#but i’m also getting my life back too
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i got a good grade in recovery this week 😎 gonna talk abt it in the tags so keep scrolling if that would bother u!!!! 🫶🏻
#we have established normalized eating!!!!!!!! finally !!!! now i just gotta keep it there#i was worried abt this week bc i did really bad last week and that was kinda my last consecutive warning (the previous weeks were bad too)#and i had a couple REALLY BAD DAYS this week but for the most part i made a lot of improvements!#and she said i’m getting better at being able to identify meals and where i can add more on my own#and i’m better at identifying triggers and being able to act accordingly against the disorder !!! still rough on that one but i’m starting#to get there!!!! AND YALL MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK!!!!!#i don’t just have lit tufts of baby fuzz where my hairline used to be#my hairline is SOLID NOW#and getting thicker everyday!!!! WOOOOOOO#also my we***t was stagnant for a while esp bc i was having a rough go with recovery but it finally went up#i am forcing myself to feel good about that!!!! bc truthfully if it stayed the same or went down; i would not be making progress#and i would either need to redo the week or reconsider treatment options#so i’m glad i don’t have to do that !!!!!#trying to remind myself that yeah i’m getting the we***t back#but i’m also getting my life back too#AND MY HAIR!!!!!!#very excited abt my hair
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So, despite some faults, I really enjoyed totk, and on its anniversary I want to say something about it. Other people have said similar things before but it’s really important to me and actually a big part of why the story of totk was meaningful to me, so I want to also say it:
Zelda needed to come back from draconification. The story needed that. It wasn’t lazy and just ignoring “consequences” because (imo) that was the *point*
The point is to feel like there are going to be terrible consequences and then say actually, no. You can come back from this, with the help of other people.
To me at least, that was the theme of the whole story.
If botw was about how the world goes on past loss and grief and starts to heal (how flowers grow in the ruins and the world can be beautiful again, be worth saving, even if it has changed)…then totk was about a more personal kind of healing.
The weight of the world should not be on your shoulders alone…you, alone, should not have to fix everything…you should not have to sacrifice yourself, but when you do, someone will be there to save you from it.
This turned into a really long ramble so:
You (Link) gained so much and now it’s gone. It feels like you’re back to where you started and yet you know you have to do it all again…you were weak and you failed and you’re weaker now…but
You go down to the surface. Monsters swarm across it once again. Other people are fighting them too though. You help, but it’s not just you…
You go to the Rito, the Gorons, the Zora, the Gerudo…just like with the divine beasts, there are friends who help you save each region. But this time, part of them comes along with you when you leave. It’s nice, you realize, the first time one of them protects you from a monster you weren’t prepared for. You’re still weaker than you were before, but someone has your back…
When you go up to the sky you see a strange new dragon there. There’s something about them that feels familiar. You try not to think about it.
You go down to the depths too. It’s terrifying at first. You hate it. You only want to get what you came for and get out of the dark….but slowly, the light grows. You get stronger. The dark feels like a challenge you can face (and someone has your back).
There are spirits down there. You don’t know when they’re from, but some part of you wonders…are these all the people you let die in the Calamity? (You help them find rest from their wandering. The weight on your shoulders feels a little less heavy).
There’s so much gloom. The first few times the sky turns red and hands chase you (a reminder of what you’ve lost, how you failed) you just run. Eventually though, you have to fight. It feels like the (second) worst day of your life again. But you manage to get free of the grasping gloom and stand and fight, as wild and desperate as it is. Beneath the manifestation of your worst fears, there’s another thing to fight, but this time it has a face (a voice in the back of your head says…you know this isn’t all on you and your failure…it’s really Ganon’s fault right?). You get through it.
At every turn in your travels, it seems like something reminds you of Zelda. Her passion, her curiosity, her kindness. You miss her.
