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mhadumpsterfire · 2 years

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Special Viewer [P.3]

~~~~Katsuki Bakugou~~~~

In which Camboy! Katsuki Bakugou starts to become oddly interested in one of his viewers.

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Warnings: Smut, Fluff, Cursing, Mentions of drug use and alcohol use. Y/N is afab!

If you are easily offended by sensitive tops I advise you click away

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vvvv

@trishiepo0 @lolawassad @itsroseally @yoshimochii @deleteusthefetus @energyabsorber @love-the-sin-n-the-sinners @e7t3

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It was a long day, hanging out with Aiden. You guys went to the café, played cards at the park, walked around the area, got drinks at a bar and then hit up a nightclub. It all snowballed, you really didn't expect to go to all those extra places but damn was it worth it.

You arrived home, accompanied by Aiden as he made sure you were good to be on your own for the rest of the night since you were wasted off your ass. Jell-O shots really took a toll on you that night.

You opened your phone to see about 5 or 6 missed texts from Dnyamite, you widened your eyes and realized you had your phone shut off all day.

God, you're gorgeous...is that really you? you look adorable. Where are you at?

Hello? bunny?

hey are you good?

bunny?

where are you? im starting to get fucking worried, idiot girl

You freaked out and started instantly texting him back a string of drunk apologies.

im sosr sorry dyanhmite

i been out with aiden i eforgto eto stext u im sorhry

You set your phone down and wiped the anxious sweat from off your forehead, not even 30 seconds passed before your phone flooded with texts from Dynamite.

holy shit, are you drunk?

you're fucking wasted, bunny

who's aiden? is that your boyfriend or some shit?

You didn't have time to process the messages before a black screen displaying the text Incoming Call: dynamite <3 popped up on your phone. You gasped and dropped the phone on your thigh accidently answering the phone call. You gasped once more and slapped your hand over your mouth.

You the heard his sweet, angry voice flow over the other side.

"Hello? Bunny?" He said worringly. Not knowing what to do, and overcome with anxiousness, you slowly carried the phone to your face and switched on speaker before replying.

"Y-yeah?" You said awkwardly.

You heard dynamite pause before mumbling something along the lines of "her voice is so hot..." to himself before continuing the conversation. But again, you're drunk so you don't know if that was your emotionally desperate drunk brain or reality.

"You're wasted. Who's Aiden? Are you with him? Are you alone?" The overflow of questions stressed you out a bit, but you answered each one drunkingly throwing yourself onto your bed.

"He better be just a friend, idiot girl. Did he get you drunk? I swear to fuck if that motherfucker got you drunk...He just wanted to get into your pants, huh? your pretty little pants..." He said, almost as if he was going off and ranting to himself in his own head but...out loud.

"Aidennnnn s'just my bestie. I drank okay? shut up idiot he deosnt even like me he likes the café waitress or whwetevrr..." you say slurring your words and stumbling your sentences.

"God, you're such an idiot. Get your ass to sleep, dumbass. Now." He angrily huffed before hanging up the phone. You, exhausted, threw your phone on your bed and passed out on your bed, still in your outfit, next to your bag.

As you fell asleep, a blush rose to your face and covered your cheeks....even if you were drunk and he was being a friend and looking out for you.....did he really care that much? And was he jealous over Aiden? The thought of him really worrying about you and who you were with made you smile to yourself. Butterflies bloomed throughout your stomach when you remembered his gruffy voice calling you a dumbass. He's so...ugh..y'know? And before you knew it, you were dead asleep.

~~~~

"Ughhh..fuck." You groan to yourself, as you cover your pounding head in a warm towel once more. "Why the fuck did Aiden let me drink? God, everything hurts...feels like I'm being split in two." You say yourself, laying up in bed.

You have a tight grip on an empty bowl next to you...y'know..just in case. Since you already vomited your guts out 3 times this morning since you woke up.

It was around 10 and you hadn't yet checked your phone..because of your massive, deathly headache pulsing through your skull. You remembered a little about what happened before you fell asleep....Dynamite...he was worried about you. As a friend, you needed to just try your best to let him know you were alright, even if it feels like someone punches your eyes out of the sockets each and every time you open your phone.

You grab your phone, unlock it, and check your texts...you see you have a missed call from Dynamite from...9 so he must've woken up to check on you. A call back wouldn't hurt, right? So you did it...you shot him a call back..and he answered, after several...long rings.

"Uh, what's up?" You heard him say from the other line. He seemed...nervous..or..maybe anxious about something but you brushed it off, maybe he was just on-edge about something. You know it was wrong to pry so you ignored it.

"Hey, uh...you called?"

"...Oh yeah! Shit, you're right I did uhm...." At this moment, you heard what sounded like a woman's laugh echo on the other side of the phone. Your heart shattered...who was that? Was that like his new girlfriend or something? Or maybe a hook up? And if it is...why is he so nervous about it?

You then heard the same woman, speak up.

"Ugh, come on...get off the phone, silly~!"

"...yeah, one sec. I was uhm...just calling to see how bad the damage was, y'know?" He continued, almost as if he was rushing to get off the phone with you. Before you responded to him...you thought to yourself.

A woman's laugh and voice in the back,

Him rushing to get off the phone with you and sounding irritated, on-edge and nervous?

Yeah...he most definitely had a girl over. And there most definitely was something going on between them considering her flirty tone and his anxious speech...like he was trying to hide it from you. You tried so hard...so hard to squeeze your eyes shut and forbid even a tear from falling out but...god...that shit...fucking..hurt.

In that moment, you knew your place. How stupid could you be? Come on, Y/N...You met this dude through a fucking pornography cam website, online. You've known him for 2 fucking days. You have no clue who he really is, what his name is, where he lives or anything about him except for his appearance...And you...you really thought that maybe..just maybe he saw you in the way you see him. You had hoped for nothing...there's no way some random porn-cam dude from the world wide web would ever want you for serious. He's probably sleeping around considering he does cam shows for horny virgins like yourself. He couldn't settle down, it's his lifestyle..right?

"I'm fine." You say with stern..."..Seems like you're busy. Bye." You angrily hang up the way, turn on your side....and since nobody is watching...you cry.

You cry, and it hurts and you're stupid and...fuck.

