#but i feel embarassed about anything now so it doesnt matter

[bugdogg]

my second blog is also a diary now, sorry if u follow for just nsfw and have to see me admitting to some weird shit

thank you for staying tho

[syllikins]

You can't convince me that Sylus doesnt know anything.

He knows how he looks. How he says certain words. How he manipulates any situation to sound disgustingly nasty with and without context.

Sunscreen? Ear cleaning? Alright bud.

Day to day life with Sylus would be him making regular things oddly sensual for the hell of it because he likes seeing you embarassed. Before and after the 2 of you start dating he was already making you all tingly by helping you fold clothing or something. Just reminding you he is a man and he knows the 2 of you have some serious unspoken chemistry and sexual tension no matter how you try to shake it off.

"Its hot, help me unbutton my shirt."

He just wants to show off.

Help him apply some lotion?

He just wants your hands running all over his slutty waist.

You're onto him. And he pretends to be so innocent.

"But i just wanted your help" he practically pouts in his voice as he feigns ignorance.

Yeah whatever Sylus.

You love it though. You get to grab and feel a man like that? Where is the dotted line?

Help him fix his tie? This is just a little turn on for him.

Now he doesn't think it goes well with his outfit so he needs you to take it off.

You look so cute when you're frustrated.

Now he can gently caress your face as he whispers in your ear about how cute you look with your little attitude as you practically tear the tie off him and tell him to quit pestering you. But no need for you to be upset right? The tie has other uses.

He has to punish you for snapping at him about how difficult he was being earlier. But he really needed your help though?

Now you can't stop cumming from his fingers.

"Sylus- wait...i'm sorry.." you whine

You're terribly overstimulated.

"Hmm?" Like he didn't understand what you just said.

Aw too bad.

Your hands are bound by that acursed tie.

© syllikins 2024

[whole-circus]

Can you do when the Proxies, Eyeless Jack, and Slenderman, find out the reader has a extra appendage like a tail? Although the reader doesn't hide it they just use it like a belt but rarely use it?? (How has your day been? Also please make sure to not stress yourself)

Creepypastas with reader that has a tail!

➥ with "Ticci" Toby, Masky, Hoodie, Eyeless Jack, Slenderman

Hi love!!! Thank you and remember to take care about yourself too!!<3 Im going a bit insane in my room lol But I hope you felt at least okay!

˚　　✦　　　. ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚. 　　　✦　　˚

"Ticci" Toby

Toby finds you so cool! He wouldnt really notice at first that its actual tail, but how long he can stay clueless? When he finally gets it, he is so excited i swear. You almost make him wish that he had tail instead, but he cant complain since his partner have it! Toby will beg you to touch it and play with it, he is way happier about the tail than you (and you literally live with this things.. with tail, not toby). Loves to lay down with you and cuddle, your tail wrapped around his hand/ leg/just anything. Loves playing with it when he needs to keep his hands busy. Toby would be also respectful if you dont like having your tail touched becasue i can only imagine how sensitive it is, just say the word and he will act like it doesnt even exist congrats, now he will play with your hand!

Masky

Honestly wouldnt make a big deal out of it? Masky is a simple man, and i feel like he wouldnt even noticed at first if you wear it as belt, would just think that you have weird fashion sense but who he is to judge?? But then it turns out that its actual tail? You are person of many suprises, arent you? Listen, he would definitely calls you some of this cheesy petnames like kitten or puppy just becasue of your tail 💀..like please, punch him or something. Overall good boyfriend, will fight for you and stroke your tail??

Hoodie

Good luck with him! Hoodie wants to touch it a lot! Its not like there are a lot of chances in life to pet someone tail, huh? Who can blame him in such cruel condictions..? Even if you use it as a belt, he loves when you just..let it swing by itself! That way he has easier acces to it, and i mean it - boy is in heaven. He would definitely tease you so so much! Hoodie will anno and you can expect at least couple of funny comments about your tail daily (or at least he thinks they are funny). I see him wearing a fake tail just to mess with you to be honest. Hoodie isnt the worst person, you will definitely get a lot of attention from him! Is it good or bad? I will let you decide!

Eyeless Jack

Okay, Jack really enjoyes having "not-so-normal" partner (well, in term of being a human). He tends to be a bit insecure sometimes about what he is, so you make it all a bit easier to him to be honest. Doesnt feel as weird - and of course he doesnt want you to feel this way! He is pretty observant (and well, have amazing senses), so propably noticed it when you used it as a belt, no need to tell him twice! Absolutely loves to make you flustreted!! Will tease the shit out of you, i mean it. Definitely will like to caress it and play with it (pls he is a bit like a cat), later will chuckle in his husky tone when you are embarassed and tell him to stop

Slenderman

Slenderman wont say too much..well not like he is the most talkactive person! He is fascinated by people, loves observing them and to learn about their nature..does it really matter for what reasons? We will just move on with that.. Anyways, if you ask me, Slender as not-human-creature likes seeing how everyone is diffrent event tho he had seen already a lot! There is really tiny wall between his hate and fascination for humans. But dont worry, its you who we talk about! He will ask some questions, but in his subtle and gentlemanly way! It doesnt matter to him if you are a bit diffrent, becasue he sees it more as your advantage than disadvantage! Slenderman would be more into intelect than look anyway i think. Wont touch your tail tho..well maybe not without your consent, but he just doesnt really care, he has seen almost everything in his 'life'.

˚　　✦　　　. ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚. 　　　✦　　˚　

[adaelines]

uhhhh uh uh i see your "vash and ww furiously masturbating" and raise you "accidentally walking in on whiny boy vash fucking into a pillow while he moans your name"

EDEN THIS ISNT OK WHAT THE FUCKKK i fucking love just.. whiny vash vs cocky wolfwood :((

vash just. lost in the moment and loud as fuck. you hear him the moment you walk into where youre staying and its almost embarassing. hes trying to muffle himself in your pillow, but that just means he can smell you more and it feels like you're all around him. the pillow between his legs isnt enough and he cant help but sneak a hand down to gently push into the space where his cock slipped out of, so messy and loud and even if you didn't hear him, the pillow covered in his slick and cum would easily give him away. hes so embarassed when you walk in, trying to cover himself but any stimulation against his cock is almost too much, and he cant help but flush even more and let out a quiet whimper as you approach. just replace his fingers with yours, push him down onto the bed and tell him what a dirty boy he is for making a mess of the bed like this, how he has to take responsibility now, and he better pray everyone else doesn't arrive soon because you aren't stopping until hes begging you to

and then nicholas d fucking wolfwood who won't stop, won't even slow down after you walk in. just squeezes his balls and gives you an almost sleazy grin, leaning back on the bed. hes panting, shirt open and pants barely shoved down enough to show his cock, as if he didn't have the patience to take everything off, was so desperate to touch himself to you that he just. yanked it down and that was enough. doesnt matter if you did something as simple as reach above your head and your shirt rose slightly, that slither of skin is enough to have him fisting his cock until hes raw, wishing it was your mouth, your hand, your anything instead. if youre embarassed at walking in on him, even flushed slightly, hes gonna teasingly coo at you about how dirty you are. you havent walked out yet, havent turned and left, aren't you just a dirty thing? if youre gonna sit there and watch, then watch closely and touch yourself too, and if you stop for even a second he won't let you cum. won't let you even think about touching his cock. only good little pets deserve that, can't you prove you'll be good for him? prove just how desperate and needy you are, prove that you crave him as much as he craves you

