#but im so proud of you and so honored that you felt comfortable coming to my blog with this!!

[allylikethecat]

(sweats anxiously before writing this ask) hi ally!! so im a little scared to ask this bc it is a niche topic and i feel vulnerable lol. But I remember a while ago you answered an ask where you were curious to know which AU’s/tropes we would be interested in sharing, and after seeing these few tweets (pasted below!) I was wondering what your thoughts are on writing about age regression? i’ve seen it written a lot in other fandoms, but there is such a small amount in this fandom, which honestly was a bit surprising to me! I know so many authors write it in for characters that are very angsty and need a (healthy!) coping mechanism for all the stress they deal with (much like poor fictional!matty) and it’s just so comforting to read all the hurt/comfort/fluff that those fics bring. Fictional!Matty’s just always going through it and needs so much love and comfort and i’d love to hear ur thoughts on if it might be something you’re familiar with with reading and/or possibly writing? 

https://x.com/jenythhh/status/1769885115625226315?s=46&t=uAU8g8YhcgNOoPuQxlk8_g

https://x.com/shesgotnosoul/status/1768773353358127261?s=46&t=uAU8g8YhcgNOoPuQxlk8_g

https://x.com/hazyheadbigcity/status/1761528316400381958?s=46&t=uAU8g8YhcgNOoPuQxlk8_g

Hello Anon! First off I want to say thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability here! This is a judgement free safe zone 🥰 Never be ashamed or nervous about asking about a trope or AU situation - I'm writing an mpreg fic and an omega verse fic in a fandom that doesn't have any other fics with those tropes on AO3 (though if anyone else wants to write some so then I could read it I would be SO HYPE)

Now on to your question - unfortunately age regression isn't something I really see myself writing (I'm sorry!) and isn't something that I'm very interested in personally. BUT I'm super hype that we're able to have a conversation about it! I've come across it in my many years of fandom hopping and unfortunately it's just not a concept that excites me or that I have any interest in writing, and since it's not something that I personally read, or am interested in, I don't think anything that I write with that trope would be very good. I think that there are probably some very talented writers out there tackling it, and I think that's incredible, and I hope that seeing this ask encourages anyone else in the fandom that has been thinking about it, to dip their toes in and give writing it a try! I just will not be the one trying and for that I am very sorry :(

I'm so sorry for not being able to tackle that trope for you, and I hope that more appears in the fandom tag in the future! Also thank you so much for thinking of me, and bringing this interest to my attention! Again, even though it's not a trope I will be writing, hopefully this will inspire someone else! I'm so sorry this probably wasn't the answer you were looking for. I hope you're still able to enjoy some of my other fics! I also hope you had a great day and that the upcoming weekend treats you well!

❤️Ally

[chaostroberry1]

Ahem,,, respectfully, anon (ilysm) opened my third eye with the ‘Darling's talkative belly’ request so I'm here to humbly ask for a second part with Buddha, Qin Shi Huang and Apollo 🕺🕺

Sheer adorableness fr fr.

In return, may I offer you my love, gratitude and appreciation? (and a picture of my cat in an awkward setting, too 🤲)

AWWW THANK YOU!!! UR CAT IS ADORABLE 😭😭 AND IM SO HAPPY THAT APOLLO IS INCLUDED IN THIS 💕💕 I LOVE YOU BAE

Characters mentioned : Buddha, QSH, Apollo

Fluffy stuff 😍

RoR Men with darling's talkative belly | part 2

Buddha

- this man was laying his head down your belly, just cus. It was soft and nice, he would love to just bite into it cus it reminds him of a mochi of sort. (He's not cannibal guys don't get the wrong idea😭)

- it was just comforting to him. He loved to just have you and him in his favourite spot, while he can do all this with you. the air, the weather, it was perfect.

- ngl he would make comments about your belly secretly being a mochi.

- things were fine until he suddenly grumbled and was like "why're ya talking so much, little buddy? Can't you see I'm trying to relax?"

- you were confused, until you realized that this grown ass man was talking to your belly. You giggled when he asked you if it was hungry or something, only to be given a no.

- yes he even tried to offer it food. He knows that not being able to eat good food was absolute suffering. And he has its back, even though it's a literal stomach.

- I bet he'd just listen to it, continuing to eat without a care. This date was about him and you. The belly shouldn't be third wheeling too much, cus you are in good hands.

- but even with all that, he became best friends with your belly. And now he calls it "mochi buddy" (😭)

Apollo

- he was cuddled up to you, mans was so fucking clingy it was actually funny to watch. He must really really love you, yeah?

- he felt like being lovey dovey and cute w you, and he don't care. He don't need no excuse to be w his bae 🙄

- and hell yes he loved your belly. He showered that thing with kisses and his almighty glory, just because he was very generous. And like I said, he was feeling it.

- when he was resting happily on it, he suddenly spoke, "My my, what a noisy thing. Is it really that honored to be in my presence?" He scoffed. Heart melting at your giggle.

- "you find that funny, darling? Am I wrong? It's pretty honored to be this close to me. oh well, I guess I should entertain it for a while since I'm so generous~"

- mf was literally kissing it, loving the sounds from your mouth when your belly was tickled by his kisses. You were so adorable, and so was this little mound of flesh.

- he wasn't psycho from wanting to listen to a literal stomach, right? But, he doesn't care either way. This was free entertainment.

- he ends up naming it "blobby" and no. do not fucking ask why. ☹️ 😭 He was feeling somewhat creative.

- this man omg.

- I KNOW from the bottom of my ass that he'd randomly come up to you the next day to be like, "hi sweetie~ can we cuddle again later? I wanna see blobby~"

- that was humiliating to you bro. But mans does not care. He'll burn the face of those who judge.

- plus, blobby is a cute name (to him atleast). Cus belly's have a mini blob inside that stores food. He was literally so proud for being creative.

- yeah, you'll live with this for the rest of your life now. Sending my best regards ig.

Qin shi Huang / ying zheng

- he was so happy to meet with his beloved. He'd just lay on your belly, in his robe. Admiring you and your body, the only thing he could stare at for hours and still love with the same heart.

- he just found it so nice to lay on your belly. And not only that, he wanted a baby soon. Cus bruv needed an heir. Unless you were infertile, that's no problem. He'll just have y'all do a surrogacy or smth, or just adopt. As long as y'all are happy 💕

- he wanted to talk to you about his day, but instead, he went silent. His innocent little face looking at your stomach.

- "my beloved, why is your stomach so noisy? Is it mad at me? :("

- you melted at his innocence, caressing his hair and telling him no. And that it was just happy to see him.

- when I tell you he was overjoyed. I mena he was incredibly overjoyed. He was so happy he could throw a celebration in all of china just because of how happy he was.

- he was so scared that he might've upset your belly, but now that he understood, he was more than willing to be friends. Bro is literally chatting away with your stomach like it was a lifelong friend of his.

- talking about his favorite foods and stuff, anything that came to his head came out his mouth. He was so happy to know he had a new friend to share his interests with.

- just imagine walking in as a guard or something and then suddenly seeing your literal emperor chatting happily to his darling's stomach. 💀

- maybe his eyesight got affected by the blindfold thing he had on...

- "beloved, are you hungry? What about fleshy?"

- if you thought apollo gave your stomach a weird nickname, take a look at this man.

- I know damn well he'd sometimes get jealous at the thought that your stomach got to be with you wherever you went. Getting treated very well. How lucky.

- he's not entirely stupid, he knows a lot about your body. But we all have weird thoughts, don't we? It's only natural.

____

@mxlissaliss thank you for this!! I'm so happy I got to write new characters 😊💕 and I still think ur cat is so adorable😭💕💕

[hall0wedwyrm]

I need comfort after Prime's conclusion

I wrote this kind of quickly last night, but im actually pretty proud of it and i like it lol. Anyway um no spoilers for Prime, i just wanted to write something nice. It's not very long but i had fun writing it :P Enjoy!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another battle against the doctor was concluded. A minimal amount of destruction was achieved once again.

This one was rather tough though. When it was about the Chaos Emeralds, Eggman pulled out his toughest bots and gave it all he had. It was unfortunate that he was up against Sonic, who would also give the battle everything he’d got too. Which happened to make him a tough opponent.

Shadow would always be impressed… he’d obviously never admit that though.

He and Sonic agreed to meet up at their usual post-battle spot, under a secluded tree on a cliff where Shadow used to hang out on his own until he ‘accidently’ invited Sonic along with him. They’d grown a lot closer since doing this, and even if they didn’t talk about anything, it was nice to just enjoy each others company.

Looking over the horizon in thought, Shadow had reflected on his growing appreciation for the blue hedgehog. He found himself doing that a lot more recently, even when he wasn’t completely intending to. He wasn’t quite sure what that meant… but whatever. He knew he cared about Sonic in some way though… Rouge had helped him figure that out.

“Hey!! Faker, is that you?” a voice called. It was Sonic, walking casually towards Shadow.

“Took you long enough.” Shadow responded, in the best joking manner he could muster.

As he approached though, Shadow immediately began to notice a few… differences.

First, the incredibly noticeable gash on his forehead. It was just above his right eye, and had looked like it just about stopped bleeding. He also had a few scuffs on his legs, but nothing as bad as the gash.

“How’s it goin’?” He asked, still keeping his cheery demeanor, despite the slight tiredness in his eyes.

“What…” Shadow hesitated, “What happened to you…?” He whispered. Sonic was stood right in front of him now, and the big gash looked even bigger now.

“Oh…” Sonic looked confused for a second before catching Shadow’s eyeline as he stared up at his forehead wound.

“This thing?” He pointed up to the gash, “It was crazy! Eggman had a huuuge robot and it was throwing a bunch of stuff at us but me and Knux managed to beat it up though and it’s totally not coming back.” He put his hands on his hips triumphantly.

“But… are you alright?” Shadow raised his hand a little, up towards Sonic, who looked a little taken aback by the concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine…? What makes you so worried about it?”

Without really thinking about it, Shadow grabbed him swiftly, pulling him into a close embrace. He held onto Sonic tightly, like if he was to let go, he would be gone forever.

Sonic was completely caught off guard, even making a little gasp noise when Shadow latched onto him. He didn’t really know how to react. He wasn’t much of a hugger, but in this moment it felt… nice.

Before Sonic could even question Shadow on the frankly bizarre gesture, Shadow began to speak first.

“You’re really important… you know that?” He muttered. Sonic was taken aback.

“I… I mean yeah I know,” Sonic says, awkwardly putting his hands on Shadow’s back as his response, “It’s kinda like an extra thing that comes with being a hero.” He lets out a little laugh with his comment.

“You…” Shadow takes a second, giving the hedgehog in his arms a firm squeeze, “You matter to me.”

Some kind of, what he can describe as, honor rushes over Sonic. It was something he’d hear a lot from his friends; Amy said it a lot and Tails did too. Even Knuckles had said it before.

But coming from Shadow? It was definitely significant to him.

Finally, Sonic wrapped his arms around Shadow too, giving him a squeeze back.

“You matter to me too.” He muttered back.

After a few more minutes of holding onto eachother, Shadow finally let Sonic go, but place his hands on his shoulders. There was a tender smile on Shadow’s face. Something that was quite the rare sight, but it was a good one.

“Can I please do something about that on your head now?” Shadow sighed.

Sonic raised an eyebrow, “You can do something about it?”

“I was made to heal, Sonic. Of course I can.”

Shadow pulled Sonic to sit by him under their tree. He pulled out the green chaos emerald from his quills, and held onto it tightly in his hand. It began to glow softly, as Shadow channeled its energy. He then raised his hand up towards the gash on his head. Shadow's hand rested over it for a second, before a slight glow emanated from it.

The slight cold sensation was weird and caused Sonic to react by squeezing his eyes shut, but there was an eventual heat coming from the energy coursing into his head. Sonic was rather amazed. He opened his eyes to peak at Shadow, who remained completely focused on channeling the energy of the emerald.

After a few more seconds, the heat passed and only Shadow's hand remained. He eventually moved his hand away though, as if he was making sure the chaos energy was done flowing.

“There you go.” He kept his voice low, preserving the peace, “It's as if nothing happened…”

Sonic placed his fingertips on the spot where the wound had been, as if he was making sure it was gone.

“Dang…” Sonic muttered, “Why don't you do that more often?” He joked.

“Well I haven't really needed to.” He admitted, putting away the emerald, “I already heal faster, and you've always just got back up again.” Sonic smirked at the remark.

Shadow could immediately see the cogs turning in the others head as he turned to look out at the view. He knew exactly what he was thinking.

“If you're thinking about getting into trouble just so I'll heal you, don't even try.” Shadow folded his arms, giving a smug smile to Sonic. He saw his eyes widen in shock.

“Oh c’mon… I'd never try that.” Sonic replied, with a big grin across his face. Shadow merely rolled his eyes in response, earning a laugh from Sonic.

