#but i love you and support you and you're so important and i want you to always know that okay?

[lieslab]

If we could only turn back time

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Chan X gn reader

Summary: After a Dispatch article leaks, your betrayed boyfriend kicks you out of your shared apartment and you're silenced in the worst way possible.

Genre: Angst with a happy ending

Word Count: 5.1K

Trigger warning: Misunderstood trope, physical assault, anger, yelling, a car accident, plus graphic descriptions of physical injuries, and doctors/hospitals.

A/N: I had three hours of sad One Direction music, one request, and a dream. Requestee, you asked for angst and I have given it my all. I hope this meets every expectation and more <3

_ _ _

You were the light of Bang Chan’s life. At least, that’s what he thought. For months, his love grew for you. Over time, he opened up more and more. You crawled into his heart and made yourself at home. 

And then you tore it open. 

He thought he finally had the love of his life, but it turns out, you were just like the others. Not really loving him, but dragging along, clinging onto clout, and when the next man came, you jumped with both feet. You didn’t even say goodbye, but neither did he. 

There was no warning for either of you. One day, the two of you were head over heels for each other. The next, everything fell apart. Hearts cracked like stained glass. Tears fell, but the words from both of you didn’t provide the comfort the other so desperately craved. 

In the end, two hearts ripped apart. The world tipped in the wrong direction. You both lost your footing and for weeks, nothing would be the same for either of you, ever again. 

~ ~ ~ 

When you came home from buying groceries, the apartment was quiet, like usual. Chan’s warm presence had been gone since this morning. Up at the crack of dawn, he disappeared to continue making his dreams come true. 

You missed him when he was gone, just as he missed you, but dreams were important. No matter what happened between the two of you, it was the one thing you both agreed that it was important. No matter where your life took you, the most important thing was keeping focused on your dreams. 

Yes, the two of you were in love, but that wasn’t stopping either of you from pursuing your passions. Not yet engaged, the two of you vowed to be supportive of each other. Through thick and thin, in the risky moments, and everything in between; you swore to be there for one another. 

Your bare feet glided across the tile floor with ease. Without Chan, the apartment felt empty, but that didn’t stop you from trying to make it feel warm and fuzzy. Over on the side counter, you turned on the candle warmer. Maybe by the time Chan got home, the apartment would be full of a welcoming vanilla buttercream. 

You swore his cologne had hints of vanilla. He disagreed with you and insisted you didn’t know your scents. Just to prove a point, you bought the vanilla candle, and yet, he refused to see it.

He could be stubborn like that sometimes. Certain things he couldn’t see. No matter how hard and how obvious you attempted to make these things, he refused to see them. Sometimes, it was more frustrating than anything, but you learned to deal with every part of him; the good and the bad. 

You had your own set of flaws, too. Out of everyone existing in the world, there was nobody that you wanted to be with more than Chan. The two of you were still so young. There was a lifetime of adventures and fun to have. You were hoping the relationship between the two of you would last forever. 

It ended when Chan stormed through your front door. The bang of the front door slamming against the sidewall sent your heart racing. You grabbed a can of peas for defense and held your breath. 

Footsteps stormed through your living room. Your fingers turned pale around the can. A sigh of relief fell from you when you saw the furrow on Chan’s face. “Holy shit, you scared the crap out of me. What’s wrong, baby? What happened?” 

You put down the can and walked towards him. Your hands stretched out to grab his face. To your surprise, he swatted them away. Your eyes widen at the faint sting. “What are you-” 

“You don’t get to baby me after what you did!” 

“I-I did something? What did I-” 

“Shut up! You don’t get to pretend like you don’t know! You know I’ve felt like a piece of shit because I can’t be here twenty-four-seven! You know I travel for work and yet you still choose to hurt me in the worst way possible!” 

Confusion filled your face and it just pissed him off more. He jerked his Samsung phone from his pocket. You watched as he typed in the password. Your actions from the past few days rolled through your head like stop-motion. Each silent click, more scenes filled your head. 

None of them stood out. You couldn’t recall what you did wrong, but Chan was furious. Your mouth opened, but words didn’t come out. He flipped the screen to find the bold words of a Dispatch article. Your heart hit the ground with a sickening splat. 

Trouble in paradise: A Rocky Road Ahead For Stray Kids’ Bang Chan’s Romantic Relationship. 

Attached, two photos of you grinning at another JYP idol from another group. In one, you were waving at them. In another, you were leaning over and hugging them. 

“It’s not what it looks like!” 

“Really? Because you know what it looks like to me? It looks like you were attempting to hide a close relationship with someone in a younger group.” 

“That’s not true! Chan, it’s Dispatch! You can’t possibly believe that I-” 

“I want you out of my apartment.” 

Your face fell at his words. “You…you wouldn’t. Please, just let me explain and I-” 

“When have you ever talked about him? Never! You’ve never been close to another idol! Yet now, you’re hugging him?” 

“Chan, please!” 

“Get out!” 

“But-” 

“Out!” His voice raised. “Get your stuff and get the fuck out of my apartment! Don’t bother coming back!” 

The words were loud enough to frighten you. You left the grocery bags scattered on the kitchen island and took off. Tears filled your eyes. You wanted to explain, but he kept cutting you off. 

Too heated to think about the situation, his insecurities got the best of him. In the kitchen, he slumped against the counter with his head in his hands. Warm tears filled his eyes at the sound of your sniffles. 

He wanted to comfort you, but the hurt was too much. He grew to love you with everything he had and within one Dispatch article, his swollen heart popped. How could you do this to him? After everything the two of you had been through, why did you have to ruin it? 

Tears blurred your vision and you didn’t look back. You jerked items from the closet and tossed them in your suitcase. Grabbing handfuls from each of your dresser drawers, you tossed them in with everything. Even the toiletries, you didn’t have time to organize them. 

Chan wanted you to go, so you’d leave. At the end of the day, this was his apartment. You paid rent, but his name was the first on the contract. He paid the down payment, not you. 

You gave him one last desperate look as you passed by, but he didn’t see it. His name fell from your mouth in a weak croak, but he didn’t pull his hands from his eyes. “Please, just go away.” 

You spun around, gripped your suitcase tighter, and then you did. 

~ ~ ~ 

All night, you drove around without a destination in mind. You refused to call one of Chan’s members and plead for help. It’d only stir up drama in the group. That was the last thing you wanted. 

Numbness hung over your head. You still couldn’t believe everything that happened a few hours ago. If he would have listened, he would have understood. The tears dried up a while ago, but the empty feeling in your chest didn’t go away. 

Seoul’s late afternoon crept into another dark night. Gray blotted skies drifted into a pitch black. Neon lights reflected off the paint on your car, but the warm colors didn’t warm your heart. 

The car felt lonely without Chan. You’d give anything to hear his laughter from beside you. The playful banter while he reminded you to turn on the correct turn signal. It’d been a constant inside joke between the two of you. Ever since you accidentally flicked on the wrong signal and turned the wrong way, he’d never let it go. 

The way he tipped his head forward. Messy tendrils of dark hair fell over his forehead. His squeaky laugh warmed your heart. Such a far comparison from the anger that rattled the apartment walls earlier. 

You poked his dimples between the stoplights. On nights when the two of you wanted to get away from everyday life, you found peace in this car. You’d drive and be in control for once. He’d sit beside you with a hand on your thigh. 

Simple conversations filled the car. Love pooled between the two of you. Shared laughter, quiet conversations, and the secret getaway that your car provided you’d do anything to turn back time. 

