#but i simply cannot believe she wouldn't be the biggest supporter

[change-the-rules]

look violet bridgerton is so desperate for All her children to find a love match she asked colin if he had any friends with an interest in tidying dogs bc of that pamphlet eloise picked up on her whistledown hunt you cannot tell me she wouldn't accept elosie loving a woman even if that woman was cressida cowper

[papirouge]

NEVER forget despite what pathological liars say, mainstream medias were in their vast majority, pro Amber.

Social media/the people, on the other hand, was siding with Johnny.

That's why so many pro Amber freaked out at the actual hate movement against Amber : they simply cannot stomach the fact that media don't control people anymore and that the common citizen can now make their own voice heard (no pun intended) loud and clear.

It was very interesting to see pro Heard complain about "the media circus" surrounding this case, as if the "society of spectacle" wasn't already a well documented observation of modern communications dynamics for the last few decades - and most importantly, not exclusive to the Depp v Heard case or society's (alleged) rampant misogyny.....

They precisely act like legacy medias which, feeling their power & influence significantly lowering by the time, attempt to remove any credibility to grassroot reinfo movement, calling them conspiracy theorists, fake news, etc.

... this reminds you of something? Pro Heard obsessively called the movement in support of Johnny "PR smear campaign" or bots. It wouldn't remotely occur to them that Johnny Depp overwhelming support in the general public was genuine, and could be rationally explained by the fact he's been one of Hollywood's most popular actor for decades with iconic roles (Edward Scissorhands, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sleepy Hollow, Cry Baby, etc.) and mostly importantly interpreted one of Disney live action movie most beloved character: Jack Sparrow. Heard was a literally a 'who' next to him, which explains why she would never be able to leverage support in such a conflicting case (so no, it doesn't necessarily has to be misogyny)

They are obsessed in controlling the narrative, even if that means lying consistently about factual reality.

Look at them obsessively keeping tabs on whoever liked Johnny Depp first post trial Instagram post, and making entire lists off of them to be canceled....

Unsurprisingly they also suddenly started cussing out popular jury who aren't "law professionals" just because the court decision didn't give the ruling they expected... Those activists pretending to care about the people are actually the biggest elitists.

Their coping about "the tide is turning" or "I can't wait for the documentary exposing how we all wronged Amber Heard" never fails making me wonder: "who's the we?" Mainstream media were and are still in their vast majority pro Heard. The general public? They mostly moved on and rejoiced at Depp winning his case. They will never apologize or feel sorry for Heard because they don't think she deserves any apology. People don't owe nothing to celebrities. Crime of thought or opinion isn't a thing.

This is the internet: Amber Heard is not the first, last, or the only laughing stock it collectively decided to pick on for any season. And the internet will never feel sorry. Deal with it.

Tbh I also blame the #freebritney movement that made too many of you believe that TMZ and paparazzi harassing celebrities represented regular citizens and that people actively sought out to ruin her... Zoomers don't seem to grasp early 00s people were much more removed from "field reportreport" as we are today, which means they had a more apathetic perspective on celebrity struggles. If media decided to milk this repentance shtick regarding their collective coverage of Britney antics back then to revamp their image, that's on them, but expecting this dynamic onto random people (not media news) who didn't have any say on media narrative is wishful thinking....

Amber Heard is none of your friend, sister, wife or mother. None of you know her. None of you talked to her, and never will. So it's weird to me how some of you are hellbent acting like we owed anything to her.

Why elevating your parasocial involvement in a millionaire celebrity civil case as a cautionary tale for ALL women?

[rex-and-regina]

I need to talk about the Coronation.

I cannot believe this finally happened. I am so, so, happy.

The coronation was in the middle of the night where I live, and I didn't stay up to watch it. I woke up freaking out. Did Catherine wear a tiara? Was Camilla's dress pretty? Was the music good? Did everything go well?

When I went downstairs, a recording was playing on the BBC channel. It was close to the end, so I had missed the crowning. But the orchestra was playing, and it was just so... magical. The conductor was so animated and alive. The musicians were so flawless. The sounds were heavenly, and coupled with the acoustics of the abbey, it was so... SPECIAL. I was already entranced, and then the King and Queen appeared, and I was literally blown away. THE ROBES! THE CROWNS! Then, the camera panned to William, Catherine, and Charlotte.

For some reason, I barely noticed the adults at first- my eyes went immediately to Charlotte. She was an ANGEL. So beautiful. I then saw Catherine. I had been literally PRAYING for a tiara. I was so anxious. It was so important to me.

Catherine was not wearing a tiara. To my shock, I felt not one trace of disappointment. I honestly didn't even care! It all suddenly seemed so silly and trivial. Catherine looked great. Not breathtaking- but I'm actually so glad she didn't wear something breathtaking. Because, for this event, she looked absolutely perfect. I hadn't even noticed her at first. And that was OK. She was not the star of the show, and that was how it should have been. She's always gorgeous. She always will be.

William... he looked so fancy... I was so happy. He's rarely seen wearing anything other than a blue suit and tie. He looked a little silly, but in a good way. I've complained about him being boring before, but he's honestly such a good man. He loves and supports his father, and his happiness and pride were evident. He's such a good man. I felt so proud of them both.

From the angle the camera was at, Harry was completely blocked by Anne's hat. Couldn't see his face one bit. Made me laugh. I'm glad he was there, though. No matter what, Charles loves both his sons so much. I am very grateful that Harry showed up for him.

Camilla. I was very worried about her dress. I KNEW it was going to be that shape, even though I was hoping for a ballgown. I kept wishing that she would become more fashionable, more glamorous. I thought her dress was SUCH a big deal and it had to be PERFECT. But then I saw her.

Camilla's dress was not what I would have chosen. But it was literally exactly what I had expected from her. And as soon as she walked out, I was in awe. Camilla was radiant. Glowing. And, standing in that predictable dress, wearing that crown and those robes, smiling, she looked perfect. It was real. She was the Queen. I almost teared up. And I finally realized- if Camilla had worn anything else, it wouldn't have been the same. She wore exactly what I knew she would. It was the kind of thing that would normally make me shake my head, sigh, smile, and say "Oh, Camilla." It was perfect because she wasn't anybody else, she hadn't done anything unexpected. She may be the Queen, but she's also just... Camilla. She'll never change. And I never, ever want her to.

Charles was a wonderful, kingly king. Why did I complain about him not wearing breeches? Honestly, thank God he wasn't in breeches. He looked wonderful. Charles. This was the biggest day of his life. He had a slight smile on his face, but inside, he must have been simply elated. Because everything had gone, not only well, but perfect. It was absolutely perfect.

I turned off the television as Their Majesties departed in the Golden State Coach. The King was finally allowing himself a full smile. The Queen was waving to the soldiers as they passed. It was perfect.

