#but im not about to write a tumblr essay about that lol

[idolbound]

At a base level, Meredith holds a general dislike towards men, with few exceptions. These reasons are primarily related to sexuality, and her exceptions are given through familial relationships. While this dislike is not necessarily overt (as interacting with men is very much a part of her life), the way she engages with men socially vastly differs compared to women. The reasons below are derived from both canonical events and personal headcanons.

Familial & Interpersonal Relations

As a little girl, Meredith adored her dad. While her older sister Amelia was closest with their mother, Meredith was very attached to their father, spending almost as much time with him as she did with Amelia. While Meredith was very young (around 5 years old) when her beloved mage sister became victim to demon possession and killed their parents and neighbours, she was saved by Knight-Captain Wentworth Kell. In that moment, Meredith saw him as her hero and savior, and it instilled the faith and belief in herself that she too, would become a templar from that fateful day forward. As such, Meredith became an initiate in her early teens, serving as Ser Wentworth's page for a few years. In that time, she learned directly from him, but she also saw him akin to an adoptive father. Over the years, Ser Wentworth began experiencing early symptoms of lyrium-related dementia; prior to his retirement to the Chantry to live out the rest of his remaining days, he named Meredith as his successor to fill the position of Knight-Captain, and in his speech, he called her the "daughter he never deserved." This relationship was pivotal for young Meredith, and in some ways, more painful than losing her own family; she would visit him, watching him and his memories slowly fade away over a two-year period. By the end, he did not remember who she was, and the grief of losing another father is something she has carried with her ever since. In this sense, Meredith's father and adoptive father respected and loved her deeply, teaching her all they knew. She held both of them in high esteem, both as a child and teenager/very young adult. These familial relationships are very important to Meredith, and they are one of the only ways that she finds herself in close companionship to men whatsoever. In a way, she extends this type of relationship later on in her life to Cullen. Taking the older mentor role, Meredith had chosen Cullen to be her Knight-Captain because she felt a sort of kinship with him; like her, Cullen was quite young and deeply traumatized from a mage-related incident. She took advantage of this shared experience to shape and influence his ideology about mages and how to control them in the Circle using strict routines and regulations. In this way, she sought to mould him into her future successor, trusting that he would continue to lead Kirkwall's Templar Order in her footsteps, long after she is gone. In this sense, she has a somewhat maternal relationship with Cullen, seeing him as a pseudo-son; while she would never go quite as far as saying he is the child she "never deserved", she certainly places far more trust in Cullen than anyone else serving under her, and holds a certain fondness towards him.

General Relations

In terms of men more broadly and in a general sense, Meredith has never felt a desire to befriend nor deeply engage with them, mainly for two reasons - both of which are related to sexuality: namely, Meredith's own sexuality as a lesbian, as well as Meredith being seen as someone conventionally attractive to heterosexual men. Combined, these interrelated factors have led to Meredith's general aversion and dislike of most men; she would prefer to have nothing to do with men at a personal level, but works in a male-dominated environment and lives in a heteronormative society, which makes avoiding men in that capacity difficult. In the very least, Meredith finds some salvation in practicing and following a religion that is matriarchal in its hierarchy, even if the rest of society isn't.

Meredith's Lesbianism & Being Conventionally Attractive

Meredith has always been considered a very conventionally attractive person. Even from a young age, she has always been good looking, tall, and strong. Growing up in the Templar Order, she had to live alongside her mostly male Templar brethren in the barracks, and as a result, many of them have tried to flirt with her or even go so far as to pursue a relationship with her over the years. As a young teenager around age 14 to 15, Meredith's interests were strictly on her training and her devotion to the Chantry, seeing herself as nothing but a pure, pious Andrastian, who would likely be upholding a vow of chastity (even if the practice was not mandatory for Templars), or in the very least, choosing to remain chaste until marriage, if there was ever an opportunity to do so. However, as noted in the canon, marriage for Templars requires special permission from Chantry leaders and requires that the non-templar partner must be able to financially support themselves in case the templar is relocated to another Circle.

As such, Meredith often cited her devotion to the Chantry and its doctrine as the main reason for rejecting these boys, but as she grew a little older, around age 16, she started to discover her preference towards the fairer sex. While there had been some... inclinations early on (by way of homoerotic friendships with other girls living under the care of the Chantry), it wasn't until she realized that her lack of sexual interest in boys was not because of her devotion to religious doctrine, but instead, was because of her genuine sexual attraction to other girls. It took time for her to realize that there was nothing about boys that attracted her to them; she lived amongst them, saw them in more personal ways than most other girls her age, and still wanted nothing to do with them at an intimate level. They were her templar brothers, nothing more (despite their efforts to be more than that). This early 'conflict' shaped her ideas about how boys treated her, but felt that she could not express her attraction or pursue relationships with girls without repercussions, and so, for the first few years of being a Knight-Templar, she kept things to herself and still used her devotion to the Order and the Chantry as a reason to reject suitors. As Meredith came to terms with her attraction to the same-sex in her late teens, she soon became quite confident in herself upon entering adulthood. As she inherited the position of Knight-Captain after Ser Wentworth's unfortunate passing in her very early 20s, she was described as having a steeled resolve and being far more charismatic than that of the old and greying Knight-Commander Guylian. This enabled her to bring about changes to the management of the Circle, implementing strict routines and harsh punishments for the mages, without question or doubt from her peers. Even years later, after the incident that led Viscount Perrin to send mercenaries to kill the Knight-Commander, Meredith rallied the templars into a retaliatory charge to the Viscount's Keep in order to arrest him for his crimes; in a similar fashion, not a single templar balked or questioned her orders, and this led her to being named Knight-Commander at the young age of 29. Those who work with Meredith see her as a powerful figure in leadership; between her physical looks and dominant personality, Meredith has established herself as both a competent leader in the Templar Order and an attractive one at that.

Even early on in her career, it was clear to most people that Meredith's devotion to the Order and the Chantry was her utmost priority, but unlike her younger self, she attained more freedom through earning a higher rank, and so, as Knight-Captain at age 24, she began to explore her sexuality and pursue same-sex relations with other women. Mainly, she sought casual relationships with those she knew were like her within the walls of the Chantry itself (again, serving as the only place she can really go to freely outside of the Order). This allowed Meredith to fully find her confidence in tandem with her ascension in the Order, feeling far more comfortable with herself, even if that part of her had to remain hidden from the public, because of her duties as well as the potential for social stigma that could affect her career. Over time, in some ways, Meredith's lesbianism is a little more obvious to those who pay attention. In particular, the templars who have known her and served alongside her for all of their lives have noted her blatant disinterest in, and rejection of, men, and sometimes, likely, the way that she has disappeared after evening prayer and not returned across the harbour until later than most (though for years, when her brethren were still not afraid to ask, she always cited it as 'administrative business', and left it at that). In this time, her love for, and attraction to, women was cultivated, and it played a part in her confidence - which in turn, has played a part in how people perceive her, still, as a very attractive woman.

However, despite all of her hard work and ascension through the ranks of the Templar Order and some of the rumours about her sexuality, some men still believe they might have a chance in pursuing her. This has certainly lessened over the years to an extent as she has gained power and influence as Knight-Commander, and in some ways, because of aging (though that said, many see her as still rather attractive - for example, Jethann of the Blooming Rose referred to her as a "tall, handsome woman" in recent years), but after having to deal with men finding her extremely attractive for all of her life, despite her very obvious disinterest in the opposite sex, Meredith has grown to have a general dislike for most men.  While she generally trusts that the men who serve under her do so at a professional level, she cares little for their personal lives or interests, and only interacts as necessary. Overall, she has very few 'friends', given her position and devotion to the Order, but she holds even less desire to be friends with men. She has no reason to engage with men beyond a professional capacity. That said, though, she does seem to care a lot for Thrask, and is quite upset when she finds out he betrays her, so I like to believe that they were in the same cohort in their youth, training and serving the Order together for many years; in this way, that particular relationship almost embodies a familial relationship, and is most certainly an exception to the rule.

