#but i am gonna eventually get to everything i put on the backburner

[theromanticscrooge]

Rambles About What Happened and What I’m Doing

I left YouTube back in late 2017. Then I slowly quit and pulled away from being “The Romance Scrooge” over 2018, too.

What originally happened was that my laptop died. I didn’t have backups of my videos, my Photoshop and Illustrator files, or any of the assets/footage I was actively using to make videos at the time. It was the topping of a shit cake. I was 2 years out of college with a fine arts degree, but I wasn’t selling art or working in an art studio like I’d hoped. There were no art studios close enough. I had no confidence in myself or my art. I was juggling 5 different part time merchandiser jobs in addition to picking up whatever gigs I could find on freelancer apps. I wanted to be in charge of my schedule, my life, my time, and every detail.

Instead, I was drowning. I had burned out from trying to do too much at once and refusing to acknowledge that I had anxiety and depression among other personal issues that I’m not getting into. Everything was slowly shoved onto the backburner because I was floundering so bad, getting more stressed out, and had no idea how to fix things let alone get help or start rebuilding my life. Then 2020 happened and honestly, it was a downhill slide until the past 6-8 months. I’ve made more progress figuring out who I am, what my limits are, what I want from life, and otherwise this year than in the past 4-5 years. There’s still a lot I want and need to do, but I decided that resurrecting Scrooge and giving things another go is part of that.

I’ve been working on weird, surreal art under the pen name Cosmimarshmello, too. I’m currently workshopping what to do with that, too, but I consider that a separate project from anything I’m doing with Scrooge.

Where to go From Here...

I’ve been fighting with pretty bad writer’s block for the last few years. Cobbling together a coherent thought or something worth posting happened once in a blue moon. It could be once a month or once every 5 months. There’s a few thoughts on here I’m considering about taking another crack at, like my post on April and Donnie between the 2003 TMNT to Rise of the TMNT. I’m leaning towards writing and making something new for now, though. I feel like the proverbial floodgates opened back up and I can work up to what I used to be able to do and eventually better.

For now, I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do now or what my next video will be. I want to ease into things so it’ll be rambly blog posts and shorter thoughts/takes on various topics for awhile while I find my voice again. There’s gonna be more waffling like this since, honestly, stream of thought is a fantastic base for getting thoughts out period. It’s how I used to brainstorm, too. The process would be: dump several paragraphs on a specific idea here, then comb through and sew together what’s relevant, discard what isn’t, put irrelevant ideas in a different draft for later. Some sessions led to a few more video ideas than just the big one I originally had in mind. 

Part of it is that I feel like I don’t have anything interesting or meaningful enough to talk about. There’s so many more people in the niche I used to be part of. Every bigger topic has already been covered by three different people and there’s already established reviewers or creators that viewers immediately go to for particular topics or things. That’s before even tackling how beastly YouTube’s algorithm has become, among other potential spaces. The algorithm is exactly why I’m leaning towards starting back up here and branching out to spaces like Mastodon first. At least for the text-based stuff.

They aren’t dominated by an algorithm. People will actually see my posts; even if it’s weeks, months, or years later. That factor helps a lot with how disposable social media can make someone feel.

I still feel like someone with not a lot to say. But I’ve kept tabs on a few different YouTubers that started small or are consistent and getting better every day. Honestly, a big part of starting again now is to remind myself that some projects and journeys are worthwhile; not only will my writing and potential videos get better with time, but hopefully it helps with personal growth, too.

I’ve been especially inspired by someone going through a hard time and showing parts of how she’s working on herself and her life through YouTube. I’m wondering if I can do similar for someone else by chronicling the “behind the scenes” stuff like this.

[mavspeed]

Hello there, you seem to have a good taste in things :) , what sort of tv shows do you watch? :)

THANK YOU OMG AND OKAY!!!

I think I have a wide taste in shows??? like if the show is good, with solid writing and at least Some gay I’m in. im not watching a lot of shit currently because i’m extremely lazy but here’s a list of shit I’m currently watching:

lucifer (season 3 is AWFUL but season 4 is so fucking excellent it actually more than makes up for how bad season 3 was)

brooklyn 99 (again season 6 is awful but earlier seasons literally changed the game)

on my block (I stopped mid season 1 but I plan to pick it back up again)

sex education (I have my issues with season 2 but still it’s good)

daredevil (I don’t think, genuinely, any superhero tv show can ever top this one and yes this includes all the cookie cutter shit Disney plus is putting out)

mindhunter (I stopped mid season 2 but I’m gonna continue it again)

patriot act (hasan minhaj is hilarious although his humour is v niche but also he has a very good way of making tough political issues easy to get)

ragnarok (its on netflix and its kinda slow but it also does kinda slap. also features actually gay loki)

big little lies (i stopped mid season 1 but im planning to continue this one as well)

and here’s a list i’m actually planning to watch eventually because ive heard good things and not to flex but my predictive taste is impeccable:

hunters (nazi hunters! logan lerman! al pacino!)

superstore

schitt’s creek

fleabag

killing eve

black sails

the untamed (its a kdrama and usually i detest kdramas but hear me out. its gay and both the stars are very pretty)

high fidelity 

[ghostdrafts]

Hi Ghost, I hope you feel better soon!

If it's okay I'd like to request (I'm not sure if requests are open, feel free to ignore or put on the backburner if not!) Hank Hall x Reader where Reader starts wearing Hank's shirts to bed (because they are big and comfy and if Reader is wearing them Hank isn't so all good reasons) and Hank didn't *think* he had a thing for this but is quickly realising he very much *does* and Reader maybe teases him with it a little ;D

a/n: Oh, anon. First of all, I love you for this. Secondly, I apologize that it took me so long, but I hope you enjoy! <3

Hank Hall x Reader

Requests Open

The first time it happens, he doesn't get the chance to think about it very much one way or the other. It wasn't intentional or thought through on your part, but after things got heavy and left you both naked, eventually falling asleep wrapped around each other, you woke up in the middle of the night to get some water. Hank's shirt was the closest thing you happened to grab, and there wasn't much sense in taking it off when you climbed back into bed with him.

He'd open his eyes and give up a gruff good morning but it isn't until he starts sliding his hand up your side that he realizes you're wearing his shirt.

Oh, so we're at that stage now where you're just gonna steal all my clothes?

As much as it sounds like a complaint, he says it with a grin on his face.

Hank has a habit of leaving his clothes laying around everywhere. And I mean everywhere. It's kind of a problem, but it makes for easy access. When you get out of the shower, hair still a little damp, in nothing but his shirt, he stops what he’s doing and takes the time to rake his eyes over you.

One sultry sweep up and down before he’s crossing the distance, right into your space, hands sliding up the hem to rest on the bare curve of your hips, slowly hauling you toward him.

As much as he loves having you all to himself, half naked, in his shirt, that in turn tends to keep him half naked as well, it’s when you start wearing them out that it drives him to the brink of the sweetest kind of insanity.

He’s watching you like a hawk (yes, I did this on purpose), making conversation, talking and laughing around your shared group of friends. Wearing his goddamn shirt.

Everyone knows it’s his and that makes you his too. Everyone gets to see that you belong to him and you have every part of him in return. Everything he has to offer. Straight down to the shirt off his back.

He smothers the simmer slowly boiling away at his resolve in a beer bottle, watching the way you moved, the way it was sizes too big for you and swayed in a pool of fabric around your body.

His knuckles went white around the neck of his drink and Dick feigned friendly concern in the place of heartfelt caution. There were a couple of (several) occasions when they’d gotten to drinking and the mood just didn’t sit right with Hank. Those usually resulted in him and Dick taking a couple of swings at each other.