just fuck.

~~~~~

I know this one was shorter and I'm sorry I've been busy working all day, then watching Stranger Things 4 as well so I tried to put all my effort and quality into this like my other writings as fast as I can, I promise for the fourth part, I'll make it long, juicy and scrumptious.

Enjoy <33

#bnha #bakugou katsuki #bakugou #mha #fluff #mha x reader #boku no hero academia #fanfic #bnha x reader #bnha bakugou #my hero academia

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silkylious · 4 years

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Of Cold Soba and Rose-gold Vows (Todoroki Shoto x Fem!Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki Shoto x reader Warnings: ANGST, mature themes, suggestive content, fluff A/N: ughhh its finally here, honestly this took way too long to finish because im a lazy cunt but here it is finally! Hope you enjoy!

Also feel free to request stuff!

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

The footfalls of heeled shoes propagated throughout his office, each echoing step flooding his chest with dread and accelerating the previously calm rhythm of his heartbeat. Three consecutive knocks sounded before her sickly-sweet voice followed suit. “I have more paperwork for you, sir,”

Despite the lump accumulating in his throat, he managed to croak out a response, ushering his secretary into his office. The door clicked open, closing shut after she stepped in. He didn’t dare lift his eyes from the sheets of paper lining his desk, grasping on what little self-control was left in his morale. A hefty stack of paper was slammed right in his field of vision, causing him to snap his head up, ready to berate his assistant on her lack of professionalism. The lecture he was prepared to give her was shoved to the back burner in his mind once he made eye contact with her figure. Shit. A dress shirt way too tight around her bust, the first couple buttons left open and a body-hugging pencil skirt, accentuating her already exaggerated curves. Fuck. He winced at the audible gulp he couldn’t help but take, hoping she didn’t notice his frazzled reaction. His fleeting attention was brought back to her face, mentally cursing himself when he caught sight of her smug visage. She definitely noticed.

She took his silence as compliance, deciding it was finally time after so many failed trials to raise the stakes a bit more. Her self-satisfied attitude only augmented as she made her way around her boss’s workbench, stalking the way his shoulders tensed and the formation of sweat beads on his temples. With the pen now long forgotten, his hands clenched into fists atop his desk, two contradicting thoughts wreaking havoc through his conscious. He felt her feminine stature press into his back, her dainty fingers hugging his broad shoulders, compressing the taut muscle. All hell broke loose in the corners of his mind, his vision blurring at the peripherals. He could almost hear his subconscious screaming at him to push her away, to do something! But right now, he could only focus on the soft touch encasing his shoulders, the short breaths enchanting his ears.

“You seem a little tense, sir,”

Todoroki was well aware of the flirtatious lilt in her words, well aware of how wrong this was, but he couldn’t help but silently indulge in the prohibited intimacy. His resolve was rapidly cracking, her heinous antics doing a number on him. He’d resisted so many times before (her little game of cat and mouse lasting way longer than he should’ve allowed) but something about this moment propelled him to the edge of caving in. Just as he was about to pluck the thinning thread holding his restraint together and finally fall victim to her adulterated wishes, his phone rang, snapping him out of his indecent trance, giving him an exit out of this situation and he damn near bolted out of it. He wasn’t a religious guy, yet he still internally thanked whatever higher being was looking down at him right now.

He took the cue handed to him by the heavens gladly, his scarred hand darting out to clutch his cellular device. Urging his frisky secretary out with the excuse of taking this phone call, he watched as a sour expression overtook her features. She clearly wasn’t pleased about this, making it a point to stomp her way out, slamming the door behind her retreating figure. With her presence far away from his personal space, he let out a breath he’d been holding for way too long, taking a moment to steady his pulse. Mismatched eyes tiredly descending onto the device that had saved him, sliding his finger across the screen to accept the incoming call.

“Pro-hero: Shoto, we need your backup right now,”

The villain he was called in to capture had caused a ruckus in the city’s mall, one thing lead to another and devastating damage had been dealt to the city square. The villain was arrested with the help of the many Pro-heroes on sight, Shoto doing most of the dirty work with little to no harm inflicted to the surrounding area. Not many civilians were injured and there were no fatalities, the rest was smooth sailing from there (aside from a little squabble with a certain explosive hero claiming he had stolen the last blow, which Shoto honestly couldn’t give less of a fuck about). He couldn’t wait to take a shower, clock in and call it a day.

The hero carved his way through his agency, muscle memory dragging him to his office while taking off various support items during the short walk. He paused in his steps when a dire thought crossed his mind. Would she still be here? It wouldn’t be the first time she’d tried to get some alone time with him by staying well past her work hours. And if she was here, what would he do? He wouldn’t know how to respond after what happened earlier that afternoon. Whatever fucked up odds were in his favor for the second time that day as he didn’t hear a single noise in the agency, save for a lone janitor mopping the floor. Relief brought him back down to earth and away from his anxious thoughts. He briskly made his way into a stall, thoroughly enjoying the cold water enveloping his skin.

While under the showerhead, his thoughts ran amuck. That afternoon had been a close call, he despised himself because he knew that had his phone stayed silent, he would have indulged in the disgusting fantasies she’d created. A concoction of guilt and self-deprecation settled deep in his gut, he knew he had to stop these risky incidents, it wasn’t right. But every time he found himself ready to pull the plug and repent, she lured him back in like a sailor to a siren’s song. These sordid happenings had to come to an end, he knew that like the back of his hand, he just didn’t know how to stop luxuriating in the bittersweet taste of this forbidden fruit. He briefly contemplated firing her, frankly her skills weren’t even all that awe inducing, he could easily find a less problematic, more efficient replacement for her. But the wicked part of his being quickly squashed that option, even though he was fully aware that it was the correct option, the right thing to do.

The half and half Pro shut off the faucet, cutting his train of thought short in the process, and stepped out of the stall into the locker room. What was supposed to be a nice quelling of his worries had only spiked his self-hatred up a couple notches. Diligently drying off his candy cane hued strands, he could only hope that his mind would ease up with time.

By the time he’d made it to his surprisingly humble apartment, he’d relaxed enough to not look like he had a stick shoved up his rectum. All his tranquility was defenestrated the second he heard the voice that had been causing him so much inner turmoil the past few weeks.

“Welcome home, Shoto.”

The words that would typically soothe him, now caused him immeasurable pain. The guilt he’d been able to muffle, now ringing louder than any alarm ever could in his brain. Oh, how badly he wanted to tug you by the waist, desperately hold you against his larger frame. Yet Shoto couldn’t bring himself to do that, hell he couldn’t even meet your eyes, too afraid that he’ll taint your being with his grimy hands. The shame welling up was eating him alive, that vile scene playing on repeat before his heterochromatic irises as he tried to match your stare, a singular thought plaguing him. You don’t deserve this; he doesn’t deserve you.

He hadn’t been expecting you to be at home as you usually be snoring peacefully in bed right now. The uneven timing between both your careers had made it near impossible to spend time together, but you’ve coped with it throughout your relationship.

“Sho, you okay?” He was pummeled back to reality when he heard your concerned voice, lord knows he didn’t deserve your sympathy. He managed a small smile and a kiss to your forehead.

“‘M’ fine, just tired. Long day at work.” Was his simple response, leaving out all the details that would surely bar him from sleep that night. You hummed lightly, enjoying the sensation of his puckered lips on your forehead, which had become quite scarce lately.

“I made dinner, your favorite. You want some?” The hopeful glint in your stare amplified the hurt in his chest. How could he do this to you? Shoto didn’t take long to decline, ignominy brutally killing his appetite. He resigned to bed with you in tow, he could practically sense the disappointment radiating off you, but he wouldn’t be able to bear looking at your face a moment longer.

This has been the formulaic dynamic of your relationship recently; he’d leave early, hurl himself at work in hopes of avoiding any interaction with the two causes of conflict in his life then arrive late into the night, either to find you cocooned with all the blankets in bed or on the rare occasion that you were awake, he’d forgo dinner and b-line it for the bed. The distance between you made you perturbed. Sure, you saw the amazing work he does daily on the news (and you were the proudest and loudest of his fans, supporting him from day one unconditionally), but that didn’t mean he had to marginalize your existence for the sake of his hero career. Besides, this only became a problem recently, you tried to brainstorm any shifts or events that could have birthed this unreasonable drift between the two of you, but you came up with nothing, unaware that what had caused the drift wasn’t an event, rather a person.

All sleep eluded him that night, sleepless and cloaked in despair. His mind going back to its chaotic state. He didn’t know why he was enabling his secretary’s inappropriate behavior, maybe due to the lack of intimacy between you two? No, he couldn’t lie to himself, he was painfully aware that he was the one to cause the shortage of affection in your relationship. Todoroki didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just stop her like any good-natured, faithful boyfriend would. No matter how hard he berated himself, he could never find the will to stop wallowing in her passion, the passion of a woman that wasn’t you. God, how pathetic he was. He, at the very least, prided himself in being able to reject her advances up until now, but he knew that was the bare minimum of what he should do, but what he didn’t know was much scarier in contrast. He didn’t know how long he’d be able to turn her down. He watched the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest, which eventually lulled his mind into a turbulent slumber.

Todoroki woke up at the ass crack of dawn the next morning, as per usual, yawning while he went through the motions of his morning routine. Now fully dressed and presentable, he paused beside your side of the bed. His cold knuckles brushed over your face, smoothing some of your follicles away to get a better look at your expression. Even in your sleep, you leaned into his touch, longingly seeking out his comforting, cool caresses with a soft, dopey smile. His heart stuttered violently, both with mirthful adoration and overwhelming penitence. With that, he abruptly halted the loving contact and headed towards his agency.

His day had been going pleasantly for the most part, a fairly easy patrol with some small-fry villains here and there, and barely any run ins with his dreaded secretary. All was looking well, he could finish paperwork and surprise you with an early visit, you’d absolutely love that! At least, that was the plan until she came barging into his office. His eyes expanding as he took in her disheveled figure. Her top buttons all undone, giving him an ample view of her cleavage, she had ditched the thigh-high stockings deciding to go bare-legged, her pencil skirt skin-tight around her curves and he could have sworn it was hitched up a bit. She wasn’t messing around this time. He prayed, begged for a way out like what had happened last time, yet he could somehow tell that wasn’t going to happen. Fate had already dealt its cards, giving him chance after chance, and now he was all out of chances, all out of luck. He gulped in preparation of what would come, for better or worse.

Meanwhile, you were sat at home, with a laptop in your clutches. After typing out a few overly formal and redundant emails, you stretched your arms above your head, hearing a satisfying pop. Unlocking your phone, your eyes scanned the number displayed on the lock screen. 5:32 PM. Shoto had informed you that he would be arriving early, the mere thought bringing a smile to your face. Your attention diverted from the numbers on your device to the background picture, a picture of you and Shoto on the beach, your lips caressing his cheek as he held onto the phone, a serene smile lighting up his expression. You missed those days, you knew you had to have a talk with him about the direction of your relationship, you just didn’t know when. You’d rarely see him throughout the day. And when you did, he was either too exhausted to function or already knocked out in bed. Your faith was firmly planted in him, it really was, yet you couldn’t help but speculate why his absence was more frequent these days. Shaking those thoughts away, you head to the kitchen to start preparing dinner.

Shoto eyed her with a mixture of anticipation and fear, the way her hips swayed purposefully, her petite fingers curling around the lock and clicking it shut. She stalked her way over to his desk, leaning over it and bringing herself face-to-face with the object of her desires. Her pride was wounded way too many times to count, each rejection only increasing her sense of entitlement. She knew that her boss wasn’t single, he had a goddamn picture of you on his desk, yet that didn’t hinder her in the slightest. In fact, she took it as a challenge, at first it was fun to get a reaction out of him but his consistent refusal to her advances was getting tiring. She was treading on thin ice, one small slip up and she’d be engulfed in icy waters, but she confided in the fact that he hadn’t fired her yet (for whatever goddamn reason). Her stern expression met his own stoic one, a façade he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep holding up much longer.

“You left me hanging last time, sir. Let’s continue where we left off, shall we?”

She slid behind him, noiseless as a cat, taking the position she had been in the day before, this time with no interruptions. And there were no objections coming from him, which surprised both of them. She’d been expecting even a little bit of resistance on his part, yet there was none. Her abhorrent hands snaked their way down his built pectorals, relishing in his lack of defiance, whispering to him all the foul fantasies she’d dreamed of, and he didn’t say no.

“See, sir, once you let go, it’ll feel a lot better,”

As her fingers danced across his abdomen marveling at his muscles, she shifted a bit so she can stand beside him, watch all the resilience drain from his face as he gave in to her sick pleasures. God, he wanted to stop her, to shove her away, to do something, anything! But despite his subconscious crying out for him to take action, his body didn’t budge an inch. He felt sick to his stomach, he was enjoying this. He reviled himself over and over again in his head, yet he couldn’t deny her sensuous touches. He was already planning to penance for his sinful consent, never in his life did he think he’d ever be a perpetrator of infidelity, yet here he was letting a woman who wasn’t his lover touch him in ways he’d pledged were for only for your hands to execute.

His muteness was getting her drunk on the control she had over him -over the number three Pro-hero, she couldn’t help but test the waters and push her luck. Her digits scraped a path from his rock-hard abs to his inner thigh, kneading the muscle in her hands, inching closer and closer to the point of no return, the point where he’d officially be classified as an undignified cheater. His head snapped up, the haggard shouts of his subconscious finally proving fruitful in their effort to make him move. His eyes searched her grinning face, shit-eating and riddled with malice, and in a flash his mind compared her power-drunk smirk to your soft smile that he had the pleasure of witnessing that morning. All of a sudden, the frayed old thread holding his restraint together was restored to its original state, resewing and stitching itself back together to form a robust lasso that would hold his heart and spirit tightly, only yielding to your will and wind. She wasn’t you; she’d never be you or even come close. That small revelation prompted him to grip her wrist, which had been itching towards his semi-hard member. With newfound resolve, his voice as stern as he could muster, he made a demand- no, an order.

“Get out.”

“Wha- But-”

“Out. Now.”

His austere words left no room for discussion or complaints, her previously smug smile vanishing, replaced with pure fear at his staunch appearance. The tables were completely flipped, he had finally regained control over his traitorous body. She quickly heaved up, trying to fix her debauched state frantically before she booked it out of the room. With her villainous aura gone, the IcyHot Pro-hero dramatically sighed out, slumping in his office chair as he recounted the events of the past thirty minutes. He loathed himself for letting that continue on longer than it should have.

Before Todoroki can drown in his sea of self-loathing, his cell phone buzzed, indicating a notification. Opening the device, his breath hitched once he saw who had texted him.

