fthisimkmsing

[fthisimkmsing]

Tonight I sliced my thumb at work it didn't hurt in fact it was nice because I was very depressed then I stopped thinking about all the bad things and just thought about the cut but on my way home it made me think of how fake upset or genuine concern you would show if we were together still like that time I cut myself because you didn't want to visit me or something like that tbh despite all the stuff I've posted recently I still sadly love you and miss you it really is unfortunate how undying loyalty works too bad you weren't the same about me cause we had something special that could've lasted a lifetime but in stead you pursued the temporary

I'm going say it because brain big dumb

I love you Rebekah I really do I hope your excursion is satisfying and enough for you unlike me apparently

[fthisimkmsing]

Bars

You said you loved me

But is that true

You said you love me

But you left me too

As my grandfather lie in his grave

And my birthday comes about

You leave me and you say this we can't surmount

I beg and plead for you to recount

But instead you proceed to remount

You replace me so quickly

I loved you so dearly

But you couldn't see clearly

Now your soul looks so sickly

And I feel like nothing can fix me

Now you treat me so stiffly so quickly

It's sickening

To think of all the times we had

Some good

Some bad

But now were through

One day I thought we were the crew

Just me in our bed right next to you

But now I'm here singing a different tune

Cause you threw that life away like fucking Babe Ruth

[fthisimkmsing]

I'm tired of this God I really am frustrated I try and try to seek you and to remain in your will but I still remain with questions why would she leave me is it because of me is it because of her I really don't know and honestly I don't want to keep loving her and keep missing her she made her decision she premeditated the whole breakup and now I'm left with no one to give my love to or to feel loved by everyone says You will fill that hole but I don't feel filled I feel like I lost someone very precious to me and now I don't feel like I was ever precious to her and now I see her partying and "living it up" and on top of that she's already replaced me but that relationship and lifestyle won't last she knows that and I know that so why God why did she leave when I feel I needed her the most to support me and love me

I know this is a lot and I know it's dumb I know I won't be full if I keep seeking things of this world and I especially won't be filled by the facade that girls calls love cause I'm to full of everything that makes me whole to ever be loved in halves so Lord I beg and plead help me to feel your love and be filled by it and Lord in your time send me a wife that loves me for me and will not leave just cause the going gets tough I pray that they will be a strong smart beautiful and faithful woman of God that she wouldn't be a pretender but fully seeking you as I

I'm sorry God for the things I've done and the things I continue to do I pray that you will close all doors that need to be closed and open the doors that need to be opened and lastly I pray for her the girl I somehow continue to love I pray that her pain from the coming storm would be comforted by you that she would stop pursuing youthful passions Lord but that she would fully pursue you and life a long happy life and that her blessings that you have for her would not be withheld when she turns back

Amen

Rebekah there's a storm coming and I'm not wishing it upon you but whether you like it or not it's going to hit I wish you the best in your struggles and pain I pray you will come out on the other side changed as I

Love,

Brett

[fthisimkmsing]

"Progression is movement in the right direction"

- Steven Furtick

[fthisimkmsing]

Sometimes it's good to think about life, and other times it's terrible. It all depends what you think about for what you seek you will find. If you look for negatives it will come surely as the sun rises. Likewise if you look for positives you will find those. Sadly I'm in an odd state my happiest memories were with this girl that I used to know. Her name was Rebekah and no she wasn't one of the ugly one's (Rebekah/Rebecca's). This girl was so beautiful, kind, and smart. Did I forget to mention she was an absolute master in the kitchen. She brightened all of my days and she was truly something else. One of my happiest memories with her was when we were in the car together and we were just talking. I was crying, no suprise there, and she proceeded to tell me the most beautiful, kind, and amazing thing anyone has ever told me. "Brett I can't imagine life without you and sometimes I have day dreams of you and me at home on the porch in our rocking chairs together." That statement gave me the most pure joy I've ever experienced my sad crying turned into tears of joy immediately. I was so happy I probably smiled the rest of the day. Sadly that dream must have died or she wondered if the grass was greener. Now it's close to Thanksgiving and Christmas and I will be without a woman to truly love. On the other hand she will not be without a boy I would say a man if he appeared to be so. Through the pain I'm learning patience, and self control. I wish to be with someone but God is doing work in me that can't be finished in a relationship so I have to wait and suffer well. I've learned so much through this hurt but I can tell I have only just begun to learn. God is making me a new being entirely from these lessons. I pray that the Lord will lead me closer to him firstly then to my future spouse whomever that may be but we shall see how it goes. For now I must take it step by step and day by day. I miss Rebekah I really do maybe God will bring her back to me but if not that's the Lord's will and it wasn't meant to be. All I know is she means alot to me even after she's left but now God means more which is the way it was meant to be since the beginning.

