#but i have been cramping the whole damn month and i am tired of hurting

[l33tsaber]

Once I get the Saga Of My Gallbladder wrapped up, I really need to harry my gyno more relentlessly about figuring out just what the heckie is up with the southern bits.

[sixeyesgojo]

jjk characters handling your period

Summary: “What do you mean, no baby this month either? Okay, suffer then.” - your damn uterus

Pairings: Gojo/Megumi/Nanami/Naoya/Toji x Reader

Content warning: the monthly bloody nightmare your uterus puts you through and the whole shebang that comes with it, language warning, suggestive themes, explicit warning for Toji (you’ll see why)

A/N: purely self-indulgent because I suffer. @megumifushi and @sukirichi , my gals, I gotcha. Also dedicated to all readers who suffer from the same fate (may it be right now or not). Also: Yes, absolutely open the video I linked in Megumi’s part (it’s safe, I promise).

Gojo Satoru

You turn and turn in bed uncomfortably. Something isn’t right, you think and it’s not the fact that Satoru is missing next to you. Not knowing immediately irritates you. All of a sudden you become painfully aware of your lower region. Yes, of course it had to be that time of the month. You just knew you already stained your panties and perhaps the sheets haven’t been spared either. Getting out of bed, then realizing it was already past noon, you sprinted to the bathroom. Fuck, moving fast was not a good idea. 

Having changed the sheets and your stained panties, you made your way to the kitchen. Your stomach growled, signaling you were hungry, but at the same time you feared. Smelling food, let alone tasting too much of it, was a slippery slope – either your nose would protest or your stomach, no in-between. Regardless, you had to eat; or were you supposed to starve to death because of this? Not in this lifetime. “I AM BACK!” an annoyingly loud voice rang through the apartment. You groan and turn around. “Fuck off, Satoru,” you say. Your irritation flaring up for seemingly no reason. “Stop being so motherfucking loud. My head feels like it’s going to split in two and my pussy is fighting the crimson war right now,” you snarled at him.

“Oh honey, seems like I called the right shots then,” he declared proudly and held up a bag filled with... snacks? “I already called in sick for you for the next few days,” Satoru continued to explain as he wrapped his arms around you, “and I’ll be by your side 24/7 for the next two days. We’ll do fun stuff. How does movie night with lots of cuddling for tonight sound?”

“Why are you so nice to me right now?” you mumbled, tears welling up in your eyes. “Simple: I don’t want to be castrated by you,” he whispered back and planted a kiss on your cheek. “Fair enough. What will we do tomorrow?” He stayed silent but pulled out a black card out of his sleeve. You gasped.

Fushiguro Megumi

Ping. A notification. Quickly, you scrambled to get your phone to see what that was about. You desperately needed some distraction right now. The pain was too much. Your boyfriend Megumi had gone somewhere you didn’t know. All you knew was that your boobs were sore, the sensitive nipples rubbing against the fabric were already too much. In addition to that, you also experienced period cramps, resulting in back pain as well. Life was not easy at the moment but at least you could lay in bed for today, doing absolutely nothing.

Unlocking your phone, you saw a new message from Yuji: “omg look at this???” [Video link] It was a video of 42 seconds. There was a cute seal – probably the cutest and fluffiest seal you have ever seen – and background music. It may have only lasted 42 seconds but it definitely triggered some happy feelings inside you; it was so pure and you loved the energy of the clip. Perhaps these feelings were a bit too intense and overwhelming. Tears streamed down your face and you started sobbing uncontrollably. Why were you like this? It wasn’t even a sad video, was it?

You buried your face in the blankets, weeping as if someone just broke up with you. Through your loud crying, you did not notice the door opening. A jangling noise could be heard from your nightstand. Instantly, you shot up to check for intruders but luckily, it was Megumi. A frown spread on his face. “What happened?” he asked as his thumbs wiped your tears from your cheeks. You showed him the video, still sobbing, “Look at the seal... It’s so c-cute. I just... got emotional because it really t-traveled the world. This cutie deserves the whole world...”

“And so do you,” he bluntly stated, “now take the ibuprofen I brought you for the cramps and rest up.” As a matter of fact, he not only brought you painkillers but a hot water bottle and food as well.

Nanami Kento

“No, give me that. Lay down and rest. I can dust off the shelves on my own,” his deep voice commanded. If there was a man that screamed “male wife” it was definitely Nanami Kento, particularly when it came to you being on your period. You weren’t allowed to do anything in the house, except for very light chores. With good reason. “Kento, I can do–” Yeah, no, it wasn’t possible and Kento knew it too well.

You weren’t lucky when it came to period symptoms. Besides excruciating back pain, extremely sore breasts and headaches, you also had the luck to suffer from dizziness every single time you experienced the monthly nuisance. The first time you even passed out. In fact, it had happened several times. And that was precisely how Kento decided to not let you do anything. Still, you felt bad to leave everything to Kento. His work already demanded so much from him and here you were, being babied and even spoon-fed. You didn’t even have to cook your own meals or wash and iron laundry.

You had barely said those words when the unwelcome whirling sensation took you over again. Your feet wobbled, you were in danger of crashing to the ground. In a flash, Kento was by your side to steady you. “I told you not to overdo it.” He cupped your cheek with his warm hand. “Sorry, Kento. I’ll... just rest for a minute.”

Zenin Naoya

Period pain? Laughable. Naoya thought it was pathetic. A woman – these already weak creatures – having period symptoms was a mystery to him. What could possibly hurt about bleeding a little? He couldn’t understand. Your pitiable and sorry state was only another inconvenience to him. Not that you hindered him in any way – you were obedient enough to be quiet and complain as little as possible – but he absolutely despised seeing that annoying expression of pain on your face every time he had to look at it.

Hell, he didn’t even want to engage in sexual activities with you during that time, even though he had randomly picked up somewhere that it might help. Not that he wanted to help you, it was your problem and yours only, not his. “Stop looking at me with those eyes. It’s disgusting,” he remarked condescendingly as he got dressed for wherever he had to go. “When will you be back?” you croaked out but he totally ignored you.

“Women are so damn weak. It’s so fucking pathetic, I almost want to give you a hug,” Naoya gagged. He was about to leave the room but stopped in his tracks. Looking over his shoulder, he caught a glimpse of your face that was contorted with pain. In long strides, he made it to one of the cabinets, fished out a tiny box and threw it on the bed. “Tsk, you better get well soon so you can serve me again, dumb bitch.”

Fushiguro Toji (soft)

Work hadn’t been treating him kindly: not yesterday, not today, not ever. Although he was highly capable and never failed to exceed himself, all Toji truly wanted to do was to go home. When he finally made it through the door, he called out, “Am home.” Usually, you would come running to greet him but when nothing but silence greeted him, his hand instantly moved to the cursed creature lingering on his shoulder. It was suspicious. Did enemies manage to find this hideout? Where were you? His hands started sweating.

Stealthily, he approached the kitchen. To his surprise, he saw your form in front of the counter, hunched over in pain. Dropping his offensive stance immediately, he quickly strode over to check on you. “Hey, what are you doing there?” he asked, hesitatingly putting a hand on your shoulder. You looked at him, grimacing with pain, “Oh, Toji. I didn’t realize you were home yet. Sorry, I��m not done cooking dinner yet, I just feel so nauseous, exhausted and my entire back  and shoulders hurt so much. It’s so sore.” “I see.” He nodded, understanding what was happening. Suddenly, he lifted you effortlessly. You squealed, “Toji!! What are you doing?!” “Taking care of you,” he promised. “But dinner!” “Don’t care.”

Making his way to the bedroom, Toji laid down with you on top of him. Something about his warmth already made you feel better but as his large palms rubbed your back in circular motions, you felt as if you were in heaven. Toji’s ministrations soothed the pain so well, you almost let out a moan. Now that the pain didn’t overshadow all the other symptoms anymore, the drowsiness took over. “Toji, ‘m tired,” you mumbled; eyelids fluttering already. “Then sleep. I’ll take care of dinner later,” he whispered. You only hummed in response, already far too gone. Slowly but surely, his steady heartbeat lulled you to sleep. “Sleep tight.”

Taglist: @megumifushi​ @gojos-mochi​ @assbuttbaek​ @bleueluna​ 

[datleggy]

Totally random thought I had right as I am going to bed but ya know that show "I didn't know I was pregnant"? Buck would be on that show lol the boy is oblivious when it comes to his own body, so like I can perfectly picture him collapsing on the job one day wracked with pain, and then Hen is poking around his stomach where it hurts, her, Buck and Eddie packed into the back of the ambulance as Chim and Bobby drive to the hospital, and she gets out the stethoscope to try and listen for internal bleeding or anything but instead finds an infant heartrate and she's like "Buck, you're pregnant?" And he's like "uh, no? What the hell?" And then his water breaks and he tries to convince hen and Eddie that he had an accident bc even that would be a better alternative to suddenly figuring out he's about to have a baby???? What the fuck???? But Eddie holds his hand all the way through it and by the time they get to the hospital, Buck has a healthy newborn cradled against his chest, Eddie knelt beside him and alternating between kissing buck and the baby on the head, and observing the baby in disbelief. I can also picture Buck like, sobbing his sorry's to Eddie the entire time he's pushing, like "Eddie I swear I had no idea, if I had known, I would have told you!" And Eddie is just reassuring him the entire time like "don't worry about that now, Buck, just concentrate. No one is mad, okay? But you gotta focus on the- on the baby" and buck just sobs and nods and focuses on the delivery again. But for a good while Buck is in denial that any of this is happening and it takes a lot of convincing and encouragement from both hen and Eddie for him to start actively participating in his baby's birth. Anyways, random half asleep thought is finished sorry for the long ask hdshsjjsjdbsjsj

WELL SHIT ok so i actually love that show and i could see buck doing this lmao so i wrote a thing. also ignore all medical inaccuracies, this is my distraction from monday lmao let me have this wildly inept fic pls. 

also just in case, it’s pretty brief, i think, but TW for talk of weight and weight gain

It's nearing the end of their shift now and Buck can almost hear his feet howling at him in pain. Today hadn't even really been all that busy, he thinks, annoyed at his own body's betrayal. He's not even thirty yet, but in the last couple of months he's felt as though he's aged about ten years.

He's put on a few pounds, which isn't too uncommon, sometimes Buck goes through stretches of time where he eats more carbs than he needs and works out less than he'd like and so a little tummy fat is to be expected.

It normally doesn't bother him, except that in the last maybe three months he hasn't felt like exercising much outside of work but he's eaten nearly everything in sight every night. He's up about fifteen pounds, which he wouldn't have even noticed, seeing that he does fluctuate at times anywhere between five to eight pounds over or under what he usually weighs, if it hadn't been for Chimney teasing him about putting down his third Krispy Kreme donut of the day and picking up a barbell earlier this morning.

Chim and Buck poke fun at each other all the time--it's a staple in their friendship and brother ship, in fact--and Buck had flipped him the bird, nothing new there. What had been new was the fact that he'd excused himself to the bathroom right after that and locked himself in a stall and bawled his eyes out as quietly as humanly possible.

Buck grimaces, embarrassed still, by the outburst, even if no one had been there to witness it. He still has no idea what the hell that had been about this morning.

Eddie notices the sour mood and pulls him in close. "Hey, you ok?"

Buck nods. "Yeah, just tired. Ready to go home--shit." Buck feels a shooting pain so intense his knees buckle and Eddie has to hold him upright to keep him from hitting the floor. 

“Woah!” Eddie calls Bobby over, who’s closest, for help, “Buck? Buck, you with me? What’s wrong? What hurts?” 

Buck just shakes his head and grits his teeth, the pain so debilitating he can hardly breathe much less speak. 

The Captain is on his other side in an instant and together Eddie and Bobby help Buck towards the couch, where he collapses in a heap, throwing his head back and letting out an agonized whine. “What’s going on? Did he get hurt during one of the calls?” Bobby asks Eddie, frantic to help put a stop to this. 

Eddie’s helpless, “Bobby I don’t know, one second we were talking about going home and the next he practically fell to the floor in pain.” he turns to face his husband, “Baby, I’m here, look at me, what’s the matter? What hurts?” 

Buck’s face scrunches up and he finally exhales sharply, his grip on the couch cushions loosening, and he opens his eyes, wide like saucers, and says, “What the fuck was that?” 

At this point Hen and Chim, as well as half the crew, have gathered around and Hen is quick to put on her doctors hat and try to sus out the problem. She makes Bobby step aside and Chimney hands her a stethoscope. “Buck, is it your stomach?” she asks, noticing the stiff way he’s holding himself around his midriff. 

“I don’t--kinda? I don’t know. It was just like, this crazy wave of pain, almost like a cramp, but way worse.” he struggles to describe the feeling now that it’s more or less passed for the time being.  

Hen had seen Buck wince when he’d been in the harness on the last call of the day, but he hadn’t said anything and she hadn’t thought too much about it until now. “Did you hurt yourself in the harness earlier? Maybe pulled something when we reeled you back up?” she asks, palpitating his stomach with her fingers, watching him almost retract from her touch. 

“Maybe?” Buck shrugs uncomfortably, wincing when she hits a particularly sore spot. 

Something about this feels familiar and strangely obvious, but Hen doesn’t understand why until she puts her stethoscope up to his belly to check for lack of bowel sounds, indicating maybe some internal bleeding or sorts. 

Hen gasps out loud and sits up like she’s been smacked. 

Eddie frowns. “What? What’s wrong? Is he gonna be ok?” He almost wants to snatch the damn stethoscope out of her ears and check for himself, his eyes darting between Hen and Buck nervously. 

“Buck, you’re pregnant. And in labor, by the sounds of it.” Hen blurts out in disbelief. 

“What.” Buck blinks at her, waiting for the other shoe to drop. This has to be a joke. 

“I heard a heartbeat in there...” Hen informs them, still awed. “Buck, that was a contraction you just experienced.” 

Eddie gapes at Hen and then at Buck. “You’re pregnant?” 

Buck gapes right back at him. “No!” he denies, shaking his head incredulously. “That’s insane, I can’t be pregn--ah--” Buck leans forward in pain as another contraction begins. “Fuck.” 

“Jesus, yeah, no you’re definitely pregnant,” Chim announces, “Your water just broke all over my favorite couch, bud. I’m getting the ambulance ready asap.” he says, before running to do just that, head reeling. He thinks about Maddie and when she gave birth to their daughter and how scared out of his mind he’d been and he sympathizes for Buck and Eddie, who up until now apparently hadn’t even realizes they were expecting... 

Back at the lounge Buck continues to deny any of this is even happening. He whines into Eddie’s chest, “That’s pee, it has to be, because I’m not pregnant. There’s no way.” he lets out a pitiful whimper as another contraction begins and buries his face against his husband to hide the tears springing up in his eyes. 

“Buck, son, we gotta get you to a hospital right now.” Bobby tries, running a soothing hand over the top of his head. 

But Buck shakes his head no, shuddering out a sob. “M’not going.” 

Eddie, overwhelmed, looks to Hen and Bobby for help. 

“Buck, ambulance is ready to go, we need to move unless you wanna have this kid at the firehouse.” Hen grimaces. “I know you’re in pain and I know you’re confused and hurting, but we need to get you into that ambulance and now.” 

Buck cries out when another contraction hits him and Hen gulps. “Your contractions are getting way too close together, we need to move.” she nods at her Captain and Eddie to help get Buck up and together the three of them manage to get Buck onto a gurney and into the waiting ambulance.

Bobby rides up front with Chimney, leaving Hen and Eddie to work in the back with Buck. 

“Buck, you need to start getting ready to push, this baby’s coming.” Hen warns him, but Buck refuses. 

“I can’t.” he sobs. “I didn’t--” he throws his head back, the pain lighting his nerves on fire. “I swear Eddie, I didn’t know. You gotta believe me.”

Eddie takes Bucks hand into his and brings it up to his lips. “I know baby, I know, you don’t have to worry about that. I promise. Nobody is mad at you, ok? I’m not. But right now you need to focus on pushing, you need to listen to Hen, ok? We’re ok, and you’re gonna be ok, but I need you to push, baby. I love you so much, you know that, right?” 

Buck lets Eddie wipe away his tears, leans into the comforting touch, and nods shakily, exhaling. “O-ok, I’m--I’m ready.” 

.

.

.

**************

.

.

.

The baby is so very tiny in Eddie’s arms. 

Olive Buckley-Diaz is born weighing exactly six pounds and two ounces. 

Christopher, who’s curled up against Bucks side on the hospital bed after a very exhausting day, looks up at his Buck, his little brow still knitted in confusion. “So she was a surprise baby? And that’s how come you guys didn’t tell me about her?” 

Buck tries not to laugh. “Yeah bud, it was a huge surprise to us, too.” 

Eddie nods along, smiling fondly down at the bundle he’s holding. Her blotchy red face is slack in sleep and there’s already tufts of brown hair sticking up funnily on her head under her hat. “I still can’t believe you only gained like fifteen pounds during the whole pregnancy.” Eddie chuckles, “Or that you worked through the nine months, God Buck, when I think of the stunts you pulled during calls in the last few months alone I’m--” he shudders. “Actually I’d rather not think about it.” he sighs, “I’m just happy you’re both healthy at the end of the day.” 

Really, it’s a miracle. The doctor had said as much after the delivery. 

“To be fair I never got any of the other symptoms,” Buck shrugs. “I wasn’t nauseous, my feet never swelled, I don’t remember any weird cravings? And you said it yourself, I didn’t really gain all that much weight.” 

Eddie leans down to kiss Buck’s forehead. “You should be on that show.” he grins. 

Buck tilts his head. 

“You know the one, the one Hen made us watch when work was slow that one time. ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’.” he teases. 

Buck groans. “I regret all the jokes I made at the time. I totally get those people now. Pregnancy is weird.” 

Christopher rests his head more comfortably against Bucks chest and smiles softly. “Yeah, but now our family’s even bigger.” 

.

[tangledstarlight]

2. “Sure, you can use me as a pillow.” For willex 😃

hello hi this could have been so much longer but it’s 2am and i gotta go to sleep, but i also felt compelled to do this tonight so here we go! and yes okay i nearly forgot there was a prompt my bad 😬 hope you like anon!! 

hurt/comfort dialogue prompts!!

2. “Sure, you can use me as a pillow.” 

The thing about traveling is that Alex really hates traveling. 

Sure, he likes going to new places and experiencing new cultures and buying hotdogs from street vendors in New York who don’t work out of a car. But that actual act of traveling? Of getting from one place to another long distance via plane? Absolutely hates it. As he sits around in hard plastic airport chairs he often finds himself wishing he could just teleport himself. Think of where he wanted to be and poof! there he was. 

But he couldn’t poof around the world and instead he was stuck on a flight back to LA from New York that was already an hour delayed and was now a further two hours delayed on the tarmac while they were on the damn thing. 

Balling up his jumper and stuffing it behind his head Alex tries to relax, to stretch his legs out in front of him a little and let the tension leave his shoulders. He thinks about the apartment that him and the band had rented for the three months they’d been in New York working on their new album. Of how he could be on the plush grey sofa right now, listening to Reggie talk over whatever film they’d picked and trying to throw popcorn into Luke’s open mouth after he’d fallen asleep ten minutes in while Julie tried with m&ms. 

