#but i couldn't focus until i posted this bc i've been thinking about it

[threelionsgirl]

karma is my boyfriend| mason mount

part II of better with me

summary: y/n and mason finally arrive in cancun with y/n having to make a serious decision; while trying to understand her feelings for mason warnings: none word count: 1.760 notes: it's been a long time since i've posted anything, this was a sequel that i've been writing for a while, i even thought about posting it on wattpad bc i really like the plot, but i don't know, do you want a sequel? let me know!!! also i wanted to say that english isn't my first language so sorry for the mistakes, not reviewed (ignore the title too, I couldn't think of anything better

After just over two hours of pure sex with Mason, Y/N had decided that this was the best way to travel by plane, but she wasn't iron either. She was exhausted, and he wasn't much different either. For the rest of the time, realising they had no choice, they silently agreed to raise a peace flag, at least until the plane landed. They were still sharing that small sofa, but decided to put on some warmer clothes while the same blanket covered them. Y/N had discovered that she could occupy the same seat with Mason without fighting with him or fucking him… She hadn't felt that sensation since… Since they were 15, when things started to change between them and a part of her, however small, missed her friend. "So why didn't you break up with him?" Mason asked. They had been talking for a while about trivial things, and that was one of his biggest doubts. The low light and the cold climate made the atmosphere of the plane pleasant for that. He had one arm under her body and his Serbian bicep as a pillow to support her head. "Him who?" "Your boyfriend, Jake." Y/N grimaced as she remembered him. She didn't want to remember him while she was still with Mason, because she knew that cheating on him had been wrong.

"Well, I don't know… He's a nice guy, he treats me well, and I know he loves me." Guilt seemed to consume her even more after saying that, Jake was a nice guy, he didn't deserve what she was doing to him, even though she wasn't sorry. "I guess I was trying to focus on these things, thinking that it would be immature to end a relationship because of sex; Sex shouldn't be the basis of a relationship, and it shouldn't matter so much. I mean, there are people who live just fine without sex, right?" "You're not one of those people, so you're not going to live well that way." He said, and she looked at him, thinking that behind all that arrogance, Mason actually had a thinking brain. "I also agree that it shouldn't be the basis, but sex is fucking important." "You're right, I was just fooling myself. When we get there, I'll give him a call." "To break up?" He asked unassumingly, but with a faint thread of hope running through him. "Yeah, maybe, I guess. I mean, I don't want to hurt him, but I need to tell him I had sex with you. I'm sure he won't be happy to know." She pondered, knowing it would be difficult, but confident that it was the right thing to do. "What about you? Why did you break up with Karen?" She turned sideways to look at him, no longer feeling awkward about having his body so close and wanting to look him in the eye. Mason wanted to pull her around the waist with his other hand and entwine his legs in hers, but somehow it didn't seem right.

"She was suffocating me." He let off steam, remembering how sometimes, or almost always, Karen could be annoying. Mason preferred to summarise the story, the details were too stupid to hold Y/N's attention. "The Euro final was too difficult, and I really didn't want to bring her to Cancún with us." "Hmm." It was the only thing she decided to say, realising that Mason didn't want to prolong the subject any further, and neither did she. Y/N stared at the roof of the plane, listening to the noise of the wind and the engines, the two of them there, it seemed like a parallel reality, and she began to wonder what it would be like when the plane landed. A part of her didn't want things to change because it scared the shit out of her. "Mount?" "What is it, princess?" His eyes were almost closed, but he opened them wide when he heard her voice. "I was serious at the time, let's not tell anyone about it." She said, pointing at him and herself. Mason stopped to think for a moment, in his mind this was the start of something new, but Y/N wasn't really interested in making things change. This fuelled something bitter inside him, so he decided to act the same way.

"I also think it'll be better if they don't know." She shook her head, sure that the subject was closed when he whispered: "So, do you hate me again?" "Wait until the plane lands, now I just want to sleep." Y/N spoke as if sleeping in his arms was the most comfortable place she had ever slept. It made Mason angry, but he couldn't do anything as he watched her eyes grow heavy, as Y/N fell asleep so close to his body. Not while that moment was all he ever wanted.

─────────────

"Look who's finally here? So? How was your trip? I guess you got through it without killing yourselves." Declan laughed as Mason and Y/N got off the plane. They had finally landed, and Y/N's brother decided that he would be the one to meet them at Cancún airport. Y/N couldn't believe it when the plane finally landed. When she woke up on top of Mason, from the window she could see that it was morning, she locked herself in the bathroom and only came out when they were minutes away from landing. It was time to get back to normal, and she had to get ready. She changed her clothes and dressed up as much as possible, trying to look like she hadn't had a hectic night of sex. Y/N left first, coming through the door like a rocket. She stared at Declan with fire in her eyes. Unlike her, he was in a good mood, smiling and wearing sunglasses to protect his eyes from the beautiful sun. "You're a terrible brother, you know that?" She grumbled, walking past him and handing him her bag to carry. He looked at Mason for answers, Declan thought that Y/N would get so angry that she would storm out of the plane swearing a thousand words and slapping his arm, but she seemed quite calm.

"What's up, bro." He greeted Mason and the two of them started walking side by side, behind Y/N who was a few steps ahead.

"I really thought she'd be angrier, what happened there?" Mason bit the inside of his cheek, flashes of the trip flooded his mind and he remembered every moment with Y/N, but he also remembered the deal they had made not to tell anyone, and that included Declan, so it was inevitable that he would have to lie to his best friend. He looked ahead so that Dec wouldn't notice. "I don't know, I slept the whole journey. Do you know how hard it is to put up with a girl as boring as the princess for so many hours?" "Don't be late next time then!" Dec slapped him on the back, laughing. He had thought he was a genius when he came up with the idea of putting Mason and Y/N on the same plane. That experience must have been the worst for both of them, and he found it amusing. The journey out of the airport was uneventful. They had decided to rent a mansion on the beach instead of staying in a hotel with the excuse of having more privacy. Lauren, Alex and Ben were already there when Dec, Mase and Y/N arrived. They hadn't really done much while waiting for the other two. Their plan was to set aside a few hours to rest and go out in the evening.

The house was big enough for everyone to have their own room, with the exception of Lauren and Declan, who preferred to stay together as expected. Y/N discovered that the last two rooms left were facing each other, which meant that Mason would be her next door neighbour. It was for these reasons that she hated arriving after everyone else. She went to her room to unpack and Alex went to help her so they could talk. The only thing Y/N could think about was taking a nice shower. "So, Y/N, is Jake coming?" Alex asked, throwing herself onto her bed after a while. Y/N was on the floor with her suitcases open, looking for an outfit to wear for the evening. Jake. She hadn't even stopped to think about him because remembering that she had cheated on her boyfriend wasn't the best thought. "I'm going to break up with him." "What? Why?" Alex stood up quickly, surprised. In her mind, Y/N and Jake were the happiest couple in the world, she couldn't imagine that they were facing problems to the point of breaking up. "Do you want me to be honest?" Y/N paused. "He's terrible in bed, and I've realised that I can't live without cumming." "Is that serious?" Alex was dumbfounded. Y/N just thought that she would only be more shocked if she knew that it was Mason who had made her realise all that. But Mason was her secret under lock and key.

"Very serious. I'll finish this" She indicated the clothes in her suitcase. "And call him." "You're going to end a year-long relationship over a mobile phone?" Alex looked sceptical, it was all so sudden. Y/N stood up, pondering. God, she had betrayed him, and now she was going to end it all with a phone call. She was a terrible person. That's for sure. Karma was her boyfriend and would come for her at any moment. "Do you want me to make you come here just to finish?" Either option was terrible. She could also pretend that nothing had happened and carry on with Jake, but that seemed even worse. As well as lying to him, she'd be lying to herself. "It makes sense." Alex agreed. Y/N shrugged and took a towel out of her bag. Through the crack in the door, she saw Mason, shirtless, entering his room, and bit her lip. A few hours later and she was already missing his hot body, but NO, it wasn't going to happen again. Ever.

"You look strange, Y/N." Alex's voice roused her from her thoughts, and Y/N stopped staring at the door, trying to forget that Mason was half-naked next door. "No, I'm not. I'm just… thinking about what we're going to do today." "Well, I don't know what I'm going to do, but you'll definitely be looking for a guy who can make you come." Alex laughed, walking past her and slapping her on the bum. Y/N sighed and laughed back. Alex had no idea that Y/N had already found this guy, and he was only a door away.

[ethaninthewilde]

my experience with top surgery

with Dr. Lisa Friederich in Sydney, Australia

because i needed to write about this beautiful, ethereal experience, even though I do not think I can do it justice in words.

so i had pedicle top surgery with dr. lisa friederich at hunters' hill hospital three days ago and it went as amazing as I ever could have hoped. incredibly beautiful results that have me made me cry with happiness multiple times.

I went in at 8am, the surgery lasted about 4 hours and I woke up about two hours after. i was pretty wiped but my boyfriend was there when i woke up and he just kissed me and i went back to sleep. i woke up again about seven hours later, probably with a 2/10 pain, but that's as bad as my pain has been this whole time and i've been prescribed oxycodone to take as needed (no more than one per four hours) with panadol and that's worked wonders. the drains were attached and there was a little more fluid than i was expecting but that was okay. the nurse came in to take my blood pressure, temperature, oxygen levels, and check my drains. i took some oxycodone and was asleep again in the next hour or so. woke up again around 4am feeling much more myself. managed to walk myself to the bathroom (a big thing for me post-major surgery since I really struggle to walk sometimes) and I saw my chest in the compression binder for the first time. i was so so happy with it being flat and i couldn't stop running my hands over the flat (flat! flat!!!!) surface and i took a lil video of myself and i truly think i will remember that moment forever as the most confident i have ever felt in my body--and i hadn't even seen my actual chest yet.

as euphoric as I was, I was still pretty tired so I went back to bed and called the nurse for some more endone bc I could feel the pain starting to come back. all the nurses that came in the two days I was in the hospital were truly so kind, and so competent and lovely. I did get deadnamed a few times, but I haven't legally changed my name yet so that's what was on my documents, and the nurses who did it all apologised and fixed it so that was wonderful. the nurse took my levels again--everything was fine--and i called my friends who were in different timezones and i cannot describe how it felt to sit with my friends who I'd been talking about getting top surgery with for nearly eight years and now it was just done and my god everything felt so beautiful and it's cliche but everything in life was worth it for these last few days post-op. i had been working toward this surgery for so so long, moved across the country for it, worked four jobs at 15 for it, been homeless for it, had the thought of eventually being able to get this surgery keep me alive for so long when i was alone, depressed, suicidal and self-loathing--and i had finally made it. i finally fucking made it. i was fucking beautiful and i had made it and i finally felt loveable. i finally felt like myself. trans joy is godhood. trans joy is lifesaving. i truly believe this surgery saved my life.

