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redblackspade · 5 years

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What's gonna happen if a psychologist would make a video game?

I was interested in psychology even at school, and not for typical reasons: I was not motivated by the desire to deal with my own “demons” or to understand people around me. At the age of 17, I went to programmers university preparatory courses. There I was surrounded by guys in knitted sweaters and with virgin moustaches on thoughtful faces. The next day I was brought to courses in a pedagogical university, where I was the only guy in the audience. Young girls all around me, and the audience full of fragrant scents of women's perfumes. Stunned by what I saw, I confidently decided to study in this paradise.That’s how I began to break my life.The answer is psychedelic metroidvania where you play as a phobia.

Hello everybody, my name is Slava, I’m from Russia, and I am preparing the release of the third game that I made almost alone: music is the only piece I’m not responsible for. I make everything else myself. Having only a master’s degree in psychology, I dived into game development five years ago. I think it’s worth explaining a little about how it happened to bring a better understanding of what is going on in here. A small introduction will help to adequately perceive everything that jumps and flashes in the recently published trailer:

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That’s how I began to break my life.

In my “career” of a psychologist, the most reasonable decisions were: to drop dropping the psychology to hell; silently leaving graduate school; retirement from a kind of a foster home, where I worked for three years after graduating from the magistracy and fully devoting myself to game development.

I made these decisions not because I wasn’t interested in psychology anymore - on the contrary, while I was studying, I began to penetrate the structure of human minds. However, this profession did not allow me to express myself creatively. I always wanted other people to enjoy the worlds that were born in my mind. Knowledge of psychology helped in building my own life and in creating fictional characters, but it’s difficult to call it a high-paying profession in Russia. It would be possible to strive to open my office, but my heart wasn’t in it, and I’ve chosen another way.

Job in a social institution forced to constantly look for a part-time work. Although I enjoyed spending time with children from difficult families, moving from my parents and meeting with my “second half” forced me to earn a little more than I used to. The payments in social institutions in Russia are very-very low. I couldn’t do anything except digging in people’s minds with a bottle of whiskey, but I was familiar with Photoshop. I knew how to draw using Macromedia Flash, so I decided to find ways to apply these skills.

And I found it. People often look for artists on the game development forums, and those who had a severely limited budget doesn’t need particularly luxurious graphics - I could easily draw a pair of sprites for 5 euros. My desire to get at least some money helped me to improve my drawing skills. I really didn’t know how to draw. I simply drew and redrew everything until it satisfied the “customer”.

That’s what I used to draw back then.

A year later, I realised that I could completely create graphics for my own game. I only needed to find money for a programmer. The whole thing was in the distant 2014th year, and nobody was aware of the coming “indie apocalypse”. The games were coming out at a crazy oace, and the tools for creating them became easier and more accessible. I saw that artists are no less in demand than programmers, and came to the conclusion that if I had improved my drawing skills to a level allowed me to create a whole game in two years, then how long would it take me to learn to code too?

It took no time at all. I installed Construct 2 and things rushed. Two years later, my first game came out: Reflection of Mine. It was a dark and hardcore puzzle about a girl with multiple personality syndrome. I chose this topic because I wanted to use all my knowledge and skills in this project, and by that time I was the most advanced in psychology. And the engine...

Almost nobody takes Construct 2 seriously. This is an engine for creating two-dimensional HTML5 games, but when I started working with it, I didn’t even know what HTML5 is. I saw that dragging the windows in C2 produces quite a working “exe” file, the launch of which opens the doors for people to the world invented by me and introduces to the characters invented by me. What else do I need?

I still do not know. The games that I created with Construct 2 work! They are played by thousands of people around the world, and all the difficulties and bugs that some players suffered from were caused not by a “crooked engine”, but by my own hands. I didn’t face any problem that I could not fix in the future. Also I didn’t see any 2D-game mechanic that I could not recreate with Construct 2.

Now, however, the engine is dying, Construct 3, in my opinion, is horrible, and since the company making this product is moving into the abyss, at some point I will remove Construct 2 from my PC forever.

So what am I working on now? Fearmonium is a psychedelic metroidvania, where the player takes under control an unpleasant memory, seeking to become a phobia. The visual style is not inspired by the game Cuphead. To be honest, I’m not a big fan at all - the eternal battles with bosses are more tiring than pleasing to me. But still, I admit that this is a great game. I’m just a fan of exploration and I suffered from lack of it in there. Cuphead's visual style emerged from the twentieth-century classic animation, and my inspiration grows from there too.

However, I have never been a fan of the drooling intensity of short cartoon films about Mickey Mouse and Betty Boop. Although I was fascinated by the frame-by-frame animation in these creations, I never found them inspiring. And just before working on Fearmonium, I understood why: it was all about the music.

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I saw several unofficial videos of the musician named GHOSTEMANE - the authors took cuts from the cartoons of the first half of the twentieth century, put some camera shake and glitches on it and mixed them with aggressive and dark music, reminiscent of my beloved Witch house. This setting hooked me up. I chose a dark palette, a dark plot, dressed it all in the style of old cartoons and began to work.

The very procedure for bringing the game to its current state was as follows: in about two months I created a small demo version, where I had already chosen the visual style and gameplay. In February, I presented it at the White Nights conference in Berlin to look at the reaction of the players and to understand whether I was moving in the right direction. It turned out that in the right one.

From February to this day, I worked specifically on the trailer, and, frankly speaking, I turned the project file into complete chaos from broken levels and a real mess from objects called sprite1, sprite2, sprite100, but order was never my thing, and I'm sure I’ll get away with this.

Phobias aren’t growing from the void. Most often they are born from disturbing memories and bloom on the “compost” of negative states. The memory can be perceived by us as worrisome even without any obvious unpleasant factors: a person can see a clown or a spider under absolutely normal (seemingly) conditions, but these images are so firmly stuck into his head that it can transform into a serious neurosis. The unconscious will take care of this.

Fearmonium begins with a story about a fair where a boy named Jimmy saw clowns, and although he didn’t like them very much, he didn’t expect to wake up in the middle of the night from their appearance in his dream. Sleep has an important function of “squashing down” memories of the past day. Things we saw during the day affect the things that we will see while we sleep. A person doesn’t store memories in the form of text files or photographs, they don’t even look like a movie: we think in “images”. And how one or another image is treated depends only on the person. Absolutely same images can mean very different things to different people.

Bright images, seen by Jimmy at the fair, became his "protectors" when player converted his dream into a nightmare. That is why the first enemies we met were all that he liked from the previous day.

Interaction with enemies is not limited to waving a hammer. Two properties of phobias are involved in the battle with memories. First: neuroses affect the images in our memories. A “patient” suffering from a phobia will hardly be sure whether he saw a spider or a clown a year ago. It will seem to him that the subject of his fear was always somewhere near.

Secondly the phobia is not related to a specific item, it relates to a whole class of items. All that is associated with clowns becomes painful for Jimmy. People who are afraid of spiders will not divide them into types and panic from the appearance of some specific spider, they will be frightened by everything that their minds connect with spiders.

In this way, we “fake” Jimmy’s memories by turning enemies into balloons that Jimmy strongly associates with clowns. Where there was something light in his memory — bam — and a balloon appears.

In addition, we will meet other clowns in the memories of Jimmy that the boy has seen in throughout his life, and take them into our "army", using these memories as weapons against bright images.

But the very purpose of the game is not to drive poor Jimmy crazy. A phobia is not always as destructive as it may seem, and this is the main idea that I want to convey.

Neurosis doesn’t appear from a good emotional state. Stress, constant anxiety - a great “compost” for depression and phobias. Jimmy's life is not wonderful at all. His consciousness was already a chaos before our appearance. I will not go into the details of his life that drove Jimmy into the abyss of misfortunes, but I will say that in his situation, no one except Jimmy himself can save the situation.

And one of the features of phobias: the displacement of the objective fears. And "objective" does not mean "reasonable." For example, being late to school is an objective fear, but even such a minor phenomenon can be accompanied by an absurd amount of stress. Our indecision is often caused by the ridiculous amount of experience over trifles, which are perceived as something very important. With the presence of a real, severe neurosis, trifles are again turned into trifles, and only clowns seem to be a serious threat.

I briefly retold some things that I reveal through Fearmonium. The plot will affect the nature of depression, and standard methods of protection against neurosis, and a bunch of things that I caught at lectures at the university. But I remember an important rule - the best story in the game is the one that can be ignored. Fearmonium may well attract someone with funny pictures and dynamic gameplay, but scare off with its internal seriousness. So, in the game it will be impossible to get confused even if you don’t get a grasp of all the subtleties of human consciousness, and the “educational” part of the game is purely optional.

I believe that games can say more than “click on X to win”, and I try to develop this idea.

Don’t forget to add Fearmonium to your wishlist!

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1068360/Fearmonium/

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purplesurveys · 6 years

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389

Do you prefer hardly toasted at all or burnt toast? Leaning towards burnt but not completely. What time do you have to be out of bed by on a typical day? I have morning classes throughout the week, so for this semester I have to get up byyy 7:30 to take a shower, then I start driving by 8 to get to my 9 AM class. Other sems were kinder and allowed me to sleep in. When was the last time you cleaned your bedroom? Last Tuesday. My dad’s coming home tomorrow so I threw out whatever I didn’t need anymore so he doesn’t get greeted by a messy bedroom. In real life do you laugh like 'haha,' 'hehe' or something else? I don’t take note of my laugh but I’m sure it sounds like a high-pitched haha. Do you know anyone who says things like 'lol' in real life? Yeah much of the crowd here pronounces ‘lol’ the way it’s spelled.

Do you have any unusual skills? I could but I don’t exactly know what counts as unusual lmao. Do you have any bug bites right now? No, I don’t get a lot of those. Is there anything annoying you at the moment? Mmm nope, I think I’m good. Who's your favourite person? My girlfriend.