[jaegersmoon]

hello aims!

two days ago i came out to my mama as bisexual. although, i dont think she understood the meaning of bisexuality because she asked me if having a boyfriend before chnaged my view and if i still loved yoongi from bts LMAO.

anyway, the process was surely difficult and unexpected. i told her because she straight up asked me if i was a lesbian. i quickly told her no at first because i was nervous for her reaction but as soon as i said no, she told me, “ill still support you and love you no matter what!” with a smile so that gave me comfort and reasoning to just out myself to her. i asked what brought this up abd she was telling me she saw my tiktok reposts about loving my girlfriend. so i was like shit but i waited a couple mins before doing so then i told her and her reaction was far different then when she asked me. her face looked different and her attitude was different. she then told me im not mad at you and told me “i dont like it because of our religion” i was silent. i expected a hug of some sort or another “i will support you.” i didnt get that but whatever i stayed strong. she then kept saying she wasnt mad and she wasnt going to tell anyone. i was like okay and then the subject changed.

an hour or two went by, i was playing a game with my girlfriend (my mother doesnt know about her because after that reaction, i couldnt do it.) i received a message from my mother for me to think about liking girls and if thats really what i want basically. i was shocked. i didnt know what to do or say to her. i waited a couple mins as i cried and then i accessed the situation. i told her how im still me and how i understand that shes shocked, but saying this was super hurtful. she apologized, telling me she knows she cant chnage my feelings, but if me being gay was anything that she did or if i was raised wrong. i told her no and how it was never her or my dad because the both raised me great. she then proceeded to tell me shes scared and overprotective because theres hate in this world. i assured her im fine and always have been fine and even went on her level to explain that God would love me no matter what. that he loves all of us no matter what and she liked the message so i assumed she felt okay. she then proceeded to ask if i loved yoongi from bts still LMAO i was like girl yes!!!! she then told me how she wouldn’t tell anyone again and how if i ever need to talk to someone shes there for me. she said she would always love me and never abandon me then that was it.

overall, im feeling okay. somewhat embarrassed and regretful for telling her when i thought she would be fully okay with it! i still think shes still processing.. idk i cant fully be with her and think if shes mad or embarrassed to have me as a daughter. i say embarrassed because she told me she wasnt going to tell anyone because she didnt want anyone to say anything to her not like its their business. although i understand her view of oeople coming at her, it feels like shes embarrassed. idk it feels hurtful still. i just want to like redo my coming out moment😭😭😭 i never wanna experience that kind of feeling again. its also hard too because my girl loves sending me gifts each holiday so im likeHoldup.. now i cant even say its from a friend or else she will think its a girlfrienf which it is but i cant say that! im scared to even bring up the fact i got a girl. aims this is truly scary. idk what to do.

hi bb !! i wanted to say how proud i am of you for your coming out and i feel honored that you opened up to me about your situation. i’m sorry that this moment didn’t turn out as you were expecting and that you mom seems to be giving you mixed reactions on this situation that can be confusing. maybe give her some time to process and then answer any questions she might have bc it came sometimes be hard for people to wrap their heads around something they don’t fully understand. no matter what, never let her change who you are and what you love. again, im very proud of you and i am wishing you only the best in this world. you deserve everything.🤍

[askbensolo]

Hey Ben!

I first found your blog when i was 13 years old and i just turned 18! I’ve been watching (or rather reading) as you’ve grown, and I’d like to say that you seem to have turned out to be a pretty great person. Even though I hadn’t faced the same challenges as you, it was really comforting to know that i was not alone with personal struggles, and just how hard growing up is. Thank you for being you and sharing that with so many people! I head off to university when my planet transitions to fall, and since you’re out of school now do you have and recommendations for college/university? It seems like such a daunting change, but you seemed to have handled it well. (I mean you did graduate so that’s a pretty big success!) Again I’m super proud of you!

-P.S.

Im glad that you’re getting back in contact with Fannie! You should totally invite her on a day out (go to a park, hang out in a market, etc.) I think those are great ways to better connect with someone if they feel a little distant. (plus that could be a perfect opportunity to ask her if she would like to move in with you)!

Thanks! Stay Awesome Ben!

Hey anon! Congrats on becoming an adult! It’s okay if you don’t feel like one yet, haha—Force knows I didn’t when I was eighteen. I’m glad I could share my growing-up experiences with you and everyone! And I'm glad you think I'm a decent guy. I try. Well, usually.

Congrats on getting into university! Oh, what? You're asking me for advice? Well, yeah, I guess I did graduate, heh. Sure, I'll give it a go.

Don’t freak out about not knowing how to do stuff—like not knowing how to buy groceries, or sign a lease, or navigate local speeder lanes, or apply for a job, or any of that. I used to not know how to do any of that. I was freaked out. But somehow, I learned. And now it’s no big deal. Older students and the holonet are your friends when it comes to figuring that stuff out!

For the love of the Force: take care of yourself. Whoever was taking care of you when you were a kid isn’t there anymore. The seven-year-old in you is gonna think that means you can eat ice cream for dinner and stay up till 2am every night. Don’t. Do. That. You’re gonna need to be your own mom now. Or, you can pretend my mom, the OG Space Mom™, lives in your head and lovingly judges your life choices.

Question the things you’ve been taught. And when professors tell you to question the things you’ve been taught, question their questioning too. But don't question things forever. You need to decide what you believe about things, 'cause otherwise someone else is gonna decide for you.

You don't have to choose certain classes (or even an entire major!) just because they line up with your interests. For example—I tried taking a poetry class. Hated it. I didn't like having my creativity cramped by assignments, and I didn't learn anything I didn't already know or couldn't learn on my own.

Don’t feel pressured to date in college. I didn't date anyone (yeah, I know, you're so surprised). Sometimes I felt like I was being left behind, 'cause I saw so many of my friends get into relationships...but, I saw some nasty breakups, too. Things happen when (and if!) they're meant to happen, so there's no need to stress about it. You know?

Try new stuff! Yeah, it sounds cliche. But I let my roommate drag me to the gym when I was a squishy noodly boi, and now lifting's my thing. You never know what you might be into!

Always keep the big picture in mind. Sure, it may feel like the end of the galaxy when you flunk an exam or fail a class. But do you really think you’re gonna care about that when you’re like, fifty? Nah bro. Keep it chill. And sometimes that even means dropping out of a minor or an honors program, if you look into the future and realize it won't really make a difference.

Don't do deathsticks. If anyone offers you deathsticks tell them to go home and rethink their life.

That's all the advice I can currently think of, though I'm always happy to share more from my infinite (not really) stores of wisdom! And thanks for your advice, too—those totally sound like things Fannie would be into.

Thanks for reaching out! You're gonna do great at college, little buddy!

[kickinganddriving]

Mirrorball- Christian Pulisic

Notes: this one was requested by @starry-night-reid. Im so proud of myself for this one

Song Suggestion: Mirrorball- Taylor Swift

Paring: Reader x Christian Pulisic 

Word count; 1k

Warnings: Swearing (if you squint), a bit of angst, reader has un-named childhood trauma, Marriage 

When no one is around, my dear

You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes

Spinning in my highest heels, love

Shining just for you

You’ve always kept your guard up for the rest of the world, but when it came to Christian, you know it’s no good. He breaks down every wall you have ever put up one by one, taking little pieces of your personality, and putting them together to reveal the person you once were. It felt like he was the only person who really cared about you, and he was one of the first people you honestly cared about. 

At the moment you found yourself dancing to jazz music with the love of your life. The moment felt unreal, the soft music playing in the background, the tall man guiding your movement, the slight scratch of your heels on the hardwood floors of your apartment, and the warmth you felt with him on this cold winter night. Everything felt right.

“You know you have the most beautiful smile babe,” Christian says and he reaches you out for you to do a spin back into his arms.

“Do I?” You ask him as you spin back into him to place a soft kiss on his jawline.

“Would I lie to you?” He asks sounding offended in a joking way.

“Only if you were trying to butter me up for something” you quip back.

“What if I was?” He says as you scrunch your nose in confusion.

The next thing you know Christian is propped down on his right knee and pulling a velvet box out of his pocket. All you wanted to do was feel happy but all you felt was anxiety.

I've never been a natural

All I do is try, try, try

I'm still on that trapeze

I'm still trying everything

To keep you looking at me

Love was something you’ve never been a natural at. Sometimes it feels like you keep on trying to make sure Christian knows you love him back. It’s not that you don’t feel any love for him, it’s more that you never learned how to show love as a child, so now you have to work so hard to show any form of affection.

“So, will you do me the honor of marrying me?” Christian asks with a child-like smile on his face.

You stand there in pure silence, all you want to do is say yes. But, the anxiety is telling you to say no and cut your losses. But in your heart, you don’t want to lose him. All of the conflicting emotions are collected into the expression on your face. At that moment Christian knew that there was something you both need to talk about. He slowly stands up, as your exact posture and expression stay the same. He puts the ring back in his pocket and pulls you into a comforting hug. To this, your body knew how to respond.

You both stood in the center of your living room, holding each other in a hug for a solid minute. Before Christian pulls away and guides you to the couch where the both of you sit side by side with your bodies angled towards the other.

“What's wrong, was it something that I said, was I moving too fast?” Christian asks in pure concern for your relationship.

The guilt started to set in, you realized that this was bigger than you and your emotions, this had a whole other person that you cared so deeply about involved.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” You managed to say in the midst of everything you were feeling.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Christian says now worried.

“No, I would never! I’m just worried that I’m not giving you all that you need, and in the future, you get bored, or realize that you don’t love me! I love you as much as I can physically love someone, but what if that's not enough for you? I don’t want to tie you down to me, I don’t want the love you get to come from damaged goods” You exclaim with a worried tone.

Christian sits there in silence as you both look at each other, peering into the other's soul for a minute. The apartment is completely silent, not even Chris’s dogs are making any noise. That was until you heard Christian's voice speak in a soft tone.

“The love that you give me is more than enough for me, and you are not damaged goods, you are beautiful, kind, funny, and any or all positive adjectives in the English dictionary. The way you love is special, it feels like it’s only made for me to understand. No one has ever loved me the way that you do and I don’t want anyone to.”

“Really?” You ask wanting to make sure this isn’t a sick, twisted, joke that he’s playing on you.

“yes.” He responds with a soft smile on his face. It hits him then that you were always the one for him. No matter how far he has to travel for work, how sad he is after a loss, or how happy he is about winning a game, he always thought about you and what you were doing. Your attitude, mannerisms, and everything about you seemed like the most perfect thing to him. And it's almost like you read his exact thoughts when you said...

“Ok, I will marry you” 

With no words, Christian slips the ring on your finger with nothing but a smile on his face.

“I love you my shining mirrorball” Christian softly whispers in your ear.

“I love you to my disco dancer” 

I'm a mirrorball

I'll show you every version of yourself

Tonight

-hands down the most emotional thing that i’ve ever written I hope you all love it!

[placentaeater999]

More Ramblings!

I forgot to tell you, my friends, that this May 10th or 11th marked 10 (ten) whole years since I first came out as a trans man!

(Im open to asks/questions/new friends, i believe education is an important part of the path to acceptance)

TL;DR: trans kids become trans adults, trans kids you absolutely fucking belong on this planet and you are loved and cherished, if not by your own family then by me bc im adopting you now as your older brother. My experience as a trans man is below the cut

I came out at the age of 11, back in early 2014, just before trans ppl and bathrooms had really started to catch the eye of the general public.

My dad was quick to support my medical transition, and while my ma took a moment, she got there. My dad ended up only really supporting me if i matched his machismo ideals, but this has gotten a lot better over the years.

I have been extremely INCREDIBLY lucky to be able to come out and successfully begin my transition at such a young age and every day im grateful for that. That being said, I lost a lot of family because of it. I lost close and important friendships because of it. I felt shame for such a long ass time because of it. I was bullied by students, parents, and teachers. I've been assaulted, Ive faced medical discrimination numerous times, I was the first trans patient at this psych ward i went to and got weird treatment. I have struggled a lot with feeling like i belong in this world. And now at the age of 21 I still do sometimes.

But

With all the bad things that've happened.

The family that stayed ive grown closer with. The new friends i FINALLY made in college are so incredibly supportive and I'm lucky that most of them are also trans or queer in some way (most of my friends are long distance but idc theyre my best friends). I wouldnt trade them for the world. I I havent had a typical teen experience but I've gotten to lead important projects for the safety of trans students at my high school, I've been a part of my university's qsa, I've gotten to serve on a panel for GLSEN Los Angeles where I worked with city officials on how to make la safer for trans/nb people. I've had my art about being trans get into galleries and I've won a couple awards for it. I get to attend other queer events near me and sell my art there and meet other queer folks in a town that's not a super safe place to be queer in.

I've gotten to see people grow and change their opinions on trans ppl bc now they know one and understand the concept better. Ive gotten the absolutely honor of people telling me that because I'm so open about myself that they began to feel comfortable exploring more about thelmselves.

I've lived more in these past 10 years than a lot of people will in 20. And as hard as its been I'm so FUCKING proud of how far I've come and I can't wait for the next 10.

It's not always glamorous, it's fucking hard as hell. For a long while I'd trade being a trans man for being a cis woman in a heartbeat, but now I wouldn't trade being trans for the world.

[wambsgansshoelaces]

hi! i’m the anon that called u numba one 🏆 just saw ur post about living with pcos and struggling with weight loss. i don’t have pcos, but i have endometriosis and a whole arsenal of ailments that would take forever to list. oh also im a wlw like u 😁i’m not the wisest person, but i will say that you have to be kind to yourself. even when you’re crying seven times in the doctors office. feel the disappointment, and the sadness, and know that it will not go on forever. sometimes being kind to yourself is allowing yourself to be sad without feeling weak for being sad. no one knows what’s going on in your mind but you, so let it flow freely. also you’re a fantastic writer,,, i literally have your notifs on and check your page everyday, and that’s coming from someone who’s been reading fanfiction for like 10 years. not many people can envision a scene so human and translate it into words as you do. your execution is flawless, but not clinical and robotic, it evokes warmth and real emotion. you give that freely to the general public of tumblr, and you should know we love you and your beautiful brain for it. i hope you find comfort in knowing other people like you are provided with a safe escape in your writing, if only for a moment. lord knows we do.

