#but i cant really say anything because itll just cause problems and 'thats just how they are'

[ghost-of-someone]

🦋

[bicon-crange]

can the nosey ones know abt ur crush? :3c dw if not. my condolences (positive)

yeah sure why not i cant stop fucking talking about it anyways.

iiii dont know if its necessarily a crush though!! definitely an obsession. definitely some kind of. fixation. thanks for your condolences i definitely fucking need them. TT-TT )

its like. uh. this person i know whos sooo articulate and smart and. theyre really sweet. yknow BASIC SHIT. theyre great everyone likes them.

anyways when we first started talking it was like. some kinda. there was clashing. i guess is how you could put it? but every time we finished talking i felt soo like. electrified. like buzzing. like my whole body was just shaking. adrenaline? maybe?

i really thought at first that it was just a friendly interest. some sort of.. y'know intellectual thing! you meet someone whos so much smarter than you and whos ideas are so well put together and who thinks YOU'RE interesting and of course you want to know more of how their brain works of course youre. captivated a bit yknow? thats like. normal. to feel. i think.

oh the first couple times we talked i went so nuts! i reread over our convos like a thousand times and reiterated our talks several times to EVERYONE in my house. its so actually embarrassing. but they were good convos you HAAAVE to understand. it was like. ducking weaving. it was like. some sort of mental exercise . and i thought it was like. normal. but it just kept. HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING.

and i tell you what this was a lot easier a month or so ago when i was like I JUST REALLY LIKE TALKING TO THIS PERSON!! ^_^ (<- STILL A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY) cause ugh. lately its like. ever since the thought popped in my head that this interest MIIIGHT be romantic in nature its. ALLLL DAY thinking about them its so nuts! its so constant!! its literally like a fucking DISEASE... i feel like. angry over it? spiteful? almost? it reminds me of when i had a crush on a guy in elementary school and I didnt know how to handle it so i beat the hell out of him with a lunch box.

like im over here forgetting shit left and right and messing up basic conversation skills and having heart palpitations and theyre like. fine probably. iiii honestly dont think they even think about me lol. i mean definitely not as much as i am,easy, because im totally insane and obsessive i know this.

we also dont talk so much! its not very often! so yeah im sure they dont think about me as much. im even definitely sure if i ever verbalized this it wouldnt work out. ive visualized them turning me down like 20 different ways for 20 different reasons just today. lots of reasons yknow! im mentally unwell and totally nuts, im immature and also very ugly im unable to carry out a meaningful relationship because of my chronic pain problems and various health issues, all of that is fine but my obsessive nature is really freaky,LD relationships are a no-go, they just dont like me that way, ect ect ect.

its sooo stupid. its SO middle school. they type a response to me and i can barely look at the screen. i feel SO fucking stupid its insane. im like. going to claw my eyes out of my head and chew on them till they burst. i hate it here. and its never going to be reciprocated whatsoever so im literally not even going to try.

BESIDES Y'KNOW!! I DONT EVEN KNOW FOR SURE IF THATS WHAT IM FEELING!! its been wracking my brain for a week straight!! its like. am i just fascinated on an intellectual level, am i just interested in an anthropological sense, are these just really good conversations, if this just normal friendship and im making things super weird? am i just excited that someone seems to get what im saying about what im interested in? yknow. dumb.

either way TLDR; im waiting for it to pass. either I'll sort my own feelings out or itll pass! if its infatuation, GOOD, that has a expiration date of 1-2 years so i will just box it up and not think about it and not do anything about it. ^_^ )9 and it WILL die. BUT if you know how to force that process to go along faster let me KNOW.

[bitternanami]

i didnt really understand why the yellowjackets s2 finale was called 'storytelling' when the scene where a story gets told is so short, and gets interrupted right as it starts anyway. not just that, but the name seemingly has nothing to do with the adult timeline at all.

but i think its supposed to be a reminder that a Story Getting Told can encompass a lot more than the plot of a movie or a fairy tale, and that a close-watch will emphasize that larger notion, saying things that arent true in a way that makes it feel as though they are. that they might as well be. self-deception, in other words. storytelling.

(spoilers for both seasons under cut)

what im finding is that van is getting to be really thematically important. even from the start, she never ever ever stops contextualizing her experiences thru stories, not from the point they crashed up to now, because media makes Sense, a narrative makes Sense, and what the team is going through now doesnt but she can force it to anyway if she just frames it right.

she asks taissa and herself why shes survived all of these things, because she doesnt know what the next narrative beat is for herself. van cant figure out an outline and its incredibly upsetting for her because her still being here Has to foreshadow something. there MUST be a meaning to it. finding that meaning is the only way she knows how to cope with this.

but by this point van has already found meaning, because to the group, she now embodies an idea. she has from the start: shes the storyteller. shes where everyone turns for escapism. shes the one to tell people what they need to hear to make things fit into a narrative, a cause-and-effect, springboarded from the things lottie is perceiving.

we see this in her scene with travis most obviously, and its chilling, and its exciting, because she understands what shes supposed to do, now. finally, she has a narrative for herself, and shes going to lean into it as hard as she can.

iirc van is the first person to use the phrase 'the wilderness chose' in response to death (they all chose, it was easier like this. all of them are capable of killing a child, and they could try to grapple with that and reconcile that with their senses of self, but the toll would be immense. what van is saying makes much more sense.) thats the story they all keep telling each other, telling themselves, over and over and over. the forest itself wanted this, we didnt make this decision, it wasnt us, it wasnt us, its not our fault.

and then, years later, the story goes: we can separate ourselves from the people we were back then. we can live our lives like none of this happened at all. (is it any wonder that taissa, queen of willfully ignoring her problems, still feels so comfortable with van, even with decades of separation between them)

so the throughline, then, is that theyre all still telling that story, and it feels realer than anything else theyre experiencing. realer than simone or sammy or jeff or adam or jessica felt, certainly. they let themselves believe it up until the point where they cant anymore. the truth catches up with them at the same time that the violence does--it falls on one of their own, a teammate, at the hands of another one, right in front of their eyes. its hard to make the story fit right, after that. when season 3 happens, itll be interesting to see whether they continue to try anyway

[archer3-13]

Someone was dumb enough kind enough to get me pokemon violet this christmas so i guess i am gonna be playin it and gettin the 'inside scoop' on the pokemon companys latest game. For clarifications sake the last pokemon game i really bothered to sit down and complete was oras and thats only because oras was a remake of gen3. otherwise the last mainline one ive gone out of the way for is xy.

thoughts!

i appreciate the effort to cinematography, it helps breath a bit more life into the affair then there might otherwise have been

on the other hand the game runs like ass, which you could arguably say is a good indication of the ambition the pokemon companys going for this time... but i would argue back that its just the game being poorly optimized cause overall well its all rather ambitious i havent seen anything that feels too far outside the switches capabilities so far.

nemonas a treat, shes got that slight edge of barrys insanity but its a bit more balanced with calmer moments so that she doesnt feel quite as overwhelming as barry could

is catching easier in this game? cause it feels real easy so far to catch in this game, practically nabbed the whole lot of pokemon in the 'tutorial area' before hitting the school

i appreciate the game introducing terrestalizing the way it does, having nemona use it against you before letting you enjoy it. it helps demonstrate how well its quite the powerful new gimmick to use, its not invincible and can be beaten if ya play it smart

that said the ai for battles is feeling particularly rock stupid this time around. hopefully that'll change when things go on, but if nemonas response to having her pokemon wake up on red health with already 3 workups behind it, is to go for another workup as ralts erases it from existence immediately afterwards... im not confident itll get much better from there.

neither penny or backpack boy leave much of an impression so far. cant even remember backpack boys name.

it definitely feels like theres some form of response to criticisms of pokemons previous outings going on here, how a lot of the gens after xy were seeming to get increasingly hand holdy to the point of gen8 having the player around as a side piece to its actual plot. here the reins are taken off pretty heavily even just in the tutorial section and they really wanna emphasize how its 'your choice' on what ya do.

that said, the fact that theres 8 gym challenges but only 5 star bases and 5 titan pokemon makes me irrationally angry cause they arent all 8 apiece. hopefully they still all feel substantial enough that it doesnt become an actual problem...

the tutorial section as it were both lasts too long, yet feel too short in my opinion. cause mechanically you can get all the stuff the game teaches ya here out in a much shorter timeframe/area. but on the other it doesnt feel quite as immersive as i think they were going for to draw me in?

i like that even in the school setting child endangerment is just the accepted status quo of things. turns out even if red and blue were in school they'd still have a better then 0 chance of being killed by super powered monsters.

idk, maybe its the abysmal expectations i had going in but im digging this more then i thought i would. if the game ran more consistently and didn't... glitch out in a lot of places i'd probably be even more hooked into the experience.

they shoulda given you a cylcazar as a 'ride slave' instead of the box legendary to start with, especially if were just gonna keep the legendary out of battle 'till yer tough enough' regardless. that way you could have the legendary as a reward for say, completing the titans quest.

[trilies]

That he lived through the Satanic Panic and yet still uses the argument of

"this fictional thing causes REAL LIFE HARM"

is kind of embarrassing tbh.

