#but i did go through a phase where i would just obsessively look for queer movies

[not-poignant]

🧐 & 🏆 for the meme game!

🧐 Do you spend much time researching for your stories?

Yes and no.

I think the main thing about me is that I spend a lot of time researching in general. I read a lot of non-fiction, and most years, I read more non-fiction than fiction. I read widely, across a lot of subjects (one year I went through a phase of just getting out books at the library on elements in the periodic table, and vulcanology, and that was it), and very eclectically.

And then I also have additional personal areas of research I have always targeted, like media studies, film studies, queer studies, some acafandom stuff, folklore and fairy tales, sex in history and being queer in history, PTSD and affect and panic disorders, environmental studies, ecology, regenerative agriculture, ecosystems, animal ethology, corvids, taxonomy, unusual animals etc. These are areas where I actually own books and have like...dedicated non-fiction bookshelves.

So because of that, I actually have a fairly broad range of eclectic (but very incomplete) knowledge, and some deeper knowledge around subjects like trauma. I don't need to research PTSD before I start writing an entire story about PTSD, because I both have it, and I have 40 books on the subject that I've read. I might quickly do a cursory search to make sure some of my knowledge is up-to-date but that's about it.

But then I also do a lot of research about random things sometimes. Like I spent two hours trying to research how deep the leaf litter in a karri forest is for a line I wanted to write in Underline the Black and I both didn't need to write the line and didn't find the answer I wanted (it was based off a fact I thought I'd learned years ago, but I couldn't corroborate it online, but nor could I disprove it, but I wasn't confident enough in the factoid to put it in). So I often do random deep dives on things like this.

Some stories require more research than others. Underline the Black broadly requires hardly any, as in, I do no research of any kind before the majority of chapters. But I did do a lot of research on hormones and hormone structures (and again, because of my personal experience with a hormone / neuroendocrine cancer, I have some knowledge on hormones in general) as like a building block for the worldbuilding. I know a lot of that off by heart now, so I don't need to go back and check that research, but that time does inform the story.

Mallory & Mount conversely has taken some research, mostly into political and criminal control structures all around the world so far. It's taken a lot of worldbuilding, but because I know a bit about biology, taxonomy, evolution, and world culture/s already, I don't necessarily need to collect as much broad knowledge, and instead deep dive instead. Like, I already know about the chemical make up of granite and where it's found and what land masses it's found in and what countries and how it's quarried. But I might need to research where you'd find pink granite and what that's been used for specifically, y'know?

Basically writing is one of the best places to spend the labour of being a non-fiction obsessed little gremlin creature who just wants to learn about nearly everything.

But honestly very little of my research actually ends up in the stories, because it's all very dry and tbh often unnecessary (no one actually needs to know how deep the leaf litter is in a karri forest), and I'm wary of infodumping. I usually try to have an 'infodumping' style character (like Temsen) to get away with it, lmao.

OH, and I've spent way too much time looking up wine and local wineries on Dr Gary's behalf, because man, I do not give a shit about wine.

The Gentle Wolf had a surprising amount of research into the duties of a barista, and into chocolate making. I'd say I watched around 20 hours of chocolate making videos for professionals, because I needed the lingo that professionals would use vs. home cooks. And I watched 'how to clean a cafe coffee maker if you're a barista' video re: learning about the daily / weekly / monthly maintenance of your machines if you're making professional coffee, lmao.

99.9999999% of it didn't make it into the story, but I felt confident that what did make it into the story would feel at least a little realistic to people who were in those fields, which is always the goal. The dream is for someone to go 'I can tell you have experience in this area because you know about X' when I actually have no experience in that area at all, lmao, and that's happened a few times now.

🏆 What's your most popular fic?

For comments, Falling Falling Stars.

For kudos, The Golden Age that Never Was (3,800)

-

From the fandom meme!

[normal-thoughts-official]

i love that particular genre of posts that's like "queer representation needs to have unhealthy relationships too!" as if that's rare to see in western media or something

[shitpostingkats]

QUICK TELL ME IN EXTREME DETAIL EVERYTHING YOU LIKE ABOUT EVERY YUGIOH PROTAGONIST

PROTAGS WHOSE SHOWS I HAVE SEEN:

Yugi: SHORT KING. He is very smol and he weighs ninety pounds soaking wet and he will KICK YOUR ASS like the worlds most high school aged chihuahua. Always the friend who offers to dm when everyone talks about starting a dnd campaign. Despite what canon has gone on to say, I choose to believe he maintained his King Of Games title while using his cutesy deck we see in the Yami v. Yugi fight. Doesn't wear heels to events (that was Yami's thing) and always takes time to talk to fans, even if they run up to him on the street.

Jaden: Altered my brain chemistry on a fundamental level. Depressed and queer and a failure, proving you don't have to be innocent to deserve innocence. Does not pay his taxes. The character for anyone who's ever felt monstrous, alien, foreign in their own skin, then breaking down that none of those things make you less human, less deserving of love. Reads comic books and will enthusiastically lend you 300 issues if you even casually mention you've been thinking of doing the same.

Yusei: My son. My boi. I can say so much on him that I haven't even touched on in my numerous essays rambling about this funky little mechanic. If the ygo shows tend to focus on forms of love that aren't romantic, then 5Ds is about familial love. Yusei is passionate and caring and a bleeding heart. The only shonen protag to ever get told by his mom "You're grounded." and say "Okay." and NOT go fight space gods until his mother gives him the go ahead. He's a revolutionary. He knows the trash collector by name. He's a planet. He's a star with gravitational pull strong enough to change the world. He's Just A Guy.

PROTAGS WHOSE SHOWS I HAVE NOT SEEN

Yuma: Bisexual colored hair. Continuing the proud yugioh tradition to be adhd af. I know he sleeps in a hammock so I'm gonna go ahead and call that he's the kid always rocking in place. Leg bouncer. Dyslexic and doesn't know it, just knows that words are easier to read when looking through the blue tinted screen of his weird visor thing. Possibly kills satan? Good for him. Watches telenovellas and gets overly invested in the plotlines. Would probably eat the popsicle stick because he thinks it's part of the experience. He is NOT stupid he is just a dumbass.

Yuya: Tomato head. Looks somehow exactly like three different people I worked with when I did theatre, right down to the googles perched on the forehead with mismatched lenses. I've seen arc-v's opening and idk why but I really like the animation of him slinging his jacket over his shoulder. Really wonderful gender. One of those kids that didn't know about heterosexuality until he was at least ten, then proceeded to be very upset and confused by the concept. The guy leading the rowdy table at waffle house at 10pm that will at some point burst into song and disturb every patron's night but their own.

Yusaku: The kid at the same waffle house just trying to order a coffee. Draws in the margins of his notebook. Skateboards. He does not like to talk about either of these things, but then one day you show him a video with like a million views of some guy inking a giant masterpiece, or doing a backside tailslide off a shipping container and he'll just casually go "Oh hey that's me." Desperately in need of a stim toy and a hug.

Yuga: Had a phase where he was obsessed with firefighters. Also likes to light things on fire. Is shocked everytime when the result of lighting a thing on fire is Thing: *Is On Fire*. I don't think he uses hair gel I think he just scrunches up his eyebrows and concentrates really hard and his hair just Does That. Really wants a dog. Shockingly good at math, favorite number is 25. All of his pencils have bite marks and the erasers are completely chewed off.

Yudias: Looks like a glaceon. It's really heartwarming to see yugioh continually get autistic representation right; a lot of stories don't include the fact that we carry swords and can fire lasers from our eyeballs. Every time I see him I want to hand him a wrapped sandwich, a babybel cheese, and a clementine. Would probably enjoy keeping plants on the windowsill. Every picture I see of him, he is either wondrously excited, or completely baffled, to find himself in the situation he is currently in.

[applesfallingfromblondehair]

Here is the requested excerpt from Attitude Magazine, where he talks about questioning his sexuality and attending therapy:

“When I was 14 or 15, I had a period of thinking I might be gay and I spoke to my mother about it. It was [a time] in my life where I was having anxieties about all sorts of things, panic and fears. I had some therapy and I was latching on to things to be anxious about.”

He continues: “It was part of a period of my life where my mind was figuring things out. You question everything, there are hormones...”

His mother, a single parent, did all the things you would want an understanding mother to do to help. “I think she knew in some ways because I was going through all sorts of other anxieties that I was just in a chaotic ‘looking for things to worry about’ period of my teens.”

These anxieties occupied his mind for about a year before therapy helped him get his head around his angst. “It was about a year where I was worried about everything. I went through a phase of obsessively washing my hands. I just went through a neurotic time.”

Does that still exist in him?

“Somewhere, I think, but that was bordering on OCD, and that isn’t in me any more. I still have a capacity to worry and be anxious about things, but it was crippling then. There were times I didn’t want to leave the house. One of those anxieties was about my sexuality.”

It’s a brave admission for a straight Hollywood leading name, to acknowledge that he has questioned his sexuality. And it’s not all that different to how young people today think about sexual identity as fluid compared with traditional, fixed ideas.

He puts part of that confusion down to a creative side that was at conflict with growing up in a small town in Wales, and being more comfortable in drama class than the traditionally masc activities such as football. The experience helped open his eyes to what his gay friends might have been going through when they were coming out, and the kind of fears they had.

“It was a very real feeling to me and I was very panicked and upset about how I would be perceived. That is not the same as going through it for real but there is some understanding of what it might be like, and I remember that feeling acutely. It was terrifying.

“I am not comparing that to living it for real but I am saying that I guess there is a small kernel of that which I have experienced.”

He also credits his stepfather, who heads a homeless charity, as being a bedrock of liberal, forward-thinking ideas that filtered through to him. “I have never had people in my life who exposed me to any prejudices. People aren’t born prejudicial, you learn it and I never had that. So, it never factored in my thinking.”

(Me again: I think it's great that he took initiative and got therapy. That's actually nice to hear. Did the therapist convince him he's not gay, we'll never know. But at the very least, it sounds like he got help with his other issues)

Whew, so much to unpack here.

1. "I was latching onto things to be anxious about."

Alright, sure. Sounds like the biggest cop out I've ever heard of in my life, but sure. 🤷🏻‍♀️

2. "There are hormones..."

Yes, Taron, that is correct. There are hormones, and they do spike during adolescence, but then they do not exactly go away, do they.

3. "I was just in a chaotic, 'looking for things to worry about' period of my teens."

This just sounds like something someone told him, which he is repeating more or less verbatim (and probably has been doing for ~20 years now?). I'd like to clarify I do NOT believe the man was sent to actual conversion therapy, but oh my god his therapist must have been shit.

4. "One of those anxieties was about my sexuality."

Sexuality is not a brand of anxiety. I will admit, sexual confusion is definitely a fertile environment for anxious feelings and sometimes actual fear, but you can't just boil your queer panic down to "anxiety", in my humble opinion.

5. "That is not the same as going through it for real" / "I am not comparing that to living it for real"

Taron, honey, who gaslit you to the point of believing this strongly that your feelings about your own (albeit limited) life experience and perception of yourself/the world were not valid? I'd like their phone number or address, I need a chat. 🙄

And, lord save me, even after all this, the person writing the article proceeds to outright call him straight. Welp.

I hope this has provided some more context as to what I've been talking about for days, months, and years now. This entire thing makes me supremely sad for him, and I hope someone, somewhere, somehow will be able to undo this damage. 💔

(Thank you so much for this @whenrockwasyoung19, a true public service to the community. ❤️)

[ener-chi]

About Me

Hello!

Even though I've had this blog for a couple of years (and been on Tumblr for a decade), I wanted to do kind of a formal about me, for those that are new to this blog, and have questions about me and my Path.

My name is Zach. I'm 24, he/him pronouns. I'm queer, and would call myself a relationship anarchist. Outside of spirituality, I enjoy making music, photography, videography, video games, hiking/camping, and board games, especially DnD. If DnD classes are any indication about personality, I find myself most often playing as a monk, a sorcerer, or a DM.

As far as my spirituality goes... It's kind of a long story.

Looking back, I've always been very empathic and claircognizant. I have always had the ability to know how someone is feeling, being around them, from a glance, or even remotely. When I was in 9th grade, I called it "my superpower" lmao. And for claircognizance... I've always been able to look at somebody and just... Know certain things about them. Insecurities, fears, desires. It just came to me.

The other big thing that I should've clocked is that ever since like... 4th grade?? Every 9 months or so I would go through this really big obsessive phase about the psychic and paranormal and the Beyonds. I would do some research, try some stuff, go "mhehh" and then forget about it, only to get completely caught up in it 9 months later.

Anywho, I didn't really pay any attention to any of that until my big spiritual awakening a few years ago. In a nutshell, I was a Nihilist Atheist for many years, but that all completely changed when I tried acupuncture. Lying there on the table, I felt my energy, my chi, moving around on the table for the first time. This experience shattered my philosophical ideas about the universe, and prompted me to investigate further.

At that point I had felt this... Calling, this pull to move to the PNW for about a year or so. I decided that I wanted to move up there and to pursue school for Chinese Medicine, as I had incredible results with acupuncture and wanted to learn more.

And so, with a lot of preparation and hard work, I finally did move - all by myself. I remember on the drive up having this distinct feeling that I had like... Passed some kind of test, or like answered some kind of call. I didn't really think much of it. The following weeks, everything blew wide open for me.

I became incredibly more sensitive to energy. I astral travelled for the first time, where I met one of my guides. I began to see auras. I developed and cultivated clairvoyance and clairaudience. I began doing readings, with great success, to my surprise. I began learning and developing my skills with energy work.

Soo much has happened since that first explosive period since moving, and my Path has really changed since then. Actually, if you were curious, most of my progress throughout the whole process should be here somewhere on my blog.

So how would I describe my Path now? I am not really one for labels, but I mostly describe myself as a Buddhist and a Taoist. I'm an astral traveler, an energy worker, a spirit worker, and a Reiki Master. I've worked closely with the Forest and the Fae. I also work with some of the Norse Pantheon, mostly Skadi and Odinn. I don't really like calling myself a Witch, but a lot of the stuff that I do overlaps with Witchcraft. So if I were to use that label, I would call myself a Reductionist Witch.

