#but idk if though its just hes the first male ive actually trusted???

[awkwxrdapple]

.

[dayundying]

can you tell us more about nort please im so curious about him :)

NANA I LOVE YOU YOU ARE MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

Um um ok for starters his name is Nort, obvs! And it is just straight up his name, im sure in character, to Nort his name is meaningful and important but to me? Nort just struck my mind! Im pretty sure it was inspired by Norm from PaF which haha is fitting cause Nort is my owb poster child, robots!!! Haha. Although it also makes me sad because my first fallout oc was named Norman actually... but he wasnt named after norm he was named because he was a normal man ANYWAHS NOT IMPORTANT.

He uses solely he/him and basically ONLY presents masculinely but like ive SOMEWHAT expressed before he feels kind of weird about gender simply because well, human gender is so human and he really hates being human, he does not feel male at all, but defintely not female, im not sure if hed know the term nonbinary but its him and he would be it (nort LOVES transgenderism.)

The topic of how he feels about gender i think is a good segway to whatever he has going on in the sexuality department, i feel like hes defintely had relationships in the past and has and does feel attraction for other people but after the whole getting shot in the head nd getting to affirm his person and ideals he hates himself for feeling that, he hates all of his human desires and needs, he stuffs basically all of his feelings like so far down deep. So what he is with that label??? Agh idk lol. Hed loooooove to be nonbinary but he gives no shit to label anything else

Now! What IS up with his beliefs? Well at first I envisioned him as a avid transhumanist but then when i actually made him my idea for him as a nerd went out the window and he became totally tough and gruff, he still is a transhumanist and believes in it very much, but he is also incredibly survival of the fittest thinking if that makes sense (i want to say he believes in survivalism but i realized the actual definition of it sounds dumb.) I kind of think of it like this: he is incredibly trusting in machines and technology, but due to the wasteland being the way it is, he cant just be a robot like he very much wants to be, he cant have robot arms and put chips in his skin, he has to be the human he was born as, and eat and drink and fight, so yknow, he does.

Idk, hes barely 2 days old, hes still being developed, this stuff IS subject to change

But i am not done!!!

Deciding how my ocs feel about stuff is great, i will never skip out on explaining their opinions on factionsss <3

Hoof, looking them up, i realize theres more factions in nv then i thought there were...Ill get into his opinion on the more minor factions another time cause id TOTES love to, but i think right now the main stuff is supes important!

He LOVES mr house, er like, his politics wise, he sits and nods to everything he says and thinks because he simply completely agrees.

Thinks the ncr are some bunch of cowards, he does have a personal intrigue with how its set up though. Sometimes he daydreams about if he was in charge of all of the ncr, the changes hed make.

He doesnt think an independent new vegas would survive at all and does not support it. He simply believes itd just crumble and cave into itself !

Similar to how he feels about the ncr, he alsp has intrigue with the legion, but hates its lack of progressiveness and movement, i dont think he believes he could save it, just one of those things hell certain will just blow away into the sands of nevada, as weird history of that one time that happened.

[zinnia-the-rabbit]

    Bakudeku oneshot: "I'll love you for a thousand years." "And I'll love you for a thousand more"

Uh,idk what this au is called.. probably soulmate au???? Idk,man. I found the concept on twitter and I needed to write about it.

Pretty long story because I'm so invested in this au. It makes me happy and sad and i love it so much. I hope you guys do to!

💮Fluff💮

🔞 smutty implications🔞, but nothing actually happens.

Sad ending, trust me. I teared up,and I'm the one writing it. I had it all planned out and I still wasn't ready. So, good luck.

Summary: The gods cursed our little wonder duo. They are soulmates,but in every lifetime that they find each other, the gods separates them. Basically-

Enjoy!!!!

🧡💚🧡💚🧡💚🧡💚🧡💚🧡💚🧡💚🧡💚

Third person bc I wasn't bothered to write in first person today)

    No matter how many times they've met, they are always taken from each other,no matter what. They always fell in love, and it always pained them when they were forced apart.

    The first time it happened was thousands of years ago, back when dragons roamed and knights saved princesses from the evil clutches of their wicked mother.

    A time when fairies and nymphs danced around deep in the forest,hidden away from the unforgiving eyes of the humans who wanted nothing more then to captures and sell them for profit.

    This, is where we meet our our beloved boys.

    Katsuki had stolen from a mighty god's shrine, taking some of the offerings to give as his own to a certain little witch, wishing to finally win the greenette over.

    He never believed in the gods. No,they were just stories made to scare children straight. Make sure they followed all the rules to a 'T'.

    Well,not Katsuki.

    He thought of himself as a god, really. Tall, strong,fierce  red eyes that could kill a bear with a single,deadly gaze that was as sharp as a dagger. He was the perfect picture of godly.

    "If you don't get off your high horse and show our gods some respect,they will surely smite you!" ,His mother would scold him, smacking the side of his head with a bruising force.

    He would only scoff in annoyance, and go about his way.

    Silly,silly little Katsuki..he didn't know the gods were watching,and were most certainly unpleased with his disrespectful behavior.

    Katsuki stepped over yet another large root that descended out of the mossy,wet earth below his feet. He kept his bag of offerings slung over his shoulder, grip tight just in case some fairies tried to steal the bag. The little sparkly pests.

    He had grabbed anything he could without getting caught; rich herbs good for creating spells, jewelery lined the only the most expensive stones, rubies,perls, diamonds, emeralds.

    He took several of the finest cloaks he could find. Some velvet and lined lined with the fluffy coat of a grey wolf. Some silk with flowers beautifully sewn into the comforting fabric.

    He had a smaller bag attached to his belt, just next to the sheath in which his sword was placed neatly and securely.

    This bag was filled with food, sweet things for the smaller,green haired male. Honey buns, cinnamon rolls, many, many handfuls of green tea mochi that he knew the witch loved more then life itself. He grabbed moon pies, macaroons, super cubes, and a couple of regular little meat buns.bHe even made sure to get at least two or three of those adorable little tudor cheesecakes.

    Did I mention this man was head over heels for our little Izuku?

    He was soon standing in front of a small cottage, smiling as he could see little puffs of grey and white smoke erupting from the chimney.

    The witch was home.

    Good.

    He walked up to the old mahogany door and knocked firmly, yet gentle,in a way.

    This cottage was old, you could tell from miles away. Long winding vines overtook an entire wall, and,in the spring, would bloom with small flowers.There were sprouts of plants peeking their way through the small cracks in the roof,and he had half a nerve to climb up and pull them out. But, Izu liked them,so he wouldn't. It's not like the roof leaked anyway, which amazed him, really.

    Some of the stones that made up the comforting little home were chipped,and others had chunks missing from the years spent unprotected from mother nature's rath. He still loved it all, though. This was like his second home.

    The door slowly creeked open and a head full of green, unruly culrs poked its way out of the safety of the home, big emerald eyes meeting Katsuki's ruby ones.

    "Kacchan!", The little witch smiled, swinging the door open and running into the taller males arms.

    "Hey,there my darling little spell caster. I brought you some things.", Katsuki hummed, smiling warmly.

    Izuku pulled away, looking at him sceptically.

    "Are you still trying to court me?", He asked leading the man inside.

    He was very much aware that the blond liked him, and he felt the same..he just wanted to tease and reject him just to get on his nerves.

    It was a fun little game they liked to play...Cat and mouse,if you will.

    The blond just chuckled, pulling the door closed.

    He could tell the little witch had been busy before he had arrived. His large black cauldron was hanging over a live fire and filled with a purplish blue liquid that was bubbling quietly.

    It smelled of lavender and citrus, maybe from a-

    He was quickly shook from his thoughts as the greenette bent down to pick up a few loose papers from the floor before standing up straight and placing them on his desk.

    Damn..

    He was always getting distracted by those wide hips whenever the witch was around, and he just couldn't help it. Katsuki wanted nothing more than to grab at his slim waist and grip his green culrs tightly, as he bent him over his desk and mark up his neck.

    He thought about that often.. maybe too often..While he's at it,he could probably convince Izuku to bounce on his-

    "Kacchan? Hellloooo?" A sweet little voice snaps him out of his little day dream and he has to look down to see the small male standing right in front of him.

     "Did you hear a word I just said?" Izuku huffed, crossing his arms.

    Katsuki almost zoned out again when he saw the little heart shaped freckle that was delicately placed on Izu's right cheek that he just loved so much.

    "Uh,no, sorry. I was trying to figure out what that other smell is. I can only pinpoint lavender,and I think orange?" Katsuki tilted his head to the side.

    "Well, you'd be correct." Izuku had hummed, smiling, "Ive been trying to change up a few potions and make them smell lovely so anyone who passed by won't know they are potions."

    Katsuki let out a small hum back before walking into the kitchen and setting the bags on the nice wooden table. Izuku followed behind him, humming.

    The blond man opened one of the bags and pulled out a necklace, carefully putting it around the smaller's neck gently. He kissed the greenette's forehead gently,which caused him to blush deeply.

    "You're adorable." Katsuki smiled.

    They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, Izu sitting on the table and Katsuki standing between his legs, cuddling each other close.

    "I accept.." Izu says gently, nuzzling his nose against the blonds jaw lightly.

    Katsuki paused, looking at him.

    Was...was Izuku finally accepting his feelings...?

    The blond haired male gripped Izu's shoulders and pulled him back, looking him right in his emerald eyes.

    "You do know what you're getting into, right?" Katsuki smirked, grabbing the wide rim of Izuku's pointed, black hat and places it on the table.

    "Of course I do."

    That's all it took for the taller man to lean in and capture the witch's lips in his own in a sickeningly sweet kiss that the greenette happily returned.

    Alas, that fateful kiss was just what the gods needed.

    That moment of pure love is what the gods would use against them.

    They pulled away, and just as Katsuki went to speak the mahogany door slammed open. Izuku gasped and clung to the taller, a fearful expression as several knights rushed inside.

    "So, it was true! There is a witch!" One of them shouted and Katsuki pulled the male in question close.

    "Ah-ha! And the little non-believing thief!" Another exclaimed as the men in the mental armor came twords them.

    How..how had they found them...?

    Katsuki kept his lover held tightly in his arms and growled as a few of the knights pulled them apart forcefully. He thrashed and kicked, trying desperately to get away and protect Izu.

    This wasn't supposed to happen...

    The knights pulled them outside despite their objections and thrashing.

    "O-ow! You're hurting me!" Izuku cried out as he was forced to kneel down.

     Sure enough,there were deep purpling bruises starting to form on his exposed arms,the men holding him way to tightly.

    "Let go of him!" Katsuki growled, but his demand fell on deaf ears.

    The two were facing each other with their wrists bound behind their backs. Izuku had tears rolling down his cheeks and he was shaking.

    This couldn't be real.

    "How did you find us?!" Katsuki shouted, trying to free himself. Our blond boy was beyond pissed.

     "Easy. A little fairy told us." A knight said, amused as a little fairy with spikey black hair, and sharp blue eyes fluttered over. He had deep blue wings and purple markings across his body.

    "D-dabi?!" Izuku gasped out. That little fairy was his friend...well,he was supposed to be.

    "I'm sorry, Izuku.." The tiny raven haired male sighed, acting sad. He smiled widely, though, as a knight handed him a mochi.

    The fairy gave Izu a small part on the head before flying away, humming a little tune. Katsuki couldn't believe his eyes. They little fairy was always around.

    He always helped Izu with his spells. He helped Baku find his way at night with his vibrant blue glow. Then he betrayed them..? That little bitch.

    "This is why I hate fairies! You're nothing but scum!" Katsuki growled, thrashing around violently.

    This was bullshit.

    He's gonna stomp on that fairy.

    He's gonna eat him whole.

    He's gonna tear his little wings off.

    He's gonna-

    "By order of the king, you are both to be put to death."

    Katsuki stilled.

    "Both of you have been proven guilty of several crimes, including witchcraft and stealing from the gods."

    No. Nonono! He just got Izu to be his for real, he..he can't die. They can't die!

    Izuku let out a loud sob at the sound of a sword being pulled from its protective sheath,and the distress in his voice caused Katsuki to tear up.

    "I-izuku, my little spell caster, close you're eyes." Katsuki instructed, leaning forward to rest his forehead against the smaller's. Izuku did as told, letting his eyes flutter shut as he tried to calm his breathing.

    They both couldn't contain a yelp when a tip of a sword touched each of their backs, the duo staring to tremble.

    This couldn't be happening.. This was all too surreal.

  "We aren't heartless,so you may say your goodbyes." One of the men hummed, sounding sincere.

    Katsuki didn't know what to say...how how do you sum up years of love and admiration into a bitter goodbye?

    They opened their eyes to look at each other, Izu giving his lover a smile,a smile that held so many emotions behind it.

    Katsuki gave a small smile back, letting out a broken chuckle. Their last words to each other were those of truth, a promise they'd keep forever.

    Those knights returned to the kingdom with sour faces. They felt bad for having to end the lovers in such a way. They were mad at themselves.

    No matter how many times they meet, Izuku and Katsuki are always tragically separated.

    No matter how many times they fall in love, they can never experience each other too long, because it could all end in the blink of an eye.

    But, no matter what, they always depart from their beloved with the same words tingling their tounges;

"I'll love you for a thousand years."

"And I'll love you for a thousand more"

[bunnykass]

INARIZAKI AS FEELING IVE HAD WITH GUYS IN HIGH SCHOOL

this was supposed to be funny but became very reflective and sorta emotional for me. therapeutic tho😌

TW: mentions of underage n*des, cursing, grammar and spell errors

KITA - the senior in my law class freshman year.

He was country, would wear cowboy boots to class and levi’s (i live in texas). He was a eagle scout. very sweet boy. always brought coffee in those cups to class,and he drove a range rover. i’d share sunflower seeds with him all the time and id make fun of him cause instead of breaking the shell and eating the inside, he’d just eat the shit whole. but like i said he was 18 and I was 14. more of crush we never really did anything, one time though he did argue with me on snapchat about immigration and the annexation of hawaii. He had a brother who was a freshman, and in the beginning of the second seamstress I would flirt with him but again me and never did anything.

