#but i feel like theres a specific threshold that you have to break as a kid in art

[mestos]

from a chara standpoint i think ppl can and are allowed to enjoy the vampire ascendant ending and direction if they want to. i mean, we all kno of power fantasies and villainious routes being extremely hot and sexy. i just find it incredibly grating ppl love to enforce the "he doesn't know love anymore bc dnd lore state that vampires don't feel emotion" like maybe for you jan but not me! my man is infatuated and adores my tav as the ascendant. sorry!

[ctrl-alt-cel]

top ten puppyshipping fics?

so thrilled about this ask...unfortunately i cant give you a list of puppyshipping top 10 without taking like 3 months to reread every joukai fic ive ever loved, but i can give you a handful that ive enjoyed recently!!

Second Chance Christmas by Elexcia (30k)

ex-husbands joey and kaiba are forced to spend the holidays together after 3 years of co-parenting and scrupulously avoiding each other. (atticus and alexis are their kids and its the cutest thing ever!!!!) theres a ton of adorable family shenanigans & how much joey and kaiba work together to ensure atticus and alexis have happy childhoods free from their own personal baggage, mixed with the most heartwrenching late-night conversations between joey and kaiba bc despite everything, they still love each other, but they remember the pain it brought them and don't know if they can endure that again. the emotions and uncertainties are so raw oftentimes i will remember a quote from this fic and my heart will ache all over again its so fcking good!!! its been on my mind ever since i read it!!!

Meeting upon the threshold by Alecto (2.6k)

"kaiba has always been his own worst enemy" -- dsod!kaiba's dimension hopping lands him in an alternate timeline and face-to-face with a version of himself he doesn't recognize. this will always be the quintessential puppyshipping fic to me omg.. the amount of characterization covered in the brief interactions the two kaibas have is spectacular, and its so cool seeing just how different dsod!kaiba's dimension is compared to a dimension where kaiba chooses jounouchi instead. hell yeah

Double Date by thegraeyone (7.2k)

GOD this fic is so funny. kaiba tries so hard to have one normal, business-related work dinner with pegasus, but pegasus is more interested in having a double date between kaiba and his boyfriend joey + pegasus with his boyfriend bandit keith, and like, what else can kaiba do? for the sake of his company, he needs to play along with the most disasterous dinner date of his life if he wants pegasus to sign a damn contract already..!!!! the comedic potential for this specific set of characters makes me lose my mind & theres so many sweet moments within the fic too. i love it so much

Most Thrilling by Alecto (1.8k)

another funny fic! a cute moment with joey visiting his boyfriend kaiba during a lunch break, and silly conversations on how kaiba really does play to win. i love the brand of slight unhinged-ness kaiba has here in regards to jou omg... kaiba is intense when it comes to everything, of course that would include his dating life😭 & i adore how he manages to come across as infuriatingly romantic in his own type of way

The Weight of Water by phant0m (2.2k)

a gentle character piece, jounouchi has just moved out from the apartment he shares with his father, and for all the newfound freedom it should entail, he feels guilty about it more than anything. thankfully his boyfriend kaiba is there to stand by him. it's a kind look into the more somber parts of jou's character and i love the scene it sets :( oh my god jou and kaiba love each other so much..!!! *dies*

Shards by jirluven (2.9k)

more hurt/comfort >:) jounouchi flinches. kaiba isn't supposed to know what it means, its one of the unbroachable topics of their close yet purposely ambiguous relationship, but they both know each other far too well for that. i really enjoy how kaiba's perspective is written, with how he's most comfortable when he's logic-ing things out and surrounded by things he can easily categorize, but hes long given up on trying to categorize jounouchi, and its most evident when pushing himself into the unfamiliar territory of tactfully trying to comfort someone he cares about

Debt to Society by Elexcia (16k)

tech acquisitions lawyer seto kaiba is sentenced to 200 hours of community service after a barfight with rival lawyer & long-time nuisance ziegfried von schroder. to meet those hours, he's assigned to represent children in court as their legal advocate with social worker joey wheeler acting as his supervisor >:) (also featuring judge yugi & the doma arc kids!!) i think this setup is genius omg. with kaiba acting as a protector for underrepresented and vulnerable kids, of course his own personal (and messy) feelings are going to get involved whether he likes it or not!!! plus i love fics where jou and kaiba are colleagues working towards the same goal and moments where kaiba has to trust in and respect joey's skills. and i cant lie. seeing a worldly joey who's good with kids is an absolute treat

Lapse by AndroideQL (4.2k)

blossoming workplace romance!! jou is kaiba's assistant (yes, everyone is surprised about this outcome too) jou & kaiba are undoubtedly attracted to each other, but theres a couple of (important!!) things about it that theyre not entirely on the same page about. the banter and familiarity jou and kaiba have with each other in this fic is sooo charmingly affectionate, and there are several exchanges that make me laugh every single time. its a refreshing and cute fic that has me hopeful knowing that no matter what communication issues they get up to, they'll eventually get their shit straight

Small and Insignificant Things by Lafae (1.6k)

one more for the office romance train >:) joey, kaiba, and the conundrum of getting a good picture for your photo ID. short and sweet boyfriend shennanigans, i love how joey & kaiba play off of each other during these mundane moments between their hectic schedules and i feel like it perfectly captures the excitement of a fresh relationship and fondly discovering the more trivial details about your partner