This blog has had many roles for me over the years. It started out as an archive, a place to store knowledge and references (and still is! You can find my reference guide here). Then, I used it to document my Path, and to interact with the spiritual community. Nowadays it is mostly that, a place to interact with the community and do readings, as well as a place to post all of my fav content.

So yeah! In a nutshell... This is me ((: I try to help people as much as I can, and my inbox is always open if you have any questions.

Welcome to my blog!

Blessings!

[uncurlinglikeflowers]

Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well. 

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked. 

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things. 

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure. 

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance. 

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before. 

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him. 

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay. 

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways. 

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts. 

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most. 

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval. 

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family. 

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general. 

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house 

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me. 

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles. 

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek. 

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life? 

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride. 

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today. 

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process. 

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.   

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection. 

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us. 

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

[nightswithkookmin]

What you think of fetus V who said in front of everyone "You seem to really like men" to Jimin? Youthful ribbing? Or a moment of insensitivity ? FWI saying you like girls or guys? Or calling close same sex friends u a couple? is actually common where am from. This has happened in my friend circle too actually. Except all of us are hets so no one take it seriously. Cant think a closeted person would find it that funny. Jimins lack of denial or even laughing it off always stood out to me tho.

What do I think of that comment?

I think we both know very often when people say they think a man likes men, they mean to say they think that man is Gay and very often when the g-word is used in a sentence, it is not meant as a compliment- imma give it to you straight, no bs. Lol.

The parlance gay and variations of it, in my opinion, is often used ubiquitously and traditionally as a slur slang among ignorant, non-progressive, anti homosexual individuals and is often rooted in malice.

And when malice isn't intended, ridicule is. The sad fact is, people adopt the terminology as ammunition to blatantly attack, dehumanize, belittle and strip away the dignity of queer folks and when the term is used in reference to non queer people it has a similar effect. It degrades them as well through the irony and humor of comparing them to gay people.

Gay jokes, if you will, is a subtle art of passive aggressively slurring gay folks if you think about it. I mean let's be honest.

Personally, I don't think Tae's intentions in that moment were malicious at all. I don't think he blurted out those words with the intension to ridicule Jimin either- stay with me. It will make sense in a bit.

But he called Jimin gay nevertheless. His comment if a joke, I'm afraid, reinforces these bizzare stereotypes of masculinity and promotes toxic rhetorics prevalent especially within Kpop shipping communities where every Male idol interaction is hyper sexualised and romanticized thus, suggesting a man cannot love another man, be affectionate or be fond of them unless they secretly lusted after them and harbored a desire to lay down pipes in their behinds- which, honestly is crazy coming from a guy with a cultural background such as the Korean culture where kinship is commonplace but more on that later.

I think whatever which way we want to look at it, it was an insensitive comment especially if you believe he meant it as a joke. It was definitely not his most woke moment, socially and culturally- and that's putting it lightly.

That 'gay' comment to me is right up there with all the problematic statements some, if not all, of the members have made over the years- the colorism, racist jokes, the ' eww, you too black,' 'akekeke- you too tanned shoo,' implying if you're black or tanned you are ugly. The fat jokes, the misogyny and misogynior- please don't ask me to give you examples of these. I don't want to ruin BTS for you. Lol.

There are commentaries on these out there on the internet. You can look it up for yourselves- You welcome. Lol.

For the record, BTS have since retracted, acknowledged and apologized for most of these questionable moments throughout the years and so we cannot hold it against them, forever- not to make excuses for them but they are human too. They learn, they unlearn, they make mistakes, they correct them, they grow and as NamJoon said, they really were a bit 'unsophisticated' and rough around the edges in their earlier years- even if it was just five years ago from now, chilee. They is a mess. Lmho.

I think it's all part of the human process honestly- don't worry BTS, I have a lot of space in my heart for y'all to be human and still love ya. Keep going sweeties. Y'all's doing greatness de la grande kind!! Bless y'all.

In V's case he was, since that incident, put as a judge on a show that allegedly featured queer folks and he seemed more welcoming of them than the other judges on the panel, excluding RM of course.

A year later, he would make a song that the LBGTQ plus fraction of Army would rally behind as a highly pro gay song- Stigma, which I find debatable but whatever. I mean, just because JK has stars, clouds and the sky in his lyrics don't make him an astronaut or an environmentalist fighting the good cause for the climate but to each his own.

Stigma was still something, I'll give him that.

Flashforward to five years later, and he would be recommending songs by gay artists, appreciating and promoting gay art and the artists behind them, sporting rainbow outfits, designing a BT21 character that is genderless, incorporating sign language in his speeches- he polished up. Woke the hell up. Politically correct. Yadda yadda yadda.

I think, like some of the others, he too learned his lesson. It's not ok to trivialize the oppression of others or make light of it-

Now that we've gotten the woke bit out of the way, on to our shipping business. Follow me, chop chop. Lol.

Firt of all, I don't think that moment is a big deal. But I find it interesting nonetheless.

Do I think Tae was teasing Jimin in that moment when he made that statement? It's not quite easy as yes or no.

Personally, I think he was clocking him.

This interview was conducted at a point in the timeline where I feel Jimin was shedding his image as the Maknae obsessed hyung in the group. He was coming into his own and embracing himself for who he is and that I think included his sexuality.

Prior to, he had in my opinion, since debut, slipped into the role of the queer jest of the group supplying queer humor and entertainment for listeners at radio shows by offering himself up for ridicule as the 'gay guy' within the group- I hated every bit of it. Lol.

You'd often hear the members refer to him as the one good with the guys, the boy in love with the Maknae- There is still a fraction of Army that see him as this persona but he has since outgrown that label and that phase.

RM was basically the Black jest of the group, offering himself up for ridicule for his darker skin tone right down to his blaccent. Can you do your black accent? They will ask him at interviews and he would proceed to deliver a walmart version of the Black American English. Sigh.

Compared to the previous year where he literally gasped and panicked when the members hinted at his sexuality or made statements that put his sexuality into question, Jimin seemed more in control and mentally prepared during this interview.

When the question was asked of him, the question of why he liked JK, his instincts it seemed was to steer the conversation away from his sexuality- a tactic the rest of the members would employ to avoid discussing Jikook a few months from that interview...

I mean, when Tae asked Jimin on JK's birthday that same year what he wanted to give JK, RM cut in before JM answered. Jimin had done the same thing when in an interview JK was asked if Jimin wasn't his style and JK was stuttering not knowing what to say in response. JM asked him not to answer the question.

When interviewers ask these questions, they do so for entertainment purposes- because who doesn't like gay jokes, amirite?

For heterosexual idols I assume it's not slippery slope for them to engage in these kinds of humor. They can play gay without risking exposing their heterosexuality and when they do play gay it's for jest.

It's not the same for queer idols I think.

Jimin was basically done being the butt of the gay jokes in 2015, he was done selling himself as the JK shit rainbows and I'm the unicorn fixated on him kinda person and it reflected in that conversation.

'I don't like everything about this boy. He ain't all that. But he is the Maknae and he cute so whatever' lol.

Like I said, I think Jimin was steering the conversation away from his sexuality but Tae's comment steered the conversation right back to it. 'I just think he likes men.'

Most South Koreans I've met in person and on the internet spend a considerable amount of time and energy trying to dispel the western notion of gayness projected on to Korean men for their skinship culture.

We like to glamorize gayness in these streets but in reality gay is stigmatized especially in places like South Korea. People don't readily read gay in Male interactions unless they were being homophobic or socially unaware.

To me, Tae's statement was more of an observation about Jimin, one which he felt a need to contribute to the discussion they were having, perhaps to provide insight into the inner workings of Jimin rather than as a joke or jest- or may be he did both.

Jimin managed to avoid opening himself up for the gay jokes and to this Tae then responded, I just think you is gay sir- The emphasis has been mine. Lol.

The thing about Tae is, in the earlier days he used to have a habit of 'exposing' Jimin whenever Jimin told half truths and what not.

For example, in 2014 during an interview when JM was asked what he wanted to do on his free days he had said he wanted to spend time with his family or something and Tae immediately checked him saying he was lying. Jimin then said he wanted to be with Jungkook which had JK fuming.

Was he teasing JM when he called him out for lying about his true desires? May be but I think he meant it too. Know what I mean?

He did the same thing when during their Paris VLive, Jimin got nervous when JK was singing 'know you love me boy, so that I love you,' in the background and Tae asked Jimin if he was nervous. Jimin snapped out of whatever whipped trance he was in and asked 'why would I be nervous' or something along those lines.

Why would Tae assume JM was nervous listening to another man sing? And why would Jimin be nervous in the first place?

And if at an interview Jimin is asked, why don't you like listening to the Maknae sing and JM responded that he is cute but he can't sing and Tae says well I think listening to Jk sing makes him nervous- would that be youthful ribbing or tea? Do you see where I'm going with this?

I see Tae as very observant- If not more observant than Jk. Their jokes are punchier because it is rooted in truth. He is stating his opinion, his observations and when he felt JM's answers were dishonest or inconsistent of his general notion of him, he called him out on that.

It's like him saying JM likes to pretend to be drunk in order to tell Tae he loves him- allegedly. Was it funny, yes. Was it a lie? I don't think so.

Jimin likes to pretend, we been knew. His boyfriend don spilled that tea already. I mean Jk said JM faked being asleep when he noticed the cameras filming him. He said also JM knows he is cute so sometimes he intentionally acts cute.

Tae used to tease Jimin a lot- hell he still teases him a lot to this day. Lol. Had Jimin looking at the back of his head like he wanted to quick punch him in the throat in the recent run, chilee. Lmho.

But you gotta ask, where is the lie in all those jokes?

The question I ask myself, and I think we ought to ask ourselves as shippers is, what about Jimin gave Tae that impression of him in the first place?

What made Tae, coming from a culture and background where 'gay' is a taboo and skinship is prevalent assume that if Jimin liked JK then it was because he liked men or was gay?

Even if Tae meant it as a Joke- no one laughed. Lol. That awkward silence that ensued... now that's how you know he had deadass made a 'gay comment' for real. Lmho.

They were all silent, waiting for JM's response and only laughed when JM responded to Tae- isn't that how it usually goes when you are the one queer person at the het dinner table? The tasteless jokes, awkward silences and stares? Just me? Oh, never mind then. Keep reading. Lol.

Imagine if JM hadn't responded or had gay panicked like he did a year before that interview, when RM revealed JK had been sneaking into JM's bed at night?

Dude was legit ready to throw JK under the bus had it not been for the shady camera guy behind the cameras. Deadass, Jimin was pointing accusing fingers at JK and everything- so much for gay love. Lmho.

The question still remains, what makes you look at your heterosexual friend and go- hey, that's gay. Think about it.

If Tae thought Jimin liked men, even as a joke, it's probably because Jimin had been giving him a reason or reasons to believe he actually liked boys beyond the usual daily doze of gay prevalent within K-culture.

It's similar to JK feeling uncomfortable when Jimin in 2014 described their relationship as one between love and friendship. Jimin responding with male friends can love eachother too without being gay would imply JK was interpreting his words and actions towards him as laced with romantic and sexual subtext or intent.

Now why would JK assume this if men touching men and feeling up on eachother in their culture was a normal thing?

There are gay men in Korea you know?

Tae and Kook were both hyper aware and curious of Jimin's sexuality in that period- for different reasons of course. In my opinion.

Not sure if Jimin's androgynous features played a role in these suspicions and assumptions they had of him in the early days because androgynousity in men is often ignorantly profiled and stereotyped as queer.

Tae seemed convinced JM was queer at least and JK was projecting his own queerness on to Jimin a lot- cough, cough.

It seemed to me also that Tae for whatever reason had the impression JM had a thing for him? I'll save my VMin agenda for delulu Fridays but chilee I don't know, Jimin has been on an agenda to friendzone that man since those manly mans thawed off his chest. Lol.

VMIN... ok.

I mean Jimin's response to Tae was more to deflate Tae's ego than to deflect or evade the issue and I wonder why. 'You are so full of yourself' 'I may like men, but I don't like you' and Tae responds with 'really' as if he's been challenged or dared- ever had your straight friends assume you like them just because you are queer?

Anywho, for whatever reason, Jimin seemed to be the only member in the group around the early days whose words and actions were put through the queer litmus test.

Also, I think a distinction ought to be made between calling two same sex friends a couple and calling them gay.

Calling two friends a couple is inconsequential- except when their sexuality is on the line. Calling two same sex friends you know are straight a couple is nothing but a gay joke.

BTS do this all the time. Jimin called Namjin a couple, Tae kook a couple, himself and Suga a couple, himself and JK a couple.

Jk has equally referred to others within the group as a couple, made heart signs above them, and have even held his chest and said he never thought he would fall for a guy.

In none of these instances did he or any of them imply that they or the persons they were referring to were queer or liked men and I wouldn't make much of such comments.

When JK was called out for gifting a present to Jimin and not the others, Tae teased JK as well and his gestures implied to me, 'it's ok to like him, I know you like him, you like JM don't you, uWu' and other variations of these.

But he in no way hinted at the sexuality of JK explicitly or implicitly- not in a way that prompts a response or rebuttal from JK like it did in Jimin's case.

I guess what I'm saying is that, that moment is nothing but something at the same time. You look at Tae's personality and his reputation within the group as the one with no filter who blurts out things that often has BTS running helter skelter- that 'I want to see your children" comment at Festa almost gave RM an aneurysm. Lmho.

Then they had to literally take his mic away from him when he started talking about meeting a pretty chick or something at a fansigns.

You consider the history between him and Jimin, the context behind that comment and the things that was said after that comment- the interviewer said 'well JK is really handsome...' which means he took the 'joke' Tae had made to mean JM had romantic interest in JK- something I feel JM was trying to avoid.

