#but im just having trouble having the energy to be here otherwise

[risingsouls]

[I hate to say it but, tbh, I have zero will to be on this blog anymore. I have one thread that I'm loving and can't wait to see where it goes because this partner was obviously super cool with and into my request to start over to try and revitalize my will to be here, but other than responding to that thread, I'm just struggling to feel any excitement to be here. Like there's a part of me that wants to do stuff and approach people to do stuff, but I just can't find the will to do it. And when I've convinced myself no one (besides one person) wants to do anything with me anyway, checking this blog just feels more like a chore outside of responded to said singular thread.

I don't know, fam. I'm just venting at this point. Getting it off my chest.]

[joelletwo]

WAIT i never complained abt my scheduling lol. still have not seen my actual boss more than that one five seconds and me and main coworker are supposed to work coverage out amongst ourselves bc thats more relevant fine and okay. but i ask her about what i should switch to going more part time and off of being Fulltime In Training and she says oh ill talk to [boss] about it. and then does and tells me oh [boss] wants to talk to u about that today or tomorrow.

she never does and shes never in her office so i dont hear anything by friday when i work w my second coworker. who i dont really think either of us vibes w the other lol weve been nice but im happy not to work w her. and the feeling is mutual bc she told me oh is this ur last friday i didnt think u were working [boss] told me u were going to be switching to mon-thru-thursday. OKAY? thats really funnily pointed but WHY DID SHE TELL U AND NOT MEEEEEEE. why cant i just know what im working more than two days in advance lolllllll. i am not made for this pwease.

[the-west-meadow]

hi! hope youre doing good! could I request Lukas Matsson x reader fic with the prompt “why are you awake right now”

im in love with your writing!

so thankful for the Lukas love. got carried away again, 18+ only!!

Lukas Matsson x (fem) Reader

prompt: Why are you awake right now? 18+ ONLY

In an unexpected twist, you spent your first night in Stockholm stranded at Lukas Matsson’s estate with the Roys. A torrent of icy rain had made travel to your hotel nearly impossible, so Lukas had diverted you to his house. He called it your welcome party to Sweden. 

At two in the morning, you were still wide awake. You could hear the sound of a TV from behind Roman’s door, Shiv on the phone with Tom, and total silence from Kendall’s room. As his assistant, you were basically always on call. At least for now, you were off the hook and free to roam.

The house was otherwise quiet, with the sound of icy rain pelting the roof. You wandered the dark halls barefoot. Of course the concrete floors were heated. Beyond dark kitchen, the light of a TV flickered from the another room. You peered inside then froze, looking in at Lukas himself, reclining on the sofa in only a white tank top and shorts. You started to turn and creep away, but it was too late.

“Is the TV too loud?”

You stepped into the room hesitantly, self-conscious in just a t-shirt and shorts. 

“No, it’s fine. I just got lost… on the way to the bathroom.”

“There’s one in your room.”

“Right.”

He gave you a curious glance.

“Why are you awake right now?”

“Jet lag. I never sleep anyway.”

Lukas nodded knowingly. 

“I’ve never met anyone I respect who sleeps well.”

He gestured towards the TV.

“Well, I’m watching Swedish dramas if that interests you.”

You padded into the room. There was no where to sit but on the sofa with Lukas. Tucking your legs beneath you, you took a seat at the far end. You blinked at the screen, where two Swedish detectives leaned over a body.

“I don’t speak Swedish,” you said.

“It’s okay. I’ll explain. By the way, have you tried any of our snacks yet?”

He held out a bag of gummies and you took one, examining it.

“What is it?”

“Bilar. It’s supposed to be shaped like a car.”

“It looks like a rabbit.”

"Yeah. Now that you mention it."

“What is that?” you asked, pointing at his soda bottle.

“Julmust. It’s soda we drink at Christmas.”

“It’s April.”

“I guess I don’t do things like normal people.”

“I could have told you that.”

He gave you another curious look, which turned into a grin.

“Sorry,” you said. “Jet lag. My filter is gone.”

“It’s okay. I've never had a filter. It gets me in trouble a lot.”

He gave you another glance.

“So can we agree to pass over all that small talk bullshit?”

“Fine with me. I don’t have the energy for it.”

“You can hit me if I say something shitty.”

“Sounds like you have something in mind.”

He sat up, putting aside the soda and candy. 

“I could have gotten you guys a ride to your hotel. But I wanted you to stay here.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I don’t know when we’ll have a chance like this again.”

His eyes passed over your bare legs. His arm was spread along the back of the sofa, lingering close to your shoulder. You felt the heat flush into your face. You had caught the looks he gave you at various events with the Roys, and yet this was the first time you had found yourself alone with him.

“Why didn’t you come to my room?”

“I wanted you to come to me.”

You stretched out your legs, grazing his lap.

"I've got all this energy I don't know what to do with," you said.

He slid one hand up your calf, creeping along your thigh. His eyes were fixed on you, watching your reaction.

"I think I can help with that," he said.

You took a sharp breath as his hand pivoted to the inside of your thigh. 

“I think the others are still awake,” you whispered. 

“Then you’ll have to be very quiet.”

He gently took hold of your ankle, pulling you towards him. You wrapped your legs around him, feeling him between your thighs, just the thin fabric of your shorts separating your skin from his. 

“Do you think you can be quiet?” he asked, eyeing your lips, your neck. 

“I’m usually not.”

He let out a low breath, brushing your hair out of your face. 

“I wish I could hear that,” he said. 

“What about you?” you asked, grinding into his lap. He tilted his head back, letting out a low moan. 

“Shh,” you said, then leaned over him, taking his head in your hands. As you kissed him, you felt him grind against you from below, growing harder. He grabbed your hair suddenly, pulling your head back.

“Whoever breaks first loses,” he said. You grinned into his lips.

“Deal.”

In one movement, he picked you up and lay you down on the sofa. He pulled off your shorts, tossing them on the ground, and nudged your legs open with his palm. He looked at you with a glimmer in his eye.

“I think I’m going to win,” he said. He stroked you between the legs with one long finger, gazing into your eyes. You threw your head back, biting your lip. 

“See?” he grinned. “You’re already so wet.”

“Fuck you,” you whispered. 

He slid the finger inside as you stifled a moan. Then with a wink he lowered his face between your legs. You felt his tongue hot and wet against you. 

“Oh my god,” you whimpered.

His other hand slid up your leg as his fingers moved slowly, rhythmically, in and out. You clenched your fists in his dirty blonde hair, meeting his blue eyes as he glanced up to see your reaction. All the while, the TV light flickered silently over your two bodies, pressed against each other on the sofa. 

“I’m still going to win,” you gasped. 

He lifted himself up, gazing down at you with his hair wild, breathless. He kicked off his shorts, buried his hand in your hair, and pulsed into you all at once.  

The moan that escaped you was beyond your control. You felt his entire weight on top of you, cradling you in his huge arms, as he teasingly put a hand over your mouth. 

“You lose,” he whispered. 

Not two minutes later, the door to Kendall’s room slid open. He peered out into the hall. Silence. Padding through the house, he made his way through the kitchen until he saw the TV flickering from the other room. 

He peeked inside. There you sat, side-by-side with Lukas, a blanket over your laps. Between you were several bags of snacks. 

“Hey guys,” he said uncertainly.

“What’s up, man?” 

“I thought I heard something.”

Lukas nodded at the TV. “Someone just got murdered. You want some snacks?”

It wasn’t hard to miss the fact that your hair and Lukas’s was a mess, several pillows had fallen to the floor, and your cheeks were flushed. You looked at him guiltily. Kendall caught your eye and gave a slight grin. 

“That’s okay. I’ll leave you guys to it.”

With a little wave, Kendall withdrew from the room, leaving you alone again.

“Poor guy,” Lukas said. “Guess he can’t sleep either.”

Then he tilted your face towards his and kissed you on the lips. His hand slid beneath the blanket.

“Now, where were we?”

[mariacallous]

As 400 million Europeans get set to elect 720 EU parliamentarians in June, polls are predicting big gains for right-wing populists. As a result, for the first time since the European Parliament was directly elected in 1979, it is expected to have a solid majority on the right. This will mark a “sharp right turn” for Europe, the European Council of Foreign Affairs (ECFR) recently noted. The consequences for European politics and policy are already coming into view.

The center-right European People’s Party (EPP) and the left-leaning Socialists and Democrats party (S&D) are again expected to finish in first and second place, although both may lose a handful of seats. The EU’s far-right groups, Identity and Democracy (ID) and the European Conservatives and Reformists (ECR), will improve their tally mainly at the expense of liberals and Greens. According to ECFR, populists are likely to be the top vote-getter in nine countries, including Austria, the Netherlands, France, Hungary, Poland, and Italy. In nine others, including Spain and Germany, they could emerge as strong second or third-place contenders.

ID—which includes the main anti-immigrant and Eurosceptic parties in Germany (Alternative for Deutschland or AfD), France (National Rally), and Italy (the League or Lega)—is likely to become the EU parliament’s third-largest group after elections are held between June 6 and 9. The ECR is led by Georgia Meloni, Italy’s prime minister and leader of the post-fascist Brothers of Italy party, and is home to Sweden’s Sweden Democrats and Poland’s Law and Justice party (PiS). If authoritarian Hungarian leader Viktor Orban’s Fidesz party, a member of the EPP until a few years ago, joins the ECR as expected, the far-right could claim a quarter of the total seats.