Are you more of a cat or dog person? DOG. I can’t stand cats. Like I will defend cats and feed them and care for them, but I cannot stand their attitudes. Do you like to look at other peoples' houses? Tbh, yeah. They’re interesting to look at and it’s also a nice source of inspiration for when I’m thinking of how to style my own house in the future. Are there any chores you actually enjoy doing? No, unless I’m in a mental breakdown and want to focus on chores to feel better, in which case I like folding laundry. What's the weirdest compliment you've ever received? I don’t really store compliments in my memory haha so I’m all blanked out. Do you remember all those rhymes like 'i before e except after c?' I know that rule but we were never explicitly taught rhymes about it. When did you last have an 'Oh, I get it now!' moment? Maybe in the last week when I did my readings on WWII and the Cold War? I’m currently taking an international relations class and the readings for it have revealed more things about both of those wars than the total amount of things taught to me for 14 years in my last school. Would you say you're more witty or childish about jokes? I can be both. Do you get on with boys or girls better? Girls. I don’t understand guys; all of the ones I know are rowdy, pushy, and don’t shy around with inappropriate humor and my patience is too short for all three of these things. Do people often confide in you? Do you like it? Pretty often, seeing as people view me as the ‘mom’ in friend groups. I like it; it shows they trust me and that’s really the most rewarding thing. Who is someone you really admire? Probably one of my professors who taught me comm theory for one semester. Do you prefer piano or guitar music? Piano. I hate acoustic songs. Do you like helium balloons? Uhhhh sure? I don’t have much of an opinion on balloons. Have your parents ever suspected something untrue about you? YES and it drives me MAD. There was one time I must’ve stepped on a cigarette butt and it must’ve fallen out from the bottom of my shoe when I got in my car to drive. My dad cleans my car after a few days and lo and behold, he sees the cigarette butt and his mind immediately went to “Robyn smokes.” I got so mad and told him I was willing to let him smell me and my breath and whatever just to prove that I don’t smoke and have no plans to. He still brings it up every now and then and it’s so annoying. Fuck whoever threw that butt on the ground. Do you have any fears that seem weird to others? Watching commercials at night. No one knows about that fear of mine other than Gab precisely because people will find me weird and’ll interrogate me nonstop about it. Have you ever wished you'd been born someplace else? I think about that sometimes. What do you think about videogames? They’re cool, and video game developers deserve tons of respect. Are there any forms of Art you personally find pointless? No, art is a body of work and the moment an artist gives their work meaning, then it’s never pointless. What would you, or do you, study at college? I study journalism, I’m hating every second of it. Are you tired right now? I am, but I have an exam on Friday so I have to study thrice as intense as I already do. Have you ever had, or wanted, a pet ferret? No, I never wanted anything other than a dog. Is there anything you find undeserving of the hype it received? Lots of TV shows and movies. Do you think it's better to label yourself than be labelled? It’s best to not rely on labels. What's something you do a lot? Drive. Are you currently on any other websites? Nope, just on Tumblr. I wanted to take one survey before I start studying. Are you good at using Photoshop? Sisssss I don’t even have it on my laptop. I never want to touch that program.

What were you last embarrassed about? I drove my girlfriend’s sister from school to their house, but her sister never informed us that she was bringing a battalion of friends with her. I have a really small car and they were five in all, and they squished themselves in the back and I felt super bad about it. Are there any clothing items you really want but can't find? I’ve never had that problem before. Have you ever been told you naturally tilt your head a certain way? No, cos I don’t? Or at least I don’t think I do it to a point that it’s noticeable. What does your dream house look like? Square, white, big windows. Do you wear a lot of make-up? I never wear any makeup. When was the last time you laughed at someone? Yesterday, when Kate tried to sing in the car. Do you have any projects on the go right now? Nah, just want to focus on acads for now. What's a habit you find gross? Spitting and smoking. I couldn’t pick; the two are equally low. Would you rather have a Poloroid or a Lomo camera? I don’t mind either. When was the last time you were jealous? Last night. Do you, or did you, really look forward to when you can finally move away? I am looking forward. Are you the one who holds everyone's bags at theme parks while they ride? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA the attack on this one. Uhh yes, I get motion sickness and I faint easily, and I quickly learned that rides are not for me so I always hold my friends’ bags. What's the worst tattoo you've ever seen? Faces are particularly bad. I also hate tattoos in cursive. What's your favourite name ever? Olivia has been a winner in the last couple of years, but ‘ever’ is kind of a bold statement which I have no answer to. Are you a hat person? I never wear hats. When was the last time you were totally grossed out? Kate used an eyelash curler in a MOVING vehicle. I can’t stand the idea of using products that require you to go near your eye, so I was squeaming beside her. Have you ever forgotten how to do something simple? It happens to the best of us. Are you ever jealous when you see couples or friends together? No, because I have a girlfriend and I have friends. Has anyone ever approached you in the street and asked to take your picture? No. Have you ever disliked something just because most people liked it? Hahahaha it can happen. That’s what happened to me with Game of Thrones. Does anything hurt on you right now? Not at the moment. What song's stuck in your head? 214 by Rivermaya, then covered by Bamboo, then covered by JM de Guzman hahahaha. Do you ever look at people and think 'Why do they have a kid?’ It’s not so much ‘Why do they have a kid?’ but more of ‘Why are they a parent.’ Did anyone ever tell you that earwigs crawl into your ear while you sleep? I don’t think so.

#survey #surveys

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lovemesomesurveys · 6 years

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Do you prefer hardly toasted at all or burnt toast? I mean, I like some brown to it but not toasted to where it’s too crispy/hard or burnt. What time do you have to be out of bed by on a typical day? Whenever I feel like it. When was the last time you cleaned your bedroom? I straightened up a couple weeks ago. In real life do you laugh like ‘haha’, ‘hehe’ or something else? I can’t describe how I laugh in words. Do you know anyone who says things like 'lol’ in real life? Sometimes me or someone in my family will say “Oh em gee.”

Do you have any unusual skills? No. I have like no skills. Do you have any bug bites right now? No. Is there anything annoying you at the moment? My back is bothering me. Who’s your favourite person? My family. Are you more of a cat or dog person? Dog, hands down. Do you live out of the nearest town? Yeah. Do you like to look at other peoples’ houses? I mean, if we’re driving around and I see a nice house but I don’t go out just to look at other peoples’ houses or pay much attention to them. Are there any chores you actually enjoy doing? No. What’s the weirdest compliment you’ve ever received? I don’t know. When did you last have an 'Oh, I get it now!’ moment? I don’t recall. Would you say you’re more witty or childish about jokes? Probably childish cause I like corny jokes. I love me a good pun, too. Do you get on with boys or girls better? It depends on the person and whether we vibe. Do people often confide in you? Do you like it? Yeah, I was the friend my friends would always come to. I’ve been told I’m a good listener and that I’m easy to talk to. Who is someone you really admire? My grandmother and my mom. Do you prefer piano or guitar music? I like both. Do you like helium balloons? I don’t have anything against them. Have your parents ever suspected something untrue about you? Possibly. Do you have any fears that seem weird to others? Yeah. I have a fear of holes. There is a word for it, but I don’t know how to spell it, and I am not Googling it. <<<< UGh, SAMEEE. It’s something with a T. People also think my fear of killer whales is weird because they’re like when will you ever encounter one but like I can’t even look at a picture or one on TV. Have you ever wished you’d been born someplace else? Yes. I don’t like this city at all. What d'you think about videogames? I’m not a gamer. Are there any forms of Art you personally find pointless? No. What would you, or do you, study at college? I majored in psych. Are you tired right now? Yes. Have you ever had, or wanted, a pet ferret? Nope. Is there anything you find undeserving of the hype it received? I’m sure, but I can’t think of anything at the moment. Do you think it’s better to label yourself than be labelled? Sure. What’s something you do a lot? Surveys. Are you currently on any other websites? Nope. Are you good at using Photoshop? i used to dabble around with it and make gifs. What were you last embarrassed about? Who even knows. Are there any clothing items you really want but can’t find? Not that I can think of. Have you ever been told you naturally tilt your head a certain way? Yeah. What does your dream house look like? Not sure. Do you wear a lot of make-up? Nope. I like never wear it anymore. My birthday last Saturday was the first time in forever and I went all out. When was the last time you laughed at someone? I laughed earlier at something my brother said. Do you have any projects on the go right now? No. What’s a habit you find gross? Smoking cigs. Would you rather have a Polaroid or a Lomo camera? Polaroid. When was the last time you were jealous? I don’t remember. Are you one of those people who see things for sale and say… 'I could’ve come up with that!’ ? No. Do you, or did you, really look forward to when you can finally move away? My family and I definitely want to. Are you the one who holds everyone’s bags at theme parks while they ride? I watch the stuff if it’s something I’m not going on. What’s the worst tattoo you’ve ever seen? *shrug* What’s your favourite name ever? I don’t have like a favorite name ever. Are you a hat person? I like to wear hats and beanies. When was the last time you were totally grossed out? Hmm. Have you ever forgotten how to do something simple? Yes. Are you ever jealous when you see couples or friends together? No. Has anyone ever approached you in the street and asked to take your picture? Ha, no. Have you ever disliked something just because most people liked it? No. That’s dumb. Does anything hurt on you right now? My back. What song’s stuck in your head? Nothing right now. Do you ever look at people and think 'Why do they have a kid? ;o!’ I have. Did anyone ever tell you that earwigs crawl into your ear while you sleep? EWWWW.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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adaysnotes · 4 years

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02152020

I think I have achieved the workstation setup that really caters to my specific ‘workflow’.

I did have previous decent setups but I think what makes my current one stand out is that I went past not just considering how an actual peripheral will be used but instead to consider it part of my entire workflow. Like the keyboard, for example. Plenty of times before, I would pick a keyboard solely because I thought it would really feel good when I played my online games, and also when typing blog entries, etc. I never gave much thought about how it would fit the rest of the other accessories -- say, the mouse.

This time around, I tried to come up with a setup that would work well as a unit, and, at the same time, has parts that are in itself high-performing. Working from home has presented this need since I try not to mix work with pleasure. That just basically means I don’t use the work laptop for browsing personal stuff, and my personal desktop for work and development tasks as well. (I wasn’t always like this, of course. Back in the office, there was no choice but to use your office laptop for browsing. Haha!)

I was also kind of getting tired with the gaming look of the setup that I had for quite sometime. I thought I’d go for a look more aimed at productivity -- a little more professional, if I may say so. Add that to the fact that I try to always think of ways in which I could save time and space in my daily life. Among the things that had been at the back of my mind bugging me were my current desk devices and layout. The things that I had on my desk -- the gaming mouse and keyboard -- just took up too much space.

