#but i only *realised* i was ace after spending time in queer places as an ally

[bisquid]

A stands for ally and aspec, because sometimes people need the protection of 'I'm not queer I'm an ally!' from homophobes in their environment

A does not stand for ally, it stands for ASPECS. aros and aces and agenders and aplatonics and ASPECS damn it.

i will fucking swallow a motherfucker whole if I hear that argument again.

[nighttimeclassics]

why does expressing yourself suck so much - emotions fucking suck.

honestly this is a venting of aggravations more than anything, but I just need to get it out of my body.

why is living out loud, and expressing genuine emotion always met with disdain??? to preface what brought this on, i wrote my friend a book for his birthday - which I was nervous about because it was a last minute decision. i was initially making him a blanket, but I ran out of yarn SO FAST, and couldn't get any more so in a panic wrote him a mythology book because that is something we both enjoy,. I felt bad about it though because he's dyslexic and hates reading books, but the only thing I could afford was spending my own time, because I have no money, so it was the only thing I could think of. and he painted me the most amazing dragon for my birthday a few months back. on top of that, he is one of my best and only friends. i don't know if he knows that. he lives hundreds of miles away and has a solid social network, so I don't know if he knows he's one of the most important people in my life. fuck me that's depressing. but I know Im not one of his closest friends by a long way. i don't think I'm anyone closest friend. shit. he didn't have a bad reaction to the gift, he seems to have liked it, but these reactions were over text, so i cant read the tone at all. i thought it was weird as well considering when it was my birthday, we opened my present together over facetime, so we could talk about it, so why was this over text? but also i just have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably hormonal at the minute and reading too much into everything, especially with the rsd.

but you know, being autistic, with alexithymia and rejection sensitivity dysphoria i have a complicated relationship with birthdays. i have always loved giving people presents to show how much they mean to me, but i learnt very quickly that my elaborate weirdly personal gifts weren't appreciated by most people so i stopped doing that a while ago. but you know, recently i thought fuck that, i want to be my authentic self. i am a stupidly emotional person and i am ridiculously devoted to those i love, friends and family alike. but people always misread my emotions, assuming i fancy them or stuff like that, to the point i even have to question myself - like a reverse of that moment in arrested development when Gob and that magician think they are in love with one another but its just friendship. people should really realise given how ace i am that i am not in love with them, at least as far as i am aware. but god forbid i try and do anything nice, i just don't understand why it makes people uncomfortable? especially when i a, only 'revealing' myself in this way who i feel comfortable around - in line with my efforts in unmasking myself.

and our friendhsip is tentative anyways because he's thought I had feelings for him a while ago - but I don't think that I do - everyone always thinks I'm in love with my friends. but its not my fault that we are all queer, suspected or confirmed neurodivergent nerds. I'm rambling like there is no tomorrow but I think basically what I'm saying is that his reaction made me overthink everything (it doesn't help that we went from talking on facetime a lot to now only talking on text after the accusation that I had feelings for him back in like January) I only just got him back as a friend, I don't want to lose him and I wish I was allowed to live out loud and express myself the way I want to without judgement from society, and those that I trust. I'm bored of hiding myself or walking on eggshells. and I feel like a twat because all of this is over a fucking shitty birthday present that I probably shouldn't have written in the first place. fucks sake. i hold on too tight to people I think. and that is never received well. i try to be normal in my friendships - especially the two I have at the minute. i get that they are the only two friends I have, and they have a bunch so I try not to annoy them when they are the only people I can talk to, but I don't think its working. gods all of this is just a fucking pity party and I need to get a fucking grip jesus christ

[ughgclden]

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

[timeagainreviews]

Reappraising Companions

Years after having watched every available episode of Doctor Who, I've had plenty of opportunities to rewatch episodes time and time again. As with most movies and television, I've found revisiting certain stories and eras has caused me to see them in a different light. A story I may have once reviled is suddenly more interesting. I even came to appreciate Peter Davison's performance as the Fifth Doctor for its subtle nature. But what about companions? Are there any companions I didn't care for at first, which I've softened toward over time? That is the question I wish to explore.

Below I've chosen a selection of companions of whom I had initially disliked for various reasons. They span across multiple eras and both the classic and modern versions of the show. With each companion, I have endeavoured to be fair in my reappraisal, but this doesn't mean I've changed my mind. I would also like to state that none of these appraisals are about the actors. My goal is to evaluate companions by the way they were written. The performance will come secondary.

1. Danny Pink

I chose Danny Pink to kick this list off because he is the reason I am writing this article in the first place. Recently, I took to rewatching a selection of Danny Pink episodes, in hopes that I may find something I didn't initially see. When Samuel Anderson was cast as Danny, I was excited. I've always been a big fan of male companions. They offer a different dynamic to the TARDIS that we don't often get to experience. However, in the wrong hands, they can be exhausting. Enter Steven Moffat.

When Steven Moffat took the reins of Doctor Who, he introduced us to Rory Williams. A smart, loyal, and combative male companion, not at all enamoured with the Doctor's mystique. At his worst, Rory was made to compete with the Doctor for Amy's affection. At his best, Rory held the Doctor accountable for the lives he brought aboard the TARDIS. With Danny, I felt like this is what Moffat was trying to do again, but this time, it wasn't as successful.

When we're introduced to Danny, we watch him and Clara fumble over their words like teenagers. It's meant to be cute, but their chemistry is non-existent. It feels like watching an episode of Coupling, in that it's painful and causes me to scan the room for exits. Their adorkable awkwardness is supposed to endear us to their relationship, but it seems forced. This is compounded when the Doctor enters the equation. Forcing Danny to fight for something very few of us in the audience believe in the first place.

