#but in all seriousness just for sillies. wanted to see my progress this year :) its ok i think. i do really want to go back to lineart.

[bingobongobonko]

a review for ME. total rating. 6/10. good coloring, better understanding of color theory n stuff, no longer strictly sticking to lineart. not enough hassan de ruyter. that is all...

[lynnsenpai]

My ten year anniversary of beating cancer

On October 2nd 2014, I - a trans woman - was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I wanna talk about that a little today. (((Probably obvious trigger warnings, but I'm going to talk about cancer, mortality, and transphobia.)))

It was a crazy time, because that morning, I was just going in for my yearly physical with my doctor. I planned to talk to her about taking steps towards bottom surgery that day, and then I was just excited to get home and count down the hours until Smash Bros for 3DS would release the very next day. But the appointment went an unexpected direction during the physical.

I'd always been told by doctors my whole life to check for lumps, and as much as I hated that part of my body, I did as I was told. So when I never found lumps, I assumed that meant I was okay. Then my doctor told me one of them felt oddly hard. She left the room for some time (I assume to check some things) and when she returned, she explained she had some concerns and was sending to another specialist to confirm some things. She said she felt very sure it was a sign of testicular cancer, though.

At the time, my brain wasn't ready to hear that. My doctor was visibly shaken. My spouse was on the verge of tears. And I was deep in denial like, "but I mean there's a chance it might not be, right? So I'm not going to sweat it." In hindsight, I'm sure I was frustrating to listen to for not taking it seriously. But it wasn't like I was trying to be obstinate, I just was that strongly in disbelief. I didn't feel sick. I wasn't in any pain. Things were going well; this couldn't possibly be happening now.

And yet, a few days later, I saw the specialist, and it was confirmed. I had cancer. Any optimistic doubts I had, shot down in an instant. The specialist wanted to take care of this as fast as he could, so I was scheduled for surgery at the end of the month, and he gave me a stack of prescriptions for various tests I would go to - basically one a day - for the next few weeks.

I had lots of blood drawn. I had x-rays done. I had CT scans. I had an incredibly awkward, uncomfortable ultrasound. And at each appointment, I was seeing some new doctor, nurse, technician, or otherwise professional who probably looked at my chart and, despite my legally changed name and gender marker by that point, saw that the person in front of them had testicular cancer. “And such a person could only be a man.”

I feel like it must sound so petty to be worried about pronouns when you're dealing with something like cancer. But I want to stress that I was nearly a year in presenting full time as myself by that point. I hadn't been called a man in a very long time. And up until earlier that very month, I was on cloud nine and ready to take the next step in my transition. This whole ordeal, on top of being horrendously scary, also took huge strides in regressing all the progress I'd made with confidence and self-love over the previous two years.

And it got worse too. Insurance refused to cover the surgery because I changed the gender marker. Because "why would a woman need to get surgery to remove a testicle. That's just silly!" And there was no convincing them otherwise. Insult to injury, I had to change that gender marker back to an M in their system so that they would approve this surgery. It was a surprisingly easy change to make happen too (which was technically beneficial for the surgery, but also sucked in its own way).

Oh, and then I had to go off all my HRT meds in preparation to reduce the risk of blood clots during surgery. I never felt lower.

All the while, I had plenty of time to think about my mortality. I was only 30. What about my spouse who I love more than anything and might be leaving alone forever? What about my ongoing webcomic, my work of passion which at the time was only nearing about the halfway point, and was at risk of being left unfinished forever? And what about my own future that not so long ago felt so bright?

It would not be an understatement to call October 2014 one of the darkest, heaviest, scariest periods of my life. But not in that good fun "Halloweeny" way.

But the big day came. On October 28th - ten years ago today - I went in for surgery for the first time. I was in the OR for maybe an hour, and the cancerous testicle was removed. As suddenly as it started, it was over.

Recovery was a long and painful (without dragging out the story longer than it already is, the surgical site got infected, so healing probably ended up taking longer than it should have). But the good news, all things considered, was that they successfully removed it, and I wouldn't even need chemo because it was caught so early.

There's technically more to the story. I would later see an oncologist who encouraged a second surgery, to remove the other testicle, as well as lymph nodes around the kidneys, all as a preventative measure to make sure it didn't come back or spread. I didn't love this idea, but she seemed confident that this was the right choice, so I went along with it. And just four months after the first surgery, I went and did it all again. (This time went much more smoothly, but was a much bigger incision, and was still a very long recovery.)

The whole thing, start to finish - including recovery time - was only about 7 months long. I would go for regular oncology visits and testing and blood draws along the way for years to come, but it never showed up again.

In 2016, I finally got back on track for bottom surgery, and then had it done later that same year. My gender marker is back to being an F (where it should be) on everything. I also have two wicked cool scars to show that I conquered cancer.

Unfortunately, I don't think I ever fully mentally recovered from the emotional stress of that first month, as doctor visits still evoke way more anxiety for me than they used to. But I don't get misgendered anymore, at least.

This was all ten years ago I wasn't sure I'd still be here on this day back then. But I got through it. I'm still here for my spouse. I finished that first webcomic after an 11 year run, and have since started a second. And… I'm doing okay. I'm doing the best I can everyday.

It was a terrible time in my life - an especially terrible way to start my 30's - but I think it helps to talk about from time to time. And the ten year anniversary, feels as meaningful a time as any.

So thank you for reading all that. Please make sure to take care of and check yourself. Even if it's a part of yourself you don't want.

Stay safe, stay happy, and stay healthy everyone.

[stilljuststardust]

"Married to misery" why it's so hard to let go of the old story.

Disclaimer: Nothing I'm saying is meant as a criticism. I am able to see this in other people because I've seen it in myself.

Before I get into any of this know that you don't have to constantly feel positive emotions in order to shift or manifest. This post is not asking you to magically cure yourself or anything of the sort. I am asking you to be open to the new story. You don't have to feel happy to do that.

Also see: "you don't need toxic positivity to manifest or to shift"

Stepping into the old story is uncomfortable because so many of us don't how to validate our emotions without telling ourselves that we're just "doomed to suffer" or that our suffering makes our journey special.

I am going to be sharing my own experience on this because I want people to know they aren't alone and other people have gone through it and come out the otherside.

I won't describe my exact mental state but know it would've required some trigger warnings. To anyone worried, no this wasn't recent, it was a while ago. Hopefully the insight I gained in myself can shed some light for you.

I was seriously mentally ill for years and what I realized coming out of it is that though I may have craved happiness, I rejected happiness as a concept, because it was uncomfortable, it didn't feel safe or familiar.

I would say that I wanted it all day long but in action I actively fought the idea that it didn't have to be this way. I was infuriated by the notion of change.

To make progress I realized that wanting had to be more than craving but the willingness to accept it as a possibility and the openness to change.

The hardest part of letting go of the old story was letting go of the ways I had used it to validate my personal pain because I didn't know how to without it. Being reminded that things could get better often felt invalidating because I was terrified of not being taken seriously for my suffering.

"I feel awful and I don't like how often I'm feeling it" often leads us into thinking "nothing is ever going to work for me", but it's important to ground ourselves and realize that feeling like shit is not divine undeniable proof that it isn't going to work.

I think it's hard to help people break free of negative mindsets because for many people it immediately leads to a sense of shame and therefore defensiveness.

So many people grow up in environments where their feelings are not validated or taken seriously and as a result do not know the difference between recognizing the role we play in our own suffering and blaming ourselves for said suffering.

The statements "Its not your fault" and "you have the power to change" can and DO coexist.

When you grow up being told your feelings are silly and meaningless you may fall into feeling as if you have to justify and defend your own suffering.

Recognizing the ways we ourselves have fed into it is often a painful experience because it reignites old feelings of shame and hurt.

What people want is to be seen and understood in their suffering. When they don't receive that from others they often default to romanticizing it, telling themselves their pain makes them better, or different, or that pain is in some way beautiful or important as a way to cope.

And honestly realizing that it's not beautiful or unique and that it isn't bettering you in any way can be hard because sometimes it's the only way we know to rationalize it.

But pain isn't inherently beautiful or virtuous, it's just pain.

You don't have to worsen your suffering to be witnessed in it. I see you, I recognize how much you're hurting. Your problems matter to me.

You don't have to prove your suffering for it to be real.

When I finally recognized this mindset within myself is when everything finally changed.

I am not "doomed by the narrative" I'm the fucking author and I will find happiness no matter what because I fucking said so.

Make no mistake, I don't have a good mindset because of luck I have it out of spite. I will have exactly what I want because fuck anyone who told me otherwise.

I promise you CAN manifest. Let go of the idea that you're fighting an uphill battle. You don't have to be.

This is the law of assumption, if you assume that your manifestation journey is long and treacherous, it will be.

[goodluckclove]

After spending like five years in the local San Jose standup scene, including running a mic for a while before I moved, I'm absolutely all for asking people to explain jokes.

It doesn't matter anymore if you're a comedian or any kind of writer. If I ask someone to explain a joke they made and they can't tell me why at least THEY think it's funny, it's a bad joke.

Humor is subjective, yeah. I love a bunch of British sketch comedy shows that my wife find uninteresting to grating. At the same time, I can easily explain why I laugh at the Argument Clinic sketch from Monty Python every time I hear it.

The banter is quick and clever and the premise starts silly and only gets progressively more ridiculous. It's goofy. Its probably my favorite Monty Python sketch.

There, see? You might not like Monty Python, but at least I'm able to explain why I find it appealing.

If you ask someone to explain a joke and you aren't immediately combative about it, I do not see a reason for them to flat out refuse. They can admit that they don't know. Understandable if you've never seriously considered the reasoning behind the things you say. But if the response is defensive or suddenly explosively aggressive, that's not a great sign of it being an actual joke. That kind of just sounds like something they want to say out loud, and they're labeling it as a "joke" to skirt conflict or consequence.