Working My Way Back to You by SerenaJones (10k)

during an argument between jou and kaiba, jou angrily states that he wishes they never met. kaiba soon finds himself in a universe where they never did, and meets a rougher, more abrasive jounouchi who never quit his gang who just may be the key to his way back. the worldbuilding in this fic is super cool and extensively fleshed out! its so fascinating to experience how different the cast of yugioh and domino city itself would have become if canon had played out differently, and the interactions between kaiba and a jounouchi who isn't his jounouchi but is just charming is so much fun

Orpheus and Eurydice by saiikavon (3.4k)

post-dsod joey dies while chasing kaiba into the afterlife, and by the title, you can probably imagine what kaiba has to do to get him back. very fun kaiba characterization/study here, with how quick and confident he is to challenge death itself and rebuff anything that gets in his way. and! a bit of spoilers but i love when jou gets to be a little mean (lovingly!!!!) to kaiba hehehe

[system-of-a-feather]

Hi, my name's J. I'm me, and I experienced a lot of fusions to make me, there was around 12 at the largest. I often feel like an example of a late stage system approaching final fusion/whatever you call that. It makes me a bit dissociated to talk about myself as if I'm a subsystem, I don't like it. I spend a lot of time grounding. But I have parts and weird memory things and it's a whole deal. I'm not a normal singlet even though I go by one name.

Recently I've been wondering about like, is final fusion a "thing" or is it just a state of mind? Was there an event you did, or is it a constant experience?

Do you also fluctuate between feeling like one and feeling like alters/headmates again?

Does the prospect of going back scare you, and is it bad that it scares us? We really like how we are now, we don't want to separate. Sometimes we have to, usually due to some exterior event that favours us breaking up. It feels uncomfortable.

If you've got anything you've written about being fully fused or however you call it, please direct me to that. You don't see a lot of people like you out and about and I wish there was more because I'd have a lot of questions to ask.

Recently I've been wondering about like, is final fusion a "thing" or is it just a state of mind? Was there an event you did, or is it a constant experience?

..... yes? It's kind of hard to say personally for myself; I know for some people they experience it as a more concrete kind of event - or at least I've heard of that - but it also isn't necessarily this event in it's own. I think to a large degree, it depends a bit on how one experiences themself and their identity and their system / internal space that might change where each individual lands on the "more so a state of mind" vs "a concrete event"

I do think it wouldn't be accurate to call it a "state of mind" as its not something you can so specifically alter or simply "choose" if you genuinely are not integrated to the point that it's an option. At the same time, to kind of mark it - at least for us as a unique pinpointed event - would be also very difficult as we got to a very integrated level and the "changing point" was more so us just deciding to 1) be open to a new way of operating and 2) letting go of our attachment / accustomed nature of operating as multiple

I think the best answer is to say its both. Theres a point where integration is high enough that I feel there is a "threshold" (albeit a hard to identify and often hard to notice until you've passed it) that has to kind of be passed; but whether or not you are fused or not is largely a mental shift / state of mind / perspective. Thus I don't really feel there is much of a distinction between final fusion and functional multiplicity.

Do you also fluctuate between feeling like one and feeling like alters/headmates again?

Yeah for the most part. The extent and way I fluctuate ALSO changes, because sometimes its mild and I more so can feel for specific parts and feel / hear / talk with specific parts of myself; other times I actually dead ass just do operate as some of my most prominent / concretely developed parts. I actually kind of go in phases of whether I operate as a handful of parts or as a fused whole largely dependent on what my priorities in life are and what I'm trying to achieve.

When I'm working on trauma processing or exploring new things, I tend to operate better as multiple parts of a whole, but when I'm trying to either enjoy life, create stability, or build upon pre-existing skills, I find being a singular whole is more important. I've honestly been operating as a fused whole for almost 4 months straight now so, but I might go back when we start reprocessing in EMDR in a couple weeks so who knows.

Does the prospect of going back scare you, and is it bad that it scares us? We really like how we are now, we don't want to separate. Sometimes we have to, usually due to some exterior event that favours us breaking up. It feels uncomfortable.

Nah, we don't fear it. As mentioned above, we actually openly practice swapping between working as a whole and as multiple parts because its kind of a fun way of self expression, self exploration, and building a relationship with myself, whether that is literally just Myself or if it is with myselves.

And even if you mean in the way of "actually going back WITH dissociative amnesia and barriers".... eh, not really either. Firstly because I don't really... do anxiety anymore XD

I used that phrasing cause I found it funny, but what I mean is I don't really stress about things too far in the future anymore largely because I'm not really motivated to do so / interested in doing so and I am probably enabled that because I have a very strong sense of being able to handle whatever throws my way, blind sided or not, so I don't really.... worry about things these days honestly XD

That said, I don't think you are bad or wrong at all for being scared about it. If you are enjoying where you currently are and you worked to get where you are, its incredibly normal and understandable to fear falling back or loosing what you have worked hard to obtain. What you know is what you are familiar with and what is likely comfortable as a result. There is nothing bad about being scared, being scared is a normal and completely reasonable thing to do.

I think a level of comfort with it comes with just exploring and experiencing things and finding that things tend to work out one way or the other regardless and slowly building up that trust in yourself / your brain to do whats best with what it has and knows in the moment and that all takes a LOT of time. It's not something you can really rush for better or worse. The best advice / tip I could say for that is to just kind of try to keep an open mind and a small sense of curiosity if you can manifest that in yourself (I know it can be hard) cause it can help make it a little smoother to just kind of enjoy observing how things change over time cause it helps get a little comfortable with change.

If you've got anything you've written about being fully fused or however you call it, please direct me to that. You don't see a lot of people like you out and about and I wish there was more because I'd have a lot of questions to ask.

