#but im fully aware i may just be talking to myself

[sleepingcup]

Still with You

Game: Stardew Valley

Characters: Sebastian x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, a little bit of angst

.

Summary: Sebastian admires you just thw way you are.

.

(please be aware of ooc)

-----

You may not notice this before and even until now, for being just a normal farmer who just sell crops, restores the community center with your junimo friends, helping the others in need to gain their full trust, you have everything.

Yeah...except for one.

Getting a spouse.

It is the ONLY thing you never had while you were doing your best in Pelican Town, and yet you never realize how you actually make others feel better than before even if you can't fix them completely.

Out of all the possible candidates, you found interest on a certain boy.

Even if...you never understand yourself very well...

Local Emo boy, Sebastian.

Lives in the mountain with his parents tho there will always be conflict wherever he goes, it started off as a awkward conversation, but soon it turns to a more...nice and friendly relationship you two have.

What goes romancing anyone can do to you? You are just doing something to save yourself and yet, it turns out that you yourself need saving too but��.how? An endless spiral of questions appears on your mind, walking in the rain where no one can really hear you to the beach where you can find solace to the sounds of the rain and the sounds of the beach waves by the docks, and yet…

“Hm? (Farmer)?”

“!!!”

He is there.

“You come to beach in the rain as well?”

You nodded, not expecting someone to be there in the rain. Most people stay at home to avoid the rain for colds but here Sebastian is relishing into the rain like nothing happened. Walking closer to him you two remained quiet, giving a slight glanced at him he looks relaxed but looking a bit sad. Hearing him talk to you does help you well to feel a bit better, and yet he noticed that the rain was getting him more.

“Here there is room for two.”

You walked closer to him a little bit hoping to not take too much space, the two of you relaxed into rain quietly, it was comforting. And yet you never imagine that he is slowly warming up to you. From a slightly awkward conversation in his room, encountering him fixing a motorcycle and plans to move out of town, playing games with him and Sam in his room, and now relaxing with him quietly on the beach side. You do admit secretly that you are comfortable with him being there with you.

But you remember one small pain that you can tell, during in the Flower Dance, you watched Abigail dancing with Sebastian even if you didn’t participate in the dance but to only watch them dance. What is this painful feeling he is just your acquaintance/friend, she looked proud even tho you did not do anything but talk to him just casually.

“…(er)….(Farmer)….”

Why….why does your heart ache when you can’t express it-

“(Farmer), are you okay? You looked lifeless for a minute…”

When you snap out of it, Sebastian was facing you he looked concerned and doesn’t understand why.

“….I….”

“…I know you hear my story about myself a bit just now…. But…. will you let me get to know you a little more even if it hurts?”

You were speechless but to Sebastian he know fully well that there is no one who can hear you out, he has seen you feeling lifeless or depressed in one of these previous days but its rare for him to see you this sad in person. Taking a deep breath before facing to the ocean….

“I….never understand myself and my emotions well….”

You were told you had apathy, doesn’t smile, doesn’t show emotion, but when you do it never makes sense to you. You just want to get to know more about Sebastian and the other people in town not just show emotions. “Im sure the you and the town knows that…I don’t smile more often… I don’t even understand myself very well….” Holding your arm for a slight bit of comfort you closed your eyes taking a sharp breath.

Not ready to see his reaction you decided to continue, “I’m scared… Being a people pleaser for money is not my thing…. And yet, seeing progress with everyone one by one makes me wonder…. What if actually feels to feel….loved.”

“…”

You wanted to run to home and yet, you felt an arm wrapped around your waist. Opening your eyes you saw Sebastian pulling you closer to him, he has a reassuring smile on his face before making you lean your head on his shoulder.

You don’t get it, it never makes sense.

You respected his dream, you respected him, but you never seen him….being this close to you.

Parts of you want to push him away and yet….you feel like you deserve comfort from him.

“Are you feeling a bit better now that you say whats on your mind?”

“….y-yes….”

No more words, only silence and yet there is comfort in silence. Its like time has slowed or stopped for a moment, and yet you feel rather….relieved. Having someone to hear you out is something that you never expected it to be so comforting.

“Did you….hate me for saying these words?”

“No, its rather understandable for you to have these feelings. I don’t hate you for that, but rather thankful that you also open up to me.”

You two stare at the sky that was now going dark, and yet…

“Hey….Sebastian…?”

He looks at you confused before you gently hug him underneath the umbrella, “Thanks.” You don’t want to explain yourself and when you pull away just to look at him once more, you didn’t realize what your doing.

“I’ll find myself going to visit you once I got free time…. But please warm up once your home.”

You pull away from him before waving goodbye to him walking yourself to the town once more leaving Sebastian alone. You didn’t realize this but….you realize that you almost kissed him. It made your face feel warm from what you just did.

Sebastian on the other hand was speechless, feeling his face becoming warmer. You may not noticed this but he saw you smile for the very first time, and yet he did saw that your face was red up close at that. He finds himself covering his mouth feeling warmer than the cold.

He remembers you being there for him on times like this but was not expecting to feel…romantic towards you. He knows fully well that you have apathy and yet he admired you for one reason, being his solace that he never expected. The time where you invited Sebastian to your house for a relaxing dinner after his argument with his step-dad, he felt guilty when he almost yelled at you for trying to comfort him and yet you let him rest on your house and let him relax in your couch while your taking care of the crops. He did tell you many times that he is sorry but you kept on reassuring him that its completely fine since you knew his living condition.

Not only that you also give him gifts that he never had before, risking your life in the mines to get him a Frozen Tears or Obsidian for him, wasting your time fishing just to give him Sashimi, using your crops and milk to give him Pumpkin Soup, giving him something he never expected like the Frog Egg or Void Egg makes him happy. And you hearing him out on his frustrations he rambled on makes him feel even better, he knows your doing it to please him but he also knows that you are purely genuine with him even in you did not realize it.

Walking his way home, he can feel his heart beating so fast.

Sebastian admitted that he admired you, and yet he DOES worries that you might stress yourself out.

…

..

.

He stormed out of his house again but not out of anger or stress, something was giving him a bad feeling. Walking to the mines at night he saw you trying to walk out of the mines but from what he looked at you shock and fear grew within him…

“(FARMER!)”

You were gravely injured, limping slowly as time becomes 2 am. He ran to you straight ahead and captured you to his arms. He check on you with a worried expression on his face and yet you were just unconscious but not dying, he was relieved and yet he needs to make a move.

Carrying you in his arms and walks his way to your house despite how tired he really was, but his priorities is not himself but you. Inside on your house upon arrival he check your injuries and patched it up carefully with your nearby emergency medkit without waking you up. And yet he felt something cool on his hands, it was a frozen tear and he looked at you but you were still asleep.

“For…..Seb….by…”

“….”

He finds himself blushing at that, “….Why must you make me worry at a time like this….” Carefully and gently placing you on the bed before giving you the blanket, he stared at your sleeping face calmly before finding himself learning towards you and yet….he soon realize what he had done and quietly pulled away.

“….But….what if you don’t….”

Sebastian sadly can’t bring himself to kiss you, what if you’re interested in someone else like Sam, Abigail, or others. And yet he instead hold your hand gently before smiling at you, “Get better soon…(Farmer)…” He got up from your bed before quietly walks out of your house before locking it from behind, face still feeling warm and yet he too wanted to kiss you, but…he needs to know your feelings.

…

..

.

Morning finally comes in 6 am, waking up from the sound you tried to remember what happened to you.

You remembered getting gravely injured while fighting the enemies but quickly escaped to the ladder once you realized that it was almost 2 am, but you didn’t lose anything this time but…. neither your money or items was stolen.

“…”

You are confused the second you check your mailbox but nothing was there, you were expecting someone to let you know but no, nothing.

“But….who….”

Then it hits you, the last person you had seen was Sebastian before you didn't land roughly on the ground. There is only on conclusion, and it was Sebastian that brought you here but nothing was stolen.

"...I need to pay him back..."

The next weeks has passed, you made sure you repay Sebastian but he insist that you really don't need to give him anything. And yet when all hope for you feels a bit lost, one day you got an new mail from Robin and upon reading it....

You immediately knew what gift to give, even tho it feels incomplete you decided to get something extra for his gift, you quickly grabbed a stored pumpkin and fresh milk before going back to the house just to make the perfect gift for him, (even tho he is maxed out).

That autumn night of the was truly the day you repay him completely.

Arriving at his room for a nice chit chat by 3:30 pm, you two had a decent chat before the next was comfortable silence. You watching him programming while assisting him on some codes, he never knew you had talent on programming and thanks to you his job feels more easier than before.

"Say...Sebastian."

He looked at you wondering what you had to say, but was greeted by the delicious pumpkin soup that you had well prepared for him.

Smiling at the gift he gladly accepts it from you.

"I love this! How did you know?"

"Your mom let me learn the recipe just for you."

Sebastian was stunned not knowing that she made good friends with his mom just to help you give him a gift out of the materials you stored. Feeling his hand touching your cheek just to look at him, he knew that you were able to feel better. And when he was about to lean closer he suddenly pulled away blushing as you were speechless at his actions.

It was VERY slow for you to realize it...

You truly love him.

Quickly getting his hand before pulling him a bit closer surprising Sebastian, he was about to say something but you gently kisses his cheek before placing something on his arms.

Pulling away he looked down at the gift.

"!!!!"

Sebastian was blushing alot before looking at you with a warm smile, he knew he admired you just the way you are, getting used to his attitude, knowing how to make him smile, and for the times he get to watch you being beautiful even if it wasn't the case.

"I...I didn't know you feel the same way."

