#but id constantly be afraid of her getting caught up in something Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[gorillaxyz]

if i was spider man i would tell my sister immediately

[demxters]

When There Was Me and You-Part 1

jj maybank x reader 

summary: When the reader finally awakens from a coma, JJ Maybank’s world gets turned upside down.

word count: 3.7k 

warnings: swearing, mentions of a car accident (?), descriptions of a panic attack 

series masterlist  

my masterlist  

a/n: i’m so excited to share this with you all! i worked on this all night so i hope you guys enjoy! i’m not sure how long this series will be yet, but i hope to get the next part out soon! 

(not my gif) 

***

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

JJ felt like he was in purgatory. The constant beeping of the heart monitor was currently the only thing giving him hope. It’s been three weeks, 504 hours, 30,240 minutes, and 1,814,400 seconds (he may or may not have begged Pope to do the math) since he’s last heard your voice. His sweaty hand was firmly grasping yours, afraid that if he let go you would slip away. JJ didn’t dare go further than the hospital cafeteria while you were there. The Pogues and your parents had to practically drag him out of there every other day to get him to shower, get a change of clothes, and eat some food. And every time he left, he made sure that whoever was watching you promised to call him for even the slightest change in your state. Because the hospital only allowed one overnight patient to stay with you, your parents were kind enough to give that privilege to JJ. 

“JJ, it’s my turn to take over,” Kie’s voice breaks the unbearable silence. 

He lets out a shaky breath. He goes through this routine every time he has to leave your room, even if it was just to use the restroom. He squeezed your hand, and silently counted to 10 in his head. 

10… 

He places a kiss to your palm. 

9…

Then one on your wrist. 

8… 

Another in your hair, 

7… 

On your forehead,

6… 

The apples of your cheeks, 

5… 

Your chin, 

4… 

The spot behind your ear that you loved so much, 

3… 

And finally your lips. 

2… 

1… 

JJ’s lips leave yours, his tears falling onto your cheeks. He wipes them away and leans his forehead against yours. “I’ll be back before you know it, my love,” he whispers. “I love you.” He turns to face Kiara who’s patiently waiting by the door. “If anything changes, anything at all-” 

“I know, I know. Call you right away,” Kie says. 

JJ nods, walking past Kiara and giving her a hug. He buries his head into her neck and mumbles, “Thank you for being here.” 

At this Kiara feels her eyes begin to water, her heart aching for her two best friends. “Of course,” she whispers to him. 

JJ lets Kiara go and gives you one last look before walking out of the room and into the dimly lit hallway. On his way down the hall, he sees your parents sitting a little ways outside your hospital room with their heads pressed together as they spoke in hushed whispers. 

Your mom notices JJ walking their way and nudges your father who looks up from the catalog in his lap. “JJ,” your mom says, with a small smile. 

“Mrs. Y/L/N, Mr. Y/L/N,” he greets back with a small nod, shoving his hands into the pocket of his shorts, stopping in front of them. 

Your dad stands up and shows the catalog that was in his lap to JJ. “We’re thinking of ordering Y/N a bouquet. Which one do you think she’ll like best? Y/M/N thinks that she’ll like the lilies, but I completely disagree. I think she’ll like roses.”

JJ doesn’t even have to look down at the catalog to know which flowers to get you.“Sunflowers,” he states. “You should get her sunflowers.” 

“That’s an excellent choice JJ,” your mom says. “Are you heading out?” 

“Only for a little while,” JJ says. “Just for a quick shower and a change of clothes. I’ll be back before the nurse’s rounds.” 

Your dad sits down, clearing his throat. “JJ, thank you for being here for us, for her.” 

At your father’s words JJ feels the need to cry once again. He harshly swallows the lump in his throat. He can only bring himself to nod before walking away to his bike in the parking lot. 

As JJ rode home, he couldn’t help but think about the last time he spoke to you. If only he hadn’t let you go. If only he had begged you to stay. But he didn’t. And he has to live with knowing that what happened to you was all his fault. 

_____ 

“JJ, I have to go,” you say with a laugh as the blonde haired boy pulls you back into his chest. 

“Noooo,” he whines. “Just stay with me tonight, please.” He places an arm around your waist and uses his other hand to keep you firm against his chest. 

“You know how my mom gets,” you say with a sigh. You slightly push back on his hand, his grip loosening a bit, and rest your chin on his chest looking up at him. “I promise, tomorrow it’ll be just you and me out on The Pogue. No John B constantly pestering us to keep the PDA to a minimum, no Kie and Pope bickering, and no Sarah constantly bugging us about reapplying sunscreen. Just us.” You give him a quick peck on his chin then move your lips to his. 

JJ immediately reciprocates the action, his lips moving with the familiar rhythm of yours in a kiss that you have both shared a thousand times before. Barely pulling away, JJ mumbles against your lips, “Fine. But promise me you’ll text me when you get home.” He gives you a stern look, one similar to a parent scolding their child. 

“Of course I will.” You knew JJ would be on your ass about it if you didn’t. You unwrap your arms from around his neck and quickly give him one last kiss on his lips. You laugh as he leans forward trying to capture your lips with his once more. You walk backwards towards the front door of the Chateau and blow him a kiss, exaggerating the noise when your palm hits your lips. “I love you!” you say with as much enthusiasm as you can muster. 

“And I love you, baby!” JJ responds back with a laugh, pretending to catch your kiss and stuffing it in his pocket. He watches you go, with the biggest smile on his face, wondering how the hell he got so lucky to have someone like you to love him in his life. 

_____

JJ walks into the Chateau like a man on a mission. The longest he’s ever spent away from the hospital since you were admitted was thirty minutes, and he plans to keep it that way. 

“Hey.” JJ hears John B’s voice say the second he pulls the door to the Chateau open. “How is she?” 

JJ sighs, running a hand through his hair. “The same.” He harshly tugs at the roots of his hair. “The doctor said the wounds on her ribs are healing fine and that he’s confident she’ll wake up within the next week or so.” 

“But you think it’s bullshit,” John B responds before taking a sip from his beer. 

“I don’t know what I think anymore man,” JJ says, his voice wavering. “All I know is that I want her to wake up. I just want everything to go back to the way it was.” JJ’s voice breaks towards the end of his sentence, tears openly streaming down his face, unable to keep it all in anymore. He’s been breaking down more and more as each day passed with your absence. 

“JJ-” John B starts. 

JJ doesn’t give him the opportunity to finish. “I need to go shower.” 

_____ 

JJ fell asleep in the guest room waiting for your text when it happened. The first time his phone rang, he ignored it thinking it was spam. The second time it rang, he declined the call without even opening his eyes. The third time it rang, he forced himself to open his eyes, slightly squinting from the brightness of his screen. The second he read the caller id he knew something was wrong. Your mother never called JJ. The only reason why she had his number was to help him plan your surprise birthday party last year. A sick feeling fills his stomach as he answers the phone. 

“Mrs. Y/L/N?” 

“Oh, thank god,” your mother lets out a sigh of relief. “JJ, it’s Y/N.” 

JJ feels his heart rate quicken in fear. “What’s wrong?” he frantically asks. “Is everything alright?” 

He hears your mother let out a choked sob before she responds. “She got into an accident on the way home,” she releases a shaky breath before continuing. “Some drunk idiot was on the road and…” She trails off letting out another sob. “And he hit her head on. When the paramedics got to the scene, Y/N was unconscious. She’s in the ER right now but we haven’t had any news about her condition.” 

JJ can barely process the words coming from your mother’s mouth. It’s as if his body began moving on autopilot as he tells your mom that he’ll be there as soon as he can. As JJ pulls on his boots, he accidentally knocks into the dresser behind him causing various objects that were sitting on top of it to topple off. “Fuck!” JJ lets out in frustration. 

Hearing the ruckus from the other room, John B is awakened from his slumber and stumbles down the hallway and to JJ’s room. “JJ? What the hell is going on? It’s nearly one in the morning,” John B says with a groan, leaning on the doorframe. 

“It’s Y/N, man. Sh-She got into an accident and she’s at the hospital and-shit!” He says as his foot got caught in one of his loose articles of clothing that was scattered on the floor. 

John B is suddenly wide awake when he hears that you’re in the hospital. He swiftly turns around running back to his room and grabs his car keys off his dresser. 

JJ nearly bumps into John B on his way out of his room and questions, “What are you doing?” 

“Coming with you, of course. You know you can’t drive in this state right?” John B knew just how reckless JJ could be and with your life at stake he knew JJ wasn’t in the right headspace to drive. 

JJ just frantically nods, quickly making his way to John B’s van. Sitting in the passenger’s seat as John B makes his way towards the hospital, JJ couldn’t help but wonder if this was all his fault. If only he had driven you home then maybe you wouldn’t be in the hospital right now. Maybe it would’ve been him who got hit head on instead, and you’d be safe on the passenger’s side. If only he had not taken no for an answer then you’d still be here, safe in his arms where you belonged. 

“Dude, she’s going to be ok,” John B says, feeling the anxiety reeking off of JJ in waves. He noticed that JJ hadn’t stopped bobbing his leg up and down ever since he sat down in the car. 

JJ doesn’t say anything. He just stares out the window, hoping that everything’s going to be ok. 

_____

A series of knocks coming from outside the bathroom snaps JJ out of his thoughts. 

“JJ!” he hears John B hollar. “JJ hurry your ass up! She’s awake!” 

JJ shuts off the water, standing rigidly still for a moment. 

“She’s awake,” John B says, slightly softer. “Y/N’s awake.” 

JJ is out of the shower and changed in record time. He steps out of the bathroom with his hair still dripping, droplets of water visible on his dark blue t-shirt. “Damn it!” JJ says, running out of the Chateau, John B hot on his trail. “I said I’d be there. I promised her I’d be there when she woke up!” He slams his hand into the passenger side door of the van.

“Hey!” John B scolds, standing face to face with JJ. “Calm down, man. What matters right now is that she’s awake. Now get in the van.” 

JJ practically throws himself into the passenger’s seat, his heart racing at the thought of seeing you conscious again. To finally see your y/e/c eyes staring into his and to just be in your presence once more…

_____

“Where is she?” JJ shouts, walking into the ER. He sees your mom standing by the front desk with her arms tightly wrapped around herself. “Mrs. Y/L/N,” he says with a quieter tone. 

Your mom looks up from where she was staring at the floor to meet JJ’s stare. She lets out another sob before walking over to him and engulfing him in a hug, squeezing him tight. 

JJ hesitantly reciprocates the hug. When your mother finally pulls away JJ asks again, “Where is she? Is she ok?” 

She swallows down another sob. “She’s with the doctors right now. There’s no news on her current state. Why don’t you come with me to the waiting room? Y/D/N is there waiting for word on her condition,” your mother says putting a hand on JJ’s back and leading him to the waiting room. 

Your father looks up at the sound of the approaching footsteps and gives JJ a slight nod when he walks into the room. 

“Any news?” your mother asks, sitting in the seat next to your father. 

“No, not a word.” 

JJ settles himself a couple chairs down from your parents. He’s not sure if he leaves the space for them or for himself. The silence is deafening, leaving JJ with nothing but his thoughts to run a mile a minute. You were going to be ok, he tried to convince himself. You had to be. His girl was a fighter and you would get through this. JJ rested his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands as he held in the tears that threatened to spill. He couldn’t lose you. Not when you were the only thing he loved more than anything in this world. You were his rock, his anchor. You kept him from spiraling out of control. Whenever he found himself acting impulsively, you always crossed his mind. He always tried to think about the consequences and how it would affect you. And though there were times he couldn’t help himself, you were always there to take care of him, to keep him safe, to love him. Without you, everything would fall apart. He would fall apart. 

The sound of two knocks on the waiting room door catches JJ and your parents attention, causing the three of you to stand up. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Y/L/N?” the doctor says, stepping into the room. 

“That’s us,” your father answers, stepping forward with your mother. 

JJ silently stands to the side, listening to the whole ordeal. 

“I’m Dr. Kavanaugh,” he introduces himself, giving them a hand to shake. He then turns to JJ, with his hand still extended. “And you are?”

“He’s Y/N’s boyfriend,” your mother answers for him. 

“Ah, nice to meet you,” Dr. Kavanaugh replies, still waiting for JJ to shake his hand. 

JJ reluctantly takes his hand, giving it a firm squeeze. 

“So, what’s the news Doc?” your father asks. “Will she be ok?” 

Dr. Kavanaugh looks to your father before giving his reply. “The good news is, her condition is stable. Other than the bruises on her ribs and the cuts on her face, her body’s in good shape.” 

“Oh, thank god,” your mother says as your father wraps an arm around her shoulders.

“So what’s the bad news then?” JJ abruptly asks. He doesn’t mean for it to come out so harsh, he was just tired of the doctor taking his sweet time to tell them what’s wrong. “You said that was the good news, so what’s the bad?” 

Dr. Kavanaugh turns to JJ before letting out a sigh and looking back to your parents. “The bad news is, she’s currently in a comatose state.” He pauses before continuing. “We don’t know how long she’s going to be like that or when she’s going to wake up. The best thing we can do for now is watch over her and look for any signs of complications.”

A coma. The love of his life was in a coma. It felt like the walls were closing in on him as JJ suddenly began hyperventilating. He was lightheaded and unable to comprehend what was going on around him. He pushed his way past your parents and the doctor ignoring their calls for him to come back. He stumbles down the hallway, leaning against the wall for support. The only thing that was running through his head was the thought of you being in a coma. That they didn’t know when you were going to wake up, or if you ever were. JJ feels himself crash into another body and almost falls to the floor, but the person hoists him up by his elbows. 

“Woah, JJ, you good?” John B’s voice sounds like it’s miles away. 

“I think he’s having a panic attack,” another voice says. Female. JJ identifies. The voice is female. 

John B moves JJ to one of the chairs that are lined up in the hallway and steps aside so Kiara can bring JJ back to reality. 

Kiara crouches down in front of JJ, holding onto his knees to keep herself steady. “Hey, JJ, can you hear me?” 

JJ slightly nods, his mouth too dry for him to respond.

“Good,” Kie’s voice soothes. “Now I need you to breathe with me ok? Can you do that?”

JJ nods again, beginning to follow Kiara’s instructions to breathe in and out. 

“That’s it, there you go,” Kiara says. She waits for a moment, letting JJ regain his senses come back to them. “You don’t need to talk now. Just let us know whenever you're ready.” 

JJ blinks a couple of times before finally being able to see clearly again. He sees Kiara crouched in front of him with a reassuring smile while Pope, John B, and Sarah stand behind her with looks of concern on their faces. JJ swallows, before telling them the news. He chokes up as he begins to tell them what happened, starting from when you left the Chateau, to the accident, and finishing at where you are now. 

Pope takes off his hat, putting his hands behind his head as he tilts his head back trying to stop the tears that are threatening to fall. Kiara lets out a small gasp as she starts to cry. Sarah buries her face into John B’s neck, sobs shaking her form. And John B just stares blankly at the wall, trying to stay strong for the rest of them. But JJ doesn’t miss the small tear that escapes from his right eye. 

At the sight of all his friends breaking down in front of him, he begins to break down too, his sobs becoming loud gasps for air. JJ buries his face in his hands and whispers, “It’s all my fault,” over and over again. 

Kiara is the first to move, capturing JJ in a tight hug as the others are close to follow. The five friends hold each other, sobbing for their best friend and the uncertainty that’s to come. 

_____ 

John B dropped JJ off in front of the hospital so he could go in first while he looked for a parking spot. 

JJ walked through the hospital dodging other patients, visitors, and nurses as best as he could as he made his way to your room. He could see Kiara standing outside of your hospital room with a faint smile on her lips. 

The door to your room was open and he could hear your faint voice talking to your parents and the doctor. God, how he missed your voice. JJ makes his way inside the room to see you sitting up and sipping some water out of a straw. “Y/N?” he whispers, his voice slightly shaking at the thought of you being awake again. He takes in your appearance thinking you look as beautiful as someone possible could from coming straight out of a coma. There’s a slight tinge of pink on your cheeks that have been pale for the past few days and your hair looks like it’s been groomed, probably by your mother. He takes another tentative step into the room, unable to help the smile that comes across his face. “Y/N,” he states this time. 

“JJ-” your mother starts, but he cuts her off.

JJ’s eyes well up with tears as he makes his way to the foot of your bed. “Thank fuck your ok,” he says with a small laugh getting a look of disapproval from Dr. Kavanaugh. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up. I know I promised I’d be here but I had to run to John B’s to shower.” He pauses and smiles at you again. “God, I missed you.” A look that JJ can’t decipher crosses over your face. He thought you’d be at least a little more excited to see him. 

You look to the doctor, then to your mom, as she nods and encourages you to speak. “Thank you. That’s so sweet of you to be here but…” you trail off trying to gather your thoughts. “I’m sorry, I don’t quite know who you are.” 

Your mother looks down at her lap, while your father puts a hand on JJ’s shoulder whispering to him, “JJ, come on, I need to speak with you outside.”

JJ shrugs your father’s hand off his shoulder and steps away from him. This had to be some kind of sick joke. “Very funny guys,” JJ says with a dry laugh, turning from your parents, to the doctor and then back to you. “Y/N, if this is your way of getting back at me for all the pranks I used to play on you then it worked. You got me good. Now come on, drop the act.” He desperately looks at you as the look of confusion on your face only grows. 

“JJ,” your father whispers to him again. 

“No,” JJ whispers. “No, this can’t be happening.” 

You push a strand of hair that fell in your face behind your ear before looking at JJ once more. “I’m really sorry,” you say softly. “But should I know you?”

JJ felt a sharp pain in his chest at your words. Those five goddamn words that broke his heart.

taglist: @sunflowerbecca​ @write-from-the-heart​ @5sos-xmalumx​ 

add yourself to my taglist!  

[soukokuwu]

angsty angst with atsushi discovering his s/o’s dead body 🥴

NO GOODBYES.      genre; pairing; word count. angst; atsushi x pm!reader; 1,750 words      warnings. death, mentions of abuse, gaslighting, toxic relationship      synopsis. the one thing you did right, and it came a little too late.      author notes. hi there (sorry for the super long wait too), but i combined it with this as requested by another(?) anony, i hope you like this! let me know what y’all think <3

What you tolerate, you encourage.

What you permit, you promote.

Perhaps if he hadn’t been so caught up in who you used to be, then he wouldn’t be in this predicament right now. Perhaps if he hadn’t been in love with the idea of who you could be, then he would have had the strength to let you go. But love makes people stupid sometimes.

And Atsushi is no exception.

No matter how many times Kunikida or the others tried to interfere, to warn him that you were no good, Atsushi wouldn’t listen. Why? Because he’s inherently kind, and sometimes to a fault. This time, it would be considered a fault. The weretiger is so blinded by you that he believes everything you do is out of love; because you can’t bear losing him. He uses love to justify your actions.

But nobody questioned this: Atsushi doesn’t understand what love is.

At least, not fully, and not yet. Especially when he acts as stubborn as a mule when it comes to you. Whatever heinous thing you did to him, he makes an excuse for it, hides it from everyone he works with every single day. And the worst part is, everyone in the agency can tell why.

A young boy, growing up in an orphanage with an abusive headmaster and nearly killed what, how many times? Once? Twice? A young boy, who grew up scared yet with a heart of gold. Starving, but wouldn’t steal. Lost, yet wouldn’t ask for help. He has never known proper care, proper love. So how could he be so sure you really loved him as he claimed you did?

The ones who could think more objectively — Dazai, Ranpo — they knew. Kunikida still let his personal feelings get in the way, he and the others didn’t give you the time of day. But back to the other two, they knew the answer. Why does Atsushi make up so many excuses for you time and time again? Why does he firmly believe that your feelings for him are true?

Because once upon a time, you really did love him.

In the beginning, before things took a wrong turn. Before his passiveness led to you taking advantage of him. Who was at fault? Maybe if he wasn’t so meek you wouldn’t have had that much control over him. But then again, you could’ve been a good person with a decent moral compass and not sucked him dry. Although, no one is surprised you behaved that way.

You are a member of the Port Mafia after all.

Atsushi remembers every single horrible thing you did. He’s blinded by love to stay with you, yes. But he isn’t totally lacking in common sense. He knows the things you do are wrong. He just hopes that each time you do it, there is a good enough reason behind your motivations. Besides, they always say it’s the thought that counts, right? And he thinks no differently.

One can only learn so much apart from experience.

He thinks back to everything now, while he slugs forward, slowly walking back to the dorms. He thinks about everything his coworkers have confronted him with. Atsushi doesn’t know what he plans on doing with the information, but with everyone pressuring him to at least reconsider the relationship, maybe he should think on it.