Once again we find the male companion being forced to compete with the Doctor for the affection of a woman. But in this instance, instead of holding the Doctor accountable, Danny seems to hold the Doctor in contempt. Coming from his own history of military training and PTSD, Danny projects all of his inner struggles onto the Doctor. Which is unfortunate, as Danny's inner turmoil is his most humanistic trait. This wouldn't be the first time in Moffat's era where the Doctor's nature as a hero was called into play. The problem with Danny's appraisal of the Doctor as a general, barking orders, is that he's wrong. And we as an audience know it.

Not only do we know it, but so does the Doctor. The Doctor even gets a character arc over the identity crisis Danny gives him, wherein he realises Danny is wrong about him. Danny, however, never comes around to the Doctor's side. Even in his final moments on screen, he remains combative with the Doctor, in an exhausting refusal to grow as a character. We're supposed to believe he's come to some sort of character growth of self-acceptance by sacrificing his chance at a new life, for the life of a boy he mistakenly killed. Instead, he carries the same chip on his shoulder to his grave.

Danny is a companion wholly failed by writing. Even at his most heroic, it seems in service of making the Doctor look like a buffoon. His mimicking a soldier while yelling in the Doctor's face is embarrassing for everyone involved. Imagine this is your boyfriend meeting your friends. You would be mortified by his behaviour. Now imagine you have to lie about hanging out with your friends because it might make your boyfriend upset. Now imagine this friend is a very dashing person who constantly puts the lives of others before him. Danny and Clara's courtship is a romance by gaslight.

2. Clara Oswald

Clara is a whole other can of worms. I could probably dedicate an entire article to her character. I should clarify that my initial dislike for her character is somewhat mired in personal disappointment. By the time Clara was introduced, we had seen a string of modern human companions. We got the occasional tertiary companions from the future, such as Captain Jack or River Song. But we hadn't had a main companion from the past, future, or another planet. So when Jenna Coleman was introduced as Oswin Oswald, Junior Entertainment Manager of the starliner Alaska, I was very excited. Finally, a companion from the future! I was so ready for the Doctor to go on a quest to save Oswin from the cruel fate of becoming a Dalek. What an exciting storyline that was going to be.

And then we see her as governess Clara Oswin Oswald. Ok... Well at least she's still from a different era, right? Oh, she's dead now too? Oh. Much like Moffat's Dracula, all of this great promise was suddenly dashed against the rocks of a contemporary setting. Sigh. I was so excited. What we're given in “The Bells of St. John,” is a new character with less direction than either Oswin or the governess before her. So much that Moffat had taken to literally modulating her brain with an app. Maybe she's really good with computers now? Sorry friends, much like Rose Tyler's gymnastics and Peri Brown's botany, it's never going to come up again.

And this is the biggest issue I have had with Clara Oswald. She spends most of her screen time fluctuating between what character they're writing her as this week. The writers simply didn't know what to do with her while the Doctor tried to figure out why she's so "impossible." One week she's wacky, one week she's stern, another week she's bisexual queer bait. Her characterisation is all over the charts, which sadly, tracks with her entire storyline. She's a woman, fragmented across time, and so is her personality. And don't even get me started on that impossible girl nonsense.

Steven Moffat once said in an interview that one or two people usually guess his big reveal ahead of time, but that no one had guessed Clara's. Perhaps that's because nobody's fan theory was "It's going to be absolute shite." Instead of just being a woman who gets to be her own person, she has to become the most importantest companion. She has to save the Doctor by being planted throughout his timeline, saving him from the Great Intelligence. You know, by sometimes being born as herself, and other times being born as a Time Lord. Sometimes knowing who the Doctor is, other times having no idea whatsoever. Sometimes having a name that is a play on of Oswald, or Oswin, or Clara. And at no times did it make any kind of sense.

The funny thing is, that for me at least, Clara's character doesn't really become interesting until all of that nonsense is behind her. The Clara I find most compelling is the Clara in mourning. Clara post-Danny Pink is a Clara with focus. Her mood swings seem more from a place of destructive behaviour in the wake of great loss. Watching her hold the TARDIS keys hostage above a volcano was some seriously gripping stuff. Aside from the gross digs at her appearance, I found the Twelfth Doctor's relationship with Clara far more endearing than that of the Eleventh Doctor. It may have taken them until her final moments as a companion, but they did get her right, in the end.

3. Melanie Bush

Back in 2015, I had the opportunity to meet Louise Jameson, who played Leela, my all-time favourite Doctor Who companion. I also got to meet Colin Baker, who was all charm. Also in attendance was Bonnie Langford, aka, Doctor Who's Mel. After having gotten autographs from Louise and Colin, and having circled the convention hall a few times, I decided "Sure, why not. Let's meet Bonnie Langford. It's only 10 quid for an autograph." Upon meeting her, she was a very kind woman, and even still, I was racking my brain for something nice to say about Mel. To save face, I lied a very simple lie. I said, "I really liked you in Doctor Who." She smiled, said thank you, and signed my picture. And I walked away, taking my shitty liar mouth with me.

Because the fact is, I didn't like her in Doctor Who. I found every moment she was onscreen excruciating. From her poodle haircuts, to her 80's disaster attire, to her fat-shaming the Sixth Doctor, to her constant screaming at every little thing, she depressed me. I spoke in my review of "Terror of the Vervoids," just how weird it was that we're never actually introduced to her as a character. Instead, Peri is written off, and suddenly, Mel is there, already chummy with the Doctor. You guys know Mel, she's the Doctor's friend, because we told you she was! Instead of getting to know Mel slowly, we're thrown into the deep end, forced to sink or swim within the curls of red hair piled high. Mel doesn't just come out of nowhere, she comes on strong. Fitness expert Mel here to get your fat Doctor Who loving asses into shape. Drink this carrot juice you geek pig!

Not even in Big Finish audios was I finding myself warming up to Mel. When Ace was introduced, they couldn't have pushed Mel out quicker. I found everything about Ace immediately refreshing. Here was a calm and collected badass rebel that I could get behind. It's ironic then; that it was in the Seventh Doctor era that I have begun to find something likeable in Mel. Much like Clara Oswald,  a changing of Doctors enriched my appreciation for her character. This appreciation didn't come immediately, mind you, it came about around my third or fourth watch-through of "Paradise Towers."