OMINI - my freshman english teacher

(tw mentions of sexual assault, grooming, teacher-student relationship)

LMAOO. i had just gotten really into lolita (gross🤮) and so I would literally talk to older guys on the internet (one time i met up with marine even though I was like 15) ANYWAY, so when I started his class i was like damn we about to have a ezra and aria shit. he was super nice to “pretty girls” and “pretty boys” what I mean by that if you weren’t the beauty standard, he was kinda a dick to you. one time he pissed me off though cause he lost a assignment, made me re-do it but only gave me a 70, and i lost interest in him after that. he also accused me of defamation of character because i found his mugshot and was showing everyone.btw he was accused of SEXUAL ASSUALT??? but apparently the mugshot was fake or wasn’t him i don’t remember. he never counted me late or absent tho

ARAN - my best friend

been friends with this kid sense 8th grade. He was in love with this girl though that was leading him on all though out middle school but i really had a crush on him by the time high school started he had gotten over her. when we were freshmen’s he told the whole football team I was a whore cause i wouldn’t send him nudes (i know this sounds bad but i promise it wasn’t plus this was 3-4 years ago) so we didn’t talk to each other till summer going into sophomore year. me and him are still friends and we literally hang out almost every weekend, i love him and he’s loves me. he’s very thing i’d want in a boyfriend but because we’ve been friends for so long doing intimate things with each other like sex seems weird. While we both wish we could be in a relationship we both realstically know it wouldn’t work :(. <3

GINJIMA - my freshmen boyfriend

had fallen in love with me when like school started but like my best friend aran said, i was whoreing’ (not really tho cause i’m still a virgin) so when he asked me to homecoming I was like no. but eventually through out the school year me and him got closer we had like 3 classes together, 2 of them were back to back so we were jus cute like that. my first legit relationship, he was nerdy as hell and the biggest fucking dork. my freshmen year I was what the yt would call a hot cheeto girl and i weighed a lot more back then and he was 6’2-skinny white boy so we fucking looked like glora and melman from madagascar. were like discord moderator and daddy’s kitten shit. he was funny but he was really mean to me and because i was very insecure at the time i lacked setting boundary’s so i’d just take it. he also bought me a roku which i still have today, he was always buying me shit, and i taught him how to take dick pics. he was the first guy that didn’t just like me for my fat tits but i felt like the only way i could keep him around was by oversexualizing myself which ultimate let to him breaking up with me :( honestly no hard feelings though we were both like 15. him an his current girlfriend are so cute, and me and him are cool.

this is a conversation we had a few weeks ago.

SUNA - my yubo boys

my take away from being in highschool is guys do not give a shit about what you look like or how you’re built, unless they’re insecure, and also self-worth. I got on yubo my sophomore year and had it till my junior year. if you don’t know what yubo is its essentially a teen dating app. now i never went to meet these guys irl i have friends who did... and i just want to stay ted bundy would’ve had a field day with these hoes but would engage in online sexting. which ig is illegals cause i was still under 18. at this point in my life i was just so insecure and seeking male validation that i was throwing ass for people over the internet to people i would never meet. this isn’t one person either this is a collective of i don’t even know how many boys. i feel sick thinking about this but i cant take it back and i just have to encourage my sister and potentially future daughters about this.

Miya twins - my tower moments

these two, like the miya twins are very similare but different. I consider them both tower moments because after them two i change completely how i viewed myself and life. if you aren’t familer with tarot the tower card represents sudden and necessary changes usually the situation tends to me negatives and the outcome following is good. these two are also my most recent compared to the other and i’m still dealing with them today which is why i wanted to give a lil intro. idk if yall believe in astrology but those two have gemini in there big 3 and idk i feel like that has a lot to do with our situationship

OSAMU- my theater teachers son

so technically majority of our relationship was middle school but it carried into high school.he was so mean to me up until 8th grade like i said he was my theater teachers son, and he hated her class. at that time his family had so many issues and i think he didn’t have a outlet. my brother had died around the same time so i too was going through shit. while our issues weren’t the same he definitely confined in me a lot and trusted me with so many things, i don’t think a boy/guy ever just laid everything on me like that and it wasn’t in a “be my therapist” kinda way. he fucked up though, we were in musical theater behind the stage in a closet. his mom was just a couple feet away in the audiences teaching class. me and him were talking per usual, and without a warning he put his tongue down in my mouth. and tried putting his hand down my bra. i was so fucking scared i had never been touched like that. it was my first kiss and i didn’t even tell him he could do that to me. i obviously stopped taking to him after that until the summer going into freshman year when we started sending nudes back snd forth. i don’t like to blame people for my problems but i think i began to hyper sexualize myself because of him. when i wouldn’t send him shit he’d block me, ive finally outgrown him as i now my self worth know occasionally i’ll unblock him and hang out with him for fun but it’s nothing serious. he’s stuck on me like tic though and always bring up the fact he kissed me once in 8th grade 🙄

ATSUMU - my “twinflame”

he was a year older then me and i met him on snap chat that should’ve been a red flag. we started by sending nudes but eventually we started to develop feelings however as soon as things got serious he’d pull out. when his relations with other girls wouldn’t work out he’d always come back to me during that time together he’d love bomb me. take me on dates make out with each other in front of hobby lobbies on sunday, my happiness started to depend on if he talked to me or not and this went on forever. by the time quaratine happened he blocked me because he got a girlfriend? idk if that’s why he blocked me but i assumed that eventually he unblocked me because pussy that good. i gave this man so much power over my life that when i took it back i truly learned by self worth. i will never tell this man this but because of all the shit he pulled on me i’m actually confident. i don’t regret meeting him. occasionally he does try to pull his shit on me and i play along with him. i think the reason i can’t let my gemini boys go is because i’m too scared for a relationship but i know that no matter what they’re both their for fun 😌.

[reggie-trying-thier-best]

ive been going though a lot of death note stuff and ive seen a bunch of different ships (which i chill with like all of them idc what you ship)  but one of my favorite that i came across that i had never really though about was Matsuda x L. Now its not my otp and im fully aware that it could never happen in canon and im not here to argue about it either. 

the reason i love it some much is because ive spent like the past week thinking about the Wammy’s kids reaction. And it is wonderful.

(this is like an au where Kira gets caught and like non of the main characters die i haven't worked everything out )

I dont want to get into the logistics of how they find out, but imagine them learning that L is with someone and everyone loses their fucking mind because how. and then they learn its a guy some are a tad surprise but no one really cares and are more mad at themselves for doing some hetronormative bs. so now all this does it lower the possibilities of who it could be.

Now most of the kids of the kids try to find out and either give up or dont want to overstep boundaries except of 3 of them Matt, Mello, and Near. while Mello wanted to find out who it was on his own first they are able to have a truce to find out L’s partner’s identity, because like they really really really want to know. 

i would like to say at this point that the expectations for L’s partner at this point are through the fuck roof like the standards are sets so high L and Kira combined couldn't surpass it even with like the help from god or something.

It takes them month of intense investigation to find out anything and the finally are able to narrow down the suspect list one of those people being Matsuda. Near decided he is the most likely because he is was on the Kira case and is one of the few people to have ever actually net L in person and knew it was L in front of them.

So they focus their investigations on him.

They all think that this man must be intelligence because even if he isn't L’s partner he was on the kira case and every one who was working to catch kira must of had high intelligence right?

so near starts doing throughout research and background checks into this mans life as far as preschool. Matt carefully bugs the place and hides trackers everywhere he could think of. Mello has a different person following him every day. 

Near finds nothing unusual he has a clean record and good grades (i dont think  matsuda was an idiot like he wasn't L or Light smart but he was a detective at a young age and while idk how Japanese law enforcement works i imagine detectives have to be decently intelligent) , but besides him being mark for have excellent marks in the shooting range he found nothing that caught his attention. Near considered that these file were fake or at least tampered with just to protect him from standing out but didn't find evidence of that either. 

Mello was worried the he would notice being followed but he never seemed to notice and even if he saw the guy he would act friendly to them and once strikes up a polite conversation, witch had scared the paid stalker half to death and mello was shocked to see how one he was annoying nice, two didn't seem to see though the guys obvious lying, and three just seemed extremely naive and trusting. Mello didn't find anything that could show he was with L, but he expected this. what he did expect was how unlike the person he imagined. This guy regularly went to work and the gym and in his free time would go on jogs through the park and the shooting range, was very social and helpful to everyone he met . Mello had imagine someone much like the antisocial L not this butterfly. Something mello also noticed but would never admit to was how attractive he was like damn dude got muscles for days. Something he did note was if he ever got asked out by anyone male or female he would politely turn them down and it the person ever got pushy about it he would reveal he was in a relationship with someone else but never gave any details about them, Mello thought was a possible connection because he never saw him with anyone in a romantic fashion, but it could still him just being polite. One final thing he thought was strange was he was sometime a part time manager for the pop star model Misa... which was weird mello thought but whatever. 

Matt’s tracker didn't reveal anything mello didn't already find. the bugs didn't find anything other of the ordinary either. the guy watched TV sometimes and friends over that talked about mundane things and would often tell matsuda he was being annoying. He would sometimes call this girl Misa and they would talk about the most stupid of things. This guys was an idiot Matt though after hacking into his computer and find nothing of interest expect for some sad google searches of things that either everyone should know or at least should be common sense like seriously dude. their were a lot of sweet’s recipes though despite this guy not seeming to ever eat anything sweet. 

Once they got together and talked about their finding they were like no this man could not be him L would never be with someone so stupid, sociable, and well annoying. they were frustrated for wasting so much time and effort and no have to start back for square one. Matt removes the bugs and mello stops stalking the poor man and their investigation continues without a single break in the case.

(Now on L’s side of thing the reason they couldn't find a connection to Matsuda and L is because L is extremely careful to keep Matsuda a secret from anyone that could hurt him or try to use him to get to L. L will be gone for weeks at a time trusting  matsuda to be loyal and  matsuda was because god dammit he would of be a good bf or try to at least. and if they had investigated him a little longer they would of saw he went on a mysteriously paid for vacation to another part of japan and stay in a hotel with a Rue Ryuzaki for about 2 weeks) 

While the boys never give up on their investigation they do have other thing to focus on and while they still tried to find out who L was with the started to focus more of their energy on other things. until on day L invites them all to work on a particular difficult case. not necessarily because he couldn't solve it on his own but because it was suggested to give them a kinda “field training” with L.

And to much of their shock and dismay the only other person with them is the same fucking  matsuda that they had been investigating before.(after a while  matsuda quite the police force and worked and be with L full time) He didn't seem to add much to the the actually investigation but instead acted more like another Watari and did a lot of the physical work of the investigation , like going undercover and actually apprehending the suspect with other officers, things like that. 

At the end of the investigation they almost managed convinced themselves that this is just a coincidence and no way are they together yeah its jut a coincidence. 

that is until the end of the investigation and Matsuda give a like peck on L’s cheek. 

Near, Mello, and Matt while all doing it in different ways 

absolutely freak the fuck out.

[ravens-rambling]

It’s time Thomas stops running

A/N: Hey so I got inspired randomly and wrote this. I’m not even sure if this is cannonly how it went down in the au but I was thinking of Spiderverse’s Peter and how he was scared to have kids with MJ, so he ran. Again not sure if this is something Thomas would actually do or not but idk. Also, I just realized this is my first fic with the perspective of Thomas! Would you look at that! Hopefully, I got MJ’s character right XD 

Spiderverse Au belongs to @sugarglider9603 and @ask-spiderverse-virgil

summary: Thomas ran. He's run before and now he’s doing it again. He can’t help it, but last time...last time it ended a friendship. A relationship. And now he’s worried that once again he’ll ruin it. Can one of his sons calm him down enough to face his fears? Or will he run until he can’t run anymore... and find that once again he is alone? 

WC: 2,49

ships: uuhhh idk what the ship name for Thomas and MJ is so yeah, Platonic LAMP, mentions of RED 

warnings: Crying, hurt/comfort, mentions of anxiety attacks, mentions of breakup, 

Tag List: @punsterterry @frostedlover @stormcrawler75 @mutechild @mycatshuman @panicattheeverywhere15 @thewinterbookqueen @analogical-mess   @saddestlittlebabe

Oh, he screwed up, he screwed up badly. Now he’s screwed up a lot of things in his life. Let’s…not go down that gigantic list. The point is right here, right now, he messed up. And he’s not sure if he can fix it this time.

It’s been an issue for a while now if he had to be honest. It’s why his previous boyfriend broke up with him really. But recently it was brought up again and he’s not ready to face it yet again. He’s just not. Sure he has more of a support group going for him this time. But that just means there is more on the line.

More to be scared about. More to worry.

What is the thing he’s oh so worried about?

MJ wants to have a kid.

Now, now, he knows what you’re thinking. Oh, won’t that be good? That would mean taking it to the next step right? MJ loves you that much that he wants to share the love you two have.

That’s not the point.

The point is…is that he’s Spiderman. He’s a hero.

Which means he has a lot of villains that would love to hurt him and anybody he cares about. Also…hes not sure he’s ready for that.

If he had to be honest with himself…he's scared. Scared that he won’t make a good father. Scared that he screwed it up and hurts the kid or MJ, even more than he has right now of course. Scared that this kid would be dragged into his problems. Scared for so so many things.

He’s not sure he can take that on.

Now, of course, he does have well, sort of, four kids now. But he’s trained them well they know how to handle themselves if push comes to shove. But this kid? This kid would be defenseless. This kid won’t know anything about defending itself. MJ, on the other hand, …well he’s MJ he knows full well how to take care of himself. But would he be able to defend their kid if something happens and he can’t get there in time?

He’s not sure…

Now he is not doubting MJ at all. He is strong. Stronger than Thomas could ever dream of being. He has dealt with so much over his life that it puts Thomas’s life to shame. That’s not his worry his worry is the fact that his enemies are supervillains which means they have powers.

No matter how strong MJ is he isn’t superpowered strong.

And heaven forbid if something happens to MJ and their kid? Oh… He doesn’t know if he can take it. It would crush him. Worse than losing the kiddos. Worse than losing himself. He just…can't do that. He can’t risk that.

So what did he do? He ran.

Just like the last time this happened. He ran with his tail between his legs and didn’t look back.

Go on you can say it, he knows it, he’s a coward. A coward that is too scared to face the music. A coward who always runs. A coward who can’t even face his emotions. All he does is run. Run from bad guys. Run from love. Run from a slim chance at a happy life for him. Run from a family.

The last guy he was with…didn’t like that. He didn’t like that he ran and kept running. No… He got tired eventually and kissed their relationship goodbye.

That’s what’s gonna happen with the two right? MJ will realize he is tired of running after him, tired of making sacrifices for a guy that’s not worth the trouble, and finally, move on. Maybe it’s for the best… Maybe…this love thing won’t work out, in the end, no matter what he does…

Yeah… Maybe not…

Thomas glanced down to his phone with another sigh, the same ringtone he has for MJ filling the night air. He breathed out as he ran a hand through his hair and looked back out to the city lights, ignoring it.

Eventually, he’ll get tired of chasing after him…

Eventually-

“There you are.”

With dark, tired, almost teary eyes he looked over his shoulder to see the familiar figure of a white dressed teen with his hoodie up… Virgil…

Maybe he’ll get tired of him eventually too, right?

Maybe he’ll realize he isn’t such a good mentor or dad figure… Maybe they all will realize that someday. Cause that’s what he is… A disappointment.

“Dude? Dude, Earth to Thomas.”

Thomas jumped as he blinked and suddenly Virgil was a lot closer than before but he still kept his distance, thankfully. Slowly Virgil smiled and walked closer to him, and even more slowly took a seat beside him his feet dangling off the edge.

