#but i am so afraid to deal with family before i graduate and it's not /that/ long

[thedarklyblue]

i have to go to therapy.... sitting here in the booth before we get started desperately googling hrt near me

[tiredfox64]

Too Late? You’re Still Young!

Prior notes: DILFS! I LOVE THEM! I LITERALLY HAVE A I ❤️ DILFS SHIRT! YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I LOVE? CONSENT! WE 👏 LOVE 👏 CONSENT👏!

Pairing: Johnny Cage (MK11) x Virgin! Afab reader

Warnings ‼️: NSFW, fingering, praising, nipple play, safe sex is sweeter, mating press, aftercare (is freaking important)

So you spent all of high school and all of college with you virginity in tact. Impressive, but it wasn’t your choice. With a sheltered home life like yours you struggled to understand the dating scene. You were too afraid to have a boyfriend since you worried you would get in trouble with your family. You never had the talk before but your hormones were a big indicator that you were missing some important information about your body. You somewhat found the solution when you placed a pillow between your legs and it felt incredible good to you.

Through Sex Ed class and word around school you figured out what you were in need of. But to get it seemed so difficult. At least now you knew your fingers were a good option.

That frustration grew in you and you couldn’t voice it out. Even telling it to your best friend Cassie felt wrong. You’re almost graduating and you still have your v card! You can’t do this anymore. Maybe it’s time to ask Cassie for advice. Even if she can’t help you maybe one of her friends can. Two of them are engaged to each other you doubt they are waiting till after marriage. Heaven knows you can’t.

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You went over to Johnny’s mansion since you remembered Cassie was staying with him for a bit. You knocked on the door and waited patiently with an anxious look on your face. It was Johnny who opened the door.

“Hey! I haven’t seen you in a while,” He paused for a second, “Woah, what’s up with that face?”

“Hi, Mr. Cage. Is Cassie here right now?” You asked sheepishly.

“Nope, sorry. She just went out with Jacqui. But you should still come in. I’ll get you something to drink.” He invited you in.

You went inside, taking your shoes off at the entrance like a decent human being. You followed Johnny into the kitchen where you sat at the island. He gave you a glass of water which you thanked him for before he started talking.

“So what’s going on? You don’t seem to happy. Let me guess, a professor gave you a bad grade.”

He knows you too well. That could be true but not at this moment. You did smile though which is the reaction he wanted.

“No actually, it’s more of a…body issue.” You tried your best to explain it without saying it out loud.

“Ah, shark week I’m guessing? That’s why you need Cassie.”

“No! No! It’s another kind of issue that I have a hard time saying.” Your voice grew quieter the more you spoke.

Johnny stayed patient. He waited to see if you would say it yourself. You were being vague so he really didn’t understand what was going on. You sighed before continuing.

“The thing is I’m still a virgin. It’s really embarrassing. I feel so frustrated knowing that my body needs something but I either don’t know what it is or I can’t get it.” Now he understands.

He stayed silent for a bit as he thinks about what you said. He would say it’s no big deal but he’s a man with a high body count so he shouldn’t be talking. Still, he doesn’t want you feeling bad about it.

“Cassie did tell me you were a bit sheltered. But I don’t see why it’s a problem. You’re a nice and intelligent girl and I would hate for some dick to take your virginity as if it was nothing.”

“Everybody says that to me! I know what I am and I understand I need a good man to do it with. But how will I know what is considered a good man if no one tells me.” You were really expressing your frustration.

You had a point and Johnny could see that. You were at risk of being misguided. Everyone is at risk of that no matter what but you had a disadvantage. He had an idea that might work out but it seemed so stupid. Hormonal stupid. He’s been deprived for a while now and getting the chance to have some fun is really tempting right now. But he doesn’t want to take advantage of your situation. It won’t hurt to ask.

“Alright listen, how about you and me…do it. I’ll show you how it goes and what a man should be doing to you. It’s up to you. I won’t force you to do anything.” He said calmly.

You froze up and your cheeks started to feel warm. You were surprised he would suggest something like that even though you knew of his flirting habits. Was it a good idea however? He is your friend’s dad and he is way older than you. You can’t deny though that he is still good looking for his age. Older does mean more experience, right? He’s been so nice to you too so you can trust that he’s a good man. Screw it, he’s the best option!

“You wouldn’t mind doing that? I mean I do feel comfortable with you, especially since I don’t have any guy friends.”

“Of course, but only this one time. Promise me you won’t tell Cassie, right? I get it she’s your best friend and best friends tell each other everything and whatnot. But she is still my daughter and I doubt she will be happy that I banged one of her best friends.”

“I promise. She will never find out.” Better make sure of that.

He nodded before taking your hand and guiding you up the stairs. It was exciting yet nerve racking. Johnny could sensed that and squeezed your hand to tell you it’s gonna be alright. He’s gonna take good care of you.

You two walked into his bedroom. His bed was large and comfortable which helped settle your nerves. He brought you over to the bed and had you sit next to him. He may be an expert in this but he has never really dealt with a girl who was so nervous before. He better take this real slow and talk you through it.

“Alright, first things first, a man should never go right into it. Foreplay is very important. It will help make the experience better for you and prevent you from getting hurt down there.” He instructed.

You had no idea what foreplay was but you trusted Johnny enough to not asking him about it. You were right to do so since all he did at first was kiss your neck. Already that was a lot for you. Each kiss felt like a little tingle that shot down between your legs.

Johnny’s hand was slowly tracing down your body till he got to the waistband of your pants. Your breathing hitched which alerted him you were getting nervous again.

“Shh, it’s okay. Remember I’m taking it slow. I won’t hurt you.” He whispered against your neck.

You relaxed a little as his hand slipped under. His fingers lightly touched your clit and you whimpered immediately. It felt way different than when you would do it to yourself. This is way better, probably cause you are receiving it from someone else. Johnny wanted to see how you were a little more down and was surprised at how wet you already were. He could easily slip his fingers in if he wanted to.

“Damn, you’re really wet. I’ve never had a girl get this excited so quickly.” He commented.

You were embarrassed by that. Barely touched and you are soaking wet down there. You turned your head away from Johnny to prevent any further embarrassment. He just chuckled lightly at your reaction.

“It’s not a bad thing. It makes it easier. You’re doing good.”

One of his fingers slipped into your pussy with ease. You gasped in surprise and pleasure. You never fingered yourself since you never felt anything from it. But you sure felt it now. That one finger slowly pumped inside you as his thumb rubbed your clit. You were keeping yourself together which was good. Johnny felt like you could take a little more.

“You think you can take another one?”

You nodded your head confidently. You wanted more anyways. Your body was in need of it. Now having both his ring and middle finger in you was like heaven. He went a little faster while his thumb kept rubbing your clit.

Your whimpers to turned to quiet, breathy moans. Now it felt too good. Without thinking you were trying to close your legs. You don’t know why you do it you just know you don’t want to make it hard for Johnny.

“Gotta keep your legs open for me. I promise it will be better for you if you do.”

You listened and tried your best to keep your legs open, spreading them wider than before. That should do it.

“That’s it, good girl.” He whispered.

Immediately you had a reaction. Your heart did flips and you felt warmth in your stomach. Johnny caught on when he felt your pussy clench against his fingers. Not surprising considering you always did seem excited by praise no matter what. He’ll keep that in mind when he fucks you in just a moment.

Your body grew hotter the longer this went on. It didn’t help that Johnny was so close to you. So close that his other hand went to the small of your back to support you. You didn’t know what to do with your hands so you were left clenching the bed sheets. Suddenly he asked you a very important question.

“Wait, now that I’m thinking about it, have you even had your first kiss?”

Nope, you didn’t even get that. You nodded no.

“Well I must look like a jerk. What kind of man am I,” He said comedically, “Let me help you with that as well.”

This must be some sort of dream. A dirty one at best. A dream where you are kissing your best friend’s hot dad as he fingers you. Even if you weren’t the best at kissing, Johnny was making it work. Thank goodness your lips were soft cause you’d be embarrassed if they weren’t.

This was all enough to send you over the edge. It really didn’t take much effort since you were so deprived. Your eyes were shut tight as you felt pleasure pulse through your body. You were moan against Johnny’s lips. He felt your pussy clench his fingers which was enough evidence to show he just made you cum. Damn, in three minutes? That’s a new record. To him that was impressive and boosted his already high ego. You were embarrassed, thinking that cumming too early was a bad thing. It’s only bad when it’s guys, you’re fine.

“I’m sorry. I thought I would last longer.” You apologized.

“There’s no need to apologize. It just means we can get to the really fun part now. Take your clothes and get comfortable on the bed.” He instructed.

Johnny gave you a quick kiss on the cheek before slipping his hand out from your pants. He wanted to make sure you were still comfortable. There was no need to feel embarrassed around him. The important thing is if you’re comfortable and still okay with this.

You took your time when taking your clothes off. Obviously you never stripped down in front of a man. Even when you would go to the pool you were nervous to take your shirt off. This was a big leap but you felt like you could do this. Deep breathes and take your time.

While you did that, Johnny went over to his bedside table to grab a condom. You could see how prepared this man is when you saw the long line of condoms he had. It’s been a while for him, they’re still good.

When you took all your clothes off you were quick to get on the bed and cover yourself with the blankets. He doesn’t mind he understands. He started to strip his clothes off and oh…wow.

You don’t care what anybody says he is like fine wine. He looks like he’s still in his prime. You couldn’t deny you felt yourself get wetter and you pressed your thighs together to alleviate the pressure down there. Then he took his pants off. Girl, you’re in trouble but a good kind of trouble.

You’re not mathematician or scientist but you can definitely say he was bigger than average. Was it supposed to be that thick? He saw how wide your eyes were and decided to tilt your head up so you could look at him instead.

“You should probably keep your eyes on me for now. Might scare you if you look down there for too long.” He’s not wrong but he sounds arrogant saying that.

He got on the bed and slowly pulled the blankets off you. You were still being shy which is fine. There is no need to rush into this he will make sure you are comfortable with going ahead. Plus, he’s gotta comment on those tits.

“You have a nice pair on you. Do you mind?” He was asking for your permission to play with them.

You nodded and he went in slowly. You felt his hands cup your breasts gently. His thumb rubbed against your soft skin. You were surprised by how calming it felt. Sure you were even more turned on but you also felt less nervous. Johnny came in closer and started to leave kisses all over them. At first it was gentle but then he decided he wanted to leave hickeys on them. Nothing too big but they were the perfect spot since no one will see them. It was definitely a new feeling but when you saw the marks he left on you, you knew you liked it.

You know what else you liked? When his tongue ran over your nipple. It surprised you but you soon relaxed again to the feeling. He sucked on your nipple gently, not wanting to overstimulate you just yet. His other hand went to pinch your other nipple which excited you more. Once again it was another situation where it felt better when someone else did it instead of you. With all this combined you started to grow needy. There was no sense of embarrassment or nervousness anymore, only this need to be fucked. You started to whine which let Johnny know you were ready.

“Alright, alright, I get you. Just give me a second, babe.”

It didn’t take long for Johnny to put the condom on, what a manwhore. He angled himself before holding your hand. It was for support.

“Just tell me if you need me to stop, okay?”

Then he started to push into your wet pussy. The feeling of being stretched out for the first time was deliciously painful. It’s not what you expected. You expected to be screaming and for a bunch of blood to come out. Nope, not at all. Inch by inch he slowly pushed himself inside of you till he was fully in. He didn’t start thrusting immediately since he knew you had to adjust.

“You okay?” He asked.

“I’m more than okay.”

“That’s good. You’re doing so good. So good for me.” Johnny started to give you kisses on your face which you appreciated.

After a few moments he started slowly thrusting into you. Your hand squeezed his but you never told him to stop. The pain slowly turned into pleasure. Finally, the pleasure of being fucked. Each thrust was another wave of pleasure through you. It was confusing at first, like your mind couldn’t comprehend something this good. Your body could.

Johnny started picking up the pace when no sign of pain was present in your face. You stopped having control over your moans. You weren’t being loud like a porn star. It was more like you couldn’t fake it even if you tried.

Damn, that’s what I sound like?

