#but i stopped drawing for like 3 months due to depression

[darling-to-death]

Sydney Comic Page 1/5

I really love the scene where you get to yell at him. :3c

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[owliellder]

The Finer Details

Post DI! Leon Kennedy x f! Painter Reader

MDNI 18+

(Session 1, Session 2, Session 3, Session 4, Session 5, The Reveal)

Description: Leon realizes that retirement is in his best interest now that he's getting older. All of his accomplishments as an agent mean he's truly earned a painting to commemorate..

Warnings: Not Proofread, Age gap! (reader is anywhere between mid-late 20's and Leon is 40), Porn w/ Plot, Use of she/her pronouns, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Alcoholism, mentions of trauma/PTSD/depression, P in V smut (wrap it NEOW), Leon cries during sex 💔

Tags: Older Leon Kennedy, Younger afab!Reader, Leon is SAD but he is your muse, Crying, mentions of Leon masturbating, starts off with Dom! Leon and Sub! Reader, falls into switch territory because that man needs some serious TLC, Praise kink, Hickeys, Handjob, Nipple play, Oral sex (m! and f! receiving), and a heavy dose of Aftercare

Final Word Count: 22.6k

Author's Note: Ta-da! I put a lot of work into this last chapter, like actually becoming the president for a couple hours, but I really wanted to make it worth everyone's time for sticking around and reading all the way through.

Thank you so much for following along! All the sweet comments from you guys never fails to make my day!

^//v//^

Cross posted on AO3

The Reveal

Almost three months.

It took almost three months for Leon's portrait to fully dry after it had been varnished. You'd checked it almost daily after the two month mark due to Leon's constant pestering. He was understandably antsy, and admittedly, you were too.

There was a lot of convincing involved, but you managed to keep the man at home while you transported the painting to the White House. He worried it would be damaged en-route. Such a little worry wart.

Setting up the painting's respective spot a column away from Chris and Claire's seemed very appropriate; tall, fake bushes sitting on either side of where it would be placed, a warm yellow bulb lighting up the inside of the decorative archway, and the patterned golden frame where the canvas would forever be now hung empty in that portrait hallway, waiting to be pieced together and completed.

The shiny gold placard had already been screwed onto the frame, words zapped on it via laser:

Leon S. Kennedy

USSTRATCOM Agent from 1998 - 2011

D.S.O. Agent from 2011 - 2017

You knew how long he'd been working as an agent, but it was still baffling nonetheless. Nearly 20 years of non-stop intense and usually very traumatizing work, what a feat.

Moving on, you'd worked out the plans for Leon's farewell party with the President and a few coordinators over the span of a few days, making sure to store the painting in a secure room for the time being. It was to stay covered with a violet piece of velvet cloth up until the reveal at the party, no one was allowed to see it besides you, the President, and the various security guards working the grounds.

After another two extra months of waiting, the farewell party was drawing near. There had to be enough time given for invitations to be sent out to people, wait for said people to RSVP, and allow travel time. And at this point, Leon was busting at the seams; extremely nervous, excited, and even a little scared at the prospect of it all.

Your words from that second painting session all those months ago never left his mind: "Seeing the portrait once it's finished is going to be an incredibly emotional ordeal. It's a reminder that this is truly the end of an era for you, Mr. Kennedy..."

The man clung to that, doing his best to internalize it and mentally prepare himself for what was to come. He was hoping you were exaggerating, but from what Chris, Claire, and even Jill have told him about their experience after the fact, he knew deep down that you'd seen it all too well before.

What Leon failed to realize was that he wasn't alone anymore. Sure he had his friends to help, but he'd never had someone to come home to everyday.

During the last few sessions, he had asked to stay with you at your apartment, citing the potential aftermath of the party as reasoning. However, you really didn't need him to explain his reasoning, you would've let him. Even if he just felt like it, you would've welcomed him with opened arms.

Besides, he'd already been staying at your place for longer periods of time over the months. You'd visited his house a few times, but he made sure to whine and complain about how bare and boring it was. If you remember correctly, Leon had said, word for word, that your apartment "felt like a warm hug". With that, he shelled up with you in only a couple weeks before the painting had dried. He made special effort to learn your routine, wanting to give you the space that you needed while also maximizing his time spent with you.

Leon was an actual angel, you were wholeheartedly convinced. Some days you would come home after working on another painting to the man cooking dinner, having bought an expensive wine to share with you. When your hands would start to ache and your back and shoulders were sore from the long hours spent holding a paintbrush in an awkward hunched position, he would set aside anything he had going on just to give you all the massages, kisses, and love that you could ever want.

Nothing was ignored when it came to you and your wants and needs. Leon admitted awhile back that he felt guilty for intruding on your space, though you were very quick to shut that down. He was far from a burden, actually lining up more with a dream come true.

And just like he did with you, you spared nothing while getting to know the in's and out's of the man that occupied your mind, heart, and home. You learned his favorite meals, watched his favorite shows and movies with him, returning the massages when he would return from the gym, and paid extra attention to how he liked to be held at night. Who would've guessed that the Leon Kennedy loved to be the little spoon?

What you spent the most time on was making sure to listen when he suddenly went on tangents about his past. They really did haunt him. You would wake up in the middle of the night to him huddled at the top of the bed, arms wrapped around his legs and head between his knees as he did his best to cry quietly. All you could do for him in those moments was pull him against your chest, gently rocking him back and forth while whispering sweet nothings, just until he felt either ready to talk or ready to fall back asleep. If he just wanted more comfort, then that's what he got, obviously.

He was only recently put on a couple medications to help him better manage his PTSD and anxiety since he really had to cut back on the alcohol in order to take them the way he needed. Definitely worth it to both you and him seeing as his nightmares lessened in intensity and frequency.

Now here you were, straightening out Leon's tie for him since his hands were failing him, nerves getting the better of him. He had taken his meds a few minutes ago, wanting to have the full effect during the party to combat any destructive behaviors during it, so it was no wonder his hands were still trembling.

"You're going to do so well, Leon." You smiled, giving him a gentle pat between his pecs after tucking his tie into his suit jacket. He was staring straight ahead, eyebrows furrowed with worry as he stared at himself in the mirror. "You've made so much progress and I couldn't be any prouder."

He licked his dry lips before slowly looking down at you, giving you the best smile he could, which was really just him pulling his lips back tight. If it weren't for you constantly being around to encourage him and push him to get better, he would not be able to attend his own farewell party.

How had he managed to get so far without this level of love and care? Where would he even be without you? Hopefully later when his mind isn't racing a million miles per minute, Leon will be able to tell you just how lucky he is to have you in his life.

Leon watched you in the mirror as you walked around to stand behind him, straightening out his suit jacket in random spots until deciding to just wrap your arms around his midriff, pressing the side of your face against his back with a content sigh. He brought his still-trembling hands up to hold onto your arms, rubbing his thumbs up and down across your soft skin.

His eyes settled back on his own face after staring at your arms linked around him, letting out a shaky sigh of his own as he attempted to just focus on this moment. You were perfect, ethereal, a true work of art. He wouldn't trade any of this for the world.

It took some time, about an hour, before Leon's medication was starting to kick in. You were definitely a big help, he couldn't give all the credit to his meds.

His relaxed demeanor wasn't easy to spot, the man was just naturally rigid, but you waited until he let you know that he was ready; ready to go to his farewell party, ready to see the portrait you painted for him, ready to put in the effort into accepting the next chapter in his life.

The drive to the White House was seamless, having been picked up in a blacked out SUV that held four personal guards, courtesy of the President. Leon wasn't going to complain, he actually kind of liked the pampering effect that came with being driven around by a dedicated entourage.

Almost all good feelings were drained from Leon when the car finally pulled up to the front of the White House where more guards stood waiting to escort the two of you inside. It was still early in the night, but the sun had set long ago, making for quite the beautiful atmosphere.

He could see numerous party attendees walking up the stairs, dressed up in their fanciest outfits for him. He held your hand the entire way up the stairs and into the entrance hall with a grip that was sure to leave your hand hurting. No matter, you could tell he needed you. That vice grip he had was well worth it for his comfort.

There were quite a few more people than either you or Leon expected. It seems as if all available agents, young, old, and retired, had been sent an invitation for tonight, along with quite a few high-ranking government workers. Luckily, this was a private event; no reporters, no news, only those who had been fortunate enough to be invited.

The first to spot you two was Chris who quickly made his way over to pull Leon into a bone-crushing hug, giving him a few solid pats on the back before letting go. Leon only reciprocated the hug with one hand, the other refusing to let go of yours, though his grip had loosened by now.

"Where's Claire?" Leon muttered, leaning to the side to scan over the sizeable crowd. "She's.." Chris turned around to also scan the crowd, squinting a bit as he looked. "She's somewhere. My wife is with her, her family, and Jill."

Leon pursed his lips with a curt nod, humming quietly in acknowledgement before standing straight again. He glanced down at where his hand held yours, squeezing it again for just a second as if to remind himself that you haven't gone anywhere.

Chris had turned back around to see the small gesture Leon gave to you, a coy smirk on his face. "What uhh... what's all this, huh?" He subtly pointed between you and the other man, voice lowered.

Leon cleared his throat and looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear despite the volume in the hall. "... M'gonna save that for the-.. the speech." Chris just nodded, crossing his arms before slowly turning to look through the crowd again. "Alright, well, let me go find the family and bring them over before you're swarmed." And with that, Chris made his way back into the crowd.

