#but i never really thought about any bottom dysphoria

[faggling]

I've been packing for two days straight and the fucking euphoria is nuts

[throwawayhero]

hii!! could u please do headcannons for katsuki in a relationship with a trans man reader?? Tysm!!

Of course lovely! And thank you so much for sending in a request! Please feel free to correct any mistakes that I make, but I'll try my best! I wasn't exactly sure how to make the hc's specifically relationship orientated, so it's sort of a thin line sorry! c/w; afab, lgbtqia+, course language, menstruation, no quirks mentioned

He honestly had no clue you were trans when the two of you met for the first time. He had no reason to. And tbh, he didn't give a fuck when you told him. He sort of just.. shrugged and moved on? Nothing more, nothing less. But if you weren't already out when you met him and you realised how you truly felt a bit into the friendship.. he still didn't give a fuck! He accepted you, obviously, and he 'encouraged' you, in his own way, to test things out.

"Okay? Fuck does that have to do with me?"

He especially liked helping you pick out clothes. When asked to go with you to go clothes shopping, he would complain and tell you to get someone else to go with you.. but he would still grab his keys and rush you out the door (: (That's why your style is majorly inspired by his.)

When you told him what your new name was, he immediately said that it was better than your other "shitty ass" name. He also changed your contact name as soon as he could.

When you got your first masc hair cut you didn't tell him beforehand, so when you bumped into him and surprised him with it he stared at it for a good minute with a frown before saying that it looked better than the "rats nest" you had before. Bonus points if you did any form of bleaching and/or dyeing it, he says it makes you look less boring.

"At least now you look like you actually have a personality."

If he catches someone calling/referring to you by your deadname, whether it was intentional or not, he's onto their ass IMMEDIATLEY and he is NOT polite about it. He will sass them tf up.

"Who's that? Oh, you mean ****, right?" "Come again?" / "Excuse you?" / "Pardon?"

Kinda had no idea what binders were before you told him what they were used for. Insisted you got ones with cool designs and called you boring for getting solid colour ones only.

Genuinely became so much more involved with the LGBTQIA+ community because of you. His first Mardi Gras was a night he will literally never forget, for both good and bad reasons. If you dare MENTION a feather boa, he'll start having flashbacks.

He doesn't put that much thought into his sexuality. He's just the type of person to not gaf, yk? Call him what you want, he wasn't gonna sit there and confirm or deny. He just knew that he had been attracted to girls and guys his whole life, regardless of the extra stuff.

When you got your period for the first time around him he was pretty neutral about it. When you mentioned the dysphoria it gave you he did try his best to console you, but it just ended up making you laugh. He really did try to keep you distracted, even if he struggled exponentially. He let you use his Netflix to watch a movie/TV show while you hung out. ACTUALLY understood that cramps hurt like a bitch and gave you pain relief and snacks.

"Jeans cannot be comfortable for you right now, ya masochist."

Went with you to every T-shot appointment. He wasn't obvious about it but he always made sure that his hand was there for you to hold if you got paranoid about the needle hurting. Noticed the effects quicker than everyone else and claimed that he "won" at being the most supportive.

"You guys suck at this."

He helped you save up for top & bottom surgery and surprised you with the rest of the money you needed on a random Tuesday night. He'd never admit it but he "almost" teared up at the sight of how happy you were that night. And you'll pretend like you never saw the tear roll down his cheek.

[the-laughing-lunatic]

headcannons for spy, medic, scout, and sniper, with a transmasc S/O?

(Hell yea man, trans guy myself so this is right up my alley B) Thx for requesting! :D)

Spy, Medic, Scout and Sniper w/ a trans masc S/O!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── 

☆Spy☆

He took up drag both femme + masc in his younger years to help his disguises, so he’ll help you look more masculine 

“Mon chéri, you really must stop using gauze to bind, it is not doing your chest or yourself any favors. If you don’t have a proper binder you can use pantyhose, you know.”

He’d take you to help you get a tailored suit and put on a tie if you were never taught as a child

When you get the horrors (dysphoria and or period ) he’ll stay with you to help you in his smoking room

“Darling, will you please stop grabbing my knife so you’ll respawn without your period? It’s not gonna work, you’ve tried it before.”

“Ugh, fine. …can I pretty please get a kiss then?”

“...You’re not getting the cyanide in my teeth either.”

“Come on!”

☆Medic☆

He’s pretty well versed in this kind of thing, as an ex-doctor who isn’t bound by the law at all he’s definitely performed gender-affirming surgeries in secret in the past (for the price of a few unnecessary organs or course)

He’d offer to do your top + bottom surgery for the boyfriend discount of not stealing any of your body parts

He’s completely fine if you don’t want that though 

“It doesn’t matter what you have in your pants, schatz, what matters is that you have a man’s heart.”

“Aw, Ludwig—”

“And a man's kidney, lungs, ohoho! And an especially manly appendix.”

(it’s medic he’s gonna be a little silly)

The second you mention you’re on your period he immediately gets so much stuff for you, painkillers, a hot water bottle, blankets and snacks for you

Will pamper the hell out of you

If you’re getting hit with dysphoria he’ll reassure you

“I just- I just don’t feel like a man right now.”

“You? Not a man? Nonsense! If you weren’t a man, I wouldn’t be dating you, now would I?”

“I know, but-”

“But nothing, you are sehr männlich, and my mein Freund, those silly thoughts won’t change that.”

☆Scout☆

You’re gonna need to help him out a little bit

“So like– you’re a guy right? But you got a girl’s body or whatever, so is this gay or not?”

“It’s gay, Jeremy.”

“Okay, okay, just double-checkin’.”

If you’re on your period he tries to help in the main way he does with you: cuddles

He’d wrap his arms around your waist from behind and hold you and the hot water bottle pressed to your stomach close to him

Kisses your neck and just rambles about how handsome you are

“You’re a real hot guy, y’know that, prince? Jus’ makes you even stronger that you go through all this shit.”

“Shut up.”

“You picked the wrong guy to date if you wanted someone who could shut up, hotcakes. You’re stayin’ here and hearing about how handsome you are for a while.”

☆Sniper☆

Bro does not give a shit imma be real

“Mate, I couldn’t care less whether or not you’re a gal, a bloke, or a bloody alien. You’re sweet, and ya make me smile.”

Def relates to you with not fitting in with the other kids in childhood

If you’ve had top surgery y’all are chest scar bfs

When you get dysphoric he’ll get you two to do stuff to distract you

[quick, instantaneous, sudden] camping trips, hunting, hiking, or even trying to shoot at the blu base for funsies

Can’t be dysphoric when you’re running for your life, right?

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

This is kind of a personal ramble but…

In my last semester of high school I had already gotten accepted into college, took no difficult classes, and had the freedom to take 2 art classes in which I was the only person in “art 3” a class that happened in the same room at the same time as art 2. I was basically free to do whatever I wanted.

That semester I decided to make a scale model of Summoner’s Rift, the map from league of legends. I worked really hard on it and was proud of how close I got it. But it was too big to be displayed anywhere and too fragile to be hung on a wall or anything. So I left it at my parents house when I went off for college, where it collected dust.

This year I went back to their house to stay for the holidays, and my mom wanted me to clean out my room. Along with many other things she asked if she could throw it away.

The map became outdated less than a year after I made it, when they added alcoves to the top and bottom lanes. Later years made even bigger changes making it even more outdated. The map is made of salt dough on a piece of cardboard, with the towers being made of hot glue gun sticks I cut and carved that hold wire staves. Everything is painted with cheap low-budget high school art class acrylic paint. I never had time to make a little model of Baron Nashor, the dragons, the shopkeepers, or any of the jungle camps. It just looks barren, empty, and lonely.

The map is covered in dust. It has no function (despite my idea at the time of making it that I could model jungle pathing on it). It doesn’t look pretty. It takes up space. It’s hard to display. It’s hard to appreciate. Objectively speaking it is a piece of junk that is wasting space in my parents’ house. And despite being addicted since 2015, I haven’t even played league in a year.

But it’s something I made. Something I worked hard on. Something I burned my fingers with a hot glue gun far too many times to be seen as junk to me. It’s useless, kind of ugly, takes up space, and yet I can’t bare the thought of throwing it away.

As an art piece it has no meaning, no emotions to invoke when you look at it. It’s some high school kid’s creation of the thing she saw in the game she loved. To anyone but me it is a piece of junk, even if you know what it’s from you have no reason to care. But when I look at it I see all the little details. All the extra touches, all the mistakes I didn’t have time to fix, and all the ways time has aged it poorly.

It would’ve crushed that kid’s heart to see something she worked so hard on destroyed. Did she not already suffer enough from the dysphoria, from the way her friend groups fell apart, the way she got burnt out from trying hard in school, the way everything in her life felt like it was falling apart and the things she enjoyed stopped being fun. She already went through so much, she was so strong and she’s the only reason I’m alive now. So I can’t do it, I can’t destroy it. I took dozens of pictures from as many angles as I could to preserve it as best I can. But it doesn’t feel like enough.

I am her, but I don’t care about it for me, I care about it for her. But she’s not here, she’s gone. Nothing I do now can affect her in my memories. So why do I care?

