#but i obviously prioritize following as much as i can irl

[shalom-iamcominghome]

So, on the topic of kosher video game runs, I have just remembered that I'm challenging myself to do a kosher stardew run. And it's working out about as well as it's been working irl (there was a shrimp cocktail in my fridge and I was so scared 😭)

[aroallow]

i found you from following #aroallo

there is indeed far too little slut representation aromantic tumblr. i vibe thus more with term like solopoly and relationship anarchy which are obviously not the same but are more useful to me irl

wow my first ask damn that’s crazy I’m famous guys 🙏🏽

I started rambling so it’s a long post.. putting it under the cut! (Gods I hope this works never tried it before it’ll be embarrassing if it doesn’t)

I love relationship anarchy! I think it’s such a great reclamation of aromantic identity that honestly benefits everyone. Sort of our special way of contributing to the greater community.

I’ve never heard of solopoly! I’m assuming we’re talking about non romantic polygamy? That’s what I found from searching it.. let me know if I’m wrong! It’s a super cool way of living! I’m pretty sure I’m ambigamous. But I do also love the idea of having a single committed sexual partner. I like the idea of it being held to the same standard as a traditional romantic relationship, and recognized with the same appreciation. Those are my thoughts on that.

Honestly, with my post I really did mean it in a more general sense. Not even in a case of aroallos being sluts “practically” (I’ve never had a consensual sexual partner, personally 😳), but rather, celebrating aromantic sexuality, rather than just excusing it (ex. “aroallos don’t just want sex they’re still people too!1!1!1!”). I want our representation to fully embrace ALL parts of our identity, not just give a model example that acts like a “gotcha” so we can be like “look! actually we ARE acceptable! take that!”

I want representation that is UNAPOLOGETICALLY SLUTTY. I don’t want to have to keep apologizing for my identity and justifying myself. Sexual attraction is not shameful, and it sure as hell isn’t shameful when it’s an aromantic experiencing it. It’s beautiful, and it is intrinsic to our identity and i love it.

I identify as aroallo instead of alloaro partially because I think it sounds better, but also because I’m still ashamed to prioritize my allosexuality as part of my identity. In reality, my allosexuality is more prominent to my identity than my aromanticism, but I’m still scared of that being the first thing I use to represent myself. I know it’s a minor matter of which syllable comes first in a word, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and I’m working on being comfortable enough with myself to take charge of how I choose to IDENTIFY myself, practically

Anyways! I know not much of this connects to what you said, but I really appreciate you coming back to me about the things I’m sharing on here. Makes me feel heard and appreciated!

[notnctu]

switchin’ lanes - l.jn | ridin’ club

━ welcome to the ridin’ club smut series 

genre ➠ slow burn, smut, pwp???, fluff (if u squint) wordcount ➠ 8.3k details ➠  fem!reader, streetracer!jeno, badboy!jeno, college!au,  ━ where you and jeno are in a relationship, but not with each other. warnings ➠ explicit language, cheating, flirty banter, alcohol consumption, drugs, yall at a party, physical fighting (not with you), mentions of cuts/bruises, hickeys, drunk public dry humping, thigh riding, fingering, oral (f/receiving) synopsis ➠ If your boyfriend didn’t decide to join such a stupid unofficial club, then maybe you wouldn’t be in such a sticky situation where Lee Jeno is literally knuckles deep in your sticky situation as he drives you home. Or maybe if your boyfriend actually touched you, then you wouldn’t be seeking it from someone else, who can’t keep his hands off of you. taglist ➠ @rabbit-doyochi ; @darkneogotmyback ; @im-lame-irl ; @p-mini ; @niniluvsmarkhyuck ; @saniahmichael ; @jaehy9ngs ; @danyxthirstae01 ; @jaehyunoos ; @pikijaemin ; @suhweo​ ; @dearlyminhyung​

a/n ➠ hi yall its author doie❀!! i hope you enjoy the series pls leave me feedback lmaoo ill literally take anything. we also hit a milestone for followers and honestly its so crazy to know how quickly this tiny sideblog has grown! we’re so thankful that yall follow us, thank u for lovin us and we will try our best to put out more content!! also through the lens hit 1k notes how is that even possible like wow im speechless thank u for everyone who left such kind comments i treasure every form of feedback :) 

The heavy double doors of the classroom stare tauntingly at you. The evening setting in, painting the sky with strokes of orange and pink. You managed to remain complaint free the entire day, until your forgetful boyfriend canceled on you because of a club meeting. A meeting for an unofficial club on campus because it is illegal to street race. A club consists of delinquents that are obsessed with cars and steal your boyfriend away from you. 

This is the fifth time this week that your boyfriend stood you up or coincidentally forgot your dates. You can’t remember the last time he physically stood in front of you and not through a phone screen. However, it is not completely the stupid club’s fault that your boyfriend has neglected you. 

He truly is the worst boyfriend ever. He blames everything on his bad memory and does not prioritize you in his life. He loves one thing --- his car. You could be lying in a hospital bed, and he wouldn’t care to check up on you. 

So why did you stay with him? Because you’re scared of being alone? Possibly, but it is a can of worms that you did not want to open just yet. Sex is definitely not the reason you stay with him. He hasn’t touched you sexually since the first and now, last time you two slept together. 

You try your best, to only be waved off with a yawn. He doesn’t compliment you. He doesn’t look at you lovingly. He doesn’t even kiss you for longer than two seconds. You are a toppling tower, ready to crumble at any given moment.

The anger in your body fuels you as you pull the door open to reveal several men in leather jackets chatting away with each other. One by one, they all begin to lay their eyes on who abruptly interrupted their joyous conversations. Your eyes scan the room full of intimidating men, whose auras cause a shiver to run down your spine.

Your boyfriend is nowhere in sight, given that there are plenty enough guys who have the ability to cover him. You walk into the open space and the entire mood of the room shifts. 

Heavy cologne and a deafening silence fill the air. One particular male, who has been eyeing you the entire time, gets up and walks towards you. 

“Are you lost, baby?” Scoffs and chuckles sparsely cover the corners of the room. The unknown male has a jarring cut on his eyebrow, matching a small bruise on his upper cheekbone. 

“I’m looking for my boyfriend…” Your weak voice trails off from the sudden attractive male intimidation. The tall man peers around the room, crossing his arms.

“If you are this beautiful woman’s boyfriend, please fucking come out now. It’s very rude to keep your girl waiting for you!” Initially, his low throaty shout startles you. A heavy heat falls on your cheeks when you register his choice of adjectives.

The whole room falls silent once more, before your pitiful boyfriend steps out from between two bulkier men. “Hey babe, what are you doing here?” His eyes nervously bounce around the room, a shaky laughter erupting from his gut. 

“Sorry, Jeno. I didn’t mean to cause such a scene. I didn’t even see her come in.”

Like a trigger, you remember your intentions for storming in uninvited. Jeno gauges your flaming reaction to your boyfriend’s apologetic words. He nods, not out of acceptance of the apology, but out of disbelief.

He pulls your boyfriend by the collar of his white shirt and your eye widens at the condescending tone that causes your boyfriend to cower, “I’m not the one to apologize to.” With a careless toss, your boyfriend ends up shaking in front of you.

“Jeno is not the only one you should be scared of.” You whisper angrily to him as the rest of the room continues on with their previous chatter. 

Your boyfriend rolls his eyes, “listen, Jeno’s been arrested before. You don’t want to get on that man’s bad side.” 

Your eyes wander behind your boyfriend’s hunching shoulders, catching Jeno steal peeks at you too. There is no interest in the other rambling male that stands in front of him. He just wants to check you out a bit more. 

He is the hottest person you’ve ever gotten the attention of. You feel flustered, and a bit flattered at his lingering gaze. His brown hair is slicked back messily, giving you more to admire. Jeno is an absolute cliche from a bad boy fanfiction. He is unreal, and the odd chance that he can’t keep his eyes off of you, is also unreal. 

But with a light nudge from a blue haired fellow, Jeno’s eyes peel away from your’s. They exchange a few words, which then propels Jeno to hurriedly put on his slightly tattered leather jacket.

You lick your lips to the sight of his body lines as he stands up to follow his friend, but not without another look back at you. Noticing your stare still on him, he bids you a tiny wave goodbye with a smirk to die for. And like that, he’s gone. 

“Are you listening to me?” Your boyfriend’s voice finally reaches your reality. Your focus shifts to the obviously irritated expression on his face. 

“I guess, I’m not. Don’t fucking stand me up again or I will key your car.” You aren’t actually those kinds of girls, but your boyfriend didn’t take a threat seriously unless it involves his highly treasured car. 

And like Jeno, you also make your exit out of the steamy room. The chilly night brush against your unknowingly hot cheeks. Then, you take yourself to the only unhealthy coping mechanism you can think of: a place of free alcohol and no boyfriend.

It takes you a few months to completely stop caring about your dying relationship. You figure how easy it is for your boyfriend to do it, so you make the same decision.

He spends his nights with his friends he made from his club, and has totally become a self proclaimed car enthusiast. You lose yourself in copious amounts of cheap alcohol at your local parties and it’s almost like you stop sulking over a man who kisses his car goodnight.

While being alone did not bother you as much as you had been dreading, the sexual frustration is a completely different issue. You are absolutely drooling whenever your eyes find Jeno in the crowds of sweaty bodies.

If there is one good thing that came out of your boyfriend’s membership in that club, it had to be Lee Jeno and a few other notable people who attended the same parties as you.

He became a very close acquaintance, and you had learned some very important names associated with the Ridin’ Club. Na Jaemin, Lee Haechan, and Huang Renjun. But the three could not compare to the kindhearted Jeno that makes butterflies stir in your lower abdomen. 

Over the months, you also had learned rather quickly that your sexually clouded mind had tricked you previously into thinking that Jeno’s stares were full of lust for you. His girlfriend makes it clear that it isn’t the case.

Although you have caught the couple making out several times when trying to use the bathroom, your feverish, impure attraction toward Jeno never calmed down.

“You’re looking very tempting tonight, baby.” Jeno’s beaming eye smile greets you, even after completely undressing you with his gaze. His arms are wide open to embrace your warm body. 

The parties are always too hot to wear a fully clothed outfit. You often settle for a cute tank top and a short skirt to prevent your legs from collecting extra moisture. Jeno, without a fail, shows up in black jeans that clad his lower half, tucked with a simple white shirt. His tattoos and toned arms being on full display for you to admire. 

“Better make sure your actual baby doesn’t hear that.” The loud beats of the music make Jeno’s chuckle almost inaudible, but his expression remains cheerful, as per usual. “Did you get into another fight?” 

The fresh wound cut through his smooth complexion, which will eventually join the rest of his collection of fading scars. He mindlessly grazes over the new bandaging and dramatically winces. Clearly concerned, you grab his hand away from the injury. “Don’t touch it, stupid.”

His smile curves into a sly smirk, as he intertwines your fingers and kisses the back of your hand. “It doesn’t hurt at all.” His chest heaves into a fit of giggles, “just wanted to see you care for me.” 

Groaning, you shake his massive hand off of your’s. “Very funny. I should start charging you for my attention.” 

“Name your price, I got all the money in the world for you.” He winks, while lightly pinching your cheek. You are lying to yourself if you thought you could ever stay away from him. Jeno stirs up a part of you that craves the cheesy nicknames, flirty comments and the undivided attention. 

He motions you to follow him into the mess of people. Almost as if he’s a god, the crowd parts for you two to walk through without unnecessary extra bodies. The fear that settles in many individuals’ chest is understandable.

Like your first impression, Jeno is a complete walking fanfiction trope. He negotiates better with his fists, usually with good reason. The guns of the Ridin’ Club, though, his friends are very much to be feared as well. They will not hesitate to run someone over, if given the heated situation to do so. And most definitely, you can count them to be backing up their fighter, Jeno. 

You had not been mindful before of the chatter that regarded the secret Ridin’ Club. They are notorious for fast paced very illegal races in the middle of nowhere destinations and tempers that aren’t meant to be provoked. Besides their intimidating aura, it melts away after getting to know them.

Lee Haechan, the most annoying brat, but has the strongest, the most loyal bond to his boys. He’s also notably funny, often making you laugh with an exchange of banter.

Huang Renjun, the whiniest and initially quiet boy, but grows to be one of the loudest and will chew you out if anyone dares try engaging in verbal combat. 

Na Jaemin, the flirty playboy who always has a swarm of girls, but the gentlest man with a soft spot for cute things. 

And finally, Lee Jeno, the owner of your nights. He is the friendliest of them all, despite him being the toughest one. While his stare can kill, melting away his layers reveal the warmest heart. Not that Jeno is the only one to show initial interest in you, but he is the most considerate to the people he holds close to him.

He has taken care of you for many drunk nights and watched protectively over your intoxicated figure in the crowds. He makes you feel safe and seen, which are some of the many reasons you are entirely attracted to him.

“(Y/N)!” Jaemin’s scream pierce your ears the moment the blueberry catches your eye. He excitedly nudges the other two boys, who are busy pouring drinks into red cups.

“You’re going to make me spill it, idiot!” Renjun grumbles, but looks up to see your dazzling smile and tremendous excitement. His own smile grows, “so the life of the party finally decided to say hi.”

“Hi, my fanclub. I appreciate the long awaited greeting.” Your over the top, sarcasm causes all of them to chime loudly. Haechan hands you a cup and wraps his arm around your shoulders. 

Jeno joins you at your side and the five of you clink your drinks to the ceiling. A fit of yells over the music and a competition of who can finish first. As per usual, you set your cup down after draining the entirety. The others are still chugging the burning liquid down their throats. 

Haechan coughs after dropping his cup onto the counter. His face is twisted with the most disgusted contour, “I don’t know how you do it, (Y/N).”

“I already drank more than you guys, so it just tastes like water now.” You scream over the loud music. Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun toss their empty cups into the sink. 

At this rate, you are completely blindsided by the effects of the alcohol as your legs give out to gravity. Jeno catches you quickly, holding your elbows and your head is placed on his shoulder. Jaemin chuckles lovingly, before helping Jeno balance you against the island. Your head feels heavy on your shoulders, as the room spins in front of you. 

“You good?” Haechan pats your head gently, whispering close to you.

“I---” You try catching your breath after being winded. “--It’s hitting me now.”

Jeno wraps his arm around your lower waist to draw you close to him, “want to go sit down?” He mumbles into your hair. You nod, Jeno and Renjun supporting your limp body to walk over to the couch.

The dark living room is lit up only by colorful led lights, but it is not enough to make out much of anything. Everyone is in their own world, dancing and socializing within their own selves. The two men set you down on the cushion, but your impulse catches onto Jeno’s wrist before he leaves. Renjun is already lost in the crowd.

“Can I sit on your lap?” You pout cutely, all the shame in your body has been displaced with courage. Jeno’s eyes soften at your sudden request, and kisses the top of your forehead.

“The throne is all yours.” He says as he sits at your side and pulls you on top of his thick thighs. His arm is loosely dangling around your waist, resting on top of your thighs. 

The intimate position causes your mind to wander into dark thoughts. His strong, sturdy legs feel delicious against your clothed core. While you’ve been in this position once before, you could never forget how protected, yet very horny it makes you feel. 

“What’s on your mind, (y/n)?” Jeno’s deep voice brushes against your bare shoulder and you feel his chest press against your back. “You’ve been pretty silent tonight.”

You turn slightly to face him, “if I told you, I’m scared it would ruin things between us.”

“There’s nothing in the world that can hold me back from you.” He is always so quick to spill such alluring words. His soft lips graze lightly on your skin as his sparkling eyes look up at your expression.

All it takes is one more tiny kiss on your arm to get you grabbing his face, drawing him into a steamy, long awaited kiss. Surprisingly, he kisses you back, open mouth and tongue lapping with your’s. His hands reposition your legs to where you straddle him. Your faces dive deeper into each other’s as the kiss continues to intensify.

Jeno’s lips still have a hint of alcohol, but he mostly tastes like mint gum. And they are comparable to a cloud, the softest lips you have ever made out with. It is like kissing pure heaven, completely different from your boyfriend’s two second pecks. Jeno devours you in a needy way, like he’s been waiting to explore the wonders of your lips. 

However, you pull away when you feel the vibration of his phone against your inner thigh, almost like a wake up call. As if all the liquid courage disappeared, you blink back in shock at Jeno’s plump wet lips. The thought of his girlfriend crosses your mind, and maybe slight guilt for your own boyfriend fills your system.

You quickly start getting up from his hot body, “fuck, I’m so sorry..” But his hands pull you back onto him, your legs finding their way open above his thighs again. 

“Don’t be, I’ve always wondered what your lips would taste like.” A smirk, then a hearty chuckle relaxes your contracting nerves at the potential of a ruined friendship. 

“But, your girlfriend..” Your tiny voice trails off and Jeno picks up your chin. His fingers rubbing along your jawline.

His eyes do another lap around your features. He admires your averting shy eyes, your beautiful lips, and how they all come together to make a stunning you. 

There is no doubt in Jeno’s mind that he is very attracted to you. He knew it the moment you barged into the club meeting. You are his type of woman, a good mixture of confident and timidness. You like to have some fun, and aren't afraid to be bold. Not to mention, that you are incredibly hot and every time you flirt back just makes him melt inside.

“She won’t care. She hooks up with people all the time.” It puzzles you, all this time you had been holding yourself back from Jeno because he has a girlfriend. All to find out that the relationship isn’t as serious as you thought it to be.

“I know, it doesn’t make sense. But we aren’t two people to be tied down, but at the same time, we like each other enough to want to stay together.”

Your confused expression causes Jeno to laugh and ask, “what’s the dilemma with your boyfriend?”

