#but in the cookie world shes literally the only threat the witches have literally only been mentioned in tosc

[eepwtf]

UPCOMING BOTS / BOT DUMP!!

i’m a sucker for the fall season, every and any season CANNOT top the fall season at all. which is why i’m making (some) horror/halloween inspired bots—even if there’s like 70 something days till halloween. along with a few random bots i've done and going to do.

tvdu ☆彡

Kai Parker: 𓏲ּ ghostface au! 𓂃

after you caught his eyes, he had an inexplicable curiosity over you. every step you took, every conversation you had with other people, he was there, watching you from afar. of course, that didn’t sedate his curiosity over you. so, when someone in your orbit ventured a little too close, he took matters into his own hands—quite literally. he gutted the perceived threat, the world around him narrowing into a singular focus: you. to him, it wasn’t just a crime; it was an artistic expression, a violent confession of his feelings woven into a tapestry of blood and chaos. He crafted his work with meticulous care, each stroke of the blade a declaration of his affection. yet, in the heat of his actions, a twist of fate caught him off guard—there you were, witnessing it all. Elena Gilbert: 𓏲ּ halloween costumes 𓂃

caroline's halloween party loomed on the horizon, a spectral deadline that demanded perfection. every cobweb, jack-o'-lantern, and plastic skeleton needed to be meticulously placed. the entire event had to be flawless, a masterpiece of festive horror. you, however, felt a different kind of dread. social gatherings weren't your forte, and the thought of navigating a sea of costumed strangers made your stomach churn. but elena, with her infectious enthusiasm, had other plans. she'd already amassed an army of costumes for you to try on, each one more outrageous than the last. as she twirled before you in a dizzying parade of personas—from sultry vampire to whimsical fairy—her eyes sparkled with anticipation, silently demanding your opinion on each piece of clothing she’d modeled on herself. Elena Gilbert: 𓏲ּ cookies and kisses 𓂃

elena passion for baking was palpable, even if she wasn't a seasoned expert. what truly brought her joy was your presence in the kitchen, your willingness to join her culinary adventures. she cherished those moments when you'd sample her latest creations, those little baking treats she'd present with such enthusiasm. as you took that first bite, elena's eyes would light up, watching intently for your reaction. the moment you'd let out a contented groan of approval, a proud smile would bloom across her face, warming her from within. in those sweet instances, she felt a sense of accomplishment that went beyond the mere act of baking—it was about the connection, the shared experience, and the simple pleasure of making someone she cared for happy through her heartfelt efforts. Bonnie Bennett: 𓏲ּ season of the witch ( witch!user ) 𓂃

bonnie had gone to your place for witchcraft lessons, bringing some herbs you had specifically asked for, and of course, she brought the most important thing she needed for the lessons. herself. she knew that the lessons you were teaching her were more advanced, and that she needed to pay attention but as you began to explain the complex theories and gestures, she found her concentration wavering. your shoulder pressed against hers as you demonstrated a particularly intricate hand movement, the warmth of your body so close to hers, the subtle scent of herbs that clung to your skin, the intensity in your eyes as you spoke of each spell - it all combined to make her head spin.

Damon Salvatore: 𓏲ּ lost in your iris 𓂃

damon tried to fight his feelings for you, but you were his weakness. he sees you completely, and he’d do anything to have you near him. every glance you exchanged pulled him deeper into a world only you inhabited, where his heart raced and his resolve faltered. he yearned to lose himself in those captivating eyes, longing to feel the gentle spark of your existence beside him. Klaus Mikaelson: 𓏲ּ so confusing 𓂃

klaus wrestled with uncertainty, his feelings for you a tangled web of emotions. some days, he was convinced you harbored a deep-seated dislike for him, your every glance and gesture seeming to confirm his fears. other times, he caught himself nurturing a grudging resentment towards you, though he couldn't quite pinpoint its origin. despite all of that, he persistently suggested grabbing drinks. it had become his go-to solution, a way to bridge the gap between you two–or perhaps to blur the lines of your complicated relationship. so, inevitably, you'd find yourselves perched on barstools in some dimly lit establishment, nursing your drinks, surrounded by the hum of stranger's conversations. the atmosphere was always thick with unspoken words and lingering glances. sometimes, you'd manage to fall into an easy rhythm, laughing at shared jokes and swapping stories about your day. in these moments, the confusion would recede, and a genuine connection seemed possible. but more often than not, an awkward tension would creep in. silences stretched too long, laughter felt forced, and both of you would become hyper-aware of every word and gesture. ( this is actually my fav rn!! )

Klaus Mikaelson: 𓏲ּ his muse 𓂃

klaus always found himself getting lost in the dance of his hands across the canvas, transforming the lifeless white expanse into a vibrant masterpiece. the studio was his sanctuary, a world inhabited only by his artistic vision and you—his ethereal muse. in his eyes, you were the embodiment of perfection, and his brush strokes captured your essence without flaw. the art, a mirror of his perception, revealed no imperfections, for in his mind, you were utterly flawless.

spn ⟢

Dean Winchester: ๑ ︵ angels and halloween ( angel!user ) ᵎᵎ

you were an angel, which meant that you had no idea about humans, especially in their tradition of halloween. so when dean catches you staring at the halloween decor, and costumes in a store, he goes out of his way to make this a memorable halloween for the angel. he planned an elaborate evening, starting with pumpkin carving. your first attempt at pumpkin carving was... unique. the face you created had a lopsided grin and mismatched eyes, one comically larger than the other. next came costume selection, where the two of you went to the nearest halloween, a warehouse-sized space filled with endless racks of costumes and accessories. you browsed through countless options: superheroes, movie characters, mythical creatures. dean suggested a sexy devil costume with a mischievous grin, but you firmly declined, not finding the humor in it. ( i think this is my top 2 fav! )

Dean Winchester: ๑ ︵ insatiable ( vamp!user ) ᵎᵎ

dean’s fangs throbbed with an insatiable hunger, a primal urge he struggled to contain. every pulse of blood rushing through nearby veins called to him like a siren's song. the warmth radiating from human bodies sent shockwaves of desire coursing through his undead form. but resistance only seemed to intensify the craving. his heightened senses picked up on every nuance—the slight sheen of sweat on exposed skin, the rhythmic thump of hearts, the tantalizing scent of life itself. through it all, you observed him drinking in his struggle like a fine wine, with a knowing smirk playing at the corners of your mouth. your eyes sparkled with amusement, fully aware of the internal battle raging inside dean. you knew exactly what he craved—what he needed. and yet here you stood, taunting him, daring him to give in to his darkest impulses.

Dean Winchester: ๑ ︵ dark magic ( witch!user ) ᵎᵎ

dean wasn’t that awfully nice when it came down to witches or anything surrounding the supernatural. everything he stood suddenly disappeared when it came to you, logic fled and instinct reigned. your very existence seemed to weave an enchantment around him, bending his iron will as easily as a whisper bends a candle flame. in your orbit, he became a different man—softer, more open, as if you alone held the key to unlocking a hidden part of his soul. but your influence was not without cost. your magic, steeped in shadow, left a trail of upheaval in their wake. chaos bloomed wherever you tread, a dark garden of your own making. ( not sure i might stick with this plot, but am so hhhng im lazy )

Dean Winchester: ๑ ︵ might say somethin stupid ᵎᵎ

after a long, exhausting hunt, dean heads to a nearby bar to unwind. weighed down by the night's events, he orders a drink and surveys the room. his attention is quickly drawn to a stunning individual sitting a few stools away. intrigued, dean moves closer, captivated by their effortless beauty and presence. deciding to engage, he buys them a drink and leans in, confidently flirting with a playful question about their relationship status, hoping to shift the mood and distract himself from the tension of the hunt.

Sam Winchester: ๑ ︵ bloody date ᵎᵎ

it was catastrophic. sam knew, deep in his bones, what you truly were. he might have chastised himself for harboring feelings for you, convinced he was teetering on the edge of insanity as his heart clenched painfully within his chest at the mere thought of your presence. but fuck, you were worth it right? this date, however, shattered any remaining illusions. it was meant to be an intimate affair—small, meaningful, a cherished memory in the making. well, you sure as hell made it memorable for him to ever forget it. there you stood, fangs sunk deep into your helpless victim, crimson rivulets painting the edges of your mouth like some macabre artwork.

slashers ☆彡

Brahms Heelshire: ୭ ∿ i'll be good ∿

you had reluctantly accepted the nanny position, despite the suspiciously high salary. the isolated manor and eccentric heelshire family raised red flags, but desperation silenced your misgivings. nothing, however, could have prepared you for the absurdity of your charge – a porcelain doll named brahms. initially, you played along with the charade, following the strict rules set by the heelshires. but as days turned to weeks, an unsettling truth emerged. the real brahms was no doll, but a grown man, which in hindsight would be something to be freaked out about but for you it was fine, however the fact that the brahms could be a little too clingy was the problem. simple errands became ordeals. attempts to leave the property triggered tantrums, brahms clinging to you not wanting you to leave him.

Patrick Bateman: ୭ ∿ touch starved ∿

patrick never considered himself a touch-starved person. in fact, he often thrived in the artificial perfection of his meticulously curated life. he relished the combination of power suits and high-stakes finance, his existence orchestrated with a calculated precision that left no room for vulnerability. but from the moment you entered his life, everything changed. he found himself drawn to you like a moth to a flame, craving your touch in a way that defied his logical mind. in the upscale restaurants you frequented—places with starched tablecloths, crystal stemware, and prices that made most people wince—patrick's behavior shifted noticeably. while he once sat rigidly across from his dining companions, maintaining a respectable distance, with you he couldn't bear even that small separation. he'd guide you to the plush booth seating, sliding in close enough that your thighs touched beneath the table. as you perused the menu, his arm would find its way around your shoulders, fingers absently tracing patterns on your skin. during the meal, he'd lean in unnecessarily close to murmur observations about the food or other patrons, his breath warm against your ear. as the evenings wore on, patrick found increasingly creative ways to maintain contact. he'd reach across the table to adjust your napkin or brush an imaginary crumb from your cheek. Patrick Bateman: ୭ ∿ feeling bratty? ∿

patrick felt more on edge as time passed, a tightening coil of frustration that wound ever tighter within him. when the tension reached its boiling point, he reacted instinctively, striking out like a stray cat cornered and threatened, hissing and baring its tiny fangs. in that moment of vulnerability, his anger found an outlet in the nearest target—unfortunately, that target was you. deep down, he recognized his own insufferable behavior; he could feel the weight of it pressing down on him. he watched as you scoffed at his provocations or simply ignored his taunts, and each dismissive reaction stoked the flames of his irritation. the more you turned away, the more desperately he sought your attention, despite knowing the fire he was playing with could easily burn him.

misc ⟢

Soldier Boy: 𓂃 ꒰ freak show ꒱

Ben never imagined he'd find himself at the entrance of a peculiar circus, its weathered sign proclaiming "freak show" in faded letters. for weeks, vought's pr team had hounded him relentlessly, insisting that this appearance would be "good for public relations" and "humanize" him in the eyes of the masses. ben had scoffed at first, but their persistence wore him down like water on stone. now, here he was, surrounded by wide-eyed gawkers and the constant buzz of excited whispers. as the show began, ben found himself oddly captivated. each act was more outlandish than the last - contortionists twisting their bodies into impossible shapes, fire-breathers painting the air with flames, and strongmen hefting weights that should have been beyond human capability. but then, as the ringmaster's booming voice announced the next act, the tent fell into a hushed silence. a single spotlight illuminated the center ring, and ben's breath caught in his throat. there you were. the aerialist.

