#but if the schools arent the answer that doesnt mean the schools have failed if it was never in their purview to begin with

[cogentranting]

✏🖍

[theonlylittlegoose]

Just a fic idea I had, but since I cant wrote for shit, I had to settle for drawing it.

(NOBODY COME FOR MY BACKGROUND I CANT DRAW THEM!! I DRAW PEOPLE NOT OBJECTS!!!)

Info:

Set in Russia, Emma Lebedeva is a ballet student at Bolshoi Academy, one of the most prestigious schools in Russia. Her mother and dance instructor Maria Margarita Lebedeva, goes on maternity leave, leaving Regina Melnikova to take over and teach the class for an upcoming show. Emma has no idea about the history her mother and Regina have, so when Regina starts picking on her in class every chance she gets. Months go by, and each insult hurled at her gnaws at her confidence until one day, fed up of hearing “poor posture must run in the family” and “your mother must want you to fail if thats how she taught you to point you feet”, Emma decides to get to the bottom of it.

One day after class she decides to confront her teacher. Scared as she might be of Regina, Emma needed to know why Regina hated her so much. So she asks her. At first, Regina is silent, reluctant to tell Emma the truth, but Emma keeps pushing, determined to get an answer to hopefully fix their relationship that was tainted from the start.

Finally, after enough badgering, Regina tells Emma about how she (regina) and her (emma) mother went to school here. They were the top students in the school which meant they were always going up against one another to prove which one of them was the best, and when Regina is replaced by Maria for an HUGE upcoming performance because Regina looked “too mean” for the part, Regina is livid. She saw herself as way more qualified for the role, as she had thought numerous times before when Maria Margarita was picked over her, but according to their teacher, theres more to a performance than just perfect technique. Regina strongly disagrees and what was once friendly competition between teammates, became a lifelong (one sided) rivalry.

While Emma understood the tension between the two older women giving the competitive nature of the school, she couldn’t understand what that had to do with her. So, she asks Regina just that. Thats when her teacher tells her that “perhaps her judgement had been clouded with her distaste for her annoying mother.”

Regina doesn’t know why she says what she says next, perhaps it was the slight chuckle and nod that escaped Emma when Regina mentioned her mother being annoying, or maybe it was the soft expression that followed but Regina tells Emma, “ You are perhaps the strongest dancer in the class, and maybe even the whole school. I see what you are capable of, unlike your mother, who chose much less qualified dancers to be the leads for the sake of fairness, which doesnt exist in dance. Because of this, I fear you arent taking these classes as seriously. I push you because I know what you are capable of. You have real talent.”

This moment changes everything between the two of them. While Regina is still tough on Emma, the blonde now sees it as encouragement. She begins to stay behind after class, asking for tips. The two women start to get closer. And when Regina offers Emma private classes for the upcoming performance, the older woman finds herself developing a soft spot for the dancer, who she discovers is goofy and surprising good company.

One day, after a particularly grueling session that went well into the night, the two were the only ones left in the building. Emma is too exhausted to drive 45 minutes across town to her mothers, she tells Regina she will just sleep in car and wake up early and get cleaned up at the academy.

Regina doesnt know why, but she offers to let the blonde sleep at her apartment since she lived in a close proximity to the school. Emma eagerly accepts, excited that she didnt have to sleep in uncomfortable bug, and at the prospect of a warm shower, but after they arrive and Emma showers, she somehow finds herself no longer tired and seeks out the brunettes company.

They begin to talk, really talk, and the two women learn things about each other. Like how completely insane Reginas mother Cora was, and why being the lead meant so much to Regina, because her mother, who already treated her awfully, would be even worse if she lost to Maria. Or how Emma felt like she could never live up to her mothers legacy, especially when her mother refused to challenge her. Emma felt like she wasnt able to show her true potential since her mother wanted everyone to have a chance (which started to make sense to Emma as to why her mother did that now knowing about her and Regina) so she stopped trying.

This night would become one of the many Emma spent at Reginas, and with both women dealing with their own inner turmoil, neither women recognize that they are developing feelings for one another. They both just think that they found someone who understands what theyre going through, and that thats all it is. Nothing more. Just two lonely people finding solace in one another.

That is until the show creeps closer and the stress begins to get them. One night, after a long session, Emma decides they need to unwind, and is determined to help Regina relax. So, she proposes a movie night at Reginas. Emma picks one of her favorite romantic comedys, which her teacher had never seen. (WE ALL KNOW REGINA!!!)

It starts off innocent, with the two of them (INOCCENTLY) cuddled up on the couch. But somewhere along the way Emma nods off, and cuddles deeper into Regina, who is startled at the contact but decides to let the woman sleep and finishes the movie alone, where she begins to find herself liking the contact, and eventually lets herself melt into it. But what really startles Regina, is when a sleepy Emma stirs, looks up at her with her tired eyes, and mumbles “I think I like you, like a lot” before tightening her grip on Regina and falling back to sleep like she hadn’t just said that. When Regina is sure the blonde is back to sleep, she whispers “I think I like you too.”

But the blonde wasn’t. Emma pulls away and looks up at her.

“Wait, really?”

AND THATS ALLLLLLLL I HAVE FOR THE IDEA!! obviously the picture i drew is before the two women got closer but thats everything unsaid. If i could write this would be wayyyyyy better!!!! And I have zero knowledge of ballet aside from watching Dance Academy as a kid, and BASICALLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT RUSSIA AND BOLSHOI aside from what my lovely russian friend told me and the limited research i did on the Academy for the picture.

[babydollcries]

Highschool/College Scenarios with 5wirl + Scara⛄️

Some fluff scenarios with 5wirl + scara, some are a bit short and scaras is a but long so sorry.

TW! slight nsfw with scaras

>Highschool/college partner!heizou - he would always pick you up once class is over, he would bring you to the cafe that is connected to the library and let you order stuff. While studying for your finals, most of the time he would tease you and you would get distracted by his flirty pick up lines. He would kiss your cheek from time to time while you both study. He rarely studies even while being with you but always ends up with better scores than you. You can’t think of how he is able to score more than you even though he barely studies….(he’s just cheating LMAO /j he’s just really smart he doesnt need to study)

Highschool/college partner!xiao - similar to heizou, he doesnt study because he knows he’s too smart for it. He would be your personal tutor to help you on your tests and exams. Everytime you aren’t getting tutored by him for the test this week, you would get a low score. During your tutoring time with him, if you manage to get a question correct he would kiss your cheek and if you pass on your test/exam then he promised to take you out or buy you something to eat. You’ve never felt so appreciated then ever

Highschool partner!aether - you and him both fail tests/exams because you both are dumb as hell. Even if you two study together, you and him would end up with low or average grades. One time aether would able to get a high grade which made the teacher suspicious of him and later on found out that he was cheating on the test. You on the other hand study the hardest than anyone else but still get bad grades (hehe relateable). Will both you and aether ever graduate highschool?

Highschool/college partner!kazuha - Kazuha is smart in general and he’s very helpful. He would help many students on their studies and they always pass with flying colours. Yet he rarely wants to help anyone else because he wants to spend time helping his baby. You two would either be at the school library or at a cafe that is connected to a library to study for finals. If you get caught off guard by one second he would kiss your cheek so that you can get back to focus. Though he doesn’t know that him kissing your cheek just makes you more riled up, meaning that you arent able to concentrate at all.

College partner!venti - Similar to aether, he’s dumb as a duck. He would always asm you for the answers on the test because he “doesnt” have time to study. You always say no because majority of the time he is spending is going out to play games or drink with his friends yet he continues to ask you for help. He then says he’ll get you anything if you agree to help him and your eyes sparkled. Say goodbye to his wallet.

College partner!scara - you and scara are studying together at a nearby library cafe. You both have headphones on listening to calm music as you both study for finals. As he was studying, he noticed that you kept looking towards him. He then looked at your paper and noticed that you’ve been copying his answers the whole time. He grabs your headphones and says “Hey! why are you copying my answers.” you snark, “what? im just copying your answers because im too lazy to do this. its soooo boooorrrring” you say then he switched seats and sat next to you. You were a little confused but didn’t mind becauss it felt warmer after he got closer. You turn to look at him and he suddenly kisses you deeply, you pushed away and locked eye contact. “Do your work or i’ll punish you” he says. “and what if i want punishment hm?” you said as you smirked. His face grew more red and faced away from you fuck why is this bitch tempting me he thinks. You poke him on the cheek and he turns around “oh yea? if you want punishment so badly, might aswell do it here” he says as ge went below the table. Your eyes widened and kicked him “Not here dummy! lets just get in the car” you said. You’re in for a long night tonight.

[serraphima]

All the abc OC questions for Erin!

aaaaaaaaaaaaa ty mara, imma put it under a read more so there isnt a huge thing to scroll through

A1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young? shes a pyromancer and a dumbass2. what activities have they participated in? uh they were in robotics club in college3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for? (no clue what that means) but she keeps her friend aria alive with the augments she makes4. what things are they bad at? talking to cute girls, being a person5. what is their most impressive talent? she can dislocate her shoulder on command

B1. what is their hair color? red2. what is their eye color? green3. how tall are they? like 5′44. how old are they? 32 i think?5. how much do they weigh? 160

C1. how do they sit in a chair? the wrong way all the time2. in what position do they sleep? curled up in a ball3. what is their ideal comfort day? chilling out with her partners4. what is their major comfort food? why? anything with a strong lemon taste that isnt a lemon5. who is the best at comforting them when down? her partners

D1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name? she cant decorate worth a damn2. how would they decorate their child’s room? she wouldnt have any kids tbh3. how do they decorate their own room? posters everywhere, failed experiments and other stuff strewn about with clothes4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear? she likes tight pants, crop tops, and a denim vest with boots on warm days, on cold days she wears skirts, tights, long sleeve tops and flannel with a denim vest5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends? she likes them in theory, not in practice since shes terrible with doing makeup

E1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality? kinda? like shes outgoing sometimes but shes also likes being alone, it depends on whos shes with2. do they do things that conform to the norm? only norm she conforms with is being gay3. do they follow trends or do their own thing? she does her own thing sometimes, follows trends other times4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads? she tries to keep up but hardly can5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own? she portrays herself as she is (ie a sarcastic bitch with a dry wit)

F1. what do they do for fun? set fire to things2. what is their ideal party? not a party person3. who would they have the most fun with? she loves being with her partners and has the most fun with them4. can they have fun while conforming to rules? she could if she was boring5. do they go out a lot? she doesnt really go out on her own a lot

G1. what is their most attractive external feature? shes happy with how her thighs and ass are so she loves showing them off as much as she can2. what is the most attractive part of their personality? shes extremely caring but doesnt like to show it to everyone3. what benefits come with being their friend? being a human test subject, you get to learn how to do fighting games, and seeing her in default state (which is only a bra and underwear)4. what parts of them do they like and dislike? she likes her thighs and ass, hates having her cock5. what parts of others do they envy? she envies that faith has a vagina and cant wait to get her own

H1. do they rather a hot or cold room? she likes a hot place, she cant function in the cold2. do they prefer summer or winter? she loves summer3. do they like the snow? she likes melting snow with fireballs but besides that she hates snow4. do they have a favorite summer activity? she likes going to concerts in the summer5. do they have a favorite winter activity? stay indoors with her partners and watch scary movies

I1. what is their sexuality? shes homoromantic bisexual2. have they ever questioned their sexuality? oh the entirety of her high school life3. have they ever questioned their gender? kinda, shes trans and had some trouble realizing that but shes happy now4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT? they arent5. how long would/did it take for them to come out? her parents dont know a lot of whats going on with her after her second stay in the psych ward when she came out to them, but her friends knew the second erin knew

J1. what makes them happy? making her partners happy2. who makes them happy? her partners3. are there any songs that bring them joy? anytime her favorite band releases a new song4. are they happy often? somewhat5. what brings them the most joy in the world? being with her partners and helping aria not be close to death

K1. have they ever thought about suicide? yeah2. have they ever thought about homicide? thought about doing it outright? no, but some of the test subjects she finds dont live through everything3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who? her parents4. who would miss them if they died? her partners5. who would be happy they died, anyone? probably her parents

L1. what is their favorite fruit? apple slices2. what is their least favorite fruit? whole apples3. are there any foods they hate? spicy foods4. do they have any food intolerances? she cant handle spicy stuff5. what is their favorite food? chicken picatta

M1. would they want a daughter or a son? probably a daughter2. how many children do they want? ideally none3. would they be a good parent? shes constantly worried shell end up like her parents4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter? son would be named azarel, daughter would be named valeria5. would they adopt? probably

N1. what would they never do? hard drugs and be in a gangbang2. what have they never done that they want to do? be in a gangbang3. is there anything they absolutely can’t believe people do? have a good relationship with their parents4. what is the most embarrassing thing they’ve done? thought she was a straight guy5. have they done anything they thought they’d never do? successfully keep someone alive

O1. are they optimistic or pessimistic? she finds both to be annoying and doesnt like answering that question (shes more pessimistic than optimistic)2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others? no3. are they good at giving advice? not in the slightest4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them? probably bel5. were they always optimistic? nope

P1. what is their best personality trait? her quick wit2. what is their worst personality trait? her inability to read emotions3. what of their personality do others love? her caring nature4. what of their personality do others envy? her scathing remarks when other people are dumb near her5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities? she hates she cant read emotion that well and hates overly chipper people

Q1. do they ask for help? nope2. do they ask questions in class? and look like a nerd? fuck that3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable? she tries to4. do they ask weird questions? more often than not5. are they curious? yes

R1. do they follow rules? theyre more guidelines and guidelines are more lenient to following than rules are (doesnt really follow the rules)2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent? shed be a bad parent3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule? many times4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking? nope5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous? she find a lot of rules pointless

S1. are they street-smart?  not really2. would they give money to someone on the streets? yes she does that a lot3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets? many times4. has anything happened to them on the streets? she beat up people sexually harassing her5. are they cautious when out? she carries a pistol and a knife everywhere

T1. are they honest? she tries to be2. can they tell if someone is lying? not well3. is it obvious when they’re lying? if you know her yes, if you dont its hard4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about? nope5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will? kinda?

U1. have they been bullied? yes2. have they bullied anyone? also yes3. have they been physically attacked by a bully? no4. have they ever been doubted? not as often as she believes5. have they surprised people with being good at something? people who dont pay attention to her a lot so she constantly surprises them when they start to pay attention to her

V1. do they vomit often? she hasnt puked since she was a baby and shes proud of that2. do they get lots of stomach aches? yes3. are they good at comforting someone ill? no4. what do they like as far as comfort goes? being warm and cozy5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting? she hiccups a lot when shes nauseous

W1. do they drink enough water? she doesnt like water, it feels weird in her mouth2. have they learned to swim? yes3. do they like to swim? a bit4. can they dive? no5. can they swim without holding their nose? yes

X1. what is their favorite genre of music? lot of good bass and drum lines, hard guitar riffs2. do they have a favorite song? anything her favorite band puts out3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer? yeah but good luck getting her to tell you (babymetal)4. can they sing well? a bit5. can they rap? nope

Y1. how old were you when you created them? i think like 19 or 202. what inspired you to create them? i kinda figured out i was trans and wanted a character like me but that was a girl (so i project onto her a lot)3. were they different when they were first created? she started out as a destiny oc, she was my warlock4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters? i cant say tbh5. what’s your favorite thing about them? shes a lot like me

Z1. what’s their favorite animal? cats2. do they like animals? she likes cats3. cats or dogs? cats4. what’s their dream pet? like a big cat but housecat sized5. do they have any pets at the moment? nope

[rint4rous]

meeting the parents: karmelle

(this is so long hhhh)

karma met the (step)mom first

he already sorta met her in the summer trip since she was one of the assassins in the hotel

but they properly met when he comes over anielle’s house after school

as anielle unlocks the door karmas ready for her little siblings running up to her and welcoming her home and saying hi to him

but to his surprise its a woman with her arms crossed thats there when they walk in

wowie ! its arime kiriya !

anielle seems unbothered and ignores that her mom looks mad as shes taking off her shoes

“didnt know youd be home today”

“daichi says you skipped training for a week again.”