Rolling your eyes at the mention of your boyfriend, you sigh, “it’s like we’re still together, but we aren’t at the same time. We’ve abandoned the relationship unknowingly.”

Jeno runs a warm hand up and down your thigh, while he listens intently to you. He nods, grabbing your waist to pull you over his groin. “I’m sorry to hear that.” 

“No, he’s a shitty person and an even shittier boyfriend. We literally haven’t fucked for the past year. I’m practically a virgin again.” His hand automatically gives your thigh a light squeeze.

Jeno’s eyes light up as you quickly cover your mouth out of embarrassment. A devilish smirk raises his cheekbone, and lust clouds his mind. Gauging his reaction, your cheeks turn hot.

“We’ll have to change that, don’t we? My baby must be all kinds of frustrated. Tell me, do you like when I touch you then?” Jeno drops in tempo, usually when he wants to be more intimidating with a deeper voice. 

You clear your throat intending to speak, but you can only nod your head in response. “C’mon, (Y/N). Use your words, like a big girl.” Even with the loud music and continuous chatter, you can hear Jeno‘s taunting whisper. 

His words tickle your collarbone as he runs his lips against your neck. Your heart is pumping rapidly at the turn of events, as if the possibility of having something beyond a kiss from Jeno is more than possible at this rate. 

Jeno enjoys your small whimpers as he marks your neck with purple love bites. Right in the center of the crowded room, Lee Jeno is just casually giving you hickeys.

“Yes, I love that you can’t keep your hands off of me.” 

Almost immediately, you can feel his lips curve into a smile on your skin. Pop! Jeno marvels the darkness against your skin in the mood lighting. A small part of him hopes you do end up seeing your boyfriend sometime soon, so he can see who you really belong to.

“How about we try touching like this?” Jeno pushes you down hard against his pelvis, the veins on his hands becoming evident from the grip and the tiny drawings permanently staining his fingers.

You gasp the moment you feel Jeno’s hip begin to move underneath you to the beat of the song. He rolls your hips rhythmically to match his speed. His clothed hard on can be felt through the only barrier you have on --- your panties.

The thin fabric is soon drenched in your juices after the continuous friction up and down his length. You throw your head back to every bump against your clit, the electrifying feeling enact more of your wetness to puddle. 

You can’t believe you were grinding against Jeno in the middle of a full party, as if his friends aren’t a few feet away. It is a good thing that your skirt pools around both of your waists to conceal the dirty deed underneath.

Jeno’s lip escapes under his top row of teeth as he rubs his clothed length against your barely covered pussy. He can feel his jeans dampening from your wetness and his eyes roll to the back of his head from how the feeling of wanting you consumes his body. He really becomes uncontrollable when it comes to you. 

This is the most sexual activity you have had with another person for over a year. Jeno just looks absolutely heavenly intoxicated with lust, and your mouth waters at how big his cock must be. You can feel his length the harder Jeno rolls against you, and it is definitely bigger than your boyfriend’s. 

You are trying so hard to stay quiet and unnoticeable, but the pleasure seeps out every crevice. Jeno is trained on you as your hand reaches up to cover your mouth, the muffled whimpers escaping your lips uncontrollably.

“I’m so close.” You admit, your body jolting every time his jean button grazes against your sensitive bud.

Jeno moves you over his thigh, forgetting his incredibly hard dick straining in his jeans. As long as you are satisfied, he can care less about his own pleasure. A low scream erupts from your throat when he flexes against you. 

His thigh is much more stable, with more control for consistency. You quickly notice the dark, wet spot on his jeans and you blush even harder. Your underwear clings onto you from the excessive moisture, but Jeno continues to help you finish.

The strands of hair cover your face, but Jeno needs to see your fucked out expression. He is taken aback when you start riding his thigh faster, grinding harder without the aid of his hands.

His mouth hangs slightly open in awe at your neediness, he truly did not know the extent of your sexual frustrations. Oh, but how he is incredibly turned on by you getting off on him. 

“I want you to cum for me, you deserve it.” Jeno brings you in for another passionate kiss. The mixture of his tongue sucking harshly on yours, and the friction on your clit are more than enough to reach your climax. 

Your legs clenched tightly around Jeno’s thigh. The small knot in your stomach that built, drops like the beat playing in the background. The feeling of white is familiar, but it is more intense than when you would touch yourself. You are finally receiving the pleasure from someone else’s touch, someone who wants you to unravel for him.

Jeno pulls away from your lips, kissing down your neck and collarbones as your chest heaves for air. His palm soothes your shaking legs as your climax subsides. You fall into his arms, and he laughs. The reality that you two just did that publicly registers in both of your minds.

Digging your shy face further into Jeno’s shoulder, he whispers lovingly, “let me drive you home.” 

“Are you still drunk?” The muffled question tickles Jeno’s neck.

“I think you beautifully cumming on my thigh sobered me up.” He jokes and you quickly cover his mouth. Your heart practically stops and you hope no one else heard him.

It is silly that you are now self conscious, as if the whole room didn’t just watch you and Jeno grind on the couch. But, the feeling of embarrassment and regret lingers in your stomach. You mentally thank the dark room for concealing both of your identities.

“I’m sorry for your jeans.” A pout begs for forgiveness as you stare at Jeno’s beaming smile. He takes your hand off of his mouth, not forgetting to give your fingertips a lingering kiss.

“I’m sorry for your boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he’s missing.” Jeno parts your hair from your neck, admiring the marks he left on you. A small sense of pride builds inside of him, accompanied by a tiny bundle of possessiveness.

“Let me say goodbye to the boys and I’ll take you home.” 

Nodding, Jeno carefully lifts you off of him and onto the cushion. He leans over to kiss your cheek. As he gets up, you see the darker shades on his jeans from your doing. However, Jeno is completely unbothered and continues to find his friends.

Now that you are alone, you feel a bit nervous that someone would come up to you and talk about what they saw. Checking your phone, your screen blinds you with absolutely no notifications from your boyfriend. Going on social media is worse, as you scroll to see that your boyfriend posted a photo.

It is a photo of his hot, red polished car. He obnoxiously posed squatting next to the front wheel, his lips puckered up and kissing the rims. With a caption that makes every regret in your body disappear, “with my one and only.” 

The phone is tossed somewhere else, wishing to delete the image from your memory. Your eyes wander around the room, when they spot a suspicious man sneakily dropping a small pill in an unattended drink. He, then, looks up and catches your stare. Caught red handed. 

But the male smugly smirks, “you’re going to pretend you didn’t see that, like how half of this room pretended to not see you grinding on Jeno.” 

“You’re complete scum, I can’t believe you just roofied someone’s drink.” You yell in utter disbelief at the unwavering man. His disgusting smirk changes into a menacing smile.

He approaches you, his height allowing him to tower above. You gulp, scared at how he can easily overpower you at any second.

“And what are you going to do about it? What? Jeno didn’t loosen you up enough?” His revolting hot breath beating down your nose, invading every corner of your personal space. 

Before you can find any insult to speak back, his figure goes flying sideways and out of your face. It’d be a lie to not admit your heart skipping a beat at the sight of Jeno’s clenched fists and locked jaw. His sharp gaze watches as the stranger gets up from the ground, inflammation already growing on his left cheek.

“Dude, what the fuck!” He shouts angrily, holding his cheekbone as he winces at the pain. Immediately, the conversations are replaced with gasps, and small whispers at the sight. People gather around the living room to see the commotion. Even you are unsure how to react to the sudden fight.

The other man lunges at Jeno with full force, but Jeno stops him by grabbing the man’s collar, “this,” Jeno punches his lip, busting it open, “is for dropping a roofie in someone’s drink.”

The stranger groans at the impact, but still gets up with a fist straight for Jeno’s gut. Watching Jeno take a blow is much more difficult than you had been expecting.

He crouches over from the punch, but quickly regains his composure to put the man in a headlock. A few more gasps erupt and wonder if you should stop him before he does something unnecessarily stupid. 

“This,” the man squirms to try to get out of Jeno’s iron grip, “is for disrespecting my babygirl.” And with a shift snap, the male falls limp and unconscious.

A surprised intake of air and Jeno peers up at your scared expression. He calmly walks over to you, ignoring the swarm of people that had gathered around the scene. He can only see one thing — you. Jeno’s wandering eyes try to read your expression, but all he sees is a terrified girl.

“I’m sorry you had to see that, are you okay, (Y/N)?” 

Blinking blankly for a few moments, you are mortified at the laying body, “what did you do to him?” 

Jeno looks back at the stranger casually, “I put him to sleep for a bit. He’ll wake up in about 20 minutes.”

A rush of reassurance washes over you knowing that he is alive and Jeno didn’t just kill someone in front of you. You exhale all the anxiousness and nerves, 

“thank you for stepping in.”

“I don’t fight without a good reason. You are more than a perfect reason to fight for.” He pinches your cheek cutely, and his tough exterior fades away yet again. 

His famous eye smile that warms your insides is back as if the scary, intimidating expression didn’t exist a few seconds ago. Jeno’s good sides only appear with you. Nevertheless, you are happy to know how special you are to see them. 

“Violence is never the answer.” He nods, only taking it for a grain of salt. “Are you okay? It looked like stringbean knocked some wind out of your gut.”

The teddy bear thrusts himself forward into a fit of laughter, his head resting on your lap. His melody lights every dark corner inside of you. “He did get a good punch in there, didn’t he?”

His rumbling laughter stops, and he peers up at you. “I can’t believe you were still worried about a complete asshole.” 

Scoffing, you break the shared gaze. “I’m a compassionate human being.” Jeno stands up, extending his hand for you to take.

“I know, you’re the best kind of person.” He genuinely means it with the way his tone remains quite stern, eye contact unwavering. He is revealing more of his intimate parts, and in return, you wish for him to see your’s. 

Silence drowns out all the commotion between you two. Jeno grows shy at the way the galaxies reflect in your stare. “I--” Never once, did you think you would witness Lee Jeno stammer over his words. “I-I, let’s-- I want to take you for a drive.” 

To Jeno, a drive to him is equivalent to your hand in marriage. Even his own girlfriend has never been on a drive with him. It is a big part of his personality, given that he is a crucial member of the Ridin’ Club. However, out of all of them, he is the last one to flaunt his hobby. It is special, almost sacred to his entire being. 

“Me?” It is the dumbest question to ask, but you really want to clarify his intentions. Before this night, you two were barely considered friends. You two never saw each other outside of the late night parties.

But now, Lee Jeno wants to take you on a drive. It makes you wonder if the desire of companionship is mutual, that he too pines to further your relationship.

“I’m not looking at anyone else,” Jeno still waiting for your hand and holding an intense eye contact. His heart lays exposed for you, just right on his sleeve. An innocence paints his usual intimidating aura, “let me show my special girl, what is special to me.” 

He must possess some magic because he knows every way to make you swoon. And like that, your palm meets his and he locks his fingers between yours. 

The moment you enter Jeno’s striking, eye catching car, you automatically relax into the leather seats. His pristine car matches his personality --- simple, but captivating. Your boyfriend’s car is the exact opposite, which is why you never enjoy sitting in it.

Jeno has pieces of himself that scatter his car, like an adorable small plushie that watches out the back window. A beaded lanyard dangles from his rear view mirror. It even matches his scent of a deep ocean breeze.

Unlike your boyfriend’s obnoxious details, Jeno did not have a light up stereo that flashed annoyingly to every beat drop in a song. Instead, a sweet lilac color illuminates at your feet, along with his. 

“You like what you see?” Jeno catches you astonish at the tiny aspects of the interior. 

“Of course, it’s yours. It’s exactly like how I would imagine it to be.” Jeno is proud, hearing you praise his car. Even he can admit, it is a bit weird to be so connected to an inanimate object.

Nevertheless, his car, racing, driving became a huge part of his life. And unlike his friends, he feels rather shy and slightly embarrassed for being such a geek. 

But hearing you actually appreciating the small details of his car when you probably hate every aspect of racing due to your boyfriend’s doing, it makes him feel very happy.

Maybe happy is an understatement, more like overjoy at how you freely can recognize the things that make him content. You respect him, and are mindful that as mundane as a car is, you know that it is something important to him.

Silence becomes the majority of the ride out of the quiet, suburban neighborhood. While Jeno’s eyes remain focused on the road ahead, you are concentrated on him.

He drives with one hand on the wheel as he rests his elbow on the middle console. His eyebrow creases here and there. It is the most normal, mundane activity anyone can do --- drive. That is all he is doing, yet the effect it suddenly has on you can not go unnoticed. 

Abruptly, with the rev of the engine and a press on the gas, the car practically flies on the empty freeway. It catches you off guard, causing you to hold onto the grab handle. Jeno peeks over at your shocked figure, and smiles to himself.

“Relax, (Y/N).” He calls your name, reaching over to rub your thigh as a way to calm your anxiousness. Automatically, your hand grips onto his for support and the other one drops from the handle. 

Exhaling, your eyes are trained ahead. The car is moving so fast that you can’t even make out anything around you. Everything becomes nothing, but colorful streaks against a dark background. The gravity against your chest feels crushing.

“How-- How fast are you going?” 

Jeno glances at the speedometer and intertwines your fingers into his own. “I don’t think I should tell you that, you might actually have a heart attack.” 

The window rolls down and you are hit with rumbling wind, “I know you’re scared right now, so stick your head out the window and take a deep breath.”

You look at him in pure fear, “what?! I can’t even move, let alone stick my head out the window!”

Jeno shakes his head, “trust me. Please, trust me.” He needs you to experience the same thrill he does. His own adrenaline is through the roof, out the entire atmosphere of the vehicle. The amount of joy he is experiencing became tenfold now that you are sitting beside him. 

You trust him and very meticulously, go against the wind. Your hair crazily dances along with the rush and your eyes water from being dried out. Adjusting to the pressure, you also stick your hand out the window. It whips backward, but you feel the wind slip between your fingers.

The rise in heartbeat and excitement pump through your veins. The beauty in the white streaks that create a runway, it is nothing but you and the open space. There is no other way to explore it, except at a high pace. You understand why Jeno loved it so much. 

Jeno bounces between the road and half of your figure out his window. Your eyes are closed initially, before you barely squint open. Tears fly by with strands of your hair, but you start to move your hand to physically feel the thrill pass between your fingers.

Then he sees it in the side mirror: the sweet curve in your lips he loves the most and the wideness of life in your eyes. It only makes him press the gas harder.

“That was incredible! You should take me riding with you more.” You marvel at him as he starts the route to your place. It is complete playfulness that hints in your tone because you are aware of how sacred these are to him. Nevertheless, a part of you still hopes he agrees to do so.

Jeno nods, “only because I like you,” He pauses, gauging your reaction with his side eye gaze, “a lot.”

Your heart sinks to an unsettling place in your stomach. Jeno could not possibly be serious, however, his tone no longer matches the playfulness of your own. It almost seems like he is telling the truth. But you didn’t want to believe that. 

Your eyes make a full circle before settling at the disappearing sidewalks, “stay in your lane, Jeno.” It is to keep the mood still light, you and Jeno aren’t ones to be serious. 

His hand has been on your thigh for the whole night, whether it be out of habit or comfort. His touch is always welcoming and warm, but suddenly, you feel the small squeeze on your flesh. Turning your attention on his face, you can see how a smirk has grown. 

“But yours seems much more fun.” Immediately, your stomach leaps with somersaults. Your throat gets dry and tight, not anticipating that response. 

“Beside, you can’t act like we both haven’t swerved. It was barely moments ago that you were cum---”

“---No need to further explain.” 

“And I’d proudly do it again.” His voice drops several decibels and his hand slowly snakes it’s way up your thigh. All the while, his eyes still on the road ahead.

You gulp as every heartbeat constricts your throat. Lifting the ends of your skirt higher to expose more, you secretly want Jeno to cause your legs to shake again. “D-Do what again?”

Jeno perks up to the sweetness of curiosity in your tone. He pulls up to a red stoplight, being able to finally look over to your innocent face and needy hands gripping the cute, thin fabric. He stares deeply into your eyes, “make my baby cum.” 

Similarly to the stoplight, you give Jeno the green light to pull your panties to the side. You spread your legs wide as his finger massages your pussy lips. He gets dangerously close to your erect clit, barely skimming over it. 

A needy, yet delicate moan escapes your lips and Jeno’s jaw tightens. He’s more upset that he’s missing the view of your legs spread, open mouth in ecstasy, half lid eyes all in the passenger seat of his car. He hopes for another red light, just so he can peek over at your delicious figure.

“Jeno, please touch me.” Your voice is airy and desperate. He hummed in response, completely withdrawing his hand from your core. However, you catch his wrist and bring it to rest on your inner thigh. “Please.” 

The distinct beg in your tone drives him crazy. As he dips his finger into your sudden wetness, a shiver runs up your spine. Right when he applies minimal pressure on your bundle of nerves, you jolt and close your thighs around his hand.

One touch already feels too good to be true, that finally someone, Lee fucking Jeno, is actually touching your nakedness. Peering down, Jeno’s arm is flexing in between your legs. His veins popping ever so slightly and his tattoos paint his smooth skin. 

“Open your legs, babe.” His low devilish chuckle rumbles in your lower abdomen. “Let me give you the lovin’ you’ve been deprived of.” 

You shudder at his cadence and slowly pry open your legs. Jeno stops at a red light and gets to see your reaction as he rubs you in a fast rhythmic pace. A soft cry yelps from your throat and you have to grip the handle to keep yourself from spazzing out any further. 

Almost like a trance, he doesn’t notice that the light turns green. He’s locked into the sight of your contorting body. Your hips have a mind of its own, yet again, as Jeno feels you rolling deeper into his touch.

“Poor baby, you’re so touch starved that you can’t control yourself.” 

