#but it COULDVE... and now we will DEFINITELY never know what the hell that meant

[the-deadlock-south]

like, archives used to be THE BIGGEST overwatch event for me because it was the most we got in terms of in-game lore and i just genuinely enjoyed playing them (retribution, my beloved), but invasion? don't know her. i refuse to pay for it and not only do i not regret not getting to play it - i haven't even bothered to check the gameplay on youtube. this is how uninterested i am in the game these days. so yeah, the fumbled overwatch big time.

THIS IS WHAT IM SAYING THIS IS THE REALEST THING EVER

genuinely always felt like such a treat going to play the archive missions uuuggghhh i miss her so bad........ there will never be such a fumble for a videogame than ow this i'm absolutely certain

[rubyneo]

so (claps my hands together) they 100% misused neo here. they shouldve shown her and what she was doing in EA more. what screen time they did give her was often underwhelming. i had a complete lack of reaction to a certain kiss (& the whole scene honestly). it literally did nothing for me. just like. Ok. finally. it was dumb as fuck that yang was more concerned about defending blake from rubys outburst than she was about her sister clearly being in SEVERE distress?!? ruby the girl who's never lashed out like this ever, the sister she raised and would do anything for. okk... i liked jaune's arc though i thought that was well done + i love that he got to keep the white hair after being younged. the wk moments were... interesting. curious to see where they go with that. i LOVED the brothers lore it literally made me jaw drop. the baby brothers were so cute... really love that they were FROM EA rather than having created it. also the implication that they can come and go from there as they pleased? not really plausible imo but it couldve been interesting to. see them. umm. the neo illusion scene i loved everything about roman ofc. his final line made me cry really hard. clover was funny as hell to me. that man did fucking NOTHING. he only did things as part of the group and then during the fight he literally just stood there holding kingfisher. presumably bc neo had no idea how he fought. he was just there to be a number in the group + to turn into qrow. lionheart at least used his weapon in the fight. neo's backstory shouldve been more explored beyond a couple paintings and a couple lines from roman. not everyone has read roman holiday. ozpin using his cane in the fight like roman (hitting and bludgeoning rather than the fencing style) was a good detail. i've seen people get all up in arms about penny and ironwood being there but like. it is not unreasonable for neo to have made an educated guess as to what happened with them. the summer scenes were fantastic i love her axe-gun. yes ruby stop putting your mom on a pedestal she was a person too! though interesting that it took her so long to be like GASP my mom LIED?!? when in v7 qrow literally tells her that summer had a lot of secrets. meaning she lied a lot. ALSO very interested in who raven portaled to. if qrow knows more than hes been telling or if theres another person we havent met that raven found important enough to have immediate access to. weiss being made into the comedy character was.. annoying to say the least. neo's ending was unsatisfying in a lot of ways. i think this volume couldve done with another couple of episodes to fully flesh out ideas. sorry this was long lmao but it think this is a decent summary of my thoughts

YEAH!!!! honestly so many of my issues with it definitely could have been fixed with just like 2 extra episodes to fit in more of the build up (especially to the ruby and neo plot). bees were fine but they were like meant to be a d-plot to me. i figured it would be like primary plot is trying to get home interspersed with the ruby and neo dramatic build up and ruby's mental state deteriorating, b plot was what was goin on with jaune, c plot is The Penny Thing, and then bees could be doing their thang in the bg.

still mad ruby and neo's Whole Deal was like an episode and 4 lines of dialogue outside of that.

summer and raven's little adventure makes me so fucking crazy. i fully expect the person raven portalled to to be the spring maiden, and lowkey i think its possible it could be gretchen. the timeline would certainly line up.

neo's ending...i was able to be okay with it until i saw that the writers were literally like well she's a fan favourite so we knew we couldnt just off her so we had to give her a more gentle send off like KILL YOURSELVES!!!!!! sniffle. they rly just dropped at the last second "neo is jealous of the love ruby gets from her friends 🥺🥺 now she's gonna kill herself" LIKE SHUT UPPPPP.

the highs for me were VERY high (ruby snapping! neo's dialogue as an echo of salem's! jaune being a crazy hermit to parallel to ozpin! the brothers bg! summer and raven! the horror elements!!!) and the lows were very low. but if theyd had like literally just 2 more episodes i think it would have flowed a lot better and not felt quite so...rushed near the end.

[feralghxuls]

“can you believe this isn’t even all of it?”

i- if you’re willing and able PLEASE give us more enemies/lovers swiss/alpha i’m begging you it’s food for my soul <3

rubs my gay little hands together.

WELL.

should i tell you about the tangled mess it all becomes when we bring in alpha's history with omega? and the fact that swiss ends up mates with omega (theres a weird little triangle with rain, omega, and swiss but i wont go into it here) and he hasn't really been keeping omega in the loop about what he's been up to with alpha, but when he realizes that yeah he's definitely fallen for the little asshole, he needs to tell omega. and he's kind of scared shitless about it. he just knows broadly what went down, but enough to know this could go south quick

and how it turns out that omega and alpha's relationship, though it was mainly a D/s relationship, was incredibly toxic -- alpha demanding scenes, more and more, omega giving in even though alpha is taking far more than omega has to give, then when omega starts saying no, alpha blames his subsequent explosive meltdowns on omega, shouting about how if he'd just given him this one little thing, none of this would have happened

and how, when swiss comes clean about alpha, the fact he's been doing scenes with him for months now, and it was just supposed to be a one-off thing but it kinda just kept happening, and even though he buries the fact that he's become fond of the shithead in between everything else, omega is dead silent when he finishes explaining the situation. and then he says he needs some time. he'll let swiss know when he's ready to talk.

and how swiss makes up his mind to turn alpha down if he comes to him asking for a scene, and the fierce debate swiss has with himself when it comes down to it: simply turn apha down, refer him to someone else if he needs it that bad, or turn him down and tell him its because of omega -- which would dredge up old, aching wounds that they'll have to sort through later, shit alpha hasn't even been able to look at but if omega's still this torn up about it, surely alpha is too. the difference is that alpha is pissed. and guilty, which feeds into the fury. which is gonna result in a very nasty scene when they finally dig into it. (and long, long aftercare)

orrr should i tell yall about a little hc of mine that swiss loves taking photos of everyone, he likes to do little photoshoots and get them printed and everything, and he asks alpha one day if he can take pictures of him. he's already been viciously turned down when he's asked to record him during scenes before, but swiss thinks a nice artful nude photoshoot would do alpha some good. a nice confidence boost, not in an ego boosting way bc satan knows he doesnt need more of that, but in a seeing himself as pretty way. he wants alpha to see himself the way swiss sees him.

like a pathetic little freak? i dont need that shit on film

well. that doesn't go over how swiss imagined it. somehow he'd forgotten that he exclusively calls alpha nasty mean things, its just how they function, but he doesn't really see alpha like that anymore. but he cant backpedal out of this, not when alphas immediately in a hissy, hairtrigger reactive mood, but he says that they should meet up later so he can explain what he means, and alpha is huffy and nasty about it but he thinks about it all day, what the hell else swiss couldve meant by that. it never occurred to him that swiss might see him in a positive light

but uh. dont get it twisted. no matter how fond of alpha swiss gets, or how easy it gets for alpha to spill his guts to swiss, they're still teeth and blood and claws and it just means they know what cuts the deepest

(and once again none of this would exist without the partner in crime @citruspuppy >:3)

[notahorseindisguise]

hi just finished writing this essay and i came back up to the top to say THIS GOT SO MUCH LONGER THAN I MEANT IT TO. i just like writing media analysis. you really dont need to read all of it thats ok <3

i was gonna write this in tags but then it got too long cause i am NOT a concise man . anyway i get why you feel that way thats such a valid opinion, but to me it definitely has its charm . it has the "...calling all SAVIORS, TONIGHT" which i really like, i love that chorus. saviors is a response to the world today, and its almost a call to action, id say. god i think this short response is about to turn into a full essay. sorry.

savior is a word most commonly associated in the cultural conscience with the one guy, jesus. to a very large number of people, the word exclusively refers to him . so when they use it in the plural sense, referring to multiple saviors implies that jesus being the savior was not enough to save us. thats also further supported by the line in strange days where they say "jesus gonna quit his job/he promised us forever/but we got less". theyre saying jesus promised hed be our savior, but it wasnt enough to save us forever . thats why hes quitting his job (of being the savior) because he wasnt enough

so "calling all saviors", and the whole of saviors to me, obviously reads as green day saying like ..we need more people actively fighting to save us. we need more saviors. and i enjoy that message. and maybe im reading into it but it kind of feels like green day is implying "cause we cant do this forever", yk? they need someone to take over but theres really no bands like green day around right now

another reason i like this album is it does really well in its position. i dont know if anyone else has noticed this trend, but the penultimate song of most green day albums seems to be a "goodbye song", and then the last song is a finale. its hard to explain what theyre doing, but you can definitely sense it.

for example: homecoming is basically the end of the story of american idiot. the album could end at homecoming and itd still be a spectacular album, but even though homecoming is a goodbye from the album, its not a finale. whatsername however, definitely is. it feels like it wraps up the album.

this post is already so long, so i wont go into specifics, but you can also DEFINITELY and obviously see this in nimrod, definitely in revolution radio, in 21cb, in dookie (to some extent, if you count all by myself), hell i would argue its even present in ¡uno! to some extent. i could talk about this for ages because i think its really cool

but the point is, saviors is really good at being the second to last song. it sums up the idea for the album (need for help during this modern age and its overwhelmingness), its a call to action for that savior to appear, and it also feels like the album could have ended there if they wanted it to.