Babe ❤️❤️: Sho r u still coming home early tonight? ps love ya Sent 6:13

Given the events that had just transpired in his office, his heart was racing. Mostly out of left-over adrenaline, but a part of him was happy he could still call himself loyal to you by minimum measures. Todoroki’d been so close to tipping over, he promised himself that he wouldn’t repeat his past mistakes. with the ache to see you blooming in him, he shot you a short text confirming that he’d be home in a bit and took a brisk shower to scrub off any lingering sensations from his sleazy assistant, both figuratively and literally.

When Todoroki arrived home only to be greeted by your patient smile, he couldn’t help the exasperated look overtaking his features. He truly didn’t deserve you, but he’d be a fool to let you go. Before you found the chance to even address him, he pulled you into a bone-crushing hug, savoring the aroma of your shampoo. He abruptly let you go to get a hold of your cheeks, gingerly patting them with his thumbs as he reminded himself over and over again that your were his and most importantly, that he was yours and only yours. Mental exhaustion crept up on him, the aftermath of his ongoing misdeeds finally catching up to him. Shoto could barely handle the fact that he had been so close to giving you up for some office skank, rubbing at his temples to ease the oncoming headache. You didn’t comment on his odd demeanor, opting to give him a serving of his favorite dish instead. With his head down, eyes focused on the coffee table in front of him, Shoto didn’t notice you leaving and returning with a tray in hand. His grey-blue hue flickered between the bowl of cold soba and the small glass of sake that were pushed into his line of vision then up to your playful grin. So pure, so loving. Nothing like the one he saw mere minutes prior in his agency.

“Eat up, I won’t be taking no for an answer this time!” Were your endearingly light-hearted words, that cheeky smile never fading. Shoto cemented this moment in his mind forever, ridiculing his past self for the umptieth time that day. How could he even bestow his stare on another creature when you were right by his side? Regret, repentance and unhinged love inundated him. He uttered out three simple words.

“I love you.”

You’d heard those same words come from his mouth dozens of times before, yet somehow this time felt special. You could tell the words carried more weight than they typically did, though you couldn’t pinpoint what kind of baggage they were upholding. Without even realizing it, tears had begun to trickle down your face, all your doubts and worries extinguished in an instant. Oh, how you longed to hear those words in recent days, they shook your entire world to its very core. He loves you; he still loves you.

Honestly, he hadn’t been expecting that reaction from you, but he understood the implications behind it, and it only added to the overbearing guilt weighing on him. Had you been so starved for his affection that those simple words made you cry? Shoto shot up from his seat, he made up his mind.

The cold soba was abandoned that night, he’d grabbed you by the waist and pulled you with him to the bedroom where he indulged in the throes of passion with you, worshipping you and locking every sound, every expression and every word you made forever in his heart which you mercilessly tugged at using the lasso holding it hostage. Despite the less than pure nature of your acts, Shoto considered this his confessional, where you were the priest, ridding him from all his past sins and engulfing him in your warm light.

When you were both tuckered out, he pulled you into his bare chest, petting over your head and silently planned the coming day. Promising that he’d be better for you.

The next morning you were dejected to wake up in an empty bed, but you wouldn’t let that shake you up. Shoto was clearly trying to reignite the spark between you two, and you were going to put in the effort too. While making your morning beverage before heading to work, a neon sticky-note caught your eye. You plucked it from its place on the fridge. In neat handwriting, it read:

Hey love, Sorry for leaving early again, was called in for an emergency I’ll try to clear the rest of my schedule to come home early today Love you

The sweet words served to strengthen your faith in him. He was trying, and you would be sure to show that you appreciated his determination.

After dealing with the emergency, Shoto patrolled around the city, helping out here and there when needed. When he returned to his agency, his steps carried a steadfast feel to them, he knew what he was going to do next, and he was going to make it quick.

“Sir, you called?”

The duel haired hero didn’t even spare a glance at his secretary, finding the monotonous emails on his screen far more interesting. He encouraged her to sit down in the chair parallel to his bureau. She wordlessly took his offer and sat down, her heart beating a mile a minute. They both knew where this is going.

“You’re fired. Pack up your supplies and leave as soon as possible. And please leave your desk at pristine condition.”

She shouldn’t have been surprised really, if anything this was an expected outcome from her unprofessionalism, she didn’t dare voice her disapproval though, even she wasn’t dumb enough to poke the grizzly bear. Just as silently as she had entered, she left without making a fuss. Irrepressible relief calmed the Pro-hero’s senses, he’d done the right thing. And he would continue to walk the right path for you. He was able to clear the rest of his schedule, noting mirthfully that he still had time before he’d head back home. He settled for making a couple detours before coming home to your adoring gaze.

“I’m back.” Shoto called out blissfully, he missed the feeling of having an embrace to call his home. When he didn’t receive an answer he got a wee bit skittish, though his worries were subdued when he noticed your sleeping figure huddled up on the couch, a bowl of half-eaten popcorn on the table and a shitty romcom playing on the TV.

He crouched so he could properly take in your pacific visage. He vowed to himself that from then on out, he’d better himself in every aspect to truly be worthy of being yours. And he was going to forevermore eternalize that vow with the rose-gold band residing in his pocket.

#todoroki x reader #todoroki shoto x reader #todoroki shouto x reader #shouto x reader #shoto x reader #todoroki imagine #todoroki angst #todoroki fluff #shoto todoroki x reader #shouto todoroki x reader #todoroki x you

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dragscore · 3 years

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heeheee hehohoheoheeoho oh boy here’s a drabble of how kotone and beat get together

this slightly takes- no it def takes from a scene in devilman cause their dynamic reminded me of those two charas so like. yea. i made some tweaks but wig

im slightly embarrassed but i am strong. anyway. /coughs

Kotone had been nervously texting her friend this whole time, nicely manicured nails (special for today!) tapping on the phone as she waited on her friend to get back from the restroom.

[so where did he take you?? i gotta know just in case he hurts you 🔪]

[Fluffy n sweet. He bought for us both so he got me my favorite;~;]

[???? hes wooing u. deadass I thought hed take u to justice burger.]

[Ughhh no. I'm just nervous because he left a while ago]

[...he just dumped you??]

[No he said he wanted to get something ready before we could go on a walk around the park]

[.... hes gonna propose]

[Chie. Anyway.]

[I have no idea what he's doing in there!!]

[eh hes prolly just so nervous cause you looked so cute today lol]

[So he hides in the restroom??]

[hes flustered. he is weak to ur charms. 🌟]

[... sure. I hope he didn't get sick. He doesn't really like this place anyway. Maybe he's lactose intolerant…]

[if he is, then he sure doesnt care. what a man.]

She groaned to herself - her anxiety wasn’t going to let up at this point. Beat was probably in there either sick or annoyed he did this. She wasn’t exactly great at conversation today, stuttering her way through most sentences.

Most of the time - Kotone was good at talking to the boy. Holding pretty intelligent conversations (sure, Beat talked like an Osakan teen who listened to too much western music, but who cares? Vocabulary didn’t mean anything) and enjoying her time with him. They had all sorts of differing tastes, but somehow, she found they could share them effortlessly. She always sat him down at her apartment to play Animal Crossing, and he was always eager to show her new spots to skate.

Her knees ached for a moment, thinking of that - Kotone wasn’t going to be trying that again, anytime soon.

But for some reason, she’d been so flustered around him. Unable to breathe or think. He seemed fine with it, but jeez, she sounded braindead. She groaned again, looking at the empty wrapper on the table. She sorta wished she could just eat her feelings right now. Maybe she was anxious having new friends. The idea of someone actually knowing her true self was sorta terrifying, still. It felt like water under the bridge (Was that good word choice? Sure, Kotone. No one’s gonna yell at you for it.), considering no one in Shibuya knew who she was, but it still scared her.

But… no. Beat wasn’t from Niijima. None of them were. It was just a dinky little oceanside town.

No one had any business knowing. Or recognizing her.

She breathed, looking at her phone again. Just a string of heart emojis and affectionate Sanrio stickers from Chie. Her own way of encouraging her. Kotone wasn’t sure why she kept joking about him wooing her. Kotone just thought she had a momentary crush, why did she tell her about it? Ugh. You see one pretty man and your head goes wild with theories. She shouldn’t have let it slip.

And Beat wasn’t so focused on that, anyway. More just helping his little sister along and living life as normal, now that things were better for him and his friends. No, he would have no business asking her out! Why, she’d just turn him down because she totally wasn’t enamored with his stupid little smile, the way his eyes squinted when he did, like a happy little cat. And she most definitely didn’t like his voice, how warm it sounded. His silly speech pattern that, while silly, really was charming. Or how he’d call her ‘shawty’ when he’d greet her and-

“Yo, y’good?”

Ah! Abort all lines of thought!

Kotone almost dropped her phone, hopping it in her hands a few times before she finally caught it properly and shoved it in her purse. She looked up at the blonde, laughing nervously as she fixed her bangs.

He stood there, obviously confused, but smiling nonetheless. The man hopefully didn’t pick up on subtle cues, because Kotone was not being subtle. She swallowed, then stood up and adjusted her bag over her shoulder.

“Was everything all right in there? You were gone for a while. If the ice cream affected you bad-”

“Nah, s’good. Jus’ needed to freshen up a bit.”

F-Freshen up? He looked just the same. Actually, no, his hair was even more unkempt.

She chose to stand up on her tiptoes, reaching to ruffle his hair a bit. Try to get it to its normal fluffiness. It was a little difficult with his headphones, but she was determined to fix it.

“Aye-” He stammered, ducking down instead so she wouldn’t fall on him. “What’s so wrong with my hair? Ya don’t gotta ruffle it like that!”

“Yes I do! It’s all… not you,” she mumbled, as she fixed his bangs. “Were you messing with it a lot in there?”

“Guh-” He stammered again, making a little frustrated face. “N-nah, jus’, uh-” Beat shook his head, somehow it helped finish the job. “Mighta played with it some waitin’ in there.”

“... Waiting on what?”

“... To finish freshenin’ up.”

“I… Sure. Got it.”

“So ya ready to go? I got a pretty good spot to hang out. It’ll be lit.”

Kotone started to laugh, nodding happily and taking hold of his arm, linking hers with it as he started off. She hoped he was okay, though. But boys were weird. He probably was just hiding the fact he had to use it for a while. She wasn’t going to ask too much about it.

“So, this ‘lit’ spot, is it somewhere you broke your leg or something?”

“Nah, nah, I don’t grind on these benches anymore.”

“So I’m assuming it’s because you broke something.”

“Psh,” he shook his head, but Kotone was gonna go with it anyway. He once showed her how his knee can pop… weirdly, after a skating related accident. It still haunts her when she hears him get up - it pops every time.

Their walk was mostly silent, but it was enjoyable. Just listening to the quiet chatter of people passing by as they angled towards a spot with one of the more shady trees. Kotone figured he wanted to show her something like a spot with graffiti, some sorta new change in the area, but once he stopped, he just tugged on her to follow him behind it. Away from prying eyes.

She frowned, as he held onto her hand now, staring at nothing in particular.

“Pretty here, huh,” Beat mumbled, swinging their arms slightly. Kotone tilted her head, smiling.

“We just came here to admire the scenery? I don’t mind it, but this doesn’t seem like you, Beat.”

The blonde hummed, still looking… contemplative. His eyes shifted to her for a moment, before shifting away. He squeezed her hand, still staying quiet. Kotone wasn’t sure why he was so quiet, but she bit her lip, reaching out to brush his bangs out of his face.

She wished she were a lot better at approaching these things. She always had a flurry of feelings for him, but she was too afraid to act on any of them. Always safer to just be friends. Kotone was too much for most people - even Chie she was afraid she’d find her too unsightly when it came to her worse impulses.

And the ugliest thing about that was that it just meant she didn’t trust any of her friends enough. Sure, she did, but she didn’t trust herself. What kind of person was Kotone, if she feared herself so much, she didn’t see herself deserving of anyone’s help or closeness?

Beat deserved honesty. Not the mess she was. She tried so hard to tell herself it was a momentary crush. Nothing new. She still had things to work with and no one needed that misery to deal with.

And yet. She was still attempting to help, maybe pry and see if he was okay. Was that selfish? Was it unbalanced? Unsightly, ugly-

“You’re being sorta weird. Is something the matter?” She shook her thoughts. No need to start panicking again.

“Is there a matter?” He mumbled to himself, then shook his head, cheeks flushing. “I’m sorry-”

“No, it’s okay, you just seem-”

Beat pulled his hand away, turning fully to face her. He looked a lot more… serious than normal, but his face was on fire. He looked a lot more nervous now, scratching the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry, it was just outta the blue,” he stopped again, before clearing his throat, “it feels like I’ve always been watchin’ you.” He stammered over his words, eyes darting away. “You pass by here so often it’s routine, not sure if ya wanna be seen.”

Kotone had no idea what he was doing just now, but she stood there, blinking blankly.

“I see ya out here for hours, sometimes I get the courage to shout- I’m always too quiet, the words won’t come out,” he was much less speaking, more like reciting something he’d written before. Trying to keep his eyes away like he was riddled with performance anxiety. “I still wanna say it, display it, don’t want no regrets - I’m tired of the shakin’, the fakin’, wakin’ up wit’ cold sweats!”

Was he just trying to show he could do that… that style - that music style he liked so much- Kotone couldn’t help but realize she was alone for this. He kept it just quiet enough so no one would hear. No, there was something that would ruin this if anyone heard.

She wondered if he was venting, but the fact it felt like it was for her made her think twice. No, this wasn’t just him dropping his feelings, it… it was a different kind of feeling.

“Even I can do better, this isn’t a dream, I’m not always outdone by the guys on the team! The screamins’ redeemin’, though in my heart, it never gets heard except when the starters have start!”

He paused, face heating up furiously. Kotone couldn’t help it, her own face heating up in response once she started realizing. No, he- This is why he was in that bathroom for so long. He was building up the courage to do this. It was such a brave, embarrassing act, and here he was, trying to get it out in his own way. Beat was showing he was far more brave than she could ever hope to be.

Kotone swallowed, taking a deep breath and smiling, trying to urge him on wordlessly. Beat seemed much less anxious, taking a deep breath.

“I have to change, I know it, don’t blow it, show it- Be who I am, a man with a plan, I’ll be damned if I waste time on those that don’t understand!” He tried hard not to stammer through the words, did his best to keep looking at her. And god, did she feel seen. “No matter what I do, moving forward seems so daunting, it’s haunting, but that’s all I’m wanting! Draw a vision in a dream, I’ll do it, a challenge just for me.”

There were tears beginning to well up in her eyes. The intensity of his stare, his words - this was overwhelming. Kotone couldn’t believe how selfish she was. Why wasn’t she doing more? What was there to do? She swallowed, trying to fight her tears.

“You get it, right? You hear this, right? You can see me as I sing this, right? This whole thing is terrifyin’, but y’gotta know I’m tryin’, I ain’t livin’ just by not dyin’!”

A deafening silence brewed between them as he reached the end of his… his words? Kotone wasn’t sure how to gauge it, but once she realized he was done, the tears started pouring. She wasn’t good with his slang, but she understood enough here - Beat couldn’t get his words out like normal. No, he was trying to tell her I’m not the best man I could be, but I want to be with you even if it won’t be easy.

And she couldn’t fathom the thought of someone going to this effort for her.

She started blubbering like an idiot, ruining the light makeup Chie did for her. Was that it? Was that his feelings? Beat stared at her, blinking in astonishment before he realized she was sobbing. Kotone couldn’t exactly stop it - a whole ass boy just dropped what was basically a poem on her, and she was overwhelmed with the realization how much she did like him!

