#but i'm figuring shit out internally it's just a Process i do better on my own

[xbadnews-a]

tonight i've been almost entirely unavailable ooc! I've been painting & drawing & listening to cr. i just haven't been in the right headspace to be talking to people so I've stayed mostly to myself <3

[tealvenetianmask]

How Blitz and Stolas figure out how they feel: external vs. internal processing

I've been in therapy a ton (feeling like I'm not alone in that in this fandom), and one of the things I've learned from it is that I like to process my thoughts and feelings externally- by talking about them. It turns out not everyone is like that. I'm like Blitz in this way.

I first got on this topic when I was thinking about how Blitz flip flops in Apology Tour. When he goes to see Stolas at the beginning of the episode, he goes in with an idea he's trying out- a narrative he's committed to FOR NOW, insisting that he's there to reinstate the full moon deal with TONS of undue and shaky confidence.

Is this plan something he's actually confident in? Absolutely not. But he's going to commit to it damnit and see how it plays out. Does he believe it? I think he does in the moment. He's convinced himself anyway, and when Stolas wears him down and he understands that he's not doing himself any favors . . .

He starts processing the real shit aloud.

I don't think Blitz has ever admitted this to himself, at least not this articulately and accurately. He needs to say it aloud in order for it to be real. Oops too real.

He's SCARED because he didn't even KNOW he felt this way, but things are becoming very clear and dangerously close to the heart of the matter . . . so he pivots again back into comfortable territory (conflict).

By the end of the conversation, he arrives at a new mission, one that's sort of an equilibrium between his realizations about his honest feelings and his need to have a mission he feels confident in. He's not all confident or all honest- he's still in flux.

There are SO many more examples of Blitz realizing how he feels BY TALKING (later in Apology Tour when he's talking to Stolas, and then when he's talking to Verosika . . . but then also back in Oops, etc.), but I'm going to leave it at one for brevity here. What's important is that we NEVER see Blitz processing alone. Even in his part of the duet (more on songs in a sec), when he's technically singing to himself, he's consoling himself with a narrative rather than really processing the things that need to be processed.

Blitz needs a person to process with.

But Stolas is an internal processor. We know this already because he made the plan to give Blitz the Asmodean crystal and sat on it for literal months, procuring the crystal, ironing out what he would say, trying to initiate conversations with Blitz, but never explaining how he felt to anyone before it was time- and absolutely NEVER in a way that was half baked.

The way Stolas sings his feelings actually gives us a really clear and beautiful picture of how he processes and figures things out. I forget who said it, but someone on the Helluva creative team referenced a broadway truism that in a musical, characters sing what they can't speak. I think for Stolas it's often what he can't YET speak because he's still processing. He has full honest conversations with himself (Stolas Sings, Just Look My Way), and then when he's face to face with Blitz, he knows exactly what he wants to say. His feelings and beliefs actually progress from song to song- he expresses his awareness of a problem in Stolas Sings and gets more precise about how he feels and what he needs to do about it in Just Look My Way.

By The Full Moon, for better or worse (kind of both), Stolas knows exactly what he wants to say to Blitz and how he wants to say it.

Even when he's upset, angry, and then drunk, when Stolas speaks about his feelings, he's consistent. He's decided. He loves Blitz. He wants a real relationship. From his point of view, he doesn't care about social class, so he can't understand why Blitz is so stuck on it.

But he's missing something key (it's the social class thing- it's definitely the social class thing), and internally, he's cooking, and we see that (again) when he sings.

This is the rawest and most in flux stage of his thought process that we've seen. Because this is how he figures out what he thinks and feels- with himself, in song.

Okay- so interesting psychoanalysis- why does this matter to the story?

Well, I think that Stolas doesn't understand that when Blitz speaks in these super emotional, fraught conversations, he doesn't go in knowing what he thinks and feels. He's figuring it out on the fly. He's figuring it out BY talking, and needs to be allowed to do that. Should he do this with a therapist instead of with the person most likely to be hurt by the ideas he flies through on his way to his true feelings? For sure, but this is Blitz.

In turn, Blitz doesn't understand that when Stolas acts absolutely certain and doesn't seem to take in the things Blitz is saying, he's not talking to a brick wall. He's talking to a moveable person who, once he's alone (or singing) is going over and over everything and breaking his thoughts down and reformulating until he arrives at something new.

So . . . it might be a little much to ask these two to understand each other's different processing styles- but they're coming along in their own ways. And I'm looking forward to them understanding each other. Someday. Maybe. Fucking sit down and talk. Slowly. AGH.

[transient-winds]

OKAY Y'ALL BUT WTF WAS THIS CHAPTER IM BAWLING MY EYES OUT AS IM TYPING SO EXCUSE THE TYPOS.

(this is very much a "ume thanking sakura again" breakdown and also me crying about class 1-1 being the best people in the world wthhh)

Spoilers for Wind Breaker Chapter 162 Ahead!

THE TITLE?!?! THE TITLE.

"Everyone's Feelings"

Going into it went "oop this gonna make me cry at the end" and I STILL AM. THESE TEARS ARE FOR SAKURA AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO FEELS A LOT FOR SAKURA.

I was so prepared for things to end last chapter, NOPE, turns out there was MORE. *tumbles off of my chair*

Roppo Ichiza & Gravel are not at all subtle in trying to poach (not actually but in my eyes this is what i sees) Sakura via gaming like catnip and I'm oh so down for that what. Quality time with the allies y'all, I just love the comraderie!! Sakura is collecting so many big brother figures like they're pokemon. The best one is obviously Suzuri, no questions ask ("but Ume claimed him first-" HUSH DEARS WE ARE LETTING SUZURI TAKE THE SPOTLIGHT).

Ofc Suo ever the shit stirrer but we get an amazing look at Sakura's stompy stomp!!

My thoughts on Umemiya and Sakura's moment post-Noroshi:

Umemiya thanking Sakura again but this time for reaching out to their allies is such a beautiful moment!!

I understand why Ume never thought about asking for help because the man has been burdening himself with so much responsibilities. He saw the fight with Noroshi, or rather HIS fight with Takiishi, as HIS responsibility and everyone else involved were collateral to the consequences of his "failures" (i.e. not being able to defeat Takiishi sooner). His mind was clouded with so much pressure over what he has to do to maintain the peace he helped build in Makochi that it limited his vision, feeling like he can only rely on people within reach (Bofurin). It didn't help that Ume and his kings continually treating and referring to Noroshi as THEIR shadows and THEIR past, thus THEIR problem so its no wonder that same sentiment ripple down to everyone else in Furin too. Everyone except Sakura that is.