So my step 1 was to get rid of the gaming peripherals. I sold my Logitech G512 keyboard, the Razer Ergonomic Wrist Rest, and the Razer Mamba mouse. My colleague got the mechanical keyboard and wrist rest at a bargain, and a buyer from Carousell bought the mouse for a steal price also.

I went back to the Magic Keyboard that came with the iMac... but I could not make myself go back to the Magic Mouse simply because I just hated that thing. I never got the idea behind that device. It’s not ergonomic, which was toally un-Apple-like.

When I had my MacBook (before I had this desktop), I was curious what the fuzz was about this Magic Mouse so I decided to try and buy one. I thought it might make using Photoshop or Lightroom easier, etc. I was so wrong. In no fucking way did it make any of my computer use more convenient. I sold it two days later. Hahahaha! The only reason why I still have a Magic Mouse now is that it came with the iMac. I didn’t want to add for a Magic Trackpad back then since I didn’t think I wanted it -- and I still had my Razer Mamba mouse then.

This time I decided to go with the Magic Trackpad 2. I’ve seen Vuhlandes’ workstation on his vlogs and he has that same trackpad. Plus, I’ve always placed a premium on devices that offer both the options of using it wired and wireless.

When I started editing photos with the Magic Trackpad, however, the use of brushes was a pain point I encountered. Using the trackpad in performing any click-and-drag task proved to be very unintuitive and, frankly, just difficult. Any click-drag activity would require you to exert more effort, not to mention that it grants you less control than if you were using a mouse. So I looked around the internet on what tools other photographers use.

The main solution that I came up with was to use a graphic tablet. To that end, one of my brothers lent me his Wacom Bamboo Pen & Touch when I told them about the possibility of getting myself a Wacom. I tried using it immediately once he let me borrow it, and I was totally blown away. It presented too great of an ease in my photo-editing workflow, instantly turning it into a quick hassle-free moment. For the short period that I used it in Capture One, the focus was on the things I wanted to do to get the output that I wanted and less on the ‘how’ would I do those same things. The next day, when I told my brother I was sold on the idea getting myself a graphics tablet, he told me that I can have his Wacom Bamboo. Wow!

While the graphic tablet covered the difficulty encountered with photo-editing softwares’ brushes and sliders, it occupied considerable table real estate next to a keyboard. A full-time mouse is also not its primary use case (I’m guessing, of course) so for me -- a stickler to a-place-for-everything-and-every-thing-in-its-place mantra, it was not an ideal solution for casual use. There were still normal, everyday click-and-drag scenarios (e.g. moving folder items to a different window on a big display, etc.) that doesn’t exactly present the need to bring out a pen & touch tablet full-time. Those would still require a mouse.

My search for a mouse was for a couple of reasons, with one being the reason I explained above. One of the other reasons was that I wanted a heftier and a more reliable mouse to use with my day job: software development work.

The Logitech M720, the mouse that I had been using for my office-issued laptop, was becoming a little light for my taste. At the same time it was also unraveling now that I do mostly hardcore development work solely on a laptop display, without an extended monitor. It’s selection and click-drag accuracy (or lack of it) has become more pronounced with the smaller screen space. Using it in the office before where there was a monitor offset this nuisance by forcing me to just aim more precisely and click more deliberately at the target. Here, right now, there is just no way to mitigate that. It was the M720′s time to go. My Wacom-tablet donor of a brother happened to also want a mouse for his MacBook Pro so I just handed him this one.

The Logitech MX Master 3 was just the perfect choice for my mouse. It still has the multi-device capability that the M720 had -- which I had never used (I just knew it had that because of the additional buttons) --- but it was also bigger and heavier. It was also more reliable -- a conclusion I gathered from watching some couple dozen of YouTube videos and fiddling through Google’s search results of “best mouse for Mac”. So I did my usual online window-shopping for a week or so. Units of the mouse weren’t really easy to come by locally and prices were also really all over the place so I decided to go for the ones in the middle price range, eventually settling on a Facebook page that sells electronic components for robotics, and stuff. They happened to have an MX Master 3 in their inventory posted, which I found quite weird since they were selling mostly electrical circuit boards for Raspberry Pi and whatnot. I messaged them one evening and told them that I’ll order the next day and have it picked up once they confirm the order and payment.

When I finally got to use my own Logitech MX Master 3, it did not disappoint. It wasn’t over the top. I mean, you could consider the modern look to be (it really isn’t). But the performance? It didn’t hit you with a wow. It just flat out, simply delivered. It did what I wanted it to do. The setup was easy, the moving between my work laptop and my personal desktop was seamless. These days, I’m even playing Starcraft: Remastered with it. It was like a perfect marriage of all the features that I wanted in a mouse: the wired/wireless option, the multi-device support, modern design, right amount of heft, the softness of the click, the sleek charging cable, etc. It was just the right work mouse.

Now, let’s go to the keyboard.

Apple’s Magic Keyboard is no doubt an impressive piece of equipment and is very fun to use. However, using it for a long period of time will really suck since there is nothing really ergonomic about it. It’s too low and flat (both its frame and keys) that when you’re trying to type fast you would find that you are actually banging on the keys. That’s not good. I am also a deep lover of the number pad. This is also one of the reasons why I’ve always felt the need to get an external keyboard when using a laptop: I feel that a work setup is incomplete without a numpad. What I wanted now was a keyboard with a numpad that still has the compactness somehow of Apple’s keyboard. But as I was looking around what to get, I would still try and look for models that have my nice-to-have features: wired/wireless options and mechanical.

This is where I first began taking a serious look at the Keychron brand. Their Keychron K4 V2 wireless mechanical keyboard checks all those boxes that I’ve laid out. It’s a 100-key mechanical keyboard that can be used wired or wireless, and is compact. It also has the multi-device feature, which completely had me sold on it since I was just getting the hang of this particular feature on the MX Master 3 mouse. Just thinking of a one-keyboard-one-mouse setup for both my office laptop and iMac, I was already giddy with the space I’ve saved on my desk. And so in a way, when I had read up on all of the K4 V2′s features while waiting for my turn with the dentist, it was a no-brainer. When I got home that night, I ordered the keyboard online along with the Keychron wooden palm rest.

One thing that I also loved about the Keychron K4 was that its visual elements are very minimal. It doesn’t have a huge frame, and the design is pretty straightforward. It’s minimal and it’s also nostalgic. Its boxy keys takes me back to the times when I was playing alone as a make-believe hacker with the mechanical keyboard (all keyboards were mechanical back in the day) from our old computer. The K4 also has RGB lighting but it does grant you options to change the colors and lighting effects, or even turn it off completely (which I did with mine).

So now, I have a multi-device combo of an awesome mouse and an equally awesome compact keyboard for use for work and for pleasure, a trackpad for smooth scrolling and also serves as a backup cursor, and a graphic pen & tablet which I pull out from the side for a more precise and efficient creative workflow. I know, I know -- it’s really very specific to me. But so far, it works.

This entry took quite a while to finish. I started this one on the 15th, and it’s now sometime past midnight of the 20th.

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bellafadiploma · 6 years

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Sketches

Here are some of my initial character and set sketches.

The character is based on me to some degree as it is my own artwork and some vague self representation of my head. However, I gave it a cube head and quite an ambiguously shaped body as I want it to be not so obvious, so that other people could possibly relate to it. I’m actually very happy with the character design, I think it is very appealing because it is super simple, and I always like black and white stripes (probably influenced by tim burton). It is supposed to look vaguely humanoid but maybe I would like to consider doing something else interesting and have certain limbs and body parts become, like impossibly long or stretchy, in order to capture the incredible way the brain has no order or sense to it.

The cube is very important to the design because I want the character to be anonymous. It will not have a voice, speaking instead through subtitles, and has no specific gender defining features.

I also have here some of my initial room sketches and ideas.

Firstly, we have the ‘yellow room’ or the limbic system I suppose. I see it as the main room in the brain. I see it as this yellow, decaying room, that is filthy and covered in mouldy cups of tea. There would be several TVs that could either reference how myself and others use TV and YouTube to drown out our brains, or they TVs could represent different rapid cycling emotions and images that the brain conjures up. The physicalities of it also to some degree represent my own house. We have proper filament lightbulbs which are insanely yellow, and my bedroom is always filled with cups of tea because I don’t get out of bed to take them downstairs, ever. I am actually very happy with this room but I may consult my peers about maybe some other features, like what do they have all over their room? clothes, bugs, paint on the walls and floor? I also think yellow is a good overall theme for this room as it can have wildly different connotations depending on the surrounding features. I think, given the mouldy cups and old tvs and boxes, the yellow will hopefully seem pallid and sickly, not happy.

Decision making room. My friend concurs with me on this one. A room full of scrolls and books, filled with every decision you’ve ever made, and one that lays open, half empty, waiting for your next decision. You can look back on them anytime you need to, and cringe. I also liked the idea of having an Edgar Allen Poe style murder of crows that judge your decisions, like whether they are good or bad or correct. Either way they don’t help. A big aesthetic inspiration for me is the english level in Amanita Design’s game Questionaut (2008). I like the design of this room that I have done, however I feel like it could be bigger, I don’t feel like every decision one has ever made could fit into the room I designed. Maybe it would need to be more like a library. The general colours I would like to use are very neutral colours, dark polished wood and deep greens and reds. I think that is influenced by old libraries that I have visited.

Mirror Room - again somewhat like my own house, which used to be filled with mirrors. This room I think would represent understanding of ones sense of self and identity through dressing up and doing different makeup etc. I really like the idea of the rounded alcove in the ceiling, and would definitely like to use that. However, in order to improve on this sketch, I think I would like to maybe have makeup and such laying around in order to further present that idea of self. As the character moves around I think it would be cool for them to be wearing different outfits in each mirror, this idea representing how I feel as though, when I’m wearing different clothes I’m almost embodying different characters. Despite these being just initial idea sketches, I’m actually very happy with the quality of line that I have used. I think the pencil has a rough quality to it that is difficult to replicate on photoshop, hence why I think I will end up doing all of my backgrounds with traditional methods and not digitally.