Unfortunately, Leon had been spotted by the rest of the partygoers before Chris could return with everyone. Many pleasantries were repeated while also returning small talk with the people he recognized, which was a lot. You managed to avoid most of it, only being questioned a few times due to the rather obvious hold the man had on you. Despite having attended the last few parties like this, most people unable to recognize you as the artist. A blessing and a curse.

The next couple hours were spent eating finger foods, conversing with whoever, and enjoying the way Leon started to flow with the event. He soon found his way to Chris, Claire, their partners and kids, and Jill which really helped him loosen up. He needed the more familiar faces, having now let go of your hand fully to talk more animatedly with them. You made sure to stick by his side as long as you could, letting out a soft laugh every time you noticed his quick glances over to you to check if you're still there.

The time eventually did come for you to part with Leon, signaling a couple guards to follow you down a few hallways until reaching the room where the portrait sat, still covered with the violet cloth. The decision to keep it back here for so long was made by the President, wanting less of a sudden reveal and more of a build up.

Normally it would already be hanging in the entrance hall, covered and ready to be revealed, but not wanting to risk any potential damage, you were asked to hold off bringing it in until the President was ready to give the speech leading up to Leon's.

It'd been set in the golden frame rather quickly with the help from one of the guards that walked down with you. You had the guard to hold it up for you so you could give it one final good look before he was instructed to lead you back. After recovering, you took the portrait in both hands, holding it close as you were escorted back through the halls and into the main entrance hall.

By now everyone had directed their focus closer to the center of the back wall. Next to where the President stood, your own art easel was now set up. That was mostly as homage to you and it wasn't like anyone besides you would understand that it's yours, though Leon did pick up on that little feature. He'd been staring at the back of that thing for months, counted the various old streaks of paint on the pale wood over and over.

It made his farewell all the more personal, struggling to mask the feeling of the ever-growing pit in his stomach from the friends he was still standing next to.

The sound of a mic being tapped drew everyone's attention in to the President, the volume in the hall quieting to a whisper, soon completely silent as he began to speak into the mic;

"Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to honor and pay tribute to a true hero, a dedicated public servant, and a loyal friend who has served our nation with unwavering dedication for the past 19 years. It is with great respect and admiration that I address you on this occasion, as we bid farewell to a remarkable agent who has exemplified the very best qualities of service and sacrifice." As the President spoke, Leon held his breath, hands gripping onto his suit jacket to keep from trembling again.

At this point, you'd silently walked along the side with the guards from before, bringing the covered portrait up to the front before carefully placing it on your easel. "Throughout this nation's history, these agents have played an essential role in ensuring the safety and security of our nation's people and have consistently placed their lives on the line to protect the sanctity of our democracy. And today, we acknowledge one agent who has done so with unparalleled devotion."

"This retiring agent has been a silent sentinel, ensuring the continuity of our democratic ideals. Through countless hours of training, vigilance, and selflessness, they have demonstrated a level of commitment that is nothing short of extraordinary. But beyond their exceptional professional duties, this agent has been a friend and a confidant to those of us privileged to work alongside them. They have been a source of strength, a steady hand in turbulent times, and a symbol of the unbreakable bond that can form within the ranks of those who dedicate their lives to service."

You positioned yourself opposite of the President, placing your hands behind your back to keep your posture tall as you now smiled at the crowd, subtly scanning for Leon. His eyes were already on you when you found him, and your smile only widened further.

It prompted his own nervous smile, toying with the buttons on his jacket while turning his attention back to the President, wanting to remain respectful to his, honestly, very flattering speech so far. You followed Leon's eyes, seemingly having the same idea to just watch and listen.

"The sacrifices made by our agents often go unnoticed by the public, and that is by design. Their commitment to duty is matched only by their humility. But today, we pause to recognize and celebrate this retiring agent's dedication, valor, and sacrifice." The President continued to address the attendees in the room, giving you a quick nod before returning his focus to everyone in the entrance hall.

The President outstretched his hand towards Leon standing in the crowd, now staring at him with a prideful yet relaxed look. "To Mr. Leon S. Kennedy, our retiring agent and loyal friend, thank you for your 19 years of dedicated service to our nation. May your retirement be filled with the peace and contentment that you so richly deserve. You leave behind a legacy of honor and courage that will never be forgotten." The crowd of attendees clapped and cheered briefly, causing Leon to reach his hand up to wipe across his face. A poor way to hide his red face. He's done that before, hasn't he?

Once the crowd quieted back down, the President finished his speech with a classic, "May God bless you, your family, and may God continue to bless the United States of America. Thank you" before the crowd picked back up cheering and clapping. You clapped along with them, laughing at Leon's flustered expression. He could barely hold back his smile, not really have expecting to be so well recognized for his service.

Leon's queue to make his way to the front was when the President walked over to stand next to you, making sure not to block the covered portrait from anyone's view. He'd recited this speech to you countless times, even more to himself when he was alone, but all those eyes staring at him were causing him to fumble. He messed around with the mic once he was standing in front of it, and that was your queue to walk over and stand next to him, placing a loving hand on his forearm.

That's all he needed, just a little extra encouragement from the person he relied on the most. His speech was short and straight to the point, never having been a man of professional word, yet he still managed to slip in some words of praise for you and all the help you provided him during his rough patch earlier in the year.

Neither you or Leon had outright said it to each other, let alone to anyone else, but hearing him announce to the entire hall of people that you were his girlfriend made your heart soar. Speaking about you calmed his nerves, and he wanted everyone to know just how lucky he felt, like he'd hoped for earlier.

He bent over slightly to whisper in your ear, covering the mic with his hand to make sure it didn't pick up his voice. "Now, why don't you go ahead and show us all that masterpiece you spent months working on?" Oh, now you were the flustered one, giggling nervously as you gave his arm a gentle squeeze before walking over to where the painting sat on the easel.

"Ladies and gentleman," Leon's eyes followed you as he straightened his posture out, speaking into the mic once more with a wide smile gracing his features, "I'm honored to have the wonderful artist herself present my very own portrait to you." As he spoke, you carefully lifted the cloth from where it was draped over the painting, finally revealing the ever-awaited portrait to everyone.

Just like with Chris and Claire's, Leon was sat in that soft maroon chair, slightly off center, but his position was different with his right ankle rested atop his left knee, elbows on the arms of the chair while his hands rested in his lap, fingers interlaced. His smile was soft and partially crooked while he looked forward with relaxed eyes, a few strands of hair painted to sit in front of his brow. And to tie it all together, it had a lovely green background, a dark forest green as the base while a sage green was used to add texture. The vintage look had always been your favorite, and Leon fit it so perfectly. He was nearly timeless.

Many "ooo's" and "ahh's" were heard amongst the clapping from the crowd, along with a handshake from the President. Before you could turn to face Leon, you felt his arms slowly slink around you from underneath your arms, the weight of his head now pressing down on your shoulder. You could feel his grin when he tilted his head to kiss your jawline, beginning to gently rock you side to side. Getting to show off your work was always so rewarding, but just knowing Leon was handling everything so well was a feeling you'll truly never forget.

He was happy. That's all you ever wanted for him. The man has truly earned his portrait in that agent hall of fame.

The portrait was soon brought down to the aforementioned hall to be hung up and displayed for good, a few small groups trailing down to get a better look at it. Chris was the noisiest about it, telling Leon it looked like it belonged above a grand fireplace, to which said man agreed with.

Chris, Claire, Jill, and their respective families stared at it for quite some time alongside Leon and you. They all chatted while Leon stared quietly, taking in every little fine detail you'd added. You changed his position some, and did he really smile at you like that? He really did look lovestruck. Of course only he could tell that. Hopefully.

He surprised himself with how okay he felt after seeing the painting. You warned him multiple times that it would most likely be overwhelming and emotional, and while it was, it wasn't in a bad way. The most compelling thought he had right now was to just sweep you off your feet and smother you with love.

Leon asked one of the guards to take a picture of him with everyone, including you, in front of his portrait. Then, just a picture of you and him standing in front of it, easily becoming the background on his phone.

The party went on for only an hour or so more before people started to trickle out. You and Leon were some of the first to leave, saying all your thanks and goodbye's with hugs and handshakes.

The moment the two of you walked into your apartment he practically pounced on you before the door had shut, large hands gripping tight on your hips as he sloppily made out with you. He just had to show his gratitude for all your hard work.

Your lips tasted so sweet and your soft little moans were driving him wild, he couldn't help the groan that rumbled from his chest. Full blown sex had been held off by you, not wanting to rush him into anything while you helped him manage his problems. Honestly, he was glad you'd held off on him, because now that he was feeling like his own person again, it made waiting all the more fulfilling.

Leon hoisted you up into his arms after you'd kicked your heels off, holding onto the back of your thighs as he carried you to the bedroom. You wrapped your arms around his neck, giggling against his lips as he carefully navigated around the short hallway and into the bedroom.

You looked so good splayed out on the bed for him, that beautiful dress you chose was insanely flattering on you. It had to go though, so after yanking off his jacket he made quick work of your dress, fumbling with the zipper for a moment before pulling it up and over your head. Your bra and panties didn't last either. He'd only gotten to see you naked a couple times before, but god, he'll never get tired of seeing you this way, acting all shy like you weren't his favorite view.

Leon was so eager to get his hands on you that he neglected to take off his suit, opting instead to hover over you and bury his face into your neck. He wasn't a good artist, but he loved to cover your neck in shades of red and purple like you were his own little painting, akin to leaving his signature all over you.