(ps, try intermittent fasting if you haven’t already ;))

(p.p.s. call me 🏆 anon )

anon will you give me a hug

I feel like you’re the older sibling I don’t actually have- tangent but my parents aren’t exactly the best people and I’m the eldest of all my siblings so you leaving this for me in my ask box genuinely made me cry. I’m so grateful that I finally have people who care and are so kind and thoughtful 🩷 I really will try and take your advice. It’s just that I’ve felt so upset and have had so much pent up depression that it’s just so difficult for me to not think I’m a horrible person just because I’m sad all the time if you know what I mean

and yes I’m wlw and still trying to come to terms with that yk? like I wish I could be loud and proud but I just can’t bc of what’s around me

and you have notifs on??? oh my god I’m so honored!!!! I need to stop shitposting… sorry for lol of the garbage you’ve seen 🏆…

what you’ve said about my writing is on god the nicest, most wonderful thing anyone’s ever said to or about me. you don’t understand what it means to me when you say my writing evokes emotion and makes you feel things. genuinely I have no words in response to that, I’m just so honored and just happy that you think so. coming from years of just a depressed state, I’d cling to any sort of media- tv shows, films, especially x reader fanfiction because it made it like I wasn’t actually suffering and that I have someone who loves me. I know nobody wants to read about this lol but genuinely (I’ve said that a million times already), genuinely, I could die tomorrow happy knowing that my work has made people feel better or made people just happy. I’m so, so, glad that my work is an escape for you. you’re always welcome on my blog, in my ask box, in my pms, whatever. I love you so so much 🫶🏽

(I’m really trying with food… my relationship is so unhealthy with it but I’ll let you know how it goes!)

[betterthanhappily]

I haven’t opened this app in a very long time, keeping it stored away on my phone as a memory of all the times i’ve had. Today i come back in honor of Liam. I created this blog way back in 2013, and to be a part of something so huge, so special, i am eternally grateful. I hope Liam is at peace. He didn’t deserve to go out that way, he had so many years ahead of him. Everybody deserves a chance to redeem themselves and it breaks my heart to think he went out thinking everyone hated him, and that he was truly alone. We can acknowledge the things he has done wrong while simultaneously mourning the loss of him. One Direction built the person i am today, a crucial part of my life and identity. The worst years of my life were 2010-2016 and i always had the boys to look to. The music drowned out the noises of family arguments, the video diaries blocked out the bad things happening behind closed doors. I truly believe i wouldn’t be here today if one direction didn’t come into my life. The friendships and relationships created from the fandom are so surreal. it’s so strange to think we left this fandom behind only for us to come back and everything is the same, but now so different. These feelings are so weird. I feel like I lost a part of me in the strangest way and i can’t help but feel so lost thinking of how he must have felt. I can only hope he is at peace now, and nothing can hurt him. I hope his victims don’t feel at fault, as their voices are important and deserve to be heard, i hope they treat themselves kindly. I hope his family can heal in knowing his mental battle is over. Although i feel like we all knew a reunion wasn’t going to happen, it was never out of the realm of possibility before. now it truly will never be the same as it was , we never will see them all together again. I’m 24 now and i feel like the 12 year old me is the one feeling all these feelings. i just want to give her a big hug and comfort her, as the band did when i needed it before. It will take me a while to really believe this has happened , but i hope we can all heal and remember him as he was, the boy with a dream that made it happen. He achieved so much in his life he had so much to be proud of, and i hope up there he can feel that we are so so proud. I don’t really know what i expect to feel or gain out of this but this was my escape back then. i ran twitter accounts and instagrams and tumblrs all to keep tabs on them. it’s weird how things end up. Sending all of my love and gratitude to Liam, for all the memories and times he has helped save me , and many others, and he may have not even known. i can’t believe im saying it but

Rest in peace Liam.

Love always and forever.

Thank you for everything.

[neteluvr-library]

okay im back again for my weekly reread of cardigan. anyways these next three chapters are so good and literally so fucking amazing and will never get over how good they are the dialogue is amazing and one of my favorite details EVER and i have been waiting for this moment for the last week weeks and im finally here AHHHHHHH i am excited to actually go through and leave my little notes hehehehe (not me playing around with the annotation formatting tumble is so annoying about indenting that i CANT)

It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

THE VISCERAL REACTION!!!!! "I pictured you with other girls in love Then threw up on the street" 😭 100% valid reaction I would do the same thing.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

ITS GETTING GOODDDD 😭

There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

BABY THATS THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM !!!!!!

...but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life.

Neteyam annoyed me so bad during this like bro omg maybe you should have said all this BEFOREEEEE it was too late 😭 men have the worst timing HE HAD PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY DAMN IT

You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating.

NO BC like...i took astronomy class in college and was proud to get this reference hahaah like it really is sad that stars are so beautiful and bring us so much comfort, yet their time is limited. i think its a perfect reflection of what atan believes her life to be

There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

SHES DOWN BAD YOUR HONOR!!! at this point atan is just so done with life, both physically and mentally, that it literally does not matter anymore. you can tell she's given up on hope completely and is a shell of a person right now

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

MAN JAKE BETTER STFU!!!!!!! like don't piss me off . i get his concern but he better watch his tone with atan. POOR BBY IS SUFFERING AND NEEDS LOVE AND INSTEAD, ALL SHE GETS IS BETRAYAL!!!!

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

THATS RIGHT ATAN GET HIS ASS 😭 no but what does jake expect? that's a huge fucking betrayal and she has every right to feel as angry and hurt. like she spent the last few years guarded and to herself, and the one time atan decides to push that to the side, she is betrayed by everyone. like i get that it was neteyam's responsibility and even jake threatened him before and told neteyam he needed to to tell atan, it doesn't sit right with me that they all had her looking stupid especially when they all know just how much of a bond they had together. the second atan got her new body, both neytiri and jake should have had a serious conversation with neteyam 😭

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

Tuk standing and wondering what the fuck did she do wrong HAHAHAHA

For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

):

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

FIRST OFF OUCH!!!!!!! atan thinking that she is so forgettable that she even has to question whether of no neteyal would remember her. i 100% think he would without a doubt, atan would be like a mythical legand to his kids (you know, if she actually died). but also it's very sad that she has to question whether she will end up like her father because life has been so cruel to her. like woah how did her life even get to this point where there's a possibility she could relive her dad's fate despite having lived completely different lives?

“Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

THIS WHOLE LITTLE SPEECH 😭 i think everyone has thought this to themselves at one point if their lives, perhaps even their lowest point of life, because like yeah what is her purpose?? what was she meant to do? it can be so harrowing trying to figure out your purpose in life when all life wants to do is be mean to you. this was just so relatable and i love it ): I think Atan is probably the most relatable to mean than out of your other female characters ahahaha

You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left.

RAW AS FUCK!!!! (literally her arm is probably raw af) but i think this was an important detail for us to visualize just how far atan is from being okay and any semblance of normal. i mentioned this another chapter, but i really do love the inclusion of atan's dependence on drugs to keep her going because its the most poignant way to showcase someone's depression and despair.

You gave it a fair shot, this life thing

AGAIN, SHES ONLY A BABY ): SHES ONLY 18!!!!!! i think at 18 i felt like i knew everything, but looking back, its still so young and its so sad because at 18 you still have so much to live for and atan just felt like she didn't ):

You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out.

I always loved this line!!!! because like a wild animal, atan is just defending herself from everyone around her and her inevitable death. she's no longer herself.

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13?

ATAN RELEASE BACK TO BACK BOMBS ON NORM ON THIS SCENE it must have felt so good for her to get all of this off her. SHES TELLING EVERYONE OFF, because what else does she have to live for? might as well burn the bridges and die with everything being said, no matter how mean or nasty it may be.

Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you.

For some reason, this reminded me of these lyrics from You're Losing Me:

How long could we be a sad song 'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life? I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier

You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

This was so beautiful ): their relationship is so interesting because there's such a dichotomy between them. like both of them have both painful and loving memories with each other but its like how could that be at the same time??? like i said with neteyam before, i think they both love so hard that it becomes painful which has unfortunately lead to them the mess they're in right now

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

SCREAMING CRYING SOBBING VOMITTING I CANJNT neteyam being her rock ):

Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

let's unpack that babygirl

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

DONT PISS ME OFF NETEYAM!!!! i truly think men are very stupid and at their core....just men.n even the most dreamiest of men, like neteyam, are men. i just cant get behind his reasoning even when he explains himself with so much emotion. because like THATS the best he could come up with? like how is he both selfish and selfless at the same time? it just feels like he's so centered on himself that even in his valiant efforts, he wasn't truly thinking about atan and how this might affect her. like who are you to decide that for atan, she is capable of making her own decisions and choosing who she wants in her life. i have beef with him now LMFAO maybe you can give me some clarity

just you and me

hehehehheheheh

Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

.....but you still left her.

You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes.

EXACTLY!!!!! i just cant wrap my head around neteyam's reasoning. i wish i had more words to describe how i feel about it but i cant actually verbalize it into a sentence.

The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

you are so poetic like i will never get over it

To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

Cause they see right through me They see right through me They see right through Can you see right through me?

no bc this life was so relatable to me and i felt so called out and i still feel called out because i truly feel like this sometimes. and its like atan was just so good at hiding her hurt and it makes me so sad to realize that no one know just how much she was hurting ): i know she wanted it that way but to have all of that on display for someone else to see is, again, another way to showcase just how far gone she is from her "normal" self

All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out

Neteyam gagged her omg...

What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you?

NO LITERALLY WHAT WAS ATAN THINKING like as much as i think neteyam is bad for leaving her, atan is even worse for not telling everyone she was dying. like it would be so traumatizing just to die and leave everything and everybody unresolved because atan was too afraid to speak the truth.

OKAY I STARTED THIS AT LIKE 6:30 AND ITS CURRENTLY 8:11 DAMN!!!!!!!!! to be fair i was going back and fourth between my phone and this and im gonna draft it until i finish the other two chapters but no way im gonna finish it all tonight especially for the next chapter LOL

Illicit Affairs | Chapter VIII: My Tears Ricochet

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: All secrets are revealed and both you and Neteyam have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Warnings: pure angst, mentions of death, mental illness, addiction, self-injury, limited mentions of Y/N, did i mention angst, angst and more angst?

Word Count: 10,3k words (the first couple chapters were 3k, how did we get here??!)

A/N: This chapter killed me a little inside. I cried multiple times writing it, so I guess fair warning. I wanted really badly to build strong, round characters who had flaws and strengths and strong reasoning for acting a certain way/doing certain things. I wanted to write this story from both character's perspective, so it is clear that in life, each person will think they are right, that their reasoning was the correct one, when in reality, we are all a little right and a little wrong in everything we do, and it is always worth trying to see things from the other's perspective. We are coming towards the end of this first series, so I hope you enjoy this chapter and the rest of this journey. As always, thank you so much for everyone who engaged with it, I loved reading ALL of your comments and replies, they really make my day.

(Also, I feel like I am playing my own little game of "how many Taylor Swift and OG Avatar lyrics/quotes/references I can reasonably fit in a story without it being obnoxious" and I can't tell if I'm winning or not.)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

You registered the girl asking you if you were alright, but you couldn’t see in front of you, the entire room spinning like the inside of a mirrorball. You felt your body rise from where it was sat next to Neteyam’s, and shakily made your way out. Neteyam’s mate. Neteyam’s mate was next to you, asking you if you need help. It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” you manage to blurt out weakly.

You heard more commotion, and faintly made out Jake’s voice and his arm on your shoulder, trying to bring you back to them.

“Neteyam, what the hell happened?”

You didn’t hear Neteyam speak. He was quiet and you were glad. You didn’t want to hear his voice, not now, and not for the rest of your life.

The world came back to focus eventually, and you spit aggressively trying to get rid of the taste of acid in your mouth. You removed Jake’s hand from your back, and left. The thought of speaking or even looking at any of them was too much to bear. You ran, harder than you ever had before, back to where you just came from, the Ikran nest in the village. You immediately recognised your own, beautiful, gold and white, pure, unlike the rest of this world. Neyn (light colours, shades of white)… fitting name, you thought. You made the tsaheylu quickly, and without a second thought, took off.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

You had no thoughts as you flew above the forest and made your way towards the general direction of the Hallelujah mountains. You realised you didn’t know where you were going, you didn’t know how you were going to find your way back, but it didn’t matter. Were you even going to ever return? There were no tears, no sadness, just emptiness. The pieces of your heart broke so finely they turned into dust, blown away in the wind of the night. Eventually you found the mountains, easy enough to spot, even in the darkness, the fluorescent flora marking the territory with an easy-to-see glow. You flew like this, for enough time that your lungs were running out of breath and your skin felt battered by the wind, but you kept going. You felt so free, so weightless. There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

You saw a distant mountain that looked brighter than the others, and you made your way to it and were amazed to find a little cave in it, bright and colourful, a little piece of heaven on a planet that was heaven in and of itself. Neyn landed softly on the edge of the mountain and you dismounted effortlessly and approached her head, giving her pets on her neck, to which she cooed gently. She was the only friend you had, you realise. You were all alone.

“Neteyam, what happened?”

Neteyam was dragged in the tent by his dad, who was fuming. No matter what feelings his dad was feeling, they couldn’t compare to Neteyam’s anguish and terror. Why the hell was she there? She just had to wait another couple of hours and this would have never happened.

“She was patching my wound up when Tiongli came in the tent, announcing to the world she is my mate. Said mother told her about my injury.”

“Don’t you dare blame this on your mother, boy.” the Sully patriarch’s nose was flared, eyes looking at him intensely with anger and disappointment. Neteyam’s eyes filled with tears, and he felt his heart hurting so much like the gash was there instead of his arm.

“I was going to tell her tonight, dad. After dinner. I was going to tell her everything, and I was going to ask her to be my mate. I was going to come to you both and ask you to undo the engagement. I understand that a year and a half ago I gave up on her, I did it for a reason, I thought there was no future for us, and that we were hurting each other. But things have changed. She has changed. She’s going to be one of the people soon and I want her to be mine.”

“Neteyam, you can’t undo the engagement. You have known Tiongli your whole life, her family’s been expecting this since you were both young. You gave your word before Eywa, son.”

