#but i need to stop thinking about it and donate plasma

[tethered-heartstrings]

like yeah sure "it doesn't matter how others see you, it's how you see yourself" is fine and all until you are basically the only trans person and 50+ hours a week every week you get misgendered despite introducing yourself and having a name tag with said pronouns

[maybege]

Hi, May! How are you?

I know I already texted you about vampire!paz but I was half-asleep last time, so I just wanted to do this more properly now that I’ve finally got some down time!!

So a couple thoughts I’ve had while reading and since then:

ok so first up, I love the vibe of the speakeasy! Also the whole blood donation thing? Actually really relatable, at this point I would probably at least consider it if I got disposable income out of it (especially if I get paz with it…)

Also vampire powers are so fun to me cause I too would be really fucking confused if someone told me to just utter a safe word without explaining that they have some sort of superhuman hearing abilities

DIN DJARIN MENTION 🥰

also the part of ‚if you didn’t know better you’d have thought he’s a werewolf‘ ABSOLUTELY. I guess that’s stereotyping vampires but damn that man just is so broad it would absolutely make sense to assume 😂

NOT HIM IMMEDIATELY CALLING HER DARLING 🙈🫠

Also girl don’t be embarrassed, I don’t think anyone would be able to not zone out and stare at paz. But also not him being so smug about it 😭

On a different note, technically I can imagine how intimate feeding would be if it’s not … violent but somehow I also didn’t realise until reading this 🙈

NOT THE SMUT VISIONS 😭🫠 girly was so out of it that all potential embarrassment left her body and asked him to sit in his lap???? 10/10

also the surprise on my face when I realised that he was most definitely seeing all of that too???? I need him to stop being so smug cause it’s making me blush too much at this point

love the lore at the end!! Especially the concept of telepathic connection between them 😭

THE CAT!!!! I love biscuits already 🫶🏼

And finally… can I be stuck with him too?? 🙈

You know, when you told me the what this story was gonna be about, I was already intrigued but damn I wasn’t prepared for being even more intrigued after reading it. I’ve literally been thinking about this every day since you posted it !!

the fact that the London Meetup (tm) is confirmed makes this like the best time to answer it!! 👀😂 I am so so happy you liked vampire!Paz!

Honestly, I got the idea from a friend who always goes and donated blood or plasma because the fee you're getting is really good and I just sat in the train like ... "This ... but with Paz ..." and that is how vampire!Paz was born 😂 And like any version of Paz, he needs to have a fluffy companion! I really hope I will write more of him because the ideas I have about Bicuits' shenanigans are insanely hilarious, if I do say so myself lol

And the smut visions will only get worse better realer from here on out 👀👀👀👀

Thank you so so much for reading!!

[antihibikase2]

Request a drabble using this prompt list!

"I swear, it's like he has eyes everywhere. I can't even buy a lump of cheese and a loaf of bread without him breathing down my neck."

Mumbles Piper, taking a swig out of his mug of Moomoo Milk before slamming it on the counter.

"Every piece of gold, every purchase we make-"

"All is accounted for, he's quite good at what he does. He's always been like that, even back at Mistralton."

Antoniou muses, swirling a mixing stick into his cup of coffee. Compared to the rest of the party, concerned at best, annoyed at worst, he was glowing with pride.

"It is quite impressive, actually. A true student of the Mistralton branch."

"Impressive?! It's creepy!"

Kurusu glances from the other end of the counter, fist clenching into a cup of hot cocoa.

"I make one purchase at some small store downtown and he's on my case all night about it! How is a chocolate bar going to 'financially murder the entire party', and how is it my fault entirely?!"

"A chocolate bar is nothing,"

Abbot laughs- he's the man behind the counter, the one preparing the party's drinks.

"I was in a rush to buy herbs and medicines- you know, so I could do my job as an apothecary; next thing I know, I've built up quite a tab in the store. No problem, I think, I'll pay it all of- but since Ohashi hasn't heard of these purchases, and I've amassed quite a debt, well,"

He pours a questionable liquid into a mug, a murky, sparkling gray.

"I learned my lesson- though I'm not allowed to experiment any new formulas for the time being, on account of Ohashi banning me from using the party's funds."

"Serves you Right,"

Abbot glares, but doesn't argue.

Lobanov takes the curious concoction, swirling it in his hands.

"He's a Little Debt Collector, That one. Very Terrifying- but What do you Expect, he is a Merchant of Plasma Harmonia Academia."

"I think he's doing a really good job then,"

Grumbles Descante- his own choice of drink was a simple, freshly squeezed lemonade; and he hoped Abbot didn't add anything to it.

"Representing the academy's business majors, I mean. Don't we have to pay him three pieces of gold daily?"

"The staff at Aspertia would put down donation boxes,"

Slater whispers under his breath, lips pressed against the rim of his teacup- his choice of drink was Pecha tea with coconut milk.

"It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't, um, mandatory."

"Little bloodsucking parasites,"

Technamare puts up his smoothie for Aibert to drink from- clearly annoyed at the mention of collecting fees.

"Opelucid wasn't any better- an entrance fee for the exams, the tuition, they didn't even offer scholarships, when they're the branch that'd benefit from having one!"

"Nice to know that, aside from running cults, planning deaths, masterminding this whole ordeal while carrying out this so-called god's will-"

Abbot slides Kurosawa his drink- a cup of Iapapa berry juice.

"-they're also stealing money from us."

Piper rolls his eyes. "And you guys say I'm the traitor-"

Technamare immediately looks at the thief. "You literally are-"

Piper waves his hand dismissively. "Yeah, fine, it was a one time thing-"

Descante, furrowed eyebrows, speaks up next. "You tried to kill Slater-"

"Well, I stopped doing that! Unlike Ohashi who bleeds us dry every time!"

"Who's bleeding who dry?"

The rest of the party goes quiet.

Stepping inside Abbot's private bar, Ohashi steps in with the sound of his wares jingling inside his backpack- as a merchant, he carried business as usual even as the party were labeled fugitives and heretics by the rest of the world, and maintained steady connections.

Out of all of them, it was no doubt Ohashi worked the hardest.

Yet.

Everyone turns away- completely unwilling to fess up.

Ohashi needs no confirmation, however.

"I take it the ingredients used for everyone's drinks were part of yesterday's trip to the market, Abbaticcio?"

"Right," There's a peaceful smile as he wipes a glass- it's hard to tell if it was fake or not. "No need to worry about that."

"Hmph. You say that,"

He glances at everyone.

He must have some sort of innate magic ability, Piper thought, because his glare was the iciest it's ever been- and the way it quickly melts into something, one of seething rage-

"-but while you lot were here gossiping amongst yourselves, I've observed there's been discrepancies between the reported expenses and our current budget."

Uh-oh.

