#but i need this program bc i have like three classes that need me to use it but i only have access it on the school computer labs

[rubberbandballqueen]

the best part abt being enrolled in a calculus iii course is that it means i finally passed calculus ii. i have been enrolled in no less than FOUR different calculus ii courses, three of which failed to work out for various reasons, and literally NONE of this (calculus ii being a necessary course for me to take in college) would have happened had it not been for NUMEROUS FACTORS beyond my control but it's fine it's cool i'm learning NEW MATH for the FIRST TIME in FOUR YEARS and i am LIVING

[penisbutterjellytime]

respond to my message sir, sir I need this crack version of the program to work to do my projects sir

[raiii-bee]

fuck this stupid baka life

[preserve-or-raze]

my tags got out of hand

i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.

and that should be fine; but it's never fine.

i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.

for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.

we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.

i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.

restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.

[north-wilkesboro-moonshine-cave]

okay my one bitchy little personal post about the mess. Jesus fucking Christ why do I have to be in graduate school at the most annoying possible time.

[murderballadeer]

hi hello you like ethnomusicology???? tell me more

hi yes i do!! i study anthropology in school, my uni doesn't have an ethnomusicology program or rly any classes in it (there's i think one in the college of music but i couldn't get into it bc i'm not a music major and to be a music major you need to do auditions and stuff) so anthro was as close as i could get, in the fall i'm starting an honours thesis where i'll be analyzing three murder ballads based on historical events in 19th century north carolina to compare the common structural elements (ie plot structures and character archetypes) applied to those narratives retroactively through oral traditions. outside of formal research tho i've always had an interest in folk music, oral traditions, etc just on a kind of armchair/amateur level hence the #recreational ethnomusicology tag on my blog which is posts abt some of the casual research i've done abt songs that interest me, my little musings on the topic and the occasional joke :)

[bigtreefest]

Hi Essie!

I was just reading your post on your application and this is just a thought -- you don't have to respond at all if you don't like this idea!! this idea is purely my CPH4 brain talking I swear I have nothing to do with this lol

So, a young man (okay maybe not so young he was born four years ahead of you according to his page in the uni website ) with some very serious frowning becomes your thesis supervisor at the end of the term. He taught one lesson that you attended and you didn't know him very well besides his name. He rarely speaks, always listening to your presentation/answer, and very occasionally asking "do you have any questions for me?"

Nevertheless, you have impressive GPA and at the end of that term, you decided to apply for a PhD. You already have two letters of recommendation, one from a professor that you have known for two years during your Master's, one from a professor that supervised your Bachelor thesis and teaching a few courses that you attended.

But this damn Graduate School that you want to get in requires THREE. THREE FUCKING RECOMMENDATION LETTERS. And it specifically requires the letter from your dissertation supervisors.

You ask, not with much hope, your current supervisor, the lecturer with a very serious frowning look on his face, whether he could provide you a letter of recommendation.

To which he responded, texting back in a matter of seconds.

-Ofc. When do you need it? Send your transcripts btw.

NOW, the question is: Is he

or

or

----I just thought it'd be hilarious if he's very serious during class and meetings while he's basically any 20-somethings when texting you and discussing things that he shouldn't be sharing with you (like the content of your recommendation letter, or the fact that three recommendation letters is absolutely worthless even though he's providing one for you, or that because another professor is cranky and possibly stealing work from their students, you def shouldn't be choosing him as your doctor supervisor)

Oh I absolutely adore this ask! Thank you so much for sending this in, I unfortunately know the hierarchy of academia too well which is why I honestly think I would be rolling my eyes at these standards, too. I took the prompt and ran with it. 😂

I wanna talk about the other two options before I get to my choice. All below the cut bc it’s long.

Let’s discuss Ari:

Throughout Ari’s undergrad degree, he played football and was greatly interested in world policies, so everyone thought once his sports career and degree was over, he’d be ready to get out there. Nope. He really wasn’t sure where to start, so instead, he decided to keep going with schooling.

His grades were just good enough for him to get into the program you were applying to now. Varsity athletics looked great on the application and his charm was the extra boost. Now that he’s in it though, it’s been almost seven years instead of the usual four to five. Part of it is him going in without much of a plan, wanting to try every avenue, while the other is him just not caring enough to push further and just finish the degree. He’s getting paid just enough to get by and no one has threatened to kick him out, so he enjoys the coasting and the free time it gives for him to look into his actual passions.

Part of the PhD program is all of the grad students sitting in a room grading exams of undergrads every few weeks, and during this, Ari really shows his personality. They have to sit there for hours on end, and it can get boring, so Ari will tell stories to the kid next to him to pass the time, except the room is so quiet that everyone hears. These will range from the various dates with odd girls, to that time he saw a video of someone cooking salmon in the dishwasher, so he tried it out. “It was pretty decent. I swear it’s Kosher! I would do it again if it didn’t take so long.”

Any time he gets trusted to teach, which is rare since his advisor doesn’t really want it in order to guarantee the kids are being taught correct content, questions are not answered very well. It’s either with a “hell if I know. Use google. That’s how they do it in the real world.” Or “wait for the professor to get back. This isn’t my expertise.” Both technically valid, but not what a younger student wants to hear from someone in a position of authority.

