#but if i'm still feeling shitty tomorrow and i don't go to class i'm going to miss a class discussion and another lecture and also a studio

[saltinesinsoup]

aughhh the hell of like. being sick but feeling decent like i could go to class. and the knowledge that like. probably shouldnt. and also my class is in half an hour and i havent had lunch

[dredshirtroberts]

y'know that post that's like everyone's got their special super power or whatever, it might just look a little different from the super hero movies? right?

yeah my bio family's version of that is Impeccably Bad Timing

[youryanderedaddy]

Summary: You run into your snobby ex boyfriend after a drunken party. Things go south from there. tw: female reader, hinted murder, possessive behavior, condescension, financial(?) abuse, classism

You know this is a stupid, stupid idea. Going home at God knows what time in the pitch black is never a good idea, you think drowsily, head still spinning from the last beer, but even more so when you're tired, pissed off and tipsy. You're freezing, naked shoulders wet from the chilly midnight rain - but instead of soft damp linden, you smell molden concrete and metal. You fucking hate this city. You hate the stupid, flashy, obnoxious parties for rich people, and this shitty university in the middle of nowhere, and even the scholarship that forced you into close proximity with the freakish upper class of east New Hemptison.

"Baby!" A familiar voice sinks into the muddy darkness and you have to physically restrain yourself from emptying your stomach right there on the street - and knowing your neighbours, you'd have to clean it after too. His steps fasten and soon you feel his hand gripping your shoulder to turn you around. Standing before you, glistening just like some prince from a fairy tale, is everything you despise about this town. The fact that he's perfectly prim and proper despite the pounding rain, that his teeth seem almost pearly white in the dark, that his hair is crisp and slicked away tastefully, that even now he's wearing a fucking Armani shirt with the cheesiest pair of jeans (ones you could never afford) - it makes you want to crawl back to the cave you came from, two continents away, and never look back.

"Baby, where have you been?" He sounds terribly concerned as he pulls your shivering body in for a tight bear hug, running his hands through your absolutely soaked hair - murmuring something incomprehensible to your drunken mind. "I was worried sick, missy." His voice drops slightly, but it's all for show. He's playing the part of the good boyfriend, like always - and you fell for it once, you did, but you know better now. "I called you, like, sixty eight times. And nothing." He swallows, big hands trembling around you. "Just radio silence. I thought something bad happened to y-"

"Oh, f-uucking beat it." Your patience finally snaps and you push him off swiftly, barely contained anger starting to resurface again. Today was supposed to be about you, about healing, about feeling better, but just your luck - the very problem had found you, just like always. No matter where you go, your troubles follow. "You know what you did, asshole. Don't you d-aare play innocent with m-me." You hiss drunkenly, stumbling all over your words before hitting the wall all on your own. Mathew, of course, doesn't waste the oppurtunity to get closer to you - just so he can help you regain your balance, of course. The golden boy of Saint Hemptison would never take advantage of an intoxicated girl - much less his ex girlfriend who he's still hopelessly in love with, supposedly. Right.

"Baby, please, you're drunk - you're not making any sense." The man whispers softly, placing his hand at your hip. "Let's go to the penthouse. We can talk about this in the morning when you are more aware of your thoughts."

When you're more aware of your thoughts? You almost laugh. It's quite bittersweet when it hits you that he doesn't respect you even now - maybe he never has in the duration of your miserable relationshop, that in his eyes you'll always be the poor girl in need of a white knight. Just a little trophy to show off, if a bit broken in certain spots.

"I am not going anywhere with you." You mumble, trying to calm down - to appear cold and collected, the complete opposite of what he wants you to be. "Look, I know that you're mad at me, babygirl, but I'm sure your little temper tantrum can wait until tomorrow. You know I don't like this neighbourhood. Let me take you to a safe place for the night, okay?" He reaches for your hand again, but this time you swat it away in fury.

"Who are you to act so worried about me, huh?" You can hear your voice breaking as the tears prick at your eyes - hot and shameful. Crying in front of him is the last thing you want to do, but god, it's so hard not to when this whole night has been a disaster after a disaster. You're truly at your wits' end. "After what you did? You are truly shameless." You squeal, and admittedly, it feels fucking great to finally say it.

Your former lover's face twists into an unrecognizable grimace as he watches you tear into his heart with ease - and as you turn to leave, he grabs your wrist painfully. This time something is different about his eyes - they're not longer smiling. Now they're two bottomless gray pits devoid of kindness, the same eyes you saw the night of the accident as he caressed your cold cheek with bloody knuckles.

"And what did I do, love? Hm?" He tilts your chin up by squeezing your throat, forcing you to meet his eerie gaze. Suddenly all your tipsy bravado evaporates into thin air. "Please, refresh my memory. I really can't recall the events of the past two weeks - since you've been avoiding me and all..." His fingers dig into your skin and you wince just like a kicked puppy - but he doesn't bulge an inch. Suddenly everything comes flooding back - the touches you convinced yourself were sensual, not possesive, the glances you once thought of as romantic, the constant interrogations, the strange emails, the cryptic calls, the dead roses at your door. "I couldn't sleep - or eat for that matter. I am half a man without you. I lose myself completely."

It all makes sense now. You feel like crying, because it's so crystal clear... and you've been a willing fool. You had closed your eyes, because it was easier to lie than to accept the truth bubbling just under his surface - under the dimples and the smiles, and the hundred jewelry boxes still lying unopened under your bed.

"You - you killed him! You monster!" You gasp, unable to stop your lips from uttering the lethal. You thrash around to no avail, you're stuck. "How could you? Jack was your friend!" You hide your face in the crook of his neck to stop the sobs, too scared to look at the crazed man holding you. He simply rolls his eyes, letting you soak his shirt with your pretty tears. "Don't be so dramatic - it's just some broken bones. He'll be fine... as long as he stays away from my things."

You raise your head shakily - you're drowning between hatred, fear and misery. The adrenaline is making you even more disoriented than the liquor percentage in your bloodstream.

"I am not a fucking thing for you to-" You hiccup, growing woozy as you hit weakly against his chest. The corners of his lips curl up slightly as he chuckles at the pitiful display. "For you to just own!" You keep going, cheeks purple from pent up fury - there's something tearing at your insides like you want to scream, you need it to come out, but you find yourself unable to push it off your flesh like it's been ingrained with glue and a shovel.

"You're wrong, baby. I do own you." Mathew says with the sweetest, softest voice you've heard in your life, sugary and bitter like poisonous honey. "Let's say you want to break up-"

"We already broke u-"

His eyes pierce you mid-sentence. You quickly close your mouth.

"Let's say," He repeats through gritted teeth, holding you so tightly you might just merge into one being. "That you want to break up with me." He inhales deeply, nostrils flaring. "Hypothetically. Then what? You have no place to live. I know you're staying at that shithole of a hotel down the street right now - it's filthier than a brothel, no?"

You want to say something - to argue, to scream. To tell him that he's being a rich, condescending asshole again, that you like the hotel - despite the mold and the cockroaches and the way there never seems to be hot water. Despite having to lock your door four times so you don't get assaulted in your sleep.

You say nothing.

"You don't have to confirm it. My agent tracked you down a week ago. Whatever - you'll run out of money in, approximately, 9 days." He smirks maliciously, with unhidden spite - just like a little devil. "Then what? You don't even have an address. And you know the city hall will take their sweet fucking time to help you register - if they don't make you pay a fine first." He strokes your chin cruelly. "We both know just how much they care about clueless little foreigners with less than a penny to their name." He whispers, twisting the dagger in. "Hell, they may even cut your scholarship. And. then. what." Your ex pronounces each word slowly - making sure you can understand it, feel it - fear it.

You imagine your family back at home. You can hear their voices over the phone, your mom smiling as you tell her about your day, your father asking you what you plan to do after college - whether you will still remember them, whether you'd take care of them once they have nothing left, since you took everything with you. The money, the hopes, the happiness...

"F-fuck you..." You whimper faintly, falling against him. You feel defeated, and the sharp words are all you have left. "Why are you doing this to me?" You mumble to yourself, suddenly feeling drained to the very bone. The man begins stroking your hair as he rocks you gently to the side. "Because I love you." He slowly kisses down your neck. "Because I'm the only one in this city who gives a fuck about you, and-" You can feel his smile against your burning cheek. "Because you're mine."

[petalsonmoon]

you hang from my lips like the Gardens of Babylon.

"it's ridiculous." then he leaned his body foward, his fingers meeting his toes. an elongation you would take embarrasingly months to be able to do that flawlessly.

"and really fucking stupid" he proceeds his thoughts.

"oh please, do go on." you look down to your notes and continue to write your ridiculous ideas.

the sun was far too bright and where its glow met the leaves of the large number of trees around you they were gleaming, like they were immensely happy.

"i hope your little notebook accidently burns to ashes."

"kind of you to say accidently."

"yeah no problem at all"

you glance up to find that he has his knee bended to his chest and quickly look back to the pen in your hand. quite misteriously your hands are stained from it.

"you making the walking sleeping bag one too?" his voice is raspy and angry and very clear. how does he sound so good while doing post training stretching?

perhaps you're looking too much into it. your crush makes you a bit giddy, idiotic in a lot of senses. makes you feel a child just like the word itself is infant. crush.

you sigh heavyly.

"still deciding" you draw a little explosion on the corner of the page.

"might as well do it for class b too."

"if i got a penny for every dramatic sentence that came out of your mouth-"

he had his back to you but he insisted on turning his head to you to send you the most chilling glare for exactly 3 seconds. that's his stupidity. his eyes were already too pretty in your eyes for you to feel an ounce of that anger.

"-only today i'd have like," you scrunch your nose "the amount of money equivalent to the ferocity of all might's powers."

he doesn't bother to look at you again and you smile.

"would you look at that. i should look for the person with this quirk."

he growls. loud. and you're smile is genuine.

he sits up straight, his back to you and starts leisurely move his neck. that's the sign he's almost done.

"putting too much money for those idiots.”

"it's not that much" you reason. "don't feel that way for too long, you're getting one too."

with that, it's over.

he turns to you and when those red eyes meet yours the trees are for sure shinning somewhat brighter.

the response for your affirmation it's a furrow between his eyebrows. his skin glowing a bit but that's not your absurd heart speaking, it's just his sweat.