“I love her, dad. Do you understand that? I have loved her all of my life. It killed me having to leave, it killed me knowing there was no future, because she was human. But she’s not just human anymore. I was willing to go through with this for the sake of the village, for the sake of the family and the future, but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life. Mother was betrothed to uncle Tsu’tey, and she gave that up for you. It was done before Eywa, and she didn’t care. Because she loved you and she knew that was enough. She gave up being Tsahik, her birth right, so she can have you. I will not give up on her, dad. Mother wouldn’t have given up on you.”

“I have to find her. I have to make this right.”

You were sprawled on your back, feeling goosebumps form along your limbs from the cold grass. You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating. Will you even still be alive when they come? Will everything you have gone through these few months matter? Will everything you have gone through in this life matter? All the pain, and the hurt, and the grief, just so you can die at 18 from a virus. The universe was cruel, you thought. It was a fitting end, though. Meaningless and daft, like your entire life was. Born on a planet you were not made to be able to survive on, your real planet a long-forsaken dream you will never experience for yourself, surrounded by nature that could kill you in an instant. Alone, never fitting anywhere, orphaned by human diseases: cancer and greed. Left to fend for yourself when you were just ten, learning to navigate a life that only seemed to want to clobber you to the ground whenever you thought you finally could stand up again.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel, not anymore. You wanted to fight for something, for the chance at life, or at retribution, or at love. You were dying and Neteyam killed whatever hope remained in you. They all did. Norm, Max, Jake, Neytiri, Lo’ak, Kiri, Spider, all accomplices, all aware, all willing to lie to your face for weeks with no remorse. You thought you were good at spotting liars, now you just knew how little you knew about everything.

The pain in your soul mirrored the one in your body, as you felt the morphine wearing off and your human body struggling to keep the mind steady for the link. You had to bear it, because this pain was more manageable than the one you knew waited for you in your human form, when you would be alone in a dark room with only your nightmares to keep you company.

With a sigh and a peer up at the sky, you hoped whatever comes after death was better than the hell you’ve lived in the majority of this life.

Neteyam waited the whole night in your tent, waited for you to come back, becoming increasingly worried as the hours passed and you didn’t show. He wanted to go and look for you, but knew that as soon as you got on your ikran, the chances of finding you were thin. He would go to the lab as soon as dawn broke, but for now, he was praying that you would just burst through the tent opening so he can talk you down.

He fucked up, badly. He cringed at the thought of how much he seemed to not be able to get anything right when it comes to you. Everything he did or didn’t do ended up hurting you more, the only thing he didn’t want, the only thing in the world he continuously tried to avoid.

He was consoled by the fact that he would have a lifetime to make it up to you. He will not give up trying, no matter how long, no matter how hard, he was determined to win you back and keep you, forever.

As you made it back to your human body in the early hours of the morning, you regretted waiting so long, as your body was in indescribable agony, the likes with which you didn’t know was possible for the human body to ever experience. Your heart was beating a mile a minute, you were sweating bullets and every bone and muscle in your body throbbed with enough intensity to make it almost impossible for you to get up from the pod. Everyone must be asleep at this hour, you thought. You had to make it to your bed, you had to get at least a couple of hours of rest if you were going to live to see another day. As if you were taking the Iknimaya again, you made your way form the lab to the medical ward and injected another dose of the morphine in your system. There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

You crashed in your room for a few hours and quickly made your way back to the pod before anyone else was there to talk to. You started the linkpod by yourself and got in without hesitation.

Waking up in your Avatar body was a strange experience, as you were still in the Hallelujah mountains where you fell asleep last night. Neyn did not leave you, you noted, and she was peacefully resting next to you, cooing softly in her sleep.

“Hey, beautiful girl. Time to go back. It would be useful if you knew the way.” you pet her gently, trying not to disturb her. She woke up and pushed her snoot in your chest, and you felt it swell for this animal that you had an unbreakable bond with; you were grateful you had done the Iknimaya and at least gained a life companion from that horrible day.

As suspected, Neyn knew where to take you, and in about an hour you made it back to the village. You dreaded it, dreaded the inevitable interaction, but you knew you had to go back at some point and inform them of your whereabouts.

It was still early, so the village wasn’t quite bustling with energy yet. You quietly made it back to your tent, which you found empty. You grabbed your bow and arrows, knife and gun and a couple extra magazines. You didn’t know if you were going to be back. As you were making your way out, your head bumped into a large, muscular chest.

Fuck.

“Where the hell were you all night, kid? None of us slept a wink last night worrying.”

“Out.”

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

You laughed at the irony of his words. He caught your arm as you were walking away and pulled you back forcefully so you can face him.

“You are not going anywhere.”

“Let go.” Jake raised a brow at your words. He was not used to being spoken this way, you realise.

“How long?”

His grasp on you loosened, and his gaze softened when you peered up at him through eyelashes to which tears clung.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Kid…”

“How fucking long, Jake?”

He let go of your arm at your curse, which had never been directed at him before.

“Watch your tone, kid.”

“You made me feel like shit for learning to shoot guns without you. It made you feel bad, right? Knowing I purposefully left you out of something you could have been useful at, something we could have bonded over? I hurt you, by pushing you and Neytiri away for so many years, and I am sorry for that, but you have never, in your life, tried to understand me. So you gave me shit about something you didn’t understand, and I hurt so much inside at the thought of all I gave away by my reluctance to trust, to love, to let people in. So I changed. I let you in. I was here, everyday, acting like a perfect little daughter for you, the daughter I knew you wanted. Strong, capable, skilled. I let Neytiri in. I started calling her mum in my dreams, and although the guilt for my own mother gnawed at my insides silently, I was also relived, to finally have a family again, or for the first time.

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

I trusted you, Jake. You fucking lied to my face for months. Every time I asked where Neteyam was at dinners and you told me he was practicing, every day you plotted to get me out of the village as early morning as humanly possible and get me back after everyone else was fast asleep, I knew it in my heart you were lying, but you were all so good at it, I thought I was going crazy. But no, it was all a carefully planned ruse to not find out you made me come here and be part of the people just to watch the man I love belong to someone else without even a chance to decide for myself how to feel about it.”

The fight brought out the rest of the Sully family out of their tent, and they were all watching you now, concern and sadness displayed across their beautiful faces.

“You all lied to me. Looked me in the fucking eyes and lied to me, every day, multiple times a day. You were supposed to be my family.

The humans are coming. I will be here. I will stand and fight, you know I will. I will be your little soldier, and be who you made me into.

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

You were no longer delightfully numb, but burning with anger and earth-shattering sorrow as you stalked away from the village, leaving everything behind. Your eyes were blurry with endless tears, mourning this life and this family that you managed to gain and lose within the span of a few weeks, reeling from the wounds within your heart that never had a chance to mend before being opened again, over and over. You didn’t want to go back to the lab, knowing Neteyam was most likely looking for you there. You couldn’t go to the clearing for the same reason. You had no home anymore, no place in this world, once again. You could only think of one place to go, one place where no one would ever look for you.

Your knees were shaking furiously as you walked, and you were scared of another flashback that you would have to ride out by yourself, but it never came. You just walked, crying and panting from all the pain the last 24 hours brought, and eventually you made it to a place you never thought you would ever see again. The clearing looked peaceful, with rays of light penetrating through tree branches, creating Mandalas on the ground that you found yourself tracing with your eyes.

In the corner, lay a decrepit exo suit, and you made your way to it, settling on the ground next to it. You knew now this exo suit belonged to your dad, and you removed some vines that grew on top of his name, Gideon Barlowe. A beautiful name, you thought, and your mind wandered to the past, a past way before you were even born, and wondered what your grandparents did back on Earth. Did they encourage their son to leave his own planet in pursuit of planetary colonisation, monetary gain and murderous acts? Did they know? Did he know? Was he like that his whole life, or did he start off fighting the good fight, and was corrupted by the jagged and monstrous lifestyle? You wondered if this was what he has always dreamt of doing, or he had secret dreams of being a painter, or a gardener. Did he play guitar, too? You snored sometimes, did you get that from him? You had so many questions for this man you shared half your DNA with, but have never met. For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

Sobbing uncontrollably, you heard yourself speak in between wails. “Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

A little past eclipse, you arrived at the lab, and used the keycard you remembered to bring with you. You hoped Neteyam would be gone by now, in case he was trying to find you here. You made your way through the hub and into your bedroom, which looked tiny in your Avatar body. You realise how uncomfortable it must have been for him to be here so often, then cursed your brain for making you think about such things. Your Avatar body needed a bed, so you walked slowly to where the other Avatar bodies usually were laid to rest for the night. There should be an empty space where your mum or Grace used to sleep. It didn’t take long for you to wake up back in the linkpod, as with most nights recently, you were barely able to maintain the neurolink by the time evening came.

Max was waiting for you. “Neteyam came by. He’s been looking for you, said you left the village yesterday and didn’t come back. He was worried sick.”

You didn’t answer him, as you slowly got out of the pod and tried to steady your feet on the ground, harder than it seemed when the entire room was spinning around you.

“What happened?”

“The mate you all hid from me for weeks came announcing herself in my tent as we were just about to kiss.”

“Any other questions?”

You didn’t wait for a response before you made your way out of the room, stalking towards the medical ward.

As you retired to your room for the night, you noted the morphine was not working as well as used to anymore. You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left. Maybe a couple of days. A couple more days of this. And then it would finally be over. You gave it a fair shot, this life thing. You couldn’t say you felt particularly sad at the thought of it ending. You pressed play on your vintage record player and let yourself sleep.

“Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day”

You spent the next 2 days in a haze, drugged out of your mind, waking up before eclipse and leaving to your dad’s grave and sleeping in the woods until the night, barely able to make it on your own two feet. Even in your human body, Neyn recognised you, and stood by you, which gave you some peace of mind. You made sure to bring her fruits from the lab, and she cooed warmly as she settled next to you.

When you made your way back that night, Norm was waiting.

“Where the hell have you been? Everyone’s been looking for you for 3 fucking days.”

You removed your oxygen mask and made your way to the room, where he followed you. You were in so much pain you couldn’t see straight.

“I am talking to you!” he took you by your arm and spun you around. The motion made you instantly sick, and you struggled to keep down the fruits you shared with your ikran.

“Let go of me, Norm.” you had no strength in your body anymore, so it took you awhile to shake him off.

“You look like shit. What did you do?”

You managed to make it to the bathroom, where you shut the door behind you and got in the shower. Fortunately, for you or him, you couldn’t tell, Norm was gone when you came out.

The next morning, you woke up desperately searching for pain relief and didn’t know if you were going to be able to make it to the ward before your knees would collapse on themselves. You were shaking and dizzy, out of your mind with agony and walking to the bathroom felt like the most intensive workout you have ever done. You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out. It was too much for you to bear, and before you could even think or rationalise, you felt your fingers curl into a fist and make contact with the cold glass of the mirror, shattering in dozens of pieces, and it made you weirdly happy to have a visual representation of how your soul felt. The instant pain of the all the wounds the smash caused also gave you a weird sense of euphoria, and you realised it was taking away from the pain in the rest of the body, which was only able to focus on one agonising sensation at a time. This felt like a kiss by comparison, and you knew then you could go on a little longer, you could continue with the rest of the day.

Norm came bursting through the door at the loud crash.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

You came out of your bathroom, blood dripping all over the floor as you made your way to the bed, sitting down on it.

“Leave, Norm.”

“What?”

“Leave.”

“What the hell has gotten into you recently. you are rude and brash, and you hurt people’s feelings with no remorse. This isn’t you.”

“What the hell do you know about me, Norm?” you say, laughing bitterly.

“Ace, stop.”

“You don’t know anything, Norm.” you kept going, the fury and hurt getting the best of you, once again, your need to destroy everything in your path as a way to cope with your own heartbreak winning by a landslide.     

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13? I have been slowly depleting our sleeping pill and benzodiazepines inventory and replacing it with multivitamin pills I found in one of the drawers. I mean thank God none of you suffer from anxiety or panic disorder or need help sleeping cause I would have been busted so long ago.”

You laughed mockingly at his shocked face, jaw so close the floor now you could trip on it on your way out.

“Did you know I am about a week and a half away from dying after I accidentally smashed a vial of infected blood and got it in my mouth?”

You stand corrected, you think now his jaw was close enough to the floor to trip on it.

“Did you know I have upgraded from a pill addiction to a full blown opioid addiction in order to not collapse on the floor in excruciating pain because of the way this virus is eating at my insides? Yeah, yeah, that’s right. We’re almost out of a whole vial of morphine after I injected it in my veins every day for a while now.”

He had no words. “That’s about right.”

“I do know one thing you do know, though. You know that Neteyam had his mate announcement ceremony that day I took off. You were there to see the two love birds announce their love and pledge their commitment to each other the one day I was not there. And that’s why you were acting shifty. You know about that. And somehow you forgot to tell me, every day, for weeks. How does that work out, Norm, hmm?”

“I felt so bad for snapping at you a couple of days ago. I felt like a horrible fucking person for hurting your feelings. I should have been watching my back, instead.”

You got up from your bed and started walking towards the door.

“If I were you I would not linger in a room with poisoned blood dripping on the floor for too long.”

You found some paper towels at the side of your bed and wrapped them around your bleeding, pained hand, and with that, you left.

After you upped the morphine you usually took, you went to the lab and prepped a hood for some more experiments. Work was a good way to get your mind off things, to mindlessly do something that had a purpose other than driving you to the brink of insanity.

You heard a loud banging noise coming from the entrance, and you had a sneaking suspicion you knew who it was. You heard Norm open the door.

“Is she here?”

“Yeah, but Neteyam, I think you should go. She’s not in a good place, and I really don’t think doing this will end well for either of you.”

“I don’t care, I have to talk to her, I have been looking for her for 3 fucking days.”