[triplegoths]

untagged

i cant fucking take living like this anymore

i cant do it i have to end it soon theres literally nothing for me here anymore. its too much to do. im never gonna fucking have another close in real life relationship.

i want to just like order some food at work so im not more miserable being here but i dont have the strength or stomach to eat something. ill eventually try maybe. i dont know. the drugs make me not eat like a fucking sick dog already and everything rn just says i dont deserve it

i have no motive or energy to do anything but work or somethimes playing a game but even that were usually unable bc were too tired.

whats the fucking issue with me!!!! i just dont give a shit anymore i dont want to do anything nothing makes me happy everythinf eventually juat makes me feel scared and sick and weird. every time i try to make fun or have plans it goes horrible and it just feels worse so i wont anymore ill just fucking rot alone like life wants me to

nobody here can help me and if i could i couldnt afford it so who fucking cares its cheaper to kill myself and lose the body so they dont need funeral costs. theyd misgender and shave me anyway probably

im just so fucking over it all im never gonna be happy like this. i got nothing. theres no good its just working til i fucking kill myself and putting myself through fuxking agony constantly for a life that continues to just KICK AND KICK AND KICK AND KICK me when im fucking down. i cant handle anything else happening. im trying so hard to get things done and theres just fuxking nothing. i will never ever be enough and ill never feel enough.

doesnt matter what or when or the circumstance its so depressing that its not just romantic relations too im so fuckinf scared in groups i automatically feel unwelcome and hated and like i should just go off by myself because im literally so unlikeable and everything has proved it forever. like genuinely as soon as i realized there were more than 2 people i got terrified and started questioning everythinf i did and wanted to run away bc i felt like i wasnt meant to be there and it was ovipus and i was being annoying like fucking ALWAYS GOD IM SO SICK OF BEING LIKE THIS can i just shut up forever? dirk please come back to front im tired of annoying all the people who so graciously allow me to exist around them so i dont have to be in such crushing loneliness all the time i feel like such a fucking baby and everybody probably thinks im such an annoying drug addict too can i just quit it and fucking feel and then kill myself already when i realize its worse

like im never gonna be able to afford any of the shit i need to heal and i dont even wanna try bc ill get 3 appointments in and will run out of money and continue doing that and then ill die bc i cant afford anything else. like why would i do that to myself ill just suffer like this and just do my best forever til i can only rot. id rather get it fuckinf over with and just die now. this isnt a life

i go frm one box go another. rotting. i rot at home alone or i go to work alone. i dont really go out. i dont really talk to anybody. i dont really see anybody. i have 1 irl friend who talks to me and lives in town. the other i dont see her often and honestly feel so embarassed of myself around her because of how i am that i can barely convince myself to see her sometimes even if she is in town. the other person is one of my exs and he doesnt give a shit about me he just wants sex bc thats the only thing im good for. i feel like i just annoy and make everybody uncomfortable conwtantly i dont wanna do it anymore i want to shut up

i always do it i always just talk endlessly frm the second i fucking could before most kids could talk even and i just never shut up did i? my parents were always annoyed by me talking about things that brought me joy (and they never believed me for things that were upsettinf and it was just fake and i needed to be quiet about it bc theyre not taking me to the doctor. so i stopped talking about it to my family and everybody else in my life in that era did the same. the bullies. my friends who ignored me. no matter the form it was always like that i just need to learn to keep quiet and go away and not need anything ever again. i couldnt fucking learn it every time i got a red or yellow card for talking (usually trying to ask questions bc i didnt understand or couldnt see or couldnt hear in elementary school. or to make conversation bc i was friendly and had no friends and my parent didnt play with me so i was lonely. nobody ever liked me bc i was weird. i feel like such a bitter dickhead but i get so jealous when i see that people talk to others every day. especially in person. im so fucking alone i literally get so excited when people want to call with me even if it makes me really scared (and sometimes if im not comfortable enough or feeling sad i will run a away from that too because im so scared to fuckinf annoy people and say something stupid or be boring or trying too hard or just fucking being a total downer because theres nothing good ever going on for me. i got so depressed goin on bsky today and seeing everyone playing webfishing when i cant. but even so lik.e maybe im glad i djdnt join bc one of them was in a big group with new mut and then all strangers so like. its better i wasnt able to bc i would probably jusg feel worse and run away frm everyone bc i feel inadequate snd guilty for taking up space. i always feel like im bothering everyone no matter what. fuck my exhusband in general but he also made me so much more insecure than i was already. he made me feel so annoying and he broke my communication. i was alone with him and JUST him for so long. i could only communicate in nonsense phrases sometimes (literal jibberish not memes) because thats all he would respond to or wouldnt talk to me until i did. he changed my whole pattern of speech and i still almost lapse into it sometimes. it was never any kind of real conversation about anything i felt like it withered my brain. nothing ever in depth just stupid sensless bullshit and jokes (that were often insulting me and made me feel like shit) and i was doing it for fucking nothing because everything else sucked too!!!! the only time there was ever a conversation was when i was BEGGING HIM to stop sometbing or do something for the millionth time. or him defending himself or trying to force my support and trigger my ocd (i genuinely think he was trying to make it worse he never respected it ever he mever respected a single part of me) or him fighting with me on something again (usually the thing was due to him and i just was not being forgiving and quiet and turning off my emotions enough about it. learned numb happiness)

my existence is like a plague and theres nothing here for me. theres even less left of me after he got done with me. he stripped my personality all the way down and forcef me to mirror him. everythinf will always be rotted and ill feel like a horrid shell of a person any time im near anyone. the only option is being alone. maybe this time i will learn and just fuxking stop all of this so we can stop being a curse on everybody. even if i could afford mental help theres nobody that can help me here so its all a waste. i feel like everybody will just hurt me again. doesnt even have to be a partner i feel like every single person is gnna realize sooner or later that im not worth it or they dont like me (ir even hate me) and that im just too fucking annoying to be around

i dont want to be annoying anymore. i wish it was like right after he went to prison again when i didnt have anything and was an empty shell and had nothing to say or talk about that wasnt venting. i wish i never got back some of my "sparkle" or whatever the fuck people call it. mines not a sparkle. its a noxious cloud of toxic annoyance fumes and everybody just has to keep their masks up til i vacate the area. why would i ever fucking want this to come back. i need to shut the fuck up i really do. just take our personality and every crumb of joy again im so sick of it. make it so i dont have any of those thoughts to even post. thus sparing everyone from having to be like "UGH this motherfucker AGAIN. does he ever shut the fuck up? is he ever quiet? can he just log off already? this guy definitely has no life. why does he always have to butt into everything"

that way i can just post like. the shortest most boring updates ever like "back to work! only 3 days this week for the 39 hours. more time off is always good" and then shut up for days and then "got paid nice. going to the bank and then grabbing a few groceries" like thats do much better. nobody needs to fucking know man its sad and depressing and all the same OR you are the most obnoxious prick on any site youre ever and you ruin everybodys day when theyre forced to see you in their notifs or on their timeline

ive probably already muted me bc it didnt even take a week for me to just talk way too muxh when none of of it is important and nobody wants to hear it

even if im not allowed to talk frm my body. its already annoying enough in text and then psyically i just stutter and trip over myself or cant think or forget what i was saying

