over a period of a few months during my a-levels, i felt so unlike myself and found things to be overwhelming most of the time. there were many days where all i wanted to do was cry but for the most part kept it under bay because i felt like i was just being stupid. but then one day i ended up crying over smudging my mascara and confessed to my mam that i felt miserable most of the time and couldn't shake the feeling. with her encouragement, i went to speak with my gp, which is when anxiety was first used to describe what i was going through. it was an emotional appointment but it did help with offering me some relief.

me

as i mentioned at the beginning, my name is gillian. old fashioned, i know, but i'm named after my dad's late older sister so i think that makes it quite special. i am currently in my mid-twenties, and i'm very thankful to say i work in my dream job as an english teacher. to ge the job i have, i spent a total of 5 years at university - a 3 year bachelors degree, a 1 year teacher training course, and a 1 year masters degree. teaching has been a dream of mine since being very young and i've worked really hard to get to where i am. i'm not talking just physically but also mentally too. i quite often ask myself how i managed to become a teacher but i am trying to train myself out of thinking that...i wouldn't have gotten here if i wasn't good enough!

away from teaching, i'm one of them weird people who will tell you i am massively introverted but will regularly be seen out and about socialising. don't be fooled by this, all of my socialising is done with the same handful of people. i am very comfortable with the friends i have in my life and prefer not to have a massive friendship group and the friends i have are either slightly more extroverted than me or at a similar level of introversion as me. i need them all for different reasons i suppose...eg i have one particularly extroverted friend who has massively helped my confidence in social situations but i have one particularly introverted friend i am probably more extroverted than who is helping me to build confidence in my ability to guide and support others if that makes sense.

a large part of my socialising is actually done with my family, who i am very close to. my family consists of my parents, my two brothers (one older, one younger) and, of course, my two cats - mr. miyagi and nala, who are my two pride and joys. we do things like friday night tv show binge and saturday night film night but have a lot of other family traditions that mean a lot to all of us, perhaps more so now that my brothers and i are all adults (currently we are aged 30, 25, and 23). my mam and i are particularly close, i think on the basis that i am her only daughter, but because we genuinely get on too. she is somebody who understands me better than anyone and i am so thankful to her because she has helped me through so much, and continues to do so day-in-day-out.

i'm sure as this blog continues, you will find out more and more about me, but i'll leave it with this for now. i want this blog to be a safe space for anyone who visits. feel free to ask me questions, respond to my posts, and reach out if you need. sending love!

[elijahkelly]

9/18/2023

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. But before I get into that, I need to do a brief update of everything that has happened in the last ~month since I posted on here last.

We passed one month since Brennan died last week. It has gotten easier, but I don't go a day without thinking about him. Today the school did a student suicide statistics display in the drill field, where they laid a backpack out for every student who has committed suicide within some timespan. They do the demonstration every year, but it never hit as hard to me as it did today.

My food poisoning graduated into a long-term gastrointestinal issue. I was getting intense nausea randomly, throwing up, the whole nine yards. I was losing motivation, my mental health was declining (not to mention I couldn't keep my Prozac down so I was essentially being forced to quit cold turkey until I felt better). It was miserable and the closest I ever got to suicidal thoughts in a long long time. The campus doctor told me it could be Hep A, but after some testing they thankfully concluded that it wasn't. The issue lies in the fact that they found NOTHING wrong with me. So that remains a mystery to this day.

I have been having internal conflicts regarding where I stand with my friends, particularly Trent and Ozzy. It is no secret that they have quickly become my best friends, but I find myself having insecurities about the possibility of them liking each other more than they like me. I shouldn't care, because the fact remains that they love me and I love them and we all love each other, but I can't help but pick up on things between them that allude to them being closer to each other than I am to either of them. A small part of me thinks that they are on the verge of or secretly engaged in a relationship of some kind, which is wonderful, but if that is the case then why wouldn't they tell me? In all truthfulness, I think I would be a little bothered if they started dating. I understand why I shouldn't be bothered, because frankly its none of my business, but I feel like there would be that irrepressible feeling of resentment towards the two of them if that were to happen. Jealousy maybe? Not at their relationship as it exists romantically, because I have Dylan, but at the fact that their relationship is able to reach a level that I can never reach with them? I'm not sure, and to be honest trying to verbalize it is really confusing. All I know is I have some messed up biz going on that I need to figure out. I need to start utilizing the free counseling that my university offers because damn talk about emotional baggage.

I found the engagement ring. Well, let me be more specific. I found the box for the engagement ring. I didn't touch it or open it. That much I refuse to do. But I know where it is. I know it exists. I know Dylan has a plan. Holy shit. It doesn't feel real.

Anyways that's been the main stuff. If I remember anything I'll throw it in or mention it later. Now on to what I was saying earlier about death.

It feels like I have been bombarded by a series of ridiculous and difficult issues the last few months. Brennan's death, knocking my side mirror off my car, conflicts within my organization, my stomach issues, my mental health drastically declining, the list goes on and on. One thing just keeps coming up, though, and that's death.

Brennan's death was sorta a catalyst for all of this. I have never been struck more heavily by the uncertainty of life than his death. I haven't been able to go a day without paranoia that something's going to do me in at any given moment. To the extent that I have been planning my last rites. I worry that I'm going to die with nothing laid out for my people to follow.

I don't have as much privacy as I would like to be writing this.

Bye for now.

[chxckandmxte]

A silent gasp escapes him, hearing words that Leon had desperately needed to hear caught him off guard completely, it had been such a long time since Leon felt the genuine care and concern of another person, let alone from a close friend such as Hunnigan, someone who had always made sure to be there for him every single time she was needed, both on duty, and even off the clock.

Her words brought back memories that reminded him of the many times she had even went out of her way to check on him. Whenever Hunnigan would go through the trouble just to check in on him, sadly, every call had been left to ring out until his voicemail picked it up, as Leon was just too lost in his depression and despair to bother checking at the time, believing it was nothing but a wrong number, whilst completely missing the other messages and voicemails left by his equally concerned dear friends.

After wallowing in his own pit of darkness for a long time, everything was finally hitting Leon all at once, all brought upon him by her show of concern about him, this feeling, it was a feeling he had nearly forgotten, to be cared about. Having others around him that wholeheartedly enjoyed his company, his downfall, made him choose to ignore everyone, and he didn't know why, perhaps he had convinced himself that not a single person cared about him, that he was nothing but a tool that could be used and discarded, all thanks to a certain someone in a red dress who had made him falsely believe that someone like him, could be loved, when all she did was use him for her own gain.

Unfortunately, that was only half of it. Every single time they encountered another, Leon was well aware that she was using him, he had always known it ever since they met again during his mission to rescue Ashley Graham. Even though the agent knew the harsh truth, he still let it happen, all because he still had feelings for her, feelings that were now dead and gone after she emotionally tore out his heart and stomped it into the ground. After that numbness he felt, Leon let it take him over completely, turning him into a miserable person who was stuck in an endless circle of depression and self-loathing, pushing others away rather than pulling them closer when he needed someone, anyone.

Instead of immediately responding, Leon stayed silent, letting Hunnigan continue to speak her mind, to say whatever it was she had to say to him, quietly taking in all her words, his expression goes from aggressive anger, to soft and gentle as the bespectacled woman finished her sentence, spilling out her heart all at once as blue eyes watched her expressions, witnessed her tear up, because she was concerned about him, her close friend.

[{ ☣ }] - "....You're right. Sorry, I almost forgot.."

The more she continue on, he began to feel bad, making her bring up all the struggles she faced in her earlier years, and for someone like Hunnigan, he couldn't imagine how difficult it had been for her. Leon had been blessed to be raised by both his parents, until they tragically passed away, while Ingrid on the other hand, didn't get to experience that. It had taken him far too long, but thanks to the warm words spoken by Hunnigan, he finally remembered, just how lucky he was to have someone in his life that completely cared about his well being like she did, he had been blind to it for too long. Right now, he knew he'd just have to bite the bullet, and except the facts, she was exactly right, she had been this whole time.