At first, the tears you find reassure you. She may be in the past, but she’s safe. She’ll come back somehow…but then you hear the word draconification for the first time. You want to believe she wouldn’t do it but you know her and the fear sits cold inside you. (Zelda is a lot of things. She’s been allowed to be more of them, since she was freed from her hundred year battle, without her father holding her back. But deep down inside her, there’s a vein of self-sacrifice that still runs strong. It’s what saved the world before, after all).
She did it. She really did it. She’s gone from you (from Hyrule) forever, and it’s all your fault. If only you hadn’t failed so utterly in the battle (you can hardly even call it that) under the castle. If only you’d caught her. If only you hadn’t let the sword break. You should have protected her you should have been better it’s all your fault and now she has to live with the consequences, forever. Everything really is on you, you should have been better.
(Zelda POV: you couldn’t call upon Hylia’s power in time, you were too content to let it wither and fade away from you, ready to be free of it. You shouldn’t have. He got hurt, the sword got hurt, it’s your fault…Sonia and Rauru help you channel it again, Sonia helps you learn how to turn back time…but you don’t save her. She dies because you couldn’t save her. Rauru dies not long after. There is no one left to guide you, once again. You could spend years trying to figure it out on your own. But you did that last time. It didn’t work. Self-sacrifice, stepping in front of someone you love, that worked. (You do what you can, to call upon the sages, to help Link in the future, first). And then you swallow the stone. You’ve come a long way, in the past five years, allowing yourself to exist. But in the end, self-sacrifice worked last time. It’ll work this time too.)
You (Link) go down beneath the castle. You were supposed to bring the sages but you didn’t. It’s nice, for someone to have your back. But no one else should get hurt to fix your mistakes.
They follow you anyway. They fight with you, against the hordes, against the greatest enemies you defeated together, along the way. They’ll have your back, even if you don’t think you deserve it.
You fight Ganondorf, and then the demon king, in the hardest battle of your life. You think it’s over and then the demon king decides it’s better to lose himself completely than let you win. You’re exhausted and afraid of yet another battle, but up there in the sky, when you’re falling, the Light Dragon catches you (you wonder why she changed her path to catch you, you wonder if there’s still something of Zelda left in there to save). With her help, you win.
And then you’re in some other realm. The spirits of Sonia and Rauru are there. You remember how the two of them and Zelda channeled such incredible power together. You think about Recall. Turning something back to the memory of what it was before, like Sonia said. You stand with them and you allow yourself to hope. Maybe the Light Dragon can remember the form she took so long ago, the person that she was.
And then you’re falling, and Zelda is falling, but this time you catch her. You catch her. She’s back home with you, finally, finally.
And maybe, one mistake doesn’t have to be the end of the world. You don’t have to be perfect. Sometimes, someone else can stand with you, and it’ll all turn out alright. (You can put the weight of the world on your shoulders, you can sacrifice yourself, but someone will be there to catch you, someone will be there to pull you back to yourself, when all is said and done).
