#but i cant contradict or even just say how i feel about things without her shutting me out. so.

[notsociallyacceptablealex]

All it takes is 1 Google search to see how a character's name is spelled. 🥲 please. I'm begging yall to say AND spell characters names correctly.

[zan0tix]

Any general thoughts on/relating to the Brobot?

Have my half awake scrawlings...

I really love the brobot!!!! People really misconstrue it and also leave it out in a lot of dirkjake talk? Its a big player in not only how dirk expresses his affection/desire towards jake but also in their multi year spanning unspoken game of gay chicken 😭😭(all of dirks splinters are but Not about them rn)

It was sent yknow under the pretense that jake loves wrestling and wished so bad to have somebody he could wrestle with. But at the same time it protects jake from the horrors of hellmurder island (seen before they strife), pushing jake into the Damsel in distress role he wasnt expecting to play even before all the shit in the game, with Dirk being his hero.

Jake says he keeps it on a high difficulty because apparently in the Novice mode he says their interactions become "too tender" and doesnt want to elaborate, Friendly reminder! His convo with jane on the SAME DAY dirk pulled off that big romantic overture and the kiss happens and him and dirk begin "dating".. is the same day he asked jane if it didnt make him weird for wanting to date dirk. And he also says hed joke around with dirk about how theyd soo make a great couple if dirk were a girl haha.

I imagine the brobot and well. Getting physical like that with a robot that supposedly looks like dirk probably gave jake his internal gay awakening at 13 but he just never wanted to actually confront it and instead just wanted to brush past everything 😭😭 (See: every single time sexuality or romance comes up in relation to jake he is literally always thinking about dirk somehow and he never directly talks about his attraction to men or how that reflects/contradicts on his self image of the Movie Star Hero guy)

and jake doesnt actually hate the thing either, he tells jane he thinks it genuinely did improve his fighting capabilities (Which we see it did in collide! he beat basically the whole felt with guns and fisticuffs alone, no hope powers.) Which serves as a pretty evident parallel to dave who also is good at fighting, even if he doesnt want to be. (see dirk + dave convo)

This one comes from hussies authors notes in the aradiabot and equius scene (which equius imagery being invoked with dirk. something i could totally rant about another time haha) but yeah. Jake was being selfish asshat in that log forcing jane into a corner and wringing what he wanted to hear out of her, and also not giving a shit about the brobot (Which served as his protector and only other semblance of human connection since he was 13 and was a BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM DIRK) KILLING ITSELF? But hes so preoccupied talking about dirk. THE REAL DIRK. And immediately after jake loses the dirk splinter that protected him, HE (AND DIRK) CREATE A NEW ONE FOR HIMSELF USING THEIR COMBINED POWERS/?

Hussie is lying.. somebody Does care about dirks feelings. a whole lot to the point they activate their powers unwittingly Because of it. and its jake. but jake just cant admit that himself. (He cannot admit his real feelings until given permission to, dirk would have to concede the game of gay chicken first using his words and not just actions)

ANYWAY. hussie is so right its so easy to get sidetracked times one million talking about this comic. BUT AHH!! BROBOT. his existence.. tragic.. Jakes really smart in knowing that all of dirks splinters enlighten aspects of himself he doesnt oft share, and the brobot served as another dirk action on the pile of dirk actions he engineers to signify his deep immense care for jake, where he lets these grand gestures and implications sit out in the open without ever actually saying what they mean and where his feelings lay.

EVEN IF ITS SUPER OBVIOUS. The d man cant use his big boy words to actually describe his feelings despite how much a yaps! so jake doesnt know if hes even allowed to say anything about his own. Fellas: Is it gay if you labour for supposedly an extended period of time to create a custom robot in your own image to ship in pieces to your best bro guy crush who is HUNDREDS OF YEARS IN THE PAST because you cant be there yourself?

I think this hal message says enough about how bad dirk wished he could visit jake 💀💀

[acotarfrustrations]

An ongoing list of ACOWAR grievances I'm keeping track of while I read (because there's too many to make a post about all of them) pt. 2

I'm on chapter 15 now and feeling the urge to complain again so here we go

1) the writing is way too overdramaticized. Like every other paragraph is some remixed version of feyre going "I wondered whether it would be eggs or bacon for breakfast. But when I looked at Rhys I realized that he was giving me my own choice. My mate, my high lord. In our home. With our family. Every thing was always my choice" and its CONSTANT, LIKE OH MY GOD GIRL SHUT UP

2) every thing about Lucien's plotlineand the elain mating thing. I HATE this subplot with a PASSION

3) feyre immediately fucking rhys when she got back instead of going to see her sisters

4) feyre and rhysand acting like they've ben separated for forty centuries instead of a month

5) the contradictions about how the high lord thing works. Like it was established that its a government position given to you through basically fate and being chosen by the cauldron or whatever which is why siblings kill each other for a chance for the throne and yet they just went to a priestess and swore feyre in as high lady?? It makes her title not feel real like it's purely ceremonial. It doesn't even make sense that she would be able to be HL of the night court as she has no more ties to that court than she does any other court. Is it because she's mated to Rhys? I don't understand the HL lord at all, it just keeps changing

6) the fact that Feyre, Rhys, and Cassian tell Lucien about their tragic backstories and everything that's happened to feyre at the NC and he just immediately does a Feyre™️. Like he's suddenly "Oh yeah you had a horrible childhood and took feyre into your found family without letting her explore relationships outside of the IC, that totally makes up for all the evil shit THAT IVE SEEN YOU DO WITH MY OWN 2 EYES. wow i cant believe youre not evil even though you killed 50 winter court children and sexually assaulted your mate and mind raped her constantly to get her to like you"

7) the way they're treating Nesta. It has been a MONTH since she was stolen from her home, brought amongst a race that she is terrified of and THAT ENSLAVED HER PEOPLE, and was forcefully turned into ONE OF THEM and the IC is acting like she's being unreasonable for not wanting to talk to them or to mate with Cassian. WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE EVEN BE THINKING ABOUT CASSIAN RIGHT NOW?? WHY THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD FOR HIM? Instead of him worrying about how his mate is doing regardless of his own comfort he's like WOE IS ME, SHE DOESNT WANT TO FUCK ME?????? GET OVER IT ASSHOLE?? WHY IS FEYRE EVEN LETTING CASSIAN COME NEAR HER AND ANTAGONIZE HER?? DOESNT SHE LOVE TO FLAUNT HER HL STATUS AROUND?? THIS IS THE TIME TO USE IT, PROTECT YOUR GODDAMN SISTER FROM HIM? ITS SO OBVIOUS THAT SHE DOESNT GIVE NEARLY AS MUCH OF A SHIT ABOUT NESTA AS SHE DOES ELAIN!!

8) the fact that sjm didn't keep cassian's wings shredded. Him learning to live with that would have been a badass character development but now sjm doesn't want me to have good things

9) the mating bond in general. I think it could be a potentially good plot device but no one ever employs it well and sjm is definitely the most egregious with it

10) the fact that the ic never gave consequences for their fucking actions. Feyre dies in acotar? Turn her into a fey and give her ALL of their powers. Stealing a precious artifact that they didn't even end up needing and getting a bounty on their head in the summer court and then getting that court invaded? That's fine because feyre is SOOO brave and says things that are common fucking sense which makes her SOOOO smart so we obviously need her as an ally so we'll just rescind the blood rubies. Getting the spring court sacked? That's fine we didn't like them anyway. Rhys and feyre's bond gets snapped? Well they didn't know about our super secret mating bond that is actually the only thing that gives our characters chemistry so we still like each other. Rhys causes irreparable damage to every court for 50 years and kills 50 kids? Well that's fine he was being held hostage and hey! We don't know he actually killed those kids 😡 Feyre, a 20 year old girl who's been fae for like 6 months and training for even less goes up against thousands of years old beings? She beats them effortlesslessly! Rhys gets sexually assaulted for 50 years! Well he planned all of it so it has no negative consequences on him. Cassian gets his wings shredded? Well he worked really hard and they're fixed now 🥰. Rhys FUCKING DIES?? Well that's no problem, tamlin can just resurrect him, nvm the fact that there's no reason why he WOULD. like no harrowing situation is ever interesting cause we all know sjm isn't actually going to do anything to the ic

11) "my mate" STOP SAYING IT PLS IM BEGGING

12) "males and females" STOP SAYING IT PLS IM BEGGING pt. 2

[shuxiii]

Hows of us— hanni x reader x minji (subtle)

Note: AHAIAHUA KATHNIEL REFERENCE 😋 And this might have been rushed since this has been in my draft for ages and i did not proofread.

Synopsis: Two old lovers meet again but feelings have changed yet one stays the same

As we grew older, our perception of life and love becomes more profound and different, it was no longer something we see as only happiness but also a fleeting moment and a painful experience.

Thats what it always had been with you and Hanni, it was a fleeting love and a painful end.

As you both gradually grew old and matured, everything changed.

She became more ambitious of her life and focused on everything but you.

And of course it always led to many arguments and constant silence but in the end of the day you still loved her, alot.

It goes the same for her, she loved you too, a lot—to the point she worries so much in your life, she was worried about your future about everything that involved you—but that's what is love, right?

worry is a sign of love. It says that, even though I am okay, I am selfless enough to suffer vicariously for you. And isn't that the definition of love?

Of course it was, Hanni loved you.

Even in your dreams and aspirations she loved you.

She knew you always had a burning passion for music—it revolved around you, it was your comfort and your sanctuary.

People around you have always told you, its a diffuclt path to go through—how its an uncertain and indeterminate.

But that didnt faze you at all it only made you want to prove them wrong.

Thats what made Hanni fall for you, it was your over-burning passion for something you love.

She admired the way your eyes glistened at something you adored, just as they did when you gazed at her.

It was like that, it used to be.

Sometimes there are times, its better to give up on things that are too late. But you never did.

08.16.2020

“Yn when are you going to stop this?” She looks at you with tired eyes.

Here it goes again, the same argument.

“You already know the answer, Han” you sigh “I’m not going to give up just yet.”

“Dont you think you’ve done so much already?” She grunts “You’re just going in circles, Yn.”

“Then I’ll keep going in circles if i have to!” You raise your voice. The stress and frustration evident to the tone of your voice.

“Yn, I’m only worried about you!” She frowns “But this is getting you nowhere!”

You felt yourself scoff at her words.

“There you go again, with the same lines” you sarcastically laugh “Han, if you were really worried about me then support me instead—I’m doing what i love why wont you be happy for me?”

“I am happy for you, I was happy for you!” She pauses “But all this stupid pinning for a dream that wont even happen is making you lose yourself—you’re just chasing for something thats far out your reach, yn!”

“Stupid? Is this what you ever saw to it? Stupid?” You stood up from your chair as now you were faced at her with a frustrated look.

“I’m trying my best here and all you think of it is fucking stupid?”

And at this moment of argument, Hanni would have softened her eyes or held onto you and whispered apologies and sweet words but it seemed like it changed now.

“I didn't see it as stupid at first yn, but it's not even a certain future!”

You felt yourself lose her, she seemed so out of reach now. Before she was always there for you—now it seemed like she was against you.

“You’re just like the others!” You felt something wet hit your cheeks “Do you even love me?”

You knew she would say yes without hesitation or contradiction but the look of sadness in her eyes made your heart ache.

There was a silence.

“Do you love me, han?” You stammer.

“Yn…” a mumble

“Do you love me, han tell me!”

“I love you, yn”

There was a pause.

It was the answer you wanted but it didn’t feel right anymore.

“I love you, but this dream you want is getting nowhere and I cant love someone who’s future is uncertain.”

She avoids your gaze as you saw tears fall on the polished floor.

“I love you so much, yn” she chokes from her constant cries “but I’m leaving for university.”

You felt your whole world crash in front of you, everything was turning and drastically changing, and that made you dizzy.

“What?” You stutter “what do you mean, han?”

“Let’s break up.”

All you could do was stare back at her eyes glinting as her tears covered her vision and the light reflecting on it, yet despite the sadness and defeated look she had, she effortlessly made sadness look pretty.

“Im sorry, yn.”

You hold onto her arms as you hugged her tightly in desperation.