"DND causes satanism!" "Video games cause violence!" "Yaoi makes people gay!" "This niche area of fanfiction causes grooming!"

Like it's just a smokescreen to ignore the actual issues behind grooming and what would help stop it. Much like how "video games cause violence" ignored the terrible state of mental health help and how bullying works, so to does this do nothing for the actual issues at hand.

As for your tags:

(1) #bro people saying its a slippery slope to censoring everything#and that itll lead to censorship of everything like gay stuff in general

It's only a "slippery slope" argument when we haven't seen it happen.

A conservative Christian alt-right group called "Warriors For Innocence" once looked at a sited called Livejournal and got really angry about a lot of the people there. So they contacted LJ to say "hey, you have a lot of pedophilia on your site, here are the groups and users that are a problem".

So LJ deleted those groups.

....Except those groups turned out to be majority innocent. Like slash writing groups. And lolita fashion groups. And groups where rape and CSA victims could comfort each other. Many others besides.

So we know that flagrantly misusing "pedophilia" as a cudgel has had negative effects.

And that's not even going into everything else that's wrong with that argument.

(2) #my dude did you just admit you cant tell the difference between a gay person and a pedo? because thats what they imply wheb they say that

No. But we have eyes, and we can see that -for example - Republicans sure seem to like calling a lot of things "pedophilia" that they just don't like. Anything to do with gay couples, whatever boogeyman they decide "critical race theory" is, accurate history books...

So you could see why some people would have a problem with people like bogleech recklessly calling anyone who disagrees with him a pedophile.

....Especially when one of those people was trans (you know, one of the groups that gets called "pedo" just for existing) and they were discussing how censorship affects queer media.

Bogleech is actually doing what you're accusing everyone else of.

(3) #this is exactly what im saying i dont think people should just be able to look on the surface web for this stuff…….. like you shouldn't#you shouldbt be able to fucking google cp even if it's fiction???? why is this an issue???

Here's the problem - okay there's actually a few problems

First of all, as I've stated multiple times, there's no factually based connection to icky fanfic and, like... actual harm. This may shock you to hear, but there's effectively no difference between vanilla porn (used WAY MORE to groom people) and niche icky fanfic.

Additionally, you do realize that, by doing this, you're helping silence survivors, right? Because this means we can't talk or write about our trauma at ALL.

I've heard from people who wrote very serious and sincere fiction to do with CSA, but still had comments from people talking about the eroticism. There's an entire article that talks about how only certain kinds of survivors are allowed to write, and anything that isn't picture Perfect Victim is.... stoned in the town square.

It's this article, by the way. "Who Gets to Write About Sexual Abuse, and What Do We Let Them Say?" by Erin Spampinato on Electric Literature.

(4) #theres a difference between pokemon is secretly making kids satanists and hey normalizing child x adult relationships has had tangible#efftcs on people#LIKE MEEEEEE! :D#i really wish! people didnt act like child and adult was so hot! because i fucking did it as a kid because of that you fucking freaks

First of all, you have my sympathies, but.... You're not going to like to hear this, but your groomer would have used anything. If it wasn't that kind of fiction, they would have used something else (just plain vanilla porn has been cited as one of the most common things) or they would have TWISTED something else.

(Many other CSA survivors who've criticized bogleech have pointed out that his "solution" wouldn't have done anything for them, because their abusers just used their interests and fandoms, no matter how SFW and tame.)

So, yeah. What would have helped you - what will help plenty of other people if we can just push for it more instead of playing blame game on other CSA victims - is better sex education. Better internet education. Better education on the red flags of grooming.

Because it focuses on the method, not the unreliable and ever changing tool.

it fucking sucks bc i genuinely enjoy his creative content, awful hospital specifically is very good, but his weird insistence that Certain Immoral Art has a unique, direct effect on real actual life that other dark art lacks has just ruined it for me

Yeah, i was never a follower of his, anon, but it sucks he was ruined for you.

It's just weird how some of the people who should get how Satanic Panic this all is (horror people, furries) suddenly get blinders on. Oh well.

[toutallyahoe]

hi!! could you do some soft hannibal or will hcs? or some soft remus lupin hcs? if not thats fine!

a/n: ayyyyyy

first off i just want to say sorry for not posting a lot these days. shit happened here but now im back (for now) to do hcs!

second off, yall are gonna hate me for this but i dont actually watch hannibal soooo, i dont know how to write for him and such... but remus lupin? fahajshwheahakhd gotchu

third off, high school/past au because i just want to write remus being goofy and also a bit anxious on his nature

anyways, onto the hcs!

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

remus never thought he'll fall in love really

he was more focused on trying to stop his chaotic friends from causing more mayhem but get dragged into it

and his small problem being a warewolf to keep secret

besides, remus has some high expectations even if he doesnt want to admit it

remus would like someone to be soft and caring

loving him and be understanding towards his little warewolf problem (if he tells them)

and most important, he may not have thought about his partner's gender as he was more going to focused on personality really, but still, remus would have liked a female partner

so, imagine his surprise when he caught feelings on a certain [hogwarts house] boy the same year as him?

remus was confused at first

he didnt know what he was feeling and his friends noticed it

remus didnt really want to confide with them, but he knew sooner or later, theyll find out eventually like how they discovered his secret

so, he told them his confusing feelings

and let me tell you, the three boys looked at him confused at first until they looked each other with shit eating grins

well, sirius and james have those shit eating grins while peter looked a bit excited at him

"guess potter isnt the only lovesick puppy huh?" sirius teased as the three began to laugh

until james realized sirius was saying he was a "lovesick puppy" towards lily, which immediately made him shout a unamused "hey! i do not!"

as sirius and james began to banter at each other and peter was trying to be the peacemaker, remus took a second to process what his friend just said

until the realization hit in and made remus red and stuttering mess

remus was in denial, to the amusement of his friends

he cant be!

he wasnt gay— not that being gay is a problem or anything, he never just expected him to be one

he didnt like [name] like that way, right???

he barely knew the guy!!!

remus was in denial for a few days until his friend had snapped some sense to him

by literally dragging [name] to their lunch table

they didnt care if [name] was in another house or not, they still dragged his ass over and made him sit next to remus who was having an internal breakdown

apparently sirius, james and peter decided to be remus' wingman, even if remus didnt want them too

but anyways

sirius, james and peter would ask [name] questions as they ate, wanting to getting to know their future buddy and trying to slip remus in the conversation

they thought they were slick at it, but nope!

they arent

"so [name]? watcha like to do?"

"oh, well i like literatur—"

"you know, our buddy remus likes books too!"

"really? thats nice. i also like chocolat—"

"chocolates?!? wow! our buddy o pal remus has a massive sweet tooth, did you know that?"

"maybe you both could go to honeydukes together this weekend!"

they were that bad

they werent subtle at all

remus is just internally suffering

why was his friends like this?

why was he even friends with them?

remus was super embarrassed but to his utter surprise— [name] actually seemed to be down on visiting honeydukes with him to buy some sweets

of course, [name] didnt really think on it other than a friendly hang out (at first)

but to the three, this was the start to hook their beloved puppy remus to [name]

it took a while but [name] and remus' relationship grown closer and a few months, they finally got together

it almost took a year for them to realize their feeling for each other (remus and [name]) if it wasnt for that mistletoe accident in the greathall on christmas day

sirius and james were bragging that they were the ones to have placed those mistletoe there

but thats a lie

peter did and the two placed mistletoes in other rooms

peter was the smart one to put a mistletoe under above the entrance of the door while sirius and james literally decorated every corner of the great hall with mistletoe because apparently they thought it would made sure remus and [name] would kiss

and that james was also trying to get a kiss from lily under those mistletoes too because it was "romantic" and that itll make her definitely "fall in love" with him

but anyways, [name] was soft for remus and remus was soft for [name]

the two only have little bumps in their relationship but mostly, they try to understand each other and hear one another out

remus always liked their tradition on winter to cuddle in front of the fireplace in the gryffindor common room

remus prefers to be the small spoon but wouldnt mind cuddling [name] too

he likes to be held since he could snuggle and hear [name]'s calming heartbeat

of course those moments are sometimes destroyed by his friends inserting themselves to their cuddle sessions

but remus wouldnt have it either way

[name] doesnt mind aswell

it was annoying at first but over time, he grown fond of remus' friends

another sweet thing that [name] does that makes remus so soft is that [name] makes sure that he is loved

[name] seems to noticed when he is down and will always give him a soft peck on his forehead, embrace him tightly and mutter how much he is adored

[name] also doesnt questions on the scars he had obtained over his little problem

in fact, [name] just reminds him that [name] loves him so much

[name] makes him feel loved and always tell him that he is beautiful in [name]'s eyes

when remus told [name] about him being a warewolf

remus was terrified and thought [name] leave him

but this guy was so full of surprises

[name] was a bit shock and was quiet for a while, but then he just embraces remus tightly and running his hands over remus' hair and whispers he still loves remus no matter what

remus cried that day

what have he even done to deserve [name]?

he doesnt know but he was happy to meet the guy who loves him, even with all his flaws

remus was sure [name] was the one and he hopes he'll get to be a [last name] in the far future

[cloudy-dayys]

obsessed w ur clef headcanons. do u have any more u can share? (luv ur art btw <333)

i would kill everyone on this planet for you and then myself tysm 💙💙

more clef headcanons (i will not be referencing 4231 in any of my clef posts just because that is very triggering for me, instead im gonna say he and 166's mom met one day when clef was in his late 20s, shit happened (ya know, they fucked), and boom he had to go and kill her and take 166)

#

· he was never really a child or teen, he was just a monster that happened to break into the foundation's reality one day (i say this bc i cant really imagine him as a child or teen, he's more monster than human and we may never know if he was a normal human that adopted these powers or came from smth else)

· he is both a reality bender and anchor, more so using his bending powers more

· he has many forms, whether the 'human' one is his true one or not is still a mystery, seeing as those he may not be showing his true capabilities or if he has another twisted form that is a lot more powerful

· he may be a rival of kondraki and they hate each other's guts, but he still respects him a lot. clef even met draven (kondraki's son) and admires how konny is a good dad, so he only gives kondraki a hard time and doesn't actually dislike him (clef 🤝 kondraki: good dads and clef finds it cute)

· more than anything, he wants to take meri out on a dad and daughter day. go to the movies, the mall, buy her anything she likes, etcetc. he thinks she deserves to be spoiled rotten (and she does!!)

