#but i could never justify buying cause i was like. i dont even know them at all

[maindancersungjin]

I wanted to buy a lucy album but it was out of stock so thats cool

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for accepting money/gifts from my mom?

(🦭🐟 to help find later)

Ok bear with me here because this is a serious question w/ some context even though the question doesn't seem bad.

My (19NB) mom (54F) is not a very good parent. Things were not great when I was a kid, to say the least. It's complicated to get into so I'm gonna glaze over most of it and say I plan to go low/no contact when I'm older and can afford to support myself on my own. For now I'm amicable since I need help while getting through college. This has been my plan for a WHILE but I've started to feel a little guilty?

My biggest issue with my mom is the way that she treats/treated my siblings. Sometimes she gets on my nerves but I know I have the privilege of being the youngest (and the favorite) therefore my parents don't pull the same kind of bullshit with me. For example one of my siblings had family therapy with her, and she would frequently not show up and leave them to do the exercises with the other families in the group session that they didn't know. She also complained about their suicide attempt. She talks down to my oldest sister because she couldn't pursue the medical career my parents wanted because she couldn't deal with the cadavers, and since she spent her whole education trying to reach their standards she's been lost trying to figure out what she wants for herself, and my parents keep harping on her for not having a career plan and being "useless". This is only the tip of the iceberg, and it's plenty enough for me to feel justified in my decision to eventually go no contact. I am not asking if AITA for cutting her off, that is not where the guilt is.

It's always been the case that instead of directly saying she was wrong my mom would spend a lot of money on us and buy gifts (usually stuff she likes and not what we like, but I figured out I could leverage her guilt to buy specific things bc free stuff ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ even if I don't forgive her). I think this is because she didn't have much money growing up so now she's a shopaholic now that she has the money to do so (both my parents are in the medical field so they are far from poor. abt upper middle class). She also keeps defending our uncle despite us bringing up how he's creepy and pervy and makes us uncomfortable, and she has some... interesting political takes (like defending the price of insulin being so high???)

My mom I think has been trying to be better but she still never apologizes for any of her actions and is guilt trippy by saying stuff abt how we all think shes a bad mom that caused all her kids to be depressed and suicidal. So its not enough of an improvement for me to forgive her, but I do notice that she walks away from situations sometimes rather than blow her fuse, and she's more tolerant of my ADHD and queerness than she used to be. And she's been trying to be more supportive of me and my decision to pursue an art career. I do believe that people can get better and change themselves, I just think in the case of my mom it's too little too late (and she hasn't improved her relationship with my siblings as much). I've also been polite and friendly since I'm still living with her.

So like, this combined with me accepting her gifts makes me think I'm leading her on? Like she thinks that she's salvaging a relationship with one of her kids and that I'll stay. And I feel a little bad about that. Like if it was JUST the gifts I would feel no guilt bc if she thinks she can bribe her way into our good graces without changing her behavior than shes gonna be down money and still have no kids. But shes trying to improve, albeit slowly and not when we needed her, but better nonetheless. So it feels less "this is the least she could do given the trauma" and more "i feel like i'm taking advantage of her".

One of my siblings refuses to accept her money on principle (they've already moved out) and it makes me think I should probably do the same, but also i dont know if I can since I don't have a job yet and I'm still in school, so maybe just refuse the gifts thing? But neither of my siblings seem to have an issue with my relationship with her, so maybe I shouldn't feel bad? She's treating me better so I feel I have less justification for using her wealth for my own benefit, even if I still don't forgive her for how she treated my siblings.

Basically, AITA for still accepting guilt money/gifts from my shitty mom despite planning on cutting her off later on?

What are these acronyms?

[maximuswolf]

I need better excuse and justification to get into coffee

I need better excuse and justification to get into coffee Hello. In short, I need help to justify my next purchase for coffee stuffs that might seem a little too much for those who don't appreciate coffee.Let me elaborate by telling about myself. I'm a 30+ man from south east asia. So far I have been into countless hobbies, which i've spent considerable amount of money, effort, and time either learning or socializing. I'm living with my partner. We do care about each other, that's why she don't want me to recklessly spend tons of resource for something i wouldnt care much about in just several years or even months. And i do agree with her, as im getting older i cant just spend my life on something i only like just for a while.As for coffee, i'm pretty sure i won't get into the rabbit hole. Coffee would never be a hobby to me. It's just something basic that i like. Almost like basic necessity. If i must compare, perhaps coffee is like shoes, or TV. I don't need to delve in it or have the best thing like $2,000 shoes for every occassion or 100" OLED 144Hz TV. Having decent thing that works should be enough for me. I just recently figured out how good coffee could be, and would love to be able to drink coffee the next time i wan't it. Seems not too much right?Here are the list of next purchase that i thought are basic and humble enough to be in my kitchen for years ahead:- basic aeropress. we could bring them along when traveling or hiking. not taking a lot of space. unbreakable and lightweight. i could buy them for around 40 USD here but i guess i have to wait until my birthday since she might not know what else to get me as present cause i already have everything i want. i've also looked at aeropress accessories, and seems nothing caught my heart yet.- basic stove top gooseneck kettle around 3-8 USD. that's bottom cheap and irreplacable for making decent coffee right?- timemore C2 at 37 USD. i'm not even going for the C3 or other better grinder. i thought if i'm going to brew for the rest of my life, then i might as well buy a hand grinder that supports sensible grind adjustment, decent enough grind uniformity, could last for years, and replacable burr. still more practical than table top electric grinder i suppose.- cheap coffee scale under 10 USD. i'm familiar with kitchen scale, heck i love them and use them whenever i can. but whats annoying about making coffee on my kitchen scale is that sometimes they dont register changes when i pour beans, and sometimes they turn off by themselves. i am bless with great memory and math logic, but for under 10 USD to serve me years of practicality im not asking for much right? coffee scale doesnt take much space either.It might be just me, but as a guy who tends to get into taking up lots of hobbies i have a hunch that she could bring up my home brewing activities into later argument in despise. I got pre hipertension as well, from insomnia and vaping. I have thrown away lots of my belongings, as our place are somewhat cramped. Currently we only have stuffs that we use and hobbies stuffs that we're only currently into and are going to do for the rest of our lives. That's why i'm trying my best to not cram coffee stuffs into the kitchen, keeping them the most basic and as small as possible.Now as a beginner, I humbly ask for opinions regarding my next purchase for home brewing. Are there cheaper or smaller alternatives that's not priced somewhere beyond acceptance for non coffee lovers? How to reassure myself and my partner that these are basic enough, could last years, and not an insane purchase? For everyone responding or even just reading my plead here, i thank you very much. Submitted March 15, 2023 at 09:31PM by yakudayamitsubishi https://ift.tt/jY0PMHe via /r/Coffee

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

#unnecessary main post addition but i gotta fight u in the tags

dragging you into the parking lot bc my tedtalk got too long for the tags sorry

#cus you said the master would be so good at all the spying stuff and the doctor crap #nah nah nah nah nah i’m not having that #have you experienced seven??? #the master going by the moniker m. aster???

nah i see where youre coming from, but also no, influenced by my watching 5 seasons of two spies living entire fake-real lives with real children and real jobs and fake-real relationships and patience and procedures and backup procedures and aborting the mission because maybe we're being followed and five thousand precautions for every little thing the mETICULOUSNESS. the disguises. the exhaustive attention to detail. the focus on the big picture, the big utopian promise in the distance. doing incredibly painful things now because of the belief it will eventually pay off

mr john "call me the doctor" smith cant do that (i'll admit the master's anagrams are not much better but bear with me) the doctor cant live a fake-real life. the master has lived many.

the only thing, the only thing where it breaks is the faith that is essential to the whole thing. because you'd say the doctor has the stronger faith right? what does the master believe in?

but i dont think the doctor believes in ends justifying means. i think they know that never works, that never leads to good things. and i dont think mr "look at us, suki! two brilliant scientists! we can fix this" could ever be seduced by the lie of "if we get rid of the Bad Guys the world will be Good"

i dont think the master believes in it either, either of those things, not like philosophically, but what the master can do is delay gratification. and when you dont really have a Cause but you Do have patient self-interest then it kinda ends up looking similar.

neither the doctor nor the master would be spies you want to have in your organisation because theyre untrustworthy. theyre not devoted enough. there is not a cause you will get them committed to for any extended period of time i think. i mean, they got indoctrinated enough on gallifrey and still became renegades right? the doctor was in division and fled, the master we assume was too?

#the doctor deliberately trains themselves to be good noodle #innocent as a child #think the best etc. #but as we see with 13 #when they want to act in their ‘worst’ nature they’re unmatched #the master is a good spy trying to be better #the doctor is an incredible spy trying their hardest not to be

irrelevant! irrelevant to whether they'd be a good spy. spy =/= bad (i mean depends on your moral stances i suppose but to me, again, influenced by 5 season the americans as my main source of my understanding of spies (which i get that it probably doesnt work like that - i looked up some of the terms they use in the show, directorate s, illegals program, and turned out there were some spies like the ones in the show arrested in 2010 and they werent even charged with espionage bc they didnt manage to get any useful information. youre gonna live a whole fake life and you dont even spy good can you imagine? anyway the show came out in 2013 so i was like oh this happened and then they probably used that idea and set it back 30 years to the cold war for extra stakes and that seems to be exactly what the writer did. anyway point is. i know it's fake but it's my only reference so im imagining the doctor and the master in a specifically americans type of situation))

i'll give you that the master is a good spy trying to be better. i do Not buy the doctor being better. they'd lose their mind. weeks, months, years of developing relationships with people to get what you want from them. inhabiting a fake identity. having to "make it real" in some way like philip says. fake identities that are also real but also carefully crafted to be precision tools. absolutely not. i cant see the doctor do it. "the man who won the time war" you want as a player in your hot war, not your cold war. theyre a strategist, not a spy.

the master on the other hand i think you want in a war that is hiding itself, that is pretending not to be happening (i could even push this further and say koschei "my chosen name is a misdirection" oakdown would actually rather be in a position to get orders whereas the doctor wants (and wants not to want) to be the one giving the orders. but at this point im just saying stuff)

thanks for coming to my ted talk i told you Lots of spy thoughts

adore when they get like just one or two random other spies to help in a mission or something and they know absolutely nothing about each other except we're working for the same side. like when they get this guy to pretend to be a pastor to calm down pastor tim and afterwards they get in the car and they watch this guy leave and elizabeth is like "do you think hes really a priest". or when philip walks out of that shop and theres two spies he hasnt seen before or since pretending to be trying to find the way with a map on their car and hes just like need some help and they tell him some code words and a meeting point or whatever and they leave and never see each other again

like. idk. it's so funny like 13 voice rule 1 of spying trust noone but like. theres sooo much trust in this job it's nuts. and it's all so, like, procedurised. theres endless procedures and backup procedures to try and like, make it all work like a machine and try to eliminate the human error in a job thats only and entirely built on connections between humans. it's admirable and endearing and kind of incredible like aside from whatever theyre doing it for, the CauseTM is an entirely different post that i havent posted but like. just as an achievement, an expression of human as social animal, it's amazing

[quietmyfearswith]

when you’re insecure ; preferences

warnings — body/weight insecurities, swear words, mentions of death, bit of angst??? bit of fluff???

characters — andy barber, steve rogers, ransom drysdale, jake jensen, bucky barnes, lance tucker, carter baizen, syverson, will shaw, august walker

a/n — so i read @gotnofucks’ drabble about how certain characters would react when the reader calls herself ugly and was inspired to write something similar to that ❤️ dont forget that you guys are beautiful and worth it!

their love language | with their little

masterlist

The utensils hitting the dishes was the only sound heard as Y/N and Andy ate in silence. The latter stealing glances at the girl; for he felt that there was something wrong. “I’m done eating,” Y/N declared, as she placed her hands under her chin and looked at Andy. Midbite, the lawyer had to pause and worriedly looked at her, “What’s wrong, honey?” Even though Y/N had an idea of what he wanted to know, she shrugged as she convinced him, “Nothing’s wrong.” Swallowing down his food, he was able to talk to her , “Honey, I know you well enough to know that there’s something going on in that beautiful mind of yours and a reason as to why you ate quickly.”

Feeling his warm hand grab onto hers, it was his silent way of coaxing her into confiding in him; that he was more than willing to listen to what she had to say. Taking a deep breath, she unconsciously found her hand squeezing Andy’s — as if finding the courage to say what’s bothering her. “I just don’t feel good,” she admitted, and before Andy could further pry for information she continued, “Like I’m gaining weight and it’s making me look ugly?” Shoulders sagging, Y/N sound defeated as she dismissed her own revelation, “It’s stupid I know, but you didn’t need to hear that.” Disagreeing with what she said, Andy rapidly shook his head, “It’s not stupid if it’s disappointing you,” Y/N could only offer a small smile with what he said, “If you feel as if the changes happening to your body are making you ugly, then I’m not doing my job to make you feel confident and beautiful.” She wanted to protest and say that there was nothing Andy could do to remedy the situation; but she knew better than to interrupt him when he was using his “lawyer” voice and reasoning. Lifting her hand up, he planted a kiss on her knuckles as he comforted her, “You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I’ll do everything in my power to make you feel and see it.  You may not like the changes you see, but I think it just makes you even more breathtaking.”