He didn’t want to push it too far but he was so tempted to pound into you. It’s been so long and you honestly felt amazing. He loved looking down at you and watching your breasts jiggle every time he thrusted in. You squeezed so nicely around his cock. He was trying to hold himself back from getting rough and you could see that. You wouldn’t push your lucky but your body says otherwise. Hormones are crazy like that, they will yell at you to do anything to get the pleasure you need. Your arms wrapped around his neck and your legs around his waist. You looked into his eyes and you said something that seemed so out of character for you but was what you truly wanted.

“Please go harder.” You begged.

“Fuck, are you sure?” Trust me, Johnny wanted to but he was still worried about hurting you.

You whined and wrapped your legs even tighter around his waist which let him know you weren’t playing.

“Alright, I get it. Never would have expected you to be so needy.” He teased.

He’ll do you one better. How about a new position? Nothing crazy but you will like it. He grabbed your thighs and pushed your legs back before putting you into a mating press. And you thought he was already deep enough. Good thing you are surprisingly flexible.

You really do need to keep your legs open more. It felt amazing to you when Johnny started pounding into your pussy. This position made it easier to hit that sweet spot inside you which you didn’t even know about.

You could hear a wet, squishing sound coming from down there every time he pulled in and out. Not only that but there was also the sound of skin slapping every time he rammed into you. It turned you on even more. You know why? Cause that’s the sound of being fucked, honey!

Johnny had a nice view in front of him. Listening to you moan for him as he continues to fuck you. You make him feel young again. He still has it in him. The energy to have fun with a girl and make her moan. Fuck, he is so glad he is doing this now.

You would be thinking the same but all you could focus on was how big he was and how all of that was slamming into you. At this point why hide any of your moans. No one is around and this is your first time. You should have as much freedom as you want. Get the full experience. You were keeping your eyes closed out of embarrassment but that won’t last for long.

“Come on, open those pretty eyes for me. Can you do that just for me, gorgeous?” Johnny whispered to you.

When he says it like that how can you deny. You slowly opened your eyes to look up at him. Sure you were still embarrassed but you realize that it was just hotter this way. The connecting that the eyes make. You’ve never seen a man look at you in such a way. A look that makes you feel desirable. There might even be some affection behind it. Because Johnny does care for you. Even if this is a one time thing he wants you to have the best experience and walk away with no regrets. It’s working for you.

It was all so much. The sounds, the feelings, the connection, the intimacy is all getting to you. Your nails started scraping against his back lightly. Your toes curled and your legs shook a little. Your eyes almost rolled back and your moans grew louder. You were about to cum and Johnny could see that.

“You’re gonna cum? You wanna cum, pretty girl? Go ahead. Just keep looking at me.” He commanded.

You kept looking at Johnny as he slammed into your sweet spot again. This orgasm was better than the last one. It felt like a heat radiated through your body. All your worries came undone just like you. Like a knot just unraveling in your stomach. You looked at Johnny with half-lidded eyes as you let out breathy moans. Damn, he could have came right there on the spot but he was holding himself together.

“Bet that felt good, didn’t it.” He teased before leaving some kisses on your face.

You knew Johnny would feel like a king after making you cum twice. He’s cocky like that. Ah, but you forgot. He hasn’t cum yet.

“You think you can go a little longer for me, baby? Just a little longer.” He asked to keep going so he can cum.

He didn’t wanna overstimulate you during your first time but it’s your call. You’re a trooper, you can go a little longer even though you are incredibly sensitive down there now. You nodded which made him smile.

He stopped pressing down on you which was a relief for your legs. He still kept them open. He started thrusting into you again, not as rough as when he had you in a mating press but it still felt great. He watched as his cock went in and out of your pussy. Your wetness coated the condom and it still made a wet sound. Oh how he wished he could just take it off and fuck you raw. Fell how warm you are and cum into that sweet pussy of yours. But that’s a stupid idea. One that young Johnny would make and he’s a better man than that. Still won’t stop him from thinking about it.

And that view of you, mwah! Watching your legs shake slightly from being overstimulated. Your hands gripping the sheets around you. Your breasts kept jiggling no matter how hard he pounded into you. He can see your eyes grow wet as you handle the sensations. All that combined with his little fantasy of cumming inside you sent him over the edge. One more thrust in and he was cursing softly as his cum filled the condom.

You both were left panting after that wonderful experience. Johnny pulled out and went to dispose of the condom. Damn there was a lot in there.

You were pretty exhausted but happy nonetheless. You don’t really know what you are supposed to do after. If you’re supposed to just put your clothes on and walk off as if what happened didn’t happen. That’s not how this goes. Not with Johnny.

He came back to you with a bottle of water in his hand. He went next to you and helped you sit up, placing his other hand on your back.

“You’re probably really exhausted after that. Here, drink this.” You gladly accepted the bottle of water, not even realizing how parched you were.

“So, what now? Do I just leave?” You asked which just proved to Johnny that it was best that he did it with you first.

“If a man ever told you to leave right after he’s an asshole. Don’t ever let a man do that to you. Come here.” Johnny pulled you close to him and made you lay down.

Your head laid on his chest which his arm was wrapped around you. He pulled the blankets over you to make sure you were comfy. His fingers ran through your hair which soothed you even more. This was incredibly nice. You didn’t realize how tired you were till he put you in this position. Your eyelids started to grow heavy and your breathing slowed down. There was only one thing left to say to him.

“Thank you…” You said softly.

You drifted off to sleep in his arms as he gave you a kiss on your forehead. Maybe Johnny was getting pretty old since he needed to sleep as well after that. He too started to fall asleep, happy to have a wonderful girl next to him again.

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Cassie and Jacqui just came back from their little, or more like big, shopping trip. Cassie was about to call out to her dad till she saw your shoes at the entrance.

“Oh shit, she’s here?” She said.

She went around calling your name, surprised you weren’t out in plain sight. in fact, neither was her dad. She guessed that maybe you were upstairs in her room. Nope, not there either. Well if anything her dad had to be in his room or something. She knocked a few times but no answer. She just decided to open the door herself.

“Hey dad, do you have any idea where-“ Cassie stopped herself when you looked at the scene in front of her. Even Jacqui gasped out loud.

She slowly closed the door again, a shocked expression on her face. She looked at Jacqui who confirmed what they saw was true. Out of all of Cassie’s friends she would have never suspected you of sleeping with her father. She doesn’t even think you did it on purpose you’re not that kind of person. This was all so much and she could only mutter three words.

“What the fuck.”

After notes:🍊…🦊so like, you gonna pay rent or something? Do I gotta feed you? Fuck do you even eat? One of your comrades came crashing through the window this early morning. Who the fuck gonna pay for that? Ah, anyways. My daddy issues have come to say hi. Can’t tell if fucking Johnny will heal me or having him be a father figure to me will. Just need him to ruffle my hair and tell me my professors are the bitches not me. Hope y’all have a good day! Adiós!

[a-supernatural-writer]

Rusted Orange Leaves

Poly Lost Boys x gender neutral reader

It's been awhile! I am so sorry for being gone so long. Ever since graduating life has been sort of a roller coaster. Working full time along with trying to figure out student loans has been tough.

I wanted to start writing again and get back into The Lost Boys with a bit of a self indulgent fic. For context I recently lost my Nana (grandmother) a couple weeks ago and its been tough to say the very least. She was not only my grandmother but she was another mother to me and in this fic there is a lot of things that are actual things that my Nana and I would do together. Not only that but this is also a fic for anyone who might've lost there own grandmother or even a grandparent in general who you had a very close connection with.

Happy fall to all of you and I am very excited to write for one of my favorite seasons of the year. Get ready for some spooky, Halloween fun and in general fall themed fluff.

Word Count: 1,840

The smell of pumpkin and cinnamon filled David’s noise as he walked into a place that he called a second home. Music that he remembered coming out during the time of the 1910’s and 20’s played at a reasonable volume. Being loud enough for anyone to enjoy but just low enough that people could talk comfortably to each other without raising their voice. 

He smiled softly as he walked deeper into the house and caught sight of you doing your thing around the kitchen. 

You were making your grandmother’s infamous great pumpkin cookies that she made every year around the fall holidays. You smiled a little though that smile didn’t quite reach your eyes as you mixed in the chocolate morsels that went in the cookies. 

But now these cookies were to be made by you and other members of your family since your grandmother unfortunately passed away not even a month ago in September, just before the leaves started to turn. 

A part of you was sentimental; making her baked goods and other recipes she taught you ever since you were little. You and your mother were really the only two who she taught her recipes to, leaving it to the both of you to teach the rest of the family. 

You had her cookies on your list along with her pumpkin and apple pie and the traditional fall soups she made from scratch. You also had some of your own recipes you’ve been wanting to make. 

With it being the beginning of October, the leaves turning their beautiful vibrant colors, you turned on the music that your grandparents played and had been going at it in the kitchen since the early hours of the morning. 

You were so engrossed in your activity that you didn’t notice your boyfriend David walk into your home. You had given him a key a while ago, turning your home into his home as well… along with your other three boyfriends; Dwayne, Marko and Paul. 

David had gotten there before any of the boys could. He knew that you were dealing with your grief in your own way. You had been having your days where certain sounds, images and even scents sent you into a crying mess. Hell, even before your grandmother passed away, you got so upset because a candle you bought smelt like her. 

You wanted to bask in her scent forever. Her smell gave you comfort and it scared you that you could never live in it again so you haven’t even lit it since her passing. Afraid to lose it and never smell it again. 

David knew that your grandparents weren’t just that, they were another set of parents; a mother and father to you. David knew how much your grandmother loved you. He and the boys got to spend some time with her and she talked about you so much and always wanted to make sure that you were taken care of. You were her first grandchild and she loved you like you were her own. 

Your grandmother even had them tear up, making them promise her that they would love you and make sure that you would always be happy and live your life. And they promised that. 

You eyed the amount of batter in your mixing bowl, finally noticing David when he walked into the kitchen, “Hey.” You said quietly, not fully trusting your feelings in that moment. You wanted to cry, but at the same time, you were feeling the most comfortable since her passing. 

David smiled, wrapping an arm around your waist and placing a soft kiss on your temple, “Hey. I can see you’ve been busy.” 

You nodded, leaning into him, “I made some apple turnovers for the first time. I think they came out really good. I have another batch in the oven and pumpkin soup is simmering on the stove… think it’s too much?” 

David shook his head, “Nope. I think it’s perfect. Do you need any help?” David didn’t think it was too much. If anything with how much the four of them loved your food, it could never be enough. And who was he to stop you from cooking and baking, this was your way of coping, he didn’t want to stop you from healing. 

You felt warm and fuzzy when he offered to help. Cooking with David was always wonderful. It surprised you just how much he enjoyed doing the activity with you. It warmed your heart even more at the idea that you were gonna teach him your grandmother’s recipes. 

“Yeah, I can teach you her pumpkin pie and I wanted to make her chicken pot pie to go with the soup.” You could help but get excited as you explained what you wanted to make. 

David just smiled, taking off his coat and gloves, grabbing a basic brown waist apron that was hanging on a hook in your kitchen, matching your own. You got one for him after he complained a little by getting flour and food particles on his pants one night. 

He tied it around his waist and grabbed the kitchenware he needed and the ingredients that he needed. He followed your instructions as you did your own thing, chopping whatever vegetables and poultry needed for the chicken pot pie. 

Of course, during the longest part of cooking, prep work, did the others file into your home. 

Paul came in smiling at the scene before him. He never in his life thought he would see David doing such a domestic thing in his life, but then again, he didn’t think that for himself either. “Do we have to kiss the cooks?” Paul teased before giving you a kiss on the lips, tasting pumpkin and chocolate on your tongue as he gave you a stomach fluttering deep kiss that held nothing but love with no lust behind it. Just pure love. 

David rolled his eyes when Paul gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek to tease the bleach blonde. “Smells great in here.” 

Paul honestly loved it when the home smelled like this. Your home for him was a place of comfort. A place for him to unwind and just relax. That’s what made you very similar to your grandmother. Both of you made your homes feel like a home. 

He always thought your grandmother was the definition of a grandmother. A woman with a heart of gold and a pure soul. Always making sure everyone was taken care of. The day she passed was a sad one. 