· but he really dislikes how his daughter is super christian, so if she ever finds out he may be the devil or even states he could be anything satanic or sinful, it wont be pretty on her side

· his face isnt that comprehendible until u personally get closer to him. if ur a complete stranger to him, its impossible to directly look at his face without some sort of problem. it'll seem like static or as if nothing is there, and itll make u want to look away since its too much for ur brain to handle (can make people have headaches or their eyes sore). if ur a pal or a well known enemy of his, you'll see some features like his sharp and terrifying grin, and sometimes his 3rd eye (which will make anybody be in distress)

· he, surprisingly, has a great voice. what makes up for his lack of face or any horrifying features is his voice. sometimes you'll hear him hum a melody or quietly sing a song in his office, he sings more calming songs than anything energetic. if ur lucky enough he'll hop his ukulele out and start singing a wonderful and peaceful song

· he loves guns, but not in a weird way. back to my first headcanon, once he entered this reality and had a somewhat stable form, the minute he found out theres metal shiny things you can hold that make loud kaboom sounds and have many varieties hes like "holy shit!?!? that is so cool!!!!!!!" and its really his comfort item. he usually goes to any open range and practices bc it is a great distraction and he loves holdin em (like a stim!). he cleans em regularly, like a hobby of some sorts

· he's made his own songs before, but he keeps em in private. he may sing em for his daughter though!

· hes more in touch with anomalous beings then regular humans, cause every anomaly thats been locked up by the foundation can relate on something

· "hm. this small anomalous child has no (good) parental figure in their life? well that is clearly my child now. i am their new dad"

· he is very intelligent, you can never prank, trick, or pull any game on him. he can read gestures and cues very easily, and can pick up any weird vibes or feelins within his area

· hes definitely an anarchist, i dont make the rules

· he sometimes wishes he can live a normal life ina suburb home with an amazing s/o and his beautiful daughter and they live happily ever after. then he proceeds with "well where the hell is the fun in that?"

· he has yet to comprehend human emotions, mental illnesses or neurodivergency, he may be able to trick and mess with someone in their head, but being able to fully comprehend human feelings and such is far out of his abilities. maybe one day though

· mess with his friends or family? hes already at ur house bud. there's no saving ur miserable life now

· the infamous 'dr clef can't be affected by anomalous things or properties' still holds very true. he can be affected by 166's powers tho!

· he speaks 4-ish other languages: old greek/latin, german and french. he can gladly try and take up more languages tho, they amaze him!

#

i have more but i dont want to make this too long and borin for others lol

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[teddy-feathers]

look my problem with the au megamind where Roxanne is the alien and megamind is the reporter is i cant stop thinking about what i want out of that and how its probably not what other people want out of that which should mean 'oh shit i gotta write it' but really means 'in the next couple of months im going to rewatch megamind and be extremely frustrated because idk how to write these people as is let alone in an au'

but here are some thoughts

Itd have to take place on megaminds home world so like. have to develop that culture and frame it as the usual and other things as oddities

metroman still shows up at the same time the baby human does

roxan richie and metromans rivalry is less of a game and more of a metroman one up'd her ome to many times so now shes gotta take him out

its fine not because shes incompetent- in fact her death rays and pointy sticks are ingenious and have 0% public property or civilian causalities - but because metroman is not only impossible to kill, he adapts to anything that gets close (anything that doesnt kill him makes him stronger literally)

i guess this means theres a good chunk of the story that is centered around human adaptability vs perfect hero dudes adaptability

Roxanne Ritchie is actually a noted scientist or something at the local research facility - i figure blue people planet is really advanced and everyones at least a little technosmart but while it doesnt come as easily or naturally to Roxanne her way of thinking is really unique n shiz and shes an asset to every team....

but if you see her in a mask with some project from the lab macguivered into a gun trying to kill metroman well, no ones getting hurt and humans need hobbies and everyone respects the mask desptie the fact shes the ONLY human on the planet so its not like its hard to figure out who she is

she does spend a lot of nights having to rebuild projects and apologizing and such but basically everyone plays the plausible deniability card and asks her questions abiut what went wrong and okay so the masked menace failed after you let them steal our project but lets pretend for a moment the goal was to fix crops how would you say this did? and grumply shed revamp the guns weird side effect into an alien pollinating crop duster or whatever

got carried away when REALLY all I WANTED to say was

Whille Roxanne Ritchie is adaptable ingenuity and gets away at the last minute NOT because no ones trying to catch her but shes just that CLEVER and thinks ahead and shiz....

Megamind is the guy trying to interview her in the middle of a fight like he thinks he's cute - i mean he is but shes chasing after metroman and skids to a stop because this jerk stepped in for a comment. or shes lining up the perfect shot but theres a close up of megaminds reporter bag in the way

the thing is that maybe... blue people arent violent. a natural disaster hit recently and theyre coming back from it and if the two adopted alien kids want to play extreme tag well no ones getting hurt and Roxanne Ritchie will grow out of her competitiveness no doubt caused by just how superior EVERYONE on the planet is by finding her own niche and metroman will grow up and stop bating her because maybe he IS still better than everyone else and thats met with "oh very nice we're proud" but it doesnt really validate him or make him feel special because its just treated as a special thing he can do by everyong but Roxanne Ritchie and once he's found something that makes him feel good regardless of the attention or lack of it he'll stop playing too

but megamind? megamind has an imagination that loves drama and blowing things out of proportion and thats part of why his reports are so popular? like yeah everyones treating this super hero showdown with indulgence but megamind is good at framing theatrics so that this news story is actually a compelling narrative? and also everyone can see the tension is going to have one of these three "kids" confessing live someday

and maybe he gets carried away. one of those 'aw well next time you could do x or y' or has some technological creation that accidentally actually makes Metroman flinch during an interview

and Roxanne Ritchie starts paying attentionto him for the first time.

and minion warns him but he doesnt listen. minion is lower class and is afraid of being replaced like a pet like some people do but Roxanne Ritchie Ritchie doesnt have a minion and even if she did theyre Best Friends not like those other blue people minion uperclass people.

and he carelessly says something unforgivable and Roxanne Richie uses his ideas and actually succeeds in killing metroman

so she goes to prison - a place they had to build just for her because this hasnt happened since stars knows when

and somebody else is doing the camera because minion left just is gone and megamind looks defeated but testifies against her and is quiet and subdued and stpps being a reporter for a bit

and.... idk. i feel like we'll have to resolve the whole class system so minon goes underground and finds other minons who are unhappy with the way of things and if theyre ALREADY rebuilding society after that huge natural disaster that DIDNT blow up their planet thanks TO a minion well ehy cant they fix this too?

so theres a rebellion going on and theyve got a secret weapon to make blue people listen and idk but i feel like it's Metroman

and... how do stories like this go ive forgotten

minion wouldnt tell megamind or he would

metroman would break Roxanne Ritchie out of prison during the first riot of the minion revolt?

they talk and compare why they hated eachother and slowly work together and are actually a great team?

and then they need a reporter to make themselves heard as something other than minions going crazy

and so of course they go to megamind for help getting the story out

something something megamind is minions sidekick for this adventure

"Roxanne Ritchie was raised by the planet and turned against it and instigated civil unrest and killed a person who was also the good child etc etc instead of just growing up to face your problems"

"actually im alive and i finally found my place? helping out the real heros?"