[squiddy-god]

Task force T4T

Jhonny "soap" McTavish

Ok so apparently this needs to be a series (: anyway some people are really weird about trans!Soap and really fetishize it. So I would like to re-state that I AM A TRANS MAN. Also if you fetishize trans!Soap or any other trans people you are weird and I wish you the worst <3 also this is meant for trans men specifically, I don't care who interacts but keep in mind this is for trans men. I will probably make a x transfem version! 

Tw : dysphoria, nsfw under cut, tooth rotting fluff, transphobia, t4t, mlm, trans soap x trans masc reader, periods, pre bottom surgery implied, period sex. 

God gives the fattest tits to his most trans masc of soldiers 

Soap has recently gotten top surgery and he loves it 

His scars aren't very noticeable but he really doesn't care, he's just glad to have them gone. 

Soap still wears his binders sometimes tho they don't really bind any more for him it's more to feel connected to that part of himself

Soap isn't concerned about passing as Cis, he's very proud that he's trans 

Has a Scottish🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 flag over his right peck and has a slightly smaller trans flag over his ribs on the left side 

It's on his ribs so he has a excuse to show off his abbs smh

A lot like ghost there are so many ways that you could meet but I'll give you a few that I really like

One is the basics, he saw you at the bar across the way, drinking or not, your hanging out with friends having a grand time and soap is just smitten

He's confident and he'll be damned if he lets such a handsome man pass him by. So he walks up and asks to buy you a drink, “can a buy ye’ a drink” you assumed that the handsome Scott was asking one of your friends till he looked right at you, beaming blue eyes locked in and laser focused “cannae let a braw man like yer’self get away” 

Johnny comes on strong and playful, just enough to make you laugh and let him buy you a pint while he sweet talks you. 

He honestly hadn't noticed your pride pin but once he does he's all smiley and pulling up his shirt to show his tattoo 

Alright number two is your his neighbor! He's not home super often but he's always really nice when he is home, and he won't like he has a bit of a puppy crush on you, talk a bunch about his handsome neighbor. Well one day he's on medical leave for a while, almost blew himself up on a mission and has a bit of nerve damage that needs to heal up. You saw him come home early in the morning when you're leaving for work and decided to do something nice! Made him some bloody good cookies 

The second he opened his door you see you, his good looking neighbor with a batch of cookies in hand he thought he'd died and gone to heaven. 

Meanwhile he was in his binder and a pair of shorts

 You knock on the door, a bit on the nervous side considering this would be the first real time you've talked to your neighbor outside of a few polite conversations checking the mail. Yet here you are with fresh cookies in your plastic tupperware container. True be told it didn't take Johnny long to Answer, undoing the latch and opening the door wide to be met with you, the guy he'd been (not so) subtly pinning after. Johnny was casual, mohawk cropped a bit lower than normal since he'd only just gotten back, and his chest covered by an ever so slightly loose fitting binder. It was plain black, coming just down his ribs almost like a crop top and showing off the hair of his stomach just below his navel. 

Soap is a hairy guy, the T really does wonders for his hair, he's also been on T for a while 

Has never liked needles and prefers to use gel or patches if he can help it. 

He also eats a diet with a lot of trace testosterone in it and that helps 

Thighs like a fur carpet smh 

He owns a few binders, a plain black one, a black tank top binder that looks more like a compression shirt, and of course, his favorite Scottish flag binder. He also has custom binders that match the tartans of the kilts he has. 

Absolutely has gotten into a bar fight with a transphobe and it will absolutely happen again. 

All of his sisters were definitely his biggest supporters growing up. 

“What're yer pronouns so I ken how to cuss ye out” type behavior 

The two of you have matching silly binders with fun patterns on them 

Soap is an irregular period haver, that shit has a schedule no man could figure out. He tries to track it, but it just happens whenever it wants and feels like it. 

Has had two periods in a month. 

Luckily they tend to be short. Unluckily they are heavy. Not really painful but just heavy. 

Gets super exhausted during his period. 

Military grade pain killers hit different 

Loves hand rubs because he has a bit of nerve damage after being a demolition expert for so long

He also has a significant amount of hearing loss on his left side so he always turns right when you're talking so he can hear better. 

Works out at the gym because he doesn't give a flying fuck. Definitely likes to be at home to work out tho because he can do pushups where your under him and he gets a lil kiss when he comes down. Sit ups get kisses too<3 

Had a transphobic bully in highschool and basically dedicated his free time to the gym. By the end of the second year he absolutely clocked the guy.

No one messed with him since. 

Soap who loves to draw you, has a notebook basically dedicated to you and every single way he could draw you (wink wonk)

Likes when you ruffle his mohawk 

Likes it more when it's after you squeeze his arms

He's a show off 💪:3💪

Soap deals with his dysphoria pretty well for the most part, although when he is dysphoric he works out a lot- and he seeks out your comfort. 

Those silly pairs of boxers make him less dysphoric, they make him feel more like the teenage boy he never really saw himself as. Has a pair that say choking hazard and he wiggles his eye brows every time he puts them on 

Literally one of the best hype men when your dysphoric he talks you up with the same energy of a frat boy psyching up his best pall

Gets oddly possessive when you wear his boxers (please do he loves it) like yeah that's right, that his man 

Nsfw//

Going off of the boxers thing it also makes his really horny 

Soap gets hard pretty easy tho, and the more comfortable he is with you the higher his sex drive. 

Absolutely worships you, especially when you're dysphoric, he loves nothing more than haveing you ride his thigh while he calls you his handsome man, his good boy. 

Soap loves to fuck you, soap “always strapped up” mactavish 

But he also likes period sex, he's kinda nasty, likes when it's messy regardless but period sex is extra messy. 

Absolutely finger blasts you till the towel looks like a war zone 💀 

Really likes to be fucked on his period too, he Letts you have a bit more control then normal but don't be fooled he's a power bottom at best. 

Likes to put his finger in your mouth and really loves when you bite em a little 

Soap dose not care about hair, he is pretty hairy himself although he is well groomed, but he honestly doesn't care. 

Will absolutely man handle you regardless of size, soap is a big man and he trains hard for those 💪💪

Really goes wild with the dirty talk

“Cannae even take my fingers? How'er ye supposed to take mah cock ey?”

The accent definitely gets thicker the more horny he gets 

Loves when you give his T-dick head because he also is shoving his fingers down your throat for the effect™

[the-way-astray]

if you were the author of kotlc, what would be different? (besides keefe)

i'm so sorry this is so late, anon, but every time i feel like i'm done and up to posting i feel the urge to add something else. here's a (long) list:

representation/diversity stuff

it would be completely normal to be queer in the lost cities. you tell the matchmakers what your sexuality is and if you don't know then they just assume you're pan and are cool with any gender. also, they don’t care if you’re trans and there are plenty of elixirs (temporary and permanent) to help with transitions and dysphoria. the elves are still scared of blood and sharp things though, so instead of top/bottom surgery, there’s permanent elixirs that can change . . . what you’ve got down there. recovery time is also zero

fitz and dex becomes canon. but don't you ship keefitz- yes, sir, i do indeed. but the sad truth (for me) is that fidex is more suitable for canon and keefitz is more of a fanon daydream. it brings both fitz's arc about learning the world isn't perfect and dex's arc about not judging vackers just for being vackers to a satisfying close

stina is non-binary and goes by they/them

sophie is a (straight) trans girl, mostly because it would be funny as hell. alden and fitz spend twelve years looking for a boy, but sophie’s on puberty blockers and goes by sophie, so they miss her completely. forkle has to send alden the article on sophie three times before alden realizes the “boy” they’ve been searching for might be a girl. sophie’s transness was the best defense against being found by the neverseen all along. sophie’s also alienated by her senior class’s transphobic thoughts towards her. when she goes to the lost cities, they treat it like it’s completely normal and della gives her a gender-affirming elixir with her birth fund. this is never brought up again and is completely irrelevant to the rest of the story

talked about this a tiny bit in my keefe rant but the sexism in the supposedly un-sexist world really grates on me. i would take it all out. sophie wouldn't be forced into wearing girly clothes all the time, either by herself or by anyone else. women frequently do/wear "masculine" things and vice versa. oh, and alden wears a dress at one point. also, foxfire uniforms are unisex. definitely no weird sexist comments made by keefe or anyone else. the lost cities are truly and really gender-equal

alden and della are t4t

the women aren't all housewives that get like one over-the-top girlboss-y moment because shannon realized she was being unintentionally sexist

female characters are allowed to be angry instead of sad more and are allowed to yell instead of cry more

della is a more prominent character. edaline is a more prominent character. juline is a more prominent character

cut down on poc stereotypes (like quinlin and livvy's crumbling marriage, prentice being in jail for his son's entire teenagehood, tiger parent songs, comparing tam and linh to both k-pop idols and anime . . . )

the main vacker family are all poc

the main heks family are all poc

bronte is a poc

tiergan is a poc

the elves have normal-colored eyes and the thing that makes sophie different visually is that she's the only elf not to have pointed ears (and i would erase the whole “elves only get pointy ears as they age” thing). all the poc have brown eyes, including the vackers (i'm so sorry, fitz). sophie tries to cover her non-pointed ears with her hair as a sign of insecurity, which could be related to the way she used to hide behind her hair in her high school senior class