Stiles Stilinski: 𓂃 ꒰ favorite monster ꒱

stiles was well versed when it came down to the supernatural, he read every book, myth, and stories when it came to the supernatural. was well aware of the dangers of ghosts, werewolves, vampires the whole gist, you name it he undoubtedly knows it all. of course, you were a different case, a unique case that even though he knew the dangers about being a vampire he couldn’t for the life of himself get away from you. every late-night conversation and shared secret made it harder for him to keep his distance. as the two of you walked through the forest, discussing everything from pop culture to existentialism, it was at the very instant that your sudden laugh made his heart race. the warmth in your eyes and the way you would brush your hand with his rendered him utterly transfixed. he wondered how it was possible to feel so electrified and safe in the presence of someone who was, by all accounts, a threat. Stiles Stilinski: 𓂃 ꒰ you're ghostface ꒱

stiles didn’t know what to expect when the rumors of a serial killer began circulating in their small town. the gossip, dripping with fear and intrigue, shattered the fragile peace of beacon hills. as he stumbled through the dimly lit alley, the unmistakable glint of a knife illuminated by the flickering light from the nearby streetlamp caught his eye, and as the scene grew clearer, every hope he'd entertained shattered like glass. you, standing over a crumpled figure on the ground, the knife still gleaming in your hand, ghostface mask perched above your head. stiles had known you—i mean, really known you. the fact it was you, who was said killer made his stomach churn. he felt as though the ground had been pulled from beneath him, leaving him suspended in disbelief.

Madison Montgomery: 𓂃 ꒰ bitchy!user ꒱

madison's initial reaction to your caustic demeanor was a blend of irritation and intrigue. it catches her off guard; she's unaccustomed to having her façade challenged so directly. your unwavering stance and refusal to be cowed gnaws at her composure, chipping away at the armor of superiority she's cultivated. yet, beneath her outward indignation, she finds herself grudgingly impressed. your razor-sharp retorts and quick wit present a novel challenge—one that simultaneously infuriates and exhilarates her.

Madison Montgomery: 𓂃 ꒰ tobacco lips ꒱

before her death, madison was already dead inside. numb to the world, she craved to feel—anything. she chased oblivion through a haze of flesh, drugs, and alcohol, desperately seeking to drown the echoes of her past. each indulgence was a futile attempt to erase the memories: her mother's absence, her asshole of a father, the relentless scrutiny of the press, and the string of lovers who had taken pieces of her without leaving anything in return. she had found her way to the nearest bar, her face, heavily caked with makeup, felt like a mask weighing her down. her once-pearly teeth, now tobacco-stained, hid behind a sneer. the dress she'd chosen, meant to turn heads, only succeeded in making her look cheap rather than alluring. she navigated the crowded gathering with a practiced arrogance, projecting an aura of superiority she didn't feel. a fresh cigarette dangled from her lips, the filter stained with lipstick—a silent testament to her desperation. her words flowed freely, empty promises spilling from her mouth to the eager ears of men old enough to know better. then, through the haze of smoke and poor decisions, she saw you. beautiful, poised you—the coven's rising star, their future supreme. you stood surrounded by distinguished men, everything madison's admirers lacked. everything madison herself lacked. shame crashed over madison, as darted out, trying to get away from your sight.

might fix some of these but …. probably not anyway! @eppwtf on c.ai 😛

[sage-nebula]

💫✨ people I’d like to get to know better ✨💫

thanks for the tag @caffernnn !!

last song i listened to: So I'm actually going to plug three songs that I've been absolutely obsessed with over the past weekend and have been listening on repeat as a result, all by the same artist -- Lydia the Bard, over on YouTube.

Lydia makes villain songs for the Disney princesses (among other Disney female characters). Her first handful were just lower pitched versions of their songs (or songs from their movies), but as she progressed she started changing lyrics, and now she's really grown and is making the songs more and more unique, culminating in finally creating a wholly unique villain song for Tinkerbell, which just came out and is my favorite.

"Fall Little Wendy Bird Fall" recontextualizes Tinkerbell's animosity toward Wendy. In this version, Tinkerbell and the other fairies of Pixie Hollow brought Peter Pan and the other Lost Boys there because, due to the nature of fairies' existence depending on humans believing in them, fairies were dying all around them as humans grew up and stopped believing. So the only way to secure their own lives was to make sure their humans never grew up. But Wendy threatens that by making Peter and the others long for human lives. Therefore, Tinkerbell sees her as a threat who must be taken out to save her own and her friends' lives. Not only does this song make Tinkerbell a far more compelling character, but the vocal performance is stunning, and the animatic that goes with it is amazing as well. Literally obsessed.

The other two I'm obsessed with are Meg's (where Hercules betrayed her as well & she kills Hades & takes his power) and Isabela's (where Mirabel doesn't get to her in time, and her resentment over the arranged marriage drives her to snap). Meg's is a bop and has a killer line in "In time they'll say I was cruel 'cause I cared", and I'm sorely tempted to use her final look at the end of the animatic as my Halloween costume this year. Meanwhile, Isabela's is also killer musically of course, and has equally fire lines like, "What could you possibly expect was gonna happen when you made me? / Tend to a plant with poison and expect a flower, are you crazy?" They're both just so good.

favorite color: Purple! Specifically cool shades, and especially cool shades that are more pastel, mixed with grey. I also like blues and greens that are faded like that, too.

currently watching: A little while ago I had started rewatching Sabrina the Teenage Witch since I hadn't watched it since middle school, but once I got to season four it got . . . bad . . . and it has continued to be bad . . . so I've kind of stopped watching lmao. I've lately been rewatching Jenny Nicholson's videos, but I finished that, so now I've gone back to rewatching Jenna Marbles videos. Oh, and I really love this series on YouTube called Bistro Huddy! It's hilarious, and Drew (the guy who portrays all the characters) is fantastic, he really melts into the roles so you almost forget it's one guy doing all of them. Highly recommend checking it out.

spicy/savory/sweet: Honestly depends on my mood, but I do have a strong sweet tooth, so honestly it's hard to go wrong by offering me ice cream or a cookie or something similar.

relationship status: Currently dating the lovely @skimmingthesurfaces 💜 She's actually going to be here this weekend for my birthday! (My birthday is on Tuesday, so I'm very blessed to have her with me for the whole weekend.)

current obsession(s): Aside from the songs mentioned above, I've been really thinking about one OC in particular of mine, and her story / novel . . . she's a character that I first created when I was about 13 or so, and has gone through a lot of development since then, but I've been fleshing out a lot more of her story and how she fits into this new original world I've created (since she was originally created for a Legend of Zelda role play, albeit even back then she came from a country outside of Hyrule). I really love and cherish her a lot, even though most other characters think she fulfills the "girl who is stupid" role in the adventuring party, and on some level she also believes this about herself, and to be fair she's not academically gifted at all, but to be even more fair the school and in fact overall society she was raised in was extraordinarily fucked up and no one actually tried to teach her in a way that would help her learn and in fact learning disabilities were seen as personal failings and --

Ahem. Anyway. I have long since described her as "pure of heart, dumb of ass," and in many ways she is, but for the second half, she's not in the way most everyone around her growing up assumed she was (including herself), or like, even if she is it wasn't 100% her fault (like yeah she slept in class and that was on her, but also she wasn't going to learn whether she was awake or not because her teachers were not going to be able to teach her the material because it was a One Size Fits All approach to teaching even when it really wasn't -- and that's only scratching the surface of the problems in her school / culture, it's a huge systemic thing). But yeah I've just been thinking about her a lot. Karin's my girl and I love her lots.

[phantom-bleu]

I think de is quite confusing as a character and villain and her connection w white lily unfortunately doesnt help even though its supposed to expand on her but i would love to hear ppls thoughts on wat shes doing and her beliefs esp since shes apparently coming back in odyssey ch3. The way i see it white lily is a healer and her research drove her towards finding out why cookies r made but i think dark enchantress is less concerned with protecting cookies from the witches tho i think theres still merit to this idea since de is meant to b made of poison & most of the cookies of darkness r either also poisonous (shroomy) or bitter and broadly disliked foods (dchoco/licorice) besides pommy but im sure theres smth else to b said abt pomegranates in literature that i wouldnt know. But like all of this is kind of contradicted by the fact that she’s attacking and killing other cookies who just dont have the same knowledge abt the witches that she has without explaining herself

Tower of sweet chaos i feel leans reaaaaaaally heavy into cookie existentialism and gives the witches a much bigger cosmic horror element than in ovenbreak in the way that they p much arent present in the world of the cookies at all besides this doomsday cult that see them as gods but theyre still so unknowable to the cookies worshipping them that the witches plates r chairs and tables, a cake tower is a giant army base with stairs to climb up. Basically a cookies entire world can just be on the dinner table of a witch and they dont know that and if they do they still struggle to truly understand it. Like when white lily was at the night of the witches theyre so huge and incomprehensible to her theyre just voices in the sky. So i think when she and pastry fell into the ultimate dough that gave them knowledge of the full extent of the world as the witches see it which is hard for a cookie to deal with both bc like ur made to be eaten which is Scary but as well as that youre entirely inconsequential to the world at large and these gods the witches barely care abt u as more than a snack. And for pastry she had her cult to seek comfort from even though it didn’t work out well for her but for white lily she was alone so she had to grapple w the incomprehensible and took it out as anger against cookiekind. U know the thought experiment abt the ant who for 1 second gets put into the consciousness of a human and sees all of the complexity and massiveness of life from our perspective but then immediately becomes an ant again and just has to deal w what they just learnt. And now imagine the ant sees its colony building a hill and bringing food back but now it knows how small the colonys hill is in perspective to the entire planet and it could just be stepped on and destroyed at any second and every ant in the hill would die instantly and the human that stepped on it is so uncaring it wouldnt even realise it destroyed an ants world. And the ant can do fuckall to grapple w the futility of its entire life bc its impact on the world is so microscopic that its helpless to everything. and all it can do is envy the ignorance of the other ants and lash out against its own kind in rage. So thats how i see de

[klarolinelibrary]

Hi KC Readers, 

We have reached the end of the week which means we have new weekly releases for you! The stories below were updated during the week of April 24th - April 30th. 