Conclusion

Overall, the social context of Thedas, and Kirkwall in particular, has shaped how Meredith has developed as a person and how her sexuality exists within the constraints of the society she lives in. While Meredith accepts close familial relationships that are based in mentorship, respect, and to some degree, love, she typically rejects general relationships with men outside of that context; as a lesbian woman, she has no romantic or sexual interests in men, but as someone who is considered conventionally attractive by society and ergo, heterosexual men, she has had the unfortunate experience of being romantically and sexually pursued by them. And, because it is not the norm in society, Meredith cannot be open with her lesbian sexuality (again, for fear of social stigma affecting her career), and therefore, cannot establish rejection on the basis of a lack of attraction, but rather, instead, must reject men on the basis of her devotion to her faith. This has led to Meredith's general dislike for men, and preference to avoid interaction if at all possible. Outside of this fictional context and going into real life, a lot of lesbians - myself included - find it more comfortable to decenter men in our lives. This is a process that helps women break free from a compulsory heterosexual society (from Adrienne Rich's (1980) theory that heterosexuality is innately assumed and enforced by a patriarchal and heteronormative society, particularly for women), by way of unlearning and subverting patriarchal norms, and changing gender relations, so that women's worth is not tied to the interests of, nor the relationships to men. Obviously, this process is arguably easier for lesbian women who already lack the romantic/sexual attraction to men and who love and support women. Obviously, for Meredith, this is not as easily attainable in the context of Kirkwall and wider society in Thedas. She spends almost all of her time surrounded by men in the Gallows who serve under her as Knight-Commander, though for the most part, they respect her as their leader. While she cannot necessarily decenter men in the same way as someone like me in a modern world, she finds her reprieve where she can by going to the Chantry for her daily evening prayer where she is surrounded by other women. This is why, if she has the opportunity to meet, work with, or even engage in potential relationships with, more women outside of the Order - as nobles or even otherwise - she will take it.

[senshisdaughter]

THE TERUHASHI KOKOMI DOCUMENT (that I forgot I made for like, the past 2 months lmao)

This is a thing I made almost in one sitting while listening to this playlist by CASP, It literally is the best character playlist i've ever seen, it resumes her character arch so well!!

Enough said, he's the thing:

Part 1: Introduction

Kokomi Teruhashi is my favorite character from saiki k. As much as I see myself in Saiki or find characters like Kaido and Akechi funny, no other character has grasped my attention like teruhashi. Her bits were funny, she had some of the most interesting dynamics with other characters, mainly Saiki, and she was the one of the characters that best reflected the themes of the series together with Kusuo.

So, seeing the utmost love I have for her character, you can probably imagine my surprise to find out how so many people who have “watched” the show simply hate her. Some will say she’s annoying, some will say she’s narcissistic, mean or a bitch. Some will hate her for getting in the way of their headcanons or for any other reason you can easily see flowing around. Even worse, this teruhashi hate is not a small minority but quite a big amount of the fandom, to the point that teruhashi lovers will tag any teruhashi positive posts with the saiteru tag, even with the ship not present, so that the few teruhashi lovers from the ship can see it.

In this essay I will firstly analyze Teruhashi’s character, mostly from the anime as I have not read the manga, and after that I will point out some of the reasons people say they hate the character and after question the real reasons behind this hate.  

Part 2: The perfect pretty girl:

Teruhashi, like most characters in the show, gets introduced as a shallow character. The whole joke at first is the expectation breaking that comes from Saiki’s power: the perfect pretty girl does not have a perfect personality like we would expect. She is overly aware of her beauty and uses it to benefit herself. She gets surprised by someone simply ignoring it, to the point of becoming obsessed with Saiki without even knowing his actual name.

Her characterization at the beginning of the series is very straight forward, she is a living illusion, a egocentric person who will manipulate people to get what she wants using her beauty, while pretending to be perfect in all aspects. Most of her jokes come from the absurd levels of power she demonstrates because of her appearance or from Saiki running away from her love schemes, as he doesn’t want all the attention that Kokomi brings with her.

At first, like ALL characters in the first season, Teruhashi is not painted in a good or deep light, mostly being very exaggerated in her worse traits and being targeted by Saiki’s funny remarks. This is the way the show first introduces us to characters. Nendo simply starts as the stupid one, Kaido is the shy and awkward Chuunibyou, Yumehara is the love crazy girl and so on. Here is where I personally find most Teruhashi haters get their distaste from, even though, as it will be further analyzed later, there are still some questionable things about the amount of hate this version of the character gets.

At this point in the series most characters are there only to be funny, without too much depth. But, as the season continues, the show starts to allow its characters to gain more depth. As much as Teruhashi still continues to mostly stay as the “perfect pretty girl who actually has a bad personality deep inside” we finally start seeing more depth to her during the later half of the first season. We start to see her develop friendships with Yumehara and the others, allowing us to see more of her personality than just her crush on Saiki and her contradictory personality, even if those are still the main focus of the character. 

But, as with most characters in the show, there is a very important change in tone after season two. We do not see Teruhashi Kokomi simply as the pretty perfect girl, but we actually get to see a bit more than that.

Part 3: The real girl

Kokomi Teruhashi is, above anything else, simply a girl. And that fact gets more and more obvious as we continue in the series. Her behavior that appears perfect is a mask, her thoughts that were very judged by Saiki in the beginning become clearly normal thoughts a teenager would have. Even the way she weaponizes her beauty: we see how all of that is placed on top of a real, normal human girl. 

Kokomi uses people as much as she is used, we get to see clearly how hard it is to “be perfect”, and how much it is expected of her. She isn’t allowed privacy even in her own home (I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT HIM), she isn’t allowed to have common hobbies and behaviors, any change she makes to her appearance is seen and judged and she is not treated like a normal person. The show starts to deconstruct the idea that Teruhashi is faking her perfection out of malice or narcissism, giving us a new view of it.

We see Teruhashi’s internal thoughts: how she thinks she's giving people happiness, how she knows people expect her to embody perfection, how she knows the responsibility and power she got from birth. It changes her relationship with her beauty, no longer is she abusing it, but simply taking back as much as it is taken from her. 

With A LOT of the jokes in the anime, when thinking about them for a little bit, some things become concerning: this 16 years old girl is certain that people will get depressed if she doesn’t show up and perform her perfection (which we know to be true seeing how they all react when she is simply sick), this 16 years old girl is sure that giving chocolates to her crush will start world war three (which, even if we see it as hyperbole, is taken completely seriously by her, and whatever it would actually happen or not is irrelevant, as she feels responsible to stop it even at the cost of her happiness). We see time and time again how much she constantly feels responsible for others feelings and actions, completely changing the reason we think she puts up an act.

Not only that, but we see how much she appreciates being treated as a normal person. Her crush on Saiki, born initially from spite, becomes genuine affection as she grows fond of him mainly because he treats her like she is not special. Of course she hated it at first, she never knew what being treated like a person was! Not only that, Teruhashi feels that she is responsible for others happiness, and here she sees a boy that isn’t happy to see her. As much as it hurts her pride, which is the way Saiki sees the situation, it also directly hits the only thing she sees as her worth, as her responsibility. 

Kokomi at first seems very prideful, and it would be a lie to say she isn’t, but mostly we see how to a certain extend that was a side effect of her mask, and as she gets more and more used to being treated like a normal person, especially by Saiki and Yumehara, she starts to care less about it, even allowing herself to make a “mistake” by forgetting a random thing about what a boy changed after fainting from exhaustion trying to be perfect.

Yumehara herself is one of the most important characters for Teruhashi’s growth. We do not know much about Kokomi’s past, but she clearly doesn’t have a lot of friends at the start or before the series. She, as all of Saiki’s friends, is deeply lonely, as even though she is popular she isn’t close to anyone. That is, before she and Yumehara become friends.

Part 4: Being human

One of the main challenges we see Saiki going through the series is his feelings of alienation from the rest of humanity. He doesn’t feel human, always feels like he is different from others and needs to put on a mask to exist in society. We also see this mentality slowly being melted away by having friends, as they pretty much grab Kusuo by the neck and throw him away from this idea, by showing him love and understanding. This is one of the most important themes of the story, and one Kokomi Teruhashi embodies just as well.

Teruhashi at the start pretty much lived simply to fulfill the role that was given to her by society at her birth: be as perfect as she looked. Boys were too shy to interact meaningfully with her while girls were too intimidated to be friends. When people did talk to her it was mostly to compliment her on her appearance or to try and get something out of her. That at first changes with Saiki.