anyways!! i was awake for a few hours until about seven am when i went back to sleep until about 11. my boyfriend was coming to pick me up around 12 after he finished work so i called the nurse in to let her know and she gave me some more endone and removed my first drain. this felt very weird, like a tube was being pulled from the top of my chest through the side, almost alien-like, and i felt a little dizzy and lightheaded so the nurse put an oxygen mask on me and laid the bed down for about five - ten minutes until i felt better. she was really patient which was lovely because i get regular seizures and whenever i get dizzy I always get scared one is coming since it's a regular warning sign, but she just let me lie there with my eyes closed and focus on my breathing. at this point my boyfriend had turned up, and he held my hand whilst she took the other drain out, which had considerably less fluid in it.

i saw the surgeon again before I was discharged--and Dr. Lisa is genuinely one of the kindest, well-conducted doctors I have ever dealt with (and I have been in hospital over 35 times in the last 7 months or so). she replaced the top layer of clear dressing over my nipples, and worked a needle through them to de-congest some of the blood, which turned them back to the more-typical pink. she then gave me a fresh binder and gauze pads to take home, along with a box of oxycodone for the pain and told me to book a follow-up appointment with her in the next seven days. she also told me to do regular compressions of the nipple area to continue decongesting the blood over the next few days, which would help with the colour. now this was the moment because i got to take the binder off to do these compressions and i saw my chest for the first time. and truly, truly, truly--the innate, inherent holy shit, that's me feeling that fucking swept through was overwhelming i teared up and almost hugged my surgeon. i didn't have a lot of time to contemplate bc I had to put the binder back on and the nurse came back in with the paperwork and suddenly I was packing up (though they were very kind and said i could stay for as long as I wanted to, if I had any more questions, etc.)

boyfriend made me food when we got home and insisted I go to bed despite feeling completely fine if a bit tired still, so I did and we watched an episode of drag race. we're staying at his parents' place whilst i'm recovering and both of his parents are/used to be nurses so this was a reassurance if anything were to go wrong. i had soup for dinner that night which hurt my throat a little but the main issue is was the massive bruise on the inside of my lip from when i was intubated in surgery (which should go away in the next few days, but to me has honestly been the most frustrating part of this whole recovery). took some panadol and endone and did my compressions. taking off the binder and being able to look at my chest properly for the first time was the most tender moment of my entire life, with ethan whispering "you're so beautiful" and "baby, you made it" and "look at you, love, holy shit" into my ear and into my shoulder as i sat there, completely exposed, completely vulnerable, bandaged, and completely myself for the first time in my life. i think i spent about 45 minutes just going back and forth between him and the mirror, laughing and crying and laughing and just being so indescribably euphoric and overcome with it all. i'd finally made it. here, right now, even with all my unresolved medical issues and trauma and fears, i had everything i had ever wanted and it was real. it was REAL. i do not think i will ever feel that strong of a sense of peace and contentness again in my life. in that moment i felt unbreakable. in that moment i felt invincible, indestructible, fucking untouchable. i fucking made it, and no one could take that away from me. no one, nothing, ever. i had saved my life. i had saved my own life. i was here and i was real and i was finally myself. how do i explain this? i cannot keep repeating this but it seems the only way. lord, if only you could feel the godhood i have been given. the power i have in my hands. the power this body has.

it took me too long to realise how beautiful this trans body of mine is. but i am here now. i am never letting go.

dr. lisa friederich: i think you saved my life. thank you for bringing me back. thank you. thank you. thank you. i finally made it.

[i will add to this over the next few days, but right now i need to go back to sleep. i love you all]

[mcalhenwrites]

Close enough to 2024 to ramble about this year and the coming one. I have goals.

Writing goals are first and foremost. Those will be the main focus of the year. It's my life and my career after all. If I couldn't find time for writing, I really wouldn't care about the rest. I love writing too much to want to do anything else more than that. XD - Publish Geckos, Automata. If it sells, that'd be great. I'm beginning to think it won't. Publishing it anyway, never shutting up about it, gonna keep spamming it until my followers either interact or just leave. - Tweaking the ending of That's... Not a Cat. Polishing cover. Putting it out there as an ebook. - Rewriting Stargazers' Hill. The thing I said I wouldn't do, but I have ideas on how to fix it, and I badly want to stay with those stupid characters even longer. (I get way too attached. My worst traits as an author, maybe? Don't care, I do what I want. :P ) I can't predict the rest because I don't trust my muses, but I suppose I'm going to work on a bunch of other things, from dragon universe stories to other things I've started. New stories are springing up, and I need to water them~ Really excited about developing Hervey/Algernon, but I think that one needs to steep a bit. :) I'm going to also at least finish one crocheted dragon. Probably Willow. Or Tessa's human form. Will post with writing so you can't have crochet without my writing content attached, bc honestly fuck all the pain crochet brings me. :) (Though I do want to finish my KHUX stained glass blanket, which I probably won't post when I'm done, bc I don't post my non-writing-related crochet 99% of the time. I just tell people I don't crochet so they stop asking for free patterns/gifts/tutorials/etc. So yeah. Don't crochet around here, fuck that shit.) Anyway. :) Money isn't great, so I probably won't play too many games, but I will be playing MISSING LINK when it comes out since it's F2P mobage (which is... ugh, but my favorite part of KH lore has been on the mobile games of all things). And Fantasy Life i, I saved already for that. ;A; This year, I did play some great games! Mostly on my switch. To no one's surprise, RF4 Special is here. Favorite game of all time. Harvestella is a rare treat, highly recommend. :D

And onto reading goals... thinking 90 books for my 2024 goal! My books this year are at 130 currently, and probably won't get much higher if at all unless I finish my re-read of Chobits, but here's that list:

Some of these are re-reads, many are not. Quite a few indie books, quite a bit of manga/comics in there... I re-read Loveless after deleting that I read it on Goodreads due to the controversy, but I have thoughts about how it explores abuse and think it's a really intriguing series for that matter alone. (It also has beautiful art and is taboo as hell, but you can find the block button if you need it, can't you? <3 ) Many amazing reads this year, hoping to read more from several of these authors! And some I realllllly love and clearly will continue to read (Yuhki Kamatani, Rin Chupeco, Nghi Vo, etc.) This isn't including all I read on AO3. Which is quite a bit.

[dearestxiao]

Hey I just wanted to ask and I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfy but what happened to saekogun? I missed your #junesdegeneracyau and then I found out everything disappeared which was weird bcs I recall seeing ur blog in like March 2022

hi there nonnie... omg wow it's been such a long time since I've actually posted on this blog. thank you so much for the concern and to anyone else who's asked about me.

to give a quick tldr as to what happened with saekogun exactly: I took a break from writing right around a point in my life where I was both very busy, and slowly becoming more and more happy. the break turned out to be much longer than I thought it would be, and I one day decided to get rid of saekogun. my mental health has improved immensely, and I just wanted to say hello again.

I will start this off by saying I am very much alive and well. at the start of my first semester last year I decided to take a break from writing so that I could focus on my classes and internship and... just about everything else life had in store for me. it was initially supposed to be a short two week break, which is why I had initially never posted about it. but as more and more time went on, big (good) things kept happening in my life, and I had felt as if my mental health had additionally improved being away from tumblr. I decided that, for the sake of my mental well-being, I would not return for quite some time until I was fully stable enough to do so.

tumblr was a really weird source of turmoil in my life back then, which is kind of funny to say now that I look back on it (it sounds sooooo unserious, I know I know). I never talked about this openingly on my blog, but I did struggle a lot with my mental health, especially as someone with bpd. during the time that I wrote for saekogun, I had consistent and heavy episodes and mood swings. I knew no one else with bpd nor did I have someone I could talk about it with, so I felt a bit alone.

I felt very alone in my struggles and used tumblr as a sort of crutch and aid and it helped. immensely. but it also hurt me in different ways. I treated tumblr as a big responsibility in my life and it felt like I had a full time job as a content creator. I'm also neurodivergent and my executive function issues were beating me up without remorse. this was at a point in my life where I really did not have time for running my blog, but writing and interacting with the lovely following I had generated felt great. it was just too much for me though unfortunately, so I decided to move on.

I decided that I would keep the blog up running so that people could still enjoy it in my absence. however, one night after thinking on it for months I decided to just get rid of it. it sounds odd, but now that I was healing, that blog was just too representative and tied to a bad era of my life for me to want it to keep existing. so I banished it into the void, never to be seen again.

a lot of stuff has happened between now and then. to keep things short and sweet, I'm a lot happier now. I won't say things are absolutely perfect, because not everything can be of course, but I feel as though I've healed and grown. some amazing things have happened and for the first time in years I experienced true joy for a very long period of time. I'll stop myself from rambling before I get too cheesy and corny. but just know that it fr does get better y'all. I'm so glad I've lived long enough to a point where I can confidently say that.

I have a lot of regrets when it comes to saekogun. I definitely was not the best blog runner. I was constantly behind on asks and projects and I made lots and lots of mistakes when it came to my posting schedules and how I handled asks. I had so many asks that I never got to and made so many promises I couldn't keep. for that I deeply and utterly apologize. I do wish that I had done better and am sorry to those who've I disappointed. I thank everyone who had took the time to send something in and put time and energy into my blog.

another regret I have is not saving the color blue before I had gotten rid of the blog. that story is unfortunately lost to time itself since I don't have any portion of it saved. which sucks because if there was anything I'd continue to write about here from my old blog, it'd be that, but I have no access to it now.

I'm also sorry for anyone I have worried in my absence. I really should have made a post sooner, but I honestly had no idea what to say. I didn't know how to come back, and the longer I took to say anything, the harder it got.

