#but i was trying my best. i didnt have the self awareness to realize how ridiculous my triggers were because i was 15!

[ejundo]

genre; fluff?’

(js yr regular fic ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ)

Morinozuka Takashi x Book worm!Male Reader

m.n = just insert ur name it means “my name” but obvs its not me . its YOU!!

FEM DNI WITH MY WORK!! THIS IS STRICTLYY FOR MALE READERS. YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TALENTED PEOPLE WHO WOULD GLADLY WRITE FOR YOUU.

warning;

height difference , reader short like abt 5ft 4in , mori tall per usual. NERDY reader. reader is a boy , purposely lowercase!! bad grammar [english sucks] .🐾

sum; reader coincidentally bumps into morinozuka while trying to make his way towards the book club he started.. possibly sparking an interest in one another?

requested?; no || yes

— there are no male readers for mori or just OHSHC IN GENERAL. so why not do it myself!!!! [i dont rwsd my own stories]

m.n isn’t really known / “popular.” he occasionally kept to himself with his many books. he was so invested and interested in books that he made a book club.

.

.

.

it flopped. nobody ever really came to the club , hell nobody was in the club! well , other then m.n himself though..regardless of that. he enjoyed the peace and quiet he had when studying, and reading. nobody to bother him and his wonderful precious books!

pushing aside his many books, he also studied other people. it isn’t weird.. he just rather learn who too avoid and who is okay to stick by. he learned that the bratty self obnoxious over confident girls were best to avoid as they’d most likely spit mean comments out of their spoiled mouth.

though , while observing the many students of ouran. his eyes would always observe this one specific person. his name was morinozuka. He was tall , quiet , and seemed caring to his cousin, haninozuka or.. otherwise called “hani.” m.n knew these details and “facts” because of the students who spoke about the ouran host club! he wasn’t interested in such things as the host club, thinking of it as a waste of time .. and overall weird. flirting with others just to raise your reputation? how pointless.

though, it seems that this must be m.n’s lucky day! and on this day as of right now.. it was the end of class more specifically club hours. and due to m.n being a major nerd and the leader of the book club that nobody is aware of he quickly rushed out of the classroom so he wouldn’t bump into any sort of trouble.

gladly he didnt. and so he made his way towards the court area. passing by big green maze.. he wasn’t aware of the club he slightly despised was hosting one of their stupid club activities out there so…

then. he took a sharp left and his head collided with another students chest?, his glasses (yes glasses.) were knocked down as he fell back, his books scattered as he caught himself.. on the ground.

he groaned in pain, opening his eyes, rubbing them in an attempt to get any dirt out, the person who he bumped into bent down and gathered all of m.n’s stuff. even being so kind to put m.ns glasses on for m.n.

his eyebrows furrowed as he cleaned the lenses, he pushed his glasses up back on the bridge of his nose, then stared at the culprit who bumped into him.

m.n realized who it was, it was the one who he observed every time..it was.. i think you know. he blinked rapidly and got up onto his feet, he bowed and muttered countless of apologies. mori only stood in silence watching as the other apologized like he just spilt boiling hot coffee all over his face..

m.n lifted his head up and stared at mori, looking directly into his eyes. they looked unfazed and slightly cold, m.n nervously chuckled before standing up correctly fixing his posture and dusting off any dust or dirt.

m.n quickly scrambled away. mori watching as the h.c boy scurried off, he was surely interesting. so interesting mori was intrigued by him..

maybe just maybe one day the two will meet, and maybe that would be m.n’s lucky, chance to ask the host on a date… not like he really will…

LORDDDD , i am finally done.. i am sooo sorry for having like the LONGEST writers block ever.. and it seems i sitll have like barely ANY motivation. [this isnt really proofread] AND MB IF ITS HORRID. i literally rushed through this entire story not giving one fuck bruh. i just wanted to finish this so i can write for my ocs 🙏

[the-s1lly-corner]

may we please request gn porcelain doll!reader whos on the verge of abstraction (but has zero idea how to stop it and is afraid to admit it) x jax and maybe pomni (separate) ? ot I love how canon your writing is !! have an amazing day/night :3

Jax and Pomni x porcelain doll!reader whos abstracting !

cracks my knuckles. a TADC angst request? dont mind if i do eheheheh! and ueueueueu thank you anon! i gotta admit im really self conscious about writing characters, doesnt matter how long ive been writing them i always feel that i could do better with their characterization... but im so so happy to know that theyre not too OOC!! that means a lot!! got a little too silly on jaxs part so its longer than pomnis i hope thats okay!!

POMNI:

gosh imagine this is the first time shes seen someone actively abstract... like yeah sure shes seen kaufmo in his abstracted form, but seeing the aftermath/complete transformation is totally different than being there in the moment. i think she would.. be all over the place. i mean youre at your worst and you dont even understand whats going on... and pomni doesnt know what to do or what she can do to ground you. can you even be grounded back to the present moment? can you even back up and regain yourself? is that something someone can do? i think her panic makes you panic, which ends up making your.. situation worse.. i think pomni would try to keep you together as best as she can; physically and mentally. i got the image of the readers face cracking open and the abstraction stuff peeking out and pomni just... trying to push the pieces back together... its a horrible situation, and before long you're fully abstracted and pomni just stands there. im not even sure if she would have the mind to run away, probably too caught up in trying to bring you back to her.. i think sometimes she would stop in front of your old bedroom door and just. stare at the brand new red X over your portrait

JAX:

unlike pomni, i think he can more easily catch the signs of someone abstracting, though i dont think hes seen someone actually lose themselves right in front of him and transform right there... hmm... but unless you and him are very close i dont think he would bother trying to check in on you. i mean, if youre not, why would he? but... lets say youre both friends, or even partners, and he notices that youve been acting off.. i think it would still take him a little longer than id like to admit for him to actually come to your room to check in on you. perhaps he wants to give you space, or feels youre just going through something and thats your business, or maybe he didnt feel obligated to ask how youre doing as horrible as it sounds (i feel this is more likely if you guys are just friends, though, perhaps not close but still friendly with one another).. gets tipped off that something is wrong when he sees a stray (and glitching) piece of porcelain on the ground... which turns into two pieces, then three. a trail, leading right to your breaking form. i think at first he would think its some joke, before realizing that this is actually happening. unfortunately, i dont think jax is the best comforter so even in your last moments of being conscious and aware would still be spent in fear and confusion.. but at least theres an attempt to try to help you, right? i think jax would actually try to call for help, at least he might be able to admit hes unqualified to help you.. but regardless of if anyone hears him its too late for you.. i like to think he keeps some of your porcelain shards, on the off chance theyre still hanging around even after youre sent to the cellar

[burntnotices]

you know, fandom is weird for me.

im in a lot, passively and actively. i love a lot of things. but burn notice, you know?

its been the literal Sun to my Earth for over nine years now. sure, the fandom certainly predates me even being aware of its existence. (i was indeed in the single digits when it first aired.) but there was a period of time, roughly around 15-19 where i WAS the fandom.

of course people were around, here and there. burn notice was an incredibly popular show, but not a Popular Show.

it was one of those that dominated the public eye for a couple dazzling years, fizzled out, and then entirely forgotten.

it has had its resurgence lately. not a “big” one, but a notable one no doubt. and it made me realize,

i have hinged my whole adult (and teenage) identity on this show. being this show’s number one fan. and when it gets down to it, and i see people enjoying the show that i literally have been a walking advertisement for, for the greater part of a decade, its bittersweet.

finally, people listen. but also, i feel a lack of a sense of self.

of course dubbing myself “THE burn notice person” when there was no fandom was egotistical and pointless at best, i never really imagined that identity being challenged.

and, no, obviously nobody is challenging it. that’s silly. it was never a serious title to begin with, but just a joking testament to my dedication and passion for the series. but in a way, it was.

but with the spreading of the show, i realize that being a vessel of transmitting Burn Notice Brainworms is pretty much moot now. like im not needed?

and god it sounds so dumb to say. im so depressed and self-hating but have such an elevated sense of self and worth about the dumbest stuff. it just sounds so (for lack of a better word) narcissistic of me to want to disappear the second im not “important” anymore. so on brand, and i really hate it.

its just all so fucking dumb. i know how dumb it is to feel this way, but i also still feel a sense of grief and loss over something i never had a say over in the first place.

i think part of it is that i wasted all of my teen and young adult years being a hermit, doing nothing but watching the show over, and over, and over, and over, and over, with nothing to show for it. i feel like i have entitlement to it because of that, and thats so fucking dumb. i don’t know why i am that way. i wish i wasnt.

i wish i could just be happy to have people who i share an interest with, but it just makes me want to disappear?

im no stranger to self-sabotage, but something about this feels different than that. i can’t explain it.

i don’t know. i can’t really explain why i feel such a sense of ownership over something i absolutely have no business feeling entitled to.

maybe its one of those “i suffered so everyone else should too” mentalities?

yknow, being bullied by my peers for being weird, or being told to shut up about it by my friends, both online and off, and my parents and family completely tuning me out whenever i spoke. “carrying” the fandom into the 2020’s by being annoying and loud.

i know i didnt DO anything for this fandom. i didn’t carry anything. nothing would be different today whether i was here or not. im owed nothing. people deserve to love the show, i want people to, but i still backslide into feeling like i should just throw in the towel because someone will love it more. someone will do better than me.

maybe thats why i liked competing for the title of “the best” in a ring with no opponents. so i could feel important for once. i know i stand up to no one, in anything i do. my art. my video game scores. my trivia. my money. my collections.

and when that “”title”” is challenged, i feel lost again. not because im in the ring with a bunch of people, but because nobody else is even competing, and yet i still lose. because everyone else is at the bar next door.

im the fool for trying to win at a social setting.

but then, i never really was equipped for socialization anyway. somewhere the wires got crossed.

anyway, i don’t really remember what my point was. i guess im just complaining. nothing new.

im just glad that burn notice has people who care about it.