Political machinations already seem to be underway among some establishment parties to create cooperation with this newly powerful bloc. Experts say if the EPP, the strongest conservative party in the EU, welcomes far-right politicians in its fold or co-opts their policies, as it has lately been accused of, the balance of power in Europe will decisively shift to the right and have major implications for not just the EU’s common agenda but may also influence how member states decide critical policies.

“I think in our campaign we will ask the EPP to be pragmatic, to pick the alternative to a center-left majority,” Marco Campomenosi, a Lega politician and the head of the Italian delegation in ID, told Foreign Policy.

Experts say any such shift will have major implications for the EU as a whole, tainting its recent promises to pursue a humane migration policy and to establish rule of law at home that encourages democratic checks and balances. An empowered far-right may also keep coordination on a common defense policy to the bare minimum in the face of a looming threat from Russian President Vladimir Putin.

The EU’s flagship Green Deal climate framework, which has set a goal of net-zero carbon emissions by 2050, is also at stake, as the populists try to push the EU to erode its commitment to renewable energy development and other climate policies.

Charlie Weimers, a member of the far-right Sweden Democrats that supports Sweden’s minority center-right government, said, his party’s priority is to push for a “Migration Pact 2.0,” with more stringent measures to stop the influx of immigrants than already listed in the new migration pact. “We need to stop asylum,” he told FP over the phone. “We need breathing space to deal with the immigrants already here otherwise we can never catch up.”

Lega’s Campomenosi said, “it’s not about the money” but about the “trouble” immigrants make. (Under the new migration pact an EU member state which refuses to accept an asylum seeker should pay a sum of 20,000 euros to an EU fund.) “If there are too many immigrants they can’t be integrated,” he added.

Three far-right parliamentarians told FP that with bigger numbers in Parliament they will be able to apply more pressure on the EU commissioner to throw out or dilute the green deal.

It “needs to go away,” Joachim Kuhs, the acting head of the AfD delegation in EU which is polling as the second strongest party in Germany, told FP in his office in the parliament. “It should be repealed and replaced,” Weimers added.

The liberal groups say the center-right has strengthened the far-right by co-opting its policies and forming alliances in individual member states.

Pedro Marques, a vice president of the S&D group, said the EPP parties have been “eroding the Cordon Sanitaire,” erected to keep the far-right out of governments and important positions. “The EPP is dancing with the far right,” he added, with grave consequences for the future of the union.

The cordon sanitaire is crumbling in many European nations. In Italy, the far-right is in power, in Sweden the center-right government is backed by the far-right. In Austria, center-right and far-right have been in a coalition, and the latter is polling ahead of all others in the run up to national elections. In France, Marine Le Pen is leading the polls, and in Germany, the conservatives have hinted at future cooperation at a regional level with the far-right AfD.

The legitimization of the far-right isn’t limited to member states. Ursula Von Der Leyen, a member of the EPP and EU commissioner, has alluded to Meloni’s inclusion in her grouping. She said it wasn’t clear which parties will remain in the ECR after the elections and which will leave, and “join EPP.”

Hans Kundnani, writer of a book called Eurowhiteness, said the boundaries between the ID, ECR and the EPP have always been “very fluid.”

“As soon as Meloni indicated she won’t be disruptive in the Eurozone, that she won’t be pro-Russian, centrist pro-European EPP said that’s great, we don’t mind,” Kundnani said. “The center right has no problem with far-right at all, they just have a problem with those who are Eurosceptic.”

Experts say Von Der Leyen has often backed off on key policies to appease the far-right. Just over the last few months as the farmers protested against the provisions of the green deal, the far-right found another issue to mobilize against mainstream parties. During election season, Von Der Leyen quickly conceded and granted several concessions to the agriculture sector that will affect the 2050 net zero target.

The best example of how the EU commissioner validated the far-right’s worldview, Kundnani argued, was when she created a post for an EU commissioner to promote a European way of life.

“The big theme of the European far-right is that the immigrants threaten European civilization,” he said. When Von Der Leyen created the position, she framed “immigration as a threat to the European way of life,” and in doing so legitimized the far-right.

It is unclear if co-opting the far-right’s talking points benefits the center right in keeping their traditional voters from moving towards populists, but there is an emerging consensus that it strengthens the radical right in the longer run. For its part, the far-right has moderated its own positions on many issues to appeal to the voters more to the center. The far-right parties say they are no longer calling for an exit from the EU, but merely to reform it from within. They say they back Ukraine and not Putin.

Many parties on the far-right advocate return of border controls in violation of the EU’s founding principle of free movement of people and goods. Last year, the AfD described the EU as a “failed project,’’ while Sweden Democrats said they had “good reasons to seriously reevaluate our membership in the union.” There is still a lingering suspicion that the rank-and-file members of the far-right parties harbor sympathy for Putin. Last month, Lega’s leader Matteo Salvini deflected when asked if he blamed Putin for Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny’s sudden death.

The parliamentarians of the ID and ECR with whom FP spoke expressly rejected Von Der Leyen’s proposal to appoint a dedicated defense commissioner to improve coordination among member states on matters of defense.

“We say that we want to manage immigration in a humane way, we can do better to manage the borders,” added Marques of the S&D. In response to the far-right’s demand to externalize the screening of asylum seekers, he said it was difficult to find credible partners. “We did this agreement with the Tunisian authorities, but when we tried to go there to check the conditions, to see how European money will be spent, they said we don’t want your agreement anymore. These have to be credible partnerships.”

The center-left S&D party simply dismisses the moderated stances of far-right parties as a charade. They believe the far-right simply wants the benefits of being in the union, not the costs that sometimes come with upholding its values. “They want an EU without the rule of law, without humanity,” Marques said. “That’s not what we built after the Second World War. They want to change the EU into something that it isn’t. Their values are not European.”

[xephia]

Hi, i hope this question doesn't bothers you, do you have any videos of your process?, im currently starting to learn how to do digital art and have trouble knowing where to start and what to do (im always like, should i start drawing this part first?, is it better to do clean lineart or just paint over the sketch?, do i work on the lights first or the shadows?, etc)

I can probs make you a video on this at some point based on something I'm currently working on, although I have a few on my tiktok already (@ xephia) if that helps!

My process is a bit messier than many other artists - I alternate between stages of sketch and colour before I even think about ‘final colour’. I’ll start with a sketch like the ones below, then slap some rough colour on. This is because IMO colour is an important part of the composition so I want to see what works before I line. They’re not meant to be pretty or social media ready. This stage can look super messy or tidy depending on how I feel or how complicated it is. And they can look wildly different; here’s some examples:

That stage also helps me decide if I want to finish the piece or if I should abandon it (I abandon a lot). Sometimes this stage takes 15min, sometimes 2 hours, it really depends on the piece. But for me personally, it’s crucial because otherwise I find it very hard to envision how it will look later, or forget what I was planning.

Then, I do at least one more layer of ‘sketch line art’, which is basically a first layer of line art to see what works and what needs changing. I colour the important bits relatively cleanly (usually character/s) and add might some subtle shadows/gradients and/or lighting to get a feel of what it will look like finished. Sometimes I repeat this process a couple of times if I’m not happy with how the first iteration looked. This stage usually looks a little like this character sheet I’m working on, and this slice from a Kiki delivery service sketch:

It’s usually not until I’ve done all that, that I go over and do the final lineart, making it thicker, colouring the lines, redoing the flat colours, tidying it up, and adjusting where needed. Essentially I don’t start ‘finishing’ a piece until I’m happy with where everything sits and what colours I’ve picked. It’s only at this point I feel like the sketch is ready to line, and lining and final colouring can actually take less time for me than all those layers of planning somehow haha.

At this point I keep tidying, cleaning, lining, colouring, until the piece feels complete. Sometimes complete for one piece is tidier than complete for another, it really depends.

I’ll also use Procreate’s push tool to adjust things as I go in all steps - it saves a lot of time and isn’t cheating.

Although as you can probably tell from my examples, I do change this procress up a lot depending on the piece! Sometimes I’ll even paint over parts of my final piece like I did in this magical girl street. I think find whatever works for you, everyone will work differently and things like mood, energy levels, how patient you feel, how stressed you are, if you have any hand pain or shaking, and how much free time you have that day to draw can all affect your process day to day, week to week.

Some days it will be easier and more comfortable to sketch messily, other days tidier. Some days you will draw well, other days not well at all. At least for me, I find consistency almost impossible.

So I think there's no right or wrong order to do things and it's great to switch it up and keep things interesting for yourself, and different processes work for different people. Hope this helps!

[erzsebetrosztoczy]

saw your requests are open. If its not ignore this .

can u do AC Valhalla hytham x reader ? Maybe reader is evior sibling? And hytham is falling for them but is shy to confess . They fall in love and basim is like :

Amongst hidden ruins

I am so sorry for the long wait I was havig life and death situation with uni I didn't consider that would be there but I hope I can make it up to you by offering a 3 part slow burn?? Ya girl is trying I promise🙈🙉🙊

Pairing: Hytham x reader

Genre: fluff, awkward fluff, idiots in love

Warnings: none, except if you count me not knowing what im doing???