“We can talk about this, han—like we always do.” You pleaded “just…just dont leave me, please.”

“I have to go.”

And no matter how much you hold onto her she eventually let go of your grasped, as you felt your knees give up.

“Han, don't do this to me? You promised you wouldn’t leave me!”

She looks at you one more time with glistening eyes before going out the door—out the door where your memories together lingered, out your life, and out of the love you gave all your effort and time—a love that can't be broken just like this, yet it did.

You try to chase for her but the rain blinded her figure from you, you try to hold onto her wrist as the rain damped you.

“Han, please…I dont know what to do without you,”

“Yn, you’ve done so much already, but I cant love you anymore.”

And just like that you were left with only the loud rain and a broken heart.

Since then the love that stayed with you for her grew to become ambitious and hateful—ever since she left you. You wanted to prove her wrong.

And as you became ambitious and resentful you began to lose yourself, your old self.

You drowned yourself in your goal, you began to forget the point of the future you wanted as it was covered with flaming anger for the person you once loved.

08.16.2023

“Yn, don’t forget you have a meeting with our collaboration this afternoon,” yunjin, your manager said before leaving you alone in the studio.

You could only nod as you were too distracted with your guitar and notes.

you scribbled and grunt every time the words didn’t fit each other.

You hear a knock and despite such vague knocking you knew who it was as the sound of the door opened and footsteps go to your sitting figure.

You felt an arm wrap around your shoulders.

“Hey,” she says, and despite not looking at her, you could feel her smile from her voice.

“Hey,” i say with a grunt.

“Having a hard time?” She asked, noticing your frustration.

“Yeah.”

You sigh eventually and drop the notebook from your hands as you finally faced her.

“It’s okay, I know you can go through it, you always do” she holds your hands with so much gentle.

And you felt all the frustration that bubbled up disappear in one go as the frown that stayed in your face replaced with a warm smile.

“What will I ever do without you?” You laugh, and hug her tight, she always knew how to make you smile.

She giggled as she hugged back your embrace and her scent covered your whole body.

Minji, was a friend you could ever ask for. she pulled you up in your darkest times. You didn’t know what would happen to you now if you didn’t meet her at all.

You both held each other in silence, she broke it.

“Meetings about to start we should go” she says, her head against your shoulders.

You could only hum in agreement as you let go of her touch that lingered against your skin.

You smile as you walked together, you gaze at the vinyl’s that were hanged on the walls.

You’ve always wanted to collect vinyls ever since you were a kid, yet you couldn’t just afford one, but now that you’ve reach the future you’ve committed to, you could buy millions of it.

Despite that, you don’t. you have never bought a single one at all. It no longer had any merit to you anymore, it had no sentimental value for you.

The thought of sharing all your dreams and goals to someone hurts you, its like once you share a part of your world to them, suddenly they become a part of your world, they align both in you heart and when they leave suddenly the thoughts and goals you’ve shared to them leave too.

As you and Minji both reached the room, you felt some kind of force stop you for a moment and that didn’t go unnoticed by Minji.

“Hey,” she brushes your hands against hers “are you okay?”

that made you break free from the thoughts you could only nod back in response.

It looked unconvincing, but she didnt press further.

Minji opened the door, she went in first.

Her figure blocked the view of the room yet you could see two figures or even three.

But as every second that went it felt like time stopped and your whole world turned over.

you gradually went in the room became more clear in your view and her eyes came in view back to yours.

Suddenly it felt like the weight of the world fell back on your shoulders, the sight of her made your chest heavy and your throat grow a lump.

You didn’t know wether your mind was playing tricks with you—you wish it did but your manager proved you thoughts wrong.

“Yn, i want you to meet Ms. Pham and Ms. Marsh”

You thought maybe it was a lookalike, a different person with the same face of the girl you once loved, but her gaze and her small frown was too vivid in your mind.

All you could do was stand motionless as she stared back at you like a stranger—like no memories lingered between you.

“Yn?” Minji whispered.

You didn’t reply both your eyes and attention focused on hers.

“Yn, are you okay?” Minji repeated herself, now grasping your arms with warmth and that made you breathe again.

That didn’t go unnoticed by hanni as her eyes looked between your hand intertwined to Minji’s.

“I’m sorry,“ was the words you whisper against your breath.

“Just got a little starstruck at Ms. Marsh’s beauty,” you say the truth but also the lie, ms. Marsh is pretty, but she wasnt the reason that took away the air in your lungs, she wasnt the reason why your heart felt heavy.

The tension that once filled the room, turned into polite laughters.

But you could only give a tight lip smile, to masked the perpetual ache that enveloped your heart.

08.20.2023

Ever since that day, your past and presents were aligned and it brought so much chaos in your life.

Out all of the people in this world it had to be her that you had to collaborate with.

You were now alone in the studio as Minji and your manager went out to buy something while you stayed to focus on writing.

Few hours into your composition you heard the faint sound of the door open, you didn’t budge as you thought it was probably Minji who just arrived in the studio now.

Yet the sound of someone else’s voice contradicted that, but not just any voice, it was hers.

“Hey,” she says.

You didn’t reply, still focused on the paper you were so busy with.

“Can you hear me?” She tries to get your attention again.

“Why are you here?” Your back still facing hers.

“Am I in the wrong room?” She jokes, “I’m here for the composition for my artist collaborative song, of course.”

You felt your head boil at her remark, as you gripped tightly on your pen before getting the courage to face her.

But now, you wished you didn’t because as the moment you looked back at her, her eyes were solely on yours.

And it made your chest burn in a certain way, a way you couldn’t help but hate.

“Hey,” she says again, now more closer to you.

You couldn’t say anything back as the proximity of her body with yours took the voice out of your throat, and that was easy for hanni to read, of course it would be, she has loved you long enough to know how you act and, yet, you didn’t change at all.

“Are you okay, yn?” She pretends to be clueless.

“I’m fine.”

You, first break the stare, going back on your composition but the loud banging of your heart remained.

After that tension moment between you two, both of you just sat in silence before the others arrived. Yet, the sound of your heart banged loudly enough to cloud your thoughts.

08.31.2023

She knocked loudly on your door that night with a bottle of whiskey on her hand, her words gibberish as she tried to talk to you.

And maybe it was the liquid courage that had Hanni looking back at your orbs, making her realise all the time she spent without you was only missing you in days when her world turned all crazy and out of control.

Because, when her world was in the midst of chaos, you were her solace.

“I still love you.”

Words that felt dangerous to speak out loud, but when alcohol and a sense of longing collide together those words are like sounds that await to become music.

Hanni, knew she would regret it as she opens her eyes in a new morning, but what does she have to lose? She already had so many regrets in life, how does this one make any difference than the rest.

You.

You were her first and greatest regret. Ironic to call it great when all it’s been for hanni was pain and loss in her end.

09.01.2023

“Love, please” she whispers, as she looks at you with so much desperation and that angered you even more.

“You dont get to call me that hanni,” your hands formed a fist tightly enough to make your kunckles white.

“You left me remember?” you laughed and the sound of your laugh made Hanni’s heart ache, she used to adore the sound of your laughter but now it only made her feel small and pitiful.

“You choose to leave me, but i cant blame you for that you had your own dreams and goals its your life and im merely someone you loved.”

“I still love you,” she mumbled enough for you to hear but you ignored it.

“But its not the reason why i hate you. I hate you because you were just like the others you told me my dreams were uncertain and unrealistic you told me that i cant reach my future, you left me because you lost faith in me and that hurt me because i thought you were different.”

“Or maybe i was just someone who thought they finally found their home, someone they could always be safe around, someone they could count on when times got rough. The person who saw something in you that nobody else could. The person that cared for you more than you could possibly imagine.”

You couldn’t hold it back anymore the past that you bottled the past 3 years couldn’t hold stay inside anymore.

“Yn—“ she tries to hold onto you but you only took a step away from her.

“Han, cant you see I’m tired?”

Hanni felt her heart beat louder when she heard you say her nickname again, she missed it so much— too much that she felt her tears fall.

She wanted nothing but to hear that name again but not in this way. Not in the way she expected it.

“Yn I’m sorry,” it was the only words that fall off her lips.

“Isn’t it a little too late for that han?”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

There was a thickening silence as you gaze at her small figure, you took a glance at her trembling hands.

Whenever she was nervous or sad she’d always have shaky hands and you always used to hold it back with yours to make it stop.

If it were different you would have held it by now, you would have hugged her, you would have kissed her by now.

“I’m sorry of the last three years of pain I caused you. I never wanted that.”

“I’m sorry that of all the people it had to be you, the person who only ever wanted was to love me. I’m sorry that i was the reason that you lost your sense of self worth, I’m sorry if you felt like loving you was hard, because truth be told, you were the best thing i loved and i still love until now.”

You could only look her in the eye with so much pain, it was the words your old self would have wanted to hear, you wished to hear.

But hearing them now felt empty, to you, it went in one ear and out the other

“Han, leave,” you whispered, “please leave.”

You avoided her gaze afraid that if you did, you’ll come back crawling to her and you couldn’t bear to afford that pain again.

After a moment, you slowly opened your eyes to find that she was no longer standing there — she left.

It would have been a lie if you said you didn't have at least a piece of her still in your heart, but even if she did you couldn't bear to love her anymore, not again.

But even then the room you both once shared—you didn't touch it at all or even clean the dust that as built throughout the years that has passed when she left you.

Because you still hoped through the years she would come back, and she did. But its too late.

You walked in the room that once lingered with so much memories and with each step you took it became heavier.

You brushed off the dust that covered the wooden chair in the room.

You didn't know why you went in here when it was the very same place she left you all the arguments and constant fights in this room.

You glanced around with a heavy heart, but something attracted your eye: a box half-hidden beneath the wooden bed.

You knelt as you lifted the fairly large box out of the bed.

The box seemed so familiar, then it dawned on you, it was Hanni's memory box, she must’ve left it before she left off for university. before everything.

You were hesitant to open it but with enough courage you did it.

And as your eyes gazed inside, all your pictures were together, from the first time you called it official, from your first gig in a bar and every anniversary you had.

You felt yourself reminisce with a pang of pain against your chest.

One thing drew your attention: it was a coffee stained piece of paper folded yet crumpled like it was meant to be hidden.

You gently opened it afraid it might break at any moment.

But as you read the first line you could feel yourself get lost in the pain again.

“Dear, Yn.

I know we argue almost everyday now and i know you’re getting tired of it. I am too.

I know you’re sick of everyone that as been putting you down from what you love the most, i know it has been frustrating you.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for not being the best girlfriend to you lately—i try to be but i’m going through my own hardships myself and i dont want my feelings to burst on you.

I know I’ve said so many hurtful words to you that i didn’t mean. I know you think i hate you at the moment and i know you don’t feel my love at this time.

But, I want you to know that despite our disagreements, my love for you remains unwavering and unconditional.

i know that lately, I've been falling short of the person i promised i'd become, the person you deserve.

Yn i see how much you're struggling, how much you're hurting, and it crushes me.

but i cant do anything because the truth is i don't know how anymore.

Yn, don't give up on us. don't let go.

I swear from now on, love. I promise to be more patient, understanding. I will strive to listen to your dreams and aspirations with an open heart, knowing that they are an integral part of who you are.

Please remember, that I am here for you, and I will always be your biggest supporter.

I want you to know. I need you to know, that you're always going to be the greatest love of my life.

I love you more than my life.

whatever happens in the future, I hope you reach the future you’ve always wanted, regardless of your challenges.

I know you're not the kind to give up just yet, and that's what makes me love you endlessly and tirelessly; don't ever allow anyone, even me, to stop you from doing what you genuinely love.

I love you so much.

Yours forever,

Han.”

You felt the tears that once masked your face fall onto the crumpled paper grasped within your quivering hands.

Suddenly it felt harder to breathe as you read the letter over and over again, it just didnt feel right.

You crouched down with all your effort, holding onto a vinyl that had become dusty after being there for so long.

It was your favorite song.

She got you the record you'd always wanted as an apology.

Your legs eventually gave into the trembling and you fell to the floor, your exhausted sobbing echoing the empty room that was once filled with so much memories.