Cogs and pipes room. Represents motor function and general body functions, I want it to be pretty vague what it does so it’ll just have a bunch of cogs and wires and pipes and buttons and lights. It would be cool if it were maybe run by a robot, representing the fact that most bodily functions are subconcious and not really emotionally driven at all. I would maybe like to have parts of it like break down and smoke to represent the body being unfit or lazy, and the robot just haphazardly shoves it back into place, representing my own very lazy approach to self improvement. As far as visual qualities go, I think I need to consider the shape of the room itself, I picture this room as being under the ‘house’ a basement possibly. I think it could be really interesting to maybe make this room more like a carved out round room, like it was dug by hand. I will elaborate on this in my later research.

My last room for right now is the time/circadian rhythm room. This is literally just a room full of clocks and other time keeping devices, such as incense clocks, sundials and lunar charts. I did some research on the internet about different time keeping devices, however I would like to go to the library and have a look if there is any books on the subject. I actually love the design of this room personally. I took a lot of inspiration from Howl’s bedroom in Howl’s Moving Castle (2004). I really enjoy how busy everything appears, all these little moving bits and pieces, covered in dust, evidently not having been touched for years. I think in order to improve this room, I need to maybe think about it being a different shape, possibly more round like a conservatory or something along those lines. This is because the box shape possibly feels too regular for such a chaotic room, and having it be round could possibly make reference to how the nature of time is that is is round, forever cycling. The reason I think I would like it to be chaotic is because for me personally, time never seems very regular. I either get too much sleep or not enough, waking up at completely random points in the day and being constantly tired. For others, time is a regular, endless march forwards, but from my perspective it is anything but.

This idea however, also depends on the diorama I end up with, as making a cardboard box round would be fairly difficult. I would like the texture of this room to appear incredibly busy, tiny bits of grime and bugs, kind of like everywhere in the ‘house’, the walls fully covered. This is because as previously stated, I see time as overly busy and uncontrollable, not at all calm and orderly.

#fmp #sketches #sampling

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morganbelarus · 6 years

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Father Illustrates The Friendship Between His Tiny Baby And Giant Dog And The Comics Are Adorable

Being a new parent can be extremely tiring, but new father, Nate Anderson found his baby boy to be the endless source of creative inspiration. His webcomic series 'Boy & Dog' chronicles the hilarious adventures of his son, Rowan, and their family's dog.

Anderson told Bored Panda the idea for the comic strip came after the birth of his son last year. "My life was changed by this wiggly, squishy boy that filled my home with laughter and poop. The animals didn't know what to think of him at first, but my Golden Retriever, Murphy, decided that he was pretty cool," he said, "Rowan loves the dog and would squeal with delight whenever Murphy was around him. I started to draw the comics to show what I imagined in my head was transpiring between them."

His Boy & Dog illustrations include conversations, hijinks and even some crude jokes between dog and baby. "Everything is new for the boy, and I imagined that it was the dog's duty to teach him all about the world from a dog's point of view," explained Anderson.

This is not the artist's first time trying his hand at a webcomic. Anderson's first series was called "Quackyboys" and featured him and his college roommates having "wacky adventures," but eventually died off when they moved on. A college drop-out after freshman year, he said he is largely self-taught, "I was already working as a professional Illustrator/Designer at the time, and I feel that I learned more working in the industry than I ever did in school with very uninspiring instructors."

While his comics are quite eccentric, Anderson admitted he's not very good at talking to people and uses his talent to communicate, "My comics give me the ability to tell funny stories and make people laugh with silly gags. I like making people happy. I like making people laugh. Unfortunately, I'm a little socially awkward so this is a better platform for my jokes."

Inspired by artist Glen Keane, he said he loves traditional hand-drawn animation, "I am a huge Disney nerd and when I get into a slump, watching one of the movies he worked on gets me drawing again. Disney's Tarzan has been a huge influence in my desire to animate." As for his own work, he creates each comic entirely on Photoshop from rough layout, sketching, linework, coloring, and dialog.

For Anderson, his overall goal is to spread some laughter and joy to his viewers, "I know I'm not the only one who deals with baby problems and dog problems, so if I can get people to relate to my goofy drawings and have a chuckle then I will consider myself successful."

New comic strips for Dog & Baby are released every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday on his website. Scroll down below to see some samples from this adorable series and don't forget to upvote your favs!

More Info: Website

#2 A Good Set Of Chompers Make Chomping Things Much More Fun

#3 Rowan Doesn’t Move Too Great At This Point. He Really Tries Though

#4 This. All Day. Every Day

#5 I Don't Move Fast Enough Sometimes.

#6 By This Definition, I Am Also A Dog

#7 To Say That Murphy Loves Walks Would Be An Understatement. It's More Of An Obsession

#8 I Went To The Hospital With My Wife And All I Got Was This Wiggley Burrito

#9 Why Don't They Make Adult Sized Jumpers Like That? I Need One To Replace My Computer Chair

#10 This Boy Is Always Eating. I Am Living My Dreams Vicariously Through Him

#12 Murphy Is A 90 Pound Lap Dog. At Least He Thinks He Is

#13 Lick All The Things. Result: All The Things Now Belong To You

#14 The Cat Has Been Bringing All The Bugs (Still Alive) Into The House. Heâ€™s Quite Proud

#15 The Next Few Comics Will Contain One Of The Stories That I Have Made Up And Told To Rowan. Proof That I Should Never Be Allowed To Influence Children In Any Way

#16 Scooches Are The New Hot Item

#17 Chewing Is So Much More Work Than Just Drinking Everything

#18 We Have Had Many Deep Conversations With Rowan Over A Juicy Meal. Many Conversations

#19 Like Bringing A Squirt Gun To A Fire Hose Fight

#20 Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy Bum!

#22 Snot Removal Is Best Accomplished With 3000 Pounds Of Sucking Force

#23 How Else Are You Supposed To Learn About New Stuff?

#24 This Hasnâ€™t Happenedâ€¦ Yet. Iâ€™m Not Removing It From The Realm Of Possibility Though

#25 Always With The Licking. Every Surface Of My Home Have Been Touched By This Dogs Slobber Dispenser

#26 Stop Hitting Yourself. Stop Hitting Yourself. Stop Hitting Yourself

#27 Murphy Doesnâ€™t Care About His Food. I Donâ€™t Understand How He Is A Dog. He Eventually Eats His Foodâ€¦ When He Gets Around To It

#28 The Real Challenge Is To Hold The Toots Until The Right Pose.

#29 How Am I Supposed To Watch This Baby If He Keeps Moving Around? Solution: Duct Tape

#30 Grass Is Pretty Great.

#32 If Only There Was A Market For Baby Drool, I'd Be Above The Poverty Line

#33 Heâ€™s Having A Hard Time Drinking Because He Canâ€™t Breathe Through His Nose. Much Screaming Ensues

#34 Murphy Has Reserved Seating Under The High Chair. He Offers Helpful Eating Advice To Rowan.

Original Article : HERE ; This post was curated & posted using : RealSpecific

=> *********************************************** Original Post Here: Father Illustrates The Friendship Between His Tiny Baby And Giant Dog And The Comics Are Adorable ************************************ =>

Father Illustrates The Friendship Between His Tiny Baby And Giant Dog And The Comics Are Adorable was originally posted by 16 MP Just news

#16 MP Just news

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screamingtofu · 8 years

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guess what buddy??? do all of them. from the one you reblogged from me

I should’veexpected that, but I’m a weenie. I’d already answered a couple of them but Ican’t think of a better use of my afternoon at work so let’s do this thing.

1.Do youwant a boyfriend or girlfriend?

I dunno, I’mstill getting used to the whole being asexual thing and am just not a fan oftouching in general. I would love the shit out of new friends though. Neverturn down the opportunity to make friends.

2.When didyour last hug take place?

Maybe amonth or two ago, housemate was going through a tough time with his most recentex and I think it was just like a floodgate had broken in him and it physicallyhurt me to not comfort him and I knew there wasn’t anything I could say to makehim feel better … So I hugged the shit out of him.

3.Are you ajealous person?

A coupleyears ago, yeah I was pretty bad. Then I started figuring shit out about myselfand I’m a lot more chill now.

4.Are youtired right now?

Combinationof poor sleeping habits and a near constant level of stress has left me lookinglike I have two black eyes. We had some corporate pictures taken last year andI looked fucking alien after they’d photoshopped them out.

6.Have youever been called a tease?

I don’tthink so, at least not in the way I think this question is supposed to betaken.

7.Have youever been awake for 48 hours straight?

I have. A coupleof years ago I wrecked my back and ended up not being able to move for maybe aweek or two without excruciating pain and because I tend to wriggle around inmy sleep you can bet your arse that didn’t happen. I ended up watching a lot ofvery bad movies on Netflix and shaving my head due to delirium.

8.Do you cryeasily?

No. I am anemotional fortress except when it’s someone elses pain. Then I’ll cry myfucking eyes out.

9.Whatshould you be doing right now?

I’mliterally at work, surrounded by developers and one very annoying sales personfrom interstate. There are so many things I should be doing right not. But I’malso here for 2 hours after everyone leaves so I get a chance to rocket througheverything without distraction.

10.Are you aheavy sleeper?

If I amtired enough, satan himself cannot awaken me.

11.Do youthink you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

I amentirely unsure. It would depend on what the other person wanted out of therelationship. If it was a completely non sexual relationship than hell yeah. Superfriendship, technically I’ve been doing that for the past 5 years since I movedto Melbourne.

12.Are youmad at someone right now?

Nah, I neverreally get mad at people. I got better things to waste my very tiny well ofemotions on.

13.Do youbelieve in love?

Hell yeah.Love is super rad and I’m glad I’m finally getting to express that for people.

15.Who wasthe last person you talked to?

IT Managerat work. We’re trying to figure out why the mail server is not sendingautomated emails anymore. Also he’s bugging me to bring some of my xbone gamesin for the console they’re hooking up in the office.

16.Do youget butterflies around the person you like?

No? But thenI’ve never really experienced the whole thing where you see someone and feelnervous. Either I’m hanging out with people I’m already comfortable with or I’mmeeting new possible friends. There is no in between.

17.Will youget married?

Unless itwas for some kind of tax benefit … eh probably not.

19.Doesanyone like you?