PERFECT.

I opened Tumblr and watched a few clips from all that I missed. I was busy, but now I'm going to go watch some more! I'm dying to see the moment of crowning!

[tomhiddelstonandzaynmalik]

FLUFF ALPHABET WARREN WORTHINGTON III X FEM READER PART 3

(part 1) (part 2)

A/N: HEY BITCHES, IT'S FINALLY FINISHED !!! This is the last part of the fluff alphabet and omg I thought it was never going to happen bc I've been busy doing life stuff and well my brain had been focused on some other stuff. Either way, here she is! hope you like it anddddd if you want me to do something in particular I'm down for it! I'll write about this birdboi or our beloved silverboi any time. xoxo

S - Support - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Your boyfriend is your biggest fan! Into his eyes, there is nothing you cannot do! Seriously, you are the most capable, powerful and decisive person he's ever met. Or so he thinks, Warren's perception of you can be a little love-clouded sometimes, which can get annoying because of how high the pedestal he's put you in can be. And it sucks because there had been numerous times, mostly at the beginning of your relationship, where all you wanted to do was to rant out about how, for example, calculus' final was driving you insane or how the newest move Mystic showed you was anatomically impossible, yet Warren's new-found cheerleadingness, even though well-intentioned, was pushing your buttons.

You had decided against saying anything to Warren in fear of accidentally hurting his feelings, after all, Warren being optimistic was a rare sight, and you sure didn't want to be the cause for him to shut down again, especially over just a dumb pet-peeve of yours. So you just let it slide until Warren started to notice how sometimes when he'd tried to lift your spirits up by praising you or degrading the seriousness of the problem, how obviously uncomfortable it made you. he never addressed the elephant in the room, again, he's more actions than words, so he simply stopped, or so he tries to.

He keeps it down a notch nowadays. Wich in itself is a titanic task for him because honestly he just can't help it. But he's working on it.

T - Thrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Let's be honest. THINGS BETWEEN YOU TWO CAN NEVER BE SPICE-LESS.

Yes, I cannot stress this enough, Warren is a bird at his core. And just like birds, who thrive on routines, so does he. Therefore one would suspect a relationship with him would be doomed to become repetitive and boring. But they couldn't be more wrong!

It is this bird-like personality that pushes him out to pursue adventures quite often. There is nothing your boyfriend craves the most than freedom, so whenever things start getting too monotone the saying "feeling like a caged animal" cannot be more accurate for him.

Thanks to this, your relationship is filled with exciting and thrilling experiences, making up for those in-between more monotonous times.

U - Understanding - How well do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

He has a keen eye for understanding people. What used to be a liability for him growing up, always investing himself in other peoples lives more than he should. Like the time 8-year-old, Warren managed to sneak out one of his mom's diamond necklaces for Vicka, his nanny, to wear at her College's graduation party. He knew how much money she had spent for her parents airplaine tickets from Danemark to New York and how she was barely making ends meet. And he also knew how his mom wouldn't notice if one of the hundreds of pieces of jewellery she owned magically disappeared for only a few hours. But she did. Without little Warren realising it.

He never saw Vicka again before that. The next time he did was the night she saved his life when he turned 14.

So yes, The Angel of Death is capable of empathy and understanding people's needs. Therefore it is to nobody's wonder he knowing you like the palm of his hand. He can read you like an open book, each and every mannerism of yours, the way your head tilts to the left when you are curious about something or to the right when you are in disbelief of anything. How you always raise your voice the slightest when speaking to Peter, thinking it will make him pay attention to what you're saying instead of losing his focus (it barely works but you can't help to keep doing it) or how it becomes softer and almost motherly when speaking with Kurt.

V - Value - How important is the relationship to them? What is its worth in comparison to other things in their life?

He knows exactly what it is like to have it all and lose it all. But has never thought about what it would be like for him if you were suddenly out of the equation. And quite frankly, it isn't something he likes to think about. So he doesn't, even the thought of it sends shivers down his spine. Warren Worthington III became was the universal heir to a generational wealth which, after his parent's death granted him the title by Forbes of "The richest man under 30 years old".

Yet he would burn each dollar, shred every painting, smash every statute, destroy all the cars and properties he owns if having to choose between having all that or you.

W - Wild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon

Warren loves waltzing with you at any given time and at any given place!

Growing up Warren used to spend most of his nights on Galas, state dinners, balls and many more black-tie gatherings. Therefore it was a necessity for his mother her child had the best dance instructor from an early age. As he grew older Warren took a liking for dancing, mostly because of the amount of praise he will always get from his audience. the way he effortlessly swang through the dance floor was impressive enough for his mother to wonder whether or not her son should take his hobby to a more professional direction.

He hadn't realised just how much he missed dancing until he moved into Xavier's. To be more precise, during the New Year's Eve party. It was 11:50 PM, dinner was over and the newly made dance floor was already packed. You never took your boyfriend as the dancer-type of guy so when he pulled out his hand for you to take, guiding you straight to the centre of it, you were beyond surprised.

He danced with you even after you had ditched the high heels and Warren his tux jacket and bow, after the music had died down and everyone had left, you kept softly waltzing until the first rays of the sun from a new year hit your tired yet content faces.

From that day on, Warren love dancing even more.

It was one of the very few things he was never self-conscious of. It never bother him when people stared because if he was being honest, each time he twirled you around the mansion's kitchen or swirled with you in the foyer, the world seemed to evaporate.

X - XOXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING YES.

Everybody knows your boyfriend isn't someone to joke with, even after having his horseman wings removed Warren remained with an imposing presence. Everywhere he goes places go silent, people hunches down and children stare. Perhaps it's due to the spiked leather garments, face tattoos and punkish hairstyle alongside his aloof attitude. It's not like it bothers him though, he loves it! This is why he is not wailing to let go of his "bad boy aesthetic" for a pair of doe eyes and a cute smile.

Or so he used to say.

This was one of the main reasons why he established the rule of keeping the PDA to a minimum when you started dating. But each time his body ached for your gentle touch after he had to detangle himself from you whenever someone burst in into the common room, or how he would miss the warmth from your lips when he had to let go of your embrace because he felt some staring eyes or how he would still crave for the relaxing feel from your fingers scratching his scalp after he forced himself up from your lap because he heard approaching footsteps. He cursed himself for having such a stupid rule, each and every single time.

So he ditched it!... Partially, he's still slightly reluctant about it (thank his upbringing for this) but at least he won't yerk up from the couch he had been napping on next to you every time he hears a foreign voice.

Y - Yearning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Warren loves you and adores spending time with you. Yet he also cherishes his solitude.