#loz#tears of the kingdom#Link#Zelda#I will say also that I think part of the reason totk is special to me is very personal#like when it came out I was still struggling with the worst burnout of my life#I had had a few months of exhaustion between January and March and in May that exhaustion was still sticking to me#it was hard to get out of bed hard to do anything I felt so tired that I almost felt sick but I wasn’t sick#and the thing is Zelda games are my biggest special interest#and having a new one to play like genuinely I’m not joking it gave me bsck so much energy#I was doing really badly but when totk came out I played it for an entire weekend straight basically#and like my mom came to visit me and help me out with basic life stuff#and like sit with me while I played just like enjoying being together#and that was really nice#over that summer and the fall after I started getting to know someone I work with better#largely over conversations about totk at first#and they’ve become a good friend#(and become someone that I feel safe to be fully myself around)#and so I just have this really strong personal connection to totk#like I will not claim to be impartial about it#there are definitely criticisms that I can acknowledge#in particular I don’t like that they un-amputeed Link let Link be disabled#and also ganondorf’s characterization was shallow and one dimensional#and I’m sure there’s other things I could think of#but the overall narrative#including Zelda becoming the light dragon and then turning back in the end#I really like that#it felt like a narrative of healing to me#and playing it at the time that I did felt really healing to me too
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oops all rock (springtime edition)
i’ll be able to draw digitally again soon! ;w; in the meantime i’ve been scribbling a lot on paper…
could not wait for Soon, so i resorted to coloring it using the markup tool in default iphone photos app (don’t do that ever again)
#my art#sos awl#debating whether to just dump my sketches from my soujourn to hell or save them to be transferred and finished as digital stuff#or like both idk. i don’t know how ppl feel about WIPs#i’m happy to post art again ;w; thank you everyone who welcomed me back i’m slowly getting through everything i missed while i was y’know#and thank you for the sweet messages while i was gone i am bbghkjh i need to calm myself and respond !!!! love#rock tumbling (sos)#story of seasons a wonderful life#bokumono#story of seasons#harvest moon#hm awl#harvest moon a wonderful life#bunny sighting 😳 i still have THOSE wips too#there’s certain things i wanna prioritize once i can use my tablet again and those are one of them#but i will also probably post new stuff alongside finishing old unfinished stuff….. i hope that is OK……#idk i’ll have to talk more later! right now i am nervous!!! i love you all!!!!#fanart#awl rock#bokujou monogatari#hm anwl#unfortunately this scum neet still has my entire heart so. most of the notebook is just him pulling goofy faces… sorry……..#also a lot of lumina and nami…. and molly…. they r really cool…#ceci is also cool and i’ve drawn a collage of her that i just. never posted#mostly drawing HMDS related stuff about the descendant characters#OK I’LL STOP TAGBLOGGING#i am once again back in DS for girl hell. i want to make a series of posts about differences in the English vs the Japanese version#and also fun secret things related to DS#this is all in the future i gotta finish all my unfinished stuff…. uuuu….#i love you all mmmmmwah (i cast sleepy time blanket and sleep forever)
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I JUST FOUND OUT I CAN BIKE WITHOUT* PAIN!!!!! I JUST FOUND OUT I CAN BIKE WITHOUT PAIN!!!!!!! I NOW HAVE TWO PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES I CAN DO WITHOUT PAIN!!!!!!! I CAN BIKE WHEN IM NOT FIGURE SKATING!!!!!!! IM GENUINELY SOBBING RIGHT NOW THIS IS SUCH A MASSIVE THING FOR ME YOU DONT UNDERSTAND
* = check tags for explanation
#My chronic pain has been getting so much worse lately#Dislcoations are also happening more often#And as someone who used to be insanely athletic I’ve been grieving so heavily for who I used to be and what I used to be capable of#I used to be able to run a marathon easily and now *walking* is painful#I use a cane most days now#My literal only freedom is while figure skating#And to discover there’s another thing I can do? I feel like I’m getting a piece of myself back even while my health is getting worse#This feels so euphoric#But knowing I be active by skating? It’s been my life line. And now I can bike!#And I just don’t know what to say#Also for clarification I can bike now but it’s still painful to a degree: Figure skating is not painful for me#But biking still has a level of pain but so far it’s not like ‘I’m completely unable to do this’ pain instead it’s like#‘Wow yeah this is painful but everything is and this is a pain I can manage to deal with because I’m being active and that makes me happy’#ykwim?#Oh and new symptoms of paralysis. I’ll make a post about that too. My luck is awesome /s#Chronic illness#Fibromyalgia#hEDS#Cane user#dynamic disability#Disabled#Chronic pain#Disability#Chronically ill