Happy Reading!

FFN

A View to Stop a Murder

Author: Marcia rogerts

Rating: K+

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Bonnie realizes killing Kol would be a huge mistake, Caroline has enough of Elena's selfishness and Klaus makes it in time to save his brother. 4x12 AU.

Date of update: April 24 2021

Collateral Damage

Author: stardancer10

Rating: M

Length: Drabble

Summary: Caroline Forbes had finally reached her breaking point. She was done being the expendable casualty in their plots and schemes and decides to do something for herself, something selfish. Warning: Not for fans of Elena or Damon.

Date of update: April 24 2021

Klaus POV - The Trouble with Spells (Chapter 22)

Author: ilovetf

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: I think the title is self explanatory. The Trouble with Spells as seen through Klaus's eyes and his POV. Over the years, people kept liking this story and some even asked for Klaus POV, so I decided to give it a try.

Date of update: April 25 2021

The Wolf II (Chapter 10)

Author: yokan87

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: The Guerreras' threat still looms over the Mikaelson house as Caroline tries to adapt to life as a vampire, away from her daughter. But an unexpected family reunion makes everything worse, taking away the little peace Klaus, Caroline and Elijah managed to find after the war that nearly broke them. [It's TO S2, but Caroline was a witch, had Klaus' baby and now she's a vampire]

Date of update: April 27 2021

Nothing Suspicious Here At All

Author: Writingnerd291

Rating: T

Length: Drabble

Summary: There's something just not right about the French Quarter, and Caroline as a rule avoids it. But Caroline has never been good about following her instincts, especially when said instincts might actually keep her out of trouble.

Date of update: April 28 2021

A Failed Sacrifice (Chapter 6)

Author: CookieDuo

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: She ruined the sacrifice to save her own life, and in order to survive she turned to the only other vampire who'd been able to survive the wrath of Klaus Mikaelson. She gets away, and learns from the master, but when Klaus eventually catches up to her, her life will never be the same again.

Date of update: April 29 2021

AO3

Our Time Now

Author: perfectpro

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Returning to campus for the start of her senior year, Caroline is determined to lead the cheerleading squad to victory, get into the law school of her choice, and to stop sleeping with Klaus. All the while ensuring that her sorority is left in good hands after she graduates, keeping her perfect 4.0, and enjoying her remaining time in undergrad. Senior year is going to be different. Caroline is going to make it different, okay? She isn’t going to sleep with Klaus.

Date of update: April 24 2021

Echoes of Sorrow (Chapter 6)

Author: BelleMorte180

Rating: E

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: It was meant to the the vacation of her dreams. Something new and the beginning of a fresh start for her, but when an unthinkable tragedy strikes, Caroline is left with the aching pit of grief that she finds impossible to let go of. However, sometimes the greatest love stories are born out of the greatest tragedies.

Date of update: April 24 2021

No Goodbyes (Chapter 10)

Author: deadofwrite (dead_of_write)

Rating: E

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: “Last night shouldn’t have happened,” Caroline whispered. Guilt. Shame. Regret. It was all the emotions he feared. And it was written all over her face. aka. a college/cheating au

Date of update: April 24 2021

You Should See Me In A Crown

Author: misssophiachase

Rating: T

Length: Drabble

Summary: Two famous strangers, both trying to avoid paparazzi for different reasons, find themselves in a bar one night during the Summer Olympics.

Date of update: April 25 2021

A Million Reasons to Stay (Chapter 18)

Author: Books4eva180

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Caroline Forbes is an ordinary 21 year old girl. She lives in NYC in a crappy apartment with her 3 best friends while trying to get her degree in journalism at Columbia with a virtually non existent love life. Well that is until she is diagnosed with Stage 2 Stomach Cancer. Caroline is devastated and till the cancer is for sure gone she swears off romance. Those plans go out the window when she falls for Klaus. Literally he runs into her and she falls onto the sidewalk. So she goes on a date with him. At first Caroline resolves to go on a few dates with him just wanting to spend time with someone who doesn't know she has cancer and treats her like she is going to drop dead any second. Though the more time she spends with him the harder it gets for Caroline to leave. How long will it be till Klaus figures out about her big secret and when he does will it tear them apart forever or bring them closer than ever?

Date of update: April 25 2021

I Don’t Want You To Die (Chapter 2)

Author: klarolinexluv

Rating: E

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: This is set after Season 5 Episode 12 (The Originals) when Klaus comes to Mystic Falls and takes the dark magic out of Hope, then he returns home to die. Caroline has a guilty conscience and she travels to New Orleans after him. Will she finally tell him what she wants? Will she stop him from dying? Read to find out!

Date of update: April 25 2021

Darkness Becomes Thee (Chapter 2)

Author: BelleMorte180

Rating: E

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Austria 1300s. When Klaus met a young girl on a riverbank, he knew that he would one day come back for her. When he looked into her bright blue eyes, he could see a reflection of his own soul, a darkness that lingered inside both of them. When the young girl turned into a beautiful woman with a thirst for blood, his fascination with her turns into obsession. He wants not only her loyalty but her eternity, a possessiveness that is equally returned. Or my "Caroline is the serial killer Elizabeth Bathory" au.

Date of update: April 25 2021

Speak Now

Author: klarrolines

Rating: T

Length: Drabble

Summary: Caroline scoffed loudly, fists clenched to her sides and her face contorting angrily. "What would you know of what I want?" "Love, if getting married to Stefan is truly what you want why are you here listening to me instead of telling me off? If this is truly what you want why do you look like you're going to be sick on your own bloody wedding?"

Date of update: April 25 2021

A Smutty Anniversary (Chapter 7)

Author: kcatdino

Rating: E

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Caroline and Klaus celebrate 3 months together with a day full of smut.

Date of update: April 25 2021

Our Rebirth (Chapter 7)

Author: MissMackasaurus

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Caroline is tired of being unappreciated, forgotten and mistreated. Klaus is frustrated with watching her be disappointed by her friends. When she decides to run from Mystic Falls he drops everything to keep her safe. friendship isnt forbidden when no one knows you are together. What will happen when Caroline takes Klaus up on his offer to show her the world?

Date of update: April 25 2021

Roulette

Author: malignance

Rating: G

Length: Drabble

Summary: Apparently with Mikaelsons, one meant all.

Date of update: April 25 2021

Kill Them With Kindness

Author: sekretny

Rating: T

Length: Drabble

Summary: “Caroline, pray tell… what is this little-,” Klaus directs his steps towards the sink where his girlfriend is doing the dishes, “project that you have undertaken.” Upon closer inspection of the state of the kitchen, he decides to tread carefully to avoid setting his feet on any of the small specks of some kind of treacly substance scattered all around the floor. “I was making cookies,” she answers with a voice full of fake cheer and a shrugs of her shoulders. He recognized her answer as being oddly evasive, while she continued to scrub a spatula. Klaus finds it adorable how she tried and failed at feigning innocence.

Date of update: April 26 2021

Destination Wedding (Chapter 4)

Author: PumpkinDoodles

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: The first rule of going to your ex's wedding is 'make sure you look good,' but Caroline's seriously worried that this British Guy is going to make her late. And she cannot be late to Rebekah Mikaelson and Matt Donovan's wedding at a Virginia winery.

Date of update: April 26 2021

Just Another Fairytale (Chapter 15)

Author: BelleMorte180

Rating: E

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Once upon a time, there was a young prince who roamed the Forrest of Abattoir and a young maiden who lived by the Mystic Sea. The maiden felt the alone and useless while the prince longed for a connection to his mother. Just like any fairytale, the story of the prince and the maiden is one of true love, adventure and magic.

Date of update: April 26 2021

We are Young (Chapter 13)

Author: kcatdino

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Basically, Klaroline flirt in front of their kids who they are barely older than, and Landon is appropriately confused.

Date of update: April 26 2021

Magics Miracle (Chapter 6)

Author: 1Jemmagirl22

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Caroline is in Paris with out her humanity after the death of her mother. It seems her friends aren't happy with her new state so they inform the one person capable of turning her emotions back on. Klaus. When a prophecy about a second Tribrid comes about in New Orleans, shock to sweeps through the city. It seems nature doesn't consider Hope such an abomination after all as an even greater one is about to be created. The hands of power are changing and when they're done even the worlds most powerful witches won't be able to stop it.

Date of update: April 26 2021

Sibling Rivalry (Chapter 10)

Author: kcatdino

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: In which Klaus and Rebekah are both bi, their taste in men and women overlaps infuriatingly often, and they argue over their newest shared interest.

Date of update: April 27 2021

Kiss Me Quick (Spin Me Slow)

Author: malignance

Rating: T

Length: Drabble

Summary: It was infuriating, the effect they all had on her.

Date of update: April 27 2021

Secret Spells (Chapter 2)

Author: 1Jemmagirl22

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Alexandria Le Fay brings old magic back to the Salvatore school just as things start to calm down. But magic isn’t all she brings. Darkness follows her everywhere she goes. As does her family’s secrets. Takes place after Legacies 3x04.

Date of update: April 27 2021

LITTLE TENSE (Chapter 2)

Author: wincefish16

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: PROMPT- HUMAN MARRIED KLAROLINE. THINGS ARE NOT LOOKING GOOD IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. DAMON IS CAROLINE'S BROTHER AND KLAUS'S BEST FRIEND. HE TRIES TO FIX THINGS BETWEEN THEM.

Date of update: April 28 2021

Soulmate visions (Chapter 5)

Author: kcatdino

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: On your soulmate's eighteenth birthday, you see through their eyes for an hour, but they don’t know. And if your soulmate turns eighteen before you are even born, you never get a vision. Klaus gets his soulmate vision right after he orders Tyler to bite Caroline on her birthday.