Life in the streets can make anyone overly independent, in the end, if you don't look out for yourself nobody else will. Although it's a great skill to have, it might come across as an inconvenience sometimes, especially in the "relationship field". One of the main reasons why it's hard for them to be in long-term relationships is due to their inability to ask for help of any kind, they will get overwhelmed by their loss of privacy, the need to think about two instead of one, the pulling and stretching boundaries all the time, etc. And Warren was not the exception.

But neither were you.

This is why he felt so drawn to you, to begin with. Even way back to when you two first met, you never pushed it. Never impose yourself on him, never stick around longer than he was okay with. Always allowing him to be the one to decide whether or not he wanted to prolongate his time with you. Until he realised that, the brief chats in the hallways became all-nighters on the rooftop, the sporadic movie nights and picnics near the lake were now a weekly ritual, and what he believed would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, the morning he woke up next to you instead of all by himself, was now what he treasured the most at the beginning of every day.

Even when he cannot get enough of you, there are times when life becomes too much for him to handle, when even his own breathing pisses him off and the world is too bright and everyone is too loud. When he disappears. Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days, but he always comes back, back to you. Because even when he needs his alone time, he needs you more.

Z -Zeal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Warren is the biggest simp ever to simp. To him, there are no impossibles when it comes to you. Without exaggerating, your man will kill and die for you! THAT IS IT! No need for explanations, he has killed before so it is obvious how he won't hesitate to take the life of anyone who would put yours in danger.

In conclusion, what I'm trying to say is: the sky is the limit, there is nothing he wouldn't do for you.

[meimi-haneoka]

I believe Akiho, Kaito, & Momo will stay together and get their happy ending in the finale❤. Surely Ohkawa sensei wouldn't be that cruel in CCS 😆. My question is where? Do you prefer them to go back to England, continue travelling around the world, or settle down in Tomoeda at the end of the manga?

Lol, when I've read "surely Ohkawa wouldn't..." a cold shiver ran down my spine because god forbid insinuating that woman cannot do something in her own stories. She will not only do it, but slap you across the face with it too. 😂

But no, kidding aside, I also don't think this is the work they can complete without a happy ending. It would be like tarnishing its legacy. Surely, raising the bar, giving Sakura a challenge bigger than any other she's faced till now, talking about heavy topics.....everything can be done, if it's got a rewarding and satisfying ending. Especially seeing all the complaints and questions raised in the japanese fandom (just the other day I saw someone who was daring enough to RT an official tweet about chapter 65 and asking "do Clamp-sensei remember this is published in Nakayoshi?" and all I wanted to reply was "my dear, have you ever seen what's published in Nakayoshi in this period?" A couple of months ago there was a bleeding FULL COLOR corpse as the opening page of a work at the beginning of the volume, even *I* got uncomfortable).

Of course my biggest wish is for all three of them to stay together <3 But yeah, the question is "where will they stay together?"

As much as I consider them british, my wish is for them is to NOT go back to England and actually settle down in Tomoeda, where they have found connections and friends who truly care for them, who can help them forgetting their pasts of trauma and show to Kaito what's good in having connections and support from others. Friends who will help them lifting that burden both of them are carrying and that likely will not disappear with a snap of fingers even after the happy ending they deserve. Mind you, I don't see Kaito suddenly changing and becoming more friendly to everyone, but even in his innate introversion, he would still know there are people there for him. I want for Akiho to grow up beside her best friends. I want for Momo to watch over them while drinking wine and eating sweets with the other magical beasts.

Alas, I have the feeling that's not what CLAMP have in store, though. I have this feeling Akiho, Kaito and Momo will continue travelling (this time, out of their own will). It will depend a lot on how Clear Card will end. Who knows if it will be because their problems won't be solved entirely yet (and so they will keep looking for a solution) or simply because they feel like they have to start anew. Or maybe, making more memories all around the world, which seemed such a precious thing for both Akiho and Kaito (in ch. 49, Akiho tells Sakura she talked to Kaito about all the countries they've been to, and Kaito remembered every single small detail). If this is the case, it'll be bittersweet for me, but as long as they can stay together, I'll take anything.

[sweetestlamb]

You Can’t Just Leave Me

Summary: The Han family is a force to be reckoned with. 

Author’s Note: Writing this chapter made me smile, I hope reading it as the same affect on you all. Thank you to everyone who supports this story and leaves comments (or my silent readers). I appreciate you all and I am so thankful that you like this brainchild, I’ve just been winging it- never expecting to be on chapter 7 on something I initially planned on being a one shot. You all made it come this far, enjoy chapter 7!! Beautiful header by @ewolfwitchwisegirl text message created by Junjin fairy @prodmina

The apartment is eerily quiet following Su-ah's departure, he hadn't intentionally tried to eavesdrop but it was hard not to overhear their sniffles through the door. Then hours later the usually bubbly girl had exited the room with red rimmed eyes, he'd never seen her cry before in his many years of knowing her. He was awkward in the face of it, not used to comforting anyone besides Ju-Kyeong. 

Their conversation was clipped and it was clear that Sujin hadn't opened up about what happened. The Su-ah he knew would be making plans to sabotage her father, if she knew the full story.  She'd left with the final words, "Take care of her." He nodded without hesitation that was his intentions, he just needed to get her onboard with his plan to do that.

Taking a deep soothing breath he walks over to knock on the door.

"Sujin-ah, can we talk?" He asks, pressing his head against the door. Ready to plead if need be, she hadn't been answering him since being here. He never saw her come outside, but the food he brought would just disappear hours after he placed it. He waits patiently before reaching out his knuckles to knock again, but when the door suddenly opens he takes a quick step back surprised to see Sujin's face. It's clear she's been crying. He looks away, it's a bit unsettling to see her like this. Too raw.

"Let's talk in the living room." He suggests quietly, stepping back and walking towards the couch. Nerves easing minutely as he hears her soft footsteps behind him. He slides into one corner of the couch and watches as she sits on the opposite end. An awkward silence bellows around them as he stares at his hands and she stares at the ceiling. They have both never been the most talkative on a good day, but now it’s painful. 

He clears his throat stilling when he feels her eyes on him, waiting. He had this speech planned in his head for days but now that the moment is actually here, he's terrified. Too nervous to say the words he wants to, does he even have the right to apologize to her now? Does she even want his late apology or will she brush him off? He wouldn't blame her one bit, it had taken him too long and he still hasn't even forgiven himself, how could he expect her to forgive him? 

"Thank you."

He almost misses the quiet utterance because he's so lost in his own self deprecation. They are staring at each other now eyes locked, his own wide in bewilderment.

"What?" He responds caught off guard, he didn't expect Sujin to speak at all-much less for those to be her first words.

"You heard me. Thank you for letting me stay here and for not pressuring me to talk about it."  Sujin awkwardly squirms in her seat, glancing away from him before darting back and she gives him the courage to finally saw what he wanted- no needed to.