The first thing they told him: he is way too lenient with you. More often than not, they pointed out your jealousy to be irrational and unfounded. You’ve been with the Port Mafia longer than Atsushi’s been with the ADA, so you know of the existence of Yosano and Naomi, and now you’re aware that Kyouka’s part of them too. And somehow, without rhyme or reason, you always accuse Atsushi of having the hots for one of them. On occasion it’s Yosano, sometimes Naomi, but mostly Kyouka, which the weretiger is frankly very appalled by. Taking the age difference and her age itself, she has always been more of a sister to him, of course he’d take care of her.

But you didn’t buy that. You always manage to hang it over his head, always needs him to assure you countless times over and over again that he loves you and only you. Even then you doubted his words.

His colleagues’ take on this? It’ll never end. It’s an endless cycle. Because he let it go on for far too long. And now it’s too hard to pry that habit away from you.

Two. Ranpo was kind enough to put his two cents in the situation when bribed with snacks. He knows how abusive you are — you’re just lucky that Atsushi has the healing powers of the tiger, lucky that no bruises every stay on his skin for all to see. But Ranpo knows, and Dazai, because it’s just like that. They just do. And nobody else in the office doubts their word. Atsushi doesn’t fight back against you, because he knows he’s that much stronger than you. He’s afraid he’ll hurt you if he even grips your hands.

And it’s exactly because he doesn’t resist that he ends up getting hurt instead. Most of the times he just blames himself though — why did he have to go and do that? He knows that will make you mad, why did he still do it? He’s the utter failure here. He should be punished. And there you have it, he takes whatever you throw at him (pots, pans, coat rack, everything, basically); gets blue and black, sometimes gashes and cuts that all heal almost instantly anyway. Funny thing is, he hates it, because he thinks it’s some sort of cheat code, that he isn’t properly punished.

“How can anything like that be healthy?” Tanizaki’s words ring in his head.

Three. When asked why he’s even with you in the first place — he hesitates. Why is it that “I love her” doesn’t come to his mind straight away? Everyone knows he’s in denial and always has been. They all know that he’s hoping for the old you to come back. The one he blames himself for coaxing out of you in the first place when in reality it isn’t on him in the slightest.

That was the last straw — that was what made him storm out of the office. Because he knows that no reason he gives now will satisfy them enough to get them off his back. And perhaps… it is for good reason. Because honest to god? He’s tired. Tired of feeling wronged every time you accuse him of having an affair when he barely bats an eye in any of their direction (not since the last time you threatened to hurt them if he even dared to talk to them). Tired of being beaten up for something he never did, when it should be your colleagues who should be taking the heat of your anger. They were the ones who made you mad, not him. And he’s tired of constantly having to dread going to work because he has to make up a thousand more excuses for you, to defend you when he knows very well you wouldn’t do the same courtesy to him.

The ring of his cellphone makes him sigh. That’s probably you again, checking up on him to make sure he’s not up to no good.

Atsushi breathes in, throwing his head back, eyes closed as the faint light of the setting sun hits his face. His fingers fumble in his pocket for his phone, and he answers it. Another deep breath.

“Look, I don’t think—”

“Weretiger?”

His eyes snap open and he checks the caller ID. Unknown. He hears a familiar voice on the other end, it’s the one who’s always with that devil incarnate, the one they called the rabid dog. What’s her name?

“It’s Higuchi.”

Oh, right.

What do they want with him now? To surrender himself, maybe? But like hell you’d let that happen.

But what the blonde says next makes the whole world around him cease to exist. Every complicated feeling, any positivity, they’re all gone and he feels like he’s in a void. Black; everything is black. His fingers are twitching, palms shaking as Higuchi finishes what she says, but she doesn’t hang up without telling him one more important thing:

“It’s all your fault!”

Not an hour later and he’s kneeling down next to your bullet-riddled body, fingers ghosting over your now blue, chapped lips. The blood pooled on the concrete stains his pants, but he doesn’t care. Because despite wanting to break up with you, he didn’t want you to die.

And especially not for him.

You did a lot of wrong in the relationship. Abusing, gaslighting, and many more. The other detectives always put it upon themselves to show Atsushi who you really are, and how unhealthy every aspect of your relationship is. They always argued about which facet of your relationship is the worst. But now, they all know they’ve come to the same conclusion. No discussion needed.

It’s in how the black circles under his eyes have grown darker. It’s in how he’s so dejected, so forlorn every single day — at least before he could still deceive himself that you were there at the end of the day to possibly make him feel better. It’s in how he’s tried too hard before, and now not trying at all.

The conclusion? The worst thing you’ve done to him? Ironically, laughably, is to have loved him right just before you ceased to see the light. Sacrificing yourself just because you didn’t want to give his location away to the enemy, even if you knew Atsushi had a high chance of surviving? Honestly, the only thing you did that everyone else agreed was done out of actual love.

But you left behind a weretiger that now blames himself for your death. Whenever anyone asked he’d say that he killed you.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Atsushi used to be able to see beauty in the world; he practices it by striving to always see the good in you, in what you could be. Even if it is partial deception on his own end. But now… now he barely sees any good in any thing. Self-pity is a dangerous thing.

And somehow, by loving him right in the last moments of your life, you’ve sentenced him to an eternity of being a prisoner to his misery.

tags. @yokelish @gogolparadise @fyowyn-writes @animatedarchives

[smoochi-dazai]

Hello there, can you do headcanons on how Atsushi, Dazai, Kunikida and Chuuya would react if they found out their fem s/o could sing opera? Like she’s not a professional, but she is self taught and has a powerful soprano voice and she sings Carmen’s Habanera like an angel basically? And they find out through her singing in the shower, through karaoke, etc. If you want to do this imagine thank you! 🙏💕🌹🍷✨

✿ “  Love is a rebellious bird ” ✿

—> Bungo Stray Dogs, Atsushi, Dazai, Kunikida, Chūya + PM Dazai | Reader

—> Sweet | hcs

—> Description | Atsushi, Dazai, Kunikida and Chūya react to a s/o who’s a talented, self taught opera singer. 

+ I’m not sure how this turned out, sorry for taking so long <3 This is my first time writing for Atsushi, Kunikida and Chuya so i was super worried. TwT

Nakajima Atsushi 

✿ Atsushi along with his s/o lived together, similar to Kyōka - Dazai suddenly roomed these two together with some kind of scheme. Using a cover up of keeping her safe, even though the s/o was plenty able to protect herself.

✿ The least Dazai expected was for these two not to start dating. It had been a couple months time before they even developed some feelings, but the love was intoxicating the air. 

✿ Eventually becoming more affectionate publicly, small kisses on the cheek, hand holding- it was all some cute puppy love. Forming into something more genuine.

✿ While his s/o were roomed together with him, it wasn't uncommon for Atsushi to be out of the house at work. Or the other way around while his s/o still searched for a job.

✿  Thankfully Atsushi recommended to be an assistant at the ADA, if his s/o had no interest in all the violence and fighting as a proper member. 

✿ The day Atsushi was first introduced to his s/o’s powerful voice for singing was while she was in the shower.

✿ He had towels for s/o and a spare change of fresh new clothes, but the poor boy didn’t want to interrupt their singing. opening the door ever so slightly, he put the clothes inside then shut the door again. No intension on invading his s/o’s privacy.

✿ Atsushi would mostly likely sit outside the door to listen to his s/o’s singing. It captured his heart honestly, poor boy was speechless. 

✿ Never had he heard such a strong voice, he saw you as such a beautiful singer, let alone someone who slept right next to him ?! he couldn’t believe his ears.

✿ Poor boy ends up being hit by the door when his s/o came out of the bathroom, now changed in light clothes and a towel over their shoulders that had been partially dampened..

✿ Atsushi stared at his s/o in awe. Unable to say a word he just stares at s/o for an uncomfortable amount of time. 

✿ Once Atsushi snaps out of it, he’s complimenting his s/o all day. 

✿ When I say all day, I mean all day.

✿ Atsushi had no idea you were capable of something so, amazing. He knew you were talented, but never grasped the fact you could control your voice for opera?!

✿ He wont force you to sing for him or anything, but every once in a while he may ask. 

✿ Overall, Atsushi was in love with the singing. He wouldn't question much, he’d be too busy complimenting it all. 

Dazai Osamu

✿ These two first met at the cafe beneath the ADA’s head office. 

✿ While the others were screaming at each other over work, Dazai left for some peace and quiet. The least he was expecting was a new waitress coming to his table with the cutest little smile.

✿ Dazai would do his typical flirts, asking to commit a lovers suicide.

✿ Each time he was declined, for obvious reasons haha.

✿ Visit upon visit, Dazai would show up much more frequently then the rest of his friends in the ada.

✿ They started to be on a first name basis which was a surprise, because even the ADA members call him by his surname.

✿ The day Dazai visited and found the cafe trashed up because of a group of thugs? he was beyond upset. s/o was knocked out cold on the ground, while the head of the cafe was clenching onto his hand that bled. 

✿ After the ada caught the ones behind the attack and taught them a lesson, Dazai offered to take care of s/o at his place. She meekly accepted his offer.

✿ Being around someone more casual was refreshing and new, the rest of the people he knew were always work busy and overall just rude to him. Stick in the muds as he’d put it. 

✿ S/o was gentle with him, always worried if he got injured- it was odd. 

✿ At first he began rejecting her, but she’d still come to his place with groceries and cook for him.

✿ Falling her her more and more, Dazai joked less about his suicidal tendencies. Becoming more serious with his issues, he’d vent to s/o for relief. Even when she didn’t say anything in return, it was still comforting. 

✿ Eventually these two started dating, Dazais flirtatious habits died off and he was always focused on his s/o. Some may say he was a bit obsessive, but Dazai was just afraid he’d lose what made him want to live.

✿ Their first date was simple, going out to town and just walking together hand in hand. They ate together, shopped a little- that was until he felt his s/o insist on pulling his arm, pointing at a building across the street. 

✿ Dazai thought his s/o was pointing in the direction of a pathway leading to a river.

✿ “ You want to commit a lovers suicide in the river? “ I never said he completely got rid of the jokes- even if they hold a little truth. 

✿ “ No moron! Karaoke is tonight !! “

✿  “ oh. “

✿    Pouting, his s/o dragged him to the building. Not minding that they were alone, she just wanted an excuse to sing for her lover. 

✿ Thats the night she first sung for Dazai- he wasn’t aware of her talent in singing before-hand so this man was in pure awe.

✿ Dazai leaned back in his chair, eyes never once leaving his s/o’s form when she sung to him. A smile formed on his features uncontrollably, the singing wasn’t any singing of a casual for fun. It was Opera- 

✿ He constantly wanted to speak up and say how amazing his s/o was, but stayed respectful. keeping his mouth quiet.

✿  Afterwards, Dazai showers his s/o in love. Kisses, words- you name it. 

✿ “ Your voice was so powerful, ah~ I could die! “

✿ Dazai claims that if it were to continue he may faint from the beauty, saying his s/o was an angel sent from above to take care of him.

✿ His s/o better be prepared- because the next day she goes to work. all the ada detectives were sitting down like usual, but that's when Dazai takes it upon himself to drag s/o onto his lap and start bragging about her. 

✿ Dazai tries to make her sing again, but the poor girl is embarrassed looking down at her lap.

✿ Overall this boy is all over his s/o, bragging to the world that she is talented as hell. Will often tease her for blushing when he asks her to sing for him. 

Kunikida Doppo

✿ This man didn’t plan on meeting the woman of his dreams for another 3-5 years as he stated many times, which would then lead to marriage. 

✿ But when you became an assistant at the ADA he couldn't keep his eyes off you, always coming with excuses as to why he’d stare.

✿ Dazai constantly teased him over this-

✿ “ Is it true? Kunikida has the hots for our new assistant?~ “ Dazai teases, only to be tossed away. 

✿ “ I am only keeping an eye for her for the safety of our office, plus she may need guidance around the office. “

✿ “ Sureee.. “

✿ He never planned on becoming super close to the new assistant, but the way she smiled at him always kept his heart fluttering. The determination held in her eyes whenever he gave advise, it was something he appreciated. 

✿ Unlike Dazai, she wasn't always on her ass. The potential love of his life was always on her feet, keeping her work a priority. 

✿ It got to the point, she was kunikidas go-to person for assistance. Need coffee? she’d get it for him, need to shut up Dazai? he is already out the window. She’d never failed to meet his expectations, a true blessing. Even helping his with paperwork became a regular whenever he was fatigued. 

✿ He never involved himself with romance, especially around work. But he couldn’t help but fall for you as time went by, dazai pointing it out made it more obvious to himself. he was changing because of his s/o.

✿ It takes a couple years to actually get together, this man is always busy with his work and ideals. So even though it takes so long, id say its worth it. He deeply cares for his s/o even if he isnt always fun and romantic- 

✿ The first time he hears his s/o sing was when they were off work for once, just resting at home on the couch. However, kunikida still insisted on working from home. 

✿ His s/o had to convince him to leave.

✿ “ Can you at least listen to me sing? I’ve been practicing... i thought you’d want to listen. “ 

✿ Sing? this was the first time he heard of his s/o singing. He never wrote that down, time to add it to the list of talents he figures out his s/o has.

✿ He was convinced to listen to one song, thankfully. So his s/o dragged him to the living room, siting him down as she sat in front of him. 

✿ At the start, he never once put his notebook down. Writing random jots in there about she could only assume- it was about her. 

✿ So while singing, she carefully takes the book from his hand, catching Kunikidas attention. 

✿ After the singing, Kunikida was almost in tears- nowhere in his notebook did it say his girlfriend would be this talented. 

✿ He’d grab her shoulders, staring eye to eye with her. It was an intense stare only to be glossy, tearing up. Explaining how that was so beautiful. 

✿ Overall, Kunikida is gushing over the beauty. There will be a lot of explaining as to how his s/o is perfect in his eyes. 

Chūya Nakahara 

✿ Chuya first met his s/o through the Mafia, s/o weren’t all that special. Just another person beneath him in terms of rank, he didn’t know much about them honestly.

✿ It wasn’t til he ran into his future s/o during a meeting with fellow executives and their leader, Mori. 

✿ S/O was playing with Elise on the opposite side of the room, Chuya was much more focused on Mori for obvious reasons at first. But then his ears pick up on s/o braiding Elise hair and humming for her. 

✿ Honestly it was pretty sweet, s/o was a beauty he’d admit. 

✿ Suddenly, Mori called s/o over. Advising her to follow Chuya on a mission to retrieve information from a colleague in question. 

✿ At first Chuya would question why she of all people would be sent with him, but that look in her eyes gave it away. S/O wasn’t any normal mafia member, her dull eyes still held a sparkle. Serious about their mission.

✿ Something about it was intimidating? 

✿ Its never right to judge a book by its cover, Chuya knew that. But he still couldnt grasp that someone as motherly as the s/o was capable of hurting even a fly.

✿ S/o was there to keep him under control, Mori was all too aware of Chuyas hot-headed approach to issues. But Chuya still was trustworthy enough.

✿ It became a regular for s/o to join Chuya on jobs.

✿ Turns out she was born without any kind of agility. She was the most human you could get, but that didn’t stop him from admiring her. She seemed like a mystery at first.

✿ S/O was capable of high levels of martial arts, even rivalling him. Though Chuya still would have the upper hand, just from having a little more experience in the mafia. 

✿ s/o would lure people in with her singing, then he’d deal with them.

✿ S/O gained the nickname ‘ Siren ‘ for her beautiful vocals, while deadly even without Chuya at her side.

✿ After almost a year working together, Chuya gained feelings for the women at his side. the feelings were mutual, s/o and Chuya were just too caught up in work to confess. 

✿ He would compliment s/o for a job well done, her singing was truthfully very alluring. 

✿ It was only recently where he found her on an empty bridge in Yokohama. 

✿ She seemed to be preparing to sing on her own, maybe practicing for future missions. If she sung on the streets she’d probably make more money then the mafia gave her. 

✿ Chuya kept himself hidden away in the shadows of night, watching his s/o who was doing small exercises for her vocals.

✿ S/O began to sing opera, which was new to him. Shutting his eyes, Chuya couldnt help but smile. He never saw himself dating such a talented young women. Someone to call his own. 

✿ Even when he’d murder someone before her eyes, she never once seemed disgusted. Never found herself question his motives, not even tease him for his outbursts. 

✿ He adored his s/o through in through. 

✿ When his s/o finishes singing, he’d finally reveal himself. out of the blue, his s/o would be pulled into a hug.

✿ “ That was beautiful, who knew i’d date someone so damn talented. Holy shit. “

✿ Chuya wouldn't bombard his s/o in compliments like others, it would be more shown through actions. A kiss on the head with his arms wrapped around her waist. 

✿ Chuya would be happy, alone on the bridge with s/o.

✿ Overall this man would get a little distracted on missions because of that beautiful voice, may have to snap him out of it during serious times. Be prepared for hugs, and many pecks on the lips. 

Bonus !! Port Mafia Dazai 

✿ Dazai first met his S/O in Lupins bar, one night where he went to meet with  Odasaku for a couple drinks. He heard a women in the opposite corner of the bar humming to herself. 

✿ Having nothing to do with her, the smaller hums were relaxing to just think during before he made his leave.

✿ Frequent visits later- Dazai found himself showing up for her, more then the drinks. Often alone, he’d just come to listen to the women hum, or even sing sometimes. 

✿ She rarely properly sung in order to leave the peace at the bar serene. Having no interest in making someone uncomfortable.

✿ One day he visited and finally spoke to her, even praising her just for a mere tune that created a beautiful atmosphere in a normally gloom bar.

✿ Days on end, Dazai would insist on her singing for him. Free time? he’d be spending that time at the bar. He was often curious as to why the talented women was stuck at a cheap bar like Lupins. Yet, she never seemed to answer his question. So he left it be. 

✿ That’s how they end up getting closer and started dating. Visiting almost everyday to see one another- The women never questioned his often dull expression as days pass by. 

✿ Who knew she had been the single thing keeping him to hold some faith in humanity, or even himself. 

✿ As the visits became daily and they started dating, she often would leave the bar and sing for Dazai outdoors. It allowed her to use all her vocals, no matter how loud she may be. 

✿ Hums, small tunes, singing then- Opera. Something she always found interest in. Feeling confident to sing for Dazai after really knowing each other.

✿ The first time his S/O grabs his hand before he even sat himself down, he knew something was up. Rather it was good or bad had been the real question.

✿ “ I wanted to try something new for you “

✿ Dazai had no idea what he was instore for, but accepted it anyways. Sitting himself on the ground crisscross. 

✿ That was the first time she had sung an Opera for him. It was purely her voice, no instruments in the background or some music video online. It was live, right in front of his eyes. 

✿ Boy was this mafia executive in Awe. His S/O was beautiful, and not just that. She was talented !! 

✿ Dazai being in the mafia hasn’t any experience in the world of singing, yes he often would hum random tunes through boredom. But her voice was so strong, and held control throughout the whole performance. 

✿ Once his S/O finished singing, Dazai was speechless. Eyes sparkling like a child as he stands up and grasps her hands. There was hardly space in between them, but he pays no attention towards that. 

✿ “ That was outstanding !! How’d you do that ?? “

✿ Honestly he didn’t give her time to answer his question, before asking a million more. Dazai was just in love with her voice, even more than before. It was stronger then any person he’s fought against. How could someone be so talented and it not be an ability or something?

✿  Overall this boy is in shock, he’s absolutely in love with the singing and insists on his s/o doing it more for him on the days off work.

[capricornus-rex]

Two Sides of the Coin (12)

Chapter 12: Facing Thine Demons | Jidné Sheedra x Cal Kestis

Summary: Hell-bent on exacting revenge and retrieving the Holocron, the dreaded Darth Vader is now on the hunt for the young Jedi Knight, Cal Kestis. Under the assumption that he still possessed the artifact, while fueled by the intrigue of the boy’s strength and skill with the Force, the dark lord hires the bounty hunter, Jidné Sheedra, to track him down and have him delivered alive. However, the task becomes a trial for young Jidné, as she faces a conflict that tests her beliefs of a scarred past she had hidden for so long.

A/N: There was a tiny technical error on my end. Was about to save the draft with the new touches until it ended up posting it (surprised pikachu meme here) and so I put it on private first. But now it’s ready! ^^ Sorry if I have confused those of you who opened the shortcut link from Chapter 11 and got a blank webpage or that it was simply gone... Don’t worry, it’s here now!