Note: Shy Hytham is canon to me, let he be nervous and giddy with his crush🤌❤️. Also, Basim with his wolf dad energy 100% supports his adopted son like "i teach you how to be an assassin, now i teach you how to rizz, boy" and Eivor finally can live through what Sigurd needed to, aka being the older sibling and they will quickly find out why Siggy has eyebags lmfaoo

Here's part 2

Being related to the leaders of the Raven Clan was not easy. Especially when it came to two battle-hardened brothers. From the dawn of your life, you had to have someone by your side to keep you from being "hurt." First came the cautionary orders of your father Styrbjörn, which you cannot remember unless it is from Tekla's evening stories. Taking in and raising a newborn baby with two troublemaker squirrels aged a lot on your fathers, even during the early winters of your lives. Then, as you were growing, Prince Sigurd's sense of duty began to surface, and who else could he begin directing, rebuking, and protecting than his youngest sibling. Most of your childhood thus consisted of tramping in your eldest brother's heels, holding his hand, and obeying when he forbade you something. And just when you thought your troubled years would cease to exist as you grew up, Eivor's pestration began.

"I'm just saying it doesn't hurt to call Randvi next time. More eyes see more, more blades cut more." Eivor continued as he dodged those who came across him, trying to catch up with you, who was trying to get rid of his brother with wide steps. You rolled your eyes grumbling as you picked up a bucket from the riverbank, heading towards the stables.

"Eivor, last time, I just went riding for an hour. To the neighboring fields. If you climbed up the top of the Longhouse you would have seen it!" You patted it over your shoulder as you trampled up the path of the settlement.

"Yes, but Tove reported that Saxon bandits are passing nearby lately and-" "Eivor, I don't need a nanny! I can defend myself. I might as well show you how good I am." You raised your voice a little harder than you wanted as you spun back, defiantly shouting into his face. Eivor backed up with wide open eyes, raising his arms to the surrender. 

"Hey, hey, you have no reason to yell at your brother, little one. I just want the best for you." Eivor's voice sounded suspiciously metallic, sarcastic. You knew he was almost certainly  taking your words half-heartedly.

"And if you want any good for yourself, you'd better shut your mouth before I stuff it with Gunnar's footcloth!" Your fingers and fists almost turned white from the effort you used to hold the bucket close to your chest – you had to concentrate very hard not to hit your brother's head with it.

"You talk like you have a chance to beat me." Eivor chuckled to himself in a pitiful grin.

"Listen here, you smartass, Sigurd entrusted you with the leadership of the Clan, not that some blister-headed—"

"I think it will be enough of spreading curses for today. Otherwise, Valka won't be able to make enough talismans for all of us if you keep going like this." In your big arguments, you didn't even notice that Randvi walked next to you. She looked at the two of you with a raised eyebrow. "Maybe a retreat would be good.”

"But Randvi, don't you hear that Eivor runs to me at the slightest crack of a stick to see if I'm still alive? Can't you see that even though I've had the same training as him in our childhood, he acts like I'm a defenseless baby? " You turned to Randvi in desperation, not even paying attention to the water, whether it would stay in your bucket or not.

Your sister in law looked back at you with a pursed mouth. Please, be the more mature one. Reflected in her gaze.

Why do you always have to take the shortcut, for the sake of peace?

You nodded with an annoyed sigh.

"Alright." You grunted in agreement turning back to Eivor, but your flaming stare could have almost scorched him. "Next time I'll tell someone to come with me when I leave home. Okay?"

Eivor's face softened, his eyes sparkling with joy as he grinned in satisfaction.

"Perfect, little sister." He almost sang it as he straightened his back and walked off as if he had done his job well.

"I'll drown him in Tekla's beer one day, you'll see." You fumed at Randvi as you watched with narrowed eyes your brother’s leave.

Randvi laughed hearing this, and patted your shoulder. "Don't be so angry with him, he really only wants good for you." She said apologetically, voice full with kindness.

"His desire for good crushes me. He suffocates me with his fear. No one could live that way." You answered defiantly, speaking from your heart. When will the moment finally come when you can live your life for yourself and no one else?

You sighed dejectedly, then lifted the wooden bucket to your side again. "..I'd better reload this." You muttered, then waved goodbye to Randvi and turned back towards the water.

It seemed to be a long day ahead of you. 

That night you felt like all the joy had been drained from you. Despite the feast, time passed grimly. Despite the music, singing and celebration, you couldn't cheer up - the meat felt tasteless in your mouth.

Since what happened in the morning, you didn't even want to see your brother, specifically for that reason you went to the other side of the longhouse, where you won't even accidentally come under Eivor's watchful eye.

You wondered what you should do to make your brother's overbearing subside.

"Is this seat up to take?" A question came to you behind your back. At first it crossed your mind that it could just be Eivor, that he can't even leave you alone while eating, but then you realized that the voice asking the question sounded much softer than your brother's thunderous one. 

You turned around and found yourself facing Hytham's slender figure. ​He wore his usual white caftan, but now the hood did not cover his lush brown curls. In the darkness, the light of the fire showed a deep brown iris of warm honey, his skin golden from the dancing embers.

It was as if the summer night itself was standing before you.

"For you I am gladly saying yes." You smiled with relief, motioning for him to take the seat beside you.

With a chuckle Hytham took a seat beside you and as he was settling, his shoulder and elbow rubbed against yours.

"Oh, sorry!" He gasped in fright, immediately pulling away from you, offering a decent distance.

"Ah, don't even  worry about it." You waved it away, turning to him. "And what's new in the office? Have you found anything recently with… Eivor, that would advance your research?" You asked, leaning on your elbows.

Hytham shone a timid smile towards you, shaking his head.

"I'm afraid I can't give you exciting news, there haven't been any new leads for weeks. Eivor has been too busy lately, taking care of the clan's affairs with the surrounding allies, to be thinking about that right now."

Pursing your lips, you pondered; your attention falling on the beer mug in your hand, you didn't even have time to notice the warm, longing look with which Hytham stole a glance at you. 

You couldn't notice it - but Basim did; from across, beside the fire. 

"And if I helped instead of Eivor? Trust me, I'm just as good at tracking as he is!" It came out of your mouth suddenly. The thought that you could finally break away from the prohibitions of your brother, from the small life of the settlement, had an invigorating effect on your soul.

"Uh…well…I don't know." Hytham was suddenly speechless, fidgeting shyly, glancing around the hall. "I don't think your brother would be happy if I took you."

"Eivor would only be happy if I was sitting on the shelf in his room until Ragnarök." You rolled your eyes, poking at your brother in annoyance. "Please Hytham! I promise I'll be of use to you!" Leaning closer to him, you betted your eyelashes so sweetly, gazing up at him in the hope that his heart softens for your request. 

But Hytham's heart no longer needed cunning tricks to seduce him.

An indescribable force has drawn him to you since his arrival in the North. The man stood mesmerized by your beauty and as the months went by, as he got to know your pure soul, bright mind, and sharp tongue more and more, he grew a great passion for your person.

Young fierce love or it was a heart-wrenching, bittersweet yearning;  he didn't know yet – Hytham was only certain of this: that your nearness filled him with hope and happiness.

And that was enough for him.

"I— I can  Basim when he might not need my help, and if he releases me, we can go…if you really want to, of course." He agreed with a warm smile on his face.

Sheepishness filled you under his penetrating gaze –  your heart pounded, and slowly the heat of the fire seemed cold compared to the warmth of your skin, as you could only look at your mug while blushing.

When did the young man from the far east start to interest you? When did you notice his charming smile and delightful gaze? How many times have you melted by his eloquence, gentle speech, patience or care? Why did you feel you could never tell Hytham this, because of Eivor? That your brother would definitely stand in your way, even if only for a spark of happiness.

Perhaps better at rest; to live unchanged; as in shame and regret.

"So be it, Hytham." You agreed, now in a much more subdued tone. "If you have come to an agreement with Basim, please tell me immediately!" You promised him as he bowed in agreement.

Maybe you were given a chance for a way out after all. Maybe you'll finally manage to break free from your brother's wings. Maybe if you start on this unknown path, you can find yourself in someone else's arms.