but it didn't, because green day is smarter than that, because they had something else to say, which is fancy sauce, and fancy sauce honestly to me feels a bit like green day finally admitting to themselves that they arent angry teenagers anymore . what with the "we all die young someday" . they arent actually saying that theyre dieing young, like I've said before, more like theyre saying everybody dies, no matter how old, unfinished. youll never be able to finish everything you ever could have.

and to me that sentiment almost feels like theyre saying, we couldve done more, but we grew older too fast? maybe? im not sure.

sorry prev, this stopped being about you about a paragraph in, so you dont need to read all this, in fact nobody really does, i just wanted to get some thoughts out there cause as my followers know i loooove analyzing media.

final thoughts: saviors the song is a really good song. i love how it fits into the album. it brings the album home while still leaving that room for one more song that fancy sauce fills perfectly. however, for the titular track, its not very shareable. like its not a song that i could just send someone and be like "this encapsulates the whole new album" . and i dont know that there is one for this album, i think. i think you just gotta listen to the whole thing.

ok so saviors (album) i really enjoy as a whole. im a little disappointed in saviors (song) honestly. it works great in its place in the album, i think its a great song as the penultimate moment of the album . but its not that great a standalone ?

like in the context of. if you were gonna recommend a song to someone from an album. usually youd recommend the song that the album borrows its name from. saviors (song) kind of misses the mark there. its not enough for it to be the only song that people know from it, if that makes sense.

and like i just saw someone say in a review of the album, it kind of feels like saviors doesnt have just one song to recommend to a casual listener to get a feel of the album. maybe strange days? or tadikm? those would be my only two suggestions. but like. it shouldve been saviors (song) and i think it had potential. but its missing Something. something small. idk what it is it needs a little more. maybe if they made it like. longer. and added more to it, like a faster section. im not sure ok but it needs more

[pinkmirth]

—𝐌𝗼𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐁𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐠𝗼𝐮 𝐊𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢 [𝐬𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐧𝐬𝐟𝐰 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐥𝐞]

《𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐝𝗼𝗺𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝗼𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 + 𝐬𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐍𝐒𝐅𝐖 𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐝》

Boxes splayed across the bare, sheen hardwood of your newly owned apartment, some contents of them being haphazardly tossed out onto the floor, courtesy of Katsuki. Speaking of, the eager ash blonde had been taking this whole unpacking thing with a ravaging approach, a little more aggression than enthusiasm being displayed. This disregarding husband of yours had already broken two vases since the moving van hauled in your belongings..

You caught wind of his incoherent murmurs throughout the day, which were practically countless by now. You’d been racking your brain since, attempting to discover what had gotten your poor Katsuki so upset. Despite the marriage that bonded you and him, Katsuki’s profession usually got in the way of many personal things. For a while, it’d been a danger just for the pair of you to live together, so you haven’t been. Until now. It had been three days since you and him moved from the comfort of your hometown, Musutafu, to the renowned capital, Tokyo, and you wished you could say it had been smooth sailing. Unfortunately, a certain Bakugou wasn’t having the best time, always sputtering a profanity or a groan left and right. His case of the grumps was probably a trip of his complex emotions, either caused by a sense of neediness, deprivation of some sort, or bottled rage. You were betting, practically hoping on the first two instead. Knowing your husband, it meant well that he’d get his hands on miscellaneous household items to crush, smash and break, as some way of channeling his anger episodes. Three days down the line, and you already needed to replace a handful.. Though, it was currently dinner time, and you were sure that was a good thing. Katsuki’s little funk would wash away come 6pm. Cooking had a way of melting away the male’s heaps of stress, especially when you offered to join in. Throughout that hour of making food and serving you his prideful dishes, he always carried a subtle smile. Dinner wasn’t something to worry about. “Fuckin’ hell!” Scratch that. Telling by the pestering clatter of the cabinets he was yanking open, to the dastardly echo of his stomps, it seemed that you couldn’t rely on the succor of food for any longer. “I oughta’ set this lousy kitchen on fucking fire!” You let out a hefty sigh, picking yourself up from the spacious beanbag, since you were yet to assemble any couches, before strolling over to the kitchen, awaiting to see the reason behind your husband’s exaggerated shrieking. “Katsu-Chan, what's the issue..?” Your husband immediately bombarded you with a growled rant, “I can’t find my shitty apron!” You eyed Katsuki through furrowed brows. Is all this attitude really about one measly apron? Nah, I doubt it, your inner voice chimed. “And there ain’t any more pepper seasoning, so I haven’t got a clue what I’ll cook now..” he spewed through gritted teeth, recklessly tossing away the poor frying pan that he’d been holding onto all the while, impressive dents imprinted onto the handle, curved into the shape of his fingers. In that case, you had one more household item to replace. Noted.. “I can’t find that damned thing,” he spoke with an exasperated huff, his hands flying up to the cupboards, motioning them open and closed with the slightest violent tendency. “Hate to break it to you, sweet cheeks, but we ain’t eating dinner tonight,” you scoffed over Katsuki’s recurring dramatics, “These past few days have been shitty anyway..” He’d said it throughout a lowly mutter, but it was enough to cause a nervous stream to rush through you. Did he not like it here? Perhaps the city was too busy for Dynamight, maybe he wasn’t immune to getting homesickness as he liked to brag about, or it couldve been that he just wasn’t ready to get used to such a foreign occurrence in your relationship— living together. But, of course, considering your nature to bat things off with a joke of some sort, you contorted your worries into a comical stick to jab at your husband with.

“Darling, if you’re on your man-period, you should’ve just said so..” you’d said it with fabricated pity, all the while holding back your chuckles as his brows began to furrow, upper lip curving vexingly.

“You think you’re so damn funny, dontcha’, woman..?”

“Yeah, just a little bit.”

Another rasped groan left the lips of the ever-impatient Bakugou Katsuki, “Oi. Are ya’ just gonna keep giggling on about my little anger episode forever?”

Hm. For once, he actually acknowledged it for what it is, you thought briefly, before making your way around the glossy, marble-design kitchen island, your hands finding solace on his defined, muscular triceps. 

The thick straps of his black, square neck tank top gradually began to slide past his shoulders, shadowing over his collarbone before you inched it back up.

“Do you.. like it here, Katsuki?” By the moment he answered your answer with an aggressive snort, you realized you had nothing to worry about.

 “Why the hell wouldn't I? We didn’t pay for this house just to hate the place,” he scoffed, his large palms skimming over the small of your back before thick fingers of his wrapped around your waist.

“That’s a relief, but you’ve been acting a little grumpy— Like something’s bothering you. Could you just tell me how you’re feeling?” You finally admitted your questioning thoughts with an expectant look, watching Katsuki return your curiosity with a subtle smirk. “You wanna know what’s bothering me..?” 

“Y’know what, never mind. Don’t wanna hear it, Katsu-Chan.”

Your abrupt response had him knitting his brows and emitting confused huffs. “So you’re just gonna change your mind on me like that?!” You jabbed at his chest with your pointer finger to punctuate your reply, “because you made it sound creepy, that’s why!”

Katsuki then tightened his grip around your waist, earning a breathy gasp out of you. Before you could question the blonde, he already had you hauled up into the kitchen island, standing between your dangling legs with the tip of his nose grazing yours. You couldn’t help but let out a sigh at the comforting warmth of his sizey hands, your arms instinctively flinging around the back of his neck.

“Alright, I’ll tell you the truth, hon,” confessed Katsuki, “The move has been great, but horrible. It all went good, I guess. No missing items, moving trucks arriving in record time, everything we wanted. But there’s one more thing that we wanted that you seemed to forget about, you lil’ idiot..”

Despite the use of an insult, his cheeks and ears began the bloom a subtle but pretty pink, his sharp red eyes averting from your own blinking ones.

“Care to inform me on whatever I forgot..?” You skimmed through my your memory frantically in those few seconds that he’d paused, trying to dig up a pleasing answer before he told you himself.

“Privacy, [Y/N].. We’d have so much, too much once we moved to our own place. And we loved the sound of that. Y‘know why, right..?”

Your heart suddenly leapt within your chest at his indication, his left brow rising suggestively as he briefly cocked his head. You definitely knew why.

“So we could have times like this. Without any damned interruptions. I can suck your face off without one of my shitty friends popping up unexpectedly, ain’t that swell?” His voice held the slightest bit of laughter in it, his tone comical and yearning.

“So.. if I said that I wanna feel you close to me..” you murmured, your breath fanning over his proximate lips, “Like, really really close, it wouldn’t be a problem, yes?” A teasing, lingering peck was what you placed across his cheek, earning a genuine grin from Katsuki as a response.

“Who the hell’s gonna stop you? In fact, I’ve got my own idea,” his lowly voice came out booming nonetheless, but of course, the benefit of privacy made sure that his volume wasn’t a problem.

“I wanna watch you. While you watch me.” He didn’t have to be lewdly exact with his words, the lust-blown gaze in your husband’s vermillion eyes was enough to tell what he wanted. It was simple enough as he’d said; Mutual masturbation, just a few minutes before dinner time would commence.

Albeit the serene atmosphere, you couldn’t hold back your snicker over your realization. Bakugou Katsuki, your impatient lover. The poor guy had been in such a distasteful mood, only because of his unnerving libido..

“You wanna watch me take off my panties, huh?” Your teasing statement came out as a suggestive giggle, your hand placed sturdily at the nape of his neck while the unoccupied one got to work on making his fantasies a reality, tugging at the hem of your leggings hastily.