“Aw shit-” he stammered, reaching for her shoulder. “D-Did I screw up? Sorry, I’ve never done somethin’ like that-”

She shook her head, rubbing her eyes, screwing up the eyeliner. Crap, she needed to clean herself up. But she couldn’t believe how stupid she was! She wanted to blurt it out that he was good, that he was worth her time, but she wasn’t worth his! She just kept crying, feeling more and more like an idiot.

“C’mon Koto,” he said, hands on her shoulders, comfortably squeezing them, “w-what is it? I shoulda jus’ confessed like a normal guy, what the hell is-”

“No! No, please- please don’t think I hate it!” She cried out, shaking her head again. “I-I just- c-can’t believe s-someone, would- d-do that for someone like me!”

“... Someone like you? You’re pretty great, i-if I gotta go small. I had a rough time tryna think of just how to do this, I…”

“Y-You ma-made a whole thing w-with your own words, a-and y-you think y-you’re the one who needs to do better for me when I’m the st-stupid, messy one!” She cried out, rubbing her eyes. “Look at me, I-I’m crying because y-you basically told me you like me and I can’t even handle it.”

“Oh, y’understood my… I-it’s okay,” he said, trying to wipe her eyes now. “You’re not messy,” he mumbled.

“I-I have so much to work on and I think y-you’re so great,” she whimpered, opening her eyes to look at him. “I-I thought- I thought maybe I just thought you were cute, b-but then we started hanging out more and I got to see more of you and… I-I wanna be confident and stuff like you, you always seem to have things together and…”

“Shawty,” he laughed, smiling crookedly, “not sure if ya got that one right. I’m not handlin’ things as well as y’think, I still got a lot to work on.”

“I-I do too,” she whimpered out, sniffling. “I-I like you so much but I’m scared it’ll be too much.”

“I’m fully prepared to tackle whatever bullshit y’got goin’ on, ‘s long as we’re together, y’know.”

Kotone rubbed her eyes, looking at him. God, he had the sweetest little look on his face. That big satisfied smile, his eyebrows upturned as he stared at her. Kotone’s face turned red as she tried to figure out how to go about her next move. She was afraid to act on these feelings, afraid she’d be a huge waste of time, but-

But… She swallowed, practically crashing into his chest as she wrapped her arms around him in a hug.

No- she couldn’t keep doing this. She needed to trust the people in her life with her more often. She held on tightly, practically digging her nails into his hoodie. She needed to trust him with her heart!

“W-We can work on each other t-together!” She said, sniffling. “I-I’m scared, I’m scared you won’t like what I’m really like, but I-I-”

She turned up to stare at him, trying her hardest to see through the tears.

“I want to try too! I-I’m sick of running away and giving up on things!”

Beat started to laugh, wrapping his arms around her, before leaning down to touch her nose with his. She prayed he wouldn’t be so grossed out by all the tears and messy makeup.

“Jeez, I come to ya with a freestyle to confess without screwin’ it up and you’re the one that’s cryin’. Was it good at least?”

“I-I’m no judge, but it made me cry like a baby,” she said, starting to laugh a little.

“Not the intended effect, but hey, we’re bein’ honest. I…” He stammered, face heating up again as he wiped her tears away with the end of his sleeve. “I am… I-I do really love you, though, Kotone.”

She couldn’t help her stupid tears, but she tried to ignore her own stupid response as she gave him a clumsy, chaste kiss.

“I-I love you too! I-I shouldn’t have kept on ignoring it, I should have been braver, I-”

“Shh,” he softly hushed her, working to clean off some of her smeared makeup with his sleeve. “I think it worked out pretty well, let’s just getcha cleaned up and talk about it more, huh?” He smiled, brushing her bangs out of her face.

Kotone nodded, sniffling and smiling at him, feeling like a dork. He started to lead her to a bench, before he said one more thing that made her burst into tears again.

“I’m so fuckin’ excited to call you my girlfriend!”

#super happy art time #kotone #kotobeat #breathes #daisukenojo bito

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captainshazamerica · 3 years

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If this Bruce doesn't adopt Tim I will! But I'm kinda scared for Tim I mean he's either gonna end up with Buce or the titans at some point, im afraid that something terrible is gonna happen his family and then titans/bruce takes him in? That boy loves batman and robin so much like even his family seeing the news knew how much it would upset him although I will say that for the brain that kid has he makes some pretty stupid decisions, hes driving around GOTHAM plastered in the bat-symbol that's not a good idea! the amount of lunatics that roam free in Gotham (and possibly have escaped from arkham) and hate the bat and hes driving around with the bat symbol on him KID be careful!

Some kind of Anti-fear toxin does seem more accurate cuz he's clearly taking something to not be afraid. Maybe it's something he found in Gotham and decided to try it and got addicted so he's using that lab place to try recreate it? and maybe he can't recreate it perfectly cuz in the crowbarring scene he seemed kinda anxious about his surroundings and he'd just taken that inhaler thing to overcome fear so I dunno?? Or maybe he went to arkham to see Crane for some reason and Crane has orchestrated the whole thing and told him about the drug but then wouldn't Crane have to know everyone's identity then? Dude I dunno I need more episodes even tho the low quality glitchyness is painful lol

There's probably an abundance of rooms to choose from at Wayne manor yet Jason takes Dicks old room and keeps the flying graysons posters up! I like to think that he does view dick as an older brother and just took his room to kind of have a connection to him and that he admires him hence the graysons posters being left up, yooo dick calling him his brother! I really want a nice family reunion with dick jason and bruce 💕

Babs was too mean to bruce when she went off like I get where she's coming from but yo lady his son just died dial it down like a notch yikes but also babs being like 'i wonder how long it'll take for bruce to replace jason and dick is all 'what no the last thing bruce is gonna do is rope another kid into this mess'. Cut to scene of Bruces potential robin folder 😅 but I also like that dick was trying to be considerate and compose himself for bruce but once he found out that bruce is idiot enough to pull another kid into this, that that's when he got mad and bruce so brokenly begging dick to come back and be robin 😢😢😢

I know the show is constantly trying to push bruce out/sideline him cuz it's a titans show not a bruce wayne show and I know they're going for a different portrayal of bruce which I'm not complaining about I do like this version of bruce (more than I thought actually) and this universe but I feel like they could have gave more cracks you know, I like that they showed him trying to avoid the reality of jasons death and just not stopping not even for a second and just immediately jump into another case and that breakdown verge where he's begging dick to be robin and then when he finally I guess let's the weight of jasons loss sit on him to the point where he whacks in jokers head with a crowbar just like he killed jason (he could have killed joker so many other ways like a less violent bullet to the head but oh no brucey crowbars him to death!!)

There's a lot of character stuff that i do like but that scene where he's in the cave on his knees scrubbing his sons blood out of the suit he died in, the suit that he only ever wore because of batman. 😢 I feel like they could have had him crack there and let out a gut wrenching scream and then just continue on doing what he was doing as if nothing happened and dick walking in on that should have had more of a reaction!? like he could have stopped in his tracks at the sight of his brothers blood all over his father and bruce screaming, dick could have like took a step back almost like he's gonna run but forces himself to stay there, because who wouldn't want to run from that and no matter how much horrible things you've dealt with before sometimes your brain does just take over against your will and makes you react, the rest of the scene just could have played out the way it did. Literally one ounce more emotion is all I wanted.

No one really emotionally cracked at jasons death. I get that it just happened and that people put walls up and denial can be such a prominent thing when a loved one dies but it couldn't have been that difficult to put in little mannerisms now and again to show that everyone is deeply hurt but holding it in. Honestly gar seemed more hurt to me than dick did. But I do like that dick reacted in detective mode and started trying to figure things out from jasons side so at least there's that.

This redhood is defo not an anti hero he has well and truly landslided into villian territory and I dunno how that's gonna be reconciled? they better not kill him off! and they better not just straight up keep redhood/jason as a full on villian! but if they do get through to jason and bring him back a little how the heck is that little man gonna deal with what he did to Hank?? I feel like they had a bond you know and for all Hanks talk about putting Jason down I really don't think that Hank would actually have killed him even if it came down to Hanks life vs Jasons I think Hank would rather die than kill Jason (but that's heavily biased cuz in my mind jason is my son and I freaking love hank sooo) but Hank to me puts on a hard front like 'yeah I'll get in your face I'll come at you b*tch' but internally he's like 'yeah I'll come at you to help you' 😅 like internally he defo has a lot of soft spots though that's not to say he'd be like this for someone like the joker or scarecrow or whatever guys like that he'd be like no screw you you die or go to arkham like byeee

Nevermind how jason is gonna come back from this though HOW IN THE ACTUAL SH*T is dawn gonna come back from this!!?!!

Random side note here but imagine Jasons first time in the batcave he would be so excited and trying to mess with everything and being like ohh what's that do and pressing random buttons and bruce having a hernia trying to get jason to stop before he accidentally blows the cave up 😅 also he has probably been caught several times trying to 'borrow' the batmobile, I can just picture him trying to sneak down the halls of the manor without the floor creaking and making it all the way into the cave and doing a victory dance cuz he didn't get caught and he hops on into the batmobile in his pj's and let's out a scream cuz alfred is sitting in the freakin passenger seat waiting for him and then they just hang out in the batmobile alfred had the good foresight to bring a flask of tea books and a blanket for jason

Speaking of Alfred I think it would have been more angsty and hurtful if Alfred died shortly after Jason and after a few days Jason claws his way out his grave and the first thing he sees is Alfreds headstone and that's how he finds out Alfred died : (((

This is so long girl I'm sorry I know it doesn't seem like it but I did restrain myself 😅 one more thing before I go maybe this Dick is the absolute worst mf and the reason babs feels betrayed by him and is so upset with him could be that he left her (or cheated on her) with Dawn cuz of that weird flashback thingy in the other season where dick dawn was a thing I dunno I hope not though that would be ughhh

Oh crap, you right about probably something bad will happen to Tim for Bruce or Titans to take him in, I was gonna say he could just demand to be in their lives to save Bruce/Dick like in the comics but he also has kinda shitty parents normally and these people seem cool so really it could go either direction, but like it’s Titans so it doesn’t look good lol. Also, I wonder if it’s gonna be Dick who is basically gonna adopt him this time since we already had a huge track record in just 2 seasons lmao. But I know right, true I like how his parents knew immediately how much the news would effect him 😭 I hope he goes down the making himself robin and forcing himself in Dick and Bruce’s life xD I love that route. Lmao, the kid is all book smart, very little street smart when it doesn’t have to do with outsmarting someone XD

I was also rewatching and that gas he takes def has to be some anti fear toxin cause he mentions fear so many times and flash backed to his near death fall, which he felt was probably holding him and back and thus had to prove himself and adds to whatever is influencing him. But ohhh he did seem pretty dang anxious at the carnival grounds, that’s a really interesting theory but recreating something he found hmm, I can see that.

Apparently according to a YouTube who got to see the first 5 episodes, we find out what his deal is a lot more in episode 5, so one more week hopefully

Brooo trueee, I couldn’t believe jason took dick’s room and like didn’t even change anything. Like Jason looks or at least use to look up to Dick SO much, like in his first episode in the first season, he went on quite a lot about how much he had always wanted to meet him and how much he looked up to him, which is probably also fueling his red hood rage, being hurt by your idol and brother like he did in S2 must have really just killed the boy. But yes omg, there freaking better be a dang family reunion scene like, after so much angst we deserve that 😭

And yesss, I loved seeing how mature Dick is getting and just how much he is growing as a character, the fact he was so calm and considerate with Bruce at first really shows that compared to s1 Dick, only breaking when Bruce tried to get more kids involved. That scene by Brenton was sooo well acted omg, the way he yelled that he doesn’t want to robin again, heartbreaking man. And Bruce begging like that omg

Yeah, this version of Bruce is def so different than any Bruce we have seen on screen before, like def the most emotionally constipated, and that’s saying something xD But I like how they are taking a risk, it also helps Dick’s character more and give him more of an arc, as he seems to be taking on Bruce’s normal role with Jason and red hood. Bro, you are so right omg, like the fact Bruce could have killed the joker in any way and he does it with the dang crowbar. It really shows how broken he really was and why the man shouldn’t depressing any and every damn feeling and emotion lol.

Omg, I love how you have the exact details of what you wanted to happen in that one Bruce and Dick scene 😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 bro if you dont already you should totally write fanfics cause that was so detailed, I love it

Yeah, I do wish someone cracked (other than Bruce lmao) a bit more, but I do think each character reacted in character though, like it is very Dick(at least this version of Dick, other versions may break down tbh) to put everything into solving the case and figuring out what was up, that’s more this version’s way of caring than just breaking down, like he rarely ever has broken down completely. I think dawn could have been a little more emotional about the death (tho she has enough coming for her lmao). Connor didn’t know Jason that well so it makes sense he would just be sad. Gar seemed pretty sad and in character about it, maybe could have had a bit more, same with Kori, tho she showed it by being almost angry and fiercely protective of everyone else, so I think that makes sense for her. It would have been interesting to see how Rachel and Rose would have reacted though (where did rose go btw?! She would so have a reaction to Jason’s death). But yeah, i wish there was more resolution and break downs for Jason, but also it may have just not felt real since they weren’t there? But I agree

You think? Idk, I think they could def still make him an anti hero towards the end, especially if it’s crane behind the whole thing. Cause if they don’t they are gonna have to go down the gosh awful overused villain gets redeemed while he dies/only to die right freaking after , and I will be so freaking livid if they do that omg. Like they better freaking not. But true, he would be broken by what he did to Hank, oh yikes. But I can see him then that leading to the anti hero path, like he would never go back to be on the titans cause he would feel too guilty, thus giving more of a reason for the anti hero life. But I know, I loved Jason and Hank’s love hate relationship 😭😭😭😭 You know Hank secretly loved the kid and probably saw himself in him.

Yikes poor dawn, you right. Like I have no idea how she is gonna be now like wow.

OMG GIRL, You are on a hc angst train today!!!! That scenario of Alfred dying right after jason and Jason climbing out to see Alfred’s?! Heartbreaking!

But I can’t believe they killed Alfred off so casually tho😭

Omg I swear if they freaking show Dick having cheated on Babs I will be so freaking pissed omg, he better have not! Im hoping they had a more high school romance thing/grew up together then got together type of thing

And omg don’t apologize I LOVED IT and reading your asks!!! I feel ya too!

#batanon #titans #titans spoilers #Titans S3 #titans season 3 #Titans speculation #speculation #ask #Meredith gets an ask #Jason Todd #dick Grayson #Meredith thoughts

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anythingandeverything1d · 4 years

Text

Falling (part 2)

Part 1: https://anythingandeverything1d.tumblr.com/post/615981743290400768/falling

You looked at your watch, the concert was in a few hours and you instantly ran upstairs to get ready, fighting back the logic your brain warned you about and following your heart. You tore your closet open looking for the perfect outfit, but for what occasion. For the first time in months you softly smiled and let yourself think about the possibility of Harry. The nights that you missed so much, his soft hair in your fingers, his dimples, the way he kissed you, the way he laughed and told horrible jokes, all of it. “Ughhh” you moaned leaning back against the wall. “What am I getting myself into?”