Star Student Steve:

Steve was born for upper-level studies. He’s been ready to graduate essentially since getting into the program, knowing exactly what he wanted to research right off the bat. He knows all the content well and is well-liked by students and professors alike. The undergrads have a habit of ogling him and crowding his office hours, so you never even bothered to go. Pending his early graduation, he’s already been offered a job at the university with a full federal research grant, which he could use to travel or gain equipment for his projects. He’s probably considering this, unless one of the prime companies/agencies gives him a better offer. He can’t wait for the opportunity to make new rules and discoveries in the field, just needs to find the best route to get him there. (Talk about a CPH4 brain, haha)

With all of this going on, though, he doesn’t have time for much else. Sure, he’s very kind, but he’s always on the move. Students are not his first priority right now if he wants everything in place to be successful and make history. When it comes to picking an advisor, everyone wants Steve, but after hearing all that, and the standard he might hold you to without giving you the time of day to reach that level, do you really want him?

My wonderful choice Curtis:

(Even before I saw my options, this description was screaming ‘Curtis’ to me.)

He’s definitely the kind of silent student who puts his head down and does his work because it’s difficult stuff. Some may say it’s even more difficult than Steve’s if they knew what Curtis actually did, but he’s so silent and keeps it to himself unless he’s asked. It’s not because he doesn’t want to share, it’s more because when he’s interacting with students, he understands his job is to help them first and foremost. Although Curtis may have been busy, he never rushed and made sure his full attention was on the task or person at hand.

All the Professors know Curtis and really like him for his work ethic and ability to maintain balance and remain a grounded person, except he’s just not a poster boy like Steve. For this reason, his advisor trusts him enough to teach certain classes since Curtis parses out his time well and not only knows the content, but cares about it deeply. At the end of his lectures, though, when he asks for questions, it’s radio silence. Perhaps it’s because he taught the material so well, but even Steve and Ari get the odd question about their research or last Sunday’s football game. Curtis gets disinterested stares until he dismisses everyone. Office hours are pretty quiet, too, until right around exam time when a few students come to him for help since everywhere else was so full. After seeing how helpful he is, yourself included, they keep going back to him, keeping it to themselves, though, keeping him their hidden secret gem.

The lack of recognition Curtis gets is a shame, though, because he’s so nice. Actually, not just nice, but genuinely kind. When you were assigned with him as your advisor, you weren’t really sure what to do. Not many talked about him and the stoic demeanor was a little intimidating, until you actually spoke with each other. He was so sweet and engaged, asking you questions and providing guidance not only on what he thought might work the best, but how to go about it and how to properly convey ideas to the committee panel members at the end. He gave you his phone number, too, in case you needed any help at all, saying he’d pick up anytime.

When you asked him for your letter of recommendation, he was elated. “No one has ever come to me for that before, but ofc. When do you need it? Send your transcripts btw. And your resume.”

Curtis was right, though, he had never had to be the voice of authority vouching on someone’s behalf since up until this point, he was in your exact shoes. “Don’t be nervous to ask questions, but I also don’t want you to think that I’ve got all the answers and you’re not good enough. The only difference between you and me academically is like four classes content-wise. I just have more hands-on experience.” He said it with a soft, reassuring smile that really put you at ease.

He’s aware of the system, and of course he hates it, because he knows what it’s like to be at the bottom. Throughout his time putting together your recommendation, he’s messaging you with updates. “I’m going to add this because they really like to see it specifically highlighted,” or “I’m not even sure what they’re asking here, but it’s fucking stupid if you ask me. Conventions like this are ridiculous. I hate that these decisions are made by people who aren’t even on the ground. If they actually took part in this program, they’d see you’re more than qualified to get into it. But no, for some reason, all important decisions are made by old people so far removed from actual work.”

That second one was in person, though. It wouldn’t look good to have him saying those things in writing. He rolls his eyes before switching back to his reassuring, charming self.

“Anyway, don’t worry. I’ll make sure it’s good.”

And then as he sits down to write, he constantly sends you lines from it. “Does this sound too braggy? Am I hyping up your work too much? I feel like it wouldn’t be fair if I was casual about it, but we’re rocking with a lot of enthusiasm right now and idk where the line is where it’ll seem insincere.😅”

You tend to hang around Curtis a lot while you’re working on finishing up. On small work breaks, he tells you about the weird little things the other PhD students have sent to his email. “I’m what, four years older than you? And so are these other guys, but I swear they act like they’re twelve.” It helps you to laugh at his small little complaints in a time of building stress. He lets you into his life and you see he’s a normal person, just a few years older than you. He’s the whole reason you know about Ari and the dishwasher salmon, and he helps to break down the barriers you feel against everyone in his program that seems to know so much. Half of your conversation is weird everyday things about his life you’re sure no one else has given him the space to talk about. “You texted me while I was watching the hockey game, they were losing anyway so I was grateful to do something else.” He was in the city…at the actual hockey game…drinking a beer and scrolling emails…. Or “my apartment has a no pet policy, but my roommate got a cat, so I hope you don’t mind the little guy joining us today. Just while the landlord does some maintenance so we don’t get kicked out.” He’s half shuffling through the papers on his desk, half giving you an amused smile thinking of the whole situation. Of course, it can’t all be personal, though, so he continues to sprinkle advice in here and there.