And with that, he took off his mask letting the hood fall down and looked over to Thomas with a small smile his hair all over the place and a worried look in his dark brown eyes, “What’s up, dad? MJ is pretty worried after you stormed off. Well, actually that’s an understatement more like frantically calling between all our phones and yelling our ears off when we pick up.”

His heart pricked with worry and anger at himself at hearing how frantic MJ is. He’s never like that even when he isn’t home after a few nights…

Yeah… A runner…

“It’s just…” He sighed and looked back towards the city breathing in and out. Virgil was silent as he gathered up his thoughts. Thankfully he didn’t look at him as he did so simply looking out at the city as well. They sat there for a few minutes enjoying the silence. Until Thomas broke it again.

“You know I love you guys right?”

“Yeah? Like kids yes we know.”

“Do… Do you know why I broke it off with my last boyfriend?”

“He wasn’t good enough for you?”

“No… No that wasn’t it… Not at all…”

He took a shaky breath. Guess he’ll have to actually say it. He’s never really talked about this, not to a single soul…

“The reason was…he wanted to have kids… A-And I got scared. I got scared cause I knew the risks and I wasn’t ready. I’m still not…”

“And MJ wanted that? To have kids?”

“Yeah… That’s what he wanted to talk about. He thought we could adopt. Even showed me some pictures of these cute kids from that nice orphanage but it just… I’m still not ready, Virgil. I don’t think I’ll ever be. And that’s not fair for MJ. He deserves better he deserves-”

“Now I’m gonna stop you right there, dad.”

The serious tone of the teen made Thomas whip towards him. He’s never heard Virgil this serious before. And oh boy the spark that went through the kid's eyes. Yep, he’s deadly serious.

“First off, self-deprecation is my thing. Don’t go stealing my thing. Second off, this is MJ. He will understand more than you know trust me, okay? He’s not like the last guy. If you are serious about never wanting kids MJ will never leave you just for that, you got it? MJ isn’t like that and never will be. Third off, who says you won’t be a good dad? I mean you have four teens right? And yes,” He cut off Thomas as he opened his mouth, “with you being a superhero and everything there are even more risks. But honestly… Thomas,” His eyes grew teary at this one and he breathed out.

“You are the best dad anybody can ask for. You are the best boyfriend anybody can ask for. Most importantly,” He paused at this and smiled reaching forward to touch Thomas’s leg, “You are the best friend anybody could ask for.”

Oh… Oh dear…

Before Thomas could even help it or realize what he was doing he started crying hard. Tears tore down his cheeks. And before he could stop himself he lunged at Virgil his arms wrapping around the thin male as he sobbed harshly.

“There, there dad. It’s gonna be alright. Oh and I forgot to mention, this kid, they won’t have just you and MJ protecting them. They will have all four of us, I’m sure even Dolion, Remy, and Emile, will be on their asses if they so much as touch your kid. Understand?”

That made Thomas cry even harder. All his fears all his worries Virgil just presented on the table and he cleared through every one of them. He didn’t know where his son got so intelligent but oh boy was it something. Even he was impressed…

Yeah… He was impressed with his son.

They spent what felt like hours up on that tall building the background of the city and his cries the only thing that filled the air. Virgil holding him the entire time even rocking them gently and playing with Thomas' hair to ground him… Just like what he does during one of Virgil’s attacks…

Until finally his sobs quieted down until it was just hiccups. Very slowly he started breathing back to his normal self again.

“You okay there?”

“Y-Yeah… Sorry for crying on you.”

“Hey, 'tis payback for all the times I’ve cried on you. So we’re good now.”

Thomas chuckled as he drew away from their hug grimacing as he saw all the tears and snot on Virgil’s outfit, “Sorry about that. I’ll do the laundry this time.”

Virgil looked down and chuckled waving his hand, “No, it’s fine dad. I’m serious. Also, your laundry detergent isn’t very good anyways. I’ll take at least three loads to get this out if I leave it to you.”

“Yep… Sounds about right,” He laughed as he wiped his eyes then sighed again.

“Thank you, Virge… For all of that… It meant a lot to me.”

“Yeah, sure whatever. Don’t tell Roman I got all sentimental I’ll never hear the end of it. Now,” He put back on his mask as he stood up. Thomas glanced up to see him extending a hand and though he couldn’t see his lips he could tell he was smiling.

With his own smile, he took it and stood up.

“You have a boyfriend to talk to,” And with that, he did his signature two-fingered wave and ran off the side of the building. Thomas watched as he slingshotted through the night air.

He supposes he does…

With new found energy in his eyes, he put on his mask and started making his way towards MJ's place. Though before he does he's got to make one detour…

Once he got to his door he breathed out a nervous breath. Would MJ be angry at him for just leaving quickly like that? Would he forgive him for just bailing? Oh, maybe this was a mistake… Maybe-

The door opened and his heart skipped a beat as he saw the familiar orange curls and his freckled face, though his heart stopped for a completely other reason when he saw the tear stains going down that same freckled cheeks.

“Thomas! Oh god. I was so worried,” And before Thomas could even take a breath again he was practically tackled to the floor in a hug and his eyes pricked with tears once again, “Don’t ever do that again! I thought you were mad at me! Or worse that you got hurt somewhere since you weren’t answering any of our calls. Oh god were you hurt? Please tell me you weren’t hurt. Oh god-”

“MJ. MJ, I’m fine I promise,” Thomas chuckled.

“Good… Okay… You don’t look like your injured… Yeah…” Now he was backing up from the hug tears still coming down. Then he huffed and smacked his arm playfully and gently.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“For making me worry you selfish little prick! I thought you were angry at me and never coming back. God… Thomas, I thought I would never see you again…”

And if that didn’t break Thomas' heart he didn’t know what would. He felt like his heart was bleeding as he gulped.

“Well… Virgil helped me… And… We have something to discuss… Well, a lot of things but first…” He showed the huge flower bouquet that was hidden behind his back, it was covered with different colors of roses. All the colors of the rainbow. He smiled as he waited for the others reaction as he mumbled, “This is for making you worried. I’m sorry.”

MJ gasped loudly and started crying even harder which caused Thomas to suddenly get worried all over again.

“No, wait! You're not supposed to cry! Why are you crying? Do you not like it? I can return it! I just thought-”

“Shut up you gay disaster and kiss me.”

“Wait what-”

Before he could finish his sentence lips smacked against his with a loud thud noise. Thomas slowly closed his eyes as he wrapped his arms around MJs waist. They leaned into each other as the kiss ticked by. And slowly all the tension and nervousness that engulfed Thomas bones just a moment ago evaporated just like that. MJ wasn’t mad with him.

He came chasing after him…

And just as soon as the kiss started it ended and they both looked at each other their eyes sparkling with energy for each other. And they smiled and giggled.

“Okay, pretty boy get inside so we can talk and so I can put these roses in a vase. I’m sure the neighbors would love to hear more of our little conversation.”

“Yeah… That sounds lovely.”

With that MJ took Thomas free hand and led him inside. They certainly did have a lot to talk about, but Thomas wasn’t as scared or worried about it as before. He felt a certain calm through his body as he stepped into the house and closed the door.

Yeah...He's not running again.

“Did he go in?”

“Yes, Roman, he went in.”

“He did? Yay! I was so worried about him.”

“Yes, Pat you won’t shut up about it. Can we please get out of this bush now? Roman, you are on top of me.”

“Oh, hush nerd. You complain too much.”

“Now now boys don’t argue. Yes, Lo-Lo we can leave now.”

“Thank god.”

As the two teens left one grumbling while the other yelled at him the pastel wearing teen paused in his tracks.

“Virge?”

“Yeah?”

“Nice work. I knew you could do it.”

“Thanks, Pat.”

[mieczyhale]

throwing together some of my recent/ish hc posts/tags for @hellomyguru bc its a thing, babey (i have no idea what you’ve seen and what you havent bc tumblr really just suck like that so lmao)

my tags on this post::  #HELL YEAH HELL YEAH #more pride hcs!!! noice!!#i love these sfm#like klaus always taking part no matter how bad shit is bc HIS PEOPLE!!! and ben trying to punch picketers and homophobes is fucking adorbs#and i would kill (whoop) for the day klaus makes ben corporeal during pride and ben can punch all the people and then disappear#vanya’s is cute. come to the light darling!!#and diego fksgjf okay listen whether one hcs him as bi or not this is 1000% something he’d do either way#he’s supportive!!! and he has lgbtqa+ family!!! and nobody gets to be mean to his family but him!!#see also:: the first year after the apocalypse is avoided five decides to tag along when klaus saying he’s taking dave to#his very first pride. he not only enjoys himself but he learns a lot and either then or over the course of the following weeks figures his#own labels out - bc i hc five as asexual and i just have a thing for klaus being the all knowledgeable one about something for once#and his siblings learning about gender and sexuality from him and maybe discovering something new about themselves along the way!#except luther. he’s a cis hetero and we all know it#but maybe he learns to be a good ally. maybe#i mean probably not but whatever#allison is the only other person in the family who i’d even consider calling straight#bc there’s nothing wrong with being straight and i just.. dont have another label that i think fits her really well#so yeah ive got gender and sexuality hcs for them all flgkscndn happy pride month bitches

my tags on this post:: #’you’re telling me this happens every year?? for a whole month??!’ #actually i need every possible concept of dave experiencing pride month and seeing how far things have come for gays#like rainbow shit everywhere#and of course the legalization of gay marriage#out and proud gay politicians and gay people in positions of power#the amount of support that comes when homophobic shit happens now#homophobia isnt the accepted norm anymore#another thing i like is the concept of - either during pride or just in general - dave being excited to learn about the community as a whole#his boyfriend is a nonbinary pansexual and klaus has explained before what those words mean but dave wants to really understand#we stan a supportive and loving couple#dave has a lot to learn in 2019 but i think this stuff would be the most important and have the most effect on him yknow??#shit isnt perfect but its better and now he can work on getting passed the environment he was raised in#so he can hold klaus’s hand in public and kiss him around other people without panicking and eventually he proposes because HE FUCKING CAN#HE CAN DO THAT. HE CAN JUST.. ASK HIS BOYFRIEND TO MARRY HIM. LEGALLY.#good fucking shit

my tags on this post:: #did you see the state of the sky in the apocalypse?? there’s a chance he really wouldnt have noticed#i mean like yeah it could be a funny plothole#but there could also be reasons for why thats not something he noticed#or idfk man timeline shit#maybe the moon didnt explode the first time around#maybe it did and there’s just another moon somehow some way#maybe he didnt notice bc he was first too scared and then too frenzied and angry probably and then he had shit to focus on and math to do#and then dolores wanted to go on dates to the local wine cellars and flat empty areas that used to be parks and then there was spending days#in the library together like having a girlfriend is a lot of work okay#maybe five just didnt have the time to slowdown and consider things like space#maybe his headspace was too fucked#sometimes you just forget about the moon - i know i do!#so sfgksncjf okay y e ah

my tags on this post:: #YES!!! #yes yes yes #okay #so#everytime someone mentions or even hints at dave having anger issues i wanna fucking cheer bc thats one of my biggest hcs for him#like yeah he’s sweet and gentle and respectful and all that - genuinely a good man - our lil jewish gay#BUT#he did grow up in the 50s and 60s which as op said would have surrounded him with a lot of toxic masculinity. now i dont think he would be#a toxic kind of masculine AT ALL but it definitely would have forced him to hide his emotions and feelings and idk hobbies and of course his#sexuality. and i say hobbies bc there isnt a canon answer for it i dont think but i personally hc dave as being someone who loves art#specifically: drawing. dave keeping a lil sketchbook and some pencils under the pillow on his cot in vietnam?? yes please#so anyway yeah - he wouldnt have really had any good examples of how to properly take care of your anger - although he has enough#heart and common sense to know its really fucking wrong to take it out on women and children and people one is dating WHICH - another hc i#have that ties into this is that somehow his dad found out that he’s gay and beat the crap out of him over it. because unfortunately thats a#thing that happens. so his main male example was an abusive pos. and then he goes to vietnam which is fine because its not like he has#anyone stateside that will miss him - that will talk to him anymore - and its a warzone so there are a lot of ways to work out your anger#and yeah that of course includes bar fights. and he does - usually - try and keep a hold on his anger until he’s away from anyone who might#feel threatened - and he doesnt wanna end up taking out an innocent on accident - but he’s not actually perfect and so sometimes he fails#and it happens around klaus one time and seeing his love’s reaction - the making himself smaller - trying to hide - going quiet and so#clearly afraid - and not just afraid but afraid OF HIM - freezes him to the core where he stands because nobody has ever reacted like that#before. or if they have he never noticed or cared because they didnt matter. but this is klaus. his klaus. who he loves and would never do#anything to hurt him. his klaus who he protects and defends and knows he wants to spend his life with - no matter how impossible it is#he wants to go to klaus and apologize - try to undo the damage done simply by him raising his voice and lashing out - but he doesnt know#what to say or how to say it - he doesnt know what to do with the situation honestly. so he leaves the tent and goes to take his renewed#anger and frustration out on whatever he can find so he can calm down and hopefully get into the right headspace to have whats#no doubt going to be a really hard conversation with his boyfriend. because where do you even start??#but of course they talk it out and dave promises to work on his anger and on how he lets it out and yknow.. its dave so klaus trusts him and#it takes some time - there are some incidents - but dave works hard and learns a lot from klaus - including how to unlearn a lot of shit he#grew up with - and its rough but having a partner from the future who breaks all kinds of barriers definitely helps#so y eah. those are my brief feelings on it and i wanna marry op 

my tags on this post::   #!!!!!!!!!!!! #YES #i adore this post#i could never pinpoint why the introduction on the bus made me feel like That but this is it!!#its just so sweet and innocent - even surrounded by other soldiers in the middle of a warring country#the innocence and unbearable fucking adorableness of their first convo on that bus just… its so bright and lovely it makes everything else disappear#the only thing that matters is the two guys getting to experience that ‘o h’ moment for the first time in their lives bc their childhoods#never let them have that #i assume#bc like op said klaus didnt go to a regular school and he wasnt p much stuck in that house and then he was on the streets so#and for dave like.. i guess he could’ve had that moment in school? but it would’ve been one-sided and he never would have#told anyone. 1960s. gay jewish man. yeah.#they’re each others first (and only) loves and i just really fucking adore that and live off of posts about them 

my tags on this post:: #what if he wasnt dead-dead though???#bc like… the day five found them all dead was apparently the day the apocalypse happened right? so its not like they’d been dead for days#weeks or w.e yknow??#and the time between klaus dying and coming back is varying and undetermined - there’s no canon timing for the length of his deaths#so what if he came back to life??#like okay i know its not really possible in canon bc five buried them i think?? or is that a fanon thing??#i cant remembering #anyway#but still - in general klaus not being permanently dead in the apocalypse is another possibility#and five didnt know about it bc after finding them all he began his 45 year journey#and klaus wakes up alone and essentially has to learn to survive and he doesnt know five was ever there bc..well.. yeah#five is long gone#maybe klaus lives out his days in that wasteland#and he doesnt remember it where five does bc five time traveled back and klaus didnt. the klaus that got stuck in the#apocalypse is a different klaus - like a different timeline. the klaus from ep1 never got stuck in the destroyed future so#he’d have no knowledge or memories of it or anything#or - second thought - he kills himself at some point after waking up and either begs god to let him stay dead or he strikes some kind of#deal with her so he doesnt have to return to whats left of earth#oooo or something happened that put a lock on his powers?? like yknow those cuffs and devices and stuff in stuff in fantasy that freeze the#users abilities?? that’d be an interesting plotpoint bc then like who did it and why and what was the last day really like? yknow#vanya’s meds but More is the idea #just a thought#but anyway idk im just a big fan of klaus with the inability to die and all the possibilities that brings 