Or they're flat out scalping a bit from like some meme or TikTok or whatever. It's not the worst crime you can do, but it is pretty lame. Right before I quit the mic I was hosting I watched a man go up and kill doing legitimately five minutes of Brian Regan standup. I only caught it because I'm a huge fan of Regan and recognized a joke. It's not a crime against humanity or whatever, but even though it's not as shitty in life as it is in comedy I still find it odd and off-putting.

Also I lied about my favorite Monty Python sketch it's actually the Bookshop Sketch from one of their records, which apparently isn't TECHNICALLY a Python sketch but still blew my mind when I first heard it at like 15.

[wwillywonka]

wwillywonka's Interests

(links are in red)

-here is my super long, super detailed list of the things i blog about. if you read the whole thing, you're amazing and i love you. thanks<33 -a more comprehensive list of my interests can be found here. i update it often. -please for the love of god do yourself a favour and listen to blooms by arthur sharpe

Willy Wonka/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

special interest since 2014

read my ongoing willy character study fic here

my willy playlist

beside the original dahl books, the 2005 movie is the best and most superior version. i believe this with my whole body, mind, and soul and cannot be convinced otherwise.

other favorite versions of canon: gareth snook on the recent uk tour, gene wilder (of course). see gareth snook’s take on willy’s character here

i have consumed every single piece of wonka related media/content that is reasonably available to the public including horrible elementary school productions on youtube and random college theses. i consider myself the foremost expert about anything and everything regarding willy and can get defensive if that is challenged. i am also aware that i take this way too seriously considering willy is just a silly little fucked up guy who forever ruined my taste in men in my preteens. but i stand by my opinions.

i’ve also been writing a very self-indulgent willy x oc (ross able) fic for nearing 4 years now and have yet to publish it in any capacity. that being said, i tend to talk about it in tags for my own reference, so if you’re ever curious to know more, feel free to ask<3.

i do not support roald dahl, tim burton, or johnny depp in any way. their existences are entirely separate from my enjoyment of catcf. bigotry and prejudice are not tolerated on this blog.

i think the prequel is fine but unnecessary. it’s so whatever to me that i sometimes forget it exists.

i am literally charlie bucket (so obsessed with willy wonka that my parasocial need to be in a weird friendship with him is all-consuming and the only thing that keeps me going). if you ship any of the literal children ticket winners with willy, get off my blog.

willy is my specialist girl, a genius inventor evil capitalist, the blorbo i spin around in my brain 24/7 and want to put in a microwave, my wife, and also the absolute worst guy to ever do it. she is my everything. they’re just a sad gay twink. he’s even bigger than jesus.

Jesus Christ Superstar

the 1973 movie has been one of my favorites since childhood but i became obsessed after seeing the musical on stage in 2023.

yes i connect everything i liked about jcs back to willy and my other fav characters :)

things i write and blog about that are perfectly captured in jcs:

being mortal and being a god are not so different

the line between godhood and celebrityhood being more blurred the further society progresses. both are corruption

toxic, all-consuming co-dependency

sacrificing everything that makes one human for the sake of the “greater good”; becoming unrecognisable, becoming a monster (metaphorically and/or literally)

faith in something that ultimately betrays

being gay and being supppeerr dramatic about it

Alice in Wonderland

i love all versions but have a soft spot for the 2010 movie

fav character: the mad hatter/tarrant hightopp

the 2009 miniseries is weirdly good

alice in wonderland is a war story. to me.

i feel similarly about alice through the looking glass 2016 as i do about wonka 2023

once again, i’ve been writing a fic based off the 2010 movie for years but have yet to publish any part of it. one day, i promise.

Loki

my love for loki started in 2012 when i saw the first avengers movie in theaters but has since grown into a love of norse mythology and its extended history and lore. loki by mevlin burgess is one of my favorite books and is, in my opinion, the best portrayal of the character in recent years. neil gaiman’s norse mythology is also great.

i love tom hiddleston so so so so much<33. he is a phenomenal actor and also a really nice man and deserves so much more recognition than just being “that hot guy who played that villain in marvel.” i recently had the pleasure of sitting in the audience for an interview he did and it was the best day of my entire life. only lovers left alive is one of my favorite movies.

i hate the disney+ show except for the literal last 20 minutes of the last episode which gave me everything i’ve ever wanted out of a loki story.

i used to be really, really, really, extremely into marvel but pretty much stopped caring after endgame (which i feel is the case for a lot of people). that being said, i still love tony stark and spider-man, particularly the toby mcguire movies (cough cough…alfred molina as doc ock <3333).

Star Trek

obsessed with tos and tng, particularly the movies (undiscovered country is my fav!). huge fan of picard. don't really care about the aos movies or a lot of the newer series. i'm also currently watching voyager (janeway is insane i love her).

spent a lot of my nerd life not understanding the appeal until i started watching tng in april 2023 and swiftly became Aware of why it's one of the most famous franchises of all time. also as someone who's super interested in fandom history, particularly queer fandom history, i don't know why i didn't get into trek sooner.

spock is my fav character because he is literally me. i am always crying over him. no one understands spock like i do (<- is exaggerating knowing he is one of the most famous characters in all of pop culture history). we are both mixed race and jewish. we are both autistic and queer. there is literally no other character whose mixed identity is portrayed so well and as such a significant aspect of their story, and i (along with so many others) see so many of the internal conflicts he deals with in myself, particularly when it comes to his relationship with his parents.

sarek's biggest hater. like bestie, YOU married the human.

data is my second fav. mccoy is a close third. picard is a very close fourth. unification pt 1&2 are my fav trek episodes!!!

huge spirk/spones/mcspirk shipper. because duh.

Doctor Who

my favorite show since 2012

fav doctor: capaldi

fav companions/other characters: donna, river, missy/the master. and yes, the tardis

fav episode: heaven sent

murray gold invented music and is everything i aspire to be as a composer

please no moffat discourse i will block you

that being said, chibnall ruined doctor who. jodie whittaker deserved so much better and i do not blame her, an amazing actress, for the horrible writing she had to work with.

currently working my way through classic who and the eu

Other Notable Favorites

Nightmare Before Christmas

Danny Elfman/Oingo Boingo

The Mighty Boosh/Noel Fielding/BritCom

Flowers/Will Sharpe Films

Good Omens

Frankenstein

Shakespeare

Dan and Phil

Adventure Time

Wes Anderson Films

The Beatles

The Picture of Dorian Gray/Oscar Wilde

The Adventure Zone/The McElroys

AURORA

Other Things I Blog About

Robots & cyborgs, dolls

Body segmentation/body horror

Fashion/Fiber Arts

Nostalgia

Clowns

Nature

thanks if you read this far xoxo

[ranposgirlboss]

~HCS FROM MY BOOK!!-PART ONE~

THIS IS MULTIFANDOM!! also most of these are either slander or made for being a silly joke <333 so please don't take this seriously

fandoms: genshin impact, bungou stray dogs, and honkai impact

genre: fluff, slander, and sillies (it progressively gets less and less serious)

enjoy my shitty hcs from like a year ago <333 (they are actually older lol) ALSO ARE EXTREMELY SHORT SINCE IM LITERALLY JUST TAKING WHAT I WROTE WITHOUT CHANGING IT AND PUTTING IT OVER ON HERE LMAOASBHJAS (there's only so much space on paper </3)

chara list!!: albedo, kazuha, xiao, diluc, heizou, fu hua (sentience), scaramouche, aponia, dazai, ranpo, poe, ANDDD nikolai!!

FIRST TIME HOLDING HANDS!!

ALBEDO

-"its all for an experiment" he says

-lil bitch ok sure

-probably gonna study what this feeling is when he holds your hand and "why he feels so warm on the inside"

-acts like he doesnt care that much but bros probably gonna draw yall holding hands like a 13 year old drawing in her diary 💀

KAZUHA

-i love him but

-probably would make a poem about how your hand feels 😭

-he would be so cute tho ngl

-i mean just as always but also like

-please hold his hand he just loves you so much and along with words of affirmation physical contact seems to be his thing

-UGH MARRY ME

XIAO

-"wow y/n when you hold my hand the voices cease their calls for me to go to taco bell, thank you y/n."

-TAKE ME HIGHH AND ILL SINGGGG YOU MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY OHKAY OHKAY OHKAY (if you know that song here's your free kiss <33)

-and then you get married the end

-W H Y D I D I W R I T E T H I S B Y E -

DILUC

-could give less of a shit

-but for the sake of being a gentleman he says thank you and then continues bat manning sillily.

HEIZOU

-"y/n holding hands is cool but i think we should start an investigation of how fast we could make it to my place ;)"

-KILL YOURSELF. (please dont lead the way my silly detective <33)

-this gif makes me want to impulsively eat vanilla cake.

FU HUA

-YAAAATTAAAAA

-*holds hand* look at the beautiful sight ahead of us Y/N! no i did not make that fire-"

-fu hua arsonist era

APONIA

-MOMMY bjnEBHEKHBWJSK

-"y/n holding hands is great but why don't we open our arms and eyes to god"

DAZAI

-I APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY BSD READERS WHO HAVE TO SCROLL THIS FAR JUST TO GET THIS SILLy

-"i can always hold more then your hand~"

-a flirty bitch, but yall got chuuya knocking on your door asking you to "control your dog"

-ironic how chuuya is the one who says that

RANPO

-UGH I LOVE MY SKRUNKLE DOODLE PUSH POP SILLY SKRUNKLY CRUNKLY MUMPLY SILLY (yes i wrote that WORD. FOR. WORD.)

-will hold your hand for payments

-affection?? candy??? candys nuts fit in your mouth because they sure are about to <33 (i want to erase what i write sometimes)

-gets so happy omg

-not only does he have candy, you, but NOW he gets to hold your hand too>!1/!?!?