He only pulled away once you tugged on his hair, listening to your begs and pleas for him to get his clothes off. As much as he wanted to prolong this night and tease you, he couldn't hold himself back. He needed to feel your soft skin against his.

"So perfect." Leon mumbled against your skin, licking and kissing his way up your stomach and to your breasts after practically ripping off his clothes. His hands found their way back to your hips, pressing them firm against the bed to keep you from squirming away as he nipped at one of your nipples, pulling it into his mouth.

He moaned as he sucked and circled his tongue around your nipple, his eyes falling closed. The other couldn't stay neglected, so he brought one hand up to pinch and tug at your other nipple, sighing when he felt your body press against his as you arched at the sensation. He loved when your moans would pitch, so cute.

His cock was pressed against the inside of your thigh, rutting against it when you would tug at his hair. Once he decided your nipples had enough attention, he sat up and grabbed the backs of your knees to place around his waist. The new position offered Leon the perfect opportunity to drag his leaking cock through your folds, pressing it down with his thumb so the tip would nudge your clit with every slow thrust forward.

You were so wet, so delicate. He could've fucked you right then, slid right into that juicy little pussy, but he needed to take care of you first. He would never forgive himself if he hurt you.

Reluctantly, the man pulled his dick away from you, letting out a poorly concealed whine at the loss. He ran his hands up your thighs before moving one hand so he could circle your clit with his thumb, the other hand back on your hip to keep you steady.

"L-eon~!" You brokenly moaned out, pleading to him with your watery eyes. You needed more; his fingers, his cock, anything. He couldn't say no to that, stopping his assault on your clit to drag his middle and ring finger through your drenched folds to wet them properly. He brought your right leg to sit over his shoulder, hand gripping the top of your thigh as he leaned forward, studying your face closely as he gently teased the outside of your slit with his middle finger.

He moaned with you as he slid his finger in, keeping his eyes trained on you as he started to tentatively thrust his finger in and out. "Yeah?" Leon whispered, licking his lips as you barely managed to nod. "Yeeeaah, there's my girl..." The rumble in his voice was music to your ears.

His ring finger was soon slid in next to his middle finger, switching between scissoring you and making a partial 'come here' motion with them. After only a couple minutes you were leaking all over his hand and the bed, the wet sounds of your pussy mixed with your moans making his cock jerk and drip with precum. Leon clenched his teeth as he slowly pulled his fingers from you, immediately bringing them to his mouth to suck off your juices. He let out an audible sigh after swallowing, repositioning his dick to slide through your folds a couple more times before nudging your hole with the tip.

"Look at me, baby..." Leon's hushed demand brought you to open your eyes, if only half way. He made eye contact with you before leaning forward further to kiss you, all the while finally pushing into you. He soaked in your gasp, his eyebrows furrowing as you tensed up. "Relax.. let me in~..."

"It's only me.." He panted, tilting his head to kiss the corner of your mouth as your eyes shut again. "It's only me, baby..." he repeated this a few more times as he eased his cock inside of you, the stretch only stinging for a moment before it turned to pleasure. He filled you perfectly, you could feel every bit of him, especially with his right hand adding a bit of pressure to your stomach.

Leon sat still for a minute to give you time to adjust, taking the way you moved your hips as a sign to move. He pulled out, all the way to the tip, before slowly thrusting back in. He managed to choke out a quiet "Fuck-.." when you clenched around him. "Taking me so well.. such a big girl~.."

He always knew just how to talk to you, making sure to take his time buttering you up. You were putty in his hands, and between his words and the feeling of him reaching so deep inside of you, you could barely think.

It didn't take long for him to start to lose his composure, the sound of wet skin slapping together filling the room as his thrusts intensified. "All mine. All for me." The grip he had on your thigh was sure to leave a bruise, but that was the last thing on your mind.

The hand he had pressing on your stomach moved further down so he could circle your clit with his thumb again, jaw tight as he looked from your blissed out expression to where his hand was playing with you. "Oh fuck! That's it!" Leon growled, eyes glued to your cunt as he plunged in and out of it. "Cream this dick, mamas~... Cum on my cock so I can fill this pretty pussy up.."

The way you gasped and moaned when you came was enough to warrant a noise complaint, but screw your neighbors. You needed this just as much Leon did.

"Oohhh fuck yeah.. Milk me, baby~... shit-" Leon's thrusts stuttered to a stop while pressed flush against you, abs flexing as he pumped ropes of cum into you. Once you managed to open your eyes, all you could do was stare at the man, flushed pink and sweaty, sitting between your legs. Both of you moaned in tandem as he pulled out, Leon groaning to himself as he watched his cum drip from your pussy. Truly a work of art meant for his eyes only.

He leaned over you again to plant a quick kiss on your lips, chuckling when he felt you smile. "Let me go grab something to clean you up, okay?" You could only nod in response, reaching your hand up to caress the side of his face before he stood up from the bed. He walked across the hall into the bathroom, wetting a soft rag with warm water before making his way back over to you.

Leon made sure to be gentle when cleaning you, the warmth from the rag soothing your tender skin. You were able to sit up on your elbows and watch him, using his gentle touches as a way to calm your still racing heart.

After wiping himself off with the rag, he tossed it over in the general direction of your laundry basket. It was a problem for later. Right now, he wanted lay back on the bed and pull you up so you could lay on top of him. Along with just how nice it felt to hold you, he loved the weight of you on him. So that's what he did, pulling you onto him after laying on the bed, running his fingers though your hair on the back of your head.

"Leon." You muttered against his collarbone. His eyebrows raised, yet his eyes were closed. "Mm?" His right eye peaked open when he felt you giggle. "What?"

"I love you." His fingers paused their ministrations at your words. You lifted your head up to look at him, growing worried with his shocked expression. "Sorry, is that too-" you choked on your words, stopped mid-sentence by Leon's arms suddenly squeezing the breath out of you with a very tight hug. He pulled you up just a little further so he could smush his lips against yours.

"I love you too!" He breathed out excitedly. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to tell you!" You tapped his arm and he immediately relaxed his grip, mumbling a small, "Sorry, my bad.." when you took in a deep breath.

"You're adorable, Leon." You shook your head with a smile, brushing the hair from his face to give him a much gentler kiss before settling you head back against his chest with a quiet sigh.

Leon was still a tough man, but you made him soft. Only ever soft for you.

Side note: I totally forgot to add in the pussy eating i am so sorry. i thought i did but it was literally just a thought that never manifested 😭

tags!: @greywardensaywhat @xkittiecatx @httpsuguru @httpsuguru @k-fallingstar @lysa1201 @bobastayhigh @pocketstoriesstore @agent-dessis-posts @klee-iii @missjoenowhere @mi-zer-y @bigtiddiesimp @finsternisle @sweets3rial @sodacolablast (there's a few of you that tumblr wouldn't let me tag for some reason)

[sleepyelliee]

taking a bath with jack marston.

౨ৎ SUMMARY... your favorite gunslinger seems to have trouble keeping himself together during the rough patch he is currently experiencing, so you decide to step in and tend to his needs.

౨ৎ RATING...fluff ! but, mentions of depression, implied grief, dirt, bacteria, nude body, alcoholism, scars, cuts, and bruises, implied financial situation, loneliness, implied to be shorter than him, GN READER. no 'y/n', just 'you.' Loosely proofread. established relationship.

౨ৎ CREDITS... thank you sooo much, @slversprngs for allowing me to use your jack drawings <3. you should definitely check them out because they make amazing art.

You were familiar with the young man and his family who lived couple blocks down from your ranch and your father would trade different products each month with the Marston's. This soon became a way to know the teenage boy as his mother, Abigail started to invite your family to dinner every other weekend, an attempt to make her loner son have some friends since all he did was read books and help out his father whenever they did ranch work.

Abigail thought you were a good influence, you liked reading books and engaged in conversations whenever her or her beloved husband would ask about your hobbies or they observed how you would treat their son. The Marston's loved having your family around and soon enough you became a family friend, and a best friend to Jack.

All those memories and dinners with the Marston family soon came an end three years ago, when Jack's father, John passed away and soon after that his mother passed as well.

It changed the young man - crushed him to pieces that it altered his personality. The old sarcastic boy you knew was far from that now, he was quiet and only kept to himself with that stoic mask he displays to everyone.

It seems you were an expectation because he wasn't entirely closed off, he still spoke to you occasionally about the things he's doing in his life - aiming to kill Edgar Ross, a man who murdered his father apparently.

You didn't know what to say to that, two wrongs don't make a right. But, you couldn't stop the young man as he let his anger out about the whole situation as he spoke about it whenever he would lean against the railings of his porch and you would quietly listen to his rambling.

...

Opening the crunched up newspaper that was left in your mailbox messily caught you off guard. The retired federal agent, Edgar Ross was reported as dead - something you didn't want to take literally due to how sweet the young man used to be in the past, nor wanted to believe his words of murder true. You felt terrible because you knew that the true fate of the man before it took place and deep down you knew you could've reported it to the law.

That's what you repeated to yourself numerous times - never to ever interact with an outlaw, a gunslinger, a murderer, someone like him, but you found yourself stripping naked to wash the young man as you slowly got into the bathtub.

"You don't have to do this," The gunslinger repeated as he took a heavy inhale, trying to respect you in the best way possible without making this awkward, "You know you can leave, right?" He continued but any conviction seemed to land on deaf ears.

