#but i think some of the hate it gets is unfair
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This is something I felt for a long time and now that Helluva Boss thinks the exact same way I do, I need to get it off of my chest. I hate this narrative that some parts of the fandom tries to push that Striker is this hero of the working class and oppressed. Striker hates his lot in life because he thinks he is superior to other imps, not because he thinks Hell’s caste system is unfair. We have a hero of the working class and the oppressed, his name is Blitzø Buckzo. He brings up how unfair the treatment of imps is. He saved Loona and gave her a home. He made his own business and helped his friends succeed along with him. Give Blitzø the respect that he deserves.
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There is something that rubs me the wrong way about those sorts of posts where a trans guy shares a misdirected hateful message he received telling him something along the lines of, "You'll never be a real woman!!! You'll always be a man and you can't change that!! Even if you get a surgery it will be a gaping wound and everyone will know you're a fake!!" or whatever that was clearly sent because the bigot in question though he was transfeminine, with the OP captioning the screenshot something like "I saved this message because it is so unintentionally gender affirming haha."
On the one hand, I can sympathize. I get it, it's probably nice to have someone aggressively gender you as male, it probably is really quite affirming. I recall once getting immense gender euphoria at a customer service job I had once when a customer angrily cursed me out while continuously gendering me as female and it was pleasant to know that even someone who hated me saw me as a woman in that moment, and I imagine this is a somewhat similar feeling, though obviously different in structure. And I'm not denying that i see the humorous aspect there too, it's fun to feel smarter than people sometimes when they make ironic mistakes. On the other hand... You are just sort of broadcasting transmisogynistic hate speech as a funny joke and reminding any transfeminine people reading the post that we are the primary target of most transphobia.
You may find it unfair that I specify a transmasculine poster here, but I only say this because I have never once seen the reverse occur. I've never seen a trans woman share a humorous anecdote about having been sent hate speech that assumed she was trans man. It is always the other way around, because always the assumption will be that transsexuality means perverted men dressing in women's clothing and infiltrating woman only spaces to commit acts of sexual violence. As per usual, the hypervisibility that transfeminine people "enjoy" is a panopticon.
It's just like when people post screenshots of conservative transphobes on twitter saying things like, "Trans men are men, period. Are you #triggered?" because yes, on a surface level this is funny, but you do understand that what they're actually saying is "trans women are men" right? They aren't using the correct terminology because they don't care about that; they just want us to commit suicide. All you're doing is broadcasting hate speech and making fun of them for being inarticulate about it.
And ultimately some guys on the internet lacking tact and making me feel uncomfortable isn't the end of the world, I'm not saying that anyone who has done this should be "cancelled" or whatever, but I would like if people would think before they post things like this.
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Hi! if possible I would really like to hear your opinion and headcanons on Mr. No Hands from "Hero 108" (he is not a very well-known character but I really like him) here are mine personally: he is rarely present on general missions, probably staying at the base or going on solo missions, and if it weren't for the curse he would remain a very strong warrior (when the curse temporarily wore off he calmly smashed those Terra Cotta Warriors)
Hmmm sure, I think I have a couple headcanons to share ;D
Like you said, it's obvious that prior to being cursed Mr. No was very strong, if after being temporarily released from the curse he managed to fight pretty easily (tho tbh I think most of it was just excited adrenaline xD). And that's after years of his arms being confined! I mean, if one's hands have been restricted in movements for a long time - it would result in loss of muscle tone and coordination, especially without regular excercise. Though I guess, considering that his hands move without conscious input from him, even when confined, they get some form of excercise.
On a subject of physique - I do believe that Mr. No has changed a lot since the curse took effect. Before, he probably had a lot more muscle mass in his upper body, but after he couldn't really do anything - not excercise or train. And he probably lost weight since he couldn't use hands to train and eat, and it took at least some time to get used to doing things like eating without them. Not only did his posture got worse, due to constant need of keeping his hands restrained, but also due to the fact that he often had to curl up to do things with his feet. It also would explain how very sharply defined his face features are - those cheekbones could cut stone and that chin could stab someone, lol.
Since his hands are constantly restrained and covered, a bad habit emerged from the curse - his fingers are constantly moving and fidgeting.
His legs became incredibly agile and muscular. I like to think that to compensate for his handicap, he started to train vigiriousl with his lower body. Doing things like adding weights (think Rock Lee from Naruto) and adding steel plates for his footwear, for more damage dealing.
If you haven't realized yet, i kinda hate the idea of his hands being restricted by stockade/stocks (?) - it just seems really inhumane. So I changed it up to magical shackles/chains.
On another note - his ability to fly. I like to headcanon that this particular ability is actually granted to him by his outfit! If you noticed, in the same Teraccota episode - whilst in his black clothes, Mr. No did not even hover once! So I like to think the whole outfit - from robe to headband - are a device (be it magical or mechanicaly (??) created lol) that helps his mobility to compensate for handicap.
With how Mr. No talked about how he was cursed when he was at a prime of his warriorhood, and how unfair it was, it makes me think that the curse was not specifically designed for him. But rather he had stumbled onto the cruse on accident. Though I can totally see it happening because of his youthful rush and boilsterous personality (actually I kinda see him being a little like Mighty Ray when he was younger.)
Mr. No is probably the oldest member of First Squad, but not as too old, though his gaut/aged appearance contributes to people thinking he is older. (ironically I think Woo the Wise is very envious of that lol). His drill sergent like personality makes me think he was in the army of some sort, and rising through ranks! He seems comfortable in leading position, despite his handicaps, and that sort of confidence comes from someone who knows the job. It also would explain why we see him as Captain of the Football (?) Team in flashbacks. It kind of makes sense if a forcefully retired warrior migrates to a similar structured field of occupation/interest, where he can lead and couch.
I think his leading qualities are one of the main reasons Apetrully invited him to BG and set him to lead First Squad, and not just his battle skills. And in my opinion, Mr. No jumped into it with incredible eagerness! After all his cursed state made him lose his status as warrior, and here was a person who didn't see him for his handicap, but rather all the other skills he still possesed.
And because he finally stopped feeling inadequate, he stepped down from First Squad leading position gracefully, so he could fill the needed space in an much more expanded Big Green! I can totally see him being a Leader to remporary teams that form for other missions from various animals and people, whenever First/Second Squads are out. Or just permanently becoming a right-hand man/general to Apetrully.
and thats about it i guess ;)
#que?#hero 108#hero: 108#Mr. No Hands#i might have repeated myself a couple of times i apologize just in case#it was really hard to write because my cat kept trying to lie on my keyboard lol#and i might have forgotten to write some hc cause i kept having ideas and forgetting to write them down anywhere xD
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An analysis on c!Owen and his behaviour throughout the Outsiders SMP series!
Some disclaimers before I go into this. There will be spoilers up ahead! I would like to warn anyone reading that this post will mention some blacklisted members from the smp because their characters play a role in showing us about cOwen.
For convenience, all the members mentioned are the characters, not the actual ccs themself. Some of this might seem all over the place, but when the characters learn random parts of themselves at different points it's bound to happen.
Owen has changed a lot as the series has progressed and many find his personality to have changed entirely towards the end, however, this isn’t really the case. When we go over his character, we can see his core values have stuck with him throughout the series, so in this post, I will go over how exactly he has changed over time and his character in general.