Also tagging: @silver-is-in-too-many-fandoms​​ @berenilion​​ @stellar-trinity​​ @justtinfoley​​ @peterwandaparker​​ @cal-jestis​​ @superwarsofthrones​​ @queen-destenie​​ @fallenjedii​​ @sweeetteaa​​ @ayamenimthiriel​​ @calgasm​​ @calsponchoemporium​​

Also in AO3

Tags: Fem OC, Jidné Sheedra, Force-Sensitive! Fem OC, Bounty Hunter! Fem OC, Jedi! Fem OC | Special tags: Nomara Anesh, Jedi Master! Fem OC, Togruta, Force Vision, Dark Force Vision

Chapters: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10 | Previous: Part 11 | Next: Part 13 | Masterlist

12 of ?

Jidné fixed herself a cup while staring intently at the Holocron shard. She recalled Cal’s words from yesterday, and right after that, Darth Vader’s specifications of the contract followed. It frustrated her that it was the thing that kept her awake way into the wee hours until it had mentally exhausted her to sleep.

Her mind concocted an endless list of assumptions, theories, and scenarios that she forgot to take a sip from her cup to slow herself down. The images replayed to no end, some of them were interjections of her own memories from the day of the Jedi Purge; her breath shuddered, for no matter how many times she blinked them away, the memories and the moments that are yet to be—from her meditation before and the premonitions now—flashed behind her eyes. The sounds she imagined were starting to sound too surreal, covering her ears to shut them out proved futile.

Jidné’s head shot up, interrupted by her droid barging in with a series of panicking chirps.

“Who is it, ID-3?”

“Bee… Beep, trill,” the droid answered rather nervously, the tone of his chirps caused Jidné’s eyebrows to pull together.

Jidné jogged away from the galley and headed to the lounge—she asks ID-3 to relay the transmission to the holotable’s receiver and the droid promptly obeyed, twisting his connector in the port left and right until the transfer became successful.

The projection of Darth Vader from the waist up crackled into existence at the center of the holoprojector. Jidné approached the holotable, the projection towered a few feet above her that she kept her head tilted up and stood at a distance away from the table.

“Lord Vader,” she greeted with the same steely tone of voice she used on the dark lord. “How untimely of you to drop by.”

“I require a report of your progress, Sheedra,”

Jidné clenched her jaw.

“Did you find the boy?”

Her shoulders heaved, “Yes. I’ve found him in hiding… though he’s not aware of me yet.”

“And what of the Holocron?”

Jidné played dumb—a risky move for a young Jedi who’s also in hiding—and pulled her eyebrows together.

“Is that the vital thing you seek of him?”

“Yes. Does he still have it?”

The bounty hunter shakes her head in earnest, “I haven’t… seen him hold it yet. Obviously, he’s kept it in his ship for safekeeping.”

The longer this conversation went, the more cemented her assumptions became.

“My Inquisitors have already failed in recovering that Holocron from the Jedi,” he raised his finger in her face, regardless if it was via hologram. “Do not fail me like they did, Sheedra.”

He hissed at the utterance of her surname, Jidné could visualize the clenching of Vader’s teeth through that mask’s mouthpiece when he did. The hint wasn’t easy to miss, especially with that steady yet foreboding tone; she could’ve sworn she felt the interior of her ship rattle upon the intensity of the dark lord’s words.

Jidné stood her ground and steeled her voice, not tolerating being told what to do in her own turf and on her own expertise. She almost raised her voice back in an attempt to dominate his volume.

“With all due respect, m’lord, don’t ever tell me how to do my job.”

Taken aback by the child’s words, Darth Vader’s broad shoulders evidently eased, as the resolution of the hologram blurred and cracked with static in synch with his breathing. He leaned forward, closer to the lens of his holoprojector, he raised his finger at her again.

“You are fortunate it is I who employed you. Consider this your warning, child. The Emperor would not have forgiven this as I did.”

Without needing a response from her, Vader ended the transmission on his end and the projection of the girl dissolved into nothingness. He returned into the silent solitude of his meditation chamber, a black shell that hid him away and concealed his true self from everyone else.

A long exhale wafted through the mouthpiece of his mask as he leaned back against the seat of his chamber. His calm mechanical breathing ricocheted in the organic walls of his sanctum. He recalled the conversation with the bounty hunter, he sensed something within the girl and the delivery of her words—he gave himself the benefit of the doubt and deduced it was the usual anxiety one would have when reporting to him, afraid that they might step into the wrong foot and have to elaborate themselves.

“I sense a disturbance in the Force… and in that child.” He purred, his leather between his gloved fingers squeaked as he gripped on the armrests of his sanctuary’s throne.

Robotic limbs from the ceiling whirred and lowered towards his head, its pincers gingerly clamped at the hem of his helmet, with a single click of the inner mechanism the limbs carefully took off the layers of his mask one by one. With the final layer was removed, light is shed upon the true face of Vader: sickly, calloused skin that aged as it healed from fatal burns, a wrinkled bag of skin that crumpled whenever he blinked his sunken, sorrowful eyes, and a rupture on the top of his head ran from one point to the other.

Another set of robot limbs appeared, vials of Bacta and syringes were fixed on where their pincers ought to be. In his first few years of getting used to this armor—now his new body—the medical procedure was a form of self-pity and pain, though it fueled his connection with the Dark Side, making him stronger and more powerful the way the Emperor intended him to be.

Vader afforded a moment to breathe before commanding the robotic claws to fit his helmet back on. The chipped, coarse leather glove ran across his creased forehead. He yearned for a moment of peace, a moment to meditate, but the demons of his past intruded his sanctum as they please, ravaging his supposedly rock-solid conscience as sturdy as the armor where his life clings onto constantly. When he deemed the activity pointless, he slammed a button—he waited for a few minutes and heard the main door of his room hiss open. Another press of a button and his meditation chamber parted open.

“What is thy bidding, my master?” a female Twi’lek Inquisitor, with skin as crimson as blood and her blade, inquired upon her entrance, kneeling in front of Vader with the greatest reverence.

——————————————————–

Jidné caught her breath after the transmission, clutching her chest did little to relax her wild heart. She fumbled her way towards the booth seat in the lounge, she attempted to relax—she clapped her hand against her forehead, slouched her back against the sofa while trying to realign her thoughts.

The beeping of the homing beacon caught her attention, it sat idly atop the center table. Using the Force, Jidné reached for it, she gawked at it resting at the center of her palm and she was reminded of her duty, but the feelings that has been forged by her connection with Cal conflicted her greatly.

“Trill…?”

“I don’t want him to get hurt, ID-3,”

Jidné closed her fist with the beacon still in her hand, she and ID-3 looked at one another for a brief moment—as if wordlessly coming to an agreement—the girl’s fist tightened, inhaled deeply that it puffed her chest, she turned her hand sideways and opened her fingers to let the blue circular device fall to the floor…

The sole of her boot stopped the beacon from rolling away, then with all her strength, Jidné crushed the device beneath her feet—reducing it into shards of glass and metal.

She’s seen enough. She’s understood enough.

“I won’t let them hurt him,”

The other end of the beacon is still attached to the Mantis, but she made it a point to get it and destroy it the same way before Cal finds out. She donned a maroon jacket and a black cowl before heading out of the Scarab, she beckoned ID-3 to come along and the droid hovered towards her shoulders to perch himself there.

Jidné found a herd of Q’aval in the desert not far from the water hole, imitating the same approach as Cal did yesterday, she tamed one and mounted it. The animal reared as Jidné spurred the side of its belly with a gentle kick of her boot, clouds of smoke fluttered behind its heels as it stamped through the badlands and towards the forest, foam frothed at the rim of its mouth. She dismounted the Q’aval before it even came to a full stop, she sprinted towards the Mantis; she recomposed herself until Cere greeted her at the door.

“Jidné? What a pleasant surprise for you to come by,”

“Hi Cere, is Cal here?”

“No, actually he went to Diitana with Greez—he finally got to tour the captain at the marketplace—but I bet they’re just about finished with those errands,”

“Oh? How nice of him,”

“You can wait for him inside,” invited Cere.

“Sure, just let me… catch my breath,”

Cere excused herself and went back inside, Jidné ran to the stern of the Mantis where she had shot the homing beacon during their chase. The device ceased to blink or beep, it died out the same time Jidné destroyers hers. She tore it off clean from the exterior and stamped her boot on it numerous times, she dug the soil with her shoe and buried the shards in the tiny crater she made.

It was peaceful in the clearing—nothing but wind and chirping songbirds hidden amongst the trees. Jidné situated herself atop a boulder a few meters away from the ship, in an attempt to meditate while waiting for Cal. It has been a while since she did so and she wanted to see how she fared lately.

Finding solace in the clearing, she meditated and relearned her master’s lessons at the same time; recalling the words of Master Anesh from the vision she had a couple of days ago. Little by little, the girl afforded to be proud of herself as the meditations become more tranquil and resonant.

What was initially experimental, and then turned out to be quite effective: she dared to reach out to the Force and allowed to let whatever thoughts flow within her—there was laughter and warmth, comfort and compassion, images of Master Anesh smiling, and the gleam of Cal’s clear, green eyes that’s burned into her mind all too well.

“That actually felt nice…” she murmured upon opening her eyes. She gazed at her hands, then wiggled her fingers as she examined them as if the sensations touched her in reality.

She thought hours have passed, when in fact it has only been minutes. However, the good feelings were immediately washed away when her Q’aval suddenly began to neigh nervously and clopped its hooves in place.

“Hey, what’s wrong, old timer? You smell something?”

The animal neighed again, then she heard the rustling of the bushes that lined the clearing. Jidné’s instincts went on high alert, she cautiously hopped down from the boulder as she peered through the dim denseness of the forest beyond.

“Who’s there?”

A cacophony of insects hissing and chirping replied her, she didn’t take that for an answer. She senses something else than just insects and birds.

Her hand subtly wandered to her saber; with her rifle still out of commission, she had been leaning into her saber more, and she actually preferred it to the ballistic weapon. She unclipped the hilt from her belt as quietly and slowly as she can. A narrow path connected the Mantis’s spot to another open space of the forest, something about it lured Jidné in, but she had sensed a trap—for Force’s sake, she’s a bounty hunter! She knew this strategy all too well; whoever the enemy was, they wanted to her stray from the Mantis, they wanted to single her out.

Something’s definitely not right. She thought while she prowled, saber in hand and ready to ignite.

Her attempt to use Force Shroud on herself was hindered when her ears pricked up at the sound of a pin clinking. A flashbomb hissed upon the removal of the pin and rolled to Jidné’s feet. Luckily, she had the sharp reflex to kick it back to the thrower.

She shielded her eyes with her arm but was jumped by the bounty hunter who wielded a rifle with a vibroblade bayonet, she was able to deflect the attack with her saber; upon closer look, she recognized the enemy—it was the same bounty hunter who chased Cal in Diitana, the goon named Fazer.

“Where’s your boyfriend, girlie!?” the male hunter spat through his cloth mask.

“Where’s yours, scum?!”

If there’s one thing Jidné could never go wrong about the Haxion Brood—it’s that they always travel in pairs.

“Look at that, she’s got a laser sword too!” the HURID droid stomped his way into the picture, outnumbering Jidné two to one.

“So glad you could join us!” Jidné blurted and pushed the hunter away to stance herself.

She deflected the HURID droid’s barrage of blasts from its gauntlet gun in a fluid, spiraling motion of her saber. A third one had appeared from the trees, another male human hunter with a jetpack. He jumped on her, she evaded it too little too late thus she staggered for a brief second before using the Force to push her assailant away.

All three enemies circled her in the center of the clearing, like vultures to a carrion.

“We got you outnumbered, ye cunt! Sorc is gonna pay us a shitton of money for yer head!” Jetpack barked.

Sorc!?

“That son of a bitch!!”

Jidné’s hard feelings didn’t root from the fact that she once worked for Sorc—despite their stale work dynamic—and discovered now that he’s put a price on her head; what enraged her is that she had become a target herself in her own organization—though it’s highly likely that he had bribed someone, with Baz being a probable candidate, or had a mole in the Guild. Sorc had actively broken a law in the Guild and whoever else was in connivance. Whatever the reason, she needed to finish these three goons.

The skirmish got intense pretty quickly. It was just Jidné alone against three; her first target was the hunter with the jetpack—she immediately put him out of work when she deflected a blast and redirected it to the exhaust hatch of the jetpack, instantly setting it on fire. All eyes—both Haxion and Jidné—were glued to the poor sod who’s spinning out of control, perfectly incapable of escaping his jetpack until he blew up with it upon impact of a tree trunk.

“Alright, your attention here!” Jidné beckoned, spinning her saber and positioning herself in a beginning stance.

The HURID was the most aggressive attacker among the two remaining. Both of them were troublesome in their own special way—Fazer kept himself at a safe distance while loading his gun, to ruin his strategy, Jidné moved a lot: taking advantage of the trees, scaling them and perching on their branches, and finally utilizing her Force Shroud in battle. She masked herself using the Force; to the weak-minded eye, it would appear that she disappeared out of plain sight and into thin air.

“Where’s the little cunt!?” Fazer roared.

The hulking droid and the human hunter spun around in place, in search of their nimble target.

“If you’re such a brave lil’ girl, why don’t ye come out!?” Fazer taunted.

Jidné saw that the HURID droid standing directly below the branch she’s perched on, she ignited her saber and descended upon the walking block of metal from the heavens, driving her saber into its central processing core with her purple lightsaber.

“Now, it’s just you and me, Fazer,”

“You know me, don’tcha, little birdie?”

“You’re one of Sorc’s favorites, I figured he’d send you. Shall we put that to the test?”

“Don’t make me laugh, kid!”

In a deadpan snark, the girl clapped back, “I’ve always had a dry sense of humor.”

Jidné had taunted Fazer into laying down his shield, telling him to face her like a true fighter with the remaining ounce of a crook’s honor in him; the enemy hunter humored the girl and relinquished his foldable shield, leaving himself with only his bayonet rifle.

Tiny, blue cracks of electricity coursed along the blade of the bayonet and instantaneously died out as soon as it came into contact with the saber’s beam. Jidné held fast, the soles of her boots were practically buried into the dirt as she kept her stance, her unwavering grip secured her hilt as she shifted all her weight in blocking Fazer’s blade.

“You can’t win, girl!! I’ll have your head rolling over Sorc’s table!” grunted Fazer.

Collecting all her might and transferring it all on her deflection, she took a big, deep breath as the purple gleam shone over the gloss of her dark, willful eyes.

“Not if I have anything to say about it!”

She pushed Fazer away, kicked him the hardest in the abdomen to stagger him and afford a window of opportunity to cut him down. With the strength fueled by adrenaline, she struck down the bounty hunter and silence returned to the forest…

Or so she thought.

More rustling among the bushes alarmed her, she brandished her saber securely, prepared for a stance if necessary. The noises persisted and prompted her to follow it, instead of waiting for it to jump on her. Blinded by the anger that she mistook for the thrill of the action, she dashed mindlessly through the forest, following the sound.

Meanwhile, Cal had returned to the Mantis’s clearing and spotted a Q’aval. He approached it and started bobbing its head to its forward direction while neighing fervently.

“Whoa, whoa, it’s okay! What’s wrong?”

Cal held the animal’s muzzle, petting it with his one hand while the other cupped its large cheek. The Q’aval kept nodding at the direction of the clearing despite being calmed down, the redheaded Jedi finally got the hint as he turned his head to the path.

He withdrew from the animal, tugged his saber off of his belt, and cautiously prowled into the neighboring clearing with peeled eyes. When the boy sensed nothing, he investigated the area and discovered the bodies of the three Haxion Brood hunters sprawled across the clearing; he got closer and found lightsaber cuts across their bodies—except for the third one who had majority of his body charred from the explosion of his jetpack, nonetheless, Cal recognized the handiwork.

“Beee…!” BD-1 chirped and pointed at something with his entire body.

Lying just a few inches away from Fazer’s body were bright, turquoise beads threaded into two separate strands. Cal knelt down and examined it, he hesitated to take it at first but eventually scooped it up with one hand, he’s seen this trinket more than once and didn’t need to guess who the owner is.

“Jidné…” uttered Cal.

The fingers of Cal’s free hand gingerly touched the trinket—one finger for each bead—and a tunnel of light violently clouded his vision, the sharp sensation was reminiscent to being punched hard in the gut. Cal’s knees buckled as the echoes of the Force kick in. Sounds and voices that he knew all too well screeched and bounced along the walls of his skull.

“Execute Order 66…”

“Keep up with me, Jidné!”

“I’m trying, Master!”

“The Jedi and the little girl are here! Don’t let them escape!!!”

The barrage of blaster fire nearly deafened Cal, he finally melted to the forest floor; his hand gripped around the beads, his consciousness battled with its own demon—a part of him wanted to let go, but the other kept his fist shut, as if gripping it tightly to stop him from opening his hand, and so the waking nightmares persisted in his mind.

“This way, child! Come on!”

“Coming, Master!”

“Get behind me, little one!”

“Blast her!!”

“NOOOOOOOO….!!!!”

“Jidné… RUN…!”

——————————————————–

Jidné sprang out of the woods and into a lone waterfall’s clearing, different from the one where she once bathed and smaller in comparison. She panted and arched her back, her hands holding onto her knees as she gasped for air, finally allowing her body to relax. Jidné scanned the place and realized that she has no memory of the place, it was an entirely new area that she has gotten herself lost in.

Strange, she thought as she stepped further into this unfamiliar spot in the forest; she gawked quizzically at the sky as she walked, the trees’ canopy didn’t cover up the sun and yet the weather appeared to be overcast, as if a storm is brewing above—even though it was significantly sunny when she came here.

“Jidné…”

The girl’s head jerked to the direction of the voice. At first she found nobody around, but her eyes continued to survey the area with great eagerness and curiosity. The call of her name brought her closer to the pool, oddly enough, the rippling of the water was louder than the end of the waterfall meeting the basin.

Jidné stood at the fine line between land and water. A silhouette—standing tall and regal in stride—materialized, she squinted her eyes to peer through the curtain of water. The shadow became more opaque bit by bit: the tips of the montrals parted the water but not a single droplet lingered, the hem of the long robe swept the surface of the water as if it was a plane of glass flooring, and the apparition seemed almost too real.

Nomara Anesh, her master… or perhaps the shell of what she used to be.

Jidné’s knees were reduced to jelly, so much so that she staggered back in surprise upon laying eyes on the waking vision of her mentor.

“Master Anesh…” a wide-eyed Jidné shuddered.

Silence. Only a smile replied to her, but it was no smile of compassion. There was something ominous that traced the line of that smirk. Wind howled amongst the towering trees as the two women faced one another.

The apparition stepped closer until she stood at the center of the pool, ripples orbited her even though Nomara stood like a statue; Jidné was able to get a closer look—she was impressed with the apparition, for it mimicked the sage aura that her master emitted, despite being a mere manifestation borne from the nether of the Force.

The young girl shakes her head and grips onto her saber.

“No,” she snarled, attempting to harden herself in the midst of this delusion. Her thumb crunches the switch of her saber. “You’re not her.”

The ghost of Nomara Anesh rebuked the girl’s claim in the form of igniting her own saber. An indigo blade emitted out of the elegant silver hilt. The Togruta slowly walked up to her as they spoke.

“What makes you so sure? Have you allowed your doubts to cloud your feelings?”

Jidné detected the difference of this apparition’s tone of voice compared to the real thing; this one sounded emotionless and strict altogether. The apprentice couldn’t find the same warmth the original has within this ghost. The compassion and kindness that the real Nomara Anesh had, the traits that the girl missed sorely and dearly, was completely non-existent.

“No, I haven’t…”

“Well then, we won’t find much outcome in words, will we?”

That compassion Jidné desperately searched in that walking manifestation of Nomara was replaced with a demanding, arrogant façade—it’s as if she’s facing a different person with the perfect identical copy of her late master’s body.

Jidné itched to swing her saber at this ghost so much that she didn’t realize she had stepped onto the water, she paused and looked down on her feet. The water’s surface remained solid to stand on but retained its liquid aspects like the ripples and droplets. Now in the same arena as this spirit, she circled along the edge while her eyes fixated on the otherworldly entity. She can’t put her reason into words, it was more of a feeling.

“You have allowed so much of the darkness to take you… that you can’t even see who you truly are,” Nomara lectured coldly.

The walking vision had provoked the child, Jidné had lost the remaining ounces of control she had within her and came charging at the Togruta. Two blades of nearly the same shade clashed and growled against one another. Nomara retained her erect, poised posture while the young Jidné had her back arched as she put all of her strength on the strike.

“Is this the resolve you’ve settled with? Is this how you honor my teachings!?” Nomara hissed, truly sounding like an unsatisfied mentor. “You have truly forgotten the ways of the Force!”