He took a glimpse at you with a smile watching your expression, you normal or depressed look your face was replaced by a gentle smile and yet you are blushing at your own actions towards him.

"...Sorry... That I took a long time to...feel that way."

Sebastian shook his head before pulling you to a hug.

Reminiscing the end of Summer by the Moonlight Jellies, Sebastian manage to take a glimpse at you. Being mesmerized by the blue soft glow, and yet when no one else wasn't paying extra attention he saw your genuine smile. It was one reason why he has gotten soft on you without breaking character. Unfortunately he was not able to see that smile after that, it must have felt like a core memory.

And yet.

"Don't make fun of me. But I never had a girlfriend/boyfriend before."

"I won't, it makes you special just the way I love you."

And yet he won't stop blushing, staring at you lovingly before giving your cheek a gentle kiss.

Ever since that day, you made his day even better when you are by his side. The moment you left his room, he was smiling at the bouquet of romantic flowers before hugging it closer to his chest relishing the moment you two have just now.

And if you are completely very luckily, you will see him staring at you with a smile and a cute blush that got your heart racing.

...

..

.

Before the beginning of Winter, you ran to the beach shore to do some foraging.

Ever since you become Sebastian's boyfriend stress and pressure has been applying for the both of you, trying to being the perfect maid to the people while doing dangerous tasks takes a deeper toll on you.

Meanwhile Sebastian had to get used to endless nagging, and worse of all his step-dad being completely rude to him which results him to return to his very bad habits.

Sure the both of you meet up in secret but what romantic moment was turned to empty and yet normal relationship, but in one of those times....

"I like you hair."

"!!!"

There are nice and tender moments hiding underneath the waters of the iceberg, despite you feeing the stress, pressure, and painful injuries you still went out of your way just to see him. Sebastian can be worried about you and yet...

"May I have you hand Sebastian?"

Sebastian was confused before lending out his hand to you, "Please, close your eyes." You said before he did what you told him, he felt something cold and yet it was highly different from the gifts. "You may open it now." And just like that, he opened his eyes...

It was a Mermaid's Pendant.

...

..

.

Ever since you two were married, Sebastian had never felt THIS HAPPY before. Marrying you was his best decision ever and as a result he lives in your house comfortably.

Plus he get to learn something silly from you. getting insane over the silliest of things, being overall very clingy to him when you go near him.

Sebastian did his very best to quit smoking for real just to live a bit more longer with you, and as a result he felt like his choices are rewarding. You still accept his sudden confessions of being alone, you still made sure you give him gifts, heck you evenly made sure that he gets the love he wanted to receive for so long.

There was money struggles from time to time but he understands since you two kept a nice conversation from time to time, sure he knows that you give gifts to other genders but its different compared how you give him gifts.

Finally one day the house was completely upgraded and he was tempted on the basement but you were pouting at him for that silly suggestion.

But that isn't all...

One rainy day you went home again to check up on Sebastian...

You are normally stoic and yet, that won't stop your heart from beating loudly. knowing the facts that Sebastian is genuinely romantic at random times can sometimes get you insane in love with him all over again.

It made you a blushing mess much to Sebastian's happy reactions from you.

You quickly pulled him closer to give him a hug and kisses that he still desperately needs, the same moment when time was stopped and yet, it was stopped in the most right way possible.

After all...

He still enjoys your company with him even now.

[bubblegum-bros-sys]

I’m the host of our system. For those who may not know, that means I front the most and am generally in charge of day-to-day activities and responsibilities.

I am also a front bound host. Or front locked, front stuck, front sticky, whatever other terms you may know. This means, more or less, that I cannot leave front, at least not fully. I’m always aware of the outside to some extent and I have extremely little access to our headspace/innerworld.

For me and our system, this means a lot of things. It means that I’m the person most people outside know. It means that I make most of our decisions and generally get more authority over our life (for better or for worse). It means that I don’t get breaks. It means that majority of the time, the other members of our system can’t really front without going through me, blending with me, being covered by me.

I believe it’s unfair to live like this. The rest of my system doesn’t really get to fully be themselves on the outside. They don’t get to have their own lives, their own friends, their own body.

And for me, I can’t experience the inside. I’m cut off from the inner world/headspace, I’m cut off from anyone who isn’t also in/near front, our memories get all weird while fronting in order to keep things from me.

I have so much responsibility and yet all I really feel like is “the default”.

My headmates feel so special to me. So unique. Like they have purpose. And I know I do too, but half the time, all I feel like is another mask.

I don’t really get to know myself outside of the body. I don’t get to experience the inner world. I cannot physically interact with my headmates the same way they can with each other and it’s honestly isolating.

My job is to be the default, the mask, the “normal”. I’m not normal. Not generally speaking at least. Im neurodivergent, im queer, im weird. I’m still traumatized, I just experience it through frosted glass and ear muffs. But I still feel like the most “normal” person in this system

I feel like the most boring, the most unimportant, because I don’t even have a choice. None of us do. I have to be like this, I have to be in charge of everything, and I’m not even good at it. I don’t get it. I don’t get why I was placed in this role but there doesn’t seem to be any way to change it.

So I try my best at least.

I feel weird even talking about my experience being plural because being a frontbound host it feels like every aspect of me being plural is just the times that I’m not me. I feel like I’m telling other peoples stories, even when I’m involved.

I hate feeling like this is my system or my life because it’s not. I’m not the only one here. Me being the default doesn’t make me any more real or important than the others yet I’m practically forced to act that way cause that’s how everyone sees it.

But when I’m not saying everything is mine, it almost feels like nothing is, especially when it comes to being plural.

If it weren’t for my headmates existing, my life wouldn’t be different from any other singlet because Im always out. All of my plurality is tied to what the other people in my head do or experience and I wouldn’t experience any of that without them. It feels like the only thing that’s special about my plurality is my headmates.

They’re their own people, and they only get to express themselves openly on rare occasions. It almost feels like me talking about myself the same way they do is taking away from that because I already do that on my non-system accounts all the time. I’m the only one who ever gets to not be plural all the time, I’m the only one who gets to present as “normal” if I choose to

But it sucks feeling like I have to. It sucks feeling like this is all I am. I’m plural too. I’m part of this system, but because I’m frontbound, it doesn’t really feel like it. It feels like I’m a singlet who just watches the rest of my headmates do whatever without really being part of that plural experience or when they’re not fronting I’m just alone entirely and it’s weirdly isolating.

Frankly I’m not sure if there’s a point to this, I was just struggling to come up with ideas of what to make a comic about and it turned into this ramble. I figured some people could relate at the very least so I decided to turn it into a post anyways.

-🦩 (Jameson/Jamie, he/they/it)

[ryuichirou]

So i'm reading your yandere/hypnosis post and i get to Vil being utterly jealous enough to try on Rook; and it makes me think about his drive and the second place club lol (Leona, Jamil and Vil) like D: poor them they're always outranked by that ooonnee person! Can our boys catch a break? whether that person knows or not I always tend to feel bad--especially for Vil since i remember his inner speech in book 5 and the fact that his most trusted person ended up being such a big fan of the person who makes him feel like second best. wait i love rookvil i think i made myself sad LOL NOoo--aahh I rambled im sorry, i guess the main question i wanna ask is what do you think about those particular three always having to come second to their respective counterparts? I think your opinions and insight is so interesting that i'd like to know your thoughts on this! and you don't have to answer for all three characters if you dont wanna I was just curious on your thoughts! Anyways, have a good day and stay hydrated! it's hot this summer oof

Anon! Took some time to get back to you as well, sorry for the late reply. Summer is already over, but it’s still SO HOT…

Without diving into just how much I love the ending of book5 and the whole Rook-Vil-Neige thing (I feel like I talk about it all the time LOL)… It is interesting how these Vil, Jamil and Leona always get to be second best, isn’t it? But ironically, I don’t think I ever grouped them in my head based on this. Maybe it’s because of how different their situations are? But also now that I think about it…

Vil isn’t better than Neige, and he tries to be better by working hard.

Jamil is better than Kalim, but he can’t be better because of his status.

Leona may or may not be better than Falena in some ways, but he doesn’t even bother.

Ignoring the fact that this “better” is always subjective and in actuality things are more complex than that… and also trying not to sound like an armchair therapist that’s just telling anime boys “you should have done this you idiot”, but.

Jamil got the most development in that sense because this internal conflict is very straightforward, in fact, he was the easiest one to describe with these little sentences I just wrote. Jamil wants to stop pretending to be worse than he is, he wants to work hard and to show how great he is without being forced to get worse results than Kalim. He is only the second best because he consciously allows Kalim to be the best whenever he is given this choice. And he isn’t always given a choice: a lot of times the system decides for him, just like when Crowley chose Kalim to be the housewarden. Still, even in that situation, Jamil knows for a fact the shape, the density and the nature of this ceiling he can’t break, he’s been aware of it for his entire life. This is why it’s easy to pinpoint moments of Jamil’s growth: when he expresses how much he hates pretending to be worse than Kalim, when he says that he won’t hold back anymore, when he gets to dance and rap at VDC as a lead-vocalist and, ironically, when he gets scolded by Leona in ch6 (I have some issues with their sub-story, but still).

With Vil, the difficult part is to understand what exactly he understands as “beauty”: I mentioned it in a bunch of Vil-centric posts, but we’ve seen how in-canon he was described as too beautiful, therefore not as relatable as Neige. So this isn’t about beauty, and in a way I think this isn’t about Neige either. This is about Vil’s own feeling of self-worth and self-expression, and how people perceive him; Neige is just a very good point of reference, a good metric, especially considering that they always end up being compared to each other and that comparing numbers of followers is easy and seemingly objective (which is a cruel trap a lot of people fall for).