I’m fine. He wanted to rip that shirt off of you.

It was sometime after dinner when you finally relented under his stares.

Am I being punished for something?

The question caught you off guard into laughing, but it was cut short when he caught you by the waist, leaning down to your level, so his nose brushed against yours and his lips were close enough for you to feel what he had to say next. It was then that you noticed how dark his gaze was.

Because I swear, y/n. You’re going to be the death of me. Can’t say I mind when I’d be going out with a bang

[bittydragon]

Update

Alright, I think y’all are due for an update now that I’m becoming more active again. There’s a few things I wanna touch on about how I’m gonna do things.

1) I have officially decided to put all my focus on my fics and oneshots. My little side AUs (like Ant AU, Giant Monster AU, etc.) will be put on the backburner and I will not be further adding to them until further notice. I have no motivation to work on those AUs and instead I want to focus on my writing itself. I know many of you enjoyed those AUs and that makes me so happy, but until further notice I will not be updating them.

2) I am still taking asks! If you have any questions about my stories (fics and oneshots), questions for me, or just some fun little asks you can send them over! I don’t mind asks at all, I love talking to you guys!

3) My policy on asks vs submissions still stands, so I’ll reiterate it here. Submissions are for fanart and for writing submissions you don’t want to post to your own blog and tag me in. Asks are for everything else, including everything I have listed above.

4) I will be updating my masterpost with some basic information involving some of the stuff I have put into this post, to make it a bit easier to find once this post gets buried (like it eventually will)

Thank you all for enjoying my content and for sticking around!

[pixiesstolemyapples]

Stormy Nights Chapter 2

Summary: Nightmares and intense storms have left Pidge with little sleep. Comfort from a close friend helps ease some of her anxieties. Please enjoy!

A/N: Here is chapter two! It ended up being muuuch longer than I was initially anticipating, but I hope you all like it all the same! If you want to read this on my FanFiction or AO3, please click either of these links! 

Also this take place in between seasons 3 and 4. There will eventually also be a couple time skips depending on where I want to take this story, so stay tuned! Thanks for reading, drop a follow, post a review if you like!

               For the first time in weeks, nightmares and vacant eyes didn't haunt Pidge's dreams. She actually didn't really dream of anything, to be honest. It was a calmness. Like she was sitting by the seashore, just listening to the waves crashing against the rocks. She felt so light, like she was floating, enveloped by a warm, fuzzy feeling.

               Pidge opened her eyes. The room was dim, save for the small floor lights around the paneling of the room. One thing she quickly realized was that she was alone in her bed. She felt around in the dim dark for her glasses, looking over at the clock by her bedside. A little after 9 AM. Could she have imagined the whole thing? Or dreamed that Lance comforted her until she slept? Maybe he left right after she fell asleep.

               She lifted up and sat on the edge of her bed, just thinking. Some of her memories were pretty vivid of the encounter. She remembered waking up, she remembered Lance's incredible hug, being lifted up and held tight enough to calm her down. She couldn't have hallucinated all that, could she have?

               She stood up, stretching out her short legs. Her window cover was still closed though (which honestly was super smart of Lance to close it to muffle the thunder, why hadn't she thought of that) and she didn't remember closing it in the first place. She pushed a couple buttons to open it back up, seeing that the planet was still dark, the thunder and lightning stopped, the rain and wind still fairly steady. Why the thunder and lightning stopped when it was essentially "the daytime" Pidge didn't know, but she wasn't about to complain.

               Pidge decided to put the situation on the backburner for that moment, grabbing some clothes and heading to the bathrooms to take a shower. She just wasn't sure how she was going to get through the thunder again. If it was still dark now, that meant it was still going to be dark by nighttime. She didn't want to go through a sixth night of thunder. Standing under the cool stream of the shower was helping feel more at ease, however. There was something about cool showers that Pidge liked. By no means did she like them freezing cold, but having a bit of a sweating problem and being a little overly warm when trying to sleep at night made for a pretty pleasant shower the next day.

               Oh quiznack... she didn't sweat all over Lance in the night, did she? She still wasn't even positive if she hallucinated him being there or not but... how would they act around each other if he did? Pidge stopped herself. Dummy, it's not like you guys did anything, he just... comforted me, that's all.

               Pidge stepped out of the shower and dried herself off. Despite the cool shower, her hair was clinging to her neck. Pidge sighed, fishing a hairtie out of her shorts pocket and trying her best to get her short hair into a ponytail.

               She headed out the door, about to head to the kitchen for breakfast when she ran into someone. The someone she both didn't want to talk to and needed to talk to the most was standing right in front of her.

               "Hey, Pidge," Lance said, albeit a little awkwardly. She wasn't sure if she already wanted to try to talk to him about this. How embarrassing would it be to ask about last night and for her to have just dreamed it up. Pidge would be mortified. But right there Lance eased the green paladin's mind.

               "How are you feeling?" Lance asked, concern in his voice. "You were pretty shaken up last night, I thought it might be best if I just let you sleep. Are you always like that with thunder?"

               "Oh, uh," Pidge stammered. "I don't.. really like to talk about it."

               She looked up to Lance's troubled face, a pang of guilt hitting her in the chest and looking back down. I mean, I did disturb him last night... maybe he deserves to know.

               Before she could say anything, Lance lightly tapped her on her arm, causing her to look back up. "Do you want to go eat breakfast?" Lance asked, casually thumbing behind him. Pidge was a bit caught off guard, suddenly feeling a weight be pulled off her shoulder. Just hearing Lance say that instantly put her at ease, as if he could tell talking about it just wasn't the time for her. To be honest, she was embarrassed. She was a paladin of Voltron, she'd heard noises way louder, explosions even, than thunder, she couldn't believe she was still scared of it despite all she'd been through by then but... she didn't really want to think much about it.

               Pidge smiled and nodded. "That actually sounds wonderful, thank you, Lance."

               They walked the short distance to the elevator, Lance punching the button to the floor where the dining area was. Walking into the kitchen, the two paladins noticed no Hunk in sight, which was odd, since he usually was the first person in there making breakfast. It was only a little past nine o'clock, not to mention it's been a bit of an off week for the paladins. Planet Quaid made it no easier for them to train.

               Lance pulled down two bowls and picked up a box of what was essentially chocolate flavored cereal. They weren't sure if it was actual chocolate let alone actual cereal, but it made for a nice breakfast that still went well with the milk they had, thanks to Kaltenecker.

               They sat in silence, save for the crunching of the cereal. Pidge kind of hoped Lance wouldn't bring up the sleeping situation like he didn't the thunder situation, but alas, not everything could be as easy as she hoped.

               "I'm, uh," he started out, rubbing the back of his neck as he leaned up against the counter, "I'm sorry for kind of... forcing myself into your bed last night, I..."

               Pidge set down her spoon on the table, knitting her eyebrows in worry over Lance's comment. How could he be apologizing to her?

               "Lance..." Pidge said quietly, looking down, trying to think of the right words to say. She looked up, slight determination in her eyes. "You did nothing wrong. If anything, I should be apologizing to you for waking you up in the first place..."

               Lance squeezed his lips together, down casting his eyes for a moment. "We've been on Planet Quaid for nearly six full quintents," Lance said, pulling out a chair next to Pidge, leaning his arms on the table," and it's thundered every night we've been here, so what have you been doing at night all this time?"

               Pidge was afraid he'd ask that. She looked away, her one hand pawing at the fingers of her other hand. Lanced furrowed his brows, leaning down to try to look her in the eyes, to which she simply looked further away.

               "Pidge..." Lance said. "Have you gotten any sleep in the last couple nights?"