“That’s not true! You don’t know that! You are not her!!”

The young Jedi continued to send a flurry of attacks against this sentient delusion, but for every move she knew and used against the ghost, it always had a way to deny her of a strike; her anger bestowed her a false and hollow strength that bore no blows. Jidné’s body flared with a recklessness that was determined to strike down that spirit. But the next thing she knew, Nomara’s ghost stopped the Jedi girl in her tracks.

“You can’t save him—the same way you can’t save yourself from the past, the present, and even in the future. You will always run away from your fate like the weak coward that you are!”

“NO!!!”

Another clash of blades, a sphere of light formed at the center of the intercrossed beams. Something between the lines of Nomara’s words struck something within Jidné, and then she sought for the strength inside her again… but found nothing. The Togruta bore all her weight on her attack, gradually bringing down the former apprentice until she’d fumble.

“You are not the Padawan I trained!!”

Jidné struggled to push away Nomara—even for a few paces at least—to regain her composure. This time, it was the Togruta who went into the offensive. With the distance shrinking between them, Jidné paced her breathing and timed the right moment to counter.

A shockwave of the Force sourced from the collision of their sabers, it was a wave so strong that it threw Jidné meters away from their arena. The girl couldn’t pinpoint where the phenomenon originated—though it didn’t matter. She found herself tumbling back into the clearing where she had singlehandedly eradicated the Haxion Brood hunters, her head jerked in all directions to survey her bearings.

“Jidné!”

The girl jolted upon another call of her name, Cal ran up to her and slowly lifted her up.

“Are you okay?”

“I… I don’t know…”

Cal felt the immense tremor across Jidné’s entire body; puzzled, he looked at the direction of the forest where Jidné came out of and had an inkling of what just happened. He escorted her into the Mantis and offered her to a place to rest there.

[callsignbaphomet]

🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊

Y'think thats enough pens? Either way I don't expect you to do somethin for aaaaaaaaaall of em lol

Gsudkblbzysuv hun, this is so beautifully chaotic!

🖋 Ginger's a vampire but both of her dads (Lee Grimm and Glenn Grimm) are werewolves (Mist Walkers). Both are trans men.

🖋 Jelani uses male, neutral or female pronouns. Has no preference to which ones someone should use.

🖋 Trevor knows ASL. His little brother was deaf and in his memory he learned ASL.

🖋 Angelus sorta, kinda had a daughter. Ok tl;dr back in the late 1800s he ran into this little girl that was living in the street and tried to steal some money off him but she got caught. He gave her everything he had on him and then she ran off and he lost track of her. Much later he found her again but this time she was a bit older, like 11 years old. They recognized each other and they both went to get a bite to eat and she told him she ran away from home because her parents were abusive. Obviously coming from a similar background he heavily sympathized but he didn't know the first thing about kids but he still took her in. She grew up, married and had kids of her own and those kids grew up and eventually his adopted daughter (her name was Alice) grew old and died of old age. He kept in contact with his sort of grandkids obviously but as his great grandkids grew older and had families and kids of their own Angelus distanced himself. How the fuck are ya gonna explain your sort of adoptivr great grandfather looks like a 20 year old twink? He's kept an eye out on them as a "friend of the family".

🖋 AJ introduced Angelus, Mahmud, Tre and Madison to his favorite hobby: parkour. The five of them regularly get together to free run in places they think would be both challenging and fun.

🖋 Madison introduced Mahmud, AJ, Tre and Xiomara to spelunking and scuba diving as a hobby.

🖋 Sanaa loves and collects windchimes. So Ingvarr modified an alarm clock to make any chime she puts on it chime whenever she sets the alarm. So instead of some jarring alarm she wakes up to a windchime.

🖋 Angelus has an abnormally high tolerance for pain to the point where he won't react to most injuries. This was due to years of having to learn to control his cries of pain because the more he cried out the harder he'd get beaten.

🖋 Trevor holds the world record for longest confirmed sniper kill. Can't be found in any public record but it's in Oracle records and that's good enough for him.

🖋 Jelani (Loke and Jela's grandad, not J lol) and Subira made a spell called "Bright Light". Basically a faint little orb of light that when cast makes anyone near it calm down. It works for regular nervousness, anxiety, panic attacks, anger and so on. It's one of those beginner type spells that barely requires any energy and it can either hover over the caster's palm or it can be "attached" to an object.

🖋 Sunniva (she was Ingvarr's first wife and the woman who gave birth to Loke) is still alive. After she became pregnant she heavily regretted it so that's why as soon as Loke was born she ran away without telling anyone anything. Loke was always told that she disappeared but honestly speaking he never knew her so he has no attachment to her. To him Sanaa is HIS mother and only her.

🖋 Latoya was what you would consider a sickly kid. Someone in another country sneezed and she got sick. Her colds and flus lasted longer than usual and she was a super skinny little girl. When puberty hit she took up sports and when she was 18 she started lifting weights, blew up in terms of muscle tone and got laser eye surgery. Now she's like Rambo in his prime but pretty.

🖋 Abigail is constantly coloring her hair different colors but her favorite is any hue of green since that's her favorite color. She'll also help and color anyone else's if they ask her for help.

🖋 Ginger and Abigail got married on October 13th. Yes, the wedding had a Victorian goth theme to it. Even though they couldn't eat it the cake was red velvet with black frosting and everything. It almost looked like a funeral 'cause everyone was wearing black. I hope to doodle Ginger and Abby in their wedding dresses someday.

🖋 Haakon had a habit of collecting leaves from different countries he visited and kept them safe. Ingvarr and Jørgen both keep journals with leaves of different countries they've visited. They write down the tree the leaf came from, country where they got it from and date.

🖋 Anette can't drive until she's 21. When she was 14 she took Jelani's car, drove her and a bunch of her friends super late at night in winter (from what I've read driving in Norway during winter is horrible), crashed into another car after she lost control, totalled both Jelani's car and the other car and severely injured some of her friends and the other driver. The funny/not funny part is Jela was planning on giving her that car when she got her license but she totalled it. It was BMW by the way. Fuckin' teenager driving around in a 2 year old Beemer lol.

🖋 Speaking of cars. Grete (Anette's mother and Loke and Jelani's aunt) is horribly afraid of driving. She can't get behind the wheel of a car without freaking out. Anette crashing made the fear 10x worse. She can be in a car as long as she isn't driving and the car isn't going too fast.

🖋 During a visit Anette convinced both her parents and Jelani to let her stay with him during the summer. She also convinced both Leah and Xolani to stay over as well. So for a whole ass summer Jelani had three teenagers staying over as a kind of sleep over vacation. It actually turned out fun in the end, the kids had fun and Anette and her rebellious attitude kinda softened.

🖋 Anette, Xolani and Leah have one defining thing in common. None of them know what to do with the rest of their lives. Thing is Leah is very nervous about it, Xolani is kind of aloof about it and Anette is kinda of frustrated about it. Anette is frustrated which leads her to act out and cause trouble. Xolani just looks like they don't care but they do. Leah is super nervous about it. Another thing they got in common is the three of them tend to look up to Loke and Jelani 'cause they feel both understand them better than their parents do.

🖋 Ginger is kinda very obsessed with portals. She's fascinated by them but also respects them as they are incredibly dangerous and unpredictable. She is basically the only person in the world that managed to control portals even if it's for a short amount of time.

🖋 Shaine got really into explosives when she was just a kid. After an accident with a dozen cherry bombs she was left partially deaf, now has to wear a hearing aid and is the explosives expert.

🖋 Before joining Oracle Katya financed her transition by making fake IDs and passports. She also doxxed corrupt government officials and ransomed vital information she got off them.

🖋 Loke is allergic to bird dandruff but would love to have a pet pigeon. At least he can have dogs which is his other favorite animal. His favorite dog is the pitbull.

🖋 Until he got together with Jelani all of Angelus's previous relationships were short and ended in kind of disaster because he constantly compared them all to Jelani and to him they didn't measure up. He ultimately said no to relationships around the 1930s and just fucked around. Obviously until he got shit faced once and confessed to Jelani he was in love with him and the rest is history.

🖋 Tre is one of the super rare seers that can see and feel visions. He's so sensitive that merely standing in an area with a lot of energy could affect him.

🖋 In Oracle there is a head of the organization and two leaders. Current head is Aleksey with Jelani and Angelus as leaders. There's always three as kind of a callback let's call it to when Oracle was started. Aleksey and two close friends started it so from then on there's always 3 leads. When Aleksey steps down Jelani will be head, Ginger will be the second lead and Angelus is the third lead, however he plans on making Trevor the third lead. The reason is because Angelus is fully aware of what he can and can't do and he knows damn well that he isn't lead of an organization material. When he steps down he'd be the Trickster team leader, that he can handle, and since Trevor left a vacant spot Loke would take that spot.

🖋 There is a place called Kironia. It's theorized to be a sort of epicenter for portal activities. Angelus and Ginger have been tasked with keeping an eye on it but it's shrouded in so much mystery most people don't think it's real.

🖋 Despite the fact that Trevor personally knows a Maker and a goddess (Jade, Latoya's girlfriend) he's still an athiest.

🖋 Trevor didn't have a name growing up, he chose the name Trevor because it sounded pleasant. He took his surname, Ravencroft, from a woman he'd heard of from other Oracle agents. He eventually got to meet Morgana Ravencroft, she thought it was flattering he took her name.

🖋 Speaking of Morgana Ravencroft, Angelus was first introduced to the concept of magic because of her. He went with Trevor to help him with some supplies and after being completely hypnotized by some illusions she gave him a book on the basics and helped him get started.

🖋 Loke stopped aging and it's something of a weird occurrence that is brought up every so often. When he was 28 years old he and Jelani (who was 15 at the time) were delivering some supplies to another village. They ran into bandits and as usual Loke was trying to protect Jelani and in doing so he was fatally wounded. Of course Jelani freaked the fuck out and his "fail safe" kicked in. Jela doesn't remember but Loke does, he saw Jelani change form and after dealing with the bandits he turned his attention to Loke and stopped him from dying. He was rusty as fuck so he put a little more oomph behind it and a tiny portion of his energy slipped into Loke. Neither of them know but Loke is basically kinda frozen in time when it comes to aging. So because of this Loke can't die unless Jelani dies.

🖋 Loke has a black feather that's warm to the touch and small embers can be seen floating out of it. He's never mentioned it to anyone and keeps it close to him. The feather came from Jelani when he changed form to fight off the bandits. After he blacked out and changed back Loke found the feather on the ground. He knew where it came from that's why he kept it. He's never told Jelani about that day because he doesn't know what it means and he thinks telling him would only serve to confuse him further.

🖋 Continuing with Loke, he's your average run of the mill berserker. That means he cannot use magic while in berserker mode or even with his weapons. The only ones that can do that are arcanist berserkers (the Nyota tribe). Sanaa is an arcanist berserker, she can use magic while in berserker mode. However, through years of practice Sanaa managed to teach Loke one spell that her people are really fond of. Falling Stars is a spell that has the user charge a single arrow. The arrow is shot upwards and as soon as it reaches high enough it splits into hundreds of arrows that rain down on the target. Loke started practicing when he was 8 years old and by the age of 30 he managed to pull it off making him the first berserker to use magic.

🖋 Jelani and Leah are two of the extremely rare and fortunate people that have gone through a portal and have returned. Whether their return was sheer luck or the fact that he's a Maker is something I'll elaborate on later.

🖋 Haakon knew Jelani wasn't a berserker. Haakon himself had a feeling that his grandson was something far more, if that makes sense. The day Jela was born Haakon had a dream but instead of fear he just felt an insurmountable amount of wonder. He's only ever told his wife, Eli, who in turn believed him. Both always made sure Jela didn't feel out of place and Haakon frequently encouraged him.

[redsamuraiii]

Ultraman Fan Fic

An excerpt from a chapter of my fan fic draft novel which I’ve been writing since June during my spare time, bringing the lovable Ultraman characters from 1966 to 2020.

Chapter 3 Present Day Kyoto, Japan

It is a cold December night in Kyoto, the ancient capital of Japan. The temple gardens are gently illuminated, the low light spinning a mysterious yarn across the silhouetted pines and chimerical bamboo groves. Just a few minutes away, the entertainment district of Gion is bustling with the energy of excitable tourists, drunken businessmen and attentive geisha. But here, up a narrow, sloping road on the eastern edge of the city, Shin Hayata have found stillness. He looks at the fallen leaves around him, thinking that a week from now, the branches of those tress will be bare and a month later, perhaps cloaked in white snow.

As he got lost in his thoughts to the night of the crash which he somehow survived, someone called out to him in a distant. A feminine voice calling out his name.

“Hayata…! Hayata!”

It’s his partner, Akiko Fuji, of the Science Patrol Division (SPD). Dressed in her orange suit uniform that is hugging her slim figure, wearing a white helmet covering her shoulder length wavy hair, with her youthful face visible through the transparent visor and her sparkling eyes reflecting her spirited nature, gazing his.

“HAYATA! I’ve been calling your name a dozen times!”

Hayata blushed, feeling embarrassed that he was caught off guard staring into nothingness while everyone around him are busy enjoying the festivities, talking, eating, drinking and laughing.

“You MUST try this shrimp tempura! It’s the best I’ve ever eaten since Nagasaki! It’s so warm and crispy! Everything about it is just about right! Oh! And don’t make me start on how deliciously spicy the sauce is!”

Hayata smiled, looking at her. That’s Fuji, for you. Always lively and full of spirits when it comes to food. He gazed at the small basket of tempura she was holding in one hand and the sauce cup in the other. He lifted his visor to smell the sweet aroma before grasping his hands on one of the tempura and gently sip it in the sauce before savoring it. And true enough, his facial expression betrays him.

“SEE! I TOLD YOU!”

She exclaimed excitedly like a five year old enjoying her first candy bar as Hayata watched and chuckled.

“You do have a knack for good food, Fuji! How in the world do you know there are such delights around here?”

She stopped eating halfway as if thinking about it.

“It’s my nose, you see! They can smell it all the way from Tokyo!”

Hayata had to laugh at that as he takes another bite.

“It’s a pity, the others are not here!”

She said as she continue munching the tempura and licking her fingers.

“If they were, I’d imagined Ide and Arashi will be squabbling over it instead of eating it.”

This time it was Fuji who laughed out loud, imagining her team members squabbling over shrimp tempura.

“Captain Muramatsu will probably steal it from them quietly while they’re squabbling over it.”

She said, laughing as she wipes away a sauce stuck on her right lips.

Suddenly, they stopped laughing as their voices were drowned by the noises surrounding them.

Fuji changed her tone of her voice as she glanced at Hayata with more seriousness now.

“Are you, okay?”

Hayata raised his eyebrows wondering where did that come from and smiled reassuringly at her.

“Never been better!”

“Oh, come on, Hayata! I saw your looks earlier, it’s like you’re caught somewhere in time!”

Hayata nodded not denying it as he continue looking around him at the people enjoying the festival.

“Just thinking what happened here five years ago and how fast we got over it.”

Fuji followed his gaze to the people around them.

“I guess it’s in our nature to be able to adapt.”

They leaned their backs against their parked patrol car as they continued eating tempura.

“You still think about that night?”

She inquired.

“Sometimes. Wondering why it happened. You?”

“I’m past wondering why it happened. I’m just wondering what will happen next.”

Hayata nodded as he considers her statement. Ever since Baltan appeared, several other aliens started appearing as well. It is not clear if Baltan is the one to lead them here or Baltan’s discovery of Earth brought the attention of these other extra-terresterial creatures here. One thing for certain, they will never be short of visitors and even though many seems to be adjusting well to this new life of normalcy, Hayata, still feels uncomfortable living in this new era, knowing fully well there are extra-terresterial beings living among them and not knowing whether they are harmless or dangerous, further adds up to his anxieties.

Baltan was last spotted at Lake Biwa, just north of Kyoto in Shiga Prefecture and recently there are rumors of its sightings in the lake. So the Captain has dispatched Hayata and Fuji to investigate and report any discoveries to determine if the rest of the team are needed to assist as they are constantly on alert for any other alien incursion elsewhere across the country. It is for this reason that the SPD has their own VTOL and STOL jets for fast travels but the weather forecast of an impending winter blizzard prompts Hayata and Fuji to travel on their six-seater all-weather-all-terrain patrol jeep instead.

Part of Hayata misses flying but part of him is relieved that he has an excuse not to fly as deep down he is still traumatized by that crash where he was certain that he would died. The darkness of the night illuminated by the explosion of his right wing and his inability to eject from his jet due to some technical issue as it plummeted down to the dark ocean beneath the colossal creature hovering over him like a demonic creature from a child’s nightmare. Again, his thoughts was disrupted by the jeep’s radio buzzing, indicating an incoming transmission from headquarters. Few seconds later, the gentle sound of Captain Muramatsu can be heard.

“Hayata. Fuji. Are you there?”

“I’ll get it.”

Fuji said as she shoved the tempura and sauce to Hayata who is struggling with his hands full.

“Yes, Captain. Fuji here.”

“Ah, Fuji. I’m afraid we have a new case developing.”

Fuji exchanged knowing looks with Hayata at this as he placed the food on the hood of the car and brushes off his hands to go closer to Fuji.

“Captain, Hayata here. What’s happening?”

“Hayata. It seems that there are reports of a Yuki Onna, just north of your current location.”

Fuji seems perplexed, not by the mere fact of a Yokai from a Japanese folklore actually coming to life but the question as to what does it got to do with the SPD? It seems of late that they’ve been investigating more paranormal cases than those of extra-terrestrials beings. Even the number of alien attacks have been decreasing, which makes the people more comfortable and complacent. People no longer regard the SPD with much seriousness like they used to during the early years of alien incursions but treat them as some “ghost hunting” team that always get called upon every time something unexplained comes up that the local enforcement are not willing to spend their time and manpower on, much less, the military. Not that she’s complaining but still. Judging by the looks of Hayata, she could tell he’s pretty much thinking along the same line as her as he listen intently to the Captain’s orders.

“It’s at Kunizakai Kogen Snow Park. It’s a small ski hill located in Takashima City in the northern area of Shiga Prefecture, just north-west of Kyoto, across Lake Biwa.”

Hayata took out his tablet to study the map and get a bearing of their current location as Fuji looks on curiously at his side. He looks at his digital watch making a mental calculation of their journey.

“80km. About an hour drive from here or so. Right.”

“Hm. Since you’re both are near, I’m sending you two. It could be another false alarm but it could also have a connection with Baltan that disappeared at Lake Biwa five years ago. Could be coincidental or could be linked, which is why I want you to investigate it immediately. Report back if you discover any anomalies. Ide and Arashi are on stand-by if you need assistance.”

“Roger that, Captain.”

“Hm. Take care. Muramatsu out.”

“Well, there it is.”

“Hayata, look! It’s snowing!”

“Already? I didn’t expect a snow till three weeks from now at least.”

“Oh, it’s so beautiful!”

Fuji’s pure heart never fails to amaze and amuse him.

“We just learned about a Yuki Onna, and you’re more fascinated by snow?”

“Don’t make me throw a snowball at you, Hayata!”

Hayata chuckled as he gets into the driver’s seat as Fuji takes the remaining tempura left behind on the car hood with her. She stood at the car door left ajar for a minute as she marvels at the snowflakes falling down gracefully from the white sky. She takes one last breath of fresh air as she steps into the car to sit beside Hayata, who ignites the car’s engine and hits the pedal to move off through the crowded streets of Gion.

[loveylangdon]

Fallin all in you

Requested: can you do something about Shawn dating one of his friend's sisters?

Word count: 3.8k+

A/N: okay I changed this a bit because I liked this idea or twist I put on it. however, posting this took so long because I originally filled this request with it being Connors older sister If you want me to post the one with Connor lmk but I fell in love with this version more. Thank you for requesting I adore you @r3ader

Masterlist

*not my gif credit to owner*

y/n p.o.v

Walking down the hallway you feel someone pull on your arm dragging you into a nearby room letting out a little yelp at the sudden movement and change in direction you put your hand on the door frame balancing yourself looking to find who disrupted your trek to the green room 

Looking up surprised seeing Shawn blushing with a smile on his face 

“Hi” he whispers softly looking down at you 

“Shawn what the hell,” you ask chuckling looking around noticing your in an empty what appears to be an unused green room 

“I missed you” he shrugs his shoulders and leads you into the room farther closing the door behind you hands intertwined

“Shawn we can’t do this right now” you laugh at the cute pout on his face, you’re standing in front of him and he’s holding both of your elbows lightly holding you in place as if he’s afraid of you walking out which you could never do. 