Perhaps it's the influence of Andrew Cartmel, but with the Seventh Doctor, I have begun to appreciate Mel in the snarkiest manner. Mel is best utilised as a commentary on the Doctor/Companion relationship. She's precocious to a fault, she chews scenery, she screams at the drop of a hat, and she is oftentimes a naive idiot. Yet in "Paradise Towers," it becomes hilarious. Like much of the 80's era of Doctor Who, there is a very "2000 AD," atmosphere to the stories, and I could easily see this as a setting for Judge Dredd to drudge through, busting skulls and filling bodies with bullets. Setting the sunshiny persona of Mel against this backdrop is so brilliant that I can't imagine another companion in this story. Where she would usually grate against me, her sharp contrast from the things happening around her is exactly why I began to soften toward her.

Not even the ire from the Kangs could shake Mel's confidence, which is oddly what makes her cool. Or "ice-hot," as they would say. For the first time, Mel's headstrong sense of self makes her a rebel. She doesn't need to follow a crowd to feel accepted. Sadly, very few writers were able to find this core to Mel, but it was enough for me to be able to look at her in a different light. I could finally look at Mel and say I did like her in Doctor Who. Even if it was just for a moment, and even if it was somewhat at her expense. From a very cynical perspective, Mel can actually be pretty fun.

4. River Song

I know a lot of you are probably aghast to see River Song on this list, but I assure you, I have my reasons, and they are not without consideration. I should begin by saying some good things about River. She's smart, she's competent, she's got a healthy grasp on her sexuality, and she's cool. Why then did I not like her very much the first few times I watched her? Well, if you hadn't noticed, the bulk of this list are characters written by Steven Moffat, and once again, it all comes down to writing.

We're first introduced to River in the Tenth Doctor two-parter "Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead." At first, she's just one of a team of forgettable space scientists on an expedition. However, as she finds out the Doctor is who he is, her entire demeanour changes. Like Mel on steroids, we're given a heaping dose of "Who does this bitch think she is, being all familiar with the Doctor?" Only, instead of it lasting one episode, it's every interaction we have with her character beyond this point. Instead of getting to watch River and the Doctor grow as a couple, we're forced to watch them meet in opposite directions. It is the antithesis of "show, don't tell." Everything about the Doctor and River's relationship is implied. "You're going to love me someday," she promises. Couldn't we just see it play out naturally? Spoilers.

This idea is one that can only really be done on a show like Doctor Who, where things are wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey. The problem is, this doesn't mean that the idea is worth exploring, or even successful. It's made even worse when the relationship implied is one deeper than friendship. The Doctor is famously chaste, married only to his TARDIS and what lies ahead. Because of this, the idea of a person the Doctor will someday trust enough to share his real name and eventually marry carries with it a sizeable amount of convincing. Such a huge shift in the show's dynamic requires a lot of character development. Sadly none of that is to be seen onscreen. Who is Jim the Fish? Who cares? Steven Moffat's joke of "I'll explain later," became painfully prophetic of his time as showrunner.

I've got no complaints about River being a Time Lord, or even her being the child of Amy and Rory. Those elements are fine, really. It's the way in which she is presented which I find most detrimental to her character. I never did buy into the idea that the Doctor loved her as a wife. Their wedding seemed necessary to save the universe, as opposed to a union made out of love. Any kind of enjoyment I've ever gotten out of River stems mostly out of my love for Alex Kingston's performance. Where the show fails to establish her, she more than makes up for in style and substance. I grew to like River Song, despite the show's failure to ground her properly. River grew on me as she always said she would, but by no effort on the part of the writers. River is cool because River is cool, not because it was inferred that she was.

5. Susan

If you’ve followed this blog long enough, you’ll know I’ve already mellowed on Susan. In my reviews of the First Doctor era, I’ve had mostly good things to say about her character. This doesn’t change the fact that I found her utterly irritating at first, and it feels appropriate to talk about it here.

My initial dislike for Susan is a lot like my intial dislike for Clara. A lot of it was wrapped up in my own expectations of the character. Susan is the Doctor’s granddaughter. She is a Time Lord, therefore she should also be brilliant. And we get a lot of that in her first episode. She is mysterious, she’s enigmatic, and she is brilliant. Even her teachers at school found her perplexing. But the show doesn’t continue down that line. In fact, there are times when they make Susan borderline stupid. But how much of this is clouded by my own preconceptions?

For starters, Susan wasn’t a Time Lord. At least, not then. She was just a young girl. She may have been smarter than her fellow students, but this played more into how she was raised. So when the show depicts Susan screaming at every little thing, grabbing her hair dramatically, it smashed apart my mental image of a Time Lord. I couldn’t appreciate that they had her act this way to help sell a bad effect. Oftentimes Susan, like many Doctor Who companions, had her character sacrificed to make the baddies scarier. It was a product of her time, and even still I feel her character suffers for it.

However, one of the things I have discovered through repeat viewings of the First Doctor era is the surprising amount of character development among the TARDIS crew. The Doctor, Ian, Barbara, and Susan all go through deep character development that was sadly often secondary in classic Doctor Who. Before the nature of the Doctor and companions was transient, there was a feeling of a family bond forming. Through this, I have come to find Susan to be a rather deep and sensitive person.

When it comes time to say goodbye to Susan, I can’t say I exactly agreed with the method. The Doctor locking her out and deciding she was mature enough to set out on her own felt hasty. But I would be lying if I didn’t agree that Susan had gone from a little girl to a young woman at that point. When you stop expecting Susan to be the Doctor, and allow her to be a kid, she grows on you instantly.