the poc don’t all have dyed hair (tam, linh, maruca) and are allowed to keep their natural hair color

despite the lost cities’ progressiveness when it comes to gender and sexuality, polyamory is not socially acceptable because it is considered “imperfect”. sophie learns about this and campaigns against it

there's two polyam relationships: alden, della, grady, and edaline, and tiergan, prentice and cyrah

vacker stuff

alden and della's trust issues and generally fucked up relationship are explored (but minus the forced gender roles because i took out the sexism)

alvar is closer emotionally to sophie (kind of like alden), making his betrayal feel less cheap

the pressure for vackers to be perfect in every way is explored more

fitz is not demonized just because he and sophie didn’t work out

fitz and biana are twins, actually. alden and della just hid it really, really well

alvar knew that fitz and biana were twins and tried to use this as blackmail to get them to join the neverseen because he genuinely loved his little siblings and hated betraying them (his gripes were with his parents and the immense pressure put on him because he was a vacker). when they refuse, he makes good on his threat, leading to actual repercussions that affect the story (alden and della are kicked out of the nobility)

brant is a vacker and that's why his name is redacted (could still happen) and alden and della know his parents

tiergan and alden used to be best friends canon for real for real (could still happen, i guess)

biana's scars arc is given the time it needs to feel like a full arc and not a half-baked two-scene wonder. also she has scars on her face, too

fitz actually kills alvar (could still happen, i suppose)

biana's feelings with regards to alvar are explored more

keefe and alvar lore is expanded upon

ruewen/dizznee stuff

more stories of jolie. we don't really get to know her for her. maybe from brant, or grady and edaline, or someone. stories of mundane things, like her worst subject and her hobbies and her ex-friends and her conjuring classes and what she got her friends for midterms and how she got in trouble and grady and edaline's parties and how she picked a fight with anyone that put brant down

grady and edaline's parties are talked about more when people bring up how different they used to be

the fact that jolie died in an everblaze fire is actually acknowledged

the ruewens are just as prominent a family as the vackers because on the original council, just like fallon vacker was a member, there was also a ruewen

ruewen is juline and edaline's name, which is why grady took edaline's and also why juline took kesler's because that is a sign that she's literally forsaking her incredibly prominent noble family for a life of scorn. it's also why edaline and grady hoped jolie and brant would end up together (because a vacker and a ruewen together is like. the ultimate noble couple)

juline's struggles with adjusting to a life of scorn are acknowledged because it couldn't have been easy to be the top of the top falling all the way to the bottom of the hierarchy. she beats herself up about this, too, thinking it means she doesn't actually love kesler. he reassures her that he understands but she still feels guilty

the triplets act like actual twelve-year-olds instead of six

dex's family is more relevant, as the primary bad match couple and an example of the lost cities’ injustices (the main point of the story)

the lost cities inequalities/other worldbuilding stuff

sophie campaigns for rights for pyrokinetics, shades, talentless people, twins, bad matches, polyamorous people like the moonlark she's supposed to be and the entire point of the story isn't forgotten

the fact that councillors are the only ones allowed to elect and impeach other councillors is called out and fixed (could still happen, i guess)

the elvin justice system is fixed (vackers are not let off easier just because they're vackers, the council's say isn't what decides a person's fate) (could still happen, maybe)

exile is made out to be the horrendous prison it is and in the end, is banned. sophie heals the minds of everyone with a broken mind in the end (i honestly don't think shannon's going to do this. but hey. she might)

controversial: the elves' relative beauty is emphasized more. i think it should be immediately obvious to humans that something's off when an elf is around. they look too beautiful, almost ethereal, and it makes humans uneasy, but they can't quite put a finger on why that is. this is also why sophie had no friends and even her family felt strange around her. that scene in nightfall where the girls are staring at tam and fitz? well actually, they’re trying their hardest to avoid the group. humans are fleeing left and right at the sign of the group, but they can’t really put a finger on why they feel so off

shades are not allowed to take the elite levels. the ability isn't banned or anything, but they are barred from the elite levels anyway. sophie and co call this out

vanishing and flashing is one ability. hydrokinetic and cyrokinetic is one ability. mesmering and beguiling is one ability. empathy and inflicting is one ability. also there's an earth ability and it's not just given to the dwarves because man, that's cheap

the dwarves and gnomes are one species that can control plants and are really good with minerals. they are still in charge of exile, though, because plants roots can go that far deep or something. this means there are no gnomish slaves servants

there is confirmed to be a third school where you go if you aren't a noble and also not a criminal

the segregation that happens between the classes with regards to mysterium and atlantis is acknowledged

other types of couples are explored, such as talentless-talentless matched couples and talented-talented bad matches. nuance is acknowledged

that rule about councillors not being allowed to be married is challenged. i don't care whether it actually gets revoked or not, but i want it to be challenged (could still happen, i suppose)

if it does get revoked, councillor fitz! (could still happen, maybe)

at the end of the series, a multispecial council with two representatives from each species is formed with the goal of promoting equality among all species. this is different from the actual rulers of each species (could still happen)

talentless people are allowed to serve in the nobility at the end (probably will happen, would be weird if shannon didn't do that. but just saying in case)

controversial: cognates are erased. i don't like the concept of cognates very much. i find it makes telepathy too overpowered compared to other abilities. i'm so sorry, keepblr

the council are called out publicly for their unfair treatment of talentless people, pyrokinetics, shades, twins, bad matches, and polyamorous relationships by the neverseen. this leads to the sophie and the black swan being conflicted

black swan/neverseen stuff

gethen is kenric and oralie’s secret child. this gives gethen an interesting motive, makes us question kenric and oralie, characters we are supposed to like, makes sophie have to grapple with the fact that her half-brother by blood is a neverseen member, and gives oralie an internal conflict

glimmer is keefe's twin sister and lady gisela's daughter, explaining why she's so loyal and how she ended up with the neverseen (she was kicked out by cassius, who didn't want the shame of twins). keefe is forced to grapple with this

. . . or maybe glimmer just. wouldn't exist. i don't know

brant, vespera, umber, and possibly alvar wouldn't have died such anti-climatic deaths

vespera and biana face-off. brant and edaline face-off. umber gets a proper backstory (which still might happen). umber and trix are a bad match (which still might happen)

cut the keefe’s legacy plotline. fintan stays the main villain the entire series instead of randomly being hijacked by gisela halfway through

cut the forkle twin reveal

cut the trolls and everglen plotline. fitz kills alvar a different way

cut the timeline to extinction plotline and silveny/greyfell. i'm sorry, but it adds nothing to the overall story besides "the neverseen are evil and want to control the council"

cut the lodestar symbol plotline. it was interesting, but took too much page time for a plotline that effectively ended up changing nothing about the overall story

cut the criterion plotline. it's never brought up again anyway and takes too much time for something that goes nowhere

cut the gnomish plague plotline. it didn't have much of an impact on the overall plot. all it proves is "the neverseen are evil", which is kind of the point of the story. also dimitar's project is never brought up again

cut team valiant. it never should've happened

cut the lodestar initiative plotline. It’s too vague and hasn’t affected anything important to the overall story in a while

cut the boy who disappeared plotline. it added nothing except "alvar is evil". also, don’t have fintan purposefully spill the beans about alvar. the black swan find out he's part of the neverseen a different way

cut the unmatchable sophie plotline. instead have the elves do matchmaking by dna. the point of this plotline is to show why matchmaking is unfair, but the system targets talentless people and pyrokinetics more than anyone else, so it feels forced to try to have sophie be a victim of it. sophie has a (non-pyrokinetic) ability, so she can’t be oppressed by the matchmaking system. sophie isn't affected by the matchmaking system in the way that it's supposed to target its victims, so the plotline fails to showcase the real reason matchmaking is unfair

instead, have the black swan and sophie actually listen to the povs of characters who are directly affected by matchmaking and fix it

marella's dad pushed marella's mom off the balcony (he’s not trix, though) (could still happen, i suppose)

fintan ends up being sophie's biological father (could still happen. pretty likely actually. but just in case)

the black swan are actually competent and don't throw away the entire point of their organization by working with the council

the black swan actually fight for change instead of hiding in the shadows

sophie realizes that forkle sucks over the course of the series and never talks to him again after the end

fintan is confirmed to have long hair and a flat ass from the start

fintan and vespera are confirmed to be childhood friends and fintan is confirmed to be the councillor that threw her in the dungeon. this means that there is tension between them when fintan breaks vespera out

the black swan learn about this and sophie comes up with a plan to divide and conquer by taking advantage of this rift and worsening it. this gives sophie a chance to actually use her brain to fight the neverseen instead of her abilities. the black swan hatch a plan to subtly worsen fintan and vespera's relationship: through the use of a double agent, keefe

this leads to the keefe double agent storyline, where keefe learns to listen to other people and consult them on his plans, and actually works toward a very specific goal (try to split the neverseen into two neverseens: fintan’s neverseen and vespera’s neverseen by subtly turning them against each other). the plan actually ends up working, but there are serious repercussions that actually affect the story (in the process, keefe is slightly indoctrinated by the neverseen and starts to sympathize with them and even bonds with fintan a little bit, which alarms sophie and co)