[bunnygirlaltar]

lilith conjunct venus in the 1st house, opposite pluto

having lilith in my first house has made me crave insight into her energy and influence over a chart, especially with the aspects she makes in mine. most of the time though the descriptions i can find about these placements dont actually resonate super well? i can tell the people writing them understand lilith and maybe their descriptions make sense in theory, but i want to do my part by sharing how i think she affects my chart from my own point of view. she does trine my midheaven after all <3

lilith in the first house (gemini)

i have felt misunderstood my entire life, its just become the nature of existing as myself, i probably feel misunderstood at least a little bit all the time. growing up i was the youngest and very close to my older sister who i would follow around and imitate a lot. we have a great relationship but as i started to develop my own sense of self early on i wanted to make it clear i was my own person as much as i could. throughout highschool too i remember always struggling socially because i never thought people saw me in the way i wanted to be seen. usually i felt perceived as darker, almost meaner than i was. i actually became pretty fixated at one point on consciously trying to brand myself as a nice person, because i didnt understand why so many people seemed to have no interest in me.

theres a paradox to lilith though, where while i felt this misunderstood all the time and i would on one hand hate it, on the other hand i almost needed it and craved it too. so its like in response to being misunderstood, i would further go out of my way to be more mysterious or exactly what people saw me as. i love to have secrets, i genuinely feel off-balance and uncomfortably vulnerable if i feel like ive been very open and have no more mystery to me. i love to not explain myself. my adolescence was filled with me making random almost impulsive changes to my appearance and enjoying how it made people confused, especially when it went against conventional beauty or femininity. id shave my head, randomly switch my whole wardrobe, get tattoos and accessories that stuck out and never answer anyone who asked about them. i love to show off my style while also telling everyone its none of their business. ive almost come to anticipate and expect being misunderstood, so i start to lean into it. it can lead to some of my best confidence moments, but it can also be so isolating and sad. most of the fights ive had in friendships or family is about me feeling like the other person fundamentally doesnt understand something about me that i find really important, and it hurts. im also the type of person where the people who have known me the longest or the best often still have trouble describing me when asked or predicting how ill act in situations. again, most of the time i delight in this, but when it leads to conflicts it can feel devastating, like nobody in the world understands me or tries to. the best connections i have are when people arent afraid to try to get to know me more even when i bristle up at them about it, and when they hold me in high regard or a positive light even when it would be easy not to.

also to clarify, im not like an actual demon person, i like to think i am a very good and nice person. lilith just makes it get distorted, shes not like a little demon in my head telling me to do shitty things, if anything shes a little demon in other peoples heads when they look at me, telling them that something neutral about me is actually dark.

lilith conjunct venus (in the 1h, gemini)

everything i said about feeling chronically misunderstood about the first house, here it goes double for romance or sexuality. i by default assume that most people, especially men, are viewing me in a negative light until proven otherwise. again that paradox, where im not sure if it started because it was true and i came to expect it, or i was worried about it and it became a self-fulfilled prophecy, all i know is that while im not right all the time, im right often enough for it to be hard for me to shed this assumption.

i wanted to talk about this aspect specifically because its been hardest for me to understand this one myself with what i could find reading about it. because venus in the first house is often described as someone being very alluring and likable, perceived in a positive way, all the blessings you can imagine venus in the first house would give someone. but with lilith in the first house people say almost the opposite things. so what about their conjunction?

for me i think lilith there doesnt cancel out or steal the spotlight from venus, its more like they team up. my distaste for romantic relationships almost counterintuitively plays a big part in my general personality, almost like im daring people to challenge it. being the perpetually single friend and having this attitude of being almost above romance is a pretty prominent part of how im perceived honestly. as ive matured and thanks to other placements i dont think im better than people who engage in dating or anything like a total cynic, but especially growing up with my closest friends being in pretty toxic relationships, my bitterness toward it just became a part of me. i always seem to be a little more angry, a little more hurt by the shitty things people do to their partners. lilith and venus together makes me feel very protective of women and femininity or at least very reactive to the concept of gender overall and to women being subordinate. im the definition of 'supporting womens rights and wrongs' meanwhile with men i have so much less sympathy and can see their negative intentions immediately when others dont. again, im not saying im always right (i would love to not be right), but im right often enough that its hard to unlearn this.

i also think this plays a role in how other women see me and interact with me. i think women with a strong and stable venus energy to them, strong positive placements and aspects, strong in their sense of self generally, tend to react better to this part of me. they dont blame me for my snap judgments even if they disagree or dont share them. they value them, often say they value my insights on people because im 'always right' or something to that extent, like they can trust me to always be in solidarity with them. women with more turbulent venus energies mirror my own instability. like i said, the paradox, my venus and lilith both dont want any attention from men while also being bitter that i never get it. i think this aspect of me comes out more around these women, and i bring it out in them too. usually we can agree on shit-talking and feminist ideas, but at the same time they will go and not walk the walk, usually theyre struggling in toxic relationships with men or how they view their own femininity, while i go and judge her for her inconsistency from the sidelines if i dont catch myself. it brings out ugly sides in both of us, and this has been a big focus in shadow work for me. lilith and venus can have you so protective and defensive of women that you almost circle back to disrespecting them, usually from putting them on a pedestal and getting unfairly upset when they dont live up to it. i think this is part of an inherent and inescapable shame that lilith carries with her, that i can be as confident as i want being so dark and counter-culture and alternative, but that can only exist by validating the very power structures i claim to hate, the real wound being that i feel rejected.

lilith and venus together makes it so that so much of my sense of femininity is inseparable from power dynamics and oppression. i have to work hard to make sure i dont define femininity or womanhood by suffering, or impose some divine gender-essentialist type of mindset that leads to terfs. fuck terfs by the way. my relationship with gender in general is shaped by this, im a huge defender of people when it comes to gender identity and expression because i understand so deeply that no one should have control over what you do with yourself, your body, your self expression. i love radical people in fashion, i love cringey people, i love niche alternative subcultures, i love when people are provocative and assertive in their personhood. lilith conj venus brings me a lot of difficulty but i am deeply grateful for the way they make be see beauty in absolutely everything and everyone, this is a core part of me, a value i hold very dear and practice as much as i preach.

lilith and venus oppose pluto (1h-7h, gem-sag)

i saved talking about my actual own love life and relationships for here. also because, theres not much to say, which is exactly the point! ive only ever dated someone for two months in highschool, and we broke up essentially because of everything ive been describing, i felt like their feelings for me were for a version of me that wasnt accurate, and feeling like that made it impossible for me to keep my feelings for them. other than that, i have been perpetually single and can count 'crush' experiences on one hand.

but heres the paradox, i am so deeply transfixed with sex and romance, its not that theres a lack of interest. its that my feeling of being misunderstood prevents me from wanting to do anything with anyone. i have high standards and like i mentioned, i tend to assume the worst in people especially if im seeing them as someone pursuing me. its hard for me to distinguish between someone liking me or being attracted to me and them disrespecting and objectifying me, they often feel like the same thing. again, is it me projecting, or am i just overly sensitive and reactive to a truth there? im not entirely sure.

the times ive had feelings for someone, usually i see a similar lilith presentation in them i can relate to. i tend to have crushes on problematic women (someone my friends dont like, someone whos not generally well-liked, someone who doesnt have a great romantic track record, or shes just straight lol). i get attracted to women who seem to be misunderstood and demonized often, as if i want to prove to them that i can understand them in ways other people dont, and i hope that they can do the same for me.

with venus, i like to flirt, i like to come off as almost sweet and mild actually. probably because of gemini, i like to be seen as easy-going and conversational and fun, non-judgmental, a good listener, witty. but with lilith there, theres always a sense of mystery around it. im a nice person, approachable, but you dont actually know much about me. im a good listener, but i dont talk about myself. i have a psychic awareness to me, being witchy and spiritual tends to be pretty present in how people see me and i think it adds to a layer of obscurity to my energy. and i love it. venus conj lilith, gemini, clearly i love to be confusing, i love to be a contradiction, i love to make people think. the vast majority of the time, i just live like this for fun and my own enjoyment. but when ive liked people, its been because they were extra receptive to my lilith energy.

pluto opposing lilith makes her very sensitive to being clocked by similar plutonian people, like recognizing like. i like when people engage with the light-hearted part of me, but then indicate somehow that they know theres more beneath the surface of me. i like when they admit that they dont understand something about me, i like when they ask about it, i like when theyre both interested in the venus and the lilith in me.

venus opp pluto is notoriously not a great aspect for love and relationships, and mine doubles down by being in my 1st and 7th house. my most intense relationships feel psychological more than anything. im attracted to people i can psychoanalyze and who will psychoanalyze me. i like when they say something personal and a little controversial but honest. so it makes sense how this can be a difficult aspect. you tend to attract and be attracted to problems and concepts more than people. pluto makes me want to dissect their entire psyche and examine all of their past like theyre a lab rat. theres a feeling that with all the darkness in you, you can only be with someone who can relate and understand the darkness, or at the very least isnt scared of it in you. but its a gamble, plutonian energy takes a lot of work to balance out! i dont think its impossible for there to be strong plutonian energy in a healthy relationship, but quite frankly more often than not people havent done a lot of work on that side of themselves and it does lead to unhealthy situations.

theres also a lot of moving in shadows in my love life, theres rarely been clear cut communication or a feeling like we really understood what the other was thinking. thats what makes it not last but thats also what makes it so tempting to keep trying over and over. the thought of finally accomplishing being understood is too tempting and no one is more willing to keep trying at it than another person with lilith/pluto energy. i also like relationships that are private, similar to how i enjoy myself to be perceived as a little bit mysterious, i want a relationship that is that too. the problem is i long for all these traits in a healthy relationship, but in reality these are also pretty common in unhealthy relationships. its a challenge to be in a relationship that honors or fulfills the strong lilith energy i have while not feeding into it in a toxic way.

i compare it to (this rendition of) persephone and hades. persephone who had this beauty and grace to her, but also had this darkness that was equally part of her. and hades sees it and invites her to take the throne she deserves, but to everyone else, this is corrupting her, they want her to stay the easy-to-understand and beautiful spring maiden she is, and hades is ruining that. but persephone doesnt feel that way, she feels like he finally sees something in her that is integral to who she is that no one else seems to see, or they do see and want her to suppress it. they rule the underworld together, and the nature of their relationship is shrouded in mystery and darkness. everyone argues and debates about persephone and how much agency she had or what she felt, but only she knows the truth, and she has no interest in clearing things up. she lets it be mysterious, because she doesnt think its any of our business, and she doesnt feel the need to prove anything, shes a queen! this is sort of the ideal of a relationship for me. like recognizing like, and getting together to unlock our full potentials together even if other people dont understand it. persephone being able to go between life and death, earth and the underworld, being so misunderstood and secretive, that transformative and fluid nature, of course my venus conj lilith in gemini opposing pluto loves it i mean come on!