What I’m trying to say is that Vil isn’t fully and constantly aware of “the shape of this ceiling”, or rather why he can’t reach Neige; this is why we had that ending to his book. This isn’t solely about skill or quality, but those are the main things Vil focuses on.

And Leona… I am not sure about him, to be honest, because it boils down to one problem that I have with him: I am not sure what he wants.

It’s easy to compare him to Jamil because it seems like his issue lies in being frustrated with the system: he will never be the first because Falena is literally the first born son. But I don’t think it’s fair to compare a prince with a servant like that, because even though Leona wouldn’t be the king, he still has a lot of power and opportunities, and we’ve seen Falena valuing his strong points and expressing that he wants Leona to help him. One might even say that he invited Leona to be by his side, as a brother and an equal. But this isn’t what Leona wants in actuality, is it?

His “ceiling” seems to be obvious, but I guess his actual frustrations lie elsewhere, and those are kind of difficult to see because of how inconsistent he is. But maybe it’s just me being frustrated with his character again lol

I am replying so late because I really thought I would have some kind of conclusion about this whole thing, but it seems like I don’t lol Still, it was an interesting topic to think about.

Thank you for your ask! <3

[danibeanie]

Cancer mars post 🤍

(Also moon-mars aspects!)

-I really feel like this placement resonates the most with me when it comes to my natal chart. The funny thing is that it makes NO aspects with any other planets.

-I’ve heard somewhere that a planet that doesn’t make any aspects with other planets is important because it’s just itself with no other influences.

-wherever you have this placement with definitely influence that house x10. I feel like planets in their fall or detriment just impact your whole chart in general.

Positives 🩵

-your intuition is literally amped 100 by this placement. someone can be talking to me in a different tone than usual and I can just sense there’s something wrong and they’re like HOW DID U KNOW??😭

-emotions are strong and it’s because it’s influence links with the moon. we know that the moon is who we are deep within, our hidden feelings. anything I do makes me want to work even HARDER because it’s all sooo personal to me 🥲

-strong empathy with this placement you naturally put yourself into others people shoes, want to take care of others and it just comes by instinct.

-people many call you super nice and your just talking LMAO. I have this placement in my 3rd house which is ruled by communication so it’s just natural for me to embody the placement when I’m talk.

-ex you can have this in the 7th house and your just super giving into any relationships kinda intense lol, 10th house people at work may see you as mother😋 (kidding) a nurturing person.

-a lot of passion, many people forget that cancer mars is a CARDINAL sign which means it’s easy for these people to fall into a leader position. we are go getters and can be a bit competitive.

Negatives🩶

-any conflict that we have is literally the end of the world. It’s feels like impending doom when I’m mad at someone because the only way I can control this is by crying 😭

- we hold grudges *sigh* , no but really it will take me so long to forgive someone and it’s hard to let go of that bitterness. Its just that we are so considerate so when someone does something we would never do it’s hard to let go of that situation.

-mood swings are there and other people can easily get affected by this as well. we can be fine and dandy then we think about something that hurt us from 5 months ago and then we get passive.

^im very self aware of this and I try not to let it happen and when it does I isolate myself

-most of our anger is directed towards family???😭 idk if it’s just me but my family tends to see the ugly side of this placement. no one’s ever seen me SUPER-mad except for my parents.

-does anyone else get HORRIBLE,UNBEARABLE periods?!? I feel like no one talks about this.

-AVOID CONFRONTATION like no other and then we wonder why we hold grudges cause WE DONT TALK IT OUT LMAO.

-it’s easy to get drained of tasks that your not emotionally invested in or see no future in. I can make a whole rant on how this affects my school life but that’s too much.*sigh*

Influential musicians 🩵

chester bennington(lead singer of linkin park) also had a cancer mars.(may he rest in peace🤍) A lot of rock and heavy metal musicians have cancer mars which is ironic because they put all that passion and emotion into their lyrics and singing.

-lana del rey is a cancer mars and I feel like she embodies this placement fully. even by her lyrics and just the way she talks.

IN CONCLUSION 🩵

-being a cancer mars has its ups and down and so many people pertain to its negatives. I believe that people with the fallen/detriment placements all naturally have their positives as well. it’s definitely a placement you have to live and learn by. I love this placement because it humbles me, gives me empathy and kindness ,but don’t cross us cause then we’ll reciprocate that rudeness 10x harder.

[jamminginspacw]

My shifting Attempt last night and how it changed my perspective. 🩵

I wanna start off by saying i didn’t not fully reach my DR. so if you’re one of those people who put people who have fully shifted on a pedestal then this is your heads up. :)

So pretty much all of yesterday i was focused on shifting, Throwing down as much info that i got from reddit and tumblr as i could. I attempted to shift during the day but eventually got bored and my family kept bothering me. But later that night i was like literally whatever- let me just try, i feel relaxed i feel good lemme just try. Here’s how it went.

♡︎

I first started off with a guided meditation then white noise then another guided meditation. I used the meditate, Intend and Pretend Guided meditation by Alunir. Normally i can’t really focus on guided meditations because my thoughts wander so much, but i had meditated several times that day so it wasn’t as bad. As i started the method i felt super relaxed, Like everything i did was effortless, I just stared into the abyss behind my eyelids and focused on my breathing.

Here’s when it started getting fun.

After a while I noticed all the muscles in my body were relaxed, But then as i thought this i remembered, why am i even focusing on my body right now? And then it kinda hit me and i finally let go of all the attachment i have to shifting.

“Well what do you mean you lost all attachment?” I mean just that. I lost all attachment i had to my DR because i realized No matter what my desired reality is never far from me and i always have it one way or another, weather that’s in the 4D or the 3D, It’s always with me even if i’m not thinking about it.

Well you may be thinking. Well what does that have anything to do with focusing on your CR body? Well in that moment when I caught myself focusing on the reality around me rather than the reality within, I let go. I stopped thinking at all, i let all thoughts come to me and stopped forcing myself to think or be aware of anything. And without even realizing it, My visualizations about my DR started coming to me, and not just like thinking about scenarios but it was as if i was staring at my DR bedroom ceiling, I could see everything. i could feel. i could hear, I couldn’t smell nor taste but i wasn’t fully there yet.

What i’m trying to say is I was seeing perfectly clear images through closed eyes. Here’s where it started getting a little frustrating though. (i’m laughing at it now but at the time i was pissed.) Every time i would have an effortless visualization apart of me would ground myself back to my CR and my body here. but every time this happened i just remembered to let go and continued to repeat “I am pure consciousness”

The closest i’ve felt in a long time.

The moment that really caught me and changed my perspective to everything is when i was simply focusing on my DR, My DR body, my bed there, how it smelt in my room, and mind you these thoughts came to me effortlessly. After a few seconds I felt myself begin to slip away. Like i was about to fall right though my bed. And at that moment the thought of my DR actually coming to me, Me waking up there after all these years, The thought of being so “Far away” from here scared the hell out of me for a moment and i immediately grounded myself here.

i’m sure some of you are aware of what i’m talking about. when you feel so close it’s like all of a sudden all the doubts you’ve had slip away and you realize you’re actually about to be somewhere else. it’s a scary feeling for those like me who are so attached to our CR (without realizing it sometimes)

You spend everyday scripting and writing fun scenarios and Maladaptive Daydream about your life there. Till you’re actually in bed slipping away from this reality and about to enter a new one. AND PLEASEEEEE BABIES IM NOT TRYING TO SCARE YOU. SHIFTING IS NOT SCARY. But the thought of being in a whole other reality is obviously something your brain needs to accept first. because it can be a little frighting.

Attachment and Detachment

To sum it all up, My perspective on reality changed last night. It made me realize i’m so much closer to my DR than i think. And attachment to my DR comes easily, But Detachment from my CR is a little harder, and i mean that in a sense of letting go of my fear of not being here.

Anyways i got nothing more to mumble about, happy shifting. Hope this helped in any way.

[ellieslaces]

so, since tlou2 is currently a little bit of a hot topic and becoming problematic, I want to share my standings on it! especially as i do write for Ellie and Abby (not currently as im on a break from that but in the future i will)

I know even tho TLOU is kinda problematic now (with druckman being a Zionist and all), I still love it and it holds a special place in my heart because it made me realize so many things about myself. this sounds so incredibly stupid, but Ellie (pt.2 Ellie duh) was my ‘bi awakening’. I never knew what it meant to look at another girl that way until I played tlou2.

it also became something to bond with my dad over (which I have a hard time bonding with him as we don’t get along). he told me to watch the show, I did. and then I played the games and now he’s playing the games. it’s a big circle and we can talk about it.

but also, the story just sticks close to me. I don’t think a day goes by when I don’t think about Joel and Ellie. Hell, I have an art piece of them on my wall which I got from an amazing artist online. they and their stories mean so much to me.

despite how much I love it though, it makes me sad and it makes me angry to see authors and creators and just people in general still not shutting the fuck up about it right now. the creators and people involved are ZIONISTS, they are pushing and supporting genocide. the murder of men, women, and children. I know TLOU series is an exceptional game series, but we need to make room for what’s important.

this past week during the strike, I was so angry and sad to see how many people still talked and wrote about these Zionist games. like, is fictional pussy more important than the lives of thousands upon thousands of people? children included in that? no, it’s not. it just makes me realize how people don’t understand what matters.

I know many will think my view on this is extreme, and it may be. but I don’t believe it is. I think, even though we love it, we should take a step back. we shouldn’t focus on fictional, pixel based characters, and on what matters.

I am fully aware that recently I posted a Leon Kennedy fic, but as I’ve previously stated, I have found no evidence of Capcom supporting Zionism. as well as the fact that the particular fic had taken me well over a month to write and it had been ages since I put out any form of writing. I did it because I wanted to and I waited for the conclusion of the strike out of respect.