He was frozen in fear the moment the news settled in for you. He had never seen someone feel so much pain that wasn’t physical. He’d seen you sob your heart out before. But seeing your face turn into anguish and cry out so loudly and so heart broken, truly shook him to his core. 

Since then he’s been treating you much more softly. It wasn’t per your request, but something in him changed and he wanted to show you just how much he cherished you. It’s not like he didn’t already, he just had a much more lustful and hornier way of going about it. 

Marko was next to walk in, carrying a small brown bag in his hand and smiled once he saw you spreading out the cookie batter on the pan, “Are those the pumpkin cookies you were talking about?” 

Marko softly grabbed your chin and placed a short kiss on each of your cheeks before placing one on your lips. 

You giggled as Marko gently nipped at your lip, “Yes. I’m gonna bake them once the rest of the apple turnovers are done… what did you get?” 

Marko smiled as he carefully pulled out two tea cups with saucers attached to them. One design to be like fall colored leaves and the other in the shape of a pumpkin with leaves. You cooed at the teacups, wanting to hold them but didn’t want to dirty them with the batter on your hands. 

“Oh, Marko. They’re so cute.” You cooed softly. Marko felt his chest swell with pride as he got you a gift that made your eyes sparkle. And he knew that tone in your voice. You only talk that way when you truly love something. 

“I’ll go put them with the rest of your collection.” He took the teacups and placed them in a wooden cupboard with glass that you used as a display case for your teacups that you pulled out in rotation to use. You had an addition to mugs and teacups and you had an ever growing collection that weren’t just sitting on a shelf but were used for different times throughout the year. 

Marko grinned to himself. He had been trying his best to make you smile recently. Little gifts and outings have been his way to do just that. Even though you’ve told him multiple times that he didn’t need to buy you any gifts, he wanted to. He loved seeing your eyes shine with happiness and he wanted to treat you. You’ve been going through your emotions and even your thoughts for the most part alone. 

You didn’t want to talk to your family much about how you were feeling, afraid of judgment on some weird level. You were afraid that your family wasn’t going to understand how you felt and the way you were going through your grieving process. 

After placing the teacups in the case, he took one of the apple turnovers you already made and took a bite of it, groaning at how good they were. “These are banging.” He comments. Paul joined in and grabbed one of his own, enjoying the freshly baked dessert. 

Dwayne was the last to walk in. Seeing you doing something that you love and glowing, his heart, if it could, would’ve fluttered. Without a word, Dwayne came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and leaned down placing a kiss on your forehead. “You’re not pushing yourself, are you?”

You shook your head, done with placing the batter on the pans, “No. I’ve been taking breaks here and there throughout the day.” 

Dwayne hummed, squeezing your waist a little, “Good.” 

He didn’t want you overworking yourself too much, even if it was doing something you loved. Sometimes, Dwayne would just make sure that you took time to rest and relax. He knew how hard the past couple weeks have been for you. If the nights of you crying in his arms didn’t tip him off, then you being extra clinging to them lately did. 

You moved to go wash your hands, Dwayne still having a grip on you and moving with you, not wanting to let go yet.

You chuckled, and after you dried off your hands, you reached up and tangled your fingers through his hair. Feeling the utmost content in this moment. 

Out of all the days that have gone by in the past couple weeks, for once you felt at ease.

[blackbutlerfandomnerddomain]

NRC having the future selves come over and Future Jamil pulled Jamil aside and told him to get Kalim checked by a doctor outside of the family cause he has depression and anxiety.

OKAY, so, I was working on this until Tumblr decided to be a but and eat it while I was in the middle of typing it.

I decided for this lovely piece I am going to try and make it Kalim Harem ship worthy cause it's my ask and my blog so my rules. I also am going to do a little different in writing so if you were purely expecting just headcanons I apologize boo

WARNING: This Fic will touch on Depression, Anxiety, Emotional and Mental Abuse of a Child of legal minor under 20! It will also be very shippy and might have suggestive dialog so if you can't handle these warnings or the ship than please calmly click off and don't comment on my post about you not supporting the ship

NOW ONTO THE ASK!

Night Raven Collage Mirror Chamber - Day

The Mirror Chamber was buzzing in eager joy as students talk among themselves in many floods of seven known colors behind their seven dorm leaders to guide them ahead to listen to their Headmaster, a Sir Dire Crowley in all his glitter covered feathers and glory, who stands in front of hall and clears his through before speaking out in a might voice, "Today is a day you have all been waiting for, the day many of dorm heads and students have witnessed and treasured the memories from this forth beyond, the day you all will have the answers of your biggest questions; Who will I be in the future after Night Raven Collage?" As the bird man speaks for everyone to hear, a pair of ruby reds glance across the room, a smile on a cute youthful face of sunshine warmth as those eyes clash with many colors and shades of the rainbow across the room of faces that make his eager heart flutter. Kalim, the dorm head of Scarabia and heir to many riches and titles from the Asim Family once he graduates, was like everyone else in the room who are eager and excited for the joys of meeting his future self. Thoughts race his head, Will I look different? I wonder what Jamil will do? I wondering if Azul opened a restaurant of his own. I bet Leona had some kids, he's real good with kids! Then, a sticky thought crept in the back of his head-

You know they might not want you in the future...

Kalim's eyes, once bright and shining now dimmed, slowly look down to the floor as he feels many sharp nails dig into his skin with allowance as the voice croaks more, You're annoying, you're slow, you're loud, you don't understand the struggles they all go through... They're better off not dealing with you in the future... The young heir tried to shake the voice away as the voices of his father and step-mother rang with the claws digging into him, the voices of his father and step-mother after he first brought up these... thoughts of always weighing down his mood and how he feels no one would care if he...was gone...The voices of his father and step-mother telling he's "over reaching" and "Everyone feels sad Kalim, your sadness doesn't make it different" and "it's those people from Night Raven putting twisted ideas in your head, aren't they? You should break from them, we can be the family you need"

Then, a gentle hand cupping his breaks him out of the thoughts and pains. He glance down and sees Jamil's hand before looking into Jamil's soft worry cole-colored eyes.

Jamil, Scarabia's vice-dorm leader and servant boy of the Asim family and Kalim's closest companion he has, squeezes his hand softly as his eyes show he's waiting for his answer. Kalim smiles and squeezes back, his voice low to not dare interrupt their head master in his speech, "I'm fine. Just thinking on how cool this is." Jamil smiles fondly in response before the two looked up and clued back into the speech, "Now as you all know you have free reign of questions to ask your future selves, however you must be held limits of these questions I'm afraid. No questions of who you get married if you get married, no questions of your future children if you have any, and no questions of what is happening in their year as these questions might alter not only your futures but the futures of others. Now if that's settled, all seven dorm heads please step forth."

Kalim smiles as he steps forward, along side him are the foot steps of the other dorm leaders from the beautiful rose red hair to the yellow waist coat of opposite build, from wonderful ocean blue eyes behind glasses mixing with the desert browns and reds he himself wear, from the elegant stance of violet in confidence to the slightly slouched mess of fiery blue hair that whisp and curls slightly in emotion, all the way to the beautiful greens and blacks that wrap perfectly with a man holding his head high. All seven stand near each other in the same platform as their silly head master and the great mirror that floats before them all. Crowley slowly pours out a vile of glittering white into the mirror's small fountain pool of green and watches as it bubbles as his voice speaks, "Great Dark Mirror, come forth those who's souls shall be summoned, 10 years pass today, for the next 48 hours let them roam here."

The room fell silent as they all watched closely as the mirror started to shine brighter, growing brighter as the mirror's fountain bubbled and floated around the rim in frozen dew drops. In response of the scene Leona reached and grabs hold of Riddle's hand in a sudden grip, the sudden physicals affection didn't go unnoticed by the other dorm leaders of course judging by their eyes and Azul's small sly smile of tease. The mirror shined brighter then what it was before, causing many gasps and eyes covered or blocking the light, the scents of many things trapping the air as the noses of those involved get consumed by the scents,

Finally, after what felt like forever, the light dimmed greatly as foot steps echo the hall. Eyes slowly opened and looked after the blurry effects ward off, small gasps and whispers echoing off the crowd behind as they couldn't help but stare at these seven men standing in front of them almost in perfect unison. The red hair, The ears and tail, The glasses, The eyes, The hair made of fire, The face and beauty, The horns-

There stands perfect fine and still with same looks of awe are this year's seven dorm leaders 10 years older and wiser across from them seven dorm leaders now...

It started a few weeks prior, with the dorm leaders and their vice dorm heads in a meeting as usual with their school's head master, a Sir Dire Crowley, who told them of the tradition the previous decade of school students and staff did; The Two Days The Students' Future Selves Will Spend With Them

It was a crazy thing to hear but it seem to have happened before so who are they to question it?

They were all given papers to pass around their dorms so their dorm mates and classmates had time to prepare for the big day

Everyone soon met their older selves after the dorm leaders met theirs's

Everyone's surprised on Older Ortho's heigh and deeper voice

People are staring in complete awe on how more beautiful Vil, Azul, Kalim, Jamil, and Diasmonia got after ten years

Idia and the rest of his dorm were taken aback with Future Idia's better speaking skills and confidence and the brief mention of his business he owns and runs

Epel was proud to see he got taller and has muscles finally-

Riddle was pleased to see how well he grew after all this time

The first day was each dorm taking their future selves to the dorm and let them enjoy memory lane and nostalgia of their youths

That was fun as some realize nothing truly change while some notice there's some differences on the group and now

Future Idia and now Idia did a dorm wide gaming contest

Future Ortho and present day Ortho talk about video games and Future Ortho mentions Ortho might be married to someone lovely and that he has many nieces and nephews from his brother and his marriage

Riddle fed the hedgehogs with his future self

Jamil gets informed he's now married with some little ones and saw the world

Kalim and his future self are having a good time throwing a party

Leona was surprised to hear he has kids in the future

Ruggie's future self mentioned he takes mountains climbing missions which confuses him

Jack is glad to hear he has a bigger family in the future

It took a lot of Octavinelle to beg for information of "WHO MARRIED ME/US?!"

Vil and Rook enjoyed seeing not much has changed since now as they hear and watch the older versions of the two still call each other nicknames and enjoy their company

Diasmonia were so impressed with the older guests, shock even to find out Future!Lilia cooks now!

Second day the future selves would spend the entire school day with their youthful selves with some fun activities the teachers have set up for them

Many were shocked to find future Azul, Idia, Epel, and Riddle are great at physical education in spite of the present versions barely passing minus changing clothes or not as great levels as these men.

When asked how/why, they only answer this, "That's the best part of having a active and patient partner" which makes everyone wonder more who the Hell did they marry

As the day drew closer to a close, Future Jamil pulls Jamil aside and-

"You need to take Kalim to the doctors." "Wha-Why? I-Is Kalim sick-" "He isn't sick, he just...he has something going on. You have to bring him to the doctor and get him diagnose fast. Take him to someone far away from his family, that includes the doctor you both have been seeing since childhood!"

Working fast, Jamil finds Kalim and drags him to the nurse's office

The others followed after they saw the worry expression of their usually calm Jamil's eyes

After a while the nurse let Kalim go with a pill bottle and a slip of paper

"What is happened Kalim?" Ace asked worried. Kalim doesn't look up at any of them, swallowing a harsh lump of salt before he slowly does look up with trembling hands, tears threatening to burst from the seems, "S-Sometimes...I...I get sad... Like...you are all better off without me...holding anyone back...B-but it's fine, B-Baba said this'll go away soon and-" He was silence as Jamil's arms wrap around in a tight grip, like a snake holding a mouse close but not in a way to cause harm. As soon as the hug started and those ruby eyes sees the sadden and worry expression of the others those rubies crack and tears poured out as Kalim's shoulder shake and his mouth trembles out soft sobs

After he calms down the 21 students walked back to Scarabia where they cuddled, ate, and drank while talking about their two days back and forth, some (Azul and Riddle) making theories of what could be happening in the future until Deuce, who's snuggling against a drossy Silver, said, "Well there's one way to find out I guess, we have to just go with the flow of life..."

[void-occupation]

The O'Carrick Curse

I just talked about a headcanon in the comment section of a fic that I just read, and realized that maybe I should post it here too.