“You’ve gotta watch me too, y’know,” Katsuki reminded you with a gravelly chuckle, shimmying and pulling his bottoms off as though there were no time to spare.

His half naked form had attracted you in an instant, eyes drawing to his thick cock, semi-hard and already being encased into his moving palm.

“Don't just stare. It works both ways, sweet cheeks. I wanna see some fingers moving’ already,” Puffs of breath were taken between his words, ruby red eyes already lidded with an agape mouth that poured out the most arousing groans.

“Nah, I think I’ll just enjoy the show for now,” you decided matter-of-factly, pressing a sloppy kiss along his defined jawline, causing him to emit another grunt, lowly slapping sounds being heard from his vulgar ministrations.

“You think you’re cute, huh..” hissed Bakugou, trudging his clothes back on with a grunt, to your dismay. “Forget it. Instead of putting on a show for a brat like you, I’m gonna go straight to dinner.”

You accepted the fate that your actions resulted in, ready to slide off the island, just before his stern hands stopped you. He gave you this glance, one that made you eye him in suspicion as he kept his hands on each of your thighs, spreading them apart with a lax grin.

“Katsu— Ah!” By now, the blonde had already dropped to his knees, now face level with your clothed heat. “W-what about dinner..?!”

“Whaddya’ mean?” His tone came out rasped and attractive, a growing smirk reaching his lips as his fingers prodded at the band of your bottoms, “This is my dinner, babe..”

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[reyloforcebalance]

Bonded Chapter 32: Head and Heart

The newest chapter to my Reylo fanfic (rated T). If you want to check out the previous chapters, here’s the link to AO3!

“Wait…” Colonel Vaden leans over the table. “None of them went off?”

“None.” General Petrov sits back in his chair.  

“But…” Colonel Russo turns to the General. “What about the explosion on the South side? Wasn’t that one of them?”

“No.” Petrov shakes his head. “That was just some of the scum trying to escape, blocking off our troops so they could weasel their way out of the mines.” He grunts. “We caught them halfway to the Silver, neutralized them.”

Vaden narrows his eyes.

“So…” He starts slowly. “What happened? They just malfunctioned? All of them?”

“Well, that’s the interesting part.” Petrov sits up now. “According to the explosives team, they were diffused.”

“Diffused?” Vaden cocks his head.

“That’s the report.”

“And it wasn’t them?” Russo scoots forward. “It wasn’t your team?”

“Definitely not.” Petrov turns his head. “The first thing they did when we cracked into the base was go straight into the mines. But by the time they got there…” He lifts a hand.  

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Russo looks down.

“Or maybe it does.” Petrov turns to the colonel.

“How?” Russo demands. “There was no one down there who could’ve done such a thing.”

“No one…?” The General raises an eyebrow.

Vaden scoffs.

“Are you suggesting…” He leans in with air of condescension. “That the slaves diffused the bombs?”

“Who else could it have been?”

“Really?” Russo grunts. “You think those gutter rats are even capable?”

“Maybe.” Petrov shrugs. “It’s the only explanation that makes sense.”

“But…” Vaden flits his head. “Even assuming they had the capability, how did they get it done so quickly? The mines are miles long, and they had no way of knowing we’d be here.”

“They had time.” The General waves a hand. “Especially since the explosives were rigged on a grid. Looks like the delay you ordered paid off, sir.” Petrov twists to the Supreme Leader.

He stands facing the console, unmasked, his back to the group.

But he doesn’t respond to the General.

He just stands there.

Listening…

“Well,” Russo lets out a sigh. “I suppose it’s possible. We would’ve drawn all the scum to the base this morning, cleared out the mines. Maybe that was all they needed. Who knows?” He purses his lips. “Maybe our benevolence to the slaves is starting to pay off…?”

“Or maybe they just heard about Kaller,” Vaden adds dryly.

“Either way,” Petrov sits up. “I think we’ve learned something today. These slaves…” He taps the table. “Could be useful to us as more than just a publicity stunt. I say we send out a team to the operational camp tomorrow, start questioning them, find out more about—”

“No.” The Supreme Leader turns abruptly. “We have more important matters to attend to.” He begins pacing the room.

“But, sir—”

“Vaden, I want you to start extraction on the East end.” Kylo ignores the General. “Stay away from the operational camp and away from the base.”

“Yes, sir.” The colonel nods. “The teams are ready; the equipment is here. We’ll start at first light.”

“Good.” Kylo continues pacing. “Russo, how long until the camp is ready for intake?”

The younger colonel sighs.

“Definitely not tomorrow.” He widens his eyes. “We barely finished set-up today. These slaves are very uncooperative. My troops had the worst time wrangling them. Half of them kept trying to wander off, refused to—”

“How long, colonel?”

Russo sits up, clearing his throat.

“Three days, sir. Assuming the slaves stay put and follow orders.”

“Make it two,” The Supreme Leader commands curtly.

Russo shrinks a bit.

“Petrov, what’s the latest intel on Ranc’s presence in the Silver?”

“Last I heard…” The General leans forward. “The gang’s headquarters took in only a few from the smaller bases, no more than a hundred. The rest of the scum are holed up in a canyon on the west side of the planet. Sources tell us they’ve got an armory there, but not a large one, nothing that could threaten us.”

“Is the canyon…” The Supreme Leader turns to the General. “Populated with civilians?”  

Petrov purses his lips.

“I…” He starts slowly. “Think there are a few sand tribes nearby. But they stay clear of the armory. Ranc makes certain of that.”

“Good.” Kylo continues pacing. “Then I want you to bury them. Start with a round of aerial assaults in the morning.”

“With pleasure.” The General sits back with a smirk. “And the Silver?”

“Set up a perimeter around the headquarters,” he commands. “And be subtle about it. I don’t want Ranc catching on before we evacuate the city.”

“Yes, sir.” Petrov straightens. “I’ll send in a stealth unit at dawn. I can even send them tonight, if you like.”

“No.” The Supreme Leader stops in front of the console. “There’s only one more thing I want from you tonight. All of you.” He turns to face the men at the table.

They all look at him, ready and alert.

Kylo stares coolly for a moment.

“Get some sleep,” he says finally.

The men visibly relax.

“You’re dismissed.” He turns to the console. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Russo’s shoulders drop in relief.

“Yes, sir.”

The men scoot back from the table, rising and filing swiftly into the hall of the ship.

The door whirs shut behind them.

Kylo listens as their footsteps recede.

He stands, perfectly still, until he hears them fade away.

Then he snatches the comm at his belt, bringing it to his lips.

“What’s the word from 928-C?” He demands.

He lowers the device, waiting.

“He’s on his way, sir.” The response crackles in. “He’ll arrive at the shuttle in five minutes.”

Kylo lets out a long exhale, like he’s been holding it in all day.  

“Clear the ship.” He commands into the comm. “I want everybody out before he gets here. Tell the guard to let Bonden and his guest in, then close the shuttle until morning.”

“Yes, sir.”

Kylo steps to the right console, setting the comm next to his mask. He pulls off his gloves, casting them on the counter, then turns to the meeting table.

He pulls out a chair, taking a seat slowly, a wave of exhaustion setting in as he does.

But the feeling doesn’t last long.

He sits up, swelling with anticipation, tempered only by a hint of uncertainty.  

For a split second, the image flashes, the last time he saw Rey— her eyes pleading with his, tears streaming down her cheeks.

But he quickly buries the memory, banishing it to the edges of his mind, nothing left but a trace of regret.

He looks down, his jaw twitching.

He hates the way things ended last time he saw her. But it’s not an interaction he’s keen to dwell on.  

So instead, he just wonders what she’ll be like when she sees him, reviewing the possibilities in his mind.

Will she be cold, keeping him at arm’s length?

Not likely, given what he knows about her.

At the very least, she’ll be on guard, her senses heightened.

She’ll take her cue from him.

He takes a deep breath.

It’s been driving him crazy all day, sensing her nearby, wondering, waiting…

He sits back with a sigh, shaking his head briskly, redirecting his thoughts to the only thing that can distract him.

Today was more than a success.

It was a turning point.

Petrov isn’t the only one convinced that the slaves diffused the bombs. He’s been overhearing talk all day— colonels, lieutenants, squad leaders— considering their treatment of the slaves as an investment, their best guard against this new trend of spiteful self-destruction.

He can’t wait for this kind of talk to get back to the Supremacy.

This should shut Hux up, or at least counter all his pissing and moaning about wasting resources.

He drums his fingers on the table.

Yes, today went very well.

The First Order suffered minimal casualties. The varium mines are theirs, practically untouched.

And he must admit… Rey’s team did good work. He never imagined they’d diffuse all the bombs on top of getting the slaves out unharmed.

Things seem to have gone smoothly for them. Most everyone was out of the mines by the end of the battle, and she didn’t run into trouble that affected her vitals. He’s been monitoring them closely the past few days, trying not to think about her stuck underground, surrounded by cutthroats.

She can handle herself. He just needs to keep remembering that.

He was careful to modify the protocol on her tracker, just for the day, keep it from getting picked up by troopers. He can’t have them wondering why a slave is on the First Order’s no kill/ no injury list…  

Yes, everything worked out perfectly.

He leans back in his chair, swelling with satisfaction.

This is it. The first step.

Rey’s ascending, whether she realizes it or not, ascending to the position she was meant to fill.  

A few more of these invasions and she’ll start to see, to recognize the opportunity that lies before her, all she could do with the resources of the First Order at her back.