"Kurosawa, Piper, Kurusu, Lobanov-"

The rest unmentioned quickly rose to their feet, scampering upstairs. Abbot hastily throws the last of the cleaned glasses into the shelf and makes a run for it.

"-meet me outside. We need to talk."

Kurusu looks like he wants to argue- but shrinks back when Ohashi stares into his exposed eye.

With a shrug, Lobanov takes one last sip of Abbot's strange drink, stretching his muscles and walking outside with Kurusu clinging to his coat.

"What did you buy?" Kurosawa asked. "You're the one always in trouble with him."

"You're in his bad books too!"

"It was probably some bandages I brought in a rush!"

"Like hell it was!"

"Both of you,"

Placing gloved hands on their shoulders, Ohashi leans close.

"Like it or not, I'll never part from your side,"

It was less of a reassurance- especially with how tightly he squeezed.

"So while I'm around, you better pay your dues. Otherwise,"

Somehow, out of everything we've encountered so far-

"You'll know why they warn you about making a deal with the devil."

-why is Ohashi the scariest?!

[bvannn]

Weekly update December 1, 2023

Today was awful. The rest of the week has been fine. The awful was because of medical stuff. I’m still having fatigue, and I have an absolute ton of homework this weekend so good chance I won’t get much done in the way of art, but finals week is coming up which should free up my schedule a good amount.

At the beginning of the week I got a bunch more late inktober drawings finished up. I still need to keep powering through the rest of the prompts but it’s fine I’m not that worried. It’ll be later this week if I can manage anything but I’ll keep trying.

TRGA has been slow due to exhaustion. I have all but one keyframe on Tim 1-4 done, and the tweens shouldn’t be too hard. I don’t want to mess with props but if I have to I have to. I was messing a bunch with computer stuff this week, and after effects is looking pretty nice for future animations, but for the one we’re on I won’t mess with it if I don’t have to.

Music: I definitely need to redo the verse melody I did last week, it doesn’t fit the song at all. Got a bridge melody done that works great though. Also got a bunch of other plugins and VSTs working so I have an idea for the next original song I could get working on (which should be instrumental so I won’t need to hold off because of vocals). I could also try my hand at covers, since they would theoretically move a lot faster. I think this upcoming week I’m going to prioritize animation above music if I can, I’ll try to just spend like one day on music for a good block of time, and the rest on those tween frames or reimporting stuff.

I’m a bit worried about computer stuff, since good chance I will have to move to a new one soon, which should be great for music plugins and after effects stuff should I chose to mess with that, but will be a pain in the neck to move my slew of clip studio brushes. I’ll try to make a nice list of all the sets I have downloaded throughout the week, in order to make the process easier on myself, but it will take a while.

Last thing, I’ve finally stopped procrastinating on that comic idea I’ve had, and have started thumbnailing a comic pitch for the O’Malley Foster Home. At the present it’s just planned to be a pitch, as I would prefer it to become an animated webseries to a webcomic, but it would still be good to get some ideas out of my head, since people seem curious about my OCs, but I don’t want to infodump unprompted, and it leads to some things getting misinterpreted (I’ve seen Mikey referred to as ‘goth’ even though he’s moreso meant to be punk, and a drawing of him got reblogged by a demon themed account today because of that drawing I did of him pretending to be a demon. I also have a mutual who I think thinks that Jack is a vampire because he has a bat motif in his design, even though he really just likes bats), so them having some public lore would hopefully clarify things. Still not sure if I will or should do a pitch for Backstage as well once that is done, but that doesn’t matter until it’s done anyway. It’s a nice smaller project to do during lecture perhaps, so it’ll be fine.

Lots of stuff this week. I am still bleeding from the doctor this morning and also tired af so I’m going right to bed after posting this, tomorrow I will do homework, and maybe look over some tutorials for after effects or music stuff while I donate plasma tomorrow.

[extr3medieting]

god….. i’m still so disgusting. i was supposed to be nearing 170 right now AND I KNOW IM NOWHERE CLOSEEEEE i can’t even bring myself to step on the scale because i know im going to be so disappointed…. i’m pretty sure i gained weight…. maybe i should go step on the scale so i can hate myself and hopefully that will motivate me to actually reach my fucking goals. every time i look in the mirror and see my fat fucking thighs and my disgusting fucking stomach i just want to die…. i can literally feel my back rolls when i walk….

thankfully im working now so i am constantly walking around and barely eating so i’m hoping this gets me back in order. i stopped taking my meds so i could donate plasma but i got a tattoo so i can’t donate anymore and can start taking them again but for some reason i haven’t. i think i’m nervous ab getting used to them again but i can’t reach my goals if i’m still feeling hunger cues. eating less isn’t gonna do anything i need to not consume anything at all and to do that i need to start taking them. i’m gonna start tomorrow i promise. i need to stop putting it off.

my legs and even my fucking calves and SHINS have cellulite like do you understand how fucking FAT you have to be to have cellulite on your SHINS??????? JESUS FUCKING CHRISTTTTTT dont even get me started on my midsection like that alone could make me want to die. i don’t even have morning skinny anymore….. my butt looks so disgusting and fat in a bad way. my arms are fucking massive but atleast i can hide that in my sleeves… but even then my sleeves have been getting tight so that’s another thing. i have this huge fucking double chin that i just dont understand how anyone could be attracted to me. thats probably why no one flirts or talks to me. like i’m literally back to being the fat friend. i can’t even go out because i just look so disgusting in my clothes. i hate going to the gym bc i just look like the fat bitch at the gym but i need to keep going so that i can eventually be the sexy fitness chick. my collarbones are completely enveloped in my body. i just dont understand how i can hate myself so much yet i don’t do anything to change it. well fuck that. its getting warm out and i can’t even wear a reasonably fitted shirt let alone fucking shorts. my roommate was talking about going tanning the other day and i deadass almost had a seizure just thinking about how much of a fat fucking beached whale i would look laying there for everyone to see…

the only good part about me right now is that i’m always going to be beautiful in the face… even then my double chin is ruining that. ive been going to the gym for the past two days so here’s to staying on track with that.

i haven’t had a lay since december and i’m def feeling it lmfaooo but my shame is stronger than my horniness. i can barely stand to touch myself because i just imagine what a fucking whale i must look like laying on my back. theres a cute guy at my job who literally lives in my building and i cant even make a fucking move because i am so disgusting i can’t handle him finding out im actually disgusting

[scarlet-rosepetals]

So because I think too hard about things this post got me wondering if maybe it’d be feasible to like, work out a system of giving vampires expired blood, like if it’s no longer good for medical use but it’s still good for vampire eating then it could go to them instead of going to waste, you know?

This has left me with more questions than answers.