Your mind became inundated with numerous thoughts, and the pain you experienced was more intense than the day she broke your heart.

It was ironic. So ironic that she was the one to let go first.

The tears that ran down your face didn't stop, they couldn't, and you had no control over them as your breath was stolen away from you.

You would have been okay that day, everything would have been still alright but you know too well it wouldn’t because dreams reach farther than love could.

And the love you once knew could never be worth so much.

[persona-brainrot-real]

a very long about haru because i love her and im upset about how the game let her story get overshadowed at every turn

its nearly 3am rn but i'm thinking about how genuinely insane it is for persona 5 to introduce Haru as a character who is struggling to find any of her autonomy and treat her the way that they do. her father is marrying her off to a man who makes it explicitly clear he wants to use her for sex and even Okumura, in his palace, is shown to understand this.

[ID: three screenshots of Persona five royal. In the first, Haru in her Phantom Thief outfit says "Father! You want me to be that mans plaything to satisfy your own ambitions?" the second is of Shadow Okumura, looking angry, saying "This is the only value you've had from the very beginning. The third image is before the boss fight against the cognition of Haru's fiance. He is saying "let's have fun! I'll play with you until I get bored!"]

even outside of the palace, in their daily life he makes it extremely clear that he has no intent on trusting Haru with company business (likely because he expects the company to be handed off to her husband after he dies) and he doesn't acknowledge her feelings or anything she says to defend her own autonomy (i know this is me reciting everything in the game i do have a point)

[ID: three screenshots of Persona five royal. In the first, Haru is upset as she says "So I'm not even allowed to decide where I will live, am I?". In the second, Okumura is saying "not only do you come home late, you've even stayed out overnight without permission..." looking disapproving. In the third image, Okumura is saying "I have my hands full right now with the company. Don't cause any more trouble for me." He is holding his phone.]

even when she first joins your team, she tries to insist on being useful and fighting, considering this is her request and her fathers palace, and morgana tells her she cant. i know its 'for her own sake' that she cant fight, but considering that Morgana was there when she first awakened and planned on using her to get through a palace alone, its really frustrating to then see him say shes not strong enough to fight in a team.

[ID: two screenshots of persona five royal. Both are taken in Okumura's palace. In the first, Haru is saying "I can fight too! Please, let me join you in battle!". In the second, Morgana is saying "Your persona is too weak to fight safely at the moment. Just leave that side of things to us for now."]

and this comes in AFTER morgana, while using her, gets her to insult his friends on his behalf because hes annoyed with them, even though she's visibly uncomfortable doing so, contradicts what morgana wants her to say, and is shown later to have no real malicious feelings for them - and all of the bitter feelings she DID have were because morgana told her that the PT's were mean and didn't treat him right or didn't need him, which wasn't true to begin with, and is why she has to ask him for direction on what to say,

[ID: Haru looks upset. She stands opposite the Phantom Thieves and looks at Morgana. She is asking him "What was it again?"]

and you bring all of this into a brilliant character of a girl who is so self-assured, so firm on what she wants and her own autonomy - i want to be a Phantom Thief, i want to be a hero, i want to have my autonomy but more importantly i want to earn it, i want to change my fathers heart myself so that he becomes a better person and a better business owner, i want to prove to him that i can be trusted with the company and that i have more worth than being married off - but never really gets to express that? Even when it comes to the fight with Okumura and her chance to have her moment - the moment where Yusuke tells Madarame he's a coward who lost sight of his passion, where Ann gets to tell Kamoshida that he's only alive because she wants him to live through all he's done (both in the palace and the real world), where Futaba gets to talk to her mom directly in a scene that always makes me tear up - Haru's moment to stand up to her father is overshadowed by her father speaking to Morgana instead!!!!!

i know that this could also be a huge meta moment - he sees his daughter standing up to him, defending herself, and dismisses her entirely to try and appeal to the next rational subject, a man, but . the man is a cat. it doesnt work as well if he turns to a cat to be like "well certainly you'll be more reasonable" and turns the focus to Morgana - who has already taken up a lot of time that Haru deserved to have recognised!!!!

i have issues with morgana, yes, and I believe a lot of that arc could have been really useful character building for him if it had been handled slightly better, given more weight and better pacing, but it really wouldn't have been such a big problem for me if it hadn't been pushed so heavily during Haru's character moments, because she is SUCH a good character!!!!

in her first appearance she makes for a really good subversion of what the PT's think that they are. her insistence on working for justice helps them work through their temporary doubt for what their purpose is and by having such a difficult situation happening in her life, she unites them all on something that they have to do. At least until they go to Okumura's palace for the first proper investigation, the intent to rescue Haru from her fiance is more important than the Phan-site and more important than any of Okumura's business practices.

she prioritises everyone elses happiness over her own to the point where she watches her father die on live television and tells the PT's to continue having fun at destinyland without her without considering that they'd want to be there for her. She has always suspected that people only wanted to be her friend for her money - and this seems to have affected her so much that despite being 'secretive about her history' at Shujin, she still doesn't mention at any point whether or not she has friends and is only seen speaking with teachers.

after her fathers death she has no real reason to trust any of the PT's - they were navigating with an unknown method, with no proof to show that what they were doing wouldn't cause a mental shutdown, they barely know each other, and yet she trusts them in spite of this and places her faith in the PT's regardless. even when faced with the person who DID kill her father, she understands that his death was a larger piece in a bigger plan and that it wasn't akechi's fault, it was the fault of Shido for ordering him dead, and in Shido's palace she's able to get the catharsis of killing the cognition of the person who aired her fathers death publicly on TV.

And what I think is a more frustrating part than any of that - where all of the Phantom Thieves, after their palace, get following story beats that increase their importance to make sure that you, as the player, can get attached to them, but the more PT's that join the team, the harder it is to juggle all of those characters and a lot of them have very vocal and prominent personalities that keep them involved. Yusuke's general quirks and behaviour keep him interesting, Makoto has an entire arc that's established ages before she's involved in Kaneshiro's palace, Futaba becoming navigator keeps her relevant, but where Haru's arc is taken over by Morgana in the palace where she's introduced, all subsequent story beats are entirely overtaken by Akechi.

Don't get me wrong, I love Akechi and he is in my brain 24/7, but it is extremely unfortunate that her fathers death immediately kickstarts the section of plot where the PT's realise that they're being tricked, meaning the plot suddenly ramps up, and during the school fair (something Haru is explicitly very excited about), Akechi's growing popularity and prominence in the story takes centre stage, especially as a day later he blackmails the PTs and joins their party.

Again, not complaining about Akechi, its just unfortunate that Haru's main story is clouded over by Morgana having a character arc and then the fan favourite comes in and immediately becomes the most prominent character for almost the entire rest of the game. It's sad because I love Haru but it wasn't until I romanced her that I realised how much I love her and how much there is too her - which ESPECIALLY sucks because it makes the section where you're reassuring her in the velvet room fall so flat compared to how you reassure everyone else.

ALL to say that i think it's wild to have a character whose entire arc routinely revolves around proving herself and reclaiming her autonomy from the men in her life, like her father and her fiance, and having her character arc so heavily influenced and even overshadowed by morgana, a male character. thank you guys for listening and if you disagree with me consider writing what your opinions are on your own post and not on mine :3

Anyway. huge rant post over. Haru is my wife and my girlfriend and my silly rabbit and i think she should be hyped up way more. ESPECIALLY for her showtime attack with makoto because that's fucking adorable. everyone must post one thousand haru okumura positivity posts right now

[ID: a gif of Haru Okumura, in her Phantom Thief outfit, holding her hat with one hand and pointing with the other. She says "I am no longer your subservient puppet!" while looking determined.]

[satancopilotsmytardis]

WHAT JS THIS HAAAAA YOU CANT LEAVE US ON A CLIFFHANGER LIKE THIS TANCOOOOO THIS JS CRIMINAL!!!! I want to know I want the knowledge what is happening,,, they've been lied too!! Treason! Treason to the peoples!!!

Also since I know afo has always been the *real* bad guy in your story I can't wait to see what happens with him!!! Are you gonna make him a grey character (I have bad vibe from him, I'm watching him 👁️👁️) or Is Tomura going to have an existential crisis when he realized that his father ain't that great???? Hooooo so much question!!! I'm excited hihiiiii (like ik afo is a manipulative pos but is he a grey manipulative pos or is he just an evil asshole y'know?)

I really hope we see more of natsuo and shoto! I wanna see dabi reconcile with his lil baby bro :D

And Eriiiiii noooo whyyyyy baby your gonna be taken care of now papa Tomura is there for you!

I love how everyone interact together! They're such a loving family I can't!!! Toga is so cute and jin giving his leg for her that is so fucking wholesome!! Love my little psycho fr! And spinner is so cool!! Him being best friend with Tomura really shows in this! He doesn't take tomuras bullshit haha XD they're such besties my heart can't take it ᡣ𐭩 Sako is gold and the way you transformed his power is so cool too! I'd imagine it's not super practical to have a million thick stone tablet or smth instead of thin paper XD also magne omg she don't just have big sis energy she IS big sis!! How she comforted dabi and was like here take my snot XDD amazing!

Ho and the way you describe the environment!! I feel like this is the first fic (I only read all your bnha fic so I'm just talking about them) where you really went into it in the world building since we're not in the bnha world and omg this is so good! I could see everything and it was very pretty haha! You make me want to break out my drawing stylus but shipwreck are Nott he easiest to draw, would you belive it (╥﹏╥)

Chisaki sure got what was coming to him eh? Each time you described him with his smug face I was so angry omg but I'm so happy he was a good fight for Tomura tho would have been sad if he was just obliterated and that was it! Happy he's gone tho (really hope he is) and that Eri is safe! :)

Also the way you described that siren that passed the test (fucking epic, no idea what was happening but I'm loving it, singing while stabby stab? Perfect) made me think of midoriya fr but then I thought wasn't he with shoto in hollow barrier? I'm not sure anymore, do you have plans of what to do with midoriya? 👀

Them eating chocolates is gold! Did I say I love toga? Cause I love toga!

Dabi discovering how things are in graveforge is so cool yet saddening man his life really fucking sucked before (I feel like it's about to suck even more but at least it's not a boring type of suck y'know? XD)

Just leaving that there but dabi throwing up his stomach his a mood fr

I'm disabled personally and I really like how you tackled disability and ableism so far. Dabi compensating with his leg is really cool and the fact that he has to hide it or he'll be judge by his hollow barrier pair I'd verry nice (plot storywise I mean XD) as a disabled person I do feel like a fucking burden everywhere I go and with how dabi was 'sheltered' (if you can say that) he would be very easily manipulated by afo telling him he needs to contribute to the reef and all that. Kind of in contradiction of what Tomura said about no one being broken hmmmmm 👀 (watching you afo 👁️👁️) while I agree that doing nothing all day and being a trophy husband/mate can be boring, dabi just got here, is still learning the language and he's disabled! Like give him a break afo! Dabi can find his own calling without being pushed pass his limit to 'prove himself' 🙄 (sorry that one was personal 😅)

Also omg poor toga I CANNOT believe shig told her everything he wanted to say to dabi this one must have been hell! Pfffff the little awkwardness when dabi and her hugged after sksksksk

It's dabi who healed Tomura!! Im sure!! He ate flesh and boom! Magic power!! How tho, not sure XD can't wait to see what you do with his magic cause he can't really throw fire underwater now can he? Imagine he goes on land one day and just, burn the island sksksk 'oops' ˚▱˚

Also illegal that you made afo walk in on them sksksksksks horrible! But you write so wonderfully! Sometimes I read a synopsis of a story and I'm like 'no, I know I won't like this, too much second hand embarrassment' but it never happens with how you write! There were some story idea of yours that I wasn't sure I would like but everytime you blew me away! You have such a way of writing that it makes everything believeble and the story always flow so wonderfully! Also can't believe that cannibalism followed by sex was there and it was hot goodamit! Shouldn't be surprised tho, like I said you write everything so well (lost faith in myself after that zombie dabi piece you wrote. After that I was like okay keept it going ig no more fuck need to be given at this point XD)

No wait- what happening to Tomura?? What wrong tell me whATS WRONG YOU CAN NJST DO THAAAAT ༼⁠;⁠´⁠༎ຶ⁠ ⁠۝ ⁠༎ຶ⁠༽

Gosh sorry this is all out of order but that's how my brain is and excitement doesn't help (⁠•⁠ ⁠▽⁠ ⁠•⁠;) also sorry for the mistakes English ain't my first language and you can sprinkle a bit of dyslexia on top of that smh

Jail to endeavor for lying and eating his people while starving everyone else and jail to you for this horrible cliffhanger <3

Okay I'm going to sleep now. If I dream about gay fish it's on you

I'm cackling, thank you so much! This chapter was a huge one and I'm so glad that so many of the different elements stuck out to you! I can't say much about what's happening moving forward but I can say that the new siren is absolutely not Midoriya! And the beauty of writing a whole AU means that I can ignore the original main character lol, so he will likely barely be mentioned going forward

I can't wait to start unraveling all of the things to come and I hope you continue to enjoy the ride!