[fthisimkmsing]

It's that day

Hey it's that day your birthday November the 13th. I am so excited for you you're getting old like me lol. I wish you the happiest of birthdays I want only the best for you Rebekah. I hope you know I didn't want to block you but I had to for my health. Today I cried cause I love and miss you and even now I'm tearing up just from saying that. I hope you'll forgive me for not telling you happy birthday or telling your mom to tell you. However if I would've told your mom I would've broken my promise to you that I wouldn't contact her anymore so I didn't. Rebekah Sue Dearien Carrillo happy 19th birthday beautiful I pray this year will be your best year ever.

Love,

-Brett

[fthisimkmsing]

The memory

Today I relived a memory

One of you and me

As a family

That day we lay with such ease

Then you say

Hey pizza please

I oblige

And we head out for pie

Little did I know I'd get a job offer to drive

And that day we celebrated as we lie

- Love, the one who is progressing

[fthisimkmsing]

Is it too late?

I am here in my bed laying down watching plenty of videos, bored out of my mind. I've been thinking more and more about her. However she left me, she planned this and she decided to be with the other guy instead of me. Long story short I'm not sure I should be with her anymore. The life she lives, the image of her is corrupted in my mind. I do love her I'm not sure I love who she's becoming. Is it too late? Will we be together again? Will we marry eachother? I have no idea but Lord if she is meant for me bring her back. If not keep her far away Lord that I wouldn't think about her anymore. In hopes that I would fully focus on you and not be distracted. Lord I feel like she is meant for me but I don't want to be led astray by my heart. The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9) Please Lord give me wisdom and discernment that I would know who and what you intend for me. I also pray for her that if she was meant for me that you would bring her back mightly so she would die to herself and live for you Lord. I thank you Lord for everything you have given me and everything you have taken from me and I know you are planning something big. In Jesus name, amen.

[fthisimkmsing]

"Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us."

Charles Spurgeon

[fthisimkmsing]

Color

I don't know what I'm thinking it's an array of many colors and one saying that I remember is that love is when you finally see life in color. Personally I think that's true because I see them so vividly the people in my life now bring so much color. People in my past brought color too but sadly they've gone gray. Whether it was from distance, time away or just a decision. I love people and I'm getting used to this whole socializing thing and have started to be quite the extrovert which I enjoy. God is doing great things in my life and I feel called to lead whether that be in worship, in small group or just in daily life. One thing to remember is He doesn't call the qualified He qualifies the called which I really love. I don't know what this is but it's just my thoughts thrown into a digital format and I'm going with it. Cause I don't know I just felt like it never hurt anyone so why not. I'm happy that everything that happened happened cause I wouldn't be a part of this amazing Godly community. Life is difficult sometimes but God never said it'd be easy he said that there would be trials and tribulations. These past couple of months have been long and full of tears and pain but they've also been the most life changing months in my entire life. It's gone from a young man that was 170-187 lbs to a young man that is 159 lbs. It's gone from a guy wandering when he would kill himself to a guy that looks in the mirror every morning with confidence and say you are one handsome man. From a boy who only sought heaven to a man the seeks after God fervently. I put a girl in the place of God before all of this and I wanted her fulfill me completely but she wasn't designed to do that and for that I apologize. I've learned so much and I hope to only learn more about how I can be a light to others and a true man of God. Wow I never thought I'd be saying all this. I'd laugh a couple months ago if someone told me pray about it if I was going through a hard time. However now I'm seeing life in color and I actually do pray about it. I'm excited to see what God has for me and Lord willing, who he has for me but for right now I don't need her I need more of Him so I will be able to lead as a Husband.

