#but i am at the end of september the influence this band has over my life wow

[quarterprioritymidnight]

ok but they kind of did slay with the support acts for bbx tho didn't they lol

[kanmom51]

I’ve read theories that Jimin and JK split up at some point in 2018 as well as mid 2019, late 2019/2020, basing this off certain moments in Run BTS, JM travelling without JK in the summer 2019, the rumours, the behind the scenes of ON and Black Swan and the Grammys in 2020.

I know they have tense moments and to me that makes them real, all couples fight. But do you think there is any truth to just how bad it got that they broke up?

Thanks

Hey love.

I will start by saying this is my opinion I am voicing here. Based on full original content I have watched. Full episodes or clips.

I think that these assumptions or conclusions people came to based on a couple of few seconds moments we see in clips are problematic to say the least.

Let's start with that word - split up or break up. That is a very heavy term. I don't know what your relationship experience is (I just mention this because I don't know if you are single, have had a long term loving relationship, are in one or otherwise), but a long term healthy relationship usually does not include multiple break ups. A break up has a finality to it. Parting ways. Calling quits. Dissolving the relationship or ending it. And taking a step like that again and again and again, well that would take a toll on the relationship itself over time.

Also, breaking up, a love as strong as what we think these two have, it would show. Much more than what people think they see as evidence for such a breakup.

And when I say show, I mean more like what we saw back in September 2016 in what people love to call the Manila fight. The level of distance, clear anger and displeasure with the other, unhappiness that you can see in their expressions when they are not on stage or attempting to be professional, and this not being on one day, one clip, one event alone, but spread over a period of time.

And may I add that this happened pretty much in the relatively early days of their relationship, not 3 or 4 or 5 years in. The longer the relationship, the stronger the relationship, the deeper the relationship, the harder and more painful the break up.

And you see, this is the thing.

Healthy long term relationships aren't like a soap opera. Their real lives are not The bold and the beautiful, getting together 'love of their lives' style, then breaking up, marrying someone else, only to get back together and so forth time after time. Real life isn't like that. A relationship, a healthy one, cannot survive that constant turn on turn off. And it's even harder to turn on turn off in the speed that people are attributing to them. Love is not a switch you can turn on and off. And 2 people that supposedly love each other and basically can't keep their hands off each other moments before or moments after that supposed few second moment that makes people think they are not together anymore, is not realistic to say the very least.

And as far as I can see, their relationship is not a tumultuous one. Quite the opposite (especially once they got over that push and pull in 2015-16).

Now, with saying all that, couples, they argue, they fight, they wake up one morning in a bad mood, they allow external factors to influence their mood and at times their interactions with their loved one. Life happens. And these are a real life couple, even if they are 2 members of BTS, the biggest band in the world.

Not every argument or fight ends in the finality of a break up. Not every time you are mad at your partner or even pissed to the bone at them, do you split up.

As individuals we can have bad days. And that can affect our behaviour even towards those we love. Human interactions is what it is.

So, could we catch them unhappy with each other on camera from time to time?

Of course we can.

Can we see them being passive aggressive with each other? Mad at the other? Just unhappy or mad period (not necessarily at the other but in a bad mood that effects their interactions with anyone and everyone around them)?

Of course we can.

None of that is automatically proves a break up. None of it.

A couple of examples of instances we KNOW that one of them was pissed at the other.

Summer package 2018, the dream catcher necklace drama.

Basically JM pissed at JK not wanting to wear it as a necklace and guess who had that necklace on a second later...

And what about the NJ live 2019? JK pissed that JM and Jin turned off the live just as he got to Jin's room, starting his own live to show us that JM came to ask for forgiveness after being scolded by JK.

Neither relationship ending differences (although that could also depend on the relationship I guess), but examples of 'arguments' or differences they had that we know of because they either happened on camera or they told us of them themselves.

Another time we see them clearly upset at each other is the Gayo song festival Dec 2016. Clearly something going on, but we don't know what.

And here too, only days after the event, all was well between them, JK making his babe laugh while imitating Rainism's dance moves.

Point being, once again - yes they argue, get mad at each other (and 2016 was peak push and pull between the two, laying the grounds for their relationship), but from there to calling quits... nope.

And there would be many other moments we are unaware of. Cause that's just how relationships are. Loving each other doesn't mean agreeing on every single thing. It would many times mean compatibility (for a long term relationship to last), but compatibility doesn't mean being a mould of each other.

Now specifically to the examples you mention:

2018 Jikook were stronger than ever. This is after their Tokyo trip, which they just would not shut up about. You can see them in interviews, in award shows, in other footage from that time (including BV 3 in Malta). I really do not understand where these rumours of a break up at that time are coming from.

Saying that, I am aware that there are those that think that part of the struggles the members were going through in 2018 that almost let to them disbanding also included JM and JK splitting up. I beg to differ. At least from the content we have from 2018 (I don't claim to have inside info going back to 2018 and the status of their relationship). I actually believe that having each other during that time made it easier for them to deal with the hardships (kind of like how JK being by JM's side helped him deal with everything he was going through in 2020, and JM being there, as much as he could under the circumstances, for JK who was struggling early 2023). Throughout the content (official and unofficial) from 2018, start to end, we see how close and utterly in love they are with each other.

See beginning to mid 2018 Jikook interactions in my 2018 timeline.

And things were no different in the second half of the year.

All this happened in 2018:

Could they have had ups and downs?

Of course they could have. All long term relationships have those, even the best of them. But again, split up or broken up? Nope, not in my opinion.

Then we have the 2019 break up claims.

I think that if JK and JM were not together in 2019 during the time the band were on a break that JM wouldn't have made the effort and flown all the way back to see him for his birthday, nor would JK tattoo that J over the M right after that.

I think that JM going on those trips was them allowing each other that time to spend with their friends doing the things they want to do on their time off. That's what you call a healthy relationship btw. Allowing each other to grow as an individual, spend time with your friends, travel cause that's what you love to do, something that we learnt back in 2018 Malta that isn't something that JK really loved to do back in the day - could have changed, as people grow and change, but at the time didn't really interest him (perhaps especially seeing it wouldn't be the two of them alone).

We know from Hobi and JK that it's not like the two (JK and JM) weren't seeing each other or getting together over the break. It's only that JM went travelling and JK didn't.

And btw, these three were basically the only ones that did see each other over the break. If indeed the two broke up, would they be spending that time that they can together and not apart? Choosing to get together when they aren't obliged to do so being part of the band and having to work with each other?

And again, looking at 2019, before and after the break, the two seem stronger than ever. 2019 muster before, for example.

Damn that pic limit, I could go on with these forever.

And right after we had BV4,

And their final Seoul concerts October 2019.

Next you also mentioned the behind scenes of the Black swan MV shoot as an example used to claim that JM and JM were not together at the time.

Another good example to show you how this conclusion making is so ridiculous. They are literally taking one little moment from that MV shoot and creating a whole breakup narrative, all while from the same MV shoot we have the two full on having a flirt fest in front of our salads. Including that whole JM calling I love you to JK and him turning around all giddy-bashful.

SAME MV SHOOT.

Then you mention Grammy's 2020. First I've heard of them being broken up during that period. But let's look at what we have either from same night or the days before and after.

James Corden carpool karaoke January 2020. JM's excitement with JK's vocals and JK's incapable of keeping his eyes off JM.

Grammy's night

That moment there.

And for those that claim it isn't JM JK is looking at, well who's wittle nose is that turned towards JK?

Nope. No broken up couple detected.

I Heart Radio

Someone holding on real tight to his man.

When exactly did they have time to break up, with all the shit that entails with a break up and then get back together like nothing happened, all lovey dovey and hot for each other?

I will tell you when I find these rumours of breakup happen.

They happen when there isn't much group content and the two of them don't volunteer much, such as telling us about them spending time together or interacting on social media with each other (surprise surprise when two people are together that they don't interact on sm, even more so their public accounts). And god forbid they are seen with others out and about instead with each other. That for sure means they are not together anymore. Eye roll. Eye roll. Eye roll.

Bottom line, you're probably saying "about bloody time"...

In my opinion all this talk about multiple break ups (and btw, same people claiming a break up in early 2022 and then 2023) is a whole load of bs. Arguments, no doubt. Bad day, 100%. We all have those. But breaking up or even, if you wish to soften it a little by calling it "taking a break" - nope. I personally do not believe this to be the case.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

hot take: i know it’s fun to speculate all pauls sad songs from the let it be era are somewhat related to john/band breakup, but honestly my take is that something like the long and winding road could lieterally be about jane? like this man wrote countless songs about her, had a long relationship with her, he considered her his best friend, they lived together for some time and were even engaged. like she was his muse for quite sometime, i really doubt it would be a case of “oh well, we’ve broken up the memories are gone!” lol humans don’t work like that. especially people like paul who really holds on to memories. im not saying he wasn’t in love with linda at the time, but his relationship with her was still new and based on how some people have described paul after jane broke it off, he was a wreck, so i can only imagine some of those feelings would pass in songs of heartbreak. like it hadn’t even been a year. i mean paul literally said in his lyrics book about jane “but the memories don’t fade.”

This is interesting. Re: TLAWR specifically, I think my take on that would somewhat depend on when the song was written. It already existed at the start of the Get Back sessions… (though I know you pointed out it doesn't have to be linear, but I still am unsure) I do wonder if the song Let It Be, which was around in September 1968 already, was maybe somewhat related.

BUT, I think there's another point here. I agree "humans don't work like that" but I think that also applies to how they process things happening to them at the same time. The reality is that the band (and John in particular) took a nosedive at the same time as Jane and Paul's relationship ended, so I think these two things were probably not as easily separable to Paul as they may be to us. It all might just combined into A Generally Shitty Period, y'know.

I have very similar feelings on the songs Paul ascribed to his 1965 fight with Jane – I'm Looking Through You, You Won't See Me, We Can Work It Out – the latter two I've seen theorized as being about John (funny how you don't see the most bitter one ascribed to him though), in relation to John and Paul's ongoing conflict over acid at the time. My take here is that it's very possible that both these fights coinciding made the situation worse than the sum of its parts to Paul. Your girlfriend walking out on you is worse if your best friend has been being a dick to you for months, and it might make everything feel more hopeless and desperate, which could ultimately influence the music, at least indirectly.

So I agree with you and I don't fully, because I don't think it has to be an either/or. I also think songs can change their meanings after having been technically fully written – this is a bit how I feel about Two Of Us. And also, I do want to say that sometimes Paul is just writing stuff and it's not that personal lol. Although I don't think The Long And Winding Road is such an example.

[i-eat-mass-blog]

1 album per day for a month: week 1 overview

Hi, yes, hello. It's your messy ass emo boy Waltjoy again with me doing dumbshit. But this dumbshit is not me saying shit about MCR for the 450th, it's me remembering that this is actually a music blog for once.

So basically, I'm very behind on albums that have been released this year. So I challenged myself to listen to albums that has been released in the year of our lord 2024 everyday for a month, and I've just finished my first week.

I planned this thing back in the beginning of this month, what happened? Devastating events. That's what happened. But who cares, lets get into the week overview/wrap up thing.

So our current week seemed to be themed around mostly alt rock with like, one metal album and an indie rock album. But literally most of it is alternative in some kind of way.

Yes, I know Preacher's Daughter did in fact come out in 2022, but I've been itching to listen to it in full and this was gonna be the only time I was able too. So like, lets get into it.

The Cure - Songs of a Lost World

Date Released: November 1

Genre(s): Gothic Rock, Alternative Rock

Date Listened: Nov 10-ish to Nov 11-ish

Holy FUCK!!! The Cure is BACK!!!!! Time to prove how goffik I am or whatever Ebony D'Arkness Dementia Raven Way said.

Okay all jokes aside, its INSANE to me how Robert Smith is still dripping with creativity and talent. Especially after not releasing any new material in over TEN YEARS. Most bands who've been around as long as The Cure typically.....don't make any new stuff and if they do its pretty....... not good. But HOT DAMN, is this thing crazy.

Now, imagine if a portal opened up in front of you and out of that portal comes Robert Smith. Now imagine if Robert Smith proceeded to throw you into the portal and into another world and you're stuck in that world for like, 20 or more years. And all of a sudden the portal reappears and you're sent back right to the moment when Bobbie boy over here threw you into the portal.

That's basically the album. It's ethereal and very other wordly. The boys were COOKING up in this bitch. 10/10

Ethel Cain - Preacher's Daughter

Date Released: May 12, 2022

Genre(s): Dream Pop, Slowcore, Singer-Songwriter

Date Listened: Nov 12

Shout out to that one goth friend of mine who fucking loves Ethel Cain and desperately wanted me to listen to this in full.

Anyways, I'm big fan of Ethel Cain despite the fact it took me until this month to listen to this album in full. The all EPs she released? Yep! The album? Nah, I needed the perfect moment for this big beautiful bitch. And DAMN if she ain't beautiful.

Ms. Ahnedonia is able to mix Dream Pop, Slowcore, and Singer-Songwriter with elements of Post-Rock, Americana, and Ethereal Wave for this unnerving and distrubing album that follows this southern gothic story of a girl whom ultimately ends up dead by the hands of her cannibalistic boyfriend, while also exploring themes of generational trauma, grief, death, love(?), various forms of abuse, and human trafficking. It's like one of those films that people say are really disturbing but as an album.

But the aesthetic, the sound design, basically everything off of this album makes you feel like you're sick on a hot summer's day. But not any kind of sickness: its like a fever that makes you lighthead and delirious and mostly in-and-out concious most of the day, all while its that gross, hot and sticky "so humid that you can cut through the air with a butterknife" kind of hot day.

Aka, this shit is amazing. I can got on about this album 10/10.

julie - my anti-aircraft friend

Date Released: September 13

Genre(s): Shoegaze, Noise Pop, Slacker Rock

Date Listened: Nov 13

Okay so, a little bit Alt Rock history for those who don't know: While Grunge and Shoegaze kinda flattered out of popularity during the 2000s, their were small circles that kinda took influences from both. Shoegaze bands with grunge influences, Grunge bands with shoegaze influences, ya'know. And later in the late 2010s and 2020s, Alternative Rock had a big resurrgence with a lot of Gen Z, including Shoegaze and Grunge. This also caused a revival in both of these specific genres. There have been multiples names to these; nu-gaze for newer shoegaze acts, grungegaze for shoegaze influenced grunge/grunge influenced shoegaze, and even zoomergaze for the more RECENT recent stuff.

And modern shoegaze band julie falls under the 'zoomergaze' word being thrown around. julie as band started getting attention from just their debut single, flutter (i completely recommend btw), alone back in 2020. Which was immediately followed with their EP Variable Bloom, which is only available as limited cassettes they handed out with three already released singles and an untitled track. Which was immediately followed with pushing daisies in 2021.

And this leads us to julie's debut album, which a lot of people have been seeing as a let down. And for me? Well, I'm julie's biggest fucking fanboy so yeah i loved it. I'm a shoegaze slut, i'll enjoy that shit as long as its not objectively garbage. Now, do I think this album is perfect? No! I actually agree with a lot of the criticisms of the album.

Literally my main two (2) complaints about this album is:

it doesn't have the rebellious spirit or weight of shoegaze and even thier previous works

parts of the album feel very same-y and meandering

Like, I legitimately think maybe they should've removed some songs and released this as another EP. But despite that, I think its still a pretty good debut. They're showing room for improvement???? on their FIRST STUDIO ALBUM????? HOW DARE THEY, THOSE SELL OUTS!!!

Okay but fr, despite its problems I love noisey shoegaze its an weak 8/10 for me

Poppy - Negative Spaces

Date Released: Nov 15

Genre(s): Metalcore, Alternative Metal

Date Listened: Nov 15

Poppy has had a very interesting past couple of years post-I Disagree. The EAT EP, which is her best, and Flux back to back in 2021, and then........whatever Zig was in 2023 and now collaborating with Bad Omens and Knocked Loose....crazy ass year for a poppyseed.

After the release of Zig in 2023, which a lot people thought was............. an album. She then returned a year later with Negative Spaces, completely ditching the industrial pop dance stuff she was doing in Zig and going back to the Metalcore/Alternative Metal. And DAMN THIS GIRL IS ANGRYYYYYYYYYY.

The first half of the album is back to back loud in your face, and then the other half starts to dable into other stuff like alternative rock and there's even coldwave song. This album is honestly something you have to experience on your own because even the metalcore tracks vary from Knocked Loose inspired to BMTH inspired stuff.

Basically, 10/10

Linkin Park - From Zero

Date Released: Nov 15

Genre(s): Rap Rock, Alternative Rock

Date Listened: Nov 20

So Linkin Park came back and it was definitely an album! But fr though, Emily Armstrong's vocals do fit but this feels so.....washed? Like there's only three tracks on here I like and two of those are the only ones that really feel like Linkin Park. Besides that, it's just boring and dull honesty. Which is WILD considering we have a couple tracks with Emily screaming her heart out on here.

Listen to Heavy Is The Crown, that's kinda the only one worthing listening to. 4/10

Rachel Chinouriri - What A Devastating Turn of Events

Date Released: May 3

Genre(s): Pop Rock, Indie Rock

Date Listened: Nov 20

Rachel Chinouriri I love you so much omfg. First off, her voice is so pretty???? It's just so soft and gentle??? And this album is so...comforting??? I feels very nostalgic of the 2000s, especially the music from that time. Some of these songs remind me of so many 2000s indie pop and indie rock its insane, and some of the stuff on here reminds me of Paramore's folk tracks like Misguided Ghosts on here too????