[okkottsus]

I love reading your analysis of Nagireo!

One thing I was wondering, what do you think of Nagi (foreshadowed) future slump?

I feel like things will get dire for him, and I can't help but wonder how Reo would react.

Nagi feels very... emotionally immature and while Reo can be very fiery and we saw how emotional he can get, he's the one that feels more in touch with his own emotions and has better life experience.

For better or worse, being away from Reo forced Nagi to confront his own feelings more.

I wonder if Reo won't realize they got back together too early and leave him (this time maybe more amicably? Or maybe force himself to leave him) for his own sake.

Ego's dialog feels very ominous... they were very happy in that moment but there is a very sense of "now what?".

thank u so much, i feel like i never express myself well enough esp with characters and relationships im passionate abt so that means a lot 🥺

yeah i get what u mean about nagi's emotional immaturity...in the latest match, when isagi asked him how he was able to make his best play yet a reality, nagi  didnt really understand what had happened. he only wanted to beat isagi, that has been his first goal, the first step to achieve the bigger dream he shares with reo. 

and while he himself couldnt see that, reo was the first to notice despite everything that happened between them, so he created a chance for him to have a 1v1 with isagi. 

the problem is that, as isagi points out later, if u dont understand how u made something happen, you probably wont be able to be consistent and replicate it (this has been a recurring theme of blk since the start of the manga):

a goal that u only made happen because u had the person who knows u the best and is your closest friend give you exactly what you need in the moment, has little value in the grand scheme of things. Without a clear goal and reo’s help, nagi wouldnt have been able to do something like that. 

So the next step he should be taking is working on his weapons, instead of relying on the perfect opportunities reo can provide him with.

maybe its time for nagi to try and catch up to reo, and not only in terms of play-making 

but also in terms of self awareness 

i also love the fact that while reo can seem completely selfless when he declares this, he is also completely selfish, cause at the end of the day hes doing this for his dream, for himself. he loves playing with nagi and making him score goals, but his hard work which got him to where he is now doesnt rely on nagi being there, he hasnt abandoned himself in favor of nagi. 

BUT he still seems to always choose nagi over anyone when they are playing together and even though my shipping heart is tempted, i think thats not a good thing at all... cause their cooperation may be top class, but it also makes them predictable after a while. 

reo has learnt to play without nagi, but he needs to learn how play with nagi without forgetting everyone else on his team. 

so the way i see it, reo has made more significant progress than nagi, but he still needs to work on seeing the bigger picture when nagi is by his side.

nagi on the other hand has even more things he needs to work on. he shouldnt feel reassured bc of that one (miracle) goal or bc he managed to beat isagi once. if he ended up satisfied with just that, then he wouldnt belong in the world of professional players

Ego is right when he said that confidence and delusion are 2 different things. Nagi needs the power that will enable him to fight alone in any situation and to obtain that power, he has to confront his feelings, his weapons and his shortcomings. and that demands soul searching, practice and a lot of thinking, all things i bet nagi thinks are a pain pftt.

but i want to be optimistic and think of this as another challenge he (actually, both of them) will have to conquer. im very conflicted though, cause the way i see it, what reo needs to work on now requires them to be on the same team, while what nagi needs to work on requires alone time.

in conclusion, things may have worked out between them in terms of understanding each other, but im hoping they start understanding themselves more; acknowledging their weaknesses and taking the necessary measures to overcome them. 

i do think that reo the way he is now is more likely to realise what needs to be done than nagi, whose issues are the most urgent in my opinion. so i can def see them going their separate ways for a while again, whether its reo making that decision, or nagi, or both of them together (with the latter being the ideal for me).

[mejomonster]

(The tldr is this is about gender and then versus now) I was listening to the podcast Enterprise Incidents on youtube. The Mudd's Women episode. The podcasters are 2 fans since the original airing, and I like them generally because they're really well informed in screenwriting and directing choices and so to some degree their analysis touches points I find a chunk of star trek type commentaries tend to miss: that optimisitc vision of the future, that star trek's goal was to be progressive but it also at times had flaws of its time (something Im painfully familiar with regarding Rick Berman and DS9 and TNG, so its nice hearing older watchers aware of those flaws from ToS). Now. Its not perfect. In my ideal podcast Id like to find some day (lol) a guy podcaster is capable of acknowledging the influence the spirk premise/fan perception had in some ways (from The Motion Picture thyla, that "i imagine love of men in that time" quote from Rodenberry, the Asimov suggestion to make them a team to help Kirk be accepted more by audience and Spocks individual popularity tying to Kirk was partly a bid to link their popularity). And I dont know that for all the great ideas they have, that they have any idea of the spirk fandom perception (like that quote in academia about slash fiction being the end of the Wrath of Khan if the glass were removed) or how the canon goal of making a duo unit at least created the dynamic that led to that fandom interpretation. But they do touch on many a good thing some less layer-looking people miss. They notice Kirk's actual personality (should be easy but often failed due to cultural perception versus The Show itself), Nimoys acting choices and spocks development into the character he became, the show itself deciding its identity over time and its ventures in various angles until then, what worked and what didnt regarding the progressive future versus the biases of the time it was made. They miss some nuance but theyre doing really in depth so its a treasure trove overall.

Now in Mudds Women, they miss some nuance of a story about beauty and worth that I think... i dont know. I think yeah the writers failed to hit the goal story meant to be told, but i also think outside a women perspective it can often be a miss in such storytelling (yoko taro doing the Singer in Nier Automata is the first time a guy telling a raw story about beauty and its impossible standards, invasive toxic expectations, and self destructive pressures, managed to feel totally on point and realistically managed). So i sort of yeah expect mudds women to need to be viewed Generously to grasp the message, and i sort of yeah expected guy podcasters to at best recognize where the story failed (which they did) but unfortunately not realize all the story was aiming to do (because it does Approach many topics i feel women and beauty standards and ppl who grew up in certain enviornments would recognize as Trying to be a reference to a real problem - the episode does say a fair bit if ur used to looking for those points, but not Super well done so i can see why an audience less used to relating to such points would notice them much less).

But the podcast said something this episode i found so refreshing. They mention how mudd explains how the venus drug works: it makes you "more of what you are" makes men more strong and aggressive, women more soft and feminine. Basically its a line about idealized traditional gender roles when ToS was made. And the podcaster mentions yes as a teen first watching (when we probably most feel a pressure to fit in, still most likely to believe society expects us to meet it and rewards that standard) it sounded like the drug made u better. But that in the life he lived, with the family he had, he had never been raised to think he had to be strong or women had to cook or any of that strict expectations. Then they talk about how the discussion of gender has grown so much in these years, and trans people of course can live more openly, and they say the question in society is like what does it mean to be a certain gender anyway.

And the guy says. Well i always thought and strongly think, when i say im a man, it means nothing. Because a man can be anything. Anyone can be any way, like any things, do any things, look any way. Being a certain gender means nothing beyond "im that gender."

And god how refreshing that was.

Growing up, in the 90s, yeah i felt to some degree those gender roles and expectations somewhat pushed as a teen: when girls start being pressured to wear makeup (by ads, movies, peers, trying to please crushes, avoid insults etc) and boys start being pressured to be strong (bullied for not being, attacked for being perceived as less strong by any number of reasons they get singled out by peers, movies and ads telling them their lack of strength is their reason for any failures etc). But like. There was ALSO a big push growing up, that i saw, of girls can do anything. Girls can cook or do construction, can wear dresses or play sports, can wear makeup or none at all, can have long hair or chop it off, can go into STEM or childcare, can marry or never marry, can be the career head of home or a stay at home parent, basically: anything, all of that or none of it or anyrhing in between. That was the direction of progress anyway. Guys were a bit behind (and oh of course bullying with their own peers limited their options of what wasnt ostracized) but we were seeing more acceptance of intelligence as equally desireable and acceptable to strength (at least for adult men), more media glorifying the nerds, more examples of a bigger variety of men with more niches that could still be considered ideals. And the result of that in some ways was good, i saw more guys my generation more accepting of their love of painting, cooking, wearing makeup, more guys who didnt body shame themselves as much, who didnt feel belittle themselves if they were stay at home dads or made less income, more who talked about their emotions than my parents generation ever did, more genuine friendships than we ever saw during toxic-teenage-pit when the strict standards weighed heaviest. The ideas were moving toward what is a man? Anything he wants. What is a woman? Anything she wants. What is a person? Anything they want to be. What is your gender? Whatever you feel it is. And it doesnt need to match up to Any preconcieved notions or box to be "justified" because no gender has specific strict traits it must include. Yes we still knew society had "ideals" for genders that it pushed, and that traditional and conservative thinking people held themselves to. But for people in general? What is your gender? What I feel I am. What must you do to Be that gender? Nothing. Anyone can be anything as any gender.