You loved him for a reason. You always had and you always would. Just because photos told one story, it didn’t mean they told the entire story. Snippets didn’t capture the truth. The context was important, but Chan was too distraught tonight. 

Too stressed out. Too angry. Too frustrated. Things built up and that article was the breaking point. Those photographs became thorns in your relationship. In one day, the roses wilted. Withered petals gathered at your feet. 

Tomorrow would be better, you reassured yourself as you drove. Tomorrow, Chan would realize he was wrong. He jumped the gun in this situation. In the morning, he’d call you and apologize. 

Tomorrow, you’d be welcomed home with a heartfelt apology and a bouquet of fresh flowers. A glass full of red wine, sweets, and a home cooked dinner. Tomorrow, things will be okay again. These tears were temporary. This hurt wouldn’t last forever. 

At a stoplight, you grabbed your phone and dialed Changbin’s number. On speaker phone, you waited and waited, but he didn’t pick up. If anyone would know the truth and be able to rationalize Chan’s brain, it was him. 

The red light from the stoplights highlighted faint tear streaks. You sniffled, wiping your long sleeve across your dripping nose. Your eyes shut and your voice cut out and quivered as you spoke. 

“Please know that I didn’t mean to cause him or you guys any harm. I ran into him the other day and asked if he could help teach me a dance. He’s one of JYP’s best dancers and I know Stray Kids are busy. His group is on break and I just thought I could surprise Chan with a dance.” 

“Saying it out loud, I get that it’s stupid now. I was just hoping it’d cheer him up. He’s been so stressed lately. I thought the least I could do was make him laugh.” 

“If you get a chance and if he’s willing to hear it, please let him know I love him. I love him and I’m sorry. Dispatch is stupid and I hate them. You can even ask that idol and he’ll tell you the same thing. I’m so sorry, Changbin. I’ll talk to you later. I have to find a place to stay tonight.” 

You swallowed the lump in your throat and shut your eyes. After clicking the end call button on your phone, you threw the device into your passenger’s seat. Maybe if you were lucky, Chan would hear out Changbin. Level-headed and rational, you knew Chan appreciated the advice he gave out. 

A car horn honked behind you. Your eyes quickly reopened and the green light stared back at you. Unblinking, you grumbled beneath your breath. “I’m going, I’m going, geez.” You inched out into the intersection, expecting to continue going straight. 

You weren’t expecting your car to jerk left. Your screams blended with the sound of crushing metal. Orange sparks flew. The sickening scent of burnt rubber and diesel hit your nose. Your seatbelt cut into your neck and briefly cut off your air flow. 

The last thing you remembered was the horn of the semi-truck vibrating your entire car. 

~ ~ ~ 

It wasn’t Dispatch that was the first one to find out about the devastating car accident; instead, it was Jeongin. He sucked in a deep breath as he walked into the hospital. Last night, after struggling with the flu, someone admitted his friend to the hospital. 

He mumbled beneath his breath, trying to figure out what to say. A blue medical mask sat over his nose and mouth. He knew to keep his distance, but he still felt awful that they were here. 

Hospitals were lonely. In the brief moments when families and friends disappeared. When the nurses were following their routine rounds and doctors were checking in on other patients, people were left alone. The isolating white walls. The uncomfortable piercing beeps from the heart rate monitor. The cold IV drips, distributing medicine directly into the bloodstream. 

Surgical stitches ached. Disease weighed heavily upon the lungs. Intubation and the mechanical push and pull of oxygen and carbon dioxide. Hospitals were the opposite of warm and welcoming. Cold and sterile, he rather wished his friend was at home. 

The colorful bouquet of multicolored flowers was the brightest thing in the hallway. Closed doors with numbers passed by as he walked. The nurse’s announcement of his friend’s room number echoed in his head. 

It dissipated when he heard your name from a nurse in a cracked room. Before he knew it, he was pushing the door open and stepping inside. On the hospital bed, you were unrecognizable. Scrapes and cuts laced your face. Both plum purple eyes swelled shut.  

The right side of your face puffed up unnaturally. Black stitches poked out from the bottom of your lip. That was just your face. That wasn’t beginning to touch the cast on your arm and the rest of your body hidden beneath the blue covers. 

He knew it was you. He recognized the promise ring on your ring finger. He had helped Chan pick it out. He glanced around, searching for Chan, but he wasn’t there.

“Are you lost?” 

He glanced up to find the nurse. Her blonde hair tied back in a high ponytail. She observed him through black, circular-rimmed glasses. 

He shook his head and repeated your name. The nurse frowned and he pointed to you. “Is this-” 

“Are you family?” 

“Brother.” 

You weren’t biologically related, but it felt true deep down. 

~ ~ ~ 

Changbin tried to bring the situation up to Chan, but every time he spoke your name, Chan would shut down. From what Changbin knew, Chan didn’t know what happened to you. The rest of the guys did, but they all received the same results. Every time they spoke your name, Chan grew irritated and short-tempered. 

“I don’t want to talk about them! Stop bringing them up! Enough!” 

The charming and charismatic leader unraveled at the seams. His heart was full of love for you and you ruined it. That wasn’t something he took lightly. The hurt oozed out in other ways. 

His songs weren’t coming together as easily anymore. He used to get your feedback when he went home, but now the apartment was empty. The bed was colder without you. He was lonely, but he wouldn’t admit it. 

He snapped during dance practice. After he snapped at a manager, a manager lectured him about authority and respecting his elders. Nobody understood the hurt that he was going through. It didn’t help that Dispatch began showing up and bothering him. 

They could take all the pictures they wanted. He’d never give them the satisfaction of breaking his heart. Instead of listening, he put on his airpods and cranked up the music. He shoved through the camera flashes with his baseball hat low and a face mask covering the rest of his face. They didn’t deserve to turn his heartbreak into entertainment. 

He’d never let them break him. They already did it once. You were gone and the longer you went without a call or a text, he assumed they were right. They caught you cheating and you accepted it. You didn’t fight for your relationship. 

You didn’t call and beg for him to take you back. You didn’t call and try to explain. He sent you one text, but you never opened it. He was at a complete loss without you. 

Some would call him stubborn for it, but he’d say that he was just trying to protect himself from more hurt. 

~ ~ ~ 

The lonely days for you didn’t stay lonely for long. Jeongin discovered you hours after your accident. The days slipped by, but you weren’t alone anymore. Unconscious and pumped full of medicine, sure. They were far from lonely. 

Every evening, the guys took turns hanging out beside your bed. Seungmin would sing the songs you liked. Jeongin told you funny stories of Chan, trying to bring you back to consciousness. Minho brought you warm comments from the fans who found out about your accident. The rest of the guys had their own things, but Chan’s voice never filled the room. 

Stuck in a coma, things were dark. Occasionally, you could hear the beeping of your machines. You could feel your lungs expand and compress unnaturally. Your body felt like a shell more than anything. Voices came and went, but never Chan’s. 

In the darkness, you couldn’t see. You weren’t sure if you were dead or not. Stranger’s voices appeared in soft whispers and then they faded. You weren’t sure what was going on, but you knew you were exhausted. 

Those audible voices and sounds never lasted for long. You couldn’t feel pain. Every sensation within you felt numbed. A heavy fog filled your head and something clouded your vision. 

You attempted to open your eyes every so often, but they didn’t budge. Someone glued them shut. Every limb tingled with tiny pins and needles. You didn’t know if this was death, but it didn’t feel comforting. Somewhere between the realm of the living and dead, doctors kept you in a medically induced coma. 