my tags on this post::   #i’ve actually never stopped to consider why he didnt notice them except for my v first tua watch-thru#which is odd bc like that seems like a thing one should notice after a few watches??#but w.e #anyway#my only other hc for that part of the episode isnt that klaus didnt notice them bc he’s used to guns#it’s that he didn’t hear them#or that they weren’t loud enough -to him- to register as gunfire initially#bc like one of my close hcs is that he has bad hearing. growing up with people screaming in your ears 24-7 365 can’t exactly be good for#his ears now can it? and with how loud some of them are and how close they can get to him - without touching him - that’s just.. a lot of#fucking volume okay#now add in the academy’s mission alert siren#how loud he listens to his music with headphones on when he’s trying to drown out some REALLY LOUD SCREAMING#and then being near gunfire growing up. those bank robbers had guns and weren’t exactly a big distance away#all the raves and clubs and parties he goes to?? places where music is played so loud the room shakes and you cant hear anything else and#the music itself can be heard from blocks away?? that’s an indeterminable amount of intense noise#and then of course the gunfire of vietnam#so like… boys ears have SUFFERED. whether they wanna acknowledge that in canon or not#so the shooting at the theater - the shooting thats IN the theater - which is large and meant to house sound#thats happening across a big city street from where they’re standing and they’re behind the food truck and if klaus was ordering when it all#started that was just another level of sound and he’s not exactly focused bc everything is awful yknow?? so either it takes him a second to#notice or register it on his own or maybe he doesnt and ben says something?? idk but that’s kinda the field i’ve landed on for that scene#not that im not here for op’s hc!!! bc it really is a good one and it makes sense. im just rambling my own theory here bc i like considering#the Ways for Things sometimes. esp with klaus involved. this does make me wonder tho… if his hearing somehow is -fine- in canon…. h o w?#bc like bitch who tf can take all that and have perfect hearing?? thats gotta be impossible. if they are fine is it related to his powers#somehow?? like.. does his casual passing between life and death all the time mean he doesnt have mortal ear weaknesses? its weird but im..#i’ve got theories. 

my tags on this post:: #probably in the massive fucking pockets of his fluffy coat#see also:: a dealer’s place #a boyfriend’s place#an ex-boyfriend who is also a dealer’s place#a girlfriend’s place #a partner’s place#all ex’s of course bc dave is the only valid romantic relationship#he made friends with the person who owns a nearby thrift store and they help him out#he has a locker at a public place like the ymca#he only has one outfit before returning to the mansion so he has nothing to carry - ever on the move#he thiefs off of people in rehab and crackhouses he stayed in that are dumb enough to leave their shit unattended#when he sees something he likes or he feels its time for an outfit change#he mostly sticks with his lace up pants as far as bottom pieces go bc its much harder to sneak away with skirts#and the kind of crazy pants he likes. there’s only room for one pair of pants for this pan disaster#after returning to the mansion he has access to the funky gay clothes he had managed to aquire before leaving all those years ago#bc like… i kinda hc that he got out of there fast and probably higher than fuck and had nothing packed#have you ever tried to pack while high?? it’s harder than it has any right to be#crack theory:: he had a bag - we just never saw it bc in the beginning he wore it under his floofy coat bc safety and he didnt need it the#rest of the time.#i have a lot of thoughts and headcanony opinions about klaus’s time on the streets so thank u#for giving me a place to dump some of them   

[chimcharstar]

1-50 ho

you got it ho

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED. ive been Purchasing various smelly candles for my gay divination activities, and i have a few nominees. i first thought of the candle i have now, a pink one with a very sweet vanilla smell, i love very sweet smells because it makes me think of candy which i tend to try to fill my inner void with. however im going to go with the first candle i bought, a dark orange one with a citrus smell. citrus scents are my next favourite and specifically this one reminded me of curiously smelling candles at my piano teachers apartment when i was very young. 

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

idk. ive been listening to her lion king stuff lately. dont judge me i needed to hear remixes of lion king music i was lost in that sauce in high school. and i just think shes neat. i dont think she would aggressively make me feel bad about everything, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Look……. i really don’t know???? what is the criteria?? do they need to be like my siblings? dare i criticize my arguably criticizable siblings by picking out my ideal siblings? if i pick an ideal sibling, what does that say about what im lacking in my life? do i pick celebrities i hate so theoretically my family shames them into becoming silent and self-defeating

4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?

50. i think im going to have to figure myself out for a long time, and achieve some personal goals first. thats my excessively confident prediction and PERHAPS educated guess

5. Do you know a hoarder?

nnnnnoooooooo????? not a real, cant function because of hoarding hoarder. i can see in a few family members, including myself, liking to hang onto things that maybe become sentimental/unnecessary clutter but that sounds like something many non-hoarders experience?

6. Can you do a split?

lemme try one sec

NO

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Idk maybe 7? Or 11? i think my parents taught me at a children age and then i started biking for fun like, later, like pre middle school?

8. How many oceans have you swam in?

1. i dont really remember swimming in an ocean but i may have faded childhood memories of salty water and seaweed

9. How many countries have you been to?

2… i went to idaho for a band trip… my dad really doesnt like travelling

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

HAHAHA

NO. ACTUALLY YES. but its funny because the specific brand of christianity we are supposed to be is super pacifist so ive heard. but then i remembered one dude apparently who joined the us military?????? it seemed like it was… an unusual choice. i dont really know anything else about this guy, not even his name

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

🙏 *inhale* buddy. oooooohhffffff i want to say something gender neutral honestly. i dont want to rock the boat being unconventional or something but im just thinking of all those years trying to live up to a feminine name

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

same i guess… why have i never thought about this????? was i preoccupied naming myself.

13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test?

hmmmmm hmmmmm trying to unlock the vault. i think i remember a 1 or a 0 on a math quiz. i think i got 30% or something very very bad (i dont even want to know) on my last english exam, but to be fair, i was having such a bad mental breakdown my professor did an intervention

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

like a very very small child? i was obsessed with the save-ums (?!?!?) for some reason. i would sing the anthem… no. theme song? i dont know. i guess it was catchy and there were lots of fun characters. OHHHH I SEE WHATS WRONG

ITS BECAUSE WE ONLY HAD A TV TILL I WAS LIKE 5 OR SOMETHING. what are you cultured people watching as children? what are the shows? 

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

>:(

My Halloween experience:

i dont even remember i probably had some kind of fairy wings? i think i remember fairy wings. we went to one (1) house. later on, since we werent allowed to go trick-or-treating, we were each allotted a certain amount of candy, and if we ate more than a designated amount per day, we were in trouble and wouldnt be allowed anymore. i do remember getting in trouble for this. i think i stole someones candy. sibling against sibling. finally we were allowed to go trick or treating, i went with my younger brothers and by then, was a teenager and felt too tall and really uncomfortable

LMAO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT LAST TIME WE WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING NOT IN A RURAL AREA, my dad drove us around in a van and watched us like a hawk i believe. it was very tense and methodical.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

i read the harry potter series (I WROTE SIBLIGS LOL) more times than i could count while growing up. i read the first hunger games book and didnt fancy it for whatever reason, and i had an obnoxious twilight-hating phase.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

no

sometimes, though, im really genuinely worried about what accent i do have. im worried i read so much harry potter growing up, it rubbed off on me. when i was a server, people would ask about an unusual accent i apparently had, and once, when i was talking to a super british guy who called me luv at walmart, he was like STOP. WAIT. YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT. and i was like WHAT UHHH BYEBYE AND HE WAS LIKE NO. I HEARD YOU. STOP and i was like that michael jackson meme where he covers his face running away and everyone else in the line was staring

18. Did your mother go to college?

i believe she went to a bible college where people put a grand piano on top of the roof. 

19. Are your grandparents still married?

all of my grandparents are dead.

…. hmmMMMM yow. ok. my grandparents who werent estranged stayed married for as long as either of them were living… however, my OTHER grandparents, i mean the fucking kidnappers, my abuser grandpa… remarried? when he was… really really aging. im judging him for it because i know what kind of person he was.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

I WISH. my parents didnt seem to like that sort of thing (surprise). im interested in it now but… as usual… i feel like its too late, im too old.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

….. i… i thought i did… hes blessed… thats all.

22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?

ಠ_ಠ 

*crickets*

how could you ask me this?

no wait! i went to the waterslides. then, later on, i was never allowed to go to the waterslides.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Spanish. ive been “intending” to learn for a long time, and a lot of people who have been really good influences on me and been genuinely kind to me speak it, id like to learn it

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

grey

one sec

yup thats canadian!

25. Is your father bald?

on the top of his head, yes >:(

26. Do you know triplets?

no?

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

no? what is this straight stuff? i listened to the dramatic titanic song and felt nothing.

28. Have you ever had Indian food?

i guess so, at a friends house! i dont think otherwise ive gone to a restaurant and actually had indian food

29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?

*gazes tearily at my OWN FUCKING OLD WORKPLACE

the food was sO GOOD MAN. IT WAS SO GOOD. im just not saying because despite how stalkable i probably am already, i dont want to be specific

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

no whats that

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)?

w

belong? whats bjs? whats a warehouse for?

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

i decided at one point they would never tell me this and it was no use asking. i do know they almost named my brother a very fusty old fashioned name fitting in with the thomas the tank engine theme 

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

G is the ONLY one i will accept so far.

34. Who’s your favorite person in the world?

:)

i……… hmmmm…. i really dont like picking favourites. each person in my life has a unique relationship with me (even though a lot of them arent very warm, trusting or close). because of unhealthy middle school friendships ive grown an aversion to ranking relationships as if they have material value.

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

rural, i think. i need nature in my life!!! but i also need to be able to have connections to people.

36. Can you whistle?

yes, but not very loudly or accurately

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

no, but ive always wanted a nightlight

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

ive started to, yeah! this morning i made a whole thing with bread and mushrooms and eggs, and coffee, and i ate it outside watching the traffic. im really trying to treat myself nicely you see. its what id do for someone else.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

THAT

BOY

JUICE!

WELCOME TO MY BUILD A BOY WORKSHOP!

SHOTS!SHOTS!SHOTS!

and im really fortunate to be in pretty good health, and have access to things i do need

40. What medical conditions do you have?

I dont think… i actually have any. id say gender dysphoria but i think it was informed consent. (im VERY lucky)

im pretty sure there are SOME mental conditions running around undiagnosed. MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING PROPERLY

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

for myself? once… when i got hives and started swelling up all over, but otherwise was fine. i really wonder what that was. other times was visiting sick/dying relatives which has made me feel sad and apprehensive whenever i enter a hospital or smell the food

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

yes! i had a gerbil named nemo! 

43. Where do you buy your jeans?

D:

i dont … remember … really nowhere special i actually have yet to find some jeans i LOVE. sometimes there is a pair of jeans that sparks joy. i do not have such a pair

44. What’s the last compliment you got?

my sister said my pants looked good on me. they are actually their pants, which they left on the floor in my room for an unknown reason, and they want them back. of course.

but because im excited about it and want to brag, the real compliment was when i made borscht and my sister not only ate it faster than me, but wanted a second helping. and my roommate stuck his face in the steam and said it smelled good. hell yes. i put fucking cilantro in it. fcking beast mode.

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

yes. theyre usually really emotional and symbolic. if ive been talking to my parents, theyre usually nightmares. ive been reading about dream interpretation for a long time to deal with some of the ominous images that can come up

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

red rose reminds me of wheni was little my mom would make really sweet sweet red rose tea for me (thats the kind she drinks all the time) and it brings me those good feelings. otherwise licorice spice really appeald to me for some reason.

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

LMAO UHHH…brb

six. because of social pressure.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

i never thought about this kind of thing…. i really don’t know….. id just want them to know how to be kind to others and themselves and thats literally it. 

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?

i was one of those edgy kids trying to spoil it for everyone. guess what other common fun thing my parents didnt do

50. Why do you have a youtube? 

i dont! so i dont know what this question means! :)

HOLY SHIT I MADE IT THRU HIGH FIVE 

[namuneulbo]

week eight

well monday was valentines day. nothing special happened since im still going hard on my 17th year of being single. i really want a partner. so bad. i wanna be loved. i wanna cuddle someone and give them tiny kisses and hold their hand :( im so touch-starved. im begging atp.

tuesday i had band practice and it went so good but went downhill. or well... it started quite shit then it got good then it got bad again. theres def some stuff to unpack. okay, so, before practice even started i was preparing everything like connecting (is that the right word? i dont think so in this context?) mics and just like getting the entire chain together like instrument-mixing table-speakers. u know? the usual band stuff.

i mightve mentioned this bitch before but basically theres a dude in my band thats racist, homophobic, transphobic etc. all the bad stuff. sadly he was the only bassist available so i had to pick him for my band :( i have the coolest boy there though so at least i dont feel uncomfy all the time but when hes not there it can get quite unpleasant. this nice boy, b, hes really just supportive and idk if hes queer himself since hes in a straight-passing relationship but hes so cool and wears nail polish, skirts and makeup sometimes. hes so cool and hes pretty much a safe space even though i cant really talk to him. i know we share some interests too like certain animes and stuff!

anyways, onto the shitty ugly ew dude. hes, as i mentioned, just a total douchebag and has zero respect for ppl and especially women (he was literally banned from meeting a certain group of girls in school bc he sexually assaulted them. oh boy, trust me i would never in my entire life have this dude in my band if it wasnt my only option.) so as a woman im so fucking terrified of this man.

for context, hes 23. im 17. s e v e n t e e n. so before band practice started, we were the only ones there. he started a convo and asked what i wanna do after high school. i said i dont want to study music anymore and i wanna study korean (which i later on in the week found out isnt the actual major at the uni i wanna go to, its just part of asian studies so now im considering studying that and then studying translation in south korea.) now what does this man say to me?