And god it was so refreshing hearing someone say that again. What does being a man mean? Nothing. Because a man can be anything. Anyone can be anything. Theres no box a person fits into, no box of traits any gender must conform to in order to be valid. A person can be anything and do anything and have any traits interests looks, and be whatever gender they are.

I dont know if its the way the worlds medias been shifting (so opinions we get stuck hearing more of), or cause i see trans people so often expected by society to conform to those stricter gender ideals with this weight of threat and isolation if someone in the majority finds reasons to attack (but in the end they always might, the whole thing is theyre fucked for attacking to begin with). But its like. God i miss when gender meant in my head only: what am i? What do i feel good calling myself? What feels like home. Cause im me, and me is not changing to appease some strangers. (Though i am to some degree, we all do even cis people do, because those stupid old ideals are widespread enough all ppl face some punishment or threat if they deviate from the strict boxes, despite no one fully fitting them). But like. If im me and i can do anything, what feels like home? Thats all it is to me. I miss seeing it that way. I miss when i didnt see quite so much of the looming strict standard pushing so hard on everyone to conform more. To try and force all people to cut themselves down and confine themselves to roles that serve what anyway besides littling all of us, oppressing all of us in limitation. (I mean. I know why it spreads. Maybe conservative voices are louder now about their ideal gender roles then when i grew up, or maybe its louder cause im an adult now. It doesnt mean they have any point.)

You are a person. You can be anything. Your gender is whatever you feel it is. Your gender does not inherently define your life and what you can do and be. Whatever forces we feel, remember whatever brings you joy is okay to be. Its okay to be you.

Like. Yes a person of a specific gender can define it very specifically in what that gender means TO them. How They define it for themselves. But that definition isnt universal and there is no limit to the definition of what a specific gender's people can be. A woman can look any way have any life any interest any traits any values. You can't define a woman as specific things and not others, a woman is as broadly defined as there are so many unique women in this world with so many varied unique experiences selves lives. Any gender is not universally always a confined list of traits, because theres all kinds of people with all kinds of traits of specific genders. What is a man, anything. What is a woman, anything. What is a nonbinary person, anything. A genderqueer person, anything. Any specific (or unspecific or undefined) gender person, anything. People are so varied they have too many unique traits to be always these X Y Z things and never these A B C things. Youre the gender you are cause its what feels right to you. But your definition of your own gender For u isnt universal to all people of your gender, cause people define their gender all kinds of different ways and people of your gender can have any traits in this whole spectrum of being alive.

This is the podcast btw:

And if you do know of a podcast that is aware of spirks influence on/from tos please send it my way.

[a-v-j]

He couldnt be THIS happy

Akills and Hryxy

Content warning:

yandere fever, bad puns, emotional conflict(but not as bad like with averse), dick mention, character aware of going OOC, panic attack, emotional outburst, knives, bit of self-harm, character believing they dont deserve a happy ending, hryxy doesnt know what to do but he's trying his best, hurt/comfort, author speaks/side comments, not really a polish fic so format can be a bit wonky

Written by @nyxus-nyx and me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Akills=Italic

Hryxy=Bold

Previously(suggestive warning)

Akills decided to chill here after his strenuous activity 🚬

Hryxy appears behind Akills and stares down at him. His body was still half morphed beast as his tail dragged on the ground making scrapping sounds.

Akills flicks the cigarette and stomps on it

"not having a good day too, big guy"

He says so from his sitting position

(shiiiit i forgot Hryxy's in yandere-)

"Shit…." He hissed st himself

Hryxy just stared as he crouched down to Akills and tilted his head. His tail swaying more.

"i cant really tell if youre happy to see me or if youre plotting my demise already inside your head"

He deadpanned, staring back into hyrxy, trying to read something behind those eyes

”no.”

He fully sat, as his tail twitched and stopped fully. His eyes fixated on akills.

He cant really read hyrxy right now. Mild confusion etched to akills' face as he raised a brow

"…"

"Then what's in your mind, big guy"

”You..”

His tail began to sway and drag again, his mouth twitches. His claws flex a bit in the sweater pockets. The empty eyesocket continues to stare.

Akills tsk-ed and leans back.

"Well i hope it's not about chewing me. M'not in the mood"

Casually recalling how the thing with lavendar the first time he did it again after a long while. Doesn't mean much to him though, but boy it did left his body a little bit sore

"…"

"Ya gonna keep staring at me or …?"

Hryxy shook his head as he grabbed Akills and pull him onto his lap. His tail wraps around him along with his arms as his bodu warms up. Slowly releasing pain relief and healin magic.

“Tired.”

Akills tensed as he was randomly picked up and squished against Hryxy. He loosened up, feeling the other's healing magic

"Hey- didnt asked for this, just to let you know"

He stated as if he's gonna pull away but made no attempt to

Hryxy chuckled as his body slowly went to normal. He held onto Akills.

“Dont have to ask.. i already know.”

He sighed restin his head on Akills.

"well youre awfully touchy than usual"

He says, pretending to not know hyryxy is having some yandere fever going on

"Is there something you want from me?"

”No.”

He just sighed and held em. He grumbled.

“I know you, you know of this damn.. fever.”

Akills chuckled dryly

"Dont look at me, nobody knows what fixes that crap"

Akills took a long while to realized that this had probably the longest he's being touched that doesn't involve being chewed, pinned or generally in a pain inducing situation and it actually feels…nice? Gosh it's been so long

”Do you.. like dark chocolate?”

He mumbled as he reaches into his own shorts pockets searching for soemthing. He grumbles struggling to find the soemthing.

"heh, i dont really desire food anymore"

Akills says as he's being slightly juggled around in Hryxy's attempt to search something in his pocket

"And i doubt whatever you're finding is even actual chocolate-"

”Surprisingly it is.”

He chuckled as he pulled it out. He pulled infront of them both and opens it.

“Im not a monster without taste.”

"that's a first. I assumed youre gonna pull out some pieces of brains and call it chocolate"

”Haha.. cant blame ya for that..”

He breaks it in half and offers it to Akills. He didnt care if he couldnt feel the need or cant eat. He has his own reasons why hes offering it.

“Its a bit salty sense i was in a rush gettin it.. was trying to get the sweeter one..”

Akills accepts it and takes a bite, a huge one

"Not complaining, it's a nice gesture coming from you, might as well do the same"

”Mm..”

He bites his half almost biting it all off.

“If you dont want the things i give or do.. tell me.”

"heh"

He rolled his eyes, as he gobbled up the last bite of his chocolate

"I'll let you know"

He finished the bite and ate the rest, his arm going back around Akills.

He rested his head back on Akills. He closed his eye sighing contently.

“Your body temperature mixes from cold and hot.. its funny..”

"what can i say, im all bones and no meat"

Akills sighed humorously, getting a bit comfortable being in the others embrace

He chuckled.

“Makes sense, your a skeleton. If so, id have to pick a Bone with you.. would try to eat it.”

He smiles a lil, his teeth hidden by his curved lips.

“Im bad at puns.. its been years..”

"real humerus, bud"

"Really tickled my funny bone"

He genuinely chuckled to himself this time, he internally thought for himself, he's not been joke-y since. It's quite nostalgic to simply humour around

"It's been years for me too"

He nods and his arms wrapped around more. Similar to a bear.

“Tell me soemthin interesting sbout you..”

His voice almost sounded as a purr as he closed his eye.

Akills almost on reflex attempted to friendly tap Hryxy for getting a bit tight there but he just lets him

"Well…besides having an expressive dick and absolutely charming- wait, am i really developing a personality right now?"

He chuckles to himself, with feelings this time. It's funny

"Im feeling funny"

It's like his old self is stirring back to him but he couldn't care, it feels nice. He usually wouldn't be caught dead having his old self back but this one feels like there's none of the bad things, he feels the him who was happy. Happy WITH someone

"Hehe, im feeling really out of character right now"

”Ha. Maybe your being developed..”

He loosens his arms for him more, he twitches a lil as his chest begans to itch.

Akills made Hryxy's arm stay in place

"Dont even think about it, big guy"

””Sorry. Sorry.”

His smile twitches as his body begans to itch. These feelings are weird. But he grins wider.

"hehe, i know right. It's weird and fluffy. It's so gay, haha"

He gives a friendly pat on the other's arm. A vision of just giving hryxy some belly rub crossed his mind but he knows better to think that's one hell of an idea

He laughed as he leaned back some, trying to rub his back on something.

“Makes you think this is a dream..”

Akills twitched as a foul memory flashed before him, setting him to haphazardly pry himself out of Hryxy's arms. Reality is sinking itself and he knows damn well he was in this situation before. What if it IS a dream.

This is too good to be true

He couldn't be THIS happy. Especially with SOMEONE.

What a joke

Akills scurried away from Hryxy. He shook, his hand gripping on his shirt as he tries to get himself back to calm. He looks like he's about to have a panic attack and shoot out his knives out of sheer anger at these…"feelings"

Hryxy just sat there his arms to his sides.

“Do you need to stab somethin.?”

He didnt feel like tackling or makin him more upset.

Akills did not respond but his hands started to shake more and glowed.

After a split second, a sonic boom kind of wave emanated from him and around him was a dangerous amount of knives, more than his magic supply could summon. He heavily breathes thru his mouth as he shakenly shut them tight in a grit. His face pure of hate and anger, his eyelight narrowed as he began throwing all his attacks everywhere where Hryxy isnt.