In the fic ("who you are" by mipmaps on A03) Will ends up offering the surname 'Treaty' to Halt, who accepts, which I am absolutely in love with because of the headcanon that I am about to share with you guys.

I feel like Halt sees the surname "O'Carrick" as a curse, especially when he considers how miserably and/or tragically every O'Carrick (that we know of) has lived and died.

~ Halt mentioned that his parents argued all the time and were pretty much straight-up neglectful to everyone but Ferris. (I also headcanon that they were abusive, but I'll go more in-depth about that another time).

~ Ferris was so blinded by greed that he tried to kill his twin brother multiple times over a throne, and did so terribly at being king that he was most beloved by the people when that same twin was pretending to be him - not to mention that when he finally started to do better, he was instantly murdered for it.

~ Caitlyn spent her childhood being neglected and forced to grieve as the one person who truly cared for her apparently died, and she was the only one who really knew who was behind it. She also spent her whole life being sickly, and it was eventually what killed her, leaving her son (who I'm sure Halt was grateful didn't carry the same name) alone with her snake of a brother.

~ And Halt. He was also neglected his whole childhood to the point of being so afraid of hurting his parents' relationship that he would rather run away and leave everything he had ever known and loved behind then tell his parents that his brother was trying to kill him. Speaking of, his twin brother - with whom he spent his entire childhood, and loved in a way that only twins can - tried to murder him on three separate occasions for a throne he didn't even want in the first place. Shortly after this, Halt lost the man who he had come to see as a father, and had to deal with the survivor's guilt brought on by being saved by Will's parents, and leaving Will himself orphaned. He also didn't tell a soul about who he really was until literal decades later. He had to give up a second home in order to save his son apprentice that he felt responsible for losing in the first place (whom he has almost lost multiple times - the majority of which he felt responsible for). Then, he lost the man that he considered a brother (or perhaps a lover????). Not to mention the fact that by book 8 - aside from Sean - his whole family was dead.

I feel like Halt was bittersweet about his standing as the last of the O'Carricks. One reason, is he's glad no one else has to carry the burden of the (in his mind) cursed name. A part of him however, wonders if perhaps Halt was the curse all along. That was another reason that Halt didn't offer Will the O'Carrick name at his graduation, he was afraid that sharing a surname with Will would leave his former apprentice vulnerable to his curse.

When Will first offered his surname to Halt, the older ranger teared up, and Will was startled when Halt seemed to be on the verge of breaking down.

Before Will could start apologizing, Halt found himself pouring out all of his thoughts about the curse that he had feared his whole life, and his fear of inflicting it on Will and causing him the same misery. Will was completely stunned, because the only other times Halt had been this vulnerable were when he was telling Will about his mother, and when he spoke about his own childhood, and even then, those times were nothing like this. He had never heard this self-loathing from his teacher before but as he processed the words, he realized that it must have been hidden deep within Halt all this time.

Will took Halt's hands in his own, cutting off the older ranger's uncharacteristic rambling, and looked deep into his stricken eyes. "Halt," his quiet voice cut through Halt's mind like an arrow, "You are many things, but a curse is not one of them." Halt's eyes misted over, and it was all he could do to maintain eye contact. Will had never seen this level of vulnerability and hurt in his teacher's gaze, and he would do anything to take his pain away.

"You are not a curse, or a burden, or a monster, and it is not your fault that things with your family turned out the way that they did. You were as much of a victim as they were, if not more so." Here, Will took a deep breath, and bent slightly to maintain eye contact with the Hibernian whose dark gaze had drifted downwards to hide his shame. "Do you know what you are?" The soft question was rhetorical, for Will needed no one to give him answers besides his own heart and memories, "You are a protector, a kind soul, and the greatest man I have ever known. And I am proud beyond belief to call you my friend, mentor, and father."

At this, Halt's gaze snapped back up in shock. How could Will still say that after seeing him like this? After all the broken promises, and the hurt and heartache cause by simply being associated with the former prince? However, before he could speak his thoughts, Will plowed on. "I offer you my surname, not out of a sense of debt or obligation, but because I love you, and I wish for the world to know that we are family, and nothing - no self-believed curse, no painful pasts, and certainly no self doubt - will ever stop me from seeing you as my father. I offer my name because I see how much pain your own brings you, and if I can do even one thing to show you the same care you have always showed for me, then I will gladly do so."

By this time, tears had begun to flow freely down Halt's face, and Will's own eyes burned as well. Slowly, Halt nodded and whispered his acceptance which Will had to strain to hear. The younger ranger pulled his father into a strong yet warm embrace that he could only hope expressed the love he had for the slight man before him.

As Halt melted into the embrace, he felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and though it would never truly leave him, the pain of his curse finally melted away as accepted the family he had feared for so long.

[jojoturnip]

Maybe what I needed you to understand was the love I had for him.

The love I still have.

I've been making a timeline of my life in therapy. It's split between good memories on top and bad ones on bottom. There's so much bad, that much you were willing to accept, but there is a lot of good, too.

Sometimes it's the good that keeps me up at night more than anything.

A younger me runs around our old apartment carrying the wand he hand-carved me from cherry wood ("all purpose, good for a young girl to learn all sorts of magic on"). I asked him to keep a crystal point off the top unlike the other wands he made because I liked to wave around, and I was afraid I'd hurt something I had a sharp tip. Besides, I loved that wand so much I kept it under my shirt, at the ready for playing pretend any chance I got. I'd have scratched myself to hell and back if he had added a point. He put a piece of polished, smooth citrine on the other end of it so I could at least channel some energy.

Citrine was my favorite stone. Because it was yellow. Because I loved the color yellow. Because it meant happiness and joy and sunshine. Because that's who I was.

He wrote me a song once, before he even got with my mom officially. He named it, "Sunshine Girl." My mom recorded me singing to myself in the mirror as I blow-dried my hair once and sent it to him as he wrote it. I was so embarrassed.

He would pick me up from school a lot, and I loved that part of my day. My elementary school got out earlier than my sister's middle school, so it meant riding around with him and getting fast food while we waited. He would teach me about music on the radio, tell me my voice was much prettier than Melissa's, and listen to all the drama I would bring home from my day.

When he went to auctioneering school, we practiced the tongue twisters together in the living room, laughing about Betty and her butter batter. He graduated as the valedictorian of his class. I cheered him on from the audience.

He taught me to shoot a bow, adjusted my draw weights and sights, cut me grips from his leather scraps, and fixed up the old long bow when I snapped it from pulling it too far. His hands over my shoulders as he taught me how to stand, over my three fingers as he taught me to aim. He made a quiver with me by hand with buffalo rawhide and sheep leather and sinew. He brought home horse hair for fringe but I was too freaked out to add it. He made the fringe from leather and pony beads instead.

The wand and the quiver and a locker we painted together and so many more things he gave me, made for me are sitting in that storage unit I'm supposed to empty. I don't know how to face them all.

I love him. I miss him. I think that's what you'll never be able to understand.

You didn't want to understand.

I have to juggle what he did, how he hurt me, with how he loved me.

We can call it grooming or gaining my trust or a false childhood built in manipulation, but that doesn't change the fact that it was my childhood. My reality. What I know love to be.

You said you couldn't handle cognitive dissonance. Can't you see I was born from it, bred from it, grown and germinated from its hard and rocky substrate?

A friend told me she thinks I drove you insane. The way I hold and stitch these contradictive truths together. I think that's the most reasonable explanation I've heard so far.

A part of me wants to apologize here. I am sorry that my life was too much for you to bear. That it scared you to see me go back to my family, to love people who hurt me time and time again. I know that must've been hard. I do understand where you are coming from.

Another part of me knows that I never asked for you to take that problem as your own. I never asked you to deal with my parents. I never asked you to save me. I didn't want that. I just wanted someones shoulder to lean and crash on while I carried the burden myself.

Instead, you told me that it was too much for you.

Instead, I supported you through every goddamn second of you refusing to take care of yourself. How was that not too much? You had the option to change. I cannot change my memories, my childhood.

You ask me to lose my family but you cannot get new parents like you can a boyfriend.

You like to compare my situation with you and your ex, a fool's comparison. Your abuser did not raise you. You keep your life when you walk away. You were not made of a boyfriend you met in college. Our situations are different. Our lives are different.

We are different. You never seemed to get that.

My life is tainted. I can't look through rose colored glasses, the stain remains. But I can't get rid of the memories either, or cast them out in distaste. They are a part of me. They are what made me.

I think I needed you to see that.

Remember a week before you broke up with me, you called asking for the explicit details of quite possibly the worst events of my life. Things I can't write about, much less talk about. You said you wouldn't be able to understand me without knowing.

You left me crying on the phone. It was never about understanding.

It took me one and a half years to tell you the bad stuff. It was harder to tell you the good, you know. It's all racing around, conflicting inside of me, too. But if you wanted to understand me, know me like a partner should, it required knowing the good. Seeing me, and how I am built of cognitive dissonance. Seeing the power that it gives me in empathizing with you and others, and the pain that it gives me, too. My existence is a fragile thing.

They were not excuses. They were glimpses into my mind. Into what I go through every single day.

When I let you in, you only wanted to see the bad. But you have to see the good, too. The gut wrenching good that bleeds out of me in yellow. The citrine stones and bamboo arrows and rainbow cheesecakes and Annie lockets.

I'm a storyteller, and I wanted you to know my story. You only wanted to hear a parroted version of your own sung back at you.

I am not you. I never will be.

[monsterwaterwolf6]

The Restoring Team: Chapter 2

Kenna is so patient waiting for Poppy answer. Poppy sits down and think for while. “Do you remember anything happened four years ago? What your very last mission with your team?”

Kenna sigh, “Well, we were going to rescue the hostages who kidnapped by Prototype’s cults… included my teammate’s wife and daughter. But it was too late saved them. The cults used the hostages for experiments to something what they had goals and failure. The hostages were killed, same for…” A memory appearing in her mind, her teammate’s wife and daughter were found as dead in the tube with filled water and the ECG were beeping told their hearts stopped. Her hand lay on her face, “He was out of control in rage with his superpower. He slashed the tubes where the hostages in, killed the cults, destroy anything in lab, and… attacked us as well. We tried to stop or shout him snap out but not working. They started to stop or attack him. I got close to him, suddenly I got slash by him. I got down and watch other teammates attacking him before I black out. I know he do not mean it; he lost his wife and daughter. They are his light as bright his darkness and now lost light and fall in the darkness. He had bad childhood; he had no family or friends. My people who afraid of him. I found him and bought him to my house. When we joined as Space Riders, Black Night, and I made the new friends as my team. What happened to my team, Poppy?”

Poppy listens and quiet, “Well. Once I saw your team with you when you were heavy wound and fell in coma. You were taking to hospital. Your team were bad arguments and fighting. They felt not trust anymore and decided to…” Silent few minutes, “Quit be Space Riders and left to their home… I tried to stop them, but they were not listening. The prototype and his cults’ plans, but they did not realize it. And… Prototype and the Cults had to break their friendship get them quit and Space Riders losing power for fighting and protecting all planets. They know about your team is strong. “

Kenna shocked and shaking fist hands, “Damn it… How bad while in four years? And I am so sorry about my team went to quit… I was not there that time, my power of heal was slowly because of Black Night’s power, Darkness”

Poppy nods her head, “Few lost space riders… Yes, this darkness is rare like Black Night had it. It is kind like absorbed any superpowers which why your heal power is slowly. I do not see one of Space Riders have a darkness as superpower in past before Black Night. However, I have few teams are strong after they had graduated and join us after your team left. They are best and strong as your team. I am glad they are doing well. Also, Dogday’s team has found something that Prototype, and the cults planned, like the monsters. They are strong. some Space Riders do not have superpowers and can not beat the monsters. One teammate of Dogday almost killed but she had idea to shot at the glasses from ceiling and the glass shattered down to kill a monster. She is clever. Only your team can deal with the monsters if we get them back…”

Kenna shocks, “The Monsters? That not good. I must get my team back, but I do not think so I can get Black Night back. He is so broken heart and will refusing go back be Space Rider. I do not know what I am doing…”

Poppy hums her finger and thumb on her chin, “mmmm, I have one someone almost familiar with Black Night’s wife and daughter. She is one of Dogday’s teammate, you will see. So, I cannot let you go, you are critical health. You need rest and get heal yourself. Once you get completely heal, you will get ready to go, you will join best team to restoring your team. Got it?”