“daichi says a lot of things especially about me, probably to stray you from the fact hes failing one of his classes”

theres a screech from the kitchen

“?!!???!! SHES LYING DONT LISTEN TO HER”

arime just sighs, shaking her head

meanwhile karmas standing there like …?? um ok

as hes taking his shoes off, arime notices him

“oh, the boyfriend.”

ani: um??? no??? hes not??? my boyfriend???

“this is karma,,,”

“is he staying for dinner??”

karmas kinda panicking and his Respecful Mode is ON

hes not really intimidated, she just seems like a ‘normal’ mom to him but at the same time ..

this .. arime kiriya might be a pro assassin but before that she’s still anielle’s mom

he doesn’t really care about first impressions

so he has no idea why hes worrying now

“i usually do, unless you don’t want me to??”

“oh no no i would have insisted you stay if you said no”

anielle grabs karmas wrist

“call us down when foods ready”

shes dragging him up the stairs

she lets go of his wrist when they got in her room and shes like

“yeah um,, thats my mom,, i didnt know she would be home”

“shes different from what i expected?? from the trip she seemed more intimidating”

“oh shes actually pretty nice ?? we get in playful arguments sometimes but yeah even though shes not always at home she tries her best”

dinner time !

anielle said they werent together but arime could tell that even tho they werent tgt yet there was something there

arime asks karma a few questions as they’re eating and when karma answers, his tone’s polite and tame

anielle notices this

she finds it a little amusing, but honestly cute more than anything

when karma goes home arime says

“he seems like a good kid. you like him?”

ani, blushing: ?!??!!?! n-no

arime: ok sure

after that karma sees arime whenever shes home

he usually comes over anielles house so

but on the times that ani doesnt come home with karma, arime invites him for dinner

he says yes every time

arime always refers to him as the boyfriend though

not your boyfriend, but THE boyfriend

“you gonna invite the boyfriend over?” “how’s the boyfriend?” “ask the boyfriend if he wants to eat dinner with us”

anielles like please stop calling him that (1) he isnt my bf and (2) even if he was it sounds so weird and lame

(when karmelle start officially dating though she refers to him as karma)

karma eventually gets comfortable that he drops the Timid Tone and starts talking like himself

arimes not shocked at the change

HHH she looked thru the poor kid’s records and looked him up after they met because she has to know abt him if hes gonna end up with her daughter so she knew abt his personality and was waiting for it to show

arime’s honestly amused by him but she likes him and still thinks hes a good kid

he gets invited to their training sometimes

and sometimes gets to spar with arime he almost beat her once

as for ani’s (birth) mom, karma goes with anielle to the cemetery whenever she asks for mental support because sometimes it gets a little too much for her

the first time he went was after the incident with shiro

anielle wasnt planning on bringing him, but he insisted

he couldnt leave her alone, not after the emotional torture shiro put her through

when she broke down in his arms, he knew coming with her was the best decision, even if she didnt like the idea at first

the dad .. he met him three months after arime

karma knew that he was in the ministry of defense and is friends with karasuma, but was dealing with things overseas

thats all he really knew, he was expecting someone like karasuma

karma and ani were just playing a game tgt

then they hear the doorknob rattling ?!??!?!

out of instinct, anielle grabs the gun she keeps under the sofa hjgfhjksd

shes walking slowly towards the door gun in hand

the door opens

“i swear to god yuto i told you to stop doing that.. stop trying to scare the kids and open the door anielles gonna accidentally shoot you one of these days” arime scolds him as they walk in

yuto just laughs

anielle drops the gun and runs to hug her dad,, she hasnt seen him in months

“see! she had a damn gun ready!” arime sighs, pulling their luggage in

she sees karma “oh hi karma!! how you been?”

“good,,”

“so you’re karma? are you gonna join us for lunch?”

karmas like this is like meeting arime all over again

man he never thought his Respectful and Polite Mode would make a comeback but here he is

HHH karma: no fear

yuto: hi

karma: one fear

“yes sir”

anielles trying so hard not to laugh,, she cant believe karma just called her dad SIR HRKHHKJJKH

she and arime are silently snickering together while karma sits there as yuto studies him

“i’ll go start making the food,,” arime heads to the kitchen

“elly, go help your mom”

karma and anielle knew it was to get karma alone with him,, ani doesnt argue and goes to the kitchen

“arime and karasuma told me a lot about you.”

“oh”

yuto asks karma questions, but they arent Extra ykno

hes not Overly Protective, but hes more protective of ani because out of the two oldest, he knows anielle was affected by their mothers death most and took longest to get over it

he just wants to get to know karma

after arime karma was expecting the dad to be like her except more strict and intimidating but

for arime, it took two months for him to drop the timid tone

for yuto, it took an hour

hes still answering politely, but now hes including some snarky remarks as a joke and is talking in his usual tone

arime calls them for lunch

they all talk while eating and karma could tell the dad likes him too

hes just happy he got both of anis parents to like him

anielle met karmas parents like two weeks after graduation,, meaning karmelle are tgt now

she decided to tag along when karma went to the airport when they were coming back from a trip

he said they were coming back for a bit to spend time with him and to congratulate him for graduating

anielle didnt really know what to expect

shes looking at her phone when she hears a “karma!!!!”

she looks up and sees a woman waving at karma and a man beside her

as they’re approaching, his mom notices anielle beside him

“oh you came with... your girlfriend?”

“hi, i’m anielle!” ani greets. “i hope i’m not being a bother by being here?”

“not at all! i didn’t know our karma had a girlfriend?? since when??”

“we haven’t been together for long, but we met during our second year,,”

his mom turns to karma, “you dont tell your folks anything nowadays”

karma just shrugs

anielle shares brief greetings and conversations with his dad, the mom talks more

they dropped off their things and anielle stays for an hour and leaves so they can settle in

she gets invited to eat out with them the next day

(bruh all of these involve eatinf i am so original)

she gets to really talk with his parents

karmas mom jokes around like “our problem child managed to get himself a girl!!! he’s a real handful, isn’t he?”

anielle laughs it off, “hes tiring to deal with sometimes, but i manage. you learn to have patience with him”

karma: Bruh

ani came over sometimes, and she got to know the parents better (and vice versa, they just dont know shes a hitman)

they really like her, she keeps karma in check and they think she brings out the best in him,, shes reckless and chaotic just like karma but if she needs to, shes able to stop karma from doing stupid things and he actually listens so

his parents arent the kind that are like “wanna see karmas baby pics” to embarass him hes thankful

after a month they leave again

ani got their numbers, and the mom texts her from time to time to check up on karma (and her !!)

(karma doesnt know this)

[ddonggeun]

Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed

sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience? 

first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)

my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have…. 

in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip: 

trouble paying attention in school or work,

the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough

avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,

being easily distracted 

restlessness

fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know

interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever

frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry.  she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”

trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files

mood swings

hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy

impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo

poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense

fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho

doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way

burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both 

trouble coping with stress - 

i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that

at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments

[ac-ars]

lutteo polish uni au PLEASE

my time has come

this got so long i have to cut this sorry 

luna is starting her first year at uni and she had to move from her hometown to attend her university at least she will get this ugly cheap dorm shared with hopefully someone not much weird 

bless cheap train tickets which means she will be able to go every weekend to her hometown and bring many jars of food made by her mom (goals)

people from her group are kinda cool but meme because since she is on the environmental engineering its uni of technology which means that most of her group are weird guys with first world problems (or buying twenty watches at once from ali express)

they get the less confused person and pick them as group president who finds out that there are materials from higher years, like answers to the tests, exams, done reports and other stuff

they send luna for it because she is the nicest

thats how she meets matteo balsano (in pl he would be named mateusz but who cares)

he is obviously in the students council of his faculty and has all important papers and knows all profs and he is very smirking at the younger lost student luna who knows like nothing and is scared of asking because all people seem to make fun of the greenies who dont know what is happening

also luna wants to attend all the lectures to be a proper student, she buys some big hardcover notebooks and highlighters to have material to study later

she fails

she ends up going on first lectures and then maybe second week’s ones too but then she either ends up falling asleep or skipping and staying at her ugly dorm sleeping because it’s not really worth it really

matteo ended up giving her the materials ofc and texts her sometimes subtly seeing on her insta story something like “where the f is room number 406??” or “this shit is boring help me” and she likes it kinda and he also sells her all tips about professors bc he knows it all

obviously is anyone surprised

no

he starts appearing in random places magically to help her find the room or something really

we should mention the time luna writes her first test and she is shook the questions are everything as last year, and two years ago, and three, and four, and,,,  

anyway everyone is even more shook when half people fails and then matteo or someone older idk who tells about the prof being too lazy to actually check and grade this shit they tell them about

throwing the papers in the air which means prof throws papers in the air and the tests which fall to the desk pass and those who are on the floor fail rip

luna likes hanging out with matteo obviously because he is funny and he is always having some coffee or water to share (poor student’s life doesnt allow those luxuries unless you are rich)

when we are by rich matteo is rich and he has his own apartment shared with ramiro or someone idk really but he has his own room, bed and mostly full fridge which is all boy in college can offer to a girl

luna doesnt really get that he likes likes her because lol he is acting just friendly and she doesnt know uni life enough anyway she has one bigger friend in the group (the rest likes her bc she cool and got them materials and knows older guy who gives them spoliers about uni which is always good)

this friend is actually jazmin who is on year lower because she started clothing design on asp year ago and now she decided she wants to be environmentally friendly so she is the chatty friend who keeps dragging Luna around the important places all around the uni and neighbor cities like famous club SPIŻ

luna hates this place esp the beer they are recommending in their song but she hates it and it all tastes the same besides weird staring drunk guys are disgusting she wants to go home so they call uber to drive them and its nice old man who keeps asking them about their grades in high school

one day luna has very difficult weird math exam and there is no answers anywhere so she texts matteo asking for @help pls i have no idea what is going on even and he helps her because obviously she manages to take a picture and send him and he solves it all and luna is nice person so she sends it to the rest of the group

they all later get money and buy him exclusive cheap vodka because he helped and he is laughing so much because he used to do it too

alcohol is every way to show your gratitude at uni remember this

matteo’s students council has this funny small room with computer and big blackboard and big windows and ofc old couch and he lets luna nap on it between labs when there is lecture or when she has no class and she appreciates this very much

it is definitely too cold when the late fall/early winter comes because those damn faculties have sucky heaters (it doesnt exist sorry wear winter jackets all the time) and matteo keeps bringing some random sweater for her because her two sweaters arent enough plus he gets her tea with vodka xDD

lets not forget about those typical students hang out parties where everyone is sitting eating pizza and drinking countless amount of whatever and the person who has the earliest bus back home loses the most fun 

lets not forget cars not starting up when its too cold and everything freezing, and snow is cool only for few hours bc then it melts and its shitty and luna got her jeans wet not once because she was running to the bus through the puddles

first sesja is kinda shit because profs keep saying that one can’t cheat from their phone or whatever but they pretend then don’t see anything and generally dont care tbh they just throw the papers or whatever 

luna passes all of her exams and when all profs decide to move their asses and insert the grades to the sots (3,0 is a blessing)

since luna passed everything matteo very not-hiding says that they gotta celebrate this and he will take her out for pizza

and pay for that

and for extra dessert

that was only first semester/first part btw

i wanna say thanks @ pink moon for helping

[glowstickhaloboy]

klance roommates au

usual disclaimer: its long as hell

keith is the newly hired, up-and-coming sales rep of his office job. hes fresh out of college, determined, and as awkward as he is in real life, he knows how to make a sale because its all scripted. his boss, doris, a wrinkly old lady who brings in cookies for the office at the end of every month, adores this strapping young man with a real work ethic.

his brother, shiro, is an ethics professor at the local university, Bullshit University (BU). while shiro is glad that keith is doing really well in life for this age, he has this annoying habit of constantly asking keith if hes alright, or if he needs anything, or if theres anything he feels like he wants to do to make himself better. keith always says no.

BU has a bs program called Apprenticeship, wherein a student will be mentored/sponsored by a professor, and the ethics department is head of the program, so shiro also hand picks his own apprentice and its a Big Deal and there are so many kids who apply for it not only because professor shirogane is hot as balls, but because this program gives out credits like candy. this semester’s lucky apprentice is none other than lance mcclain.

lance, if you ask him, will say that this all went completely according to plan and he never once doubted that shiro would pick him. on the inside, he is in an eternal state of wtf wtf wtf wtf how did i do this??!?!?!!!

keith knows that this is something shiro does because shiro likes to update keith on his life, so he’ll call and they’ll chat for a while and usually there will be some mention of an apprentice and whats going on with their studies. as the school year comes to an end, keith obligingly asks shiro who his chosen apprentice is for the upcoming year.

the line goes quiet.

“shiro? did i lose you?”

“no, im still here.”

more silence.

keith says, “what is it.”

“i have a small favor to ask of you.”

lance, if you asked him, would say that his interview with shiro went very well. he would say that he had shiro eating out of the palm of his hand. in reality, there was a lot more crying about money and family matters and anxiety for the future, and when shiro offered lance a tissue lance mistakenly grabbed shiro’s tie and blew his nose into it. two weeks later, he was asked to submit a final letter of intent, which he almost didn’t do because he was too embarrassed, then stayed up all night before the deadline because he couldnt not take a shot at it.

the problem with an apprenticeship position was that it was not like a residency staff position, wherein lance could live on campus without being charged a room & board fee, and he could not be both a part of residency staff and an apprentice. (the residency staff made his decision easy by rejecting his application, but still, it was a bummer.) that being said, lance had absolutely no money to stay on campus next year, and he could not commute because he lived four hours away from the school.

keiths apartment, shiro had not failed to notice, was a convenient 32 and a half minutes from the campus.

“you want me to what?” keith asks shiro, paling, staring into his categorized fridge. he knows where everything is. he decides where everything is. he is not sharing his living space with some kid.

“hes not some kid,” says shiro. “hes 20 years old and he needs this. i really want to make this opportunity work for him, but the school wont let him stay with me. please, keith. i think this would be good for both of you.”

“what is that supposed to mean?”

“can you honestly tell me that you arent lonely all by yourself?”