30 minutes later and you had thrown almost every article of clothing you owned onto your bedroom floor. You had decided on black skinny jeans, a white crop top, and your hair had been thrown into a half bun (one of Harry’s favorite looks on you) “ugh what have I actually become” you mumbled to yourself while putting on some hot pink lip gloss and grabbing your jacket off the door. You grabbed the envelope with the tickets and opened the door revealing your friend. She looked you up and down with a suspicious glance.

“Where are you going?”

“Uhh nowhere...”

“Nowhere?”

“Yep, I better get going..” She grabbed your wrist and stopped you. “You're going nowhere looking like that? Really? You expect me to believe that...” You glanced at the envelope quickly and nodded trying to continue out the door. “Whats this?” She took the envelope from your hand and peered inside. “Oh my god. You are not. Theres no way you are going to Harry’s concert..”

“I need to. Okay. I need to know. I need closure.” You ranted on a quick explanation of seeing him at the gas station and the note on the back of the ticket and sighed. “You don't understand...I need to go. I need to move on.”

“Fine then we are going together. There’s no way Im letting you make a stupid rash decision when he bats those eyes and smiles at you. Nope. If you're doing this, we are doing it together.” And with that you smiled, grabbed her hand and pulled her to the car.

Harry’s POV:

Harry was pacing the dressing room. His mind was moving a million miles a minute but yet everything was focused on one thing. You. He was sweating, so nervous about what the night would bring. He had specifically chosen the pink suit you had picked out for him so long ago. Paired with the black button down he wore on your first date. He picked the outfit specifically for you tonight and he hoped it would work. Of course he hadn’t ever stopped thinking of you, but seeing you at the gas station had sealed the deal. He needed you back in his life. Even as a friend. He knew he had screwed up. It had only been a few months without you but he was crumbling slowly. He was the one who fucked everything up. He hadn’t been present in the relationship for a while. He had dragged you along for the journey. He would leave and not call or text. And then there was Sarah. He never wanted to cheat but after drinking too much it had happened and of course you had been there to see it happen. Sarah was great and Harry had flirted for a while...but there wasn’t a spark. There wasn't anything that was there when you were in his life. He knew the moment you said goodbye that he had ruined the best thing in his life. He got lucky his show was in town tonight and even more lucky that you still lived in the same apartment complex. He left the tickets and passes but had no idea if you would even show up. He just prayed. “Please (y/n)...please come...I need you..” he mumbled with his head down.

“What?” Mitch asked walking in.

“Nothing.” Harry said looking up.

“Well 20 minutes till showtime.”

“Okay. Hey is there anyone backstage looking for me or anyone using a backstage pass left in my name?” Harry asked anxiously.

“No. Not that I know of anyone. Who are you expecting Styles..a girl?” He wiggled his eyebrows and laughed as Clare, Sarah, and Adam walked in.

“Oh what’s going on. What are we teasing Harry about now?” Clare asked.

“A girl.” Mitch answered.

“Shut up guys.” Harry mumbled looking at Sarah. She had agreed friends was better and he was glad because he felt nothing but that. It was still a little awkward though. “Let’s just go. It’ll be great right? We can do this.”

Your POV:

You and your friend has pushed up to the front where the seats were and you were shaking you were so nervous. Of course everyone acknowledged you as you walked in so it took forever to find your seats but luckily the lights were dimming as you sat down. Smoke rolled off the stage and everyone cheered. You stood up slowly feeling a little light headed. You looked up and he was there. His head down. His pink suit. Hair pushed back in a wave and a small smile in the corner of his mouth. It was too much. You pushed back a few rows to where you were no longer visible and sat down collecting yourself. You just listened to the music. He was amazing. His album was amazing...of course you already knew that because you had listened the moment it was released. He really was a super star. You were proud too because he had waited for this moment for years.

Towards the end of the concert Harry had begun searching the crowd with his eyes. Scanning row by row until he found you. His green eyes locked on yours. His mouth slight parted and his breathing was heavy from the last song. He curved his mouth up into a smile, his eyes never leaving yours. “There’s a song I’ve been working on. I decided tonight to play it. I hope you all enjoy, Ive worked hard on it.” He nodded to the band behind him and the music started.

“I’m in my bed. And you're not here. And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands. Forget what I said. Its not what I meant. And I can't take it back. I can't unpack the baggage you left.” His eyes never strayed from yours. You knew what was happening. There were a few songs on the album about you, but this was different. Your eyes clouded with tears and you couldn't breathe. “What am I now, What am I now, What if I’m someone I don't want around. I’m falling again, I’m falling again, I’m falling.” Harry broke eye contact and looked down. Pouring himself into the words of the songs. You sat on the floor and put your head between your legs trying to breathe. Your friend was rubbing your back. Harry got to the end of the song “What if I’m down? What if I’m out? What if I’m someone you won't talk about? Im falling again, Im falling again, I’m falling.” And with that he bowed and ran off stage. The crowd of people slowly began clearing and you were able to breathe a little better.

“Want to go home now?” your friend asked still slightly concerned at how pale your face was. You shook your head and stood up, pulling the backstage pass out. You ran to the guard and showed him before following him back. It was only a minute before you saw the pink suit. It stood out in a crowd very easily.

“Harry Edward Styles!” you shout, tears already forming in your eyes. He turns quickly and looks at you slightly stunned, and you continue forward pointing a finger at him. “What the hell was that?” You asked. He looked unsure of what to say. Finally he looked at you and sighed.

“That was my new song. What else would it be?” He sarcastically replied.

You didn’t know what else to say. You just stared at him, your nostrils flaring and his eyes intently watching your every move. Your friend came forward and grabbed your hand. “Come on (y/n), you don't need this.” She gently pulled you towards the door.

“No.” His hand went out and grabbed your other wrist. “We need to talk.” He looked you in the eyes. “Thats why you're here right? Why else would you come?” His tone was harsh and you had no idea why. You looked at him and then at your friend. Your head was spinning again and you felt like you needed to sit down. You reached for the floor and felt yourself falling . “(y/n)!” Harry’s voice now very concerned shouted. Your eyes fluttered close and you hit the floor.

Harry’s POV:

Harry didn’t know why he was being mean. He felt angry that you came back just to attack the song he had written about her. That he had poured so much energy and emotion into. When you had looked at him, he saw a slight fear in your eyes. You were scared of him and he didn’t want that. He saw you reach for the floor and your eyes close. He knew this, you were fainting. It was something that had happened a few time in the past. Scared him to death very time. This was no exception. He tried to catch your head and cushion the fall. You had hit the floor and he had immediately pulled you onto his lap and rocked you slowly. “(y/n) wake up...youre okay. Just please open your eyes...” He touched his forehead to yours and breathed slowly.

“This is your fault Styles.” your friend remarked kneeling next to him. “You overwhelmed her. You shouldn’t have even given her tickets. You nearly killed her two months ago. You don't even deserve the chance to speak to her.”

“(y/n)...open your eyes. You’re okay.” Harry ignored your friends comments and hummed softly, his eyes closed and his head against yours.

Your POV:

Your eyes slowly opened and you heard a low and soft humming. Your head was pounding and you were acutely aware of arms wrapped tightly around you. You looked up and saw anxious green eyes staring into yours. Harry let out a shaky deep breath and moved his head back. You awkwardly climbed out of his arms and attempted to stand. You wobbled a bit and he immediately grabbed on and steadied you. You looked at your friend who was watching Harry very closely. “(y/n) can we please talk...alone.” he mumbled looking at your friend. You nodded your head, earning a sigh of relief from him. You looked at your friend telling her it was okay and let Harry pull you into his dressing room. He sat you on the couch and stood in front of you, running his fingers through his hair. “I don't even know where to start...”

“How about at the part where you left these tickets on my porch..” you grumbled watching him.

“I needed you here. I couldn’t get you out of my head after the gas station. It’s been so long...theres so much I’ve wanted to tell you but I couldn't because you blocked my calls.”

“Yeah because you cheated on me Harry. After 5 years?! You broke everything we had built together. All for some random girl?” You were annoyed but when you looked at him tears were falling down his cheeks and that made you sad. You didn’t want him to be upset. He had taken the jacket off and thrown it on a chair in the corner.

“I know....I know I ruined everything. It wasn't supposed to happen, it was a dumb mistake and I will forever regret it. The minute I saw you...I knew. I knew I had ruined the best thing in my life. There was never anything between me and her it was always just a drunk mistake. When you said goodbye I nearly lost it. I knew I would never love anyone but you. I haven't even looked a girl since that night. You're the only one I ever needed. I am so so so very sorry.I know I can’t take anything back but I need you. I can’t let you go, not again.” Your eyes were tearing up again and he reached up to wipe them away. His fingers rubbed my jaw and he leaned closer. You were suddenly very aware of him, his smell, everything. You leaned closer breathing faster and his lips cautiously met yours. You gave in. You fell against him and his hand pulled you unbearably close. He kissed you in a way that made you drown in him. He made the kiss deeper, adding more force and biting down on your lip. You moaned, opening your lips more allowing his tongue inside of your mouth. You sat up and ran your fingers through his hair, playing with the curls at the base of his neck while he trailed fingers up your back. If you died right now, you would be content. This moment was everything your body had been aching for the past two months. You grabbed the buttons on his shirt and went to pull it off. He pushed you back onto the cushions of the couch, your legs wrapped tightly around his waist. “Fuck I missed you (y/n).” He breathed into your ear before biting the soft skin on your neck. Yikes that was going to bruise for sure...

“I missed you too Harry” you managed before turning his head and bringing his lips back to yours. He kissed you like his life depended on it. Like there was nothing else he needed but you. You matched his energy. He had your shirt pulled almost over your head when there was a knock at the door and in walked a girl. She looked familiar..the hair... Harry looked up, his cheeks bright red. You sat up, pulling your shirt down and looking from her to Harry.

“Sarah.” Harry managed while trying to catch his breath. “Is everything okay?” He looked anxious.

You looked at her again and it hit you. “Sarah?” You looked at Harry again with pain in your eyes.

“(y/n)....wait. It’s, It’s not what you think..” He grabbed your hand as you stood up.

“She’s in your band?” You were crying again. Sarah was uncomfortable and moving towards the door.

“Im going to go...I’ll catch you later Harry.” she left closing you back in the room with Harry. You turned toward him.

“Really?” You said again looking at him.

“Like I said before, she was a mistake. I was drunk, she was drunk and that's all there is. There is absolutely nothing between us. I swear.” He stood up and walked towards you again. “(y/n), love, theres nothing between me and her. Its strictly work related.”

“Did you kiss her after we broke up? Did the two of you...” You asked staring at him.

He looked down and shifted uncomfortably, giving you your answer. You wanted an answer though. “Harry. Did. You. Have. Sex. With. Her.”

“She kissed me...we...we just.... The next morning. But I swear I broke it off after that. I told her the truth. There was no feeling. There was nothing. You're all I could think of. I promise on my mums life there is nothing between us. There never will be.” Harry grabbed your hand and pulled you into his arms. He held you while you cried, rubbing your back.

“I can't do this right now Harry. I really can’t. I...I need to go.” You pushed him away and walked to the door. Turning one last time you looked at him, his eyes shining with tears and you left.

---------------

What do you guys think?? Part 3?? Let me know! xoxo

#one direction #one direction fanfiction #one direction imagines #Harry Styles #harry styles fanfiction #harrystyles #louis tomlinson #liam payne #Niall Horan #falling

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hollyhomburg · 5 years

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8, 19, 23 for the soft ask thingy!!💖💖 Really love your blog and your fics!! Please don't let the anon hate get to you, don't let them ruin your mood!! Love you❤️

8. twilight - best friend?

me and my childhood best friend havent talked in like almost 2 months because she got a new job and a new boyfriend. so like- my first instinct is to say her because she’s always been my friend but honestly to call her that isn’t super accurate anymore.

so i gotta say @peeachypop because we literally talk every day a freak out about bts on the daily.

19. clouds - describe one of your favorite dreams?

i dont know if it’s like actual dream or day dream? but im gonna tell you my favorite daydream. It’s kinda simple and its kinda stupid, and I legitimately cried when I told my ex this- and he like kinda laughed and thought it was stupid- so its kinda sensitive and personal but i’ll say it anyway because i've definitely written it into my fic’s more than once.

just like, waking up before someone i love, kissing their face and getting to see them all snuggly and warm, and getting up and making coffee for the two of us. and then they come up behind me and back hug me. or maybe i start writing for the day and then they wake up and we start like reading together and being quiet in all the warm morning honey glow. then we make breakfast and put on music and dance like idiots just the two of us. jesus just typing that out makes me emotional.

i dont know if i’ll ever get it (probably not with how bad i am at relationships and in general trusting people) but fuck if i dont dream about that soft kind of love on the daily.

23. mochi - favorite studio ghibli film?

DEFINITELY HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE THAT MOVIE STILL MAKES ME SWOON AND IF I EVER GET MARRIED I WANT TO HAVE MY FIRST DANCE TO THE THEME SONG!!!!!!

love you too! thank you for asking!! i will try to write a little more tonight but my schedule is ughhh im so anxious.

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800-dick-pics · 6 years

Text

ive been wanting to get my mohawk braided for a while but i want really colorful braids and ughhh

1. i dont wanna deal with racist white ppl touching my fucking hair

2. i will physically fight people who call me a hood rat/ghetto/uncultured, or some shit happening at work, cuz if you tryna pop off we can!? 👀

3. my natural mowhawk makes me less dysphoric bc its more visibly gnc and im anxious bc i wont have that if i braid it

i wanna put my hair into a protective style but i have to much anxiety!!!

im just ugh so anxious about being dysphoric and dealing with elevated levels of misogynoir

idk what to do!?!

#dont reboop #me #personal #vent #any black lbtq folks wanna chime in???#i just want braids again

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plainsimplewhite · 6 years

Text

September 7th 2018

well life update I guess. I made it to vet school (the best one in the universe) i know, hold the applause, i’m fucking awesome. and you know what else I’m in love, like real love where I could see myself marrying him & spending forever with him. that being said... im pissed at him right now. i know ill get over it but should i? thats the main question I always have. Should i settle with this thing that makes me really nervous and anxious. I feel like hes not scared to lose me, but then i think back to that day we were leaving SLO and he is. he was so scared to walk away and then I think im fucking psycho. but then i think about all the cute romantic shit that i have always been a sucker for & thats not who he is and theres a very high chance that he never will be. and then i think like damn, he can just go a day without seeing how my day was, or want to share his day with me. in the future is that going to progress. is he going to fall out of love, are we going to just end up going through the motions. im so scared of divorce. so fucking scared. like i don’t want that. i want to love someone forever, and Im not scared that I wont. Im scared that they will fall out of love with me. that theyll give up. i guess sometimes I just feel like thats already happening with austin. that he already is falling out of love, or that i wont be enough for him. or what if hes not enough for me. i need romantic, ,but i need him. if hes not good at that then maybe I can learn to be loved without it. I have two polar oposite relationships to leanr from. my mom and johns who whas so hot and cold from breaking shower doors to love letters & singing love songs on voicemails. i dont want that. and then there was my dad and kami’s. a relationship that was so cold all the time, no fighting, nut no love or compassion.