6. Adric

Let's be honest; it's not really original to hate on Adric. It's nothing new to point out what a bad companion he is, but here we are. Something I constantly endeavour to do on this blog is to be fair. One of my biggest complaints about the Doctor Who fandom is the proprietary attitude people take toward the fandom. The "I don't like it; therefore you shouldn't like it," attitude spat with such vitriol is one of the worst parts about being in the Doctor Who fandom. So when you say "Adric is my favourite companion," I'm not devising an argument for how wrong you are, it's fine. Like who you like. This doesn't mean I'm not also thinking in my head "What? Why?" Because I honestly, without malice, do not understand.

The most I ever enjoyed Adric, was in his introductory story "Full Circle." Setting him against a group of fellow Alzarians dilutes his lesser qualities. In fact, when paired with Varsh, he almost seems likeable. Sadly, we have to say goodbye to Varsh, and it's downhill from there. We're forced to watch a contrarian boy genius butt heads with the Doctor while he waddles around in a toddler's outfit while showing off his pound shop sheriffs badge for "mathematical excellence," to anyone who will listen. Adric is so obnoxious that he makes Wesley Crusher seem likeable in contrast.

However, it's not just his contrarian nature that makes me despise Adric, he's also disloyal to the Doctor and his friends. He's so susceptible to bad ideas as long as they a presented logically, that I've dubbed him the Ben Shapiro of the TARDIS. He's a smarmy little shit who believes himself superior to women, and he's really got no justification for his ill-placed self-confidence. Constantly demanding respect while giving very little reason to deserve it, he's like a poster child for incels. To make matters worse, he's oftentimes wrong and easily duped into taking the side of evil, turning him into more of a liability than an asset.

Recently, the idea that the Thirteenth Doctor could save someone from sacrificing themselves by using the TARDIS at the last moment to save them came under fire. "Why didn't the Doctor do this for Adric?" they said, forgetting conveniently when the Twelfth Doctor did the exact same thing in "Into the Dalek." But yes, why indeed? Why would the Doctor ever let a duplicitous, argumentative braggart die by their own stupid need to solve a math problem? My headcanon is that the Doctor got better at flying the TARDIS. The real reason is that people hated his character. The silence over the credits after Adric dies isn't out of respect for the character. The real reason is that the BBC couldn't secure the rights to Kool and the Gang's "Celebrate Good Times," before it aired.

Listen, I am not unsympathetic toward Matthew Waterhouse. He never should have been given such a big role, considering his utter lack of ability at the time. I imagine it was his own insecurity that fuelled his on-set antics. Giving unsolicited advice to veteran actors is cringey, but also the actions of a young and naive boy, in over his head. I know I said I was going to try and treat the performance as secondary, but in this case, it goes hand in hand. He has the stage presence of a fake. Every moment he's onscreen is disingenuous. The fact that he is present at the death of my favourite Doctor, stinking up the scene is genuine pain to me. If he has been made better in Big Finish, I've not yet heard it. As of now, there is nothing I've seen of Adric that has changed my opinion. But I'm glad if he makes you happy.

[kieren-fucking-walker]

Hi, most of you know me as Kieren, I’m very queer, I write a lot of long and rambly posts about DGHDA, and I’m here to talk to you about asexual Todd Brotzman. I know the idea won’t be popular, but tbh I don’t care.

Buckle up, this is a long one.

Now, I love a good ace Dirk headcanon as much as the next person (I hc him as demi and gay), and I’m just as willing to talk about that, but right now I want to shift the focus to Todd because characters like Dirk get hc’d as ace quite often (I’m NOT saying that’s a bad thing, as a gay ace with adhd? I love that hc) but Todd? I like the idea of Todd being ace and I wanted to talk about why, or perhaps what that would look like. 

I look at Todd in general as a person who has almost a disconnect from his sexuality. He’s repressed in a lot of areas of his life, especially when we first meet him, and I’ve always hc’d him as being bi (whether romantic or sexual depends on the headcanon, I’m able to hold multiple headcanons at once, but for the purpose of this post we’re going with biromantic.) He likes men, he likes women, he tries not to think too much about it and is generally less likely to go after men both for his own insecurities and because of said repression. He’s okay with being bi, he just doesn’t share it, and it’s easier to get with women a lot of the time so that’s what he does. Aside from a few fumbled, drunken instances he’s never really tried the whole relationship with a guy thing, and it doesn’t really bother him, he knows he likes both, and he doesn’t need to prove it to himself. Also he hasn’t really had a relationship in rather a long time, and so it hasn’t really come up for him recently. He has mixed feelings about that. 

Now when I think about ace Todd, I think of it like this. Todd doesn’t realise he’s ace for a very long time. 

He’s always struggled in relationships. He’s not struggled so much getting into them, at least not when he was younger, there were plenty of people who liked boys who could play guitar and could at least pretend to be charming, but maintaining them? That’s a whole other thing. He’s never really been able to connect, never been able to make it feel like it’s meant to be, and he’s liked people, of course he has, he’s enjoyed being in relationships with them, and spending time with them, and even kissing them to an extent, but when it gets past that... he struggles with it. And it causes problems, because he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t have words for it, he doesn’t know how to talk about it, he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to explain that yes, he really likes this person but he can’t seem to make himself want them the way they want him to. It causes strain, and arguments, and eventually things fall apart. His relationships follow a pattern, and it all seems to stem back to him.