"I'm sorry." It's his turn to watch the shock form on her face but he presses on before she can question him. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, I knew what was happening but I didn't know how to help. I understand now that just being there would have been enough, you just needed a friend. I'm sorry I wasn't one."

A slight weight lifts off his shoulder and his heart, he's not free but he's one step closer. One step at a time.

"You didn't do anything wrong. We were just kids, what could you have done? It's okay, I never expected you to save me. How could you when you were dealing with your own pain?"

She's giving him an out, and logically she's right the pain of losing his mother crippled him for years. It was still weighing heavy on him to this day but he doesn't want an out, he wants to be accountable. He would rather her rage than her understanding.

"I know you didn't need a savior, but you needed a friend. Am I wrong? Were you okay dealing with everything on your own?" It's a low blow he's aware and the way her eyes narrow further confirm that his question isn't appreciated.

"Am I wrong?" He repeats and watches as the ice around her eyes melt away glacially, too many emotions flashing in her dark orbs- anger, sadness, disappointment, broken acceptance each emotion cutting at his heart.

Leaning forward he grabs at the folder on the table, he's already come this far might as well go all the way now.

"Here." He hands it to her, she raises an eyebrow taking the thick object. "Open it," he nods at the folder watching quietly as she breaks the seal and pulls out the documents, eyes scanning the papers before realization settles.

"Emancipation?" She whispers, now staring at him unblinking he can feel the heft of her undivided attention.

"Yes, we've been doing research and I think the best bet is for you to get emancipated." He winces at himself as she glares at the use of "we", he should have left that out with how distant they've been; she didn't even know that Seojun was the one providing the meals she seemed to love. She might stop eating them if she knew, she was so stubborn sometimes. 

She leaf's through the pages, carefully looking over the document and he sits silently awaiting her reaction.

"He would never allow this. You know that." It's said with certainty as if she's accepted her fate long ago, probably thought of this very option herself and then talked herself out of it.

"I'm going to ask her father to help, he's been supporting your father all these years. If he knew the truth..." He trails off letting her finish the rest and she barks out a humorless laugh, it sounds more like a sob.

"You want to tell your father? They have known each other for years, why would he believe me?"

"He's my dad. He'll believe me. We have to at least try." He pleads now desperate for her agreement. It wasn’t the right thing to say, he knows that instantly. 

Instantly she stands up, slamming the documents on the table the ice restoring around her eyes. "I was fine all those years you were wrong.  I'm not doing this, I don't need your dad's help." She spits the word "dad" like it's poison on her tongue, storming off to the room and slamming the door shut.

He sighs, defeated leaning back onto the couch. He sends a text to his father and Seojun. He failed. 

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Guilt eats at her following her outburst, she wasn't mad at Suho despite her harsh words. She can blame her anger on many things but she's self-aware enough to know that it's a defense mechanism; she was jealous. It was ugly and grotesque, but she cannot stop the way her blood boils when she sees others with parents that care. 

He's my father, he'll believe me.

That would never be her reality, Suho and his father had been able to reconcile and restart their broken relationship. That would never be her truth, her relationship with her father would never resemble something healthy and despite her efforts to repress her true feelings, it hurts. The little girl who desperately wanted to make her dad happy and proud still hadn't died.

She feels stupid, the biggest fool on the planet. How can she still be looking for love from someone who has never shown her anything but hatred? She’s the one with a problem here, she knows that. 

She shouldn't have lashed out especially after his apology, that must have taken true guts and she had thrown it all back in his face. She tries to make amends but every time they cross paths she freezes up and escapes to her borrowed room instead. It continues on for days with him still bringing food to her door and the combination of their kindness is too much for her. She doesn’t deserve it from either of them. 

Tugging on her jacket she leaves the apartment hastily with only a small note on her door. She needs some space to think without feeling suffocated.

Gone for a walk.

It's just her luck that it's raining outside, only a drizzle but it coats the world in a thick fog and it's hard to see. The biggest benefit is that nobody can see her, she just needs time alone to think. 

The idea of emancipation wasn't new to her, she had considered this option before but in the end she discarded it. Her father wasn't someone she would simply leave, he would drag her back kicking and screaming. He had instilled long ago that she was his, it was pointless to have dreams or aspirations, she just needed to follow his orders. That was her purpose. Being an obedient dog. 

Suho's plan also called for revealing her pitiful life, what if she went through this ordeal only to lose and not be given emancipation in the end? No. She couldn't make herself that vulnerable at least now she had her dignity, only two people knew about her secret. It might not be much to others, but her dignity was everything to her; it was all she had left.

Sighing loudly at the skies she mentally curses the weather, maybe it's poetic but all of her worst times have been bookmarked by the rain. It must be a metaphor for her life, damp and cold with no warmth in sight.

Stopping to sit on a bench she stares up at the gray skies before closing her eyes, accepting her fate. "Fine, rain on me. I probably deserve this." Cool raindrops roll down her cheeks imitating tears and she can feel the moisture seeping into her clothes and siphoning her heat.

"Unnie?" She jumps at the voice, sounding too close and she shifts away when she opens her eyes and is greeted by the large bespectacled eyes of Gowoon. The younger girl smiles sweetly, covering her with a pale blue umbrella with ice cream cones decorating it. It’s too innocent and too young the antithesis of everything in her life. 

"Unnie! What are you doing in the rain? You're getting wet!" Gowoon grabs her arm tugging her to her feet using her umbrella to shelter them both. She's shocked when she doesn't bristle at the unexpected and too familiar manhandling. She almost rolls her eyes, what was it with the Han family and finding her during rainstorms? 

"Come on, my house isn't far. I'll make you some soup so you don't catch a cold." The other girl doesn't wait for her reply before she starts pulling her down the sidewalk. She sputters but feels her feet following obediently.

"Oppa is working late, so he won't be there to bother us."

Her heart defiantly jumps at the mention of him, she hasn't seen him in a week. She has dozens of unsent messages to him, cowardice has rendered her fingers useless though. 

"That's good." She lies, "So it'll just be us two?" She's not quite ready to meet any other members of the Han family.

The other girl nods absently, easily easing them into a riveting conversation about a boy at school who won't leave her alone. She offers to beat him up if he keeps on bothering her to which Gowoon laughs gleefully before squealing, "You sound just like Seojun oppa!" She glares at the comparison watching entranced at the young girl's uncontrollable giggles. When was the last time she'd laughed so freely? She had no recollection.

Gowoon wasn't lying and within minutes she's staring at the apartment she's only seen once before. That feels like a lifetime ago.

She immediately regrets her inability to say no to persuasive girl later when they are greeted at the door.