You see blood isn’t stored as just, they take your bag of donated blood and pop it in the fridge, they separate that blood into individual components and store them separately, with each component having a different expiration date. Platelets only keep for a few days, red blood cells keep longer, plasma can be frozen and stored for super long. White blood cells don’t actually seem to get used for anything so they’re just removed and tossed.

So now I’m wondering: could vampires even eat blood bank blood? What nutritional components do they need from blood? Would a bag of just red blood cells be satiating? Do they need plasma? Platelets? If they get anything from those white blood cells then they’re just SOL no matter what they take, unless they can snag fresh donations before they get processed which, I mean at that point you might as well just suck it straight out of the people and save everyone the time and effort that goes into blood collection.

I know the point of this post was to address the morality of different sources of blood but I’m now obsessed with vampire nutrition requirements. Sorry not sorry I’m running with this concept in the objectively wrong direction and no one can stop me.

okay, i've seen this one post going around my dash a few times, and at this point i feel a need to say something about it:

vampires drinking from blood banks is NOT more ethical than drinking from live donors! in fact, it's worse!

most adult humans walking around on the street have a pint or so of blood they can spare with no real consequences for their health. (again, this is not true of everyone, so make sure you ask your donors about any health conditions before you get into it, but you were doing that already, right?)

but the blood in blood banks. the blood in blood banks is for people who need that blood in transfusion form to survive. blood shortages are real, and they kill. if you steal from a blood bank, someone could die for your theft.

the only reason that bagged blood is considered the "softer" option is because you don't have to look the people you're harming in the eyes to do it. coward.

[souperfluidslut]

tw self harm, suicide mention

chilling out on the sex posting for regular posting real quick

even though I'm in a better place than I was last week, I still think I'd benefit from going to a mental facility. I plan to discuss it with my therapist before I do, but the fact I was that close to genuinely hurting myself after i had already been thinking heavily about it for days worries me. the ONE reason I stopped was because my phone kept going off from pink sending me funny stuff and I snapped out of it because I was laughing so much.

I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into the hole but I wasn't sure how to get out. being unemployed with no money left except a credit card, feeling ignored/not feeling loved, and being stuck inside just kept adding more and more stress and despair. from what I saw I not only had no help, but couldn't even afford to seek it out. my days and nights were empty. i was withholding myself from the only thing I had left to cope with (weed). and things just felt bleaker and bleaker and more meaningless. i got passively suicidal and eventually it's like I just. laser focused on self harm. it genuinely felt like a real solution. like I'd finally feel something. anything.

i decided to start smoking again (although very little) and I snuck red over so we could hang out and she surprised me with a date. things have looked up the last 2-3 days and I decided to do plasma donation to get money for what I need, but I don't trust that I won't fall into that hole again.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up. I'm exhausted, high, it's 6:35am and I just laid down to sleep, and idk.

i have gained a Twitter mutual (I started posting ass and whatnot on there). she's so wonderful.

[harlequin-hangout]

For a Mortal Chapter 1

Series Master List | Loki Master List

Part 2 >

Pairing: Dom!Loki x f!Reader

Warnings: Self esteem problems, self deprecation, ⚠️abuse (past, not from Loki)⚠️, minor breaking and entering

Contains: Maybe angst, definitely a little fluff

Word Count: 3.2k

Dividers are made by me! Want some for yourself? Send me an ask!

I do not nor will I ever give permission for my writing to be copied, pasted, reposted to other sites, or edited in any way shape or form. Seriously, just don’t.

A/N: This was inspired by this ask by @michelleleewise​. This is my first attempt at writing any kind of fan fiction, so please be kind. I’m hoping to get better, though inspiration doesn’t strike as often as I’d like. I may turn this into an ongoing series, I haven’t completely decided yet. I hope you all like it!!

“FUCK!!”

Your phone hits the bed and bounces to the floor. You threw it harder than you meant to. Sighing through your gritted teeth, you pick up the device. At least the screen wasn’t cracked, but your case had definitely busted when it hit the ground. You had just hung up a call with your boss. The company wasn’t bringing in cash flow, which meant for the second month in a row, you weren’t going to get paid. At least he had told you that you didn’t need to come into the office until there was money again. You take a deep breath and press the heels of your hands into your eyes, as if the pressure could stop the stress and the headache it was about to bring on. 

“God, I don’t want to know how much I’m short,” you think to yourself as you pull the busted case off of your phone and open your banking app. A pit forms in your stomach as you realize your account is overdrawn by $56.41. Well . . . Ramen again tonight. It isn’t the healthiest, but anything is better than being hungry.

It’s been two weeks since your last conversation with anyone in the small startup company you work for. You can feel the exhaustion creeping in, trying to find freelance work while donating plasma just to make sure you can eat has taken its toll on you. Your phone vibrates in your pocket. The caller ID reads “Darren Albright”. Dammit. It’s your boss.

“Yeah, what’s up?” you answer, trying to not let your exhaustion show through in your voice.

“Hey, Y/N, we need to talk. You’ve barely done any work since the last time you were in the office. I feel like I’m just a paycheck to you, and I’m not okay with that. We talked when you came on board, I have decades of experience in production, but this company is still essentially a start-up and Rob and I both work for free, and it’s insulting that you don’t even try to come in to help out. I always go out of my way to help out friends, and I just thought you’d do the same. I’ve offered you gas money to come out here if you need it, we’re all in the same boat here. I’m broke too. I haven’t paid my mortgage for this month, so don’t tell me it isn’t possible.”

You don’t really process the rest of what Darren says as you stare at the wall in disbelief. 

Not working . . . ? You’ve been working for free for over two months. The only difference is you’ve been working from home instead of from the office. You can’t help it if you live an hour away. Hell, it isn’t the same boat. Darren lives in the office, owns the company, and when you were in the office, you mostly saw him playing around on an art app while you worked. You knew you were signing on to a startup, but you’d been reassured that you’d be paid at least something. You mumbled apologies that you don’t really mean as you hang up the phone. First it was his now ex-girlfriend, Crystal, doxxing you online after harassing you for days on end because she somehow got it in her head that you and Darren were sleeping together. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Sure, Darren was tall, but he wasn’t your type at all. The bushy beard just didn’t do it for you. Your type was a bit more . . . sleek. Sleek, dark, put together . . . You sigh as you try to fight back your tears. 

What the hell were you doing? Was this even worth it? You’d worked so hard to break into the world of production. You worked with all three of Darren’s companies, and had built the backend for two of them. You spent every day maintaining those backends, running admin, and doing literally anything he called and asked you for, including finding and making proposals for marketing clients, something you’d had to teach yourself just to be able to do the job. You lost your fight as tears start to run down your face. How could he say those things? You’d worked yourself mostly to death trying to make the situation work, and he thinks you’ve done nothing because you aren’t being paid? You choke back a sob, leave your apartment unlocked,  and just run. You run towards the woods and don’t look back. Branches whip at your skin as you break off the narrow walking path, just wanting to be as far away from everything that’s been causing you to nearly break. Finally, coming to a clearing, you drop to your knees and wail at the top of your lungs. Sobs wrack your form as you let out all the emotion that’s been building over the last months. You don’t like being vulnerable around others, so this is the only safe place you know where you can let everything out.