“Also, if you wanna keep your sanity around here, keep away from Levinson’s advisor. Not only is he just straight-up a ridiculous man, but he won’t push you if he likes you. And if he hates you, you’ll know it a mile away. That’s why I never chose him for my committee meeting.”

As you prepare to defend your thesis, Curtis is sitting with you in the hallway. He’s been prepping you for this presentation for weeks, but for peace of mind, he asks you potential questions as you wait to be called in. He holds a paper copy of your thesis, saying once again “you’ve got this. Just like the rehearsals. No one knows this stuff better than you. Show them that.” As you stand in front of the small crowd, he gives you a thumbs-up and watches with approving nods as your blow it out of the water.

He gives you a big hug when you pass and an even bigger hug when you stop by the small TA office and visit his desk to tell him about your official spot in the PhD program. “I can’t wait to work together more with you. You’re going to do great things, I know it, and I’m proud to be a part of it.”

[kiki-strike]

hi would you mind tellin me what ed ward was like? i might have to go there at some point and im scared also sorry if im phrasing it wrong and also also if you're more comfy dming or not answering at all thats fine

Hi yes I can!! And you can dm me if you want or send another ask if you have more questions :)

So there’s two kinds of 24-hour ED care, inpatient and residential. Inpatient is usually inside of a hospital, sometimes integrated with the psych ward (hence “ed ward”). This is where people that aren’t medically stable go (think serious heart conditions, people who flat-out refuse to eat, people who need to be in a locked ward to be safe). I haven’t been to inpatient ed, so I can’t say much on that subject. I do know that you typically stay in inpatient much shorter than residential.

I was in residential for four months. Usually ED treatment takes longer than treatment for depression and such and it’s not uncommon for people to go into residential more than once, but it’s pretty rare for residential to last more than six months. It’s expected that you’ll do a step-down plan which means after you leave res you’ll do a PHP and an IOP (PHP is when you live at home but go to programming during the day, usually 40-60hrs a week with all meals there, and IOP is usually half a day 2-3 times a week).

My res was three houses in a neighborhood (not in a row) and we would all go to the biggest house during the day. There was usually 2-3 group therapy sessions and 2-3 classes (DBT skills, nutrition, etc) per day, every day (inc weekends). We spent the rest of our time doing leisure stuff and eating.

Meals took up a HUGE portion of the day because we got half an hour for each meal, and then there was another half hour for supplements, plus 15 minutes for snacks and 15 minutes for snack supplements, so that amounts to… 4.5 hours every day. The way meals worked was each person got their own plate, to their own needs (some people got tiny amounts bc refeeding, some people got huge amounts bc restoration, etc). You got to choose 3 blacklisted foods that they would never give you, other than that if you didn’t like the food you had to suck it up. I chose spicy food, eggplant, and I think peanut butter? Because being vegetarian didn’t count (though I told them I was vegan instead because I was scared of milk😔). If you didn’t finish your food you got supplemented - 1/2 a sup for eating 3/4 but not finishing, one sup for 1/2-3/4, and two supps for eating less than half. Our supps were Kate Farms unless you had other dietary restrictions; I got switched to ensure clear halfway through because I went on a Kate Farms boycott to get it haha, WORTH IT ensure clear I love you. You had to sit at supps table for the whole half hour or until you finished it (it was a socially-acceptable choice to just sit there for half an hour). If you didn’t drink your sup you lost privileges for the next day, but unless you’d been there for a few months you didn’t actually *have* any, so… privileges were going on our daily 10 minute walk, the weekly strip mall field trip, and if you were VERY LUCKY going to the bathroom with the door closed. During meals there were a lot of blacklisted topics because yknow. Bad Time Let’s Be Nice. If you weren’t eating staff would gently encourage you but wouldn’t be mean about it, and the other patients would too. It’s pretty hard to fake eating there, but not impossible, and definitely impossible to do it without other patients seeing (because we all watched each other eat So Closely and we know all our tricks…) and other patients ratting you out is a definite possibility. You weren’t allowed to leave the table during meals but sometimes it happens. If you didn’t eat for two days they sent you to inpatient (they couldn’t actually force you to eat in res, but in IP they can tube you).

In our free time we all got really close. Everybody had a roommate and we slept in real bedrooms with our own bathrooms (which we could only use at night, they were locked during the day). A lot of us crocheted, there was lots of reading and coloring. We were allowed an hour of screen time, including TV, a day but that was taken away if you were Really Bad (think screaming fit not like “didn’t eat fear food”). If you were still in high school you were expected to do that (online) during free time (which was also a ticket to unlimited computer time during free time lolol, same with AA). The people you go to res to become like a weird version of your family, you’re together for months with ONLY each other doing something very emotionally taxing, so like within the first few days boom you now have 15 new best friends. It’s also very insular in that there are trends? Within your res? I started a rock painting trend, and also pestered staff enough that they finally let us garden (this was just me gardening and everyone else reading in the yard). Everybody listened to top 50 pop even if they hated it, because at res you like it (I’m very attached to billboard pop 2021 still), we all watched every Keanu Reeves movie because it’s funny to say that you have (none of us even liked him that much).