"Mhm, I know." You muttered, reaching over to grab the shampoo and rubbing it on your hands before massage it into his scalp. The built up grease from days or even weeks was noticable but you decided not to speak about it.

Jack feels guilty - not for the killing a man but how he's making you, a childhood friend of his clean him up like he's a baby. The alcohol in his system doesn't make the anxiousness fade away as he is afraid you'll judge him - you'll will leave him.

He doesn't know how long it's been that he genuinely felt so clean but he won't ever even admit a side of vulnerability despite the fact he allowed you to take care of him.

After shampooing his hair, you gently wash off the shampoo and rubbed conditioner on your hand before going in and applying it to the outlaw's dark hair, causing him to hum. "What else are you goin' to do?" He questions as his gaze slowly meets yours, hoping you won't be grossed out.

"Do you want me to wash your shoulders? You...uh, can do the rest.." You mutter as your cheeks grew into a rosy red. Damn. He swears that look you give him anytime you get embarrassed will be the death of him.

Jack doesn't comment on it though, he silently reaches down and takes hold of your waist and pulls you closer. "Don't stress it," The gunslinger mutters, slowly dipping his face in the curve of your neck. "Darlin'..? Love you."

Jack Marston was not a vulnerable man, but in this moment, he felt safe and secure in your arms.

Thank you soo much for reading ! reblogs and likes are very much appreciated... please do not repost my work on any other platform. Masterlist

[ropebuny]

hi love, how are you holding up? how’s your health? how are you feeling mentally?

(also um im so sorry whoever wronged you, and dw they’ll get what they deserve)

hi I’m not doing too well as is evident, but I’ll survive 🫡 my brain scan went great, they were speculating a tumor but luckily nothing abnormal was found except for my messed up sinus system which I already knew from my horrible allergies ahead of time. my gynecologist had me draw my blood again to see the other possible reasons for my severely elevated prl hormone. so they saw that my estrogen or whatever I don’t remember which exact hormone, is messed up and she diagnosed me with pcos. I haven’t had my period in like 2 months (I always had super messed up cycles and my period sometimes came like every 2 months and sometimes I bled for 2 weeks straight and had horrible cramps all the time like it felt like someone grabbed my guts and just twisted them or tied them together really tight or like stabbed them or something basically it was constant agony and I never knew when I’d get my period and sometimes I’d bleed for like 3 days and then it’d stop and continue again a few days later so basically it was just really messy and annoying so I went on birth control to regulate my periods but then my prl hormone spiked at 200 and it also threw off my birth control and the regulated period I guess because I once again did not get my period when I should have, so my gynecologist suggested we stop with the birth control but now it’s been like almost 2 months and still nothing so I asked to go back on birth control to regulate it again HOPEFULLY). and then I had some dating trouble due to me having bpd and everyone being uncomfortable when they find this out :/ feeling pretty hopeless and stressed and depressed but I should survive

thank you for checking up on me, I hope you’re doing okay <3

[lionydoorin]

Do you have any Tara headcanons you haven't posted about? :3

YES YES YE !!!!! i think other people have talked about, them tho, but anyway <33333

baby tara having a super fragile health!!!! she was a premature baby, having to spend her first few weeks of life in the ICU, and ever since she was little she had many, many trips to the ER and stayed overnight at the hospital many many times

tara was held back a year when she was seven, following a decline of her health after her dad left, spending most of that year at the hospital or at home

tara being bullied because of her asthma (the kids hated that she got to skip gym) and because she was older than them. mindy, chad, wes and amber were her protectors (specially amber, with her aggressive nature, and chad, because he's a sweetie)

she's had very bad sleeping problems, as well, and sam would always help her when it was time to go to bed (aka the lullaby headcanon :3) when sam started distancing herself from her, tara started to sing to herself

^ after scream 5's events, she finally got medicated for her insomnia, as well as for her depression and anxiety that stem from her ptsd

abandonment issues???? anger issues??? repressing every single emotion she's ever had??? yes

tara having hallucinations? amber being the voices in her head??? yes

amber being her first kiss and her first crush. i have this entire headcanon abt how i think the first kiss moment would go actually but heheheheh i wrote a lot. they were a big will they won't they in the group. she never told anyone about their kisses, not even sam, when sam returned.

^ she misses amber. so much. sometimes she opens amber's tumblr simply to reread her thoughts, only to become overwhelmed by the pure guilt of missing her. amber tried to kill her. amber killed a lot of people. amber didn't really love her. did she? she hates it.

she struggles a lot with her interpersonal relationships because she doesn't know how to balance depending on someone and taking care of herself. she either doesn't want to be touched by anyone or clings to them like her life depends on them. took her a long time (and a lot of therapy) to come to a balance

her unhealthy coping mechanisms coming from her being so used to being on her own that she's overwhelmed by the idea of sam caring about her. she's not used to having a parental figure trying to take care of her. this period has her pushing sam away from her only to cling to her at the next second with the thought of her leaving (sam is so, so patient with her)

tara quitting therapy and physical therapy whenever she thought she was okay and normal only to return months later because she feels so bad with the realization she'll never be normal. if she ever was.

HATES crying in front of people. sam's the only one she allows to see her cry

painkiller addiction. definitely. wonder how sammy would react to it :3

she used to draw a lot. but with the hand injury (she's left handed) she had to stop for a bit due to her pain and overall struggle with Holding the pencil. this was one of her biggest motivations to return to physical therapy

she sings a little bit, even if not as much as sam, and is trying to learn how to play the guitar (it's hard, because of her left hand and all, but kirby helps her :3)

she can't cook to save her life. wes and judy would always offer to have meals with her because christina was always out. and she used to sleep at amber's almost every night.

very picky eater and this is why it was so hard for her to cook. would spend entire days without eating if she couldn't have the specific things she wanted to

[piercingsandfangs]

Meet me ig !

Age: 16. ( 2008 ).

Gender: I am male.

Sexuality: none ya business but I obv like men. Cmon.

Uh: idk what to list this as but I'm European.

Weight: No idea because I don't own a scale and I can't ask for one without it being a problem. I am however a size small in clothes, I can fit in extra small I just dislike tighter clothing and small is baggy on me sometimes.

Height: embarrassing. I'm 5'3.

Pronouns: He / They. Use either I don't care enough.

Relationship stat: he's not my bf ( yet. )

!!! : I have autism, ocd, depression, anxiety, and I strongly question if I have bpd but idk.

[ Tws for; sh, ed, vents on my page, you've been warned. ]

Random lore;

I started eating less in my ( what would be for you ) middle school years to cope with a boy in my class and my teacher both calling me fat. I started not eating around people and not eating as much food. I don't remember when but I became overly disinterested in food. I was body positive and didn't care much about weight but I was very skinny because I didn't eat much, one small meal a day usually ( if that ). A few months ago I was really sick due to a traumatic incident I was experiencing, it made my anxiety awful, I was throwing up alot and couldn't do much. In that time I also couldn't hold down any food, it started off as an accident, I threw up my food because I was brushing my teeth and was sick, then it wasn't an accident, I was putting my fingers down my throat so often. I stopped after awhile, I " got better ". Recently I started binging alot and it's stressed me, I hate it. So I'm back to familiar territory.

kl I'm attempting to restrict myself to daily: 500-700kl. I don't need to puke it but I probably will <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like:

• puking. Lol

• Ranfren.

• Evangelion.

• my boyfriend.

• I'm emo, I love emo shit.

• mlp

• pjsk

• soul eater

• creepypasta

• Nightcore

• most things early 2010s.

• drawing

• south park

• lost media

• mindless self indulgence

• The Sims ( 4 & 2 ).

• Eddsworld

• Killing stalking ( no I don't ship them )

The list goes on...

and on.

PLEASE NOTE:

My account is a lil broken, I cannot comment things or post in ask boxes. I'm not being a shit mutual.

[magicaleraser94]

Hey ya'll ^^

As some of you may have noticed, I've suddenly become very active on this account, reblogging things and posting a few peices of art (some have really blown up, tysm ^^), after being radio silent for about two years. A lot has happened in my life since I had stopped posting. Here's a post to fill you guys in :D

My YT channel hit 1k subs!

...and I haven't really posted since :|

I got into Hermitcraft, the Life Series, and Empires SMP just before DSMP kinda faded. I'm a big fan of Grian and his content, as well as Martyn Inthelittlewood and Bdubs's Hermitcraft 10 series. They've inspired my art and were there for most of my style development. They're my comfort creators.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It's been kind of tough, since most of the therapists in my area are kinda shit. But I'm doing a lot better now thanks to my family, friends, and a good ol medication.

I started playing DND! It's been one of my favorite pastimes. Made a few joke characters, as well as some pretty serious ones. My usual character is Akuji, a half-orc fighter with a past as a psychotic smuggler.

(Due to action surge and a weapon she collected from fighting the dnd equivalent of Elsa, she can deal a max of eighty damage in one turn.)

I began playing Sky: Children of the Light. Made some friends. Lost some friends. The players are gentle and unique, and the community is one of the kindest that I've had the honor to be in. I also became a bit of a lore-addict, and most of my theories have been proven correct through the trailers for The Two Embers. I even created a character with my own lore :3

I became invested in Ish's State Experiments. I've become a pretty popular artist in the State Server, and I was the first to be featured in a special channel dedicated to State Art. While it's not something I should be super excited about, since our community is smaller than most, that very accomplishment has brought me into a group of kind, fellow artists, and funny content creators who I have made unforgettable connections with.