“no, im not. im comfortable and in control of my own life. i dont want one of your projects from the projects ruining everything ive worked to get, and i think its bull-headed of you to assume that you know whats best for me, like you always try to do, and i think its rude of you to invite someone to live in my apartment.” 

“he likes mus-”

keith hangs up on shiro mid-word, fumes for a few hours as he gets some work done and eats dinner, then goes to sleep.

the next day, keith feels guilty, sure, but he stands by what he said. shiro would call him in a few days and initiate the apology, and they would both put it behind them without mentioning it again. until then, he would throw himself into his work and pretend that everything was fine.

at 6pm, doris knocks on the side of his cubicle, smiling down on him in all her wrinkly glory. shes 60 going on 80 with graying hair and a cozy southern drawl. “darling, why are you still sitting at that desk? its a friday night. youre young, youre cute, you must have a sweetheart you wanna spend it with, or some friends at least.”

keith smiles politely. “thats alright, doris. id rather work, honestly.”

“you sure, honey? i admire a good worker, but if youre working good for the wrong reasons, thats nothing to be proud of. dont you have a nice girl to go home to?”

keith isnt even going to touch the last part of that statement because he doesnt know doris’s political views and doesnt have the time nor patience for a lecture from her in case her warm hospitality is all a condition of keiths being a Model Young Man. he grimaces and says, “no, i dont. and if i did have someone to go home to, it wouldnt be the start of a night going out on the town, it would be someone to have a relaxing night in with.”

“that sounds nice,” says doris, with a minor suggestion behind it that keith should get his coat and get the hell out of here.

“but id really prefer to work,” insists keith. doris clicks her tongue and tells him to suit himself.

meanwhile, lance is panicking. here he has this amazing opportunity, and no way to make it happen. hunk, allura, and pidge all live on campus, apartments nearby are way too expensive, and nobody on the forums is responding to his roommate pleas. he has made it clear that he will take literally anything, and still, no bites.

“im sorry,” shiro says at the start of their meeting. “i tried to set something up, but it fell through. there are a couple of scholarships you can try applying for, but their awards arent given out until december, so youd have to find a way to make ends meet until then.”

“and i cant be a part time student working,” says lance, “because part time students arent eligible for the internship.”

shiro sighs grimly. “thats right.” for a moment, he does nothing but frown at the wall, and lance has nothing to say so he doesnt interrupt. slowly, without explanation, shiro picks up his desk phone and dials. after a moment of patience, he sets it back down and pinches the bridge of his nose. “i want to figure something out for you, lance. do you have any ideas?”

lance shakes his head, shrugging. “i asked a couple of my friends to get an apartment with me, but two of them are residency staff, and the other one takes too many classes a semester to be able to work enough to afford an apartment.

shiro is about to say something, but the phone rings. he snatches it up. “keith? i thought you were ignoring me. oh. no, thats not it. actually, um, i have him sitting in my office with me. i was hoping you had reconsidered.” there was a very long pause. “i understand that,” says shiro. lance’s organs are all mixed up. his heart is beating in his throat and his stomach is somewhere near his feet. “i understand that,” he says again. “im sorry for what i said. you know i didnt mean it that way. i worry about you, thats all, because im a worrier. im not trying to influence your life at all, i really am just asking for a favor. ive exhausted all my other options. keith, youre all ive got.”

he covers the speaker with his mouth and looks at lance. “are you comfortable talking to him?”

lance balks. “who is it?”

“my brother, keith, the person im trying to get to let you stay with him. he wants to talk to you.”

lance holds his hand out for the phone, and shiro passes it over. lance says, “hello?”

“give me one reason why i should let you stay with me,” says a voice that is not exactly what lance is expecting, but still intimidating. “its not a trick question or a test, but it is pass-fail.”

lance’s mouth is so dry, he isnt sure he’ll be able to speak. “i,” he starts, then decides that he cant, then realizes that he has to. “i dont know what im doing. everyones trying to tell me what i should do, or what i have to do, but your brother--um, professor shirogane--is the only person whos asking me what i want to do. that means a lot to me, and so does the fact that he chose me to be his apprentice. so i want to give this my honest to god best shot to repay him, and because i need to know for myself what im capable of. so, um, sir, if you can give me my foot in the door, i promise i would be grateful for that, and if it doesnt work out, then you can kick me out, and i’ll still be grateful that you gave me the chance. um, thanks for giving me the chance to talk.”

there was a long beat of silence. shiro’s mouth was covered with his hand, so lance couldnt tell if he was smiling, but his eyes were definitely shining.

keith said, “shiro always does make people want to be the best version of themselves. dont tell him i said that. put him back on the line.”

lance shakily handed the phone back. shiro put it to his ear. “keith? uh huh.” he chuckled. “i know.” he closed his eyes, the tension seeping out of his shoulders, and lance couldnt help but feel his hopes soar. “thank you, keith. i promise i’ll pay you back for this, and you wont regret it.” he hangs up. “lance, you have a place to live next year.”

come the end of august, keiths career is running itself. he clears out the storage room in preparation for a temporary guest with the help of shiro, whose job it is not only to set up the room, but to pay lance’s half of the rent if lance should default.

two days after the bed and desk are built, lance mcclain moves in. hes weighed down by bags when keith answers the door, looking boyish and disheveled. “whoa,” he says, and stumbles back, almost loses his balance, then manages to catch himself.

keith prickles. “what?”

lance’s eyes swoop up and down keith a clean once.

“youre shiro’s younger brother,” he says, blinking in surprise. “i didnt expect you to be so... you sounded older and mea-- um, on the phone. i thought i was going to be living with a forty year old dude or something, but you’re. um. hi, im lance mcclain.”

he sticks out his hand, strapped down by bags. keith shakes it.

“keith kogane. your room is down the hall and to the left. the bathroom is the first one on the right. my bedroom is the door at the end of the hall, the one thats always shut.”

lance nods. “right,” he says, sounding choked. “i’ll just put this stuff away then...”

he gets inside his room and calls hunk, freaking out about how the guy he has to live with is a lunatic and might also be a serial killer. how else did one explain his bathroom being so freakishly clean? hunk tells lance to calm down and that its just first-day jitters. everything will feel normal once lance gets the routine down.

but lance does not get the routine down. if keith isnt telling lance not to move the milk in the fridge (lance needed somewhere for his blueberries), then he was shouting through the bathroom door to shut up (lance sang in the shower! big deal!). lance was positive that keith hated him, which, between getting his ass kicked at school and feeling like a burden at the apartment, made for a hellish first month on lance’s part. he and keith never talked to each other, because keith was always leaving for work in the mornings before lance woke up, and lance would get back sometimes at 9pm or later, when keith was already showering and getting ready for bed. on weekends, lance booked it out of there to hang out with hunk and pidge, but keith was usually still awake when lance got back, either reading or watching something on TV.

the best way to describe the tension was frigid. keith didnt acknowledge lance so long as lance kept to himself. and the biggest mistake lance made was to break that tension while keith was home.

of course, lance didnt know at the time. he was pretty sure that keith was out, but too scared to check because the door at the end of the hall was daunting, and lance was pretty sure that keith was the only one who could pass through it without damaging his soul permanently.

lance had assignments, okay? he was a music major. that involved some instruments being played from time to time. usually, he was able to work around keith’s schedule, or quiet enough that he could do it when keith was sleeping, but when he wasnt worried about it, he wasnt worried about it. which led to a high pitched scream from a certain college student as keith banged on his bedroom door.

collecting himself, lance went to open it. “sorry, i-”

“what the hell are you doing?”

lance sighed. “look, keith, im grateful that youre letting me live here, but that means letting me live here. i have assignments, and music relaxes me. so if i can put up with your alphabetical cereal boxes, i think its fair that you let me get some work done.”

“im trying to get my work done.”

“youre not even at work!”

keith pinched the bridge of his nose, a very shiro thing to do. “i dont have a problem with the music,” he said at last. “but we better not get any noise complaints from the neighbors.”

lance saluted him and shut the door, breathing a sigh of relief.

after that, tension melted a little more every day. lance’s outburst seemed to have triggered a chain reaction wherein keith and lance actually learned how to live with each other. after respectfully asking lance to remember to take his beauty products out of the bathroom when finished with them, he realized that what lance really needed was his own shelf, so he adjusted. when lance left on saturday mornings and saw keith taking his usual post at the coffee table with his stack of files, lance would ask if keith wanted anything from mcdonalds before coming home. slowly, surely, they became roommates.

until one day lance came home and saw keith watching his favorite show. it was a tidal wave of loud that keith had never had to experience before. youre only on the first season okay scoot over can i put my feet up im going to who do you like best so far what do you think of the villain isnt the actor who plays jack so hot-

they both freeze a little, lances face going red. “um,” he said. “its not like im going to be bringing any guys home, so we dont have to-”

“im gay,” keith says bluntly, because it looks like lance is about to have a heart attack. he feels a little like doris in that moment, although he doesnt know why. “yeah, hes hot.”

lance melts into the couch. “that makes that easy then,” he says. “that makes this the gay-partment. actually, we cant call it that, because im bi for real, and gay-partment doesnt sound good anyway, but you get what im-”

“i get it,” says keith, a mercy killing. he presses play with finality.

shiro checks up on keith frequently enough, but he never asks about lance any more than “is everything okay between you guys?” keith suspects that shiro does not want to push, and is waiting for keith to be the person who actually brings it up.

keith doesnt. even when he waits for lance to get home from classes so they can watch an episode together before keith goes to bed (because the last time keith watched it without him lance threw a fit), or when lance’s awful car craps out on him so they have to share for a week while the mechanic handles it, which involves a lot of carpooling and, as lance calls them “jam sessions” where he blares his horrible music and sings along (but isnt actually so bad because sometimes he improvises lines to the songs and he can be funny when he wants to be). 

keith realizes over the six days that lance is gone for thanksgiving break, not even a full week, that the apartment feels too quiet without him, and at the ripe old age of 23, he might have found his first genuine friend.

after thanksgiving, the barrier melts more. keith is cool with lance having friends over as long as he gets a heads up, and lance invites keith to his occasional open mic night performances at BU.

one day, lance comes home and sees keith hunched over some files on the kitchen table, tie loose on his neck, a half-finished bowl of leftover pasta abandoned near him. lance realizes that he has no idea what keiths job is.

“sales,” keith informs him. “i convince people that they need to buy eco-friendly plastic cups in bulk for their business or school.”

“sounds boring.”

“its not.”

“do you supply cups to my school?”

“theyre not one of my clients, no.”

“if you cant sell cups to your own brother’s school, how good of a salesman can you be?”

keith rolls his eyes and--hey, finally--looks up. “im the best in the department,” he says. “because i take my job seriously, lance. as seriously as you take your apprenticeship to shiro, which is the only reason i agreed to let you stay here.”

“wow,” says lance. “thats harsh. all work and no play makes keith revert back to his old angry self, i see.” he leaves. keith sighs, decides he can no longer focus, and packs up his files. he cleans up his wasted dinner and knocks on lance’s door. lance doesnt answer, so keith persists. when hes ignored again, he grits his teeth and says, “oh, real mature.”

he turns to go back to the living room and sees the bathroom door open. lance steps out, shirtless. “who are you talking to?” he asks, shirtless. he scratches the back of his head, shirtless.

“are you hungry?” asks keith. “i was thinking we could order a pizza and watch an episode or two.”

lance considers keith for a moment, shirtless, then rolls his eyes, still shirtless. “if thats the best you can do for apologies, mullet, then you have a lot to learn. i was going to take a shower.” he reaches around keith, shirtless, and pulls a towel off the inside of his bedroom wall. “call and order, i’ll be fast.” before he shuts the bathroom door again, he says, “i don’t are what else is on it as long as there are green peppers.” and then he’s gone, shirtless.

keith wakes up and wonders why he blacked out for a second.

the pizza arrives, and lance gets out of the shower, clothed, and one or two episodes become six or seven, with keith continuously having to pause because lance is talking and getting carried away because hes getting so excited. its thursday and keith has work tomorrow, he knows, and yet hes denying it. his stomach is full of warm pizza and lance has just stopped talking about the way it rained when they filmed this scene, but keith hasnt reached over to his play yet.

“you would be a good salesman,” he tells lance. “youve got the charisma for it.”

“keith, that is literally the meanest thing youve ever said to me. no offense, but to suggest i would spend my life sitting in a cubicle is unforgivable. to each their own, though. when all the little kids in your third grade class were saying, i want to be a firefighter! and, i want to be a princess! what made you snap up your suspenders and say, i want to sell eco-friendly plastic cups!”

“i dont wear suspenders.”

“thats not the question i was asking.”

keith shrugs. hes laying down more than hes sitting up, which as a rule, is frowned upon when using couches in this apartment. lance has been a bad influence in this regard. “its practical.”

“did you have to take business classes and everything?”

“i took them, yeah.”

lance throws his head back and groans, pokes keith’s thigh teasingly with his big toe. “man, i cant imagine going to school to actually learn a useful life skill. whats job security like?”

staring up at the ceiling, keith is unsettled to find that he knows the answer. “boring.”

lance sits up. “huh?”

“its too easy,” says keith. “every day, its just selling cups. a moron could do it. and my boss doris is a peach, but this morning she stood at karen’s cubicle across from mine for a straight hour talking about plants.”

“plants are so practical,” says lance. “you have a house plant in the corner.” he points at herman.

“his name is herman.”

lance’s eyes blow wide. “dude! no way! you named your plant! i didnt think you were the type!”

“ive never said his name out loud with another person in the room before.”

lance covers his face with both hands and wheezes. “you talk to herman when no one else is in the room.”

lance does not say that he had been calling herman shelby.

“theres a smaller one on my desk at the office named sherman,” says keith.

“not judging, dude, but why would you give so much of yourself to this job if it isnt what you want to do?”

keith shrugs again. “its practical.”

“im a music major and i dont buy that shit. why dont you do what you love? like, how does the time that you spend not doing whatever it is you love not a giant waste?”

“because...” keith feels like a robot. “its practical.”

“if practicality didnt matter, what would you do?”

keith considers lance, considers himself. he finds the answer but decides that its too scary right now. 

“i’d sell cups on the moon.”

lance busts a gut. the seriousness of the topic derailed, keith presses play, and they go back to watching the episode. lance doesnt interrupt for the remainder of the episode, and when keith looks over, he realizes its because lance has fallen asleep. with his legs spread over keith’s lap. when had they gotten there? keith couldnt move now. he had work in the morning.

he was also already in his pajamas. and the sofa was warm enough, and the heating was on in preparation for winter. and keith was already up later than he normally stayed awake...

he woke up with sunlight streaming peacefully on his eyelids. that was usually a luxury saved for the weekends. SUNLIGHT? keith’s eyes popped open, and he remembered all at once talking with lance, falling asleep, lance. last night had been a lance-heavy night. his toes were underneath keith’s shirt, his face smushed into the cushions.

keith clawed his phone out of his pocket as he extracted himself from the couch, from lance. 9:08. shit shit shit shit. 2 missed calls from doris. he ran into his room, where his alarm clock had been screaming for two and a half hours now, and threw on a dress shirt, pants, and shoes, then he rocketed out the door, his phone already pressed to his ear. hi doris sorry sorry sorry i overslept im leaving now i’ll be right here this wont happen again.

his coworkers dont let him live it down. all day its, how ya doing, keith? hows that perfect punctuality youre always harping about? crazy hook up with your take-home pile, was it? doris is the only one who is understanding, and, luckily, her opinion of the situation is all that matters.

