#but i downplay a lot how much anxiety social interactions give me

[pichitinha]

,,

[thevirgodoll]

Is it possible to be neuro-typical and still have mental health obstacles/issues? Like honestly…I am AWFUL at self-discipline. I lack focus and sometimes I have to force myself to finish things (even if last minute). But, I genuinely, truly, deeply at the bottom of my heart, DON’T believe I struggle with any mental disorders. Whenever I do research for things like adhd and what not, and I interact with fellow classmates with adhd, I don’t find myself relating to those issues on a deep profound level other than lack of focus/discipline and occasional anxiety.

It is definitely possible, but I think you're comparing yourself too much to Internet articles and your peers. I will give you facts just for your own convenience and you can decide on your own. It doesn't hurt to think about it.

Everyone with ADHD represents differently, considering there's ADHD Inattentive Type, ADHD Hyperactive-Impulsive Type, and ADHD Combined (that's all of it together, which is me!). This creates a stark difference in all of us with the disorder. Primarily Inattentive especially presents drastically different due to the low population of those who have it. It creates imposter syndrome, when it's not any less debilitating. There are even uncommon symptoms that go under the radar, that we didn't even know was ADHD.

Another thing to consider is if you are POC, AFAB, or identify as a woman, it's severely under diagnosed in these populations due to the stigma. And to speak to my demographic, Black women, we do not notice there's something off until we find difficulty in late adulthood due to the ableism and bias in healthcare. Most BW will believe ADHD is something different than what it actually is, and avoid getting knowledge from the right sources (because most are for children, or little boys...). We downplay a lot of our symptoms with mental illness.

The thing is, ADHD is specifically unique because it's a disorder that is neurologically based and developmentally based.

Let me explain executive function!

Executive function helps us manage time efficiently, switch between tasks without conscious effort, problem solve, avoid impulsivity, retrieve information, and regulate emotions. ADHD impacts the development of executive function through neurological structures of our brain, so that becomes executive dysfunction - peep this comic from ADHD-Alien to see it in a situation played out. And another!

I like to use the analogy of neurotypical's dopamine neurotransmitters (thousands of them) completing their job at work while ours don't even show up, even though they really want to. Here's an example of how severe the symptoms are in a comic from ADHD-Alien.

Therefore, it's a deficiency in dopamine and norepinephrine. This is why medication becomes important for a lot of people with ADHD to bring it back up. Beforehand, self medication is usually an issue, through other stimulants like coffee. The low chemicals in our brain will cause those of us afflicted with ADHD to seek stimuli to compensate for that, usually involuntarily.

Tasks with high stimulus are more attractive to our brains. What has some sort of incentive is at the forefront of your brain, and that's why you're not able to do things that you should do. Your brain legit screams, "Do something else, or I'm turning off!!!" This is also why those of us with it have endless amounts of hobbies because we go through various phases of what is the most interesting.

Before diagnosis, most people will be told they're lazy, just need to try focusing/try harder, or that everyone has this same problem. That is all due to professionals not advocating for ADHD properly, having a view that ADHD is just a little boy kicking, being hyper, screaming, and a belief that ADHD is tied to poor academic performance/low intelligence. This all prevents people from seeking treatment and creates internalized ableism. This also leads to feeling like the ADHD diagnosis is invalid due to childhood symptoms being suppressed until adulthood.

I must also mention... it's well known people with ADHD WILL have AT LEAST one co-morbidity... which means it can attribute to the development of these disorders if the symptoms go unnoticed. Depression, OCD, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Substance Use Disorder, and more. Autism and ADHD counts as well, and often people have an overlap because they are basically brother and sister in casual speech.

A lot of us were already diagnosed with a co-morbidity, anyway. So our brain already had to seek chemicals and that can make it even harder for diagnosis to occur and make it easier for misdiagnosis or increase risks. ADHD also creates the likelihood of suicide, doesn't matter the age bracket.

There is a lifetime prevalence for other disorders for those of us with ADHD either way, because of how difficult it is. So, even if you feel you may be "milder" in presentation, that's not invalid, and don't be put astray by TikToks or Twitter posts. Know your facts and be careful, because social media will say everything is an ADHD symptom, when it's not, especially TikTok. They will also use the wrong words or invalidate less common symptoms. Don't buy into that.

TL;DR: Though you may have mild anxiety to begin with or depression, my concern is that executive function requires the ability to self regulate. Through this you have the ability to essentially force your reward system, so that way you can prime your brain for a greater reward in the future. Anyone with executive dysfunction has a deeper problem than they realize, and I would've been doing my brand of mental health and improvement a disservice if I didn't at least try to define the reasons why you should also consider that you may display lesser known symptoms. Even if you are neurotypical in your world view, mental illness has been defined so concretely by certain people that it becomes confusion. I can tell you're having difficulty. It seems you're having trouble either way with something, so you should seek services if you are able, as well as think more about what's been going on lately.

[a-lil-perspective]

I have been silent for some time now. I have refrained from exhibiting any plaguing thoughts that might warrant me the label of “that person”, but I’m at the point where I’ve had my fill.

Ramble under the cut so as to not... offend or inconvenience anyone. There’s absolutely no obligation to read this. It’s Tumblr. You can block/ignore me. The option to do so is readily accessible.

I’ve been a Bad Batch fan since day one. While I didn’t start creating that very same day, it was relatively close. Point being, I’m a long-time dedicated fan. As the premiere to their series draws closer, I feel like there is going to be a great shift, rift here. That being said, I figured now is as good a time as any to make this post.

I love those boys beyond words. They’ve been the one constant in my life amidst a rapid and debilitating change. I love getting to give them life, even if my interpretations aren’t the most accurate.

Yes, I am a new Writer and yes, I am new to Tumblr, as I am sure both of those things are painfully apparent.

I get that it is impossible to please everyone. It’s something I’m learning more and more with each passing day. It’s something that gets harder to swallow, even more so.

I’d like to say that being here has been a largely positive experience, with all of these great connections and opportunities. But honestly? It’s been more isolating than anything. I’ve actually never felt more isolated than since I joined a year ago.

As a content creator or even just a general blogger, I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask for anything, in fact. I consider myself very low maintenance. I don’t demand/harass/play the martyr for reblogs. I have never mentioned it once, and never will. Some people on here are so damn passive-aggressive about it, and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. It’s very stigmatizing. While I completely understand the frustration surrounding the like-to-reblog ratio, I think it’s neither tasteful nor reputable to threaten to call people out for not reblogging your fics. I wish I could say I was joking on that one. But I’ve seen it profoundly. Not cool.

And yet, no one says anything or raises any concern there.

Yet I make metas, harmless rambles, and I get shot down? Seriously?

—I need to “chill”, it’s “overkill”, I’m “overthinking”. I and my content are apparently just so damn arduous to interact with.

If you don’t like me, please just move on. There are plenty of other Bad Batch creators for you to enjoy. You know that. My work is absolutely not the final say, and I’ve never claimed it to be.

What is so wrong, with sharing one’s thoughts? Why do people inherently have a problem with other’s creative efforts? I see it time over again. Why do I feel like if I was making a bunch of smutty posts it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, that it in fact would be infinitely more welcome? (Absolutely NO shade to people who create smut, okay? I’ve made my own share. I admire those bold enough to do so regularly. I absolutely love them. Please teach me your ways).

This ramble really has nothing to do with the most recent event regarding my contributions. Rather, it’s a culmination of experiences over the past several months that have brewed and festered to the point where I can no longer keep downplaying it.

Social media, at its core, is one big popularity contest. It always has been, it always will be. But I’m not here to win. That’s never been my objective. That’s not what I’m about. Surprise (or not), I am not a popular blog. Not by a long shot. I’ll never claim otherwise.

I don’t ask people to view/interact with my content, I’m not an activist, I can’t even fathom exuding that kind of confidence. Even though I, admittedly, crave it. I suspect I crave interaction as much as the next creator. It’s a nice feeling. Yet there’s never been any obligation for it, especially with me, so I don’t understand what the problem is. As I’ve said, there are ample ways for you to block/avoid me. It’s the internet. In this day and age, there’s no excuse for viewing anything you don’t want to.

I came here in the hopes of finding like-minded individuals, uplifting and interacting, and exercising some otherwise stunted creativity.

All Tumblr as taught me is that creating and contributing is largely a thankless, empty endeavor. You can give and give and give and be reduced to nothing. There’s a profound imbalance between “giving” and “receiving”, and in regards to both ends of the scale, it’s became apparent to me that if you don’t cater heavily and in unreasonable degrees or get “noticed” by a popular blog, you get nothing, and your efforts are null and void.

Truthfully? I constantly feel like I walk on eggshells here, and it’s all I can do to not crack under the pressure, even though it’s my blog and my headspace. I should feel comfortable and free to express myself here, and I don’t, and I’m unsure of how to achieve that sense of stability. To be completely honestly I feel like a constant bother and a nuisance. When I post, I literally feel like there is a collective eye-roll that comes with people receiving a notification from my blog. Even though I know, rationally, that can’t be true, that’s an absurd level of thinking. I can’t say I can pinpoint exactly where it stems from.

But regardless: I hardly ever talk about/create the things I actually want. I only recently just got ballsy enough to share some metas, and we all know how well that’s going. I try not to have smut out of respect for my asexual/minor mutuals, even though the tag to blacklist is very much an option. I try not to bring up conflicting topics, Tumblr, political, or otherwise, even though with proper tagging I could. But I try not to even bring that into existence. Even though it’s my right to, I don’t.

I don’t actually feel like I fit into any narrative here, especially in the Bad Batch fandom; even though we are all basically the same steadfast group of bloggers. We all know who we are. We all coexist in the same space. It’s nearly impossible to be unaware of each other, at this point.

And yet, I’m not in a bunch of Discord servers or backed by a team of beta readers and all that jazz. It’s basically just me talking to myself out here. It’s very isolating.

Part of that—most of it—is my own crippling social anxiety, and the genuine belief that I don’t deserve to be in the same space/servers as all of these brilliant creators. Because I’m just me, and there’s not a whole lot of value there. With that mindset, it’s hard to actually feel like I belong anywhere. I know that is a mindset I have to conquer alone.

My excitement over my creations has largely dwindled into nothing. I seldom ever bounce my ideas off of others—another issue that stems from the fear of presenting as a burden—and even though I try to write for myself, even that fire has pretty much died out. I’m not even sure how or if I could even reignite it, at this point. It’s really quite sad. It makes me very sad, actually. All I wanted was to safely ramble, project all my thoughts and creativity that has otherwise been repressed through prolonged detrimental circumstances.

More than anything, I wanted to find and hold onto something that makes me feel useful, meaningful, happy. More and more I wonder if that’s even possible. I don’t think it is, not here. I often wonder if joining and sharing on Tumblr was a horrible mistake. I miss the innocent joy of when I first started creating. It was so simple. I’m trying to find that simplicity again.

But I’m burned out. I’m running on fumes. I have been for some time.

At this point it goes beyond just “taking a break” from Tumblr. It’s the fact that it all feels like this meaningless, monotonous cycle. I wonder every day if I am an isolated case in experiencing these emotions.

And yet, come tomorrow I will still be here, business as usual.

I’m not asking for sympathy or playing the victim or attacking anyone or trying to guilt-trip into more interaction. I am very aware of my shortcomings and incorrect mindsets. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I feel very disconnected from everyone here and it’s lonely. This took a lot for me to share. I will most likely delete this because anxiety will eat me up, as it does with everything I post. Yes, everything.

[echo-of-sounds]

i don’t know

Okay, I don’t know where else to put this, so you can ignore it if you want, but I just need to get some thoughts, feelings, and anxieties out before I breakdown because of them. This’ll probably get long. And I’ll probably cry from frustration while writing this.

Two summers ago, when I was 21, my therapist said it was a possibility that I had Asperger's, mainly because of the social and cognitive symptoms. I have a horrible time understanding abstract information. In school, I cold never do a project unless I had concrete details. I just couldn’t grasp what they were asking of me. Teachers would narrow it down a bit, but it never helped. I need a clear outline. I legitimately could not do it otherwise. I froze and panicked and ended up nearly failing projects because of the lack of concrete direction.

I have a hard time understanding, what should be, simple sentences. I ask people to reword what they said or explain it in more depth. Some do. Some get angry and accuse me of not paying proper attention. I completely am. But I genuinely cannot make sense of their words and feel left out because they refuse to repeat themselves. It’s so frustrating. I loose track of the conversation, stop contributing, then they get angry again because I’m not responding to them.

My memory pertaining to certain things, is beyond amazing. I can recite the seating arrangements from all of my high school class. That was five years ago. But outside of that, it’s terrible (I know ADHD plays a role in this too). I always focus on the smaller details even if they weren’t important. I focused so much on them, I failed to see the larger picture. This also impacted so much of my schoolwork.

When I talk, I have no inflection. My voice is low and I often mumble. So many people have gotten angry at me for it. Then when I try to speak louder, to the point I’m genuinely strain myself and feel like I’m yelling, they still say I’m too quite. So I give up talking.

I had to go to speech therapy when I was younger (around 5 and 6 years old) because I still had trouble learning how to speak. My mom said I wouldn’t properly pronounce anything, use words wrong, and ‘babble’ a lot.

I’m so fucking clumsy. I bruise myself regularly because I just run into everything, even though they’ve been in the same place for years. I hit my hands off of things, nearly run into walls, and kick things often. 

And my sensitivities are off the charts. It’s honestly ridiculous (I know ADHD also plays a role in this, but sometimes I feel like it’s much more than that). People tell me to stop being a picky eater when the smell of fish makes me want to vomit and feeling beans in my mouth is just plain wrong. The only smell I can tolerate is vanilla. Anything else and I want to cry. Clothing is horrible. I’m so rarely comfortable. And noises are the worst. My dad says it’s quite, but I can hear the Tv, the Tv in the other room, the sink running, that beeping, the AC going, someone clicking, the sizzling on the stove, and it’s all too much. 

When I was younger, I used to have temper tantrums. A lot. They were bad. I’d hit myself, scratch myself with pens, and bang my head off the floor. I barely remember them, but I do remember it being more than just a ‘temper tantrum.’ The world was just too much and I didn’t know how to handle it, so I had a meltdown.

The severe self-harm eventually stopped, but the meltdown’s still happen to this day. My mom tries to get me to talk about it so she can help. But I can’t even explain why it happened half the time. It just did. 

I’ve had so few close friends throughout my life. The ones I do make, don’t last. It’s hard for me to keep them as a friend. They don’t do anything wrong or bad. I just can never keep that connection. I barely interact with people. Even when they’re around, I just don’t talk. I abhor looking people in the eyes. It makes me uncomfortable and I don’t even know why! People get angry at me. They think I’m ignoring them when I’m not. I’m just not looking directly at them.

Communicating my feelings and expressing empathy is something I just cannot do. So I fake it. I feel worse about not feeling bad about someone’s trouble than I do actually feeling bad for them (I don’t know if that makes sense). I fake it so I don’t sound rude. I don’t want them to be angry at me.

I’d get in trouble at school when I did something ‘wrong,’ but I didn’t understand what I did wrong. I still don’t to some point. Teachers just told me I broke a rule and was in trouble. When I would ask why, they said I should be able to know that by myself. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I thought about it.

I have a morning routine. I do it daily. If it ever gets interrupted, stopped, or I can’t complete it for whatever reason, my entire day is off. I try to continue normally, but I can’t focus. I just now my morning was messed up and I spend the rest of the day obsessing over it. It doesn’t go away until the next day when I can complete it properly. 

I’ve always had hyperfocuses. ADHD affects this. I know. Some come and go, like a certain video game will consume my life or I’m suddenly preoccupied with writing poems for a week. But those go away. All my life, I’ve loved reading and learning about dinosaurs/megafauna/evolution, plants, and psychology. They’re easy for me to learn about. I retain so much information without trying. I never had to study for my psych. exams. Never. And I always aced them. I just obsessed about the subject and they remained in my memory so well.

As for stimming, I’ve done a lot of different things throughout my life, but I was always told to stop, told they were annoying, or questioned about them. So I stopped doing each one because I was scared people would get angry with me. Because some have. 

I used to rub my fingers together. It kept my hands busy, but it also helped me focus and relieved some anxious energy. I didn’t know why. It just made me feel better. I’d be on the computer, using the mouse with my right hand, rubbing my fingers together with my left. My dad questioned why I did it. I didn’t have an answer so I did it less. I did it in school, while taking a test, and the teacher told me to stop because it was disruptive. I eventually stopped doing it all together because people would constantly make me feel bad for it.

I also used to babble. It was one of the reasons I was sent to speech therapy. Instead of helping me learn how to talk properly, because I did need help with that, the workers there just forced me to stop babbling/humming/repeating a word because it wasn’t proper behavior for the situation I was in. 