I just got off work, but I wanted to answer this cause it looked like a lot of fun and interesting questions; unfortunately that means my brain is not so much thinking about other things I might have posted. But you can try checking out the #full integration and #didrecovery tags in my blog to possibly find more things. You are also ALWAYS welcome to just send more questions here, I love yapping on this blog.

[dualitysdownfall]

medical oversharing in form of sentence fragments below cut

knees prone to hurting after i walk more than usual ("usual" in this case being a very low threshold) particularly in situations like school where im also carrying heavy stuff (not very specific i guess. began couple months ago, not immediately after start of semester which is interesting (what changed???) didnt do good job logging occurrences and circumstances.)

not normal right? what do about this. not bad enough to be debilitating but enough to notice -> enough to cause concern. can power through. semester just ended, no more school anyway. not expecting problem to occur during break. so like should i even worry about this rn?

why this happen though? would simply reducing weight load help? or just minimize walking altogether? not muscular pain. ...wait for problem to worsen? cant think of anything immediately implementable that would reliably assuage or prevent. at least not without knowing whats going on.

i know in my brain preventive care is just as important as addressing stuff thats already happening but. how. feels like making big deal out of something manageable. logically know any issue at all is deserving of attention and relief, indicator of Not Fully Able Bodied but not sure how to address while still certifiably Not That Bad, Actually /genuine (esp considering, like i said, probably not a concern now that semester is over) like idk what kinds of things would reduce/prevent on such small scale without feeling like overreacting. don't exactly want problem to get worse but if it did at least that would justify getting something for it

also not really sure of patterns, again, did bad job recording data. sometimes convinced "i did so much walking today, this is gonna hurt tomorrow" then it doesnt. not sure what exactly triggers it or when. i do know once when it happened, sitting down for an hour made it virtually go away, then i started kicking my legs as a stim and pain began to seep back. like "ooogh augh you're still making us move, why this".

idk theres probably more details but. brain gone

should have carefully logged everything pertinent, would make easier to detect patterns or lack thereof

sometimes pain when laying down going to sleep. very distracting. like what more do you want me to do im already laying down.

like pain in response to movement but on a delay.

at worst maybe a bit unsteady, not thrilled about getting up and moving but can.

[paint-lady]

To be honest, there's not ever gonna be a perfect fit- and I think that has to do with the fact that TSW has so much going on thematically that its hard to boil it down to a single genre.

I know you want the story feel to fit and less on mechanics, but i am a whore for when the mechanics play into the story and have these for you:

Butcher the Corpse of WoD and Exalted and fill it with Bees and a side of Cthulhu

I tried doing Exalted/WoD mod and it was super wordy but worked on paper. Renaming certain abilities and charms to be Bee specific was easy til I got to Weapon Trees and Virtues/Limit Break. I wanted there to be a crunch to the numbers that Exalted had- because theres nothing quite like having your character stare down the bad guy and shake 30 dice as you burn hard. But, there is a horror aspect that I find Solar Exalted chronicles dont tend to regularly get into- that Vampire and other WoD creatures do every session. So I blended em, in a horrid, liminal stew.

You'll notice that the attribute block looks identical to vtm v5. You'll notice that the skills tree is just in ABC order, nothing is broken up to be a specific class or "caste" or designated Physical, Social, or Mental.

Backgrounds were easy to make SWL specific: Allies, Artifact, Backing (from faction), Contacts, Familiar (bc all the pets), Followers (this was the hardest to make work and not have the factions come get you), Influence, Mentor, and Resources. I later wanted to add more supernatural backgrounds that could help the character be more ingrained in the Secret World, prior to getting their bee.

Where things start to break apart is the Virtues and Limit Break. I couldnt thematically choose if I wanted a Sanity Mechanic the characters wrestled with or a Reality breaking function.

The Sanity Mechanic was much more like Humanity in V5 or more obviously Sanity from Call of Cthulhu. If they lost too much sanity, they broke and were a shell of who they were. Which could be interesting to see- maybe they become a perfect soldier for Gaia and just slash and kill any threat to her system, their thoughts becoming one with the bees. Maybe they got corrupted by the filth! Maybe they saw the Dreamers and it undid the honeycomb machinations of their mind and reduced it to Dante's hot sauce. The Reality Break function was closer to a blend of a Limit Break, Masquerade keeping, and NPC sanity. It was supposed to make the players think twice about using their powers so openly- and really weigh the cost/benefit of ordinary people seeing them Glow Up. Heres the prose I had written: Gaia’s Chosen possess fortitude which allows them to face cosmic horrors with wills unbroken, but those who have not tasted the honey find their minds shattered when the curtain of their reality is torn. Keeping the secret world secret isn’t just to benefit the factions. Humans knowing what lies beyond the veil of reality is dangerous. Dark shadows fester in tattered minds. Whenever one of the Chosen exceeds the difficulty threshold of a check by 4 or more, increase the reality tracker by 1. Additionally, some charms and skills are obvious- the glow of Gaia’s light cannot be hidden. These charms and skills have the “obvious” keyword and automatically add a point of reality break whenever used. When the reality tracker reaches 5, any mortal witnesses suffer a derangement from the chart below, and the count is reset to 0. The reality tracker is also reset to 0 at the start of every new scene.  Of course there are other things that can break the human mind. Draugr, ghouls, and trolls hardly fit the image of the modern world. It is likely that any mortals witnessing one of Gaia’s Chosen in action has already suffered a derangement or two. Sometimes it’s worth breaking their minds to quickly put a lid on the spill- since you won’t be the only ones tearing reality.