[lillys-shadow]

Also

Ive been feeling pretty down lately.

I wrote an essay detailing a bunch of problems I've been having and how they've been fucking over my life for like the past three years. And I used DDLC to contextualize some of it, mainly because it was hugely influential in my ability to like think. emotionally. So when I send it to mother and her response is along the lines of "So... a game made you trans. Are you sure this isnt just an ADHD thing?" (which A. I have not been diagnosed for ADHD, she just has a hunch that I have it because my brother and father have it, and i have some of the characteristics commonly associated, and B. what the fuck, I just spilled the shit thats been affecting my mental health the worst and your response is "are you sure you didn't just make it up" what the actual fuck) not to mention I told her that I am trans (properly this time, instead of just going "oh hahah i have gender dysphoria thats why i wrote this entire vent piece E.P about how your attitude towards gender has fucked over my self worth" like that wasnt enough. Theres literally a song called "fault" literally saying its her fault I dont want to talk to her about things. And then "waltz of the night" which says things like "summer, what if you could die. summer, wouldnt be nice" played BACK TO BACK. And the first song being about how "summer" is just a placeholder for *me* but the gender fuckery has taken hold) and I told her I go by Lilly (she/her) I EVEN SAID THAT I WOULDN'T BE MAD IF SHE DIDN'T USE MY PROPER LABELS (mainly to soften the impact but whatever) AND SHE STILL RANTED ABOUT HOW ITS UnFaIr ThAt I bE sOmEoNe ShE dOeSnT kNoW mE aS.

And its just like, what do I even do here. So I tried to clarify the problems and she responds with "you had a bunch of contradictions, btw no amount of money could make you look like a woman" without telling me any of the supposed contradictions IF YOU HAD OF JUST TOLD ME THEM I WOULDVE CLARIFIED WHAT I MEANT OMG and acting as if passing trans women dont exist (I know passing shouldnt be the goal and its completely valid to not pass, I just want to for dysphoria reasons i guess, and I mentioned that we probably dont have the money to start HRT or a psychiatrist or to get any sort of surgery (which the latter I probably couldnt get anyway). And THEN she has the FUCKING AUDACITY to set the email to spam so I cant respond. And says "You will keep believing what you want to believe despite the evidence" (without citing a single FUCKING source of evidence, at least I quoted Judith Butler and Philosophy tube in my ramblings (I wasnt even trying to prove anything either, just that I shouldnt have to fight ma on how other people who are not her should refer to me if they tell me i need her approval)) and its like what do i even do at this point. So I shut up and just try to ignore her presence (which is really bloody hard because she and I were regularly really close). And she still hasnt brought it up, its been a goddamned week and Ive been home alone with her for three days in a row now. not a single word. I cant bring it up cause Im scared shell get mad or Ill say something incorrectly and shell use it as ammo to further fuck over my dysphoria. And Im not sure but Im like 60% sure she said something like "and then i realised, hes probably just faking it" which I shouldnt be mad about because A. im not even sure it was said B. I dont have any context C. it was said over the phone at 2am. But it was the day after I had sent it, I was absolutely fucked mentally. Like I know its not fair for me to be mad at her for, but nonetheless it still fucking hurts.

I mean not too long before (maybe a month or so) I literally thought "what if mum still thinks of me as a boy" and 3 hours later I have the worst cuts I had given myself. And now I know how it is, I know she does, and theres obviously nothing I can do. And certainly nothing I should do. And the only real emotional pillar I have had lately is my gf and I dont wanna vent too hard on her, I obviously want her to be happy (if youre reading this i love you <3), so ive felt kinda trapped idk. I swear to god the moment I turn 17 im buying a van and leaving, idrc about the specifics, just not here. (ill prolly back out of that before I turn 17 but i dont really give a fuck a girl can dream).

I gave her a quote of something she said, that was innocuous but had caused me a great deal of pain (she had told her friend that I wanted to go for "book week" as catnus everdeen because "I like attention" which was false, but also from her perspective she was talking about my goddamned whining persistance. But I took it as a judgement on the crossdressing I was dabbling in at the time (which catnus everdeen really wasnt lol but hey younger me was younger)) and her responce was "You took that out of context and youve written how it effected you in a cruel manor." and its like. THAT. WAS. THE. FUCKING. POINT. I kkknowww it was out of context, but it still fucking hurt, I only talked about it because it legitimately hurt me regardless of the actual context, and so that she doesnt do the same thing this time. AND SHE IMMEDIATELY THROWS AWAY THAT LINE OF THINKING FOR but thats not faiiir its not myy fault you misintirrpret things and its like, no its not but could you still be mindful that your words can AND WILL fuck me over if theyre not handled correctly.

I just- eugh. It would have been fine if she had of just had a conversation yknow. Like if we had've talked it out and got to some sort of conclusion. Instead of you will never think *spam*. Like I get to sit here instead with an unhealthy caffeine problem, horrible gender dysphoria, a cutting problem (both sexual and not so), and the fact that the person I looked up to most doesn't want to talk to me about the thing that has pretty much ruined my life and the steps that need to be taken to rectify those things.

Also the crippling insomnia its 3:20 now for gods sake.

[maschotch]

the henry growing up problems please 👀

aldhkshd ok this is definitely 100% made up and based purely on my interpretation of the jareau family since we get very little on how jj actually is as a parent (and even less on her kids’ personalities). so dont take it too seriously

to me henry seemed so.. quiet. to be fair he’s like three the first time we meet him aldhsk but im gonna go ahead and interpret his demeanor the few times we see him as a mild temperament. kind of like will, but will’s comes from consideration and courtesy while henry’s comes from having a very clear and simple path laid out for him with no options available

i think what im actually basing a lot of this on is jj’s relationship with her own mom. its such a strained relationship. her mom can barely get out a sentence without jj rolling her eyes and jj seems hypersensitive to her mother’s criticism. this is undoubtedly because she was likely criticized constantly as a child—constantly under scrutiny by a prideful, humiliated family under scrutiny by a “tight-knit” (invasive), traditionalist town. sucks to say it lol but the jareau family was probably judged a lot by her sister’s suicide: a dark stain on the reputation of the family. and with a mother who would rather pretend nothing happened for the sake of their image instead of putting jj’s needs first… not only did her family shove aside this devastating event, they placed all expectations of their family’s success on their remaining daughter’s shoulders. it was jj’s duty to make up for the embarrassment of her sister that she wasnt even able to mourn

when someone grows up under such omnipresent, overwhelming pressure, it can sometimes lead to them applying similar pressure to their own children as a way to prepare them for the world of their own childhood rather than the world their child is currently experiencing. that combined with jj’s pride in being a mother (prioritizing a pride in the position it gives her over actually mothering her children) creates a certain ~energy… it doesnt feel right to just say she’s assertive and leave it at that: it doesnt fully encompass the actual situation. she’s making up for all the freedom she lacked by decisively doing things her way now, not realizing that its placing a similar barrier on her own children. we know she’s repeating the same mistakes her mother made through the way jj talks (more aptly put: doesnt talk) to henry about rosaline

from the few interactions we see of will and jj as parents, its clear that jj has the final word. she feels entitled to make decisions concerning their family, and resists any kind of correction or suggestion. i feel like jj would be the kind of mom whose love feels like a cage: henry can sense the boundaries established by a mother he’s never seen challenged. i really do believe that jj wants to do whats best for her child, but her view is so cut and dry that her devotion to her child twists into defense of her parenting skills. while she has henry’s best intrest in mind, she’d only looking at it from her own perspective by only considering what happened in her own childhood

i think its almost worse for henry that all of this is done out of love, bc theres no way to argue against that. “im doing this because i love you” “i just want you to be happy” “i want whats best for you” are all seemingly loving sentiments that sours any attempt of contradiction. henry seems too sweet to further challenge his mother, so i think henry gives up defying her by the time he’s a teenager. even if he’s hurting, even if he cant do what he wants, even if the constraints feel like a noose around his neck, “mother knows best.” “be true to yourself, but only within the realm of what i find acceptable”

between his mother’s unyielding resolve and his father relenting, its unlikely henry grew up with much of a backbone. he has no confidence in himself as an individual: everything has been dictated by his mother, who’s been forever unopposed in his mind. she’s like a next level helicopter mom: her hovering presence is always felt and he always remains in his mother’s shadow. he has no hope to see beyond the barriers his mom has constructed bc the concept of confronting her has never been a possibility in his life—whether its him, his father, or anyone else for that matter. jj gets her way no matter what.

im uncertain on how self aware jj is about this constant conflict within her. assuming she truly wants whats best for her child, at some points she must realize that what she’s doing isnt healthy either. i just dont think the jj we see in the show is capable of acknowledging such a huge mistake. i think she’d double down on it instead of changing her ways, refusing to acknowledge any harm she may be causing despite knowing the truth. it would take a long time, and a LOT of introspection, for her to actually acquiesce

it would probably take a lot of work to undo that submissive mindset thats been instilled in henry his whole life. i think if he was an only child he’d probably stay in his mother’s grip, unwilling to hurt someone he knows genuinely cares about him. “its not worth it,” he may think, “what i want doesnt matter.”

im not sure why i think things go differently from michael. maybe bc little brothers, so im told, like to act like little shits. but between the two children i think he’s far more likely to butt heads w their mother. instead of accepting his mother’s limitations as just the way the world is—the way henry does—michael would get fed up with the constant handle jj has on every aspect of his life, rebelling against his mother’s control. i think it’d definitely be amplified once he’s a teenager, and i think the persistent fighting would lead jj to reflect on herself in a way henry’s obedience wouldnt. she’ll realize how much she’s become like her mom and learn to do what she wished her mother had done when she was a kid: listen

again this is all just speculation. i feel like jj would be a very domineering mother, even if it comes from a good place. will doesnt know how to stand up to her and his easygoing nature means he doesnt really mind letting her have complete control of the reins. but choosing that environment and growing up in that environment are two very different things, and i think henry would suffer for it

[bloodycassian]

Rhys x reader - reader is a winter court runaway who the bat boys find almost freezing to death. longer! - I'm also interested in writing for the crescent city universe if that's something you guys would like. absolutely no Ruhn x Bryce though. It made me uncomfy reading it!! what did yall think about the weird (IMO) tension between Ruhn and Bryce?

