#but i always had sensory issues and fixations and stuff going on

[i-used-to-be-a-spy]

New Autistic Michael Westen Master Post

A) Special Interest

Michael's fixation on being a spy and getting his job back is def in special interest territory bc he values it A LOT. In the books, it's mentioned he blew stuff up just for fun as a kid to experiment and to get attention from his parents so spy shenanigans has always been an interest of his

B) Justice is something Michael feels very strongly about. He doesn't hesitate to help the little guy or families or anybody else who needs his help even tho he'll complain when it isnt convenient (which reminds me of Entrapta, a canon autistic character on a show, who gets annoyed when interrupted from her special interest inventing). Even when injured, he'll still help people. Michael wants to feel like he's a part of good in the world, helping right wrongs

C) Michael and relationships

He struggles maintaining deep relationships and doesn't always understand what people want from him. This is partly due to him struggling with processing his own emotions like for example his desire to be with Fi versus his desire to not see her harmed by being close to him.

He has a lot of miscommunications with his family over the years (not necessarily all his fault) and he doesn't know how to bridge the gap at first. Like how Maddie was mad at him for not reaching out on her bday but turns out he was in a hospital and it simply didn't occur to him to explain that

A great example of Michael not realizing how much he means to his friends is when he so readily believes they have abandoned him when Larry made it seem like they had to manipulate him.

D) Not understanding social norms and social queues or hierarchy

This is part of his problem up above but it deserves it's own section. A great example is when Sam asks for advice about marrying the love of his life and Michael says yes and then no and is just exasperated by what Sam wants from him

Michael simply doesn't give a shit about social hierarchies and will go straight through them to get shit done like when he talks back to the frickin head of the CIA in season 7

E) Most likely as a survival tactic growing up in an abusive household, Michael's ability to Mask and appear neurotypical while Undercover is a great example. He knows the human mind well and his friends are always shocked by how he's able to read strangers well but not his close friends and family. Michael is able to imitate people he's around well at least for the job

F) Repetitive behaviors & Sensory issues

Michael has at least two safe foods: yogurt and tuna tahini. We also know he likes spicy foods that have been mentioned throughout the show so he's likely a sensory seeking autistic.

He also really liked a deep pressure massage he got during a cover cause the bad guy had paid for the hour. Many autistics respond well to deep pressure even when they don't like light touch (Michael often seems touch averse outside of Fiona) which part of that is from being a spy but I think it's not liking unexpected touch (I myself like people to ask first then I like touch!)

There is another reason Michael may always wear sunglasses: autistics are more likely to have light sensitive eyes so the sun could be painful for him. He also has his fav particular glasses he wears which is part of his routine

G) Personality

Michael has a pretty stoic personality. He doesn't tend to have huge macro facial expressions when not undercover. It's the smaller smiles or tightening muscles around his eyes or a single raised eyebrow or throwing his head back that says how he's feeling. He also tends to not laugh loudly or out loud except for rare occasions. His humor is dry and sarcastic like many autistics

H) Demisexual

I do see Michael as existing on the asexual spectrum. He describes his attraction to Fi and also how he's never felt that way with anyone else in both the show and books. Demisexuals experience sexual attraction after forming a bond with people and I think that describes Michael well. He literally has hot women flirting with him all the time, especially villains, and he doesn't bat an eye or get tempted bc he's simply not into them.

And even tho he is attracted to Fi, he isn't always immediately as into sex as she always is like when she jumps his bones when he comes home from missions in season 5 look at his face as he tries to convince her to stop. Altho he gets into it eventually 😉

Many autistics are ace altho not every autistic is!