“It feels better when you do it.” You whine, your lip being bruised from your biting. But your eyes notice the green illumination and you blink over at Jeno.

He is practically drooling at the sight of you, his eyes are trained at your needy hips and dripping wet core that soaks his fingers. You stop every urge to steal more kisses from him.

Jeno briefly recovers from the trance and steps on the gas. He takes this opportunity to ease a finger into the core, causing you to exclaim and squeeze around his digit. “Oh fuck, you’re so tight.” 

“More, Jeno.” The way his name rolls off of your tongue makes his heart flutter and his dick to raise in his jeans. Without much hesitation, he slowly slips in another finger and you moan at the stretch. Pumping and curling, he ensures that you are enjoying every action.

His fingers curl against your plushy flesh and your legs spread wider for him to go deeper. You’re a moaning mess when he curls up to your sweet spot, rubbing his fingertips quickly. The familiar queasy feeling builds in your lower regions, and Jeno becomes merciless with his fingers.

He guides them in and out of you, feeling your tightness release and invite him back in. The sloppy wet noises fill the car and drown out the engine. Your half lidded eyes bounce at Jeno’s unbothered figure and the entire scene seems absolutely unbelievable to you.

One hand on the wheel. The other knuckles deep in your pussy. Eyes focus on the road ahead. A comfortable man spread. His hair is messy from the long night.

It is all too unbelievable, that Jeno’s already giving you a second climax of the night when you could barely get one in a year before. And he loves touching you as much as he loves driving. 

However, the guilty raises as fast as the ball of tension in your gut. You two pull up in front of your apartment building, while Jeno’s tugging his fingers against your flesh aggressively. In a split second, you hold onto his wrist to stop him. 

He shifts into park when the car settles into a spot and peers over to you. A curious expression daunts onto him, rather concern that he might have been too much. “I’m starting to feel guilty.” 

Jeno nods, and retrieves his fingers out of your dripping core. The feeling of emptiness causes all the built up pressure to dissipate.

“I understand,” he begins, but pauses at the sight of your sticky juices glistening on his fingers. Your eyes widen as he licks them clean, a soft moan escaping from the back of his throat. 

The small action spikes your heart rate and you rub your legs together. With a pop! Jeno hums delightfully, “baby, you taste so good. I’m a little sad I won’t be tasting more, especially directly from the source.” His lustful eyes glance down at your thighs and back to your profile. 

“I’ll walk you up to your apartment.” He says way too casually, unbuckling his seat belt. A mixture of emotions are running through your head. There is guilt, but lust is too powerful to ignore, especially when it’s Lee Jeno. The damage is already done, right? It’s not like it wasn’t moments ago that you humped him in the middle of a party. 

“Wait,” your hands find themselves gripping onto his leather jacket tightly. Jeno gently reaches over to release your strong grip and replaces the leather with his hand. 

“Yes, babygirl?” Jeno’s round, friendly eyes meet yours. The lust clouded darkness is no longer there. His hand feels hot and somewhat rough. 

“I’m going to break up with my boyfriend, so promise me, you’re not going to dip out of my life afterwards… I don’t need you to be anything more than a friend. I just can’t lose you too.”

He turns around in his seat to face you comfortably. “I don’t think you’ve noticed, but I can’t stay away from you, let alone have the ability to leave you.” He reassures you with a soothing and calm tone. His thumb draws circles around your knuckles. “I’m always going to be your friend, whether or not I know how you taste.” 

“Do you still want to try it … you know, from the source?” You shyly ask, an innocence embodying your gaze and voice cadence.

Jeno raises an eyebrow, a smirk on his lips. “I’d love to, only if you let me.” 

Instantly, you shift to get on your lower back. Jeno watches as you excitedly position yourself open for him and actually finds your eagerness quite adorable. Your left leg bends behind the driver’s seat and your right rests on the dashboard. 

He hooks his arms underneath your thighs to pull you forward towards him and your whole body slides against the leather. With a slow lift, your skirt reveals your drenched panties. Rolling them off and tossing them to the back seat, he lays eyes on your still dripping pussy. Jeno takes a second to admire your flower, this being his first time he’s seen such a private part of you.

“You’re beautiful, you know that right?” He chuckles deeply, before his tongue licks a long strip up to your clit. You exclaim out of the tingling pleasure that seized your insides.

He flattens his tongue against your bundle of nerves, flicking and circling. His finger enters your pussy again, curling up to rub at the same pace he is licking. The pure sight of Jeno’s head in between your legs is enough for butterflies to explode. 

His sole motive is to make you feel good. There is nothing else in the world that he wants at this moment beside pleasure to overtake your body. Jeno eats you out like he hasn’t had a meal in months. His mouth wraps around your clit. The mixture of his flicks and sucks cause electric bolts to run down your legs. 

You get more wet as Jeno pumps his finger in and out of your hole. Your juices are practically dripping onto the interior of the car, but Jeno doesn’t care.

He fucking loves it. He loves the taste of you lingering on his tongue. Your breathless moans. Your waterfall dripping on uncontrollably. The view of you unwinding because of him. Nothing can be more perfect. 

Running your hands through his messy locks, you press him closer into you. A devilish smile draws on his face as he flicks his tongue side to side. “Oh, fuck! I’m.. so c--close.” 

Your back arches upward into Jeno’s mouth, feeling his muscle lick harder and faster on your throbbing clit. He adds a second finger, and the simultaneous stimulation practically throws you into another dimension. The pleasure overtakes your entire lower half, your legs trembling from pure ecstasy as you approach your orgasm.

“Don’t stop, I’m going to---” Then, Jeno pulls away and shoves his tongue into your warmth. A gasp hits the air as he also continues to rub circles on your sensitive nerves. His tongue fucked your pussy incredibly skillfully and deliciously. With this switch, your legs violently shake and try clamping together.

However, his strength holds you wide and open for display. A low grunt follows suit as his dark eyes zone in on your contoured facial expressions. Then, the white light blind you once again and the ball of tension unravels itself on Jeno’s tongue. Squirming and screaming, your hips buck forward on their own. 

It is close to being too catastrophic, this being the most intense orgasm you’ve had after a whole year. Nevertheless, the satisfaction is right on the tips of your toes and you greedily indulge in the euphoric moment. Jeno feels your walls squeeze around his muscle as he laps every last bit of you up.

He is absolutely addicted to your juices, making sure he catches every drop. Finally pulling away, he wipes the extra drip on the back of his hand. Jeno blinks at your raising chest and limp legs. Chuckling, his warm hand massages feeling back into your body.

“Do you want me to carry you back up?” His hoarse, raspy voice wakes you from your post orgasm daydream. You flutter your lashes at him fondly and happily nod at his offer. 

Getting out of the car, Jeno walks over to the passenger side and your arms rest nicely around his neck. His palms support your butt, but also smoothing your skirt over to cover your decency. A poke against your outer thigh makes you realize that Jeno is strained against his jeans.

“I can take care of you too.” You pout cutely at Jeno, but he shakes his head.

“It’s not about me tonight. It’s about you.” Leaving a soft kiss on your cheek, his eyes turn into moon crescents from his lovable smile. The kind, friendliness makes an appearance again.

Or so you think! In a sheer second, Jeno’s deep voice rumbles your stomach and his hooded eyes pierce your soul, “next time though, I’m fucking you real good, babe.” 

You hum in response. Saliva collects in your mouth, already looking forward to more of Jeno. But a chilly draft brushes up your exposed area as Jeno carries you up the flight of stairs.

“Wait, Jeno… I don’t have my underwear on.” The ‘Level 3’ sign is in view as Jeno turns to walk. 

He only laughs and shrugs nonchalantly, “it’s better that way anyways.” Without another word, he continues upward to your floor and you playfully punch his solid chest. In all honesty, that’s not going to be the only time you leave behind your panties in his beloved car. 

Your hatred for the notorious Ridin’ Club subside after such a wild night. If anything, you owe it all to your shitty ex-boyfriend for joining such a ridiculous club. Without him and the club’s existence, who knows if Lee Jeno would’ve still swerve into your lane. 

[phoenixtakaramono]

Character Design Thoughts for Shen Yuan & Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky in ‘The Untold Tale’

(This is a Follow Up to This Post)

Hello, @averydrearydiana! Loved reading through your tags! I’m excited that you’re excited! Since I’m also seeing comments on AO3 speculating about how our transmigrators are going to appear as in The Untold Tale, I might as well give my current thoughts and have this archived on tumblr for future reference.

A fun fact about TUT is that a lot of the imagery in the story is inspired by Chinese PVs and popular C-dramas and literature. Since TUT is conceived as a lovestory to SVSSS, one element that I’d wanted to incorporate is playful attempts at satirical genre deconstruction. With that comes with me playfully poking fun at some clichés or things I’ve noticed in Chinese works.

Shen Yuan’s Celestial Design

Before I talk about his mortal appearance, I have to give a lil context about his celestial design in the story. We already know what he looks like as the celestial fortuneteller in TUT’s cover art that I’ve already posted on tumblr. As everyone knows, I was heavily inspired by this Chinese PV:

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(TUT ch1 - Excerpt)

Among the things I’ve noticed are the fictional characters with white hair. We have a whole subculture of fans liking male character designs with white hair in anime and animation. Taking that a step further, they’ve even shown up in C-dramas, i.e. Teng She from Love and Redemption (technically more blond than platinum white, but shhhhh, just let me have this), Dong Hua Dijun from Eternal Love of Dream aka Three Lives Three Worlds, Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms (rest assured, I’m aware of the source material’s controversy, but let’s not get into that here), etc. One of the tags for TUT is Opposites Attract. Luo Binghe’s color coordination is aligned with black and red mostly. Now, visually speaking, what’s the opposite of that?

The yin yang symbol.

Fun fact, besides black vs white, green (SY) is the complementary color of red (LBG) on the color wheel. Now taking everything I’ve said, to take it even one step further, my thought process at the time was, “why not go the extra mile then and just have SY be albino? Within context of the Heavenly Realm, that character design makes sense.” TUT is me subtly riffing off what I can (for the good ol’ meta humor), but making the content come across as a legitimate story experience. As Protagonist A and Protagonist B, LBG and SY have to look visually striking together. With all that said, let’s talk about....

(In reference to the original tumblr post)

Shen Yuan (Mortal)

I’ll keep some elements of his albinism from his celestial form (light sensitivity and pale skin mostly), but SY’s mortal form is essentially SY pre-transmigration but within context of the xianxia genre.

For his appearance, let’s just keep this Author’s Note^ and TUT’s summary in the back of our brains. This is the fanvid I was originally inspired by for SY’s mortal appearance:

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(TUT Summary - Excerpt)

For what he wears, I’m currently feeling very heavily inspired by this PV:

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His mortal appearance wouldn’t be considered as “strange” or “otherworldly” compared to the “ethereal fairy-like beauty” SY retains in the Heavenly Realm, but as a side-effect of the 【PROTAGONIST’S HALO】 and his +20 CHARISMA stat, he would still be considered attractive to people even when he takes on a mortal appearance. (Mainly, I like the idea of Bing gē taking large shots of vinegar seeing SY turning heads no matter which appearance SY takes on, and Luo Binghe glaring at these “insects” for even “daring to lay their unworthy eyes on his fated person.” The thought of it just makes me laugh.)

What I mean by how SY’s mortal form being very much based on how SY appeared pre-transmigration but in the xianxia genre context, I mean he’ll have his dark hair (but longer), a “scholarly air” (as a nod to his novelist background), dark eyes, and even his glasses technically (the divine monocle mentioned in ch3, which is also a subtle nod to Sha Po Lang and a riff on men wearing monocles in other Chinese works andit’salsoforeshadowingbutshhhh).

(TUT ch3 - Excerpt)

Shen Yuan originally was an author in his forties pre-transmigration, so I like the idea him having a mature air about him in the Cultivation World as well. So for both our Protagonist B’s celestial and mortal appearances, the idea is that you can look at him and immediately recognize him as a protagonist of the danmei setting. My only two prerequisites are that his appearance screams “hello, I’m Protagonist B” and that he appears in “scholarly” attire.

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky (Mortal)

Keeping in mind the original tumblr post where I wrote my thoughts on who I’m transmigrating him as, currently I’m thinking it’s a combination of these two PVs for his mortal form:

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As a nod to him being a successful novelist, I wanted him to also appear scholarly. A scholarly crown prince, if you will. For his attire, imagine all the C-drama clothing you’ve seen actors wear in period dramas, and you already have a good idea already of the direction I’m heading down.

As the prince of the cannon fodder emperor, I very much like the idea of Airplane perhaps having a baby face and brown hair (as a small nod to fanon!SQH from SVSSS) but with a great body (a huge source of inspiration are clothing worn by Prince Yu and Prince Jing of the three princes from the C-drama Nirvana in Fire). Since Airplane will also be able to select his Character Creation stats like Shen Yuan had, one thing I’m fairly certain is that he will max out his CONSTITUTION—because “game logic” and not wanting to die. (For those who don’t know, the CON stat in tabletop RPs essentially indicates a person’s overall health, wellbeing, and vigor checks...so him maxing it out is equivalent to him being as invulnerable as a cockroach. A high CON means overall healthiness, which means your character probably is full of energy and vitality, can heal rapidly, and will rarely get sick—if ever. Low CON usually means a higher susceptibility to sickness and disease, wounds that fester and linger, and a general fatigue would haunt you, etc.) Like how SY zeroed in on his CHA, Airplane would have prioritized +20 CON (+5 modifier), especially knowing the fate that’d await him as a prince and the vicious environment that is expected for palace intrigue plots (the harem is a big factor, with concubines and consorts and even the empress sabotaging each other—just to win the favor of one man). Against poison or whatnot which is a cliché in palace intrigue plots, rather than relying on luck, you typically stand a better chance of passing the CON check if you have a high modifier aiding your checks. He’s basically become impervious to illnesses, most poisons (probably being able to spring back quickly), and is considered the healthiest prince in all the mortal imperial line. <- This could be taken both seriously and humorously simultaneously.

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky (Deity/ Celestial)

For Xiàng Tiān Dà Fēijī’s “actual divine body” that is currently asleep and won’t be awakened until Airplane completes his mortal trial to “regain his cultivation powers,” the face should obviously be similar but, as Xiàng Tiān Dà Fēijī, he would appear regal and dignified as a god of this world:

Imagine something along the lines of mortal Airplane as the man on the right, celestial Shen Yuan in the center, and deity/ celestial Airplane as the man on the left. I envision a respectable appearance that would knock the air out of Mobei jūn and make him recognize Airplane despite any visual dissimilarities, and in a way we have the Four Beauties of China: Luo Binghe, Shen Yuan, Mobei jūn, and Xiàng Tiān Dà Fēijī.

I will say I currently have an idea of making Airplane have “golden” eyes in both his celestial and mortal forms. (Spoiler alert: in my notes, I’d written down to give Airplane yellow eyes as an Easter egg to Yanxi Palace, I believe, where there was an episode where someone of the imperial harem schemed against the empress and almost had the newborn baby killed because that and the yellow skin was an inauspicious omen. We later find out through a timely intervention that the true reason was due to jaundice—because of the diet/ pregnancy cravings she ate for a period of time which resulted in her son’s symptoms. With Airplane’s high CON and another trope I’m bringing in which’ll have to do with the Medicine King’s Valley/ Valley of the Medicine King, his yellow eyes are the only side effect that lingered from that traumatic event which would have killed him had they gotten away with their scheme. A lot of palace dramas have to do with the vicious harem plots, so this would potentially be one such example.) The reason being that this is the identifying marker for MBJ to clue in that they’re the same man he will have loved. And I think that has romantic potential.

Misc.

Now addressing the other tags, yes, essentially speaking, Mobei jūn might just very well experience his very own Big Damn Reunion trope that Bing mèi had suffered from SVSSS. Poor MBJ. He’s in a tumultuous ride of his own with him considering Airplane as his own fated person, hahaha. But for the Moshang dynamic, I want him—a demon—to find himself taken with Airplane in his mortal guise—and subsequently his true celestial appearance once he finds out. I very much also want SY to jokingly snark to his fellow transmigrator-and-writing-colleague about him getting in a relationship with his own “creation” (MBJ). And Airplane would jokingly snark back about SY “ruining his ‘first son’ as well” (LBG). If you can read between the lines of that, then kudos. I’m glad to hear you’re looking forward to the palace intrigue.

I’m especially very happy to hear you’re looking forward to the descriptions! I personally love worldbuilding in the stories I consume I’m an interior designer and realtor irl, so I’m glad my love of house details and landscape, etc shows in TUT. For the pseudohistorical vibe, in the Mortal Realm, I will be referencing the Forbidden City of our Chinese history and a couple popular period C-dramas. Take the settings of period C-dramas like Ruyi’s Royal Love in the Palace, Yanxi Palace, and Nirvana in Fire as examples for what will be awaiting us when we finally meet Airplane in his mortal body. In the Heavenly Realm, the descriptions will be heavily referencing shows that contain aesthetics such as those of Ashes of Love, Love and Redemption, and Eternal Dream.

Take this with a grain of salt just in case I change my mind later on, but in the chapter when we meet Airplane for the first time, I probably won’t say which character he is in the first scene. I’ll give plenty of hints in the first scene so that you all can make your guesses before the big reveal, but I’m fairly confident you all or most of you will be able to pinpoint who he is among the cannon fodders. We’ll meet the emperor, who is discussing with his sons about the matter regarding the approaching calamity that is Luo Binghe. Then when we transition into the second scene, we’ll know exactly which “royal prince OC” it is that our beloved Airplane has transmigrated into, hahaha.

(*Keep in mind, for everything written above, some details are subject to change. Nothing is official until it appears in the story, or I’ve actually drawn my ideas out and posted online to both my tumblr and twitter. These are just my current thoughts.)