"i mean i did try to kill him, but he forgave me and we're kinda working together because planet of moms and dads that raised us? yall actually are the ones who need to grow up and let go of the traditions that dont serve etc etc"

and megamind does a huge public apology to minion

and... uhhhhhhhhh fuck i really dont know how these storyies go

the blue people start making amends

metroman basically becomes a social worker for minion childern because finding their original families is a bit hard and most of these kids are just going to end up being raised by super dad but at least the rebellion minion families are actually geting to be their own family units and in a couple gens thatll be normal

Roxanne Ritchie goes back to being the token human in the lab and hangs up her super suit and is generally dissatisfied with this

until one night a hero breaks into her apartment to make her answer for her crimes and so for a legit hot second theyre fighting and megamind says something and Roxanne apologizes and then fighting stops being an argument and goes into banter flirting

the worss "where theres evil good will rise up to fight it" peob comes up a lot in this fic in different iterations

anyways megamind isnjust basically like hey wanna do this like. for the rest of our lives dramatic battle showdowns like its entertainment but like no theyre doing this for real?

the answer is hell yeah

and its a polyship and sometimes Roxanne is helping with the kids and then Megamind bursts in to "save" the family from her evil clutches and 90% of the time everything is improve

megamind kidnaps Roxanne to make metromind save her and a good half of the conversation is that hes an idiot for coming shes tried to kill him three times this week and hes bitching because do you know how hard it is to find a sitter for 30 odd minion kids this short notice and they better make it up to him

Roxanne is not superdad but the 30 odd minion kids adore when she comes over because they mob the villain so hard until finally mega comes to save her because hes actually very good with the kids

of course this poly ship isnt complete without minion and at some point minion and mega realize theyve actually been married for years and Roxanne and metro tease them shamelessly for it

minion and his race need a real name obviously

when Roxanne was a... graduate her senior project theses thingy was essentially "im going to go back to planet earth itll be great ive figured out were im from and how to go there in a reasonable amout of time" and everyone had to sit her down and explain that unlike metroman they knew where she was from the planet was just destroyed.

they never figured out where metroman was from because his direction sharply changed to follow baby Roxannes course and mirrored her coding despite very obviously how he had originated from elsewhere

this is important because his race is basically coming to conquer the blue people planet soon - the group finds out - and will download all the survival upgrades metroman has gotten to become unkillable and then just come down to the surface and be unstoppable taking the place over and whiping out the planet like theyve done many many times

a good chunk of the time trying to figure out how to stop them when this planet is REALLY against murder war and violence for good reason and even if they WOULD do that its impossible over looks some alone time that leads to megamind and metroman figuring out how to like kill him so when the bad guys show up theyll go "whelp better not fuck with them" and leave but between roxanne and minion they manage to not only stabilize metroman (Roxanne blood transfusions maybe???) but they manage to scare the aliens so bad they tuck tail and leave speading rumors that these are the scariest mfs in space (go minion)

metroman never lets Roxanne live down saving his life

eventually space humans show up to check the place out

megamind loves everything human despite most of the planet thinking theyre primitive and showing it

roxanne is reluctant to meet them at first but then really relates to them?

for a good long while it REALLY seems like megamind and Roxanne are just going to go on space adventures with the humans leaving metroman and minion - who really doesnt like them and also they kinda rub him the wrong way because he's non bipedal and they kinda make fun of him in a 'we totally dont mean anything by it lighten up' sort of way.

they don't go of course but they may have stolen a lot of atar charts n shit and who hasnt wanted to take a road trip through space with 30 odd childern who will need names and personalities and may be chopped down to a slightly more reasonable number by this point?

metroman loves space karaoke and his natural abilites mean he learns languages fast but no he still cant carry a tune

megamind and Roxanne still duke it out on various alien cityscapes

minion usually breaks them out of jail if theyre not to be let out the next day because nothing was actually damaged that didnt belong to them.

one memorable occasion it was metoman in a fight with megamind and they wont say what its about but both look very put out and minion looks smug

it doesn't matter in the end because Roxanne teams up with the childern to propose to them first

apparantly i had a lot more ideas about this then i meant to? i mean its not well thoughout out and despite the drama a good half the fic is just going to be cute relationship building stuff between the four of them

[huphilpuffs]

flares

chapter: 25/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 3065 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: a huge thanks goes to @obsessivelymoody for beta reading this for me!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

Dan wakes up on Thursday to a heaviness in his chest.

He groans before he even opens his eyes. His face is squished against a pillow, his ribs pressed too harshly against the mattress. Stabs of pain burst between them, make his muscles spasm and send his breath escaping in a stutter. He has to count, one, two, three, four to keep it from happening a second time.

It eases some when he rolls onto his back.

And he tries to comfort himself further by counting out how long it’s been since he’s been able to sleep on his stomach. Too long, probably.

He’s been getting better, though. Even staring at the bedroom ceiling through his tears, Dan knows that. Knows the he’s helped Phil with dinner the last few nights, and managed to handle the curtains being open for a few hours yesterday.

His hand smoothes across his sternum, and he pokes at the painful spots in his sides until the sharpness dulls.

It’s enough to let Dan sit up, then stand on shaky knees. He tosses Phil’s pillow back to where it belongs and tucks the duvet into place to prove the voice in his head, wondering why he’s suddenly worse again, that he’s fine.

And to ignore the second voice, telling him it’s anxiety that causes your pain, over and over again.

His appointment is in a day.

Dan’s hardly slept for three.

He tries to swallow back a sigh. Whatever rush of adrenaline had dragged him out of bed has faded, left fatigue settling heavy in his bones again. He could drag himself to the lounge, curl up in his blankets and continue his new daily routine of watching people on YouTube for hours.

But his body aches and his eyes burn, and he crawls back into bed instead.

The voice in his head grows louder.

Dan grabs Phil’s pillow, clutches it ot his chest and presses his face against the fabric, breathing deeply.

It smells like Phil.

He holds it until he falls back asleep.

---

The afternoon drags.

It’s past two when Dan wakes up again. The flat is still empty, the bed unmade again. He crawls out without bothering to fix it, makes himself a sandwich, and settles back on the sofa, where he can rest his head against the cushions and ignore the tightness around his heart.

Every time he turns on his phone, it’s too a notification reminding him he has an appointment tomorrow that has his muscles seizing, making it ache to breathe.

And to a reminder he half regrets setting, since he’s ignored it for days.

Call mum.

There’s only a few hours to follow through with it now.

He glances back at the clock that tells him it’s just ticking past three. Twenty-five hours left, says the voice in his head. It sounds like the last GP he saw, who looked him in the eyes and told him to try acting like he had more energy, who told him it would help.

You should try it, his mum had said afterwards. You never know unless you do.

Dan’s thumb swipes across the screen. He finds her contact, sucks in a breath, and hits the call button.

He doesn’t breathe again until she picks up on the third ring.

“Hi, Dan,” she says.

He hasn’t heard her voice since he decided to stay here. It feels like a lifetime ago, suddenly.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s silence for a long moment. He can hear her breathing over the line, low and steady, and wonders if she can hear the shakiness in his.

“How are you?” she asks

“I’m okay,” he says. “I, uh, have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

He swallows, nodding even though she can’t see him. “Just with my new GP, but I’m hoping he might be able to help me,” he says. “With, well, you know.”

“I hope he can.”

She sounds sad. It’s been a long time since Dan’s heard that.

“Me too,” he says. And then, because he can’t handle the silence: “But, uh, I was hoping you could maybe help me figure out my medical history, to prepare? I don’t remember all of it from when I first got sick.”

Back when she was responsible for it, he doesn’t say. Back when anyone could keep track of all of it.

“I’ll text it to you, okay?” she says. “I know your memory isn’t always the best, and your wrists tend to ache from writing.”

“Really?” He slams his mouth shut, the click of his teeth probably audible over the phone. “I mean, thanks.”

She chuckles, quiet, distant, like he can hear the miles between them. “I’m not always heartless, you know,” she says.

Dan’s breath comes out in a rush. Guilt bursts in its place, painful, bringing tears to his eyes. And he wants to tell her he never thought she was, but he can’t. She knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know what he thinks about her now, crying, hands shaking as he clutches his phone too tightly.

“Can I ask you something?” she says. “Without you getting mad?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” she says. “I know you don’t think your problems are with your mental health, and I’m not implying they are–” the not this time goes unspoken “–but I know you’ve had bad experiences with doctors and you’re my son.”

His breath catches. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he wipes it away with his hand.

This is his first appointment without her, he realizes. The first one in six years that she’s not driving him to, waiting outside or sitting next to him for the length of it. The first time she won’t smooth his hand over his knee in the waiting room, telling him it’ll be okay, that doctors can be trusted, even though they’d been proving otherwise for so long.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Phil’s coming with me.”

“That’s good,” she says, like she means it. “I am glad you have him, you know.”

He almost reminds her what she thought of him living with Phil last time they spoke, but his heart aches and his eyes are stinging and he doesn’t want to fight, not this time.

“Me too,” he says. “He’s the best, mum.”

She sounds like she’s smiling when she says: “I’d love to meet him, one day.”

Dan swallows. He can hardly picture it, bringing Phil back to a house filled with terrible memories and people he still doesn’t trust entirely. And yet there’s a tug in his chest, a bittersweet image forming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t say anything.

Neither does she, for a while.

“I should get going,” is what she ends up saying. “As long as you’re okay? I’ll text you your medical information in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She hums. “And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“You should call your grandma. She misses her sofa buddy.”

He chuckles. It aches. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. “Okay. I will,” he promises. “And mum?”

“Yeah?”

“No news is good news, okay? If I don’t call you after the appointment, I mean.”