“Why?? Why am I fucking killing myself for someone who obviously doesn’t give a fuck about me?? Why . . . why am I here? Why am I trying so hard? . . . Why did I think I could do this?” You choke, your self doubt taking control. In all honesty, you couldn’t answer those questions. You’d long since seen a point in continuing to follow your dream career, maybe it was just better to get a regular job. You knew you’d hate it, but at least you knew your bills would be paid.

As your sobs quieted, you wiped your tears on your sleeves and slowly made your way back to your apartment. Nightfall had long since passed. When did it get dark? It didn’t really matter, as the numb feeling across your whole body makes it hard to care about much of anything. Locking your front door, you pull off your now dirt-stained clothes and take a deep breath. You didn’t really remember getting back to the apartment, or much since you left. You just wanted this to be over. For the stress to be gone. And more than anything, for support. You look upwards, and for the first time in years, you pray.

“Please, whoever’s listening, I don’t care. Please. PLEASE give me some encouragement. I can’t keep doing this, and I don’t even know if my dreams are worth it anymore. Please . . . Just send me a sign that I shouldn’t give up . . .” You fall ungracefully onto the bed, not bothering to put on the pajamas that lay on your floor. As you fall into a deep sleep, you fail to hear the soft, almost magical hum that floats through the air and miss the soft touch that brushes your temples. A tall figure kneels next to your bed as you start to toss and turn as your mind turns to nightmares.”

You bold upwards in bed, cold sweat drenching your body. You could have sworn that you felt someone’s presence. . . You rub your bleary, sleep-filled eyes as you look at your phone. 3:47am . . . what the hell were you doing awake? You know one thing, though, once you’re up, you need to get something to drink before you can sleep again. You padded towards your kitchen, but an unfamiliar scent stops you dead in your tracks. What was that . . . Fir trees, sandalwood and . . . leather? You cautiously take the last couple steps and peek around the corner. An unlit candle that had definitely NOT been bought by you sat on your counter on top of an emerald green envelope with “Dear Y/N” scrawled on it in an elegant cursive hand. Turning it over in your hand, you break the gold colored wax seal that depicts two snakes intertwined. Where have you seen that before?

Dear Y/N,

I am sorry to hear that you are not receiving the support or recognition that you deserve. I have learned in my long life that sometimes the only ones we can rely on is ourselves, and if these people do not support you, they are not worthy of your greatness. My Dear, your dream, your passion is always worth your efforts. Do it for you, because it is what you desire and you will succeed, I have no doubt. You are a strong, independent, intelligent person . . . for a mortal. Never doubt yourself, My Dear. Should you ever find yourself in need of one who can see your worth, then just light this candle. I wish you all the best in your pursuits and remember . . . You can do whatever you set your mind to. Until we meet . . .

Loki

The name was elegantly scrolled, even if the word choice was a bit odd. The entire letter . . . Loki. Who was he? How did this get in your kitchen? Your windows had been painted shut by the complex, and you were relatively sure you had locked the door behind you when you came back inside . . . Not that it mattered. The numb feeling didn’t seem to want to leave. You couldn’t even bring yourself to care about your own personal safety. Maybe a shower would help you relax enough to sleep. After the letter, you couldn’t bring yourself to crawl back into bed. Still . . . You eye the candle, your hands mindlessly tracing the paper in your hands. 

“Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad to have someone . . . I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? My bathroom doesn’t have any windows. There’s no way anyone could see it,”  you think to yourself as you grab the candle and head towards the bathroom.

The steam feels amazing on your skin already as you get the water near scalding in preparation for your shower. If you’re going to do this at 4am, you might as well do it right. You place your towels and bathrobe on the hook on the back of the bathroom door and glance at the candle. You still hadn’t really decided whether or not to light it. It was a deep green and scented like the forest that you ran into to escape the reality of life. That still didn’t account for the leather and sandalwood you’d smelled, though. Fuck it, at least if some random snuck into your bathroom, there was about a 50/50 chance that he’d just put you out of your misery. You flick your lighter and the familiar scent of pine fills the room. You sigh and step into the steam-filled stall, running your fingers through your hair.

“I really wish you wouldn’t think such things about yourself, Darling.”

You freeze as the deep voice fills the room. He spoke softly, almost as if he were your friend. You whip your head around to see a man in a black suit sitting on your toilet, directly across from the entrance to the shower. You almost want to scream but . . . 

“I . . . Do I know you? I mean I know I’ve never met you, but I feel like . . . I mean . . .” You fumble your words. The man’s sudden appearance should have been the thing to catch you off guard, but it was . . . Him. His features were somehow soft, yet stern at the same time. The green of his eyes almost perfectly matched the candle and stationary. His jawline was regal, just like his posture. The suit was well fitted, and you could vaguely make out the tone of his arms. Not to mention, those LEGS. The look of gentle worry that graced his features . . . for some reason, it put you at ease. 

Wait. The eyes. Could this be . . . “Loki?” Your voice is almost a whisper as you stand in the water’s heat, hands tucked gently against your chest. The man gave a soft smile, and what seemed like . . . Relief?

“Yes, My Dear. It’s me. I was worried you wouldn’t recognize me. I must say, I’m pleasantly surprised.” His voice was comforting, yet his tone was that of someone who was undoubtedly in charge. “I must apologize for the sudden entrance, I didn’t expect you to light that thing so soon.” You eyed the man, with both curiosity and apprehension. When you did not speak, he continued. “You are such a clever mortal, though I would guess that your waking memory doesn’t know much of your dreams.”

“N-no, I really don’t remember when I dream, but what does that have to do with anything? Why do you keep calling me ‘Mortal’? It’s almost as if you’re implying that you aren’t.” Loki smirks, one eyebrow raised.

“Little mortal, I am a God. You prayed, and I answered. Isn’t that what you wanted? ‘Whoever’s listening’, I believe, were your exact words?” You stand there, dumbfounded. “I have seen your nightmares and I must say, you are definitely a capable mortal. So determined. You have so much life in you, why would you give it up now?”

“I . . . I mean, if Darren doesn't see all the work I do, if he doesn’t think I’m valuable, then why should I try?”

“Then tell me, why does Mr. Albright deserve your efforts and your loyalty? What has he done? I see a large potential in you, My Dear, and I would like to offer you something. However, first I must confirm my suspicions. If I may?” Loki motions at your temples. After only a couple seconds of hesitation, you kneel in front of the God sitting in your bathroom. The pleased hum doesn’t escape your notice and you smile just faintly enough that you hope he didn’t see. 