"Gowoon, sweetie is that you?" A maternal voice calls out and she instantly recognizes it, stiffening in the doorway. Stepping back she starts thinking of excuses, but her tongue is too heavy in her mouth and she's too slow as the woman comes around the corner halting her escape. 

She blinks unhurried as the older woman gapes at her clearly not expecting to see anyone besides her daughter.

Gowoon breaks the silence, her voice nonchalant, "Hi mom! This is my unnie Sujin, she's the one who saved me the other day! Is it okay that I brought her here for dinner, I found her in the rain!" Gowoon makes it sound like she picked up a stray puppy outside, but she knows the other girl means no harm. 

Her skin prickles at the question, anxiety filling her stomach without her permission. She's waiting for rejection. For Gowoon’s mother to say that it is not okay and she would rather eat with her daughter without a stranger intruding. 

"Of course! I didn't realize it was the same Sujin." Gowoon looks confused by her mother's statement and she feels embarrassment swarming in her belly. Oh no. She has to stop her before she reveals too much, Gowoon knows nothing and she wants to keep it that way. 

"I didn't realize you knew Sujin too, isn't this Seojun's cru.."

"Classmate!" She suddenly interjects staring at the woman with pleading eyes, she's not ready for Gowoon to know about her brothers “feelings”. She's trying her best to forgot them too.

They both stare at her and she squirms under the scrutiny, before the older woman puts her out of her misery. "Yes, Seojun mentioned her before I didn't realize she was the same person that helped you. Thank you." She freezes as the woman embraces her hand, smiling at her warmly as she thanks her. She can only stare in response, nodding dumbly.

"Come on unnie! I'll get you some warm clothes, you'll catch a cold if you keep wearing those."

She lets herself be tugged into the younger girl’s room. Just like Gowoon the room is bright and vivacious, wall covered in posters and books littering her table. It looks completely normal and it makes her ache, her own room was militarily decorated with nothing out of place and no evidence of her personality. Since she was young her father would inspect it and punish her if anything was untoward. She had stopped trying to make the room look lived in after seeing poster after poster thrown down. 

"Here unnie. You can borrow this." Her eyes bulge at a familiar blue shirt with a puppy on the front. "I know it's so embarrassing but oppa got it for me, it's really warm though." In the end he'd gotten her to wear the ridiculous shirt, she reluctantly goes off to change into the top and leggings. They are the same baby blue hue, making the outfit look like a set. She's thankful the boy isn't here to see her.

"Well don't you look adorable?" Seojun's mom coos at her when she finally comes out of the bathroom, she desperately wants to disappear. The woman must notice her ruby cheeks because she turns with a smile calling out to her daughter, "Gowoon! Come help with dinner!"

Now changed too, into cactus pajamas the younger girl bounds out grabbing an apron and tying it behind her back.

"What are are we making?" She curiously peeks over her mom's shoulder. The air between the mother and daughter is comfortable, the two leaning into each other naturally as they discuss what to make for dinner. She observes with a heavy heart as Gowoon easily puts her head on her mom's shoulder and the woman strokes her cheek lovingly. Something inside her throbs in response.

"Do you want to help?"

Shaking her head to clear the longing she looks at their mom, who's looking back at her with soft eyes already holding out another apron.

She can't control herself her yearning is too large, she stands without hesitation walking to the woman, sucking in a breath when the apron is placed over her shoulders and then tightened snuggly.

"We're making wonton soup. Have you ever made dumplings before sweetie?"

She looks at Gowoon waiting for her reply but then realizes that both pair of eyes are on her and oh, she's talking to her. She called her sweetie. Swallowing thickly she shakes her head before replying, "No. I've never made them before." She waits to be berated or at least chastised for her lack of culinary skills, her father always said a woman's place was in the kitchen.

Nothing happens. The woman hums before smiling again, she's always smiling it's so pretty. She wishes she had the courage to say the words aloud. She doesn't.

"You can help Gowoon chop the vegetables for the filling. Then we can mix it with the ground pork and I'll show you how to make the dumplings." If the woman is disappointed at all at having to teach her she's doing an incredible job of concealing her frustrations.

She accepts the knife when Gowoon hands it to her, both of them working on a wooden cutting board. They've gotten into somewhat of a rhythm slicing the chives and carrots finely for the filling. She'd never chopped vegetables before but their mom had casually stood behind her shocking her so much she almost dropped the knife, but the older woman had easily caught the utensil before holding her hand and manually showing her how to tuck her fingers and mince the vegetables. She froze before imitating the woman, she was good at replicating acts.

"That looks great sweetie! You're a fast learner!" The woman praised her turning back to the broth and adding more seasoning liberally. She preened under the attention smiling shyly before Gowoon shouted out loudly, "What about me mom? How do mine look?" They both looked at the younger girl's unevenly chopped chives and carrots, next to Sujin's perfectly identical veggies all in an even row. The difference between the two is stark. 

"They look fine dear, they'll be hidden in the dumplings anyway." Her mother tries to soothe her ego, patting her shoulder before turning back to her soup dismissively and a burst of laughter explodes from her chest at the offended look on Gowoon's face, her cheeks are red and her mouth is turned down in an exaggerated frown. The younger girl looks positively livid that her mother is not similarly singing her praises and she starts to defiantly chop more vegetables, only to have them come out even worst; even more lopsided and haggard. 

She tries to tamper her laugh but when the younger girl starts whining, crying about how her veggies were “cousins not siblings” she loses it, clutching at the counter for balance. She feels the air bursting from her lungs as she clutches at her stomach, laughing harder when Gowoon glares at her pout on her lips. The older woman joins her rubbing her daughter's back as she cries about her dignity, and then Gowoon looks at them both laughing at her and a smile spreads on her face and soon they are all laughing in the kitchen, soup bubbling beside them as a delicious aroma permeates the room.

None of them hear the front door opening or a deep voice announcing its arrival.

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He's cold, tired and wet. Once again missing the forecast for rain, he really needed to start carrying an umbrella around all the time. What was up with the weather lately anyway? Why was it raining all the damn time?  He absently thinks of a certain someone and hopes she's somewhere warm out of the rain. They always seemed to meet when the sky was pouring and raging. 

It was hard not contacting her but he wanted to listen to her requests and respect her wishes no matter how hard it was for him, it was also getting pathetic being the only one fighting for this. She hadn't outright rejected him after his confession but her silence was an answer in itself and he wanted to respect that. He wasn't too manly to admit that he was hurt, and he was reeling from being pushed away so many times already.

So he followed his mother's advice, he'd given her something that he knew she needed and expected nothing in return.

All week he'd been waking up early to cook for the girl, reading recipes off his phone  fluffy cat headband on his head keeping his fringe out of his eyes. The easier recipes like soup and grilled meats had been simple enough to accomplish but when he ventured into more complicated bento boxes that's when frustrations had arose. They looked so easy but they were tedious and he wasn’t the most patient or detail oriented person. 