               Pidge sighed, defeated and too tired to try to hide it. "I mostly just try to cover my ears. My pillow helps a little, but drifting into sleep makes me relax, and then the pillow slips off my head and I wake up as soon as I hear the next crack of thunder. Using my headphones doesn't help either. I like using my fan because of the calm sound... my music only ends up distracting me and then I get zero sleep. Eventually when it starts to turn to "day", the thunder stops and I finally get maybe two or three vargas of sleep."

               She looked up to see a concerned Lance listening intently, causing her to instantly look back down, knitting her brows and pouting her lip. "Plus I feel super dumb that I didn't think to close the window cover like you did."

               Lance laughed, holding his hand to his stomach. "I can't believe I actually thought of something you didn't!"

               Pidge couldn't help but giggle. "Well, don't get used to it."

               The two contentedly chuckled. This was a pleasant moment between Pidge and Lance. She couldn't believe how comfortable she had been feeling around Lance. He definitely had a caring piece in that overzealous, outrageous heart of his.

               Just then the door whooshed open to reveal Hunk, surprised to see his two friends sitting in the kitchen already.

               "Oh hey, you guys are up already," Hunk said. "Aw, you guys ate already, I was gonna try my best to recreate waffles. We have milk and nothing else to make actual waffles, not even a waffle maker, but I feel like if I try hard enough, I might be able to make it happen, who's in?"

               "I could go for a waffle," said Lance, standing up from his seat. "Plus I think it'll be super entertaining to watch."

               "I'm pumped up," Hunk said enthusiastically. "You up for it Pidge?"

               "I'm sure it'll be cool to watch, but I'm gonna go work on some things," Pidge said as she stood up from her seat, grabbing her and Lance's bowls to put them in the dishwasher. "Save me a waffle though, if you're successful, that is."

               "Will do." With that, she started for the door.

               Looking back, she watched her friends for a moment, watching Lance hold a plant that spat powder all over his face with Hunk saying "Ooohh, that might work as flour" as Lance sputtered whatever it was out of his mouth. Pidge smiled as she looked upon her two friends, and headed down the hall to continue the restless work of finding her family.

***

               Pidge closed her laptop, sighing in defeat. She wiped her bangs from her face, setting her elbow on her knee and resting her cheek in her hand. She was out of options for the day. She'd done everything, cross referenced the footage from the Beta Traz with every piece of security they had gathered from past missions aboard Galra ships and outposts. And to make matters worse, she had nothing on her father's whereabouts. Not even a smidgeon of evidence to where he was or where he could be besides what she found out from the prisoners of Sendak's ship.

               She worried. What if she never found them again? What would she do? What would she tell her mom? She shook her head and turned the music in her headphones a bit louder. She couldn't think like that. Pidge knew blind optimism wasn't in her best interests, but they've made a lot of progress. Plus the Blade of Marmora have been helpful enough to check for information if they're able to. She'd have to remember to ask Keith about it the next time he goes out on a mission.

               With that, Pidge headed for the bathrooms to brush her teeth. Walking into her room, she sighed again. Trying to stay positive was still hard though. She just missed them so much. Unfortunately for Pidge, she was about to feel worse. As soon as she took off her headphones, a huge crack of thunder rattled the castle. A shriek shot its way through her throat, squeezing the top of her headphones in her hands. She leaned against the door, short, shallow breathes escaping through her teeth. She balled up her fist against her mouth, irately groaning at herself for screaming. Just then, the door she was leaning on opened with a whoosh, sending her careening backwards with a yelp.            

               She didn't land on the floor, she realized, as she soon felt someone under her, hearing a groan reverberate through their chest. She looked back to see Lance.

               "Oh my god, Lance, I'm sorry!" she said, immediately standing up and holding a hand out to him.

               "It's okay, Pidge, it's my fault anyways," he chuckled, taking her hand and lifting up himself up. He looked at her other hand. "Hey, you found my head- ohh, wait.."

               Pidge gasped. "YOU. YOU were the one who stole my headphones!" she said, pouting her bottom lip and standing on her tiptoes toward him. Lance half assed a sincere response.

               "I just used them a bit when I was sleeping!" he confessed, holding his hands up in defense, a glint of mischief in his eyes.

               "Yeah and then you lost them," Pidge said, her eyebrow perking up, her hands on her hips.

               "Or maybe I left them right where you could find them," Lance mused, setting his chin in between his finger and thumb.

               "Or you just lost them like you-" a sudden crack of thunder sounded, causing Pidge to grab Lance by his shirt, involuntarily looking up at the ceiling with worry on her face. She sighed when she realized what she did again in front of Lance, carefully looking back up to him to see a concerned look on his face.

               "Pidge..."

               "I'm- I will-... I'll be-"

               With an exasperated sigh, Lance grabbed her hand and led her into her room. Her door shut behind them, Lance walking over to her window to once again seal it shut. He stopped a moment after that, going slightly stiff. Lance looked back at her sheepishly.

               "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "If what I did last night made you feel uncomfortable, I don't..."

               Pidge stared up at him. Knowing that was a concern of his made her heart skip a beat. He's a truly caring person, Pidge realized. Not that she never knew that, but...

               Pidge shook her head. "It-it's fine, Lance," she looked down as she whispered. "It's... it's the most sleep I've gotten in almost a week so... it's okay."

               "Alright, um..." Lance stammered, suddenly turning away from her with his hands on his hips. Pidge quirked her eyebrow up.

               "..Lance?"

               "Hmm?"

               "What are you doing?" she inquired.

               "Well I'm not gonna watch you change!!" Lance said huffily.

               "Oh!" Pidge quickly changed into her sleep clothes, lightly tapping Lance on the shoulder once she was finished.

               There was an air of awkwardness about them this time, as if this were more of a transaction than the quick thinking Lance had the night before. She and Lance quietly walked over to the bed when thunder, albeit muffled this time, echoed around the castle. Pidge gasped loud, involuntarily grabbing Lance, pulling him and causing him to trip, the both of them falling onto Pidge's bed.

               Both of Lance's forearms were on either side of her head. Pidge nearly stopped breathing. Lance's face was so close to her's, she could see the few faint freckles that dotted his nose. His deep blue eyes had speckled green flakes in them.

               The whole encounter lasted all of a few ticks, but to Pidge it felt like forever. But Lance quickly stood up, rubbing the back of his neck and voicing many apologies in a row. For a moment when he glanced back at the door Pidge thought he was going to leave. Much to Pidge's relief, he laid down on the bed with his back to her, which Pidge wasn't offended in the least about. After all, there were more than a few awkward encounters between the two of them just now.

               Another crack of thunder and Pidge squeezed her eyes shut, grasping at the back of Lance's soft sleep shirt tight. She could feel Lance turning his head slightly, as if he wanted to say something.

               Finally after a couple minutes of silence, Lance finally spoke. "So... why are you so afraid of thunder, Pidge?" She wasn't sure if she wanted to answer, it was a very ugly and scary memory. Well, not exactly scary, but it was scary to her at the time.

               "Um..."

               "You don't have to answer," Lance said suddenly. "I'm sorry, it obviously bothers you, I don't need to know the reason why."

               Pidge touched her forehead between his shoulder blades, taking a deep breath. "When I was seven, I was home alone while my parents took Matt to his soccer game in a neighboring town. I'm always fine on my own... I walked after school to the bookstore to pick up a few books and it started to rain before I got home. By the time I got there, it was down pouring... the thunder was so loud and intense, I could feel the house shaking. The house shook so hard, that.... one of our bookshelves fell on me."