I have noidea. Sometimes when I go out with friends, they’ll say something afterwardsabout how so and so was trying to flirt with me and I have to really thinkbecause fuck I thought they just really wanted some nachos or something.

20.Do yousecretly like someone?

Not in theway this question is thinking.

21.Who wasthe first person you talked to today?

My Manager,big bearded Englishman named Rob who likes to shitstir almost as much as I do.He’d called me over to try and look into why something was duplicating and alsoto confirm if we could charge a client $10,000 for something.

22.Who doyou feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Housemate,but I’m always open for conversation.

23.What areyou NOT looking forward to?

Trying toget in shape so I don’t die in the next 5 years.

24.What AREyou looking forward to?

Getting asweet robot body because I lived that far. Also when people start talking aboutsomething they’re really passionate about, I live for those moments.

25.Hassomeone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

Probably?All my partners were great people and there was always a connection there. So I’dassume it was genuine.

26.Supposeyou see your ex kissing another person what would you do?

Think “goodfor you” and then keep going unless they wanted to catch up.

27.Do youplan on moving out within the next year?

Nah, myhouse is awesome. Needs some repairs, but it’s great.

28.Are you aforgiving person?

I try to be.I used to be really angry and confused about a lot of stuff, but as I’ve gottenolder I’ve realised that holding onto grudges is just draining and you getnothing out of it.

29.How manyTRUE friends do you have?

How the crapdo I qualify a true friend? Like, do I know they physically exist and have seenthem with my own eyes? I dunno 10?

30.Do youfall for people easily?

I genuinelyhave no idea how to answer this.

31.Have youever fallen for your ex’s best friend?

Here’s apoem I wrote after people were getting defensive because I didn’t want to fuckany of the characters from Mass Effect.

I will notfuck them out in space, I will not fuck them based on race.

I will notfuck them here or there, I will not fuck them anywhere.

I will notfuck them in a bed, I will not fuck them like I said.

It’s nothingpersonal for you see, my dude = asexuality

32.What’sthe last thing you put in your mouth?

Waterbottle, gotta love me some o that delicious h20

33.Who wasthe last person you drove with?

Last personI was in a car with was an Uber driver. I was her 4th ever pick up.She was cool, we basically talked about Orange is the New black the whole wayhome and other stuff to watch on Netflix.

34.How latedid you stay up last night and why?

Like 1AM.Was chatting with a friend about the latest episode of critical role they’dfinished and they were feeling things.

35.If youcould move somewhere else, would you?

Nah, I’mgood where I am.

36.Who wasthe last person you took a picture of?

Besides thestupid selfies I occasionally take, I think it was a cricket player on abillboard who I thought looked like someone made a wax version of Ryan Reynoldsand left him out in the sun

37.Can youlive a day without TV?

Yeah sure,that’s one of the reasons I took up knitting.

38.When wasthe last time you were extremely disappointed?

Mid Novemberlast year, Paul Dini, the dude who helped create the animated batman series wasgiving a talk in the city and I completely spaced on getting a ticket. Would’vebeen great to meet him and hear him talk about writing.

41.What isyour all-time favorite romance movie?

I dunno.Maybe Porco Rosso. Helps you learn that sometimes you just need to say nobecause people are shit.

42.Do youbelieve that everyone has a soul-mate?

Yeah, Iguess. I think there’s someone out there who you just click with. Sometimes there’smore than one, you just need to keep looking.

43.What’syour current problem?

The clutchon my bike will occasionally not come in all the way when I’m trying to go fromfirst to second and gets stuck in neutral so I need to completely let it go andthen reengage. Drives me nuts.

44.Have youever had your heart broken?

Nah, I’m toomuch of a weenie and try to reconcile all my relationships.

45.Yourthoughts of long distance relationships?

I think they’relessened with the internet and social media because you can still talk soeasily and while I don’t have the whole “I miss being physically around you”thing I can understand it would be hard to continue with the shade of someonethat comes from a long distance relationship because there’s so much you wouldmiss.

46.How manykids do you want to have?

Not a fan ofthe whole baby making thing, wouldn’t mind adopting 1 or 2 if I ever had thechance though.

47.Have youever found it hard to tell someone you like them?

Nah, Ialways went for friend level first and then because of things I never reallyunderstood at the time just ended up going on dates that I thought were justlike friends hanging out and then things happen and I end up going out on moredates and then things happen. *shrugs*

#hot dang that's a lot of questions #deltaursae #I haven't done anything in like an hour and it makes no difference because nothing is coming in

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picseedapp · 7 years

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Springboard to Creativity: A talented 22-year old Creative, reveals his tips on how to stay motivated and inspired to create.

As part of the launch of Picseed, we want to share with you a series of interviews called ‘Springboard to Creativity’ sessions. We aim to inspire and motivate you to create. The sessions delve into the stories of creatives practicing in the area of art and design.

Picseed app helps you find inspiration based on your creative interests. Capture, collect and share your work simply and beautifully.

Today, we are going behind the scenes of Aidan Broletti, a talented and successful photographer, videographer and graphic designer. We find out about his creative practice and learn about what motivates him to create even outside of his 9-5 job. Aidan is a 22-year old Dublin based Creative and globetrotter wannabe.

It’s a pleasure to have such a talented mind to kick off the first ‘Springboard to Creativity’ session. Tell me about your practice. How did your journey begin?

I would describe myself as a creative. I prefer not to stick as just ‘Graphic Designer’ or ‘Videographer’ because sometimes you could be put into a category. I do a lot of video work for the company I work with in my 9-5. I try to be a little bit more creative and work on more abstract ideas as a whole. As to how I got into that and where it started - I began doing photography when I was in 6th year in secondary school and I got really into it. I was never brought up doing it. I was interested in photography.

But it wasn’t until I was in college that I got interested in video. I picked it up and ran with it! I spent my entire college years just doing video work and then I was introduced to graphic design in 3rd year. I was actually quite late into the game. I wasn’t brought up doing creative work, I just kind of fell in love with it. I got a job in a global company after I finished college and have just been doing it since then.

What type of video work did you do in college?

It was mainly highlight-videos on events going on around campus. The first one was a Christian Union Gospel Choir. They wanted me to record a 3-hour concert. I was really nervous. I was like ‘please pick me, please pick me’ – thinking there would be hundreds of people queuing up for it but there was nobody so I went there with my camera. It was good! I did about 100 different highlight videos a year over two years. I was doing lots and lots of it for free and that kind of kick-started me. From there I started doing freelance work. A lot of it was highlight-videos. Then I started moving into live streaming and then short films.

What projects are you currently working on?

I traveled to Thailand two months ago. I have wanted to go for a while. I wanted to do self-portrait travel. It’s really big on Instagram at the moment but I have always wanted to delve into it. I know perhaps it’s not the most original concept but it’s definitely something I believe I can put my mark on - plus I find it fun and interesting. I travel with my girlfriend most of the times and we photograph each other (I need to get better at giving her credit). I believe the editing process is where the magic happens.

She’s like your assistant photographer?

Yes [laughs] but I do the editing process behind it which I enjoy. I bring it into Photoshop. I find it’s a balance between adding elements in Photoshop but it’s still being slightly realistic but without being too abstract.

‘Obviously coming back from Thailand, the scenery in Ireland is beautiful but it’s not like Thailand. The landscape in Ireland is a challenge in itself.’

I also got bitten by the travel bug. I went to Paris there a couple of weeks ago and I am going to the States soon with work. I will try to do some shoots around that as well. I try to get different travel opportunities wherever I can. And when I’m at home, I try to choose different places where I can shoot new work.

Describe your routine and what gets you into a creative mindset.

I’d say I like to keep myself motivated. Currently, I am into Podcasts. I listen to a tonne of motivational podcasts. They perhaps go in one ear and out the other. I listen to that when I’m working to help get me into the right mood to just go and do it.

‘I have a routine of getting a cup of coffee which starts my productivity even if I’m not tired. The idea of me sitting there with my cup of coffee makes me feel like I am being a lot more productive.’

[Laughs] That’s entirely in my head. It helps me to focus my energy. I finish work in my 9 to 5 job and go home and sit there with my coffee working on editing photographs for a couple of hours.

Then, when I’m out shooting, I always try to frame something in my head before taking lots of photographs. I walk around trying to find different angles.

‘I scout out where to I’m going on Google maps looking at various photographic locations that are a bit unique because I don’t like to take the photographs in the same place that everyone else does. I want the image to be a bit different.’

That’s my one pet peeve - when you go to different tourist locations, like in Thailand or Paris and everyone is taking photos in the same place - I know I am a tourist as well!, but I just try to find a new angle on that to make it different.

Are there any particular materials, equipment or tools that you like to use? What’s in your creative kit especially if you are going abroad?

I would like to say it’s vast and you have all this technology like go-pros etc. but realistically I simply use a DSLR. I just stick with that. I use one lens. That kind of confines you a little bit but also forces you to find a new perspective. If you have one lens and you can’t zoom in, you have to find a way of getting closer or a new way to frame it. Whereas, if you have so many different things, it can be a bit overwhelming. I find a lot of people get drawn into the technology and they forget about their actual subject. So it’s pretty basic using a DSLR, Photoshop and Lightroom.

I understand that - with boundaries comes creativity.

Yes, it’s a bit of a challenge too - don’t get me wrong. I went over to Thailand with 20kg of equipment. [Laughs] Yeah, I brought along numerous different lenses and Go-Pros but when I got there I just thought, ‘what am I doing carrying all this around with me’, because realistically I am just going to use this one camera and one lens. So I left all the rest in the hotel. I still had to bring it around to different places but I made the decision there and then and I think it’s going to stick with me.

What motivates you to create?

I’d say it’s a mix.

‘What motivates me is a mixture of people I look up to but wanting to inspire other people too.’

I was probably not as motivated right up until college. That’s when something just clicked. But every single night and morning I feel there’s a sense of urgency. It’s like ‘oh no I need to be doing something to advance myself.’ That mindset is something I’ve always just had. But I always find myself looking to others for motivation as well. I look up to people on Instagram. I’m big into the fitness industry and I look up to them for different things like work ethic. So there are lots of people that motivate me but it’s also self-motivation that helps keep me trucking along.

What does success look like to you?