This random boy from her class, a boy that she still finds the need to make a little happier with her presence (a thing that has ALWAYS happened since she was born), a boy she doesn’t even know the name of. This boy simply gave no fucks about her beauty. He saw Kokomi like he saw everybody else, both in appearance and personality, so he treated her like he did everyone else: indifference.

  Of course Teruhashi doesn’t believe it, something like that never happened before. Of course her first reaction is that something is wrong and that she needs to fix it. At this point she is so immersed in her mask that she can’t even see it is not her real self. And the more she tries the more Saiki treats her like a normal human being.

Then we get the second most important character for Teruhashi’s growth: Yumehara. Yumehara is the first girl we see that not only decides to treat Kokomi as a normal human being, but also to be her friend. We clearly see both of them struggle at first, as Yumehara finds it weird to talk to “the perfect girl” and Teruhashi simply has no experience talking with girls. But we see them building a relationship, caring for eachother and, most importantly, we see Teruhashi being allowed to be a normal girl.

With both of them by her side Kokomi slowly starts to truly become herself, gaining a bigger possibility then the role she had been put since birth. And with time even her other friends in the group start to treat her more and more like a human being. From Hairo and Mera (aroace icons fr) that don’t seem to really care about her beauty, to Kaido and Nendo, who even if they do care about it still end up treating Teruhashi as a friend first.

We can clearly see how much this connections change

Teruhashi's mindset: she becomes less egotistical while still being aware of her beauty, she understands what's more important to her than her perfection, she finally starts to understand that she is allowed to be human.

Part 5: Parallels painted pink and blue

It is so easy to think of Teruhashi’s crush on Saiki as any other joke, like Yumeharas, but there is a very important reason why she and Saiki are placed side by side so much: they are perfect mirrors.

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K is a show about loneliness. Not the psychic powers of quirky people, the main thing everyone in the cast has in common is that they are all deeply lonely. Kaido, Nendo and Kuboyasu are social outcasts, Yumehara and Mera while not being isolated by their peers are also not very social with them, and Hairo, even though he’s popular, doesn’t have anyone to match his freak energy. They all find connection in their weird little friends group. And in this group there are two opposite but mirroring characters: Saiki Kusuo and Teruhashi Kokomi.

Saiki doesn’t feel human, but like a monster. He feels disconnected from his peers as he was born with powerful abilities that, while they can be used for personal gain, he feels responsible to hide as a way to keep others safe. So, he wears a mask of normalcy, not allowing anybody near him and hiding everything that makes him special. He has to deal with the weight and troubles of hiding a part of himself from others, and finds it difficult to show it even to those he knows would accept him.

Teruhashi doesn’t feel human, but like a goddess or an angel. She feels disconnected from her peers as she was born with a powerful beauty that, as it is impossible to hide, she feels responsible to make it as visible and perfect as possible, in an attempt to make others happy. So, she wears a mask of perfection, making it impossible for people to completely get close to her as she hides everything that makes her normal. She has to deal with the weight and troubles of hiding a part of herself from others, and finds it difficult to separate between her mask and herself.

They both grew up with a similar problem: they were alienated from others because of their uniqueness. But, both diverge at the fact that Saiki can hide his powers, while Teruhashi can’t. So while Kusuo fights a part of himself until he doesn’t see it as part of him, Kokomi is eaten by her mask, confusing herself with the mask she wears.

Both characters force each other to confront the truth, as Saiki needs his powers to keep up with Teruhashi and she is unable to mask in front of him. By their similarities they both push each other to become more in tune with their humanity.

Even their real personalities are similar, both being mean to others in their heads while acting very kindly in the end. Both are absurdly competitive, stubborn and even childish at times. They are both good but flawed people, who lost touch with their humanity as it was taken away from them by others because of their unique traits. Even if dealing with it in completely opposite ways, both are, at their core, very similar characters. They are the two who can understand each other the best, having similar problems, from god like abilities and bad brothers (I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT HIM)

Part 6: The haters

Here is where my main problems with Teruhashi haters lie. While anyone is entitled to like or dislike any character, the characteristics that are targeted on Teruhashi are, at its core, characteristics that are very clearly present on Saiki. But, when Teruhashi shows them instead of the protagonist they become a problem.

Saiki is a self-centered guy, who will do everything in his power to avoid others. He is constantly mean to his friends and strangers in his head while being quiet on the outside. Saiki constantly makes it clear, especially in the first episodes, how he needs to lower his abilities, be it physical or intellectual, to keep being normal, because he is better than his peers at both.  

Kokomi does the same, she is self-centered and does everything in her power to get what she wants. She is constantly mean to others in her head while being nice on the outside. She makes it constantly clear that she is prettier than her peers and she does not hide it.

They both have the same unlikable characteristics. but they get framed differently by both the show and the fandom. Saiki can be mean in his head, because if he doesn’t say anything he isn’t being fake, while Kokomi deciding to be nice to others is bad? If Kusuo uses his birth giving abilities to avoid people and manipulate situations it's relatable because he’s being a introvert, while if Teruhashi uses his birth giving beauty and luck (that works in the same level as Saiki’s powers) to get someone’s attention and manipulate situations she is manipulative and a bitch? 

And it’s not only traits she shares with Saiki that are badly seen. She is annoying to Saiki and never leaves him alone? So is Nendo, but when she does it it’s bad, even though we know Saiki never went and rejected any of his friends' affection directly. People will say she can’t take no for an answer when no was never said to her. 

People expect a character who’s whole life was told she is perfect to not think she is. People expect a character who’s been given everything she wants her whole life to not expect that? Saiko thinks exactly that, and like Teruhashi starts to learn that things are not like that, but he still will default to thinking this. But when he does it’s not a problem, but when Teruhashi does it she is entitled and bad.

Like it was said before, disliking a character is something anyone can do for whatever reason, but I do find it important to analyze why you hate a character, especially if the reasons you give are only a problem when given to a confident female character. The whole point of her bit is that, the fact she knows she is beautiful and uses it to her favor is something that would surprise and get people mad, and seeing it be realized by people outside the anime makes it ever so clear why her characters has such a hard time being true to herself. If she didn’t pretend to be perfect the hate that she receives from the fandom would be very similar to the hate she would receive in her world.

But then the question becomes why? In a show full of self-centered characters, who are inconvenient, who are entitled, who are arrogant, why is Teruhashi the one who gets the most hate for any of these characteristics? While I do believe for some people they just didn’t find her bit funny, I do really think that for most it was simply misogyny. She is a confident woman who knows and uses her beauty to get what she wants. In real life women like this will get targeted and harassed, they are hated simply because they don’t act “pure and innocent” as it is expected, as it is completely shown in the show through Teruhashi. She is a character molded by misogynistic stereotypes, and while I do think the show does well in using them while criticizing it, a big portion of the fandom simply was not able to see this character without the lenses of misogyny the character itself is made to criticize.

I find it to be very important to analyze why you hate Teruhashi if you do so. Did you not find her funny or were you bothered by a woman showing character flaws? Did you get annoyed she got in the way a ship you think is better? While I cannot convince everyone to stop hating a fictional character, I urge you to ask yourself WHY do you dislike her, and to see if you dislike male characters with the same flaws you say you hate. 

Part 7: The tragedy of Teruhashi Kokomi 

Of course, it does sound a bit contradictory for me to say that “anyone is entitled to like or dislike any character” and then write a big ass dissertation on why you should not hate Teruhashi. But there is a big reason why I really wanted to do this: I really really love her character.

It's tiring to see many many people hate on a well written character, and sadly, the reason she is hated is BECAUSE she is well written. The show doesn’t say out loud that Teruhashi is fine, that she is a normal teenage girl that was cursed with unending beauty in a world that will never allow her to acknowledge it. The social behaviors criticized by her character are only made more explicit by the way a portion of the fandom treats her, and sadly, that was inevitable with a character like her.

So in the end I can only hope to see more positive things about her in the future, as I do love this character as much as I do Saiki. And even though I know people will still hate Kokomi, I hope some people can see what a great character she actually is.