“will u be a big girl?”

and no, this is not the first time this heavily sweat-smelling incel of a man has said creepy shit to me. a few weeks back he said “l, smack me! ive been a bad boy!” after playing the wrong chord. it made me so icky.

anyways ofc after he dropped this creepy ass comment i just became kind of quiet and mentally prayed for b to arrive so that k, douchbag boy, would stop saying stuff like that. i really wish i had the guts to tell the teachers but all my teachers are male apart from my vocal teacher and im not sure she can do anything about it. im not comfortable talking to my male teachers about that. im confused why the man didnt get expelled and just got banned from talking to hem as if hes not going to target other women. hes disgusting.

anyways once practice started my voice was much better than i expected which made my mood rise a bit but by the last few songs my throat was dry and hurting so there were voice cracks and off notes all over the place.

wednesday was plain.

thursday i skipped school since i found out my classmate who literally had covid like two days before that would be coming to school. sorry but i am not catching that shit. i met up w i and t around 12 and we went to a café. it was quite a short meet-up and once i left i soon left as well after finishing my ice cream. i had three flavors ! after eight, caramel meringue and cappuchino, although i couldve done wo the after eight one. i usually like mint chocolate but it was a tad too minty. cappuchino is my fav ice cream flavor ever though.

friday! i had planned to go to the studio w l but on thursday was asked to hang out w a cool person from school !!! i was so happy bc ive wanted to become friends w this person for so long and they told me she had a friend crush on me and my friend t :( so them and t had planned to hang out on friday (+ their partner). she told me i was allowed to bring ppl along so ofc since i had already planned to hang out w l i asked her if they wanted to hang out w them and she seemed excited about it! it was all good since both parts knew of each other since they were instagram mutuals. sadly, t was exposed to covid on thursday (after we hung out !!!!!! so i wasnt.) so we had to skip the big meet-up and l and i went back to our original plans of going to the studio. as expected, we got absolutely nothing done and struggled to even get everything to work. afterwards we met up w their friends and we went to a burger place. me and l ot proper food while the others seemed to only have had finger foods and desserts. i didnt have time to eat dinner earlier so it was nice to get some food in me and i love when l checks up on me. its such a simple thing but to me it holds so much love.

later we hung out in my schools basement for a while before going home.

saturday! v uneventful during the day but i met up w l and her friends in the evening to watch melodifestivalen. im so sad tribe friday didnt go to finals or semi-finals. they were so cute. the song wasnt my fav but it was my fav out of that weeks songs and the vibe and aghhh i love boys in skirts and makeup who rock its so bae.

today i only played sims, scrolled tiktok and ate cereal. zero regrets.

sotw: yohio - innocence

[theday]

minpuppy day

its 8pm here, and his birthday is almost over. im listening to day6′s stream rn and im ready to type out my essay 4 lmh 

this got so long and its a mess without proper sources whoops!!!!

SO FIRST OF ALL... lee minhyuk!!!!! the kindest boy on earth and also the most extra lmao

tbh i only became a mbb in late august so i was only present for the last 2 ep of mxray but with everything else, i had 2 catch up rip.. i watched the first episode of season 2 first bc im a dumbebe and it was the cafe/nail salon episode ?? yeah. at that point i didnt know any of them and i couldnt recognise anyone except for jooheon bc i started liking jh first i was just super confused with everyone else, minhyuk included. nobody really stood out when i watched it but i still found it extremely funny (mx are so funny every show theyve been on i always laugh its great i love it) was the next episode the party one ?? (nope) i dont remember but i dont think i focused on anyone at that time either but i noticed how minhyuk was so fucking extra with how he would give kh + hw false clues and i was like .. ‘this guy is seriously..’ and when changkyun plotted with them to abandon mh i was cheering for him tbh LOL and i got so scared for ck when minhyuk found out sbwjaiks idk ive never talked about first impression for mxray so im gonna side track a bit (a lot) and?? the way he played everyone and eventually himself (and changkyun) was so funny wtfeksmk we love an idiot?? in the animal episode, i didnt take notice of mh (again) bc he was with jh and i was 2 focused on him poor mh and mary LMAO i think throughout my first watch of mxray i didnt have that much of an impression of minhyuk other than that he is super extra?? watching their older shows like ‘right now’ and the des??koptac??? fk if i know im a fakebebe i think he grew on me more?? 

but the time where he really impacted me and made me fall for him was when i watched no.mercy?? the way he gave the flower to the judge (i lov EHR SO MUCH) (the male judges can ***** x) it really gave me the impression of how sweet minhyuk is?? and i remember when he got second last and he cried i felt so fucking bad? he loves his parents so damn much???? minhyuk is really out here being the best son/friend/group mate?? AND despite that he worked together with the other guy (im so sorry) and they did a wonderful stage?? the way minhyuk lightened the mood after the performance showki gave? that made me really think because people gave minhyuk the title of mood maker you know? and just based on that i could truly see why and after that im so happy minhyuk is with monsta x (ill talk abt this later) and im pretty sure he was the one who lost since it was like a battle (work together with your partner but youre also fighting against them) and i know how they like messed the thing up didnt they? and they told him he won but they announced the wrong name minhyuk didnt even let that get to him? he had the biggest smile on his face even though he lost? i love lee minhyuk so much?? he was happy because he and his team mate managed to show such a good performance and that makes me so proud??? 

it was probably at that point where i really started to see minhyuk as who he is??? he has a lot of sides to him honestly and i dont know all of them but from what i can see minhyuk’s just great?? i was also starting to fall deeper for monsta x as a whole and that meant finding out about past incidents and watching old vlives,, i saw ppl mentioned about how minhyuk would be there for wonho throughout his harder times?? and i watched the video where wonho actually thanks minhyuk (and other members) about that and you can just see how supportive minhyuk is of wonho? hes always there for him and not just wonho, minhyuk’s always with everyone although it is different every era?? he shows so much love to all of his members and its ?? amazing??? minhyuk’s like everybody’s support system and im jsut so!!!!! minhyuk ur doing amazing sweetie :-( 

right now back to the thing i said i said id talk abt later which is now so. i was watching the last ep of no.mercy (where they select who gets 2 debut) and i knew who were gonna debut obviously but it was still so fucking nerve wrecking???? honestly? you could see the shock on minhyuk’s face when he gets chosen as the last member. idk what he was thinking but it really hurts to think that minhyuk probably thought he wouldnt be able to get in? (i also have no idea how no.mercy works and im still a bit skeptical about it, was it all planned? etc.) and just the surprise and disbelief really??? goD ??? mh probably felt really bad about being chosen despite have 2 other suitable ppl next to him i kind of think minhyuk sometimes doubts his abilities??? back on weekly idol too where they asked him how he managed to get in and they (hyungwon?) answered with passion like?? i dont know :-// this whole para is a joke tbh bc of how much i dont trust no.mercy lol so disregard it?????

what i wanted 2 say though was how without minhyuk, i dont think monsta x would be able to be how they are today. as much as i hate to say this, performance & song wise, there wouldnt be much of a difference because of how little lines minhyuk gets (which is understandable, still makes me a tad bit mmMPH) however, the presence on shows would change so much??? minhyuk helps bring out everyones sides on shows? and maybe he doesnt and im just being bloody delusional but i believe that minhyuk plays a super important role whenever mx are on any kind of show because he’s able to ?? i dont know??? he can see whenever one of the members are feeling uncomfortable/not talking enough and he goes to them/asks them stuff im pulling this out of my ass actually ah . i dont fucking know i dont have any sources nd this is all from my shit ass memory so if u do read this and realize how inaccurate it is im sorry but thanks 4 reading lmao 

basically . minhyuk plays an important role in monsta x as more than a vocal but as a person who’s always there for his members 

ANOTHER THING. we all know of when minhyuk speaks english?? like he doesnt have to because theres changkyun but he does it anyway?? again, idk if he does it bc he wants 2 lessen the burden on changkyun (who cant speak english that well - same) or because he wants to connect with more intl fans but its sweet either way?? and its really funny the way he translates stuff too lmao 

i already saw someone else talk about this but its something i noticed too though it didnt really click unitl i saw their post about it,, back on like the radio vlive he would do with kihyun he was always setting goals for the vlive and everything but in the recent vlive with kihyun (again) he assured mbbs that they didnt need to press hearts and that they should focus on the vlive (was this mentioned or assumed???) idk but we can think he probably means that even if it was unspoken.. it really shows how much minhyuk’s grown??? he went from asking for hearts to making sure that mbbs could properly watch the vlive instead?? minhyuk really looks out for others ? when he picked out the stuff kihyun didnt like too??? he didnt even to think twice about doing it he just did it immediately?? minhyuk is so fucking sweet and he just??? thinks about the others ??? always being there for them and everything????

minhyuk is also so sososososo nice to fans? i watched that one video where he gave fans his like towel because they didnt have umbrellas and it was raining/?? yeah sure maybe thats like. basic fan idol stuff but it really says a lot about minhyuk??? he didnt have an umbrella either but he still wanted to make sure they wouldnt get sick????

in these past 2 months, ive learnt that minhyuk is more than extra, hes someone who cares for just about everybody??? he was the last member selected for monsta x but he’s constantly improved himself since then and im so proud of lee minhyuk?? so shoutout to the boy who loves his members and monbebes like theyre his family and shoutout to the boy who loves his family so much. happy birthday lee minhyuk and thank you for being born :-D 

also its 9pm now lmao and day6 are doing their last song im happy this has been fun so bye now 

[skiasurveys]

old myspace surveyyy

1. Last beverage: Iced tea

2. Last phone call: My mom i believe

3. Last song you listened to: Closer- the chainsmokers ft halsey

4. Last time you cried: today 

5. Have you dated someone twice: kind of.  my current boyfriend and i dated before but it was only like  2 weeks and then we didnt date again til 5 months later, and now were still together which has been 15 months. i dont really consider he first time an actual relationship lmao

6. Have you ever been cheated on: Not that I am aware of.

7. Kissed someone & regretted it: eh, my first kiss was awful

8. Have you lost someone special: yeah my dad died.

9. What are your three favorite colors: lilac, cyan, pink

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month: not in the past month

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list: yeah

12. How many kids do you want: none.

13. Do you want any pets: i have two cats

14. Do you want to change your name: yeah i do

15. What did you do for your last birthday: Had dinner with my boyfriends parents, then had a small party with a few friends and my boyfriend, but that was it. Wasnt so lit.

16. What time did you wake up today:  i woke up at 10 am i think

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for: to finally move out

18. Last time you saw your mother: um. like 10 minutes ago lol

19. Most visited webpage: youtube

20. Nicknames: Jen, Babygirl, i dont really have nicknames that much

21. Relationship status: Taken

22. Zodiac sign: Sagittarius 

23. Male or female: female

24. Height: 5′1 

25. Do you have a crush on someone: my boyfriend 

26. Piercings: I got my ears pierced when i was 18 but i took it out apparently too soon and they shut.  I am going to get them redone but im just lazy

27. Tattoos: none as of now

28. Strong or Weak:  physically or emotionally..haha..

FIRSTS

29. First surgery: wisdom teeth

30. First best friend:  Eric or Reis 

31. First sport you joined: softball when i was 7/8

32. First vacation: British columbia when  i was 4/5

33. First school: Joseph welsh 

34. First pair of trainers: If trainers you mean shoes but in a british lingo..uhh i dont know. DC shoes? those ugly fat skater shoes.

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes: eyes

36. Hugs or kisses: honestly both, but idk it depends. sometimes i love hugs because i like feeling him hold me and against me , but kisses are so sweet

37. Shorter or taller: taller

38. Older or younger: older

39. Romantic or spontaneous: both

40. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.

41. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.

42. Shy or outgoing: a bit of both. im really outgoing so in a relationship it doesnt matter for me. but i dont really like people who cant make conversations at all..

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger: I dont think so.

44. Gotten a speeding ticket: No

45. Lost glasses/contacts: i dont wear glasses or contacts

46. Sex on first date: nope. but oral sex yeah.

47. Broken someone’s heart:  i have but whatever.

48. Been arrested: No

49. Have you turned someone down:  yeah but thats cause this dude wouldnt stop trying to date me and the funny part is he didnt even live in the same fucking city as me so idk why he kept trying so hard. I also had a dude back in highschool who i still chat with try to date me but ive turned him down couple of times but he knows now.

50. Fallen for a friend: not really.

51. Moved out of town: no

BELIEVE IN

52. Miracles: ehhh

53. Love at first sight: no. but i mean i know when i first met my boyfriend i was like oh hell yeah. but its not love.

54. Heaven: yeah

55. Santa Claus:  no and never have.

56. Kiss on the first date:  sure. ive done it. idk how you cant believe in a kiss?? lmao

57. Angels:  yeah

58. Yourself: no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no.

60. Been in love with someone you couldn’t be with?: yeah but not “in love”.

61. Ever cheated on somebody: No i am not a cunt.

62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: i would love to relive my first date with Connor, i dont know why. i wouldnt change anything but that day was really awesome.

63. Are you afraid of falling in love: No. 

64. Was your last relationship a mistake?  well i guess, since i am in a different one right? it wasnt a mistake per-say but he was a waste of time. 

65. Do you miss your last relationship? god no.

66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?

connor, the other day <3

67. Have you ever been depressed?  yeah i have depression.

68. Are you insecure? yeah but im getting better.

69. How do you want to die? in my bed, while asleep.

70. Do you bite your nails?  lol i am currently.

71. When was your last physical fight? Ive never really had one.

72. Do you have an attitude? yeah. i can have one.

73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti? twirl if i ever eat it. i hate spaghetti. Connor loves it though..

74. Do you tan a lot? eh no

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving? yeah usually while on a trip

76. Ever made out in a bathroom? yeah.

77. Would you take any of your exes back? Not at all! Barf.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? depends on the time.

79. What are your plans for this weekend? it is the weekend currently, nothing is planned.

80. Do you type fast? yeah

81. Can you spell well?  i think i do.

82: What are you craving right now? nothing actually.

83. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah a few times.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?  yeah my boyfriend lmao

85. What’s irritating you right now? my dry skin atm.

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? yeah.

87. Does somebody love you? yeah my man does. lmao

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car? a few times

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?  milk. white chocolate is nasty

90. Do you have trust issues?  i kind of do.

91. Longest relationship? my one i am in currently which so far is a one year and 3 months

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? i am sure he thinks about me every so often, i mean i sometimes think about them for no reason and not the “i miss you” thinking just like something reminds me of them or whatver. Im sure they think of me sometime. i dont really care lol

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs? yah lol

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no

95. Did you have dream last night?  yeah i dont remember it anymore

96. Have you ever been out of state? yeah

97. Do you play the Wii? eh not anymore. i dont like the wii or the wii u, i tried to like the nintendo products but i am more into Playstation ;)

98. Do you like Chinese food?  i do

99. Are you afraid of the dark?  sometimes

100. Is cheating ever okay? No.

101. What year has been your best? 2015 so far and 2016 wasnt really so bad.

102. Do you believe in true love? yeah i guess

103. Favorite weather? fall weather. where its warm but kind of cloudy, where you can wear whatever you want and you wont be too cold or too warm. 

104. Do you like the snow? NO

105. Do you like the outside? yeah i do.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? yeah i like when connor does

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? yes

108. What makes you happy? cats

109. Ever been to Alaska? no

110. Ever been to Hawaii? no 

111. Do you watch the news? usually like to keep an eye on whats happening with the world. like now.

112. Do you love MTV? no

113. Do you like subway? yeah but its not my fav anymore. but i do crave it randomly

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? no lol were dating.