-wow he might as well steal from a candy store at this point

-might as well

-he swears it was an accident

POE

-poe held your hand with such sweetness, care, tenderness, love, and affection

-karl pulls up in his Mazarati, ready to throw hands once and for all, how DARE someone get more attention then karl

-poe has some explaining to do

-(i wonder how high i was when i wrote these)

-(i think i was 5'5)

NIKOLAI ( I FUCKING LOVE THIS ONE)

-so you go to hold his hand in y/n fashion

-suddenly you almost get hit by a bus

-"shit my bad wrong item"

-you stare in utter confusion at the bus as it suddenly vanishes like a fucking mob from minecraft or some shit

-nikolai god arc confirmed real

-so anyways you suddenly feel warmth on your hand on you see another fucking hand gripping yours but its literally just the hand detached from the body

-you are extremely scared and concerned why there's another hand gripping yours out of nowhere but with nikolai anything is possible so you just accept it and hold his hand back

-he giggles and nikolais away with the hand still holding yours

-(I ASKED HOW HIGH I WAS WHEN I WROTE THE LAST ONE BUT WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING HERE.)

----------------------------------

the voices

ALOS THNAK YOU FOR READING THIS PIECE OF SHIT IM SORRY. SHE WAS ME FROM A YEAR AGO I DONT KNOW HER 😭

alos my reqs are always open

I ALSO APOLOGIZE FOR THE TAGS

[theteapotofdoom]

I no longer follow bnha, but I still think about something good all the time. its so far removed from the source material at this point that in my mind they're not the league of villains anymore, they're just The Gang, and they're ready to get into all sorts of shenanigans together. that fanfiction seriously deserves fanfiction of its own. also I will never listen to take on me in the same way again. thank you for everything

This message has been in my inbox for a long time now, and it took SO LONG to answer because 1) I was off Tumblr for a while and mostly 2) this message genuinely moved me to tears and I didn't quite know how to handle it.

Thank you so much! Thank you so much for this sweet message! I'm so touched because this is very close to how I feel about Something Good and MHA. I'm still in the fandom, but I'm not as involved as I was a few years back. I wrote the SG premice back in 2018. Every month, it gets further and further away from canon as the story progresses, but DAMN, I'm still determined to finish it and share this silly little story with everyone who is still interested in reading it.

You're right! They're just The Gang to me too. This is one of the reasons that it's taking me longer and longer to update. On the one hand, I consider them to be Original Characters at this point, and it makes the experience a lot more fun in many ways. But on the other hand, I'm still aware that people are reading the fic to read about their favourite characters, the characters from MHA, and I will occasionally get super worried about the fic being way too different and way too OOC for anyone to truly enjoy it, and so I will stress and won't write for months.

So it's actually REALLY lovely and moving to know that some people feel the same way and don't mind it!!! It's really cool to know that you can still enjoy this story with them as "The Gang" doing their own things in a universe that vaguely resembles the one from the manga.

I try to see it as the best of both worlds. It's MHA but also its own thing! It's the LOV but also The Gang! (And as a side note, I want it out and public that you are more than welcome to expend on the SG universe if that's something you'd like to do! Art, fics, headcanons, shit pots, go wild!)

And of course, as I keep saying, this was always a Take One Me propaganda first and shigadabi fic second ;)

So THANK YOU dear anon for this message and for everything! I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. Like I said, I was literally just in shock for months, because this little message means a whole lot to me :D

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[thatneilj]

Game of the Year 2018

Originally posted January 2019

2018 was a real busy one for me. Got a new job, finally started seeing a chiropractor again, and tried to deal with the bureaucracy surrounding immigration. Let me tell you, that last one is stressful as all hell and is also a big part of why this article took so long to get posted. Another large part of the delay is because of one of the games on this list. While I played quite a few games this year, these were the top 5.

Honorables

Bayonetta 2

Yes, this game did originally come out in 2014, but I didn’t play it at that time. This year, however, it came out on the Nintendo Switch, and I got to it. I love the silly cutscenes, the fast-paced action, and the entire style of the game. So, yeah, looking forward to number 3!

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

Everyone is here! And so is a substantially bigger single-player adventure mode than I had expected. In a lot of ways, Smash is still that fun party game I had all the hype for in the N64, but in a lot of other ways it has just gotten… too crazy for me. I still have a blast with it, but I seriously have no idea what is going on half the time when items are turned on.

Deltarune

Undertale was a wonderful adventure through a world inhabited by monsters. Deltarune, even though Toby Fox denies it, feels like it is taking place either before the worlds were split or after the pacifist ending. It is only the first Chapter making it a much smaller experience than its predecessor, but the ways that the combat systems evolve and the cliff hanger ending has me itching for more.

5. Yoku’s Island Express

I have always enjoyed playing pinball. I am not great at it, but hitting up the local arcade and playing whatever table was there never disappointed. I have also had a long running love of Metroid style games, be they 2D platformers or something else. It is the base structure of those games that hooks me so much; gain new ability, use that ability to reach new places. It grants a sense of progression that boosting your strength score never can.

Yoku’s Island Express managed to blend pinball with the structure and progression of an action-exploration game. I love it. It has goofy music that makes you want to smile, an aesthetic that successfully blends cartoony and functional, and some frankly solid pinball tables connected throughout the world. And let’s be honest, how could the game that made me a speedrunner not make my top 5?

4. Into the Breach

In 2012 a little Kickstarter game was released by Subset Games called FTL: Faster Than Light. It was a run-based game where you managed a spaceship as it fled an oppressive military culminating in a fight against the flagship at the end. It ended up being a pretty fantastic game and had me really interested to see what they would do next. Well, what they did next blows FTL out of the water.

Into the Breach is often called a tactics game, but really it is more of a puzzle game. Like FTL, it is run-based, but instead of managing a spaceship, you control 3 mecha on an 8x8 battlefield. The objective isn’t to defeat the enemies, but to protect the buildings and maintain the power grid from destruction. Each map is randomized and sometimes have bonus objectives, like protecting a train that moves each turn. The reason it is more a puzzle game is because you get perfect information about all the actions that the enemies will take each turn. It makes each turn an individual puzzle to solve that will influence the next. Did you move a mech into a corner to save a building? Could mean you don’t have the movement to save them all on the next turn.

What’s even better is that the tools each mech team has causes you to solve the puzzle in completely different ways. The electric whip robot forces you to find ways to push the opponents together allowing you to deal chain damage to the group and stop the flood from becoming too much, while a team of rust buckets deploy smoke all across the battlefield to turn off or limit all the spaces the enemies can try to use. The goal of the puzzle is always the same, but the details and approach lead to so many unique scenarios. And when you fail… I guess it’s time to take your favorite pilot and jump to a different timeline. Maybe this time you can save some people.

3. Dead Cells

Dead Cells hit early access during May of 2017. I saw a bit of it near that time and thought it looked really cool; the kind of cool I definitely wanted to check out myself, but figured I should probably wait until the full game was released. While it took until August of 2018 for that to happen, it was well worth the wait.

Dead Cells is kind of like Rogue Legacy turned up to 11. They are both 2D-platformer rogue-likes with randomly generated areas to run through. Both have some persistent upgrades for your character granting new mobility options. And both have some pretty tough bosses to overcome. Dead Cells also draws from games like Binding of Isaac with many of its item unlocks, though. Each run will be seeded with random weapons and support tools from the items you’ve unlocked. This makes every attempt unique through the interesting combinations you find and makes you approach combat in different ways.

And, oh boy, that combat! It is blistering fast, with the visuals bursting with color among the mayhem. The controls always feel perfectly snappy, like you need them to be, allowing the game’s brutal nature towards the player to never feel unfair. The speed of control they give you and the clarity of visual information, even through chaos of a large scale fight, means that when I die, it always feels like my fault. I made a mistake, and I will do better… next time.

2. Monster Hunter World

Until the last week of 2018, this game was probably an honorable mention at best. It has DNA from a lot that I love; the preparation of the Witcher, intricate move-sets of a fighting game, a sprinkle of Shadow of the Colossus, and even a splash of Phantasy Star Online multiplayer. But something just didn’t come together for me… until Christmas.  After a couple months away from the game, I experimented with some new weapons, and it all clicked. Damn, this game is great – and in no small part the reason it has taken me so long to finish writing this article.

The basic structure of the game is to go on quests to hunt a large beast, and to use the materials gathered from the beast to upgrade your weapons and armor, which allows you to take on even bigger beasts. The creatures inhabit beautifully rendered zones ranging from a beachside forest to miasma-filled caverns. Each area intricately is put together to capture a naturalistic sense of a space filled with small details of insects and plants. And the monsters breathe extra life into them, inhabiting these places as a habitat rather than a fighting arena. They will use the swamps to protect themselves with mud and have nests they will flee to when they get scared. The targets you hunt are given so much care in their animations and mannerisms, they bridge into feeling like real creatures. Even now, with over 100 hours in the game, I find myself choosing to catch a Tobi-Kadachi (a giant, electric flying squirrel) rather than slay it, because when I see it trying to limp away making pained moans rather than aggressive screams, it feels true to a real animal.

Choosing your weapons is where I made my mistake the first time around. This was my first Monster Hunter game, and I picked a weapon that I’ve since seen described as “the most complex weapon to be good with.” The amount of variance between all 14 weapons is wildly cool, and each one has unique and interesting move-sets. I generally like to be light on my feet and dodging around, but now I find myself having fun with playstyles I wouldn’t have dreamed of hooking me. The Gunlance, which forces me to walk like I’ve got those giant prison weights attached to my ankles, has turned into one of my favorite playstyles!

To top it all off, you can explore and hunt and do all of this with your friends. Assuming you have both watched the cutscenes for the story missions, and are friends on the platform without trying to make the game private, and… Ok, there are some pretty big missteps in some of the multiplayer functionality. From what I hear, this one is such a leap forward in that respect I cannot even imagine the hoops people must have been jumping through in the old games.

1. Celeste

Sometimes a game comes along that feels like it was made just for you. Celeste is, for me, one of those games. It is a game that grants me the 2D platforming challenges I loved growing up, and follows it up with one of the most relatable narratives I’ve experienced in gaming.

The game begins with an overarching goal to climb this mountain and a few small pits to teach you the verbs you’ve got in this game; jump, climb, dash. With these limited tools you then take Madeline through 7 chapters of extremely well designed zones, each with their own mechanics to interact with and secrets to find. Not to mention the incredible music put together by Lena Raine that can be haunting, empowering, and absolutely beautiful. As you progress you also meet a few other characters and begin to see that the game is more than just a journey to the top.