Though I don’t babble anymore, as that was basically forced out of my behavior, I still hum and repeat lines (whether from a Tv show or a book) to myself, sometimes for days at a time. I also move my head and neck around and twist my wrists while I’m focusing on something. Half the time, I don’t realize I’m doing it. It takes another person to point it out.

My therapists said it was a possibility that I had Asperger’s. My psychiatrist said she didn’t believe so because I was able to connect with her. She felt I didn’t ‘align’ with the social troubles. I can talk to her, share feelings, look her in the eye, smile ate jokes (though sometimes I fake smile- I see another person smile so I match it), and I don’t have trouble going off topic and rambling about specific subjects.

I said okay at the time. She’s a smart woman and I trust her. But ever since, it’s been on my mind. I’ve always felt different. I don’t mean that in like ‘I’m special’ kind of way. I mean it like, ‘There’s something wrong with me and I don’t understand what it is. I don’t understand why others can do X while that takes me longer/more effort to understand. I genuinely felt ostracized. But I just accepted it.’

I don’t know how to bring it up to my mom and/or dad. I know my mom will be supportive, but I’m scared about other people. My younger brother makes jokes about autism. My siblings, dad, and stepmom don’t do anything. It pisses me off to no end. I’ve yelled and sworn at him for what he says. But he keeps doing it. My other siblings say it’s just a joke and I need to relax, but I can’t. They aren’t jokes. They’re rude, ableist, and most of them are making fun of things I do. He, nor none of family, just don’t that because I keep them hidden.

And I don’t know how to bring it back up to my psychiatrist. I feel connected to many of the symptoms and like it explains so much of my life, especially when I was young, but I don’t know how to explain all my thoughts on the subject. When she asks me a question, I often freeze and undercut my own troubles and downplay it. I’ve been obsessing over this the past few months. It’s partly why my depression got bad for a time. I don’t know it I’m making a mountain out of a mole or if I should actually seek professional help to help me, especially since I’ve applied for disability benefits because my mental health has been so bad the past couple of years.

Anyway, I’m done my ranting. Thanks for listening if you did. And I’m open to advice. I’ve just felt so stuck recently and I feel like it’ll only get worse.

[funkymbtifiction]

how to find enneagram fixes?

hi funky, thanks for your reply to the “hey here’s how I found it” ask! I’m the same infp anon here. so I’ve been trawling the blog for a while as to my enneagram fixes and I’m sure of the 6w5 part and partially sure of the 1 fix, but how do I determine my last heart fix (it could be anything and confirm the 1 fix (make sure it’s not 9)? thanks so much for all your resources so far, but maybe if you could please tell me how the fixes in this order relate to the 6 core and how to figure them out. (not asking for one size forcefits all answer ofc) (oh, and sorry for the long and rambling message the other time. :P)

What helped me was a variety of things, but it mostly came down to thinking about how I handled various things in my life as relates to the different centers of the Enneagram. You need to look for proof in your life of those centers.

Centers are as follows – head fixes deal with fear (how do you cope, what do you do?); image fixes deal with how you relate to other people (what do you want from them?); gut fixes are what you do with anger and what angers you.

It’s sometimes helpful to compare with others you know, but also to think about what people observe of you and have said about you in the past. What about you fits the stereotype for your type, or does not fit the stereotype?

IMAGE CENTERS:

I felt a pull toward 4, but after reading Enneagramer’s 4 and thinking about it, and my own interactions with 4s who are exactly like that, I realized I am not a 4, because my problems never defeat me. I never wear them as a badge of honor, and I am never so devastated by them that I can’t keep producing until I have dealt with those feelings. My 4 friend told me, “When you speak about the bad things that have happened to you, you downplay them / make no big deal out of them. I know they must have hurt you terribly at the time, but you have healed the wound and moved on in a way I can’t.”

My image fix was the toughest to figure out – turns out that is because it was 3; they become what they need to be, and focus on finishing things, because they are “goal-oriented.”

A couple of things helped me realize this – the comment a friend made once that I do nothing by half, it’s “as if you are getting paid to do your hobbies, because you have to be the best at them, and you work hard to ensure you ARE the best.” I also thought about the fact that people in real life are shocked that I identify as a 6. Why would that be? Because the confident persona I put on in front of them all doesn’t lend itself to projecting anxiety. 6 is blending into 3’s self-confidence and making me project confidence, even if I do not have it.

Then too, I am incredibly aware of what “others may think.” I am always thinking about presentation, about how this will be perceived, about what people may say. Once, when a girl attacked me on the internet, I backed off and thought, “She is going to make a fool of herself. I meanwhile will look like the powerful, sensible, reasonable, and in-control one, since I refuse to react in public.”

I am quite good at blending into an unnatural environment despite being a Fi. (I find it impossible to write anything I disagree with, but I find ways around it, so people think I am “one of them” without me lying about it.) I do not relate to any of the soc-first 3 chapters or profiles I read, because they are all too arrogant and care about social climbing techniques, which I don’t give a fig about – what I DO relate to is the tendency to put my self-worth into my writing; I am what I “produce.” What I “create.” If one of my beta readers finds a mistake, I am mortified. Because even my beta is supposed to think it’s 99% amazing! ;) And it’s damn near impossible for me to take two days off, or even an afternoon off, unless I’ve worked myself into exhaustion, without feeling like I am being a slacker. I NEED A PROJECT AT ALL TIMES. I have literally not gone for more than a week without working on a novel for over 17 years. Because in doing nothing, in producing nothing, I am nothing.

(I decided I am a 631 for obvious reasons; co-mod said my sp3 is so strong I could be a core 3, but I’ve always known I’m a 6. :P)

Comparison to people in my life with the other image fixes:

2s: care way less than I do about presentation, about looking the best, about having their stuff perfect, because to them, what they create is not reflective of their worth as a human being. They will extend themselves more to help people, and feel good about it, while I will do it out of duty and then gripe about it later.

4s: dwell in their negative feelings way more often and almost never want to solve their problem (which is problematic for me, since I’m here to fix you ;). What most shocked me once was when a 4 said they can’t create unless they are “in the mood.” I just kind of stared at them, like “What’s the mood got to do with it? You show up and write!” I believe diligence and daily working at it gets things done, which is how the 3 operates: it’s not about whether I “feel” like it today, I’m doing it!

Think about it. Which do you do? Which can you prove you do? Which have people commented on, that you do? If it’s 2, I expect you to have a list of times you selflessly helped others. With 3, I expect to see a list of accomplishments and things to show for your hard work. With 4, I expect to see an emphasis on being “in the mood” and needing it to have your own personal stamp on it for it to be good.

GUT CENTERS:

The evidence for my 1 fix is right in front of you. I lecture people all the livelong day about finding out their type and its weaknesses and blind spots SO YOU CAN ALL BECOME BETTER PEOPLE, AND GET ALONG BETTER. That is the 1. I see how you could improve yourselves, how the world can be a better place, with the 1’s idealistic zeal, because right now, IT IS IMPERFECT. This is why 1’s write de-cluttering books, and teach you how to get your finances in shape, and tell you to stop wasting your money, and teach the Enneagram, so you can all fix yourselves! Proof? I have been called judgmental more times than I can count. I’m not proud of it, sometimes I’m ashamed of it and wish I could be less hard on people, but sometimes what someone else is doing is WRONG and HURTING OTHER PEOPLE.

In comparison to the other fixes:

9s: are far less judgmental and want to get along way more. The only reason I don’t tell people off more often is my 6 is afraid of the fall-out and hates fights. That does not change the fact that my 1 wants to, and will on occasion, assert itself and point out what is wrong / inaccurate / imperfect / immoral / bad about whatever you just did. 9s are also less focused and more easily distracted than my 1 fix. I am tapping my foot impatiently and irritated with the 9 who is “always late” while they are happily going about their comfy morning routine.

8s: are far more inclined to blow up and not apologize for their anger or feel bad about it, unless someone they cared about got upset. 1s tend to sit on their anger, repress it, and try not to show it, because that represents a loss of control, and GOOD PEOPLE (what a 1 wants to be) only get angry over righteous causes. 8s do not care whether leaving a pop can in a parking lot and running over it for fun on their way out is littering or not. 8s do not think about the right / wrong about encouraging someone to lie on a warranty claim, since “it only expired 48 hours ago!” A 1 would never even ask; warranty’s expired. Too bad, but that’s the rules. Breaking the rules makes you “bad.”

Head types:

Not that you need to figure out your head type, but I’m forever being told that I need to “trust myself more,” “trust my gut more,” “go with my first hunch,” and “stop letting other people pollute my clear-headed thinking,” the bane of a 6 who is reliant on and swayed by others unless she’s careful (or in a stubborn mood that day; the plus side is, I’ll never become so arrogant that I won’t consider an opposing argument). The minute I read that 6s feel like they missed out when God was handing out an internal guidance system made me go “YES.” Why is it other people can just know what to do? And move forward confident, even arrogant, that they can do it? Can I get some of that, please?

In comparison to the other head types I know:

5s: are way more secretive, private, paranoid, and unrealistic in some ways, also far more argumentative and certain of being right. They are much less emotional and far more removed from their own feelings. They are more able to be objective, but also more rigid in their refusal to change their mind, because you are wrong and they are right.

7s: are far more flighty, irresponsible, and not inclined to see things through. 6’s show up and put in the long hours; 7s get bored after a week and skip on down the road. They are also more optimistic, funnier, and a ball to be around, but that comes with a dose of “I don’t want to talk about anything negative” and a lot of refusal to look at the bad side of life or admit to their mistakes.

Does that help? I hope so.

Also TAKE YOUR TIME. This is about internal reflection and is not a race.

- ENFP Mod

[thewaterisblackwithvenom]

My initial impression of Kieran was that he was an anxious, weak nerved kiss-up. I mean he doesn’t make any attempt to fight back when Arthur captures him, even if he stands there and does nothing. Dude’s got a gun. Makes zero attempt to go for it. My initial thoughts was he was too cowardly to even fight back, when in reality Arthur was running for him with a lasso. His hands are literally full. Who Arthur is doesn’t really matter; he doesn’t have a weapon drawn and is clearly trying to take him alive. Unless he’s a massively terrible shot, he could’ve easily shot Arthur. Clearly he’s more afraid of what Colm will due to him than just dying(which makes sense, especially with how he went out : )))) ), so it really would’ve been in his best interest to die trying to kill Arthur instead of being captured, most likely killed, and most likely tortured beforehand. Far as I can figure, reasons for just surrendering would’ve been

Fear (logical, but with his biggest fear being whatever Colm would do to him, doesn’t seem as likely, even if he was straight up panicking)

Pacifism (not saying he’s a pacifist, but he’s definitely not a fighter by nature, despite his will to live) 

Once he’s captured, he holds out for about a month in sh*t conditions. He breaks once they turn their violent attention to him, but even then he still tried to hold out. The only reason I can think of why he wouldn’t just talk is fear of what Colm would do to him if he made it out alive. If he was scared that the Van Der Lindes would kill him after he talked, he could’ve stayed quiet longer, I guess, though really who could hold out when you’re being threatened with castration lmao.

After the fact, I expect my initial impression to be right. It wasn’t. I mean, I was 100% right about him being a genuinely nice person, not exactly cut out for outlaw life, and not a rat or weaselly person. Things I were wrong about were his general demeanor. 

He’s a naturally positive and friendly person. Despite being constantly picked on and flat out threatened, he’ll even greet Sadie(who is probably most likely to kill him in the beginning, let’s be honest) with a level of confidence I didn’t expect. He doesn’t slink around her with his head down, but is 100% aware that she hates him, and I’ve never heard him try to change that. He’ll greet her, but goes out of his way to let her know that “I’m here and realize that you hate me so I’m giving you space”. Anyone else who calls him “O’Driscoll”, he’ll get upset and correct them. Sadie straight up tells him to die and he doesn’t say boo. I love that he is aware of her pain and doesn’t try to change her feelings about him just so he can sleep better at night. He plays the long game; respecting her boundaries, and not giving her any other reasons to hate him, hoping that someday she’ll maybe at least not despise him for just being connected to her enemies in the past. He could b*tch and moan about how he had nothing to do with Jake’s murder; he wasn’t there, he didn’t pull the trigger, and he didn’t want that to happen. He really is innocent. But he leaves that and her the f*ck alone, the only contact he initiates is just general politeness. She makes real threats, and he has ever reason to believe her, but he still has the balls to not cower around her. If anyone else in the gang makes any kind of “O’Driscoll” comment, he gets genuinely irritated and corrects them, even if it’s hopeless. Not just the women, who(save for Sadie and Mrs. Grimshaw) aren’t a threat. But he’ll get upset and snap back at Arthur and Javier that he’s not an O’Driscoll. I don’t believe for a second that Kieran thinks he could beat either of them in a fight. He’s not a fighter, and he’s also not stupid. He’s survived about half his life being beaten around. The reason he’s survived could be luck, but also him knowing how far he can press his luck with very dangerous people. I used to find it amusing in the beginning when he’d snap back, because like. Lmao, you really wanna get upset with Arthur? Seriously? Dude. Don’t go there.

He stands up for himself, and is confident enough in himself to be as bold as to say to Arthur’s face, that he’s not a bad person, and that’ll he’ll warm to him eventually. That also caught me off guard, because I was under the general assumption “god this kid is me. anxious af, doesn’t like people, just likes horses”. I projected far too much lmao, because despite him feeling more comfortable with horses, he’s pretty outgoing, in a confident way. If people are just indifferent to him, he has no problem going out of his way to greet people with confidence. When he’s being bullied, he’s ballsy enough to stand up for himself, and when people are genuinely nice to him, he’ll show signs of being flustered/anxious, likely due to the fact he probably has very little experience with kindness. Whatever kindness he experienced outside family was most likely fake and extremely conditional. He never made any comments about having relationships of any kind with anyone. His life has been about survival. He knows how to not press his luck with the wrong people, knows basic social manners(how to be friendly without being overbearing, how to give people space, and even when he helped Molly out of the stagecoach), but I feel like he has the least experience in healthy relationships. Relationships where someone is actually nice to him. That’s also why I’m 1,000% peeved that we didn’t really get to befriend him. Watching him come out of his shell more was so nice. Save for his massive guilt about Jack(which wasn’t even his fault anyway), he was finally starting to feel like he belonged there. Sh*t hurts man.

I think the thing that caught me most off guard was his level of confidence that you really get to see in his fishing side mission.

Arthur says that he’s(Arthur) not that great a fisherman, and Kieran, not missing a beat, comes back with “But I am! *laughs* I’ll teach you something.”, all of which happens seconds after Kieran is done straight up mocking Arthur’s teasing of him. If I hadn’t spent 5,000 years wandering around camp, and getting to see everyone’s personalities that you’d miss if you flew through story mode, that mission would’ve made my head spin. If your impression of Kieran is “soft scared horse boy”, there’s so much that happens in like, a minute that’d throw you off.

Arthur asks Kieran if he’s going fishing

Kieran, likely caught off guard by someone going out of their way to interact with him in a non-hostile way, says yes

Arthur, incapable of just being nice to him follows up with a threatening tone “... or running back to Colm O’Driscoll?”, bc f*ck this guy actually knowing I’m starting to warm up to him, I have to be a Big Tough Outlaw bc I am a Bad Man

Kieran, irritated and a bit nervous now, snaps back that of course he’s not 

Arthur responds by bumping his fist against Kieran’s shoulder/chest, gives an amused chuckle, and responds with “pffft, I’m just joking w/ u lol relax”  (I love this interaction because it really shows, at least to me, that Arthur is genuinely starting to like Kieran. instead of continuing along the lines of “watch yourself”, his tone and body language gestures that “I don’t mean it, I’m just messing with you”. Even if he’s still being an *ss, it’s not like his previous interactions. The playful physical contact, non-menacing laugh, and “I’m just kidding w/ u” comment are all friendly gestures. He wouldn’t do any of those if he actually didn’t like Kieran. Arthur’s not a touchy-feely “I’ll fake like I’m your friend so I can slit your throat later” kind of person)

Kieran’s nervousness instantly melts away and he responds with “wow. ur so funny. hah hah. rlly had me goin there. ur hilaaaaarious.” he’s 100% done and just rolls his eyes at this point.

Arthur just goes “shut up”, and I love the way he says it this time bc he’s more like. Offended/irritated that he’s being sassed instead of actually meaning “shut up or else”. He’s all “>:((( shut up brat” and it’s cute lmao. 

Not two seconds after Arthur tells Kieran to shut up, he absolutely doesn’t and invites him fishing. Like, a genuine “hey wanna go fishing?” and not like, a “desperate for your approval, please give me more opportunities to prove myself to you”.