I am beyond grateful for everything you've all had done for me, and for sticking around and checking up on me, and for enjoying my content in the first place. I cannot put into words how much it means to me for people to have cared about my silly little degenerate posts. from the bottom of my heart, I seriously thank you all. I also thank my sweet anons, old mutuals, and any followers who are still here.

now, onto the big question: will I ever write for this blog again? the answer is... iffy. I often fantasize about being able to write again, but the truth is I'm not into genshin anymore whatsoever, which is an issue since my primary fandom was always genshin. at some point after sumeru's initial release, I was simply just not as into the game anymore, and was too busy to actually sit down and play. I have no idea what's going on lore or game wise, and anything thats happened fandom wise either.

unfortunately, I'm not interested in getting back into genshin, so I'm very sorry to disappoint anyone who was hoping for more content like what I used to create.

however, I love writing. and I'm still really into yanderes and dark fiction as a whole. but I'm currently not into any fandoms that I think people would really be interested in so I don't think I have much to offer in terms of content. so for now, it's a... maybe? I guess we can talk about that as time goes by.

this is absolutely not to promise I'll actually be back though. I'm not sure if I'd be able to run a blog still to be honest, atleast not consistently. but I would love to drop by and post a little something every now and then and talk with you all.

thank you all once again, and thanks to whoever read this entire mess of words. listen, I'm rusty okay 😔

[queen-scribbles]

Since she's on my summer exchange refs, figured I should actually make a post about how things play out for Ody--specifically relating to Chance--post-class story. (This wound up. uh. long than planned at just over 1k. heh)

As I've mentioned, their relationship starts with her visiting him after the end of the Agent story. She sneaks into Coruscant, visits him in rehab. She smuggles in that drink he offered bc she doesn't want to wait until he's out and they talk. There’s a lot to talk about, starting with him apologizing for using her control word even though he knew it was wrong. (Being afraid to die explains but doesn’t excuse) She forgives him-more easily than he thinks she should-bc it’s the nature of spy business and Kothe wasn’t wrong about her being a plant. She maybe teases him a little about being too soft for spy work. He takes it in stride("Maybe I am. Might wind up a moot point." with how extensive his injuries were, there's low odds he'll go back to field work for a long time, if at all).

At the end of a few very frank conversations, they acknowledge there’s definitely an attraction between them still, and agree to see where things go. She told him about the Star Cabal, some of what she’s been through, being a double agent for Kothe, and promises to check in when she can. She is supposed to be maintaining cover in Sith Intelligence, so it’s not like she can pop over to Coruscant whenever she feels like it. They trade real names. She knew his from tracking down where he was for rehab, but Chance tells her before that clicks he's still on a lot of meds and Ody reciprocates. She was planning to tell him anyway so he didn't have to keep calling her Legate. (He is the only one who calls her Des or Dessa instead of Ody as a nickname)

She finds a way to actually visit after finishing on Yavin 4. While there's a very small part of her that couldn't help wondering if he was a Revanite through the Rishi portion, she always shushed it. That's her paranoia talking, Kothe and Watcher X rubbed off on her etc etc. She finally shuts it up for good when she finds the complete list of Revanite agents and his name's not on it(SEE!!)

She doesn’t give him all the details, just enough to convey what they were up against before changing the subject to ask about him. How’s his recovery going, will he be shifting career focus, made any friends in rehab? Chance accepts the redirect since she clearly doesn’t feel like talking about it anymore. (He’s coming along, still limps and probably always will, but at least he can walk. It does look like he’ll be switching to desk duty, probably as an analyst but maybe a handler. Not sure how he feels about the latter option.) They get a few days together before she has to leave so her people don’t get suspicious. There's a small boring period where they think about each other, she maybe hacks a couple systems to check up on him, and they make a habit of finding ways to contact each other with short messages that won't get either of them in trouble. Things are too tense with renewed hostilities for her to actually visit Coruscant again for a while.

After Ziost she comes back and she’s a wreck. Chance is semi-out of rehab at this point; it’s like monitored independent living. Doctors on site and biometric tracking but they largely leave you alone unless you call or the biometrics alert them to an emergency, so they have a bit more privacy. He’s immediately just “What’s wrong?!” and she tries to hold it together at the beginning, but by the time she gets to watching Vitiate consume the entire planet her hands are shaking and her voice cracks and Chance is pulling her in for a hug. It turns into their first kiss. Ody stays for awhile. Intelligence isn’t tracking her currently, Lana trusts that she knows what she’s doing(and she’s infiltrated the Republic before, she has three separate excuses prepared if anyone questions). She takes some time for her, for them, to really solidify the relationship. Her family is from Ziost, even if they've since relocated to Dromund Kaas, so she's really rattled and in a mood to prioritize personal stuff. Focus on the "little details" that matter. She spends a week or two there, and barely does any "work". Sometime in there also comes sex as part of that focus on being alive and both of them want it(they double check) and Chance is healed enough it’s not going to cause problems for him.

It's shortly before she has to leave that Chance brings up the possibility of just... walking away. Not from her hunt for Vitiate; he knows he can't talk her out of that. But from their respective intelligence agencies. Set up their own freelance investigative service, or walk away from that line of work entirely and do something different. It's very, very tempting, especially with her feeling on the Empire now, but she says no. The resources of Sith intelligence/Darth Marr are too vital in this hunt, she can't give that up o matter how big a problem she has with them. (Plus there's this new mysterious army that's started hitting both Republic and Imperial targets to worry about...) Chance says he figured but had to try, Ody promises she'll be safe, she'll visit again as she's saying goodbye.

They get one more visit between Ziost and the Wild Space Expedition, and it's not a long one. A day, at most. Stolen time in the middle of chaos. Then she has to leave for the Wild Space Expedition and that's the last time they see each other.

Ody comes out of carbonite five years later and, at some point after all the running and fighting and almost dying, finds out Chance was killed while she was MIA, sometime year 3 or 4. I'm still deciding whether it's the Sith or Eternal Empire that's responsible, bc either is a whole lot of juicy angst. Either it's one more thing the Empire she swore to uphold took from her, or it'll make her interactions with Arcann really interesting and I'm not sure which would be more Fun. 😈

So she's trying to process the grief of that, wondering if things would be different if she'd agreed to his "Let's just go" suggestion since he was KIA, while also standing against the Eternal Empire and trying to get Valkorion TF OUT OF HER HEAD. Not a fun time for her.

This is already longer than planned for it to be, so. Basically. Healing process from KotET through EoO, then she's gonna flirt with the cute space pirate Mandalorian and hopefully that'll end better.😊😉

[ahiddenpath]

Life Talk

Tone summary:

Life

I'm lowkey a wreck???? Is that a thing? I think you know what I mean. I get up and do the things, but emotionally everything is like AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

First World Problems

So I've been saving for a bathroom reno for... I don't even know how long, years and years. We have a sum that I thought was pretty substantial??? We went to a showroom and I picked a bunch of stuff I didn't like bc that is what they had. My inspiration for my bathroom is sea glass, and the showroom had neutrals only. Like, the kind of bathroom reno you do to flip a house, but on a much nicer scale.

Anyway, we had y money. Our estimate was y + (y*46%). I mentioned that our estimate made sense about 3 years ago, and the designer said, "Yes, 3 years ago your estimate would be about 6% higher than your budget of y." Meaning there has been a roughly 40% inflation of their services/materials over the last 3 years.

Okay, so like, I get it. I have a home, this is a first world problem. But it also isn't? Because like... What if your pipes burst, and you need to redo your bathroom? Now it's 40% more expensive than it was 3 years ago, through no fault of your own.

It's like everything I was saving for, everything I tried to do... The goal post dramatically leaped in a short timeframe. I'm so frustrated. I'd put it off, but apparently the forecast for this type of goods/services is further unprecedented inflation next year, of course.

I've also spent the whole damned weekend on this, because today, my husband made a 3D model of our bathroom, and I picked stuff I actually like. So like- I haven't done any chores or creative stuff or relaxing. My husband just asked me to get on a call with our two closest friends from out of state to plan a meet up, and I just about burst into tears. I just can't handle more mental load. I don't want to be the person who turns down doing things (that I can reasonably afford) because I'm so overwhelmed, but that's where I am.

Work

It's weird because lately, work has been... A bit better? I take lunches. I leave on time, or even half an hour early. But I'm so beyond burnt out from those few months where I worked closely with someone and did my work plus half of his, or more.

This is a weird thing to say, I know, but I had an epiphany when I was talking to my hairdresser yesterday, lmao! I was telling her all the stuff I did this year at work, and she was like- um, that sounds like a lot? Like really amazing?

And it's true. This year, I generated a type of protein that no one in my company has been able to make. I closed out a project my senior has been trying to do for almost the whole year- I did it in two weeks. I've been taking on and wrapping up lingering projects, all of which I had no clue how to do. My boss calls me The Closer.

And through all of this, I've felt like an underperforming idiot, because I didn't know the skills needed for anything and I struggled and asked a million qs and was anxious all the time. But the people who did have the skills and background couldn't (wouldn't?) do it, and I did.

The place itself is still a massive dumpster fire of chaos. But I'm doing well, except... I'm always given tasks I don't know how to do, and often, no one in my group knows, either. It's all brand new stuff or finishing stuff other people couldn't get done. That is so much extra mental load and stress compared to doing tasks I know how to do.

Creative Life

I've been doing Nanowrimo. Until yesterday, I was doing and feeling great. I wrote all of 83 words yesterday, and 0 so far today, lmao! I'll... try.

I still feel weird/unsure about sharing my work. I'm trying not to focus on that, and instead focus on enjoying creating. Right now, I'm really overwhelmed in general, though.

Fearing for the Future

I'm at the age where if I want to have biological kids, it's uhhhh it's at that "clock is ticking" point. But I'm barely handling myself as I am, without a kid, and stuff keeps getting wildly more expensive. I try to remind myself that I have an anxiety disorder, so my fears are augmented, but...

It really feels like, at this moment, this world isn't fit to bring a kid into. It feels like a lot of the stuff considered normal for a middle class person like twenty years ago is just... Off the table now.

Despair doesn't help anyone, you know? No point languishing on it. But also, uh, it feels very real? I'm sure people think about this a lot lately, so I don't want to catastrophize at length. I guess I'm just sharing that it's on my mind.

I hope you're all well and hanging in there. Please try to take care of yourselves <3

[nightwingblorbo]

so i'm doing a little late night planning for my next fic, and thinking about how i want to approach the structure of the narrative. this post is basically me typing my thoughts out so i can get them straight bc ive been awake for too long lol, taking after my scrungly lil blorbo.

in KMIYA, i kept the narrative very episodic, with scenes that focused on aftermath, and i took 'show, not tell' very seriously. I think as the fic continued (and i aged) i nailed this a bit more. if i ever go back to properly rewrite the fic, i would probably make it slightly less disjointed, although i think most of it is mitigated through the focus on the passage of time. I'd also go back and completely rework ch.4 but thats a discussion for another time.

anyways, the episodic nature of KMIYA worked because it was so heavily focused on Dick as a character, with the plot existing to facilitate a lengthy character study instead of Dick's character existing as an emotional underscore to the plot.