However, the publication of any other works will be sporadic from now on. I will post a fic every now and again, but on the times when there is a call for a strike (like the upcoming March 2nd), I will be on strike. I will continue to post mostly about Palestine and raise awareness.

I want to focus on what’s important! As we all should. while I posted this, this is in no way a way to call anyone specific out. I see fics but I don’t remember who wrote them. I just want people to understand why we shouldn’t focus on pixels, but on the lives of real people.

From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free. 🇵🇸

[mrcarmenile]

another hazbin rant lmao im so sorry 😭😭 (this one is about alastor’s design and racial identity, specifically talking about alastor being mixed-race as a mixed person myself)

ik theres a lot of criticism about alastor’s design not properly representing his race, which is a valid concern but

firstly we haven’t gotten the whole show yet and we don’t know how well his character is actually portrayed - so accusing people like viv of being racist or that alastor is shit rep cannot really be properly backed up at this time

secondly alastor is mixed. we don’t know exactly what percentages or whatever, but we know that he is partially black, either half black or less than half black (considering that he is half creole). i see a lot of people saying “that is not a black man” “that’s such a white guy”

i am mixed race. i am not black, but i am half filipino and half white. i myself have been told that i’m too white, or that i’m not really asian, or that i’m not asian enough. my skin is too pale. my hair isn’t thick enough. my facial features aren’t “filipino” enough. i’m whitewashing myself.

i’m not dismissing white washing or bad representation at all - but since we’re, firstly, not sure how alastor is handled in the full show, and secondly, people are SAYING that he’s “not really black” or “not black enough”

mixed people receive this all the time. erasure of our racial identities, feeling like we don’t fit in anywhere because we /look different/. it really upsets me to see people make these comments. if you have your (respectful!) criticisms, then of course let them be known if you would like. spread awareness. but i advise you not to make comments like the ones i pointed out (they can be very invalidating to mixed-race people), and to keep an open mind for the full series - it may surprise you.

idk it just hurts to see another white passing mixed person getting their race entirely dismissed simply because they don’t look like someone who is fully that race, or other mixed people of that race. like ik alastor is fictional but it also makes me feel bad? mixed people look different, sometimes they fully pass as one race, sometimes they look somewhere in the middle - just please don’t make comments dismissing a mixed person’s race. i can understand wanting alastor to look more black, in fact i myself believe that he should have more black features, but. cmon - your words have meaning, even when directed at a fictional character - they affect real people too. these are comments that real people (including myself) receive, and it’s not fun.

[ also try not to speak over the people who are actually being represented (or possibly misrepresented) by alastor - i feel a connection with him as i am also a white-passing mixed-race aroace, but i try not to comment much on this specific topic because i am not creole or black. this is just my stance on how he is portrayed as a mixed person, and people’s responses to that. ]

thank you for coming to yet another ted talk, any racist or disrespectful people/comments will be deleted and blocked. much love <3

[glitchdollmemoria]

i think one of the most frustrating things for me regarding my own schizotypy is the difficulty with communicating. i cant tell if its gotten worse over time, or if im just becoming more aware of it as i learn more about my condition. its frustrating, because theres so much i want to say sometimes, and i just cant. i cant voice my thoughts succinctly. i cant explain whats going on in my head. i try to talk to people, and i get misunderstood, i get told that its hard to follow what im saying, or people draw the wrong conclusions.

and theres not anyone in this world who can magically decipher what im trying to communicate - not any friend, not my partner, not a doctor. no matter how loved i may be, no matter how much effort and compassion goes into any interaction with me, i will always have trouble being understood. unless theres some medication that can fix the wiring of my brain, and i doubt that given ive had schizotypal symptoms for as long as i can remember. even if i follow through on all my plans and i get married and have a fantastic life with my beautiful incredible wife and i have children i love and care for, i will always have a degree of separation between myself and my loved ones, and it makes me want to cry.

i can come to terms with magical thinking, i can learn to manage that. i can work to gain a better understanding of the patterns to help me recognize the differences between rational thought and delusion. i can bear the weight of knowing my perception is different from others, i can handle it, ive been catching onto it for years. i can even appreciate that my schizotypy gives me a unique sense of creativity. its a gift in some ways, even if its mostly a burden. but struggling to communicate, knowing ill never be fully understood, knowing im stuck in my own little bubble and even the people who love me the most are incapable of breaching it - that hurts. that hurts the most.

[audristarzz]

I've been feeling anxious and stressed with this whole kosa thing im trying not to panic but sometimes it feels like no matter what we do they wont listen to us i just saw a tiktok saying that their not even reading up on this bill which pisses me off more. And we are telling them time and time again to not pass kosa. I remember so many content creators were talking about the dangers of the kosa bill i remember it being talked everywhere and now it's just silence which confuses me why is no concerned about this bill did everyone just forget or just doesn't care anymore. This is just reminding me of the whole tiktok ban thing again but so many people online were talking about that but not kosa at all like this bill is going to affect everyone and then everyone will start panicking if it does pass when they could've spoken out about the bill. I'm sorry for the kinda long rant im just stressed anxious idk what to do i have been calling emailing whatever im just so tired i've been spreading info in my twiiter/x account and none of my mutuals seems to care i know people are focusing about what's going on in palestine congo sudan etc so am i but you focus on multiple things at once this bill can censor people talking about these countries too so it makes me really confused why there's barley anyone concerned about the censorship and online safety thing and the whole government id like literally no one of my mutuals care their just only liking posts about me retweeting stuff about palestine sudan and congo like what about the kosa bill it can censor us talking about israels war crimes hello people you should be concerned and make some noise about kosa. I'll try to distract myself i guess but it's hard not to worry i hope it doesn't immediately go to the house once it fully passes the senate since from my understanding only a committee passed it so it might pass the senate tomorrow or some shit idk. Im glad there's slightly more opposition in the house it gives me hope also do you think even if it does pass that it can be stopped with congressman and the government being sued i heard something about lawsuits in a few posts on here and twitter/x but again sorry for the long rant you can ignore if you want it is a long rant sorry lol.

hello!! don’t apologize for ranting I can understand why it’s very stressful and scary especially since it feels like you have nobody to talk to about this, it is infact a scary time for us right now with everyone going on but I’m very proud of you for spreading awareness about KOSA, I myself am trying to stay positive since there could be things that stop the bill (opposition, the possibility of it getting sued and the fact it’s harmful for lgbtq youth and unconstitutional as fuck) but I’ll admit it the anxiety and stress of it does get to me but I’m not going to give up and neither should you. I learned about KOSA a year ago and the reason why it’s just NOW getting to the senate is because we voiced our opposition, Evan Greer is a reliable source where I get my information and she does a lot to try to keep KOSA from passing. A reminder that KOSA tried to pass before in previous years but didn’t because there was so much opposition of it. Maxwell Frost, a representative opposes KOSA amongst others which is good, Once again, there is more opposition and skepticism about KOSA in the House than Senate. I know it’s scary and worrisome but please, don’t panic and if it gets to the point where it’s to much for your health take a step back from looking at updates for a minute. KOSA won’t go straight into effect after it’s voted to the Senate, and IF it passes it will take 18 months to go into effect depending on which state you’re in. But it’s not to that point yet, It has to get to the House which if we keep voicing our concern and opposition will not pass and then get signed to the president, which given everything that’s been going on in the presidential race, may be a bit tricky or take longer to get too. Senate goes into a break in August so I’ve heard so that gives us time to keep calling/ emailing and faxing. If you have any trusted adult I would recommend voicing your concerns to them, i myself am in a very much homophobic republican family (democratic state tho) and i felt hopeless for awhile since I had nobody to voice my concerns to but then I talked to my older cousin and it made me feel a lot better since she voted for Biden. Im not an expert when it comes to politics and this, I get my research from other amazing blogs on Tumblr, articles and Evan Greer since I don’t have any other social media platforms. But I hope I was able to bring some reassurance to you, if not I apologize but please do not give up because the silence is what’s going to get KOSA to pass, keep voicing your opposition, calling / faxing and emailing. It’s going to be okay and please do not panic, whatever happens tomorrow will be a step forward or back but regardless we can fight it and not let KOSA pass. You’re doing great Anon. 💗

[cawcawbeech]

SIX OF CROWS AND KISSING !!

(Welcome to this silly but intricate guide nobody asked for)

Just so everybody knows and is fully aware, I literally never kissed anybody in my whole damn life. I dont much care to try (for now) unless your name is Amita fucking Suman (jkjk, or not), but that doesnt mean I didnt do some very extensive research on the topic just so I can write what are hopefully non-generic scenes where all of my favorite characters make out till the following sunrise without a single other thought plaguing their empty little minds (exception being if the said thought is used to deepen 'the plot').

Before I say much else, I would like to note that THIS is just a very detailed bullet point list on kissing for all of my boys and girls separate of their partners assigned to them in canon or by the fandom. We will get to how it would actually go in different scenarios with different ships a bit later on if I decide it wont be a waste of my time. PS: No, not every kiss / kisser has to be extraordinary or unique or have whatever traits I ended up slapping on these characters here, Im just extra like that. And its not like anybody can stop me. Deal with it and simply enjoy (whatever this may be)!

→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→

JESPER LLEWELLYN FAHEY

Jesper has had his fair share of practice in this particular field, we all know it. That is no reason to say that he is a perfect kisser, there are many who have done way more, constantly brag about it, and yet still leave you disappointed. But, this is Jesper we are talking about. Kuwei has said that he is a great kisser too, I choose to trust him on that. That joke he made to cheer up Wylan at Olendaal, the one about kissing Nina / Matthias 'with tongue', it doesnt have to mean anything, but I like to think he is a tongue kind of guy. I also like to think that he is adaptable to any type of person though, he aims to please through-and-through. It saddens me to look deeper, to think about how that may be a result of his low self-esteem, but in moments like these, it makes him happy most of the time, and it is all I could hope for when it comes to my boy.