This album also seems to deal with a lot of themes about becoming an adult and dealing with tragedies, and BOY as an almost 19 year old still fucked over by the pandemic skip and dealing with life fucking me over DOES THIS ALBUM HIT ME IN THE FEELS SOMETIMES. AND DAMN DOES THIS GIRL KNOW HOW TO MAKE A POP HOOK.

Thank you for the new comfort album Rachel, i love it. 9/10

Fontaines D.C. - Romance

Date Released: August 23

Genre(s): Indie Rock, Post-Punk Revival, Alternative Rock

Date Listened: Nov 20

This album makes me wanna kiss boys

Okay but Fontaines D.C. is a very interesting band to me personally because a band mixing post-punk, indie rock, and gothic rock into a pot??? Hell yeah that shit sound CRAZY. AND MOST OF THEIR STUFF GOES WILD.

And this does too. It'd just a really nice sounding indie rock album all about being in love and shit. It has this vibe I can't really explain that's like, the completely opposite of melancholy. It's like the honeymoon phase of a relationship, just happy good things ya know.

gay ass album in way because of that, 9/10. love it.

okay music gays that's all for this god forsaken first week. will the next week have a theme? who knows! it could start off with tyler's newest album and end with....shi idk me reviewing CR2 after surprise drops it who knows, wild shit always happens this month so stay tuned ig.

[x0401x]

Given Movie: Animate Times Interview

Interviewing Nakazawa Masatomo-san, Eguchi Takuya-san and Asanuma Shintarou-san | What is this “being in love with someone irreplaceable” thing that the three of them talk about?

“I used to think that love was something softer, sweeter, gentler.”

“I like him so, so much that I can’t help myself – I want to stay close to him... but it’s painful.”

There is no mistaking that such bitter and heated love will make your chest tighten in “Given the Movie”, which was finally released on August 22nd (Saturday). The TV anime that aired from July to September 2019 was about the romance of the high school members of the band, Uemoyama Ritsuka and Satou Mafuyu, but this time, the one being depicted is the heartrending love between the adult members, Nakayama Haruki and Kaji Akihiko, plus Murata Ugetsu.

Thus, we have carried out an interview with the voice of Nakayama Haruki, Nakazawa Masatomo-san, the voice of Kaji Akihiko, Eguchi Takuya-san, and the voice of Murata Ugetsu, Asanuma Shintarou-san. What did these three people from the casting feel in regards to this “adult romance” of falling in love with someone irreplaceable...?

The character named Ugetsu, whom he made sure not to play too theatrically.

——Firstly, tell us your impressions when you read the script and the new appeal of the characters.

Voice of Murata Ugetsu, Asanuma Shintarou (henceforth “Asanuma”): Ugetsu didn’t show up much in the TV series, but despite having few appearances, there were key scenes where one could get a glimpse at what kind of person he is.

It’s because Ugetsu is a genius that he’s indifferent to anything other than music and people presume upon him, like, “If this person says so, then I guess it can’t be helped”. Sometimes, although he says harsh things aloud, he actually really appreciates the other person deep down.

The TV anime portrayed him as feeling sympathy towards Mafuyu and having interest in him, but when I read the script of this movie, I sensed that Ugetsu was pulled in even further by Mafuyu’s charm. As Ugetsu met Mafuyu, I feel that, during the parts where he had a frank talk with Mafuyu and spilled onto him the honest feelings that he absolutely could never tell Akihiko, the two geniuses took one more step forward at being drawn to each other.

It’s exactly because they’re similar that a side of Ugetsu that he doesn’t show to other people incidentally ends up coming to light. I felt once again that Mafuyu has a mysterious power, which enables others to be sincere.

——This one is about a painful romance between three people, including Ugetsu, but what was your impression of this work in regards to “Given”?

Asanuma: Ever since the TV series, I felt it was a show that portrayed the most detailed parts of human emotions very sensibly. There’s also the fact that it’s my first time taking part in a BL work, so I thought a lot about how to perform.

——Ugetsu in particular has a delicate heart and spirit unique of a genius, so I believe you must have had to be very cautious in terms of acting.

Asanuma: That’s right. I was very careful not to be too theatrical. It’s exactly because he’s portrayed so sensibly that, if I wound up being too theatrical, this meticulousness might have turned out purposeful.

——Next, Nakazawa-san, please.

Voice of Nakayama Haruki, Nakazawa Masatomo-san (henceforth, “Nakazawa”): In the TV series, the character I played, Haruki, had been thinking, together with Akihiko as the supporters of the high school duo, about what to do for the band to succeed, from a point of view that was different from Akihiko’s. It felt like Akihiko would cause the action to happen by using a detonator and make good things out of it, but in Haruki’s case, he would conduct himself calmly, making sure that everyone would be able to do things as freely as possible.

The dealing methods and ways of thinking unique of these two were present in the TV anime, but I think that after experiencing the live concert of “Fuyu no Hanashi”, everyone in the adult group was influenced by it and a change happened, as Haruki began to feel his own loneliness very keenly. Moreover, he watched Mafuyu, who at first had no idea how to play a guitar at all, blossoming his musical talent and steadily learning the ropes, so he started having a complex about being an extremely ordinary and average person.

The things that were under the surface until then began to appear on his face, and there was a part where one can get a glimpse that Haruki also feels these kinds of things. Until now, Haruki had been doing his best to conceal his feelings for Akihiko so that they wouldn’t show... still, they were clear as day (laughs).

All: (Laugh).

Nakazawa: In that sense, there are also feelings that end up being conveyed without words, and I think this can be said not just for Haruki and Akihiko’s relationship but also Akihiko and Ugetsu’s.

There are things that get conveyed even if you don’t put them into words, and also things that are conveyed for the very first time when you use words. I felt this part of it a lot in the script when I read it.

——Eguchi-san, what did you think when you read the script?

Voice of Kaji Akihiko, Eguchi Takuya (henceforth, “Eguchi”): This is a part of the story where the feelings of the adult members speed up and their hearts start moving, so I myself was looking forward to it as well. When I read the script, of course, I found that there was a big number of lines for each of us.

In Akihiko’s case, you can see parts of himself that weren’t shown in the TV series, so I began from destroying the sculpture of him that the TV anime had cemented. There were the usual monologues and narrations in the script, and at the recordings, I discussed with the direction the balance of up to what point they would be monologues and what point they would be narrations. In that sense, I was able to have all sorts of fun and do all sorts of tricks, so it felt worth it.

——About the point of breaking the sculpture of Akihiko in order to show a new side of him, was there any “fear” in that?

Eguchi: In the end, when I was told that I shouldn’t throw in the things I had thought out, I could only accept it with a “yes” (laughs).

Nakazawa & Asanuma: (Laugh).

Eguchi: But this team drew out the wish to give it a try and made me want to create good things together with them, so I trusted the people around me and managed to take on challenge with a “guess I’ll tackle that one”.

——Was there anything about Akihiko’s appeal that you were able to feel anew?

Eguchi: There were parts where I thought, “He was that compassionate!?”. Akihiko gives off quite the cool vibes, so I was wondering, “Where would the things that move his heart be?”. I thought he just couldn’t take a step forward because he was scared of changing the “now”.

But the movie did the work of making him properly face many things and rethink over something that seems to be his true intentions, so in a way, it put an end to them. A realistic part of him came to light. Until now, we were able to get glimpses of childishness in his adult side, but in the movie, this childishness appears in a realistic manner.

The romance of the adult trio, in which countless types of “like” are mixed up in complicated ways.

——The TV anime portrayed the light romance of the high schoolers, but this movie is about the painful love of the adult trio. Regarding the point of “falling for someone that can’t be replaced”, what did you feel that the adult trio’s romance was?

Eguchi: I think “falling for someone irreplaceable” is the same for any kind of romantic love.

Asanuma: Indeed.

Eguchi: I believe it’s exactly because no one can be replaced that there are things we won’t understand unless we try to face them. I think, if your love was requited and you became lovers, dating each other isn’t the goal and that life is about discussing it with each other so that it will become something certain.

I feel like the adult trio took this decision too. They muster out their true feelings after they start facing each other, but in contrast, it’s exactly because those are their true feelings that they didn’t come out before. There were things about this conflict that I felt empathy for.

Asanuma: There are things you end up realizing through your accumulated experiences precisely because you’re an adult. This is linked, for example, to inferiority complexes and to the feeling of not wanting to get in the other person’s way.

Nakazawa: It’s also something slightly different from kindness.

Asanuma: You might just be scared of what you’ve come to know, but things such as withdrawing yourself due to loving the other person too much aren’t something that you’d even think about when you were a grade schooler (laughs).

Nakazawa: True (laughs).

Asanuma: There are many sorts of “like” out there, which surge in complicated ways.

Nakazawa: I also think that being able to break up properly is one of the final forms of adult love. That not clashing each other’s opinions by going, “I can’t deal with you anymore” and breaking up, but instead putting each other’s circumstances side-by-side and concluding that “it might be better for us not to be together anymore” is a form of love.

I believe that if you arrive to a different answer, such as, “Then, how about we live together this way?” after learning about each other’s situation, that in itself is also adult love. Unlike the kind of romance where you simply convey the feeling of liking someone, the things you have to rethink about in order to realize the thought that “we can’t live together”, which lies beyond being in love with each other, are what adult love is.

Asanuma: Haruki, Akihiko and Ugetsu are called the “adult trio” but they’re not adults at all.

Nakazawa: That’s right. There’s a part of them that finally grows up after the movie.

Asanuma: Additionally, there’s the “unconditional love”, which you don’t learn unless you grow up. Even I, who am in my 40’s, haven’t found my way to an unconditional love yet.

Eguchi: Unconditional love is difficult...

Asanuma: It might be a form of love that won’t happen unless it’s between parent and children or towards pets.

Eguchi: We actually have no idea what our pets are thinking, but we’re like, “I’m taking care of them so I guess that’s okay”.

Nakazawa: We might get really sad if we knew what pets truly think (laughs). Maybe they wouldn’t say anything other than “Food! Food!” (laughs).

Asanuma: If it were just that, it’d still be okay! They might think it would’ve been better if a different family had bought them (laughs).

Eguchi: Ahahahaha.

Nakazawa: That would be so painful~ (laughs). In Akihiko and Ugetsu’s case, supposing there was nothing left undone between them, both of them had music, which might have become the reason why things turned sour, I think. Even when you take the other person’s wellbeing into consideration, you can’t bring yourself to step back at all.

Asanuma: We often hear that “rather than thinking, ‘This person is my inspiration!’, the feeling of being able to respect the person’s essence is more important”, but Akihiko and Ugetsu weren’t doing well at all even though they respect each other.

Eguchi: That’s the difficult part. There might be something like... “the more you respect each other, the worse it gets”.

Asanuma: There’s that too, which is why I think no one can give the correct answer regarding the right way to begin a romantic relationship.

Eguchi: At the end of the day, there are things we can’t say exactly because we are close to the other person, even though we like them. There are also words that people don’t or can’t say when there’s distance between them.

Maybe it would have turned into a different relationship if said words had been conveyed, but... I guess the real deal is when there are words that don’t come out exactly because of that. Thinking this way, I believe that human beings are truly complicated.

Asanuma: We’re indeed complicated, so I’ve decided that I’ll definitely be a dog if I ever reincarnate (laughs).

All: (Laugh).

Asanuma-san, who clads himself in the air of a genius, Nakazawa-san, who is tolerance incarnate, and Eguchi-san, who gives off a sense of security.

——Please tell us what each of you felt through this movie, in terms of acting and whatnot, as part of the cast.

Nakazawa: (Looking at Asanuma-san) He has a silent intensity.

Asanuma: Eh!? I don’t~!

Nakazawa: When he’s playing Ugetsu, he has a sense of presence and I feel a quiet pressure from him.

Eguchi: Asanuma-san is far too skilled at putting on the air of a genius.

Asanuma: It’s just “putting on”, though, right? I can quickly take it off (laughs).

All: (Laugh).

Eguchi: That’s what being a pro is. “The way he clads himself in the air of a genius is genius!” is what I thought. Your splendid push-and-pull acting is just wonderful.

Asanuma: Really!? I have this thing where I try to explain everything with my voice no matter what. Before, in a different recording, the sound director told me, “The animation is already doing the explanations, so you don’t have to try to explain it with your voice so much”.

That’s exactly why I make sure not to be too theatrical with characters such as Ugetsu, for the subtleties of their emotions are extremely detailed, and was all the more conscious of not trying to make it seem special, since this is a love pattern that can be found anywhere.

——In your eyes, Asanuma-san, what is Nakazawa-san’s appeal?

Asanuma: Nakazawa-san is tolerance incarnate.

Nakazawa: Thank you very much (laughs).

Asanuma: This tolerance of his is Haruki entirely.

Eguchi: He gives of a superb mom vibe. Same in the recordings.

——Even in the short time span of this interview, Nakazawa-san has been transmitting an air of calmness.

Eguchi: Nakazawa-san himself is soft, like, you can feel the tolerance from him.

Asanuma: Nakazawa-san might disagree with this, but “looking troubled” suits him.

Nakazawa: I disagree~! (Laughs).

Eguchi: Ahahahaha.

Asanuma: So it feels like there are people around him who want to try and give him trouble (laughs).

Nakazawa: This rings a bell with one person. Someone named Tamaru Atsushi (laughs).

All: (Laugh).

——Then, Haruki is the perfect role for Nakazawa-san!

Nakazawa: That’s right. I myself basically accept any one and any kind of comment.

Asanuma: But you have to let it out every now and then, y’know?

Nakazawa: Yes. I vent every so often.

——From Nakazawa-san’s viewpoint, what is Eguchi-san’s appeal as the voice of Akihiko?

Nakazawa: (Looking at Eguchi-san) He has a fine sharpness.

Asanuma: That’s like the appeal of a beer (laugh).

All: (Laugh).

Nakazawa: His low-pitched voice gives off an imposing impression, but his acting is extremely sharp. There’s a decisive fineness to him as he gives birth to a detonator within Given and tries to set a little fire to anything that seems inflammable. He also firmly takes ahold of the essential points while performing as-is, so it draws out our motivation and gives off a sense of trust.

——Asanuma-san, what about you?

Asanuma: He (Eguchi-san) gives me a sense of security. Ah, not because his body is big, okay?

Eguchi: (Laughs).

Asanuma: He feels like a spiritual bodyguard. “Given” was my first participation in a BL series, but when I was told that “the other party is Eguchi-kun”, I thought, “Ah, it’s going to be okay.”

——Ooh!

Nakazawa: In contrast, I thought, “Is it really okay to be me?” (laughs).

Eguchi: Ahahahaha.

Asanuma: To me, Nakazawa-san is tolerance and Eguchi-kun is security.

[seriouslycromulent]

I've been holding on to this article all week, and I'm glad I finally made the time to read it. It's very enlightening, and speaks to the importance of how "Representation Matters" can be a phrase so easily co-opted by the majority (as per usual), then twisted to serve the status quo.

It's really sad because the cast clearly deserved better. I adored the show, and was happy to name it as one of my favorite binge-watch marathons of the quarantine. I hope to see everyone (especially the Dad and Kimchee) in future projects. But all in all, the final season along with this news feels even more bittersweet.

Here is the article behind the link. The bolded sections are my own emphasis.

-----

‘Kim’s Convenience’ stars decry ‘overtly racist’ storylines, lack of representation

JUNE 7, 2021 2:29 PM PT By CHRISTI CARRASSTAFF WRITER

“Kim’s Convenience” has officially closed up shop, and its stars are opening up about their frustrations with the show’s approach to Korean Canadian representation behind and in front of the camera.

After the hit CBC sitcom debuted its fifth and final season last week on Netflix, actors Simu Liu and Jean Yoon voiced their concerns regarding the series’ “overwhelmingly white” production team, “horsepoop” pay and “overtly racist” storylines, among other alleged grievances.

Based on actor and playwright Ins Choi’s stage production of the same name, “Kim’s Convenience” premiered in 2016 and centered on a Korean Canadian family operating a convenience store in Toronto. In the show, Liu — star of Marvel’s highly anticipated “Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings” — portrayed Yoon’s on-screen son, Jung.

“I’ve heard a lot of speculation surrounding myself — specifically, about how getting a Marvel role meant I was suddenly too ‘Hollywood’ for Canadian TV,” Liu remarked Thursday in a lengthy Facebook post reflecting on the end of the program.

“This could not be further from the truth. I love this show and everything it stood for. I saw firsthand how profoundly it impacted families and brought people together. It’s truly SO RARE for a show today to have such an impact on people, and I wanted very badly to make the schedules work.

After setting the record straight about his career trajectory, Liu expressed disappointment with the way that he and his character were treated as the series progressed.

“I WAS, however, growing increasingly frustrated with the way my character was being portrayed and, somewhat related, was also increasingly frustrated with the way I was being treated,” he said. “It was always my understanding that the lead actors were the stewards of character, and would grow to have more creative insight as the show went on.

“This was not the case on our show, which was doubly confusing because our producers were overwhelmingly white and we were a cast of Asian Canadians who had a plethora of lived experiences to draw from and offer to writers. ... there was deliberately not a lot of leeway given to us.”

Liu also sounded off on “Strays,” the forthcoming spinoff series spotlighting Jung’s work supervisor, Shannon, played by Nicole Power. The offshoot is set to premiere in September on the CBC.

“I love and am proud of Nicole, and I want the show to succeed for her... but I remain resentful of all of the circumstances that led to the one non-Asian character getting her own show,” Liu wrote. “And not that they would ever ask, but I will adamantly refuse to reprise my role in any capacity.”

In addition to creative differences, Liu accused the CBC of purposefully underpaying him and his castmates in comparison to other popular shows such as “Schitt’s Creek,” which boasted “brand-name talent” but received lower ratings than “Kim’s Convenience,” according to Liu.