Sure, an argument can be made that had things not gone over well with Shishitoren and Gravel, there wouldn't be any allies to ask help from but I'd counter-argue that Roppo Ichiza was already an established ally of Furin. If Sakura hadn't been there and the battle of Noroshi was still set in motion, I wholeheartedly believe that Bofurin wouldn't have reached out to them at all. This is because of their conditioned mindset of not having anyone but each other (in Furin) dealing with the problems that threaten their town. Makochi residents are so used to dealing with things internally.

Sakura—who's new in town, had begun the process of learning to rely on people and was traumatized by his recklessness during the KEEL arc—had no such limitation or mindset and that's why only he had the thought of asking aid from their allies. Only he was able to think of the bigger picture in this situation. Expecting Noroshi to have an army? Well let's get an army of our own too! Especially when he knows the strengths of his allies so it added to their defense and offense.

So yes! Sakura IS amazing and we should give him the biggest round of applause because he single handedly turned the tide on the battle by doing the one thing Chapter 1 Sakura wouldn't thought of doing: asking for help.

Which is why this panel hurts me so much. It hurts because he's already a shining presence similar to Ume and he did it just by being himself. I hope that later on, Sakura will recognizes that for himself too.

He doesn't have to be another Umemiya, he just needs to be the better him.

Hiragi says it best about what makes Sakura so captivating yet incredibly fragile and all of Class 1-1 understands this very well.

Someone needs to look out for Sakura because if they don't, he'll fall into the same mistakes and flawed mindset Umemiya had.

Every moment they had done leading up to the barbeque was most likely a part of that drive. The drive to be strong enough to help carry Sakura's current and future burdens so he wouldn't have to do it alone. And they'll continue to do so as long as they stand behind their beloved grade captain, their leader.

NII-SENSEI, WHAT GAVE YOU THE AUDACITY TO TUG ON MY HEARTSTRINGS LIKE THISSS. OMGGGG WTFFF. *wailing and sobbing pathetically in the corner*

—

Honorable (Silly) Mentions (because my heart is in pain and i need humor to mend it):

The Togasaku stare, Sakura's sixth sense for Togame looking at him is just hrk im dying. My heart is so full of affection for Sakura and then they add this??? At THE BEGINNING??? SIRS STOP MAKING EYES AT EACH OTHER!! Y'ALL MAKE ME SICK (with love)

Choji why are you so squishable, you absolute fiend. I love you reincarnation of the killer rabbit of Caerbannog!!

Kanuma, honey, you gotta stand up for yourself :(!! Suo's not even looking at you directly (or is he 👀)

—

I'm dead, deceased even. Nii-sensei, their team and the official english TL team have killed me and dumped my body in a river of my own tears. DECEASED I TELL YOU!! The biggest love sending their way because wow haha I've crying for the past hour.

Thank you for reading this post too, my usual bs spouting nonsense but emotional edition. Still I'm happy with how it turned out because I realized a lot of things on why Noroshi arc was so much more different than the previous battles, sharing the most similarities with KEEL in terms of how unprepared Furin was to face their opponents and winning had only been in their favor with the outside help. Which I also liked to think was partially where Sakura had came up with the idea thus fully learning his lesson on what it means to bear the responsibilities of a leader.

[homunculus-argument]

The first time I tried to seek transgender diagnosis, I got turned down for it. I had sought my way into the diagnostic process when I was 13 or 14, and after testing and interviewing me for three years, I got a negative diagnosis at 17, on the grounds that not being legally assigned male didn't seem to cause me sufficiently remarkable distress. I had been tightroping that shit for years out of fear that they'd deem me too anxious, distressed and clinically depressed to endure the transitioning process (which they had implied was also a real possibility), and I had leaned too hard the other way.

At that point in my life masking the fact that I'm in devastating emotional distress wasn't just second nature to me - I wasn't aware that I had some other, original nature underneath it. So I took their diagnosis at face value and figured that "okay, so my first assumption was right - nobody wants to be a girl, it's just supposed to hurt and everyone else's just better at enduring it than I am."

So the clothing I wore and the way I presented myself changed overnight. I went from wearing grey hoodies and ratty jeans into short skirts, clumsy heavy makeup, clumsy heavy jewellery and low-cut tops. I could not make myself wear jeans because those are "men's clothes", and instead of being anxious about not passing for male, I got overwhelmed with being anxious about looking mannish, being undesirable. It was like an one-man cargo cult, doing my best to do everything externally "right", but without any inherent spark of femininity to inspire it.

And it's not like I was even raised in a particularly gendered or conservative environment - me and my sister had a remarkably gender-neutral upbringing, though those words weren't used in Finland in the 90s. I wasn't taught any ideas at home that women can't wear pants or have careers - our mother was an international sales agent for crying out loud - but I had internalised the idea that it's supposed to hurt, so absorbing the idea that my body was simply an uncomfortable decorative object came unconsciously.

So I spent a few years dressing like everyone's least favourite girl in a Tim Burton film brothel, and almost got married.

[philosophika]

Writeblr Positivity Tag

Hi @inkovert! Thank you, as always, for the tag. Just a quick shout-out; if you don't know Inkovert yet, please please please go check out their WIP, My Dearest Enemy. Also, do you like having in-depth discussions about writing with other up-and-coming authors? Participate in @inkovert's Spilled Ink Saturdays. The first session (on book-to-screen adaptations) was a lot of fun!

✦ What motivates you to write?

I agree with @inkovert. It's not that I'm motivated to write, exactly... It's more that I feel I... have to? There's a sort of internal inertia that keeps pulling me back to fiction. Maybe it's obsession? Maybe it's Maybelline? 💃😉 No, but seriously, I think it may be connected to this weird instinct I have to document things? To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, when I was in my mid-twenties, I went through a terrifying break-in. I kid you not; there was a literal man with a balaclava crouched in my shower in the middle of the night. How did I respond? By screaming, obviously. But after the screaming? I called up my boyfriend and narrated every single detail of what I saw and heard while trying to escape the house with my family. In my mind, I felt it was critical to tell him what was going on, not because I thought it would help catch the culprit(s) (we didn't know if there were more), save us from whatever bitter fate awaited, etc., but kind of in the same way people carve "I was here" into walls? If I was going to die (which was a possibility; a friend's father died in similar circumstances at around the same time), I needed someone to know what I'd seen, to know that I'd seen... So, do I write because I'd die if I didn't? No. I write because I'm going to die anyway. Because I know I'm going to die.