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Posting this here becuz I need to post something- (and also becuz I really LOVE how it came out♡)
A lil sumthing for my wife becuz I love her😌💗💗💗
#I’ve noticed after I spend my time with my gal my art somehow magically comes back to life#I’m just in a really good mood after and have a little bit more motivation#she heals me#completely#and I just get even more inspired to draw when she shows me some of her art (or even just watching her draw too🤭🩷)#also tried out my new brush pack for this! I already LOVE them👏💗#will I draw like this again?#I HOPE SO#I NEED MY ARTING BACK#art#digital art#drawing#artwork#tlb#tlb insert#the lost boys#the lost boys insert#tlb chrysta#Chrysta Campbell#fruitbats🦇🍒
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Some gems from the Autobiography of Special Agent Dale Cooper: my life in tapes
#Twin Peaks#Dale Cooper#The Autobiography of Special Agent Dale Cooper: My Life In Tapes#Dale Cooper woulda thrives on tumblr I think#Dale Cooper is gay as a maypole#he uses the most gay wording “I’m getting really good at behind thrown against the wall” fuckin bottom bitch#also there was a scene where he was running a ”is too much of a good thing really bad?” experiment in college#In which he had sex with a girl over and over for a whole day and/or night (it wasn’t clear)#and he talks about her pulling out something from her back which we’re left to assume is a sex toy and then he tells us#that he’s may be too sore to check out#so I’m pretty sure they’re implying Dale Cooper got pegged in college#and he enjoyed it#so have fun with that freaks#also the leather shit#if y’all are into writing twin peaks smut Dale Cooper talks about sex all the time in this
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I have Thoughts about harrow and gideon both seeing their relationship as romantic, actually, but they both think it’s unrequited
for gideon in particular she totally married harrow (“if aught but death part me and thee”, “sure cam, marry a moron then die, I get the urge”) EXCEPT she sees it as a one sided marriage (girl lol) and in this case death joined them rather than parting them….. so harrow’s refusal to eat her soul is a double rejection - she gave harrow her life in the physical and metaphorical sense, and from her pov harrow basically went “fuck u here’s our divorce”
#tlt spoilers#the locked tomb#griddlehark#don’t take this too seriously btw lmao it’s just a thought rattling around in my brain#but that ‘marry a moron then die’ DOES MAKE IT PLAUSIBLE#get it…. she gave her her whole life as one does in marriage vows…. and harrow didn’t even want it#meanwhile harrow’s crying screaming throwing up getting haunted lobotomizing herself to get Gideon back 🤡#OH AND DONT FORGET GIDEON JOTTING DOWN ‘CAVALIER PRIMARRIED’ TO USE LATER LMFAO#she was like yknow what I’ve been waiting my whole fucking life for this if I’m gonna die I’m also marrying harrow
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reading modern mdzs fics set in the usa (not including ones that are firmly set in a chinese american bubble) is fucking wild. what do you mean i’m reading about lan wangji and wei wuxian and their friend, skateboarding kyle.???
#mdzs#wangxian#lan wangji#wei wuxian#pleeeeeeease don’t misinterpret this as me saying ppl should stick to their own ethnicities that is not what i mean at all#it’s just that the second you introduce a named white guy to an mdzs fic#(yk the book series that is set in ancient fantasy china)#you have immediately taken me out of it#even in a modern setting#also it just shines a spot light on any rampant americanization that may be going on#like i get it i have probably accidentally done that to characters too but that doesn’t mean i like it#anyways rant over#actually nope not over i’m coming back to clarify that i mean absolutely no hate to any author that does this!!!#you are providing beautiful bedtime reading material to me for free!!!#i owe you my life!!#i just think it’s silllyyyy
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I think one of the reasons the astronaut continues to be so nostalgic and sentimental to me is because its release marked the close of my bts era— not in a sad sudden way, but like a gentle taper out to an end.
I never biased jin, yet his vocals were the start, middle, and end to everything I associate with bts and my time with them as a group. epiphany was the first bts song I ever heard in 2018, even though I wouldn’t stan them for 3 more years. moon is my favourite bts song to this day. the astronaut ending my era with them as my ults is a picture perfect close.