“It was absolutely crazy to see how Ilsa was more than willing to jump out of the chopper even though she knew her parachute was faulty,” August laughed out loudly upon recalling the events of the mission he’s just been to. They both were sitting on the couch, a glass of wine rested on Y/N’s hand while the other curled itself in August’s toned arm. Gulping down his beer, he shook his head as he once more at the recollection of what happened; upon seeing how the memory had such a positive impact on him, there were two thoughts lingering in her mind. The first one was that it was great to see August relaxed and happy. However, the envious part in her considered that perhaps she couldn’t always provide him with this joy — perhaps Ilsa could? “She really seems like a real package then huh?” Turning his head to her, August chuckled a bit even though the comment made him wonder with what she meant, “Yeah I guess you can say that.”

“Do you see you see yourself with someone like her?” If his confusion was just at the down low, August’s confusion could now be visibly translated through his furrowed eyebrows and shocked face, “What?” The simple question was just the surface of a web of follow-up questions he had, but he figured the time he spent with Y/N made her understand that he had a lot of questions that needed to be answered; and she did know what the simple question meant. “It’s just you seem so fascinated with Ilsa, so maybe she’s someone you want to settle down with. Someone who'll always make you feel excited and happy, I guess.” The beer bottle he was holding was placed down on the coffee table as he turned to her. “I don’t know how you came up with this analogy, but the only one I really see myself settling down with is you.” Y/N gasped out at his confession, her eyes were glossy as she felt overwhelmingly touched. “You think so, August?” Kissing her deeply, he spoke as his lips were against hers, “In this chaotic world I live in, you’re the only thing that keeps me sane and your love is something I surely do not deserve, but I’ll kill every bad guy if it meant I’d be worthy of it.”

“What’s this sticky thing?” Bucky groaned in disgust at the gooey and slimy thing he touched as he was stroking the stomach skin underneath Y/N’s shirt. They both were watching a show they got hooked on, and the super soldier just loved feeling her skin any chance he got. “It’s a new cream I got,” Y/N informed him as she giggled at his disgusted expression; he suddenly thought it was a good idea to smell the foreign substance and was disappointed to find out it wasn’t the most alluring fragrance. “Why did you put that disgusting cream in your body?” The question seemed to disappoint Y/N as she moved slightly away from him and fiddled with her fingers. “Just felt like I should put some cream on my stomach,” Her explanation had Bucky even more confused than he previously was.

“Can you explain more, doll?” Upon saying this Y/N felt uncomfortable to open up what has been bothering her; but when she looked at Bucky he had this worried and soft look that made her do so anyway. “I’m just insecure about the stretch marks that I have there — so I thought why not buy a cream that removes it.” Bucky’s initial instinct was to hold his girlfriend close as he whispered, “I understand why you felt the need to do so love, I mean that’s how I felt for a long time with my scars,” As he mentioned that, he could feel Y/N nodding as she recalled instances where she caught him staring in the mirror with disgust at his wounds, “But what’d you do? You kissed them and reassured me how they’re a part of me; and that I’m not really as ugly as I make myself out to be.” Kneeling on the floor, Bucky raised her shirt and wiped off the lotion she had rubbed on herself, and began placing kisses on it, “You’ve reassured me multiple times on my scars, now it’s my turn to do the same for you.”

“Damn Raiman is one badass chick,” Jensen whistled as he and Y/N were watching Black Mirror. As the said character was currently hellbent on getting the mission done, Y/N couldn’t feel uneasy with his comment. She knew about how initially her boyfriend had been attracted to Aisha; though she remains good friends with her, she still couldn’t help but compare herself with her boyfriend’s former crush. Turning her head to him, she could see how he was clearly enamored with the female soldier. But upon feeling her stare at him, Jensen looked at her and smiled, “What are you looking at huh?” Despite his teasing, Y/N couldn't find it in herself to reciprocate and continue the light-hearted banter. “You have a type, do you know that?”

The skin in Jensen;s forehead wrinkled in confusion, “A type?” Y/N nodded as she further explained, “You like women in the army, or at least those who aren’t afraid to go on dangerous missions.” Despite her explanation, it still did not satisfy the tech genius as he asked, “What?” She pointed to the screen where Raiman was currently shown on screen, “You like her and you were attracted to Aisha; so it really makes me think why you like me.” Finally putting the pieces together, Jensen could only chuckle at her analogy — not making Y/N feel better. After calming down, Jensen wrapped an arm around his girlfriend and kissed her forehead, “You have nothing to worry about, babe. I only liked Aisha because she was the first girl I talked to for a while; a shit excuse but yeah that’s really it. Raiman might be a badass but she sure lacks empathy. And I’m with you because you make me feel safe, loved, and appreciated. In fact you’re exactly my type.”

Y/N and Sy had just finished eating but they haven’t left the dinner table yet as they both were engrossed in conversation which was made even more delightful as they sipped on some wine. “So what, you’d be willing to lay down your life when you were in duty?” Y/N knew how dedicated her boyfriend was; the medals hanging on their wall were evidence of it. Nodding, he first took a gulp of his drink before justifying, “What better way to go than by defending your country, I guess.” Placing her chin on her hand she then pried more, “But wouldn’t you rather stay alive and continue fighting for your country?” The former soldier couldn't help but let out an amused chuckle; he didn’t know why his girlfriend had this sudden interest in his purpose or motivation when he was in the army. “Fair point, but I don’t know I just wanted to go all out.”

Though his justification was incomplete, it gave her all the confirmation she needed that he was this man of so much dedication and love for his country he was more than willing to give his all. “I feel like I don’t deserve you,” She found herself sighing to him adoringly, which caused him to look at her as if she had told him unbelievable news. “What?” Was the only thing he could mutter because he never thought of that way and he always thought that it was him who didn’t deserve her due to what he’s seen and done. “I don’t know I just feel like you’re this incredible person who’s selfless and passionate. Seeing what you achieved in the army makes me feel so small when I’m next to you,” Y/N didn’t expect that she was able to confess this to her boyfriend as she feared he might dismiss her. But Sy was awed with how highly she thinks of him considering he frequently doubts himself. “I don't know how you were able to come up with that idea, but I can tell you that you do deserve me. You loved a man who is scared and someone who’s seen unspeakable horrors, yet decided that I was worthy of your love and affection. And honestly? I think your existence served as my guardian angel during my time on active duty.”

“Angel, I’m home!” Lance announced as he shut and locked the door behind him, “Folding in the laundry!” Upon hearing where she was he then walked to where she was, seeing how she was folding clothes and pressed a kiss on his girlfriend’s forehead. “How was the training session?” Lance helped Y/N and grabbed folded clothes as they both made their way onto their bedroom. “It went great! Crystal did well in her flips and splits today,” As Lance went on about how their training session went well, Y/N could feel herself start to go down the spiral of insecurity. Unsure if she was able to mask it well, opted to nod along in silence. “Plus, her dance outfit came in today and it looks stunning! And it really looked good on her when she tried it on,” That remark of Lance’s was the final straw for Y/N as she walked out of their bedroom and moved to their ensuite bathroom.

Shocked by her sudden display of disinterest at their conversation, Lance followed her and waited after she was done splashing water on her face. “Are you alright, love? I’m sorry I got all excited about what happened today; what was your day like?” Instead of filling him in with what the day looked like for her, she dwelled on what he was rambling on, “Can’t blame you, sure seemed like you had the best day.” The gold medallist recognized that tone and choice of words and he called her out on it as he grabbed both her hands and turned her to face him, “Love, I know that what you said is sarcastic based on your tone and words; because if you haven’t noticed that’s how I converse with Hope,” Lance took it as a good sign that she chuckled which encouraged him to go on, “So I need you to tell me what’s bothering my beloved.” Her eyes looked at his, hoping that there was some other way she could tell it to him. But with his hands gently fondling hers, he somehow managed to coax her into speaking, “I just feel like it doesn’t matter what Crystal does but you’ll always be amazed with her. And it’s not just like today that you talk about her with so much admiration,” Despite feeling better since she voiced out her side, Y/N still felt silly about what she opened up about; Lance however found it helpful that she opened up about it. Pulling her into a tight hug, the gymnast rubbed her back comfortingly, “I’m so sorry for everything I did to make you feel that way. I promise to only speak highly of you and not any other girl out there.”

“Can I help you with anything, Steve?” Y/N wondered as she walked in on the Captain’s office area in their home. Peeking his head up from the computer and paperwork he had, “Not unless you can help me decipher these messages of HYDRA officials?” He groaned out in frustration which made Y/N chuckle and shake her head, “I’m sorry I don’t think I’m smart enough for those.” Just before she walked away to grab him another cup of coffee she heard him mumble out, “What’s new? No one really knows this shit.” As she was heating the beverage, she tried to convince her not to be so offended with what he said. That it was probably the result of stress and dissatisfaction from the lack of progress talking. But she knew that hit close to him since it was something that she had always been insecure about. Pouring the hot liquid on a mug, she then walked back to where Steve was and give it to him.

“Here you go,” She placed the mug on his desk and was about to walk away when she felt her hand be pulled back. “Why don’t you come here and stay with me for a while?” She didn’t even have time to answer as the super soldier already was maneuvering her so she could sit on his lap. “I don’t know, maybe it would be better if you go do that smart thing you were attending to,” Steve was able to pick up that there was something off about what she said. “Is there a reason you’re speaking to me that way, darling?” And as Y/N shrugged her shoulders, the Captain had all the confirmation he needed to come to the conclusion that there was a reason for why she was acting this way. “I just feel like, I’m not smart enough to be with you,” Upon meeting Steve’s bewildered look, she then took it upon herself to explain more, “I’ll never be able to help you out with these missions and reports; so why are you settling for me and not someone who’s real knowledgeable about all this,” She ended her explanation by pointing at the the different documents Steve had laid out in his desk. Kissing her temple, Steve hugged Y/N tightly as if he wanted her to know that he didn’t have those doubts. “I don’t think that you’re not smart; just because you don’t know a whole lot about these doesn’t erase the fact about how incredibly intelligent you are about your field of work. And so what if you’re not knowledgeable about HYDRA? It’s better because you’re not tainted by the malicious acts they did. Being with you is not me settling; in fact, it’s me finally finding something I searched for and needed.”

“Thank you so much, Melanie,” Y/N heard Will thank his assistant when she entered his office. As the aforementioned worker said it was no big deal as she exited the room to give the two privacy, Y/N announced, “I can come back later, bub, if you’re busy.” But her boyfriend shook his head as placed the files he was handed down on his desk, “Nonsense, come over here! I missed you.” And as they both shared a hug, they hugged tightly as if they were trying to explain how much they loathed having to spend time away from each other. “Brought you some lunch,” She placed the paper bag on his desk, careful not to stain any of his documents. “You shouldn’t have! I was just about to ask Melanie to grab some for us.”

Maybe it was the way her act of getting him food was easily dismissed; but the fact that he thought of relying more on his assistant ticked Y/N off. Standing up from the chair’s arm she was sitting on, her reply of, “Sounds like you don’t need me then,” had sass in it. The businessman however speculated that something was up. “You’re not leaving until you tell me what brought about this change of mood,” He pointed out her body as if the problem was something that could be seen. Y/N rolled her eyes to which her boyfriend tsked at; a way of telling her that there was no way they weren’t resolving it right now. “I just feel like you’re placing such a high regard or like you’d rather Melanie do things for you,” She sighed as she crossed her arms. Sighing as well, Will smacked himself internally for making his girl feel this way. Standing up from where he was seated, he pulled her in for a half hug which gave him the opportunity to look at her as he reassured her, “I don’t place Melanie in such a high pedestal, okay? It’s just I’m used to her assisting me for work and I’d rather put her through all the hassle instead of you. But you do me the greatest and biggest favor of all — you put up with my shit, look after me when you know I neglect myself, and love me unconditionally.”

When Carter told Y/N that they needed to go to this gala, he took it upon himself to take a day off to go shopping. The latter always claimed how the former went overboard when buying her an outfit and accessories. Less than a day prior to the gala, Y/N shocked Carter when she let it slip how she had no plans of attending the said event. “What? Why not?” The CEO panicked as he turned to face her. Wiggling in her seat, Y/N countered, “Well why do I need to go in the first place?”  Sighing, Carter wrapped his arms around his girlfriend, prompting her to lay her head on his chest, “Because it’s a celebration of the company’s accomplishment and I would really love for my inspiration and the love of my life to be there to celebrate it with me.” With his explanation, Y/N couldn’t really find a rebuttal to it, and he could sense that she had no answer so he inquired, “Why do you not want to go, love?” 