Long story short, this can work. BUT. There is so much work to be done to MAKE it work. The nice thing about Exalted is that there probably ARE mechanics for dealing with creatures akin to the Dreamers SOMEWHERE in the myriad of source books across editions. Its just doing all the legwork of removing the "Creation" location specific lore and translating it to our world, which is where WoD has an advantage. Its nice that a lot of the writers have worked on both projects and hinted at their connections already.

Make your life Easier, Try Savage Worlds

IMO Savage worlds works because of versaility. Its conceptually like what if we boiled DnD down to the barest of bones and made it cross compatible with whatever setting the table wants to run. Savage Worlds is a generic rule system, but their Publisher has released "Savage Settings," which are modules specifically designed for Savage Worlds rules. Theres a Horror setting ready to go. Theres also one called East Texas university, with an accompanying module. Want a "stay alive" at Innsmouth Academy and dodge all the Homunculi and Ghosts run? It might be there.

Heres a little snip from Wikipedia on their mecahnics:

The five attributes used in Savage Worlds are agility (physical precision and speed), smarts (mental power), spirit (willpower), strength (physical power), and vigor (physical health). In addition to attributes, a character has the following derived statistics: pace (ground speed), parry (the ability to defend oneself in melee combat), toughness (resistance to damage), and charisma (presence and charm). Some setting supplements add a fifth derived statistic such as reason (problem solving), sanity (mental health), or grit (mental fortitude) to reflect the special needs of the game world.

I'm not saying you wont have to do any work for Savage Worlds to get the TSW story to work. BUT you will have to do considerably LESS work than butchering Exalted and WoD.

other than like the official dnd 5e thing (because no) what TTRPG would you use to run a "secret world"/"secret world: Legends" game, ate a bee, secret societies, magic, lotta monsters, the filth, and all

aiming to replicate more the story and feel than like the specific mechanics of gameplay

[ankerias]

genuinely think i am just too stupid to ever make good art

[themoneybuff-blog]