“Okay,” she says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

His head falls back against the cushion and his phone drops onto the sofa. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure he knows why.

Or maybe he just can’t untangle all the many, many reasons.

---

Phil’s quiet when he gets home.

He takes the smoothie Dan didn’t touch and sets it on the coffee table before dropping onto the empty cushion. His arm is draped across the back of the cushion, his hip just inches from Dan’s, as he turns his gaze to the open laptop, lit up with another Smosh video.

Dan’s been watching them mindlessly since his tears dried on his cheeks.

“This is a good one,” says Phil.

It’s an older one, the production value a little cheaper and humour a tad outdated. Probably more similar to what Phil had watched back at uni, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine it, a younger version of Phil, one with longer hair and a slightly narrower frame, sitting in a uni room like the one Dan moved out of before coming here.

He hardly can. Maybe because his mind is still muddled, hanging onto words he said during the phone call, onto all the things he should have said but didn’t.

“It is,” he says, just as the video ends.

He doesn’t start a new one.

Phil’s fingers sweep across his shoulder. In Dan’s peripheral, he can see Phil turn to look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” asks Phil.

Dan swallows. There’s a lump in his throat, a pressure behind his eyes so harsh it aches.

“Didn’t sleep very well,” he says.

Phil squeezes his shoulder. “I know.”

That makes the corner of his mouth quirk up. Of course Phil knows. He was there, arms wrapped around Dan as he fidgeted, tossed, and turned. His hands had combed through Dan’s hair, and his quiet questions about if Dan was okay were mumbled against his shoulder, his reassurance felt in his touch.

Phil usually falls asleep pretty quickly, Dan’s learned. Last night, he didn’t.

The hand at his shoulder tightens. Dan finally turns to face Phil.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

His eyes are soft, almost sad, as his hand rubs gentle circles against Dan’s skin. He knows. He must know something’s up. Dan has to remind himself that Phil’s seen him after countless sleepless nights, curled up in soft blankets on the sofa and dozing when his mind gets too tired to keep racing.

Today isn’t like that.

Dan reaches out to rest a hand on Phil’s knee, needing to feel grounded, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. Phil draws him closer, so Dan’s head is by his shoulder, his tears dripping down onto the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

There’s no pressure, none but the weight of Phil’s hand on his shoulder, when Dan says:

“I called my mum.”

Phil goes tense. “Oh,” he say. “How did that go?”

Dan swallows. “I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. His chest feels too full with contradictions, the weight of past accusations crashing up against her understanding tone and he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He’s never been sure how to exist around her, not since pain first settled in his bones and she told him it was growing pains, it would pass, it would get better.

And it never did.

“I haven’t talked to her since I told her I was staying in Manchester,” he says, maybe as an afterthought, maybe because it’s felt heavy on his shoulders since he answered the phone.

“Was she nicer this time?”

He nods. Another tear falls. “She’s texting me my medical history,” says Dan. “She offered, because she– she knew I had trouble writing and remembering.”

Phil hums. His breath has gone even again. His mouth is close to the top of Dan’s head. He sounds hesitant when he speaks. “It sounds like she cares.”

Dan feels that, sharp and painful in his gut. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and his breath catches, and Phil holds him tighter like he’s scared Dan will fall apart.

Maybe he will.

It’s been so long,

He’s been so that sure she doesn’t actually care.

Now, he doesn’t know what to think.

---

His mum texts him.

Dan almost cries. His teeth dig into his lip and his ribs ache and he stares, wide-eyed, at the list of diagnoses and unexplained symptoms he’s had over the years. There’s the migraines they never treated at the beginning, the lightheadedness it took them four years to explain, the instructions to do more exercise that dot the whole six years that he’s been ill.

The first time he went to therapy, and the antidepressants they put him on, and the second time he went to therapy.

And every time he told his doctor he was still sick after that.

Phil’s hand lands on his wrist, gently pushing the phone from Dan’s line of sight. His voice is barely a whisper when he says: “Are you okay?”

Dan swallows. His throat aches.

Laid out like this, it doesn’t look that bad, a distant voice in his head that’s haunted him for too long tries to remind him that maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But Dan can remember the A&E doctor who turned him away because it was growing pains. Can remember the so many times his blood pressure was low before anyone bothered to point it out.

The time his doctor looked at him and said–

“Can we do something?” says Dan. “I want to– I need a distraction.”

Phil nods. In Dan’s peripheral, his phone screen goes black. The knot in his chest loosens, just a bit.

“Wanna play video games?” says Phil.

He shakes his head. “Wanna go out. It’s been too long.”

Phil’s brows furrow, like he’s about to point out that there’s a reason it’s been so long, about to warn Dan that he doesn’t want to make himself sick before such an important day.

Except part of Dan does. He’s done it before, forced himself to be in pain because maybe that way the doctors would actually see that he wasn’t lying. Not that it’s ever worked.

“Please?” he says.

Phil squeezes his wrist. “Okay.” His thumb drifts across Dan’s, careful and comforting. “Where do you want to go?”

---

Dan squeezes into his skinny jeans, even though the fabric burns his legs. He pulls a shirt over his head for what feels like the first time in forever. Though his knees are shaky, he bends down to tie his own laces, as Phil watches from where he’s leaning against the door.

“Are you sure about this?”

He reaches out, without a word, to help Dan stand again.

“I’m sure,” says Dan. “And don’t worry, you won’t need to take me to A&E this time.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth quirks up, and Dan knows he’s forcing it. He can feel his worry in the too-tight clench of Phil’s hand around his, the way his gaze trips over Dan legs when he wobbles as he stands.

He squeezes Phil’s fingers, forcing a smile of his own, as he opens the door.

It’s warm outside. The sky’s going purple as the sun sinks below the city. Dan realizes, staring up at it, that he hasn’t left the flat since he trip to A&E, hasn’t enjoyed being outside in far too long.

If his joints would let him, he’d suggest they walk around a bit. Instead, he stares up at the clouds and reminds himself to spend more evenings, when the sun won’t burn his eyes, on their little balcony, just to feel the wind against his cheeks again.

Phil tugs on his hand when the cab pulls up in front of them. They pile in, side by side in the back seat. Dan doesn’t put on his seatbelt. He can’t be bothered to deal with the harsh rub of fabric against his ribs.

His chest is still tight, the quiet buzz of anxiety at the back of his mind growing louder. He can still feel his phone, heavy in his pocket, can still imagine the text he hasn’t yet responded to. He can remember their last movie night, laughing and gasping and falling asleep with Phil’s hands trying to massage the pain away.

They hadn’t even gone out last time.

Dan stares out the window and hopes he can keep his promise that it’ll be okay this time.

They slip out of the car at the cinema. Phil pays the driver. Dan leans against the wall as he waits, wondering if the lines inside are long. It’s been so long since he’s been to the cinema, he can hardly imagine it anymore. The screens usually hurt his eyes and the audio gives him a headache and he doesn’t care today.

“You okay?”

Phil’s smiling at him, standing by the door. He holds it open for Dan, and buys their tickets for a random comedy neither of them particularly wanted to see. He lets Dan go find a seat as he buys them popcorn, soda, and a chocolate bar to share. He hands it over, in the darkness of the theatre, with a smile.

Between them, their knees bump together as the film starts.

---

They’re holding hands when it ends.

Dan’s eyes are starting to burn and his chest aches from laughing, but the voices in his head have dulled just enough that he can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t think about the appointment he needs to show up to tomorrow, or the doctor he hasn’t met yet who might dash his hopes all over again.

He stares at their joined hands as the cinema empties, smiling.

“You ready to go home?” says Phil.

Dan shrugs. He probably should give his spine a break by sinking into the sofa again, close his eyes against the bright lights of the city before a headache wells in his temples. But he doesn’t want to sit in the dark and wait until tomorrow, letting his fears return.

“Can we get pizza?”

“You up to walk?”

He nods. Phil helps him to his feet and leads him out of the cinema. He knows Manchester better than Dan does, and tells a story about coming to watch movies with Ian when he was younger as they find the nearest pizza place. Dan listens, maybe more attentively than he needs to, to keep his mind from going hazy as the city moves around him.

There’s still a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Dan wonders if him of a few years ago would have believed that he’d end up here.

The restaurant they end up in is small and quiet, and they slide into a booth in the corner of the room. Dan sinks back against the cushion, realizing that Phil’s smiling, too.

His chest feels warm. His fingers twist in the tablecloth, because part of him misses holding Phil’s hand.

“Thanks for tonight,” says Dan. “I had fun.”

Under the table, Phil knocks their feet together.

“I did too,” he says.