[mbat]

i really wanted to try and write like, a thing explaining how i think steven universe future is one of the best portrayals (and my personal favorite) of mental illness in media, and how i think people misinterpreted it (me included at first, cause my experience over time has given me new perspectives) but i. AAA i literally dont even know if its necessary cause i dont know if people still think it was bad or a bad way to write steven (it wasnt!!) or like any of that, mostly cause. holy shit its just so obvious to me?

like i watch that show and i relate to him so much that i just understand it all and its so obvious to me and i dont know if other people find it. not obvious. like everything is right there in the text laid out i think

the main thing that i saw get misinterpreted when it aired was the second to last episode where steven turns into a fucking kaiju and everyone, again me included, thought that it felt rushed, but everytime i rewatch it i think... no it wasnt, actually. because we see it expecting a big fight or thinking it needs a whole lot to fix, but it doesnt. its not a fight, its someone having a mental breakdown and thinking theyre purely unlovable and evil, but being made to see that they are still lovable and arent evil even after all the bad theyve done, theyre loved unconditionally, and that other stuff mostly really doesnt matter (and hey, it can be fixed/dealt with later, its fine!)

its just my favorite show ever, specifically future! and i really wish other people would see what i see, but do i even need to try..? i didnt really write it very well anyway, but drafts exist for a reason. idk ive just been thinking about it a lot

TL;DR: i adore steven universe future and im wondering if anyone thinks its even necessary for it to be analyzed for people to maybe better understand it/do you think that there are enough people misunderstanding it that it needs a perspective to maybe help be more understood

[spacedlexi]

Would love to hear u talk more about Clem and Minnie mirroring one another if u haven’t already 🦅

i have Not >:) cracks knuckles

talking about minnie can be hard since she Really only exists in eps 3 and 4. eps 1 and 2 keep the twins pretty mysterious we only learn a few things about them. i think the most important thing we know about them tho is that they (or at least minnie) provided a sense of relief for the ericson kids. tenn saying how minnie would sing them "dont be afraid" when they were feeling scared. i think its safe to assume she wrote the song Specifically to have a way to make the other kids feel better when things were rough

when the twins die the kids lose this emotional support and we can tell its been hard on all of them (some more than others). but then in comes clementine. our girl whos been carrying the "light in the darkness" motif since season 1. and although she got that shit a little dirty in seasons 2 and 3 (ava going off in s3 about how clem and aj are light and hope and shit so we're still supposed to see it (and recognize that clem has become so Dark in s3 without aj)), she got her light back when she got aj back and she'll die protecting him

clem (and aj) fall very quickly into the hole the twins left. now its clem who makes them feel safe. first with finding them food then protecting them against the raiders ("youre our savior clem" "we were more scared than we let on when you met us. you made that go away"). its not an accident theyre put up in the twins room. and with the way violet grabs the frame and looks at it sadly we can even assume clem sleeps in minnies old bed (also the old torn down paintings seem to only be on ajs side of the room and hes got his whole "i wanna be an artist too" thing going on). clem has unintentionally taken on minnies old role of making the kids feel safe and reassured

then we finally meet minnie. and based on how the others described her there is definitely a piece of herself that shes lost (that shes killed). her light is gone now. and although her motivations have been warped, they remain the same. i do genuinely believe she is still trying to protect the ericson kids and do whats best for them, but just in the only way she thinks she can to stop more people from dying. she might even think the pros of living with the delta are worth the cons. clementine is the one teaching them to fight back but minnie knows from experience that fighting back just gets you killed, so she feels like if she can just stop clementine then everything will be fine ("youre the FUCKING problem here" "i wont let you get them all killed" and she does seem genuinely concerned if clem and vi are fighting in the cell. and obviously we know she doesnt want anything to happen to tenn). both minnie and clem want to protect the ericson kids they just have conflicting opinions about which is the right way to do it. but minnie Does show her ass when she ends her "if you just do what they say you can live" speech with "you can be rewarded just like i am" 👀 oh girl... she didnt just give up she gave in. killing sophie was her breaking point and i really wish we knew more about how that scene went down outside of lillys dramatic retelling i would like to see it objectively please. but based on the way lilly tells it, minnie (im sure begrudgingly) accepted her place at the delta before it even came to that, and was probably just pulled along by sophie when she tried to escape. which is probably why (im assuming) lilly gave her the choice to kill sophie to stay with the delta (her New family), and she did... she kills a piece of herself when she does this (only compounded by the twin imagery), and i think her seeing clem fight back reminds her of sophie and brings all those feelings to the surface. and if she can just kill clem everything will be ok, cuz it worked last time....

minnie singing "dont be afraid" when attacking them on the bridge. a song that once brought them peace now being used to herald death. but since she approaches already singing it she was probably singing it to soothe herself as she succumbs to her bite, walking away from the wreckage she blames on clem, her delta family dead (she Did care about them in a fucked up way), using a herd of walkers against them the same way clem used a herd of walkers to attack the boat. all minnie cares about at this point is finding tenn, and she does, and shes gonna take him with her. just like clem looking for aj, finding him, and taking him. but where clem would die to protect aj, minnie wants to kill tenn to take him "home" with her. add to this ajs feelings about ending up alone without clem and wanting to be walkers together if it came to it. this is why tenn dying on the bridge feels narratively fulfilling to me even tho i hate it 😭 tenn wants to be with minnie (and sophie and their parents) and death doesnt scare him. it kinda comforts him. him and minnie dying together here is like the dark fate clem and aj barely avoid

and then vi fitting into this as she became tenns caretaker after the twins left. she also wants whats best for him so her and minerva fighting at the end for tenn is interesting. especially since violet (and louis but he wasnt tenns caretaker the way vi was) can die throwing him over the gap. i like the layers violet adds to being in the bridge scene, and it makes it even more sad when she cant protect him because thats all shes been trying to do since before clem and aj even showed up. plus aj shooting tenn puts violet in a similar position to louis in regards to marlons death

i really love the ways violets route adds to all the minnie and tenn stuff. and the way we can see clems influence change her. how a saved violet is ready to fight with clem but a kidnapped violet believes in minnies goals and thinks giving up is the safest plan for everyone. because regardless if you save her or not violet ALSO wants to keep the ericson kids safe and just doesnt know the best way to do it. clem encourages violet to step up and minnie encourages violet to give up (warping her character growth which is why i cant Not save her 😭 and the betrayal of it all). using violet as a common denominator is another way to differentiate between clem and minnie. then throw the romance on top of that.... you can see why i get a little...Sillay.. this is ALSO why i dont like vinerva in any romantic capacity post the events of ep3 and why i love seeing vi with clem. its what they each encourage in her. minnies weakness, clems strength.... why seeing vi and minnie fight clem makes me want to cry but seeing clem and vi fight minnie makes me jump off the walls LETS GOOO

and i havent even talked about lilly yet.... how if lee took lilly up on her offer in S1 about stealing the RV together clem couldve ended up in her custody.... i definitely believe clem looks at minnie and sees some broken scared part of herself in there. she is Fiercely Loyal and would do anything for her family so if she was raised (or broken) in that environment (and it seems very "ends justify the means" with the delta as it sounds like its actually pretty good over there if you can look past the intimidation and torture and kidnapping) i could definitely see her being the one standing behind lilly in some other universe. its what lilly still tries to do with her but its too late (and so lilly tries it with aj instead which is still a way to get to clem). but clems grown now and shes been making her own choices for a long time. shes already been through this with the new frontier (and hell even with carver at howes). she'd die before she gave in. and minnie made the choice to kill her sister to save herself

even with the little info we actually have on minnie she still works pretty well as a foil to clem. this is why i find it easier to talk about minnie when comparing her to clem like i feel like its her main purpose. i feel like theres still more i could say its just eluding me. its not a coincidence that minnie almost takes clem down with her in the end. why shes the reason clems able to get bit. minnie blames clem for her own demise and she's gonna get in one last fuck you. and minnies fate is one clem is desperately trying to avoid. kinda 👀 to be taken down by your narrative foil

[judasgot-it]

English is not my mother tongue so could you explain me why people call bsd boys baby girls? :c I really don’t get it, I used to think that just the boys that think they’re attractive but are cringe use that word to girls

Omg so I typed out like a whole response and it was deleted by tumblr grrrr

But anon you're 100% right, babygirl has a whole cringe history. Most people irl remember it still for being really weird and trashy, but recently it's become a bit of a friendly 'cringe joke' online

Like, calling someone babygirl is still weird, but especially if it's with friends it's a 'funny haha' kinda weird.

Calling the BSD boys babygirl, though, is a fun Fandom thing as of recent. It's just a new term for calling your fictional character crush, for example; pookie, husband, darling little angel, etc.