The game is about climbing a mountain, sure, but it is also about living with anxiety, self-doubt, depression, and failure. What makes it work so well is that, while the mountain is a big metaphor, the developers at Matt Makes Games are not afraid to get specific and raw about the emotional states Madeline goes through. It comes up early as she argues with a physical embodiment of the part of her she struggles with, but stays grounded as she makes a phone call to her mother to help with feeling overwhelmed. This is all by the end of Chapter 2, before an opportunity arises to have Theo become more than just a goof with an Instagram. Before having to take some deep reflections on how to actually get to the summit.

Once you complete the narrative, the game is far from over. For those who also adore the base mechanics of the game, they give you an epilogue chapter, extra hard obstacles courses themed to each zone, and even reveal actions your base tools gave you access to that only need to be engaged with in these challenges. These B-sides and C-side levels also come with amazing remixes of each chapter’s music from many other talented musicians. Seriously, listen to this stunning remix by in love with a ghost (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgDYV_IbPuo).

The only thing I can say gave me pause from loving every moment of this game was the cloud platforms. Those things did drive me up a bit of a wall at times. The fact is, Celeste looks, feels, and sounds wonderful. It tells a story that is easy to connect with and surprisingly powerful. And it all started with a message everyone could stand to hear a little more often.

You can do this.

[weziu]

any advice on how to start reading again? I feel like it's so hard to get into a book at first. I enjoy them buy its always so hard to start and I find myself preferring my phone 😔 I can't bring myself to read more than mangas or manhwas or comics

hiii! first of all thank u for sending this ask i love talking about reading....

I used to really force myself to read because I wanted to read more. I learnt that reading isn't really something you can force yourself to do. It's like any other hobby, and by forcing yourself to pick up a book and read it, you're basically doing something you don't actually want to. for example, i read 29 books this year so far - and if you were to look at my progress you'd see that i read 3 books in jan, 1 book in feb, started another book in the middle of feb and only finished it a month after. read 4 in april. 7 in may. 10 in june and so far 3 in august (at the start of the month. I didnt read anything since maybe, the 9th.) During feb til april i was really really hard on myself for not reading and lost all motivation to. it's kind of a funny cycle, i dont read, i get mad at myself, i lose motivation, and because i lose motivation i dont read. first advice would probably be that if youre in this mindset that you need to read more, just remember that forcing yourself to do your hobbies is sometimes the wrong way to go about it, and a lot of the time will make you enjoy it less. this isn't for a job or an essay. it's for your personal enjoyment and nothing is wrong with not reading for a while, or taking a while to read, or just forgetting about reading books and doing other shit.

about it being hard to start - you can see that i started reading way more in may. before that whenever i thought about reading a book i just thought how bothersome and how much energy opening a book and actually reading is. i seriously started thinking too much about how i cant be bothered to open a book. during may i kind of understood that going into this overthinking is just bullshit and if i think that i should read a book, i should just do it, open a book without thinking about it too much, and i end up actually reading. the second you see a book and youre thinking oh, i should read, just immediately do it so your brain wont go down the line of how hard it is to actually start. this might sound silly but i really cant describe how much it helped me to read again. just shut your brain out and do it.

about preferring manga or comics - this month especially i mostly read comics, barely touched a book since the start of the month. it also happened before (with games or shows, for example) where i could not get into books because other media seemed way more inviting. its not like. bad or wrong to admit that reading can be more tiring or less inviting than other forms of entertainment. (just to clarify I seriously dont mean this in a bad way. not saying it's not for you. in my opinion this is just. a fact.) especially because books are more of a straightforward thing and things like manga or games give you other aspects of storytelling like art, which can make the experience more fun. I think reading as an hobby comes for you and for me and anyone else from a geniune place of love for writing and books, and it's my favorite form of storytelling and media. remembering that love and the books you enjoyed can also help. So anyways. i think that the best way to counter this that i found is you need to look at genres you enjoy in other media and transfer it into books. theres a lot of books. a lot. theres bound to be a book that has similar themes to genres you usually enjoy. if you want you can give me some genres you like and i can try my best to give you some suggestions (i can't promise anything lol.) at the start of the month i found myself really wanting to go into some nonfiction (i enjoy nonfiction a lot) but i really really couldnt get myself to because i wasnt feeling it. and thats okay! again there are a lot of different books and instead i ended up picking up some ya fantasy (i did not like it at all and eventually hated it) but i could really get into it because i was reading comics and was watching this one show (i stopped in the middle of it eventually) and i thought that wow. i need something that has the action and elements of fantasy that comics have. or look at other books you loved. and like you said when you get into them, you start enjoying it. to sum this up i think it can be trial and error. you can start a book (without thinking too much) and find that you seriously cant get into it. it's okay to put it aside and try another book. especially because books are very time and energy consuming so. what i do is if i dont enjoy a book i just stop im not hard with myself on that. Anyways.

about distractions - i really struggle with this as well. when i start a book i can find myself reaching for my phone or just. stopping. i don't really know how to give good advice for this. personally i dont use this method but setting a goal for yourself to read for a certain time a day or until a certain page might help if youre big on wanting to not disappoint yourself. i dont know. sometimes i want to read and i just get really really into the book and reading which is how i ended up reading 10 books in june. and sometimes it's a matter of self-discpline with not wanting to stop. and self-discpline is like a muscle u train and i seriously didn't even have any but sometimes it helps. but!!!!! if you gen don't feel like reading it's okay! like i said forcing yourself to read isn't always what you should do! but if you really do want to read the book sometimes it can be good to make yourself a little focused. but thats all in the head. for actual things to help this mindset i just put my phone where i cant reach it if i really cant help myself. putting it on do not disturb really really helps in my opinion because i just forget it exists and that seriously helps me. to be 100% if i dont have energy to read a book ill probably wont have energy to be on tiktok/twitter/tumblr or anything else so i just choose to go back to the book because I seriously really really hate phones and computers a crazy amount. also just another advice you can go to parks or the library and it really helps there. part because i can focus and sometimes if it's hard i still end up reading because just sitting on your phone while youre in the library in front of old librarians and other people it's just humiliating to scroll online.

I want to write a tldr but i cant really. hope this essay might help at least a bit! again reading is something you love and to get into reading just remember the love you hold for books you like and the act of reading. love is what fuels us. lol

have a good day ^_^

[the-anonymous-vent-blog]

this feels so silly to come to vent blog but here i am lol

i feel like i'm never going to grow out of my insecurity. i'm not insecure in the way i see it portrayed with everyone else. i'm fourteen and if these are what hormones are like i don't think i can do it. i've always had anger issues, i've always been sensitive and i've always been unhealthily jealous but as i've entered teenagehood, it's only gotten worse.

i'm constantly, always lashing out at the people i love and getting angry at them whenever they call me out on it. i hold onto grudges even weeks after the incident has passed and tell other people about it as if it just happened to make myself seem like the bigger, better person. i form wickedly strong attachments to people that i've just met and create such unrealistic standards of who they'll be that when they inevitably don't meet them i come apart at the seams and feel like my life is over and i need to take drastic measures for two weeks, then i lose the attachment and form an arguably worse obsession where i'm bitter and angry and jealous and want nothing but the worst for them but they dont feel nearly as vividly as i do so i feel stupid and it creates this cycle that im really fucking sick of because i've never met anyone who loves or hates as strongly as i do and i feel like im going crazy

i am such an awful person because of my insecurity and i hate myself for it

it's been so long and i'm so young and i know yo7 cant get rid of insecurity overnight andnit's a "self-love" thing but i'm really, really suffering. i wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. i have periods of time where i'm good, i feel really fucking fantastic and i don't care about other people and online shit and i think "i was just being dramatic, im actually fine" and then something small happens and i fall apart all over again and it gets worse every time

i dont even know what to do. im sorry if this is too much to put on a vent blog, please ignore this if it is im just feeling weird and it's 9pm and thats probably why im so emotional right now i just want to know im not alone

🍎

Alright first things first- never base your perception of anything on the way books or shows, any kind of story made for entertainment, portrays them. They can help if the team making them is particularly attentive, but they little inherent benefit to being accurate.

Good news- It isn't just hormones. Yes, hormones can make your issues worse and cause instability, but there is always something you can do to fix this problem by your own hand.

Additionally, you just happen to be asking someone who's gone through something very similar!

Bad news- I got through the worst of it through sheer force of will, heavy dissociation, and several years of unwilling social isolation. So lets hopefully avoid that for you! (Even if it does, its really not the end of your life)

Its going to really tough. I mean it. Sometimes it'll feel like you're not making progress at all. Sometimes you won't want to get better. You might make some Bad decisions.

What do to- therapy. I often recommend therapy, because seriously, it is heavily underrated. Your therapist can provide you with many exercises, resources, and its very good to have someone listen who can respond in a constructive manner. I was able to get therapy because my highschool offered it for free, and by my second year I was old enough to make those decision without parental permission thanks to local laws. See if your school, local community center, or other provides similair services.

Support system! A good support system is essential to getting through this. It's going to feel counterintuitive, but stick around those people that didn't meet your standards. It's important to build a social network, and upon learning to tolerate them, you may find yourself truly loving and caring for one or several of them.

Journaling! When having trouble with your thought processes, this is very good! You can get an overview of your stream of consciousness, physically get a look at the areas you need to improve on, and take steps to correcting your attitude. Changing the way we think is important to healing, and this can help catch harmful thoughts. It can also help you catch bad ideas before you try to execute them irl.

Overall- ^^These are just the things I feel are most relevant to your situation. There are many different steps you can take, and plenty of resources online to help you determine whats best for you. THE most important thing however, is to want change. That seems easy, but none of this will change fast. This is the sort of thing that can easily take years. It takes a determination that can be easy to let go of in favor of instinctual reactions and whatever gives you dopamine. These emotions will come and go, and the best you can do is sometimes simply trying to not let them drown you.