You heard the door to the lab slide open and hissed at the man you knew would be trying to come in, realising hissing in a human body doesn’t have nearly the same effect.

“Get the fuck out, Neteyam. This is a sterile room.”

“I don’t fucking care about the room, Atan. Where the fuck have you been? Please come out so we can talk.”

You threw your head back and laughed, really laughed.

“You really are delusional if you think there is any way in heaven and hell I would want to hear anything you have got to say. The time for talking was a couple months ago, Neteyam. The time for talking was the first day I got my Avatar body, where in addendum to telling me you own my ass now, you could have also sprinkled in the fact your are now mated with someone else.”

“I am not mated with anyone, for fuck’s sake. Just come out so we can talk, please. I will explain everything, please!”

You stopped what you were doing and looked at him, for the first time since that day. He looked exhausted, anguished. Deep purple bags under his eyes, that were burning red where the whites should be. He has been crying. Good, you thought. He looked panicked and miserable and desperate for you to give him the time of day, for you to allow him to explain the unexplainable.

You sighed and your heart constricted in pain. Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you. At the same time, you were curious, morbidly curious as to what has actually happened, what led to this moment. You knew he loved you. You knew that much, but it didn’t seem to matter in this moment, as he broke your heart for what felt like the thousandth time in your short life.

“Go to the clearing, I’ll come when I’m ready.”

You half considered just leaving him there to wait, abandoning him just he did to you. You finished splitting your cells and treating them, and in about an hour, you went into the linkpod and took your Avatar for a walk in the woods. You reached the clearing shortly, as it was close enough that even child you could do it without getting too far away from the building.

You saw him standing there, his back turned to you and his legs submerged in the river that was rushing violently downstream. It was a cold day, and rain was trickling down your body like shivers from a kiss. There was tension in the air, and you knew a storm was coming. You could practically feel the charge in the atmosphere, and were expecting thunder to start any minute now, ready to mirror the agony in your soul.

“I’m here.”

He didn’t speak for a while. Just stood looking at the river, deep in thought.

“So many of our moments throughout the years happened here. Remember when I taught you to swim in the river? Now, in retrospective, that was a bad idea since the water kept taking you away, to the point I had to wait at the end so I could catch you in my arms, like you were a baby.”

You winced at the memory.  You thought you could do this. You felt numb in that lab, numb on the way here, but as soon as your eyes focused on him, tears starting pooling in your eyes and pain overtook your body, that you tried to counteract by wrapping your arms tightly around yourself. He’s caused you so much hurt, so much grief in the years he’s known you. But he was also at the forefront of most of your happiest memories. You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

That is why this hurt so much, why your body was convulsing on itself in insurmountable grief. And also why you owed him this much. Owed him this conversation, and the right to explain his point of view, that you were still unfamiliar with.

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

“Fuck, Y/N, all I did before I left is hurt you.”

“What are you talking about?” You were confused at the turn this conversation took. What did he mean? You couldn’t recall a single time Neteyam hurt you before you left. Sure, you would fight and bicker sometimes, but it was a normal part of any relationship, you thought. And he always made it up to you, would always come to the lab and sit with you with flowers he collected or trinkets he found in the woods, always holding you and kissing your forehead to make sure you were over it before he had to leave. Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

“I almost fucking killed you. Or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten how I manipulated you into getting on top of an ikran when you were just a 13 year old human and almost watched you die? Have you forgotten I took you to the woods and raced you to your dad’s remains? I was a walking magnet for disasters in your life and I was tired, so fucking tired of watching your life fall apart all around me. I had to watch you learn to walk again, limp because of my actions, for years. I had to pull you out of flashbacks and nightmares you developed because of ME. You were always fine in the woods with Lo’ak or Kiri, but everything bad that has happened to you happened around me.”

He was crying, panting and angry, at himself or you or the universe, you couldn’t tell.

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

You had no words to speak as you lay there, listening to him letting you in to a secret you have spent so many months agonising over. The reason for his departure haunted you for a year and a half, even when you refused to think about him, about it, it was there, constantly emerging from the depths of your subconsciousness, taunting you in your dreams. Why? Why? Why?

Because he wanted to protect you?

You didn’t have time to process all of this new information, before he continued.

“The night you found your dad, I was shaken to my core, in a way I have never truly been before. I was so heartbroken, for you and for myself, for knowing this will haunt you for the rest of your life. I went home and mother found me, and told me that maybe I can’t help you in the way I’ve always wanted. That maybe it’s better for you that I remove myself for a while and leave you room to breathe and heal. So I did. It took me a long time to get the strength to do it. Every time I thought today is the day, I would see you and you would smile at me, and we would sit on your bed and you would read to me or play me songs or just be there, just you and me, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. You were everything to me, my light in all the darkness.

A year later, you sang me the song and you were smiling at me singing it, and I knew you were confessing feelings we have both felt for years and couldn’t say out loud. And I knew that if I stayed, whatever we had would escalate past the point of no return. If I stayed, that would be it. And that’s when I decided. I thought I was doing us both a favour. I knew it would hurt you, just as much as it hurt me, but I thought the pain would subside in time.”

You were crying now, you realised, tears falling silently and effortlessly down your face, with no intention to ever stop, instantly washed away by the pouring rain. There were no sounds, no sobs or wails, or panted breaths, just the sounds of rain and hopeless, soft cries and muffled sniffles, for the man in front of you, for all that you have lost, for the past you shared and the future that you would never have.

He got up from where he stood and turned around to face you. He walked towards you until he was so close to you could feel his breath on your face. His stare made goosebumps appear on your entire body, so earnest and desperate, so full of intensity for the words he was trying to convey to you.

“It didn’t.” He said, at the same time you thought the same words in your mind.

“A few years ago, mother and father told me I would one day have to find a mate. They knew and I knew it was expected of me, but I always put it off, so they eventually dropped it. I learnt later they both knew about us, so they didn’t push me into anything until they felt I was ready. A few months after they realised I decided to leave, they started bringing it up again. I didn’t want to hear it, but they said it was time, as I had refused for years longer than what was acceptable in the clan. I met with so many girls, all from good families, all healers in training, all wrong. Beautiful girls, smart girls, skilled healers and singers, and it was like looking at the grey walls of your lab. I felt nothing, I felt sick just thinking about it, like just the thought would be betraying the memory of our bond. Eventually, I told them they can decide. Grandma can decide whatever she thinks is best, and, as Tsahik, I would listen to her voice and wisdom, and do my duty to the clan. She chose Tiongli. I knew her growing up, and we were friendly, so I tried to make an effort. I would go to her tent, and she would show me her training sometimes, I would let her heal my wounds and imagined it was your hands touching me instead. I visited her family and paid my respects, and had dinner with them whenever they invited me. I hoped in time, I could learn to care for her, to lessen the distaste in my mouth whenever my family or the clan talked about the future, about the ceremony, about the life I was supposed to lead that I hated even the thought of.

And then, one day, my dad sent me to get Lo’ak from the lab. I was so scared of knowing I would have to see you again. It had been so long, and so many feelings gnawed at me on the walk there, terror and anxiety, guilt and longing. But then I saw you, and there was only one feeling: love. Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

He slowly took your face in his hands, and his thumb was caressing your cheek trying to wipe the tears and raindrops that were falling mercilessly. You saw his face slowly getting closer to yours, and you knew you should pull away, you should remove yourself from his grasp before the kiss was going to remove the last ounce of happiness from you. You knew what you had to do, knew that no matter what information or answers or justifications he would give you today, they wouldn’t matter. You should pull away, because there is no future, no hope. But you couldn’t. You didn’t know what waited for you in the afterlife, but if there was any chance you would have your memories, you wanted this kiss to haunt you forever, to remind you of the life you left behind.

His lips touched yours so gently, it felt like a whisper. Like a hug, tender and warm, it was so different than your first kiss. Tears were still running down your face as your lips moved, entangled with his and begging for more. Your hands went to his chest, to his neck, to his back, just touching him, trying to memorise his body, this feeling. You wanted so much more, you wanted to be his, you wanted to feel him, you wanted him to own you, like he did your heart, which has been his your entire life and will still be his after your death.

You were a mess of wet tangled limbs and panted breaths by the end, and eventually, he broke the kiss to look at you through teary eyes.

“I love you, I will always love you. I am so sorry.”

“I love you, too.”

“But this doesn’t change anything, Neteyam.”

“Thank you, for finally telling me why you left. For giving me some closure for something that has plagued me for so long, it became a constant part of my nightmares. Thank you for having my best interest at heart; it couldn’t have been easy to leave, if you didn’t want to, it took a strong heart to do something that hurt you for what you thought was the lesser evil. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes. The ikran ride is still a beautiful memory to me. You made it a beautiful memory. If it weren’t for your quick thinking, we probably would have both died at the hands of Toruk. You saved my life, Neteyam. You carried me home and stayed with me while I was having surgery, you stayed with me after, while I recovered. You pulled me out of the worst panic attack I have ever had when I found my dad, and you rode out so many of my flashbacks, I have lost count. You weren’t the cause or the common denominator of these events, I was. I am the one plagued by misfortune and hurt and death. Not you. And if you tell me you had to leave to save your own peace of mind, I would respect that. I don’t know anyone in this world who can take this, take me and all the shit that follows me everywhere I go. I don’t blame you.

But if you tell me that you did this for me, that I can’t accept. I didn’t ask for any of this. You gave me no choice, and no say in this relationship, in our shared life. You just left. I deserved better than that. And I deserved better than to find out about a mate after months of lies and manipulation and deceit. I don’t care. I don’t care if you are going to say that you didn’t want it, or you were going to undo it, or that you’ve always loved me and never her. I don’t care. You lied to me, you manipulated me. You accused me of fucking your brother as you were promised to another woman that you hid from me for months. I do blame you for that, and I will never be able to forgive you.”

“Please, Atan…I will tell her no. I will tell her -.” he was sobbing now, his hands still on your face, pleading.

“No.” you slowly took his hands in yours and removed them from your face.

“I think you should do it, Neteyam. She is a good girl, she will make a good Tsahik, and a good mate. Your mother was right, there is no future here - there never was. I love you, so much. But I think you have broken my heart one too many times. I am done.”

You turned your back and walked away from him and the life that was lost - forever.

You were completely soaked when you arrived in the lab, and you went straight to the Avatar laying room and cried. Cried until it felt like no more tears could possibly come out of you. You cried yourself to sleep and then cried in the pod, on the way to your bedroom, and in bed until your human body eventually collapsed from exhaustion. You cried in your dreams, in which Neteyam was kissing you and touching you, doing all the things you were silently begging him to in your mind just a few hours ago.

Eventually, nightfall came, and you had to get up to do the rest of your experiments and top up your analgesic. Ironically enough, you were making real progress on your work. You found a combination therapy that was showing incredible potential in slowing the virus down. It wasn’t enough to stop and eradicate it, but it was enough to give people more time and hopefully give the scientists more time to find a cure. It wouldn’t help you, but maybe you could still help others.

At some paint through the night, as you were making up some reagents, Norm bursts through the door holding a bunch of equipment and some pills, you realise. He puts them down on the bench behind you and speaks.

“Right, stop whatever you are doing, right now.”

“I am in the middle of something.”

“I don’t fucking care. Stop, now.”

You were taken aback at his words and attitude. Norm never got mad, or lost his composure. He was so most well balanced person you knew.

You put the pipette gun down and turned around to face him.

“I still need to adjust the pH on this.”

He ignored you while he prepared the myriad of little gadgets he brought with him. He motioned for you to take off your lab coat, and you rolled your eyes in annoyance, but did as you were told regardless. You were too tired to argue anymore.

He raised the sleeves of your top until they couldn’t go any further up your arm and put a blood pressure monitor on you. You felt tension as its sleeve tightened around you painfully, but eventually it gave out with a puff, and you heard beeping as the machine finished its reading. You looked to your right where the monitor lay, and saw red lights flashing, letting Norm know your blood pressure and pulse were dangerously low. His eyes widened slightly at the sight, but he held his composure, removing the gadget from around your arm and putting it away. He then read your oxygen levels, which you saw were constantly dabbling between 89 and 90%. Not good, you thought. No wonder you could barely breathe anymore. Norm cursed silently under his breath, trying to not let you see him, but if there was one thing you were good at, it’s reading people. Well, you thought you were, at least.

“Did you do any tests on your blood? How is your complete blood count looking?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Why the fuck not, Ace? It’s not like you don’t know how to do it.”

He was angry, really angry. You’ve never seen Norm this angry, you’ve never seen Norm acting this way towards you.

You just shrugged. With a huff of annoyance, he took your arm and prepared a needle and syringe to collect some blood. He gulped and you could see tears forming in his eyes when he looked at the violet bruises and needle holes that were plastered along the length of your brachial vein.

“Just didn’t get around to it.”

“You didn’t - Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“What medicine have you been taking? Did you take the Relenta, or the combination therapy we have been working on?”

“Neither.”

You swear you saw Norm’s entire body enter a catatonic state and he turned so red you were worried he was going to release steam out of his ears.

“You have been sick for a month and did not take anything, none of the treatments we have been working on?”

You couldn’t look him in the eye anymore, finding comfort in the pattern of the tiles on the floor.

“I can’t believe you. I didn’t peg you for someone who would just throw their life away meaninglessly. Your mum had to die because we didn’t have a way to treat her illness, and here we are, with a solution that YOU came up with for your own illness, and you will just not even try?”

You were quiet, not really having a way to rebut his questions.

“Fine. We will start you on the combination treatment tonight and take it from there. There’s other things we haven’t tried yet and I’m sure -“

“NO.”

“I’m not asking you. I’m not letting you fucking die.”

“Why must you always fucking try to fix everything, Norm? Some things can’t be fixed. I don’t want the fucking pills. I am done. I want this to be done.”