To make it easier, I’m gonna split it into 3 parts. Early maze days, the introduction of clearing 2, and post memories.
During the early maze days Owen establishes his character very early on. Right from the beginning, Owen arrives with the demon Rasbi. They are notably one of the three pairs that come up, with most coming up the elevator alone. The first time we see him, Owen immediately takes up a role as a protector, asking if Rasbi knows how to fight in case there is danger up ahead.
In this first section, we can also see that he acts a lot more childish and naive. He’s very emotional and easily upset by his past. He can be seen jumping on rocks with Mohwee and the others and crying on his first night over his loss of memories. The overwhelmingness of the clearing gets to him. This isn’t to say he is some weak, stupid or soft character though.
Owen may be naive in believing things should be played in certain ways according to his rules but there are many instances where we can see he’s not stupid. First episode he can immediately recognise what knife Oeca is holding “Hey that’s a throwing knife right? No that’s a dagger”
After getting more settled in the maze he asks about the maze’s agriculture, he mentions everyone is unarmed despite fearing the dangers in the maze. He starts asking about protection, armour, shields and notably, “So this place is safe on the inside? It's safe to walk at night?” He’s already worried for everyone’s safety here, he knows the maze is dangerous so is there anywhere that’s safe?
Very early on his past also becomes a very important aspect of his personality. He is probably one of the first to remember anything significant about his past. By episode 2 he is getting flashbacks about how to make a bow. But he makes a javelin first, noting “I think I was a hunter. No, I was an archer. I was a hunter. I was a soldier? I was good at this.” He then proceeds to aim the javelin at Oeca’s name, because at this point he can’t fully trust Ocea. He is very quick to violence, although he doesn't want Oeca dead, he certainly can’t trust in him.
Another important note is that Mohwee is one of the people in the clearing he respected and saw as someone with the ability to act. Which is why we get this interaction where Mohwee calls out “Owen.” and Owen replies with “yes sir”. His past even without his memories is important and ingrained enough he still acts like this, and this only continues as we go through this section.
The first time they go in the maze as a group is when Apo arrives. This is a very important moment for Owen because their first trip in the maze solidifies his personality throughout this section and maybe even the series. Oeca is shot because Mohwee was careless and brought anyone in. When the group comes back, Owen asks Graecie, “How many entrances are there to this maze?” After finding out this is the only one that opens, he refuses to let anyone get hurt again and starts blocking it off.
Trust and promises are very important to Owen here too because it's one of the key reasons he blocks off the entrance. It’s not just Oeca getting hurt, it’s the fact he promised Graecie he wouldn't go in. “I broke my promise.” He also takes Apo’s word very seriously in the mine when he tells Owen he didn’t pull the lever. Also because of this he only trusts himself to go in the maze.
When the entrance is blocked off Owen is quick to violence and threatens people if they try to get past him. After finding the old battle axe he starts using it to threaten and intimidate people. “Anyone who goes past this (the gate) i will attack”
“Anyone else that will, I will just cut down” are some of the things he says. He punches Mohwee for trying to get past him. When Oeca comes back after Mohwee’s disappearance, Owen follows him with that battle axe trying to talk.
Owen then goes on to say “I’m not looking for violence” and “I'm not collecting weapons this was instinctual (points at bow)” he doesn't want people to think he’s dangerous and he knows people are scared of him.
Even if he seems aggressive he still wants to protect others. Owen goes back in the maze to look for Mohwee after he randomly disappears on their way back. “My job is to protect people and I will do that to the best of my abilities. At every possible stage”
When Mohwee disappears Owen takes a massive risk to stay in the maze overnight to see if the gates would open. “The only thing I remember about my life Graecie, is that I was raised to protect people. That's all I remember. And I know it was dumb and stupid to go in the maze but if it got us a step closer to finding Mohwee. I was willing to make that risk”
So we’ve established that Owen cares about the people in the clearing even if he doesn't trust all of them, he wants to protect them and he will do it no matter what. It's the purpose he has given himself in order to be useful.
He knows it doesn’t work how he wants it to. People are scared and wary of Owen’s protection. There are multiple instances where he tells his voices, “They don’t get it,” because he knows people don’t trust his methods. His method of control is disliked by a lot of people.
Ori is one of the main characters to go against Owen. Owen hates this because not only does it risk the safety of others but it goes against his main purpose he gave himself. He takes this job very seriously. So when Ori goes in the maze it’s no wonder Owen becomes very violent.
“Ori I'm seriously sorry I will break your legs and I'm very close to it. Are you gonna make me. “
He doesn’t see himself to be super aggressive though “People think I'm being really aggressive when I talk like ‘oh hey if you come near me I'm gonna break your legs’ but I'm saying it in the most friendly way I can, you understand that right? I'm not trying to be aggressive with that”
“I'm saying like if you do step in here I will have to break your legs. In like a very gentle and I'm very sorry I hate to inconvenience you but I do have to break your legs.”
When Ori sneaks into the maze, Owen talks a lot about his purpose. Things like “Don't, I'll fail them. They'll kill me. My entire purpose here is to stay by this door and stop you from coming in.”
Owen hates to know he is failing the purpose he has given to himself “When I discovered I was a soldier that's what I set myself to (protecting others) but what do I have to show for myself? I have tried my hardest to protect these people. And get they look at me and tell me I'm a tyrant” “you're not in control, who are you to say what happens?”
He would do anything, even if it meant sacrificing himself. As shown before when Mohwee disappears but also as he protects the gate after the second lever gets pulled he says “I'm going to protect them if I die in the process so be it”
Another note before this section ends is that it’s not just Ori who opposes Owen. Sillvia also talks about Owen’s method of leadership.
Sillvia about Owen: Owen I think you would be great. If not for the fact that you have a militaristic mindset. I don't want to see your leadership spiral into a place where Apo wants. Owen I fear you and I want you to know that. I actually fear you and I don't say that about many people. And ruling should not be through fear. You are a terrifying individual and to see you be in a position of power would be a slope we cannot afford or gamble slipping down. We've seen you tussle with Ori. I know you're a strong individual. You could lead us quite well but it's the risk that comes with your leadership that I am not willing to risk.
The perception Owen has of himself differs from how he comes off. It becomes more of an issue later but we can already see this happen.
So as clearing 2 is introduced this is what we know about Owen. He was a soldier once, he wanted to protect people in the clearing even if it meant sacrificing himself. He’s nice to others but his methods are still aggressive and violent, ready to hold a weapon to someone if needed and Owen cares a lot about trust.
With the introduction of clearing 2 we can see how Owen changes and develops. He’s very cautious of clearing 2 members because for all he knows they could have led the creature that destroyed half their clearing in on purpose.
Owen also faces betrayal from Apo. We know trust is something Owen values a lot. It’s mentioned in the early days, and it’s a major part of why he feels so strongly about Apo lying. During the scene where Owen faces Apo after finding he pulled the lever that killed the second clearing, his main issue with Apo isn’t the fact that he killed people. It was the fact he lied to him.