Kenna groans, “Oh man, I hated hospital. It is so bored as hell. Worst foods I ate all my life. Fine, I will get heal and get physical therapy for my body improving. When the doctors let me go, I will need some trains myself.”

Poppy rolled her eyes, “Stop complaining. Oh! You need take quick test if you know anything from Space Rider Academia. I will be contacting to Miss Delight about it. That a rule, that you were coma in four years as long time.”

Kenna nods and remembered, “Oh that about Black Night’s darkness, I never see it like that. I saw that very first time his power is four years ago. That i-“. Someone opens the doors. Poppy and Kenna look someone, Poppy realizes it is Dogday and his teammates. Poppy hears ‘Fuck me’ from annoying Kenna and glares at Kenna before looking back to Dogday and his teammates.

“Please forgive her for causing trouble with you. Kenna is best known a firebird from a team call ‘The Myths’. The Myths is very first for ever one of all teammates have superpowers, none has un-superpowers. Three of eight teammates are very stronger, and five of eight teammates are best fighters. Unfortunate they quitted being Space riders and left. Kenna is only one left of teammates of The Myths. Kenna, this is Dogday and his team. Dogday is leader of his team. This purple cat is Catnap, he is second commander of team. Two best fighers, green rabbit is Hoppy Hopscotch and a chicken is KickinChicken. A intelligent cyan elephant is Bubba Bubbaphant. A Chef pig is PickyPiggy. A nurse bear is Bobby Bearhug. Oh, where Craftycorn is?”

Bobby smiles “She is with her boyfriend Drago. She is busy right now. *giggles*”

Kenna noticed and sit up in panics, “Oh fuck. Did my husband and daughter know about I was coma?”

Poppy looks at her in annoying, “I had informed them, you can call them later. You are always troubling whatever hell you are doing…” She is shaking her head. “Will you take Kenna to hospital?”

Kenna whisper ‘I am not old yet, only 27- no wait that four years, then 31.’ Her arms are crossing on chest. She feels a glares by Poppy but ignore her. Dogday get closed her, “Respect to her. She is our boss”

Kenna waves her hand, “Don’t worry about it, I liked annoying on Poppy since I joined a Space Riders. I never forgot about this happening when Poppy called my team in ‘emergency’, and we rushed to her, but she asks something us about new teams will join after graduation. My female teammates and I were busy to hold my captain before she was ready to destroy on speakers… Poppy do not notice this instead she busies on system…”

Poppy surprised, “Really?” Kenna nods. “Well, I don’t know that she has short temper. However, get out of this room now!” The space riders left (Bubba carrying Kenna) and way to hospital.

Kenna thinking to say, “Um, I am sorry about what I did to you all. I just panicked and went to see poppy about my team. I will not run away from hospital, well I wanted to, but Poppy will yell at me if I do.”

Hoppy laughs, “You are look like fun. Kickin and I always get trouble all times. Hey Kickin we should join Kenna!” Kickin quickly nods few times. Kenna laughs.

Stop laugh and sad smiles, “I must get my team back soon as I can.” Bobby questions, “Why your team quitted being Space Riders? Did something happen four years ago when you were bad wounded.”

Kenna quiet and scratch behind her head, “Well, yeah. That unbelievably bad happens but I need think about it, and Poppy told me anything. Maybe I will find my captain’s last report before she left.”

Anyone stop walking, Dogdag asks, “Your captain is female? That few female can become captains, I see some teams have. What she looks like is? About your teammates?”

Kenna smiles, “You need to wait when I can bring them back. But Poppy said one of your teammates familiar with my teammate’s wife and daughter. Craftycorn right?” They are nods same times. “Where she is? I don’t meet her yet. Hope I am not getting freak out and think they are alive…”

Dogday confusing, “What you mean? Did something happen to your teammate’s wife and daughter?” Kenna quiet few minutes and tap Bubba to move. They walking to a hospital and meet a doctor and a nurse.

A doctor sighs when he saw Kenna, “You should not move your body, it is so weak to move. I am surprising your wings are fine. Let us get her to a room, thank you for bringing her back here.” Dogday and his team bows at a doctor. Kenna sits down on wheelchair before Kenna leave, Kenna looks at them, “If Poppy picks you as team join my mission to get my team back, I will be explaining anything.” Kenna, a doctor, and a nurse left.

Still working on drawing Kenna but often Boston came to me… so I don’t think about my characters can date with Dogday or his team instead they have families. I am not sure which one date with them. I decided to use characters belong to @tekumaniac311. Forgive me for use your character, I like yours and they are cool.

Kenna belong to me.

Space Riders belong to @onyxonline

Drago belong to @tekumaniac311

[the-cranck-hobbit]

Take My Breath Away || Song of a Nightingale Pt.10

Author's note : English is not my mother tongue, I am french but I wanted to try to write in English so here we are ! (Don't hesitate to tell me about the errors…)

Pairing : Mitchell! OC x Rooster, mention of Kazansky! OC x Hangman, mention of OC × Iceman

Summary : Two years after the uranium mission, Maverick enjoys his new life. Working on his plane, drinking beer at the Hard Deck, building a limpy little family with Penny and her daughter, Rooster, his WSO's son and Blizzard, his wingman's and old friend's daughter. 

Everything change the day he got a call which announces the existence of a 26 years daughter. 

Discover the story of Ally and Bradley, find out if Kathleen will deal with her father's legacy, and meet Beck, the first woman graduate of Top Gun.

Warning : VERY BAD WRITING, age gap, mention of death, mention of diseases, mention of parents death, mention of s*x but nothing descriptive

The flight was more fun than Allyson expected. And with reason that Bradley was frightened all the flight long. Ally tried not to laugh about him, but it was so unexpected and ironic that she couldn't help but laugh to tears. “You are a fighting pilot, Brad ! How can you be so afraid about flying ?” she asked him when he could finally breathe. 

Bradley’s face and neck were red from fear and shame. “It’s just that… I prefer… I prefer when I am the one who pilots. I can control what’s happening.”

Ally wiped a tear from her cheek. “I thought you flew with my father once, and that he was the one who pilots ?” Bradley looked at her, wide-eyed. “And it was the most terrifying experience of my life !” This time they both laugh. While they recovered from their laughter, Ally rested her hand on Bradley’s arms. Seeing her wiped tears of laughter from her eyes and feeling the light touch of her hand on his skin helped him to calm down. 

Suddenly, the plane was rattling. Shaking immediately stopped but it brought back fear to Bradley. So Ally tried to change his mind by asking him about flying in his jet, about his mission. They talked for hours until Ally fell asleep. Her head felt in his shoulder. He wasn’t afraid anymore. In fact, he couldn’t feel anything else but the weight of her tiny body against him or the warmth of her breath in his neck. He looked down at her and gave a kiss in her hair and felt himself asleep. 

When she awakened, Ally found herself curled against Bradley who was still asleep. She took the opportunity to look at him. She watched the features of his face, trying to memorize every detail. She raised her hand to touch the scars on his cheeks. She stopped a few inches and sat up in the chair trying to slow down her heartbeat. It looked as if time stopped, as if there were only both of them in the world. Before she could decide herself to touch him, the landing was announced. Ally shook her head, going back to reality and slowly shook Bradley’s arm to wake him up. 

When they get out of the airport, Bradley insists on carrying both of their suitcases. Ally heard a lot of stories about Bradley’s mother, if there was something Mav didn’t overrate is that Carole raised her son as a true gentleman. 

They took a Taxi that drove them to Ally’s house. It was a tiny but very cozy house, not far away from the beach. When they stepped through the door, Ally felt a wave of nostalgia. It was the house where she grew up, the house she shared with her mother. 

Ally gave Bradley a tour of the house. And even if she was still smiling and kept a sing-song voice, the tall men could feel that she was trying to hide her true feelings. 

He understood that feeling, this melt of warm nostalgia and of sadness. He felt that a lot after his mother’s death, and he knows that his childhood friend, miles away, was still feeling that about her father. Bradley knew better than everyone that the only things that gonna make this sadness disappear will be time. 

He hesitated to talk to her, to tell her that she didn’t have to pretend in front of him. But he wasn’t sure he was the good person for that. Yes, they were friends, or so it looked like, but were they close enough to make her share these painful feelings ? Finally he decided to not say anything and let pretend that she was fine. 

They ate in a restaurant in front of the beach and went to the grocery store, buying food for the week. All along Ally was telling some stories to Bradley, and was the tour guide. Despite all the countries he visited with his job or on vacation, it was the first time the pilot came to Australia. They talked about all the travel they did. Ally was fascinated by the dangerous land Rooster went on a mission, Bradley was impressed by all the country the young woman traveled in. It looked like it was hard for her to settle down. Bradley couldn’t help but smile, thinking about his mentor that was still living in a hangar less than three years ago. As father, as daughter. 

The rest of the day was about Ally beginning to package her belongings that she wanted to take with her in California. She kept the family visit for the next day. She barely explained to Bradley that her relationship with her mother’s family was complicated and that she didn’t have the strength or will for this today. Bradley didn’t mention that obviously she didn’t have the strength either to enter her mother’s room. He got the confirmation that the room was “no way in” when Ally explained that she was going to sleep on the couch while she was letting her own bed to him. Of course Bradley didn't agree, there was no way that he was gonna sleep in a comfortable bed when Ally was going to sleep on the couch (even if the picture of Ally curling under a blanket in the couch looked so sweet in his head that it made his chest melt). Ally laughs telling him that he was too tall to sleep on the couch, he answers her that he was used to an uncomfortable bed on a mission and that it’s not gonna be a problem for him. Ally took a fake strict look, frowned and straightened up her hands on her hips. 

“At ease, Lieutenant Bradshaw ! My House, my rules, and don’t try to disobey the order or you’ll do two hundred push ups !” They both burst out laughing. And the day finished on this joyful ambiance. Both of them did their best to not be careful of the pound of their heart, of the heat in their stomach, even if it became more and more obvious that their feelings were mutual. 

After dinner, Ally brings Bradley to a Bar where one of her friends was performing. The atmosphere was calmer than in the Hard Deck, but warm and comfortable. Ally's friend was very good. She had a voice far from the crystal-clear voice of Ally but still beautiful. 

To be honest, Bradley was not very attentive about the stage. He couldn’t help but stare at Ally who was swinging at the rhythm of the music, a soft smile on her lips. Finally, when a coversong of “Take My Breath Away” sounded in the room, Bradley found his courage and asked Ally for a dance. Ally accepted with one of the shiniest smiles he ever saw in her face. He promised to himself to do all he could to see that smile again. Ally had her breathing cut off when Bradley held her in his arms. They dance slowly at the rhythm of the music, always looking in the eyes of each other. It was this kind of moment where time slows down. They were in their bubble, totally unaware of the rest of the world. Unaware of the other people dancing around them, unaware of Ally’s friend who was watching them from the stage, unaware of their age gap, unaware of Maverick, unaware of everything. Bradley leaned over her, Ally tiptoed and their lips met each other. 

Ally’s lips were soft against Bradley’s, his hands were big and warm on her lower back. Their hearts were pounding so hard on their chest that they were sure the other one could feel it, but they didn’t care.

They were still in their own world when they came back to Ally's house, in the arms of each other, still kissing each other. They were still in their own world when Ally jumped on Bradley’s arms, legs around his hips. He carried her in the bedroom and carefully laid her on the bed. 

He took a moment to look at her. She was on her back, her hair all around her head, lips parted, red cheeks. Her breast was rising and falling at the rhythm of her breath. Her green eyes were a melt of fair and excitement. Bradley was amazed by her beauty but he began to doubt. Ally could see it in his chocolate eyes, the eyes that she loved so much. She put her hand on his cheek, just above his scars, she leaned forward, kissed him and drew him gently to her. 

They slowly undressed each other. They took the time to discover their body, to find out what made the other shiver, what made them moan. More and more they were touching each other, kissing each other, the more they let go and abandoned themself to the other one. They made love that night, slowly, at the rhythm of the Australian’s waves. 