But no. He’s stuck in a plane and starting to get cramp in his leg and regretting not accepting the travel pillow Reggie had tried to give him before he left. God there had better be an open bar at his sister's wedding to make up for this experience. Though he knows that’s partly a lie, because seeing his little sister walk down the aisle in her white dress will be worth it, but the way his parents will avoid him the whole weekend? Oh yeah, he’s gonna need an open bar for that too. 

“Sorry folks, looks like we’re going to be stuck here a little while longer. Please remain in your seats and if you need anything––” Alex, along with the majority of the plane, stop listening to the pilot's voice on the speaker. There’s a collective groan and he can hear people complaining and the little tell-tale ding of someone calling for assistance. 

Alex blows out a breath and tries to go back to relaxing in his seat. Which feels awkward and uncomfortable and exposed, probably due to the fact he’s got an aisle seat. Logically, he knows that. Logically, he knows that no one is really judging him right now because they’re all too busy dealing with their own shit. 

The sleeve of his jumper slips free, dropping to his neck and, without thinking, he swats it away. Belatedly, and okay yeah, only after the responding grunt, does Alex remember that there’s someone sitting next to him. 

Eyes snapping open he looks at the man next to him, takes in the long hair and the tie dye sweatshirt and the wires of his headphones and the raised eyebrow as he looks back at him. 

“I am so sorry I just––” Alex trails off because he doesn’t have an excuse. He just forgot there was someone sitting next to him. Which, the longer he looks at his seat neighbour and takes in the jaw line and the lips curving into a smile and the way his eyes haven’t left his–– how the hell did Alex not notice him when he first got on the fucking plane? (He’s going to blame it on how much he hates traveling, it blinds him to all hot people in the vicinity, even if they happen to be right next to him apparently.) He can feel his cheeks growing warm and he realises he’s just staring and hasn’t actually finished his sentence. 

“Fell– neck, y’know?” He gestures vaguely to his neck, and the sleeve of his jumper that’s still on the other man's shoulder and god fucking damn it Alex that wasn’t even a sentence, get it together! If Luke or Julie or Reggie were here right now they would be laughing at him. 

“It’s all good man,” the stranger says with a light laugh and–– god he’s got such pretty eyes that Alex is almost distracted from what he says next, “You seem a little tense there though man. You goo?” 

And see, this is exactly part of the reason why Alex hates traveling. It’s the awkward small talk on the plane or the train or when you’re unfortunate enough to end up next to an extra chatty person on the bus. It’s why he shoves headphones on and pretends he can’t see lips moving. Though, he’s maybe willing to break that rule just a little today.

“Not a big fan of traveling,” is all he says, trying not to grimace about how much of an understatement that is. 

“On planes or just in general?” 

“Just in general. Though after this it might be a plane thing,” he tries to joke, and he’s pretty sure it’s a terrible attempt but the stranger giggles and oh man Alex hadn’t thought he could get cuter. 

“Yeah, this has been a pretty shitty few hours,” he agrees, biting down on his bottom lip for a moment before seeming to decide something, “I’m Willie. By the way. Since we’re going to be stuck next to each other for a while.” 

“Alex. Hi,” and, for some strange reason he lifts his hand and waves at him. That magical teleportation power would come in handy right about now, he decides. 

But, for whatever reason, Willie doesn’t find it weird and they start talking. Alex learns that Willie’s flying back to LA because he’d been in New York for an art show, and that he’s into skateboarding and he looks really good when he ties his hair up in a bun. In turn, Alex tells him about the band and recording their first album and about his weekend. 

“So wait, your parents don’t want you going to the wedding?” Willie asks, body half turned towards him in his chair and there's a look of confusion on his face. 

“They’d didn’t explicitly say that but we all know they’re going to be disappointed when I show up,” he shrugs. It hurts, but it’s also just been a fact of his life for so long now that Alex sometimes forgets that not everyone has the same experience. And anyway, he’s not going for his parents, he’s going for his sister. 

“Man that’s fucked,” he mutters, eyes seeming to zone out for a moment, only to refocus as Alex claps a hand over his mouth to block a yawn. 

“Sorry. I put off going to sleep so I could sleep on the flight but,” he shrugs, shooting Willie a slightly sheepish smile but he just shakes his head, another smile on his lips. 

“You’re all good. When this thing finally takes off you can use me as a pillow,” there’s a slightly teasing edge to his words but a challenge in his eyes. 

And maybe it’s because he’s been stuck in an airport and then on a plane for four hours longer then he’d expected to be, or because he’s just really tired or maybe he’s just feeling brave in the face of his weekend ahead, but Alex smiles back at him and says, “You’re probably much comfier then my jumper.” 

There’s a beat before Willie laughs, knocks his knuckles casually against Alex’s shoulder. Half an hour later, when the pilot announces they’ve been cleared for takeoff and the majority of people cheer, Alex and Willie share a high five, palms lingering maybe a touch too long, but he’s not going to complain. 

He doesn’t sleep on the flight, but he does leave LAX in a taxi with Willie’s number saved in his phone with the first text he’d sent being the address of his sister's wedding and an assurance he didn’t need to bring a gift. 

So okay, maybe traveling isn’t the worst thing in the world.

[sirowsky]

The Flowers Always Know

Description: When a mad scientist uses you as an experiment while you’re on holiday, the Heroics only just manage to save you. And in your recovery you become very close to the leader of the group. (Slow burn)

Warnings: Language

Link to Masterlist

Comment: Hint to what the title is all about, and plenty of Máma Moreno.

Chapter 6

  The house was a mess, to say the least. You had left in a hurry that evening, after things had taken a very sharp turn towards very bad, shortly after your dinner. You’d been glad that you had only eaten a light pea soup, when it came back up again some ten minutes later. You’d only just made it to the bathroom, but after the food had been coughed up, a large amount of fresh blood had followed, and you knew you were in trouble.   Why you hadn’t called for that ambulance was anyone’s guess, but then, you had never liked being a bother, and you had been perfectly capable of walking out to the cab.    It was just that, in the twenty minutes that the drive had taken, you’d gotten significantly worse. Your whole body had started hurting, you’d begun bleeding from the nose and ears, and just as you got to the hospital, you had begun to get spasms and cramps in your spine and legs.   When you staggered into that emergency-room, you did it truly convinced that you’d leave it in a coffin.

  You shuddered slightly with the memory, as you walked through the house, opening all the blinds and pulling all of the curtains back again. It was already late, and thus dark outside, but you wanted to wake up to a house that bathed in sunlight in the morning.   The kitchen was probably the worst, in terms of the amount of cleaning that would need to be done. The remnants of your cooking that evening where still on the counter and in the dishes, and the amount of mold that was growing in there was somewhat disturbing.   You couldn’t leave that for the morning, you’d lose every ounce of appetite waking up to that crap. So, you set about throwing away everything that had been left out on the counters and in the sink, and quickly scrubbed all the open surfaces clean, before handwashing some of the glasses, plates, mugs and cutlery, that had gotten dusty even sitting in the cabinets, in the four months you’d been gone.   Once the kitchen felt usable again, you went to the bathroom to check what state that was in. It wasn’t too bad. You flushed all the pipes and let the water run in the sink and the shower for a good half-hour to clean them out, and begin to work away the smell of stagnated water. The toilet needed a decent scrub too, but it could wait until morning.   It was after midnight when you’d finally changed the sheaths in the bed and settled in for the night.

  A sharp rapping on your door woke you after what seemed like mere seconds. But the sun was up, so you looked at your wrist-watch – 06:15 – and sighed. Who the fuck would be there at that hour?   Grumbling into your pillow, you turned over and decided that whoever it was would have to come back at a more decent hour.

  “Come on now, mujer, I don’t have all day.”

  You physically jumped at the sound of Anita Moreno raising her voice behind your front door. She wasn’t shouting, just applying a good amount of force to her voice. Just enough to make you feel a size smaller than usual.   You scrambled out of bed and grabbed a robe which you put on whilst walking towards the door. You had no idea what you looked like, but you hoped there was an air of scarecrow to you. You’d found her intriguing when you first met her the day before, but she was little more than a damned annoyance right now. You were not a morning person, and especially not today when your body was tired and sore from the tests.

  “I’m not gonna ask if you know what time it is, because you obviously do, and you obviously don’t care, so don’t beat around the bush and just tell me what the hell you want so I can go back to bed and finish waking up.”

  “You always this cheerful in the morning?”

  “Yep.”

  “I’ll be sure to let Marcus know.”

  “What does my morning mood have to do with Marcus?”

  “Nothing. Yet…”

  What? No, no, don’t let her distract you, idiot.

  “What do you want, Mrs. Moreno?”

  “Tell me, what kind of flowers do you like?”

  Nope. You’re not doing this, whatever it is, you’re not doing it at 6 fucking 15 in the morning.

  “Have a nice day, Mrs. Moreno.”

  As you went to close the door, she simply barged right in, straight past you, and completely unbothered walked into your kitchen while you scrambled after her, shocked and abruptly furious.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

  “Don’t you cuss at me, mujer.”

  “If you want me to treat you politely, then don’t fucking barge into my house uninvited.”

  “Calm down, I’m not staying for breakfast. I just want you to answer a few questions.”

  Unbelievable.

  “You’ve got some nerve.”

  “I’m old, mujer, I don’t have time for intermissions. Now, tell me, what kind of flowers do you like?”

  You were fuming, but this woman was a super. She wasn’t leaving until she decided to leave. So, you took a breath.

  “Dahlias.”

  “Interesting choice. Why?”

  “What does it matter? What do you want from me?”

  “Do you know the origin of Dahlias?”

  “Why? Am I to expect a pop-quiz banging on my door tomorrow?”

  “The Dahlia came from my ancestors, the Aztecs, they called it The War Flower. Nowadays, it’s known as the King of summer flowers, because of its wide range of shapes, sizes and colours. It has something of a demanding presence, you never walk past a Dahlia without seeing it. And yet, it doesn’t ask you for much.”

  “Do you have a point, or is this becoming a lecture on the mythology of flora? Because I will go back to bed and ignore you until you leave.”

  “It’s an observation. What’s your opinion on supers?”

  “Are you serious? Ugh, forget it, of course you are. Fine. I have nothing against them, but I don’t adore or idolize them. They’re flawed just like the rest of us.”

  “What’s Marcus’ flaws?”

  “He’s… too kind for his own good sometimes. He let’s people walk all over him if he thinks that it’ll keep the peace. And he… tries to carry the whole world by himself if you let him.”

  She smiled.

  “Good. You’re hired. I expect you at Heroics HQ at 7 am tomorrow morning.”

  …what THE FUCK…?!

  She walked back towards the door, while you stood dumbstruck just staring after her. She had reached the door by the time you unfroze and ran out to the hallway.

  “Wait, what the hell are you talking about? Hired for what? I didn’t ask you for a job.”

  “No, you didn’t. But you need one, and I’ve got one. Take it or leave it, if you’re not there by 7, I’ll know what you chose.”

  You stood in the door, watching her disappear into a black SUV, and drive off.

  Did that actually just happen? It must have, there was no way in hell you’d ever even dream something like that. You shook your head, and decided that there was no point in going back to bed now, your head was buzzing, so you might as well have breakfast and get the cleaning going.   As you went to the bathroom you caught your reflection in the mirror, and smiled to yourself. There was definitely an air of scarecrow.   You turned the TV on while you made tea, and tried not to think about what had just transpired in your kitchen.   You had always loved coffee before, never started the day without it ever since you were 16. But your body seemed to have become oversensitive to it after your cellular breakdown. You’d had your first cup about a month ago, and it had really done a number on you. You’d been hyperactive for hours with uncontrollable twitches and insistent trembling in your hands.   You’d given it a second try a week later, but even just half of a small cup had resulted in the same outcome, so you had accepted that your coffee-days were over. You were actually really starting to like tea, especially the spicier types.

  The news showed a highlight reel from the Heroics latest outing, and you found yourself glancing at the footage, looking for a glimpse of Marcus. You saw him flash by as he fought someone, or something, you weren’t sure, and then again when the fighting was over. He looked confident and strong when he was out there. When he had an enemy in front of him, and a clear task.   It was enticing to watch. Oh, who were you kidding – it was fucking hot!   You shook your head and turned the TV off as you finished your breakfast. There was a lot to do to get the house in order, and you had a plan to get it all done. The problem was that a certain uninvited guest kept popping into your head, distracting you with thoughts about flowers and what the hell that job was all about?   So, by lunchtime, you weren’t anywhere close to where you’d hoped to be. You’d managed to wipe down all the surfaces where dust accumulated, and the vacuuming was done. But you’d hoped to have washed the floors and beaten the carpets and cleaned the refrigerator and freezer by then. 

  Oh, well. Rome and all that. 

  You decided to have pizza for lunch and called in an order.   But later, as you were eating said pizza, you had something of a lightning moment. You didn’t need to sit there and just fidget and wonder and worry about what you were gonna do tomorrow. You could just go back to HQ and talk to Marcus. He’d only be happy to see you, he’d said as much when you went to find him to say goodbye.   It hadn’t been a very long exchange, since you’d been eager to get going, knowing there’d be things you’d have to do before going to bed. But he had said that he’d miss you and that you’d always be welcome to visit them.   So, why not? If anyone could tell you what Máma Moreno was up to, it’d be her son.

Authors’ Note: I love criticism, don’t be shy to let me know if there’s anything you like/don’t like/have questions about.

@blueeyesatnight​ 

@farfromjustordinary​

[youkiyoh]

concerns

pairing : peter parker x reader

genre : superhero au

summary : being the girlfriend of a superhero has its perks. You love Peter with all your heart, and so did he. When you voice out your concerns over him getting into danger every night, a storm brews over your relationship. With your life at stake, what will Peter do to fix things?

My first ever marvel / tom writing, hope you enjoy!! :))

“Pete what’re you doing?”

“Cuddling you.”

“We’re suppose to be studying.” You giggle, leaning back against the headboard momentarily. “May’s gonna walk in.”

“I locked the door.” Peter whispers softly, wiggling his brows at you.

“Why’re you so clingy today?” You hum, smiling as the boy nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, his arms wrapped tightly around your waist. You lift one hand up to ruffle the curls that you love so much, earning a sigh from him. 

“Just tired.” His words getting muffled against your skin. Peter lifts his head up, sending you a sleepy smile as he leans down to connect your lips together.

“Y/N are you staying- woah!” 

“It’s nothing!” Peter jumps away from you, the rosiness apparent on both of your cheeks as May stood in the doorway, peeking out from between her fingertips. You clear your throat, straightening yourself back up. “I’d love to stay for dinner.” 

“Yeah, okay great.” She drops her hand to her side, nodding slightly. “I’m already preparing it, you two.. have fun.” 

“Locked the door huh?” You smirk, hearing the door click shut. 

“I swear I did.” Peter rolls his eyes, falling back against his bed. “That was embarrassing.” 

“Is it?” You chuckle, leaning down to peck your boyfriend. “Come on, I need help with this chapter.” You pat his forearm, forcing Peter to get back up. 

——————————————————————————

“So, how’s it going?” MJ asks, picking at her lunch. “Is dating Peter as amazing as you imagined it to be?”

“Mhmm.” You nod, your attention focused on your physics notebook in front of you. You had a test after this that you really wanted to do well on. You’ve spent the entire weekend studying for this. 

“Y/N.” She snaps her fingers in front of your face, successfully gaining your attention for a short while. “Hey, you’ll do fine. Your lunch’s getting cold.” 

“MJ, you know how bad I am at physics.” You groan, desperately trying to cramp the formulas into your brain. “Besides, this is graded!” 

“You had a Physics genius tutor you the whole of Saturday.” MJ laughs, referring to Peter. “It must have rubbed off onto you a little.” 

“Come on, close the damn book.” She orders, snatching the reading material out of your hands before you could protest. “No point doing last minute studying.” 

MJ was right. The test wasn’t so bad after all. It was manageable, to your surprise. 

Humming to the study playlist you had playing in the background, you click your tongue happily, solving yet another question. 

A knock on your window had you peeking up from your pile of notes, a smile gracing your lips as you motion the figure outside your window to enter.

“Hey,” You greet, your smile fading slowly as you watched him limp his way in. “Peter?” 

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” He breathes out, slumping into your arms completely as you struggled to support his body weight. “Just a little sore.” 

“Come on.” You grunt, laying him back down against your bed. “Take it off.”

He obeyed, tugging his mask off to reveal his battered up features.

“Crap, what the hell did you do?” You whisper harshly, grabbing his face in yours to look over his injuries, only to pull away when he winced slightly. “Sorry..” 

“It was.. I don’t know, that guy was strong.”

“Take your suit off..” You whisper, rummaging through your cabinet to grab the medical kit you’re so used to by now.

“Pete that doesn’t look good.” You frown, looking over the gash at the side of his abdomen. 

“It’ll heal.” He groans out, eyes squeezed shut. “I had it worse.” 

“Stay still..” 

“That guy’s still out there.” Peter spoke mostly to himself, pushing his hair back in frustration. You kept quiet, tucking the bandage snugly around his stomach. 

“All done.” 

“Thanks.” He smiles, running his hand over your knuckles. Normally you would have returned his affection, but not tonight. It probably wasn’t a good idea to get mad at your boyfriend especially when he’s in this state, but you couldn’t stop the anger from bubbling in the pit of your stomach. 

“You okay?” Peter asks, sensing that something was off. You just nodded, placing the kit back to where it belongs. “Yeah, just.. it was a long day today.” 

“Wanna talk about it?” He pats the spot next to him, scooting over slightly to grant you space. 

“No it’s fine. You need to rest.” Finding him a pair of clothes he left at your house the other time, you toss it over to Peter. 

“You sure you’re okay?” He asks again, making his way over to you slowly. “You know you can tell me anything.” 

“It’s the third time Peter.” You whisper, looking him straight in the eyes. Those eyes that you adored so much. “This is the third time I had to patch you up over the last 2 months.”

“And?” 

“What do you mean and? I’m worried!” You exclaim, being careful not to be too loud as your parents were probably sleeping. “You go out every night saving the world, what if you get seriously injured one day? What if you don’t come back? I wouldn’t know because you’d be out there and I won’t be able to find you and..”

Peter presses his lips against yours, something he’s used to doing whenever you rambled too much. This time he frowns however, not feeling you reciprocate.

“Are you that worried about me that you won’t even kiss me back?” He pulls away, resting his forehead against yours. 

“And mad.” You spat, narrowing your eyes at him. “You taste like blood.” 

“Come on Y/N, this is what I do, and you know I love it! You don’t have to be worried, I know how to take care of myself, I’m Spider-Man.” 

“Which is why I can’t stop you can I?” You chuckle softly, running your hand gently over his bandaged injury.

“Not a chance.” Peter smirks, cupping your jaw as he leans down, smiling when you finally caved in and kissed him back. 

“I love you.”

——————————————————————————

It’s true, dating a superhero is cool. There’s no doubt about that. 

But watching as he fought people everyday but not being able to help? That sucked. 

“You’re late.” You tap on your watch, turning your wrist to show Peter the time. 