“whatever kept you,” she says, “i hope you had fun.”

keith is exhausted by the time he gets home. he unknots his tie on the way to his room, and as he passes lance’s door, he hears the soft tones of music from inside. he pauses. knocks. lance calls, “come in.”

keith pokes his head inside. theres lance, several instruments sprawled across his floor, and him in the center of them, a ukulele in his hands. keith smiles. “sounds good,” he says.

lance gives him a sympathetic eyebrow raise. “you look like shit.”

“thanks.”

“come sit down.”

grateful for the invitation, keith obeys, unraveling his tie all the way. he likes that lance doesnt make him say anything. he goes back to playing music, singing, a soft song that has keiths eyelids fluttering shut and his shoulders relaxing before they can help it.

the next week, lance’s semester ends. he heads home to swap the old year for a new model, see his family, catch up with neighborhood friends. theres the weirdest disconnect he gets where he turns to make a comment to someone, expecting them to be someone else, and gets frustrated.

keith, meanwhile, has resorted to calling shiro at night to somehow break this god awful silence. they get together on christmas, which helps. hes ready to spend new years alone with the LGBT section of Netflix when, at 10:14 PM, his phone rings in a way it doesnt usually. He presses accept, and suddenly Lance is grinning at him in a room full of shouting Cubans.

“Keith! My man! How’s it hanging! No, shut up Marcia, I’m busy. Hey, what’s up!”

Keith is a little bewildered. “Um. Hey.”

“hold on, its super loud in here. let me get to my room so i can actually hear you.”

“why did you call?” asks keith.

lance gives him a look as he enters a much more quiet space. “because my spidey senses told me that you were sitting alone on your couch like a loser right now.”

keith frowns down at his comfortable pajamas. “i am not a loser.”

“of course not,” lance agrees. “thats thanks to me, by the way, and my amazing ability to be in two places at once, thanks to facetime.”

“hows home?” keith asks, aware that suddenly they were chatting, and that the frown he’d been carrying around for days had magically lifted itself off his face. lance is as excitable as ever, even when hes miles and miles away, and keith wonders at the idea of all this distance theyve lived with between them suddenly closed. its an interesting thought.

he doesnt realize how long lance has kept him talking until 11:59, when lance brings his attention to the countdown clock. the inside of keith’s chest feels warm and calm knowing that lance didnt want keith to be alone on new years, and that he cared enough to sit in his room for two hours talking at a screen, and that he was choosing to spend the passover to midnight with keith.

at midnight, keith clinks a glass of champagne against his phone, as does lance, and they drink together. then, lance sombers.

“hey, um. i wanted to thank you for everything you did for me last semester,” says lance. “im still trying to put things together for the spring, but if you want, i could let you know how it goes. i mean, i dont want to stop talking to you, or knowing you.”

keith is utterly lost. “what are you talking about?”

now lance looks confused. “the end of the semester,” he says.

“what about it?”

“my apprenticeship.”

Apprenticeships only lasted a semester!

keith actually slapped his forehead. “lance!” he said, sitting up and clutching his burning phone tighter. He’d had to plug it in an hour ago. “why didn’t you remind me? are you trying to tell me you left? that you literally left to go back home without saying goodbye?”

“you didnt say goodbye!” lance defends, voice getting shrill. “i thought you werent the type!”

“i thought you werent leaving! or, i mean, i thought you were coming back right after!”

“I literally packed out my whole room, keith.”

“people need things when they go home.”

lance shook his head, dumbfounded. “i cant believe we’re having this conversation. what are you going to do without me? yes, keith, im back home and scouring the forums for a new roommate next semester. im trying to have a bonding moment where i thank you for everything youve done for me, but youre ruining it by being an idiot.”

“damn it, lance. you dont have to move out. youre more than welcome to keep living here. lance? did you freeze?”

“what? no. i just. i kind of thought you hated me.”

hate? the literal opposite. keith had to fight not to be sarcastic. “i dont hate you. i want you to stay here. not as a favor, but because this place feels weird without you here now. its as much yours as it is mine. we can put you on the lease if you want.”

“keith, that is the grossest, most adult thing youve ever said to me. of course i will legally sign a binding contract with my name next to yours.”

did lance just... keith’s smaller face went red next to lance’s bigger face. keith sat up a little straighter. “um, cool. cool. when you get back, then. so, you are coming back?”

“yes,” said lance. “and thank god it means i dont have to live with smelly jeremy and his flea-ridden dogs. just your flea-ridden mullet.”

keith narrowed his eyes and hung up.

he got a text from lance saying, see yr flea-tastic self on january 25th, then marked the day down in his phone. afterward, he opened the door to lance’s room, which was indeed empty. keith’s heart went a little spastic at the thought that january 25th could have come and gone, and he would have had no idea that lance had not been planning to return. he called shiro and berated him for not talking about the apprenticeship more often, so keith would have been prepared.

lance comes back and brings the sun with him. keith, who has been this close to quitting his job every time he walks into work, could not be happier. they move lance’s things in together, which involves a lot of stopping and making fun of lance’s possessions on keith’s part. lance grins and goes for the mullet, and somehow they end up wrestling on the floor.

keith thinks, i cant not kiss him.

and then his phone vibrates against his leg. he remembers that lance is living here because he has nowhere else to go, and that putting him in this position if he doesnt feel the same way about keith is a horrible thing to do. he untangles himself, guilty.

“where are you going?” demands lance. “i was winning!”

“its doris,” says keith. “gotta take it.”

speaking of doris, she notices. at 6pm the next day, she stops by keiths cubicle. “been a while since we last met here, sugarcake. trouble at home?”

theres no one else in the office, and keith is close to a meltdown. he swivels to face doris, hangs his head, and says, “i think im in love with my roommate lance.”

her face doesnt betray an ounce of shock, but rather, shes giving him the same look shiro used to when keith would talk about nightmares. keiths heart shatters from being touched by kindness. he doesnt leave the office for another hour, not because he was working, but because that night doris lets him tell her everything.

lance is still in class when keith gets home, eats, showers, and gets ready for bed. he almost doesnt know what to do with himself now that theres a whole other conscious entity living in this house--his fucking emotions. he has his hair pulled back, his pajamas on, and hes just getting ready to call it a night when the front door opens and lance tosses his bag in its usual spot under the window.

“hey,” he says, surprised to see keith up. “dont want to miss the early bird special tomorrow. what’re you doing up?”

“can we play?” asks keith.

lance is clearly doubly surprised, but he guides keith into his room. its as blissfully messy as it was before lance left for break. “you said we. do you play?”

keith picks up a lap-sized keyboard. “i used to.”

“i didnt know that. why didnt you say?”

“because you wouldve asked me to play with you.”

“thats true.” lance picks his ukulele, and they start to improvise together, each learning how the other plays, adjusting. “you werent kidding, you really play.”

“i wasnt kidding,” says keith.

suddenly, lance stops. “hey, is everything alright? youre acting weird. dont tell me youre regretting asking me to move back in.”

“no,” keith says immediately. “no, im just wondering if maybe... are you happy here? or is this just a roommate situation?”

“what do you mean, is this just a roommate situation?”

“you know what i mean.”

“no,” says lance. “i dont.”

“i mean,” says keith, “do you actually like living here, or do you live here because im your only option?”

lance sets down his ukulele. “i like living here because the bathroom tiles are cold when i get out of the shower so i hop to the rug by the door and pray to god i dont slip and break my neck. and because the sunset turns the kitchen wall purple while i make pasta. and because im the only one who can put my feet up on the coffee table. and because the cereal is arranged in alphabetical order and the plant’s name is herman. i like living here. here feels like home.”

keith kisses him. he stands up and backs away just as quickly, guilty, unable to believe he had just crossed the line like that. god, he’s going to have to tell doris about this. she would rip his head off so politely.

“what the fuck?” says lance, blunt and surprised. keith winces, about to apologize, when suddenly he’s being crowded up against the wall of his storage room, of lance’s bedroom, and kissed like his lips leaked chocolate. he melts. lance snakes one hand behind keith’s neck and the other around his waist, and keith tugs lance closer by the hips. the hand at keith’s neck digs into his hair and pulls out the hair tie. the hair tie disappears. keith pulls lance closer. 

lance pulls back. “finally.”

“you had the option to make the first move, you know.”

“nah, not me, i’m a coward.”

“yeah, right.”

they kissed again, with keith holding tighter and lance staying longer. keith thinks, doris isnt going to believe this one.

that night, the taboo on keith’s bedroom door breaks when keith invites lance to sleep on a queen sized mattress. it takes lance a full five minutes to stop laughing at the clear cowboy paraphernalia keith inherited growing up in texas, but he doesnt mind curling up to sleep by the potted cactus on the nightstand, whose name he politely asks for.

keith stops killing himself working to sell eco-friendly plastic cups, and with all his spare time, he and lance start writing songs together. shiro, in a display of good sportsmanship, never points out that he was right.

[thisiswhereidraw]

people dont know this but grace loves to leave gifts and positive notes in peoples lockers

she notices when people are feeling down or have seen them in a bad situation in school, like a confrontation with a bully or an embarrassing moment in class

sometimes she asks around what those specific people like or enjoy so she knows what gift to get them. when they ask she says “dont ask questions you dont want to know the answer to” better to give them an intimidating vibe than a suspicious one just to avoid further questions

she stays anonymous so people dont go asking questions because she likes to keep a low profile

one boy in her science class accidentally tripped and spilled (non-chemical) liquid over the teacher and he became a laughing stock. people called him H2 Dope for days

later on that week he found a cassette of his favourite band and a note that says how admiring his skills in science are

a girl got cheated on by her boyfriend and the blame was pitted on her

she arrived to school in fear of her locker being trashed but found it to be neat and tidy as it was yesterday with a choc chip cupcake and a note that reads how wonderful and powerful she is on her own and that she was more worthy than some dumb boy that cant appreciate a great girlfriend when he has one

another girl didnt get into the schools play and was so upset she lashed out onto her friends

the next week she found a list in her locker of local theatres holding auditions and a note that teaches her about how anger can blind you to hurt the ones you love. that girl started crying as she let the note fall to the floor

the students in her year level dont know how this even happened but it just….appeared one day. they dont know who it is or why its happening

some notes make people laugh. some make them cry. some make them reconsider themselves. sometimes it works. other times it doesnt. for these people it takes them time to realise and grace knows this

grace does this for her friends too. since she knows them personally, the researching part is a lot easier and she can give them a bit of extra treatment with her gifts and speaks more from the heart with her notes

they go around telling people what happened and when they come running to grace she keeps a straight face and smiles and nods politely “good for you, man!” good thing shes a great actress

there are times when its hard to write something down, either she doesnt know what to say, or the topic is so familiar and personal to her she cant stop shaking the pen in her hand and her eyes are being blurred as they sting with tears

everytime grace sees someone or hears a story or a rumour, she keeps note of them and remembers them for her next plan.

however grace knows that she cant keep track of everyone’s problems. sometimes she walks past a group of people without knowing that theyre getting into a brawl. sometimes shes not present for an argument between friends or she doesnt share the same class with someone who was getting yelled at by a cruel teacher. grace knows theres more problems that keep occurring at glass shard beach high, heck, she knows people could be dealing with things at home. shes cant be there for them and sometimes she feels this pain in her chest because once she realises how much of an impact she has been on her peers she wants to reach out to them but she cant and it hurts her and she needs to get a grip because shes been staring at her cereal for 10 minutes now and her dad is staring at her and shouldnt she be getting ready for school?

she sits in class thinking about her next plan, the teacher calls on her for not paying attention and she claims she was daydreaming again

if you ever see grace anywhere, chances are you catch her in the midst of her inner thoughts, eyes staring out into space and fingers tapping on whatever surface shes on subconsciously

grace can’t even remember how or when she even started. shes done it for so long she just accepted it as part of her agenda at school

eventually almost everyone in her year level has been visited by her act of kindness, and sometimes students in the year levels below grace have been visited by her

they share stories with each other, finding common ground in getting visits from this mysterious do-gooder, shes like the schools local cryptid

her friends get suspicious of her and wonder why she hadnt gotten any gifts or notes yet

she dismisses them and claims that she hasnt been in any bad situation yet. maybe she doesnt share any classes with them. and thats the end of the conversation

the stan twins hear these stories and at first stan makes an off-hand comment about them and ford just laughs with him but silently wonders when it could happen to him

its been two weeks since stanford got into a particularly brutal meeting with crampelter and his goons,  (if it wasnt for stan he would have ended up in hospital) and he begins to lose hope that this kind anonymous will ever visit him.

he gasps audibly when he finds tickets to the planetarium in his locker, and a note that reads his best qualities and states how hes not a freak and hes more than just his fingers and that he has no idea how loved and cared for he is (grace might have accidentally poured her heart out a bit too much in his note)

stan fails another test and gets a lecture and a few choice words from his father. stan and grace are outside waiting for ford to finish his chess club meeting and he casually mentions it to grace like its no big deal and stan was probably imagining things but he could of sworn he saw a glint in her eye when he finished talking. he had never seen that from her before but brushed it off when ford stepped out of the school building. then later out of the blue grace asks stan what comics he enjoyed

a few days later stan comes to school bummed out because how could he forget to buy his favourite comic?? he rushed to the store last night but the last copy was already sold. if the lecture he got from his father three days ago wasnt bad enough he was expecting most of his peers to be talking about the latest issue at school so he was already dreading the oncoming spoilers. what he was not expecting was to find a copy of “The Caper Boys” issue #18 along with a note that read how smart he is and that his talents lie more in areas that arent academic. that hes strong both physically and mentally and that hes definitely not a waste of space and hes absolutely worth it and hes enough hes enough hes enough (once again grace spills her heart onto the page)

the twins show each other what they found in their lockers and begin to realise that the author of these notes sound very familiar and only one person they know of speaks of them like that

they confront grace once day and tell her they know. they know about the gifts and the notes and how she stares off into space all the time and how shes always watching and listening and only she could afford things like tickets to the planetarium and that only she writes notes as genuine and kind as that and seriously who else would have told stanley and stanford pines that they were loved and cared for in this school did you really think we wouldnt catch on grace?

she stares at them for a moment and then the poker face she keeps putting on finally breaks as she lets out a small smile

“i knew you two were too smart for your own good”

they laugh with her as she talks about her little quests and how she got into so much trouble to get most of the gifts she had given

she continues her secret quests in cheering up the school. the twins are the only ones that know about this and sometimes they help her out. one day ford asks her if she had any reason to do all this. why go through the hassle? most of these people are assholes.

