#but i still feel it
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Oh god I'm so conflicted now aaaaa-
Can... can I still use she/her pronouns even though I'm a trans male?
edit: IM USING SHE/HER LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO/vpos
#everything hasn't been the same ever since i discovered boygirl#boygirlboy#boydoxgirl#quasiboygirl#genderfluid trans guy#i mean I rarely feel like using she/her#but i still feel it#hellllp
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i was so anxious today i couldnt even talk 2 my mom or sister i got hit w the mutism beam so hard i tried my absolute hardest but all i could do was Sit there and strain ,,, its been so bad ive lost my ability to react too and i feel like i was finally getting the hang of that. im so worried ive lost it entirely again
#finally learned to smile and react to things people said i finally got that human shit down#n now its gone o(-<#and im the stone statue lil freak who cant talk or move or do anything again#im that kid who gets made fun of just so people can see the lack of emotion#but i still feel it#i just dont know how to show anything#its so unnatural for me#but finally i learned#mostly from being at the program n then work#i was quicker too#my responses werent as delayed#but now im right back where i started#and i am so exhausted i dont know if i can get there again
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I'm still so angry and sad about not being able to show my so-called friends anything of this game via streaming bc they didn't care
which hits especially hard bc I sat through numerous hours of streams when some of them showcased me games I had 0 interest in but I thought I'd watch regardess bc I thought it'd be fun to see their excitement, and it was indeed fun despite me not caring for the game
hell, when I finally was able to get a laptop that would be able to run games, one of the main features when making my choice was to be able to stream elden ring on discord specifically and all the system requirements for that
it's been well over a year ago but I still am extremely angry about it, and I know it will keep bothering me for years
#this scenario happened so many times#i truly don't believe in friendship anymore#but this anger is so annoying it's unreal i wish it went away#i don't want it#but i still feel it#oh well. people are dying kim
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funny thing is I don't really have any interest in hoarding knowledge or resources for myself in any way, I'm just bad at publishing stuff because I feel like that'd require a bit more stringent quality control than what I might expect of something made largely for my own use.
sometimes I think maybe I should set up something like a google drive or a git or something to just throw my personal- and work-in-progress stuff for people who are interested, but I dunno what limits for space or bandwidth or anything are like.
like I'm sure some people would possibly find the ColorSet unpacker python script useful?? It kinda sucks through and I want to make a better version of it and maybe one that could work as a standalone executable instead? and possibly a packer counterpart to the unpacker?? But also I keep thinking like "would this even be useful to anyone lmao??"
in theory you could probably make some kind of art program plugin that does all of this for you - even the bit with loading actual colorset information into layered colorset pairs, but I mean that's a lot of effort and I still largely use a 20+ year old version of Paint Shop Pro myself so...
#honestly the thing is i think more people should be able to do what i do#whether that is posing or model editing or whatever#keeping the knowledge exclusive only aid those who seek profit#while making it public empowers us all to create#imo that's what real democratisation of art is#giving everyone access to the tools and the knowledge involved#and hoping that if they come up with some new ideas or techniques#they too will give it back to the community for everyone's benefit#there's that expression about standing on the shoulders of giants#but look the great man theory of history is kinda bullshit#we're not standing on the shoulders of giants#we're standing on the shoulders of all of humanity#both those past and present#this is why i love openly collaborative environments#like open source or a lot of modding scenes or the like#sure you still get clashing egos and drama and whatever#but there's this idea that if we openly share our work then we all benefit#it's a rejection of the singular great man#the one visionary auteur#and instead embracing our community-driven nature#look this is something of an ideological thing for me ok#i suck at sharing stuff not because i think sharing is bad#but because i think the things i do aren't good enough#i know that's a silly thing to feel#but i still feel it#emotions care little for reason
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the worst part about trauma is you know it's irrational and not healthy to be so scared of a bunch of ufcking online creators just because the fucked up a minecraft rp's ending but still feeling like as soon as you tune in to any of their streams all your gonna hear is them laughing about how funny it was to torture an abuse victim and then throw the whole story away. i'm so fucking nonsensical. it would be funny if it didn't make me feel so sick.
#rant#vent#again I am Aware This Is Not A Logical Way To think Or Feel#but I still Feel It#and it's really not fun
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liking someone platonically is so embarrassing like. yeah i admire you. yeah i think about you all the time. yeah i look forward to every time i see you even if it's only for a minute. yeah it's all platonic and yeah i couldn't explain this because it'd sound romantic. fucking hell
#this is secretly a positivity post#aromantic#aromantism#platonic crush#robyn-i-guess#adding onto these tags as i think some people might not understand#this is about platonic crushes#not just loving your friends but genuinely being obsessed with them in a way that's still platonic#i'm finally muting this post#sorry friends i hope you all have good luck with your feelings
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It's in the eye of the beholder
#comic#birds#my art#I've had this idea for a while#after a lecture that talked about how traits we consider cute are traits found in babies#I feel like birds would have a very different definition of cute from us#anyway after making the bird tutorial I feel the pressure to draw perfect bird anatomy#but tbh I still just wing it a lot of the time!!#hehe “wing it”
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Something, something, what if it all went really wrong and they were forced to speed-run the brotherly bonding
#gravity falls#stanford pines#ford pines#stanley pines#gravity falls au#gravity falls fanart#injury#cw injury#I am still feeling new to the GF fandom I'm sorry if this is silly hahah#But all of these aus y'all are making has me so HOOKED#ABSOLUTELY FERAL#stan and ford#pines twins#Also practising anatomy and such!!!#The perfect guys for that#Art tag
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u ever see someone with extremely fucked up views (or actions) and think wowww if a couple of things in my life went the tiniest bit differently that would have been me
#iso.txt#i feel like i have the right kind of mindset to have been radicalised into some . not good things if i hadnt seen reason#like the right set of neuroses and stuff.#briefly i guess i was.#i honestly still sort of struggle sometimes to convince myself of some things i *know* i should believe i know are right. idk.