Remember, you're not irredeemable. You're just a kid, and being a kid is fucking difficult. <3

[shinogi-xx]

Arc 1 Babey (someday I will even name the arcs. How about that.)

ch 1 (Show Me What I'm Looking For) AKA Misery Business (lets take it from the top) ok so. I still think its hilarious that this is the only moment in the entire story that I broke my narrator, but the foreshadowing at the end is genuinely one of my favorite things about this story to this DAY. I think its fine because its the first chapter, like, its the introductory, it's okay to break some rules... but man, all for ONE LINE! (me breaking my narrator bc the story is written in third person limited with only Kei's thoughts and emotions known-- but then I just decide you know what. I'm just gonna tell you right now. That man doesn't know what he's gonna do, and the narrator also knows that) (because anything for the foreshadowing babey) But anyway the rest of the chapter is fine. I always feel like it needs more... something, but I don't know what.

ch 2 (Red Sky Warning) finding SPELLING MISTAKES THIS LATE IN THE GAME I DON'T UNDERSTAND??? I'm literally just making up words and not even in the good way-- Anyway that man in this chapter makes me want to shove an entire pillow in my mouth (shoves down lustful thoughts). I think I don't have very much to say because, after I did some serious rework of this one waaay back and then the little touches up since, it's definitely the strongest of like, the very early chapters. At least IMO, like, I think the emotions come across well, and Kei's motivations feel real here. I hope her desperate and grief stricken actions feel understandable, and you get the sense that she's willing to throw away *everything*. Maybe I just like being in his car

ch 3 (Walk On Water Or Drown) "iS tHiS LiKe YouR hEadQuArtErs Or SomEtHiNG?" --Kei X019 everybody!!! THIS BITHC IS STUPID she has not watched 1 mafia piece of media in her goddamn life and it shows. First how fucking hard she lowballed that hit and now this. What a goof. What's really funny about this chapter is that it gets so... randomly silly once that man and Rio are together and yet. that is the most in character thing about this entire story and I can't change it and I don't know what else to tell you. They are silly. But like before that I do really like how this chapter opens-- not crazy about it after that. Like I know I definitely had to have said this last time, but that ending needs some serious work. It doesn't do her thoughts or feelings justice in the slightest and feels like the most fanfiction shit ever. I'll make a note to really try and fix it before the next chapter reupload.

ch 4 (Last Hope) I deadass had to stop reading for a sec because like... what the fuck is this chapter :HA: fr,,, it feels so random. What is happening. Why am I only just feeling like this whole thing needs to be thrown out LOL I think I was in denial before because I didn't want to rewrite it and you know what. that's valid as fuck because I still don't wanna do that. Except for literally the very end where she realizes he was just driving around so she could vent rather than going directly to her place and cutting it short-- THAT is actually really cute and they win couple of the year already goodnight In all seriousness this chapter is just an exposition dump and its done in a silly way. Like I need to change how he just randomly happens to see her *from his car* and then actually, expand upon the fact that SHE WAS BEING FOLLOWED BY A MAN IN A RED HOODIE? like that never comes up again and it absolutely fucking should :HA: I have no idea how to make her finding out about his secret rap career any less silly either so that might just stay tbh. but also who am I kidding because am I really ever going to fix this shit--

ch 5 (Make Your Move) I like this chapter even though its not great and you know what... sometimes that's all that matters folks. Frfr though, I do actually think that things have been progressing well for their relationship, it's these little moments where they see each other in a new light, or suddenly realize there's a connection, these little threads are starting to weave them together and that aspect of the story I think I'm getting across pretty well. But deadass its a little frustrating to read because, the way I can see these events happening in my mind is so much more serious and stylish and Makes Sense more than how I've written it and man THAT is what is most frustrating about these earlier chapters I think. Like, I'm reading it thinking "noo you don't understand, I know the 75483798 layers of context that makes this work" but where is it in the story huh?

ch 6 (Camisado) I've always felt like this was the first REAL chapter of the story. Like, finally we have plot progression and the writing picks up and things begin to feel more cohesive. The first 5 chapters are so spotty and its something that seeps down to the bones of the writing. But this chapter finally feels better to read, for all sorts of reasons. I love you rising action and traumatic experience, thank you for your service.

ch 7 (Too Close) ahhh yes... I love this one! I think the subtlety of his actions make it clear that he's struggling to balance what their relationship is becoming. He wants to be there for her after this horrible experience, but he knows that he shouldn't get too close. He knows that what happened was too close of a call, and he knows that she's already letting herself get too close to him (haha ok I'll stoP). I began to wonder why nobody at the police station actually took Kei's coat for evidence but then I was like... no why would they? They don't need evidence, they all saw what happened :HA: Rio killed him jdfksa but it's okay because it was a government sanctioned killing /sparkle sparkle I like to imagine Jyuto coming out of the station though and just seeing the coat on the ground like "he just left this here..." Yes he did. Also very important to note these chapters are so good because Jyuto is finally in them and that's also why its the first REAL part of the story haha ok goodnight

END OF ARC 1!

yearly SaKe re-read post

because I've finally been working on chapter 21's outline again, and my last full read through was over a year ago and didn't include 19 & 20. If I'm going to attempt to start 21's document, I'm gonna need to get everything really fresh again first. Which also means: I dissect shit again, and blog about it. (I swear it helps with the process) (but it also just scratches my brain really nice) Also to note, I'm gonna be editing again. Maybe even tackling some of the bigger issues with the story that have bugged me but would be a project in itself. We'll see.

Notes from last time (for ease of access): here

[olderthannetfic]

Quite interesting what you expose about Queer baiting, I had thought that some media accidentally creates a fandom who is reading too much into it (some fandoms sometimes just cling to strays with their desperate need when there hardly is anything to read), but I seriously had my doubts about Supernatural and Sherlock. Mainly because it was kind of cruel on their parts when they eventually knew the kind of fandom they got as the years progressed. They went to conventions and they made exclusive fan interactions. I would think that the producer's, writers, directors and actors would take a least a bit of interest on the people who were the greatest contribution to their success.

Let's not kid ourselves, those numbers and sales of merchandise and the hype, can only be ignited and rallied by the really intense fans. Or at least that's what used to think. So of course it wouldn't be that much of a stretch of imagination that this "silly gay joke" was in fact a concealed slap in the face to the fans for wishing to see something they desired. Like spraying the fans with water like unruly cats needing to calm the duck down. I was a bit disappointed by Mark Gatiss, being gay and all, but of course, being gay doesn't automatically made you a political woke rebel with a discurse to change the world (I would know, being an old trans who wants nothing but to cisspass and live in the crowd irl)

I suppose that in the end, it's true that we are a meaningless number in the capitalistic industry of entreteiment, and that the old idea that the fandom has any kind of pull over their favorite shows is just a delusional idea.

But still, an unintentionally wrong doing, it's still a wrong doing. It means that representation still is a problem because the creators and powers that be, don't even acknowledge that people exist in the first place. They may be not evilly toying with us, but is worse when they don't even think we exist.

And when they do, like Netflix and most of his shows, it's just so poorly done for shock value and token representation that is often, just cringe worthy. Anyways, I would like your opinion on the bury your gays trope.

I mean, for while gays were dropping like flies on violent tv shows. Like dude, we are the new POC on a horror movie?. Gays died second lol. Example, the Chubby chick in The Walking Dead. Like literally seconds after saying she's a lesbian. She drops dead unexpectedly. And come on, even if its one of those "anyone can die type of show" that was... ridiculously dumb when they spend whole episodes bulling her story.

--

I agree that shows are bad at queer rep.

But I disagree that Sherlock was bad in this way. It did plenty of other things wrong (like Irene Adler), but it started out intending not to go for Johnlock, and it continued not to go for Johnlock.

I know that fans assumed TPTB were lying because they lied about other things, but they were still quite clear that canon Johnlock was not part of their plans.

Big media is often quite homophobic, but one point I want to drive home to fans is this:

Queer people who work in big media often have a different idea of representation than tumblr and ao3 types do.

Not always, but it's common. There is no reason Gatiss would necessarily want canon Johnlock or see it as a huge step forward for representation. Tumblr Sherlock fandom talked about it in terms that weren't really echoed by people outside of tumblr.

Looking at SPN, by the end, it only had a couple million viewers per episode. Sorting AO3 SPN fics by hits, the top one does have over a million hits, but the next few down have 400-500k. They quickly drop to the 200k hits range, and these are fics with multiple chapters where the same reader will have come back many times. The 2mil episode watchers are separate people watching the first run.

SPN has a particularly vociferous fandom and particularly shitty ratings, so yeah, some of the bigger fic is big enough you'd hope they'd care... But there are two things you're forgetting:

1. SPN had a fuckton of self-shipper fans and fans who just liked canon and did not care about fic. None of these fans wanted Destiel.

2. Network tv series make money off of advertisements, and advertisers still usually strongly prefer young men to older people or women.

It does not matter if SPN's writers wanted to be less sexist as long as advertisers pressure shows to deliver the male viewer numbers they want. But even if they did want to cater to the female audience they ended up with, that audience is not united in wanting Destiel.

(I do not think the writers made any attempt to be less sexist, and I think it’s fine to call them on that, btw. I’m just saying this separate advertiser issue exists also.)

Look through Dean's tags on Wattpad: you'll find a sea of fanfic about Dean/OFC or Dean/Female reader. Those were also die-hard fans, and they did not ship m/m. They also kept SPN afloat with their money.

I too want live action longform genre fiction with a decent budget and canon m/m.

But it's simplistic to think that SPN was just ignoring their fans and clueless.

[gaitwae]

Hello!! Mob!thor au please. You’re a successful and rising businesswoman and it’s your first time going to those rich people galas, there you catch thor’s eye and you spend the whole evening with him. Thank yew, stay safe😽😽

A/N: You have no idea how much I've been wanting to write this!! This is a Thor x F!Reader (anon requested businesswoman uwu)

Warnings: Slight harassment from Thor, implied only. Also a slight kidnapping. Non-threatening

Summary: Above!

