not angry or anything but for the record ocd is Not some silly quirky Organizing Things Disorder it is a living nightmare in which your brain will Plague You With Visions of stuff like your mom getting brutally run over by a car, so now youre terrified that this secretly means you want your mom to get run over by a car, so to remedy this you gently tap on her door every time you walk past it to prevent her from getting run over by a car and you can never stop doing this because its the only thing standing between your mom and her getting run over by a car (it makes sense! dont question it!) and once you finally stop and think Wait this is really stupid and manage to force yourself to stop tapping her door as youre walking away your brain goes "oh so this means you dont care if your mom gets run over by a car? you sicko" so you go back and tap the door again (just to be safe) (because of course you care about your mom and you do not want her to get run over by a car) (if you dont stop tapping the door she will randomly get run over by a car and it will secretly be entirely your fault)
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Nothing Can Ever Be Simple Snippet #4
“Obi-Wan never told you about me?” she asks, idly spinning a glass of what passes for liquor on a Rebel base. The fight against the Empire might be technically over, but supply chains haven’t even begun to recover yet.
“Obi-Wan didn’t tell me a lot of things,” he says, hand clasping around his own untouched drink. He’s proud of the fact that only a thread of bitterness seeps into his words, rather than the ocean he used to have to contain. “Obi-Wan told me Vader killed my father. He didn’t tell me the truth until after he died.”
“Until after he- what?” Ahsoka asks, confused.
“Yeah, he told me a hell of a lot more as a ghost than he ever did when he was alive,” Luke says, not understanding her confusion.
“As a…ghost?” she asks, confusion still growing.
“Yeah, don’t all Jedi come back as ghosts?” he asks, now uncertain. “I saw my father and Yoda too, once, after the battle of Endor. They didn’t speak to me, but they were there.”
“I-no, I’ve never heard of a Jedi coming back after they died. They’ve never-” they’ve never come to me is what he thinks she’s about to say, but she cuts herself off. Her expression visibly struggles for a few moments, and then she shakes her head as though to clear it. “I’ve seen stranger things, I guess. So Obi-Wan appeared to you after he died?”
“On Dagobah.” He says. “Right after Yoda….” he can’t quite finish, but she understands, and her expression saddens.
“I didn’t know he’d passed,” she says. “I’m sorry to hear it. As far as I know…he was the last real Jedi knight still alive.”
“But you- you said my father trained you,” he says. “Doesn’t that make you…?” he trails off, unsure of what that makes her. There’s just so much he doesn’t know about the old Jedi Order.
“I left the Order before completing my training,” she says, and he just stares at her. He doesn’t understand - why would anyone ever leave the Order, if not in Darkness? The Jedi were beacons of light and hope in the universe - how could anyone ever walk away from that? She sighs again.
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been hesitating to post this bc i usually try to be super chill and upbeat, but im also trying to be more genuine, so here it is i guess (im doing okay, dont worry)
this probably warrants a trigger warning even tho nothing ever really happened :/
i´d like to thank from the bottom of my heart the friends ive made on this silly little site, i may be a almost a stranger to some of you, im not the greatest at keeping contact with anyone, but if i call you a friend its because you have very special a place in my heart <3<3<3
when i first made tumblr i was really struggling, it felt almost impossible to see anything lovable in myself, if it were up to my whims back then, i wouldve made myself poof out of existence, leave no trace behind. "Goodbye to that worthless piece of trash, everythings so much better without her"
it wasn´t that there was anything wrong at home, my family´s always been nothing but loving and caring to me, but i just struggled to understand *why* that was, i wasn´t contributing financially, functionally, nor did i excell at absolutely anything (looking back, i didn´t have to, i was literally 14) , everything id ever been remotely good at i knew someone who was better than me by a long shot. i didn´t have any irl friends, i had my cousins, but being family it felt a little like they were conditioned and obligated to love me because we were family
i felt alone despite being surrounded by people who loved me, i´d grown too used to it to recognize it as genuine love, so meeting you guys really helped me know that hey! maybe people arent just nice to me because they feel obligated to be! you guys inadvertedly gave me the support i needed to continue living life! And for that im endlessly grateful for <3
i can recall several times, when i was beating myself up over the simplest of mistakes, i genuinely didn´t want to exist if i wasn´t perfect, but when my spiraling got too bad and i´d even start to think of how i´d explain to yall that i´d finally given up on living, i´d start bawling my eyes out, beause I couldn't do that to yall, I still had messages to reply to, friends to wish happy birthday to... i would be devastated if any of you guys left and i couldn´t do anything to help you
so i made myself stick around, to hold on to whatever i could even if it consisted of numbing myself to the point of it being unhealthy. and ive lost years trying to get a grip and snap back to reality, but i made it! im happy these days, and i know no matter what happens im glad im still alive. And hey, maybe i´ll start digging myself into a pit again eventually, this post has been sitting in my drafts a couple weeks and in that time ive had some less than ideal days where i felt myself slipping into that old, sad, lonely, self deprecating mentality, but the difference between back then and now is that now i know i made it out of there once, and i know what´s real because ive already recognized it before, my family isnt lying to me when they say they love me, my fiends arent lying to me when they say they care about me, the only one whos lying to me is myself, saying im not worth any of that.
so i´ll say it again, thank you friends, for existing and being there, for being my lifeline and not letting me go off the deep end, and acting as band aids for my emotional self-inflicted wounds, i´m not sure how i can ever pay you back, i´m here if you ever need me, i love you, please take care <3
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Can't believe I'm losing my Mondays now. Permanently. I swear if my boss tries to make me work *another* day after I've firmly established that I can't do more than three days of this kind of work-three days is at my PHYISCAL LIMIT, she complained about how much I pulled and sprained muscles before, WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN????? I can't just un-disable myself, ma'am!! I didn't ask to have a body that's held together by glitter glue.
She pulls this because of football season, I'm quitting.
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