A goal of mine for TUT is to make the story widely accessible, meaning it doesn’t matter if the reader is new to the SVSSS fandom or aren’t familiar with the Easter egg references or meta jokes or subtext or even the Chinese culture, or even if English is not their first language. Having knowledge beforehand might help someone notice more hidden details in TUT, yes, but it is a humble wish of this writer for her esteemed readers to be able to dive into the story and get the enjoyable feeling like they’re reading a genuine danmei novel. It really makes me smile whenever I hear feedback that I am able to emulate that experience.

Very exciting developments indeed are in store!

[ashdumpsterpile]

Ohmygod YES Susan Pevensie is awesome please talk to me about Susan i want to know everything you have to say

Literally THANK YOU for asking me this bc Susan Pevensie is a character I never get asked about and I have So Many Opinions.

I'm going to start by saying that Susan used to be my least favorite character in the series. This goes for the books and the movies. Some of it was for personal reasons--she reminds me of a couple of annoying ppl I know irl--but it was also bc I watched Prince Caspian which shoehorned her into a relationship with Caspian which I hated.

HOWEVER. I ended up rethinking this position after interacting with Susan fans and realizing that there are so many wonderful things to love about her!

(putting under the cut bc this got long)

Things Ash Loves About Susan Pevensie

Aight I'm not going to do a formal analysis yet on her, but instead rant about some of the unrelated things I adore about Susan Pevensie.

Susan the Archer

Look we all love archery here. I don't have anything more to say.

Okay, I actually do have more to say. I love the fact that Susan is a complete badass with the bow. You get the general impression that she's one of the royals in charge of public relations, traditions, foreign policy, etc. and yet she's the most competent archer in the series. One of the few things I liked about the movies is how they didn't downplay this. They actually let her be a badass and show off her skills.

Also the part where she kicks Trumpkin's ass was awesome.

Susan the Gentle

Susan being the most passive Pevensie was something I definitely underappreciated as a teenager. I think my non-ability to see past "I'm not like other girls" narrative and the combination of Susan being described as the most traditionally feminine woman in the Narnia series is what initially turned me off from her.

HOWEVER, now it's one of my favorite attributes! I love that Susan is a badass and the most beautiful woman in Narnia. She has hair down to her feet, every man and woman in the kingdom want to fuck her, and she's still a fucking badass who will not hesitate to kick your ass.

Susan the Sister

Most of my thoughts of Susan as an older sister mostly stem from my own personal headcanons, but she is an awesome sister to her siblings. She's Peter's voice of reason, Edmund's sass partner, and Lucy's big sister.

Susan the Mom-Friend

She is a literal mother-figure for Corin.

"[...] the most beautiful lady he had ever seen rose from her place and threw her arms round him and kissed him, saying: "Oh Corin, Corin, how could you? And thou and I such close friends ever since thy mother died. [...]"

-The Horse and His Boy, 33-34

Most everything I have to say about this ventures into headcanon territory, but I love the idea of Susan basically adopting Corin after his mom dies. The way she trusts Cor--who she thinks is Corin in this chapter--is really sweet and I wish we could've seen more of that relationship.

Susan the Flawed

Something I notice from the fandom is a lot of people who hate Susan tend to because of her flaws. On the other hand, most Susan stans like to wave away these flaws and blame C.S. Lewis for being misogynistic or Aslan for being a "cruel god" and ignore the fact that she is a deeply flawed person.

Susan gets something of a "reverse redemption arc" in The Chronicles of Narnia. This makes her not only a fascinating foil to Edmund--as both are analytical, logical people--but an interesting character by herself.

She starts out in TWW as very skeptical of Narnia and it's whole deal and also very condescending to Lucy throughout. She ultimately does admit that Lucy was right and does get on board with the whole prophecy at the same time Peter does, and ends the book being crowned "the Gentle Queen."

In The Horse and His Boy, she has a very interesting dynamic with Edmund and in even more interesting relationship with Rabadash. They don't even interact on-page with each other, but it's highly implied that she was interested in him when he was a guest in Narnia. His behavior obviously changed when she visited him in Tashbaan, but you have to wonder what their dynamic was like before for her to travel all the way to his home when relations between the countries were strained at best.

Prince Caspian is where the cracks start showing through. Susan has lived an entire life as an adult in Narnia, gets thrown back to England with her siblings, and is yet again in Narnia as a child. This book is what really emphasizes her one fatal flaw: convenience.

(Put a pin in that thought, I'll get back to it.)

Susan denies once again that Lucy saw something that the rest of them can't seen. She continues this narrative until every other sibling finally acknowledges Lucy in the right and only then does she apologize.

The last mention of Susan is in The Last Battle, where all of her flaws rise up against her in the worst way possible. I have a lot of controversial opinions on this that I'm going to address later, but I just want to say that Susan's reverse-redemption arc is something I actually like about her.

(There is also evidence that Susan does get a full redemption arc, just as Edmund and Eustace did, but C.S. Lewis was pretty much done with The Chronicles of Narnia at the point and instead encouraged fans to write their own version of how that went down.)

Okay, back to convenience being Susan's fatal flaw. So the one thing that comes up time and time again in the series is that Susan is very focused on material comforts. I believe it's implied that she's vain, and it's canonical that her own personal comfort spurs her to make decisions.

"[...] I really believed it was him — he, I mean — yesterday. When he warned us not to go down to the fir wood. And I really believed it was him tonight, when you woke us up. I mean, deep down inside. Or I could have, if I'd let myself. But I just wanted to get out of the woods and — and — oh, I don't know [...]"

Prince Caspian, 81

Prince Caspian has the strongest examples of Susan doing this, but certainly there's evidence elsewhere. There are a lot of fans who are distressed by this, claiming that Aslan and the others are too hard on her and shouldn't judge.

Honestly, I like that she's written with this flaw. Not only is it very relatable--(my own personal comfort and convenience is something I highly prioritize too)--but it humanizes a character who otherwise is ridiculously op and basically the Helen of Troy of the series. It may sound like I'm using this as an excuse to rant, but I really wouldn't have her any other way.

Susan As Portrayed by Anna Popplewell

Movie!Susan is a fucking delight.

She's sarcastic and badass and awesome and I could spend hours heaping praise on Anna's acting and her portrayal of Susan, but I can already tell that this post is going to be long so, I'll just stop here.

(10/10 want to be stabbed by her tho.)

Personal Headcanons

Let's talk about my fanon thoughts. I have many.

Susan is Aro

There's canonical evidence for this! Susan is a character who is heavily pursued by suitors everywhere, and even lets herself be courted by many of them, but chooses not to settle down. Even when she gets back to England and is described as only having interest in parties and material things, boys aren't mentioned.

I like to think that in The Horse in His Boy Susan was interested in Rabadash at first because he was a brilliant conversationalist. Nothing she says about him implies romantic interest, before and after she realizes the truth of his intentions.

Susan and Edmund Were Best Friends

This might be my love for The Horse and His Boy showing itself, but I think Susan and Edmund were thrown into circumstances where they interacted the most with each other.

Edmund is the ruler in charge of politics. Susan is the ruler in charge of Cair Paravel's public image. I imagine they spent time as ambassadors to other countries and planning royal functions.

They're also the most level-headed and logical out of their siblings, so they probably found a lot in common.

Susan Fancast

I literally just said I loved Anna's potrayal of Susan's (and I love what they gave us of older Susan too in LWW!), but I read the books in 2008 and my parents didn't let me see the movies bc I was like...nine years old and they thought it would be too scary.

So I had to headcanon my own interpretations.

Queen Susan the Gentle:

For some reason Merlin wasn't too scary for me to watch and I fell in love with Katie McGrath in like. Two episodes so. (On an unrelated note, I also fancast Bradley James as Peter at the time.)

Anyway, fanon Susan is basically Morgana Pendragon pre-evil arc. Sassy as hell, hot as fuck, and can kick your ass.

Unpopular Opinions

Yeah, feel free to skip this part if having controversial fandom opinions is a deal breaker for you.

The Problem With Susan Isn't Actually A Problem

I'm about to start so much discourse in the Narnia fandom, but C.S. Lewis's choices with her in The Last Battle weren't misogynistic. Bear in mind, I'm not saying that all of his writing choices in the series were A++ or excusing away certain racist/sexiest bits, but it's honestly baffling to me that people are so up in arms over Susan's exclusion in the final book.

So the part that everyone loses their shit over is as follows:

"My sister Susan," answered Peter shortly and gravely, "is no longer a friend of Narnia."

"Yes," said Eustace, "and whenever you've tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says 'What wonderful memories you have! Fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.'"

"Oh Susan!" said Jill, "she's interested in nothing now-a-days except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up."

"Grown-up, indeed," said the Lady Polly. "I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one's life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can."

The Last Battle, 83-84

There's a lot to unpack here and I first want to say that everyone's opinion on this part, no matter how different than mine, is valid. I'm going to be quoting some other ppl's opinions on here and by no means am I bashing them. I just want to address my feelings on the matter and the best way to do that is to cite the thoughts of ppl who have opposing ideas.

Here are some arguments on Tumblr I've heard regarding "The Problem of Susan":

"How about we talk about what might have happened if Narnia hadn't deserted Susan? [...] What if we didn't tell Susan she had to go grow up in her own world and then shame and punish her for doing just that? She was told to walk away and she went. She did not try to stay a child all her life, wishing for something she had been told she couldn't have again."

"Narnia is filled with metaphors (often not very subtle ones) that are supposed to teach us how to be, and the most glaring one for any young girl to absorb is that it's okay to be a girl like Lucy, unthreatening and cheerful and valiant and faithful, but to be a girl like Susan gets you punished - in fact, you aren't just punished, you're destroyed."

"why do we call it ‘the problem’ where’s the problem about a young woman dealing with her trauma and choosing her own path, actively making the choice to keep living and to stay and to carve a life out in England when her siblings couldn’t? what is the problem about susan forgetting to somehow cope with what she’s experienced? why is it ‘the problem of susan’ that she recontextualised her faith?"

And then there's JK Rowling who said this:

There comes a point where Susan, who was the older girl, is lost to Narnia because she becomes interested in lipstick. She's become irreligious basically because she found sex. I have a big problem with that.

It's weird how I'm still finding new ways to hate JKR in the year 2021. Again, there is absolutely zero implication that Susan had sex when she came back to England. ZERO. Did she actually read the books? IDK. If someone shares this opinion pls reply with actual canonical evidence.

Back on topic, I'm a firm believer of death of the author and interpreting art via your own experiences. Which is why I'm also going to share my own interpretation by saying y'all are wrong.

Susan Pevensie was not abandoned by Narnia. She was not barred from Narnia because she is traditionally feminine or because she "owned her sexuality" (another opinion I didn't have time to condense down for this post) or because she recontextualized her faith or even because she deserved to be punished.

I also fail to see how Susan recontexualized her faith, as the entire point of it all is that she has none. Bringing this back to Susan's fatal flaw (personal convenience/material comforts), her prioritizing herself over her own faith is the reason she is "no longer a friend of Narnia." Not...whatever fanon y'all are imposing on her character.

Susan is not being punished for liking lipstick and looking pretty. Susan's not even being punished. Y'all read Neil Gaiman's The Problem of Susan and forgot it wasn't canon.

There are many reasons Susan is not in Aslan's Country (one of them being that she's not actually dead yet), but the main one has to do with this:

"[...] But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”

Voyage of the Dawn Treader, 215-216

Yeah, okay that's why Susan is no longer a friend of Narnia. The implication when the Pevensies are told that they can no longer enter Narnia is that they are to find Aslan in other places. Susan doesn't do this, instead choosing to focus her life on material things. It isn't the lipstick, it's that she only wants the lipstick.

Susan Had Sex In The Books

Oh and not in the context y'all are thinking. (Again, there are no implications that Susan was barred from Narnia for having sex or that she had sex when she came back to England.)

So there's actual canonical evidence that Susan and Rabadash had a sexual relationship. Sort of.

"What think you? We have been in this city fully three weeks. Have you yet settled in your mind whether you will marry this dark-faced lover of yours, this Prince Rabadash, or no?"

-The Horse and His Boy, 35

Edmund calls Rabadash her lover. Not her suitor. I don't know if the word had a different meaning in 1954, but it feels like C.S. Lewis is saying that they're fucking. I'm not really happy with the idea of Susan sleeping with an abuser, but really proud of her for Getting Some as a woman born in a time period where having premarital sex was a big no-no.

This also invalidates the weird opinion going on that Susan was barred from Narnia because she had sex.

Suspian Is The Worst

I haven't really talked about Movie!Susan much, but as long as we're talking unpopular opinions, it's worth noting that I hate Suspian. Some of it is the "Susan is Aro" headcanon screaming inside of me, but it's also the fact that it's written poorly, does nothing interesting for either character and generally comes across as awkward.

I feel like they were trying to make Prince Caspian sexy and relevant to teens. It came across as super heteronormative and unnecessary.

It also gets really really weird bc the next movie then gives Caspian and Edmund mad chemistry and we're all just like........ok.

Final Thoughts

Susan may not be my favorite character in the series, but she's grown on me over the years. I have many issues with fanon interpretations of her--which definately fueled some of my disdain for her initally--and I don't identify as a Susan Apologist.

I do however adore Susan and have many headcanons for her not mentioned here. I love reading fanfic, writing fanfic and meta, and generally having conversations about her and would love to talk more about it.

I welcome criticism (CONSTRUCTIVE) and conversation on all of my opinions and observations. Please drop into my inbox. <3

[pastelpendant]

Pinned Info Post (Edited 6/18/2022)

DNI

If your blog is blank/no bio or pinned/no age in either bio or pinned, I will block.

DO NOT FUCKING CALL ME MADAM/MISS/MISTRESS

Minors will be blocked on sight.

I do not follow blogs that do raceplay, ageplay, misogyny as kink, feeders, detransitioning, etc etc. And if you’re a TERF, transphobic, homophobic or otherwise discriminatory I will straight up block.

I reserve the right to block people the minute I’m uncomfortable for literally any reason, listed or otherwise.

If I reblog something that says “__ DNI” or I tag that same warning as a second reminder, that’s your cue to not interact.

Lighter, more fun stuff below!

General Info

Pen, 26, they/them

Strictly Dominant hypnotist

Panromantic, gray-asexual, polyamorous

Blog operates in EST (UTC−05:00)

Located in United States

Umemployed and making content casually

I don’t post or share pics and you’ll just have to live with that.

Asks are open to all, including Anonymous users, but please don’t abuse that. I may not respond quickly or reach out first.

DMs will stay mutuals only. Talk to me in asks first and I’ll decide if I wanna follow you back.

Pen’s Garden

Writing tag

Audio tag

Asks

Garden content

FAQ

Q: Can I be a thrall? Pretty please?

I don’t just take on anyone that comes into My messages, you know~. I’m pretty open when it comes to play, but becoming a Thrall means a little bit more commitment, which I prefer to discuss before pursuing. I might not call you a thrall when we play until we’re sure about it.

Q: So when did you get into hypnokink? How are you ace and also kinky?

Been into it since I was young because of The Media, was told by My first girlfriend that it’s disgusting so I grew averse to it, found the hypnokink community in a time of emotional vulnerability two years ago and I’ve been doing this nonsense since!

I’m Aegosexual, so I enjoy sexual things when I’m not an active participant. Guiding someone through it in trance is usually fine, as long as nothing sexual is done towards Me.

Q: Why did you choose to be Fae?

The lovely rainy called me Fae first! They’re also why I use the term “thrall” for the cuties in My Garden~. I’ve always enjoyed fairies though, I think they’re so enchanting and lovely, so I’m glad to play with it as a persona while I Dominate~.

Q: Why do you capitalize “Me” and “My” so much?

It’s called reverent capitalization! It basically helps My mindset as a Dominant, I capitalize all references to Myself to imply My position of power. It’s largely optional, but many of My playmates enjoy when I use it, and I quite like it too!

Q: What else are you into?

I love to read, write, play video games, sing, watch anime and YouTube videos and eat yummy food!! I’m also really into fashion, I study Japanese in my spare time, and I like being online and getting to know people!

Q: Will I ever see you at [insert kink convention/meetup]?

Nope! I don’t want to meet anyone IRL ever, but it’s cute to fantasize about even if it won’t happen! 

(will add more if they come up)

Rules For Interacting

Treat Me like a person. Yes, we can talk about kink, but don’t assume talking about it means I want to do it with you 24/7 always.

I don’t Dominate people 40+. You can follow and we can talk casually but we probably won’t end up playing together.

Know what you want. I prioritize people who can be direct and honest with their intentions in messaging Me. Don’t just say “I want to be hypnotized” and give me zero to work with.

I’m not a “lifestyle” Dominant. I don’t mind playing in dynamics when we talk, but I’m not your 24/7 Dom. I’m a person too. My playmates are encouraged to play with others that can fulfill the needs I’m unable to.

These are roles, not relationships. I’m currently playing really loose and casual, so all My playmates are just friends/people I play with online. If feelings come up, we can discuss them privately.

Likes/Dislikes/Hard Limits

Likes

Hypno (obviously)

Praise and worship

Exhibitionism and voyeurism (these go hand in hand...Love displays of submission)

Conversational inductions (My usual/only method)

Teasing

Collars (though I don’t usually play w/ the idea w/ others)

Light pet play

Gentle Domination

Gentle corruption (good thralls make more good thralls)

Mantras

Pendants

Eye flutters/rolling and drooling

Subjects hypnotizing themselves

Ownership themes (not literal unless discussed of course)

Dislikes

Degradation

Animal play

Bimbofication (only certain flavors)

Transformation (I just wanna play with the person I met, not make you something new)

Installing triggers (I find triggers kinda boring, but I’ll do them if discussed w/ a playmate)

An already tranced subject coming to Me for more hypnosis (that takes the fun out of it...)

