#but i dont want to do my schoolwork
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i havent frawn in ages and school is stressing me out 😞 i open cas for an hour anf close thr sims without even playing...
#txt#L gif because... sniffle... sigh#i dont want to turn 18 this month#L#L gif because i feel depressed and also HES ALSO AN OCTOBER BABY#i was thinking abt that yesterday heh... best month#hes a scorpio though and im a libra. but its ok#idc abt horoscopes or whatever i just like knowing what people are#anyway#sigh#i miss drawing#but i have so much schoolwork#but i dont want to do my schoolwork#because i suck#and im just sad i miss my american history teacher :( i hope hes back next werk#week even#i havent slept a full night in months :( i keep waking uo in the middle of the night at LEAST once#and every other night i have stress dreams. and i wake up sweaty no matter what :(#and ive had a persistent headache for like a week... i could get some medicine for it but sigh#sigh..#whatever#ive been getting good grades on my essays but at what cost#bc we were set one as hw and i cant do ittttttt i have to be in the classroom. i want to be in the classroom. :(
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who do i know this man
#im drawing old men bc i spent all day doing schoolwork this is how i go back to being sane LMAO#also sum1 im watching uploaded a new part to their disco lp and got to the part with the mc#and i dont think ill ever get used to young harry pftt#so thats why he was on my mind i dont think im very good at drawing young him LOL this is not my beautiful house this is not my beautiful w#disco elysium#harry du bois#sunnysidedoodles#described#id in alt text#wanted to compare das allll#sunnysidedisco
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Fernando Alonso & His Relationship With Cards
I'm sure we're all familar with the cards on the back of Fernando's Vegas GP helmet by now, but did you know his relationship with cards goes a lot deeper?
I. Magic Tricks
You've probably seen or heard someone at least mention Fernando's propensity for card tricks. As far as I can tell he was doing them(publically) as far back as 2003 all the way to as recently as 2018. Even once performing a card trick, with a condom and a teddy bear(!??!?!??!!), in front of Valentino Rossi who said "How was that possible?"(x)
But how did this start? According to James Allen, "Fernando admits to having been heavily influenced by his grandfather, a mercurial figure, who taught him magic and card tricks, still one of his passions away from the race track."(x) And I'm not sure the validity of this one, because I couldn't find an actual source, but apparently he once said: "My parents are responsible for the two things I like doing most - driving and magic tricks. They bought me my first go-kart and a magician's kit."
In several interviews he described it as his hobby off track, and that he loved learning new tricks and surprising others in the garage with them! So clearly cards are pretty important to him both as a hobby but also to who he is as a person since they've been with him just as long as racing has.
II. Card Symbolism in His Helmets
This is the reason I originally made this post, but I thought I should also explain the origins of his card fascination first. As I said, we probably all remember the cards on the back of his helmet in Vegas, but did you know that wasn't the first time he had cards on the back of his helmet?
From 2008-2013, he used to have a pair of cards on the back of his helmets. The symbolisms of the cards themselves as well as the evolution of their design is really fascinating to me! Even more so with the recent development of the card choice in 2023.
Fernando said he wanted to reference his two titles in some way on the back of his helmet and after his friend sent him several ideas, he decided on having two cards(an ace of clubs and an ace of hearts, sometimes pictured with 05 and 06 on them as well), saying: "I picked the cloverleaf [the ace of clubs - Ed] to give me luck, but the only pity is that it doesn't have four leaves!"(X)
2008.
Here's the very first appearance of the cards! They're displayed flat, with the 05 and 06 clearly visible
2009.
Very similar to 2008, but with a slightly different design, and they're maybe a bit more straight with less shadow?
2010.
This is the first major change! I was sad they didn't have the years on them anymore, but then I realized they're sparkly to match with his signature lightning bolts on the top of the helmet!!
2011.
Honestly I'm still somewhat unsure if this is the actual 2011 helmet? It's pretty difficult to find clear photos of the back of helmets from older seasons. It's easiest to find them on replica sites or auction sites so I'm not 100%? But anyways, I like that this has the championship years on the underside of the cards
2012.
This is when I started getting weirdly emotional about the helmets. Do you see how they've progressed from being a centerpoint to being curled up and sad at the bottom of the helmet? Not listing the year anymore??
2013.