✦ A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud of/happy with. If not, maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them):

I can do you one better! Because @inkovert kindly tagged me, I'd like to return the favour by referring you to their Wattpad page, where you can read their current WIP, My Dearest Enemy

✦ Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them, and what are they like?

Haha, I don't know if any of the OCs in The Sorcerer's Apprentice make me smile. They all worry me a lot. By accepting an apprenticeship with the sorcerer Valeriano, Altaluna is heading straight into a nest of venomous vipers, and they are going to maim her; they are going to maim her for life. Every time she feels optimistic or wow-ed by the glitz and the glam of her new environment, I cringe internally. My poor, sweet summer child! Valeriano, on the other hand, is a monster, so it's hard to smile when thinking of him. Hmm... maybe the only character I genuinely smile around is Cucufate, the talking monkey. He's the only character whose behaviour and snide comments can be underplayed as just 'animal antics,' which means he's the only character who can get away with giving people a little of what they truly deserve. It's hard not to love him for it.

✦ What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

Again, I have to agree with @inkovert. The editing process means no blank page, and no blank page means (rejoice!) no existential suffering. My first drafts are always shit and a disappointment. But my second drafts? Dost thou want to live deliciously? With the second draft, I know where I'm going, what's happening, where to trim the fat and everything I need to make the story what I wanted it to be in the first place. Usually, I downright discard the first draft and write the entire story from scratch, but better, so much better. And editing the second (or sometimes, third) draft? Pure, unadulterated bliss. Goodbye, low self-esteem, goodbye doubts; cue me some Nina Simone, why don't you?

✦ What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

Editing, re-drafting. I'm good at figuring out what's wrong and have no trouble whatsoever massacring my darlings.

✦ What is something in the writeblr community that is most enjoyable?

The community! I love participating in tag & ask games, reading people's work, celebrating my mutual's triumphs, and sharing my progress. I don't have any writer friends outside of Tumblr (apart from academic writer friends, though they're a very different kettle of fish), so I really appreciate being able to log on and be met with all this creativity.

✦ A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

Okay, so first thing first: I have ADHD. Any thought I have is an explosion that simultaneously sends spin-off thoughts in every imaginable direction, which, in turn, send spin-off thoughts in every imaginable direction, and so on and so forth, and on and on, until some of the spin-offs reach a dead end and their line withers, and/or I reach the limits of my capacity to hold all these thoughts in my mind and spontaneously combust. Instead of trying to fight this multi-generative tendency (this leads to a state of paralysis where I can't do anything), I've found a way to let the 'explosions' take the lead without overloading my systems, so to speak. Basically, I figured that if I stored every direction my mind went in somewhere other than my mind, I could let it do its thing without risking burnout. For that, I use MindNode, a visual brainstorming software. And let me tell you, it's been a life-saver. Now, when considering a scene, I document every possible route available to the characters and/or the setting, assign each ramification a score (for example, +1 Worldbuilding, +1 Foreshadowing, +1 Symbolism, +1 Character Development, -1 Cliché, -1 Undermines Tension, -1 Repetitive, etc.), and then choose the one with the highest score to write out. This method is obviously quite time-consuming, but it does have some unique strengths beyond helping me deal with my ADHD: (1) it ensures that there are no superfluous scenes in the grand design, (2) it ensures that all scenes are layered and fulfil multiple story functions at once, (3) it discourages going with the first option that presents itself (usually cliché, in my case), (4) it encourages out-of-the-box creative thinking, (5) and, finally, it's likely to lead to scenes that surprise you, the writer (for example, I was shocked by how many routes led to my character's death, lol). So, yeah, MindNode has been very helpful to me.

✦ A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law, etc)

I love the magic system, but I'm not sure I'll reveal anything more about it before publication than I already have in this post. You're just going to have to wait and see ;)

✦ Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters:

I follow TONS of talented writers on this site, among them: @inkovert, @that-chibi-writer, @tate-lin, @kingkendrick7, @ettawritesnstudies, @blind-the-winds, @aquadestinyswriting, @avrablake, @alinacapellabooks, @lordfenric-writes, @moonscribbler, @cee-grice, @sender-paulson, @sarah-sandwich, @liv-is, @athenswrites, @junypr-camus, @rubywrite, @winterandwords, @salmonandfox, @merlina87, @songsofsomnia, @words-after-midnight, @lucianinsanity, @talesofsorrowandofruin, @nanashi23, @sam-glade, @at-thezenith, @kestalsblog, @kaatiba, @theunboundwriter, and so many more!

[pocket-aces]

Let's hear them secret scientist headcannons, lay em on us

Cheveyo and Dr Bara I don’t have any hcs for and I’m saving my miranda ones because I got an ask about her specifically.

Beeman 🛸

Beeman is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. 1. He always looks at things objectively for the answer that’s the most beneficial to bettering humanity as a whole. (Side note that’s probably the whole organisations premise: find and figure out how dangerous unexplained shit works before anyone else in the population does)

2. He uses insults as a form of showing affection and doesn’t mean to be as blunt as he is

3. There are multiple instances in canon where he points out specific seemingly random things about certain smells, suggesting he might have some sort of sensory processing disorder which is common in people with ASD

4. He lives and breathes his hyper-fixation and doesn’t really pick up Zak/Fisk’s boredom when he’s making them rewatch hours of fake alien footage whilst he’s really into the details of it

I know some people see him as a season 3 villain but generally I just can’t. He’s more likely to go all hermity and stew for a while over how his hypothesis was wrong than hunt down the saturdays for revenge.

Dr Cheechoo ❄️

- youngest member of the group

- stayed largely neutral in the kur thing because this man is so anti conflict it can sometimes be to his detriment

- Has a crush on Doyle (I ship them in some scenarios with a slow burn thing going on) and its a secret he’s ready to take to the grave until someone badgers him into just asking the guy out

Mizuki 🏔️

- wish we had a bit more development on him, particularly in the second season to play on what he and Zak had in common

- probably never ends up getting a replacement body.

- We also never found out what his secret scientist specialisation was.

Grey Men 🧪

- So many people have already found references/easter eggs about these guys I agree with so I have very little to add

- I do have one AU that they are kind of key in (its Doyle centric but has the greymen as the antagonists on some unethical human cryptid genetic testing in the name of creating an army to protect international security, all whilst francis tries to expose them)

[my-castles-crumbling]

whats up cas? reckon you could gimme some advice? 

so i’ve just graduated and i’m taking a gap year. but right now it’s the summer and i’m going on hols with my family.

but I realised recently me and my mates will be far from each other for a lot of the time. cause most of them are gonna go to skl and stuff. 