The first relationship he had been a witness to, the one his mother and father shared before her death, had been a very healthy one. I wouldnt call Colm the perfect father, certainly not after his wife was gone, albeit he is significantly better compared to the hands the rest of our favourite characters have been dealth with, but he was good to Aditi. Most kids, including myself, were the type to be grossed out by PDA, especially when its between their parents, and while thats not in any way a bad thing, we can clearly see that Jesper was not of that type.

Despite his many faults, he was raised fairly well. He knows how to make a comfortable environment, to recognize a clear invitation, what to ask and what not to ask, what is acceptable and what he shouldnt do without a more in-depth discussion. He knows how to create and opportunity where one could deny him if they so wished. I wouldnt say its some overly high bar to jump over, if anything it is the most basic standard any and all should hold themselves to, but I call Jesper 'the consent king' for a reason.

Its said in the book that his mind empties when he kisses the right person, that thinking of methaphors clearly means something is wrong, but hes still pretty descriptive in his POVs if you ask me. Its also very clear that he likes to kiss deep, slow, and involve other sensations throughout which is the part where Id like to include some of my very own hcs (slight temperature / texture play where he drags his rings over skin, hair pulling is a given but I can see him also liking to touch peoples ears a lot, talking in between and whispering during the few subtly initiated pauses, etc). Jespers favourite type of kiss would probably be those he iniciates as soon as he wakes up in the morning. It rains often in Ketterdam, its normal, so he would also probably be one of the rare creatures among the regular Kerch citizens who finds kissing in the rain romantic.

KAZ BREKKER (RIETVELD)

Kaz will have to go through some major healing first, no doubts about that, but Id say he would probably be one of the elite members of the 'Im keeping my eyes open for this' club (until he isnt). I doubt he does much analyzing during, mentally he is on another planet thats probably many lightyears away as he tends to do with a lot of other even remotely intimate things, but theres lots of squinting, eyelid fluttering... Kaz is basically a personafication of that cliche 'when did I close them' quote. In my own experience, I can barely hold eye contact when talking, but I dont really see this as a bad trait. I also dont see it as a trauma response either like some would assume it would be for Kaz, I think its just a him thing. If this man didnt want to kiss somebody, you would not be kissing him, end of.

He likes to focus on teeth, whether by unconsciously (or consciously) biting his partner, having your teeth bump into each other, or licking his own after youre done. Theres lots of shuddering, youll feel him there more than youll hear him, but he is not completely silent either. I dont think he would like beeing cornered, picked up or lifted in any way except on very rare occasions. Just like the pulse thing where he feels for it on the wrist (or neck once he is more comfortable), feeling his weight including the pain of his leg serves to ground him. Perhaps he might also like feeling of you breathing through your nose on his face for the same reasons? He doesnt like leaving things unfinished, even if its just a peck, he will make sure it feels 'complete', I dont know how else to put it. If anybody could overuse the words "Again?", it would be Kaz motherfucking Brekker.

Im in no way saying he will be good, in fact, theres lots of traits here that many wouldnt like, but he tries when he wants to (and again, you would not be kissing this man if he didnt want it), he will learn and he will remember the smallest of details (so that he can ponder over them later). The only thing we hear about Kazs appearance related to his mouth is that there is a scar running through his upper lip. I never got it when people talked about kisses having a taste, but Kaz seems to often call people light-weight, so clearly, he handles his alcohol well, perhaps having developed such a habit to settle down his own supposedly non-existent nerves. It might not be the main reason, we heard about him being on the receiving end of many fights that in certain circumstances and with the ways they are handled lead to similar results, but liquor does leave one dehydrated and with chapped lips.

WYLAN VAN ECK (HENDRIKS)

Unless he is particulary fired up, Wylan likes to start slow and chaste no matter if you are the first, the thousanth person he has kissed or just a person he has kissed a thousand times. Unlike Kaz, he has some experience, sheltered kids know how to have fun in secret (and Im the last person who would ignore that 'lie' about him being kicked out for bedding the tutor, theres some truth to everything), but he is also nowhere near the level of Jesper or Nina or Matthias. We know he likes when his partner feels calm and like they are actually in their body before he goes in for the kill, we saw it with Jesper, but we also see that he isnt the type who needs to ask every time and will just do it when 'the time feels right'. Look out, he just might squeeze into your shirt while youre wearing it and do a makeshift 'surprise attack' from there if he is determined enough for it.

From that, we could say he might have some other habits, including but not limited to the familiar one of guiding his partner through breathing patterns. Maybe sometimes he likes to hold onto your forearms more tightly than necessary (not forcefully though), have your knees touch and bump into one another, straighten his own / your items of clothing, compare hand sizes while making weirdly-intense eye contact, use his thumb to subtly rub at a random tensed muscle, touch foreheads if he is tall enough or rub his face along the side of your neck, anything that would focus your attention to him and the moment... Ironically, as a follow up to the last point and as the kiss drags on, he forgets that he is an actual person who has a weight to them and has to lean back against something with the help of his partner before he falls down and cracks his goddamn skull open.

He likes to leave an effect on whoever he is kissing, but he also likes to 'clean up after himself' as much as possible after its done, which once again serves to bring both of you back down. So yeah, he would probably do something like twirling a stay peace of hair around his finger before neatly tucking it back in place, running that same finger across a brow, down the nose or along the jawline, nudging you playfully with his shoulder, hips or elbows, swaying a bit to slowly return the atmosphere back to relaxed as he secretely links your pinky fingers together. Lips would be his main focus, and he especially likes the soothing effect it has when he is sleepy, but he could also grow to like eyelid, nose, tummy or thigh kisses when it comes to placement.

INEJ GHAFA

Inej has had many men kiss her throughout her life, and unfortunately, theres no need to debate whether she truly enjoyed any of them. Oh how I would love to say that every shitty person is also shit at every other skill they try to master, however, that doesnt have to be the case. The fact that she was a brothel girl doesnt have to mean all of her kisses were bad (to specify, that refers to the technique). That being said, I think she would appreciate the message more than the way its done. It also might result in her not exactly caring about the placement of a kiss, palm, knuckles, hair, cheek, neck, lips, any of them would be equally as intimate to her, platonic or otherwise. Its somewhat similar to what Wylan also likes, but very different too once you look further.

As is with Kaz, you would not be kissing the Inej we know now unless she didnt want you to. I probably should have said this earlier, no, I dont mean that any of the other Crows would enjoy a kiss that was not what they wanted, they wouldnt ignore the signs and will fight the person off if needed, but I hope you understand why Im emphasizing it for these two in particular. I think her kisses would be short, but sweet, a petite little package that can deliver a punch under a right set of conditions, just like she can, the same going for her ship. Physically, we know her lips have an upturn to their shape. As is true with alcohol, salt water has the same drying effect that is only made worse by licking.

One other feature that might make Inejs kisses unique is a possibility of her aquiring more jewellery during her travels. I always imagined that the Suli find piercings to be very meaningful. Perhaps she had some since a very young age, perhaps they were taken from her too during her time at the Menagerie, maybe the holes closed naturally over the long months, maybe she got more whilst working for Kaz, and although it was not put there for such a reason, a lip ring (just as an example) has quite a pleasing effect for either side.

She holds a special appreciation for people who remember their first kiss, or at least remember their first kiss with her, a courtesy she will offer in return as well. It takes special kind of brave to get close (she knows better than most) and never lets the feat of overcoming fear go unappreciated. For some reason, I can see her counting the seconds, not for any reason at all. I wouldnt say its something particulary good nor bad, but Inej doesnt give me the 'let me kiss your words away' signals no matter the situation. The phrases that would fit more would be "We will get through this", "Stay strong, for you", "Lets face it together" or "We shall see each other once more". She seems like the type to keep her affairs secret, but at the end of the day, I also dont think she would mind PDA all that much.

KUWEI YUL-BO

I know the fandom likes to joke that Kuwei is the bad kisser between the two, seeing as to how Jesper was left 'disappointed' even before knowing the truth behind who he was actually kissing... But I dont think that had to do much with the kiss itself. We were told that Jesper liked Kuweis body plenty enough, but even if it were really Wylan (both in shape and spirit), Jesper wasnt in the right space, and Kuweis silence and mannerisms didnt do much to help.

Now, this is a personal headcanon, but one of the habits I think he might pick up in the Little Palace would be scratching his nose or covering his mouth before he goes in for a kiss. Or well, I like to imagine that being his tell among all the snarky comebacks, vicious flirting and sly glances. And seeing as to how playful he is with his powers and how much he grows to use them for mischief and otherwise in KOS, I like to think that his face is always warm to the touch as Kuwei himself is constantly touching it. Random instert, this man unironically likes lemons and you will without a doubt taste quite an assortment of teas while with him.

Some people care about the emotional setting, some like keeping it casual, and some like having that perfect mix of both. Kuwei might acknowledge that in different ways and act accordingly, but I also think he might care more about the physical setting and connect good actions with places rather than specific people or mutual feelings. This man is a certified tease, unless you pull him towards you which is exactly what he wants, he is 100%, absolutely ready to keep a partner on the edge of their seat, kiss the corner of their mouth, or maybe with the lips barely touching. Instead of licking his own lips out of habit or to seduce, he would lick yours. Kuwei being a tease might also be a way for him to set up walls? In a sense that hes reminding both himself and the person hes kissing that this is just a kiss and it doesnt mean anything. And when hes kissed by someone he loves and trusts, hes downright pathetic, super soft and annoyingly sweet about it.