Tucking her head under his chin, Y/N then decided to unveil her reason, “I have nothing to wear.” Flabbergasted with that, Carter couldn’t help but ask, “What? Didn’t we go out shopping last week? Do you wanna go right now?” Y/N calmed Carter who was already making his way to stand up so he could get ready to go out. “It’s not that I don’t actually have clothes to wear; I do but,” She trailed off, not knowing how to properly say it. “But?” Carter wondered, and Y/n decided to just say it bluntly, “Nothing looks good on me.” Disbelief with just he heard, he looked at her as if he was expecting she would claim it was a joke; but upon seeing how she didn’t take back what she said, he then understood that she was indeed serious, “What do you mean nothing looks good on you?” Y/N then bit her lip nervously, Carter then pulled her lip and gently coaxed her to explain. “I was trying on the clothes we bought, and just nothing looked good on me. I mean, they’re pretty dresses so I figured maybe it was me who’s the problem. Like I can’t give justice to the dress.” Baffled with what she was saying, Carter put both his hands on her cheeks, making Y/N face his serious face, “Baby, that’s got to be the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard; and I went to a private highschool full of privileged fucks. I think what you really mean is that all the dresses we bought don’t compliment your assets properly,” Seeing her shrug nonchalantly signified how he was getting through her, “And honestly? You can come up to the gala in just your pajamas and still look drop dead gorgeous.”

“Is there any way I can not go on Sunday?” Y/N ‘s small voice was barely above a whisper, but it didn’t fly past Ransom’s keen ear. Looking up from his phone, he looked down from where she laid on his lap, her eyes looking hopeful. “Why don’t you want to go?” This wasn’t the first time he brought her over to Harlan’s home and dined with his family. Granted, she was risking going inside a lion’s den and being devoured by the predators. “Because your family’s gonna be there and we both know how disastrous these gatherings can be,” Though she made a point, both the trust fund son and his girlfriend knew that was a lame excuse to forfeit from the gathering. “Baby, you and I both know you handle these gatherings well;  remember what happened when you told Walt off?”

Upon bringing up the instance where Walt had made an off-handed and misogynistic comment to which didn’t sit well with Y/N, resulting in her lecturing him about why his statement was problematic, the girl could only scrunch her face up. “It’s because of that I don’t want to go,” she mumbled quietly. But if there was one thing Ransom learned and developed after dating her for so long, it was to listen carefully to every sound she made for it all meant something. “I may not have heard what you said clearly, but I know that you said something. So better speak up, princess and tell me what it is about this Sunday’s dinner that makes you not want to go.” Y/N knew there was no way they could drop this subject since Ransom had set his phone down and looked at her seriously. She then covered her eyes with her hands as she confessed, “I just heard about Walt and Linda talk about how they never wanted someone like me for you.” With that revelation, Ransom round himself agitated and infuriated with how his family members had the balls to comment on his love life that made him very much happy. Letting the back of his knuckles caress her cheek he consoled her, “Just so you know, my family can eat shit for thinking that they can give nasty and irrelevant comments about what makes me happy. You make me happy and love me despite my spoiled ass. If anything it’s me who doesn’t deserve to be with someone as amazing as you are.”

[trashcatsnark]

Hard agree on you about CDPR's characterization of Johnny. It's not only that he doesn't show up as often as he should, and that his lines are a bit wonky sometimes (side gigs mostly), but they also kinda made him more of an asshole than he actually is? Like, they made Rogue say that he cheated on her. Three times. That is not in the actual lore. Why did they add that??? In the actual story they even share a sweet moment with him saying she's the best and calling her by her actual name.

Part 2 For Context: Another thing to add to my post, TTRPG Johnny also buys entire warehouses and converts them into living spaces for homeless artists and such. He does free concerts to expose NCPD brutality. The guy even felt bad in 2013, when he made the people rally against Arasaka bc he didn't want any of them to die. Like, he's a shit, but he's actually a very decent man too. I guess 2077 Johnny is just an engram and not the real one, but still, could've done better with his writing.

I'm trying to think carefully of how I wanna word this. Because I know when discussing problematic character behaviors, its a slippery slope at times. So, I wanna preface by saying, I am by no means justifying his actions by any means.

However, my issues with his characterization have less to do with me wanting him to be nicer and/or closer to his TTRPG counterpart. I'm not someone who was heavy into the TTRPG, I never played, I've just done some cursory research into it out of curiosity after playing the video game. Mostly out of curiousity of what still could or would fit into the video game. I've talked a bit of how I think the Silverhand Studio warehouses could fit as a project he tried when he was younger that failed. And I could easily see the police brutality awareness concerts still being something samurai did, cause Johnny in cyberpunk 2077 still cares about and is passionate about those issues; but he's a giant fucking asshole disaster who treats people like shit. At least thats how I see him.

And like, again, not justifying his actions but from a character and narrative standpoint. I like the decision to make him an asshole. Because to me, personally, his growth and redemption is the best part of the game. Like, obviously I love a lot of other things in the game and it has value beyond that. But to me his redemption and changing is so critical to the plot. That if he was just good guy johnny who is still good guy johnny by the end, it would take a lot away from the game to me. Which may or may not be fucked up that I prefer an asshole who becomes nicer than nice man who stays nice. But a journey is more interesting than a sit, ya know?

But my issues are generally; at times inconsistencies, consequences for his assholery, and just wish we saw more.

Ive talked somewhat about how he can be inconsistent in his development between main quests and side quests. He can be very erratic, which that also is probably just part of his character rather than an inconsistency. But those things can make it hard to understand him and can feel odd. But that also can just come from sidemissions being mostly nonlinear. In my ideal world where cdpr gave themselves more time; i would have liked if side quest/gig dialogue changed based on Johnny and V's relationship, the same way it does in the quests with kerry and in the endings/embers. Like if he do a gig with 0 affection, he may not show up or be a dick. But if you do that same gig with 70% he for sure shows and is more concerned for V. Like just that little level of consistency. Which i know it'd require more time and getting keanu back in the booth but, it'd have been nice.

Ive talked at length before about how I wish Johnny faced some more consequences for being a dickhead, so I wont bore anyone with more of that.

As far as the Rogue stuff you mentioned, that kind of goes into my issue of wishing we'd seen more. Cause V is suppose to have Johnny's memories lurking around their skull but we only see 2 memories??? Rogue says at the date: "lets go back in time before i knew what a bastard you were" there was a time when he was at least on some level decent. I refuse to believe he managed to convince Rogue and Alt to date him, being an asshole out the gate. There had to have been softer moments. But we the player dont get to see them. We only see the worst of Johnny in the past, despite supposedly having all his memories as V.

Like Johnny who cheated on Rogue and the Johnny who was soft with her and called her by her real name: very much can be the same guy and both having happened. Johnny getting attached and that scaring him so be does dumb shit and destroys everything. Johnny having genuine feelings but being unwilling to embrace them fully. Johnny giving breadcrumbs of affection to keep people around then snapping and doing something devastating when he worries they've gotten too close. Then regret it and give another breadcrumb of affection because he does feel that affection, he cares, but hes fucked in the head. Intentionally or not, stringing the people who care about him along. He's whiplash and a whirlwind. And that all makes sense and fits his in video game character to me, because hes meant to be a toxic asshole who really does care but has to get his shit together big time. But we dont see the nicer moments enough, we dont see what drew Rogue, Kerry, and Alt into his life. We dont see enough of those moments in my opinion. The closest is, when alt dies, if you choose the nice goodbye to kerry, and the way he tried to smooth things over with alt in the alley way before she was kidnapped, oh and the little hand hold. You get really brief moments but you mostly just see the assholery. It would have been nice to see how he met the people who mattered to him, seen more of his good, more of that charisma he claimed to have. In general, I would have liked more exploration of his character and his relationships

[legionofpotatoes]

alright here’s ma thoughts on that flick I mentioned

we hatewatched a*my of the dead because we were CONVINCED “zombies in las vegas” would be an impossible concept to screw up, but in so assuming we obviously invoked a holy wager with the universe and got reminded, once again, that hoping for improvement from someone who’s dependably put out bad art is never a wise choice 😐

but we were honestly kinda roped in by the marketing??? and expected a goofy fast-paced flick with the odd traditional undead metaphor thrown in, framing some sort of relationship drama maybe or hell even nothing at all! we’d have taken pure indulgent storytelling, idk italian job with zombies in las vegas, I don’t know fucking anything but??? whatever this was???? spoilers below for it is time for One Of My Rants

I mean the main reason I really want to write all this and complain. this film here probably has the most unappealing cinematography I have ever experienced in my life and that is saying something. who the fuck signed off on that CONSTANT shallow-ass depth of field that imprisons your eyeline and turns every shot into bokeh paste???? and I mean every shot almost!!!! I promise if you think I am overreacting just throw a dart at the seek bar and watch twenty seconds from wherever it lands. it is horrifying to look at. at least it gave my girlfriend a good visual shorthand for what it’s like when I lose my glasses

why was sean spicer in this movie. did they pay him to be here. was sean spicer paid hollywood money for his scene in this film because fuck everyone who was involved in that decision

the legitimately baffling hints at the extraterrestrial origins of the infection that went absolutely nowhere and had no dramatic or plot-level bearing. we love to see the franchise sprouts fellas

yet another big budget waste of everything hiroyuki sanada has to offer. and bautista too I guess? I like him but man was this an odd career move

what was the crux of his conflict/resolution with his daughter btw. I understand it was rooted in miscommunication over their forms of grief irt mom but uhh… it was all rather clunky and didn’t land for me. I tried I really tried to buy in but something was wrong fundamentally with the groundwork there, it did not click and their catharsis felt unearned. I know there’s massive amounts of tragic baggage being projected there from the author so I’m not slapping any judgment down really;

but again it would be an easy thing to wave off if they just had a vibrant cast of lovable simpletons with good chemistry and the kinetic sense of plotting the trailers promised (and this premise never discounts good drama, either). but instead it was just two and a half (!) hours of meandering into situations the filmmaking instincts had no idea how to flow in and out of

to wit. I know talking about “bad pacing” is associated with armchair bullshit but consider the example of the scene were dieter does an out of nowhere little dance after childishly screaming but then still-killing a zombie, with the film framing this as a micro character triumph, and not a second later the bg soundtrack instantly fades into an orchestral score dramatizing a nearby mcguffin reveal, completely 180 degreeing the tone without a semblance of deft insert shot stitching or even I dont know a fucking jump cut maybe. now imagine this whiplash for 2.5 hrs uninterrupted

I will keep complaining about the length yeah because this was not a story requiring this much real estate to be told. Uhh in my humble and personal opinion, of course

[man sees zombie tiger] “this is crossing the line!” you can in fact write dialogue that is not utter nonsense that falls apart once you drill down its single fickle layer of referential meta winking. what line are you talking about. you have rules in this insane situation you’re in? total nitpick moment I know but it got burned in my brain for some reason. like a microcosm of the mismanaged dramatic instincts paired with weird writing that dots this movie. I am sure the director calls this either satire or genre deconstruction. I am SO sure

tumblr domino meme that goes from “dude getting sucked off while driving” to “entire las vegas literally nuked”

tig notaro is always great to see but once you know she’s been filmed as a separate greenscreen plate months after photography wrapped - cause she had to apparently replace some abusive asshole but that’s a whole other pig not worth fucking - it becomes impossible to unsee her odd detachment from everyone else in the movie lmao. it doesn’t really “ruin” anything on its lonesome but it is hard to unsee

why. was. sean. spicer. in. this. movie

a very simple key ingredient missing from fully turning lip service sympathy for main uruk hai dude into actual empathy that would generate meaningful conflict with hero family would be to spend a bit more time articulating what he internally wanted the most. because he was obviously trying to do something here with pointed agenda. a family, to have kids, build a caste system, save his wife’s head, return to his planet??? all of these could represent the bigger context in his psychology that spurred his vengeance but none of them are dramatically emphasized long enough for you to cheer him on. I’m not asking too much I promise. Articulating interiority of a mute character is pretty doable with deft cinema language, just gotta linger and hold a shot here and there for a few seconds, frame as his POV, donezo. I know this is also one of those like. “who cares” moments but the movie does, very evidently so, in making this guy an actual character. you can kinda piece it together and create a framework of sympathy for him, sure, but then again he ultimately becomes a foil to be killed and not defeated, so. Ehh whatever

quarantine zone stuff was not a wildly childish covid allegory quarantine zone stuff was not a wildly childish covid allegory quarantine zone stuff was n

the rooftop helicopter fakout at the end was such an ass-backwards, manufactured moment of what could be a simple setup/payoff it just pissed me off??? you gain nothing by giving sad dad five seconds of pointless crisis that flips right back to previous status quo ANYWAY, except for a weaksauce waste of runtime, which could be used instead to get inside notaro’s head and actually SHOW the remorse form as she took off, literally maybe even a frown playing on her face as she’s headed for safety right before we cut back to drax and the kid. just a simple-ass, minimal, momentary setup for what is the most basic filmmaking trick of creating macro catharsis moments. Just???? g o d if you can’t even land that shit why are you even doing any of this

that lil run final pam did was very very charming and super choreographed in a way that was the tiiiniest bit overdone

the whole intro with the simul-backstories and posing with family photos was just… oddly motivated. what was the goal? “here’s what we’re fighting for” vignettes? why? it’s not a functional setup in that vein. what was all that

also I am sorry if this is insensitive but the reasons most characters end up articulating to justify going back into the hell that destroyed their lives makes them sound seriously insane