Cold seeping into your bones, the dark figures looming above didnt comfort you into the sweet embrace of sleep that you wanted. Sleep or otherwise would be welcome at this point. You could no longer feel your body, besides the painful shuddering your core would occasionally give.  "No-" You heard a deep voice snarl. Then there was ripping, and rustling among the dead leaves on the ground. The sickly sweet smell of their decay made you grimace further.  "We have no time Rhys. We need to go now." A gravelly voice said calmly.  "I cant-" There was gasping and suddenly you were being lifted, warmth caressing under your knees and around your back. You sighed into the relief the welcome heat brought.  Rhysand's legs quivered as he watched his brother pick you up. His eyes brimmed with shock and tears. His mate. How could the cauldron be so brutal? To make a Winter Court noble his mate. To make such a politically powerful family's heiress his. His partner. His everything. A threat to Kallis' throne was his person. His tether that now speared him to the spot Cassian held him in. His heart yearned, wide and open and firey with rage. He had no doubt Kallis himself had a part in this. Azriel's shadows were warm against your skin.It contradicted every rumor you'd ever heard about the spymaster killing in a cold beautiful way. Your lips chattered as you tried to form words. "Who-" You attempted, but were shushed by the male carrying you.  The last thing you remembered before passing out was the bite of wind and a sound of branches breaking under someone's heavy footfall.  + Rhysand wallowed. He didnt care if he looked like a simpering love sick teenager.. But his brothers were concerned. He hadn't eaten or seen you since he had felt that bond snap into place. His chest constricted at the very thought of you. He flew, in the dead of night. Once he had made sure you were alive and stable he just left, flying and flying without a purpose or a place in mind. He didnt doubt that Azriel knew about it.  The one time he landed, on a high peak overlooking the cool city of Winter Court...he did not get up again. He let the cold winds beat him, until he could no longer feel his toes, his feet. He sat until the overcast skies began darkening. Contemplating if he could kill Kallis himself or wait for you to decide what to do with him. His teeth yearned to tear out his throat himself.  Kallis was the only foreseeable reason Rhys could think of that would have explained why his mate had almost died at the hands of this merciless barren land. There was no way the noble family had just let you run off and... Rhysand shuddered - the thought of the family even being alive hitting home. Azriel hadn't found anything but a bloody trail that night.  His heart raced. A sudden feeling of anxiety loomed over him. He shot into the sky as fast as his stiff body and cold wings let him. Your hand was still wrapped in bandages, and you were sure your hair was a mess as the two wraiths doted on you. They had said nothing, even when you had pleaded with them. They had merely stopped and gotten the healer. She was insisting on using her magic on your neck and head when darkness shaded the room, and there were hurried footsteps up the stairs. The healer shook her head and opened the door, where night and shadows itself stood, staring at you with wide violet eyes filled with stars. Your heart hummed in your chest, and your head spun at his beauty. You knew him without ever meeting him, like a switch you were suddenly - secure. More at home than you'd ever felt in your cold homeland. The breath was stolen from you. His lips parted and he stepped into the room, "May I stay?" He asked, voice raw and charming.  The healer scoffed, returning to your side, placing her hands on your blanketed legs. You nodded at him. "Only if you tell me what is going on." he nodded back, glancing suspiciously towards the healer. "Where is Madja? I sent for her yesterday." He seemed irritated, his jaw clenching. "Madja is still working on your brother after what you did to him." She said in a clipped tone. Rhys' face went a shade red at that. Regret bloomed in his stomach. He sighed, sitting on the floor at the end of the bed burying his head in his hands, exhausted. Your head spun. "There are no stories of you having a brother." You said. His figure moved with a slight chuckle. "Brother in a metaphorical sense. Though they may as well be." He let out a long breath, unhiding his face and pulling a hand through his hair.  "He tried getting me to see reason while I was being...well.. unreasonable."  There was a small tug on your chest towards him, as if he was calling you to be on the floor with him. You wanted to. You wanted to tell him that you wanted to join him too. But you were bound to the bed by exhaustion and the bandages covering you. The healer placed her hand on your knee, a coolness thrumming down your leg into your foot. She tisked in disapproval. "Now you being unreasonable has this one refusing to let me heal her head. Do something about this your highness, I dont believe theres anything wrong but we must be abso-" Rhysand cut her off by holding a single finger up.  She scoffed and left the room, closing the door a bit too hard for normal. You smiled slightly at that, glad to be rid of a healer even for a few minutes.  He blew out a  long breath, avoiding eye contact with you. "What do you remember?" He asked you, eyebrows knitting together. He stared at his feet, like he was trying to piece together a puzzle.  You knew what he meant. You cringed away from the few memories. "It was cold.." You started, shying away from the tingling in your foot at the memory. "Why wont you let the healer try to help?" He asked, not judgemental but more curious than anything. He got up with a tired grunt, and pulled a leather armchair beside you.  Your heart raced at the closeness he presented. You didnt want to imagine what you looked like. Even with Fae healing you knew the tips of your ears may have still been blue from the cold of the wilderness of winter court. "I dont need it. I dont... want the help. I dont see a point to it." You tried your best at a shrug, your arms protesting.  "Your family..." He began. Your heart fluttered, cheeks heating. A headache bloomed in your temples as your brain grasped for memories of the night. Rhysand waited patiently, studying your face. They had screamed and threatened to cut you out of the family dynasty if you refused the marriage. Broken glass and running. No shoes, pain in your lungs from the cold air.  "My sorry excuse for a family left me to die." You growled once you felt steady enough to say.  Head pounding, you took a drink of water from the night stand. "I was meant to marry Kallis' oldest, but when I refused they took issue with it."   "And they tried to kill you.. so you ran?" He asked, his voice strained.  "Not exactly... I cant...." You rubbed your aching head. It felt like you were sick, like you needed a cold bath. Your stomach roiled with the pain.  Concern took over Rhys' features. "I can help." He offered, his hands fisting in the blankets, like he wished he could rip the pain away from you.  "Do whatever" You groaned, sinking back into the pillows. "I dont care anymore." You wanted so badly to just let your body give out in those woods. Let some snow bear find you and be a snack for its cubs. You had no family, no home.. and no status any longer. Your mind seemed to be coated in a dark blanket, relief flowed through you. For the first time his eyes were locked with yours when you looked up. The magnificent depth of them was astounding. His dark brows pulled together, studying your features. There was that tug towards him again. You picked up that thread and tugged back, lazily.  He blinked, taking a sharp breath. Confusion rolled through you, then his voice ripped through your mind like an echo. "I've been waiting for you."

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[kendrixtermina]

Appreciating the Range of Type 6, or, one stereotypical example, and three that aren’t.

I want to tell you about some type 6 ppl that I know in my personal life.

Exemplar #1: F. B.

Complete Stats

Wing: 5 p or cp: largely phobic – lots of safety worries, outright authoritarian follower personality Instinct: sp/soc Trifix: 613  - 6w5 1w2 3w2 (“The Taskmaster” or “The Middle Manager”) jungian: ISTJ / SLI-Te oldham: Conscientious & Aggressive Essence Type: Mars Temperament: Pure Choleric

What he’s like:

Not pleasant.

Every “strict conservative middle aged guy” stereotype in the book. Control freak, makes a mountain out of every molehill, sees the world as full of axe murderers, judgemental as fuck, horrible temper and yet completely impersonable, all his opinions are copypasted from right-wing news sites. When they say war is good he’s for war, and when they say war is bad he’ll be like “At least Trump did not start any more wars” without perceiving a contradiction. Despite this, he believes is very hot, principled and funny. He is none of these things. He puts people down nonstop. My knowledge of neurochemistry tells me that he must have emotions somewhere or he couldn’t function, but I ain’t ever seen a single one of those emotions. They’re all for his job and a few trusted mentor figures. And his mom. At least he loved her.

If you say anything he doesn’t like, he “throws the sofa out the window” as his wife once put it.

How he’s a Type 6:

Well, he’s pretty much every negative stereotype in a nutshell… other than distrusting his partner. But that might be cause hes sx blind, or cause the wife is big on monogamy & wouldn’t ever cheat.

The one positive trait of 6 that he has is that he does his research. Before moving anywhere he googles the crime rates and if you need a doctor he might find you the best one. But even that can be overriden by ideology (hydroxychloroquine!). And if you don’t take his exact advice, there goes the sofa out the window again…

And I guess the work ethic from all 3 parts of the trifix really comes through – he hasn’t had a single bad grade in his life and always keeps collecting new certifications, and will make sure you hear about it...

Exemplar #2: I.

Complete Stats

Wing: 5 P or cp: pretty much an even mix of phobic and counterphobic Instinct: sp/soc Trifix: 614 - 6w5 1w2 4w3 (Would prolly call herself “The Big Pain” rather than “The Philosopher” ^^°) jungian: INTJ / ILI-Ni oldham: Serious & Conscientious Essence Type: Saturn Temperament: Chlor-Mel

What she’s like:

I’d describe her as serious, mature, discerning, focused and passionate about her friendships, if perhaps somewhat forceful at times, with a dry, sarcastic sense of humor.

Comes across like someone who knows what she’s talking about, with well-articulated points.

Often the Responsible Sibling, Designated Sanity Checker or Bullshit Detector.

Prefers to plan everything in advance in typical Ni dom fashion, even amusement part trips. Gets somewhat anxious without a future plan or shedule.

Often mistaken for a whole lot more sociable and confident that she really feels inside. (even I kinda bought it and got her whole darn trifix wrong on my first typing attempt, though that was when I was new to typology) She can act the boss act temporarily to get the situation over with, but she actually hates making decisions.

She does however have the occasional cute/pure moment where that lower function block comes out.

How she’s a Type 6:

She has saved our family from many a terrible restaurant by making sure to check the reviews. The preparing for all possible dangers is very 6, the acting tough outwardly when youre inwardly anxious, the intellectual problem solving & some tendency towards organization/responsibility/ “logistic” intelligence.

One online test she took gave her 5w6 instead of 6w5 but that’s probably just the ITxx-ness leaking in. I remember this one time we were discussing this artsy-fartsy theater play to which we’d had fascinatingly different reactions, and at one point I half-jokingly said something like “But does anyone ever really feel connected to others, or is that a myth?” to which she wrote, “[Name], what the fuck? Yes I do.” and then immediately deleted it. That’s more of a 6 reaction innit?

Nonetheless the wing does feature in significantly – for example she got very well informed about a lot of topics because she researched them to assuage a random survival-related fear, like, “How to make sure I have enough retirement money”

Exemplar #3: M.

Complete Stats

Wing: 7 p or cp: largely phobic Instinct: sp/sx Trifix: 692 - 6w7 9w1 2w1 (Fortunately very much a “Good Samaritan” rather than “The Stockholm”) jungian: ISFP / SEI-Fi oldham: Sensitive & Devoted Essence Type: Lunar-Venus Temperament: Pure Supine

What she’s like:

Precious! Sweet, nice, good listener, friendly, gives all the best gifts. But also perceptive and good at understanding people, eg. mediating to the parents when one of the younger sisters is having An Emotion™ or winning the trust of problem children.

Unlike I. Who has some soc that helps her keep track of a larger circle of friends despite her introversion, M. tends to enjoy the closeness with her family and have just a few very close friends. Excellent friend material all around! The sx and Se also come out in enjoying art forms involving the body like theatre or dance.

She can be a bit shy, conflict-avoidant and occasionally a lil bit panicky though.

As a small kid she used to be super duper shy but then a wise english teacher encouraged her to play a big role in a play, and since then she’s a lot more confident and doesn’t let ppl push her around without limit, though she’s still a quiet, helpful person. There you see the difference that a good teacher can make.

How she’s a Type 6:

For one thing she moves and emotes faster than a core 9 would, and she fits the body language – big eyes that move around a lot, stands a bit lopsided, talks in a shrill voice on the rare occasions where we exhaust her patience etc. As a xSFx and a w7 she shows mostly the “warm, friendly, likeable” side of type 6. She also has a very 6-ish tendency to very frequently ask people’s opinions & feedback before making decisions. (the other fixes probably add to this)

Alas, she also has a little bit of of the fear/insecurity.

Also she has a social/care job which might be seen as 6-ish desire to serve the community.

Exemplar #4: J.

Complete Stats

Wing: 7 P or cp: largely counterphobic Instinct: sx/soc ?? definitely not sp first. Trifix: 638 - 6w7 3w4 8w9(?) (Shall she be a “Justice Fighter” or a “Kyle”? Only time will tell.) jungian: ISTP / LSI-Se ?? Oldham: ? some Dramatic & Serious, perhaps ? Essence Type: Definitely Mercury Temperament: San-Mel

What she’s like:

The first adjective that usually comes to my mind is ‘cool’. Sassy, energetic & a little bit tough, but also affectionate when she wants to be. (though in admiring way rather than a mushy one)

She says the coolest things, has a certain sly sort of cleverness, and an astonishly good poker face. Bit of an occasional prankster. Hilarious. Knows all sort of cool science facts. Avid gamer. 