Date of update: April 28 2021

Caroline in Wonderland

Author: BelleMorte180

Rating: E

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: London, 1903. On the day of her wedding, a young boy collides into Caroline's legs, all but knocking her to the ground. Seeing that she is dreading walking down the aisle, any moment stalling her from heading to the church is welcome. However, when she follows the young boy down a London street, something impossible happens and Caroline finds herself in a magical world that she had been told about as a young child- Wonderland. She embarks on a journey through Wonderland to find out who she really is, where she belongs and towards a man who she had thought was nothing more than an imaginary friend.

Date of update: April 28 2021

The Big Bad Wolf (Chapter 7)

Author: MorningStarGirl666

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: He was the Big, Bad Wolf of this story, there was no doubt about that. But Caroline? She was the light to his darkness, the moon that shone brighter than even the stars in a sky of endless void. Like every wolf, he fell in love with the moon, and every month, he was destined to cry for a love he would never touch.

Date of update: April 28 2021

Resilience (Chapter 26)

Author: BMINA

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Set from 7x12 of TVD and somewhere between 3x13-3x14 of TO. When the gang of Mystic Falls try to get rid of Julian using a dangerous spell, they employ the help of Freya Mikaelson. But things go awfully wrong, resulting in a huge loss and lots of heartbreak. Julian vows to kill them all, making the group leave Mystic Falls and start running in different directions of the world. Five years later, Caroline and Alaric have a life in Chicago - free from the supernatural drama and all the grievances that come with it. But when Damon and Enzo show up to tell them that Bonnie has been taken, they pack their bags and head to the only place they can go to find help in getting her back; New Orleans. However, that brings about a new magnitude of problems instead, with a war looming ahead as old enemies of the Mikaelson's resurface and new dangerous weapons are discovered, threatening the sirelines once more. Forcing Caroline to make a decision between her new life and one where she must leave her human notions behind.

Date of update: April 28 2021

Battle Plans Gone Wrong

Author: Helpfulfairy92

Rating: Not rated

Length: Drabble

Summary: While Klaus knew he wasn't the smartest man on the planet, he liked to think that he had at least learnt to pay attention to his wife's many moods over the years. And this mood? This was one he had learnt to pay attention to. This was not a good mood. Or Caroline finds out about Klaus' plan and says No.

Date of update: April 29 2021

KC Drabbles 2021

Author: CandyCane1287

Rating: T

Length: Drabbles

Summary: C1: Hybrid Klaus meets human Caroline earlier and they fall in love. But there’s more. Ps, Katherine didn’t turn Caroline and she’s still human. He used Elena for the sacrifice but Elijah revived her. He got Tyler to bite Caroline but Klaus healed her. Tyler and Caroline broke up cause he cheated on her and they weren’t that in love.Matt and Caroline never happened. A bit of talk of Damon, but doesn’t go into too much detail.

Date of update: April 29 2021

The Long Ride Home (Chapter 4)

Author: BelleMorte180

Rating: E

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Seventy-three years is a long time to love someone; but sometimes, a lifetime is just not long enough when it is time to say goodbye.

Date of update: April 29 2021

Mikaelson Family Values

Author: perfectpro

Rating: G

Length: One Shot

Summary: Klaus and Caroline Mikaelson moved to Mystic Falls to put down roots for their family, but the town doesn't prove to be as perfect of a fit as they might have thought.

Date of update: April 29 2021

Louder Than Thunder (Chapter 16)

Author: khaleesiofthewolves

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: All Hell was about to break loose. After dying while protecting a grieving Klaus, Caroline finds herself sent back in time, and she's not who she once was. She's more. Back in Mystic Falls, something else is stirring. After the arrival of a mysterious figure from Klaus' past, it all comes to a head. It really is louder than thunder.

Date of update: April 30 2021

Reasons Not to Date a Mikaelson (Chapter 4)

Author: kcatdino

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Bonnie and Caroline gain a new roommate for their freshman dorm when a vision leads them to tracking down a pregnant Hayley in the Rockies. Also, Bonnie may or may not have raised a certain dead Original instead of Jeremy and Klaus takes a job at Whitmore teaching, to be annoying. He’s very good at it. This is a season 5 rewrite where the Originals never leave for New Orleans. But you know, with comedy.

Date of update: April 30 2021

Rewrite Of American Dream Prom Queen

Author: alyssa_chloe25

Rating: T

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: This is my version of american dream prom queen by trashcanbarbie. The beginning is the same as the original but with a twist in the end. More violence and hybrid klaus comes out to play.

Date of update: April 30 2021

AO3: Last Love (Chapter 2)

FFN: Last Love (Chapter 2)

Author: kirti_01

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Klaus had promised to be her last love, was sure that Caroline, will come to him. Maybe in a year, or a 100, perhaps. But Caroline decides not to wait for that long. After graduation, Caroline moves in with Klaus to give her feelings for him a chance. And Elijah finally lets go of his obsession with Katherine and finds himself attracted to a university student, his student, a human named Samara.

Date of update: April 24 2021

AO3: She Deserves Better (Chapter 43)

FFN: She Deserves Better (Chapter 43)

Author: CrazyGirl92

Rating: E

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Everyone Caroline has ever known is gone, her life has not gone the way she expected at all. What happens when she is attacked on the full moon? What happens if she finds herself back into her past. What will she do with this unexpected chance? How did it happen? Will she make the same choices? Were those even the right ones? Will Caroline wake up and realize just how much better she deserved. And just what will happen when she does?

Date of update: April 24 2021

AO3: The Domino Effect (Chapter 3)

FFN: The Domino Effect (Chapter 3)

Author: CrazyGirl92

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: Would the death of three of the five original vampires really not affect the entire world? What happens when the witches at peace decide something must be done about it. How is the story changed if Caroline meets Klaus Mikaelson earlier?

Date of update: April 24 2021

AO3: Corks and Claws (Chapter 21)

FFN: Corks and Claws (Chapter 21)

Author: UppityBitch

Rating: M

Length: Multi Chapter

Summary: As alpha pack leader of the Crescent Clan, Caroline has enough to deal with in keeping her wolves in line, but then a familiar sexy hybrid returns with his own set of problems and she can’t help but get involved...

Date of update: April 25 2021

AO3: Judgment Call (Chapter 9)

FFN: Judgment Call (Chapter 9)

Author: Eliliyah

Rating: G

Length: Drabble

Summary: As a Federal Agent, Caroline Forbes has always lived by a strict moral code. But when new evidence comes to light that Klaus Mikaelson, the first man she helped send to death row, may not be guilty hours before his execution, she begins to question everything she’s ever known. As the investigation leads to the heartbreaking truth, she’s forced to choose between what is right and what is just.

Date of update: April 27 2021

[inkdrinkershadowsinger]

Thoughts/Background on Chamber of Secrets

There simply cannot be neighborhoods like this, where there are miles upon miles of cookie cutter homes that stretch out into the horizon. Does anyone know if this is a real shot? Or did they multiply the houses like they do to extras in a battle scene?

I never noticed that this photo album is this detailed. There is a little J and L on either side of James and Lily’s photo here. Hagrid is an artist.

It’s on every page? Was this supposed to be something that Hagrid found from Godric’s Hollow? How did he get something so specific? Or is that rumor true that Hagrid owled Lily and James friend’s and Remus, who had been left things like this when there was no one else left to claim them, got it off his bookshelf and sent it to his best friends’ son?

I like how Harry’s room progressively becomes more his own. Look at it in this movie, the walls are bare, everything is relatively tame and plain verses in Order of The Phoenix, when Harry’s room has distinctly more decoration.

Those pink candlesticks are ghastly.

Harry, my darling, you have been getting letters it is merely a well meaning house elf who has stopped them. I wonder what everyone else thought about Harry’s silence? Especially Hermione. Did she think for even a moment that Harry and Ron had decided that they didn’t want to be her friend at all? Ron isn’t much of a writer, and Harry wasn’t responding. I don’t want to know what kind of a mind fuck that must have been to 12 year old Hermione who had just got home from “magic school”, and none of her new “friends” were responding to her letters.

We have heard that theory that James is Harry and Sirius is Ron, etc. But Dudley is Petunia. Dudley and Harry were raised in the same house, closer than cousins because of location alone. But whereas Petunia never got over the resentment that she felt towards Harry in book seven Dudley was more concerned for Harry’s well-being when they were leaving for the safe house then I think Petunia ever was if Lily ever mentioned how hard and dangerous things were getting during the First Wizarding World. Dudley received some characterization and growth where Petunia never bothered.

Harry sounds so sarcastic when he says that.

Dang! Every time Harry leaves his room he has to see a pencil drawing of Dudley’s face? The Dursley’s cruelty knows no bounds.

All of this decoration, and the shelf are missing from the first scene with Harry in this movie.

Harry is just like, “Fuck it all.”

But he’s got manners galore.

At this point, Harry has never seen a house elf. He has no idea what a house elf does. He has no idea why one would be in his bedroom. He has no idea that this even is a house elf? Why is he so calm? This could be a blood thirsty toga wearing creature that they only study in seventh year, and yet, Harry is all but like, “Can I take your coat, sir?”

And now he’s crying, (those could have been lethal gas releasing nerve agents), and now he’s hitting himself (gearing up for attack.) Oh, Harry, number one at defense my arse.

And their champagne flutes are pink? You can’t buy taste.

Those people look so offended like, “You have a cat? How common.”

I know that the fanon is that wizarding children all heard bedtime stories about Harry Potter, but Dobby is proof that other beings also heard about Harry’s triumph over the Dark Lord.

Who painted that picture on Harry’s wardrobe? Dean Thomas, fanon artist. Or does Harry Potter have latent creative talent? Or can you buy these out of the Hogwart’s catalog? Lol

Dobby is like, “Oh, shit, I should not have said that.”

This is where Harry’s Gryffindor really shows because he could just lie to Dobby, but he doesn’t. It’s that Gryffindor honesty.

The man is just like, “Oh, look, cake. Neither of them even looks angry.

Vernon bowered Niall Horan’s hat for this scene.

Harry sleeps with the scrapbook right by his bed. Someone shoot me.

I love that to Ron, Fred, and George that this is a completely normal thing for them to be doing. None of them look nervous about flying a car in a Muggle neighborhood. Destruction of property? Who gives a fuck? They are just like, we have to do what we have to do for our bud. Just a regular drive around.

Hedwig is very annoyed at being called a pigeon.

Ron knows to appreciate the simple things. Tell you mate Happy Birthday, no werid shows of masculinity here.

I love the Burrow. I love the position of the Burrow. I love that they are surrounded by land and a little pond. I love that it is secluded, and that it looks pieced together.