I don't think Tae meant anything by it. I don't think he knew at the time JM was queer but I do believe he suspected he was.

Hope this helps,

Signed,

GOLDY

[adorpheus]

on fujoshi and fetishization

Lately, more and more, both here on tumblr and on other sites, I keep seeing people spew unfiltered hatred at fujoshi - that is, women who like mlm content such as gay fanfic and fanart featuring men with other men. And I don’t mean like a specific type of fujoshi, like the ones who are genuinely being weird about it, but just like a general hatred for girls (but especially straight identifying girls) who express love for gay romance.

I hate to break this to you all, but women (including straight women!) actually are allowed to like mlm fanfiction and fanart, even enthusiastically so. A woman simply expressing her love of gay fanfic, even if it is in kind of a cringey way or a way that you personally don’t like, is NOT automatically fetishization.

I’ve been on the receiving end of fetishization for my entire life, from a very young age, as many black and brown folx have, so I consider myself pretty well acquainted with how it works. Fetishization isn’t just like, being really into drawings of boys kissing, or whatever the fuck y’all are trying to imply on this god forsaken site. 

Fetishization is complicated imo, and can encompass a lot of things, such as (but not limited to):

1 - dehumanization, e.g. viewing a group of people as sexual objects who exist purely for entertainment purposes, rather than acknowledging them as actual people who deserve respect and rights

and

2 - projecting certain assumptions onto said people based on their race/sexuality/whatever is being fetishized. These assumptions are often, but not always, sexual in nature (like the idea that black people in general are more sexual than other races, etc etc etc).

I’m going to use myself as an example to illustrate my point. Please note this isn’t the best or most nuanced example, but it is the most simplistic. A white person finding me attractive and respectfully appreciating my black features as part of what makes me beautiful is not, on its own, fetishization. A white person finding me attractive solely or mostly because I’m a PoC is now in fetishization territory. Similarly, assuming I’m dominant because of my blackness (like saying “step on me mommy” and shit like that) is hella fetishistic. 

That being said, theres definitely a difference between how fetishization works in real life with real people, and how it shows up in fandom. 

Fetishization manifests in many different ways in fandom, but most commonly on the mlm side of things, I personally see it appear as conservative (or centrist) women who love the idea of two men together, but don’t actually like gay people, and don’t necessarily think LGBT+ people deserve rights (or “special treatment” as its sometimes dog whistled). These women view queer men as sexual objects for entertainment rather than an actual group of people who deserve to be protected from systemic oppression. I’ve noticed that they often don’t even think of the men they “ship” together as actually being gay, and may even express disgust at the idea of a character in an mlm ship being headcanon’d gay. In case its not obvious, this is pretty much exactly the same way a lot of cishet men fetishize lesbians (they see “lesbian” as a porn category, rather than like, what actual LGBT people think of when we read the word lesbian). There’s a pretty popular viral tweet thread going around where someone explains seeing this trend of conservative women who like mlm stuff, and I have also personally witnessed this phenomenon myself in more than one fandom. 

The funny thing is, maybe its just me buuuut.... The place I see this particular kind of fetishization happen most is not in the anime/BL fandom, from which the term fujoshi originates - I actually see these type of women way way more in western fandom spaces like Supernatural, Harry Potter, and Hannibal. I can’t stress this enough, there’s a shocking amount of people who are like, straight up trump supporters in these fandoms. If you want to experience it, try joining a Hannigram or Destiel group on facebook and you will probably encounter one eventually especially if you happen to be living through a major historical event. Like these women probably wouldn’t even be considered “fujoshi”, because that term doesn’t really apply to them given they aren’t in the BL/anime fandom, yet they’re the ones I personally see actually doing the most harm.

Of course this isn’t the ONLY kind of fetishizing woman in the mlm/BL world, there are other ways fetishization shows up, but this is the most toxic kind that I see.

A girl just being really into BL or whatever may be “cringe” to you, or she may be expressing her love for BL in a “cringey” way, but a straight woman really enjoying BL is not, on its own, somehow inherently fetishization. Yes, sometimes teenage girls act kind of cringe about how much they like BL and that might be annoying to you, but its not necessarily ~problematic~. 

That being said, IT NEEDS BE REMARKED that a lot of the “fujoshi” that you all hate so deeply, are actually closeted trans men or nonbinary people who haven’t yet come to terms with their gender identity, or are otherwise just NOT cishet. I know because I was one of these closeted people for years, and I honestly think tumblr and the cultural obsession around purity is one of the many reasons I was closeted so deeply for so long. STORYTIME LOL!!! In my early adolescence, I was a sort of proto “fujoshi”. I identified as a bi girl who was mostly attracted to men, or as most (biphobic) people called it, “practically straight”. I wrote and read “slash” fanfic and looked at as well as drew my own fanart. We didn’t use the term fujoshi back then, but that’s definitely how I could have been described. I was obsessed with yaoi, BL, whatever you want to call it, to a cringe-inducing degree. I really struggled to relate to most het romances, so when I first discovered yaoi fanfics (as we called them at the time), I fell in love and felt like I finally found the type of romance content that was made for me. I didn’t know exactly why, I just knew it hit different. LGBT+ fanart and fanfiction brought me an immense amount of joy, and I didn’t really think too hard about why.

At some point, in my early 20s, after reading lots of discourse™ here on tumblr and other places like twitter, I started to get the sinking feeling that my passion for gay fanfiction was ~problematic~. I had always felt a sense of guilt for being into mlm content, because literally anyone who found out I liked BL (especially the men I dated) shamed me for liking it all the fucking time (which btw is literally just homophobic, like can we talk about that?). In addition to THAT bullshit, now I’m seeing posts telling me that girls who like BL are cringey gross fetishists who inspire rage and should go die? 

Let me tell you, I internalized the fuck out of messages like this. I desperately wanted to avoid being ~problematic~. At the time, I thought being problematic was like the worst thing you could be. I was terrified of being “cancelled”, before canceling was even really a thing. I thought to myself, “oh my god, I’m gross for liking this stuff? I should stop.” I beat myself up over this. I wanted so badly to be accepted, and to be deemed a Good Person by the internet and society at large.

I tried to shape up and become a good ally (lmfao). I stopped writing fanfic and deleted all the ones I was working on at the time. I made a concerted effort to assimilate into cishet culture, including trying to indulge myself more deeply in the few fandoms I could find that had het content I did enjoy (Buffy, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, etc). I would occasionally look at BL/fanfic/etc in private, but then I would repress my interest in it and not look for a while. Instead I would look at women in straight relationships, and create extremely heterosexual Couple Goals pinterest boards, and try to figure out how I could become more like these women, so I, too, could be loved someday. 

This cycle of repression lasted like eight years. Throughout it all, I was performing womanhood to the best of my ability and trying to become a woman that was worthy of being in a relationship. I went in and out of several “straight” relationships, wondering why they didn’t make me feel the way reading fanfic did. Most of all, I couldn’t figure out why straight intimacy didn’t work for me. I just didn’t enjoy it. I always preferred looking at or making gay fanfiction/fanart over actual intimacy with men in real life. 

Eventually, I stumbled upon a trans coming out video that someone I was following posted online, my egg started to crack, and to make an extremely long story short, after like 3 years of introspection and many gender panic attacks that I still experience to this day, I realized that I’m uh... MAYBE... NOT CIS..!? :|

I truly believe if I had just been ALLOWED TO LIKE GAY STUFF WITHOUT BEING SHAMED FOR IT, I probably would have realized I was trans way way sooner. Because for me, indulging in my love of gay romance and writing gay fanfic wasn’t me being a weirdo fetishist, it was actually me exploring my own gender identity. It is what helped me come to terms with being a nonbinary trans boy.

Not everyone realizes they are trans at age 2 or whatever the fuck. Sometimes you have to go through a cringey fujoshi phase and multiple existential crises to realize how fucking gay you are AND THATS FINE.

And one more thing - can we just be real here? 

A lot of anti-fujoshi sentiment is literally just misogyny. omg please realize this. Its “women aren’t allowed to enjoy things” but, like... with gay fanfics. Some of the anti-fujoshi posts I see come across my dash are clearly ppl projecting a caricature they invented in their head of a demonic fujoshi fetishist onto any woman who expresses what they consider to be a little too much enthusiasm for gay content and then using their perception of that individual as an excuse to justify their disdain for any women, especially straight women, ‘invading’ their ~oh so exclusive~ queer fandom spaces.

 god get over yrselfs this is gatekeeping by another name

idk why i spent so long writing this no one is even going to read it, does anyone even still use this site

*EDIT: HOLY SHIT WHEN DOING RESEARCH FOR THIS POST I FOUND OUT THAT Y-GALLERY IS BACK OMG!!! 

[flipflap-flipflap]

[Alright take-two on this damn post.  First one got eaten by post editor right as I was ready to post.  You see how long this is?  Save to drafts, kids.]

I’m here to shove a manga on you: Ookami Shounen Wa Kyou Mo Uso O Kasaneru (The Boy Who Cried Wolf Also Told a Lie Today).  It’s a gender bending romance.  Despite how awful that probably sounds, it’s actually really fucking good and I do not say that lightly. 

(No spoilers, this is all in the first chapter)  A high school boy insecure about his intimidating face, Itsuki, has fallen for a shy loner girl, Tokujira, who does not seem specifically phased by his naturally scary face.  So he takes a risk and confesses, but she turns him down brutally.  Itsuki goes to his sister to lament his insecurities about his face, which he (more or less correctly) attributes as why he can’t make connections.  To give him a new perspective on his appearance, his sister (trans btw) gives him a makeover while he’s sleeping and then kicks him to the curb of her salon - fully crossdressed.  On his way home, Itsuki (♀) ends up bumping into Tokujira, and she mistakes him for a boyish girl.  Under this misunderstanding, she asks "her” for a favor...

She has androphobia, and she has it bad.  So much so she can’t even look at men without snapping violently or becoming physically ill.  And Itsuki (♀) is just boyish enough to trigger her, but not enough to lock her down.  So she asks for “her” help, to see if she can desensitize herself to her phobia. Itsuki’s in a bind for a couple obvious reasons, not the least being the guilt of deceiving Tokujira. But nonetheless, he genuinely wants to help her.  So, he decides to continue crossdressing, diving into a lie that he soon finds he has no easy exit from.

I really recommend this manga.  I cannot say that enough times.  It is phenomenal, shattering tropes left and right in fun and interesting ways.  Do yourself a favor and give this manga a try.

Personal feelings and meta analysis below the cut.  It’s, uh, ungodly long, and will get very spoilery.  But I will flag spoilers.  And there will be pretty pictures?

(Also, no, I did not go into this planning to compare a manga about crossdressing to the abolitionist writings of Frederick Douglass, but reality deserves to be a bit absurd sometimes.)

Before you think I’m getting spoilery, with the intro I gave or anything I don’t mark as spoilers, I’m really not.  Everything outside of spoilers is right on the package at the start.  It sounds like I’m spoiling late-game stuff, right?  That’s something that was really fantastic to me: this manga doesn’t spoon feed you.  There’s no arcs of pure silent angst, even at the lowest point in the story. These kids are smart, they think and intuit on the spot, and they share what they’re feeling with each other like good friends do.  Like that next panel down there with Itsuki introspecting about his confidence level while crossdressing?  That’s from the first chapter!  These kids are smart.  And god damn that is so nice to see.

There was a lot I liked about this manga, but at the top is how compelling the protagonist and his internal conflict are.  Right from the first chapter he’s already wracked with guilt about what he’s about to do: deceive this girl by pretending to be a safe space.  But Tokujira told Itsuki (♀) she hopes to one day be able to fall in love, and Itsuki wants to ensure she can have that - even if it’s not him that gets to confess to her.  He’s fully aware of exactly how fucked up what he’s doing is, and is appropriately beating himself up over it in a really realistic way.  But although the guilt never fades, it slowly gains company in happiness. He enjoys this new, fragile life he has constructed around the two precious new friends he's made as a girl.

It was probably easy to gloss over in the synopsis, but arguably the biggest part of Itsuki (♂)’s conflict is his complex about his face.  He looks dangerous, and because of that he is afraid to even lift his head or smile in front of others.  But as Itsuki (♀), he smiles and laughs without fear.  It becomes immediately clear to him on the first day that he's a more confident person while crossdressing.  Happier in a way he can't be as a man.

Botan is easily my favorite character in the series.  She’s introduced early on, as Tokujira’s first and only friend before Itsuki (♀).  At the start she’s a dangerous third wheel, a serious threat to Itsuki’s ability to keep up his lie.  And though the situation is (thankfully) defused rather quickly, she becomes a massive source of internal conflict for Itsuki. Nonetheless, she becomes a dear friend for both Itsuki ♂ and ♀. She’s just so...*chef’s kiss*

^This face is the repository of all my love and affection.

Mark my words, this is the first and I assume last time I will ever say this: love triangle good. You know it’s inevitable in a romance genre piece, but this manga approaches the trope in a new and compelling way. [Spoiler] Needless to say, it’s between Itsuki, Tokujira, and Botan.  But...there’s two Itsukis involved, ♂ and ♀, and in the center of it all is this lie. His lie stops being about him: it's about not hurting these two girls he cares so much about. [/Spoiler]

On a more personal note, I saw so much of myself in Itsuki’s older sister, Ibuki.  She runs a salon, catering especially to crossdressers and transwomen.  She’s a self-described “Youthling”, an alien from the planet Youth, obsessed with observing the exciting and turbulent lives of the youths of earth.  For more or less for the same reasons most of us do: transpeople don’t tend to get the youths we want, if we allow ourselves to experience youth at all. So it’s nice to be able to enjoy it vicariously, through this younger generation that is able to more fearlessly pursue the lives we couldn't. 

^Incidentally, one of my favorite interactions in the manga.

Despite getting Itsuki into this crossdressing mess, she’s someone he can always return to and confide in, and get good, helpful advice from.  Her whole philosophy is to give young people agency to explore their identities and find themselves, and though she tells Itsuki the road he's taking is dangerous as soon as she learns what he's doing, she'll always support him however she can.