She’ll start to see what the First Order really is, all it could become with her at his side.

He’ll need to encourage her, listen to her, get her input on improvements— how to make things smoother, faster, better.

And the more they work together, the more she gets a taste of true power��

Suddenly, his thoughts grind to a halt.

He sits up, his senses heightened.

The next instant, he shoots out of his chair, striding to his comm.

“928-C has arrived, sir.”

The announcement comes in just as he snatches the device.

“Let him in.”

He sets the comm on the counter, surging with anticipation.

He turns to the door, clasping his hands behind him.

A minute later, he hears footsteps ascending the ship, followed shortly by the loading ramp closing with a clang.

The sound of chatter wafts down the hall. As the footsteps get closer, he starts to make out the words…

“You’re kidding?” Sylas is saying.

“Nope.” Rey sounds sure of herself, as per usual. “We got out of there in less than a week, took about thirty with us.”

“No way.” He pictures Sylas shaking his head. “No one gets out of the spice mines on Kessel. No one.”

“If you don’t believe me, I’d be happy to introduce you to some of the rescues. They’ll tell you all about it.”

They stop in front of the door.

“Yeah, sure,” Sylas says wryly. “I’ll just drop by a Resistance base, let you show me around.”

“You’re welcome any time.”

Sylas grunts.

The comm crackles as he activates it.  

“This is Sylas Bonden with uh…” He pauses. “A delivery?”

Kylo shakes his head.

He leans over, pressing a panel by the console.  

The door whirs open.

Sylas snaps to attention, his arms going rigid at his sides.

“Sir,” he greets. “Permission to—”

“Granted.”

Sylas nods, then steps into the room.

Rey follows close behind, draped in a brown cloak, lowering the hood as she enters.

“I, uh…” Sylas points to Rey. “Found her.”

“I can see that,” Kylo says evenly. “Did you have any trouble?”

“No.” He shakes his head. “It was easy. We got stopped by some troopers but Rey just…” He purses his lips. “Kinda…” He squints. “Convinced them to leave us alone.” He waves a hand mysteriously.

Kylo glances at Rey.

She shrugs.

“Good.” He steps forward. “Sylas, you’re done for the day.”

“Are you sure?” He tilts his head. “Because I can still do stuff. I’m not at all tired.” He stifles a yawn as he says this.

Kylo grunts.

“Sylas.” He walks over to him. “Go to bed.” He takes his arm, ushering him to the door.

“Well…” He sighs like he’s conceding. “I guess if you’re sure you don’t need me.”

“I need you…” Kylo takes him into the hall. “To get some sleep. The bunks are yours.” He points to the front of the ship. “Be up at 0600. You’re going back to Borosk in the morning.”

“Oh, good.” Sylas blinks sleepily. “I’ve still got a lot work to do with those pirates.”

“Worry about that tomorrow.” Kylo lifts a hand to his shoulder. “Right now, just focus on getting rest.”

“Ok.” Sylas nods. “I can do that.” He smiles. “Goodnight, sir.”

“Goodnight.” Kylo moves a hand to his back, pushing him forward.  

Sylas makes his way down the hall, Kylo watching as he goes, waiting until he ducks into a room to the left.  

Then he shifts to the conference center.

Rey’s standing next the meeting table, facing the back console, her cloak and pouch draped over a chair.

Kylo walks into the room, pressing a panel on the wall.

Rey turns at the sound of the door.  

She tilts her head, studying him for a moment.

Then, a slow smile creeps across her lips.

The next instant, she lunges forward.

Kylo jerks back, barely reacting in time to catch her as she leaps into his arms, wrapping her legs around him.

She kisses him passionately, then pulls back with a huge grin, absolutely beaming.

“Was it not perfect?” She gushes. “Did everything not go exactly according to plan? Better even?”

Kylo gapes, caught off guard.

“Oh, come on!” Rey goads, dropping to the floor. “We diffused all the bombs. You have to be just slightly impressed, right?” She bounces a little, impatient for a response.

Kylo just stares, adjusting to the shock of the greeting.

Her face falls.

“Are you…?” She shifts a bit. “Are you still upset because—”

“NO,” he practically barks.

She flinches.

“Because…” She squints a little. “I’ve felt just awful since—”

“Rey.” He twitches. “Let’s just…” He takes a short breath. “Drop it. Ok?”

“Ok,” she whispers.

She presses her lips together, a little bruised.

Kylo softens.

He lifts hand to her face, grazing her cheek with the backs of his fingers.

She relaxes, a smile returning to her lips.

His fingers caress her skin, then drift to her chin, tilting it up as he descends.

He meets her with a kiss, a lingering one, reveling in the sensation, how just the touch of her sweeps everything away, like a good night’s sleep.  

He pulls back, tracing the curve of her jaw.

“You…” He drops his hand. “Did excellent work today.”

Her face lights up.

“I know!” She bounces. “I mean, it really did go exactly the way we planned.”

He smiles, slipping his hands around her waist.

Read the rest on A03!

[black-out-wonder]

Still Alive (Virgil Sanders Human!AU One-Shot)

Warnings: Talk of suicide, suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, mentions of depression and anxiety, mentions of an arugument, self-deprecation

This is basically a vent fic because I had to use the StillAlive.org crisis line the other day because it was really bad for me. It helped me and if you are in a moment of crisis, and you A. Have no one to talk to or B. Can’t or wont talk on the phone for any reason, use this chatline. Stay safe <3

Virgil’s finger froze as he stared blankly at the “Click here to chat” button on the screen. What the hell am I doing? He wondered. The browser page, Still Alive, glared at him through the darkness of his room. The webpage itself was calm and welcoming, telling him to click the button to talk to a volunteer. He found this website through his friend-or ex friend-Logan. He had described it, saying that it was meant for people who couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to people on the phone. It was meant for people who were considering suicide.

Well, you could say that he was having second thoughts about waking up the next morning.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he clicked the button, wincing at the noise of the mouse. A screen loaded, asking him to put in information. He didn’t want to put in all of this information. He didn’t want some random person to know exactly who he was. He was about to click away, giving into his urges when he noticed the “anonymous” checkbox. He released the breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

There were still some questions he needed to answer, but nothing as bad as the first option. Just asking his gender, age, who he lived with, how he found the website, etc. He hesitated before entering the information. If he put all of this in and actually connected, there would be no turning back. Before he could change his mind, he entered the chat.

A message popped up as he was brought to the chat page. They were connecting him to a volunteer. His heart began to race as a few moments passed. What if he wouldn’t get connected? What if the Wifi went out for some reason? Too many what ifs. His eyes trailed over to his dresser, where a bottle of medication sat. His sleep medication. It would be so easy…just like falling asleep…

Suddenly, a soft beep brought him out of his thoughts. “Your volunteer as entered the chat” is said now. In the corner of the screen, it said: “Alex typing” in very small letters. His heart pounded against his chest, his hands growing sweaty and shaky. What would this person say? Was this a real person? What would they say?

Alex: Hello. May I ask for your name?

It was such a simple question, one that shouldn’t have been a problem to answer. The problem was his name. Not many people had it. What if this person knew him? With shaky fingers, he typed out a reply.

Anonymous8902: you can call me V.

Alex typing…

Alex: Okay V. What brings you to Still Alive?

Another question that held way too much weight. What did bring him there exactly? Logan had explained it as a place to talk if you had nowhere else to go. He wasn’t sure if he had mentioned it because he knew Virgil was at risk. He knew that his friends-or past friends-had to suspect something, but they never knew the real extent of it.

Anonymous8902: im not really sure…i was told that this was for people who wanted to die.

The volunteer replied back very quickly.

Alex: V, have you thought about committing suicide?

His first instinct was to lie. He lied to everyone about what he wanted. He would say he was okay, even when he wasn’t. But this was different. He slowly typed his reply.

Anonymous8902: yeah

Alex typing…

Alex: Have you made a plan?

Anonymous8902: not yet. not set in stone.

He nearly had a heart attack when he sent that. Why did he send that? They were going to send the police and he couldn’t let that happen! They would send him to the hospital and ask him too many invading questions. He would have to tell them things, or he would have to lie, which made him even more anxious.

Alex typing…

Alex: So, you do not have a plan at the present time?

Anonymous8902: no

Alex: That’s good. If you would like, we can continue to chat. Your safety is most important.

Anonymous8902: its really not

Alex: It seems you feel like you don’t deserve to be safe.

It was heavy talk time, and Virgil knew it. He didn’t want to spill his heart to some stranger, but at the same time, he did. He wanted to tell this person everything wrong with him. He just wanted to get out of the haze of despair and anxiety that seemed to fill his being.

Anonymous8902: i dont deserve to feel safe. i dont even deserve to live. all i do is hurt people.

The honesty in his statement shocked him. He had never told anyone that before, not even his fr-ex friends.

Alex typing…

Alex: It seems like you feel like you don’t deserve life because you don’t offer anything but pain.

Anonymous8902: i feel that way because its true. everyone says it, so it must be

Alex: You seem to believe what others say about you more than what you think of yourself.

Virgil clenched his jaw at the message. Why did this person have to be so accurate? It would be better if this person wasn’t so spot on about everything.

Anonymous8902: yeah, sounds like me

Alex typing…

Alex: V, was there something that triggered your crisis?

He froze once more. There was a trigger, but it was his fault in the first place. If he would only get over himself, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. All of his stupid negativity and emptiness and…just everything.