I mean my best mates coming on my gap year with me but, most of them, we’ll be away from. 

one of my mates, Leo (it’s chill to use his name right, u don’t know me or him) we both really wanted him to come with us on the gap year but he’s worked himself dead and won’t give himself a break to chill out. 

the other day me and him were hanging out when he admitted he used to have a crush on me before we became friends. and i ended up telling him I also used to have a crush on him before we became friends.

and then he flipped out.

he’s known i’m bi for a while, I had a boyfriend for a bit last year. plus he’s gay. so it can’t have been a shock.

and I used to flirt with him all the time, so idk what he’s been doing this whole time. 

but he was weird as hell about it and that was three days ago and he won’t text me back.

is it not hypocritical of him to care that I used to be interested when he also used to be interested? 

I figure maybe it’s internalised shit but idk if it’s better to let him reach out to me or to like, drop by his place so we can talk. 

Hi! <3

I almost wonder if he still likes you? Like if he was lying about not liking you anymore? Because if that was the case, that would warrant freaking out.

I would give him a bit more time before showing up at his house. Whether it's internalized shit or him still liking you, let him process. But yeah, if he's still not answering after a few days, call him out on his bullshit.

Keep me updated, I'm curious!

Naming you leo anon!

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: You Make My Heart Explode (21x05)

Teddy and Owen are so annoyyyyyingggg...

Cons:

I'm sad for no Yasuda this week because I know we're losing her soon. I wonder if we're just phasing her out right now with not much more content to follow. It's a bummer.

Lucas and Simone have a romantic moment in this episode and while nothing was super annoying about their scene, I do just want to lodge my familiar statement that they bore me. Just so that's on the record.

Owen and Teddy are not fun to watch. In one sense they are realistically like an old married couple, but only in all the worst ways. Owen is such a whiner, and Teddy is so rude to him, and they both rather unprofessionally let it carry over into their working relationship, and then Richard has to do a Wise Old Man routine and talk to Teddy about it, and Owen has to remember how to be romantic and connect with her so they don't have to schedule sex... it's just so tedious. Better, I suppose, than the kind of melodrama that makes me hate the characters with a fiery passion, but worse than if they'd just fade quietly into the background and walk off of the show while nobody's watching. I can't believe these are the characters that are sticking around, and not Schmitt and Yasuda.

Pros:

I really liked Schmitt and Adams's dramatic helicopter adventure with their young patient! I felt some real tension for them and then felt the corresponding relief when they made it back safe. Amelia making eye contact with Lucas was a nice little touch, checking in subtly on her family... I also loved that Monica gave Levi the validation that he does belong in pediatrics and that she does believe he can be good at it. Schmitt is a lesson in how making a bad first impression doesn't mean you can't ultimately be really successful and find your place in the world. He takes a little longer to figure things out, but he always gets there in the end!

I was right about his love interest dude, too. Turns out, not a cheating thing. A dead husband thing. The comedy of Jo and Levi hiding in Jo's car from their problems as their men accost them from the outside was really funny, but I'm glad they didn't drag things out any more than that. Levi knows the truth now and they can proceed from there. I loved the line about how this is all really new for him, dating after being widowed... it puts Levi in a position to be the one trying to make someone else feel comfortable and safe, which I thing will be good for him!

Jo and Link are never going to be my favorite thing in the world, but I did at least like that they addressed the tension and fear they felt about the pregnancy in the way that they did. Link's fix-it attitude is his own way of coping with his fear, and it clashes with the way Jo needs to emotionally process. That seems like a very realistic conflict for them to be facing!

Blue ends up being an advocate for a member of the janitorial staff who has a serious health condition and can't afford treatment. I like stories about Kwan giving a shit, even though it's not like it's some big secret that he has a soft heart underneath all the attitude. I have a feeling that this will be a story-line that carries through the season, which is something Grey's has gotten better and better about doing in recent seasons - we learn that the hospital administrators want to help this guy get the treatment he needs, but the timetable might prove an issue, as the man has a son with special needs who can't be left on his own. I'd love to see Blue continue to problem solve on this and learn to be a better doctor and person through the experience.

I'm sure I've missed stuff here and there - Ben seems to be settling in just fine, Bailey is still a little anxious about it, the interns are all exhausted picking up Yasuda's shifts, but they're hanging in there. We finally saw potential movement on the Amelia/Monica front, but not a lot of development. Maybe we'll get a Meredith check-in soon? We'll find out soon enough!

7/10

[intrepid-creations]

Okay so ..... I'm still working on the thing that I'm doing (sorry I'm like on night shift number 3 and coherent thought is not my forte at this point. But vibes are. And here are some vibes.) The thing I'm doing is more than this sketch of Eivor. It's Eivor and like a ton of other people and Soma weaving them all together like a Sami band and look it'll be done eventually.

But I just wanted to kinda give a bit of an idea about my process.

Which I can only sum up as:

Internal screaming and wondering what I'm doing with my life.

First ... sketch the thing.

Like ... I'm getting better at poses. And by better I mean about 90% of the time I still need to trace over a ref photo to figure out how the fuck the human body functionally moves. Because I never went to art school and I didn't get to stare at naked women (or men) to do anatomy drawings.

Second ... Cry in a corner

Decide how I'm going to shade this thing. Because I could go either of two ways - "color" in the line art as all white and then subtract to shade... kind of like how you'd handle shading a regular sketch. I tried that.

And what I got was something I'd describe as: Actual Disney Princess Eivor fuckin' Varinsdottir. Which while she collects enough goddamn animals to qualify as one - it was not what I was going for here.

So I move to step 3:

Look up an absolute fuck ton of references on lithographs and shading on lithographs (which ... quick definition: they're like hand-made prints. You sketch the thing on a block of limestone with special ink or whatever, then you can use that to make a ton of prints - but basically ... you have to do a lot of interesting things with shading. Look it up to know what I'm talking about. But if you've seen like tarot cards or even US currency - that's the kind of shading I'm talking about.

First ... I edit the hell out of the reference to really get the contrast up and make it grayscale. Helps me find the highlights and shadows.

Hej there sexy.

Anyway - got the ref down. Now spend the next like three hours doing the shading. Or really ... it's just coloring in her face but like with a bunch of lines and shit.

And voila...

She looks like she belongs on the $1000000 bill.

Still not even REMOTELY done with this but I'm tired, it's almost noon, and I'm still on night shifts so I really need to go to fucking sleep. GOOD NIGHT.

[indistarlight]

"It's when a dog doesn't eat. That's when you know something's really wrong."