That, I feel, is what separates her from other, more creepy/pedophilic enabler types, like Sawako from K-On! or Lucoa from Dragon Maid. It’s a refreshingly honest and respectful portrayal of a quirky adult just trying to be a good older sister.

The last thing I want to say, and I’m not going to even mark this as a spoiler because of course it’s going to happen and if you can’t predict that then you’re not my problem, is that Itsuki of course eventually has to drop his lie.  All I’ll say about it is that it is probably going to live in my head for years. Everything about it, the lead up, the execution, the fallout, and the recovery, are all so masterfully crafted for maximum emotional impact.

That’s all I want to say exclusively about my personal feelings.  On to analysis.  There will be a lot more contextual spoilers here that, even without reading the parts I’ve specially blocked off will probably leak through.  Read at your own risk, but I would recommend revisiting after you have finished the manga.

One thing I really want to talk about is language.  That’s right, I’m going to compare a crossdressing manga to The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, the autobiography of a freed slave turned abolitionist. Douglass talks about a concept that has remained imprinted on my mind ever since I first read it: how and why slaves struggled to comprehend the concept of freedom.  This wasn’t anything to do with fear or “racial inferiority” like pro-slavers would argue, but rather with a lack of vocabulary.  They have all of these feelings and things they know to be true, but lack the words to make meaningful sense of them.  For Douglass specifically, his life completely changed when he learned the word “abolition.”  It was like a floodgate burst, as he was suddenly able to put meaning to feeling, create context from chaos.

And that’s right, we see that happen in a big way, with Tokujira.  This should be an obvious development, but as it happens late in the manga I will mark it [Spoiler].  As Tokujira and Itsuki (♀) practice things like talking, eye contact, holding hands, etc., Tokujira naturally starts to fall for Itsuki (♀).  But she doesn’t understand that.  An important part of her character is that, growing up, she focused on expanding her vocabulary as much as humanly possible in the hopes of being able to better articulate herself.  So words are very important to her.  It’s not until she sees a work of lesbian fiction on display that she finally realizes that’s the word she’s looking for.  The floodgate bursts, and all of her emotions suddenly make sense.  She realizes she loves Itsuki (♀). [/Spoiler]

And I think that is a vital and underexplored concept when discussing LGBT youth, especially in countries where even knowledge of these concepts is taboo.  The reason so many LGBT youth struggle with their identities, especially trans youth, is because we do not have the vocabulary to conceptualize our feelings.  I am always excited to see this concept play out, especially in this context.  It’s such an important thing that needs to be addressed more broadly.

Moving on, I want to talk about historical context of the genre as it relates to what the author did here.  Notably, I want to talk about a specific trope rampant in Japanese queer fiction, specifically early lesbian fiction: the idea that queerdom is a meaningless, youthful phase that children will naturally and inevitably grow out of.  It’s problematic for obvious reasons.

[HELLA HELLA SPOILERS]  My kneejerk reaction to the ending of this manga was that the author fell into this trope.  In the end, Itsuki comes to the conclusion that he does not need to crossdress.  So again, kneejerk.  But...it really wasn’t like that.  He never had any dysphoria; crossdressing was always just a necessity of his circumstance.  Nonetheless he learned to analyze and value his experience crossdressing as a woman, and because of that grew as a man.  And as part of his journey to understand his identity we, through him, see why some people crossdress.  Along with his example, we see why his sister, a bona fide post-op transsexual, has made it a permanent change to her life.  Likewise, we see Miyama, who crossdresses purely for the gender euphoria, but has no (stated) interest in going all the way.  These are all presented as valid and meaningful. [/Spoiler]

Crossdressing, and gender nonconformity in general, is portrayed not as some one-dimensional fetish like cultural taboo would depict it to be, but rather a meaningful exercise for exploring and critically analyzing your own identity.  For some, yes, it’s a phase, but an importantly transformative one when done right.  While for others, it is a gateway to a new way of experiencing and enjoying life.  Or, it’s fun just for the pragmatic reasons...

I honestly cannot recommend this manga enough.  Tragically, I cannot imagine it ever getting an official english translation, so you’ll have to settle for a  scanlation like the one I linked in the title up top (and here, again).  It’s a really good translation, though the site is predictably sketchy.  Warning for lots of NSFW ads.

Read it, and then come talk to me about it!!!  There is basically zero fan community and I need to fangirl with someone!

[identybeautynet]

Shygirl Talks ‘BDE’ With Slowthai, Skincare, and Opulent Meals

Shygirl Talks ‘BDE’ With Slowthai, Skincare, and Opulent Meals Courtesy Burberry “Read my lips, I need a big dick boy. Ain’t nobody slanging it right,” the musician Shygirl raps on the opening lines of her new song “BDE,” featuring Slowthai. It’s a bold claim, and one that speaks to the East London native’s life mantra: freedom is everything. “If someone said to you, you can do whatever you want in this room, you’d do something that you wouldn’t usually do,” Shygirl says over Zoom, where she’s speaking from her home in South London. “It’s about being able to run away with some aspects of yourself, less about being something different, but in each of these spaces, you’re allowed a bit more room to breathe.” The artist, who makes bass-heavy, club-ready tracks that straddle electro, pop, and hip-hop, is known for fashion and beauty looks that match her out-there, over-the-top music. Her deepest fantasies and whimsies make both the aesthetic and the music—and fashion brands like Burberry have taken note. (The brand’s creative director Riccardo Tisci cast Shygirl in his latest Burberry Beauty campaign after stumbling across one of her music videos on Instagram.) We caught up with Shygirl a few days before the release of “BDE” to discuss her proclivity toward skincare, her grandmother’s beauty tips, and why eating an opulent meal is the ultimate form of luxury. How did you come to make your latest single “BDE” with Slowthai? I wrote this single ages ago with Karma Kid. We were in the studio and I’d actually been up the night before at some warehouse party. I was definitely really hungover—I think I was probably still drunk when I got to the studio, so I was still kind of in that party mood. The words came really quickly as I was recording, which isn’t always the case. Sometimes I think of a hook and then we flesh it out later, or there’s a funny turn of phrase I’m playing with, and I start like that. But this one was based on a frustrating encounter I’d had with someone. And I was like, I’m just going to get this out in a song. I really wanted to work with a male vocalist and I’ve loved Slowthai’s energy for ages. I’m objectifying men so much in that song, I thought it would be nice to hand the mic over and and be like, Okay, I’ve said this—what do you have to say for yourself? Ty’s the person for that platform, because he doesn’t talk about sex that much on his tracks. So it was nice to have that Shygirl effect. We met up in the studio, hung out, and I was like, okay, the theme is sex—spin it, and be as crass and vulgar as possible because that’s the way I've set the stage. Shygirl wears Burberry Beauty in her video for “BDE.” I love the fantasy of the Tasty video. What was on your mood board for it, specifically when it came to the beauty looks? Growing up, my mom was really into ‘80s music. And I loved that ‘80s look: heavy blush on the face, and how expressive that is, especially when looking at the queer community being represented in music. There’s something about that that which speaks to freedom and playfulness, and there’s a massive synergy with where I’m coming from, which is take me serious in this space, but also not that serious. There’s also something exciting about not being within the confines of my facial features, and pushing those boundaries. That’s why I bleached my eyebrows and change the space that we’re able to use with all the makeup we do. I sent a lot of references over, but I’m really drawn to color palettes; I have phases of different colors that make me feel comfortable and happy. I’ve been lucky to work with some really great makeup artists who take my garbled references and moods that I tell them and make it look sexy. Because there’s something sexy about not staying within the lines. Onto the Beauty Notes questions. When you wake up in the morning, what’s the first thing you do, beauty wise? First thing I do is wash my face, ‘cause I’m probably still wearing mascara from the night before. I use the Garnier Micellar water as a cleanser, and I bought because it’s pink. Then, I put on the Aliver 24K Gold Collagen Eye Mask eye patches. I bought a pack of, like, 100. They make me feel like a modern-day American Psycho. Then I use the Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion, because there’s something watery about their products, they just feel light on your skin. And my skin’s really sensitive, so I don't usually wear much. I have a rose quartz roller that I use after I’ve moisturized, which I find so relaxing. I’ve also got to mention that, when I wash my face, I wash it with warm and then cold water. Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion $30 See On Sephora What does that do? Something about opening up your pores with the warm water and then tightening them with cold water. My grandma told me that when I was younger—my dad’s mum gave me this obsession with clear skin from a young age. We’ve kind of got it naturally and she takes really good care of it, as does my dad. Usually, people pick up beauty tips from their mum, but my mum was a bit more tomboy-ish. What’s a piece of skincare advice that you received from your grandmother that changed your perspective on beauty? My grandmother comes up with a lot of un-PC phrases. One of the un-PC things she used to say was, never trust a man with bad skin. I remember when I’d tell her about boys I fancied and she’d be like, oh no, his skin’s terrible. Also, she uses oils on her body, but not on her face. She’s big on oils. I have naturally curly hair, so I went through such a period of using loads of different greasy hair products, and she told me that all affects your skin. Whenever I FaceTime my nan and my dad, that’s the first thing they ask: are you eating right? I can see on your skin, you’re not getting enough of this or that. What’s the one product that you can’t live without? The Charlotte Tilbury Magic Night Cream. It’s literally the best money I’ve ever spent on a beauty product. It just does what it says, and I don’t feel like I need to use it that religiously, but I need to know that I have it, especially when I’m traveling a lot. And even in lockdown, I’ve had a lot of travel for work. The air dries out my skin, and sometimes I need it before I wake up, just to start the day fresh. Charlotte Tilbury Magic Night Cream $145 See On Sephora What’s your favorite product at this very moment? I only really wear mascara for eye makeup every day, and at the moment I’ve been wearing this really good mascara that Burberry makes. I like a spiky, wider mascara, ‘cause if that’s the only thing I’m wearing, I’m going to make sure it’s visible. I’m not too neat with it—I like a slightly messy mascara look because there are hints there, where you’re telling people who you are. I want to be expressive. Ultimate Lift Mascara $30 Burberry See On Burberry What’s the best makeup or skincare tip you’ve picked up on set? Exfoliating my lips. That’s something I didn’t do enough of; sometimes when I’m on set, we use wipes with a somewhat rougher texture before we put anything on my lips.   What’s your ideal spa day and where? I found this place recently called Beaverbrook in Surrey, just outside of London. In December, I just needed to get out of my house, I needed a spa break, I needed a massage, I needed to be in a hotel, I just needed something. It’s kind of a big deal spa, which I didn’t know, but I got a room after someone else’s cancellation. It was really nice—it’s in the countryside and it was raining the whole weekend, so I felt like I was in Wuthering Heights. I looked out onto the fields watching the rain, and just felt so British. Is going to the spa your favorite form of self-care? I take more care of my mind than my body—what’s sometimes good for the soul isn’t always good for your body. I’m self-indulgent, and the biggest thing that feeds me is doing something spontaneously. The idea that I can just pick up and do something that I want to do is what gratifies me the most. That could be taking the day, canceling a bunch of meetings to remind myself that I’m in control of my life. More times, it’s going out to a restaurant and eating something obscene. You know in Parks and Recreation when they’re like, “Treat yourself”? That’s my life. I really love a beautiful meal, and there’s something so opulent about being waited on in some form and having someone else make your food. We only include products that have been independently selected by W's editorial team. However, we may receive a portion of sales if you purchase a product through a link in this article. beauty tips: Shygirl Talks ‘BDE’ With Slowthai, Skincare, and Opulent Meals, Shygirl Talks ‘BDE’ With Slowthai, Skincare, and Opulent Meals, Shygirl Talks ‘BDE’ With Slowthai, Skincare, and Opulent Meals,  Read the full article

[kinglazrus]

For the prompt list thing any chance you wanna do random, #5?

Random #5 - “I would call you an imbecile but that’d be cruel as you wouldn’t be able to spell it.”

It Could be Weird

Danny’s life is weird. Everybody knows it. Even if they don’t know about his part-timejob of being dead, they know about his eccentric ghost-hunting parents, and his uptight psychology obsessed sister, and his own eternal fascination with space.

They know the food in his lunchbox is sometimes alive. They know the lump in his backpack’s water bottle holder isn’t a water bottle but a compact ectogun. They know Danny sleeps above a portal to another dimension.

But they don’t know the weirdest thing about Danny’s life which, amazingly enough,is not the fact that he’s half-dead. It’s that for the past five nights Danny has come home from ghost patrol to find Dash Baxter sitting in his living room, wearing glasses.

Tonight, Danny sneaks in through his bedroom window, phasing through the class. He dumpsthe thermos on his bed—he’ll empty it out later—shakes out the dust and dried ectoplasm from his hair and transforms. Snatching a hoodie off his chair, he fires a harmless ectoblast at his radio on his way out the door, cutting off the music he put on to make it seem like he was home.

He hops down the stairs, tugging the sleeves of his hoodie over his split knuckles, and pauses on his way to the kitchen. Just like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, Dash sits cross-legged in front of the coffee table. His homework is spread out before him, a textbook at his elbow, a pencil in his hand, and a frown on his face.

Jazz sits on the couch holding an identical textbook—Danny’s copy, he recognizes thebloodstain on the spine—and quietly talks Dash through a lesson on cellular development.

Despite coming home to a similar scene four days in a row, it’s still so bizarre thathe stares too long and Jazz catches him watching.

“Did you do your homework?” Jazz asks. The unspoken before ghost hunting lingers between them.

“No.”

“Liar.”

“Fine. I’m going to do it now,” he says.

“You’re still lying,” Jazz singsongs. She slips a page in Danny’s textbook and glances up at him. “You need to keep your grades up if you want to keep…”

She glances at Dash, who’s pencil has stopped moving and is sitting oddly still.

“… making friends. After school.”

“Making friends.” Danny raises an eyebrow at her. He wishes that’s what he was doing after school. It’d be a hell of a lot kinder on his bones.