In my next fic (which is currently named 'Bruce + Dick go to Pain Town in my google drive) is definitely going to be more plot heavy. all four batboys will be there, assuming they're not too ooc. i still want to have a plot that facilitates character study, or character dynamic study, but i want to give the fic a greater sense of urgency and pacing.

my strength in writing has always been suspense and reveal, it's something i greatly enjoy, but i've noticed i fall into the same 'slow and steady wins the race' mindset which just won't work for the Pain Town fic to be effective in its emotional delivery.

The whole vibe of the fic is meant to be fast paced to replicate a) the emotional disorientation dick is experiencing and b) the rapidity of dick's mental/emotional decline, to the point he himself doesn't realise it until he is too late.

so ig the 'physical' plot isn't just going to be a framing device for the character study? instead of being a setpeice it'll interact directly with the core plot, rather than acting as a backdrop for suffering.

as for Pain Town itself, here are some plot tidbits/vibes bc i don't wanna keep the fic shrouded in mystery and i'm excited about it:

nightwing has Serious Mental Health Problems

bruce + dick toxicity on a Whole New Level

CPR

Bruce expecting perfection from Dick to an unhealthy extent, and expectation that is not extended to the other bat children

Jason being Dick's opposite, Tim the Perfect Child and flying under the radar, slight Damian favouritism but its unconcious on Bruce's part (this is all Dick's perspective btdubs)

(i'm an english literature student in case you couldn't tell)

[tazzy-ace]

For the AU askgame: DMBJ + Guardian Horror Movie AU

Hi there ask from my favorite chief that was almost a year ago o/ jsksjksks After this long and scrolling through my blog to find the original post to figure out what this was about I'm here to answer! 😅

The rules for this ask was give 5 facts... but as you'll see I got a little carried away. Enjoy!

I did look up the tropes of Horror characters because I've honestly only watched a handful of horror movies but I know enough from pop culture to be ready to answer this sjksj My just being bad at names meant I needed help from the internet

Horror Movie AU w/ DMBJ + Guardian

Okay first let's start with the cast:

Obviously got to have Zhao Yunlan, Shen Wei, and Wu Xie Pangzi and Xiaoge (I've got special plans for him 😉) Lin Jing and Liu Sang would be interesting in this settle, especially keeping the fake monk being a monk and Liu Sang having enhanced senses. As much as I would love to have my beloved cat and Chu Shuzhi or Xiao Guo, I've gotta focus in otherwise this would become so much more jsksjksjs

The Plot Hook

When a group of tomb raiders are caught by authorities as they are leaving a tomb, they think that will be the worst of it, until members of their team are slowly being killed or going missing. They are forced to team up in order to make it out alive. Is it man or monster? Living or dead? The group must find answers before there's no one left.

Character tropes/Roles

Zhao Yunlan - The competent fighter/cop, he's trained for taking down killers and bring justice to those that have been wronged. He's there for a purpose and is always motivated to keep moving forward without giving up hope

Shen Wei - The smart one/competent fighter, combines with facts told by other characters to piece things together and actually figure out who the killer is/why

Wu Xie - The final "girl", destined to be the last survivor as he eventually realizes that he's not being targeted the way the others are

Pangzi - The character that sacrifices himself to protect/safe his friends, he would never let his friend's be hurt if he could do something about it (maybe in the sequel it's revealed he didn't actually die bc I couldn't bear to keep this man dead)

Lin Jing - The one trying to guide through the problem and understanding the deeper thing going on

Liu Sang - The one able to warn when danger grows near, as the plot continues he struggles more and more to tell when something is about to happen until he's too late to save himself

Xiaoge - The corrupted killer, maybe a tomb curse or the effects of the Zhang family trying to bring back their perfect immortal head of the family under their control (Do I love the friends fighting against each other against their will/one refusing to hurt the other in a fight? yes, yes I do)

The Resolution

With the combined intelligence and competence, the group is able to figure out the identity of the killer and the effects that Xiaoge is under to do such things. It's a struggle with losses, Pangzi dying (or maybe not quite and he comes back later) to protect Wu Xie to get back to Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan with important information and Liu Sang being eventually bested by the man he always looked up to and unable to bear raising a hand to his Ouixang. Lin Jing has a close call, almost dying after being attacked but manages to make it out alive. Zhao Yunlan, Shen Wei, and Wu Xie end up even closer bonded and Wu Xie ends up joining in their task force (SID equivalent in this AU) to follow the captured Xiaoge, hoping to be part of the solution of helping his friend through the effects that drove him to doing all of this and believing Pangzi dead and burying Liu Sang.

Could totally have a reboot/sequel with Pangzi coming back for revenge or something. Jksjksjs this escalated, but enjoy this full Horror AU breakdown! 😁 Thanks for the ask, chief o/

[stateofdreaming14]

Ok so there's this post that I've been thinking about a lot that basically amounts to 'i can't believe ppl actually care that Rose was 19 and the doctor was 900' and I've been trying to ignore it bc I don't care that much for starting fights over something like this (can't stress enough that you can go ahead and like whatever ships you want whether I agree with the ship or not. Go off) but, I do have many thoughts on it.

First off, I'm the type of person who just hates doctor/companion ships in general. It's a type of relationship where the dynamics of power are clearly unbalanced. The doctor is always the one in control of their adventures. If they want to go they have to be nice to him, and if they don't want to be stranded fuck knows where then they better listen to him (the doctor might not actually do that but he has threatened it at times like in Father's Day). He is also always the more knowledgeable one and the one they depend on to save them in the majority of situations.

When it comes to Rose in particular, her being incredibly young is baked into her character from the beginning. She is introduced as an aimless 19 y/o with no ambitions, no marketable skills, and stuck at a dead end job (which got blown up like ten minutes in). That's the very reason she wants to travel with the doctor. She feels stuck in this awkward time of her life where she has no purpose. Running away on some adventure, then, becomes her avoiding the growing pains of that precise time in one's life. So when she is forced back into her normal life, she doesn't see the point of any of it. She would rather give up everything and everyone (even her own life) to travel with the doctor. Reminder that holding the keys to the tardis is a big power the doctor has over his companions, and he can (and does) take the privilege away at any time. So for Rose, who gets self esteem and purpose from traveling with him, this power is doubled.

Not to mention that season one reminded us of her age constantly. The big emotional through line for the doctor (besides him dealing with time war aftermath) was his need to keep rose safe. He felt immense guilt at putting her into such dangerous situations. Whenever it seemed like shed died he'd say with great emotions, "she was only 19 years old, and now she's dead because of me. Because I brought her here" (not an exact quote but an approximate recreation of something he said often enough). The first season took her age very seriously. It was only season 2 where that stopped. Likely bc they couldn't pass up the chemistry between the two actors. (Of course even 9 and rose flirted often but they both insisted nothing was between them until the season end kiss).

And, of course, the show messed up by starting comparisons between her and Martha in season three. Martha by comparison is a woman with her life together. She has so many things outside of the doctor, which is why she's one of the few companions who chose to leave on her own. She isn't dependant on the doctor for her self worth. She has her life planned to some extent. The most she can complain about is a complicated family dynamic that forces her to be the mediator. Even more, she is defined by being mature, capable, and intelligent. This isn't a dig at rose btw, but that wasn't her at all. Her strengths were more in connecting with people, and it was often noted that she started to treat their travels like a game as time went on. She was often making jokes and highlighting the fun side of the adventures. All of her moments of going off on her own were characterized by her repeating things the doctor has said or observing things to tell the doctor later. There is even a part where 10 says that he wishes rose was there instead of Martha bc she would have figured everything out, much to the confusion of everyone who I've ever watched that episode with. It might have been the most delusional thing he ever said, and forced the audience to focus on how blatantly untrue that is. She would probably be flirting, making goofy jokes, or, at best, throwing out any idea that pops into her head until something sparked the doctor's thoughts. There is no way she'd be any better than Martha (who has already proved how capable she is by this point).

This isn't really supposed to be a hate post for any character or ship. But it is worth saying that it's perfectly reasonable to hate doctor/rose and also very reasonable to be squicked out by the age gap. Acting like ppl who dislike aspects of your ship are all unreasonable ppl who can't differentiate between fiction and reality is such a cope. Aspects of the ship are bad/weird. If you still like it regardless then just own it. Not everyone CAN just ignore certain aspects and enjoy it without thoughts. I'm sure there would be things I can get past that they can't. Just don't try to pretend you're so prosecuted for enjoying the main ship of three seasons that the majority of the fandom like just bc some ppl can't.

Anyway, rant over. Like I said, the post annoyed me but it's not worth fighting over so I probs won't even add tags. If doctor/rose shippers find it and get offended that's on them.

[findsilver]

i’d like to share with you what i call the pink tank top shakespearean aesthetic™

[livingwithmbc]

Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC)

The past few years have been rocky to put it mildly, not just as a nation or planet, but also personally.

I'm creating this space to share periodic updates and glimpses into what it's like living with metastatic breast cancer (referred to as MBC going forward because I'm lazy and don't like typing it every time) and whatever else I feel like. I don't promise to post consistently, only as I find it helpful and have the time and energy. I do, however, promise to be real, honest, crass, and vulnerable about my experiences. I curse like a sailor and if that isn't for you, no hard feelings, but this may not be the space for you, and that's perfectly okay. I don't particularly enjoy writing, nor am I great at it, but I recognize its value and how cathartic it can be. I've always been a naturally private person as I enjoy my quiet life, but there's nothing private about having BC. Appointment after I'm appointment I remove my shirt and bra as it seems like just about every medical professional needs to feel my breast lump. Just as cancer has invaded my breast, medical traumas began invading my life. Privacy seems almost comical these days, and I was living in denial while thinking I could do this all on my own without needing the support of my friends and family. I was very wrong. I didn't (and still don't) want pity from others. Life never promised to be fair. We don't choose the cards life deals us, but it's up to us to play the hell out of those cards, and I've got a killer poker face. So ask me the questions and I'll respond when I can. This is not a journey in which it's helpful to go it alone and if anything, it's detrimental to try. Something else noteworthy is that I have ADHD (thanks, dad!). As someone with ADHD, my brain jumps around. A lot. This is evident when talking with me but also in my writing as well. Bear with me and welcome to the shitshow.

For those of you that don't know me well (or perhaps at all), I turned 33 last month and work as a mental health counselor in Indiana. I've been married to my saint of a spouse for just shy of a decade and he's been my rock. In 2020, I was gearing up to graduate with my master's in clinical mental health counseling with plans to begin our family shortly thereafter. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans.