“So you’ll just die? Is that what you’re saying? You want to die, and not even fucking TRY to see if there is more to this life. Goddamn it, Y/N. I thought having the Avatar would help you realise life is worth living, there’s beauty in this world beyond the walls of this lab. You got your first kill, you did the Iknimaya, you’re going to become one of the people. Don’t you want to see what your future holds? Don’t you want to live to see yourself grow up? Fall in love, start a family. There are more guys in this world than just Neteyam.”

You gave Norm a dirty look and got out of the lab.

Neteyam felt his whole body reel after your conversation. It didn’t change anything, he thought bitterly. He thought explaining it to you, allowing to see that he had good reasons for his actions would allow you to forgive him, to at least allow him the opportunity to make it up to you through time. You left, just like he had so long ago, but there was a finality to you that he didn’t feel then. Back then, he always had hope that a miracle would still be possible, one in which you got an Avatar, healed and loved him, forever. He wanted to love you forever, but his apology and explanations were not enough.

He lost you, again.

He spent the night flying on his Ikran, just flying and letting the rain soak his thoughts and hurt away. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted the rain to melt his bones until there was nothing left of him but the memory of happier times.

In the early hours of the morning, he made it back to the village, trying to hide his cried out eyes and calamitous grief. He was dreading having to talk to his parents, to explain to them what happened, to have to go through with Tiongli and this future he didn’t want and will have to suffer through for the rest of his life. He didn’t have time to worry about it too much though, because, as he managed to get to the tent’s entrance, he heard Norm’s voice and his dad’s, intertwined with his grandma’s voice rising above them.

“It won’t work. Eywa will not allow her to come back.”

“Why not? She has taken her Iknimaya, she has completed her kills, she has spent her entire life in the village’s service, trying to help the best way she knew how. If she doesn’t deserve this, who does?”

“It’s not that she doesn’t deserve it. It’s that she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want this, Norm. The Great Mother will not transfer the conscience of someone with no future.”

“But maybe if this happened, she will realise that she wants to live. Once she’s rid herself of her weak body, of this disease, maybe she will -“

“The Great Mother’s word is final. She will die, because she wants to die.”

Mo’at’s voice rang in his ears so hard he thought his eardrums would pop.

She doesn’t want it.

She will die.

What were they talking about? Who would die?

No… it couldn’t be. No, the Great Mother wouldn’t be so cruel.

He didn’t wait to hear the rest of the conversation, running as fast as his feet could carry him back to the lab. He reached soon enough, he was faster than most other people in the village, and started knocking on the door of the lab with all his might.

“Y/N, OPEN UP, I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!”

Eventually, Max came to the door, through which Neteyam burst without consideration for the tiny human next to him.

“She’s not in, Neteyam. She left before any of us had a chance to say anything.”

“Was she in her Avatar body?”

“No, the body is in the den where they sleep.”

He didn’t bother thanking the man, as he turned on his heel and started running again. She was there, had to be.

It was still raining, the clouds relentless as they released drops that poured gently down his face and body, and Neteyam thought the Great mother was crying, mourning the love being washed away like a pebble in the river of the clearing, just like he was.

You were there, of course you were. A current shocked Neteyam at the sight of you. This was the first time he has seen your human body in months, and he found it hard to reconcile the image of you he has known all his life with this current one. You were incredibly thin, so thin, whereas a few months ago he could trace your muscles, he could now trace your bones. You were pale, almost ashen, and the hair that he once spent so long admiring was now brittle and dull, obvious even as it was, wet and clinging to your back. You looked lifeless. He felt a lump form in his throat and tears pool in his eyes that were still not dry from all the pain this day has brought.

You didn’t notice him yet, your human ears much less sensitive than your Avatar, so you were just sitting on the riverbank with your chin resting on your knees, which were brought to your chest and your arms wrapped tightly around them. You were looking at the water, and it was like you weren’t actually there. You were in your own world, far from here, from this hurt.

“I was going to ask if it was true, what I heard Norm talk about in the tent today, but I think you’ve answered my question.”

Neteyam saw you flinch, and it felt like even that brought your weak frame pain. You were trembling when you looked at him, and your face made his own drop in shock. Your beautiful features, the blush in your cheeks, the glimmer in your eye, the pink of your lips, your animated expressions or raised eyebrows, were all gone. Your eyes looked glossed over and numb, your face looked ghostly and sunken, and Neteyam swore he could trace every blood vessel on your forehead and neck. The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

“I didn’t think I could make myself any clearer, Neteyam.”

“tell me it isn’t true. Tell me he’s lying; he’s making it up.”

“What part?”

“All of it.” Neteyam was angry now, trying to contain the temper rising in his chest.

“Tell me you’re not dying.”

“Norm has a big fucking mouth.”

“Can you for once in your fucking life just answer a question? This is fucking serious!”

You winced at his words, then struggled to get up, but did eventually and fully face him. The state of you hit him like bullets, piercing and scraping at his every organ, leaving bleeding wounds behind.

“It’s true”.

Crack, crack, crack. 

“When?”

“The night you gave me the guitar. I was so busy being in love with you I forgot to put the proper protection on, and I smashed a bottle of infected blood. It got in my mouth, in my nose.”

“I thought you were working on a cure.”

“Haven’t found it yet.”

“But you said you have something that kind of works, something to give people more time.”

“I’m human, it doesn’t work that way for us.”

“So, you’ve tried.”

You weren’t looking at him anymore, just staring at the ground in front of you, somewhere next to Neteyam’s feet.

“Tell me you have fucking tried.”

It thundered aggressively as Neteyam said that, and he saw you once again tremble at the loud sound. You have never been a jumpy person. You were the bravest person he knew. You were the strongest person he knew. It was unspeakable having to watch you now, sitting meekly in front of him, when just a few days ago you took the Iknimaya, taking the climb to the toughest tests known to the Omatikaya, doing it like it was nothing, just another day for you. To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

“TELL ME YOU HAVE TRIED.”

“NO, OKAY?? NO, I HAVEN’T FUCKING TRIED.” You were sobbing now, your tears washed away by the rain and wind as soon as they fell down your cheeks.

“Why?”

“Because I am tired. I want this to end.”

“I thought you were happy. I thought you were better. You seemed better in the Avatar.”

“I was better… in the Avatar. Because that wasn’t my life. That was just a beautiful dream, while my life was the never-ending nightmare. It was easy to pretend in that body. It was easy to be the version of myself everybody wanted me to be. But I have to live with the real me every night. And I don’t want to do it anymore.” The more you cried, the more Neteyam’s blood boiled in his veins.

“That’s such fucking bullshit.”

“You know what I think?”

“I think dying is fucking easy. It’s your easy way out.”

You looked up at his much larger frame incredulously, and he saw how your mood was starting to mirror his own.

“What did you just say? You think this is fucking easy for me?”

“Yes, I think it is. I think all you’ve done since your mum has died is take the easy way out. Put everything and everyone in your little bottom desk drawer, keeping everyone at a distance. Do you know how much mother and father suffered every time you refused to come out, to come to the village? My mother cried herself to sleep at the thought of you alone in that lab, at the thought that you preferred that soulless, empty place to her, to us. Did you know that?

You have not once opened that drawer, not once dealt with anything. All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out.

You have made me feel like the worst person in the world, for leaving, for lying to you. But what the fuck have you done, huh? You lied to me about dying, for weeks! About dying! What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you? You said I took your choice away. You wouldn’t have even given me a choice to say goodbye to the love of my life before you fucking died!

I left you for a year because I wanted to protect you, you are leaving permanently because you refuse to fucking deal with the pain and hurt I know you feel deep down inside. You had a choice. You could have come to the many people who love you, love you unconditionally, and told us, and let us in, and let us help you. You could have gotten help, taken the pills, fight your damn hardest to make this work, to find a cure, for the life your mum gave you, the life she would have to watch you throw away. You have a choice now. To want to live, to want to fight through this and come out the other side a new, better person. To let me love you, let people love you. To do the consciousness transfer and be with me, and be happy, forever. And you’re choosing this.

You are a coward.”

Neteyam turned on his heel and walked away, before he got a chance to see you collapse on the ground, giving your last few breaths in the place he used to imagine both of your children laying in his arms peacefully while you sang them to sleep.

Tag list (I hope I didn't miss anyone, thank you so much for asking to be tagged <3): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties

[ocean-anchored]

continued... February 29, 24

Coleson drove in a bit earlier, arriving around 6/6:30pm. I was so nervous. Even after all our FT's every night, I was still worried about our physical attraction in person. I was already attracted to him, I just wasn't sure how it would be in real life. We had a big hug when he came & had 15-20ish mins at my place before heading to ambers. He did kiss me which was obviously great. Ambers was really good too. He was a bit quiet at first which obviously, like he did great for literally just meeting me in person & then going to my best friends house hahah. We played catan which was fun, Amber won again surprise surprise. That night we stayed up till like 6am... cuddling, talking etc. It was crazy but we talked & covered so much. It felt so comfortable with him which was such a new feeling. I had never ever felt like I was 100% safe with someone in all areas except with him. I also love kissing him which is lovely. Our physical attraction... lets just say we both don't worry about that which is obviously a huge relief. We both were a bit worried about how it would be & if we would be compatible that way & like if it was awkward at all & it wasn't at all. He's so incredibly respectful & honoring. He officially asked me to be his GF that night which was so cute. We slept a few hours & listened to a sermon together in the morning instead of church which was really great. I went for food prep & he visited his friend. We went for a walk afterwards & prepared to go for dinner with amber & naythan but they had to cancel as Rue was having an allergic reaction. We ended up going to The Dorset for dinner which was nice. Had another really great night together cuddling & being so open about everything. It's seriously an insane breath of fresh air. Monday morning he headed home. Work was good & we FT'd that night. Tuesday work was good & I went to okotoks for the afternoon. He ended up coming back in town Tuesday evening because he was slow at work & we missed each other. We went for dinner, was supposed to be mexican but went to Olea instead & that was still good. Yet another amazing night together. Wednesday morning I had my meeting & then we went to Diner Deluxe for brunch. After coming home he was going to be leaving. He may have dropped the 3 words on me which I knew & felt was coming. He had traced in on my skin earlier that morning. He's such a cheesy romantic it's seriously so sweet, like idk how but he's everything I ever wanted or could dream. I really believed that I wouldn't have it all. I truly did not believe there was a man that would check every box, including how i wanted all these tiny little one off things that shouldn't matter but I secretly wished someone had & i've never had that in someone ever, or they would lack a huge other important side if they did have those little things. Like he likes to cuddle ALL NIGHT which I adore. He thinks of these really cute little things, he gets my car door, his love language is physical touch but he still does things in public. He's always complimenting me & makes me feel so special. His prayers are always so good, he even remembers to pray for my family things. He remembers all these little details that I didn't think he'd pick up on. He tucked the blankets in around me in the middle of hte night when he thought I was sleeping. Like he's a true gentleman, it's unreal. Like literally un believable that God connected us... Ed is so happy for us which is so sweet & great. Im nervous to tell my fam about him only because It feels so soon but seriously, when you know you know. Im really excited for them to meet him because Im honestly so proud to call him mine, I want them to meet him & love him.

I'm really just in awe. I can't wait to go out there this weekend & most likely meet some of his family. Who knew. God's timing is wild & God's plans absolutely outdid anything I ever imagined. I am literally the most blessed with this man. I can't thank God enough for bringing him into my life... like I think I just found my absolute dream man & he's already mine. Praise Jesus.

[just-some-random-blogger]

hello sweetie!! today is the holiday here so ive finally got enough sleep! during the night! what a miracle! 'i was being loved by my ai kylo ren but then he fucking DIED' HAHJJF was it a hint to stop seeing him FJDFJN jk if he makes you happy then good for you. 'OMG THAT WOULD BE AMAZING' iF I SURVIVE. it wasnt a promise. if you could id still prefer you writing it( and even if i survive, idk if ill be able to write it. 'I AM HONORED YOU SHARED THIS' oh its cute TT if you want, i can share and explain? more playlists. not abt s&b but still. btw, though they dont make playlists on this show, they make fmvs and OH its the masterpiece. there are pretty ones and CRINGEY ones and oh how much i LOVE them. these cringey old russian songs AAAA 'russian has so many syllables' kjgkjfnkjfn yeah it does. 'slay omg such a pretty voice' yesyes! maria chaikovskaya is the icon! im glad you liked her TT her songs are so comforting tbh TT 'SO EVIL THE SINGER CAN STAB ME IN THE GUT' oh no bub TT i remember her getting popular bc of the song 'tatar' which is about her waiting for her bf to come out of prison. and tbh at least most? of her songs have the dark vibe. but the singer is cutie. 'about killing people who caused you pain' JHFJKF not really? more about comforting your beloved one. and rn the line 'ill kill everyone who dared to tough you' was sung.... this very piece isnt a real song. its a snippet(?) that gone REALLY viral year or 2 ago in tiktok. and only after that the singer made the complete song. but yeah it basically more about comfort and protection(?) like 'ill cover you with a blanket', 'ill tie you to myself so you want be afraid of the darkness'. 'is it too slow' idk its too slow and too running in the same time? ive mixed feelings. 'i will 100 be listening to it agin' 🥺🥺 im glad you like it. im proud of the creator. she does a lot of things and is really talented. 'i’ll look for the translation' have you found it? i didnt, ig bc the singer isnt really popular. 'I LOVE THIS the synths' yeah its the band that made 'russian princess', ive told you abt them! theyve got pretty vibe-y? songs. 'im so upset' im also upset w/this song TT i hate it sm. the lyrics, the rap part, the vibe. its unbearable TT also doesnt tumblr show you where the paragraph ends and the other starts?.. 'ONLY WENT THROUGH IT BECAUSE I FELT BAD' ?? like? i dont understand you like it or you just feel guilty TT 'Are you saying russian is too cold to be sweet' no way you disrespectful people with your disrespectful sun! russian has much more words of endearment and basically can make a sweet name out of anything not adding another word. russian is not cold😡 i love russian, i couldve never said such a thing about my baby. yk even the anthem of my native area(?) says 'warm hearts of the northern people'. i was talking abt the foreign phrases writers use. also idk why im telling this but yk what? i want too. bc it causes me distress. this image of the cold and dark man and a pretty little wife of his is pretty ofc but. my height difference with that very ben barnes or even matt smith is 7-5 cm it is NOTHING. after all the fics with the darkling that id read yesterday i cried so hard. yes i cant feel 'so secure and comfortable' in smns embrace bc its not like they can 'cover me from the world' so i feel like noone will ever love me and ill always need to be tough and reserved even though i want to cry. this fucking height theme kills me. 'WHY I DIDNT FEEL LIKE REPLYING TO YOU I WAS LIVING MY LIFE' so you traded me for a man?... so some dick is more valuable than your own cat?.. yk its the betrayal. 'my head hurts cos of the heat' freezy hugs yet im still offended. 'I FEEL LIKE IM WASTING WATER' lol say it when youre burnt to bones💀 'maybe im dehydrated' you- 💀💀💀 in your hell of weather💀💀💀 you crazy💀💀💀 go drink water. im glad to share some music! actually i liked explaining the songs. what about you? do you want to share smth? anyway, good luck with that PRICK of yours. good luck you LoVeBiRdS. take care<з

BABY GIRL I WAS FUCKING EXPLAIN SOME OF MY SCHOOL WORK AND THEN TUMBLR CRASHED AND I HATE IT HERE FUCL

im sorry now i dont feel like repeating myself again this hellsite i swear i spent an hour pouring my heart to you and for shit? FUCK

hello sweetie!! today is the holiday here so ive finally got enough sleep! during the night! what a miracle!