[adaptacy]

Survivor!Leland Headcanons

AKA: Post-TCSM Leland

Cw: Angst, wound scars, injuries, trauma, death, self-damaging behaviors, mention of s/h & sewer slidal thoughts

the brainrot is real and im sorry lee but you are my angst voodoo doll, luv ya bb :(

Important Notes:

I h/c that only he and Connie survived because they're the ones who escape in most of my games, but honestly most of these can go along with whoever you h/c survived- unless you h/c that Leland died... uhm... but then idk why you're here so.. gonna pretend that's not a thing

Also h/c that him and Sonny were definitely dating... you can't convince me otherwise. the whole relationship with Ana was totes a cover up cause it was the 70s but he was still close with all of them, ofc.

~ ~ ~

Dizziness/nausea:

Leland was strung up by his ankles for ~2 days in that basement. He still has bouts of dizziness for years after, and he can't go on rides that go upside down because a) trauma and b) he gets really really sick and really dizzy easily. He also has motion sickness as a result of this.

He has trouble smelling things sometimes- like, most of the time, it's fine, but if its something a little faint, he can't smell it. He was surrounded by such a thick stench of rotting meat and death for a while, and it ruined his sense of smell. He also gets nauseous easily when there is a very strong smell, especially if its something like roadkill or even just the smell of meat, like if someone is cooking and the smell is too strong.

Diet:

He was a vegan for like 4-6 months after the incident because he could not eat meat without thinking about the family, what happened to his friends-- what they became. It made him horribly sick, and he refused to eat meat ever again, but it didn't last.

See, even though he was taking iron supplements to make up for the lack of meat, he was having more trouble exercising. and he was exercising a lot. He didn't ever wanna be weak again. He didn't ever want to be unable to defend his friends, to save them, to fight back. So he worked, and worked, and worked. Punching bags were his go-to. Leland is not an angry or violent person, but he wanted to hone his technique just in case. He couldn't risk letting anyone of his friends/family be in danger again.

However, due to his vegan diet, he didn't have the energy required for how much he was straining himself. And he'd get sick because he wasn't eating filling enough meals for all the calories he was burning.

Eventually, choosing that his strength was more important, he started eating meat again, but it took a long time before he was able to eat it without reminders bubbling up. Like... a year and a half. And even then, it happens sometimes. When he bites into something that isn't cooked all the way through- he can't eat boiled chicken, or meat stews because the meat is too soft. Before the incident, he loved medium rare steak, but now he has to eat it well-done because seeing the pink, or worse, seeing the red juice leak out whenever he bites into it immediately sends him back to watching as the family ate human meat.

Physical Scars:

He has scars from the wounds he suffered. Two long ones on his back, from where Johnny sliced him, as well as a smaller one on his right chest from sissy, who also gave him one above his right eyebrow, and one on his left hip from Nubbins. And while he also had other smaller cuts and wounds, those were the ones that were large enough to actually leave scars.

However, he's dumb and will not let them heal. His doctors warn him that he needs to take it easy so his body can repair the damage, but he can't risk letting his strength suffer. So, he works out, far too hard, and every time that his scars get anywhere in the healing process, he'll end up accidentally tearing them open again when he punches too hard, or stretches too far, etc. In the first two months, there were a few occasions where he'd be at the gym, working out as per usual, and he'd feel the wounds rip a little, and then someone else would come up to him to let him know that he's bleeding. For a while, he had to pack extra shirts to change into because his blood would soak through his shirt and he'd need to change it.

Fortunately, after enough time, they stopped bleeding when he irritated them. But constantly opening them back up led to them being a bit larger than they would've been, and far more coarse. As well as sensitive- and not in a good way. It genuinely hurts if too much pressure is applied, plus feeling the pain in that exact area puts him right back in the emotional state he was in when they were dealt.

Sometimes, if he's in a really bad depressive episode, he'll push on his scars and irritate them just to be reminded of everything he went through. To remind himself that it was real. Sometimes to remind himself he'll never be the same. That he'll never be anything more than a survivor, than a victim.

Mental Scars:

Surprisingly, he doesn't develop anger issues. He develops a lot of other problems, and he'll have 'fits', but he doesn't get angry, or violent. He'll kind of just shut down, but its easy to see the way he goes from super friendly and grinning to leaning back in his chair, his eyes somewhat dark, staring off into the distance. It's easy to bring him back by just saying him name, or tapping him on the shoulder, but it does happen.

He's put on a lot of medications, mostly for his injuries, but the only ones that stick past the first year are anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and meds to help him sleep. He also meets with a therapist- he's cycled through a few of them, and he started out meeting with them twice a week, but after 3-ish years, he only meets with them once a month. Not because he doesn't need the help- but because he doesn't like revisiting the topic so often, he's trying his best to move on with his life.

He has really bad nightmares, as is to be expected. He'll wake up in cold sweats, and thoroughly believe the sweat is blood, that he's back in the basement, covered in a mix of his own blood and the blood of his friends, and he'll rush into the bathroom, taking off his shirt to check his scars, but they're still just scars. He has to check every single one of them to make sure they're not bleeding, even when they haven't bled in years.

The survivor's guilt is real with this one. He'll see something that reminds him of one of them, and for a while, he'd even go to call them whenever something happened, his hand barely even touching the mounted phone before he remembers. Remembers that they're gone. That they're not coming back. And he wishes it were him. He wishes he'd died instead of them, even if it just brought one of them back.

When he was still trying out different medications, he suffered from a lot of suicidal ideations. He's normally a really cheery guy, and he felt like it was wrong to feel bad- he felt like he wasn't being the person he was supposed to be when he was sad. And that made him feel like a failure. And he didn't want to keep letting people down. Fortunately, he never tried anything, but it happened sometimes when he really missed them, too. He just wanted to see his friends again. Wanted to be with them again. But he'd gently remind himself he survived for a reason, even if he didn't know what that reason was all the time. Sometimes he lived because he needed to carry on their memory. Sometimes he lived because he needed to protect others like them. Sometimes he lived because he knew they would want him to. No matter what the reason, he survived. And he knew he needed to keep surviving.

Hobbies:

He spends a lot of time volunteering at an animal shelter. He doesn't really talk about it to anyone, it's just something he does. He originally started it because his first therapist recommended that he find a hobby that gives back to the community so he can feel like he's doing good, and volunteering at an animal shelter was one of his options. He figured he liked dogs, so he agreed to volunteer for a month just so his therapist would shut up about it.

Well, even after he stopped going to that therapist, and cycled through three others, he still volunteers there. He originally only wanted to work with the dogs- maybe take them out on walks, help feed them, etc. But he really enjoys playing with the cats, too. He finds it way more therapeutic than he originally expected, and he does like that he's helping animals who need his help.

He ended up adopting a 3-legged rescue mutt, and he named it Jacs. Most people assume that it's spelled Jax, but it's not. It's named after his friends- and while its bittersweet, the dog picked up on the name and responded to it near immediately, so it stuck. He brings Jacs everywhere that he can, even brings him to the shelter sometimes and the other volunteers absolutely love him.

Reunions:

Going along with the h/c that he and Connie were the only survivors, but this can be made to fit whatever your head canons are. He and Connie, for a while, stayed pretty close, and helped one another get through all of the lasting effects. But, after a while, the relationship faded. They still meet up, but its rare, and its usually a somewhat tense encounter.

When they were all teenagers, heading off to different colleges, they promised to stay friends forever. And it worked- they stayed friends throughout college, meeting up during holidays, and even had their college graduation party together. And they stayed close friends until the end.

Leland feels guilty. He feels like he's not honoring their promise, and sometimes, he wonders if Connie even remembers. He can't blame her if she doesn't, it was a long time ago, and a lot has happened since then. And he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable. But Connie is the only living reminder of the group, and she just keeps drifting. She has a life for herself, and she's clearly moved on, or at least is trying to. Leland isn't as good at it as her. He constantly misses his friends, and wishes he could've done something different. Leland feels like he's stuck in the past, and everyone else keeps moving forward. And the one person he can talk to about it who really understands is falling through his fingers.

Relationships:

He has trouble building relationships with people. There's always that knowledge that he'll never love, understand, or know anyone else like he knew Jules, Sonny, and Ana. He has friends, of course, but romantic relationships are practically nonexistent for him. He's tried- he's dated here and there, but he feels like any partner he gets will always deserve better. Deserve someone who doesn't have so much baggage, who isn't hung up on the past, who isn't wrecked by anxiety like he is. Because of that, he can't commit to relationships.

It sucks, cause he always wanted a family. When he was younger, if you would've asked him what he wanted to be when he was older, his first answer would've been 'football player', and then it would've been 'dad'. He loves kids, and he loves the idea of settling down, but it feels impossible for him to do.

So, for the time being, he has Jacs, and that's enough for him.