Arthur says he’s not a great fisherman, and Kieran responds with “Yeah but I am!”, laughs, and says he can teach Arthur something.  I found this part super fascinating, because as someone with severe anxiety, my response would’ve been totally different. I’m confident in a few areas; I know what I’m good at, and what I’d be semi-competent at teaching people, but if someone-- especially someone higher on the social ladder than I am-- said that they weren’t good at something, that I was really good at, I always try and downplay things so as not to make the other person feel like they’re lesser than me. I like to think my art skills are decent, so if that kind of situation came up “I’m not a great artist”, my response would be more like “Heh neither am I, but I know some tricks that have made things a lot easier. I can show them to you!” Kieran straight up told Arthur Morgan that he’s a great fisherman, and could teach Arthur something. Former O’Driscoll, teaching Dutch’s right hand man something. That was a cocky move, even if it’s true. I love that he has the confidence to flat out say that without even backpedaling. Kid knows his worth and isn’t afraid to just blurt it out.

Arthur responds with a friendly “Sure”. Not like an “yeah alright fine”, but more like how he responds to people who considers friends. Come to think of it, other than certain instances where Kieran pushes his luck here, Arthur is friendlier/less hostile and grumpy with Kieran than he is with Sean lmao. Granted, Sean is uhhh, overbearing and obnoxious, but Arthur sees him as a younger sibling, not an ex-O’Driscoll. 

On their way to the beach, Kieran brings up past vs present. “who would’ve thought we’d be going fishing together when it wasn’t that long ago that I was tied up on the back of your horse begging for mercy?” He says it with such a light hearted tone like it wasn’t even a big deal. He could’ve died from dehydration/starvation/the cold, and he’s literally like “isn’t life funny?” Don’t know whether to be impressed that it didn’t leave him with serious trauma and resentment or said that maybe he doesn’t see it as that big a deal because he’s had worse. Either way, the way he says it is interesting to me.

Ofc Arthur has to remind him “how do you know I’m not dragging you away from camp to kill you?” bc again, can’t let this kid know I’m actually starting to like him. He Must Know that I am a Big Bad Threat.  “..because I saved your life”  “ya and every day I don’t kill you I’m saving yours” “you don’t mean that” “yes I do I am Serious so shut it” Kieran knows Arthur well enough that while the threat is still a touch unnerving, he has the guts to point out that he doesn’t mean it. he knows Arthur well at this point, and despite the slight possibility he might actually mean that, he choses to believe it’s just Arthur being... Arthur.

Throughout the trip, Kieran opens up about camp life and his past, and in general Arthur doesn’t have anything that nice to say. Arthur’s genuinely a nice person, but I wouldn’t call him “soft”, so that doesn't’ surprise me. Despite this, he’s not exactly mean to Kieran like he used to be. He’s not remotely sympathetic, but at the same time he wouldn’t be for really anyone else, either. Maybe the women bc women, but. However, towards the end, when Kieran talks about losing his family and being on his own since then, Arthur does comment along the lines of “well, look at it this way, you’ll never be alone again”. I could be misinterpreting it, but I think that’s Arthur’s way of saying “you’re one of us now”. Can’t really say anything nice to him or show sympathy, but “you’ll never be alone again” could’ve been his way of trying to comfort him in an offhand sort of way.

Not what Arthur meant, but I couldn’t help but laugh when Kieran was like “do you think Dutch trusts me now?” me and Arthur both laughed, sad thing is I laughed bc I’m like “yo Dutch don’t even trust Arthur lmaooo, shoot for something actually obtainable Kieran”

This is already five pages longer than I intended it to be lmao, but literally my entire point is that my impression of Kieran had been that he was a soft, nervy person with low self confidence. The way I see it, all the evidence proves that he’s a lot more than a lot of people give him credit for. 

He is a sweetheart by nature; I really don’t think there’s a mean bone in his body. He’ll stick up for himself and get irritated, but I can’t think of a single instance where he did or said anything mean-spirited. He’s helpful for the sake of being helpful, and is grateful for any actual kindness shown to him. He grows to genuinely care about the gang’s overall well being, and goes so far as to flat out state he’d give his life for Jack’s if he could, despite Jack being a brat to him in the beginning. But despite the fact that he’s a kind hearted individual, he will stand up for himself, and if the follower glitch dialog is accurate, he will engage in combat if he has to. A lot of his dialog is pretty snarky too, which I thought was interesting. I thought he’d be a lot more jumpy and nervous during a shootout, but again I was wrong.  To me all evidence points to his anxiety/nervousness all being circumstantial. It really only presents itself when his safety is actively being threatened, and in foreign situations(people going out of their way to be friendly to him; catches him off guard). So yeah, I think you could technically call him an anxious person and it be somewhat accurate, but he’s not anxious like people today are. His anxiety isn’t “across a broad range of circumstances”, as are anxiety disorders. I think it’s more accurate to say that Kieran is a pretty self confident, moderately outgoing person with a bright personality, despite the sh*t he’s been and still going through. And that’s what I love about him.

I started out feeling bad for him, with a touch of amusement, just for the fact that I really did pity him. He just seemed like such an unfortunate person. I felt really bad having to bring him in, because my general impression was that he’s really not meant for the outlaw life and was probably a nice person. Hated having to bring him in, but having read his bio before playing the game, I was at least relived that his position as part of the gang meant that me bringing him in wasn’t going to result in having to be the cause of his demise. Him being tied up for weeks made me feel really bad since I couldn’t do sh*t to help him out any, because Arthur didn’t give a damn. Poor thing didn’t even have shelter when it rained in 40℉ weather, and didn’t even have his coat on. Once he was free to move around, I was a bit surprised at how confident he was in greeting Arthur. Save for Tilly, in my game, Kieran greets Arthur more than anyone else in camp. Always bright and cheery. Seeing as how I spent most of my time in camp on the outskirts doing chores(see also: avoiding Dutch lmao), running into Kieran a lot was unavoidable, especially because Arthur’s morning routine is cooking breakfast by the campfire. Eeeevery morning, there’s Kieran. Literally can tell what hour it is by where Kieran is and what he’s doing, and vice versa. If it’s 2pm, I know exactly where Kieran is. With how much time I spent at camp, it didn’t take any time at all before I was very familiar with him. I never had any negative feelings or suspicion towards him, but other than our shared fondness for horses, I had no real reason to like him(pity isn’t exactly a reason to like someone after all). But I grew fond of him so quickly ever since dragging him down from Colter, especially after he saved Arthur. He was brave enough to stick up for himself, brave enough to risk his life saving Arthur, and brave enough to state that he’s “one of you now”. He does more than his fair share of chores every day, stays out of everyone’s way, and remains bright and friendly despite his sh*t circumstances. Oh and he loves horses. Those are the reasons I grew attached to him, and still am. I thought he was just 1889 me, but now I realize he’s a lot of what I wish I was. I love his confidence, despite the fact that he has no one backing him up. Ever. I have supportive people backing me, and yet if someone says sh*t to my face it’s going to make me seriously question my worth. Kieran Duffy fights back anxiety, plants his feet and defends himself. I’m f*cking proud of that boy.

Oh my GOD this is embarrassingly long lmao, but I f*cking love Kieran Duffy with all my heart and I feel like so many overlook how strong he actually is. He’s not an ~anxious soft boy~. He’s sweet, and kind, hard working and self reliant, open and honest, confident and snarky, and is just overall such a lovable, wonderful person. He’s not a weak little snitch, nor a skittish people-pleaser. He wants to be liked for who he is, and while he’s always trying to prove himself, he plays the long game and lets that happen naturally. He’s not a boot licker like Micah. I hate that a lot of the gang gave him such constant sh*t, and that despite the fact no one liked him, Micah was treated like “one of the gang”, when he said so much sh*t. Motherf*cker made comments about throwing out the women since they were “dead weight who you can’t even f*ck”, and older “less useful” members like Uncle and Swanson. Meanwhile Kieran works himself to death on a daily basis, but all the Big Men of camp pretty much hold his past over him constantly, despite the fact that he didn’t have a choice, and wasn’t even really part of the gang. It’s just really sh*tty and I hate it lmao.

I’m going to shut up now and pray to GOD this doesn’t make it into the tags or so help me I’ll tag it later lmao. 

[kingofthewilderwest]

you know... i only got to be in the httyd fandom for a short while but i never knew it would look like this? i mean, the httyd3 criticism. it even occurs on positive posts that got me clearly scared to ever stumble into one ;__; my previous fandom's only negative parts are the cringy memes but not this. and its been draining me a lot. i've blacklisted the tags already but post replies wont really help on that so u__u im really lost right now. sorry about this kinda-negative ask...

First off: Don’t turn this post into whining about any problems with the HTTYD community you might have. This is meant to be an encouragement to our friend here, not a sounding board of negativity or a place to perpetuate any negative vibes you might have.

Hey there, friend! Please don’t feel sorry!

I understand what sorts of posts you’re worried about and what you’re seeing with unsolicited negative replies, and I’m not going to downplay that you’ve had these experiences. Those are real experiences and I’m very sorry it’s bogged you down emotionally. Negative comments can come unexpected, but as you’ve been doing yourself, there are ways we can take control. We aren’t “helpless” in our online experiences and we aren’t subject to a ticking time clock of “they’re going to get me in something negative.” We don’t have to be suspect to the whims and emotions of the random, unimportant grouchy-ass - someone who’s a small bugger in a sea of positive experiences we can have. Their opinions are meaningless drivel that have no bearing on what’s actually important to our lives. We can block tags and people, we can learn who to avoid, we can find the right people to hang out with, we can learn how to not give a flip for what some Random Childish Sore-ass Josephine thinks (who we can block in half a second and not deal with the rest of our lives, problem solved), and we can surround ourselves with amazing humans that provide us a powerfully awesome experience celebrating together the material we love.

If it helps to encourage you: you’re not going to have to be dragged down into unwanted negativity, friend. I’m not saying this to pretend like any part of the internet is faultless. But from personal experience, I’m saying that is not the core of the HTTYD fandom, nor the majority of its members, nor its actual atmosphere, nor the typical sorts of interactions you get in a day-to-day experience with the fandom. At all. That’s not anywhere typical HTTYD fandom personality.

I know it can be hard, confusing, disorienting, or anxiety-inducing to enter a new fandom on its own. I don’t know what your experience is here, but I know for many people, when we first enter a new fandom, we sometimes tend to see bad sides because we don’t know anything about how to navigate it yet. Sometimes a small vocal minority of upset people skew our experiences, and make us think that what we’re entering is a lot more negative than the actual community is. This isn’t to excuse the few people who’ve been making negative posts, but to say that the fear and experiences you have aren’t going to be typical to your time hanging out with us.

You might be getting odder waves because the new movie’s come out, admittedly, but at least from the circles I’ve been in, it’s been either polite (and tagged) constructive criticisms, or outright exuberant screams of excitement. I’ve gotten a few very rare negative comments that have been unsolicited, too, so I haven’t been exempt.

As I’m sure you may know, most of fandom is finding its core good circles. With HTTYD, honestly, I’ve found far fewer toxic circles than most fandoms I’ve been in. You’re in good company, friend, and I hope you make friends here; there’s lots of long friendships I’ve made here on tumblr from people because of our shared love of Dragons. I for one am thankful to have you here and would love to create a very safe space on my blog that is free of drama, free of anger, free of rudeness toward anyone, and full of positive hype for the things we all love. 

I’ve been extremely active and involved in the HTTYD fandom since 2014. If this helps, friend: I’ve found this is a very ongoingly positive community and one of the most positive fandoms I’ve ever been in online. It’s a young fandom, so with that comes some people just learning how to socialize, or people who get scared over things that we later learn is the natural safe course of life... but I find it a lot... purer and more thoughtful and considerate... than other fandom circles I’ve engaged in myself. As with any group of people, it’s got some of its controversies and challenges, and there will be some rare people you’ll learn to block, but all-in-all this is a REALLY awesome group of human beings with a lot of creativity, energy, and love for dragons.

Whatever part of the internet we go into, let’s not let a small subset of people define a large group of people that really isn’t like that. They are nothingness, meaningless whispers gone from the wind, in the powerful ocean of dragon love that we here can create. And I for one will pull around me everyone who wants to have a positive time and positive time alone!

[avelera]

So Raleigh and Mako have their iconic first face-to-face meeting at the helipad and people have written meta about how drift-memories show Mako silhouetted and haloed by the umbrella while Raleigh looks commanding and soulful. We know they'd been writing for a few years but do you have any strong headcanons about how Newton and Hermann first met face-to-face?

(For the record, I LOVE that meta about Raleigh and Mako that you’re referencing!)

This is a really interesting question, Anon! A lot of my headcanons kinda come about either because of fanfic I read that feels “right” or expediency for something I need in a story where I need an explanation that feels “right”. My headcanon about their first meeting is definitely a combination of those two. I think the @hermannhaslovedthestars webcomic does an EXCELLENT job and really solidified for me a sense of what happened, and a vague reference to that sort of set up (which I’ll describe below) even played into some dialogue I wrote for the latest Prisoners’ Dilemma chapter (hopefully forthcoming this week).

I’ll go into detail below, putting it below a cut so I can ramble ;P

So I think their first meeting was a huge disappointment for both of them, like soul-crushing. They had been writing canonically “passionate” letters to one another for years, the idea they were crushing hard on one another remotely is so ubiquitous in fanon it’s practically canon at this point. My thoughts on this draw from other PR meta I’ve enjoyed but they include:

- The letters helped filter out some of Newt’s more rambling and hyperactive interactions and leveled him out enough that he came across as, y’know, a normal human. It also let his genius shine in a way Hermann found appealing. 

- Likewise for Hermann–I was going to say that the letters helped Hermann come out of his shell but I just realized that’s fanon and not canon. Canonically, Hermann has no trouble butting into conversations he’s not a part of and saying rather embarrassing personal things like the “Handwriting of God” speech. At least when it comes to his field (which is the extent of how we see him really in the films) he’s not shy at all. So let’s let that fanon die for a second. 

- Really what the letters probably did for Hermann was make him less of a stern, judgmental jerk hung up on his work. He’s a bit of a forbidding person even (if not especially) with his social awkwardness. So I imagine it’s more that the letters allowed him the perceived privacy (see his rule about “public displays of affection”) to open up a bit and maybe even make flirtatious overtures and give compliments to Newt. So letters helped him come across as a normal human as well, one who can give displays of affection. 

- So then you’ve got this situation where both of them in person are so much more abrasive than they are over letters. Newt is too loud and chaotic and any playful jabs he makes probably don’t land right and end up stinging Hermann’s pride instead. Hermann is too stern and serious, a total killjoy, and his waspishness is on full display. He won’t do anything affectionate in public, where they probably met, so none of his softer side can come through. Newt is bouncing off the walls and not checking himself at all or slowing down to clarify his point or pad it with anything less than his unfiltered internal monologue.

- I see both of their worst social habits going into absolute overdrive as the first meeting progresses. They were both already super nervous, and then as things don’t click they get even more nervous, so they both fall back on their worst behavior instincts, insulting one another and trying to shore up their pride (which both have in spades, to the point of arrogance). This just makes matters worse and before you know it, they’re both in too deep to calm down and check in with one another and see if there’s been some kind of misunderstanding along the way. 

- All their worst fears about the other, and about this meeting, are realized. This is in part because I’m sure both had a best case scenario and a worst case scenario in their head, with nothing in between (even though reality is always in between), and it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy when everything isn’t amazing and it’s not this incredible meeting of souls where finally all the social isolation they’ve felt elsewhere just melts away because they’re with each other.

- Because here’s the thing, our social habits don’t just go away when we’re with someone we care for. No one can read our minds. And it takes a bit of acclimation before even the most attentive soulmate can read what’s really happening in our heads. I think from the letters they thought they knew one another very well and, sure, they knew one another’s minds very well, but not their social cues like, “I insult people when I’m nervous,” for Newt or “I snap at people when I feel like I’ve lost control of a situation,” for Hermann. 

- By the way, Hermann canonically shows he cares by snapping at Newt, for example about his safety for the Drift experiment, disguised as criticism of the experiment itself, which Newt was unable to see for what it was. Meanwhile, Newt is like an immature kid on the playground: he pulls Hermann’s proverbial pigtails because he wants his attention, regardless of whether it’s positive or negative attention. But look at how he puffs up around Hannibal Chau as well and tries to impress him! Newt pokes the bear with people whose positive attention he craves, which are people he respects. If he didn’t respect Hermann, he wouldn’t care about getting his attention at all, but Hermann can’t read that about him.

- Most tragically though, I think both of them needed that meeting to be everything for them. They needed to see fireworks and hear the choirs of angels singing. At even the first sign of awkwardness, which could have even been just due to mistranslation or confusion, I think the first chink in the armor appeared, and then everything fell apart like dominoes after that as the anxiety level skyrocketed when things didn’t go as well as they had dreamed (and of course they didn’t, because they couldn’t). And that built the resentment as the other “betrayed” what Newt/Hermann needed from him, emotionally, to the point where it became a wall that was impossible to climb over without one of them, at least one of these two prideful, socially inept geniuses to back down. Someone needed to bend and say, “Hey, did I miss something?” but I also think, for the record, that both of them were bullied growing up and when you’re bullied you often learn 1) how to be a bully yourself and 2) how to not show weakness. So they locked themselves in a game of chicken where neither could back down from being a jerk because to admit weakness was to lose. The pen-pal becomes the enemy and neither knew how to stop it from spiraling further after that.