I’ve found out that when i really love someone (which I think have really only been austin and mateo) i really worry about this. then I think back to mateo and i never worried about him falling out of love with me. he was so romantic, and i knew he loved me. i was scared of me falling out of love with him. i could tell him how i was feeling no mater what because i knew he wouldnt leave. i dont have that same confidence in austin, and you know maybe im only remebering the good. maybe i did and i just dont remeber those instances. ughhh im so confused. i really cant compare these relationships because they are so different.

i have never wanted to be with someone forever, love someone forever as much as i have austin. hes just so confident, and easy going, and hot... yeah, and hes so smart. hes by far the most intellegent man i have dated and i love that. he loves maverick. he loves me, he just has a really shitty way of showing it. is that something that gets better over time? shit maybe we will just have to do molly every three months. kidding. you know he has his moments. like at sycamore springs, or dinner after my white coat ceremony, or hanging out with my family all of graduation, or looking at me like i was stupid when i questioned being invited to him mommas birthday, and my favorite... when we said goodbye leaving slo. it was gut wrenching but that was the first time I felt it. i felt how much he loved me. you know maybe the infrequency of romantics makes them that much more special. the smallest gestures end up moving mountians. i love him & I will continue to love him until he doesn’t love me (and tells me lol bc we all know i cant rely on my assumptions )

okay well i should call him backk....

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erosjeon · 7 years

Text

A rant; most of you will relate in a way

First of all, to all bullies out there just know that you're insignificant and a waste of air. Spread love not hate.

Okay so here we go. To help you get a small idea of my personality, I'm a mixture of Suga and Jungkook and I have severe trust issues when it comes to specific things I will touch upon later. I am a shy person needless to say and very quiet and observant so I'm able to pick up people's personality quite quickly.

To start of, I study a very competitive course at college/university so a lot of the people i meet and work with either are friends with me for mutusl help and benefit or to just simply use me. From my previous experience at school, i had developed trust issues with people regarding how well i do when it comes to exams becaude I was bullied LOADS for getting an A, people would ask me "Why the hell would you say you're stressed? You were just lying" & "You probably eat your book and you tell us your procrastinating" and bla bla and I really was, back then I'd used kpop as a way to stress relief but i managed to understand things although never finishing revision which makes me really stressed for the exam which is normal for any test taker right?

Anyhow! Fast forward to first year college, as a few would know it's really big and you dont usually get to make really personal friendships or relationships, i had focused that year to do really well since I had failed to get into medical school due to a stupid entrance exam, i wont deny that I'm a bright person in science so I managrd to do really well (after seeing my results) that year with however, much difficulty.

This one girl which i was acquaintances with had approached me that summer and kept sticking to me and clearly was using me for something i didnt know well, so when she asked me how did you find the exams? With honesty i said really difficult because i found all the exams difficult and hadnt managed to complete my revision. When i had gotten my results, I was like oh wow thats an amazing average but since I had told her I didnt do AMAZING, my phobias kicked in and i asked my best friend who didnt attend the same university for advice, and she said " if you dont even know her then dont tell her you can trust anyone because the course your in is practically the hunger games for people who want to do medicine " so i was like your right and i dont owe this girl anything, she kept bothering me for my exact % so i couldnt actually tell her the truthful one because like o said...' i didnt do amazing'

Fast forward second year after that, she stole a friend of mine that i made in my first year and i confronted her that she's pissing me off and i dont appreciate her trying to keep people away from me but i left them both anyway to focus on my studied cos they got so much harder, i suffer from anxiety and through summer it had slipped from my mouth to her and so she knee something about me, we made up 4 months afterwards and we helped each other by giving recordings of lectures if the other couldnt come and helping with assignments and let me make this clear (i had helped her when she asked me for help and i helped her when she asked me and I knew the question or something) i had also made another friend who knew sara, i liked her personality but again everyone in this course wants to know how everyone did and i had to keep my grade consistent. Like any normal human i struggled a lot and complained when they complained and etc, i was in a lot of stress but thankfully second year went alright not that good but its okay, the same story goes i had came up tp many exams knowong 3 or 4 topics out of 20 but i was lucky for most of the questions coming up on them, im good at picking out questions. The two girls had become friends also towards that summer.

Now in my third year, as always they've bothered me with my grades and I had no trust for them, because if you tell them you did well they will cast you out and try to make you fail. I didnt talk with any of them outside college and we were no where close, we just worked in groups and etc if it had to come to it. Just today i had sent an email to my tutor for a presentation i wouldnt be able to attend because of my illness, i had screenshotted the email and sent it to them because i wanted to let them know of the situation and that its all good cos the tutor said its fine.

One of the girls had looked up my grades using my id and found my grade, i am not feeling well and they both know but for some reason they cornered me just like i got bullied at school and got accused of using them? I had never used them because when you ask someone for something and they also ask you and you give, its called mutual benefit, so i was like if you were my friends you'd be happy, i didnt mean to lie about it but then i got accused of making up times i struggled and stressed, when they said that I knew saying anything more was useless and I was just getting more ill and anxious from it.

It was so funny to see how they completely switched a 180° on me, if i had used them and never helped i would be able to understand but i didnt trust any of them, the girl who had stolen both my friends and she made me unable to trust any, i just sat down and thought why couldn't anyone mind their own business? We all got similar coursework grades and they'd usually get higher but my exams balanced it.

This year i am struggling more because of family issues and my illness so obviously before this drama i had complained when they did that i had a lot to do, so much to catch up with which is piling up till today since I'm taking rest.

It had upsetted me, i wont deny that because I'm not suffering from a flu or just some fly by sickness, they were aware of it and knew that my anxiety would probably spike but they didnt care. Sadly, i had cared whenever they had a "flu" and stayed home and would be worried sick about them.

Ahh..Since this blog is completely anonymouss it helps to get things out and even with 1k followers which is an impossibly micro fraction of the world's population I want to let as many people as I can to never let someone control how you feel, no matter how much or little they mean to you.

All of my friends had laughed about how little trust they had to search for my grades and my family are as speechless as I am, I'm mad that I got hate for doing well, i write on this blog, keep up with BTS 24.7 and watch kdramas... i procrastinate a lot and its not a lie to fool anybody so ughhh. I dont care about them but it makes me angry and sad that i was wronged and accused of using them... i cant even.

I just need a hug, being a person who had self loath and depression which is evident in many of my works it's becoming hard for me to love myself.

#bts #army #rant #kpop #angst #fiction #anons #what do you think #advice #anxiety #bullying #school

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tayegi · 8 years

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Equilibrium is blowing my mind 😮😮😮 I never expected jungkook to suddenly turn into some possessive psycho jerk 😨😨 I really hope he gets his shit together. What the flying f*ck 😱😱😱 In fact It'd be cool if Jin suddenly showed up with food and The OC leaves that chaotic relationship for food 😂😂😂😂 EVRYONE WOULD PICK FOOD OVER RELATIONSHIPS. right ? Am i the only one lol *cries*

AHHHH THANK YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE FOR THEIR LOVELY ASKS!!! IT’S GOOD TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE CAN HAVE HEALTHY, NON-PROBLEMATIC REACTIONS TO GROSS, CONTROLLING MEN!

Anonymous said:Sorry for being late to the party lol, but I just read the new update of Equilibrium and I felt so fucking anxious and scared for the oc. I don't know how in the hell, some ppl find jungkook's actions hot when he is literally being psychotic and obsessive. Especially the part when he told her 'You'll regret it', he's basically threatening her there. It's obvious the whole relationship they have is toxic af and it only seems to be getting worse as time passes. Apart from that, have a nice day!

Anonymous said:OMG EQUILIBRIUM 11 Omg I still have goosebumps, like Jungkook was being so fucking possessive it scared the shit out of me. Even tho It was a shitty move for the oc to not attend his graduation, she still could had attended but that phone call... I don't want this to turn into some creepy murdering fanfic LOL. Ughhh Jungkook what is even going in your mind? I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! xx :)

Anonymous said:Dude, you did such a great job at writing o/c's anxiety in this chapter. I try not to be bias toward her, but it's really hard since the story us in her pov. I got seriously grossed out by JK, man. I was so uncomfortable with the whole morning ordeal. 😩 And his threat at the end?? I know it's a story, but I had my friend-instincts kick in and I just wanted to shake her and be like "PLEASE LEAVE THIS RN PLEASE" (1)

Anonymous said:(2) And I'm curious about how Jimin would react if he knew how JK was acting. He has this idea that JK is a perfect boy, but if only he knew...But, at the same time, they all have this distorted view of one another, huh? We see Jimin as Mr. Perfect cause that's how o/c sees him. I guess it goes into that whole "unreliable narrator" thing? I'm just writing what thoughts the chapter has provoked. I absolutely love how u pay attention to detail in this story!! Awesome job as usual, mane 😊🙆

Anonymous said:Jungkook needs to take a moment to realize how miserable and uncomfortable the OC is like my goodness. Things have gone waaaaaay downhill. Especially for the OC. Also Jungkook actions are just kind of creepy??? And just like so unhealthy. I know it can be really hard to get out of a relationship, and she still loves Jimin and all, but the OC needs to just get out of there.

Anonymous said:omg jk is becoming such a possessive creep like reading the last part gave me chills tbh. they all need to realize that this relationship is v toxic and dip out of it. i kind of expected this to become what it is from the beginning but you still added twists to it that caught me off guard, thanks for being a great writer lu

Anonymous said:oh man that last chapter. just really fucking scary.... i went back and reread the end of ch.10 to recap and it makes me wonder how far y/n's willing to go for what's "worth it" in exchange for her own personal well being. because fuck, what jungkook is exhibiting is extremely concerning. as always your writing is amazing! thank you for using your free time this way, i'm sorry people are being gross and rude. you don't deserve that kinda shit, lu :(

Anonymous said:I genuinely love how you describe the OC as a trapped bird, and seeing how Jungkook reacted to everything is actually causing me to fear for the OC's well-being. I just want her to exist the whole relationship and just hook up with sunshine, can do no wrong hobi instead of the possessive junglecock and the passive Jimin :/ just my thoughts. But you're an extremely talented writer and your PhD is more important than smutty fanfic, so take all the time you need

Anonymous said:Ok first of all what the hell at ppl asking u for quick updates cuz ive lived with phd students they literally have a never ending to do list and im so amazed at ur ability to find time to write unbelievable. U go girl. And 2ndly, the claustraphobia u mentioned that oc was feeling. That was so detailed and even i felt like i was in her place. And jk..uve characterized his possessiveness so well and i got so mad forgetting this was a fictional character i was ready to throw a chair

Anonymous said:eek jungkook is making the equilibrium relationship so unhealthy somebody punch him

Anonymous said:Jungkook makes me so uncomfortable and I can actually feel the claustrophobia that OC feels .-. Overall, really excited for the next parts and can't wait to reread to see if I can find more theories. Thanks for the new chapter!

Anonymous said:ch 11... HOLY FUCK SHE NEED TO GET OUT JK IS LOONEY!! you really know how to make a story really good dude. super excited for updates!! i'm really curious about jimin's thought process about all of this. you've given a really good insight on kook and oc but jimin is still a little hard for me to figure out, i assume that's coming soon? i feel for oc, i want to protect her and tell her she's stronger and smarter than all of this. she's worth more than all of this craziness!!! GIRL POWER!! lol

Anonymous said:Holy fucking shit everything is so messed up in equilibrium like !! I love it and at the same time i cry because of the way you describe the oc's feelings I SWEAR I CAN FEEL IT TOO HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I can feel everything, my heart is pounding so fast now. Im so into it and i just want her to run away from this toxic relationship and take care of herself first like i know she loves jimin to the core but she is more important my heart clenches at every exquisite word you writE THANK YOU SO MUCH

Anonymous said:The story is really great I love how original your writing is I don't even see the characters as Jm an jk Which allows me to see how disgusting they all let themselves be treated in the relationship, a lot of the times I feel like readers are blinded by the image of an idol it changes their perspective honestly even if it was just one person who was lying about loving the other it would still be just as horrible I'm really curious as to what's even going on and how you are going to continue it❤️

ahmie-cat said:I feel so sad for the oc in equilibrium. Jungkook don't own nobody! How dare he claim ownership on the oc! I will fight him any day! I'll fight for the oc's freedom rights. Lols, just kidding... But really all of the characters are so sad...

Anonymous said:Honestly in the earlier chapters i really liked Jungkook but now hes just scaring me. The way the OC reacts to all his actions is so relatable thats exaclty how I would feel in her situation. This is crazy I dont even know how this fic would end I love it so much

Anonymous said:I was the anon who recommended you watch wfkbj and I'm so glad you like it!! :) ALSO the latest chapter of equilibrium was so good oh my god;; it's just ramping up like tenfold and while I was reading it sometimes I just had to stop and take a breather bc of all the tension lol. Honestly I don't even know how the oc is dealing with jungkook rn bc his behavior would chill me to the very bone I would have to get out !!! Anyways as always thank you for updating

Anonymous said:ah goodness, it was autocorrect that changed jungkook to jongkook! maybe next time i'll just use jinglebook to refer to him instead thens ahahahah. "goodness gracious, jinglebook is hella possessive that i'm actually really scared for y/n :s"

Anonymous said:GIRL THANK YOU FOR UPDATING OMG IM SHAKING IN MY CHANKLAS JUNGKOOK IS SO DELUSIONAL AND I WISHED OC WOULDVE BEEN STRAIGHT UP WITH HIM AND LIKE IDK NOT MILK ON HIS CRAZYNESS IM JUST SO ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT SORRY FOR TYPING IN CAPS

Anonymous said:So, uh. Equilibrium Jungkook is fucking terrifying....

Anonymous said:I hope the oc in equilibrium leaves the relationship. It's so unhealthy and I feel like she might develop some type of mental illness or just be very stressed and anxious if she continues the relationship.... It's just a fanfic, but man, i'd hate to be in her position... I feel like crying Lols. Is this what you intended?? Haha.... It's really good so far I'm looking forward to what happens next. I feel like there'll be a good moral to the story. *Fingers crossing.

Anonymous said:Damn wtf jungkook behavior is freaking me out 😳 "you'll regret it" like wtf crazy people say shit like that

Anonymous said:jkzldlzlldz TF IS HAPPENING I'M SO CONFUSED JK IS CRAZY WTF OMG

Anonymous said:the characters in equilibrium seem to have never been in an actual proper relationship so the fact that they seem to have lasted this long is by sheer miracle. It's also probably why their worst aspects are even more apparent like jk's obsessiveness (which btw yikes boy yikesss) they literally all need to walk far far away from each other cause they a mess but I do wonder who's gonna be the first to do it cause it's all so complicated now, sorry for rambling I just love this fic so much!!