It's funny mostly, especially when you call the scariest character you can find your babygirl. Its a vocal equivalent of putting a pink frilly apron on them.

Like fyodor. Everyone online calls him babygirl so no one outside of the Fandom knows that he's a villain, just that he's babygirl.

Idk if this explanation was actually that good tbh but uhhh TLDR: babygirl is super cringe when used geniuenly like in flirting or as a pet name, but calling your anime boyfriend your babygirl is an exception cause it's funny and cringe on purpose.

[kawaiifuturebass88]

my wife is a super active tumblr user and has been telling me about this media literacy thing thats been happening/talked about here and i have really struggled to understand it, to the point that i didnt really believe it was real or i was just misunderstanding her or it was a very small isolated thing. she was telling me about it and it felt like she was just exaggerating for shock value and to be funny and i couldnt even laugh cuz i was too busy trying to figure out what the fuck she was talking about. people dont engage with media where someone is a bad person? ok but like so what do u watch and read? what is a story without a villain? that doesnt make sense i literally cant believe it.

then i watched the arcane finale and after exhausting my usual sources i turned to tumblr for more fan art and good vibes and ohhhhhh BOY arcane tumblr is like the source pool of this behavior, it is overFLOWING with media illiteracy and i got to actually see it with my own eyes and i was floored. i cant stop reading. the takes get wilder and wilder and the fabricated scenarions, lies, gross misunderstandings and blatant inability to infer anything get worse and worse and WORSE. its like watching a car accident over and over and over and its fascinating.

like, i understand why and how someone would become a conspiracy theorist or join a cult or whatever extreme thing, it makes total sense to me and is inherently human to create reasoning that feels safe to explain things that shock or scare you i.e. why religion exists lol but this doesnt follow that logic at all. i assume folks think they are being extremely smart but i struggle to accept that when people are just blatantly lying on the internet and most of the stuff i read is about visual media and you can literally just watch it or cite clips and instantly debunk it all. its not click bait and its not rage bait because all the interactions are supportive and agreeing. like wtf happened here?

i've been obsessed since i started reading this stuff because im so intrigued as to how you get to such a ridiculous spot, and not just a couple people but a whole swath of people across all the fandoms all writing long essays of bad takes with the same therapy language and total demonization of any disagreement. i wanna understand what you get from soapboxing on the internet and backing it up with exaggerations and lies and blatant ignorance to basic human interaction? i wonder if these people have ever spoken to a person before or had any kind of relationships because this is like robot level ignorance. i wonder why you want this. i wonder why you think these opinions make you better. i wonder if you actually apply these opinions in your real life, do you treat all your relationships with the same clinical level of over explaining and always assuming the absolute worst.

anyways, thats it for now. i have so many thoughts and theyre all running all over each other and i already have a hard time writing a large amount at once so i gotta step back and maybe ill try to collect some thoughts and continue thinking out loud here or maybe anxiety will get the better of me. we'll see.

[valeriianz]

9 Books I Plan to Read in 2025

i have not been in the habit of reading physical books lately... i miss it a lot. i really do wanna get better at it. tagged by @seiya-starsniper, thanks! starting with those that are currently unread on my shelf (mostly non-fiction):

Divine Might by Natalie Hayes - i really enjoyed her first collection of Greek Myth essays, "Pandora's Jar" and so when I saw this at a book store, i snatched it up. I've only read a few pages, but intend on finishing it this year.

Adult Children of Emotional Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson - this was recommended to me by a friend here on tumblr. i have... a strained relationship with my parents, but especially my mother. i've been putting off reading this because i gotta wait to be in the right headspace.

The Name of This Band is R.E.M. by Peter Ames Carlin - a hefty biography of one of my fav bands. i'm stoked to read this.

World Travel by Anthony Bourdain - not a book i yet own, but i love Bourdain's writing and he's one of my fav chefs.

The Mother Act by Heidi Reimer - the only fiction on this list lol. snagged this spontaneously while in a Barns n Noble. it's about an estranged relationship with a mother and daughter, who are both theatre actors/writers. can you tell i have mommy issues yet?

The Aeneid translated by Shadi Bartsch - the newest translation of this epic. i've never read it! but i've been told that it's a must haha.

Educated by Tara Westover - this is a memoir i started in 2021 as an audiobook, got maybe 1/4 of the way through before my loan expired and i never picked it back up... wanna try this year. i relate to it too hard lmao so sometimes it's hard to read. but im invested.

Lost Connections by Johann Hari - hello, my name is Kris, and i'm massively depressed lmao. this isn't a self help book (i hate those, genuinely) it promises to be more of a study with the author's personal and non-biased reflections. the last book i read by this author was Stolen Focus which was incredible (and i HIGHLY recommend it, esp if you struggle to stay off your phone or just stay focused in this social media focused world). so i'm going into it with high expectations.

The Iliad translated by Emily Wilson - slowly trudging through this one. i am a big fan of Wilson's translations, she makes the text so much more human and, most importantly, easy to understand. also, i adore the cover.

no honorable mentions because i highly doubt i'll even get through all of these ahhh

i'll tag... @tj-dragonblade @beatnikfreakiswriting @magnusbae @delta-pavonis

[symptomsofdeceit]

hihi!! :3 this is my first ever time sending someone an ask AND IM REAAALLY NERVOUS. gonna stay anonymous, because i'm a bit shy. also sorry if my grammar and spelling gonna be goofy, english isn't my first language :")

i found out about your game a couple of days ago and these crazy boys won't leave my mind ever since. i looove pathetic loser men and yanderes ❤️. demo is great!! your art style is soo pretty and i really like your character writing!!!! forgot that description said that there's two yanderes, so Nalis ending got me like 😳😳😳 OKAY THAT'S UNEXPECTED BUT SO DAMN HOT. Thaumo is so adorable! THAT MOMENT WITH FORK THO 😭😭😭 don't know which one of them is my fav so far. guess they have to fight for my heart so i could find out >:3 Tremo is so pretty!! ah, tired mysterious women are my weakness ❤️ also i feel sorry for Johnsoni, poor guy! #justice for Johnsoni, hope to see his sprite in future :"D i'm so eager to see what's awaits MC in next update. i know that game development isn't that easy, especially when you have to work irl. don't forget to take breaks from time to time, make an update at your own comfortable pace aand stay hydrated!!! your tumblr page and answer for other ppl asks about these weirdos is my food for now ❤️❤️❤️

SORRY THAT'S A WHOLE ESSAY LOL. just wanted to show how much i love your visual novel and characters! have some ideas for asks too, hope i will find the courage to write here again :"3 watch out Nalis and Thaumo, my future asks might be… veery silly >:D

Hello, & I apologize for this reply being late! I appreciate the ask very much, & no worries on your English!! I think you’ve done perfect here :)

I’m so so happy that you’ve enjoyed my demo!!!!This entire message has me grinning at my phone so so hard. If you eventually do decide on a favorite between the two I’d love to know which one it is!! I hope you’re taking breaks + staying hydrated in your life as well, and thank you so much for all of your kind words (｡ŏ﹏ŏ)💕💕💕💕

You have no idea how much I appreciate your words, this means a lot to me!! I would really love to have you in my inbox again, so I’m mentally sending you all the courage I can ✨💪😤 silly asks are some of my favorites, I’m excited to see what you’d throw at the boys!