Not especially popular or over the top sociable, but she gets sad if no one pays attention to her a while. Will act visibly moody where ppl can see sad or worried and can catastrophize a bit in such situations.

How she’s a Type 6:

I first though we might be getting an ExxP type 7 since she was a pretty energetic child, but once puberty hit and independent thought manifested, she turned out a whole lot too reactive and ‘edgy’ for this, and more on the ‘moderate introvert’ side of things.

Since then the sisterly dynamic has been like one fluffy golden dog and 3 hissing black cats. Hissing Cats #1 and #2 are very proud of her, but cat #1 was forced to conclude that she’s probably not a positive outlook type.

Out of all the reactive types 6 fits best because she does broadcast group identity (like wearing merchandise of her favorite media and wearing buttons in solidarity with ppl she likes.) & has a big case of Big Sibling worship for M, I, and someone else who isn’t on this list due to being a 9. (a 4 or 8 might like their older siblings but probably wouldn’t constantly stress the admiration.), but she can also show lasting, pouty displeasure with authority figures who have slighted her. (Like that one time I went too far in teasing her...)

I’m just assuming the 8 fix because that tends to make 6s more bold, louder & more shameless.

Basically she is the “punk teen” type of 6. She can be a bit dramatic & over-the top but still come to her family on advice (even advice on pranks!) in ways that xSTPs of other enneagrams prolly wouldn’t.

She also tends to use self-deprecating humor in tough situations and deflects compliments to present herself as ‘ordinary’.

...

This may sound like I’m really getting down on my first example (I won’t pretend that I’m not) but the point in bringing him up is that the reason he’s like this is: He was subject to really bad parenting that put a lot of fear into him, there was no good parenting to teach him broader coping strategies, he lived in a crappy environment that crushed his dreams, in a sense ‘confirming’ those fears and making him double down, resulting in a person who is just always rigidly following the same predictable pattern or jumping from one automatic reaction to the next with very little pausing and thinking. That goes for the other types too: A ‘stereotypical’ person is a desperate person ruled by fear, who cant stop or soften up even for an instant cause they constantly feel this fire of threat under their arse.

A lot of descriptions say that 6s ‘Follow authority’ but most would balk at the notion – ‘I do the research!’ they might argue ‘I don’t just trust anyone’ or ‘I’m actually a rebel’. There is of course such a thing as denial  that’s more like the extreme case.

But with a more average, functional 6 it’s not so much ‘obedience’ as that they just like to bounce their ideas off of others to get feedback, or that they feature in other’s viewpoints. So you might get someone who can naturally use feedback (something other ppl may have to learn first) or who is very considerate of others (which others might have to consciously remind themselves to do.)

Those are sometimes pretty good traits actually.

On the other hand this is probably part of what makes decisions hard cause they consider all these possible scenarios of how things might displease or cause harm to everyone involved.

Being able to naturally snap into Action Mode under stress looks a bit enviable from the outside, but I. assures me that it’s actually super stressful & exhausting, even for someone who doesn’t get to a point of just being unreasonably aggro at you.

Though even an extreme case like F.B. would probably claim that he ‘did the research’ even as he’s 1:1 quoting the Pope at you, and then saying that you ‘have to be respectful’ even if you don’t even believe in Christianity. Hence why you get a lot of authoritarians talking about “disrespect”. You didn’t “fail to obey”, you “disrespected the flag” or  “hurt the feelings of the Chinese people”. Because they’re still trying or inwardly thinking that they’re doing the consideritation & considering other’s PoV thing when they’ve long since crossed from respect and consideration into mindless obedience, all while still thinking that they’re very sceptical and discerning cause after all they really distrust the other political party or whatever.  

In a way you get this obsession with ‘mind control’ cause they’re not unaware of & very much looking to guard the blind spot. They’re adults trying to do adult things.

For example, if I voiced an opinion to F. B. which he didn’t like, his reaction was often to ask “who told you that”

That’s just how he seems to think opinions work, somebody tells them to you.

Makes one wonder how he thinks new opinions start.

Yeah - Nobody told me that. I concocted it myself in some corner of my head. And in the interest of objectivity, I should stress that you can also end talking out of your ass that way, if you’re not basing it on enough outside data. Making up new shit has more of a quadratic than a linear learning curve – at least with copying you get something semi-useful right away. In making up your own you might be really off a long time before you stumble on something useful.

Also, I was young at the time and it’s not wholly unreasobale to think that an inexperienced person might be duped. I reacted really badly in part cause he hit my own ego buttons cause I was of course proud of this epiphany that I had concocted by myself, and now he says (or so I perceived it, being sensitive to accusations of incompetence) that I’m too dumb to form an opinion, so of course I launched into full Obnoxious Reddit Dude Mode.

In I. It manifests more on a reasonable useful level like “Oh wait, should [young cousin] be on TikTok? I don’t want him to get sucked into some cultish BS.” which is at least something the parents should have on the radar/ warn him about even if they do let him use TikTok, because for all that it is vital for him to get his experience with independent socializing & experimentig with sel-presentation, people do sometimes get suckered into cults or goaded into unsafe tests of courage.

And in a sense… maybe they overamphasize it but to some extent they’re also simply consciously aware/ mindful of it. The rest of us are not immune to propaganda after all, solong as it’s presented in a way pleasing to our egos. Any type structure can become a ‘hook’ if you’re not careful.

[fox-steward]

hey. i just saw your post about identity and i wanted to say something. this is not a rude clapback or anything. i just wanna give my opinion.

i agree with you. surrounding your life around an identity isnt a healthy way to live, especially when said identity can break upon critisism

i am female. i acknowledge and accept that that is an immutable fact and reality about my existence. but my fulfillment for myself comes from presenting as a boy. i know nothing i do or say will change my sex, i know no amount of surgery will change my dna or innate sex characteristics.

my life does not surround my gender presentation. i will always be female, but to alleviate the dysphoria i have and do feel in myself, i present as a boy.

there is no part of me that looks at myself and think "that's a woman. i am a girl". that has never been the case for me. not because i thought women were only super femme, love make up, wear heels etc, not because i thought women cant be or present anyway they wish and still be women, not because of any internalised misogyny. i enjoy being feminine, however, when i look at and think of myself, i do not think "woman" or "girl".

for my own ability to function and feel comfortable in my own skin and body and existence, presenting as a boy is. my life isnt surrounded around that fact, but it is affected by it, as would any other significant aspect of your individual life would.

again, i agree with you that it's not healthy to make an identity all that you and your life is, but disregarding that for some, resolving discomfort in ones skin can affect one's life significantly also, and being compassionate to those people's realitys is important also.

it’s not rude or a clapback at all, but it does misunderstand the point of the post and there’s some internal contradiction going on.

i’m not saying it’s only unhealthy to make your ENTIRE life about your identity, it’s unhealthy to live your life at all in pursuit of substantiating an identity, and that includes “presenting as a boy,” or changing your name to “reflect” that identity or asking people to use opposite sexed pronouns. and that last one also encompasses the “requiring other’s participation” thing. i’m not saying you CAN’T, i’m just saying it’s not healthy.

also, your argument is essentially an individualist argument, in that it makes you—personally—feel better to pretend you’re a boy/not a woman and therefore it’s healthy. i’m not saying it’s a bad thing to feel better, but your choices aren’t made in a vacuum, and what you do individually has a ripple effect on people around you. you embody gender stereotypes in order to “present like a boy?” that reinforces gender essentialist stereotypes for those around you. that also removes an example of masculine womanhood from those around you because you insist on pretending your “presentation” makes you a boy/not a girl. (btw if you’re an adult, you’d be presenting as a man, unless you’re also pretending to be a minor).

also, using fantasy to cope with your inability to reconcile your female self and womanhood (or, yknow, “presenting as a boy”) may not be the best way for you—personally—to cope! but you’ll never know because you’re not going to do the hard work of living in (an intensely misogynistic) reality while you’re more comfortable living in a fantasy where that misogyny isn’t “for” you. instead, you’ll tell yourself your “identity” isn’t about misogyny as if you’re the only goddamn woman who is somehow impervious to the sexism in our society.

what does it even mean to “present as a boy?” i’m not asking you to answer ME, but it could be useful to think about that question for yourself. can you answer that question without relying on gender stereotypes? i’d be gobsmacked if you could.

if it’s about clothing or haircuts or behavior—can you not do all those same things while admitting you’re female, aka a woman? if not, why not? i haven’t changed anything about my “presentation” since detransitioning and it doesn’t make me any less of a woman; transitioning didn’t make me any more of a man.

you look at yourself and do not think “woman” and somehow i’m supposed to swallow it’s not about misogyny for you? how many examples of women like us did you encounter during your formative years? how many were positive representations? how many showed you a future you could see yourself in? now you’re telling me instead of being willing to BE that woman for the other girls who are growing up in her absence, you’ve decided to pretend the way that woman “presents” is actually “as a boy?”

gender identity is intensely misogynistic, and this is not an indictment of YOU, because trust me, i understand. i transitioned because of gender dysphoria, which is really just the internal application of gender stereotypes and misogyny. and it feels better to not have to consider yourself a woman, the object of misogyny. you’re coping with it, i get it, but i do not think it’s healthy—not for you and not for other women and girls like you.

i’m so sorry you’re dealing with gender dysphoria, but entrenching yourself in rigid gender ideology doesn’t free you, it just fits you more comfortably into a different prison, all the while with the looming threat of having your status as “boy/man/misogyny exempt” revoked when any other person acknowledges that you’re female.

ultimately i hurt for you because for so long i hurt LIKE you. best of luck.

[coeurdastronaute]

Essays in Existentialism: Kiwi 12

Previously on Kiwi

For three days the world was rampant with news of Lexa and Costia. It was a hot topic for speculation and Lexa realized she hadn’t missed that aspect of dating, nor did she truly crave that kind of pressure or notice any longer. It was pure distraction, and it could not end soon enough. 

The reunion had its desired effect on the world. There were pictures that rolled all over the universe, or so it seemed, with headlines proclaiming all sorts of wild stories and theories as to the reason the bad girl model turned actress was seen paling around, post-show, with reformed and enjoying a successful third album world tour rock star. They hypothesized about the lost love and the rekindling, the cheating that might have happened, the whole entire thing. Two very distinct sections of the internet went bonkers for the pictures and news and fourth-hand accounts of their five minutes together in public since the break up. 

Lexa hated all of it, but bore it because she was now someone who did good things or at least tried to do good things, even if she didn’t like those things. Costia needed it, Indra asked her, and so Lexa stuck to the line that they were just friends and didn’t answer any other questions. It was easier that way. 

None of it mattered Lexa was too happy, feeling too good despite the normal trials and tribulations of the tour, and counting down the days until she would get unrestricted access to her girlfriend, her real girlfriend, her true and honest girlfriend who was currently squatting in her apartment back home. 

So she ignored the tabloids and tried to focus, ticking off the days and existing as far away from Costia as she humanly could. 

Even though there was a lot to get done for the show, even though there was a lot to run through and she should have hung around and helped her sister, Lexa was basically useless and dismissed relatively early in the day. She’d warned Clarke that she would have to send a car to get her, but there was suddenly free time. 

Practically vibrating, Lexa tugged her baseball cap lower and adjusted her glasses. Nervously, she looked around and tried to blend in as much as possible as she anxiously awaited her girlfriend’s arrival. As far as she was concerned, she was absolutely being an amazing girlfriend. The best perhaps. And everything was falling into place in a way that she hadn’t expected or ever truly experienced. 

Lexa saw Clarke before Clarke saw her, and she felt her heart sip a little. It wasn’t supposed to do things like that, and for an instant she was slightly annoyed that she was falling. It was a rare thing to have a moment to look at the girl with pretty lips without her knowing, but Lexa gave herself a few moments. And Clarke looked at her phone and smiled before Lexa felt her own vibrate. 

I made it! I’m going to see you soon! Prepare yourself.

From a reasonable distance, Lexa followed along as Clarke moved to pick up her luggage, carefully apologizing for pumping into someone, smiling warmly at someone else. 

And what should I prepare for?