Jazz flushes but refuses to be cowed. “Get your stuff, you’re working in here.”

Danny tips his head back, groaning, and heads back upstairs to get his backpack.

—

Danny hasn’t touched his homework in five minutes. He gnaws on the end of his pencil,the metal band squishing between his teeth, flicking the eraser with his tongue to make the pencil swing back and forth. Every few seconds, Jazz sends him an admonishing look over the top of Danny’s textbook.

“That’s not working,” she says.

“I’m contemplating the philosophic implications of my assignment,” Danny says.

Jazz doesn’t look impressed.

Danny doesn’t really blame her. His chin is resting on a math textbook.

“It’s important,” he says. “How can I figure out how many pounds of fudge Anabelle has leftover without first considering why she has it? Or where she got it from? Or what the hell a triangle has to do with it?”

Maybe she’s a distant relative of their father’s.

Jazz rolls her eyes and leans over Dash’s shoulder, scanning the questions he’s working on.

“This one’s wrong,” she says, pointing halfway down the page.

Dash huffs, scowling, and furiously erases his answer.

It fascinates Danny. He’s never seen Dash so focused on something that didn’t involve a football or beating Danny up. Not to mention the glasses. Since when does Dash have glasses? They’ve been in the same class since kindergarten and he’s never seen them before.

Not to mention, Dash hasn’t insulted Danny once since he sat down on the other side of the table. Maybe Dash got hit in the head by a stray ectoblast when Kitty showed up during gym class.

Danny spits his pencil out of his mouth, ignoring the disgusted look Jazz gives him,and says, “I thought you already proved you could tutor the ‘untutorable.’”

“I did,” Jazz says. Shaking her long sleeve out over her hand, she reaches out and swats Danny’s pencil back toward him. “I thought you were being philosophical about brownies.”

“Fudge,” Danny corrects her. “And I decided the Fenton appetite is beyond the comprehension of even the greatest philosophers.”

“Anabelle’s a Fenton now?”

“My favourite cousin.”

“Uh-huh.” Jazz closes her borrowed textbook and sets it down on the cushion beside her, folding her hands in her lap. “If you aren’t going to do your work you can just–”

“Jazz!” Their mother’s voice echoes up the basement stairs. “Can you come downhere for a moment?”

Jazz sighs but gets up without a fuss. She points at Danny before heading downstairsand says, “Be nice. Don’t distract my student.”

“Me? But he's­– wait, your student?”

Jazz turns away, leaving Danny sputtering and alone with Dash.

It takes Danny a moment to compose himself. When he does, he shoves his homeworkaside, slams his hand on the table, and leans across it into Dash’s personal space.

“Okay, what the hell, why do you keeping coming here?” Danny asks. “Are you hitting on my sister again? Because she already said no, don’t be a creep. I sent the last guy who messed with her to the Ghost Zone.”

Rather than leaning away, Dash gets in Danny’s face and sneers. “Chill out, Fenturd, don’t be an ass.”

“If you're–”

“I said chill out.” Dash shoves Danny’s face away. “You’re sister’s pretty smart, okay? And I need help with science.”

“You really think I’m gonna believe that?” Danny sits back and crosses his arms. Like hell. He remembers how gross Dash was hitting on his sister in ninth grade. Two years was not long enough to recover from that emotional travesty.

“I’m failing the class, okay?” Dash snaps, cheeks red. “I gotta pull my grade up to a C or else I’m off the football team.”

“Oh.” The fight goes out of Danny pretty quickly. He scratches his head and looksaway. “Okay, whatever. My grades aren’t that great either.”

“Yeah, but you’re a loser.”

“Seriously?” Danny glares across the table. “You can’t be civil for two seconds? I wastrying to be nice or whatever, but if you’re just gonna be an ass about it, fine. Wonder how you’re friends’d react to that.”

Dash wrinkles his nose. “What? They already know.”

“And they didn’t kick you out of your little club?” Danny asks flippantly.

“You think we’re that shallow?”

Danny stares at Dash. He can’t be serious. He can’t be that oblivious. All the A-listers care about are looks, money, and popularity, and Danny knows that firsthand.

“I bet Valerie does.”

Dash at least has the mind to look ashamed, and Danny feels a little vindicated at the sight of his downturned eyes.

“You guys were pretty damn cruel to her after she lost all her money. Are you telling me that wasn’t shallow?” Danny asks smugly.

“Like you’re so great, Fenton.”

“A hell of a lot better than you.”

Dash laughs. It’s loud and mocking, and he throws his head back as he does it. “Oh my god. You know how many times I’ve seen you brush off those friends of yours? Didn’t you, like, ditch them to go to a party freshman year? And you replaced them with robots once.”

“Hey, there was more going on there!” Danny defends himself. He doesn’t even know how Dash heard about the robots, but there was more to it, a ghost that could make you greedy.

Danny took care of it pretty quickly once he realized what was up, although that didn’t stop him from feeling like a massive jerk afterwards. But at least he didn’t mean it, and he knew he was a bad friend at that time.

“I don’t think you realize how much I don’t give a shit,” Dash says. “Just leave me alone, Fenton. And if you tell anyone besides my friends about this, I’ll shove you in so many lockers.”

Danny scowls. “Fine. Don’t flirt with my sister though.”

“No problems there. I’m not into girls.”

It takes Danny a second to process that. “Huh.”

“You got a problem with that?”

“What? No. Like, pretty much everyone I’m friends with is in the queer community,myself included. I thought you liked Paulina. And, you know, you flirted with my sister? And pretty much every single cheerleader.” Danny thinks back, trying to remember if there were any hints. Dash used to flirt with girls a lot, but he can’t actually remember him hitting on anyone in the past year. “You know what that is? Growth.”

“Don’t quote gifs at me, loser.” There’s less bite in Dash’s insult and more resignation. The sound of a man who will put up with what he hates for something he needs.

Danny almost smiles. Almost. Dash is still a massive dick, but Danny hates him a little less than usual right now, if only because he isn’t trying to get with Jazz after all.

They fall silent, Dash returning to his work while Danny just sits there and thinks. He glances toward the stairs once, wondering what’s taking Jazz so long, but doesn’t totally mind it. Being alone with Dash isn’t as horrible as he thought it’d be.

He gets bored pretty damn quickly though.

“Okay, the glasses, you have to tell me,” Danny says.

Dash groans, closing his notebook. “They’re glasses. I wear them and stuff gets less blurry. Fascinating.”

“Yeah, but I mean!” Danny waves his arms in a meaningless gesture. “Since when do you have them?”

“Since I got them.”

“Oh my god, I hate you.”

“Feeling’s mutual.”

“I’d call you a sap, but I think you’d punch me for it,” Danny quips, unable to resist.

“I’d call you a loser, but it’s redundant.”

“I can’t believe you know what redundant means.”

Dash glares at Danny. Normally that look makes Danny nervous, because it’s usually followed by a punch to the got or some other, equally painful retribution, but right now Danny’s actually enjoying himself and Dash doesn’t look like he’s about to snap.

“Quick, write the word down before you forget it,” Danny says, tapping Dash’s notebook.

“Shut up, you moron.” Dash swats Danny’s hand with his pencil.

“Oh no, you’re backsliding. Write it fast.”

“Shut up!”

“Want some help? Here, r-e-t-”

“You are such a fucking idiot.”

Danny beams. “I’d call you an imbecile, but I think that’d be cruel since you probably can’t spell it.”

“I swear to god, Fenton.”

“Hey, don’t be mean to my brother!”

Danny ducks his head to hide the shit-eating grin on his face as Jazz returns. She’s glaring at Dash, who sputters as he tries to defend himself, and Danny silently vows to join them for tomorrow’s study session, too, if this is what it’s going to be like.

[davinciandwilde]

A letter to my pastor

 I have been a child of your congregation since I was 12 years old

I have trusted and followed you for over half of my life and did everything I was told  

I still hold every single handout and paper from every sermon I have ever attended

Every guest speaker, every fill in the blank, any outside studies you recommended

Revelations and notes and independent studies saved onto a USB

It was because of you, I thought, that I was able to find and know peace

To find some measure in my roller coaster faith as I sang and swayed

I remember weeping in worship, I remember hope when the congregation prayed

I remember when this unexpected journey started, that betrayal and pain  

I remember waiting for somebody to notice, for God to send his people like a holy campaign

But no one saw my suffering or the road that I was taking. There were no miracles waiting.

I thought surely, in the church of God where the heart, his people, are pulsating

It is only a matter of time before a message, a sign, or a vision is gifted

It is only a matter of time before this journey will end or this weight lifted

It is only a matter of time, but that time never came, and I don’t blame you completely for that

I had a responsibility to reach out too, to rely on people and not a divine act

My point is that I crawled and broke and rebuilt myself in the safety of your walls

But Pastor I look around and realize it has been a long time since I felt safety in you at all

I find myself searching through my Bible to see if we are reading the same passage

Double checking your sermon, scanning word choice, researching context, like I’m back in English classes

It hurts, finding so much doubt where I once found so much hope and blessings

I guess an easier way to say this Pastor is I find myself second guessing

Only God may know how many queer kids you chased away from your congregation

Your passive response of ‘Love the sinner, hate the sin’ is a devastating placation

It only teaches that God’s love may be unconditional, but his people’s love is limited

Support is limited. Understanding is limited. Conversations are limited.

It taught my parents to not speak about me being forced to come out to them for 3 years

And the next time we did, it was a check in to see if this whole being gay phase had been cleared

You tell us there is only one church and we are all united under the spirit of God

If that was true, why do I feel guilt looking to attend other churches, like a fraud

Like I’m running away, but I am tired of sitting silently and telling myself to endure and just take it

I don’t think I’m asking for much when I look for a church that won’t lump me together with sexual predators and rapists

If I am honest, I feel only a small bit of relief when I think of leaving

It’s mostly fear that isn’t the church or its people or your preaching

But the religion I have devoted myself to, if it’s teachings were ever worth believing

Pastor, I am sorry, I know part of it is me, I know some of this is projecting

But there is a passivity to the real wars in front of you that bothers me, honestly!

Forget invisible wars and sins and satan and your obsession with adultery and pornography

If there is a problem with teenage pregnancy why not teach proper sex-ed in your youth classes?

If there is a problem with alcoholism, would you be willing to offer non-secular AA meetings to the masses?

If there is a problem with drugs, would be willing to use those same locations for church retreats for detox and recovery

If there is a problem with greed and corruption in America, why do you keep creating missions and leaving for other countries?  

In fact, let’s get radical, you like getting radical, and take it a step further

You say the world is dangerous and broken and in need of good Christian morals, all united together

Tell me then, what are we doing to serve the mothers and fathers in our poor communities?

Are we lobbying for jobs? For better housing or affordable rent? Are we building more opportunities?

What about living wages, better schools or public transportation? Maybe even homes instead of shelters

Are we looking to increase mental health awareness, or therapist availability or medicine, so folks can get stable before they can get better?

Are we offering to take the kids off the street who were kicked out of good Christian homes for being gay or transgender?

If as many folks in your church are Christian, as they claim, and each location has over a thousand members

Then why, in our little city, is it not possible to eradicate homelessness, sickness and hunger if so choose

Why are the needs of our community not being met with your good Christian values?

I know you go out into the city a few times and technically meet the bare minimum criteria

But you never seem to talk about it or have as many pictures than your mission trips to Africa or India

If you spent half of your million-dollar budget improving your hometown as you do on your mission trips

Then maybe we would have more to offer than food pantry’s and soup kitchens that are just a quick fix

If you can see the problem is systemic than why are we only taking care of the symptoms

Why is the church not leading a stand against this passive and heartless system?  

Why do we say the world is harsh when the survivor finds no protection in us?

Why do we say the world is cruel when the weak find no strength in us?

Why do we say the world is dividing us when the lonely find no community in us?

Why do we say the world is corrupt when the vulnerable find no comfort in us?

Why do we say the world is unrelenting when the wary find no peace in us?

Why do we say the world is hateful when the heartbroken find no love in us?

I was under the impression that the church was made for these and the least of us

But I do not see them in your church, Pastor. I do not see them.

[the-queer-look]

Bi Visibility is important

Bisexuality is frequently overlooked in our culture, and all too often perceived negatively, either as someone who’s faking, or someone who isn’t really queer. However, bisexuality is just as valid as being gay, or trans, or ace. Bisexuals deserve to be more visible in our society, and more accepted by our community, regardless of the gender of their partners.

- K

Name: Jessie

Age: 24

Sexuality: Bisexual

Location: Newtown

Occupation/area of study: Studying Primary Education at the University of Sydney and president of the Queer Society at University of Sydney (Shades)

I identify as either bi, or pansexual,depending on who I’m talking to, and how they see bi and pan. I know that some people see pan as problematic because it originates in bisexuality as a way to be more inclusive of trans and non binary people, but also that bisexuality explicitly includes trans and non binary people anyway. I understand both points of view on the bi/pan debate, but arguing about the semantics doesn’t really interest me. Safe to say that I can find myself attracted to people at any point on the gender spectrum.

This is my second year as the president of shades(University of Sydney Queer Society), I’m graduating at the end of this years so I won’t be doing that anymore… Unless I do another degree, or PHD! *laughs* no, I’m definitely going to be teaching for a year or two before I come back to do any other study.

Being president of Shades just sort of fell into my hands when my friend finished uni. I had no idea what I was doing but just persisted because I really didn’t want Shades to die. It’s a very important society, especially for first year queers just coming out and having their first experience both at uni, and expressing their sexuality for the first time. Shades can be just a great experience for people to just come and be social, and be themselves.