I dont like complaining about CGI (honestly) but so much of it in modern movies can achieve higher fidelity if the animation is simply subdued. Do not overengineer and over-apply 2D cell methodologies and kinematics to each tiny twitch and movement in a hyper 3D model and I promise you. it will look a thousand times more natural. look at thanos in those last two movies. your rendering and detail are absolutely perfect with the tiger you just have to let stuff sit instead of constantly simulating swaying hair strands and firing off all facial muscles at once. great moment at one point where makeup zombie horse and CG zombie tiger are both in one shot together and just by unnecessary amounts of movement alone you can tell who doesn’t belong. again; detail, rendering, compositing, lighting, all picture-perfect; but y’all just gotta let the animation breathe sometimes, and chill it out

plot holes don’t really matter to me but it was kinda funny how lilly decided not to mention the enormous wrinkle in intel pertaining to an actual territorial tribe of intelligent zombies that require human offerings to let you pass, just so that reveal could play out in real time through the joyous punishment of the cartoonishly misogynistic dude

total chad move for mister uruk hai and final pam to rule from a rusted swimming pool complex

the ending with vanderohe oh my god. with the. cash stacks at the airport register. and specifically them working in his favor. that is literally something you do to get arrested under suspicion of theft. it was almost played for laughs and I respect that. coulda been goofier. make these movies goofy ya dorks

anyway, weird, weird movie. bad marketing. message unclear (something something sins of the father???), baffling editing instincts, literal worst-looking cinematography I ever laid eyes upon. Confidently dying on that last hill

[mageglory]

And here we go with the last two episodes of

Dragon Age Redemption (Of a Plot).

My baby Josmael finally gets to flip off Tallis -I don't hate Tallis, but this movie has her at her worst attitude- and Cairn and gets a reaver friend. We start with episode 5. Are you ready? Let's go.

-The episode starts with our protagonists fighting in the inn, where we left them and oh Maker did I said how I love the guy with the hammer? Not only he has a gigantic rubber hammer, he's also bald, grinning and with a dark beard. He's the perfect evil enchnman clichè and I want 20 of them thank you very much. He even says "GRAAAWL!" before starting the fight. I love you, random evil hammer guy.

-The fights goes more or less the same, the only thing I'm gonna change is that the innkeeper does not randomly knocks out Josmael because I find not very realistic that a civilian would throw herself in a fight. She still gets angry at the gang for fucking up the inn and takes their money, but she spends the fight hiding to safety behind the table and immediately after the fight and them buying informations from the innkeeper. If we have to add something, I would not mind Josmael or someone else asking what Nyree did, so we can throw some informations about Reaver abitilities to the viewer instead of just assuming I know.

-Ok it's a specific DA movie, so if you are watching you probably know about reavers and lore already, but a good rule of storytelling is to never assume the player/viewer already knows, and I study games.

-Anyway the gang is now in the dark (it was daylight in the previous scene why is now dark? what did they waste time on?? That's a mystery between them and the script) or still daylight if we want to be more realistic. They are talking about how those guys were waiting for them and how did Sarebaas knew they were gonna enter that inn, since Sarebaas is obviously behind this?

-Tallis is like "Josmael told us about the shortcut I don't trust him" and knocks him against the stone. But since we are less than 20 minutes from the end, Josmael is tired of being harrassed by his "allies" and having to take it for the sake of the mission so he hits Tallis with a mind blast and tells her to get her hands off him. Cairn takes out his sword, but he feels cold against his neck and realizes Nyree is keeping her weapon on him, estabilishing sides officially.

-Josmael explains how he followed the instructions on a message for the person he loved, NOT to betray them and Craig snaps towards him yelling "deceitful little apostate!" but is once again stopped by Nyree who growls at him "Don't Try It, Anakin torturer!" since it's a stalemate, Craig does his "I know nothing good could come of you" but Josmael is defiant, not scared (well ok maybe he is scared too but he's not gonna take this from Meredith little boy). At the "You're tainted!" Josmael snaps that the dalish have heard the stories about the Knight Commander of Kirkwall and if he's tainted at the eyes of someone who was hurting elders in chains then he's proud. Cairn tries to surpass Nyree to kill him and is knocked down instead.

-Nyree does her reveal, telling that the boy is right and even if he wasn't Cairn is way worse than a lie out of love, for he caused Sarebaas escape by trying to kill him. Tallis interrogates Cairn about it and Cairn admits how he tried to kill the mage but was overpowered. (Nice to see Templars are usless as always).

-Blablabla Sarebaas killed Cairn family after his village near Kirkwall took pity of him? Ehh no. We are not doing Sten 2.0 on the simple basis that Sten had a (wrong but still logical) motivation.

-Instead when asked "why" Cairn will tell that his family did took pity on Sarebaas but he did not trusted him. Then one night he entered the barn where Sarebaas was being let sleep (since the family did not had enough room for him) and caught him doing bloodmagic and summoning demons. Cairn, as a Templar who was visiting his family, realized the qunari wasn't "simple" a qunari, but a mage and a maleficar and when he tried to arrest him as is his duty Sarebaas killed his family trying to escape.

-Some of you could say "but this still makes Sarebaas the cartoon villain evil mage?" and I say, in Mickey Mouse voice, "This is a plot point that will serve us later". For now, like the Hinterlands, bear with me. (Yes I know my jokes are great).

-Anyway in the fight and after seeing his little sister die in his arms, Cairn was stopped from killing Sarebaas by the Chantry (specifing they stopped him only because they wanted to "experiment" on him not because murdering mages is wrong), tried to kill him later and messed up.

-Instead of framing Josmael and making Cairn looks #angsthero we have Josmael in the right and Cairn in a "yeah he caused this and I dont like him but I can understand the trauma" (for now) situation.

-Then Nyree realizes Josmael legged out to reach Sundermount alone and Tallis says some curse in qunlat instead of "Andraste's Ass" because if she can curse in qunlat during Mark of the Assassin she can do it now too.

-We start with episode 6, the last episode, with Josmael getting close to the altar (thankfully my Hawke never looted the elven graves lmao. The last thing this boy needs is an horde of angry ravenants).

-Behind him Nyree shows up and says she prefers to help him than help Tallis and Cairn. Josmael points out he has no money and Nyree answers something along the lines of "I already have the money kid. But you know we mercenaries, we have no honor and it's better than a fake one".

-Tallis and Cairn reach them and Cairn wants to fight but Tallis intervenes doing her "we all want to defeat Sarebaas let's keep working more or less together and we can solve this later" so each party goes hiding behind some rocks, waiting for the enemy.

-While Tallis and Cairn talk (with NO romantic music thank you very much) Cairn admits Meredith didn't allowed the mission and says that he thinks he will not be able to go back. "The Knight-Commander is not the kind of woman who forgives lack of control"

-They are very pompous about it but it's made clear to the viewer that one side wants to murder a mage and the other wants to enslave him. Since we think Cairn wants revenge for his family and we have previously seen Sarebaas look of horror towards his collar, we are like "well I hope the bastard Templar kills Sarebaas seems the more justified of the two options and probably Sarebaas would rather die than return to the Qun"

-They still try to recruit each other, but there is no kiss or romance, only two zealots trying to recruit the other in their creed.

-We entirely skip that scene with Nyree and Josmael. You know the one. ENTIRELY I SAID.

-They instead talk about how Nyree has seen Templars harrass mages in Nevarra when they could and throw dirty look at Mortalitasi and Josmael thanks her for siding with him in the past.

-Sarebaas and the bad guys arrive with Fina (Josmael beloved in case I didn't specified already) and a battle plan is made, with the four protagonists reunited on the same rock.

-I take a moment to appreciate how Sarebaas long nails are pained black and way better than Voldemort dirty ones. Remember kids, being an evil mage hell bent on conquering the land with a demon army is no reason to look dirty.

-Sarebaas start the ritual and when Josmael tries to put Fina to safety she tells Sarebaas the enemy is here. Josmael is shocked but then he realizes that Fina is controlled by blood magic. Because that makes at least more sense than "being kidnapped by the villain of the story makes me feel special I so love being a sacrifice"

-I clap at Sarebaas calling the dead to him because necromancy is always cool, even on low budget.

-Fina still gets Stabbed because Sarebaas magic pushed Josmael against her while he was struggling to take the knife away from her without hurting her and the blood activates the ritual. Instead of being immediately defeated, Sarebaas and Josmael are locked into a magic duel until the mask doesn't power up Sarebaas, then Josmael is throwed away.

-As in canon, Sarebaas magically blocks Cairn and thanks him and Cairn yells at him he's a monster but Sarebaas reveals the truth. He never did bloodmagic to kill Cairn family. Cairn killed his family.

-The true story is that yes Sarebaas, being Sarebaas/a mage was using his powers in the barn, but he was doing enthropic magic. Cairn, already blinded by hate and rage because of the difficulties with th Qun in Kirkwall and his own racism (fueled by Petrice, altought she's not directly mentioned because he couldn't know this, but we know), assumed entropy was blood magic without taking a second to check/ask and tried to kill Sarebaas.

-In the fight, the family and others ran in to see what was going on, Cairn tried to kill Sarebaas and instead stabbed his sister who was trying to stop it and a flying spell set the barn on fire. After being arrested and taken to Kirkwall, Sarebaas -enslaved by the Qun all his life and now an attempt to a new life destroyed by racism- decided that it's better to be feared than a weapon in other people hands and so when Cairn tried to kill him again, making him escape, Sarebaas seized the occasion to chase the mask and exact revenge on everyone.

-Still a villain, but a villain caused by Cairn himself and by the Qun treatment of people. It's a very "Luke I'm your father" "That's not true! That's impossible!" moment, except Luke is the bad guy who caused everything and Vader is still the bad guy but he's spilling the beans.

-So Sarebaas thanks Cairn for "showing him the truth of the world" and the fight goes on.

-Josmael asks Tallis to pass him a knife and cuts himself on the hand, using blood magic to stop the bloodmagic. While the rest of the group keeps Sarebaas busy, Josmael calls the blood out of the mask. No blood, no mask power, no mask power, no ritual. The Fade rift that was forming closes. Cairn gets ellectrocuted by magic but Tallis manages to put the qun control collar on Sarebaas, making him powerless.

-Cairn dies *world smallest violin plays* and when Tallis asks why he didn't tried to live his life Sarebaas tells her "You heard me talking to your Templar. I try and failed. Then I had the means to do harm... So I took them." and his "Qunari made me this way" bit, making the audience realize that while this doesn't justify Sarebaas actions, Thedas denied his attempts to be something that wasn't a weapon at every turn.

-Since there is no romance nobody particularly cares for Cairn, so Tallis is still intentioned to bring Sarebass back in chains.

-Sarebaas and Tallis are stopped by Josmael, who tells him he can't forgive him, but he knows part of his struggles, since the same people who denied a new life to him are the people who try to kidnap dalish kids with magic.

-Josmael looks at Sarebaas who nods and two spells make two things happen: his collar is broken and the second spell turns him into ice, breaking him in pieces and killing him. Sarebaas dies, but he dies free.

-Instead of having Josmael randomly hug Tallis in the end after she stabbed him, stole from his clan and treathened him, she argues with Josmael because she wanted to bring the prisoner to the Qun, but then she realizes that she is alone against two and angrily leaves.

-But first, Nyree throws the money of her payment (who were the clan stolen money) to Josmael, then takes Tallis money for herself.

-Nyree tells Josmael he is a great First and will one day be a great Keeper too and Josmael gives her an elven token of friendship so that other clans she could meet will recognize her as a friend of the People. He tells her it's not guaranteed that all clans will accept her, but still.

-They bury Fina together.

-Camera shows the sunset on Soundermount.

-The End.

Also yes, it is possible to interact with Josmael the First in Dragon Age 2 at the Sabrae camp in my mind. Because Merrill needs her people tp support her.

[boog-shitposting-edition]

So I been playing a ton of Kenshi and watched all of the Mandalorian in a single day shortly before and it’s got me thinking about what makes what I consider a good action hero, because there was definitely a time where I thought the phrase “good action hero” was an oxymoron.