“dont question kindness” she responds

what did she mean by that? ford doesnt know but it sticks with him for longer than he can admit

no one else knows that grace is responsible. not the students not the teachers, no one, but you know what they dont mind because they like the mystery, the school is crummy enough as it is and everyone knows that anyone physically showing this much compassion will be the bullies next big target so maybe they should let it be a secret just to protect this person, whoever they are because damn if it isnt delightful to be surprised by the smell of that rose perfume that lingers after she visits and the sight of a folded up sheet of lilac paper, and theyll be damned if it stops all of a sudden

[teddy-feathers]

Saw a post "what would you say to your ten year old self?" so... Dont worry so much about being the odd kid out those people are pretty lame and hell dude youll learn this long before you can put it into words but people generally like you if you actively listen to them... But yeah they dont really get invested back. So do what YOU like always. Dont hold back, you did okay about that but theres no point feeling like you're failing. Being social ISNT essential and youre not missing out on much really because again THEYRE kinda lame dude. Like seriously theyre not interested about your books or games or dont want to geek out WITH you? Then... Whats the point? And it sucks i know but you were right all along - do you. Fuck bras, fuck caring about weight, appearance, what other people think about how you look act and like especially fuck your aunt whos going to make you doubt that. Because honestly? Image of you reflecting on the family? ISNT a fucking thing except in very specific instances and you already KNOW that. Look I'm over twice your age now and let me tell you may be i feel a bit weird when i dress uber sloppy/comfy and its the same feeling I get when I dress "fun" but ive never regreted being comfortable in what I wanted to wear. But every time I dress for someone else? For how I should dress? Completely felt like shit the whole time not worth it. Another thing you were right about. The whole "like men but not going to missout on true love or whatever if they happen to be a girl or more than one person or something" THAT yes. Also you dont like guys. Its gross sex stuff I know you dont care about right now, but I know youll want to know in about two years so I'll just say - you dont give two fucks about whats in the other persons pants, what they look like or anything. Hell youre only demiromantic let alone sexual. Hmmm that may not be helpful youre ten and like i said you wont care for two years so how about... You want strong friendships. That love. Sex. Well you know. Youll figure it out and try it out long before youre really ready to know but thats okay. Just. Dont feel bad or obligated to like people back. You just dont and thats okay. You can date friends or not date. No biggy. But that thing youre craving is friendship and youll get it. Dont settle for less though. Another thing youre right about - I'm telling you the things youre RIGHT about so hopefully you REMEMBER them instead of doubting yourself - you dont want to be the center of someones world. You dont want to be responsible for other peoples happiness and YOU DONT HAVE TO BE EVER. And you dont need or have to want anyone to fill you up either. Its totally okay to just want to be you, do your thing, and make friends. I know, i said they were lame right? They dont share your interests. They dont listen. They dont care. I know. It sucks. But dont try to please them by changing you. Dude you meet so many wonderful people who do like things you like. Just. Make friends with people you like. Yes theyre scary and your definition of cool. Its better than being the token girl, making friends with gross people youd rather avoid. News flash: boys arent cool. Girls arent evil. Asshats are asshats reguardless of gender. Again just go talk to people you like and fuck everyone else. Now the really important thing. You love to read. Keep doing that. Steal all the time and dont regret it im so proud of you for being that person. Write. Write your stories and poetry, pretend its class notes, invest in a notebook cause lose paper gets soooo messy and crumples but yeah. Keep writing. No you dont have to know spelling or grammer or anything. Write whatever you want. People who think its stupid? LAME people trust me I know so many COOL talented people now and writing? Writing is cool. And youre good at it. You dont have to share it. But dont think its cringy or stupid. Write. Its really good and... I gave up thinking like that. And now? Now Ive been writing for about a year now. 26 and i have days where every word is a struggle and it sounds bland and boring but... In a year? Ive gotten so much better and people actually like some of my shit. So you just imagine if you keep writing? By the time youre me youll actually have published if you keep going. Keep writing. Because youll have had ten plus years of experience. Lastly... Its okay to not like shit. To be angry upset bored... Yes it makes things easier to find reasons to like what youre doing even though its sucky chores or doing things you didn't want to be doing... But you can hate it. To not what to put up with it. You dont have to shove yourself into a cage and smile and pretend things are okay. Being in trouble doesnt mean your wrong or have to change. Oh hey see if you can learn that sometimes youre not the one in trouble. They are ;) Youre stong. Smart. Clever. Creative. Pretty. Tough. You're a hard worker. Yeah I know I always tried to get out of doing things but dude You - I - We've never done things by halfs. Tend to give our all. No wonder we dont want to do anything huh? Its exhausting. But we keep going. We're stubborn. And... Theres going to be a lot of shit we're going to go through but... Youre always going to make it out to the other side. Youre going to be okay I promise. ... Lying is a problem with us but thats okay. You know why lying what we're always doing? Its because they made the truth the problem for us. If you can... It'll change things and I cant promise you it'll be for the better but... Only lie to protect yourself. Tell the truth when YOU trust people, not to the people you "should" trust - never do things just because you "should" listen to your gut and do what YOU feel is okay or not. - but do try to be honest about other people to yourself and to others. Dont... Lie to protect people. Maybe thingsll get easier if you do. You know how your parents treat you like the worst combination of adult and child? That never changes. Because theyre just kids too. I know they feel like they know and experienced so much so they must be right and you must be wrong but... Theyre kids figuring it out as they go along so SURE theyre right that they fooled you into believing it. They have a good prespective to work from but so do you. Theyre never yelling about you. Its never about you. They love you but that doesnt mean your dads not an asshole. Your moms not always wrong she just gives up arguing. Theyre arguing about the fact they suck at talking to one another and that they each always have to have thier way. It has nothing to do with you. Fuck grades. Just learn what you want. Also just do everything in school and then "do home work" - that is whatever the fuck you want - at home. You DONT have to be busy doing something productive every second but sense thats how they seem to want it, just use it against them. Youre "busy" on "homework" that you already had done so just play you game read write whatever. Fuck grades though. You learn better when you stop caring about them. Dont get sucked into dads humor even if you mean it positively or as a joke. YES its awesome that some people date the same gender as them. YES some girls dont have what you think - think not know - of as girl parts in their pants. YES people cross dress. Hell do it like youre going to want to. It IS fun. But dont CARE or deride people about whats in their pants or who theyre doing what with. Oh and some people DONT want to do anything sexual with anyone. Again. Dont laugh. Because guess what? Youre one of them. Do your "dumb kid shit". Just do it. Brag about it. Laugh at anyone who gives you shit cause theyre LAME for not liking it. Trust me. Also cussing - dude youre an adult and can do what you want... Though its WAY more fun to use made up curse I promise. Snail snot. Holey socks. Fudge it all to fudgedom hall up on old fudge hill. I know. Not much of a cheat sheet and a lecture to rivial any dads ever given. But... I still dont have all the answers. And thats okay. And even if you follow all this only YOU can control and experience YOUR life. If you actually get to read this... Youll grow up into someone different. Just as different if I told you in detail what happens from then to now. People who give you road maps and tell you to avoid the pot holes... They just make you feel like shit because you SEE it coming and do it anyways. So do you. Keep some of this in mind maybe. Youll be pretty cool either way even on the days you dont feel like it. Be safe Teddy (best nickname btw just saying)

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx

[the-fiction-witch]

This World of Ours p4 of ?

REAL LIFE: POS APOLOLIPTIC COUPLE: TBS X READER RATING: SMUTTY

Y/N POV:

we both then get up and go to our room after a few seconds he walks of to have a shower and while he's gone I change into by white pijama's and sit in bed I get a book from the side table and pick up where I left reading last night I'm currently reading a book about the rules and laws of our society mainly becuase I dont have a choice I either read this or I dont read anything "any and all defyance of the ruler will lead to punishment any and all refusal to work will lead to punishment any and all atempts to leave the city will lead to punishmet any and all refusal to honour you match will lead to punishment" and so on "citizens will be watched by the watchers at all times citizens will be punished without remorce citizens will report to there work place for there sifts or face punsihment citizens at the age of 19 will be matched with a member of the oposite gender and they will me matched forever citizens at the age of 23 must have had a child if this has not been done thoguth intent they will be punished if it has not be done becuase of registraed reason a child will be taken from another family citizens are only allowed one child per family if there are more the others will be taken to either other familys or to be watchers all citizens are two familys to one living courters-" then my book was shut for me and I notice Thomas has come back and he is now showered, changed and is sat in bed beside me with my closed book in his hand "why do you read this" he asks "I dont know it's something to read" I answer "why this though this life is depressing enoguh with out you re-reading the rules we have to live by" he says "I know I mean I still dont like reading that rule" I say "wich one" he asks "well two actully one) the fact all citizens will be watched by watchers at all times that one creeps me out a bit and two) at 23 you must have a kid" I reply "well 23 is a long time away and yeah the fact we are contantly being watched is not a nice thing to be reminded of" he says laying back on the bed looking up at the celling I then copy him so I'm laying right beside him "mum says the time will fly by after 19 she says 23 will just dawn on you when your not expecting it the time in wich you must have a child" I say "well its still a long time in my opinion but I dont like the fact we can only have one that doesnt seem fair" he says "but it is fair thats why its like that so everyone gets one" I reply "I know but I want more then one" he says acting like a child "well your not allowed its the rules" I laugh "I know" he said turning on his side to face me " boy or girl y/n?" he asks "what" I ask a bit confused "do you want a boy or a girl" he asks I have to sit and think for a second I had no idea a little boy or a little girl till after about a minuet of thinking I answer "a little boy" "why" he asks "I dont know I want a little boy" I reply "well that makes this difficult" he says sighing "why?" I ask "because I want a girl" he answered "why?" I ask laughing slightly perfect he wants a girl and I want a boy maybe well make some sort of hybrid then "becuase I want to be a little girls daddy" he asnwered "cute, but we dont really have much choice in it, the child will be what ever it is we dont have much choice in it" I say "I know we dont I still want a girl, I dont like little boys" he says "you where a little boy once" I remind him "who said I liked me when I was little" he laughed "you seemed pretty happy" I laugh "of course I did I was content with my ignorance" he says I can't help but laugh at him "night Thomas" I say to him "night y/n" he replys I then begin to turn away to sleep only to be interupted by him speeking again "arent we gonna do the thing" he says "what thing"I ask no idea what he's talking about "you know like our parents do" he says I look at him very strangely for a second I still have no idea what he means serveral idea's come to mind but I dont know what he means "what do you mean?" I ask still looking at him watching his face for any sign "you know" he begins before starting to make kissing faces at me oh he means a goodnight kiss well that clam me down considerably "oh, I thoguht you meant something else for a second" I reply before leanign follward and giving him a kiss "we can do that aswell" he smirks "no" I snap as I trun away from him to sleep "why not" he asks from behind me as he wraps his arms around my waist "becuase I'm not sure I trust you enoguht yet" I reply elbowing him in the chest again "fine" he sighs still not removing his arms from my waist but I didnt mind for a second just enjoying the dark and the quiet I shut my eyes and go to sleep. when I wake up it's getting late any minuet now if Thomas's not awake he's gonna get shocked I turn to look at him his arm is still around me he's still asleep I know it would be mean to not wake him up but it is funny to watch him get shocked but I decied to wake him up or he would be very anoyed at me so I place my hand on his chest and begin to move him and he slowly opens his eye's "hey" he say's "hey, get up or you'll get shocked" I reply "oh thanks" he says "your welcome" I reply we both then sit up and yawn "what time is it" he asks "it's ten" I answer "what then how am I still tired we slept all yesterday" he says yawning again "I dont know maybe your just lazy" I reply getting out of bed and walk out into the kitchen area and straight to the box placeing me hand in and with in seconds there's a cup of white tea and like yesterday before I have chance to move there's arms around my waist again "morning y/n" he says resting his head on my sholder "morning, I see the tochiness has extended to today" I say "of course it has it's gonna extend forever" he say's I can't help but giggle "really forever" I ask "yes we are stuck together forever so this sort of thing will continue forever" he reply's before he grips my hips and truns me around so I'm looking at him he's smirking at me till a few seconds pass and he looks in pain I also can feel a burning pain at my stomac looking down I notice my tea is stuck between us I step back letting the cup not touch either of us and we both laughed I hit his chest pushing him out my way as I walk over to the table and sit down stiring my tea with the spoon while I put the tv for the sunday anouncments after a few seconds Thomas is sat beside me with what I assume is coffie as I know he hates tea as soon as the white of the countdown to anouncments is of the screen a man in a white suit with light skin and dark blue eyes is sat the ruler for now atleast and he begins to speek all I know for sure is all the world I know is listening as it's the law we listen to this guy once a week "good morning citizens of williten, this is week 987634523 of the new calendar there are currently no editaions to the rules and laws we live by but we have had reports of an underground rebal network has began if you have any information on this you will inform it to the watchers denial to inform and you will be punished when this underground network is fully discorvered all involed will be punished emediatly without remorse and anyone in conection with anyone invloved will be taken for questioning by the watchers and if it is found they have protected the rebals or in anyway witheld information from the watchers they to will be punished, also and update the affairs of bentian are none of the citizens consern as allways all borders are closed and will remain closed indefinatly any defyance will be punished and finaly there has been romours going around the ruling bloodline is corrupt if after testing that is true it will be passed to the passive bloodline good day citizens of williten" then the image disaperes and the tv switches of I look over at Thomas he looks worried "are you alright" I ask a bit conserned "I'm fine just anoyed I woke up for that"he sigh's rubbing his eyes "can I go back to bed now" he asks "no we're up now might aswell stay up now" I answer drinking some more of my tea it's discusting tea today it's all herbal tasteing now the normal tea I get after a few more sips I take my cup and tip it down the sink "what you do that for" Thomas asks "it's not my normal tea, it tastes strange like herbs" I reply "oh god comes to a thing were even you won't drink the tea" he laughs "so what are we gonna do today" he asks me as I return to my seat "I may call up y/bff/n in a bit" I reply refering to of course my best freind annilentica me and her where best freinds all thoguh school as we both share the horror of long strange names I needed to see her on an important matter she was getting married in a few week's and I was going to  be her maid of honour so we had alot to do but I knew from previous experieces thoguht my time knowing y/bff/n, Thomas didnt like her that much even when we where kids and she's come around the flat to play Thomas never really liked her I never really got why though "will she be bringing oscar with her" he asks sounding very unhappy oscar now even I didnt like oscar y/bff/n's match and husband to be now we both didnt like him but he was y/bff/n's match so I had to accsept him and y/bff/n loved him he was that guy at school the show off one the one that messed around all year failed his exam's and didnt care she of course would be bringing him she doesnt go anywhere now without him "I'm afraid so" I reply Thomas then sighed putting his head in his hands "I hate that guy and your gonna abandon me with him because you and y/bff/n are gonna be doing wedding stuff" he sighed "if you really dont want to be around him why not go out" I sugest "where" he asks "I dont know go down and see finly" I sugest "no way he's got danni and she's allready pregnate so he's busy dealing with her" he sighs "then I dont know if you want when they get here go into our room lock the door and go back to sleep then ill wake you when theyve gone" I say "no I will stay with you and idure the toucher" he say's "okay but dont complain then" I giggle at him "I promise I won't comaplain" he says "good now go have a shower" I say "what why" he says looking at me like a child again "becuase I say so we have guests comeing so go take a shower and get dressed" I say to him "why bother no one can tell the difference between when I'm wearing pijama's and went I'm wearing normaly clothes it's all white and all looks the same" he complains "still, go and shower or I will make you deal with oscar all day on your own" I threaten he looks at me sourly for a second then sighs sitting back on his chair letting his head fall so he's looking at the celling "fine" he sighs before getting up he gave me a kiss on the cheek then walked of to the bathroom I then get up and walk over to the white phone in the main living room area and dial y/bff/n's flats number after three rings it picks up "hey y/n" she says "hey y/bff/n are we having the meeting today" I ask "of course if it's not to much trouble" she says "no way I've got nothing to do today, plus it will get you out that flat a bit" I say "totally is it okay if I bring oscar to" she asks "sure he and Thomas can have boy chatts while us girls do the fun stuff" I laugh the conversation then just turned into chatting of nothing of any real importance just little things all girls disscuss for a while till I assumes oscars on the other end of the phone with her as I can here him talking "when do you want us there y/n" she asks "I dont know give it time I'm not dressed yet" I reply just as I can feel arms wapping around me from behind but a strange sensation behind me this isnt normal slightly turnning my head I notice jeremys not exactly dressed he stood behind me with a towel around his waist and thats it I can't help but laugh "what are you lauhging at y/n" y/bff/n said at the other end of the phone "oh nothing just Thomas beging stupid" I reply "hey" he says from behind me "will you be quiet I'm on the phone go put some clothes on Thomas" I reply taking the phone from my mouth so y/bff/n can't here me "I will see you in a bit y/n" she says "see you" I reply hanging up the phone and puting my hands where jeremys are "I think someone is getting into a habbit of doing this" I say to him "I like doing it it's funny to watch you get caught of guard" he say's laughing "well stop it I dont mind sometimes but not when your like this" I reply also laughing "like what" he asks "when your not dressed" I laugh "I'm not not dressed there's plently more undressed this situation could get" he laughs "you dirty boy" I say to him pulling his arms of me even thoguh I'm still laughing "go put some clothes on before y/bff/n and oscar get here" I tell him "why bother as soon as there gone I'm just gonna take the clothes of again"he says puting his amrs around me again this time so I'm facing him I know what he's trying to do he's trying to flit trying and failing I can't help but laugh at his attempt "is that really your best try Thomas" I say still laughing "no I can do better I just know at the moment I dont have to" he says "and why is that" I reply "becuase I know you all I have to do is wait" he says before letting go of me and walking of into the bedroom I then walk of and change into my normal white shirt and white skirt in the bathroom as soon as I'm done I go and sit on the sofa in the living room area of the flat thinking till a few seconds later Thomas is sat beside me dressed like normal for him just white tight trousers and a white shirt he had a point there was not much difference between his clothes he used to sleep and everyday ones he sat for a moment looking at me before speeking "you alright" he asks "I'm fine just thinking" I reply "what are you thinking about" he asks "nothing important" I reply "be that as it may tell me anyway" he says putting his arm around me pulling me into him on one side "everyones a head of them selfs I can't help but think were behind" I say "what" he asks "everyones doing stuff I mean Ki Hong's got danni pregnate allready, oscar and y/bff/n are getting married everyone we knows allready getting well invested in there lives and here we sit still flirting" I say "nothing wrong with flirting" he says "I never said there was anything wrong with it I'm just thinking that's all everyones getting stuck into there lives together and we havent done anything are we odd?" I say in reply "we're not odd,you said yesterday this is forever we dont have to rush this stuff I mean the only real landmark is that we have to have a kid in 4 year's other than that we can do what we like" he replys "well I'm not having a kid till after we're married I'm not bringing up a kid without being married" I say something my mum allways said to me that it's wrong to have a child if your not married allready even though most people dont bother getting married as poeple think being matched puts you together forever anyway so most people think theres no real point in getting married but I'm sticking to my guns with this "I know you won't your mum allways said it was wrong to do it that way relax, it'll happen just give it time" he reply's "I know, it's just gonna be odd if were last out of everyone I mean y/bff/n and oscar hated each other eight months ago" I add "yeah I'm suprised there getting married at all" he says "I know the only real reason he's marrying her" I say "whats that then" he asks "she won't let him do anything till she's married" I reply "well that certianly explains it" he says "yeah apparently she won't let him do anythign till she's married" I say "uh...where do you stand on that" he asks "what" I have to ask wondereing what he's talking about "where do you stand on the whats allowed before and after marridge" he asks "fine up to kids then marridge" I reply I hear him let out a sigh of releif "why worried?" I ask "no just curious" he laughed at that moment there was a knock at the door and Thomas put his head to the back of the sofa and grounded in anoyance "dont be mean it will be fine I'm sure" I say getting up and going to the door when I open it I can clearly see y/bff/n and oscar, oscar is a rather tall man with short black hair and messy clothes more grey then white and y/bff/n is a short thin girl with blonde hair in a plat down her back she looks very young even thoguh she is the same age as me and oscar looks much older then all of us alot of times when I see him all I can think of is the word rebal if anyone around here was a rebal it would be him "hey y/n" y/bff/n says "hey" I reply as she huggs me then walks into the room she sits on the far side of the sofa far away from Thomas they didnt even give each other a hello just a passing glance as she's sat there I notice she has a bag but I know why it's full of stuff like magazines and idea sheets she had for her wedding oscar stood leaning on the sofa just above her I then go and sit between Thomas and y/bff/n trying to be in the cetre of both of them so I'm not picking one or the other I can see by the look in oscars face he's not happy about something I'm not sure I want to know what as y/bff/n begins to speek about the wedding "okay so first things first, fashion" she says "yeah for you y/bff/n what are you going with traditional or upbeat" I ask "upbeat" she answers "okay that gives you ivy or linnin for you and then several options for me and the girls" I may sound like I know what I'm doing but other than wedding I really dont I just have an key eye for wedding fashion "I've got ivy, and sifron for you and the girls" she says "really ivy and sif, are they clashing on pourpose" I ask "yes they are" she answers "right okay I'm up with it now" I say this contiued for a while just little bits and peices for the wedding oscar looking more anoyed as time went on till y/bff/n was showing me a picture of her dress and I have to ask him "oscar are you okay" "fine" he snaped "if you guy's want to do something while we do this it's okay" y/bff/n said "I'm good" Thomas said eventhoguh I can tell by his voices he's bored out of his mind he's now sat leaning on his arm stareing into space "if he's not going anywhere,I'm not going anywhere"oscar snarled still stood almost glareing at y/bff/n "thinking about the boys for a second y/n how's you guys going"y/bff/n asks "were good" I say taking his other hand I can see him smileing allready "you guys set any dates yet" she asks "no we're playing it all by ear" Thomas says pulling me into him so my head is resting on his sholder I can't help but laugh "awe you two are so cute" y/bff/n said giggleing at us both "who would have imagned back in the day's running around this flat you two you be together" she said at that my mind almost went into a full flashback of a certain memory "y/bff/n we really need to be getting back"oscar said or more snarled pulling me back out of my flashback "yeah we need to be getting of" she said "I will call you when we have the stuff" "sure ill be here or at work" I say getting up and showing them out bidding them both goodbye at the door then closeing it and sitting back with Thomas he looks slightly happier now "sorry" I say "it's fine you can't help the fact she's haveing a boreing wedding" he replys "I know I just can't beleve she's having clashing bridesmaids dresses to her's it's gonna look so weired"I say for a while we both just sat stareing into space till I yawned and knew I was sleepy even thoguh it was still early "Thomas" I say "yeah y/n" he replys "can we go to bed I'm tired" I reply yawning again "okay" he says putting his arm around me and pulling us both up of the sofa we then both walked into our room and both laid on the bed neither of us entirely asleep I was laying on my side facing away from Thomas he was facing me with his arms around my waist as usual till after a few miuets one of his hands began to move around my stomac at first then up and down my arms then around my neck my only thoguht was self explainitory what on earth is he doing is he trying to flirt again is this some sort of weired thing he does in his sleep beofe I know whats going on there are only a few of the more inimet places his hand hasnt been I turn around to face him to see is eye's are still shut but it's obvious he's awake "what are you doing" I ask him "trying to find it" he replys keeping his eyes shut "find what" I ask "where your sweet spots are" he laughed "I can't find them anywhere" he says opening his eyes I can't help but laugh at him "well your not gonna find them like that are you" I laugh "well I want to know where they are for future reference" he says after a long thoguh I roll so I'm on top of him sit up then laugh "I'm not letting you know where mine are till I know exactly where yours are" I laugh looking down at his suprised and slightly confused face after a few seconds his hands are around my waist but I quickly take them off again "now sit still I'm a nurse I know what I'm doing yet I allso know what to do if you missbehave becuase I know of a way to kill you using only my hands and without any screams or blood" I say pretending to be serisous "of course nurse" he says laughing at me I just sit there on top of him and cross my arms trying to be serious again till he stops laughing "now, stay still eye's shut mouth slightly open Thomas" I say in my serious nurse voice "why mouth open" he asks it sounded like a literal question "who's the nurse here" I say crossing my arms again "I'm a doctor" he laughs "no your not Thomas" I say laughing "yes I am I have a doctoret dont I" he says now being serious "in geology and spectromics Thomas that doesnt make you a doctor" I reply "whatever" he says shuting his eyes and not fully shuting his mouth "please stay still,reframe from talking and if posible keep your hands to yourself" I say being serious again "I will try but no promise's" he say's laughing slightly at that second I get into my nurse mood and acting all serious I can tell he's waiting for me to do something so I know I'm going to tease him for a while, after a few seconds I pull his shirt of as soon as it's off is that I throw it to the floor the look back at him I have seen his with his shirt of before but not like this he's very pale and very thin but with no real muscels it's nothing new to me to see him without a shirt I have seen his comeplty naked before

[dicaxasinus]

all the questions for sophia and peter

can u hear me screaming about having to answer 90 questions at once from canada. can u cel. can u.

Sophia Cervantes

1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

sophias got 2 siblings, an older sister named abigail and a younger brother named felix, but shes closer to felix than abigail bc 1) hes more fun and 2) hes in school to be a doctor and is willing to help her sometimes when superhero-ing goes less than well

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

it was okay? like her mom was encouraging about anything she wanted to do and she was the one to actually try to help sophia whenever her daydreams started manifesting as illusions but she didnt do a lot to stop her dad whenever he got on the ‘you need to do better’ train.

3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

her dad was always trying to push an intense sibling rivalry onto his kids and up until college he succeeded. but saying stuff like ‘you got an A- on this test? [sibling] got an A+ on theirs, and you can do better than them’ just kinda fostered a lot of bitterness towards him for all of his kids so its not really the best relationship.

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

i dont know about fundamentally but she probably saw something happen on the news and thought ‘... i could do something about that’ and then started superhero-ing. itd probably be when chime came into the picture that she started stepping up her game so that she could like. actually fight physically her powers arent exactly combat oriented.

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

pocket lint and her trusty kazoo and thats all thatll fit womens pockets are stupid

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

not that i can think of?

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

nah dont think so

8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

shes not a gun person she doesnt fight to kill she fights to arrest and bring to trial

9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

she grew up pretty well-off and thats why she and her siblings were pushed so hard to succeed and she and felix at least are probably still financially dependent on their dad so? probably not? she trying to break away from that but shes still in law school so its Tough to do that

10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

she goes for practicality and comfort so it really all depends on the weather. she doesnt like crop tops or anything like that tho so definitely not less clothing.

11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

either the first time she confronted chime and was woefully unprepared or the time that she and chime had to work together to fight somebody Worse and it all went to hell both were pretty frightening

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

probably when shes alone in her room and she can just let her daydreams go and take her wherever her imagination can create (guest starring daydream construct lenore sometimes but that just makes sophia embarrassed even though she knows nobody else is there to see any of it)

13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

shes not bothered if its like bloody nose blood but if its like someone is bleeding out on the sidewalk blood then shes bothered, she doesnt like seeing it in huge amounts, it makes her feel nauseous bc she cant do anything to help that she doesnt know how

14. Does your character remember names or faces easier?

names, she cant always recognize someone on their face alone, if she could shed probably be able to figure out who chime is more easily.

15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

shes probably never had to think about it tbh so not really

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

its kinda ingrained in her since childhood to equate success with happiness so thanks dad

17. What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

she saw the spongebob episode with the imagination box and took it to heart

18. Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

i wanna say wisdom but given how hard shes been pushed since forever shes probably going to look down a little on people who dont have any ambition whatsoever

19. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

shes not great at talking about important issues, whether its something she feels or something that she thinks the other person might feel. she just kinda tries to laugh it all off and hope it goes away eventually.

20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

probably both. shes probably like ‘yeS i did better than abigail on this thing fuck yeah’ but then also like ‘i placed third in the class on this thing im clearly a failure’ everythings pass/fail and the only acceptable place is the Top

21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

shes quick to blame others if it seems reasonable. like say there was some fire. shed probably think ‘i could have saved more people if i had gone a little faster’ but shes not going to blame herself for the place burning down, thats the fault of the arsonist, u feel?

22. What does your character like in other people?

she likes when people can debate with her and not just agree. like dont get me wrong she loves being right but she likes being able to prove it even more and when someones debating with her it means theyre listening and not just tuning her out and nodding vacantly.

23. What does your character dislike in other people?

she doesnt like when people have 0 sense of humor like when she does something stupid for laughs (eg: the kazoo) if someones looking at her like shes the dumbest person alive for it then shes gonna get irritated and never want to be around them ever again.

24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?

with all her secrets? almost never youll have to kill her first or find out on your own. to be friends? talk to her for 10 minutes and youre friends

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

if she sees someone acting shifty shes going to suspect them of something even if shes not sure what and keep a closer eye on them. if shes close with that person and is looking at them through the rose-colored lenses (lenore) she might not notice as quickly.

26. How does your character behave around children?

she acts pretty silly and will play games and stuff with them. one time she taught all the younger cousins on her dads side of the family to play the kazoo. she told felix she felt like the pied piper of kazoos as they all paraded around the family reunion annoying the shit out of e v e r y o n e

27. How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

sophias thought process: will words work? yes? use them. no? how about illusions? yes? use them. no? Fists

28. How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

as quick as necessary but its not usually her first choice

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

she decided pretty young that she wanted to help fix things in the world so law was the goal bc in her mind it combined justice and success

30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

she hates having her hands & hair feel gross if one of them does then she needs to wash it immediately no questions. it doesnt matter if she just got licked by a puppy that hand needs to be washed now

31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

shes in her room. the door is closed, the only light comes from two nightlights on opposite sides of the room. shes under all of her blankets in the comfy pjs and her pillow is delightfully cool. she lets her mind wander from all the tests papers and responsibilities she has and watches a movie of her minds creation play out not in her head but actually in front of her eyes. shes warm, happy, and calm.

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

shes out as phantasm, just finished a job, and now the press is there. theyre asking so many questions. shes tired and wants to leave but theyre a mob. shes gotta figure out a way to escape without leading someone back home.

ALTERNATIVELY

shes at a family reunion, just finished a semester, and now her aunts are there. theyre asking so many questions. shes tired and wants to leave but thats rude. then tia asks, ‘when are you going to get a boyfriend?’ shes gotta figure out a way to escape without letting her whole extended family know shes Super Gay

33. In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

defensive but willing to improve, shes had Experiences being criticized before but shes always willing to improve anyway

34. Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

probably try something different, even if its just slight differences like ‘this part is what didnt work if i just change it a little then it should work this time.’