"uhum" now you're messing with the grass. it estabilizes you. "yours is actually the only one that i drew and painted myself. the other ones i made with suna from the support course"

an ant crawled into your point finger.

"but don't tell them that." you whisper.

the ant made it to your pulse when you feel a literal body falling on top of you.

"you motherfucker! you are drenched-"

"that shitty little brain of yours-" his face on your neck. his words and breathing warming your whole body. you are exploding on the inside. how ironic.

"-and your stupid handmade keychains for the whole class" and then he lighly bites where your neck meets your shoulder.

his hands trails your arms, his fingers are burning pathways in your skin until they meet your hands and they interlock with your fingers. then he finally lifts his head and looks at you and what you're feeling is something words can't understand.

"i was gonna wait unti graduation."

"tomorrow, you mean."

he bites your chin and you're so fucking certain you'll melt any second now. "because of that fucking tone i'm going to burn all of your little gifts."

you smile at him trying to match his damn audacity. his charm? his mind blowing handsomeness? "i'll murder you."

you blink and feel his breath on your neck again. "do it now, cupcake." then. his maddening warm and soft lips leaves a kiss under your earlobe. you close your eyes. "you have the power to."

"don't wait until tomorrow."

he lifts his head again and there's a smirk with a softness in the corner of it on his face. "or?"

"i might die." you whisper. it is serious to you. you need his lips on yours this very second. with his eyes on yours, telling you every adoration you thought about him for the last couple of months before going to bed, you think might. actually. die.

"who's the dramatic one now, brat?"

[lotsoflola]

never ever ever - l. haechan [introduction]

summary: you've had your heart broken for the fifth time in two months, and however much you just want to spend the night crying, someone keeps interfering... genre: enemies to lovers warnings: swearing, reader sleeps around, harsh language, implied smut but nothing in this chapter wc: 1.1k author's note: this series is going to take a hot minute but here's the introduction for the first fic to keep you guys fed

"hi kun," you slurred, the liquor streaming in your bloodstream evident through the way you collapsed against the bar. your mind was foggy, your fingertips were tingling, and the far-too-revealing dress you was falling clung to your curves more than ever.

the bartender giggled, knowing his favourite regular, and finishing polishing the glass in front of him. "jesus, it's only eight. how are you this fucked already?"

you pushed yourself up, leaning over the counter to grab a bottle of cheap beer, throwing a fiver down on the table. "you know that guy i was seeing? in your frat?"

kun hummed, all too used to your antics. you were known across campus for being a flirt, for drinking too much and having fun with as many men as you saw fit. it was no surprise, you were drop dead gorgeous, with a body sculpted by aphrodite herself, and the personality to match. you were dangerous, and didn't you know it.

"yeah, i broke it up."

kun chuckled lightly. "surprise, surprise. come on, how long was that? a week?"

"two weeks, actually," you sighed, taking a large swig from your beer, "i don't know, he just wasn't exciting like that. got bored of him. so i ended it."

"so why isn't he the one drinking alone on a thursday night with a class at 9am tomorrow?" the bartender teased, earning a middle finger from the girl across from him.

"i'm allowed to be sad, kun," you finished the beer with your words, the bitter aftertaste refreshing on your tongue. you leant over the bar to grab another one, but were met with a hand wrapped tightly around your wrist, stopping you in her tracks.

he tutted under his breath. "i think you've had enough for tonight, honey."

honey. the nickname fell naturally from his lips. the one your parents used to call you when you was a child. the one you only let those close to you say because of the power it held. the one those special people only used in special scenarios due to the impact it had on you.

you knew it was stupid to care so much about a stupid nickname. god, you wished you didn't care so much about it. but the second those words left someones lips you were putty in their hands. that's why you only let those you cared about say it.

"pissed on a week night already? i expected better from you, honey. didn't you only date that guy for a week?"

those you cared about. and him.

lee haechan was the new hot thing on campus, throwing himself at girls as much as he could and becoming the hot topic on their tongue as he wowed them in bed. at least that what he claimed, you had never spoken to any of these girls with enough time to discuss his ability in bed, not that you would ever bring it up. words could not describe how much you hated him.

"shut up, haechan. no one fucking asked for your opinion," you spat, still attempting to grab another beer while you wrestled with kun.

the young boy laughed, sitting on the stool next to you. "such nasty words from such a pretty face, can't tell me that hendery fucked you up that badly."

his words always got to you, always nestled under your skin in a way that no one else did, no one else could. "don't know why you always feel the need to get involved."

"don't know why you always end up a shitty mess after dating a guy for three days-"

"okay, okay, come behind the bar, there you go," kun manouvered you around the bar, sensing the tension and not wanting to see where it would end up.

your and haechan's rivalry was well known across campus, since freshman year you had made your distate of the man known. you were in the same business class, and every single lesson he spent somehow teasing or testing you, and when he got your number it was somehow worse.

"honestly, you would think you had matured by now, been about three years of passing through men for about three weeks each before slagging them off and dating their best friends, or maybe some people are just sluts and can't help-"

"fuck off, hyuck," kun snapped, physically holding you back at this point, one hand wrapped around your waist as he forced you down onto the stool behind him, giving you a glass of water in a poor attempt to sober you up. "fight her another day."

"not looking for a fight," haechan's voice was aggrevatingly smooth, as if he wasn't lying through his teeth, "just speaking the truth. if she can't handle that, then that's on her."

"lee donghyuck, i swear to-"

kun finally snapped, covering your mouth with his hand before turning to the smirking man in front of you. "get out, haechan."

"kun," he whined, face suddenly dropping, "cmon i was joking."

but the bartender didn't back down, pointing towards the door with his spare time. "she's not doing good right now, get out."

"you're losing a paying customers business," he sighed, but complied with the older gentleman, sending you a flying kiss before getting up to leave the bar. "night, doll."

you held your middle finger up at him, but you could feel yourself getting sleepier in kun's hold, and before you knew it you were struggling to keep your eyes open, body slumped against the wall as your eyeslashes fluttered.

"gonna kill him," you mumbled to yourself, drunk and delirious.

kun laughed, wandered over to you and patting you gently on the head. "who, hyuck?"

"yeah. fucking hate him."

"i don't think you do," kun knelt on the floor in front of you, meeting your eyeline. it was a quiet night, and all he could do was look after his friend. "i think you guys secretly like each other. maybe even love."

you scoffed, letting an assortment of drunk laughs and hiccups emerge from your mouth. "love him?! you're crazy, kun."

"trust me. i just know these things."

"i will never love him," you stated, words sounding very defintiive, even as you were dozing off, "never ever ever."

[twistedwonderlandshenanigans]

Valentine's Day...Gifts They Give You?? I Think. IDK.

HAH SCHOOL CAN KICK MY BUTT BUT BY GOD AND THE DEVIL WILL I SHARE A LITTLE BIT OF LOVE!! (I'm suffering Jesus fucking CHRIST this course is gonna eat my fried up brain for breakfast lunch and dinner) This is done assuming they're pining for Yuu, save for Ortho he's Idia's little wingman. GN reader as always bbssssssssss if anything seems canon divergent, check out my HCs lmao

Heartslaybul Ace: He thought about making it super romantic, like he spent the week leading up to Valentine's day brainstorming ideas on napkins and doodling on scrap paper, trying to come up with a way to ask to hang out that would make it feel different than normal, but not so obvious that he...you know, likes you. He ends up showing up at Ramshackle before class with a box of chocolates he bought the day before and a bit of a blushing mess. "I just got these because who knows how much Sam will have by the end of today, you owe me half, ok?"

Deuce: He absolutely called his mom to ask for some advice, and asked his dorm mom (Trey), to proofread the hand written note he had meticulously written and supervise while he tries to make a heartshaped quiche. Why quiche? Well he knows you guys have...Memories about eggs, and he remembers it fondly, and he knows that quiche freezes well, so if he makes a big batch, you can eat what you want and have a readily available breakfast to just pop back in the oven whenever you want it - hopefully you'll remember him each time you do, and you'll ask for more when you finish it! He ends up at Ramshackle a little disheveled and out of breath, trying to make the quiche early enough in the day that he could make it there before breakfast so maybe you could share a meal before class. "It's still warm??" "Yeah, I ran here as fast as I could once it was cool enough to handle." "You didn't have to..." "I wanted to! You're more than worth the effort it took to be here on time." Trey: Mans has a major advantage in that he is great in the kitchen, but he can't just make your favourite dessert. He can do that any day. No, for weeks ahead of time, he plans, makes, tests, and revises a new recipe, something that is unique and meant to be for you. It's more effort than he normally puts into his work, but it's so worth it when he shows up at Ramshackle in the evening to deliver his gift and a small note, though he gets shy. He leaves it on the front door step, knocks once, and moves to hide by the side of the house, relying on Grim's nose to bring you to the door if you didn't hear him knock. Seeing the way your face go from confusion to joy and excitement as you read the note is worth every moment he spent crouching. He knows tomorrow you'll want to talk to him in person, but for now, that's more than enough for him.

Cater: Consumerism Capital lmao. He has a really sweet, genuine gift to give to you, but the time he's spent with his sisters makes him second guess whether or not something is "good enough". So, yes, he will have spent 72 hours painting a fucking masterpiece on a phone case for you, or a pair of shoes you said you wanted, or a skateboard so you guys can skateboard together, or something you mentioned you wanted offhandedly months ago, but he's not sure if it's enough, so to "make up" for his "shitty handmade gift", he buys a shit ton of Valentine's day merchandise! He shows up with the giant teddy bear, the bouquet of flowers, the chocolates, the sappy movies, a trending perfume and some sort of specialty drink he picked up at a cafe. Depending on your reaction to all that stuff, he might actually give you the gift he worked on, otherwise you'll see it by accident or something and he gets embarrassed and a little flustered because What If You Don't Like It, Isn't Everything Else Better Than That Thing I Worked On Specifically For You. Treat him gently please. That's a personal request slkdjfhlskdjf

Riddle: He's new to this. So of course he researched long and hard on how to best express his interest in you without trying to push anything on you. Cater tried to show him cute stuff on social media, but it all seemed so scripted, disingenuous, or so over the top he couldn't see himself doing it that way. Or on the other end - they were couples, well into their relationships and living together- that wasn't where he was with you, at least....not yet. He ends up watching, reading and listening to tutorials on how to put together the perfect bouquet - his beloved rose garden would have more than an aesthetic use now, and with a little magic, a beautiful gradient came easily to the bunch of roses he arranged beautifully. Before you, this holiday just seemed ridiculous. Maybe it still was, but he would indulge if it meant it brought a smile to your face.