[bemoremuse]

hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm lets talk about pitiful children :thinking:

for context im going to talk about 3.0′s pitiful children over 1.0 because while at its core the song is about squipping kids they are pretty different 

ive time stamped it just for convenience but i doubt tumblr will register it ugh BUT ANYWAY

i’ve been thinking about what must be going through jeremys head during this scene a lot cause throughout all the versions of this show i cant really get a clear idea. Like hes on board with the idea but i have to wonder how on board.

like... i don’t know how to word it but i feel like its 50% squip manipulations and 50% actual jeremy. BUT PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THIS IS JUST HOW I INTERPRET THINGS AND READ THE SITUATION SO LIKE...I COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG but its what im gonna apply to my portrayal of jeremy and squip so.

squip is using christine to bargain, “if you get her corrected youll both be connected, literally” cause it KNOWS christine is jeremys main motivator for-- literally everything. then it does the “things improve without a doubt, itll be YOU who helped her out” spinning it so christine will HAVE to love jeremy back if he helps solve everyone elses problems- something christine wants to help with too. And Jeremy is so damn empathetic he naturally wants to help his peers too. squip is just exploiting that. 

so this could be like the start of of a snowball effect. Jeremy listens to what the squip is saying but you see as the song goes on it looks like jeremy is in less and less control of himself. 

He approaches rich’s locker and takes out the box of squips like “???!! Theres gotta be enough squips in here for--” and the lights flash and squip commands him to activate the whole box.  And as he’s doing it Jeremy actually stops and looks at the beaker in front of him and pills in hand, i personally like to interpret this as a moment of hesitation, but his squip puppets him into throwing the pills into the beaker to activate them anyway.

jenna comes in and i LOVE the lil interaction they have with her. everything about it. jeremys extremely obvious “OHHHH IM JUST..FILLING THIS PROP BEAKER...WITH PUCKS..PANSY SERUM........” as the squip circles jenna like a dman shark. squip immediately after controlling him into asking about jennas day cause it KNOWS thatll give them a window of opportunity to squip her. Jeremys IMMEDIATE DISTASTE OF “I CANT TRICK HER INTO DRINKING A PILL” and both squip and jenna just reaffirming she would do anything to feel like she feels and jeremy whos SO FUCKING EMPATHETIC JUST ............ OFFERS HER A DRINK.  

and this is so so SO important cause if the squip wanted to it could just control jeremy into offering jenna the drink. but he did that himself. This is the point of no return baby. hes accepted that this is where theyre going and this is what will help jenna-- help everyone-- feel better. He’s made the decision and now they’re going full force into it. The snowball is rapidly tumbling downhill.

jenna screams and like-- jeremys face just lights up. he thinks hes actually managed to help her !! hes done something right!! and if he helped jenna he can help everyone else!! then christine will like him!!! JENNA LEAVES AND THE BIG DANCE BREAK HAPPENS BUT THE SQUIP COMES BACK OUT AND IM..,, i just... i really feel like jeremys not completely himself here !! squip leads him around like a toy on a string, they mimic each others movements, theyre still singing about saving these poor hopeless teenagers, i just. I really read this as jeremy in like a trance i guess? Like he made the decision himself 100% but now hes riding high on this feeling of ‘this is good, this will help everyone, everyone will be happy, their problems will go away’ and hes not thinking about anything else.

this is where pitiful children ends but not long after jeremy confronts christine during the play and he does the whole ‘HEY THIS PILL WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE YOULL NEVER HAVE TO NOT KNOW ANYTHING AGAIN, ITLL HELP YOU BE BETTER. YOULL BE CONFIDENT AND CONNECTED’ thing and i still read this like a partial squip induced hazy trance because 1.) the ‘everything about you is going to be wonderful’ tune is playing and thats sung by the squip both times. 2.) later he says ‘THEN WHY DID YOU LET ME SAY ALL THAT STUFF’ 3.) christine asks ‘has it been telling you what to say to me this whole time?’ and he answers ‘sort of?’  

SO LIKE i feel like jeremys only... partially in control halfway through pitiful children until his dialogue with christine. He definitely made the decision to give jenna the beaker and all that. but everything going on with the squip just makes me think it was pulling a few strings. physically and mentally. 

honestly thank god for christine snapping him out of it. i love you christine. we stan a queen.

[beverlyr0ad]

crimes of grindelwald thoughts

alright obvious spoilers not that it matters bc i have one follower lmao but !! i need somewhere to scream abt this movie

first of all i love jacob and newt so much. best parts of this movie honestly i love them and i want them to be happy 

but to be fair i actually rlly rlly enjoyed watching this movie!! like,, there are a looot of things i dont understand about it and i have no idea how they happened or why theyre happening but thats Okay i would still recommend everyone watch it! its so good!!!

good things:

- grindelwald !! i mean,, no hes not a good thing but i really liked how they wrote his character. like i can UNDERSTAND the power he has over people and how hes manipulating them. hes really not just a Voldemort 2.0 and i respect that a lot bc thats not what an entirely different villain should be like. but casting issues and all aside i really liked this

- i also liked the interaction between leta lestrange and dumbledore that was some good stuff and the actors were rlly good too !!! - i like the direction queenie is going in. i mean i dont actually of course but it seems realistic and i think its important and its good character development n stuff so hhh hope that works out later tho !! i am Suspense

- jacob walked into that movie and i was like !!!!!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDD i love him so much and it was rlly nice to see him back even if i dont think it was that neat to have him lose his memory of everything that happened for significance and in this movie have everything go like WHOOMP hes back but i uhhhh loved it anyway so this is not a complaint its a good thing - i still loved newt and having a good main character makes the whole movie a better watch in general. ive seen sequels where i just Cant get attatched to the new characters but wow i didnt really have much of a problem with that here

- it was also never boring and i really just loved n enjoyed this movie a lot!!!  okay hhh bad things/things that i personally disliked:

- ive seen different opinions on this but??? what was that blood pact????? what are u doing??????????????? i cant even be coherent properly so here are the main reasons that was rlly dumb

1- w-who does that in a romantic relationship ever :o and yes jkr has literally said dumbledore n grindelwald were in LOVE HELLO feel free to correct me if im wrong on anything but if ur gonna say it u should show it,,,, Continuity Please. anyway separate issue but if u love someone youre not gonna be like “hey lets make SURE we dont fight each other ever” because youll trust that the other person?? isnt gonna fight u???!!!???? im

2- thats literally not the reason he “cannot move against grindelwald” okay like it shouldnt be. this conversation literally happens in dh and dumbledore says he was scared of facing what rlly happened when ariana died!! there was no actual physical thing stopping him!!! the only acceptable justification is that he doesnt want to face this ghosts of his past and that moment and he is SCARED okay so COME ON give dumbledore his faults! hes scared of his past and that IS the reason!!

3- wait how did grindelwald, aberforth, and albus fight if they had already entered a blood pact. like i dont think albus would aim for his own brother EVER but could he even attack grindelwald if they had a blood pact?? not sure how this works lol but who was he aiming for then??? just firing everywhere randomly without intention cause that sounds,,, significantly harder to believe and makes that scene loads messier esp if grindelwald couldnt aim for albus either so

4- the blood pact was so frickin unnecessary im sobbing. like there was the scene where its all like “oh some say you were as close as brothers” and dumbledore is like “oh we were closer than brothers...” and im like OK! the little scene in the air doesnt explicitly reveal anything either so thats ok but the closer than brothers line was rlly revealing for me. at least for like two minutes and then dumbledore looked in the mirror and saw himself making a blood pact w grindelwald. like ok is That what u meant by closer than brothers bc thats what everythings pointing to but it shouldnt be and i.............ugh

5- im honestly just kind of hhhhhhhhhhhh. i can concede that the blood pact might be significant in later films and i look forward to watching them! but. at the same time i. wish that if you were going to say dumbledore was gay it would actually be explicitly referenced in the movie, instead of dancing around that and dropping it in hints and pieces that fans of the series who know this information will understand and others can just dismiss as friendship! there were So Many good places in this movie to include this fact (altho feel free to disagree w me haha) and i think that not including this fact was honestly tiring.

- nagini...........obv this isnt a huge problem bc idk where her story will go next n it might develop n become important but as of rn, i have no idea what her role in this movie is. i wonder if her reappearance in the harry potter series will actually be of significance and if itll be explained how she will end up under servitude to voldemort bc i genuinely dont understand right now. it just seems like a cameo to draw attention in the trailer ghgdjh

- leta lestrange’s death didnt feel right or impactful and im sad . definitely a huge opinion here but it felt like a mandatory character snuff to make the movie sad and ghdsjgfh oh well :(

- little continuity issues?? dumbledore being DADA professor instead of transfiguration bc Boggarts Are Important For Foreshadowing. also how is mcgonagall an adult or actually how is she even alive and um of course the fact that this movie doesnt confirm what jkr has said about dumbledore and grindelwald beforehand. 