During the summer of 2020, my spouse was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma at age 30, after being short of breath for no clear reason, and being gaslit by medical professionals for several months about not feeling well. To say this was a shock was an understatement. Only old people get cancer, I thought, not seemingly healthy and active 30-year-olds. Our plans to begin trying to conceive were temporarily tabled as the focus shifted to my husband's health. I was devastated but chanted the mantra, "this too shall pass". We were told we had to wait at least 2 years to try to have kids due to the intense medications and treatments he was on. He spent months doing aggressive rounds of chemo, all while working almost full time. To say he's my hero would be putting it mildly. It's been about 2 years since his diagnosis and I'm thrilled to report he's still in remission!

Fast forward to early 2022. I noticed some dimpling under one of my breasts, but genuinely didn't think too much of it. Historically speaking, I've never been an overly anxious person, and typically don't worry much until there's truly something to worry about. My spouse encouraged me to schedule an appointment ASAP (he's the worrier). I already had an OB appointment upcoming so I planned to discuss the dimpling then as my neurodivergent brain couldn't handle making more phone calls for appointments and things. Unfortunately, the doctor felt a lump (I couldn't) and the ensuing weeks and months would prove to be an overwhelming whirlwind of fears, appointments, and uncertainties.

I like to think I have a good sense of humor, even if it's dark (I'd argue you have to have dark humor to survive in the mental health field). On Friday the 13th of May I was told my breast biopsy confirmed the worst: I have invasive ductile carcinoma. Jason was nowhere in sight but I would have been more accepting of his existence than me having cancer. I'll never forget the look of pity on the nurse's face delivering that news. I could tell she was going out of her way to try and make me feel better about the diagnosis, saying things along the lines of, "it was caught early, you won't die. You'll be fine." I remember taking the news surprisingly well and not being too phased by it. "I'm going to kick cancer's ass," I thought. I'm stubbornly determined when I set my mind to a task and cancer was no different in my mind. Mind over matter, as they say. Hell, I was even given a BC swag bag on my way out the door. I quickly got scheduled with an oncologist who set up scans, blood draws, the whole gambit. Getting breast cancer at 32 was jarring for the medical providers around me given that I have no family history of breast cancer. Genetic testing was order and I learned that I have an ATM genetic mutation, pre-disposing me to breast cancer and a handful of other cancers. The results were bittersweet as it provided answers to the "why" of cancer early in life, but shifted the initial surgery treatment plan to opting for a double mastectomy. I was generally still in high spirits, and made light of it all, joking about getting a shiny new rack as a silver lining of a shitty situation. When life gives you lemons, make tittyaide, I said. As scan results began to roll in, the plan abruptly shifted. A suspicious spot was found on my sternum and a biopsy confirmed the worst: the cancer had already spread to my sternum, meaning I was now dealing with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, a completely different beast than when BC is caught early. Surgery got cancelled and starting endocrine therapy ASAP was the new plan to try and shrink the tumors. I had no idea that multiple types of BC exist, all with different treatment implications. My specific type is ER/PR+, HER2-, meaning, my cancer feeds off my hormones. The treatment? Reduce the estrogen in my body as quickly as possible and transition me into menopause, thus stifling the cancer's fuel source. In all this scary news, the thing I mourned the deepest (and still do) is the uphill journey I will face to becoming a mom. Chemo made my spouse sterile and I am unable to carry a pregnancy as I cannot stop treatment long enough to sustain a pregnancy. People mean well when they offer comments like, "you can adopt!" but I'm here to tell you how painful and invalidating that response is. There is lifelong grief associated with infertility for those that want biological children. Even if we are able to pursue foster to adoption (the only "affordable" option to becoming a parent), I will always grieve not getting the experience of being pregnant and having biological kids. As cliché as it is, it's true that you don't always realize how badly you want something until it's no longer an option.

MBC, unlike early onset BC, is considered incurable. It's not an instant death sentence, but any doctor will let you know that it's essentially terminal, meaning it's a slow death. Living with MBC is a very, very different experience as there is no end in sight unlike many other cancer experiences. I will be in treatment for the rest of my life. The statistics for long-term survival aren't great, but I know I'm much more than a statistic. My goal is to live the most fulfilling life I can for as long as I can, and I hope that means I'll be around for a very long time. There's nothing like the threat of dying to make you appreciate each and every day, including the people in your life, the jobs, the pets, nature, etc. I believe maintaining a positive mindset while looking for learning opportunities is so important in overcoming any obstacles in life and I am so incredibly thankful for all those that have shown their love and support. If you read all of my ramblings, thank you for your patience. Take time to appreciate and express gratitude for the good things in your life. No matter how bad the circumstances may be, there is always something to be grateful for. <3

[zafirosreverie]

I posted 5963 times in 2021

5798 posts created (97%)

165 posts reblogged (3%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.0 posts.

I added 1457 tags in 2021

#reader insert - 225 posts

#x reader - 224 posts

#imagine - 184 posts

#agatha harkness - 176 posts

#agatha harkness x reader - 162 posts

#gay for kathryn hahn - 114 posts

#carla dunkler - 109 posts

#olivia octavius - 88 posts

#agatha harkness imagine - 88 posts

#zafiro talks - 87 posts

Longest Tag: 109 characters

#i can't answer messages on my posts bc this is a secondary blog and i want to keep my main apart from this :)

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Must be the eyes (Teacher!Agatha x Fem!Student!Reader) part 3

(Part 1) (part 2)

a/n: this is too cliché and I’m sorry for that. not really.

- - - - - - - - -

"I'm going to kill you" you hit Nick hard

"Ouch!" he exclaimed as he rubbed his shoulder "Damn Y/N, you have a good arm, you should consider boxing"

"Shut up! I’m mad at you!" you growled

"I know, I know! I'm sorry!" Nick threw up his hands in surrender "Listen, I didn't think Dalton was going to sit with me, okay? We were just chatting and I thought he would go to his seat as soon as we left"

"Ah, so leaving me standing in the hallway until your boyfriend left was the option? How is that better, Jadu?!" you crossed your arms.

"Sorry!" he said again "... but it wasn't that bad, was it? I mean, you ended up sitting with Ms Harkness"

"Yes, and then I used her as a pillow!" you hissed "Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?! She sure hates me now, Nick!"

"I don't think she does" he smiled at you "she has been looking at you since we arrived"

It was true. Since you hurriedly got down of the bus, and in all the time that you had been in the hotel lobby (seriously, how hard was it to give you your rooms?! Why did they have to keep you there for hours?), you could feel the brunette’s eyes on you. But you hadn't been able to look at her face, so you only glanced at her from time to time.

"And?" you asked

"Well, it's true that it could be a 'I'm planning your murder, Y/L/N' look" he joked "But, at least from here, it seems more like a 'I want you to use me as a pillow again, and as a whole bed if you want' look"

You blushed and hit him again.

"Shut up" you muttered "You're on thin ice, Jadu"

He laughed and hugged you from behind. He was much taller than you, so you could hear his heart. You felt safe with him, like an older brother taking care of you.

But you weren't going to forgive him so easily.

"Get off, Nick" you growled jokingly and crossed your arms

"Ok, plan B then" he said and released you, then dropped to one knee and took your hands.

You laughed at his silliness and quickly put yourself on role by faking a pout.

"Y/N  Y/L/N, my precious friend" he said "I am very sorry I hurted your feelings. What can this humble being do to earn your forgiveness?"

You stifled a laugh and tried not to smile "Nicholas Jadu, my idiot friend" you said "I'm afraid there is nothing you can do this time. Your offense is very serious"

"Please, my lady" he laughed "How about I offer you a book as a sacrifice?"

"Uhmm ... add a chamomile tea and you have a deal"

"deal"

Neither could hold your laughter any longer. You helped him to his feet and he put his arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer and ruffling your hair.

_________

Agatha couldn't help feeling a twinge of jealousy when she saw you laughing and playing with Nicholas. She knew she had no right to be jealous, especially when you were just talking to your friend like she had always seen you do since your first year at school.

See the full post

364 notes • Posted 2021-04-18 07:25:30 GMT

#4

Must be the eyes (Teacher!Agatha X Fem!Student!Reader) part 6

(Part 1) (Part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5)

a/n: i regret nothing

- - - - - - - 

"So" Nick smiled, and you immediately regretted saying anything to him, but you really didn't have anyone else (and you loved him).

"Okay yeah! I owe you two trips to the movies" you grunted "can we focus please?!"

"Y/N, I've been telling you since the beginning!" he laughed

"I know, I know!" you sighed "But put yourself in my shoes, Nick, how could I believe that my teacher was flirting with me?" you whispered

"We could all see it, Y/N"

"Liar"

"Okay, only I could, but that's only because the rest of our classmates are too scared of her to pay attention," he said.

"Yes, yes, whatever you say" you rolled your eyes "what do I do now, Nick?!"

"Excuse me?" he raised his eyebrow "... Y/N, I love you but ..."

You cringed when he, out of nowhere, started hitting you with the notebook he was holding in his hands and on which he was writing notes for his essay.

"Ouch!" you said, taking the notebook from him "what the hell was that for?!"

"To get you some common sense woman!" he exclaimed, snatching the notebook from you again "What am I going to do" he said, imitating your voice mockingly

"Nick-"

"You kiss her, Y/N! YOU KISS HER!"

"Are you crazy?!" you yelled

"Stop saying that!" He frowned "Y/N, don't you realize that you are living the fantasy of many?! You have a crush on a teacher, she has a crush on you, the two of you are sharing a room ... And you don't want to kiss her?!"

"Lower your voice or I'll strangle you" you hissed

He only looked at you for a moment, letting you think for a while. You sighed after a few seconds.

"Of course I want to kiss her, Nick ... more than anything" you admitted quietly "But ... I'm scared"

"About what?" I ask

"That I might like it"

Nick looked at you compassionately and hugged you with a sigh. Of all the people, he knew how difficult it was for you to open up to people, to trust them. He knew that your last relationship had hurted you (you had lived with him for a week, crying until you were tired and he had made sure you ate at least once a day). He understood perfectly that you were afraid, not only because of the difference in age or status between the two of you, but because of the possibility that for Harkness it was just something of the moment.

You didn't want to have illusions if you were only going to end up hurt. You didn't want to be a toy.

Nick didn't pressure you to keep talking. He just let you lie down next to him on the grass, and rest your head on his chest. If you were to cry, he would be there for you. He always would be.

______________

Agatha felt her blood boiling as she looked at the two of you lying on the grass hugging each other. She didn't want to admit it, but she felt a big hole in her chest. Part of her, deep inside, she had thought that perhaps last night she had done something for you, that perhaps, you had taken another step in the direction that she so desperately wanted.