- I do think they both secretly know they “like” each other, or at least that they see themselves as “in the trenches” together and that they do have positive interactions (largely despite themselves) over the year, but in order to end the fighting, it really does take Hermann conceding that he cares whether or not Newt lives or dies with the “I’ll go with you,” line about the Drift. He’s conceding that Newt’s idea will work (which he resisted before) and helping Newt. Newt immediately construes it as a romantic overture because, well, it kind of is for them in a way that I consider borderline canonical given that the actors played them as in love in Uprising. Hermann ducks a little bit there and pleads “the end of the world” as a reason for his change of heart, but Newt basically disregards that (as he does many things Hermann says, lol) and makes it a friendship thing anyway which Hermann responds to as well, giving lie to his claim that it was pure business.

So to go back to that first meeting… I think it was a date. Maybe they met at a bar or a coffee shop. Maybe it was more romantic than that. Maybe one of them set it up to be a date and the other thought they’d meet before trying to date, and the wires got all crossed. But I absolutely believe that both built up this first meeting in their mind to such heights that there’s no way on earth that they wouldn’t walk away disappointed in some way, and that’s exactly what happened.

Edit: Actually, I wanted to add how I think that would play visually. 

I bet in their memories there is a visual change in the Drift from what “really” happened.

I bet both of them are larger than life in that memory. I bet in the memory of the first time they laid eyes on each other they both look amazing, like the hottest fanartist take on the other that you can imagine. Newt looks like a rockstar. Hermann looks like, well, Burn Gorman in a suit when he’s not trying to look “like Hermann” (which has a whole physicality around it to downplay how fucking hot that man really is). 

I bet it morphs. I bet they both start to take on aspects of a childhood bully the other had. Newt becomes sneering, Hermann becomes disdainful. They start to “look” like someone who is out to get them but maybe, just maybe, the attractiveness level doesn’t drop. Hey, if you’ve been bullied, if you’ve been socially awkward, then chance are you’ve been rejected by someone you perceived as attractive, to the point where attractiveness itself becomes forbidding. 

It could play into them making the other out to be some sort of obnoxious little goblin that’s out to get them: downplay the threat, make it ridiculous and mock it so it isn’t as scary. Hermann is constantly pointing out to others and himself how hopeless Newt is, Newt points out how Hermann’s (probably staggering) intelligence is pointless and basically just self-important noise. 

But to go back, I think visually in the Drift they’d see one another as “sneering” for most of their memories, but it would be like scars overlaying this borderline angelic or heroic first image of them informed by that love and hope that things would work between them, before they opened their goddamn stupid mouths and ruined it.

[thelightfrombelow-blog1]

The flu

Aching.

I’m cold, but body feels like a furnace, at least on the outside; I wish I had a thermometer so I could see how hot my fever has gotten. My forehead feels hot, and I really don’t need to “check” if I have a fever or anything like that, but if it makes any sense at all without going into my own head for clarity, I find it interesting to see if my body is as hot as it seems, or only a couple degrees up and it makes it seem that much worse. Under a blanket feels kind of nice, but sitting here on my laptop looking at clothing listed on Amazon with just a hoodie and sweatpants is fine for now, every few minutes I get sudden shivers and shaking, my hands barely able to type, but it isn’t what I would call unmanageable.

The entire body aching is the worst part I think, but the prescription ibuprofen helps; I’m glad I got so many from my broken index finger last year. The nausea is close to the worst part too, and if it were constant, it would be, but luckily it is light and doesn’t stay for long. It’s all just observations, I don’t need to figure out that I have the flu, a doctor isn’t needed.

I can’t go to my meeting tonight, I feel like shit and I wouldn’t want anyone catching whatever strain of influenza that I have anyways. Besides, I certainly can miss a day, I’m not gonna drink feeling like this just because I miss one meeting, I’ve missed a day or two before and I still am going on 5 years without it, so I don’t know why I’m beating myself up for missing a day. I guess it’s just because on Tuesdays, we have open discussion, which is refreshing to not be tied to one thing, especially when that one thing is a chapter dealing with something which just makes people say stupid stereotypical phrases nonstop and makes me want to leave halfway through. Enough, I feel bad and I don’t want others to feel bad, I’m not going. I want to find a motorcycle jacket, and what would be really cool is to find some combat boots; I think that is what they are called, like doc martens. I want shorter ones, my 12 hole boots are nice, I love them, but they take too long to put on/take off. I am digging the shorter ones that aren’t real leather. I hate to admit this because I am obsessed with moto style jackets and it seems like everyone looks good in them, but I know I personally look better in the standard zip up “leather” jackets. Doesn’t matter, I want a slim fitting motorcycle jacket, this one right in front of my eyes for just $40, and I’m buying this pair of 8 eyelet boots too. I might feel like death incarnate, but in a day or two, I’ll have some awesome presents to myself delivered right to me and that makes me feel good.

I need rest, I feel like I can’t even function enough to do the smallest tasks. Good night self; it’s bedtime at 8 p.m. tonight. _____________

I feel good today, well I didn’t feel the best this morning, but I have started to feel better today, I think the ibuprofen right away helped, and I still feel kind of cold, but at least I’m not shivering. It kind of hurts when I go to the bathroom though, like right when I finish peeing, it stings, and I saw blood in my urine this morning. I hope that goes away. The bad thoughts are creeping in, but I am too much in a slightly recovering/slightly still sick state of mind to give it much thought.

Tomorrow will be a lift in spirits since I can dress up and forget everything for a few hours, just enjoy the night. Someone online said what I was going through (what I AM going through) could just be a panic attack of sorts since it seemed to only last a couple days, but I have panic and anxiety attacks weekly, I know them from start to finish, I have the flu, some strangely short flu. ______________

Ok, in my obsessive mind, I need to count off to make sure I have everything. I have my teeth in perfectly fit to my canines, I have my tailed black jacket on, over my white button up cotton shirt, I have my black leggings on and my long boots all laced up. My white gloves are set neatly next to my keys and vaporizer along with my fake blood and wallet. Perfect, that is everything.

I feel like I came back with a vengeance now that I feel a little better, or at least a part of me did. I probably looked at too many videos and pictures on Tumblr of naked people doing adult things, because I need something, I NEED someone to be with. I tell myself I have “bad thoughts” sometimes, but I almost think I’m being unfair or a little juvenile to myself, it isn’t bad thoughts, it’s just that I guess I am sensitive because when I say hi to a girl or guy online I take it personally when they are standoffish or ignore me, and I tell myself I’m not good enough or not attractive enough to have someone. It’s unfair to myself because when I tell myself that the anxious thinking is “bad thoughts”, I know it only makes things worse, and it is bizarre that I am the first to correct someone else downplaying depression or anxiety, but I do it to myself. Understand my actions, and forgive my thoughts, that’s what I have to tell myself. I should put eyeliner on, it makes me look sexier, and that is what Halloween is all about, being sexy, scary, or both.

Here I go, the sexy, scary vampire with dark red hair and blood under my mouth along with a line of blood on my right pointer finger so I can look at people (kids mostly, I hope that isn’t too harsh) and pretend I am “shushing” them when I walk by, as if saying “don’t tell anyone I am a vampire”. It is silly, but I think it is creative too, and I like it, I think that is all that matters.

There is a lot of people out tonight, and If I am being honest, I’m digging a lot of the costume choices some of the adults are wearing. There is a young looking guy who is actually extremely cute, wearing a Holden Caulfield costume that he must have made and I don’t think many people recognize who he is, but I do and I love it, especially the tight white shirt pressed against his thin but not skinny body, and his abs gently pressed against it. A couple yards down, there is a young woman I assume in her mid 20’s that is wearing a storm trooper costume, with white and black shiny leather pants; from behind, her butt is small, but looks amazing in them, I’d join the dark side for her any day. Observing never hurt anyone, as long as it’s only to ourselves, I just enjoy watching.

________________

It’s Friday, finally the weekend is just about here and to make things even better, I think my flu is gone, I don’t feel bad this morning. I think more than anything, going back to work is the best part, I don’t like sitting at home and having nothing to do besides sleep and schedule clients or bookkeep. My employees are great and they handle the café just fine, but I like having interaction with customers, I am too social to lay idle and alone. I get to go to the meeting tonight, I never thought I would actually be excited to go to meetings in my younger years, but I am now. Tonight has no topic, it is just an open meeting without ties to one certain substance or topic, and I have been going there the longest, it is definitely my favorite one, especially since I am one of the members that has the longest time, even at only 26 years old. I get to see friends and people I’ve grown close to for so long and I am actually excited about it, I really am.

Bad thoughts, or actually anxious thoughts are back. I want to talk to customers and I want to make everyone around me happy, but it is hard when you are afraid for your life. I am not scared that someone is gonna kill me and this isn’t even a “vision” or anything supernatural like that, I am afraid that for no reason at all, I’m going to fall dead right here and someone that cares about me will find me; my therapist said I should talk myself down when I feel like this, I feel crazy talking to myself in my own head, narrating what is happening right in front of me, or at least what my mind tells me is GOING to happen, but she says it works, so here I am. I am afraid, I have fear and I have other things, but fear is what I recognize right now. I have fear that I am going to suffocate because my throat is closing up and I feel like I am gasping for air. I have fear that I am going to meet someone one day and whether it is a boy or girl I am not sure, but I am going to meet someone and they will get tired of me and either cheat on me or leave me because I am not good enough. I have sadness. I am sad because my mind reminds me of when I was 18 and my father shot himself, then my mother broke down and couldn’t fend for herself any longer and I felt that it was my fault since he knew I like both genders and even though he always loved me and has gay friends, he probably didn’t want his own child to be “different”. I have fear that my business will fail because there is so many bigger places out there and it isn’t like I have the means to ACTUALLY compete with them. I have pain, physical, because I cut myself on a hard plastic cup this morning. I am fearful that someone will want to be with me one day and find out that I am not a tough, emotionless business owner who can take on anything, inside I am vulnerable and just as scared of life and of failure and everything else, just like the next person would be. Breathing, deep breaths, it’s ok, I don’t need to revert to fight or flight, I am safe, there is no tiger in the room with me, I am going to be alright, just breathe, take time, be ok for yourself and smile, even if you aren’t happy, it helps. I had some nausea, and my hands were shaking, but it is going away. Just breathe. I am going to be fine.

The day went better after breathing, imagine that. Just a reflective thought; I guess my therapist was right too, about talking myself through it. This meeting will be nice, I need it. Sue has a year tonight, I just remembered that, I always liked her, I am proud of her. Lots of friendly, or at very least familiar faces tonight, I like it, it makes me feel comfortable. The chairs in the room are all in a sort of square-ish circle, so everyone is in front no matter what. I guess I’ll take the seat near the windows since someone else is in my normal chair; no big deal. These groups are run by a therapist, but she is late today, and John is pretty talkative about his interest in the fact that I go skydiving sometimes. You would think I would be terrified of it, but it is somewhat in a crazy way, therapeutic to me.

Someone new is walking in, I’ve never seen him. He has tattoos across his right arm, all in a Japanese style. He looks like he could be Hispanic or maybe slight Japanese himself, and the shirt he is wearing is tight against his body. He is sitting next to me, I don’t know if this is the best or worst thing that could happen here. His hair is dark brown, but he is wearing a grey beanie that sits slouched on his head, and he has muscles, but they are not some obscene or ridiculous size, it is like they are just there, like he was born that way and everyone just accepts it. I guess the therapist is here, I didn’t even see her walk in. What is wrong with me? I’m not lusting after this new guy, I am not even imagining what is under his black straight leg jeans or taking him home, it is like a puppy that you want to grab up and snuggle, and yet it is also like seeing your best friend that you love unconditionally and can’t hide your excitement seeing them. I can’t pretend I don’t find him hot though, so it must be lusting, yet it seems like so much more.

He talks to the group, and his voice is just slightly higher than you would expect, for some reason it makes me worse, I don’t know why. He has 3 months now, I am proud of him even though I don’t even know him. An hour has passed, only half that time left and I’ve been secretly watching him whenever I can, he laughs sometimes, but it is more like a snort, I feel like I’m writing a fucking cheap romance novel in my own head, and I am a teenager who has no idea what love is, or has never seen a damn attractive person before this moment. I feel it, this is not good, I feel the shivering and the ache coming back to me, I didn’t take any medication today and It is back; or it never left. I have the sickness still, why do I have to have this now? Why did I have to find out that I have the flu when I am just trying to enjoy a meeting and especially when this boy is next to me? It is almost over, I won’t see him again possibly, I might never see him again, I hate this. Why can’t I just know if he will be back next week? Or if he will go to any other meetings of mine? Or come to my café, something, anything. I can’t let him go, I can’t let him leave me, not like this, not alone and without any goodbye or I’ll see you again. I haven’t even said word to him, so he doesn’t know I exist except right here and right now; I don’t even know if he likes girls or boys, but it doesn’t matter, I just want him to be near me again. It is over, we are closing up , he can’t leave, what do I do? He is drinking a cup of coffee, I could tell him to come to my café maybe? No, there is only one way I know he will take a part of me with him. When he isn’t looking and no one else is either, I first wipe my own mouth, then place my saliva along with anything else inside it on his cup, right where he will have no choice but to unknowingly have a part of me in his own body. He takes a drink before he even leaves the room, It was perfect. I don’t feel anxious now, at least not at the moment. I don’t know why I did what I did, and I certainly don’t understand the lack of guilt, but I actually feel good, I feel confident in myself, I feel strong! I feel like it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me, I feel, I feel normal.

_____________

It has been a week, and I feel like it is the best week I’ve had in as long as I can remember. I am wearing the boots and jacket I got last week, I love them and I'll be damned if this jacket doesn't look amazing on me! I am home, I am happy and safe, and I heard some news at my meeting tonight that put a smile on my face. Harrie had a discussion with me about his rough week with his job and brought up that someone I might have met, a young man named Porter who has three months and comes to group sometimes caught some rare flu that progressed into pneumonia, he has been in the emergency room for 4 days now, and it doesn’t look good, his throat is closed up and his body is failing him. His immune system, probably from the opiates isn’t as strong as most, and he’ll be lucky to make it to next week. I'm not scared, no one would accuse me, no one even knew of what I went through. And now, Porter will always have a part of me with him, I wish the roles could be shared, but it is perfect this way.

I was wrong before, thank god I was, and it was just my anxious thoughts telling me lies. I did find someone and they didn't leave me, I WAS good enough and I always will be, I don't need to worry of them growing bored with me, I am finally enough.

[thevirgodoll]

I need advice for confronting my friend about skipping meals, it gets pretty awkward and she brushes everything off. The anon reminded me to ask you for help about this.

This is a very, VERY touchy subject and I know you know this. I’m happy you approached me with this because this is directly up my alley in subject matter.

PSA: With things like self harm behaviors, understand that it’s difficult to get a loved one to admit it’s happening because of the brain’s response towards confronting it: shame, guilt, and burdensome feelings. And if she has been doing this awhile, by now her brain has been conditioned to use this as a positive coping mechanism because it relieves her of whatever is going on in her life...

So try not to be too hard on her. I know a lot of people get easily frustrated and place blame but perspective and empathy is extremely necessary if you’re going to be here for the long haul because this is not something that she can just stop doing. In the past, people were very ignorant about any self harm behavior so I really had to get that off of my chest so you could approach it correctly.

Things to know and consider:

Think of her history. Has there been any life changes? Has she ever had mental health problems? What has happened before the eating habits?

•Something deeper is usually going on when an eating disorder actually occurs. It is not about food entirely, it’s about emotional eating and lack thereof depending on which ED it is. Now sometimes it’s not always due to the person’s own doing (some medications can create issues), but most of the time it’s due to an underlying problem that has been going on for a long time.

•She may withdraw from social interactions as a result of this disorder. This is a symptom of her illness.

•Often times, eating disorders are coupled with depression and anxiety. So keep in mind, her mind is a hard place to be right now if this is the case.

•EDs can create a need for control. If she feels out of control in an area of her life, in some way, it helps her feel in control of something.

Symptoms to check off (not all have to be marked; this is for everyone’s reference to keep and have):

•Fear of weight gain to the point of obsession

-> conversations pertain to cleaner eating or wanting to look better, expresses disdain

-> obsessed with fitness or diet apps to the point of concern

•Excessive exercising

-> upset if they cannot exercise

-> increases exercise, but avoids increasing calories or is on a fad diet/extreme regiment in an unhealthy manner

•Irrational perception of body weight or image

-> checking body fat, tugging on skin

•Weight gain

-> compulsive eating, large quantities of food

•Lying about eating habits or downplaying them

•Food often on mind or always an issue

•Skipping meals often or rationalize skipping meals

•Cutting food into pieces to make it less obvious that it’s not as much food

-> habitually does this or only eats certain portions, weird rituals around foods, maybe a lot of condiments

•Avoiding eating with other people

-> goes to the bathroom often during meals

-> gets upset during meals if certain meals aren’t available, refuses to even eat

•Hiding food

•Fatigue, lack of concentration, irritation

•Uncharacteristic social withdrawal and isolation

-> A note about mood: Extremely depressed or seems extremely energetic depending on mental state. Mental health concerns are definitely there.