“10 minutes!” He exclaim, making his way into your room and dropping his backpack to the ground. “I got you these.” 

“If this is how you’re going to make up for it,” Your eyes widen, grabbing the box of tarts from him. “You can be late all you want Parker.” 

“I bet there’s other ways to make up for me being tardy you know..” The boy trailed off, sending you a suggestive look. 

“What happened to the Peter that struggled to ask me out on a date?” You giggle, mouth full. “Where did he go?” 

“He didn’t go anywhere.” Peter teases, popping a tart into his mouth. “He just got confident.” 

“Mmhm.” You hum, moving to your table to get your materials ready for your study session. 

“Can we not?” Peter asks, slamming your books back down. “We could watch a movie.”

“Don’t you have a test tomorrow?”

He shrugs, letting out a yawn. “I’m ready for it.” 

“I get it, you’re smart.” You shake your head, deciding to give in to his request. Maybe a night off wouldn’t be so bad. 

“So..Return of the Jedi?” 

——————————————————————————

“Y/N?” Peter shakes you softly, prying your limbs off his body. “Hey.. wake up. I have to go.” 

“Now?” You rub your eyes groggily, proceeding to cling onto your boyfriend tighter, earning a low chuckle from him. 

“Yeah he’s been active at night. I have to figure it out.” 

Obliging, you rolled over to the other side of your bed, opting to cuddle your pillow instead. “Okay, be safe.” 

“I will.”

Slinging his bag over his shoulders, Peter presses a chaste kiss to your forehead before sliding your window open, swinging off into the night. 

——————————————————————————

“Great.” Peter groans, falling onto the couch as he let out a dry cough. Applying pressure to the gash that got worse, he winced, peeking up to examine his wound. It was healing well after you patched him up the other day. Not anymore.

“Y/N’s gonna kill me..” Peter mutter to himself, staring blankly at the ceiling while waiting for Happy to get back to him. 

That guy’s a tough one.

“Here, I’m here.” Happy’s voice echoed throughout the room and Peter slowly got up from his position. 

“You do know how to stitch don’t you?” Peter asks, hitting the button on his chest to get out from the suit. “Because I’ll definitely need it this time.” 

“This is gonna hurt.” Happy warns, thread and needle already in hand. Peter nods, squeezing his eyes shut as the sharp metal pierced through his skin. 

Let’s just say stitches is now on the list of things Peter Parker hates.

——————————————————————————

“Hey.” You smile widely, nudging Peter’s shoulder with yours gently as you saw him in the hallway. 

“Hi. You ready to go?”

“Yep,” You rub your hands together excitedly, popping the last syllabus of the word. “I’m starving.”

The hallways were buzzing with students considering classes just ended. Squeezing your way through the crowd, you heard a light groan from the boy when you accidentally elbowed his torso. 

“Sorry!” You whisper, your features nothing but apologetic. 

“It’s fine.” Peter purses his lips into a tight smile, urging you to continue forward. You frown, noticing the way his brows scrunch together in pain. It’s been a week since you fixed him up. Given his abilities, shouldn’t he have healed by now? 

“How was it last night?” You ask casually while you and Peter grabbed lunch. “You have a cut.” 

“Oh, as usual, nothing much.” Peter shrugs, his voice cracking a little. “Pretty good actually, only one person got robbed.” 

You kept mum nevertheless, even though you knew immediately that he was hiding something. For someone who has such a huge secret to keep, you were surprised at how easily it is to see through your boyfriend when he lied. 

Well, he did make it super obvious. 

——————————————————————————

“I don’t see your shirt anywhere Y/N.” Peter scratches his head, rummaging through his closet to look for a grey sweater. The clothing you’ve claim to have left in his room when you last visited. “You sure you left it here?” 

“I didn’t, it’s at home.” You stated truthfully, folding your arms together. “Pete, could you lift your shirt up?” 

“What?” 

“What? I just wanted to see how you’re healing.” 

“I’m healing.. fine. Why’d you ask?” He waves you off, sitting on the edge of his bed. 

Rolling your eyes, you stepped forward, gripping the clothing in your hand and lifting it up before he could protest. 

“You call that healing fine?” You scoff, his shirt pulling back into place once Peter tugs your wrist forcefully away. “How bad was it last night?” 

You didn’t have to lift his shirt to know that there were more injuries hiding underneath there. 

“It’s just a cut Y/N, I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up about it. I’ve dealt with worse things before just so you know.” 

“Yeah, just a cut now. You might be sliced in half the next time.” 

Peter snaps his head up to you, his eyes staring at yours with a hint of anger. “Why do you have to be like this?” 

“Like what?” You frown in disbelief, not liking where this was going. “I’m worried about you.”

“Well I’m just saying that you don’t have to be.” Peter rolls his eyes, his curls falling into his face. “I know what I’m doing Y/N. I won’t get killed.” 

“Why do I even bother having this conversation with you..” You mumble, brushing your hair out of your face. 

“You started it first.” Peter accuses, his chest heaving up and down. 

“Because I care about you! Okay?!” 

“Maybe you care too much! I don’t need it, seriously!”

You gulp, fists balled tightly against your side as you processed his words. Silence fell upon the room, neither of you speaking a word after the outburst. 

“Just leave Y/N, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“You know if Stark was still around, he’d care just as much.” 

Grabbing your bag off the ground, you glanced at Peter, closing the door shut. 

“Hey, everything okay there?” May asks the moment you clicked Peter’s door shut, scaring you a little. Blinking away the tears that you could feel forming, you gave her a tight smile, nodding softly. 

“Yeah, yeah of course.”

With how loud the both of you had been shouting, she must have heard everything. 

“I know where you’re coming from.” May sighs, rubbing your arm reassuringly. “I feel the same way sometimes.” 

“He’s just.. stressed. Give him some time, I’m sure he didn’t mean any of that.” 

“I know he doesn’t.” You shrug, silently thanking her for being so caring. “I should go, see you soon May.”

You hate fighting. You’ve always hated confrontation in general. Especially when it’s with someone you loved. You’ve never really fought with Peter throughout the 6 months of your relationship. It was usually all childish bickering. 

You felt bad, definitely. Maybe he was right.. maybe you were being too clingy?

——————————————————————————

“Quick question, did you guys fight?”

“Is it that obvious?” 

“Yeah.” Ned snorts, looking back and forth between you and Peter. “It kinda is.” 

“Great to know.” You reply sarcastically, leaning your head against your palms as you aimlessly copied whatever was written on the board. 

At lunch, you stuck to MJ while Peter did the same with Ned. They felt awkward. So did you. 

So this is what fighting with your partner feels like.

As much as you were completely over the fight, you wanted to give Peter space. That’s what he wanted isn’t it? 

——————————————————————————

Two days later, still nothing. 

Chemistry’s the one class that the both of you would sit together. Mainly because it’s the only class that neither of you had other friends in. 

Even with sitting next to each other, the tension was still there.

Looking over to Peter, you could care less if he caught you staring at this point. You just wanted to look at him. 

He had a small cut on his right cheekbone that wasn’t there before. 

Resisting the urge to reach out and touch him, you bite the inside of your cheek, gripping your pen tighter. 

When all of a sudden, Peter’s hand found yours. 

His grip was extremely tight, and when you looked over, you notice how his hair was standing. 

“What’s wrong?” You whisper, his frown evident. 

“Something’s wrong.” He whispers back, eyes darting back and forth out of the window. “I’m sensing something.” 

“I need to go. Stay clear if anything happens, you hear me?” Peter warns, grabbing his bag swiftly and dashing out of the classroom. 

“He’s got a.. his lunch was old.” You help him cover up. Your teacher was not pleased to say the least. 

——————————————————————————

No calls, nothing. 

You were worried sick. Every single time you call Peter, it sent you straight to voicemail. It’s been 7 hours since he dashed out of class, surely whatever happened would have been over by now?

A knock on your window had you jumping out of bed, and you swore you couldn’t have smiled brighter seeing the familiar red and blue suit appear outside your house. 

So much so that you didn’t realise that it was a little..odd.

“Peter?” You whisper, grabbing his arm to help him in. “You don’t know how worried I was. I’m sorry about the fight, okay? I know I shouldn’t have interfered but I was.. whatever, you get what I mean.”

You frown when he wouldn’t budge, crouching outside your windowsill with zero intentions to enter. “Pete? Are you still mad at me?” 

Tilting your head to the side in confusion, you watch as your boyfriend pull his mask off to reveal, well, someone that wasn’t your boyfriend.

Well, shit.

“Jumping into action, you grab onto the window handles, desperately pulling it down with as much force you could muster.

That guy was much quicker however, grabbing your wrists with the speed of lightning as you struggled against him to no avail. 

You should have followed Peter to the gym more often.

“You miss your boyfriend that much? Let’s take you to him shall we?” 

With a hit to the neck, your vision went black. 

——————————————————————————

You woke up to a sore at the back of your neck. Reaching your hand up to soothe it, you realise you couldn’t.

Jolting to your senses, the memories came flooding back to you as you tugged at your wrists. They were bounded behind your back. 

Frantically, you took in your surroundings, finding nothing. Everything was pitch black, it was almost as if you were blind.

“Hello?” You call out hoarsely, your voice echoing through the room, sending shivers down your spine. You continued wriggling through your constraints, hoping that the rope will magically break somehow, only to find yourself hissing in pain when they dug deep into your skin. 

“Okay..” You mumble to yourself quietly, panic rising in your chest. “It’s fine, you’re fine, Peter will find you. He will.” 

“Trying to comfort yourself?” 

You flinch at the voice, whipping your head towards the source of it. “Who are you?” 

“You don’t need to know, young lady.” He chuckles, the sound of his footsteps coming closer to you radiating off the ground. “All I need is for your boyfriend to know that you’re in my hands.” 

You gulp, inching further into the chair that did nothing to protect you. You squeezed your eyes shut, finding his face dangerously close to yours. 

“Let’s go wait for the boy, shall we?” 

——————————————————————————

“Oh god..” You blink back the tears, desperately trying to hold them back in. The wind tonight wasn’t helping your situation at all, you being merely in a t-shirt and sweats. 

At this point, these guys standing in front of you wasn’t even what you were afraid of. They would be, only if you weren’t at the edge of a 30 floor building’s rooftop right now. You’re terribly afraid of heights. 

“You sure you didn’t accidentally kill him off?” The guy whose name you recognise as Mac spoke up. That’s what the other guys have been calling him.

“I’m sure he had it worse than getting hit by a train, right?” The guy holding onto you asks, tilting your chair forward in the process. You whimper slightly, the tears now rolling down your cheeks freely. 

“If he doesn’t come in the next 10, just throw her off.” Mac grunts, walking down the roof.

Breathe Y/N, Peter’s gonna come soon. 

And he did. Your boyfriend appeared soon enough, his suit dirtied in random places.

“You shouldn’t have touched her.” He growls, webbing the two other guys down immediately. 

“Y/N..” He breathes out, grabbing you off the edge and untangled your ropes frantically. “You’re okay, it’s okay.”

Shaking your head, you tried to get a grip of yourself to warn Peter that he wasn’t done yet.

“Pete the guy, he went downstairs, he-” 

“Peter Parker.” 

Freezing in place, you gulp, eyes darting to meet the figure standing behind both of you. Peter tensed, his arm tightening under yours. 

“Happy will be here soon.” He whispers, shooting a smile you can’t see. “Just stay here while I take care of him.” 

Your eyes darted back and forth between the fighting pair, everything moving past you like a whirlwind. Opting to squat near the corner, you tried your best to shield yourself, hoping that the villain would somehow forget about your existence on the roof.

You thought wrong.

Taking advantage of Peter being on the ground, the man strides over to you and picked you up with ease, lifting you off the edge once again. 

Tears made their way down your cheeks for the countless time that night as you gripped onto his arm for dear life. You could hear the faint sound of yells and pleas, but you were too scared to care. 

Before you know it, you’re falling. 

“Y/N!”

Everything was a blur, the vision of the roof getting distant with every passing second. This is it. You’re about to die.

Within the next second, you felt a warm body collide into yours, hugging you close for dear life as you hit the ground with a loud thud, surprisingly unscathed.

“Are you okay?” Peter asks from below you, his voice coming out as a groan. You clung tightly to him, a sob escaping your lips as you nod weakly, frightened out of your wits to say anything else.

All of a sudden, you heard what seemed like knives against grass as Peter switches your position, shielding you from whatever the hell was raining down upon you two. 

“Y/N I need you to listen to me.” He whispers hastily, hands reaching down to your waist. “Happy’s here, I’m gonna swing you up to the jet okay? Just hang on to me.” 

You nod once again because at this point, what choice did you have? Peter had only took you swinging through New York once and due to how new your relationship was, you didn’t tell him about your fear. Safe to say, that was the last time you’ve ever glide through the city.

Burying your face in the crook of his neck, you kept your eyes squeezed shut until you could no longer feel the cool breeze of the night and you felt yourself standing on something. 

“Be careful.” You sniff, letting go of your boyfriend as he sets you down inside the jet. He nods, wiping your tear swiftly before shooting a web, swinging away from you and the opening of the jet closes. 

“You good?” Happy yells from the pilot’s seat, glancing back slightly to look at you. 

“Yeah.” You assure, hugging yourself closely as you sat down. “Just a little shaken. Where are we going?” 

“Do you wanna go home?” 

“No, my parents would freak out if they saw me like this.” You rejected the offer, shaking your head profusely. “I don’t have my phone with me.. could you get MJ to tell my parents I’m staying at hers tonight? They weren’t home when I left so..”

“Sure, easy.” 

“Thanks Happy.” 

——————————————————————————

The Avengers Facility was definitely different than what you imagined. Sure, you’ve heard about if from Peter but seeing it for yourself was.. unreal. 

Tapping your foot impatiently against the ground, you grip your glass of water tighter in your hands as Peter was still not back yet. You pull your knees to your chest, completely engulfed in Peter’s scent. Happy had given you his clothes in the facility for you to change into.

“Y/N?” Your ears perk up at the mention of your name and you shot up immediately, relief flooding your body as Peter stood in front of you, absolutely worn out. 

“Oh thank god..” You breathe out, a smile tugging your lips as you engulfed him in a hug. 

“Hey..” He chuckles, hands wrapping around your waist. “You good?”

“Mhmm.” You nod, not really wanting to relive tonight’s incident again. Pulling away to look into his eyes, Peter smiles slightly at the way your brows scrunch together as you examine his beaten up features.

 “Come on.” You mumble, grabbing his hand and tugging him along. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” 

“Actually,” You stop halfway, shaking your head at your stupidity. “Lead the way, I don’t know where I’m going, this place is huge.” 

“Tell me about it.” Peter hums, pushing you towards what you suppose is the medical room. 

——————————————————————————

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, dabbing the antiseptic solution against Peter’s chest as he leans against the counter. “I shouldn’t have got so worked up about it, I know how you feel about being Spider-Man, I just.. yeah. Won’t do it again. Promise.” 

“Pretty sure I was the one being an asshole, but I don’t mind you apologising first. I could get used to this concept.”

“Shut up.” You push his shoulder playfully, your lips curling into a smile.

“I’m sorry too.” He finally whispers back, guilt evident in his voice. “I shouldn’t have gotten so defensive, I know you mean well. If I hadn’t caught you in time, I wouldn’t know how..”

“Just.. be more wary when you do this okay? The world needs you. I need you.” You whisper the last part.

“Anything for you. I promise, nothing of that sort will ever happen again. I’ll keep you safe.” Peter stares, his eyes darting down to your lips. Realising his intentions, you lift your head slightly as his lips brush across yours before he closes the space between you two. 

His hand traces up to your jaw as he cups your face, pulling you flush against him to deepen the kiss. You unconsciously smile into the kiss, goosebumps lining your skin as Peter slips one hand under your shirt, tracing patterns against your back. 

“May wasn’t kidding when she said you two will get frisky.” Peter groans, burying his head in the crook of your neck as Happy’s voice echoed through the corridor. You laugh, the heat creeping up to your cheeks, your hands reaching up to brush through his locks. 

“I swear, I’m investing in a door lock.” Peter mumbles against your skin, his voice muffled. 

“You probably should.” You hum along, tapping his forearm lightly. “Get up, put a shirt on or something.” 

“How? You’re wearing mine.” He points out, motioning towards his sweater engulfing your small frame. 

“Here.” You snort, tossing him one that you found earlier on. He can’t possibly only have one piece of clothing in this massive building. 

Pulling the fabric over his head, Peter pauses for a second, his eyes narrowing into a tight line. 

“How did.. Happy! Did you visit my Aunt just now?” 

[siren1song]

could I get some,,, um,,, platonic dark sides angst with a happy ending as virgil makes up with his old family? maybe? please? ~imagine anon

You know the way to my heart, Imagine.

Edit because I’m midway through this now: god damn it it got long. I’m committed to doing this right so i’m not shortening it but god damn it.

Also man I hope this is halfway decent, I’m not usually an angst writer.

( @romansleftshoulderpad asked me to tag him ksdfjg)

Home Again

Virgil hesitated in front of the building, looking up at the apartment complex with a nervous frown. He hasn’t been here in years, having run away from his dad and his brother (adopted brother, he wonders if Remus still tries to make the distinction) to go to college, travel the world, figure himself out.

It wasn’t like they’d been bad to him or anything, Virgil had just… needed to get away from the cramped apartment and the same people he’d seen his whole life who’d known him as someone entirely different before he’d left.

Briefly, Virgil wondered if his dad or brother would recognize him with the the undercut and purple hair and the weight he’d gained with the food he’d explored as he bounced from place to place with people who liked his company while he tried to figure himself out.

With a deep breath, he stepped forward and pressed his finger against the buzzer for his dad’s apartment.

“Who is it?”

Virgil swallowed down the lump that formed in his throat upon hearing his dad’s voice.

“Uh… hey, dad.”

The speaker was quiet, but Virgil heard the signature click of the door unlocking and he hurried to pull it open.

The elevator ride to the basement was almost suffocating, with how quiet it was. He would’ve taken the stairs, if Virgil didn’t have suitcase with him. The speakers that used to play old pop music on loop must’ve given out.

Walking to his dad’s apartment door felt like a walk to the gallows to Virgil. He felt this smothering sense of doom hanging over his head, cause fuck his dad and brother must be so pissed at him. Virgil had left six years ago with nothing more than a letter saying he’d be fine but wanting to see what’s out there. And then he just didn’t keep in contact with them.

Not that they didn’t try. For months after he’d initially left, they’d blown up his phone almost daily. Begging him to come or to at least call them to let them know he was okay. He never did, and sometimes he still got drunk texts from his brother wondering where he was and if he still cared about them.

Those texts are honestly why Virgil was here right now, that and his current boyfriend convincing him to at least try to reconnect, regardless of his fears.

He was hovering in front of the door now, chewing on one of his nails before a chip of black nail polish made its way into his mouth and he screwed his face up in disgust, pulling his hand away.

Here goes nothing, Virgil guessed.

Three firm taps against the door, and then Virgil was waiting. He found it oddly symbolic, the way the wait seemed to drag on. Whether or not his dad would be willing to let him into his family again.

Fuck, being a writer was making him overthink this, this is stupid.