“You lied to me. Why did you do it? No no no I don't care about the lever. Apo why did you lie to me? You're my friend I trusted you. I stayed there. I held your back when oeca said it was you. I put my name on the line. Because we stood together in the mine and I asked you to swear to my face that you didn't do it. And you lied to me. Im meant to be your friend and you lied.”
You can also see what Owen values in a person when they discuss Apo’s punishment and Owen says there's 3 main things he did
- went into maze without group consent
- pulled the lever
- he lied
Owen only adds on at the end that he left Squidney.
With all of this too we see Owen for the first time back away from the job he gave himself. He backs away from leadership, we start to see how tired Owen is from the stress of it all. His reasoning has to do with his trust being broken.
“What's the point they're all liars. This entire place is filled with filthy liars. Every single person. All I've ever done is tried to protect them”
“Forget it. I'm done. I'm don't helping people. No I'm not villain, I'm not a hero I'm nothing.
From now on there is no leader of the maze. They put me in charge. My word means nothing to them I'm done.”
“How am I meant to protect them when I try and stop them with physical force im made out to be some kind of monster. When I try to reason with them I'm made out to be soft.”
Owen being viewed as soft has always been something he’s aware of. People tend to think because he’s kind that they can do whatever they want (sneak into the maze etc) and this perception Owen is a soft person develops. Even if he’s emotional and kind we’ve seen before in early maze days he is not soft.
Owen tries to ignore all his problems but with it he grows more aggressive than before. His tone changes when he speaks about other people to his voices.
“To visit him would be to acknowledge he exists. And right now the last thing I want to do is consider the fact that this thing lives and breathes and eats and sleeps under my feet. The sooner he wastes away and fades into nothingness the better. I don't see a life going forward with him in it” - Owen about Apo
“The more I look around these stupid 4 walls the more I'm reminded that he that. That I trusted him.”
"he's everywhere. It's like a disease. Like it festers. The outside looks fine and you look just below the surface and it's rotting vile and it's him”
Apo: Just give me a chance.
Owen: why should I? So you can have another tick to the long list of times Owen has naively believed there is some good in the people that infests this clearing? Oeca, mohwee, Bekyamon, Magic, Graecie, Ori, you, liars. All of you.
I’m not just putting quotes here just for you to see oh trust is important! But more so for you to see that Owen changes when his trust has been broken or when he sees someone as a threat. Some of these things sound very similar to what Owen would say when he gets his memories back. Because to Owen trust and protection are 2 very important values. When that is broken he can’t be certain someone isn’t a threat.
With this change Owen does become more aware he isn’t the most approachable person due to his methods. I do want to bring up this quote first though
"Can I kill someone? Ive been thinking about this recently I say I'm a soldier. But I've never actually killed anyone. All my life in these 4 walls I've spoken about security and fighting and I can't remember a time I've actually taken someone's life. What if I have to. What if it comes to that I don't think I could stomach it either. I doesn't feel like me. It's not me it's not who I am. No I can't. I'll only attack this person if they do something first. And even then I'll just aim to incapacitate" - Owen about Ash
This is an interesting quote from Owen knowing his later actions but it’s not that out of character. If we look at every flashback he’s had so far we can see the life of a soldier is not one he’s always wanted.
Owen to his dad: What if I'm not ready to be your protector? No It's what you've always wanted! What if I wanted to do something else? What if I don't want to be a soldier what about me when do I get to look out for myself.
However he is always ready to attack if he needs to, if it comes to it he would do anything to protect someone. I think that means to kill even if Owen doesn’t think so at this point.
His notebook btw
Another note about his behavior is that because of how others view him he almost dies from the creature’s venom. Ayngel even said before Owen is more angry. Other people even though it sounds jokingly say Owen gets grumpy when people disrupt him, leading to no one but Soup to check up on him when he gets stung.
When Bek comes back he doesn’t hesitate to do the things he did before. He does what he thinks is right and protects Magic by aiming a javelin at Bek. He says he’s not violent but anytime he feels like he’s in danger he pulls out a weapon. He did it when he was in Soup’s basement, he does it anytime he hears about someone potetially harming Rasbi, and he did it when he heard Oeca attacked Graecie.
Owen in general is a fighter at heart. Even if he says he doesn’t want to kill anyone he is still ready to attack.
Owen: this isn't you Ori. You fight. That's what you do.
Ori: what are you talking about?
Owen: you fight people. When you don't get your way you fight. You and I are the same
At the end of this section, the group decides not to go back in the maze. They had lost Squidney, Oeca, Mohwee, with the presumption that Red, Apo and Graecie were either dead or dying. Owen is tired of it all “Every Time I've tried to protect someone they've ended dead Kyle” he tries to hope but he is so tired. This tiredness also explains some things that happen when he gets his memory back.
So to summarise before looking at Owen when he gets his memories back, this is what we know about Owen. He wants to protect his friends, he believes in trust a lot, he is both seen as more aggressive and angry these days and soft at the same time, he wants to be a good leader but other people don’t listen. Not much has changed since the early maze days, but it’s a more solid character now.
When the reunion comes around Owen in the story has finally had a moment to think about everything that happened between him and Apo. His main regret in the series was how he treated him even if he broke his trust.
Owen loves to contradict himself a lot but it’s a very human trait he has. He has complex feelings about Apo, and Beks and a lot of people. Yet he’ll still offer his protection to them. It’s because of this the ‘sudden’ shift in personality he has becomes very shocking to the audience.
Since right before he sees Apo, Owen is very emotional here. Very similar to how he was in the early maze days. It’s out of his character to hope for something like seeing Apo because he knows it’s very unlikely he’ll see him again. However he gives himself this hope, one more chance.
When Owen regains his memories the tone shift is obvious. He acts less emotional, he seems more mature. But we do need to consider this is someone who just had a lifetime of memories shoved back in his head and his core values are so strong that Owen doesn’t hesitate to act the way he used to.
There’s lots of similarities to Owen here to the one we’ve known. Like his purpose. He sets one for himself immediately after arriving in the clearing. Even as he talks to Apo about his past he talks about his purpose
“I had a purpose once. I was useful, vital, adored. And suddenly everything changed. The world grew tired of blood shed. When all you're good for is violence, when you've been breed into a killing machine, a nation of peace will toss you aside like a spent torch”
There’s an obvious difference here right? The man we’ve watched in the maze who wanted to protect his friends just killed his best friend. This is definitely a different person right? Yes and no. Owen hasn’t changed that much, and I'll explain why after we go through some more things. But it’s important to note that this isn’t a completely new person, this isn’t something that is unexpected when we go through the information we already have about Owen.
“I know what you are, you are everything wrong in the world has to offer. You are the amalgamation of all the gluttony and lust of humans with the evil and cunning of demons. You stand as a testament to everything vile. You are a disease on the face of this earth and I am it's curse”
Apo: this isn't you you've changed
Owen: incorrect, this is me. The man you manipulated and lied was nothing more than a puppet driven by the instinct to survive.
Owen wants protection for his friends. He goes to extreme lengths to keep people safe, so when he remembers demons as this evil creature that will hurt people for their own gain he wasn’t going to stand around and do nothing right?
Surprising or not this is very in character for Owen if we look at everything else we have from the series. To him, he is still doing his job, the one he’s done since day 1 in the clearing. Just now the threat isn’t just the maze and the occasional person, it’s demons.