I think jin is under-appreciated as an artist and a vocalist. because of his personality, we mostly love him for his jokes, or because of his visuals, he’s known for his face. yet when he sings songs like abyss, epiphany, the astronaut, moon, or awake, his voice holds a million emotions and feelings in the melody. there is something so timelessly beautiful about his voice, and for the first time since I stopped following bts closely, I’m really so excited for his solo album. I hope he can continue to shine as an artist and a vocalist into his late 30’s and 40’s. his voice is one that will never get old and I certainly will never get tired of hearing him sing.
deep in my bts era, I always used to debate whether my favourite bts vocalist was jin or jungkook. and it was always funny to me why jin made it to such a high ranking when jungkook was my bias. jin didn’t even wreck me like other members, and at the time, I enjoyed his solos, but they weren’t in the ranking to become my favourite timeless songs like they are now that I’ve stepped away.
although I’m not active in the fandom anymore and have disconnected from content and the members, the music still stays, their voices still stay, always reminding me how bts changed my life in such a dramatic way. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how different I would be if I hadn’t found them. it’s not just about kpop, fanfic or being a stan— finding them was the first time I ever found something by myself, for myself and enjoyed it independently without the influence of anyone else. and the start of that was with jin and his voice and I’ll never forget how much he changed my life.
#zanna thinks ❀˖°#in conclusion#jin’s solos are so special to me#and his vocals deserve more credit#and if any of you know me you know I’m a nostalgic and sentimental MESS of a person#so this whole essay (which I deleted a lot of cause it was getting too bts emo) shouldn’t come as a surprise#possible that me writing this at 3 am also doesn’t help at all with my nostalgic feelings#but bts music in general has the power to make me cry whenever#cause it transports me back to some of the best and worst years of my life#certainly some of the most changing and turbulent years#and they were like my rock throughout all that which I think is a beautiful thing :’)#okay anyway goodnight besties
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today’s topic for discussion: what on earth did Maximus’ soldiers think when they found out he was “dead”? like, their beloved general who fights like a god and is adored by everyone is just… deceased? kicked the bucket? gone on to a better place?
and what did Quintus even tell them to make it believable?? that Maximus died in his sleep of the same “natural causes” Marcus Aurelius died of??? he had an accident with his sword???? he wandered into the forest and never came back?? like what could you possibly tell Maximus’ men that they would believe??
#this has BAFFLED me for years#you know some of them had to be demanding answers#did cicero tell anyone what happened??#what happened to cicero between then and when he appears in rome???#i have so many questions#like imagine being a soldier and you wake up one morning to find out not only is the literal emperor dead and his weirdo son is king now#but also your beloved general is dead somehow too#how was there not a rebellion?? an inquisition?? surely maximus’ men knew something was up#i know they couldn’t do anything about it but dang#surely they at least had questions#but yeah any ideas y’all have would be intriguing to hear#the best guess i have is that quintus said maximus died of a mysterious illness and they buried him quickly to avoid a spread#because (1) the men would NEVER believe the story about him being treasonous#and (2) they would insist on seeing maximus’ grave#now i’m imagining quintus getting into increasingly complicated shenanigans to cover up maximus’ supposed death#a fake grave and fake eulogy behind commodus’ back to keep everyone happy#while he’s like… i have never made a worse mistake in my life#just a few lighthearted musings to lessen the devastating pain in my heart over what happened to maximus#*sobs forever because he didn’t deserve it he didn’t deserve any of it*#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe#text posts
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tomorrow officially starts my 15th year in the “United” States. I’m gonna make a cake. Not to celebrate- I was just gonna make one anyway🥕
#something I often think I back on is when I was getting medical exam for immigration#(had to get chest X-rays and certain immunizations from an embassy-approved doctor)#was an American guy who asked where I was headed#and when I told him he said nyc was going to chew me up and spit me out#as it turns out I’ve been okay#but it’s really surprised me how hard life in the United States is#especially growing up with various media that shows a very different story#even more surprising was how so many Americans seemed unaware of how hard it was (although that’s changed a lot in 15 years)#a good friend (also an immigrant who’s now in NJ) asked me this morning if I would leave the U.S. based on result of this election#I guess anything is possible but I don’t think so#I’m in so many bubbles here: in nyc; in my neighborhood; and even in my immediate local blocks#and despite everything this is still the happiest I’ve ever been in my life#also people paint a very rosy picture of NZ and Australia but it’s kinda going to shit there too#omg long tags
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“Pathfinder,” Moon Knight: Fist of Khonshu (Vol. 2/2024), #3.