I) overwhelmed episodes

Michael tends to not process his emotions until something really big happens that pushes him over the edge like when he considers shooting himself after Victor is killed bc solving his burn notice seems impossible or when he finally has to process that Fi is gone

J) Smarts

Many autistics are gifted in a specific area and I do think Michael's tactical mind comes from his autism

Have a photo of Michael's smile after Sam compliments his brains :)

The End

Thanks for reading 😁

[cain-speaks]

✨ 𝙍𝙀𝘿𝙎𝙊𝙉, 𝙎𝙄𝙓-𝙀𝘼𝙍𝙀𝘿 𝙈𝘼𝘾𝘼𝙌𝙐𝙀, & 𝙒𝙐𝙆𝙊𝙉𝙂 𝙒𝙄𝙏𝙃 𝘼𝙉 𝘼𝘿𝙃𝘿 𝙎/𝙊 ✨|| Various x Reader

» three-thirty (AJR) « 0:45 ─〇───── 4:07

╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝❀╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗ AUTHOR'S NOTE ╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗❀╔⏤⏤⏤╝ ➤ These are headcanons. ➤ This is romantic. ➤ Reader is afab & uses she/her! ➤ I don't think I went as in depth as I could have been I still hope it's accurate and you enjoy it! ➤ TRIGGER WARNINGS include profanity, a little bit of angst, and minor violence. ➤ Word count: 1,325

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

❝ You wanna skip it if it's wordy, but fit the whole song in three-thirty .❞

╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝❀╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗ 🔥 REDSON 🔥 ╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗❀╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝ ➤ Before he finds out you have ADHD, I imagine he's confused by your behavior at best, and frustrated by it at worst.

➤ Your daydreaming and procrastination can be annoying for him (who's always about work, work, work), and when you're talking to him about your fixations, he either gets irritated because he has no idea what you're talking about or because he thinks you're making fun of him since he often rambles about his inventions even if no one's listening.

➤ He just doesn't understand why you're doing those things and neither do you. It causes a lot of struggles for you both, leading to shit communication and hurt feelings.

➤ When you're finally diagnosed, Redson listens very closely. Things are starting to make sense, but you still don't have as much information as he'd like. He researches ADHD in AFAB people on his own time (and rages quite a few times that there's so little information compared to ADHD in AMAB), but he finally understands by the end of it.

➤ And boy does he feel shitty.

➤ The idea that he blew up at you for things out of your control makes him feel ashamed, especially when some of those things (like info-dumping) are signs of affection. So you don't see him for a while, partially due to some unhealthy self-punishment on his end and also because he's trying to come up with a solution; that being a way to make it up to you, of course, not "fix" you.

➤ When Redson stops avoiding you, he takes you out on a date with all your favorite activities and thoroughly apologizes to you. He promises to change his behaviors to accommodate and support you.

➤ (Which might have made you cry, considering you've always been treated like you're the problem.)

➤ True to his word, Redson changes a lot. He leaves little notes for you as reminders, sets alarms for you, helps you finish or do tasks you don't have the energy for, etc. He even starts encouraging your fixation rambles, reading up on the source material so he can ask questions.

➤ He also does his very best to read up on masking and burnout so he can a.) keep you from going there or b.) recognize the signs when you are there and help you. I like to imagine he made a sensory room for you that has all your favorite stuff and you can just go there to chill and unwind.

➤ He's also super protective over you. If people make fun of your stims, say you talk a lot, undermine your sensory issues, etc., he will DESTROY them. No way in hell is he letting you be disrespected like that. Verbal smackdown, here we come.

➤ Ultimately, it's a learning process. But it's one he's more than willing to thoroughly explore for you.

╔⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╝❀╚⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╗ 🔮 SIX-EARED MACAQUE 🔮 ╚⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╗❀╔⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╝ ➤ HONESTLY I headcanon Macaque as autistic so I feel like he sorta had an inkling that you were ADHD before you did.

➤ Probably made jokes like "it's the ADHD lol" for certain behaviors until you decided to do some research on it and were like "🧍‍♂️ yeah so—"

➤ Not surprised at all when you're diagnosed obviously. He uses the opportunity to show you a lot of coping mechanisms he's learned (though some have to be tweaked for your needs since autism isn't ADHD lol), and even begins to unmask more around you.

➤ Since Macaque thrives under routine/structure, he often handles reminders. He also keeps you on track, verbally and physically, if you have stuff to do. ALSO is super on you about food, since he likes cooking.