(I really don't know what this is but it's just my thoughts and they are all true so yeah)

This was initially titled hmm cause I was thinking of typing my thoughts but didn't know what I was thinking cause there were so many thoughts running through my head.

[fthisimkmsing]

Brother

Brother you hurt as I

You laugh and cry

You even want to die

But I tell you my brother

That it's not right to kill yourself for another

Even when it's hard to see that there are others

And maybe you shouldn't pursue another just yet

I know you are hurt but do not fret

You are loved by one that you don't even believe

I know you loved her but you must show her reprieve

Even though she broke your heart there is relief

Though it will take many a night

Don't have any fright

For there is a light

(To my coworker/brother from UPCC)

Love you brother

[fthisimkmsing]

My actual notes on my worst day laying in bed and crying (not to guilt trip but to show you my honest unfiltered thoughts)

Why didn't we talk it out why can't we why won't you talk to me why are you AFRAID if we see eachother we'll get back together how is that an issue doesn't that mean you like me or even better love me these are the things that bother/hurt me the most I treated you the best i could how did you get bored or not have as much love as me why are you scared of commitment the marriage stuff was a joke i would wait but i guess now we can't even talk as friends which really fucking sucks i gave you everything I'm sorry I like cuddling with you in bed more than going to do something random and spend money i fucking hate life why am I so fat and dumb i just wanted to make you happy and have you for the rest of my life and i fucked that up too life is a struggle i thought we were ok but you dropped a big fuck you out of nowhere

[fthisimkmsing]

My notes cause I don't need them anymore (not a hail Mary attempt)

To the girl I've spent countless hours and days with I still love you more than life itself even though I may not need you i want you in my life your cute little smile when you fuck something up or when you can't reach something and you need my help your laugh and smile is euphoric and your character as a whole is amazing i love spending every waking moment with you you have been so helpful and kind to me hell you got me through many tough times and I'm sorry I am so inactive and don't like going out much I'll try to work on that but i just wnant to hold you in my arms forever and keep you close to me and safe you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous you will make a wonderful mother one day to our children or otherwise and I envy whoever you end up choosing if it's not me there's a couple of things i want to do again with you like another concert where it feels like just you and me or another round at the fair itd be wonderful i love you Rebekah so much I hope you know that and I miss you a lot too its 2 am so im gonna go to sleep goodnight  i promise if i have anymore to say ill come back and add on sleep well my beautiful angel <3 funny thing is im typing this to make myself feel better like im talking to you even though you probably won't ever see this i pray that you will find what you need in life you mean so much to me i told my new coworker about you and how gorgeous and smart you are i really wish i could just tell you all of this but you want me to stay away  i really hope we find our happily ever after whether it be together or apart but you will always be so many of my firsts and so many of my fondest memories <3 today I told my new coworker how proud I was of you getting your car and how you bought it yourself i really miss hugging you and cuddling you and seeing your gorgeous ass self you are really amazing and i love you so much I'd die/take a bullet for you in a heartbeat but today i really came to a realization you probably won't like to hear if you get back together with me i realized that even though im a little chubby and should really work out more i am the whole package I will be a great husband and have a great future and whomever decides to come along for that ride would really enjoy it i feel so if you weren't to come back you're missing out on a guaranteed great husband and great future which yes i know confidence much maybe almost downright cocky but I'm happy with what the future holds for me and whomever decides to come with me and if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times i wish it could be you i really do cause despite my being scared of you potentially cheating I have faith and deep down i know you won't cause you are honest and real with me (unless you weren't in which case awwwkwaaarrrdd) but yeah you'd be a great mother and whoever you marry will be lucky and happy they have you and same thing for me :) you know the funniest thing anytime i text anyone and so ok i love you too your name pops up first in my next word choice box cause that's what I did i loved you hell i definitely still do and for some reason if you asked me to marry you there would be no hesitation no i need time to think just one word yes cause that's who i am and that's how head over heels i am for you i want to hug you bad hell I'd give away my paycheck to fucking see and talk to you again and make you fall in love all over again you did something no one and nothing could do you made me truly happy like true true happiness i love you so much Rebekah sleep well baby girl I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow you are the bestest ever forever <3 lol today was my first ever college football tailgate with my church college group in Greenville today was also one of those days I was sad but i wasn't at first i was fine just felt a little out of place but quickly threw myself in and i got away from everyone for a bit and checked snapchat and saw that you finally got your tattoo and I was so happy for you but sad at the same time cause I wanted to be with you maybe get one with you but sadly i missed that milestone