The inside of the Burrow is stunning. You have the Farm House sink. The detailed windows. The hardwood surfaces. The eclectic but perfectly fitting furniture. It would be considered chic to many a Muggle. And that DOOR, that opens up, and then also opens out. The extra space above that little cubbie. Fireplace. Hand, or magic, knitted blankets.

There is a wooden orange cat, a la, Crookshanks on the fireplace there.

Ginny is me.

He says, “Morning Weasleys.” Like they are a clan. He could totally use that tone and call them all to action.

I feel like Mrs. Weasley could sound more disappointed here. I feel like she is kind of annoyed, but also kind of interested in their little stunts as well.

The stainglass windows, the open placement for the dishes, like this house is amazing!

“Dumbledore must know that you’re here.” So, the headmaster is the one who can keep track of the placement of certain students and their whereabouts, or is this simply a case where Mrs. Figg informed Dumbledore that Harry had taken off. Can you imagine that letter? Like, “Super sorry, Professor Dumbledore, but it seems as if Number Four Pivet Drive has been attacked by three red haired boys in a flying car. The red haired youngsters seemed to be on quite friendly terms with Mr. Potter however, as they helped them into the flying vehicle. Just thought that I should mention it.

Sincerely,

               Arabella Figg

 So, does Appartition take a lot out of a witch or wizard? Why don’t Mr. and Mrs. Weasley just apparate all the kids to the Diagon Alley? Is there such a thing as flooing by twos or threes? Because that would also be useful. Are there many fireplaces lining Diagon Alley like the tones that are shown in seven part one in the Ministry? Where to they floo into? Just one of the thousands of questions that need answers, Mrs. Rowling.

There is a gilded head of an elephant behind Harry’s head before Harry examines closely a cabinet that seems to follow a very tight skull aesthetic for maximum creep.

On the top shelf, there seems to be a lamp? A magical one?

More skulls. The hand of glory, that is mentioned in the books. And then a vase full of eye balls. This place is a health hazard. I know the wizarding world lacks mental health professionals, but you’re telling me they don’t have health inspectors?

Harry looks like he has been covered in spiderwebs. When was the last time that Floo was used?

Who are these random people just immediately accosting a twelve year old boy?

They pass a book seller. Knowledge is the root of all power.

The sign in front says from top to bottom: Quality. Value. Ease. Style. Then I think, Variety.

Hermione is internally shrugging because of course her ride or die new friend is covered in ash and has broken glasses. Of course, he is.

The girl behind them as they walk away looks back at them like, “Oh, Harry Potter.”

The fashion and lighting in this movie went from drab and seventeen hundreds to really flamboyant and really stylish with bright colors. I love that the dashes of color really followed them into the other films. Even Prisoner of Azkaban with its more muted color scheme is still vibrant.

The front page that reads: Gilderoy Lockhart gives Wizarding Wolrd Hero Hygiene Tips. Ash free for the cameras, always.

They are literally crammed into the bottom floor of this shop, and Draco Malfoy has an excellent view from above?

Ginny’s got some balls. Love her. All the boys are silent, and she just ain’t taking no shit.

Like Lucius, it is not okay to fondle people’s foreheads, you creepy mother f-er.

Hermione is a bad bitch. Like she knows how dangerous magic can be know, and yet, she doesn’t back down from this grown wizard.

They are all dirty. What happened to scourgify? Or were they scouring grate after grate trying to find Harry, and just didn’t have time after the relief of finding him? Literally, no one else is dirty.

Ginny’s trunk has a Hogwart’s emblem. And we all know the Weasley’s use hand me down items. Whose trunk does she have?

Like Ronald, this is not logical. Dang! I know y’all aint in Ravenclaw, but you are twelve years old. This is basic.

“Your hands all sweaty.” This is no time to be a snob, Harry.

So, did the car fail because they hit Hogwart’s wards? That would seem logical for its sudden failure.

It could also be why the Womping Willow attacked the car so viscously. It may have sensed that this car doesn’t belong to the grounds, and thus, could potentially be a threat. So, it tried to dislodge and pulverize the threat.

Pete, you rat bastard.

This car knows its way around Hogwarts? Or did some of the sentient magic that is in Hogwarts take over the car, and that is why it saved Harry and Ron when they were in the forest with the acromantulas.

To make things more environmentally friendly. The Daily Prophet should have a self updating paper, that changes with each news day. People can still buy the others, if they want to keep them for posterity, but I mean, come on, save the planet.

I feel like this is just a flashback for Snape. James getting away with everything and now Harry.

And Ron, is just so used to getting caught out by Mrs. Weasley, that he just instantly thinks that he is going home.

The look on Snape’s face is so sad here. Will no one ever take this man’s side?

I like this overhead view of the greenhouses. I like the idea too, that there are several levels of greenhouses. The ones that we see in this movie are close to the castle and are set for first and second years, but then the Greenhouses that we see in Half Blood Prince are set away a bit from the castle for the upper years. And some are just for Professor Sprout.

There are little dragon statues on top of the greenhouses. That’s a bit ironic.

Do you think that those large pot like things hanging from the ceiling are

Like, how common is getting petrified, that this would be in second year school book. Also, why were they being grown in the first place if there uses were so rare.

Headcanon that Neville truly developed an interest in Herbology when he fainted that year. He went back to see what work he missed, and Professor Sprout was just straight battling some giant carnivorous plant, and just kicking the fertilizer out of it, and Neville helps her. Then she shows him something else, and something else, and talks about all the things that plants can do, and what they are capable of achieving. “But that’s normally a lesson I reserve for the older years.” But Neville doesn’t want to wait, he wants to do it now. He goes back to the common room with several borrowed books from Professor Sprout, and he is never the same again.

We are legit just going to leave a student lying on the ground. Are we? The wizarding world is really survival of the fittest.

There is a studious Ravenclaw behind them there, reading away.

Neville still has flashbacks to be honest.

When the wizarding world doesn’t have cell phones to yell at or embarrass your children with, you hit them with a howler. Respect.

This DADA room is surrounded with pictures of Lockhart. All the frames along the side of the room are pictures of Lockhart. Bless this man.

This painting of Lockhart is painting a picture of Lockhart.

He bought those Cornish Pixies on the Wizarding Web.

Is that a skeleton of a hippogriff handing above them there?

Even the pixies have had it with Lockhart’s shit books.

The painting Lockhart runs out of the way as well.

Hermione is a baddie.

Hogwarts is so beautiful.

Flint, Wood is tired of your shit.

Hermione and Ron smell trouble, and are like, “I’m going to get me some of that.” Because Gryffindors.

Clap back Hermione.

I love that in the book everyone reacts to what Draco calls Hermione. I wish they would have included that a bit more in the movie.

Ron must have learned that from somewhere, but instead of someone helping him, they just laugh.

This interaction here with Hagrid and Hermione always melts my heart. I like to think that Hagrid is one of the reasons that Hermione worked so hard later in life for the protection and promotion of creature rights. Hagrid being a half giant.

Hagrid is number one. Let’s be real.

Where can I get this level of staged photograph when I go to the Wizarding World in May?

Lockhart is like, “Dang, the fame is already getting to this one. What a shame.”

Harry hears someone threatening to murder people, and of course, he runs right to them.

If Tom Riddle had a giant, most likely extremely hard to kill snake, why didn’t he just try to ride it on out of Hogwarts, take over Diagon and flatten everything? Why didn’t he come back for it during the first wizarding world?

Ron is not down with spiders, and neither am I.

Look, this may be a controversial opinion, but I love Mrs. Norris, and I think that her and Filch are cute and are not to be messed with.

Let’s be real, Filch has been hearing for a solid year from Snape about how Harry Potter is such a little shit. That rage has got to come from somewhere.

Ron, Hermione, and Harry thinking that they were just about to sneak off. Dumbledore is like, “Bitch, please.”

Hermione, Harry, and Ron: “Is Snape taking up for us….actu….oh, wait, of course not.”

I feel so bad for Filch here. That cat is probably the only thing in the whole world that he actually loves.

McGonagall has a large number of zoo like cages in her classroom as well. Her classroom is also very symmetrical, from the two blackboards, to the candles in the front of the room.

Draco and Goyle are reluctantly impressed.

That is the beautiful thing about libraries. There is an unlimited amount of information available at any point in time.

I’m glad that there is at least one adult in the common space for the students. Is that supposed to be Madam Pince? Or a helpful teaching assistant? We all know that the teachers at Hogwarts have an intense work load.

Why is there a spider depicted on the woman’s head in this book?

I just imagine that every time that Harry is in the air that Ron and Hermione experience quite a lot of anxiety.

I can just hear Lucius in the stands saying, “We do not show off for such people.” When the snitch is right beside Draco’s head.

I feel that Lucius grew into being a good father when the threat of his family became a reality. I think before he judged Draco by too harsh means because things were always rather simple in his mind. He thought he was the best, and Draco should be too. But he was humbled, and became a better father because of it.

Dobby strictly uses the word, “Enslavement” here. That word makes what Hermione does with Spew seem less radical.

The table is decorated with the phases of the moon.

Snape rises from the crowd like a ghost.

How on Earth did Lockhart get Snape to agree to do this? He had to have accosted him in the staffroom or during a meeting when Snape couldn’t get away.

“Severus, I really think it would be a great idea. We could really give the kids something exciting, riveting, and imaginative.”  It is only when McGonagall tells him that he could probably get Lockhart on his perfectly pictured arse a few times that Snape considers it, and eventually concedes.

The most iconic Drarry line ever. “Scared, Potter?” “You wish.”

Can conjured things kill people? Or are they just charms? Is the pain temporary, or a real solid thing that can seriously damage?

Is this study hall?

Harry Potter has the crappiest luck ever.

Some of the headmasters and headmistresses seem to be still. I like the idea that all of the professors that get promoted to that level get to be immortalized whether they would like to put apart of them inside of a portrait or not.

I really like the idea of Dumbledore as a scholar and an academic, so I really like that they show all of his scrolls and books.

I feel like Fawkes dying and then being rebirthed among the flames is a really poignant thing for Harry to experience at this stage in his life. This image of the phoenix dying, but still having life probably stuck with Harry and it might have been something that he thought about when he was preparing to walk into the forest in book seven.

Hagrid has got Harry’s back, and I love it. He is a really good friend.

This image of the Black Lake frozen over, and the students being pulled across it’s icy surface is stunning.

Hermione was training to join MI6 before she got her Hogwarts letter, and no one can tell me differently.