The Notes:

He'll write notes to his friends sometimes. Especially to Sonny. He'll tell them about how his life is going, and how Jacs is doing, or tell them about a new restaurant that they'd love, promising to take them someday. And when he's done, he puts them in a box under the bed. At the end of every month, he burns all of them. It doesn't change anything, but it makes him feel better. Makes him feel like they're still friends.

He always burns them in his fireplace. He'll sit on the carpet in front of it, and Jacs will lay next to him, resting his head in his lap. And Leland will sort the letters out depending on who they're addressed to, and then he'll burn them in batches. He even writes them to Connie sometimes, telling her that he misses her and wishes they were still close like they were in college. He'll even fall asleep on his living room floor as the fire eases into ash and sparks.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Intro post:

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[vegaseatsass]

GAP the Series ep 6 thoughts (spoilers!!)

Am about to embark on an epic two-day backread (dw this is like. self-soothing behavior, not an obligation) but first!! Let me quickly journal about GAP: The Intricate Rituals Series.

So this episode made me feral. I'm like "no way can they top what last week did to my brain" and then Sam was out here licking Mon's thigh and barking. GAP girlies, we are truly God's strongest soldiers.

Thigh-licking aside, Thee Moment for me this week was Mon: It's nothing Sam: That means it's something. Mon: How could you possibly know that? Sam: I'm that type of person. How could I possibly not know what it's like? I mean first of all hhhhh Sam recognizing herself in Mon's attempt at disregarding very strong/obvious emotions!!! They are so socially different yet still mirrors of each other!! But second of all, Mon has become such an expert at decoding Sam's chaotic hot-cold indirect communication style, and I realized this week that Sam's approach to understanding Mon when avoiding or withdrawing from her isn't to learn how to read between Mon's lines and carefully interpret her like Mon does with Sam, but to urge Mon towards direct communication, push her past her kneejerk social graces to tell Sam the things she would otherwise swallow down. Not sure if I'm explaining this well but I find it really lovely, that they're both so attuned to each other and so invested in really understanding what the other is thinking and feeling, but they have different, complementary skillsets in how to go about seeking answers: Mon is incredibly perceptive and Sam is incredibly assertive. They're learning from each other too!! Not only is Sam paying close attention to what Mon is feeling but she does this cute thing where she lists off all the evidence of what she's observed (you didn't answer my texts and said no to dinner!), like a student first learning how to do mathematical proofs kdjfsdff Mon meanwhile asks more direct questions of Sam every episode. "What am I to you?" It's no longer enough for her to rely on non-verbal cues. Tl;dr im love them.

"What do you want to eat?" "Your lips" WANNA SUCK MOUTH ENERGY STILL GOING STRONG. Sam is so openly horny it is such a delight to behold.

Jim telling Mon she almost broke up with her fiance when Sam kissed her lmaooo she gets it!! I'm also wondering if she (whether deliberately or subconsciously) shared that to try to provoke a reaction in Mon. Sam's friends are just always stirring the pot to try to make Mon/Sam happen, so the symmetry of Jim taunting first Sam and then Mon with kissies seems intentional. Regardless, I am living for how hard they all ship Sam/Mon, and how they lack a single shred of remorse for Kirk. "If you guys have a beautiful affair we won't tell!!!"

I loved Sam's apology to Jim for oh so many reasons (why is she such a sexy gremlin? "You slap me, I'll kiss you." Sam who taught you to be like this!! I know it wasn't grandma!!), but one of them is all the apology language she's adopted from Kirk and Mon. The fingerheart attempt was so uwu I am having trouble typing about it, but also I'm clocking the snack bribery as something she picked up from Kirk. Before Mon became her role model on how to human, Kirk was there. Like esp if he's been mitigating her grandma's influence on her since she was a kid? I can just see why that was such a central relationship for her before Mon came along. Like I am sad! That he wasn't actually reading the room and wingmanning for her with Mon in ep2! I would have loved that as a story choice sooo much more, he's more annoying for his heteronormativity goggles, and it legit sucks that he's pushing their relationship in earnest when AT A MINIMUM he knows Sam views marriage as a kind of punishment/failure of girlboss aspirations. But I still suspect (what I am anticipating we'll see of) Sam's sense of obligation around his proposal isn't exclusively about obeisance to her grandma. I think there probably was real love there and he probably was a transformative and vital support for her for a lot of her life. Idk I haven't backread any of the tag or anything so this may be a realllly unpopular take lmao but I'm compelled by mess and it's more interesting to me to think that Sam really has loved and depended on Kirk as a partner for most of her life, but she isn't in love with him, something that only became crystal clear after meeting Mon.

On the heteronormativity goggles note: proud of Nop for getting his shit together this fast! I mean I think he always knew, and last week Mon just took away his reason to keep lying to himself about it, but it's nice that he can comfortably transition into Mon's lesbianism supporter. SHE NEEDS ONE

Noticed that she started wearing rainbow earrings after their little discussion btw. Is she beginning to embrace her "like"-like-a-lover-not-like-a-fangirl feelings... signs point to yes. Honestly atp I think all she needed to take that bouquet and propose to Sam herself was some explicit confirmation that Sam sees her as girlfriend material and not as a weird servant-sister, so it's devastating that instead of getting that grounding, the rug was pulled out from under them both. The preview for next week feels v "I don't know if we were dating but I do know she broke up w/ me" and that's the kind of gay representation I desire MOST so thank you but also ow.

Ok sorry for tl;dr post but the last thing I'll say is that right now my reading is that before her conversation with Nop, Mon was not looking too closely at her feelings for Sam or what they could mean about their relationship or her own identity, and that's why for example she gets so upset Sam calls her an outsider but NOT that Kirk is doing couple-y stuff with Sam right in front of her! She knows she wants to be close to Sam and important and more than a sister or a servant to her, but she can't fully-fully embrace the word for what it is that she wants without Sam naming it first. Mon's issue is one of internal expression. On the other hand, I think Sam completely knows what she feels for Mon, and probably always has. She felt guilty and exposed that Kirk was being couple-y in front of Mon because she fully sees Mon as her girlfriend! (Did she not google "how to make up with your girlfriend" lol I mean.) But for her the issue is one of external expression: she can't say what she knows she wants and feels out loud, because at best it would get her disowned and at worst it would get her killed in a car crash like her sister, so she's left slapping her friends and inventing lip-biting games instead of using her words.

Ep 1, Ep 2, Ep 3, Ep 4, Ep 5

[bl00dh0rs3]

I really need a name for this au. Anyway i nailed down their color schemes (flats and some character design-y thoughts notes below)

Aw man im really about to go in on this here, ok--ill stick to just design stuff and a bit of Their Deal^tm for now! ill explain the au in full some other day, with a more polished drawing.

Alright so. I am still doing research, its ongoing, but i think ive decided that, in this au, their relationship is something more akin to... in a past life they were the same, but for spiritual development reasons, the qi that made That person split, and went on to reincarnate as Them--narratively this is going to make them function like. Just normal Foils lmao--just with an added umph of it being somewhat literal for them, in the scope of their world, if that makes sense! I dont want to put myself in the box of calling them brothers, bc it just irritates me, but they are Not going to be romantically involved in this au either--SWK has enough trouble in his weirdly uneventful but still tumultuous love life as it is (👀 at Erlang and ZBJ), im not going to torment him by adding his evil clone to that list LMAO. Also LEMH aromantic as hell bc i said so.

Also their both trans thats very super important. Trans monkeys forever obviously

Anyway, So theyre still sort of "the same person", yet not, as they had still Never properly met (until Liu'er chapter)--their both incredibly similar and incredibly different, due to the imbalance of the energies within them and the actions they took for the majority of their lives. SWK is the yang, extroverted and bold and destructive and take-no-shit, while LEMH is the yin, (at least in this story) by being reclusive and a bit of a pushover for the longest time--the, erm.... Outburst, being the result of built up resentment and imbalance within himself spurning him to overcompensate for what he was lacking. It's kind of complicated and intricate and i like it that way if describing it is kind of rough Pfft--but anyway!

Point is, i wanted ALLLL that to be reflected in their designs by giving them plenty of Contrasting but Complimentary, and even sometimes juxtaposed details! The incorrect yin yang belt buckles/brooches are the most obvious one i think, next to the general warm vs. cold color palettes--then there's Liu'er being shirtless and with shorter hair, just to bring a sense of masculinity into his appearance, counterbalancing the fact that he's otherwise very feminine and in line with his Yin nature. Id say i made SWK's hair longer for the same kind of reason, but given that long hair isnt seen as inherently feminine, mileage can vary on that--if one reads it that way then yay, fun detail, and if not, then you still get to be looking as a SWK with long hair, and thats always a win in and of itself.

The red parts of their face are also matching--SWK's making up the over eye and LEMH's the under eye, to visually indicate the "this is the same person split in two" dealio. I also tried to make SWK appear a bit more Rounded and Soft, curving his cheek tuffs and little beard In a bit more (belying a gentler nature and other. Yknow, Round thoughts underneath his theatricality (contrasting with his yang-ish behavior), while LEMH's is sharp and feathered out (bringing to mind hostility and action and other Sharp thoughts, equally in contrast with his usually yin-ish nature).