Also, meet "Blob" Soggy, the personified version of my discord username. I draw her a lot, and use her as little reaction images when I'm talking.

Found IMMENSE joy in Indie horror games, such as Bendy and the Ink Machine (and DR), the Little Nightmares Saga, Five Nights at Freddie's, Mortuary Assistant (introduced by one of the content creators in State), and quite a few more. Also, Hollow Knigth got mixed in there, even tho it's not horror

I'm in a relationship :). My boyfriend is a complete gentleman and looks kinda like a skinnier Newt Scamander. We've been going steady for 3 months.

I stumbled upon Dimension 20: Fantasy High, which has been so fun to watch! Brennan Lee Mulligan and his crew are hilarious. Also Riz Gukgak's the best PC and nobody can say otherwise.

And lastly.

MagicalEraser has grown into a full character. Through my friends in State, I was able to develop her past what I ever thought possible. She is what my fellow artists see me as. She's more than just a silly drawing I made based off of a Shel Silverstein poem and a half-baked minecraft skin. I am so grateful that I created her, because she's been there every step of the way.

Love you guys. Hope you enjoyed catching up! Thank you all for enjoying my art :]

[idoodle2draw-marquer]

Oh no my deepest apologies I adore your art especially your original content I just couldn't for the life of me remember how I came across you! I always assumed it was the splatoon content you make in general though I don't follow a lot of splatoon blogs to know if I saw a reblog of your stuff from there and came to your blog I love seeing your stickers of the month with the lot of character expressions, your original designs fan ocs or original characters altogether, and the lore of your characters I see sprinkled around I'm sorry,, I just got excited to realize how I found/followed you is all I remembered I was in some splatoon oc/salmonoid tags and found you and thought you were really neat especially looking through all your artwork I think your art style is especially sick (complimentary) and its only because I'm not on tumblr much have I been able to afford the time to dig down into your stuff I always wanted to commission you or donate to your kofi but I always felt I'd come off as rude because I wasn't sure what was acceptable to commission or how much a decent kofi donation would be if I tried but,, I came off as not just rude but offensive so I'm sorry about that, I take responsibility for how I came off initially I'm not here just for one single oc otherwise I wouldn't be following still I just found you because of him and when I remembered how I found you I got excited is all I'm sorry for saying it like I was ignoring the rest of your work

my apologies as well for misunderstanding your message ;_; i got so used to actual non-compliments due to being a multi-fandom artist and also having like the 1 sexy character among all my tacky designs haha [my veteran followers know who he is] i stopped answering inbox messages for a reason fjdgsgshfj

and apologies for putting you on the spot over it x,x!!

you'll be seeing more if him soon, he's been most of what i draw at work hehe

i appreciate you reaching out and explaining it- i feel bad for reading your initial message incorrectly! depression brain really loves to bring out the negatives in words and i've been struggling with it this winter season especially 💔

thank you for appreciating my work though, its fun to see how people find me and Snap is a delightful reason x) i love him so much

to make up for it here's a sketchpage of him i wasn't gonna post initially!

to answer your question-ish thingy, i no longer take commissions but it means a lot that you would if you could!! donations are always appreciated but never necessary 🤍 apologies again, i know its disappointing to find you can't commission an artist you wanna, i simply don't have the time or will for it anymore ;3;

[beanie-babie-vents]

Hi, yall, welcome to my #druittblr account! You can call me Beanie or Star :3

I believe the idea of druittblr was started by @bigbadwolfbutch, so shout out to them!

Now about me :

I'm a 27 year old enby/nonbinary person who is typically very femme, but will sometimes dress or feel more masc or androgynous.

I love anime and manga, and comics and cartoons. I am an illustration major. I was on break from school since January as I had a very, very bad case of burn out. Lasted for like, three months, and I'm still trying to get back into drawing. Writing has been easier lately. I restarted my semester at the end of August, but had to stop again because my family bullshit was worsening my mental health, so. Hopefully I can move soonish and get back to school.

I want to live my life how I want to, but due to my family's control and religious background, I am currently unable to do so. I hope to move out ASAP so I can start to truly live.

---

I'm in a relationship!! My bf is very sweet and cute uwu I'm also polyam, and yes my bf knows bc why tf wouldn't I tell him that, we ain't about that toxic polyamory life.

As for my full orientation, I consider myself neptunic demi-biromantic, nonbinary genderflux, and polyamorous. I've learned recently that l'm not really sexually attracted to those with masc bodies, moreso aesthetically and romantically attracted.

---

I have been learning more about spirituality and witchcraft, and would love to truly practice my craft, but I either forget to do so, or feel too paranoid/nervous about my family realizing what I'm doing.

Currently, I'm prooooobably agnostic? Maybe? Thinking there could be a god, but if there is? They probably don't fully care about what humans are doing? So long as we aren't hurting others...They certainly don't need us to abide by everything the Bible says.

Anyway, I also love the idea of Unitarian Universalism, and have been wanting to watch u more UU services. Hoping to join a congregation after I move.

---

I am so damn neurodivergent, yall don't even know -

I'm diagnosed with ADHD, Dyscalculia, Autism, General Anxiety, Major Depression, OCD, and.......some schizo type disorder otherwise specified? Don't think that last one's accurate, though. Also probably have cyclothymia. Yep, brain's haunted fr.

As for chronic illnesses -

Was born with a Congenital Heart Disease. Don't have a full on diagnosis yet, but am quite certain I have prosopagnosia (face blindness). And there's def something up with my reproductive system. Endo maybe?? I still need to see a gynecologist. Also diagnosed with POTS/OH. Technically have both. Other than that, I have GERD and IBS/possibly IBD. Due to medical mishaps I didn't get a colonoscopy when I was supposed to, but was told that I probably have IBD. So yeah. Fun...

Also wouldn't be surprised if I had Sjogren's. Had blood work to see, but never had other tests to confirm. So who knows, man.

Also at this point I think I could have a connective tissue disorder??? My body's fucked, that's for sure!

---

Current special interest : Hazbin Hotel

Other interests : Anime/Manga, Cartoons, Comics/Webcomics, Music, art + drawing, writing/reading, cosplay, J fashion, video games

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1990 I haven’t written in a while which I sometimes don’t. Last thing I see I wrote about was getting my hair trimmed. Linda trimmed my bangs and my top layer. My top layer was and still is pretty much fried with split ends. I have split ends everywhere. She was shocked at the weight I lost and how long my hair’s gotten. I haven’t seen her in 3 years or so. Linda hasn’t seen me at my skinniest though since I’ve gained 8 pounds. Funny thing is that it looks like I gained double, like 16 pounds. Of course, that’s cuz I’m so short. I no longer despise being short as I’ve realized the many advantages of being short as I’ve gotten older.

Andy’s here now asleep. He came over two nights ago, too. We made some calls this time. Last night we played Crazy 8’s which we haven’t done since we were kids at the beach. Also, we played the piano.

I’ll write later as I’m exhausted. For the last two months or so I’ve been sleeping at night, but I was up all night cuz I slept too many hours yesterday.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1990 I am waiting to have my hair trimmed at Hair Performance by Linda. My top layer is incredibly fried. Also, I need my bangs trimmed.

Brenda’s very sick today so I’m going to be going to Martha by bus and it is incredibly freezing out!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1990 Well, I’m not going to be sleeping for a hell of a long time. I never got up yesterday till 9pm. I had woken up in the early afternoon but felt like shit so I went back to sleep. Not too much has happened since I last wrote. I’ve done some pretty nice drawings, been pissed at Russ cuz he’s got the heat off from 11pm–6am, been a little depressed cooped up at home and wanting to sing. Lastly, been frustrated and scared over my bronchitis.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1990 I fell asleep shortly after 11 PM, after seeing the Tai Babilonia story, then at 1:45, I woke up for no reason at all. At least I didn’t wake up cuz of an asthma attack like I did yesterday morning and several previous mornings. I feel much better now and for the last 5 days, I’ve had 4-6 ciggies.

Soon I’m going to try to go back to sleep so I can join Andy on job-hunting trips. Not a job for me, for him of course, but it’ll get me out of the apt.

I’d like to sleep with Shadow, but he keeps waking me up.

I had a great visit with Tammy and the kids, and also a great day with Brenda. Sarah’s adorable and she’s got so much hair on her head. Everyone in the family was born with lots of hair.

John came over for a half-hour tonight and met Brenda and Bill.

Oh, I wish I knew my test scores! I want so badly to go to the academy. I suppose, though, I won’t be going for whatever reason cuz I want to go badly. Of course, that is until I can get anything going musically.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1990 Yesterday was awful. I was so pissed at Russ. For the last 5 mornings, during the wee hours of the morning, it was freezing. Later on between 7:00-11:00, it would turn into a sauna. I woke up for two reasons. One was the fucking radiator in the kitchen would clank so loud, you could probably hear it downtown. The other is that I’d have major asthma attacks due to it. It would get so hot in here that my windows would be wet. I yelled on Russ’s machine, asking what it’s gonna take for the heat to be evened out and he stopped up to adjust the thermostat. If this happens continuously, I’ll make partial rent payments and if he fights it he’ll wish partial rent problems were the only problems he’s had with me. Otherwise, he’s a nice guy and the best landlord I’ve ever had. He doesn’t do this deliberately, he just has no brains when it comes to heating.

Today, later on, I’m definitely gonna get the fuck outa this apartment. Where to, I do not know, but I’ve got to get out.