While the pain he felt was still present, he swallowed it up, choosing to ignore it and do what he did best. Fake that everything was okay, at least he knew that there was someone out there in the world that cared about him -- something that he would most certainly take at least some form of comfort in, and while it appeared to have done nothing, everything she said, had definitely left a mark on him, thus why he choose to end the argument and welcome her company rather than push her away like he did everyone else.

His expression softening completely, he exhales a defeated sigh, shrugging his shoulders with a quick twist of his head before speaking.

[{ ☣ }] - "Alright, you win.. Let's go get some food, my treat. At a restaurant though.. I need a break from all those dive bars."

Giving in, he accepted his defeat, there was no denying what she said, it was all coming right from her heart, he could tell, and that was really all he needed to tell him that she meant every single word she said to him just now, he made sure to remember everything from this moment, especially everything she had said to him. Leading the way, he begins their trek towards the parking lot of the airport, walking alongside Hunnigan as she would eventually wheel alongside of him in the direction of the exit to the underground parking lot.

[{ ☣ }] - "You still wanna drive? Or am I behind the wheel instead?" He asks, turning his head to face her.

“Because you’re my friend!” she snapped back, just as hotly. She didn’t understand why he didn’t understand that she was trying to help. She was angry that he was just dismissing her own feelings like they didn’t matter. And maybe they didn’t to him. She had hoped the case would be different but…even if he hated her after this, she wouldn’t give up on him. Everyone else might have, but everyone else hadn’t been abandoned in an orphanage as a child. No one else understood that feeling of abandonment and anguish. She refused to let anyone she knew feel that. Even if they fought her tooth and nail. No one deserved that. No one was going to feel abandoned and alone on her watch.

“You’re my friend and I care about you, damnit!” she wiped violently at her face as she felt frustrated tears forming. She would not cry right now. She needed to be strong. “You think I don’t know how you feel?! I’ve spent my life trying to do the same thing! You know how many people I’ve had to bury because of this shit?! You think I don’t feel like it's hopeless?!”

She did, oftentimes. She never showed it. She had to put on a brave face for everyone. Had to be strong for the people who depended on her. She had a file cabinet–a large one–filled with the files of agents that died. It was filling more and more every year, and no matter what she did, she couldn’t stop the death. She couldn’t reach through her comm piece or the body camera and help them. No, she just had to watch as they faced those horrors on their own and do her best to help them in whatever way she could. God, the number of times she had to listen and watch people die. Listen to people choking on their own blood while she told them it was going to be okay. See people blown to pieces. Listen as people drowned or were eaten alive. Seeing their entrails being torn out while they screamed for their mothers. She clenched her jaw and slammed her eyes shut. Not now. Deal with it later. She had to help Leon. That was more important.

“You are important to me, Leon. I would miss you, if you died. I want you to live. Not for me, but because you want to. This isn’t all there is to life; there are good things out there. I want you to be able to realize that. I don’t want you to give up, okay? That’s why I’m here. Because I’m scared for you, and I don’t want you to be alone. I…I know what that’s like. Being all alone. Feeling like no one loves you and you’d be better off dead. So I’m sticking with you. You’ll have to shoot me to make me stop.”

[neonpigeons]

just a rambling post about me and mental illness under the cut

it's a little strange when you very obviously have mental illnesses but you technically can function so people ignore it. for instance I've always been able to do dishes, keep up with laundry, wake up on time, and work (tho im not currently). so things just seem fine on the outside but people don't see everything. they don't see the other messes/chores that get ignored. they don't see how much effort it takes to do everything and how it takes me a lot longer than other people to do some of these things. I have systems to accomplish things, like waking up earlier than most people would need to get ready for work and putting my dishes in the dishwasher immediately so I don't let them sit and forget about them.

it really wasn't until college where I realized how debilitating my conditions actually were because I lost the structure public school gave me. the responsibilities of adulthood added on top of schoolwork and needing to be able to motivate myself to study just didn't work out. failing and not being able to keep up of course made everything worse and I was miserable so I just dropped out after a few years.

not much of a point to this post. I suppose it's like. I and everyone else thought I was fine because I was surviving. but they didn't see the breakdowns, the pressure of expectations crushing me, and the self harm. it's frustrating that everything in my brain is a tangled mess. I'm backwards. it doesn't make sense for your own brain to want to hurt itself over and over and over again. the disconnect between the brain and the body. wanting to not exist anymore. and everything in the world continuing to move while you're stuck in one place. and most don't understand why because they were able to do it, so why can't I.

I did try to get help and I'm even medicated but the only thing that's changed is I don't cry every other night like I used to. I don't think about hurting or killing myself as often so I guess that's an improvement. it's hard for me to ask for the help that I need as my own mental illnesses make it difficult to do so. social situations often overwhelm me and if I don't stick to the script in my head, things unravel quickly. I wish you could just transfer your brain to someone else temporarily so they could know and feel everything. you wouldn't have to explain shit. this post is probably the most I've ever been able to "speak" about this sort of thing, I could never actually say this out loud.

existing isn't easy but I guess I was put on this bitch of an earth so I have no choice but to keep going. and I am still very sad and unhappy and anxious most of the time but maybe I won't always be? who knows. it's like. "fine I'll stay alive but I'm gonna complain about it the entire time."

anyways if you've made it this far I love you 💕🫂 you're all amazing and make my life better. this isn't me asking for anything I just needed to get it out of me. the feelings just kind of build up like a bubble and I have to release some of the pressure.

[realm-sweet-realm]

I wonder why Joey has become so insane in the first place? Like what was the cause of that? Was it from trauma? Wanting to be an success? Wanting Bendy to be realized?

That's a difficult question and it kind of turned into an English essay. Just skip to the last paragraph if you want the short version.

I'll try to break down Joey's character the best I can. If you want to take everything in TIOL into account, there isn't a single reason why Joey got into a mental state where he was willing to kill people. I also don't think that any kind of mental illness or "insanity" had a part in it. There are three main contributing factors, I think.

-Joey learned at a young age to lie to himself and to see the world as though it's almost fictional. This is a coping mechanism from trauma that he came to use in unhealthy ways.

Joey has a distinct change in behaviour after he sees a man fall off a roof at the age of ten. Beforehand, he expressed worry over his father. Afterward, he dehumanized his own father as a mere "character." It's fairly normal and common to have a dissociative response to a traumatic event, but Joey didn't see it as just a response to trauma. He saw people being characters as a reality that he'd discovered.

The idea of people as characters is something that followed Joey for the rest of his life. It's an essential part of his "Illusion of Living" ideology, which he cared enough about to write a book about.

This allowed him to feel less guilt about hurting people, and essentially no guilt about using people, the same way I don't feel guilty about using the characters I write as tools in a narrative, whether that involves hurting them or not.

This isn't something I can back up, but I believe that spinning things and going into denial is how Joey copes with difficult circumstances. This leads us into...

-Joey sucks at letting things go.

He carried around bitterness against Henry for decades, never moved on after the studio closed, and still remembers people who slighted him from many years ago. This makes him miserable and more likely to lean on his coping mechanism.

What does Joey do when the studio shuts down? He creates a fantasy world and goes to the ridiculous length of kidnapping Henry to be the hero in his narrative. This is arguably Joey's most extreme act of using others to benefit his own narrative. It shows how far he's willing to go for its sake. But it also shows how Joey's sheer perserverence can be a bad thing. Other people, like Wally and Allison, moved on after the studio and had happy lives while all Joey did was stew in misery and hurt people. It's a trait that leads Joey to be destructive to himself and others.

Now, let's talk about what Joey's narrative is.

-Joey feels an intense need to prove himself.