_______________

San Diego’s Airport, 1986

Becca held Carole tighter than usual when they said goodbye to each other. Carole tried to smile at her friend, show her that she is strong, that everything’s gonna be ok. But it was not enough to totally reassure the pilot. “I’m coming as soon as I've graduated, I promise,” said Becca solemnly. Carole smiled, if her heart was not so heavy, she would laugh. Her friend got a gift to take such a simple thing seriously. When she was like that, she looked like a child.

“Don’t worry about us, sweety. I know you won’t forget us. So get graduated and… enjoy your life.” Carole finished her sentence winking at her friend and looked on their side. A blond-haired pilot was kneeling in front of Bradley, mading the plane-toy fly to the boy, showing him some air-tricks. That made the boy smile and even laugh. Becca’s and Carole’s hearts melted for two different reasons. Carole because the laugh of her son always brought joy in her life, and gave her hope that one day they're both gonna recover from Goose’s death. 

Becca because she never saw Iceman as a man who could be comfortable with kids before. It was another aspect of his personality that he kept hidden to everyone but her. More and more Ice was showing her a new face of himself, more and more she felt for him. 

Carole and Becca hugged one last time and Carole whispered in Becca’s hair “You gonna kick all these idiots' ass, I know it, Goose knew it. He believed in you as he loved you like his sister.” Carole's last words brought tears in Becca’s eyes, she held her tighter to hide it. 

When they seperate each other, the two women got red eyes. Carole called Bradley, the little boy ran in Bacca’s arms, she hugged him trying (again) to hide tears. The Bradshaws came aboard the plane and Becca turned toward Ice. He looked at her through his sunglasses, waiting for her to do the first move. Their relationship (whatever kind it is) is still new and shy, but Iceman already knows that when she feels vulnerable, Becca needs to take control. 

“I think we should go before arriving late.” She said “I’m not in the mood to be reprimanded by Jester.” Iceman nodded. Storm sight. “I guess that we can see I cried.” Ice tried to reassure her. “They will understand, everybody knows how close you were to Goose.” 

Becca frowned, stubborn. “I don’t want them to understand,I don’t want them to think that I’m a delicate little thing. Or all my work since the beginning will be for nothing.” Ice frowned then. She was right, even if most of the pilot’s mind changed about her since the first day at Top Gun, they still think about her as a woman before a pilot, they still didn’t see her as he did. He took off his sunglasses and put them on her nose. “Like this, they won’t see that your eyes are red.” 

By this simple but intimate act, Ice just took Storm’s breath away. She looked at him, her heart pounding on her chest. Before she could thank him, he took her hand and brought her back to Fightertown. 

[acomposerofdreams-blog]

Why I’m afriad of Red, Yellow, and Blue

It is deceptively simple, a sheet of red boarded by a line of dark blue on the left, and a bright cheerful line of yellow on the right. The colors just pop out at you and linger in your mind, it is easy to picture, simple to recreate in your imagination, and utterly haunting in its simple context. Cause yes, there is no denying that the painting itself is… simple, that’s the point. There is nothing that gets in between you and connecting to those colors the terrifying question it asks so blatantly. Why are you afraid of Red, Yellow, and Blue?

Such is Barnett Newman’s first iteration of his series of paintings titled, “Who’s Afraid of Red, Yellow, and Blue”. A story of a man whose life begins as the child of Immigrants from Poland, a childhood spent watching the First World War who turned into a young man that graduated art school right before the Great Depression, who then saw the horrors of the Second World War unfold only to then be faced with what seemed like at the time… imminent nuclear extinction. The story of his life and how it affected his art should be an essay in its own right, however that is not the point today. It is a more personalized look at what might be considered his most beloved and reviled work. Today I’d prefer to talk about why I am afraid of “Red, Yellow, and Blue”.

My family has a history of rage, of lashing out in anger against those we love the most, especially on my father’s side. My own father struggled with controlling his emotions as a frustrated man with three sons that he always had a hard time understanding. To which I’m not saying that he was abusive or hurtful towards myself, my brothers, or my mother, just that he was open with that struggle. I can remember him having to remove himself from situations when he was angry, cause he could feel that surge of adrenaline that could lead to him losing control. I can remember times when his voice rose and I could hear him rant through the walls of our home as he told my mom about all the things that weighed down on his mind and shoulders. 

 I never learned to fear his anger, just my own.

One of the memories that sticks out most is when I was twelve, with all the mess that comes with being a pre-teen who feels lost, alone, and scared whenever he steps outside of the house because of his own anxieties. The moment was with my younger brother, I can’t remember what we were arguing about, but I remember I just had the urge to strangle him cause I was so angry. I didn’t though, I knew enough about my own father’s struggle that what I needed was space, though I didn’t know how that would help. So I left, I stomped down the hallway as he badgered me about the “thing” and just as I passed by his bedroom, the youngest brother stuck his head out cause he was worried about what was going on. 

I punched my six year old brother right across the jaw. 

Cause I could… he wasn’t in my way, he wasn’t doing anything, he was just worried about his oldest brother. I had just wanted to hurt someone, he was the easiest person to hurt.

I’ve never lived that moment down, through a great deal of effort and time I learned that moment was forgiven, along with others like it that I still can’t quite forgive myself for, even though forgiveness was given. I do not like the person I am when I’m angry, that person who takes joy in hurting others as a way to deal with his own hurt. Though I have been told repeatedly that I’m no longer that person, I can still feel him deep within me, gnawing at the bars, hoping to get out. That part of me isn’t gone, it’s just controlled, cause anger doesn’t just go away… you just get better at handling it.

I still fear that anger, I still am very much afraid about what kind of person I am with when rage can so easily be my chief motivator. What kind of Father could I be? What does that mean for me as a Husband? How does that affect my wife? My friends?

So what else am I supposed to see when I look at “Red, Yellow, and Blue”? 

The whole point of it is to ask that question, then put it on those colors so that you have to examine them. That is the brilliance and terror of such a piece of art. Perhaps that’s why when the series of four paintings have been displayed, there have been protests, threats made to staff members, and people boycotting the places that chose to display these four simple paintings. And I can understand that desire, when I look at these paintings I feel… fear. I want to reach out and throw these paintings in a fire, dump them in a river, or shoot them into the sun so that they never have to make me confront that which I fear again. But it’d be in vain, that picture in my head is far more haunting than any physical painting, forcing me to confront the question again and again… 

I have changed though, for the better even. Change that has come with a great deal of understanding from my Father. I remember much of his own thoughts on anger, and I remember most that he wasn’t angry with me after such a moment. Just sad that his own family tendencies had passed so easily to his children. I remember one day I had locked myself in my room because I was furious at, again, my brothers. I had at the time an old walking stick  that was something of a family heirloom, it was heavy, strong, with a thick metal tip. My door never stood a chance as I punched holes through it, to the point that about a quarter of it probably couldn’t be considered part of the door anymore. 

I was so ashamed. I had terrified everyone in my family. Our dog wouldn’t go near me for days, the cats wouldn’t enter my room for another week, and those holes in the wall only got repaired when we eventually moved out of that house some four years later. Yet in counter to that… I remember my dad sitting on my bed right afterwards. Telling me that he understood how much anger must have been in me, cause he had felt that before, and still felt it. He told me that, for now, I was right to remove myself till I learned how to control myself better. We talked about how good anger felt, and what bad things could happen because of it. I like to think that my door was never replaced because my parents wanted me to keep a reminder of how dangerous uncontrolled anger could be.

This would be the part where I’d also talk about kind and understanding therapists, but that wasn’t in the cards. We didn’t have the kind of money for a child to spend several hours a week meeting with someone to help work out all of their problems, something that is likely still needed. But even without that source of help, I became better at not being ruled by my anger through the help of a family that loved and supported me. First from my parents, then from my brothers, and finally from my loving partner. 

I have changed for the better by confronting what scares me, and learning to not let it rule me. By taking that fear, that anger, to understand that it is wholly my own. 

I hope to continue doing so.

[sourcherrydaydream]

This picture holds a lot of meaning to me. It's an art piece I walked past all the time in 2021. Within the confines of a sterile, sad hospital, with an even more sad reason to be there, it would bring a smile to my face, remind me to be hopeful, and provide a short moment of escape from my diagnosis.

September is Blood Cancer/Leukemia and Lymphoma Awareness Month. Every year, around 9,000 people are diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in the United States. In February 2021, a few weeks after my 22nd birthday, I was one of those people. Before then, I didn’t even know Hodgkin's Lymphoma existed as a form of cancer. The doctor who told me my results was a head and neck surgeon. She told me to look it up and laughed saying she was relieved she could be off the hook, that this wasn’t her area of expertise, and that someone should call us from Oncology within the next day or two. It was the heat of the pandemic before vaccines were readily available to anyone except healthcare staff or people with special privileges.

I got the news in my parent's home with the two of them surrounding me feeling like everything I knew was collapsing. Why me? What did I do wrong to have this happen to me? Why is nobody walking us through the next steps? I’m scared. What if I die? I’m too young. Is this real? Luckily, we were able to get on the phone with a nurse from the Oncology department within the day, do some research of our own, and get the ball rolling with more testing and treatment discussion.

On March 1st, 2021, I started my first round of chemotherapy. That was also the day I got into the Masters in Social Work Program that I am now in my final year of. In a moment of such difficulty, I also felt so much hope. I had to get vaccinated between chemotherapy treatments, I was becoming more and more immunocompromised as treatments carried on, I got shingles around my PICC line, I lost my hair day by day, I had horrible and amazing experiences with healthcare professionals, I watched a lot of TV, I got acupuncture, the list can go on. I'll never forget how it felt to feel the chemo going through my body. How the last hour was the most uncomfortable. How I was so restless and nauseous and inflamed. Most days, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I still completed my B. A in Philosophy and graduated during this process.

I feel so lucky that it was caught early, and I am currently in remission, healthy and in a good place. I am so lucky that my mom works at the hospital where I received care, so I had the best insurance, and that my privileges got me through the journey with much more ease than most.

It's one of the most horrible experiences. Sometimes it was more of a burden trying to share how bad I felt because I was afraid that I would make other people feel scared or uncomfortable. Sometimes it was that I was afraid saying it out loud would make my fear come true. It felt safer to withhold or deal with these things on my own. In retrospect, I wouldn't encourage the practice of withholding. It's important to speak the truth somewhere safe.

It was an extremely difficult, painful, scary experience that I would not have been able to get through without my family and friends. They held me up when I couldn’t. They had to be hopeful when I couldn’t be. I am forever grateful.

To anyone who knows anyone going through a difficult health journey, try not to let your discomfort, pity, or ego guide how you choose to or hope to connect. Maybe you decide not to reach out, maybe you do, but think about it truly and honestly. Don’t get offended by people’s decision to not respond, and don’t put pressure on them. I very often found myself having to sugarcoat my feelings/experiences or responses so that I could protect other people’s feelings. Putting them before myself, and draining my already low energy. If I could encourage one sentiment from my experiences, it would be to remember that your true intention will always be felt.

This is just my point of view. This is only a small part of my story. I wish I had known more back then, but that wasn't possible.

[syringa-ephemeris]

Happy 2H Profection Year!

Or something.

I was supposed to make this entry a week ago. But in between juggling my PMDD, job, personal projects, and all the planetary happenings since Leo season started, I decided it was best to slow down and keep a close check on my health first.

But I digress. Mentally speaking, I'm actually doing better these days. My body feels quite beat though. The commute in this country is dogshit.

It was a rainy night when I first started writing this, I was sitting alone at a dinner reservation, waiting for my advanced birthday dinner. I wanted to do something different for my birthday after all I've gone through. It was normal for me to spend it alone, but I hadn't really done anything special for me before. And so after a weekend of deliberation, I booked myself a dinner reservation at a place I've long wanted to try and also bought myself a limited-edition dress back in July.

Getting to the place was easy. I had already placed a deposit, and I loathe to waste anyone's time. Wearing the dress though, was a different matter entirely. It was a long, pretty thing. I was afraid of being judged as over-the-top and self-indulgent. In the end, I managed to convince myself to wear my oversized dress after seeing a couple of Genshin cosplayers during my commute. Slay, kiddos! And thank you. It was also my alma mater's graduation day at the time, so I guess we're all having our very own special days that day.