Im sorry for missing your first tattoo I wish i couldve been there for you and with you im so proud of you cause your tattoo couldn't be truer you are coming from nothing and making big strides that's a big accomplishment I love you hell maybe I'll get a tattoo soon you never know i saw the flirting posts that i "liked" so i unfollowed you on everything cause it hurt so much i like instantly started crying and what do they have i don't you are killing me it broke me all over again i did everything I could to make you happy i tried so hard and it feels like you're really not fighting or trying to better yourself it feels like you just want to get with someone else cause I wasn't enough for you my efforts meant nothing today a Sunday night i was with my small group and you "accidentally sent me a video of you showing off your new tattoo the day or so after i removed you from all social media since i found out unfriending doesn't make me disappear on your end so i blocked you sorry but i have to thank you for understanding and being respectful so recently I've really been going after God and it came to my attention that i was wanting you to be something you can't be and weren't designed to be aka i wanted you to satisfy me completely which is impossible only God can do that also i lusted after you so much even though i had so much love for you aswell but my lust being me using you for my benefit aka my happiness and stuff was wrong i should've been more loving aka sacrificial of myself to benefit or help you and I'm so very sorry about that i wish i couldve been a better leader for you sadly for right now at least it seems i am too late hey i just wanted to say even if we don't get back together I'm really glad i met you you were a wonderful first also you'd be proud of me i was gogogo for 17/18 hours from 4:50am to 9:53pm thats kinda insane for me lol I'm so happy today like i feel hella blessed and loved and it's not necessarily from a person i just feel so in touch with God rn i know ur probably like smh but for real im like on fire its awesome but i just wanted to let you know even though you might never see this and if you do its been a hot minute lol but it's not to hurt you it's to show you i guess my self improvement slash progression of life in general i suppose  also just wanted you to know but im sure u already do you are a really beautiful woman and I am saying that cause i can appreciate a beautiful woman you don't have priority anymore but i just wanted to let you know that god bless that was hard to explain but even that is obscure IM NOT HITTING ON YOU IM JUST APPRECIATING GOD'S CRAFTSMANSHIP BAM there we go ok so just looked at pictures of us on my phone and hot damn you fine lol (still appreciating the craftsmanship) hey its been a bit i went on a retreat with fuse and it was amazing i met a lot of guys and girls and am continuing to talk with some of the girls but the more i talk with them the more i miss talking with you i really wish we could at least be friends again but i guess not :( I'm glad I met you Rebekah you were a fantastic first girlfriend I just want you to know im not mad with you i respect your decision wholeheartedly you were great and hell I'll say it I miss you you were really fun to hang with i wish to tell you this but alas I'm here and you're nowhere to be seen in my life and I can almost guarantee you're not as affected and definitely not to the degree I am (it's not so bad for you you have to  journal your experience of life without me) part of my heart is with you and always will be because the sex we had same thing with you part of your heart will always be with me and im sorry for that today i thought about you and when you told me that you imagined us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and it kinda made me think and i was like you probably gonna come back and I hope you do but if you don't that's highly unfortunate  it's felt like months since we saw eachother last but it's only been like 1 and a half  longest month of my life tbh