When I was nineteenI was diagnosed with an eating disorder and went into hospital for a period of time. That whole part of my life was very long and awful, but my fashion also went through a really drastic change through every part of it.In the initial stages of it, when I’d lostan incredible amount of weight, I started buying all of these really tiny, tight clothes. But when my disorder became more about bingeing, I became very ashamed of my body, and would try to buy clothes that would hide it. But because I’m low key obsessed with looking cute, I had this mindset of “no! I must still look cute! Whilst also trying to hide my body!” So I went through this phase of long, flowing hippy skirts, with patterned throw overs. It was very personally necessary at the time, but I’ve definitely moved out of that phase. I kept the really cute ones though. One thing that has always stayed with me is just a little touch of punk creeping through to all of my aesthetics. Even now, going into teaching and needing to dress in a professional, “teacher” way, I’m very adamant about still being very me. For example, I refuse to get rid of, or hide my septum piercing because it’s such an integral part of my identity.

If my ex boyfriend ever reads this, I don’t think he’ll care, because he was very much around for it and knew what was going on. But he and I had what was very much an up and down, very toxic relationship. He cheated on me a bunch of times, and I didn��t cheat on him physically, but I definitely cheated on him emotionally with a girl in my high school. I think having feelings for her made me realise that I wasn’t straight. I went to an all girls high school and there were like two gays in our cohort, and I was wondering to myself “Do I just have a crush on them because I know that they’re gay? Okay.. but not everyone else in my cohort has a crush on them, and they’re offended by the fact that she has crushes on other people, but not only am I not offended by it, but I’m kinda into it?” which made me realise that yeah… girls… We never did anything physically though, my boyfriend and I were together until I was eighteen, and I don’t think I actually experimented with my sexuality until I was about nineteen.

I don’t think that my sexuality has had an impact on my way of presenting myself, but it’s hard because that was all close to the time that I was dealing with my eating disorder as well. I think a big part of my recovery was tied in with the fact that queer people generally don’t give to much of a shit about how other people perceive the way that they dress. It was a huge shift for me, queer people care about the way that they dress, but not what the general population thinks, and so much of my eating disorder was tied up in worry about what other people would think of me, and how I looked, so when I came to terms with my sexuality it also made dressing so much easier. I let go of other peoples perceptions of my body, and how I moved through the world because queerness is so liberating in that way so… It did… I made a mistake, coming to terms with my sexuality very much did shift the way that I dress.

Ithink that stereotypes within the lgbt community are still relevant, but that they’re much less relevant now that there’s so much more of an umbrella, and in think that people these days are far less likely to put themselves into a little box. I feel that they are necessary, especially in the beginnings of finding out about queerness and sexuality, because everyone wants to belong to something, and I think that stereotypesabout how to dress and present yourself help people to identify themselves, and be a part of something greater. Like a lot of people on your blog have said, it’s like a sign, or signifier to other people that are a part of that to let them know that we’re all queer together. I’m a bit biased, because I live in the inner west, but I feel that these days I go around Newtown and I have no idea if someone’s queer or not, because that very liberated, queer way of dressing has just spread everywhere, and has also let straight people feel that sense of liberation. Deviation from the norm (conservative, mainstream cishet presentation) is very important in queer history, because it has always been a bit of “going against the man” and rejecting the system.

There is a narrower understanding of queerness in media, which is why I feel it is so important, if you know anyone who is coming to terms with their gender or sexuality, to point them towards youtubers or people who are not very “in a box” about what sexuality and queerness is, because I think that it’s pretty normal when coming to terms with your sexuality to put it into the more known boxes before you kind of unravel what your own sexuality really is. It’s a good start, but I think it would be even better if we had more representations in the media of trans and non-binary people. Bisexuals even, you still don’t see many bi people in media, or if you do, it’s very sexualised and male gaze-y. Which isn’t helpful for young people coming to terms with their sexuality because it can kind of lead them to put themselves in a more narrow box, which can hurt them later on as they aren’t aware of these different ways to be. Going into teaching, I plan to be pushing as much as I can for a lot more stories where characters are not gender conforming, because the more opportunities that young people have when they’re younger to come to terms with their own gender and sexuality, the more they can avoid problems with mental health later on down the line.

For our generation, I feel that the internet has been extremely influential. Queerness in general feels so normalised in areas of the internet which is so crucial to me, and others for coming to terms with their sexuality. Things like Youtube are huge now, and I feel that queer representation on Youtube is growing and growing now, which can be a great resource.

I think that bisexuals in heterosexual relationships are so important, but from my own experience, I feel that their heterosexual partners can feel an urge to squash that part of their identity, which makes me so sad. On the other hand, I know many bisexual people who then take the tack of compensating for their heterosexual relationship by becoming activists to make their identity as a queer person still feel relevant. For myself, I’m in a heterosexual relationship, but it doesn’t do anything to change the fact that I’m still bisexual. I did have a small crisis about my queerness early on, being the president of a queer society in a straight relationship, but now I see myself as a fairly important bisexual person, on a pretty big platform, promoting bi visibility and reminding people that bisexuals in heterosexual relationships are still a part of the lgbt community, especially now that my partner is passing more and more frequently, I’m just seen as a straight person. Two of my bosses at work are dating, both female, and since being with Jess, I cant find a way to drop into conversation with them that I’m also queer with it also feeling like a casual thing, rather than jumping up and down shouting “me too!”

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[houseofvans]

ART SCHOOL | VANS HOUSE PARTIES | ROB ROTH

We’re excited about tonight’s Vans House Parties in Brooklyn, featuring Blondie, Liz Phair and SASAMI. Not only are we excited about the performances, but also by the collaborative visual experiences that will be provided by Blondie co-founder, songwriter and guitarist Chris Stein and director Rob Roth. We had a chance to chat with Rob Roth whose work with Debbie Harry has a long history, including her recent video–Doom or Destiny. We find out more about Rob’s upcoming collaboration with Chris Stein, his new project SOUNDSTAGE, and what they’ve got cooked up for folks attending VHP. 

Photographs by Laura June Kirsch

Introduce yourself.  Rob Roth, I’m an artist and director based in NYC.

How would you describe your work and style?   Multidisciplinary is the latest description I have been called, I think it fits. I couldn’t really tell you what style it is. I leave that up to others to decide.

For tonight’s Vans House Parties in Brooklyn, you’ll be collaborating with photographer Chris Stein on a video installation.  What can you tell us about it, and what you’ve prepared? How did you guys end up collaborating on this? Chris has a new book coming out called “Point of View” and we thought it would be fun to do what I’m calling a ‘mash up’, which is basically a video and print collage using images from the new book. I suppose that it’s my point of view, utilizing his point of view? Chris has such a great eye; it was hard to choose which ones we were going to use.

What are you most looking forward to at tonight’s VHP in Brooklyn? What should folks expect? I really like the space, so I hope it will be one of those great, hot, sweaty NYC summer nights full of music, dancing, art, drinking, sex?… ya know all the things worth living for? Ha.

What has the process been like collaborating on a video installation? Having collaborated a lot, what do you enjoy the most about it, and what do you find the most challenging? It’s not so much a video installation as new visuals that we are creating custom for the space (both print and video). I love collaborating; it’s really the basis of any good live performance, when it all comes together to create a spectacle. The challenge is usually making that happen with 100 obstacles that suddenly reveal themselves, ha.

You’ll be working on the visuals / video installation for Debbie Harry at VHP in Brooklyn. Tell us how this friendship began, and what it has been like working with a legendary performer like her? Debbie is as great as you would imagine. We met years ago in the 90’s through the nightclub Mother. I think we have a similar take on things, or are drawn to similar aesthetics and ideas. It could also be that we have the same dark sense of humor! We’ve worked together sporadically in different capacities on and off for years. Its great to work with someone who is such a seasoned performer yet still has a lot of spontaneity and gets excited about trying new ideas, sometimes on the fly. It’s also special to be friends with another artist who has done so much. I can count on her to bounce ideas off of or just to have someone to articulate the frustrations or confusion that comes particularly to artists.

Not only one thing, you’ve been in the role of director, but also as a writer, performer, sculptor and photographer, even initially trained as a painter. Out of all these roles, which do you find the most challenging and most rewarding?  Is there a new “creative” hat you’re looking to put on that you haven’t yet had a chance too? I think it’s all the same honestly. I approach it all through feeling, so it’s not like I’m doing anything that different. It all correlates with painting because you are dealing with light, composition, subject and have all the same initial questions when approaching a new piece. I can’t think of another “creative hat”, but I do sometimes dream of being a Sommelier at a small and magical eatery in the middle of the woods somewhere. I feel like at this point I have so many stories I could tell while opening up the perfect bottle of red for a table.

How did you first end up getting involved with theater and performance? What aspects of the performing arts do you find so magnetic. . When did you discover this love for it? Performance was always something I loved and had in me, but the visual art came first for whatever reason. Performing is like being part of a ritual. Debbie and I have talked about how you become some kind of vessel that taps into something from the unknown, and it’s brought through to the audience who is also participating by receiving and sending back their emotional energy.

What personal projects are you currently passionate about? Tell us a little about SOUNDSTAGE and what that entails? SOUNDSTAGE is a theater / film hybrid performance piece that I have been developing for four years. It’s part of the artist in residency program at HERE Art Center.  It’s a strange meditation on a queer character and his obsessions. It features the amazing Rebecca Hall in several film scenes and uses a live camera crew as part of the performance. I still have a lot to do, and I’m slightly overwhelmed, so if I talk more about it I will have a silent internal panic attack… but do come and see it in September.

Where do you find inspiration for your work? How do you keep yourself motivated? I find inspiration in everything from films to a pile of junk on the side of the road. Music is also a big inspiration. I think motivation can sometimes come from all the people I know (and don’t know) who are doing great work, or other friends encouraging me to execute my next idea. I have a list of 100 more pieces I would love to do, so it’s that daunting feeling of trying to get it all realized (financed).

What advice would you give someone thinking about following in your footsteps? Oh advice is so hard to give because it’s all relative. Everyone’s path is SO different. I would say try to follow your internal psychic dowsing toward what calls you.

What do you have coming up the rest of the year that you can share with us? There is talk of doing another performance with Atlas Obscura. Last year I was part of their “Into the Veil” performance night in Brooklyn’s Greenwood Cemetery. I performed as my character Craig (a melancholic werewolf) in the old catacombs. We might do an entire show with that same character in a site-specific place, but it’s still in the beginning stages, which is kinda the most fun, the dreaming phase.

[sagevalleymusings]

Thor: Love and Thunder - Praising with Faint Damnation

I have this really bad habit. I like consuming all of a thing. I’ll eat the whole bag of potato chips, cheat to get all 151 pokemon, and if I start a movie, I have to finish it, even if I hate it. I’ve watched a lot of bad movies this way. I absolutely regret turning Artemis Fowl back on after I got eight minutes in and realized it was trash.

Marvel movies bank on this kind of collectible habit. They’re fan films for people who are already fans of a longstanding genre. They can reliably assume that anyone who’s watched three of their movies is planning on watching all of them. I think a lot of Phase Four’s steam is relying on this momentum. Black Widow was forgetful. Spider-Man: No Way Home was a desperate nostalgic plea. Doctor Strange had poor CGI and a frustrating plot. I personally liked Shang Chi but it received critical reception. The shows have not been bad. Or at least… some of the shows some of the time have not been bad. I don’t think I’ll be able to re-watch Wanda knowing how Doctor Strange: Multiverse of Madness plays out. It makes the redemption arc of WandaVision meaningless. I’m struggling to get through Moon Knight. Falcon and the Winter Soldier felt very queer bait-y. 

My point is that I think Marvel fans are becoming divided rapidly. I’m not the only person who’s growing increasingly critical of Marvel. I say all this to justify my feeling that Thor: Love and Thunder is not as bad as the critics are painting it. 

I am happy to be critical of Marvel movies. I have definitely succumbed to burnout with these movies. But Thor: Love and Thunder is ranking below Dark World right now and that’s just undeserved. In fact, I would say that Love and Thunder is even a pretty decent movie - except for the part where it takes place in Phase 4 of the Marvel Extended Cinematic Extravaganza. 

I want to end on a high note so let’s start with the things I didn’t like. Others have already said that it’s disappointing. Everyone loved Thor: Ragnarok so Waititi made it Thor: Even More Ragnarok. It’s too much with the gimmicky jokes and one-line gags. The comedy parts of the movie don’t give the serious parts enough breathing room.

I’ve also heard that the movie itself is ultimately meaningless, because it takes back all of the weighty deaths by the end of the movie. Everyone lives, just this once. But that means that the movie simply doesn’t have the weight that it should.

I agree, but I think a compelling rebuttal can be made for both these points.

I have a couple of critiques myself outside of this. Firstly, and no one is going to like me for saying this…

Taika Waititi likes to laugh at fat people.

Depending on which small corner of the internet you tend to run in, you may have even seen this coming. Everyone in fat activism was worried that Waititi was going to montage away the fat suit, and, yes that did happen, but I could be talked around on this point. I think Waititi almost, but not quite, manages to turn that montage into a character flaw. After defeating Thanos, Thor becomes obsessed with fitness to the point of detriment for a normal person. He spends all his days doing nothing but exercising and meditating and waiting for people to ask him to come save the day. That’s not healthy, and I think the movie is trying to fold that kind of unhealthy behavior in its “love saves the day message” - Thor becomes a dad by the end of the movie. But the fact that so much of this movie is given so little weight means that the message doesn’t quite land.

For example, I’ve read interviews now of Hemsworth and his wife, who said that the amount of bulking up he needed to do was painful, and neither one of them was happy with the new look. It isn’t natural. He’s even more muscly than he was in the previous movies. I look back at footage of Thor in Love and Thunder and he’s so jacked it looks painful to move. I’m just sad.

But then there’s a scene where he gets his clothes ripped off and all the women faint in glee. Thor’s body is as unhealthy as it was when he was eating junk food and drinking - yes, really. Overexercising can cause a whole host of symptoms including straining your heart. But where fat Thor was shown with comedy and disgust, buff Thor is shown with lust and praise. If Waititi was trying to make a point about unhealthy coping mechanisms, it fell flat.