Joey sees himself as an underdog hero. He doesn't come from money but has tried since his twenties to fit in with people who do. He's a gay man in the 1940s and had only loose, secret romantic relationships while he saw others (noteably Henry) start families and be celebrated for it. As I said earlier, he sucks at letting things go, so he really remembers stuff like that and wants to prove himself against it.

It took Joey a while to figure out what he wanted to do with his life, but by the time the ink machine came into it, he knew. Fame. Fortune. The popularization of an artwork that meant everything to him. His studio family.

His narrative was one where he would get all of that and keep it, and he would do anything to make it happen- including harming people, who he views only as characters.

-Joey thinks he's the main character.

And so he doesn't really stop to think that he might not succeed, or that it might not be worth it in the end.

...

Sorry for the essay. Basically, I think Joey was willing to kill people because he doesn't believe in people's agency or inherent worth, has main character syndrome, and was, for various reasons, willing to do anything to achieve his dreams.

[mosshead-lover]

The Act of LordE: Part-13

Crumpled Confessions

~ Bakugou & Izuku x Reader

Summary: [y/n] moves to her dream city having abundant hopes. Her encounter with Katsuki Bakugou, sends unsettling ripples through her life. Determined to earn an apology for her boyfriend, Izuku Midoriya, she gets into a game with Katsuki. Will the game remain a simple game even at the stake of her love life?

<<Previous

A/n: You will enjoy this better if you have read the previous parts before! ^^

Hope you peeps are keeping safe. Kacchan ended up cofessing over a written note? Lol don’t hate me.

- Bau

Part-1 | Part-2 | Part-3 | Part-4 | Part-5 | Part-6 | Part-7 | Part-8 | Part-9 | Part-10|Part-11| Part-12|

--Start--

Months passed. All of [y/n]'s attempts of reaching Izuku went in futile. It was highly unnatural of him. Izuku was anything but the person who didn't clarify differences. Eventually, [y/n] had given up. Her daily routine was mundane.

'Do what's needed for survival and spend the rest of the time locked up in the house.'

She didn't even try getting out of it cause she felt like she didn't deserve to be happy. Not after what she put Izuku through. Not after ruining their friendship for Katsuki and him. She felt responsible for making the very forgiving Izuku cold as Ice. She felt responsible for breaking down Katsuki's spirit. The tension between the two top rising heroes was not so subtle. Those who knew. Knew. Those who didn't; come up with a bunch of theories.

Izuku meant to avoid [y/n] only for a few days. He thought he deserved some time away. Some time alone to sort his thoughts and feelings before having a conversation with her. But, every morning, he woke up and thought,

'I need another day.'

He could never come to terms with reality or move on. His heart was stagnant.

Katsuki didn't speak much to Izuku since the day they had that long conversation. Unlike earlier, Nor Izuku showed any friendly gestures. Katsuki seemed not to care but was dying to know how things were between Deku and her. He wanted to know if everything was sorted. He needed to know if she was all right. He tried getting it out of Aya but, no luck. She refused to say anything and had snapped, saying he had gone too far this time. Kirishima was taken aback. His usual softspoken girlfriend snapped at his ever fierce best friend and, Kachan didn't utter a word.

One snowy evening...

"Katsuki!"

"Long time. How are you?"

Katsuki moved away from the door, letting go of the piece of paper in his pocket. He brought his hands together, rubbing to keep them warm.

"What are you doing here?"

"I am good too. Thanks for asking."

[y/n] unlocked the door and gestured him to get in. She set things down and poured herself a glass of water.

"Let me fix you up with a decaf."

Katsuki was already on the way to the kitchen.

"You look tired. Let me do it."

He didn't wait for the answer. When he turned back to make sure she wasn't following him in, he was assured with a smile. Not as bright as it used to be, but a smile regardless.

They drank their drinks in silence. Katsuki saw a pile of beer bottles lying in the corner and decided not to bring up alcohol although, he desperately needed some, to loosen up. It took Aya's constant questioning and nagging to finally break his shell and confess his love for [y/n]. Although he hated himself for it, he felt at ease after saying it out loud. It felt real. Aya promised to never bring it up. Yet, she kept hinting to him about what he should do next. He knew it too. He had to express his feelings somehow regardless of how [y/n] would take it. He had spent one whole week preparing his confession. Count less crumpled papers and countless discarded notes. He carefully wrote down every word of every sentence he was about to say. He had made enough mistakes of letting his arrogance get in the way. He wanted to do this right. This had to go well.

"So, how's college?" Katsuki finally broke the silence.

"It's good." [y/n] stuck to the mundane response. After few seconds of silence, She felt bad for being cold and continued the conversation.

"Does Lime Punch still serve lemonade to after every arrest?"

"He does!" Katsuki chucked and continued.

"He has improvised, says 'You have been served' as the cops drag the convict."

"Oh yes! I saw it on the TV. He might as well serve lemonade to the convict!"

[y/n] let out a gentle laugh.

"I wouldn't be surprised." Katsuki shrugged, smiling instinctively, absorbing the sound of her laughter.

Katsuki meant to cook something nice, but her fridge was empty. And in the bag, there was nothing except more beer and some instant ramen. They stuck to ramen. Contrary to Katsuki's expectations, [y/n] seemed to have moved on from the past, as she never mentioned the bet or the night. Yet, she was suffering, which made it even more difficult for him to do what he had come for.

It was time to leave. Katsuki was at door.

"Good night." [y/n] waved and pushed the door.

"WAIT!" Katshuki held the door halfway.

He reached his pocket and took out a crumpled paper.

"C..could you throw this away for me?"

Puzzled, [y/n] took it.

"You might wanna read it first."

[y/n] tilted her head, still confused.

"W..will you?" Katsuki's hand still firmly placed on the half-closed door, his gaze intense.

"Sure!" was [y/n]'s reply.

It took [y/n] a few sentences to get used to Katsuki's calligraphy. There were many strike throughs and additions. Some words rounded and some underlined. It was all jumbled, series of arrows serving as a guide to form an order. Neglecting all the chaos, [y/n] read.

———————————————————————

I hate you for appearing in front of me as the clock struck twelve. I hate myself for giving in to those stupid guys words and kissing you to prove something. I hate myself for thinking that I gained something from that when in reality, I had lost miserably. I kept trying to take it back, only to get down in a path of bad decisions streak. Now that I look back, I don't know what I was up to. I was trying to get you and pushing you away. It was bound to end in a disaster as it did. I hate that we can't start over. I hate it that a mere apology won't do anything. Regardless. I am going to.

In an attempt to win you, I have done things that only dragged all of us down. I regret it every day. I wasn't thinking straight. I ignited something that burned down happiness for you, Deku and me. I don't know how things are between you and him. I will not let go without a fight.

[first name] [last name], I am what they call heads over heels for you. If you are willing to give me a chance, join me at Tsukiji Bridge to watch the sunset on new year's eve.

<Say goodnight and leave>

———————————————————————-

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[discojupiters]

Another Lonely Night in New York

Casually uploading Bee Gees fanfic as if I haven't had this account for almost five years and I'm just now using it to post stuff because I am upset at the lack of Bee Gees fanfic that exists and I need to change that also cuz I haven't posted on any form of social media in literal ages and I just really want an excuse to post classic rock shitposts and whatnot. :D

Ao3 link to the fanfic if you'd prefer to read it there

Another Lonely Night in New York

Robin/Fluff

The rain had been predominantly worse at night than it had been in the morning. Dense raindrops splattered onto Robin's hotel room window as he sat near the window, flinching every now and then at the speed at which the pellets of rain struck the window. The weather had been like this for almost the entirety of Robin's stay in Manhattan, which made it difficult for him to see many of sights that he originally intended to see. He stayed for nearly 4 days straight cooped up in his hotel room and if he forced himself to stay in there a minute longer, he was about to go mentally insane; he had to get out and go outside for a stroll. Despite the brutal showers and the absence of an umbrella, he put on his coat and made his way down to the lobby and out the door. He knew not where his first stop would be nor how long he'd be out, all he knew was that he needed fresh air, whether the air was battling fierce weather or not. Robin trekked out east in hopes to find something worthy of his time.