Dust and debris flew to the air as his attacks penetrated the ground with so much force, the sound almost felt like explosions as it continues to rain knives.

As the dust subsides, there alone akills barely standing. It appears that he cut against himself as well. He was trembling to stay standing.

He has his back still at Hryxy. He slowly turn, face void of any emotions but with almost dried streaks of tears barely visible against the stain on his face.

"… it's fine now.."

He monotoned

He tried to walk back to Hryxy, he barely made it as he collapsed

Hryxy quickly caught him and sighed, he looked down at Akills. His face full of confusion and worry.

“The more ypu do that.. the more im most likely going to tackle you.”

Hryxy huffed and sat Akills back on his lap and started to take off his hoodie.(Not Akills' l o l)

Akills seems to response back in a form of a groan. Being the weakest of autos when it comes to magic, his energy consuming attack earlier completely drained him, and he's unable to heal himself of the multiple cuts he brought upon himself. He's rendered immovable.

Hryxy puts the hoodie on Akills and he goes back to the bear hug and starts to heal him.

“Would be funny if a knife hit me in the face.”

He chuckled

If only akills have some energy left in him, he gladly would without hesitation. But right now, he's helpless, vulnerable, and weak. Might take a while for him to deliver Hryxy's request. Right now he has to heal

”Wanna know something funny. I cant die unless my soul is crushed.”

He stared at the endless abyss of this room. He just kept healing Akills.

“Can’t feel pain unless is afflicted on my soul.”

Hryxy was only met with the sounds of akills' breathing but it gives off a sense that the smaller skeleton is listening, he felt more relaxed now

”I don’t think the fever.. affects me much. Im still me just more.. clingy i should say.”

He shrugged his claws twitch and his chest itched. He only wore a white bloodied tangtop.

“I talk to much..”

It's interesting enough to know hryxy is able to bounce back from the effects of the fever. In fairness, it's only worse at the beginning and in the end, but he seems to do well managing the middle part of the process. Akills' tried to open his socket with little energy he has, he wants the other to know he's listening still

Hryxy leaned back abit, giving Akills some kind of space. Hryxy ruffles his hair and rubbed his temples. Itching at chest now sense has room now.

“God.. fuckin.. damnit.”

A hand quickly but sluggishly placed itself on Hryxy's claws that's scratching his chest, Akills' had his socket closed again but a small frown form itself on his mouth

Hryxy froze his head looked down at Akills hand. His chest began to itch more then ever before. His claw twitches under the others hand.

“What..”

Akills' response was nothing but silence, his mouth twitches as if trying to say something but it feels like he's having sleep paralysis. What will hryxy be doing next?

Hryxy begins to salivate and looks away, he grits his teeth. Scratching helps him not feel this weird things in his body. It keeps him from lashing out almost to what akills does but less cool. He laughed to himself but it turned into a growl.

“Can.. you scratch it.. if i cant..”

"…"

Akills' hand that's trying to stop the claw felt lighter, indicating the small skeleton is letting him do what he must. Remembering how the scratching could only mean that some nasty thing will happen, he just felt a bit… concerned with his own situation. He's very prone to the whatever may result if the bigger guy keeps on scratching

He scratches it but not as rough. His body is aching, but he used more of his magic to heal Akills.

“You remind me of a cat sometimes haha..”

He licks his teeth from the drool.

Akills brows slightly bunched together, seemingly disagreeing to Hryxy's statement. He was able to open his eye slightly and for a split second, one can see his eyelight was looking directly at the halfbreed before closing again

”Cats are cute yet dangerous. Could claw your eyes out.”

He humed as he slowly drifts into past memories. The flowers. The names. Mother..

He twitched clenching his claw into a fist.

“Fun times..”

If there's two things akills hate in the world, it'd be being called cute and being compared to a cat, he hates cats.

"…"

He tried to move his hand that was still somewhere on Hryxy, in an attempt to get the other to relax a bit after sensing some tension from the other from recalling past memories

Hryxy caught Akills hand and kept it there. His body begins to shift and goes into beast mode, his body holding akills like a dragon with its eggs. He grumbled not wanting Akills to leave yet.

It's not like akills can move at the moment anyway.

akills tried to crack his sockets open to let hryxy know he's still damn awake, and he's able to open em a little and and a bit longer.

Hryxy rests his head on Akills lap and sighed and his red eyelight closes. His body warming up more. The hesling magic increases along with pain soothinf magic.

Akills' finger twitched in an attempt to start moving any of his limbs. He was able to sloppily move his hand to be place on top of Hryxy's head but it kinda smacked the other's face on the way, but it made it's way to the place akills want it to be.

Hryxy didnt mind the small hit but he soon leaned into the others touch. His horns and some waht spikey ears bend back a bit. Liking the others touch.

Akills sighed in content, feeling a lot better. He blinks a couple time and looks down at Hryxy on his lap, brushing his thumb on the other's soft furred head. He eventually was able to fully stroke it, his finger softly combs thru the other fur. He wiggled his feet and toes a bit and made a small stretch, glad to finally able to move. He goes back to relaxing and a nap feels like a very good idea right now. He kept stroking Hryxy's head as he slowly closes his sockets.

The End :D

Next

[moldwood]

i have 15 minutes before my work day starts, so why not have some reflections on 2023 for the lunar new year since my zodiac the dragon returns to me ☀️

PASSION

at the very end of the year, i did something i had always wanted to do and stepped down from work into a substitute position so i could focus on my art. it has been... slow, but i think it was the right move. whenever im not making something, i really cannot stand life. of course, i wont be able to stand it if i cant eat either, so well see how things turn out by the end of this year. i do think i need to get some art priorities in order, because im jumping around between a lot of projects which means theyre all getting done very slowly. i need to start focusing on one thing at a time, i think, but i really am enjoying the new stronger presence art has in my life.

MOOD

i really feel better than ever in regards to myself! most likely due to the aforementioned outpouring of passion into things ive wanted to do for YEARS. for the past few years, ive been a bit more aware of everything going on in my head than when i was a teen since i was still processing a lot of trauma, so ive been letting myself have a bit more slack on the rope in terms of "acting out of character" if that makes any sense. having a solid personality isnt something i really worry about since i know your sense of self is always shifting in every circumstance, but there were just some ways i never acted before that i let myself try on, find out its not for me, and then i end up feeling even more solid in who i am since i know what im not. i always knew i wasnt a giggly, happy-go-lucky person, but now i know that i can feel that way when i really really like someone. laios im talking about laios i have to be honest.

FRIENDSHIP

i think its my own personal failing that i overlook red flags from friends and try to make excuses for their behavior up until its too late and i have trouble not realizing that giving them an open space to be themself away from the world and support isnt enough to change that some are the type of people who are just looking for an excuse to think poorly of you anyway. i dont think im an overly kind person who will coddle someone being bad to me or a friend, but i definitely dont put my foot down enough. it happens in minor ways, but it happened in a major way again recently. if i had a dime for every time it turned into something severe, i would have two dimes. eight years apart and i let someone do the same thing, just minus suicide baiting me this time

tldr a friend of a friend sent that friend some stuff and it turns out that a friend who is no longer a friend turned into an islamophobe or at least started following islamophobic accounts and is very... delusional about the whole friendship + the kind of people we are + how we thought of him + really just wanted to think the worst of us and felt now he had a reason. we didnt read much more and felt no need to. its for the best that it's over, though, i think. he really was like that the whole friendship and didnt put any value on the things i/we did for him because it was never enough, which i knew the whole time but ignored because i thought if i did enough it would be enough, which leads me to:

i have been focusing more on loving my friends lately in the wake of that. i always have, though im not very vocal/chatty, so ive always shown it in my own way through giving drawings and gifts whenever im able. im never worried that i dont have a place in their lives, and im trying to worry less about the disconnect between how im thought of vs how i am. i think more what i am focusing on now is that i was always a very busy person, so while my friends were always very important to me, i want to do even more to show that since i want them to be sure of it. i dont have much time for any more projects, but i want to make sure they know i would do all i can for them outside of just drawing. i think this will help a bit with feeling more comfortable saying when i think something theyre doing isnt chill to me since the feeling would Hopefully go from me being bossy to me being just looking out for them being their best selves/not letting myself be misunderstood which just happens bc i dont talk very clearly not out of any lack of caring (there is a jumbled mess between my head and my mouth)

i also want to try to make new friends, or at least new acquaintances. theres a few people (mutuals 🥴) ive really wanted to talk to more, but i never know what to say. which makes sense, since i dont even talk with my friends all that much, usually only just whatever comes up in the current conversation in vc. autism damned. that boy cannot hold a conversation for his life. but maybe drawings are the way to go. my hands are all ive got IN SUMMARY

there are more thoughts and i dont have time to reread + word everything all nice because i have to work now. it is all a rambling train of thought mess. BUT tldr: life is really good right now and i feel more solid in the friendships im keeping and i am excited for my future art endeavors now that the last thing i was waiting for (the mixing palette!!!) came in. of course friendship is the longest section its the most important thing to me. anyway dreams for the year quickly ummmmm