Questions About Car Seats, Leftovers, Medical Insurance, Budget Brands, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Early or late retirement contributions? 2. Purchases for infrequent use 3. Used car seats? 4. Excessive leftovers 5. Friends want me to spend 6. Value of one bag living 7. Buying a house on $35K 8. How to avoid drive-thrus 9. Medical insurance difficulties 10. Budget brands? 11. Starting career advice 12. Thoughts on taekwondo One of the most enjoyable parts of writing this mailbag column is the wide variety of comments and questions I get from readers. I usually try to keep the stuff I choose for the mailbag at least somewhat within the realm of personal finance, maybe slipping in one or two questions or comments a week that arent related to the topic, but I get quite a lot of great stuff from readers that covers completely different topics that I just cant reasonably fit into the mailbag. For example, just in the last week or two, Ive received the following notes from readers: A reader wrote in to talk about the joys of playing Magic: the Gathering with her son and how they were building Commander decks together. A reader wrote in to encourage me to pick up some of the writings of the philosopher Byung-Chul Han, particularly his essays Psychopolitics and The Scent of Time (which Im currently reading). A reader has been trying to get me to debate him concerning a number of hot button political issues. A reader has been writing to me consistently for weeks asking for step-by-step help in getting a batch of homemade kombucha to work. A reader invited me to his dynasty fantasy football league. Thats just over the last several days. Honestly, I love this kind of thing, because it represents human connection. Theres a sharing of ideas and interests and a sharing of concern behind all of it that goes way past merely writing about financial issues, and it means a lot to me, even if its not fodder for the mailbag. Speaking of the mailbag, here are this weeks questions. Q1: Early or late retirement contributions? Is it better to contribute to a Roth IRA early in the year or as late as possible? I have money set aside for my 2019 Roth contribution but I dont know if I should do it now or wait. Brian Unless theres some specific reason thats unique to your situation that points to waiting, you should put those savings in there as soon as possible. The longer the money is invested, the more time you have for compound interest to work in your favor. Having said that, investment markets are unpredictable. Theres always a chance that right after you put your money in, the markets dip. Remember that this could happen no matter when you put your money in there. You could put your money in now and immediately see a dip, or you could wait until next February to put it in and immediately see a dip. The difference is that, on average, its much more likely that the investment youre putting your money into will go up in value over that period. If you wait, its very likely that youre going to miss out on growth. Put your retirement money away in retirement accounts as soon as you can. Dont sit around holding them, because youre usually doing nothing more than missing out on growth if you do that. Q2: Purchases for infrequent use Im considering purchasing a pair of bowling shoes. I only bowl once or twice a year, but it seems like its a wise investment since I could get a pair of perfectly good bowling shoes for around $25 instead of paying $3 or so each time to rent them. How do you view rarely used purchases like this that, while adding to the stuff you own, will eventually pay for themselves? Adam My philosophy on purchases like these is similar to yours. I try to look at the total cost of ownership of the item over an extended but still reasonable period of time, like five years, and I figure out which is going to cost less. I also consider how frequently Ill actually use the item, and it basically has to be annually at the very least and preferably much more frequent than that. That type of thinking requires full honesty to be valuable. So, in your situation, is it cheaper to rent shoes for $3 a pop twice a year for five years or buy a pair of shoes for $25 once? Well, the cost for rental over that period is $30, so Id probably swing toward buying a pair, assuming that Im bowling twice a year. If you assume that its actually going to be much less than twice a year, youre going to be better off renting. I usually use a five year measure for calculations like this, because I figure its pretty hard to predict accurately what my life will be like beyond that time threshold and its also probably a reasonable guess as to the wear and tear that an item can take. Usually, with a five year calculation, its obvious whether its a good move or not. Again, in this situation, those bowling shoes arent going to be worn out after ten wears, so its likely you will be able to continue wearing them at that point or theyll have some minor secondhand value. This pushes the pendulum even more toward buying them. Q3: Used car seats? I am expecting in November. My husband and I are starting to pick up baby items from FB Marketplace and Craigslist. Whenever a carseat is listed on Marketplace someone always comments that you shouldnt buy used carseats because theyre not safe. How are used carseats not safe? Amy A carseat is one of the few baby options I wouldnt buy used. The reason is simple: a big part of whats protecting that baby when theyre in the carseat is plastic, and you dont know how that plastic has been treated. Theres some chance that the plastic has become brittle and could easily crack or break in a severe impact, just when you need it the most. This can happen, for example, if a carseat has been left in the sun too much over the course of years. Its not an issue of negligence its an issue of you not knowing the history of that carseat. It may have had years of sunlight exposure, rendering the protection that it offers your child much weaker. Most baby items are fine to buy used clothes and baby monitors and things like that. Those arent things that will cause calamity if they fail and its usually obvious if theyre doing their job or not. A car seat, though, is something you should invest in. 99.9% of the time, it wont matter, but 0.1% of the time, it matters more than anything else and youll never, ever want to skimp on that situation. Q4: Excessive leftovers On any given night we will have 2-7 people at our house for dinner. By default we cook for 7 but that means that many nights we have a ton of leftovers. We eat leftovers for lunch every day but they still get tossed a lot. We cant give them to the food pantry either. Ideas? Andy My first suggestion would be to simply have a leftover buffet night for dinner twice a week or so. On, say, Wednesdays and Saturdays, just pull out all leftovers, put them on the table, and let people assemble their own plates of leftovers and heat them up (or heat up the hot items before putting them on the buffet). That way, the leftovers get consumed directly and you have a free dinner. Another suggestion is to frequently make meals and side dishes that are easy to remix into another meal if you have a low turnout. For example, if you make a bunch of spaghetti, you can save it for two nights and then mix in a few additional spices, put it in a greased 9 by 13 pan, put a couple cups of mozzarella and provolone shredded cheese on top, and bake it for 30-45 minutes, covered for the first half, to make a nice spaghetti bake. We also often have plain vegetables as a side dish and save the leftovers to make quick soups later on, for example. A final suggestion is that on nights where you have a low turnout, simply prep leftover plates for the next night and have the same thing for dinner again, or prepare a different dinner the next night for just the two who ate the night before. I dont think you need to feel obligated to have a fresh meal on the table for whoever happens to show up each night. Q5: Friends want me to spend Im 23 and got a nice job out of college paying $45K per year. Several of my friends from college are in the same area and have jobs as well so its fun to hang out with them, but it feels like they want to blow their income as fast as possible. They go out drinking and to clubs constantly, upgrade their phones all the time, ride around in Ubers when they have cars, and throw money at stupid stuff. I want to get rid of my student loan debt and start saving for a house and Im already contributing to retirement so I can get out of this as young as possible. Its