How else could they heal the swelling of your brain? ~ ~ ~  

“I can’t take this anymore!” Felix cried out. He shoved himself from the chair and pulled out his phone. “This is such bullshit! I’m tired of keeping this from him.”

“Well, we’ve tried. What do you propose we do? Tell him to get to the hospital without mentioning his significant other’s name?” Seungmin crossed his arms over his chest. “Good luck. We’ve tried everything and it’s been twenty-something days.” 

“Actually, that’s exactly what we should do. How much longer can this go on for? This is pathetic, even for him! I get that he’s hurt, but look at them!” He reached over and gestured towards your bed. 

You remained intubated and unmoving. The swelling in your puffy eyes faded a little more each day, but they still looked awful. The stitches in your lips disappeared, but a fresh pink scar remained. 

Swirls of purple and blue smeared along your face. Broken bones reset and were on the mend. You were a living miracle. The first responders were afraid you wouldn’t make it, but when they pulled you from the wreckage, you continued breathing. 

So he unlocked his phone and hit Chan’s contact name. 

“Hello?” 

“Chan?” 

“Yeah?” 

“You need to get to the hospital right now. Call me when you get here.” 

“WHAT?” 

“I can’t talk. Just call me when you get here.” 

“Felix!” 

He grimaced and hung up the phone. Seungmin shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You probably gave him a heart attack. He’s going to kill you when he gets here, you know?” 

“That’s a problem for later.” ~ ~ ~ 

Chan flew from his apartment. His heart pounded in his chest and he couldn’t breathe. Losing you was hard enough. If anything happened to a member of his group, he’d never forgive himself. 

“Come on, come on!” He fumbled with his seat belt in one hand. With the other, he swung his car door shut. In seconds, he jerked the car in reverse and slammed the pedal. 

He lurched down the driveway, spun the wheel with a rubbered squeal, and shifted the car into drive. The engine roared and he sped down the road. 

What-ifs grew stronger on the way to the hospital. His breath caught in his throat and he struggled to stay calm. Last he knew, everyone was fine so what happened? Who? How bad was it? 

The moment he parked, he whipped out his phone and dialed Felix’s number. When Felix responded, his voice came out frantic. “I’m here! Where are you?” 

“Room one-twelve. I’ll meet you half-way. I’ll see you soon.” 

“Wait, who is-” 

Click. 

“Fucking hell!” He cried out. He grabbed the keys, sped from the car, and rushed towards the automatic door. 

Everything was a blur inside. Voices appeared from the waiting room. The receptionist glanced over the front desk and eyed him, but she didn’t stop him. He glanced left and right and opted to go left. 

The carpet disappeared beneath his feet and turned into squeaky clean white vinyl. An easy material to clean and disinfect daily. He rushed forward when he saw Felix appear down the edge of the hall. 

The squeak of his shoes didn’t matter. He ignored the doctor he passed that told him to stop running. By the time he reached Felix, he grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him closer. “Who is it? What happened? Tell me!” 

“Just, come on.” 

“Felix!” 

Felix didn’t budge. He grabbed Chan’s wrist and pulled him along. His chest filled with anxiety and his lungs compressed. When the pair appeared at the right door, Felix dropped his wrist and slowly pushed the door open. 

He expected to find Han or Jeongin. A broken and battered Hyunjin or Changbin hooked to oxygen. This was the intensive care unit. This was for the severe cases. The patients that required a close eye and keen detailing. 

Upon seeing you, his face fell. The bruising upon your face. The tube down your throat. Your lifeless skin and unmoving limbs. There was no sign of the life the two of you created. 

No reassuring smiles, or laughter. Seungmin sat solemnly beside your bed in a chair. “I’m shocked that you finally made it.” 

“What the hell happened?” He hurried to the opposite side of your bed. His hand reached out, but he didn’t touch you. Too frightened by your state, he didn’t know where he could touch without causing you pain. 

“Try their hand,” an unfamiliar voice spoke up. He whirled around to find a nurse in blue scrubs. “Their hands survived the crash. You can touch their hands if you wish.” 

“Sorry, I came in to get some vitals. It’ll only be a few moments and then I can leave you alone. Visiting hours are open until eleven o’clock tonight. I’ve never seen you here before, so I thought you should know.” 

“How long have they been like this?” He whispered. Tears filled his eyes and his heart ached. 

“Since the night you told them to leave your apartment.” 

“What?” 

“Felix!” Seungmin’s voice shot out sternly. “It’s not like that, Chan. Yes, the accident happened that night, but don’t beat yourself up over it. A driver of a semi-truck was speeding and couldn’t stop in time.” 

“That was nearly a-” 

“I’m sorry, hyung.” Felix’s hand appeared on his shoulder. “We tried to tell you, but every time we tried to utter their name, you were angry. We should have found a better way to tell you, but…” He trailed off, unsure of what else to say. 

The nurse grabbed your vitals and disappeared to give the guys time with you. Chan collapsed to his knees and grabbed your hand with both of his. For nearly a month, you’d been stuck in this bed. He thought you’d given up on the relationship with him. 

This entire time you haven't texted him back. Not because you were angry. Not because you were sad. Not because Dispatch’s rumors were true. But it was because you physically couldn’t. Intubated and trapped in a medically induced coma, you couldn’t reach out, even if you wanted to. 

“I’m so sorry,” he croaked. “I’m so sorry, I-I thought that they-” 

“Easy, hyung.” 

“What did I do? What the fuck did I do? If I wouldn’t have kicked them out of the apartment, this wouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have been so angry. I should have let them explain.” 

Seungmin shot Felix a look. He shrugged and gently rubbed Chan’s shoulders. “It’s not your fault, Channie. You were hurting and you didn’t mean for this to happen.” 

He was supposed to be the leader. A strong pillar and an even stronger influence on his younger members. As the eldest member, he was supposed to be reliable. At that moment, he crumbled. Tears appeared in his eyes as a sob broke from his chest. 

No wonder you had been so quiet. He called you once and hit your voicemail. He longed to hit the call button, just so he could hear your voice again. He squeezed your hand tighter and pressed it against his cheek. 

“Wake up. Wake up, baby, please! Come back to me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I'm so sorry!” 

Tears blurred his vision. He struggled to comprehend your mangled face. Your other hand sat wrapped in a cast. You must have been so broken when you arrived here. He wasn’t here to comfort you. He wasn’t here to try and console and cheer you up. 

A wheeze fell from his throat. The betrayal slicing through his heart disappeared. This time, he felt like he was the one that had betrayed you. He hurt you in the most unimaginable way possible. 

You laid here broken and half-dead. You spent hours fighting for your life alone. And where was he? Walking around your shared apartment drowning in his own self-pity. He’d never forgive himself for this. 

“What is this?” He finally whispered after his sobs faded away. His throat was raw. His voice came out scratchy. “How bad is it?” 

“The doctor said they should wake up at any time. They weren’t breathing on their own. A medically induced coma ensured to make sure their brain’s swelling could stop.” 

“It was that bad? They’ve been suffering through all that alone?” His bottom lip quivered. He grew afraid of the response he’d receive. 

“No,” Seungmin spoke up. “Jeongin found out first. He was the one that notified us. He said he tried to tell you, but when he showed up at your apartment, you told him to leave.” 

Horror filled Chan at the memory. Later that same night, back when you left, Jeongin appeared on his front porch pale. Instead of hearing out the younger member, he told him to get lost and slammed the door in his face. Deep down, he was afraid to be viewed as weak in front of the younger member. 