The thing I take umbrage with more is the fact that Melissa McCarthy cameos in this movie at all. She’s literally only there - shoved into an unflattering cosplay - so we can go haha fat people. This is not the first time a production of Waititi’s has had a haha fat people moment. In fact, I would argue that Thor: Ragnarok had the exact same haha fat people moment. I can’t help but notice that Matt Damon looks quite a bit more trim in his reprisal as Actor Loki.

I don’t like having to put up with Waititi’s haha fat people moments. It’s really boring. But much like any of his haha fat people moment’s, it’s also just the one scene, and then we can move on. So let’s move on. I’m suddenly realizing that Waititi has a bigger problem.

Women.

There are only two named female characters in Thor: Ragnarok - Valkyrie and Hela. Valkyrie is playing a useless drunk, which is at least a new and different way of making women useless on screen, and Hela is a villain. Come to think of it, a lot of Waititi’s productions have very few women, and the women that are there serve a narrative role for the men starring in the production. I suppose I don’t necessarily expect a lot of women in a show about pirates, but I do think it’s extremely telling that the majority of  women in Our Flag Means Death for almost the whole series can be described most easily by their relation to other people. Jim’s foster mother, Stede’s wife, Ed’s mother. Spanish Jackie is a notable exception but Spanish Jackie is in less than half the show.

It is by no means everything. JoJo Rabbit had strong and assertive female protagonists. Reservation Dogs has a great ensemble including girls.

The thing is, Love and Thunder’s portrayal of women is so bad that it had me reflecting on Waititi’s other work. The narrative revolves primarily around men, and there are women in their lives, but they play supporting characters. This is also true of… probably 90% of male directors 90% of the time. So I wouldn’t necessarily critique Waititi for this. After all, if you have one main character, probably most of your cast can, ultimately, be described in terms of how they relate to that main character. I could just as easily describe Thor: Ragnarok as Thor fighting Thor’s sister over control of Thor’s people, and fighting alongside Thor is Thor’s brother, Thor’s co-worker, some random lady who used to work for Thor’s dad, and a rock monster. 

So women having some kind of relation to the other characters in the narrative isn’t actually an issue… until it’s their only character trait.

And that brings us to Love and Thunder. Love and Thunder has some of the most obvious fridging I’ve ever seen in a modern movie. It’s so bad it has me questioning the female representation in Waititi’s other productions. I know they got Jane having cancer from the comics but… why is Valkyrie even there? She spends the whole movie looking uncharacteristically sad and tired except for when she’s fighting, and literally says that the reason she’s fighting is because she wants to die. That’s depressing as hell. 

And at the lowest point of the movie, Gorr is literally hiding and revealing these two women in an effort to get Thor to reveal the macguffin. They’re literally being used as silent props to motivate Thor into action. 

And after that, Thor tells the womenfolk to stay behind and look after the house while he goes off to be the breadwinner.

And of course people are crying - yeah but Valkyrie is injured! Which, sure, is true. But the film is the one that made that choice. And they didn’t do a good enough job dwelling on the fact that Valkyrie got injured because she’s fighting recklessly in an effort to die in battle to really give that scene the weight it needed. 

This movie could have made different choices that didn’t make it seem so much like fridging. It could have given us more time with Jane and Valkyrie, explored their characters in a way that let us actually see who they are. Instead we got Korg telling us what Valkyrie’s motivation is. 

My last minor point that no one seems to mention is the casting of Love. I am a little uncomfortable that all three of Hemsworth’s children are cast in this movie. In fact, Hemsworth’s wife and brother are also in Thor: Love and Thunder. In some ways I get it. You need a bunch of kids for the child kidnapping scene, your children are there anyway, you cast your children. Bale, Portman, and Waititi all volunteered their children for the movie. But there’s something a little unnerving, I find, when actors cast their children in roles where the role is also them playing their child. For starters the child didn’t choose this, and depending on the age it might be difficult to keep those lines separate between fantasy and real life. 

Love is especially egregious because it’s a big role, but there is something a little off about having your kids be the kids in the movie. Is it better than parents of poor families essentially auctioning their children off to become breadwinners? Probably. But I think it remains to be seen what kind of an impact being the child of a Marvel-level superstar will do to a kid. There’s probably no ethical way to have children in a movie, ultimately.. 

I could spend a lot longer on why I thought the movie was weak, but most reviews I’ve read are pretty critical, so I’d like to say some positive things to balance it out.

As Thor’s story, this is pretty weak, but as Gorr’s story, there’s a fairly strong narrative arc there. Gorr hits a serious low point very on, so much so that he becomes a villain. He learns through the Necrosword’s magic that in order to reach Eternity, he needs some kind of weapon that can harness a bifrost and right now there’s only one of those - Thor’s axe Stormbreaker. So he devises a plan to obtain Thor’s axe but quickly becomes outnumbered and changes tactics. He decided to capture a bunch of children to lead Thor to him rather than try and overpower him from the start. 

For Gorr’s character, this is a mistake, because it allows him a moment of weakness. He doesn’t feel good about capturing these kids because they remind him of his daughter, who his mind has crystalized on. And of course it has, that was an incredibly tragic moment. Gorr is entirely justified in his actions at the start of the movie. His entire population was destroyed, and as he was praying in desperation to  Rapu who was completely oblivious to his pleas. His daughter dies. He stumbles upon Rapu’s domain - called there by All-Black - and gets into a confrontation where Rapu, in a fit of rage, is about to kill him.

Gorr reaches out to All-Black the Necrosword in desperation, in a bid just to survive. He kills a complacent, greedy, loathsome god who let an entire people be destroyed. In a different movie, Gorr would be a hero. 

But that’s not the movie we have, and in this movie, there may be a glimmer of longing for the daughter he lost enough that Gorr isn’t entirely unsympathetic, but he’s still unambiguously the villain for most of the movie, and the screen portrays it as such.

His uncharacteristically sympathetic nature isn’t the only thing at odds. Thor: Love and Thunder is a comedy but Gorr is perhaps the most frightening villain we’ve had in the MCU. And that’s saying something, considering Phase 4 seems to be ramping up the supernatural creepy factor with Scarlet Witch and Moon Knight. Those creepy shadow hands coming into bedrooms to steal children could easily be dropped into a much more serious horror movie without blinking an eye.

It’s almost discordant with the rest of the movie, a fun romantic comedy romp, and I can see a version of this that’s more effective where that discordance is the point.

After all, Gorr isn’t the villain. The Necrosword is. Gorr is just a sad dad lashing out in pain, who only took up the sword in question - which is stated to have brainwashing powers - because his life was in danger. Gorr is a victim.

And we see that in the end, because the MCU finally - finally! - has a sympathetic character that’s redeemed in the end. He still dies, but he’s allowed to win. Thor stops fighting. You win. Make your wish. Gorr is so close to the finish line that Thor literally can’t stop him now - rushing him would just have Gorr reaching out to his wish in desperation. Instead, he tries to talk him around, reminds the recently freed Gorr that killing the gods was never his wish in the first place. His wish - which once had been denied - was for his daughter to live.

And so we see the parallel here. Gorr got what he wanted right at the very beginning, but the path it took to get there had him going through the worst of himself to get there, and he didn’t come out of the other end unscathed.

That’s a compelling story. Much more compelling than anything else Thor: Love and Thunder has going on. I wish it were in a better movie.

What I would have done differently to improve this movie:

There’s one thing I think would have fixed a ton of the tone issues and mischaracterizations that would have made this the fun romp people wanted after Thor: Ragnarok.

Make it bad on purpose.

I know I’m losing the precious little audience I have left (hi one person!) so hear me out. Thor: Love and Thunder starts off with Korg giving a kind of poor description of previous events, catching us up to speed on what has happened both in previous movies we may not have seen, and in between movies. His voice as the narrator pops up only a couple of times. 

I’m not saying it should necessarily pop up a lot more, but a couple of fourth-wall breaking, especially in particularly tense scenes, would have lightened the tone in a way that didn’t make it feel as flippant. 

For example: Gorr shows up to harass the kids, and the kids are scared but it’s told in such a goofy way that we kind of have to take the villain a little less seriously. And also there’s, just towards the very end, almost a glimmer of pity. Because he’s obviously thinking of his daughter. And he’s sad about that, and I get that. 

But like. This guy captured a wagon full of kids and is now deliberately scaring them. This guy sucks. 

But let’s imagine that instead, right before Gorr shows up in the wagon to torture those kids, we hear Korg’s voice say something stupid like, “Gorr’s just trying his best. Here he is trying to make sure his hostages are at least comfortable.” and *then* the whole scene plays out exactly the same.

It would give the scene a completely different tone. It would be so much more relatable. All of a sudden this guy isn’t trying to scare those kids - he’s being sincere, trying to engage with them on their level. He’s just now incapable of doing it because he’s been corrupted. That’s sad. Like, really sad. It makes me sympathize with a character who has done horrible thing.

A couple of scenes like that thrown in to demonstrate an unreliable narrator would soften the bad parts of the movie, because I, the viewer, could assume that when things like fridging Jane and Valkyrie happen, that’s just Korg telling his version of events to make Thor seem extra cool, but that doesn’t mean that’s what happened. 

We even see an example of this in the movie we got! When Korg is montaging Thor and Jane’s previous relationship, we see Jane waiting for Thor to leave in the middle of the night while she pretends to be asleep, then leaving a note, and then leaving. 

But when we catch back up with Jane later, she says that the reason she left a note was because Thor wasn’t there.

The way that Jane says it implies that Thor had been gone for a while. Which is of course not what we see. Is Jane lying? Or is this simply the only obvious example that the entire movie is told from a biased perspective on purpose?

A much more subtle scene is shortly after this, when Jane asks if Thor has a girlfriend. It’s said in a way that feels very out of place. Why is Jane suddenly wearing that helmet and flipping her hair like she’s a schoolgirl? This feels like an immature man’s version of how they would want this conversation to go, not like a sincere portrayal of how a director thinks this conversation would actually go. And I know that Waititi is better than that in some of his other works. So is this really a flaw of his writing, that his female characters are this much of a caricature? Or is this supposed to read as a bit artificial, because it’s a story being told by Korg?

If I’m being honest it’s probably more of the former than it is the latter, but if choices had been made to lean into the latter, it would have improved the movie overall. Making the movie bad on purpose would make the movie less bad.

And, too, I think it would have been the only thing that could have saved it from Sequel Syndrome. 

The main flaw of Thor: Love and Thunder is that it’s the fourth Thor movie and the 29th Marvel movie. None of the Marvel movies post Endgame have been good. How could they be? Endgame was a conclusion so epic it needed an entire movie to set it up. Frankly, I think Infinity War is the far superior of the two. I saw that movie opening night and the energy when characters started dying left and right and then the movie just ends was absolutely palpable. No one was expecting Marvel to pull something like that. And for a brief moment, because nothing like this has ever been done, you think that maybe, just maybe, Marvel was really going to kill off half their cast. And ultimately they didn’t because the entire plot of Endgame was reversing the consequences of Infinity War in a way that was emotionally satisfying. I think they did a pretty good job of it. But there were some loose threads that, in the messy process of Phase Four’s journey to tie those threads up, has been pretty unsatisfying. It would have been better to start fresh with a mostly new cast - to skip the growing pains of Phase Four entirely. 

The entire point of Phase Four is to move the game pieces from where they ended in Endgame to where they’ll begin in Kang the Conqueror. We’ve already seen Kang, we know this is where they end up. But there’s a big difference between the movies now and the movies then.

Phase One and Two movies were standalones. The Avengers film concluding them was more like a fun team mashup than a genuine conclusion of a grander plot. That started to change in Phase Three. Phase Three knew they were part of a larger plan but were given breathing room. Phase Four is controlled. SpiderMan’s movie had a specific end goal in mind - Peter Parker is alone. How we get there doesn’t matter but that has to be how it concludes. So you get these unbelievable characterizations from people we think we know very well at this point. WandaVision has a satisfying conclusion that Doctor Strange reneges on. Love and Thunder teases the introduction of Jane Foster as the Mighty Thor then kills her off in the same damn movie. Black Widow takes place in the past. Loki is a fun and interesting show where the main character does exactly zero character growth. This is post-Avengers 1 Loki we're talking about, acting more like post-Infinity War Loki. 

Speaking of Loki, let's come back around to the critique that the deaths in L&T don't stick.

Exhibit A is the show Agents of Shield, constructed entirely around fan fervor that Phil Coulson not die. In fact Infinity War and Endgame killed off then resurrected trillions of people. It is a comic staple that deaths don't stick.

In this particular movie, I also think it's a bit disingenuous. After all, this isn’t Supernatural. Each person dies and is “brought back” for a specific reason. The death of Gorr’s daughter is his entire motivating force. He’s about to win and destroy an entire universe full of gods when he’s convinced by Thor to resurrect his daughter instead. Just that one simple wish. 

It’s the kind of wish we would see from an Avenger, really. I’m reminded of parallels from previous movies - Hawkeye’s revenge fugue, the soft plea of Natasha Romanov to “let me go,” Iron Man’s conviction that they had to try to fix the world but only by bringing everyone forward because he didn’t want to lose his daughter, Steve Rogers choosing to stay behind for Peggy. These simple, quiet, individual narratives make up a lot of the tapestry of motivating force behind our protagonists. It’s strange and discomfiting when that same narrative makes up our villain’s stories too. Wanda just wants to be with her children again, and is prepared to pay any price. Gorr wants to avenge his daughter. Where is the line between good and evil?

I think this movie is the first one to say there is no line. Gorr is a good person who was originally motivated by just means. It was being brainwashed (grief or depression) that was his undoing, and when that source of poison in his mind was removed, he went back to the simple motivations he had at the start, and resurrects his daughter.

That’s a really satisfying conclusion to Gorr’s narrative arc. Trading his life for his daughter’s is the noblest thing he can do in this scenario. His daughter becomes a symbol that people are, all of us, good by nature. And the bad that we do is often a product of trauma or desperation. Punishing that trauma and desperation isn’t actually the way to defeat it. Love is. 