not like Im avoiding fun but theres a ton of stuff to do that doesnt cost $50 or $100 for an evening. When I suggest anything else other than clubs or an expensive restaurant, I get ignored. Do you have any suggestions? Amy Find new friends? I mean, that sounds fairly cold, but it sounds like your values are diverging from the values that your friends hold, or perhaps they were always divergent and the income just exposed it. While I dont mind being acquaintances with people with drastically different lifestyles than my own, I have found its far more pleasant and easier to have close friends who have similar values and lifestyles to my own. That way, Im not pushed to overspend constantly just to spend time with my friends. I have been in situations where it felt like I had to pay some kind of admission fee (in the form of going out when I didnt want to) just to hang out with a friend and if I wasnt willing to do that, that person wouldnt hang out with me. That just isnt worth it. Id suggest digging into activities that you feel internally interested in doing. Find groups in your community that match up well with that by using things like Meetup and there youll find people who are also interested in what you happen to be internally interested in. Get involved in those groups. Youll find its not too hard to build friendships that way. Q6: Value of one bag living I found your post on one bag living to be interesting but not practical. Its not like more than maybe 0.001% of your readers will actually ever do it. What is the practical value of such an article? Ollie The practical value of it is that it really shows you how few items you actually need to have a happy and comfortable life, and when you realize that, you begin to realize how much extra unnecessary stuff you have and how much that stuff is costing you, both in terms of the stuff itself and the space youre paying for to store all of that stuff. Lets say, for example, that you decided to try it for a month. You packed a big duffel bag full of stuff and aimed to live solely out of that bag for that month. During the month, almost everything you use comes out of that bag other than maybe a few kitchen items, you really dont use anything else in your home. At the end of the month, youre left asking yourself what the point of all of that other stuff is. Why have any of it if youre able to have a great life without touching it? Why have shelves full of books and DVDs you never touch? Why have a television if you have a good life not watching it? This is likely to lead you to start downsizing your possessions, recouping some money along the way, and its also likely to lead you to question almost all of your physical purchases. If you keep going in that direction, youll find that you likely have excessive living space and can easily be satisfied with a smaller home or apartment, and if you downsize that, then youre on the way to some serious financial improvement in your life, as youre losing far less money to utilities, insurance, property taxes, and so on. Q7: Buying a house on $35K I am a single woman with a four year old child from a previous marriage; the father is not involved and avoids paying child support. We live in a small apartment in [a large city with a moderate cost of living]. I make $35K per year. My mom lives about five miles away and takes care of my son when Im working and hes not in preschool as she has a pension thats enough for her to live on because my father died in the workplace. I would like to be able to afford a small house for us and get out of this apartment building before hes too old because theres kind of a rough culture of teenage boys here. I would like to be in a house in four years. I have no debts and am saving about $200 a month for emergencies. Carrie First of all, Id contact a lawyer and do what you can to get child support. The cost of supporting your child should not be borne solely by you and hes legally obligated to provide financial help here even if hes uninvolved. Second of all, $200 a month in savings thats also used as an emergency fund isnt adequate to get to where you want to go in four years. I looked into your area and a small starter home is going to run you in the $300K range now and will probably be closer to $350K by the time you want to buy. 20% of $350K is $70K. If youre saving $200 a month, youll get to about $10K in four years if there are no emergencies. To get to $70K in four years, you need to be saving around $1,500 a month and have no emergencies that tap that money. Considering that youre making about $3,000 a month before taxes, thats an extremely difficult proposition. Thus, to make it to your target, youre going to have to do some radical things. The first thing I would do is sit down with your mother and discuss the option of cohabitation for a few years, with you splitting up the housing costs. If she could move into your apartment or you two could move into her dwelling and its a tenable situation for a few years, youll both save a mint. If youre paying $1,000 a month in rent and it suddenly drops to $500 a month, theres $500 a month toward savings, and probably more than that because youll have lower utility bills and you can more easily share food costs. You may find that after you buy that starter home, it may make sense to have your mother continue to live with you to keep costs manageable going forward, at least for a while. If you can swing something like that, use a lot of smart frugal tactics like sticking with store brand items when shopping, get on that child support issue, and keep working at your career to move toward a better salary, you can make this work. Without those kinds of big changes, this probably isnt a realistic goal. Q8: How to avoid drive-thrus How do you stop relying on the convenience of drive-thrus? I understand that its way cheaper to make meals at home but when I can just go to a drive-thru and get a quick meal and have it eaten before I even get home or eat it right when I walk in the door and theres no cleanup because I just toss the wrappers, its hard to convince myself to make a big mess making a meal at home. Leon There are a few good strategies for solving this problem that work well for different people. I suggest trying one for at least 30 days, see if it clicks with you or merely causes frustration, and either stick with it if it works or move on to another if it doesnt. First, try simply packing a meal for yourself at home before you leave in a small cooler. Make something simple that you like a sandwich and some baby carrots and a drink or whatever. Pack the individual items in reusable containers and put them in something insulated with an ice pack to keep it cool. Take that meal with you when you go out and save it at your desk or in a work fridge until youre ready to leave, then eat that on the way home. You can do the meal prep the night before while watching a television show and if you use reusable containers, cleanup is really just a matter of popping stuff in the dishwasher and wiping off the table (which youd need to do anyway). If you want, you can designate Fridays as eat out days and keep it as a treat for yourself for getting through the week. Another thing I strongly suggest is to simply get better at cooking at home. Cooking seems very difficult at first and even easy things like scrambled eggs feel like a giant mess and a big time and energy investment, but once you get more practiced, it stops feeling so challenging. Start by making really simple meals that you like grilled cheese sandwiches or scrambled eggs or spaghetti. Another strategy is to cook things in advance, make individual meals out of them in reusable containers, and keep them in the fridge. For example, you could make a huge batch of spaghetti one night and pack three or four individual meals of spaghetti with a breadstick in resealable containers in the fridge. Then, you can take them to work with you and youll also know that one is just waiting for you when you get home. Yet another strategy is to use a slow cooker. Start a simple dump meal before you leave (a dump meal means you just dump several ingredients in there and turn it on low) and youll have a hot home-cooked meal waiting for you when you get home. Slow cookers are great for stews, chili, soups, and simple casseroles; it can also make a mean pot roast. The goal of all of these things is to either put something in your hands directly so that youre not tempted to stop or have something at home waiting for you so youre not tempted to stop. Q9: Medical insurance difficulties I am covered