He struggled to recreate the detailed meals and almost gave up,  throwing his phone across the room.

That's how his mother had found him, fuming and tugging his hair on the kitchen table. Seconds away from bashing his head into the surface and screaming at the ceiling. 

"What are you doing up so early?" He jumped at her voice, looking around at the mess he'd made in the kitchen with wide guilty eyes.

"I-I can explain." He stuttered out but couldn't come up with a feasible answer once she looked at him expectantly, arms folded. The patented mom stare. 

She had calmly walked across the room picking up his discarded phone, peering at the screen before looking back at him.

"Is this for your friend?" She shook the phone at him knowingly and he pressed his lips tight together, nodding mutely while looking away.

"Okay let's see what you have so far." His mom walked over and assessed what he had already made, nodding with a proud smile. "You did good so far, let me show you how to make a hotdog into an octopus. I did this for you all the time when you were a kid."

He was grateful when she didn't ask him any questions and it became their morning ritual, until he no longer needed guidance and he was able to make the boxes on his own. The satisfaction he felt when Suho would return the containers, clean as a whistle not even a grain of rice remaining was incomparable. It wasn't much but at least she was eating, that was all he needed even if she didn't want to see him or know that he was the one making her meals.

He sighs at himself, he told himself not to think about her but that was proving easier said than done.

Shaking himself at the front door like a wet dog, he tugs his keys from the back pocket of his jeans slotting it on the doorknob and turning.

"I'm home!" He calls out instinctively announcing his arrival as he toes off his drenched boots, but then his eyebrow lifts as he hears peals of laughter coming from the kitchen. He chuckles without knowing the joke, instantly rejuvenated by his family's abundant joy. Slipping on his slippers after hesitating a second because he doesn't recognize the shoe at the front door. When did Gowoon get those and how the hell was his little sister affording Chanel sneakers?

Those thoughts are swarming in his mind when he stomps to the kitchen, all the air sucked from his lungs when he sees an unbelievable vision. His mother and sister are grasping at each other, lost in laughter completely unaware of his presence but the image that most shocks him is Sujin, holding her stomach as she spots something on the counter that sets her off into another bout of boisterous laughter.

He can't help it he starts to categorize her every move, the way her eyes are crinkled and a stray tear is leaking out the corner, the way her nose is scrunched up like a rabbit and the way her mouth is stretched wide, visible even behind the futile shield of her hand. All of his thoughts from earlier regarding not needing to see her dissipate, he wants to tattoo this image in his mind.

"Oh! You're here!" His mother suddenly turns to face him and that causes Sujin to freeze laughter fading off with a whine, regarding him with huge bright eyes. It's almost too much once he notices what she's wearing, he wasn't prepared to see her like this in his house. It's overwhelming in the best way.

"I'm home. I'll go change and come help." Both his mother and Gowoon nod easily no longer paying him any mind but he can feel eyes on him as he runs away, trying to regain his composure and his breath. He purposely avoids Sujin's eyes not ready to see if the walls are back up at his arrival.

When he comes back out the table is already set and they've all taken a seat, the only available chair is between his mom and Sujin, so he takes a calming breath before walking over with fake confidence. He’s used to faking it until he makes it. That could be the name of his biography. 

He answers his family's questions about work and school blowing on the soup before taking a bite of the slightly lopsided dumpling. What it's lacking in appearance it more than makes up for in flavor, he groans at the delicious flavor that dances on his taste buds looking up excitedly at his mom.

"These dumplings are delicious! Thank you for the meal!" He praises his mom, happily chewing at the soft delicacy in his mouth.

"Thank you Junnie, but I didn't make the dumplings. They worked on the filling together but Sujin-ah seasoned and filled the dumplings while I made the broth and your sister helped with the side dishes." His mother smiles proudly over at the two girls, Gowoon beaming with pride but Sujin, almost disappears into her soup her head so close to the steaming hot bowl.

They haven’t said anything to each other and he's nervous to be the one to break this stalemate but he also really wants to talk to her, has wanted to since he stepped through the door and saw her smiling face. Has wanted to since that night he stormed out and didn't look back. So finally he does, gathering all his bravery to finally look over at her.

"The dumplings are great." And when she doesn't look up or seemingly react at all, he tells himself he's fine and he expected that. She wasn't ready to talk to him yet, it was his own fault for hoping when she'd explicitly told him to stop doing that.

So he goes back to eating, more lethargic than before eyes locked on nothing but his food and his spoon. It was embarrassing. He knows his cheeks are pink and he hates it.

"Thank you. I just followed your mom's directions. It was nothing."

He pauses, peeking up at her and almost choking when she shoots him a small smile before filling her bowl with more rice.

His heart thumps in his chest. Fuck.

He doesn't hear anything else the rest of the meal, too lost in his thoughts and it's only familiarity that has him standing up when everyone is finished, collecting the plates and bringing them to the sink.

"It's almost time for Sunbae, don’t wear those high heels!!" Gowoon shouts, he cringes at the name of the new drama they've been obsessively watching, he'd only tuned in one time before flabbergasted by the exorbitant amount of times the female protagonist had fallen into the arms of various men but especially the male lead. She fell off a balcony into his arms that time, with neither of them needing to be admitted to the hospital somehow. His mother and Gowoon had both hushed him when he'd voiced that particular opinion and he had happily banished himself to his room.

"Oh no, I'm going to miss it because I'm washing the dishes." He replies deadpan as his sister rolls her eyes dramatically at him, "Whatever it's your loss. Let's go I want to see if she's going to choose the sweet bad boy or the cold cute guy!"

He scoffs at the cliché characterizations scrubbing harder at the plate.

"Come on unnie!" Sujin gasps as she's tugged to the living room too, glancing over he sees his little sister place her in the middle of the couch sandwiched between her and his mother. Sujin looks overwhelmed as Gowoon animatedly tries to catch her up on the series. He shakes his head, maybe the show wasn't that bad. He could watch a few minutes with them.

He strolls casually to the living room, easing onto the ground beside his mother's legs after all the dishes are clean and drying.

"What are you doing here? I thought you despised this "cringey" show?" He leans his head back, sighing when his mother eases her fingers into his hair scratching at his scalp and he sighs content in her lap.

"I do. But it's too early to sleep so I have no choice but to watch this crap."

"Mom! He said crap!"

"Watch your language."

His mother scolds him immediately and Gowoon sticks out her tongue at him vindicated because he got in trouble and immaturely he does it back, tugging off her sock much to her chagrin, dodging her when she tries to kick him.