Virgil was about to turn away, to go back to the hotel where his boyfriend was staying for the time being, when the door opened and suddenly his limbs were locking up.

God damn it, he was still shorter than his already really fucking short dad.

“A-” his dad stopped when Virgil instinctively flinched at the start of his dead-name.

“…Name?”

Virgil gave a sheepish but grateful smile, pulling a sleeve further over his hand so he could rub his fingers over the textured fabric of the jacket cuff.

“Virgil,” he answered, getting a nod in response as his dead stepped aside.

He hesitated, because he always hesitated, but he really wanted to talk to his family again, so Virgil stepped inside the tiny apartment.

“So uh… where’s Remus?”

“He moved out two years ago. Should still come by for dinner tonight, though.”

Virgil flinched at the dig, not missing the bitterness in his fathers voice. He was getting a feeling this conversation wasn’t going to be a pleasant one. Not that he came in here expecting his dad to be all smiles to see him again, he always was in the habit of holding long grudges.

It was quiet for a few moments, Virgil struggling to come up with something to say.

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

Virgil snapped his eyes to his dad’s, taking note of the prosthetic eye being a new style. Was that a snake pupil? He didn’t answer the question, brows furrowing in confusion.

“I mean, I would sure hope so, seeing as you’re finally home after six years, but I thought I’d ask. Whatever you were looking for, did you find it?”

Feeling his heart sinking in his chest, Virgil looked to the floor. He wrapped his arms around his stomach, shoulders hunching forward as he picked out his words.

“I… think so.”

There was a beat of silence, and then footsteps, a chair scraping against the floor, a soft thump of weight settling.

“You think? It’s been six years, Virgil, and you can’t even come home positive you’ve become who you wanted to be?”

He pressed his mouth into a thin line, wincing at the question because honestly, his dad was right. Virgil really should be more sure of himself by now.

“I’ve found out… a lot, about myself,” Virgil starts, continuing to avoid looking at his dad, “obvious things aside, I learned I really like writing, and that I’m pretty good at it. Learned I don’t really like ocean travel, that I hate air travel even more, but I think Europe is pretty cool and South America is even better.”

While Virgil talked, he looked around the room. He noted the pictures, tried not to be hurt at how few of them had him in them even if he knew seeing himself before he started transitioning would be difficult to look at.

“I figured out I was gay, after the whole gender crisis. And I learned what it felt like to love and be loved,” he said.

Virgil would’ve continued, but he made the mistake of looking at his dad then and seeing the hurt and anger in his good eye, practically melting any affection or caring that might’ve been there before away from his expression.

“So you don’t think we loved you?”

“What? No that’s not-”

“Really? Because that certainly sounds like what you were saying.”

Virgil felt his throat close up, and he shut his eyes as he struggled to breathe through it. It wasn’t the type of breathing difficulty he experienced when he was having a panic attack, but God did the difference really matter? It hurt just the same.

“No, dad. That’s not what I was saying. I was... I’ve had so many flings, in the last several years. Some of them were disasters, others were like walking on clouds until the clouds ran out. I just-” Virgil sighed, running his fingers through his hair, pushing his bangs back and letting them fall in front of his eyes as his hand moved to the back of his head.

“Listen, I thought about you guys all the time. I’d honestly only planned to stay gone for a year, but when that time stamp had come closer I got... I got so fucking scared. I’d basically cut you guys out at that point, and I was worried you would turn me away before I got the chance to explain myself.”

Virgil’s exhaustion was suddenly overwhelming, and he had to pull out a chair from the table to collapse in before his legs gave out from under him.

He wondered if the silence would ever stop drowning him.

“I wouldn’t have. Still won’t, if the fact you’re currently sitting at my kitchen table means anything,” his dad started, making Virgil look up at him with tired eyes, “I was- am pissed. It’s hard not to be bitter when my baby g- ah... when my son up and leaves two nights after he graduates high school with no warning and no goodbye outside of a letter I found on his pillow.”

Virgil felt his lower lip wobble as tears built in his eyes, and he clamped it between teeth in an attempt to keep himself from crying.

“Virgil I missed you so much for so long. At one point I had almost convinced myself you had died somehow.”

His dad slumped over the table, putting his head in his hands to keep his face from view.

Virgil rubbed the tears away from his eyes, sucking in a deep breath as he quietly moved seats to sit right next to his dad, leaning against him the way he used to when he was overwhelmed and just needed the physical reminded someone was there.

He felt his dad let out a watery laugh, shifting until he was able to wrap his arms tight around Virgil’s shoulders, nuzzling his face into the fluff that was Virgil’s hair.

“I’m still mad at you, and you know I’m going to be for a while, but... if you want to stay for dinner, I’m sure Remus would be ecstatic to see you after he gives up trying to murder you for leaving.”

Virgil snorted, his own arms already wrapped around his dad’s torso.

“Still destructive, then?” he asked, relishing the contact with the older man, contact he’d been longing for for years.

“I think he’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older, honestly.”

There was still a lot of issues Virgil had to talk over with his family, and his boyfriend would definitely want to meet them no matter how much Virgil would inevitably try to steer him off it because his family was unsettling at the best of times and Patton was a puffball.

But at least he’d started mending the gap he’d torn between them.

[rosy-wooyoung]

Let’s get emotional…

I know no one will read this but i’m still putting it out there!

today is my account anniversary!! 🥳🥳

I created this blog on the 14.12.2019, and a year later, nothing really changed. It’s just me, still sitting at my desk, my whole back hurting with cold hands and my pathetically low self-esteem. It was one boring evening, I remember, I had just eaten dinner and I rushed to my computer to come back on Tumblr to read more ATEEZ content because I was fascinated by them, their talent and stage presence. (I still am, don’t worry) And then, I thought damn, I wanna write for them as well. You know what?

Fuck it. Imma do it.

I put the task of finding a username aside and start feeling inspiration flooding in my mind. I spend the entire evening writing as the words come, not caring about the coherence, the grammar nor the consistency of my writing, I just type and type until my fingers are cramping and my brain lagging. It’s just an amazing feeling when you don’t have to rack your brains to find ideas or words, I just had to think of an ATEEZ member, and the imagination would immediately submerge my mind. 

I truly aspire to find back the motivation I had a year ago.

The next morning, I even skip breakfast because I wanted to create, brainstorm, rewrite and correct the works I had produced the night before. I completely ditch my uni homework - don’t do that kids - until the end of the afternoon, where I post a note, introducing myself to the atiny Tumblr community. I was very anxious and shy before posting my first imagine, but I was immediately welcomed with likes, 20 on the first day to be exact. It was HUGE for me. 

I’m someone extremely self-conscious and very hard on myself, so it was kind of a struggle to post content out on the Internet for strangers to read. I’ve always feared judgement, I’ve bathed in it since the day I was born and I can’t seem to get rid of it. 20+ fics are still rotting in my drafts, I’m just too insecure to release them, so I ignore them and always search for new content to write about. I’m also scared to disappoint, but that’s another story. Aside from that, I’m really grateful because I’ve never received this much love and support in my life since I started this account. Whether is keyboard smashing in the reblog section or just someone saying “uwu that was so cute 🥺”, my day is automatically better. I have never received support or compliments from my parents, siblings or friends that I thought were the closest. Never. And it’s a weird yet great feeling!!

The first two months were amazing. By the beginning of February, I had hit the 200-followers milestone. It was something unbelievable for me. You may think that I’m exaggerating, but I was really thinking that I would only get like maximum 50 followers, and I would have still been happy about it. My account was doing great, but at this point, it was my health that started going downhill.

The pandemic and the stress from it aggravated everything, weakening my heart to the point of needing urgent surgeries (2, almost 3 in October, where there was a risk for me to d*e. Great when you’re a young woman who only spent her twenty first years of existence studying and worrying about her future :/). I get stressed out extremely easily and my doctor diagnosed me with severe anxiety and depression a few years ago. And guess what? They were acting up of course, so nothing was by my side. I was lost about my future and my career – I still am haha (pain) – and it was a hard time for me, for us. I’m still not at my best, but at least I’m trying, that’s what matters the most, right? This blog and the people I met there were my source of comfort and light, my safe place, it helps me a lot to just read or laugh at what I see in my dash to make me forget about everything that is bothering me. I met wonderful, supportive people on there and I can’t find the right words to truly express how I am feeling. And here I am right now, a year later, Tumblr being my solace because I can read really really good fics and wips, as well as exchanging with other atinys and people from other fandoms.

I still have those moments of doubt when I’m about to post something like, will this be appreciated? Isn’t it too cliche, too bad, too fluffy, grammatically correct, cool enough, aesthetic enough, cute enough, did someone already write something along those lines without me knowing it? Will I get accused of stealing or plagiarising? 

I can’t stop overthinking, but I’m trying to work on it, I really am, even if it’s hard. It’s really not something easy and I get defeated quite quickly, but at least I’m trying.

Even if I lost loved ones during this year (friends that ghosted me for other people, my grandpa passing away from cancer, watching and knowing acquaintances dying bc of covid…) I’ve got to know beautiful angels on here, my mutuals and my followers!! Even if we don’t talk 24/7, I really love and appreciate every single one of you. I know we’re just internet friends, but you really count for me. Please excuse me if you’re tired of seeing me being constantly apologising or being weird and absolutely not funny, I’m trying to become a better person. I absolutely adore when you mention me in tag games or send me love and support via asks or private messages, it makes my heart go really warm. If it were possible, I’d give each single one of you a hug and a big kiss on the cheek because you all deserve it and I love you.

Thank you @atbzkingdom, @closer-stars, @barsformars, @trashlord-007, @ateez-little-star, @tinkerbellwoo, @chrryhwa, @ateezlips, and everyone that I missed that follow me and support me, I luv you all sm :-]

Sorry if this post doesn’t make sense, I just wanted to try and express my gratitude as well as my love for everything you gave me. I hope 2021 will be better, kinder for all of us, and I wish everyone reading this to be(come) happy and healthy.

with all my love, rosy ♥

[kyoomiii]

♡ Hide and seek in the dark [hcs]

- ✎ characters ❝ hinata, kuroo, ushijima, and sugawara ❞

- [ trigger warning(s): none ]

- ⚘ genre ❝ fluff, crack ❞

  ❝ this made me soft- but then again Ushiwaka is my ultimate weak spot (๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑) ❞

-kyo  ♡

The two of you happen to be childhood friends seeing as you grew up just next door to him for most of your life- though, eventually you did become something more during your early months of high school.

Anyway, on this particular evening Hinata’s parents decided to go on a date night, leaving him and Natsu on their own for awhile, and while this isn’t exactly the first time Hinata’s been left to babysit his younger sister on his own, his parents are still a little nervous- especially after the incident with the neighborhood dogs and a box of ham.

As a result they ask you to come over, just to check in and make sure the house hasn’t burned down, though they don’t mind you staying over for a while, much to Hinata’s delight.

Though at one point in the night you began playing games with the two, as to assure the house wouldn’t burn down at the expense of their boredom.

That’s what led to hide and seek, but Hinata being Hinata decided to spice it up a bit, and turned off the lights.

But the dumb made himself panic and couldn’t find a hiding spot so he ended up following you.

So that’s how the two of you find yourself in a tiny hallway closet huddled together in fear of your life as Natsu patters just outside the door. Her little giggles turning the once playful atmosphere eerie and downright terrifying.

“Onii-chan~”

“I don’t wanna die”

“-Sho she’s 10…”

You’re scared and cramped, and Hinata’s knees are digging into your ribs.

Next time you would have to make sure you either a. Hide before he notices you, or b. Kick him out of your spot if  he decides to follow you again.

“I really don’t understand how you couldn’t find another hiding spot in your own house.”

“I  panicked”

But the thought disappears as Natsu’s voice grows closer. He was undoubtedly a little too loud to just go unnoticed.

“I found you~”

You would never do this again… But you would be lying if you said you didn’t have fun.

It was a Friday night after school when you went over to Kuroo’s house, the two of you planned a much needed movie night filled with snacks and cuddling, something that both of you have been craving, but not being able to actually do because of busy schedules.

You’re in the middle of Mulan when suddenly the power shuts off leaving the two of you in the dark living room questioning what the heck just happened.

“Hey babe- you’re a girl worth fighting for” *insert awful wink*

"y/n I'm a dude- but damn right I am” *insert another awful wink*

Kuroo decides to check the circuit breaker, but when he comes back it turns out the whole neighborhood is out, with confirmation from Kenma who sent a text about the lights in his house going out.

It’s a bit of a bummer, and Kuroo expresses his slight disappointment with a small pout, but being as quick as he is, gets over it through suggesting you play games instead. 

At first you’re a little apprehensive, because what game can you play in pitch darkness? To which Kuroo proposes hide and seek in the dark. 

“I don’t know Tetsu…”

“Come on y/n it’ll be so much fun~���

Turns out he was right, you honestly didn’t think you’d have as much fun as you were having, sure games were fun, but as you grew older you didn’t really play them like how you did when you were young. 

By the fourth round, it’s Kuroo’s turn to hide, leaving you to search for the scheming beanstalk who is surprisingly really good at hiding in small spaces despite his tall height and not so tiny build.

About 15 minutes into the round you end up wandering into his room on the hunch that he is indeed in there somewhere. 

Though unbeknownst to you there is a small table set out in the middle of the room- something Kuroo had gotten recently because he finds sitting on the floor to study more comfortable than his desk. And as a result you trip over it, landing on the floor with a harsh thud and a curse.

At first Kuroo thought it was a plan to lure him out of his hiding spot, but when he hears the small whimper this is his name, the game is immediately forgotten and he’s by your side in seconds.

“Tetsu…”

“Let’s take a look at that okay?”

Luckily there were no cuts, but there was a small bruise much to his and your dismay. But as an athlete he has learned to stock up on ice-pads and other first aid supplies.

“You’re so clumsy kitten.”

“I’m sorry I can’t see in the dark”

“It’s okay I’m a professional now.”

“Reading off of MayoClinic doesn’t make you a professional Tetsu…”

For the remainder of the night the two of you cuddle in his bed, talking about everything and anything until you fall asleep.

“Where were you hiding?”

“Under the bed.”

Today was one of the many days in which Ushijima was the last to leave the gym from practice, even Satori had left quite a while ago, heading back to their shared dorm leaving you and Ushijima alone.

Ushijima had told you previously that you didn’t need to wait on him, but with how busy the both of you were all the time, you would take any chance you could get to spend time with him and vice versa.

By the time the sun has long disappeared in the horizon, Ushijima has just barely finished his solo practice. But it’s then you hear it, the loud crash of thunder and the flash of lightning. 

It’s pouring and freezing when he finally cleans up the remnants of things that have been left out from his practice. 

However, despite being finished and the gym being clean neither one of you wished to leave, not wanting to catch a cold in the storm that’s raging on. So you opt to wait it out a little, just to see if it’ll get better.

In the meantime though you suggest entertaining yourselves with some games- and to your surprise Ushijima agrees.

“Toshi let’s play a game while we wait.”

“I suppose that’ll be alright.”

“Really?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“( ⊙０⊙ )"

And so you start off with hide and seek in the dark- Not wanting to get your ass kicked at tag or some other game where he’d dominate.

After turning the lights of and counting to ten, you turn around and find that the gym is empty, only lit by the light of the lamp posts just outside the doors. 

And despite the wide open space he is nowhere to be seen, almost like he just disappeared.

But nonetheless you are determined to find farmer boy, because this was one game you were not willing to lose. 

At least that’s what you told yourself at the beginning, but after like 20 minutes of looking you’re tired and confused as to how this giant tree is able to hide when there is essentially nowhere to hide. 

So as you sit on the floor in the middle of the gym wondering where the hell Ushiwaka went, or maybe if he just left you a pair of arms wrap around you, and you’re so accustomed to the warmth that you know it’s him. 

“The rain has stopped.”

“I guess it has…”

However, in the end you’re still confused as to how he was so good- something you’d have to discuss with him later because the rain has finally let up.

“Where-”

“In the corner, you walked by me three times.”

“-Wha…”

He kinda just shrugs.

And as you leave the gym opting for the much warmer dorms, you cling to Ushijima, still completely boggled by the fact that he was in a corner this entire time. The thought on your mind even as you crawl into his bed for late night cuddles

“Don’t worry y/n, perhaps better luck next time.”

Despite Sugawara’s role as “mom friend” he too voluntarily contributes to chaos amongst the Karasuno volleyball club.

And how the whole team ended up in the middle of a park at the end of a Friday after school running around in the dark will be something that will remain unknown to everyone except Sugawara Koushi (who was the cause of all of this in favor of team bonding)

Not even you could see this coming despite knowing Sugawara like the back of your hand.

But here you are now hiding in a tube meant for little children as the third year boys search for the rest of the team.

You have no idea where anyone else is, but the high pitched screams of Hinata soon followed by Yachi assure you that they are definitely still close by

This ultimately adds to your panic because you know- you just know that Sugawara is targeting you.

And the gentle tap against the plastic tube seems to confirm your suspicions.

A faint whisper of your name has you clasping a hand over your mouth to suppress any possible noises, because you refused to lose to him.

“y/n- chan~”

“Goawaygoawaygoaway”

He’s here… And he’s playing mind games with you.

Your mind is torn in half, a part of you saying you should try to get out, and book it to a new hiding spot, and the other telling you that maybe he doesn’t know you’re in the tube necessarily and this is all just to bait you out.

Sugawara is smart- something you’ve learned to not underestimate, and he knows what he’s doing. So as a result you decide to stay put, hoping that he would leave you alone.

Boy were you wrong… At one end of the tunnel there was a slide, and what you didn’t expect was a hand to grab your ankle, forcefully pulling you down the slide (but, of course he’s careful not to hurt you) as evil laughter and your scream of terror rips through the air.

“I found you!”

“Oh my god Koushi!”

Needless to say, Sugawara found you, and in the process nearly gave you a heart attack (however, he does in fact apologize with buying you snacks and giving you all the cuddles you wanted)

“I think y/n-senpai just died…”

Sugawara Koushi is indeed a devil with the face of an angel’

“I can’t believe such an angel-like face belongs to a devil like you…”

“Aw~ You know you love me!”

“I guess... (;¬_¬)”

[loveisblindfanfictionbka]

Love Is Blind: Chapter Sixteen

“So...what do you think about this?”

Robyn sighed as she shook her head, “Leandra, I do not need anymore clothes for this baby especially since I don’t even know what I’m having yet.”

“I thought this would be fun since your old ass has been on partial bed rest for the last two weeks.”

“Well, it’s not. I’m not in the mood for shopping, online or otherwise.”

“Well Sorry. I don’t know why you so grumpy anyway. You are literally being waited on hand and foot for weeks.”

“I am not grumpy. I am tired and haven’t been able to sleep”

“Why not?”

“Why else?”

“I know the baby is bigger than normal but it can’t be that bad.”

“It’s worse. Everything fucking hurts and is swollen. I’m actually on complete bed rest, not partial so I haven’t been allowed to do absolutely anything. Chris watches me like a damn hawk and Anesa is his little spy. I am so over being pregnant.”

“Well how long do you have left”

“Entirely too long. I don’t want to deliver early because of the complications but I am also really ready to get this over with.”