Anonymous8902: yeah. i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a while ago, but i never told my friends. it was a rough day for me, but i was supposed to do something with them. i couldnt even bring myself to call them. it was really important and i skipped it. one of them called me and said that i was a horrible friend.

Alex typing…

Alex: You seem to be blaming yourself for a situation that was completely out of your control.

Anonymous8902: but it was in my control. i couldve told them about it or called and made up a valid excuse! i left them hanging and they were really hurt. this wasnt the first time either

Alex: V, I want you to know that it’s okay to ask for help and having a rough day because of your mental illness is a valid reason. Have you considered telling them about your condition?

Of course, he did. He thought about it every day when he talked to them. Then Roman would flash him a carefree grin, throwing a playful insult his way, or Patton would give him one of his warm hugs, or Logan would overshare on a subject that fascinated him, and he always threw away the idea. Things wouldn’t be the same. They would definitely treat him different like he was delicate.

Anonymous8902: yeah i have, but i dont want things to change

Alex typing…

Alex: What would change?

Anonymous8902: everything. they would see me differently. they liked me for who i am now, why would i want to change that?

Alex: Do you fear that they would turn away from you if they saw your troubles?

He nodded to himself before replying once more.

Anonymous8902: why wouldnt they?

Alex typing…

Alex: There is nothing wrong with letting someone in and talking to them. I know it must hurt to have loved ones turn away. They may be confused by the space between you guys and they are lashing out.

That did make a lot of sense. It was definitely in Roman’s character to lash out when he was confused about something. Why was this person so good at talking to him?

Anonymous8902: but how to i connect with them? i dont even know where to start

Alex typing…

Alex: You could try telling them about your condition and why you weren’t able to go where you needed to. If they are your friends, they will understand. Change is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a natural thing that allows you to grow as a person. Yes, it may seem scary now, but you will be able to look back and be glad that you took the first step.

Virgil could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He hated that this person was so spot on.

Anonymous8902: youre right…i need to tell them…thank you

Alex typing: How are you feeling now?

How was he feeling? He wasn’t feeling great still, but he didn’t seem to be at rock bottom either. He was…drifting.

Anonymous8902: better. a lot better

Alex typing…

Alex: When you disconnect from this chat, what do you plan to do?

Anonymous8902: talk to my friends. im better now. thanks again. im going to go

Alex: I’m glad you’re feeling better. Goodbye!

Anonymous8902: bye

As he exited the browser page, he let out a shuddering breath. He stared at his desktop background for a few moments, soaking in everything. He just told a random stranger his fears and insecurities, and it actually helped. He knew now what he had to do.

           He leaned over to grab his phone, dialing the first number that came to mind. He held it to his ear, praying that he would answer. That he would allow him to speak. When he does answer the phone, Virgil closes his eyes.

           “Hey, Roman. I am really sorry for not making it today. I really need to tell you something…”

[unproduciblesmackdown]

How do u feel about Eno from MonsterKind?

closes book & spins around in chair—oh! didnt see you there. well i’m glad you asked. sets down cup i was drinking from.

tldr i quietly cherish him. i figure it is not exactly his best look right now but i would be surprised if it was to turn out he is/was secretly evil & trying to work against everybody the whole time lmao…..honestly i figured that things were doomed in this way when kip said he trusts eno the most…….that can’t go unpunished. rip

but it is also an endorsement that he must’ve been top quality all this time if kip trusts him that much. i doubt its as Misguided as just being taken advantage of. no idea what the broader con here needs to further take advantage of re: kip….the fact that ppl listen to him whether he likes it or not? or that he can probably survive mad low temps? if he was assumed to die back in the day then the latter seems somewhat relevant one way or another. but i am too dumbassed to make good guesses w/little info

anyways i’m kind of assuming…that eno does sort of have suspicions or straightforward knowledge abt what happened behind the scenes, & its being confirmed just by kip saying there’s some link b/w wallace & the investigation of yore…like, i know i just said im dumb as hell & my guesses are bad, but i’d guess eno thinks that their inside info getting out elsewhere was via himself, not yumi, despite what he said. or even technically if it couldve been yumi i think he thinks it was his own fault. and its not surprising he wouldnt bring up his own suspicious abt his self involvement because like after everything went to shit & the entire project seemingly destroyed, there’s not much relevance to investigating how it happened if nobody plans to be involved. and it would be a little awkward then & now for him to tell kip he thinks he may have been involved in the downfall, even if inadvertently…hm

like……it would be nice if he had secretly developed some kind of assassin level knife throwing skills in the past years. wouldnt it always be. but honestly kip was fuckt the whole time…….nobody seems to be threatening anyone else with knives but i guess if some shadow organization that murders at whim & unhindered shows up & makes threatening demands, the implication is that anyone could be killed, even if some people get to stay alive for the moment just for the sake of pushing them to do something or other thats convenient for whatever latest death plot is underway

e.g. i’m not sure what the point is of purposefully trying to put kip on alert besides having him fall back on eno even more than he would without bringing up that specific threat

but really besides the “well i’m already resigned to someone stabbing kip in the gut while killing everyone he knows in front of him w/promises to kill everybody else too” factor of it all (im not really but—) another reason i cant be that mad is b/c i am also resigned to the fact that wallace is basically in the same kind of position eno was, of an accidental accessory to secret murder

b/c it would truly be a twist if wallace WAS actually in on it the whole time lol….but i doubt it. but the fact remains that he is definitely unwittingly a pawn of the devil!! this wouldnt be a problem if, marxism. anyways the thing is that i really, really doubt that wallace will smoothly learn of whats actually going on before anyone else knows or anyone gets fucked over and be able to gently reveal this to everyone in ways that nobody feels betrayed or breaks their trust with him. i am not even sure how that would be possible…..it is basically inevitable that wallace will have to be exposed as connected to this whole secret society of nightmares, and nobody really knows wallace well enough to be certain that he actually didnt know. and really, the fact that he Doesn’t know doesnt change the fact that he is in fact a part of it and facilitating it, even tho arguably it isnt quite his fault

tbh im assuming that the reason he’s having to do all of this is that he was willing to be transplanted from a to c, and because of that he is like totally clueless about like….everything. he presumably has no idea the kinda shit everyone around him is worrying about like all the time lol & wouldnt know not to try to push past those boundaries. but he can’t exactly be asked to do anything that much different from what he’s doing now / anything too clearly Heinous…besides maybe getting Extra Info or simply making ppl nervous, like making kip think he’s endangered.

coz t.b.h……………i’m not sure that, between kip seeing wallace as harmless and well-intended vs dangerous & ill-intended, the latter is worse? because he is a mix of the two….he doesnt mean any harm but he IS dangerous, technically. not directly thru his own actions quite as much, but still, obviously……kips first impression was basically correct lol rip. i dont think there WAS a way for kip to ever not suspect wallace as being less than purehearted, and of course i also dont think he won’t have to find out that wallace doesn’t want to hurt everybody, but at least he’s a bit on guard about all this fuckery…..even if putting him more on guard is part of some evil plot, which also means its bad…….obviously ideally everyone gets to only ever be best friends and also all be kip’s boyfriends, but i don’t think i my wishes have a tendency to come true, so maybe wait on anticipating that one. in the meantime maybe the inevitable revelation that wallace may have been a double agent will be lessened if kip was holding out for it all along lol. i guess it depends on how much more inadvertent damages wallace’s role is intended to invoke. weird sentence there but i stand by it

basically like dude!! try Knowing Shit instead of not knowing shit!! he may only be an accidental hand of the devil but that doesnt mean he’s totally not working for satan here, so hopefully when he finally realizes the extent of it, he gets to help to right the situation. presumably. idk. but how would anyone know for sure that he never knew what was going on besides trusting that he is not just an excellent actor? i suppose we are in the same situation with eno, huh. despite being given kip’s endorsement, there is only a limited picture of him & then the knowledge that he probably played a part in all the bs w/all these ppl dying. i suppose you can guess that he knew all of what was going on or he didnt or somewhere in between….

basically w/wallace and eno i am assuming that with both itmd a case of well-meaning humans being taken advantage of and accidentally infiltrating these vulnerable circles and sending back information and oh oops, atrocities, and everyone’s dead. i cant imagine that at least kip is meant to survive, and not sure why eno would feel particularly safe on that front either, and clearly any casualties that seem even vaguely necessary can just be carried out at random so you know. bless wallace’s well meaning heart that doesnt know shit but like still, if ppl get fucked over they still have the right to be mad, and if theyre dead theyre still dead, and etc, and also try to learn shit even if it was just a regular, non Agent Of Evil job.

basically what i am trying to say is that im pulling up on my motorbike and telling people that if they’re going to be mad at eno, they ought to be equally condemning of wallace, or that is just inconsistent. like, feel free to either way surely…….i can’t guess that it’d be smooth sailing for eno either if he has to awkwardly divulge that maybe he knows stuff about the whole assassination backstory.

i do wish he had those knife throwing skills for sure…..wish he wasnt being gunpointed into pressuring kip into something or other that surely will endanger him & surely others….but i get why he doesnt exactly seem to have other options at the moment lol. this guy could have assassins all over the block if whatever godforsaken conspiracy is already underway and waistdeep. smh. as i have to assume that he would only endanger kip if he was basically being given a catch 22 of Endanger Kip or Endanger Kip. i suppose he could be doing it solely so he himself won’t be assassinated, but i am personally piecing together that he and kip Are Really in fact That Close & he hasn’t like, faked caring about him this whole time or something

uhhhh tldr i think of him as basically in the same position as wallace, tho to be fair i dont think of wallace as blameless part for not knowing whats going on (like im guessing eno didnt understand until it was too late) and in part because even without the devil he IS just barging in from a in the middle of c & also pursuing audiences w extra vulnerable ppl w/o knowing fuckall (unlike eno who i am also guessing is not from a…)

and perhaps the sole answer to your question as really i was only inferring the part abt asking if eno is suspicious and dubious or not: I Am Fond Of Him Like I Said

what an essay! as all my asks turn out to be!! but i can’t help but theorize. even though i am a dumbass. this is in part because i watched mh for years, and in part because i never assume i’ll still be alive to see any particular plot point in any ongoing media i consume, so i furiously speculate and create au’s in my head and all. for example if i die before its definitely revealed kip doesnt get twenty husbands—which, good luck proving that to me anyways—can anyone tell me he doesnt? no, because i died. so he definitely does. and thats all i have to say on the matter, thank you for tuning in to Milo’s Hour Of Speculation, And Knowing Everyone Is Kip’s Boyfriend

[rtrospctve]

untitled 03.