Sujin looks back and forth between them both before discretely looking at their mother, she seems shocked when all the woman does is chuckle and say, "Children please. Do I need to remind you that we have a guest?" He looks away bashfully not wanting to look childish in front of Sujin, he hadn't thought about that. That makes them settle down and he finally looks at the TV, groaning loudly when low and behold the heroine is falling again, tripping over a candy wrapper on the ground.

"She falls a lot. She should probably wear protective gear." Sujin says breaking their new silence and he chuckles at her observation, happy that someone agrees with him, excitedly he turns to her "Right! Last time she fell off a balcony!" He shouts in disbelief and suddenly they're all arguing about the feasibility of someone surviving that. His mother shaking her head fondly at them, choosing to say out of it which makes Gowoon pout because she's outnumbered.

"Okay who would you choose Unnie, the tsundere type or the bad boy with a heart of gold?" Suddenly he's very invested in her answer, he tries not to react staring at the ceiling and breathing evenly but inside his heart is thundering ready to pound out of his chest.

A few seconds drag on and he wonders if she's not going to answer, he doesn't even know why he cares so much but curiously is gripping at him. He knows that this doesn't mean anything necessarily and he's not getting his hopes up but--

"The sweet guy. He just looks like a bad boy but he's sweet to her, he never says anything mean to her. That would be nice." She answers, trailing off at the end and he hears Gowoon instantly disagreeing saying the other guy is way better, but he can barely hear his sister over the thumping of his heart in his ears, he can't help the wide smile that spreads on his face. 

He turns to hide it in his mom's lap.

It doesn't leave his face the rest of the night.

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It's getting late, she knows that it's time for her to take her leave she's been imposing on them for too long but....she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to leave, they are so warm. She's never seen a family like this outside of television shows, how was it possible that this was their real life? How could they have a mother who was that loving? Everything they did was greeted with fond exasperation, where was the reprimanding or cold backhanded words that cut like a knife?

She'd even treated her kindly, calling her sweetie more than she said her name. And she got used to it similar to how she'd gotten used to Seojun calling her princess, she knew she should fight it but she didn't want to. She was ashamed to say she liked it. 

She tries to soak it up for as long as she can before she says reluctantly, "I should probably go. it's getting late." Then she watches in a daze as the woman races off before returning with containers stacked and tied in a bag.

Before she can argue or refuse their mom is already shaking her head, "You made this so it's only right that you take it home. I won't take no for an answer." At this point that should have been the Han family motto she thinks fondly. But she accepts the food, bowing in gratitude at the simple act of kindness.

"Unnie, can I have your number? I just realized I don't have it and we're so close!" Gowoon thrusts her phone out with two hands, giving her the biggest puppy eyes she's ever seen. Without a word she accepts the phone, punching in her number before handing it back. She hadn’t realized the girl considered them close, but she finds that she doesn’t mind it at all. 

"Thank you! I'll text you so you can have my number too." The younger girl dances in celebration before grabbing her in a hug, she awkwardly pats her on the back once before she's finally set free. They're all so naturally affectionate and she's not the least bit accustomed to it, used to harsh words and slaps instead of praises and hugs.

"Get home safely sweetie. Junnie! Where did you go? Come walk her home!" She rushes to say it's okay she doesn't need an escort home, she's fine walking by herself it truly wasn't that far it turned out. But Seojun comes out of his room, changed again with a coat on and a beanie. Walking over to them he thrusts a sweater at her, when she looks blankly he replies sounding defensive, "It's probably colder now. Put this on too." He pushes it at her again firmer and she grabs it, gasping when their fingers brush.

It's a thick dark green sweater with fleece lining the interior and it smells just like his earthy cologne, she wants to give it back. Instead she puts it on over her borrowed long sleeve shirt from Suho and feels like a child playing dress up when it reaches the bottom of her knees. She knows what he's thinking when he smirks at her, she wasn't short he was just a damn giant.

She takes off the slippers and slides back into her sneakers, thankful that they're dry now. She's distracted by Seojun's heat, he's so close to her putting on his own boots. So much so she nearly misses what his mother says, "Get home safely. Please come again soon, I need more maturity in this house." Seojun and Gowoon both shout affronted but all she can see is the genuine smile on her face, she finds herself nodding throat too thick for words. When she's pulled into another hug, this time she has to blink away tears arms still by her side. She’s vibrating from keeping her emotions contained. 

They are walking side by side, the sounds of the city filling the silence that would be present. Every once in a while their arms brush but he moves away after the third time and she feels cold, more so than when the wind blows.

They're getting closer to Suho's apartment and she's wrecking her brain to find something to say to him, knowing that the ball is in her court; it always has been. She's just terrified to swing her racket. What if she misses? Or trips and embarrasses herself? It was usually better to just do nothing then you wouldn't be disappointed.

With each step she loses more courage until they are standing in front of the building and she still hasn't said anything.

Coward.

They stand awkwardly looking at the building pointedly avoiding each other and she finally speaks, "Oh your sweater! Here you go." She says stupidly, not at all what she wanted to say but she starts to pull the sweater off to commit to her exclamation. However he steps back shaking his head at her.

"It's cold. Just wear it upstairs. I'll get it later from Suho, you won't have to see me again. Go up." He sounds deflated, nothing like the animated jokester she'd seen just minutes at his apartment. It aches that she's the one making him act this way.

Then he turns around after looking at her, all of the light drained from his eyes.

He takes three large steps, putting immeasurable space between them in no time and she knows that if she lets him walk away right now he might not come back and that's a gut wrenching thought that makes her chase after him.

Thoughtlessly, she grabs his arm halting his exit from her life.

"Wait!" She shouts, but at the first touch of her hand on his forearm he's already frozen, still in her arms. He doesn't turn around. She shoots him a silent mental thank you, even if it's not his intention it's much easier to say what's on her mind like this without him facing her and her feeling too open and vulnerable. 

"I know you're the one making me food." There was supposed to be a thank you somewhere in there but instead she ends up sounding accusatory, and he tenses instantly his arm tight in her grasp.

"I'll stop. I know you told me to leave you alone. I--just. There's no excuse. I'll stop."

His voice is strained and this is going all wrong already, she's ruining everything.

Letting go of his arm, she sidesteps and brazenly moves directly in front of him. She can't keep hiding from this. She needed to be vulnerable, that was the only way he could understand.

His eyes are wet.

She gasps at the sight, not expecting it and so jealous at his ability to just feel and be seen. She was always hiding from everything. 

"Don't."

He doesn't give her a chance to finish.

"Sujin. Let me go. I know already, I know it all. I can't like you, I shouldn't get my hopes up, I need to mind my business. I know it all!" He shouts, pain marring his face but she notices how he still tugs his arm free gently, still careful about harming her even while he’s breaking down. 

She doesn’t deserve this. 

This is all her fault she knows that to be an objective truth, but the way he throws her own words back at her makes her realize how cruel she'd been while trying to spare him. She hadn't spared anything, the pain in his eyes and voice makes that abundantly clear.

