#but i still feel it
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This. When Wendy cried like this, I felt it so deep down in my soul that I could barely breathe. Just watching her cry felt so visceral. Because that’s always been me.
It always feels like this is how I end up. Everyone’s always okay but me. How many times have I cried this violently as I missed out? Whether I ruined everyone else’s fun, or had to watch them go off to have fun without me… I’ve felt it all. Every time, I’m the one who has to stay home.
I don’t know if everyone else is always fine, or if they’re really good at masking their own problems, but it’s always mine that fuck me every time.
It can be an oddly specific event, and my body will find an even more oddly specific sickness to make sure I can’t do just that.
It sucks.
So that’s why when I saw Wendy cry like this, as she knew her friends were participating in the grand magic games without her, it felt no different than as if it was me laying in that bed.
#found this in my drafts today#i wrote this quite a while ago#but i still feel it#i cant escape it#today again i am Wendy#staying home as my family that is only here for the holidays goes off to have fun without me#fuck chronic illness#it’s always been chronic illness#fairy tail#personal#vent#wendy marvell#chronic illness#ibs
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Oh god I'm so conflicted now aaaaa-
Can... can I still use she/her pronouns even though I'm a trans male?
edit: IM USING SHE/HER LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO/vpos
#everything hasn't been the same ever since i discovered boygirl#boygirlboy#boydoxgirl#quasiboygirl#genderfluid trans guy#i mean I rarely feel like using she/her#but i still feel it#hellllp
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I'm still so angry and sad about not being able to show my so-called friends anything of this game via streaming bc they didn't care
which hits especially hard bc I sat through numerous hours of streams when some of them showcased me games I had 0 interest in but I thought I'd watch regardess bc I thought it'd be fun to see their excitement, and it was indeed fun despite me not caring for the game
hell, when I finally was able to get a laptop that would be able to run games, one of the main features when making my choice was to be able to stream elden ring on discord specifically and all the system requirements for that
it's been well over a year ago but I still am extremely angry about it, and I know it will keep bothering me for years
#this scenario happened so many times#i truly don't believe in friendship anymore#but this anger is so annoying it's unreal i wish it went away#i don't want it#but i still feel it#oh well. people are dying kim
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funny thing is I don't really have any interest in hoarding knowledge or resources for myself in any way, I'm just bad at publishing stuff because I feel like that'd require a bit more stringent quality control than what I might expect of something made largely for my own use.
sometimes I think maybe I should set up something like a google drive or a git or something to just throw my personal- and work-in-progress stuff for people who are interested, but I dunno what limits for space or bandwidth or anything are like.
like I'm sure some people would possibly find the ColorSet unpacker python script useful?? It kinda sucks through and I want to make a better version of it and maybe one that could work as a standalone executable instead? and possibly a packer counterpart to the unpacker?? But also I keep thinking like "would this even be useful to anyone lmao??"
in theory you could probably make some kind of art program plugin that does all of this for you - even the bit with loading actual colorset information into layered colorset pairs, but I mean that's a lot of effort and I still largely use a 20+ year old version of Paint Shop Pro myself so...