-> Caffeine may be involved if they are overly hyperactive to lose more weight

So, keep in mind that it’s not just one type of eating disorder which is why I included many different signs off the top of my head. Sometimes, people are unaware that their behaviors are unhealthy until it’s too late. Some people won’t accept they have an eating disorder, especially black women.

Something to know: Black women, regardless of specific nationality or ethnic background, tend to have a certain culture around food, so eating disorders with Black women are often overlooked. Black women adopt cultural values that are linked with binge eating disorders, and are at high risk for emotional eating. Many will not ask for help. The stereotype continues to be that it is just the Black woman being “fat” or “needs meat on her bones”.

Why? It is due to the societal and cultural expectation. Most women in media are depicted as white, skinny women or plus size white women for opposite ends of the body image / ED spectrum.

However, the culture around Black female bodies is something to be acknowledged... the rates of “thick” vs. “skinny” body image problems regarding Black women. Anorexia is the rarest disorder amongst Black women, and Binge eating is the most prevalent.

What To Do Now?

When someone downplays an eating disorder despite you pointing out the symptoms, it’s not personal. It is a symptom of their illness. Persistence and empathy is key. Take a different approach than aggression in order to get them to open up.

Do not say how they look when starting your sentences...they have a perception already of how they look and it won’t work. Do not say what they “should” do for your benefit of seeing them well, this will come off aggressive. They will tune you out, and feel like a burden. If anything, you want to put your empathy above all. Do not frame their behavior as something malicious that they are doing to you. These approaches are often used and alienate the person, which makes the process longer. No ultimatums also. People always say “if you do this again I will stop being your friend.” It ruins it and drives people to more self harm behaviors often or worse, suicide / hospitalization due to feeling alone (more than they already do). Do not do this!

Have patience, move forward with love, and involve empathy not pity or demeaning language. Avoid “should”, “need”, and “you don’t”. Just speak from a place of concern, because that’s your primary feeling. No lecturing, no criticizing. Pick a private place, where they will be calm. NO OFFERING SOLUTIONS! It’s about offering SUPPORT! Do not tell them what they have to do! Just use “I” statements only! If there is resistance, again, be patient because this is hard for THEM! I say this with a lot of conviction because it is extremely serious!

Example: “Hey ____, I’m really worried about you. Perhaps I am wrong in my observations, but this is what I see(*this allows them to not feel defensive*). I feel like you are struggling with something(gives them the chance to open up). I want to help you and I am here for you.”

Example: “Hey ____, I really wanted to speak to you. I feel like something is going on. It’s hard for me to see you unhappy (observation of how they have been acting, no weight comments). It’s really scary to watch you skip meals sometimes(shows that you are concerned and have noticed). I want to help you. I want you to know I’m here for whatever you want to do. I’m listening to you.” *The ending gives them an opportunity to feel supported because they are. If they show response to wanting to take the next step / or open up to you about the eating disorder then say this: “I’ll even go to the doctor with you. I will be in the appointment.” And please go with them!

Good luck and keep me updated! We should all stick together on mental health (especially us black women.) Always send me questions like this!!! ❣️

xo, thevirgodoll ❤️

*If anyone is curious as to why I’m so knowledgeable, I’m a psychology major girl, I had research ready before I answered because I already did research on this topic a long time ago in an essay for black women and EDs. I got my clinical reference from earlier lol -> clinical reference to black women and eating disorders link study

[afootnotetoallthisnoise-blog]

on ‘lady bird’, ‘love, simon’, and teenagers’ relationships on film

(Plug: this new YouTuber is way better at analysing film/TV than I am.)

I just watched Lady Bird and Love, Simon on a flight to New York, and since both films are deeply preoccupied with teenagers’ platonic, romantic, and familial relationships, I wanted to look at what I thought was original and fresh about these films’ perspectives – and what was more derivative and inauthentic.

i. parent-child relationships: attention and complexity

Lady Bird is centred around the titular girl and her developing identity, relationships and aspirations through her final year of high school. Easily the deepest and most emotionally arresting aspect of Lady Bird is Christine’s, or ‘Lady Bird’s’, relationships with her family, particularly her mother, Marion. This film works hard to expand a turbulent mother-daughter relationship past the simple archetypes of ‘moody teenage daughter’ and ‘unreasonable bitch mother’, into a more complex, three-dimensional whole which incorporates both the faults and the humanity that both characters have. Not only are both characters viewed singly as well as in relation to each other – LB is not solely ‘Marion’s daughter’, Marion does not solely exist as ‘LB’s mother’ – the film moves past a simply summed-up conflict into a more complicated picture, where both LB and Marion are driven by desires, fears and anxieties they can’t completely articulate to themselves, but which drive conflict both through difference in perspective and through inability to communicate.

There are painful, powerful, intense moments in Lady Bird where LB and Marion are struggling to communicate, to reconcile their differing views and convey themselves properly. LB’s confused but intense desire to go to New York, a place where she believes she will experience things which constitute ‘life’, exists alongside Marion’s grief at LB’s ostensible rejection of the life she has worked to give her, and neither are made out to be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. They love each other deeply, but they can’t articulate the fears, anxieties, and stubborn desires which complicate their relationship, so their silent moments of shared, intense emotion – like the audiobook at the beginning of the film – are coupled with frustrated moments of crosstalk, mutual misunderstanding, hurt, affront, and anger. LB, as a self-centred, self-discovering adolescent, often fails to think about how her actions and speech are affecting her family, whilst Marion’s worry and care about LB manifest in being overly critical – she seems completely incapable of speaking positively to LB, including a deeply painful moment where she refuses to compliment LB’s prom dress.

They both reminded me of real people I know, real pangs of discomfort I’ve felt hearing a family friend speak slightly disparagingly about her daughter’s university chances, or an old acquaintance roll his eyes at his parents’ careful efforts to help him. It felt so refreshing seeing that complexity get handled on film – often parents are just supplementary figureheads in their child’s story (or vice versa), and if the film is interested in the parent-child relationship, it rarely gets its teeth into the sheer nastiness which can come out in certain parent-child relationships. There are, of course, teenager-centric films which get into complex parent-child dynamics – the differing burdens of childhood illness on parents and children, like in The Fault in Our Stars; parents’ work intersecting with children’s feelings of neglect, like in Coraline; radical inability to communicate or understand, e.g. The Virgin Suicides – but that richness of both love and frustration on both sides is a rare thing to see.

Love, Simon isn’t aiming to be as deep on this matter as Lady Bird, but it still has its own insights. Mostly Simon’s family is pretty happy and saccharine, but when Simon comes out, I think Simon’s father’s reaction – garbling a joke, panicking, leaving, shutting down – showed excellent acting and direction: it did what most good acting does, which is to break down a dichotomy of response (here, between the coming-out reactions of ‘I love you and everything’s fine’ and ‘BEGONE FROM THE PREMISES, DEMON GAY’). That confused, choked response conveyed the rush of forces acting on Simon’s father: desire to defuse the tension, desire to support, desire to downplay the situation, confusion, shock, grief at the reality of change, grief at the loss of a presumed similarity, grief that he hadn’t realised sooner. I’m sure more realistic reactions like that have happened in films before, but I haven’t personally seen any, and I found it refreshing: it broke down the scripted feel of both overly saccharine and uniformly harsh reactions, both of which close the door to further growth and development in the parents’ reaction to their child’s queerness.

ii. romantic relationships: centrality, development

In Love, Simon, there are tropes present, but I liked how it approached some aspects of teenagers’ romantic relationships. The ambiguity about Blue’s identity meant that we got a different model for how relationships can develop, pertinent in an age where dating is conceptualised as mainly visual (think the structure of apps like Tinder) and connection is determined through in-person interaction, but where, conversely, deep, lasting relationships have developed without that visual focus since the advent of the internet (through MMORPGs like World of Warcraft, for instance). The bit at the end was cheesy, but that’s what they were going for, and it was so sweet to watch.

Most of the other romantic stuff was pretty run-of-the-mill – the couple who like each other but things keep getting in the way; the unrequited crush; etc – but there’s one other aspect I’d like to mention, which is how Simon’s falling-out with his friends is handled about 2/3 of the way through the film. A less nuanced film would just have Abby, Leah, and Nick getting pissed that Simon meddled in Abby and Nick’s relationship, without them understanding about Simon’s bind due to Martin’s blackmail. But what I liked was that both Abby and Leah acknowledge the pressure that the blackmail put on Simon, but they make clear that it doesn’t excuse his disrespect for both Abby (by treating her like a ‘piece of meat’ to be given to Martin in exchange for his own safety) and Leah (by sending her on a date with a man he thought she loved, knowing that he wasn’t interested in her). It’s not the tired ‘it’s all a misunderstanding, guys’ conflict: they understand what happened, but they still argue that Simon’s disrespect for their own romantic lives and autonomy wasn’t okay.

While Love, Simon is dually focused on Simon’s coming out and his budding relationship – though the two threads aren’t separate – LB’s relationships in Lady Bird are significant but aren’t the central focus of the movie, which I liked; while it makes sense for a romantic relationship to be central to Love, Simon, since it’s a sensible mode within which to discover something like queerness (which is intrinsically tied up with your relationships to other people), Lady Bird’s focus on self-discovery works better with the romantic relationships not being central, otherwise it would perpetuate the tired stereotype that a woman’s ‘coming of age’ has to be pretty-much-entirely experienced through falling in love with a man. (It being central is fine, but I don’t like the implications that somehow, teenage girls cannot Mature into Full Human Beings unless a dude and his dick shows up.) LB’s two relationships are with the too-perfect-guy and the douchebag-who-doesn’t-give-a-shit, neither of which provide really new perspectives on teenagers’ romantic relationships – neither character has much depth in the film, either – but I thought the sex scene and its aftermath was very well done: LB’s recognition that the performative significance she’d given her first sexual experience was different from the reality, and her recognition that the guy she’d slept with wasn’t worth the language she’d inherited for it, rang very true. (Also, the situation bore out some excellent humour. ‘I was on top! Who the hell is on top for their first time?!’)

iii. friendships: the status problem

I think Lady Bird is a great film, but the part I found the least inspiring was LB’s friendship arc. I’m pretty sick of this formula: protagonist is best friends with good, loyal, but low-status friend/s -> protagonist manages to get in with the popular kids and abandons their low-status friend/s -> protagonist realises popular kids are shallow assholes and they’ve made a horrible mistake -> protagonist apologetically returns to low status friend/s, there is a bit of anger and conflict, but eventually they all make nice. I’m sick of it because I feel like it doesn’t ring true.

Now, I have been through secondary school, recently though not overly so (I graduated from sixth form in 2015). I know that status is a thing in secondary school and that it exerts an influence. But I dislike this ubiquitous storyline which implies that a) every school conforms to a rigid hierarchy of popularity and that b) literally everyone gives a shit about improving their status. I found Love, Simon’s group of four much more authentic in this regard: ultimately, Simon’s group of four just enjoy each other’s company, rather than being rigidly grouped based on status or fitting a recognised ‘type’. Depicting popularity as being present but not all-encompassing seems to resonate more with how my school worked, where there were recognisable groups but a lot of boundary-blurring, and where different subcultures could - usually - peacefully coexist alongside each other.

Because it adheres closely to the student-social-climber model, the astounding depth of familial relationships and notable depth of romantic relationships in Lady Bird isn’t replicated in LB’s friendships. Not every character needs to be an incredibly complex seventeen-year-old (I’m fine with Kyle just being a bit of a bored poser), but I feel like the film either tried and failed to give Jenna depth or just agreed she wouldn’t have any, and I feel like it would have really served the story for LB to realise that the girl at the top of the totem pole actually had problems and internal conflict, despite her status and wealth. As it is, she just stays ‘bored rich chick’ from beginning to end. Julie isn’t given as much depth as she could be either – all her appearances just seem to reinforce ‘sweet nerd archetype’, and no attention is given to her own brief romantic relationship and romantic turmoil - though I don’t begrudge them the prom scene (it was very sweet).

Overall, I didn’t realise just how refreshing it would feel to see a group of friends who experience growth, development and conflict, but who also just really like getting iced coffee together! And the fact that it did highlights a problem with friendship stereotypes in high school movies.

[doriansbutt]

holy fuck this is long as hell.  i got bored and burned out from this so i didn’t answer all 119 questions.  but i answered 85 of them.  so here: a long look at alaric.  also fuck the formatting i had to to thru and number and space all of these myself and then tumblr fucked it so....deal with it.

1. What is their full name? Alaric Baasch Floros

2. Zodiac sign Aquarius 

3. In detail describe how they look  Six feet (183 cm), well-muscled, brown skin, long green hair often worn in a braid or ponytail, undercut and short sideburns.  The hair on his upper lip grows faster than the other parts of his beard.  His right eye is green and his left is gold.  Also his nails are always painted dark colors, most often black.

4. How old are they?

30

5. What clothes to they like to wear?

Just whatever he finds laying around.  He has no fashion sense.  As long as it’s clothes, he’ll put it on.  Sometimes it’s not even clothes.  He’ll fuckin wear a curtain as a cloak or something.  Honestly, he’d walk around in the nude if he could.  He doesn’t give a fuck about clothes.  He doesn’t even tie his shoes.

6. What’s their favorite piece of clothing?

His sheer tank top.  It used to be really sparkly, but over the years it’s kinda lost it’s sparkle.  It’s also getting baggier.  But he don’t give a shit.  He’ll wear that thing until it’s just threads.  And even then, he’ll figure out some way to still wear it.

7. Any piercings? 

Many!  His lobes are gauged, and on his right ear, the cartilage is pierced 3 times, and his left it’s 4 times.  He also has a septum piercing and his right eyebrow is pierced twice horizontally so it looks like 4 studs.

8. Do they have any other jewelry they wear?

He wears a long chain necklace and an emerald necklace on a leather strap, as well as many rings he just sort of throws on.  Sometimes he wears a gold bangle, too.

9. Any tattoos?

No, but he does want some.  He just doesn’t know what to get, so he hasn’t gotten any yet

10. What do they smell like?

Allspice, ginger, cinnamon, or lavender.  Depends on the day or what he’s been doing.

11. What are their four trinkets?

Blackberry tart, well-worn deck of playing cards, small sewing kit, and a small bag of dried lavender leaves.

12. GOVERNMENT MANDATED FURSONA 

Cat?  Some kind of big cat.

13. What kind of magic are they good at?

Illusion

14. What kind of magic are they bad at?

Water :/

15. Of the four, six or seven magical elements which are they most connected to? Four: fire,air water earth. six: fire,air,water, wood,earth, metal. Seven:fire, air, water, wood, earth, metal, aither.