Anonymous said:What the ever loving monkey fuck is wrong with Jungkook. See, i was okay with him being jealous of Jimin because that's normal. I was moderately okay with OC agreeing to Jungkook's terms because she wants to stay with Jimin. I AM NOT OKAY with his sociopathic tendencies and how obsessive he's become. I think he's mistaken OCs genuine kindness for romantic interest at one point. And the thing that scares me the most is how Jimin seems to have no idea what's going on right under his nose as well

Anonymous said:Bruhhhh jungkook is legit fucking scary but the story itself is amazing and complex im gonna reread it right now

Anonymous said:Equilibrium is getting really interesting!! I'm kinda worried tht ppl read sentences like "Even a domesticated pet needs a taste of freedom" in context with her just /looking/ at jimin and think 'oh how romantic' tho. In every scene between her and jk u can practically feel her discomfort and fear and his possessiveness and how he's abusing her. I would normally stop reading a fic like tht bc I don't like it when the ppl are written like that bc they are real after all but I'm super hooked (1/2)

Anonymous said:(2/2)now and I am also really curious as to if and how they all are gonna get out of that situation or if jk kills her before they can just bc she takes care of a literally puking-everywhere-bedridden jimin. I'm also curious how Jimin is gonna act towards y/n now that they're alone and if he even noticed the toxic stuff that's happening between her and jk or if he didn't even notice bc jk kept him "happy" (idk how else to put it) so yeah. Keep up the great work!! Have a nice day xx

Anonymous said:GURL YOU NEED TO RUN FAST AND YOU NEED TO RUN FAR. It sucks that Jimin doesn't like OC romantically, but he's just using you to stay with JK. But JK... that shit is gonna hit the roof soon soon and it ain't gonna be pretty @.@

Anonymous said:Hey Lu, thanks for taking the time to update again~ Regarding the story...Jungkook is incredibly terrifying, like I had to step away a few times as I read because I just want the reader to leave so badly. I wish she would just be like "peace out". Everyone should just leave this situation and say "peace out". Even though I know the feelings are so complicated between all of them, it's just such a shit show on fire :( . Well done on setting everything up though. The tension is insane!

Anonymous said:Ugh I honestly want to slap Jungkook so hard. Possessive little shit.. As always your writing is amazing. Thank you for the update.

Anonymous said:OC, JIMINS DICK ISNT WORTH AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP GTFO THAT SITUATION GIRL IM SCREAMING

Anonymous said:JEONS FUCKED IN THE HEAD. HE WAS CUTE AND ALL AT FIRST BUT THEN IDK GIRL, I FEEL SORRY FOR JIMIN AND OC. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS HAPPENING ALL I KNOW IS I LOVE THIS AND I CERTAINLY LOVE YOU! IS HE PSYCHOTIC THO? FEELS LIKE JEON WOULD KILL ANYONE WHO DARE TO TOUCH OC..

mirajoey said:MY GAWDD!! Jeon Jungkook has gone mad😱 i pray for oc's safety

Anonymous said:i am terrified by jungkook's actions and NOTHING in this whole damn world is going to excuse what he is saying and doing in equilibrium. WHERE IS YOONGI DITCH THEM ALL Y/N AND GO FOR YOONGI. and today, i have been going through some really misogynic shit today and it felt so freaking uncomfortable and i was so angry and kind of frightened...i do not know how y/n is able to act like a normal person with jungkook around who is being very possessive and psycho-like

Anonymous said:When I first saw you updated Equilibrium I almost yelled "IMMA BUST MY LEFT NUT" (I was really excited lol) and now I'm lying here in a puddle of emotion really scared for the OC lol. I adore your writing so much, thank you for writing these xx

Anonymous said:JEON YOU CREEP. Man this is all such a disaster BUT I LOVE TO WATCH THE DRAMA UNFOLD. Anyways it was a great chapter and I am so e x c i t e for the next part to start. You da best 😆

Anonymous said:This is what your writing does to people, this is literally the only time I've ever dislike Jungkook that much in a fic. I wanted the OC and Jungkook together, but now I really thing all 3 should go their separate ways. Jungkook's possessiveness is getting too much, it's too obsessive. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time her own fault as well. As for Jimin who knows he may not be as oblivious as we think ?! He is using the OC to get with Jungkook in the first place.

Anonymous said:Equilibrium OC should just pack her fckin' bags there is no happy way out of this one

Anonymous said:(1/3) Right before I read this I watched this British PSA music video about abusive relationships, where a pregnant woman was choked to death by her boyfriend as she was trying to leave him and I feel like these people who romanticize these types of relationships forgot that this actually happens IRL. This happens to real women and men and some of them don't make it out alive. And when they try to defend it by saying "it's just a story, it's not real" it's very real for some people.

Anonymous said:(2/3) And the fact that the OC is having trouble sleeping and feeling this anxiety. And the that Jungkook didn't fell any sympathy/empathy for Jimin while he was ill, it just doesn't sit well with me. And the OC isn't innocent either. So afraid to shatter what's left of the already crumbling illusion she's built up. The need to keep the fantasy of this relationship with Jimin that I'm not sure existed outside of her mind. I really do enjoy this story and how you portray the characters.

Anonymous said:(3/3) The isolated relationships between the three of them is very realistic. I've seen some of my close friends go through similar situations. And it's hard to get out once you're in.Anonymous said:I cant believe anyone in their right mind is sympathizing with Jungkook in Equilibrium?! The way he is with Y/N makes me so uncomfortable, esp with his “You’re all mine” crap and being so “in love” with her when all he wants is to have her under his control even tho he thinks it’s love. Jimin too, the way he’s down to have Y/N in the relationship since JK wants her but she wants Jimin.. also I’m glad ur fanfics exist since they can give some girls a perspective on what’s NOT okay and NOT love

Anonymous said:' And if I find out you let someone else touch what's mine... you'll regret it' - I kept on reading this over and over but each time it makes me cringe more, the fact that he constantly calls her 'mine' is so fucking off, like as a kookier Stan in rl , I felt really bad for jungkook but now I find it so hard, this relationship is taking a big twist that I did not see coming and it's getting abusive real quick.

Anonymous said:(Cont last) I stood firm in my decision. On the last day that we talked, he finally understood why. It was only then he realized his mistakes, only then did he cry & apologize for everything. He tried to convince me to give him a chance but the time for that has already passed. We are officially over. I loved the guy, you know? and deep down, I know there's good in there. But I can't risk my heart and soul anymore. I'm sorry this has gone out of topic, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Anonymous said:(Cont.) When he got mad at me for one minor thing, he will accuse me of cheating and call me demeaning words. Our relationship was always on his terms. I was always the one apologizing & making an effort to make him happy. I paid for all our dates. Just wow, I'm stupid. After a fight early Feb, I got tired of it all. I broke up with him and that process took 7 fucking days in which he tried to convince that my reasoning was wrong and that he was right. My gut feeling was telling me to leave.

Anonymous said:just finished reading ch 11... yikes. like YIKES. oh my, I'm honestly very worried and scared for the oc. reading it actually made me anxious and nervous lol. that relationship is a nightmare oh sweetie no, she needs to leave asap

Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 3) I felt caged. I always had to inform where I was, who I'm with, are there guys going to be at the event I'm going to. If there were guys, he didn't want me to go. I couldn't even get a regular update from him where he was and couldn't check on his phone. As I said, I was being stupid. I tolerated all of his bullshit. When you're in an abusive relationship, you won't realize it immediately. He'll come off sweet and only wanting to protect you and your relationship.

Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 2) to the red flags he showed early in the relationship. He didn't want to me talk to any guy who wasn't a family and asked me to delete all the guys in my Facebook account. Stupid me did so because I believed him when he said that "It's not because I don't trust you, it's because I don't trust the people around you." I stayed loyal to him but he was always paranoid that I was cheating on him. When we broke up, I learned he was talking to lots of girls that's why he was so paranoid.

Anonymous said:I got curious and read Equilibrium. All I can say is whoa! The anxiety and fear that I felt was so visceral; it made me fill ill. I've recently broken up with my ex, who was like that - subtly emotionally and mentally abusive. I am fairly young, naive, and inexperienced in relationships. I had a low self-esteem. Growing up I felt that I was unattractive and no one would like me. He was the first guy to really pursue me and I guess I was so hungry for love and affection that I turned a blind eye

Anonymous said:oc's anxiety is getting worst in equal... 😞 i hope she gets out soon. i agree, SEND IN MAMA JIN! lol kook is getting crazier each chapter i'm getting scared for her well being 😟☹️😦. SHES WORTH MORE THAN THIS CRAZINESS!! 💔 side note, thank you for sticking to it, i know it's not easy. and thank you for updating. i always look forward to your work ❤

withlove-sydney said:Tbh I was worried that this story was gonna take a disturbing turn after jk revealed that he was purposely trying to keep jimin away in chpt 10 and this chapter just confirmed how toxic he is. I agree with that other person tho I'm glad that you're the one writing this because I trust that you won't try to romanticize this at all. My ex was really possessive like jk and its not cute or sexy at all. I ended up so scared of him and when I see similar things in fics it gives me chills...

btsninetyfiveline said:I just want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the relationship you're portraying in Equilibrium! It's soooooooo important to have stories that show abuse and possessiveness in an unhealthy light! I'm so tired of these "you looked at another guy for 5 seconds in the club so now I'm gonna take you home and show you who you 'belong' to" narratives. It's so important to address and educate young girls on signs of an emotionally manipulative relationship! 💕

Anonymous said:Hi Lu :) how are you? I love how you put out your stories unexpectedly, its always a pleasant surprise. Chapter 11 is so well-written (like all your work ofc).You set up the suffocating atmosphere perfectly with images and metaphors, like Oc's suffer is so real. I am really concerned about oc's mental health... in this chapter we see that she isn't in a good place and I am scared of what is yet to come. Thank you for your hard work. xo

Anonymous said:After reading chap 11, i feel so bad for the oc. Even reading about jk's possessiveness/threats makes me feel suffocated ;-; Though I'm excited for what's going to happen after he leaves for his trip hmm.... once again thank you for the update, Lu! :-) I'm really loving the pace of the story so far.

anonymouspseudonymous said:There's this anon that said "this ain't your ordinary fic where they all compromise and be happy" and i cannot agree more. Although, even if I get it that people hate JK for being cray, you have to punch Jimin as well hahaha idk man this is fucked

Anonymous said:I'm reading ch11 of equilibrium and the part where she wants to touch jimins face but jungkook has a tight grip on her wrist restricting her from doing so is so symbolic of their relationship and how she wants jimin so badly but jungkook is holding her back from him almost keeping her hostage in a way. Anyways I really enjoyed this part it gave me goosebumps so thank you for sharing your work with us even though you don't have to! You owe us nothing so I appreciate everything you give us💓💞💖💕

Anonymous said:I'm glad you don't tolerate the bullshit that jungkook isnt as bad as the protagnonist. People need to hear that that shit is toxic and manipulative. People are brainwashed into thinking it's romantic and okay. When it's absolutely not. No the protagonist isn't free of fault but she isn't being obsessively creepy.

Anonymous said:I think people tend to gloss over the fact that it IS an obsession (unhealthy and actually rather terrifying) and not actual "love" because they like the idea of someone doing anything to stay with them. But even in wanting to stay with someone, there have to be limits. You shouldn't end up losing yourself to someone if they want you as a person, not as just an object or a way to get what they want. There is a line between devotion and obsession, and people seem to ignore that all too often.

#equilibrium #beautiful ppl #jungkookfortunekookies #lu answers

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livingishardasfuck · 6 years

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Back again years later

hey dude

Its October 14th and I am sitting at work. I am feeling sad. And anxious. I am so sick of being anxious

I changed my major. Fuck packaging. So now I’m fucking stuck in these bitch ass classes that I couldn’t give 2 flying fucks about- physics 2, plastics packaging and fucking cardboard packaging. I hate it I hate it I hate it I want to fucking drop out of the semester and just start the classes I actually want to take.

So my major is now environmental studies and sustainability with an add on of sustainable parks and recreation. I am anxious about it because 1 I have no idea what job I want and 2 Brendan’s ex girlfriend is the same major

Brendan is my boyfriend who isn’t actually officially my boyfriend. I think I’m going to ask him soon if we can just establish the relationship because it’s been 4 months and he’s come to bay city and ive met his family twice and we still aren’t “official” although I call him my boyfriend to everyone so it’s kind of annoying that we havent actually talked about it

I am in the process of trying to get aderall I have a brain test next month and im hoping at my next dr app she prescibes it to me

i went home this weekend and jack came and a ton of family and it was pretty fun

I kind of hate the way I work with my emotions and im fucked up about it I cry so much and have so much anxiety and I am so sensitive and I have a serious overthinking problem like it just goes in loops it makes so much sense though like whenever Im heartbroken I cannot stop thinking about it over and over but now that ive recognized that its a thing I can work on reversing the problem

i died my hair platinum blonde and it took 3 trips to the hair salon and 190 dollars to get it to where I want it but actually Ive been saving money so it wasnt that big of a deal and my mom gave me 150 dollars

speaking of my mom she is a fucking blessing nice ass lady she is so fucking supportive i literally talk to her about everything even smoking weed and she gives me her whole life basically also aunt cindy nice ass lady and I love amber and mandy and noah

Well I just went on a rant about everything ive been thinking about lately

still anxious that i have no idea what im doing with my future i fucking hate not having a plan and the fact that I have to wait :((( ughhh

Im sick of being sad sick of being lonely wrote that in a song

but yeah seriously fuck sadness if it never leaves me i am going to go insane

bye

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treading-the-riptide · 6 years

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Therapy timeeee

okay so i feel shitty i made a fool of myself this weekend i completely blacked out at the river everyone thought i was dying and they would have thought i was od'ing if they had known how much drugs i was on but i wasnt actually od'ing honestly i just drugged myself on accident and lost consciousness..... i guess that's od'ing..... guys i'm fine seriously but that's the whole thing it's like my life is perfect. Other than having like a boyfriend or significant other or any kind of meaningful emotional relationship, i have plenty of friends, i have an extremely stable job, i have a really nice home/ home life, 10/10 cat. So i just create these problems because my mind has nothing to stress over so i'm so stressed about my physical appearance. My self confidence has absolutely plummitted. I genuinely feel fucking ugly and fat and there were some nasty ass pics taken of me at the river not only was my self harm scar visible but i looked fat as mother fucking hell i hate these pics why can't i just look good in a GODDAMN PIC. i look good in the ones i take of myself with friends but when my friends post them i always look like pure fat ugly fucking trash idek why people want to hang out with such an uggo. This is why i passed out at the river it's because I'm not really eating anymore. and the thing is my best friend doesnt really even know how bad my self confidence problems are because im too self conscious to admit that im feeling ugly because im at the point where i believe it so whole-heartedly theres no answer she can give me that i would believe. Like if she tells me im beautiful i'll think shes lying and if she agrees with me I'll want to die. Also it's embarassing when you think your ugly and you actually are like how humiliating atleast have the self confidence to own your shit. Like i just ignore being hungry and focus on other things. obviously it's way more difficult than that but i'm not eating 1,000 calories a day at all. I'm really self sabotaging which makes everyone around me nervous. like everyone is freaking out like omg are you okay you passed out at the river and my whole thing is that i never lie about the drugs I'm on but some people just cant know like they are such assholes they will freak out so they can't know and that sucks but olivia knows and she literally was like dude why are you taking whole xanax bars and not eating like you need to get your shit together which is honestly something i need to hear like i'm not a sensitive lil bitch about shit like that i need people to call me out and the whole mood lights is so unhealthy for my mental state like holy hell it drives me straight into a depression hole. but i spent all this goddamn money on it and i love it in theory ughhh its just been a struggle. im so stressed and anxious about literally nothing but im also fucking depressed and miserable about literally nothing also. it's fine tho i'm fine.