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I could think of no better way to share the news than this!
So when I was 17, my cat went missing and I'd given up hope of ever seeing him again.
Until on Monday, 27th of May, 2024, my friend sent me a FB post asking 'isn't that your mother?' about the person named on the microchip.
Here he is! 16 years old, and found safe, twelve whole years after he went missing!
Yesterday (Tuesday the 28th of May, 2024) I went to the rescue that had him, and I reclaimed my boy, renaming him Artie! (He'd originally been called 'Cat' because my mother and I couldn't decide on a name)
He's home safe with me now, currently inhabiting my bathroom and purring up a storm every time someone goes in there!
I'll be doing slow introductions between him and my current cat to give them the best possible chance of living in harmony!
Here's some pictures of Artie once we let him out of the carrier:
#personal#okay to reblog#my cat#cat people#honestly i can't believe this#like it happened to me and it still feels so fanciful and unreal#like something out of a children's story book or something#he's such a good boy!#he purrs like a motorbike and loves his brushy!!!#edited to add the flag because terfs found this post#people that hate my existence don't get to celebrate my cat
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Please note. The orange one is not included because A. He isn’t a billionaire. And B. Calling him obnoxious is too kind for him.
#billionaire#rich people#Elon would just be insufferable#just the worst case of “needs to be the smartest kid in the room syndrome ever#I feel Zuckerberg has actually worked on himself a lot lately and he would be reasonably chill to hang out with#still evil#but he doesn’t come across as insecure alien anymore#bezos also seems like he’d actually be a cool guy to hang out with#again. still super evil#but I think I could survive a few hours stuck with him without bludgeoning myself to death
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Sometimes I think about my old manager at work who, in order to prove that the organisation was safe for trans people, told me about a fellow trans employee—a woman who was passing! who wasn’t out to me or to anyone else!—and about how chill everyone in management had been about her needing to take time off TO GET VAGINOPLASTY. He was not her manager! He was not her friend! He did not work in HR! There was no way he could have come into this PRIVATE MEDICAL INFORMATION without being told by another manager who had gossiped. And even if there had been, why the fuck was it any of my business!
Likewise, a friend of mine was just told by a school principal about how a prospective school was safe for trans kids… because a trans girl whose parents don’t affirm her at home is able to be affirmed at school. This information about this child’s gender and home environment was relayed along with her FUCKING GRADE LEVEL. This incredibly vulnerable kid was wheeled out as a selling point by the school with way more than enough information to figure out who she was.
In order to make the argument that a place is safe for trans people, cis people are wayyyy too happy to give out private information about trans people. With allies like these, who needs enemies!!!
#trans politics#ally bullshit#I don’t know that this doesn’t go both ways… I suspect I have been used as an example myself! but I still feel it’s a#transmisogyny#moment. like. Outing a trans girl to indicate safety to a transmasc? that’s not without a Tone.
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hate when you find a character whose so infuriatingly Your Type that its embarrassing like yeahg no one is gonna be surprised when i announce this is my new Guy Of The Month
#shush jesse#EDIT from future me: this post was about astarion but im fully a galegirl (gendy neutch) now so idk what that says#he's also my type for what its worth#this post abt astarion#hes just so painfully on brand for me#i know so little about him though is the thing but i still feel insane#but i cant play the game and i dont want to watch anyone play it and i dont want spoilers#so like.....secondhand blorbo right now
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see 0 note flop posts aren't that bad when they're personal but 0 note fandom posts feel literally so bad. like if you don't wanna play toys with me anymore just say that. i'll pack up my super cool awesome things and go and i'll sit on the other side of the playground by myself and i won't even look at you. fuck
#yes i AM thinking about a particular post. no it wasn't that good but still. a moment of heartache for sure#like it feels so bad but im too prou dto delete it and also too lazy
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License to Kitty.
#dungeon meshi#izutsumi#marcille donato#chilchuk tims#I still stand by my tags on the Izutsumi character study piece I did in January - but I will repeat myself on a few lines here:#I *really* love this character. I love that all of the dungeon meshi crew are complicated and have difficult to love components.#But Izutsumi is a particular kind of hard to love. I foresee a lot of people being turned off by her abrasiveness and lack of teamwork.#She is very self-centered and openly goes against what the party agrees on.#She's a picky eater in a story that is 50% about eating good and healthy food!#It is in part about her growth but admittedly even *then* she remains rather true to her self-centeredness.#Even though she isn't as nice or funny or compassionate as the others...Izutsumi is still someone worth loving.#Even the more difficult people are someone worth loving.#And those people in turn are people who have something and someone they love.#She may be a girlcat but she is the most human of them all.#I hope that if you are an anime only watcher and are feeling put off by her at the moment; you'll give her a chance.#By the way: *yes* I worked very hard to draw that skateboard pose. It was worth it.#EDIT: HAPPY 500th POST OF POORLY-DRAW-MDZS!!! What a comic to commemorate the milestone with!
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world_of_engineering_75 on Instagram
#Instagram#tiger#tiger art#animator#automaton#(not exactly but with similar level of awesomeness)#puppetry#puppet#cool#awesome#I love this#it feels so real#and ppl reaction. knowing it's not the real one. they still lose their shit!😆#cool video#animatronic#cgi can choke
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