Same thoughts as 2012. And after this season, they cease to exist (just like his ferrari chair in the garage, WOAH CALLBACK), until cards make a reeappearance in his Vegas helmet, albeit in a different form
2013 Monaco(Honorable Mention):
For some reason 2013 helmets were easier to find proper pictures of, so I happened to witness this absolute beauty. The creativity of this helmet genuinely blows me away??? Wanting to keep the card motif, but making sure to incorporate it into the rest of the puzzle piece design?? Mwah! There was another special 2013 helmet but they didn't change the cards at all so I really applaud this one
2023 Las Vegas(The Return of The King):
The magnificent return! But look! The cards are different cards! Instead of being two aces, it's now an ace of hearts, a four of hearts(his driver number of course!) and, the, now iconic, representation of himself as a Joker. I literally could not believe my eyes when this helmet was released and I saw the Joker card, what a fucking silly old man....I really wonder if he felt nostalgic having cards on his helmet again or if he didn't think about it all and was just like, "ah cards because Vegas!!!"
III. Why Does This Matter?
*The rest of the post was factual, this is moreso my personal thoughts on the symbolism of the cards/designs
This post spawned from me recently watching the 2010 Bahrain gp and noticing "hey wait a minute...are those CARDS ON THE BACK OF HIS HELMET!?" It's a really tiny detail that's unfortunately covered up by the HANS device pretty much whenever he's wearing the helmet, so it's really difficult to spot! But I became fascinated with the fact that he had cards on his helmet before that recent helmet, and now here we are!
There's something to me about how the design of the cards evolves over the course of six seasons from the cards being front and center to being smaller, more folded up and closer to the bottom of the helmet. As I said, the 2012-2013 ones genuinely made me depressed because it feels, symbolically, like his hopes for getting another Ace are becoming more and more unlikely and falling away until they eventually fall falt and fade away entirely after 2013 and disappear for basically a decade.
But when they return? They're not the same cards! Instead of representing Fernando's championships, they now represent him as a person, displaying his driver number and his persona of being a Joker!! Though I do think it's interesting he happened to keep the Ace of Hearts, even though he talked more about the Ace of Clubs before. I'm not sure it's actually this deep in reality, but I like to think that it's him not letting his championships(and the lack thereof) define him, but rather letting who he is as a person shine and be the centerpoint instead! But on a sadder note, as @suzuki-ecstar said to me, maybe the Aces aren't there anymore because he's lost all hope for a chance at a third Ace entirely :(
#yes its finals week and im up to my eyes in coursework but instead decided to spend like 5 hours researching and writing this post#nah bcs i actually genuinely put more work into this then I think I have all semester dsfjdskjg#that thing about him using a condom and teddy bear in a magic trick genuinely had me crying with laugher. actual tears rolling down my face#<- HOW!?!? WHAT WAS THE TRICK?? its literally inconceivable to me what he did. oh if only there were pics UGH#anyways!! this post was a lot of fun to make!! i really really love the symbolism and design of helmets so this was a rly fun project#and i also went down a lot of rabbitholes while make this and saw many very weird articles from yore#i feel like i make an equal amnt of deranged posts abt seb and nando but i dont know why nando is gifted w all my well researched projects#<- i.e. chair post. that was the same level of research as this one but at least this one i could find actual sources about....#idk theres smth about the extremely long history of nando's history that evokes research posts like this KLAJSLSKDJ#theres just so much that i dont think I ever really see people discussing! so i must create.#haha what was that joke tag i wanted to make abt my researched posts? I think:#normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion#<- one day ill go back and actually tag posts w that. bcs the amtn of research compared to my actual schoolwork is so unwell#fernando alonso#fa14#f1#formula 1#catie.rambling.txt#we do a little bit of f1
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thinking abt my universe's school system and deciding to draw them working on an essay
#tzu rambles#losers. get schoolwork. idiots.#okay technically sevyn avoided all that because he literally just knows basic math and how to read+write siccan. he's NEVER done an essay b#(he can read silven ofc but he doesn't usually write it)#and winter+avery wouldve learned a similar amount and then had the choice to go further#which avery did if you even care#but i dont think she hated it. shes the kinda girl who wouldve been chill doing an essay#winter is probably educated on history and science a bit as well. so they both likely did essays#scarlet thistle cash ezra and ibis went to a public school#so itd make sense that theyd have worked on an essay once#koya went to a private school and freyja was privately tutored#i doubt freyja's ever done a genuine essay#this is so random i just want to put them thru school hell bc im in school and my stomach hurts and my throats still sore#koya also definitely got bad grades oops#he's a history kid at heart i think#yoddenlir
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From @/marrymeserizawa’s Wawaweek! Day 2 Fashion
I would have drawn him in some of the official arts too but I don’t have enough time😔
#I FINALLY BROKE FREE OF ARTBLOCK ITS OVER FOR YOU FUCKERS#and also my education because i have SATs tmr and i do NOT want to study#this past month has been hell i had so many comic ideas but i dont DRAW FOR SHIT#JVSJSVSJV IVE BEEN STRUGGLING EVERYDAY#IM SO HAPPY TO BE FREE FROM IT BUT I HAVE SO MUCH SCHOOLWORK IM SO MAD WHY WHY THIS TIMING#mp100#serizawa#serizawa katsuya#katsuya serizawa#serizawaweek2023#wawaweek#idk if thats a tag lol#edit: SHI T I FORGOT TO DRAW THE BACKPACK FOR THE ORANGE HOODIE ONE his arm is just there awkwardly now#toffee art