They were initially going to both have the fillets on their heads, for reasons Like the ones above, but without a shirt Liu'er torso was feeling empty and i felt like he needed something to break up the grey of his fur--so, necklace. Hes bouta get choked tf out dont worry about it ❤

Uhhh thats all i can think of writing down right now, feel free to let me know if any of it is kind of Eh, constructive criticism and all that--if you saw any typos no you didnt, thank you for coming to my ted talk and have a groovy day

[torialefay]

Hi! I was wondering if you could do my natal chart!

01/19/1989

5:02 am

Ft Knox KY

Bias is Minho 🖤

Ps you’re awesome tyyyy

here you are honey ❤️🥰

Ascendant in Sagittarius:

Ascendant in Sag people come across as fun-loving and accepting. They value freedom and adventure. Sag people also come across as witty and open-minded. This isn't to say you're extroverted (although in the RIGHT crowd, Sags are known to err toward extroversion), but these parts of you definitely do come across when you first meet people you click/vibe with.

Although we don't know Minho's Ascendant, I'm sure the two of you would have lots of similarities and he would appreciate your originality and attention to him.

Sun in Capricorn in the 2nd house:

Your sun in Cap in the 2nd house tells me that you are someone who is really focused on your own value in the world. Several aspects of your personality are probably geared towards "proving" your worth in the world. I will say, I don't think it's necessarily at your very CORE that you solely need the validation from others (your Mercury in Aquarius tells me otherwise), but I do think others' opinions of you do matter to you, even if you know that it's wrong. You probably work very hard to control others' perceptions of you. More than likely, you are very trustworthy and reliable, and you know how to get things done when needed. You may have a "powerful" or "unstoppable" aura to those who are your close friends.

I think this is actually a really great match for Lee Know's Scorp Sun. Both can come across as more serious, but obviously as you get to know each of you, you're not all that tough. To the outside, it would look like y'all were the cuthroat "it" couple lol. I could see y'all having a big ass boujee house too idk just the vibes i'm getting.

Moon in Cancer in the 7th:

Moon in Cancer in the 7th tells me that you feel others' emotions DEEPLY. like almost take them on as your own. You really do care about other people and their happiness. You likely also NEED a love of love and attention, as well as having much of it to give yourself.

This is a placement that will either be amazing or terrible with minho (im so sorry). he has a tonnnn of scorp placements and a moon in sag. because of this, he will struggle with being super possessive and emotion-heavy, but also need his space and won't want to feel tied down. this is super different from cancer, who keeps that more clingy-emotional quality to it. i think on one hand, he would adore the way that you loved him and focused so much of your energy onto him, BUT he could find it overwhelming at times. you'd both have to channel your everyday life into other things apart from each other to make the relationship work.

Mercury in Aquarius in the 2nd (retrograde):

you probably think outside of the box and may even have problems expressing yourself or ideas to others. you probably also know that you're "different" or "unique" in your way of thinking. this leads to some cool and creative ideas. since you're in retrograde though, it tells me you may have a lot of trouble getting people to understand what you're really TRYING to say or you may often get misunderstood. you also probably ARE good at communicating with each person on an individual level, if you can just manage to not get distracted lol.

this is an average match for minho! his mercury in scorp means that he probably has a more innate ability to communicate solely through emotions and he can err towards manipulation at times. aquarius can pick this up easily and definitely doesn't appreciate it. i do think though that in everyday life, you'd be able to communicate effectively and you would inspire him to think for himself, not just conforming to the crowd.

Venus in Cap in the 1st:

like i said about your first house before, you probably put a lot of emphasis on how valuable you are seen in life. with venus also being here, it likely means that you channel this value through means of love or beauty. this could manifest in severallll ways as how you express your personality so bare with me... could be through any of these: makeup, fashion, being known as extremely kind and helpful, serving others around you, art, literature, photography, etc etc. there are honestly so many options, but through everything, it is likely that you express yourself in a way that is along these lines of having a lot of love and channeling some form of beauty, whether inward or outward. however, with that Cap placement, i'd say it's likely that you channel ALL of this in some way that is concrete, or able to be seen through tangible evidence.

with minho's placement, i think he would naturally be very drawn to you for a reason he wouldn't understand. in terms of sensuality, i do think it could work, but you'd have to be willing to give into him more than you'd probably like.

Mars in Taurus in the 4th:

this tells me that you would most likely have a very loving and nurturing family with him. you would be a naturally great caretaker for him, and there would be a lot of peace in the home. with his virgo placement here coupled with yours, i actually do get vibes that there would be children involved (whether biological, adopted, etc). even if it didn't originally make sense, i really feel like that's what would end up happening.

in arguments, i think you would both resolve them quite well actually, with you being a bit more stubborn in letting it go. but overall, i would see you all being able to work things out fairly quickly.

[algolstare]

Honey, I know you're scared but you're lucky you have people outside the abusive circle who love you. I had nobody. Maybe you need to take a leap of faith and ask them for help, truly. You can't keep living like this. Just now it's a kind of awful stop gap but don't let it become permanent. I know you have to be careful rn but this is no way to be living. I know you want to protect those who love you because you love them but something has to give. You're going to have keep your wits about you and figure out your next move, but I know this is easier said than done. But please don't give up. Your mom is a monster. Don't let her win. That's why she's doing this because by leaving you managed to gain the upper hand and as bullies don't like this, she's upping the ante. She is a sick fuck and a coward. If you have somebody or people who may be prepared to help you, who are aware of the situation and possible danger presented by your mom, who are prepared to get you out of there PROPERLY and on your feet and give you that time to get cleaning job or whatever - you seem very hardworking etc - then take your chance, sweetheart.

I'm sorry for the long letter but I had no help and it nearly killed me. But I got out by skin of my teeth because I knew I was doomed anyways if I stayed. But you have your safety and others safety to consider I know. I just hope and will you to get out for good, to not give up.

i am lucky, this is true the people who love me have changed my life for the better in ways i cant even put into words. i can say honestly that enduring this long has been worth it just for the warmth from my loved ones, who feel so much more like family than blood-family there are limits to what you can do for someone when you live oceans away. there are limits to what you can do, when you are struggling yourself. there are limits to what you can do with regards to money, energy, time, level of risk taken on. if my loved ones could have scooped me up out of here a la prince on a white horse im completely certain they would have done so already i cant go back to the place i lived before even knowing the favorable circumstance w/ regards to that. my mother was completely confident about coming to take me back, she knows the address, itd be a repeat of the same - probably not even waiting for an excuse if im very unlucky. i can't afford to take a leap of faith the worst that can happen is not that someone would say no - it's that someone would decide for me that the way to go is to involve the authorities, which isnt safe for me so long as i am here with nowhere else i can go, at a moment's notice or otherwise. it is hours to the nearest shelter. even if i were out of here, even if i decide i dont give a goddamn if they get into trouble for their own evil choices, i cant afford to take anyone to court, and even if everyone believed me and i didnt end up as yet another villainized abuse victim, it still wouldnt make me any more secure in having a place to live, and it isnt a means to gaining housing. not only that, there's more to take into account: what happens when my mother who is pretending to be not evil is no longer constantly watching what the workers who care for my sibling do to someone who the authorities will never believe? if that doesnt make sense for being too vague, i can say what i mean more clearly by tying it to something else: opportunistic predatory adults outside my home took advantage of me every time i let it slip that nobody gave a shit what happens to me. it's important to maintain the illusion of having people who care about what happens to you if you dont want people to take advantage of the easiest target in clear view. unless i can personally be someone who they know to fear consequences from, breathing down their necks, there will be consequences for unraveling my mother's webs of lies. they already don't treat my sibling as they should. it's not only my own safety i risk with every mistake. even if i decide to say fuck it, seek the help of others even though i know wherever i go if my family finds me they will do their best to do more harm, including to people who help me, it's not just the weight of guilt for that - but for my siblings, only one of which has escaped completely and isnt in any danger from family anymore, the other is totally and completely still at their mercy despite physically not living in the same house anymore, and nobody counts his words for anything because he's intellectually disabled - even when the authorities get involved, which they have been too many times for me to even count anymore, nobody believes him or me or maybe they just didnt care, either way, the outcome is the same.

even if i tossed all that aside and shirked my sense of morality that i know is all tied up in misplaced blame and living under the gaslight since birth, i dont have room for mistakes for my own sake either. im already physically so fucked up from just under a month of not even the worst theyve done, if it escalates further, i dont know. ive managed to just walk off tons of blood loss before, but that was a miracle, and i was more well-fed then. there's nowhere for me to go if i fuck up and don't have another place to go lined up.

my work went up in flames, i have no income right now and have to figure that out running on less than empty, and i have the option of trying to raise funds for escape again but again, it's more than money constraints, i have to figure out so many things and none of these decisions are small

ive promised my loved ones repeatedly im not going to give up, and i dont feel like breaking it at all. im going to keep trying. but it's really, really, really not a matter of willpower. i have that in spades.

im glad that you got out and i hope that you remain safe for the rest of your life and never ever have to endure abuse again. i know that everything you say comes from the heart and from a good place, of wanting me to be well, and of rooting for someone whose struggle you see your own in - i dont want to discount that by talking about how impossible everything looks right now for me, at all!!

i wish i could come up with a better reply. i dont want to go "so true, will do!!" when i know all the reasons i cant do, you taking the time to encourage me is so meaningful to me that i want to be nothing but sincere.