by [a major medical insurer] through my workplace. A few months ago, I had a procedure done that my doctors office informed me would be fully covered by my insurance. They filed this with the insurance and the insurance company came back saying that the procedure wasnt medically necessary and wouldnt cover it, so my doctor is now billing me for it at the tune of $30K. I dont even know where to start. Should I contact a lawyer? Petra Without seeing the bills and documentation, I cant give you full advice on what to do. However, my first step would be to document every single detail that you can recall about this entire process, including dates and what you were told by both your doctors office and insurance. If you have any supporting documents, such as receipts and printed information about the procedure or about the costs, thats all valuable here. Then, I would go through the process of appealing this claim with your insurer, providing a copy of all of that documentation. An appeal should definitely be your first action. If you find that your appeal is denied, you should then discuss the matter with your doctor and attempt to get their bill reduced. If youre still finding that youre paying an excessive amount, then I would take all of this documentation to a lawyer and get legal help. It very much sounds like you were given inaccurate guidance from a doctors office and a lawyer can usually help here. Q10: Budget brands? Are there any budget brands you trust for making high quality stuff? Meaning brands that are cheap in price but the quality of their stuff is good? Darren The store brands at most department stores and grocery store chains fit that bill. For the vast majority of product types, the store brand is as good as most of the name brand options. They might not beat some of the really high end premium versions of those products, but the store brand is usually as good as 80% of similar items on the shelf. For things like charging cables and basic electronics like computer mice or keyboards, Ive found that Amazons generic brand, Amazon Basics, is really good for the price. For many different kinds of smaller electronic items, like external batteries for charging devices on the go or headphones or things of that nature, I strongly trust Anker. If theres an Anker option for a small electronic device, youre probably getting great bang for the buck with it. Those are the ones that immediately come to mind as brands that I strongly trust that consistently provide good bang for the buck across a wide variety of products. Q11: Starting career advice My oldest son is about to graduate from college with a degree in electrical engineering. I am collecting career advice from some people I respect to pass along to him. What advice would you give to a fresh college graduate in a technical field today? Robert First of all, treat the first decade of your career as an opportunity to build skills and relationships above chasing salary. A killer resume ten years from now will be worth a lot more than earning an extra $5K or $10K right out of the gate. If one job pays a little more but feels like a dead end, while the other job pays a little less but feels like its overflowing with opportunities and ways to build relationships, take the latter job in the first decade of your career. Second, if your workplace offers a 401(k) plan, take advantage of it immediately and contribute as much as you can stand. You will never regret this. Just do this and then start off with smaller take-home checks theyll still be a lot more than what you had in college. Pay yourself first. Third, no matter how tough a situation is, dont burn bridges, even if it would feel good. If youre moving on from a position, do it as gently as possible and be as positive and flexible as you can on your way out. Finally, eat healthy, get some exercise, get plenty of sleep, and dont work too many hours. If you dont do those things, youll be far less productive during your work time, the quality of work you produce will be lower, and youll have a harder time picking up new skills. If your workplace is obsessed with 80 hour workweeks, carve out as much of that 80 hours toward self care and rest that you can reasonably get away with. Q12: Thoughts on taekwondo I was wondering if you could share your thoughts on taekwondo from the perspective of both a parent of a student and as a participant with an eye toward cost. Is it worth it? Do your kids get value out of it? How about yourself? Brenda I attend a local taekwondo school with the rest of my family. It was an activity that my two oldest children wanted to try and the family plan isnt much more expensive than just the two of them participating, so when our family schedule lined up and our youngest was old enough, we all joined. In effect, our third family member was half price and the rest of us are effectively going for free, and the price has actually gone down as some family members have reached black belt rank (and those who havent are at a belt rank approaching black). First of all, if youre new to martial arts of any kind, its something you should shop around for. Any city of any size likely has a few martial arts schools; a larger city likely has some dedicated taekwondo schools with branches in various locations. Different schools offer different prices and different philosophies. Taekwondo is a martial art thats focused on fast, high kicking. That means that it really works hard on agility and balance. Theres also an emphasis on forms, which are sequences of kicks and other movements that are memorized and done from memory, which challenges a persons memory while physically exerting themselves. Our familys interest in martial arts lies much more in the realm of self improvement, character building, self defense, and fitness rather than training to fight. There are definitely martial arts schools that are very focused on simply training to fight, preparing people for things like mixed martial arts. Theres nothing wrong with that, but its not what Sarah or I were looking for in a school. We wanted a school where the merit wasnt in whether you defeat someone in a fight, but whether youre working hard and genuinely improving yourself so that youre better at the techniques, better in all around fitness, and better in character than you were the day before. Again, I have nothing against a school focused on fight-focused training, but its just not what Im looking for or what I would direct my children toward until theyre old enough to make those kinds of choices for themselves. Perhaps someday theyll take what theyve learned and move in that direction, and Im fine with that. When my oldest son and daughter began expressing a genuine interest in taekwondo, we shopped around for local schools that offered dedicated youth programs and were focused on a self-improvement type of martial art philosophy, and we found one that we liked that had classes near us, and over time, we all joined up. I think it has genuinely helped our children improve their ability to focus, their ability to overcome challenges, their character, and most definitely their ability to defend themselves and get out of a threatening situation. As a parent, Im thrilled with the impact taekwondo has had on them. As for myself, I joined because I agree in a deep philosophical way with the goals and direction of the school, as well as the fact that I was looking for a fitness program for myself and an opportunity to mutually encourage my family to be more fit. This hits all of those marks and with family rates, its pretty inexpensive. If you divide our session fees by five, theres absolutely no way any of us could be in a sport or a fitness program at these rates. If someone is interested in taekwondo or martial arts in general, Id start by figuring out why you want to do it. What are you hoping to get out of it, or what do you want your child to get out of it? Self-discipline? Fitness? Self-defense? Character? What are the one or two things you want most for yourself or for your child that you hope martial arts can provide? Start from there and shop around at a lot of schools in your area. Theyll all have different philosophies and centers of focus some of them will line up well with your own goals and philosophies, while others will go in a different direction (not wrong or bad, just different). Find some that match what you want, price compare them, and give one a try for a session and see if its right for you. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-car-seats-leftovers-medical-insurance-budget-brands-and-more/