i wanna delete everything i have and crawl into the earth. i hate being alive. the one time i find something that makes me happy even the littlest bit i cant do it anymore. disallowed by the universe and painfully reminded of the fact im supposed to alone and theres actually nothing for me. it doesnt get better for me it only gets worse. and it makes me feel stupid for believing it could even though thats few and far between. theres nothing left for me i need to just get whatever drugs i decide on and have one last hoorah and take enough to kill me. which hopefully wont even be that hard because im mixing downers and uppers constantly so like its only a matter of time right. my nose hurts and i feel like crying and my body is killing me again so im taking both things again. one for pain. one for maybe like. a little bit of energy but mainly so i dont feel so absolute shit. i just want it all to stop i dont wanna get better anymore im sick of it every time i try i get fucking worse or am crushed by something else even harder than before im DONE WITH IT IM FUCKING OVER IT i just wanna end it theres nothing fucking here for me im never making it. im sick of trying. im sick of always helping even while going through the wordt shit imaginable. im not sick of it. i want to help and i love helping. but it makes me fucking SICK to think about how ive spent my whole life caring for others. have been let down or ignored or told i was lying or had them hurt me instead so many times over i just fucking wish i was important enough to have gotten help when i needed it. to be listened to enough for somebody to even acknowledge or believe there is an issue (or simply convince me im overreacting)

it was fucking stupid of me to think my last ditch effort of doing art school because every other thing i failed miserably at because im too stupid and cant do enough and dont have the support. it doesnt even fucking matter bc my body is slowly and slowly getting closer to just saying "no fuck you" to the art i NEVER HAD TIME TO MAKE TO MY FULL ABILITY IN THE FIRST PLACE. and then ill never be able to do it ever again because i cant get help

i am going to die knowing i never finished a single thing in my life and nobody will ever know what i was capable of.

i want to die in the most painful and uncomfortable way possible because its what i deserve. its the only thing i truly deserve. i need to endanger myself more than i already do obviously its not killing me fast enough if im still kicking and dragging myself across the pavement. i should be dragged along the pavement by a semitruck instead.

i wanna kill myself so bad tonight man. im gonna try not to bc my friend really needs me rn. but i really might relapse. im so fucking tired i want to just go and sleep but ill stay up just for that. i should just cut a vein already why do i care about beinf careful. there was a thing i wanted to do... cut myself with a razor right after i use it to chop **** because maybe itll make me feel good when im not or just fuck my heart enough to make me faint or do smth stupider

ive been writing this for so long im fucking done. i got 2.5 more hours here. i hope i find my mouse when i go home so i change my mind but i honestly really just want to end it right now. im at the end of the line really. im gonna work til i die and never get a break

"everyday it feels like noone sees and noone knows. every day i kinda wanna cancel the show." /lyr

please for the love of god like this if you read all of it i just spilled my whole guts and not even well

[anime-severler]

Marie antoinette hs part 6 no one asked for

-she is lazy and she knows it but she tries to change the way she lived. She thinks now as a vampire she has second chance but old habits die hard

-because of her lazyness she sometimes just lays on bed all day(boys doesnt know what she is doing all day inside of her room and shy to ask but not Arthur)

-"You were in your room all day mademoiselle, is something wrong?" Arthur asks

"İts something private dont ask a lady about private things" marie got frustrated she cannot others know she just felt lazy

-now boys think when she is inside of her room its a lady's private matter and rude to ask only mozart, sebastian and comte knows she is just laying on bed all day

-mozart knows how lazy his childhood friend is so he just laughs and doesnt speak about it

-but one day sebastian accidentally walks into her room thinking its empty and sees marie just laying. They both embarassed. "Sebastian do you feel sometimes you dont want to do anything but just lay? Please dont tell anyone i am lazy person" marie sighed. "I feel like that sometimes too mademoiselle but i am butler of this mansion sadly i cant do that" sebastian tries to hide his laugh. "Don't tell anyone okay Seb?" "As you wish mademoiselle"

Thats how sebastian found out

-when comte is free and has nothing to do he doesnt let marie to get lazy like that.

"I would really like to have some sweets and tea but sadly i have no companion" comte makes a fake sigh

Marie gets out from the room

"Well i can be your companion" Marie rushes. How she can refuse sweets and tea

- mozart asks her about hobbies or job because he knows she cant just always lay around and do nothing

"Well i was a tailor for both women and men but now i have no inspiration and no model" marie thinks about her old job when she was in villa

"Well cant you find models? I am not best fit but how about other residents?" Mozart asks

"A model...other residents...thanks for idea Wolfie!" Marie gets excited. "It needs to be someone who is handsome and create a new beauty standarts to fashion world!" Marie looks around

"Well I know someone" Arthur smiles listening them whole time

"Yeah I know someone too" Marie smiles

"Yeah you have perfect eye for models because i am-" before Arthur finishes his sentence. Marie holds Theo's hand

"Monsieur Theodorus can you be my model?" Marie asks she excited about creating new male fashion to society

Theo blushes

"I mean i can try" theo doesnt want to say no because Arthur looks disappointed and Marie is good friend with Vincent and has no bad intensions

-after that instead of getting lazy around marie becomes busy

[artfilmfan]

I don't think i've ever despised US politics more (i've always been critical of the foreign policy under basically any US president during my lifetime - even under Obama it was disastrous, but this has gone now beyond all acceptable limits), BOTH parties. The DNC is the display of everything that is wrong with the US political system (basically two right wing parties that follow AIPAC guidelines, one of them pretending to be left while it hasnt been for ages, a few issues alone and waving lgbt and minority flags doesnt make you progressive if you allow genocide to happen to people that look different than you or follow a different religion) and just how incredibly one sided they are about the whole thing. Hosting exclusively hostages from one side while forgetting there are many more Palestinians hostages in prisons (or torture camps as even the more decent Israeli journalists call them) without any evidence, children included. Palestinians don't even exist for them, their suffering doesnt exist and they are not allowed on that DNC stage to even say how THEY feel about it all, or their POV. They are still giving a blank check to Netanyahu (who is a wanted war criminal by international law and with all the ICJ rulings) to do whatever he wants including sending more military aid while Palestinian children and other civilians are literally being blown apart, after destroying basically everything in Gaza and killing more than 10 percent of the entire Palestinian population (those numbers could be even much higher after all is examined). Anything that happens on US election day is totally on them. Anything that happens out of disgust of enabling all this is totally on them.

At this point i dont think i have anything else to say on this matter, my words wont change anything, even far more important people cant do anything about it as it seems, i'm done talking about it. We will however never forget or forgive this and we will act on it as much as we can. Boycotts (the financial consequences of them are already working worldwide and its only the beginning), disrupting events of any kind that feature the enablers, letting anyone involved in this know how an entire generation of people feels about it all will be the least we can do. The young and future voters (that they are alienating more and more, that's why they fear tiktok so much) will one day be the decisive factor and they too will not forget what they did when it mattered. Sooner or later there will be a boomerang effect. And then maybe there will be some kind of justice, although far too late for the present generation of Palestinians going thru the worst anyone could ever imagine. Almost one year of all this and the powers that be still pretend its nothing. The world really failed you Palestine and i'm truly sorry and embarassed i'm part of this world that let it happen and go on for this long. The protests and the epic scale of them is the only good thing that happened because of it. I hope they continue on many levels until there is true justice for Palestinians.