“For how successful the show actually became, we were paid an absolute horsepoop rate,” he wrote. “The whole process has really opened my eyes to the relationship between those with power and those without. In the beginning, we were no-name actors who had ZERO leverage. So of course we were going to take anything we could. ...

“Basically we were locked in for the foreseeable future at a super-low rate ... But we also never banded together and demanded more — probably because we were told to be grateful to even be there, and because we were so scared to rock the boat. Maybe also because we were too busy infighting to understand that we were deliberately being pitted against each other. Meanwhile, we had to become the de facto mouthpieces for the show (our showrunners were EPICALLY reclusive), working tirelessly to promote it while never truly feeling like we had a seat at its table.”

Shortly after Liu shared his thoughts on social media, a television critic for Canada’s Globe and Mail dismissed his comments as “unfair” and “mean-spirited,” prompting Yoon to defend her costar on Twitter.

While both Liu and Yoon credited Korean Canadian artist Choi with introducing the Kim family to mainstream audiences, they also alleged that his influence over the series was eclipsed by a dearth of Korean representation behind the scenes.

“Your attack on my cast mate @SimuLiu, in the defense of my fellow Korean artist Ins Choi is neither helpful nor merited,” Yoon replied to the Globe and Mail’s rebuke of Liu’s statements. “Mr. Choi wrote the play, I was in [it]. He created the TV show, but his co-creator Mr. Kevin White was the showrunner, and clearly set the parameters.

“This is a FACT that was concealed from us as a cast. It was evident from Mr. Choi’s diminished presence on set, or in response to script questions. Between S4 and S5, this FACT became a crisis, and in S5 we were told Mr. Choi was resuming control of the show.”

The scene partners also addressed the alleged absence of diversity on the “Kim’s Convenience” writing team, which “lacked both East Asian and female representation,” as well as “a pipeline to introduce diverse talents,” according to Liu.

“Aside from Ins, there were no other Korean voices in the room,” Liu wrote. “And personally I do not think he did enough to be a champion for those voices (including ours). When he left (without so much as a goodbye note to the cast), he left no protege, no padawan learner, no Korean talent that could have replaced him.”

“As an Asian Canadian woman, a Korean-Canadian woman w more experience and knowledge of the world of my characters, the lack of Asian female, especially Korean writers in the writers room of Kims made my life VERY DIFFICULT & the experience of working on the show painful,” Yoon tweeted.

Despite trying “so hard” to make himself available as a creative resource, Liu said efforts made by him and others to improve the show from the inside were dismissed. Without adequate input from talent of Korean descent, Yoon added that the show’s authenticity suffered.

“The cast received drafts of all S5 scripts in advance of shooting BECAUSE of Covid, at which time we discovered storylines that were OVERTLY RACIST, and so extremely culturally inaccurate that the cast came together and expressed concerns collectively,” Yoon tweeted.

“My prior experience had taught me that if I just put myself out there enough, people would be naturally inclined to help,” Liu wrote. “And boy was I wrong here. I wasn’t the only one who tried. Many of us in the cast were trained screenwriters with thoughts and ideas that only grew more seasoned with time. But those doors were never opened to us in any meaningful way.”

Representatives for Choi and the CBC did not immediately respond Monday to The Times’ requests for comment.

[gothgovernment]

In Bed With Geo (Louis Tomlinson One Shot)

December 2015

"Hi friends and welcome back to in bed with Geo. As you can see, today I'm in bed by myself. This video has been a long time coming, which makes filming it right now absolutely terrifying..." I trail off with a nervous laugh. "Because I was so nervous, I spent three hours getting ready just to avoid this for as long as possible." I smile into the camera before taking a moment to collect my thoughts.

"As I'm sure you've all heard, One Direction announced their hiatus today. I've known this was coming for a few weeks now and it breaks my heart to see this all come to an end. These guys are the reason I have a career. These guys are some of my best friends. These guys are the reason I'm still here. And I am so proud of them for doing what's right and taking a break now before they all burn out..." I start to tear up. Fuck this video is going to be a rough one to edit.

"So, this is my story of how One Direction, and one member in particular, impacted my life in the best way possible."

September 2011

"Welcome Mr Tanaka," the petite lady at the door said as she let my father and I into the party. It was packed with important looking people wearing their nicest suits and dresses. One Direction signs littered the walls as everyone celebrated the release of the boy bands first single 'What Makes You Beautiful'. My dad is a musician with Syco. He helped write and record the guitar for One Directions upcoming debut album. I've always admired his work and I am so proud of him for helping aspiring musicians to realize their dreams.

Dad turned to me and smiled while throwing his tattooed arm around me, "you look so beautiful tonight, honey." He always knew how to ease my nerves. I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear as I responded with a soft thanks. "I've got to go congratulate the boys, want to come meet them?"

"Of course! I've only been asking you to introduce me since your first session with them," I giggled as Dad stuck his tongue out at me. I quickly grabbed a glass of champagne from a tray a waitress was carrying before following dad in the direction of 5 young lads. As we approached them, beautiful blue eyes locked with mine. I smiled politely at the handsome boy as Dad and I came to a stop in front of the group. He returned the smile and stuck his hand out for me to shake.

"Ahh so you're Geo. Izuki here has not shut up about you! I'm Louis," he said cheekily, giving my dad a playful nudge on the shoulder after our hands parted.

"Oh really? What has he said about me? All good things I assume," I bite back a smile as I see Dad rolling his eyes at us. Dad has told me a lot about the boys, but especially Louis. He seems to think we are destined to be friends.

"Alright, give it a rest," my Dad huffed with a smirk, "Boys!" My dad called to grab the attention of the remaining four band members. "This is my daughter Geo. Geo, this is Zayn, Harry, Liam and Niall." They all took turns shaking my hand with Harry even giving me a hug. "Right well, I'm leaving Geo with you while I go and talk business." Dad quickly turned and walked away, leaving me with these strangers. I watched Dad walk away before slowly turning back to the boys, immediately locking eyes with Louis again.

I spent the next 3 hours being dragged around the party by Louis, being introduced to countless important people. Something about this boys carefree and almost childish nature made me feel instantly attached to him. He is just so unapologetically himself all the time, it's almost contagious.

We had just finished raiding the food table when Louis asked me, "so, Geo... what are your plans for the future? Izuki has mentioned you're an incredible drummer." I should have known my Dad would talk about my drumming. It is, after all, his greatest achievement in me. Instilling me with a passion for music is the reason we are so close to each other. After my mother suddenly passed away, connecting through music has gotten us through our grief.

"Well right now my dream is to work as a drum tech but I also have an idea for a YouTube channel where I interview musicians, in my bed, pyjamas on, and ask them real questions. I want to talk to people about how their lives have influenced their music. How being in the industry impacts them. I want to know about their families, their hopes and dreams. I want to talk to artists like real people. Get to know why they are in this industry and if it's worth it. If the pros outweigh the cons... But that's just a fantasy. I would have no idea where to even start. I mean, the only musicians I really know are my dad and now you." I fiddle with the ring on my middle finger, realizing I just gave a much longer than necessary answer. Louis' silence causes me to look away from my ring and toward him. He is looking at me, mouth agape. His face suddenly splits into a smile which instantly helps to ease my slowly growing anxiety.

"You're a very interesting girl, Geo. Very interesting indeed..." He trails off as he quickly pulls out his phone, texting someone rapidly.

~

It's now close to midnight and Dad has decided to call it a night. As I bid farewell to the boys in the form of hugs, I reach Louis last.

"So..." I made eye contact with the Doncaster boy. "is there any chance I could grab your number? Ya know, in case you ever feel like making that dream a reality?" The cheeky glint in his eye makes me nervous.

"What? You want to come on my imaginary show?" Surely he was just being polite. No way would he actually want to waste his time on an interview that would maybe get 6 views.

"I text the lads about it earlier and we're all on board. It sounds like a brilliant idea. I fully believe in you, love." Okay wow, this feels like a dream. THE X Factor boy band One Direction want to be interviewed by me?

"If you're trying to make me swoon, you've achieved your goal," I giggle, pulling my phone out of my purse and handing it to him. When he returns my phone I see that he had text himself 'sup u sexy fuck'. I burst out laughing before giving him a long hug, whispering a goodbye in his ear.

December 2015

"I met One Direction in 2011 at the single launch for 'What Makes You Beautiful'. My dad was the guitarist for all of the recording and writing of Up All Night. All the boys instantly accepted me into their lives. Especially my now best friend Louis Tomlinson. After talking to Lou about wanting to start this channel, he immediately encouraged me and we set up the first ever 'In Bed With... One Direction'. That video gained 400,000 views within six months and affectively created my career. My whole life as I know it is owed to Lou. If it wasn't for his complete and utter faith in me, I don't think I would be here today." I start to cry, reminiscing on beautiful memories. I take a sip of my tea and think for a moment. I really wish L was here right now, but I know we would both be blubbering messes. I need to do this alone. For once, I need to do something without relying on him.

"Since my first interview with One Direction my channel has blown up. It has afforded me this house, my friends, the opportunity to meet some of my biggest idols and most importantly it has moulded me into the strong and powerful woman I am today. So I want to take this opportunity to thank you boys. Louis, Harry, Zayn, Niall and Liam. I love each of you more than I can put into words."

My phone buzzes beside me and I pick it up. 'Big Louser' sent me a text.

baby g, you okay? youve

not text me in a week :(

I sighed as I put the phone back down. I should have known he'd pick up on me semi-ghosting him. I have been so nervous around him ever since he and Eleanor split up about 9 months ago. It's like, I finally have my chance to tell him how I feel but I am so scared of losing the best part of my life. That's why, when he called me about a month ago to say the band had finally come to the conclusion of going on an extended break, I knew I had to make this video. So that the world can know and remember how important Louis and the rest of the lads are. And so that Lou can finally know how I feel. I pick my phone back up, knowing I should reply.

I'm sorry L. I promise

I'll make it up to you.

I'm filming a new video

right now that will be up

later tonight. I'll send

you the link when it's up!

Love you x

I turn my phone onto do not disturb and return my focus to the camera. "I want to talk a little bit about each of the boys from a friends perspective. Firstly, I would like to talk about Zayn. Z, you are one of the gentlest, kindest people I have ever met. You have dealt with so much during and after your time with the band. The constant racist and Islamophobic tweets and comments really wore you down a lot more than you'd let on. But Z, you would always rise above them, knowing that your culture made you into the incredible person you are today." I pause, hesitant about what I am going to say next. I would hate to overstep any boundaries here.

Choosing my words carefully, I continue. "Leaving the band must have been the toughest decision anyone could make. I remember you texting me about two months after you left to ask if I thought you'd made the right choice leaving behind your friends, your brothers. Your concern wasn't about if this would affect your future career, it was if it affected your friends. That's the epitome of the Zayn I love." I knew I would edit in a few videos I have of Z and I over the years throughout this mini speech.

I have a video of Zayn and I napping together on the couch in the green room before their show in Sydney in February of this year. He'd been really anxious about the first show of the tour and the nerves wore him out. We were originally sat together, talking about how huge this tour was going to be when he drifted off to sleep with me in his arms. I soon followed after and we napped for two hours before he was woken up to get his hair done. Who would have known that just a few weeks later he would crumble under the pressure and quit. I wish I noticed the warning signs.

"Liam 'good game' Payne, where do I begin? You are my brother, my teammate, my friend. You have always been my favourite person to play Fifa with. I remember a week after my Dad died, I heard the doorbell ring and when I opened it, you were standing there with a dozen of my favourite red velvet cupcakes and your PS4 controller. We played together in silence for hours. Once I was finally ready to talk, you stayed awake with me until 6am, sharing stories about my Dad, our lives and talking about our futures. I will always cherish you, no matter how frustrating you can be." Again, I know exactly what videos to edit in of Liam and I. One of them is him, wearing a crop top and skirt voguing after I did a full glam makeup look on him. He's going to hate me for posting it.

"Haz. My love. My guiding star. I would be a complete disaster without you. Although you are the worlds worst replier and you never answer when I call, you always seem to text me or show up at my house right when I feel like I'm falling apart. It's like the universe has linked you to me. You're my crisis line, and I am yours. I cannot even begin to count all the nights we have lied on the couch together just crying. Happy crying, sad crying, angry crying... It would almost have to be as many nights that we have spent laughing together. H, you were destined to be a rockstar. I can't think of any other job you could be more suited to. I know this is just the beginning for you, and I honestly can't wait to see you grow." I still cannot believe that my baby H is only 21 yet has achieved more than most people do in their entire lifetime. "I love you almost as much as I love apple pie." I am full on crying now. That last sentence really broke me. He and I have an inside joke that nothing in this world is better than a homemade apple pie. We would often text each other about incredible/rare/unique moments and rate them on an apple pie scale.

"Horan. I don't really have much I can say here because 90% of our conversations are inside jokes but I will say this; you have changed my life in such a unique way. I know we've had our differences, but I wouldn't change any of it. You're the one person who can make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in. You are such a light to this world. Without you in this band, I think the boys would've collapsed under the pressure a long time ago. Without you, this industry would've swallowed up every bit of joy they have. You have kept all of us sane with your stupid, loud laughter and irritatingly optimistic attitude. Please never, ever change for anyone you precious wanker." I know that I might seem a bit harsh towards Niall, but this is how we speak to each other. We've always been way too honest and, at times, cynical with only each other. He truly is one of a kind. Niall and I haven't shared as many moments together as I have with the other boys, but the moments we've had are definitely special.

"And last but certainly not least, Louis 'dumb fuck' Tomlinson. I don't even know if I can put into words how you have changed my life. You are my favourite person in this entire universe. Without you, there's a good chance I wouldn't be alive today. You are the reason I have so much self-worth, confidence and happiness within myself. You have single-handedly gotten me through some of my deepest depressions. I can't imagine my life without you. I've been trying to think about what story best represents how you're truly an incredible friend. I decided that although everything you do is a testament to how amazing you are, I would tell the one that made me cry the most.

"The year was 2013, I was 20 years old and I experienced my first heartbreak. My girlfriend of 2 years cheated on me with multiple people. I called you up, crying so hard I couldn't form a sentence. You sat patiently on the phone with me for an hour, never knowing what was wrong, just waiting for me to calm down. When I finally just hung up because I couldn't string two words together you text me that you love me. Six hours later and you walked into my bedroom, pulled me into your arms and laid with me for two days. You flew home early from your press tour without any idea of what was wrong with me. You just knew I was upset and you pushed everything aside to be there for me. When I finally told you what had happened, you hugged me tighter, looked me in the eyes and said, "you are the most perfect person in the world and you deserve to be with someone who recognises that." I think it was then that I realised that I'm completely and utterly in love with you. But you were with Eleanor, whom I adore still to this day. I would never have wanted to ruin what you two had. Because all I've ever wanted since I met you is for you to be happy. And El always made you happy." A sob escapes my mouth as I think of how broken hearted I have felt over the last few years, knowing that my true love would never be mine.

I decide to talk some time to cool down, so I walk to my kitchen to make another cup of tea. While I wait for the jug to boil, I rub my finger over my tiny teacup tattoo. Lou and I got matching tattoos not long after the boys finished recording 'Little Things'. He showed me the song and I fell in love with his verse, so we went out that afternoon and got our tattoos together, his shout. I walk back into the bedroom, press record on the camera again and get comfortable.

"When you called me up crying because you and Eleanor split up, I came straight over and returned the favour. I lived at your house for a week, doing anything I could to make you happy again. And then you went back on tour, and I returned home, and I've never felt so alone. After that week of us spending every second of every day together I realised that you're my soulmate. There's no one I want to be around more than you. And I know you're going to be so mad that I'm posting this video instead of texting you back but I want the whole world to know that you are perfect."

I finished the video with a few happier stories about my time with the boys, then wrapped it up. This was going to be an emotional afternoon.

~

Pressing public on that video was strange. I almost felt numb after all the emotions I had poured out while filming and editing it. I immediately text the link to all 5 boys and went to have a shower. The video was about 20 minutes long so I expected their responses would be a little while away. What I didn't expect was to walk out of the shower and into my bedroom to see Louis sitting on the end of my bed, tears streaming down his face.

We made eye contact once he realized I had entered the room. Frozen in my spot, Louis took the initiative of standing up and walking towards me. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" His voice broke as he spoke, tears threatening to spill. I tried to form words but I was too scared of the impending rejection. "Geo. We're best friends. Why didn't you talk to me? I thought that... I..." His words trailed off as the tears streamed down his face. He looked down at his feet, he always gets embarrassed when he cries. I gently grab his right hand, causing him to make eye contact again.

"I am so, so, so sorry Lou. I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I guess I thought saying it indirectly would make this easier but it's so much harder than I ever could have imagined." I look away from his bloodshot, blue eyes and focus on my hand in his. "I'm in love with you. I think I always have been... And I'm sorry that this will make our friendship weird now. I don't expect you to ever want to talk to me again to be honest."

"How fucking dare you think that. If you think I could live without you, you're insane." Louis swiftly pulled me towards him with his free hand, kissing me with all the love he could possibly give.

[neverheardnothing]

The Black Suits song ranking

Happy (late) Black Suits Day (eighteenth of September) y'all! Not that anyone asked but I have decided on my personal Black Suits song ranking. As always, I am very correct with my Joe Iconis music takes and will accept no criticism. Also I'm talking about 2013 here. Love yourself (and the work) and listen to 2013 instead of 2012 for better audio quality and a tighter book.

Spirit Song - I don't think anyone is surprised this is my top ranked song lol. "A melody only exists when someone hears, and the number one thing that I've learned through all my years. The fans and the family make the music strong, and the cheering is just as important as the song!" As Will describes it, it's a love letter to audiences (hey, that's me!) and when I listen to this song I'm always reminded of how much Joe believes in the message of this song, that the audience is part of the show.

Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang - [Joe Iconis voice] the language of the show. A lot of this list was influenced by not only how much I liked the song but by how well the songs functioned as extensions/expansions of the scene and the believability of that character singing the song. To me Bangx5 is one of the ultimate examples of this. The lyrics "there's a heavy metal hole where a soul used to be" like that's SO teenage angst and overdramatic just like Chris is supposed to be in this moment. I remember when I first heard the song I was like "is that it? Simple repeated [I am ___] lyrics for your act 1 finale? Seems a bit underwhelming even if it musically goes hard" but then after like another listen through of the show or so I realized that was the intention. When you're seventeen or so and you feel like your world is crashing down around you, sometimes the only way you can articulate it is "I am white boy rage, I am in a cage, I am bang bang bang bang bang bang bang." You are bang, you are loud crashing noises, your emotions are too loud and intense to be described with your limited vocabulary but you try anyways and fail. I love the contrast of the lyrics "I am chew my pens" and "I am hurt my friends" right next to each other. And the harmony at the end? Chefs fucking kiss.

Amphibian - This song is so goddamn fun. Like honestly. That’s it. Nato is chilling by himself and makes up a song about himself and his frog and it’s the best goddamn time in the show. You really get the feeling like these characters are actually friends. I love the “idiot” Nato vs “smart” Brandon. The “who cares about Beethoven. It’s a movie about a dog” joke never fails to make me laugh. When Brandon is expecting a regular bridge to the song and Nato whips out the falsetto and he goes “oh my God” like. Peak comedy here. And also Will Roland doing That? I’m in awe. Like this is what The Black Suits (the band) is, friends hanging out and having fun with music, that makes the next scene when the band formally break up so sad.

It's All Good - “So we’re cool and whatever?” It’s such a teenage boy thing to say. Like you want to acknowledge that you guys have been through something but at the same time you want to undercut it so you don’t run the risk of seeming too openly emotional. I’m also only very slightly bitter about that review that was like “oh wait so the only stakes of this show is the battle of the bands?” Like hello? Did you not see the show or listen to a single second of the finale? It’s about the way these characters communicate in their kinda inadequate ways and how they use music to express themselves. In a way it’s classic, cliche musical theater 101, with the characters unable to say what they feel with plain English so they resort to music, but of course with a Joe Iconis twist. The stakes aren’t the fucking battle of the band, it’s the friendship between the boys. It’s literally so obvious I want to scream. Anyways this song is fantastic way to end the show.

Car Ride To Long Beach - That's right. Car Ride To Long Beach is 5th place. I'm only very slightly bitter about the review that was like "is fried chicken REALLY the deciding factor in going on a drug run?" And by slightly bitter I mean this person goes on the list of people I want to beat up for being so fucking wrong about a Joe show. No, you fucking fool, that's not actually the deciding factor. She's at least on the fence, if not already secretly decided yes, about it from the moment he asks. It's about the company, it's about the road trip, it's about breaking the rules after having been "good" for so long. I am so adamant that this song is about desire and thrill and guilt and wanting to be seen for who you are and not just John saying obscene things. Like take the dialogue exchange right before she finally vocally says yes. "What do I look like right now?" "Uh. You look like... Lisa?" "... Alright let's go." Like tell me that does not drive you fucking crazy after Lisa's constant questions about others perception of her and trying to figure out who she is herself. Car Ride To Long Beach is good you guys are just mean.

Social Worker - Another example of an incredibly fitting character song. The refusal and reluctance of a teenage boy to admit that he actually needs or gets mental health help. I love the music-ification of a panic attack as loud drums and electric guitar. "I don't really go to the social worker," he says, as he goes to the social worker. It’s truly hilariously, heartbreakingly fitting for his character.

The Answer - When that Things To Ruin reviewer said Joe is a master of putting commonly shared moments to music no one else has done before, they were right. Who HASN’T taken a test and failed it so utterly they started questioning their entire life and worried for their future before? I love the repeated lyric questions like John is sitting there reading the question over and over trying to figure out what the answer is. I love the synthy keyboard. Fantastic choice @ Charlie Rosen.

Band-Aids and Cigarettes - Oh this song is so good I feel guilty about putting it at 8. It’s like honestly heartbreaking, not being able to give what the other person needs and being aware of it. And the unconventionality of it being sung by the mentor character instead of a love interest or something.

The Feeling (Part 1 and 2) - Yeah I’m combining them into one song and also assuming the entire beach/Chris & Mrs. Werring conversation is part of the song, too, with the interlude of the “I just want something good to happens.” This song is a jam, plain and simple. I love the absolutely terrible advice that Mrs. Werring gives Chris. “You got to push all your worries inside of yourself, and then they’ll mix creating a combustible boom.” Awful! But Annie Golden sings it so well. And it makes Band-Aids and Cigarettes later that much more sad. In part 2, I love how interconnected the two conversations are. “Just breathe them in -> I love the beach.” The synchronous “I don’t even remember why I liked him/her in the first place.” The score here having the Spirit Song melody. Also now feels like a good time to bring up my Lisa Bred is nonbinary headcanon (though it’s practically textual canon) with “I’m not a girl, I’m a song.” Like that right there, she literally states she’s not a girl, and that’s just the most obvious part. Twice before now, she’s asked people about how they perceive her (“what do I look like right now?” “my girlfriend?” / “Lisa”) and her arc in this show up to this point is discovering more about herself and trying new things. She’s aware of societal gender norms (“isn’t that what boyfriend girlfriends are supposed to do?”) and how she doesn’t really fit in with them. She’s experimenting with expressing herself (dyeing her hair blue, photography). Like it’s all right there. I don’t know if Joe was intentionally writing a nonbinary character figuring herself out but that’s what I get when I read the text straight. In Lisa’s mind, John is one of the gateways to trying new things (“you give me this feeling”) and then that blends right into the rest of The Feeling and it’s so fucking GOOD. I love this song.

Blue Hair - The OG Joe Iconis viral song! I love the music song of this song so much, specifically the guitar/piano riff. I love the multiple sources of motivation of doing it, from actually wanting to try something different, to getting a reaction from Chris and John, even if she denies that last part. And then again at the end of the song with her self-awareness. She’s doing something to stand out/express herself! I love it.

Nato's Song - A six minute clusterfuck of a song and it’s beautiful. Sticking to the actual Nato stuff right now, I think it’s a pretty clever way of passing time and seeing how it’s affecting him and everyone else in the show. With the interspersed content of other characters, it really is the musical equivalent of a film montage. I love seeing Chris’ further breakdown in the form of voicemails to his dad. The music of Blue Hair, Old Records, and Rather Be coming back is fucking great. Everyone is just struggling in this song and it’s great.

Rock 'N Roll Band (Reprise) - I love this re-introduction song so much and the differences between it and the original. I love the chaoticness of the solos all going at the same time. I love the cut Geek Rock Garage King still making in into the show as Brandon’s bridge and how out of place it is with the rest of the song musically but yet it’s still in it. I love the a capella break with Mrs. Werring cheering them on.

Old Records - The fact that John plays the guitar as Chris sings it for someone to hear is so good. When he gets affirmation that John likes the song, he continues. And it’s only after being called out about his writing revealing things about him that Chris feels bad about the song again and claims that they were just dummy lyrics. Once John leaves the backing music comes back on like glockenspiel or something and I love the lightness of it combined with the electric guitar that comes in after.

Black Suit On - I know we’re at like 3/4ths through but I honestly love this song. I love all the songs so much. This ranking honestly barely matters because I love all the songs in this show. I love the (unrealistic) idea of finally being able to be your best self, of all your problems going away, if only something symbolic but ultimately inconsequential thing were to happen. It’s about the (shared) vision for a different future than the one you’re currently living! (By the way I am so haunted by Jen Tepper saying this song was actually about LIHN. Like does anyone know what that means? Do I fundamentally misunderstand this song or LIHN? I don’t get the connection.)

Lisa - Once again, the relatability. Who hasn’t felt like they were good enough for another person? I love the specificity of the AOL verse. It’s so late 2000s. And the rest of the lyrics are so angsty and overdramatic as John is. Specifically in the context of the show this song really hurts after Lisa tells him she can’t fix whatever issues are wrong with him.

Rock 'N Roll Band - I love how the entire song is so what teenagers going through school, waiting for life to change, and seeking refuge in the only place where they feel like they are important and can be themselves. I love all their intros. I love Brandon going way too hard on the drums. “I’m gonna scream and shout, knock you out. I’m gonna conquer the world, get the girl. I’m gonna get some respect, finally connect. When I take a stand, with my rock ‘n roll band.” The extreme vividness of the type of stuck they feel here is so good and it’s a good summary of the show.

Pop Tarts - I love that this song is still called Pop Tarts despite all references to it having been removed except for one dialogue. I love the section of Chris’ vision for the band. The pre-reprise of the beginning of It’s All Good with “we’re cool and whatever?” and all of them joining in and getting on the same page. We love some boys just absolutely barely capable of communicating with each other with words.

Song In My Head/Only Person In The World - The absolute irony and poetry of John singing “I’m the only person in the world” and Chris singing about how everyone is gone when this is a duet. It’s literally so fucking good. When they both sing “I’m the only person in the world” at the same time? Are you kidding me? And this song is ranked 18th? Truly every song in this show is top tier.

Rather Be - This song is rather on the nose in its message, everyone would rather be at band rehearsal. It’s a solid song that helps us get into each of their characters more (“rather be where my buddies / now the same bands / and tolerate my drum fills” / “where my brothas like that I’m weird / and ask to see my squid impression” / “because we’ve only got a little while to get fantastic and get some style / if we do it soon then I won’t have to go to college” / “christ I’d rather be anywhere / but sitting trapped here taking this asshole test”). I love it when characters in shows all have different reasons for singing the same lines.

McFly Is Looking For A Drummer - Rip to this song, being ranked last. It’s not that I don’t like it because I actually do. Again, I just love all the songs in this show. He’s trying to communicate in his own way, which happens to be in music references, but that’s not how other people around him understand, and so he sees this opportunity to be with people who are more like him, but then he he gets scared that he wouldn’t fit in the way he hopes he would, which would be even worse than where he’s currently at where he knows that they don’t quite get him but are his friends anyways. I love that one moment where he drops out singing. It’s very reminiscent of in Michael In The Bathroom when you expect him to sing the title words but he doesn’t, so your brain fills it in for you. It functions a bit differently than that moment does in BMC though. I think in this song it’s the comparison of how he’s currently treated with the possibility of what McFly represents, that he could have the exact opposite experience there, that he’s imagining all the possibilities in that moment. Lol, ranked 20 and I still have so many things to say about this song.

[docsnotes]

Views on Cancel Culture, Woke-ness, Political Correctness & Other Related Issues From The Perspective of an Irrelevant Nobody: Why People Think it Helps & Why it Does Not. By Bradley “Holliday” Rozier I had hoped this first post would be a lot more light-hearted, but after an article and the related tweets I read yesterday, I had to write and share this. So, it is roughly November 2017, I decided to join Greenpeace because I felt it would be a great way to put my mind and anxiety to good use.  Through the connections I made, I ended up with some really good friends and some people who I thought would be a positive asset to my growth and recovery, but ended up not being so.  However, we will get to THAT part later.  First I want to say, generally speaking, I am against most everything the “Woke” movement is against, I simply feel that, tactically speaking, it could and should be handled differently.I was born September 9, 1984 at 10 something PM at what was then “University of Florida Medical Center”, but is now called “UF Health Shands” (Named so after William Augustine Shands, fun fact, W. Shands was not a Doctor, but a politician)  on 8th street in Jacksonville, Florida.  I grew up in culturally and ethnically diverse neighborhood on the northside of town called “Highlands” (named so because it is at a slightly higher elevation than most of the rest of the city) as well as various other places (my biological mother moved, A LOT) so, from an early age, I was presented a multitude of other cultures and backgrounds to embrace and learn from.  The most important factor in this point is my Grandmother, Geraldine Rozier, and my Aunt, Donna Ogle.  Both of whom drilled two very important lessons. Love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:31) Treat others as you want to be treated. (‎Matthew 7:12) Now, as many of you know, I have particular disdain for organized religion, as more often than not I see it bring out the worst in people, if you doubt my words, wait for the next thing I post.  Yet, even I can find value in these teachings.  These teachings also come into play with the topic at hand and I feel that this was a necessary preface for what may come out as being exceptionally harsh.  I need you to understand: this is all coming from a place of love and compassion, though I understand how this may be hard to believe as this is my first blog post. This morning, as I drank my coffee and smoked my first cigarette of the day, I was reading a Revolver article about Glenn Danzig (who is easily one of my favorite musicians).  The article was basically him talking about how punk rock could have never have happened in today’s sociopolitical climate. It received A LOT of hate, but the simple fact is, he was right.  Think about this: The Ramones, New York Dolls, The Clash and The Sex Pistols all put out songs that were offencive to some people, however, that was kind of the point.  In 1976 the Ramones put out their self titled debut, on this album was a song called “Beat on The Brat” the 6 repeated lines from this song involve beating some annoying kid with a baseball bat.  On the 1973 self titled New York Dolls debut there is a track called “Looking For A Kiss” which is about pressuring someone to be intimate with the singer.  The Clash, in 1977,again with the self titled debut, has a song called “Protex Blue” which is a song shaming a girl for not being “wholesome” enough.  Finally, The Sex Pistols, who’s name alone may be enough to get them cancelled these days, finally straying from the “self titled” trend with their 1977 debut album “Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols” had a song called “God Save the Queen” which was about anything except saving the Queen.  In today’s world, these bands would have been stopped dead in their tracks and with them, almost 50 years of other artists. Which brings me to what led me to start this and with it, I hope, a dialogue.

The reason people THINK that cancel culture, woke-ness and political correctness works is because it makes THEM feel warm and fuzzy inside.  They got to “stand up” for the “little guy”.  The reality is these people do this for themselves and that is what I am going to illustrate in the next part. The first point I want to make, which I almost didn’t because I didn’t want to seem nationalist, is the Freedom of Speech.  Now, this is often something people mention when trying to explain how “America is the greatest nation on earth.” However, this is not strictly an American right, Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (United Nations General Assembly Resolution 217A - 10DEC1948 Code-A/RES/3/217A) which was voted for by 48 Nations, and 8 nations abstained1 states that Freedom of Expression as a fundamental human right.  So, I say this with the full certainty that it is absolutely imperative that ALL people should be allowed to express themselves.

My second point, it is insanely important that we teach ourselves that reality is sometimes offensive.  The world does not walk on eggshells and people will be insensitive, it is a simple fact.  Preparing our children (and ourselves) for this fact is a quintessential part of life.  Now, it would be great if everyone was nice and perfectly well mannered all the time.  If you prepare your children for a flat tire you should prepare them for hurt feelings, conversely, it is also a useful tool in teaching children how they should behave by showing them how they should not act.  Using a negative to teach a positive can be a very effective method.  

Third, let’s talk about being “woke” which will bring us back to one of the people I met through my Greenpeace affiliation who was a negative influence on my life. I have no desire to smear this person, so I will simply refer to her by her initials D.H. I met her at a coffee shop where we met to discuss racism in general, but, primarily in Jacksonville. Our introduction was uneventful, but informative for me.  Over the next few months, we would communicate multiple times and meet up at multiple events. At one point she would call me “one of the most ‘woke’ white guys she ever met” which, at the time, I took as a great compliment.  As time would pass we would start to disagree on certain things, mostly things of basic morality. The final straw was when a mutual “friend” of ours decided that it was morally acceptable to lie to someone who was going through a catastrophic period in her life. She made a comment that I completely agreed with in the general context, however in this exact situation it was incorrect.  She said “He didn’t owe her anything”, which is correct, except for the fact that he broke a promise.  I was raised that if you give your word, you honor it. So, yes, he owed her his word, if not,at least an answer as to why he broke it (which was all she wanted). I mention this to say the biggest problem/misconception with ”woke culture” and it is simply this: Being “woke” does not make you a good person.  I also would like to point out that being “woke” 75% of the time does not undo the 25% that you are an asshole.In conclusion, the idea that “wokeness” and Cancel Culture will fix the problems of our society is absolute garbage.  I feel that the only way we can actually fix things is with a dialogue, not by simply throwing people out when they say things that we don’t agree with. Alienation is not fixing anything, in fact, I would argue that it makes things worse.  It is better to extend a hand than slam a door. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to read this, I hope to see you next time.

1- For (48) - Afghanistan, Argentina, Australia, Belgium, Bolivia, Brazil, Burma, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Ethiopia, France, Greece, Guatemala, Haiti, Iceland, India, Iran, Iraq, Lebanon, Liberia, Luxembourg, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Norway, Pakistan, Panama, Paraguay, Peru, Philippines, Siam, Sweden, Syria, Turkey, United Kingdom, United States, Uruguay and Venezuela.

Against (0) - Zero

Abstained (8) - Byelorussian SSR, Czechoslovakia, Poland, Saudi Arabia, Ukrainian SSR, South Africa, Soviet Union and Yugoslavia ( artwork is by marisa deroma @marisa_deroma on instagram)

[nopperabounet]

In celebration of a lovely drummer, on his birthday~!

May he get his wish, and continue to astound us for years to come!

~♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ~

音楽と人- PHY vol.15 February 2020 Personal Interview with Yagami Toll Text by Kanemitsu Hirofumi Translation by Lola

 The year has closed with "THE DAY IN QUESTION".  The final performance was a first at Yoyogi National Stadium, so how did you find that?