Your eyes flash the moment Loki’s cold fingers touch your temple, and suddenly you’re back in your abuser’s house. 

It was winter, and he was drunk. He had lost his phone cord and blamed you he’s screaming, the bourbon on his breath obvious. 

“You’re a shit girlfriend! You’re a shit girlfriend now, and you were a shit girlfriend when I met you, that’s why you were single. Go die!!” As he pushes past you, he punches a hole in the wall, mere inches from your head. You fight to keep your face still and unfeeling, hoping that he’ll go back to his office and leave you to lock yourself in the guest room. 

The scene shifts, and you find yourself in that same guest room. 

You’re bracing against the locked door with all your body weight. No matter how heavy you try to make yourself, you can feel the door start to budge. You make the split second decision to unlock it and let him in, as it will be much worse on you if he has to break in. You retreat into your mind and try to tune him out as he rants and screams about his right to grab your throat. You had fought him in his office when he had grabbed you and tried to sexually assault you. You got away, but at what cost?

Scene after scene flashes before your eyes, each more traumatizing than the last. Finally, Loki comes back into focus in front of you. You hastily grab the trash can beside the toilet and heave into it, bile being the only thing in your system to come up. You cough, and you feel a gentle hand rub your back as you fight to regain your composure.

“Little mortal . . . You’ve been through so much. You are so strong, and are worthy of someone who can see your value. Stand.” You push yourself up, leaning on Loki for support as you steady your face, willing it to neutrality. He clicks his tongue in disapproval. “Now darling, we’ve moved quite a ways past that. Shower.” You step into the stall, feeling the warmth wash over you. “May I?” The God reaches for the shampoo bottle on the floor of the shower, seemingly unbothered by his suit getting wet. You sit obediently near the shower’s door, and he sits behind you, gently massaging the product into your hair. He takes gentle care to not pull or scrub too hard. You rinse when he tells you to, and hand him the conditioner. As he works the second product into your hair, he sighs. “I did not realize the extent of your abuse. You did not deserve what that ant of a man did to you. Please, take your own wants and needs into consideration when you hear my offer.” 

You chew your lip, unsure of how to respond. Do you even remember how to do things for yourself? You could take care of your own necessities, but this is different. When was the last time you’d done something just because you’d wanted to?

“I . . . I don’t even know what I need, much less want. Not anymore.” Your eyes never leave the floor of the shower. Loki’s movements don’t falter as he carefully chooses his words.

“Darling, I have been inside your mind. I know your wants, your needs, your fears and desires, your passions and your sorrows. You want someone to dominate you, but not for the thrill or gratification. No, your desire is much less selfish than that. You desire trust. You want to trust someone enough that you feel confident handing over control. To trust that they have your best interests at heart, and will always act with your needs taken into account. Rinse.” You stand, silently mulling what he says over in your mind.

“And what if you’re wrong? What if I want to be the one with the reins?” He chuckles, a small smile playing his lips. 

“Then, Y/N, take those wants into account when you make your decision. However, I can guarantee I am not wrong. You would give up control so willingly if someone had your wellbeing in mind. Just like you did for me. With the shower.”

Goddammit. He was right. You hadn’t even realized what you were doing. Was he telling the truth? Could your outlook be so skewed that basic care and consideration is all you really want? 

“Well then, Darling, now it is time for your choice. Come with me. I’ve been watching your drive and your passion for some time, and you are worthy of my attention. Of my care. Come with me, and let me earn the trust that you so crave to share with another being. I promise, you’ll be safe with a God.” You blink in disbelief. Is he offering you a way out? A way to get away from Darren, from the bills, from not always knowing where your next meal was coming from? Was this truely a fresh start?

“And what if I’m not strong enough to build that trust? What if I’m too far gone?” Your voice is soft, uncertain. Loki gently cups your chin and tilts your head up, forcing you to look at him.

“Darling, I know you can do it. You can come back from whatever dark place those undeserving insects have left you. You are so, very strong . . . For a Mortal.” You beam and take Loki’s hand. As his Seidr envelops you in a green glow, you think for the first time in forever that maybe, just possibly, everything might be alright.

[dinitride-art]

Blood and Water and The Upside Down

Okay, some thoughts I’m having on watergate here. I recently rewatched the first like ten minutes of S1:E1 and ooooh it’s got some stuff going on.

Like it opens up on stars, which sounds pretty babygirl ur the Venus to me- and it’s also got the yellow, blue, red and white cars in the parking lot outside of Hawkins lab. But that stuff is just some other things I noticed while watching it. What really got me is when the scientist man was running away from the demogorgon… or was it even the demogorgon? We see him lift into the air and struggle which reminds me more of Vecna than someone’s head being bitten off. Also when he presses the elevator button it lights up blue- and he’s wearing a blue shirt and has a blue pen and a blue clip thing. Like he’s covered in blue.

Then we move to the wheelers and the first shot we get is a sprinkler going off outside the house. From the literal start of the series there is implications of something to do with water and the supernatural. We then go into the basement and to Mike who’s saying,

“Somethings coming. Something that hungers for blood. A shadow grows out of the wall behind you, swallowing you in darkness. It is almost here.”

We know that this whole game foreshadows Will going missing- but it’s also the start of the series. I think that this game has elements that foreshadow further into the show as well. Specifically I want to look at the word blood.

90% of blood plasma (55% of the blood) is water. There’s about 5 litres of blood in the average person. So that’s a significant amount of water just in the blood (I didn’t do the math but it’s like more than a litre). The entire body is 45-75% water. And bloods about 10% ish of the body’s weight. The human body has a lot of water in it.

When the demogorgon attacks it bites off peoples heads. In the neck there are the carotid arteries. Those bad boys don’t stop bleeding very easily. We also saw with Bob in Hawkins lab in season two that the demogorgons were tearing into his chest/ the place with the most blood circulating at any given time. Bloods just bouncing all up an around in the heart (I mean this literally because it does a thing where it has a weird turn around in circulation that’s fun and funky… and very necessary to getting blood the places it needs to go). In season three the mind flayer just started exploding things into bones and tissue to make a very scary recreation of itself out of living matter. Season four we’ve got the bats in the Upside Down. They’ve got fangs and are biting into people left and right.

Season four is also where we see that the Upside Down version of lovers lake is empty. And that there is one of the four gates in lovers lake that opens up. The water falls down through the gate and presumably into the Upside Down. There’s also so much more imagery with water though out the whole series that is connected both to danger, life and the Upside Down.

One specific one is the blood donation poster in Max’s hospital room. It’s red and yellow and says something like don’t be afraid give blood. When Vecna trances people their blood is pushed out from their eyes- because he’s exploding their brains I guess. But blood also does similar things when El uses her powers. Blood is everywhere and it’s full of water and maybe the Upside Down is just that plant from little shop of horrors and it’s thirsty.