✦ i want to learn how to use gouache. i have it! but i have to wait till i get a few projects out to get started. i think this will be very fun and very good for me because its been so long since ive played with a new medium ✦ i want to get better at small talk. how is the weather? do you like this type of weather? what type of weather do you like? what do you like to do when it is that type of weather? ✦ i want to visit prague to see if moving there would be good + feasible. my mom and half sister want to take a trip there, so i really hope that pans out and we can all go! ✦i want to work through my moral ocd about opening up a patreon/kofi and selling merch. people wouldnt subscribe if they didnt already have the money to. it doesnt matter if i make and sell 40 acrylic charms that are plastic and bad for the environment, taylor swift takes a private jet for a 20 minute car ride. ✦ i want to reach a higher fluency with arabic. its hard to find time to practice with my huge workload, so i think once i get better at time management with the projects, i can devote my mornings to a lesson a day and make better progress. ✦ lastly ig i want to try more new foods. i have been for the past several years, but i still am not the best at having good food consistently. im too busy right now to cook every day, so again i guess when i get better at time management between projects and life, i can devote some time in the week to meal prep + cooking good food. thank you laios dungeon meshi for reinforcing this. i already knew it but now theres a hot boy telling me it

2024 the year of more wahoooooo more taking more giving more drawing more cooking more dreaming more sun in the summer

[kylejsugarman]

Hi syd!! ily and I hope you are having a great day! 💕💕💕💕

Ps. How does Jesse end up working with Sheila and how do Baby and Sheila get along?

hi leighanne i adore u!!!! ive been having a nice lazy day and it has been sick as hell 💕

so!! for the first couple of weeks in alaska, jesse basically doesnt leave his new place (ed left him a cache of supplies) for a lot of reasons and only very reluctantly goes into town for the first time because he's out of stuff. he stops off for groceries, then cigarettes from the general store and is walking back to his car when he sees a woman trying to get a chest of drawers through the door of one of the shops on the main street. she looks at him and says "you. come help me with this." jesse obliges because there's no way to run from this now and assists her in getting the chest un-stuck and into the shop.

it's a furniture shop, a sort of hybrid of antique store, restoration and repair place, and custom production store. he's kind of stunned: honestly, he didnt expect there to be anything in this town. then again, he doesnt know Anything about this place or even alaska at large. sheila immediately starts talking his ear off upon realizing that she's never seen him before, excited as hell to have another person to meet and know. jesse obviously doesnt tell her much and is initially dying to get tf out of there, but sheila is chummily determined to rope him into town. she makes them both some coffee (without being asked. she just makes it and gives him a mug and asks if he wants creamer or anything. it's so weird but it makes staying a little easier) and starts telling him about haines, where he can go for this and that, how things work here, has he settled in alright?? does he have a job?? jesse is like. "Um." because he hasn't been thinking that far (he truly can only think one day at a time rn) but he'll definitely need one. sheila immediately pounces on him and says that since she's added custom production to her shop, she's had trouble taking care of Everything by herself and has been thinking about hiring someone to work the store and help her with coordination and other tasks. he sheepishly admits that he actually kind of likes carpentry and building stuff and sheila basically HOWLS and is like "fate put u on my sidewalk, son!! they call this a miracle. oh, we're gonna be BEST friends. hold on, i have some cookies in my office, we need cookies—" even if this wasnt the kind of work he wanted to go into, sheila wouldn't have really given him a choice, but he kind of needs that direction and guidance right now

and sheila was made in a laboratory to be an aunt or a grandma. she and her wife bea don't have kids, but bea comes from a big family and has lots of nieces and nephews that sheila lives to spoil. she's aware of baby since demi's practice is down the street, but once she gets to know demi and baby a little better, sheila decides that she's going to be that kid's honorary aunt. sheila thinks baby is a hoot and wants to give her all the confidence and pride and security in the world (tbh sheila sort of believes that Everyone should act like Sheila). baby's never going to act like that, but it is good for her to have an adult around who is extremely self-confident and assertive to learn those traits from. for all of her brashness, sheila is extremely generous and very sweet to the whole family, but she loves to roll up to the function with a gift for baby and a "im gonna take this little sweet pea home with me" threat before she leaves the function. she loves that kid

[luvuwite]

Unsure if you are able to do advice abt healing and all from bad friendships and all but i wanted to ask a few questions! you can always delete my ask dw dw no pressure 😭

What would you recommend when you hold a lot of spite and grudges against an ex friend but whenever you try to get better, you kinda slip into the hole again then it just repeats over and overr. I do want to be better but somewhat lost yk? you seem to know how to handle these friendships and such!! it's honestly amazing and am inspired to be better like you but its so hard 😭😭

oh anon im sorry :( i can try to help as best i can ok!!

being aware of your actions is the FIRST thing you have to realize, if you don't know how you're behaving, then you don't even know theres an issue. but!!! from what ur saying, it looks like u already have an idea of whats been going on, but its been continuing to circle for a while now, which i'll be honest is not good

if you're aware of your behavior and how its repeating, the first thing you need to do is take a step back and self-reflect! holding a lot of spite for someone is honestly kinda normal, but its only normal because fallouts happen all the time in peoples lives, if the person seriously fucked you over, like im talking about backstabbing, shitty gossip friend, didnt care at all for you or LIKE. IDK SOME GENUINELY LAW CONCERNING THINGS then YEAH you have every right to hold a bad view over them, but thats just that, that its just a bad view. you never want to become too focused on something you hate, because you will get consumed by it

once you realize youre starting to spiral again, try taking a step back. i know its a lot easier said than done, but seriously, literally get up and take a really big deep breath, and just start moving around! start stretching your body, blast some really fun music, make some tea/hot choco/get water, cook and get somethin to eat, lay back, close your eyes and relax your breathin and thoughts, basically anything you know wont be harming yourself or putting you in a wrong position!!

i hope this helps :) let me know if you need anythin else

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[addelaidesupreme]

Hey gang, i let this simmer for a day and felt i should clarify/correct what tumblr user @pineapplecake555 is getting wrong about this post. How do we feel about a numbered list? (btw me tagging them there is not an invitation to harass this user, i just felt that was the best way to phrase it, idk)

1) I never used the word Oppression once in my post or the tags. This was a vent post about minor inconveniences I've experienced throughout my transition, not some manifesto.

2) I want to call attention to the use of gendered language in their first paragraph: if you go back and read the section they're referencing, you'll notice that i was very particular to not refer to anybody using gendered language, because I'm pansexual and this has happened with many different pairings.

3) it's hard for me to put it into words, but it feels very telling that this tumblr user chose to read the situation as a woman being coerced into harassing bisexual women. kinda feels like theyre tacking on a bit of unrelated ideology there. almost feels victim-blame-y? it's complicated.

moving on to paragraph two:

1) Again, never used the word oppression. I even say in my closing paragraph that im just complaining.

2) saying "ive been on a journey of self discovery and realized i really like the art of self expression" isnt misogynystic. If a cis man said it, there would be no problems, but because i'm a trans woman, it's morally dubious at least.

3) if a trans woman knowing about fashion is going to scare away someone's customers, then they've got some stupid customers, cuz genderqueer people are the backbone of the industry

it reeeaaally feels like one is pulling at straws here to try and make some grand statement about transfems all because i *checks notes* didnt have a threesome and flubbed a job interview.

Anyway, it's like 8am and ive been writing for the majority of the time ive been awake, post-coffee. Think I've said all that needs to be said about this. Hoping it doesnt blow up as much as it did the first time around but it'd be nice to at least make sure some folks are aware of the correction.

I'm watching a video essay about a game ive been interested in playing. The creator of the video, who has crossdressed multiple times, makes a "women arent funny" joke, and i suddenly realize ive never witnessed him acknowledge a woman in an uplifting way before.

I'm on a dating app for lgbt+ people. I've stated multiple times on my profile that i would rather lose an arm than recieve nudes without consent. I will be sent five dick pics for every 2 people i talk to that night.

I'm talking with my dad, who informs me he's been trying his best to learn about trans issues. He says the same things steven crowder brings up when trying to ridicule trans people. I gently but firmly correct my father and get told that ive been fed propaganda.

I'm on instagram, under the comments of a post ridiculing someone for being a misogynyst. Someone's left a comment saying "it must be hard being a woman on the internet" and i respond "it is." I will have every aspect of my appearance scrutinized as a reminder that no matter how well i pass, it will never be enough for someone with bad intentions.

I'm back on that dating app for lgbt+ people. I'm messaged by an attractive looking person, but i can see their partner prominently displayed in all but their main photo, oftentimes striking what im sure they thought was a very intimidating pose. Their bio says "looking for a third for our anniversary." I know that even if I did feel up to it, the gruff partner wouldnt approve of me because i don't pass.

I'm at a job interview for a clothing store. I tell the gracefully-dressed woman interviewing me that ever since i began my transition, i've discovered an interest in fashion, and that this job would allow me to dip my toes into the industry in a safe way. I'm told that i've reduced womanhood to a stereotype, and i can tell by her tone that i lost any chance at the job the minute she realized i was trans.

I'm at the same hospital i got facial feminization surgery in, trying to figure out what's wrong with my bowels. When the person behind the desk gives me a wristband with my patient info on it, i notice a single, lonely, letter M. I ask a nurse in private why it would say that despite me having changed it nearly a year prior. They say they have no clue, and bring in paperwork for me to fill out and have it re-changed again.

I'm living with my mom at the time. I'm new to transitioning, and decide to try my hand at voice training. It feels a bit off, but otherwise im feeling neutral toward the whole thing. I try speaking in this new voice to my mom and she laughs. Now, when people ask if i intend to voice train, i find speaking at all difficult for minutes after.