He lets out a whine and dips his head to be eye level with you before moving his hands to cup your cheeks “You’re walking around here looking all cute and smiley I just wanted a kiss” he speaks out as he closes the space between you two catching your lips in his. 

Melting into it you can't help but smile until you feel Shawn bite your lip causing you to part your mouth in a moan allowing him to explore your mouth. Moving your hands behind his head into his curls holding him closer if possible. You pressed to his front adding a little more pressure he starts groaning and pulls away for a breath. Leaving you to laugh at his swollen lips, messy curls, and pink cheeks imagining how both of you probably looked fucked from a simple lazy Makeout. 

“Don’t laugh I missed you” Shawn pouts at you while you lean up and place another kiss on his lips which he smiles into “You missed me too eh” he laughs pulling away as you groan at the loss, looping your fingers through the belt loops in his jeans so he can’t go too far as you bite your lip up at him  

“I have to find-” your thought interrupted by his phone ringing in his back pocket 

“Shit” he hisses and pulls the phone out muting the call so the ringtone can’t be heard from outside glancing in the direction of the door you guys came through 

Chuckling you look at the caller ID its Brian 

“Answer it rockstar” you tease as you slip your hand into his back pocket as he throws his arm over your shoulder holding you into his chest 

Smiling at the thought these secret rendezvous, hallway shenanigans before shows, lazy make-out sessions in backrooms it was all thrilling, cute and fun. Joining a tour with your best friend had you over the moon but never did you think you would get a cute guy out of it let alone the one and only Canadian heartthrob. After joining the tour for 3 months Shawn took a liking to you and always tried to be where you were. Him and his friends constantly crashing whatever plans you made with yours. After a while, it didn’t take long for the pair of you to you two sneak into broom closets and find yourself under the sheets in hotel rooms trying not to get caught. 

Your thoughts are interrupted when Shawn pokes your cheek, not even realizing his phone call ended he chuckled “Am I that unamusing you can’t pay attention to a five minute phone call I have” he jokes 

“mm regardless I was thinking about you Mendes don’t get too big headed now” you joke right back at him as you capture his lips in a kiss again letting out a sigh of content until he pulls away 

“Alessia is looking for you apparently you left your phone in the green room and she can’t find you” he smirks down at you 

“Oh I wonder why she can’t rockstar” you pull away from him and it's his turn to groan 

“No I just got you in here I was waiting like a good 25 minutes” he pouts down at you 

“Oh my god you were waiting in here by yourself for how long” you question trying not to giggle 

“Stop” he lets out whining “It was cute in my head, kind of like those hide in the closet to scare your significant other videos” he follows you out of the room wrapping his arms around your waist, chin resting on your shoulder 

“Significant other videos huh?” You look at him before he hides his face in your neck feeling his face heat up. 

You’re about to tease him some more when you hear footsteps and Shawn breaks away quickly stumbling on his feet making you let out a laugh as he glares at you just as Connor walks in 

“y/n oh hey!” He waves at you and then notices Shawn holding onto the wall “Bro what happened” he’s chuckling as Shawn glares at both of you 

“He tripped over his ginormous legs” you giggle excusing yourself to go find Alessia 

Walking down the hall, you're about to enter Alessia’s green room until you hear her and someone talking 

“I don’t know y/n seems different do you think she’s sleeping with someone on the team” you hear Alessia ask as you tense up 

You never meant to keep whatever was happening to you and Shawn from her but there wasn’t much to tell. You guys were just having fun. You know how she felt about Shawn, for the first couple months of the tour they were inseparable she fell quickly before deciding it wasn’t a good idea and Shawn told her he saw her as nothing more than an older sister. It crushed her but not in a bad way she soon realized it was just being on the road and not having someone to share it with. Being in a close space for so many days there's only so many guys that she can choose to be around and she misinterpreted her feelings for Shawn. She was actually way more into Brian anyways but was too scared to admit it. 

“I mean maybe she’s just homesick you know how she gets, this is her first tour and we’re best friends if she was she would tell us” you hear Liv chiming in to reassure her

Alessia couldn’t be on the road without anyone for long, she always insisted that the next tour she would do solo but it never ended up that way. Going solo lasted 3 months and within the first break, she asked you and Liv to join her for the rest of the tour all the way through the NA leg. All expenses paid and maybe even a job opportunity here and there helping with odds an end things. You and Liv automatically agreed already having been packed just waiting for her to say when. 

“Have you noticed Shawn acting weird too, I mean before he couldn’t not be around and now he’s hardly ever-” you hear Alessia starts but is cut off by Liv 

“Les if she was sleeping with Shawn which I don’t think she is, she would tell us okay. y/n isn’t one to keep secrets. Even if she was would it be a bad thing?” Liv asks as you take in a breathe waiting for Alessia’s answer 

“I mean-” Alessia starts off but you couldn’t bear to hear how disappointed in you she would be so you walked into the room 

“I got lost again, I don’t know how you do it, Les, these places are a maze” you sigh plopping yourself onto the couch next to Alessia cuddling into her side 

“Ahh we were looking for you, I figured you got lost again so I had Brian call around to see if anyone found you” she smiles and wraps her arms around you as Liv comes to join on the couch. “What would I do without my favorite two girls with me” She sighs 

—

Alessia was singing Out of Love, the most heart-tugging song on her setlist at least to me. Me and Liv decided to watch side stage tonight so here we were holding each other and belting the words out as loud as we could. No one could hear us let alone see us except those on stage and with Alessia totally engrossed in the song paying no mind to anything around her we were in our own little world.

In the middle of the song, Liv was called by Brian to go help with something in the booth doing some odd and end work here and there we were both learning how to do every little job on the crew. It was fun to learn and be of help but not in the middle of your best friends set, where Liv didn’t mind because she’s toured with Les before she didn’t mind the disruption more than happy to help.

You felt a larger body wrap their arms around your shoulders from behind already knowing who it was you grabbed their wrists and leaned back. Moving in the same motion you and Liv were previously. You felt Shawn lower his head and whisper the words into your ear giving you chills and making your heart flutter.

Over the speakers fading out of the song, you heard a camera go off, looking over Connor peaked his head over the lens of his film camera taking photos of you and Shawn. Grabbing Alessia’s attention before the loud bass came back on Connor moved you and Shawn so Shawn’s back was facing Alessia and took a picture of her looking at you guys funny. 

When Connor walked away you expected Shawn to follow thinking they just needed some B roll for his tour diaries. He stayed and even when Liv came back he wrapped both of you guys’ in his arms and into his chest swaying back and forth with both of you before he had to get ready to go onstage. 

After Alessia walked off you and Liv followed her into the dressing room Alessia closing the door on Brian before he could walk in and tell her what a great job she did after every show. Leaving you confused. 

“Are you and Shawn dating” Alessia turned to you asking 

You couldn’t read her expression or emotions and it scared you, she was building her walls back up you looked to Liv for help but she looked away

“Les no, we’re not,” you told her and honestly it was the truth you and Shawn never said explicitly you were dating 

“But you are? Though right? If I go out there and ask him right now what will he say?” She asked with no emotion in her tone 

“Les,” you started but she opened the door facing a confused Brian and started walking down the hall to where Shawn was. Looking at Liv for help 

“Well follow her y/n” she ushered you out of the room “Are you two dating?” She asked looking at you skeptically 

“Liv no we’re not, I would’ve told you guys” you groan jogging after Alessia, Liv and a confused Brian following 

Stopping abruptly you see Alessia just got to Shawn who was looking in a mirror fixing his “makeup” Connor recording him Alessia tapped Shawns shoulder making him turn around confused

“Connor turn the camera off,” Alessia told him giving him a look that made him almost drop his camera 

You guys were in an alcove under the stage a very small alcove might you add it was crowded for seven people. Shawn had to crouch down to even fit and Cez sitting at his desk confused. 

Trying to squeeze past everyone to get to Alessia was hard but you managed to make it over to her. Shawn saw you and his eyes lit up at the sight of you, which didn’t go unnoticed by Alessia who’s eyes widened too reminding her why she came down here in the first place she went to open her mouth when you put your hand over it muffling her words and with the screaming of fans Shawn couldn’t hear her. 

Holding your hand over Alessia’s mouth, “Les not now” you spoke to her and looked up at Shawn who was smiling. She started shaking her head in an attempt to let you let go but you were holding her hands as well. you tried to walk backward with her Connor recording again finding the whole thing amusing with such a tight space it proved difficult. 

Brian came up and picked up Alessia like she weighed nothing and slung her over his shoulder causing Liv and Shawn to let out a belly laugh hesitantly you removed your hand thinking Brian was going to take her back to the green room.

With Alessia’s mouth no longer being covered she let out a scream that had you guys all covering your ears as her eyes went wide and blush rose to her already rosy cheeks as the crowd got louder stopping Brian in his tracks and making him look at her

“My bad” she got soft “I didn’t think y/n was going to let go of my mouth” she spoke at you, still on Brians's shoulder making everyone laugh 

“Shawn you need to get in position” Cez spoke to him making him put his in ears 

“Mendes,” Alessia started pointing at him “We need to have a serious talk” she spoke out towards him with a look that made the color drain from his face, causing Connor and Cez to laugh and you and Liv to put your head in your hands groaning. How was such a small girl so intimidating. Brian took her away in the direction of the green room with Liv trailing behind laughing at Brian pretending to drop her. 

Shawn turned to you quickly looked around and planted a soft kiss on your lips after making sure no one was looking. He smiled down at you and walked down the alcove onto the stairway to take him to the stage as the beginning of lost in Japan started playing. 

Standing there frozen with rosy cheeks at the sudden act of affection, Cez cleared his throat breaking you from your thoughts 

“So that's new” Cez started “Is that why Alessia came down here ready to cause hell” he asked with a small amused smile on his face, causing yours to heat up “You don’t have to tell me, but you should tell Alessia whatever it is that's happening between you two, She’s looking out for you, you’re her responsibility as silly as that sounds I’ve never seen someone go into mother bear mode so quickly” he laughed again “go talk to her I won’t say anything” he smiled turning around again to face the monitors back facing you. 

Turning around you made your way into the green room peaking your head in “Are you done being a psycho Les can we go watch the show now” you chuckle seeing her on the floor cuddled with Brian and Liv 

“We sleep now, show later” she spoke out opening her arms for you to join which you did. 

---

You guys slept halfway through Shawns set waking up just in time for bstage your favorite part. Making your way over to the corridor adjacent to his piano you were joined by Alessia and Liv Brian having to go help Connor with his camera’s it was just you girls. 

Hearing the chords to “When you’re ready” on the piano fills the room you couldn’t help but let out a big smile, the song was so pretty and seeing the whole arena light up was something out of a book. Seeing Shawn perform on stage was a dream in itself he was made to do this. 

Holding onto Liv and Alessia you didn’t even notice Shawn staring right at you while he was singing. Alessia hit your shoulder breaking you out of your little trance. Looking over at Shawn he smirked and sent you a wink not breaking eye contact which resulted in Liv letting out a squeal which he chuckled at. He finished his little melody and went into like to be you leaving you and the girls screaming the words at the top of your lungs.

When his little guitar solo started Alessia pulled you closer to her, her arm thrown over your shoulder “I know you guys are sleeping together” she spoke into your ear causing you to back up and look at her with wide eyes before she pulled you back to her “Brian told me” she let out a small smile shrugging her shoulders, her eyes showing admiration. She pulls you back in “He really likes you, you know. Brian said he doesn’t shut up about you” you pulled away again looking wide-eyed 

“Les” you started 

“No look at him” she nudges you to look at Shawn who is looking at you already singing straight at you and when you caught him he quickly looked away as if he was caught leaving him blushing. “He likes you” she squeezed your shoulders “You should’ve told me y/n I love you like a sister I just want you to be happy, clearly he makes you happy I don’t know how I'm just seeing it. I support whatever this is, even if this is just a friend with benefits thing which he would be a fucking idiot to do, I am there for you 100% okay” she looked at you and you felt your heart burst 

Pulling her into a hug she hugged you back with more force. She was really your best friend. 

Ruin started playing and you heard Liv over the guitar 

“Shawn got a starring problem or something he keeps looking over here,” Liv asked chuckling and nudging you both causing you and Alessia to laugh.  

After ruin ended you three headed back down the corridor not wanting to get run over by Shawn or Connor who runs back to the MainStage through the crowd from bstage. To your surprise you heard footsteps following you three, breaking apart from each other wanting to make room for Shawn and Connor you felt someone collide with your back bringing you into a big hug from behind. 

Squealing at the sudden movement and sweaty body now sticking to you you heard Alessia and Liv burst into laughter at your attempt to steady yourself from falling to the ground at the sudden impact. 

Turning your head around to look at Shawn you see him smiling from ear to ear his eyes lit up before you noticed he leaned in and captured your lips in a kiss hearing a gasp come from the girls and Connor who let out “I knew it”

Shawn pulled away chuckling, “Brian told me he told Alessia” he looked over to Alessia  giving her an accusatory glance raising an eyebrow 

“And what about it Mendes, taking my girl from me after I open your show as a favor” she jokes but looks at him seriously

“Sorry we didn’t tell you Les but she’s stubborn and wouldn’t agree to be my official girlfriend” he squeezed you as you glared at him “She wouldn’t even agree to go on a date with me because there's nothing to tell if we don’t” he mocked you joking and laughed looking at Alessia “but now that Alessia knows y/n be my girlfriend please if you say no you just make me look like a creep staring at you through an entire set” he chuckles pushing his hair out of his face 

“mm ill think about it you joke” finally making your way to the MainStage and he stops in his tracks and groans 

“no, you’re supposed to say yes” he whines which causes you all to laugh 

“fine yes ill be your girlfriend now go before Cez kills you” you push him towards the stage but not before he can pull you into another kiss earning hollering from your friends around you.

He starts to walk back under the alcove but before he disappears he shouts “Alessia y/n is going to be on my bus now ha” he jokes and turns around 

“In your dreams Mendes we still need to have a serious talk” she shouts back at him but louder and seriously which causes him to turn around quickly with wide eyes causing everyone to burst into laughter again before Cez pushes a guitar into his chest and shoves him up the stairs.

Alessia slings her arm over your shoulder “Ha he thinks he can take my girls away from me, over my dead body” she jokes grabbing onto Liv too 

“Damn who am I suppose to date now if y/n has Shawn and Les has Brian” Liv pouts looking at you two 

“I have who now?” Alessia’s eyes go big causing us to hit her she’s about to protest when Brian walks down the hall towards us

“Ready Alessia?” He asks causing me and Liv to nudge her 

“Where are you taking her” I ask smirking at them two 

“oh” Brian starts but his face heats up “We were gonna go get food before we have to get back to the busses and it gets impossible to leave” he lets out scratching the back of his head 

“hmm okay I’ll allow it, this time” I joke as I see them both roll their eyes and walk out the main corridor to the green rooms and the back entrance

“Guess it's just me and you Liv” you sigh holding onto her making your way back out to the crowd 

“So Shawn?” She wiggles her eyebrows towards you as you push her face away with your hand 

Walking back out to the main stage Shawn makes eye contact once again sending a wink in your direction causing Liv to squeal and Shawn to laugh. Pulling her into a hug to shut her up.

The chords to fallin’ all in you begins to start and you grab Liv to slow dance with. As soon as Shawn finishes his little speech you and Liv are rocking side to side with his melodic voice in the background when you feel another body collide into you two. Alessia came back but changed into new clothes smiling from ear to ear putting her arms over the both of you. All three of you swaying back in forth singing to each other. 

“You think I would leave my girls for the most romantic song during his set” she beams at you two “I love you guys” she kisses both of you on the cheek as you guys turn to watch Shawn staring at you three with a twinkle in his eye 

This was your happy place you and your girls together supporting each other for everything. 

--- 

A/N: thank you for being patient and for reading don’t forget to like and reblog or leave comments below again sorry this took so long I originally filed this request with Connor but I liked this version more. lmk if you want to see the original request but with Connor Xx

[im-not-a-joke]

tell me about ALL of them. plz and thank you

ok so im doing character bios for all of them, thank you for asking

Brody (he/him)

- left-handed

- president of the chess club

- he pretends to be a huge nerd but he’s really not, he just likes the logic of chess and finds it grounding to have something to think about

- he stress picks at his nails and has a moderate anxiety disorder

- ids as panromantic demisexual

- he’s also a beanpole and a pole vault master

- he had his “oh shit im not straight” moment at 8 years old, and it was less “oh shit im not straight” and more “theres a cute boy and i want to rant to my moms about him!!!”

- he also has 2 moms

- he was the last one to be like “hey,,, i like all of you” and the other three were relieved that they didn’t have to awkwardly ask another person out

- he also plays trombone and caden loves it

- he’s the common sense that the chaos trio needs

- “you can’t do that, you’ll get caught, instead you should do it like this”

- best buds with jack

Piper (she/her)

- piper is ambidextrous and loves to brag about it constantly

- she plays rugby and she’s really good

- she pretends to be a jock type but is actually a huge nerd

- used to id as lesbian, but the caden came out as enby and she also started dating brody as well as mallory so she’s been in an identity crisis ever since

- she likes order and not having a label that she likes really stresses her out

- so she just goes with queer, but she still sometimes stays up until 3 am crying over not having a definite label, and fears it makes her not valid

- she was the one who originally brought up wanting to try a poly relationship to caden

- an absolute math whiz

- also cannot drive

- her parents are confused but supportive heteros (tm) and like to ask her how her partners are doing even if they don’t understand their relationship

- she plays the guitar and banjo and mallory and caden laugh at her constantly for it

- she likes to pretend she’s not in the chaos trio but she is

Mallory (she/her)

- she’s right handed, and only writes in cursive (it drives brody crazy)

- a bi icon

- she loves making clothes and then having her partners model them for her

- she drags piper with her on thrifting trips because piper can do math and mallory can’t

- but! she’s really good at writing and likes to write poetry and short stories

- she’s sarcastic until you get to know her and then she’s a huge softie

- she’s got social anxiety and people scare here, it’s a defense mechanism

- part of the chaotic trio because she loves piper and caden

- she’s very physically affectionate and is always clinging to someone, usually brody because it helps with his anxiety

- her favorite show is “i am not okay with this” because she sees a lot of herself in dina and also wyatt oleff exists

- pretends to be a theater nerd but she knows like, 3 songs off the heathers soundtrack because she has a big gay crush on barrett wilbert weed

- can drive! usually the driver whenever the four of them go anywhere together

- she’s got a twin named jack and theyre buds

- she’s not out but only barely

- and it’s not because her parents are homophobic, her brother is trans, but she just never mentions it

- she is the type to write her partners love letters and mail them when she could just text or call them instead

- but everyone loves her for it

Caden (they/them)

- right handed, but you really can’t tell a difference because their handwriting is so sloppy

- disaster pansexual

- chaos incarnate

- “wHaTs In YoUr PaNtS???” “chaos” - mallory, brody, and piper all at the same time

- the reason the chaotic trio exists

- really insecure but hides it behind jokes

- when they make a lot of jokes, their partners sit them down to talk

- craves validation

- not as bad a driver as piper but still can’t really drive

- they are the one that really knows how to help brody, so they give him a lot of attention

- really smitten with all of their partners

- the kind of person to make playlists and pick up random objects for people they love

- “brody!!!! i saw this really neat seashell and thought of you!!!” “piper!!! i got you more colorful bottles to put on your windowsill!!!” “mallory!!!! i made you this playlist of songs that made me think of you!!!!”

- an absolute sweetheart

- all of their partners would kick your ass if you insulted them

- but you really should be afraid of them

- they will commit a crime if they hear you talking bad about any of the people they love

[lailannajacobs]

Empire of Angels | Part One

Pairing: Bucky x ofc!Amelie Novak

Summary: Amelie Novak moved from New York to Boston to escape a shitty ex and to get a killer story. She just didn’t realize she’d meant that literally. 

Warnings: none! 

Word Count: 4.5k

A/N: Technically this part has already been published under a different name, but it’s been seriously editied and changed with parts added so it’s quite different? Anyways, I’d love to know what you think! <3

Empire of Angels | Part One

“I need someone to go after ex-sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. You ever heard of him, Novak?”

Amelie nodded, but her boss Cary, kept going as if she hadn’t. Typical. It wasn’t like he took her any more seriously than an intern.

“He’s ex-military. Defected five years ago and has been working as a hitman ever since. I’m sure you must have heard of him. If the cops are right, then he’s to blame for over a dozen high profile kills since. I got a source telling me he’s in Boston, ���bout to hit his next target. I want you to find him and get me killer story before anyone else even thinks about it. And before you say a thing, I know you’re a reporter, not a cop. But this could be huge for the Globe and I need someone on this.”