The memory stung his heart. Poor Jeongin just wanted him to know the truth and he slammed the door in his face. No wonder Jeongin seemed so nervous around him. He was probably worried that Chan would find out the truth and yell at him for not telling him. 

He rubbed his face and pawed at his eyes. “So does everyone know?” 

“Everyone besides you.” 

“Sorry you’re late. None of us knew how to get you here. You’d never listen when we tried to talk about them.” 

“I was such a stupid, selfish asshole.” 

“You were hurting,” Felix corrected him. 

“And a stupid, selfish asshole.” 

“You were.” 

“Seungmin!” Felix cried. 

“No, I want him to know that he was. I’m not going to sit here and pity him. You were a jerk, Chan. I hope you remember this moment whenever you try to act like an asshole again.” 

The words were a slap in the face, and yet he wanted to laugh. As harsh as Seungmin’s words were, they rang true. He was a jerk and maybe, in the cruelest way possible, this was his karma. 

He opened his mouth to respond, but paused when your fingernails scratched at his hand. The tube in your throat caused you to choke. You couldn’t fully see as your eyes half-opened. Still swollen, your vision remained limited. Silhouettes appeared and voices became more distinct. 

“Get a nurse!” 

Footsteps hit the ground. You gargled and reached your opened mouth. “No, no, no! You can’t touch that yet.” 

“Easy, love. Try to relax and don’t fight the tube. It’s breathing for you right now.” 

The distress and quickened-pace of the heart rate monitor hit a hiccup. Chan’s familiar voice grounded you, but you still struggled with the tube. Your lungs wanted to expand, but the machine compressed them. You choked again, still fighting the pesky thing. 

More footsteps. Another silhouette. Glasses on an unfamiliar face and latex rubbing against your skin. “It’s okay, you’re safe. I’m going to take this out now, okay? On the count of three. One, two, three!” 

You gasped and coughed at the removal. Your lungs filled with air of your own accord. More coughing. You attempted to swallow, but your mouth was so dry. The lingering phantom of a headache filled the side of your head. 

“Try a sip of this, sweetheart.” 

The nurse’s tone was honey to your ears. You swallowed the water the moment it hit your lips. One swallow and then another. Two more and suddenly, you were gulping like crazy. 

“Easy, or you’ll choke,” Chan gently reminded you. 

The nurse pulled the glass away when you finished. “Do you know where you are?” 

“Hospital?” 

“Do you remember your name?” 

“Chan?” 

“I’m right here, honey. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. Do you remember your name? This nice nurse wants to help you get better. Your doctor is on his way.” 

Every question asked, you answered it perfectly. A buzz of excitement swirled around the room from your consciousness. Seungmin and Felix left the room to give everyone the good news. 

When the doctor concluded you were stable, he disappeared with the nurse. A silence fell between you and Chan. You still couldn’t see perfectly, but you could feel the weight of his hand in yours. 

“Baby, I’m so sorry for that night.” 

“I don’t want to talk about that night.” 

“I was an idiot.” 

“Dumbass,” you weakly corrected him. 

“I see getting hit by a semi-truck hasn’t taken away your sass.” 

“If I can survive this, I can survive anything.” 

“I love you and I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah, I love you and I don’t want to hear anything else about that. I’m so tired. Can you sing me to sleep or something?” 

“If I do, promise you won’t die?” 

“I promise.” 

Even if you couldn’t make out his face, you knew his voice, and that was good enough for you. 

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @lia-linny @seungnishi @stellasays45 @emilyywhyy @rockstarkkami @flightlessackerman @danihwang882 @inlovewithstraykids @velvetmoonlght

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[suprababka]

OMG I'm completely in love with your writing is just so good, I already binge read all of posts, i really want to know your headcannons about cuddling stuff with the opm characters?

Hellooo!👋 Thank you, I'm really happy to hear that you enjoy what I do🥰 And thank you for the request! Of course I'll do it ;D And sorry for taking so long! As you could see, my first post with hcs was published on the 25th of December (2024)💀 But I'm planning to try to post headcanons more regularly😉 (this ask was sent on the 19th of June, chat😅) If something is not right, please let me know, and I'll fix it. Have fun!💕

Cuddling & hugs with them

A/N: fun fact: my name is Nicole (shortly, Nika)🙋‍♀️

Thanks for all the likes, comments, reblogs and following me! I really appreciate your feedback and support, guys!🥰🫶

You can check my masterlist too see more of my other works.

Prepare for possible OOC!

(Sorry if there are any mistakes!)

And, most importantly, enjoy!!!

It'd be rather awkward to hug him at first

Just imagine: you open your arms to hug him only to see his classic poker face

Double kill if he asks you what are you trying to do💀

Though he doesn't protest when you tell him that you want to give him a hug and proceed to do it

He just stands with his hands in pockets

Saitama feels like he did something wrong when you let go of him, trying to hide your disappointment and embarrassment

It's not that he doesn't know what hugs are

He just doesn't understand the idea of them

At first

You keep giving him hugs there and there, and he gets used to them

For some reason, it brings him a sense of comfort and reasurance that you're here

(so yeah, he starts to actually miss your hugs when you're not around)

Some time later, he responds to your embraces

Well, he just puts his hand on the side of your waist

(or sometimes even playfully swat your butt)

He doesn't want to wrap his arms around you and squeeze you, as he's afraid he'll overdo it and hurt you

Oh, and yes, he won't initiate hugs

Though you can expect his hand to be on your waist when you're walking together

But sadly, that's all

Cuddles is a whole new level for Saitama to complete

He likes his personal space: to sit or lay in his favourite pose, to scratch his rear, pick his nose, etc.

But he can't do that while cuddling with you

That's what he thought

But in reality, it's not so bad

You find a position that you're both comfortable with: he lays behind you on his side, supporting his head with his hand or sometimes even placing it on top of yours

He can watch the TV, feel your smell and warmth, scratch his butt, lay like he wants and do other things

A real bliss🤌✨

As for you, you love being the little spoon as well

To feel Saitama's warmth, his hot breath against your neck, occasional kisses on top of your head and sometimes even his strong arm draped over you as your personal shield from everything

The same goes to when you're cuddling in bed, reading manga together, brushing your teeth, taking the bath...

And yes, you're not going to be the big spoon, sorry

Saitama is just not a touchy partner

But hey, he has other ways to make you feel loved ;)

Another man who is unfamiliar with hugs

But it's different with Genos

He wants to be the best boyfriend for you

And he knows that hugs and cuddles are important aspects in relationships as they provide love and support for your significant other

Hence, the S-class hero spends a lot of time watching other couples, reading different articles on the Internet (even watching videos) and, of course, asking your opinion on what you're comfortable with

You tell him that hugs and cuddles shouldn't be forced, it all comes from heart

As you bump on his chest (where presumably his mechanic heart is), he raises his eyebrow a little

After he processes the information, he claims that he understands you

He doesn't really

After that, he takes some time to observe you and to analyze when and how he should hug you

For example, when you both greet each other, he'll place his hand on your waist and kiss your cheek

When you're walking together, he'll place his palm on the lower of your back

When you're feeling sad, he'll embrace you and hold you in his arms until you start feeling better

When you're both sitting on the couch, he'll wrap his arm around your shoulder

Well, you get the drill

Genos also asks Dr. Kuseno to make his arms and abs a bit softer for you..?