Losing it.

Losing it. Losing it. Losing it. 

How does one describe a feeling that is so overwhelming stormy and dark and chaotic, all at once?

How does once bounce back from the ledge of insanity when there is nothing to grab onto?

How does one put together the good fragments that have been leftover after smashing your soul into smithereens time and time again? 

Where does one even start to put together where it all went wrong? Where it continues to go wrong and wrong and wrong again? Existence is exhausting. I feel like everyday I take one step forward, ten step back. I don’t ever trust a good thing that happens, because something bad always always follows it. I feel so, so isolated from everything, everyone. Slowly but surely, I’ve been left with no one, just as I rightfully deserve. I have no friends, no significant other, and not a single family member I can open myself up to. So here I am, once again, eyes bleary with tears, trying to compose together the whirlwind and pile of massive shit that lives inside my skull. I’m trying to understand my own trauma, for once, instead of trying to decipher the glorious dumpster fires that are other human beings in my life. What is my trauma? What is my problem? What haunts me and keeps me awake? Why, oh why, must I cling to the past? Why, oh fucking why, can I never let go? I’m quite scared to delve into my own mind. Trying to analyze yourself when you’re already an established overthinker is fucking terrifying. Everything is taken to the tenth power. Anxiety drowns you. Fear awaits at the end of the tunnel, waiting to grasp you by the throat and drag you down, deep into the bowels of the Darkness, where you claw and grasp at the nearest exit, hoping to God that this isn’t the return of a very somber past. 

I’m not perfect. I’m definitely, definitely, far from perfect. I have so many flaws, I’d need at least another 10 pairs of hands to count them all. I try to keep everyone around me happy. I do what I can to be the person that can live among society as a functioning thriving individual. But it feels as though in every category of my life, I fall short. My dreams, aspirations, love life, friends, family, my very fucking existence, is mediocre. It’s pathetic. And even though I’ve spent all these years with my eyes set on a degree in Psychology, it’s as though the more I understand the human mind, the more terrified I become of myself, of existence, of the entire universe around me. If I sit in silence long enough, I start to ask myself why I’m not allowed, or allowing myself, to reach greatness. Why I have all these wants and wishes and goals, yet cannot get out of bed or put forward the foot to make them happen, to execute what I see in my head. Is it really a chemical imbalance? Is it laziness? Is it genetically ingrained and I am just DESTINED to be a fucking sad loser? I’m definitely not where I was 4 years ago. I straight up wanted to die. I wanted everything and all this pain to just END. But now... now I just don’t want to exist. Is that different to not wanting to die? What’s the point of anything? What’s the point of a beating heart, of waking up the next morning, of getting up and eating breakfast and going to work and going to school and graduating and getting a career and MAYBE finding a spouse and starting a family and raising a family and buying a house and a car and going on vacations and watching those kids graduate and move out and retiring and sitting on a lake somewhere and then eventually dying? What’s the point of celebrating birthdays and weddings? WHAT. is the point. OF ANYTHING. Why. Are we here? I don’t understand. We’re on a floating rock in space. And nothing, none of what we do, means anything in the grand scheme of things. What IS the grand scheme? This is what happens in my mind. Constantly. Just thinking and rethinking over and over again. It’s fucking terrifying and daunting, and it’s why I’d rather just not exist, as I’d rather not take part in any of it. I’m just... exhausted. I’m tired of putting pieces together and trying to make them work. Maybe it’d all be easier if I wasn’t a mediocre loser, maybe then I wouldn’t find myself questioning everything, but unfortunately, that isn’t how the cards played out. So again, here I am, questioning myself, and why I feel so alone, and why I’m writing into the oblivion, once again, because I have no where to turn to. 

Since the age of 12, I’ve dealt with people walking out of my life, time and time again, with no explanation. Nothing. Just, leaving, just the universe screaming at me to get over it, and little me crying and unable to understand why the people I love can’t stay around. This isn’t something I like to explore very often, but I figure it’s time I sit down and confront this little slice of me. I’m very bad at moving on. At getting over things. At letting go. I tend to overthink, to process and cycle things over and over again in my head. I remember falling in love with my after school program advisor, and crying every day that summer because I missed him. I had never experienced such a traumatic feeling before. It was gut wrenching. It was like someone had pulled my heart out, and I couldn’t explain it to anyone. And when I managed to communicate with him once more via email, he disappeared once more. And once again, I was left in the dust, left to fend with a swarm of feelings and heartache. I spent the next 7 years of my life with an unending yarn ball of trauma. I couldn’t understand why this person who said they cared about me could walk away. That didn’t make sense in my brain. It didn’t make sense in my world. I found myself consumed with a deep and dark grief that never left my side, for years, and eventually turned into the little neat thing we call depression. I lay awake, late at night, searching for answers, searching for him. It was an unhealthy obsession that no one knew about. But I just needed to know. I just wanted answers. This never ending experience of hell is what I believe, led partially to my downfall. I let myself be consumed by a single human being, a single human being who was meant to play an insignificant role in my life, but snowballed into an eclipse who covered every critical aspect of my world. 

Fast forward years. I’ve jumped through many hurdles. I’ve overcome emotional barrier after emotional barrier. I’ve learned how to cope with really really bad feelings that don’t include slicing my wrist with a rusty razor and soaking the sheets in my own tears and choked sobs at 2 AM. Somehow, I’ve taken that singular experience, and wired my brain to approach any scenario that even slightly resembles the likes of the one I had as an adolescent the same way. I’ve talked to many men. I’ve dated men. I’ve loved them, and adored them, and worshiped them, gone to the ends of the earth if need be. But you know what? The cute thing about life is that sometimes, those people walk away. Those people call it quits, give up, once they’ve sucked every last bit of joy and pleasure out of using you, manipulating you, doing as they please. Most people grieve, suck it up, and move on. So what part of me lacks the ability to do that? Sure, I’m great at cutting off communication, and removing them from my life, all that jazz. But in my mind, those people continue to take up space, to live and breathe in the fragments of my memories. I think over and over what I could’ve possibly done better, maybe I said something wrong, maybe one day they’ll come back and realize I was still there all along. I wonder how they’re doing, if they miss me, like I miss them, if there is anything I could possibly do to bring them back into the existential reality of my life. Even years later, I still lay in bed wondering about the guy from 4 years ago who probably doesn’t even remember my name. I still hurt, and ache, and wonder, the should’ves and couldves. I still look for their name, for messages, for photos, just to relive a sliver of what once was. Worst case scenario, I even tempt myself to write them a message and say hello. But why? Why do I do that? Why do I allow myself to self destruct over someone who should only serve as a tiny, tiny portion of my memories? Why do I replay mistakes and errors over and over again? People that treated me wrongly, that said hurtful things, that wished ill upon me and disregarded my feelings many times over, none of which deserve my empathy, or even my wishful thinking late at night. I wish I could dig far enough into my own trauma to understand what has led me to the abyss that is now my mind. I wish I could just have the answers so that I no longer have to ask myself all the why’s, to ache over someone who should no longer have a residency in my heart. I wish I could do better, be better. I wish I could fix myself. I’ve tried everything in my power to give it my best shot, to let go, to empower myself. And somehow, in the process of empowering myself, of declaring my own freedom, I trap myself once more in that same cycle, never to leave. It’s just so detrimentally painful to want to be good enough, no, to be something great and powerful, and to fall far far away from that, every. single. time. Do we control our own destinies? I find myself straying further and further away from that idea everyday. Because I try, damn it. I’ve tried everyday since the day I was born. And it goes wrong every time. I just need a reset button. I just need to start over, from scratch. If I had one more chance at getting this right, I promise I wouldn’t waste it. I just want one more shot at reaching for greatness. I want to prove that I’m worthy of being here. That I’m worthy of the people that constantly walk away. That I have so much to offer, and they don’t even realize it. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe that’s what it hurts so fucking much every time--I’m just searching for approval, that I’m getting something right. And right as I think that I am, the people I swore to adore and give everything to vanish, only to leave me wallowing in my own self prophesied inadequacy. That’s what it’s always been, me searching for the approval of those around me growing up, and never finding it, constantly facing rejection from peers, teachers, family, school, boys, and even rejection from just simply fitting in and belonging, because I was never enough. So now, here I am, clamoring for the need to be enough from people who can hardly recognize the person in front of them--me. 