35. How does your character behave around people they like?

shes gonna try to make them laugh. people like to laugh so if she makes them laugh then she Wins bc that probably means they like her. then she can try to impress them in other ways and make them like her more

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?

37. Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

im gonna say honor tho i dont really know how applicable it is? what status does she have

38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

remove the problem/threat definitely if shes not the target then someone else might be and she Wont Have That

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

she got bit by a dog once but it didnt really have much effect it happened when she was old enough to know that she probably did something it didnt like the owner of the dog apologized immediately so she doesnt have a lasting fear of dogs or anything

40. How does your character treat people in service jobs?

she treats them with respect shes not a barbarian

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

shes gotta earn it and shes gonna Fight for what she wants

42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

nah

43. Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

nah

44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

she doesnt usually say it cause she doesnt have anyone to say it to other than family but she sure does think it a lot when she does have someone to think it about. and shes def not gonna say it if she doesnt mean it

45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

she doesnt really know whats gonna happen and thats the scary part. the not knowing. also the fact that shes probably gonna leave some things unfinished and she doesnt want that. thats what scares her.

Peter Brennan

1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

theyve got some cousins that are around their age but nobody particularly close.

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

their mom is supportive of their endeavors in sports and in academics but hopes that their being nonbinary is just a phase and forgets a lot so thats. something

3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

their dad loves going to peters track meets and cheers The Loudest no matter what happens peter could lose and hed be like ‘youll get em next time sport’ 

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

like before idk if this is ‘fundamentally’ but when they were little they were reading some comic book about The Flash and it was storming outside and they saw a tree get struck by lightning and thought it was the coolest shit ever so they decided ‘i wanna be like the flash’ and thats how they got started with track and science together

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

their phone, a coin for decision making, and at least 1 pen

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

they dream about flying a lot

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

nah

8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

theyre a kid they have not fired a gun ever

9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

 theyre still growing up

10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

more usually, its basketball shorts and hoodies for this kid

11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

any time jessie drags them into a haunted house at 3am and makes spooky ghost sounds then claims ‘it wasnt me dude’

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

theyre in a car and its raining and the sound of it is just nice to hear

13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

only in the sense that it means somebody is hurt usually

14. Does your character remember names or faces easier?

it takes peter like at least 3 interactions with somebody to remember them unless it was something crazy

15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

not really cause again they probably didnt have to think about it too much

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

happiness definitely

17. What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

they were big into webkinz their fav was the mini golden retriever

18. Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

ambition bc that ambition can be like ‘im going to find bigfoot’ and thats way more fun than wisdom

19. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

theyre like 14 they havent had a relationship but probably just immaturity would be their biggest flaw at this point

20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

validation i think

21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

if its their fault/their idea theyll take responsibility and theyll only take the blame for someone else if theres some kinda Bigger Consequence if it was the other persons fault but otherwise? theyre gonna blame someone else

22. What does your character like in other people?

the ability to have a Good Time

23. What does your character dislike in other people?

when theyre unable to keep up with them in any sense of the word whether thats intellectually or 

24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?

pretty quick if they made a good impression

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

theyre not too suspicious in general tbh so regardless of whether theyre close or not theyre not gonna suspect people too much

26. How does your character behave around children?

they dont

27. How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

‘hey man can you maybe relax a little’

28. How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

theyre not violent theyre just speedy so theyd probably run away first

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

theyre still dreaming of going into science and theyre Making It Happen

30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

thick layers of dust on things so like in a room that hasnt been used or touched in a year and theres like an inch of dust on every flat surface and theres cobwebs everywhere theyre just Disgusted

31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

theyre in front of a camera with their best friend talking about science and whats happening in whatever it is theyre doing and then seeing what happens

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

someones flirting with them. thats it. they dont know how to react so they just kinda laugh uncomfortably and try to bail

33. In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

always willing to improve

34. Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

depends if its an actual problem that needs solving or if its just an experiment theyll try something else if its an actual problem but if its an experiment theyll keep trying the original method so that they can gather data

35. How does your character behave around people they like?

extremely clingy and boisterous needing a break after interacting with them is probable

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?

peters gonna act like normal but kinda pointedly exclude the people they dislike and hope they Get The Hint

37. Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

uh the school has an honor code for a reason? its gonna be respected no cheating in this house

38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

remove themselves but the threat is usually a chance for ghosts and like fuck peters gonna try to move a ghost

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

not bitten but they got scratched by a cat when they were little and now they dont like them very much and then their dog also got scratched by a dog once so when theyre out running and they see a cat theyll make a pretty wide berth to Stay Away

40. How does your character treat people in service jobs?

with pleases and thank yous their lives are hard enough dammit

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

earn they train and study hard all the time they deserve to treat themself for that

42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

nah

43. Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

nah

44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

they tell their dog that they love him every day and they mean every word of it

45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

if they die theyre coming back as a ghost and haunting the shit out of jessie bc they probably got killed by another ghost in some haunted house that he dragged them to

[springfieldblues]

I love Kearney, and the rest of the bullies so I have a theory on what happened to their ages throughout the show because with Kearney’s character being all over the place, I needed some answers. Also, I apologize if this is like, super long! I have a lot of thoughts about this lol

So, in the beginning, even Nelson was said to be the oldest boy in Bart’s class. I’m thinking they were imagining him to be 12/13/14 in the beginning. I say this because, even now that we’ve seen Nelson have a 10th birthday which makes him younger than Bart, Nelson is still bigger than most of the other students his age, and is almost as tall as Dolph who if you looked it up, is supposedly about 14/15, which I don’t really think has changed all that much as we don’t see him really do anything that would make me believe otherwise like driving or having kids.

And speaking of Dolph, in the beginning Kearney was much shorter and wasn’t that much taller than Dolph. So, by looking at how similar heights are on most characters in certain age groups, this is important. (Bart is basically the same heigh as the rest of the 10 year olds and Lisa is about the same height as all her 8 year old friends) I think in the beginning, Kearney was at most 15 like Dolph. I not only say this because of his height but because Jimbo is in charge even though Kearney and Dolph seem to enjoy bullying just as much as he does. Now, what makes Jimbo qualified to lead them? Seniority at this point.

I’m going to stick with the idea that Jimbo is 16/17 and always has been simply because he tries to sleep with Laura, gropes Shauna goodbye, and canonically has a son with Darcy and making him any younger would be uncomfortable. Also, I’m assuming that Shauna is within that age range (possibly being 18 though, I’m undecided) as well because she has multiple jobs and has been seen making out or flirting with Squeaky Voiced Teen on a few occasions. That being said, Jimbo is taller than her, but not by much, which means that he’s around the same age. So, in the beginning he was the oldest.

Now that we’re much further along, I think they got tired of the same old well, he’s a bully because he’s dumb and failed, so they wanted a more comedic effect from the bullies. Obviously Dolph isn’t old enough to have been married and divorced, so let’s pick the heavier, bald, bully to play that part. Thus, Kearney is now taller, can drive, shaves during school assemblies, has two kids, and has been divorced in canon. Sure, Jimbo’s still in charge, but Kearney doesn’t care because he’s got his own adult things to worry about. It’s like Nelson, his age had to be adjusted to fit the new narrative he was being put into and I think that he’s a much better character because of it.

oh man..........i dont think youre supposed to read that much into kearney's age and the gags around it hjhjdksf its impossible to make sense of and thats kind of the joke

i really doubt they ever meant to make nelson anything older than 12, but like you said, hes shown to have a 10th birthday on the show and thats the only confirmation of his age theres ever been. however this doesnt mean he was 9 before, or that bart is older than him even if theyre both 10 now. in the simpsons when a character is 10 and they have a birthday, they turn 10 again. lisa has had like three 8th birthdays in the show by now (and the only time they showed her turning 9 was in a non-canon THOH). thats just simpsons continuity for ya

i dont personally think heights are that important because theyve been very inconsistent with that sort of thing. characters arent always on model...the bullies in particular almost never are. sometimes kearney is shorter, sometimes hes taller, sometimes nelson towers over bart and sometimes hes only a bit taller than him. plus kids at this age have a varied range of heights because everyone grows differently. i can easily buy the idea of nelson and bart both being 10 because when i was 10 i was the biggest kid in my class so theres that

its been implied that jimbo, dolph and shauna are 13, like dolph and shauna having bar/bat mitzvahs and i think jimbo specifically says he and the bullies are 13 in one episode? but i cant remember which episode. i just know i saw it and i thought 'oh wow i thought they were a bit older' because they do act a bit older sometimes.

outside of that, i could see jimbo being 16 at most, but hes probably younger than that. if he was really 16 we wouldve seen him driving or something. idk he'd just act differently, more like squeaky voiced teen whos a more stereotypical 16yo. jimbos gotta be younger than that, hes still in springfield elementary but then again so is kearney (who, again, youre not supposed to take seriously anyway)

also he DOES NOT have a son with darcy omg...when hes seen with a baby in his arms behind darcy that was supposed to be darcys baby from the episode where she got pregnant, not jimbo's. jimbo may act like a typical horny teenager sometimes but hes so stupid and immature about it that its clear that hes still a kid who doesnt know how to control those uh. urges. so i really do think hes around 13-15

and shauna is definitely not 18. like i said before, she has her bat mitzvah in one episode and still looks like a kid despite her attitude and the stuff she does. same thing as jimbo basically.

anyway thats my take on the bullies' ages. again, youre not supposed to read too much into them, especially kearney's. they change it depending on the writer and whatever they might need for the plot because theyre the only teenage characters they have lmao

[cumstricbusrie-blog]

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[lostscatteredwings]

when I make a draw my life...

this is my story. It’s long, eventful and unfortunate.

( I will be writting more when I can, everytime you see “...” means I am still writting)

First, I would love to start this on the day I was born but for you to understand the whole context and the circumstances I was born into, I have to start a bit before. 

Before the start

My father grew up working on the fields and on construction, until he was 18 years old and he joined the army and with it , the navy. He moved because of his work from the northern country side to a city in the south not far from the capital, where there was military bases etc...

He rented a room in this city, and that was when he met my mother, they got married.

And my mother got pregnant with twins.

And the unfortune starts here.

Death and illness

One of the twins died still inside the belly, so he was born “dead“ and the other twin, who didnt die, was born very very ill. 

This was my older brother, he had kidney problems, he did hemodialisis for something like 19 years. He also couldn't listen, he was deaf, but since he never listened to anything since baby, he also could not speak.

We used sign language. We had books for it. We all learned how to communicate with him. My father thought, never accepted him as his son, he considered his son a failure and used beat him up, in the streets, in front of everyone. Imagine a muscled man (remenber he was in the navy) beating up a deaf little kind in front of everyone. My grandparents took my brother away from my parents because of this. And my brother never ever went to his father’s house again.

Ironically, my brother died a few years after his kidney transplant.So he died before my grandparents died. He lived on their care his whole life. My father never cared to see him meanwhile. And he attended the funeral just to keep appearances I am sure. After all you need to attend the funeral of your own son.

My brother died when I was 13 years old. at 13 years old. I had 2 dead brothers.

Meanwhile,

My parents had a kid again and my other brother was born. Apparently with also some kidney problem but much less tragic. He doesnt need hemodialisis. He just cant play dangerous agreesive sports that may envolve a punch or kick in the kidney area. But he should be fine for life if that never happens. He is still alive to this day and he is ok.My father acceped this son, but with obvious disappointment that he could not become athletic.

I was born eventually too. My father was a sailing so he wasn’t there most of the time, we all lived wit my grandparents then. My mother , brother, and them ., and my grandpa several little birdies and a cute white cat.

Meanwhile, my granparents died. I was 15 years old. We had to giveaway the cat to one of those organizations. And the birds as well. And we had to live with my father now. My brother and my mother. And now he was indeed home way more because you only sail in first years of your career.

Now with my grandparents and my brother gone. A lot was broken.

Hell Begins

My mother took more pills that I could count. She was depressed and crazy. She tooks pills for depression, anxiety, to sleep, to stay awake, for memory. All of the pills possible. She also had diabetes. And she was always acting crazy. But well, a lot indeed happened. My father was always angry and he did not want to give any money for my mother to buy food. It was a constant fight. when my grandparents were alive we had food covered. When they died, the only working person in the family was my father, and he could decide if we were going to eat that day or not. Most of the days were ok, but some days, if my father was angry, he would not my mother money for food. So we also wouldn’t even have a coin to go to school with. We asked around for money... neighboors. When we were kids it’s always easier. Adults tend to help children asking for food or money. But when you start growing up people just look at you with suspicion if you ask for money. They think it’s for drugs and stuff alike.

Life was not so bad when my grandparents were alive.

There was illness and death. With my brother but still, we were getting by. And I remenber being somewhat happy you know? I remenber happy moments with them. Our cat. Christmas, birthdays. My grandparents made all those moments truly happy moments. I remenber cooking cakes with my grandparents. Going to the beach. Watching tv with them. They would let me watch kid stuff on tv, you know, when I was a kid.

It all changed when they died. It felt like...my only family had died.

My father was like a stranger, and so was my mother. And my brother , was older, but seemed always afraid of my father and well, righfully so, I would say, angry at my mom, because she acted so crazy all the time.

My father didnt celebrate birthdays, or cooked, or celebrated Christmas. He didnt let me watch any tv, There was only 1 tv in the house. And it was his. 100% . I had nothing to do inside the house.

I hated being inside.

There was eventually only one computer too. For 3 persons. My brother , my father and me. I , the youngest, could only use the computer, or the tv. If no one else wanted to use those.

Imagine most of the times, like weekends for example and week days at night, we were all home. Imagine, one on tv , on on pc, and one with nothing. Most of the time , the one with  nothing was me. This was my life growing up. After my grandparents died and before college. This was it.

I had nothing to do. And my family enviroment was horrible.

Felt like a prison. The air was like hard to breathe. There is no way you can understand this unless you’ve been through something like this. My father was angry and violent. Would easy hit anyone in the house, for whatever reason. Everyone was afraid of him. He would threat us. Threat us that he could just leave us to starve when he was angry. He knew we had no one else. My mother was crazy. Insane. She was either screaming or crying, or almost burning the house down. I am not exagerating. Believe it or not. Something I never forgot my father said was:

“I could live in a hotel if it wasn’t for you.“

Imagine being the kind of man, who goes, makes a family, has kids.

And then whishes that family he created would just not exist anymore.

The kids that didn’t ask to exist and were put in the world agaisn’t their will, as a consequence of this man’s actions. No one forced him to have a family. He went , created one, and then was disappointed, cause I guess family wasnºt like he hoped for. One kid died, one kid was not healthy and died too. Third kid also could not follow his foosteps and join the navy. The other kid was a girl, asthmatic, and still also had a health issue, had cirgury twice. And become fat as a kid for a while. As a consequence of the illness I had. I had something in the zone where the Bile liquid was produced, I couldn’t stand up even, I was interned in the hospital and operated on twice to remove something that I inside my stomach that was not supposed to there was blocking the bile liquid to flow in the stomach.