(somehow)

He just wants you to feel comfortable in his arms, like you're hugging a person, not a robot

But you reassure him that you see him as a human

It means to him more than you think

Some time later, you notice that your boyfriend's approach to hugging you changed

As if he started putting more soul into it

Don't get me wrong, his hugs didn't lack of affection

They just were kinda... automatic? Like, a trigger happened and then Genos would embrace you as if following a programmed scenario

But fortunately, Genos figures it out (not without your help)

Moving on, you're in full control when it comes to cuddles

Wanna be a small or big spoon? No complaints from Genos

He doesn't really have preferences

Your comfort is all that matters to him

He'll warm you up or, vice versa, cool you down with his body if needed

If you had a hard day, he'd listen to you while giving you a massage

He'll also give you sudden kisses on your cheek, forehead, hair, neck, etc.

(oh, and he'll admire your beauty while you're not looking)

All in all, Genos is a perfect partner for cuddles and hugs

He just needs some time to figure it all out <3

He's low-key touch starved and scared to do anything first

What if you're uncomfortable hugging him? Or you're not a fan of physical touch? Or..?

He's always happy to be with you and even allows himself to be a bit childish

And his inner child wants to give you a big hug!

On one of your dates, he greets you and subconsiously opens his arms to put you into his embrace

Only to stop in mid-way

What was he thinking? Were you really eager to hug him as well?

You notice Sonic's awkward attempt to hug you and pretend to just stretch

You smile and wrap your arms around him, placing head on his chest

He's surprised, but hugs you back immediately

Sonic's grip tightens around you and his nose is burried in your hair, smelling your scent

Ah, if Sonic could, he'd hold you like this forever

Just like that, you signed your death warrant

Sonic becomes your personal coala and doesn't miss an opportunity to wrap his arm around you

(he doesn't mind if you want be coala as well though)

He'll playfully squeeze you, tickle you, pepper your head with kisses, breathe in your scent, caress your curves, warm you up, and just enjoy your presence, whispering sweet nothings

Please do tell if it gets overbearing for you

Sonic will hate it if you suffer in silence because of him

The same thing goes to cuddles, obviously

He likes being both big and small spoon

Big because he feels like your personal protector (and pillow)

Small because, again, he wants to be pampered like a child

It really makes him feel loved when he's lying on top of you and you run your fingers through his hair

In one sentence, Sonic freaking LOVES hugging you and cuddling with you💕

You'll be the first to initiate hugs

And not just hugs that you give someone when you're greeting them

But a supporting, more meaningful one

You and Garou are just spending time together in the park, talking about everything

Feeling emotional and comfortable, you lean closer to your boyfriend and wrap your arms around him, sighing pleasantly

It makes him stop in the middle of the sentence and just stare at you dumbfounded, not knowing how to react and what to do

Garou has never been hugged before

Usually, if not always, when he gets physical with someone, it happens in a fight

Now he feels... warm and safe

Yeah, it's definitely better than being punched

Garou hesitantly hugs you back, still trying to get used to the feeling

When you start pulling away, he doesn't let go of you, tightening his grip on you

"Wait... Don't move, let's stay like this... at least for a little while, please," he whispers

And of course you don't protest

(you wanted to stop hugging your boyfriend because you were afraid you went too far in the first place, but seeing his reaction, you relax)

After that, you start hugging each other to show appreciation, support and love for each other

Garou gets a habit to hug you from behind and burry his face into the crook of your neck as you both stand in silence

It can mean two things: he's tired or overwhelmed and needs you to calm or reassure him

Or he's just showing his gratitude and love for you, basking in your presence

Of course, the same goes to you

Your boyfriend will always be happy to hold you in his arms when you need him

But don't get me wrong, you hug each other not only in moments of comfort

For example, when you both greet each other, you wrap your hand around Garou's neck as he places his on your lower back

(and lightly slapping your butt with another)

He also sometimes wraps his arm around you to make sure that you're here with him

This goes to especially when you're in crowded places and he's afraid you might get lost or worse

When your boyfriend feels silly, he likes to lift you up, carry you in bridal style, place you on his shoulder, supporting your legs, and even swirl you around him

Well, you catch the drift

(usually, it happens to show you his strength and just have fun)

Oh, and how could I forget to mention that he definitely swings his arm over you when you're both sitting on the couch/bench/etc.

Or he's sitting behind you on top of the bench/step with his arms around you and his chin on top of your head

Garou also loves it when you're sitting on his lap!!!

He may seem as someone who is not a big fan of cuddles, but in reality, they bring him a sense of comfort as well

Garou is always the big spoon tho

When you're cuddling on the sofa, your back pressed against his chest and his arms are encircling you like a protective shield or are gently caressing your curves

Usually, you're discussing different topics or just enjoying each other's presence in silence

When you're in bed, you lay your head on Garou's chest as his arms are around you (again)

If you're lying on one of your sides, of course your boyfriend's arm is draped over you and his face is nuzzled against your hair/neck

Alright, I think I wrote enough about Garou (and no, it's not because he's one of my favs... I hope)🫡

The main point is that hugs and cuddles with Garou are full of love and comfort🥰

Ooooh, this man loves hugs and cuddles

I believe he'll try to hug you on your first date, opening his arms broadly

And pull you into the bear hug

(if you're comfortable with it, that is)

Metal Bat melts when he feels you squeeze him in return

After that, you both start a tradition of Badd scooping you in his arms when you meet each other

Sometimes you like to press your foreheads together and peck each other's lips

He likes to briefly hug you or wrap his arm around when he can

Standing in the queue? He puts his hands on your waist and places his chin in top of your head (if he's taller than you; if not, then nuzzles his face against your neck/back)

Walking down the street? A strong arm around your shoulder can be expected

Feeling joyous? Please hug him, and he'll whirl you

You're anxious because of the crowded place? Badd is here to let you hug his arm or, again, take you under his wing

You always feel loved and secure in his arms

And Metal Bat loves holding you in his arms, patting your head, leaving soft kisses there and there, admiring your beauty, whispering compliments or just saying how much he loves you

He also likes to show off his strength and carries you in his arms/lifts you up

+ gives you piggybackrides!

Badd is really warm, by the way

In addition, his hugs feels like home, like all the worries and problems disappear

And cuddles too!

They're one of his favourite ways of spending time with you

Feeling your head resting on his chest and his hands stroking your back is a true heaven for him

Or vice versa, when he's really worn out or stressed from his hero work, he lays on top of you, burrying his face in your chest and feeling your fingers running through his hair in a soothing way

This helps him to relax

Your presence in general always brings him peace

Just like his does the same to you

That's why you both don't really have a favourite pose for cuddles, as you're both craving for each other's warmth and touch

Well, alright, you and Badd totally love it when Tama joins you two

I don't know how to emphasise enough that hugs and cuddles with Metal Bat are the best

He is your personal Teddy Bear after all :3

(yes, I'm biased towards this man and I'm not sorry)

(I swear, Metal Bat's hugs/cuddles would solve 90% of my prolems)

(chat, is it normal that I had a few breakdowns because he's not real and, consequently, will never be my husband?)