Robin had originally desired to head to New York in order to find inspiration for new music for his solo album that he was working on. After the Bee Gees decided to take a break for a bit following the release of Living Eyes, Robin found himself in a great opportunity to release more solo albums and expand his talent as a songwriter. His intentions were unfortunately tampered with as the climate in New York at this time was not the best. Little to no inspiration had crossed through his mind for the entirety of his trip and he only had one more day before he needed to be back in London to begin recording sessions.

Robin's mind was as blank as a fresh piece of paper as he strolled through the streets of midtown Manhattan. Bright and colorful lights guided him to Times Square in what felt like no time. Robin had only prayed that something in those lively, radiant billboards and lights would make a light bulb go off in his head and give him enough material to write a perfect song.

The rain showed no signs of stopping any time soon, and it wasn't until now that Robin realized how foolish he looked sopping wet with his hair sticking to his face and neck while everyone else were as dry as bones under their umbrellas. Robin reached for the hood of his coat to hide his drenched hair only to notice he brought the coat without a hood instead of the other one he had in his room that did have a hood. He thought for a moment about heading back to the hotel to spare the rest of his embarrassment but he kept walking, tenacious to find even the smallest bit of inspiration for a new song.

The stop at a crosswalk was the first break Robin had given his legs in God knows how long the amount of time he had been walking for. They ached almost enough for Robin's knees to buckle and give out on him. He could feel people staring at him, businessmen coming home late from their office jobs, young fools in love heading to various restaurants and clubs downtown, rebellious teens on their way to their secret hideouts. All these people nice and dry under their umbrellas while they stared at the lonely freak in New York who couldn't have even bothered to bring the correct coat in order to save his head from the rainfall.

'Another lonely night in New York'

Eagerly waiting for the crosswalk light to flash white, at this point he couldn't wait until it was time to go back home to London. This trip had been nothing but disappointing to him. No benefits to his song writing or even his own well being what so ever. The only thing he'd catch from this trip now would be a cold from the rainwater coating his entire body, making his pants stick to his legs, seeping into his sneakers and making his socks damp, that he'd have to deal with once he got back home. On the bright side if he did catch a cold then he would be able to delay the recording sessions until his voice got better which would give him more time to write some more material for the album.

'The city of dreams just keeps on getting me down'

In the midst of all the dismay washing over him, he almost didn't notice that the rain had suddenly begun to repel him. He could still see the rain in front of him, yet none of it was touching him anymore. Puzzled, he looked above his head to see what had happened, but all he spotted was a black, dome shaped piece of nylon; the canopy of an umbrella above his head. The misty scent of perfume filled his nostrils. He glanced over to the right of him to find a woman holding the umbrella over his head for him. Her resting face was nonchalant as she peered across the street, also waiting for the crosswalk light to turn white, but she gave a coy smile to Robin when she noticed him staring at her.

Robin wanted to speak up, wanted to thank the winsome young lady for sharing her umbrella with him, but the words wouldn't come to him. As the crosswalk light finally changed, everyone made their way across the street. New Yorkers were fast walkers, it was strenuous to keep up with the woman. Her strut was self-assured, even in the six inch stilettos that she wore; it was like she injected confidence into her veins every morning. Robin was mesmerized by her. He was still thinking about the smile she gave him when they were on the other side of the crosswalk, trying his best to hide a cheeky, daydreaming smile.

As the walk with the woman continued, Robin couldn't help but wonder: Was he going to be following this woman around until she reached her destination? Did they both have the same destination? Robin didn't even know where he would end up, he wracked his brain wondering if this woman was gonna lead him somewhere or if she was just doing a quick favor and wanted him to leave now. The woman hadn't spoke the whole time. Her nonchalant expression turned into a gentle smile yet she refused to look at Robin anymore than that one glance she shot at him when he noticed her.

Robin and the woman were now exiting Times Square, the high-spirited lights merely staining the background now as the woman continued to head for the subway. Robin knew right then and there that it was time for him to head back, as much as he adored this woman, he couldn't take a chance. He didn't know her and God forbid he let himself get killed tonight all because he had love fogging up his brain just for a woman who did a single kind deed for him. Again, Robin's mouth couldn't open to say a goodbye. It was like his throat was frozen every time he was near this woman. After an extensive fight to make the words come out, he gave up and instead stayed put in his spot on the sidewalk, waiting for the woman to notice and hopefully say goodbye first. After the woman reached a few paces noticing Robin had left her side, she worriedly glanced around, holding onto her hair to make sure the rain didn't touch it. She glimpsed behind her to find Robin slowly sauntering backwards in order to give her the indication that he was leaving. She relaxed her arms as her gloved hands waved goodbye to Robin, granting him the same kittenish smile she had given him earlier that night. Robin waved back and finally turned around to make his way back to the hotel.

Robin tried hard not to glance back every few seconds to get one last look at the woman, but failed miserably; he couldn't help it. After fully losing sight of the woman, he ran back to his hotel. He was grateful that she helped him, yet suddenly glum now that he was aware that he may never see that woman again. He didn't know anything about her, not her name, not her voice, not her story, but that didn't stop him from falling head over heels for her. He knew that feeling wouldn't last long, it would probably be gone by the time he'd step foot on the plane back to London, but it was a nice thought to occupy his mind with for the time being. It fascinated him at times that he could be so in love with a woman that he knew absolutely nothing about all because she noticed him and did something good for him.

'Cause my baby's no longer around and my feelings can never be found'

Robin made it back to the hotel, tracking puddles of the water all the way up to his room. The first thing he did upon entering his room was remove all of his drenched clothes and head for the shower. Once he dried himself off, he frantically searched the room for a pencil and paper, heading to his window when he finally had one. Before he could even write down a single lyric, he found her. The woman who had helped him. She was making her way down the street of the hotel as if she had been walking in circles this entire time. Was she actually trying to reach a certain destination? Or was she just out and about looking for men to swoon over her through her acts of kindness? It didn't matter to Robin, because at least he got to take one last look at her that night. That was all he needed for inspiration. If that woman was enough to give a songwriter with writer's block inspiration for a new song, than in Robin's book that woman was enough to make the world go 'round. Robin wrote down lyrics as swiftly as they came to him.

'Another lonely night in New York, and my sorry eyes are looking out on the world'

[hollanderfangirl]

Nothing lasts forever |Harry Holland|

A/N: K, I wrote this for you. @in-a-lot-of-fandoms-tbh congratulations on 1k!!! I wrote this through a writer's block so yeah not my best work

Warnings: angst, mentions of divorce, Harry being a dick

Word count: 3k

They say love conquers all. But it’s not that simple, is it? You meet, you fall in love, you think that love is enough and when things start to go downhill, you realise that it isn’t, after all. It’s the effort, time, circumstances, along with hundreds of other things. You make promises of being together forever but nothing lasts forever. Nothing. And when the promises break? You get your heart broken. But a heart that’s broken is a heart that’s been loved. How can something so perfect, something that brought you so much happiness, something you thought would be yours forever, go so wrong?

When you and Harry got married, everyone knew you were one of those couples who make you believe in ‘together forever’. You had met when you were teenagers and neither of you thought the relationship would last even six months. But there you were, seven years later, having the most extravagant wedding, vowing to never leave each other’s side and to support one another through it all.

The first two years of marriage was a honeymoon period, you both were having the best time of your lives, going on dates often, cooking together, falling asleep next to each other, you wondered how you even got so lucky. You joined him on most of his trips, you both travelled across the beautiful cities of Europe and America together and nothing else really mattered. You loved him more than anything in the world, and he loved you, what else did you need?