This line from Sam in My Bloody Valentine has always come back to me throughout the show and as we see Dean's copping mechanisms. (I'm only halfway through s13 so while I know what comes after, I won't be touching anything beyond that point.) It's meant to be a remark on the worrying nature of Dean not being his usual foodie self and contrast with everybody else getting affected by Famine.

But I think it also says a lot for what Sam looks out for when he believes Dean isn't okay. And it also shows how much he misses because of this thought process.

I think the beginning of s13 contrasted with most other occasions when Dean was struggling in recent seasons (post-purgatory and MoC) is probably the best example. s13 has Dean very very clearly emotionally destroyed; he's lost quite a few people in one-go, he's lost any modicum of faith he had even in the goodwill of Chuck, he's being forced to play nice with a confusing entity who may or may not have brainwashed Cas into death and could destroy the world. And Sam sees that and is attempting to "fix" it. So: Dean not acting like his usual (in this case the baseline is faithful-to-their-line-of-duty-being-a-good-thing) sets off all the alarm bells for Sam.

But. Why? Arguably, Dean is reacting pretty damn realistically. Those eps all together in the timeline are like two weeks tops. He's still functioning, trying to help people, amenable to Jack as time goes on. I'm not saying Dean was right, but he was sympathetic. Most of the confrontations in this period are because Sam is trying to persuade Dean into normal, into Sam's perspective on things, into denial rather than depression. The episode with the psychiatrist is very interesting and lowkey fucked in this regard, because Sam creates a false narrative that Dean has to play a part in, but also get interrogated about very, very real wounds. The tables get turned however, and Dean confronts Sam on not being able to cope, or even accept their losses.

I think this shows how much Sam needs Dean to be alright so that Sam has the freedom to not be alright. If Dean is the dog that doesn't eat, Sam is the dog that'll eat himself sick (ironic given their respective appetites). Dean reacts hard and heavy and pushes himself through it, Sam doesn't react until it blows up internally or externally. Let's not forget it was always Sam as the angry brother, when push came to shove! He's still deeply angry, like in American Nightmare where Sam is decidedly Not Reacting about Mary leaving until he says this to the other complicated mother character:

"God doesn't care what kind of life you live. Trust me. And God didn't kill your daughter. You did." This is guilt. This is anger. These are the thoughts that Sam tries very hard not to think about.

For Sam, it's about control, pop psychology his way through life, doing things the Right way. And eventually that blows up in his face, but damn if he won't keep suppressing. He doesn't know how to deal but he can sure help Dean deal the right way.

What's extra wild about this is that he then is almost obliviously blind to Dean when Dean is acting Normal. Good examples are the early seasons, where Dean's laughing just to keep Sam happy during s3 or when Sam relaxes at the sight of Dean having come home after a wild night (I love love love the meta that Dean set it up to get Sam off his back, good shit yall). I think this is very fun when put next to the near erasure of Dean's trauma concerning hell, purgatory, or even the MoC really. The Cage and Sam's actions during s5's end are brought up a decent amount (not enough tbh, but that's a whole different issue) but because Dean doesn't seem to outwardly dealing with those ramifications, they can all just move on.

This isn't (much) hate against Sam by the way. Dean, for better or worse (mostly worse, for them both), was Sam's truly reliable parental figure. You want the person you rely on to be okay, so that you can continue on relying on them. There's a reason why it's Sam who'll go all the way to human sacrifice to bring Dean back, unlike Dean who'll stop after lying and self-sacrifice. Dean moved on for a year after Sam's death, no matter how much it hurt him. We all have seen s4, no need for me to repeat those points. But regardless of the reasons, there is a very set status quo that Sam relies on, and it can end up being suffocating for Dean.

[not-poignant]

Recently I unexpectedly had two weeks of paid time off work. As something to do with this sudden free time, I decided to set myself a challenge; to write a short story, which is something I had never done before. I've always admired you for having such a talent with words, and I wanted to give it a try.

And Pia... IT WAS HARD! SO HARD! >.<

I wrote every day. I was sweating. I was pacing. I was groaning. I was laying face down on the couch. Just trying to MAKE. THE. WORDS. DO. THE. THING! You make it look so easy! xDD

I literally had several of your stories open as a cheat sheet, to figure out everything from “how does punctuation work” to “how in the world does he transition from internal monologue to conversation so naturally??”

But after two weeks of nearly full time writing, I finished my first 9358 word story.

Is it any good? Probably not. Am I going to do it again? Again, probably not xD

I'm proud that I finished it and as much as I was struggling, I enjoyed the challenge.

But the most impactful thing I took away from these two weeks, is a whole new level of appreciation for your work. Deep diving into your stories, trying to figure out how they work, it honestly blew my mind. YOU ARE SO GOOD! I've always adored your writing because it resonates with me so much and it never fails to take me on an emotional journey. But now I've had a glimpse of experiencing the craft behind it and all I can say is... You truly are one of the best authors out there.

So, thank you for sharing your incredible work with the world.

Omg anon, this message was so great to get.

Firstly, firstly- you're AMAZING!!! You are so good! You had a goal, you'd never done something like this before, and you finished a 10k story? That's basically a novella! Like, holy shit anon, that's incredible tenacity given you've never done it before! Even I wasn't busting out 10k stories when I first started writing.

This message made me so happy, but also frankly really just impressed as well. In some ways it's easy to kind of not see that I've been doing this for 10+ years, I've had a lot of practice, I write faster than I used to, and I didn't used to write this fast when I started out!

I bet your story is a lot better than you think it is. And tbh, maybe you'll find a way to enjoy the process more. :D I think it's awesome you wrote what you did, even if you never do it again *flails quietly*

But also I have this gif saved permanently on my computer and I think you'll very much relate to it even after two weeks:

Also you can have this one too:

And this one!!!!

Actually you can bet I have a folder of a ton of writing gifs because it's a WHOLE mood:

--

I think it's cool though that you gained an appreciation for the craft. Like anything, I think it's great when it looks like it's easy because frankly if you feel like you're slogging it through my writing and every sentence is a burden then I've done something wrong sdalkfjads

But it is something I care about and put a lot of time and thought into, and I'm just so impressed you tried it. That's cool, friend. You're cool.

Hobbies and new skills have to watch out when you're around, it seems like your determination is very Hulk!Smash level! :D :D :D

[ask-katotter]

I see a lot of people posting about the barbie movie and how its about feminism failed at that and no??? Don't get me wrong, feminism and the patriarchy does feature, but thats not the far and away point of the movie. Plot elements, but not the primary thesis ya dig? See I'd argue the movie is actually about a little girls viewpoint on coming to grips with women's place in society, how she can define her worth within that, a process kicks into high gear during the crisis of a changing body and understanding mortality that is puberty.