(sorry, let's move on🔜)

I believe that Amai Mask is actually not a huggy person

Yeah, he can semihug his fans when they're taking pictures

And that's all

That was until you came into his life

You'll be first one to hug him

In return, he'll just pat your head

And that's how most of your hugs will go

You don't really mind because you still feel his love and comfort when he strokes your hair or spine

Ah, the way he gently puts his hand on the back of your head and brings it to his chest when you're sad🥹

Beaut loves it when you hug him from behind, nuzzling your face against his muscular back

Or when you wrap your arms around his neck and place your chin on top of his head when he's sitting in his director's chair/work armchair

Yeah, you read that right

This man loves to show you off

And work is no exception

He demonstratively places you on his lap, one hand is around your shoulders and another is caressing your thigh

Meanwhile, your arms are hugging his neck and your cheek is pressed against his temple

No one dares to even say a word towards you

And of course he loves to put his hand on your side as you both walk down the street or the red carpet of some Gala (i.e. in the public)

(kinda possessive if you ask me, but hey, I like moderately possessive men😏)

As I've mentioned before, Amai loves it when you straddle his lap

And when it's just the two of us as well

(especially when you're sitting on him with your arms around his neck as his hands support your lower back)

Beaut likes to pull you close to him when you're showering, taking bath and chilling in the jacuzzi together

He says that he's a serious man and doesn't need cuddles

Also him: doesn't let go of you when you're going to sleep

Really, he acts like a baby and whines if you leave the bed to use the toilet or to do some other stuff instead of snuggling against him

(it stays as a secret between you)

To sum up, Amai tends to wrap his arm around you to show the world that you're his and he's yours

And he will never admit that he craves for your presence, which brings him comfort at night

But you understand everything perfectly well😏

You can forget about hugs with Flashy Flash

Alright, almost forget

He lets you cling to him but doesn't wrap his arms around you or even put his hand on your side

Like I said, he's not fan of hugging and struggles with showing affection for you

Flashy doesn't want to hurt your feelings by pushing you away from him

That's why he prefers to just stand there like this🧍

Until you release him from your hug

S-class hero believes it's the best compromise

What he doesn't realise is that you start feeling like you're annoying your boyfriend

Or he doesn't even want to touch you...

This hurts

Soon Flash notices how corners of your lips curl downwards and your eyes seem to lose their light each time you hug him and pull away, not feeling any mutuality

After a while, you stop snuggling against him

For some reason, Flashy Flash doesn't like this at all

Gladly, you both talk it out

(you're quite surprised when your boyfriend brings up this issue in one of your conversations, as you thought he didn't care about that at all)

The next time you hug Flash, a muscular arm drops over your shoulder and caresses it in a soothing way

What amazes you more is that Flashy Flash even initiates semihugs

And who would know that the S-Class Rank 10 professional hero is clingy when it comes to cuddles?

No, of course he doesn't drop his serious façade and acts like he doesn't need this sort of affection

But the way he holds you tighter in bed and moves closer to you when you're both cuddling tells you otherwise

It'd be even funnier if he preferred being the small spoon

But, oh well, he likes to your protector

What else can I say?

Flashy Flashy may be not a professional hugger and cuddler, but he's not bad either😉

Zombieman actually likes hugging you

He'll be hesitant to pull you into his embrace because he'll be damned if he make you upset by doing something you're uncomfortable with

So he asks if he could hug you on one of your dates

And you happily let him do so

Later, Zombieman just opens his arms, silently inviting to his embrace, instead of asking

He also tends to do that as a way to greet you

Your boyfriend, being the gentleman he is, definitely puts his hand on your lower back or side when you're walking in public to make sure you don't get lost

And you, being the loving girlfriend you are, cling closer to him only to feel his grip gently tighten around you

Fun fact: even though he's a zombie and his body is cold, he can keep you warm in his embrace

And cool you down as well if it's hot for you

His hugs are always tender and delicate

And of course cuddles as well

He may come off as a serious professional hero who is not snuggly at all

But in reality, it's all otherwise

Zombieman adores late-night evenings when both of you lay in bed and talk about anything, spooning each other

(ah, the way he looks at you while you're babbling about your day🥹)

Really, these evenings are everything to him

He has his beloved woman by his side whom he can listen to forever, and all of his worries melt away

What can be better than that?

You don't know it, but when you fall asleep in your lover's arms, he stays awake for a while just to simply appreciate the moment and your sleeping form

He feels like the luckiest man on Earth

And he is ;)

Anyway, Zombieman loves holding you in his arms and feeling your presence

It makes him feel like human☺️

Another hug enjoyer!

Definitely will be nervous to pull you into his arms tho

So you'll have to make the first move

And after that, King clasps you into his embrace every chance he gets

But not in a clingy way

He sees hugs as a way to support you, show his love for you, and just... feel happy, you know?

His mood always brightens when he has you in his arms, your face burried in his neck and his head is resting on top of yours (or his hands pat you)

When you share some good news with your boyfriend, he opens his arms with a broad smile, like some kind of miracle happened

(he looks like a cute, enthusiastic boy <3)

And you get pulled into a bear hug

(if you don't like these types of hugs, he won't do that, of course)

What else you should know is that King gets super shy about wrapping his arms around you in crowded places

He feels awfully awkward to take action for some reason

(both of you know that it's due to his social anxeity)

But he'll be grateful if you take the lead and at least hug his arm

When it gets less crowded, he feels at ease and can hug your shoulders

At home, hugs with him immediately turn into cuddles

Come on, he is hikkan and otaku

Of course he'd love to bask in your love

To lay his head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat with closed eyes, as you sigh contentedly and play with his fair

As you could have guessed, you're the big spoon most of time

However, when you're both playing videogames or reading manga, he likes to have you on his lap and place his chin on your shoulder

The same goes to when you're taking bath together

In other cases, I believe King will be the small spoon

What can I say? He's your baby boy😚

[genderqueerdykes]

About your "Men (including cishet men) welcome to interact" post

As someone who's most important/supportive person in their life is our dad, & we have (or just have meet) other men who has meant a lot to us or have been really supportive or even our role models, sometimes people hatred or just distrust they have and how openly rude they are about it just a lot sometimes. Obviously & Honestly there's a lot to be said here(about this topic as whole) but we are not able to(personal comfortability & actual writing ability). Thank you for being a blog that has been here allowing us to be able to explore, understand, learn our(& others) identities/experiences in world, not making us feel bad for the people who support us just because of how the judge based off of the same thing the rest of society shuns us for. (a side note because of your blog we were able to get the nerve and make the push to start T just over a year ago now. A lot of it due to the help and support we got from our dad, who despite us being an adult has financially covered everything for it and the rest of our health as we are also disabled and only recently have been able to work at all) Thank you for your time in just reading this if ya do.

thanks for taking the time to send this, i really appreciate it!

i'm tired of seeing hate for the sake of hate. hate solves very little. like being a hater sucks actually, it's not cool to be shitty to other people for no reason. it bothers me deeply that people refuse to accept that there genuinely are cishet men who are queer allies out there, and in fact, some of them are absolutely amazing queer allies. i've had friends who were cishet men and gendered me correctly after i came out to them. i've had cishet men stand up for me when someone questions my manhood.

nobody considers the fact that there are queer people that just might have a loved one, partner, or friend who is a cishet man. why would it ever be okay to openly show hate to someone who supports you? hell, how you even expect someone to respect your gender and your orientation if you hate them based off of their gender and orientation? profiling someone based off of their gender & orientation is quite literally what queerphobes do, and doing it to random cishet men who haven't hurt you will not make those queerphobes stop profiling you.

treating someone else like shit just because you've been treated like shit is passing your trauma on to someone else. you're bleeding on someone who did not cut you.