[sweetmiremoonie]

I am aware that this is unsolicited advice (in which I'm very good at giving), but I find it much easier to create when I divide the creation process into little chunks.

I've spent months not drawing a single thing due to being overwhelmed of the process as a whole (depression from the rise of A.I. art didn't help either). I'd doubt my identity and ability as an artist, which in turn would make me even less motivated to make things. A vicious cycle indeed.

But I've since found my creative spark and motivation once again, and dividing the creation process into steps has helped a lot with feelings of uncertainty and inadequacy. I divide the workload accordingly:

1. Sketch

2. Lineart

3. Coloring

4. Finishing touches

5. Double checking for errors

6. Posting

I try to get at least one step finished within the day, but if I'm not able to, I leave it for the next time I can focus and work on it.

Dividing into chunks is also good for someone who tends to hyperfocus like I do. My brain wants to get everything done at once at the expense of everything else, but if I keep the steps in mind, I can stop and tell myself "Okay, the lineart is done. Tomorrow (or whenever I'm able to) I'll start coloring." instead of "Since I've already gotten this far I might as well start the coloring right now!!!!"

[lf2mode]

feeling a bit moody tonight so i'm going to bring back my dumb tumblr blogging again...stream of consciousness time :)

for some context, i'm writing this after a year break from work; ive been job hunting again and i have study/interview duties coming up.

before my work break, one of the things i used to frequently get truly deeply sad over was this constant repeating cycle of me not allowing myself to pour infinite hours into just doing what i want, because work and life responsibilities were always looming. obviously, this went away when i took my work break, but before then…

2020 was a year where i started -really- getting back into drawing again, and it was also the year where work ramped up the hardest due to rona. for the next few months, almost on a weekly basis, i would find myself in bed brimming with inspiration yet also mentally stomping it out as hard as i could because standup was at 10 am and i really needed to hit work deadlines, so i really ~really~ needed to fight myself to sleep and not do my "draw until 7 am" thing again or else i would be in deep shit. i got better at this process over time, but every once in a while i would relapse (aka draw into the morning) and suffer work-wise, and it did get to the point where my managers would be concerned over my work performance. consequently i felt more trapped by my life circumstances than i have ever felt…this is coming from someone who is always feeling trapped and fighting for my own freedom, and somehow i fought my way into the deepest corner i could find on the map. every time i relapsed on "doing what i want" would lead to work consequences, and every time i didn't i would wake up the next morning deeply depressed at the mental ashes that represented my inspiration from the previous night. go figure that this work break felt like the best fucking thing i've ever felt in my life after years of self-denial.

anyway, now that i'm job hunting again, i am finding myself back in this cycle of forcing myself to stop again. funny thing is that i stopped myself from drawing and tried to go to bed, but here i am just writing until 3 am instead.

anyway, i've realized something about this that i think is a good thing.

while i am sad to find myself walking into this corner again, i also realize now that having competing priorities is one of the greatest motivators for me to do literally anything else beside the thing that i "should" be doing. so, even if i have to force myself to take breaks for the sake of my "real" resposibilities, ~at least~ i'm trying to work on what i want as much as i can in the slivers of time i can find. somehow, when i frame it this way, i don't feel like i'm stomping out inspiration. i'm relieved that, when i consciously look at what is happening, it's really not as bad as it feels.

side note…recently, i did allow myself to just work on one thing whenever i wanted to AND for however long i felt like at a time without feeling bad about it (can't post yet but probably soon) and i'm so happy that i did. i'm also thankful that i'm still job hunting since i can take intermittent breaks like this, though i know they won't be long.

anyway, that was the main thing i wanted to write about, but there are two more big things i wanted to dig into a bit…

one: in hindsight, i think my old tendency to "stomp out inspiration" or "feel bad about doing something for myself for too long" has stifled my ability to achieve anything long term. this isn't even just in the realm of "work" or "productivity" but actually goes even into things like "leisure" because wow i am still unable to get myself to just watch a movie or show. the medium of enjoyment i allow myself must be short-form so as to maintain the illusion of being able to stop at a finer granularity, unless it's in audio form only because then i can listen while doing other stuff at the same time.

anyway, i think this tendency of mine is connected to my tendency to stop myself from doing anything for too long for most of my life…and i believe this work break was instrumental in my realizing this. hell, i can even go further - growing up, my mom would never let me do anything for longer than an hour unless it was productive. the only way i would be able to enjoy things for longer than an hour at a time was if i snuck onto a computer after sleeping hours until 3 am and cross my fingers that my mom was asleep. ok...when i put it this way, i think it all makes a little too much sense.

two: one might look at the entire problem that i'm having and wonder "why not just turn what you enjoy into your work?" and to that i say: i have zero faith that the world will support me adequately for simply doing what i want to do. some people are able to have this belief and that's great. i don't. i'm also very sensitive to others' expectations, and i think the fastest way to dooming my hobbies is to tie it to my livelihood. however, maybe i should actually give it a shot instead of just saying that, because maybe it will feel fine and i will have a good time. maybe the world would want to support me adequately for doing what i want to do, but honestly…that's gonna have to wait for another work break.

not to harp on the same thing, but this just reminds me how i gave a whole presentation to my mom when i was 14 about how i wanted to become an animator and presented her with stats on salaries and job prospects, and i'm pretty sure that night ended with her yelling me into tears. again, makes a little too much sense how i feel about things based on just my upbringing.

ok last thing now that i'm looking back at what i wrote. i'm gonna be really obnoxious and quote my own tweet from a private account...

people attribute a very high proportion of mental health symptoms to childhood trauma, and i used to think it was very cheesy to pigeonhole so much of what drives mental health, but over time i've come to accept that the proportion of symptoms caused by trauma is just really huge

last last thing for real. i don't hold ill will toward my mom. i think she did her best and we just have to deal with what cards we were handed. all things considered, despite what i've said, my circumstances are pretty good. i bring it all up for the sake of understanding myself, not for the sake of placing blame or whatever.

cool. i think i got all of my thoughts out. gngn

[thef0lly0fman]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLIVER!!

happy birthday to my number 1 scrunkly wunkly scrimblo dimblo, oliver !!! he really means a lot to me, so i'm gonna make a big, sort of sappy post under the cut :3

3 years ago today, august 5th of 2020, i created a funny little cat character based on a dream i had. little did i know he would become one of my favorite OCs of all time.

for about a month or so after creating him, i was totally fixated on him lmao. however, the fixation faded after a while and i kinda just. stopped thinking about him for some time.

during 2021, i was in one of the worst spots of my life. i was really depressed and going through a major artblock. like MAJOR artblock. worst and longest artblock i'd ever been through. one day, i was really tired of not being able to draw, so i decided to just scribble something down without worrying about how good it looked. i thought it might be fun to draw oliver again after quite a while of not drawing him, so i decided he should be the subject, with a new design.

after this drawing, i started thinking a lot about him again. he became a large source of comfort during the stuff i was facing that year. i dumped a lot of interests i had at the time onto him (weirdcore and liminal space stuff my beloved <3) as well as problems i had on my mind at the time. (feeling like i'm a bit too immature/uneducated for my age, really bad social skills due to rarely leaving the house all my life, etc.)

he also was just really fun to doodle and come up with ideas for honestly. just drawing or developing his story helped me get a break from the shit that was going on back then. he's a fictional character, but he was there for me during the darkest moments of my life when i felt like there wasn't anyone else for me to turn to.

and i think that's the main reason he's just so important to me. i fucking love this dumb cat. to this day i still project a lot of my struggles onto him and it helps me cope with it. he's my favorite little guy in the world and i love him so so much ^_^

thank you for reading all this if you did !!! i know it's pretty long but i thought it would be fun to talk about his origins and why i love him so much lol

[timelessxmemories]

Headcanons for:

— Eloise Washington X Leah Daniels —

+ Leah's death & The aftermath of it.

TW: Mentions of Child death, Suicide, Depression, Death.

@lauraroleplayss

When they first met, Eloise instantly felt drawn to the General. She asked Ben and Caleb as to who she was but they hardly knew anything about her due to Leah being so closed off and distant from everyone so she took it upon herself to get close to Leah. Whether Leah likes it or not.

Leah of course, didn't like this all too much. For 2 months straight Eloise was bugging her, constantly trying to get closer to her and trying to get her to open up more. Eloise wasn't about to give up easily. This went on for 3 more months until Leah finally gave in.

Their friendship eventually grew into something way more over the next few months, it grew into a QPR. They ended up becoming so very close and almost inseparable.

Of course, this also means Eloise quickly found out Leah's mischievous and chaotic side. Eloise quite frequently got dragged into Leah's shenanigans.

A lot of the times Leah rarely got proper sleep, this meant she would often fall asleep on Eloise's shoulder, lap or chest rather often. Sorry Ben, your girl has been snatched up by a higher ranked woman.

When balls or parties are happening and if Leah was invited, she will instantly walk over to Eloise and ask her to dance, she would take her by the hand and waist and take the lead.

After Leah's son, Wilbur was killed, Leah was obviously torn, Eloise took it upon herself to help the woman back to a regular state of mind, which took quite some time. Ever since that day, on every single June 18th they'd visit the grave of Wilbur and just sit there amongst the stars in silence.

After her son's death, Leah was never truly the same after that, which caused her anger issues to worsen, her moods constantly switching more and more and she became more anxious and paranoid around certain people or things. Eloise helped her with this, she helped her out of the terrible rut she was in.