He tries, of course. Todd is a giver, a caretaker, he likes making people feel wanted and looked after, and yes he can be a bit of an asshole, especially when he’s younger, but he genuinely cares for these people, he wants to make the relationship work, especially when he knows it’s a failure on his part. And sex? Sex is... fine. He’s not going to initiate it, he’s not really thinking about it, he doesn’t really need it but... it’s a part of a relationship and he’s not completely opposed to it. It’s like doing the laundry, neither pleasant or unpleasant but something he’ll do to make things run smoother. So he gets on with it, and it’s fine, but that doesn’t mean they don’t notice. It’ll work for a while, but eventually they’ll start to realise he never initiates, that he freezes up before he gets into it, that he never really does get into it, not the way people in love do, and so in the end it just prolongs the pattern. Eventually it comes back to the same arguments, the same things he can’t explain, the same break-ups. By the time he’s twenty five he’s decided that the reason he doesn’t feel it, doesn’t get into it, can’t connect, is because there isn’t a connection. All of those relationships were nice but he was never in love with them. When- if he ever falls in love, it’ll all fall into place. There’s nothing wrong with him, he just hasn’t met the right person to make it work yet, and one day he’ll fall in love with all the butterflies and fireworks and what the hell else is meant to happen when you find the one and it will all make sense. He’ll finally make the connection he wants to, the emotional depth that’s been lacking in all his previous relationships, and when he does he’ll want it just like everyone else does. He makes his peace with that, it’s reassuring, it gives him hope that there isn’t anything wrong with him it’s just not the right person yet because nobody isn’t sexually attracted to people, right? But some people just take time, and he must be one of those people. It’s fine. For years, he’s okay with that.

Then, years later when he’s all but forgotten that there’s something fundamentally wrong with him, he falls in love with Dirk. 

It all goes to shit from there. 

Not at first of course, at first it’s lovely and fun and wonderful. Every good thing he can think of, like nothing he’s ever experienced before. He’s in love, he knows he is this time, he’s never made a connection like this, never wanted to hold onto something as badly as he does this, never wanted to make something work as much as he does this. This is fireworks and butterflies and oh god I think I believe in soulmates, this is everything. 

Except, it changes nothing. 

He’d do anything for Dirk, he’d die for him if he needed to, it’s the kind of love that he’s never really truly believed existed until he felt it. And Todd still doesn’t want to have sex with him. 

He tries, oh god does he try. And he’s okay with the kissing, that’s nice, that’s good, as long as it doesn’t go too far, and Dirk is... respectful would be a good word for it. He doesn’t push, doesn’t insist, but Todd isn’t stupid, he’s done this before, and he knows when it’s getting to a point where someone wants something he just can’t give them. He wants to though, and so he tries. He tries to go along with it, go through the motions, but when he’d thought being in love would make it feel right it turns out it just makes it feel more wrong, because everything else is perfect and this is the only piece that doesn’t fit, rather than the whole situation being a mess like it was before when he was doing this to try and salvage it. There are times, when he freezes up, when he can’t quite push himself into it, that he finds himself wishing Dirk was the kind of asshole who would just apply pressure and not care either way about how into it Todd was just as long as he said he could. He’s not though, Todd wouldn’t be anywhere near as in love with him as he is if he was, and Dirk is nothing if not perceptive. When Todd pushes him away, no matter how small the hesitancy is, Dirk notices. And he stops, because he’s Dirk, and that’s the kind of person he is, but there’s always a moment where he looks... confused. Hurt. An expression Todd knows and doesn’t know how to fix  when he can’t give him what he wants. Todd always knew he was fucked up, but this just proves it. He’s broken in a way he doesn’t know how to fix, and he’s breaking this relationship in a way he doesn’t know how to fix, not when Dirk won’t just let him go along with it and pretend he likes it for his sake. Todd can do that, he’s done it before. He gets the feeling that this time it would break the whole relationship apart though, and he doesn’t know what to do with that either. 

So he starts pulling away more. He can’t stand the hurt expression on Dirk’s face when he puts a stop to their makeout sessions, he can’t stand the confusion when he knows he doesn’t have a good enough answer. But more than that he knows Dirk deserves everything he wants, deserves everything Todd can’t give him, and he doesn’t want to trap him here with someone who can’t even show him how much he loves him in the one way that people know to do that. So he pulls away, in the hope that Dirk will give up on him and move on. And it will hurt, it will tear him up from the inside, but when Dirk doesn’t do that he decides he has to do it himself. 

So one day he puts on the bravest face he can manage, tries to summon up the part of him that knows how to be an asshole, and tells Dirk that he thinks it would be for the best if they didn’t do this anymore. He can’t look him in the eyes when he does. 

Dirk is confused, like he knew he would be, hurt like he was dreading, and when he asks Todd why, Todd just shakes his head and tries not to cry. It turns out he’s not as brave as he’d thought, and when Dirk apologises for whatever it is he thinks he has to apologise for Todd pulls the oldest card there is and tells him “it’s not you, it’s me.” Only he means it. 

When Dirk’s answer comes, it’s soft and confused, a simple protest of, “but you haven’t done anything,” that makes Todd laugh bitterly, and try to pretend he’s not crying. Because that’s the problem, isn’t it? Todd hasn’t done anything. He doesn’t want to do anything. He doesn’t look at Dirk the way Dirk looks at him, he doesn’t want the same things he does, he doesn’t even know how to want it and he wants to give it to him but he can’t because on some fundamental human level Todd is wrong. He’s broken and he doesn’t know why, he doesn’t know how to fix it and he doesn’t know how to make himself want that and now it’s ruined the only thing he does want, the one thing he’s wanted more than anything, just like it’s ruined all the other things because Todd can’t give Dirk what he wants and that means he has nothing left to offer him. It’s not fair to trap him in that, and so he’s trying to let him go only now he’s asking questions and Todd is crying, and of course he’s just said all of that to Dirk because he’s been holding it in for so long and Dirk at least deserves to know it’s Todd who’s fucked this up and not him. 

There’s a long silence after that, where Todd does his best to pretend he isn’t crying and he hasn’t just spilled his guts all over everywhere in the messiest way possible, and just waits for Dirk to leave. 

Dirk, being Dirk, doesn’t leave. Instead he takes his hand (and asks if it’s okay, because he’s Dirk, and Todd can only nod) and asks him, carefully, if he’s ever heard of the term asexual. 