“Maybe you and Chris should’ve done this when you were younger.”

Robyn rolled her eyes, “don’t even.”

“Do you regret your decision?”

“Not as much as I thought I would.”

“You don't seem excited.”

“I’m having too many complications to be excited.”

“What about Chris?”

“What about him?”

“He doesn’t seem too overjoyed.”

“Really? He seems excited to me. The baby is all I ever hear him talk about.”

“He don't say much around us”

“That’s odd. You might have to ask him about that.”

“How are you two doing?”

“We’re good. Still together.”

“Engaged?”

“Nope.”

“What are you waiting for?”

“We’re not waiting for anything. My concerns before are the same as now and I’m not ready to get married again.”

“I’m still not understanding your logic. This man loves you. You love him. Y’all are having a baby together and are already raising another together. What concerns are there to have?”

“We just reconnected months ago. None of what is happening was planned. I think I’m entitled to some time to get myself together. I’m pregnant, that’s all my mind can handle right now.”

“You are really freaked out about this whole pregnancy thing.”

“Of course I am. The last thing I want is to finally have a baby and then I die giving birth to them. I do not have the mental capacity to think beyond getting through these last months. Once I’m holding this human then we can worry about all that other stuff.”

“And how does Chris feel about it?”

“As far as I know, he’s fine. We had this discussion when we were deciding on whether to keep the baby or not. I told him what I felt and what my concerns were, he agreed for us to work through it. He hasn’t mentioned feeling any differently. Has he to you?”

“No. I was just wondering because he’s been a little closed off this whole time.”

“You think so?”

“That’s what it seems like to me but then again I’m not here with him every day so you might see it a little differently.”

“I mean he’s been pretty open with me thus far, I would hope things would remain that way.”

“I don’t see why not. Like I said I’m not around him constantly so my opinion is a little short-sighted.”

“I guess but I’ll talk to him.”

“Ok. Well I need to get Maxwell from his dad’s house.”

“Have you two decided whether to get back together?”

“We have. After we flush out some more details, I’ll let you know what happens.”

“Alright. Be careful driving, Le.”

“I will, Mama. Take care of my niece or nephew in there.”

“I’m trying.”

Leandra closed Robyn’s laptop and set in on the nightstand before kissing her cheek and leaving the bedroom.

Robyn sighed as she stared at the blank screen of the television. She had been staying at  Chris’s condo for the last few weeks since the doctor placed her on bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy. She had suggested staying at her house but his condo was closer to his work in case he needed to hurry home to help her with something. When she agreed that they would keep the baby, she definitely wasn’t prepared for all this. Instead of easing her way back into his space, she was just thrust into it for the safety of herself and their child. Nothing about this pregnancy was going the way she expected and neither was their relationship in fact. She didn’t want to let on that there was something going on with them to Leandra but she noticed the same distance that had been mentioned. It was such a deja vu feeling and she didn’t want to rock the boat by mentioning it to Chris. It felt like they were going backwards.

Chris upped the speed on the treadmill as he tried to work out his mental kinks. He could feel himself sinking into depression and he really wanted to avoid that as much as possible. Robyn was miserable and he couldn’t fix it.She was pregnant with his child and he couldn’t even be happy about it because she despised it so much. It was hard having to be around her and see her lose her smile as the months went by. Maybe he made a mistake in agreeing for her to keep the baby. Maybe just because it was his dream didn’t mean it was their dream anymore. They weren’t 20 years old anymore, spruce and ready to take on the world. Now reality was starting to set in and it wasn’t as pretty as they had hoped. As he had hoped. Maybe he should’ve taken her hesitance as a sign and not pushed the issue but there’s no way he could’ve been around her and Anesa and not wonder what could’ve been, if they had decided to have an abortion. He didn’t want to live with anymore regrets. Situations like this don’t always get second chances. 

As he reached the one hour mark, he slowed the machine down to a slow walk as he tried to collect his thoughts. He had told Robyn he had a class today but he really just needed to get out of the house. He had cancelled his lecture and decided to hang out in the University gym to get his mind together. He had called his therapist and they spoke for a while; he just needed to do something physical to clear his mind as well. A few minutes later, he left the gym with his workout bag thrown over his shoulder and his phone clutched in his hand. Maybe he needed to take his doctor’s advice and talk to Robyn. Omitting his feelings had been their downfall before and he didn’t want to go backwards.

Robyn carefully made her way into the kitchen and had just opened the fridge when she heard the keys in the front door. Taking way more energy than she had cared to use, she turned just as Chris walked in, “Hey you.”

“Hey.”

“How was class?”

Chris sighed, “I ended up cancelling the lecture. Wasn’t in the mood to teach.”

“Oh. So,” Robyn paused as she wasn’t sure if she wanted to know where he had been all morning, “you hungry?”

“That’s not what you were gonna ask me, Robyn.”

“What? Sure it was.”

Chris’s brow lifted in suspicion as he set his bags down on the floor. He leaned against the island just a few feet away from Robyn and crossed his ankles, “Your face tells on you every time. I was in my office then I used the school gym for a while to answer your real question.”

Robyn simply nodded her head and turned back to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. Closing the door behind her, she leaned against it, “I guess we all need a break every now and then.”

“How’s the baby?”

“Good. Normal movements, nothing to worry about.”

“Good. How are you?”

“Alive so I guess I’m great.”

“I don't know whether you’re being serious or sarcastic.”

“Why would I be sarcastic?”

“You sure you’re ok?”

“I’m fine, Christopher.”

Robyn took a deep breath as she started to leave the kitchen. Chris moved to grab a hold of her forearm and carefully led her to the couch, “have you been moving around all day?”

“No. I just got thirsty and I ran out of water in the pitcher you left.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Love.”

“What? It’s not a problem, I was cramping up and needed to stretch my legs anyway. So how was the gym then?”

“It was good. Got to clear my mind a bit.”

“Oh. That’s great.”

“Robyn, I think we need to talk.”

“Oh. About what?”

“I’m sure you know about what. It’s feeling very deja vu right now and I don’t think either of us are very happy about it.”

“I really haven’t done anything.”

“It’s not what you’ve done but I can tell there’s a change in you and if I know your expressions as well as I do, I sense you can tell something has changed too.”

“Chris, just come out and say it.”

“What exactly do you think I want to say?”

“That you don’t want to do this anymore.”

“This, as in a relationship with you? Of course, I still want to. Why would you think something like that?”

“How could I not? You look miserable.”

“Because you look miserable and it’s all my fault.”

“What?”

“I got you pregnant and you’re not really happy about it. I feel like I forced you into something that you didn’t want to do.”

“What? Of course not. I agreed that we would have this baby, you didn’t force me into anything.”

“That’s not what it feels like.”

“Chris, I am terrified about having this baby not because I don’t want to but because I’m scared to lose it. God forbid the first time I get pregnant is the last time I’ll ever be able to get pregnant. I get scared every time the baby stops moving. I can’t sleep because I’m not sure I’m gonna wake up. This is not the pregnancy I imagined it being.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What exactly was I supposed to say? Besides it’s not like you’ve much want to talk to me anyway.”

“And why do you say that?”

“You told me you had a class just so you could get out of the house. What do you think that says to me?”

“That I just needed some space. That doesn’t always translate into a bad thing. I know my past actions have given you cause for concern whenever I may want to take a step back from you but you gotta trust that it’s not always some horrible plot to abandon you.”

“What I don’t trust is when you start lying to me. You’ve never had a problem telling me straight up before now so why the whole class story?”

“Because you don't take much of anything well these days. You don't smile and you’re irritable. Anything I say to you is met with an eye roll and a grunt, doesn’t make talking to you very easy.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. Your fear comes out as meanness and irritability. And it makes me not want to say anything because I don’t want to make you feel any worse than I already have.”

“Chris, I’m sorry. I really didn’t know.”

“It’s fine.”

“No it’s not. I guess I’ve been so wrapped up in everything going wrong that I was taking it out on you unnecessarily. Honestly, I really didn’t know.”

“I get it. This is scary especially since neither of us has been through this process before but I don’t think it’s gonna get easier with us being mad or distant from each other. It’s honestly just hard to watch you be so miserable and I can’t do anything about it which makes me feel bad then I get all depressed and I don’t want you to feel like it’s your fault so I just try to compartmentalize it.”

“But you aren’t compartmentalizing it, you’re pulling away from me. I can understand if you need space to get your mind together but all I see is you pulling away, not the reason why and I’ll never know the reason unless you tell me. Just like I can’t know that I’m being mean to you unless you say something. My mind is going a mile a minute with the worst possible scenarios. I’m constantly in pain and I’m exhausted. I tend to neutralize my emotions as a way to cope.That is no excuse for me to treat you badly and if my silence is hurting you, I need to know that.”

They both fell silent for a few moments.

Robyn sighed, “we’re both too old to be going through the motions this way. We’re clearly trying to protect each other but we’re actually hurting each other instead. It was my choice to have this baby, you didn’t force me to do anything. My irritation is not because of you so you don’t need to internalize or take it personal. If I’m being a bitch, tell me that. You shouldn’t have to sneak around or lie to me just to get some peace for yourself. If you need a break, take one. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t feel anything because I’m not feeling well. You don't need to suppress your emotions to dwell in mine, it’s not fair to either of us.”

“I don’t want you to feel unsupported.”

“Chris, I never felt unsupported, not even for a moment. You do not have to take any behavior of mine on the chin just because I’m pregnant. And don’t take this wrong, there’s nothing you can do to make this any easier for me. You can’t carry babies or birth them so I’m pretty much it for this little one.”

Chris chuckled lightly as Robyn reached over to grab his hand, “you ok?”

“For now, yes.”

“Are we ok?”

“That’s something I should be asking you. Are we ok?”

“Yea, we’re good.”

“Good.”

“Let’s see about getting you back in this bed.”

“Ugh….do I have to?”

“You can barely walk without heaving, the last thing you need to be doing is moving around.”

“It’s so blah in there.”

“I wish there was something I could do to entertain you but I’m fresh out of ideas.”

“Can you play the piano for me?”

Chris smiled, “that I can do. You need anything while I get my stuff set up?”

“Can you get me a blanket? I’d like to sit out here instead.”

“Sure. Do you need your medication?”

“No, I’m good. I took it this morning. When’s Nesa Boo coming back?”

“Later this evening. She was really excited that she made a new friend.”

“I told you letting her go to camp would be good, all those friends that were actually around here.”

“I can admit that you were right even though I am still a little paranoid.”

“She’s your baby and she’s still a baby, so I understand but she can’t be up under her daddy forever.”

“I guess she really did need a mommy in her life.”

“And I’m glad to be that for her.”

“You know you’re already a great mother, Robyn. You never needed to worry about that.”

Robyn smiled, “thanks. I needed to hear that.”

Chris moved to kiss her forehead then kissed her lips, “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

[the-one-eighteen]

You asleep? I just feel calmer. When I’m with you. Stay For the soft conversation starters. You can use them together or separate! It’s up to you ❤️

I am. So sorry this took so long! But, I finally got it to a point where I like it, and enjoyed writing it, so I hope you enjoy!

(read on ao3)

Eddie couldn’t say when he fell asleep. He vaguely remembers getting out of the showers at the end of his shift. Blearily recalls catching Buck’s eye across the locker room, and answering a questioning eyebrow with a signal for five more minutes. Knows he got in a car at some point.

But the line connecting point A to point B ends about the time Buck unlocked the door to his apartment and they both tumbled inside, if he’s being honest.

What little he can now make out of the dark living room seems to suggest their normal night in - open, empty take out containers from the Chinese place down the block on the table in front of them, tv screen black from where it’d powered off after too long sitting inactive. The light streaming in from the windows is flickering off and on, that same damn lightpost that’s needed it’s bulb replaced for the last two months or so - longer, if he takes Buck’s word for it.

The night around them is quiet at this point (though, what actual point that is is anyone’s guess. He’s groggy as hell, so...late is about all he’s got), with only the occasional rumbling of a car coming down the road, and more distant but ever present white noise of a city that never truly sleeps.

If Eddie tries really, really hard, all of that fades out pretty easily, leaving him in just this moment.

In the warm dark. On Buck’s familiar couch. With Buck’s achingly familiar warmth pressed against his side from where they’d fallen asleep leaning against each other. God, Eddie could melt back into sleep, just like that, if given the chance.

He didn’t get this often. Didn’t let himself get this often. It was too close to something he wanted - something he couldn’t have but was so tantalizingly close that if he didn’t know better, he’d bet Buck was toeing the same line he was.

But he wasn’t. Because that wasn’t Eddie’s luck. And Buck was a tactile bundle of electricity that pressed up against anything he could and anyone lucky enough to be caught in his wake just needed to hold on tight.

And looking too closely at how often he ended up on Buck’s couch - or, God forbid, how often Buck ended up on his, with Chris between them, all three of them curled into their own little bubble that made Eddie’s heart hurt with the comfort - well...that way madness lay.

So. Eddie didn’t allow himself this often. Or, so he told himself.

If only because his heart couldn’t take it.

But he was only so strong. And if the opportunity was going to land in his lap, who the hell was he to fight it.

He’d just about relaxed back into the couch, carefully tilting his head back against Buck’s where it was resting against his shoulder. If he was quiet enough in his want, maybe he could keep this a little longer. Stretch the moment out into the golden illusion of an early morning, if only for a breath.

But then he feels Buck shift against him. Feels the set to his shoulders stiffen as he wakes up slowly.

Eddie’s quiet in that moment. It’s selfish, and he knows it, but…

“You asleep?” It’s so soft that Eddie knows he could get away with pretending to not hear it. Is left to wonder why it’s so quiet for only a moment before Buck carefully shifts again.

“...Yeah.” Eddie finds himself murmuring back, even as he wishes he could pull that quiet sleepiness back around them. Knows it’s slipping between his fingers even as he pulls himself away to stretch. Like he hadn’t been up for several too long, too short minutes. “Looks like we missed the end of another movie, huh? Think we’ll ever make it through one that isn’t animated?”

There’s a soft, tired laugh, and Eddie grins. Can’t not, in the face of the sheer contentedness he can feel rolling off the other man.

“Not until Chris is too old for ‘em.”

And there’s the other reason Eddie toes that line, but never...quite makes the jump. Buck is always, always there, in their future. And Eddie would rather bury his own heart than take that chance away.

Simple as that.

“Speaking of, I gotta pick him up from Pepa’s pretty early, so I should probably get going.” He’s still smiling - can feel it in the curve of his mouth. Can’t quite feel it in any way that matters.

Something flashes across Buck’s face - still tired, his eyes shiny and his mouth curved sweetly and Eddie needs to look away - but Eddie can’t parse it in the dark, and, frankly, doesn’t want to try. Reading too much into things is practically a Diaz family tradition and he’s got enough tormenting him as it is, thank you.

“Yeah, alright. Drive home safe alright? And see you tomorrow night.”

Eddie hums softly in acknowledgement, standing and stretching again - less for show this time and more because the age where sleeping well on couches regularly is slowly but surely passing him by. He sees movement out of the corner of his eyes, just manages to turn in time to see Buck flop over the rest of the couch in his place, looking for all the world content to just. Stay there.

“Nice Buck. Try to make it up to your actual bed at some point will you?” Eddie asks around a laugh - too fond, even to his own ears - even as Buck grabs the pillow from that side to bury his face in with a vague grunt of acknowledgement. “Don’t complain to me tomorrow when your back is cramped then.” Eddie adds, only getting a muffled laugh and a blind shooing motion in his direction in response.

Eddie rolls his eyes, but leaves Buck to it. If the man wants to sleep on that dumb couch, let him. Eddie’ll just ignore his complaints during their shift.

And if he’d give a whole hell of a lot to be complaining about it right there with him, well, even he knows that sounds weird.

---

The knock at the door isn’t a surprise. Probably should be, given that it’s two-thirty in the morning on a Sunday.

But, Eddie’s been following the news all day. Been waiting for a call, all day.

(He’d finally gotten sick of waiting around nine, and had called into the station. Only to be told they had plenty of hands on deck, and that, by that point, everything was under control, and the news was just milking everything they could out of a sensational, but ultimately, nontragic accident.)

But, even through the shit footage the news had been running on repeat for hours, Eddie could see that just because it hadn’t been tragic, didn’t mean it had been easy. Construction project downtown had gone up in flames. Jumped to the building next to it. The only reason it hadn’t ended in tragedy was because that building tended to be empty on Saturdays. The building next to that one? Not so much.

So. The knock at the door is no surprise at all.

He answers the door and just raises an eyebrow at the sheepish look Buck shoots him. “Why do you still knock? You have a key.”

“Look, not everyone’s you Diaz. Some of us were raised with manners.” Eddie’ll give Buck this - he manages to hold the serious face for about thirty seconds before they’re both laughing at that.

“Get in here. There’s beer in the fridge, and some left over Thai.” And Buck grins at him, big and bright, and cracked along the edges in a way Eddie’s not even sure Buck realizes. But, in Buck comes, heading straight for the kitchen.

It was a thing.

Eddie couldn’t say when it started. But it was definitely a thing.

A long shift. A hard shift. Sometimes even just one out of left field. Mud and grit and smoke and ash. Some tangled mess of emotions or adrenaline or weathered nerves exposed for too long...and they’d both find their way to each other. Eddie would drop by Buck’s after making sure Chris was safe with his abuela or Peppa or Carla or, sometimes, bring him along, because nothing soothed the tangle like a night in with his family. Or Buck would drop by their place. And they wouldn’t talk about the shift. Talk about everything else around it, sure. Everything under the damn sun except the last twelve hours.

And it worked for them.

Even if Eddie always, always wished it didn’t have to end like it always, inevitably, did.

Look, he knew he was reaching the edge of pathetic and taking a dive right over the edge. He was aware.

He can hear Buck digging around in his fridge, rolls his eyes at the sound, even though he knows he’s still grinning at the sound. “I think there’s also some-”

“Cupcakes!”

Eddie snorted, shaking his head and heading to the couch. “Yeah, those. Chris wanted to make some for Carla’s birthday. Those’re the ones that didn’t pass the visual test. Still taste pretty good though.”

There’s a muffled ‘mmph’ that he’s pretty sure is Buck stuffing one in his mouth, so he felt okay assuming he agreed with him on that. “Bring me a beer while you’re raiding my fridge, would you?” Another muffled ‘mmph’ that Eddie’s pretty sure is acknowledgement.

It’s another couple of quiet moments after that before Buck actually follows through though, eventually shuffling into the living room with two beers, one of which he hands to Eddie as he collapses on the couch next to him.

Eddie pauses in his channel flicking long enough to glance over, raising an eyebrow. “Decided you weren’t hungry, or did you eat all the cupcakes instead?” He barely ducks the couch pillow aimed at his head in response, grinning back at Buck cheekily.

“I only ate one - and you were right, they were good, remind me to tell Chris that later - but...not really hungry.” He says, shrugging, and looking for all the world like he didn’t just tumble into Eddie’s house at fuck-all in the morning.

Sucks for him then that Eddie knows his tells like the back of his own hand. Can point out the stiffness in his shoulders, the minute jitteriness in his knee, the soft frown pressed down between his eyebrows with an accuracy Eddie likes to blame on time rather than any special attentiveness on his part.