Most connected to air and earth

17. Do they have a familiar? If they do. What type of animal is it? What is it’s name? Is it still around after they lost their memory? (Ignoring my suspicion Faust is actually the apprentice’s familiar and not Asra’s) Alaric has a cat named Mithra.  He’s a dark blue-grey Abyssinian with green eyes.  His favorite spot was perched on Alaric’s shoulders. Asra keeps him safe but away from Alaric for fear of triggering memories too soon.  But he’s made sure Mithra is cared for until he thinks Alaric is ready.  He tried once and it didn’t end well. Hopefully he’ll be ready soon. 18. Have they ever cursed someone? Yeah, he’s petty af. 19. How do they handle those headaches/migraines? Not well.  He’s never really been one to make a big deal about pain, so he tends to downplay it, but inside he’s miserable.  And a bit anxious because Asra makes a big deal out of them and stuff.  But he keeps a little bag of lavender on him which helps ease the pain a bit. 20. What tarot card do they connect the most with? The Hermit (according to a quiz, I really don’t know.)  Maybe the Chariot? I’m bad at this stuff. 21. Where were they born? Somewhere not Vesuvia? I don’t know anything more than that... 22. What is their favorite color? Light blue and light/pale yellow 23. What is their least favorite color? Brown 24. Are they right handed, left handed or ambidextrous? Right handed 25. What were they like as a child? Charismatic, which hasn’t changed.  He could talk his way out of anything.  And he needed to use that skill a lot since he’d get into trouble a lot.  He was also very inquisitive and often bothered people with constant questions.  Once he was able to read, it was impossible to find him without a book.  Eventually, he sort of isolated himself and drifted apart from most everyone in his life before coming to Vesuvia. 26. What were their parents like? His parents were kind-hearted and a little eccentric, one a magician and one a baker (tho still a magician, but not as powerful). 27. Do they have any siblings? If the answer is yes how many? Nope! He’s an only child. 28. Do they have any other relatives they are close with? His aunt, the former owner of the shop in Vesuvia. 29. What are they afraid of? Dying.  But also spiders and enclosed/tight spaces. 30. What do they identify as? Sort of male, gay af. 31. Do they have any allergies?  Yep!  Bees (beeswax and stings), sunflower seeds, strawberries, and tomatoes. None of them are deadly allergies besides bee stings.   32. Do they have any other medical problems? Mild asthma 33. What about mental health issues?  Anxiety 34. What’s that personal hygiene regimen like?  He loves baths.  He may be a garbageboy stinkman in the fashion department, but not in the personal hygiene department. 35. Favorite rock or gemstone?  Emerald and fluorite 36. Favorite tree? Anything climbable 37. Favorite type of weather? Warm weather, not humid.  Rain or shine, as long as it’s warm, he’s happy. 38. Least favorite type of weather? Hot and humid, or cold.  He’s a whiny baby in the cold. 39. What is their favorite season? (remember winter is summer and spring is fall) Winter, then. 40. How many languages could they speak before the memory loss? How many do they currently speak? Several, mostly learned through books.  He still knows most of them but he’s not entirely sure how. 41. Do they sing or play any instruments? Lute! Or, really any plucked string instrument.  His voice is pretty good, as well. 42. What do they tend to joke about? Anything and everything, tbh. 43. After a stressful day how do they relax? Naps, sleepy cuddles, just straight up sleep...anything lazy. 44. Guilty pleasures? Smutty literature. 45. idiosyncrasies/quirks? Wears a shit ton of jewelry, taps his toes when nervous, terrible liar, instrument prodigy but only with various plucked string instruments, wears whatevers around as clothes (sometimes not even his, sometimes not even clothes). He’ll also play with his hair and if he’s wearing it either down or in a simple ponytail, he’ll wind up with little random braids by the end of the day. 46. How do they act when they first meet someone new? How quickly do they warm up to them? He’s very charming and charismatic, so he makes friends easily. 47. In what order would they prioritize Love, fame, money, power, and knowledge? Love, knowledge, power, money, fame 48. List four or more things they love to do Reading, walking around the marketplace, cuddling w Asra, practicing magic, eating good food 49. List four or more things they hate to do Making food, socializing w annoying/judgmental people, doing readings for people who aren’t serious about it, dealing with ignorant customers 50. List five or more things they have said that sum up who they are “Let me help you.” ; “I can do this.” ; “You’ll have to try harder than that.” ; “You really wanna try that?” ; “I promise.” 51. How do they react to (both verbal and physical) conflict? He gets really anxious, though he’s good at covering it up.  He’ll play with the hem of his shirt or strap of his bag, which will be subtle but if you know to look, you can tell he’s anxious.  He’ll handle it in the moment and seem level-headed, but as soon as he’s alone it’s like all that anxiety comes rushing in and he’ll either get really on-edge or have a full-blown panic attack. 52. What kind of bad habits to they have? He taps his fingers a lot, mostly on hard surfaces to hear the noise.  Just picking up random clothes-like things and wearing them as clothes.  Inappropriate humor at times.  Not taking things seriously.  53. What kind of character faults do they have? Kind of aimless, reckless, smart ass, petty 54. What’s their best trait in their opinion? His charisma.  He’s very personable, and he loves the perks that gets him sometimes.  55. What do they think of their appearance? He’s pretty chill about it.  No real qualms, tbh.  He thinks about cutting his hair sometimes, but other than that, his pretty okay with how he looks. 56. How do they interact with people in a position of authority?  Respectful, unless they’re fucking with him, then he’ll be unhelpful.  But mostly he’s really respectful.   57. Who did they look up to as a kid? Not anyone particular, but his parents were probably up there at some point. 58. How do they interact with kids? He’s super fun around kids.  Patient and playful. 59. Do they want kids of their own someday? Yeah! He’d love to be a dad someday. 60. Are they religious? If so what god/goddess or gods/goddesses do they worship? Not...really? 61. What do they think the meaning of life is? Just...do good.  Be good.  Make the world a little bit brighter. 62. What would they want their last words to be? Probably a declaration of love tbh.  Or an apology.  Some reassurance to whoever’s there that it’ll be okay. 63. What do they want to do before they die? Just….find happiness.  And remember.  64. What/how do they want to be remembered for after they die? A friend. 65. How do they express affection? He’s very physical with his affection.  Hugs and cuddles and hand holding and kisses, etc. 66. What do they normally eat for breakfast? Eggs if he can get them, or bread (preferably pumpkin). 67. Do they like spicy food? Yeah! 68. Favorite fruit and/or vegetable? Blackberries! 69. Do they like sweets? Yeah, but not too much.  He’s more of a spicy (and spice-y) guy. 70. Do they drink alcohol? If they do, what do they act like when their drunk? Yeah, he prefers mead/ale over wine.  And drunk, he’s just...a lot more affectionate than normal.  Blushy, loud, affectionate mess. 71. How do they take their tea/coffee? Both with milk and sugar (or honey in tea). 72. What food would they refuse to eat? Well, things he’s allergic to, for sure.  And he’s not a huge fan of seafood.  So if there’s another option, he’s gonna refuse the seafood.   73. Is there anything they eat that most people would find unappealing? His favorite food is called ‘beef rolls’, which kinda sounds like a hamburger patty on a stick which sounds a little unappealing just...with words.  He also likes to eat just a handful of olives.  Boy loves olives. 74. When going on the road what food could they not live without? Bread. 75. What meal gives them a sense of nostalgia? Blackberry tarts.  He loves them and they take him back but he’s not sure where they’re taking him or why... 76. What do they do when no one’s around? Relax, sleep, or read.   77. How would they react if a prized possession got stolen? Panic.  A lot. 78. What’s the first thing they would buy if they won the lottery? Asra would probably suggest he finally buy new clothes.  But Alaric would probably buy...idk.  A new building for his shop?  Or maybe just like better supplies/furnishings/etc for his shop?  He honestly doesn’t worry about wealth that much; he’s happy with what he has, for the most part. 79. What would their favorite modern invention be? Snapchat bc he gotta show everyone how cute he is, especially w those filters. 80. In a new unfamiliar place what do they do? Explore.  Look around in wonder.  He loves new and unfamiliar places.  Especially if there’s an air of mystery or danger around them. 81. Someone just threatened them what do they do? Arch an eyebrow in suspicion. Just a silent “really, bitch?” 82. A rather well rich looking woman just dropped her purse and didn’t notice. What do they do? Unless he’s seen her be an awful person, he’ll return it. 83. Someone just stole food from them what do they do? Unless it’s pumpkin bread or beef rolls, he’ll just let them have it tbh.  Otherwise, you bet your buttons he’ll demand its return. 84. They meet a man at a crossroads. The man says they can have everything they’ve ever wanted. What happens next? Right off the bat, he’ll be dismissive.  He doesn’t want for anything, really.  After a second or two of thought, he’ll probably ask if he can have his memories back, and what the price would be for that... 85. As a child what would they say they wanted to be as an adult?  ie. When I grow up I’m going to _______ He always wanted to be a magician, though when he was younger, he wanted more to be like a powerful, terrifying warlock.  He’s happy with being just a humble magician in a little shop with Asra. 86. What’s their D&D alignment? Neutral good

[contradictoryenigmas]

2020 Postmortem: 10 Questions

2020. A year that did not go as planned. Okay, I am massively downplaying just what a complete shitshow it was. The best way I can describe is that episode of Seinfeld where George declares it to be the "Summer of George", only to have him in a hospital bed towards the end, disappointed that it didn't work out.

When I started writing this year's 10 questions piece, I wasn't sure how it would form considering most of the year was spent at home, trying to survive. But the result is the longest 10 questions to date. Guess I had a lot to get out there.

Author's Note: If you are new to this or want to take a look back at previous pieces, you can click on the links here: 2017, 2018, and 2019.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

I should start with one of the major elephants in the room. Since March 12th, I have been working from home. The day before, all of us at work got an email from the home office in the United Kingdom saying the offices there and in the U.S. would be closed for a time to protect employees from the growing spread of COVID-19.  Many of us thought we would be back in the office in a month or so. Oh boy, how wrong we were considering later that day, news would come out that Tom Hanks and his wife contracted the virus and the NBA would suspend their season after a player tested positive.

Not being in an office has some significant downsides for me. For one, it was the place where I interacted with people outside of close family. Now, the only real interaction I do with co-workers is either over email or Microsoft Teams, mostly dealing with work stuff. I worry this long period of isolation will hurt my social abilities, which to be fair were at negative levels when I had started this job last year, but were improving. The other is losing the separation between work and home. Since coming home and spending time in my room as an office and place to rest, my anxiety and feelings that I should be working started to come in. Some of this was alleviated by me setting some ground rules such as having a hard stop. But those feelings are still there and likely hampered efforts to try and relax.

Most of my work for the year was spent on three big projects that would set the course for the future of the company. Having this on the back of my shoulders added a bit of anxiety and drained me of a lot of energy. Every day, I found myself crashing in bed to take a quick nap so I could regain some energy.

That brings me to writing. 2020 I was hoping to get back to writing in a big way. Not only with automotive stuff, but doing some more with this blog and launching a new project. But with everything that has been going on this year, a lot of these ambitions had to be shelved. A lot of this stems from not having any energy or motivation to either start and/or finish various pieces. There would be moments where a burst of energy comes on and could I belt out a quick review or news story, but it was rare. At the end of this year, I have a bit of a backlog of new car reviews to get up. But at least I'm not pushing myself to the grindstone and getting them out. This only results in shoddy work and I feel quite bad.

For the personal blog, this is going to be the first and last piece for the year. It wasn't for the lack of trying. Several pieces currently sit on my laptop that are in varying states of completion, but again, I lacked the energy or motivation to go forward.

There are a couple of pieces I want to call out,

Afterthoughts: A Car In Troubled Times: This was written after my Grandfather passed away in June (not from COVID). With this and everything going on in the world, I wrote about how the car became a place where I could escape the world for a bit and work out various thoughts and feelings.

Quick Drive: 2020 Lexus RC F: My last new car review of the year and man what a car. I loved the throaty V8 engine and the grand touring nature of the suspension. I think the last line sums up my feelings about this car,

"It brought me the joy which sometimes is all you need a car to do."

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Getting back to reviewing vehicles on a somewhat regular basis

Saving enough money to move forward on finding my first apartment

I know that's only two, but I really can't think of anything else from this landfill fire of a year.

What are you really glad is over?

THE YEAR!  (cymbal crash)

Okay, that was obvious, so let go a bit deeper.

The mess of the 2020 elections are mercifully done. A lot of us knew this was going to be very different, but I don't think we knew how much it would be. Just look at the first debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Then election day rolls around and seeing the collective sadness rear its head as the first ballots are being counted, even though we knew that the mail-in ones were still waiting in the wings to be tallied. It took a few days, but the sense of jubilation when the results were leaning towards Biden was not all that surprising, considering the mess of the past four years. Whether or not this gets better remains to be seen.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

I touched on this with the first question, but loneliness has been a big issue. Not being able to interact with people outside of my own family has brought back memories of some of the dark days of depression where I wouldn't talk with anyone. Thankfully, I'm not fully returning to these ways. But I can't help but worry that my socials skills will be back at a negative level. Twitter and Instagram have filled in some of the missing social aspects, but I can only use it so much before feelings of "Fear of Missing Out" and not being able to interact in person. Also, the deluge of various events such as the killing of George Floyd and the election meant I had to turn off social media at times to allow time to process and work out various feelings.

My mental health has also taken a bit of a stumble. Various aspects of my ADHD have started to come back in force with procrastination, distractions, fear of rejection, and warped perception of time to name a few. There has also been a large amount of stress and anxiety to work through because of the year. I think it's a bad sign when your anxieties have their anxieties to deal with.

To top it off, it has been hard to find something to keep my mind occupied for longer than five minutes. I look at the number of books and video games currently sitting on shelves or stacked in the closet waiting to be open, or the various movies and TV shows I have in queues for various streaming services and my own media server. Yet, they are left untouched. I drift towards scrolling through various social media outlets or watching the same YouTube videos. I've been trying to figure out why these are my go-to and not the items listed above that would give the same pleasure and stimulation, but also open some new windows and ideas. I haven't fully figured it out yet, but I do have some clues and ideas as to why.

On the flip side, I'm very lucky that I am still employed. That may seem like a put-down, but out of my close family, I'm the only one who has stayed employed throughout the year. My mom's last day of school was the day I started working from home, and she wouldn't return until the start of the new year. Both my dad and brother had furloughs at their respective jobs during the late Spring.

I have been slowly messing around with some projects that I've been wanting to do. These include expanding my media sever collection to include music, cataloging various media so I stop buying duplicates,  and starting to explore various interests that I had when I younger.

Getting back to reviewing new cars has been quite enjoyable. Despite having a backlog that will not be finished till sometime in February or March, it has been fun again to figure out a vehicle's high and low points.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Nope.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Two things come to mind. First is that I don't need a firehose of information. I was subscribed to several sites through RSS and had many people I was following on Twitter to see what was happening. But this massive flow of information was only making my anxiety and stress worse. For the past month, I have started to unsubscribe to a number of newsletters and RSS feeds, along with culling down my Twitter following list.

Second is that I need to slow down. What I mean by this is I need to take my time and not focus on trying to finish everything as fast as possible so I move on to the next thing. There is something about taking a moment to breathe or letting things play out to a point to where you can jump in and provide a different point of view.

Who are the people that came through for you this year?

My therapist came through this year, transitioning from in-person visits to doing chats either through Zoom or on the phone - depending on whether or not either of us run into technical issues. They have been really helpful just listening to whatever was on my mind that week, and point out possible thoughts and directions to chew on to get me into a better place.

There is also a large number of people I interacted with that made the lockdown and isolation a little bit more bearable. Too many to list here, but I would like to say thank you to all.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Casiopea, Mint Jams: There is a person who I follow on Twitter that brings up Casiopea from time to time. This Japanese jazz fusion band has been around since 1976 and produced a number of albums. I had them in the back of my mind for a time to check, but wasn't until the fall when I started listening to Mint Jams - their seventh album (and I believe second live album). I immediately fell in love with the band after hearing the first track Take Me. Something about this brings absolute joy and pleasure. Since then, I have bought the CD and started to dive fully into the discography.

Yakuza Like A Dragon (Playstation 4): I don't know how to describe a game where one minute you're beating up criminals and the next minute you're trying to figure out who is urinating in a river. It seems ridiculous, but that's Yakuza Like a Dragon in a nutshell. There are moments of complete absurdity that is intertwined with tender and heartfelt moments as you interact with your compatriots. I'm currently on chapter five and finding new stuff to do such as a Mario Kart knockoff and running my own business, while trying to figure why I was betrayed by a father figure. It's chaotic and beautiful at the same time.

Zero 7, Simple Things: This album was the one I would play if I was feeling down or needed a reminder to slow down.

Growing Collection of Face Masks: If I am going to wear face masks to protect myself and others, I might as well have some interesting ones. Currently have around twenty masks that I wear and wash, all of them with some distinct pattern or fabric to have them stand out. I'm likely going to be buying a few more in the new year because I'm really like wearing them.

Honorable Mentions: Ghost of Tsushima; Animal Crossing: New Horizons; Paper Mario: The Origami King; Tatort - German Crime Drama; Motorweek's Retro Reviews on YouTube; Newton and the Counterfeiter by Thomas Levenson;  x + y: A Mathematician's Manifesto for Rethinking Gender by Eugenia Cheng (currently reading, may appear in my 2021 10 Questions).

What will you be leaving behind in 2020?

This one hurts but it is the "old normal". I remember listening to a podcast about a couple of months after starting working from home and one of the hosts brought up that the old normal isn't coming back. We need to take time and mourn the loss. I didn't know what to make of this at the time, but it really started to sink in as this mess slowly continued throughout the year.

Think about how much has changed in your day to day routine. For example, I don't leave the house unless I really need to get something from the grocery store, taking the dog for a walk, or going for a drive to clear my head. A lot of places I would have normally gone are either only allowing pickup or closed down. I haven't seen anyone outside my family since March and have seen only a couple of relatives since then.

No one knows what comes after the virus is at a state where all of us can resume some sort of 'normal'. Will our favorite places still be around? Is virtual learning going to be the next step for schools? Are we going to watching new movies over streaming services and not at a theater? Will online shopping take over as the main source of getting goods?

There's a lot of unknowns that will not have an answer for quite some time. But I have started to mourn that the old normal is gone. As much I hate it and don't know what's next, I know that I have to ready myself in some fashion.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2021?

Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff I want to work on in the coming year depends on what happens with the rollout of the vaccine and containing the virus. There are a few things I have marked as priorities.