               Pidge could feel Lance tense. Suddenly he turned to face her, concern washed all over his face. "You got crushed by a bookshelf?"

               "Well, not exactly," she felt Lance relax. "The bookshelf actually got caught on our loveseat, so just the books fell on top of me, but I was seven, so..."

               "That's what did it for you."

               "Yeah... after the thunder finally subsided I somehow got the heavy shelf to stand back up, I cleaned up all the books, and I crawled under my covers and cried..." Pidge closed her eyes, a content sigh escaping her mouth. It felt like a million bricks had been lifted right off her shoulders. "I haven't even told Matt about it..."

               Lance's eyes widened. He flushed, looking down, not sure what to say. "Thank you... for having enough confidence in me to tell me..."

               Pidge smiled a bit, simply nodding before nudging her forehead to his sternum, finally falling into a pleasant sleep before she could even hear another crack of thunder.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys! i got home after 9. so i am six minutes late starting this post. 10:06 i mean.

anyway god dang it! i forgot my dream again. i think i was thinking about math and statistics though. numbers are super hard in dreams though because all the information changes and melts between instants.

i got up at a reasonable time- 7:40. still got out of the shower super late though. i’m not even sure what takes so long! maybe it’s because i brush my teeth and blow dry my hair and everything in that span of time so it’s not just “hopped in the shower at 7:50 and oH GOD IT’S 8:15.”

i tried to have a bigger breakfast than usual- i had a bagel and some bacon i put in the microwave. and a big glass of orange juice. i watched snoopy roll around in a patch of sunlight while i ate. 

then i biked to campus a little late. i was super thankful that the light on the busy road happened to turn green right as i approached. if you miss it it’s a 2-minute wait for the next cycle.

i used my lecture notes today when i started the lab period!!! people started working on their labs while i was talking though and i got a little discouraged. i’ll need to ask for feedback over email i think. maybe it’s still good to lecture so that the people who already know what’s going on can get started while the people who are still a little confused have some basis to start from.

some questions really get me turned around though. i feel kinda stupid when i have to check my notes on the lab to answer a question like “but are the forces REALLY always equal and opposite?” because i think i know an exception but really no i don’t. and then i have to explain why there are no exceptions and i try to draw on some experiences as an undergrad ta but i only remember half-sentences and bits of anecdotes and i have to try to string them together into a coherent explanation that is catered toward intro physics courses.

i’m always exhausted afterward. i really give it everything even though i’m not the best ta.

i got scolded by my supervisor for getting suzanne to help me fix one of the computers when i couldn’t find him. what had happened was, i saw him talking to suzanne out the door earlier since the lab is across from the office. when i needed to find him i checked his office first, didn’t find him, and asked suzanne if she knew where he went. when she said the other side of the building she also offered to take a look because she’d been having a couple computer problems too on monday. 

but a few problems i did fix myself fairly quickly. i don’t mind troubleshooting, but sometimes i have to stand there and process information and i get quiet and kind of stare into space and don’t move and then i feel dumb because i’m not actually thinking using any words. 

maybe those are less “processing” thoughts and more “racing circular” thoughts.

ehhh afterward i went to my lab office hour. one of my students with the computer issues was in there trying to finish. he didn’t though. 

during my office session i received an email from the grad advisor. he said every single first year grad student needed to be at a meeting right now. it was the end of my session anyway so i packed up and went over to the office to see if anyone else had caught the email. 

they were actually all discussing it with an older graduate student. jennica was scrolling through every email she’s received on the student account to try and find any previous information about the meeting. there was none. 

we talked about it for a few minutes before the older grad student went up to talk to him. jennica and harrison and i went to get some lunch and i picked a smoothie up for rebika.

actually that was funny. i asked her what kind she wanted and she said “i don’t know” so i said there were like a hundred and i would have to pick one at random so she better be okay with kale. she said whatever so jennica found an online random number generator.

anyway while we were out we got another email from the grad coordinator. this one was really passive aggressive and sent to the whole department about how no one showed up and the lady making the presentation had “come all the way across campus.”

i said “???” because this was well after the situation had been explained to him. i’m not sure why he was so mean about it when it was his mistake. we had literally never heard about this before and he told us to be there one minute before it started.

eventually suzanne found a reminder for it on her phone. we had to hack it to find out when she had actually set that reminder to give us an idea of where we might have heard about it. 

it was during our “graduate welcome” presentation back in the middle of august. it wasn’t written down anywhere. it had just been mentioned in passing and suzanne made a note of it in her phone because it sounded interesting. not because we knew it was required.

my classmates complained that we’d never gotten any reminders for it but i was more annoyed that we hadn’t received any written notification of the event in the first place.

after that we studied a lot. i talked about some problems, fudged some math on the blackboard, and scribbled some stuff down on the homework problems i’d printed.

harrison has started telling me to “stop talking” whenever i say something depressing. jennica picked up on it pretty fast too. 

during coffee/cookie time at 3:30 ish i was chatting with one of the upper classmen aboutttt star trek i think it was. i’ve never watched it but i know... enough to talk about it i guess. i ended up having a fun discussion with taylor about the boundary between sci fi and fantasy when he said star wars was the superior sci fi story.

i said it was based on how heavily it leaned thematically on hard science and logic to inform its worldbuilding. taylor said it depended on the setting.

anyway i was talking to the guy and i was maybe talking about how i’d burned myself on my tea and also spilled some on my shirt because i’d burned my face and flinched violently. i said “thank you for listening to my problems” and jennica was all “don’t get her started, oh god, unless you want to be depressed.” 

i laughed and said “hey did i ever tell you about the time i broke my ribs?” and that got, i guess, a surprised laugh out of him. jennica gave me a Look. “just kidding, my ribs were too soft to break then,” i said apologetically-but-not-really.

i really relate to that short homestuck comic about dave talking about how his bro would leave him in the ball pit when they went to the store. except the ball pit was a slab of concrete in a dark room.

ok! i said my last prayers for the physics midterm and then at about 5:30 jennica and i played five rounds of love letters, adventure time edition. we were going to 3 wins and it stayed pretty close. i admitted that it’s a lot more active with three players and four gets to be a little too much. she seemed to like it well enough at least.

then at 6:05-ish i dumped all my trail mix in my mouth and turbo biked over to the drc to take my Accommodated Test in their Testing Facility. i almost got hit by a car while i was in the crosswalk. i was crossing at the same time as another bike, but as soon as he was past and i was approaching the end of the road, a driver slammed on the gas and i had to actually for real hard brake. i stared at her as she passed, she made eye contact with me. i don’t know why she did that if she saw me.

guess i’ll just go screw myself.

anyway i got there about fifteen minutes before the test was gonna start. there was trouble with the check-in devices so i was glad i got there early. i had time to get settled and put my stuff away and brush my hair a little bit to get the helmet tangles out.

then i took the test for two and a half hours! i was allotted three, and my classmates had two, so i think i made good use of the extra time and didn’t panic too hard.

i’d felt super sleepy and lethargic all day. the test wasn’t much better. but... i recognized all the problems at least. and i knew how to start all of them. and i had enough time to finish to my satisfaction.

i’m not gonna say i did well on the test. but i did way better than if i hadn’t studied. which is kind of a given, but. i think i tried more study strategies this time and asked for more help and maybe that made a difference. can’t say. i had no particular feeling about it when i looked over my work. i noted where i knew what i was doing and where i’d forgotten something, and where i’d probably made a mistake but had no idea what to do instead, and i really have no idea how i did.

i think biking home right after that though did a lot toward helping me not die of lack of energy. i had to bike up the big hill because of where i was leaving campus. that was ok though, i got up in no time at all! in third gear, even!!!