I didnt have some sort of grand message to convey by this. I just had a thought and then that thought spiralled into whatever the hell this became. Some, okay most, might call it complaining; they are right to do so.

[phantalgia]

'And You'll Know We Have Many Roads To Follow'

I tried getting into contact with an old friend who wanted to reach out to me in 2023. I was excited, they were a person I really liked in the past and was, again, one of those moments where I failed and mucked it up. I liked them and they had a crush on me. But my self sabatoge got the better of me. And they found someone else.

All of it pretty much my fault and quite embarassing and immature, I faked being in a relationship so they could get away from me because I hated myself. I didnt think I was good enough. I was in a lot of pain because I liked this person and wanted to be with them. They really were right up my alley of the type of person I wanted to be around.

I spoke with some random person about this whole ordeal and he convinced me to actually give it a shot with this person. And I went yeah! I should, if it doesn't work out, so what! I learned something.

I can't remember what happened next but I do remember being too late. They were taken...I was devestated. And never really talked to them again until 2023 when I reached out to them and apologized for the things I did.

Months later they wanted to hang out with me, which was the thing that excited me. A rekindled relation that I could fix up. I tried to talk to them the best I could but I was really shy and scared...and again...I messed it up. I was too scared and we never hung out. This was in the middle of me dealing with Long COVID.

Eventually they just stopped talking to me, never responded to my DMs and was once again taken by someone else, the same thing happened again. I realized my usefulness wasn't needed anymore so I removed them and moved on.

'Somewhere, someday we might meet again Who knows which way we'll go?'

So we did meet again, but alas history repeats itself. We have many roads to follow, just not this road. There's quite a bit of pain, mostly self inflicted. But this hurt me a lot especially in a moment of self discovery and trying to reach out to people i care about that I lost.

And as you'll know we have many roads to follow. They all went down their own roads. I feel like just a blip in their lives. Insignificant. Or even malignant.

I don’t know where my road is taking me. It's just a mystery and it's a lonely one at that.

'Someday you'll be calling out my name and you won’t get answer'

I’m calling out for a lot of names. No answer. The regret and guilt I have today just is so much for me. These were some great people. And I think about them a lot. But my only wish now is for them all to live happy lives.

I think much of what aflicts me now, the struggles I’m dealing with now is just karma. I deserved this. I deserved this suffering because I wasnt aware that other people were also struggling and wanted to be around me. I shut them out of my life and now I have to suffer lonely...I never felt so lonely in my life.

No matter how many friends I now have it just doesn't fill this empty sensation I have in my chest that those people filled my soul. It's a very specific feeling that each one filled in their own unique ways. I really don’t think anyone can quite fill it. But I’m afraid of trapping myself in a situation where I’m taking for granted the current friends I have. Maybe they don’t fill my soul the same way those people did and that could be because those people felt more like borderline romantic relationships.

'Calling Out Your Name, Now We'll Get an Answer'

Maybe someone will answer. This doesn't have to be literally those people but the type of people I’m looking for. Or maybe I’m trying to have an impact on people's lives. I’m not sure.

I’m tired of this isolation. I’m really sure how to talk to people or find people I’m looking for. I just want something different and to make up for the damage I've done to people.

Final Comments on "Many Roads to Follow"

I love Cut Worms. One of my favorite musicians today. Many Roads to Follow just reflects on many people you meet and cherish and how for many of us just have new places we go to and we have to move on. The grief of losing those special people, and the hope that you'll meet those people again some day.

The song itself just sounds like a big road trip or journey. A celebration but also a mourning of what we once had and that maybe it's not over. And just the unpredictability of where we'll end up.

[areyouafraid]

now that im thinking about im sorry if ive come across as overly brash about some things in the past ill be blunt im dumb as fuck like honestly, thats self awareness, i do make the effort to learn but regardless ive always been kind of sheltered & i dont have the same metric i guess for certain social skills that other people do. and i guess i sometimes forget that even in leftist spaces we arent necessarily always all on the same playing ground so to speak. the vid i posted specifically was about white leftists' either having a weird fixation on black conservatives at worst or not possessing and approaching the issue with the same knowledge & context that black leftists have at best. but this same sort of logic loosely applies to a lot of shit. im specifically thinking about times ive called out other LGBT people for doing gross shit and like, i try to hold everyone to the same moral standards obviously but im realizing i might not have handled some of the issues with the sort of... delicateness? that i probably should have. like, yeah, you shouldn't care what someone is, but don't forget that it matters (in the sense that certain people are more vulnerable, etc). i feel like im probably especially guilty of doing this with trans people as a cis person. and its not like its from a place of malice but. idk i worry i got too in my own head and i didnt give enough thought to how it came off. i didnt think to give it thought. idk ill have to think on this for a while longer but i hope i havent alienated anyone w the way ive acted

[6lost6but6trying]

December 25. 2023

Dear Tiara,

Its been a while since iv done these but im going to try to write like my sappy old self used to….

I know i told you that i missed you

I miss you in the most innocent way possible

Yes we may be perverts and had a big of a “intense” physical attraction….remember “ SELF CONTROL” x3

But besides that…

I miss you when i dont see you

I miss you when i dont hear you

I miss your gentle touch when you held me, played with my hand and my hair…

It made me feel safe

The way i said my mind goes blank when im not stressing and feel safe, is how i have felt when iv been with you

All eyes on you

Youve gotten my full focus

Even when i talk to you on apex, my mind is with you and my heart is happy

This is probably why shes saying my heart isnt with her 100%

Im sorry this year was a total mess with this

I wish i could change it but at the same time i dont because it wouldnt have helped us realize stuff we know now

No matter if we have kissed and stuff like that…

I know youre flip flopping on if you should give me another chance as a friend….

Just know working on that friendship again im all in for

After you telling me about attachment styles…

It made me visualize how you and i can work on our own attachments even if we are not together…

And still be in contact..

Please again dont think i never cared about our friendship….

I really did i was just in a mess and didnt know what to do

I used to be so much better at relationships back then

Then i fell in a deep black hell hole and didnt know what to do anymore

Marco knows im not the happiest without you…

But he just goes with the flow of how i go…

He and Natalie are on your side now

They thought i was in the best relationship and now they changed their minds…

Im starting to as well…

I feel like i stay because of the good days…theres been more good days than bad but when bad comes around…its BAD bad…

We never attack the problem,

We attacked eachother…

I may have made a mistake but not really because its helping me realize things…

I just know i miss you

I miss your hugs

I miss your high fives

I miss you calling me “little shit”

And mind you when you say that… my little inner self gets all giggly and happy each time, i have no idea why but he does🙈

I miss when you challenge me to figure things out with puzzles

I miss you always talking shit about how you beat me on mortal kombat

I miss you beating me on beatsaber and calling me trash even tho you dont mean it in a bad way

The way you say it, your movement and such, nobody else says it like you and it just makes me smile and i dont even get mad…

I miss you making us dinner

I miss eating and talking with you

I miss our therapy session at home and apex even tho we didnt have to have them but we do and it helps me get to know you and the way u think better…

I miss your laughter

I miss your face

I miss our interactions in general

Im so sorry we got us into this mess

But i sure miss you alot….

A part of me still wishes we couldve worked out

A part of me when marco said to do it with you and i said no…i actually wouldnt have minded helping you experience it but a part of me wants to be more than just a toy for you to try stuff on…

But a major part of me still wants to work it out with you as a friend way more than anything and if things form and we grow wiser and more aware of things we want and being with eachother is still a want… then my heart will be yours… i believe deep down i never given Someone my heart yet…more like i did at some point but she showed a true color and i took it back…. My puppy self is still looking back at you from outside that glass window you have provided

I just realized

When things were happening with us 3, she had a door open so easily for me while you just had a window open and a door locked…

A part of me just wants to put a ladder on that window, climb up and go in and feel the safety feeling and knock the ladder down so theres no going back. The wide open door she gave me seemed too easy and not secured….

Im sorry for everything & i offer you my friendship and whatever else….

I do care about you alot…

Again im so sorry 😞

Will you forgive me?

Hug for yes

No hug for no

The choice is yours my tiara 💕 👑

~Love: Your old work husband 💍

[kninedlog]

Since my own art is trash credit goes to this person for the best interpretation creatable:

The picrew itself: https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/257476

OC #2 : Reese Andrews

The beginning | Previous | Next

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-born in a simple family and wealth Resse had grown to have the same interest as her father. Severely so even. When she was younger she would make little things that would waddle around and make little sounds just for fun, just to keep herself entertained and focused away from slowly dying love her parents had for eachother.

- A little brother. At the age of 3 Reese's little brother was born. She was elated to no longer be alone, but she knew the real reason for his birth.

- Her parents thought the prospects of another baby would fix things. Rekindle a dying flame. They would give them a chance to restart what they couldn't with Reese. A hurtful realization for the girl but a true one nonetheless.

- Reese was spoiled, very spoiled. Most of their saved wealth from their old faz-life went to her when she planned and birthed and because of all the things she had, a personal babysitter, all the toys she could ever want she didnt really need a connection towards her parents.

- Obviously at the time it seemed like a perfect idea. The two adults wanted to still indulge in their personal hobbies and pressure a career without dealing with a the burdens of a child upon them; while still saying they had a child to work and do what their doing all of this for. This led Reese to become very self efficient at the age of 3, due to her increasingly amazing intelligence there wasnt much adults could do for her. She raised herself and her brother all on her own free will, the only thing her babysitter was good for was physical protection when the parents were gone and out their lavish house. However, they took would be inefficient and discarded.