See the full post

373 notes • Posted 2021-04-21 09:38:29 GMT

#3

Must be the eyes (Teacher!Agatha x Fem!Student!Reader) part 5

(Part 1) (Part 2) (part 3) (part 4)

a/n: I’m sorry if this is a little rushed, i did what i could with my laptop freezing at all times.

- - - - - - - - - - - - 

You jumped when your phone beeped with a message. You quickly grabbed it from the bed, where you had carelessly thrown it. It was from Nick.

"Meet me in the lobby”

You frowned slightly. What could he want at this hour? Probably tease you a little more. You rolled your eyes fondly.

During the whole tour, he hadn’t been able to tease you as usual. From the moment the two of you caught up with the group, your teacher's hand was firmly positioned on your lower back and when you entered the library, she was never too far away, so any joke Nick might have made would have reached her ears. And during dinner, the teachers' table had been right behind yours, conveniently.

"I'll be there in 5" you answered quickly, before putting the phone in the pocket of your shorts and smoothing your shirt again. You tied your hair in a messy bun and grabbed your purse. You didn't want to pay attention to the way your pulse was racing, or the voice in your head telling you that you were going on a date.

Because no, you were definitely not going on a date!

"Oh, are you ready?" asked a voice from the bathroom door.

For a moment you had forgotten about the other person in the room (well, not about her, but that she was there at the time). You turned to see your teacher leaning against the doorframe, in dark pants and a three-quarter-sleeve blouse. She looked so casual, so relaxed. It was a beautiful sight.

"Umm y-yeah" you stuttered "I'll wait for you downstairs. I'm going to the lobby with Nick" you explained

"Jadu?" Agatha frowned, quickly feeling a twinge of jealousy "Mister Jadu should already be in his room" she said.

"W-well, I'm sure he'll be soon, he just wanted to tell me something. Could be important" you said nervously.

It was strange how the woman could change her attitude so quickly. A few seconds ago she had been so relaxed, as if the two of you had been living together for a long time (you blushed at the thought. You did not live together!) And now, she was the living image of a beast about to attack.

"Fine" she said after looking at you for a few more moments "I'll catch up to you there"

You nodded quickly and left the room in a hurry. As much as you wanted to, now you couldn't turn a blind eye, you knew Nick was right. Harkness was acting weird.

____________

Agatha sighed when the door closed behind you. She mentally cursed herself for scaring you like this. She shouldn't be jealous of you, she shouldn't want to control what's going on around you, and she shouldn't want to be by your side for as long as possible.

Shouldn’t. It was a word that she had been repeating many times in the last three days.

"Maybe, I shouldn't have done all of this" she murmured.

The original plan was simple: take you to Salem, see you happy, go back, keep seeing you from afar through the hallways of the school, the end. But you had managed to complicate everything from the moment you were late, making her panic.

Then you had fallen asleep on her, making her feel nervous, you had managed to be sacrificed as an offering for her, sharing a room and making her doubt her own self-control, then you had gotten into her dreams, making her do things that she really didn't want to think about right now (there was no time for another trip to the bathroom, thank you very much) and now you were simply torturing her, rubbing in her face everything you could do with that little friend of yours that you couldn't do with her, making her feel terribly jealous of something that didn't even belong to her.

And still, she couldn't help but want to be close to you. She wasn't blind, she knew exactly how you felt about her, and even though she was still struggling with morality and shit, she also wanted to see where all of this took you both.

"Well, nowhere if I don't hurry up" she murmured, taking her purse and leaving the room.

___________

"Sooooo" Nick smiled at you, making you roll your eyes for the fifth time in the last five minutes.

"It’s not a date" you said for the third time "She will only take me to the antique store because it isn’t on the itinerary"

"How strange" he said sarcastically "I don't remember hearing her invitation ... Oh wait! She didn't invite us! She will only take her favorite student, with whom she shares a room, and from whom she hasn’t taken her eyes off, to a night walk through the city, so that you can visit a store that you wanted so much to go to. Yes, totally not a date" he rolled his eyes

See the full post

407 notes • Posted 2021-04-20 09:24:40 GMT

#2

Shopping Mall Loudspeaker: Attention, Wanda Maximoff! Please come to Security. Your girlfriend has been arrested!

Wanda: What the hell did Y/N do?!

Shopping Mall Loudspeaker: Attention, Wanda Maximoff! We have also arrested your older, evil, more scary girlfriend!

Wanda: What the hell did Agatha make Y/N do?!

449 notes • Posted 2021-03-26 00:24:39 GMT

#1

Must be the eyes (Teacher!Agatha x Fem!Student!Reader)

Here it is! first part of the TxS au! Let’s get this party started!

----

"And who exactly was the villain then, Miss Y/L/N?" You gnashed your teeth when your teacher looked at you behind the frame of her glasses, with her piercing, stupidly beautiful blue eyes and a raised eyebrow.

You flinched a bit from her gaze, but you refused to back down, you never had and you weren't going to start now, no matter how hot your cheeks got or how close this damn woman stood to you.

Agatha Harkness, Westview’s University history professor, terror of the first years and your crush since the first class you had with her. Her blue eyes had captivated you from the first moment, as had her slightly wavy hair and mocking smile. Her sarcastic and dry sense of humor was also something you loved, plus she was incredibly smart and not afraid to show it. Beautiful, smart and taught your favorite subject. Yup, you were completely under her spell.

But you hated it when she argued with you in front of the whole class, especially for things like this. It always made you feel so small and helpless, even if you didn’t show it on the outside.

She had asked your class for an essay on Greek myths, and you had chosen Medusa’s. Miss Harkness had said that you should express your views, with clear and concise arguments, which took you most of the week to investigate. But it seemed that you had not been clear enough.

Either that, or your teacher really hated you and enjoyed challenging you in front of your classmates, expecting you to break up and argue with her, so she could send you to detention. Well, you wouldn't let her win that easy.

You forced a smile and looked up. She was right in front of your chair, looking down at you as she waited for your answer.

"Athena and Poseidon" you said confidently "They are the villains"

"Interesting posture" she smiled, but it was a smile that reminded you of the cheshire cat "Although that doesn't take away the blame for the lives she took, does it?"

"It wasn't her fault either," you said, frowning.

"Oh it wasn’t?" she asked. You suppressed a gasp when she rested her hands on your table and leaned forward. You could feel her minty breath on your face "And whose fault was it, Miss Y/L/N?" she asked.

"Men’s" you gulped "Those who went to look for her"

"Explain" she ordered. Her eyes never once left your face.

"They went looking for her. They tried to kill her, what was she supposed to do? Let herself be killed? Besides, it wasn't her fault that Athena turned her into that, she didn't ask to turn people to stone" you said, crossing your arms and leaning toward back in your seat.

Anyone would think that your gesture was one of challenge, considering that your face was neutral and your eyebrow was raised slightly. But inside you were screaming and having a panic attack.

Agatha smirked in her head at your attitude. She wouldn't tell anyone even if she was under torture, but she loved having these little discussions with you. You were the only student brave enough to argue with her, and you were brilliant in the way you did.

On the other hand, you were also incredibly cute and she would lie if she said that she didn't like to make you blush, your eyes lit up a bit and the red on your cheeks really contrasted beautifully with your skin. She knew it was wrong, that as a teacher she shouldn't find any of her students attractive. But she couldn't help it, there was something about you that just fascinated her.

Most of her fellow teachers had already noticed the strange dynamic she had with you, but they took it as a simple student/teacher rivalry, stemming from the fact that you seemed like a history prodigy, which presented a vast battlefield for Agatha, it was no secret that the woman was competitive, after all.

The only one who seemed a little suspicious of what was really going on was Wanda, the literature teacher. She had been one of the best students in the university and had returned as a teacher 5 years ago and because their subjects shared a field of investigation, she and Agatha ended up spending more and more time together, until they became good friends. 

It was fun having someone to judge and gossip about both the staff and the student body. But that also meant having to endure the teasing of the younger woman every time you walked by Agatha.

Of course, she had scolded Wanda for even suggesting that she was attracted to you, a student, and the redhead had apologized, saying that she was only joking, but she wasn't sure how long it would be before her friend became suspicious again. Not that the history teacher was that subtle with the way she looked at you.

Still, Agatha Harkness had certain principles, and she knew that she couldn't flirt with you as long as you were her student, so she was content to make you blush and nervous when she was around you.

“She broke Athena’s rules” she said, almost growling.

“Poseidon raped her. That wasn't her fault” you growled back. You cursed yourself for being so passionate about this. Your classmates probably thought you were an idiot for fighting a teacher.

"You seem quite determined to defend the monster," she accused, frowning. She pushed herself off your bench and turned to the rest of the class, letting you breathe for a second. "Not many people would pay attention to Medusa, a hideous and dangerous creature. But she seems to have won Miss Y/L/N’s heart" she said, making your classmates laugh and you blushed again.

"It must be the eyes" you mumbled without thinking.

Your teacher looked at you for a moment before smirking. Fortunately, it seemed like she didn't have time to keep arguing with you. Blessed heavens for that. You heard the ring bell and sighed in relief, starting to pack your things.

See the full post

667 notes • Posted 2021-04-16 06:54:58 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[savagesbonergarage]

Nightsister OC pics and backstory ❤️

So I kinda got my Nightsister oc worked out today!

Meet Eilantha!

No makeup and with makeup since I like both. :) I know her outfit is Rey’s, but it turned out to be the one I liked best after going through all of them. This was so much fun to do! I’m on mobile rn so I don’t have a link, but search ‘rinmaru star wars avatar creator’ and it should be the first result.

The nightbrother is also an oc called Sever. He’s more bulky in my head and his tattoos are different and more brown than black, but whatevs. Also he looks more like a teenager here, which is NOT the vibe, lads. Mans is in his late 20's-early 30's. 👍

I know I’m sorta biased and all since she’s mine, but I’m in love with her? I’m not a huge fan of the Nightsisters and their misandry and general terrible-ness, but this girl is the exception. 💕 Learn more about her under the cut if you’d like. :)

She was born in 46BBY, making her around 27 in the final year of the clone wars. From the time she was a youngling it was clear that she had a natural affinity for magicks and spellcasting, which allowed her to participate in more advanced rituals and rites from an early age. This inevitably caused some contention among the sisters in her age group that felt this privilege was wasted on her, and therefore she had few friends during her time within the coven. She didn’t really mind, as she preferred to spend her days on her own anyway, learning as much as she could about whatever she fancied (usually spells that piqued her interest whose texts she discreetly snuck from within the cavern).