Likes to. Really can’t.

“Mm. Well, it’s there if you change your mind.” Is all he says about it though.

They don’t talk about the shifts.

They drift into each other's orbits and let things work themselves out. Talking about it when there’s nothing to really...be done, just never really seemed to help. Shifts were going to suck, no matter how prepared you were for the job. That was just life.

Eventually, they’d settle on a crappy movie, one of them would fall asleep, the other probably right behind them, and, in cases like this, they’d wake up to Chris excitedly yelling at them about Buck visiting.

It was a thing.

And it looked like Buck was going to be the first one to pass out tonight, from how quickly his head is listing to the side, and how quickly Eddie gets worried about having to possibly clean beer stains out of his carpet from the way Buck is holding the bottle.

“You doing okay there, Buck?” Eddie asks, softly. Buck never dropped this quickly. Nervous energy didn’t dissipate this quickly. They had a routine, and they both stuck to it pretty well - falling into habits well worn and settling into groves well travelled.

“Huh?” Buck asks as he pulls his head back up, blinking blearily at Eddie before gracing him with a lopsided smile. “Yeah, yeah, just...tired man. And the nerves are already gone, you know? I just feel calmer, I guess. When I’m with you.” And that last part is said around a yawn, and Eddie swears his heart skips traitorously in his chest.

Before the feeling can fill the empty space in his lungs, he hums and pushes himself to his feet. “Lemme get you a pillow and a blanket then man. No point in trying to stay up if you’re already tuning out.” This time, Eddie doesn’t miss the flash of disappointment across Buck’s face.

Can’t quite convince himself he saw it right. Can’t quite convince himself he didn’t. Instead of examining it further, he’s turning on his heel down the hall to escape the doubt.

And Eddie wants nothing more in that moment than to drop the act. Invite Buck down the hall instead, where they could both curl up in the soft quiet of the night and stop pretending it was the not talking about it that made it better, at least for him.

And maybe...maybe for Buck too.

But, he doesn’t.

Can’t.

No matter how bright his heart burns at Buck’s small smile. At his soft thank you. At the sharp look in his eyes as he chases Eddie’s gaze.

But they don’t say a word about it.

It’s a thing.

---

Eddie doesn’t really know why he’s on Buck’s doorstep right now. Knows he should’ve called. Just as he knows he’s never needed to before.

It wasn’t a bad day. Shift was quiet - as quiet as a fire station in LA can ever be. Bobby had made lunch and they’d all actually been able to eat at least half their plates before the next call had come in. Every call had ended as well as they could.

Chris was on an overnight field-trip with his class to the natural history museum, and Eddie had a picture to show just how bright and excited he’d been about it that morning.

All in all? It’d been a perfect goddamn day. Well. No, not perfect. It’d been Buck’s day off.

...Huh. Maybe that’s why Eddie was on Buck’s doorstep.

...who the hell was he fooling anymore anyway? Definitely not himself.

Hopefully, still Buck though.

He doesn’t even get a chance to knock before the door’s opening and Buck’s grinning at him. “You know, when I said I was the one raised with manners, I wasn’t expecting you to take it to heart. You have a key too.” And then he’s gone again, leaving the door open behind him.

And Eddie has no choice but to follow.

“Was wondering when you’d stop by,” Buck calls out from the living room, where there’s two beers and a pizza box on the coffee table, “Pizza’s cold by now though. You missed your chance.”

“...Did you actually expect me to come by, or did you just grab that second beer just now to make it look like you did?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

And Eddie...Eddie just laughs, feels the strain he’d been carrying in his shoulders since about noon (for no goddamn reason, why was he like this) smooth out with each step towards the living room.

“Chris make it on the bus okay this morning?”

Eddie hums as he collapses on the couch next to Buck, feeling what was left of the tenseness in his muscles melt away as he settles into his spot. “You saw the pic this morning, what do you think? He’s gonna talk your ear off when he gets back. Which reminds me, I’ve been ordered to make sure you’re at dinner tomorrow. Chris’ orders.”

Buck grins at him, slow and soft, so bright and so fond Eddie has to look away. Excuses it by grabbing for the beer in front of him. “Well, Chris’ orders, guess I’m crashing dinner tomorrow then.”

“Hope you didn’t have plans.” Eddie says, for the sake of it.

“Well, I mean, I did…” Eddie feels his stomach drop - a sharp twist of discomfort as he quickly tries to figure out how to backpedal. There were joking expectations, and then there was seriously disrupting his best plan’s day just because he and his kid wanted to, and - “I was planning on dropping by your place for lunch, probably stay for a Disney marathon, since I’m pretty sure Chris is still on that kick, maybe make some lego disasters...but yeah, I think I can manage dinner.”

Eddie stares. And Buck just grins. “You need to get your blood pressure checked, Eds. Pretty sure people aren’t supposed to go that pale that quickly.” And then he’s cackling at Eddie’s expense, and Eddie kind of wants to strangle him, even as he finds himself laughing right along with him after less than a breath.

“You are such a jerk. I should leave. Actually, yeah, no, for that, I’m leaving. You can enjoy your cold pizza alone, you jacka-” Eddie’s halfway off the couch - with the intention of getting a plate, because like hell he was actually leaving - when he feels a hand clamp around his wrist, and suddenly it’s very, very quiet, and Eddie’s not entirely sure why it feels like all the air’s been sucked out of his lungs as he looks at Buck’s suddenly very serious, very sincere face.

“Stay.” Buck says into the quiet - so soft and gentle it can’t help but shatter the stillness around them.

And Eddie wants to laugh it off. The mood switch is too much, too dramatic, too...everything and he wants to break it so it’ll snap back to normal.

Wants to. Can’t quite manage it.

“...I was just getting a plate.” Eddie tries, weakly. Knows it’s not enough as the quiet settles back in around them.

But, then, Buck’s smiling at him, and his grip is loosening, and Eddie can breathe again.

The quiet stays in place, but the air between them is bright and fizzy instead of still and hard and Eddie couldn’t explain it if he tried.

So, he doesn’t. Instead, he goes to get the plate, because he’s not sure he can look at that smile and not take everything at face value.

He doesn’t hear Buck come up behind him. But he’s kind of hard to miss when Eddie turns around and Buck’s right there. Eddie doesn’t jump, but it’s a close thing. One Buck definitely notices if the shine to his eyes and the quirk to his lips is anything to go by. But, points to him, he doesn’t actually say anything about it.

“...You know. I’ve had this...big speech, in my head, for the last like. Month. Never quite manage to get it right twice.” And Buck’s talking, but Eddie’s not quite understanding. “Always seemed too...showy, you know? Or stiff. Or practiced. But that?” Buck gestures vaguely back to the living room like Eddie’s supposed to know what that means, “That gave me an idea.” And then he’s leaning into Eddie’s space and Eddie...Eddie can’t say no to Buck. Can’t deny him space even if all he has to give is his own.

“Eddie, stay with me?” Buck asks into the bare space between them, so soft and gentle it can’t help but shatter Eddie on the spot as the question clicks into place.

Eddie thinks back. To staying still in the comfortable dark in the hope that neither of them were going to move, for just a moment longer. To knowing silence and willing comfort in familiar orbits. To the want straining his heart every time he so much as looks at Buck, in the hope that the look he’s seeing in the man’s eyes is a reflection rather than a delusion.

He doesn’t know who moves first, but the next thing he really knows is the feel of Buck’s lips against his own in a slow, languid kiss that doesn’t quite line up until it does and all Eddie can do is melt.

“Do you even have to ask?” Eddie’s heart is burning when they pull away, breathless in the quiet, his voice too loud and too quiet.

And oh, that first kiss has nothing on the second.

[princesswondora]

Hindsight

Running probably isn’t the smartest decision I’ve made seeing as just two months ago I couldn’t go up the stairs without needing to sit down to catch my breath. Yet I have decided that running is the thing that will save me from all this frustration. Because, honestly, being incapable of doing something I used to do well is incredibly frustrating. Sure I was running incredibly slow with lots of walk breaks before, but that was mostly because I was just out of shape. Being out of shape is definitely easier to fix than potentially permanent lung and maybe even heart damage. 

Stupidly, I had signed up for several races this fall. The Wonder Woman 10k of course because I cannot resist anything labeled “Wonder Woman” and the OUC Half Marathon in Orlando (the virtual option). I have done the OUC half for the past three years so missing a year just seemed wrong. I realize that life changes and such, but right now having a tiny bit of consistency sounded like it would fix all my problems. I realize in hindsight that that argument rarely applies and in fact consistency and normalcy could actually hurt me more. But hey, it’s 2020 and so is hindsight.

Given that I am now signed up for these races, I figured I should probably actually do something to get ready for them so I don’t completely die, just partially. Seeing as the OUC half is December 5th and the 10k results are due November 11th, I figured I could now use the 10k as more or less a halfway mark in my training. I can more or less get through a 5k right now so at least I’m not starting completely from scratch. 

I’ve been adopting something called the Jeff Galloway Training Method. Have you ever seen those people during races who seem like they must be dying because they run for about a minute and then walk for 30 seconds then take off running again? Apparently that’s the Galloway Method. The Viking in me believes that it’s most honorable to just run the whole thing and never walk, but the Viking in me also signed up for those races after surviving a deadly disease. That’s to say, the Viking in me is often very incorrect and makes stupid decisions out of pride. The Galloway Method has actually proven to be more effective in many cases because the tiny walking breaks allow for the legs to recover just a bit; however, the breaks are never small enough to require a noticeable running pace change to make up the time. Given that my lungs can survive about 3-5 minutes of running before I’m gasping for air and feel like death, the Galloway Method might be the only way I’ll ever get through any run for the foreseeable future.

I gave this method a try yesterday while attempting a 10k run. I’m not sure why I thought I was ready for such a grand feat. My guess is my Viking took over and decided that I was going to do it whether or not I was ready. Damn you, stupid Viking... Turns out, as pretty much anyone could have deduced, I was not ready for a 10k. I barely made it through the 5k. Since I live in Florida and it’s never not hot, even at night, I was sweating profusely by the end of the first kilometer. By the 3rd kilometer, I had to extend one of my walking breaks from one minute to five minutes to catch my breath, which was still ragged and wheezing when I started the running cycle again. When I reached the 5k marker, I just gave up. I was tired, thirsty, out of breath, and the ice cream and stir fry I ate right before running had turned into a molten ball of lead in my abdomen. 

This was when the anxiety decided to step in for a bit. Quick note about running anxiety: apparently some runners are prone to panic attacks while running because their bodies are having so many panic attack symptoms just from running (elevated heart rate, sweating, shortness of breath, etc.) that the body actually triggers a panic attack. This is definitely one of the more stupid evolutionary developments our body has ever made. And yet, this is what my body decided to do. It was difficult to notice between the COVID wheezing, the running wheezing, and the humidity. I only noticed it because my brain started saying that I was going to just fall over and die and no one would notice. Or worse, someone would notice and that would just be embarrassing. Plus I didn’t have a mask. What if someone approached me without a mask? What if the ambulance didn’t have a mask for me?? HOW WILL I PAY FOR THE AMBULANCE??? 

Thankfully, that last spiral helped me catch the anxiety pretty early on. I was able to call my sister and talk with her about random nonsense for a little bit. While she wouldn’t have been able to actually do anything to help me physically, it was a good distraction. I highly recommend having at least one person that you can call during moments of running anxiety. It helps to have an external person tell you to take a deep breath.

Definitely plan out your water too. This was something I did not do. Plunking some water bottles down along the route before running is ideal. I even have little water bottles that can be carried easily. Yet I did not bring these with me or put my water out before the run. This lead me to the gas station at around the 7k marker. Since I had no mask, I tied my shirt around my face like a hot pink ninja. The gas station had a soda machine with the blue Powerade, which conveniently was what I wanted. Then to decide on the size. My options were Tiny (small), Medium (medium), Mega (large), and Maximum (child sized???). I felt that calling a small soda “tiny” was rather inaccurate given the fact that a small coffee in Iceland is less than one shot. If anything, the smallest size in Iceland should be called “tiny.” However, I suppose “tiny” was accurate in comparison to “Maximum” which was an entire 45 fl. oz. Naturally, as an American, I selected Maximum. This cup was so large my Viking-sized hand cramped up trying to carry it, which was honestly one of the most American problems I’ve ever had maybe only second to hurting my jaw trying to stuff my burger in my face.

I did finish the full 10k, running the first half using the Galloway Method and walking the second half with a much too large bucket of Powerade. It was definitely a struggle I was not yet ready for though. There’s no shame in taking it a bit easy, I guess. All we can ever do is listen to our bodies and let them tell us what we need. Hindsight may be 20/20, but that doesn’t mean that foresight has to be blind. Don’t let your stumbles become faceplants.

[eloarei]

tl;dr and TW: I had a miscarriage (and an ER visit)

So, I haven’t been on tumblr for a while. Let’s see how long. ...Three and a half months. Basically, I haven’t been on since a little before I found out I was pregnant.  See, my birthday was January 28th. My last period had started on New Year’s Day, so I was slated to start again on my birthday, and I just kept thinking, “gosh, I would really like to not be on my period on my birthday!”  Well, I got my wish. A few days came and went, and I thought, “okay, I’m pregnant.” This wasn’t an overreaction; I’d never been more than 3 days late in the past few years, and I just... felt it. I took the test, and lo and behold, it was positive. A ‘dye-stealer’, even. (A strong positive, where the positive line ‘steals’ all the dye from the control line.) (I’ve spent a lot of time on pregnancy forums; I’m familiar with a whole new world now.)  I was happy. Mostly excited, mostly not scared. My husband was the same. We’d been married for 12 years with no kids, no prior pregnancies, and I’d thought for a few years that I probably did want kids-- it just... never happened. We were too careful, until we decided not to be. (Even then, we weren’t trying. We just let things do as they would.)  The next 6 weeks were interesting. It was... neat? Neat to feel all the minute changes. Every day I was so aware of my body and what was happening to it. Even though I was almost not showing at all (I could see a slight difference; nobody else would have), I felt so big, and I was exhausted, but it was kind of fun. It was fun thinking about having an October baby; maybe its birthday would end up on my husband’s, or my old bff’s. Maybe it’d be 10-15-20. I thought that would be cool. And I thought about names, about how we’d arrange the house, how we’d afford everything when we have such a habit of just squeaking by. I felt we were up for the challenge.  But I read a lot of information. SO MUCH information. So I knew there was a chance it wouldn’t work out. After all, roughly 1 out of every 4 known pregnancies ends badly. And there was no reason why I should miscarry, when I was healthy, and my family didn’t have a history of common miscarriages. But I wasn’t stupid, and I’ve never been the kind of person to say, “it won’t happen to me”.  I guess I was lucky that I read so much, that I knew things could go wrong, because they did. Even so, I wasn’t entirely prepared. I started bleeding around week 9, so I read an absolute ton about miscarriages. They all said it happened pretty quick-- maybe a few days of light bleeding before the ‘big event’, and that the event itself was painful-- AT LEAST like heavy period cramps. When I continued bleeding for over a week I thought “...maybe it’s not a miscarriage?” I read some more and determined it could have been a subchorionic hemorrhage-- bleeding in the uterus that is usually not fatal to the baby, often characterized by period-like bleeding: long, slow, not very painful.  The whole time I was trying to find a place to get an ultrasound. I don’t/didn’t have a doctor of my own, a primary care physician or an obstetrician. I’ve never really done doctors. Figured I’d wait until about the second trimester to find one, since my readings told me a lot of doctors waited til week 10+ for the first appointment anyway. Unfortunately, all the clinics I talked to wouldn’t deal with me when I mentioned I had some bleeding-- even though it was just a little bit! Less than a period. “Go to the ER”, they said, to which I responded that I absolutely was not going to go to the ER for a non-emergency when hospitals were stuffed with coronavirus patients.  Therefore, I just waited while I kept looking, hoping it would sort itself out.  In a way, it eventually did. Monday morning, as I was about to go to sleep (I work nights), I had some slightly heavier bleeding. Thought it might have been another small clot. Sat on the toilet for an hour before I felt woozy and decided to lay in the tub before I passed out. Thank god for my husband, because I don’t know if I would have survived the next several hours without him.  HERE’s the TMI >>>>>>>  I continued bleeding for the next three hours, my husband pouring warm water on me to wash all the little clots away. After a while, I passed a huge clot, size of an egg. Ever done that science experiment where you use vinegar or something to dissolve an egg shell and you’re left with just the innards in a flexible membrane? Well it was like that, but blood. I passed out a little while after that.  ....That’s when I knew things were getting weird. It was my second time passing out ever, and I hated it. I think it’s literally my least favorite thing in the world. 5 seconds that feels like an eternity and it feels like you’re going to die but you can’t explain why. Terrible.  I still thought maybe we could get through this. It didn’t hurt, it was just... well, losing blood. It was within the realm of what I’d read about subchornionic hemorrhage, so I thought maybe that clot was the worst of it. HMM, I was wrong. I passed another one just like it. Then I passed out twice in quick succession, upchucked all over myself (the smell haunts me, ugh), and apparently turned rather blue. So I told him, “hey, it’s time for the ER”.  Boy, that was....... a thing. He called his mom because I said I didn’t want him driving and for me to pass out again when he couldn’t help. I swaddled myself in towels and garbage bags so I wouldn’t bleed all over the damn place, all the while feeling like I might just die at any moment. When we got to the ER, they put me in a wheelchair, asked me some questions I could barely answer, and then took me back.  The next 24 hours consisted of being stabbed, suctioned, and pumped with 5 liters of saline solution which left me smelling weird. I was barely conscious for the first half of it, but talking and joking whenever I could-- because apparently that’s how I deal with stress. Anyone surprised?  Anyway, they quickly confirmed what I knew as soon as I passed more than one ungodly egg-clot: it was a miscarriage. They removed what was left; I didn’t look at it, but my husband said there... wasn’t really much. Nobody did any analyses, so I’m left to surmise that it wouldn’t have been more than 6 weeks (or possibly anembryonic), meaning it was just in there for 5+ weeks by then, doing nothing but accumulating blood. Insult to injury much?  The biggest strangeness of the whole ordeal, the reason why I didn’t expect it was a miscarriage in the first place, was that none of it hurt. Every story I read said it hurt, but this just felt... awkward. I mean, passing out wasn’t fun. Sure as hell didn’t feel comfortable, but I never experienced any pain (except the blood draws; lord did those bruise. Ugh).  The whole thing left me feeling exhausted. It took days before I could do more than toddle around the house. It’s been 2 weeks now, but I still feel a little sick when I think about those fucking clots, or the strangeness of the ER, or passing out 4+ times. I’m hoping I don’t have brain damage, geez. I certainly feel mentally slower than usual, like maybe the pregnancy-brain never went back to normal.  As for what I feel emotionally... it’s... hard to say. I’m sad. Disappointed, annoyed. But mostly I was scared. And that makes me hesitant. I still want a kid. I wanted that kid. But I’ve always been very careful. We always knew the risks and wanted to wait until the right time. The problem is, now... Now I’m more intimately familiar with some of the risks, and I’m a bit afraid it’s going to make me too careful. Will I ever get another chance? Will I ever give myself another chance? I don’t know. I really just don’t.  Mostly though, I am glad to be alive. And while I was more than accepting of the ugly bloated and tired feeling of pregnancy, I’m happy to take the good with the bad now. I hate what I lost, but my body is starting to feel normal again, and... well, that’s nice, I guess.  Anyway... That’s partly why I haven’t been online, and what I’ve been up to since. God I hope you guys have all had nicer, less-eventful years so far. (If you wanna catch up, feel free to message me. The IM feature seems busted on my end, so maybe try sending an ask or something instead.) 