[stanurines1mp]

Regrets

pairing: Ulquiorra Cifer x Fem!Gin's sister!Reader

type: angst

an: ignoring the fact that i start sm fanfics that i havent finished, here's another Bleach oneshot of one of my fav characters! i can write an entire essay on his character eheh. also, this is pretty short but im kinda lazy lol... its basically like the scene of him and orihime about the 'heart' but with a romantic(?) and angsty twist. so have fun and enjoy! dont forget to follow me on Tumblr and Wattpad! and share, like, vote, comment and all :)

warnings: angst (dont expect more from me), death, aizen (bro deserves a warning), gin (also deserves a warning but he's barely in here), reader is gin's younger sister, kinda rushed, blood (barely). i think thats all, lemme know if i miss anything! 

~~~

Following Aizen into Hueco Mundo was a decision filled with regret. Leaving behind your friends from the Seireitei was not your best move. But what more could you do when your older brother, Gin, had brought you along?

Honestly, what was he thinking?

But you couldn't deny him. You swore to stay by each other's side and this was not an exception.

So there you stood just a little behind him, fingers gripping tightly on the sleeve of his robe. Scared, you were barely peeking into the view of whatever Hollow Aizen had found interest in.

Ever since you set foot in this world, you were driven with fear, longing for a sense of warmth in this cold atmosphere. It's much too different than the Soul Society and the Human World. You'd do anything to get back to either one of those. But you swore to stay with Gin.

And Aizen was kind enough not to separate you both.

Until one day, he found your presence to be irrelevant and quite honestly a nuisance though he hid that fact with a sweet little lie of saying that he just wanted you to be safe.

And you remembered that day very well, too.

After all, it happened during a meeting with all the Espadas who swore loyalty to the God wannabe. Seated around the table were those 10 Arrancars and the traitors of Soul Society, including you.

"Y/N," Aizen brought the attention to you.

At this point in time, you had made yourself somewhat comfortable. Or rather, you've let yourself not get involved with anyone except your brother. So from your seat, your slouching back immediately straightened while your eyes widened. 

Your gaze lifted to meet the man, his soft orbs peering into yours. To the outside looking in, one would think he was displaying a look of warmth but you knew better than to fall for his manipulation. 

"Y-Yes?" You stuttered.

Sure, you were aware of his tricks. That didn't mean you weren't scared of him. 

"I have a very important task for you," he smiled. "I have informed Ulquiorra of everything and he is in charge of you."

"Wait, what?!" Your words slipped out, panic jolting your body as you looked from the man to your brother, your brows stitched in a silent beg for help. 

Before your brother could display even a shift in expression, your body froze in the chair. Your eyes widened, your lips emitting a hitched gasp. 

Aizen's Reiatsu was hurting you. 

Your fingers clutched firmly at the edge of the table. Your lungs felt like it was closing up, your airway narrowing as you gasped helplessly for air. 

"Are you denying me, Y/N?" His tone was silky smooth, an eyebrow raised condescendingly. 

Not without struggle, your head began to shake weakly as the brims of your eyes begin to well up with tears. Having enough of your suffering for the moment, Aizen lowered his Reiatsu and you gasped loudly as you could feel air flowing in and out of you again. 

"My apologies, Aizen-sama," you trembled, gaze lowering to the ground.

To that, he let out a pleased hum that matched his smirk. What a fucking sadist. 

So that's why you were currently stuck next to the 4th Espada, hiding in the Dangai while you waited to capture the human girl Aizen took an interest in. Honestly, some part of you hated yourself for being in such a position, forcing the same fate on an innocent girl who would do anything for her friends. 

"Inoue-san," you cleared your throat one day, knocking on the door. 

You pushed it open and saw the girl's sullen figure on the floor, gazing at the moon. She remained silent as she watched you enter. 

"How are you doing?" You asked, knowing it wouldn't bring any sort of comfort whatsoever despite that being your intention. "If you need anything, I'm at your service," you sighed. 

Silence passed between you two. Though expected, you took it as a sign to leave. Just as you were about to, she stopped you with a question. 

"Kuchiki-san told me about you," she said. "Why did you betray the Soul Society?" 

Her question struck you right at the pit of your regretful heart, making you stop in your tracks. 

With a sigh, you answered, "Just as you'd come here for your friends, I would do anything for my brother."

Refusing to prolong the conversation, you took your leave. Turning a corner as you head to your room, you felt fingers wrapped around your wrist. Holding you in place, Ulquiorra then appeared before you. 

"What do you think you're doing?" He raised his brows in question. 

Your eyes met his and you lowly exhaled. 

"Aizen-sama said that she's under our care," you reminded. "I am only caring for her." 

He let go of your hand, eyes still staring into yours. "You have no need to make friends with  her." 

A scoff slipped past your lips. "What are you?" You changed the subject, rather curious about something regarding the Arrancar. "Which part of Death do you signify, Ulquiorra?"

With your eyes stuck on him, paired with your question, he felt somewhat, exposed. His lips remain pursed, gaze peeling away from yours as he turned to walk away. 

"I do not see how that is of any relevance." 

"If I am to work by your side, I'd like to know more about you," you simply answered. 

Looking over his shoulder, he said, "As I said, I do not see the relevance." 

"I'll find out soon enough," you hummed, watching as he walked away. 

And with your future days spent closely with him, you actually did figure him out. 

You could clearly see it in his eyes, you actually wondered how you could have missed that. But you couldn't miss it anymore as each day passes by and he often visited you. 

It was odd but you had realized how frequently he came to see you whether it was to send you food or talk about the prisoner. You wondered if it was intentional but over time, you didn't seem to mind it. And maybe because now that you know him, you couldn't help the interest you held for him. 

You wanted to understand him. 

You wanted to understand why it was that you noticed his eyes changing since the day he met you. 

It seemed like you managed to reach that on an afternoon in Hueco Mundo. 

You were gazing at the blue sky, a smile tickling your complexion at the view that reminded you of the warmth back in Soul Society. But the one that sheltered you at the moment was nothing but a fake. At such a thought, your smile faltered. 

"What are you doing?" Ulquiorra's voice ran through your spine. 

"It's so heavy," you murmured. 

"What is?" 

You let out a sigh, turning around to see him. "My heart," you said. "It's full of regrets." 

He let out a patronizing scoff, "You humans and Soul Reapers toss that word around mindlessly. What is this 'heart'?" 

Your eyes flickered close for a moment but hearing his question, you understood him. 

And you understood yourself. 

And with a saddened smile, you reduced the distance with a question. "Do you not believe in the existence of the heart?" 

"I do not believe in things I cannot see," he began, taking another step. "Even with these eyes of mine that perceive all, I cannot see this so-called 'heart'."

"And that makes it not real?" 

His hand stretched forward, fingers aiming at your heart. 

"If I rip out your chest, will I see it? If I crush open your skull, will I see it?" 

The gap between the tip of his finger and the fabric of your dress over your heart closed with another step from you. His long nail threatened to puncture your skin but you did not have it in you to break your composure as you stared into his eyes. 

"Do it, then," your words silkened out daringly. 

You can see surprise behind those dark eyes, only aiding you to go further. 

"Rip out my chest. Crush open my skull. Do whatever you must to find my heart because I can assure you, it is real and it is there." 

You could see the slight tremble in his hand. With another step toward him, your dress let out a ripped sound as his claws penetrated through. 

"I have a heart that beats and with each passing second, it beats for you." 

Your lips parted in a slight gasp as you feel warm blood oozing out. Still, you let yourself be guided by your heart. 

"I am not afraid of you, Ulquiorra," you exhaled. "As I can see the emptiness in you begin to fill with the reflection of my love for you." 

Any changes of expression he tried to hide had failed terribly. But he was not the only one shocked by your confession.

It seems that you've let yourself fall for the 4th Espada. 

Maybe that would soon turn into yet another one of your regrets but for the time being, he let you go. 

His cold, empty demeanor had returned when he retracted his arm to his side. He began to walk away, leaving you a taste of his void and disappointment. But before he closed the door, he stopped. Over his shoulder, he looked in your direction but not really looking at you. 

"The human's friends have come to Hueco Mundo. My order for you is to stay in your room," he slurred out. "No matter what." 

With everything that occurred next, you still remained in your room. Why? 

Because he had asked you to. 

And you were meant to listen to him. 

So you ignored all the changes in Spiritual Pressure that occurred in Hueco Mundo to fulfill his order. But there was one change that you can no longer ignore. 

And with that worry, that fright, you ran out of your room. With all your strength, you flew upwards, past the fake skies of Las Noches and into the truth of Hueco Mundo. Landing on the ground, you stood up. 

And it was as if your mere presence had caused him to peel away his gaze from his opponent. His eyes that met yours were no longer those you saw during your first meeting. 

That emptiness that he signified was filling up. 

Just as your tears welled in your eyes, your lips parted in a frightful gasp, watching his wings begin to disappear. His hand, the very same one that bled you, lifted from his side. His fingers reached for you. Allowing your tears to fall, you cried as you ran to him, your own hand stretched out to grasp his. 