‘I would say success is being able to do what I love without worries about money or things like that.’

It’s not necessarily working for the biggest brand in the world. It’s doing what you want and having fun creatively.

What is your greatest achievement?

Being a 20-year-old, straight out of college and getting a job as a creative, is my greatest achievement.

Have you collaborated with any other creative and if so can you describe your experience of it?

I collaborate a lot with people in work. Outside of my 9 to 5, I have definitely reached out to people. I am still finding my feet in the creative scene on social media, so I have not completed anything yet - but I have upcoming collaborations that I am very excited about. It’s just trying to find the right time. That’s the only thing is having the time to do it.I’m thinking, with your girlfriend, it’s like collaboration in itself. She is behind the camera taking some photos for your self-portraits.Yes, actually [laughs]. I probably don’t give her enough credit for that. It’s probably the biggest collaboration. I love that!

How does that work?

She’s into it...I was going to say she is probably into it just as much as me but probably gets fed up of it every now and then. But it’s good. We both enjoy traveling and taking photographs. She comes from a science background but she has definitely learned how to use the camera. She enjoys the process of seeing the photograph taken in a place and seeing what can be done when you add it to Lightroom and Photoshop.She sees it taking life, especially after posting it. Like when I put it up on the ‘Gram’ and seeing it getting likes, [laughs]. She sees the whole process. That’s collaboration. I get asked a lot of questions from people and they are asking ‘who is taking these photographs?’

Who’s the person behind the camera – it’s the unsung hero.

She’s the unsung hero there is right [laughs]. I didn’t stick it on a tripod or put it on a timer.

Who inspires you to create?

I go through phases. For example, there’s Offset in Dublin every year. I go through a phase of following these people religiously and think ‘Oh my God, they’re who I want to be’ and then a month later it’s someone else. I would say at this moment in time, I’m into creatives on Instagram. There is a cool trend at the moment where they create all these images and content that are entirely out of stock images. They are quite abstract. There’s another group called the Art of Visuals and there’s a lot of people on there who do a lot of sharing and collaborating. It’s very interesting - It’s the whole idea of creating something entirely from your laptop sometimes using stock images and photoshopping them. There’s still a lot of work you have to put into them. It’s still like 8 hours of work just to get one image. That really motivates me at the moment. I would like to get into that but I still enjoy going out and traveling, getting fresh air.

Do you post images up in the ‘Art of Visuals’ group?

I tag them in it. It’s a big group. That’s the motivation as well to be more part of that group. Getting feedback from the group, sharing and getting to know people by networking. It’s a world-wide group but I definitely like to be a part of that.

Do you find that if you have a project on your mind that you want to research, sometimes ideas just come to you when you don’t think about it? Does that ever happen to you?

I feel like inspiration works in the backend of your brain. You don’t really realize until that moment that you kind of go ‘Ahh’. Like when I came into work earlier this week, I just thought of something and I wrote it down. I literally hadn’t thought about it for months. But something just clicked. It seems to just work in the background.

What superpower would you like to have and why?

[Laughs] I kind of always wanted to fly. That’s real basic of me. You could apply it to modern day traveling. Because of the expensive flights as a limitation, I could fly everywhere with my DSLR.

Are there any challenges that you have encountered when creating your work?

Yes, lots of challenges. It goes part in parcel with what I was saying – to be able to get to a place where there are no boundaries and being able to do what you want.

‘But the challenges drive you to aim for more.’

There are always challenges coming from clients, who you work for, software and other things like trying to take a photograph in a particular place. For example, when you go to different places, there are always tourists there. You’re a tourist too. But you just have to wait for them to move out of your frame or..pro tip, you just clone them out of the background anyway.

Or have the patience of a saint.

Yes, to have the patience of a saint and wait for the right time. It’s small challenges like that that make it more rewarding. I really enjoy taking the extra bit of time to make an image stand out, if it were easy then I wouldn’t enjoy the process.

How do you share your work with your audience? Do you have a particular preference for a platform?

Currently, it’s Instagram. I feel like that’s where everything is going at the moment. I’m really enjoying Instagram stories. I’m getting great feedback from doing all that. Before that though, it was Facebook. It depends on what’s big at the time. I was always into Facebook. I’d set up my Facebook likes page in college and invite all my friends. But I think Instagram is a lot better because you can find people you wouldn’t have know through Facebook. You can’t find as many people on Facebook as you can on Instagram that share your interests. That’s probably the one I’d share most on. But I’ve always been a key person for teaching about keeping all your platforms up to date. So whether that’s on your website, YouTube, Twitter etc. I’ve probably fallen down a bit on Twitter over the past few years as it’s declining a bit but Instagram is the main one.

Do you interact with your audience for feedback on your work?

Yes, I try to ask for feedback all the time on Instagram and use it to talk to people. You get their DMs there too. It’s something that people don’t see but you’re reaching out and networking with other people.

‘Even if nothing ever comes of it, you can reach out to people you have never met. People who live in another country and you’re talking to them like they are someone you know.’

What tips or advice do you have for other creatives starting out?

‘In terms of photography and video, it’s learning the basics first.’

It’s very easy to get carried away with the latest technology like gimbals, drones etc. Videos nowadays all have the flashiest transitions, LUTs, colour grading, etc. I use that myself but I try not to get to carried away with it or rely on it because I try to keep the story at the forefront. If you use too much of it, people who are a lot more experienced will just see through it. They will see you haven’t mastered the basics.

‘You can get lots of positive feedback from people but if you’re hoping to get into the creative industry, you have to remember that creative professionals will also be looking at your work and they’ll be able to see through that.’

What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned from creating your work?

‘I’d say the biggest lesson I have learned is to not to put things off.’

I’ve gone through numerous phases of just putting things off. Like I would think, ‘right I’m going to have a productive Saturday morning. I’m going to sit down and do lots of work’ but unless you set an objective or goal, that work never happens. You could sit there refreshing your feeds but unless you have something to work on, you’re not doing much at all. I learned that lesson in the past year.

‘I’ve decided to make To-Do lists on my phone. I make lists each day and that makes it a lot easier.’

If I don’t get the work done that day, I don’t go to bed at night [Laughs]. It’s one of the most basic things but it makes it really easy to stay focused. It’s all about goal setting. If I think ‘if I do this it will make me more successful’ but you have to break it down into smaller, easier steps.

All images are copyright of Aidan Broletti©

To see more of Aidan’s work, head over to his website: www.aidanbroletti.com

Join him on Instagram to see his latest adventures: www.instagram.com/aidanbroletti

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anavoliselenu · 7 years

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Relase me chapter 13

I lick my lips. “Now you’re breaking the rules.”

“Oh, I don’t think so.” He lifts his hands. “No touching. No demands. You’re not mine yet.” He glances at his watch. “Not for a few more hours,” he adds, and I have to stand up. My legs are too weak, my body too tingly, to let me remain squatting in the sand.

“Totally free for now,” I agree, but I’m thinking about those hours. About what will happen when they pass.

“So I have no authority now,” he says, his eyes roaming over my body. “I can’t tell you to touch yourself. I can’t insist that you lie naked in the surf and slide your fingers over your cunt. I can’t take you back to the pool and ease you in, then suck on your nipples while the water washes the sand from your body. I can’t slide my fingers inside you and feel how slick you are, how much you want me.”

His eyes are locked on mine, and my breathing has become shallow. My skin glistens with sweat, and not from the heat of the sun. I’m standing at least three feet from him, but it’s as if he’s right there. As if we’re connected. As if his hands are moving over my body in time with his words. And, dammit, I do want to touch myself. It takes all my willpower to keep my hands at my sides. Even then, my thumb is brushing the outside of my thigh, the motion slow and sensual. It’s all I have, and I’m clinging to it even as I cling to his words.

“I can’t take you into the hot tub and turn you around so that I can fuck you from behind while the water jet strokes your clit. I can’t clutch your breasts and fuck you harder while you come for me, exploding all around me. And I can’t make love to you on a balcony under the stars.”

Make love …

My heart flutters.

“I can’t, Selena,” he continues, “because you’re not mine yet. But I can soon,” he says. “Soon I can do whatever I want with you. I hope you’re ready.”

I swallow. I hope I am, too. Dear God, I hope I am.

When we exit the plane in Santa Monica, there are two cars waiting. Justin’s sleek red expensive car with the unpronounceable name and a Lincoln Town Car. A short man in a cap stands by the Town Car. He inclines his head when I glance at him.

Justin presses his palm to the small of my back and steers me toward the man. “This is Edward, one of my drivers. He’ll be taking you home.”

“You’re going back to your office?”

“I’m so sorry to cut our afternoon short, but it can’t be avoided.”

“No, no. Obviously you have work to do. It’s just that my car is in the parking garage. Why don’t I ride back with you?”

He presses a kiss to my forehead as Edward opens the Town Car door for me. “I would love the company, but your car is at your apartment.”

It takes me a second to process. “What? How did it get there?”

“I arranged it.”

“You arranged it,” I repeat. I’m not angry so much as baffled. No, actually, I’m angry. I feel the tension boiling up inside me. “You just did that without asking?”

He looks perplexed. “I thought you’d appreciate it.”

“That’s micromanaging my life and putting your sticky fingers all over my property.” I can hear my voice rising and force myself to tamp it down.

“I think you’re overreacting.”

Am I? I think about my mother and how much her fingers in every aspect of my life irritated me. Am I projecting my issues with my mother onto Justin? Or has he actually crossed some line? I’m not sure, and it bugs me that Elizabeth Fairchild is still haunting me from fifteen hundred miles away.

I run my fingers through my hair. “Sorry,” I finally say. I slide into the back of the Town Car and look back out at him. “You’re probably right. Just ask first next time, okay?”

“I was trying to help,” he says, another nonanswer, but he’s closing the door and that’s that.

Well, damn.

Edward climbs into the driver’s seat and takes off toward my apartment. But the truth is, I’m not ready to go home yet. “You can just drop me on the Promenade,” I say, referring to the shopping street in Santa Monica. “I’ll either catch a taxi home or have my roommate pick me up.”

“I’m sorry, Ms. Fairchild,” he says, guiding the car onto the entrance ramp to the 10. “My instructions are to take you straight home.”

Oh, for Pete’s sake!