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madigabz · 7 years

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8-02 Hey baby, I was doing some reading yesterday & earlier today. Wanted to share some stuff just so you can read about some interesting things. Like chanting. It's pretty intriguing to me but idk if you'll like it. I was going to journal before work but I didn't give myself enough time. I slept in bc I didn't sleep the other night lol. My life is a mess but at least I have fun with it. Well I try to anyway. I wish I could have you here to relax and calm me down before work. I get so anxious sometimes about things. Never realized how much shit gets me going..worked up I guess you could say? Not really but I'm just OCD af and always on tip. I took a quarter of an addy bc I wanna study a lot tn. But it gets my heart racing still lol. I can definitely concentrate and focus more bc I truly do have adhd but I think it fucks w that heart murmur i have. Idk I like taking it & smoking too. I was emotional & soooo horny the last couple of days and I started my period i think? It might just be light but that's good! I hate how periods fuck up your hormones and make you so emotional lol. A little hope to not be negative & thinking I can't have kids. Even tho you said you can't bc you've blown in a lot of girls and nothing's happened -.- you're the only bf I've ever felt protective over. I think it's bc you're promiscuous:p. It'd be nice to have a conversation about life and share a bowl w you. Get fucked before work and be in a better mood ;) ughhh I can't wait! Do you remember sending me a pic back in like November I think? It was on our fb mssgs & it makes me wet just thinking about you bending me over the bed D: I was sad this am just in pain from yoga yesterday and I just want to be fit and healthy. Hate that one workout takes a week to not be in excruciating pain. Makes me stick to my diet more tho. Yoga and meditating with you:) Alan you're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I can't wait to be the mother of your babies one day<3 I reread your last letter again. Makes me have a piece of you in the day. Woke up and read it, it gets me through a lot of days. I feel like I can't be as positive as can be if I don't smoke. You've been sober since before New Years... and I'm just so fucking proud of you, dealing with everything the way you have been. I mean it when I say that it has proven to me that you really have grown up and became a man. I know you aren't the person you were 5 yrs ago, a yr ago or even since January... You are still my rock & strength even though you're locked up. Still my reason for my effort in life. Thank you for making me feel like everything is okay. Even if you don't say it all the time, I know you're a hard headed, strong mother fucking person and I'm in love with you. I think I make you a better person and you do the same for me. You're my motivation babe and I thought about that while I was bummin' out earlier. It's why I read your letter :) but when I had that thought "Fast Car" came on and it was like a sign :b not trying to sound gullible and silly but it was like a "relax your shoulders, breathe, you're going to get what you deserve. Everything is going to be okay." It was like I had you pulling me in and reassuring me I'm not kidding. I remember standing in front of the mirror or cooking in the kitchen and you'd wrap your hands around me from behind. God I love you... I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please don't fuck me over. I gotta get to work:( but it's my ticket to come see you!!! I'll link everything later to this letter... I take pics through out the day and wanna just check in like you're apart of my everyday life. Love you so fucking much!! 4:20 & I think I might play with myself before work(; write later babes:* 8-07 so it's been a couple of days now and I'm sorry I haven't wrote to you. Im doing a bunch of interviews and what not through out the day still. I just got hired at bdubs & it's the closest restaurant to campus so I know I'll make good $!!!! I have a couple interviews this week for nannying & massaging. Things are finally coming together!! We have both weathered the storm and I truly believe we are going to get rewarded for being so positive and understanding our circumstances. I'm at my first day of training at bdubs..I was doing paperwork and I saw that sammi requested to follow me on instagram, I seriously got tears in my eyes. I didn't know if she hated me or not. I told her to call me sometime when she is able to, it has made my whole day! I'm hoping you call tonight but idk what your sanctioned days were. I'm guessing fri-sun but idk..so many meetings and stuff rn I'm trying to stay on top of everything. Irdk how moms do their daily stuff, their husbands stuff, housework, providing/ working, bills, baby, drs, everything! I need to learn how to manage my time better. I wish i could teleport to you & spoon you in your bed tn. Please stay positive about October Alan, it's the only thing I'm holding onto. I hope you like all of the stuff I'm going to share w you. I thought it might make you think a little more hopeful. I've been talking to your mom quite a bit lately, would you want me to ask her to come when I visit the weekend of the 24th? We are about to start touring & what not but I wanted to check in w you. I love you so much Alan<3 -Chanting protects us from negative energies: In the state of meditation the mind is thoughtless. In this state, some negative energy can trouble us. On the other hand, a protective sheath that wards off negative energies is formed around us when we chant.-Nowadays many people practice meditation as a psychological self-improvement technique rather than a tool for spiritual growth. the benefits derived from such meditation are also at a psychological level. Based on the above comparison, for spiritual growth in today’s era, chanting is of greater value. If you already meditate with the intention of achieving spiritual growth, we recommend you complement it with the spiritual practice of chanting.-Om Mani Padme Hum:The two syllables, "padme", meaninglotus, symbolize wisdom. ... Thus the six syllables, "om mani padme hum", mean that in dependence on the practice of a path which is an indivisible union of method and wisdom, you can transform your impure body, speech, and mind into the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of a Buddha"-Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu mantra: "May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.” *(I used to "pray" or ask the universe everyday to for 'the world get happier and safer each day. & whatever happens to me, I'm able to walk away with a smile on my face' I have said the same thing since I was like around 10 yo.) -You should reach the large bead (or tassel) after 108 repetitions. When you do so, it is traditional to turn the beads around and continue in the opposite direction. Now repeat your mantra silently 108 times, moving one bead at a time, as before. Meditate for a few minutes. Do this by sitting quietly and envisioning your chosen form of the divine within your heart or at the point on your forehead between your eyes. If thoughts come, let them come, but realize that you are not your thoughts, and gently dismiss them.!!!!!!!!*(THIS IS THE BEST SENTENCE I HAVE READ) -Increase the number of mantra repetitions and amount of time in meditation as you have the time and inclination to do so, and are able to do with concentration.You may also repeat your mantra silently throughout the day as often as possible!- Mantra recitation, which is called japa (“muttering”) in Sanskrit, has been an important aspect of Yoga practice since Vedic times. It consists of the repetition of the same mantra, which can be composed of a single syllable (e.g., om) or a string of mantric sounds (e.g., om namah shivaya). As Patanjali reminds us, the yogic path is propelled by practice and dispassion, and significantly, the Sanskrit term for practice—abhyasa—means “repetition.” Through repetition we create either positive or negative habit patterns. Mantra japa produces positive mental tracks, helping us to gradually overcome spiritual darkness. It is a powerful technique for focusing the mind and for harnessing the body/mind’s subtle energies in completing the yogic path of self-transformation. As stated in the concluding chapter of the Kularnava Tantra: “Japa is so-called because it removes the sin accumulated in thousands of lives and because it reveals the Supreme Deity.” The greatest “sin,” of course, is ignorance of our own true nature.-I will put the Law of Least Effort into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps: " 1. I will practice Acceptance. Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur. I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. I will not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. My acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were. 2. Having accepted things as they are, I will take Responsibility for my situation and for all those events I see as problems. I know that taking responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for my situation (and this includes myself). I also know that every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows me to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit. 3. Today my awareness will remain established in Defenselessness. I will relinquish the need to defend my point of view, and I will feel no need to persuade others to accept my point of view. I will remain open to all points of view and not be rigidly attached to any one of them."- Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love. When you seek power and control over other people, you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When you seek money for personal gain only, you cut off the flow of energy to yourself, and interfere with the expression of nature's intelligence. But when your actions are motivated by love, there is no waste of energy. When your actions are motivated by love, your energy multiplies and accumulates , and the surplus energy you gather and enjoy can be channeled to create anything that you want, including unlimited wealth.-This leads us to the second component of the Law of Least Effort: responsibility. What does responsibility mean? Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. Having accepted this circumstance, this event, this problem, responsibility then means the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems contain the seeds of opportunity, and this awareness allows you to take the moment and transform it to a better situation or thing. Once you do this, every so-called upsetting situation will become an opportunity for the creation of something new and beautiful, and every so-called tormentor or tyrant will become your teacher. Reality is an interpretation. And if you choose to interpret reality in this way, you will have many teachers around you, and many opportunities to evolve. Whenever confronted by a tyrant, tormentor, teacher, friend, or foe (they all mean the same thing) remind yourself, "This moment is as it should be." Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.-There are three components to the Law of Least Effort: three things you can do to put this principle of "do less and accomplish more" into action. Acceptance simply means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. This moment -- the one you're experiencing right now -- is the culmination of all the moments you have experienced in the past. This moment is as it is because the entire universe is as it is.- If the karma is complete, this will be part of what you release. If it is not, patterns can be reset this month to reflect a higher vibration so that unfinished business and karma can be completed or continued in a way that comes from a place of more love, compassion and forgiveness. This includes self-karma, those deep hard lessons we all came in with this lifetime whether they are physical conditions, emotional or intellectual challenges, or just simply difficult personality traits. Whatever has been anchored through your childhood wounds and imprinting has become part of your patterning. That energetic patterning is your belief system that informs the quantum field around you to manifest certain aspects of your life. Much of this becomes automatic and unconscious until you have an opportunity like we do this month to go within, dig it up, re-evaluate its relevance, and make a change. So, the bottom line is that this is a great month to reset and recreate who you are, what you want to manifest, and how you want to show up in the world. It is going to take work, commitment, discipline and a true willingness to change.- You may also find yourself resurrecting old hobbies or projects or even collaborations with others especially around the arts and music. That garden that you dreamed of planting a few years ago may suddenly manifest because it is the right time. Or that business deal you gave up on will come around again with fresh energy and new insight. Be inspired by the possibilities and be creative in your problem solving and reconfiguring of what runs your physical life. It may be time to retire some aspects and rekindle others. Take a risk and take advantage of what comes your way, always willing for reevaluation and reset.- *(there's a total solar eclipse where the moon blocks the whole sun aug 21st) And speaking of eclipses, even if you are not in an area where they are visible, it would be very very wise to honor them in some way as powerful allies for reset. Try to take time around the eclipses, especially the solar one on the 21st, without interference from your schedule. “We will not actually see the results of what these eclipses have offered us until later in the fall. But you can be sure that if you put the intention into what you want reset, you will get their support.”-When you become defensive, blame others, and do not accept and surrender to the moment, your life meets resistance. Any time you encounter resistance, recognize that if you force the situation, the resistance will only increase. You don't want to stand rigid like a tall oak that cracks and collapses in the storm. Instead, you want to be flexible, like a reed that bends with the storm and survives. Completely desist from defending your point of view. When you have no point to defend, you do not allow the birth of an argument. If you do this consistently -- if you stop fighting and resisting -- you will fully experience the present, which is a gift. Someone once told me, "The past is history, the future is a mystery, and this moment is a gift. That is why this moment is called 'the present'." If you embrace the present and become one with it, and merge with it, you will experience a fire, a glow, a sparkle of ecstasy throbbing in every living sentient being. As you begin to experience this exultation of spirit in everything that is alive, as you become intimate with it, joy will be born within you, and you will drop the terrible burdens and encumbrances of defensiveness, resentment, and hurtfulness. Only then will you become lighthearted, carefree, joyous, and free. In this joyful, simple freedom, you will know without any doubt in your heart that what you want is available to you whenever you want it, because your want will be from the level of happiness, not from the level of anxiety or fear. You do not need to justify; simply declare your intent to yourself, and you will experience fulfillment, delight, joy, freedom, and autonomy in every moment of your life. *Literally, I believe I got you back into my life bc I wanted it so bad. You are proof that you can "get whatever you want bc you want it from the level of your happiness" I knew I would have you back one day honestly, I just had doubt. I knew it even before last April when you told me I couldn't let you go bc you were the one for me. You just had to grow up. I moved to Colorado to let you do that. -research tells us that every thought and emotion creates a chemcial reaction because it immediately changes our neurochemicals that affect our mental, physical and spiritual health,Your mantra should be your own; something that resonates with you and helps you recenter in the moment. Keep in mind that what de-stresses one person may not be calming for another. So stick with what works, even if it’s something as silly as “Hakuna Matata.” How could this 90s mantra not make you smile? Plus — it means no worries ... for the rest of your days.:) “This Too Shall Pass.” While it’s important to live in the present moment, it’s also comforting to remind yourself the stress you’re enduring now is temporary — clear skies are on the horizon.“Make It Work.” Tim Gunn’s power phrase is poignant: Take a deep breath and remember that you’re in control and there’s always a solution. Don't worry be happy(: & ofcourse from bob Marleys song "3 little birds" Don't worry about a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Singin: don't worry about a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right! It's gonna be be alright man. Rise up this mornin, Smiled with the risin sun, Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin sweet songs Of melodies pure and true, Sayin, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:) Singin: don't worry bout a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right.Singin: don't worry (dont worry) bout a thing,Cause every little thing gonna be all right! * hope you sang that with a Jamaican accent too :) alright who knows how many stamps this will be but this was the best way for me to show you that I'm thinking about you and doing everything I can to help you be positive & assured. I'm by your side baby. No matter what I'm going to wait for you. 8-08 i love you

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