the neverseen actually act like a found family (with the exception of fintan and vespera)

the collective hire people to throw the council off their scent

bronte and fintan are confirmed to have had a thing that didn't work out

fintan is thrown in jail by a heartbroken bronte at the end of the story

after fintan’s captured, he still trains marella in pyrokinesis

livvy opens up a medical school

instead of dying, vespera is locked up again. this is her worst fear, and a fate worse than death for her

the neverseen are not a large group, like shannon implies. it's no more then twenty people. this actually makes them more terrifying than not, because if such a small group can cause such large scale damage, then that is alarming and the council looks extra incompetent

writing stuff

multiple perspectives. but not evenly. like 80% of the story would still be sophie's pov, but here and there there are chapters sprinkled in from other characters' perspectives as a break

a few chapters from the adults' povs that go into stuff they got up to before the series

a few chapters from the neverseen members’ povs

a few chapters from sophie and co's povs

the love triangle takes a backseat to the actual plot

keefe and fitz actually act like best friends

the cast is cut down significantly to just sophie, fitz, keefe, biana, dex, marella, stina, and wylie (i’m so sorry tam, linh, maruca, and jensi). there are just too many characters. instead of tam and linh being from exillium, have marella manifest earlier and get kicked out to exillium, highlighting the injustice against pyrokinetics through someone in sophie’s own friend group and making the injustice much more jarring and in-your-face. sophie, biana, fitz, dex, and keefe go to exillium later as well and meet marella there

stina's arc would not have been undone. instead, there would be a conversation between her and dex about how stina apologizes for bullying him and we learn that the reason she did that was to deflect attention off of herself and her own parents' shaky match status by pretending she was better than dex, a "real" bad match's child (the book would be multiple povs, so this would be possible)

dex and sophie never kiss and remain purely platonic friends for the entire series. erase dex's crush on sophie entirely. because we need a single purely platonic male-female relationship goddammit

sophie ends up single, but takes away something from both her relationship with keefe and her relationship with fitz

prentice and sophie's first conversation after prentice wakes up is actually meaningful

the series is only four books long because please shannon i can't handle this anymore

move the lumenaria-collapse climax to the second-to-last (third) book. that plotline slapped so hard and shannon had no business losing it in the middle of the series like it was just some random neverseen plan. it needs to be given the proper weight, so it needs to be the climax that truly showcases the neverseen's might and wit that finally kicks sophie and co into gear and motivates them to knock out the neverseen for good in the last book

i don't know where shannon's going with this yet, so this is tentative, but: move the elysian/ability-to-strip-elves-of-their-abilities plotline to the third-to-last (second) book's climax, so that sophie and co can have a proper reason to not rely entirely on their abilities all the time and actually use their brains for the rest of the series (like the divide-and-conquer-the-neverseen plan)

first book's climax is still the kidnapping

last book's climax is they take the neverseen down for good and fix the lost cities' problems (i assume this will still happen)

miscellaneous stuff

terik is talentless. i'm going to be so honest: i don't think shannon's going to do it. the series isn't done but i feel like i know shannon's style well enough to be able to tell how far she's willing to go with regards to plot twists

keefe is adopted by elwin (could still happen)

the great gulon incident was such a great triumph that it actually made alina quit. she's elected to the council a few years later

whatever stina's parents did to get matched is finally revealed and they fall out of favor with the public. stina gets character development and a reason to help sophie fix the world

alden and della and grady and edaline actually all act like friends (partners?) with inside jokes and not coworkers that only come to each other with problems. sophie wakes up and comes downstairs for breakfast and della and grady are chatting about dinosaurs. she goes into grady and edaline's room and alden's there, helping them pick a new wallpaper. she goes to everglen after school to play with fitz and biana and goes inside and edaline and alden are chilling on the couch talking about how that team got absolutely crushed at the latest bramble match. she goes outside and sees della getting thrown around by verdi and grady, edaline, and alden are laughing at her. and this is like. normal stuff. they're the kinds of friends where they can just show up to each other's houses and it's not a big deal. edaline and grady's dna is on everglen's gate

everglen's gate is explicitly said to also have security measures protecting it from levitators, because that is currently a plot hole

alden is not a century older than della. this is not because i think it's toxic. this is because i want alden, della, edaline, grady, tiergan, prentice, cadence, and quinlin to have all been foxfire friends and that's kind of not possible if alden and della are a century apart

grady, edaline, della and alden's blind spots with regards to the way society is laid out is acknowledged and actually a major part of the story. they are prominent nobles, after all. at the end they all become more aware of the lost cities' problems and are at the forefront of change

timkin and kesler end up best friends by the end of the story somehow. they realize they are in the same situation in different lightings. timkin (and vika) help out at slurps and burps by the end of the story as an apology

that's all for now, but there's probably something else that'll come up that'll make me go "oh, shannon should've done this instead!!!" so. there may be a part two, i don't know

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

I have 2 separate questions that are unrelated but share a subject matter.

Would a woman omega or trans man omega who was infertile/sterile be allowed at Hillview?

And 2) Have you thought or would you ever write an mm pairing where one of them was a trans man?

I'm trans masc and I find it so hard to find good trans fics that deal with trauma recovery or aren't just pwp. And I love your writing so much that if you ever decided to write a transman fic I'd literally cry from happiness.

So, I was going to write a big long world-building response to this but instead I'm gonna take it back to something personal - you're asking me to consider worldbuilding for and writing for stuff I feel pretty dysphoric over in my personal life. I go out of my way to really, really avoid writing heterosexuality of any kind for a start, so I don't want to think about all the fringe cases where I can make heterosexuality possible at Hillview or the sister site. That's just...icky to me.

As for trans folk, being that I'm also transmasc, I'm mostly team 'if you want to see it happen you can write it happening. I have zero problems with that. But there's stuff I'm not writing about either for reasons relating to dysphoria, or for reasons relating to 'this is not actually why I enjoy writing in the first place.' This is why I don't do self-inserts, for example. I don't like seeing myself in my own stories, I prefer seeing myself represented in other stories.

So -> If other folks want to write it, they can! If they want to solve those worldbuilding issues, they absolutely can! If they want to write fic about it, I'm gonna set off a confetti cannon for them in celebration.

In terms of worldbuilding, the answer would just always be: It depends. If you want to find the fringe cases then sure, there would always be exceptions! But if there was any chance of fertility/pregnancy with their companion, then no. So it would absolutely need to be not just a hormonal transition (a lot of things can impact consistent hormonal uptake and I think omegaverse hormones in the Underline universe would actually impact them a lot too), but one that covered bottom surgery as well.

Is that like, a problem in honouring someone's gender? Absolutely!! The Underline universe isn't perfect. But preventing pregnancy is their biggest concern at Hillview and the sister site. I know in regular/standard ORFs, they only care about the fertility issue, and care about literally nothing else, and yes, that can be a huge issue re: trans folk. This world is a dystopia, it doesn't pretend to be anything else.

The fun thing about fanfiction, is that other people can erase all of that with a sweep, come up with some magical contraception, and just make it happen. :D

As a transmasc person myself, I have stuff I just don't like writing. Just like everyone else does. You are absolutely welcome and completely have my blessing to imagine whatever you like for Underline, to write it in fic, to daydream about it, to bend and change the rules that already exist or to make up new ones that don't exist yet, that work for a world you want to read about.

But for me...it just comes too close to 'if I have to change or figure out these things I also have to think about how to set up 'woman omega and man alpha' heterosexuality and I just don't want to.'

I'm so sorry anon. I'm going to circle this one under competing needs. Sometimes the thing another person needs to find gender affirmation, is the thing that will harm another person's experience of their own gender, even if that gender shares the same general name, even if that changes down the track. (This is how we get some trans people who hate genderbending in fic and say it's dysphoric, and other trans people who love it and say it's affirming. It's true for both, neither should impose their views on the other).

The TL;DR being: I write what I want to be writing. If I'm not writing it, and have never written it, it's because I don't want to write it. In the matter of heterosexuality: zero interest, I'll leave that for other folks. In the matter of being trans, dealing with my own gender stuff irl is already a nightmare that I don't want to have to write out a version of that again in fiction, because I can't live it twice, and I don't like writing fluffy stories.