Like hell she would say anything. Cary was finally giving her a real story. When Amelie had moved - more precisely, run away - to Boston looking for a change, she hadn’t expected to get sidelined. She was a damned good reporter and everyone at the Times knew she was good at her job. So like hell she’d say a thing and ruin her chance at proving to her new employer that she was the best he had.

“Do you know who the intended target is?” She kept her voice clipped, professional like his favourite boys did.

Cary shook his head, “My source wouldn’t say. But I need to know you’re okay with this, Novak. He’s dangerous and cunning, practically a ghost. I don’t want you walking into this expecting peaches and roses like the rest of the stories you cover.”

Amelie almost mentioned that the reason all her other stories had been peaches and roses was because he wouldn’t let her cover anything hard hitting, but nodded instead, afraid to look anything other than absolutely capable.

“It’s no problem. This will be my number one priority. I won’t let you down,” She promised with conviction.

With a curt nod, he waved her out of the office, apparently satisfied. Amelie could barely contain her excitement, and purposefully slowed her walk toward the conference room door. Her curiosity got the best of her before she could walk out.

Glancing over her shoulder as nonchalantly as possible, she asked, “Why me?”

He kept his gaze on the papers he was now leafing through, “They told me when I hired you, that your biggest asset as a reporter is that you’re constantly being underestimated. I figured the best way to get to him was to send someone like you,” He paused and looked up at her, “Am I wrong?”

She shook her head.

“Didn’t think so. Now get to it, Novak. Somehow I doubt he’ll be here for long.”

Amelie left the conference room, unable to wipe the smile from her lips, ignoring the curious looks from her coworkers.

Staring at the computer screen, Amelie finally understood why Cary had sent her after such an important and dangerous story. The dozens of articles she had found on Barnes made it clear that this story Cary wanted her to cover wasn’t something he expected her to succeed at. He didn’t expect anyone to find Barnes at all and hadn’t been about to waste one of his better employees on a fruitless task. She didn’t care. Cary had finally given her a story worth covering and she was sure as hell going to get it done, even if her first thought had been that the police, FBI or even a PI would have been better suited for the job. There was no way she’d turn the job down now. Not when there was no way she could lose. If she got the story, she’d be bringing in one of the biggest stories the Globe had seen in years. If she failed, well, no one expected her to succeed anyways.

Her research on Barnes - otherwise known as the Winter Soldier - had led her to two conclusions. He was extremely dangerous, and he was extremely talented at what he did. And what he did, was take out criminals before anyone even knew that’s what they were. The hit would lead to an investigation, which would then lead to the exposure of skeletons no one knew were hiding in the deceased’s closet. His MO didn’t make any of his vigilante kills any less of a crime, it only meant that getting the story before anyone else would be huge for her and probably save a life in the process. All Amelie had to do was find the scumbag Barnes was targeting before her little hitman found him first.

Get a story, save a life, put an asshat in jail, get promoted. All in that order. That simple.

The problem - the biggest one at the moment - was that no one was able to figure out who Barnes’ next target would be before the body dropped. The deaths appeared random, but she knew it couldn’t be. Anyone who worked as meticulously as the Winter Soldier did had to have a process. Figuring it out would be the key to her success.

Amelie had reached out to other reporters across the country, including an old friend from the Times who had covered the deaths accredited to Barnes, but all anyone could say was that he was ghost.

So, the other major problem was finding him.

But that’s where she came in.

Finding people was something she had always been good at. Although she had never figured out how exactly, Amelie had an uncanny ability to be at the right place at the right time. Trusting that gut feeling had never steered her wrong in the past, and she wasn’t about to doubt it now. Any reporter could follow up on a lead and dig up dirt. But not every reporter had her instincts. Amelie had to believe that it was what was going to put her ahead of the dozen or so journalists who had gone up against the Winter Soldier in the past.

Her printer spat out a photo of the sergeant’s military ID, the most recent photograph she could find of him. She didn’t doubt he looked nothing like the picture. The cropped dark hair and clean-shaven face were probably long gone, and she had to assume that, like the security cameras unable to get a clear image of him, she wouldn’t recognize the man from the picture. The only saving grace was that she had never seen ocean coloured eyes so striking, even on a low quality, home printed scrap piece of paper. She figured she’d recognize them if - when - she met his gaze.

The military uniform and crooked grin seemed at odds with the infamous hitman she was hunting, but Amelie knew that dangerous men came in all shapes and sizes. The facts were that this man had killed almost a dozen high profile businessmen and politicians in the past five years and that each hit was in a largely public area, creating mass chaos, which was, if she had to guess, his escape route.

Scoping out Boston’s most popular public areas was where she would start. Tomorrow. She wouldn’t be able to find him running on half a muffin she’d had for supper and little to no sleep. Resting and getting her things in order was her priority. Tomorrow it would be the Winter Soldier.

* * * * *

Amelie wandered through Quincy Market among families decked out in Celtic’s green, ready for the night’s big game against the Raptors. The town square was alive with laughter and shouting, one of the last warm, autumn days brightening everyone’s mood. She let herself get stopped by tourists asking for directions, wandered into a coffee shop and popped into gift shops, looking to send her New York friends and family a little sign that she was adapting to just fine. No one had really understood her move from the New York Times to the Boston Globe, but then again, none of them had dated Brian for as long as she had. The only exception had wished her well and sent her off with an understanding smile. One of these trinkets was for them.

Every ball cap in sight caught her attention, though none hid incredible blue eyes under the lid. It was a gamble on her part to assume that he’d be wearing one, but the best way to get through a crowd, antsy for tonight’s game, was to blend in. And judging by the amount of ball caps in her five-foot radius alone, the odds were in her favour that she’d find him under one. Her instincts had gotten her this far. She wasn’t about to start doubting them during what was probably the most important story of her career.

Before she could decide where to wander to next, she was thrown to the ground, pain searing through her wrists. Where the hell that basketball had come from was beyond her, and she pushed herself back up, wincing as the assailant rolled away.

“I’m so sorry miss, are you all right?”

Amelie took in a deep breath and forced a cheery laugh, “I’m fine. Happens to the best of us. Let’s just hope none of that happens to our team tonight, right?”

The washed-out looking man in a stretched thin jersey picked up the ball and handed it back to his son. The man smiled, most likely pleased by her kind smile, cheery attitude and the fact that she wasn’t chewing his son out for his pathetic aim. They always were. Nice was usually seen as a weakness. Nice was never looked at twice. But underestimated and forgotten were some of the reason Amelie was able to do her job so well.

He finished with another apology and a slightly creepy wink before whisking his son away. She wanted to roll her eyes but kept her well practice act in place, keeping her gaze trained on them as they wandered through the crowd. That was when she spotted someone far more important behind them. The cap, which was what had immediately caught her attention, was a dumb choice on his part. The navy colour only brought out his eyes, which had made him that much easier to spot.

Amelie grinned.

It was time to pay her little hitman a visit.

She wove through the crowd with purpose, keeping an eye on her target. Stalking him wouldn’t do any good. She could do that later if need be. Right now, he was probably hyper aware of people trying to tail him, and less wary of people actually trying to talk to him. The latter was exactly what she planned on doing.

Amelie knew she shouldn’t have been feeling anything other than fear, but this was what she had come to Boston for. A fresh start and a killer story. All she could feel was the adrenaline coursing through her veins, her senses coming alive. It didn’t matter that she was tailing an accomplished hitman. She was damn good at her job. She could do this.

When she got close enough, she tapped on his shoulder, “Hi! I’m a reporter from the Globe’s sports section and we’re conducting a survey to see who’s watching the game tonight and where. Mind if I ask you a couple questions?”

He turned around, brows furrowed, and eyes narrowed as if surprised to have been spotted in the first place.

“No,” He answered gruffly, striding off.

Amelie hurried after him, “Technically no means you don’t mind!”

He kept walking.

“Please,” She begged, “I’m never going to be taken seriously if I can’t even get this silly task done. I, like, really, really, really want to be promoted to fashion. I’m sooo done with sports. Please, can you just answer this one tiny little question for me?”

He sighed, but thankfully stopped, “If you want to be taken seriously then lose the ditsy attitude.”

Rude.

“I’m asking you a question, not asking you to act like an as-” She cut herself off, cursing the slip in her act. She was better than that.

“That’s better,” He smirked, “You get one question.”

Amelie couldn’t roll her eyes at him, no matter how much she wanted to. The last thing she needed was an attitude that drew attention to herself or flagged her as threatening or even suspicious. He had asked her to drop the ditsy attitude, but that was the last thing she intended on doing. A cheery woman, somehow stuck doing an article for the sports section was exactly who she would be because that was the woman her hitman wouldn’t have a second thought about after they parted ways.

“If you’re watching the game tonight, are you watching at the Garden, at a bar, or at home?”

His face was the perfect image of boredom. Amelie couldn’t help but wonder if he practiced it in the mirror every morning.

“I see why you don’t want to keep asking these questions.”

“I’m glad you agree,” She answered dryly, unable to help herself.

He kept his blue eyes solely on her, which meant he wasn’t looking out for someone else. He obviously didn’t want to be here answering questions - the way he kept all his weight on his toes made Amelie think he was going to take off at any second - but he didn’t appear to be in a rush to get somewhere else either. Whoever his target was, he or she wasn’t here. Either that meant that her hitman had been fed false information or he was scouting a location rather than looking for a person in particular. Amelie had to bet on the former. It wasn’t much of a clue, but it was something.

“Let me guess,” She returned to the perky act, hoping she could get a solid answer out of him this time, “You seem like the kind of guy who would go to a bar to watch the game.”

He narrowed his eyes and her stomached knotted. This wasn’t how she wanted him to be looking at her. Amelie leaned even further into the act, widening her smile. She couldn’t slip up when she was so close to an answer.

He sighed. If he had been suspicious, he had quickly dismissed her as a threat, “Is that your way of trying to prove your journalistic instincts?”

“Is that your way of evading the question?” She countered.

“Maybe,” He smirked, a dangerous quirk of his mouth that sent her pulse racing, “How about you?”

“Maybe.”

Amelie held that piercing blue gaze, refusing to be the one to back down first. Arching a brow in a silent challenge, she waited with her arms crossed over her chest.

“Yes,” He conceded, “I’ll be watching in a bar tonight.”

She let out a sigh of relief, “Thank you! See, was that so hard?”

He snorted and walked off without another word.

“Have a nice day!” He called after him with fake chipper, muttering asshole beneath her breath.

Barnes didn’t turn around - not that she expected him to - and she watched him go until he was out of sigh. Hopefully, she was already out of his mind.

The game didn’t start for another couple hours, which gave her time to figure out which bars were playing the game tonight. Amelie had been disappointed when he hadn’t said he’d be watching the game at the Garden. A stadium was a hell of a lot easier to canvas than all the bars in Boston. She couldn’t even be certain that he was telling the truth - odds were that he wasn’t. Fortunately, Amelie’s gut feeling told her the opposite. Rude hitman didn’t necessarily mean liar.

Another sigh escaped her lips, the adrenaline wearing off. It had been risky giving herself away, but she banked on the fact that not many people, especially someone to small compared to him, would knowingly approach a wanted hitman. She had incorporated as much truth into her lie to make it as credible as possible and just had to hope that he wouldn’t check up on her.

The thought should have scared her, but it didn’t. Barnes was nothing like the articles described him as, and quite frankly, the only adjectives she would have used to described him were grumpy and rude. The man she’d just met was nothing like the terror described in the other articles. She didn’t know if her reaction made her stupid or brave. Maybe it was neither considering that no-one else had actually gotten close to him.

Not wanting to tail him all afternoon and most likely alert him to her presence, she decided to go home and get some more research done. It wasn’t going to be easy trying to find him tonight, but Amelie had always considered herself as someone who was lucky. She could get Barnes, but she was also going to need a little luck on her side tonight. 

* * * * *

Amelie had tried five different bars before finally finding him in a pub known for its connection with the Irish Mob. Her feet were sore, someone had spilt a drink on her lap at bar number two when the Celtics had scored, and it had taken an extra fifty just to convince the bouncer to let her in, but it was worth it.

She’d found him.

Finally.

The whole process of trying to find him had taken up so much of her energy that she’d forgotten to actually plan what she wanted to do when he found him. Not wanting to do something stupid, she did nothing. She’d somehow found a seat at the bar, despite the packed Friday night crowd, close enough so that she could see him but far enough away not to attract any unwanted attention. The pub was just as noisy as every other place she’d been at, drunken cheers and insults being shouted at the televisions sporadically. Amelie ordered another beer, still not sure what to do. Without a gut feeling to tell her what to do, she sipped away, keeping tabs on him from time to time. That was, until he wasn’t there anymore.

Cursing herself for being so sloppy, she downed the beer and pushed off the seat, only to run into a broad chest in a red henley and a dark leather jacket. She didn’t have to tilt her head back to know she was face to face - face to chest? - with the exact mad she was looking for. His narrowed eyes probably meant that their running into each other wasn’t accidental or a good thing.

She smiled.

He dipped his head, breath hot on her ear when he growled, “Sit down.”

Her eyes widened in the nonexistent fear she should have felt and followed his order while he slid into the free seat on her right. Barnes ordered a drink, not saying anything as they waited for the barman to come back with his beer. He probably hoped to ramp up her supposed fear by letting her stew, but it only succeeded in giving her time to think of a way out without killing her chance at getting this story. She had to give him credit though. She figured most people would have been afraid. But he had no idea that she wasn’t most people.  

“Who are you?” He demanded after the bartender had moved on.

“Oh! Right! You didn’t get my name earlier. I promise I’m not stalking you or anything, it’s purely personal,” Amelie could tell the sweetness in her voice had thrown him off guard, so she continued, laying it on even thicker, “It’s not every day I get to interview someone so… handsome, you know. I just thought that if I can into you tonight then-”

“Who are you?” He repeated, cutting her off with a cold look.

Obviously, manners weren’t his thing.

She forced a giggle even if it was getting harder to keep up the charade. What she wanted to do was shake him and tell him that manners were for everyone, including international hitmen, but she looked away for a second as if embarrassed.

She extended her hand, “Amelie Novak.”

He looked at it as though it might bite him, but he summoned all of his dangerous, brooding bravery and took it, “I wasn’t expecting such a firm grip.”

She shot him a pointed look, filling in the unspoken words, “From someone so ditzy?”

Amelie couldn’t help it. His condescending attitude made it impossible not to want to answer in the same tone. She needed to get her act together. Now. In the last five years, she had never broken character on the job, and now, she had twice in the same day. She reminded herself what was on the line if she slipped up and shot him another smile.

He let out something that might have been a laugh, if hitmen did indeed laugh. Judging by the looks of him, it wasn’t something he did all that often. At least no in from of other people. Or ever.

He stood, “I’m flattered by your…interest, but I have to go. If you’re lucky, some overgrown frat boy will come in a take my place. Seems more your type anyway, sweetheart.”

Amelie smiled through gritted teeth, holding it in place until he was no longer looking at her.

“I tried that,” She muttered when he was too far to hear, thinking of Brian, “Didn’t work out.”

Ordering another drink, she followed him out with her eyes, waiting to see what he would do next. After having seen her twice in the same day, she couldn’t tail him. There was nothing left for her to do. Or at least, that’s what she thought before realizing that he was following someone else out of the bar; someone Amelie very much recognized. And if that man was her hitman’s target, then all she had to do was find that man’s dirty little secrets. Fast.

She pulled out her phone. There was only one person she could count on to get the kind of information she needed and who could get it to her before the night was over.

* * * * *

“What do you got for me?” Amelie perched on the corner of Detective Sam Wilson’s desk and flicked the Paul Pierce bobble head.

He barely spared her a glance, focused on the document on his computer screen, “Nice to see you too, Novak.”

She sighed, “Come on, Wilson, you know I’m not one for pleasantries.”

“You were when we first met,” He pointed out, typing away.

“That was when I thought I could get something from you that way,” She grinned, “Turns out you were a lot less gullible than I thought.”

He pushed back from his desk, chair rolling far enough that he could extend his legs, “I should’ve encouraged manners. A simple how are you would have been nice.”

“Fine, fine,” She rolled her eyes, “How are you, Wilson? How was your day?”

“I’m fine, Novak,” He smirked, “How are you?”

“Hoping to be better once I hear what you’ve got.”

He crossed his arms, “What made you start looking into this guy anyways?”

There was no need to tell him that she’d just gone toe to toe with an international hitman, so she simply said, “I got a hunch.”

He raised a brow, “A hunch, huh?”

“Yeah,” She nodded, knowing he was too good a cop for her to risk lying even more to him, “A hunch.”

“You should have been a detective, Novak,” He chuckled, “I think you missed your calling.”

She laughed, “I never could have passed those physical tests. But I’m assuming that you found something if you’re telling me this?”

He nodded, eyes bright.

She leaned forward, “What is it?”

“Oh, you know, police business.”

She nodded, “Of course, police business.”

“I’m going to the bathroom. My computer’s been having trouble lately and won’t seem to shut off,” He winked, standing, “You’ll be gone when I’m back.”

“Yup.”

He put a hand on her shoulder, “Sorry I couldn’t be of more help, Novak.”

“No problem, Wilson, I understand,” She grinned and whispered, “Thank you. I owe you. Next time I’ll come bearing coffee.”

He pulled back, “It better be one of those fancy coffees.”

“Obviously,” She hopped off his desk, watching him leave.

“With cinnamon,” He called over his shoulder.

Amelie bounced onto Sam’s chair and stared at the document he’d left open. Her excitement built as the words for her article began to string themselves together in her mind.

* * * * *

The article had gone viral. Hers. Amelie Novak’s. Cary, after having cursed her out for banging on his home door at midnight, actually smiled after reading it. It had managed to get enough press that even her friends in New York had heard about it. Thinking about it still made her giddy, even days later. God, she loved her job.

The man, a corrupt CEO working with the Irish Mob, had been placed in protective custody, despite his white-collar crimes. Putting him in jail was too dangerous, a prison too flimsy for a good hitman.

Amelie probably should have felt better about having saved a life, but it was hard to feel proud when the made she’d save was a grade A scumbag. Among other crimes, he’d stolen from hundreds of families in the area and hurt so many other people through his connections with the Mob and those were only the crimes Wilson had been able to dig up overnight. Since then, other crimes had surfaced and all her articles since then had been recaps of the cops’ investigation.

Fumbling with her keys, her grip slipped on her grocery bags and she scrambled to get into her apartment without dropping anything. The place was dark, the late evening light gone long before she had left the office and the city lights barely poking thought the cracks between the adjacent buildings.

The light switch was too high to reach with the weight of the five-pound sack of potatoes in one hand and the jug of milk in the other, so she wandered blindly into the kitchen of her new studio apartment.

“I’d have to say, I’m impressed.”

Amelie shrieked, almost dropping the bags again. Her heart pounding her chest as if it was begging her to leave, but she didn’t move or turn on the lights. She didn’t need to. Amelie recognized the voice.

Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, professional hitman, the Winter Soldier himself, was in her kitchen, and he was most definitely trespassing.

[wildfangz]

@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want. 

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’.  i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust. 

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me 

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway 

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway! 

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

21

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow

[whereismywarden]

OC Interview meme

I was tagged by @myronmuse & @allmywardensaresafeandsound. Thank you guys!

Now tagging @no-id-no-person, @haloneshiral & @bethanypw if you guys feel like it :)

Doing this for Surana, circa 9:44. She’s been hearing the Calling for some time now.

1. What is your name?

I’m Surana, but you may call me Ana if you wish.

2. What is your real name?

That’s the only name I’ve ever had, but if you know of any other “real name” I’d like to hear it.

3. Do you know why you were called that?

Listen, I was born in a Circle, and not just any Circle. No no no, I was born in Kirkwall. So odds are my parents didn’t name me and some Chantry prick had that privilege. I don’t know where “Surana” comes from, nor do I really care. But I sure hope that bitch Meredith wasn’t the one to give me that name...

4. Are you single or taken?

Taken every which way. Or at least I used to be. Now I’m just happy if I can rest my head on his lap for a little while.

5. Have any abilities or powers?

Well, I am one of the most powerful mages in Thedas, an accomplished Arcane Warrior and Battlemage. Oh, and let’s not forget the Grey Warden thing.

6. Stop being a Mary Sue.

You’re right. I was a very powerful mage. But that was before that Grey Warden thing I just mentioned caught up to me. Thank you so much for reminding me.

7. What’s your eye color?

Light grey. Pretty dull if you asked me. Not even a real color. But I’ve sometimes heard so-called poets compare them to the moon or to freshly polished steel. My husband once said they looked like the sky before a storm. Pretty ironic considering his are the color of an actual sea storm.