I need to learn that in order to find an existential meaning, in order to fulfill the gaping need for approval from those who are particularly irrelevant, in order to give myself a fighting chance to prove to MYSELF that I AM everything and more, I need to dedicate my energy to what matters, which is my own personal growth. Maybe then, I’ll be able to learn how to let go of the past, of the ghosts in the closet, to clean the cobwebs and throw out the clutter and make room for the progress I so desperately need. I don’t ever want to turn back, I don’t ever want to haunt myself with my own dead memories, with my own dead version of people who should no longer matter. I don’t want to live in the should’ves and could’ves. I want to be the person that will always be there for me, no matter what. I want to be what the people who have always walked away from me have failed to be. I don’t know how I’ll get there, but I will. I’ve overcome the shittiest of storms, the most turbulent of years, the highest of obstacles. I know, I just know, that one day, maybe not tomorrow, or next month, or next year, I will learn that the love I so desperately seek, the love I grieve over time and time again, is mine to claim, and the only one who I should ever run after is myself whenever I get lost or spiral into a sea of despair. I promise Ileana, one day, we will open the blinds, and we will let there be light--and the ghosts shall be no more. 

I promise. Keep going. 

We haven’t given up before,

and we sure as hell won’t now. 

Be the woman the little girl in you always dreamed of.

Be the hope we always wished for and ran after.

[fthisimkmsing]

My notes cause I don't need them anymore (not a hail Mary attempt)

To the girl I've spent countless hours and days with I still love you more than life itself even though I may not need you i want you in my life your cute little smile when you fuck something up or when you can't reach something and you need my help your laugh and smile is euphoric and your character as a whole is amazing i love spending every waking moment with you you have been so helpful and kind to me hell you got me through many tough times and I'm sorry I am so inactive and don't like going out much I'll try to work on that but i just wnant to hold you in my arms forever and keep you close to me and safe you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous you will make a wonderful mother one day to our children or otherwise and I envy whoever you end up choosing if it's not me there's a couple of things i want to do again with you like another concert where it feels like just you and me or another round at the fair itd be wonderful i love you Rebekah so much I hope you know that and I miss you a lot too its 2 am so im gonna go to sleep goodnight  i promise if i have anymore to say ill come back and add on sleep well my beautiful angel <3 funny thing is im typing this to make myself feel better like im talking to you even though you probably won't ever see this i pray that you will find what you need in life you mean so much to me i told my new coworker about you and how gorgeous and smart you are i really wish i could just tell you all of this but you want me to stay away  i really hope we find our happily ever after whether it be together or apart but you will always be so many of my firsts and so many of my fondest memories <3 today I told my new coworker how proud I was of you getting your car and how you bought it yourself i really miss hugging you and cuddling you and seeing your gorgeous ass self you are really amazing and i love you so much I'd die/take a bullet for you in a heartbeat but today i really came to a realization you probably won't like to hear if you get back together with me i realized that even though im a little chubby and should really work out more i am the whole package I will be a great husband and have a great future and whomever decides to come along for that ride would really enjoy it i feel so if you weren't to come back you're missing out on a guaranteed great husband and great future which yes i know confidence much maybe almost downright cocky but I'm happy with what the future holds for me and whomever decides to come with me and if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times i wish it could be you i really do cause despite my being scared of you potentially cheating I have faith and deep down i know you won't cause you are honest and real with me (unless you weren't in which case awwwkwaaarrrdd) but yeah you'd be a great mother and whoever you marry will be lucky and happy they have you and same thing for me :) you know the funniest thing anytime i text anyone and so ok i love you too your name pops up first in my next word choice box cause that's what I did i loved you hell i definitely still do and for some reason if you asked me to marry you there would be no hesitation no i need time to think just one word yes cause that's who i am and that's how head over heels i am for you i want to hug you bad hell I'd give away my paycheck to fucking see and talk to you again and make you fall in love all over again you did something no one and nothing could do you made me truly happy like true true happiness i love you so much Rebekah sleep well baby girl I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow you are the bestest ever forever <3 lol today was my first ever college football tailgate with my church college group in Greenville today was also one of those days I was sad but i wasn't at first i was fine just felt a little out of place but quickly threw myself in and i got away from everyone for a bit and checked snapchat and saw that you finally got your tattoo and I was so happy for you but sad at the same time cause I wanted to be with you maybe get one with you but sadly i missed that milestone

Im sorry for missing your first tattoo I wish i couldve been there for you and with you im so proud of you cause your tattoo couldn't be truer you are coming from nothing and making big strides that's a big accomplishment I love you hell maybe I'll get a tattoo soon you never know i saw the flirting posts that i "liked" so i unfollowed you on everything cause it hurt so much i like instantly started crying and what do they have i don't you are killing me it broke me all over again i did everything I could to make you happy i tried so hard and it feels like you're really not fighting or trying to better yourself it feels like you just want to get with someone else cause I wasn't enough for you my efforts meant nothing today a Sunday night i was with my small group and you "accidentally sent me a video of you showing off your new tattoo the day or so after i removed you from all social media since i found out unfriending doesn't make me disappear on your end so i blocked you sorry but i have to thank you for understanding and being respectful so recently I've really been going after God and it came to my attention that i was wanting you to be something you can't be and weren't designed to be aka i wanted you to satisfy me completely which is impossible only God can do that also i lusted after you so much even though i had so much love for you aswell but my lust being me using you for my benefit aka my happiness and stuff was wrong i should've been more loving aka sacrificial of myself to benefit or help you and I'm so very sorry about that i wish i couldve been a better leader for you sadly for right now at least it seems i am too late hey i just wanted to say even if we don't get back together I'm really glad i met you you were a wonderful first also you'd be proud of me i was gogogo for 17/18 hours from 4:50am to 9:53pm thats kinda insane for me lol I'm so happy today like i feel hella blessed and loved and it's not necessarily from a person i just feel so in touch with God rn i know ur probably like smh but for real im like on fire its awesome but i just wanted to let you know even though you might never see this and if you do its been a hot minute lol but it's not to hurt you it's to show you i guess my self improvement slash progression of life in general i suppose  also just wanted you to know but im sure u already do you are a really beautiful woman and I am saying that cause i can appreciate a beautiful woman you don't have priority anymore but i just wanted to let you know that god bless that was hard to explain but even that is obscure IM NOT HITTING ON YOU IM JUST APPRECIATING GOD'S CRAFTSMANSHIP BAM there we go ok so just looked at pictures of us on my phone and hot damn you fine lol (still appreciating the craftsmanship) hey its been a bit i went on a retreat with fuse and it was amazing i met a lot of guys and girls and am continuing to talk with some of the girls but the more i talk with them the more i miss talking with you i really wish we could at least be friends again but i guess not :( I'm glad I met you Rebekah you were a fantastic first girlfriend I just want you to know im not mad with you i respect your decision wholeheartedly you were great and hell I'll say it I miss you you were really fun to hang with i wish to tell you this but alas I'm here and you're nowhere to be seen in my life and I can almost guarantee you're not as affected and definitely not to the degree I am (it's not so bad for you you have to  journal your experience of life without me) part of my heart is with you and always will be because the sex we had same thing with you part of your heart will always be with me and im sorry for that today i thought about you and when you told me that you imagined us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and it kinda made me think and i was like you probably gonna come back and I hope you do but if you don't that's highly unfortunate  it's felt like months since we saw eachother last but it's only been like 1 and a half  longest month of my life tbh

Its 9/23/19 I'm gonna talk to your mom tomorrow after i get off work to check up on how everyone is doing you will probably hear a little or everything that's going on with me it may not attract you in fact it's very possible it'll repel you but hey it really doesn't matter you're an awesome girl and I'm a pretty cool dude lol if you decide to go separate ways that is your choice and I'll respect it even if it saddens me because I'm moving forward  which is something else I never thought I'd be where i am today this early but I hope you you do come back you did make my life happier but now I'm happy even without you which is awesome I swear to never rely on you for my happiness I will look more towards the Lord and walk towards him with you by my side and no more big mistakes oh btw I talked with your mom and I'm glad I did your mom is a good mom I really miss you and your family and I keep praying for you guys and for clarity of who I'm meant to be with or if im not supposed to be with you at all and last night I dreamed about you so I think that was God telling me i need to be with you but I don't know I want to be with you don't het me wrong but I don't want to misinterpret my dreams it's now 9/27/19 and it hurt me to hear you were dating someone tbh but I'm glad you are getting out there and I'm happy for you regarding how well you are doing at church what I don't think is good is that you're dating someone that doesn't know the lord he has someone for you that knows and loves him thus you shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion but as i said I just want the best for you

" we do bible shit"

[survivoremathia]

Ep. 7 - “"I Love Lies and Deceit" - Isaac”

LOGAN

IF I DONT WIN IMMUNITY IM GOING HOME KNOW THAT THATS ALL HELP PLEASE I CANT GO HOME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

OWEN

Well well well!!! Ryan B went home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Surprise surprise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :~) I threw a vote on Scott just in case Ryan, who did absolutely no campaigning whatsoever, had an idol or something from the labyr*nth. But he didn't and he's dead so! Fun!!!!!!!!! Anyways... I want to win individual immunity kind of, although I think I have a good case to get Jay out of here. Still, I don't know what Duncan will think of me if Jay DOES get shipped off, and it might be better for me if Scott goes because I've never talked to Scott and there's no relationship there? With Trevor and I on the same tribe there's always the worry someone will want to split us up but I don't see how that benefits anyone really because we'll just be a target at merge. We're like an extra fat meat shield :) use us :))))))))) anyways, none of my alliance wants to win immunity because the challenge is an unnecessarily difficult version. It worries me that we all feel cocky enough to...not try lmao afsdkhdfsjfds which makes me want to try but at the same time??? I don't want to do that it's finals week and it's too much. I just want to merge so I can fuck everyone up

LOGAN

also everyone in this game? likes me as a person? but i think ERRYONE knows im a threat and im in the bottom so i need to win. that is all. love rob. ill die for rob. 