(a side note because of your blog we were able to get the nerve and make the push to start T just over a year ago now. A lot of it due to the help and support we got from our dad, who despite us being an adult has financially covered everything for it and the rest of our health as we are also disabled and only recently have been able to work at all)

first of all i'm so happy to hear that! i hope things have been going well for you with T, and i am genuinely so fucking happy to hear that your dad is so supportive. he sounds amazing i'm glad he wants to help you become the happiest version of yourself you can be. there really are supportive cishet men out there. some of them are dads, uncles, cousins, brothers, sons, friends and partners. there's no reason we should treat them like absolute shit when they support us. we need to love them just as they love us.

take care of yourself! thank you for sending this i really appreciate it! let me know if you need any help with regards to HRT! im always happy to help! good luck in your transition, stay safe!

[glowettee]

✧ pre-med extracurriculars: for my future doctor angels ✧

hi my lovely pre-med angels!! 🤍 it's mindy hereee!

today's post is extra special because so many of you have been asking about extracurriculars for medical school!! if you know, my ultimate dream is to become a doctor, i'd love to either be a psychiatrist or a cardiologist, so anything medical-related is my favorite cup of coffee!! i'm literally so excited to share this comprehensive guide that will help you shine on your future applications. this post is for you if you're in high school or college, this guide will be your bestie through the journey!!

~ ♡ for my precious high school sweethearts ♡ ~

hospital + healthcare volunteering (my absolute fave!!) • aim for 100-150 hours minimum • try different departments to explore • build relationships with nurses + staff • pro tip: volunteer during summer break for more hours • keep a reflection journal of your experiences • bonus: ask for recommendation letters if you connect well!!

research opportunities • reach out to local universities • email professors about summer programs • join science fairs with medical projects • create your own research project • tip: start with literature reviews if labs aren't available • document everything for future applications!!

leadership + school involvement • start a medical interest club • lead health awareness campaigns • organize blood drives • create mental health support groups • join science olympiad • participate in biology competitions • personal story: i started a "future doctors club" + it literally changed my life!!

~ ♡ for my darling college angels ♡ ~

clinical experience (super important!!) • medical scribing (literally the best!!) • certified nursing assistant (CNA) • emergency medical technician (EMT) • phlebotomy certification + gain a bunch of different certifications online • medical assistant • tip: aim for 200+ hours minimum • pro secret: try different specialties!!

research involvement • join multiple labs if possible • aim for publication opportunities • present at conferences • write abstracts + papers • network with graduate students • maintain good relationships with PIs • secret tip: join journal clubs!!

leadership positions • pre-med society officer • tutoring coordinator • mentorship program leader • research team leader • volunteer coordinator • tip: create new positions if none exist!!

~ ♡ extra special activities for everyone ♡ ~

medical mission trips (life-changing!!)

start a health education blog

create medical awareness social media

join medical podcasting

organize health fairs

volunteer at free/non-profit clinics

shadow different specialists

join pre-med summer programs

work as a pharmacy technician

volunteer at nursing homes

organize medical supply drives

create health education programs

~ ♡ my personal tips + secrets ♡ ~

quality over quantity always!!

maintain each activity for at least 6 months

document everything (literally everything!!)

take lots of pictures (for memories + portfolio)

get contact info from supervisors

keep detailed reflection journals

network with other pre-meds

create spreadsheets to track hours

always ask for recommendation letters

maintain professional relationships

~ ♡ time management secrets ♡ ~

use google calendar religiously

block schedule your activities

don't overcommit (seriously!!)

maintain 2-3 main activities

rotate seasonal activities

leave time for self-care

schedule study breaks

plan one year ahead

keep backup activities ready

remember my loves: medical schools want to see dedication + passion!! don't just collect activities like pokemon cards (even tho that would be cute). focus on meaningful experiences that truly speak to your heart!!

pro tip: start a bullet journal to track your journey!! include your thoughts, feelings, and learning experiences. future you will literally cry happy tears when writing your personal statement!!

also!! please please please remember that your mental health comes first!! it's okay to take breaks, it's okay to say no, and it's absolutely okay to prioritize self-care. you'll be a better doctor if you learn these habits now!!

sending you the biggest virtual hugs + all my love!! you're doing amazing sweetie, and your future patients will be so lucky to have you!!

feel free to send more asks if you need specific advice!! i'm always here to support my precious future doctors and followers i call my sweetheart community!!

xoxo, mindy 🤍

p.s. remember to hydrate, get enough sleep, and take your vitamins!! doctor's orders!! <3

p.p.s. i'll be sharing more detailed guides about each activity soon, so stay tuned my loves!!

btw, if you need personal study advice or anything, submit to glowettee hotline 💌: https://bit.ly/glowetteehotline

[lesbianherald]

so i know you're trying to process Coming Home being the top fic now but bestie are you aware that you hit 30k kudos?

ok. ok ok okok.

As a warning, I'm going to get really weird and personal here.

I got these this morning. Just like with the last one I have no idea what to do with this or how to appropriately deal with it lmao but to everyone who has been so nice - thank you. so much? this is a number so unfathomable to me that I've been trying to sit with it all day and simply cannot process it as real.

I don't want to care about numbers. I want to be super cool and chill and above that. but this is a really big one. and I think it also is really reflective of how big this community has grown. I've decided it would be odd not to acknowledge it.

This is one of the craziest, kindest, most lovely things that has ever happened to me. It feels so incredible and validating to know my work reached some people. That is quite literally all I want to do with my life. And now it feels like I might be able to with my own stuff. But its a lil deeper than that too. All the comments and support have genuinely been such an amazing balm during a really dark time in my life.

At the start, this fic was always a method of escapism for me. I've been under so much pressure in my real life. I'm in a really weird, really competitive transitional point. everything I write irl may make or break the rest of my career. It is a type of pressure I'm incredibly grateful and privileged to have, but still stressful nonetheless.

But then, as i was writing this fic, it became way more of a lifeline. Not to get too personal, and idk if people paid attention to my end notes, but if you did you'll note I fell victim to the ao3 curse last October in a really big way. I lost a dear friend of mine very suddenly.

Starting coming home was a way for me to write something just to write it, knowing that I could be myself and do whatever I want and just throw shit at the wall without worrying about anything. after my friend passed away, the escapism of it became that much more valuable. (btw I would not post about it were I not in a much better place with it so don't worry about me <3)

I feel like maybe it's important at this point to explain the meaning of all the support because I've genuinely been unable to express it in a way I find appropriate. every piece of art every sweet comment etc. etc. helped get me through this really weird, sad, shocking time. As "cringe" as it might seem... fandom and fanfic can be really meaningful, powerful, and connective.

All this being said. coming home was definitely released in the right time for this to happen. A multichapter released right before and during season 2 as well as in the months after? Like. It was primed for this a bit (not intentionally but still) So many fics that get posted now deserve the same amount of love and support.

I really hesitate with numbers. sharing them, abiding by them, gaining value from them. I also get nervous about how people will feel entitled to treat me because of them. But this is so insane it feels weird not to say a bigger thank you.

[bloopitynoot]

Reading TGCF: Chapter 30

For those who don't know, I am reading TGCF for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag Bloopitynoot reads TGCF. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read BUT if you followed along with my SVSSS read, the rules and vibe are the same.

Mr. Charles was being a dick this morning and decided to start screaming (meowing) at 5:30 am. Normally this is fine, I wake up at 5:30 but it's the weekend. I can't believe my son betrayed me so badly. So unfilial.

To cope I have a lady grey tea with some milk.

Let's get into chapter 30!