"Don't stop. Don't give up on me." She finishes, staring at him with her own wet eyes, tears prickling at them.

His shoulders sink as he stares at her, lost and hesitant. 

"I'm sorry. I’m sorry for saying those things to you.  I can't promise I won't push you away again. I'm...I'm fucked up Seojun-ah. I'm a fucking mess. But I want to stop, I don't want to push people away."

I don't want to push you away. But she’s still too much of a coward to say that out loud. 

"Sujin, what-what are you trying to say?" He looks at her with guarded eyes, not yet ready to believe the words coming out of her mouth.

"I want to be friends."

She watches him wrestle with her sentence, hurt being covered up by a façade and she's not obtuse, she knows that's not the answer he was hoping for. Knows he thinks she's friend zoning and clipping the wings of his feelings.

"That's all I can deal with right now. I have a lot to work on, I need to work on me." It may seem like a cop out, an excuse but it's the most honest she's ever been with herself, it's not that she doesn't like him she might- if the way her heart thumps when he’s around says anything- but more importantly she has realized that she doesn’t like herself.

"Right now." He repeats in awe, she blinks confused before realizing the implications of her words, she starts sputtering trying to backtrack but he's too quick beating her to the punch.

"I can do friends. For now." She blushes at the beaming smile on his face, his happiness over such a small acquiesce is too much. Why did he have to wear his heart so obviously on his sleeves?

They stand simply staring at each other. Locked in the moment.

She might need to remind her heart that they'd only agreed to be friends.

For now.

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I don't like onions.

She doesn't know what possesses her to text him first, or what compels her to send that particular message. She starts googling if there's a way to unsend messages, instead finding stories from others regaling their own embarrassing messages and finding solace that she isn't alone in this feeling. 

She jumps when her phone vibrates. Slowly turning it over like it's a ticking bomb.

Of course you'd be a picky eater. Onions are good for you.

She rolls her eyes at the message, he was such a nagger.

It's not good if I don't enjoy it.

Alright princess, noted. No more onions. Are you okay with chicken teriyaki tomorrow?

She recalls the delicious chicken teriyaki he'd made for her just days ago, it was succulent and juicy and she'd fought Suho over it, reminding him that this was her food and she replies quickly.

Yes! Do you have more kimchi?

I do. I'll pack some.

She stares at the phone, in disbelief at the how easy it is to talk to him again, like there was an empty spot in her life, a Seojun shaped gap that was now filled once more. She wasn't fixed, she had meant what she told him; she couldn't examine her feelings for him yet. But she needed him in her life, he was there when she needed someone and now no one else would do.

I missed you.

[supersunshinekatiethings-blog]

A few months ago I saw a beautiful young girl sitting at a corner table in a coffee shop in town. She sat with two other girls. She was wiping away tears while her friends consoled her. The one had her hand over her friends hand and the other, her hand on her shoulder. Support. Love. Friendship. Connection. 

I carried on with my day and that was the end of that. Last week I walked into the same coffee shop and saw the same beautiful girl sitting at a table, but this time she was all alone. Wiping away her tears again. My heart broke for her. 

To be sad and in community with others is one thing but to be sad and to be alone, is another thing entirely. I felt the nudge to go console / love / talk to her (Thanks Jesus, I know you love how awkward I can be but this seems a bit intrusive surely?) 

Anyway, I opened my laptop and got my coffee and then she (The beautiful girl) got up to pay... Nudge nudge nudge...Okaaaay.... As she was about to make her escape I popped up next to her (Yes like a weirdo) put my hand gently on her back and asked "Are you okay?" - to which I rolled my eyes to myself in my head - Obviously she wasn't okay. She smiled so sweetly and started talking to me and shared a bit of her story, a story I've heard so many times before - not her situation - but the story of connection - how its desired, lost, repaired, needed and so on.

After a brief chat we exchanged some digits and hugged and off she went. I'm obviously not divulging her story here but what I can say is that the next time I saw her she was happy & smiling her gorgeous big brave smile! 

I'm so happy I met you, beautiful girl.

You reminded me that connection is so important in this ever changing world we live in. That the foremost pillar of happiness is a sense of belonging and purpose. That connection is vital, but it is so often overlooked and people are so unsure how to foster real connection in their lives with so much going on around them.

From my own experiences and knowing others, I find the biggest problem in most people’s lives is trauma, and trauma is what creates a damaged ability to connect with others. “Trauma” is not a term reserved for the most severe and unrelenting atrocities one can experience. Anytime something scares us and we do not get over that fear, trauma is created. When we don’t believe we have the resources or abilities to cope with a certain problem or situation, we create adaptive behaviors to deny or avoid it.

The root of almost everything we suffer through is a severed connection we never figured out how to repair. Connection is the experience of oneness. It’s having shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar ideas. The point is that many of the ongoing problems we cannot resolve are, in fact, symptoms of deeper problems we may not be aware of.

We’ve developed a world designed to create more connection than ever before, yet somehow, much of the digital age has cut our connection or fostered inauthentic connection, which obviously doesn't work. You cannot fake oneness. It is not something you create; It’s something you feel.

I've gotten into trouble multiple times for being too straight forward, for asking straight questions, being blunt and so on...and maybe I am obtrusive, but its because I want REAL. I don't care about how much money you make or what you ate for dinner , I want to know how you feel, and why you feel that way. And ill share my experiences with you, because how can I expect you to open to me if I wouldn't do the same, with you.

I understand we are all different (Thank you God) , but in order to connect with others, we have to give them our time and honest feelings and ideas and have shared experiences and openness. We do not connect with others by trying to earn approval, awe, compliments, appreciation, envy, or superiority.

In the process of restoring a connection with others, we can realize that we actually create a connection with ourselves - and this; my friends, has changed my life.

As Brianna West said "If healing is a return to wholeness, then healing from trauma is remembering that we can trust others, we can trust ourselves, and we can trust life. It is the reintegration into easiness, calmness, and the willingness to allow life to be as it is rather than trying to control how it’s perceived. It is not waiting for others to initiate or sustain that connection. It is our own willingness to try again, be vulnerable again, show up for others, reach out, and make ourselves an active part of our communities and families and friend groups" - YES YES YES!!

In being seen and loved for who we are, how we think, and what we feel, we learn it’s okay to be as we are , authentically.

If our core human need is to connect with others, then the most important part of healing our emotional wounds is allowing ourselves to open up again. It is simply our willingness to show up as we are, and our trust that we will be taken care of. It is our discernment to give our time and energy to those who respect and cherish it back. And, most importantly, it is the knowledge that even if we do have to go through the fires of life—as all of us do—we come out the other end stronger, clearer, and more ready to appreciate what we have.