I ordered an extra upper tea along with my meal because quite honestly, I can never quite shake the melancholia that overcomes me the week my birthday rolls around. I once dreamed of having a huge birthday party. Make it an adult debut so to speak, since I didn't feel like I could do one back when I turned 18. Yet today, I chose to celebrate by myself. I didn't even invite any family lol

My 24th/1H profection year was a doozy. I'd like to say it was a net positive. I graduated (finally!!), got a job, started embracing my AuDHD. But I also lost my cat (death) and lost some friends (betrayal). So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . Honestly, it felt like my 12H year was still pranking me.

The 2H year deals with values. And from this point on, I'd like to start valuing myself more, start being more unapologetic for who I am. It's not just about the money--though that's a relationship I'm also working on. It's not enough that I'm no longer passively suicidal--I want to make space for myself too. And I want to own that space in spite of the people that tell me I'm unworthy.

Which is just a long-winded way of me saying that this dinner is part of my baby steps in living more as myself. I already watch movies, shop, eat, etc. by myself. But I'm ngl, the dinner reservation still felt like an uneasy growth because all attention was on me. It's not like when you're performing as part of a group. You can just mirror and fade into the background. When people are being attentive of you, just you, you (I, at least) sometimes catch yourself trying to look as dignified as your meal.

Or you can relax. Unclench and unmask. Most I'll do is straighten my back.

One day, it would be nice to have people celebrate me in my terms. But this one has stopped waiting. From now on, I celebrate each day as myself. Later on, I might even have the guts to do some shopping in my day dress. If people will look at me for being weird anyway, I might as well serve them a feast to look at.

[automatismoateo]

Loosing my bestfriend to religion but she is happier like this, so idk how to respond appropriately via /r/atheism

Loosing my bestfriend to religion but she is happier like this, so idk how to respond appropriately

I need to talk to someone about this, if this post doesnt belong in this sub I am sorry.

Well, as the title says: I am loosing my bestfriend (here revered to as B) to religion. And idk why I feel like I do or how to deal with this.

Some backround infos:B and I have been best friends for 10 years, from the age of 10 to now. We both grew up christian, went to an all christian girls school, went to church every week, etc. But growing older I realised I was queer and the people I was told to look up to basically wanted me gone. I got depression and social anxiety with 12. It was a shitty time, lol. I am still dealing with this (finally starting therapy in october :D). I am not religious or believing in any way at all. B also became less and less religious, stopped going to church (tho never giving up on god completely as far as I know).We both became feminists, vegan, and queerfriendly. We graduated 3 years ago and both moved away from our hometown, I across the country right after graduation, she to a completely new country 1,5 years ago. Our convos now are only online.

B had a bad time starting studying so far away from her family and friends. She was lonely and anxious, her only friend there invited her to biblestudy and even tho she told me she doesnt take it very seriously she started going every week. She has been experiencing winter depression for forever and the winter 22/23 hit her hard. Her roommate sexually assaulted her third roommate, wich was also hard on her. She was angry about the fact her church didnt exclude her roommate after sexually assaulting someone. But then she stayed with the pastors wife for a while (bc she didnt feel safe in her flat), taking bible study more and more seriously. Spring came and her depression got better again (as every year), but this time she blamed god and jesus and thinks he healed her from all her hardships. She now believes that one of her friends sees gods will in his dreams, every situation she experiences is a sign from god, everytime she feels bad it is an opportunity provided to learn and everytime she feels good is because her believe healed her. She is happy now, bc she doenst worry about anything anymore, since it is all gods will. She is healthy, eats well again, has a lot of friends in her church, a strong female community, she is genuinely doing extremely well.

She never pushes any of her believes on me, but I find it hard to believe that she doesnt think I am the idiot for not just excepting god and be healed of my depression but instead "choose" to suffer. She does offer to pray for me everytime I mention having a hard time with something.

Idk why I feel so shitty about all this, I am genuinely glad she is doing better. But I think it is absolutely egocentric to think god took the time to heal her but not every child dying of cancer, who believed just as hard as her. And she is studying medicine. I am afraid that winter will come, she will get depressed again and will spiral even harder. It annoys me that every conversation I have with her is about god and church at some point. And genuinely believing that your friends can communicate with god sounds delusional to me. Her Church is her family rn and I think it is awesome she is doing better and found people who accept her, but idk how to deal with hearing how great everyone in her church is, how binding believes are, how deeply she is connected to every other believer, all while all of these believes are the reason for my family hating me, for my friends finding me weird, for myself hating me. How can she call herself a feminist but get so deeply involved in a church wich is currently protecting a sexual abuser.

I love her, but everytime we talk I just get so frustrated and have to leave before I say something mean or anti-her-religion.

I am sure a lot of people experienced situation similar to this, so I would really love to hear from yall how I can best deal with this.

edit: Unsure of some of the words I used, english is not my first language, sorry.

Submitted July 21, 2023 at 02:06PM by Ratshapedsandwich (From Reddit https://ift.tt/irHgTwn)

[moejommadontpreach]

I’m feeling better about myself recently. At least today. I know Monday was rough. (For posterity this is on Wednesday)

I’ve made my workouts a little more vigorous, adding in body weight stuff between lifts. I’ve stuck to a regimen for the last two weeks and that I’ve recorded my workouts as detailed as possible. The documenting adds some accomplishment. My body is slowly gaining tone. I’m told conventional people like to document. Idk if that was an archeological, anthropological, or psychological concept. I may have made it up.

I need to walk more. I like to walk 4+ miles a day on hills. I like watching peoples dogs and gardens. Plus there’s 4 out door cats I can pet and approach. 1 ginger. 2 tuxedos and a tabby. The tabby has this really cute collar that says “if I am on x,y, or z streets I am not lost!!”

Still no progress on me actually graduating. Anytime someone tries to motivate I feel the need to further entrench myself. I’m combating years of thinking I’m not going anywhere. Years of thinking about self harm and suicide. Losing my father in that awful slow way sapped my willpower. I never valued life much before. and during that episode… I just wanted the suffering to stop for everyone.

I read a few articles on NSSI and that helped calm me some. Knowing other people have self harmed to try and combat extreme emotions helped me feel like I wasn’t a freak. I know that if I was teleported into someone’s life who was self harming I’d be rush with empathy. Idk if I could help them. I’d just want them to hear “I understand you, this person doesn’t not think you’re a freak. We all have a value. We have to find it ourselves, which is the hard part, but it can be found. Your crisis is shitty. There are ways to deal with it”

Now my fathers at peace but I still suffer. Maybe baseline suffering maybe, maybe a little less. I’m more at peace with my failed romances at least. Idk why I was so afraid of being alone as a kid. Everyone is alone to some extent. Just like every family is dysfunctional.

Looking for free creative writing courses currently. And playing more video games that I love.

[onceuponmmy]

MY DAUGHTER, GRADUATION AND CANDY LEIS

Yesterday my eldest daughter graduated from Intermediate (which is 8th Grade for the American equivalent of New Zealand Form 2)

And although she didn't receive any special Award from the school, I'd never been more proud of her than I was watching her go up and receive her Graduation Certificate.

It was a little overwhelming watching the other families cheer on their children because they were getting award after award, especially when the majority of the hall was filled with large groups of support for a few of the students (i.e. church, extended family, friends, sports clubs, etc.) where person after person put a lei of celebration around their necks, some floral, other's made of candy and cellophane.

It made me feel how small our family connections were, that the only ones who were there cheering for my girl were just her three younger sisters, her father, and I. And I made sure I shouted loud enough even if it felt like mine was the only voice there.

But to me, it didn't feel like I did enough to let her know that I was Proud of the person she had become. The achievements she had attained and acknowledged everything she had been through to get to where she is.

So that night I went home and I put down on paper the words I wanted her to see. It even took me five times to write it out properly, putting it the way I couldn't quite say it correctly out loud.

"Dearest Daughter...

Today Marks the end of one story and the beginning of your next one.

I've never been more proud of you then I am right now.

Your achievements and accomplishments reflect the hard work you have done, and you are living proof that you don't have to be the brightest star to shine in the night sky. Because no matter whose name was called for an award, you continued to smile as if you were the one receiving it.

I love how you've grown into a kind and compassionate young woman, fighting for what you truly believe in. I believe you will become a person that many will admire because you are already adored.

To others, perfect means doing everything right and nothing wrong, but don't forget that we are only human. So sometimes you are going to make mistakes, keep secrets, and disagree with things that I have to say. That doesn't mean you aren't perfect. Because to me, you are my kind of perfect.

You are such a beautiful person both inside and out, but always stay humble and never let anyone make you feel any less of yourself.

Sometimes I used to wonder why I never had a friend close enough to share things with apart from your father. Then I realized you were always there through everything that mattered. You are not just my daughter, but my best friend. And I always ask myself what I did to deserve you.

My Life changed the day you were born, the moment I held you in my arms I was no longer responsible for just me anymore. And I promised myself that I would never let anything happen to you. Call me overprotective, but I always wanted you safe.

But as the years passed by, and you experienced school, other people, and life, I saw that you were far more capable of anything you put your mind to. Never doubt yourself.

I know you've been through quite a lot and that you've been tested in ways that push you out of your comfort zone, but don't let the bad outweigh the good. If you treat the bad days like the good ones, then you will know how to deal with any problem in life.

I've always encouraged you to make your own decisions, not wanting to force you into doing what you don't like. But never be afraid to try new things, because I don't want you to regret anything in Life. Always make the right decisions for you, never feel that you to do it to please others.

There are so many things I can tell you when it comes to High School...

You are going to have to manage your time better. Always organize everything the night before, so that you're not rushing around the next morning. I can help you, but you need to learn how to do more on your own.

Bullies are always going to be a thing, whether they go after you or someone you know. You're either going to ignore them, or put into practice what your father taught and trained you to do. But hopefully, it won't come to that.

Social Media isn't quite something I would like you to be a part of, for obvious reasons. It's not because I don't trust you, you've always proven yourself. I find people on there to be toxic or just plain inappropriate. But I would like to be a part of that journey. Just because others have it, doesn't mean you have to have it.

And do as much as you can to learn from your classes, even picking up different books and absorbing any kind of information that's given to you. Learn as much as you can, you can never know too much.

But aside from all of that, High School is going to be a whole new experience that I know you are more then ready for.

Just know that...

We LOVE you unconditionally

We NOTICE everything about you

We ENJOY learning about what you have to share

We CHERISH every moment with you

We HOPE that you are Happy

We will SUPPORT you no matter what

We BELIEVE in you

We are PROUD of you

And we PROMISE to always be here for you...

YOURS SINCERELY

Mum..."

Sealed in an envelope with a couple of chocolates, given with a gift-wrapped book and two flax flowers from my mother's day bouquet, I handed them to her the next morning.

She gave me one of the biggest hugs I've ever gotten from her, and her eyes were red from crying.

By putting those words into a Letter, I immortalized an important message that I wanted my daughter to be able to read whenever she needed it.

And I was so glad that I was able to convey the way she made me feel being her parent...

[shinra-makonoid]

I came out of this day a bit depressed and I'm not sure exactly why. We had a whole talk about palliative care and all, but as soon as I said that I have graduated after 2 years of studying, I felt incredibly diminished as a person. I am very vulnerable about this, and I wish I could explain why it happens in such a way (it's a mix of circonstances, money, being homeless then, psychiatric issues) but I don't really want to. I hate having that complex about myself, and it's not like not having a lot of diploma is a bad thing (it doesn't mean much about a person, proof is, I saw dumbasses having PhDs), but I think I feel that way because I'm majoritarily surrounded by people with more diplomas than I have, I guess? Even in my work. It's a real suffering, and a weird one, because it's not like anyone really makes me feel that way either for real. I imagine people look at me differently but it doesn't mean they do. I also am afraid constantly about the team feeling like I'm an outsider that is problematic, I try as much as I can to be open, polite and in general not take too much place anywhere, because I really really don't want to make them uncomfortable or cause issues.