Lemme explain. First we see the barbies as they begin. Perfect examples of what a person "could grow up to be" this is a phase where your being built up by your parents hopes and dreams, and all the amazing things you could do with your life. Problem the first in girls this frequently leads to a 'not like other girls phase.' This has two problems, first its prone to making you very judgemental of girls you dont relate to ei weird barbie. It also becomes internally destructive as when you start getting older as you don't just judge other people you judge yourself. If you compare yourself to other more successful people and inevitably find yourself wanting you can't function when challenged..."I'm just stereotypical barbie" is used often as both an excuse not to engage and a method of blaming herself for not being more exceptional.

Now while it seems that the movie has abandoned the theme of little girl growing up when we realize that our protagonist's child is in fact already an adult. But its not. For starters I present Ken. Ken is enamored by the concept of a patriarchy and brings his version of it home to barbie land right? But its a little girls version of the patriarchy. Not a man's. Beer is everywhere yet nebulous and vague, its very much about dressing up manly as Patrick Swayze, and most importantly HORSES. DEAR GOD THE HORSES. So here's the thing, men do think cowboys are manly but often as not they don't give a single shit about the horses. But you know who's obsessed with horses? Little girls. And you know what little girls think is really reeeeeally manly?

Guys who like horses.

This of course is part of the barbies obsessed with Ken phase, where they are what they think ken wants and nothing more. A lot of kids go through solely seeing a relationship as the be all end all goal of growing up, but it really doesn't help you. If you solely are defined by your significant others you are both purposeless without them, and not going to grow at all. The barbies realize this when they figure out that much of their discomfort is from trying to fit this mold. Ultimately barbie convinces Ken that finding who you are through a relationship is impossible, and its not fair to yourself or the other person.

AND SO my theory is this. The movies central thesis is played out through the eyes of a little girl but it is literally "what is an adult?" Its not as barbie first thought to be utterly exceptional and perfect be that in looks or in achievement. Not as Ken thought as a relationship to be obtained. Its about just rolling up yourselves and dealing with things now because well you gotta. And so we end on the final joke. Barbie is going to the gynecologist. What better example of shit you just gotta roll with as an adult.

This is also why barbies human was not a little girl but a mother to a little girl gone on nearly adult. It brings up a lot of feelings to watch someone else go through all the changing understandings you had to. You hope they will figure out how to navigate all the different ways you can define yourself. All you can do is let go of your illusion of control in life and stay in touch with yourself through your own lens. As you vicariously relive that watching the changing in your kid, you see the world as a child once more and pray your daughter figures things out the same way you did, while reexamining it yourself.

Lastly I'd like to get to the old lady barbie tearfully tells "your beautiful" and she says "i know" it's not just a joke comparing the wacky old lady to the blonde 10. Its directly showing that old lady has something barbie still needs, that final stage of growing up. Someone who's confident enough to accept themselves as they are, who likes themselves without comparison to anyone else. Hell Ruth even laughs about her tax evasion issuesm Getting old is rough in a lot of ways but getting to the point where you are just you and fuck what anyone else thinks? stunning. Well and truely beautiful.

[khaleesiofalicante]

ok i’m still processing the chapter (and that cliffhanger‼️) but i wanted to note some of my initial thoughts/ reactions/ questions

1. the flashback scene dani why????? but actually i love how you compared max’s depression to a horror movie. i’ll do a deeper analysis of the chapter later but i just wanted to point out how i loved that

2. we finally got the “i wanna see daddy” and the angst is unreal

3. just the entirety of the mavid hospital scenes 🥺

4. max saying he’s trying to be more careful with his heart now is just another great indicator of how much he’s grown and matured over the years

5. can we get a hint on max’s tattoo please???? i have a feeling it’s close to his chest (pun intended) and has something to do with the david tattoo he already has

6. “sometimes shit is hard to internalize” so true, bestie

7. love lance for basically just telling max to get a grip and talk to david properly

8. max asking lance to tell him how he should show his love and he’ll do it, that’s such an amazing part of the chapter. yes people can show their love differently, but love can also be shown by loving someone the way they want to be loved

9. “what? was i supposed to tell him over candlelit dinner” lance, max, and alec all have a brand of quick and witty sarcasm that i adore

10. david really is living his best life with good food, great house, and an awesome music taste. i have additional commentary on how awesome it is that a lot of your stories feature middle-age characters but that’s for another time

11. david petting merlin is the actual character development here

12. david still not wanting max go to on dangerous missions after all this time 💛

13. the mon ange contact name!!!!!!!!!!!

14. max finally figuring it out 🙌

15. what pov is the next chapter going to be in? i know you said you would alternate between mavid and outsider povs but since you added a chapter, idk if that’s still your plan

alright it’s time for me to go to sleep, just wanted to share my reactions ☺️

the movie thing was completely improvised. I had no idea how to write that scene and just went with the flow. I'm really glad it worked out :)

that will forever haunt me ngl

mavid + hospitals >>>

MAX >>>>>

Close enough (pun intended too)

Max only speaks facts

Lance better be doing some arm workouts cuz he is truly holding the mavid fam together oof

exactly this!!!

quick wit is a lightwood-bane trait hehe

i love love love writing about middle aged characters. i feel like there is so much more to explore. i could write an essay about this honestly

so true bestie

david really said fuck the FBI (but not literally 👀)

some things never change (it was also why in the show Michael was called Mon Cheri)

10 POINTS TO SLYTHERIN

The next ones are David, Max, and Epilogue :)

[lilithdanan]

Discovery- Bella x Edward

1,380 words (I think, I did some editing and don't feel like figuring it out again)

This is a pregnant Bella fic, you have been warned

Hello! This is an offering I give unto you from my own Twilight headcanon-verse.

Let's start with some context: Bella and Edward find out she is pregnant on Isle Esme and choose to stay there and let the family come to them. They decide this is a better option because it keeps them far away from anyone who could possibly want to harm them, including the wolves and the Volturi. Just like in the book as soon as Rosalie arrives Bella runs straight to her indicating that she is definitely keeping the baby. In this version however, Bella is more in tune with her body and listens to her cravings. What will she do when she realizes what she's craving?

Mentions of blood but no violence or gore, this is just a fluffy, cute snippet of discovery (very adorable couple-y shit happens in this be prepared to gag)

A feeling of desperate longing interrupts my sleep. My eyes flutter open as I automatically search for Edward. Of course he's right beside me holding my hand. I smile at him and lift my hand weakly trying to touch his face.

"Good morning darling" he murmurs against my knuckles as he lifts my hand for me.

I am about to speak when a dream-like scene flashes before my eyes.