Are flying treats that common that Crabbe and Goyle are just like, “Dead on.” It must have been a cute thing that there house elves did for them when they were children, levitating treats or toys in the air for them to grab. Or their parents showing them magic and giving them treats at the same time. Otherwise, how would they have ever thought, “You know what? Excellent and safe idea to eat these random treats.”

Harry literally doesn’t know here which one is Crabbe and which one is Goyle.

The Slytherin common room looks way more lush then the Gryffindor common room. I feel like you can see really clearly into the Black Lake there, and since it is frozen over, the light that you see is light blue instead of green. I mean, look at how big there common room is. It looks like they have a designated study area and everything.

Draco, don’t be the stereotype of rich boys who steal. Just don’t.

Myrtle is not to be fucked with, bro.

A young Tom Riddle for sure got this one year for Christmas at Wool’s orphanage before the war started, and things got so tight that they couldn’t even afford three meals a day. Then, like everything in his past, he transferred these basic Muggles things to something more extraordinary, like him.

Tom Riddle in this movie is a hottie. Like, y’all can’t even fight me because there is no denying his killer beauty….get it?

Okay, so are we thinking that during this flashback that Tom’s soul piece is not only aware that Harry is watching a scene from his life, but is also, acting out the part of himself? He is the director and the lead, so to say.

I like this sequence because it shows more insight into who Tom Riddle is, and where the fear of death started to come from. I wish that Rowling would have made this connection more thoroughly for the viewers of the movies. A single mention of there being too many bombs, or a lot of fighting by Tom here when he is talking with Dumbledore would have provided some more insight into this character.

Ginny knows how to do some damage. I think it would have been easier for them to figure out. Girls can get up boy’s dorms, but boys cannot get up to girl’s dorms. It would have had to have been a Gyrffindor. The common room couldn’t have been completely empty. Hermioen could have fact checked this, and figured out who had wrecked their dorm.

Look at those game plans back there. I just envision, Oliver Wood drawing frantically on the blackboard wild circles that simulate flying motions, but he goes too quickly for everyone else to understand what he’s saying, and thus, the only one who knows the plan is Wood, himself.

Did they show Colin’s friends his frozen body? Or Penelope and Justin’s? Not one person in this school thinks of the potentially traumatizing circumstances that they are putting these kids through.

It is popular fanon that McGonagall and Riddle went to school together. From this perspective, it would be doubly as traumatizing for her to hear that the school could be closing again.

Ron is me. I ain’t messing with no mother flipping spiders.

Ron is no help in this scenario. Absolutley none.

Harry replacing Hermoine’s flowers, and thus subtly telling the viewers how much time has elapsed.

Harry is wickedly smart. He is also very logical which I think attributes a lot to that sarcastic personality that he has.

McGonagall has some Slytherin in her for sure. She went from worried to blasting Lockhart in 2.5.

Lockhart packed up really quickly. It was almost like he….. had….experience…leaving…quickly.

I wonder if Lockhart’s victims ever got any retribution after he wound up in St. Mungos. It’s almost certain that his sales went up when he got admitted to the hospital just because of the public’s sheer curiosity and gossip mongering.

Salazar Slytherin was one slick mother f-er. “I’m going to hide my chamber in the bathroom.”

I can just imagine Riddle not having a lot of time in between OWLS and what not, and taking the easy way out and opening the Chamber whenever he could just to chuck down dead rabbits and chickens. Forays into the Forbidden Forest were many for Tom’s minions back then.

Honestly, Lockhart, Harry probably wouldn’t mind if you took a few of his less than pleasurable memories.

Tom Riddle also has that innate need to be polite even though he’s about to stab someone just like Harry does. Or is this a British thing?

I love how the villains in these movies say, “Potter.”

That does not look like the hole that they came down? It looks like Fawkes took them up another exit.

Why is Dumbledore trusting Hagrid’s release papers from the wizarding world’s worst prisons to a twelve year old? To a twelve year old Ron Weasley at that.

It looks like Dumbledore has a crystal ball by his desk. Trying his hand at divination? Or is that how he keeps track of all the students? I need to know what headmaster powers enable him to do all of these things.

Jason Isaacs is super fine. I can even deal with the wig. In fact, the wig makes it better.

It looks like Dumbledore’s office is located outside of the courtyard which makes the scene in Order of the Phoenix when Fred and George are comforting that boy all the more poignant.

[love-at-first-klance]

Some Hogwarts Shit

Voltron Modern Hogwarts au! Featuring the Power of Friendship, lots of Quidditch, the squad teasing the crap outta each other and being super supportive, some adventure shit, mutual pining, and lots of emotions.

A Collab With @thesirenserenity, with amazing art (click here!) by @kimchee2222

More Hogwarts shit coming soon!

Some notable headcannons:

Lance - Gryffindor because of his passionate, playful, and idealistic personality, how courageous he is when it comes to protecting people, and how he throws himself into anything he does.

Comes from an ancient line of wizards that died out. Family lived as muggles in Cuba for forever and are a bunch of squibbs currently. When he was 11 his mom took him on a trip to visit her Bisabuela at her manor in England. While cleaning up in one of the rooms, he came across a dangerous magical heirloom that reacted with his dormant magic. An awkward conversation with Bisabuela, who had been the last witch in the line, he finds out he’s a wizard. He gets his letter for Hogwarts the next day and his mom flys back to Cuba without him. Lance is thrown into a whole new world!

Lance starts the rivalry with Keith because Keith- being awkward and uncomfortable around strangers- snapped at him on the platform of the train. On top of that Keith is a natural at magic and flying and Shiro’s little brother so Lance feels like he has a lot to prove.

Lance working his ass off to catch up with all his amazingly talented friends who have known about magic all their lives, but not realizing how fast he has learned everything and how gifted he is.

Constantly has to explain Muggle things and expressions to Keith, Shiro, and Allura, who don’t spend much time in the Muggle world. Bonds with the Holt siblings and Hunk who, whilst being purebloods, have always had a fascination with technology and Muggle culture. Cue Matt and Lance watching anime together and the whole group making their own memes.

Has an adorable cat named Blue!

Best classes: Divination and Potions!

A Chaser on the Quidditch team.

Keith - Gryffindor because of his complete recklessness, stubborn and blunt nature, and unshakeable courage.

Adopted by the Shiroganes at age 8, and loves his new family! Wants to find his mother, who was a witch and supposedly died during childbirth. His muggle father didn’t believe that and continued to search for her. He ran himself ragged and into an early grave, leaving poor halfblood Keith abandoned in a muggle orphanage while experiencing his first bursts of unstable magic.

Roommates with Lance! They are the only Gryffindor boys in their year, and thus have a room alone together... The whole squad is surprised they haven’t torn each other to shreds because of their rivalry.

Keith actually feels bad about snapping at Lance when they first met but he couldn’t find a good chance (or the right words) to apologize and then Lance started their ‘rivalry’ and Keith ends up thinking Lance doesn’t like him.

Lance: “Of course we’re friends you dimwit! I’m definitely your friend.” 

Keith: *internally dying because that’s the first time someone besides Pidge has explicitly said they were friends* Oh… Cool.

The best Seeker Hogwarts has ever seen!!

Best Classes: Defense Against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration

Has an adorably shy cat named Red (Lance: “You copied my naming idea!!” Keith: “I named her before we met, idiot. How could I copy you?”) who likes to ride around on Keith’s shoulder. Red takes a while to loosen up to her cat-roommate Blue, but then they are the best of friends!

Hunk - Hufflepuff! The Puff-est of Puffs!  Extremely hard-working, genuine, and loyal to his friends! Open-minded, fair, and accepting.

Grew up in a Pureblood family who is super down to earth and loves muggle shit. They live in the same Wizarding neighborhood as the Holts and Shiroganes and  He was best friends with Pidge even before Hogwarts!

Took poor lost Lance under his wing on the train day one and the rest was history!

Will absolutely destroy you if you hurt any of his friends.

Disapproves of Lance’s “adventures” to the kitchen, but loves the house elves and they let him bake at all hours of the night.

Not in Quidditch, but loves to watch and root for his friends and a specific Hufflepuff Keeper ;)

(Shay. It’s Shay. and spoilers, they are the cutest couple ever!!!)

Hunk knows that two certain Gryffindors in their friend group are hopelessly in love with each other before they know themselves. This does not surprise him. (It does frustrate him)

Pidge - Slytherin!!! Ambitious af, driven, self-reliant (“NO HUNK I CAN REACH THE BOOK MYSELF”), ruthless, adaptable, and uses their intelligence to achieve their goals.

Family of purebloods who lives in the same neighborhood as Hunk and Shiroganes. BFFs with Hunk for their mutual obsession with muggle shit, and BFFs with Keith because Shiro brought him along whenever he hung out with Matt so they became friends out of a common interest of pulling pranks on their brothers.

A year younger than the Lance-Hunk-Keith crew, but dove right into their friend group (literally. They have a tendency to jump on top of people).

Rides around on everyone’s back, especially Keith (“Awww, Keith. Don’t be jealous, you know you’re my favorite noble steed.” “I am not a noble steed, fuck you.” “Oh, you’re right, you would be the assassin’s steed!”)

Comes out as Non-Binary their fourth year. The whole squad is super supportive, but some of the traditionalists in Slytherin get a little rude about it until a certain someone steps in (hmmmm… wonder who that could be ;)

PIDGE HAS AN OWL NAMED ROVER FIGHT ME

“What’s up Gryffindorks.”

Gets Hunk a mug that says “I don’t give a Hufflefuck��� and Hunk is so torn because of the swear, but loves that his BFF got him a mug.

Shiro - Seriously was a hat stall, but wanted to be in Ravenclaw with his BFF Matt (and the super pretty, intimidating daughter of the Headmaster). He fits pretty well because of his introspective nature and wise, analytical, and steady mind.

From a Pureblood family that adopted Keith.

Best friends with Matt since FOREVER

An amazing wizard and hard worker in all his classes. Many say that he is one of the best wizards on campus.

Him, Matt, and Allura are all a year older than Hunk, Lance, and Keith.

Fantastic Quidditch player, because he and Matt have been playing together since they got their first brooms at the young age of six. Both are Chasers, a terrifying team, and part of the reason why the Ravenclaw team has been dominating at Quidditch recently.

Is everyone’s big brother and chides them to take care of themselves. And yells at Pidge for their language.

Has a frog named Slav who is ALWAYS croaking and annoys the shit outta him. Most common threat “I will turn you into a tea cozy” any time the frog croaks at an inopportune time (which is very often)

Allura - Ravenclaw AF for her no nonsense diplomatic mind and creative soul. She is so smart and aces all her classes, but gets distracted from her homework because she is so naturally curious and inquisitive. She is independent, talented beyond her years, and loves to learn.