Savannaclaw

Jack: He can't be direct for the life of him, not in terms like this. The night before Valentine's day, he's still stumped on what to do for you that won't be...inherently romantic and obvious, but show that he cares about you!! His eyes end up settling on his little cactus and he ends up finally getting an idea. Somehow after class, but before you got home, he managed to gift you your own tiny cactus. He left it sitting in a box, a small knitted coaster of sorts sitting underneath the flower pot - he put it in the box just so that the yarn wouldn't snag on the uneven wood outside of Ramshackle- and a tiny cowboy hat sitting on top of your cactus. It had been from one of his little siblings dolls that ended up in his bag from the last time he'd gone home, but either they didn't even notice it was gone, or he could get them a replacement later.

Ruggie: "Do you have plans for Valentine's day?" "Yep. Wait for it to be over." He doesn't really care for Valentine's day, but the sale that starts on the 15th? Goddamn, yeah, he's gonna capitalize on that....and he might even like you enough to share a little bit of it...maybe while watching a movie....and snuggling up under the same blanket at Ramshackle...that he may or may not have snagged from Leona's pile of Really Nice blankets....all it takes is for you to say you want some chocolate or treats too.

Leona: He really doesn't care for Valentine's day and all the shit that comes with it, but his sister in law asked him to at least try to make the best of the day. Initially, he was going to...at least try to contest it, but ultimately decided there was a simple way to do it. He ends up firing you a quick text to meet him in the greenhouse. While the way he pulls you into his little nest for napping is rather unceremonious, once you've settled he tucks a pink camellia behind your ear before abruptly telling you he's going to sleep and you're welcome to join him or you can get out of there if you want. He hopes, that just maybe, you'll be able to identify the flower he gave you and find out what it means.

Octavinelle

Floyd: Azul is making him work overtime for Valentine's day, he doesn't get up early enough to do anything Before classes, and by the end of his shift he's EXHAUSTED and MAD. He likely has the wherewithall to bring you a serving from the special menu in a takeout container before flopping down on the couch next to you, then onto you, just looking for a little bit of physical affection. The next day he does feel a little bad for not making you feel as special as he could have, so he'll wake you up with breakfast in bed. Jade: Again, he's been working overtime but he was more ready for Valentine's day than Floyd. While he can't take you anywhere on the day of, he has an easy hike and picnic planned for the weekend if you'll join him. Despite being in the wild outdoors, he's determined to make you a dish that would be worthy of serving at the lounge. He will not handle being asked to stay home very well, but ultimately will if you want that more....but it's going to be in your backyard.

Azul: He had so much on his plate leading up to Valentine's day with marketing, organizing shifts and maximizing profit. But, some of that profit was already planned to be set aside specifically for you. It was about time that you got a bit of a leg up, right? I mean working for Crowley can only pay so much, and he's the head of the dorm that represents generosity anyways. So on the day after Valentine's day, he shows up in the evening with a laptop, and envelope with cash, and a grin, ready to show you the wonders of ✨investing✨. He may have forgotten you still...want to go home. He'll backtrack a bit and offer to help you find contractors that will renovate a part of Ramshackle for you.

Scarabia

Jamil: He didn't even bother trying to plan something for himself with you. How could he? It was a holiday, as ridiculous as it was, it meant that Kalim would inevitably want to celebrate it on the dorm level, and Jamil, of course, would have to plan and organize and arrange everything in order to make it work out. However, that didn't mean he wouldn't make sure to invite you. It didn't mean that he wouldn't make the time to ensure your favourite dish was served. Or that your favourite song would come on during the dance party portion of the celebration. Or that he wouldn't check on you just as, if not more frequently than he did on Kalim to make sure you're enjoying yourself. And if you're not, if it's all too much, he accounted for that already and will show you where you can stay until you feel okay again. Of course, if you show up an hour or two early and demand (you can't ask, he'll say no) to be given a task to lighten his burden, he might just admire you a little bit more (even if he still says no).

Kalim: Valentine's Day means partayyyyy time!! There's gonna be food, and dancing, and games, and lots of people, and live music because he, Cater, and Lilia are gonna perform, won't you come see him?? He needs you there so he can perform the best he ever has!! Come on Yuu, please??? They did actually practice, because they had to change a few lyrics so that it could be a better cover for Valentine's day and he was thinking of you when they modified it, so can you pleeeeeeeease come?

Pomefiore

Epel: He isn't sure whether he wants to continue a tradition he had from home or not, where he would show up at school with handmade lollipops and give them out to people....but his class at primary school was soooo much smaller, it wouldn't make sense to do it here for everyone. Not to mention, he usually had his grandma help him make them, he's never done it on his own. He likely does it for all the first years in his little friend group because he doesn't want to be obvious to anyone person that maybe...he likes them a little more...however your lollipop is the only one that seems to have no imperfections. Funny how that worked out.

Rook: Screw your alarm clock, he knows when you wake up anyways and will be outside your window, serenading you until you wake up. Even if you end up rolling out of bed lookin like a sewer rat and peaking out the window, once he knows you're awake he'll start reading poetry to you. He kinda just lingers until you're done getting ready enough to come great him outside, where he gives you a single rose and a few sheets of paper that he's written his poems about you on. He'll kiss the back of your hand and offer to escort you to class. ** I just want to say, for as much as I gripe about Rook in other posts, I genuinely believe that if he knew or found out you had no Valentine, no plans, and nobody treated you, he would, by the end of the day, at least have left a rose and handwritten note on in front of your door apologizing for not having asked to be your Valentine earlier and going through and complimenting you, though the note is completely anonymous. Rook is a bleeding heart (hehe Snow White ref) and regardless of his feelings for you/your feelings for him, he wants to make sure Valentine's day is positive for you.

Vil: Ugh, Valentine's day. It's a tacky, meaningless holiday that corporations push for the sake of profit. He agrees to model stuff still, sure, he has to in order to try and keep up with Neige, but he hates it. He gets his nails done so that they are jet black. Part of him wants to go goth for the day, but really that would be an overreaction to something so minor. He rejects any Valentine's day gifts, and likely won't want to do anything special, so if anything, you get to see a slightly out of character Vil as he either facetimes you to make sure you've been drinking water today and rant about the industry and how it's ruined Valentine's day, or. You send him a really cheesy gif wishing him a happy Valentines day and he very reluctantly replies, but tells you to never do that again (and it segues into Above).

Ignihyde

Idia (+ wingman/little shit Ortho): Ortho didn't really intend to snoop, but his big brother just left his phone out in the open...well he threw it onto his bed and mumbled something about being a loser. According to Ortho's analysis of Idia's phone, he hadn't been on a mobile game, so what got him so worked up? He sifted through until he found the culprit- the draft of a really sweet...and yeah, kinda cringey message he had written out addressed to the prefect of Ramshackle. Eugh he didn't need to read that...but...but Yuu should. He sends the message for Idia right before his brother comes back into the room, mumbling about how he needs to delete something. His eyes go wide as saucers as he sees not only has the message been sent, but the prefect has read it and is replying in that very moment. Idia reprimands Ortho immediately, but gently until the Prefects response comes through and Ortho confirms the tone is positive. Diasomnia lord help me it's one in the morning

Sebek: Wasn't going to do anything until Lilia mentioned...."exaggerated"...just how important Valentine's Day can be to humans. His decision to try and come up with a last minute gift only amplifies if he sees someone else give Yuu a gift, and ultimately decides with a certain degree of defeat just to buy something from Sam's shop. He decides something practical is best, but gets a little distracted around the candles. Surely in Ramshackle you would appreciate something small, aromatic and it even offers a small bit of heat! He decides to go through with it, but it's only noon, surely he can customize it a bit more before the end of the day. Lilia ends up walking into Sebek's room at around 10:30, only to see him struggling to stay awake as he wipes off paint from the lid. Based on the discarded tissues around, he hasn't been satisfied with any customizations he's tried to make. Lilia gently encourages him just to write a quick note, and he'll deliver it to the prefects doorstep for him so he can get to sleep. Sebek insists it's not perfect, but is forced to accept defeat as Lilia ushers him to bed, reassuring him that the prefect will still appreciate it.

Silver: He knows that he struggles to stay awake, so he starts on his project long before Valentine's day so that he can work on it whenever he has the wherewithall to do so. Come Valentine's day, he has the gift with him during class, and ends up sitting outside of Ramshackle, passed out next to the door waiting for you to show up so he can hand you his gift, which turns out to be a dagger. No, he didn't make it, but he wanted to research the best option for someone of your size and stature, the quality, where to purchase it reliably, to make a small write up on how to care for it properly, what it can and should be used for, and activities it's not suggested to use it for, but you technically "can". It also gives him an excuse to come see you more often to teach you how to use it- often teaching someone is a great way to learn and will add another layer to his training. Lilia: He's been around for so many Valentine's Days, he probably knew the fucking saint it was named after. That being said, he loves to make the most of life, and that doesn't stop here! Get ready for a home cooked meal, you don't have to worry about dinner tonight sweetheart, Lilia's got it covered. Or he'll pay for take out. Or both, to make up for the mess in your kitchen.

Malleus: He's been aware of the holiday for years, but has never really had a reason to celebrate it. But now there's someone who isn't scared of him. Someone who, perhaps if he asked, you would allow him to spend time with you. He ends up daydreaming about the activities the two of you could do together, from making gargoyles to learning to make ice cream together, he ends up spending the entire day like that. Though he's a bit frustrated at his loss of time, he writes out a heartfelt letter to invite you to join him in those activities at a later date. He'll either wait for you outside, or if its too late in the night, simply slide the letter under your door.

---------------------------------------------------------

I was gonna do Che'nya and Neige and even Rollo but its. its way too late, I'm hungry and I have a STATS class tomorrow RIP me.