[silviakundera]

Empresses in the Palace ep 13

I really like bestie Meizhuang's practicality and no-nonsense style. Too bad she's definitely gonna die (since her name isn't Zhen Huan). Honestly, she and ZH should be the perfect team: ZH is the right amount of paranoid and distrusting, bestie is more pessimistic and calculating. But I think the flaw is, they're too permissive of each other. I mean, they give advice but aren't adamant and demanding about it. If you're really gonna say you're sisters, BE BOSSY ABOUT IT. smh

Tapping in Ling Rong was smart. I never agreed with them not keeping her close.

Poor Fourth Prince. It's both a terrible idea to get associated with a kid the emperor hates... and I wish Zhen Huan could afford to openly care about him. Seems like a good kid.

ZH loosening up when she thinks no one is watching and being playful with her maid is THE SADDEST THING because you are struck that this is the real her. And she has to hide this person at all times and walk a tightrope in the proper concubine act. Even with Meizhuang she is all politeness, isn't so free & easy.

Meet cute with the real Prince Guo. Except this is a horror story, so no such thing. "You must not tell this to anyone. Otherwise, I'll have no burial ground for my body."

I love the old consort. She just straight up leaves the party all, 'I've seen enough drama in my day. Too tired for all this bullshit.'

If she can see it clearly, why can't the emperor? tbh I think he can too. It just doesnt threaten or affect him so he doesn't care.

Hell workplace dinner where everyone is drinking bored, so they've ganged on someone for entertainment. Everyone is salivating at the spectacle of the protagonist embarassing themselves. So of COURSE protagonist will shock everyone with their Secret Special Skills™. It's a very cliche trope but I think most viewers would have to admit that WE LOVE IT. We all eat this shit up with a spoon.

Ep 14

IM SCREAMING. Hua Fei, I pledge fealty. Marry me. "Consort Fleur, what is the matter with you?" Wavering, coughing, making indigestion faces: "I have no greviance over anything. I lost my composure because I was overcome with emotions watching Lady Sourire's performance." The emperor keeps being like, oh REALLY babe but you're basic. When did you start liking poetry? and babygirl puts her whole pussy into it. 👏👏 Girlboss gaslight gatekeep.

ZH really out here eager to co-parent with Meizhuang and ready to rush back from kissing the emperor's ass. I know she legit was into him (why??) at the start but I feel like reality has set in and she's just playing the part now. She's drawing her and Meizhuang's names together with a heart in her Lisa Frank notebook and planning how to spend their golden years together after they pop out a couple kids.

Hua Fei, the light of my life, breaks down the politics of it all. She's very savvy and will be a near impossible opponent to defeat - unless, of course, you have the protagonist halo. or if bro starts losing battles.

Empress pops in to remind us that being the CFO also sucks. Endless, tireless smiling and benevolence. You can't even throw a coquettish tantrum or two for the luz.

The ghost of the empresses's sister that the emperor loved most lingers yet again. Did the empress kill her sister? The thunder & lightening say yes.

The mess with Ling Rong's dad and the pull of Hua Fei's brother great examples of how the harem struggles aren't really about 'a bunch of sad women fighting over a man'. Being in the harem is entering a circle of power and influence. Yes, the concubines aren't supposed to 'discuss state affairs' but that's a rule made to be circumvented. Pleasing the emperor can make him reward your noble family and factions of the harem are connections within powerful noble families. Because Ling Rong is there, even though the emperor doesn't remember her name she has strings to pull. Whether it works out this time for her, it's a recourse she wouldn't have otherwise. And Meizhuang is able to go straight to the emperor's residence and get an update on the situation and counsel from the head eunuch. They have influence and control beyond what other citizens have.

[of course, we can't forget the prize for this hunger games is the biggest of them all -- NO, not some royal dick, but having your kid be the next emperor. Putting your family in the history books forever as part of the dynasty. Potentially changing history.]

[that's why I don't mentally categorise Story of Yanxi Palace as a harem drama. That's the setting, true, but Yingluo enters of her own will and it's due to her revenge quest. She isn't advocating for or protecting her clan and has zero intent to climb the ladder, but is acting in revenge of her sister, then her sworn sister empress, then her bestie. Then she inadvertently falls in love with her frenemy emperor (of all things!) and wants to accompany him, despite her terror of childbirth. She has no interest in the throne for herself, her clan, or her kids. She's playing the game all the wrong way, because she's not playing it at all - her goals aren't aligned to anyone else's. That is the delight of Yanxi Palace; she's dropped into everyone else's harem drama with a metaphorical sword on her back, the unpredictable engine of chaos in this carefully choreographed dance of waxing and waning power & influence.]

Empress really shows off her skills in this episode. No one actually knows how hard she tried for Ling Rong's dad but she has the position to get away with advocating, without losing much. And she gets their gratitude and steers them towards fighting my gf Hua Fei in her stead. Empress was the biggest winner in this incident.

ZH on her way there, as she expertly manipulates the emperor by commenting on state affairs without actually directly discussing them. She's smart to be hiding the depth of her education and only bringing it out when necessary.

Damn she's really playing the "you're my ✨husband✨" card for all it's worth. And we can see that, for now, it's worth a lot.

The maid making the play for the emperor's interest with the lotus blossoms is the Soon to be Evil half-sister, right?

[homosexualmorelikehomiesexual]

ok so...we all saw the flurry of Bandom Racism discussion happening. and i have...thoughts.

i know this is late, in theory because i wanted to get my thoughts together, but honestly mainly because i didnt know what to say, so part of me was annoyed that i felt obligated to say anything at all. bc im not nearly as active in bandom as my blog probably makes it look, i didnt learn 90% of the Lore until september and all of that i learned from mcrblr. im new! i dont know about any of this! much less about the racism. so...why am i expected to talk about it? what is there for me to say?

...and over the past few days, its slowly sunk in for me that thats exactly the point.

of COURSE i dont see the racism in the fandom, or know what to say about it. because either none of the other white liberal fans in my circle do, or we just... dont talk about it. and i think when we do know, we dont talk about it, because we feel like its not our place. we dont know what to say, and especially if we feel like we had any hand in it, we're... embarassed? i know i am. and like...i hesitate to list examples, because i dont want to come across as self flagellating. one, because its got to be annoying for people of color, and two, because...i dunno. i dont want to make other white people think thats whats required, to be anti racist? because i think thats one of the assumptions we're laboring under, like...we've created this environment of really aggressive Discourse, so when it comes to racism, and unpacking our own...we talk in really vague terms, we never get past the "UwU!!! Dont Be Racist!!!!" PSAs because naming our own transgressions means admitting to wrongdoing, which is embarassing at the best of times, but in the very spaces we've created, generally being found out as Doing Something Wrong means getting jumped on by other white people for the purpose of their own moral preening so no one will suspect them of the same. so...why willingly subject yourself to that? especially if whatever you have to say, whatever it is in your behaviour you want to discuss, may be triggering to people of color. simply not mentioning it feels like the better - and safer - option.

but...thats what leads to us not knowing enough about all this to feel confident talking about it in the first place.

i dunno. last week, im one of the people who looked right at that piece of art with franks rising sun tattoo, and went... "huh. hey, theres that tattoo he got covered up because it was offensive. i should look into that. ...anyway, cool art!" and hit reblog.