Its 9/23/19 I'm gonna talk to your mom tomorrow after i get off work to check up on how everyone is doing you will probably hear a little or everything that's going on with me it may not attract you in fact it's very possible it'll repel you but hey it really doesn't matter you're an awesome girl and I'm a pretty cool dude lol if you decide to go separate ways that is your choice and I'll respect it even if it saddens me because I'm moving forward  which is something else I never thought I'd be where i am today this early but I hope you you do come back you did make my life happier but now I'm happy even without you which is awesome I swear to never rely on you for my happiness I will look more towards the Lord and walk towards him with you by my side and no more big mistakes oh btw I talked with your mom and I'm glad I did your mom is a good mom I really miss you and your family and I keep praying for you guys and for clarity of who I'm meant to be with or if im not supposed to be with you at all and last night I dreamed about you so I think that was God telling me i need to be with you but I don't know I want to be with you don't het me wrong but I don't want to misinterpret my dreams it's now 9/27/19 and it hurt me to hear you were dating someone tbh but I'm glad you are getting out there and I'm happy for you regarding how well you are doing at church what I don't think is good is that you're dating someone that doesn't know the lord he has someone for you that knows and loves him thus you shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion but as i said I just want the best for you

" we do bible shit"

[fthisimkmsing]

The aftermath

I read your poem now I can't sleep it's 4 AM I get up for work at 5. I'm sorry to bother you I'm sorry to apparently "love" you. I'm sorry that you mean a lot to me and I'm trying to look out for you. I promise I wasn't trying to be controlling. I was just try to light up a path not necessarily leading to me but leading you away from that guy. I'm not angry with you sure maybe a little hurt cause you said I'm obsessed but hey if I'm honest with myself maybe I am. In my eyes I do love you Rebekah so I hope you have a good journey going forward. I hope you find many friends you can rely on the rest of your life and I hope you can pursue God and not the world. Lastly I hope you find a good husband that treats you right and is a loyal man of God. This is everything I feel right now after reading the poem. So as I said in the comments anytime you need to talk or something you know my number by heart by now cause you're like that lol. I'll leave you alone now sorry for that stuff. However I'm not sorry we talked that was good for both of us I think. As for me "and my gorgeous face" I'll see you later maybe and if I don't 🤷‍♂️ darn shame really. Goodbye

I really was just trying to help

(Not a poem but)- to the one that I won't forget

You'll always have a special place in my heart no matter what you say or do

[fthisimkmsing]

Yet another to you

To you who I wish to be with.

To you who I wish I could lead with.

The world is dangerous and scary.

But you don't have to be so weary.

For the Lord of all will guard you.

Neigh He will not leave you marred.

You are the woman that leaves me in awe.

You are the woman I wish to be my mother's daughter-in-law.

In the past I lusted for you.

Now I wish to be trusted by you.

My love for you is as Christ loves the church.

You are the one I would never dare to besmirch.

For the nights and days grow longer the less I'm by your side.

And yet you still see fit to leave and hide.

I'm glad you are living well.

But never forget there is still a hell.

(2Corinthians 6:14) be ye not unequally yoked.

I wish for you to be with a man uncloaked.(about his faith)

I love you Rebekah I wish for this one not to be painful to read.

For this one I hope you heed. <3 😙

(I'm sorry I can't help myself it's that bad I know I'm not helping but its how I'm coping)

[fthisimkmsing]

"We do bible shit"

- the one I love

[fthisimkmsing]

Two and a half years

The day has come where my first love has become my first loss presumably my life with that amazing girl possibly ended my happiness with her was like something out of a fairytale my love for her even more than any romantic book you could imagine I'm writing this cause I can't sleep cause of her i miss her so much and i need to let it out no one will see this and no one will care but it'll help me sleep cause I'll get it off my chest love is amazing but it sucks too however in my case and i gave it thought the good outweighed the bad in fact it had gotten better or so i thought after she left me she said "I have been out for a long time" well guess i was right i was just a steady supply of sex or something but i don't care what she said to me it's only been a few days but its felt like weeks i want her back more than anything in the world i miss her more than Ive ever missed anyone or anything i would give whatever was needed to see that smile to hear that voice or that dumb baby voice when she says or does something silly or just one last hug all of my decisions now and conversations and day to day life is weighed down by one thing and that's her one weekend were in bed talking about my ring and when id get you one the next you're saying we need to split maybe for a bit or maybe forever if someone actually reads this somehow i can't tell her this cause she'll blow it off like its nothing love is difficult but im praying this one will work hey if you're that girl and actually read this i love you more than anything in the world and that's the simple truth and to answer your question yes there were tears but you know me im a big cuddly emotional bear goodnight