The way Owen became a demon hunter is essential too. He used to live in comfort, and based on past flashbacks he was training to be a soldier even if he didn’t fully enjoy it. His mother was a poet and his father was a general. He had grown up hearing all about how terrible demons are, and he didn’t understand until his village had been burned down.
One negative interaction with demons had put this deep hatred in his heart for them. Before his memories returned he was ready to forgive Apo, he knew he wasn’t as dangerous as he made him out to be. But when the sudden influx of memory comes, he has this past knowledge that Apo is a threat.
Since Apo had hurt Owen before this only adds to it. Remember Owen really values trust. Apo has broken that trust in the past, so everything combined and letting go of the final restriction it’s no wonder he kills Apo.
Despite this ‘massive personality change’ Owen has, when he returns to the clearing he still makes sure Magic is safe. He doesn't tell people about the lava rising so he wouldn’t cause panic. He still cares about these people.
But Owen starts to view all the demons as a threat, every demon in the clearing has done something to suggest they could be dangerous. The reason Owen kills Guts is because they poisoned the food at the feast, which led to Magic being poisoned. He carries out this duty for protection
I think another thing people tend to forget about Owen is that he's been slowly breaking apart trying to fit what others want from him as seen in the last section. And it took a major toll on him. His outburst at Magic is one of the ways shown to us how much stress he’s been under. Perhaps even guilt he’s been feeling.
Magic: if you don't you're just putting everyone danger by not leading us… in there…
Owen: danger? You want to talk about putting others in danger? All of this coming from who exactly? The woman who's clearing burnt down under her leadership? The woman who lied about that previous position of leadership as she lacked the spine to correct her friend when she lied? The woman who was tied up and left for dead by that same friend? The woman who swore to protect a stranger only to them shot down in front of her? What the woman who stood still as her friend was ripped apart beside her? Oh yeah the magnitude of your failures Magic is deafening. Do you hear it? When you fall asleep at night, do you hear the screams of the dead who's blood stain your hands? How do you cope? When you find out be a good friend and let me know would you? Been looking for a way to shut them up.
Owen does try to justify his actions to his voices even if they don’t listen. He knows people here aren’t good. He’s known this since clearing 2 was introduced, but with his memories back he feels like he has to carry on this duty by killing the threat. That’s the only way to keep people in the clearing safe right?
Owen to voices: have you stopped to think why I'm doing this? You seem so attached to these creatures, why? What good have they done? These people aren't good people. None of us good people. We're all in here for a reason. Just because you haven't taken your rose tinted glasses off to see that doesn't mean the rest of us haven't.
Like before he won’t let anything stop him, even if it means hurting a few people. He doesn't hesitate to pull out a weapon when he hears Ayngel might know him. He can’t risk anything ruining his plans because he can’t afford to. He’s so tired. I think at this point anyone that was a major threat to him he would kill.
Ayngel: I feel like I recognise you. You and your face from somewhere
Owen: oh? (Starts to pull out knife from his bag)
Ayngel: I've been having this thought and it's got me thinking (Owen pulls out a knife in case)
Ayngel: actually, honestly forget it. It's all a dream and I'm overthinking
The only exception to his thinking is Rasbi. Rasbi actually hasn’t done anything wrong to him personally. She’s one of the few people that didn’t break his trust but he still kills her. Why?
First off he doesn’t see her as the friend he wanted to protect but instead as something he protected only to kill in the end to fulfil his duty. Her sister is the reason why he ended up in the maze, so even without Rasbi directly harming Owen in any way it’s enough for Owen to kill her. I’m sure any small mistake or detail would have led Owen to killing any demon, because it only proves his thinking.
Owen barely survives after Rasbi attacks him. So as Owen starts planning how to kill Krow he starts going a bit insane. His room is a mess, his mind is a mess and he can barely stand it anymore. We really start to see him fall apart here
Owen: this yolk is a burden is a burden I can't carry for much longer. I'm tired. I want to rest. But I took a pact, I made a promise. A glorious death is his for who his country falls and either I or they thing will have to die before I stop.
Something that’s brought up when discussing the idea of ‘Maze Owen’ is the fact that we can see ‘glimpses’ of him in different interactions. For example when Owen and Krow go out into the maze and Owen spots Puddy he makes sure Puddy doesn’t die by keeping him away. Even if he’s aggressive in the scene the fandom interpretation is the care he has for Puddy as ‘Maze Owen’ slipped through. But It’s not out of character for him to still show care for people after his memories are returned based on everything we’ve seen.
Before ‘killing’ off Krow, Owen does say this “There's no escaping who you are” Which is really interesting since most characters he’s interacted with will tell him in the maze you can escape who you used to be. Owen knows for a fact no matter what he does in life now he will never have anything outside the maze. Because the world doesn’t need him anymore. He kills the demons as his final act of service to the world because he has nothing else to offer.
When Krow finally comes back and Owen gets hit in the head he says to the rest of the group “I was protecting you all.” and “You don't know what they're like! You haven't seen the outside world.”
Looking at his final moments we see that everyone that Owen has cared about doesn’t trust him anymore. They don’t believe his protection was needed. He’s told that he will not get out of this cell. He’s left alone in the silence of the cell. Finally with the time to think. He starts experiencing multiple flashbacks and it makes it hard for him to think.
We’ve seen in the past how Owen deals with multiple flashbacks. It gives him a headache or causes him pain in some cases. He also becomes really emotional afterwards. This follows the same case. Except he starts to realize some things.
Krow: I know those eyes. That glint of desperation for approval but knowing it's never coming. We're more similar than you let yourself believe you and I
(Flash back ‘i was an archer.?’ ‘i was a hunter?’ I was a soldier)
“I was a tool. Used.”
He knows he’s going to die soon and he starts to panic. The most important line he says is
“So what now? This is it!? I deserve to die in battle. I killed them. It was what I. Its just what I was meant to do. I was trained. Should i have? I should have. I should have. I can't think inside my head, it's split in two”
“So what voices? What was I before then huh? Was that me? Is that who people trust? People trust that one. Old Owen. Yes? It wasn't me. That wasn't me” flashback about Apo first coming up
“I can't think. I can't. They trusted him. They trusted him but not me? My head…”
After this he pleads with Magic to let him out. Owen claims “I hurt them, I hurt my friends. Rasbi, Guts. And Apo, Krow I don't know why I did those things” He pleads and cries. And he's desperate
Owen: “No magic it's me please.”
Magic: “You kill people owen”
Owen: “It wasn't me I'm sorry. I just wanted to keep people safe.”
Owen: “Magic please don't go… no… magic. You can't do this.”
Magic: “I can and I am”
I think when we look at these final clips there’s a very important thing happening. Owen is separating himself from the past. He can’t understand why his friends don’t trust him. Even though nothing has changed. To him his eyes have been opened to the dangers of demons and he fulfilled his purpose.
Why does this separation even happen? This is where we move to the final part of this long analysis and look at theories. There’s no way I can say for sure this is right or this is wrong. I can only tell you what I think based on the material already there.