Writer: Jed MacKay; Penciler and Inker: Domenico Carbone; Colorist: Rachelle Rosenberg; Letterer: Cory Petit
#Marvel#Marvel comics#Marvel 616#Moon Knight: Fist of Khonshu#Moon Knight: Fist of Khonshu vol. 2#Moon Knight: Fist of Khonshu 2024#Moon Knight comics#latest release#Moon Knight#Marc Spector#Tigra#Greer Grant#*Jonathan Frakes in Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction? voice* there was a sewer man#My Spider-Man (2017) homies know that this is just Marc returning to his natural habitat#but for real though technically this is a pretty typical «things were getting a little too comfortable and smooth and easy for the hero#so now it’s time to arbitrarily and completely blow up his entire life» storyline#but I’m pretty intrigued by how they’re choosing to go about it#I guess it’s because they’re walking a pretty fine line and not going overboard on trying to send Marc to the absolute «rock bottom»#they already killed him and bankrupted him in his last run so they can’t take that away from him#but I also I appreciate that they didn’t choose to go the complete grimdark route nor did they kill off/fridge any characters#this is most likely roaming into personal opinion territory but Marc’s already been at the bottom a couple times in his super hero career#including the (in)famous eponymous arc that I will be forever grateful if no MK writer ever tries to recreate#and it would be pretty wild to spend 2 volumes emphasizing the importance of this support system just to start killing them off#I can understand if people are tired of this type of storyline and/or consider this a particularly tepid way of approaching it#but in my frankly inconsequential opinion I’m just glad I’m not getting bludgeoned with hackneyed attempts at angst/tension for drama’s sak#the writer’s succeeded; I like these characters and I’m glad they mostly made it out in one piece (and that MK’s back in the sewers hahaha)
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when i say that this was my 9/11 i fully mean it. i would pull out my computer and write it myself if it weren’t so personal to dan. i will go into debt to make this happen. @danielhowell if there is anything i can personally to get dan is not okay out into the world i will do it i don’t care if i’m a freshman in college i would die for this.