Hard Limits

CNC/dubcon/noncon

Role reversal (if you try to turn the tables on Me in play I will mentally shut down)

Personality alteration (esp permanent, that shit’s squicky)

Rough play (blood/injuries)

“Gross out” content (urine/scat)

Anything with gender/sexuality/sissification (I’m trans lol don’t do that near Me)

All may be edited/changed as things go on.

[scoobydoominuscoobydoo]

Why do you hate Scooby Doo Mystery Inc so much?

Hate is a pretty big word that I really don’t like to throw around that often because to me it implies zero redeeming qualities and that it never should have existed. I don’t think the Scooby world would be better off if MI never existed because despite it’s flaws there was a pretty huge following for it in the beginning. It did something that wasn’t all that common for CN shows at the time and that was trying to take a more serious and heavy-handed approach to the Scooby gang’s lives. It also brought back the concept of an overarching story line that was pretty well done before it go so convoluted (the last Scooby show to do that was 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo and that was back in the 80′s). It showed that the standard Scooby formula actually worked really well with this sort of set up. 

It also is the best looking show and I really do mean that. The art-style is appealing to the eye and the color pallet was shooting for this whole neon noir that worked really well. The directing and camera work is set up like a teen slasher movie and it meshes nicely with the vibe the show is going for. The designs for the monsters are also pretty memorable from the first season and look great. Like I can remember most of the episodes from the first season simply because of the set pieces and monster designs (the episode where they end up in a house underground is one of my favorites aesthetically).

This was also the first series with Matthew Lillard as Shaggy since the 2002 and 2004 live-action films and he does a great job for sure. The performances from the whole cast are good as a whole (not exactly off brand for them).

There’s the episode “Night Terrors” that got like 11 year old me shipping Shaphne in the first place.

So there are definitely some things I respect from MI and I wouldn’t say that I hate the show. I think strongly dislike suits my feelings more.

Despite the fact that it did a lot for Scooby it also messed a lot of it up (this is coming from someone who watched it several times all the way through). The story got too complicated and there were a lot of unresolved plots and character actions that didn’t make sense.

I think the worst crime it commits - and the one that my animosity is directed at - is that it’s characterization was the worst out of all the shows. It tries to sell the gang as the town outcasts who only have each other but most of the time I can’t buy that they’re close friends because of all the times they just stop talking to each other. It really feels like they hang out with each other on accident and would really be with literally anyone else. Most of the first season just feels like Daph is there because Fred is there and she wants Fred to jump her so.

The gang’s relationship is a key element of every Scooby show and if you leave the impression that they aren’t that close than you’ve got five characters acting independently that sometimes solve mysteries together.

Not to mention how badly the gang themselves are written.

I’ll start with Shaggy because he’s my guy and his treatment in MI makes me sad. Overall, I think he’s the most “in character” out of everyone but that still isn’t saying much. A lot of his development is through either Scooby or Velma and the Velma development was handled as poorly as possible. I know this show came out during a period where putting the guy on the receiving end of an abusive relationship was funny but that doesn’t make it okay. It’s played for laughs but even when I was little I didn’t think Shag being in a controlling relationship was amusing. When he breaks up with Velma (for a completely valid reason that doesn’t even mention her abuse of him) he’s painted as the bad guy and it’s brought up for the rest of the show. That effectively ruined his connection with the rest of the gang and now he’s more or less just there. He doesn’t get any emotional heart-to-hearts or scenes showing his relationship with the gang (the most he gets is with Daphne ironically). 

Most of the conflicts he alone faces are connected to Scooby or food and I feel like they could have explored so much more with him. Especially since that was the whole selling point of the show to begin with. The consistent fact that Shag is the glue that holds the gang together isn’t an element in this show either. I figured they might explore his obviously neglectful parents who still don’t seem too attached to the having a kid thing. But that didn’t happen and any outstanding Shaggy moments in the show aren’t as deep as the show promises.

Daphne easily gets it the worst. Her whole character is like completely dependent on Fred’s current attitude of her. Which is a shame because the show has these undertones of implying that Daphne is this eccentric, dorky, rich girl and I have no problem with that but nothing is done with it. Literally all of her characterization comes from Fred and any major development with her also comes from Fred. Season one her is pining for his affections relentlessly to the point that is seems kinda ridiculous. Even when they try and have Daphne “give up” on him she doesn’t even really do that. She’s just more inward about her feelings. I can’t even think of anything else to say about her because everything about her is just “SHE IS INTO FRED” in big red letters all over the story. I will mention that she is kinda sexualized in this show but it isn’t all that extreme. It’s not exactly illegal for a sixteen year old girl to wear bikinis (that she wears to get Fred’s attention of course). She did pull the teenager wearing lingire way before Riverdale did so props I guess (not really I still don’t understand the point).

It’s disappointing because Daphne is such a charming and lovable character in every show she’s in. Yet in MI she’s blown down to Fred’s arm candy and even when they promise to give her a character beyond that they really don’t. She falls back into the same relationship dynamic with him despite the supposed character growth.

MI Velma is given the backwards character arc of being the victim in an emotionally detached relationship. And it always confuses me because it’s obvious she had no interest in who Shaggy is because she wanted nothing to do with his life and kept trying to change him. Ironically she was trying to turn him into her arm candy and somehow convinced herself that he was the bad guy for not wanting to be that. The show wants you to feel bad for her because a boy chose a dog over her - but that isn’t even what happens! He states that he really isn’t ready for the kind of relationship Velma wants with him and that is painted as him choosing his dog. She holds that over him and Scooby’s heads for the rest of the show and I still don’t feel bad for her because she literally tried to force him to get rid of his dialogue quirk through physical harm. And he felt bad about it until the end of the episode????

When she isn’t abusing one of her best friends she’s usually talking down to all three of them because she’s perfectly aware that she’s smarter than them. Yet she’s the one who gets the most interesting story. Working for Mr. E and having an obvious lesbian relationship with Marcie are like actual things that progressed her character. Neither Shag or Daph get this treatment  and they don’t even get any character development to begin with. But every time I finish the show I stay at the same conclusion that I don’t like her all that much. Her redeeming quality could be her brutal sarcasm but that’s a character quirk that doesn’t fix who she is.

Oh Fred, dear little Fred. The one with the actual character arc that remains consistent. His character just got regulated to the dude-bro of your dreams with a trap/ascot obsession??? It’s pretty jarring to watch because Fred from the older shows is like this sweet guy who tries to play the mature one in the group. And then MI took that and threw it away so they could turn him into Captain Oblivious who only notices his feelings for Daphne when she expresses even the smallest bit of disinterest in him (how many relationships have I seen like that irl? Too many). There’s also the unspoken rule that all Fraphne development happens through jealousy (it’s been that way since Zombie Island and is still a regular thing). 

The thing is, there’s so much I could say about Fred yet not really all that much. He gets the most story and arguably the most screen-time. He prioritizes so many things over Daphne’s feelings for him and when they’re dating Daph states that she feels like one of his traps because he’s so controlling. He breaks her heart like it’s no big deal but then we’re supposed to believe he still loves Daph enough to actually stalk her?? The more I think about it the more shocked I get.

Actually, the more I talk about this show the more shocked I get. Mystery Incorporated has always been held to a higher regard as the best Scooby show. But that’s coming from the crowd that didn’t watch everything Scooby-Doo had to offer. 

Aside from the great art and animation, the integration of a greater evil happening behind the scenes, and probably the best score as well, MI’s flaws outweigh all of the good things it brings to the table. I try to give it another chance and I am always disappointed because nothing is accomplished or done with the characters and that’s what I was promised. An overarching plot suggests character development and progression but we don’t get that. Instead we get the butchering of a cast of characters we love and a bogus ending that makes zero sense in the context of anything.

TLDR; MI sucks but I would still watch it everyday for the rest of my life if it meant I never had to watch Scoob! again.

[aeipathic]

1-9 honest meme!

munday honesty || accepting || @miranyutu​

What would prevent you from following someone?

a few things! if their writing style doesn’t seem to jive with mine is a big one -- that is, if i see myself having difficulty coming up with responses or parsing theirs! i also like to go in knowing what to expect, so if you’re an oc but don’t give much info about your character/verses/etc, i might not follow. and also just if, by looking through the blog, the mun displays an attitude i don’t think i’d get along or i don’t think would be healthy for me to have on my dash. also if you’re from a fandom i know nothing about i probably won’t follow because i’d feel out of my depth, lol. 

Are aesthetics important to you? If they are, why?

not really! i used to go in for aesthetics more -- i’d make my own theme backgrounds and promos, and was proud of a few of them -- but i really just don’t have the energy for it now? i still like having pretty aesthetics around (hence why i’ve fallen back into the icon-making pit a bit despite swearing up and down i wouldn’t lmao) but i’m not going to prioritize them over just. writing. 

What current rp trend do you hate?

lord, i’m not sure i’ve been back long enough to know what the current rp trends are. (i was gone from tumblr rp for a couple years.) i’ve talked about this to friends, but i guess maybe i’ll say that i remember when reblog karma first started to be a thing, and i think it’s spread farther now than it used to? like, i totally get “hey don’t reblog a bunch of memes from me and never send one in, that doesn’t make me feel great,” so in regards to ask memes and stuff it makes sense. but now i feel like -- and maybe i’m wrong -- but i feel like some people don’t want you to reblog anything from them that isn’t an ic interaction? i’m constantly worried about whether someone’ll be annoyed if i reblog a musings post or art or anything non-rp from them, and try to go from the source just to be safe, but it feels a lil like walking on eggshells when i’d much rather.....just feel fine interacting freely with the people on my dash without worrying about committing some infraction against this new etiquette that i don’t fully understand, lol.

How do you explain rp to someone in the real world?

i used to never talk about rp irl, because i was worried i’d just come across as weird, but i tended to call it “collaborative writing with people online” when i did. now it’s a little easier to talk about it, because a lot of my friends either play or know about tabletop rpgs, and it’s a lot easier to feel okay talking about written rp when someone already understands the concept of tabletop rp.

Do you prefer interacting with male muses or female more? Why?

i don’t think i have a preference? i think it’s a sad truth that i end up playing and interacting with more male muses than female just because of the fandoms i’m in (you try being into sports anime and finding a lot of girls to interact with, and ofc shows like cql are 90% men), but it’s not because i prefer it! 

Do you prefer writing male muses or female more? Why?

sort of same answer as before, that i end up playing more male muses because there are more male canon characters available in the media i consume, but it’s not that i prefer them necessarily! i love writing women. some of the characters i play that i love and respect the most are my women muses. but idk, i just don’t. think about it in terms of preference? maybe bc i myself am nonbinary, but i don’t think what gender a character is necessarily influences my desire to play them. i’ll play any gender.

What’s your opinion on call out posts?

i’m wary of them. i recognize the importance of bringing attention to genuinely dangerous presences, and i have had friends participate in writing callout posts for people who really did need to be called out, and the rpc was a better space after those people were gone. but i also think the mob mentality behind callouts can be a dangerous thing too. i’m not gonna get into like, the Whole Complex Issues around cancel culture in general, but for my own comfort i tend to just not engage with call outs unless i have personal knowledge in what has happened.

Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

okay uh. 1) idk if people still do this, but the trend of making things Really Small. like, double-small/superscript text and icons that are about five pixels wide and so high contrast that you can’t see what’s in it? like, obviously i use small text ‘cause i like it, but not that small. actually, i might just expand this to lack of accessibility in general, like when themes have so much going on you can’t find the links to anything, or the colors are so badly contrasted i can’t read the text. i would just like to be able to see please!

2) when clique-iness gets out of hand. like okay, lmao, i’ve been accused of being part of a “clique” before just for interacting with my friends on the dash, so sometimes it’s a baseless thing to talk about, but i’ve also been in rpcs where you were made to feel that if you weren’t part of a certain already-established group of writers, then people wouldn’t want to write with you. i’ve also been part of very divisive rpcs, where you were either in one “group” or the other, and always had to know who was okay to interact with and who wasn’t, and it was exhausting and drove me out of that community altogether.

3) when people are Weird about dupes. like, i understand duplicate anxiety -- i’m duplicate-friendly, because i’m a lot more anxious feeling that i’m Not Allowed To Acknowledge The Existence of dupes, i’d much rather just be friends, but i very much understand wanting to avoid duplicates and i’ll always respect that. but. what i mean is when you have people who act like they’re okay with dupes -- but then get visibly jealous when people interact with other versions of their muse, or feel the need to remind people that they’ve been here longer so they must have a better understanding, or any number of other ways of subtly making duplicates feel unwelcome and unwanted just for existing in the same space as them. 

What is your opinion on exclusivity? Do you practice it? Why / why not?

occasionally! i think i’ve only ever been ship exclusive, and not fully exclusive. i’m much more likely to have mains than exclusives. if i go ship exclusive with someone, it’s because we’ve spent a long time developing that relationship and our investment has defined how i see that ship, and because i feel close to that writer and trust them. and i think it’s kinda special, to have one writer you develop this relationship with, because you can go so deep with it and build up so much.

but in general, no, i won’t go entirely exclusive, because it’s fun seeing different people’s interpretations of characters and i like having the chance to rp with a number of different people! and i know it can feel a little daunting to come into an rpc and feel like everyone’s already exclusive with each other, so i think not being exclusive opens up space for people. but yeah, i totally understand why exclusivity is a thing, and it’s definitely something i’ll practice with ship partners at times.

[lumilasi]

Hello! I was wondering if you have any advice on how to story bulid? You seem really great with that!

Oof, well, I can try. I’ve never really thought about how it happens in practice for me, I just...sorta map everything out on my head from the start? I’ll be using some of my fics as bit of an examples when trying to explain stuff, I hope that’s okay. I’m bad at explaining things heh

I guess the few tips I can give based on how I do my writing would be these, though I dunno if they’ll help, given everyone is an individual and different stuff works for different people;

I usually tend to decide the ending from the start, so I know what I am working towards. It is not set in stone however, and some details may change overtime. Knowing your ending roughly beforehand can help with foreshadowing stuff however, so I’ve found it a pretty useful technique when writing.

Majority of fics are about romance, but I recommend giving attention to other relationships as well, they can really help with estabilishing what kind of version of the character we’re dealing with. Focusing on a non-romantic connection can be quite refreshing and give you a new perspective on the character you’re focusing on. I tend to actually prioritize family/friendship bonds over romance a lot in my fics lmao

More different types of character connections means more material to work with too! More possibilities! More sleepless nights spent mapping out shit-ton of stuff in your head. ........Wait.

Going back to the foreshadowing thing, it’s a pretty good trick to drop hints about what’s going to come up in the future, giving people a mystery to discover and stuff to theorize about. This kind of lore-building is also pretty useful in keeping people interested if your main relationship is currently being a slow-burn thing heh (See Soul Journey for example; Izuku and Tomura’s connection is still being built slowly, but I’ve estabilished a lot of lore and hints for future already so it doesn’t feel like the story is being slow....I hope)

Don’t be afraid to type out even the wackiest of ideas/things you’ve never really seen written before with the characters you want to write about; many of my currently most liked fics were pretty bizarre ideas at first glance, yet people clearly seem to enjoy them. I dunno if this is about story building though, it’s more just a general ’go wild and have fun!’ Recommendation

If you write an AU with your own world and such, it’s good to kinda map out the basic way the world works beforehand. I personally never take notes, but I feel like most people should/will. I’m bit of an oddball amongst fic writers apparently with my speed alone.

Every action a character does has consequences. It depends on the rules of the world you’ve estabilished what those are. It’s good to keep this in mind as it can help making the story direction feel more logical, having cause and effect at play. You can have a few convenient moments mixed in though, where something gets helpfully ignored because plot, or something magically fixes the problem. Just try not to do it too much I suppose, having stuff feel logical makes the story flow better....or something. This one’s pretty hard to explain tbh, it’s just kinda something you’ll learn to do overtime the more you write.

Choosing the point of view you write from can have quite an effect on the story. Different people have a different way of looking at things/different kind of knowledge about the situation, and that can be reflected in the narrative. FS is a pretty good example of this at play; the vibe is different from when we follow Tenko’s point of view, when compared to Hisashi, or Toshinori. It can really help to sort of flesh out your story even more, having these different viewpoints, keeping everything interesting.

Oof, that’s all I can think of right now.

To summarize it short;

decide a rough outline for your ending beforehand, so you know what you’re working towards. Foreshadow things, both to give people stuff to look forward to and theorize about/keep things interesting while the main relationship is being built. Use different viewpoints and multiple relationship types to add more flavor in the story, as well as give yourself more material to work with, as it honestly makes stuff a lot easier. When character does something, make sure it actually has consequences most of the time. Use plot-armor/Deus ex machina/insert another term here rarely. Estabilish the rules of your AU beforehand for yourself, just to make the writing process easier on you.

That’s about all I can say to this right now. You don’t have to use any of these tips, as like I said, it’s really just based on my own way of working, and you might find other kind of way more in line with your personal style and preferences.

I have a friend IRL who doesn’t understand why I decide the ending from the start for example, they think it’s limiting for creativity. I disagree with them obviously, but that’s just an example of people functioning differently with this process.

I still hope at least some of that is helpful to you! It’s really difficult for me to explain my writing process given I never really break it down and think how it works lmao. I just sit down and write.