It might have been slightly voyeuristic, but Lexa didn’t care. She was so used to being the one who was watched, that this felt rewarding in many ways. She would have never gotten to see the view of her girlfriend grinning at her phone and debating what to write, the casual glance around, as if someone was going to know or read it over her shoulder. 

Me, your exceptionally horny and understanding and downright magical girlfriend. 

When she got her bag and moved toward the exit, looking around for the ride that was promised, Lexa finally gave up her watching. 

Bring it on, Griffin. Look at the car rental place behind you.

It took a few seconds for it to register, but Clarke turned around and searched before meeting Lexa’s eyes, hidden as they were behind glasses and beneath a ball cap. And though she felt her, the pull and the need to close the gap as quickly as possible, Clarke stared at her girlfriend and smiled, relieved and surprised and happy. 

XXXXXXXXXX

“I missed you,” Lexa whispered. 

“Did you?” 

There wasn’t a wasted moment or movement. Lexa pushed forward until Clarke was pressed against the wall in the hotel room. She smiled, hovering near her lips, hesitating, teasing, waiting until she couldn’t wait again. Hands moved up from hips and Clarke moaned at the contact of lips on neck. 

It was the closeness that did it-- the unwavering feeling of another body and hands gripping into muscles despite already being closer than close. Lexa liked that Clarke clung, that she grabbed and dug her nails into skin and her legs wrapped around hips. She was unable to lie with her movements. She liked the feeling of being needed so innately. 

“You just popped into my life with a swipe and now I think about you a lot,” Lexa explained. “You made me someone who misses someone.” 

“I’m a terrible influence.” 

“You really are,” she agreed eagerly, kissing the girl in her arms once again before stumbling them toward the bed. 

With a flop, they landed and Lexa made quick work of pressing into Clarke’s hips, spreading her legs even more. 

“Can we do the slow and intimate after. I just--”

Hips canted and Lexa smiled down at the girl wiggling beneath her, cheeks flushed and hands gripping and pulling and tugging. 

“What do you need?” she murmured, dipping her head to kiss her jaw and neck again. 

“Lexa... “ It was somewhere between a whine and a command. 

“Tell me.” 

“Please.” 

“Since you asked so nicely.” 

XXXXXXXXXXX

Spent and sweaty, sprawled across the bed with arms wide and sheets tangled, Lexa sighed and ran her hand along her stomach. Clarke was in love with her knees and the point of her ankles. She was in love with the way her gangly limbs seemed to stretch and tangle themselves everywhere. And sometimes, without even meaning to, Clarke fell in love with all of those parts at one time and it was simultaneously soothing and overwhelming, leaving her startled and warm. 

All within one body, she saw so many contradictions and in that, an overwhelming kind of affection that Clarke hadn’t experienced before with anyone. From her spot between Lexa’s legs, her ear pressed against her thigh, Clarke thought about it more than she ever had before, because she was across the world and it’d been nearly a year, and there was nothing more terrifying than realizing you were in love with something like the wind. With a sigh, Clarke kissed Lexa’s thigh before lifting her head and slouching her way toward her hip. Lexa took a deep breath and held it as she shifted, stretching and adjusting, compensating for Clarke’s movement. The ink on her ribs moved and shifted on the skin there. Clarke kissed her stomach, kissed the giggle that came at the base of her rib cage an instant later. 

With a tiny smile, Clarke pressed her face into Lexa’s stomach and blanketed her hip. She ran her fingertips along the soft skin of her breast, over her nipple. Clarke fell in love with the sound of her lungs when she breathed and she fell in love with the piano keys of her ribs and she was surely in love with the slant of her wrist and elbow and shoulders. 

Not one thing existed-- the world was not at all composed at all of anything other than the bed and the night and the two bodies. Lexa’s fingers slowly tapped a rhythm on her own chest while her other hand swirled through Clarke’s messy hair. 

Sometimes it was too much; all of the feelings and such, and Clarke didn’t know how to explain or feel them or say anything. Words didn’t seem needed in the moment. And so she lifted herself once again and slithered lower until she could taste Lexa again, because she desperately needed to communicate and she needed to express, and she had no way to do it other than to make Lexa arch and grip the sheets and swear. It only made it worse, that Lexa gave all of herself over. But Clarke was in love with a live wire, and she knew that sometimes. 

When all tension that had been worked into her muscles left in an instant despite Clarke’s desire to prolong it, and the body in the sheets was once again pliant and spent, Clarke laid once more on her thigh and kissed her there before closing her eyes and listening to Lexa catch her breath. 

It was possible to fall in love with a moment, and it was possible to fall in love with a dream-- what Clarke wasn’t sure of, was if it was possible to fall in love with a person who navigated through those moments and those dreams. She wanted to reason her way out of whatever it was that was plaguing her, but deep down she knew that it wasn’t something she could do, and she was presently stuck with it. The only choices left were to nurture it and let it grow or ignore it and let it strangle her. 

“I missed you, too,” Clarke whispered. 

XXXXXXXXXX

“Wake up please. I want to go look at castles.” 

Clarke groaned in complaint before yawning into the pillow. A body settled near her, sitting on the edge of the bed as it rustled this way and that. The sleeping girl pushed the hair out of her face and watched as the rockstar typed on her phone before tossing it on the desk and pulling her shirt over her head. 

There was a tray of fruit, coffee, and scones on the table, and lit in the morning sun from the window, a shirtless girl ate a strawberry and surveyed the land outside before turning back toward the bed. 

Clarke just smiled and grabbed her phone before groaning once again at the time, enjoying the smile it garnered from her girlfriend. It was still early. Too early. 

“Did you already work out?” 

“Sure did. Ordered us breakfast, too. Already checked in with Anya and Indra for the day, and returned a few emails.” 

“Are you always like this?” 

“What?” Lexa asked, flexing slightly in the mirror before taking a sip of her coffee. 

“So perky in the morning?” 

“Honestly, just when you’re here. You’re a good reason to want to get stuff done. I want to waste a whole day with you.” 

“You left me alone in bed though.” 

“Yeah, or else I wouldn’t have gotten anything done. Can we go see some castles now? I’m very excited. I’ve been waiting til you got here.” 

“Can we shower first?” 

“I guess. If we must.” But Lexa didn’t move. She sat and began her breakfast. “I got your coffee ready, darling.”

Only then did Clarke find it incentive enough to heave herself out of bed. She wrapped the sheet around herself and moved toward the table, careful to lean down to kiss her girlfriend’s cheek then neck then shoulder as she did. 

“Are we going to grab dinner before your show tonight?” 

“Definitely. Anya has already picked out a spot. I thought tomorrow we could grab something just us. I mean… the weather is going to be nice. I found a place-- It’s already set. You’re fed for the next two days at least.” 

“Good. Because I broke down and bought very unhealthy food to contaminate your kitchen and I need proper sustenance.”

“You’re a growing girl.” 

“Exactly.” 

XXXXXXXXXX

“You really like castles.” 

“They’re so cool. I feel a bit like I’m in a Jane Austen book or something.” 

There was always a surprise with Lexa, and Clarke wished she could predict it, or at least figure out a way to be less blown over when Lexa said things like enjoying Jane Austen books and still, as a full adult, dreaming about owning a castle.

“I can barely fathom squatting in your loft let alone, so please don’t go buying a castle anytime soon.” 

Goofy and happy, Lexa smiled and shook her head, carefully slinging her arm over Clarke’s shoulder as they perused. 

“I try to read a book by an author from every country I visit. I made myself read Emma, and I’ve been a bit of a castle fan ever since. It was genuinely the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.” 

“And what are you reading now?” Clarke asked as they walked along a rather drizzly path along the grounds with the other tourists. 

“I went with something called The Guts, about rock music and junk. I’m a cliché.” 

“You never told me you were a big reader.” 

“I don’t like to advertise it too much.” 

“God forbid people think you’re clever,” Clarke rolled her eyes and teased, earning a kiss on her temple. 

“I don’t know if you know this or not,” Lexa chuckled. “But I’m a high school drop out.” 

“You’re--”

Aimlessly walking and enjoying the mildly warm day despite the spitting rain, the pair was interrupted by the growing murmurs of people noticing. Clarke felt Lexa’s arm tighten slightly on her shoulders, guiding her away from someone else. 

“This is going to happen, huh?” Clarke sighed. “And we were having such a good time.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“If you weren’t so damn good looking and you know, sang those songs, and gyrated your hips a little less…” 

Lexa burst out into a laugh, unable to contain it. The cameras caught it, snapping pictures and documenting every move. For most of it, Clarke forgot to be too nervous. She couldn’t be completely distracted from the people following and stealing their moment, but Lexa did her best and it worked in its own way. 

On the way back to the hotel to get ready for dinner, Clarke scrolled through her phone while Lexa chatted with some friends on a scheduled call. She paused when she recognized herself and Lexa from just a few hours ago, paired with the picture Lexa posted of the two of them on her account. There were a lot of comments about them, speculation about who she was, linking to the previous pictures. 

For the moment, Clarke felt her heart race and her cheeks blush. She wasn’t sure what to say, or what to do or what to feel about it all. Suddenly, the privacy of a castle didn’t seem like a terrible life. 

XXXXXXXXX

There was something fantastic about a concert behind the scenes. There was something absolutely magical about watching Lexa onstage that simultaneously made the incident with the cameras seem better and worse. 

But for a while, it was gone and Clarke was infatuated with the girl on stage who had twenty thousand people hanging on her every word and song. During a song, Lexa looked over and winked and Clarke was certain that there was nothing better. 

Fingers moving up and down the guitar frets, Lexa leaned into the microphone and sang to her heart's content. She turned and looked at Anya and smiled. She moved and danced with the rest of the band. She chatted up the crowd, holding them in the palm of her hand, keeping them hooked. An entire stadium sang back her own words to her, and Clarke was in awe of the whole display. She wondered if the amazement would ever go away, or if she was doomed to be bowled over by Lexa every other night. 

Slightly sweaty and still high from her show, the lights went black and Lexa appeared close to Clarke, earning a hug. 

“You looked good out there, Woods.” 

“She never does this well,” Anya teased. “We should bring you along more often.” 

“I didn’t do anything special,” Lexa disagreed, enjoying the kisses she received. 

The crowd chanted and begged for more and Clarke knew what was going to happen. She saw Lexa soak it up a little bit more. She enjoyed the mood and the contagious feeling of it all. 

“I have to go back out there for a bit longer. You good?” 

Earnest and eager, Lexa waited for Clarke’s answer and nod. If Clarke would have said no, she knew that Lexa wouldn’t have gone back out, and that was something. So Clarke hugged her once more. 

“I guess I’ll chant your name later,” she whispered. 

She expected a smile or maybe a moan, or something inherently Lexa as a reaction to a comment like that-- something cocky and interested all at once. Instad, Clarke earned Lexa’s eyes and a very set jaw. 

“I need you to understand what I mean when I say this,” Lexa insisted, her forehead pressed against Clarke’s, the rest of the band already taking the stage for the encore. “I've come here to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is, and always will be, yours.”

She hadn’t meant to hear the words, and she certainly hadn’t expected such brutal honesty in such a sweaty and loud and public moment. Still pressed together tightly, Clarke felt a tear roll down her cheek because she was completely blindsided by such a confession. 

“I understand,” Clarke nodded. 

Lexa smiled and Clarke knew only because her cheeks crinkled near her eyes. The music started, but Lexa wouldn’t move. Clarke tapped her thumbs against her girlfriend’s chest. 

“You should go finish work.” 

“I should. Chanting my name, huh?” 

Lexa kissed Clarke quickly and disappeared back on stage before she could answer. 

NEXT

[epiphany333]

Shingeki no Kyojin Ending

This was something...

I guess I’ll start with what I liked

1. Levi is alive, he could see his comrades one last time and is in company of Gabi and Falcon, he finally has people on his side who won’t leave him.

2. Armin looks good after the three years.

3. Eren showed the world to Armin, that’s beautiful.

4. Gabi and Falco reuniting and Gabi yeeting him.

And I think that’s it, I’m sorry but I can’t find anything else. I don’t want to hate, instead I’ll give my reasons for disliking the ending and how some of those issues could have been solved. I want to add that I’m not a shipper nor did I have an specific way I wanted the manga to end.