#DINOK MY BELOVED#i’m getting way too fucking emo about this#actually idc#this is everything i could ever want#not only is this concept so fucking interesting and cool#but i love dan and everything he does so much#i have full trust in everything he creates#idc if it’s parasocial#i went to wad it was the best thing ever#i’ve watched every dd episode five times as they came out#daniel howell is a true creative visionary who should get to run wild#but also i need to go back to the plot#not only is it a reflection of dan’s life#but so many people are actually going through this same thing#and will continue to#i go to class every day and see the guys who are business majors or whatever#and i just want to scream in their face that there is more to life than d3 sports#also as somebody who’s interested in dan this is everything to me plotwise#like yes queen i am also incredibly grateful that you dropped out of law#i am so happy that you have become comfortable not just with your sexuality#but with who you are in general#you don’t know me but you raised me#and i am so proud of you#AKDHAKDHSK SORRY IM DONE NOW#BUT I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS#daniel howell#dan is not okay#dinok#why i quit youtube#dan howell
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When the baby cries really hard for more than like 2 minutes and I can’t figure out how to make it stop (usually gas is the main problem—which, kid, I get it, that stuff can hurt), it breaks my heart, but also, I feel like I could really just stare at her face and tell her I love her over and over forever
#when she’s happy I’m so happy#she’s juuuust starting to smile and its not a purposeful or social thing quite yet but it still makes me so happy to see#random personal post#(Ray if you see this—you sent me an ask a while ago asking for baby updates and I’m sorry I can’t find it now but this most of my answer)#(there’s also been a lot of thinking about life and death and consciousness and family and the miracle and mystery of existence and love et#while staring at her while she sleeps/eats)#you know?)#(the first 3 weeks or so I was crying at the drop of the hat — both from extreme joy wnd extreme anxiety#drop of a hat*#— but now things have mellowed out a lot)#(she’s also DOUBLED in size since then basically wth)#(and I’m finally feeling physically recovered now too. went back to the climbing gym this week and I’m weak but not in pain#psyched to get strong again)
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OG Choi Han they could never make me hate you cause if some random rich boy was yelling at me and telling me my family deserved to die like a day after it happened and all I wanted was to know how I could get help I’d beat him up too
This plus the added fact that the Harris Village people were the first people to take Choi Han in and take care of him after years and years in the dark forest. Like he’s obviously not going to be mentally stable after all that, and he was so young when everything happened to him like I cannot blame him at all. I don’t think I can ever hate OG Choi Han like ever, he’s flawed, he has problems, but I love him dearly. He deserves the world. This kid who had to fight for his life, was taken away from his family, and in the process had to give up parts of his own humanity to survive, and like went to war two years later, they could never make me hate u OG Choi Han…
Like yeah violence is bad I guess but OG Cale had it coming(saying this as an OG Cale fan, I love him, but he was mean as hell when he was younger!)
If I’m honest, I think they were both in the wrong to an extent. Like OG Cale shouldn’t have said all that no matter the circumstances, and OG Choi Han shouldn’t have beaten him up so much. But u say mean shit and you get hit, that is how it will work when you’re talking to the guy who just saw his entire village get murdered like idkkkk man
I understand where OG Cale was coming from, but he had many issues and while he wasn’t an awful person, he was capable of doing bad things because of his own internalized pain and emotions that he never got to properly process because of his emotionally distant childhood and relationship with his father who should have been there for him more when he was younger.
Okay speaking of his childhood, Deruth isn’t the WORST father in the world but there are a lot of things he could have done better. I think a lot of Deruth’s flaws come from his fear of failure and messing up. He’s scared of doing the wrong thing, and so he sticks to doing what he knows and using what he knows best. That’s why he uses his money, that’s why gift giving is his way of showing affection, he knows that it is one thing he cannot mess up.
The problem is that money and gifts is NOT what OG Cale needed. I think what that guy needed the most was a parent who wasn’t afraid to talk to him, to ask him questions. Not to say that Deruth gave up on OG Cale, but I think in a way he gave up on OG Cale by giving up on himself. Deruth didn’t trust himself to have the capabilities to talk to OG Cale, which is why he never did. It’s because that Deruth was scared, and didn’t trust himself, that he could never face OG Cale
If Deruth was able to trust himself a little more, and pull himself together, I don’t think OG Cale would have turned out the way he did. As a kid, he probably thought the only way he could help his family without relying on anyone(no doubt this whole ‘I have to do it myself’ thing came from the fact that he couldn’t rely on his father when his mom died, and instead was acting as a pillar of support for his father when it should have been the other way around) was to sabotage himself, the only heir. If he was shown to be unfit to be heir, then everyone else would have no choice but to direct their hatred towards him instead of his family.
If Deruth had talked to his son at least ONCE when he was a kid, asking him why he was upset or why he did the things he did, I think OG Cale would have told him. Why? Because he’s a kid!! A kid will obviously want to rely on his father, if he just had one sign telling him that he didn’t have to do it alone I’m 90% sure OG Cale would have said something.