Yet no matter how fast you ran, you could never reach him. 

He was so close.

Yet so far. 

"I see it now," he said, stopping you in your tracks with wide eyes and parted lips. "I understand now," he said. 

You ignored the presence of the humans, only focusing on the fallen Espada. 

"Your heart," he let out, fingers beginning to close in an empty grip. "Has always been in the palm of my hands." 

Your breath hitched in your throat as you ran to him again, weakly struggling to reach him. 

But just when you did, his hand leaves you as it dissipated into darkened ash.

With a loud cry, you fell to your knees, our tears unabashedly falling to your cheeks. Your left hand clutches over your heart-

"Rip out my chest."

-while your right hand clutches over your head-

"Crush open my skull." 

As you were heeding his last order, he was heeding yours, providing you the sensation of actions you asked for. 

Yet another regret filled that heavy heart of yours.

[oatflatwhite]

Absolutely feel free to not answer but I was wondering how you grew more comfortable being aro/ace? I’m 22 and ace (maybe aro too idk) and I recently ended an on again off again relationship and I am questioning if I ever felt anything towards him in the first place. Im kinda scared bc I love romance but idk if I’ll ever experience it? I wish I was as secure as you seem to be. Thank u in advance 🙂

hey anon :) thank you for reaching out! it's a really hard feeling to come to grips with so i hope i can help in at least a small way.

id'ing as aroace has been quite the journey for me. i've known i was ace for the longest time, but there was a period of several years where i denied even that (thanks 2016 tumblr discourse). eventually i realised that certain feelings would just never happen to me and that was ok - because i could still have romance, right? well!

i think it was around 2021 i kind of thought hold on. i've lived 23 years on this goddamn earth and don't think i've ever had a real romantic feeling/urge for someone who wasn't a fictional character/someone i didn't "force" myself to like because everyone in high school has crushes, right? so i thought about it and just went oh. oh! and it almost felt as though a weight came off my shoulders. like, yes, i was fucking bummed to realise i would probably never fall in storybook love. but there was this sense of a burden i could unshoulder because suddenly i wasn't beholden to the need to find that love, you know? i could just. be me. and even though it might make me sad sometimes, it's enough.

since then i've been up and down about it, absolutely. i even had a brief period last year where i convinced myself i actually did like this guy in real life! through a comedy of errors i realised that romance in my head was fine but any kind of real life interaction in that vein made me sick to my stomach fr lol. (for real! he had to drive me home in my own goddamn car bc i felt so ill.) i still get upset about it sometimes too. i mean, all i write is romance. i read and watch a lot of romance too. romance is every fucking where and it is so ingrained to be a part of everyone's lives that to try and distance yourself from it in order to feel more comfortable not feeling it is. virtually impossible.

where i am right now, 26 years old, 10 years into my ace journey and about 3 into my aro one, is here: i like my life. i love my friends. i can't force myself into a feeling that i will never have. and maybe at times i will be lonely and sad about it, but building a community has helped so much. whether that's with other aro/ace people, or just your friends or family or anyone else you trust with this. because romantic love =/= personal fulfilment, happiness, success. we've just been told it does. it just takes work to make yourself believe otherwise.

and it's ok to be sad about it. but even if you feel lonely, you're not alone.

also, because i'm nothing if not a girl who loves a bibliography, i would recommend checking out these sources:

loveless by alice oseman

ace: what asexuality reveals about desire, society and the meaning of sex by angela chen

this essay by k.a. cook

and pinging a couple blogs with some good aro resources, though i'm sure there's more out there! @aroworlds @arowitharrows

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

my only critique of a lot of readers is they always seem to expect us to 100% buy into everything they post, if you try to even say oh theyre definitely being a tad too delusional surely an idol just isnt going to tell someone on tne internet their sexual preferences when the idols are usually aware of whats on the internet anyway (felix already knows about tumblr) its just almost hilarious to me that they even try to tell us such things in their readings i mainly take them with a grain of salt but they still want people to blindly believe what they write in their blog posts and never question them or their readings. theres defo some readers with an ego the size of a football pitch fr.

i do find readings useful but if they start getting overly detailed. some write essays long responses when i think a short paragraph is good enough imho if theyre writing essay length reading it seems false at times. like what are they trying to prove? even if they write essay length readings they act like theyve got the idols talking directly too them, i also go in phases of believing tarot and not believing it because i know bloggers know what make people click and ask them such questions about someoen famous that they dont really know. i dont hate them as people i just never really agree with their way of going about it or more often how they fail to take on critique in a mature way even tho they say its just for entertainment many seem to take it too seriously themselves. i find it a bit iffy, almost egoistical like they have some type of inside info that others dont have even if its not truly always accurate. idk does any of this make sense? many didnt want to take accountability for peoples obsession with jungkooks future spouse nor people putting said thoughts in peopoes heads about who she my or may not be or when or how they may meet again its like im torn between being a curious nosy lil bugger myself or not asking out of respect for the idol incase they do come across such readings. i think 18+ readings are definitely more fake tho.

Oh, he knows about tumblr lol Everyone has a right to question readings and I am open for people to question mine. No one should take readings as fact or claim they are, sometimes I don't believe what I get myself lol Because these messages aren't really coming from me and messages can be misconstrued. I just interpret the messages and move on. I never hold on to what I get or even think about it too much, mostly forget lol

[hobidreams]

‼️long yap incoming‼️

GODDDDD do not get me started on my thesis😭 not sure how it is for other unis, but my uni requires the cw thesis to have two parts: the critical essay and the creative work!! the crit essay is what i’m working on rn, and it has to be around 6-8k words, while the creative work has to be a MINIMUM of 25k words😭😭😭😭😭

i have so much pent up rage at how it’s structured bc like… the critical essay is supposed to be about the creative work, right… BUT we have to write it before the creative work even exists??? i am quite literally pulling shit out my ass😭

i’m working on a historical fiction novella, so i’m honestly not suffering that much because i like the research of it all, but GODDD this critical essay is gonna be the death of me!!!! it doesn’t help that my temp adviser rn isn’t a good fit for me, bc i’m just not a fan of how she’s asking us to work😭

also, part of the crit essay is our poetics, so i had half a mind to cite mlt as a creative influence on my work😭 alas i wasn’t sure if i could (and if you’d be okay with that) so i decided to talk about doctor who instead lol

and!! i’m actually like.. 90% sure that i don’t want to go into law, i cry super easily😭 i’m incredibly non-confrontational and i think i’d shit myself in class every day lmao, but when i was younger i considered it because i got baited by suits💀💀 how are you doing so far though!! also, how’s the wedding coming along (if u don’t mind sharing!!)?

lowkey miss the times where everyone was active on tumblr, myself included🥹

-🌿

GIIIIRL WHAT THAT IS SO LONG!!! undergrads here don't actually have to do a thesis when majoring in creative writing... only honours students. only masters students have to do a creative portfolio as the thesis but theres no critical essay i think.... so girl im so sorry you gotta deal with this T_T!!!

omg omg omg omg omg im sooo happy ur doing a historical novella??? you can use mlt as you please HAHA but i like doctor who too so that's an awesome choice!! i hope things are going well <3

FADSLKJADFS LMAO suits baited a whole generation of ppl tbh LOL so many ppl i know in law school are into it. yeah... if you're non-confrontational its probably not the best idea haha. but theres always the more paperwork focused lawyer positions loool. what are you thinking about doing after grad?

the wedding is mostly planned i just need to put final decor details on it and im procrastinating that so fucking hard 💀💀💀 i just am so tired of the whole thing and the pressure of making everything look pretty. but i'll dive back into it after exams cuz I GOT A JOBBBBB so i dont have to worry about my grades or school as much 🥰🥰

i miss those times too 😭😭 im actually going on a lil writers retreat next year with some writers that i met here on tumblr <3 so i still keep in contact with people but it's definitely not the same as it was when we were all super active :'(((

[darkmatilda]

Okay, firstly, I'm waiting so eagerly for the alternate version of with the light of I can't wait. Secondly, i thought you deserved a congratulations for the way you wrote the smut in that fic because, omg. I'm not a big smut reader mainly because there's always something that gives me the ick - I think it has a lot to do with the characterisation of spencer. I'll read pretty much anything, but if the personality of a character (this specifically applies to criminal minds because im watching it 24/7) is off, then I get really annoyed. Also, smut writers can't seem to stay away from all the most annoying clichés and it makes me inexplicably angry. All I'm really trying to say here is that you did a really good job considering I can't read 90% of smut.