and like...once people started talking about it, (theres one specific post, forget who its by, someone talking about mcrs history with anti asian racism, great post thank you for making it) i felt...bad? but i also felt kinda defensive. in thinking back on it, i was like..."well, im glad to know that now. but dude im not familiar with his tattoos. i kind of assumed what i was looking at was the covered up version where its sort of peeking through. idk it was a watercolor it was kinda garbled. i wont blame myself for not thinking any harder than that."

and then i was like... okay but. if im honest with myself, thats still bad. because it doesnt matter, since i probably wouldve reblogged it anyway, just assuming it was for the sake of photo accuracy or what have you...because i still didnt fucking know or care what the rising sun flag was.

which was the whole point.

because if i HAD. if i HAD done my research when id first heard about it, months ago, i would have recognized that art for what it was and treated it with the wide berth it deserved and avoided it regardless of my knowledge of his stupid fucking tattoo. but i didnt, for a host of reasons. mainly executive dysfunction, general stress in my personal life (nunya bidness) and...if im being honest? i just didnt want to, because...i hate self teaching. i have adhd. i was homeschooled, it was really traumatic, i flunked all of highschool and had to get a GED. my reading comprehension and attention span are piss poor. so i didn't feel like looking into it. i didnt feel like giving myself a whole impromptu history lesson. i opened one wiki page and instantly got overwhelmed.

but thats also the point. because all those reasons for not doing my due diligence and reading up on why asian fans are so pressed about the rising sun tattoo? or why black fans want nothing to do with 21p? the same shit probably applies to them! they don't feel like doing it either, we just give them no choice until eventually they make giant ass posts, comprehensive, easy to digest, step by step posts, for the express purpose of doing what we all refuse to do.

and, again, theres that feeling of guilt. guilt and shame, because im admitting to this, and because i know how reading this is gonna make other white fans feel, because i just went through the exact same set of feelings, and its uncomfortable as hell. so i can only imagine how fans of color have felt.

im not making this to browbeat white fans, or to self flagellate to fans of color. this isnt a soap box or a confession booth. im just.. talking. so lets talk. im gonna be honest, i still havent done real research into the rising sun flag. im literally just now looking at the wikipedia page for imperial japan, which i just now opened, and i still feel just as overwhelmed. (does anyone have good material on learning about this? if i find any, ill post it in reblogs.)

but...yeah. this isnt an UwU!!! Dont Be Racist!!!! PSA. this is uhhhh...We're All A Little Racist, Lets Talk About It So We Wont Be. an open letter, i guess. cause we're doing and saying racist shit, intentionally or unintentionally, whether we realize it or admit it or not, and i think the majority of you who have read this far are, like me, mainly doing so through inaction. and i think the more we ignore that, the worse this feeling will get. so...lets stop ignoring it. i know we all just did exactly that, i saw it happen, i was part of it, i get the reasons why. but its delaying the inevitable, and more importantly, we're hurting other people because of it. so...lets just get it over with, it cant be any more embarassing than burying our heads in the sand.

[lolotheparagon]

What is your favorite scene that you have written for Parfait so far?

I haven't written anything on paper (cos i dont know which writing format would be appropriate for it, i know, its embarassing) but I have a scene of how Florabelle and Parfait became girlfriends

One day, before Tombsteel and the Ironites came to Prettiopia, Florabelle invited Parfait to visit a field covered in roses. When Parfait asked why, Flora reveals she planted this entire field just for her and gives Parfait one of the roses to keep. Overcome with emotion, Parfait broke down crying. She tearily replied how she cant accept this because she doesnt deserve such a gift and that she feels she's a barely qualified princess. Florabelle had noticed her best friend's self deprecation but she never got the full story of why shes like this. So Flora presses her for answers on why she feels so negatively about herself all the time, Parfait confessed that ever since her mother died, she always felt like a burden. Here's some of the dialogue:

Parfait stared at Flora's saddened expression and stood there in fear and unease. She mustered up enough courage to tell her friend why she couldnt accept this lovely gift:

Papa wants me to be like mom. She was graceful, demure, delicate, a storybook queen. But no matter how hard I try, I can't be like her. So I try to be myself, but even thats not good enough. said Parfait, struggling to hide the tears in her eyes.

Why cant you tell your dad to stop pressuring you to be a certain way. Florabelle replied, increasingly worried for her best friend's uneased state.

He's probably just preparing me for the job. Dad just wants whats best for me. He said it himself, he thinks i have potential to be queen someday. But until then, I have to make him proud. I have to... I owe it to him. said Parfait.

Do you really? Florabelle questioned.

I want to...He's the only family i have. A-aand he's sick... Parfait answered, slightly quivering in fear and voice cracking under the pressure of the words she just spoke.

Yeah... its a difficult situation. But still you shouldnt put so much pressure on yourself.

Flo, I have to prove I can be a competent leader in my dad's absence. I cant just dance around, hang out with friends and party... Which means I have to put my own feelings aside. My own happiness. Everyone loves me and thinks im the best... But I'm not... i'm so used to giving and being kind to others. Parfait remarked.

But what about being kind to yourself. Flora noted back

Cos its selfish. said Parfait.

No. There's a difference. Florabelle curtly replied, her paws on Parfait's shoulders.

Not to me, there isnt. Flo, you put so much effort, love and care into all this but its not my birthday, Papa's birthday or the Prettiopia's founder's anniversary. This flower, this field... I cant have this. Parfait replied with dread and guilt.

Why? We're best friends, we can give gifts to each other anytime

Exactly! Because its from you, its special. Its meaningful. You know how much I love roses and you planted a whole field of them! If it was Rags giving me a spinning top or something, thats one thing. But youve made me something special. So special that I cant have it. said Parfait.

Why? replied Florabelle

Cos I can't, okay? said Parfait.

WHY?? said Florabelle, raising her voice slightly.

BECAUSE IM NOT WORTHY OF THIS!!" Parfait yells, tears streaming down her face.

All I'm worthy for is for throwing parties, making people laugh, hosting ceremonies and festivals, BIG events. All my life, Dad never thought i would amount to anything but now that im being regent in his place, it's my chance to finally prove I can be the heir he's always dreamed of and...the daughter he wants to love... Parfait confessed, now turning away to stop Flora seeing her in this embarrassing state.

Fayfay... Florabelle whispered sympathetically.

So, please, Flo. I cant accept this... please dont hate me... said Parfait, tears clouding her vision, as she gives back the rose. After a moment of silence with Parfait's barely audible sobbing, Flora grabs Parfait's paw and puts the rose back. Parfait looks up, confused and afraid, Flora rushes in to give her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Flo? Parfait questioned, confused.

I love you. replied Florabelle

Oh. Oh sprinkles... y-you do?? said Parfait, now blushing like an apple. She never realised her best friend had feelings for her. In hindsight, she shouldve seen that coming.

Heehee, for a while. answered Florabelle.

Oh, i feel stupid now. Why didnt I see the signs? said Parfait.

Fay, even future queens cant read minds. replied Florabelle

The girls laugh.

Listen I dont know whats going on inside your head or what your dad's like, but I want to be there for you. Florabelle declared, holding Parfait's paws.

Flo... Me too. said Parfait, before she knew it, a warm relaxed smile stretched across her face, causing Flora to smile back.