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well my best friend of the opposite sex is my boyfriend..so...

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz? im bored

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? yeah actually one time my mom and i were shopping and we saw this crazy lady that we know. and so we kept avoiding here while we were grocery shopping and we actually got away lol thank god. she is so annoying. When my dad died she told my mom she had to get rid of his pictures. like mcfuck off.

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yeah a few 

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? connor

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jennifer

121. Ever bought condoms? no. we dont use condoms 

122. Ever gotten pregnant? No. thank god

123. Have you ever slipped on ice? im sure

124 Have you ever missed the bus? yeah

125. Have you left the house without money? i have once. i was working too and on my break i was heading to get food and then i realized i forgot my wallet. -___-

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? no. just weed.

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar? no 

128. Did you ever drink alcohol? yeah of course.

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?  yes. one of my favs

130. Have you ever been overweight? last year i went on medication that made me gain 20 pounds, but i lost all that weight now thank god. I wasnt over weight but i was kind of chubby. Im back to my skinny-self thank god! 

131. Ever been to a wedding? yeah

132. Ever been in a wedding? yeah my cousin got married in 2013 and asked my sister and i to be apart of it. worst idea ever. We werent really apart of it. she had her friends in it and my sister and i were just kind of the side bridemaids..yah weird.

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yeah back when i didnt have an ipad or iphone.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?  i sometimes binge netflix when im with my boyfriend

135. Ever kissed in the rain? no

136. Did you ever shower with someone else? yeah i have with my boyfriend. it was really intimate lol

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?  i have only ever failed the written exam where they ask you all that stupid shit and you have to remember speed and signs. but my actualy drivig test, i passed first try!

138. Ever been outside your home country? yeah to canada

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? yeah we used to drive to vancouver or south BC which would take 13 hours.

140. Ever been to a professional sports game? NO

141. Have you ever broken a bone? no surprisingly i havent. even though i got hit by a car..

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life? no :(

143. Ever get engaged? no

144. Have you ever been on a diet? kind of.

145. Have you ever been on TV? kind of. not really.

146. Ever ridden in a taxi? yeah. with my boyfriend, its really awkward and weird...

147. Ever been to prom? we dont have prom here in canada but we do get dressed up in nice dresses and have dinner and a dance, but not prom. But yeah i did go.

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more? yeah i think 2 days 

149 Have you ever been to a concert? yeah. my first was...Jonas brothers...BARFFF. thanks 12 year old me -.-

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work? i did have a little crush on the security guard. but not a big crush.

151. Have you ever been in a car accident?  i got hit by a car

152. Ever had braces? yeah from 12-14. (gr.6-8)

153. Did you ever learn another language? i tried french. but i cant speak it. i gave up. I wish i could learn something different.

154. Do you wear make-up? yeah. 

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out? yeah when i was 18 i got put completely out and had surgery to get them out.

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself? yeah. 

157. Ever dyed your hair? yeah ive dyed it reddish, darker brown, fire ombre (look it up it was awesome), blonde, ash blonde, blonde with purple tips and then now i just dyed it back to brown which is its natural colour. i like it blonde but im starting to like it back at its natural state.

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes? yeah ive worn my sisters clothes

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance? no

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter? no

161. Ever caught the stove on fire? no

162. Ever meet someone famous? no

163. Ever been on an airplane? yeah i was only on a plane from here (canada) to california and back. but thats it. my first time it was really nerve-racking, but on the way back it was chill. i dont like being that high up lol

164. Ever been on a boat? yeah a few times. its kay

165. Ever broken something expensive? no

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14? no. my first actual kiss wasnt til i was 18..lol

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground? yeah my fucking life.

[drferox]

20 Questions with Dr Ferox #8

My gosh, there’s just so much stuff you vetlings want to know, isn’t there? Well, knowledge is good, so here we go with yet another info dump as I try to answer a big slew of your questions in one hit.

Anonymous said: I sometimes get your patreon emails or an update on your blog while I'm studying/struggling in the wee-hours of the morning (vetmed). I'm in WA, so where-ever you are it's also late/early. What are you doing up in the witching hours?

First of all, I am an AdultTM and as such I am permitted to set by own Bed Time. There are many reasons why you might receive notifications from me so ‘early’.

I have a blog post on queue every morning between 5am and 6am my time (so probably 3am and 4am your time). It goes up automatically, so I can see initial responses before I go to work.

I think Patreon sends its emails at the same time each day, regardless of when I post. I certainly don’t type there early in the morning.

Sometimes I’m on nightshift and can get kinda bored at 3am sometimes.

Sometimes I just can’t sleep, especially with the changing day/night cycles.

Most of the blog runs on queue, honestly. At least three posts a day do.

@banesidhe said: Just happened to discover your blog. Thank you so much for posting like you do (even the snark. I'm a 911 dispatcher, I appreciate the snark ;) ), and sharing your experiences. No vet question, but if you could only ever re/read five books for the rest of your life, which five titles would make your cut?

Ah, I have found many similar people to myself among emergency personnel. There’s a particular combination of gallows humor and wishing people would get to the point that unites us.

For fiction books:

Feral, Kerry Greenwood

The Shepherd’s Crown, Terry Pratchett

Monstrous Regiment, Terry Pratchett

Watership Down, Richard Adam

Good Omens, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman

Hmm, bit of a trend there.

But the work books I couldn’t live without are:

Plumb’s Veterinary Drug Handbook

The 5 minute veterinary consult, Dog and Cat Edition

Ettinger’s Textbook of Internal Medicine, Expert Consult

BSAVA Rabbit Medicine & Surgery Handbook

Small Animal Surgery, Fossum.

Anonymous asked: what was the most exotic/rare patient youve ever had?

This fat meerkat.

Anonymous said: My dog is a shelter dog and we suspect she was abused before we got her (afraid of E V E R Y T H I N G) and weve been slowly working on getting her to at least ignore people we walk past or that enter the house and thats been making progress. But she hates the vet. Hates it. Gets in my lap and refuses to leave. New dogs people and smells. So her normal vet takes the approach of having one of us hold/console her while they do all the poking and listening and whatnot and muzzling her if they need to and just getting it done as quickly as possible. But this last time she saw a new vet and this vet took the approach of hand-feeding her almost an entire bag of treats and called it "stress-eating" and tbh you should have seen the look on my dogs face. She was so weirded out. Shes highly food motivated so it was like heaven to her but she was simultaneously very suspicious. Her face was like"i love this but idk if i trust it" it was great.Have a greatday!

If you an reinforce the behaviour by arranging frequent, short visits to the vet clinic where nothing happens but lots of treats, she may start to associate the vet clinic with positive things (food) ad no scary things. This might make the rest ofher life easier.

Anonymous said: I own fancy rats and just want to put out there to people, that while they are THE MOST amazing tiny friends, in my experience most vets are completely lost when it comes to their care & several I've seen refused to even touch my exceptionally friendly females. They often get respiratory infections requiring antibiotics. One of my friend's females passed away bc nobody would perform a simple surgery on her. So please be cautious when buying them. 

I would like to suggest that any surgery on a rat is likely to be not simple, because they do have particular anesthetic requirements that can make their recovery difficult. Also that a lot of traditional rat medicine hinges on using post mortem examination as a diagnostic tool, which is not useful at all with pet rats.

In dog and cat medicine most of our equipment and even medications are not suitable for rats, or very difficult to adapt. We simply have fewer options, and generally less experience with these species Most vets I know will attempt to treat them, but with a great big disclaimer saying I don’t do this often, and a quick question as to whether you’d prefer to go to a nearby clinic that does see rats more often.

Anonymous said: Hello, I recently took in 3 abandoned kittens and they're covered in fleas. They appear to be 6 weeks old and can't use meds or wash for them. I clean them with vinegar and dish soap and I was wondering if you knew of any other ways to help them since they hate getting wet. I also use a comb but they dislike that as well.

You can use capstar on kittens from 4 weeks of age, and Revolution from 6, probably earlier. Talk to your vet.

Anonymous asked: Strange question but do you know if that rage syndrome thing can happen in cats also? I know a cat who does that and also acts strangely in general at the same time?

It is not documented in cats, however Feline Hyperesthesia Syndrome may present in a similar way.

Anonymous said: Hey doc! I plan on getting my cat fixed soon and I'm worried about how it'll affect her. She's really skittish and prefers to stay in one room, could getting her fixed make it worse?? I guess like what are the possible behavioral effects is what I'm askin? For the qt: ive been here a while i just dont like or reblog stuff but i came for the vet knowledge and stayed for it too, especially the mythical creatures and dog breed info

She is probably not going to have any long term personality changes from being desexed, though might be out of sorts for a few days after the anaesthetic. If anything they tend to be less stressed because they’re not attracting Toms.

Another Anonymous said: My kitten was neutered yesterday and he's doing great, healing well, playing nonstop, remarkably agile despite the e-collar (navigating small spaces, jumping to high places), eating & drinking well. The vet didn't give us any aftercare instructions but I googled it -- and wish I'd done so before the surgery because I could've prepared better. A lot of it seemed obvious in hindsight but nothing I'd have thought of on my own. Do you have a flier or anything for your patients' humans? 

We send our patients home with aftercare instructions. We have a default one that we print for routine surgery like desexing, and a customized one for non-routine procedures.

We also read it out to our clients when they pick up their pet, and point out that all these instructions are written down, because it’s easy to forget details when you’re worried.

Anonymous asked: I have a question! I saw your desexing cats post and thought I might send it to you. I neutered my male cat but he still sprays and tries to roam the neighborhood. I try to keep him inside best I can. Is there a reason this happens?

It may be stress, but you should consult your vet to rule out any underlying urinary tract issue before assuming so. Your vet should be able to discus the various stress reducing techniques, changes and treatments that are available.

Anonymous asked: Whenever my roommate wakes up before me, she makes bacon for breakfast while the coffee is brewing. If she hasn't slept well, her coherence is sometimes a bit... lacking. If our cat happens to demand food, about half the time she ends up giving him a slice of bacon instead of cat food. We only recently figured out that she's been doing this. He's not getting fat, and gets actual cat food later, so is this OK, or do we need to try to figure out how to keep this from happening?

While bacon is certainly digestible, it is not a balanced diet. It would be ideal if you could minimize his bacon habit.

@nowgovanish said: Hello! I have a question about my 13 and 4 year old cats. They seem to have some pretty bad skin reactions to certain foods, and I've tried a lot of different food brands that my vet reccommended. The one that seems to work best is a grain free/ non chicken variant, but I see that you aren't a huge fan of grain free. Is there anything I should change or try sticking with what works?

I have said many times before that if it’s working, keep feeding it.

Novel protein diets, and ideally single proteins source diets, are more use for allergies than just going ‘grain free’.

‘Grain Free’ labelling on food particularly vexes me because it’s not regulated. You can find ‘grain free’ food that really mean ‘corn free’ and either use grain byproducts or straight up use rice. Last time I checked, rice was a grain.

It’s like ‘Hollistic’ - it means nothing on a pet food label. Neither does ‘Organic’, pet food companies do not have to use all organic products in pet food to label the food as organic. These are marketing ploys like ‘all natural’ which are targeting your emotions and don’t mean anything when it comes to the food.

If you’ve come across a novel protein diet, or a minimum ingredient diet, that is beneficial for your cats then stick with it. But recognise what’s marketing and what’s useful.

Anonymous said: I love my dog but he is a complete and total moron. He has strangled himself so often that his bark is now raspy. He even found a way to do it with a harness! We've resorted to jogging when walking him to try and keep up but is there some way to make it better? We've tried letting him learn on his own, pausing when he pulls, and getting a longer leash. If he was much smarter I'd accuse him of being into asphyxiation.

I would suggest that you potentially need to figure out what motivates your dog most. Consider using positive reinforcement to encourage him to heel on the lead, instead of wandering and pulling.

You might also want to consider something like a halti collar, which pulls the dog’s nose downwards to their chest when they pull, instead of something that goes around the neck.

Anonymous: Would you consider it a good generalization that dogs more closely resembling/related to wolves (like huskies) have less health problems? I am aware that no dogs are completely lacking in health problems.  Tax: came for good hard factual analysis.

No. And here’s the thing- all modern dog breeds are equally distant from their wolf-like ancestor, unless they have been recently mixed with wolves again.

Their health problems are different to those dogs with more extreme anatomy, but dogs that look like wolves are not inherently healthier.

@justslowdown said: a book i have discusses the man who created the GSD breed (aka isolated traits from a diverse population) pairing dogs with their daughters, granddaughters, great-granddaughters and onwards til more than 1/2 of the pups had to be culled. due you think this could be partially responsible for the health issues remaining more than a century later? "Very drastic inbreeding was espoused during the formation of the breed [...] to quickly form specific type" - The German Shepherd Dog by Ernest H Hart

Certainly.

This is called line breeding, where the offspring of a ‘perfect’ individual are repeatedly bred back to the same individual generation upon generation to try to recreate it. All you really do is lose genetic diversity very quickly and allow recessive deleterious genes to proliferate in the population.

This is why just about everywhere else that’s not the purebred pet world, this is considered a bad thing to do.

@eyestumblin said: Do you think horses would look significantly different if their wonky anatomy were more logical?

They would no longer be a horse.

@cirque-du-spoon said: I saw you mention sheep on the horse thread and I spent a fair bit of time on a sheep farm in Wales. The head shepherd once told me "sheep are born, they spend the rest of their life trying to die". Then he opened his landrover door, and the passenger footwell was maybe 6 lambs snuggled up to one of his old motherly collies.

The common phrase down here was “The aim in life of a Merino ewe is to die and take fifty of her friends with her.” It’s not really much of an exaggeration.

Anonymous said: I'm intrigued to hear the faults of sheep, lay it on me!

Oh I will. It’s on my list for a big write up.

@queenalia said: Hi! I love the post about why horses make no sense, and I was wondering if you would do a similar one for sheep (one of the most suicidal animals on earth in my opinion)?

It will definitely be done sometime in the next few weeks. As you understand, it’s not  quick answer.

@vulturegeorge said: Hey Dr.F, after reeding your "horses-are-spindily-legged-disasters" post and your comment about how sheep are worse, I was wondering if you wished to elaborate? I am currently working on a heard of 50 random sheep my uni bought with a ton of lung issues ... so it'd be super interesting to me. Question tax: came for the Lucifer story, stayed for all of your amazing advice & opinions. I hope you are finding balance between vetting and living. cheers!

I promise I will elaborate. I can’t leave a cliff hanger like that and not explain... eventually.