then i got home, and took out the trash, and devoured an ice cream sandwich, and then made some dinner. and then i sat down at my desk for 20 minutes, did a little e&m homework, sent some emails, and started writing, and then here i am. 

five minutes left. i will try to talk about something good about me. 

i uh... i was gonna talk about something ta-related but i can’t think of anything right now that i actually like about my method haha.

i’ve made a lot of progress this last week toward finding a study strategy that works for me. i know i have to use more than one of the study style fields to really learn material. two is good, three is better, four is overwhelming. i know that i am learning material on the backburner even if i don’t consciously feel like i understand anything because i look at some problems and i’m like “oh! i know what that is!” 

still having trouble remembering relationships between equations. but i think that will get better the more time i spend looking stuff up over and over. like i really Get the yukawa potential and how that one equation basically provides a link between classical mechanics and e&m, and that’s so cool.

tomorrow i’ve got group therapy and it’s SPAGHETTI DAY. AGAIN!!!!!! but i also gotta start studying for that e&m test on friday. i need to figure out how to do that. maybe i will find and talk to adamya since he was helping suzanne the other day. 

ok. it is 10:45. i will stop writing now and meditate for a few minutes and then go to bed. i need to get up a few minutes early to pick up a package. i think it is either the rest of my stuff i’ve been trying to get my parents to send for the last month, or it’s the cat food that i’m glad i ordered when i did and not a day later.

later guys, i hope you are well. drink more water.

[southpoles]

sometimes I’m like uhh am I overexaggerating the “abuse” my parents exercise on us and am I completely unjustified in complaining about them? but then I think about how I have two younger brothers who are drug addicts..because of how neglectful my parents are.....and how they always want to deny any sort of mental support or help for us because they’re immigrants who don’t give a shit about how others feel (they grew up in a country where physical and emotional abuse to ur children and spouse is a norm, so lol to that)

if my brothers are like that because of them, possibly, it’s okay for me to have my stupid breakdowns...that I have to always hide because my parents get angry when I’m upset and frustrated, right. it’s okay for me to feel extremely unsettling feelings that are borderline abusive and bitchy because my family pushes me to my limits,right? go to a therapist you say...but the psychological bounds and shackles I have connected to my parents hands is very very strong. I am trying my best to go to therapy secretly, but I want to use my dads insurance because I’ll get good quality care with that. but eventually the bills will pile up and I’ll get confronted...should I just put that in the backburner of my mind for now instead of worrying about it? why am I so worried about something that needs to be very simple? how come I didn’t want to go to my schools free therapy until now (because I have this newfound confidence to help myself since no one else wants to)

if I was social like my brothers were, I’d probably be using drugs too...I guess...even though I hate the feeling of not being in control of what I’m experiencing in this world...that’s laughable...so, would it be better for me to take pharamaceutical drugs instead? should I even go down that path? I don’t have the money for that though..

my anxiety is soso bad, only recently I’m starting to realize that 🤡 I wouldn’t have made soooo many vent posts in my lifetime if it weren’t. because these words and thoughts are literally only instigated by my anxiety, and not because of something happening. but when something abusive does happen I do go even crazier...

I just want a normal life where people care about me...I swear to god I don’t actually want to move out...my parents are my everything...obviously...you know I have no friends to go to right? I don’t have any relatives here because I’m first gen, do you understand the pain of that? I am not gonna be able to be independent anytime soon, I can’t even drive and I’m 22. I don’t have the psychological power to just /study/ for something ever. I cannot self study for the life of me. why? Is it because I have a learning disability I have been struggling alone with since my childhood??? I hope to god I can find out soon.. I wish I could learn to drive already, but my mom is also too busy to teach me and at least 3 times she has told me the story about how she learned how to drive all by herself because my shitty dad didn’t want to teach her when they first came to america. why is she suggesting something illegal and dangerous for me to do?

and honestly I am always jealous of my brothers. my mom treats their conversations as a joke, yet this speaks to me in a way that she is showing favoritism to their behavior. she’s never gotten angry at them like she gets at me for mishaps, she just jokes about it. why are people around me always trying to get on their good side? even I want to..yet they have such a disgusting layer of self defense against family on them. they are so apathetic and emotionless, and this looks cool to them? and then there’s my dad who can’t ever bond with them which makes him so angry so he starts yelling at my mom about it which pisses me off,but it’s his fault for letting them grow without a caring father. why does my mom not treat them the way she treats me. why does my mom only have conditional love, where she’ll hatemy guts and will want to berate me until I want to kill myself just becauss I don’t want to go to school. she doesn’t understand my pain at all, because she’s completely blinded by her own pain. am I supposed to forgive her because she was abused all her life too? am I supposed to forgive her because she’s not treating me the same way her abusers treat her? but just last night she was talking about my brother so royally just because he’s going to be studying for the night, when I told her about how he was speeding so much when I was in the car with him earlier and how he almost hit a bunch of people. why is she like this? why does she always forgive him? I guess she forgives me too for what I do, since she doesn’t hold her grudges against me for so long, but I feel so horrible about myself when those phases happen because I just want her to be sorry for me for once in her life, instead of always thinking I should be the one saying sorry for her. I just tend to try to be stubborn back at her and don’t say sorry. I can’t trust her anymore, I hate how she used to see me as a friend even though I have been hurting so much inside. is a friend supposed to make it impossible for me to talk about my feelings to them? I have always tried to emotionally comfort her but now I’m giving up. I‘ll hold on to this grudge as long as I can even though it’s not healthy to do so. why am I like this????

and honestly I am very worried about one of my brothers, the other one I can’t really give a shit about because he’s honestly really mean and perhaps abusive too. but my other one, he had to grow up being made fun of for crying. he’d always cry, and seeing him so emotionless and hiding to himself now makes me so upset. I really hope he has friends that care about him. and I know I am like this too. but I wish I could just bond with him, but my other brother is psychologically controlling him..like literally, when that brother is being mean to me he will join and defend him, even though this guy is literally the worst asshole to him. why would you want to protect your abuser? ugh. I wish he could be an indenpendent person.

why do I care about them if I hate them both so much? well..I remind myself of good childhood memories with them. even though we have been emotionally and visibily seperate from eachother for many many years, I wish I could be a good sister to them. insead they see me as a neuoritic bitch that is also pathetic..

[irialexander]

So I’m technically tired, and worn out, and plain down enough to try and type something and see if I can actually post it. Which for anyone who knows me, is a total nightmare, cause I’m not allowed to post about personal things online. But the joke is on me, cause I don’t talk enough to people when I can about crap anyway, so I’m gonna make less stupid me regret this tomorrow. That being said, if for some reason you feel like reblogging this, go ahead, I don’t really care enough, and I won’t tomorrow. Mostly I’m pissed, that I haven't been able to work, that Jim Robbie is so long on hiatus, and that I had to make that post about podcon. The last year has been wonderful and has been hell, and I’m sure eventually I’ll feel better. The medication for the hypothyroidism won’t really work well until three weeks have passed. I just hate being the person that has to put everything I want to do on the backburner because I KEEP RUNNING INTO PROBLEMS. My headshots still have me wearing my pink glasses. I should get new ones but I don’t have the energy. I slept till 8 pm today and I’ll be going to bd at midnight. I’m losing so much fucking time. I have this giant stack of pill bottles, and even though some of them are vitamins they’re mandatory if I don’t want consistent migraines and to feel like an ass at restaurants because I’m wearing sunglasses indoors. And now, until the medicine really kicks in I’m going to be tired, and cranky, and incapable of doing much more than staying in the house.