I dont know where else to put it so it will have to be here, but I like to think he chewed on his lips a lot as a child and whilst in captivity, leaving him with barely visible indents once he reached adulthood. When it comes to the type, Id say he could end up enjoying goodnight kisses next to the fireplace or lit by the flame in his own hand more than he would like doing anything in the early morning. Kuwei tends to get frustrated and bored easily so that might lead to certain effects as well, more specifically the speed, angle and desperation. He has hid for long enough and doesnt much care about who sees what, only whether they got a nice view from wherever they were standing at the time.

NINA ZENIK

Nina has practiced CPR from a very young age (I wouldnt call any of those a true kiss by any means, but it will make slightly more sense in just a moment), we see her perform one on Kaz in the books without hesitation, so I doubt her first 'kiss' was particularly enjoyable or wholly consentual or that she even remembers it. Perhaps from that, her kisses would grow to be particulary breathy in the future, although that doesnt mean its some kind of rule or that its not just a result of her personality being put into how she goes about it. We already know temple kisses are her thing among some other stuff, but she also doesnt seem to have a similar kind of bond with any other type that is not at neck level or above. Shes fine with them, but always seems to go to certain spots herself when she has a choice, singing and laughing through all of it. As Matthias tends to say a lot, the chase is a game to her, whether on top or beneath, she still wins.

Her skin is said to be soft, and supposedly so are her lips, plus the girl is a Heartrender and that surely results in many privileges. Surprisingly enough, I wouldnt say she is particularly experienced in the world of romance, even if her talent at sweet-talking might suggest otherwise. Perhaps shes had flings, one or two, maybe even a relationship at some point, but I dont see much more in my visions of her backstory. "Dont you want to play with me?" and "Cant you handle it?" are some of the repeating phrases in her vocabulary, but oh, it only gets worse once she feels well and truly romanced, swept off her feet as one might say, and that takes lots of effort. Its a good thing we know Nina has some high expectations, that way all of us can be her personal wingmen.

If anybody could obtain the famous movie achievement of leaving a string of saliva to connect her lips with her partners for just a few more moments, it would be Nina. Speaking of such things, she may also be the only one for who the 'let me kiss you against this wall so that they dont spot us' scenario might actually work (in theory), or at least give her enough time to incapacitate them during their confusion since she tends to be quite loud appearance wise. Likes being attended to and coddled, and no kiss has a chance without a firm grab or two. Will die if you do a tango dip with her in your arms. She is one of the biggest fans of mistletoes and finds it extremely romantic. Sometimes, when she is invited to watch a play or show, she will turn around and kiss her partner whenever the actors do. "Consider me madly in love. With the kisses, not you. ... But maybe also you if you did it again."

MATTHIAS BENEDIK HELVAR

And finally, we have our romantic-at-heart of the group, Matthias. Now, his and Ninas romance is the most obvious and out-in-the-open throughout the whole duology, and frankly he is the one I had the most trouble with writing, but the difference between seeing their first kiss from Ninas perspective and the one of Matthias is that theirs was his first kiss ever. All of his actions leading up to it, as well as those after, are a promise in some way or another, and Im not only talking about his vow to her. Nothing could have prepared me for when he lifted Nina straight off her feet and held her there as he kissed her, yet it was also the most in-character thing he ever could have done.

Matthias will absolutely, every time, start an hour long conversation on what led him to this moment, if it is the right time, the right place, the right everything... He will continue up until he himself is basically internally shouting at his own mouth to shut itself (he has very low patience despite everything mentioned above) or his partner takes the initiative themselves. The second option is prefered by both parties and a 5-star whine is the expected plus-one to excellent service. He is the type to gulp when you get too close. Will go mad if you can tell when he is holding on by a thread despite his lack of many facial expressions, especially if told something along the lines of "Just lose control, love".

He is particularly sensitive for textures. All humans are to some extent, the lips have more nerve endings in them than fingertips, but Matthias is the one who is fullfilled by it the most and frequently says stuff related to it like "Are you wearing chapstick?" or "I can feel the dip of your scar". Often acknowledges indirect kisses. Matthias has once said that kissing isnt about romance, that it should be proper and only done as a follow up to a conventional Fjerdan courtship, and while lots about him has changed during his canonical relationship with Nina, I think he might still enjoy going through at least some of these with somebody who might appreciate his efforts. Matthias is still highly religious even if he is now seeing the world from another perspective and there are some cultural things that for him go deeper than just tradition. In a very specific headcanon of mine, he has grown up fantasizing about having to lift up your chin to do it, and so now he does so even with taller partners who can reach his mouth just fine.

He would 100% take the 'Will you love me if I was a worm' jokes way too seriously. "How am I supposed to handle a worm? I could hold a butterfly, maybe kiss you if you were a wolf (but thats after a very extensive inspection of your molars)". Kisses the back of your neck after putting on a necklace. Pretends that lipstick stains dont turn him on to the highest setting.

→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→

[only-omo]

ok but something ive never heard anybody talk abt ever and they should

tourettes omo

or at least tics, i understand why it may be a touchy subject bc awareness and stuff but like as someone with tourettes can i just say

i get bladder tics

and theyre luckily on the rarer side but like, it is literally ill just be doing stuff and then essentially suddenly either actually just wetting myself, or so ungodly close to it as im fighting the waves of desperation accompanying the muscle spasms and its

actually crazy

but like could you imagine your fc who has ts or some other tic syndrome (ts au ? medication ? idk man) and theyre hanging out with friends just doing whatever or something like that, and basically they just start wetting themselves out of nowhere, leading to prying questions (good naturedly or not) about why they didnt go if they had to that badly

maybe theyre peeshy and this kind of thing is semi normal already; or they arent, and they then have to delve into explanations on the fact that either they didnt know/didnt have to go, met with varying degrees of belief, or that they did know, but they also were certain it wasnt near close to bad enough to have an accident yet, and maybe through rambling even admitting straight up that they literally just pissed themselves regardless of need.

or if they didnt even wet fully, anywhere from a rather messy leak that they cant hide, similar to above; to one thats smaller and less obvious, but maybe they freeze up in a really conspicuous way, still bringing attention to themselves, and maybe they suck at playing it off, or just have really pushy/concerned friends, or both, so they end up still having to admit to just having peed themselves a little, despite there being no immediately visble/no visible damage, and then try to explain that they arent in desperate need of a bathroom despite that

or maybe they are. maybe now their body is confused and theyre teetering on the edge of a full accident all of a sudden. and of course theres the constant worry nagging in the back of their head that theyll tic again and lose it the rest of the way, but also trying not to think about it for fear that focusing on it too much will make it happen, which is an entirely real possibility

not to mention any tics that arent actually their bladder, but help just as little, for instance, i get vocal tics but they arent often real words, so like,, invlountary whines and groans that have nothing to do with anything but sound so desperate, paired with jerky/restless movements that arent a real potty dance but at this point only the one ticking themselves can tell the difference; which doesnt matter much in the end anyway, as theres still a real chance theyll wet regardless

or someone who is actually rather desperate, and theyre trying to play it off for one reason or another, but despite their control in terms of potty dancing, they continually lose focus on their tics, which eventually simulate the same thing, and they keep drawing attention to themselves anyway

the absolute confusion and misdirection it causes for everyone else because no one can ever tell when they actually have to go, and eventually they learn that it doesnt really matter if their bladder isnt already completely empty (which only really lasts for like 5 min after using the bathroom if that, so)

[the-s1lly-corner]

Attention TADC fans!

I'm officially opening requests for characters! Below the cut will be my base list of rules in regards to requesting and that sort of thing!

To everyone who followed me for creepypasta, do not fret! Creepypasta is still this blogs default and I'm not going to stop writing it for the forseeable future, I will still be responding to creepypasta based asked in the meantime

oh also, im adding this right before i post this but i do have fluff alphabet requests open for creepypasta, but to my TADC fans, how do you guys feel about the possibility of me reposting that list and letting you guys ask for it? im still kinda itching to do alphabet stuff... let me know ! ill probably do it anyways but i want yalls input!

without further delay:

RULES:

please do not spam requests, i know it will be hard to enforce this on my end since i want to keep anon enabled since i know it can be intimidating to ask for stuff non-anonymously

since the main cast + caine only totals to 7 characters i will allow people to request the entire cast in any given request, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE that the more characters the shorter their list of hcs will be

please do not pester me to answer your request, i will very likely answer your initial ask. consistent breaking of this boundary will result in warning, and if further boundary breaking takes place, the request will be terminated

^SHOULD NOTE! sometimes tumblr eats the requests you guys send in so simply asking if your request made it through is 100% totally fine!! I'm specifically talking about people who try to pressure me to answer sooner, I want to make that clear because I do not want to discourage anyone from reaching out about that sort of thing

Reader is GN by default, you can request a specific gender but know it likely wont be important due to my writing style

WILL WRITE:

SFW, angst, comfort, hcs, short imagines and scenarios!

As mentioned I will do all characters, asides Bubble since I don't think there's much that can be done for them

Poly, LGBT, readers with disabilities and/or disorders (will let it be known here that i am in no way well versed in every disability/disorder, however i will attempt to do basic research for the request)

I am also comfortable with writing platonic requests and found family dynamics! I am not limiting myself and you guys to romantic stuff!

reader abstracting, while this may seem contradictory to some of the things in my will not write segment I have written about grief and loss before and I don't think it fully fits the category of what I won't write + death in general, so it shall get a pass

really there isnt much i will turn down that comes to mind, if something is breaching a line or making me uncomfortable i will let you know

reader inserts, ocs, and the like are all welcome here! im not too confident with oc x character stuff due to the simple fact that i fear i may interpret your oc wrong but i am still willing to try!