I would be so mad too if I found out my father (who has the authority and ability to take action) knew about Yong'an and just didn't react. p36

Okay but I don't agree with the sate preceptor at all. Him being all "you're too close to the issue to be reacting". Like I think it is important to stay at least a little human and in touch with people to know what they need. I'm curious to see how this turns out, but damn. I am sure there are pieces missing. No one else is doing anything, at least that we know, for Yong'an. p37

"As long as I act, there will be results, every little bit counts. Even if I can only save one person, that's still better than indifference and inaction" p38 I love this so much. Fuck I think this book is going to wreck me not even for the content, but because it feels like it's drawing a lot of parallels to the state of the world at the moment.

Damn. The fact that this issue became one with an impossible solution is rough. Like 0 ways to help these people. oof. At least not able to support them without the risk of more. This is the Trolley Problem. p42

Another downer omg.

I am glad these chapters have been hard but also short because it's been giving me time and space to take them in. oof my guys. Yall weren't lying. I truly am not surprised that Xie Lian is struggling with his mental health because the weight of carrying these disasters would be enough to ruin anyone.

[arnocto]

Do you have advice for a skinny guy looking to start their gaining journey? Especially around feeling self conscious and increasing appetite. Thanks!

So... It's gonna be a long answer, sorry for that hahaha

Yeah... It's a journey and it's always difficult to navigate between the kink, the real life, the healthy and the self-destructive aspect.

I'd say (and I am myself still working on it) that you have to get to know yourself, know what you love or what you like less, and why. Don't say you hate something about you, instead try to figure out why it's not something you appreciate, see if there's a way to change it, and if not, well try to accept it and find positive aspects to it.

Most important tip I could give: do whatever you do for you and only you. Even if you're into being sub, don't grow or do something you are not yourself willing to do. Plus! Don't try to look like someone els, having goals is nice, but you are unique and even if there are amazing shapes around social medias, pictures and videos are selected to show beauty and not reality. Try to be the best version of yourself and don't change to be someone you're not.

As for the capacity I tested a LOOOT of things since I am genetically programmed to be a twink, so I had to work on that.

There are some pills to help to grow appetit, such as fenugrec (well, it's Phytotherapie, so you need a long and massive exposition for it to work a little bit, really, but at least it's a mild approach) . I personally prefer the soft torture of funnel feeding.

BUT! please... Don't look at videos of gainers holding the funnel horizontally, it's not how it works. and they should know about that.

I personnaly started with a simple beer funnel with a valve that you can find on wish, temu, amazone, whatever, and every night I was chugging whole milk before bed after a nice last meal.

Why? Because we want you to be at full capacity, stomach stretched to his usual maximum.

The funnel, held vertically, will give pressure and speed to the milk (or whatever liquid you are using) and overstretch your full stomach. Overnight the liquid will be rapidly eliminated and leave behind an empty stomach with a larger capacity already. Do it regularily and you'll see a difference but take your time.

Be careful, don't overdo it, start with little volumes, take time to sit for awhile afterward and let the air out, try to have someone to support you especially in the beginning, and keep in mind that the higher the funnel, the stronger the pressure, if it's too much, bring it down a bit.

I started my first funnels with 500ml of milk and now I can chug up to 2liters of mass gainer in one go, approximatively 30 to 40 seconds.

Don't hesitate to ask me if you want more details, I hope I answered your questions.

Take care, and I hope you'll fulfill your dreams and stomach

[mariigoldzz]

No offense but I feel like a lot of those pretentious hunger games posts about how the fandom "continues to ignore the message!" and how the movies "are bad representations of a great series and Suzanne Collins is a poor misunderstood author😡" are written to make the OP seem smart. There IS some truth these posts, but don't forget that Sunrise On The Reaping's book and movie were announced the same day. She clearly has SOME sort of contract or wants Lionsgate to make movies on her books. If she was THAT "misunderstood and angry at the film industry." like some people in this fandom claim then Haymitch would only get a book, not his own movie to go with it. Sorry.

Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. You don't have to like the movies, and you can be mad at the fandom. These posts are starting to get on my nerves though and I needed to rant. (More in the tags)

[backpackingspace]

Okay but consider post Canon over protective Athena who is sick to death of her most devout being raped.

Athena sticking close to the whole family and promising penelope that she'll keep a close eye on odysseus the first time he has to go into the market and penelope can't go with him. (She was going to go anyway. She's never actually going to let any of them out of her sight ever again. And it's an easy promise to her dearest weaver who seems so distressed to have odysseus leaving her side.)

Athena fully manifesting in the market when someone grabs odysseus with godly flashes of snakes and owls and the drums of war to scream /release him/ (odysseus is feeling indulgent for both his patron and his wife it's so cute that they're this worried it's not like he couldn't defend himself just fine. Especially from whatever poor fuck just grabbed him who definitely doesn't deserve a goddess screaming in his face. Hes trying so hard not to laugh if he did athena would send him flying.)

Athena telling all the other gods that yes she knows odysseus is the favorite barbie doll she choose him well after all and to back the fuck off if any of them bother him again they will have made an enemy of her.

Athena disguising odysseus only as an old beggar from here on out instead of an irresistibly tall and handsome man. Because she saw how uncomfortable nausicaa's attention made him.

[whenfatecollides]

Xena Warrior Princess 3x07 The Debt (2)

You mean that I should serve someone who hates me. More than that, you need to serve someone you hate. I'd rather die. You've been a dead woman for a long time now Xena, I'm offering you the chance to live.

[ageless-aislynn]

The one thing I regret the most is that I can't support everybody as much as I wish I could. I want to comment on everything my mutuals say because whatever they posted is important to them, so it's important to me, too! I want to comment on and reblog every fic they write, everything they draw, every GIFset they make, every headcanon post, every theory they put forth. I just want them to know how much I value them and their opinions and the things they create and I just inevitably miss so much and it makes me sad.

[lizzerswillpoststuffmethinks]

Spoiler: I didn't go to sleep. But I will shortly after this post

[wings-of-flying]

could i, an eighteen year old with zero experience running a d&d podcast and a patreon for said podcast, do better than the council who've had several years of experience and amassed a fan base who so willingly offer (sometimes constructive) criticism on all that's not working? well i don't know, because i don't have the resources or time or energy for a project like that, but i do still understand that their current system isn't working

[wallissa]

did I ever talk about the fact that I wrote a fic where Homelander has a wet dream about Starlight and Soldier Boy*. What an intense ride. Really fun stuff though.

*he's there for moral support. With his shield and everything. top notch stuff I have to say.

[knifearo]

I've been enjoying all your posts lately, especially all the community engagement. It makes me think about posting more personal aroace content instead of just reblogging.

I'm full of feelings but not sure what I really have to contribute to the conversation. Aro-identified people skew young and I feel like nobody's going to care what a middle aged aroace has to say but now I'm like hang on, maybe all aro content is good content, I don't know, I'm thinking about it.

i am absolutely of the opinion that all aro content is good content! especially because a lot of us skew young, i think it's so important to have (first of all just aro content in General. there's always a lack of that. but especially) aro content from people who don't usually have their perspectives talked about. if you've got nothing to contribute to the conversation that's fine :) more than half the time i do not either, i just make a silly happy little lah di dah i love aromanticism post and chit chat with all the little aromantic people who live on my laptop. if you're aromantic and you're engaging with the community then everybody should be more than happy to have you there :) just like you said. all aro content is good content. your opinion is valuable and your presence is treasured <2

[longagoitwastuesday]

One thing about me is that I will stand by basically every bad deed of my favourite characters fully aware of them being bad deeds. I just don't care