[inariyazaki]

The Prophecy

Atsumu Miya x Gn!Reader

Warnings : self hatred, self doubt, js plain old negativity, mentions of self harm, alcohol, suicide, please scroll away if this is sensitive to you. I guess implied female ( Only implied with the nickname "Nee" meaning older sister in Japanese, however the pronouns are they/them )

Synopsis : Y/n Sosogi, someone who has many troubles, even as a child. Growing up, she had a hard time trusting others, and takes everything to heart. Their encounter with a certain someone did not go well.

PART [1][2] A/N : possible grammatical typographical errors hhh I apologize for that, I would like to apologize for giving Atsumu such a shitty character but its for the plot pls I also would like to apologize if the ending was not expected LMAOO

wc : 3,089

First year, and first day of high school. Y/n Sosogi doesn't know what to feel, ever since the death of their mother, they have been independent, but that doesn't mean they don't have limits.

Walking through the halls, they have never felt this overwhelmed, it's exactly like their first day of elementary school, where their brother was still present. I wonder how Ashitaka's doing? Did he finally go pro athlete? Brother's really old now. I hope he can visit.

Y/n Sosogi's first class wasn't that bad, it was just navigating through the rules, the names of the teachers, the different subjects and other things. There were clubs, and clubs aren't Y/n Sosogi's forte, they refuse to talk to anyone and get close with people.

The day has finally ended, Y/n Sosogi can't wait to just walk back home and sleep. There wasn't much to do since it was the first day, but the day after tomorrow is Club Festival, where people promote their clubs. While Y/n Sosogi isn't a fan of festivals like this, they had to attend.

The day of the festival has arrived, and luckily all the students could wear anything they want. Y/n has picked something comfy. Walking through the grounds of the High School and looking at the banners of the clubs, they sigh, none of the clubs felt ecstatic– well to be fair, it's hard to feel ecstatic nowadays.

Walking past club after club, they didn't find anything that caught their eye. While they had deep interest in volleyball, they didn't join the club. For one; they don't have the experience nor athleticism, and for two; they'd much prefer to be well and rested rather than training and coming home tired.

“I feel like I'm the only one without a club..” Y/n Sosogi thought to themselves, their eyes narrowing as they looked at the festival grounds from all the way at the end, “This is tiring..” They mumbled, brushing off their outfit, and they continued to walk, until the coach of the volleyball boy's came up to them, “Hello, excuse me.. I'm going around asking for students if they have clubs, and I'd like to ask if you have signed up for one yet?” He asked, Y/n Sosogi looked up at the coach, and shook their head, “No.. I haven't found a club yet.” The coach sighs in relief, “Would you like to sign up for the volleyball boys as our manager?” The coach offered, handing at the poster advertising the club, Y/n Sosogi takes a look at the poster, then looked up at the coach, quickly hummed, and nodded. “Sure.”

"It's such a relief finding someone who's willing to join the club. For now, you'll only be observing the team and get used to the atmosphere." the coach, who he introduced himself as 'Kurosu Norimune'. Y/n Sosogi slowly nodded their head and looked at the records in their arms. "Ah, I forgot to ask. What is yer name? And what year yer in?" He asks, Y/n Sosogi hums as they close the record book and hugged it, as a way to keep their arms preoccupied. "Sosogi.. Y/n. 1st year in class 5." They replied back, coach Kurosu nods. "Great to know. I'm sure you'll get along with the other 1st years, and you might like them, there's a fascinating duo, too." The coach muses with a chuckle, stopping in front of the gym doors and placing his volleyball shoes on. "Have you met twins before?" He asked, attempting to make small talk with the first year beside him, Y/n Sosogi shakes her head, and the gym doors open. "Gather! Gather!" The team captain exclaims and surrounds the entrance of the gym.

"Everyone, this is Sosogi Y/n, 1st year class 5. Today, they will be trying out for the position of being our manager. Please continue practicing normally, as Sosogi will only observe before making a decision." Coach Kurosu announced, and everyone just let out a loud "Understood", making Y/n Sosogi slightly winced at the loud volume. Kurosu had led Y/n Sosogi to the bench to explain the things to do as a manager.

"As the manager, in every practice and match, you will be recording every set and plays- for example, any quick shots and write if it is successful or not. This way, we will be able to analyze and calculate the percentage rate of the move or not." Coach Kurosu informs and explains, Y/n Sosogi just listens attentively while watching the drills. "Oh, and during the drills, you will also keep note of everything." He adds, Y/n Sosogi hums and they turn their head to the coach. "Do I have to remember anything about the uh rules in volleyball or..?" They mumbled, coach Kurosu nods. "Indeed you do, you'll also write down every out of bounds, or touch nets. et cetera. This role is quite demanding, so I'd understand if you'd want to back down." He says with a reluctant expression, clearly hesitant to let a potential manager go. Y/n Sosogi shakes their head. "It's alright. I made up my mind anyways." They mutter, coach Kurosu sighs in relief, and nods. "That is absolutely great news, Sosogi. I'm sure the team will welcome you."

oh the team was welcoming alright, there was just on asshole who was pissed at Y/n Sosogi for some reason, sending glares at them every time they'd hand him a towel or his bottle, muttering a "I can get it myself, thank ya very much." Bitterly, a dialect can be heard; clearly grew up in Hyogo. Curiosity got the better of them, and so they turned their head to the coach, and so does the coach. "Who's that?" They asked, pointing at the boy and the coach hums. "Ah, that's Atsumu. Miya Atsumu, he's a promisin' player, he'll surely go far." The coach says, clearly prideful of his players, and a vein pops on Y/n Sosogi's forehead as their eyebrows furrows. "He's annoyin' as hell."

Months passed, and their rage over the certain Miya has gotten exceedingly bad to the point they'd ignore him whenever talking to the team. The reason why Atsumu is being an asshole? "Why do we have a manager when we can already handle ourselves? That's useless!" word by word. In short, Atsumu looks down on Y/n Sosogi, and Y/n Sosogi is NOT letting that slide. Every training, they'd deliberately give Atsumu some half-assed attempt in helping him, almost dropping his bottle because of how little to no effort Y/n Sosogi is giving, making Atsumu more annoyed with them. But even though Atsumu was clearly being an asshole, Y/n Sosogi knew that as a manager, they'd still help every player.

But they'd definitely be lying if they say that his words and demeanor didn't affect them mentally.

Once again, months had pass, and the 1st years were now second years. Not to mention, Atsumu had probably gotten more obnoxious. Not to mention, he had gotten extremely well known for being unfortunately attractive and playing for a power house, Y/n Sosogi had to limit her nasty looks or they'd get flamed by Atsumu's fangirls. But this doesn't mean they haven't been studying Atsumu; they're aware that Atsumu prefers his serves quiet to avoid any interruptions, they know Atsumu cares for his spiker than any setter, delicately sending his spiker a perfect set. They're also aware that Atsumu is disliked, too, by other people. Aware at the fact Atsumu hates people who slack off, saying that his sets deserves more "respect" in them. Y/n Sosogi couldn't help but think about something though, how Atsumu would always brush off those comments. Well, not that they'd understand emotions, that's what they lacked growing up, after all.

But Y/n Sosogi did something they didn't even think about doing. It was when they were closing up since training finished, only to return to the gym's doors opened and someone hitting a ball aggressively; "Probably Atsumu again." they thought to themselves, climbing up the steps and looking in the gym, and what do you know? Miya Atsumu in his full glory.

"What're ya doin'?" Y/n Sosogi speaks up, crossing their arms and tilting their head with their eyebrows furrowed, Atsumu stops in his serve practice and clicked his tongue. "Nun' ya damn business, Sosogi. Thought ya were cleanin' up already?" He grumbles under his breathe, grabbing a ball from the pile and raising his arm to toss the ball up in the air, Y/n Sosogi was about to speak, not until he tossed the ball up and Y/n quickly closed her mouth. Atsumu took notice of this, and grew curious as he practically violated the ball, hitting it out of bounds and clicking his tongue. Y/n slightly winced at the force in that spike and her eyes subtly narrow, "Are ya tryna blow off some steam off 'r what?" They mumbled, walking over to the other side of the net and grabbing the stranded balls, and rolling them over to the pile, "Huh? What're ya tryna say?" He spat in an offended tone, was his spike in your eyes or something? "I meant that yer hitting the ball more harder than you usually do. Like yer stressed or somethin'. I dunno." They mumble, walking to the pile and placing the left balls in and facing Atsumu. Atsumu sends her a glare and looked away with a huff. "Whaddya know?" He mumbles as he ran his fingers through his golden-yellow locks, Y/n frowns at his statement, he was clearly in distress about something but refused to open up. "Look I know ya aren't my biggest fan, but 'm still yer manager in the end. Ya've been playing shitty plays since the start o' trainin', an' it's clearly botherin' ya, so spit it out." They point out, crossing their arms, Atsumu gives them an offended yet intimidating glare, causing Y/n to avert their gaze for a few seconds but looks back at him again, blinking twice. "Well?" They say, cocking their head to the side to try to at least annoy him to pry the answer out.

"Christ, yer nosy as hell." He huffed, grabbing a ball from the pile out of frustration and serves once again, hitting out of bounds and cursing at himself, "Alright, 'm gonna bet those comments got inta yer head." Y/n said, looking at him with raised eyebrows and his head whips to their direction. "Shuddap will ya? Ya don' know shit." He spits gingerly and Y/n cringed at his tone, clearly not used to it. "So it did, huh. It's okay to be honest with yer feelings." Y/n Sosogi muttered, placing both of their hands in their uniform's pocket and Atsumu's brows furrowed, letting out a scoff and staring at Y/n in irritation. "Please, what do ya know?" He mumbles, rolling his eyes as he walks over to he astray balls. Y/n growing silent, as they watched him pick the balls up.

"Like.. everything? How the people would always mutter how yer so full of yerself and yer so arrogant?" Y/n started, walking and pacing around the court as they look around, humming in thought. "I'm pretty sure yer twin also mentioned he wouldn't want to be ya." They added, clearly hitting a nerve on Atsumu in which he clearly tried to stop himself from throwing the ball in his hand to them. "Okay, chill bro." Y/n muttered, giving him a side eye and sighing, walking over to the net and leaning on the pole. "Yer just gonna let it pass? I mean- ya aren't gonna do anything?" They mused, furrowing their brows as they watch him throw the balls in the pile. "If ya really aren't gonna be verbal about it, then just start setting those balls fer yer spiker out of spite, be a perfectionist if ya want." They continued, Atsumu just huffing in response and turning around to face Y/n. "As if that's what I wasn't doing in the first place? It just get's distractin' an' annoyin." He huffs, pushing the cart of the balls in the storage room. "Right, okay. Just get home, will ya? I'll clean the gym, get outta here." Y/n mutters, pushing themselves off of the pole and walking towards the storage room as well.