WILL NOT WRITE:

general problematic stuff is an immediate no

^so like, straight up abuse and abuse adjacent topics since as far as Im aware all the characters in TADC are adults (if I have that wrong please please correct me!!)

i am also iffy on yandere requests, this one is more on a case by case basis so please be sure to specify the intensity of it, since that will really be a make or break for whether or not if the request is accepted

NSFW, this blog is for the most part SFW. I occasionally vague certain aspects, however nothing is ever explicit. That's how far I'm willing to go with these things and I want to keep it that way

Full fledged fanfics; a lot of my scenarios/imagines tend to border on that just on a much shorter scale and in a slightly different format, but I am not totally confident in my ability to write proper fics :(

no graphic depictions of gore or self harm, and i ask that you keep that out of my inbox in general. topics like SH are allowed, however covering requests for the act of it as its happening is an automatic no (IE if you ask me to walk in on a character walking in during an act of self harm), the same applies to suicide

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

i have a nasty habit of not proofreading my stuff, so grammar and spelling mistakes are bound to happen unfortunately. this tends to be a worse issue when im posting on mobile (which i am doing less and less since i like typing on a keyboard more)

^ on top of that i struggle with writing, english is my first language but i have a hard time getting stuff out right on top of having dyslexia so please be patient

i typically tend to respond to requests fairly fast, typically within a day or two, though i do have some periods where it may take longer. (possible) same day delivery YAHOO!!

back to a forewarning, i have a habit of rambling and adding additional ideas and concepts into a request though for the most part i think i remain on topic (that just means you get a little extra content for your request ueueue)

[daughterofnoridoorman]

how does my uzi kintype affects a my identities, alterhuman and lgbt? the reason i love murder drones is because of the way the characters are portrayed. for example, n is more than just the dangerous-but-nice golden retriever. he is too nice for his own good, and by existing he goes against his designed purpose. being kind hurt him, and even though he seems fully aware of that he doesn't stop. this also applies to uzi- she's more than the angsty chosen one teenager. there are so many layers to her personality, which makes it pretty difficult to put a pin on the way that having her as a kintype affects me spoiler alert and mentions of su1cide+v1olence!

1- hooded crow theriotype in home, uzi "hacks" the mind of n (and also v's mind too. whatever) to prevent their memories from being wiped. during this, she takes the form of a hooded crow with the username 'darkxwolf17'. when i took this into consideration, i realized why my crow theriotype was so weird. i felt like a person in a crow's body, not a crow in a human's body, which is how i usually feel with my theriotypes. but being darkxwolf17, NOT a crow made so much more sense. it explained why i got bird shifts even though i didnt feel like a bird, why i felt that way, why i always wanted to make nests despite not wanting eggs. i am the body of a hooded crow, not the crow itself.

2- absolutesolver kin (violence warning) (note; when i refer to the solver, i am referring to the virus itself. not cyn, not yeva, not nori, not doll, not uzi. THE solver. not its hosts.) even though uzi neutralized the absolutesolver, it still 'lives' on in her programming. and it is a separate entity from uzi. in my mind, the absolutesolver represents intrusive, violent thoughts. that definition fits both the way i've come to see it and the canon. as someone who has struggled with intrusive thoughts for years, i've learned not to feel too much shame about them. in my experience, that only makes them worse. i know that it's not my fault i cannot control my thoughts, and i wont beat myself up about it anymore. this may sound like the thing your elementary school teacher would say if you got in a fight, but i may not be able to control my thoughts, but what i can control is whether i react to them or not. that's what uzi did. she learned how to block the absolutesolver from her mind. how to take control of what it gave her without it taking control of her. 3- monsterkin (suicide and violence warning) i am vampirekin and demonkin. for the sake of convinience, i will say 'monsterkin' and use it as a general term when i am talking about both of these identities. in cabin fever, uzi transforms into a 'monster' when she does not consume enough oil to keep herself from overheating. in my case, the consuming oil part is like seeking validation. i have always needed validation, but more than usual. i have tried too hard to be noticed and congratulated, but it never worked. and then, the overheating is like suicidal thoughts. without validation, i start to become suicidal. i need high amounts of validation to stay in a 'normal' mental state. uzi's classmates treated her as a monster, even before she transformed. just for being herself. as someone who is a queer alterhuman and has known that from a young age, this has really resonated with me. for just existing, i am a monster. a creature of sin. the subtle homophobia and transphobia i recieved from my closest friend, combined with the same hatred towards alterhumanity from even more people before i was even ten really messed me up. the way cabin fever is written just really connects to me. uzi's already so fucked up, she doesnt need another factor ruining up her life. but it does it anyways. she's proven to everyone how she's a monster. (im not elaborating for personal reasons) the fact that uzi's classmates at the end of absolute end didnt really care that much just really helps me feel better. they didnt care. why would my classmates care? 4- gender and sexuality before i even knew girls could kiss girls, i liked girls. in particular, i liked people i had a friendship with. however, my friendships were very messed up and i fell in love with anyone my age who could treat me with decent respect. i headcanon uzi as bi, and i didnt understand why (other than the doc martens) until i connected the dots that im uzi. i am bisexual. maybe? and theres also referring to v as hot at ep 8 so... angsty bi queen uzi but, although me, the almalgamation of kintypes and names that i am, the uzi part of me always feels bisexual. always. when i think of myself as uzi, i can only see myself as demisexual-bisexual and demiromantic-biromantic. this also applies to gender- i am an axenlector user. i collect xenogenders. i am cottoncandygender, i am gendersky, i am gummisharkgender, i am starricattic. i am more genders than i can count. and i dont care honestly. but once again, when i really connect to uzi, i can only see myself as feminine. this does vary from demigirl to rosegirl to just girl. 5- notes and stuff! well, thanks for reading all the way through! a like, reblog, or follow would be awesome! every time i referred to uzi as someone else it was like "why r u talking abt urself in third person! YOU ARE UZI DOORMAN!" but alas, i must differentiate between myself and my kintypes,,, maybe one day i will not have to,,, please tell me im not the only one kkkkkkkkk

[balanceoflightanddark]

Well... I don't think that Azula hallucinating Ursa is her first hallucination.

Her reaction is slight initial surprise but then she's immeadiatley just ... annoyed. She isn't shocked or freaked out at all. It's like she's used to it. She talks to the hallucination as if it was just another day. Then she smashes the mirror, like she is fully accquainted with the fact that this isn't real.

That's not the reaction of someone who sees and hears their lost mother for the first time. No way.

(Ofc some people don't like to headcannon in this direction of her having long-lasting mental illness and prefer to think it was just a single breakdown. Which I get and is super fine).

Just thought, objectively looking at the scene, there's no freaking way this was her first hallucination.

It looks like she's been dealing with this for quite some time. And surely alone. She couldn't show weakness to Ozai. And I don't think the royal palace is big on mental health.

;

Headcanon that fits this:

Despite Azula's betrayal of Ozai (lying to him, failing him etc.), he still planned to keep using her because... that's what narcissists do. They use you as long as you can be used. And Azula is super useful! Why would he throw her away after all she did for him? When she is still so desperate for his "love"? When she could still be so very useful to him?

He wanted to keep using her, but when he saw Azula starting to "lose her mind", he decided to ditch her.

Iroh: "She's crazy and she needs to go down"

Ozai: "She's crazy... gotta ditch her. (...) Better give her the throne she never wanted so she doesn't kill me. Lmao if she turns on me im dead this bitch has blue fire, killed the avatar and conquered Ba Sing Se. She different. I still can't read maps and fire only comes out when angry"

...okay. Let me just preface this with saying that Ozai's last sentence is hilarious, is completely in-character, and should be framed.

I should also say that...since we're gonna be going into territory which is a bit of a sore subject for myself, whatever I say is not an attempt to tear you down. I do not believe in that and will try to keep this as levelheaded as possible.

With that said, while I certainly respect your opinion on Azula...I still don't believe that she has a mental illness that results in recurring hallucinations. We only have the one scene and there's only so much we can get from that. And I certainly don't think we should base everything we know of a character over their worst and lowest moment. I know because...I was guilty of that with Zuko.

But I digress.

This masterpost belongs to my dear friend @prying-pandora666 who goes into quite a bit of detail concerning Azula and mental health if you're interested. But the crux of it is, when looking at it from the lens of a professional, we don't have any evidence that Azula was mentally ill. Does that mean she wasn't? No. Of course not. It's just we don't have too much onscreen evidence to make a definitive conclusion.

And even if Azula was mentally ill (I don't think she was and was probably suffering from a mental breakdown), one should be careful to make sure it's not overemphasized to the detriment of her upbringing and Ozai's bullshit. After all, even the best kid wouldn't last too long under his parentage without getting SOME kind of trauma.

As for your headcanon, I don't necessarily believe Ozai was aware of Azula's deteriorating mental state. She didn't show any signs of it initially and he left before things got really bad. In this case though, I'd pin the blame more on Ozai's lack of focus on Book 3. Is it possible he saw the signs? Yeah, and I can believe that. Doesn't make him any less of a scumbag for abandoning her. I'd argue it makes him even worse since he left her when she needed him most after years of presenting himself as the only stable adult figure in her life.

And as a quick aside, can please stop using the "crazy and needs to go down" quote as evidence? Eshasz and Greg Baldwin both said that Iroh was in the wrong there for saying that.