Shall I speak plainly? I haven't screwed up like that in a long time. Even I was surprised at myself. Like, "Woah! I'm so nervous!" *smiles*

Because it was your first time playing there?

Yeah. It being the first time, and I felt super pressured by the seat arrangement.

Those who are furthest back are rather far from the stage aren't they?

I could barely even see those in the back. I was worried about the acoustics too given the oblong shape of the hall. But you know Acchan's voice sounded great. I know because I had the ear monitor, right.  Usually I always have the sound balanced the same way but, this time I had them reduce the vocals for me. Once they did that I kept thinking, "Oh, wow~ what perfect pitch."

Regarding the choice of songs, what sort of image were you going for?

I picked "Aku no Hana" and "Jonathan Jet Coaster" this time. I wanted to do songs with this fast sort of tempo while I can *smiles*.

You mean as a drummer?

Yes. Because I wanted to check if I could, so I put them on the list, practiced them, and was like looks like I can still manage these I guess. But when I look at old footage of "Aku no Hana" the tempo was super fast you know, even though we never used clicks back then. [1]

Now clicks are always used no matter the song, right.

The only song I don't use it for is "Speed". I seem to recall Imai feeling uncomfortable with the fact that I play it so perfectly. Like with the concluding outro[2] of "Aku no Hana" too, if I match the clicks too well it ends up sounding off.  So at the very end, I just take my cue from listening to Imai instead. We've come to have each other's body language completely ingrained from the old days you know.

I see. It was a great live though.

It was. Even if I screwed up *smiles*.

And yet at the after party you were the one in the best mood *smiles*.

I don't really remember though. I think I drank until like 10 am the next morning *smiles*. Because I had all this adrenalin after the live, and once it was over I could get it all out, and just ended up acting like an idiot I'm sure. Because on top of it being the end of a live, it was also the end of the year right *smiles*.

What sort of year was 2019 for you?

We didn't do too many lives but, for one reason or another I was constantly practicing. There was also my solo, and recording after September, so it's not like I had much time to be idle. Which I'm glad for.

Because as a drummer it's bad if you don't continually stay in form right.

Yeah. I even talked about this in our autobiography, how in the old days, there was this period of inactivity due to being on house arrest because there were so many paparazzi we couldn't leave the house, and I went half a year without being able to play the drums which really made me become bad at it. Maybe if you're incredibly gifted then you'll be fine without practicing but, for a mediocre drummer like me it's not like that, I have to keep at it. So I begged for help. Now my drumming style has changed because I was taught by Kamiryō-kun (Kamiryō Wataru).

You weren't held back by your pride then, as a sempai humbling himself before his kouhai asking to be taught?[3]

Not at all. Because asking is one moment of embarrassment, but not asking would have meant a lifetime of shame. It's like how Bunta-kun from TOTALFAT can play 9 note tuplets, and even though he's like thirty years younger than me, I asked him to teach me how on the Vdrum[4]. I watched him so intently *smiles*. When I'm absorbed like that it's because I want to take it all in you know.

That's because you have a great drive to work hard isn't it.

I think we're all like that. Even space aliens like Imai *smiles*.

Ha ha ha ha. So what did you think about your new song "Datenshi" when you first heard it?

When I first heard the demo, I thought it sounded incredibly European you know. Because of the simple beat. But as I kept listening, I realized it was kinda off.

The bass is different than usual, like the beat placement is left out at times.

I thinks it's such an interesting approach isn't it? But if you don't have a flair for that sort of hollow feeling then it can turn out terribly. And yet it's something Imai ends up able to do all the time. Like with the demo of "Datenshi" I thought once again, "I knew it, this guy's no ordinary man." Like the song is hollow and yet it strikes with such impact.

That sort of beat is super fresh too isn't it.

It makes me happy as a drummer. I had a rough time with "Luna Park". Because it's dainty so I used my 1910 era snare. Made with real leather to boot.

Yours is vintage isn't it?

I used it in the past for "Tight Rope", and during one take I tore it. That's the thing when you use real leather, it can tear so easily. So when I used it this time I was nervous and careful with it *smiles*.

Did you think Imai-san was doing something new with "Datenshi"?

I mean, when I first got Imai's demo I didn't really get why it sounded European-ish right *smiles*. Then Acchan sings, and it's like oh I get it now, that's why it's like that, that's pretty good.

I see.

It's a good balance. We also recorded three songs, there's "Datenshi", and then another really nice medium tempo song, and then "Luna Park." Which is good because it's one of Hide's songs. Because even with age my kouhai are never stubborn or bumping heads either.  I'm guessing it was the same even when Hide and Imai were classmates. Even their personalities, they've never been egotistical.

You're right. I mean it's what makes them so well cut-out for being in a band making music together.

It's why no matter what kind of song they do, you can say it's BUCK-TICK, and that's because we've come to do things honestly, and without conceit. I don't think it'd work between us otherwise.

Why do you personally think that you are able to keep doing things without being conceited, Yagami-san?

Because they won't let me *smiles*. If I start bragging they smack me!

If you let your nose get too high they're liable to break it *smiles*.

There've been times when I felt I was on the brink too you know. But that was during a time when I was in a slump, and I was worried about how everyone else was feeling, that they had to put up with me, that they had to support me, and when you're feeling like that, there's no way you can brag about it you know. I was going through a terrible period, I had all these things going on in my private life, and it damaged me a lot, mentally speaking. Like I had no strength left, and I felt terrible emotionally, so I think I was having a rather hard time living with myself back then.

The band wasn't a positive thing for you during that time then.

It was not, no. I wasn't motivated, and I was even completely unsatisfied with how I was playing to the point where I thought the band would be better off without me. It's why I was scared of going on stage from my early to mid forties, for real. I was truly terrified.

You're talking about during "Mona Lisa OVERDRIVE"?

Yes. Those were harsh times you know. I told myself that now was a good time to quit. Yuuta and our manager would have none of that though *smiles*, so that's when I started going to the gym, my form changed, and I even changed the kind of sticks I use, I tried out a variety of things. Stuff that I could do in my twenties and thirties I couldn't do anymore the moment I hit forty. I thought it must be an unlucky year for me *smiles*.

But you were able to recover.

Yeah. Because even though I felt like I must be such a terrible person, the other members were there for me, and so bit by bit those wicked thoughts of mine went away. Maybe with age too right. I don't grumble about it anymore because I've already come so close to quitting once *smiles*.

Now that you mention it, it feels like you have gotten way more calm during your drum solos as well.

Yes. I think it shows if you can look back at old footage, like in the past I didn't play the cymbal with my bare hands you know. But because John Bonham (of Led Zeppelin) had done it I thought it might be tacky if I did it too. But since I liked it, I dared to do it. If I think about what's influenced me, there's been a lot of things you know, so I started to think it's actually better when I can showcase that. Because that's what I want to see if I'm a spectator, not all my weird hang ups. So yeah, that's how I came to have my current drumming style. It's hard to end something without ever showing that.

It appears to be the same for the rest of the band as well, the five of you are aware of the end approaching as you do things, and I feel like it's that bond between you that continues to make you stronger.

That's what happens when you become old men together *smiles*. Like my father died at 70 so when I think about that, and how I'll be turning 58 this year, it's like I've only got twelve years left after that. When I think about the time I have left like that, it makes each live, every time I'm recording, and each and every moment I have that much more precious so rather than sweat the small stuff, I wonder what would be better for me to do for the band, what should I be showing others, and what should I be doing to make others happy, because I've come realize that's the only way to be.

It's the same for Sakurai-san, although his way of grasping it was a little different, he spoke to me about aging as well.

I think it's the same for all of us, so like if even one of us can't do this anymore, then we can't continue.

Not to be too relieved, but I did think of Led Zeppelin.

It's because BUCK-TICK is not a business you know *smiles*. Like Zeppelin put out "Coda" as a farewell album because it was something they could do even with someone missing.

I see.

That's the thing about being in a rock band right, you've got people with differences in skill. To put it clearly, we're the ultimate amateurs. But it's this nuance that means that should even one of us be eclipsed then we can't put out more. Just look at how Imai plays guitar, like where in the world would you ever find anyone else like that?

You're right, there's no one else like him *smiles*.

So it is often said, right? Even though Imai-san as a guitarist has been prolific, do you know why I call him a genius? To me, it's because he's unique. It's because no one else can imitate him, and the individuality he possesses.

You're right, there's really no one else alive with that kind of quirkiness.

There's plenty of people in this world who can keep time properly and play with a metronome. But how many are like, what even is time? *smiles* That's BUCK-TICK's groove though. We talked about this in the beginning right?  How like with "Speed" and "Aku no Hana" there's this certain nuance that without Imai, without the kind of band member he is we wouldn't be able to create these things. I understand this now. It makes me so glad I didn't leave *smiles*.

Please, for my sake, tell that to the many bandsmen who are worrying *smiles*.

It is absolutely prohibited to leave this band! *smiles* And to think it's all because originally it was a punk band that got all these amazing guys together. So if we keep on going, it is because of who we are as individuals!

That's the power of persuasion *smiles*.

But I think that applies to anything, not just being in a band. It'd suck otherwise as a way of thinking.

Speaking of theories, now you guys offer a subscription service on YouTube so that people can listen to you on there, and you have snippets of song intros, but without the guitar solos, I wonder if it'll work in gaining popularity.

Even if that's true, maybe it will work to gain popularity so, wouldn't it be interesting to at least try it out?

Right.

I guess it's like they say, where there's a will there's a way so no matter what you do in life there's a mix of motivation and inferiority complex, and I think it's all about who you work with. That's how it is for us anyway. The five of us wanted to do this together but during our debut days we were utterly disparaged. And even though I thought things might be pointless, the other members were there for me you know. It's thanks to them that I'm able to be humble as well, and why I haven't become conceited.

Right. When I heard the tribute album, I felt that played a part in it because with other types of bands that sort of thing doesn't show.

Honestly, I just wanted them all to crush it. At first, I was just grateful for their participation but, when it comes to what I wanted, it was for them to crush it because I wanted to make them not worry about how much they respected us you know. So that's what I advised them. Otherwise it's like old karaoke right, there's no drive in it you know. Because it would be like a studio musician playing the drums. When I hear a song with that kind of nuance, it sounds like a complete rip-off to me *smiles*.

That is in part due to your being humble. And it makes the difference in why you will not be denied.

But it's also because of how we do things too, like isn't it also because we've come to study and learn? I thought it's because BUCK-TICK's way of making music has changed in style, because of course if we couldn't be transformative then it'd be bad right. At least that's what I think as the drummer.

As for you Yagami-san, what sorts of things would you like to do with BUCK-TICK from here, and where would you like to go with them do you think?

I'd like to be a feisty old grandpa.

A feisty old grandpa *smiles*.

And to be admired by the youngins *smiles*. I want them to see me and be like, damn he's old but he's incredible!

In order for that to happen you need to put your health first.

Yeah, no, lately I haven't being going for check-ups *smiles*.

Go, please!

But I haven't even had symptoms of anything! *smiles* Well, 'cept my drinking till 10am.

And that is hardly a problem.

Gotcha *smiles*.

     [1]To use a click in music is to use a digital metronome to help musicians keep time with the tempo.

[2] The concluding section of a piece of music.

[3] Sempai and kouhai are terms that mean upper classman and lower classman respectively. A little bit like senior and junior in English, but the nuance is not quite the same. The dynamic between older and younger students varies greatly in high schools across the globe, but in Japan it is a relationship of respect and a sort of admiration in the way a kouhai would normally look up to their sempai. It's virtually unthinkable for a sempai to ask a kouhai for advice, which makes Toll's request a profoundly significant one in Japanese culture.

[4] Used for electronic percussion.

[harrisonarchive]

George Harrison, Friar Park, circa 1990; photo by Terry O'Neill.

George's jukebox at Kinfauns has been explored by the Harrison Archive (and is available as a playlist here), thanks in large part to an article about it, published in the Record Mirror's 1 January 1966 issue.

George's jukeboxes at Friar Park, however, are a little more obscure. The following playlist of songs featured on the jukeboxes and mentioned in some way from 1970 onward is an approximate one only, based on doing some digging into print interviews, audio interviews, and written pieces by family and friends. (The tracks include information previously posted on the Harrison Archive. For - hopefully - easier navigation, I've also bolded the artists -- and tracks known for certain to have been either on the jukeboxes or George's favorites.)

"Stardust" (instrumental) - Hoagy Carmichael "Our son, Dhani, and I, like George’s friends, were spoiled by his rich and loving presence: from the morning wake-up call, which could have been (depending on our location and mood) a morning raga, a Vedic chant, a Mozart concerto, Cab Calloway’s ‘Bugle Call Rag,’ or Hoagy’s earliest instrument version of ‘Stardust'..." - Olivia Harrison [read more]

"Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)" - The Four Tops "Rescue Me" - Fontella Bass

These tracks receive shoutouts in George's "This Song" (and the Four Tops were Sixties favorites, too, appearing on his Kinfauns jukebox).

"Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea" - Cab Calloway Clearly a favorite by one of his favorite artists, covered by George for Jools Holland's TV show, and also released on his posthumous album Brainwashed.

"When I'm Cleaning Windows" - George Formby "September In The Rain" - Dinah Washington "Dizzy Fingers" - Zez Confrey

George was a member of the George Formby Society (and attended conventions with Olivia and Dhani), and became friends with another attendee, Ray Bernard, who recalled the latter two of the above songs as some of George's favorites. (The Beatles also covered "September In The Rain" for their Decca audition; I'm not sure if George preferred Dinah Washington's version to any other, but its release year is closest to when the Fabs covered it, hence the inclusion on the playlist.)

"A Shine On Your Shoes" - Fred Astaire

Covered by George in a home video shared by the Harrison Family in the Guitar Collection app and the deluxe limited edition of Living In The Material World (and, on 1 February 2020, by Olivia on her Instagram, where she explained that George was playing a Danny Ferrington Keoki ukulele).

"True Love" - Bing Crosby & Grace Kelly

George covered this song as well, for his 1976 album Thirty-Three & 1/3. As Olivia recalled on Dark Horse Radion in 2018: "We'd been watching ‪Bing Crosby‬ and Grace Kelly, watching that movie ['High Society'], and they do a duet, and just that little harmony thing they do, because she wasn’t known as really a singer; he’d play and then we'd sing it." [read more]

"Roll Over Beethoven" - Chuck Berry

A longtime favorite, George covered this with The Beatles, during his 1991 Japan tour, and during his 1992 Natural Law Party concert, where it became the last song he played live onstage at a concert in his lifetime. As George said, "there hasn’t been any rock & roll better than that." [read more]

"Hong Kong Blues" - Hoagy Carmichael

Hoagy Carmichael was a favorite of George's, and he covered this song for his 1981 album Somewhere In England.

"Barnacle Bill the Sailor" - Hoagy Carmichael

A favorite, associated with George by Dhani, and mentioned by Olivia. "He would go up at parties to the DJ and say, ‘I’ve got something really amazing.’ ‘Cause he was who he was, they would listen to him, and then everyone would just be bummed out, it would clear the dance floor. And then he’d come back later - ‘I’ve got something else’ - and he’d put it on again. You know, he would just do this until the DJ was like [exasperated]." - Dhani Harrison, la minute rock, Rolling Stone France, 28 Nov 2017 [read more]

"Midnight Special" - Leadbelly "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" - Hank Williams "The Great Pretender" - The Platters "Words Of Love" - Buddy Holly

The songs themselves might not be George's favorites or jukebox selections -- as yet, I haven't found any mention of actual song titles, so these are just personal choices -- but the artist were mentioned by George and Olivia; and "Words Of Love" was obviously a favorite, having been covered by The Beatles, and, according to Mark Lewisohn's Complete Beatles Chronicle research, initially having been sung by George and John.

"The Ying Tong Song" - The Goons "I'm Walking Backwards For Christmas" - The Goons

Both these tracks were mentioned by Olivia as having been on the Friar Park jukeboxes in December 1974.

"The Lumberjack Song" - Monty Python "Spam Song" - Monty Python "Layla" - Eric Clapton

These tracks were mentioned by Eric Idle as having been on George's jukeboxes at Friar Park. "The Lumberjack Song" was of course also performed at the Concert for George.

"Heartbreak Hotel" - Elvis Presley

Eric Idle also recalled early Elvis being on the jukeboxes; and of course, George named the song as his first musical root.

"Blue Suede Shoes" - Carl Perkins "The Bells of Rhymney" - The Byrds

These two Perkins and Byrds songs were mentioned as favorite songs by George in the March 1997 issue of Guitar World.

"Mauna Loa" - Gabby Pahinui

Another artist loved by George, although again, this track choice is just a haphazard personal one, since there doesn't seem to be any public mention of which of Pahinui's songs were George's preferred ones.

"Ooo Baby Baby" - The Miracles "I'll Try Something New" - The Miracles

George absolutely loved The Miracles, and Smokey Robinson specifically, collecting their records, and writing songs in honor of Smokey ("Ooh Baby (You Know That I Love You) -- a nod to the first of the two Miracles tracks listed here -- on the 1975 album Extra Texture, and "Pure Smokey" on the 1976 album Thirty-Three & 1/3). As Olivia has recalled: "We used to sit around singing a lot of Smokey Robinson songs. That kind of sealed our relationship, I think. [George] said, 'You're the only person I've ever known who sang the high note at the end of "I'll Try Something New."'"

“Back On The Chain Gang” - The Pretenders “Brothers In Arms” - Dire Straits “Cold Day In Hell” - Gary Moore

The three tracks by The Pretenders, Dire Straits and Gary Moore were mentioned as favorites by George in the March 1997 issue of Guitar World.