- im actually going to totally repeat myself bc this deserves a separate point umm why arent dumbledore and grindelwald actually shown as in love with each other as young men. its completely relevant to the movie and its not hard to put it in there instead of the bLOOD PACT (ask anyone irl ive been screaming abt the blood pact ever since i came out of that movie). anyway i know david yates said he wouldnt be including that as part of the movie as fans are aware of that aNyway but its not that hard to understand. people are asking for actual representation?? not smt vague??? because this is just here to Please People. if u refuse to see this ship, ure just gonna see them as having a friendship! maybe u havent heard about what jkr said or maybe ure choosing to ignore it bc,, idk that says smt about u, or maybe another reason idk! but if u go into this knowing they were In Love and hoping to see confirmation of dumbledore being canonically gay, youre going to hear that “oh, we were more than brothers” line and be like oh yeah we been knew, or more seriously like hey! maybe we’re getting a canon confirmation, not just floaty young people leaning towards each other! like when he looked in the mirror i was like okay This Is It this is gna be confirmation but then it wasnt oop. it was the !!! bloooood paaact !!! which means that people could interpret the “closer than brothers” line as meaning oh we done did a blood pact that means we blood related look at us go! Wow! so this is basically just a half azzed attempt at pleasing people w stereotypical viewpoints and people happy to see representation. hmmmmmmmmmm.. (psst if u actually ship older dumbledore n grindelwald tho What Are You Doing Stop !! thats not a healthy relationship, grindelwald is an awful person and dumbledore deserves to grow from the person he was before!!! he deserves so much better!!! im not saying to ship them but im saying that if we’re gonna say they were in love as young men and if we are going to confirm that dumbledore is gay well,,, lets put that in canon pls!!!! we need canon representation but we dont need to pretend this ship is healthy or good bc its representation either. this isnt shipping this is asking to acknowledge that dumbledore was gay and in love with grindelwald and its confirmed that grindelwald was in love with him too. in the place the story of tcog is now, that relationship is not ever going to happen again and if u actually think it is ure suffering from some next-level delusion. just be definitive and acknowledge that your characters are LGBT tho pls!! u said they were!!! actually i would be so much happier to see a Happy And Healthy LGBT Pairing can we have that? please?)

- big spoiler but hOW IS CREDENCE ALBUS’ BROTHER WHAT IS HAPPENING DKFJDKSH i need to separate my thoughts again

1- AGE DIFFERENCE........apparently dumbledore is like 46 in this movie right?? credence doesnt look over 20. okay percival dumbledore is put in azkaban before albus starts school right?? so the maximum age albus can be is 11. now im gonna say that kendra was not having any more kids w anyone else after that incident fs so the oldest albus can be when ariana is born is 12, leaving room for some other stuff okay. ALBUS AND CREDENCE DONT LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE A 12 YEAR AGE GAP WHAT IS HAPPENINF

2- i saw people theorizing that credence is ariana’s son and NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO PLS NO

3- not an actual issue but i thought grindelwald said his name was berrylius dumbledore which i later remembered as berrylium dumbledore and anyway thank god for the internet

4- okay at this point i cant tell if this has just been brought in for shock value or smt like. is this relevant to the plot. is grindelwald even telling the truth. w-why did the movie end there. help....... i think thats it but i do want to say that i respect the rights of the creator jkr to do whatever she wants w these characters. its her world! but i can have a whole bunch of opinions n feelings about this movie and still support it. after all, i love harry potter and the whole wizarding world w my whole heart. 

did anyone even read that LOOOL that was so long sorry

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[jojonokimyounaboukeneyesofheaven]

idk if ill msg u on ur bday anymore im super conflicted abt it and U in general and i dont think i like should try and get back into ur life but i also like idk i wanna check in plus like i dont want u to think im gonna forget jt or somethin so idk idk idk idk what im gonna do idk if i want to know u anymore but idk if i like can live anymore without u so idk what im even doing ahahahah

idk everything abt everything sucks i hate u but i miss u and when i think abt u i can feel my chest rotting out but i also like just continuously yearn for having u back and i like every other day am so completely suicidal that i feel like i meed to msg u just to get some sort of stability thru u back but idk if thats what i Need but i also know i am like a complete mess i have nothing but u were never going to be able to be anything to me anyways and so like

idk anything… i feel u are a lost cause but i dont want to think that but i think i Should think that but then i know i have like nothing .. so….. i think my life wouldve been better if i did kms like 4 years ago or if all my psychosis incidents actually did make me schizophrenic already cause atleast then maybe i could like find sollace in knowing i am completey fucked and will never have a life and itll be okay because i was crazy but rn i like am too vlose to being like not mentally fucked but also so incredibly burdened by my own mind that i am like

Always on the cusp of it and so i like i feel like a boat just too big and light to ever get sucked into a whirlpool but just stuck spinning and the only way oht would be to try and swim but thats like a 99% chance of me dying and i like as much as id love to escape life and knowing i will never be able to retain any real human contact or relationships and never be able to really wver feel happy and content because of how i always fuck up every thing i have with anyone i would rather atleast like feel like maybe oneday ill have something but it feels impossible for me to ever like

be anything, either for myself or for someone else. i am too depressed and completely checked out in life to make any of my own dreams a reality and everytime im with someone and want to help make their dreams something i find a way to like fumble hard and end up alone

only reason i havent commited soduko yet is social anxiety of finding a bridge and idk what my suicide note would be to ppl, idk if id even wanna leave my family anything because i am sort of checked out of them emotionally but u and blake like atleast Knew me but idk what id say to either of u, thanks for atleast talking to me ahahahah but also fuck u both for not being perfect which is like INSANE mentality but like i also am completely unperfect and cant even like say anything so idk idk idk, idek what id say to blake he was atleast always a good person i just fucked up a lot and wouldnt settle down but for U misha like, idk.

i hate u but love u.. and ik if i told u i was gonna kms itd fuck u up or atleast id Hope ud be able to feel somethin abt it, hope u stleast stalk my accts or something and arent just like completey detatched feom the past 2 years already, i hope u miss me too.. i hope u feel something too, i hope u arent moved on i just want to know u loved me its been ao long since i felt any affection from u even before we ended everything

why couldnt u just talk abt ur peoblems anymore u said it was a bad thing that u didnt feel like u clukd talk to me but like that was 100% all u all u had to ever do was Try to talk abt it but u just clammed up like u alway do and never opened vack up and ig just locked urself away by ur own anxiety and ur problems just compiled and u never like tries to resolve shit and ik i wasnt oerfect at all like helping u and Us get thru stuff sometimes but thats cause all ur problems were always like.

i want the freedom of being able to be with other ppl ahahahaha and like then u harked on me like i was gonna be the one to cheat and shit when like ALL ur problems was ALWAYS like U wanting to.. and its so fucking stupid like bro why do u think i was so angry abt our breakup and ur reasons cause like all u ever wanted to do was be away from me and then u were like Wow.. i cant believe u talked to blake.. bro thats cause u like made it impossible to talk abt anything with u, u stopped being a person to me u stopped like even trying anymore and then tried to make it up as me having failed and thats why we ended when u just couldnt care enough to get over urself and ur stupid shit to just open up to me anymore and just like wanting to try and thats what i hate abt u u always made me feel like i was mever good enough to even talk to u and then ud just do the worst shit and always cause ruckus in our relationship and then u stopped even wanting to try n resolve shit because it was always U at the center of the problems because U couldnt fucking control urself u always did so much shot without thinking and IIII always felt like the impulsive one even tho u would just like ausefhhgsghh why fi i love u why fo i miss u why cant i just be done with this shit and accept that there was no way wed ever work in a million years why cant i stop being tortured why cant i just be dead

[richard-the-boy-wonder-blog]

Guess whos evil anD HATES ME, ITS KATIE! @not-reddie ❤❤❤

Eddie: *He sings in the shower every morning when he gets up. And its not your cute dainty singing, oh no. Its a full out concert in the bathroom, he sings along to ‘eye of the tiger’, 'we are the champions’, 'boys are back in town’ all the best jams.

*Eddie knows how to cook. Since his dad died his mom kinda stepped back as a parent and left him to learn how to do basic grown up duties. Hes really good at making spaghetti much to Richies humor.

*He is a really bad rage gamer. The losers have monopoly night which use to be dark souls night till Eddie shattered a ps2 controller.

*Actually a thicc and juicey boy. This kid is eating well and it shows.

*Eddie is a metal head. He likes NIN, Korn, Marylin Manson, Tool, but worst of all ICP. No one knows he likes ICP but 'piggy pie’ and 'boogey woogey’ are his jam.

*Eddie is also fairly good at doing voices along side Richie. They like to talk to each other in Mickey Mouse and Goofy voices all the time.

*He cannot own a fish or plant because IT WILL DIE.

*After Eddie moves his medical transcripts are taken literally and he ends up an addict for a year.

*Hes got a terrible terrible laugh. Is not cute or anything itll start off normal but then hes just wheezing and snorting till he basically passes out and clams down.

*Hes good with cars, hes the one who rebuilt Bills firebird.

Richie: *He has the Austin Powers theme set for his alarm, he dances to the coffee pot every morning in nothing but boxer breifs, crocs, and a blue robe to his while the song plays.

*Hes an ass man?? Guy, girl, his age, or 50 years old Richie Toizer digs the booty.

*Richie and Bill had their own band, '2+2.’ They both were lead guitar and vocals and only ever played Tenacious d.

*Richie has a real hard time telling people to 'fuck off’ or to 'go fuck themselves’ because hes afraid theyll actually leave him.

*Because of his sensory overload (a side effect of adhd) booming noises piss him off, stomping on the floor or when someone knocks too loud on the door it instantly throws him into a bad mood.

*Richie does a really good Selvester Stalon impessionation, its probably his best and most obnoxious voice.

*Hes a cat person for the simple fact that no one else really likes cats and they’re super chill and goofy.