Not all the time. Some of the time people are Zeus - so privileged and in their own ego that they stop seeing others beneath them as people the way that they are people. Zeus is, in some ways, a villain in this movie. The hyper violent attack at Omnipotence City and splashes of golden blood spattered everywhere feels out of place because we’re used to thinking of things in this color palette as good, just, protagonistic. Zeus is surely the good guy. But he imprisons our protagonist, humiliates him in public, and prevents him from saving a dozen children. Zeus is acting as a villain. 

I saw someone make a point that by killing Zeus, we’re drawing a direct parallel to Gorr - Thor is becoming a godkiller which harkens back to a far less mature version of himself responding in an overly hotheaded manner to a situation. But is that actually what happened? Thor only kills Zeus after Zeus kills Korg. He’s avenging. It’s literally the name of the game for Thor. Is our protagonist’s behavior in any way different to what we have seen them do against Thanos? Against Gorr’s shadow monsters? Against dozens of owl monsters at the beginning of the movie?

We don’t actually see Zeus die, and in villain language, that means he isn’t dead. It’s not at all strange that Zeus comes back in a cameo at the end to threaten Thor with vengeance. 

Lastly there’s Jane Foster, who enters Valhalla. The article I read argued that by seeing Jane immediately again, we the audience don’t feel the weight of her loss the way we would otherwise, and maybe that’s true, but I don’t think something like this is a good argument for a character that can’t stay dead. After all, we see examples like this all the time in movies, comics, and TV shows. The first example that comes to mind is a bit silly but bear with me - Hocus Pocus. Thackery Binks dies, almost immediately comes back as a ghost, and then walks off into the sunset to spend eternity with his sister. We feel the character’s grief and get a different payoff of believing that this character is in whatever passes as heaven for this universe. 

For this one I would argue we don’t really need it. We already saw Jane dissolve into stardust, we know she’s a god. Including Valhalla in the end credits does a specific different thing: it introduces the concept of Valhalla as a place that exists which we might see again in the future. And that is a pretty poor reason to bring Jane back for a cameo with Heimdall. 

Ultimately I didn’t think Thor: Love and Thunder was a very good movie. But I don’t think it’s the worst Thor movie. I think if this movie had been dropped into Phase One, people would have thought it was groundbreaking. But because it’s in Phase Four, it feels like a rehash. 

I can also see the movie this could have been if it had trimmed some things, or made slightly different directing decisions. There are definite flaws and definite weaknesses, but I appreciate that they actually redeem the villain. 

[nightswithkookmin]

Hi I just want to ask something. Do you think Jungkook has been always like/love Jimin the way he is before or just when he started to glow up. I'm just asking this bc you know Jungkook has been always rank Jimin last on looks or said he look different without makeup before. I know he didn't meant harm to Jimin but do you think Jimin has been trying to look good and go on extreme diet to be loved by Jungkook or Jungkook has been always trying to hide his feelings for him but act tough

Huh?...

What an interesting question....

For a moment there I thought I had already discussed this in my blog posts? Chileee.

Now you'd have to specify which period in time you consider a glow up point for Jimin. Do you mean the period of 2014/15 when he was starving himself, passing out on stage and bleeding through his nose to stay anorexic? *Side eyeing you.

To me, Jimin's 'glow up' coincided with their debut in 2013. Those fine abs, sculpted muscles yet soft toned feminized features- sorry Jimin, you weren't fooling no one.

This was also the period I noticed JK showing overt signs of sexual and emotional attraction towards Jimin. Jimin just seemed oblivious to it. And he would begin his own whipped journey around 2015/16 in my opinion.

Personally, I believe JK fell first for Jimin and 'turned' him- turned for lack of a better word. I don't buy into this whole Jimin fell first JK fell harder rhetoric.

But I think JK's interest in Jimin began long before this period. I don't think Jk had fully grasped the concept of his own sexuality much less to have come to terms with it in any time before 2012- before Jimin arrived in Bangtan- ok maybe he had a vague idea of it, but I do believe Jimin was his sexual and romantic awakening.

Jk and Jimin have two very distinct and opposite idol personas. I keep saying this.

Since we don't know them in person, I think it's safe to assume every aspect of them we experience on screen is a persona.

That persona is a facade, a curated wall on which they project bits and pieces of their true self and often put up a performance of this identity for our consumption.

In Jk's persona, he likes to retract and conceal aspects of his true personality and censor himself a lot while JM likes to amplify and exaggerate his true personality and put up a performance of it.

As I've said, it's mainly due to their backgrounds. JK was given a lot of leeway in his upbringing which he feels puts him at a disadvantage because he ends up exposing himself too much. Thus he likes to retract and hold himself back.

Jimin coming from a conservative background with many rules and what not revels in the new found freedom Idol life gives him so often he doesn't hold back as much as JK does. But that doesn't mean that who they really are in real life.

So often you'd hear people say Jimin looks more serious in person than he does on camera while JK is said to be more expressive than he usually is on camera.

But here is the thing, concealing his feelings is not JK's nature it's his choice. And this is very important to note. He chooses not to do certain things on camera while Jimin chooses to do certain things on camera.

So when JK is not showing his feelings for Jimin it's not because he can't show those feelings, it's more like he doesn't want to show those feelings.

Thus when people say he wasn't showing his feelings for Jimin because he was shy I raise my brows- Shy my ass. Lol

Was he acting tough then? Hmmmm. He likes to act tough no two ways about that. I've said he has a good poker face between him and Jimin. If you are not careful you might think he doesn't like Jimin. But trust me, that man is whipped on god.

But I don't think that's what he was doing in those early dynamics.

I think he was hesitant in pursuing Jimin openly at the time because he wasn't sure about Jimin's sexual orientation much less whether or not Jimin reciprocated the feelings he had for him.

And you could tell not knowing these about Jimin terrified JK a lot, hence his hesitation.

But later when he was certain of both he became more confident in the way he expressed himself and his feelings for Jimin.

Prior to this you could see him fishing and testing the waters with Jimin, slowly pushing Jimin's boundaries- a gentle touch here, a lingering stare there.

He would often pay attention to the things Jimin would say but especially about his romantic and sexual preferences. Like when Tae said he felt Jimin liked men and when Jimin was asked about why he liked JK and JK seemed like he wanted to know.

Then he went through that phase where he seemed obsessed with Jimin's reaction to when other guys sexualised him and expressed interest in him. He seemed very attentive to these little details in a way that seemed to me as if he was fishing for confirmation that Jimin actually liked men and liked him- in a nonplatonic manner.

I feel Jimin noticed these things too in JK but was mostly fascinated by it. So often he would go out of his way to express his sexuality, exaggerate it and perform it as if to let JK know he was ok with JK liking him in that kind of way. Often, you'd see him egging JK on to touch him where JK seemed hesitant, reassuring JK- I think y'all know the bit I'm talking about. I feel JM wanted JK to feel comfortable expressing his interest in him- he ain't slick.

I've said Jimin's persona is a performance. I can see how to JK that could be very confusing. Hell, half of the fandom still read Jimin wrong to this day. Is he gay, bi, straight, a woman, a man, bigender- it's a lot of questions. Legitimate questions.

And I think for JK, seeing Jimin behave like the rest of BTS with the skinship towards him was equally confusing. So often he would shy away from it. Jk was going through puberty, everything was heightened for him.

It's also important to consider the possibility that, if JK was LGBTQ plus that he was going to hide it and not come out to his bandmates for as long as he worked with them- because it's none of their business first and foremost but also because it would have affected their attitudes towards him.

I mean look at the fear and panic with which they greet Jikook when Jikook breath anywhere near eachother in public spaces- not to call them out or anything but I don't think if they were straight that they were going to treat them same. I mean Taejin is as wild as Jikook but.... sigh.

So then going on to catch feelings for one of such said band mates who gives off queer vibes, he had better be sure about him before coming out to him and confessing to him lest he risked his career and friendship with him.

If Jimin wasn't LGBTQ plus it would have been cruel of him to act the way he does with JK honestly. For instance Joking about marriage knowing full well the fight LGBTG plus couple have to put up to have this basic human right- of course JK would yeet himself out of that conversation. I'm talking about that Jikook Vlive and all the time JK has squeezed his face disgruntledly when Jimin has asked him to have his kids- like why Jimin!

Jimin I feel because he is Bi whatever doesn't take this gay business seriously at all. If you've ever dated a bisexual you'd know the feeling. He is my bias and I love him but God he frustrates me for Jk honestly.

What annoys me most is I know how deep he is into JK. Like I've never seen a man so in love with another man in my entire queer life! Like shut up whippidy whipped ass we saw your face at Manila. You like that man. You like him.

Let JK put up a front and you'll see this tactless homegirl descending into that space we all hate so much and embarrassing himself left right left clinging on to JK seeking validation and reassurance- like can you be serious in your life for once Park Jimin. 😒

Anywho, I went off on a tangent there. Sorry.

But yes, this is another aspect of their dynamic I feel most people get twisted. Jimin enjoys JK's expressions of interest in him- however way he does it. Jk enjoys it too when Jimin shows him he wants him. Remember magic shop? Show me, I'll show you? And that line JK sang to Jimin that made Jimin nervous on Live with VMin? Yea...

They love each other and they love when the other is showing and expressing their love. Hell, isn't that why they are constantly trying to find creative ways to communicate their love? 5/8, love letters punctuated with sorries? Chileee.

Could Jimin's look be a contributing factor to JK liking him? Let me put it this way. People are attracted to people for a plethora of reasons, physical appearance being one of them.

Looks attract people, emotional connection binds them and make them stay. I have said this time and again JK is attracted to all of Jimin-looks, everything. When asked which part of of Jimin he liked most he put all of Jimin as the answer.

With regards to JM's weight, I think the tears he shed on stage during the performance of I Need You says it all. Jimin was killing himself and it was killing JK. Jimin wasn't doing all that out of self love much less for the love of JK.

He was doing all that because he wanted to be an Idol in every sense of the word. He was killing himself for his career. A career JK was once willing to walk away from and JM advised him to stay.

Jk defies the dictates of his career with the piercings and tattoos and gay pubs- the emphasis is mine. Y'all think he is about to be demanding of his life partner to look like what now? Chileee.

And when JK was starving himself and losing weight who was it that brought him down that ledge? Jimin. If it was a positive thing I thing he would have encouraged him.

Jk allegedly called Jimin his Mochi in that infamous graduation night track video. Did you see his reaction to when James Corden called Jimin Mochi? Baby fat cheeked Jimin was cute not ugly. And even if you think he was, JK still found that attractive. Jimin could be looking like my Aunt Becky and Jk would still fuck him.

Have you seen JK freeze frame to take snapshot photos of Jimin? It's almost always pictures of Jimin looking like the wicked witch of the west. He loves him some park Jimin memes. Loves that man to death.

How many times have he said Jimin looks beautiful without makeup? Remember the Vlive Jimin didn't want to be on camera because he didn't have makeup on? What did JK say?

Jk isn't a shallow person you know. He really isn't. He doesn't strike me as the kind at all. Questions like these presupposes that JK is a vain shallow person who only likes people for their looks. Don't get me wrong, it's a valid question, one that I'm happy to discuss but it also exposes the biases against JK and indirectly, Jimin.

Do you feel JK is shallow? I find a lot of people do and it breaks my heart.

Have you heard any of his songs? His GCFs?

He barely idolizes his subject matter's looks and appearances. You gave me the best of you, so I'll give you the best of me. What I found in you is real. That's doesn't sound shallow to me.

They work in a highly competitive and highly vainglorious environment. I think they know more than anything the dangers of vanity- it's fleeting. They put themselves through so much to appease the vanity matrics, to subject people they love through the same.

I've talked about how because JM comes from a demanding home and work environment that acceptance is one key aspect of his love language. He wants a person who loves him for who he is and accepts him without placing expectations on him.

If JK was this shallow JM wouldn't honestly have found him attractive much less love him to begin with. He wouldn't have found fulfillment and nourishment from JK. He loves JK because JK's values and upbringing makes him the perfect person for him to trust himself fully to.

Besides, for JK to be only attracted to JM because he glowed up, he himself must have been a ten from the onset which he wasn't let's be honest- no shade to him but he wasn't exactly packing now was he?

BTS are pretty but they've all undergone hefty transformations throughout the years, magic foreheads and all. So if you wonder if Jimin's glow up contributes to JK liking him, then you'd have to wonder if Jk glowing up also contributed to Jimin finding him attractive- it's a vicious cycle.

As for JK ranking Jimin last... did he ever rank himself first? No. He ranked Jimin last and himself second to last consistently. If he found Jimin unattractive he certainly found himself as equally unattractive only one step above Jimin.

I honestly think he was just teasing Jimin. He loves teasing Jimin because it's how he flirts with him. It's just the masculine energy in him I guess. V does this too when he flirts with Jimin. He teases him about his pinky, his Mochi cheeks and his glow up- Iland anyone?

Why y'all think JK looked away sharp when JM dropped to the floor?? He recognized what V was doing- don't mind me. I'm trolling. Lol. But deadass.

Jimin teases JK too by acting like he is available most times. It's the feminine energy in him. Girls like to tease their crush by amplifying their sex appeal. What better way to amp up your sex appeal than by having other people show interest in you? Jimin is a tease. Bless him.

Besides, when JK ranked Jimin first in looks he ranked himself last. I hope y'all don't think it's because he has low self esteem?

He ranked himself and Jimin last because he wanted to humble himself and by extension Jimin because he sees himself as Jimin's equal and as such recognizes their place as the youngest within the group. As he has explained, as the youngest, he places everyone else above him.

I honestly don't think Jungkook had always been interested in Jimin. But somewhere along the line while he came to terms with his own sexuality he began developing feelings for Jimin. His glow up had nothing to do with it. In my opinion.

I think Jimin caught him off guard? It's that red string serendipity destiny voodoo working its magic that orchestrating their love. In my opinion.

I don't think either of Jikook went searching for this love thingy either as I keep saying. It wasn't planned, it wasn't foreseen, it just happened to both of them but at a different pace.

I hope this helps?

Signed,

GOLDY