When she wasn’t studying, she loved music - writing, playing, and singing. It wasn’t anything like the typical malicious sounds of tribal chanting and drums you’d hear from within the grotto; not that she didn’t appreciate that also as she practiced it well, but her heart leaned toward a softer, more soothing genre of arias and melodies, bordering on lullabies based on her wanderlust, and, though she’d never admit it, her loneliness.

As she reached adulthood, she underwent the trials for her dark baptism as all Sisters did, which consisted of returning from a challenging hunt to add a token from her kill to the Water Of Life, and receiving her ichor tattoos that signified her coming-of-age before being ritualistically bathed in the ominous liquid which sanctioned her as an active member of the Nightsisters.

After this, I have two different routes (or however many, depending on who I’m shipping her with at the moment 😅 bc I ship her with everyone, no lie) that I like to take with her story. The first is expanded upon in the fic by @fallenrepublick here (still my favorite thing!) where she starts sneaking away into the nightbrother village and befriends Savage and Feral before they go through Asajj’s selection trails. This is the nicer, less-traumatic arc.

This next one gets really, really dark. I'm not going to post it all here bc honestly this post doesn't need all that angst, so I'll save that for later. Essentially, I like to think that Eilantha did at one time have a nightbrother of her own (Sever) that she actually loved, rather than treated as a slave. As you can imagine it doesn't end well, but we're not gonna get into that. We'll talk about how they meet. :)

Instead of sneaking away to the village, Eilantha is pressured into conducting her own selection trails by Mother Talzin. She doesn’t inherently have any reason to object, after all, she was taught that this is was simply the way of things. Part of her even looked forward to obtaining a manservant, whose loyalty would belong to her and her alone.

Perhaps he’d be a useful asset when it came to sneaking spelltomes to and from the vaults, and maybe he’d even be the only one staying by her side while she practiced her songs. What if he’d even appreciate them? Not that he’d have much of a choice, but the thought was comforting nonetheless.

From the moment she stepped foot in the village, all she could focus on was the feeling of the uneasy and fearful gazes of the men who undoubtedly knew more of what was to come than she did. She chose her roster at random, unsure of what she should have really been looking for or what she actually wanted from a servant. Even before the fighting, she knew deep down that she didn’t want to inflict any unnecessary harm on them…but why? From what she’d overheard at home, the violence was half the fun.

It wasn’t.

She evaded and blocked every blow with ease, yet avoided retaliating and taking the offensive in any manner that would prove fatal, causing the battle to go on far longer than anticipated to the point where Brother Viscus insisted that she take the next opening for the kill. With reluctance, the blade of her weapon collided with the ribs of the next brother to reveal himself a target. She watched in horror as the light faded from his hateful, reflective eyes, and she was nearly sick. She didn’t want to do it, but it had been done, and it couldn’t be undone. His body thudded against the ground and she screamed.

“Enough!”

The battlefield went silent, and as she came to her senses she attempted to save face.

“I’ll have none of them!”

Before Brother Viscus could interject with any alternative propositions, she was gone. She ran, fleeing as far away across the rocky terrain as she could. She didn’t cry; at least not until she was certain she was alone. She felt so pathetic - Nightbrothers were meant to be disposable, yet she couldn’t handle killing one. Her shame shifted into heartbreak, and she crouched low and wept for the death of the brother she’d just caused, as well as for all those who came before him. All the needless, thankless, mindless deaths of these men whose lives may not have mattered to the Sisters, but they mattered to someone.

As night fell, she trudged along the jagged landscape and thought of what explaination she’d give to Mother Talzin upon returning home. She had run in the opposite direction of where her speeder was stationed at the base of the village, so she had plenty of time to consider on the long journey back. She casually hummed a tune to herself in some meager attempt to self-soothe, which served to distract the shadow that had been trailing her for some time. The sound of a twig snapping in the rocks behind her alerted her to the presence and she confronted him.

"Are you lost?" she asked in a derogatory tone after he revealed himself.

"I'm not."

Of course not, this was his home, after all. She couldn't say the same for herself, however, she pressed him further.

"Then why are you following me? I never asked for an escort."

The amber-skinned nightbrother looked as though he were choosing his words carefully, though if his aim was self-preservation he'd done a terrible job of it.

"I saw you crying."

Eilantha was hit with a pang of embarrassment, though she feigned otherwise as her eyes met the ground.

"Well, you can forget what you saw. Now leave me alone."

She turned away, but the brother remained there in quiet contemplation before he spoke again.

"I've never seen a Sister cry. I've never seen a Sister feel."

Something about those words struck her directly in her heart. The confirmation that she was inherently considered to be a heartless monster in the view of these villagers hurt a little more than anticipated, though she had no right to refute it. No amount of apologies would ever remedy the divide that separated the Nightsisters from the Nightbrothers, regardless of how she felt. She clenched her fist as she turned to face him again.

“I said, leave me alone. Don’t make me-”

She actually choked on her words, unable to say the rest.

Don’t make me put you in your place.

Despite her partial warning, the nightbrother stepped closer. He grabbed the edge of his already tattered tunic and tore a piece of it off, inspecting it for cleanliness before holding it out to her. Eilantha froze, uncertain of what to make of this interaction.

“You aren’t done,” he explained.

She hadn’t realized that her hot tears continued pouring down her cheeks during her retort. She accepted the cloth with some reluctance, her dainty fingers lightly brushing against his as she took it and dabbed it against her wet face. He promptly turned and started walking away, as instructed. This strange...kindness, or rather, strange act of servitude via obligation perturbed the young witch, whose thoughts were now fixated solely on the zabrak male.

��Wait, Brother,” she implored.

He paused, resuming his attention to her after hearing the endearing use of “brother” from a Sister’s lips for the first time. She continued, an unusual softness in her tone.

“What is your name?”

“It’s Sever,” he revealed, “May I ask yours, Sister?”

She repeated his name in her mind, determined never to lose it.

“Eilantha.”

He did the same, only out loud. Gods, it was an enticing sound.

"Will you be returning?"

This was a question she wasn't prepared to receive, and one that she herself didn't fully know the answer to. Her reply was engineered from a concerned sigh.

"I'm not sure. It might be problematic returning to the coven empty-handed. I may come back, I may not. I don't know what the future holds."

Sever pursed his lips slightly.

"If you do find yourself here again, will you..."

He coughed into his fist and centered himself before continuing.

"Will you consider me?"

Her eyes shot up to meet his hopeful gaze, a golden yellow in the night. She had a hunch as to what he was alluding to, but a little clarification was needed.

"Consider you...?"

He swallowed, his countenance displaying concern that perhaps he was stepping too far out-of-bounds this time, but he wanted to know all the same.

"As your mate."

Eilantha clutched the piece of fabric in her hand. This man was offering himself to her. The images of all the nightbrothers staring her down when she first arrived with fear in their faces raced through her mind, revealing the dread the men felt when they were met with her kind, and yet this one was volunteering. She wasn't sure if she should be flattered or angry, as any other Sister likely would be at a savage that dared to seek special permissions. Of course, she wasn't like that.

Imagining him as her mate, however, was certainly...something. She thought of how she would discover just how much of him was tattooed and he would learn the same of her. She could claim him right then and there if she wanted, and he would be obliged to obey. It would solve her worries about returning home if she decided on a servant after all, although, her soul was unsteady. Though she was entitled to any male she desired, she couldn't allow herself to do it. Even though this man was offering, it would weigh on her conscience knowing that even a part of him would only be with her out of fear and obligation, rather than his own free will. This nightbrother wasn't free. None of them were.

"I'll consider it," she replied genuinely.

This news seemed to please him to some extent, a tiny smirk curling at the corner of his lip.

"I'll look forward to the possibility of serving you, Sister Eilantha."

She watched as he turned a final time and disappeared further into the darkness, leaving her alone with her busied mind.

The course was set for the Nightsister temple once she finally got to her speeder, servant-less. She looked over her shoulder to see multiple pairs of glowing golden eyes quizzically prying at her in the darkness, and she smiled before taking off.

It was a long journey home, and the entire trip her mind was occupied with thoughts of the intriguing zabrak male who saw her for what she truly was. She pulled out the tattered cloth from her pocket and pressed it against her chest as the wind rushed all around her before bringing it to her lips and kissing it.

It became her greatest treasure.

That is, until she finally had the real deal in her arms months later when the separation became too much to bear, and they arranged to meet in secret during their first rendezvous of many.

Sever, my treasure.

[filmnoirsbian]

I just wanted to say that I saved your latest poem about the hungry dogs and trauma and I've read it miltiple times a day since you posted it bc....I'm pretty sure I have some trauma memories that I've repressed like I've been reading about them and there are some signs...I guess I'm just wondering ehat inspired that poem? It really means a lot to me thanks for writing it.

Hi honey, I'm glad you liked it, or at least that it did something for you. 💘

As for the inspiration, this is obviously going to touch on some traumatic things so I'm putting it under a read more just in case

Recently i reread It, and started thinking about how pennywise could have been the perfect metaphor for childhood trauma and how it and the damage it's dealt never truly leaves us, no matter how far we run physically or mentally. Our minds may repress the memories altogether, but the trauma must actually be confronted in order to be healed. (I say could have been because i think his turning out to be just an evil extraterrestrial weakened the strength of the metaphor) So then i started thinking about what monster metaphor i would use to visualize childhood trauma and specifically the webs our minds craft to try and process it. And i thought about how in my neighborhood, when i was a kid, there really was a sand lot where a real pack of angry, starving dogs lived. These were not friendly strays. They were ex fighting ring dogs, turned loose after their owner was arrested. They attacked my best friend, and he needed stitches in his face. These dogs terrorized me and the other neighborhood kids for 2 summers before animal control finally rounded up the last of them. (We never saw them much from October to March, but May through September they prowled our block pretty consistently). Those dogs were a very real source of fear for us, one which we could physically point out and explain. A fear that was understandable. Oh, you're scared of a pack of angry, bloodthirsty dogs that keep chasing and trying to bite you? Who wouldn't be? 

But me and my friends also all had quieter, more private sources of fear and trauma which we almost never talked about. My best friend, the one who needed stitches, was watching his house devolve into a drug den as each of his family members fell farther into addiction. Christina's step grandpa was sexually abusing her. The leaders of the group home where Jamal lived were starving the kids that stayed there. Alfredo's dad was a raging drunk. And i was being physically and emotionally abused by my mom. Ultimately, all of these things traumatized us far more than the neighborhood dogs, but the dogs were something safe for us to focus on. The dogs became the scapegoats for all our fear.

Beyond just the idea of childhood trauma, I'm interested in trauma memories and the repression of traumatic events by young, still developing minds that simply aren't equipped to proecess what happened/is happening. So it convinces us that something else happened. That it wasn't that bad. That we just shouldn't think about it. 