Basically, while Deruth isn’t the worst father, he’s not really a great father either. I think he does do his best, but he has issues with communication lol
OG Cale and OG Choi Han are both complex characters and had their own reasons to behave the way they did. The thing is with people is that they’re complicated and have layers, so the situation with them would have layers behind it as well with multiple co-existing truths and stuff
#guys I’m a big fan of Choi Han#and I get sad when people bring up this scene and all the blame is on him#like okay he was wrong but if YOU saw your entire family dead and some random rich boy started yelling abt how their lives were worthless#you’d be mad too no?#like his feelinsg were totally justified cause OG Cale was REALLY mean in that scene#‘their lives are worth less than the bottle in my hand’ OHHHHH OKAY OG CALE THATS ENOUGH THATS ENOUGHHHH#I love OG Cale but u have to admit he wasn’t very nice when he was younger#like the statements ‘he had his reasons’ ‘being trash was an act’ ‘he wasn’t a bad person’ ‘but he did say bad things’ can co exist#yes being trash was an act but he is ALSO capable of saying mean things and things that are wrong#LIKE TELLING THE GUY WHO JUST GOT HIS FAMILY MURDERED THAT THEIR LIVES WERE WORTHLESS#HE WAS NOT INNOCENT FOR THAT#Younger OG Cale is not a black and white character#and neither is older OG Cale but this post isn’t abt him#okay I’m gonna bring up someone who isn’t from TCF#but take Eunyung Baek from no home as an example okay#eunyung did bad things and was a bad person because of his childhood right#the reasons to being a bad person do not take away the bad things he did#but just cause he did bad things and was capable of them did not mean he could not change#I love OG Cale a LOT and I just think that his character has a lot behind it#Older OG Cale is obviously very different from his younger self#years and years of war and tragedy have matured him and like he’s not the same person he was anymore#okay back to Choi Han I love that guy I will defend him with my life#beating up people is wrong yeah but with the circumstances I’d say OG Cale had it coming#like okay it would be different if it was unprovoked but it was very much provoked#I swear I love OG Cale I just think he was very wrong for that#not to say he can’t change or isn’t capable of change he definitely is#idk I guess my point is that OG Cale was wrong but he changed as a person#and OG Choi Han was wrong for beating him up so much but it wasn’t unjustifiable#tcf#lcf
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i’m obviously incredibly biased but i do think it’s kinda more interesting if the courier isn’t mad that benny shot them. for whatever reason! but especially if they come from similar backgrounds where it’s like “well it was respectful. he clearly didn’t want to kill me specifically it was business. and he basically threw me a funeral while i was still alive” and then their bigger issue is figuring out what to do now that they’re not dead. do they get revenge out of principle, do they try to solve the mystery of it all, do they hunt him down just to ask him to apologize, do they get roped into it by victor, or just general events? idk i obviously understand the revenge angle is very motivating, i just think a courier who doesn’t hate benny is really interesting and fun to play with. and not just because he’s my favorite guy and i could never hold it against him
#like i’ve really changed kitty’s whole thing to be more of a ‘i don’t hold a grudge because this is the fist person i’ve met in a decade who#operates within the societal framework i grew up in and getting shot twice execution style is the best way i was gonna go out. why did you#bring me back to life though because now i don’t remember who i am and i’m simply forced to become a detective and a small time con woman.#*six months later* oh hey it’s the guy who shot me! hey do you have my diary. btw. also do you wanna fuck because i feel a really weird#kinship with you and if we fuck i’ll either get over it or it’ll be your problem’#but i’ve made other couriers who don’t hold it against him for other reasons (not always romantic. sometimes just ‘yknow i should be mad but#i’m anti violence’ or ‘well i’m fine now so really why would i kill to when i can be a pain in your ass forever which is a way funnier#punishment for attempted murder’#benny gecko#kitty grave#that’s just for my tagging system lol#courier six#too i suppose
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