[writermuses]

Whether Raleigh meant to draw a visceral reaction from Lale with his sharp tone, it had happened anyways. Lale paled, snapping her arms around her middle. It had been quite some time since her father had passed away and she hadn't missed the man that had caused her hearing loss. Her mother and step-family tore her apart in other ways. Since settling in to Boston, working at the library, her quiet life hadn't hadn't had as many snapping moments of terror and she'd even stopped flinching at a clattering of books. "I know," Lale started, hardly above a whisper, "I know I owed you more than a conversation. We were so young, Raleigh. I was scared..." She was still scared, possibly more than ever before. "And a coward. Not telling you, disappearing... it wasn't fair, I'm sorry."

She quieted, not expecting him to say anything else about the past, both of them aware that an apology wasn't enough nor would it change the current circumstances. "The surgery is in the morning. With how fast tumors can grow in kids, they do scans all the time but warned me there could be more by the time of the surgery. They're going to remove one kidney and go from there. If it's spread they'll let us know while they're in surgery. They said they might have to do a partial removal and reconstruction of the other if there is more cancer there." She leaned over the screen a little stopping at the words partial nephrectomy. "That's what that's talking about. After they see what's going on they'll decide on chemo which would attack cells all over her body or radiation which would be lasers or whatever to her lower stomach... umm, localized. Then she can be on a waitlist for a kidney transplant. She might need to be on dialysis, but they said not to worry about that until after the surgery."

"I'm not in a place to say no to help. I just... I can figure it out. You don't have to feel obligated." Lale had done everything she could to make ends meet before their daughter was sick. Now she had donated plasma, would give Lily her own kidney if she could. Debt was simply something Lale had to live with for the sake of Lily getting whatever she needed to heal. "The surgery is scheduled for six in the morning. They pushed it back so that they could rest after another surgery they'd had today. I don't think they'll push it back again."

"She couldn't have made you get an abortion if you had come to me instead." His voice is sharp, words rushing forward without thought, and even through the cloud of hurt shrouding his thoughts, he realizes that it isn't fair. The relationship she has with her family is complicated, and that is a pain he knows too well. "It was worth a conversation with me." When she turns away, it is easier for him to find her eyes. That way, she can't catch any other emotion that flashes over his expression--specifically the longing that is entwined with his hurt. Having no closure made it hard to move on, and having walked back into Lale's life without warning means he certainly wasn't prepared for the surge of emotion that has enveloped him since this morning.

Her phone is accepted without question, hands wrapping around the worn case and his pointer finger running along the edge of the sticker. Both are noted without mention as his attention comes to the cracked screen and the information communicated beyond it. "You didn't chase me down at all," he says. "And I haven't done anything. She's my daughter, too." The words are foreign on his tongue, but he sits taller.

There is more silence as he scrolls through each document, attempting to take in as much information as he understands. In reality, each one leaves him with more questions and by the end, he doesn't know where to start. It is all big dollar amounts and medical talk and diagrams and risks and treatment options-- "What... does all of this mean?" He is slow to look up. The phone is not yet handed over. "This is a lot of money, Lale." For anyone. He is lucky enough to have the resources to make it work, including the best insurance the league's money can buy, but even putting the cost aside, the emotional drain that Lale has had to deal with on her own is obvious in her heavy shoulders, her rushed words. "I see... what you've done for her, but I need you to let me help with this. Please. What is the plan? What is the surgery tomorrow going to do?"

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

last night in one of my story dreams the new big thing was to sell some kind of fluid from your body to corporations who made it seem like a fun and easy way to get quick cash. when asked directly what the effects on the seller were, the corporate spokespeople smiled and said, well, the difference is so slight it’s really hard to tell!! but we’re offering such and such a deal for a limited time!!

and people who were really hard put got the app on multiple phones so they could just sell and sell and sell. one guy in my dream died from selling so much because it was winter and he’d lost his job and he had to take care of his family somehow.

anyway in the dream (as I often am in our escalating dystopia in real life) I was like “this is too over the top”

but then I woke up and I remembered blood plasma and how basically everyone i know irl has “donated” (sold their plasma) as a routine thing, only stopping if the side effects just become too much or if something changed to make them less desperate. I don’t know of anyone who’s DIED from it but that’s the major difference from my dream.

and I mentioned this to a middle class person I know bc how fucking ridiculous that i dreamed a dystopia that’s real this time!!

and it turns out she doesn’t know a single person (besides me) who’s ever tried to donate blood plasma. she didn’t know that the centres are placed in poor neighborhoods throughout america, that it’s marketed as this like easy fun (they have like wifi and stuff) way to earn $50 in two hours doing nothing but fucking around on your phone. she didn’t know that they then sell the plasma for a huge markup to medical corps who will use it to make a huge profit on what THEY paid for it - making products the people whose blood they used will probably never be able to access if they need it.

like everything i told her about it was news, bc they’re not targeting her friends and family for this. the fact that the “safeguards” to make sure you don’t “donate” too much are easily circumvented by desperate people, that some people quit donating because they lose too much weight (in a bad way, don’t get ideas, you lose muscle) or feel too weak too long after or find the cost of replacing the lost calories makes it not worth it.

like this is mosly pretty common knowledge among the poors I know but only cos we’re the ones being targeted for it, we’re the ones whose friends have the stories of that time they broke the rules and donated too often and passed out driving to work after even though they’d never passed out before in their life - “so make sure you eat something immediately, it helps!”

we’re the ones who know you gotta avoid certain techs because they’ll fuck something up and so and so had this horrible reaction to like a misplaced line and had to go to the er two days later after the tech and receptionist both said don’t worry about it, the swelling will go down... and the tech’s still working there after the complaint that no medical assistance was offered at all

idk i don’t have a point except this is severely fucked and it’s apparently somewhat invisiblised. do non poors know that poor people are very literally selling necessary body parts to survive? like even donating within the easily-circumvented guidelines makes people more tired and feel weak, it’s noticeable for a lot of people, and it’s just a normal thing to do for a lot of people.

like idk how people think this isn’t a fucking dystopia and that the way things are is just fine and normal... people should not be forced to sell their necessary fucking body parts for the spending money. people shouldn’t be put in situations that desperate. people shouldn’t be denied access to medical help their lifeblood literally helped create bc they can’t provide profits on that end of the process as well.

although - oh! I almost forgot - remember when a while back we found out that some of this plasma was being used as a quack "treatment” to keep rich people young?? LITERALLY A DYSTOPIAN NOVEL.

(like that bit sounds like a conspiracy theory bc there ARE a lot of conspiracy theories abt that mostly involving antisemitic blood libel myths but apparently some capitalists took the conspiracy theories as inspiration bc it’s actually something multiple capitalists sat down and decided to try to make money off of.)