It took me many years to even understand that my mother was abusing me. At first, i assumed it was a recent development. I thought she didn't really start in until i was a teenager, because that’s when she started leaving marks. But then, over time, more and more memories began to trickle in like a leaky faucet. I couldn't turn them off. I'd remember how i got the scar on my knee when i was too little to understand. I'd remember how i used to have panic attacks at my elementary school whenever i got on the bus to go home to her. I'd remember how i used to hide whenever i heard her coming, because i never knew if she'd be in one of her moods. These fragments began to form a larger, damning picture; i have no memory of a time when my mother was not abusive. A lifetime of evidence, and still it took me into adulthood to unravel.

Now, because i was introduced to abuse and trauma at a very young age, i also began to repress at a very young age. I became very good at it. Convincing myself it wasn't that bad. Convincing myself it wasn't anything at all. Not thinking about it, until eventually, I'd just forget it happened. I did this with my mother's abuse. I did this with other things too.

Recently, my mental faucet has begun to leak again. I'm not sure if i subconsciously did something to prod at it, or if this is simply my brain's way of declaring that I'm now emotionally stable enough to process the truth. I'm starting to remember something that I'd managed to bury so deep, that I'd genuinely convinced myself I'd made it up. But, no matter how good at repression you become, the body always remembers. The fear response remains intact. It's survival instinct. It's why i had panic attacks at the thought of going home, even when i was sure that home was fine. It's why i still jump at the sound of a key in the door, fighting back that initial response to go hide under my bed like a little girl. It's why, I'm now starting to understand, i feel nauseous every time i see slatted closet doors. I never knew why, before. I'd forgotten, but my body hadn't.

So: hungry dogs. The things our minds convince us to survive. The way we cause the gas lights to flicker ourselves, without realizing it. The memory of the body, outside the rest. Ultimately, i mean for this to be my October writing project. A group of children are terrorized by hungry dogs, which may or may not be real. Beyond each dog lays very real trauma, which may or may not be remembered and realized for what it is. And then the question we're always left with; how do we break the cycle? How do we heal?

I wish you the best 💝

[shvdowsdrowned]

I have 2 fucking posts about this in my drafts but fuck it, I'm gonna post it. I think I might be autistic but I literally cannot explain WHY I think this might be 😭😭 like,,,, the more I think about how I react to certain situations the more I'm like "hmmm that wasn't normal 🤔🤔" BUT I ONLY HAVE LIKE 2 OR 3 EXAMPLES BC I TRY NOT TO PUT MYSELF IN SITUATIONS IN GENERAL ALDHEOFJSOFJS

So like for example, during Thanksgiving we were sitting at the dining room table and I was feeling okay until my mom put the conversation on me and then as my cousin and I were talking I couldn't make ANY eye contact with him AND I WAS ON THE VERGE OF TEARS EVEN THOUGH WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT TATTOOS??? ALL HE ASKED WAS "would you ever consider getting one" and I felt like I was gonna burst into tears but I kept the conversation going and I was constantly avoiding his eyes the entire time 😭😭

Another example: when I was looking for my first job, every time we stopped in front of the store I would break down crying bc I didnt know how to handle this new situation and my mom thought it was just "first job anxiety" but it felt SO much worse than that??? I dont really know how to explain it but when I got home my dad yelled at me and made it worse so <3

Last example: I've always had a hard time talking on the phone (I have no idea what my issue is with that but I just CAN'T do it??) But my mom was like "you gotta make a grooming appointment for the dog" and all I said was "uh, no" aldhekdhs and then my parents and I had a talk about it and all I said was "I dont know what my problem is" and the conversation ended there. I'm aware that talking on the phone is no big deal but I feel like a fucking idiot every time and I freak out a lot beforehand

Anyways, I took the RAADS-R autism test and if you score over 65 you likely have autism,, I scored 101 out of 240 so <3

ANOTHER EXAMPLE BC I JUST REMEMBERED: When I got my cats they were the first animals that were mine and that I had to take care of and since my parents made it sound like I was taking care of a baby i cried the first night cause i couldn't handle the change and i thought i wasnt gonna be able to take care of them (everything is fine now but the first few days were rough). THEN when I got my dog I had a meltdown bc I was stressing my cats out a lot and I felt so bad for them but eventually I got over it but those first few nights were also really difficult (again everything is fine now) but I'm gonna take that as i cant handle a big change in my life (hence why I had a meltdown over getting a job aldjskfjskdj)

Okay last example for real aldjskfjskd when I get into a new media I cant focus on something else (in the beginning) it has to be all about that media. So when I got into ap//ex, the first year was all about that game, I literally could not put it down I felt like I HAD to play it every chance I got. My friend introduced me to mor//tal kom//bat when I was still into ap//ex and I just couldnt get into mk at all, I only played when she wanted to. THEN months after I bought mk, I picked it up again and I couldnt put it down for a few months, along with ap//ex so I had 2 games to focus on. Then mk fell out and ap//ex stayed and I went through that pattern a few times with a couple other games but I've been into ap//ex nonstop since I first picked it up. Now my 2 focuses are ap//ex and fn//af but based on the previous patterns, fn//af is gonna fall out at some point and ap//ex will be there to keep me company until I find another game. (Before I got into ap//ex over//watch was my fixation for a LONG time and I went through the same fuckin thing with that game as I do now. Before that?? Probably cod and before that, poke//mon I think??)

I'm aware this is called a hyper fixation but I dont like calling it that bc to me, hyper fixation means all you do is consume that media and go out of your way to know everything about that media but I dont think I'm that extreme?? Or is that called a special interest?? I dont think I have any of those unless ap//ex counts aldjskfjskdjs

I'm gonna save this post just in case I get lucky and end up getting a therapist <3

[ivyquinzel]

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

I broke my closet doors, so open

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

I don't think so

(3) Can You Whistle?

Not even a little bit

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

Renegade by Styx

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

Green

(6) Relationship Status.

Single

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

Too fucking hot

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

I woke up, couldn't see for a bit bc iron deficiency, and walked into a corner until I gave up trying to get out of it and sat down until I regained vision and was no longer dizzy. So no, but I did wake up dumb as shit.

(9) How Many Followers?

Idk, a little over 900

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Libra

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

Changes between more green, more hazel, more brown, and sometimes more blue. But in general, all of them

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

Anxiety medication and I should be taking iron but I don't

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

No, I have imaginary conversations or actual conversations (texting) in the shower

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

Dark Tower series by Stephen King

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

My books are all in boxes for moving (I have 10 boxes full of books excluding my encyclopedias) so no.

(16) Favourite Anime?

No idea, ask @crazyawkwardteenageotter or @kingjames7th for me, they're the reason I know anything about anime

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

Other than my books for being fucking sad, no idea

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

SHINY THINGS

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

Lasagna

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

How does one go about doing such a thing?

(21) Favourite Animal?

Rat

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

In Assassin's Creed Odyssey I won the Olympics, that's the closest I've ever been to watching them

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

Between midnight and five am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

No

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Pool, salt is itchy

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

Depends on my mood I guess

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

I couldn't care less

(28) What Makes You Happy?

Fictional Characters and my friends being happy

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

I have no idea what my emotions are right now, don't ask me to find a gif on them

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

It depends on whether I'm currently unable to focus without music or unable to focus with music

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Cats

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

Black, like my goddamn soul

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

Xbox

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

Lakes generally aren't as itchy, but in my expirence they're more likely to have alligators or venomous snakes so I'm gonna have to got with oceans

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

I have genuinely no idea

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

Black with the Danger Days album cover colours

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yep

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

Spend it

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Pink paint with my paints on my desk

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

Gravity Falls, Killjoys, MCR, and Supernatural

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

No, but they've landed on me

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

I don't know, I copy their mannerisms and speech if I'm around them long enough, including fictional

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

I don't dream alot but when I do they're really fucking weird dreams

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

Yes, absolutely, I do it multiple times a year and they're nice. Good food, surprisingly

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

What about a TV Show? Because Supernatural.

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Neither.

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

My Chemical Romance, with Pennywise coming in second.

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

I'm incredibly sensitive to textures so yeah

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

I don't know

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

Not enough, I'll go outside in rain with lightning because I like rain while everyone tells me I'm going to get struck by lightning

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

Yes

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Absolutely, my phone thinks I'm over 60 bc it was the only way to make it louder

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

I don't know. Pumpkins are fun for stabby stabby, presents are good for presise moods

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Land of the Free?

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

It's Florida. Our seasons are hot, hot, lovebug season and slightly less hot. Right now it's hot.

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

More lasagna

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed. I'll put it at the end

(58) What Is Your Gender?

Trans boy

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

Neither

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

Probably, but I decided to take a long weekend. My teachers are not aware of this.

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Bi

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

I carry my blanket around half the day so I can be cozy. It's a weighted blanket so it's kinda inconvenient, but I make it work.

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

The little fire lizard dude is rad

(64) Favourite Social Media?

Tumblr

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

Idk, they're cool ig. Good place to find random memes or fanarts

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

I get Oregon sick, I lived there as I child does that count?

(67) Are You A Virgin?

I sure hope so

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Idk, some colour safe shit

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Sleep in my car

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Yeah and I kinda wish my dad wasn't. I'm pretty sure his lost of insults is aost entirely things he doesn't know I am. Gay, tranny, autistic, anti trump idiot, you get the idea

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

Idk

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

I'm still friends with her

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now? See previous ask, it's a gandalf quote.

(74)  What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

I like all eye colours, eyes are pretty

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

I still enjoy singing and do it pretty much once a day

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Lasagna

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Smash hit and assassin's Creed identity

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

Yes?? What kind of question -

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

Not today but I have been

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

A couple people I used to know

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

No, they scare me

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

No

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed, I can't sleep with it open

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

Eat, sleep, play with my cats

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

Jeans, sweatpants, shorts, t shirts, pretty much anything tbh

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

I have facewash, some random eyeliner, black lipstick and mascara, and in case you were wondering the facewash tastes bad. If it gets in your mouth while washing your face it's fine, but if you mistake it for lotion when you and your friend decide to drink lotion it does not taste good

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Night

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

Most of the assassin's creed games, Minecraft, Forza and an old cod game

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

I don't feel like it, I would have to go into a bunch of description and I'm tired

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

Berry Fanta

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

Bubble Wrap and Cat Purrs

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

Like a gremlin with messy purple hair

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Music

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

Dragon

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

... Does my chemical romance count?

Answer all the ask questions, coward

Well shit okay, I'll reblog it with the answers once I answer them all