[withloveandredlipstick]

15 Under $50 - Fall Haul

It doesn’t feel like fall yet. 

But it’s coming, I promise. I’ve already lit the pumpkin candles and bought the candy corn (don’t judge my love for candy corn). I’ve pulled my sweaters out of storage and come to the annual realization that I need more. Over these past few year, I’ve felt that Fall has been so short, but so sweet. I try to soak up as much of the season before the bitter cold of Winter comes far too soon. So I’m filling my shopping carts with my new Fall Essentials before the temperature even dropped below 70. Let’s get into it. 

1. Chunky Cable Knit Cardigan by DREAMERS BY DEBUT at Nordstrom- $49 with Free Shipping

Fall means layering and neutral layers are the key to putting the comfiest and most stylish outfits together. This chunky sweater is available in all sizes and another trendy fall color, mustard. 

2. Felt Beret by Urban Outfitters - on sale for $15 

So I’m currently in the process of making my Fall/Winter travel plans and I’m buying a beret. In a vague attempt to not jinx where I might be headed for my 22nd birthday, I have been wanting a beret for a while I think that they are the cutest accessory to wear wherever you may end up this Fall fingers crossed I’m under a very specific Parisian Tower

3. 'purity made simple' one-step facial cleanser by philosophy at Nordstrom- $20.40 15% off

I’m going to admit it, I never really had acne. So I’ve lived my life pretty clueless when it came to skincare. I have normal skin, that rarely breaks out, but to keep my skin hydrated and healthy I have used purity face wash since I got the travel size as a free gift from Sephora. It smells amazing and is a 3-in-1 cleanser, so it a huge time saver. It’s an investment, but worth it in a way I can’t describe. 

4. Gale Jacket by O’neill at Nordstrom - $35.70 at 40%

This year’s Fall color palette is to absolute die for. I have worked very hard to build a wardrobe and aesthetic and I have never branched out, but these wine colors make me feel so undeniably fall, y’know? Light jacket weather holds so much potential for Fall activities and this jacket is perfect for the apple picking/pumpkin carving/scarecrow building/pie making... I’m getting carried away. This jacket just makes me excited. 

5. Faux Fur Throw Blankets by Threshold at Target - on sale for $24.49

Home decor on a budget is hard. I fall in love with so many seasonal pieces in department stores and can't justify buying all of them if they are just going to be obsolete in a few months. This faux fur throw from target will definitely add a cozy cabin feel to any home or apartment and it can transition from Fall to Winter. It’s also available in grey and white that can be used year round! 

6. Caramel Apple Halloween Kit from Target - $4.99

Speaking of Fall activities, what a fun way to getting ready for Fall then spending the day trying out new recipes that you can share with your family and friends. This kit at Target has everything you need for a day spent making fall themed caramel apples. Definitely Pinterest worthy, Instagramable moments to be made. 

7. 35O Nature Glow Eyeshadow Palette by Morphe at Ulta - $23.00

The ultimate fall palette. Seriously, 35 fall shades with a mixture of shimmer and matte textures that can be used for so many different looks. I am a huge Morphe eyeshadow fan and think that the shades are super blendable and pigmented. I have also used this palette throughout the year for everyday and glam looks. If you order this palette now, you can also get a free deluxe sized Nars Climax mascara. 

8. Double Duty Beauty The Lip Sculptor Double Ended Lipstick & Gloss from Tarte at Ulta -  $24.00

Of course there is a lipstick fall essential. This Tarte Lip Sculptor is half lipgloss and half lipstick bullet with super hydrating coconut oil. It’s super long wearing and available in neutral and fun shades. How great is it that you can have one go to lip product for 3 different lip looks?

9. Jeffree Grey Plaid Ruffle Mini Skirt from Lulu’s  - $34

Plaid is always on trend throughout fall. This grey mini skirt with the ruffle detail is the perfect combination of girly and chic. Like I said, while we might all be feeling fall, the Mother Nature isn’t exactly following through. This lightweight skirt is the perfect way to feel like fall, but not overheat in the “fall” heat. 

10. Joelle Camel Suade Loafer Slides from Lulu’s -  $25

You’ve got plans this fall! You only have a few short months of that crisp, yet refreshing fall weather to pack your entire fall bucket list into. Slide right into the biggest Fall footwear trend and get to your nearest Farmer’s Market. These slides are available in three different colors, but sizes are running out so just click the link now before you regret it and have to waste time lacing up your booties. 

11. Our Wonderful 1 1/4” Sideways Initial Necklaces in Gold from Zoky Doky - 50% off $24.00

I love these necklaces. I think they look so minimalistic and chic. I was the biggest monogram advocate, but I think I’m just a personalization advocate. Almost every letter looks adorable sideways (Sorry W, X, and L). These are available from different retailers, but I’ve found this site to be great and theres a 15% off code if you sign up from their newsletter. 

12. Pumpkin Pecan Waffles Single Wick Candle from Bath and Body Works -  $8.00 (!!!!)

Are we kidding? $8.00 for the best scented Fall candles. I honestly don’t even feel like I should have to type out why I put this on the list. Fall candles are everything. Pumpkin scented candles are everything. Bath and Body Works is   e v e r y t h i n g. That is all. 

13. Rfid Power Bank Zip Around Wallet by BOC by Born  from TJ. Maxx - $12.99

TJ Maxx has online shopping. This is a fact I found out pretty recently and I am the opposite of mad about it. I love the treasure hunt that is Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Home Goods. It’s the thrill of the good deal and now I can do that through my laptop. The important thing about this Fall Essential is that it charges your phone. Apple orchards don’t have outlets. Football stadiums don’t have outlets. But your clutch will. I think the color combination is perfect for fall and you’ll be able to capture every autumn memory without missing a thing because of low battery. 

14. Cuffed Crop Skinny Jeans by 1822 Denim from Nordstrom - $42.00 with Free Shipping 

Everyone needs good Fall denim. Can’t you just see yourself in these... and the chunky sweater and the loafers... see what I did there? There are certain fall wardrobe staples that I buy more of every year because I know that they will get such good use for the whole season. These are so comfortable and fit true to size. 

15. Wilson Square Frame Sunglasses from Top Shop - $20.00

I don’t spend money on sunglasses. I don’t ask for sunglasses as gifts. I lose, break, step on, sit on, throw out all sunglasses. There is absolute no point in me having expensive shades. These tortoise shells will get me through the few and far between sunny days of fall and won’t cause me to have buyers remorse when they end up on the bottom of my bag or the backseat of my car. 

Feel free to leave a comment below which trends your loving this fall and which fall essentials you picked up for the best season of the year. 

Always,