At res everything is funny because everything’s so bad? It’s this sort of delirious sheen that takes over everything, like looking at the world through a soap bubble. That said I was also on the maximum dose of seroquil. Everyone’s super supportive, not like the movies. If they didn’t actually want to recover they didn’t say anything about it.

Staff there consisted of three types: the babysitters (I don’t know their real titles), mostly college girls who babysat us and ran the houses, the therapists/psychiatrists who ran groups and did individual therapy, and the nurses. There was a nurse on staff until 11 every night, because we all had hot girl stomach issues and sometimes hot girl heart problems. They took blood once a week and there was a doctor that saw you once a month or if you complained about something long enough. The babysitters were all really nice though some were less pushover-y than others (let you stay on computer longer etc). They said they did room sweeps once a week but I had contraband they never found. They also said we weren’t allowed to touch each other for more than five seconds at a time (I am the reason that rule exists haha) but like… you have a roommate for a reason!! (I’m not even talking about sex I just mean snuggling ;-;)

In terms of visitors you mostly only got your parents or if you were married your spouse, maaaybe somebody’s friends came once? But not common. You’re not allowed alone time with your visitors (like prison!) and anything they give you has to be searched by staff (same as stuff you order online or buy on the strip mall field trips). A lot of rules are very very strict because people with eating disorders are masters at worming their way out of things which sucks but makes sense.

There were some unsavory things that happened to me there that I’d like not to talk about here, just know that when you go, it’s very possible for staff to lie to your parents/caretakers to the point that they don’t believe you. It is very hard to leave once you check yourself in, and if you do leave before they let you, that’s called AMA and your insurance won’t pay for the part of your stay you did already (which for me was $2k a day. For four months). Once you go there you’ve basically handed over your rights indefinitely to the program in exchange for learning how to eat good and not die. Which is better than dying but not amazing either, but that’s the way it is.

Some other unintended side effects:

1. If you were scared of blood draws before you went in you won’t be when you come out.

2. You’ll be able to pee anywhere no more pee shyness. Along those lines we had to describe our shit every morning to the nurse in earshot of everybody? So you won’t be embarrassed about that any more.

3. You might forget to close the bathroom door the first few months you’re home.

4. You’ll become very attached to some foods in res and then when you get out can never eat those foods again. For me that’s biscoff cookie butter.

5. You’ll be WAY less on your phone. You’ll know how to sit and wait instead of going on your phone immediately for entertainment.

All in all I’d say you get more freedom than the locked ward and less freedom than rehab, but stay longer than both of them combined. Fellow patients are awesome, staff is a mostly positive mixed bag, and activities are dismal (eating).

I wish you so much luck in recovery. You can do this! Every meal is a new beginning. I believe in you!

A funny for you for making it this far:

[pouroverpaloma]

(putting this in your ask box instead of messages bc i'm sure this could be helpful to other people!!!)

how does one decide where to go for grad school? like for my program specifically but also in general??? i was thinking about my MLIS earlier today and looking thru the ALA database adn i got overwhelmed. thanks <3

Hi!! I've finally reached a conclusion, after thinking a lot, making it overly complex for myself, and throwing all that out.

First thing, APPLY FOR FAFSA. It's a pain but it's vital if you want to do any kind of work study or take out government loans. Similarly, make sure you check out the ALA website and see what scholarships you can apply for.

Then what I did, personally, was pick ten highly-ranked programs (according to US News and World Report) that appealed to me and make a spreadsheet with:

Price. The full price of what it would cost to complete a degree. Library school is very light on what you need to actually purchase (unsurprisingly), but you need to know ahead of time what the lump sum would be without financial aid or fellowships.

Program type. Do they offer in-person, online, or hybrid? If online, are classes synchronous (live zoom meetings) or asynchronous (video lectures and assignments)? I personally think synchronous programs are a LOT better for many reasons but hey, these all get you degrees

Interesting features. Do they have a specialization you think is cool? Do they have an on-campus museum or rare books library you could intern with?

Have you applied yet? I just make this a yes/no tick box to keep on top of what I've already done.

Are your letters of rec in yet? Same thing, just a tick box to keep track.

Then apply and see what comes your way! I got my MLIS from University of Illinois online, and I went to classes at night so I could keep working. It took me three years instead of two, because I was going part-time and taking summers off, but that didn't matter at all. I had a really great experience and I highly recommend that program. There are many other excellent ones, though!

[inkofamethyst]

October 21, 2024

Finally bought my first pair of vintage reproduction shoes aaaaaa! I've been saving for them for a year now, after longing for some for over three. I've been hearing a lot of negative things about American Duchess' quality lately, so I went with Memery. Hoping for the best!

Speaking of saving, my bass guitar fund sort of represents my passage through the first two years of this program, as I'm set to finish it right after my qualifying exam. I'm 70% through my first two years!? The scarier thing is that it means my qualifying exam is really really coming up quick. That's a little terrifying. I need to get reading more, yikes.