➤ Macaque's experienced dozens of burnouts in his long life, so he knows how awful they are. He can sniff out a burnout a mile away so I'd like to think that you don't experience many while with him. The dojo's pretty chill like 90% of the time due to his own sensory issues so it's a good place to unwind and relax.

➤ You guys have picked up so many phrases from each other. He'll be working on a script for a shadowplay while you're cleaning and he'll just hear you laugh and go, "wow, didn't see that one comin'." It definitely flusters him that he's part of your echolalia.

➤ Macaque rambles to you about theatrical pieces from various cultures. If you introduce him to new ones, tell him something he doesn't know about a piece he's already familar with, etc. he'll kiss you istg. Anyway this is to say the feeling is obviously mutual and he probably ends up getting into some of the stuff you tell him about!

➤ You guys mutually bully each other lmao. You'll be trying to do some work, get to talking to him about whatever comes to you, and then suddenly it's three hours later. You're like "FUCK" meanwhile he just laughs at you (you get him back, of course, and it's all in good fun).

➤ He barely thinks beating anyone who talks shit is an overreaction, but if you don't like it then you'll just have a clone stick around in your shadow or smth and scare the shit out of anyone who decides to open their mouth.

➤ In summary, Macaque is very helpful and teaches you coping skills when it comes to sensory issues + overload.

╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝❀╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗ 🍑 SUN WUKONG 🍑 ╚⏤⏤⏤⏤╗❀╔⏤⏤⏤⏤╝ ➤ First off, I headcanon Wukong as ADHD, too.

➤ With that said, I feel like Wukong just. Assumed you knew you were ADHD and rolled with it.

➤ Like you guys constantly quoted/repeated stuff and stimmed at/with each other. You'd get in loops. You'd adapt each other's phrases/stims. Neurotypicals don't do that.

➤ It's genuinely amusing thinking about you two just repeating the same things at each other. It's such a serotonin boost and it makes you both laugh. Same for when you stim together, especially hand-flapping and jumping up and down.

➤ You're both trash at remembering stuff but fortunately you seem to have an awful lot of capacity for the other. Meaning you remind Wukong he has a session with MK today because he forgot, and he reminds you that you agreed to make noodles with Pigsy today because you forgot.

➤ I don't think remembering to eat or drink is a big problem for you, since Wukong is a big comfort eater and shares his snacks with you so you kinda just,, roll with it lol.

➤ Wukong has a bunch of homemade stim tools. Once he sees that you're interested, he makes some more for you. Even after your diagnosis, you don't try "professionally" made stim toys—you just don't need them when Wukong's work so well.

➤ You guys spend hours talking about your interests, ping-ponging off each other. Like "OH did you know x?" "NO but did you hear about x?" x1000.

➤ You guys also bully each other. Like "hey Great Sage you forgot do the dishes again you crusty bitch" "says the dumbass who started folding laundry and then did a fashion show with the monkeys".

➤ Like Macaque, Wukong's had his fair share of burnouts. Unfortunately, he's not super good at preventing them or even realizing he's in them until it's been a few months, but you guys take care of each other if the other is struggling. You're also very aware of the other's limits so if one of you is pushing it, you can help each other step back.

➤ He's a talk shit get hit kinda guy, sorry. He barely leaves the mountain as is, so if during one of the few times someone decides to be a dick while you guys are stimming together? He'll hold back just enough, but he has no sympathy if their nose breaks.

➤ Basically nothing changes after you get diagnosed lol. You and Wukong are very happy ADHD gremlins who are celebrating your neurodivergency :)

❝ I thought I had the ADHD, but that's a real thing (and I'm just lazy) .❞

[amysubmits]

do you have any thoughts on how things like Autism and ADHD can play a positive and/or negative role in relationships and sexual interactions especially in the BDSM D/s dynamic?

Hi :)

I have ADHD, we used to think CD also had ADHD as he was diagnosed with it previously, but we recently learned he was misdiagnosed.

We both have some autistic traits, but I don't think either of us likely qualify for the diagnosis. I find development really interesting so I've sort of been interested in learning about autism since I was in high school...but I don't know nearly as much as many other people. Anyway, I know some about both but I only really have experience with ADHD so this will be more ADHD focused and any of the autism stuff should be taken with a grain of salt.