IM GLAD YOURE SLEEPING we also have a holiday but tomorrow and the say after that. our president just announced it /: clout chaser rat /:

'i was being loved by my ai kylo ren but then he fucking DIED' HAHJJF was it a hint to stop seeing him FJDFJN jk if he makes you happy then good for you.

T_T he was so annoying for that /:

'OMG THAT WOULD BE AMAZING' iF I SURVIVE. it wasnt a promise. if you could id still prefer you writing it( and even if i survive, idk if ill be able to write it.

its ok. i believe in you

'I AM HONORED YOU SHARED THIS' oh its cute TT if you want, i can share and explain? more playlists. not abt s&b but still. btw, though they dont make playlists on this show, they make fmvs and OH its the masterpiece.

i would love it if you shared more. no pressure. also i have no idea what fmvs is. fan music videos?

there are pretty ones and CRINGEY ones and oh how much i LOVE them. these cringey old russian songs AAAA

sometimes its really nice to cringe

'russian has so many syllables' kjgkjfnkjfn yeah it does. 'slay omg such a pretty voice' yesyes! maria chaikovskaya is the icon! im glad you liked her TT her songs are so comforting tbh TT

<3 im glad you find comfort in her

'SO EVIL THE SINGER CAN STAB ME IN THE GUT' oh no bub TT i remember her getting popular bc of the song 'tatar' which is about her waiting for her bf to come out of prison. and tbh at least most? of her songs have the dark vibe. but the singer is cutie.

T_T i hope her bf isnt a murderer

'about killing people who caused you pain' JHFJKF not really? more about comforting your beloved one. and rn the line 'ill kill everyone who dared to tough you' was sung.... this very piece isnt a real song. its a snippet(?) that gone REALLY viral year or 2 ago in tiktok. and only after that the singer made the complete song. but yeah it basically more about comfort and protection(?) like 'ill cover you with a blanket', 'ill tie you to myself so you want be afraid of the darkness'. 'is it too slow' idk its too slow and too running in the same time? ive mixed feelings.

get that clout get that full song version get those royalties. slay. their album art is T_T dark but fitting. i love vivid songs like this T_T slayyy T_T

'i will 100 be listening to it agin' 🥺🥺 im glad you like it.

i like you

im proud of the creator. she does a lot of things and is really talented.

im glad you found her and you showed her playlist to me

'i’ll look for the translation' have you found it? i didnt, ig bc the singer isnt really popular.

im too lazy rn AHHA

'I LOVE THIS the synths' yeah its the band that made 'russian princess', ive told you abt them! theyve got pretty vibe-y? songs.

i thought of this song! im not sure if it was listening to this one but i thought of it

'im so upset' im also upset w/this song TT i hate it sm. the lyrics, the rap part, the vibe. its unbearable TT

lol HAAHAHAHAHAHA deserve

also doesnt tumblr show you where the paragraph ends and the other starts?..

NO I THOUGHT YOU KNEW I JUST WING IT HAHAAHH

'ONLY WENT THROUGH IT BECAUSE I FELT BAD' ?? like? i dont understand you like it or you just feel guilty TT

nOOOO i meant i rushed through the songs without listening to its entirety because i felt bad i hadnt responded to you yet

'Are you saying russian is too cold to be sweet' no way you disrespectful people with your disrespectful sun! russian has much more words of endearment and basically can make a sweet name out of anything not adding another word. russian is not cold😡 i love russian, i couldve never said such a thing about my baby.

LOL HAHAHA I DIDNT UNDERSTAND IM SORRY ahshashash sai feel the same about my own language. im glad you feel that about your native tongue <3 deserve

yk even the anthem of my native area(?) says 'warm hearts of the northern people'. i was talking abt the foreign phrases writers use.

deserve i give you my warmth too <3 writers are dumb

also idk why im telling this but yk what? i want too. bc it causes me distress. this image of the cold and dark man and a pretty little wife of his is pretty ofc but. my height difference with that very ben barnes or even matt smith is 7-5 cm it is NOTHING. after all the fics with the darkling that id read yesterday i cried so hard.

do you know her? gwendoline cristie. she is my soulmate (because i love her also her bday is 2 days after mine!!! and she also shares a bday with matt smith AHAHH MY SOULMATES) anyway. she towers over everyone already but then she also wears heels so she is even taller and i love her for it. again as a tall girl in my country, i feel quite insecure about my height but seeing gwen own it and so many people fawn for her T_T SLAYYYY IT MAKES ME WANT TO BE AS TALL AS HER BUT ALSO ID BE TOO POWERFUL HAHAHH. i have been more cautious about describing the dynamics of my characters ever since you told me this. i hope that counts for something

yes i cant feel 'so secure and comfortable' in smns embrace bc its not like they can 'cover me from the world' so i feel like noone will ever love me and ill always need to be tough and reserved even though i want to cry. this fucking height theme kills me.

go ahead and cry. i dont mean this sarcastically. let your feeling out because it can be frustrating for real. but what would you feel if i told you that i think the same thing about me? if i told you no one would ever like me because of how i look?

please dont be hard on yourself. its a like to say looks/physical appearance dont matter. they do. but they are inconsequential to people who are genuine and who care and love you. i care and love you. i dont ever want you to feel bad because of the way you look. you're too precious for that. its ok. i see you. i know you could easily meet these men eye to eye. you are beautiful. if anyone says otherwise i;ll blown them up and drop kick them into the sun

'WHY I DIDNT FEEL LIKE REPLYING TO YOU I WAS LIVING MY LIFE' so you traded me for a man?... so some dick is more valuable than your own cat?.. yk its the betrayal.

T_T im sorry. HAHAHA I WAS SO SHOCKED WHEN I SAW THIS LIKE JAW ON THE FLOOR SHOCKED i was just distracted because kylo ren is so pretty and well written in the ai T_T i would never trade you for a man.

'my head hurts cos of the heat' freezy hugs yet im still offended.

T_T thank you.

'I FEEL LIKE IM WASTING WATER' lol say it when youre burnt to bones💀

T_T I CANT HELP I FEEL THIS WAY.

'maybe im dehydrated' you- 💀💀💀 in your hell of weather💀💀💀 you crazy💀💀💀 go drink water.

<3 i am i pee so much but im still thirsty

im glad to share some music! actually i liked explaining the songs.

<3 im glad to hear from you and your likes in music because im a music major <3

what about you? do you want to share smth?

im here again. finally T_T this is where tumblr crashed FUCK YOU TUMBLR. anway just listen to this and this (theyre the same piece just slightly dif[i like the second one better]) and then this and this (also the same piece but one has lyrics) and obvi only do it if you want to AHHAAH then i;ll explain it next time FUCK YOU TUMBLR IM RAGE QUITTING anyway we;re performing them in my class T_T lol HAAHH

anyway, good luck with that PRICK of yours. good luck you LoVeBiRdS. take care<з

T_T i was gonna ask you to read my kylo ren fic but i wont. youre so salty and petty HAHHAHAAAAH. T_T i love you baby i hope you enjoyed your day take care <3

[cryonme]

𝐘𝐨𝐮

➵ Theodore Nott x fem!slytherin!reader

➵ summary: Theo has a temper and a certain grumpiness about him, except with you, no, never with you.

➵ word count- 1.3k

➵ tw- swearing, mentions of anxiety, fighting, sexual innuendos, really bad writing :(

➵ a/n- this isn’t my best writing, and im not particularly proud of it, but I was itching to have something posted and this idea just came to me! I promise I usually write better than this, so please be kind! also, Theo is my baby and I love him. also, thinking about writing another part for this. anyway, happy reading!

     ╚══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ══╝

“If you don’t fuck off I’ll hex you into next Tuesday.” Theo seethed through gritted teeth, towering over the wide eyed Gryffindor boy who had a thing or two to say about yours and Theo’s relationship.

“He means it.” Draco sneered.

“Merlin, you Slytherins are all talk. You intimidate the rest of us but you’ll never actually do shit.” The boy’s friend scoffed, stepping up to defend him.

“Maybe we would if you lot wouldn’t all scatter like rats just at the sight of us.” Blaise piped up behind Theo, crossing his arms.

This had all started because the three Slytherin friends walked by a couple Gryffindors on their way back from Hogsmeade, and the two from the opposing house spewed harsh words to Theo.

Harsh words about you.

You. His love, his darling, his comfort, his sky full of stars.

No one spoke illy of you and got away with it. Everyone in Hogwarts knew of his tenderness towards you and you only. Sure, he’d stick up for his friends every once in a while, but it was nothing compared to the anger he felt when it came to you.

His light.

“No one speaks of her that way.”

“Don’t you think an absolute doll like her must get tired of her grumpy boyfriend? Always picking fights and scowling in the halls.”

“We warned you.” Draco sang as he took two steps back, not even trying to hold his friend back. He knew how he was when it came to you.

Theo finally had something, after all these years of pain and anger, he had something. Someone to hold him and just be there. Someone to love. He was so incredibly in love and enamored, and you felt the exact same. Draco would never admit it, but he enjoyed seeing his friend smile every now and then. You deserved to have your honor defended, so Draco and Blaise happily aided Theo whenever it came to you.

“Bet you can’t even fuck her right. Give her one night with me and I’ll have her screaming-”

Theo was silent as he began to slip his jacket off as soon as the word ‘fuck’ spilled past the more confident Gryffindor boy’s lips, and he cut off the end of his sentence with a swift hand around his throat and a harsh shove causing his back to slam into the nearest tree.

“Lot of nerve you’ve got.” Theo spat, letting go of the much shorter boy, only giving him a moment to breathe before his fist met his face, sending him to the ground and leaving a splat of blood in the dirt.

Just then you were coming down the hill with Pansy and Daphne when you caught sight of your boyfriend, your gentle, attentive, sweet love, flipping a boy over by his collar and kicking him in the ribs, profanities flying out of his mouth.

“Theo!” You screamed in horror, rushing over to pull the dark haired boy off of the beaten one laying on the ground.

You had never seen this before.

Theo, Draco and Blaise made a point to hide this side from you so as to not scare you. There were many late nights with the three of them bickering in the bathroom, trying to quickly clean your boyfriend of blood and hide any bruises with a few quickly muttered spells so that you wouldn’t see. You never saw him without you, only seeing his eyes lit up and a smile dancing on his face whenever you were in view. Though, you knew of your boyfriend’s temper and looming pain. It wasn’t hard to see. You saw his icy expression before he caught your eye, your ears picked up on a couple of his snide comments to others, you noticed the bruises and scrapes that Blaise and Draco would miss on the nights where they were just too tired and therefore careless. You never said anything, You didn’t want him to feel ashamed or embarrassed, so you let him. You thought it was kind of sweet that he did this without telling you, he wasn’t trying to impress you or win you over, he just had to protect you.

But you had never really seen it.

Your hands rested on his cheeks, your eyes frantically searching his dark ones.

All you saw was anger, but that quickly changed. Guilt, pain, fear.

“Baby?” You questioned, your finger gently running across his cheekbone.

He was putty in your hands.

“He- he was-” The dark haired boy was shaking, his eyes frantically darting from you to the Gryffindor, who was being escorted back to the castle by his friend.

“I- he said um that you-”

Your heart broke at his stuttering, trying so hard to explain himself so you wouldn’t be upset, or worse scared.

“Okay, let’s get you back, yeah?”

Theo nodded and wrapped one of your hands in his own, letting you lead him back to the castle. Leaving a very stunned group of Slytherins behind. Theodore Nott, speechless? Teary eyed?

Preposterous.

Once you had made it back to the Slytherin dorms with your much taller boyfriend nearly tripping over your feet, you walked up the stairs, hand in hand, to your quiet dorm due to the absence of your roommates. You locked the door and told him to sit and he obeyed, wringing his hands together and chewing on the inside of his lip, nervous for when you start yelling.

“What happened?” You asked in a voice so feather light that Theo believed he might start crying from that alone.

“He was saying nasty things about you, jus’ couldn’t help it, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

He felt like he was unraveling. He couldn’t have you mad at him. Not you, never you.