My attraction to high-charisma, class-clown energy will be the death of me. ...And that's all I'm going to say on the matter.

I wasn't going to mention it until I finished but I'm watching my first Chinese drama, Bloody Romance, and while I wouldn't call it "peak television" or even "good", it does have me hooked, so there's that. It's also got to be the slowest burn I've ever watched. It took like 25 episodes to get the first hug omg. Anyway I'm loving the costumes ofc (actually it was bc I saw one of the costumes on Pinterest that I found it lollll), it's been really nice to read (I'm so so close to finishing Jade Legacy oh my god) and watch non-Western historical fantasy recently as someone who typically enjoys medieval european-inspired fantasy.

Actually that's not all I'm going to say on the matter because I don't think my nerdy, theatre kid self draws in those types of people. Idk. I won't dwell bc I've been doing good about not dwelling on matters of romance and attraction recently. One of these days though I am going to have to address my fears in this realm. Once again, fear has manifested in procrastination. Like I think I think I'm pretty comfortable with the possibility of not finding my perfect match and simply cultivating the life I want to live on my own, but I do think I will regret not even trying to "put myself out there". But that's a conversation for another day. And perhaps, even, for a therapist.

BUT! That is all I'm going to say on the matter.

Today I'm thankful, quite simply, that it was warm out again. The last sputterings of summer. [edit, a day later: on second thought, this is not normal.]

[mousemannation]

How did you get into fashion and what things do you want to design for like. Your career?

thank u for this question!!! hmm, when i was in primary school i did a little sewing with a friend's mum, and also my mum had to sew my costumes for my dance class end of year concert; so there's been sewing around me my whole life. We had a sewing class in year 7 too where I tie dyed and embroidered a pillow. I didn't take sewing elective though.

I properly started to get into it once I started watching historical sewing youtubers! People like Bernadette Banner, Morgan Donner, Bella Mae etc etc. I just found it so fascinating seeing the whole process of making clothes.

I also really enjoy cosplay and early on in my sewing journey my friend asked to do a Wicked the Musical joint cosplay as Elphaba and Glinda. My Elphaba dress remains my biggest ever sewing project despite technically being my first??? (technically bc I first wore it in 2020 after a year of making it but I've worked on it in the years since).

I'll also say, as someone who's always had issues with body image and gender, being able to make my own clothes massively helped me become more confident.

Gosh I keep having more points ejiejejej the next one is that I'm really invested in environmentalism and the fashion industry is one of the biggest polluters. Between overconsumption, overproduction, unsustainable materials AND massive issues with slavery there is a LOT of change that needs to happen within the industry. Some of that happens with the general public, a lot of it must happen from the inside, and if I can be a part of that I would love it.

On to the second part of ur question (finally) well the real answer is I don't know kwkeksksksk. After I finished my certificate in fashion I had the choice to pursue a diploma in fashion (think commercial production, designing for brands, focus on clothing that gets reproduced and sold in large numbers) or in costume (specifically for live production like TV and film, theatre, ballet, dance). I didn't much enjoy the commercial side of fashion, stuff like sourcing materials in bulk, creating and organising patterns to maximise number of garments made- so I decided I'd prefer to do costume. I find the idea of creating one off garments to represent a character, using fashion to enhance a narrative really really enticing.

Do I really believe I want to pursue costume design as a career? I don't know. That question is a little more difficult for me since my disability has prevented me from getting a job. I don't have any working experience and already my job prospects are on shaky ground. The idea of having people rely on my is scary... but I don't think I'd be totally opposed. I'd probably prefer to work in theatre out of the options. Ballet is far too serious i could not handle the pressure, and I don't really like sewing other styles of dance costumes (like leotards or kind of anything Lycra lol). If I can find a local theatre company that's relatively low-pressure that could be fun.

I do also like the idea of making clothes on a small scale. One offs or small batch that I would sell locally. I enjoy the freedom of just letting myself create without restraints! Starting without an end goal!

I am STILL yapping but my final point is i have so many interests that i don't think I'll ever settle into one career. Even if i did get a job making costumes I'd almost certainly still be pursuing other things at the same time. It's a long term goal of mine to (eventually) go to university and get a degree in pure mathematics!!! I also want to do exchange at some point, find some three month program and go kskskwk. I want to travel, i want to write poems and books and songs, I want to draw more, paint more, learn to sculpt! I have always been a very ambitious person and this is not at all what u asked about so I will leave it here 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[ivansergeyevichturgenev]

oh my god. so my program only required ONE teaching mathematics course. which is honestly crazy given we had three courses dedicated to sor (which was primarily k-2 focused, you are OWN YOUR OWN! for 3-6) which like don't get me wrong, i've been in the classroom, having a strong background in phonics and sor is so important bc not all of your 3-6 kids can read on grade level. and my cohort hated this woman and like i didn't love her at first...she ranted to the whole class when i came in a few minutes late one day (i do think it was her last straw after half the class treated the course as optional...even though the powerpoints were NOT posted and she was teaching us strategies we would have to demonstrate to her as part of our final in person which was insane. but i emailed her and apologized and that was when i was going through my what is wrong with my reproductive organs moment so i was stressed out and everything was cool.) but this class has been, dare i say it, arguably the most useful class i have ever taken and i use it nearly every time i have to work with a kid 1:1. the methods she taught us for explaining very complicated concepts to children...i mean where would i be without them. my peers would always be like this is dumb, standard algorithm, what is this lady going on about. That's awesome but manipulatives and other strategies that really break down problems can be so useful for kids who are struggling and/or students with disabilities. they need these tools and support! and yes, i say arguably most important bc my division has been using a solid reading curriculum for years before the va literacy act. i did a whole internship on reading tutoring. there's a lot of support in that department. less so in math and the math is hard to teach! to kids! oh i'm planning for the last week of summer school and close to sending a thank you email to this woman 😭😭😭