So before I go into this I have to emphasize I am not saying you can't refer to earlier Owen as maze Owen to explain Owen at different periods of his life. I'm saying when we really look at it, maze Owen doesn't exist since they're the same person.
So what am I talking about? The concept of ‘maze’ Owen has been around for a long time. Even ccOwen talks about his character like that. The idea that just because Owen didn’t have his memories that he was some sweet, soft guy that needs to be babied is something that affects a lot on how you view him as a character.
'maze' Owen doesn't actually exist because it's a way that Owen has come up with to justify to himself how he could have cared for demons without shattering his ideals. This is confused with Owen have distinct personalities and missing how he hasn't strayed from his ideals since the start with his idea of protecting everyone.
To separate that period of Owen's life in the maze ignores the fact that the characteristics you see in Owen post reunion are the same from before but taken to the extreme.
He's always been capable of ‘evil’'. It's the same as every other character in the series. We don't separate them like we do with Owen. Every character in the series is inherently morally gray, they do things out of desperation to survive. You can never say someone is 100% good or bad.
Owen’s same mindset of 'I need to protect the people I care about because they're in danger now' carries through. After the reunion in his head demons are no longer part of that group he wants to protect.
The separation of 'maze' and post reunion Owen forgets even in the post memory phase he had the ability to love like 'maze' Owen had. He released Puddy, he started a small farm, he started to relax. It's all part of him.
In his final moments he says a few important things to note. The first being "I was a tool. I was trained. Should I have... I should have." And then right after "I can't think in my head it's split in two"
It seems some take this as 'maze' Owen coming back and fighting with Owen on should he have killed Apo and the others. However rather than 'maze' Owen coming back i think it's this internal conflict he has with himself and his ideals.
Before he says this he's getting flashbacks to the early maze days where he showed kindness to demons. Something he would never let himself do in the past outside the maze. And something he would never do after he remembers it all.
Then he says to the voices "Is that who people trust? Old Owen" while those memories are playing. The voices respond saying they miss that Owen and he replies "Yes? That wasn't me" this is possibly where it further adds to the whole 'maze' Owen is a different person thing.
Rather than facing the fact that his thinking doesn’t make sense anymore he separates himself from those memories. As soon as Owen accepts that demons are not these creatures that betray and kill you at any moment, his life has no purpose.
Owen’s thinking comes from the manipulation and propaganda he's been fed. In his final episode we get these quotes which show just how much his thinking revolves around protection and also showing what years of training did to him.
He understands he was a tool that was used. He's well aware everything he is doing may not have a purpose and yet he still plays this part. He can't break away from that thinking because if he lets himself, Owen has to face the fact that his whole life had no true meaning.
That is a terrifying thing to do. He has been in this environment for so long you can’t just take him out of it.
Going over everything you can access in Owen’s pov, we know that before gaining his memories Owen is a person that cares deeply about his friends, he risks himself to protect them, he won’t hesitate to hold a weapon against someone he sees as a threat. Owen thinks trust is an important value to have, he takes it very seriously. But we also know that not everyone likes Owen and his leadership. He’s seen with a military mindset, people don’t want to upset him and it nearly costs his life.
Now let’s compare that with the Owen we get to know after his memories return. He wants to protect the people he deeply cares about, he risks himself to protect them, he doesn’t hesitate to hold a weapon against someone that he sees as a threat, only now the threat is demons. When we start looking at these differences, yes, Owen when he regains his memories is different, his tone changes, he murders people. But those core values we’ve seen throughout the series stay with him.
It’s one of the reasons why Owen can’t understand why no one in the clearing is on his side. He protected them against the threat they didn't know about. That is his purpose, and that’s what he’s good for. Remember right at the beginning of the series Owen sets his purpose to protect these people, now this is still the same. He views demons as a threat because he hasn’t had good experiences with them. Even if Apo became his friend in the clearing, Apo ends up lying to Owen, and betraying his trust. Guts became his friend but Guts tried to poison Magic. Owen has never fully trusted Krow and that distrust only furthers once he knows what Krow is capable of based on his experiences with demons.
So let’s go back to the previous question: who was it there? You’re probably thinking well how do you explain maze Owen and the chips. ccOwen has mentioned before that it's a possibility for the chips to alter memories. Maybe Starr suppressed those memories and maze Owen was there again. Or he was hit hard on the head right? Maybe his chip was damaged and it altered his emotions and memory.
There is too little known information to us as an audience about the chips in their head. We know they can supposedly make the outsiders lose track of time, alter their memories, their emotions and change how they act. But if the chips in their head is the explanation for everything then why does Owen remember killing his friends when he talks to Magic? He says it like he wasn't the one doing it, like he watched someone else do it. How do you explain his behaviour then? If the damaged chip really made him act like that then why do flashbacks still occur when he's in prison? He seems to have no control over those, so the chip must still work fine?
I think when we look at his character the maze has already changed him whether he likes it or not. There’s more doubt in him than before. He lets Apo go with extra time. He hesitated before he ran after him. No matter how small, he has changed.
But when Owen talks about himself in the past he makes this separation. The voices in his head won't stop calling for the guy they used to know, even though he's right here. I think Owen doesn't even want to acknowledge at one point he was friends with the demons he hated so much.
In that prison cell all his ideals and values are facing him. Everything he's done and he's known has been a lie. I think he knows this but can't bring himself to acknowledge that. Would you admit what you thought for your entire life was wrong? That you killed countless for nothing?
When faced with death Owen becomes desperate. Which I think explains his behaviour with Magic. That is his last hope and he knows people like the older version of him. I don't think he's fully lying though when he says i don't know why I did those things. Not because maze Owen came back or anything but because in the maze he no longer has this duty but he still carries it out. He's so tired from it all and he wants to leave it behind but he can't.
So let's go over his death scene one more time. “My head it's split in two” I think the explanation for this is that he was just hit with a bunch of flashbacks of his first days. Right before this he also says ‘I was a tool. Used’ I believe in his final moments where he has a moment to think he starts to fight himself. Should he have done all this for a country that throws him away the second he's useless? He was trained to do this. But should he have really? That's what I think is making him say my head it's split in two. He's fighting his own views and alongside these positive memories it makes him confused. And overwhelmed.
It's important to note Owen doesn't have a single bad flashback about Apo and Rasbi. He doesn't think about the levers, he thinks about his friends that he met. That he protected.
The more flashbacks he gets the more defensive he becomes. “I'm right here you can't convince me otherwise” He doesn't understand why the Owen in his memories is trusted so much, even though they're the same person. In his mind he's doing what he's always done. protect.
“It wasn't me I'm sorry I just wanted to keep people safe” everything he says to Magic is half genuine and half lie. I don't think even Owen knows which parts are which. It's easier if he separates himself into the nice trusted Owen and who he is now.
No matter what in the end, that was Owen. Not Maze Owen but Owen who is desperate to live. He's tired of it all. He's finished his mission and he won't even get to see what he thinks will be an honorable ending for him.
Remember what Owen says to Apo? "The man you manipulated and lied was nothing more than a puppet driven by the instinct to survive."
So of course he'll do anything to survive even if it means playing up the truth.
It's hard to separate Owen into these neat boxes and say for sure that was Maze Owen at the end or that was full manipulation. Because like Owen everything is a bit grey here. Maze Owen wasn't the best person, he hurt his friends, people were scared of him. And post memories Owen isn't some misunderstood guy that needs babying either.