[memoriesofyccjungrk]

this is a very … unexpected fc change notice !!

i’ve been struggling for about … a year ? trying to revitalize this muse ? not that i’ve lost any love for yccjungrk – actually, that’s why i’m trying this out to see if it makes much of a difference. she’s a muse that i hold very close to my heart, and that i couldn’t fathom abandoning … so here we are, trying something different ! if you know me well or follow me on twitter, you probably know i was considering this fc change about ? i think a year ago ? and i think it’s finally time to give it a try. new year, new muse, i guess ? so, two years after her acceptance we’ve finally moved from weki meki’s choi yoojung to dreamcatcher’s lee gahyeon !! nothing more than her face ( obviously ), birthdate ( now february 3, she’s an aquarius now ! ), and her hometown ( busan ! ) has changed !! it shouldn’t affect her muse much, slight personality tweaks, although not so much due to the fc change versus a small revamp of her – but that will be explained below. it’s not even really a revamp.

but anyway – gahyeon’s among very few fcs i could see representing this muse, and i knew that if i ever did change yccjungrk’s fc, it would be to gahyeon. so here we are !! we’re starting this muse’s third year here at rookies, as well as 2020, with a path to what’s hopefully a happier, healthier, and more active muse. so, below are some ramblings trying to figure things out, as well as plots ( !! ) and some new information about royal’s lovely lupine, lee gahyeon !! please welcome her with open arms.

here’s to new beginnings ♥

things have been a little ? tough for this muse recently. so here’s going back to the beginnings – because honestly, her muse wasn’t very established when i started out here at rookies. instead, i started with a generic muse who felt a little lost, a little betrayed, and didn’t know what she wanted to do upon coming to rookies. as i established her as a muse here, the following developed ::

her mother died when she was young, and is the reason she started dancing

her father shut down after her mother’s death, blaming himself for what happened

she tried to reconcile and cope with what happened, but she was young and her father, who was her only real support system at the time, wasn’t responding well either … so, she had to grow up very quickly and take care of herself

she worked at a dance studio throughout high school that she’d attended as a student in middle school

she participated in a dance crew while in high school

she excelled in school because she wanted her father to notice her – but he never did because he paid little attention to anything

she managed to get into snu on a full-ride scholarship bc of her grades, and moved to seoul to attend as a linguistics major to go into a ‘ practical ’ career where she could make money, but she … really hated it

the only thing that got her through it was that she worked as a choreographer at a dance studio, image, in seoul; that dance studio was basically her life, if she wasn’t at the snu library, she was there

finally alone, she thought about actually pursuing her dreams and doing what she wanted for once in her life

with the help of kim doyeon, she applied for the mgas

she’s still confused as to how she managed to get a contract, and that royal entertainment of all companies wanted her

she was excited, but stressed, in the beginning – now she’s mostly just stressed

her life doesn’t have much direction now

of course the direction she’s currently pointed is toward debut – and don’t get me wrong, she wants to debut !! but with the boy’s recent debuts gahyeon can’t help but look at them and feel a little helpless. because of course it’s a good sign – it means it’s possible to debut !! but it also means that she likely won’t debut anytime soon. she does love being a trainee and realizes how lucky she is to even have gotten this chance, much more with royal – but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t gotten a little … well, lost ( *cue lost in the woods from frozen 2* ). she doesn’t know what to do because sure, she has what she wanted – she’s a trainee now !! she’s so grateful !! but she’s also, well … a trainee now. her path is uncertain from here on out. she’s aware that royal wouldn’t debut a girl group for a while.

so … what to do now ?

the simple thing is to throw her to the wringer. get her sick, have her father come back to haunt her, injure her, something simple. easy stuff. but not really likely ? gahyeon’s careful and knows her limits ( even if she tends to overwork herself anyway, but at least she usually realizes when too much is too much ), so she wouldn’t allow herself to get injured nor is she likely to get sick, and the ol’ mun in the back has plans for gahyeon’s father … so that doesn’t leave a whole lot. the lovely mod carly mentioned writing out goals, so … what are those atm ?

debut, with the royal girls preferably

get lee dongmin to kiss her ( yes jess, she won’t shut up about it )

keep in better contact with her idol & non-trainee friends

create new choreography

go back to university

create a life outside of royal

admittedly, it’s not much. it’s hard to … muddle through the fog that’s surrounded her muse, because she feels stuck. she feels as though she’s not making any real progress, and like everything involving trainee-dom is monotonous. she doesn’t like doing the same thing week after work, and january’s evaluation is the first one she’s actually been pretty excited about. she doesn’t know how to fix that issue … doesn’t know where to go, who to talk to – but … she has friends.

life outside of royal hasn’t really … existed much for gahyeon since signing. she talks with friends outside of royal primarily through text, and she meets with her friends at events around the city when she has time, but ? that can’t be her life. that’s really why everything’s so boring. her life is work, eat, sleep, repeat. she doesn’t do much outside of her trainee schedule ( not that royal gives her much time ), but all work and no play makes johnny a dull boy, and all that.

with the fc change, gahyeon isn’t much different. actually, most of her personality changes have already been put in place via her becoming a trainee, and being more confident in herself and her skills. she still has severe insecurities about herself and her talent that she masks with a convincing enough façade – but maybe we can break that ? her birthdate change makes her an aquarius now ( which, i’m sorry aquarius friends, made me literally groan irl bc i’ve met very few aquarius’ i like rip ). so, it’s almost as if the personality she was gaining fits her a little bit more now – just … more insecure than maybe she should be. with her time as a trainee, gahyeon has become more independent, and is more likely to speak up for herself. it doesn’t help the fact that she’s a little, well, over-emotional. not that she wasn’t before – it’s only amplified by the fact she’s a little more forward than perhaps she was before becoming a trainee. she tends to take on a mentor/motherly role to anyone younger than her, or anyone who has any struggles and asks her for help. she puts other people before herself and is almost altruistic to a fault. she prioritizes other people and their progress over her own, but she usually makes up for it by working herself ragged. but that’s always how her life has been – she took care of her father, so she takes care of everyone around her. it’s always been about them – never her.

i’ve also noticed something: gahyeon needs connections.

i have this problem where she has relationships/friendships with people, but she never really ? interacts with them ? i don’t know why, probably because i’m quite terrible at plotting and have run dry on ideas – but you know ! we need to change that. she only has maybe ? 2-3 solid, deep connections ? but we always need more.

anyone who may have met gahyeon back in her dance crew days !! this would’ve been around 2015-17 ? she also would’ve travelled a bit for it, so if you were perhaps part of one, y’all would probably have met at competitions !

she’s now from busan instead of changwon – so maybe i could get more past connections for her ? maybe people she knew in hs or who went to the dance studio she was a junior choreographer at ?

people who used to take glasses from gahyeon and want to reconnect

people who went to snu with gahyeon and either knew she auditioned for mgas/were confused when she dropped bc they never knew and want to know what happened

you’ve seen her videos online/saw her on the mgas, so you approach her !! maybe you’re also a youtuber, and you want to collab on something !! she’s super open, and youtube challenges seem dumb and fun she’ll do it

you need a roommate, and gahyeon’s apartment is big enough for two people – after some talks with the super, they’re letting her get a roommate, and honestly gahyeon’s super thankful, she’s very lonely and hates living alone

you live in gahyeon’s building and her dog always at some point in the night ends up yipping – you realize that it’s when gahyeon comes home and decide to confront her about it. she’s a child and scared when you confront her, maybe she cries – but she’s exhausted and you notice and well now you’re friends

maybe we need a burnt out trainee support group bc gahyeon wants to lay on the floor and sleep all the time and that’s just not healthy

speaking of which, you find her on the practice room floor one night because she fell asleep before she could manage to leave … and maybe you reprimand her because she really shouldn’t be doing that

someone she opens up to about her struggles – especially about her feeling inadequate. a connection where gahyeon hadn’t realized there would be one.

you two were close before gahyeon became a trainee and she apologizes profusely for dropping off the face of the planet when she got signed but you’re here now so let’s go get some korean bbq and i’ll pay for the drinks, okay !!!

literally anyone who will do bts cyphers with gahyeon ( preferably trainees, but if non-trainees would want this plot uh !! she has a youtube channel !! what’s stopping her ?? catch gahyeon snatching j-hope’s lines thank you very much

gahyeon likes to cook let’s have a party or smthing sometime soon and like. she can just cook for everyone. idk. let gahyeon cook more 2k20

not to mention, she’s open for ... literally anything. please, if you’re interested in anything, hit me up, either here or on twitter ( @/arkendrai ). i want and need more plots, and i want gahyeon to last a long time here. if we’ve already plotted and you want to snatch something up ! let me know ! if we haven’t ! let me know !! we can get ... literally anything started, please

i love you all, and i hope this is a better year for us all

[faelapis]

white diamond’s morality

i think one of the reasons i like SU so much is, i feel its approach to morality is more structural than individual.

cartoons tend to be a bit... “great man history” about its conflict resolution. that is to say, entire systems hinge on their leaders, and the masses are easily led in a new direction if the old leader is dispatched. this is seen as unproblematic, and no one clings to everything they were taught under the old system. unless, of course, they’re one of the “bad seeds” (note again the individualism) and must also be dispatched, rather than understood as part of a context.

su definitely has a bit of that, namely the gems who were inspired by rose and chose to fight with her, but it’s more deconstructive about it. they all have personal reasons for joining, rather than the rejection of their old lives being the “default”. they still cling to fears of failing to be what they’re supposed to (especially pearl), and their leader doesn’t have a solution to the gem hierarchy. 

rose is against it, but she doesn’t know how to dismantle it. she carries seeds of disrespect towards those she protects. she may not even think they can truly break free, judging by her dialogue. she plays the perfect leader, because she’s become depressed enough to think that’s what they want her to be. it’s certainly what she was encouraged to think.

moreover, many on the cg side, including rose, thought that “shattering“ pink would be the end of it. that the dear leader was necessary to keep the system alive. but that thought is subverted - not just by the other diamonds, whose ties to pink are close, but by her followers. the ones whose role became their solace, rather than the thing they wanted to escape from. they don’t all become crystal gems, because that’s not what makes sense to them. what makes sense is to... keep going, as before. that’s what made sense to jasper, eyeball, nephrite.

and yes, they all suffer for it, but the worldbuilding of the show is strong enough that there’s inherent understanding that their responses make sense within their world, and that expecting them to celebrate and change sides overnight is... kind of unfair. it was certainly immature of rose, if she ever had that hope.

which brings me to white diamond.

i love the setup of the current arc. the question is never “can white be redeemed or will we just have to kill her”, because there are actual reasons they’re talking to her in the first place that aren’t merely ideological. like, ok, you defeat white, then what? the corrupted gems are still corrupted. her gems will hate you, maybe even seek revenge. i hope your individual moral purity was worth it, because that’s all you get for refusing to talk to her. by treating her as an individual evil, you’re inherently choosing to ignore structural problems at hand.

so the real questions are as following: 1. what would steven need to do to convince white to help him? 2. why does white perpetuate the system, and what does she think would happen without it?

i’m not the oracle who can tell you the former, but the latter is worth discussing. most of the reaction i’ve seen to the idea of white having genuine character motivation is very... well, as the saying goes, “cool motive, still murder”.

but people basically say that about every character before they know that motivation. they said it about jasper. they said it about blue and yellow (some still do, but others substitute that for blaming everything on white). it’s a very easy thing to say, when you assume all it could be is just “maybe they’re sad and lonely :(“... but that’s not what i imagine for white.

to be clear - i do think she’s lonely. isolating yourself in your head (figuratively and literally) for thousands of years will do that to you... and playing puppet with her pearl is kind of a brilliant commentary on what it’s like to be avoidant - you’re there, you can see and hear others, but you’re shielding yourself in such a way that they can’t really reach you. you’re not present enough to open yourself up, or ever tell anyone how you feel. “white never leaves her own head anymore”.

but this isn’t a motivation in and of itself. avoidance is tied to anxiety, so what is white so scared of happening if she lets go of her control?

honestly, i think what she fears is nothing less than the end of gemkind.

becoming a childless god.

the crystal gems are basically ok with that. they have to be, because gem production requires feeding off of planets, and fertile ones tend to be populated - hence the injectors look like irl viruses. they’re a parasitic species. they reproduce by killing their host.

moreover, gem production is highly specialized. you need kindergarteners, and then you need lapis lazulis to terraform in preparation of the injectors, then of course you need armies to conquer the next planet, and then Of Course you need agates to keep those gems in line, and then Naturally you need a court system with zircons to make sure everyone does their jobs, and Obviously guards to keep the peace, and managers, and pilots, and domestic servants, and if everyone doesn’t do these things then nothing will ever get done! there will be chaos and we’ll be defeated and we’ll all die next time we try to reproduce. what’s that, the youngest diamond thinks we should prioritize humankind over our own species? don’t be absurd!

that’s the rabbit hole of anxiety white has fallen down. and those anxieties aren’t merely hers, but everyone who follows the system - and gems seemingly burst out of the ground “already knowing what they’re supposed to be”, which is very much in line with that system. 

we tend to prescribe individuality to the diamonds, that they do things merely because they want to, but i think white is as much part of her court as her court depends on her. she doesn’t just think she’s the leader, she thinks she has to be in order to serve her society. she’s another gear in the clockwork, just like everyone else. why shouldn’t she stay in her room as a perfect queen, shining down on her court without desires of her own? why should she open up about what she wants? such irrational thoughts...

i think how pink creates life (the pebbles, lion, steven’s watermelons) terrifies white, because it’s use of resources without that structure. putting your own desires above your duty, allowing atomic chaos controlled only by each individual, knowing that those individuals could be destroyed and nothing new could be made without a diamond’s essence... feels selfish to her. like. ok, you want individuality and choice, cool, i’m kinda trying to keep everything in its place so we can live on as a species. but go off i guess.

and this is the part where i say what’s obvious but still needs to be said - white’s perspective is flawed. pink may be reckless, selfish, and naive, but white’s system is so deeply collectivist that she fails to see the clockwork as made up of individuals. why shouldn’t she harvest and replace a faulty part, if someone in the beehive isn’t doing their job perfectly? we’re all just machine parts, and we’re all replaceable. naturally. for the greater good. 

it’s fitting that what made her smile in the first place was a synchronized dance of literal machine parts. the end of that order terrifies her.

this is why her design (and homeworld’s) is so heavily inspired by the movie “metropolis” - which was in and of itself a critique of the dehumanization of workers under industrialism. white is the end point of that. that’s also where we got the quote for the configuration of the diamond ship - “the mediator between the head (white) and the hands (blue & yellow) must be the heart (steven)”. 

but it’s not just her. peridot and jasper both think this is perfectly rational, and write the crystal gems off as emotional and selfish (at first). and.. everything taken into account, it’s clear that neither the crystal gems as a collective or rose as an individual have been able to fully cast these ideas aside. rose’s answer wasn’t for gems - it was to put her faith in humanity, who “can choose”. who can reinvent themselves. and she thought right up until her last years that gems are somewhat tied to their purpose. that’s why she wanted to be human, after all.

and that’s why steven makes such a great bridge between these worlds. he’s blunt about how wrong it is, what rose and the crystal gems thought - that gems couldn’t change. of course they can, look at how far garnet, amethyst, and pearl have come! look at how they’ve blossomed, look at how they’ve worked to become their best selves! look at what gems and humans have in common! 

and what’s sometimes a flaw of his - inserting himself into other people’s lives and believing he understands what’s best for them, even before he knows them as individuals, to the point that it occasionally drives people (like lapis and lars) away... who does he have that in common with, if not the diamonds? if not the “impeccable judgement” of white herself?

i think that’s why, ultimately... flawed, biased and shortsighted as he can be (just like his mother), steven can get through to white. maybe not now, but someday. because he understands how these things fit together, how the problems of individuals have structural causes. most importantly, he knows that it’s going to take more than just him to fix things - and maybe he can help white realize that, too. there’s a secret fusion or love affair everywhere you look on homeworld, and so she could never really control a clockwork order... but that’s ok, because she can let go. everything in the world isn’t up to her.

[starsailorstories]

I have no idea if any of it is accurate to what would be done/could be done irl but working on vol. 2 I’m realizing Bolt has some really specific methods as to how things ought to be done in “her” clinic/hospital/mobile units...I’d be interested if any followers with actual jobs in healthcare have opinions about any of these because they’re things I think she’d want based on her character, not based on like personal life experience or knowledge of the science/logistics:

Bolt herself tends to do this kind of thing naturally, but it’s clear she’s also THINKING about the fact that emotional support/psychological first aid is a part of medical care, and she teaches the medics who actually go into battle, especially, very specific things to say WHILE they’re not only responding to casualties, but also screening brand new rescues for contagion. Things like “You’re at ___________. If you feel able, tell me something you see right now” and “Why don’t you tell me when you’re ready for me/my assistant to hold your hand. You can wait as long as you want, or tell us if you don’t want to be touched.” This is shown in the book and it’s inspired by trauma first aid info like this that I’ve been linked to through activist stuff and by the methods developed by groups like Chicago ACT UP’s Committee for Sustainable Activity & Care (partly described in this pamphlet by Jane Addams Collective), but I also tweaked a lot of what’s said because the Bell Town medics would be adapting their guidelines to suit survivors of a very specific method of institutional abuse, with whom it’s essential to obtain consent for all touch and conversation but for whom it can be very stressful to be put on the spot to make decisions.