[bumblebeerror]

oh so your levels are actually the same as mine, oh wow. i'm around 400 too. same levels, yet we have such different bodily experiences. that's so interesting.

maybe you have an excess of free testosterone or increased conversion of t into dihydrotestosterone? have you gotten those blood tests done? if you haven't, maybe you should.

also your levels fluctuate a lot. to go from 400 to 600 within the same week is kinda drastic. i've read that only small fluctuations are normal. my levels fluctuate within a much smaller interval (430-450), and i think it's like that for the majority of cis guys.

the reason i know my t levels is because i've been struggling with things like fatigue, joint pain, stiffness, dry skin, cold skin, dry eyes, brittle hair, sleepiness & autoimmune symptoms for a while now so i thought it might be due to low testosterone and went to get tested. but my levels are on the lower end of the normal range... so apparently not.

that's an interesting fact about t injections. you learn something new every day! that's gotta hurt though.

now that you mention it, there was one boy in my class who had bad body odor. but just one. and we only really felt it during gym class. he was very short like a kid and kinda chubby, but boy did he sweat a lot. he was also pretty poor and from a remote village so maybe that had something to do with it. whenever we were changing in the boys locker room for gym, it would smell pretty bad. the gym teacher was very mad at him for that and all the other boys would give him shit for it. fun fact: teenage boys can be very cruel to each other in male-only spaces. i stayed quiet, of course, because i was going through my own problems that i would rather not get into now. and one time we had to learn a traditional dance in pairs (there were more boys than girls so some boys had to be paired with boys) and when i was paired with him and had to touch his hands they were so sweaty and i was kinda grossed out ngl. maybe i should've been nicer to him tbh.

wow, i got off track there. you unlocked a hidden memory.

anyways, maybe you're right. but there's a fine line between treating these teenage boys humanely and actively encouraging lack of hygiene & laziness. teenage boys can be very immature and undisciplined and quite frankly, they don't need any more coddling and babying than they already receive. teenage boys and young men nowadays have a big problem with immaturity and not wanting/knowing how to grow up (i know from experience). they should be encouraged to display maturity for their own good. and knowing how to take care of yourself and practice proper hygiene is a part of maturity.

The amount changes as it’s absorbed, and it’s absorbed over the week, so large fluctuations aren’t unexpected, since I’m not making the excess myself. It just depends, and that’s just the range of results my tests every three months or so have turned out. Like I said, this is unsolicited medical advice and I don’t need it.

The injections don’t hurt any more than any other shot, they’re just done into any large muscle group. For me that’s my thigh.

Anyways.

That’s the thing, though. Maybe you received coddling, idk your life - but for the most part if you stray from the perfect normal you are extremely fucking bullied. The only thing my friends did was be unfortunately extra sweaty.

Boys being immature isn’t my responsibility - what is my responsibility is not bullying them for it? Like the problem you’re describing is A) kid doesn’t know how to control BO bc he wasn’t taught, B) kid’s parents never enforced/assisted with hygiene practices, or C) kid’s family doesn’t have the money to buy hygiene products, which is extremely common and hygiene products aren’t covered by things like food stamps or other welfare programs. None of which are my business as an adult and are things I will gladly completely ignore because that’s a child who doesn’t have complete control of that.

I assume most of the teen boys in my class didn’t want to stink just by the sheer amount of axe body spray that filled my highschool.

I’ve never really met anyone who wanted to stink. Just people who can’t afford, never learned, or were never taught.

Not to mention that, in general, kids learn from parents about the kind of shit they relentlessly bully each other about.

You aren’t wrong, hygiene is important to someone’s health. But the thing there is that making someone feel bad about being smelly doesn’t make them cleaner. It doesn’t give disabled folks or folks with mental health issues the ability to have good and consistent hygiene habits. Like, as someone who’s disabled… yea part of that is sometimes you do not have the ability to be clean. Or you’re at the mercy of someone else to be clean. Or you struggle with the process. There’s a million reasons and none of them deserve to be hassled over it.

Like what I’m saying here is other people’s hygiene habits aren’t your personal business besides idk, reminding someone to wash their hands if they forgot, I guess.

This conversation just comes back to idk how to explain to you that you should be nice to people. Sometimes people stink. Use your manners anyways.

[mayybirds]

Is the Winters family still in some kind of contact with other survivors? I’d love to hear more about them, and what life is like in their situation. (for ttvtl)

ah anon my secret favorite!! questions about the Winterses <3 <3.