1. If the reveal is that Eren always still was the same person from part 1 and was just putting a front, it isn't character regression (which is a valid way to write a character) it is just a stagnant character who didn’t evolve and didn’t learn anything. It would have been better if we at least got to see this Eren’s inner conflicts and feelings from his pov all this time instead of creating a mistery about his motivations because the way it is now it’s just too jarring, seeing Eren act the opposite way to how he was 1-2 chapters before, and contradicting everything he say or though before that point. that's why people call it character assassination, his development is dropped and didnt exist in the first place and we didnt see anything about the real Eren under the facade. Eren is stagnant character, no character regression, no character development.

2. Eren’s feelings for mikasa came out of nowhere, there weren’t enough hints from Eren’s side, their bond could have been written to be stronger and more intimate, like show us Eren trusting and respecting mikasa, valuing her company, noticing some virtue of hers, remembering the moments he spent with her fondly, instead we got Eren ignoring her and calling her annoying, and being mad for depending on her. Nothing indicated he cared about her in a different manner for her than he did for Armin. People are defending this bringing up the same 4 eremika moments, the majority of which are so subtle they cant even be called subtext, or saying that it was obvious. Why? Because she was the lead female in love with the protagonist? If you have to rely on common tropes instead of an actual development of their relationship to prove that this was bound to happen then the writing of the pairing isn’t that good.

3. Why does romantic love solve a story founded on the themes of war, genocide, racial discrimination, opression and uprising, a philanthropic love for humanity being the answer would have been better thematically. 4. Eren didn’t have any coherent motive or goal because he was resigned to being a slave of fate, it could have been written and executed better. If you’re going down the route of Eren still being the same boy then develop him from his point of view so that the expectator can see it instead of revealing it at last moment for shock value, or you could go down another route, for example post timeskip Eren who tries to evade fate but can’t,  every action takes him closer to the outcome he wanted to evade, that would be a tragic hero slave of his own flaws.

5. Ymir being in love with her torturer being the foundation of all the story is disappointing and stupid, she needed to see a soap opera to let go after 2000 years. And why did she chose Mikasa and Eren? wasn’t there any other person in 2000 that went through the same character arc Mikasa did?  the scale of the things that had to happen for her to rest in peace is too disproportionated, it makes everything we went through just for her to look absurd, are you telling me this was worth eldians being historically oppresed and murdered and 80 percent of the population being killed just so a girl could move on? This makes all the great points of this story and the sacrifices to look pointless in retrospective.

5. Eldia is a glorified fascist state, Historia is a fascist monarch, her character isn’t relevant anymore, we never get to see her point of view so she looks like a genocide supporter.

6. The ending absolves Eren and condemns him at the same time, making him look pathetic yet as a hero who did what nobody else dared to do, he was treated as a one and forgiven by everybody.

7. They didn’t hold anbody accountable, nor Reiner, or Annie or Pieck, nobody. Remember how annie took pleasure on killing and said she didn’t regret anything? Well the other characters don't. At least Reiner and Pieck regret it, which doesn’t mean they should welcome with open arms, that’s not how humans work. We could have the rest of the cast resenting them, or being conflicted about still liking them without having to take revenge nor become friends with them, it would have given a better message this way.

8. The Lelouch ending doesn’t work because Eren is eldian. Lelouch was a britannia monarch, convincing everyone that Britannia was bad,and Zero, the face of the japanese revolution kills him, making everyone see the japanese as the good side. The world hated them for things their ancestors allegedly did, what will they think about eldians now that they lived through Eren’s destruction?His plan doesn’t make sense.

9. Eren didn’t have to be this cringy, we knew he was pathetic but damn, he killed so many people and is whining about Mikasa more than about the lives he took. We still could have had a breakdown, but it toning down so that it doesn’t seem jarring. Armin stated that it was Mikasa’s answer what decided the way Eren would act, and it doesn’t make sense? Eren must have known Mikasa loved him because he repeatedly has shown he can understand romantic love, but even if he didn’t, all that took for Eren to start the rumbling was Mikasa family-zoning him? This breaks his character apart, and looks melodramatic, because now she has to live with that knowledge and feel guilty for it.

10. Turning everyone back was a mistake, it cheepens their death because it was solved so fast. There’s a reason why a writing rule (that almost every writer ignores) is that if youre going to kill a character, you need a solid reason or use for them to come back to life.

11. It doesn’t seem like mikasa moved on. Her doing what had to be done and her moving on are different things, we don’t get a clue if Mikasa found herself and her worth outside of eren, the kind of living she made for herself from were we left, nothing.

12. They made my man Reiner so dirty in just a panel, acting like he was still a teenage soldier after all he went through. you would think that he would approach love in a different way after growing as a character, but no he’s just a simp, and a creepy one.

[rosenmarille]

so whats the context on One Day

whats it called when you have headcanons and make content that isnt exactly an au because it doesnt technically contradict anything from canon? that. this is after part 5 and way before part 6, so essentially, it might as well be canon you know

so basically. after part 5 ends, polnareff and giorno exchange notes and figure out the whole dio thing, which gets giorno in contact with the swf and the Greater Joestar Family Tree, which is a daunting concept for him. trish picks up on it and they have several discussions about the nature of having evil super powered dads you didnt know your entire life and whats it like having to live with that legacy. (because while giorno hasnt met dio, the way polnareff talks about him, and the way jotaro sounded on the phone the one and only time they talked so far, hes not really sure what to feel about it).

they bond, and after spending some time together and finding some common interests, they decide “hey, what if we dated?” (they are 15. they have common trauma. they have feelings for each other that they cant put into words. what could go wrong. yeah.) --> skip about a month ahead and they both know this isnt working. trish eventually breaks it up, because giorno is too emotionally distant and cant express his feelings any further than small talk, which she says isnt a problem, but its not what she wants out of a relationship. giorno is fine with it. they stay friends....

....which turns out to be a big improvement on their relationship, and takes away much of the pressure of expectation. they spend more time together, and actually have a good time with it. during this time, the joestars have invited giorno to a family get together, the first time any of them would meet him. he accepts, mostly because he wants to keep a friendly relationship to jotaro and the swf, but also because he loathes to consider anyone thinking him a coward for turning it down. but, because he IS the only “new guy”, hes welcome to bring a +1 if he wants, and trish is the first to offer to go with him. (because she knows how uneasy he is about this, and because she relates to weird feelings re: evil dads and their legacies)

the family meetup is in japan, at hollys place, and attending are: joseph (very old), holly (excited to meet a new joestar), jotaro (suspicious, purposefully didnt bring jolyne bc he does not trust like that), josuke (not thrilled about a whole weekend with his dad, but interested in a new jojo). because jotaro is paranoid, suzie q also wont be there, since she doesnt have a stand and couldnt protect herself. (holly has a stand. i honestly forgot what we called it.) giorno and trish are also there.

the weekend comes! day one is about as awkward as youd expect. trish and giornos english is Passable, josukes is terrible, giornos japanese is rusty, only joseph and holly speak italian, its a bit of a mess. i think we said josuke bribed rohan into giving him italian skills? he and holly kind of save the mood, and the two actually have someone their ages to talk to. josuke is just great in general, i love my boy. anyway, jotaro (also traumatized), is not pulling his weight in making giorno feel welcome, and giorno responds with equal coldness. frosty atmosphere were having this summer, haha, joseph says to lighten the mood, which drops further.

later that night, trish and giorno are up and talking about the Day they just had, and after some silent stewing, giorno remembers what trish had said about expressing his feelings, and he actually ends up ranting a little about how unfair jotaro is to him, he didnt even know dio, evil isnt inherited? how about he minds his own business and comes back when he can judge giorno on his personal failings rather than the ones from someone who died over 10 years ago. trish gives him enthusiastic thumbs ups of encouragement.

of course, jotaro walks right past this, and while he doesnt Speak italian, he knows a few basic things, and can tell giorno is upset. he finds holly in the kitchen, and asks her to translate some words he didnt understand, and hollys like “okay spying on my guests, i see?”, but she gets the general gist of it, and gives joot some advice on letting others feel the brunt of his bad experiences, which he maybe probably will take to heart. the next day, he not-apologizes to giorno, and the rest of the weekend passes rather well.

oh fuck i totally veered off course. anyway, that, plus an additional time where giorno helped trish deal with loss of her mum with some thoughtful and tangible help (involving a visit to her grave, and also pooling resources to recover some of the pictures that la squadra stole/destroyed in their ransacking of the una household), plus like. Time. to let anything develop, have the two reconsider their relationship, and they end up giving it another shot. without the pressure of performative bs, they settle for a p platonic qpr, and theyre both happy with it :)

also fugo is there, thats another post, hashtag fugiotrishagenda

@strawberrygiorno​ and i have an entire separate timeline from part 1 onwards that kinda rocks, including a whole part 3.5 for holly, and this is a relatively small but v important part of it

[thisstableground]

1 and 4 for that ask post thing!

1.   Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

oh god i have so many projects at all times. the current ones im actively working on are:

-  a silly fun UVR one where usnavi (gasp) has to temporarily give up coffee and takes it exactly as well as youd expect him to. im pretty close to finishing this one and i’m excited – it feels like a long time since ive posted any UVR, and especially anything lighthearted, and i also get to talk a lil bit about how usnavi has a new job since selling the bodega which i havent got round to even mentioning in fic yet so thats fun

-   a UVR one for christmas that’s partly usnavi dealing with his seasonal affective depression around the anniversary of losing his parents, partly showing how things are a little easier for him now that he doesn’t live by himself, and partly a fun surprise that i’m very excited about

-  UVR one where vanessa gets appendicitis bc i spun the wheel and its her turn to have a hurt/comfort, congrats vanessa??? and sorry? she’d be mad at me but i just want her to get hugs and get looked after and taken care of for a while, she deserves it, and she also deserves the scene where she’s still tripping from the anaesthesia and being a cute mess because i enjoy when vanessa cant even pretend to be cool

-   watch with serenity only has a couple chapters left and while that’s one of my favourite fics i’ve ever written, i’m gonna feel good about wrapping it up too – usnavi’s started making some positive progress in his grieving and it’ll be nice to see that take shape more and for us to be able to leave him at a point where he isn’t exactly 100% better, but he;s doing alright and he resembles the usnavi we know and love a lot more and isn’t struggling so much. i like my angst but only with the optimistic end note and its about time he got there.

- on the other hand, also writing a devastatingly sad DNH fic that’s from the perspective of ruben’s youngest sister immediately after he’s brought home from jamaica. it does end on a hopeful note too, but i have already made myself cry writing it twice so that should tell you something about how it goes

and thats to say nothing of the ideas i havent started yet or the ones that aren’t quite full enough ideas to work on, but at some point i will finish at least one of these enough to actually post something!

 4.Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

here’s some ruben pov on vanessa from a scientist is always fine, which tbh i think was an absolute banger and i kinda wish more people had read it

“He thinks about writing that he wishes he could sink into her sinews and reverse time so that he could feel what it was like to be in her body and her mind through the whole messy process of becoming Vanessa. That she is perfectly ordinary and it makes him crazy to think about the fact that, like everyone, at one point she wasn’t anything at all and and now she is so many, many things, and he wishes she had taken more detailed notes on the process it took to get there because now he has no way to truly understand her, but he tries anyway.

He doesn’t really want to make notes but he tries anyway. Gets as far as writing the subject, which he crosses it out immediately because he can use that word for himself but never for her. He writes, Vanessa, and then closes his notebook because that seems like the only important thing to say.”

ok that was technically 2 paragraphs but i just like this idea ofruben’s love of science being the framework through which he processes his love of usnavi and vanessa without being something that defines his understanding of what it means to love and be loved as narrowly or unhealthily as it used to. he knows how complex a thing it is to be a human, all the things that had to align for us to exist as a species and for them to meet and the chemical and hormonal reactions that had to synchronise for them to all be in this place living together and in love, and the paradox of both wanting to study and understand her through that perspective because that’s what ruben does, but also being satisfied that she just is there with him and she is who she is, and will be whether he understands why or not. i think that being able to accept these strange contradictions and being content within them is the highest form of love, especially from someone to whom getting all the answers is usually so integral.