[rosesandfandoms]

TxT: You cry while they’re away on tour.

Soobin:

Y/n deeply missed Soobin while he was away, but he was living his dream, so she was okay with it. She knew what she got into when she became Soobin's girlfriend. The fans supported him with coming out with a girlfriend. The only hard part was when Soobin went on tours and wouldn't come home for weeks, almost months.

"Today, we went to this fantastic restaurant, and walked around the city," Soobin explained as he and Y/n talked over Skype, "the people were nice, it was fun. I want to take you there someday."

Y/n tried to put on a brave smile. Not wanting to worry Soobin. Y/n was just missing him was all. And they haven't been dating long, so of course it's going to feel a little weird. However, Soobin did make up for it when he came back home, took her to his practices and everything. She just has to get used to the distance.

"Jagi, are you all right?" the leader asks worriedly, Y/n hasn't been acting her usual self. Normally she would be brightly smiling and telling him about her day, a cute puppy that she saw on the street, reminding her of her childhood dog, and a joke her friend told her.

"Yeah," Y/n put on a fake smile, "just a little tired is all. Studying for exams."

"Y/n, I know you, you don't look just tired," Soobin sighed, "you look like something is on your mind."

"It's nothing," Y/n reasoned.

"It's not nothing, come on Y/n, I may be on tour, but I am still your boyfriend. What's wrong," Soobin said calmly, but sternly. How'd he talk to the maknae's about finishing their schoolwork before they'd play games.

"I just miss you," Y/n sniffled.

"I miss you too, Y/n. It just a couple more weeks and then you'll be in my arms again." Soobin soothed, "when I come home, I'll give you all the cuddles you want. I love you."

"I love you too" Y/n breathed out, feeling a little better hearing his voice and promises.

Yeonjun:

Both of them were bummed. BigHit have Y/n the okay that she could go on tour with her boyfriend. But the odds weren't in her favor. Life made Tomorrow x Together's tour the same time that Y/n's University was having exams, and after begging that she could take the tests online, or earlier, her professors wouldn't let her. So yeah. Yeonjun and Y/n were upset. They had plans after Yeonjun was done doing whatever he had to do, and both were looking forward to going on this tour together. That didn't stop the many, many calls, texts, and video chats though. Y/n would send her boyfriend the answers and he would quiz her during a video chat.

"Right again," Yeonjun chuckled, "you're so smart that I bet you don't even have to study to pass a test."

"Thanks, but this is my worst subject, this lesson we just went over was the easiest," Y/n groaned laying back on her dorm rooms bed. Her roommate was gone for the weekend. Which was a good thing, Y/n didn't want her roommate seeing her cry the whole weekend and stuffing her face with most likely unhealthy food and binge-watching Do Ji Han shows.

After a few moments of silence, Y/n broke down in tears.

"Are you crying?" Yeonjun asked alarmed.

"Yeah," Y/n took a deep breath, "I'm tired, upset, and worn out. I just wish I was with you instead of taking these stupid exams."

"But those exams will pay off, you'll get your degree, and show everyone how smart my beautiful girlfriend is," Yeonjun spoke softly as he stepped outside, the rest of the boys were with him and he wanted to have some privacy once he heard the cries from his phone.

"I miss you so much, it would be easier if I had you here with me to study, you always give me the energy to make it through," Y/n cried harder.

"I'll tell you what, after your last exam, I'll buy you a plane ticket to so that you can meet us at our next stop and you can be on the rest of the tour and take a small break," Yeonjun suggested, "does that sound good? I'll talk to my manager and staff members."

"Yeah," Y/n cooled down, "I'll like that."

"Okay, I'll see you then jagi. Get some rest, you have a busy day tomorrow, I love you don't forget that." Yeonjun smiled at the screen, happy that his girlfriend was no longer crying.

Beomgyu:

The young couple had just gotten in a fight before Beomgyu left for his London tour. Y/n tried to get over it and move on, but the fight kept replaying, over, and over again. Getting louder each time. Why didn't they end the fight when it was getting worse? Did Beomgyu still love her? Is he thinking about her now, like she is him?  These questions burned at the back of her head, the flames making images in her mind, the times they'd sneak out to see each other when they'd just cuddle and little to music when Beomgyu would take endless Polaroids of the both of them, mostly Y/n, her favorite moments were when they'd cuddle and whisper sweet nothings in the other's ears. But will this all end? Just because of a fight? All couples fight, and it is healthy at times to fight, but what about this? Y/n shouldn't have jealousy plague her when she saw a girl get a little too close to Beomgyu, She should have listened to his side, actually listen to him, and trust that he'd never hurt her that way.

Wanting to settle her thoughts if they did really break up. Y/n picked up her phone and suggested a video chat with him. Regretting when he picked up on the almost to the last ring. I don't want to bother him, he's busy. I don't want to make him more upset. Y/n thought. Her heart beating faster as she heard his angelic voice, making her fall in love all over. This will be so hard if it's the end of us.

"Hello," Beomgyu appeared, from the looks of it, he was in bed. There was a bedside lamp on, his hair was messy.

"Did I wake you up?" Y/n asked, her voice almost shaking.

"No," Beomgyu sighed, running his free hair through his blonde hair, "I couldn't sleep."

"Well, you need to sleep, I'll call lat-" Beomgyu cut her off.

"Y/n what is it?" he sat up more in bed. Though they had a fight, he still loved her, and she wouldn't call him this late if something wasn't bothering her. He knows her all too well. The perks of having someone you love.

"I love you," Y/n finally broke down in tears, no longer able to hold them in, "I'm sorry about our fight. I don't want to break up. I miss you so damn much."

"Jagi, hey, take deep breaths," Beomgyu was fulling sitting up, alarmed, but also quiet since Huening Kai was passed out on the other bed, "who said anything about breaking up. It was just a fight, our first one at that, one was bound to happen. I love and miss you too."

"I want to be with you right now," Y/n sniffled, "you're living your dream and I love that, I just want to be in your arms right now."

"I know, I want you to be too," Beomgyu smiled softly, "I'll be home soon, and we'll talk in person about us, and how much I love you. Y/n, it's really late there, get some sleep."

"I love you," Y/n dried her tears.

"I love you too," Beomgyu dried the ones that were coming out of his own eyes.

Taehyun:

Date night. The madly in love couple were having date night over Skype. Couple Goals? Anyway, Taehyun was having a late-night snack, while Y/n was having a mid-afternoon snack. Both telling jokes, and each other about their days. Both missed each other, but they made the best of it. That's what you have to do in situations like these, when you love someone, you force it to work, and not care about the distance. However, Y/n was a little more emotional than normal. That time of the month came, she was cranky, tired of everyone and everything, wanted to have a good cry while sitting alone in a dark room, but most of all she wanted Taehyun's cuddles. Cramps were kicking in, and he always gave her the best cuddles he could manage when her body went through the torture.

"Tae, are you okay, you look upset?" Y/n asked, worried that he might not be feeling well,  is tired, or working himself too hard.

Her heart broke when she saw the little tear fall from his eye. Oh no, she as going to start crying too.

"I just really miss you, I'm tired, I can't fall asleep not knowing if you're one hundred percent okay and if your not next to me," Taehyun tried to wipe away the tears, but they just kept coming out, probably mainly from exhaustion.

"I miss you too, but we will get through this, like always, just a couple more weeks," tears started to come out of Y/n's eyes now too, seeing her boyfriend like this hurt her deeply. All she wanted to do right now was hold him as he cried and tell him that everything is going to be okay.

"I made you cry!" Taehyun froze, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry."

"Kang Taehyun, you and I both know that if you start crying, so will I, so don't you dare apologize, there is nothing to be sorry about," Y/n said sternly, "I love you, it's late where you are and you're tired, so go to sleep, we can talk later."

"Okay, I love you too," Taehyun was shocked at the sudden outburst, but got over it when he remembered what week it was, "sleep in one of my shirts, it'll feel like I'm there."

"Who said I wasn't already!" Y/n said after a long pause.

Huening Kai:

Relationships can be hard. Especially when you are young and in love. Everyone will have an input on it, either you're too young to date or it'll be over in a month. They can also be hard when your family doesn't know that you're dating. Fun. But you know? Sometimes you have to keep it that way for a reason, and in this case is, Huening Kai, the Huening Kai. Y/n was the new girl when they met, literally new to the country. Her mother got a really good job as a professor and couldn't let it go away, so the L/n's moved to South Korea. One day, Y/n got up early and walked around town, got in the mood for some coffee before she'd go shop around, and ran into Huening Kai, who was is a rush to go back to the dorms and get some rest since he stayed up late just to practice for his fans, thank the Lord it was Saturday, they bumped into each other, coffee was spilled,  poor guy freaked and offered to buy her another one, they talked, magic happened, they became friends, then boom, a couple. Since it was still in the early stage, Y/n still had to get used to her boyfriend going on tours.

But one night, on a weekend, the couple talked together on Skype. Y/n had a long day at school, still trying to fit in, but she was managing, since she has made some friends. So she was tired and missing her boyfriend at the same time, her first friend she made since the move. And she couldn't help the tears that formed when Huening's handsome face appeared on the screen.

"Y/n it's just for a few days, I'll be back soon," the boy playfully teased.

"I know, I know, I'm still getting used to it." Y/n wiped away the tears.

"Don't cry, that makes me want to cry to and my hyungs are in the same room." Huening Kai told her when he saw more tears coming out of her e/c eyes, his remark caused giggles from his hyung.

"We've already seen you cry before, nothing new, especially when we boarded the plane and you were crying 'Yeonjun hyung, I don't want to say goodbye to my Y/n'." Yeonjun said overdramatically, "oww, Soobin don't throw a pillow at me, it's true, he was looking at her pictures the whole way here!"

"So you missed me too," Y/n laughed through her tears.

"Of course I did, you're my girlfriend." Huening Kai covered his face in embarrassment from his hyungs who were still teasing the daylights out of him.

"Girlfriend?" a voice came from behind Y/n, her eyes widened, "you're dating someone?"

"Mom!"

[smileyjaeminies]

The flirt with the biggest heart

Synopsis: You weren’t feeling so well, but gladly Nana was always there to comfort you. You leave yourself exposed to him, simply laying your heart at his feet. With your upcoming competition, how will everything turn out?

Word Count: 4,6k

Genre: slow burn, angst, fluff

Warnings: none

Member: 00z, ft. Yangyang

A/N: I’m so sorry these have been taking forever to come out :( I hope you like this, make sure you keep an eye out for the finale!

~Series Masterlist~

  School would be your demise. After spring had finally showed the face you liked, the carefree and shining side you always longed for, your dance competitions stopped you from truly enjoying her gift.

  Your competitions lasted for three weeks in total, which meant daily practices for everyone. This year, your number was intense with flips and jumps, difficult formations and sharp moves. You loved it though, you thrived within the hard beat and the long hours.

  Elena was always there to pull you out from your slump, helping you with homework and assignments and basically carrying your weight for almost a month. But she would never say a word, and you loved her for it.

  The first two weeks of your competitions had already passed, with the previous Sunday being victorious for you and your team as you got second place. You celebrated grandly at a pizza place downtown when the worst thing that could happen did.

  You got your period.

  Okay, maybe you were exaggerating a little bit, but this was no time for your body to be making its own battle against you. You needed every cell you had under your control and that was vital.

  After a quick word with your dance instructor, you both decided that it would be for the best that you stayed inside on Monday, to rest and gather your strength for a good practice on Tuesday. And then… Well, you’d have to see.

  Which brought you right to this moment, early Monday afternoon, all alone in your house, watching whatever popped up in your recommended on Youtube. You mindlessly watched video after video, just lying down and trying not to think about the searing pain that tortured your abdomen.

  The stillness of your room helped the stillness of your mind which for once decided to stop its racing; the numbness was welcome, an old friend you greeted at the door and bid to come in. You wrapped yourself in her arms, allowing her to lead you back and rest.

  Uncalled for, the ringtone of your phone disturbed the delicate balance. You debated answering for a few seconds but as you saw Jaemin’s name you knew that he wouldn’t stop calling until you picked up. You took him out of his misery, answering with a simple, “Hi Nana”

  “Y/N!!” he shouted.

  “I need to teach you kids to talk more quietly” you mumbled under your breath.

  “Y/N!!!” Jaemin repeated. “Today is Monday!!!”

  “I’m aware of that Jaemin” you replied.

  “You missed the club meeting” He said and you could distinguish the pout in his voice.

  “I know, I am supposed to stay at home and rest today.” You explained.

  “Are you sick? I heard you won yesterday, congratulations!” he said.

  “No, I’m just tired. And, yes we got second place, exciting stuff!” you answered.

  “Well, if you’re not sick, then I’m coming over! Movies and coffee afternoon, just the two of us!”

  “No coffee allowed, Jaemin” you informed him.

  “Why not?” he said, sounding hurt.

  “Jaemin, I’m having one of those days” you tried to explain.

  “Why? Are you feeling sad? Did Donghyuck say something to you?” He asked question after question as you chuckled.

  “Jaemin, listen to me, I’m having those days of the month…” you cut him off, explaining again.

  You heard him take a deep breath as realization hit him. He stayed quiet for a few seconds, and then:

  “Wait! No magic bean juice, like at all? No wonder girls are so grumpy when they’re on their periods!”

  “Nana!” you reprimanded him slightly.

  “Okay, okay. No magic bean juice… Snacks then?” he asked.

  You wanted to say no. You knew your dad would be furious when he came home and found a boy in his house. But it had been weeks since you had hang out with Jaemin and you missed him a lot. Just one movie wouldn’t hurt.

  “Alright. But bring me a lot of chocolate.” You requested.

  “Yes ma’am!” Jaemin answered, hanging up the phone.

  You managed to peel yourself off your bed and went to the bathroom to freshen up a little. You were looking pretty rough if you were being honest, but oh well, this was just Jaemin. You went back into your room and tidied it up, folding all your clothes and making your bed. The bell rang, announcing Jaemin’s arrival and you rushed to greet him.

  “Is this enough?” Jaemin asked, holding up a huge grocery bag.

  “It will do I guess” you answered him, grinning.

  After one tight hug and another round of congratulations on second place, you both made your way inside, getting comfortable under the covers. You tried (and failed) to convince Jaemin to watch a new movie that you were sure would get an Oscar nomination. But he wouldn’t budge.

  “Disney movies are like a painkiller! It will help with your cramps!” he insisted.

  “Oh please, we’ll shut it off before 30 minutes are up. Besides, I don’t even like Disney that much.” You countered.

  “Ha! Sure you don’t. Who are you kidding Y/N? You’ve picked up on every single reference I’ve made!” he scoffed.

  You blushed and chuckled at his words. Disney and Pixar movies were indeed some of your favourites. You could recite whole movies by heart, you knew every lyric and song. But you wouldn’t admit it to Jaemin.

  “Fine, fine! You win! Play the movie.” You told him.

  Jaemin bent down to press a kiss to your cheek, before grabbing your computer and finding the movie he wanted. You watched him, eyes filled with concentration as he went on about how he hadn’t watched the movie in ages.

  Soon enough, you found yourself wrapped up on Jaemin’s side, your favourite chocolate in your hands and the Disney movie filling the silence in the room. However, that didn’t last long.

  The movie Jaemin suggested turned out to be a total bore, so you shut it off only 20 minutes in. You had made a brand new playlist, its soft music now drifting through your laptop's speakers and dancing through the room. You had laid back onto Jaemin, and he was now playing with your hair. The gesture should've been intimate, but it was more comfortable than anything.

  Your thoughts drifted of course, to the boy next to you. Nana was playful flirting and rosy cheeks. Jaemin was constantly pushing the boundaries and a fluttering heart. Jaemin was the buzz of morning coffee, the heat seeping from it onto your palm warming up your hand and your heart.

  Jaemin was everything but routine. He was the unpredictable, racing through the night and screaming the lyrics to your favourite songs. He was sneaking into his parent’s liquor cabinet for alcohol, letting your insides burn with its fumes.

  Jaemin was the easiest person to love. He poured and poured his love onto anything his life touched and never held back. Jaemin was thinking about the consequences after the action.

  That's why, when your tears started to fall, you did nothing to conceal them. You didn't have to. Not with Nana.

  “You want to tell me what’s wrong?” he asked, his voice low.

  And so you did. You poured and poured your heart out to him. You left nothing out, from your breakup, to Renjun, then Jeno and Yangyang. You went over that dreadful afternoon with Kyle, how Donghyuck found you later. You talked to him about how scared you still were, how anxious and heartbroken and confused.

  He sat next to you and then continued to sit on your bed as you got up and started pacing around the room. He never said a word, he allowed you to talk for as long as you needed, to give him all the facts and details before he said anything.

  It took a while for you to sit back down at the foot of your bed, only to drop your face in your hands.

  “I’m such a mess” you admitted.

  “You want to know what I think? These are my friends after all” Jaemin offered. You only nodded slightly at his words turning to look at him.

  “I think if someone had caught feelings, you’d have known by now. The kisses were spontaneous and that’s why no one mentioned them after. And because you asked. You know us Y/N, all of us. Do you think we’d ever go against your wishes? Especially on something like this? No. None of us would, not even Hyuck.”

  “About the Kyle… situation. I wish you’d let me beat up his face. I may have tiny fists, but I’m sure if I took him by surprise… Whatever. You should’ve reported it. I understand why you didn’t, I do. But that was dumb baby, I’m sorry. The good thing is, he has drawn himself back into the fiery pit he likes to call home.” Jaemin finished.

  “His house is actually very pretty” you joked.

  Jaemin’s face lit up at your silly joke.

  “She jokes! Ladies and gentlemen, after an hour of crying, she jokes!” he teased you.

  He moved over on the bed, making his way next to you. He wrapped you in his arms in a weird embrace filled with arms and limbs and bodies. But you wouldn’t have it any other way.

  “Nana?” you asked after a few minutes dragged on.

  “Yes?” he responded.

  “Can you come to my last competition on Friday? For moral support?” you asked.

  “I’ll be at the first row.” Jaemin agreed, running his hands through your hair.

  Your peaceful moment was interrupted by keys at your front door and your mother’s excited voice.

  “Shit. Mom’s home.” You mumbled under your breath.

  “Is that bad?” Jaemin asked.

  “Not that bad, unless Dad’s with her” you answered and paused to listen carefully for your father’s voice.

  Luck was on your side however as your Dad hadn’t returned just yet. Your mother called your name, announcing she’s back and you pulled Jaemin to his feet as quickly as possible.

  “Best behavior. Do not try to charm my mom or I will kill you. You say hello you DECLINE dinner and you’re out the door. Deal??” you turned to him.