Atsumu had observed something for a while though, and curiosity got the better of him. "Yer always here late." He mutters, looking up from the pile of volleyballs and looked at Y/n who grabbed the mop. Y/n looks up from the mop, raises an eyebrow in confusion, "What?" They asked, confused at the boy's statement, Atsumu lets out a puff- he didn't like being repeated, after all. "I said, yer always at school at this time. Don't you have a family to go home to?" He asked, and that hit Y/n's nerves this time, their brows furrowing and giving an unintentional glare at the boy, causing Atsumu to give them a side eye. "T'was a genuine question, 'ey! Givin' me that look as if I killed'ya family or sum.." He grumbled as he looked away, clearly too prideful to have admit he was ( most ) probably in the wrong for asking that to cause such reaction from them.

"To answer yer question, I don't." Y/n answered back, turning around with their heel and mopping the court, leaving Atsumu baffled at the honest answer, whipping his head to their direction and blinked twice. "Wai-- wha?--" He stuttered, confused at the answer given to his question. "Well? Ya asked, right? I don't. Simple as that." Y/n mumbled, mopping the place near the nets because that's where normally the blockers would be. "Can you.. I dunno, elaborate? 'Cause that's sucha vague answer, can't blame me fer being shocked!" He exclaimed in defense, walking out of the storage room to continue the conversation they were having. Y/n lets out a sigh, looking up from the ground to give Atsumu a deadpanned expression and blink idly. "Look whose being nosy now." They retorted back, in return, Atsumu also giving them a deadpanned expression. "I'd like ta call it curious." He says in a taunting tone, Y/n tsk-ed at his remark and had no choice but to elaborate because he wouldn't stop staring at them. "I meant it literally. My mom's dead, took 'er own life, my dad died to a heart attack due ta too much alcohol consumption, I live with my step mom but we barely interact. Plus, 'er boyfriend gives me the heebie jeebies. There, happy?" They quickly explained, leaving no room for the emotions to start pouring out, and to avoid literally having a mental break down right there and there, it was sudden for both Atsumu and Y/n Sosogi indeed, both minds not even registering the facts that Y/n opened up to Atsumu no one else, and it was her first time, nothing less.

"Well uh that was er.. deep." Atsumu mumbled, he really wasn't good at this peculiar aspect of "comforting" and "empathy" in a sense, so he didn't know what to do-- but suddenly he felt conscious about his behavior towards to her, so that flipped a switch in him. "Yeah, no shit." Y/n muttered, finishing up with the mop and walking over to the storage room to return the mop. "Look- I er.. 'm not the best with comforting but uh.. Kita is good with words so you can probably go to im'.." Atsumu suggested, looking down at his shoes to sheepishly rub his nape, though he did wanted to do something, but his pride says otherwise. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, I guess?" Y/n mumbles with a shrug, fixing the mops so that none of the players or coach would trip on it. Atsumu just watched, clearly having an internal dilemma whether if he should or shouldn't do something. But, ultimately, he just gave in. "Sosogi.." He called, Y/n turns around and raises an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. "It's hard for ya.. well, obviously, when ya don't have anyone ta rely on.. uh but if ya really need someone to hear ya out, the teams 'ere fer ya. Even if we aren't that empathy.. uh.. you can do it..?" He mumbles very awkwardly, receiving silence from Y/n. A few seconds of silence passed, and Y/n lets out a snicker, "Is that yer way of comforting me, Atsumu? Well aren't I delighted. Thanks." They say in a smug and sarcastic manner, walking over to him and patting his shoulder. "That made me chuckle, at least a bit. Made me feel better." Y/n muttered with a small grin, Atsumu scoffs and rolls his eyes, going back to his signature obnoxious tone and expression as he watches Y/n walk past him. But he did notice the small smile, something he didn't notice throughout the almost 2 years they've been Inarizaki's manager.

well, that was a start for both of the individuals for their character development.

the very next day, Atsumu had been acting more.. nicer and more respectable, mumbling a quiet "thank you" whenever he was handed a towel or water bottle. Leaving Osamu and Y/n very perplexed. "Is yer twin doing okay? Is he sick?" Y/n mumbled to Osamu, Osamu shrugging and placing the water bottle down. "Dunno.. something probably possessed him or sum.." He mumbled as well, giving Y/n a look and they both stifled a laughter. "Let 'im be, I guess. S'not all the time he's willin' ta be nice ta ya." Osamu says, shrugging a shoulder and Y/n nodding in agreement. "Good point. Okay, back to practice ya go."

even after being treated well by Atsumu nowadays, Y/n still makes sure to keep their distance, in the back of their mind, the thoughts that he'll leave like everyone else lingered the back of their mind, whatever they do. So they still make comments about him and his tendencies, however also apologizing afterwards since it'd make them sound insensitive.

Atsumu was offended. But he let it slide, after all, he did wanted to become friends with Y/n after all that opening up. And he made an internal promise to himself that he'll continue treating Sosogi fairly.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[priincebutt]

Holy shit those are such good prompts and I wanna send you an ask for every single one! But I'm gonna go with the one that jumped out at me first!

"People say I'm jealous but my kink is watching you ruin your life."

And please don't hate me but... Alex/Hunter (platonic/ hate-ship)

it's hot when you have a meltdown an ACD x WASP-y Hunter ficlet

Hunter is so boring. And he's such an asshole, with his constant need to correct people and his over-abundance of intelligence he insists on flaunting. He's not someone you take home to your mom, but he's a good fuck, so who is Alex to say no?

It started a month ago. They were both at the same bar late, and one shot had led to another, which led to an angry make out session that was more teeth and tongue, and next thing Alex knew, WASPy Hunter was in his bed, undone and writhing and conquered. And then it happened again, and Alex wasn’t… mad at it, honestly. He should have been, but there was something satisfying about fucking Hunter’s brains out, hearing him moaning Alex’s name like it was a sacred oath when during the daylight hours he used his name as a curse.

So now things between them are… weird, but manageable. During classes they still race against each other, pushing for the better score or the more correct answer, seeing whose hand can fly into the air the fastest to answer the professor’s question, needling at each other and generally pushing one another higher and higher. At night they take their aggression out in the only way they seem to know how – between the sheets. It’s better than physically fighting, Alex guesses, but it’s still so weird to know that he can absolutely loathe Hunter, and everything that comes out of his mouth, one moment, and be balls deep in him the next and it’s… fine. Normal, now, even.

But just because they’ve seen each other naked doesn’t mean Alex still doesn’t get absolute glee when he sees that he’s scored higher on their finals than Hunter has. If anything, it fuels him, and Nora gives him a look that screams ‘you’re being a fucking weirdo’ when Alex recounts, later that night, how he managed to beat out Hunter on their final by ten points.

He isn’t expecting the ‘u up?’ text when it dings on his phone at exactly 12:58 AM. But he has finals tomorrow and has been studying since June and Nora left, and Alex shrugs his shoulders as he fires back a quick affirmative text to Hunter. It’s not even five minutes before he gets an ‘omw’ text back (because Hunter has roommates and Alex is lucky to have a shitty but private one bedroom above a deli). He continues studying until he hears the familiar knocking on the door, and he lets Hunter in, eyes him up and down like a predator sizing up their prey, and immediately clocks Hunter’s distress.

“It’s fucking dumb but I’ve just had a bad day and could really use some… physical release, you know?” Hunter tells him angrily as he drops his coat on Alex’s couch and shoves his hands into his pockets. They don’t do feelings, and this feels awfully close to towing that line.

Alex shrugs his broad shoulders and stretches out his stiff arms, and he notes the way Hunter’s dark eyes clock the sliver of torso revealed by the motion. “Okay? You don’t have to come in here with a fucking sob story, Hunter. I like fucking you plenty, we don’t need to make this like, a thing. It can just be sex.”

“I know,” Hunter agrees ruthlessly. He crowds into Alex’s space, puts his hands on Alex’s waist and shoves him back and against the wall. Alex has a solid few inches on Hunter, and is reasonably more bulky, but sometimes he likes to be pushed around a little bit. Sue him.

“My fucking car broke down and I had to walk a fucking mile in the goddamn snow. And then I came home and my roommates had managed to catch something foul on fire and the whole place stunk. Not to mention my grade on Doctor Lewis’s exam which was abhorrent –” Hunter stops talking when he sees the smile that curls around Alex’s lips, like he derives absolute pleasure from this poor bastard’s pain. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Hunter growls as he shoves at Alex’s shoulder.

“My friends all think I’m fucking jealous of you, but my kink is watching you ruin your life, baby,” Alex shrugs his shoulders as his fingers curl around Hunter’s throat, constricting slightly, enough to shut Hunter up as he catches him in a searing kiss. 