#honestly the thing is i think more people should be able to do what i do#whether that is posing or model editing or whatever#keeping the knowledge exclusive only aid those who seek profit#while making it public empowers us all to create#imo that's what real democratisation of art is#giving everyone access to the tools and the knowledge involved#and hoping that if they come up with some new ideas or techniques#they too will give it back to the community for everyone's benefit#there's that expression about standing on the shoulders of giants#but look the great man theory of history is kinda bullshit#we're not standing on the shoulders of giants#we're standing on the shoulders of all of humanity#both those past and present#this is why i love openly collaborative environments#like open source or a lot of modding scenes or the like#sure you still get clashing egos and drama and whatever#but there's this idea that if we openly share our work then we all benefit#it's a rejection of the singular great man#the one visionary auteur#and instead embracing our community-driven nature#look this is something of an ideological thing for me ok#i suck at sharing stuff not because i think sharing is bad#but because i think the things i do aren't good enough#i know that's a silly thing to feel#but i still feel it#emotions care little for reason
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liking someone platonically is so embarrassing like. yeah i admire you. yeah i think about you all the time. yeah i look forward to every time i see you even if it's only for a minute. yeah it's all platonic and yeah i couldn't explain this because it'd sound romantic. fucking hell
#this is secretly a positivity post#aromantic#aromantism#platonic crush#robyn-i-guess#adding onto these tags as i think some people might not understand#this is about platonic crushes#not just loving your friends but genuinely being obsessed with them in a way that's still platonic#i'm finally muting this post#sorry friends i hope you all have good luck with your feelings
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work all night on a drink of rum
daylight come and me wan go home
stack banana til the morning come
daylight come and me wan go home
come mr tallyman tally me banana
daylight come and me wan go home
come mr tallyman tally me banana
daylight come and me wan go home
lift six foot seven foot eight foot bunch
daylight come and me wan go home
six foot seven foot eight foot bunch
daylight come and me wan go home
day
me say dayo
daylight come and me wan go home
day
me say day
me say day
me say dayo
daylight come and me wan go home
a beautiful bunch of ripe banana
daylight come and me wan go home
hide the deadly black tarantula
daylight come and me wan go home
lift six foot seven foot eight foot bunch
daylight come and me wan go home
six foot seven foot eight foot bunch
daylight come and me wan go home
day
me say dayo
daylight come and me wan go home
day
me say day
me say day
me say dayo
daylight come and me wan go home
come mr tallyman tally me banana
daylight come and me wan go home
come mr tallyman tally me banana
daylight come and me wan go home
dayo
dayo
daylight come and me wan go home
day
me say day
me say day
me say dayo
daylight come and me wan go home
#someone suggested i turn off reblogs. to that i say. i’m not a fucking quitter#esp when i get to see my husband dancing in my notifs every time this gets a note#since this reached 30k notes i wanted to say that people in the notes saying you shouldn’t feel safe around horses are right#story time :) when i was very little i got kicked in the face by a horse.#obviously this is very dangerous and i could have been concussed but there was no bleeding or bruising or no teeth knocked out#so my family didn’t believe me and even tried to convince me that it never happened at all. accused me of lying about it#it was specifically my grandma (who i realized much later in life was extremely emotionally abusive) who insisted i was lying.#but i remember it clearly. i know that it happened. i know that it struck my front teeth and knocked me to the ground#and i have never felt safe around horses since <3 or my family actually#ahem. i always felt safe around my grandparents. ‘‘not anymore’’ said knife grandma#are you still reading this?#reality is an illusion the universe is a hologram#you just lost the game#speaking of loss#|#|/#||#|_
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It's in the eye of the beholder
#comic#birds#my art#I've had this idea for a while#after a lecture that talked about how traits we consider cute are traits found in babies#I feel like birds would have a very different definition of cute from us#anyway after making the bird tutorial I feel the pressure to draw perfect bird anatomy#but tbh I still just wing it a lot of the time!!#hehe “wing it”
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me, eating a pile of nuts, cheese, and apple: mmmm tasty
the medieval peasant in my head watching me eat: thou knowst what would MAKETH this meal? dried fruits.
me, getting out the raisins: god damn, etheldred, you are SO right
the medieval peasant in my head: yet thou art still not heeding mine words regarding the blasphemy
#i never feel closer to medieval peasants than when i eat a meal of apple and cheese#(<- revised gluten free version (used to be cheese and bread))#the nuts are a recent addition but still very medieval feeling#and dried fruits???? oh babey now that's not just an after dinner snack that's a whole entire meal
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Dumb thing that would not leave my brain
#jayvik#arcane#viktor#jayce talis#suggestive#bluesky enjoyed this one way more than i thought so i figured id toss it here too#ive gotten such sweet nice comments on my last triptych drawings#fellow jayviks you are so niceys#stop enabling me!!!! ill want to draw more!!!!#i STILL cant get jayce's face right. i feel like flynn rider#i hate hate hate drawing anything inorganic especially in perspective#if i have to draw a straight line or an ellipse its game over#so it truly speaks to my love for The Character that ive willingly drawn viktor's brace several times lol
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Something, something, what if it all went really wrong and they were forced to speed-run the brotherly bonding
#gravity falls#stanford pines#ford pines#stanley pines#gravity falls au#gravity falls fanart#injury#cw injury#I am still feeling new to the GF fandom I'm sorry if this is silly hahah#But all of these aus y'all are making has me so HOOKED#ABSOLUTELY FERAL#stan and ford#pines twins#Also practising anatomy and such!!!#The perfect guys for that#Art tag
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u ever see someone with extremely fucked up views (or actions) and think wowww if a couple of things in my life went the tiniest bit differently that would have been me
#iso.txt#i feel like i have the right kind of mindset to have been radicalised into some . not good things if i hadnt seen reason#like the right set of neuroses and stuff.#briefly i guess i was.#i honestly still sort of struggle sometimes to convince myself of some things i *know* i should believe i know are right. idk.