It’s absurd really. I keep joking with my friends that I’m going to keep trying to denerf myself. Denerf myself from mental illness, denerf myself from photophobia, denerf myself from all of my collection of allergies, and now denerf myself from hypothyroidism. And I don’t think I’ll stop trying, if I could swordfight my problems I would, but now, when I’m exhausted, tired, and stressed I can’t help but wonder if there’s just going to be another lifelong problem round the corner. Am I just going to be trapped in a cycle that’ll just add medication and life restrictions, more schedule, and rigidity, and blood tests? 

I hate having to tell people about the new things, cause I just feel like I have to keep my chin up, and look like the person who can handle everything, who can do everything. I know I complain to people all the time too, about being romantically lonely, about feeling like I don’t know how to communicate with people, about my memory problems, and everything under the sun, but it just feels like a joke half the time. 

It’s almost midnight, and I’m tired again.

[artificialqueens]

Meet in the Middle (Rajila) - Juniper

Summary: Raja worries that she’s getting old. 2.3k of established lesbian Rajila. Part of the “Bleary Eyes” series.

Manila licks her lips as she shuffles into the kitchen, the pervading scent pulling her sleepy body from bed. She hissed as her toes initially touched the cold tile, catching the attention of the girl at the stove.

“Morning,” Raja chuckled, obviously amused by Manila’s disheveled appearance. In the metal of the toaster, she could see her bun hanging on by a thread, eyes half closed.

“I smelled pancakes,” she shrugged.

Raja hummed as she poured more batter into the pan. “You better put socks on, babe. You’re gonna get sick.”

Manila, ever stubborn, huffed as she plopped down at the table. She crossed her legs, pulling her feet underneath.

“It’s not that cold.”

“It’s definitely freezing,” Raja said, reaching for the spatula. “No snow today, though, or so the weatherman said.”

Manila could see out the window above the sink, the chilly air of the morning not accompanied by even the bravest bird. The sky was a light grey, matching the dreary disposition of the leafless trees in the yard of their apartment building. Plenty of people found the dead sight of winter depressing, but it was comforting to her. She readjusted the collar of her flannel pajama top.

“Can you make mine into a snowman?”

Raja barked out a laugh. “I can try. No promises that it won’t be offensively bad.”

Manila pulled the tie from her hair, attempting to scrape it all up into something a bit more acceptable. She couldn’t help the slight twinge of jealousy she felt as she admired Raja’s thick, dark hair, effortlessly cascading down her back. It was always sleek and beautiful, not a frizzy strand or split end in sight.

She hopped up to rustle through the fridge for some juice when her phone started to buzz in her breast pocket.

Swiping her finger across the screen, she was met with a high-pitched wail.

A sigh, then, “Hello? ‘Nila?”

“Hey, sis,” Manila laughed. “The monsters giving you a tough time?”

“Only on days that end in y,” the exhausted voice rang through the line. “Speaking of which, I need to ask you a favor.”

Her eyes narrowed as she shook the carton of orange juice. “What’s up, Rach?”

“So, remember how I got surprised with those Nutcracker tickets a couple of weeks back?”

Manila hummed, as if she didn’t know exactly where her sister was headed with the conversation.

“Well, the show is tonight, and our sitter totally has the flu or something. Even if she could come in, I don’t want her getting the babies sick. It’s too late to cancel, ‘Nila, I already got a new dress and we made reservations-“

“I’ll do it,” Manila interrupted, suppressing the urge to laugh at her frazzled tone. A hefty exhale came through the phone.

“Thank you, thank you! I love you, you’re the best. Can you be here at six?”

“I know I am. See you at six.”

After she hung up, Raja was carefully carrying two plates over to the table. Manila grabbed two clean glasses.

“What was that about?” Raja asked, drizzling syrup over her breakfast. Her girlfriend scooted her chair closer, resting her cheek against Raja’s fleece clad shoulder. Her lengthy body was covered in a gray onesie, not quite reaching her ankles.

“Rachel asked if I could watch the kids tonight,” she groaned, dramatically stuffing a forkful into her mouth.

“That’s fine, we didn’t really have plans anyway. What time does she want us at the house?”

Manila sat up, a brow knit in disapproval.

“You don’t have to come and spend your Saturday wiping noses.”

Raja laughed softly as she filled her glass. “I want to. You know I love your family, why wouldn’t I wanna spend time with your niece and nephew?”

She pressed a kiss to her temple and Manila sighed happily, relaxing into the touch.

“Fine, if you insist. But don’t expect to make it out without watching Moana at least three times.”

–

Manila ran the wand over her bottom lip, watching in wonder as the liquid dried matte, coating her mouth in a deep red. It wasn’t too late in the afternoon, but the winter sun had already begun its’ descent, making the bedroom dark enough to switch on the lights lining the vanity mirror.

The chill managed to creep in through the closed window, but Manila felt toasty in the layers beneath her cable knit sweater. Her ears were tinged the slightest shade of pink, and she debated letting her hair down.

A slew of curses came from the bathroom, and Manila stumbled out of her chair and toward the noise.

“Raj? You okay?”

She was leaning against the cabinet, rubbing her scalp. She was wearing a frown, and it would almost be adorable if Manila wasn’t concerned.

“Yes, I’m fine. Shit,” she grumbled, and her girlfriend noticed a few stray hairs sticking out of her fist.

“What’s this?” She asked, uncurling Raja’s fingers so that the strands lay flat in her palm.

“Nothing,” Raja spat, moving to let them roll into the garbage, but as they fell Manila caught a glimpse of the silvery contrast.

She took a nervous step toward the taller woman, linking their arms. She peered up, a futile attempt in meeting her gaze. Her embarrassed cheeks were red and splotchy, confirming Manila’s suspicions.

“Babe, was that a gray hair?”

Raja tore away, exhaling in annoyance. She started down the hall, Manila shuffling along the carpet behind, trying not to gather electricity in her socks.

“We’re late already, grab your boots.”

“No,” she protested. “I wanna talk about why this makes you so upset, and we’re not leaving until we do.”

In the same instant, both pairs of eyes dart to the keys hanging from the hook on the wall, and make a beeline for them. They shove each other, arms covering eyes, until Raja accidentally bangs her elbow against the wall and is forced to recede. Manila grabs the keys, hurriedly stuffing them in her bra for safe keeping.

“Really?” Raja bemusedly asks, eyebrow raised as she continues to soothe her tingling funny bone.

The Pinay crosses her arms, a stubborn look on her face. Raja rolls her eyes.

“Fine,” she relents. “I’ve been plucking out gray hairs for weeks now, hoping you wouldn’t see. Out of sight, out of mind, right?”

“Raja, it’s just hair. I don’t care what color it is, the way you wear it, how much of it you have. Everyone gets grays eventually.”

“Why does my eventually have to be right now?” She seethes, frustration bubbling to the surface. “I’m don’t want to get old, I just want time to stop. There’s so much I haven’t done yet, and it’s like some kind of clock, incessantly ticking, reminding me that I’m not gonna be young forever. I don’t care how superficial it sounds, I love my hair. It’s part of who I am, and I’m gonna lose-“

She stops when her voice breaks, and clamps her eyes shut. Manila isn’t sure when her hand moves to cover her mouth, but she feels awkward lowering it.

“That what you wanted to hear, Manila? You happy now?” She whispers.

“Of course not,” she mutters meekly. “Raj, listen-“

“Let’s just go, okay? I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.”

Manila retrieves the keys, nodding mutely.

–

The car ride over is mostly silent, save for the radio which is cranked up for an obvious reason. When they pull up, they can see Rachel peeking out of one of the blinds, face washed over by complete relief when she sees them.