[softhairedhotch]

Do you have any Trans!Aaron headcanons?

yesss lemme give you some <3

when he was younger and first realised he felt like a boy, he definitely pushed away those thoughts because he figured he didn't have time for it with all the things he had to do in the future (care for his mom and brother, working a shitty job, getting into law school) and he assumed no one would understand or care

i feel like he worked a few jobs as a teen so he could save up enough for testosterone/top surgery/bottom surgery if he wanted that too because he wanted to get them all as soon as possible

he used to bind unsafely bc he had no proper way of doing it :( so it took a while for his ribs/chest to feel okay again after that. he sometimes still gets pains because of how long he did it for when he was a teen/young adult

him being trans is the reason he wears a lot of suits, especially tailored ones, because it makes him look and feel a lot more masculine <3 but as he gets older and has been on t for years, he feels a lot more comfortable wearing casual clothing around his coworkers and in general

he's not out to people, only the ones he's closest too. so haley knew, jessica also knew but that's because they grew up together, and so does sean. jack probably knows, but might not understand properly until he's older, and maybe dave knows too. the rest of the team doesn't.

he's insecure about his top surgery scars which is why he's never seen shirtless or always leaves to change elsewhere and alone. i feel like after foyet stabs him a few times in the stomach, he feels a lil bit less insecure about his top surgery scars because it's not the only scars on his front anymore. but now he's insecure about all the scars because of the memories they hold and he hates the idea of people asking questions or acting like they know what he's been through </3

when there's a case that includes transphobia, he gets really really angry about it. just like jj does when the case involves kids. but the team can't figure out why it affects him so much and why it has him overworking them without even meaning to. he hardly sleeps when he's on those cases, too focused on solving it and getting the asshole in jail, and dave or whoever knows has to prompt him to take care of himself or tell him to take a breather :(

he hates having to tell people. his biggest worry is them seeing and treating him differently. that's why he never wants the team to find out; it keeps him awake some nights when his dysphoria is at its worst and his anxiety about others finding out terrifies him

if penelope found out, probably accidently by looking at his file or maybe walking in on him shirtless, she'd be sooo supportive and promise not to tell anyone and make sure that he knows she's always there for him if he needs someone to talk about it <3

he likes to work out and stay in shape because it makes him feel both healthier and appear more masculine and he likes the way it feels

he likes his hair really short. having it too long makes him dysphoric as hell and he feels nauseous. that's why it's so short sometimes bc he can't handle having it past his ears or long enough to reach his eyebrows

i think that's all i have rn <3 thanks for asking!

[warvariations]

Can I ask why you are soon to go through menopause?

And with respect of someone who doesn’t understand anything in the realm of trans/ hormonal dysphoria would you share a little bit of your struggle with it? I hope ultimately that you can be happy, full of rage or full of testosterone xx

Thank you for the good wishes, such a sweet way to put it!

I meant 'soon' as in my future, I'm not that close to menopause but I'm not that far from it either.

Most of my dysphoria has to do with how impaired my body/mind feel during 90% of my hormonal cycle, which is the part that aligns with testosterone decreasing. Basically I feel like I can only be fully functional for a very limited number of days a month, the rest of the time I'm fighting against what feels like having been injected with a drug against my will. I also know for sure that my (a)sexuality is deeply affected by being perceived as a woman / feeling dissociated from my own body, despite not really having any interest in sex beyond the way it facilitates romantic relationships due to the closeness it can foster, which I've always enjoyed. But it feels absurd to believe that I would be feeling better as a man, cause I actually don't know what it feels like to be a man – I cannot say I am a man personally, if anything I feel like a walking vagina bc I feel absolutely subjugated by the reproductive organs it represents, so the uncertainty of what's on 'the other side' makes it feel like a silly decision to make. Yet gender is very much at the core of one's subjectivity in the world we live in, and it's one of the few ways in which a poor person can shift others' perception of them, so it feels like a valuable option despite me not feeling that strongly about either genders (I do really identify with being non-binary but telling people I'm nb is not enough). Anyway the hormonal discomfort is starting to become really unmanageable, which is what's pushing me to consider testosterone again. I'm happy I waited (the first time I thought about it was in 2019) because now I know I've tried everything, and I don't even care about the physical changes I used to worry about anymore, like losing my hair or bottom growth (which used to freak me out cause I already hate my genitals as they are), I'm just SO TIRED of estrogen and progesterone fucking with me. I didn't get on T in 2019 because I was worried that I was just looking for a 'quick way out' of dealing with my trauma, and since then I've tried everything to heal or cope with my trauma and my dysphoria has only increased, and on top of that I'm exhausted and furious due to being forced to exist in what feels like a mutilated body, in the sense that I feel incapable of doing the things I want to do because of my dysphoria / what my hormones do to me every month. The other thing is that I used to feel like by 'giving up' on living as a woman I was giving up on believing that there is hope for a world where women can be happy, but at this point my survival feels more important than ideology. Also I do identify with having grown up as a woman on the internet and I wouldn't wanna go back and change that, same with being a girl child, which has kinda kept me from transitioning too. I was like if I relate to that it means I'm a woman, ain't I? But I'm not a girl child anymore, I'm an adult who is making the life of everybody around me hell cause I'm so dysphoric for 3/4 of every month I'm literally rolling on the floor growling and screaming at the top of my lungs (like actually).

But I want to have a baby and that to me is more important than my hormonal discomfort, I would never want to jeopardize my chance to get pregnant and carry a child, therefore I cannot go on testosterone now.

Hope that makes sense..... I've replied very quickly so I'll probably come back to edit it later

[ghoultrifle]

There's a First Time For Everything

The first chapter of my full-fic version of this drabble is up now.

Read on AO3 or below the cut!

cw for internalised misogyny, internalised transphobia, and gender dysphoria. this chapter is very much hurt/comfort and got more angsty than i was expecting. there is no sex in this chapter, although the use of sex toys and penetration is a theme throughout.

He’s never used a toy before. Never been on the receiving end of penetrative sex. Never been vulnerable enough to acknowledge his anatomy with his partners. Dewdrop’s always been a giver; not out of love but out of hatred for himself. Perhaps hatred is a strong word, more an apprehension so strong he would rather isolate himself forever than even entertain the thought of being penetrated. And while there’s nothing wrong with being a top, Dewdrop desperately knows he isn’t one. He does it out of necessity. Had he been summoned with the correct body, he knows he would bottom the majority of the time. He longs to be filled, to be taken. Longs for his body to be used as it was intended, to have someone or something reach those unattainable spots and make him scream in pleasure. 

But he’s scared. Scared he’ll enjoy it too much; that it’ll confirm he’s been faking everything and he really is a woman. It’s nonsense, of course, Dewdrop has spent years being too dysphoric to even think about making self pleasure, or indeed sex, pleasurable. Too dysphoric to make the experience anything more than a quick hand diving between his legs to satiate his body’s needs. Even during sex he prefers to stick strictly to pleasuring his partner in ways that don’t involve stimulating his own body; oral, handjobs, using toys on them. It’s rare that Rain will see Dew throw on a strap and half-heartedly fuck the water ghoul, his mind clearly elsewhere. More often, the fire ghoul will have Rain on his back, legs thrown over Dew’s shoulders as the smaller ghoul sucks him dry, making him cry out for mercy at the heat of his mouth. Rain will offer to return the favour, but Dewdrop just shrugs and says the moment’s passed, sometimes he’ll lie and say he’s already come if he’s feeling particularly guilty.

So Rain’s slightly confused when he receives a text from Dewdrop, two links to an online sex shop with the accompanying message, “Thoughts?” He’s confused because he already has a large collection of toys, including ones similar to the dildo and vibrator he’s been sent to look at. He barely has time to think of a response before another text pings on the top of his phone screen, “For me, I mean?”

Oh

Rain immediately rushes to find Dewdrop, running through his mental list of where the ghoul might be, he wasn’t about to do this over text. He goes on a wild goose chase around the ministry, the common room, the kitchen, Dew’s bedroom, his bedroom; the fire ghoul is nowhere to be found. 

Dewdrop is holding his phone in front of him, trembling, blue light illuminating his tear-stained face as he hits send on a third text, “Forget I asked, it was stupid” It was stupid for him to think Rain would want to see his boyfriend succumb to his womanly urges, to regress to his biological form, just a lady who needs to be bred. Why else would Rain not have responded? He must be sitting there dumbfounded at the stupidity of Dewdrop’s question, too stunned to respond to his idiot of a girlfriend.

Rain hears the chime in his pocket but he ignores it, surely there aren’t many more places the fire ghoul could be? He’s running out of nooks to check and people to ask. As a last resort he bangs on the door of Copia’s office, his poor Papa deep in the ministry’s taxes, he desperately doesn’t want to interrupt the man but he doesn’t have any other choice.

The door gives way to Rain’s fist, creaking open on its hinges to reveal Dewdrop, tears glistening in the light of Papa’s desktop computer. His nose is raw and red, the floor strewn with the tissues he’s tried to console himself with. Rain moves towards the quivering ghoul, steadily closing the distance between them. Dewdrop sniffles, eyes burning a bloodshot red, “It’s fine, I never loved you that much anyway,” he bites, as much as one can bite between choked back sobs.

“Firefly, what are you on about?” It’s Rain’s turn to tear up now, eyes welling as he fights his body, he needs to be strong for Dew, but it stings to hear him say that, to hear the true love of his life say he was never invested in their relationship, in what they built together. He can see Dewdrop’s phone on the desk, their text thread still on the screen. Rain’s brows furrow and his face drops as he realises there’s another message, shit. He pulls out his own phone in a rage, reading the message, anger directly only towards himself. Why didn’t he just ask Dewdrop where he was? Why didn’t he reply? Why did he let his love get so worked up?