[ghostofasecretary]

trying to do something more than void screaming and uh. not going great

but since i haven't actually screamed:

wow, dude, it is becoming increasingly clear to me how much of the last two years i've spent not having emotions around all the vaguely shitty (and some tremendously shitty) things that've happened in my life!! and now that i'm thinking about moving, it's. like. oh right i used to have a wider range of emotions. i used to get mad because i wanted my life to be better and felt that it was possible. i was not actually always chill about things. my chill is mostly a response to crushing anxiety and misery actually!

and i'm, like. i was horrifically lonely for the first 8 months after moving back in with my parents in May 2022 and then it subsided until the last time a friend came to visit in January 24, which was lovely and then i cried for a few hours and felt like my chest was ripped open and i called another friend and sobbed until i was functional again

(i also cried on the way home from a vacation spent visiting friends but it was a bit easier to box that up again)

how much of my life has just been getting to function under a deep layer of unhappiness!!

and like, i'm not gonna knock getting to function. i fully did not have enough energy to do anything from, like, February to May 23. and i had very little energy after that, though more! and i worked from May to a few days ago, which i did because i found even more energy. but it was terrifying to be so knocked out i couldn't apply for jobs or think about the future or my finances, and that went on realistically for like 8+ months, and that makes me want to cry but. well. that's life. and i did get my accounting back on track and i took a class and i figured out some food stuff and i, y'know. was alive?

but i want to be happy. i want my life to be good. i don't want to spend years being miserable--i say, as if i don't dream about getting a PhD, y'know, The Process Where You're Miserable For 5-7 Years And Then Your Future Is Still Horribly Uncertain (but also you get to be super nerdy so. points!?)--and i don't want to have feelings about the past! i've had PTSD twice, surely that's enough rumination for anyone!

and i know it doesn't work like that. i know. it's okay to have feelings and it's okay for things to not work out.

but my growing awareness of, Oh Right, Used To Be Different, Used To Feel Less Resignation has mostly been coupled with, like, more anxiety and way less getting things done. and i would like to get things done and be less anxious! rude that that isn't happening!!

i dunno. i don't think i'm necessarily thinking clearly about any of this or drawing accurate conclusions, i just. needed to make some words about the storm i'm feeling

tomorrow i have three tasks and some bonus ones. tonight i can maybe get a head start on some of them or work on some little ones and that'll be good for me.

i'll be fine. i may also, like, scream for a good long while and be tremendously upset and have a bunch of "hahaha wow living with my rapey ex the first time i ever lived in a city sure was something, surely this will have no impact on me" feelings! but i'll also do laundry. so who is the real winner.

[heavencasteel420]

WIP Wednesday

From Save the Last Dance for Me (tw: racism):

Lucas gets why Mike and Dustin have doubts about the basketball team. There’s a lot of bullshit that goes with it. Some of his teammates are the same kids who called the Party names and pushed them around in middle school, and now Lucas has to smile back at their stupid, bland faces. Everyone assumes that he’s naturally better at basketball because he’s black, so it’s no big deal if he’s good but the joke of the year if he’s shitty. And, while Jason is a nice-enough guy, his politician smile and cliche-ridden speeches can get under Lucas’s skin.  Yet there’s bullshit that goes with Hellfire Club, too. There’s a whole hierarchy, with Eddie at the top, the other older boys in the middle, and Lucas and Dustin and Mike at the bottom. If Jason acts like he’s running for senator, Eddie pretends to be some kind of evil trickster king. Lucas doesn’t begrudge him the theatrics—he appreciates how he throws the school’s disdain back in its face—but, sometimes, when he sees Jason and Eddie snipe at each other in the cafeteria, he just feels pissed off. You’re fighting over nothing, he wants to scream at them. There are monsters in this town. People have died.  Of course, Lucas suspects that, deep down, he’s just not a team player. 

From Tonight, Tonight, the Highway's Bright (specifically Jonathan's Fast Times at Ridgemont High English journal entry):

Before I moved to Indianapolis, I worked at a movie theater, so I saw a lot of movies, mostly in bits and pieces. That's how I first saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High, in the summer of 1982. I didn't like it much back then. I thought it was gross, and not in a cool way like The Evil Dead. Just loud and annoying. I don't feel that way now. It helps that I actually watched it from beginning to end, like you're supposed to watch a movie, but also I think you sometimes have to experience things before you appreciate a movie or a book or a song. I still don't like Spicoli. I can't laugh at him because I keep wondering what's wrong with him. Weed is good (disclaimer: not that I would know) but it's not that good. I still don't get the big deal about Linda (Phoebe Cates) getting out of the pool. She looks great but it's not real. I don't mean not real because it's a movie. I mean not real because it's all in Brad's head. She's not really looking at him and taking her bikini top off. (Sorry for writing about nudity in English class, by the way. I'm trying to be tasteful about it. But Brett Mason is sitting beside me right now, drawing a woman in a bikini. She's wearing boxing gloves and fighting a giant cockroach. It's very Kafkaesque.) Anyway, I keep thinking about Stacy Hamilton.

From Tomorrow's a Long Way Off:

Something inside of him froze. He thought they’d been in agreement about the trip to Indianapolis: that they needed a second car as soon as he could drive it, and that Lonnie was offering their only chance anytime soon. He thought they’d been in agreement about Will, too: that he had to be shielded from Lonnie’s moronic disdain. Apparently, though, she’d been working alone the whole time. And so had he. “I can’t talk to you,” he said. “I’m going to bed.”

[witchinatree]

magnus protocol episode 30 ramble

WE'RE SO FUCKING BACK WE'RE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING BACK

i was relistening today to get in the spirit but i only got through episode 15 :( it's ok though 16-29 were more recent

anyway i'm like hardcore tweaking because i need this so bad but i'm also so not ready for this HIATUS?? it's both over and we're so back

i'm like kind of nervous.... LMAOOO????? anyway um here's hoping my blog @is-teddy-vaughn-still-alive doesn't immediately have to start saying he's dead for the rest of time i've had it for like 3 days

this is going to alter me as a person.

TWEAKINGGG here we go :]!!

the magnus protocol intro goes really hard i think i've said this before though

he said job but i heard jon. dead end JON like the season 2 finale of the magnus archives

OH IMMEDIATE SAM POV LET'S GO I GUESS. sam stop ignoring her.

WHY DID MY EX JUST TEXT ME. WHY DID MY EX GIRLFRIEND JUST TEXT ME. I THOUGHT I BLOCKED HER NUMBER?? HANG ON I HAVE TO PAUSE AND TELL MY FRIENDS ABOUT THIS AND THEN GO BLOCK HER NUMBER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. dude.

oh my god i have to respond to this because i have class with her tomorrow are you fucking serious chat are you fucking serious

i don't even.. i can't even.. what the hell. during my magnus time? really? on THE magnus day? fuck oh my god. i.. i..... I'M SCARED??????

we're not touching that. anyway ummmmmm what the HELL ??? LMAO SORRY WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE PROTOCOL RAMBLE NOW???? we literally haven't spoken since like march when she sent me the "breakup closure playlist" and i thought i BLOCKED HER. tweaking OUTTTTTTTT.

having to restart the episode after this one i'm.. i need a reset..

sam she's not upset she's telling you you're in TROUBLE stop GHOSTING HER you are in DANGER babe. SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS RIGHT SHE IS RIGHT SHE IS RIGHT BABE YESSSSSS!!!! connect those dots honey it is your fault

SAM? SAM? SAM? WHAT'S? WHY IS HE COUGHING? I'M REALLY. WORRIED. I'M REALLY SCARED.

if sam dies here i'm gonna have to delete those sam hating posts i swear to god i'm gonna have to delete them i love him now

"there's a plan?" (disregards) woah. celia. what. i'm really really really scared help

i feel like we're listening to his final moments and i'm no................ "we're safe here" CELIA??????

ALICE PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW THEM PLEASE BABE IT'S OVER FOR SAM BUT IT'S NOT ENTIRELY OVER FOR YOU

COLIN? COLIN???????? COOLLOLININNK??????????? I'M CRYING COLIN HONEY PLEASE DI NOT DIE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WHAT DID HE DO WHAT DID HE DO WHAT DID HE DO WHAT DID HE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

GO TO THE OFFICE ALICE. HE'S DEAD TEDDY'S DEAD ALICE YOU NEED TO STOP IGNORING THEM FOR SAM'S SAKE THEY'RE BOTH DEAD AS HELLLLLLLL

gwen come through and be okay pls. gwen pls. TREVOR HERBERT NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME CACKLE I'M SORRY.

lena do you still have your job? babygirl? oh god. something bad is gonna happen to her. is there a lena death count lmao

"but i think you will be" LENA???? shaking actually hello. goodbye lena???? YOU'RE ALL GOING TO NEED IT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???????????????????? gwenny are you laughing or crying or nope you're laughing. you are laughing.

they're at hilltop center oh my fuckign god they're here nervously petting my desk??? what am i doing.

"checking for tape recorders" LORD.

"call it a hunch" loooooooooooooooord.

hey why's sam humming he's being so fucking weird rn???? he's being so weird????????? so is celia actually i really hate this

"we want your teeth" these are all weird places huh. interestinggggg.

celia you gotta stop pushing sam please pleeasasee

i'm so freake WHO IS THAT WHOOO????? LMAO??????? poor dude

"i better go lock it back up before it's..." ooh supernatural worker

LMAOO IT'S SO HAUNTED PLS GET OUTTTTTTT PLSSSSS GET OUTTTTTTT

you SHOULD go sam and celia you SHOULD

she's being super weird is she like actually a shitty person bc i was kinda defending her with my whole being

"if you're stupid enough to go poking around, that's on you" this guy would love alice

oh speak of the devil hi babe!!!!

NO HESTITATION AFTER THE BRIBE LMAOO

I ACTUALLY HEARD THE TAPE RECORDER THIS TIME I'M SO PROUD.

oh the custodian is gonna die that sucks so much because i actually really like him he's coughing like sam was i'm really worried

oooh that was the clearest thing we've heard the archivist say

THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES MUSIC I'M GOING TO START CRYING SO LOUD I CAN'T EVEN ANYMORE

OH WHY WOULD YOU BRING UP THE FINGERNAIL THING I LOST A FINGERNAIL FROM THE ROOT YESTERDAY.

dogs.. like lady mowbray...

NIKOLA ORSINOV????????????????????????? NIKOLA??????????????????? BABE?????????????????????????????

no it was a person unfortunately

DEAD IN HIS OFFICE???? oh what the actual fuck

okay they're really not subtle about the magnus archives theme anymore LMFAO

oh my god he's dying :( i really liked him he seemed so chill

WHAT??????????????????? DID HE JUST BECOME THE BUILDING????????????????????????????????????????????? DUDE COME ON CAN ONE MINOR SIDE CHARACTER JUST BE OKAY AND HAPPY. rip i guess? rest in piece (singular)

"she can wait" you're pissing me off.

celia knows this too damn well she knows it TOO well. did she ever have to dig herself out of this

IS THIS THE RIP??????

celia? celia is this where you came from. "almost" HUH?

WHAT'S HAPPENING WHAT'S HAPPENING??? SAM YOU'RE KINDA REAL FOR THIS ACTUALLY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO HIM PLEASE

if he dies. i'm gonna be so upset.