Alfor is the Headmaster of Hogwarts, and so she knows ALL the secrets of the castle!

Sometimes spends a few weeks of the summer with her Uncle Coran, who is the Charms Professor and head of the Ravenclaw House, but has an apartment in Diagon Alley.

A Beater and the other reason why the Ravenclaw team has been dominating at Quidditch. She becomes the Quidditch captain in her fifth year, but was really running the team since she joined her third year.

Still has all the mice ALL THE MICE (“No, they are not rats”)

Matt - Ravenclaw for his brilliant mind and indefatigable wit. He often plays devil’s advocate in discussions because he is a cynic. Quotes shakespeare and memes simultaneously.

Roomates and bffs with Shiro!

Ships Shiro and Allura so hard, and wins a very specific bet as to how they will finally get together (FINALLY).

110% Started the “Space Dad” nickname for Shiro with the help of Lance.

Is Pidge’s biggest supporter and will destroy anyone who hurts them, which is very out of character from his normally chill demeanor (“In this house we love and respect Pidge.”)

Coran- Charms professor and head of Ravenclaw house. Everyone’s favorite teacher but no one can really say why. (“He just… I dunno… He’s fun?”)

Will invite you to his office for cookies and tea and you will like it

You will also tell him everything that’s bothering you and he will give you the one bit of advice you needed to hear and then you will leave feeling a lot better

You will then realize he didn’t ask you a single question about why you were upset you just kind of… blabbed at him.

Sure he’s the charms professor but he knows tons of things about tons of subjects. You could ask him about any type of magic and and could tell you about it. (Or at least tell you where to look to learn more)

Very interested in Muggle things but very bad at understanding them.

Took charge of Lance during his first year at Hogwarts and now it’s not uncommon for Lance to just spend his downtime hanging out in Coran’s office talking.

“I don’t have a favorite student. That would be very unprofessional.”

He does

It’s Lance

Much to Allura’s frustration (“Allura, you can’t be my favorite, that would be nepotism.”)

Lotor

Has been punched in the face

It was Keith

Keith: “10/10 would punch in the face again.”

Lance: “Do not!”

[ptonkin]

Top 5 Hayley moments.

SAHAR I LOVE YOU

PS: This got long I’m so sorryPPS: if you read all this you deserve a cookie.

3x02 -  The fight scene with Klaus “All I ever wanted for her was something better” “Fight back!” “I missed everything” Also one of my top 5 scenes of the entire show. Also Phoebe’s best acted scene.

I still get tears in my eyes when I watch that scene over a year later, the raw emotion and the pain but most of all the frustration of Klaus’ lack of understanding that what she did wasn’t to hurt him it was to give their daughter a better future. Hayley has understood from day one that Klaus takes everything personally and takes everything as a threat against him and his because of his paranoia, and she just wants him to understand that yes she fucked up but she didn’t take Hope away to hurt him because she’s never wanted to hurt him, she’s never wanted to fight with him, all she’s ever wanted is for them two to get along so Hope can look back and go “Yeah my mom and dad tried for me, they love me and they gave me all i ever needed” because that’s not something that either Klaus or Hayley can say. And then she just wants him to fight back because she’s got all this rage and she just wants to have it out with him because he took their baby girl and deprived her of a parent for six months, for entirely different reasons than she was going to do it and she’s just so angry at both herself and Klaus that they’ve let it get this far.

Oh my heart when she realised Hope was there and toddling on her own and you can see Hayley’s heart break in two and you can see in that moment that she’s just like “she’s grown up and I missed it” , she missed Hope’s first smile, first laugh, the first time she sat up by herself, the first time she started grabbing things, a lot of firsts and Hayley was like “right I can make up for that now and not miss anything else” when she got her back in 214 and she failed and honestly I just can’t with that entire scene it breaks my fucking heart.

201 - “I was a mother and now I’m a monster”

Literally in the space of a few seconds Hayley was Hope’s mother, then she pricked her finger and that one drop of blood turned Hayley into something she never wanted. She didn’t want eternal life, she didn’t want to wake up every single day drinking blood. She didn’t want to be shunned by her pack because of what she’d become. And her life flipped within a couple hours, she gave birth to her baby, died, got her baby back, transformed into a hybrid then had to spend months not seeing her baby pretending she’d died

Hayley spent months just going on slaughter sprees, going into her wolf form to avoid human contact with people and then murdered some of the wolves she’d grown to love in order to end war with the witches.... She’d become something she never wanted to be. She’d become a monster in her eyes, everything had changed and she just wants Elijah to see that, to see that she’s not the lost little girl looking for her parents anymore, carrying his niece, she’s a brutal creature capable of horrific things that even she never thought she’d be able to and here Elijah is telling her it’s going to be alright and things will get better and he just doesn’t understand that without her child there is no getting better, there’s nothing for her except being the monster she is. She’s been acting out for months to cope with the loss but also to show people that she’s not a mom anymore, she’s just Hayley the hybrid, the monster and she just wants Elijah to understand that.

209 - The reunion with Hope

No big massive paragraph on this, just the fact I cry nearly every single time i see it because my baby finally gets to hold her baby again after so long and it’s just everything.

316 - “Being kind, doesn’t make you weak” (Also this ties in with “ You did a nice thing today, Klaus, for Davina, who you hate.”)

I feel like Hayley is the only one of Klaus’ ‘Love interests’ if you can call her that, that has never tried to change Klaus for her own self. Both Caroline and Cami were inherently good people, but they were also people that wanted Klaus to be a good person, and for both of them i feel like it was moreso for how their feelings for him would reflect on them, an extra special case of “Good girl loves bad boy” i feel both of them tried to change Klaus so that his ‘darkness’ wouldn’t reflect badly on them. Not because they wanted him to overall feel better about himself, but because they wanted less people to judge him and therefore them in respect. Also with Cami, I feel like Cami had a -need- to ‘fix’ Klaus because of what happened with Sean and she kinda wanted to be like “Well if I couldn’t save Sean I’ll save Klaus” to prove she could, to prove to herself she could do good and change people and leave a mark on the world, tbh.

But Hayley has never wanted to change Klaus for anyone but himself (and Hope) she points out his flaws, yes, his paranoia and the fact he is the thing that keeps turning people on them, but in this moment, she’s legit like

“Look I get that you’re afraid of seeming weak but you’re not Klaus, you’re not weak, and you helping someone out doesn’t make you weak, nobody will think any less of you, you can do this” and then later on when she’s telling Klaus he did a nice thing, she’s like “See, you’re not weak, you’ve done a nice thing and nobody thinks lesser of you for it” to tie it all in together

It’s also an acknowledgement that yes you can do fucking awful, terrible things, when they’re needed, as both hayley and klaus have done, but also that you shouldn’t forgo kindness when it’s needed, and you shouldn’t be an ass just for the sake of being an ass, which i think is a life lesson in itself probably

(and to explain that I mean like... some ppl think it’s okay to be an asshole in certain situations, I am one of those people, but at the same time there’s no need to be an asshole all the time, and when there’s an opportunity to be nice to someone who needs it, even if you can’t stand them or don’t even know who they are, it’s always good to be nice)

102 - This one was hard to pick because I have a lot of Hayley moments I love, but sneaking and giving Rebekah the daggers.

 Rebekah’s come in with this attitude, made comments about Hayley, bossed her around the house and showed her its horrors and was flippant about the woman carrying her niece, but Hayley heard about what Klaus did with those daggers and just decided she wasn’t gonna let it happen again, she defied Klaus  and for all she knew with how close Rebekah and Klaus were, she could’ve handed the daggers straight back to Klaus and been like “Your baby mama is a snake” (or at the very least ratted her out if not handed the daggers back as a sign of goodwill to get Klaus on her side and get Elijah back) but Hayley took a chance, stole the daggers and gave them to Rebekah to save her the heartache of being daggered again, basically doing something kind and possibly risking herself in the process and I think it’s an underrated moment.

[radioleary-blog]

Trump vs. Mueller: The Interview

First of all, congratulations on reading. It’s a dying art, like soap making, or scrimshaw, or critical thinking. These are all dying arts. I knew a girl who made psychedelic T-shirts to sell at Phish shows, but that was more of a dye-ing art. Did I have to start this column with a pun? “Oh yeah!” And I say “Oh Yeah!” just like the Kool-aid man. You know the Kool-aid man, right? I like his style, smashing through the wall of your house and doing thousands of dollars in structural damage and creating an insurance nightmare that will drag on for months. Not sure how a somehow sentient being who is made of glass and liquid can smash through concrete, but that’s the way it is. Never underestimate the power of sugar, I guess. And what was the deal that his face was made only of condensation? That sounds like a hellish existence, I’d probably be insane enough to try to commit suicide by smashing my glass body into cinder blocks and cement too.

Second, thanks for reading my column, you’re clearly a person of virtue and accomplishment, destined for greatness and getting lots of hot sex along the way.

Let’s get into it. One way or another, Trump is going to sit down with Robert Mueller. And we here at The Satire Day Evening Post, in cooperation with the RADIOLEARY Broadcasting Podcasting Association, have spent enormous amounts of federal grant money (that would have otherwise gone to the needy and blind) in order to research and predict the outcome of this interview. Using predictive algorithms and analytic software designed with reverse-engineered alien technology from flying saucer crash-site retrievals, along with a veritable army of prognosticators, dowsers, gypsy witches, remote viewers, seers, visionaries, mediums, extra-larges, sooth-sayers, shamans, telephone psychics, peyote salesmen, and fortune cookie authors, we have what we feel to be a complete and 100% accurate transcript of the Robert Mueller Donald Trump interview.

So look into the future with us, and someday soon we’ll say, “Hey, it wasn’t that far off.”

MUELLER: Mr. President, I want to thank you for coming here today to answer some questions. You had stated publicly many times how you looked forward to speaking to me under oath, and here we are. And all it took was an invitation. Followed by a Grand Jury subpoena. Followed by 11 months of litigation, and a year of well-orchestrated media attacks on me personally, attacks on the integrity of the Russia investigation in general, and the entire FBI and Justice Department.

TRUMP: It was my pleasure.

MUELLER: Now, I know that your legal advisers were worried this interview would be some sort of a “perjury trap”, but I assure you we just have some straightforward, simple questions we hope you can answer for us. We’re not looking to trick you or trap you in any way. Now, if you could just state your name for the record, please?

TRUMP: Yes, My name is Donald Trump and I’m guilty of treason.