Then my brother went to college. He got his own laptop. So I could use the pc more. My brother is 4 years older than me. He failed one year in school. So around being 16 y old. I only had to share the pc with my father. So that was a good thing. But. I still hated to be home. I hated to be in the living room where my father always was. And mostly everyone was there too. And I was criticized all the time. For playing games on the computer of for watching anime/movies/tv shows. Anyting I did was bad if it was not studying or reading. And I did read and study too btw. When I was home. But I hated to be home. So most of the times I wasn’t. If it was daytime, I would probably just not be there.

I was ok and happy when my granparents were alive. But when they died. My life became a living hell. I could not sleep. I could not feel. I could not smile or laught. I was the numbest I ever had been. My friends, sort of left me alone, they didn’t know how to handle the new me. The grieving me. But I didn’t want to be home, I didn’t want to be alone either. So I found myself some new friends.

New Friends and Self-Destruction

At 15 yeals old , when my life changed drastically, my grandparents dying and now I was living in a house I didn’t used to be before and with people I didn’t used to live with before, my father. And that heavy enviroment, that aura, after someone dying, the silence, with my father’s selfishness/angryness and my mother’s insanity. I felt pretty alone and depressed and my old friends didn’t know how to handle the situation, and were obviously not enjoying being with me at this time. Because they were all having fun and laughing and I was clearly not in the mood so I wouldn’t participate much. They started to exclude me a bit. And I started to move on from them a little bit, as well.

I found new friends, or rather started hanging more with friends who were a bit different. I was from a poor neighborhood place. And a lot of people who live here aren’t sane and bad things happen here.

I hanged around with whoever was there tbh.

At 16 y old I was in highschool, I really didn’t like it, me and my best friend got separated into different classes, eventually she got some friends there, and I started hanging around with people from her class. I didnt like most people on my class, I had 1 friend or 2, but that was it. I talked with other people just not to be in silent and to not be labeled as awkward or shy, but it was just small talk. my class was mostly girls and only had like 6 guys. 3 of them always hanged around with the “mean girls“ let’s say, There was no physical bullying ever, but a lot of talking shit, and it was whispers and ofc when you arent there but you just know. Sometimes they tried to say something directly to me, but they would always regret it I think since I always answered back and asked if they wanted to fight, since some girls would try to threat to “slap me“ or something, and I always went with “bring it“ and then ofc they would give up.  Cause it was all just big talk .

I met some people through my “bad friends“ which I hanged with when 15, I met a guy who asked me out so we started dating.

Let’s call him Nate.

Nate, the first boyfriend chapter

Well , I met Nate, first just online, but he was an irl friend of my friend(lets call her patty), and also a cousin of another (lets call her angela). I was hagging out with Patty a lot these days and we met a bunch of new people, at this time. We hanged a lot outside, at this time, which made us a meet more and more people.  First he just messaged me online, I remember this was when the social media Hi5 existed. And I added him as a friend. At first he just left some comments on my pictures saying I was cute. And then we started talking a little bit on hi5 dms.

Eventually we traded phone numbers. My friend Patty wanted to meet Nate’s best friend. She thought he was cute. So she wanted to do a double date sort of thing. Me and Nate, and her and Nate’s best friend. The double date would be only meeting for some minutes at a train station and having a snack there. Nothing special. And in a very public space(the train station usually even has police at the doors). I hated to be home, and thought it sounded ok , so I said yes and went with her.

We got there and we saw the 2 guys for the first time irl. Before we had just seen both of them in pictures. Both tall and skinny. Let’s call Nate’s friend, Charles.

Charles had curcly black hair and brown dark eyes. Nate had blonde dark blonde hair and also somewhat wavy hair. They had a TON of snacks. I was really surprised. As you know, I was very poor, because my parents gave me no money to buy things like snacks, if I could buy a snack, would be really just one. But they had a ton of them, juices, cookies, chocolates, gummies. Literally all the snacks that school students usually enjoy. I was very surprised they had so much. We were sitting on a bench witht he their bags open and filled with snacks. So we were taking the food from the bags and eating. As Patty started to talk more with Charles. I was talking with Nate and eating because there was nothig else to do. We didnt talk about anything important and I dont remenber flirting or anything. We just really talked about snacks we liked for the most part. And when it got close to nightime, me and patty went home. Nothing really happened apart from talking here. Patty later decided she didnt like Charles. Nate and I kept messaging each other thought.

Eventually he asked me out and I said yes, again , I wanted excuses to not be home. And Nate was always saying nice things to me, Which I was not used to at all, my family would put me down daily. And even my closest friends would say mean things about me sometimes...which made me feel even worse. Having a person saying nice things to me for the first time, felt like the best thing in the world. When I look back at it now, it really wasn’t anything special, just lip service, but since I was so used to be treated so badly. The way Nate treated seemed ultra nice to me, in comparison. Even thought he was doing nothing special.

We went on a date. Which was just going to the park a little bit, in the afternoon. Nate did some dancing videos for dancing contests and stuff, so he asked me to record him , with his camera, which I did. We had like a kiss and started dating that day. Everything was ok so far.

After a while we had our first fight. Eventually we said “I love you“ irl. Me being me, I thought that is not something you say all the time because it would loose it’s meaning. So he texted me one morning, like saying that at 8 am... I was sleepy, late for school, I found it annoying tbh. It was so random, out of the blue. We both had just woken up and rush to school (to different schools). I wasnt sure why he would have send this first thing in the morning, I didnt say it back and I didnt think anything of it. But later I found out he was quite upset. Looking back now, I should have asked him to respect my pace. But in that time, I was just manipulated into saying I was sorry. Which didnt make sense but I guess I felt like I didnt wanna loose him and that I was the one who had done something wrong. Things like this kind of always got repeated. I feel like I was manipulated this way later in the relantionship.  Like eventually about my clothing and being with my friends. Nate was very controlling and suspicious of me. This because I think his reasoning was if I lied to my parents to spend some time with him (my parents would never accept me having a bf, trust me, they followed me a couple times, and I had to pretend I was going to see one of my girl friends etc...)  so he thought I would lie to him or something... which didnt make any sense... He was jealous of girls, and literally everyone. Also wanted me to not use any revealing clothes etc. He was becoming as controlling as my father and I started to get really angry and upset about the whole situation. Eventually I am sure I stopped loving him. This around 3 years later. And started hating on him a little bit. He didnt care or respect that I wanted to do well in school. Would try to not even let me study. All my time was to dedicate to him, or else he would be mad. At the time I was smoking and he would also take my cigarretes away from me. Eventually he slammed a door on my hand, when I tried to runaway from his house once. I thought my fingers would have broken. But gladly they didn’t. I started to cut myself as well. From how miserable I was.Being controlled and manipulated all the time. Even if I told him we had broken up. He would appear at school or my street and force me to talk with him. He caused me a ton of problems with my family. Wanting to be on the phone when I was home and until late hours in the night (which was really bad, I needed to sleep , I was trying to study and do well at school and everything in my life that he was doing would literally have negative impact). He has absolutely no respect for me whatsoever and didnt care about the problems he caused me . I would get home late because of him not letting me go and catch the bus on time. Not letting my sleep and not letting me study...

I broke up with him, but he just wouldnt listen to even that. He kept appearing everywhere and using my friends to find out my location.

I could finally escape from him when I got into college. And only because college was in a different city. I would get on a bus at 7 am and get to college at like 10 am. And stay there until 6: 30 pm and then get on a bus and get home around 8:30pm. This was my life. He couldnt stalk me as easily anymore. I was the whole day in a different city around 50km away. (Nate was quite spoiled and he had a car but he was literally a ppussy in person, he was afraid to drive, so he would never do 50km, not even to stalk me). He stalked me once or twice but gave up fast. I told him many times to stop texting or calling and to move on because we had broken up for good. I had to lie and said I liked someone else now. It was not even true. But when I said he, he finally stopped his stalking me. 1 month later, he was living with this other girl (LOL) which he was probably sweet talking online for a long time (so in a way cheating, he would be super controlling over me , because honestly, he was always cheating behind my back and was afraid I did the same to him), he probably was planning to go for her, as a second option, if I broken up with him. So yeah 1 month after he was living with another girl (talk about moving on fast, when he was always asking for us to get back together, it was always him asking and all, how can a person be so fake). Before this, for that 1 month, he told all his friends really bad things about me, I received emails and hateful messages of how I had been so cruel to break up with him . He also drank enough to go to the hospital and blamed it on me. I got messages from his friends saying he did that because of me bla bla. He also said he would suicide if I didnt get back with him (talk about manipulation) and guess what, we didn’t get back and he didn’t suicide, he found another gf in less than 1 month to live with. Anyways, he was probably already with her and planning to move for a long time , when he was still trying to convince to give up on breaking up and stalking me. I guess this was his plan B. He also sent me a tubmlr blog full of posts of how much he was suffering, as an atempt for me to forgive him, LOL. It was all fake posts tho, since he had a girl to even move in with, in denmark, just waiting for him to go there.

I ignored his friends hateful messages, blocked and deleted his number and all social medias. Made sure he couldn’t contact me anymore. This is why we couldn’t stay friends. He never accepted the break up. He was cheating the whole time. He had a plan B girl to run to if we really didnt get back together. I just couldnt even pretend to be friends with him anymore, when he never accepted that kind of relantionship for us. Even years later, he tried to have our online friends (from a game) from a game to talk to me and get me back to talk to him again, which I rejected. And that was it. End of this chapter. I tried to focus 100% on finishing college and ignoring the rest.

College. A fresh start.

College was pretty hard to balance. Between waking up super early and getting home late, and stil finding time to study without feeling too tired. College was nearly 2 hours away (ofc faster to get there early before rush hour etc). I spent around everyday 4 hours , 2 hours to go, 2 hours to return, in a long bus ride.

The bus ride was around a mountain so I felt sick often, because of the constant turns. I even ended up vomiting in the bus, in a plastic bag. I felt like I was going to die many times. In the days I felt fine and tried to study on the bus, reading when the bus keeps being shaky, always gave me a headache... but I had to study at sometime, and at home my time would be very limited, and it’s pretty hard to force yourself to study every night until 3 am and then wake up 6 am. or 5:30 am, which I had to do when I had classes at 8:30. If I had classes at 10 am. I still needed to wake up 6 am to catch the 7 am bus (I also had to walk until the bus station, it was not in my door step, not just eat and dress...)

When I started college I had no laptop to study programming, so I failed but I passed at mathematics and other classes. When I got the laptop , I repeated the programming class of the first semesters (6 months classes) and passed as well. I was very tired all the time in college. Not as much depressed, but more like just tired, every week I craved the weekend to finally get some sleep, but I also had to study and get some work(like projects and deliveries) done on weekends.

We had constant delivers, of code and non code projects. I had to every month several things to deliver and those werent easy. It got more and more intense , in the second year and in the third year where we had deliveries every week. And more mandatory classes. Not all classes had a mandatory presence. But the more important ones sure had , like mathematics and programming related classes. I was doing my best to pass and very focused on it. I ended up falling asleep in the bus all the time, sometimes missing my stop.And getting home at like 9 pm or later. I fell asleep in the last class of the day sometimes as well. I tried to study in the bus, and at school, in the times before classes or inbetween classes. (somethere there was like 1 hour hole in the schedule, so after a class, you would only have a class again 1 hour). My college was in a isolated place. There was nothing outside. There is no where you could go by just walking and transportation is always bad and slow. So I could not go anywhere in those hours to kill . I would try to study but couldnt always do it. I would hang around with my classmates who also couldnt go home or anywere by car. We all tried to do our projects while waiting, or just play games, or just watch something.Thought the internet at school was quite slow, sometimes it was hard to do anything. Here is the general description of college.

The good and the bad of college

Good

The good about college was how not all classes are mandatory and how you meet new people. Some people will  probably share your interests which is good. It’s always nice to make new friends. I found some friends into the same games as I was and some friends who liked anime and manga, not many like 3 or 4. But better than zero. I was quite happy with this. And the newfound calm now that I had no bf drama going on.  Still in the good, college does give you some purpose feeling. I was always told IT has like 100% employment so I wanted to be able to do it. My goal in life was always to become independent and to survive on my own without needing to ever ask help to anyone. I wasn’t particular ever like in love with programming (I didnt have a computer I could all the time, when growing up, no one in my family liked programming or knew it and I had to split my pc time with my brother and father so... Hardly there was ever any chance to get into programming and also it was something that you wouldnt learn in school (at least when I was in school, now it may be different). It was a completely new thing for me. I had a hard time learning it, but I know it was a valuable skill so I wanted to understand it so I could work on it later, so I had this as motivation.

Bad

I will try to break these down, but also say, none of this stopped me from finishing my degree. So if you read this and relate, please don’t give up based on what is written here.

1. Not much girls in a engineering school,

like this is not a big problem but sometimes it jusf left me feeling a bit lonely or missunderstood and had no one to talk about girl stuff. Sometimes it got me feeling a bit sad. Also guys spend a long time, in your presence, doing sexist jokes (because no etiquette i guess and poor education and respect for others) even with me on there, etc.

2. Professors and classmates can be sexist

If you are a girl in IT, people always assume you dont work hard and you dont know much... And your plan is to ride off the back of some guy who makes all the work for you. Other assumption is that teachers will give you a “handicap“. Now about your image, you can show yourself with good grades, participating in class, showing dedication and even sharing your notes with your classmates, the closest ones to you , will easily believe you do work hard and have knowledge and those wont be sexist anymore towards you in this knowledge and genuine interest regard. NOW, the ones who arent close to you, may have those assumptions forever on their head. There is really no point in thinking about this too much. It’s hard to change society so just do your part.

Professors may ask you more questions because you are the female of the group. Again based on the assumption that you did nothing are just being carried by your male classmate. It’s unfair , it is. But the only thing you can do is answer those correctly and proove your teacher wrong. Your coleagues will probably notice this unfairness and feel bad about it, noticing how the teacher was giving them a free pass on questions because they arent suspicious of them as they are of you, if you are a girl.

3. College parties.

My only problem with this, is that, well, for me personally, I lived far away and couldnt really go, because I would have no money and no car to return home and transportations finishes early. Now my parents were also very agaisnt me going out until late and would get very upset, specially if I waited for 6 am to get a bus to go home, if I did something like this, my parents would just not let me to go college anymore... So I had no choice but rejecting most parties and outings at night etc. I went to like 2 parties and never left very late.  And always had a ride home when I did these. (Because at one point I got a bf and he would drive me home and only them drive himself home)

4. Bullying?

Now by bullying I mean that even in college there was some unpleasant and toxic people (as there is in most places). Who seemed often spoiled or disrepectful or out of touch and also , most of them fit in the category of “people who didn’t even finish the degree or tried for long“ most of them gave up or changed course.

5. Overall Conditions of the college grounds

Cold or hot rooms(no ac), burnt and oily meals and not cheap either. slow broken down old desktops for the students to use. Basically anyone with a good laptop could end up doing the class work much faster. There was not enough conditions to those who depended on the facility. 

  Finding a job as a college student.

1. Finding a job was actually very easy as a college student on gratuation time. Basically you can find a job easily as the companies are ready to explore recent college grads. I got a job on my second interview. Yet, I got no contract for more than 1month and then I got an internship contract. That is for 9 months. After that I got a temporary contract. After so much shadyness and unfair treatment in this company  I left as soon as possible... changed to other company where I worked for nearly 2 years and then finally left that company as well. 

To explain better, in the company number one...