I grew up around some angry, unstable dudes who had that bad habit of watching horror movies and opining that in the same situation they would simply shoot the monster with the gun the character was holding. I got some views on the model of masculinity that sees the male ideal as functionally a tool for performing violence, condescension and occasional reddit-approved banter with all other emotional responses pared away or suppressed. This seems like a good way to manufacture a product for performing labor rather than developing a whole functional human being. So I generally veer away from that sort of thing pretty hard.

So I’m resistant to the Mandalorian at first, right? All the ads are basically star wars apocryphica and a power armored fighty gun boy. The last star wars thing I’d seen was The Rise Of Skywalker and my faith in the franchise is low. But it’s been a hot minute, the hype dies down, and my girlfriend is a better and more patient fan than I’ll ever be so we give it a go. And the first thing that really nails it for me is what a DORK the mando is. I’m delighted, his life is violence interdispersed with being an absolute buttfumble disaster. He slips and falls over things he could never have predicted, he burns his life down for a baby he finds in the desert. Pedro Pascal references Boba Fetts stiff menace and plays it off as someone who has no social skills other than stiff menace and it’s FASCINATING. Him explaining to the village woman who is obviously into him that he hasn’t taken the armor off since he was thirteen isn’t a badass declaration of martial devotion, it is the single saddest and most awkward interaction I have ever seen filmed and it hits all the harder for the fact that this is a character I’ve mostly ever seen as an action figure with a spring loaded missile backpack. Instead of being a faceless emotionless action-cudgel, Pedro amps up the body language in his acting to really sell you this heavily psychologically damaged, desperate, viking-space-catholic mess with no life skills other than violence and a devotion to his people’s creed that borders on obsession. Rather than paring himself down making him a psychological fortress, the Mando is an incredibly obvious walking raw nerve (”I’m not sad-” “Yes you are.”) So, Kenshi.

I’ve heard about this game on and off a few years and finally got it a few days ago. It’s been in early access since 2012, appears to be mostly getting finished by its modding community, and glitches like absolute woah. There’s no core storyline, just a post-apocalyptic setting with some surprisingly detailed autogenerated NPC interactions with some options for starting conditions and the sole goal of surviving. It’s essentially a rapid sequence of story prompts hidden underneath a closely interlocked system of XP grinding, survival mechanics and dismemberment algorithms, and is appallingly my shit.

My first run at the game got pretty far, went from a lone confused desert wanderer to a 13 man village running a tidy copper-mining operation to trade with the ant people. In the early game, fight mechanics are basically a death sentence; my first character immediately got her leg torn off by a goat and I had to restart. All skills grow only by excersizing them; you have to fight to get better at fighting, you have to LOSE fights to gain toughness, and when you lose a fight the consequences can range from “these bandits are stealing all your food” to “this monster is eating your leg/heart/head” to “these slavers are taking your character away and your game experience is Different now.” And while I was proud of myself for finding a way to survive, grow and thrive with a low-combat squad, once I tried the basebuilding mechanics that basically just meant my town was a source of free food and money for local bandits while my squad starved to death, unable to abandon our locale. So I got fed up and restarted.

As mentioned the game gives you different start positions; wanderer gives you 1 character, some money and pants. Guy and his dog gives you a dog, which is fun. Exiled officer starts you with good skills and the hatred of your former commander, which complicates things. Cannibal Hunters starts you already in a fistfight with 30 cannibals. It’s exciting times. But I figure this time I’d like to start my squad a LITTLE more capable of defending themselves, so I look at the Holy Sword start; you’re a bandit who starts with a stolen holy weapon, minuses in most skills, no money and a 20,000 bounty on your head from both major factions.

So I proceed to character creation and notice I can pick whatever I want for player species/subspecies with this start. There’s robot people and warriors made of stone and baseline humans and all sorts of fun options, but you remember those ant people I mentioned before? In game they’re called the Hivers, you find ‘em in 3 recruitable varieties (prince, worker drone and soldier) and they have an interesting in-universe quirk; ones that grow up in the hive are pheramone-addicted, chemically wired into the needs and wants of all of their fellows, but if you’re away from your kin for over a fortnight this addiction dries out incredibly fast and cannot be reinstated. Hivers who ever spend any time away from the hive are declared “lost ones,” and are often taken advantage of in the outside world as they long for a new community.

In survival sims I dont often play dedicated fighters, I always feel like being a brutal fight-beast isn’t really in the spirit of finding a niche to exploit and growing from a fumbling plebian to a major power. But I was already starting this game with my ONLY advantage being a nice sword. And the soldier hivers gain a buff to experience gained for melee attack and toughness, and a debuff to literally all else.

Manual labor. Science. Engineering. Farming. Cooking. First aide. In a setting that heavily prioritized your ability to survive using multiple vital skill sets, my character would start with negatives in his skills for putting on band-aids and FEEDING himself. So I gave it a go.

Getting more wild here, it turns out the Holy Sword opening also takes place in a time in the setting with more recent warfare, so a bunch of the starting villages are destroyed and it appears that more of the nearby cities are controlled by the factions that have a bounty on me. So my character CAN’T rely on other people or meet anyone to recruit at first. He can run, he can scrounge and scavenge, and as mentioned above starting characters can take lethal damage from GOATS so he can’t even hunt for food; the only way I was getting a meal was if I robbed someone or ran into merchants on the road I could hawk my salvage to for a scrap of bread.

He eventually finds someone willing to join him on his travels in spite of being flat broke, a shek named Ruka running from a dishonerable loss on the battlefield, and comparing their skills he’s so useless for everything besides combat that I assign him to bodyguard her. And again, this game’s appeal is that the survival mechanics make good story prompts, so imagine that in character.

“Fine, I need a change. I’ll join you.” “Thank god. Lead the way boss.” “What?”

Things regarding my characters bounty are starting to heat up in town, so we head north into hiver territory. We get attacked by bandits and heavily injured, my soldier gets knocked out, so Ruka picks him up and carries him until we find a hive town. I saw these guys all the time in my last playthrough, I survived by selling to them, they’re super friendly, should be fine. Ruka walks into the local shop and before I can have her ask for directions and a medikit the shopkeeper is already shouting- “SKREEE! LOST ONE! GET OUT! LOST ONES BRING MADNESS”

Apparently, my protagonist being a hiveless hiver means there’s a THIRD faction that’s hostile to him; his own goddamn people. Ruka has to leave him under a tree not just outside but like 50 feet from the edge of town, and just has  to hope none of the local wild megafauna eats him while she rushes back in to buy things from the now abruptly friendlier shopkeep.

I’m finally sitting there, having Ruka watch my soldier hiver sleep while she cooks scavanged meat and waits for him to finish healing, that I realize what the story being generated here is and it’s a good one; a Hive soldier whose only skills are violence, frantically scavenging and stealing to survive until he can find the one circumstance where he’s comfortable, sacrificing himself to protect others. He steals a sword that’s obviously important to two major governments, just because he knows it’s powerful and thinks that power will justify his continued existence as a hiveless soldier drone, essentially buying his way back into his people’s good graces by performing his function. Literally wandering the world until he found a single person who was willing to boss him around again and devoting himself to their defense to a state of pathological damage just to feel like he has a hive again. It’s sad. It’s badass. It’s deeply, unsettlingly pathetic.

But I also think it’s what makes a really really good gruff action hero!

Hypercompetence in violence is really interesting when you acknowledge the damage it can do to your humanity in the storytelling! The Mandalorian is unsuccessful in repressing his empathy response so he just tries to tough through the pain it causes him as best he can, until he meets The Child and it snaps. The Hiver is essentially playing pretend at being still valued as a product for committing violence, even in the face of being openly rejected for his previously esteemed role. This stuff is INTERESTING.

TL;DR version, a lot of these “supersoldier raised by the military/fight wizards/karate” characters are super boring and obnoxious when they’re put forward as power fantasies, and really interesting when you realize that being raised by Fight Wizards is why they’ve never had a girlfriend and called their handgun “mom” once.

[thesugarace]

Alright

I finished HLITF season 1 for Kaga and I SWEAR TO ALL 12 ZODIAC GODS

VOLTAGE. PEAKED!!!! AT KAGA’S SEQUEL

THIS STORY IS AN ABSOLUTE 

(Early warning: minor/major spoilers and a lot of rants/fangirling/thirst etc etc all bec I just absolutely love this story and I feel the need to share this love with everyone. Also, I keep seeing everyone hating on MC in this but I actually really liked her here and so I MUST defend her)

Okay

First of all look. loOK. LOOK AT THESE CGS!!!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE WE GET A HOT AND SEXY KAGA CG, A LITERALLY STEAMY ROMANTIC CG AND A BOMB AF STORY ALL FOR $3 EYE-

And oh my huedhaut dont even get me started on the story. It was absolutely on point. It has everything a HLITF story promises to have:

justice in the eyes of our straightlaced MC vs the PSD ✔️

Conflict btwn Kaga and MC precisely because of that ✔️

Our girl pulling a vanishing act bec she refused to compromise her values ✔️

the refusal of each side to back down and their love for each other TEARING THEM APART INSIDE ✔️

OUR GIRL SHOWING OFF HOW INSIGHTFUL SHE REALLY IS AND FINDING A SOLID AF LEAD ✔️

MC’S GROWTH in finding a somewhat compromise between her principles and what is required of her as a PSD detective ✔️

And of course, my absolute favourite: ANGSTY ANGSTY MY-WORLD-IS-ENDING-BECAUSE-MY-MC-IS-IN-DANGER-ANGSTY KAGA ✔️

Okay, I need to address the one thing that everyone just hates about this story en masse and it’s MC. Personally, I dont agree with her about the some parts, especially the interrogation because she did hinder an investigation and in law enforcement that is one big No-No but I do see where she’s coming from, especially with the surveillance thing and the whole copping out and literally running away to the countryside. I saw reviews abt her being completely naive but seriously, put yourself in the position of the one being spied. She’s so against it because to the suspect, what they’re doing could be harmful to him, especially so if he was innocent. I think as a person, she believes in the more publically-accepted justice - the kind of justice that everyone wants but is really very difficult to obtain.

And this is where we get to the beauty of this story. As per their MO, the PSD is ready to do whatever it takes to get the culprit even it means breaking the law. They’re desperate to get the culprit because people are actually getting hurt and the longer this guy gives them the slip, the more people are going to get hurt. Even in MSB, its been established that to the PSD, the end ALWAYS justify the means and they dont give a shit if they look like criminals for it. So this is where the conflict arises between MC and the PSD guys. For the PSD, there’s an opportunity where they might get the culprit but its illegal and for MC, what the PSD wants to do is too risky for something only based on suspicion; she wants to stay on the legal path but she has no lead whatsoever and time is not on either side. People dont seem to realise the weight of MC’s viewpoint and have a tendency to think of ‘officers doing something illegal’ as something as light as jaywalking or smt. No, these institutions have a wide reach and one misstep could bring harmful repercussions onto countless innocent people not to mention the implications of their actions on their integrity as an institution of the law and the integrity of the entire justice system. However, the PSD’s side is a lot more true to reality albeit in more complex situations: their duty beyond all else is to prevent crime and there are times when there really seems to be no way. I’ve been working in law for the past few years and this is a classic dilemma that has been simplified but quite well executed in this context. Justice is not as clear cut as the right way, the right end. The law may simply be black words on white paper but different circumstances dye it with their own colours. This is where MC is lacking. She’s like a freshman at law school - someone who truly believes in the importance of justice but actually has little idea what that actually entails. She is not entirely naive but more in a sense that she’s never been confronted with these kind of complex high-stakes situations (she worked in a police box before this for Ichthys’s sake) and that inexperience disables her from seeing and evaluating the entire situation from the PSD’s pov. For her, its like playing poker for the first time and she’s already betting with the million dollar chips.

The second thing I REALLY must defend her in is the whole quitting from the academy. For the love of Zyglavis, she did NOT run away just because Kaga told her she’s not suited for PSD, it was just the trigger. Lemme put it in a different scenario (btw this scenario is not meant to mirror the situation, its only meant to evoke how MC felt in the story) Imagine you live in a city and you and your significant other are living together. A pandemic has struck your city but everyone refuses to wear a mask and the government is even encouraging people not to wear a mask. You know that wearing a mask slows down the spread of the virus and you are trying to convince people to wear one but they just ignore you. The number of cases is dropping and people think its because they dont wear masks unlike other cities but you know that people should still wear masks or the numbers might spike. So you try to convince everyone to wear a mask and people start berating you for being so stupid as to believe that masks will slow down the spread of the virus when the numbers are dropping without the city wearing them. You go home and your significant other berates you for forcing other people to wear a mask and says ‘since you wanna wear a mask so badly, get out of my house and move out of town’ That’s what it felt like for MC: the absolute frustration + sadness from the rejection of what she truly believes in by the people she’s surrounded by. Time and time again in the story, she’s confronted with the fact that the justice she believes in is not the justice PSD serves. For someone who is working towards joining the PSD, that has to be killing her inside every time. It just serves as a reminder that she is not suited for PSD nor is she what PSD wants in a detective, something she has been struggling with since MS1 but she perseveres perhaps because of her dream to become a detective or because of her aspirations to someday be Kaga’s equal or at least be someone he considers he can rely on. I really believe it’s the second one, after all, it was his rejection of her that really broke her inside and finally convinced her to quit. That’s why if you buy the ending set, you’ll see in the extra stories that Kaga gets extremely angry AT HIMSELF that MC quit the academy. He knows that our persistent Kappa doesnt give up so easily, not even when he scolded her for ruining his interrogation. Its because all these factors built up and he was the one to push her over her limit. So yes, our girl is not fragile yall. She’s just been through so much and I honestly dont blame her for leaving like one order of R&R for our MC here, she deserves it thanks. 