My final thoughts on this debate is that in the end the one that pleads for his life is just Owen. To separate him and say it was Maze Owen doesn't allow you to understand how complex Owen is as a character. And continues to let you believe that Owen can't do anything wrong. Not understanding sometimes a good person is capable of this evil. To the end Owen still believed he was doing what was right and that was protecting the ones he cared about. So has anything really changed since the start?
#zara rambles#outsiders smp#outsiders smp spoilers#owengejuicetv#okay if you read this whole thing just know this was about 6k words sjdfhsd#i spent a looooong time writing this mainly cause i started in july got busy with school and continued it last week. along with rewatching#owens pov to get everything here. the original document with all my notes is like 12k long because cOwen looooves to talk#i'm open to other people's opinions obviously like i said i could be wrong but this is just how i see it based on the episodes we have on y#it's kinda unfair to expect people to know random knowledge buried deep in some 4 hour vod from 2 years ago so everything here is from yt#with the exception that one fighting cOri quote since Owen deleted that section from his yt series. but it was originally there#idk what else to say really. i'm not the biggest fan of the whole 'maze' owen thing as you can tell by this and many other posts of mine#i think its fine to call him that but you gotta understand there aren't actually 2 different people. thats the tldr#anyway ty for reading wish me luck when i post this on twitter#oh sorry for no videos tumblr hates those so you guys only got the quotes 😔 still the same stuff though so it doesn't really matter sjdjdj
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i think theres a conversation to be had about how taash's story explores gender roles and transness in ways that could be seen as reductive but if your take away is "they could've given us a butch lesbian and instead we get THIS" about a canon nonbinary character i simply don't want to hear anything else you have to say about it
#can nb's have anything lmao....................#the problem isn't that taash is nb instead of a butch lesbian#and if you think it is please stay away from me#datv#anyway i think their story could have been handled better with regard to gender but i think some people are being unfair about it too tbqh#yes equating Non Femininity to automatically be nb is a little silly#many women hate wearing dresses and presenting feminine and that doesn't take away their womanhood at all nor does it make them nb#bc gender roles are nonsense#but hear me out .#sometimes when youre nb that IS the first hint you get that something is not aligning somewhere#and thats also valid !!!! just saying!!!!!!!!!#there are many different experiences out there and they don't necessarily negate anyone elses#also futher more yes you can love to wear dresses and be feminine and still nb#like i agreee that they presented it in a quick and surface level way and that comes with its own problems too#but again. AGAIN. this is ONE CHARACTER'S experience. let them have it. and let those of us who relate to them have it too.
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sometimes i get nishiki i really do
#snap chats#like from an outsider perspective it is utterly hilarious watching everything go wrong for him#BUT GIRL NOT ME STOP HAVING THIGNS GO WRONG FOR MEEEEEE WHAT IS ALL THIS#this month its actually one thing after another if i start wearing white everyone needs to be concerned#you guys remember my bullshit roommates yeah well TLDR im getting fined for their messes im going to SCREAM#I HATE IT HEERRRREEE I KNOW IM EVIL BUT CMON#literally had such a silly night last night and now everything sucks again is this life is this what life is#its not its not what life is im just hearing my mom bitching in the other room and im letting her vibes ruin mine#everything going to be ok this is just a hiccup .... a small pinprick in the tapestry of life ....#i am incredibly annoyed though cause this is one of those situations where youve done nothing wrong but youre being shot for it#its just unfair but whatever we ball ..... im putting the hair gel away guys im not slicking my hair back just yet ....#i got a new friend last night so maybe ill just hang with them later and ill remember life is beautiful ..#heh ... jk ... i can remind myself life is beautiful right now ... im gonna go eat some tiramisu ...#jesus christ i really do love italian food what the fuck. pasta / calamari / tiramisu#i dont think calamari is italian but i got it from an italian place w/e we get the picture#its not my fault that italy has good food ... i would just never go there .....#ok bye ima go eat and drink water now. water will remind me how beautiful life is ...
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REBLOGGING THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS INTERSTHING TO NOT TO-
Also, I just listened to "Good Things Go", and... CAN I SAY HOW BRILLIANT IT IS?????????
NO, BEING FOR REAL. I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT EXPECT IT TO GO HARD-
(I might misinterpret wrongly about what the song means, but I can fairly say this is HOW I INTERPRET "GOOD THINGS GO". And you are allowed to agree, or disagree of my interpretation of it) :
From what I analyze from the song, the first verse and second verse feels like it was meant to throw off (purposely) the audience about "HOW WE PERCIEVE THE PERSON" in the song.
The lyrics in First and Second verse seems to be leading to the "Person" in the song, was wronged and is hard for them, the "person", to let go of the person that was mistreated them in the past.
And I get so tired of putting out fires and making up lies Checking my eyes for some kinda light
Seems like it supposed to suggest, the person tried to salvage and save the broken relationship (what you see is the relationship, regardless is romantic or platonic, I think bout are just as valid.)
Checking my eyes for some kinda lightBut nothing's inside and it Feels like it's rained in my head for a hundred days
Supposed to suggest, the person is losing and stripping themselves because of the relationship, because of their person.
I've asked for forgiveness a hundred times(I've asked for forgiveness a hundred times)Believed it myself when I halfway apologized (Believed it myself when I halfway apologized)
Feels like the person is getting gaslighted from the person, thinking they should apologize for the ruining the relationship.
It's not unfair I'm asking for prayers but nobody caresGoing nowhere like falling downstairs while everyone stares No one's there when I've asked for forgiveness a hundred times
Suggesting the person was questioning the relationship, trying to look for answers from people, but everyone seems to not care or notice. Letting the person getting more hurt and alone.
Now so far, this seems like a really great message and conversation about "Destructive Relationships". The person, who the song is about is going trough a horrible situation, because of their person in the relationship.
Right?
THEN THE SONG STARTS TO FLIP OVER ITSELF IN "ACT 3" AND REVEALS WHAT'S RELLY GOING ON :
No, I'm just taking a shot, ahMaybe I'm just too eager, oh Maybe I lost the plot, ha I used to pity some peopleI said they were missing a spine, yeahMaybe the problem is ego Maybe the, maybe the problem is mine, really, I'm fine
Don't get too intimate, don't get too curiousThis is just feeling like it's not that seriousStare at the ceiling, feeling deliriousFuck all your empathy I want your fury 'cause I will justTell you I'm better than, better thanSpit out my medicine, medicine, ay Drunk on adrenaline-drenaline And I don't know why I
Say I hate you when I don'tPush you when you get too closeIt's hard to laugh when I'm the jokeBut I can't do this on myOnly you can save me from my lack of self-controlAnd I won't make excuses for the pain I caused us bothSo thank you for always standing by me even though Sometimes bad things take the place where good things go
From First to Second verse, I thought is was clear to me the person is in a horrible relationship and questioning themselves about it.