8. How about your hair color?

Black. Nothing fancy here.

9. Have you any family members?

Well, being a Circle baby, I’ve never known my parents. And I have no idea if I have any other family left in this world. Probably not. All I have is a daughter, Neriah, who was born during my time in the Circle. Talk about History repeating itself!

I also adopted two big brothers while I was trapped in that damn tower, but... I’d rather not talk about them...

And of course, there’s my sweet husband, Carver.

10. Oh? What about pets?

I have my dear Rabbit by my side almost constantly these days. But in true Fereldans that we are, he’s not the only mabari in our household. There’s Carver’s dog, named Jevlan, after one of my favorite Hard in Hightown characters (I’m sure Varric is laughing about that somewhere). We have also adopted his brother’s dog, named Carver (yes, Hawke was funny that way). And we occasionally house our daughter’s when she visits us. She named her Bunny because she is Rabbit’s daughter.

11. That’s cool I guess, now tell me about something you don’t like.

That blasted song that’s been pounding at the back of my head like a hammer on a nail for the past few years!

12. Do you have any hobbies/activities you like doing?

I rather enjoy reading. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands for that lately. It keeps me from thinking about that song. Or at least it did, in the beginning.

13. Ever hurt anyone before?

Yes. I’m afraid that’s part of the job.

14. Ever… killed anyone before?

Again, part of the job.

15. What kind of animal are you?

I’ve been called ‘rabbit’ while growing up. I’ve named my dog Rabbit so that I can sick him on anyone who ever calls me that again.

16. Name your worst habits.

Running headfirst into danger. That’s one of the reasons Carver stopped going on Grey Warden missions with me. Said he didn’t want to have a heart attack every time we ran into an ogre.

17. Do you look up to anyone at all?

Not anymore, no.

18. Gay, straight, or bisexual?

I can feel attraction for anyone, but it hardly matters now.

19. Do you go to school?

I don’t know if the Circle could be called a school. At any rate, leaving that place was the best day of my life.

20. Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day?

That question is pointless. I am married! I have a kid! Are you asking if I want to leave my husband for someone else? Never! As for having more children... That’s not on the table anymore...

21. Do you have any fanboys/fangirls?

Unfortunately. 

I’ve started to introduce myself to people as just Ana to escape all that unwanted attention.

22. What are you most afraid of?

Losing more people. Losing everyone I’ve got left. Funny how I’ll actually be the next one to go. Or maybe not so funny after all.

23. What do you usually wear?

These days? Mostly loose fitting clothes. Some of them didn’t use to be so loose, though... I often wear a thick cloak to hide how thin I’ve gotten, and the red shawl Carver got me for my birthday years ago to hide my ugly face.

24. Do you love someone?

With all my heart and soul.

25. When was the last time you wet yourself?

You don’t want to know the answer to that question, believe me.

26. Well, it’s not over yet!

Oh, joy... 

27. What class are you? (High class, middle class, low class)

I might have been Arlessa of Amaranthine for a while, but I’m still a mage, an elf, and a Grey Warden. I’ll let you do the math.

28. How many friends do you have?

I don’t know... A lot of them are... gone... My family is all that matters these days.

29. What are your thoughts on pie?

Carver bakes the most delicious pies. It’s a family recipe I’m told.

30. Favourite drink?

If you’d asked me a few years ago, I would have answered strong dwarven ale. But I stopped drinking, so I’m not allowed to say that.

Tea is good though. I love tea.

31. What’s your favourite place?

Our little home. It isn’t much, but I’ve never had my own house before. I’m at peace here.

32. Are you interested in someone?

Yes... My husband.

33. What’s your bra cup size and/or how big is your willy?

Bold of you to assume I wear bras.

34. Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean?

I’m not much of a swimmer. Oceans scare the shit out of me and lakes bring back too many bad memories.

35. What’s your type?

I didn’t think I had a type until Leliana pointed out I seemed to have a preference for strong warriors.

36. Any fetishes?

That’s between me and my husband. And whoever else cared to join us.

37. Seme or uke? Top or Bottom? Dominant or Submissive?

I was comfortable with anything, although I did love feeling the weight of my partner above me a great deal.

38. Camping or indoors?

After being cooped up in a dark tower for years, I really enjoyed the outdoors a lot. These days, however, I welcome the comfort of my bed more than ever.

39. Are you wanting the interview to end?

Yes. Frankly, I’m getting rather tired of it.

40. Now it’s over!

Finally. I need to get some rest now if you’ll excuse me.

[n0resistance]

Wall St

     I remember the summer of 2010 being fun and productive. We were on a hunt for an apartment , I was living at home for the summer working at a pizza place, watching sex and the city (everyday), and missing New York. We wanted specific things about the apartment. Close to school, an affordable price, and something for all of us. 

      We looked in Bed-stuy but it was too far from school, we couldn’t imagine commuting on a train for 30 mins. The landlord also didn’t feel good about us being so young. 

     Landlords give college students, especially ones who never lived on their own before, a difficult time. We looked around union square and saw our dream loft. The girl who showed us the apartment had a red Moped and heals on. She was very Manhattan and the place was very expensive. 

     It was fun to imagine our lives in many different places. One day after apartment hunting in the city, my new roommate and I went out to celebrate finding something we liked! We decided to go sake bombing and sushi. I had the car that I drove into the city. We were in the east village and I had work in New Jersey at the pizza place in the morning. I got so drunk off the sake and got sick. Could never handle my alcohol at 19 and my friend drove me to Long Island  because that’s where she lived (and thankfully would not let me drive ). 

    I woke up on Long Island and was so hung over, had to drive to New Jersey at 8 AM to make my 10 AM shift. It was horrible and I was young and dumb. We got approved for the apartment the next day! 

     We found an apartment on Wall Street walking distance from Pace and it was out of our budget but we took it! It was a one bed room we were able to convert to 2 bedroom, with a make shift wall. Which is a fake wall because you can hear everything in the kitchen. Since I shared a room we paid less than our roommate who had her own room. To share a room on Wall Street in a luxury building is $950 per person per month. It’s not cheap. It’s kind of a dream come true to have your first apartment in Manhattan. It became an identity. 

     The girl I shared a room with and I had shared the dorm together the year before. So we already knew what it was like to live with each other in the same room. We all shared a huge walk in closet where we had to go in our third roommate’s room to get our stuff. So nobody had privacy; but we had a gym, a doorman, rooftop access, and the roof was beautiful. You could “rent out the space for parties”, and the best part of this apartment was we got to have my dog Scrappy, who was left at home during freshmen year. 

    The semester started and I was broker than ever. I walked through the back of the apartment building and discovered this old Dutch looking street with cobble stones. It was empty but I noticed that each spot had a restaurant. I had pizza place experience on my resume. However, nowhere in New York wants to hire you unless you have New York experience. I was on a hunt. I applied everywhere and wasn’t getting anything, mainly because of the no New York experience. My resume had High school, Hollister, and Stefanos Pizzeria on it. I wasn’t that desirable. While I was walking my dog Scrappy on Stone Street I was looking at the restaurants and a guy started talking to me about Scrappy. We had a small conversation and when he was going inside I asked if he was hiring. He said, for what? I said anything. He said sure, you can have a job, come by this evening and we’ll start training. I was so excited! Even though I had no idea what my job would be.

     2010 was surreal! My first apartment on Wall Street and first job as a New York  hostess at a Mexican Cantina. It was owned by three white men who lived in New Jersey. They all were married with kids, and were not Mexican what so ever. The third floor was their office. Second floor had a bunch of seats and a Guacamole Bar. The main floor had high top chairs, a bar, and then there was outdoor seating (benches, picnic tables, on cobblestone). Which was the part of stone street that reminds everyone of October fest. We had a manager who was really cool, most of the servers were actresses, and the hostesses handled things like seating people and any take out orders. It was a lot of people, and we were booked everyday. The basement was where the kitchen was. We had amazing guacamole and margaritas that cost $12 each. 

    If I had to do it over, I would lie and say I was server and hopefully get a serving job. I just settled for the hostess job that paid $12 per hour because I was desperate without experience. I worked a lot for a student. This job lasted me 3 years while I was in school, on and off. On holidays like Cinco de Mayo or October fest, some people would wait for an hour for a table. Sometimes celebrities would be spotted there like Finch from American Pie or Michael Keaton, they loved the Burritos and probably had a luxury apartment there.

   I remember my first week the owner found out I was 19, going to school at Pace, having my first apartment with roommates. He said, “so your life must be so fun, am I right?” I mean everything was new and exciting, I felt like I was a mini adult living in the financial district. I was broke all the time, my dog barked and peed in the house (my neighbors got upset), oh and I still did not know what I wanted to do with my life! 

    I joined a sorority that semester. Made a lot of mistakes during my pledging process but it was so fun. One time I spent the money I was supposed to use for rent at a bar called Gaslight in the Meatpacking district. I bought everyone tequila shots and it was definitely $250 and I used my rent money partially. That night I lost my phone, my keys, my wallet, and my dignity. I don’t know how I got home but I needed to get bailed out from my mistake. I would make a lot of resolutions when this would happen. Get good grades, save money, be a good human, volunteer, and go home more often. In school I never missed a class  because of these resolutions. My passion was hanging out with people from school and finding a new place that would take our fake IDs. I always used real people’s IDs. It really just needed to go through the ID machine. However, the club got caught with under age drinking and got stricter. They would get taken away by security guards and then I’d be on the hunt again for a new one. 

    My pledge name was L0ko like Fourl0ko because I got caught 4x drinking when we were a dry process. I would get caught in neighborhood hangouts like the McDonalds near McGuire’s from an older sorority sister or worse my pledge mom. We got in trouble for getting our nose pierced during purity week on St. Marks. I had to write a paper on alcoholism. Luckily my roommate was in the sorority and I made friends through her fast. I was invested in Greek life. The partying was at apartments, bars, rooftops, venues, you name it. The city was our oyster and we met so many people to drink with and socialize with.

    They all mainly studied business and it was nice to feel like we were actually in college. We even went to West Chester to see the Homecoming game. New York took away from the college experience. 

    One time we had a party and at first not many people showed up. I think it was a holiday party or something. Before you knew it, everyone was there. People we didn’t even know. This one girl was interning on Wall St brought her boss. He must’ve been in the age group 35-40 and hit on our friend who was 19 years old. She said no and he hit her or choked her. A bunch of Staten Island guys who were friends with us at the time dragged him out of the apartment and beat him up in the elevator. The creepy man was getting married and had a broken nose. Another guy got angry with my friend for not liking him and I think she ignored him. He came to our party with an orange spray tan, and bragged about his money, and because everyone ignored him, he threw a Grey Goose bottle at the chandelier in our hallway to the elevator.  It shattered everywhere. How crazy is that?  It was just an out of control in our one bedroom converted two bedroom,  apartment. I can’t believe how out of hand kids can get. It was actually scary because the liability was on us if anybody gets hurt. 

    The party turned into a shit show and I never want to have anything like that again. After stuff like getting in the sorority, starting my first job, my third obstacle was my dog and his bad behavior. Our neighbor was a doctor and complained about us constantly. Scrappy barked. I even got a barking collar that sprayed citrus in his face. He liked the citrus so much that he would taste the orange spray and would continue barking. To control the barking I found that leaving music on helped his anxiety. Taking a Jersey dog to the city really freaks them out. The noise and the city walking. The city also helped him because he had skin allergies and was allergic to grass, so the concrete was nice. 

    We had some set backs and then we had the summer and Junior year was approaching. I got into a study abroad program the next year in Italy. So that summer to prepare for it as well as my hostess job I also worked at a bar called Thunder Jackson's and there would be no hourly pay nor benefits. I was still only 19 turning 20 and never worked at a bar. Sometimes I made $500 on a Friday or Saturday night and sometimes on an afternoon, I would make nothing. So I saved what I could. I spent the summer hanging out with sorority girls and guys from the Fraternity. One I was dating.

    He just got out of a relationship and knew I was leaving for Rome so we just took it slow. We would go out, eat, drink and sleep til 4 every day. Before I left, he tried to take me to Jersey Dives to experience Sky diving. There were too many clouds that day that we couldn’t go. We spent the whole day waiting because I was leaving for Italy that Monday. I’m glad that happened because he wasn’t the person I was supposed to do that with. I’m terribly afraid of heights. Italy was approaching and it was time to say goodbye to Wall Street.

    I wasn’t going to really have a say in the new apartment, they found it when I was on my way to London. It was in the Upper East Side and I was going to live with the same girls. I took the money I saved for the summer and gave it to my dad to give to me incrementally over the semester so I could use it abroad. I got someone to sublet my spot and was ready to go. Everything felt good except that situation-ship, he was slowly but surely ghosting me. He meant something to me because at that time he was the third person I dated, in my whole life. Everything was perfect but leaving him was not going smooth. I didn’t know when to call it quits, so I decided to write him about every experience I was having abroad and then just like that from Wall Street to Rome. Well, at that point it was Wall street, to London, to Florence to Rome.

At the end of that semester my counselor said I needed to decide on a major. She asked me “ What do you want to get out of college?” I said, “A JOB”. She said “Go into hotels, you’ll always have a job.” My junior year I was a business major with a concentration in Hotel Management. 1 out of 30 students in the hotel management department. It felt right. 

[ketterdamns]

a brief history

so anyway i’ve been doing a lot of work over the last year (hence why im kinda awol and maybe less positive than I used to be) and the biggest thing that has always come up is to stop retreating when I need to be honest about the things that have happened to me, when acknowledging the things in my life that have damaged me and also as an exercise to let trust my friends and others not to use this information to hurt me- the only power of these words in the hands of others is what I perceive them to have. if i give it away freely and own it it can no longer be used to hurt me, or at least, that is the general idea i might regret this. i might not. i just think i need to try because im so so so tired. 

Anyway, under the cut; csa, parental and spousal abuse, rape, trauma,drugs, addiction, basically all of the triggers. a slightly optimistic ending tho!!! 

Additionally; if you read this, please can you in some way acknowledge that u have, via text, whatsapp, dm, pm, messages, likes (no reblogs pls!!)  just so i can keep track of who knows what ty!!!!

its really hard to admit that ive never had a stable home life. never even had a stable home, from the moment i was in the womb my mum was running, away from my dad (who never let her go), from my dad’s mum- who wanted me dead for reasons my mum has never been able to divulge, from poverty and homelessness throughout my formative years. 

That’s when it started maybe, I was about 3-4/5 we ended up having to move in with my uncle (my dads brother) and his wife. it was an uncomfortable situation for all, we were a family of four intruding on newlyweds, but we were desperate and immigrants to a new country without qualifications for work or money to support us or even a job to hold down. My mum tried her best, but my brother was one and i was two years older. I ended up spending a lot of time with my uncle, who often “took me off of her hands” for afternoons. I don’t rly remember those afternoons, except that I would always play up beforehand, not wanting to go. At some point, my aunt caught on, and instead of talking to her husband, or throwing his pedo ass out, she took out her ??jealousy?? on me, and started pinching me so hard i bruised. she would blame me for my uncle’s behaviour. i was a “madame” pretending to be his “princess”, my mum caught her hitting me, and packed our bags immediately, despite my father not allowing us to leave. we had to stay in that house for another two months, and this is when my mum would never want to let me out of her sight again. And this is also the beginning of the pattern that my dad would allow these things to happen to me but I was just a baby. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what was happening or why they were. No-one spoke to me and I had no one else in my life at that time. 

We spent some really uncomfortable years in uncomfortable places, but honestly being homeless for that year, and then moving into council accommodation was sort of the least of my worries. I was eight years old the time I was sexually and emotionally abused by my other uncle (also my dad’s brother). It was my first trip back to our home country My grandma spent all her time telling me I was awful (it turns out... she’s a piece of shit) all because I refused to call her “Mum”, she wanted to kidnap me and my brother, and idk what else. but we scuppered her plans by not going along with it. It was a very toxic and scary environment, so when my Uncle would invite me into his next door flat, and treat me with kindness, I was overjoyed. Finally, another adult I could trust! My grandparents used to police food, and essentially only allowed me one meal a day. Back in the UK we were very poor, and rarely got to have sweets unless they were gifts from other people, so my uncle already had the perfect tool to entice me. That first summer, I ate sweets and let him pamper me, slowly giving him more and more affection like sitting on his lap etc, because it meant more sweets for me and my brother. he was my favourite person in the world and i was sure that he was the one person i could truly trust and talk to about anything. I used to dream of moving in with him and living peacefully, well fed, in a quiet cosy environment. The next summer, I was nine, and my dad had almost finished his uni, meaning we were expecting more money. I had my fill of sweets. He bought me toys instead. Slowly, his requests for affection turned into demands. Slowly, his affection turned into something twisted and horrible, something dirty. I once tried to raise the point to my grandma, that sometimes my uncle did things that scared me. she told me off for being a coward. I didn’t say anything. I was getting toys, my little brother was being fed, my mum finally had a friend in my dads side of the family in him. I knew enough about unstable homes that the slightest disagreement could lead to homelessness again and I didnt want that. Maybe my silence was my strength. 

This was confirmed when he raped me when I was 12. It is the last time I will ever see that side of the family. I was in shock the whole time, I didn’t know what to do. When we got home, back onto firm cold soil and the safety of our shitty one bedroom council flat in the roughest estate , I opened up to my dad that for years i’d been terrorised by my uncle and afraid of saying something. Dads were supposed to protect their little girls from big bad men, even if that man was their brother. 

All I got for my troubles was another man who began to hurt me. Outraged that I’d ever speak something so horrible my dad began to beat me. Constantly. And if my mum got involved? He’d beat her too. she didn’t even know what was happening, but there was a point she also went silent, and it was all on me to bear the pain I’d tried to share. The following summer, my uncle died in a freak accident When I heard the news I laughed because I couldn’t help myself, and getting hit for it was worth it for the news. I never had to see him again.  He died and I was free. Except my dad never quite forgot what I had said, and he never forgave me for it. 

Anyway by this point I was a teenager, we moved again and constantly over the years until we properly settled and actually bought a house and I had a strong group of friends who didn’t mind my weirdness and my lack of skills. My mum at this point couldnt bear that I was branching out from her bubble, and something snapped in her too, she started to search my room, stalk my friends, refuse to let me out. honestly.. no i dont blame her (even tho her behaviour hasnt changed and im 23, but at the time? it increased how trapped i felt)

I was a teenager and I had a best friend. She loved a boy named DJ who was 18. DJ used to stalk me, and I kept quiet because I knew she liked him and I knew speaking up would cause me more trouble. I could look after her, and myself. DJ assaulted me one night at a party. I shouldn’t have been there and I shouldn’t have been doing what I was doing. I was already experimenting with drinks and drugs because I was dead inside anyway. he hurt me and then told my best friend that i’d hooked up with him and hoodwinked him into getting with me because i wanted to hurt her. within days that story was around school. i was the easy kid who would sleep with anyone for the drama, and i was quiet. i was terrified news would get to my mum, or my little brother who was also starting at that school. but most of all i was terrified of telling my side of the story, and to be hurt more than i was hurting already. I unfriended them all, and even though DJ continued to stalk me i kept quiet. DJ sent me a necklace with a dove, explaining the significance was that the dove was my innocence or some other weird creepy crap. my mum found it in the bin where id tried to bury it under rubbish i told her a fraction of the truth, I was being harassed by a boy and I didn’t welcome his advances. I didn’t tell her it was already too late. The school of course told him to keep away, and he did for the most part, and one time he tried to corner me while I was skiving off of a class and there was no one around, I ran and went to tell a teacher. I got told to “grow up” and sometimes “we have to get along with people we dont like”. I was the villain in their eyes. I swore  I would do everything in my power to get out of this school, go to the grammar in a new city where my reputation . DJ was arrested this year for online grooming an d sharing child pornography, and it honestly breaks my heart that its been going on for so long. maybe i should have said more, but who to? 

My time at school wasn’t all bad. And i had my first real positive experience with an older man. My english teacher once caught me unawares and I had a panic attack at being alone with a man-- he was gentle and kind, and worked with me to get to where i wanted to be grades-wise. he let me borrow his books and told me stories about his own son and i understood what real love meant, and it broke me that i’d never experienced it. 

My brother had grown so big now, and threatened my dad. if he ever lay another finger on one of us under our roof, my brother would kill him. my brother spent his childhood learning to fight, he’s in the runnings for the Olympics. My dad recognised the threat was real. And never hit me when my brother was home. However, when my brother wasn’t home... that was another story. my silence then was another kind of strength. I couldnt tell him the truth, because if he followed through on this threat, his life would be over. My dad got more sneaky, he would avoid my face, he’d grab my ankle and twist it so tight that it’s now forever fucked up. 