“Instructions?” I echo. “Don’t I get a say?”

Edward looks up, and I meet his eyes in the rearview mirror. The answer is clear: No.

Dammit.

I pull out my cell phone and call Justin.

“Hey, baby.” His voice is low and sensual and now I’m even more angry—this time at myself for letting the caress of his voice shift me from my mission.

I rally and speak very firmly and clearly. “Would you please tell Edward that he doesn’t have to take me straight home? He seems to be under the impression that you were giving orders and not just telling him a destination.”

The pause before he answers is ominous. “You need to be ready at six. It’s already past two. You need to rest.”

“What the fuck?” I snap. “Are you my mother?”

“It’s been a long day, baby. You’re tired.”

“The hell I am.” Except he’s right. I am. Not that I’m about to admit it to him.

“No lying,” he says. “Remember.”

“Fine,” I say sharply. “I am tired. I’m also pissed. See you tonight, Mr. Stark.” I click off without waiting for an answer, then flop back in my seat and cross my arms over my chest. I close my eyes just for a second, but when I open them again, it’s because Edward has pulled up in front of my apartment. I must have been asleep for almost an hour.

I exhale, bemused and frustrated.

Edward opens the door for me, reminds me to be ready at six, and then gets back behind the wheel. He doesn’t drive off, though, and I realize he’s waiting for me to safely make it to my door. I stomp up the stairs, jam my key in the lock, and shove the door open—and am immediately confronted by the sight of a high-quality tote bag with Third Street Promenade silk-screened on the side, along with the logo for a local street fair. I know, of course, who sent it, but I can’t imagine how he pulled it together so fast.

“It just came for you,” a male voice says, and in the split second before I recognize that it’s Ollie, I jump. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He gets up from the armchair tucked in the far corner of the living room and comes toward me. I notice he’s barefoot. He’s left a magazine in the chair—Elle. Apparently he’s been reduced to reading my and Jamie’s coffee table fare.

“Just came?” I say.

“About five minutes ago. I put it on the table for you. It doesn’t weigh a thing.”

I’ve crossed to the table while he was talking, and I immediately see why it’s so light. It’s filled with nothing but crumpled tissue paper. On top is an envelope. I break the seal and pull out a card with words written in ornate calligraphy: I am jealous of your time away from me. I owe you a shopping trip. D.S.

My smile is as refreshing as a cool breeze. Somehow, he always knows the right thing to say—and manages to say it with incredibly efficiency. Once again, I can’t help but wonder how he got this to me so fast. The man must have staff all over the city.

I slide the card back into the envelope and tuck it back into the tissue paper; I don’t want Ollie to see.

“Who’s it from?” he asks.

“Long story,” I answer, then change the subject. “So what happened to you yesterday? Jamie said she invited you over.”

“Yeah, well, you know. I had stuff to do around the house, and then Courtney came back early from the conference, so we did the engaged-couple-hang-out thing.”

“What’s she doing today?”

“Work,” he says. “Same old, same old.”

“Right.” I put my bags down on the table and go into the kitchen for a bottle of water. As I’m taking a long swallow—I’m parched from alcohol and altitude—I realize what’s wrong with Ollie’s statement. “Why is she at work and you’re not?” I ask as I head back into the living area.

“Deposition ended earlier than I expected,” he says. “So I decided to come hang here.”

“That’s great. You didn’t come to see me, did you? Sorry I wasn’t here. Starting tomorrow, though, you might actually find me at home during the day.” It’s a hefty hint, but he doesn’t take it.

“No, I popped by to see Jamie. You know, to make up for blowing off her invitation yesterday.”

“Cool.” I flop down on the couch next to him. “So where is she, anyway?”

“Um, the bathroom. She’s taking a shower. I think she’s going out in a bit. I told her I’d hang out for a while and watch some screen, but now I think I’m getting hungry.” He stands. “Why don’t we go grab something?”

I shake my head. “I’m stuffed. You go on.”

“At least come sit with me. I’m just going around the corner to the Daily Grill.”

He’s already at the door. For someone who was casually vegging a moment ago, he’s certainly eager to get food. “Do you want me to make you something? We have a ton of leftover pizza.”

“Nah. I’m craving their burger. You coming?” He has the door open now.

I think about the camera and the pictures I want to dump into Photoshop. And then I think that Ollie is one of my best friends. “Sure,” I say. “Just give me a sec.”

I grab my sack and head toward my bedroom, but I pause long enough to tap on the bathroom door.

“Don’t be coy,” Jamie says. “Just come on in.”

The shower’s running, but Jamie’s voice is clear, and I imagine she’s probably got her leg propped up on the toilet seat as she shaves. Since we haven’t been shy with each other since ninth grade, I open the door. I’m not at all surprised to see her leg slathered with shaving cream. I am surprised by the expression on her face. It’s one of complete and total shock.

Everything clicks into place.

“Hey, Nik! Why are you home in the middle of the day?”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I snap. “He’s engaged. Off limits. Jesus, Jamie.”

“I—” But she doesn’t finish. Just grabs a towel and wraps it around herself.

“Shit.” The curse bursts out of me. “Shit, damn, fuck.” I am not an expert curser, so that’s pretty brutal for me. “Did you fuck him?”

Her lips are tight together, but she gives just the tiniest nod.

I leave the bathroom and slam the door behind me. Ollie is still standing by the door, and I can tell from his expression that he either overheard our conversation or is smart enough to have figured out the gist of it.

“Jesus, Ollie,” I say.

He looks contrite. Hell, he looks beat up. “I fucked up, Nik. What can I say?”

I exhale. I’m furious, but this is Ollie and I love him and I have to be there for him. For him, and for Jamie. Oh, God. Jamie. “It had to be Jamie? You couldn’t have fucked someone I don’t love? You guys are my best friends—I don’t want to be in the middle of this.”

“I know. I do. I’m sorry. Look, come get some lunch with me. I’ll—we can talk. Or not talk. Just come, okay?”

I nod. “I’ll just have a tea or something. I had a huge lunch with Justin.”

“Justin,” he repeats, and I force myself not to wince. I hadn’t meant to mention Justin’s name. “Christ, Nik. He’s bad news.”

“Don’t you dare,” I say, and I have to work to keep tight control on my voice. “Don’t you dare give me that shit. You can’t stand here and tell me you don’t like Justin Stark. You can’t toss something like that at me and stand there like you’ve got the moral high ground beneath your feet, because you so do not.”

“You’re right—you’re right.” He runs his fingers through his already untidy hair. “Listen, I’m just gonna get a burger and head back to the office. We should talk tomorrow, okay? You can berate me about Jamie all you want. And maybe I’ll even have some shit to tell you, too.”

“About Justin?” I ask coldly.

He hooks his thumb at the door. “I’m going to just—I really am sorry.”

I don’t bother saying anything else. I watch him go, and then I take my stuff and stomp off to my room. My mood is vile, and twice I pick up the phone and think about calling Justin. But what would I say? Hi, you want to paint me and you’re paying me to be your plaything and so I thought I’d call you and dump my friends’ problems on you? Somehow, that just didn’t seem right.

Jamie’s still in the bathroom, most likely because she’s either avoiding me or working up the courage to talk to me. Honestly, I’m not in any hurry.

I boot up my laptop and use the cord from the Leica’s box to download the images into Photoshop. The first one that loads is the rippled image of the wave-battered beach. It’s crisp and clean and makes me think of escape. As if I could step into the froth that the camera has captured and let the tide tug me out to sea, away from everything and everyone.

Except I don’t want to get away from everyone.…

I open another image, and find myself looking at Justin. I’ve caught him in motion, and I think that’s appropriate. When I think of Justin Stark, he’s always moving. He’s a man who makes things happen. He’s action personified, and I’ve managed to catch that, along with something else. Joy.

He’d been turning toward me when I snapped the picture, and his face fills my screen. His lips are parted with the beginning of a laugh, and the afternoon light is reflected in his eyes. His expression is wide open and he’s completely in the moment. My chest feels heavy with emotion. I’ve seen him smile and laugh and smirk and tease, but only in this captured moment have I truly seen exultation.

I press my fingertips to the computer screen and touch Justin’s face. Justin, so strong and yet so injured.

I think of the scars that mar my body and pull up my feet so that my heels rest on the desk chair. Then I hug my knees tight. Justin may not have taken a knife to his skin, but I know that he’s scarred, too. But when I look at his face—at the euphoria in this image—it’s not the injuries I see, but the man who survived them.

After a few minutes, I hear the bathroom door open and Jamie’s soft footfalls on the carpet. They pause outside my door and I tense, but she doesn’t knock and a few moments later I hear the click of her door. I wait a minute, and then head for the bathroom for a shower. I feel gross, soiled by my friends’ dirty laundry. I want to stand in scalding water and let it wash the grime off me.

I take off my clothes and get in without waiting for the temperature to adjust. At first it’s ice cold, and I want to scream from the shock. Then the heater kicks in and I close my eyes, taking it, wanting to slough off the outer layer of myself.

I squirt some of Jamie’s strawberry scented bodywash into my hand and rub it all over myself, including my inner thighs. I slow down as I feel the raised flesh beneath my fingers.

Justin’s going to see them tonight.

I squeeze my eyes shut, thinking about how stupid I’ve been. I’d been planning on turning his little game around on him. Making the revelation of my scars some sort of triumphant fuck you instead of the reminder of how weak I’ve been. Of how much I let the pain take over.

But I no longer want my scars to be a weapon. I no longer want to risk losing this week with Justin. I’ve lost so much already today.

I stand there in the shower, my shoulders shaking as I cry, and hot tears snake down my cheeks to mix with the scalding water that beats down upon my damaged skin.

I am standing on a cliff, the waves crashing far below me.

I look down. Justin is there, his arms outstretched, his head back. He’s calling to me. You’re mine, he says. Jump to me. I’ll catch you.

Jump,

Just jump,

Just jump …

I wake with a start as the timer on my phone blares. I’d closed my eyes after my shower intending only to lay in bed for ten minutes. Thankfully I had the foresight to set the timer for an hour just in case. It’s almost five—Justin will be here in just over an hour.

I don’t bother dressing in anything fancy. After all, I’m just going to be taking my clothes off again. I frown and tell myself it will be okay. He won’t want the painting once he learns the truth, but he won’t be cruel. Justin might be ice sometimes, but he’s not cruel.