As much this still holds truth, "ACT 3" adds a-WHOLE-noter LEVEL and switch to became my interpretation of the song; "One's struggles Mental Health" :
I think is brilliant Linkin Park did this (from what I analyzed-) because from the first to second verse, you empathize the person in the song, villainize the other one. But then it reveals what's actually happening,
Third verse suggested that their mental health has been gotten worst as days goes on, losing themselves in the process. And then unfortunately, effected the relationship between them and theirs. It then because destructive along the way.
They hated how this came to be that they feel like their mental health problems is a burden to others. It cause them to push people away, refusing people's help and connection from them.
They think their too much of a "joke" to be helped, as they descended into impulsive behaviors and neglect their medicine.
What's more interesting, when you got the whole context what's going on, you finally see a different perspective in First nd Second verse now:
And I get so tired of putting out fires and making up lies Checking my eyes for some kinda light
Tired of lying to their love one(s) about what their going through, since they don't what to burden them and make the relationship worst.
Checking my eyes for some kinda lightBut nothing's inside and it Feels like it's rained in my head for a hundred days
Every much still implying they are losing and stripping themselves away, but now it's not because of the relationship, but the fear they might hurt them because of their mental health. So they isolate themselves from them.
I've asked for forgiveness a hundred times(I've asked for forgiveness a hundred times)Believed it myself when I halfway apologized (Believed it myself when I halfway apologized)
CONSTANTLY APOLOGIZED to them for their mental wellbeing, to the point, they don't believe apologizing is ever enough.
It's not unfair I'm asking for prayers but nobody caresGoing nowhere like falling downstairs while everyone stares No one's there when I've asked for forgiveness a hundred times
This might be a "STRETCH", but I feel this part of the lyrics implying 'Stigma about their Mental Health"
They prayed so hard to get better, despite believing they won't. The "Everyone Stares" feels like strangers judging them without a second thought what they're going through. Still believe they should forgive to people, even though believe apologizing it's not enough...
Another thing I really like about ALL of this is that, between them and them, nobody is portray as a villain.
It was cleared you are rooting for the person in the song. And then after the reveal, you are STILL rooting for them, just for a different reason now. Their mention of their Mental Health was not portray as "horrible" or "evil", but a struggle they going through, and probably for a long time.
It's so easy to portray them as a "villain" after the perceptive switch and stigmatize the mention of the mental health issues. But they still portray as a person, just so happened to be struggling with something, like millions other people.
The person in the other hand, switch my perceptive of them on the last verse:
Only you can save me from my lack of self-control And I won't make excuses for the pain I caused us both So thank you for always standing by me even though Sometimes bad things take the place where good things go
They now accept they do need them to help them be better. No more lying, no more pushing a way. They slowly open themselves to them, even thanking them for understand and standing by them through their mental health journey.
I am probably prove what I'm getting at with my point across, but I have to share this because it POP INTO MY MIND, LIKE LIGHTING THAT WON'T LEAVE ME- I LOVE EVEYTHING "GOOD THINGS GO" REPRESENTS! (At least through my interpretation of the song-)
some days we are treating our inner child. other days we are trying to revive our dead dreams. we just don't want to be lost stars. we deserve more than that.
#✨DayDreaming Reblogs✨#from zero#linkin park#Remember I said “Somehow this speaks to me”??#THIS SPEAKS TO ME! ✨✨✨ (too-)#(THIS TOOK LONGER THAN I EXPECTED-)#💜💛 Made By MimpiNightmare 💛💜
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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So... on the subject of relative age in Delicious in Dungeon and Mithrun and fandom "jokes" I've seen folks complaining about. General manga and anime spoilers for character ages and names in the manga and anime below the read more:
On the one hand, I do get that people are (or at least were, I see it less these days) mad at the "Mithrun grandpa/old man" jokes/comments because "it's just cause he's disabled" and "relatively speaking, he's the same age as Chilchuck, and no one treats Chilchuck like he's an old man/something about how Chilchuck dislikes being treated differently, mentally, for his presumed age/state of mind".
Okay, yes. Relatively speaking, sure. There's a conversation to be had about the intersection of ableism and ageism and how we often baby (in a patronizing way) disabled people and the elderly, and how we prioritize youth and treat middle-aged people like their lives are over. (And maybe something about how he has silver hair, I don't know). On a more positive note, I love that, relatively speaking, possibly by Elvish standards, Mithrun is at/near middle-age (elvish age of maturity is 80 years, their average lifespan is 400 years), because that's a fascinating bit of world-building.
...On the other hand (please rest your pitchforks momentarily), Mithrun is literally 185 years old, he is the fifth oldest cast member for characters whose age we know as of the English release of the Delicious in Dungeon World Guide: The Adventurer's Bible (after the Elf Queen, who's 372, the elder Flokes, who are in their 200s, and Milsiril, who's four years older than Mithrun), and he is the oldest member of his group of the Canaries (he's literally 103 years older than his subordinate, Pattadol, and still 39 years older than Cithis, the next oldest Canary after Mithrun). And speaking of Chilchuck, who is, yes, a married father of multiple adult children... and also 29. Mithrun has lived over six times as long as Chilchuck has. (All ages come from Delicious in Dungeon World Guide: The Adventurer's Bible; Sissel + the other Golden Country residents don't have listed ages there, though they're at least 1000 years old, and the other elves don't show up). Mithrun was in recovery after the central watchtower dungeon for longer than at least five characters have been alive.
Age chart:
Elf Queen: 372
Tansu Floke: 210
Yarn Floke: 204
Milsiril: 189
Mithrun: 185
Cithis: 149
Otta: 137
Fleki: 130
Lycion: 126
Senshi: 112
Noor: 98
Totan: 95
Pattadol: 82
Gillin: 79
Brigan: 78
Holm: 76
Fionil: 62
Namari: 61
Daya, Invar: 58
Marcille: 50
Maizuru: 41
Chilchuk: 29
Laios, Toshiro, Hien: 26
Rin: 24
Falin, Benichidori: 23
Kabru, Mikbell: 22
Zon: 21
Kaka, Kiki: 20
Kuro, Doni: 18
Izutsumi, Inutade: 17
Leed: 14
Mithrun is older than Senshi, older than Marcille, older than Kabru's entire party, including Holm and Daya, and older than the oldest human we have an established age for, Maizuru (again, the first Adventurer's Bible doesn't list the Golden Country resident ages, and Mithrun is definitely younger than them, but also they're generally minor characters except for Yaad and Delgal). He's older than Senshi's former dwarf comrades were when they died. He's also apparently older than Flamela, the vice commander of the Canaries (she's 170, at least according to the fanwiki, which is possibly going off the Complete Adventurer's Bible).
He is of course younger than Obrin, his older brother, whose age we don't know, but we do know that Mithrun is the younger brother. He is also obviously much younger than the demon.
I also find it interesting that people are jumping to the big assumption that he's middle-aged (relatively) due to... I guess just chopping the average lifespan of elves in half and assuming that's what they think middle-aged is? We know the average lifespan of elves and when they come to maturity. We do not know what elves think of Mithrun's age or what their concept of being middle-aged is, if they have one. He could be considered young by elf standards. He could be considered old. We have no idea.
Thinking about the conversation in Volume 8, Chapter 51: Dumplings 2, it's just about total/average lifespan and how near the characters are to dying by average race age, not middle age.