WOAH. WOAHHHHHHHH. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. THE INSTITUTE ALCHEMY IT'S ALL ABOUT BALANCE IT WANTS HER BACK IT. WHAHTUAHAHDHAHGAGDGASYFGAFYGTASGTGFGJS

the equation doesn't balance so you have to go back? oh that's why she wakes up randomly because it's pulling her!! "there's nothing to go back to" sad face. lynne hammond did have a................................ celia. ceeeeeeelia.

celia don't fucking do it don't fucking do it don't fucking do it.

"I REALLY DID LIKE YOU" I'M HYPERVENTILATING. SHE'S CARRYING A KNIFE. I'M HYPERVENTILATING.

I'M CRYING. WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED. WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING. WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING. IS THIS CELIA'S STATEMENT???

THE FEARLESS ONE I'M ACTUALLY WEEPING??????

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT SAM ARE YOU OKAY. ALCIUEJ NAOLIKJDHFJVDFHIJBHABHIFBJGHF

I'M SO UNOKAY I'M SOOOOO ALICE NO PLEASE BABYDOLL PLEASE YOU'RE SO FUCKED YOU'RE SO FUCKED

NOT THE FUCKING HILLTOP DUDE GOD DAMMIT

shaking trembling violently rocking back and forth i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared

gwenny.... hhhhhh

oh hey it's trevor! can we pls go find out what just happened to sam i need him to be alright.

what is that fuckass no HELLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO OH MY GOD ALICE IS THERE AND CELIA AND SAM OHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD. OOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD. WHERE'S SAM.

he's not.. is he? oh no.

THEY BOOOOOOOOOOTH FELL THROUGH???????? AND YOU'RE ENDING THE FUCKING EPISODE THERE DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME ANYMORE YOOUUUUUUUUUUU. YOU. OH MY FUCK.

i need to go take a moment to reflect or something holy fucking shit.

[journeyintofiction]

hii, can u do a Shuri x reader where the reader is in college and is getting verbally and physically abused by her parents due to her bad academics performance but she won’t tell Shuri because she has a country to worry about until Shuri eventually finds out because the reader won’t answer calls or texts? <33

Hello everyone! I took a tiny hiatus because I had a very huge loss in my family right before New years so I was not in the mental headspace to write anything. However, I am back and unfortunately the college semester is in full swing. Pls send help im dying 

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of verbally and physically abusive parents

Word count:1k

As always, happy reading :) 

“y/n, you better not be crying in your room before I come in there and give you something to cry about!”

I quickly attempt to muffle my sobs by burying my head in my comforter on the bed, hoping and praying that my parents can’t hear me. God knows I don’t need another beating after what happened tonight. 

It always happens like this. Every single time. I do my best, get anything lower than an A and I know as soon as I come home I’m gonna have my ass beat. No matter how hard the class is or how hard I work they don’t care because if it isn’t an A it is considered a failure. I went to the college they wanted me to go to because I could stay home and make money but that meant I couldn’t escape their abuse. 

This semester I had a slip up and got a C in a class and in turn they beat the shit out of me as a form of “teaching me” a lesson. It's not just the physical abuse, every insult was a purposeful stab at me because I failed to meet their expectations or it was just because they had a shitty day and wanted to hurt my feelings. I am at a breaking point mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I hear my phone vibrate and I pick my head up from my comforter to look at my phone and see Shuri’s name pop up on the screen. A smile slightly at the thought of her but wince when I feel the tightness of my skin from my tears drying. I slowly move over to where my phone is so I can text back before she gets worried.

Shuri always knew my schedule and when I suddenly don't answer and she knows I'm at home, she gets worried sick. I shoot her a text and let her know I cant talk and just as I am about to hit send she calls me. Out of fear I quickly answer and start speaking in hushed tones so that my parents dont hear me.

“Shuri, i love you, but right now really isn’t a good time.”

She pauses and asks, “Are you at home?”

“What? Yes I’m at home, you know my routine plus you can track me right now.” I say in confusion.

“My love, I have been trying to call you for the last 2 hours.”

I go silent for a moment and try to figure out how to explain the entire situation without getting Shuri upset or involved with my parents. She takes my silence as a negative response and begins to respond before I can.

“y/n if you have something going on, please just tell me.”

I bite my lip and respond on the verge of tears, “Shuri I want to tell you, I really do but if I say anything… I-”

I get cut off by my mom coming up the stairs and I shove my phone under my pillow but don’t end the call so Shuri can hear everything.

“Who are you talking to up here, huh?”

I look at her impassively so that she believes me, “No one mom, I'm rereading something for my test tomorrow.”

“Yeah, you better be because if I see you come home with another B or less, you are gonna get your ass beat again. I'm not playing with you, your father and I have told you time and time again that we expect you to achieve and you fall short every time.”

I feel my eyes getting watery but otherwise show no emotion and respond as I always do, “of course, I’ll make sure its nothing less than an A.”

My mother looks at me hard and nods, “Keep studying and while you’re at it, dust your room and do laundry.”

With that she leaves to go back down stairs for the night and I pick up my phone from under my pillow. 

“Shuri, are you still there?”

Instead of a reply I get a facetime call and I accept it quickly, frowning at her when she appears on screen. 

“What's wrong? Why did you need to facetime me-”

Shuri looks at me angrily, “How long has this been happening?”

“How long has what been happening?” I say, playing dumb and hoping that she will drop the conversation.

“y/n.”

I sigh, “years, I… never said anything because I know you are busy and this is not your concern and responsibility.”

“All those bruises over the last few months, they were your parents weren’t they?” she whispered.

Looking down and picking at my comforter I mutter a soft “ya.”

She sighed and didn’t say anything for a moment, seemingly unsure of how to broach the subject without hurting me or making me uncomfortable. Then she finally asks, “What else have they…done?”

I hesitate and glance at her on the screen, “It’s just yelling and berating me most of the time but when I get a bad grade they, uh, beat me.”

“Is that why you reacted poorly when I yelled a few weeks back?”

I nod and she looks away from her screen guiltily, “No, Shuri don’t do that to yourself, you didn’t know back then.”

“I should have picked up on it though, I mean seriously the bruises and the flinching whenever my voice was raised should have told me everything I needed to know.”

I see her moving around frantically packing things and I frown because as far as I knew, she didn’t have a meeting and wasn’t expected to go anywhere this evening. When she glances over and sees my confused look she shrugs and raises an eyebrow.

“What?”

“Shuri… what are you doing?” I ask with my head cocked to the side.

“I’m coming to see you… and talk to your parents.”

“YOU'RE WHAT?”

A/N: Please forgive any grammatical errors, I am extremely tired and have had a looonnngggg week. 

[doonarose]

I am exhausted... Three fairly busy days of work. Three very busy and stressful nights of science outreach where I was running everything and once again failed to delegate. Really average engagement as well, which meant I was scrambling each night to get enough tickets sold and whatever, but it mostly turned out in the end. It did mean that I was working 8-3 and 5-10 every day with the middle two hours break dedicated to nipping home, walking and feeding the dogs, getting changed and heading back out. And then running between two venues trying to manage shitty science speakers and MCs and volunteers. Mostly a success though.

Two major things soured it. Last night, our last night, at the venue we've used for two years running and that has, on the whole of things, been great. Between managed The Rest of It, and my dean (evil incarnate and a walking talking karen) being the average MC (we had a best science joke comp and she was reading them out and she opened with 'I'm not a joke person' and then gave off the vibe 'if you laugh at this you're the worst' but then also got annoyed that no one was laughing)... anyway, between all that, one of the wait staff pulled me to side and gave me the heads up that the chef wanted a private word with me... because one of our speakers had announced the event to his entire 50 students class (great!) and gone on to say they should eat before they come because the venue's food was over priced and awful (wtf?).

So then I went and talked to the chef between speakers and he was pretty reasonable and I'm on his side, but also, like, his instinct was to go and fight my speaker which... I was against, but like... great... and he wanted an apology (which, also, fair) and I think I handled it (and am still handling it) well enough but... why?

And the other fun thing was at the second venue on the second night, I was there for setup and then went back across for the last half hour, and paid off the bar tab. This is for the speakers, the MC, and the one or two volunteers who help with setup and taking tickets. We are capped at $200 a night. I went to pay it and it was almost $400 and had ten main meals on it. Worked out a bunch of PhD students just decided they also qualified... like one who kept asking to volunteer and sitting with my actual volunteer but who did nothing. And then at least three others who just came to the events... The tickets were $8 and to access the tab you had to say you were a volunteer so either these PhD students are astronomically stupid or they're just thieves (from either me or a not-for-profit). So now I'm chasing that up and there's gonna be about $100 I need to do some creative accounting with and there is still one student who sees intent on just not owning up to her mistake? Like at least the other three have said it was some sort of mistake and agreed to pay me back. But like, wtf is wrong with people.

Also this kind of high social energy activity means I don't fall asleep until 2am and then have nasty real-feeling dreams of things going even more wrong and then wake up and repeat. This after a weekend down with family and... it's like week 10 of semester and I am just spent.

Also I have almost-finished porn I would like to get posted.

But I'm still doing pick-up assessment today and have class tomorrow at 9am and for some dumb reason I'm taking my lab group to the art gallery tonight because it's free. I'm just... tired.

[wheretheyrot]

A thing about missing bad people

Good versions of shitty people still exist in my head.

Somewhere in there, there's still a blonde boy who likes drawing, and we're laying on his trampoline, face towards the setting sun.

It's late summer, and I'm covered in mosquito bites and he in grass stains. Our hair smells of chlorine, and we're scared to grow up.

He tells me he doesn't think his step-father likes him very much, we watch the man in question slam his truck door and scream for us. I agree.

Then we're in a bakery, it's cold and our noses are red like Rudolph's. We're warming our hands in the warm, delicious air, and in my fist is a handful of loonies to but two frosted cinnamon buns. He's my best friend.

I would come out to him a month later, and he'd drop me, but sometimes we're still on that trampoline.

And there's a boy with fried hair, and we're laughing under the covers late at nigh.

3:00 a.m. blinks brightly from my phone, and my eyes sting with exhaustion that I'll feel tomorrow morning. His voice is laggy through the speaker, and every few seconds I pause, listening for my mother.

Next, we're on call, he's in his bathroom putting on various ugly wigs. I'm cackling as he pretends to be a white lady named Susan, complaining about brunch tomorrow.

I loved him, but not enough to let him keep hurting me, but sometimes he's still Susan.