  “Damn baby, are you embarrassed of me?” he asked, slightly hurt.

  “Not you…” you whisper under your breath, already pushing him out of the door.

  “Hi Mommy! Did you have a good day at work?” you greet your Mom in the kitchen, putting back some groceries.

  “It was okay. You know, work is work.” She answered as she hugged you.

  “Mommy, this is Jaemin. He came to keep me some company.” You introduced your friend.

  “Jaemin, it’s really nice to meet you! Y/N talks about you all the time!” your Mom said and you couldn’t help but glare at her.

  Jaemin however only shot you a funny look and proceeded to greet your mother kindly. He declined dinner like you asked him, but he couldn’t help charming his way into your mother’s heart. After he left, your mother wouldn’t stop talking about him, asking about him and going on about what a kind young man he was already.

  You didn’t really mind, on the contrary, you were glad your Mom had liked Nana. But the untold promise was that you wouldn’t talk about any of this in front of your Dad. Your father was… Old fashioned let’s say, so this was a strictly only girls topic.

  After helping your mom with the groceries, you excused yourself back to your room. Once you got there, you opened your phone, your hand hovering over the familiar username, before you took the next step and dialed his number.

  He picked up on the third ring.

  “Hello?” he asked.

  “Hi” you answered.

  “What’s up, Y/N? I missed you today… In fact, it feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.” He scolded you.

  “I know, I know… That’s why I called… I have a favour to ask you.” You said.

  “Oh? Let’s hear it then!” he responded.

  “I need a good luck charm…” you trailed off.

  “The tables have turned then?” Jeno teased you.

  “They have… You think you could help a friend in a tight place?” you asked.

  “I’ll be in the front row” Jeno said, not hesitating.

  How ironic, you thought, that both of them had said the exact same thing. Or maybe it wasn’t ironic at all…  

  “You want me to bring everyone?” Jeno asked.

  “I already asked Jaemin and Yangyang is going to be there since we’re competing against each other. I doubt Donghyuck will be willing to come, so that just leaves Renjun. You should ask him though, maybe he’ll need a ride or something.” You finished.

  “I think you don’t give Donghyuck enough credit. I’m sure he’ll want to support you and Yangyang. Anyway, I’m going to ask.” Jeno said.

  “I think you forget that Donghyuck hates my guts but oh well! Ask away! Maybe he’ll come for Yangyang.” You replied.

  Jeno mumbled something under his breath that sounded a lot like “Typical”. He brushed it off right after however, hanging up the phone.

  After talking to both Jaemin and Jeno, you felt significantly better. A weight had been lifted off your shoulders, first by Jaemin’s wise words and comforting hugs. Second, the weight was shared with the knowledge that Jeno would be there at your last competition, knowing exactly what you were feeling and helping you through it.

---------------------------------------------------------

  The day of the competition arrived sooner than you thought. Elena drove with you in your Dad’s car, holding your hand throughout the ride and sharing her earphones with you. Calm, comforting music rushed through them into your ears, but your mind was replaying the beat you would be dancing to in a few hours, going over every move.

  Once you stepped foot at the venue, you were met with the familiar rumble of the competition. You signed some forms and you headed straight backstage to meet your instructor and the rest of your team. You were carried away for a warm up as you had to rehearse on stage soon enough.

  Rehearsals were a blur, your mind failing to concentrate at more than one thing at a time. Your instructor scolded you slightly but stayed reassured that you’d keep your head in the game for the actual erformance.

  Backstage, Elena scooped you up in her arms, reassuring you that you did great and that you hadn’t shown anything yet. You calmed down after a bit, still sharing Elena’s earphones and keeping your hands together in a tight hold.

  Before long, Elena led you to a make-up stand and got to work. As an artist, Elena had her way with make-up, producing looks that you couldn’t even dream of. She even helped you tie your hair back in a tight ponytail to match everyone. When she finished, she didn’t allow you to look at the result, but helped you get into costume first.

  Once your whole outfit was complete, you walked in front of a full length mirror. The result was outstanding. Your outfit fitted you well, the black and red contradicting each other. Your eye look matched the outfit, red eye-shadow dancing over your eyelids with a fierce cat eye completing the look.

  You hugged Elena and thanked her a thousand times for her help. You had begun to really calm down, a tranquility taking over you. You decided to look for Yangyang and soon enough you found his group’s dressing room and made a beeline to his arms.

  “Are you sure you’re Y/N? You look amazing!” Yangyang complemented you, twirling you around.

  “Elena does work wonders, what can I say!” you said.

  “Well Elena clearly needs to do my make-up as well! You think I could steal her for a while?” he asked, turning to Elena.

  “You want your make-up done? Really?” Elena asked.

  “I don’t have the words toxic masculinity on my vocabulary, ma’am. I’d be honored.” Yangyang replied, and you had never felt more proud.

  Elena fumbled for words for a few seconds before ushering Yangyang to a seat. You talked with both of them and Cat, Yangyang’s official girlfriend now, for a while before Elena turned to you.

  “You know, it’s getting late, if you want to see the boys, you better get out now” she said.

  “You’re probably right. Yangyang, don’t you dare move before I check the final result. I’ll be back in a second.” You announced, taking your leave.

  You walked out of the dressing room and headed to the stage. Taking out your phone, you saw a message from Renjun.

    Junnie

Hey Y/N! Traffic is being a bitch so we’ll be there in like, 10 minutes. Wait for us!! We want to give you good luck hugs!

  You

I’ll be waiting! Tell Jeno to be careful, you have time!

    After replying to Renjun’s message, you decided to step out anyway, to get some air and talk with some of your friends. You were introduced to some people from opposing teams and you were currently discussing the judges when you felt a hand on your shoulder.

  You were surprised to find Donghyuck smiling at you once you turned around. Quickly composing yourself, you tried to hide your nervousness as you greeted him. You almost screamed when he bent down to give you a hug and wish you good luck.

  “So, what do you think about today? An easy win?” Donghyuck asked.

  You were still perplexed by his hug and his overall nice demeanor before you answered.

  “Winning is never easy. All the teams put in a lot of work, or else they wouldn’t be here.”

  “Here, here tiger, no need to get defensive. Besides, I’m supporting two teams today, aren’t I?” he asked.

  “You don’t mean to make me believe that you’re here to support me, are you?” you asked him in return.

  Donghyuck’s face flashed with emotion.

  “Why not? Aren’t you my friend?” he asked and you could hear the hurt in his voice.

  “I don’t know Donghyuck… Are we? I mean, you always have some snarky remark to make about me day in, day out. You don’t even allow me to call you by your nickname while everyone and their mothers do… I’m not sure that’s friendship.” You replied.

  His face flashed with emotion once again. He took a few seconds to gather his thoughts before saying:

  “You know Y/N, that’s…” but you wouldn’t find out what it was.

  A huge burden was pushed on top of you as two strong hands lifted you up and twirled you around. Laughter erupted from you as you heard Jaemin praising you. All of the boys gave you their ‘good luck hugs’ and you spiraled into conversation with them.

  Donghyuck wasn’t excluded from this, but your moment was clearly over. Renjun was talking about your make-up and Elena’s skills and the others were asking you how long it would take you to perform. They almost made you dizzy, all talking at the same time but you didn’t mind; not at the moment.

  You kept stealing glances at Donghyuck and you would always find him staring right back at you. It made you nervous and it made you blush, but you couldn’t even pretend that it was a bad thing.

  Not long after, your teammates had to separate you from your friends. You hugged them again and you even got a kiss in the cheek from each of them for good luck. You promised to convey the same message to Yangyang and you were off.

  Backstage, it seemed like everyone was moving to every direction. People were talking loudly, making last minute checks and changes. You headed straight to Yangyang’s dressing room, to grab Elena and reunite with your team.

  “So, what do you think?” Yangyang asked, facing you.

  You were shocked. He was all angles, high contour on his cheeks and bright orange eye shadow around his eyes.

  “Yangyang you look…” you trailed off.

  “Show stopping? Spectacular? Like the man of your dreams?” he offered.

  “Beautiful” you said.

  “I know right? It’s hardly fair, my own boyfriend is more beautiful than me” Cat teased, smiling at Yangyang.

  “I could never” Yangyang answered.

  “Yeah, yeah, you’re in love okay OKAY. Don’t you need to go?” Elena said, turning to you.

  You nodded and hugged both Yangyang and Cat, exchanging good lucks. You finally stepped back in your team’s dressing room. Your instructor reprimanded you for being late, but you hardly listened. The blood in your veins had already begun to boil, the familiar buzz of the upcoming performance taking over you already.

  There were only about 10 teams competing, your team taking the number 8 spot. Not too early, not too late. You were restless, pacing up and down the small room and annoying your teammates. Elena managed to pull you down on your chair as yet another group took the stage.

  Your eyes were glued to the screen. They were good, too good. They moved as one, never missing a beat. The strong choreography worked amazing, their formations tight and moving around all the time. As they finished, you all took looks amongst yourselves. These people were the real stars of the night and the crowd went crazy over them.

  Next was Yangyang’s group. You found Yangyang and refused to take your eyes off of him. He did well, really well. He was nervous though and you could tell by the way he would keep looking at his teammates to make sure his position was correct. You could feel he was extra nervous in the couples’ part. But his hard work paid off. He didn’t make any mistakes you could see and overall their performance was very well structured and interesting.

  Before you even had time to process the performances, it was already time for you to standby. Elena pestered you with hugs and whispered soothing things in your ear, but you were buzzing. It was hard for you to stay still once again, and you felt your hands shaking uncontrollably. Your teammates moved around you and it was already time for you to step on the stage.

  The bright lights blinded you, but your mind was finally still. The music flowed through you, your body moving on its own accord. You were focused and not at the same time, moving right on the beat but without fully understanding what you were doing. And just like that, it was over.

  The cheers were deafening and with a simple glimpse at the crowd, you failed to see your friends. Your teammates pulled you backstage and a river of hugs and praise came over you. Elena jumped in your arms and praised how focused you were. If only she knew…

  Slowly but surely, the high of the stage left your system. You remained in your seat as the two teams left performed. Then, it was time for a short break for the judges to decide on the three best teams.

  Nervousness seeped through you once again. Elena had a tight grip on your hand and you felt dizzy, getting hotter and hotter, your back sweating. Before long it was time to go back on stage for the results to be announced.

  “I’m scared” you whispered.

  “It’s okay. You’re going to be fine” Elena tried to console you.

  Your friend Alex dragged you back on stage. You were standing amongst the rest of the teams and you were on the edge of your toes.  You tried to look for the boys to no avail; they were either too far away, or you needed contacts.

  The judges took the stage and seconds seemed to drag into hours. Third place was announced. It was Yangyang’s team. You let out a small scream and you couldn’t hold back the huge smile that took over your face. He did it. The idiot did it. As they raised their trophy, your eyes filled with tears. It felt like your own win.

  It was time to announce first place. You took a deep breath. It wouldn’t be you. You had settled within your heart that this wasn’t a winning day and it was okay.

  The envelope was opened and the name was called. Your group’s name. Your groups name. You’d won. You were pushed in a sweaty and smelly group hug, as tears left your eyes. You were full on sobbing as you saw the trophy being pushed from hand to hand until you were holding it.

  First place. It felt like a dream. Your mind was hazy as the team that ranked second, the “stars” like you had named them, gave their speech. And it was over.

  The crowd flowed on stage, loved ones finding loved ones and hugs being exchanged everyone. You stood frozen in the back of the stage. First place.

  Your name was called from somewhere. Your mind registered it, but your body failed to move at the sound.

  “Y/N!” You heard again, and finally your head moved towards the sound.

  Jaemin ran over you, arms extended. He lifted you up screaming in your ear.

  “FIRST PLACE! Y/N OH MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, YOU DID IT”

  His loud voice quieted down to a whisper as you sobbed silently into his shirt. Low words of praise filled your ears as several pairs of arms rubbed your back, trying to calm you down. You grabbed fistfuls of Jaemin’s shirt in an attempt to ground yourself, burying your face in the crook of his neck.

  After a while, you were finally able to move away from him and into the rest of the boys’ arms.

  “Oh, your little cry baby” Renjun said, hugging you tightly.

  “Good luck charm worked” Jeno said, giving you his signature eye smile and keeping you close.

  “You were amazing up there” Donghyuck said and hugged you tightly. You felt dizzy again. Your mind finally decided to start working, only to note that he smelled like the sea.

  “Y/N! There you are!” Yangyang shouted, running up to you, Cat and Elena not far behind him.

  You jumped onto him without second thought, screaming.

  “YANGYANG! YOU DID THAT! I, I’M, OH MY GOD, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU” you screamed, squeezing him tight.

  “ME? FORGET ABOUT ME YOU IDIOT, YOU GOT FIRST PLACE! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!! Y/N YOU GOT F I R S T” Yangyang screamed back.

  You went over each of your steps, each praising the other.

  “Although I love the spirit” Renjun interrupted, “Wouldn’t you want to celebrate somewhere more private?”

  “Re- group for burgers downtown?” Jeno offered.

  Everyone quickly agreed and you went backstage to change. Your dad picked you and Elena up, driving you back home for a quick shower and change of clothes. You headed downtown and met the boys in front of your favourite burger place.

  The night was easy going, a celebration with the people that mattered the most to you. Squeezed in the booth between Donghyuck and Yangyang, you laughed and enjoyed your food. All your senses were heightened to Donghyuck moving and laughing next to you. You tried to take your mind away from him, but your gaze would always go to your right, where Donghyuck was usually looking right back at you.

  That night, you hardly got any sleep despite being tucked inside your warm covers. Your mind was replaying the events of the day in an endless loop, the high of being on stage, the thrill of coming first, being in Donghyuck’s arms, the way the area around his eyes creased when he laughed.

  You were going crazy. There was no other word for it. You were going crazy over a boy that only recently stopped hating your existence. Great. You were screwed.

[carlisle980]

I get in trouble on here for being honest

In fact, I lost one of my first followers ever about a month ago for saying that mothering three kids 25/8 (because homeschool) and living hundreds of miles away from family (not by MY choice) is hard sometimes.

Oh yes. That one still hurts intensely.

However.

I haven’t got anyplace else I can say what’s in my head, which, granted, is not a sparkling, lovely place sometimes. (Cue “Human” by Human League.)

So. Hate me if you want. It hurts, but my grandmother has always told me “You’ve got broad shoulders.”

I have scoliosis. Specifically, I have a double or “S” curvature of the spine that measures 42 degrees on the top and 42 degrees on the bottom. When it was discovered, it was already over 30 degrees and I was nearly done growing. I was told that I was neither a candidate for bracing (the Milwaukee brace was all that existed back then) nor surgery (because I was a Risser 5 at age 14 I guess? I don’t think I really would have wanted to be fused with Harrington rods as it would likely have been my ENTIRE spine, but yeah). I won’t lament about how it feels to live this crooked, but know that there is never NOT pain. I avoid, or have given up, doing (and wearing) a number of things I’ve loved (ballet and modern dance; running; an office job where I had a corner all to myself and a job specially tailored to my strengths; wearing cropped workout tops or high-waisted anything because my waist is non-existent) because my body CANNOT.

I have a daughter. She’s twelve. Just before she turned 10, I noticed a small thoracic curve in her spine. (It’s really easy for me to spot in other people and I drive all three of my kids insane with how often I check their backs). Anyway. Just after her 11th birthday, she began wearing a Boston brace 3D for 20 hours a day. At first she hated it and it was the end of the world (it is a hard, hot, inflexible plastic shell after all), but soon she got used to it and now doesn’t want to take her allotted 4 hours out of it daily. In the time she’s been braced, she’s grown 8 inches. Her largest curve measured 20 degrees at the start. As of today, it’s down to 16. In other words, as she’s grown, her spine has straightened and derotated. Her orthopedic specialist gave her the option to start reducing her wearing hours and see what happens to her curves, or to continue as is, since it’s going so well. She chose —she CHOSE— to keep on going with her current wearing schedule. She’s the only kid I’ve ever heard of who’d rather be in a brace than out.

I am insanely proud of my girl and THRILLED about her prognosis. When she is 39 like me, she won’t sit on one cheek more than the other, or have to hold onto the steering wheel and pull herself into the car. She won’t have a part of her back she doesn’t breathe into, or one hip so much higher than the other that she can feel her legs twisting to compensate when she walks. She will actually look thin (whereas my ribs sit ON my hip bones, so my stomach always looks fat even though I’m a healthy weight for my height). I couldn’t be happier. She will be normal.

I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that I also feel jealous. And ANGRY, so angry about the way I was handled by the “experts” at her age. If I were diagnosed today, at the age I was when mine was discovered (9), I would be on an operating table immediately. It would still be a pretty high and long fusion, but surgery now is night-and-day different to what it was when I was first threatened with it (1990) and subsequently learned it was “unnecessary” (1994). If it were happening now, I’d probably go on to major in dance in college and actually be employable. I would be 5’7-8” and wouldn’t constantly be fighting not to get heavier than I am at this moment because it’s all so damned visible. I would enjoy swimsuit season, wouldn’t avoid clothing styles that highlight my back.

If my curves were caught early and braced now. If my largest curve was 16 degrees. I would not crumble in searing, spasmodic, random pain. I would not experience menstrual cramps as much in my back as anywhere else. I could drive for 7 or 8 hours at a time and not be temporarily paralyzed when I stepped out of the car.

On the other hand, if I hadn’t lived this struggle, I would not wear a beautiful piece of art on my right shoulder blade in tribute. A white pine tree, curved in the middle but persevering. Bent, not broken.

I would not understand the pain that made my grandfather retire at 59 and sit in his recliner for nearly three decades. The pain that ultimately took him last September, at 86. A long life by many standards; yes, but at a premium no one should have to pay. He is the one from whom I, and my daughter, inherited scoliosis. He could have chosen to keep moving and probably been a lot happier, somewhat less in agony on the daily. But chronic pain of that kind, that will never fully disappear, takes its toll over a lifetime. He was tired. I am tired. I have, personally, never felt like ‘... and therefore I cannot go on here.’ But I can see how he did. It wasn’t only physical pain for him; he had his own demons and a whole lot of shit outside of his control that took his youngest son at the age of 40 and the second youngest in March of 2018 at age 59. That was the final straw. After that I watched him slowly die. If it wasn’t for the inescapable physical torment, would he have hung on longer? Would he have stayed to see my kids grow up; would he have made peace with my grandmother? Could they have had a few happy years together for the first time in nearly seven decades of relationship?

I don’t know. I won’t know. I feel his pain even now. It doesn’t justify the poor decisions he made. It does, however, explain some of his harsh treatment of those close to him when the pain was unbearable. You get ugly when you can’t get away from it. I choose stretching and weight-bearing exercise and chiropractic care to stave off the point of madness. I think he reached that point so long ago that those options weren’t there for him then. He turned to alcohol for a long time, and when that wouldn’t do it anymore he chose oxycodone and immobilized himself.

What is my point? Scoliosis kills. It steals beauty and freedom and joy. I cannot express my gratitude for the fact that my daughter will not lose to a deformity.

I just wish I’d had that option, and my grandfather before me.