Moving into my first place: So I never have talked about this publicly except to a few close people, but I'm really looking forward to moving out and into an apartment. Originally I was planning to do it this year, but then everything came to a screeching halt. This proved to be a blessing in disguise as I was able to save a bit more money so that I had two months of rent and the security deposit. I have a few places in mind and the goal is to move in before the end of March. That will give me enough time to figure out several items such as insurance.

Writing: I feel like this is something I mention every year. Some progress is made, but not as much as I would like. This past year, I was hoping to branch out by doing more with this blog and starting a couple of projects that had been sitting around for a while. But none of those things happened. Next year, I have some maintenance items to do for the personal blog. I don't know if I'll have anything worth writing about at the moment since my brain is currently recovering from a pile of mush. As for the projects, I'm hoping to launch one sometime in the next few months. The other is going to sit on the sidelines still as I still need to work out some items with that.

Keeping Records: I always think that I remember 'x' and I don't need to write anything down about it, and it turns out I do forget. Yeah, I'm wanting to change that for this coming year. Primarily, I'm doing this for any vehicle I review because it might be months before I start writing, and have forgotten key parts I wanted to mention. This is also something I want to do with books, video games, and music as a way to remember what I enjoyed throughout a given year.

It would be at this point I would end this postmortem with some pithy note about 2020 getting kicked out and 2021 hopefully being a massive improvement. Except that feels quite insincere. We have various vaccines rolling out, but it remains a massive question as to how fast and whether or not enough people take it. There's also the toll on mental health that is only going to get larger not only from those working in hospitals but in other fields. I could go on with other items, but you get a general idea.

[horrible-monstrosity]

Those last three episodes of Steven Universe: a mini-essay

JUST FUCK ME UP

kevin party, donner party, what's the differenfe

hey guys, remember when lion disappeared? i legitimatedly don't. he ran off with connie or something and even though lars is probably in mortal peril and lion's the only way to get to him... naw don't need him. even though now steven's all worried bout lion he didn't give a shit enough earlier to search for him just for lion's own sake. nothing matters.

the party sadie and co fucked off to in the last episode and the tit-ular kevin party are not one and the same. why not? because none of this matters. nothing fucking matters. just... some stuff happens and none of it ever fucking lines up or amounts to fucking anything. why is this show still airing?

Kevin thinking Steven's name is Clarence is the best if not only joke this show has produced in the last like twenty episodes. Or thirty. How long has this season been going for? How many episodes does this show have?...

kevin is allergic to dog but lion is still here ok. the joke is he think lion it dog but the fact he hasn't like broke out in hives should maybe tell him something?.......

So the crux of this episode is, Kevin gives Steven this patriarchal man male romantic advice which basically amounts to "have a good time and don't be a sniveling soyball" and is entirely reasonable. But since this is Steven fucking Universe, it's clearly absolutely fucking terrible. I mean, maybe it's not the perfect solution for *this* particular situation, but why the fuck would he know that? Is he supposed to read Steven and Connie's fucking minds? Why does the feminist solution to problems so commonly require the male reading peoples' fucking minds? It's a perfectly fucking reasonable piece of general advice, and Kevin even seems to be at least the littlest bit actually concerned about Steven's love life issues beyond getting the cool quantum-tranny Stevonnie at his party... but no, he's gotta be wrong, because he's the designated small-time patriarchal oppressor and 84opposition to the gender revolution.

connie assumes that steven doesn't want to talk to her not because she's been bitching at him and been doing shit like accusing him of being friends with kevin leaving him to wonder what he's done wrong... but because he's friends with kevin, obviously. female accountability and logic at 0%

kevin doesn't know how to friends. are we supposed to hate him or feel sorry for him? ... never mind, both of those options are equally depressing with the way the show treats him.

connie likes steven's maximum soy pink polo shirt, because the way to get grils is to treat yourself like a defective woman who needs re-estrogenizing and soy yourself up. just fucking go cry at her and wear the soy clothes she bought you and drip snot upon her. bitches love snot and then even though steven said kevin had his heart broken and it looks like they have some sympathy for him connie goes "lol ofc he did" and he falls in the pool and they shit on him. fuck this gay earth the rebellion was a mistake homeworld did nothing wrong

So... what the fuck was the conflict here again? Seems like the only thing keeping Steven and Connie from making up was bad timing and mutual awkwardness. Did anyone learn anything from this, aside from Steven discovering he needs to get even more soyful if he wants to inject his gem cummies into a strong big-nosed short-haired minority female someday? Did any of this fucking matter?

Also, I've no idea if this is just fan conjecture or what, but apparently the "Sabina" (because yeah that's a name normal people hsve) who fucked Kevin up is actually the le mysterious pink-haired person mute lesbo who hit it off with Pearl forever ago and probably showed up again at some point in the last X episodes but I don't fucking remember it. You... you... how did you manage to make this even worse? So not only is Kevin terrible and wrong and evil for existing, and for hitting on hot five-gendered quasi-minority manchicks at parties, and for giving reasonable advice... he hit on a thicc pink turbo-lesbo and we're supposed to hate him for that, too. Just... how the fuck do I put this? It's like... stupid fucking cis straight normal fucking a white male, thinking this world is full of other normal people like yourself- the real Earth's population is 99% minority queer demigender faggosexuals, how dare you think you can get into a normal heterosexual relationship with a female of the species? He tried some normal human courtship instead of feminist-approved all-gendered-yet-female-oriented interactions fit only for mentally-deficient degenerate aliens, so he deserved to have his heart trampled on. She's a stryng fymyle fat womyn person, you fucking piece of shit, not some thing for you to treat like (an object/your property/an animal/whatever) by treating her like a normal human being. You're shit, normies are shit, and treating a transcendant gender-goddyss as equal to yourself is oppressive. Or... some fucking shit like that. fuck i don't know whatever

-

c'mon plot it's time to go the fuck back into space already!!! It occurs to me that Connie (probably, I don't fucking know) knew all this time Lars was trapped in spacedanger and Lion was the only thing Steven or anyone else on Earth could use to rescue him, but she decided to fuck off with him anyway. Because why? Because her selfish little emotional snit over Steven valuing her life is more important than Lars' own fucking life? Remind me, why are we supposed to like Connie again? Also why did Lion stay with her this entire time anyway? Usually he just fucks off and does whatever he wants. He never wandered back to Steven?

Connie immediately shows her ignorance and downplays the situation as a fun and funny adventure, steven and connie in space o ho ho! an attitude which hey you know might be conducive to PEOPLE THINKING YOU'RE NOT FUCKING FIT TO HANDLE YOURSELF IN SPACE AND THEY SHOULD LEAVE WITHOUT YOU TO PROTECT YOU... Pretty fucking retarded thing to say after all that bitching about... no, wait a minute, Connie never said anything about being treated like Steven's equal or being coddled, did she? I mean, she barely said anything about anything because this was an underdeveloped aborted fetus of an arc, but the entire crux of this disagreement really was just... #

god fluorite still creeps me the fuck out. She's basically some magna-tranny that's gone through eight different transitions of like three genders each and gained a new fat roll for each one. Is this supposed to make me like "diverse" people? Because it's not working. Every single second of her vocal drone grating across my eardrums makes me want ever more to perpetuate a holocaust against the legbutt people. Eugh. two children are all we need to save lars, don't bother bringing garnet or any of those other fucking main characters we have lying around or anything naw fuckit

On some level I almost enjoy how few fucks Lars has come to give, even doing shit like spouting the aesop he was just given as a kewl one-liner as he (kind of) trounces the bad guy... but still, it's all off-screen development that raises a lot of questions. Maybe it's just the change in environment and the lack of anyone to try and impress (the shitgems sure as hell aren't the cool kids) that's brought this out of him- that almost makes sense, but there's nothing indicating that's the case... or anything's the case, really. Maybe it's just some kind of tangential stockholm syndrome where I'm happy to see something actually fucking happening, I don't fucking know.

also how did they steal the ship? they """explain""" but... they really don't. They're just that good because take our word for it lars is really happy for those clean pants. how much did he shit himself over the past couple weeks

And then shit gets terrible again. Lars is more triggered over sadie than his own parents... because of fucking course he is. No, she wasn't worried sick, she was faffing around whining about having to do your work for you or having to work at all and then fucking quitting her job to go become a marxist rock guitarist. Hey, remember the purple cake incident? Lars was legitimately fucked up over his social anxiety and his inability to hang with the cool kids despite wanting so badly to do so, so Sadie just fucking around with them like it's nothing because she really is barely worried about his wellbeing... yeah, I think that shit's gonna fuck him up a little bit.

But no, Steven basically just... tells him to get the fuck over it. Because, like, he's not there so she can do whatever the fuck she wants, immediately. Fuck is this shit? Like all of five minutes into the episode Steven just starts fucking explaining this shitty twisted aesop to both Lars and the audience. Yeah man, you go die in space, your gf can immediately go do everything you ever angsted over with ease and I'll come rub it in your face and you should just fucking get over it because u totes love her that much, lol. *You* aren't entitled to your own emotions.

Oh and then Steven compares Sadie's faffing to Lars's fucking comandeering a space ship in order to keep himself alive. Because the woman's feelsies are equivalent to the man's fucking life. Guys, what the fuck am I watching?...

I think this is one of those... things... this show does, where it at first vaguely approaches something that would pass for a normal human cognitive outputting, but then turns, farts in your face like that sexy alien from Star Wars and flits off like Tinkerbell leaving you confused and asmellied. Where in an attempt to create an unthought new aesop never before cognizized by mankind it ends up with a bizarre twisted mess.

At the very least Steven maybe shoulda thought twice before bringing some of those photos. "Oh, look how well your abusive not-gf has been doing without you! Befriending everyone you ever wanted to befriend but couldn't because you need a fucking therapist! Yeah that'll make him feel better". Hey, remember when Steven was empathic, you guise? I mean that being thrown the fuck out was part of what defines this arc, but come on...

It also severely hurts the thing that it's played out so fast. Lars is #triggered by the photos, okay, but then Steven immediately gets on his case and REEEEEs at him for... trying to destroy Sadie's something or other, because I don;t fucking know feminism is the radical idea that a man's emotional freedom is so disgusting it'll destroy a pure beautiful deserving woman from a distance of a thousand light-years in a fucking instant- Calm your fucking tits, Steven Sugar, we're in the middle of fucking space, Lars has no way of destroying Sadie's whatever the fuck it was he was supposed to be destroying. Let him have his knee-jerk reaction. Also, all of a week or a month away from your best friend slash romantic interest is enough you should expect she's moved on from you completely. Okay.

... Hey, wait a minute, I thought Kevin Praty taught us that sniveling was the way to get all the pretty wymyn? What might have changed between then and now, a difference of one entire episode? ... No, really, I have no fucking clue. This time, the contradiction is so fucking incoherent I can't even turn it into "because Sugar and feminists like her place female emotions above all else". The only way I can see it is if shitting on certain types of males is equal to or higher than muh womans, as the Kevin Party incident was twisted specifically to work at Kevin's expense. ... It's funny how this runs completely opposite what I'd think most people would find healthy. If the person you're hurt over is nowhere fucking near you then get it out of your system, but don't go dumping all your emotional baggage on them at a fucking party. This show wants us to bottle up our emotions when there's no fucking reason to at all but mainline emotional diarrhea in the most inappropriate of situations. what is this shit?

lol the crew are made so fucking useless just by a single fucking photo phone just take it from him One of the shitgems calls Stevvie "friends"... plural. they aren't a singular "they". SOC JUS FAUX PAS

man i can;t believe stevonnie;s fucking dead to bad the show ended here guys i guess homeworld can just go take over the world now. it's better this way

-

This was apparently some sort of special event called "Stranded", but the stranding only lasts one episode. Oooooookay.

This one is entirely just a nitpick, but I find it so strangely interesting from a writing perspective that I just can't leave it out... The "everything is broken" joke is like three lines long and two lines two long. Stevonnie is like, man what's broken and we're shown the readout from the ship showing everything flashing red, okay... and then she's like, ohhh man wow look almost everything it broken?? who expect that ha ha. And then she says, at least the screen works... and that immediately gets broken. Ha haaaaa. I dunno bout you, but I woulda laughed more if they'd just cut it short- have Stevonnie see the screen and go "oh, everything" or even just "oh", in that high-pitched, slightly breathy tone of voice that says "well, shit". Then crash. Boom, short sweet and to the point and gives you like ten more seconds this episode to spend on the plot of the epi- oh wait

Stevonnie is stranded on spaceplanet because no communications, but... xei have magic. Just... shoot some magic fireworks or start a magic fire for smoke signals. Or a normal fire, even. If the problem is that random new green gem will also find you if you do this... actually mention that. Steven and Connie don't even seem to consider sending a physical signal of any kind, even though it should be an obvious idea.

And then Stevenconnie just... finds a random alien species? And casually eats it? This... this just raises so many questions... Throughout the entire run of this show up until this date, the only alien species we've seen has been the gems. The center of the entire show, something that's been continually developed (if not consistently, coherently or well)- there's a decent amount of thought put into how these lifeforms that're completely unlike anything on Earth function, both in biology and society, with some degree of interplay between the two. The show was kept focused on the effects of Rose's rebellion and events related to it, and we avoided all the extra thought, logic and possible scientific plot holes that would be brought into existence by trying to create and balance multiple forms if alien life from multiple different origins. But now they just... dumped this stuff on in there? Because why

This is at once the first new alien species we've seen since the very beginning of the show, the first organic species, the first animalistic/non-sentient species, and the first found in it's alien habitat... and not only are a fucking bunch of them all introduced at once, they're thrown in casually and Stevonnie fucking eats most of them. What the fuck? There's no thought put into these things either, they're just a bunch of wacky squacky animals mainly comprised of random Earth animal parts. There's no logic to how they work, why they exist, how they evolved like this, they're just... wacky funny animals for no reason. Fuck you. After the series up until this point has focused on developing one species with an entirely different biology, history and culture from humans, with all of those things to at least some degree influencing or connected to each other, seeing these critters introduced just at random with no logic or context is incredibly jarring. This was such a fucking bad idea...

Also Stevonne eats the fucking fruits and animals and drinks the water because all planets just have human-compatible food species and good old motherfucking H2O I guess

stevonnie has more stubble than steven ever did because i hate life and i hate everything. this is disgusting. It's even distributed weirdly; instead of being on ziouir's chin it spreads up either side of zoidrgh's face and actually on to the cheeks. And we just have to see it's fugly little cheekstubble for the entire fucking rest of the episode. gagh

And then we get to this... really weird dream sequence where some really weird writing decisions are made. It starts off in Connie's house with Connie's mom... uh, rising up out of the carpeting, but Stevonnie identifies them as "my house" and "my mom". Stevonnie is both Steven and Connie, but given we're used to Steven being the main character and usual viewpoint throughout the entire series this comes off as though it's Steven saying this is "his house/mom". But, you know, they're not. And for any fan who's not devoted enough to commit to memory which character's household interior this is, it's misleading until Connie's mom shows up and then confusing after that. Why the fuck did the writers decide to write the scene like this? Why not have Stevonnie go "my, uh, your, uh, Connie's house" or some shit? Or just remove this part entirely because it gets really weird when the mom starts talking about EXTERMINATING ORGANIC LIFE and setvonnie notices nothing. Then the mom turns into this... weird brownwashed minority fusion version of YD with a big ol' jellyglob of Conmom's hair slapped onto the back of her head. What is this shit? if you're going to make it a meaningful dream you can't just do random shit like that. stop mixing messages. Just... stop. why did they choose to do this, and with Conmom specifically? If it's supposed to imply PD and YD's relationship is like Connie and her mom's... well first of all, that doesn;t fucking work because PD is nothing like Connie at all. But ignoring that, if it's supposed to imply YD is some sort of a parental figure to PD... why Connie's mom? She's not particularly important, and we don;t know her all that well. If it's not a comparison to her specifically and it's just that she parent... why Connie;s mom? Of all the parental figures in the show, because... I don't know, this is dumb fuck this

Though once that shit stops I actually almost like this dream sequence. Having our main character taking the place of PD in the dream, reliving her memories, it not being clear we "are" PD and that Stevonnie is acting out this memory rather than acting under xfer own will until we get to the mirror scene, where Stevonnie punches the reflection of PD while their own appearance remains the same... that's pretty fucking nice. This might also be a manifestation of that Stockholm syndrome I mentioned earlier, though. PD wants things and is frustrated with her current situation. She tries to get what she wants by bitching at someone else to give it to her, sure, but the way she storms off on her own and punches the mirror implies she wants to change things, there's just something holding her back. She has a trajectory. Apparently the fnadom hates her for being a brat, but I almost like her. ..... bets are open on how long it takes for the writers to completely fuck this up.

and then steven and connie just go home and who fucking cares nothing mattersfuck this show

... It seems the fandom has latched on to PD being an off-color because she's small (because height is a color what the fuck is that term why is it that). Like the rich family that hides their embarrassing retarded offspring in the basement, I guess. (i still crackship lars with kevin by the way)

[star-anise]

I'm in my last year of undergrad and I feel like everything has gone to shit. The past year and a half have been awful, i have depression, anxiety and im almost positive i have ADHD too. I feel like such a piece of shit because I keep asking for the extensions on projects and exams, and I'm afraid I'm gonna be this way forever. Sorry this is a lot but do you have any advice on how to take the first step in digging myself out of this hole ive created?