When your work was piling up, you knew that you had to go back, although neither of you wanted to leave each other. He was away from you more often, working on sets and filming his own movies, but you were quite used to it to say the least. Spending away nights of frustrations all alone, with no one there for you. But you didn’t complain, you could never do that. You could never stand in the way of Harry and his career.

Two years later, on Christmas Day, you held your daughter in your arms, a healthy and beautiful baby. You and Harry had never been more happy and overwhelmed.

“So what should we name her?” he asked you while gently rocking her to sleep.

“Noelle,” you smiled. “She really decided to make Christmas even more special”

Over the years, you were so proud of your little family, you would often look at Noelle and Harry, playing or reading together and the ‘father-daughter bonding time’ as Harry liked to call it. She was more fond of Harry than you, and that was why it was even harder for her than it was for you. You regretted it so many times, you didn’t want to give it all up, to give him up. But it was becoming so difficult, taking care of a small child all on your own, along with Harry acting like a child himself. It was far too much responsibility than you could handle. You loved him, you really did, but love is never enough.

Now you were cooking in the kitchen with Noelle sitting on the counter, reciting her lessons from school.

“But mommy! We have holidays coming up now!”

“Yes and you will have all the time to play and enjoy, ok?”

“And there’s something else too,” she giggled.

“Oh is it?” you pretend to think.

“Yes! It’s my birthday”

“That’s right, you’ll spend your birthday with grandma and grandpa and your uncles”

“Will daddy be there?”

“Hopefully yeah,” you sigh.

“Will you be there?”

“Of course, sweetie. Mommy would never miss your birthday party,” you pinch her cheeks.

“Why don’t you and daddy ever want to meet?” she speaks up after a minute.

“Baby… daddy and I…” you honestly didn’t know how to phrase it. “We just kind of don’t… talk anymore, you know?”

“Like Tina and me?”

“Yes, exactly like you and Tina”

“But you told me that I should not be angry at her and we should become friends again”

“That is for you, the thing between me and daddy is much more complicated”

“What does complicated mean?”

You chuckle, the questions never end.

You step out of the car into the bitter cold December wind in front of the Holland household. It had been a while since it had snowed this heavy, and you were worried if you would be able to drive in this weather.

“Here you go,” you say as you hand over Noelle to Sam.

“Gosh it’s so cold today, what are you even going to do?” he asks you.

“Go back to the office I don't really have anywhere to be”

“You're gonna work through Christmas? Take some time off, why don’t you stay with us?”

“Sam no-”

“Come on, y/n. How long will you keep avoiding him this way?”

“I- ”

“And what about Noelle’s birthday?”

“I’ll come and visit for a few hours on 25th”

“Y/n, this will always be your home too, with or without Harry. We would love to have you over for Christmas”

“Mommy please, I’m feeling cold out here,” Noelle says reaching out her tiny hands out to you from Sam’s arms.

“Okay fine,” you laugh.

As you get inside the house, Noelle jumps off from Sam and starts running into the house.

“Daddy!”

“Oh my little princess I’ve missed you!” you see Harry run from the living room, picking up Noelle and kissing her forehead. “How have you been? Have you been good? Otherwise who’s gonna get all the gifts?” he pretended to say in a childlike voice.

Your heart warmed up at the sight, your lips curling into a smile. It had been so long since you had seen the two of them reunited like this. Everytime you went to drop Noelle off at Harry’s house, you just waved from the car, not even caring about what happened afterwards.

He seemed a little surprised to see you there and you weren’t sure if it was a good surprise or not.

“Y/n… hi”

“Hey Harry”

“You um changed your hair”

“And you’re wearing the same old sweater”

“No this is a new sweater it’s uh-” he says trying not to continue with an awkward silence. “It’s the old sweater,” he shrugs, making you smile

"Y/n! What a surprise," Nikki calls you from the living room. "It's so nice to have you here over Christmas, everyone misses you so much"

You walk over to meet everyone as Noelle calls Sam to the side.

"Hmm what's up?" he asks the little girl.

"I know how mum and daddy can talk"

He lets out a laugh. "What? And why's that?"

"Mommy said that she and daddy don't talk anymore and that's the only problem. We just have to find a way for them to talk and become friends again"

"What's your plan, genius?"

And then she told him.

After dinner that night, you were sitting on the front porch with Sam. He was your friend, someone who you could always turn to. All of Harry's family was like that. When you both got divorced, you thought you would lose contact with the Hollands, you didn't want to lose them too because they were just like your own family but the bond didn't change, Sam helped you get through it, just like he helped Harry and he was the one who had tried to resolve things between you both.

"I still don't understand. You both were doing just fine, better than fine. All of you were so happy, what even happened?"

"Sam… Harry and I haven't even talked about what went wrong between us. Everytime we tried to talk, something came in between"

"Then talk now, you have plenty of time"

"How does it even matter now?"

"It does. I've seen how miserable you two are, you don't even want to see each other. I know you both still have something"

"We have Noelle," you say as a matter of factly.

"You know what I mean. You both love each other"

"See that's the thing with love. Love doesn't help me take care of a four year old all on my own, Sam. She misses him so much. She just keeps asking me when she'll get to see her father. He never made time for us"

"I know he's been a kind of a jerk"

You raise an eyebrow at him.

"Okay a big jerk, but he cares about you and Noelle. I'm not asking you to get back together but at least talk and resolve whatever beef you both have"

"We can't"

"Why?"

"It's just… I don't even know"

There was a long silence. If it was summer, you would have been hearing the crickets chirping but at this hour of a cold winter night, all you could hear was the faint distant noise of the faraway traffic.

"How about this, you both go out tomorrow, just for an hour or two, hang out, talk, just say whatever you had been holding in all this time"

"You're setting us up on a date?"

"Not a date. You both just need to talk, right? So you just need some alone time"

"Has Harry agreed to this?"

"He definitely would"

"No, it'll be too much. And what about Noelle?"

"What about her? We're all here to take care of her. You just go and talk this over"

You lay awake at night thinking about the happy times you had with Harry. How did things go so so wrong?

Two years earlier

"Harry, the opening ceremony is on Friday, it's huge for the company!"

"Yes I know, love. I really wish I could make it"

"What… do you mean?"

"I'll be leaving for Atlanta two days from now"

"But it's important to me and everyone will be asking for you"

"I'm so sorry, baby but I have to go"

"You've done a great job, y/n. Where's Harry? I'd love to meet him," your manager asks you at the after party of the opening ceremony.

"He couldn't make it tonight. He really wanted to be here"

"Where's your husband, miss y/l/n? This is such a big day for you!" another one of your colleagues asked you later that night.

"He's really disappointed he couldn't be here but duty calls," you tried to hide your loneliness and sadness through a smile.

"Y/n! I haven't seen Harry tonight…"

"How's the movie coming up?" you were talking to Harry at 2 in the morning, time zones were driving the both of you crazy.

"It's going great! The location is amazing, I think we could shoot the whole film here. I just wish you were here I miss you so much"

"I miss you too, just come back home," listening to his voice seemed to make you even lonelier.

"I will," you hear music playing in the background and the noise of people cheering and talking.

"What's happening there?"

"Ah they're throwing a party in my honour, it's been such a success-" you heard a woman laugh right beside him.

"So are you having a good time?"

"Yes I am I just-"

"Then you should go back to it. Bye"

"But y/n-"

You were still working when he came back from the airport and you immediately rushed home after you were free.

When you saw him, you felt as though you were seeing a stranger. He looked different and he felt different and he looked tired than ever. Nevertheless you jumped on him and hugged him tight, making sure he was real.

"Oh god I've missed you, more than you could ever know," he stroked your hair and kissed your forehead.

"Really? Then show me how much you've missed me," you say as you lead him into your shared bedroom.