What are ya smiling for? said Parfait.

This is the first time I ever see you smile like that. Whenever you're on stage or hosting a party, you smile all the time. But this one you got on? I want to see that smile more often, if thats okay with you. said Florabelle.

Fine with me, girlfriend. Parfait replied, beaming with joy.

Florabelle and Parfait both clip on roses on their dresses, symbolising their love for each other and hold hands as they walk and laugh into the horizon.

-----------

So yeah thats what ive got so far. its a work in progress but I thought it was a lovely scene showing how Flora, despite not knowing the full story of Parfait's situation, shes still willing to love and support her and Parfait reciprocates, finally happy to be with someone who loves her unconditionally. Any changes I need to make, please let me know.

[lilmisslostinfiction]

Dear Taylor swift,

my friend Ishani always says that letters are always the best to express how you feel, i never tried writting one though i am not good at expressing, i think. since i have gotten introduced to english music, i have been in love with your songs. i never knew who you were i just knew that their was some singer named taylor swift and she sang the best songs , i never knew anything about the drama going on in your life. because here in my home we listened to music we had very little access to internet and i didn't search you up until 7th grade after reputation when my junior from school asked me about all the easter eggs from look what you made me do , and i was like i pretended to know them while i had no clue [yeah i regret lying but i was embarassed okay] so i went home looked you up, and i was done for, like the music video the all the other era's and the whole vibe of you , it was like my calling like i was born to be a swiftie and it was my purpose.

to you i may be someone in a world but to me you are my world, my personality my words my wisdom my knowledge my craziness my happiness and everything has become related to you. you have become the sun i revolve around and i live in a swift universe. i have always been a out of the box person because i was excluded from everything everyone did , i was the shy one , the one who doesnt talk the one whose too awkward and no one heard me while i spoke , no one cared enough to make me laugh , no one cared enough about me to give me time enough to feel comfortable with them to share my trauma and sadness somehow everyone expected me to hear them but never be heard, but when you sing songs that break my heart and hurt me in the best way, and make me feel heard , i feel like i am home.

i have hated this world , hated my life and tried ending it a couple times but then i didnt do it i held onto you and to whatever purpose life has in store for me but i stayed here and i celebrate my 1 and half year of life that i chose to live, this is the 1 year 7 month of my life that i chose to live , and hearing you sing you're on your own kid today and feeling lost but somehow found , i feel really great that it doesn't matter if the world knows me , i know this world and thats okay , thats fine , i know you .

i know this world and its bad and its good, and you are the best thing it currently has ,for me atleast. and i am hoping that i get to see you someday performing live and scream my lungs out in a stadium full of swifties because i gave myself one more chance at a life , i want it to be worth it. and you make it worth it.

i dont know whats the purpose of this letter , i simply kept on typing and let the words flow and they did , i wrote everything i felt and now its a mess of different stories , but each one of them had you.

i think you are a very big part of my life and maybe that's why. am writting this because i feel comfortable enough to feel happy about you and with you , i cry to you and your songs and i never cry so maybe i think you have seen the worst parts of me and i think you deserve the best one's too.

with love,

MJ

[sereniv]

All this, but for me its not about not feeling relief or pride over finishing a task, its that i cant USE that relief or pride

i know ill feel better if i clean my room, itll feel nice, itll feel more open, there will be many benifits including A (type of) sense of accomplishment.

And though i know this and i can almost taste it, its like my body and mind dont know what to do with that information

I see it, i want it, but how do i get it?

And I say 'a type of sense of accomplishment' because I will feel relief that my room is clean, but my brain doesnt connect it to MY reward system

Soni feel relief and pride to a sense but its detatched from me. The pride is in the moment, stand alone, disconnected, as if ive forgotten what lead up to this pride

Same with relief, so in the end my brain sees the tasks i need to do, sees the relief, wants it, but doesnt know how to get it

and eventually, when i do get it, my brain forgets how we even got here

so in the future its the same game. theres no improvement. Just walking on clothes, feeling stressed about it, knowing that it would feel good to have it all clean and craving that feeling, yet not able to do anything about it. And thats all if i can get my brain to focus on that specific thing.

My brain can feel so jumbled up that its like shutting a monitor off. im awake, but literally nothing going on in my brain. at that point i have to just move on. Im staring at my messy room, and cant even understand how i can form a thought of what i want.

Like im actively forgetting what im looking at, and cant even be aware that im forgetting what im looking at. kind of like zoning out

though its not all hopeless, for me i like to talk to myself as a seperate person. out loud. (whenever im able to have A Thought) it feels embarassing but, actually talk as if im talking to someone else, and respond after legitimately thinking. Not only that, but talk to myself like im a scared, stressed child.

And this all banks on my taking advantage of anytime my mind actually has the thought "ugh my room is so dirty" i have to be expecting that, i have to constantly be waiting for that thought so i can catch it and stop myself physically in my tracks. Say out loud what i said, repeat it until i understand exactly what im saying.

Then i can start asking myself questions, out loud, actually thinking about what im saying. like a real conversation.

example:

"Your room is messy"

"yes"

"why dont we clean it?"

"i cant"

"Why? what are you feeling?

"scared"

"You are scared, are you overwhelmed?"

"Yes"

"Why dont we pick up 1 item. Look around the room and take your time and find one item no matter how small. How about that wrapper?"

"I cant move"

"Move your fingers. Now move your toes. Now your arms. Remember, its okay if we put this off until later"

"I pick up the wrapper"

"Yes pick up the wrapper and put it in the trash. the trash is right next to the bathroom. Turn your head and you will see. Maybe count how many steps it takes. You will need to bend your knees first, and move your legs to walk to the trash"

---

This can help a lot, with being able to not only be kind to yourself, letting yourself feel safe enough to express your concerns or what youre feeling, but also help paint a picture of what you have to do, actualizing it in your head

I had months of not cleaning my room, i did this and ended up cleaning and rearanging it in a few days to the point there was literally nothing left to do

all because i was kind, i listened, i understood, and i also told myself that its okay for my room to be messy. that happens. and one more day or one more week isnt going to be any worse than where i was a month ago.

And sometimes it goes like

"I have to do the dishes..... the dishes. the dishes. go to the kitchen. food. kitchen where food is made. im in the kitchen. dishes. the dishes in the sink. only plates. one plate."

its like trying to push two of the same magnet together.