[punkscowardschampions]

Carly & Ali

Carly: heard from drew? Carly: long shot Ali: Ha, good one Carls Ali: God no Ali: he's AWOL? Carly: yea Carly: gimme calebs number? Carly: longer shot Ali: 'Course but doubt they're chillin' Ali: and he might act like saying his name invokes him to pop up like a demon but you know Ali: Have you spoken to Meena? Surely he's keeping her in the loop Carly: shes not picking up Carly: to me Carly: same as my mum and dad Ali: That's not like her, she's probably just busy, keep trying Ali: As for your 'rents, where have they gone? And why do you need Drew so urgent? Gah, sorry, so many questions Ali: Just go with this one, are you okay? Carly: ive been trying ages Carly: shes not on spanish time idk why she cant answer Carly: idk wot to do Carly: how do i get it to stop ?? Ali: Spain's only an hour ahead of us anyway, not an excuse Ali: I'm 8 hours ahead and I've managed Ali: get what to stop babe Carly: the crying Carly: i cant think Carly: its all it does Ali: You've had the baby Ali: how long ago? did you go to the hospital? you need to if you haven't, like now Carly: what Carly: why would i go there Carly: its over with Ali: Because you both need to be checked over Ali: its really important Ali: have you birthed the placenta? Is it all out? If not you could die Ali: Never mind if there's anything wrong with the baby Ali: Call a cab and give me your deets, I'll transfer the money now Carly: that alien shit Carly: yea Carly: it screams healthy Ali: that is a good sign but there could be something you're missing, maybe that's why its screaming? better safe than sorry, they're not allowed to ask you about shit unrelated, so if you're high, sober up and then go, yeah? Ali: When did you last do a feed? Have you been able to? They'll show you how, it can be tricky Carly: id scream if i was born here Carly: gonna be stuck Carly: sober up? i need more Carly: shit hurts dont need to tell you Ali: They'll give you stuff at the Hospital Ali: why do you think anyone goes? Ali: and fo free baby gurl! please Carly: i cant Carly: gotta be hear for when my mum rings back Carly: & drew might come Ali: Give me your mums number and I'll tell her where you are Ali: then she can ring the hospital and they'll let you know Ali: I bet Drew has a key, no? Ali: Leave a note Carly: he left it when he went Carly: threw it at me Ali: Oh bab Ali: I'm sorry Ali: but you gotta focus on you Ali: and the baby now Ali: Not him, he knows where you are Ali: I can text him if you want, or try to call Ali: I swear nothing bad will come out of it Carly: but its his Carly: and i am Carly: he should be here Ali: But he isn't Ali: maybe he'll come back but you gotta keep going 'til he does, alright? Carly: i need to find him Ali: Not right now Ali: next step Ali: he's not lost, he doesn't want to be found Ali: i know that's harsh but its the truth Ali: he'll come back when he's ready, alright? Carly: what about me Carly: im not ready Carly: he doesnt care Carly: why should i Ali: he cares about himself Ali: AT LEAST do that Ali: if you can't the baby then the people at the hospital will help with that too Ali: you can't just leave it Ali: boy or girl? Carly: its a girl Carly: another one Carly: hes gonna be mad Ali: I don't think he's salty about not having a male heir babe Ali: If you really won't go...I'll do my best to tell you what I know and I'll send you links Ali: we'll do our best health check and then you've got to try to feed her, yeah? Is that okay? Carly: mad that shes here Carly: i said i wasnt having one Carly: you want me to read? cant hear myself think Ali: But you were Ali: and if you were doing it without protection then he was fully aware it was a possibility Ali: I'll voice memo you then Ali: it'll stop the crying Carly: he says its not his Carly: maybe not Carly: idk Carly: its got blood on it but could look like him when thats gone Ali: He said that to me when it definitely was so kind of his go to Ali: but even if it isn't, doesn't mean he has to be a dick to you about it Ali: Its not right regardless Ali: Especially not when you're alone Carly: how do i make it sleep Carly: im tired Carly: should i sing? Ali: That might help yeah Ali: Skin to skin to, that's comforting Ali: Lemme break down how you feed it, yeah? Hold on Carly: i cant pick it up what if i drop it fuck no Carly: gotta stay where it is Ali: You won't Ali: its your baby, its safer with you than it is on the floor Ali: get a towel, that'll keep it warm and put it to your chest Ali: [Sends 38 sec video] okay, if that's easier this vid shows you how but I'm here to talk you through Carly: all the towels are wet Carly: it can have my tshirt thats warm Ali: Good idea, see Ali: you know what you're doing Ali: you've got this Carly: its too small Carly: i have to put it back down Carly: ill hurt it Carly: fuming about me coming near it Ali: She's just hungry and confused Ali: Understandable, right? Dunno about you but I'd be pretty fucked off too if I'd just been pushed out my nice comfy home of the last 9 months Ali: You'll be her best friend in my time at all Carly: id put it back if i could Carly: whyd you wanna do this 3 times Ali: 'Cos I'm a bossy bitch and I want underlings to do my bidding and I get to tell 'em what to do Ali: speaking of, time for your masterclass Ali: get her and get comfy on the sofa or your bed or wherever is bed Ali: best Carly: k Carly: shes heavy wtf Ali: That's good! You did a good job cooking her then Ali: and if she's a lil chunk, this should be easier Carly: shes small but im sleepy Ali: you can both take a snooze when this is done, usually conks 'em right out Ali: is your tiddy out? Carly: knew you fancied me Ali: you know Ali: getting in there while your defenses are down Carly: im single Carly: you too Ali: Lets do it mama Ali: cutest fam ever? i think so Carly: shes not cute like yours Carly: weird coloured thing Ali: she's probably covered in the gunk and pink from screaming her head off Ali: no ones finest hour i bet she's beautiful Carly: ill get it to take a selfie Ali: yay! get it on the nip 'cos i gotta see my boo too 😍 Ali: line her nose up with your nip, kinda tickle her top lip with it, she should open her mouth wide Ali: then you can shove it in Carly: done that before Carly: weird Carly: [Sends pic of tiny baby Indie] Carly: does she look like him idk Ali: Definitely Ali: Looks a bit like Edie Carly: ill send him the pic Carly: probs should take a better one Carly: how do i look? Ali: Like you've just given birth Ali: so a goddess Ali: but a knackered one Carly: youve got a fetish Carly: cant trust that Ali: me??? Ali: didn't impregnate myself Ali: look at Caleb! Carly: and drew Carly: wont see him Ali: Clearly its his thing too Ali: but he's more about the before than after yeah Ali: he can't stay away forever Ali: he wouldn't leave Meena Carly: youre smart Carly: if i go there he cant avoid me Ali: Exactly Ali: Camp out Ali: Ana will help you with the baby shit if you like Carly: why Carly: she doesnt know me Ali: Because she's a good person Ali: plus she's a social worker, it what she do Ali: and she knows Drew better than most, she raised him Ali: worth a shot Carly: shes not his mum Carly: but she can take this kid Ali: yeah she's better than Ali: is that what you want? Ali: she'll discuss it with you, make sure you both get what's best Carly: im not talking to her Carly: she can take it or not Ali: No one will just take her with no questions asked Carls Ali: for your welfare and the kids Carly: im not answering a social workers questions Ali: They're not entitled to judge you Ali: She won't Ali: and as far as drugs are concerned, if you want to give the baby up then literally none of their business at all after that Ali: and if you did decide to keep her then they work with you Ali: they're not gonna just shop you, it ain't like that Carly: make me go to rehab is how its like Carly: fuck no Ali: They can't make you Ali: there's no point Ali: you can only get sober if that's what you want Carly: my mum and dad'll make me Carly: i know theyre gonna Ali: well, where the fuck are they now? Ali: if they're so concerned about you they'd be here Ali: actually supporting you Carly: theyll come when they find out about her Carly: i never told them Ali: Good, I hope they do Ali: but how did that happen Ali: how could I see and they didn't Ali: or Drew Carly: they dont come back Carly: drew did see thats why he left Ali: yeah but they must talk to you Ali: your mum has obviously been there how did she not clock something being up Ali: and not soon enough in Drew's case Carly: i call them if i need money Carly: they gotta think its why im calling now Ali: When do they call you? Carly: if i call and they didnt pick up Carly: unless theyre busy Ali: I see Ali: how's she doing? done feeding? Carly: sleeping Carly: how are yours? Ali: best feeling ever, right? Ali: much the same, its late here Ali: I'm pulling an all-nighter lowkey, finishing up some work Carly: i miss junie Carly: whatever your on for it gimme some Ali: i'd be creepy and snap him sleeping but no doubt the flash would wake his highness Ali: he misses you too, i'll get him to facetime Carly: aw Carly: go work bitch Carly: i shouldnt kept you this long Ali: don't be daft Ali: queen of multitasking Ali: and not just junie who misses you is it Ali: #massiveLESBIANcrush Carly: my tits are gonna go down Carly: snap me up now Ali: Trying, like Ali: make it facebook official Ali: that'll get the lads attention ey Ali: why else do it Carly: yea Carly: my parents too probs Carly: lapsed catholics Ali: be on the next plane over to get you back on the dick like Ali: i'll get on it #longdistancelesbians Ali: my ex gonna be so mad Carly: mine too Carly: wtf am i gonna do Carly: I dont want him to be an ex Ali: even though he's fucked you over like this? Carly: i fucked him over first Carly: i lied Ali: not really Ali: if anything, you lied to yourself Ali: but you didn't wanna hear it, couldn't Ali: and that makes sense Carly: cant block it out any more Carly: fuck Ali: it gets really real really fast Ali: doesn't it Ali: but you have got this Ali: i've got you, however i can, yeah? Carly: i dont want it to be Carly: i dont want it Carly: i cant do this Ali: okay, that's okay too Ali: but she isn't going to just go Ali: whether it was getting an abortion earlier or what you have to do now Ali: you have to do something Ali: there's no quick fix for it Ali: ana can get you in touch with the right people who will make it as easy as they can for you and her Ali: or my mum Carly: if i leave her she'll get found Carly: why does nobody ever call me back wtf Ali: Yeah but they'll still try to find you Ali: or Drew Ali: and his DNA will be on the system so Ali: and I reckon if they got to him, he'd sell you out Ali: when's the last time you slept? Carly: idk Carly: what day is it Ali: Tuesday Carly: sunday Carly: saturday Carly: idk Ali: fuck girl Ali: you shoulda been banking up on it before Carly: ha Carly: easy fix Carly: need my dealer Ali: not if your gonna be breastfeeding Ali: unless he gonna bring formula too Carly: i can go myself for that Carly: get a car Ali: you getting enough cash in, yeah? Carly: ha no Carly: no student loans for this bitch Ali: you'll have to look into getting help with that Ali: there's funds and shit, i'll find out the info Ali: that or tap Drew up for child maintenance Carly: yea cos hes declaring his earnings Carly: i wish hed talk to me Ali: exactly, bribe him like Ali: he's got a lot to lose Carly: hed never forgive me Carly: i cant Ali: but you can forgive him for all he does? Ali: got it bad honey Carly: yea Carly: its fucked Ali: is there anything he could do to make you stop loving him Carly: idk Carly: why Ali: cos you'd be happier if you didn't Ali: right Ali: like, he treats you like shit Carly: i wasnt happy before Carly: & he hasnt this whole time Carly: it got bad Carly: me too Ali: but you could be Ali: you don't have to give up hope of ever being Ali: and he did for the majority of the time though, that should outweigh the good Carly: with what Carly: this kid Carly: im not you Ali: no Ali: of being happy Ali: with just you Ali: or someone else who treats you better Carly: i dont have a job or friends here and i live in a caravan Carly: not gonna happen Ali: you can get both Ali: you're cool Carly: ha Carly: youre dreaming Carly: fucked the allnighter Ali: i'm not the only one Ali: and why not? Carly: drew says im a junkie Ali: what does he know Ali: and anyway, functioning junkie Ali: shits possible Carly: he knows me Carly: he loved me til i fucked it Ali: you haven't DONE anything Ali: a baby happened to you BOTH Ali: you're both reacting, right or wrong now, whatever Ali: and he probably still does but Ali: love ain't always enough Carly: why are you my friend? Ali: I said, you're cool Ali: funny, smart, nice, you already know i fancy you so no need to kiss arse any more, yeah? Ali: you're SO friendable, babe Carly: shoulda fallen for you Ali: yeah well, the tragedy of being straight and feelings not following logic Ali: sometimes, you gotta fuck feelings tho, do right by yourself Carly: i dont feel anything when he isnt here Carly: nothing happens Carly: cept today Ali: make stuff happen Ali: its only chaos darling Carly: youre not here either Carly: what am i gonna make happen on my own Carly: this shit Carly: idk Ali: what do you wanna make happen Ali: anything, however unlikely you think it is Carly: i want him to come back Carly: my parents too Carly: but none of them are Ali: can't control other people nah but you can do all YOU can to make it happen Ali: what would make him come back? who would he wanna be with? and you can try to talk to your 'rents and tell them what is up...longshot but maybe they don't realise how shitty they're being Carly: they're not Carly: theyre busy Carly: and im not a kid Ali: busy with what? Ali: living it up in spain? Ali: they kept you, you're their kid for life Ali: they don't get to peace at 16, 18 whatever the fuck Carly: they didnt vanish Carly: i know where they are Ali: yeah but they should be here rn Ali: you need them Ali: maybe if you ask, when they answer, they will come back Ali: i'm not slagging on 'em, its just facts Carly: i dont want to go live in spain Carly: fact is theyll try and force me Ali: well, they can't make ya, tell them why you wanna stay here Ali: they could still be supportive Ali: even if they're not physically with you every day like Carly: they wont let me stay for him Ali: okay...make something more parent friendly up then Ali: what they don't know won't hurt 'em Carly: youre so smart Ali: so i've been told Ali: with varying levels of sarcasm Carly: yea Carly: same Ali: You are though Ali: One of the many reasons we get along Carly: youre such a mum Carly: bigging me up like Ali: s'what i do best right Ali: shoulda been a cheerleader, fucking irish schools not letting me shine Carly: thats what schools do best Carly: be shit Ali: true dat Ali: even if my uni is pretty swish Ali: and full of nerds like me Carly: looks it Ali: still, miss the homeland like Carly: switch places Carly: shes crying again what does she want this time Carly: headfuck Ali: think its a bit too early for her to have shat, maybe wee but Ali: probably wanting her next feed Ali: you do it roughly every 2 hours for the first month Carly: ffs Carly: howd you get anything done with 3 of them Ali: ask myself the same question Ali: luckily they're not all on the tit 'cos form an orderly queue lads Carly: not getting my tit out again Ali: its that or formula run to get her to stop crying Carly: i cant put her in the car Carly: she'd fall out Ali: that solves that then honey Ali: get 'em out get 'em out get 'em out Carly: perv Ali: 🤷 Ali: single mum, gotta get my kicks where i can yo Carly: get fucked Carly: not offering Carly: one of the nerds would be up for it Ali: no need to tell me Ali: desperation station Ali: bless 'em Carly: do you go to class with your shoulders and knees out Ali: its boiling here, not even trying to be a shameless hussy Ali: can't be swooning erryday, got places to be, shitty bums to wipe Carly: yea Carly: cant steal that excuse myself Ali: sadly not Ali: can use breastfeeding though Ali: you're just out here feeding ya kid, looking hot as a by-product, fight me world Carly: don't Carly: how is this happening Carly: im looking at her and idk Ali: i can't believe you did it all by yourself Ali: you're a right tough nut Ali: but you don't have to keep doing it alone Carly: but i have to do something Carly: wtf Ali: yeah, keep both of yas alive until you figure out your next step Carly: make it sound simple Ali: 'course Ali: i'll allow you some melodrama but i can't claim hormones as hard Carly: u can Carly: and homesickness Ali: alright, lets have a good sob Carly: this kids done enough Carly: has you beat bitch Ali: rude Ali: already winning fresh out the womb Carly: what you naming it Carly: said you would Ali: you're serious? Carly: idc Ali: probs think on that a bit longer, whether you wanna name her or nah Ali: but my lists be ready don't fret Carly: k

[swearronchanel]

Impromptu post, thoughts during 5.05

I'm so pissed I literally lost an earring at some point today and just realized. So I ripped my dorm room apart looking for it (no luck of course) and now it's 9:30 so I already missed half of the new episode of Jane the Virgin. Also my earrings are from Tiffany's, they were a Christmas gift a couple years ago & I can't afford to replace it😭 whatever you guys don't care about this, I'm so tired but I refuse to fall asleep at 9:30pm because I'll wake up at like 5am. So I decided to watch a random episode of Call The Midwife and share my thoughts.