Todd has, in passing once or twice, but he doesn’t know what it means. So Dirk tells him, explains as much as he can, explains that he’s that too, somewhere, less than Todd, or in a different way. Demi, he says, and explains that too, only Todd is going to have to ask him to go through that later again because right now his head is spinning and he can’t seem to understand much that’s being said because somehow he’s made it all the way to thirty six and never once known there was a word for it. It’s like his life is slowly starting to make some kind of sense in retrospect, and the idea that it really could be that simple is almost overwhelming. It takes a long time for Todd to work through all his questions, all his justifications, all of his if-’s and but-’s and no, because-’s but they do. They sit there all night. Dirk stays with him while he talks himself into and around it, answers what he can and gives opinions on what he can’t, and waits for Todd to draw his own conclusions as the morning starts to draw in on them. When they finally go to bed Dirk asks if holding him is okay. Knowing now that this time it’s free from the expectation of anything else, it’s the best Todd has felt with close contact in years.

Things start to adjust from there. 

Todd researches, uncertainly at first lest it turns out that the term doesn’t fit him after all, but the more he reads the more sense it makes and somewhere he starts to find himself able to breathe a little easier. There’s a word for it, and it’s a thing, and Dirk knows what it means which means he understands him. More than that though, it means that Todd isn’t... he isn’t broken, he’s just something else, something he never knew existed, (and god did Dirk ever give him the most gentle lecture he’s ever had about thinking that in the first place, about thinking that he had nothing else to offer him, about thinking he couldn’t be happy without doing anything more than what they were already doing, or less even.) And of course just having the word doesn’t make the problems go away. It doesn’t make him worry any less that he’s not giving Dirk what he wants, it doesn’t stop him from feeling any less broken or wrong when he can’t think in the way he’s always been taught he was supposed to, it doesn’t stop him from being prone to panic over the idea that Dirk might one day decide he can get that something elsewhere and leave him every now and again.

But it gives him a way to talk about it, a way to be understood, a way to understand himself. And over time those worries happen less and less, he and Dirk work out together what’s good and what isn’t, and Dirk never presses for more, never tries to cross the lines Todd felt so guilty setting in the first place when they’d just started to talk about it. They work it out, and they’re happy, and Todd had always thought deep down that the only way he was ever going to hold onto someone, was either by being ‘fixed’ or forcing himself to go through with things that made him feel uncomfortable, but it turns out that’s not true. There’s no fixing something that isn’t wrong, there’s no love from a person who doesn’t respect your boundaries, and maybe it took him a lot longer to get here than most people do, but he’s found his own way to be happy with someone on their own terms. It doesn’t matter in the end, that it’s not conventional. 

So yeah, I may write Todd not being ace a lot of the time, but I have a lot of feelings for my ace Todd headcanon too. He gets aggressively (if quietly) proud of it in the end, stitches a flag patch onto his jacket next to his bi one, and finally, finally feels like things make sense.

[eldritchsurveys]

o62.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x​ ]] What is the most you’ve ever eaten in one sitting? >> I have no idea, really... probably like 7/8ths of a pizza? Or maybe something else. I also don’t pay a whole lot of attention, so, you know.

How often do you skip breakfast? >> “Breakfast” is a hard concept for me to lock onto, because I usually eat at some point after waking up, but it’s not like... a dedicated meal. I just eat when I’m too hungry not to.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without leaving the house? >> Here, probably five days or so.

Where are you going the next time you go out? >> Sparrow is going to this... idk, informal memorial thing or something for one of her grandparents so I guess I’m going with her lol.

Did/do you miss a lot of school or do you have a good attendance record? >> I had an impeccable attendance record until high school, and the only reason I didn’t have an impeccable one in high school is because I was in and out of the hospital by eleventh grade.

What are some weird habits you have while eating/about food in general? >> I don’t like certain textures (things being mushy when they’re not Supposed to be is the best example). Produce has to be inspected and vetted before I put it in my mouth; any imperfection is liable to put me off eating it. I don’t like messy sandwiches (have had shutdowns in restaurants because of messy burgers and such). Probably more, but I don’t really think about it until someone points it out or I inconvenience someone else with a habit of mine.

What kinds of things are likely to make you cry? >> Certain movies. Grey’s Anatomy. Some of the things Can Calah says. A lot of the things Wednesday says. That’s really it as far as “likely” is concerned.

What are some things that make others cry that don’t make you cry at all? >> Animal death and most people’s deaths (David Bowie was a special case and I’ll fight anyone about it) are the only things I can think of that are almost guaranteed to make other people cry but generally don’t affect me on that exact same level. Other than that, I feel like the things that make people cry are as varied as people themselves, and it’s really difficult to compare this sort of thing.

If you drink/smoke, how often do you do these things? >> As of the past month or so, I’ve been drinking significantly less in comparison to earlier habits. I opened a bottle of wine a couple of weeks ago and I only just drank the last of it a couple of days ago. I’ve had a four-pack of Backwoods Bastard for at least a week and a half, and I still have two left. I don’t even drink enough to get past tipsy anymore, I just kinda stop myself when I notice the “hey we feel great, so that means drink more!” impulse, because I know it’s a fallacy and it’s one discipline-related thing I can teach myself right now -- to ignore that voice. I don’t really just... sit and drink anymore, which is an improvement. I think it’s finally just lost most of its appeal -- alcohol is too much of a stressor on the body-mind and I’m tired of it. I don’t smoke anymore; I try to sometimes because I still have this pack of cloves and I’m just like “meh” every time. I would still smoke weed, though, but I don’t have access to that.

Where was the last place you went out to eat and what did you order?What do you think of fast food? >> I actually don’t remember... I’m sure we went out at some point after Chicago but I’m just blanking on it. So I’ll just say Nando’s, which was in Chicago, and we ordered wings and chips (and I got one of the custards). I like fast food, I think it’s great. I just can’t eat it often because I have a bougie body. (You can thank my father for that.)

What website do you spend the most time on and why? >> tumblr, because I genuinely enjoy it here.

What’s the most amount of time you’ve spent online? Is this usual for you? >> Like, in a day? All of it. And yeah, that’s pretty standard for me, although video games now influence how much time I’m actually on the web (as opposed to using the internet connection for the game).