Also listening to music and smoking weed helps a lot but not always

adhd is so embarrassing ur basically like “I have to have fun right the fuck now or I’m throwing myself off the roof” 90% of the time and you also have very little control over this

[justalilpearlie]

hi guys dont mind me being insane again

im not tagging this too much cus its more of a personal ramble cus idk im feelin silly today and the BPD hits too hard. i wont be explainin what BPD is either so if u dont know either look it up or ignore this post,,

man i. have you ever loved someone so much you cry? /pos

like man i. its not romantic, may i clarify. most of my fps, except for my main one, are platonic. one of them is familial even

but i just. i feel like such a parasocial freako but i genuinly feel so intensely. its so positive too. if you ignore the crippling paranoia i always have abt my fps hating me or me being so intense they get uncomfortable...

but i just??? im not. normal about them.

i dont wanna sound creepy but they make my world so much better. id take a bullet from them. if give anything for them to be alright. i genuinly just REALLY enjoy their company and knowing theyre having fun with me aswell. knowing they enjoy me as a person. that im not a nuisance for the people i love the most.

and gosh i really hope they dont see this. i would feel so ashamed and embarassed if they did.

luckly i have better ways of copying with distress, attachment issues, jealousy, possesiveness, and all that other FUN (not) stuff that comes with BPD or rather specifically having an fp. A nice trustworthy psychologist (if u can afford it) does wonders to you, let me tell you.

its still hard sometimes but ive learnt to deal with it in ways that arent destructive to my relationships with those around me. i can cool down and such instead of lashing out or splitting for the most minimal things.

but now. for whatever reason. i went on a huge "positive" ramble instead. it was meant to be appreciation at the time, and still is, but i feel like its something that couldve scared them off. i showed some stuff to irl friends and online family, and everyone said theyd feel very appreciated if someone told them that stuff, but i cant help but feel is because they're my loved ones also and stuff. i really. really feel like i was too intense. i suck at showing affection in a normal way, a calm way, subtle way, like a normal person.

at this point i think. sigh i think its better if i just say nice things anonymously. i think if people, in general, not only my fps. but if people dont know affection comes from me they'll take it so much better than if they know its *me* in particular. and idk why! its just my brain being stupid again.

brains love doing that, dont they? being stupid. telling you everyone hates you oh so much no matter what you do. that theyre lying behind your back, and hate you in secret, theyre just being polite and allat.

well let me tell you, dear reader, whoever the fuck might read this, specially if its from the bpd tags: thats not true. sure, there might be assholes out there, but those people you think hate you despite how close you are, most likely dont. and i cant even get this through my own head but my sister repeats it to me all the time. "[name] talks so nicely about you and seems so happy seeing you". even then its hard to believe, i gotta stare at nice screenshots ive saved where i believe ive done something good, something worthy of appreciation, something that has not only meaning but an impact, a possitive one. and i know the chances of them actually hating me are low, but i still believe more in those chances than the proof.

i feel a bit delusional in a way. and i mean, i am, often times. but this is one of those thoughts- those god dammed thoughts where you're self aware yet- yet it doesnt shake the feeling away, you know? like no there is no proof, no logical proof at least, only what your mind twists into proof. but you still just "know it", yknow? even if you dont actually know shit and are very wrong. you feel like you do and it- it fucking sucks.

dont even get me started on splits and mood swings, highs and lows. Cause well. THATS NOT THE TOPIC OF THIS POST !! Lmao. i could go on for hours complaining tho. ough.

but yeah!! i just !! sorry, this took a turn. i just. needed to express myself idfk. i'll go back to posting abt minecraft men kissing soon or whatever, sorry normie followers /hj

i love them so much its overwhelming, yet i wouldnt change it for everything in the world, you know? not them. its hard but id rather endure it for them than have them not be THIS level of special to me anymore.

i really REALLY hope theyre not. uncomfortable by it tho. and wont dump me for it. i really wish i had a guide to how to and how to not mess up. so i could avoid doing dumb shit on accident.

and its funny cause theyre ppl that would absolutely tell me if im doing shit that bothers them, yet i believe theres smth else, stupid thoughts man. LEAVE ME ALONE FREDDY MERCURY!! UR SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD !! /ref

sighhhh anyhow yeah im dropping it here. bpd is a bitch. and to anyone out there dealing w it? godspeed. you can do this, i know life already sucks and this shitty dissorder doesnt help, but i know you can push through, mi gente bella.

Pearlo out. BPD hours rlly seem to be hitting at around 11-12 am, huh? /ij

[megismorallysunny]

25/09/23

i might upload 2 today bc i have a lot, not from today just in general, so much so that i wrote it down. i had science first, turns out the school wanted every teacher for their first class to show their classes the new one way system because they felt it was clogged up. its really fucking stupid and we were supposed to follow it as soon as we left first class.. spoiler alert no one did, absolutely no one, i didnt see any teachers not following but no students are. I feel like using that system its only a matter of time before a 1st year gets hit by a car, your supposed to go outside to get to some classes that would have only been a few metres away now, and the way you go sometimes has cars on it, i seen one going pretty fast just a minute after class started.

i had irish after science and turns out that irish hw i was doing wasnt even the hw, and i had already done the hw a week ago, omg i just cant but it was a-ok. after that was maths, everyone was in for once so there wasnt enough seats for everyone, hopefully 4k4 and his other friend 5k5 dont steal my seat, i worked my ass off for that. a student who came 2 weeks ago, nickname -bluebird, is just annoying, its not that shes done anything wrong its that shes a complete loner, wont talk to anyone, not like ive tried but more in the sense, you wont hear even a squeak. in business she doesnt take down notes, in maths she doesnt do questions (not that i can say much) and in french she doesnt even know ça va and wont do her french hw. so yeah plain infuriating. i did my english hw wrong after i spent an hour carefully constructing only a third of my answer for an hour last night. my friends went to the shop but i didnt bc i wanted to stay in the cspe classroom and eat my lunch and maybe also read trollhunter fanfics, hard enough to find good ones involving a very cute and fluffy relationship between jim and walter. anyways we had to have a fake election in cspe, to try out ballot box voting, in first year for student council i tied with another girl for top votes. guess how many i got this time? yeah thats right a solid one, thinking about it makes me sad, does no one like me anymore??? but i laughed at the time even tho every1 looked back at me, it felt really dehumanising, the only way i deal with bad situations is by laughing and joking, and that situation made me feel a little shit.

made me also feel real great when aprciot turned back at me and said i put you 5, its like he constantly tries to talk to me and be my friend and when i ignore him he gets mad, its not great that i was standing beside granite today and apricot started pushing granite and while he did that his hand touched my tit. great. made me feel just great, it wasnt on purpose he wouldnt even try.. well he did say consent didnt matter today if it was me. he was obvi joking but considering he tried to sa someone before and this day a year ago, "mango" his friend and apples friend sent diorite a voice message saying apricot said he was gonna do a thing to her. idk im sorry i feel uncomfortable typing out the word rape. but yeah thats what he said apparently. doesnt make it better he could walk to her house and he knows where that is. but unfortunately it is what it is no matter how cruel it can be.

anyways, after cspe i fucking raced through the classroom to get to another because it had a door to the outside which was closer to the door to the other outside door to get to or religion classroom, we had a proper sound sub, she was rly nice and i thought she was a bitch because of her hairstyle but she really wasnt, AND I GOT MY FAVOURITE SEAT!!!! mission acomplished, my friend was happy bc i always run to get good seats and i actually did unlike last time where some people were unfortunately quicker.

idk if i mentioned this but i learned about shifting maybe early 2021 and it didnt really go anywhere, id tell you where i have planned out for me to go but it would be embarassing, i have one for the embarassing one and one for a library, filled with extensive knowledge and characters from shows i watch. anyways my body felt like it was floating last night, just like my first shifting attempt nearly 2 years ago now, i nearly did it but i chickened out, opened my eyes and couldnt ever do it again or get those symptoms. when i woke up at 4 in the morning i was half stuck in a dream, and was trying to do my tasks to meet my goal, i dont even remember what my tasks or goal was.

i skimmed the entirety of sex education, it was my first time watching it, it was pretty good, i really liked ruby she was definitely my favourite i also really loved roman but cmon ruby, she was so good also aimee. i redownloaded farmville2 so its time to relive my farmer life whoop whoop. ill do another blog post later. anyways goodbye have a good morning, good day and good night

[nothing-a-good-nap-cant-fix]

now that school has allowed face to face, my thoughts are more reorganized, and im not spiraling into the same cycles in the comfort of my own bed. Now, ive met some people who were able to help me settle in the normal every day interactions and activities.