Okay, I need to end this soon cause its starting to get too long but what made me really love her here is the whole LIME thing. That part made love her so much because even when she quit on the academy, there’s still a fire inside her to do what it takes to achieve justice, even if it meant relying on the people she didnt agree with. Even when she was so broken inside believing that she’s not one of them, she’s not needed by them, she’s not worthy of helping them; she just wants to help!

IM SO FREAKING SOFT FOR HER BECAUSE THIS GIRL WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH IS STILL FIGHTING IN HER OWN WAY AND JKASHFHASKJHAKSHKJHGA BRB CRYING

ALSO 

THAT BLOODY PHONE CALL OH MY FREAKING SCORPIO THAT PHONE CALL. I died when he told her that quitting is not an excuse to leave his side. THESE TWO EYE-

Okay, you have to read that phone call scene from both sides because then you’ll see how much these two are being stubborn because they still dont accept the other’s pov abt the case but at the same time how much they love and miss each other is gnawing at them inside AND THEYRE STRUGGLING TO HOLD ALL THOSE EMOTIONS BACK WHEN THEY HEAR EACH OTHERS’ VOICES OVER THE PHONE FREAKING KRIOFF TAKE THE WHEEL PLEASE

Anyways, I really enjoyed reading season 1 for Kaga, especially because of his MC - I see her actually growing from the small police box officer to a PSD cadet and the sequel, especially, shows promise in how she’s going to navigate the world of law enforcement and facing difficult choices. Our girl really decided to return to the academy without finding a proper middle ground between her values and what PSD requires of her but she showed determination to work on it so I really hope we get to see more of that in later seasons. Also, WHIPPED Kaga is my fav but soft Kaga is up there as well. MC SAYING HE SOUNDED SAD OVER THE PHONE AND HER TEARING UP I CANT. THESE TWO ARE BAD FOR MY HEART.

Okay, Im not sure what I’ll be reading next. I kinda wanna start on his season 2 but considering how amazing this season is for Kaga, Im really curious abt the other characters so I might start on them before starting any season 2s. Also, idk if I would make these long argumentative-ish essays a thing but just idk why, my brain is really good at spewing essays out when it comes to HLITF and I think its fuelled by the panic from all my unfinished work so yay 

Thanks for reading!!!

[q-u-a-c-k]

im just gonna talk. I apologize for feed spam so I'll just talk under the cut

----------------

also I'm sorry for the complete spam I hope you can ignore me well enough, but I just wanted to say that I feel content for the first time in a while. I've been doing shitty lately but too scared to really say anything about it. my brain is constantly urging me to relapse or do something stupidly insanely harmful to myself. but right now the voice is quiet and I'm allowed to think and I like thinking happy things like this. I wish there was a way to have the voices this quiet without doing it this way (unintentionally high, I think there was something in my drink that I didn't put in there). like if anyone actually reads this and knows a way to quiet the voices in my head so I can think, please let me know. I know things like taking time to take care of myself or positivity things, but when the voices are back they dont really let me do that stuff. so if anyone has a quick and effective way of getting them to be quiet please tell me.

anyways I think I already told you two, but I have the potential to be quadruple gay and I think that's pretty cool. So identity crisis time trying to explain it. Although I'm still confused about how two of the parts work together but I'm gonna try to explain it while I can think. So I'm definitely gay and I think probably pan because I honestly have no preference, a pretty person is a pretty person. I believe I'm ace or at least under that umbrella term because ew. I think I might be nonbinary but I've never really outright said I use that label. because I honestly dont know yet but I'm not comfortable with male or female and I just am who I am but dont know what that is. so I'm hoping it's okay to use at least until I figure it out? and now the confusing part, possiblity of aro???? I'm not really sure because I could have just not really found the right (or any) person yet and I dont really want to use a label just because I'm not really sure. but like thinking about romantic stuff like... it's okay?? but that doesnt really sound like my thing. like I'd like to hang out with people and know them better and do things like dates but not with a romantic intention? just to vibe with the person? idk. but it's confusing because I also said I was pan but idk what about me is oen if in possibly under aroace. like I know they're both umbrella terms, but I dont know where under them I am. or where pan fits? idk identy crisis, yay!!

I wanna do a platonic date with someone. Like we can go to the movies or something and go to a park and just get to know each other better but like platonically. I think that just sounds fun. I need to get a job so I can have money to platonically take someone on a date. I've been meaning to look for places or put in applications but I keep forgetting. Which also reminds me, I want a fuckung sword. Imagine how cool that would be!! I have the money for this nice one that I've been looking at for a while, it's a pretty white longsword with a blue gem in the hilt. I want it so bad. but my parents wont let me get it which i think is stupid. like I'm gay and have themoney, let me get my sword >:(

I want an axe, too. it doesnt necessarily have to be a pretty one because I wanna get strong and chop wood with it. I want to be a lumberjack. like not cut down trees that dont need to be cut down, but anything that has fallen already I wanna chop up with an axe then make things out of it!! I like wood working stuff. it sounds like fun. but I would need the right stuff to do that that I dont have right now. like skills.

that is making me think about another life crisis but I dont wanna think about that so I'm gonna try to think of something else like how I cant wait to move out. because they have stuff planned out for me and what they want me to do but I realized I dont wanna do that. and now I'm thinking and vaguely talking about the crisis I dont wanna think about so I'm gonna think about what I actually want to do. I wanna do the plan thing you came up with where you're gonna have your cottage in a small town and we're gonna live hopefully somewhat close to you and we can visit each other a lot and vibe. you're gonna do what you want to do and work in a museum and talk about the things you enjoy.I dont really know what I want yet but I know I wanna live near you so we can hang out and be a lot closer because you're my family and my best friend. I think I wanna have lots of plants. I want to take better care of them than I do now and. have a lot and spend time with them and make sure they're doing well and growing. I like most plants vibes. they're mostly simple but very pretty and calming and looks like what home should feel like. you feel like what home should. like sometimes when the three of us are playing games like minecraft or something and it's getting all competitive and laughing it feels like home and makes me really happy. I'm excited to leave this place and have a real home.

I wanna leave as much of this as I can behind. and since I don't plan on coming out to them soon or possibly even at all, it might actually be easier to leave. because once I do I can go by Ash everywhere and not the name they gave me. I wont have to feel sad when I have to introduce myself as the name they gave me. and as far as people would know this is my name and the only one. they wouldn't even know what the other one is and cant call me it.

I still dont know what I want, but I know just being there I'll already be happier than here. they upset me a lot here. they say rude and insensitive things and insult me whether they know they are or not. and I think one day when I leave, if they try to justify themselves instead of fixing it, I have the freedom to leave them behind. they're not as bad as a lot of other people's family, especially since I thought compared to other people my family was nice. but still I think unlike the voice says I dont deserve to feel bad about who I am, especially when they're the ones who impacted me that way and made me a lot of who I am. or caused it.

I also cant wait until I move out because I'll have a lot more control of what I can and cant do, how I can be myself, and what kinds if things I'm eating. because right now, my parents dont really buy things that are good for you because it's cheaper to get processed foods. and when they do get better things, they get things I dont like. or I never get any because my siblings have it. bht I guess in some weird way it is good that they make me feel horrible about food stuff because then that's less of the bad stuff that I eat. I don't really like eating at all and I thought that was a good thing becuas ei vcd ont have access to the things I'm supposed to be having. so to me it's better to have nothing than things that are bad. and I've been kinda proud of myself for having less because it's not good stuff. like last night's I had a slice of cheese, half of minimal dinner, then only a little bit of chocolate. but then my siblings got taco bell and now I feel like shit. because I felt bad because they got it specifically for me but I didnt want it but I had it anyways. but I'm proud of how I did today before that!!!!

I want it ti rain. I wanna go outside when there thunder and lightning and pouring rain and just walk around. I want to stand in the rain. the rain makes me happy and calm. I feel safer in the rain. and it's just an overall pleasant thing. of course i don't want it to flood or cause harm to anyone else, but I want it to rain. good thing rain season is coming up soon. it might be cold but I dont care. I've waited too long for it.

[randomslasher]

feel free to ignore this but I saw recent post of yours talking about “catching fakers“ and how weight and disability can be linked both ways. Im overweight and its due to my poor life choices. Im trying to correct it but it's slow going with a lot of back slides. While I try not to make a habit of it sometimes I take up those red seats of the bus or public transit esp after a long day cause everything hurts. I get looks of course. I just dont know how to explain w/out making it an excuse

I’ll be honest, I’m not 100% sure what you’re looking for in a response here, but I’m going to lay a few things out, from my perspective, anyway. Take it or leave it as you will. 

1) This idea that you’re only overweight due to “poor life choices” is, I’m sorry, probably not true to begin with. There are SO MANY factors that go into someone’s weight, from genetic factors to environmental and psychological and economic factors, and frankly, we understand almost none of them. Let’s face it, everyone knows someone who can sit on their ass all day and eat donuts and stay stick-skinny. It follows, then, that there are people who might eat nothing but salad and stay fat. We understand SO LITTLE of what goes into making someone fat and someone else thin, and if you dig under the propaganda designed to make you buy one more diet book or try one more magic pill, that information is right there for anyone to see.

What we DO know--though the diet industry and the privatized insurance industry will do their best to keep it from becoming common knowledge--is the links between weight and health are nebulous at best, and more likely than not, completely arbitrary. There are fat Olympians and skinny people who drop dead of clogged arteries. There is evidence that stress and poor sleeping habits are far more likely to cause heart attack than diet. There are PILES of evidence that yoyo dieting is far more damaging to your health than maintaining your weight, even if you’re “overweight.” BMI is bullshit and was never intended to be applied to individuals. 

I could go on and on and on, but I won’t. Like I said before, the information is all out there for anyone who wants to go looking for it. Suffice to say, your point about your weight--and subsequently (possibly) your pain--being your fault is a weak one at best. 

2) I’m not a huge fan of this idea that we need to assign blame before we deserve help. I’ve struggled with it myself for many years--this idea that “if I weren’t fat my back wouldn’t hurt so much, and since I’m fat I deserve this pain.” This in SPITE of the fact that my weight gain happened after my back injury, and that I’ve had plenty of doctors tell me the issue is structural and genetic. Weight might be exacerbating it, sure. But weight wasn’t the cause. But even if it were, first of all, the reasons people gain/don’t lose weight are far more complicated than “eat less, exercise more!” (if it were that simple the diet industry wouldn’t exist). 

And secondly, I don’t like this idea that your pain has to be somehow justified. I don’t like the idea that you have to lay out your entire medical history and all its potential causes to complete strangers before you “deserve” certain accommodations. I don’t like the idea that you have to earn accommodations that might help you be in less pain, any more than I like the idea that you should feel the need to punish yourself by denying yourself those accommodations. 

Obviously, I’m not the arbitrator of who is “disabled enough” to use accommodations and who isn’t. I don’t get to decide or judge who has “earned” the right to the red seats, or the bathroom stalls with the grab bars or higher toilet seats, or the shopping cart scooters, or any of the other accommodations provided for the public. 

But I’m also not the person who is going to sit here and tell you that you didn’t earn your pain, didn’t develop it the right way, or that you aren’t suffering it properly, so you don’t get to use those accommodations. Because I think that’s gatekeep-y BS. 

If you’re in pain, and there’s an accommodation that will help you not be in pain, then I’m not going to be the one to tell you not to use it, or that you deserve to suffer, because you think your pain is your fault. 

I don’t know if this is what you were looking for, and I apologize if it comes across harsh. It’s not supposed to. 

I’m just so tired of this narrative that fat people deserve the things that supposedly come with being fat--pain included--and I’m not willing to add my voice to the chorus you probably already hear every day, telling you that this is somehow all your fault, or worse, that you deserve to suffer because of it. 

At the end of the day, it’s a judgment call, and it’s one only YOU can make. You know your body and your pain. If you think someone else on the bus or train needs the seat more, it’s up to you to make that call, not me or anyone else.