The door opens by the time they get to the step, fake smiles on display. Rachel looks lovely, actually finding the time to put on makeup, and do more than just run a brush through her hair. It’s not easy with twin toddlers, Manila knows. Every family dinner, she watches the exhausted look on her sister’s face as she chases them around the house, wiping faces and changing diapers, still managing to be overflowing with care and wisdom. She admires everything about it.

“Kids!” She yells up the stairs. “Tiya ‘Nila and Auntie Raja are here!”

Alex comes running down the stairs, with Isabel riding on her father’s shoulders, full of giggles. Manila’s heart comes back to life when she sees them.

The young girl hops down as her father kneels, and Manila gets tackled by hugs. Raja smiles as she watches the scene, feeling slightly guilty for putting a damper on the day. She sees Rachel struggling to slip on her shoes and secure her earrings at the same time, and moves to help her.

“Do you ever worry about getting old, Rach?” She asks lowly. Manila’s sister stops, looking at her with an indiscernible expression.

“Sometimes, yeah, of course. Things like that go on that backburner once you have kids, though,” she laughed. “When my birthday came last month, I actually had to do the math in the calculator on my phone. I had no idea how old I was turning. I think, so long as you enjoy what you’re doing with your time, that maybe getting old is not so bad.”

Raja thinks about it for a moment.

–

Raja sighs, rubbing her eyes. Her mascara is probably smudged, but she doesn’t care. Her shirt is already covered in multiple stains, and she forgot to bring her lipstick for touchups anyway. It’s just past midnight, and she knows they’re going to get an earful from Rachel about the kids being up way past bedtime.

Isabel is up on her purple step stool, diligently brushing her teeth over the sink. It’s one of the toothbrushes that takes batteries, playing a song from a children’s show that Raja doesn’t recognize.

From the bathroom, she can spot that the door to the twins’ room is cracked open, where Manila is already tucking Alex in. She creeps across, peeking inside.

His side of the room is lit up by the glow of his nightlight, and Manila is kneeling by the side of the bed. Alex is under the blankets, on his side, and Raja thinks she can make out faint sniveling.

“If you leave me alone, the monsters are going to get me. I know it.”

Raja bites her lip. They had all sat in the living room watching Trolls for the first time, stuffing themselves with popcorn. Isabel had taken to it wonderfully, but Raja knew she hadn’t imagined the discomfort in her brother’s eyes every time the terrible “Bergens” appeared.

“Nothing will get you, I promise,” Manila reassured, her sweet voice so calm. More relaxed than Raja had ever heard it. “You can keep the nightlight on, and I’ll be right downstairs. Where’s your koala?”

“Dunno.”

“Dunno? That’s how you treat a gift from me?”

“Kenny’s under the bed,” he whispers, even though they’re technically alone.

Manila reaches underneath, retrieving a stuffed koala. She plays with the ear.

“You don’t like to sleep with Kenny anymore?”

“Not a baby,” he grumbles. “Sister doesn’t.”

“Hey, you don’t have to pretend to not like something just because your sister doesn’t. You can be a big boy and still sleep with Kenny. As a matter of fact, I still sleep with a teddy bear, and I’m, like, way old.”

“Really?”

“Mmhm,” she confirms, peeling down the covers just far enough to give room for the animal. Alex wrapped his arms around it. “And I was scared once, too, but then something helped me to realize that there was nothing to be afraid of.”

Raja can feel herself smiling.

“Just sleep with Kenny tonight and see how you feel. I’m sure he’ll help you feel safe. Then in the morning, Mommy will be back, and you’ll see that there was nothing to be afraid of. Sometimes the things we fear aren’t actually as scary as we may think.”

Raja had a feeling her presence hadn’t gone unnoticed.

–

A few weeks later, Manila is unlocking the door, suppressing a yawn brought on from a long day at the office.

She can hear the shower switch off as she hangs up her purse and keys, and she kicks off her shoes, pushing them underneath the coffee table. They can be a problem for later.

Checking the time on her phone, Manila tells herself that she can squeeze in a power nap before dinner. Otherwise, she’ll be falling asleep into her pasta.

The bathroom door opens as she’s about to pass it, steam rolling out.

Raja’s standing in a towel, combing out her wet hair. She looks happy to see her girlfriend, who gives a dramatic groan before embracing her.

“Long day?” She laughs, the heat still rising off her skin.

“It lasted forever,” Manila whines, letting her eyes slip shut. She’d be content to sleep standing up, so long as Raja was bracing her.

“Poor thing,” she gently mocks, and Manila raises her head to really ham up her pout, when she notices something. “Take a picture, baby. It’ll last longer.”

“Sorry,” she laughs. “I was zoning out. I just…”

The teeth of the comb ran through a chunk of long, dark hair, mixed in with several silvery strands.

“I know, the gray hairs,” Raja sighs. “You were right, I was overreacting. It’s just hair. Maybe I am getting old, and so fucking what? I still have a lot of life to live.  As long as we’re becoming old ladies together, I don’t mind it.”

She pinches her hip, and Manila feels pride.

“Plus, the salt and pepper look is super sexy!” She exclaims, causing Raja to roll her eyes.

“I was trying to create a moment here.”

Manila giggles. “Just make sure you spread those bitches out. Streaks are my thing.”

“I love you, you idiot.”

“I know,” Manila smiles. “I love you, too, grandma.”

She reaches for the mirror, using her finger to draw out a heart on the fogged-up glass.

[inabottlelikelightning]

FANFIC WRITER ASK, GO: 20, 28, 32, 33.

ALRIGHT OKAY THANK YOU FOR THE ASK :)) HERE WE GO

20. What feedback makes you the happiest to hear?

detailed feedback, what people liked, what people didn't. their interpretation of the writing. maybe some future predictions. it's always very cool to have people pick up what i'm putting down haha it makes me feel like i am Truly Doing Something. but honestly, all feedback makes me happy!! it's amazing that someone felt Enough about it to put a !!!!! into words, it really makes me smile

28. Is there a part of [Fanfic Name] you’re surprised no one has picked up on yet?

oh, absolutely!! there's one character in college au who-- [gunshot noises]

(jokes aside, yes, absolutely. there's a... particular character in the college au and no one has quite figured their true motive/feelings on things yet. i don't think most people have looked past the surface. which is alright, because i haven't been implying it that heavily, but the hints are there. we'll get there, don't worry. Not Everything Is As It Seems but everything will make sense eventually.)

32. What story do you think showcases your signature style the most?

most people say college au and i think i have to agree. that's the story i've spent the longest amount of time on recently, and it has all the tropes that i tend toward. but really, anything from the last couple months should show my Signature StyleTM because I think it's sort of... distinct?? if only for the run-on sentences and physical affection and use of italics and whatnot. 