Tags: @make-me-imagine @thorfanficwriter @bwemph @myraiswack @rorybutnotgilmore @loki-snape-our-hero @wolfish-trickster @lucywrites02 @mostly-marvel-musings @winterfrostsarmy @superheroesandstardust @castiels-majestic-wings @geekns @natandersonnla @cozy-the-overlord @megthemewlingquim @frostedgiant @whatafuckingdumbass @thebookbakery @delightfulheartdream @twhiddlestonsstuff @lokistan @the-emo-asgardian @amwolowicz @itscomplicatedx @sophlubbwriting @darkacademicfrom2021 @lilyofthesword 

You had picked the perfect evening gown. It billowed behind you, and you received many compliments from it. It was your favorite color, and it matched your complexion. You had done up your hair. You carried your clutch tightly to your side. Although you were sure the rumors were only rumors, if there was any place they’d be disproved, it was at the Marvel Gala.

It was hosted every year by Tony Stark. He took business seriously. On top of the Asgardian mob rumors, you had heard he had some deals with the Odinson family. Whether or not the Odinson family ran a mob, they were still dangerous in court. Their lawsuit could mean the loss of your entire company. You shivered to yourself, glad that you had yet to make any sort of dealings with Valaskjalf Enterprises. 

You grabbed a flute of champagne off of a tray. You tried not to down the whole thing at once, but this was a nerve-wracking experience. You could make acquaintances that could — no, would — change your entire career. You smoothed your dress out in hopes of wiping your clammy hands away.

“Miss? Would you like to dance?” a deep voice asked behind you. You froze, slowly turning around.

Before you was a tall, broad, blond hunk of handsome with a thundering presence. He wore a crisp suit, and his face and hair were kept in an almost pretty manner. He was elegant, yet bold. He was massive, but perfect. You tried not to stare, but you found you couldn’t blink. The man smirked, extending his hand.

“Miss?” he laughed.

You shook yourself out of your daze, remembering why you were at the gala in the first place. “I apologize; who are you?” you asked, smiling awkwardly. “I don’t like to dance without knowing someone’s name.”

“My name is Thor,” he said. You set your flute down on an empty tray passing by, taking his hand. He tugged you to the dancefloor. “What is your name?”

“I’m Y/N L/N,” you say. “I’m the CEO of—”

“I know what company,” he cut you off, his eyes lighting up. “I was rather impressed when Father told us how far your little company had been progressing. Had I known the simple surname I’d been hearing was yours, why, I don’t even think we would be standing here.” He chuckled darkly. He began swaying with you as the music swelled. You shook at his tone. What could that mean? Who was Thor? “The other family business would have contacted you. You have a lot of potential at L/N Advancements.”

Oh.

Of course.

“You’re... Forgive me, I should have remembered. Thor Odinson,” you said nervously. You shook your head, unable to meet his eyes. Of course, the mobster would find you. Of course, the mobster would find you! Of course!

“Yes. I’ll assure you, no rumors you’ve heard are quite like the real deal.” He snaked his hand to the small of your back. “My brother often likes to... exaggerate our side company’s deals. I should really get you back to the business talk, but I want to keep you to myself a little longer.” Thor grinned a model’s grin. “Unless you’re scared of me, that is.”

“Oh, I’m not scared of you,” you said. You realized you still had your clutch in your grasp. That alone disproved your point. Thor took it from you, setting it on an empty table.

“You aren’t?”

“Maybe I was scared of getting mugged,” you admitted. “It’s silly.”

“I think the only thing you should be scared of is how you’re getting home tomorrow,” he flirted, pulling you closer. Much, much closer.

You put distance between yourself and the heir of Valaskjalf. “I don’t do that. I won’t. Sorry. I barely know you, and I’ve worked too hard to slip up or give in. I hope you can understand.”

Thor, who was taking the rejection as if it never happened, only smiled brighter. “You’re scared that I’ll take L/N Advancements away from you with just a night together?”

“I’m scared your father might decide I’m not worth trading with once he finds out I’ve done a little more than speak with his son,” you said in your firmest tone. Thor laced your fingers. You didn’t pull away from that.

“But he might decide you’re worth keeping around.” He stroked your cheek, moving to his own beat now. The music didn’t match your rhythm, but it was still as intoxicating. “I could get rid of all your enemies, you know. I could make you untouchable.”

“I’m not interested,” you said. You shook your head. “I need a drink.”

“You just downed a whole flute of champagne!” he tsked. 

“I still need one.” You lingered in Thor’s presence. He smelled of petrichor and fine cologne and a tiny bit of sulfur and something else that you couldn’t pick out. He hummed happily, as if he were drunk. He didn’t smell of alcohol, but his behavior could fool you in a second. 

“You’re quite the prey,” he murmured. “I’ll get you a drink. I’ll get you multiple.”

“I can get my own drink,” you insisted. “Please, Mr. Odinson, I’m happy to be by myself.”

“You should relax,” he, too, insisted. He gripped your upper arms, taking you in once again. “Really. Don’t let your fear stop you from having fun.”

“I’ll do what I like.” You tore away from Thor. “Thank you fror the dance, but I have to go talk to Tony Stark and Steve Rogers.”

“Have fun mingling!” He caught your hand and kissed it. You felt your belly set itself on fire. Did Thor want one night? Clearly. But what did he want from a night? Did he want information about your business? Or did he want to take advantage? Did he want to use you, and let you use him in the same manner? “I’ll see you some other time, darling.”

“Don’t clear your schedule,” you warned. 

Thor chuckled, “I’ll remember that.”

That didn’t stop him from following you around all night. He was by your side as if he was your partner. Whatever he had decided, it wasn’t going to change without a piece of paper signed by a judge...

Given that he was admittedly not only part of the city’s biggest mob, but a higher member, you couldn’t obtain that.

+-+-- 

Months later, and after many calls from Thor Odinson (who you did not offer your personal number), you finally started to cave. You let him have dinner with you. You took walks in the city during the daytime. You found he was a sensitive person, and almost three years of talking and dancing and Marvel Galas came and went before your first kiss.

Thor took a small sip of white wine, staring at you with electric blue eyes that you always got lost in. “Did I ever apologize for our first meeting?”

You shook your head. “I don’t think so,” you answered. “I didn’t think you cared enough to remember it...”

“If I wasn’t in love with you,” Thor began, “I wouldn’t have stayed for as long as I intend to.”

“It’s been three years,” you whispered. “How long do you intend to stay?”

Thor wet his lips. “As long as you let me.” He reached over, cupped your face, and brought your mouth to his.

That was when the first kidnapping happened.

The room was dark. Your hair was being pulled back by meaty hands behind you. Your clothes were torn, and your eyes wouldn’t stop shedding tears. 

“Ms. L/N,” a deep voice mused. “It’s an honor to meet you. I’m glad my brother has someone to entertain him that doesn’t include a mortal injury... Since that nurse hit him with her car, he hasn’t quite been the same.”

“What are you talking about?” you asked the voice, wheezing and stifling a sob. You sniffled. “I don’t know why I’m here...”

“You’re here so we can talk.” A small light switched on. You saw a raven-haired man sitting in a small chair, one leg crossed over the other like the Joker. “Do you intend on strengthening your company with my family’s conglomerate?”

“No,” you said. You were shaking. You tried to look back at the meaty hands that held your head, but whoever it was made sure you watched the man. “No, I want to make it with my own merit. I don’t want to be absorbed...”

“Do you plan on staying away from legal trouble by making my brother dearest your... intended?” he continued, pulling a gun from behind him. He cocked it, keeping his cool eyes on you. He aimed. “If I think you’re lying, I’ll shoot. And trust me... I know a liar when I see one.”

“No!” you said again. “No, I don’t!” 

His expression never changed. He rolled his neck, then studied you some more. “Name your favorite thing about Thor.”

“His laugh.” You gulped. “I love when he laughs... really laughs. When he doubles over, cries, and then giggles about it hours later.”

The man sat back, turning off the safety. “Name his favorite drink.”

“Locally brewed beer.”

“What’s my name?” His forefinger slipped in front of the trigger.

“Loki!” Thor’s voice came from outside the room. You sobbed again. The door swung open, and the man stood from his chair. Thor gripped his brother’s lapel, throwing him on the wall. “What do you think you’re doing?!” 

Loki growled, dropping the gun on its side. “It wasn’t loaded! Calm down! Jane only wanted to stay for the secrets, I was simply—”

“I don’t care!” he snapped. “You have no right to kidnap her!” He was nose-to-nose with Loki, shaking him as he spoke. 

“Thor!” you cried. He swerved his head, letting go of his brother to come and rescue you. He shoved the meaty hands off, throwing a solid punch.

“Come with me,” he said, lifting you into his arms. You wrapped your arms around him, shaking and trying not to cry too much. He held you tightly. He took Loki’s gun off the ground. “Don’t touch her. She’s nothing like Jane, and if you’d listen to me when I talk to you, Father wouldn’t have put you on lackey duty!”

“Take me out of here,” you whispered.

“I can’t,” Thor said. He kissed your head. “This is my life... I love you, but if you can’t handle this...”

You held him tightly. “We should talk about this later...”

[airis-paris14]

See You Again

A/N: Just something short I never posted. It probably sucks, but I thought I'd share anyway. WE OUTSIDE YALL. (Please be outside RESPONSIBLY. COVID is still a thing. Please get vaccinated and or wear a mask.) Love Y'all.

Masterlist

“My King,” Okoye called, handing T’Challa a bag he forgot. “Next week.”

“ I know Okoye. I promise I will be ready to leave.” Okoye nodded before reboarding the jet. The king watched before beginning the short walk up to his friend's front door.

He rang the doorbell before staring up at the building. It’d been years since he’d last been in this apartment. Freshman year of college to be exact. Anaya’s parents had invited him to spend Thanksgiving with them after finding him and their daughter studying together on a surprise visit to their daughter's dorm. They weren’t in the room, lucky for them, but it seemed that her parents were invested in a dream that wouldn’t come true. Not that either of them was ready to admit they couldn’t be together either. At least that early on.