“Droplet, you’re my world, my everything. You’re the reason I get out of bed, the reason I didn’t quit the project all those years ago, you’re the reason I’m here. Nothing you say or do could ever change my opinion of you. Nothing.” Rain cries, tears spilling with abandon, “I need you to believe me, Dewdrop. Can you do that for me?”

Rain perches on the desk, facing the fire ghoul. He pulls another tissue from the pack wincing at the rough sound of the paper against cardboard. The tears on Dew’s face are coming thick and fast as he convulses at Rain’s confession. Rain does his best to dam the flow with the tissue as he gently holds Dewdrop’s chin, the smaller ghoul finally making eye contact.

“Really? You don’t think I’m a freak?” he asked, eyes wide.

“Do you think Swiss is a freak for owning all of his sex toys?”

“No, why woul-”

“Exactly. Why would you be an outcast for it? And don’t start coming at me with the ‘Swiss has had top surgery and I haven’t’ bullshit, because that’s exactly what it is, okay?”

Dewdrop stutters over his words, this isn’t the reaction he was expecting. He had genuinely convinced himself he was about to be broken up with. It’s all he can manage to apologise, “I’m sorry, Rainy, I do love you, so fucking much. Wanted to share this with you for a while now but kept getting scared. ‘s why I just texted you.”

“I know, baby,” Rain coos, “how about we pick some toys now, if you’re feeling up to it, hmm?”

A silence lingers heavily in the air, interrupted only by the occasional sniff and deep breath. Dewdrop extends his arms, inviting Rain in. He obliges and they sit in each others’ embrace, Rain’s cool skin soothing the fiery red Dew has turned. The fire ghoul almost can’t believe he let himself get so worked up about it all. Perhaps it was because he’d taken so long to be comfortable enough to even consider penetration, that he thought Rain would look at him differently. Swiss has always been comfortable in his body, but it’s been a long road for Dew.

“Yeah,” Dewdrop whispers into Rain’s neck, “Jus’ wanna cuddle first though.”

They sit there for what seems like hours, Rain’s feet going numb from where he’s perched on them, Dewdrop’s thighs equally as affected from the weight of the water ghoul atop him. It’s uncomfortable but neither of them want to be the one to break the hold. Both ghouls thinking they’d sit there forever and a day if it meant an eternity with the other.

“Why are you in here, anyway? Where’s Copia?” Rain asks, breaking free from his spot in the crook of Dewdrop’s neck.

“Papa’s on a conversion trip with Sister. Came here so I could look at the toys on the big screen. I wanna get the right ones, you know?”

“Of course, Droplet. Can’t be having you scared off before you’ve even started!” Rain jokes, although Dewdrop knows that the water ghoul could be holding a vibrator millimetres away from his junk and he’ll stop if Dew asks. In fact he’s sure that if he so much as furrows his brow, Rain will be on him- checking in and peppering him with kisses. It’s just that kind of love.

[wundergeek]

Honestly, it is absolutely wild the level of absolutely no health care that trans people, and especially trans mascs have to suffer through.

What do I mean by this? Glad you asked.

* When I came out as trans at the start of the pandemic, I went to my doctor and asked for a referral for help. She responded by saying she didn't know what trans meant. Then did not offer to learn or educate herself in any way. I ended up paying $9000 out of pocket for my top surgery because public funding required a referral from a GP, and there was no way to get a new doctor in 2020.

* I have educated multiple DOCTORS about non-binary pronouns. Ditto with therapists

* Trans masc and experiencing perimenopause? Have fun never getting any medical care about literally debilitating symptoms. I didn't realize I'd had brain fog for TWO AND A HALF YEARS until T made it go away.

* Related: I have a fibroid apparently and it took like a year to get a referral to a trans inclusive gyno - who is 40 minutes away by car - who I don't see for another two weeks.

* Also, none of the T side effects I'm having problems with were things I was warned about. Instead it was all "this will impact your fertility" (good!), and lots of vague euphemisms like "bottom growth", which didn't in any way prepare me for the three days I spent sitting on ice packs when bottom growth started. A warning about 7/10 nerve pain would have been nice.

* Similarly, no one told me that "bottom growth" not only includes clitoral enlargement, but also the vulva becomes more scrotum-like. Which. Great! I have bottom dysphoria, so that's helpful. But again, 7/10 nerve pain accompanied by "holy shit why does my junk look so different all of a sudden????" is something I would have appreciated knowing to expect.

* The two pages of drug information I was given with my first vial of T didn't even MENTION THE EXISTENCE of trans masc people. Not even ONCE.

* I've been training kung fu really intensely for several years and have put on approximately 10 pounds of muscle in 8 weeks, which is causing ALL KINDS OF PROBLEMS. Iron deficiency. B12 deficiency. It's been awful. But T is "supposed" to make your iron go up, so I'm having to do a lot of tests and run around to prove to my doctor that the problem is that I accidentally got jacked too quickly so she'll let me have some goddamn B12 injections, and in the mean time I'll have to put up with fatigue and excruciating muscle cramps during my kung Fu classes for at least another three weeks.

* Even just figuring out where to get my goddamn injection supplies has been a fucking saga. The pharmacy that initially filled the prescription was like "get supplies from [local nonprofit that supports AIDS and injection drug users]". Helping trans mascs the pharmacy is too lazy to help is NOT their mission, but they kindly gave me some supplies after I drove across town to see them. Then my regular pharmacy gave me a sharps container (the first pharmacy just fucking sent me home with some needles and didn't say anything about disposal!!!), so I figured I could get some there, but this morning they were like "we don't stock those, call around I guess idk". I had to call my doctor, then go back to the first pharmacy, and buy five weeks for way too much money while I order supplies online.

(Realistically I should have just done that first, but I've never had to do injections and idk just foolishly thought that pharmacies would serve that need? Stupid, I know.)

So yeah. Honestly I'm just so fucking done with this fucking ignorance. It takes EFFORT to be this clueless about how to provide basic fucking health care in 2024, so why can't the majority of care providers clear a bar that is already on the fucking floor???

[sincerelystesichorus]

trans joy rant for the timeline or whatever

i don't really have anywhere else to put these thoughts and my cis friends just don't really get it and neither do my enbies because they're not medically transitioning and yeah

i've been on T for 10 months now!!

and the most grating part of my dysphoria beforehand was my voice. i have no words to describe my voice beforehand other than,, if the dysphoria didn't zap my brain every time i talked and practiced, i could've made a great gig as the next disney princess.

i've done classical singing my entire life. i was a mezzo soprano forcing myself to be an alto and chronically wishing i could be a tenor. i've never felt more jealousy in my life than when i was 16 and a girl in my choir was a contratenor. i would listen to the aladdin and little shop of horror soundtracks and just hold back tears sometimes before i was out to even myself. i just did not understand the gender envy i was experiencing from male singing. it felt like something was missing and i spent so much of my singing career wondering why i couldn't just get ahold of my voice. it's because i couldn't stand the sound of it no matter how polished it was. i still can't listen back to old clips of me talking, nonetheless singing. it's crazy because my voice has only been dropped for a few months but i can't imagine it any other way than the 2014 justin bieber prototype it's fell into. i love it.

i hope to get to a point i can be comfortable with my old voice, but the point of this post: my new voice is my favorite thing about myself. i genuinely love to hear myself talk. vocal training doesn't feel disheartening anymore. i'm a tenor now!!!!!

and even more exciting,, i just extended the bottom of my range by two notes. when fully warmed up, i can now hit down to A2 pretty consistently, it just needs work!! i am now the countratenor i was so envious over. it gets better.

[tabbycatplushy]

Joule's Journey: "Finally You"

[transformation, light themes of body horror, wrestling with self-image and gender dysphoria]

Joule is finally getting her first dose of gender-affirming potions. As soon as she looks how she's always wanted, she'll be able to love herself. Right?

“Alright, now sign here please.” Lizzie tapped a hook-like claw to the line at the bottom. “This is the last one. This form is a confirmation that you would like to use your government funding to pay for this treatment.”

Joule carefully read the form. She trusted Lizzie, but her dad had taught her always to read before you sign. Satisfied, she scrawled her signature—her new signature, for her new name—and handed the form back to the alchemist.

Joule hadn’t recognized the alchemist when she walked in just moments ago. When she’d placed her order, Lizzie had been a sly-looking fox man. Today, it wore the form of a saber-toothed tiger woman, at least seven feet tall and sporting four muscular arms. The only thing that hadn’t changed about its appearance was its silver fur and purple hair. It was a little intimidating, but Lizzie maintained the same charm it’d had last time.

The alchemist grinned around it's dagger-like fangs. “Perfect. Now all that’s left is for you to take this.”

A vial of pink liquid appeared in its claws. “This is one dose, little kitten. Full effects will last about two weeks. After that, there may be some minor physical reversion. That is normal. Do not, I repeat, do not take another gender-affirming potion until one month has passed since you took this.” It swished the vial in the air, making an "X" shape.

Joule nodded. “I won’t.”

The tiger’s feline eyes softened. “Good girl,” it said, sending a flutter through Joule’s core. “Full reversion will happen six weeks after ingestion. To avoid that, you’ll want to take your next dose between four and five weeks. I’m only giving you one dose today; this is to give you a chance to request changes to the formula. If you want anything bigger or smaller, if there’s anything you want to keep, all you have to do is tell me. Once you’ve settled on a form, I’ll start giving you six doses at a time. Do you have any questions, kitten?”