There’s both specific scripts and overall guidelines for treating units fresh out of a bad situation, which are something along the lines of:

Give a direct instruction, but phrase it conversationally--you want a tone and word choice where it’s clear you’re not giving an order that must be followed or else, BUT there’s no ambiguity

Always either emphasize that nothing bad will happen if she’s unable to follow the instruction, or clearly explain the medical consequences, if those exist, of not following the instruction and offer help/further explanation

Obviously there will be emergencies and times when the above two guidelines can’t be followed PERFECTLY, but that’s why you need to practice a lot and internalize them so that you can think on your feet about the fastest, most effective way to work together with your patient

Read signals, check up, talk about feelings in downtime whenever she’s comfortable with that. Get the best understanding you can of where each sister you work with is in her own healing process and allot your energy wisely

Bolt was PAYING ATTENTION when Shade, Rosie and the other theory/strategy makers talked about how all imbalanced power dynamics risk triggering all of their indoctrination. She’s incredibly aware of the physical power her medics possess over those incapacitated by illness or injury and how important it is to enforce a sense of responsibility on the medics’ end. She teaches them that if a patient’s being difficult they should ask themselves if there’s anything they can do to put them in a calmer mood--sometimes the answer is no, and that’s okay, and she doesn’t want them to feel guilty about it; but she wants them holding in mind that the people who come to them are already suffering, and aggression is an understandable response to feeling helpless. Even if the solution is trading shifts with someone who has a different approach, or tag teaming, or whatever, her goal is to never let anyone feel like the medics are trying to shut her up basically although once they go topside and are treating random Basilean citizens alongside rebels she does have Words with people who patronize her girls just because they’re lux. That’s another power dynamic to account for entirely, sweetheart!

She also has this thing about how the patients’ room/bed is THEIR space, not the medics’. Unless it’s an emergency, they’re taught to behave like guests. And they’re not the authority on what the patient can allow into and do with their space, the patient is in charge of that and it’s the medics’ responsibility to mitigate whatever risks there might be to that, sort of like how in a city people generally do what they want in their own yards but if it’s potentially dangerous/harmful the city might send them a notice, etc.

There’s no Method for this but Boltie has everybody working under her direction at any given time mentally ranked on a scale from most soft and gushy to most no-nonsense and professional and has the uncanny ability to immediately clock everyone who comes into the clinic in terms of which end of the scale they’ll respond best to

On the other hand, this is certainly a privilege of having MUCH more time and sheer people power to work with than a human in her position would, but in general everything is organized for maximum flexibility and maximum time spent with every patient. That’s still going to mean minutes and not hours on regular rounds, but they aim for enough to have a bit of a conversation if one is wanted and check on things that are contributing to the person’s condition even if they aren’t the main priority.

Also, Bolt prioritizes the mental and emotional health of her team as highly as she does that of her patients. She invites Literally Everyone--in rotating small groups organized by shifts--from the most senior battlefield surgeons to the newest trainees into her actual home several times a week to talk about what’s been going on and everything they’ve been processing about it and show each other support. She’s been known to arrange for medics stationed away from the town to bring their loved ones with them regardless of practicality level, just because she believes that people with support systems make better medics. 

Bolt’s not just a team mom, she’s a team Mother in the Andromedan sense--the beating heart of a community hundreds strong, a group therapist with an open-door policy, and a logistical organizer who refuses to compromise the wellbeing of a single one of the people she’s adopted. And just having the level of emotional skill and stamina to navigate all that and do a reasonable job of delegating and taking care of herself after everything she’s been through is probably one of the most heroic feats in the trilogy

[scratchface]

Yusaku has better shit to do.

Aka Part 2 of the Yusaku Character Analysis!

Part 1 is here

So we covered why Yusaku is so socially isolated, but now we have to discuss who Yusaku really is and why.

First and foremost, to understand Yusaku, we have to note that he is highly mission-oriented. In season 1, Yusaku is always focused on and prioritizing the task at hand. Everything else comes second, if it even registers at all. Yusaku is so focused on his mission to the point of being oblivious about other matters, such as charisma duelists. He’s very concentrated on his three reasons, his three goals, and nothing short of life-threatening situations can even compete with that in his mind. It’s all about defeating Hanoi, helping Jin, and finding his special person. Nothing else matters, except for people’s lives. Even when Yusaku makes a move to help out other people, it’s because it serves his own goals or is to keep them from dying. That’s why Yusaku, for the most part, outright ignores everybody else’s emotional drama and only sticks his nose in their business when they’re actively doing something dangerous. 

So to get Yusaku, we have to understand that what’s significant to us, as the viewers, probably does not matter to him at all. 

A great example of this is the non-relationship between Aoi and Yusaku. Take the scene where Aoi overshares with a guy’s she’s spoken to once, because he mentioned her famous brother’s name, then runs off, obviously upset: 

This infodump on a near stranger is simultaneously an accusation and a plea for help. This is where the shonen protagonist is supposed to chase after her and comfort her, feeling both offended and guilty. Where they’re supposed to hash it all out and become closer.

But while the viewer feels bad for Aoi here, Yusaku never does anything with this information. In fact, based on their most recent interaction, we can assume Yusaku hasn’t really spoken to Aoi since she ran off months ago, considering she still hadn’t thanked him for finding her unconscious body on the school roof. That’s because, to put it simply, it’s all irrelevant to him. 

He only approached Aoi to see if she had information on SOL, and it’s clear she does not, so he does not speak with her again IRL. It’s not that Yusaku is incapable of being kind, caring, or sympathizing, but he has other stuff to do. While the viewer may be attached to Aoi here, Yusaku is clearly not.

The only time Yusaku shows the slightest interest in the Zaizen’s drama is episodes later, when he points out that he doesn’t want to be involved with either of them and doesn’t want them in the darkness. Knowing what we now know about Yusaku and how he perceives the world, we know of “the darkness” = the abyss, not just his quest for revenge. Yusaku doesn’t want them to cross the abyss; he doesn’t want them to live in the same world as him, like Ryoken does. Yusaku recognizes the Zaizen’s as pure-hearted people (to a rather frustrating degree), and wants nothing to do with them, for the best interests of them and himself.

Yusaku obviously thinks similarly about Go and Ema. He doesn’t want them to cross the “abyss” either. And he doesn’t want anything to do with them either, besides what’s necessary. Take, for example, the end of the duel with Ema. Ema outright pulls the most cliche romantic Japanese line on him, and even specifies when Ai doesn’t get it that she’s not actually talking about the moon. 

Whether this is a true expression of romantic intent or an attempt to distract Playmaker isn’t clear, but Yusaku just demands she hand over the back-door program. His only interest is, as always, the mission, and not at all in the beautiful woman trying to flirt with him. His no-nonsense attitude leaves Ema no openings to continue.

I alway thought Ema looked kind of sad here, either because of the rejection or because she’s realized not even she can distract Yusaku from his dangerous path. (But she’s also interested and more than a little infatuated with the mystery of Hanoi, the Incident, and Playmaker.)

Yusaku looks at the moon after Ema leaves, but instead of wondering what Ema could have possibly seen in it or in him, Yusaku wonders if SOL’s databank will have what he needs. Whatever feelings Ema was trying to express, they clearly didn’t make much impact. 

So Yusaku has other things on his mind and no time for the emotional journeys of the other characters. 

Why is Yusaku so single-minded? In season 1, the revenge quest is Yusaku’s last resort. He’s tried years of therapy, of trying to be normal, but none of it helped his PTSD. He never smiles, or laughs, and doesn’t seem to have anything he enjoys or even likes. He’s so worried about the important person he left behind in Hanoi that it “tears at his soul”. He can’t connect with anyone around him, and doesn’t even want to. Yusaku’s life is really miserable. As he told Akira, he has no friends or precious moments, and his youth is already ruined beyond repair. The gloomy abyss scene is suggested to be how Yusaku has seen the world for 10 years. Yusaku is at the point where he is almost unable to care about anything else, because this is his last chance and his last option: revenge. 

Either he gets revenge and finally gets a chance at life after, or he dies trying.

But Yusaku also just doesn’t have much else to care about. Almost every other character in the series is motivated by their family.

Ryoken -> his father. Aoi -><- Akira. Go -> the orphans. Spectre -> his “mother”. Kengo -> his mother. Kusanagi -> his brother. Vyra and Faust -> their little “brother”. I could probably go on.

There is no mention of Yusaku’s family. He doesn’t seem to have any, or remember them if he ever did. This makes Yusaku’s task-driven nature all the more unique in Vrains, and makes his fixation on finding the special person all the more poignant. 

Yusaku isn’t just focused on his mission, he has to complete it by himself.

Yusaku is a self-proclaimed loner. Up straight, Yusaku just doesn’t like being involved with other people. [I feel ya, Yusaku, I feel ya.] Not just because of the “abyss” but because Yusaku is living a dangerous life. He clearly states he doesn’t want anyone else involved and in danger, and in the worst case scenario, doesn’t want anyone to be associated with him. Just having Cyberse Wizard and calling himself Playmaker’s friend got Naoki kidnapped.

Yusaku doesn’t want anyone else to die in his fight; if he goes down, he wants to go down alone. And his revenge is meaningless if he’s not the one exacting it, so there’s no point in endangering others. Considering its been ten years and the only information Yusaku has gotten about the Incident is what he’s actively and probably illegally obtained himself, and that must have been incredibly frustrating. The result is that Yusaku doesn’t trust authority figures, or even most people. The only way he can be sure that his revenge is done right, even done at all, is if he does it himself. 

Yusaku has lived on his own for who knows how long. And that sort of independence at such a young age has instilled in him a fierce self-efficacy as well as self-sufficiency. From these same traits comes a sort of social aversion; the desire to handle things on his own. Yusaku knew Ema was sending him down the wrong path when she suggested they split up, but he didn’t protest or try to follow her. This is also especially clear at the end of the first season when Yusaku rejects a ride home and instead walks, wanting to be alone with his thoughts after the most emotionally taxing day of the entire series. Yusaku sorts through things best when he’s on his own, but he also struggles with that same solitude. He seem to prefer to sleep around people or stay up all night with Kusanagi, as the constant noise seems to relax him. It’s not so much loneliness that bothers Yusaku, but silence. No surprise, considering how his one comfort during the Incident was a voice. 

But despite his lone wolf attitude, Yusaku comes to respect other people’s desire to fight. Watching Go struggling against Genome, Yusaku struggles with himself; with his desire to interfere and his knowledge that he should stay out of it. 

Yusaku is acutely aware during the Anothers Incident that people are being hurt in a hunt for him. He feels responsible, but also recognizes that Hanoi wants to drag him out. So Yusaku forces himself to stick to investigating in the real world, and then finds Go is fighting on his behalf, with his “identity” on the line.

 And ultimately, Yusaku decides to limit his interference to just some tough encouragement. It’s here that we see that as long as they aren’t getting in his way, Yusaku is coming to terms with other people choosing to fight Hanoi. That’s why it’s not quite accurate to say “Yusaku doesn’t want help”. Yusaku is not going to ask for help, and he doesn’t want anyone interfering, but it’s irrelevant to him if others decide to fight on their own. 

Moreover, Yusaku doesn’t seem to mind his working partnerships; he’s very comfortable with both Kusanagi and Ai, and easily accepts both their advice and assistance when it’s viable. But for reasons I’ll get to in the next part, Go, Aoi, and Ema will probably never be able to reach this level of closeness with Yusaku, unlike Takeru.

Furthermore, Yusaku struggles between doing the right thing and doing what’s necessary for his goals

When Tower of Hanoi Arc happens, Aoi and Go show up with some words about being heroes and fighting for everyone. Aoi then asks what Playmaker is doing there and Yusaku lists three much more concrete goals.

To stop the tower, protecting Ai and the Cyberse from Hanoi and effectively foiling their plans again, preventing a world-wide disaster.

Saving Ema’s life.

And to fuck up Revolver’s shit. It’s all very focused and not at all like the idealistic answers Aoi and Go gave. Its more concrete, so when their motivations turn flimsy, his remains. 

Hours after that Go, Aoi, and Akira all get deleted and join Ema in the Tower. And some of that was pretty damn traumatizing for Yusaku: both Ema and Akira’s deletions drove him into a rage, as he was faced with his own weakness and helplessness. Because despite Yusaku’s focus on his revenge, and his competency, when it comes down to it, Yusaku is really bad at it. 

Despite knowing Hanoi’s connections with the experiments that ruined his life, Yusaku struggles with actually resenting the individuals. He respects human life too much to truly wish harm upon them, causing him to spend most of his quest searching for the truth over searching for payback. 

And then, when an innocent life is put between him and his mission, Yusaku freezes up. Spectre throws him off-balance, making him question whether his mission is truly reasonable and justifiable, and if it isn’t, if he’s prepared to bear the consequences and do what it takes to complete it anyway. 

Yusaku never really gets the chance to make this decision directly, aka make a kill. Akira and Spectre and Kogami all kill themselves, but after Akira Yusaku  not only refocuses on his mission, he doubles down on it. When he was forced to doubt himself and then reaffirmed by Akira’s words, instead of opening his mind up a little and seeing more than the mission, Yusaku goes straight into mission tunnel vision. Because Akira gave him the answer: he should choose the mission over people’s lives. 

Though he didn’t get a chance to chose the mission over life, due to Akira’s words, Yusaku is recognizing the necessity of sacrifice. As Go disappears, Yusaku is much more controlled and less furious than he was in the face of Akira and Ema’s deaths. And that’s because he’s decided the mission truly does take priority, and Go’s death serves a purpose to it. 

Now we see in season 2, in the wake of the Tower of Hanoi, that Yusaku isn’t as cool with other people joining the fight anymore. Before he might have let Aoi do her own thing so long as she didn’t bother him, but now he tells her “thanks but buzz-off”, because putting herself in danger again is unnecessary. 

Even though circumstances have changed and things aren’t as life-or-death, Yusaku still has no reason to think he needs help. Yusaku managed to take down the Knights of Hanoi and the Tower almost single-handedly--only two notable members weren’t defeated by him, and he certainly could have and would have taken them down himself had he tried to. 

It’s not just a matter of independence or Yusaku’s incredible skill; Yusaku had six months of Ryoken’s “Be strong” echoing either in the room or in his head, every time he showed weakness or failed. Yusaku associates weakness, hesitation, and helplessness with pain and starvation. It’s either “Be strong” or suffer. 

Furthermore, in the wake of Yusaku reprioritizing and casting aside his hesitation, Yusaku may truly want everyone else to stay out because he’s not willing to chose them over his goals if necessary. He may very well be trying to avoid another captive Akira situation because he now knows he will have to attack anyway. 

Thanks, Akira. 

That’s why Yusaku doesn’t protest each time Soulburner puts himself in danger so Yusaku can continue pursuit, and why he ditches them in the most recent episode even with Ai expressing concern. This is not something early Yusaku would be able to do so easily.

The mission to get back Jin absolutely takes priority over the others’ safety. Hell, Yusaku seemed pleasantly surprised when Soulburner came back fine from his duel with Go. He’s so used to other’s failing that part of him probably already wrote Takeru off as sacrificed. So it’s not that he trusts Takeru’s skills yet, but that he prioritizing.

So, all in all, Yusaku is the kind of person that does everything himself and is strong enough to make it work, and the Tower of Hanoi Arc validated that mindset. Having come to terms with making sacrifices for the bigger picture and working through a lifetime of distrust and an entire season of incompetency, he once again wants everyone to stay out of it and keep the body count to a minimum, but he’s at least nicer about saying it.

Yusaku’s single-minded focus on the current task and need to complete it himself without getting any more meddlers killed than necessary are essential factors to the question: who gets to help Yusaku? It all comes down to who can reach him, on the other side of the abyss, and who is good for the mission.

So, how the hell did Takeru manage it, when the others failed? 

Well, join me in Part 3 tomorrow, hopefully.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

Dealing with Depression

International lifelines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html 

Resources in he US and things I’ve used:

Crisis Text Line: https://www.crisistextline.org/ 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/ 

Wysa (also an app): https://www.wysa.io/ 

7cupsoftea (also now an app): https://www.7cups.com/ 

Stop, breathe, and think: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=org.stopbreathethink.app or https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/stop-breathe-think/id778848692?mt=8 

BetterHelp: https://www.betterhelp.com/ 

No one is probably going to see this lol, but just in case someone does, I’ll put this out there. I am by no means an expert or completely better, and what has worked for me so far may not work for you, but hopefully the few things I have to say is still helpful.

So, last year was by far the hardest to get through. From about Late April to probably mid-September I was at my lowest, often dealing with suicidal thoughts and ideations. I would also like to point out a few informational things: Am I clinically diagnosed with depression? No. Am I depressed? Yes, and I might also have social anxiety. Do I take medication? Yes. Do I have a psychiatrist? Yes. Do I go to therapy? Yes. Am I judgmental about anyone with mental illness? Absolutely not.

First and foremost, I encourage you to seek help and reach out. I know it is NOT AT ALL EASY, and it hurts that I say those stereotypical words because I know it’s easier said than done. But I care, so I encourage you to reach out in any means whether it be to a trusted human, doggo or pupper, teddy bear (I mean...your teddy will listen, not judge you, and give you hugs), crisis center, or hotline. If I’m being quite honest, it took me more than a year to reach out because I realized I was not okay. But the first and most important person I told, is one of the main reasons why I am still here. I could be all dramatic and be like “she saved my life” and that would not be a lie, but what’s more true is that she has provided me with a safe space emotionally and physically, support, encouragement, and resources. I’m sure it also helped that she works in the mental health field but hey, I am extremely lucky to have her in my life either way.

On some of the hardest most overwhelming days, her and her husband were kind enough to let me stay overnight with them. They also just let me hang out and watch Netflix when I really need to get away. I’ve never really had such a close deep friendship with anyone before them, but let me tell you, it feels good to be loved and cared for. They are like my new and improved family (I mean, they are a lot older than me too). I’ve known what it’s like to feel desperately alone and like no one cares, but there ARE people out there who do. I would say you should go out there and find them but ummm, it almost feels like those friends came to me hahaha. I guess “finding” in this context moreso means that if they aren’t a part of your present, they WILL be a part of your future.