But if you need it? Then use it. That’s why it’s there. No one else needs a list of your credentials, either, because it’s none of their business. This goes right back to the original post I reblogged: people who try to spot “fakers” aren’t doing anyone any favors, least of all disabled people, by trying to foster a culture where you’re expected to give your medical history to complete strangers to prove you deserve an accommodation. 

[sea-salted-wolverine]

Okay so last week was a shitkicker and was literally so bad I spent the better part of the week trying to delude myself into thinking it was a good day. Like, we're talking, "the sun is shining and I'm here to see it so today is a good day" and "I'm having a bad day- fuck me I am not haveing a bad day- I'm having a good day- I'm not having a bad day". Denial is a powerful tool for mental health, apply judiciously. I get that everyone on earth is kinda having a shitty year but it feels like things just kinda escalated in my little corner

The 7th had a huge snow storm that brought traffic to a stand still. No one could leave the house and university class was online anyway. Batshit customer demanded to pick up her gear anyway. I drove in because I was the only person with keys to the shop that could get to the building. It took me a solid 2 hours going 15mph on the highway. The snow in the parking lot was up past the fenders of my truck. Crazy lady gets 10 out of 18 of her survival suits back but the other 8 still have holes in them because our only repair tech is also the only one who answers the phone or runs the computer or handles customers or cleans or disinfects anything or stores gear. I'll give you one guess who that person is.

Did you guess me? Good for you. Fun fact this was not the case in October.

Crazy lady swans off through the snowed in parking lot and because she cant find the exit, blasts straight through the ditch and onto the road.

I say fuck it and leave. I've been at work for 2 hours. I have made 24 dollars for my trouble. It takes me another hour to get home.

The 8th is Saturday and I'm supposed to be at work. No one can drive. There was another 10 8nches of snow last night. I say fuck work and go to dig out the plow truck. The canopy over the plow truck collapses as I walk out to clear the snow of it.

I do not scream.

My partner and I get the truck running and go plow people out of their driveways and then go do the shop.

We come back home and the heater doesn't work. We just spent most of last week frantically trying to limp the thing along because no heat at -20°F is in a word fucking unpleasant. At least now its 40 degrees warmer because if the snowstorm. We take it apart again. The house smells like diesel. The house smells like exhaust. The house is not cold because the wood stove can keep up at 20 above zero but it won't keep us through the winter.

There is no saving the oil heater. We need a new one.

Its 730 and neither of us have eaten. I start rice in the pressure cooker so I can throw a tasty bite on top and call it dinner and that dies too. Explosively.

Dinner is half cooked rice and microwaved curry.

Sunday is spent finding a way to stretch our increasingly thin budget to buy a new heater. Between us we actually have 2275$ and we will still cover the mortgage. Somehow. All our Christmas gifts will be hand made this year. The next thing that breaks will stay broken.

Monday, power outages due to snow storm. No wifi, no zoom meetings. Another 8 inches of snow. This is now more snow than my city gets for the full year.

My boss calls sobbing. The dog died. Joey, an 11 year old, 130lb mastiff with a tumor the size of a football on his liver has been her constant companion for at least 8 years. The pandemic has confused the bejesus out of him because while he loves the lock down and going out to play every hour or so he doesnt really like the concept of strangers in masks. Hes a guard dog and doesnt understand that men in masks coming into the shop are not here to kill mom they're wearing masks so they don't kill mom.

Mondays the shop is closed anyway and I spend it installing the new heater. It doesn't quite fit in the space the old heater came out of but its warm.

Tuesday, I go to work, everyone cancels class, I once again gently explain to a regular that eugenics is bad. I would like to curse him out. I cant. He drops a grand on scuba gear and leaves, talking about how great his trip to Mexico will be.

I do not scream.

A friend calls to ask how I'm doing. Not great. Yea, her niether. She asks if I want to go out to the backcountry with her over the weekend. I explain that my leg physically does not move and I'm downing copious amounts of advil to remain upright. The doctor sent me in for an MRI but has not yet called back. Plus I'm supposed to go to Valdez for the weekend and actually go diving. That I can do with limited use of my leg.

She says yikes, take it easy, take care of yourself, I love you.

I say, yikes, I'm tired of taking it easy, I wanna play, I love you too.

Hit me up if your plans open up and we can do something gentle on your leg. She says.

God yes. The cold woods away from people sounds like paradise. I dont even care that it will cause me rending physical pain to get there. I need a break.

Its Wednesday. I go to school. I get pulled over. Miraculously I dont get a ticket. I'm white female and conventionaly attractive, maybe not so miraculous. I rolled through a stop sign but I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford a ticket.

I get a text in class. One of the instructors who works with the dive shop has tested positive for covid. I haven't seen the man in 2 months. I needed a spare instructor but he was nowhere to be found. But hey, evidently that's a good thing.

I go to work. I vacillate between doing the job a 4 people and having nothing to do.

I go to the grocery store because I misjudged my last monthly grocery run and even though I'm increasing my exposure I'm out of cheese and tea damnit.

The store is packed. Pandemic who?

My partner and I haven't had a date nite in a while and this week has been shitty. I want a nice dinner. I pick up a couple boxes of the carton sushi which isnt terrible and is about as nice as I can justify on the new budget. I grab a gallon of milk and a few other things. I forgot my wallet in the truck and the cashier is chill and sets my stuff aside while I grab it.

I pay and take my stuff home and realize I left one of my bags at the store. No cheese or tea for me.

Thursday. 10am my phone goes off with an emergency alert. The govoner has grown a spine in light of recent elections and is instituting a voluntary lock down. My state has 500 new cases a day. That might not sound like a lot but theres only 300,000 people in Alaska and we've got poor medical infrastructure.

Unfortunately Alaska is full of Alaskans and nobody can tell us what to do. Nothing changes. 7pm rolls around and I'm teaching scuba classes in the pool.

I load a few hundred pounds of scuba gear into the back of my truck. In a wet wetsuit. In the snow. In a fabric facemask. 6 feet apart. In the pool.

I dont get paid for pool time.

Over the summer we had 6 dive masters including me, all big burly dudes, much better suited to picking things up. Its November and I'm the only one.

The kids I'm teaching are going to Hawaii. They're 10 and 13 and so wildly excited about breathing underwater its beautiful to watch. And they're traveling to an island. In a pandemic.

Friday.

Unload scuba gear so it doesnt get stolen out of the back of my truck while I'm at class. Were doing a make up lab today. Hey of the five student in my class only one of us has covid so theres that.

My boss calls an let's me know that shes left for Valdez without me. If I'd like to make an 8 hour drive by myself in a snowstorm I'm welcome to follow.

I'm in class till an hour before shop closing. I'm not driving across town so I can run on the open sign for half an hour.

The shop stays closed on Friday.

Saturday.

I explained to everyone we had business with that the shop would be closed over the weekend and Friday. I planned on being in Valdez. Hell I canceled plans to be in Valdez.

I open the shop and immediately field calls about why we werent open. I start to explain about the Valdez trip and logistical difficulties and then I realize that shes not mad about that. The woman was here before I opened early this morning. We have never been open that early. The hours are on the door.

A regular comes in. Hes also confused as to why I'm here.

Sunday finds me curled up in bed, reluctant to leave. Getting out of bed has not played out well for me recently.

A friend comes over to chat with my partner about specialist rifle parts. This isnt that wierd, he works at a gun shop and they've been discussing upgrading my partners current rifle set up.

He is wearing a full Scottish kilt. Red tartan. Looks very lovely.

I make zucchini bread and my proportions are a little off because I have too much zucchini so it's a little over moist but it's good. I'm recovering from an asskicker of a week and next week will be better.

Monday morning:

Baby brother has covid

Dads getting the results of his rapid test tonight.

Mom isnt getting tested because she says she doesnt have symptoms but that's not the fucking point mom.

So, I'm not going home for thanksgiving. I'm not diving in Valdez. I'm not skiing backcountry.

I'm not sick. I'm not flat broke yet. I dont have a ticket. I have a job. I have people who care about me. Im managing my physical and mental health as best I can. Im just fucking exhausted.

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[thefeckisthis]

manifestation and religion

disclaimer: im going to write my opinions on religion and if you consider yourself a believer - dont get offended as we all have different experiences and beliefs. also, i will be mentioning some stuff that most people find weird and unusual so please keep your mind open and leave your judgment somewhere else.

i wrote quite a bit and then my clumsy ass accidentally closed all tabs and everything was gone so this time ill write my intro in short version. so we all heard the saying ‘’be careful what you wish for it may come true’’. well it does come true and it has proved to me so many times, and before i get to the basics of law of attraction and manifestation I am going to say a bit of background how i got to it all.

as most of my country i was raised christian and had to practice the religion until i was 14/15 and got my holy confirmation so after that i was finally happy that i did not have to go to church if i did not want to. my family is not super religious, we do follow the holiday traditions and such as its normal in our country, but personally i dont give them much meaning. two of my family members are religious and i am grateful because in a place as my hometown our parents gave us free will when i came to religion (after our confirmation only :P) .

 with all my experience and research i came to realise that christianity is most rotten, corrupted, vile and disgusting religion there is. there are exceptions that were better than rest, that is a small number unfortunately. i always considered myself agnostic, there is no defined god but there is something bigger than humankind and its still unknown. and you look at all the religions you will find that mostly all of them have same stories, people and facts, just bit amended  to their culture.  so to explain a bit, here is internet definition of agnosticism # Agnosticism is the view that the existence of God, of the divine or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable. Another definition provided is the view that "human reason is incapable of providing sufficient rational grounds to justify either the belief that God exists or the belief that God does not exist."  and no, atheist is not the same. heres couple of pictures giving some insights 

so now that we have that sorted out i would like to stress out that i never had anything against people who believe in god or dont believe in god, i have friends who are strong believers and friends who are atheist, its just called being adult and accepting people as they are. not enough people can do that. 

so i did lots of research on religions and i do like polytheism  ( Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities, which are usually assembled into a pantheon of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals) so i always had huge interest in roman and Greek deities, Egyptian as well and for a while was reading about Hinduism. of course i read a lot about all other older civilizations and most of them are based on polytheism. 

during my exploring i came across a doctrine about paganism (havent fully finished all the books and here is a link if anyone would be interested in buying https://despot-infinitus.com/proizvod/paganizam-u-teoriji-i-praksi-doktrina-paganizma/) and i really liked the whole idea of it and i am still actively considering of becoming a white witch/wicca and reading those books inspired adding bit more on my pentagram tattoo, which is actually representing five elements so with added moons it represents triple goddess symbol.

many people ask me is that devils sign and am i a satanist, and that is ridiculous assumption based on only one symbol. and as a matter of fact i have been  reading about satanism itself as well (of course i have) and its quite surprisingly peaceful religion and makes more sense than christianity does. to read more about their rules (which are way better than 10 commandments) click here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism#Basic_tenets

those who know me a bit better know that i love paranormal stuff and that i have strong connection with it and that caused a lot of paranormal experiences in my life (i bring all the ghosts to your yard aaayyy) so i recently also discovered demonology ( Demonology is the study of demons or beliefs about demons. They may be human, or nonhuman, separable souls, or discarnate spirits which have never inhabited a body.) and that you can actually learn how to practice it and cant lie that also interests me as well as you contact demons and entities and you work together to learn about world and history and you give them chance to peacefully experience the world (they literally posses you and that way they get to taste food and emotions etc)

yes this is quite informative post as well. and yes, you will all probably deem me insane after reading all this. and what i noticed is that all of them mentioned above work on the principle of cooperation, you have to give to receive. and i dont mean like you have to make blood sacrifices to get your wishes, i mean you have to put in some effort in it and show good intentions and most important of all  - you have to show some respect.

so to finally get to the reason why you are all here. manifestation and law of attraction.

there were loads of instances in my life where i noticed small details that most of people wouldnt notice and after googling them one word kept coming up - universe. so automatically when you start look into that law of attraction and manifestation  come up as well, they all g hand in hand like little happy family.

So law of attraction is something you all definitely had experience with. Basically its what you put out to the world is what you get. Simple change of mindset can change everything in your life. Have you noticed when you are happy and spreading happiness everything around you seems nicer, people are nicer to you, nice things happen and then when you are in bad mood everything is going bad.