Of course, Wilbur's death was truly a mystery. He simply turned up dead one day, and this tore and confused Leah. They never did find out how he died or who killed him. After all, he was only 6 years of age. So Leah and Eloise tried figuring it out and piecing it together, but they got no where.

At some point, Leah did unfortunately end up attempting suicide. Eloise caught on immediately and stopped Leah from going ahead and doing so. Eloise alerted Caleb and Ben as to what happened and the three agreed to take turns staying with Leah just to make sure she was okay.

Leah was severely depressed, she desperately wanted some way to get out of the situation she was in. But she refused to ask for help. That was until Eloise and Caleb both decided to step in and help Leah the best they could.

Leah's death was tragic and unfortunate. She was sent out with a battalion to search out the area, but when the battalion returned, Leah did not. She wasn't found until a few days later, propped up against a tree, a bayonet lodged into her stomach and frostbite covering her exposed skin, when they found her, she was still alive, but barely breathing. It was Caleb, Eloise, Ben and Anna who found the woman dying on the ground. Her final words were: "I'm sorry I couldn't see the end of the war with you all.. Maybe in another life.."

After her death, the camp was quiet, everything was gloomy and dark, things weren't the same. Needless to say, things were way more tense and everyone was more eager for this war to finally end. Leah did get a proper burial though. She was buried right beside her son under a weeping willow tree.

Her tent was left the same, everything remained in tact, her writings, journals, drawings and everything stayed in the same spot. After the war ended, the group each took a thing of Leah's as a memory.

Her grave was overgrown by this point with moss and flowers and weeds, connected to Wilbur's grave with the weeds growing with one another.

Her horse, Alejandro was gifted to Abraham, allowing him to care for the large horse. Alejandro was very sad about his owners death. Which is exactly why Abe made sure to take the horse to Leah's grave, allowing Alejandro to sit beside Leah's grave and rest his head on her tombstone. In a way, he was bonding with her ghost as if she was still there.

[shiftysheep]

what the heck, i'll give it a shot! i like arguing for the sake of arguing sometimes

ok! so, let's do this chronologically:

the first big one that I remember is the aftermath of the invasion of lotus pier when jc strangled wwx.

+ wwx could be seen as equally responsible for that incident because he didn't fight back at all, just lied there and took it

+ for one of the most promising cultivators of his generation, wwx could've made jc stop if he wanted to, even if he was already injured and under a lot of mental stress and anguish

+ jc was also under a lot of mental strain! and he was literally a minor so..........

2. the second major incident is the golden core debacle

+ simple enough. jc saw that wwx was in danger and decided to draw attention away from where wwx was and onto himself instead.

+ if wwx paid more attention to his surroundings and was a little more vigilant then this whole thing wouldn't have happened

+ wwx and wen ning rescuing jc was just making things even and in no way adds any debts to jc

+ in fact, wen ning and wen qing only got involved in the first place because of wwx and the bond he formed with wen ning

+ i would argue that any and all debts due to the wen siblings are squarely on wwx's shoulders as he was the one that they were really trying to help. jc was just the method they used to aid him

+ also, jc was either knocked out or in a depressive state during this whole thing so he didn't really remember them doing anything

+ everyone knows that if you don't witness someone help you, then you can just reap the benefits of that help and don't have to acknowledge them or their role in acquiring it

3. wartime? like the start of wwx's decline in reputation

+ wwx is responsible for his own actions and its not jc's fault that people talk shit about him

+ the guy was being creepy and challenging the social hierarchy

+ maybe try getting born as a higher class citizen next time if you don't want people to turn on you

+ perfect example: jc! what a guy! role model to us all. i heard he even killed the dreaded yiling patriarch!! what a hero

4. being unsupportive after the war but prior to the hunt

+ wwx didn't tell him that he didn't have a golden core! how could jc have known that there was a reason wwx was refusing to pick up his sword and do his dang job

+this is really on wwx. my guy should've practiced healthy communication skills and told his beloved sect leader what was up

5. phoenix mountain hunt suicide joke when wwx said he wanted to ask lwj for his ribbon

+ yeah that wasn't cool we'll take the L

+ but!! a man is the product of his upbringing (according to some schools of thought) Therefore! this shitty attempt at humor isn't really jc's fault, but that of his parents and teachers

+ shame on them for making such a bright young man say such a bad thing

(i feel like i'm forgetting things but shhh no i'm not)

6. confrontation and subsequent denouncement at the burial mounds

+ wwx agreed to leave the jiang at his own accord! he practically volunteered for it

+that would hurt anyone's feelings

+ wwx also agreed to the duel, itself

+ as a combat veteran, he should've known that sometimes things get out of hand in the heat of battle. so, really, getting stabbed in the gut was his own fault.

+ he knew the risks!

+ jc did say that wwx called himself the enemy of the cultivation world when wwx did not actually say that

+ however! this whole charade was created to help save face for the jiang! which could only be accomplished if they were righteous for kicking him out of their sect

+ if wwx didn't want to be villainized he should've made that clearer to jc before agreeing to put this plan in motion

7. wedding and one month celebration invitations

+ if wwx wanted to go so bad, maybe he shouldn't have stuck his neck out for a group of people he barely even knew

+ the man claims to love his shijie but wouldn't even make the tiny sacrifice of 50 strangers (probably evil!! strangers) to attend her wedding or meet her son

+ not very loving behavior, if you ask me

8. siege of the burial mounds

+ this ones easy. wwx brought it on himself

+ he literally killed jc's sister and her husband

+ what was he supposed to do? forgive and forget? yeah right. who do you think he is? jiang fengmian?

+ eye for an eye, baybeee

9. post death hunting, torturing, and killing of "demonic" cultivators

+ grief does strange things to a man, what do you want from me

+ if wwx never died then jc never would've hunted down, tortured, and killed all those people

+ so this is really just wwx's fault when you think about it

10. post resurrection whipping, threatening with dogs, etc

+ if wwx just told the truth about who he was then maybe jc wouldn't have whipped him

+ but wwx decided to lie to jc's face and now we'll never know

+ wwx should've gotten over his fear of dogs. he's not a kid anymore and should face his fears.

+ jc is just trying to help him get desensitized. not his fault if the readers can't see his actions for what they are

+ burial mounds siege part two: electric bugaloo

+ jc's nephew was literally kidnapped. completely understandable behavior

+ being a little harsh during wwx's visit to lotus pier

+ wwx decided to come to lotus pier all on his own. he could've waited outside and had lwj tell him the deets after the meeting was over but nooooo he just had to come in and wander around

+ he was judging jc's improvements to the town and damaging trees and entering buildings like some kind of tourist. how disrespectful! jc was right to call him out

11. i can't think of anything else :P

+ i don't have any passages right now because i don't own the books and can't access the internet archive (sad). but rest assured! when i regain access! i will find correlating passages to support my arguments!! and they will definitely not be ambiguous at best!!

(just to be clear, i don't actually stand by the words i've said, i was just trying to create an argument for jc stans. please don't be mean to me lol this is one hill i don't want to die on)

Now see, I am interested as to what flaws made Wei Wuxian as "at fault" to Jiang Cheng as to what Jiang Cheng did to him.

I am very open to anyone of you in this tag to provide these passages to me that frame it as such.

Take 2.0 for this request

[felinedetached]

Fandom Ableism in the MCYT Community

[Edited 14 June 2021]

One thing I’ve noticed about the MCYT (Dream SMP, specifically) community on both Tumblr and Twitter is that when informed of things that are ableist, or harmful to ND people, a lot of people ignore the post/tweet, derail it or actively fight against it.

“I’m ND so I can’t be ableist” is a common statement, which is blatantly untrue. Even I’ve used ableist terms and phrases before, without realising they were harmful. So as a neurodivergent person, with autism, BPD, depression/anxiety, dyslexia, psychosis & brain damage*: here’s some common ableist things both CCs and fandom say almost constantly**.

*note that not every neurodivergent person will agree with me on these, but these are commonly ableist things people have previously talked about online, and/or have been discussed between me and other neurodivergent friends. No minority can ever speak for the entire group.

**note that a lot of these are common outside the MCYT community as well, and that some of these are just considered societally acceptable. This isn’t okay, but it explains why a lot of people don’t recognise jokes or comments like these are wrong, and it means that it’s not a direct moral failing of people that they don’t immediately or directly recognise these comments as wrong.

Now, let’s get into the things you might not have realised are potentially ableist:

1. Use of “Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath/Schizo” and other demeaning terms for people with mental illnesses as insults, or to describe characters who are considered villainous. Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath are already terms that people with ASPD dislike using, even not as an insult, but using these terms to describe people or characters who you disagree with or see as villainous only contributes to the villainisation of people with ASPD and other mental illnesses. Using c!Dream as an example: Dream as a character is not confirmed to have any of these mental illnesses. He is, however, commonly labeled as psychotic/psychopathic, incapable of any kind of compassion.

He is also a character that fandom largely insists that nobody is allowed to sympathise with. This is a huge issue, and has hurt a lot of people, especially people with low empathy, or mental illnesses that cause them to relate to some of c!Dream’s actions (e.g. pulling away from all his friends, desperately grasping at straws to gain control of situations etc). Insisting that these characters are characters it’s impossible to sympathise with, all while calling them psychotic/psychopathic/sociopathic, is extremely harmful, and I hope this post draws attention to that.

Here’s another post that talks about that.