Red, warm, wet, metallic. Blood? My throat burns in an unfamiliar way as I blink the image away

Edward leans forward gently tracing my pained expression.

"What hurts my love?" his voice breaks and I just know he hates himself right now

"No no I'm not in pain," well no more than usual anyway, "I just had a weird dream I think"

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks

I shrug as much as my body will allow me and say "I don't really remember anything it's more just a strange feeling that's all"

He nods and kisses my hand.

The burn in my throat has decreased but it still feels scratchy, like I need water. I internally cringe at the thought of water and my stomach lurches like I might vomit.

Without meaning to I look at the bag of blood hanging next to me and my mouth fills with saliva. I want it. I swallow hard. I want to drink it.

Whoa, okay. Wow. Holy crow I totally just thought about drinking blood.

My eyes drift back to Edward as I process this and I find him looking at me expectantly. "Is there anything you want? Anything that you think you can keep down?" His face is very controlled as he asks this but I know he's desperate.

A wild thought enters my head and I don't want him freaking out while I do it so I try and think of something that will take some time to prepare. My eyes must light up when I strike upon an idea because Edward smiles back at me, a real smile, a hopeful smile.

"I actually think eggs sound really great" it takes a lot out of me to lie to him so enthusiastically and even more to force the word eggs out of my mouth without gagging. He nods his head and kisses my hand.

"I'll ask Carlisle to make-"

"No!" I say it too forcefully, if I had any excess blood left in my body I would blush like a tomato. I try to back track, "I, well, I uhm. I just need a human moment if that's okay?" Ha, there is nothing human about what I'm going to do.

His eyes soften. "Whatever you need my love" he leans down and gives me a feather light kiss before walking out of the room.

The second I can't see him anymore I turn to the blood bag. With strength I haven't had in weeks I lift the bag off the hook and rip it out of the connection to the line in my arm. I put the end of the tube to my lips and pause thinking about what I'm about to do but before I can think about it too hard I smell the blood and feel my entire being narrow in on it.

I drink the entire blood bag without breathing. When I'm done I gasp in relief. I feel some blood trickle down my chin and I'm about to wipe it away when one of the many things monitoring me starts beeping.

Edward and Carlisle are in the room in seconds. I look up at them slightly embarrassed. I know I'll be able to explain it but I also know I look like a psycho right now. I wipe my chin with my sleeve, mom would be horrified, silently wishing I hadn't wasted those prescious drops of blood.

Edwards expression is confused for a split second before he looks at his father so shocked that I could laugh. Carlisle, on the other hand, looks like he just found the missing piece to a puzzle that has eluded him for a hundred years.

Carlisle finds his voice first and with a small smile asks "Feeling better?"

I can't help the grin that slides it's way onto face in response "I feel," I try to come up with a way to describe the instant relief from pain and fatigue that drinking the blood provided but I can't so I settle with "amazing. I feel alive"

Carlisle nods thoughtfully before asking one more question "Would you like another one?"

I nod eagerly and, for the first time in a long time, use my own strength to push myself into a more comfortable sitting position. At my movement Edward snaps out of his daze and falls to his knees beside the bed. He grabs my hand, kisses it, and then presses his face into my palm. He takes a deep breath and we stay like that for a moment before he starts shaking. A small sob escapes him that makes tears spill from my eyes.

Edward looks up at me, eyes shining with a joy I hadn't seen since the first night of our honeymoon. If he could cry, I know he would be crying tears of happiness right now. Edward gets up and gently sits next to me as Carlisle, who must have left them room at some point, comes back in with a plastic cup. I grab the cup and start drinking it with a thirst I had not been capable of until today. Edward watches in awe as I drain the whole thing before licking my lips. I finally feel full.

"More?" Carlisle prompts as he takes the cup from me.

"I think I'm good for now"

Carlisle smiles nodding "Well I'll let you two be then" and with that he walks out of the room.

I look down at my stomach when I feel my little one start to move.

"Hi baby boy," I coo rubbing my stomach "I bet you feel a lot better too huh?" Edward moves closer putting one arm behind my shoulders. Hesitantly he places his hand on my stomach. We lace our fingers together and I snuggle into his chest feeling the pure joy of this perfect moment. Everything was peaceful and quiet. Or as close as it could get to quiet with the whirring of the machines constantly monitoring me.

"Hmm?" Edward hums in question.

"What?"

"I didn't hear you, what did you say?" I lean slightly away from him so I can look at his face to see if he's joking. He seems totally serious.

"I didn't say anything Edward"

His eyes, wide with surprise, dart to where the baby is shifting inside me.

"Say something else, please" he begs as he sits up and places both hands on my stomach.

"Uhm, what do you want me to say?"

His eyes flick to my face and back to my stomach as awe overtakes his features. He lets out a short triumphant sounding laugh "I can hear him Bella. He likes the sound of your voice," he pauses, smiling "and mine"

The hand I don't have on my stomach lifts and caresses Edwards face. I trace my fingers over his smiling lips before settling my hand on his cheek.

"So," I start conspiratorially "You think he's a boy too"

He rolls his eyes sarcastically and says "Well I can't bet against my wife now can I, Mrs. Cullen?"

I giggle like a silly little girl who wrote her crush's last name next to her first name, but it's real, I really am his wife.

"My husband is smart to trust a mother's intuition" I say winking at him.

A grin lights up his face. Oh how I've missed playful Edward.

"Now can this wife request a kiss from her husband?" I say taking my hand from his face and patting the spot he was sitting in earlier.

"Why of course my darling"

Edward moves back to my side, with one hand still on my stomach, and kisses me. I tangle my free hand in his hair as our lips move together. After a moment we part and go back to snuggling like we were before he heard our son. My heart stutters as I think it again, our son.