Ok I'm going with 5.05, since we just saw 6.05 lol, idk If there's any logic but just go with it alright

ah the old credits, I really like the new ones though. Especially the color

"We were moving from a time of guessing.." I love how the show explains & shows that times are changing

The health report! Littt

"I feel a drumroll is in order" Shelagh is so precious!! 💖 I love her Scottish accent && side note I still wish they would mention one day how she got London. It literally does not matter at all but we know next to nothing about her past and im curious ?! More of Shelagh’s past pls

WAIT ONE OF MY FAV SHELAGH LINES IS COMING

"Patrick Turner, GP License to Practice Medicine and Secret Agent Shelagh Turnova save Poplar from ill health and disease!" I LOVE ITTTT😂 ONE OF HER BEST LINES EVER DONT @ ME, her laugh at the end is priceless ah! Shelagh is lowkey funny af she just rarely gets to opportunity and again Laura Main is an actual gem 😍

KEEP FIT

Trixie looking so good😍 i need her to whip my ass back in to shape. i havent worked out in like 3 months yikes

but seriously is this really my train of thoughts if i dont mention how perfect Helen George is?

yea its fuccking cancer, cigs are no joke

lol did they really not notice Tim reading Freud?

Also why did Shelagh ever think smoking cigarettes was a good idea after she freaking had tb? i forgive her though shes my bby💕

phyllis! my mother and hero

oh yea this lady cant read

forgot she was a ex-prostitute

vi and fred doing jumping jacks im dead, theyre a cute couple

Where did frankincense come from??

lol violet didnt wanna give up the bathroom door "we may be married but i still have my dignity"

Mrs Dooly? Is that her name (idk)

I can so see Shelagh delivering her baby herself like this lady did, but obviously she’d know what’s happening. You think Shelagh is going to freak out while giving birth though? hmm  

"I do like a milky brew" WHY IS THAT FUNNY😂😂 I like the Delia & Sister MJ interaction

PHYLLIS TRYING TO RIDE A BIKE IS SYMBOLISM FOR ME TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS SEMESTER #barelymanaging

does laying on a door really help a messed up back?

Those awful sleeves on Delia's uniform *cringe*

"I am not trusted with medical emergencies" I TRUST YOU SISTER MJ💕 lowkey hope the delivery sister MJ is involved in is Shelagh's

If I had to deliver my own baby I'd be freaking the fuck out too, like I'm not Dr Quinn

The Nonnatus Fam all at the table makes me happy😭

Sister Winifred rolling her eyes in the back 😂😂😂

"I'll be washing my hair and reading magazines from now on" yo sister Winifred is growing on me tbh?? Wow lol

"Ive always assumed the results of the male organ to be more rewarding than the organ itself" 😂😭 love sister MJ

Everyone in the convent shook😂 again sister W has the best reactions 😂 dick jokes are 100x funnier when they're made in a convent & 1000x funnier when they're made by a nun

Shelagh's "percussion" on Tim's back I'm dead lmfaoo

I don't remember if she has post partum ?

Fred taking over the shop😂 I miss when Fred used to scam though😭

"I'm missing my monthlys" "monthly whats?" Oh Fred cmon 😂

Tim snatching those cigarettes

Barbara trying to measure this lady😂😂 she's so awkward, love it

She leaves her baby outside smh

"Gosh James knows how to show a chap a nice time"  ANOTHER GREAT SHELAGH LINE😂 give my bby more great lines 😭😂

I LOVE CHEEKY SHELAGH, I LOVE SHELAGH ALL THE TIME EVEN WHEN SHE HAS NO LINES OR IS CRYING AND SAD (WHICH IS TOO OFTEN & WE NEEDA CUT THAT OUT)

Laura Main and Helen George calmly ruined me, I never was like this? How did I end up literally crying every week for fictional characters ??

Shelagh and Patrick's faces were so smug just now I love it

Yikes those lungs

Reminds me of all the gross anti smoking commercials. Also Patrick is shook but I'm not too surprised

I love that Phyllis is so understanding and doesn't judge any patient  💕

"You have the rest of your life to get the hang of it" I NEEDED THAT TOO PHYLLIS THANKS

LMAO FRED "Because hell will freeze over first"

so yes post partum??

Phyllis is annoyed bc she wants to work on her Spanish and babs is taking too long with the dishes 😂😂te querio mucho phyllis

Tim sparking up lol 🚬

Here comes trouble

I wanna rip Patrick's index finger off. Remember that time he wagged his finger and Shelagh and I was ready TO FREAKING FLIP

but yea wtf you knew this would happen Tim

Shelagh's just like "Tim no" I love u Shelagh but what does that do lmao your husband is exploding

"You'll what, light it for me!?" BOYYYY ARE YOU BRAVE KID

If I responded like that my parents would've flipped, there most likely would've been a chancla coming at me  😭😂

But seriously Patrick should know better not to smoke lol

What does Roxanne mean this isn't real??

Aw cute Patrick and Tim moment, and a year later they're getting drunk off one beer and throwing darts into the wall😂

I want to see more of Phyllis with babies aww

Also not really related but I hope Phyllis has some good lines defending the pill when it comes back up. Remember when she had babs shook when she told the story of the soldier she spent a weekend away with😏 imagine her telling the other nurses?

Used to hang out at a Jazz club Patrick?? lol interesting  

damn get that radium treatment man

"The real magic is keeping on when all you want to do is run" Phyllis Fucking Crane spilling the tea as always. How did I not like her once upon a time??

Could Shelagh get any cuter eating biscuits? No she could not

lol biscuits aren't just for fainters!! Ah I don't miss sister Ursula 🙃

that's not your mother😐 (I knew where she was going though but you know I'm gonna say it anyway)

More Shelagh and Phyllis interaction yes pls

How much is a shilling? #ignorantamerican

Fred hiding from the costumers 😂😂

Yes Vi! Defend ur man & kick this rude ass lady out

Lol now Patrick telling other people to quit smoking. Don Draper tried man, it's gonna take u a while 😭

I'm here for the Phyllis and Sister W dynamic (more now that Phyllis is teaching her how to drive 😂)

Ah I love going back to old episodes when I know what happens in the future, also I notice things I didn't notice before and make connections and yea, you catch my drift lmao

"We don't choose to be unloved by those who should love us"💔

we truly don't deserve Phyllis. SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HER MOTHER AND IM CRYING

"Shame will keep us in all kinds of prisons if we let it" 😭😭😭

Patrick has a puppy face rn

Wait they went this long without naming the baby??

omg speaking of that, I really want to know what the gender of baby Turner is going to be and what it will be named😭😭

Vi is precious lol & Fred lifting her is cute. Patrick never lifts Shelagh😂

Aw speaking of my bbys💕💕

So precious it’s almost strange Turner family moment

Why do so many people hate that couch? Like it doesn't bother me or maybe I don't care enough about the background?

Angela has grown so much in a year wow, she looks a lot younger here

lol Shelagh and Patrick are like "um wtf psychology??" 😂

Wait Angela made a noise😂 when will she actually speak??

Haha Shelagh you're going to need new dresses but you don't know yet 😭😂💕 I still can't believe she's having a baby. I Love it.

"You're my world" lol that was so cute but also I still think Tim is too perfect of a child?? what teenager is so pleasant with his parents all the time 😂 plus he's always with them and his baby sister? #givetimalife2k17aka1962

Aww all the cute concluding moments & Vanessa Redgrave saying something profound and we are done.  

[crumpledjournal]

5.2.17

so apparently my school does this program where kids can head out into the woods for a weekend every once in a while and just… talk it out i guess. that was this past weekend, Ma (not my mom, a friend) told me to go. my old history teacher had been plugging for the trip for years, but id never actually gone. never thought id be able to explain wanting to go have a feelings jam with a buncha other kids in the woods to my dad. i didnt really until i came back and recapped a little (honoring the agreement i signed before going to not share anyones story from the trip).

on the one hand, i feel so fucking healthy!!! i feel like i have subsisted for the past year off of nothing but avocado smoothies and kale juice and like i have been doing yoga for 85 hours a day and like i finally met a person or two who i can actually speak my mind to and get more than just a “sure dude.” like, good lord does this feel good

i mean, thats what i told Ge and Di and i genuinely believe it. (both Di and i knew basically nobody other than eachother and we were alone in a sea of strangers for the first few hours.)

dont get me wrong, i feel lots better. i got a lot off of my chest. but there was also a lot left unsaid on my part. out of all the people there (about 90) there were two others who shared that they were genderqueer (and there were only like two other people who brought up the topic at all). one of them i had some p bad experiences with in middle school. the other was a student leader and facilitator of the trip, so Re (the leader) didnt really have a lot of time to talk, and in the discussions Re was mostly asking questions and… well, facilitating. plus, gender came up like once. and Re was not there.

but i was! it was nice to talk a little. i was in a meeting with the school principal about installing gender neutral bathrooms at the school a week or two ago and i talked about that with them, and i told them that being genderqueer goes waywaywayway back and lots of other stuff, i guess. but i didnt say anything about my experiences with being genderqueer, really.

and damn did i want to! idk if yall have picked up on this yet (all none of you) but talking to people about my shit is just so healing for me. thats why i have a public journal! like, talking to equals and feeling heard. i could tell my mom or the school therapist (and i do, often) about my shit and its cool, theyre supportive and shit, but since i started this class ive had no time to keep up old friendships that were based around hanging out. like, were still friends i guess, but… playing minigolf over text is just not the same, man.

there was this thing last night where from like, right after dinner until about 3 in the morning, we talked. people had seven minutes that they could use however they wanted in front of the whole group, and it was just their job to listen. and let me tell you, id been crafting my seven minutes for like, three hours before my name came up. the thing is, i planned like twenty minutes of monologue. i talked about a bunch of the family stuff ive got and that was real cathartic. i also got to talk about my struggles with depression, which was a real common topic. but… ive been thinking about the possibility of myself being a trans girl really, really hard over the past couple of months, and i still havent shared that other than with the people whove read this journal.

which is nobody, other than a couple people browsing tags when i talked about moana a little while ago. i havent told that many people i write this, but. i kinda trusted those who i did to read it i guess.

i dunno. i think im most afraid that im not going to have any healthy girl friendships. i see all these women and girls and they have such supportive relationships with eachother. i see it every day. holy shit, if you havent seen the rage and passion with which girls defend their true friends… Hoo Boy.

and im so worried i wont have that! like. i love being agender, and it’s wonderful to have the ability and the knowledge and the acceptance to be an out nonbinary person and not really have so many problems stemming from that in my life. but i have this fear that that ill be in this purgatory of a questioning period for just long enough that when i finally make up my goddamn mind and trust my conviction enough to come out as a trans girl ill have lost the opportunity to have these wonderful, girl-to-girl relationships. as an agender person i feel like so much of an intruder in these female spaces.

Like, Ha (who I met on the trip) was so wonderful and badass, especially considering the amount of shit shes had to go through. jimminy christmas, shes fucking strong. i try not to gender people here but when the topic is gender itself that kind of context feels crucial… but anyways. she came and sat with me when i was eating lunch alone in the corner and brought a couple other girls and. i mean, some of the body language of the others kind of told me they werent super interested in me being there but… it felt… so good. just to be in a female space, just to be included there for the most part, without cis guys around that i would get lumped with.

but then i think i had a panic attack like, near to immediately after that, because i felt like i was making them incredibly uncomfortable by being an intruder in their female space. and when my female friends were having a hard time during the trip (as often happened) i felt like it wasnt my place to comfort them and that as a natal male i would just make them more uncomfortable and they would doubt their friendship with me because so many guys just take advantage of women when they’re at their lowest emotional state and that’s the last thing i want to be seen as and i tried to hug a few women who were having a really hard time over the course of the trip but i just got this churning in my stomach because i might make it worse if i make them think i just want to hug them so i can feel them aginst my stupid fucking body and if i keep writing this sentence then im going to have another panic attack

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to because despite the number of people who said i could come to them this weekend, nobody else talked about gender shit, and those genderqueer people who i do know have just told me to look into my heart and shit, which doesnt help because thats what ive been trying to do. i feel like i cant talk to women because to them ill just be another guy who’s venting because he feels like he can dump all his emotional shit on the closest woman (especially women i just met on the trip, i couldnt ask them to spend however long it takes out of their day to read this when i just met them). i feel like i cant talk to men because if theyre not transphobic to begin with, they either refuse to talk about emotional shit, or can neither relate to feeling like they wont have any healthy girl-to-girl friendships nor realte to being genderqueer. i know im going to send this little essay to somebody soon because i just need to hear at least one other persons thoughts but i dont know who its going to be

and on top of all of that i keep getting these stomach aches at mealtimes and no other time of day and i dont know if it was the confessions from people with eating disorders or something else but my stomach aches and then i dont eat and then it aches because im hungry until the next meal when it aches again and i cant eat and when youre choosing between not eating or eating and feeling like you want to throw up, do you have an eating disorder already? i dont know anything thats going on with my body and im depressed and i feel so ashamed because there were so many people who had stories that felt so much more real than just a pronoun and a stomach ache and they spent their seven minutes with what seemed like no regrets about not having shared things and here i am writing a fucking dissertation pity paper about myself because i feel like it wasnt enough time to talk about my dumb fucking problems even though what i have aint shit and if i fall into the spiral of ands i legitimately will have a worse panic attack and i dont know who i can comfortably ask to do the fucking weightlifting championship level shit that is required to do the emotional heavy lifting and read bullshit im putting on the page without feeling like im inconveniencing them to the nth degree

so i guess thats where im at

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.