*Both points above being said, he makes up voices for his pets and when hes lonely he makes them “talk” to him.

*The Chinese take out place a block over from his apartment know him by name because he once ordered every item off their menu and ate it all with chop sticks including his mochi balls.

*If you cant find Richie hes on the roof.

Ben: *This. Boy. Is. Good. At. Makeup. And. Hair Fight. Me. Ben heard Bev complaining one day about how hard it was to get ready in the morning so natrually he studied beauty blogs night and day for a month to help her.

*Hes your go to man with an problems you have, hes damn good and listening and giving back good feedback on the issue.

*Hes the one who loads the coffee pot because hes the only one who knows how.

*Ben joined the Marines after marrying Bev to carry on his familys tradition of serving the country.

*Because Beverly hangs around him so much, and speaks so highly of him, Bens first male crush was Richie.

*Hes a mamas boy through and through, it might not show as bad as Eddie does but he would kill for his mommy.

*Hes been a licensed contractor, and a very sucssesful one at that, since he was 17.

*Bens favorite day is Tuesday because then he gets to wear his 'taco Tuesday’ shirt.

*He wears really nice cologne and uses really nice minty shampoo and conditioner. Ben never smells bad ever.

*He knows all the names of the carebears.

Stan: *Whos severely lactose intolerant but loves cheese to the end of the earth? Stanly.

*Stans a really good drawer and writer but doesnt flaunt his work. What poems and art he has done are all hidden in a little notebook he carries everywhere with him.

*When he gets angry or excited he spout off in Hebrew, he hates it but everyone loves it.

*Hes clinically depressed as well as Mike so they have their own little get togethers in his room to talk and just be soft and warm together.

*“Joy to the world” by: CCR is the one song Stan cant not sing and dance along to.

*Speaking of dancing, Stans a damn good dancer?? He doesnt like to dance in front of others but sometimes he really can’t help himself.

* Hes got a tramp stamp that only Bill and Eddie know about.

*Stan is a really terrible drunk, like hes a mess and a hot one at that. His 21st birthday was a nightmare, thats where the tramp stamp came from.

*Stan fucks with everyone more than anyone else does but hes so suave about it everyone else points fingers at everyone but Stan.

*He doesnt know it but the brownies in the back of the freezer are Richies editable… He has one every Friday.

Bill:

*Still has bath toys and he uses, cleans, and plays with them regularly.

*He really likes otters and has big dreams to go to an aquarium sometime.

*He hates Monday’s with a burning passion, he hates Monday more than Garfield. So on Monday he makes everyone pancakes for breakfast to make it better.

* Bill is a babysitter for Georgie and a writer on the side. Being an uncle is a full time job with benefits.

*Real life superwholock nerd fan: Billiam Denbrought.

*He was a swimmer in high school and he cant grow hair on his legs anymore because of it.

*He pure edits all the losers homework and essays.

*He makes it a point to take his dogs and Eddie down to the park to play catch/fetch every weekend.

*His worst fear outside of losing his brother is Spiders or creepy crawlies in general.

*HE DONT EAT HE DAMN VEGETABLES. HE IS THE PICKIEST EATER AND IT MAKES EVERYONE SO MAD.

Mike: *Super flirtatious, like he doesnt even know hes flirting hes just really good at it.

*He collects stuffed animals. At first he was just having a hard time getting rid of his baby toys but now its a problem.

*He loves the color yellow?? Its his color, is room is painted yellow, his car is yellow, his favorite sweater is yellow. Mike really likes yellow.

*Spicey food makes him cry. Not because it makes him sad but because its fucking spicey.

*Chivalry and manners are alive and well in this one. Hes a complete gentlemen to men and women alike but even moreso to children.

*Mike is ticklish, way super ticklish, you even wiggle a finger at him at hes like: “FKDKF FHHEHEHEHEHE STOOOOOOOP.”

*Hell never say it but alot of his songs are about Bill. And not just cause they in love but because Mike genuinly loves and looks up to Bill as a person.

*He can play the guitar, bango, harmonica, piano, cello, the triangle and he can sing.

*Mike kisses all his friends platonically on the lips and no one has ever questioned it.

*Hes really good at riddles and rhymes.

Beverly: *She totes around a huge bag full of crap 24/7, its like Eddies fanny pack but 1000× larger and its full of crap theyll never need.

*Bev will not drink milk, i dont know why she just doesnt.

*She makes all hers and Richies clothes and fixes all the torn, ripped, and button missing clothes in the house.

*Beverly is a tree climbing champion.

*Beverly believes in faries because she is one and shes not ashamed of the fact.

*She talks in her sleep loudly too. All the guys will stay uo during their sleep overs just to hear what stupid shit shes gonna say while klonked out.

*She volunteers at the animal shelter, soup kitchen, and cleans uo trash off the side of the road for fun.

*When shes sad she listens to he Srgt. Peppers Loney Hearts Club Band record on repeat till she feels better.

*Shes always wanted to play Rizzo in Grease.

*She helps Mike run their greenhouse which she and Ben built together.

[dangkinronpa]

positivity for ouma who is struggling to stay stable mentally

ur positivity is under the cut ouma

ouma, i want to start off by saying that im really sorry that so many bad things have been happening to u lately, and i want u to know that im here for u. it can be really hard when ur struggling mentally, and sometimes it can feel like things are becoming overwhelming, so if ur feeling like things are becoming overwhelming then please remember to try and take a deep breath and try to find something else to focus on for a little bit. its okay to excuse urself from a conversation, as long as u make sure to explain why once ur able to, so dont worry about that. just remember to take care of urself and not to push urself too much, because u deserve to be able to take a little bit of time to urself and take a break if u need to. so, if things are bad right now, just remember to take a little breath and give urself a little bit of time to cool down before u go back to whatever it is u were doing beforehand, at the very least

although i cant say for certain how much this will end up helping u, i think that u should tell ur girlfriend about whats happening and warn them about when these kinds of hallucinations and flashbacks tend to happen so that shell be more prepared for them. it might be an awkward conversation, but u should let her know whats happening so that she wont be so worried and upset in the future. needless to say, theres already a chance that uve told her about this and that shell still be upset when these things happen in the future, but letting her know about everything thats happening is also a good way to get a bit of support so that u dont feel like ur struggling with all of this all on ur own. ur girlfriend might be able to give u advice that can help u personally, since shes bound to know more about what works for u than what i do, so theres nothing wrong with explaining everything thats happening to her. plus, good relationships are built off of communication anyway, so it might also help u two build a stronger relationship as well. also, if ur worried about breaking down in front of her again, u could always tell her what u might need from her if u break down or what topics to avoid so that the chances of u breaking down are reduced

speaking of communication, i think that the best thing that u could do in this situation is to try and communicate ur feelings to someone so that u dont end up carrying them with u and letting them weigh u down even more. it might be a little uncomfortable to talk to others about the situation, since it sounds like everything that’s going on is pretty personal right now, but itll help u get everything off ur chest and hopefully a couple helping hands who want the best for u. also, if ur struggling with mental stability, u should try to take a little bit of time to indulge urself in things u enjoy or things that relax u, anything that helps take ur mind off of all the things ur having to deal with right now. seeing as uve been having hallucinations and flashbacks, i would say that for now u should try to get rid of anything that might remind u of ur past abusers so that itll be easier to prevent urself from being in that situation again. i know that flashbacks can be caused by certain triggers, so if theres something that tends to set u off and put u in a vulnerable position, try to see if theres any way that u can cut it out of ur life

as for the friends who keep talking about self harm and suicide, i think the best thing that u could do is to try and talk to them about their own mental health and see if theyre doing alright, because if theyre joking about doing these sorts of things to themselves it might be because of a desire to actually harm themselves. it doesnt have to be too dramatic if u dont think u can handle it, just letting them know that u care might be good for them, but its also important to try and let them talk if they decide to open up to u about their problems. if ur not sure that u could handle having that conversation with them, then it might be a good idea for u to talk to a friend of urs that hasnt been mentioning these topics lately and see if they could possibly talk to them. self harm and suicide are both really scary things, and they shouldnt be taken lightly, so its important to see if everything is really alright with ur friends. that being said, if ur friends are just joking about suicide and self harm because it makes u uncomfortable and they arent having issues of their own, then i would suggest that u stop interacting with them as often as u do now at the very least. u need to take care of ur mental health right now, and if theyre dragging u down because they think its funny, it might be best to avoid them for a little while

ouma, im really sorry that so many bad things have been happening in ur life recently, and i really hope that things can start getting a little bit better for u soon. having flashbacks of abusers is harsh on its own, and i know that the harmful jokes ur friends have been making cant be doing any good for the situation. as bad as everything is right now, though, i know that things will start getting better the longer that u just hang in there. i know that things might not get better for a while, and that itll be a bit hard to get to a point where ur feeling better, but i know that u can get there and feel good. it might seem lonely at times, but please remember that ur not alone in this; there are lots of people who want to stick by ur side and help u out, even if theyre just mods on this blog. u dont have to do this on ur own, so please reach out and talk to people if u need their help. itll make u feel better about things in the end

please stay safe ouma, and if u someone to talk to im always here

- mod kaede