33. Have you ever stopped yourself from writing something? Why?

sure! i really hate how theo's trauma and homelessness is sometimes romanticized, and I felt like some of the ideas for projects I had went much closer to that line than I was comfortable with. not toeing it, but, like. one step away from toeing it. idk whenever his homelessness and/or trauma is used as a device to bring him closer to liam, it just evokes this... visceral kind of discomfort in me.

also the tons of story ideas that I have, and then I look at them, and I'm like "yeah... there's no way this is gonna be less than 70k words" so... This list includes, but is not limited to: time loop study theo, regency au thiam which is a childhood friends to enemies to chaperones to reluctant allies to friends to fake husbands to lovers, jock thiayden, ratatouille au thiam with theo as a food critic who is the Toppest Top to ever Top and liam as the eager-to-please young chef, a canon-compliant social media fic based on the idea that the mccall pack are the equivalent of werewolf royalty, a mob au with theo and the chimera pack as helpful community mafia and liam as the only clean detective in a corrupt precinct, an au where the chimera pack stays intact and they all live together and Cause Chaos while theo is a Tired Alpha and liam Hangs around more than he should, etc. all of these are on the backburner. hopefully at one point i'll work up the bandwidth to write them :))

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Gemini New Moon x Scorpio Full Moon Energetic Message Combo, May 22 2020 (but can be timeless)

In a nutshell: Retrograde season is upon us, and everything that has been pushed in the backburner for so long are now coming up to be acknowledged. With so many planets slowing down, not only will the pandemic aftermaths cause so much havoc and chaos and destruction in systems that no longer work, but the flexibility or resilience of many people will be challenged. To the max. However, this is not an entirely negative thing as these series of events can give the whole world a lot of time not just to look back and reflect, but also to put closure on things that needed to be ended, even if it means diving down into the pain of doing the uncomfortable things. In everything you are doing right now, please know this: It is time to face who we truly are, and be open to accept everything, from the good, the bad, the ugly, and all that exists in between. Only by doing so can we be free to be who we truly are, as the Source beings that have always been deserving and so worthy of love. Hi everyone, how are you all doing? I hope you are all thriving in these interesting times. And by interesting, I mean it's kinda extreme right now. So if you feel like you're being wrung dry and have nothing left, don't worry, it's a mass consciousness thing. Plus we have a lot of retrograde planets such as Venus (love, relationships, and money), Jupiter (travel, expansion, learning, luck), Saturn (reaping the consequences of your actions aka karmic shits, and surprisingly, agriculture), Pluto (secrets, buried things that needed to be released, death and rebirth, changes) and by next month, our favorite retrograding planet Mercury (communications, commerce), and based on what each planet rules, it's going to feel like a white water rafting ride with no paddles, no light, and no boat lol OK I am not here to bring fear, because retrograding planets just send us a message on what we need to review, to relearn, to release, and whatever re-doing needs to happen in our personal lives. Yeah, I have to put a disclaimer here that right now, it is most prudent to put our energies on our own personal stuff. Why? Because at it's core, we can only control ourselves. We can only change our own self. True change is something that happens innately, and even if you thought you initiated a change in someone, unless that someone has imbibed the impact of your action, they won't change for very long. So instead of using up all of your energies and resources on forcing the world to change and then getting frustrated because you can't change the external, why not try putting all of those efforts into your own self? I mean, it's worth trying, if it's for your own good. Try a new perspective, see different viewpoints, put yourself in other peoples’ shoes? Enter into a new realm of infinite possibilities? If it doesn't help shift your mindset or your energies, or at the very least make you feel comfortable for 5 minutes, well, at least you tried. That's an effort that you made for yourself, to move forward even for a bit, and be proud that you did that for yourself. Not everyone is up for that, and you choosing to put efforts on YOU is a wonderful gift for yourself in this bewildering yet energetically funky times. Because change is inevitable, albeit even necessary, and as the law of evolution mildly suggests: evolution does not favor the fittest or the strongest or the largest, but rather the most adaptable ones. Think mammoth versus elephants. Which animal is alive right now, the fluffy or the not fluffy? Of course, as always, I am not saying all of these stuff sitting on a cloud. Oh good glob no. To be honest, I am not immune to this massive energetic shift, and the reason I was unable to make a Scorpio Full Moon post (my apologies) is because I felt like I was dying, literally and figuratively. My entire body ached, it was too humid that I kept getting asthma, and I just couldn't function cognitively because of anxiety attacks, for lack of better terms. It felt like a drugged stupor, I honestly couldn't remember how I even managed to survive that period. And it felt so dense and heavy, I couldn't complete the full moon release ritual until about 3 days after, but I still got to do it so my energies could clear and be a bit more functional. It wasn't fun but I just simply told myself that I needed to learn how to surrender and it's one way to do it. Despite the bombardment of all the things that I ever did wrong, the regrets, the painful memories, literal PTSD flashbacks, yeah if you felt those and you still have them, I feel for you. I have an energetic support photo below to help you fam. So... What can I expect from the coming weeks and months? Well, I am so glad you asked. The next weeks and months can make things interesting, some unexpected events can happen, people, emotions, memories, events can come back to haunt you. You know, fun stuff. Again, before you explode into a huge blabbering, cussing mess, please, please, let this be an invitation for you to grow into your best self. You don't have to go all the way, you can just try it out, be with yourself, ask what needs to be released, reviewed, redone, revisited, realigned, re-examined, or re-accepted, or whatever re-prefixed word you have lol

But really...

I was gonna write that same stuff for the previous Scorpio Full Moon and I thought there's gonna be a new message for this Gemini new moon, but apparently it's the same, and with even greater intensity as well as relevance. Just a discaimer, I don't watch energetic updates from others anymore, so I won't know if what I'm gonna put in here has been said by others. OK,this post is a combo message, and using the energies of Scorpio (with Pluto energies of death and rebirth) as well as Gemini (with Mercurial energies of communication and basic or foundational learnings) this new moon is giving us all a chance to face a figurative form of death and eventual rebirth by communicating with our subconscious, everything that we have buried and forgotten and lost and all that jazz, so that we can be reborn into our true selves, as children of Source, the universe, God, however you call your higher powers. We deserve such recognition, but nobody is going to do that for us but our own selves, so might as well start that journey now. It is a way to show up to the world, the universe, and for ourselves. No pressure to keep ploughing through though, just keep at it in your own pace, at a speed that allows you to move with changes without meeting any form of resistance. Just remember that with each change comes a shift of everything, and let me tell you that you don't have to rush, but rather allow things to settle in, otherwise your body will rebel, and that isn't the most fun. Symptoms can include bellyaches, gas, a lot of coughing or mucus discharges or respiratory unrest (not COVID-19 related), and if you're a lady having that time of the month, extra-bleeding (probably releasing so much stuff from the Sacral center, I know I did), and your muscles or bones failing you at some point. Just maintain proper nutrition, eat what your body needs. Also, really painful memories can also resurface, and if you can transmute them aka cry them out without putting any thinking, like literally just feel them out until the emotional charge passes, please do that too. Please do not, by any means re-stuff them back, the memories with charged emotions just wanted to get acknowledged and be sent back to source, so just allow them to do that. It's ok to express anger, rage, sadness, being petty, etc. as long as you don't project those energies to other people, because involving other people can make things messy, especially if you're asking for forgiveness but because they're unaware and asleep (unlike you who's awake) they will never do that. Believe me. So if you need more energetic support to make things more manageable and less overwhelming, there are lots of energetic healings out there, you can try one or try them all (ahem, ahem lol). Also, while you're at it, please drink a lot of water, stay hydrated especially when you're living at the latitudes near the equator. I was gonna type in more stuff but my flow seems to have halted. No biggie though, because I'm adding an energetically-infused photo here (my photo of shelf fungi gives me a vibe of a solar system lol) to give support to everyone who reads this, across all space and time. Seriously, these are energetically erratic times but you always have a choice on how you'll react. Whatever works for you is perfect for you in this time. 

Anyway, I truly hope this post made sense to you, made a resonance, or simply acknowledged any of the uncomfortable stuff that you have been feeling lately. If you have any questions, please do not hesistate to ask, my asks are always open. You can even ask anon mode. Thank you for reading this very long post, and may you grow into your best self. Wishing you all the best, Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: may_chan_otaku@yahoo.com

Thank you so much and be blessed!

PSS. If you’re interested to get a personal card and energetic reading, for inquires please send an email or an anonymous ask in this page. Thank you! =)