The short answer here is yes. Delia, Michael, and Ethan live civilian lives first and foremost (Ava is...more complicated), but I think they still maintain their contacts in Survivor networks. I don't want to paint them as like...cool spies or some shit with Secret Networks, but they do have like...contacts and people they can reach out to when there's trouble. To me that's just a natural facet of a group of people who experienced a massively traumatic and "othering" life event, that they'd band together and many would maintain some kind of distant contact even years and years on (sources: history, and I am Jewish lol). To me, I picture Survivor Networks as these weird, lopsidedly-interconnected webs of people who are basically running their own semi-self-sufficient Witness Protection program. You can't go making trouble for people, but there's people you can rely on for shelter and help if you need to disappear or need new documents.

I've tried to lightly make reference to this in chapter...five, I believe, of TtVtL, when Ethan has his panic attack in the car. He basically is having this moment of realization that he's like...totally blown his civilian cover wide open, because naturally the BSAA will go investigating into him and his identity as Ethan Winters is not going to hold up under scrutiny, especially since there's nothing more than a very sparsely planted paper trail to even show "Ethan Winters" existed before he was about fifteen, because he....didn't. And if the BSAA/government finds him, they find Delia and Michael (and Ava, possibly). And they potentially find the people they know--a bunch of other survivors living under false names / under new identities as well.

Like, would all these people be in immediate danger if the government got their hands on these names 20 years down the line?? Maybe not necessarily?? Ethan definitely has some level of (well-earned) paranoia towards the BSAA. But I think it's like...complicated overall.

Aaa okay so. To my mind. Quick jump into my own lore bc sorry I'm obsessed with the aftermath of Raccoon City and the fact that it has not been explored in a promising manner in a main game--and no random unlockable DLC documents or a character mentioning something offhandedly doesn't COUNT--in years (aside from remakes buffing things up a little) is a CRIME (fun fact there were some early side-games set from civilian perspectives escaping Raccoon City that were like...semi-canon or canon divergent!! But they're basically never mentioned now because they're not included on main game lineups and they were never remastered and it's fucking impossible to get your hands on a copy of these games now... so they're basically lost?? kind of?? At least unless you have a lot of time and money to go hunting them down and get the consoles necessary to play them).

Right. Lore. So to my brain there's like three main classes of Raccoon City survivors in the 2010s/the beginning of the TtVtL timeline: Public Survivors, Survivor Network Re-homed Survivors, and Underground Survivors.

For background I genuinely believe given the nature of how government and official powers are treated in the original RE games 1-3, corrupt officials would have cooperated with Umbrella to make Raccoon City survivors "disappear." Like sorry the entire thing of the original games is like...sometimes the people in power are the most corrupt and will choose self-interest over the greater good. The most powerful people in the Raccoon City Police Department--Chief Irons and Wesker, the leader of STARS--actively worked for/with Umbrella, and betrayed their own people and left them to die to cover up their crimes. IRONS FUCKING HELPED SMUGGLE ORPHANS TO UMBRELLA FOR TESTING LIKE KDFSJG. Lore in the RE2 remake also suggests the mayor was in on this shit!!!! and Umbrella actively built into the city's sewer systems and their experiments were loose down there--AGAIN suggesting gov officials knew this and just. didn't give a shit.

And RE3's ENTIRE PLOT is like...cover-up. The Nemesis is released on the city, never mind what havoc it reaps, to kill the remaining STARS members who might be able to publicly testify to what happened in the mansion incident (I think LITERALLY only Jill, Barry, Chris, and Rebecca are left as far as STARS members go post-3?). It is pretty outrightly established some of the UBCS, paramilitary soldiers employed by Umbrella, are shooting survivors. And what's the national government's response?? THEY NUKE THE FUCKING CITY?? Supposedly to contain the virus but let's be honest it's probably primarily to take out witnesses to Umbrella's crimes and the government's knowledge of those crimes. The national government was in on this shit. There's plenty of supporting document evidence in RE2 and RE3 in that, and supporting content from later installments (the references in later games to the public trials Umbrella had once this shit came to light and it also became obvious Umbrella had some influence over governing (pharmaceutical) bodies, and like...EVERYTHING ABOUT INFINITE DARKNESS...).

Basically like... I 120% headcanon that the military would have "disappeared" survivors/witnesses of Raccoon City they caught escaping, and locked them up or just...straight up shot them. So I believe there were few, if any, public survivors of Raccoon City who were not already too difficult to disappear (see: the STARS members who would go on to help form BSAA, not that people didn't try like hell to kill them...), or who the government didn't have an interest in keeping alive (see: the government moving and giving new identities to Umbrella scientists who they thought were still useful). The vast majority of people who survived Raccoon City were civilians who went on the lamb, took on new names, and cooperated with one another to establish new identities in other parts of the country/world.

After Umbrella publicly went on trial / some of what happened in Raccoon City came into the public consciousness in the 2000s, I imagine some survivors came forward publicly now that the public eye could somewhat protect them. But these people will be public figures for the rest of their lives, and they're probably still being surveilled... tapped phones, no-fly lists. The government will be watching these people to make sure they don't say anything TOO incriminating--and for those who came publicly forward with the intent to GET rowdy, I again have no doubt some ended up dead or threatened into backing down.