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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"im basically hyperfixated on *thing*" people when i tell them that a hyperfixation is infact NOT just liking something alot
#i dont eat i dont sleep i dont take care of myself i dont clean my room because i genuinely cannot fucking stop thinking about glsneegsnag#like i actually almost vomit everytime i try to do anything else#i genuinely get fucking mad when i see gl posts that arent about him#i am failing my classes because i dont do the schoolwork so i can think and interact w it#ive literally had a mental breakdown bc i couldnt watch genloss for him#anyway rant over i want to kill everybody who uses hyperfixation wrong thats all
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desperately need to start studying for my ged on a completely unrelated note i have never been more productive in literally every other area of my life
#its so fucking scary#genuinely like#how the hell do i do schoolwork after 18 years of barely anything i dont know where to start i dont know how to study i cant retain this#information the numbers are all too big and i want to cry reading any page of this fucked up book#i need tutoring but i dont have money or a laptop#i really want to be able to understand what its asking of me but i read the guidance pages and it just isnt processing#i just need to score over 165 and i can go to community college#its asking me for addition in the thousands and i can barely add in the hundreds#i just feel so beyond fucking stupid im sorry#its not my fault like i was never put in school my parents educationally decided to neglect me#but fuck!!!! i hate academics#im just on a 24/7 verge of sobbing because i was never taught fractions and i dont know how to learn#ugh#anyway#personal#vent ish#skyler posting
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sort of hiatus
hey guys, im probably not gonna be on tumblr for a bit because of obvious reasons considering i havent been posting art much recently and also i'm trying to focus on my studies. its probably gonna last anywhere from a week to a few months idk
#ill still pop in every now and again but i wont be doing anything really apart from talking to a couple friends#i need to focus on my schoolwork at the moment#yk how it is#so yeah#also just so i dont feel overwhelmed since maintaining my grades is difficult#i also dont draw as much undertale as id like to anymore. i still love it its just that ive been expanding my ocs and their world#but it is what it is#feel free to dm me if u want lol i just might take a bit to reply#im happy to talk#born to talk forced to post idk#hiatus#break#blog update
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third draft update: first chapter completed! i haven't read it over in full yet, which i'll probably do before starting on the next chapter, but i'm calling it done for now 🥳
[biggest edits: fixed pacing issues, character introductions, and some clunky exposition]
#gonna start doing little update posts in this kind of format for my own morale (and anyone who's interested in my progress hehe)#feeling very good about my goal to finish the first 6 chapters by the end of the year!#although im sure i'll feel less good about it once my schoolwork begins in earnest lol thats why im trying to get ahead now#i also want to start on revisions for my novella.... at least get some general notes down during this semester#really trying not to get too ambitious so i dont overwhelm myself. i think this should all be more than doable#audie talks#audie writes
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me realizing that, for the first time in months, i can in fact do literally anything other than work and can draw whatever idea i have and do in fact have time and free will
#for at least the past 3 months ive been coming home and doing schoolwork and delaying drawing because i did not have time to#ive literally have just been telling myself “I'll do that when i have no more pending work” about all ideas I've gotten in the last months#ive barely done any drawing that i want to do since at least September???#wow#and now i have time??? and free will?? and can in fact draw any and all silly ideas that i want to draw???#i have no idea what to do with this newfound time and freedom#this is my first actual post online since like. march. if we dont count Instagram stories. and ive barely commented anything all year#i suppose that good omens content is coming soon ajfbjf#speck of thoughts
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ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
#okay ignore me sorry i dont want to bother anybody back to the classic using tumblr tags to ramble. Ok?#---------------------------------------------#iiiii hate having ptsd. I am like 14 years old and i dont know how to be bigger. Ok? I do not know why i had to go and argue with my mother#when i have to see her every day . And deal with the consequences of arguing with her. I dont know how i used to do it but now i#am just sitting here being forced to interact with other people while on the constant brink of tears.#How am i supposed to do schoolwork when i have ptsd and just want to curl up in a ball on my bed aks style. Riddle me that#I dont know its just frustrating that I have to navigate normal things like school while getting blasted with some evil ptsd moment every#other day. something something i must just be a teeth hurt kinda guy.#They should be able to wrap me in FRAGILE DO NOT TOUCH paper without any questions asked you see.#Dont give me responsibilities i am straight up a little kid forever. one bad source of information#i will be okay i know this will pass but lord.#meowing#i dont know i just need to be held like a baby no questions asked for a while badly But i cant. Sad!