"I'm so sorry I missed your opening, darling I really wanted to be there"

"It's alright, we have another celebration next month, you can meet everyone there"

"Oh I can't make it to that either, I have to get away again after three weeks"

"But you just came back! And Noelle is just two years old, how do you expect me to take care of her and go to work?"

"There's nothing I can do, y/n. The contracts have already been signed. This is my big break, it's important to me"

"And our marriage is not? Your daughter is not?"

"You both are the most important to me," he put his calloused hands on your cheeks. "But you knew this was what our life would be when you married me"

"Everything has changed since then, Harry. We have a child now and we're so happy here. Why do you have to go away halfway across the world for months"

"Nothing has changed. I still love you the same and our careers are still as important to us as before"

"You could have at least talked to me about this"

"Yes I'm sorry. Everything will be alright once I return, I just have to go now"

Harry couldn't focus on work that day. He just kept replaying the conversation he had with you before leaving.

'I can't lose her. I really can't," he thought. 'Oh my god I love her, I love her so much. We have to find a way to make this work'

And ten thousand miles away from him, you sat all alone on the bed, thinking, 'this will not work, we're so happy, why does he want to give all of this up?'

"We're not teenagers anymore, y/n. Now I want something and you want something else, our worlds are different"

"So we just let it go?"

"I'm not saying that we have to let anything go, but it's my career, y/n. For the first time in my life, things have finally started to move and I don't want to lose anything"

"Harry… I have always supported your career. I have always supported your dreams. But you can have everything you want right here with me and Noelle. You don't have to leave"

"You're not even trying to understand"

"I'm understanding everything. I can't do this anymore, I'm not another one of your fans, Harry. I can't just keep on chasing you like this"

"Ice skating? Really?" you say as you see the long sheet of ice that lay on the ground in front of you, there were only a few people as it was a cold day. Everyone was probably snuggled up in bed with some warm coffee rather than going out on a date with their ex husband.

"We can go somewhere else if you want, there's a restaurant-"

"No this is fine. After all Noelle chose it"

He helps you put on your skates and you both hold each other, trying not to lose balance until you reach the ice rink.

"Ah that's it," he lets go of your arm but still holds your hand in his.

"Wait what did you mean Noelle chose it?"

"You don't know your daughter, Mr Holland. She's grown up to be quite the matchmaker," you laugh.

"You remember how we used to come here?" you smile at the memories, you and Harry used to go ice skating almost every week in winters. Although neither of you were the best at it, you loved the times you spent falling and laughing and later on having hot chocolate in each other's arms.

"Yeah," he tries to hold your other hand as well. "You remember the Christmas Noelle was born? I miss taking her out ice skating"

"Of course I remember," you sigh. "Eighteen hours of labor, and I was alone. You couldn't even make it in time for the birth of your own daughter"

"She was supposed to be born in January, how could I have known she would come in so early?"

"Well you always have the excuses ready, don't you?"

"It's not an excuse, it's more of an explanation. The flights were all booked, I mean it was Christmas! And I did reach the hospital in time"

"You reached the hospital when she was all cleaned up and in my arms"

He stays silent for a few moments and then speaks, with a gentler tone. "Y/n I'm sorry, I really am"

"You always said that, yet you never did anything to understand what went wrong"

"I was just so caught up in my life, I mean… there was so much work. I know I didn't spend much time with you both and-"

"It wasn't even about spending time, Harry. The thing is, you were never there for us. When I needed you the most, you weren't there. Even your brother understood that I needed someone but you didn't. You're just so-" you choked on the words.

"I know, and all I can say is that I've messed up, big time. I know you can't forgive me"

"Oh I've forgiven you a long time ago, Harry"

His hair was all messed up from the wind, going wild in all directions like a crown on his head. His nose and cheeks were turning red from the cold and all you wanted in that moment, was just kiss him. You wanted to feel his cold lips on yours until they turned warm. You wanted to hold his hair in your fingers, you wanted to touch him, you wanted to feel him. You wanted everything you once had. You wanted him back.

"I remember everything about you, you know?" he spoke up. "How can I ever forget? I remember how much you loved reading and how you hated it when I left my clothes on the floor. And how you keep your socks on during sex"

"You just had to bring that up" you roll your eyes and laugh.

"The thing is, I love you. I always have, even now when we're.... over, I still love you. I never got over you"

"Harry-"

"Y/n, what we had, it was something else. You're… the only woman I've actually ever loved in my life"

"And you're the only one who I've loved in my life. But we can't go back now"

"Why? Why can't we give it another chance? Give us another chance?"

"It didn't work the first time, why do you think it'll work now?"

"I don't. But I'm miserable without you and we're different now. I've lost you once and I'll never make you feel like I'm busy for you, ever again"

"Are you sure? I'm tired, Harry. I'm so tired, I really cannot go through this if everything goes wrong again"

"It won't. I promise you, let's give us another chance, please?"

You looked into his eyes and you knew the answer.

*･ﾟﾟ･*:｡:*ﾟ:*:✼✿　　

🌻

Taglist

@mischiefmanaged011 @notsosmexy @drie-the-derp @justanothermarvelmaniac @amorhollands @thisetaernallove @calltothewild @fancyxparker @peterspideysstuff @musicalkeys @theliterarymess @hollands-weasley @tommysparker @god-knows-what-am-i-doing @parkerpeter24 @more-like-reyna @hollandbroz-n-haz @aqiise @sarcasticallywitty15 @spiderrrling @theonly1outof-a-billion

[strongsassysexysloane]

Fifth Day of Twelve - A Perfectly Captured Memory

Well well well this is the most commitment I've had to something in a while. You're welcome LOL.

Click below to read previous days drabbles

. . . .

The snow had really come down over night but you didn't mind. You had gloves now to keep your hands nice and toasty. Even though it was now the weekend in most people's lives, to you, it was just another work day which meant no sleep in whatsoever.

The office was empty when you arrived, typical for a weekend and it was only 0630. You had been up far too early thinking about anything but what gift you would receive today. At least trying to think about anything else. Failing miserably. That was at 0500 and when you saw the snow piled up on the rim of your bedroom window you decided to go in early just in case there was traffic. Had nothing to do with possibly catching the gift giver in the act.

Alas when your eyes found your desk it had something extra sitting beside your phone that definitely wasn't there when you left last night. Unfortunately the potted plant had to go yesterday because it started to smell not so nice.

Once you dropped your backpack underneath, you picked up the photo frame and smiled at the cute family photo inside. It was of the team at Jimmy's birthday party this year. A half decent one before half of you got absolutely sloshed. You were part of that half and so was the woman with her arm curled around your waist, holding you close, her head resting against yours. You of course, had a stupid overly tipsy grin spread across your face. The more.you looked at the photo the more the memory flooded your mind, the taste of bourbon, the warm touch and tight hold of Jack Sloane.

Most days you could keep your emotions under control but that night, the alcohol let them free, just a little. There was dancing, one slow song but you were both too drunk for it to mean anything. You ran your finger over the frame with a smile. His party was so long ago.

That night made it difficult to hold those emotions in check after, you'd tried so hard for the past year putting those feelings for her aside. Someone had pointed out that maybe the failed dates were because no one matched up and that was partly true. No one could but you didn't know how they could match up when you weren't ever a thing to begin with. Oh, how you prayed this was all from her.

You knew Jack was attracted to females, Izzy was easy to get information out of once she was tipsy. Izzy stopped by a few months back to share information on a case much to Jack's dismay but this time she charmed you into drinks. Only for her to get more information on Jack's dating life but in return you got some back story on Jack as well. She, of course, wasn't around to be angry at either of you until the following morning because Izzy had sent her a drunken voicemail.

She was more mad at Izzy for blabbing and curious towards you about why you were so inquisitive. You deflected like you usually did and for once Jack let up.