JD

Yeah, this challenge is going to be bad... I'm much sorry

-

Jesus fuck. That sucked... I hope i never have to do anything like that again. 4 hours of my life i wont be getting back *sigh* but i saved that cute little rock from the underworld, yes i did.... I think I'll name him... He- hey! My rock just does back to the underworld... Well there goes that. *Le shrug* (sleepy Jessy is sleepy)

SCOTT

I am shocked I survived the vote. But I am confident I will most likely be voted out at the next tribal, and since the challenge is basically computer slavery. I am screwed. WELP *Prays for the merge* 

LOGAN

woooo, my death is happening!

-

IN THE GAME I MEAN IN THE GAME I PROMISEHTBDFGJNSDKMZ

TREVOR

Sam chose me to go to the labyrinth. A good ally. Maybe I will take him to the end. 

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We're voting for Jay. I kind of insisted it without discussing it which is bad but I wasn't in the mood. 

It's either gonna tie with Scott or be 4-3-1 as I'm gonna try and get Scott to vote for Owen if he comes online. If it does tie we will vote Jay on the revote so it's fine. I have Lydia's 20% challenge advantage because I'm not allowed to give it back to her. Oh well. I'm sure we're swapping or merging after this.

SAM

https://youtu.be/ZNx-K60v4BU

ROB

Literally the only person who I did not to win. Fuck I think I couldve done it. Lazy ass. I'm definitely in danger once more. 

SAM

MORE CONFESSIONS yeah i'm pretty nervous about tribal tonight. i'm afraid that one of the newbies is going to get voted out, so i might have to appeal to duncan that the newbies are on his side. or that i can get them to be on his side because i think they might be down to vote for him. they're concerned with mending fences and they believe that duncan might not help them but LIKE LOOK DUNCAN WILL PLAY WITH ME AT MERGE AND MATT SUMMERS ISN'T CALLED MATT FUCKING SUMMERS FOR NOT REASON so i'll have to check in on everyone later today and make sure their heads are in the right spot. that's all. at least it isn't me.

SCOTT

This song goes to my tribe if they vote me out (Verse) Wrap it up, I said I don't have time I guess you're outta luck, but I'm doin' fine Give it up, you don't wanna act like you care And I don't want a house full of her hair (Pre-Chorus) (And you said) Literally, babe Are ya gonna give up so easily? I thought I meant more I thought you was stronger... (And you said) Literally, babe I've been stressing about us all day, well Guess you bit off more than you can chew I've got li-te-ra-lly nothing to say to you (Chorus) You wanna play me till I kick you out You wanna call me when you're feeling down Beggin' on your knees, BITCH PLEASE! And when I finally let you bring me close You wanna promise me you'll never go Then you wanna leave, BITCH PLEASE! (Interlude) Don't text me, you're pathetic, BITCH PLEASE! This is the only way you'll hear from me, HA! Don't text me, you're pathetic, BITCH PLEASE! This is the only way you'll hear from me, HA! (Verse 2) Listen up, you don't get a goodbye You don't get another shot to make me everything I'm not I'm a girl on fire, I'm a girl who dreams And you're a boy who needs to stay the hell away from me (Pre-Chorus) (And you said) Literally, babe Are ya gonna give up so easily? I thought I meant more I thought you was stronger... (And you said) Literally, babe I've been stressing about us all day, well Guess you bit off more than you can chew I've got li-te-ra-lly nothing to say to you (Chorus) You wanna play me till I kick you out You wanna call me when you're feeling down Beggin' on your knees, BITCH PLEASE! And when I finally let you bring me close You wanna promise me you'll never go Then you wanna leave, BITCH PLEASE! (Bridge) And it hit me like a ton of bricks Like a ton of your ugly hats When I was broken, when I was lonely When I was reachin' out for your hand That the sun could go down My shadow and taunts, there's no-one around, I swear We're as lonely as with you there (He's not gonna get that...) (Whatever!) (Chorus) You wanna play me till I kick you out You wanna call me when you're feeling down Beggin' on your knees, BITCH PLEASE! And when I finally let you bring me close You wanna promise me you'll never go Then you wanna leave, BITCH PLEASE! (Interlude) Don't text me, you're pathetic, BITCH PLEASE! This is the only way you'll hear from me, HA! Don't text me, you're pathetic, BITCH PLEASE! This is the only way you'll hear from me, HA!

MATTEW

So...double tribal. Yikes! I feel like I'm in a pretty good spot at this point. I have an alliance with people that I don't think have any reason to flip, but the only troubling thing is the fact that there could potentially be a boatload of rewards and items out there just waiting to get played. Hopefully my alliance is the only one who has gained access to Room 5, but there's always that uncertainty about the Labyrinth that's super scary. We could easily try to play it safe and blindside someone again, but now's not the time for paranoia. I've been thinking a lot about numbers come merge and I'm starting to realize that Trevor is probably at the center of the dynamics of the other tribe. He has Owen and Lydia that he's really close with, who each have people that can branch off to form a majority. I want to trust Ryan when merge comes, but we've been apart for so long at this point that I can't be certain where he his loyalties lie until we can meet back up and talk game again. My point is, there's a lot of uncertainties that could lead to me being in the minority come merge so my focus for the next few rounds is to keep as many people happy with me as possible. I mended bridges with Logan a bit and we've had some pretty solid game talks, so hopefully they're being honest about being willing to let Rob go and they're not just trying to screw me over. I'm going to have to start talking with Duncan again, because there's a lot of uncertainty and distrust between us and if we're going to be able to form a majority at merge, we're going to have to patch things up and look forward. Still, preparing to get #snatched at tribal council tonight.

JD

What kind of evil was that! Escape from hell???? Na man, i think I'll just stay there next time... I mean i saved the rock though! That rock... That will help me do absolutely nothing. By God. 

Okay seriously though, i have control issues. I get that, i know that and I'll embrace my faults. I also think it's one of the reasons why I'm so worried about this tribal. I've had class all day and i haven't been able to really talk to people the way that i want to. I can't get a read on the other three to know if they are really going to stay with us or if they are just planing something with some items. The only thing that I'm not worried about is the idol, maybe that means I'm putting too much trust in Sam but i did save his ass last time we were in tribal. And yes I'm taking all the credit for it because even with Ali's extra vote, my tribe wanted to vote for Robby and i believe that i changed their minds. I saved Sam. Sam best not be fucking with me. Right so last night me and Sam talked in length about what he wanted to do in this game. He told me that Duncan gave him the idol. Something about after you use it you have to give it to someone else. So if he's telling me the truth, and i really think he is, he has the idol. He also wanted to know if i had  any connections with anyone on the other side .... I mean yes! The other half of my final four is over there... I didn't tell him THAT though. I told him that when Trevor came over we talked but mostly about being old... Which was not a lie. That was the first thing we talked about, and being Canadian. Me and Ali liked him enough and checked with Lydia about bring him in with us and i hope that they really have been able to work out their differences Because here is my set up. Final 2 - me and Ali (we can't take a vet with us, that's just asking to lose) Final 4 - me, Ali, Lydia, Trevor (idk what our name is anymore but i really liked when we gave ourselves seasons so I'm going with 4 seasons right now) Final 5 - 4 seasons and Sam because i still think Sam owes me and i plan to collect on that at some point. Final 8 - Owen, Matt, Isaac. And if the 8 of us can get together straight out of the merge, if that happens after tribal, then there would be 12 players in the game. We have more then majority and we get ride of a couple people before shit hurts the fan I'm sure. At 10 it might get bloody cus everyone is going to have their own groups that they want to go to the end with. Right so that all came from mine and Sam's conversation was that he wants to work with Trevor and Owen, because they are a power couple and he thinks they would be targeted before any of use. Which would be truth if Trevor wasn't in my main alliance. All this could go to shit tonight. Any four of us could get voted out or Lydia and Trevor might have decided to leave me and Ali behind. We'll see. About to vote and I'm such a control freak that I'm trying to figure out how to be more involved. Like lying to Logan and telling them to vote for Matt or Sam to see if we can trust her. But... There so much bad that could happen. God I'm going home tonight -_-' 

ROB

If you're not going to stay loyal to me then you can't expect me to stay loyal to you. I'm doing whatever it takes to stay alive in this game, even if it means turning my back on the people I was close to. JD*sigh* i thought this tribal was set. I hate scrambling ready 

ALI

This tribal is awful :( Rob is the general consensus, and I'm being especially nice for two reasons. A) Because I feel really bad B) Because I don't want him to play an idol and for his one vote to vote me out. I wanted to work with him, but that core Olympus 3 was just too tight grr. I wish we could vote off Duncan, he is kinda shifty and I'm still put off by him lying to me... Next time... Also, whoever invented that challenge can CATCH THESE HANDS. It was awful. Also, Scott is probably going tonight, which'll make me one of two newbies left and the only Brit. If Rob goes also, I think I become the youngest person, the only Brit and one of two newbies.... I'm going into extinction.

ISAAC

I love lies and deceit. All of a sudden I'm shook about Trevor keeping me out of the loop™ So me, myself, and I and my petty ass are going to be ugly™