So much has changed since then. They graduated. Got two Ph. Ds respectively and then moved on. Anaya became a celebrated fashion historian and critic, and T’Challa a king. Halfway across the world, they’d reconnected by chance in Paris and hadn’t let go since. Somewhere T’Challa had been holding on to a silly notion that maybe he and Anaya could give being together another go, but he knew it was a fruitless endeavor.

Same as his ringing of the doorbell had been. Worried, the king began knocking on the door. “Quit your racket! She’s not here!” An elderly woman crooned from her front porch. “Pardon?”

“She ain’t here! The baby called.” The woman chuckled to herself, “Ran outta here like a firecracker. Her two friends following close behind.”

“She was pregnant?”

“Don’t know how you missed it sonny, big as a blimp, carrying high though. My bets on a girl you know,” she paused to size up the young king. “And you must be that no good bastard baby’s father. Walking out on her like that you know I should-!”

“Ma’am, I promise you I am not him. As much as I wish I could have been,” the king mumbled the last part.

“Well then now’s your chance son. The real father ain’t here, and I hate to see that child grow up without a father figure. What’s keeping you from claiming that child?”

“A lot more than you’ll ever know..” T’Challa looked up, despair written across his face. The woman's gaze softened. “You’ll never know till you try. At least go and see her. I mean you came to her house. All dressed up with flowers and a bag of gifts. You must really care for her.”

“I do.”

“She’s at the university hospital.” The old woman instructed. “Thank you,” the king nodded. “Anything to see her happy, ever since her parents died she’s been sitting up in that house all alone. Make it right.”

Two hours and four phone calls later, T’Challa pulled up to the hospital in his hired car. The driver opened the back door of the SUV to allow the king and his baby present out into the air. He nodded at the driver before making his way up to the reception desk. “Hi, how may I help you?” The woman looked up from her computer. “You must be looking for our maternity ward. This your first?” She nodded at the gifts. “You could say that,” T’Challa chuckled.

“May I have your name and the patient’s?”

“T’Challa, and Anaya Johnson.”

“Great, Ms. Johnson is in room 408 in the maternity wing. Go down the hall, on the left, there will be an elevator. Take that up to the fourth floor, make a right and it should be the fourth door down. You can’t miss it.”

“Thank you,” the king smiled hoisting up the big teddy bear, careful not to crush the flowers and various other bags. “Would you like an escort Mr. T’Challa?”

“I believe I can handle this one,” The king insisted. “Very well, and congratulations.”

The king frowned. “Thank you.”

Four floors up, and three doors down, T’Challa finally stood outside of room 408. He took several steadying breaths before knocking. “Who is it? A familiar voice called. He heard footsteps on the other side of the door before it carefully creaked open.

“T’Challa?”

The king smiled in surprise. “Tella? Hi.”

“Hey, what are you doing here?” The brown skin woman beamed, opening up the door, her eyes widening slightly as she saw all of the gifts.”She said she hadn’t heard from you in months.”

“Yeah, I was on my way to visit Anaya and her neighbor told me she was here, having a baby.”

“Yeah, um come in. She and Jean went for a walk, the doctor said it would help with contractions.” Tella grabbed the bear from T’Challa and moved to set it in a corner, while he found space to set down his other gifts. “So how’ve you been? We used to get status updates from Anaya for you. Then you just vanished.”

“Well, there is a lot I haven’t told you all. Wakanda is a monarchy, and my father, and his father, and his father, and his mother, and her father, and his mother, and so on, have all ruled our country. Now it is my turn.”

“To rule?”

“To rule.” The king nodded. “So you vanished because you became king?”

“I vanished because there was a coup, an attempt on my life, which was almost successful. The coup sent my country into a civil war,” The king explained.

“T’Challa, this doesn’t even sound real,” Tella interrupted. “I mean, how is anyone supposed to believe you?”

“May I see your phone?” T’Challa stopped her.

“T’Challa,”

“Just let me prove it to you. I did not ghost Anaya by choice. I still want to be with her.”

“After all this time-”

“Please, I know it seems implausible, but let me show you,” the king reached out a hand.

“Fine T’Challa-” Tella handed over her phone. “Ask siri,” the king instructed.

“Seriously?” Tella frowned. “Just ask her.”

“Siri, who is the king of Wakanda?”

Her phone glowed before responding, “T’Challa Udaku was crowned King of Wakanda after the passing of his father last summer during a United Nations Assembly. I found this article online from the New York Times and several other sources.”

“T’challa if this is true, I mean since this is true, the prospects of you and Anaya getting together is now even more impossible. Why are you here?”

“Because she is my friend, and I love her. She is having a baby, and I will support her.”

“You are not its father!”

“Don’t you think I know that? Do you know how much it hurts me to know that I’m not? That I may never be the father of any of her children.”

“This isn’t about you T.”

“I know, but the child’s father is not here. I am. Even if he was, I still would be, because she is my friend too Tella.”

“I just do not want to see her hurt. Don’t give her false hope T’Challa.”

“On the contrary, I believe it is she who gives me false hope,” the king sighed. Tella pulled him in for a hug. “Just give it time, and who knows, you’re a king now aren’t you?”

“That I am,” T’Challa nodded as the room’s door squeaked open. A nurse helped Anaya back into the room and T'Challa couldn’t help the way his eyes widened at Anaya’s pregnant form. His heart erupted in butterflies, imagining if that had been his child. Tella slapping his arm startled him back to reality. Tella jerked her head towards where the nurse was trying to help Anaya and maneuver the IV stand back into the room with her. T’Challa hurried over to wrap an arm around Anaya’s waist and grab her other hand. The nurse smiled in thanks and surprise. No surprise could top Anaya’s expression. She gaped as T’Challa shot her a smile. “Long time no see,” The king teased as he helped her further into the room and onto her bed. A grimace stole her smile as another contraction hit.

“I’ll grab Dr.Ben and she’ll be right in to check on your progress, Ms. Johnson.” The middle-aged black woman smiled at the expecting mother. “Thank you,” Anaya smiled before turning back to her best friend. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to surprise you, only to find out from your neighbor that you were in labor,” The king smiled.

“Mrs. Patterson told you where I was?”

“I guess so,” the king frowned. Anaya and Tella laughed. “What did you do to her? Mrs. Patterson doesn’t like anyone. Especially men.” Tella explained.

“She did almost try to beat me up when she thought I was your ‘bastard baby’s father’.” T’Challa told the two women who groaned. Anaya grimaced her way through a contraction and T’Challa stepped over and offered her his hand. The mother smiled at his touch and threaded her fingers through his as the contraction dissipated.

“I’m gonna go find Jean in the gift shop,” Tella excused herself, leaving T’Challa and Anaya alone. “What’s been going on with you King T’Challa,” Anaya teased as she tried to push herself into a seated position.

“Nothing much. The world of politics cooled off for a while and I wanted to apologize for being awol these past months.” T’Challa helped rearrange the pillows so she could sit up. “What about you soon to be umama?”

“Well, this has been my life pretty much, still don’t know how I’m going to manage working at museums and shows towing this one around.”

“Where’s the father?” T’Challa asked softly. A tear formed in Anaya’s eye, “He doesn’t want to be involved. We were drunk that night and you know…..”

“You don’t have to explain,” T’Challa squeezed her hand. “Thanks,” she murmured. “What are you having?” The king inquired, sweeping some box braids back over her shoulder. “I don’t know. I wanted to be surprised.”

“Your neighbor thinks it’s a girl,” T’Challa laughed. “She’s been telling me about me carrying high since it became visible I was pregnant.” Anaya laughed. “I guess we’ll find out today or tomorrow.” T’Challa chuckled. His face quickly fell as she slipped into another contraction. He tried to help her breathe the way he’d seen on television but ended up making her laugh. “You’re really bad at this,” Anaya reclined back onto her pillows rubbing her stomach absentmindedly. “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” T’Challa smiled. “It’s two quick ones and long out. Not in out in out,” Anaya explained. “I’ll do better next time,” T’Challa promised.

“How long are you visiting, you don’t have to stay. It could be another day or so before I give birth.”

“I’m here for the week, until next Tuesday. And Anaya I want to stay. Besides, I can give Tells and Tonya-Jean a break to walk around.”

“Thanks,” the pregnant mother smiled. Her face contorted as another contraction washed over her. “There you go,” T’Challa soothed as she squeezed his hand. He helped her breathe through and eventually, she settled back. “At this rate, it’ll only be a couple of hours until they’re here with us,” the mom to be sighed. “Then I’ll be here as long as you’ll let me be here,” T’Challa kissed the back of her hand. Sweat had gathered on her forehead and he reached for something to dab it away. “I want you here as long as you can be, distract me.”

“Why? You are not enjoying the miracle of life.”

“Says the man not currently pushing a baby out of his body.”

“Fair enough,” he raised his unoccupied arm in surrender. “Tell me about Wakanda and being a king,” Anaya asked, groaning through another contraction.

“Well,” T’Challa started.

Eight hours later, the room was silent. Tonya and Tells had gone home to catch up on sleep. Anaya was sleeping off her exhaustion and the king of Wakanda sat rocking a sleeping baby girl. Well, she was sleeping. Sydney Iesha Johnson’s big brown eyes fluttered open and stared at the man holding her. She stretched out her tiny body and T’Challa’s heart soared at the feeling of her moving around in the swaddle.

“Hi pretty girl,” he whispered. “Hi,” he cooed, smiling as she yawned. “You are so beautiful, just like your mommy. She was the most beautiful girl in the world and now she’s tied with you.” He rocked the infant softly. “T’Challa?” Anaya croaked. “Hey,” the king stood up and walked the baby over to her mother. “She was fussy in the crib, and the nurse suggested I hold her, I hope you don’t mind,” he rambled. Anaya laid a hand on his arm and shook her head. “It’s fine. I love seeing you with her.