[thisisrachel]

what i learned in 2021

1. do not procrastinate on things you need to get done. it will only stress you out more. ask someone to help you accomplish the task no matter how small if that’s what you need, but either way- do it as soon as you think about it

2. it doesn’t matter where you are it’s who you’re with. i may have gotten this from Aquamarine, but it’s never been more true

3. learn to be comfortable on your own. being your own best friend and taking yourself on dates, doing things alone is such a power and i am realizing how dependent i am.

4. take good risks! my favorite teacher taught me this and i am still learning it. taking risks is so scary but so worth it

5. budget budget budget. being a grown up is damn hard

6. cherish your family. it took my grandma dying for my whole family to be in one room again and we haven’t been together in almost a year since then. but text them and call them and let them know you’re thinking of them.

7. give more hugs HHUGS ALWAYS i don’t care if your love language isn’t physical touch. hugs are the best

8. airplanes suck, air fryers don’t. they don’t have anything to do with each other yet everything to do with each other. invest in a good airplane pillow

9. prioritize your health. when you feel it slipping don’t keep that habit going. find something to change it, bc you will only feel worse down the line. you will never regret starting it asap

10. you are still beautiful even when he doesn’t like you anymore

11. get over breakups fast it doesn’t matter in the long run and you’ll be ok i PROMISE. it is the absolute worst thing and you won’t feel like you can cry any harder than you are but you will be ok

12. mcdonald’s fries im sorry

13. do stuff that scares you and get out of your comfort zone. this is so important! my teacher told us our hw every weekend was to do something we have never done before and i’ve never cherished a professor’s words more.

14. crying will NOT WIN HIM BACK. cry all you want but don’t let him know HE DOesnt CARE THAT MUCH. not to be mean because he does care for you, but crying won’t change the fact that you are broken up. stop overthinking and wondering “what if” or “if i had only been __”. that will not change the outcome. you were meant to break up or not be together at this time.

15. appreciate where you are when you’re there. you won’t know how much you’ll miss it until you’re gone. it’s such a beautiful life.

16. donate plasma- you’ll get invite to married couples’ poker nights and get $1000

17. black bean crunchwrap supreme

18. keep contact with long distance friends. i’ve come to learn this as i get more and more into adulthood. you no longer just have friend in your county. you have friends all over the world and that in and of itself is amazing

19. weddings are so fun go help at all of them! cater them, serve the bride and groom and dance when no one else is, help dj, serve the cake, be the only one to catch the bride’s bouquet, and stay to help clean up at the end

20. buying a car sucks. appreciate your father

21. tinsel in your hair. that’s all you need

22. there is someone sweet everywhere you turn in life- find it!

[wack-ashimself]

When you donate plasma for money, you are a cow being milked...

a-you are inspected like livestock.

b-you have to be JUST healthy enough to do it.

c-if you have ANY legit reason even 90% of the way thru for stopping, you get NOTHING.

d-they put all your money on a card that has a fee to take money out at most places, has a fee for no being used enough, and is not accepted everywhere being IT IS NOT FUCKING CASH.

e-they make 1000x off what they pay you.

f-donation implies choice. I would DONATE my blood for free, but if you're using my plasma to make FOR PROFIT medicine, GIVE ME MONEY BITCH! I ain't donating nothing to big pharm.

g-they make you sit on a table, pumping your fist, listening to shit music.

h-they do not care about you. they do the bare minimum to legally cover their asses (like EVERY businesses).

i-the incentive bonuses? You mean trick other people into coming so you get a bump, or if you donate in a certain time period, you could win a tv, or if you donate so many times within a month, you get a cash (card) bonus? so bribery?

I say all this cuz for the first time in a year, I am thinking of selling my body. It's the holidays, I have no job, I need this. Cuz that's a great motivator: having nothing or give up your body.

[rabbithaver]

I know how you feel. Being a disabled adult who has to rely on their parents fucking sucks. Feeling like a failure and a burden, even though it's not the case. Is money a little tight since they're helping you out? Possibly. However, they love you so much they're willing to do it. They would much rather have less money than see you living under a bridge starving to death. The only way you can fail them and be a burden is if you stop trying. And I think you're trying really hard.

Since you don't have an income I can give you some(albeit basic) advice when it comes to the ssi/disability process. (If you've already tried a couple times, you probably already know them)

If you aren't afraid of needles and don't have certain medical conditions (mostly ones that affect the immune system) you could also donate plasma. The typical income from plasma is about $60 or more a week.

I hope this helps ❤️

this is insanely reassuring, thank you. maybe ive just been disappointing my parents for so long that it really feels like its all im capable of. theyve told me that they love me and that they dont mind taking care of me, but yoiu know how it is. the depression brain says that theyre lying. i am really lucky to have them

im defintiely saving ths in my reference tag. i would super appreciate some advice on the SSI stuff.

i actually used to have a massive phobia of needles, but i'm fine with them now. as part of my pain management, i routinely need to get nerve block injections in my spine, and they have to sedate me for that. i can even watch the nurses put the IV in, it's cool to watch. i never considered donating plasma, though! i'll definitely give that a thought!

[feminist-space]

"That nephew is the one who was unknowingly infected, thinking a slight cough was the byproduct of working in construction.

Before the party, he played golf with a few family members who also attended the event, according to Barbosa.

Even though everyone did their best to stay socially distant, Barbosa said it wasn't enough.

"It wasn't that long. It was only a couple of hours," Barbosa, a volunteer EMT said. "But during that brief time, somehow the other 18 family members are now infected with COVID."

Barbosa, who is also married to a doctor, said he and his wife refused to go to the party due to safety reasons.

However, it was a party that by current state health standards appeared harmless. A total of 25 people attended, and not all of them arrived and stayed for the same duration.

"When people started getting sick, we really let everyone have it," Barbosa said. "We knew this was going to happen, I mean this whole time this has been going on we've been terrified."

Among those infected are two young children, two grandparents, a cancer patient and Barbosa's parents, who are in their 80s.

Three are now hospitalized: Barbosa's parents Frank and Carole, along with his sister Kathy, who is battling breast cancer.

Kathy, per Barbosa, is recovering and feeling better, despite contracting the virus while simultaneously undergoing chemo treatments.

He says she went to the party and got infected, even though she was socially distanced outside on a porch.

But Barbosa's parents are in a much tougher situation.

Frank and Carole are highschool sweethearts and have been married almost 68 years.

Barbosa said it's likely Carole infected Frank after she stopped by the party to drop something off.

Carole has been hospitalized since June 13, and Frank has been in a hospital since June 17.

Frank is in the ICU and is on life support. Barbosa told WFAA that he is inches away from being put on a ventilator.

"My dad's hanging on by a thread," Barbosa said. "They're saying this is one of the last straws for my dad."