What is something you daydream about often? >> I don’t know that I daydream. I am either in meatspace or inworld, but I don’t think I play around in dreamscapes much. Inworld kind of is like a dreamscape, in the sense that it’s sensitive to Our needs and wants and adapts accordingly, so I guess that limits my need for daydreaming...? I don’t know. When I do daydream it’s to get ideas for writing stuff, I think.

What is one belief you used to have, but no longer do? In what ways are you influenced by the opinions of others, if ever? >> I used to believe that my identity was set in stone and I couldn’t do anything about that. And I guess I’m reasonably influenced by the opinions of others -- like, I’ll always consider a convincing argument. I try not to get caught up too much in confirmation bias, but that’s always going to be a pitfall, too. Mostly I just try to keep an open mind, because it’s valuable to me not to get too tunnel-visioned or “this is how it is and anything else is wrong!” about anything. After all, what do I know, right?

What was the last thing to make you feel good about yourself? >> I don’t remember. Uncertainty (regarding myself, my development, my contribution to society, etc) has been a struggle lately, but I guess that’s just human.

How would you describe your overall (or preferred) personal aesthetic? >> Right now I’m just kind of a lazy goth/metalhead. It’s difficult for me to shop for clothing and I also don’t have a lot of money. Plus, it doesn’t matter as much to me as it did when I was a little younger and had to look like a goth fashion plate at all times. (I did look good, though! :p)

What kinds of small judgments are you likely to make about others? >> I make a lot of inconsequential snap judgements about people on tumblr, mostly, because that’s the most contact I have with strangers on a regular basis. You know, like... “oh god you must not get off tumblr much if you’re discoursing about whether aces belong in the queer community” or “oh my god you really can’t stand to see the word queer ever in your life? smh” stuff like that. Mostly because I’m fucking tired of the discourse, but luckily I don’t see much of it on my dashboard so I usually don’t have much snarky internal commentary to make. 

What was the last thing you did mostly because society expected you to? >> That’s a good question but I don’t remember, lol.

When was the last time you felt out of place? >> In “bougie Meijer” (the Meijer in Cascade, which is an upscale part of town... they have Tesla charger ports in the parking lot, if that’s any indication) earlier. It’s such a low-grade alienation that I don’t even notice it anymore, but like... just going a lot of places in Michigan makes me feel out of place and socially/culturally alienated. I have never belonged here and I don’t expect to ever feel like I belong here.

Do you believe in aliens, spirits, or angels of any sort? >> Sure. I see no reason not to.

In what ways are you superstitious? >> I’m not sure. I don’t think I am, really; I think I have a few minor compulsions at best, but I’m not really superstitious per se.

What is something you wish for right now? >> To not have a reproductive system.

Where was the last place you went walking and how far? Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? >> Uh... the mall, I guess? Does that count? LOL. Wasn’t very far. I don’t do much walking these days. And I don’t know, I’d just... rather not exercise at all. Doing it with others doesn’t really make it any more fun for me because that’s how much I hate it.

What kinds of nail polish colors do you prefer to wear? How about makeup? >> Black, usually. I like other colours, I just... feel more comfortable in black. I like gold and dark shimmery colours in makeup, and plum-toned lip colour.

How would you describe your own relationship with makeup? >> I don’t really have a relationship with it, I wear it sometimes for the lulz but usually I don’t have the patience for it. It’s a huge hassle for someone like me.

Who has been in your life the longest amount of time? What about the shortest? >> I think Elle has been in my life for the longest amount of time (9 years). Shortest... Rez, I think (maybe 7 or 8 months? idk time isn’t real).

Who was the last person to leave your life? How about return to it? >> I just realised some of these questions got mushed together when I copied it and they weren’t supposed to be answered that way, lmao. Oops. Oh well, what’s done is done. The last person to leave my life was Sigma and the last one to return to it was Hallie.

When it comes to travel, what kinds of places intrigue you most? >> Culturally-rich places, places where people look more like me, places where colonisation and/or Westernisation hasn’t completely supplanted the local culture and religion, places where nature isn’t treated like something to conquer.

Do you think humans colonizing Mars is a good idea? Would you go, if you could? >> I think it’s an amazing idea, and I love it. Whether it’s a “good” idea or not is better argued by people who have knowledge of these things. I don’t know if it’s a “good” idea or not, but I know it makes me very excited, and that’s all I can speak about. I would absolutely go if I could.

What is the farthest you’ve walked in one day and what made you do it? >> Probably a few miles. Well, there was one time when I was stuck in North Carolina and I wanted out and I... well, it’s a long story, lmao, I’ll certainly tell it but not in the middle of a survey. I’ve also walked many city blocks in a day when I lived in New York, for funsies or for free travel... but I don’t know how to translate that unit of measurement into more standard units.

Why do or don’t you prefer to make New Year resolutions? If you make them, what kinds are likely to stick? >> I don’t make them because there’s no way a New Year resolution is going to stick any harder for me than it would if I made the resolution any other time of year. I think NYRs are cool and fine, they just are ineffective for me personally. Also, I try not to put that kind of pressure on myself unless it’s absolutely necessary, and if it is, then it doesn’t matter what time of year it is.

Do you have a chore/housecleaning routine or anything like that? >> Not... really. 

How organized would you say your living space is? >> My room is vaguely disorganised only because my storage options are limited and the space is small so things get out of hand really quickly. It does bother me but I try not to get too far into my head about it because honestly, it really isn’t that big a deal, I’m just crazy. The rest of the apartment is in various stages of array or disarray because Sparrow, lol.

What is one thing your ideal living situation would include? >> A big bathroom with a big glass-door shower with dark stone instead of white tile. (Or maybe no doors. Just the showerhead(s) and a sloped floor for proper drainage. I don’t know, I just have this badbrains complex about small white bathrooms with a lot of “hidden”/hard-to-clean nooks that’s really been ruining my life.)