It makes things easier for me to get a ground of where im currently at, and evaluate my current state of mind and im able to grasp my thoughts and explain them in an understandable way. I don't talk in blurs anymore and dont speak in incomprehensible frenzy of emotions and mental breakdowns. Mentally, and psychologically. Physical doesnt matter to me anymore.

Speaking of physical, ever since i left my relatives and went back to staying home, the impact of my stay there severely affected me. I remember constant reminders of how i look. The shape of my body, my hygiene, my figure. It was a daily comment. Maybe to them, it was innocent. Maybe because they already said it to each other on the daily and weren't affected by it, they thought it was okay to joke about mine as well. I dont know. All i know that for once in my life i started caring about the thing i saw whenever i passed by the mirror. I couldnt bear to look at my face anymore knowing it was me. It was painful knowing that this was the body i lived in. I couldnt even skip meals to make me feel even just a little bit better, and avoid them, because theyd always start accusing me of acting emotional, being bitter, being immature, emo, moody, whatever words an adult can throw at a developing teenager. I wanted to die.

I had little to no privacy, sharing a room with someone, bunk bed, in a cramped stuffy room, no door to block out anything. The only personal space i had was my own bed, which even people liked to occasionally drag me from. I had issues with school at the time, that's why i was living with them. But they weren't helping. All they did was scold me about why i couldnt solve it on my own. They said that they were my age when they could already supervise their own school files, and that i should know it too. They shouldnt be doing stuff for me, they said. Im old enough, they said. But i dont know how to do it. I cant do it. They say im weird because im always scared to talk to people to ask to people. They get mad when i couldnt buy eggs because i was scared. I didn't know where the store is and even though they gave instructions. It was already hard for me to go out and buy normally. whatever.

Im so tired. I have to deal with everything that comes my way and i just want to scream and kick and cry.

But what if i do? Nothing will happen. Nothing will change. Ill just look more stupid. I might do something that will make more issues for me. I cant risk it, itll ruin my already peaceful situation.

I hate sundays. Its when my parents decide to stay home for the day and get mad at some point eventually. Usually, its about the messy state of our house. About how we should clean. Always so messy, they said.

Im tired. I dont want to live like this anymore. Ive changed. Thank goodness. I dont want to die anymore. I dont think ive ever wanted to die. I just wanted to stop existing to people. I want to stay as a spectator forever. All i do is watch from the sidelines. I dont want to be acknowledged, or known, or even seen.

Whatever.

Im tired. I want to cry. But i cant. Whatll it do? Nothing. It does nothing. It just makes me look more stupid. It will give me a cold. Itll have people aksing why im crying. Stupid dumbfucks. I wish theyd go somwhere else. I hate it when people ask if im okay. I want to bash their brains in. They should be shutting up. Sht the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut up bitch. Dead dead adead die die die die die die die die. Im tired. Maybe i should start smoking. But they said its painful. What should i do? Self harm? I cant do slits. Too showy. People will notice. They might even report me. Embarassing, theyll ask bulldhit questions at the office. What the fuck. I need something. Ah. Starving. I can. I should stop eating. Dad said i was growing weaker. I regret eating today. I wish i ddint eat. I wish i didny ask for anythibg. I wish i starved starve starve

[weskin-time]

NSFW Wesker Headcanons part 2

More wesker headcanons because im high and hes all i can think about right now i cannot get him out of my head!!!!

this one is a fuck ton kinkier i will not apologize- children leave the area before i eat you

he loves using pet names

AAA

him grabbing your chin, sorta squishing your face while making you look at him saying "youre such a perfect plaything for me"

heres a list of pet names i think he would use

plaything

pet

puppy

good boy/girl

sweetheart

dearheart (a given as this is wesker)

sunshine

love

honestly he will call you anything you want (within reason to his ego)

into pet play

this one is for me im being self indulgent

if youre not into it thats fine but if you are

whoa

loves if you wear a pair of puppy ears and/or tail

(or kitty if you wish. or hell even a fox)

LOVES it when youre in pet space with a collar on and leash tightly held in his fist while hes working at his desk and youre just sitting there next to him but on the floor with your head on his thigh

will randomly tug on your collar and make you suck him off while hes doing paperwork

will get you a water bowl to drink out of if you wish

and will get you a cage to rest in

dry humping? yea dry humping.

if theres little time to fuck and youve been teasing him all day he will 100% pin your chest to a wall and hump your ass till he cums

so now youre all hot and bothered, he got off on using you, the fucker will not allow you to tease him all day and will get back at you for it

this man is clearly into BDSM

i mean look at him

skintight leather suit (which respect him for that that shit must be hot af and not easy to move in yet hes doing jojo poses and shit like hes dio brando and flipping around like a kungfu movie star)

hes very into bondage

either that be tying you up with silky rope, giving you a body harness, suspending you, or even using uroburos on you

would 100% blind and gag you, have you tied in a frog tie with your arms tied behind your back

if you want a crotch knot is up to you

he just loves to have you tied up, gagged and blindfolded at his mercy

it makes him swell with power

and makes his cock hard when he trails his hands up your body and you make a cute muffled wimpering sound

respects your bounderies

not really a kink thing but

when you two first start becoming sexually active with each other he sits yall down to make a list with things you want to do, what youre willing to try, and things you will not do

then review them together and talk about it

even if its embarassing a tad he makes you feel comfortable

he wants to make sure you actually like it alot when he pulls you aside in his lab when anyone can walk in

his hand around your throat and the other in your underwear fucking you with his fingers

(dont worry he locked the door, he wont tell you but he would never let someone see you like that. thats for him and him only. tho he gets off on you thinking its unlocked)

as much as he loves to fuck you hard he also loves soft sex

holding you close to him, bodies touching as he slowly thrusts in and out of you, bottoming out inside you while hungerly kissing you

sitting in his lap with one of his hands on the back of your neck holding you to him tightly while the other one is held firmly around your waist as he bucks his hips up to fuck you

if youre like me and take a fuck ton of time to orgasm and are kinda embarrassed by it

please do not fake it with him

or do cuz he can tell if you are faking it no matter how real it looks or how many times its worked on other people

if you do and he knows he will overstim you by making sure you cum for him

he doesnt mind sitting there for longer between your thighs

or rubbing you off while he fucks you sensless

your pleasure means a lot to him too hes not just chasing his own high

would somehow train you to cum when he does

hes also into you calling him some names

those names are

master

captain (my personal fav)

sir

my lord

God

daddy

anything really that lables him as someone having power over you

an athority figure

daddy was one he was kinda iffy about

but hearing it come out from your lips one night inbetween your gasping, he almost came right on the spot and was sorta confused with himself for a bit

which then made him realize he has a breeding kink

please wear his sunglasses on your head while fucking him, damn

send him lewd photos while hes at work of you in a shirt of his and nothing else and he will try to leave work early

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gods this was longer than i wanted it to be lol

i hope yall like this! reblogs help me find more wesker simps to share my shitty food with