“You know I’m here for you right? Both of you now,” the king searched her eyes. “I know I’m not her father, and I’ll never try to be that for her, but she’s a part of you and that makes her important to me.”

Anaya teared up and nodded.

“I want you to move to Wakanda.”

Taglist: @almostpurelysmut @blackbypurpose @tchoking @sisterwifeudaku @wikiwakanda @royallyprincesslilly @90sinspiredgirl @thedelightfulone @autumn242 @purple-apricots @kumkaniudaku @queertrex @kaciidubs @halfrican-heat @skysynclair19 @dramaqueenamby @leahnicole1219 @kreolemami @mzbritt @derangedcupcake @chaneajoyyy @lalapalooza718 @ororowrites @leahnicole1219 @sarcastic-sunshines @sarahboseman @faatassbitch @lady-love-and-glitter-roses @cxnismajcr @tchallasbabymama

[cyndavilachase]

I’m Looking Forward Now 💖Thank you and good bye

So, it’s been a little over a week since Steven Universe Future ended… 

I’ve been hesitant to write this, honestly, but I’m tired of holding myself back from properly expressing myself in fear of appearing overly invested in the media I consume, even in private. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and feelings, and I feel like these thoughts in particular may resonate with many, so I want to share them. I want to talk about what Steven Universe has done for me personally, both as an artist, and as a person.

I’ve been around since the day the first episode of the original series aired. I actually remember when Steven Universe was just a logo on Wikipedia’s “List of Upcoming Cartoon Network Shows” list, back when I was a freshman in high school. It piqued my interest, but when commercials finally dropped for it, I thought it was going to be bad because of the way marketing handled introducing Steven as a likeable character. There was still something about it that made me want to give it a chance though, so I went online and watched the pilot before the first episode's release. I was hooked immediately. I knew I was going to love it, and I did. I fell so absolutely in love with Steven as a character, and the world that he and the gems lived in. I became obsessed. I was always so excited for new episodes to come out. Little did I know what else it would do for me as I went through my adolescence alongside it.

As the show progressed, it was evident that what I wanted out of a western animated childrens’ cartoon was finally coming into fruition: this show was becoming serialized. There was continuity, there was plot, there was character development-- it was getting deep. It was pushing the groundwork that Adventure Time laid out even further (thank you, Adventure Time).  

I will give credit where credit is due: earlier western childrens’ cartoons I grew up with like Hey Arnold, and Rugrats, among others, also touched on heavy topics, but Steven Universe was able to take similar ideas (and even more complex ones, concerning mental health and relationships) and expand on them outside of contained episodes and/or short arcs. These themes, which were a part of the show’s overarching story, spanned across its entirety. Continuity was rampant. 

What did this mean? It meant kids cartoons didn’t have to be silly and fun all the time and characters weren’t just actors playing a part in 11-minute skits. Steven and the gems would remember things that happened to them, and it affected them and how they would function and play a part in their story. This was a huge deal to me as a teenager. I always wanted the cartoons I grew up with featuring kid characters to feel more. In my own work, I often felt discouraged when combining a fun, cutesy western art style with themes as dark or layered as anime would cover. I always thought it had to be one or the other because an audience wouldn’t take a combination of the two seriously enough, based on discussions I had with classmates, friends, and online analysis I read at the time. Steven Universe proved to me otherwise. This show was opening the door for future cartoons exploring in-depth, adult concepts. I felt so seen as a kid, and was inspired to stick with what I love doing.

I was actually very worried about the show’s survival. It was in fact immensely underrated and the fandom was miniscule. Then in 2014, JailBreak dropped, and it’s popularity exploded. Part of it was because of the complex plot and the themes it was covering like I mentioned, but also because of its representation. 

I remember when fandom theorized that Garnet was a fusion due to grand, tragic reasons. Turns out, she’s simply a metaphor for a very loving w|w relationship. This was huge. I cannot stress how important it is that we continue to normalize healthy canon queer relationships in childens’ media, and Steven Universe finally was the first to do that proper. Introducing these themes offers the chance for a kid to sit there and ask themselves, “Why is this demonized by so many people?” I asked myself exactly that. Ruby and Sapphire were my cartoon LGBT rep. They were the first LGBT couple I ever ecstatically drew fanart of. I was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia at the time, and they showed me that I was allowed to love women and feel normal about it. The process of overcoming this was a long one, but they played a part in my very first steps into becoming comfortable with my sexuality. I could go on and on about it’s representation in general-- how it breaks the mold when it comes to showcasing a diverse set of characters in design, in casting, and in breaking gender roles. It’s focus on love and empathy. Steven himself is a big boy, but he's the protagonist, and the show never once makes fun of his weight, or any other bigger characters for that matter. It wasn’t hard to see why the fandom had grown so large.

Fandom was always a joy for me. It was a hobby I picked up when I was in middle school, like many of us here did. I would always cater my experience to fun, and fun only. I only started getting more deeply involved in SU’s fandom when I had just turned into an adult. During the summer of 2016, between my first and second year of college, I drew for the show almost every day non-stop when the Summer of Steven event was going on and posted them online. This was a form of practice for me in order to become not just more comfortable with experimenting with my art, but also to meet new artists, make new friends, and learn to interact with strangers without fear. I dealt with a ton of anxiety when I was in high school. When I was a senior applying to art school for animation, I decided I was going to overcome that anxiety. I made plans to take baby steps to improve myself over the course of my 4 years of college. Joining the fandom, while unforeseen, was definitely a part of that process. I started feeling more confident in sharing my ideas, even if they were fan-made. I fell in love with storyboarding after that summer, when I took my first storyboarding class, and genuinely felt like I was actually getting somewhere with all of this. I remember finally coming to a point in my classes where I could pitch and not feel hopelessly insecure about it. I was opening up more to my friends and peers. 

But this process, unfortunately, came to a screeching halt. 

My life completely, utterly crumbled under me in the Fall of 2017 due to a series of blows in my personal life that happened in the span of just a couple weeks. My mental health and sense of identity were completely destroyed. All of that confidence I had worked for-- completely ruined. I was alone. I nearly died. My stay at college was extended to 4 and half years, instead of the 4 I had intended. I lost my love for animation-- making it, and watching it. I could no longer watch Steven Universe with the same love I had for it beforehand. It’s a terrible thing, trying to give your attention to something you don’t love anymore, and wanting so desperately to love again. I dropped so many things I loved in my life, including the fandom.

Healing was a long and complicated road. I continued to watch the show all the way up until Change Your Mind aired in the beginning of 2019, and while I still felt empty, that was definitely a turning point for me with it’s encapsulation of self-love. I was hoping James Baxter would get to work on Steven Universe since he guest-animated on Adventure Time, and it was incredible seeing that wish actually come true. The movie came out and while I enjoyed it and thought highly of it, I was still having issues letting myself genuinely love things again, old and new. It was especially difficult because cartoons were my solace as a kid, when things got rough at home. I remember feeling sad because the show ended, and not getting the chance to love it again like I used to while it was still going.

By the time Steven Universe Future was announced, I was finally coming around. I was genuinely starting to feel excitement for art and animation again. I wasn’t expecting there to be a whole new epilogue series, but happily ever after, there we were! Prickly Pear aired, and the implications it left in terms of where the story was going did it. I was finally ready to let myself take the dive back into fandom in January of this year. My art blew up, something I wasn’t expecting considering my 2-year hiatus. Following this, I was invited into a discord server containing some of the biggest writers, artists, editors, and analysts in the fandom. I had no idea there were so many talented people in the fandom, some already with degrees, some getting their degrees-- creating stuff for it on the side just for fun. The amount of passion and productivity level here is insane, and so is the amount of discussion that has come out of it.

I didn’t realize it at first, but it was actually helping me gain back the courage to share ideas. I lost my confidence in pitching while I was taking the time to heal, and graduating meant there would no longer be a classroom setting I could practice in. This group helped immensely. 

I have made so many friends through this wonderful series, and I have so many fond memories talking to like-minded creatives, getting feedback and a myriad of sources for inspiration, as well as all of the memes and jokes and weekly theorizations that came about as we all waited on the edges of our seats for episodes to air. I needed this so badly, I needed to get back in touch with my roots, when I would go absolutely hog-wild over a cartoon I loved with people who loved it as much I did. Future has been a blessing for me in this way. I graduated feeling like I was back at square-one, but now I feel like I’m on my way again.

It’s 2020 and while I’m doing great right now, I am honestly still recovering from the total exhaustion that followed after graduating a few months ago, and finally leaving the campus where my life fell apart behind. Needless to say, watching Future was like looking into a mirror. Watching one of my favorite characters of all time-- one that grew up with me-- go through so many of the same things I went through not too long ago was absolutely insane to watch unfold. It’s such an important thing too, to show a character go through the process of breaking down over trauma and all the nasty things that come with it, and to have them go on the road to healing. Steven got that therapy. He wasn’t blamed. The gems were called out. The finale was everything I could have ever hoped for. The catharsis I experienced watching it was out of this world.

As I continue my own healing journey, I will always look up to the storyboard artists, revisionists, and designers that I have been following over these past 7 years, as well as the new ones introduced in Future. It's been such a joy watching these artists release their promo art for episodes, talk about their experiences working on the show, and post the work they've done for it alongside episodes airing.

Thank you Rebecca Sugar, the Crewniverse, and the fans, for making this such a truly wonderful and unique experience. Thank you for reminding me that I am, and always will be, an artist, a cartoonist, and a fan. Thank you, my followers, for the overwhelmingly positive response to my artwork. I have had so much fun interacting and discussing the show with you all again over these past few months. Steven Universe and it’s fandom will always have a special place in my heart, and it will always be a classic that I will return to for comfort and inspiration for decades to come. I am sad that the cartoon renaissance is over, but so many doors have been opened thanks to this show. I am so, so excited to see what this show will inspire in the future, and I hope one day I get the opportunity to be a part of that. 

Goodbye Steven, thank you for everything. I wish you healing, and I wish Rebecca and the team a well-deserved rest. ♥️

-Cynthia D.