Despite all my fucked-up ness I did make it to grammar school, despite my parents not wanting me to go there. And im so glad i did. I finally had two years with minimal assault. My dad hurt me sometimes? The first night after my induction class because summer break, my dad took my prized hockey stick- one I’d worked long days to afford, and smashed it on my leg. I had to get crutches and didn’t leave my house for most of the summer, because I didn’t want to explain what happened. I couldn’t play my sport ever again properly. I lied to my friends and told them i was in my home country for the summer. i legit did not leave my house unless it was for doctors appts. 

 occasional nights he would be tired of me doing nothing but homework or making projects, or being loud. Alternately, he’d hate it when suddenly i became withdrawn and uncommunicative. when i physically couldn’t move etc. anyway turns out these were symptoms of my MI which wouldn’t be diagnosed for a long while, despite trying to find what was wrong with me from this point onwards.  but!!! for the most part! it was great! my school was in another city! i had freedom for a couple hours every day to do what i wanted! i made friends who embraced my weirdness! i had no reputation and i had my very own laptop finally so i could finally have some privacy!

too much privacy, i refused to give my mum my laptop password. hearing this, my dad threw my laptop down the stairs. 

i used what little money i had from part time jobs to fix it, but its something im resentful of to this day. my mum, in her eagerness to protect me, just let him hurt me again. 

anyway blah blah blah i moved to london and it was amazing i ran away i was free everything was going to change and i was finally going to be the person i always knew i was destined to be! chic and cosmopolitan and cool and confident and most importantly, safe, and comfortable, and in control. And I was. and then three weeks before halloween it happened again. i’d been away from home for two months now, and i’d started dabbling in harder drugs than weed, but that night i was not high. i was not in withdrawal. i was only drunk. i got raped again. this time, i did report it, but only because my housemates knew it had happened. i got rushed to A&E where they are legally required to call the police. the police took me to their HQ and i was interviewed. they arrested him. none of this was my choice, and my lack of silence led to a lack of control. I know ive been detailed already, but i wont go into detail about the rape kits they have and the questions i got asked and the journalists who dogged me and the nosy gossips who wanted to know the juicy deets. I don’t want to go into detail about how i realised I was a victim and was always going to be a victim, and i cant go into detail about the most recent abuses, not yet. All I know is i once thought i was in love with a boy called ‘T’, and what he did to me was worse because he made me believe this was all I could get and that I had to settle. He made me believe that him getting off on my trauma was love, instead of him picturing me as a child repeatedly brutalised by my male relatives. The moment I came to my senses and he was gone, I realised I was alone again. I failed my second year of uni, because the day before my final exam, my rapists wife found my house in london, idk how. She and her child begged me to help her husband’s appeal. I sympathised with her, she was a non-native with broken english looking after her kid. She reminded me of my mum. I told her for her chid’s sake and for her sake, I couldn’t. She cursed me and nothing has been the same since. actually, the lovely people of tumblr helped me raise the funds to complete summer school and carry on with my life. i now hold a masters degree. i remember each and every one of u who donated or signal boosted. i also remember my choice to keep his wife out of it, and not mention her. silence was golden. 

This year my rapist  was deported after raping another person when he was released for good behaviour. 

anyway. despite all of this magnitude of shit that has happened to me. despite my numerous addictions that im still working thru (im sorry if u knew me when i was nothing but a junkie. at 19/20 I was not a good person and anything I said that was thoughtful or provocative came from a bad place. I gave bad advice and abused my medication alongside brown and alcohol. My manic episodes got worse than I’ve ever experienced and usually led to me some very dark very scary places. I’m mostly better now but the last year has Been A Lot. I tried to kill myself twice. Once, I was saved by police, which is... embarrassing and I lied my ass off (and brandished the fact i was a MASTERS STUDENT OF LAW and they had entirely the wrong end of the stick) and another time, i was saved by chance. I am making so much progress tho. I’m proud of me. I’ve become more independent. I’m not afraid to speak out when I’m dissatisfied now. I know strength comes from knowing what you want and what you don’t want, not settling for the worst because unknown reactions in my imagination are worse than whatever reality has in store. 

im graduating from my masters next week. i feel as tho ive lost a lot of friends and people i cared about- all i can say is im sorry. i’m trying. but if i fuck up, its on me. if i speak too loudly and it hurts you, please tell me. if i dropped away, its because i had to work on me, and im sorry, and im ready to come back, if you’ll have me.  I’m really excited about the future, but im scared too. the last three months have been so hard and every day i feel like giving up again, but I won’t. there has to be a reason i survived all this, and im yet to find it, but i hope i will. im still going thru shit. my dad is still the worst. but i have a really lovely partner who is so so so patient with me- more than i deserve, im in touch with a doctor and a sleep therapist, my brother is looking out for me and im getting in touch with old friends, and im making new ones all the time. thank you for sticking by me, and sorry for the long read. i just had to get it out there you know? its my truth and the silence was killing more than anything else in this stupid story is. ive left lots of details out, but parts of my story interlink with others and other parts im still holding onto, i cant share everything online i think thats enough oversharing for a long long time. 

[teacherunicorn]

Opposites Attract (Chapter 73)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15  Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24  Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34 Chapter 35 Chapter 36 Chapter 37 Chapter 38 Chapter 39 Chapter 40 Chapter 41 Chapter 42 Chapter 43 Chapter 44 Chapter 45 Chapter 46 Chapter 47 Chapter 48 Chapter 49 Chapter 50 Chapter 51 Chapter 52 Chapter 53 Chapter 54 Chapter 55 Chapter 56 Chapter 57 Chapter 58 Chapter 59 Chapter 60 Chapter 61 Chapter 62 Chapter 63 Chapter 64 Chapter 65 Chapter 66 Chapter 67 Chapter 68 Chapter 69 Chapter 70 Chapter 71 Chapter 72 Chapter 73 Chapter 74

Tag List: @the-chick-with-the-best-fandom, @does-it-matter129, @dcgoddess

Part of Alyssa hoped that Gotham would have somehow miraculously changed by the time she returned. That all Strange’s creations roaming the streets were gone, that Jerome was fine and well, and that she didn’t have to put her life on the line on principal.

This, of course, did not happen. She did however return to find that at least one freak -- the scary lizard man with the glowing eyes -- had been locked up for good.

If this wasn’t a surprise, the person responsible certainly was.

“Boyscout!” she called, drawing his attention from where he was leaning against his old desk. “Hey!” she laughed, pulling him into a hug which he quickly returned. “You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“It’s good to see you, Alyssa.” he smiled at her, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“What are you doin’ here? I thought you went to find Lee?”

“Yeah...” he looked down. “Didn’t quite work out. So, I’m back here, going after Strange’s monsters.”

“You caught the lizard man?” Alyssa raised an eyebrow. “Wow. Boyscout’s become a bad boy! I like it!”

“Pays good.” he shrugged.

“So I take it you’re not coming back to the GCPD?” she asked hesitantly. “Positions yours any time you want it.”

“Thanks, but no thanks.” he said. “I think I’ll stick to my own game. I don’t have to listen to Barnes anymore, I get to go home when I want, get drunk when I want, and at the end of the day, I sleep. Cuz saving Gotham’s not my job anymore.”

Alyssa stared at him, unsure of how to react. This was not the Jim Gordon she had last seen in the Arkham parking lot. Something had changed in him, and while the obvious answer was his failure to win back Lee Thompkins, she had a feeling it ran deeper than that.

“Jim Gordon, as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been the exact definition of a cop. A good one, which I dunno if you’ve noticed Gotham kinda lacks. Now you wanna pull outta that, that’s up to you. But don’t go denyin’ what you are.” she smirked slightly. “And you really think Harvey and I don’t get drunk when we want?”

******

*One Month Later*

Jim continued to bring in the Arkham escapees, though to be fair Barnes and his men brought in their fair share as well. While it was by no means safe to roam the streets at night -- let’s be honest had it ever been? -- you were much less likely to run into something....not human.

This did nothing to obscure the dreaded press brigade however, which she and Barnes were now addressing.

“At 8:15 this evening, and individual robbed a pharmacy and attacked its owner. Now while we don’t have any IDs yet, we believe this individual, is another escapee from Indian Hill.”

The crowd of reporters all began talking over each other, the photographers that were there taking pictures. Alyssa resented the noise, but it was quickly diminished as one reporter pushed herself to the front.

“Captain Barnes, Captain Barnes! Valerie Vale, Gotham Gazette.”

“Oh, geez.” Alyssa muttered under her breath. Vivian Vale had had a very public meltdown shortly after the escapees had hit the streets. She whined and screamed about the state of the city, its government, and the safety of her daughter, but ultimately ended up leaving.

Alyssa had been hoping that would be the last she saw of the Vales, but Valerie; Vivian’s cousin, was quick to take her place.

“Why can’t we see the escapee?”

“Because crews are still picking up the pieces.”

“This isn’t the first time that a bounty hunter has apprehended an escapee. Is the GCPD incapable of handling this threat themselves?”

“Whoa, whoa, only a hand full of these escapees were brought in by bounty hunters. The vast majority were brought in by GCPD.”

“Excuse me.” Alyssa nudged Barnes aside, putting herself in the spotlight. “I take issue with the word threat.” she informed Valerie before turning to address the crowd. “These escapees are themselves, victims of Hugo Strange. Now, if any ordinary, hardworking citizen wants to help get these poor souls off the street so that they may receive proper treatment, well these citizens should be alluded, and awarded financially.”

“Madame Mayor, before they were taken to Indian Hill, these ‘poor souls’ were all criminally insane inmates at Arkham Asylum. Were they not?”

“Ms. Vale, it is neither my position nor yours to judge someone based upon their actions, with regards to a situation we have never been in.” Alyssa informed.

“And, with regards to you personally?” she raised an eyebrow. “You have history with several of the escapees including the recently revived infamous Fish Mooney.”

Alyssa’s jaw tightened. “Yes, that’s correct.”

“Are you afraid that, given your past transgressions with her and several of the other escapees, one of them might come after you?”

“...My personal life has nothing to do with this.” she informed. “If Ms. Mooney, or any of the other escapees have this vendetta you suggest, that’s between me and them; not the people of Gotham.” she said firmly. “And I’ll thank you to stick to the topic at hand, Ms. Vale.”

******

On the more lighter side of things, the people that Alyssa cared for were thriving despite the circumstances. Though granted, she had a hand in it.

Barbra and Tabitha had taken over one of her bars and turned the place into quite the scene. Oswald, having taken back his seat on the throne, was only allowing the woman who killed his mother to live because Butch had a major crush on her.

It was actually kinda cute to watch him get flustered whenever Tabitha was near.

She and Selina had slid back into their niche quite smoothly. The only immediate issue at the time was Oswald, who was convinced that Fish was coming after the both of them for killing her in the first place.

This had fueled his very public stance against the escapees, calling them criminals and monsters. Alyssa scolded him for it constantly, but his paranoia only got worse as time went on.

Personally, Alyssa thought that if Fish or anyone else were going to come after her, they’d have done it already.

Although, if Fish really was the leader of the pack like rumor had it, and she wasn’t out for her and Oswald, Alyssa genuinely had no idea what the woman was up to.

And that was the sort of thought that sent a shiver down her spine.

******

Alyssa wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened, but Edward’s weekly letters had turned into personal visits every time she made her rounds at the asylum.

It was still the sort of thing that felt good while you were doing it and made you hate yourself afterwards. She didn’t want to be so dependent upon their innocent, simple conversations, but with the rest of her life becoming so complicated and hectic, it was nice to come up for air once in a while.

She set the box wrapped in shiny paper down on the table without a word. Edward glanced at her before looking down as he undid the wrapping to find a black box with opaque designs on every side.

“The trick is opening it.” Alyssa informed. “The man at the store said it’s one of the most difficult ever made. Looked at me like I’d grown a second head when I said I knew a man who could solve it in under a minute.”

Edward smirked slightly and quickly got to work. Without even thinking, Alyssa brought up her wrist to time him on her watch.

The bits and pieces slid and twisted this way and that until Edward was finally able to pull the top side of the box off like a lid, causing the rest to fall flat and expose the inner gears.

“Twenty seconds even.” Alyssa informed. “That shop clerk owes me fifty bucks.”

“Glad I could be of assistance.” Edward said simply, pushing up his glasses with one hand. “....Alyssa....”

“Mm?”

“Why do you keep coming to see me? Not that I don’t enjoy your visits, its just that I was under the impression you wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Yes, well...” she sighed. “Rest assured my motives are purely selfish. Talking to you these past few months...I don’t know how I would have gotten by otherwise.” she admitted. “With everything else in the state that it is...me being surrounded by morons and lunatics....”

“I know the feeling.”

Alyssa smiled a little sadly. “Ozzie seems to think that Fish and the other escapees are coming for our heads.”

“I take it you don’t think the same?”

“Knowing Fish?” she scoffed. “Oswald and I are small potatoes. She was always more of a big picture kinda gal.”

“So what do you think is going to happen?”

“I don’t know.” she shook her head. “Don’t know much of anything these days.”

“Can I offer some advice?” she nodded, telling him to go ahead. “I know how much Fish Mooney scares you; even if you don’t like to admit it. She got to you at a vulnerable time, and though times have changed it isn’t exactly the sort of thing you forget.” he tore a piece from the wrapping paper his present had come in, folding it this way and that. “But that’s what’s amazing about you, Alyssa. You stand up and fight, even when you’re scared.”

“What if I don’t wanna fight?” Alyssa said in a voice that was hardly a whisper.

“Then you’ve got people to fight for you.” he pushed the paper crown he’d made towards her. “You’ve earned everything you have. You’re powerful, Alyssa.”

[our-enchanted-lovestory]

hi, I'm Ash[ley].

I want to share my Taylor Swift testimony, and I feel this is the most appropriate time more than ever for me to really put it out there, for many reasons.

A few days ago, I saw the Twitter stan account in the headlines for the 19 year old girl's refusal to serve in her country's military and how she was able to keep updates going while serving her time, and it touched my heart and made me even more eager to share my experience with the prison system and how Taylor Swift helped me get through it all. It took a lot of the shame and fear away from the risk of looking and sounding like a criminal who didn't have their life together and who was mentally screwed up and beneath other fans or something like that. There are extremely diverse fans of Taylor, and I encourage every single one to be able to share their experiences with no shame and how they've grown or even just made it through one day because of her.

I've been a fan of Taylor since "Tim McGraw" first came out. I'm generally not into country mainstream pop music at all, I usually stick with rock or alternative; I have piercings and tattoos, I'm rough around the edges. My love for Taylor always gets me snarky remarks or disbelief or jokes or all of the above, but I've always loved her and her music and constantly played it at any job I had and sang my heart out and it brought me comfort and happiness, always. I needed music to help me deal with inner turmoil that was always going on, we all need music to escape the things we can't handle, and Taylor is one of the ones who has never let me down in that aspect.

I've spent time in hospitals and institutions since about 2010, at least once a year, if I'm not mistaken, all for mental and legal reasons, usually stemming from some sort of substance abuse. Every time I have ended up in any of these places, something regarding Taylor Swift has come up on TV without me knowing about it beforehand. I've seen at least 3 awards shows that she's performed at while in the hospital or jail, and during the couple of weekend sanctions I had in 2017, she happened to be deleting everything on Instagram and uploading the content for Reputation. I have constantly found myself in places when I was at my worst, and she always showed up and gave me something to be truly happy and excited about and it all brought me so much comfort.

The history for my legal issues began in April of 2013 when I was grieving my cousin's suicide. I couldn't handle the emotions I saw at the funeral and it broke my heart and my mind; it brought on a lot of guilt and isolation, and I handled it all very badly by resorting to alcohol as an escape for 6 weeks non-stop. I committed 2 felonies under the influence in May and ended up spending 3 months in jail. I lost the job I had really enjoyed, I lost the chance to get my life together like a normal person, I ruined my relationship, to say the least, and I ended up on probation for 5 years.

During the last 5 years, I have received 2 extensions for probation, 1 year each. The first extension resulted in me moving back in with my family and securing a job I loved for almost 2 years, then some part time jobs I didn't enjoy so much after that. I was also still constantly drinking, which directly affected how I lost all of those jobs.

In November of 2017, not even a week after Reputation dropped, I was asked to move out of my parent's house. I didn't go about it logically or responsibly and I moved in with a friend for a month then was asked to leave there after losing yet another job I had barely been at for a month. I ended up in a very unsafe, dirty apartment with people I barely knew and a month later, I was using something I told myself I never wanted to use. I had slowly been giving up on life again, and that was what really broke me down, the fact that I willingly used something I hated so much. I stopped caring about everything except my best friend and music.

I had also been avoiding probation for those few months. I wasn't calling in to do my UAs, I didn't let them know I was basically homeless and on drugs, I disappeared from that part of my life. A few weeks into my using, I had a breakdown; something told me to get out of the apartment and that I would die there if I stayed. Even though I had stopped caring about my life, I became very afraid for my safety at that moment. I spent hours trying to find someone to get me and my things, and once my friend showed up, I had her take me to an outpatient facility I had been in and out of for a few years. I told my counselor everything that was going on, and she told me to go to the hospital and check into a crisis center when I was released.

I spent 2 weeks in the crisis center (The Lorax came on TV once, I got to hear Taylor's voice, and also when I'd call my best friend and she'd play some songs for me), and it just so happened that a program I was part of for probation had their main office in the same building.

The day I was released, March 6th, 2018, I was taken to my probation officer and told her what happened. She had me sign for a 9 month behavior modification program for felons with substance abuse issues in Gatesville, TX. Prison rehab, in short. Not quite prison, but on prison grounds, with TDCJ officers and rules, and a 7 digit prison ID number, and white clothes with black boots that say OFFENDER on the bottom of them, but not quite prison. I turned myself into county March 14th, and on April 18th, I was transferred to the facility.

In short, my time there was the biggest wake up call of my life. I managed to stay pretty positive through it all, compared to the few really bad days I'd have and the types of situations the other women were in. I met some amazing women who helped me realize how much of my life I had wanted and how much potential I had and how beautiful life could be if I just lived it with an open heart. The program itself meant well, but I couldn't fully appreciate the benefits in the environment we were in.

Taylor and her music were constantly there for me in one way or another. Soon after I arrived, I caught the Billboard music awards by chance and just knew she'd be there, even though she hadn't been at an awards show in a while, and I was right. I broke down crying realizing I wasn't going to make it to the Reputation tour like I had planned. I made it my resolve to get my life on track and see her perform one day, when I deserved it, when I was put back together.

The days that got too heavy for me, I'd sing and dance to her music in my head, both in the dorm and at work in the kitchen; a fellow Swiftie and I chose a Song Of The Day constantly [hashtagForeverandAlways, hashtagTaylorSwifthelpedmegetthroughprison]; on the rec yard one night, we played Radio and I jumped in with "Love Story" and the whole yard was singing along and lit up my soul; so many days, I got random songs stuck in my head only to get those lyrics in the mail the next day from my best friend; when I felt like breaking down, I'd go to my bunk and curl up and sing Taylor to myself; when I was finally released to the halfway house, I began to catch up with her posts and was so elated to see butterflies and Scrabble and 283 [March 5th Instagram post], all of which was so important to me in the program; last week, I was part of a community meeting, and they were taking song requests, so I asked for "Shake It Off" and got up in front of so many strangers and sang and danced like I never had before, and I had a BLAST.

A year ago, I was so unhappy and didn't want to live, I didn't see the point in anything and felt lost and hopeless. Taking a year away from everything I knew did me a lot of good, the program did me a lot of good, meeting new people did me a lot of good, but I don't know where I'd be in my recovery right now if I didn't have Taylor to look up to for inspiration and to teach me how to value and love myself in a healthy state of mind. I'm so excited for life and the experiences I'm going to have, and I owe SO much of it to her.

Taylor, thank you for what you do for the world, for your fans, for anyone who feels like they don't belong, like they have no purpose and that they'll always be miserable. You've pulled so many people out of that, and you've helped me find my way back to myself before I ever realized I was going to follow that road, back when I first heard you and didn't understand why I was so into your music, but loved and accepted it anyway. I never realized you were going to be someone who led me out of my darkness. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am so blessed to be here today to continue to see you rise higher and higher and break all barriers that other people placed on you, because you believed in yourself above all else. You're my hero, and I only wish the happiest life for you.

I love you. 💓

@taylorswift

P.S. I never intended to watch Cats in my life but that's definitely a priority now.