Joule shook her head. “You’ve explained it well, thank you.” Little arches of electricity danced between her fingers—her aura, another thing she got from her dad.

“Then here you are. Enjoy.” It plopped the vial into a padded box, which she placed in Joule’s outstretched paw. The catgirl gripped it tight, staring at the thing as a gentle buzz of static crackled under her palms. It’s real. This is really, actually, finally happening. I can't wait to see myself for the first time!

She slid the box carefully into her backpack. “Thank you!” she called. A light feeling carried her to the door, down the street beyond and onto the bus home.

***

Joule wasted no time. Though she felt like barreling right through, she carefully opened the door to her parent’s house. There’s never an excuse for banging a hole in the wall, she thought. Kicking off her shoes, she ran up the stairs to her attic room and locked the door behind her. The latch had barely clicked shut before she flung off all her clothes.

She pulled down the blanket that covered the full-body mirror she’d gotten just for today. And every day after, she thought. There she stood: thin as twigs, and bony besides. Broad shoulders, thin hips, not soft or round enough in all the places that counted. Four pairs of nipples adorned her torso, barely visible beneath her fur. Her coat—the one feature she didn't think was hideous—shone in the white glow of the ring light she’d set up above the mirror. Light gray and fluffy (her dad called it ‘stormy’), fading to near-white at the front, with dark gray stripes on her face, forelimbs, and running down her back and tail. Faint orange stripes complimented the dark ones on her back, and a burst of orange surrounded her pink nose. The dark tip of her tail swished around her ankles.

She turned away. She could never stand to look at herself for long.

That’s about to change, though. Even her image in the mirror couldn't dampen her excitement. Little sparks jumped from all over her body. Luckily there was nothing in her room, or the house, that could be damaged from a stray spark—her father had the same aura, so they took precautions.

She pulled the vial from its box, uncorked it, and downed the pink liquid inside.

The changes hit her like a truck. A second of sharp pain, then reduced to an ache and an absence. Joule’s hands shot to her crotch. Holy shit, this stuff works fast!

Pain flared again, drilling inward. Folding, peeling sensations rose from her groin to her lower stomach. Cramps gripped her body and folded it in half; she couldn’t stand, so she dropped to the carpet in fetal position. She purred to herself, desperate for any comfort.

The cramps subsided, and she relaxed from her involuntary contortion. Breathing hard, heart running like a rabbit, she lay on the ground and waited for the next changes to come.

She didn’t wait long before her top pair of nipples started twitching. Her paws flew up to palm her pecs, just as they began to swell. Her nipples were hard; a new sensation, but then her whole body was being swarmed with new sensations, so she couldn’t pay them much mind. Soft fat piled behind them, and soon enough she had a small pair of tits.

Boobs. I have boobs. They’re just as great as I thought they would be.

Pain forgotten, she sat up against her bed frame, cupping and squishing her breasts as the transformation continued. Her torso slimmed down, and her shoulders with it. Her hips cracked outwards, and her limbs thickened up slightly. Women in her family were slim, but to her it was enough. I have curves! I have hips!

She brought a hand before her face and examined her new paws and their small, dainty-looking fingers. Flexing it, turning it in the light was surreal. These can’t be my hands. Can they? All at once her body felt alien. Joule was not the catgirl changing on her bedroom floor; that was someone else. She was watching a movie. Someone was turning over their hands in front of a camera, and she was merely watching.

Reality settled back into place as her face bubbled and shifted, reshaping itself into something feminine. Something cute, I hope.

When she felt no more changes coming, Joule carefully stood up, wobbling on baby-deer legs. Nothing jostled between her thighs as she took her first, timid steps into view of the mirror. She gasped.

The person she saw was... cute. Cute in a way she’d never been able to picture herself. Recognizable, in a familial way… it’s like looking at the sister I never had. She was more delicate. Softened.

Her form was slender, but with small, blessed curves. Enough to change her overall shape. The way she used to set her feet no longer felt natural; she had to adjust her stance. Starting from her hips, she drew her hands up her body, feeling the tickle of her fingers running through her fur.

This feels… strange, she thought. Good strange? It was still too surreal for her to tell. Her face was wet. She realized she was crying.

There was a knock on her door. “Joule? Are you okay? How’d it go, honey?”

She squeaked in a new, alien voice. “Just a second!”

Skipping to her closet, Joule pulled on a pair of teal yoga pants and a racerback tanktop. And, for the first time, a bra. She’d gotten a few ahead of time, guessing at the size; it fit well.

She reached out to the door handle, then paused, overcome with a sudden anxiety. Slowly, she opened the door on her waiting parents.

Her mom gasped as she took in Joule’s appearance, cupping her paws over her mouth. Her dad’s eyes widened.

Joule just stood there, shoulders drawn in and eyes down. She choked out, “H-hi…”

Before she closed her mouth, both parents had wrapped their arms around her. Her dad rested his chin atop her head and simply purred, while her mom was rubbing her forehead against Joule’s face, saying “You’re so beautiful. My gorgeous girl.”

Joule was crying again. She couldn’t speak; there were no words for a moment like this.

“You got short, kid,” said her dad, making her laughed through the tears. “I’m gonna have to get used to your new height. And that voice! I almost don’t recognize the sound of it.”

I pulled back. “Is it okay?”

He smiled. “You sound beautiful, sweetheart.”

Her mom wiped her eyes. “Alright, now come downstairs. We have a surprise for you.”

“Surprise?”

She smiled, and kissed Joule cheek. “It’s the good kind. Come!”

She followed them downstairs, ignoring the doubtful feeling lingering in the back of her mind.

***

The surprise was nice—wonderful, even. But something stopped Joule from enjoying it.

Halfway down the stairs, she saw it. In the living room were half a dozen people, who all shouted “Surprise!” as she came into view. A string of letters hung from the ceiling read “F-I-N-A-L-L-Y—Y-O-U-!”

There was cake. Instead of making a birthday wish, they brought out her old IDs so she could destroy them. The first idea was to burn them, but the smoke made the alarms go off. She cut them to bits with the scissors instead.

In the corner was a backdrop, where everyone could get a photo with her new look. Joule looked at one of them—it was her, and her cousin Alex. A buzz of electricity tingled her fingers. She should be elated. Why aren't I? Why can I still not look at myself?

Alex sidled up next to Joule, examining the photo in her hands. "You look great, cuz! I'm so happy for you."

Joule shook herself out of it, forcing a smile. "Thanks, Al. It's good seeing you. Thanks for coming."

Alex hugged her. "So, now that you're no longer trans-"

"What?" Joule whip-turned toward her cousin. "What did you just say?"

A confused look crossed Alex's face. "...now that you're not transgender anymore..?"

"That's... what are you even saying? Of course I'm still trans."

Joule had spoken more loudly than she intended. The others in the room had turned towards them now.

Alex stammered, "Oh- of course! I didn't mean... I only... What I meant to say-"

"Well I'm still trans, okay?" Joule pointed her finger while she spoke; sparks jumped from the tip, thankfully not hitting Alex. They fell harmlessly to the ground.

Joule felt the rest of the family's eyes on her. She took a deep breath. "I'll... be right back."

She bolted up the stairs, back to the safety of her room. Why did I freak out on Alex like that? Sure, what her cousin had said was insensitive, but Joule shouldn't have had such a reaction to it. Why can't I just enjoy this? Shouldn't I be happy? I look how I've always wanted!

She closed the door behind her, turning the lock. Her eyes found the mirror. Walking up to it, she tried to look at herself the way she should be able to. The way she had always tried to look at herself, for so many years. Without success.

But I'm me, now! It should be easy!

She turned away, shame and confusion swirling, and fell into the bed, burying her head in her arms.

I don't understand. I'm finally me. I'm finally a...

Joule stopped herself, surprised at the direction of her own thoughts. She had been about to say, I'm finally a girl. But that couldn't be right. She was a girl. She always had been. She knew that. Don't I?

Is that why Alex's comment stung so much? I guess I've been acting as if today was putting all that behind me. As if after I got my potions, I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore.

Is that what she wanted? To forget about her previous life?

Of course not. That's part of who I am. How could I ever just pretend that all the years of discomfort, of heartache, of dysphoria never happened? That they would go away after today?

Is this why I've felt so uncomfortable? Have I been hanging everything on just my new appearance? How could I have thought that my self-image issues would disappear overnight?

She palmed her eyes, trying in vain to dam up her tears.

What do I do?

***

Joule swung open the large wooden door, and stepped inside. Lizzie's shop was much like she'd left it, but Lizzie was not; today, the alchemist was a green-skinned orc with it's iconic silver-and-purple hair.

"Lizzie, I need to request a change for my formula."

The orc smiled gently, silver-capped tusks glinting in the lamplight. In a gruff voice, it said, "Of course, dearie, whatever you need."

Joule told her. Lizzie didn't tease. It listened, took some notes, and told Joule it'd get right to work. Then it was over.