Visitation is mostly restricted, meaning calls to Barbosa's parents are vital.

"That's really the best medicine. You know they're in there by themselves with no family," Barbosa said holding back tears. "It's heartbreaking."

Need for Plasma

Barbosa told WFAA that his father is in need of blood plasma from recovered COVID-19 patients, who have established antibodies.

However, Barbosa said that doctors have informed him that there's not a lot of it right now.

On Facebook, a plea for help from Barbosa was answered by a few firefighters once infected with COVID-19, who were willing to donate.

But he quickly learned that they couldn't donate their plasma for one specific person because there was a shortage.

WFAA is now researching if that's the case with blood banks across the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

In the meantime, Barbosa is using the phrase 'Frank Alert' to raise awareness about the need for more blood plasma with COVID-19 antibodies.

"If you've recovered...go donate your plasma," Barbosa said.

Other than his sister and parents, Barbosa said that his family is mostly recovering.

In just a matter of weeks, they've gone through multiple emotions in this COVID-19 cautionary tale -- starting with anger.

"We were horrified. People couldn't believe that they took it to a family member," Barbosa said."

https://www.wfaa.com/article/news/north-texas-family-shaken-after-18-relatives-test-positive-for-covid-19-following-surprise-birthday-party/287-ea8960ea-4c3c-40c1-b75e-f4437fe6f836

[stumbleintothesun]

Life Rant

For the few people in here...sorry lmao this is long as hell.

Lately I've been feeling like...garbage. I know there's no one on this place that really follows me, so this is me posting to the void.

I have been dealing with a lot of health issues related to my mental health and weight. I've gained nearly twenty pounds in a year, and no matter what I do my weight doesn't budge. I work out regularly, Ive been trying to eat better but...my only thought is its because I'm working a desk job now - which I fucking hate with a fury. And I know my weight isnt the end of the world - it just really, really fucks with my mental health. I've always felt ugly. The only time I didn't was when I was super thin which I know is problematic - and I know that's part of my mental health...like my aunt died from an ED. And my mom definitely had/has an ED even if she's gotten much better about it in the past few years...

And I'm finally getting my face to clear up after wearing these masks for a year - a year! But I'm still dealing with the healing process and I'm anxious it will scar. I've worked this entire pandemic at a job I *hate* just to you know, finally pay off my student loans just go back to school so maybe I can do something I love. But even at 25 and providing for myself, I hardly got any financial help. The only thing saving me is my grades that got me a decent transfer scholarship.

But the first school I applied to wanted my high school transcript, even though I have an associate's degree, and because I'm, frankly, stupid I somehow missed that they needed it. So they threw out my application that I spent an otherwise four hours writing for.

So I'm going to Eastern, which frankly will be better for my mental health, but they don't have a tuition free program. So I'm going to have to borrow money after just finally paying off my single year at a liberal arts college debt that I took on when I was 17 (it ended up being like 30k to pay off). And it's all because I didn't fucking read right. So much for being a good student, I guess.

But it wouldn't have mattered because they would've hardly taken any of my classes despite most of them being from down the road and for an associate's degree! And even Eastern is giving me a hard time, despite my degree they say I don't have the basic level biology course - my degree is biology focused! I'm going into ecology! I have taken genetics, conservation biology, anatomy and physiology, cellular biology but I don't have intro bio? So now I have to test out, on top of working full time. Which is fine, its a good refresher...I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. I have a stack of over 100 flash cards and I'm just anxious.

This is a year after my partner went through an ugly break up with their old fiance (we were poly), and their ex was an abusive POS who once told them if they came out as anything other than their assigned gender, he wouldn't date them anymore. He gaslit them constantly, made them feel like hell. So we finally got out, but he wanted the house they got together or 10k. He made over double what they make - and he always forced them to pay half the bills, including half of his fucking protein bullshit because it was "groceries." He knew they didn't have the funds. Because our friends are amazing, we were able to buy him off but he left the house trashed.

It fucking sucked, and they were also responsible for getting his name off the house which meant a refinance that we could hardly afford. We got lucky we were able to do it, but they hardly got anything back for it. And it was a *nightmare*. We finally got it done, after pulling teeth and it took six months. Four months longer than they said. And that entire time they were forced to occasionally reach out to him, their old abuser.

Finally we were free, but then I started having further issues at work. Between the pandemic, and working in a heavily red area during the election, I cried a lot. I work in customer service and while I make okay money for the industry, I'm constantly burned out. My colleagues are okay, but it feels stupid to leave just to find a job for three months to go back to school. Then I started being short in my drawer (I'm a teller at a bank). The final straw was being short $500. Now I'm on a work plan, and if Im short again, I'm out. And it's my fault. I don't know how it has been happening. So now I'm always on edge at work, triple checking everything. And I could leave, I could get another job but there's no promise I'll make what I do now, and in order for me to pay for the chunk of school I need to, I have to put away a certain amount every month.

I do have a grant of sorts for 5k per semester to help with bills, which will alleviate a lot once August arrives. And I know I'm crazy lucky to have that. So sometimes I feel like such an asshole about it. But we have a house to pay for and bills to pay. Just like everyone else. Ugh, I don't know.

I talked to my doctor about my weight, came in with calorie intake numbers and how much I work out with zero change. I cut out pop entirely from drinking it every day. Nothing has helped. So we switched my meds from Lexapro to Wellbutrin to see if I lose weight because of that. Nope, just having more mental break downs, steady weight, and my resting heart rate is abnormally high, stopping me from making a little extra cash donating plasma. So now I'm switching back to Lexapro with nothing gained other than. You know. Feeling like shit. Next up? Birth control coming out of my arm. Don't really need it anyway. And maybe that will help? But I don't think so. I'm not sure what to do.

I am genuinely trying to be healthy, eating more whole foods. More veggies. More home cooked meals. I love to cook, I'm just tired. And sometimes the air fryer and oven baked frozen foods are too easy to pass up. I'm trying to always eat breakfast. I'm working out again, we have a gym membership but there are so many men there and I dont always feel comfortable, because my partner has been anemic and they can't go yet. So I use our bike in the living room and do home workouts.

But when I did this last time there was zero change in weight or anything. Even when I ate really, really clean for three weeks and worked out for most days, tracking calories and everything. Nothing changed. My thyroid is fine, we've already checked it. I'm just tired.

This past year, other than being with my partner has fucking sucked. And this doesn't even cover all the shit they've dealt with with switching to they/them and a name change. I love them so much, and love that they are finally comfy but their parents were assholes about it. And that matters. It does, and I get it. I just wish I could help them more. I wish we had a break, a breather for longer than a day. Even then I can't relax, I'm too on edge. There's too much to be done. I need to earn money, I need to clean, I need to focus. I need to be productive in some way to justify if I'm not working on those things. It's...all dumb.