...sorry. I have autism which can be constituted as a mental illness, so I get a little bit tender when discussing this. There's nothing inherently wrong with Azula being mentally ill like so many would say and you're completely within your right to believe she is. My personal advice would be to just...be careful is all. Treat Azula as a person instead of a mental illness, never try to give people the wrong idea about mental illnesses or misdiagnosing characters (especially minors) and you'll be fine.

[lexa-griffins]

Quiet, shy Lexa uses Halloween as an excuse to finally come out of her shell and wear a slutty costume to a party where she meets Clarke

Lexa has been avoiding parties since freshman year of college. She finds no value to dancing drunk people grinding on each other as they try to get lucky. Not to mention the hallowen version of that, a thin excuse to wear as little as possible and have it be socially acceptable, all to have sex with someone you night not even recognize the next day.

And yet, here she is, standing at the doorstep of the biggest mixed frat on campus, wearing what might be the sluttiest woodland fairy costume she could have find.

Its her last year of college, fuck it!

She wanders for a good hour and, as she suspected, she absolutely hates it here. She has swatted about four hands away from her ass and has had one very friendly conversation with a girl suddenly turn into a near fingering ride she did not sign up for.

She's outside by the bushes, questioning if she should leave or not after she finishes her drink when someone sneaks up behind her.

"Not many bushes for the garden fairy to hang out by inside?" The voice is right by her hear and makes Lexa startle, "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you there."

Lexa turns to face Clarke Griffin. Fratgirl extraordinaire, she is also a senior and president of the frat. They have barely spoken despite sharing many classes and being dorm neighbors for a whole year. Lexa finds her beyond hot, sparkling blue eyes and an easy smile. And right now she wears a firefighter costume with a simple black bikini top covering her chest, contrasting with the yellow baggy pants and helmet on her head. Despite the softness of her stomach Lexa has seen her at the gym and knows there is a hardness below it.

"Shouldn't you be inside entertaining guests." Lexa comments, motioning inside where the music is booming.

Loud cheering comes from inside as the vague image of someone being given a lapdance can be seen.

"They seem plenty entertainted to me." Clarke smiles, "you however do not. I dont think ive ever seen you at one of these."

Lexa shakes her head with a closed smile, "Not really my thing."

"And yet here you are. Looking really good if I may add." Her words slur just a bit and Lexa can tell she is a few drops past drunk.

"Thank you. You look..." Lexa tries to think of a word that isnt /sexy/ or /hot/, "very authentic too."

Clarke flashes her a bright smile at that and Lexa can feel her legs shake and her heart beating faster.

"Thanks! You're Lexa right?"

Lexa nods, her smile growing slightly bigger at the fact Clarke knows her name.

"Im Clarke." The girl introduces herself and Lexa has to hold back a chuckle. Who /doesn't/ know who Clarke is.

"I know who you are Clarke, everyone does."

Clarke seems almost bashful at this, bringing her hand to sctrach the back of her head, "eh, I mean you always seemed to not really care who i was so I thought id introduce myself."

Lexa's heart flutters again but she says nothing.

"So why did you decide to come this time?"

Lexa shrugs "its our last year of college and I thought I might as well pretend I had some fun. Even if I'd rather stay behind this bush all night than go back inside.

Clarke chuckles, a low and deep chuckle that makes Lexa feel something tingle between her legs.

They stare at each other for a minute, and Lexa is hyper aware of Clarke eyeing her costume - or lack the off - fully. She has to admit it looks great on her. The fake leaves that make up the bra give her a wonderful lift and the skirt in so short it could classify as a belt. She made a point of adding some glitter to her skin that shines now underneath the low light of the patio.

"That costume looks so fucking good on you." Clarke comments once more, eyes hodded as she stares at Lexa's body.

"Youre drunk." Lexa states although she cant deny how Clarke's stare is affecting her.

"So are you. Your words are more loose, youre ususally so uptight when you talk."

Lexa stares down at her cup, already empty. Maybe she has had one too many.

When she looks back up, Clarke is right in front of her, her chest touching her. Lexa closes her legs firmly, feeling herself growing wetter. She shouldnt.

"You're so hot. The beautiful kind of hot."

Suddenly Lexa feels something poke her. Looking down, she can see Clarke's pants have become a tent

"Clarke...."

She can feels Clarke's breath on her face, her hand on her hip. Their lips inches away.

"Tell me to stop and I will." Clarke whispers.

Lexa closes the gap.

She feels so fucking free right now.

She throws her arms around Clarke, pulling her closer to her. Almost immediately Clarke's hands find her ass, using it as leverage to hold Lexa up into her arms.

"Fuck, I knew you were strong." Lexa moans as she wraps her legs around Clarke's waist.

Clarke chuckles, cocky, before slamming their lips together once more.

"Wanna see strong?" Clarke asks with a smirk and Lexa nods rapidly. Quickly the shorts she wore below her skirt are gone, her wet cunt bare to the autumn air. The sound of clothings hitting the floor follow it and she feels Clarke's hard cock against her.

"Take a deep breath my little fairy, im gonna make you soar."

The colors of the lights coming from inside the house all blur into one as Clarke slams her dick inside of Lexa repeatedly, the shorter girl somehow able to move her hips upwards and she moves Lexa up and down on her dick.

Its sloppy and fast but the thrill of being sressed up and being a bush while a party happens so close by is enough excitment to leave Lexa close to the edge rather fast.

"Ah, Clarke, im gonna cum!" Lexa moans in Clarke's ear, probably louder than she should have, but the loud music muffles her moans.

"Fuck, me too baby, im so close."

With one last thrust Clarke buries herself inside of Lexa fully, cumming hard inside. Lexa locks her legs with as much strength as she can manage around Clarke's waist, bringing them impossible close and sending Lexa over the edge.

"Clarke? You're here?!" The sudden voice alerts the two girls someone is close. Without much time to react, Lexa hops off Clarke in search of her shorts. She slides them on, realizing just as they are in place she is still filled with Clarke's cum. Shit.

"Oh, there you are." It's Octavia, one of Clarke's frat friends, "who's this?"

Lexa looks up to see Clarke fully dressed as if nothing had happened while Lexa shifts on her feet, feeling Clarke's cum drip on to her shorts. Fuck.

"Oh this is Lexa, we have a few classes together." Clarke says casually, "She was about to head out so I was just saying bye to her."

Lexa nods at Clarke's excuse, glad she's giving her an outing given her... state.

"Yeah, sorry. These just arent really my thing." Lexa apologizes, voice somehow steady.

After some quick goodbyes, Clarke accompanies Lexa to the front. As Lexa gives her a polite goodbye, Clarke grabs her hand, forcing Lexa to turn around. They are once again face to face.

With a roll of eyes and a smile, Lexa closes the gap between them again.

"Dont be stranger." Clarke whispers as they pull away, a hand finding Lexa's core from behind and pressing on it, feeling the wetness she created gather between her legs.

Lexa moans softly before pulling away with a shy smile.

"I'll see you Clarke."

She still doesnt like frat parties. But oh doesnt she looove that frat girl.

[etherealspacejelly]

i've sent an ask before about self-diagnosed autism and whether or not it's valid (i would link it but i can't because i'm anon and i'm too socially anxious to reveal myself grrr). first of all thank you so much. i quite often reread it to remind myself im valid. <3

i have a follow-up question/kind of a rant. i have a friend who's diagnosed audhd, and she's the only neurodivergent person in my life who seems to think i'm not autistic (she thinks i'm neurodivergent though, but nothing applies well to me other than anxiety which idk if that's generally considered a mental illness or a neurodiversity??). it's so weird how she expresses this too, for example, saying i "have a lot of autism symptoms, but don't seem autistic" (i mask a LOT). and every time i vent about my autism symptoms and how they affect me, i literally swear i can see it click for her that i'm likely on the spectrum and she STILL chooses to invalidate me.

what makes it worse is that another person in my friend group self-diagnosed with autism and dx friend is so validating of him. which is good for self-dx, but it makes me upset that we receive different treatment from her despite both having the same symptoms and diagnosing with the same thing (which may be a selfish thought, i have no idea but i don't intend it to be). self-dx doesn't ever point this out, then dx and him act like they're the only autistic people in our friend group, and it gives very much a "you can't sit with us" vibe. therefore there's only two people in my friend group who i'm fully comfortable with talking to about my neurodiversity (and are now aware of this issue but don't really know how to help).

ig it's just starting to piss me off. every time i post about or even mention autism i hear dx's voice in the back of my mind telling me i'm not really autistic. do you have any ideas on how to handle this? i've been friends with this person since we were in kindergarten and she's a great friend besides this, so i don't wanna cut her out of my life or anything, but i really wanna call her out on this bs without making her feel bad or making her too upset.

i'm so sorry if this is bothersome at all ghjfks feel free to ignore if thats better. thank you again for your past help, your posts have been so nice and comforting to see <33

hey anon! i remember you. im glad that post helped!

sounds like your friend has some internalised ableism going on. thats a real shame.

its absolutely not selfish of you to be upset that you're being treated differently than your other friend, thats really unfair.

also her arguments dont make any sense??? if you have enough autism symptoms then. you're autistic. thats how that works? you wouldn't be like "well. you have a cough and a runny nose but you just dont seem like you have a cold." like thats. a fucking weird thing to say?

idk what to suggest honestly. i know it really sucks but, maybe its time to start to pull away from this friend a little? it sounds like she doesnt really respect you.

if you're going to call her out on it, shes probably going to feel bad. you're going to have to reconcile that im afraid. its the consequences of her own actions that will cause it though, its not your fault that she has upset you and invalidated you. you deserve to assert your feelings and boundaries.

at the end of the day, you know yourself best, and if you think you have autism (after doing your research and a lot of self reflection) then you probably are. self diagnosis is absolutely valid, no matter what anyone says.