- Still very self aware and smart at age three; Reese and her mother's relationship started to decline faster and faster as the days went on. Ms. Andrews stated to loose herself for an abundant amount of reasons. But none can compare to the blame she pins on her own daughter. A blame that Reese could never truly understand till this day. One Ms. Andrews lost her job and became a stay at home mother (Mr. Andrews now working as a drive around technician.) And her little pick-me-up hobby stopped giving her joy she turned to substances that made her more aggressive more violent and more dependent than ever on her baby boys affection.

- Reese got the blunt force of all the violence and hate. For reasons that were explained to her but she just couldn't understand. She could understand however that her mother was starting to loose it, and as a result for feeling more like a mother to her brother than her own ever could, she did everything in her power to keep her mother and baby brother seperated. Albeit only months old, waddling around and babbling to try and talk, her little brother was also gifted with an incredible increase of intelligence. As his big sister would help him, he would do anything to help her.

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- Every day in that house when their father was gone was like a warzone. Having to tiptoe around and do things ultra silent to not awake the monster that roamed the halls alongside them. Reese, understanding just how much more complicated life would get if her father found out about the abuse kept silent about it for a whole year.

- That was until one day Mr. Andres came home to a horrifying scene before him revolving around his four years old daughter, one years old son and his livid to beyond control wife.

- That did it. That was the last straw, the cut that broke the thread. He threw her out the house and kept the kids safe in a closet as he waited for the police to arrive and once they did Reese quickly explained everything to the shocked officer before her father could be falsely accused by the woman's deception. She was taken away, trials would be held for her crimes as well as a legal divorce.

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- She tried to still combat for custody but there was no point she would never be able to see her kids again, and spiraling into a madness that only grew since the miscarriage, she lost it.

- Staying at home now, having to let go of his job, only barely getting by money wise through small government checks and stamps, Mr. Andrews became a stay at home dad to take care of his son before he start school like his sister. Every day she wasn't home he would take his son with him to the garage where his gift to them resided and as his son watched on in awe at his father work away on this gift he put his blood sweat tears and all emotions he's ever felt into the creation of this thing. Especially the love he has for his strong minded and strong willed children.

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- Money became extremely tight now, tight to a degree where Mr. Andrews had to sadly ask his daughter to try and see if she can do chores at others houses for some spare change. Cut some grass, shovel snow in the winter, walk the dog, clean the house when their gone. She agreed and got right to it, helping then some but it wasn't enough,

- At 6 years old the lavish house Reese had grown up in had soon been taken from her family and they were briefly homeless for a couple of nights. That was until, a house listing came around to Mr. Andrews that he just couldn't simply turn down. It was big, it was grand, but it was decrepit and breaking apart at the seams. For only 100 dollars this almost entirely boarded up house could be the Andrews. Not 100 dollars to rent, 100 dollars to buy.

- There was a catch though. The reason Mr. Andrews was able to find this house was becuase of an old work friend he tried to seperate his life from. Henry Emily. He found the Andrews after some digging and they came across his radar after the trial for Mrs. Andrews went public as well as the announcement of her self inflicted death behind bars.

- He approached mr. Address with a propersition that would not only return the Andrews back to their wealth and glory but also give him a job and support his kids. He told his old work partner that he remembered the amazing intelligence and engineering that Andrews possessed and asked for his help in a final attempt to make Freddy's known again. He hesitantingly accepted, with only one exception. If Henry tells him, everything the whole story and why he needed to be apart of it, and to promise that his family would be out of it for good from this point on.

- Henery agreed and explained himself. Explained the story of the Afton's, explained why he needed to do this, explained why Andrews was needed for him to finish the job. Henry was a genius, an impeccable one at that. But there was no way in hell he would be able to do this alone. He needed help from someone he knew he could rely on, someone still young enough to create new things and appeal to the mondern audiences fast. Someone who he can give the motivations to create new versions of the animatronics they both used to love with all their heart. As well as somone to help him make a certain gaggle of animatronics and souls a perfect coffin.

- Once finally caught up on all the mess, Andrews could get behind the need to end it all. So help he did with the creation of the newly rebranded Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. A prison made for the wicked. A prison ment to lure and trap and end the walks of the beings that should have ended long ago.

- he helped by designing building and creating the Rockstar Animatronics beside Henry, using their newly hired manager and tester Mike along with Andrews own children to see if they would appeal to all ages, this was Reese and her little brother now 8 years old's first experience with the Fazbear name.

- as her father went in every day for his shift, his specific job being the same as it always was, keeping the animatronics and the entertainment fun, clean and safe, Reese on certain days had no other choice but to take her and her brother to this playground after school. The job wasn't that far from home, a single taxi drive took ten to twenty minutes; and that's with no traffic. But despite that, Reese and her little brother loved this place. It was nostalgic it was joyful, all the other kids and young parents who knew of the companies history but still had fond memories of their childhood wanted their children to experience it too.

- Here is were Reese met her first ever friend, Conner. Conner McAdder.  Mr. McAdder was Reese's father's co worker; a security guard. One of the only two that inhabited the whole place. He and Andrews have known each other since the renovated Pizzeria and the Toy animatronics were made. They worked alongside each other then and they were happy to see familiar faces now.

- when their children all got along pretty well, McAdder opened up the idea of leaving the youngest with his oldest when Reese and Mr. Andrews weren't home. McAdder had three kids, Conner was his middle child and his eldest had a little babysitting gig he operated after school hours. Andrews was reluctant but passive to the idea. Albeit he was a tad worried at times that Reese promptly denied the offer to stay home and instead be with him. Despite her father's odd resilience against it, she didn't let that deter her from watching him take care of the animatronics and machines here, as well as have a good time after school with Conner everyday.

- Conner stayed with his father after school because he wanted to learn from him. Be a security guard himself one day. Reese decided to copy and sty to learn from her father. Maybe with her inherited talent and brains she'll.be able to make a stable living in the future too.

- but then, the chases happened. While being around her father and experiencing the pizziera he appeared. Who is he, well Reese never knew. But it was this weirdo that worked there, another security guard who took over McAdder's shifts when he didn't show and who also had the afternoon till night in tandem with Mr. McAdder. He would stalk and chase Reese and Conner every night. Scarring the two horribly. He had this horrible grin and this creepy call and bribes he tried to use to get them to come out, but they didn't trust him. He was weird. The kids could tell that he wanted to hurt them.

- he'd chase them all the way to pirates cove every night but once the kids got to the safe haven that was the back of the sidestage, the creepy man would stop and turn back. Because they had protection on the form of Rockstar Foxy.

-Rockstar Foxy and the other Rockstar Animatronics were made down to the code by Henry and Andrews, Henry had one feature added the same criminal database function the toy animatronics had. But Andrews added another that would completely change the way the Fazbear Animatronics would be made forever.

- A full database of files made for every single worker, customer, and animatronic in the facility filled with governmental levels of details. As well as multiple studies of body language, emotions, and feelings. Andrews added this so that Henery little criminal database would be not only successful but also make the harmless Rockstar Animatronics the perfect ultra security. The Animatronics would be able to spot not only a predator and possible threat but the also spot the mannerisms of someone who is lying, who is in distress, wjo is telling the truth. Understand the emotions of a child from a grown ups perspective. Being able to protect and care for the children whenever parents turned a blind eye for even a second.

- this made Reese and Conner very comfortable with the Rockstar Animatronics. Not with any of the others they had stored in the back limply laying there collecting dust. The rockstar would play with the children and then, they would make them feel seen and safe. Especially Foxy. He was again as always shoved to the side stage as the other three had the main, but when they weren't doing their huge performance for the afternoon and the night; the new pirates cover would always be sadly empty.

- When Rockstar Foxy got the chance to protect Reese and Conner the first time, scarring off the perpetrator in the shadows the robot expected the children to leave him be. But instead they stayed until their fathers found them to take them home. They stayed and played, sang songs, and danced together. Reese made another friend and for some reason even though she knew it was programed this way and the love and care wasn't real, it felt real to her.

- It wasn't long, only a few months in till her and her father stopped showing up to work. Same with Conner and his father and the rest of the employees. Reese asked her father what happened but he didn't give an answer she was hoping for. She asked if the animatronics that were there that she liked, if the Rockstars would be okay? He told her he didn't know. But also told her to believe what she wanted.

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- Soon the house they lived in that was once broken down and ruined was now referbushed and fresh. Thanks to her father's job there and for doing the one thing Andrews thought he'd never do. He sold the parts and blueprints of his gift to his kids away to Henery for a little extra cash. Fully aware that his gift and all it's schematics and blueprints, only built up to an endo skeleton would be burnt to a crisp like his former boss.

- As the years passed the Andrews were shocked and surprised to still see the Fazbear Animatronics be used but now themed and customized for certain events and things. Whoever was capitalizing on this wasn't subtle about them wanting money for something bigger. When Reese turned 9 Reese, her little brother; now 6 years old, and her father were stunned and amazed to see and to hear about the Freddy Fazbear's Mega Pizza Plex.