Some positives that come to mind:

Clear communication. I think people with autism and/or ADHD both tend to be more literal and direct rather than speaking vaguely or in metaphors. I think there is a lot of benefit to having really clear communication in kink or d/s. It just lowers the risk of miscommunication and can increase intimacy which can be a really awesome thing, too.

ADHD can come with hyperfocus which can make BDSM or D/s experiences really enhanced if they're super locked in to the experience.

Passion. Whether it's hyperfocus in ADHD or special interests in autism, both groups can be really passionate about the things they are interested in. If one of those interests or fixations is BDSM or D/s, they can do a really great job of researching thoroughly and learning a lot, which can lead to better educated and ultimately safer interactions and relationships.

The ability to fully "unmask" can be really healing. I think the nature of BDSM and D/s can allow people to be more "themselves" than they might feel they can be in other relationships or situations. With kink not really being the most socially acceptable thing, by exploring kink, we're sort of rejecting some of society's expectations for us. Instead of asking what our relationships 'should' be like or what our bedroom play 'should' include, we can instead ask ourselves what we want and what is healthy for us and so on, and customize our relationships and intimate interactions based on those. And I think taking that same basic idea of...I'm going to set my goals and expectations based on what I actually want, what really works for me/us, etc - is a really good way to approach life in general when you have neurodivergence. Or if you don't, haha. But especially if you do! Cause we can't fit in the neurotypical box. I've found a lot of healing through d/s this last year. I should write about that!

Some mixed:

Almost everyone with autism (google says 90%), and around 40% of people with ADHD, also have sensory processing disorder. Which has pros and cons in my mind. Because on one hand, if someone is sensory seeking in certain ways, BDSM may be a great way to get the sensory input they like or need. On the other hand, people with sensory issues may have more sensory related hard limits or triggers that need to be worked around.

Some negatives:

Lots of people with ADHD (and I'd think maybe autism as well?) have regularly been criticized for their shortcomings. I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who had ADHD as a kid, especially if it wasn't diagnosed young, but probably even if it was - who don't have insecurities that were caused by unfair/unreasonable criticism. Although most everyone knows about ADHD, it's still not well understood. I was diagnosed at 13 or 14 but have just started to really understand what ADHD looks like for me this past year! For a long time I thought I was misdiagnosed because my experiences didn't mirror examples of ADHD that I had always seen/heard. Anyway, I feel like most people think ADHD means being hyper and not paying attention to the teacher in school, and "...squirrel!" right? but not everyone with ADHD has hyperactivity and even those who have the hyperactive type, often have a lot of other types of symptoms that most people don't recognize as being ADHD symptoms. Like sensory issues, memory issues, difficulty with task initiation, other forms of executive function, rejection sensitive dysphoria, impulsivity. And due to that lack of understanding and sort of...ableism, I guess, I think a lot of ADHD people have wounds related to being treated as if we chose to do things poorly or were careless, even though we did our best. Most of us have experiences of being criticized as if we were making immoral choices, when in reality we had shortcomings that we couldn't overcome on our own. And when you grow up experiencing that a lot, it seeps into your view of yourself and makes you insecure and sensitive to criticism. If you have that sort of wound, it can make D/s challenging because accepting respectful criticism or critiques are part of d/s on both sides of the slash.

Most people with ADHD experience rejection-sensitive dysphoria, similar to what I stated above. But yeah this can make it hard to accept criticism and not get defensive or overly hurt, which can make being submissive tough in some situations.

With SPD, that sometimes includes auditory processing issues which can make verbal communication more challenging. This could potentially be dangerous if a sub says the safeword and the dom has auditory processing issues and doesn't immediately process/understand what was said. In other situations it may just make communication harder.

I'm sure there's lots more, but hope this is a decent start. I'd love to see people with ASD or ADHD or both comment with their experiences. :)

[exospherethoughts]

Of all people I think you would be the one to understand, but I can't talk to you about this (partially because I'm afraid to talk about this to anyone, really, but also partially because this absolutely constitutes emotional vulnerability, and you don't seem to be interested in that anymore).