The sadness I felt could also be the build up from tiredness (this is extremely tiring for me, despite the fact that I don't really do anything at all during the day except smile through my mask, say hello, nod and listen listen listen, obviously I ask a bunch of questions and read stuff but like... Yeah lmao). Which I guess should be taking into account, if I'm tired for 2 days, maybe it means I won't have the strenght to actually do it at all? But it could also be because I'm not having enough calories compared to the energy needed to go through a whole day either (and I ate more these past days due to that effect, I have to walk 1h40 a day just for transportation, and it's not all flat, so just that is demanding, and then there's a lot more walking included during the day too, etc). It could also be the general depression I feel these days, so idk. I wake up earlier than my alarm, and I do feel rested, it's just during the day that it's harder, and when I come home my whole body is tired.

And finally it could just be the patients. Like, some being in a very bad state, especially when you see the families, is heartbreaking, and I don't know those people at all but I know their sadness. Some patients are very lonely and you can see the sadness creasing deep their face. I don't think I've ever saw such expressive faces before. I never focused so much on how people look, but the doctor asks me how I feel patients are, so I'm very focused on that. If they can't talk, you have to look at their face to see whether they're in pain or not, if their body are comfortable or not, etc. Some are really endearing in their own way. Today one patient left (alive) and she was a very "fighting" patient, non compliant and all, but she was a scared old lady dealing with her shit like she can and in one day and a half I got attached to that old lady because I listened to her rant about how "covid is dumb" and that "youngsters today are always tired", you know?

"Funny" thing is that the tiredness and the depression only comes when I'm out of the hospital. It's like when I'm super stressed at work and I feel right, up until I'm in my home where I just roll in a ball and panic. I have to be very mindful of this, but I don't really know how, could be the tiredness that makes it all explodes too, I was pretty much fine during my meal today for ex.

I had my first internship day for palliative care and it was really interesting. Because they're less under pressure to deal with patients, the doctor had time to explain to me each patients, their issues, their meds, and understand better the function of the structure.

It was also very interesting to be on the side of doctors, dealing with (often ngl) very unreasonable families of patients (which is very understandable). And the communication issues between structures and inside the structure. Palliative care is social by nature so there's a lot of actors playing inside of it.

[letarasstuff]

Ranting

(A/N): This was requested by an anon, I hope you like it :)

Summary: In the middle of midterms, Spencer's daughter has enough and for the first time in her life, she rants to the team

Warnings: one swear word, school, school stress, mental breakdown, shitty friends, a bit of angst (but there is fluff to balance that out), weird grammatical sentences that are according to google correct

Wordcount: 2.3k

✨Masterlist✨ _____________________________ As a teenager, Spencer was pretty closed off. But this had several reasons, like being a child (or moreover a teen prodigy) at college and getting his first Ph.D, or that he hadn’t had a safety net of people he could have gone to. So as he became a father himself, he tried everything possible to assure his own daughter that her feelings and thoughts are always welcome and valid.

Unfortunately (Y/N) herself has developed the same habit starting high school and ever since Spencer can’t do anything to get her to open up to him. It’s not like they don’t have a good relationship, they have one of the strongest father-daughter bonds the BAU has ever witnessed. The girl simply has other ways to cope with her feelings and how to act them out in the safety of her own four walls. Her father learned to accept it, knowing that he can’t and won’t force her to talk to him.

So what follows now not only shocked Spencer. But also his work family.

It’s the time every teen in high school dreads: Midterms.

A word a teacher can mutter and a shiver goes through the rows of students in the classroom. Or at least it feels like it to (Y/N). She takes her school work very seriously. In her mind every single grade determines her future.

The rational part in her knows that the grades in her sophomore year doesn’t matter. That they are even long forgotten when she graduates. There is just so much pressure on her. But it isn’t coming from her father.

Spencer is pretty laid-back regarding school. He knows his daughter is trying her best and that it’s just the tenth grade and not the end of the world. School is not everything life has to offer, especially he has to know it as a scholar and profiler flying through the country in a jet back and forth.

It’s (Y/N)’s classmates, who pressure her to get good grades.

“We depend on you and your notes”, Tyler exclaims as he jogs next to her through the busy hallway. “Ty, I know. But I don’t have the time to get them done for all of you to understand by tomorrow. They are still a mess that only I know to see through. I still have to finish my history project and I go to my Dad’s work this afternoon, which means I won’t get much done and I still have to do the homework I got today before sorting my notes for the test in two days.”

At her locker, the boy still doesn’t let go of the subject. “Do you want to say that our grades don’t matter as much as yours? Because this would be a true selfish statement.” Maybe it is the lack of sleep, because she pulled three all-nighters in two weeks, or the fact that she is slowly getting fed up being treated like an unpaid private teacher, but (Y/N) can’t stop her sassy answer. “Tyler, you wouldn't even know how to tell apart your ass from your head if it weren’t for me and my help in biology. You wouldn’t even know how to spell selfish if I didn’t let you copy my answers in spelling tests in elementary school.”

Done with the day and her friend’s shit, she slams the door of her locker shut and leaves a flabbergasted boy behind. Half an hour later the teenager enters the bullpen with her visitor badge clipped to the pocket of her sweater.

On the way there she was fuming. The audacity of her friends. It’s not only Tyler, who tried to get her notes of a unit, she was the only one listening, even though the teacher said loud and clear that this will be important for midterms. A few other friends out of the group she usually hangs out with texted her the same question of when her notes will be given to them. Understandably, (Y/N) comes into the office in the worst mood anyone from the team ever saw, including her own father.

“Hey Sweetheart”, he tries to greet her with a hug. Even though both of them are not big on touch, they are extra affectionate with people they are close to.

To everybody’s surprise, the girl takes a step back, effectively avoiding his open arms. “Hey”, she grumbles out before taking a seat in the chair already waiting for her. Nobody is allowed to sit in this one, except for her. Not even Derek has ever put his butt on this one, knowing the sacredness of it.

Without sparing anyone another glance, (Y/N) gets the needed stuff for that history project out and continues working on it. The team resorts to throwing a questiongly look to Spencer, who shrugs his shoulders with a look of despair. So everyone resumes their work without even daring to say a word.

The general silence is occasionally broken by an unnerved sigh leaving the teenager’s lips. “Is the conference room occupied?” She asks, her voice clearly showing how annoyed she is. Her father shakes his head. “No, not that I know of. Do you need help with your school work?” This is obviously the wrong thing to say. “Do I look like a baby? I don’t need anyone to help with that, I have been going to school for ten years now, I think I can handle this project as perfectly fine as I did since day one. It’s just your keyboard typing that will be the reason for my first grey hairs if I don’t get out of here soon.”

Quickly (Y/N) gathers her stuff and storms off into the conference room. Immediately the team crowds her father’s desk. “What happened?” “Who hurt her?” “Go, talk to her!”

“Guys, I don’t know what’s going on. I’m at the same loss as all of you. The only thing I know is that (Y/N) is under pressure, because it’s midterms. But judging by the way she reacted, I don’t want to go near her. It’s safer to try to defuse a bomb than talk to her in that mood. Last time I saw something similar, her favorite show was declared finished, got a revival and then didn’t get one and nobody mentioned it again. She was so mad, I think it took three years of her life.” A silence of uncertainty spreads through the room.

“What about we give her some room until she calms down?” JJ suggests, being unsure herself how to deal with a teenage girl. But the rest agrees and goes back to filling out their paperwork.

This continues for about 20 minutes, till a loud bang and a frustrated scream is heard followed by “DON’T THEY WANT TO GET IT OR ARE THEY JUST STUPID?!” Alerted by that, seven people (yes, even Dave and Aaron leave their offices, while Penelope was already in the bullpen) storm into the round table room only to see a more than outraged (Y/N).

“Sweetheart”, Spencer speaks to her in the gentlest voice they ever heard from him and slowly moves towards his daughter, “What’s going on?”

Her response is delayed by several deep breaths she has to take in order to be able to talk without seething. “ALL OF MY SO CALLED FRIENDS ARE ASKING ME FOR MY NOTES, like do I look like a personal tutor? And when I tell them that I got a life, a life outside of school and grades, because otherwise I go completely bananas, just like all of you say, they get mad. Now they act like I’m the most selfish person in the whole world. I’m so done, can’t they understand that they are old enough to take care of their own stuff? I’m not responsible for them, their grades or anything regarding their lives. Otherwise I would be the mother of at least four toddlers and one baby and at the age of sixteen I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility. I know friends are there for eachother, and I really don’t mind helping them from time to time. But what they are doing is terror. Terror.

“Oh and don’t get me started on their tormention if I get something lower than an A-. Then they suddenly transform into geniuses, like they suddenly know everything possible. Of course, I’m the dumb one. I should have studied more.

“I am under an insane amount of pressure, because I know they rely on me, but enough is enough. I tell them that if anyone asks me for anything school related again and they act like I owe them an answer, I’ll cut off all ties to all of them. What am I, a roboter just there for their needs, without some of my own?”

After her long rant, (Y/N) takes a couple more breaths. It’s pretty much the only sound right now, because the team is stunned. None of them heard her talking, no ranting, like that. Not even her Spencer has seen her like that.

Realizing what she just said, the teenager fidgets nervously with her hands. “I’m, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, you know, blow up like that. I, I really don’t know where this came from.” Nervously she scratches the back of her head. It really wasn’t her intention to let it out like that. Her plan was just to come home tonight and deal in the confinement of her own four walls with all of her feelings. It’s easier to be honest to yourself when you are alone than having an audience watching you losing it.

Suddenly (Y/N) finds herself engulfed in a massive bear hug. “Oh, my sweet sweet summerchild. You needed to rant to us and I’m so happy you did. Even though your uhm, friends, sound like big douchebags, we can help you sort something out”, Penelope tells her while keeping her arms around the teen.

“Just like lil mama said, we are here for you, Baby Reid. Don’t ever be afraid to tell us something, may it even be as small as you having stubbed your toe.” Morgan ruffles her hair and gives her a reassuring smile.

Just like them everybody shows her their support, be it encouraging words or affectionately gestures. Rossi invites her to a calm and quiet dinner at his mansion, cooking class included. Hotch assures her that she will get through this rough patch, with or without these fake people. JJ suggests (Y/N) comes over to her home and she can participate in a family game night at their home.

When it’s Emily’s turn, she makes sure to get her message loud and clear by looking the teen in the eyes (not as deep as it sounds, because some people make an intense stare really uncomfortable): “If those kids give you a hard time again, tell me. I’ll pay them a visit in classic protective godmother fashion, because nobody traits MY godchild like this. Just give me their names and I’ll handle the rest.” Obviously she doesn’t say this aloud in front of everyone, else Hotch will have her head, knowing she goes through with her threats. Instead she whispers it into the teen’s ear. Still, it makes (Y/N) smile, having such a strong support net.

Sensing the family’s need for time of their own to talk about the whole situation, the team leaves the room. Spencer gestures to her to take a seat after moving two chairs opposite each other. He wants her not to feel trapped.

“Do you still want to talk about it? It doesn’t have to be now, we can do it tonight, tomorrow, in a week or in a month. Just, please don’t shut me out. I know it’s difficult to be a teenager, especially in times like these. But it won’t do you any good keeping all of this for yourself. Today you took it out through anger. How will it look next time?

I don’t want to pressure you into talking. We don’t need to. We can find other coping mechanisms. We can try and reduce your stress. Anything. But we both know that this is not the right way.” While speaking, he takes his daughter’s hand, making her look up to him.

(Y/N) nods. Her eyes fill with tears. “I just can’t keep going like this.” She whispers, feeling all the stress, pressure and the intensity of the last few weeks crashing down on her. Quickly Spencer gathers her in his arms, letting her cry in his embrace.

After calming down, she looks up to her father with bloodshot eyes. “We can talk tonight. But I need you to do me a favor.” “Anything”, he assures her, stroking a hand along her back. “I, uhm, I need a new phone. I may or may not have thrown mine against the wall after getting a text from Tyler.”

Spencer looks at the crooked cell laying on the floor, the screen cracked. “I think we can get that sorted”, he tells her with a smile and gives her a kiss on the forehead.

The two of them leave the office earlier, having many things to talk about and many problems to solve. But with the help of her family (Y/N) gets through this, a time where people unfortunately only like her for her smarts and not being herself.

Taglist:

All works:

@dindjarinsspouse @big-galaxy-chaos @jswessie187 @kneelforloki

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl @herecomesthewriterwitch @ash19871962 @ellyhotchner