"Long Tall Sally" - Little Richard

George was a Little Richard all his life, as various comments over the years show.

"Tandoori Chicken" - Ronnie Spector "I Am Missing You" - Lakshmi Shankar "Rebel Music" (live) - Bob Marley & The Wailers

Put down on tape during the "Try Some, Buy Some" sessions, "Tandoori Chicken" was an improvised song, as George recalled: "a 12-bar thing done on the spot with Mal our roadie and Joe the chauffeur." For Dark Horse Records, and featuring Lakshmi Shankar, one of [George's] favorite singers," another song for this playlist is "I Am Missing You." The Marley track was chosen from the setlist of the three 1975 Roxy show attended by George and Olivia, recalled by George as "the best thing I've seen in ten years. [...] I could watch The Wailers all night."

"The Rain Song" - Led Zeppelin "Don't Talk (Put Your Head On My Shoulder)" - The Beach Boys

"The Rain Song" was written in response to a comment made by George, and subsequently made it on one of the two jukeboxes. The Beach Boys song was on the jukeboxes, and -- like "The Rain Song" -- played at the wedding of Dhani and Sola, as reported by Vogue in 2012.

"Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours" - Stevie Wonder "Telephone Line" - Electric Light Orchestra "Come On In My Kitchen" - Robert Johnson "When The Levee Breaks" - Memphis Minnie

All four of these artists were mentioned as favorites by George in a 1976 interview. (The titles are arbitrary choices, since the interviewer didn't ask George for any further details. However, Johnson's "Come On In My Kitchen" was covered by George and band during rehearsals for the Concert for Bangladesh.)

"Maria Elena" - Ry Cooder "Concert in B (live in 1963) - Andrés Segovia

Two artists mentioned frequently by George as being favorites (Segovia first in 1963 -- hence the choice of a live piece from that year -- and up through the 1990s). The Cooder track was specifically mentioned by Olivia in the June 2018 issue of Songlines.

"Piano Concert No. 21" - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Olivia mentioned a Mozart concerto as being something George would play in the mornings as they were starting the day, so this is another random choice of a concerto.

"The Weight" - The Band

The atmosphere of the song inspired the Harrisong "All Things Must Pass," as George recalled in 1987 -- he also named it as a song he admired in that same interview. In a 1974 interview with Capital Radio, George deemed The Band "the best band I've ever seen."

"Farther On Down The Road (You Will Accompany Me)" - Jesse Ed Davis

A Harrisong was given to Jesse by George, and recorded by Jesse before it was released by George himself (but since "Sue Me, Sue You Blues," the song in question, is already on a collaborations playlist....); this Davis selection (written by Jesse and Taj Mahal) was covered live by George and Eric Clapton in December 1978.

"Isn't It A Pity" (cover) - Nina Simone "Backwater Blues" - Big Bill Broonzy "Changes" - Bix 'n' Bing

Nina Simone's cover of the Harrisong "Isn't It A Pity" in turn influenced the mood of another Harrisong; and Dhani recalled listening to Simone, Big Bill Broonzy (who is name-checked in the Harrisong "Wreck Of The Hesperus") and Bix 'n' Bing together with his dad (these tracks are once more personal choices).

"April Kisses" - Eddie Lang

The first song on this playlist, "Stardust," was "one of [George's] favorite songs," as Olivia has recalled; she also named Eddie Lang (though she didn't mention a specific title).

"Kalimankou Denkou" - Le Mystere des voix bulgares

George enthused about this Bulgarian choir in numerous interviews, and introduced this particular song during his interview on Rockline in February 1988.

"Taxes On The Farmer Feeds Us All" - Ry Cooder

"Later, after a lasagna dinner in his ornately paneled kitchen with his wife Olivia, their son Dhani (just home from his school year at Brown University in the States), and Olivia’s sister, Linda, Harrison takes his visitor upstairs to his Friar Park Studio. Picking up a nearby National dobro from the vast array of vintage guitars hanging from the walls, Harrison slips a glass bottleneck on his finger as he seats himself to strum 'The Farmer Is The Man Who Feeds Us All,' the traditional tune of 1860s America made famous in the 1920s by Fiddlin’ John Carson and later popularized on Ry Cooder’s 1971 'Into The Purple Valley” album as 'Taxes On The Farmer Feeds Us All.' 'That’s where I first heard the tune,”'says Harrison of Cooder’s interpretation, before he begins to sing: 'The farmer is the man, the farmer is the man/Buys on credit until the fall/Then they take him by the hand/And they lead him from his land/And the merchant he’s the man who gets it all.'" (Billboard, 19 Jun 1999)

"God's Own Drunk" - Lord Buckley

This particular Buckley piece was mentioned by George in a 1979 radio interview promoting his eponymous album, and the song "If You Believe": "Pray, give up, and it all recedes away from you. I don’t know if you… you must have heard Lord Buckley, you know, well, there is a thing he did called 'God’s Own Drunk.' I think it was that. Anyway, it was one of Lord Buckley’s things and he was talking about love. He said: 'Love is like a beautiful garden, you know, when you use it it spreads, but when you don’t -- it recedes.' And it’s true. It’s really that in its simplest form." [read more]

"Free Fallin'" - Tom Petty

As Dhani has said, he can remember "getting advance copies sent to my dad from Tom. He’d be like, 'You want to hear Tom’s new stuff?' And it would be the first time anyone’s heard 'Free Fallin'." (Premier Guitar, Jan 2018)

"Let It Be Me" - The Everly Brothers

Covered by George in a demo version after seeing the Everly Brothers in concert (George's cover appears on Early Takes Vol. 1).

"Clair de Lune" (cover) - Isao Tomita

One of George's favorites, as Olivia has recalled.

"México Lindo y Querido" - Jorge Negrete

Negrete was mentioned as a favorite by George, and Olivia recalled Negrete being on George's jukebox.

"Bugle Call Rag" - Cab Calloway

Recalled by Olivia in her introduction for Harrison, and as George's school wakeup call for Dhani.

"Cool River" - Maria Muldaur "Fear Of Flying" - Charlie Dore

Two more specific songs mentioned or covered by George.

"Sweet Leilani" - Bing Crosby

Mentioned as a favorite of George's by Tom Petty, and by Olivia.

"Every Grain Of Sand" - Bob Dylan

Named as one of George's favorite songs in his June 1999 Billboard interview: "I mean, you tell me one person other than Bob Dylan who has a moral message in a tune that's improved upon Bob's words in his song 'Every Grain of Sand.'"

"Kaliyuga Varadan" & "Ragam Tanam Pallavi" & "Gajavadhana" - U. Srinivas

One of George's favorite artists, as he, Dhani and Olivia have recalled; these three particular tracks were singled out by Olivia in the June 2018 issue of Songlines.

"Raga - Manj Khamaj" - Ravi Shankar "Guru Bandana (Prayer)" - Ali Akbar Khan "Abhogi" - Hariprasad Chaurasia "Kafi Holi (Spring Festival Of Color)" - Ravi Shankar "Enna Thavam" - Papanasam Sivan "Thumri - Mishra Tilang Raga - Addha Taal" - Sultan Khan "You And Me" - Zakir Hussain "Raga Chayya Nat" - Kala Ramnath

The eight selections above are mentioned by Olivia in the June 2018 issue of Songlines.

“México” - Mariachi Sol de Mexico

In 1998, George commissioned José Hernández - founder of Mariachi Sol de México - to translate and arrange the Harrisong "Dark Sweet Lady" in Spanish, as a special version for Olivia. While that recording is understandably a private one, mariachi music seems to have been a favorite of the Harrison family and the Arias family, as it's mentioned as having been played at family events held in California. And: "Last year I brought over a mariachi orchestra [Mariachi Sol de México] and we had a private concert at Friar Park because I got tired of waiting 30 years for someone else to do it. It was my way to let my friends experience that music – which was what George was always trying to do. He wanted people to understand and be moved by the music that he loved." - Olivia Harrison, Songlines, Jun 2018

"Last Thoughts On Woody Guthrie" - Bob Dylan "Bhoop Ghara" - Hariprasad Chaurasia, Shivkumar Sharma, Brij Bhushan Kabra

"George used to always say that if ever you are not feeling right, you should listen to Bob Dylan's 'Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie' and 'Call of the Valley.'" (Olivia Harrison) This track from "Call Of The Valley" was mentioned by Olivia in the June 2018 issue of Songlines: "[it was] something George had on our juke box. We played it as a remedy in our home if you were feeling a certain way. Kabra was one of George’' heroes as a slide guitarist, up there with Ry Cooder."

"Sarve Shaam" - Ravi Shankar

From the 1997 album Chants of India (produced by George), the song was also performed at the Concert for George, and was clearly very special to George, as Olivia remembers: "At the end of his life George said to me that all he could listen to was 'Sarve Shaam.' After all the sounds and sights and tastes you experience over a lifetime, it came down to the purity of 'Sarve Shaam.'"

Listen on... YouTube | Spotify

[euphoriarps]

❊ ◜ORLANDO.// weather

general //. those who have never made the great pilgrimage to florida often associate the sunshine state with, well, sunshine. they imagine a tropical paradise where they can frolic through disneyworld, contentedly eating a mickey bar and taking wall pictures for the `gram. the reality of the matter is, florida is not the paradise that so many think it to be. and those cute disney instagramers? they thank god for face tune to hide just how fucking awful they feel. the moment you leave the orlando international airport, it feels like chuck norris became the human embodiment of heat and punched you in the face. while there are occasional periods of reasonable temperatures, they are punctuated by a lot of rain and devestating heat and humidity that leaves many a newcomer experiencing this lovely thing called heat stroke. let us dive further into florida's imaginary "seasons." hurricane season //. hurricane season runs from june the first to november the thirtieth. it is during this time that florida's weather is the true embodiment of hell's front porch. on a normal day, temperatures can range anywhere from the high eighties to the low one hundreds with humidity that leaves things feeling like it's twenty degrees hotter than they actually are. those that have keyless start up for their cars are thankful during the summer time, as they can get the a/c in their car going before they get in. for the plebs that do not have those privileges? they have to hachachachacha their way into their car and start the car and get their seatbelt on without burning off all of their skin. and for those of you with leather interiors? you're basically fucked. june and july are certainly hot, but they're not unbearable. morning time is reasonably comfortable, and you can almost certainly guarantee that there will be an afternoon rain storm sometime between the hours of 1PM and 4PM. the period fo time in which it rains varies, it can be anywhere from downpouring for fifteen straight minutes or raining light enough to be an inconvenience for four whole hours. it is a truly floridian thing to place an umbrella into your car, and then to never actually use the umbrella because it rains so frequently that you give up on lugging the umbrella everywhere. during the more dramatic of thunderstorms that occur during the summertime, the thunder can get so intense that it can shake houses and apartment buildings. roads will flood, and everyone will mysteriously decide to turn on their flashers and drive thirty miles over the speed limit on the interstate. because for being a state where it's always raining, nobody actually knows how to properly drive in the rain. most of the tropical storms and hurricanes that form in the atlantic end up affecting florida in some way, shape, or form. in instances of the outer bands brushing up against the state, it'll prompt the usual amount of rain. nothing too shocking or devestating. life will go on as it usually does. if a category 1 to a mid tier category 3 storm threatens to hit the state, floridians will rejoice as work and school are cancelled and go buy out the entirety of the liquor aisle to ride out the storm. "hurricane parties" are a legitimate thing in florida. no exaggeration. for an upper tier category 3 storm to a category 5 storm, floridians will act like it is the appocalypse and will effectively buy thousands of dollars of supplies. for those non native to florida, they typically fall into the "act like it's the appocalypse" category no matter what the level of storm is. they'll barricade themselves in their house or their apartment until after they've done the hurricane thing a few times and then it becomes normal. if you thought the heat before the rain was bad, the heat after the rain is exponentially worse. the humidity increases tenfold and you're not only wet from rain, you're wet from sweat that largely feels you leaving like a drowned rat. the worst of the florida summer is august and september. the heat and humidity can get so bad that it feels like you are venturing outside into soup. the air is thick, and sticky, and forget looking cute because you are guaranteed to have swamp ass two seconds into leaving the air conditioning. influencers and beauty gurus have to pump hundreds of dollars into luxury setting sprays to keep their faces from melting off, and frizzy haired chic may as well become a trend during this time of year. the recommendations for surviving the heat, the rain, the hurricane season? drink water. now drink more water. now drink even more water. find a hurricane buddy, someone that has grown up in florida and can recommend the best brand of tequila to make hurricane margaritas with. keep several changes of clothes and shoes in your car for the inevitable downpour, maybe consider using that umbrella for a change? who am i kidding, we all know it's worth it. and, of course, drink . fucking . water. sfall and swinter //. the end of hurricane season (october and november), and december through february be labeled sfall or swinter ... essentially, slightly less bad summer punctuated by occasional and surprising cold fronts. if the temperature drops below seventy five degrees, that is when you'll see floridians pulling out the knit sweaters, thick hoodies, and the uggs. non-floridians will question what on earth is wrong with them as they are standing their in their t-shirts and flip flops enjoying the fact that they don't feel like death for once. these tiny dips in temperature, however, will typically last all of two to four days before it spikes right back up to being eighty five degrees with humidity making it feel like it's ninety eight again. you see why it's sfall? because it's still summer. late december through february can get a little more brr. temperatures will briefly drop anywhere from the low fifties all the way into the upper twenties depending on the cold front and where it is coming from. the orange groves will threaten to ice over, floridians will descend upon target to purchased puffed jackets to insulate themselves, and the non-floridians will once more question their sanity levels. florida cold should be identified as a wet cold, the humidity having a similar effect to the cold as it does with the heat. it makes it feel colder. factor in the fact that the cold times are also windy with a wet sort of wind chill and it goes highly recommended that you at least wear a light jacket. florida does sometimes have bizarre cold fronts where it'll be thirty eight degrees at 8AM and then by 2PM it is in the mid-eighties. it is always recommended that you plan your "warmer" outfits with layers that can be taken off to reveal layers more suited for the summer. or just carry a change of clothes and shoes in your car. and drink . fucking . water. the pollening //. march begins the season best known as the pollening. the temperatures are finally manageable, ranging anywhere from the high sixties to the low eighties with the bare minimum in humidity. when it is humid, there is typically the presence of a nice breeze to cool you off and keep you from getting too sweaty. so while you're comfortable physically, if you are one of the many to be afflicted by seasonal allergies then your sinuses will be making you miserable. there is only so much that one can do to enjoy the weather when they have a stuffy, runny, crusty nose and watery, itchy, eyes. invest stock in claritin and tissues, my friend, because that pollen is going to fuck you up. the pollening typically spans march through mid to late april. it's gonna be may //. late april through may is the most ideal time to be living in florida. there is some heat and humidity, and there are occasional days of on and off thunderstorms ... but it these times when you need to make the pilgrimage out to cocoa or clearwater for a needed beach day. it's sunny, it's comfortable, there is a breeze, and a distinctive lack of pollen. it's not the best time for theme parks because it's spring break season and everyone from other states are there, but floridians will take advantage of the good weather for barbecues, picnics, and beach days. it does get notably hotter very fast the later you get in may, and the last two weeks of may start that late afternoon rain that you can set your watch by; foreshadowing the june through november misery that is hurricane season. conclusion //. florida, like most places people live, is an acquired taste. there is very little that can be done to warn you about the actuality of the weather. with temperatures that can range anywhere from the hundreds to the high twenties, and a sticky humidity that can make you question all of your life choices ... there is only one thing that can be said about surviving florida: drink . fucking . water.

[the-sober-story-so-far]

A pre-snippet to the past 10 years

 Hi there, i’ve got quite a few posts to catch up on since i’m on day 3 of sobriety but I feel like any story should start with where I was these past 10 years. I became a mother at 19, happily. My son was planned, I had met the love of my life a bassist in a metal band and fell in love with the lifestyle that came with it.

 When I had first met Matthew I had never partied before, I was in a very abusive relationship before where I wasn’t allowed to experience what most teens did. Parties, drugs,drinking, hell even my proms. So when I met Matt (before i was pregnant keep in mind) I went wild. We would party almost every night, we fell in love fast too. One of those loves that just hit you right in your face like a bullet. We were inseparable and we were both wild as could be. Once we had decided to slow down and stop going out as much we decided we wanted to get married and start a family together no matter how young we knew that regardless it was meant to be. So we were engaged, we were actually trashed when we got engaged it was pretty punk rock if I say so myself. In the middle of an alley in baltimore, he didn’t have a ring and it didn’t matter. We were just jamming to some Coheed and Cambria in my car drinking a 30 pack parked in this alley when he suddenly told me to get out of the car and follow him. At that point he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I thought he was just drunk or joking at first and I remember I kept asking him the next day if he was serious well, obviously it turns out he was. 

 So fast forward a bit, we were engaged and started trying to get pregnant and it took a few months but with luck we ended up pregnant. We decided to get married at the courthouse since we were already on the way to getting married that year anyways. Then we had our beautiful son, I was sober my entire pregnancy. I remember the first week after I had him I got trashed though just to celebrate 9months of pain and hell but at this point i was still a social drinker. The toddler years were happy years, we would only drink on the weekends or here and there when friends would come over. It wasn’t to the point where I had a problem yet. 

 Then he turned 4, and life got really hard. Problems with my family arose, financial problems as well. My mental health declined and i was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, as well as OCD, Severe Depressive, Severe Anxiety and Borderline personality Mercurial type. As well as having PTSD from my childhood with my parents. My mom almost passed when I was younger from liver failure. She ended up having a transplant and living. I had an emotionally abusive father, my mother’s mental health was never stable I actually use to remember her waking me up at 4 am and screaming at me as a child for things I had done the day before. I witnessed so many fights and insane moments a child shouldn’t. I then ended up in an abusive relationship from 14-18 with a boy who would hit me, verbally abuse me, gaslight me, manipulate me and then one day eventually sexually assault me in my sleep. The thing about trauma is it always catches up to you.