I pull on jeans and a Universal Studios theme park tank top I bought last year when I’d flown out to visit Jamie. I slide on the flip-flops, check my hair in the mirror, and decide that I look passable. I’m not wearing makeup, and I feel a bit naked without it. One of those sad truths that annoys me, since I only feel like I need makeup every time I step out into the world because my mother drilled into my head that a woman shouldn’t leave the house without first putting her face on.

Really, Mother? Because I’m pretty sure that faces aren’t actually removable.

Yet despite my quick dip into the land of sarcastic comebacks, I still bury myself under cosmetics every day of the week. I console myself with the knowledge that most girls do the same. It’s not a mother thing, it’s a feminine unity thing. Or, better, it’s a me thing.

But I’ve done enough pageants and photo shoots to know that artists often like their subjects to start out as blank canvases. So here I sit with a naked face to match my soon-to-be-naked body.

I spend the next half hour at my computer fixing up my resume. I shoot it off to Thom, the headhunter who got me the job with Carl. I include an email explaining the situation so that he understands why I’m looking for a new job after less than a week at the first one. With luck, he won’t decide I’m a problem client and cut me loose. With even more luck, he’ll get some new interviews lined up this week.

I still have a few minutes, so I decide to work on some code. But instead of pulling up my template, I find myself typing Justin’s name into a search engine. I’m not looking for anything in particular. I just want to know more. Instead of satisfying me, the bits and pieces of himself Justin has tossed my direction have only whetted my appetite.

Not surprisingly, I get about as many hits as the man has dollars. His tennis career, his industrial empire, his philanthropic causes. His women. Though I’m still desperately curious about his youth, I can’t fight the compulsion to narrow the search to Justin and the women he’s been photographed with. I click on the link that shows me images only, then sit back as an array of beauties fill my screen, each on Justin Stark’s sexy but enigmatic arm.

Justin has rarely been photographed with the same woman twice, which matches what he told me. I find one girl and click back to the original source of the image. It’s a celebrity gossip blog, and the woman is identified as Giselle Reynard. When I look closer, I recognize her as Audrey Hepburn with much longer hair. Some of the tension leaves me. I already know that Giselle is married.

There are also a number of pictures that show Justin with a wide-eyed blonde identified as Sara Padgett. Several of the captions reveal that Sara was found asphyxiated. And though none come out and claim that Justin was involved, there are enough hints that I have to wonder if these photos and captions are Sara Padgett’s brother’s doing, and if this is the kind of stuff that Justin is pushing Mr. Maynard to fight.

I press my finger to my monitor and touch Justin’s face, but my eyes are on Sara. Did she kill herself on purpose? Or was she really trying to get off and died accidentally? Either way makes me sad. I’ve felt so lost and helpless that I hurt myself in order to feel real, but I never crossed that line into desiring death. On the contrary, I was trying to find that pulse of life inside me.

I close out the website. I’m already melancholy, and this is not the way to feel better. Instead, I go to YouTube and watch old Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire dance clips. I start with “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes.”

Fred is just dipping Ginger when there’s a knock at my door. I shut my laptop, grab my purse, and head for the front of the apartment. Already my pulse has quickened and my body is more aware of the space it’s occupying, as if readying itself to share that space with another human being.

I pause, take a deep breath, and reach for the doorknob.

I tug the door open expecting to see Justin, and am surprised to find Edward. “Oh,” I say. “I thought—”

“Mr. Stark apologizes,” Edward says. “He got held up.”

“I see.” I follow him to the car, each of my steps weighed down with disappointment—and with a rising anger. Not at Justin, but at myself. I’ve been letting myself get lost in girlish fantasies, and I’ve lost sight of the larger picture. I’m something Justin bought, like his hotel or his jet or his car. I’m not his girlfriend or his lover. Not really. I’m simply his, and that’s okay because I agreed to it and I’m getting paid for it. But I can’t start thinking that a tantalizing arrangement has some semblance to reality. This is a game to him, and I came in as a willing player, negotiating hard for the terms I wanted.

I got them, too. And I remind myself of that important fact. It may feel as though Justin has all the power, but he doesn’t. I kept a little bit of control—and I’ll walk away with a million.

The grounds are dotted with workmen when we arrive. They’re hauling dirt, planting flowers, clearing rocks. Another crew works on the stone facade on the eastern-facing wall. At least I assume it faces the east. As far as I’m concerned, anything that looks out on the California ocean is west and the opposite is east.

For a moment I fear that there are workmen inside, too, because I never added privacy to my conditions. I assumed that only Justin and the artist would be there. But now, seeing these men …

Surely Justin wouldn’t ask me to stand naked in front of the world?

Don’t be so sure.

But when Edward opens the door for me and leads me in, I see that my fears are unfounded. The place is silent except for the soft strains of music coming from somewhere in the back.

The house is not yet finished, but the shell is firmly in place. The walls still need painting, the wood needs to be finished. Light fixtures are missing, with only a few dangling wires indicating where they will go. But the grandeur of the home is obvious. The ceilings soar. The floors are stunning, even though I can see only bits and pieces under the protective brown paper. And the marble staircase and twisted iron handrail look like something out of a five-star hotel.

I follow Edward up that staircase, and the change when we step onto the third floor landing is astonishing. There is nothing raw or half-complete about this area. The wood floors are polished to a shine, and accented by thick, expensive area rugs. The walls are painted in a pale rose, and I imagine that the space glows at sunset.

The entire room is stunning and inviting. It’s obviously meant for entertaining, despite the fact that the focal point is a giant bed. It’s been put there for my benefit, I’m certain, and I squeeze my thighs together in an attempt to stall the blood that is rushing to my sex.

The room appears to be missing a wall, but I quickly realize that the wall is made of glass partitions that have been pushed aside and hidden, like pocket doors taken to the extreme. I step outside and find myself on a stone balcony that looks out over the ocean. It’s closer than I expected considering how twisting and turning our drive was, and I can actually hear the crash of the waves.

“Mr. Stark will be right with you,” Edward says, and then he bows and leaves, and I’m left to explore on my own.

Part of me wants to stay outside and feel the sea breeze on my hair and listen to the ocean crashing beneath me. But I want to see the room. I go back inside and stand by the bed. It is positioned at an angle to the wide-open wall, and in that area sheer drapes have been hung from the ceiling. They flutter now in the breeze. An easel stands a few feet away, and I know that this area has been staged. For me. I tremble at the thought and run my hand over one of the bedposts. It’s old-fashioned, iron polished to a reflective sheen. Sturdy and yet sensual. Like Justin. Strong. As if this bed has demands of its own.

Oh …

The bed has no spread, only blue-gray sheets, rumpled to give it a slept-in quality. I wonder if Justin has slept here and I move to sit on the side facing the ocean. A gust of wind catches the drapes and they blow in, brushing my arms, bare in the souvenir tank top. I close my eyes and lie back, no longer wondering why Justin isn’t here yet. He wants me lost in my thoughts with this bed and this breeze and the gossamer feel of the silky drapes on my skin.

“I like that view.”

I know that voice, and I don’t move. I stay on the bed, but allow a smile to creep onto my face. “Then why don’t you come enjoy it?”

A moment later, I feel the mattress shift. I keep my eyes closed as his thumb strokes my lips, then traces downward between my breasts to the waistband of my jeans. “I told you not to wear underwear,” he whispers.

“I didn’t,” I say.

In the silence, I think I can hear his smile.

I keep my eyes closed as he unbuttons my fly and unzips my jeans. They fit loose, and his hand glides easily inside. My trimmed pubic hair is already damp, and by the time his fingers slide over my vulva, I’m slick with desire, my hips rising off the bed to meet his touch, my clit throbbing with anticipation.

“Mmm,” he whispers, sliding two fingers inside me, the sensations so surprising and arousing I bite my lip to keep from crying out. “And no more jeans. I want you only in skirts. No underwear. A garter if you want stockings. I want you accessible. Anytime, anywhere.”

My sex clenches around his fingers with excitement, and he moans softly. “God, you’re so responsive.” He pulls his fingers out of me, and I want to whimper from the loss. “Keep your eyes closed,” he says, and then I feel his fingers on my lips. “Suck,” he orders, and I draw his finger inside. It is slick with the taste of me, and I shift on the bed, squeezing my thighs together, sucking hard on him as I try to reach satisfaction.

Slowly, he pulls his fingers free.

“Justin,” I whisper.

“Mine,” he whispers, the word telling me everything I need to know. I’ll come when he’s ready for me to. The knowledge is arousing in itself—and damn frustrating, too.

I feel the press of his mouth against my breast. He sucks me through the tank top, and I arch up to meet him, then cry out when his teeth nip at my tender nipple. My eyes fly open and I find Justin Stark grinning playfully down at me. “Well, hello. I take it you like the bed?”

I sit up, trying to present a prim and calm facade. “Is it yours?”

“No,” he says. “Not the way you mean. It’s for the portrait. And this week. That means it’s yours, I suppose.” His eyes skim over me, and I shiver under his inspection. “Or ours.”

I swallow. “Well, you’ve staged a lovely room. I’m sure the portrait will be wonderful. When is the artist getting here?”

“He’s already here,” Justin says, then laughs when my eyes go wide with horror. “Don’t worry, he’s in the kitchen. I don’t do public sex.” He nips my ear. “I do everything else, though,” he whispers, and I feel my body flush as I wonder just what “everything else” could mean.

“Blaine,” he calls. “Why don’t you bring your coffee in here.”

“Blaine?” I ask. “I thought you didn’t care for his work.”

“On the contrary. I think his skill is exceptional. He conveys an intense eroticism. I simply wasn’t impressed with his models or with the staging. I want that same erotic allure, but without the trappings. I’ll tie you up, Selena, but I won’t put a picture of it on my wall.”

Tie me up …

I nod stupidly. He keeps knocking me off kilter.

A moment later, Blaine comes in carrying a mug of coffee and I quickly button my jeans and get off the bed. He’s more casual than he was at Evelyn’s party, just Dockers and a black T-shirt. He smiles in a wide, friendly greeting. “Great to see you again, Selena. Are you nervous?”

:"Hel:�� /

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