I'd also like to say that I appreciated how long the fic was in general, the text messages between the reader and jude which could literally could have been stolen from me and my friends and the wah you wrote the dialogue which was probably my fave part.

Sorry for the essay. I'm a yapper at heart, and I read with the light off right before I was planning to delete this app, so you may have literally saved a life with that fic. (The life of my tumblr account, not my life, to be clear)

GIRL I L O V E YOU FOR ALL THE NICE WORDS IT MAKES ME SO MOTIVATED TO WRITE AND ALSO SO HAPPY THAT PEOPLE LIKE MY WORKS!!

oh god you have no idea how hard writing the smute scene was for me, i'm not native english speaker i have lack of vocabulary related with erotica (i just don't read much of it)

sex doesn't particularly excite me, and it's definitely not why I read fanfics. fun fact, I wrote two versions of this scene. the first one was a bit typical and cliché, and writing it honestly just embarrassed me. on top of that, my overly analytical brain kept throwing thoughts at me like 'at what point are they supposed to take off their socks?' the whole writing process exhausted me, and I didn't like the end result, so I deleted everything. then I wrote it again, but less descriptively, focusing on emotions and feelings, and that's the version you got to read. by the way, I'd really love to hear more from you about your icks in smuts, because I have a few myself ;>

staying in character is extremely difficult for me in erotic scenes, especially if it's a character from an existing canon and not my own. I think spencer is particularly challenging in this regard, so I'm really glad you liked it

i was laughing out loud while writing those text messages lol

the last paragraph just made me awww <3 bestie give tumblr one more chance please

[petefromarma]

sorry about my english and the fact i haven’t recited too well but the whole thing ur going on about has like unlocked this weird memory from from like ten years ago and im off work so this blog can get my strange story i just remembered hahaha

like 11/12 years ago i was very young and i wasn’t too involved in the fandom stuff but i had a blog and a twitter and would keep up with the stuff haha i do remember patrick would dm with fans a lot and stuff like and i remember seeing either teenagers talking about how they were suicidal and he’d practically talk them out of it, music stuff or like women around his age that he’d flirt with (maybe a bit older too? so i don’t think he’s a pedo or because he did have vulnerable access to thousands of kids and never really took advantage of that from what i know). people generally said he was just a nice guy though

anyways, thing i remember that i wonder if anyone else can remember is i remember this lady and they’d always meet up? like there’s like loads of photos of them and she’d always post on her tumblr about how she loved him and stuff about his penis and she’d post their dms sometimes and i remember one of them she was like texting him upside down and then the other one she was on a train and he was worried about her or something? i forget her name but there was like a few of them. they’d always be real flirty and stuff and i remember her posting in this group chat like pretending she was the fall out boy fan ceo like a whole message about how patrick was perfect and would never cheat on his girlfriend but there’s been rumors for years so this isn’t new at all. i wonder where that lady is now haha. i remember certain there was a lot of girls who were kind of like groupies soul punk era too but that was a bit before my time? and angie and stuff too but i never even looked into that she came a bit after the first lady

like i don’t think patrick evil (i hope not at least lol) or as bad as that poor woman’s making him to be but it’s a funny thing remembering he’s some horny man who just happens to be really sexy and talented musically especially up against the whole thing where people would kind of treat him like a baby too. like IT WAS WEIRD! funny though. and his wife (idk her name sorry) is genuinely stunning aswell that ungrateful bastard!

plus that thing about him writing fanfic someone said something about years ago it’s hilarious that’s still going around. I think back then people said it was about his ex girlfriend from when he first got big (whose name I also dunno. she was cute and there’s like a photo of him kissing her cheek and I think that’s her?). I don’t remember if that was actually a fanfiction or not so don’t take my word, 12 year old mes memory kind of just linked it all together and that’s how I remember it haha. idon’t really care i just have lots of weird old bandom information in my head that anyone in my life would think i was weird for knowing.

sorry for very big essay style ask i don’t really tumblr much unless to lurk haha

no you’re fine don’t worry and also your english is great! i appreciate the perspective; this is basically along the same lines of what i’ve heard from other fans i’ve talked to who were around during the early to mids 2010s

i think i might know who you’re talking about but i also might not because like you said there were like, a few of these women lol. one of my friends sent me kevin’s old twitter once which i was scrolling through out of curiosity and i ran into one of the more well known fans who was around and ‘close’ with patrick during sp/srar in his mentions and i was like, oh! okay! lol

also yes agree he is an ungrateful bastard. i suppose they could’ve had some kind of arrangement but unless confirmed otherwise i generally assume that is not the case in scenarios like these esp considering he was mostly finding hook ups thru twt which is like, absolutely deranged behavior. i also think he was so open with fans on twt as a whole was bc he was like, truly feeling himself for the first time in his life after he lost weight, his band was back together and successful, etc so the level at which he was interacting with fans in general was like, WAY too familiar. unless anyone else has a legitimate claim to this not being the case i do think the only nefarious stuff was the cheating, with like you said women his own age or who were older. i also don’t think he’s evil or anything yeah like he’s the definition of just some stupid guy

[considerablecolors]

Hey, I just wanted to say how much I love your SAF fanfics on Ao3. There's so many, and I'm still working my way through all of them, but I noticed in one, you talked about Curt being bipolar and mentioned that you could write a whole essay diagnosing these characters.

This was like 2 years ago, but I was just wondering if you ever got around to writing that essay, because I would very much like to read it.

hiya, tysm! im so glad ur liking the fics (and im so sorry there's so many lmao)

and WOW i... completely forgot about that LMAO. with how fast my brain goes when its in hyperfocus mode, i think half the time i just throw stuff out there and never come back to it 😭

so no, unfortunately it did not get written lol. BUTTT now that im thinking about it again i would probably be up to typing smth up (not necessarily a whole essay lol but maybe a big ol tumblr meta analysis post). esp as ive rewatched the show again and again, i get even more ideas about these characters in terms of pysch everytime- so yea, I'd prolly be down to try and write something up!

genuinely tysm for reaching out and reminding me of this, it had totally slipped my mind how into this idea i was lol, but i'll definitely try to write a bit of that !!

[sarioh]

Hello Tumblr user Rio Sarioh! If you're bored; do you have a favourite book you like to talk about? What is it about, why do you like it? Or perhaps a movie or show of which you enjoy the writing? A fairytale? A poem?

Wow, creative writing. Any thoughts on that? Pretty swell, in my opinion.

Hope you have a nice vague nine hour time window and that your thing arrives in good condition!

HEY tumblr user tt04sty hope u r doing well and thank you for the ask. also my Thing has indeed arrived in good condition so thank god i didnt have to wait all day for it. to be frank questions about my favorite media make me feel like a deer in headlights bc for whatever reason whenever i get asked this i somehow forget every piece of media i've ever consumed or that has had an impact on me in any way and i don't know why. safe answer though is probably everything everywhere all at once which i know might come as an absolute shock to everyone (<- wrote a 16k word fic inspired by it) but generally just any media that is very Wacky and Surreal visual-wise but with a central theme of love and connection gets me really bad because i am very predictable and also a little pathetic. also as a gay asian living in the west with a very stereotypical asian mother you can probably understand why the movie had such an impact on me LOL.

also creative writing... i've only done one work of creative writing in the past few years and that was wind back the clock which i think about genuinely all the time. writing Character Study is the most cathartic and fun experience in the world to me and i prolonged publishing that for SO long because i just wanted to keep working on it forever. my writer's problem is that it takes me about 60 years to come up with an idea that i am captivated enough by to be able to put it into writing and actually stick to it for more than a day and that has only happened one single time in my 2 years in mcytblr. but by god i would kill a whole man to be able to do that all over again because i am regrettably a stem major and have not written an essay or anything else creative in years and while im enjoying it i do feel like im missing out on a crucial part of being a Person. i miss writing so much you have no idea. and i feel like the further i go into this Degree the more my Meta Analysis brain starts to rot and get replaced by Numbers and Formulas and Snippets of code. i'm losing my touch forreal

as far as other media goes... to be perfectly honest i have not been consuming much lately just because i have been very busy irl but i did just finish reading the red rising trilogy for the first time which was cool... also have probably watched about 200 hours of animal documentaries over the past few months LOL. actually on the topic of books i am going on a flight soon and will have a 9 hour stopover so if anyone has any book recommendations of ANY genre i would love to hear them. please tell me all of your favorite books i want to read them all