The end

Let me know what else you want to see from my headcanon-verse ❤️

[lemon-tea-leaves]

(wrt something i rbed earlier) something i wish i'd done sooner was understand my parts but in a less like. name age pronouns sexuality are you a fictive y/n way and more in a. "what are you responding to" way.

and like. if you're in treatment you might be looking at this going "yeah duh" but like. for context, i started trying to navigate my Parts Situation™ when i was like. 15 or 16. and was in that environment for like five or six years. like comparatively me not having a heavily alter-centric view is relatively new despite it having been a few years, and i'm STILL detangling the mess, but i digress.

i think the best example i can think of is with two parts, who for now i'm just gonna call 🌸 and 👑 . who were honestly what made me realize this in the first place.

i didn't address them in terms of "i feel [🌸's passive influence] followed immediately by [👑's passive influence] in response to [trauma]. someone needs something with regards to it/is triggered by it". i fell back on "who the hell are you and why are you making me feel this way", and due to the circumstances, it made me immediately hostile.

because i see us as parts of one whole, i honestly see this as a form of self-hatred. i looked at other parts of myself and i rejected them harder than i think i've ever rejected any other part since i first started figuring this shit out. and they...responded accordingly. again, won't go into detail but they sure as fuck responded accordingly. and it scared me before, but like. yeah what were they supposed to do. how were they supposed to respond.

as i've been slowly processing The Shit They Respond To, i've started to understand them better. we're still not, like, close, but recently 👑 needed safety (i started getting "background" feelings of hostility, and it turns out someone crossed a boundary for him) and i was able to manage it. which surprised me, and i think it surprised him too.

and the best part is that. again. this is all parts of whatever whole we make. bev-host-lemon was surprised that they could take care of 👑-lemon's need. but they did it! i did a self-care by taking care of a fellow part of the Me we make up.

it's still hard, of course. aside from feelings, we don't communicate, but i'm able to manage it when they do communicate now. and i wish i'd learned that sooner. i wish i'd known that when i was 15 trying to understand this. but better late than never.

being so internally separate makes it a little weird to talk about ourselves in terms of being parts of one person, but honestly it makes a lot of things make a lot more sense and recovery feel a lot better to me.

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

One thing that has been a big theme and roadblock in my healing process lately is how much I hate how much I talk. Like, I probably hate myself for it more than anyone else does, and I've said stupid shit so you can only imagine. I've noticed how bad I am at interrupting when I get excited or think someone is misunderstanding and I legitimately still can't catch myself every time, part of it is it sadly triggers babe so he doesn't respond in a way that I respond internally well to. I end up beating myself up for it and just trying to instill in my mind to stop talking at all so I can't ever again. And of course I have adhd so it will never stick, plus I know its not healthy to 100% shut up forever so I break it eventually. I honestly just have so much trauma around being autistic and missing social queues, not seeing perspectives fully in the moment because I get defensive, not being shown healthy examples of stuff growing up ect, so I ruined relationships and friendships, and I've gotten so much better but I still interrupt and I still ramble where even I notice and hate how much I repeat myself and I don't know how to notice and stop. My brain has always output like a fucking jambalaya of words that would make much more sense in a different order, I don't know why, I have psychosis symptoms bc of bpd so maybe it's that dysreguleting my speech. And I hate when I interrupt each time I want to kill myself because it's always bc I misunderstood and then babe forgets what he was saying and it's always met with an awkward silence. Like I just want to rip my vocal cords out sometimes so I literally can't ever do that again I never mean to do it but I don't know why until after it's pointed out. And it feels so stupid this has been an addressed issue for almost two years like. I'm lucky we are extremely communicative and healthy because I really need this place to vent this without him seeing it dude, I don't want him to feel bad ever for any of it, his dad always fucking interrupted him I've seen it, usually bc he gets defensive or "knows more" and I do it there too (not bad but like, if he is critiquing a song and I happen to like q thing I'll interrupt and he'll forget the point yk). He should never feel bad for letting me know he wants me to work on being mindful of it, it's just so hard woth stuff like that and catch myself ig. I don't see how I didn't even care enough to interrupt until after and I hope trying to note it here can help me notice before more. I have already quite a few times I've just been slipping lately balancing that with other things I'm working on ect.

I just do hate how much it makes me want to fucking kill myself though, I have compounded so much of my trauma around that one personality trait of mine. I'm extremely talkative, I always have been, no one liked me because of it, I would sing out loud in class to myself until 5th grade, then I stopped talking because I realized why I was bullied, go figure. Then I started dating and that was just a flurry of examples as to why I should just shut up and maybe kill myself because I can't seem to figure out how to talk without annoying someone or making someone feel bad without meaning to. or when I was younger just straight up not having manners with friends parents. I just, I'm so tired of being myself dude. I'm tired of genuinely and soley feeling like a burden in other's lives. I can barely take care of myself financially because of my disabilities on top of it all, I'm hoping to get a job that I can do soon but time will tell.

There's just so much constantly on my mind and nowhere to put it, and at the core of it it's not just me hating myself for the mistakes I've made and could continue to, it's also just that I've started to hate my bubblyness, my passion, the level of emotion I feel no matter the emotion, and in the end being alive with the personality and cocktail of disorders I was given. I don't know if when I heal I will even love myself thereafter. I don't know if healed me will still be considered very talkative, I don't want to be annoying or even very talkative, and I have so much to say. I don't think I could ever find people who match this level of energy either I just don't. And I can't bear to keep existing this way with only people around me who would eventually grow tired of my high energy, I don't know if other people I could be friends with exist, I also haven't fully opened the gates to anyone I know rn but beeb and a little to the pl00g bc he's chill and a good friend. But even he mentally goes "okay that's enough slices" when I talk and I know it. Like, idk what to do hahahahaahahah.

Anyways since this is going to my secondary instead, now to make food I don't want and food for babe and then after I'll sit in party silently playing stardew, hearing him have fun talking a storm with his friends. And when we get done with the day, bc we don't have bud to go take smoke breaks, we'll talk again while going to sleep, and I'll inevitably talk enough to either interrupt again, or just talk enough to where he asks me to let him sleep, oooooo or I'll show him something while he's in a safe place in game and he will barely glance then immediately start talking to the boys in party and I'll want to kill myself all over again. And I'm tired of that. Need to find a way to communicate that, tried recently, did not work, he did not understand what level of "things that would make me feel like I'm not being heard or being looked at negatively for anything I did vocally that isn't obviously a thing that needs to be angry towards" or whatever wasn't specific enough. It really isn't, but idk what more to add or change to elaborate better. I also have been asking for quality time but we need money for most anything bc even driving to a place we could have a picnic or forage. I like just talking too but like, what is there to talk about. Snuggling makes him fall asleep. And smoking seshes are typically rushed bc he's in lobby for a game his friends are waiting to start. Where at this point do we get to spend time? Meals? He eats while playing at this point, I try but if lots of people are on he doesn't wanna get off or that might not all be back on for a while. And I get that but it's to a point I've almost given up until money isn't an excuse.

Idk I'm just also a little heartbroken because I don't have any clue how to say any of this. I don't know if anything would even change because like I said, what would we do? I don't want to just play games together I want to be present in reality together more often, but we can't do shit when we're broke.

I don't know why I'm still typing anymore honestly. I need to go make us food I don't even want. Don't have any time to cry in the bathroom either bc I have to face babes mom and dad face on upon exit, and they're probably home by now :)