Those also aren’t the only friends I’ve told. I happen to have a few friends irl and online *wow, I have friends?* and it took all the guts in my compromised digestive system to tell them. Just having people around me who know, won’t judge, and are there feels like an extra cushion. I can’t have only one other person carry my burdens, the load becomes lighter with more people. And obviously we’re not gonna have an infinite amount of people we trust enough to reveal such a seemingly dark part of our life with, but if you have more than one person, reach out. Take it one step at a time and you will eventually get there.

Even after telling the first person about my struggles, it took months to get further help. Eventually I reached out to the University’s Counseling Center—yes, I know I am lucky to have had all these resources available to me...for the low low cost of my tuition and fees. Ok but seriously though I really am lucky—and I met with a counselor for some amount of weeks who was not a good fit for me, and transitioned to group therapy. I can go more into detail some other time, but it has been helpful to have people I am accountable to and connect with.

This past September I was able to start antidepressants thanks to my friend who literally called in for me to make sure it would actually happen. Even still, I just started noticing that I’ve been improving and it’s taken me from August until now to feel marginally functional. Now that I say that I could slip back tomorrow but you know, that’s how it goes. Healing is NOT a linear positive function. And who is to say I won’t struggle with this for the rest of my life? It may be depressing (oh what a terrible pun) but that’s depression for ya. Some other things I started doing to help include occasional social media detoxes, writing letters, journals, or probably-extremely-bad poems, following and reading blogs from AFSP and TWLOHA, prioritizing sleep, trying to not stay in my room all day, being patient with myself, writing a list of things to live for, and practicing gratitude. The first few are pretty self-explanatory, but I found prioritizing sleep a good start to self-care. I might prioritize it a little too much sometimes lol but I need more sleep than the average person. If you’re depressed, then you probably do too. And on top of that, going outside and seeing the sun or clouds or whatever your most common weather is, is important. It forces me to try not to isolate myself and stay in my black hole of a room all day. Even on days where I don’t want to get out of bed, I somehow do because I’m apparently a pretty high-functioning person and/or my stomach makes me sometimes. That might not be the case for you but that’s okay because sometimes you just need to be patient with yourself. There are some days where leaving your bed is an accomplishment. And believe me when I say it IS an accomplishment. No one said staying alive is easy. Somehow my body maintains homeostasis minus serotonin and probably other hormones, but if you’re heart is beating, you’re alive. It might hurt to be aware of that fact, but I hope you can take it as a sign. A sign that there are things at work you can’t control, and these things are trying to tell you to stay alive. You are more than your thoughts, and your reality is more than the lies in your head. And I guess this kind of leads into reasons to be alive and gratitude. It probably sounds dumb in theory, but making a list of all the reasons to stay alive has reminded me of all the things I am so grateful to have. Personally, this list mostly involves people in my life...but hey these people are the best humans I know. Some of them have depression too and that doesn’t make them any less great. In fact, their stories give me hope which is incredibly important. Let me say that louder for the people in the back, HOPE IS IMPORTANT. Hopelessness feeds depression, and while sometimes you might be able to stumble upon something that gives you temporary hope, the real hope that sends out a life ring when you need it most has to be created. In other words you need to put in the effort to find a light that won’t fade away. But spoiler alert, that’s not easy either and I can’t tell you how or where to find that. For me, what helps is gratitude. It helps me be present in the moment, observe my surroundings, and notice that I have many things to be thankful for. Sometimes it’s the sun on a cold day, sometimes the calm snow at night, yummy food in my dorm, or small moments of seeing someone being kind to someone else. When you are grateful the small things, they really start to matter. It’s like saving pennies, it adds up. For me, seeing the seasons change can be quite beautiful, so I should stay alive to see my own seasons change too. The weather might not always be desirable, but if you look in the right direction, you might see a rainbow—or even a double rainbow all the way across the sky. So I hope you decide to stay, to live another day, and find something worth living for. For my last thought which is kind of unrelated but I still wanna put it here...You might not be like me and like simplicity and silence, but sometimes I get the most fulfilling feelings when no one is around, it’s quiet, and I just listen ;) .

[tobespecial-a]

HIYA  FOLKS  WELCOME  TO  MY  BLOG  HERE.  GONNA  KEEP  THESE  AS  SIMPLE  AS  POSSIBLE  SO  LETS  GET  TO  IT.  ---  this  blog  is  dash only  for  now  but  may  change  in  the  near  future. 

first  things  first.  i  am  a  student  in  school  monday -  friday  from  1-5pm  so  expect  some  slowness  on  my  end.  i  am  studying  to  be  a  mental  health  and  addictions  worker  &  am  really  passionate  about  the  field  i  am  in  so  i  will  be  obviously  prioritizing  school  &  also  irl  commitments  over  rp.  please  respect   this  &  we  shall  be  dandy

now  that  thats  outta  the  way.  HI  THERE  I  AM  ES  !!!! (  well  technically  its  ESTELLE,  but  you  can  call  me  either  or  i  do  not  mind  !!! )  YOUR  LOCAL  NON-BINARY  GAY (  they /  them  pls  )  who  is  in fact  straight  af for  a  certain  gay  icon  zachary  quinto  ---  i  hail from  the  pst  timezone  in  vancouver  canada.  fun  facts  about  me.  ANYWHO  ON  WITH  THE  RULES.

REPLIES

this  is  not  my  only  blog  folks,  it  will  be  one  of  my  more  active  ones,  but  it  is  not  the  only  one  i  run.  please  be  patient  in  terms  of  replies.   i  usually  try  to  stay  on  top  of  my  game  but  sometimes  i  miss  shiz.  pls  poke  me  after  2  weeks  if  you  are  wondering,  i  may  have  missed  it  !!  however  it  is  likely  in  my  drafts.  PRO  TIP  THOUGH,  i  like  each  reply  or  starter  posted  to  me,  if  i  didn’t  like  it  there  is a  95%  chance  i   did  not  see  it.  so  please  feel  free  to  remind  me  after  the  2  weeks.  

also  personals  do  not  reblog  my  threads,  ooc  posts  or  anything  thats  not  a reblogged  photoset ,  its  annoying,  just  don’t  do  it.   --  i  also  have  minor  case  of  dyslexia  so  please  be  patient  with  spelling  errors.  i  catch  most  of  them,  but  sometimes  i  don’t  get  them  all.  if  something  becomes  an  issue  please  tell  me. 

FOLLOWING  AND  UNFOLLOWING

i  am  mutuals  only.  please  keep  this  in  mind.  i  will  only  take  ooc  asks  from  non  mutuals.  if  i  am  not  at  least  following  you  (  cos  i  know  some  people  who  i  write  with  /  have  written  with   don’t  follow  everyone  cos  they  want  a  clean  dash,  but  they  still  wanna  write )  then  please  don’t  attempt  ic  interactions.  this  is  your  first  &  final  warning.  i  will ignore  attempts  &  block  if  it  persists. 

do  not  follow  &  refollow  me  repeatedly  its  also  annoying  &  will  likely  get  you  blocked.  i  take  a  while  to  follow  back  sometimes,  please  be  patient. i  rarely  unfollow  so  if  you  see  it  happen,  please  poke  me.  however  i   have  the  right  to  ignore  it,  or  not  answer.  you  have  the  invitation,  i  just  don’t  have  to  invite  you  in  if  i  chose  to  revoke  it.  

disclaimer  i  probably  will  not  follow  blogs  that  romantically  ship  peter/claire.  incest  normally  doesn’t  bother  me  enough  to  mention  it, but  this one  just  really  is  a big  nope  for  me.  sorry  in  advance.  

CHARACTERIZATION

gabriel  is  based  off  nbc  heroes  &  my  own  personal  headcanons.  at  the  point  of  writing  this  i  have  seen  the  first  &  second season,  i  am  making  my  way  through  the  rest  of  the  show  at  present.   don’t  worry  about  spoilers  though  as  i  pretty  much  know  most  of  the  major  plot  points  for  gabriel  during  the  series,  just  not  all  the  specifics.  ---  threads  will  generally  take  place  in  aus  &  content  i  have  seen  however,  until  i  have  caught  up.  though  idk  how  big  the  fandom  is  so  i  sense  a  lot  of  aus  my  way  any  ways  lol

***  REGARDING  HEROES  REBORN

i  have  no  plans  to  watch  it.  sylar  isn’t  even  in   the  show  so  its  really  just  not  required  of  me  to  view  it.  any  plot  lines  transpired  in  that  canon  will  never  be  seen  in  any way  on  my  blog.   sylar  reforms  himself  post  series  &  just  goes  on  from  there.  when  i  officially  make  it  through  the  whole  show  i  will  write  proper  headcanons  on  that.  

ACTIVITY 

because  of  school  &  other  blogs  i  won’t  always  be  around.  however  i  can  always   be  reached  by  mobile  if  you  need  anything,  just  hmu.  thank  you  for  your  patience  in  this  regard.  also  fair  warning  i  do  have ADD  a  low grade  form  of  ADHD  so  i  get  a  lot  of  the  fun  extras  that  come  with  it.  please  respect  there  are  times  i  may  need  to  step  back  or  times  when  i  become  disassociated ,  its  been  happening  a lot  lately  so  i  wanted  to  inform  people  so    they  don’t think  i  am  ignoring  them.  i  promise  its  not  you,  its  me,  i  just  need  space.  FOR  THE  MOST  PART,  i  am  usually  always  around  to  answer  ims  &  messages  so  do  not  be  afraid  to  message  me  or  anything.  

SHIPPING 

ah  yes  everyones  fave  category.  if  anyone  has  questions  you  can  always  im  me  or  hu  my  ask  box  for  more  deets.   GABRIEL  IS  PANSEXUAL   BORDERLINE  GRAY  ROMANTIC  (  hes  between  demi  &  gray  )     

imma  start  off  by  saying  that   i  ship  syelle  as  well  as  petlar.  a  note      about  the  later, from  what  i  have read  &  seen  i  will  only  really  ship  them ( petlar )  during / post  the  wall,  which  at  the  time  of  writing  this  i  still  need  to  view.  i  would  be  open  to  pre  show  aus  to  start  at  this  point. 

anything  else  is  fair  game  at  this  point, just  be aware  sylar  isn’t  looking  for  anything  serious  really  during  heroes  canon.  plus  hes  not  exactly  a  nice  guy  so  like  be  warned  there.    ----  honest  to  god  if  your  interested  in  shipping  with  sylar  or  gabriel  (  yes  there  is  a  difference  )  pls  come  @  me.  the worst  i  can  do  is  say  no.  

i  will  also state   i  don’t  ship  sylaire  because  well…. shes  underage  ???? &  before  you  leap  down  my  throat  about  heroes  reborn,  most  of  the content i  have  seen  is  her  being  underage. but  i’m  not  gonna  accuse  anyone  of aging  anyone  up  for  a  ship,  cos  there  is  canon  where  she  is older.   i  am just  not  interested.  don’t  see  the  appeal,  i’ve  read  way  too much meta  &   just  don’t  see  it.  

it  is  also  worth  noting  that  post  3x01 the  second  coming,  sylar  can  no  longer  die.  he  is  immortal.  save  for  one  weak  spot  which  he  aint  about  to  tell  anyone  where  it  is. 

finally ummmm  i’m  22  guys  so  no  lying  about  your  age  to  smut  with  me.  i  will  block  your  ass  if  you  do.  don’t  make  me  be  the  bad  guy. 

GODMODDING

pls  do  not  god  mod  my  muse.  you  wanna  write  him  ??  make  a  blog  of  your  own,  or  go  write  some  fic.  i  play  three  strikes.  first  time  is  a  reminder,  second  time  is  a thread  drop  third  time  is  a  partner  all  together  drop.  THESE  CAN  BE  EXERCISED  AT  MY  DISCRETION  HOWEVER 

also  i  think  its  worth  mentioning  cos  some  might  see  this  as  potential  godmodding.  sylar  is  not  a  nice  guy,  hes  a  type  of  serial  killer.  he  will  kill  you  if  it  benefits  him,  or  if  you  piss  him  off  enough.  hes not  above doing  it  just  to  prove  a  point.  he  will  hurt  you  if  you  make angry,  might  not  kill  you  but  he  can  hurt  you  if  you  anger  him.  so  if  your  muse  riles  him  up  enough ??  just  be  prepared  for  potential  violence,  that  might  follow.  ---  i  will  not  exercise  my  muses  strength  cos  you  think  its  funny  to have  yours  poke  the  hive.  --  if  you  don’t  like  this,  please  don’t  attempt  to  write  with  me.  my  muse  is  a  villian  for  most  of  the  show  &  i  won’t  be  watering  him  down  for  you.  

OOC  VS.  IC  KNOWLEDGE

at  the  point  i  am  in  the  show,  the  only  people  who  know  what  sylar  looks  like  are  the  people  that  have  seen  him,  furthermore  only  those  who  have  heard  the  name  know  he  is  even  a  thing.  so  its  safe  to  say  a  lot  of  normal   savillians  don’t  know  him.  HELL  a  lot  of  the  heroes  don’t  know  him  either.  ---  keep  this  in  mind  when  interacting.  if  your  character  has  special  abilities  to  know  who  he  is,  thats  different,  but  don’t  just  assume  you  know  who  he  is  or  what  he  does.  

FURTHERMORE  TO  GO  OFF  A  TANGENT  i  am  not  gonna  be  too  keen  to  see  a  bunch  of  starters  of  people  begging  for  their  lives.  gabriel  is  a  hell  of  a  lot  more  then  just  a  random  serial  killer.  he  is  a  complex  character  who  has  feelings  &  issues  of  his  own.  hes  not  going  to  kill  just  anyone  for  the  sake  of  it.  please  bare  this  in  mind.  i  will  likely  not  reply  to  those  kind  of  random  interactions.  ---  by  all  means  if  you  wanna  plot  something  like  that  i  am  game  for  it,  but  please  give  me  the  heads  up.  i  will  not  reduce  my  muse  to  a  stereotype  killer,  cause  hes  not  & thats  the  tea.  he  only  kills  when  it  benefits  him,  its  not  a  sport  for  the  hell  of  it.  

TRIGGERING  CONTENT

given  the  nature  of  my  muse  there  will  be  some  triggering  themes  on  this  blog.  such  as  murder,  gore,  suicide, manipulation.  if  anyone  is  bothered  by  this,  please  blacklist  accordingly.  i tag  “  insert  trigger “ tw.  i  will  not  be  posting  heavy  gore  on  this  blog  in  visuals  at  least  &  i  ask  you  tag   it  if  you  post  it.  i’m  fine  with  a  bit  of  blood,  but  too  much  makes  me  a   little  ill.  writing  is  fine,  anything  like  a  photoset  with  heavy  gore  needs  to  be  tagged  for  me,  &  i  myself  will  not  be  posting  such  content.

MAINS  &  EXCLUSIVES

i  will  only  be  doing  exclusives  for  ships  &  crossover  fandoms  at  this  time.  if  you  are  interested  in  being  mains  lemme  know.  i  do  however  require  previous  interaction  ic  or  occ,  preferably  both.  if  you  wanna  be  exclusive  i  ask  you  return  the  favour  otherwise  i  drop  the  exclusivity.  

AND  I  THINK  THATS  ABOUT  IT  !!  I  PROMISE  I  AM  LESS  SCARY  THEN  THESE  RULES  MAKE  ME  SEEM,  I  AM  GIANT  NERD  WHO  IS  HELLA  FRIENDLY  &   LIKES  TO  GUSH ABOUT  HER  FAVES  ALWAYS !!  MUTUALS  MAY  ASK  FOR  DISCORD  IF  THEY  WISH  TO  TALK  THERE

NOW  HURRY  UP  &  ATTACK  MY  INBOX  OR  IMS  OR  LIKE  A  STARTER  CALL  LETS  WRITE  !! 

[lying-little-legend-blog]

hi.. this isn't PLL related but i really need to vent and it's killing me bc i literally feel like i have no one. i legit have no friends and no one to talk to irl. i just feel so alone and i'm not happy with my life. i never go out, i have no social life, no one seems to care enough to reach out and all the "friends" i had never talked to me unless i would be the first to approach and once i stopped, everyone seem to forget all about me. anyways, idk why i'm randomly venting.. i'm sorry

i feel so sad and upset bc i genuinely don't feel like there's anyone out there that i can express myself to.. you know when you have that one person you can tell anything to? i just really want that. i just want ONE friend, one friend that i can talk to and hang out with and i wanna look forward to something in life.. all i do is work or stay one, i have no social life what so ever and again, im sorry for randomly venting i'm just so overwhelmed right nowYou don't have to apologize! Please, whenever you need to express your feelings or reach out to vent, feel free to come here and send me a message!I wish there was something that I could do to make things better for you and anyone facing a similar conflict. I know all too well what it feels like to be in that position (I'm homeschooled!) and can definitely relate the struggle of feeling isolated. Now more than ever, with my classes starting, stress settling in, and the after-effect of a hurricane (cleanup, regaining control, etc.) -- I have been in a VERY rough spot as of late.Obviously I don't know you personally, but if I can offer any advice at all it is that things WILL get better. I can't make any promises but I can send you my best wishes and offer you support. I'm a Christian, so I often seek comfort in the reassurance of a strong, personal relationship to God. But refraining from a topic on religion (I'm not trying to preach to you or anyone about what to feel/believe) I would strongly suggest that you continue channeling these feelings that you are experiencing.Finding good friends is truly a hard thing to do. If I were you, I wouldn't really focus too much on process of working towards forging relationships with other people. If anything, work towards the prioritization of YOU. Be open, be honest, and let yourself grow confidence in solitude. Again, I can't make any promises, but I can tell you that positive things usually come from following the cliche lemons-to-lemonade mentality! Regardless of all of that, know you have a friend in me. I'll be here if you ever want to talk!