 And that’s where I think it all started going wrong, it began catching up. I moved out in my first apartment with my husband and my son and finally had freedom. We had lots of parties, I met lots of “friends” who only cared about where the next party was or who had the drugs. I began partying more and more, and made decisions I was not proud of. Including hurting my husband more than I ever could have even fathomed, I don’t like to speak of it. I have faced my guilt about it daily but in short I was unfaithful. Even if it was one time, it was inexcusable. My cousin had moved in with me, and though I love her back in that time she wasn’t the best influence either. She always wanted to party or smoke weed as well. We became partners in crime, we always wanted to get into some chaos and have fun. Then we were forced to move back to my parents all 4 of us this time due to a shooting in my apartment complex where we were no longer safe. It was unbearable living there during that time, before my mom began fixing herself and facing her own demons and dealing with my father and his emotionally abusive ways.

 So we ended up moving to my grandparents, where we were later kicked out of for having people over partying almost every night. At that point I had also assumed I wanted to be polyamorous, which indeed I am not. I am bisexual yes, but the polyamory was just an excuse in my own mind not to work on my own marriage and fix the damage I had unleashed upon it. When we lived at my grandparents was when the peak in my drinking began. I began drinking daily with my cousin starting early in the morning drinking bottles of rum and vodka all day to the point of blacking out, mixing clonopin with it. Smoking spice, smoking weed, just drugs and booze constantly. One night I overdosed and slit my wrists so bad that the scars are still there to this day I am lucky to be alive and you’d have thought that would have been enough to stop me from my path of destruction but it did not.

 I did end up quitting spice, once we were kicked out of my grandparents I saved money at my job and we rented a place with my cousin and a “friend”, the drinking only got worse there. More parties, more drugs. I started dabbling with Molly and Adderall while i was there and almost ecstasy. My mental health declined so bad due to being worried about a relationship with a girl I thought I loved and spending my money on substance that we lost our house after I lost my job.

 I moved back home again with my parents, just my husband, my son and myself and the drinking continued then for a few months it was daily drinking until one day I did finally get sober and quit drinking, months later I started to become incredibly sick and was still sober but thought I had cancer from how violently ill I was but I was too afraid to go to a doctor for it, instead in my fucked up mind I decided to attempt suicide twice. I lost many friends along this journey from the choices I made, and from who I was. I felt that being sick was my penance for being such a piece of shit for so long.

 Months passed after this, I was sick for at least 9 more months vomiting at least 9 times daily sometimes more. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t shit and I knew something was wrong but I had doctors who didn’t care to find out, who brushed it off as IBS because I was “young and healthy”. 9 months they let it go, it turned out to be my appendix and a dead bowel. The day my appendix ruptured sepsis poured into my abdomen and i was dying, I was actually dying like I had wished for all those years and then it was in that moment that I knew I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live, I wanted to fight. I had my surgery and had 3 months of severe complications including seizures, fluid ruptures and a massive hole left in my abdomen from those fluid ruptures. September of that same year my intestine popped up below the surface of my skin and I had to have my first hernia surgery, it was successful until November of last year when it tore open and I had my final one. During the process I was foolish enough to keep the same doctors, to be dismissed over and over until the first hernia surgery when I had finally had enough and found doctors who actually cared. However, now I have severe PTSD with practitioners not to mention a nurse  who physically and sexually assaulted me and a doctor who possibly did while I was under anesthesia. This is getting back to the trauma creeping up on you, it all has a purpose.

 So, I went through severe anxiety, and experienced what real PTSD was. I was still sober until one night my husband and his friends and myself were all hanging out in the garage and they said have a beer you’ll be fine and that was when it all started again.

I used to look forward to every Friday and Saturday just wanting to get drunk to feel something, all the while i was still using marijuana daily as well. Well, maybe not to feel something i’d say more to feel nothing. And then it went from 6 drinks to 12 drinks, from Saturdays and Sundays to every day of the week. From 6 packs daily to 12 packs daily. From 12 packs daily to 15 drinks daily, from 15 to 18 and so on. This was a year ago i relapsed and this is my first 3 days sober since it all happened.

 This is to document my journey, this is to look back and feel pride in how far i’ve come and this is so that I know I can do anything and how much I refuse to go backwards. If you’re reading this, i hope if you are in a place where I was it gives you strength, I hope you never feel alone. 

 Welcome to my sobriety diaries.

[blackkudos]

Eazy-E

Eric Lynn Wright (September 7, 1964 – March 26, 1995), known professionally as Eazy-E, was an American rapper and rap mogul who propelled West Coast rap and gangsta rap by leading the group N.W.A and its label, Ruthless Records, pushing the boundaries of lyrical content.

Born and raised in Compton, a small yet violent city near Los Angeles, Wright had several legal troubles before founding Ruthless in 1987. After a short solo career with frequent collaboration with Ice Cube and Dr. Dre, they joined, forming N.W.A, later that year.

N.W.A's debut studio album, Straight Outta Compton, released in 1988, highly controversial then, is now ranked among the greatest and most influential albums. The group released its third and final studio album, Niggaz4Life, in 1991, and soon disbanded.

During N.W.A's splintering, largely by disputes over money, Eazy-E became embroiled in bitter rivalries with Ice Cube and Dr. Dre, who had departed for solo careers in 1989 and 1991, respectively. Resuming his sole career, Eazy-E released two EPs.

Yet Wright remained more significant behind the scenes, signing and nationally debuting the rap group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony from 1993 to 1994. But in 1995, suddenly hospitalized and diagnosed with AIDS, Wright died through its complications.

Early life and Ruthless Records investment

Eric Wright was born to Richard and Kathie Wright on September 7, 1964, in Compton, California, a Los Angeles suburb noted for high crime rates and gang culture. His father was a postal worker and his mother was a grade-school administrator. Wright dropped out of high school in the tenth grade, but later received a general equivalency diploma (GED).

Wright supported himself mainly by selling drugs, and introduced his cousin to the illicit occupation. Wright's music manager Jerry Heller recalls seeing Wright selling marijuana, but not cocaine. Heller would claim that Wright's "dope dealer" label was part of his "self-forged armor". Wright was also labeled as a "thug". Heller explains: "The hood where he grew up was a dangerous place. He was a small guy. 'Thug' was a role that was widely understood on the street; it gave you a certain level of protection in the sense that people hesitated to fuck with you. Likewise, 'dope dealer' was a role that accorded you certain privileges and respect."

In 1986, at age 22, Wright had allegedly earned as much as US$250,000 from dealing drugs. However, after his cousin was shot and killed, he decided that he could make a better living in the Los Angeles hip hop scene, which was growing rapidly in popularity. He started recording songs during the mid-1980s in his parents' garage.

The original idea for Ruthless Records came when Wright asked Heller to go into business with him. Wright suggested a half-ownership company, but it was later decided that Wright would get eighty percent of the company's income and Heller would only get twenty percent. According to Heller, he told Wright, "Every dollar comes into Ruthless, I take twenty cents. That's industry standard for a manager of my caliber. I take twenty, you take eighty percent. I am responsible for my expenses and you're responsible for yours. You own the company. I work for you." Along with Heller, Wright invested much of his money into Ruthless Records. Heller claims that he invested the first $250,000 and would eventually put up to $1,000,000 into the company.

Musical career

N.W.A and Eazy-Duz-It (1986–1991)

N.W.A's original lineup consisted of Arabian Prince, Dr. Dre, Eazy-E, and Ice Cube. DJ Yella and MC Ren joined later. The compilation album N.W.A. and the Posse was released on November 6, 1987, and would go on to be certified Gold in the United States. The album featured material previously released as singles on the Macola Records label, which was responsible for distributing the releases by N.W.A and other artists like the Fila Fresh Crew, a West Coast rap group originally based in Dallas, Texas.

Eazy-E's debut album, Eazy-Duz-It, was released on September 16, 1988, and featured twelve tracks. It was labeled as West Coast hip hop, gangsta rap and, later, as golden age hip hop. It has sold over 2.5 million copies in the United States and reached number forty-one on the Billboard 200. The album was produced by Dr. Dre and DJ Yella and largely written by MC Ren, Ice Cube and The D.O.C.. Both Glen Boyd from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer and MTV's Jon Wiederhorn claimed that Eazy-Duz-It "paved the way" for N.W.A's most controversial album, Straight Outta Compton. Wright's only solo in the album was a remix of the song "8 Ball", which originally appeared on N.W.A. and the Posse. The album featured Wright's writing and performing; he performed on seven songs and helped write four songs.

Ice Cube left N.W.A in 1989 because of internal disputes and the group continued as a four-piece ensemble. N.W.A released 100 Miles and Runnin' in 1990 and Niggaz4Life in 1991. A diss war started between N.W.A and Ice Cube when "100 Miles and Runnin'" and "Real Niggaz" were released. Ice Cube responded with "No Vaseline" on Death Certificate. Wright performed on seven of the eighteen songs on Niggaz4Life. In March 1991 Wright accepted an invitation to a lunch benefiting the Republican Senatorial Inner Circle, hosted by then-U.S. President George H. W. Bush. A spokesman for the rapper said that Eazy-E supported Bush because of his performance in the Persian Gulf War.

End of N.W.A and feud with Dr. Dre (1991–1994)

N.W.A began to split up after Jerry Heller became the band's manager. Dr. Dre recalls: "The split came when Jerry Heller got involved. He played the divide and conquer game. Instead of taking care of everybody, he picked one nigga to take care of and that was Eazy. And Eazy was like, 'I'm taken care of, so fuck it'." Dr. Dre and The D.O.C. sent Suge Knight to look into Eazy-E's financial situation as they began to grow suspicious of Eazy-E and Jerry Heller. Dr. Dre and The D.O.C. asked Eazy-E to release him from Ruthless, but Eazy-E refused. The impasse led to what reportedly transpired between Suge Knight and Eazy-E at the recording studio where Niggaz4life was recorded. After he refused to release Dr. Dre and The D.O.C., Suge Knight told Eazy-E that he had kidnapped Jerry Heller and was holding him prisoner in a van. This did not convince Eazy-E to release Dr. Dre and The D.O.C. from Ruthless, and Suge Knight threatened Eazy-E's family: Suge Knight gave Eazy-E a piece of paper that contained Eazy's mother's address, telling him, "I know where your mama stays." Eazy-E finally signed Dr. Dre and The D.O.C.'s releases, officially ending N.W.A.

The feud with Dr. Dre continued after a track on Dre's debut album The Chronic, "Fuck wit Dre Day (And Everybody's Celebratin')", contained lyrics that insulted Eazy-E. Eazy responded with the EP, It's On (Dr. Dre) 187um Killa, featuring the tracks "Real Muthaphuckkin G's" and "It's On". The album, which was released on October 25, 1993, contains pictures of Dre wearing "lacy outfits and makeup" when he was a member of the Electro-hop World Class Wreckin' Cru.

Personal life

Wright had a son, Eric Darnell Wright (known as Lil Eazy-E), in 1984. He also had a daughter named Erin who has legally changed her name to Ebie In October 2016 she launched a crowd-funding campaign to produce a film called Ruthless Scandal: No More Lies to investigate her father's death. It ended unsuccessfully in December 2016.

Wright met Tomica Woods at a Los Angeles nightclub in 1991 and they married in 1995, twelve days before his death. They had a son named Dominick and a daughter named Daijah (born six months after Wright's death). After Wright's death, Ruthless was taken over by his wife. According to Jerry Heller, Wright had 11 children with eight different women.

Illness and death

On February 24, 1995, Wright was admitted to the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles with a violent cough. He was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. He announced his illness in a public statement on March 16, 1995. It is believed Wright contracted the infection from a sexual partner.During the week of March 20, having already made amends with Ice Cube, he drafted a final message to his fans. On March 26, 1995, Eazy-E died from complications of AIDS, one month after his diagnosis. He was 30 years old (most reports at the time said he was 31 due to the falsification of his date of birth by one year). He was buried on April 7, 1995, at Rose Hills Memorial Park in Whittier, California. Over 3,000 people attended his funeral, including Jerry Heller and DJ Yella. He was buried in a gold casket, and was dressed in a flannel shirt, jeans, and his Compton hat. On January 30, 1996, ten months after Eazy-E's death, his final album, Str8 off tha Streetz of Muthaphukkin Compton was released.

According to his son Lil Eazy-E, Eazy-E was worth an estimated USD$50 million at the time of his death.

Musical influences and style

Allmusic cites Eazy-E's influences as Ice-T, Redd Foxx, King Tee, Bootsy Collins, Run–D.M.C., Richard Pryor, Egyptian Lover, Schoolly D, Too $hort, Prince, the Sugarhill Gang and George Clinton. In the documentary The Life and Timez of Eric Wright, Eazy-E mentions collaborating with many of his influences.

When reviewing Str8 off tha Streetz of Muthaphukkin Compton, Stephen Thomas Erlewine noted "... Eazy-E sounds revitalized, but the music simply isn't imaginative. Instead of pushing forward and creating a distinctive style, it treads over familiar gangsta territory, complete with bottomless bass, whining synthesizers, and meaningless boasts." When reviewing Eazy-Duz-It, Jason Birchmeier of Allmusic said, "In terms of production, Dr. Dre and Yella meld together P-Funk, Def Jam-style hip-hop and the leftover electro sounds of mid-'80s Los Angeles, creating a dense, funky, and thoroughly unique style of their own." Birchmeier described Eazy-E's style as "dense, unique and funky", and said that it sounded "absolutely revolutionary in 1988".

Several members of N.W.A wrote lyrics for Eazy-Duz-It: Ice Cube, The D.O.C. and MC Ren. The EP 5150: Home 4 tha Sick features a song written by Naughty By Nature. The track "Merry Muthaphuckkin' Xmas" features Menajahtwa, Buckwheat, and Atban Klann as guest vocalists, and "Neighborhood Sniper" features Kokane as a guest vocalist. It's On (Dr. Dre) 187um Killa features several guest vocalists, including Gangsta Dresta, B.G. Knocc Out. Kokane, Cold 187um, Rhythum D, and Dirty Red. Str8 off tha Streetz of Muthaphukkin Compton featured several guest vocalists, including B.G. Knocc Out, Gangsta Dresta, Sylk-E. Fyne, Dirty Red, Menajahtwa, Roger Troutman and ex-N.W.A members MC Ren and DJ Yella.

Legacy

Eazy-E has been called the godfather of gangsta rap. MTV's Reid Shaheem said that Eazy was a "rap-pioneer", and he is sometimes cited by critics as a legend. Steve Huey of AllMusic said that he was "one of the most controversial figures in gangsta rap". Since his 1995 death, many book and video biographies have been produced, including 2002's The Day Eazy-E Died and Dead and Gone.

When Eazy was diagnosed with AIDS, many magazines like Jet, Vibe, Billboard, The Crisis, and Newsweek covered the story and released information on the topic. All of his studio albums and EPs charted on the Billboard 200, and many of his singles—"Eazy-Duz-It", "We Want Eazy", "Real Muthaphuckkin G's, and "Just tah Let U Know"—also charted in the U.S.

In 2012 an Eazy-E documentary was released by Ruthless Propaganda, called Ruthless Memories. The documentary featured interviews from Jerry Heller, MC Ren and B.G. Knocc Out.

In the 2015 film Straight Outta Compton, Eazy-E is played by Jason Mitchell and the film is dedicated in his memory.

Discography

Studio albums

Eazy-Duz-It (1988)

Str8 off tha Streetz of Muthaphukkin Compton (1996)

Extended Plays

5150: Home 4 tha Sick (1992)

It's On (Dr. Dre) 187um Killa (1993)

Impact of a Legend (2002)

with N.W.A

N.W.A. and the Posse (1987)

Straight Outta Compton (1988)

100 Miles and Runnin' (1990)

Niggaz4Life (1991)

[hlupdate]

Harry Styles twirls in the center of the floor of the L.A. Forum, dancing wildly to his new song “Golden.” The venue is deserted. It’s Thursday afternoon, just a few hours before the release of his hotly awaited second album, Fine Line. He’s rehearsing for Friday night’s big album-release celebration show. (Outside the arena, the parking lot is full of tents—fans from around the world have been camping out all week, awaiting a spot on this floor.) After a few hours of rehearsing with his band, Harry cuts loose as the new album begins to blast over the speakers, breaking into a dance of joy. It’s probably the last time he’ll ever hear this song in a room where nobody else is dancing.

Backstage, he lounges on a leather couch in his corduroy flares, a string of pearls and a yellow T-shirt depicting a panda and the words “I’m Gonna Die Lonely.” He and his musical wingman, Tom “Kid Harpoon” Hull, argue over the set list for the upcoming world tour, even though it doesn’t start until April. His mother reaches for an apple; ever the dutiful rock-star son, Harry directs her to the bowl where the tastier apples are hidden. He’s restless with anticipation for the world to hear his new songs, and he’s not doing a great job of hiding it.

Fine Line is the soulful, expansive, joyous pop masterpiece Harry’s been reaching for ever since he blew up nearly ten years ago, as the heart-throb of One Direction. As he sings in “Lights Up,” the single that dropped in September, he’s stepping into the light. “It all just comes down to I’m having more fun, I guess,” he says. “I think ‘Lights Up’ came at the end of a long period of self-reflection, self-acceptance,” he says. “Through the two years of making the record I went through a lot of personal changes—I just had the conversations with myself that you don’t always have. And I just feel more comfortable being myself.”