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- she was enamoured at the idea, at first.  She kinda wanted to work there in the future, just to get some extra cash, even though her family was still loaded thanks to her father making a sacrifice she didn't ask for, it would be some good life experience. Then she started to hear rumors about kids going missing. A new killer on the loose. But those were just rumors, right? Plus they all said they were happening nearby the Plex not exactly at the place. Was she really.gomna believe that? Nah it's just speculation.

- at 11 Reese started to make some pretty odd choices. The mind of a preteen and all making stupid choices for stupid reasons.

- one of those reasons wasn't that stupid. Sure her family was loaded, but they weren't "rich" just high class. Not enough to pay for her little brothers hospital bills when he was attacked one night by a random figure. Reese shoo'ed the attacker away and her father called the cops but her little brother, now 8 was injured. Not severely but lingers of the attack would stay with him. It wouldn't have happened if Reese wasn't so emotional.

- in the midst of her making this money, selling contraband to other teens and young adults illegally she got into a confrontation once that was really bad, almost dying in the process the adult only took her finger instead. Her right pinky. That's when her father found out, she couldn't hide a lost finger forever and all the money she made from the effort, were still used for her brother but since she made so much she used it for herself as well. Getting an almost unrecognizable prosthetic pinky as a result.

- She found out last year about the deal her father made to Henry, selling the gift he promised her all those years ago for profit. Andrews found out she knew about that same day of confrontation too and all drama exploded when Reese in a fit of anger and wanting to be alone left her brother out on the front lawn by himself to play with some friends in the dark while her father worked his at home desk job; Back at accounting, too busy to watch him himself.

- Since they didn't have enough money to pay for his bills off rip, they had to do it in chunks. Reese was looking for any opportunity to make more money to help out, and sadly ran into some thugs at her school who would gladly use her and pay her for her effort.

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- She was grounded this entire year. Unable to hang out with Conner who she's gotten even closer with, or do anything of the sort other than go to school and come right back home.

- Nothing really big happened when she was twelve,

- Is what she would tell people she didn't know well

- When her father was gone to his jobs company building for meetings or to discuss things with his accounting job and her little brother was over McAdders to play with friends from school and Conner little sister as that was the only place he was allowed to go to from now on, Reese would be left home alone from time to time.

- While being alone she always felt like something or someone was watching her.

- Watching her deeply. Closely. She didn't like this and one day she decided to trick this unknown pair of eyes just to see if she was loosing her mind or if she was really be watched from the shadow outside her home. Unexpected she caught this stalker starring at her through her bedroom window once and watched as this freak disappeared into the bushes snd then gone from sight. She told this information to her father but he didn't believe her, thinking she was just making things up to try and leave the house again.

- She swore up and down but he just wouldn't believe her.

- Her little brother did though when she gave the description to her dad, he told Reese that the man that attacked him looked like her stalker, and that when he was attacking her he heard the man demanding he tells where Reese was. That left her and her family now with a mystery on thier hands.

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- Now free from the punishment. Reese was looking for work to keep herself busy, Conner had recently gotten a job which lrft her more alone again than before. And yes althought their family was still high class economically, she wanted to help keep them floating above the surface of water.

- looking for anything tame, she found an ad on the internet once for the Pizza Plex. A simple "we're hiring" internet ad. She clicked it expecting it to be hidden malware or something but it took her to the Internet page of the mall. She looked through the options to choose from. To waitress, to cleaning staff, to day guards, to ticket vendors, there were so many options. Until she came across one that caught her eye.

- To become a daycare assistant.

[throwingupmyemotions]

guilt lolll

i only cringe when i try to sound serious so i have this urge to write lol after everything but i also don't want to do that at all. but so basically ughh i don't even feel like using periods anymore

so im not going to

from now on im not using punctuation

ill just make a new paragraph for every thought

no ok this is getting annoying too

ok ill stop but pls know that im so unserious rn and every period i write is written with the highest level of whimsy possible. LOLOLOL ive never said whimsy before idek if i used it right but i couldn't think of the word that i was thinking of. omg this is so fun im actually writing everything that im thinking of!! i tried doing this in my old diary but i couldn't write fast enough to keep up, luckily im a much faster typer ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

OMG lemme start talking about the whole reason i started this. so basically this is just an intro for something else but i think about it a lot

so like i recently had a sort of awakening? kind of? like it was rlly just me growing up and realizing that the world doesn't actually revolve around me. but like in the best way possible bc i thought everyone's lives around me were perfect and i was the only imperfect one but now i realize everyone has their own problems which ik sounds like smth i should've realized as a kid but idk ig im just rlly dumb and self involved.

so anyway, i have always felt guilt pretty heavily like as a kid i would end up confessing to my parents anytime i did anything wrong because the guilt would literally eat me alive. ooh i have a rlly funny story

i was in like 6th grade and it was that time where i started getting all horny and curious. but the thing is i was suuuper sheltered like i don't even think i knew what sex was until like highschool and so i didn't know what was going on yk. all i knew is that looking at boobs made me feel some type of way( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) HAHAHA

OK SO I WOULD LOOK UP CLEAVAGE PRANKS ON YT LIKE EVERY DAY BECAUSE BOOBS IS A BAD WORD AND I CANT JUST TYPE BOOBS

its crazy bc i felt guilty but i didnt even know why?? like im a girl so ofc im curious about what my boobs will look like one day right??? no yeah that excuse stopped working after a yr when i realized i was feeling stuff yk so i completely stopped watching them

it had been about a month since i stopped and i thought the guilt would go away but it literally got worse. so i was lying in bed, and at this point i couldn't even sleep it was so bad, my stomach was hurting and i couldn't stop crying so eventually i went and woke my parents up at 3 am and i was crying so hard that i was like gasping for air so they were both terrified

i sat them down and it took me like 10 minutes to finally speak

and i told them "ive been watching bad videos"

and they started laughing

i cant make this up

it was so embarrassing

so anyway now that you get an idea of what my guilt was like then, its definitely a lot better now but it transformed into me feeling guilty about things that i cant just fix with a confession which makes it harder

ik life is unfair and thats just how it is and we're supposed to just accept it but its soooo hard like sooo hard for me to accept

and im so fucking lucky like im rlly starting to realize how lucky i am now but omg im so grateful for everything that i have but like i don't deserve this at all yk? like i didn't do anything to deserve this life and it makes me feel so shitty like im not a good enough person to get all of this and i feel guilty so i feel like helping ppl is the only way to get rid of the guilt but that's so selfish so then i feel like an even worse person and i feel more guilty and its this crazy cycle that i just made up but idk. im obviously self aware enough to realize that me feeling like i don't deserve the life i have is a me problem. and ik ive been obsessed with the idea of being a good person like my whole life but my awareness of the obsession only makes me feel terrible. like how can i even be a good person anymore if anytime i do anything good i think its fake? and another recent worry that i have is that i have a savior complex which definitely is what this paragraph sounds like. like i feel like since i got so lucky its my "duty" to help other ppl bc it could easily be me in that situation yk.

i obviously have a weird relationship with guilt and my own self image so i wrote this story a long time ago. like a rlly rlly long time ago. this is one of the first things ive ever written for pleasure bc i used to hate writing. so like its obviously not good but it makes me feel things so i wanna put it in here

standing on the damp stone floor barefoot, you look up to see yourself in some kind of cave with an eerie glow illuminating what would be complete darkness.  you feel empty- or maybe blank would be a better word, nothing is in your mind, no memories or significant thoughts. but more than that, no emotions- even the realization that you are naked doesn’t bring panic.  trying to think what your shivering wet body is doing here, bare and alone in a dark cave, you almost don’t notice when you see a figure approaching you. the unusual lack of anxiety as you’re waiting allows you to notice it’s odd movement almost like the unknown being is floating. now it is close enough that you make eye contact, and everything comes back.

all of your memories and emotions overwhelmingly flood your brain pushing you to a crouched position on the floor.  as you cradle your head in pain, you squint up at the once unknown figure now in front of you. though you’ve never met before, you somehow instinctively know exactly who it is and what their presence means for you.  the inevitability of the situation leaves you feeling less scared than you should be and more tired from the waiting.  in fact you were exhausted, waiting practically your whole life for this, your fear easily overshadowed by your impatience.  defeatedly standing up, you take a step forward, giving your soul to the devil.

he looks at you with what impossibly seems like sympathy.  gesturing for you to present your forehead, you  squeeze your eyes shut and raise your head.  while you feel numb to most of your emotions, you can’t help but feel the shiver of terror that goes through you as you wait with your forehead bared.  after what feels like hours you finally feel a soft touch to your forehead, almost like—

your eyes snap open to find him lifting up from the kiss.  a kiss. on your forehead. he kissed your forehead. wondering if this was a trick to make the resulting torture worse, you look up at his face only to see it engulfed by sadness, tears threatening to fall out of the devil’s eyes.  you don’t understand, this isn’t what you deserve.  finally feeling an emotion, you are panicking.  you had been waiting to be punished, getting what you deserve is what should be happening it’s what needs to happen. ‘it can’t end like this it can’t end like this it can’t end like this it can’t end like this’, repeating in your head.  you hysterically look up to see tears silently flowing out of the monster and belatedly realize you’re sobbing too, echoes of your panicked wailing filling the cave.  desperately trying to spark a reaction, you push the devil hoping he will retaliate but he only stands there, continuing to silently cry for you. 

*LOL GET IT my guilt was my punishment but fun fact: my parents actually did this like they almost never punished me for anything bc my guilt was enough