2. Use of the term “freak”, in general. As an insult, “freak” has been typically used to insult neurodivergent people, people with visible physical disabilities (ex. “freakshow”, and the term was reportedly created with the intent of insulting people with physical disabilities), or people who display any kind of abnormal/atypical social behaviour/physical aspects — people who are usually ND people who lack a diagnosis or people with physical disabilities. Recent usage has come to mean “people who do things that hurt other people”, but this is harmful as well; using words like “freak” or “weirdo” which mean “socially atypical behaviour” to refer to people who are actually doing things that hurt other people conflates the two, and often has a side effect of hurting disabled people who see it.

3. Calling ND ccs like Technoblade monotone/emotionless. While the term “monotone” isn’t ableist in and of itself, the fact that it’s being used against a neurodivergent man who emotes in a different way to neurotypical people rubs a lot of ND people the wrong way. I’ve partially discussed this here, in a tweet responding to a person who said that c!Technoblade, quote, “has no human capabilities like emotion for example”. This, however, is not something contained to c!Technoblade — one of the most common jokes in this fandom is how rare it is to hear emotion in Technoblade’s voice.

The issue with that is that neurodivergent people almost universally agree that Technoblade emotes perfectly fine, and, in fact, emotes more freely and clearly than a lot of others do. Hence, calling him monotone perpetuates the idea of ND people as emotionless/less able to be hurt/less expressive, which often hurts us. It also contributes to the dehumanisation of ND people — related to how ND symptoms are most often seen in robots or monsters in shows — and is generally extremely harmful, on top of being untrue.

4. Related to point 3: the infantilisation of ND ccs like Tubbo and Dream, usually paired with assigning “caretakers” of their friends, like Tommy and George. This is about the posts that spread like “omg, Tommy helps Tubbo with his dyslexia, that’s so cute” or “omg George is so patient with Dream, I could never sit through that” on videos of Dream vocally stimming because of his ADHD. This is another post that talks about this, but I wanted to talk more about why this is harmful here.

4a) With Tubbo’s dyslexia, from someone with dyslexia, it isn’t harmful to correct his spelling and move on. Personally, I think this is helpful — others will think it’s condescending, because not all ND people are the same — but as the above linked post mentions, this is not what Tubbo’s twitch chat does. This is not what the comments say. It’s all things about how it’s “so cute” that Tubbo can’t spell, how Tommy/Ranboo are “so patient” with correcting him. This is rooted in the need to constantly watch over ND people while acting like we can't live our lives without someone having us under constant vigilance. It feels like savior-complex ableism, like people are trying so hard to not be ableist that they spin back around to hurting us instead. And it feels like we are being treated like children. Like we are lesser than, and need to be monitored/watched over.

4b) Similarly to what people do with Tubbo, the comments on posts about Dream’s vocal stimming are often full of people calling George “patient” for “dealing with it”, or claiming they “wouldn’t be able to handle it”. This is inherently ableist. They’re praising George for basic human decency towards ND people, and claiming in the same breath that they wouldn’t be able to do that themselves. And then there’s these.

These comments infantilise Dream — claiming he “wouldn’t be able to stop/calm down” without George’s help, implying he’d “spiral out of control” or claiming “everyone is now my child”. It’s all related to the infantilisation of ND people, and the belief that without help/a caretaker we cannot take care of ourselves.

5. The way people treat ccs who likely have undiagnosed neurodivergencies, like Wilbur. Wilbur has openly admitted on stream before that his parents considered getting him an autism diagnosis. He also openly admits on stream that he has habits he doesn’t understand why he does, and hyperfixates on things for months at a time and doesn’t know why. Posts like this have gone around Tumblr, in which Wilbur displays blatantly ND traits.

And fandom generally calls him weird for expressing those traits. This video where he talks about eating sand because he likes the texture? That’s an ND trait. This video where he talks about his irrational hatred for anteaters? While mostly a joke, irrational hatred of something when you can’t explain/understand/articulate why is also a common ND trait. He spends 20 minutes during a Philza stream info-dumping about self-sustaining ecosystems (sharing the photo, because I think it’s really cool) and fandom begins calling them “Wilbur’s weird jars”. It’s demeaning to people who infodump, and as a ND person who hyperfixates and infodumps it’s really upsetting to see. It’s also upsetting to see other ND traits being called “weird” or “freaky” & made out to be soley some funny joke for NT people to laugh at us about.

Additionally: It’s strange to me that people think it’s okay to make fun of ND traits just because they know that or perceive that the person they’re making fun of is NT. It’s still making fun of ND traits. It’s still insulting ND people. It’s still ableist as hell. Why is it okay just because the person is NT?

6. Implying that c!Ranboo’s enderwalking is inherently violent. Ranboo has shown us time and time again that the enderwalk state isn’t a violent state. That the enderwalk state isn’t a seperate version of c!Ranboo that does horrific things. Why, then, is it so common to imply that Ranboo would be violent and hurt people why he’s enderwalking?

It comes back to the perception of c!Ranboo as a character with “two halves”, or as a character with DID. Ranboo has made it clear that his character does not have DID, but this headcanon about his character persists, and it persists in a way that is directly harmful to people with DID — and to people who dissociate or sleepwalk. We do not commit horrific acts while we dissociate, while we’re sleepwalking, because the majority of the time we’re just checked out, our body is on autopilot. Insinuating that we do is harmful. Insinuating that Ranboo has “another half” that’s inherently violent or evil is harmful to people with DID. I’m not going to ask you to stop writing these headcanons etc, but please consider the effect you have on people before you do.

7. Related to point 6: the perception of c!Ranboo as “soft” and “cute” and/or perfectly moral because of his canonical anxiety. This is really harmful, and comes once again from the infantilisation of disorders like anxiety and depression. Ranboo has made clear time and time again that his character isn’t moral, and in fact is extremely inconsistent. He’s portrayed his character as inconsistent, as someone who hurts his friends unintentionally and often due to his want to please everyone, and yet he’s constantly seen as “soft/pure/the only moral one” because of his anxiety causing to have repeated and consistent spirals on-screen. These spirals are not healthy. They don’t indicate his “perfect morals” or make him more moral than anyone else on the SMP. Please stop infantilising people with anxiety, it’s really hurtful.

8. Implying that c!Technoblade is inherently a violent person because of his voices. I’ll admit here: my hallucinations are visual. I do not get auditory hallucinations, and I cannot speak for people who do. But many people have spoken out about this, and discussed how talking about Technoblade as an inherently violent character because of his voices is harmful, and a stereotype of people with schizophrenia.

Technoblade’s character is, in and of itself, inherently a stereotype (despite the fact that his chat are more likely to be a supernatural entity than a symptom of a disorder such as schizophrenia) in that the idea of “hearing voices that encourage violence” is a stereotype of people with schizophrenia. As an actual symptom, is a very uncommon one. More common auditory hallucinations for people with schizophrenia or psychosis are, reportedly, whispers or unrelated conversation. One of my friends hears screaming.

But the issue is with the implication that c!Technoblade is “driven to violence” by the voices. Canonically, he has dealt with the “bloodlust” of chat by grinding withers. He’s perfectly capable of being peaceful, even with “voices pushing for violence”, and he’s perfectly capable of being violent without the “voices” influence. It’s the connotations and the history that fandom has in demonising and villainising c!Technoblade for even having the “voices” in the first place, and acting having them makes him inherently violent and unstable. There’s precedent for that already in society, and it’s not okay to perpetuate it.

[Edit: as of 22/05/2021, I do experience auditory hallucinations, and I can confirm that I am not any more violent, and the voices I hear don’t push me to violence. The clearest one just said ‘click’ in my ear.]

9. Jokes about brain damage and the use of “brainrot” as a term. I made a post about how common jokes about brain damage are here, and I would like to reiterate bits of it.

Jokes like these are really really normalized in modern society. I’m sure a lot of you didn’t even register it as wrong, and that isn’t a moral failing! It’s a norm in society, and that means the majority of people arent going to register it as something hurtful, because it’s said so often. But it does still hurt. The idea of using a disability as an insult is really harmful and it feels dehumanizing, like our disability makes us lesser, something that should be laughed at.

“Brainrot” as a term originated in Skyrim, as a disease that literally rotted your brain. However, as a term, it has very similar connotations to “brain damaged” and has been used in similarly joking and insulting ways. It’s something that feels really off to me and other neurodivergent people to see used by neurotypical people. It even sometimes feels uncomfortable when used by neurodivergent people, even if it’s used in positive ways. I know quite a few people who have removed it from their vocab completely because of the connotations, and I have personally done the same. Once again, I am just asking you to please consider your words before you use them.

10. Calling c!Wilbur during his Pogtopia Arc “Vilbur”. Yes, he was a villain. Yes, he hurt people. But c!Wilbur during the Pogtopia Arc only has one major difference from c!Wilbur during the L’Manburg Arc: a visible depiction of mental illness, specifically paranoia and psychosis. Treating him as a seperate person and calling that seperate person “Vilbur” comes across as extremely hurtful, and contributes to the villainisation of mentally ill people. His mental illness does not excuse him from hurting people, but calling c!Wilbur “Vilbur” upsets a lot of us, because wether or not it’s intended, it feels reductive, hurtful, and insulting.

If you got to the end of this post, thank you so much for reading. I hope that this helped you recognise things that you might not have known were ableist, and that you consider what I’ve said here. I also know that I haven’t addressed everything ableist that’s spread through the MCYT fandom community, so if you’re ND and have something you’d like to add, please feel free.