What is something important that’s often on your mind lately? >> Me. Hurr hurr. :B Uh... I can’t think of anything specific, you know, it’s just... life. Things about me and my development, things about how I can be a “good/better” (that’s not the word set I would use exactly, but you know what I mean... like “effective” but not quite so clinical) SO, things about being human and what it means for me to be human, things about my fear of death and how to deal with it, things about how to help myself since I can’t seem to get any professional help, adulting things like finances and stuff, and so on.

What about something unimportant, but you can’t stop thinking about it? >> Hmm... I don’t know! Probably like... how much I miss NOLA. That ain’t important. But it feels important to me! :’(

Do you find it easier to forgive yourself or others? >> I don’t really think about forgiveness, it’s not a concept that has much use for me. I really do think it’s like... a religious sort of thing, like a ritualistic “I have let go of this thing for the moral good” kind of cathartic... rite??? I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve never felt the need to make a point to Forgive Someone. It always seemed like an extra step, like... I’ve already processed this pain and I’m learning how to accept myself as this new creature with this new scar and I’m moving on with my life... oh, wait, now I have to Forgive too? I’m already moving on! Isn’t that the same thing? Or like, if I let someone back into my life, then I have to Forgive them too? That isn’t the same thing???? It really confuses me and I know sometimes I just sound Dense or like I’m playing dumb or something but like... listen, I live in this brain, and it works the way it works. Sue me. And if I’m not wreaking bloody vengeance on you, then just... call it “forgiven” if you must, and let’s move on! Please, for our fathers’ sake! :’)

Have you ever had to call 911? For who/what reason? >> Yeah. My first boyfriend, Tommy, was an addict and overdosed twice in one week. I had to call the ambulance both times. (His GP had prescribed him a giant ass bottle of Vicodin for this “old injury” pain he complained of. When I say “giant”, I mean like... there were 150 pills in there. I remember this because the EMTs had me count how many were left, and it was something like 70. He’d only gotten them a few days prior, like a week prior at most. They made me count twice because it seemed so implausible to them. But nope! His GP was a fucking idiot and he was a career addict!!! It be’s like that!!!!!) (And THEN, to top it off, this fucking dude came over and brought drugs with him! And gave them to Tommy! He got his ass beat in the hospital elevator by Tommy’s best friend and threatened into disappearing, though, so that solved that problem. (I know because I was there.)) Great story, huh! I was also still in pharmacy tech school at this time! I did my homework in the ER! I don’t think I knew what sleep was for a week! ...I know there are a lot of exclamation points in here and it looks like I’m still upset, but actually I’m just fucking amazed at some of my experiences sometimes. Like... and yet! I’m still out here!!!!

What was the last book you purchased? Have you started reading it yet? >> The last book I bought was... hmm... I don’t remember. But the last book I was bought was A Book That Takes Its Time, which Hallie bought me because I thought his copy was so neat :’) <3 I read one chapter, I think (it’s not a reading-book as much as a, like... doing-book, a contemplating-book), but then other stuff took precedence so I haven’t gotten back to it yet. Soon! I promise :p

Do you like oatmeal? If so, what kinds of things do you like in it? >> I do! I haven’t eaten it lately because I don’t eat a lot of heavy stuff in the summertime, but I love it in fall and winter. I usually just put ghee and cinnamon and honey or maple syrup in mine. Very filling, hehe.

What was going on the last time you felt nostalgic? >> I was thinking about when I lived in 7F, and like... there’s no way I would ever, ever, want to go back to living in that rundown NYCHA apartment where I slept on the living room floor along with anywhere from 1 to 4 other people (sometimes up to 6 on random nights), where I had nothing to myself and I was at the whim of the leaseholder (who could be capricious sometimes, just like us all), and where I basically spent 90% of my time intoxicated in some way just to... not fall into the black pit of despair or boredom or loneliness. I don’t. I would be perfectly happy to never see it again barring maybe a couple of visits in the future, if that’s a thing that happens. But nostalgia is patently stupid, and it tries to form unnecessary attachments to every memory, and so sometimes I’m like “damn, them were the days” and like, really, Shadow? Really? Them were NOT the days. ...But one thing I will say-- I’ve got some great stories from living in that apartment.

How much attention do you pay to the movements of the stars and planets, and do you believe they influence anything? >> I pay a moderate amount of attention... like, I could definitely stand to pay more attention, because I do find it interesting, but I just never make time for it, yanno. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to assume their influence in our lives, since we’re all star-stuff and ~cosmic relativity~ and... I don’t know. It just gels very well with my worldview (my universe-view, if you will) and I don’t see any reason to debunk it just for the sheer sake of... cynicism, or whatever gets people hard these days.

When was the last time you were afraid to tell someone something? >> I really don’t remember.

When was the last time something didn’t go the way you expected it would? >> When I went to the Love Wins thing and the Blue Bridge did NOT light up rainbow at nightfall!!!! I was mad as hell, lmao. I wanted to show Hallie.

What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? >> Hmm.... Silent Hill 4? That was a long time ago, though, so my memory of its difficulty might be skewed by exactly how bad I was at video games back then. Maybe WoW, because it’s an MMO with a lot of elements, and it took me a long time to figure out all those elements -- but once I did, it really helped me with other games, so I really enjoy how the learning curve is getting smoother and smoother with the more games I play. It’s kind of like muscle memory but also like... just pattern recognition, really.

What was the last thing you just couldn’t understand? >> Why people glorify terrible child-raising practices instead of thinking, “you know, maybe that was fucked up and maybe I shouldn’t repeat it”. I also still can’t fucking understand why Jay sent me a friend request on facebook. HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID!!!! WE ARE NOT FRIENDS

Other than this survey, what was the last question you were asked that you didn’t want to answer? >> The last question that I was asked that I didn’t want to answer.... yeah, I really don’t know??? I just have a hard time remembering this kind of thing unless there was specific reason for me to hang onto it and rehash it in my mind or whatever. idk! good survey tho. :B