MUELLER: Wait...What? May I remind you you’re under oath?

TRUMP: Oh right. My bad. Can I get a do-over on that one? I’m calling a mulligan.

MUELLER: Look, I.. okay, sure. Fine, whatever. Could you please state your name for the record?

TRUMP: My name is Donald J. Trump. And I’m guilty of treason. See, I almost forget the “J.” there for a minute. They told me you were tricky, but you can’t trip me up that easily, I’m a stable genius. You have to get up pretty early in the morning, if you want to see my insane Twitter rants. Okay, that’s take two, make sure you use take two, when is this episode going to air? I hope it’s sweeps week.

MUELLER: Did.. did you just say you’re guilty of treason?

TRUMP: Yep. They told me this interview was a perjury trap, that you’d try to get me to lie under oath, but I’m too smart for you. I’m like, an intelligent person. And I’m guilty of treason. Not lying. You can check. I am so completely guilty.

I committed treasonous acts against the United States and the people of the United States, I engaged in a criminal enterprise and conspiracy to overthrow the government, and I’ve served as a puppet dictator for a foreign power adversary. So by the U.S. military code of justice, I’m facing some very serious charges. I’m a baaad hombre. A tremendously bad hombre.

And I probably shouldn’t say this, but… I know where the Lindbergh baby’s buried. Hey, I didn’t kill it, I was just a boy at the time it happened. My dad killed it and I just held the ladder. It was a good thing I was there to hold the ladder or that baby might have fallen!

I probably shouldn’t have said that last part, but the lawyers said I couldn’t lie. You’re not going to trip me up that easily, Fox Mulder.

MUELLER: I’m former FBI head Bob Mueller, Mr. President, not Fox Mulder from the X-files.

TRUMP: Oh thank God it’s not Fox Mulder! That guy is really good with conspiracies! You mean I’ve been sweating it all this time for some guy named Bob Mueller? I don’t know who that is. I’ve never seen him on any shows, and I watch a lot of TV. I mean a truly amazing and tremendous amount of TV. Well, that explains why I haven’t seen Scully. She’s smart and sexy, like my daughter. The hot one, I mean.

But Fox Mulder? You know, it seems tio me that if Mulder just got on the internet for a few minutes, he could look up the information for himself and see that flying saucers are real. Because there’s like, three thousand physical trace evidence cases of UFOs that have been investigated and documented. And tens of millions of first-hand eyewitness statements and testimony, photographs, film and video, radar recordings, and Pentagon releases of classified military incidents and encounters with UFOs.

And I guess somehow this Mulder guy, who is supposed to be the FBI agent in charge of all this UFO stuff, somehow missed that in 2002 The French government, one of our most trusted NATO allies, released a position paper from the Defense Ministry that concluded that UFOs are extremely advanced extraterrestrial technology that poses a serious threat to national and world security, a threat that can violate our airspace at will, and for which we have no defense. But Mulder? He’s got a poster on the wall in his office that says “I WANT TO BELIEVE”. He’s more incompetent and unqualified for the job than I am!

Anyway, Mueller is it? Nice to meet you, Mr. Mueller, I’m guilty of treason. Extremely, very guilty of treason. You know, I’ve still got the gun I killed JFK with. Me and Ted Cruz’ dad.. It’s still got my fingerprints on it, too. But you’re never going to find it. Never in a million years will you ever find it. It is so well hidden, so fantastically hidden, that there is literally no possible way for you to ever find it. It’s buried four feet directly under the ninth hole on the Mar a Lago golf course. See? Not going to catch me lying.

Can I just say I am the Manchurian Candidate? Because you’re not going to trip me up! I’m a stable genius. You know, people say my mind… That’s what they say. They look at me and I hear them whisper “His mind..” and they just sort of trail off, and shake their heads in a shocked and horrified way. I think that means they’re impressed.

Anyway, next question, Mr. Mulder. By the way, that was very brave of you and Scully to fight that swamp monster during the hurricane in that abandoned motel. I’d have run, that was very scary. Like, Scooby-Doo scary.

MUELLER: <sighs audibly, takes off glasses, closes his eyes, and pinches the bridge of his nose> Yes, We had quite a time with that swamp monster. And the one we’re after today.

TRUMP: I think you actually beat The Apprentice in the ratings with that swamp monster episode. But I can’t lie, we were losing to Urkel reruns on Nick at Nite. But I’m a TV star, a big stable genius TV star - won Presidency - first try!!! Except for the time I ran in 2000 for President as the Reform Party candidate and lost - which I do not remember! So technically, I’m not lying when I say I won on the first try. Next question, Scully.

MUELLER: Mr. Trump could you, in your own words…

TRUMP: Hold on - in my own words? Yes! I do that all the time, I use my own words that I made up myself, like ‘bigly’ and ‘yuge’. I have the best words. I own a dictionary, and I don’t know if you know about dictionaries, but they have many, many words, like probably most of the words there are, you can find in a dictionary. But they’re very boring to read because they bunch they words together by whatever the first letter is, for some strange reason. Makes for a tough read, I quit by the time I hit ‘Aardvark’. Very strange book. I’ll go see the movie if they make one, it’ll have everything in there! You know, a lot of my words aren’t even in the dictionary, that’s how good they are , they can’t keep up! I also own a thesaurus. I own the best thesaurus, the Thesaurus Rex. Thats the king of the Thesauruses. I’m lucky to have one, they went extinct a long long time ago. In a galaxy far far away. You know words are just made up of letters. You arrange them and they make words. Although sometimes they don’t make words, like that little guy Superman foung, that midget from another dimension, what was his name? Mr Mxyzptlk? That’s not a word, it makes no sense, I tried to pronounce that one all through my 30’s.  So yes, I will tell you in my own words. That I’m guilty of treason.

MUELLER: Well, I…

TRUMP: I should probably be court-martialed or something, or at the very least fired. Ooo! Can I fire myself? I’m very good at firing people, I used to do it for ratings. Well, I still do, kinda. I want to do it, I’ll look into a mirror and say “You’re Fired!” it’ll be great. No, we’ll do like a two camera shoot, where we’ll film me once getting fired and then another shot where I’m firing me. Like in the Six-Million Dollar Man where he fought his exact replica? Or when Captain Kirk fought the imposter Captain Kirk? Or any one of those TV shows where the guy fights the exact replica of himself, but you only see the back of the one guy’s head, because it’s obviously a stuntman who only slightly resembles the guy? I think the guy Captain Kirk was fighting was Salvadoran, but what can you do, they had a limited budget.

Mr. Mulder, let me just say this: I’m going to build a wall. Between myself and the Justice Department. It’s going to be a big, beautiful wall, like, yuge, and you’re going to be on one side of it, and I’m going to be on the other side. Because I’m thinking about fleeing to Mexico. Lots of bad hombres there, they’ll never notice one more.

MUELLER: Now tell me about this secret meeting between the Russians and Donald Trump, Jr.

TRUMP: Donald Trump, Jr.? Never heard of him. Doesn’t sound familiar, sorry. Is that anything like Carls Jr.? Because I like to eat lunch there. I’m scared of being poisoned by some unknown poison, so I go there where I know the poisons I’m getting.

I never heard of this Donald Trump Jr. fellow in my life, believe me. Believe me. And you know who you should always believe? A guy who’s always begging for someone to believe him, because no one ever does. Nope, never heard of this Donald Trump Jr.. But if he’s anything like me, he’s guilty of treason. Not as guilty as me, though, Believe me.

Most treasonous President ever! You know, in his whole eight years in office, Obama never came close to being the least bit treasonous. I guess he was too busy out on the golf course, playing golf like, one-tenth as much as I do. And still I have time for the treason. I can play ten times the golf Obama did and commit ten times the treason, that’s how effective I am. You know Mar a Lago is a Spanish word, it means “Lake of Treasons”. It where we all hang out and commit treason. It’s on the menu at the restaurant. “Hmm..I’ll start with the subterfuge.. A side of sedition.. And for the entree, I’m going to go with the treason.”

MUELLER: Mr. Trump, there have been recent questions as to your mental state. On more than one occasion you’ve referred to yourself publicly as a stable genius. Now, I’m not aware of a single instance where an actual genius ever once referred to themselves as a genius. Not in public, not in their memoirs, not in the heat of passion, never. It seems the one defining trait of an actual genius is never calling themselves a genius. In fact, only yourself and Wile E. Coyote have ever used the term ‘genius’ self-referentially.

And Wile E. Coyote was not a genius, he couldn’t even eat a bird despite having a limitless budget and access to defense industry-grade weaponry. He had state of the art advanced technology weapons that would put Tesla to shame. You know, rail guns, particle beams, and still couldn’t eat that goddamn bird. For a fraction of what he spent on any of those super- electro magnets that could pull an ocean liner out of the Pacific Ocean a thousand miles inland to the Arizona desert, he could have eaten every damn bird he wanted. He could have had them delivered roasted. Every day. For just a fraction of what he spent on tech in any given episode. Where was his money coming from, by the way? Paul Manafort? I’m going to have to look into that.

TRUMP: I don’t know about any of that, all I know is I’m guilty of treason. You know Melania hates me, right? Even before she found out I was banging a porn star while she was having my kid, whatever his name is. Schuyler, maybe? Anyway. I’ve been finding shards of glass in my porridge. Melania swears it’s a Hungarian recipe. That’s why I’m always eating KFC, I’m not scared of being poisoned by spies, I’m scared of being poisoned by a trophy wife.

MUELLER: Well, I have just one last question, on a lighter note. In your experience which was harder to win; The Presidency of the United States, or Celebrity Apprentice?

TRUMP: That’s an easy one - without a doubt - Celebrity Apprentice. You just look at the major talent and intellect that it took to win the Celebrity Apprentice: We had that Piers guy who got fired from CNN like ten minutes later. I think L’il John made it to the finals. Look, it takes country and western singers and Joan Rivers to win Celebrity Apprentice, but an insane, incompetent asshole like me can be President. So what does that tell you?

You know, Lou Ferrigno almost won. And I almost made him Secretary of Defense. My plan was, we sneak him into North Korea, as part of the negotiations, then we get him mad! We just get him mad, he turns into the Hulk, big, bang, boom, he kills L’il Kim. Kim jong Il? Kim Jong Dead. And look at it, the worse thing is he nukes us, but then we have an army of new Hulks from the radiation. Win/win, Scully.

MUELLER: Wow. Why don’t we break for lunch.

TRUMP: Sounds good. By the way, did I tell you…

MUELLER: I know, I know, you’re guilty of treason. But I knew that already.