Chilchuck on p.37: "What's the difference between our actual ages and how old we look?"
Laios: "Well, dwarfs do live two and a half times as long as tall-men."
Chilchuck: "If our actual ages affect our looks, then... ...I'm curious about remaining life. Will we age at the same rate we did before? Or will it match our bodies now?"
They never get an answer for this. We do get rough estimates for what one race's age means to another by comparing Laios' actual age (26) to what Senshi thinks dwarf!Laios is, age-wise (his 60s), and both ages put him near but not at assumed middle-age for the respective race (for tall-men it would be 30, for dwarfs, 100), but otherwise they don't come to many conclusions about anything. They just guess and try to change back before something worse happens. Marcille doesn't even say anything in this conversation about elf culture. She just panics because half-foots live shorter lives.
I would not personally call Mithrun a grandpa and I don't particularly connect with jokes about it. By Elvish standards, and relatively speaking, he is perhaps not, arguably, old. ...But he's no spring chicken, either, despite how strong and fast he is. By the standards of most characters he is interacting with in the story, he is the oldest person in the room, by a substantial margin (heck, the age gap between Mithrun and Cithis is more years than Chilchuck has lived). That doesn't make him a grandpa, either. But I do find people getting mad about folks pointing out this literally 185-year-old being is you know... 185 years old... odd...? Especially when he's around all these by and large substantially younger people (younger people who are adults by and large!!!) for most of the story. Again, there's definitely a conversation to be had about the intersection of ageism and ableism, and how we treat people who are middle-aged as if they're elderly even when they're able-bodied, and about the way other characters in-universe treat him (though the one time I think his age is pointed out, it's about the stuff he knows, not to mock him for it; mostly people treat him badly due to his disabilities (e.g., Fleki with his aiming in chapter 55, Cithis in the Adventurer's Bible), not because of his age)... but it does feel very much like people are ignoring that he is honestly one of the oldest characters in the story, and not by dint of being the oldest youth, but because he's a character who has lived to be nearly 200 years old.
#mithrun#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#I think there's also a conversation to be had about how Flamela talks down to him#I'm not saying grandpa joke away but people ignoring that he's literally 185 years old is kind of weird to me#he's actually not exactly middle-aged#he's slightly younger than that#he is by some definitions young#but remind me when we decided people nearly 200 years old weren't by some definitions old#I think there's interesting things to explore in a character who's lived to be that old#interacting with more races who don't get to live that long but who have different experiences#than pretending he's got roughly the same amount of lived experience as someone who's lived 6x less than he has#like he was in recovery nearly as long as Kabru is alive and none of his caretakers knew to try a foot massage?#not a single one of them?#no wonder it was only Milsiril showing up that led to him having a breakthrough#kui's manga is among other things about how different races experience things differently#and take away different lessons and understandings#and have different values#and navigating those differences can be hard but is worthwhile#like with senshi and the dwarves or idk every single mixed race party#what I find fascinating about the changeling age scene is how Chilchuck DOESN'T say everyone is the same with relative age#he notes the different ways races experience aging#races in dunmeshi have different biology#and this is a core part of Marcille's character arc#she is literally terrified of her loves ones dying and hates the unfairness of different race aging processes#one thing that's important to kabru's arc and the story in general is how knowledge can be lost and hidden#especially by older races who hoard it#and how this can be abused so easily whether it's the elves or the demon#and we learn a little over midway through the story that dungeon lords can be cured or rescued because Mithrun was one and he got away
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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mu qing you deserve so much better
#i get that he likes his work but the way the 4 people who've known him from way back see him in a bad light is so funny but sad#xie lian tries giving him the benefit of the doubt while having trauma flashbacks fr#feng xin thinks he tried to murder him??????#hua cheng's just bitter and petty by nature he's fine im not concerned about his opinions#xie lian and mu qing reconciliation should be a default#everyone should not hate mu qing that doesn't make sense#'he's mean' alright so is everyone else from the region get over it#im going to start accusing mu qing haters of classism#he's got a giant sword and burnt his feet in lava can we talk about some other things instead like what about the pride#it's such a funny combination to have a guy who doesn't hate himself think he's treated unfair and then stammer over a friendship request#guy who is no longer a servant showing up to his former employer's mission in disguise like 'yeah i'll help you don't credit me tho'#he hates people bringing up the broom thing but helps xie lian anyway it's so funny he really does know he deserves the status#and doesn't think it's super special or anything but like it's his right#good for him fr#mu qing is so cool everyone should talk about him more
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...
#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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They're so twins-coded
#don't mind me y'all my childhood love for Hinata just came rushing back STRONG and I love connecting my favorite female characters#the gag is they actually have a lot of similarities when you think about it...#love my low self-esteem girls who feel like outcasts in their own families because they don't fulfill a role correctly 🫶🏾#(including a difficult relationship with a sister fostered by unfair comparisons)#Hinata standing up to Pain to protect Naruto...Arya standing up to Joffrey to protect Micah...it's all connected 😁#hell you could even compare hinata/naruto to arya/jon because they're all outcasts with mutual respect + support for the other#also funny that Hinata gets hate for being too /feminine/ and weak-willed while Arya gets hate for being too /masculine/ and strong-willed#cause female characters truly can't win and will get misogynistic hate that people love to justify regardless of how they're written#my girlies are really tethered! we love iconic female characters who make insecure losers upset!#now that I'm thinking about it Arya with the Byakugan + her canon skillset would actually eat so bad omg#I just know they'd get along well and be besties 🤭 they'd train together + help encourage each other...bring real sisterhood back!#born to be twins forced to exist in separate fictional universes 😔#Hinata being a side character will always gag me because her development is better than some of the characters with double her screentime#no wonder she became one of the most iconic/popular characters of the series...see what happens when you're that girl? 🤭
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one of these days i'm going to lose whatever sainity i have left and watch chucky... 😔 i used to wanna watch sole-y for tiffany/jennifer tilly- and now with the changmin influence i'm so curious 😔 like as if i don't have bad nightmares after watching most horror content- but like- god- i wanna write changmin as chucky and tiffany as the reader so bad it's not even funny- (ik he views good chucky as his son *which i have been happily able to see most of it until it got too scary* but bad chucky! changmin 🫠)
#worse it's like 4 movies in to like get to the bride of chucky and i'm just... i know i couldn't do it- esp bc of my fear of dolls from when#i was little- 'like man- the eyes follow you wherever you go...' chucky would not be good for me#but i'm over here 'i'd be his tiffany in a heartbeat' like i genuinely need to go lay in some grass and i've been thinking these thoughts#for months now... 😔 i wish i was kidding- i've been 'i'll be his tiffany' and i hate it bc of how scary i find this#my irl friends offered to watch chucky with me bc they know i wish to bc of my bias but they know how much of a coward i am#i'm constantly going back and forth between the idea- and for now i'll just happily dream of the idea of the fic for now#am i afraid of a 3 foot doll? yes- that's more than half my height dude- that thing kills for fun#but hwvr love their kid sm- i love the nonbinary rep okay vv good#i am just rambling- i know lots of lore i just can't for the life of me bare to watch the real thing#kate rambles#scream/horror comedy are the only types of horror i can take outside of horror punk music and i just.... yeah unfair really
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