Okay, so it seems like you came in via this post. That’s pretty much my philosophy here. I don’t know if you’re gonna “be this way forever” or not--I know I will probably be the way I am (depressed, anxious, with ADHD) forever, but that isn’t necessarily the same as being a trash disaster on academic probation forever.

I’ll be honest, I kind of feel like after a year and a half, you’re kind of an expert on what you can do with two hands and a shovel. You’ve been digging yourself out as fast as you can, and it’s been a real struggle. I think it’s time for you to get actual help, as in, other people. Reaching out to me was a good first step. I can help you decide where to go from here.   

Keep it simple and take it slow. If you don’t know where to find any of this stuff, feel free to private message me your school’s website; I have a minor knack for reading organizational structures.

For the next week, pick ONE OR TWO of the following options. Even if they’re all good ideas, keep your goals manageable. And then, of those one or two, pick one or two SMALL ACTIONS you can do to pursue them, like looking up a number in your student handbook or making an appointment. If you do more, that’s great, but the siren song of our people is, “I’m gonna accomplish so much!” 

Without further ado: Some Options For Help

Your school’s Disability Services/Accessibility Office/Office of Inclusion/whatever they call it

You’re looking for the office that helps Deaf/Blind/mobility-impaired students succeed in school. Mental health falls under the same category. It’s their job to make sure your school is providing you with as much chance at an education as it would provide to someone who’s totally neurotypical. Tell them what you told me.

Stuff they can do:

Tell you what your school’s requirement is for documenting a disability

Give you information on local assessment and treatment options--what psych professionals locally are good? Is there a fund somewhere that will cover your testing? Does the student health centre have a psychiatrist?

Provide you with a letter that tells your instructors that giving extensions, having flexible schedules, or dropping penalties for non-attendance is a legal requirement to accommodate you. This is not necessarily a free pass--a professor may decide that some things are mandatory or non-negotiable--but it is an easy way to bring these problems up early, before they become an issue.

Help find your or fund you a tutor (more on this later)

Help you find other resources and services on your campus

Your school’s Counselling Centre/Wellness Services/Social Work Office/wherever they hide the shrinks

This is the place where they offer free counselling. If there’s walk-in, go to walk-in; if they can book an appointment in a week, go in a week; if there’s a three-month waitlist, get your name on the waitlist.

Funny story--I had graduated undergrad before I realized that students got free counselling on-campus. I’d been in therapy since I was 16, but five years of undergrad? Yeah, no clue. I was looking for therapists on Psychology Today and shelling out hundreds of dollars out of pocket, and there were hot and cold running therapists under my very nose.

In fact, there might be more than just therapists. The school I worked at had regular counsellors, and also a Learning Specialist, whose job included teaching people with executive function disorders like depression and ADHD how to study effectively!  It’s worth asking about.

When you see one of these people, it’s very tempting to think they are An Adult Who Is The Boss Of You. They will look at you, understand you with their expert knowledge, tell you what your deal is, and give you instructions on what to do now!  

In reality, therapists are not Sherlock Holmes, or profilers on TV. We can’t just look at you and go, “I see by the way you button your coat that you’re a middle child and ambiguity makes you uncomfortable.”  We rely a lot on “client report”--on what you say is true. Psychological assessment is a process involving interaction, not a detached observation of stable qualities. If a therapist says something about you that seems inaccurate, it is beneficial and good to say, “No, actually, I think you’re mistaken. To me, it looks more like...”

You’re recruiting an experienced co-traveller to go on a trip with you. They know a lot about rocks and trails and climbing harness, but they don’t know the territory you’ll be travelling together. So first and foremost, you want to find someone you want to go on a trip with: a therapist who is a good fit for you.

If you don’t like your assigned therapist, ask for a new one. We have an ethical responsibility to provide referrals when we can’t provide someone with the treatment they need, and since a good client-therapist relationship predicts therapy outcome like 70% of the time, simply not liking or trusting your therapist is a good enough reason to try somebody new. If you want you can just email them after the session and say, “I don’t think you and I quite clicked. With what you know now of my personality and issues, is there someone else in your office you can refer me to?”

Medication. Different medication.

Not gonna lie, going on antidepressants was like... getting the inside of my brain whitewashed. There was so much space. So much room. I could think and feel without being constantly smothered in negativity! And going on ADHD meds on top of that was like.. the thoughts that had always been slippery, unable to grasp or manipulate, suddenly became solid in my hands. I could grip them, slow them down, tell them to go somewhere else.

Both times, it took five to ten adjustments to get to the right cocktail and dosage. For example, I was on an antidepressant that stopped me from crying and freaking out all the time but killed my creative drive, so we added a drug that gave me more energy so I could write again. Then money got tight, we tried me on a generic, found that didn’t work, and found a way to pay for the first version. Each time, it meant seeing the doctor, trying a dose for two weeks or a month, and then going back to report progress and try adjusting it again.

Again: It’s a process, an interaction. It’s something you get a say in. And if you’re currently on meds--well, let me just say: If you sent me an ask like that, your meds aren’t doing their job. They’re not the right ones for you. So it’s time for an adjustment.

If you can get to or afford a psychiatrist, great! A general practitioner who’s known you for a while will often do. And if you need to, well, I’ve gotten my meds adjusted by a different doctor every time at a walk-in family practice clinic. You do what you can. Information on who and what is available is often why Disability Services is a great resource--who knows, maybe there’s a psychiatrist on campus you can see for free who sees the depression/anxiety/ADHD trifecta all the time!

(General life tip: When they give you an assessment for depression, anxiety, or ADHD, don’t downplay your symptoms. Answer the way you would on a bad day or when you’re struggling. Of course you know how to cope with these challenges, but the unfair part is that you have to cope with them at all)

A tutor or academic coach

This never occurred to me for a long long time, because I was always a “smart kid”, and I always thought tutors were for people who didn’t intellectually grasp the material. Meanwhile: Surprise! I have a developmental disability that significantly impacts my learning! My grad school put me on academic probation and effectively foisted a person of this job description on me, and it was the BEST THING EVER.

If you’ve ever felt like you would work so much better if only you had someone sitting there all the time making you work? Or a sympathetic friend who could help you break it down and be less overwhelming? If the only time you get your work done is when someone else asks you about it? This is the person for you.

Most schools provide these services to students for free, or subsidize disabled students’ tutoring. If all else fails, you can find a tutor on your own and say, “I get this stuff intellectually, but I really need someone who makes me spend time with it, because left to myself I’d get anxious and ignore it all until the night before the deadline.”

If you have good friends who can do this for you, that’s great too--but the biggest objection to the post that brought you here is, “I’m depressed and socially anxious--I don’t HAVE anybody to help!”  So this post is aimed at linking you up to people whose explicit job it is to help you--people you, your insurance, or your tuition dollars directly pay for.

[nickgerlich]

What We Have Learned So Far

I remember back to the 1970s, when I was a mere teenager. My Dad the Accountant was also the purchasing agent for our family. It was a task in which he prided himself and his squeezing-blood-out-of-turnips ways. He shopped with ruthless cunning and laser precision. This explained why our basement had metal shelves lined with enough canned goods to get us through a nuclear fallout, because Dad was the kind of guy who would find corn on sale, and then buy the whole case.

My friends used to make fun of me. “Are you guys planning on World War III?” they would ask. Nope. Dad was just being a good shopper, so we shut up and ate corn.

But suddenly I realize that Dad was ahead of his time, while at the same time, a product of his times. He grew up during the Great Depression, so he knew the value of a nickel saved, a paper clip, piece of string, even an empty beer can with its top removed to use as a pencil holder. This is not just quaint nostalgic yearnings, it’s the new survival strategy. I suspect if you went into many American pantries these days, you would think my Dad had paid them a visit.

While the first documented US case of coronavirus happened on 20 January 2020, it wasn’t until the last two weeks that we really stood up and paid much attention here. In that short time, we have learned many things, about ourselves, about our society. Here are a few:

No one is happy right now. We are filled with anxiety. We’re stress-filled, and easily provoked by the littlest thing someone might do to us in public. I get it. When your world is turned upside down, it’s easy to take it out on others. Even though only a tiny tiny fraction of our 330 million people will contract COVID-19, there is still the chance it could happen. Given the fact that we are all told to stay home, one has to wonder what the social outcomes will be down the road. Will there be a baby boom next winter, as some chirpy people suggest? Or will the added stress lead to divorces? Worse yet, not if, but when, will there be shopping cart rage and shootings in shops as people fight over scarce commodities?

What we once took for granted, we may never do so again. Remember when we could go to a supermarket and they would have everything we needed? Yeah, me too…about two weeks ago. I remember my first semester at WT, when I had a young Polish emigre in my Principles of Marketing class. She told of life in the mother country, still reeling under years of an oppressive regime. She spoke of being overwhelmed by all the choices we had in America, because in Poland, it wasn’t about which bread, it was about whether there was any bread at all. If you saw a queue forming outside a store, you got in line without even knowing why you were there, under the assumption that someone knew something you did not, and you better not miss whatever was available.

How sad that we now think the same thing. We blindly get in line before opening hours in hopes that shelves have been restocked during the night.  And for that matter, every other aspect of our lives, from dining out to movie theatres, concerts, sporting events, and more, are all out the window right now. We have our Netflix, as long as they don’t cut the bandwidth to save the internet for everyone now engaged in online learning.


Cheap gas is nice, but if you can’t go anywhere, it is worthless. With a barrel of oil around $24, dealers are practically giving gas away. Today, you can get gas for $1.69 a gallon in Amarillo. The only problem is that, with so many people sent home to work, shops closed, and everyone hunkering down, there’s really nowhere to go other than the grocery. Oh, for fuel this cheap when we are able to take road trips. This is nothing but a false positive externality of the coronavirus crisis.

Agile companies and organizations will survive, while the others will be weeded out quickly. We will definitely lose a lot of businesses during this pandemic, especially mom-and-pop businesses. There are more businesses than we realize that are only one or two months away from bankruptcy, mirroring the condition of many citizens who are similarly skating by, month-to-month. Are you in the restaurant business? Why haven’t you considered takeaway before? Have a retail shop? Why haven’t you gone online yet with a commerce-driven website and/or mobile app? Teach at a university? Why haven’t you pushed yourself a little the last two decades by developing at least one online course?

Furthermore, this will cause many businesses, organizations, and even governments to reconsider how business is done, but only among those that survive. Does it necessarily have to be face-to-face? Why can’t it be done electronically? Does it have to be done the old way forever?

I do not need to eat out anywhere near as much as I once did. I have been moving in this direction for the last few months anyway in an effort to eat more healthily, as well as because I am enjoying teaching myself to cook. But with restaurants off-limits in most areas, and everyone my age being urged to have a month’s worth of provisions on hand, my pantry runneth over. And you know what? I am enjoying it. Even with my beginner’s skills and tools, I can put together a mighty tasty dinner. My oldest daughter often joins me in this endeavor, and she, better than I, produce some amazing meals. Guess what? We are saving money. We are eating very healthily. And I am losing weight. Lots of it. Yay, us! Of course, that’s bad news for the restaurants if they are able to survive this tragedy, because I may not return there as frequently as I once did.

Many more people are now getting exposure to e-commerce, curbside pick-up, and home delivery. This could forever change the way we buy things, making it difficult for those unable or unwilling to evolve. This goes far beyond the native convenience of it all, and even the social distancing aspect. I, for one, do not want to purchase items that have been handled, tried on, manipulated, etc., by others.

What people purchase during times of panic reflects their worst fears. Panic is irrationality at its worst. It causes us to do things completely out of character, and when it comes to purchasing, it causes us to buy things that make no sense whatsoever. The elephant in the living room right now is toilet paper. The coronavirus does not even cause diarrhea, so there’s no worry in that department, yet Americans and others worldwide have gobbled up virtually every available roll. One report I read said that we bought 60 days’ worth of toilet paper in three days. A standard 18-roll pack should last a minimum of one month, and quite possibly two months, in a two-person household.

So why did everyone hoard this most basic commodity? Simple. Because everyone fears having to take a dump and not having paper with which to wipe. Never mind starvation or more important matters; we just want to be clean down there. I want to be clean, too, but I’m not going to go crazy on inventorying it. A second fear is bottled water. Really? Unless our public utilities also break down, we’re going to have tap water. So picture this: We are a bunch of defecation dehydrophobes. I don’t like that mental picture.

The food people are buying reflects our rather pedestrian American cuisine, which also turns out to be our comfort foods. The American diet is a mash-up of various international influences and regionalized adaptations, along with some items of our own making. To be honest, I don’t think it is all that good. It is rather bland, favors sauces that happens to red, and probably puts more emphasis on the centerpiece—meat—than is healthy. But that’s a discussion for another time.

Folks are buying the things they know how to prepare, because going out to eat is out of the question unless you can live with takeaway, and people are buying the things that will provide comfort and hope during a time of discomfort and seeming hopelessness. If pounded steak and potatoes make you feel good, then by all means, eat it. It also means that my rather esoteric tastes and dietary preferences are pretty safe. This is one time that being in the minority has its benefits. All of my stuff is still abundant.

People will rearrange their schedules to go shopping if there is hope that a scarce item has been replenished overnight. When was the last time you went grocery shopping at 7:00am? I did it this week, and was not the least bit surprised to see about two dozen others out there, milling about in the pre-dawn moonlight. Many stores have now trimmed their operating hours to allow more time for thorough overnight cleanings and restocking, as well as to accommodate seniors-only shopping hours, but the long and the short of it is simple: We’ll do whatever it takes if we think we might find a roll of toilet paper or canister of Lysol. Think about this. Aside from Black Friday, when was the last time you engaged in cart-to-cart contact for a limited supply of products?

We are social animals, and we are already starting to miss each other. I can see it on social media already. We want…no, we need…human interactions, whether it is at church, the pub, the workplace, the classroom. All of those have been taken from us in short order, and it did not take long for us to feel that immense loss. Thankfully, we have social media to stay in touch, and inexpensive calling plans to just say hello. Reach out and touch your loved ones, maybe not physically, but at least electronically. It may be a while before we can hug, kiss, even shake hands. But we can still communicate.

There will always be defiant, belligerent people among us. This is the scariest part. There are many folks taking to social media trying to downplay the importance of this matter, dissing the statistics that shows this to be a highly communicable disease with a much higher mortality rate than the common flu. Worst yet, I have seen some of my former students echoing these refrains online. Now more than ever we must use reasoning and logic to filter through the news, all of it, from real to fake. This is a very real contagion that can grow exponentially if left unabated. Interventions of the highest order are necessary to throw speed bumps in its growth. This is not a conspiracy from any political party; it is a global pandemic that knows no borders nor ideologies. Don’t blow off the truth; don’t dig your heels in the dirt and embrace nonsense claptrap that ignores the magnitude of this situation.

We use social media to vent our frustrations and anxieties. And argue. It is sadly ironic that the very tool intended to bring people together has also made it possible for oceans of discontent to rage between us. Give someone a microphone, and suddenly they feel like they are back in high school debate. But more than that, I see raw emotions in people’s posts…the empty shelves, the shuttered stores, the empty parking lots. The mere act of photographing, composing a caption, and posting them is cathartic in that it lets us release those pent up emotions. My advice going forward: skip the arguing, but keep posting your photos and words. If anything, we are all now citizen journalists documenting history in the making. Can you imagine nearly everyone in 1918 had a decent camera in their pocket or purse, and snapped hundreds of photos of the pandemic that year? We would have a much better record had this all been available. We do, so keep shooting and posting.

Finally, we need to love our educators. They have all been forced to do things they may or may not know anything about as they transition to online. For some, it has been easy. For others, it is like being thrust from knowing miles, pounds, and quarts, and suddenly having to use kilometers, kilograms, and liters. We are doing our best to make sure the learning continues, with or without the comforts of the classroom. We all have to make the best of the situation. And I offer encouragement to students for whom online learning is unfamiliar. It’s not perfect, but neither is the classroom. Keep an open mind, and trust your educator. We’re not doing this for ourselves.

I know that I could go on, and there is certainly much more we will learn in the days and weeks ahead. And that’s right—weeks. I am not hopeful that we will return to what we consider to be normal for quite some time. This is the new normal. All I know is that my dad was right. Life could get tough again, maybe not quite like it was in the 1930s, but certainly a far cry from what we all know as the American way. In the end, though, it will make us tougher. Our steely resolve will help us get through this, and prepare us for whatever the future may hold. 



Now who wants some corn?

Dr “Going The Distance“ Gerlich

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