So, again, I think the vast majority of survivors remain under new identities.

I think the third group of survivors (spoilers: people like Ava), are people still actively looking to expose the rest of Umbrella's crimes and the national government's full culpability in what happened. All survivors are leery of the gov, the BSAA, the DSO, Blue Umbrella, etc., but these are the people who are like... these institutions and the people in them who helped cover up what happened or who worked with Umbrella will fucking answer for their crimes. Full exposure. Public outcry. The redacted version the public got is not enough. And these people will do whatever it takes to make this happen--get insurrection-y about it, infiltrate these orgs, leak documents, fuck em. Someone is going to pay. Trial by public opinion, baby.

(To my mind, this movement, while a minority of survivors, has a lot of traction, especially among younger survivors of Raccoon City. And at this point they probably have quiet backing from people who sympathize with their cause but work under more "public facing" fronts. For example, I believe Claire would absolutely be involved in this stuff. We don't have a clear picture of what TerraSave, the nonprofit she works for, does beyond "helping with the civilian catastrophes that result from bioweapon outbreaks" etc etc., but everything about how Claire is written reads as someone who'd go full "fuck you you're going to answer for this." The release of Infinite Darkness wildly supported my headcanons there and padded them out--like girly you work for a nonprofit but you're spending your time investigating cover-ups, harassing public officials you think are in on shit, and trying to convince Leon to leak information on the government's war crimes?? Babes you're not an aid worker, you're a fucking survivor rebel who wants the truth Out There.)

[dis-embarks]

rant

I try to be a planner and none of my plans have worked out over the last three years that I've been away from home, by myself, trying to get a degree.

I wanted to get a minor in film studies -> didn't like it, so I swapped for a minor in sexuality studies -> needed to lighten the load bc I've been trying to study through burnout for over a year now, so I dropped the minor and planned to just graduate with my major -> had a fucking PROPHETIC DREAM of all things that I added an english lit minor, so I checked the requirements and believed I'd actually managed to fulfill them, thus I emailed my advisor to ask if I could add it even though I've already applied to graduate -> turns out some of my electives don't count towards the minor because they were also requirements for my major and I guess required credits aren't allowed to be used for both things, therefore I don't qualify for the minor like I thought I did, and there aren't enough english literature options over the summer for me to get the TWO MORE CLASSES I would need to get the minor.

I wanted to get involved in student groups and a student literary mag -> applied for every mag I could, got rejected or flat out ignored by each one, and bc of the burnout, never bothered to try again -> managed to get accepted into a sustainability group, but the management and onboarding was terrible, it was never clear what I was supposed to be doing, and the one project I tried to start on my own fell through bc of failure to communicate by the other people involved -> left that student group bc of the burnout and a mental health crisis.

I wanted to literally just Have A Job so I could afford to pay my bills and get groceries and occasionally have nice things -> got a good job for a few months, then they ghosted me after I came back from winter break -> found a new job as a dishwasher and immediately quit bc it was horrible for my chronic pain, they didn't offer me a break during a five hour shift, and I hated it -> managed to get a paid internship over the summer that helped w the finance problems -> eventually found a great job that only lasted a year before financial issues outside of my control resulted in the store being shut down and I once again lost my job -> haven't been able to find anything since and I'm in what feels like a horrific amount of debt.

wanted to participate in a career skills and internship program for humanities students -> had to drop out bc of my burnout and mental health crisis -> couldn't rejoin this year bc the workshops conflicted with my class schedule.

I'm graduating later than I planned, I gained a ton of weight, I developed another chronic pain condition that comes and goes and a bizarre vestibular problem that comes and goes, I never made any close friends and I have no plans left. I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I'm completely lost. I accomplished stuff I didn't write about here, yeah, and I'll have a degree when this is all over, yeah, and I get to go home soon, yeah. But nothing worked out how I hoped it would; not even a little bit. And the disappointment in my circumstances and in myself is unbelievable. I'm exhausted. I'm done.

[johannacantsing]

I recently decided to get certified to teach English as a second language bc I’ve wanted to live abroad basically forever

And I decided to apply to work in Korea’s public schools bc that program seems great

So I started basic Korean learning by myself for now and I already know more Korean in like a week and a half than I remember from three years of high school Spanish

And I know a big part of that is that my goal is to be fluent in Korean instead of just passing Spanish (like I thought being fluent would be cool but I didn’t actually try I just tried to pass my class) and now I’m like thinking about linguistics and meta cognitive learning *insert jerk off gesture* but it’s good

I found pinsleur’s korean one online for free so now I can have a conversation if someone says exactly “hello it’s nice to meet you” then asks if I speak English or Korean and then asks if I’m from America ,,,,,,, which is still more conversational Spanish lol

I’m thinking about learning Spanish next unless I need another language first for like career stuff or if I start dating someone with a different native language than the ones I speak. We’ll see how that shakes out I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Altho I realized I completely emphasize speaking and listening skills bc reading in German made me so frustrated that I haven’t started learning the Korean alphabet basically 😅😅😅😅