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I could think of no better way to share the news than this!
So when I was 17, my cat went missing and I'd given up hope of ever seeing him again.
Until on Monday, 27th of May, 2024, my friend sent me a FB post asking 'isn't that your mother?' about the person named on the microchip.
Here he is! 16 years old, and found safe, twelve whole years after he went missing!
Yesterday (Tuesday the 28th of May, 2024) I went to the rescue that had him, and I reclaimed my boy, renaming him Artie! (He'd originally been called 'Cat' because my mother and I couldn't decide on a name)
He's home safe with me now, currently inhabiting my bathroom and purring up a storm every time someone goes in there!
I'll be doing slow introductions between him and my current cat to give them the best possible chance of living in harmony!
Here's some pictures of Artie once we let him out of the carrier:
#personal#okay to reblog#my cat#cat people#honestly i can't believe this#like it happened to me and it still feels so fanciful and unreal#like something out of a children's story book or something#he's such a good boy!#he purrs like a motorbike and loves his brushy!!!#edited to add the flag because terfs found this post#people that hate my existence don't get to celebrate my cat
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Please note. The orange one is not included because A. He isn’t a billionaire. And B. Calling him obnoxious is too kind for him.
#billionaire#rich people#Elon would just be insufferable#just the worst case of “needs to be the smartest kid in the room syndrome ever#I feel Zuckerberg has actually worked on himself a lot lately and he would be reasonably chill to hang out with#still evil#but he doesn’t come across as insecure alien anymore#bezos also seems like he’d actually be a cool guy to hang out with#again. still super evil#but I think I could survive a few hours stuck with him without bludgeoning myself to death
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hate when you find a character whose so infuriatingly Your Type that its embarrassing like yeahg no one is gonna be surprised when i announce this is my new Guy Of The Month
#shush jesse#EDIT from future me: this post was about astarion but im fully a galegirl (gendy neutch) now so idk what that says#he's also my type for what its worth#this post abt astarion#hes just so painfully on brand for me#i know so little about him though is the thing but i still feel insane#but i cant play the game and i dont want to watch anyone play it and i dont want spoilers#so like.....secondhand blorbo right now
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see 0 note flop posts aren't that bad when they're personal but 0 note fandom posts feel literally so bad. like if you don't wanna play toys with me anymore just say that. i'll pack up my super cool awesome things and go and i'll sit on the other side of the playground by myself and i won't even look at you. fuck
#yes i AM thinking about a particular post. no it wasn't that good but still. a moment of heartache for sure#like it feels so bad but im too prou dto delete it and also too lazy
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License to Kitty.
#dungeon meshi#izutsumi#marcille donato#chilchuk tims#I still stand by my tags on the Izutsumi character study piece I did in January - but I will repeat myself on a few lines here:#I *really* love this character. I love that all of the dungeon meshi crew are complicated and have difficult to love components.#But Izutsumi is a particular kind of hard to love. I foresee a lot of people being turned off by her abrasiveness and lack of teamwork.#She is very self-centered and openly goes against what the party agrees on.#She's a picky eater in a story that is 50% about eating good and healthy food!#It is in part about her growth but admittedly even *then* she remains rather true to her self-centeredness.#Even though she isn't as nice or funny or compassionate as the others...Izutsumi is still someone worth loving.#Even the more difficult people are someone worth loving.#And those people in turn are people who have something and someone they love.#She may be a girlcat but she is the most human of them all.#I hope that if you are an anime only watcher and are feeling put off by her at the moment; you'll give her a chance.#By the way: *yes* I worked very hard to draw that skateboard pose. It was worth it.#EDIT: HAPPY 500th POST OF POORLY-DRAW-MDZS!!! What a comic to commemorate the milestone with!
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