There's still a girl driving an ATV, revving the thing up as fast as it goes, and my arms are spread wide as we speed through a field.

I tell her it feels like flying, and she laughs and agrees. Back then, we were the only fat girls in the whole 8th grade, but we had each other.

She hasn't called me slurs yet, and we both say the other is beautiful. I smack a boy for her, she shows me her pets.

Ignorance and bigotry is a sad, dangerous weapon that took he away, but sometimes we're still on that ATV.

At last, there's still the boys I grew up with. Caked in dirt, laughing, chasing after me, playing hide and seek in the woods behind school.

They still walk with me to classes, poking me mid-test to tell me a joke, scaring me during lockdowns. We are inseparable, and I don't yet have curves and they don't yet have deep voices and face hair.

Sometimes when I'm sad, or lonely, or tired, I go visit those versions, just for a moment.

They aren't real anymore, but I like to think my memories are little pockets of alternate realities or timelines where things stay the same forever, and the sun still makes me warm.

[conkreetmonkey]

(heavy academic vent post, don't read if you're not in the mood. I don't want to bring anyone's vibe down. Minors pls don't read!)

So last night I found out that I missed an important assignment that's probably going to cost me a credit. I previously missed one, which was no biggie because it was only worth 15%, but this one was worth 20%. It doesn't seem like a big deal until it's taken into consideration that the final exam, taking place tomorrow, is worth a whopping 40% of the final grade, so even if I absolutely ace the exam, which I probably won't because I'm only human, the highest possible mark I can get is 65%, which I probably won't because the 15% assignment was marked by the unseen hardass TA who the teacher has had to keep reigned in because they don't even look at the assignment rubric and just go absolutely feral, docking marks for things the teacher explicitly told us to do and needing to be corrected on it.

(btw, the outstanding 10% is the stupid online discussion posts that I have not done for any class because I would honestly rather tear out all my toenails with a pair of pliers than subject myself to that. 2020 gave me a stress response to that shit. It feels like the academic equivalent of being forced to do a dance by a Walmart manager)

Since I bombed almost every class last year, my parents have told me I need to pass every class this year or they will withdraw financial support, something I totally agree is fair because I wasted so, so much tuition and residence money on pretty much zilch. The thing is, until last night, I thought I was passing. My father has withdrawn the money from my college fund and will soon be paying for my next semester (I paid for the first). Due to this, I am going to have to tell them I may fail a course and they should hold on to the money. They're probably going to be very, very mad. It's going to ruin an entire evening and it will cement me as the disappointing formerly gifted child for the foreseeable future.

The thing is, I can't tell them tonight like I've been steeling myself for because they've decided we're putting up the stupid Christmas tree. They're tidying the house for the obligatory happy family photo ops, as if we all haven't had a bad year for reasons too private to describe. So now I have to get tidied up and pretend to be a cheerful little clam for the phone camera, knowing I have to get up at 8:00 tomorrow to get fucking slaughtered by multiple exams, drag myself home, and tell my parents that I've failed them yet again. Putting up the tree at all just feels cynically bittersweet at this point. The youngest child has grown out of Santa, but we all have to keep up the act out of pure obligation to a tradition originating in happier times. While tidying, my mom threw out a houseplant I got her for mother's day, and it stung more than I'd like to admit. She claimed it was "pretty much" dead, but we all know it wasn't. She threw it out with a perfectly good pot attached. Basically, she's in one of those Mom Moods, where she leeches vibe arsenic into the air, making the rest of the day feel like walking on napalm-filled eggshells.

I feel trapped, and I'm tortured by the knowledge that I brought this on myself by forgetting about an assignment. I hate school so goddamn much, but I need to keep forcing myself through because a) I'll never survive in this economy otherwise, and b) if I don't use the rare oppourtunity of being able to attend university as a guy in a first-world country, I'll feel like an ungrateful POS for the rest of my life. I still feel like I should be forcing myself to become a doctor even though I don't want to and it's not expected of me, just because it's the "correct" thing to do. Instead, I'm shooting for a worthless bachelors of English that I don't even want just because if I'm not in uni I'll be obligated to work a shitty factory job until my bones crack to make up for it. No matter which way I go, I'm either miserable or a disappointment, and surviving outside of this house is impossible no matter what I do because this country's economy is collapsing in on itself. Even with my low-value degree, I'd be barely scraping by. I don't want any university degree. I hate university while studying something I like. Getting a valuable degree like business administration or bookkeeping would be like chewing glass. It's probably not even feasible if I couldn't manage this.

No matter which way I go, I'm trapped. I'm miserable in school, but making a living without a valuable degree in this country is impossible. No matter what I do, I'll be living in my parents' basement for at least the next 3-5 years because the rent in this town is absurd, so living somewhere else would mean full-time min wage employment with at least 2 roommates, and I'd be counting individual dollars at the Walmart checkout with no real prospect of saving.

I want to sprint away from my life screaming and start over, but that would be a death sentence. My only option is school and I hate it and I know I can do it but I have so much executive dysfunction that it feels like climbing Mt. Everest, as does doing much of anything aside from sleeping. My antidepressants aren't cutting it anymore. There's no way I couldn't be depressed in these circumstances, where I'm surrounded by options and they're all shit sandwiches. I doubt therapy or upping my prozac dosage would even help. The problem is the crushing pressure and lack of non-miserable prospects. No matter what I do, the next 5 or even 10 years of my life are set to be a miserable slog. There's no escape.

I wish I could run, but where could I go? It's just as bad everywhere. You cannot land a non-body-ruining job that allows you to afford rent without a degree anymore, simple as. Because of AI, I couldn't even make money writing/drawing porn anymore, which has been my backup plan since forever. The only way out of this basement is through school, and due to the fuckup that broke the camel's back, I'm probably going to have to put myself through it, all while my parents think less and less of their previously "gifted" child (aka, I was neurodivergent but went undiagnosed and thus had a lonely childhood. People knew and never told me). I want to explode. I wish I could get hit by a car and break all my bones so it wouldn't all be my fault anymore, and I could sue and finally stop worrying about money. I am so close to just pulling an internet scam so I can have enough money to get out of this life. I need out and there's no way out. I need money and there's no way to make money. I'm tired and stressed all the time and I want to scream and I can't even complain about it because I'm technically priveliged. I should be happy that I get to go to school because this is the best there is. I hate living in this world. I want to escape but I can't. I'm a rat in a cage.

[arch-whatscanon]

@snaptwice asked : Meta + Emma and losing her family @thrillor asked : [META] + emma & starting a family

i'm combining both of these metas into one because they're really connected along the same path, and i feel like bringing up one brings up the other down the road. so, bre and sof, i hope you don't mind sharing for a hot sec.

loss is something that's been a part of emma's life for as long as she can remember. it started small, as many kids' do, with little pets. a goldfish that lived its good little life. a hamster that "ran away." those are the kind of losses that last a few days and then you move forward. but the shell shaking loss, the kind of loss that emma is still grieving and processing, hit her at an age that is far too young to ever should.

emma was eight when she lost her parents. and the phrase is absolutely right - you are never promised tomorrow. hell, she knows you aren't promised the next hour after that. it had been a completely boring and mundane day in the perkins household. emma and jane had spent most of it in the backyard - emma climbing the old oak tree and jane reading a book on the perch for the slide of their swingset their dad had built while ben, the aforementioned father, mowed the lawn with the shitty push mower that he was always tinkering with but never refused to give up. she remembers that her mom brought them all lemonade an hour before they went inside and enjoyed what would be one last meal together - her mom's crockpot ham, mashed potatoes, and broccoli. emma's not much of a cook, by any means, but that's one meal she'll whip together in a time where the grief is a little too loud.

that night, after dinner was finished, baths were taken, and everyone was nestled in their beds, something must have popped in the breaker box. that's what the fire investigator later ruled, at least. emma still remembers holding onto her dad's hand as he guided them through a curtain of smoke that causing her eye and lungs to burn. she remembers her dad letting go of her hand once they reached the sidewalk out front, and how she yelled for him when he promised he'd be right back and disappeared into the house to get their mom. she remembered standing there beside jane, shivering in her power rangers pajama set before she heard a loud crash as the house caved in and the flames grew angrier.

she spent several years after that trying to numb her thoughts. she found that in growing weed, and in turn, found a passion for growing her own versus buying whatever the hell was on the streets. and she was good at it. it got her in trouble at school once, but she never stopped growing weed in her closet and never stopped dreaming about buying herself a big enough patch of land to not have to hunch over these plants every day.

the second she graduated, she knew she wasn't going immediately to college. she packed her bags and ended up in guatemala, where she worked on a few farms and taught english to the occupants in turn for rent and food. she loved guatemala, but she was also pushing away the realities at home. jane called her about her engagement to tom. she congratulated her. she called about holidays. ah, sorry. not gonna be able to fly home this time. she called about the wedding. her pregnancy. tim's birth. emma missed every milestone in her big sister's life because running away from it was easier than facing the grief that emma never healthily processed.

and then one day, tom was calling her, his voice blank and (understandably) bitter. jane's dead.

the news was enough to turn emma's world upside down. she finally booked her ticket home and was back in the place that had taken one last thing from her. she had never felt more lonely in her life . . . but she couldn't find herself leaving. so, she enrolled in the community college to take some business classes to keep herself busy, and she got a job at beanie's to keep a roof over her head. it wasn't meant to be long-term, but two years later, she was steadily keeping at it.

then, another fear entered emma's life out of nowhere.

ted spankoffski was supposed to just be a fun time kind of guy. she was . . . emotionally fucked, to say the least. maybe emma was fucking cursed. everyone she knew and loved died in horrific, unexpected circumstances, so why should she get attached? it's why she couldn't get attached to paul or any other person she tried to date. but here was ted. long-limbed, foul-mouthed, her cynical soulmate.

someone had entered those broken corners of her heart beyond her control, and it terrifies her. she doesn't know how she can take another loss, but it's due time isn't it? right when she's up, it's time for life to knock her on her ass.

emma loves ted. all of the grief and extra love that's been ripped from her? she pours it into him. she's never considered kids, but with him? dear god, she wants it all. she wants kids and their big farmhouse and the pot farm. and seeing him run around the property with their kids hanging off of him? she's never felt more connected to her mom. she's never missed her parents more, but after thirty years, she feels like she's finally at peace.