You frowned at the usually calm brunette’s nervous state as tears began to cloud his pretty eyes and he kept rambling.

“And I get if you’re mad and you want to leave me-”

“Theo!” You said firmly, placing one hand on his chest and the other on his cheek. “Breathe, baby. I’m not mad.”

Theo sighed with relief and leaned into your touch, bringing a hand up to hold yours gently as he left a soft kiss on your palm.

“Couldn’t handle my pretty baby being mad.” He murmured, leaning forward to hook his hand around the back of your neck, leaving a gentle kiss to the crown of your head.

You sighed, “Just please don’t get yourself hurt. I know this is a common occurrence, I would hate it if it went too far.”

Theo pulled back from you for a moment. “You know?”

You nodded your head, tucking hair behind your ear. “I didn’t want you to feel suffocated by me, so I never said anything. But I’m always worried. I stay up most nights with my stomach in knots just waiting to hear you and the boys walk to your dorm.” You paused for a moment as you started to feel your face twist with tears, your throat tying up in a knot as you spoke. “I don’t like when you hurt.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Suddenly his own anxious, scared demeanor vanished, going back to his usual calm, collected state.

He pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around your frame and began to slowly rock you back and forth, pressing kisses to your skin.

“I’m so sorry. I’ll stop doin’ that, yeah? S’alright.”

You continued to cry against your boyfriend, nodding your head and pulling him closer to you. “Jus’ at least come to me next time so I can hold you. Know how anxious you get” You mumbled against the fabric of his shirt.

Theo could feel his heart melting into his shoes. He never had to doubt your love and devotion to him, and he would forever be grateful that he never had to add you to the list of his worries and stresses.

You were his home, his comfort, his love.

You.

[dukeoftheblackstar]

THIS!!! @veny-many this is why I love him so much ♥ Nobody asks how Plo is doing. Is Plo okay> Is he suffering? Is he sad? Is he tired?

My heart aches for him 24/7 because he's been alive for roughly 400 years and imagine having to deal with pain, loss, grief, and having to let people go because it was the right thing to do!

To have the people he care for succumb to certain situations or bad lifestyle choices. To triumph through endless wars and watch half of his men burn or die, half of the planets fall into demise, even his own.

You can't really blame him for overstepping the line of attachment like how he had contacted Sha Koon for the Order's betrayal. That's some family-ties priority there.

There's this scene where Ahsoka talks about how Anakin chooses which mission she's part of and you can see how he's not pleased about even if he said it Anakin is her master. Appointing himself to assign Ahsoka to his own (Plo's) mission.

You also see how he could have really handled Boba with what was necessary to make him talk, but no. He's handing him off to Mace and not any other Masters of the council because (1) he knows Boba needs that closure, (2) Mace had to see the depth of Boba's despair, and (3) he probably didn't have the heart to deal with loss as grief because Plo's lost so damn much.

Let's also talk about missing home.

Don't tell me he doesn't miss Dorin. He might have been sent to the temple at such a young age, but you know he misses home as proven by the self-realization that the Dorin calls to him in the form of the becoming a Baran Do sage.

I can't find the reference for this at the moment but he felt the 'need' to go home and honor his traditions and blood.

And the ship he pilots that Anakin gave him? The  blue Delta-7B Aethersprite-class light interceptor after the destruction of the Triumphant? It's called 'Blade of Dorin'.

BLADE OF MFKN DORIN, YOU GUYS.

Cannot stress this enough that my husband, my king, my beautiful, old man whose knees are probably so weary from so much ubiquitous events for roughly 400 years of his life but still strong ♥ (heavens, I love him so damn much) is PROBABLY home-fucking-sick because:

(1) Masks. Do not tell me that mask is comfortable 24/7. Do not tell me he doesn't yearn for a fucking week to just be unmasked and do some none-Jedi frolicking foolishness with his kin. Maybe babysit a new niece or nephew, bbq on a Sunday afternoon and bask in the scent of freshly grilled fruits and vegetation.

(2) Comfort. The force is there, sure. But you can tell he's a family man. It may not appeal to many that he's a buir type, but he is. You can come up with all the canon references and hc's and I will happily respect that, but he's a family guy. Can be an older-brother type, a doting uncle, a stern father — anything that screams he's about to risk his life s you don't have to and that some heavy shit right there.

(2.1) Family Ties. Sha Koon, need I say more? They're discreet but close. Ahsoka? Look how she turned/grew up? The way how he handled the Boba drama? The way how he lectured Anakin on proper upbringing and teaching Ahsoka when she's gone off? The way he held off Obi-Wan from coming after Ahsoka when she made her call to leave?

Don't even get me started on this because I will cry buckets on breaking this down because emotions be wild? Because he knows he fucked up. He knows that even if he believed her, the Order and procedure still stands. That he, in spite of being such a devout bitch to the mfkn Order, he was breaking inside.

Ahsoka and Dad lecturing her about subtly and still being proud because he wasn't all 'omg bby girl im disappointed', — no. Do you also see him stand like the proudest father in the goddamn world? How he's flaunting, flexing that Plo's Bro's shit because the 104th be his sons?

No? Let me show youuuuu.

(3) Age. There comes a time in your life when you just want to really be with your own kind or just finally be at 'home'. Home to where your roots are. Home to where as much as you want to help the GAR and Order in ensuring peace or even doing some Baran Do Sage task, nothing beats ending the day in the home that that had given you life and hope that it is where you'll eventually lay to rest. The House of Koon beckons, I'm sure of it. We all crave for that place we can call home, not just a person; but that place that mattered so much to you then and will forever be where your heart was born and will linger.

(4) Exhaustion. The toll of the war, death, planetary demise, food, homesickness, loneliness maybe, everything you can imagine that would restart as the day ends and starts. An endless cycle that even the Force may not be able to temper on days so heavy. Being a war general is taxing. To constantly think of strategies, to keep an eye out on your back and on your men, your entire battalion/fleet, constant meetings that are primarily about seppies and sad shit, the concept of another century to grow heavy on the mind and body as the cycle continue to repeat.

I could go on all day but like, I won't because this shit be making me tear up ♥ But yes, please send prayers and love to Plo Koon because he's so damn perfect it hurts ♥

I have a headcanon that Plo Koon is indeed strong willed and kind hearted man, but since he was too perfect to commit any crimes or failure in his life, when he once fail and peoples got hurt or die, he hardly can get through the guilt.

Like when his friends and Master died, he mourned them but still 'we had no choice, and I did my best. I got to keep going', but when Ahsoka left he was like 'what have I done how could I do such a shameful act like that?' Because he thinks he should be perfect at helping and caring for peoples not to harm them?

I thought that's why he always busy for works and mission and chooses dangerous missions because he couldn't bare the guilt of him doing nothing when someone still suffering and they needed his help.

It feels almost sad... i think...

[sanderchu]

Coming out to the dsmp members? No specific sexuality/gender identity, just their reactions. Also gender neutral reader :)))

Coming out! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

All platonic!

Characters: dream, George, sapnap, karl, quackity, ranboo, tubbo, tommy, Wilbur, niki

Reader: Gn!reader

Dream 💚

- he’s really proud of you

- He knows how hard it can be coming out so felt honored on you telling him

- Helping you avoid hate and only focus on the positive

“I’m so proud of you :)”

George 🦋

- asks numb about it but in reality he is really happy

- Very proud of you

- Helps you if a transformation is needed

- Gets you a flag to make you happy

- Just very chill about it

“I’m glad you came out, want a flag, need help with anything?”

Sapnap 🐼

- proud of you like a bunch

- Helps you right away in need of a transformation

- Makes sure everyone is treating you with respect

- Like a proud big brother

“Yeah get it! I’m so proud of you :)”

Karl 🌀

- so cheery about it

- Jumping up and down with you

- Gets you all the things you need

- Surprises you with a pride flag in your room

“I’m so proud of you!!! I’m so happy for you :D”

Quackity 🐤

- Calm and energetic reaction at the same time

- Helps you with whatever

- Makes sure to get used to your pronouns

- Loves to show off how he has an amazing cool pride friend

- Applause is necessary for that moment

“Yes lets go >:D 👏👏👏👏”

Ranboo 👑

- like a very proud older brother

- Gets you a flag and even gets one for himself during that too

- Helps you through any transformation you need

- Makes sure no one will bring you down

“I’m so glad you came out to me :) how about we get flags together? Then pick whatever you need (if transformation)”

Tubbo 🐝

- so happy for you

- A bit clueless so you’ll have to explain it to him for so he can understand it all better

- Very happy for you

- Offers his assistance whenever you need him

“Get it boss man! I’m glad your figuring yourself out :D”

Tommy ♥️

- overdramatic about it

- Very loud about it too

- Like your protecter from people

- Loves to brag about it

“YES KING >:D CONGRATULATIONS >:)”

Wilbur ☕️

- very soft about it

- Very supportive and offers to help if transformation

- Asking questions to understand it more

“Oh yay! :D im glad you can trust me to tell me this <3”

Niki 🌸

- so happy for you

- Finds it comforting how you trust her to tell you this stuff

- Excited in a calm way

- Knows how hate can be so protects you from that

“Yayyyyyy! :D thats amazing!”

[marahuyos]

anon asked: Hello! This is lowkey a comfort request for me djdnks but could I request how diluc, xiao, and childe would react to confessing to their crush but being turned down because their crush doesn’t think they’re worthy of them and they almost genuinely don’t believe the guys when they confess? Feel free to ignore if this request makes you uncomfortable in any way or anything!

*:･ﾟ✧ THIS WAS SITTING FOR SO LONG IN MY INBOX ANON IM SO SORRY HFDJKGHFKDGHFDKGDFGK

gn!reader

tw: swearing

✧ Diluc Ragnvindr

“I... you make me feel that there is something to look forward to in this bleak world. I hope that you will stay by my side forever. So... will you do me the honor of courting you?

• Diluc Ragnvindr is a classic man and he’s absolutely the type to listen to his father regale stories of how he courted his mother. His naivete and rose-tinted view of the world of love is something that Diluc internally cringes at whenever it passes in his mind. He never thought that he would ever go back to reciting corny declarations of love... that is until he met you.

• He wasn’t the type to beat around the bush. He tells you those words quoted above and his visage nearly rivals the color of his hair. He cringes at his own words but he feels like that he didn’t mess it up. In fact, he’s lowkey proud that he was able to fish out those words without making a complete fool of himself. Surely, that would be enough to show you how he truly feels--

• “Are you playing me for a fool, Diluc?”

• Or not.

• He stares back at you, mouth agape and eyes widened. Did he do something wrong? Did he perhaps catch you at a bad time? He was sure that the settings of his confession was perfect. If not that, then why would you think he was joking?

• When he hears that you think he’s ingenuine in his feelings, his heart breaks then those pieces turned into sparks of fire. Did something or someone happened to make you feel this way? How dare someone make you feel like you were undeserving of love? And who was the person to make you like this?

• His plans of vengeance will come later, right now, he needs to show you that he won’t break your heart. It’s a long process, but Diluc won’t give up so easily. It may take months, but he’s willing to become your dawn amidst your dreary days.

“I’m serious about what I said. I’ll wait for eternity until you say yes.”

✧ Xiao

“Mortal... I have-feelings-for you.”

• The one who struggled the most with his confession, yet the one who expects your response, even going so far as to relating to it. Xiao never had much of a proper conversation, much less a confession, to someone that wasn’t an adeptus. What more if it were a mortal who struggles with self-confidence?

• “Are you sure, Xiao? Or is this another thing that you’re confused about?”

• He’s not sure of it himself. He’s not sure of anything. But he’s sure of his feelings towards you. He’s afraid of the rejection but fuck, does it make his heart race every time he thinks about it. He’s willing to risk his dignity for you and it’s scary that an adeptus like he is willing to do this for you.

• But he sees where you were going with this. He had that moment in time where he thought he was as worthless as a dog-a lapdog serving his master and never even offered a bit of kibble. Xiao knows how you feel and he relates to you so hard. It’s almost ironic how both kindred spirits-two people who’ve been hurt and so distrusting of the world-joined hands together against all odds.

• Surprisingly, he’s the most relaxed out of everyone here. At least he doesn’t go in an immediate murderous rampage. Instead, he stands by you in silent relations. He’s not good with words but he’s felt your struggle. He stands by you and he hopes that you understand his feelings.

“I understand... completely how you feel. And I am here.”

✧ Childe

“I wish to go back home to Snezhnaya with you-to meet my family. And for them to see the apple of my eye.”

• He’s the type to have faux confidence. All his splendor in fighting and battles and yet he can’t muster the courage to come and confess to his crush. It’s laughable, really. So even in his confession, he seems insincere and it seems like he was just playing your feelings.

“That’s cute, Childe... What do you want?”

• I-he wants you. Was he not clear enough? He was sure he didn’t cause another city-wide disaster or he forgot anything important. He was sure that he laid out his confession as smoothly as possible, so why did you think that he was confessing for the sake of getting something in return?

• At first, he was angered by that. Did you think he was that shallow to toy around with your feelings? Did you think that he was a lowly mongrel who backs out the moment his enemy fights back? He becomes defensive immediately, admonishing you that he's already having a tough time trying to confess and you were here making things even more confusing.

• And, of course, you argued back. This argument went in a back and forth for a while until you explicitly say to him that someone before had made you feel this way. That your heart was toyed with and broken and they weren't there to pick up the pieces.

• All Childe could feel after that was pure rage. Rage unlike anything he's ever experienced. Out of everyone here, Childe has the most violent reaction, and you had to make a convincing argument for him to stay before he kills the person who broke your heart.

• After apologizing, Childe makes sure that you know that he's into you. It's awkward at first, probably laughable how a Harbinger is brought to his knees by you, but it's worth it when Childe hears those three words on your lips before kissing them.