Sounds familiar? That is law of attraction for you people. you’re releasing/giving good vibes to the atmosphere and people around you so universe makes sure to give good things back. notice that give and take relationship here? Dont be fooled tho, its not always as simple as it sounds. it is especially hard when you get into that deep hole of feeling bad a and depressed. it is really hard to change your train of thoughts and get yourself to think positive. universe wont award you for one good thought, it has to be series of it and you really need to feel them. you truly need to be in a good moment to get something back from universe.

say thank you to people serving you, ask people how are they, show that you care, pick up a paper from street and throw it in a bin, smile to everyone, pet a random animal on a street, anything counts. and dont do it just because you expect something huge from universe as most of the time universe will give back with good things as well, someone will help you, smeone will compliment you, you’ll get free cup of coffee, just random things like that. you will be surprised that good things will come to you in a moment you need. it also makes you more grateful for everything in your life and makes your everyday nicer and more positive.

then we come to manifestation. 

thiiiiiis my people is bit more complicated than just law of attraction, but one without other does not go. there is no definition of the manifestation, but it is a fact that if you want something really bad universe will give it to you. i had universe manifest so many of my things that i wanted, just took a bit of time. maybe it has happened for you too. sit and think how many things did you wish for and you have them now? there are certainly more than few things that come to your mind. i can easily name at least 10 things that universe manifested for me without even realizing that was it.

there are many ways to manifest something and it is impossible for me to write everything about it in this post as it is bit more complicated than law of attraction, but i will try to outline some things and believe me when you google manifestation you will find loads of examples and you can read for days about it. 

every single wish you want to manifest you can, it just requires some work and that is the hardest part. there are many ways of manifesting something, scribbling, drawing, visualizing, meditating and many more - you need to find something that works the best for you. you need to have clear vision of what you want (general idea wont work), you have to want it really strongly and you need to start working towards it, even little steps - remember when i said you have to give to receive, same with universe. it wont just drop it in your lap because you decided it would be beneficial for you. 

and have in mind very important thing universe will always provide and it will give you what you deserve when you are ready for it.

so yes, it means it can take waaaay longer than you expect it, it may not be hours, days it may be years, it just means that you are not ready for it yet but that doesnt mean universe is not working on bringing it to you. all the work you put into it will definitely be worth it.

for example i fell in love in marketing in university and always wanted a job in that field. it did not get easy to me at all. i spent long five years applying for the jobs and either getting rejections or no answer. and believe me that could put me in such bad mood sometimes that i just wanted to give up on everything. add to that anxiety struggles and that makes it even harder. and as mentioned in the last year i worked on myself mentally, my anxiety has been on lower levels for a while and it does spike up now and then and it messes things up, but i’ve been happier mentally then i ever was in last 5 years and towards end of the last year more and more good things started to come my way and then i finally got that long awaited job.

i am still looking a proper way to thank universe for making it happen for me as that is also important thing for manifestation.

going to use myself as example - being a cheerleader, moving to another country, going to enrique iglesias concerts, visiting loch ness and Neuschwanstein Castle and many more were just big wishes at one point and so far they all came true and i couldnt be happier. it can be small things as well, once i tried to test it and i wanted to manifest a drink date. so i kept thinking how i will go for a drink with someone next week. and it happened, next week i went for a drink with a guy i just met, completely unexpectedly. i didnt specify anything else other than gooing for a drink at that was the only thing that happened.

once wished for more money (also nothing specific stupid me haha) and after two days i found €5 on the floor. not much but universe did provide what i wanted :D

as i’ve said, manifestation is more complicated than law attraction and requires strong mind and strong will, so not only that you get what you wish and work for - it makes you a better person as well! To end this i am going to leave couple of links you can visit and see more about them, or if you’re more adventurous just google manifestation and enjoy your journey :) https://medium.com/thrive-global/9-principles-of-conscious-manifestation-3d2df7a4a87

https://elysesantilli.com/what-is-manifestation/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/manifestation/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZNFXNnKOLdA5ZD7Sn2p5aQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvptCAXYmDZMOffniGRfomQ/videos

[bigskydreaming]

I’m so mad, I’m so.....fuck. I feel like this doctor had no intention of ever doing this surgery because its like ever since I actually CAME UP with the money, its been one thing after another about why I need to do this still or that, and it feels like they kept stalling or trying to get me to give up, like....idk, nothing I come up with makes SENSE, all I know is they were perfectly fine and helpful in getting me a diagnosis and scans, and then sent me off after I did the final molds/impressions and said the only thing left was they couldn’t move forward until I paid x amount of money...and then I did, and all of a sudden its oh that’s not the right amount, I don’t know who quoted you that (umm you) but actually we need 20K up front because insurance claims can’t be submitted until after treatment and we might not be reimbursed (which again, then why did YOU make me wait to send my insurance preauthorization requests if your policy is to make patients pay in full upfront and wait for reimbursement which...what)...and THEN if there was STILL never a chance of me getting this surgery without paying in full upfront, why did they make me wait around for another week and a half while we waited on getting my insurance approve an access to care form that made this doctor in network (previously she was out of network for my insurance, but I had my insurance check for in network providers and there’s no one in network within a 100 miles of me who does this specific surgery)....like, if even being in network, they still weren’t going to take Blue Shield’s formal, written letter detailing what exactly was covered under my plan and they were intending to pay out....WHY WAIT FOR THIS FORM TO GO THROUGH AND GET THE LETTER BACK AT ALL????

It makes NO fucking sense. I feel like they never expected me to actually be able to come up with the money and idk what, like, she actually doesn’t know how to do the surgery or she doesn’t fucking doesn’t like me or want to or what like, lmfao I don’t even know, it MAKES NO SENSE.

But of course, its super obvious they were putting off calling me and hoping they could ride out the clock and I wouldn’t call today because I can tell the office manager doesn’t like being the go between and having to only give me bad news, but like, tough, that’s your fucking job, and maybe if you’d been a little less ‘gentle’ about it and just flat out admitted you guys were never gonna fucking do this surgery for me, I wouldn’t have WASTED an entire fucking month sitting on my ass, draining my account of money I can’t afford to waste, because my shitty jaw has progressed to the point where I can barely sleep, barely even eat because I have to manually fucking close it with my hand when I chew anything harder than rice, lmfao, and just....

God. The only thing I can think of to do now is try calling every other oral/maxillofacial surgeon in the county and see if they can do these procedures and accept my insurance. I know there’s no in network ones, and I already checked and my insurance can’t help me find a list of out of network ones, I have to basically just google every oral surgeon in LA and even though they’re all apparently out of network if they’re able to perform this surgery at all, I can at least probably get them in network by doing an access to care form again with them too, like since clearly this doctor turned out to not be a viable option? Idek man. Ugh. Jfc. And who knows how long this is gonna take. Ugh if they’d at least just fucking owned up to it and just called me this morning when they decided this still didn’t change shit, I could have had all day to be calling other offices instead of waiting for them to call and hoping this time at least they were aware enough of my DESPERATE FUCKING SENSE OF URGENCY BECAUSE HAVE I MENTIONED CONSTANT FUCKING OWWWWW AND ALSO HEY MY COMPLETE INABILITY TO FUNCTION IN ANY KIND OF MEASURABLY PRODUCTIVE WAY??? that they’d actually KEEP their word this time about calling when they said they’d call.

Now of course, none of these places are open on Saturday from the looks of it, so I won’t even be able to START calling around until Monday, and ugh. jfc. why. why the fuck did they string me along all fucking month if they knew at the end of it all no matter what, they weren’t gonna budge from trying to get me to pay 20K upfront, out of pocket, like I hadn’t told them from the START there was no way I could manage that, and hadn’t told them AGAIN when they TOOK my fucking money in the first place, when I paid them the $6,200 they INITIALLY told me would be my downpayment for this surgery, like I told them THEN that getting the loan for $10K in order to come up with the EXACT amount they specified took every bit of goodwill I could wring out of a lender with the credit I do have and there was ZERO chance of me coming up with ANYTHING more than that amount upfront....so why the fuck didn’t they tell me at least THEN when they ‘corrected’ me on the amount that it didn’t matter HOW MANY fucking hoops I jumped through with my insurance to try and get this doctor the reassurance or surety that they’d be reimbursed for x amount by Blue Shield...like....I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING ALL THIS A GODDAMN MONTH AGO. I’ve been waiting TWO YEARS for a fix to this shit that affects EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of my life, I FINALLY got a fucking diagnosis, a doctor who told me she could fix it, who said she could restore full function and wipe out the problems I have from it completely, no more headaches, no more pain, no more vertigo, no more nerve flareups....and now turns out I’ve wasted ANOTHER full month that got me not a single fucking step closer to this being DONE and FIXED and like.....

I’m so mad. And just. So frustrated. And SO. FUCKING. TIRED. Jfc. I hate them, I really fucking do, like they literally just fucking don’t give a shit no matter how many times I really fucking calmly and civilly lol tried to express how much it gets worse every single day like it has been CONSISTENTLY for the past two years, like never fucking plateauing, no matter HOW bad I think its gotten, it ALWAYS fucking manages to find a way to surprise me when I wake up the next day and yet AGAIN its somehow managed to shift so things are just enough different I NEVER get a chance to even get used to a ‘new normal’ and just fucking adjust to it, as shitty as it might be....ugh. God. I’m just.

LMFAO I honestly think right now I hate this doctor more than the fucking gay-bashers who caused this fucking drama by kicking me in the goddamn face over and over 15 fucking years ago and if THAT’S not hysterically fucked up I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IS.

Anyway. So that’s my mood tonight, how’s everyone else doing? LOL.

This might be a longshot, but on the off chance that ANYONE knows or is friends with or related to an oral surgeon or oral maxillofacial surgeon in the greater LA area, like, this specifically is what I’ve been told I need to get done:

I need a Mandibular splint, a Total joint surgery on the left tmj (Temporomandibular joint) and an Orthognathic surgery. They specifically ruled out that I didn’t need a jaw replacement surgery because I have enough of the original bone that goes in that joint like, still there, so I didn’t actually need to get a prosthetic joint or the jaw replacement surgery which is apparently riskier and less effective anyway? Idek. If I can even trust anything they told me at this point, lmfao, but let’s just assume I can because not sure this fucker’s depression hour can handle thinking I might have to start back from square one NOPE NOT GONNA HAPPEN NOT THIS GUY I FUCKING REFUSE.

LOL as though my objections have any fucking effect on any of this anyway. BUT I DIGRESS. So yeah, that’s what I supposedly need done, I actually have really fucking good and expensive Blue Shield insurance that I’ve gouged myself a new asshole getting and keeping this year, not to mention needed donation posts and help with that just to still ultimately scrape by and not lose it, all specifically because I knew there was not a chance in hell I could ever afford the treatment I was being told I needed, like, out of pocket, and the irony is due to how expensive living out of a motel is and how like, I couldn’t afford to take any money AWAY from my many doctor visits in order to at any point this past year come up with enough money to put first and last month’s rent down on an apartment (and I look too much like a tweaker apparently, with constant twitches and fidgets and fixing my jaw, for like, anybody to want to just rent a room to me apparently, and even giving them the full story ended up seeming like “im too much drama” hahahaha oh LA I fucking HEART you sometimes), so there was never really any fucking alternative TO living out of motels currently, at least not until I can manage to stay upright on my feet long enough to get a part time job and use that to get a permanent address around here.....AND bottom line is in order to take in enough money from work and then ultimately from help with donations too, in order to keep my motels paid daily and not get kicked out and still manage to eat at least every other day....that was just enough money that it looks from my bank account that I make too much to need or justify Medicare taking on all this for me, ruling that out as an option, even though none of that money in my bank account was ever fucking LEFT by the end of each day after paying rent/food, and I usually only had like three bucks in my account by the time I went to bed each night....doesn’t fucking matter because lolol all they give a shit about is your MONTHLY statements. And I’m well past the point where I can even manage busing all the way around LA to downtown and shit in order to make the daily trips required to get Medicare offices to eventually give enough of a fuck to hear me out, like...a five minute bus ride to Best Buy today to buy a replacement keyboard for this laptop practically wiped me out ahahaha.

Anyway, I’m just venting and purging like I do. Don’t worry, I promise not to actually go supernova and ignite the atmosphere like I threatened earlier, that was all for show, we all know I’m WAY too petty and spiteful an asshole to ever settle for anything less than full fucking victory here and then like...eventual world domination because lol not like I’m letting those frathole rapist gaybasher fuck-offs WIN, like, have you MET me? I have survived this long on ire and spite, I will make it as far as I need to its, just...

*pathetic whines*

I dont fucking waaaaaaaaaaaaant to, I’m tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired, I wanna go to beeeeeeeeed.

Anyway, yeah. So if anyone like, is related to one of those surgical types or KNOWS someone who is, like, my good fucking insurance is set up to pay for having the operation done at Cedars fucking Sinai no matter who does it, like, as long as the doctor has any kind of pre-existing relationship with them, enough to get them to book an OR for them, I guess? I still dont fucking know how all this works, apparently Grey’s Anatomy is not an accurate source, who knew, how dare.

Like but yeah, the endpoint of that particular stream of consciousness vomit was if anyone knows ANYONE who knows ANYTHING about ANY of that surgical medicalese blah blah blah that I posted, like...my anons are open, feel free to pop in with a name and number or suggestion or referral or whatever the fuck, I will take ANY connection no matter how flimsy if it exists at all, I don’t care if its your second grade teacher’s dog’s veterinarians second cousin by marriage’s roommate. That’s GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.