[sidisaspecto]

Guidelines

Please give a like to let me know you've taken a gander at my rules.

Updated 07/18/2024

ABOUT:

Kar/Karmun/Karthonic either-or. If you'd rather separate mun/muse you can use my middle name, Asher to refer to me.

They/Them is cool.

From New York, so the timezone is EST.

Birthday’s January 1990, so 30+

Spoonie with AuDHD

Artist, and educator, so I can get busy. I commute, so I'm on the train for a few hours a day,

You can reach me on here or on discord. Just ask.

Personal blog @karthonic.

On mobile most of the time.

Also run @stellevatum & @obscurushydrae

GENERAL:

Above all else: Be Excellent to each other and party on, dudes!

This incarnation Kar is for ARK: SURVIVAL EVOLVED ONLY. This blog is Private and part of a closed RP group. I will only write with people who have been accepted. If you want to join in, visit @stargazertribe. I will be softblocking followers who have not submitted to the group after a week or so.

Please don’t follow/interact if you’re under 18, or if you've not been approved.

If you want other Sci-Fi stuff, go follow @stellevatum. For Paranormal/Supernatural stuff @obscurushydrae

Communication is key. My muse might be intimidating, but I'm not-- just very busy and on mobile more often than not. Don’t know something, or want me to elaborate: ask! I forgot a reply or not feeling a thing anymore, lemme know. I'm good. I like get to know the people I write with, it makes me plot things better.

There will be casual mentions of recreational drug use, more often than not mentions of alcohol than drugs, but will be tagged upon request. Other possible triggers are her fatalistic humor and self harm.

This is not a content resource blog. If you’re here for the pretty pictures, aesthetics, or memes, this is not the blog for you.

Godmoding is discouraged but I’m not going to stop it. In this universe, respawn is canon.

Most art is mine but will be credited. If I reblog any art reposted without the original creator’s permission, let me know. I’ll remove it.

IN CHARACTER:

Much of her bio not public knowledge, your character would not know it unless explicitly told by her, or we have discussed it OOCLY.

ASKS:

Askbox will only be open for IC interactions, save for when the meme specifies Mun. IMs are for OOC communication. Anon feature is for sideblogs, multimuses to interact ICly with me. Any Anon messages good or bad directed to the Mun (outside of memes) will be ignored. The Anon feature is privilege, I will revoke it for my well-being if need be.

No Magic Anons, please!

There’s no need to wait to send me a meme if you’ve followed me for 5 minutes or 5 months, send the thing.

Reblog Karma is going to be enforced on this blog. That is, if you reblog an ask meme off me, please send me one. Otherwise, reblog the meme from @karref

THREADS:

Jump on any open post, there’s no need to ask permission, they’re there for that reason!

I will be keeping my posts simple! I don't have the time/energy to make formatted posts, and I like to keep things as accessible as possible. I do try to keep track of the heavily plotted stuff, but the casual things might drop off. Feel free to remind me if it's been a bit!

Communicate! If you’re having trouble writing a reply, talk to me! If you don’t like or not feeling a thread, say so and drop the thread. That also doesn’t mean things are done for good. Come to me if you want to skip/do something else.

If you’d rather we move things to discord, just ask! I’ll set up a server just for us!

SHIPPING:

I don't entirely expect to ship Kar in this verse but willing to discuss the possibility. leave the rest to chemistry and just how we as writers write. Kar is into male muses, and will be polite about turning other people down, unless one doesn’t take the hint.

I will only write ships with muns older than 21, but 25+ is preferred.

TAGGING/ HARD LIMITS:

Blood, Gore, Body Horror, Drugs, etc, will be tagged with (name); for instance drugs; . Special Tags on request.

Posts will be tagged upon request, just let me know!

If you read and understand this, I would appreciate if you'd leave a like the post, that way I know you have without forcing a password.

But if you'd like to message me, here's a DM icebreaker: What's your favorite extinct animal? (If you're lucky I may have cool fact about it.)

HOPE TO WRITE WITH YOU SOON! :D

[withleeknow]

the stars aligned for you being a june bangtan baby!! . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ for me still with you reigns as his superior single ✨️ that specific jk/jin take two pre-chorus GOD the lyrics and harmonisations still give me butterflies 😭 (🥺💌 = https://we.tl/t-Mfc5dpyl4d)

[🍙's note-to-self: I'm so ready to indulge in your bangtan works] + no pressure at all with your semi-hiatus; when inspiration comes it'll come gracefully in time ♡ also the way you've updated me on your skz-WIPs like your own teaser schedule ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝

lmao how stacked is this multistan sandwich getting, no way you're also an aespa girlie 👀 ok svt lowkey give me a headache IN A GOOD WAY! ONLY BC! there's so many of them to be entertained by their chaos 😭 I'm mostly a dk (&dino) girl - that iconic heeseung effect lowkey happened with these two 😫 https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGeVP98fn/ I found this during my hs-rabbithole and I genuinely haven't been the same since

+ today's hyperfixation: cue “go little rockstar” https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGeVP7DxY/ he's radiating black cat energy (tmi: I'm the black cat in the golden retriever dynamic with my bsf which might explain why im extra fuzzy towards this man) 🖤

ONIGIRI HAVE YOU SEEN THIS AAAAAAA "per request from the artist" HE'S NOT EVEN HOME YET AND HE'S ALREADY MAKING ME CRY 😭 oh the envy that i have for the people who get to attend... how does it feel to be the first fans to see and HUG kim seokjin after he's been away for 18 months 😭

god i really do love still with you so much. jungoo absolutely kills it with his artistry and i hope we'll get to see him be more hands-on with his music when he gets back

ahh i actually only started listening to aespa very recently. up until a few months ago i thought they were 3rd gen idols lmao for some reason i always thought they debuted not long after red velvet 😭

i love dk !!!!!! wonwoo is probably at the top of my thirst list but dk is the most precious and endearing and funny 😭 i have never seen them in the same frame before akldakjfdsa that is certainly.......... something 😳 you're really influencing my heeseung brainrot here. i've been watching fatal trouble vids since you mentioned it the other day and i just- *eyes bulge out of head*

god he really is just so sharp from every angle.. biting my fist and whatnot.. i never thought i'd be into enha like that but here we are 😭 omg me too my friends tell me i'm a black cat !! you really are my other 🐈‍⬛ half 🥹

i had to save the best for last bc WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

i adore you to the moon and back, i truly think you're one of the best things that's ever happened to this blog and i'm so happy you stumbled across my little space here 😭 coming back to kpop after a decade really is an experience that not many can relate to but i'm really glad that i get to share that with you :((( tbh once upon a time i also couldn't see myself being a kpop stan past a certain age (twt stans think everyone over 20 is on the precipice of turning into dust lmao), but now being a kpop stan as an adult is so much more fun and fulfilling! getting into bangtan 2 years ago let me reconnect with my creativity and it's really helped me a lot, not just in terms of it being a comforting lil hobby but it made me realize what i wanna do for my career yk (i wanna be a graphic designer or at least work in media lol). and getting to buy merch with adult money! and meeting wonderful pocket friends that can turn into real life friendships! maybe i was meant to be obsessed with kim taehyung 2 years ago and that made me return to kpop bc otherwise i would be missing out on all of these joys 😭 this got so rambly lmao i'm sorry tldr i love you 🥹

[14muffinz]

first off, ive been reading your rise fics for a while now and really enjoying them, especially wouldn't it be easier (the mystery of why leon is here, seemingly alone, and going to school of all things is very compelling, and i love how he's just like. this mysterious, cool friend that you don't really know anything about but he's always there when you need him) and im excited to see where you go with that

second off, re: turtle ask game, i got a couple for you lol:

14. Which character would you want to be friends with? 18. Did any of their voice actors really stand out to you?

Which character would you want to be friends with? Not a Donnie or Raph. I hate feeling stupid or otherwise inferior. I hate loud noises. I'm low energy. I occasionally have trouble differentiating between humor and bullying.

Shit, wait, that eliminates Mikeys as well.

2012 Leo I think would be pretty chill, depending on where we are timeline-wise. Being friends with those turtle's definitely implies trauma that I don't got time to deal with

Mutant Mayhem, currently, has the lowest chance of me facing a tragic demise. April and Leo over there are pretty chill, but MM Mikey I think is my final pick.

Look. He has fellow autistic energy, speaks at a respectable volume, and I feel like he'd be able to gently guide me into trying new things.

Did any of their voice actors really stand out to you? Mayhem Leo's stood out, because everyone originally thought he'd be voicing Donnie. Tbh, I like MM Donnie's voice better.

Both 2012 Leo and Bay Leo's swaps of course caught my attention, just because they were new voices.

Ben Shwartz (the only name i can remember) i loved for rise leo, and the fact he's around Donnie's VA on ducktales is amazing

Bat Mikey has a GREAT voice. Kudos to that VA, he did the character justice for sure.

Rise Saki being voiced by 2012 Splinter, and Rise Splinter being voiced by 2012 Tigerclaw DEFINITELY needs to be discussed

The mrbeast cameo in MM??? Caught me off guard fr

And ofc Rob Paulsen (the parentheses are liars) as a trillion diff voices, especially 87 Raphael and 12 Donatello. That man is everywhere

FUCK WAIT ALSO alex hirsh as scumbug is incredible