That was you and Jack. A friendship with questions attached. You knew Jack had asked questions about you a while back. You knew because you'd overhead her talking to Ellie in the ladies room a couple months after you'd joined. It wasn't anything about the job, it was all personal. Ellie had asked you out for Saturday night drinks with her and Nick, everyone else had plans but that didn't stop Jack from getting all the information she wanted. After that you avoided going out with Ellie for a while, it wasn't until she figured it out and promised things would stay between the two of you, that you decided to go drinking with them again. You didn't mind sharing, you just preferred when the person wanting to know asked you face to face which you knew was entirely hypocrital on your part.

Why she didn't ask you or why you couldn't ask her was frustrating. They weren't overly intrusive questions, just getting to know a person's life a bit more. She just made you nervous for some reason.

You almost dropped the photo frame when the elevator doors dinged. It was Gibbs arriving for the day with a cup of coffee in his hand. He frowned at your shocked face and you gave him a one shoulder shrug in response. "Morning."

" 'morning. Another present?"

His question caught you off guard. "Umm..yeah."

"Only gets annoyin' when they harp on about it." He offered a reason to your questioning look. "Got a photo?" He stopped at your desk and looked down at the frame.

You picked it up and faced it towards him. It was a simple light wooden frame with a meaningful picture. "Even has you smiling."

"Might 'ave somethin' to do with the good bourbon Palmer had on tab." He smirked, placing it back down on your desk.

You chuckled. "Was good bourbon." So good that Jimmy didn't realise how many people drank it until he got the bill.

Gibbs nodded and took a swig of his coffee. "Any ideas yet?"

You raised a brow at his follow up but his dead stare just made you chuckle more. "No. I dont-" You didn't want to sound stupid. It seemed like a silly reason.

"Want to ruin the surprise." He nodded and walked over to his desk. It sounded ok when he said it.

"Yeah."

There was silence between you after that. You followed up with the call directory of the victims brother you were working on last night. Praying to find something to go with the no alibi he had for the time of the murder. They were estranged however only lived twenty minutes apart and something in his answers seemed off. Off according to Gibbs and Jack which was something. He just seemed unpleasant when you and Gibbs picked him up yesterday.

The team started to arrive just after and to no one's surprise Ellie was the only one to notice or comment about the frame on your desk. She soon dropped the subject when Jack came whizzing in.

"Guess where I'm jetting off to in a few hours?!" She beamed, bouncing on the balls of her feet with your added enthusiasm.

"Where Jack?" All three of you said in deadpan unison and Gibbs smirked as Jack rolled her eyes. "I don't care if you aren't interested. I'm going to New Orleans." She raised her arms in victory. "It's been so long."

You could tell by her slightly open mouth and glowing eyes that she was thinking about food. "What's first on the menu?"

She laughed and looked down at you. "Depends. I'm going to help Dwayne on a case. He asked for me specifically and Vance actually agreed. So it may be his gumbo or a restaurant between the airport and the office." She shrugged really not caring which option it would be, just that she knew it would be good food.

"Mmmm I can smell it all, already." Ellie hums. She visited the NOLA office earlier in the year, side trip when she went home for a week to Oklahoma. Tammy and Sebastian had finally convinced her to come down for a weekend with the promise of Dwayne's signature dish. She didn't care what it was, she was sold.

"You might need to bring her back something." Nick smirked at Ellie's poked tongue.

"I might just do that."

"Thank you Jack." They both grinned at each other. Ellie was known for her love of food but Jack was a close second in your book.

"Have fun, remember there's a case to solve inbetween food." You smiled wider when she rolled her eyes.

That's when the thought clicked, if Jack wasn't here then you'd finally know if it was her or not. She couldn't surprise you with gifts if she wasn't here and she wouldn't dare tell anyone else it's her.

"Thank you, Y/n. Gibbs, I've got those profiles you asked for yesterday. Follow me." She motioned with her gloved hand for him to join her to her office and he obliged.

She left the office not long after and left Gibbs with another possible lead for the case.

"Grab your gear."

. . . .

Tonight consisted of drinking eggnog, watching Christmas movies while making Gingerbread houses with my roommate. Twas fun. Feeling very festive. Hop everyone has a good weekend!

[aassumida]

GIARDINO BLU

A / N: before I started everything I wanted to warn you that I don't speak English very well, forgive me if the story sucks

Things bloom

In unexpected moments

"But I know

This can't go on forever

I have to let you go

But I want you so much "

15th century: March 21st Italy

POV Author

It was a scorching summer day in a quiet northern Italian city in which it was not well known except for the fact that it was surrounded by fine grains of areas that covered the streets, mountains and houses, its residents were mostly humble people who lived their lives calmly, and without a lot of worries just having to stay in the same village day by day, there lived a man he was not a high class nobleman who lavished wealth and money wherever he went he was a simple homeless person nor a he was certainly not the most humble person in terms of money but he had an inherent and pure beauty that was easily hidden by his "rags" and dirt

An orphan since his birth with the disappearance or death of his parents he doesn't even know without knowing the world trapped walking in circles he steals to survive not that he really had much choice

ー hey little thief come back here with this

But an escape really was getting difficult to escape almost the whole city knew his face and knew him very well that was what they called him "little thief" even though he knew his name Naruto Uzumaki this time was a simple bakery that had the displeasure of being in touch with the blond but it wasn't his fault after all in this village street people only have one end to starve or steal to survive what would you choose?

He ran for a while until the lord of the bakery got tired of running after him giving up on leaving him with bubbling anger in his eyes Naruto took advantage of it and started eating the piece of bread with such speed that he realized where he was only after savoring "his "food in a lost forest was all he needed. The forest was full of trees it was even surprising compared to the hot climate of the village that no water was so dry wasting nature would appreciate everything since it was his first time there in his 21 years but the desperation to leave and go to the place who called it home was bigger

He walked on confusing trails up and down up there and without even knowing if he was close to leaving that place, it didn't make sense to sigh loudly with tiredness "My back is killing me and my legs are stuck in a stream" I thought with every step I took I didn't know little where he was going had left by the city gates they said that the forest was haunted they had already seen monsters there that they had tails and fierce looks stories to prevent their children from leaving home or disobeying their parents "If you don't behave I will leave you in the forest "but the most" scary "" The Monster of the Castle "the monster of the castle say he was the son of a lord who was the fruit of a love that could not even exist he was born with a few lines on his face that was thing for an ox to sleep Naruto always thought of the orphanage where he lived always told him these stories he didn’t understand yes he knew that there was indeed a man who lived in a huge old castle like the grains of sand in the city is that he was in fact the son, not of a lord, but of nothing but nothing less, the Duke of Florence, the youngest son in which he was sent is expelled for his appearance to this castle, the residents who saw him said that they said he it was ugly disgusting it’s even horrendous the blond with beautiful eyes blue sky didn’t understand didn’t understand why they didn’t even really know the man

Surprised sighs mixed with euphoria came out of his mouth as he witnessed a huge castle in front of him, it looked like it was made up of unanswered questions, he was in fact lost, but now what he was going to do to face the monster or remain lost without even being good at it. forest

He did the obvious right back to the forest not five minutes after turning around he started trying to climb the huge walls several and several attempts most fail well all until he finally managed to get over the huge walls "My God what a hell wall "

His surprise was such a huge garden composed of the most diverse and beautiful flowers ever seen, each one more beautiful than the other yellow red white pink and many more flowers never seen was right in front of him his eyes shone but he never observed everything with the greatest fascination the most beautiful thing he has witnessed in all these years but at the back of him he saw a man with short medium-length reddish hair is a thin physique watering is cultivating these flowers he seemed so serene cultivating his flowers he was so beautiful indeed there were thousands of lines and some black dots marking his face it only made him more beautiful Naruto barely noticed the hours seconds transformed into minutes gardem gave way to hours when he realized the man had already entered his castle is left his jrdim there lit only by the dim light of the moon

Naruto looked at those beautiful flowers

"Only a few will not hurt anyone"