Joule sighed in relief as she left the shop. I feel like that was even harder than the first time. At least Lizzie didn't tease me about it.

Joule had thought long and hard about her request, and doubt filled her right up to the moment she entered the shop. But now, she knew she had made the right decision.

She'd told Lizzie she wanted to keep a few things from her old body. Her height, her shoulders... and her dick. If I ever want to truly love the person I see in the mirror, she thought, then I'd better get used to imperfection. I'd better get used to the things that make me who I am. I'd better learn to love them. I can't just pretend they're not there.

She walked down the street, watching the people around her as she thought.

If I can do that, I think everything will be okay.

[the-t-boy-king]

STP Tips from your trans big brother

Hey ya'll. I thought I should share some STP tips I have learned over the last couple of months I learned while trying to use my own STP.

Quick trigger warning: I will be showing actual pictures of the STPs I use and they are prosthetic penises so they will look like a penis. If you're uncomfortable with that, please keep scrolling.

So I use a STP Freely and the XL version of it from Tansguy supply Is pictured here:

This one is the uncut version. The shaft is about 4 inches long from the top, 3 inches from the bottom, inside the cup is 3.5 inches, and outside is 4 inches.

This is the Freely XL cut version. The shaft is 5 inches from the top,4.5 inches from the bottom, inside the cup is 3.5 inches, and the outer cup is 4 inches.

Tips for beginners

I'm going to be upfront and say that I'm still learning myself. I have peed with a few times successfully at home. I have not taken it in public yet nor have I used the STP boxers I got yet. . However, I have learned a lot from my trial and error and I want to pass those onto y'all.

To start with, try to find your urethra. I know it can be hard for some due to dysphoria but if you can, try to find it. Knowing where it is can be a big help. When you do find it, try to place the STP in a position where you will being peeing into the shaft rather then the funnel. The shaft is what your aiming for, the funnel is there to catch any pee that doesn't go down the shaft. If your position is too high, it'll spill over the top and the sides, if too low it'll spill from the back. Try to control how fast you're peeing. If you pee too fast, it'll fill up and spill. On some of them, you can cut the hole in which the peeing goes through bigger. The Freely XL has a bigger pee hole so if you pee fast, the XL might help.

I highly recommend starting in the shower naked because you'll pee on yourself and it's a pain to have to keep changing your pants and underwear. Make sure the water is off so you can feel where you're spilling from. Plus it's easier to clean up the mess since you just have to turn on the water. Once you feel confident in peeing the shower, you can move to the toilet naked. You should have a towel down in case you pee on yourself and the floor. Once you got it naked. Try it with boxers. Try to have ones that open in the front so you can poke the shaft through. Again, once you got it with boxers, try wearing both boxers and pants.

Once you're ready to go in public, try to wear dark pants in case you make a mess. Dark pants are the best at hiding wet spots. Also drink lots of water because it will dilute your pee and make it smell less like pee. In public you can start in a stall and work your way up to a urinal.

Packing with STP

STPs can be harder to pack with since they are stiffer than soft packers so they can hold their shape when you need to pee. There's a few ways to pack. I'll add a picture of the different packing ways but I'll also explain them. These apply to both soft packers and STPs.

Packing down is where you take the shaft of the STP and put it down over the balls. This way makes the biggest bulge so unless you're trying to make it really noticeable, i don't recommend this one.

Packing up is where you take the shaft and put it straight up. This way makes the bulge more manageable, but it can be a bit uncomfortable depending on what pants you're wearing.

Packing left/right is taking the shaft and putting it along your hip. I have never done this style, so I can't say if it's good or not.

You can use normal underwear with STPs, but they have to be tight to keep the packing position. I recommend get STP underwear because they have an o-right to keep the STP in place.

Cleaning

You want to keep STPs clean since you can get a UTI from it, and it can start to smell bad fast. If you're able, give it a quick rinse in the sink. If not, use toilet paper to get the outside and possibly the inside of it dry. You can put it on the top rack of your dishwasher or boil it to sanitize it. You can also use hot water and mild soap to clean it.

That's all the tips I know and learned from others. Good luck and happy pissing!

With love, Miles, your trans big brother.

[ridiasfangirlings]

Forgive me for the terms I'm using, but we need MiSaru with Saruhiko with a boy pussy, again.

Imaging this as transmale Fushimi and Yata did not really think about this whole thing until they start dating and getting physical. When they were kids Yata really just always thought of things as ‘Saruhiko is Saruhiko,’ maybe he was a little shy about sharing a bath but in general he was of the mindset that if Saruhiko says he’s a boy then he’s a boy and there’s nothing else to it. When Fushimi joins S4 in particular I could see him having access to all the necessary hormone treatments and maybe even top surgery, Munakata certainly isn’t going to deny his favorite anything (especially if it helps Fushimi’s mental state even a little, dysphoria-wise). So basically for Yata, there’s no reason to think of Fushimi as having any parts that are different from Yata’s own, right until the first time they start making out and Yata impulsively puts his hands down Fushimi’s pants and realizes that something’s missing down there.

I could see this making Fushimi self conscious at least initially, though he probably hides it by mocking Yata for being a virgin. Yata though feels like a jerk because he knows how much Fushimi’s been through and how hard things were for Fushimi when they were in middle school and the school always wanted to make him wear the girl’s uniform, how Niki always taunted Fushimi for being a girl, and Yata’s always wanted to be the one person who no matter what will never treat Fushimi like anything less than a guy. At the same time he’s aware that Fushimi isn’t particularly interested in bottom surgery and Yata just has no idea at all how to make Fushimi feel good. Imagine he even steels himself and asks Chitose for advice, like he only really knows one person who would be skilled in this and there’s no choice, he doesn’t want Saruhiko to think that Yata’s in any way disgusted or upset by Fushimi’s body.

So then the next time they’re making out Yata is really focused on making sure Fushimi knows how he feels, like just imagine him immediately going for Fushimi’s pants and Fushimi teases him for being such a bold virgin. Yata mutters at him to shut up, fingers already moving, and his face just gets redder when Fushimi lets out this gasp. Yata’s swallows hard and then manages a smile as he’s like who were you calling a virgin, fingers clumsy as he tries to find the right spots but trying his best. Fushimi’s squirming now and Yata slowly lowers Fushimi down onto his back, pulling Fushimi’s pants all the way down and deciding to give things a try with his tongue. Afterward I imagine Fushimi claiming that it was ‘all right’ but that Yata probably couldn’t find the g spot with a map, Yata’s face is still red but he’s like those are big words from the guy who couldn’t stop yelling my name a minute ago.

[xx-slug-xx]

Gender has been bothering me lately and I really want to share my experience. Maybe, folks can relate? Give tips? Idk, not really a vent in my head, but this is a vent I suppose technically lol

For clarification. I identify as trans masc nonbinary. Have been out for 4-5 years. I’m afab, and I really tried to push away my gender for my whole life. Hyper feminized myself and all that. Not fun :(

I’ve been thinking though. I was socialized as a girl most of my life. I’m never going to fit in with men in that sense. My childhood and teen years are so different, and I developed learning what’s acceptable behavior based on what’s acceptable for women. I’ll never be the same, and I doubt I’ll be able to learn because I find a lot of male-associated society bullshit as. Well. Bullshit. The patriarchy affects everyone, and it’s sad.

I’m sad for myself though, as I’ll never truly fit in with cis men. Whether they are gay or straight. I don’t want to be seen as a traditional man in any shape of the word. I want to be seen as simply “me”.

But this makes me worried that I’m not the gender I’ve felt like I’ve been my whole life. And part of me worries about giving up and detransitioning. But, I think I mostly feel that way for other peoples comfort more so than my own. Which is comforting in a sense. But it’s still something I worry about. Maybe it’s intrusive thoughts, idk

But I really worry that I’m not truly trans because I’ll sometimes misgender myself. Maybe it’s habit from hearing others misgender me so much, maybe it’s due to being raised for so long trying to be the gender I know I’m not. Who knows. Doesn’t make me feel any less icky about it though.

I just know I’m not a woman though. It feels wrong. I know I’m not fully non-binary or a man either. I feel like I don’t know what I am, but I know I prefer a masc expression, masc or neutral pronouns and titles, and I want a more masculine body. I want to be seen as something closer to man than woman. But I don’t want to be a man. I don’t want to be something perfectly in between. I don’t want to be something I’m not, but it’s hard because I can’t tell what I am right now. Demiboy might fit my experience the best, but I don’t know for sure. I’ve been labeling myself as a demiboy for a few years now, but I’m starting to doubt myself.

I’m queer in every sense of the word, gender and sexuality and all that. I know I am, and I feel it inside of myself. I don’t want top surgery or bottom surgery, and I know I’m valid for that. But I want hormones. I worry that hormones won’t fix this feeling. I’m worried that I’ll make the wrong choice and I won’t be able to go back. I’m worried that if I make that choice, then I’ll loose the people in my life that I care about. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I just want to be myself and be comfortable with my body.

Maybe this is dysphoria in some form though. I feel like that sounds about right for this, and it probably is. But I just wanted to share, see if anyone else relates, and possible tips to get over this feeling