His life has changed in oh so many ways—some involving the occasional magic mushroom, others involving the even more psychedelic power of a broken heart. The music ranges from the Laurel Canyon hippie soft-rock vibe of “Canyon Moon”—Harry calls it “Crosby, Stills and Nash on steroids”—to the R&B pulse of “Adore You.” Fine Line is a break-up album that’s often sorrowful, but reflecting the introspective evolution of a 25-year-old navigating the seas of Having Sex and Feeling Sad, despite having spent so much of his youth in the spotlight. He’s refusing to follow trends or fit any formula. “The overall arc is just that I tried to redefine what success means to me. I tried to rewire what I thought about it. A lot changes in two years, especially after coming out of the band and just working out what life is now. I feel so much freer, making this album—you get to a place where you feel happy even if the song is about the time when you weren’t that happy.”

The first time Harry played this album for me, back in June, it was a few miles away in L.A.’s Henson Studios, the same room where his idol Carole King made Tapestry—for him, sacred ground. “I look back on the last album,” he said then, referring to his 2017 solo debut. “And I thought I was being so honest, just because there’s one line about having a wank. I had no idea. You write a song that’s pretty open and honest, and you think that’s just my song, but then you hand it over to people, and it’s like, ‘Oh fuck!’ Until people hear them, they’re not even songs. They’re just voice notes.”

Here is Harry’s song-by-song guide to Fine Line—along the creative and emotional journey he took while making it.

“Golden” The first song written for Fine Line, on the second day of the sessions at Shangri-La Studios in Malibu. “That was always the first one I played to people,” he says. “That was just always going to be Track One.” It’s a blast of vintage Seventies SoCal soft-rock, the kind of Laurel Canyon mellowness that suffused his first album, layered in guitars and harmonies. “When we wrote ‘Golden,’ we were sitting around the kitchen in the studio, and I was playing it on guitar. There were five of us singing the harmonies—the acoustics in the kitchen made it sound so cool, so we thought, this song’s gonna work.”

Even in this sunny SoCal pop tune, there’s a tinge of bittersweet loss—as the sun goes down, he pleads, “I don’t wanna be alone.” As he says, “I don’t know much about Van Morrison’s life—but I know how he felt about this girl, because he put it in a song. So I like working the same way.”

“Watermelon Sugar” Harry did this fruit-crazed jam on Saturday Night Live, stretching out with his live band. He wrote “Watermelon Sugar” with producer Tyler Johnson, Tom Hull and guitar sidekick Mitch Rowland; as with the whole album, he worked with members of his tight rotating cast of friends and collaborators, rather than the usual hit squad of pros. “If you’re going in with session writers or something, you spend one or two days there, and there is no way that person really cares about your album as much as you do. Because they’re into something else tomorrow. I know that Mitch, Tyler, Tom, Sammy [Witte], Jeff [Bhasker] wanted the album to be as good as I wanted to be. They don’t care about if it’s their song or not. They’re not concerned how many songs they get on an album. They want it to be the best album it can possibly be. We’ll bond over music we love and things we’re going through. It’s not like there’s one person in the group that’s like, ‘Well, no, I don’t talk about that. I just make beats.’”

A massive influence on the album—and on his life—is his experience on his first solo tour, stepping out without One Direction. “The tour, that affected me deeply. It really changed me emotionally. Having people come to sing the songs. For me the tour was the biggest thing in terms of being more accepting of myself, I think. I kept thinking, ‘Oh wow, they really want me to be myself. And be out and do it.’ That’s the thing I’m most thankful for, of touring. The fans in the room is this environment where people come to feel like they can be themselves. There’s nothing that makes me feel more myself than to be in this whole room of people. It made me realize people want to see me experiment and have fun. Nobody wants to see you fake it.”

“Adore You” “‘Adore You’ is the poppiest song on the album,” he says of the latest single. “This time I really felt so much less afraid to write fun pop songs. It had to do with the whole thing of being on tour and feeling accepted. I listen to stuff like Harry Nilsson and Paul Simon and Van Morrison, and I think, well, Van Morrison has ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ and Nilsson has ‘Coconut.’ Bowie has ‘Let’s Dance.’ The fun stuff is important.”

“Lights Up” After kicking off his solo career with “Sign of the Times,” a sprawling glam-rock piano epic, Harry surprised many fans with his first single from Fine Line: a succinct, sleek R&B groove. “When I played it for the label, I told them, this is the first single. It’s two minutes thirty-five. You’re welcome.” It came late in the sessions—“Lights Up,” “Treat People with Kindness” and “Adore You” were written in the final week this spring, in a burst of inspiration.

For Harry it has something to do with stepping out on his own. When he began songwriting, it was as a member of the group. “‘Happily,” that was the first time I saw my name in the credits. I liked that. But I knew I’d only sing part of it. I knew if I wrote a really personal song, I wouldn’t sing it. It was like a safety net. If a song was too personal, I could back away and say, ‘Well, I don’t have anything to do with it.’ The writing was like, “Well if I was going to write a song about myself, I’d probably never sing it.” It’s like story-telling sometimes if you’re like telling a really personal story then the voice changes every few lines, it doesn’t quite do the same thing. As the songs got more personal, I think I just became more aware that at some point there might be a moment where I would want to sing it myself.”

“A turning point was “Two Ghosts,” a ballad from his solo debut. “’Two Ghosts’ I wrote for the band, for Made In the AM. But the story was just a bit too personal. As I started opening up to write my more personal stuff, I just became aware of a piece of me going, ‘I want to sing the whole thing.’ Now I look at a track list and these are all my little babies. So every time I’m playing a song, I can remember writing it, and exactly where we were and exactly what happened in my life when I wrote it. So the whole show is this massive emotional journey, you know? That’s a big difference, rather than every twenty minutes you go, ‘Oh, I remember this one.’”

“Cherry” The most powerful moment on Fine Line—a raw confession of jealousy. His engineer Sammy Witte was playing an acoustic guitar riff that Harry overheard and loved. “That was the moment of saying, yeah, I want my songs to sound like that,” he says. It ends with a female voice speaking French, while Harry jams on guitar. “That’s just a voice note of my ex-girlfriend talking. I was playing guitar and she took a phone call—and she was actually speaking in the key of the song.”

“Falling” A dreamy soul ballad. “Tom had come up to my place to grab something and he’d sat at the piano and I’d just got out of the shower and he started playing, and then we wrote it there. So I was completely naked when I wrote that song.”

“To be So Lonely” “The song ‘To Be So Lonely’ is just really like articulation of Mitch’s brain. Even when Mitch plays to himself, he’s got the swing.” The song was composed on a guitalele—a ukulele with six strings. “They’re really good for writing on, because you can travel with them. I had one of those with me in Japan, so they’re really good for spur-of-the-moment ideas.”

“She” A fantastic six-minute rock epic with a loopy guitar excursion, as if the Prince circa “Purple Rain” jammed with Pink Floyd circa “Shine On You Crazy Diamond.” “Mitch played that guitar when he was a little, ah, influenced. Well, he was on mushrooms, we all were. We had no idea what we were doing. We forgot all about that track, then went back later and loved it. But Mitch had no idea what he did on guitar that night, so he had to learn it all over from the track. That one to me feels really British. I usually sing with a slight American twang, because the first person I ever listened to was Elvis Presley. When I’ve been doing the track listing, and ticking off the ones to definitely make the album, it’s always in the first three to be ticked. That’s a phenomenal song.”

“Sunflower, Vol. 6” An experimental trip with “deep cut” written all over it. “I would love people to listen to the whole album. I want people to listen to every song. Even with streaming and playlists, I love listening to records top to bottom. So I want to make make albums that I want to listen to top to bottom, because that’s just how I listen to music.”

“Canyon Moon” “I was in a pretty big Joni hole,” Harry admits. Inspired by his Southern California surroundings—and his obsession with Joni Mitchell’s 1971 classic Blue—he tracked down Joellen Lapidus, the woman who built the dulcimer Mitchell plays all over that album. Back in the day, Lapidus introduced Mitchell to the wonders of the mountain dulcimer; Joni took it backpacking around Europe and wrote some of her most classic songs on it. Harry and Tom Hull got their first lesson in the instrument from Lapidus herself, at her house in Culver City. He proudly calls this song “Crosby, Stills and Nash on steroids.” When he played Fine Line for Stevie Nicks this summer, she picked this as her favorite—and as you may know, Stevie’s opinion means a lot to the young man she called “my little muse Harry Styles.”

“Treat People With Kindness” This up-with-people sing-along doesn’t sound like anything else on the album. It began after the slogan was featured prominently on Harry’s first solo tour. “I told Jeff, I would love to someday write a song called ‘Treat People With Kindness.’ And he was like, ‘Why don’t you just do it?’ It made me uncomfortable at first, because I wasn’t sure what it was—but then I wanted to lean into that. I feel like that song opened something that’s been in my core.”

“Fine Line” The longest and most eccentric song on the album—one of the first to be written, as a simple folkie ballad, but it kept expanding and evolving. “It’s a weird one,” he says. “It started simple, but I wanted to have this big epic outro thing. And it just took shape as this thing where I thought, ‘That’s just like the music I want to make.’ I love strings, I love horns, I love harmonies—so why don’t we just put ALL of that in there?” It typifies the spirit of the whole project. But he knows he can’t please everyone. “When my granddad first heard ‘Lights Up,’ he was, ‘Yeah, I had to listen to it a couple times to get it. But I’m just glad you’re still working.’ It was funny, but I thought, I’m just glad I’m still working.”

[daggerzine]

R.E. Seraphin molds tiny shapes into big songs.

Though he’s been on the scene for a while now (with different bands) I hadn’t heard the music of Bay Area musician R.E. “Ray” Seraphin until this year via a cassette called Tiny Shapes via Paisley Shirt Records (more on the label below). His first real band was Talkies, which he discusses below (and I have enjoyed), but he seems to have really come into his own this year with that cassette and a new EP, A Room Forever, which came out just a month or so ago. In his music you’ll hear influences of 80’s jangle pop as well as some deeper post-punk stuff (and for more current stuff I hear whispers of Dean Wareham and his bands and Wild Nothing). Reading below he seems very well grounded and seems to have a great attitude about everything (even not being able to play shows during a pandemic or being in a writing slump). I think once this is all over this guy will go on 5-year tour and gain lots and lots of new fans. In the meantime do check out his stuff, you won’t be disappointed.

   Where did you grow up?

Berkeley, CA. The area I grew up in was filled with Victorian homes and dilapidated industrial warehouses. My family home was walking distance from a lagoon and an old, rusty set of train tracks. I felt I lived in an unremarkable college town. There wasn't much activity outside of the school. I discovered Berkeley’s storied political and musical history much later in life. Now, of course, there are many books written about Berkeley, but I thought it was a kinda nondescript city as a kid.

 Do you remember what band made you fall in love with music?

Dating myself hard here, but I remember being floored by The White Stripes’ “Fell in Love With a Girl” video when I was 11. The Top 40 music making the rounds on VH1 and MTV at the time was beyond dreck — a lot of Train, Staind, Matchbox 20. The White Stripes were the first band I was exposed to that made succinct, catchy, no-frills music. I was genuinely enthralled. Plus, the Lego animation in that video still holds up.

 Was guitar your first instrument?

I started on bass. My first instrument was an extremely cheap, pointy BC Rich knockoff monstrosity. I believe I was 13. I had no idea how to play and little interest in learning. For the first year, I putzed around with a Pro Co RAT, a wah pedal, and a tinny-sounding Crate practice amp. I just tried (and succeeded in) being as obnoxious as possible. When I started writing songs, I eventually graduated from playing bass poorly to playing guitar poorly.

 Tell us about your first band.

My first band that played shows was called The Phil Spector Shotgun Experience. That was primarily a cover band I put together with my high school buddies and my mom. We covered Radio Birdman, the Pink Fairies, and the MC5; we also had an unwittingly hilarious original called “Nitroglycerin Man” — the first song I ever wrote (maybe I was subconsciously inspired by Wages of Fear). At some point, we kicked my mom out of the band and started playing as the Impediments. That band kicked ass — we made pridefully dumb American punk music. That was also my only band to sign a record contract, so it’s quite possibly been downhill from there!

 Tell us about The Talkies (unless that was your first band mentioned above).

Talkies (no article!) was a group I started in 2014 as a vehicle for my songs. My previous bands had been more of a shared vision, so Talkies was my first foray into being the lone genius of a group. The sound was mostly drawn from what is disparagingly known as power pop. Basically, I was heavily into the band Shoes for a few years.

We released a few albums and EPs. Did a couple short tours. During that time, the project was dragged from the Bay Area to Austin and back before I finally, mercifully pulled the plug last year. It was time.

 When did you transition from Talkies to the solo stuff you’re doing now? Did it feel comfortable?

Talkies had run its course, but I had a smattering of songs leftover from that project that I wanted to record. Around that time, I learned my good friend Jasper Leach (Burner Herzog) was getting ready to skip town. I had always wanted to work with him and, seizing my final opportunity to do so, we banged out my début, Tiny Shapes, last summer. The whole experience was fairly serendipitous. The stars aligned for that one.

I wouldn't say the process was comfortable. Recording the album felt necessary, urgent — almost compulsory at times. My heart was ready for a new project and I truly wanted to center myself for the first time. I’m glad I did. This is the happiest I’ve been musically in some time.

 “I think therefore I am”

I love the songs on A Room Forever. How did they come together?

So glad to hear that! I got asked to contribute to a compilation back in April. With the deadline approaching and inspiration still eluding me, I took a glance at my bookshelf, noticed a particular Carson McCullers title, and whipped up “Clock Without Hands.” After my trusty collaborator Owen Adair Kelley added his parts, I felt we had stumbled upon a great sound. I tried to harness the creative spirit and pushed myself to finish a few ideas buried deep in the recesses of my Voice Memo app. I got friends Matt Bullimore (The Mantles) and Yea-Ming Chen (Yea-Ming & The Rumors) involved, and that was that. No great origin story — just pure American ingenuity and elbow grease.

 Tell us about Paisley Shirt Records. Who runs it and how did you hook up with them?

Paisley Shirt Records is simply the man, the myth, the legend — Kevin Linn. He is a San Francisco-based musician and artist who records as Sad-Eyed Beatniks.

I met him when I was looking for someone to release my album, Tiny Shapes. He had just put out a tape by Hits — a great local band featuring some friends of mine — and I felt a kinship with his roster. So, I reached out to him. Foolishly, he agreed to put out my album and we’ve been inseparable ever since. Solid dude. High marks.

 Have you done any solo tours? If so where and how did they go?

Ha! No. I had only notched two shows as R.E. Seraphin before the pandemic hit. Likely not doing anything beyond the odd live-stream show for a while. That said, if any tastemaking European touring agencies are reading this — give me a ring!

The latest EP

 What are your top 10 desert island discs?

Ah, jeez. This question. I’ll just say these are 10 (plus one) that I come back to quite often. In no order:

 Marquee Moon by Television

The Everly Brothers’ Best

Forever Changes by Love

Let it Be by The Replacements

Third/Sister Lovers by Big Star

The First Songs by Laura Nyro

16 Lovers Lane by The Go-Betweens

In a Silent Way by Miles Davis

A Different Kind of Tension by Buzzcocks

Something Else by The Kinks

Old No. 1 by Guy Clark

 What are a few Bay Area bands that we should know about.

This is a golden-era for weirdo pop music in the Bay. To name just a few: Galore, Cindy, The Umbrellas, Tony Jay, Flowertown, Healing Potpourri, Latitude, Cocktails, The Reds, Pinks, & Purples, Yea-Ming & The Rumors, Anna Hillburg, the 1981, Toner, Frank Ene, Neutrals, Owen Adair Kelley, April Magazine, Telephone Numbers, Hits, Sad-Eyed Beatniks. Essentially every act associated with Paisley Shirt Records and/or Mt.St.Mtn. My bias is strong.

 Do you feel that the pandemic has helped your songwriting or hindered it (if either)?

A li’l column A, a li’l column B. I’m a natural procrastinator, so I’ve definitely savored the lack of band practice and shows (things that often necessitate new material). That said, I doubt I would have finished A Room Forever had I not been quarantined at home. Without having many obligations and without being able to leave my house, music definitely became my raison d’être for the first time as an adult. I was fortunate to not be deemed an “essential” worker and to be able to focus energy on my passion momentarily. Silver lining.

 What’s next ? A new record by the end of the year possibly?

Hopefully continuing to promote my music and play shows on the ol’ webiverse. A Room Forever will be receiving a small vinyl and tape pressing at the end of September via Mt.St.Mtn. and Paisley Shirt Records. So, looking forward to that.

I was creatively tapped for a few months after A Room Forever. While a new album is possible, it’s not probable. I am plugging away at a few tunes, but I tend to conceptualize albums as a thematic whole and not as a collection of songs. Haven't stumbled onto my next Big Idea yet. Don't count me out, though. I could see myself dashing off a covers album for sure.

 What is one song you wish you’d written?

Too many to name! I’ll reframe that question to mean a great song I could see myself capable of writing in an alternate time, place, or dimension. Maybe one of Peter Holsapple’s songs from The dB’s — “Black & White” or “Neverland.” Also: anything by Wreckless Eric or Martin Newell.

 Final thoughts? Closing comments?

Just finished reading an interview with the great James Purdy, and thought this quote summed up iur current political climate well:

“You go out into the world and no one knows you, you can be ruled because you’re programmed. Everything is stamped, put on the shelf, described, thrown out into the garbage. It’s a political process, and behind that an economic process. But to be nothing, that is the worst of all possible things.”

   www.reseraphin.com

www.paisleyshirtrecords.bandcamp.com