He thought with a careful leap he looked like a cat just on the tip of his feet he was admiring for a while or a lot he lost his hours touching the flowers with delicacy they were so soft then after a few minutes he tore some flowers with care, right, carefully wrapped them in his little cloth when coming back to the forest it seemed that going back to his village was much easier maybe because of his wandering mind that only thought about the day he saw "The monster of the castle" that of a monster only had names he didn't look like a monster people really invent each thing he went to his little hiding place it was nothing too much to tell the truth just a bed is a table it could be worse was sleeping on his straw bed because we don't have any improvised money not soon after putting the flowers in a glass of water I could hardly sleep that's a thousand because just to throw himself in bed if he sleeps there like a cannonball the truth was that he only thought about the garden and the castle he wanted so much to talk to the man when you saw earlier your hunger took away everything when you fell asleep due to tiredness your thoughts were gone for an instant

Naruto POV

Italy June 22

Waking up with the hot sun hitting me in the face again was an ass every day the mana thing didn’t make a day that this village doesn’t get a miserable heat and honestly I didn’t want to wake up I looked to the side lazily but the sleep soon passed me I got up hurriedly and went to the flowers I took them in my hand shock

ー It wasn't a dream, I walk so exhausted I'm even daydreaming it can only be that

My belly is asking for urgent food I give a loud sigh but one day

ー Sometimes I just wanted to be rich

With the flowers I went walking through the streets, vast streets of the city simple houses mostly humble surrounded me small markets but a common day for everyone as always people looked at me unwanted this is what I am but I couldn't blame them in the end one a thief who steals them almost daily would be funny if it weren't tragic an old woman approached me with a smile on her face different from most people around me, how strange people usually ignore me or pretend I'm not even here or even stop to curse me I looked at him suspiciously "not a good thing"

ー What beautiful flowers my young man how much they cost

She spoke with a gentle smile I raised an eyebrow what the hell is she talking about I dared to ask

ー What?

She looked at me confused we both looked at each other in confusion it was even funny the scene two idiots not understanding anything they were talking about we were on different pages it would never work

ー You are not selling your flowers

I looked at the makeshift bouquet in my hands. Sell ​​? Flowers ? Money….

ー Ehhh yes ... I am selling it I mean they are mine… .. lady

Trying to sound as good as possible as someone who really knows what he is doing as well as I thought it sucked the old woman laughed outrageously she took some coins and handed it to me I took it firmly let her decide not to give it to me anymore

ー Well I want these roses here

She pointed it out and gave it to me quickly and right after its withdrawal I still didn't understand anything in one hand flowers in the other money

ー Money….

A whirlwind of thoughts prowled my head. I could sell flowers to get what to eat and live, maybe get out of this crappy village and thus be able to live, but these flowers are not even mine, how can I sell them?

I approached a guy who sold Shikamaru muffins I think he looked at me ugly with a mixture of tiredness he looked like he hadn't slept in ages with his black hair the Nara family one of the families but humble is respected at the same time I remembered I had assaulted him last week he just doesn't get me because of the laziness that has to be moved a putz muscle it had to be him my stomach rumbled loudly I apparently gave a boring smile and my discomfort didn't show

ー Will try to rob me again Naruto

He said suspiciously but soon after yawned his eyes slowly closed I scratched my head

ー Not this time… .I mean I'll pay myself Naruto Uzumaki I'll pay

I said hurriedly I handed him the money anyway he still looked at me suspiciously not believing in a word my look at him was judging me looking into my soul

ー HMM ... you didn't steal it from anyone is it

I looked at you offended

ー OF COURSE NO! I managed with my own money I… .. am selling flowers

I showed him the flowers with a proud look they were fascinated with them I was feeling so good that everything in me screamed "you are too convinced for someone who won 10 silvers"

ー Didn't know you grew flowers

I don't cultivate!

ー I will change of life

Said firmly

ー As long as you stop stealing my cookies I don't care little thief

ー I have a name Shikamaru

He just looked at me and gave a lazy smile I gave a smile too I left that tent and left as quickly as possible pretending dementia listening to Shikamaru's laugh behind this Shikamaru invents everything

Somewhere else

Gaara POV

Another day in this huge castle alone with my beautiful garden one of the only things that doesn't keep me lonely in this scum of life I let out loud sighs staring at the wall in disbelief how long it will last how long

I hear the door slam that made my thoughts change a little bit. Who is it that I hurry up sitting on the bed looking for my mask?

ー Master you should have been getting up ...

I sighed loud relief stamped across my entire being my right arm and the only person besides me who lives in that stupid castle came through the door with a coffee tray in addition to my cook's right arm and basically mine does everything I feel that without him I would go to freak out

Lee Rock Lee you don't need so much formality is your day off you shouldn't be doing anything but fun like I don't know dating you are young

ー The 70 year old man talks more fun than cooking is helping you in your impossible Giardino

ー Lee formality the formality reminds

He gives a small laugh Lee always manages to get laughs and smiles from me

ー yes yes you don't think you should go out a bit but Gaara meeting new people a boy or girl who knows

ー Who would want to know me or my father wants to see me my brothers for them I hardly exist because I have to be so horrendous

I said throwing myself on the bed again running my hands over the marks on my face

ー You have to stop calling yourself that not everyone cares about how you look, besides that you are very beautiful I'm sure you just didn't find the right person and your brothers love you I know NOW go take a shower to eat for the love o sunny day perfect for farming don't you think

He put the tray on top of the table, which was always full of books about flowers. I loved creating flowers and taking care of them. My mother liked it. I felt sorry for not having met him. Lee left quickly. I was already preparing for monotonous days. to the bathroom

Somewhere else

POV Author

The young Uzumaki sold "his" flowers surprisingly they made successes who saw fell in love with his old "friend" Sakura Haruno appeared all euphoric as always a woman from high society nor was it known why loads of water she was in that peaceful village

ㅡ NARUTO UZUMAKI WHO YOU STOLE THIS TIME

she said already giving him slaps and sermons as always

ㅡ AINN Sakura-Chan how long I thought until you had already fled this city

I teased her, she rolled her eyes and gave me another shit making me bewildered it hurt so much it looks like I'm going to pass out sure there will be a cock

ㅡ SHUT UP THE MOUTH BAKA You know why I'm here I need to see my lady

She smiled smugly but with a look of malice I wanted to laugh but I am respectful

ㅡ first stop screaming the scandalous it's me second came to see Hinata again

her look fell I gave a look of I KNOW YOU

ㅡ Know that the Hyuuga are enemies of the Haruno

ㅡ nonsense nobody will stop our love now give me one of these wonderful flowers

I gave her the rest of the flowers with rest I say a flower she gave me the money and I quickly denied it

ㅡ Go right before I change my mind I don't deny money

She ran quickly with the flower she knows me well the flower in her hand she swayed with the speed of her steps more obvious without first giving me another punch mommy I just don't fight with her because I don't want to be beaten to death

Watching the sunset I didn't know where I was going the streets are still busy as if the joy of the city really started I could just go away and wait one day I had money for at least tomorrow but I followed the forest when I entered it all it looked so scary but also so comforting in a short time unlike yesterday the moon was bright i didn't know where i was going i was going back to that place to that garden for that man AI Naruto your idiot is going crazy

Upon seeing the castle even with the huge trees I could clearly see flashing flames and attractive drugs

I tried school again the walls were easier than the last time when I jumped I could see those beauties this beautiful Giardino I approached without wanting to steal know how much closer I saw a body A BODY was the red-haired man I got closer her every time but my heart was beating the more I got close until I saw him sleeping he was so serene in the middle of several sunflowers

ㅡ Who are you… ..

I ran my hand over his face my fingers were delighted by his lines his shadow on his face his little dots the man opened his eyes eyes sea green beautiful as the owner grandma tell you he looked bewildered but when he noticed our approach he quickly got up and walked away

ㅡ Who are you…. why are you here