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((i just want my ear stuff to go away and my sleep to be Normal :'S
im missing out on some things blah))
#im too tired and all my brain wants to do when i wake up is just numb out with minecraft or minecraft-like games and just Not Be Here#but ill get back to normal things soon i hope. OTL ))#ooc#negative -#also PSA: i have schoolwork i do online too i have to worry about. and my homelife is extremely abusive and shit#so not only my brain and body against me but everything else so just fdgjfg be patient and i love u#thank you for the patience you all have given me im sorry if it seems like im uninterested#i definitely am interested. i just often dont know how to respond with characters or outside of that#and im overwhelmed ))
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I will read the most inane and useless stuff for hours just for my own interest/enjoyment, but reading academic papers is like pulling a tooth 😭😭 like I genuinely think I'd find the info interesting but the fact that ik it's in pursuit of doing an assignment somehow manages to kills my motivation 100%
#step 1. you pick a research topic you find genuinely interesting#step 2. you have to research and read papers abour this topic. hey dont you remember you find this interesting??#i just remember going on deep dives learning about random historical figures#but absolutely god forbid i read anything in the pursuit of actual schoolwork#i think its mostly that i feel constantly under duresss when im reading it yknow?#all i can think is: im going to have to write something about this#lol just need someone i can blab to about politics and maybe it would actually work out for me#but ugh yeah theres just such a palpable difference btwn reading smth for enjoyment and reading something 'for work'#here is an example!#in my one class i think my prof put The Prince as a reading#i didnt even look cause im liek yeah i aint reading all of that#fast forward a year later: oh my god! i wanna read machiavelli so bad! i wanna feel intellectual 🥰🥰#literally bought myself a copy of it .....#i think im too self aware. id like to remove all sense of context from my brain#literally spent hours today watching documentaries that are actually pretty relevant to my one course#<- but note. they werent FOR my course. i was just doing ir for fun! i wanted to learn!!#but if i got assigned a hour and a half docu for class....that shit would not be getting done#ugh yeah anyways i have two research papers this sem#and its so fucking annoying bcs its so open to my choices. like here. you can pick smth you find genuinely interesting#and you guys literally witness me constantly learn info and want to apply it#but the thought of having to write a paper for school(god forbid) literally keeps me awake at night#its just yeah. wish i could remove that particular barrier from my brain#bcs some of the things i do for fandom are literally borderline research papers#like. read and research a bunch. write about it to other people. apply the info(in fic/drawing/meta)#and really the topics are not so different from my actual coursework#but when i contemplate having to research and write for school it just flatlines my brain#need to start forcing people to watch me borderline seminar so that it feels more fun and in-line w what i do on here#the fernando card post???? practically a research paper. god. my brain is so bad#catie.rambling.txt
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I should add chronic procrastinator to my pinned post...
#i have like 15 things ive been needing to do recently and ive been doing NONE OF THEM#lets see... theres a stimboard req and i need to do some more omori portraits and i have AN ENTIRE WEEK OF SCHOOLWORK i didnt do#i also wanna send more asks to multiple ask blogs bc they dont get much interaction outside of me and i feel bad seeing them so quiet :(#oh and dont even get me started on my google doc to-do list with all wip art projects unfinished games and things i want to read........#god help#starfilled.txt
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personally i believe that everyone who experiences periods should just get a free pass to fuck off from all obligations for a week every month. would i use EVERY day? no. would i use it some days? like today? yes. god. fucking hell. someone please give me a massage and also a chocolate bar and a blanket and some calming fucking tea.
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