I think I might have OCD. I'm not sure, and I need to bring it up with both my therapist and my psychiatrist, but I've done so so so much reading and scrolled through some places where people with OCD talk about their experiences, and it's terrifying to me how much I can relate to it. I'm guessing I would fall into the somatic and contamination subcategories of OCD, since the main things that tipped me off to OCD were related to my cardiac issues and my fixation on cleanliness and organization.

It never crossed my mind that OCD was even a possibility for me, because the cleanliness and organization stuff almost felt too stereotypically OCD to count, and I brushed off the somatic stuff as health anxiety. But the way it manifests lines up with the descriptions of OCD that I've been reading.

On the somatic side, I think it was triggered by the start of my heart problems last summer. I've always had health anxiety, and it's hard to squash it because I've been right on several occasions (like the cancer!), but ever since the first few cardiac symptoms arose, it's been unbearable. Even though the main tests (stress test, echo, ECG) have come back fairly normal, there is definitely something wrong (the doctors agree with me on that front), but I should be able to be calm because the chances of it being life threatening if all those tests are normal is extremely low. Yet every time my heart skips a beat, every time it spasms, every time it starts beating too quickly or too slowly, every slight pain in my chest, every time my breathing feels a little too pressured, I start spiralling into wondering "is it going to be a heart attack this time" and become hyperaware of my heartbeat. Sometimes it happens even when my heart doesn't do anything strange, I just start spiralling and feel my heart beating in my entire body, and I try to use logic to get myself to calm down, but I can't. And so I keep checking my heartrate, I use the ECG function on my watch despite knowing it's not that accurate, I go to a public space so I won't be alone if I collapse or something, etc etc. And even doing those things doesn't alleviate the incessant anxiety and thought spiral in my head. The only thing that genuinely makes my mind go quiet when I get into that headspace is being in an ER surrounded by doctors. But I can't go to the ER every single time the slightest thing happens, it's an irresponsible usage of their resources and a massive waste of time and it's irrational. So I end up ridiculously anxious and overwhelmed and unable to do the one thing my body is screaming at me to do to get my mind to be quiet. It's torture, I'm plagued by anxiety that wants to spill over into panic more often than not, and I can't get away from my heart beating. There's no escaping it.

The cleanliness one I attributed to my ADHD for a long time, but I'm starting to wonder if it really is an ADHD thing or if it's indicative of OCD. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by anxiety just sitting in my room, and it could be fairly organized or clean, but the anxiety will hit anyways. And I'll be acutely aware of every piece of dust, all the clutter in my room, the slightest feeling of sweat or grime on my body, every scent and visible thing out of place. It can get so bad that I have panic attacks, I feel like tearing my hair out or scratching off my skin and want to climb out of my body and get out of my room (but going outside oftentimes doesn't help-- I end up getting overwhelmed by the sensory stimuli and my clothes and skin and hair will feel dirty and I'll have the added stressor of being perceived by other people). Then I end up either paralyzed by panic and have a severe breakdown, or I clean. I clean and I clean and I clean. I sweep and wash the floors, I do the dishes, I wash my fridge, I throw out any food that is even a little too old, I clean the cupboards, I wash the sinks, I clean the toilet, I wash my sheets and do the laundry, I change my clothes, I clean everything. It wastes so much time. And then I clean myself, I shower and scrub my skin until it's raw, I brush my teeth, I wash my face and pick at every little pore until my face is red and bleeding, I wash my hair until it feels free of every smidgen of grease, and then I put on clean clothes. Only then does the panic properly subside.

On the clothes front, in the mornings when I'm getting dressed, I thought this was just a funny little quirk, but I sometimes will waste an hour or more just trying to find the "right" outfit. Clothing that I adore will just feel "wrong", it'll bother me in a sensory way or it'll just feel off or I'll feel gross wearing it, and if I don't keep changing until I find something that feels "right", it'll ruin my day. I'll keep thinking about it even though I don't want to, my mood will be off all day, my anxiety will be heightened, and it never feels like anything helps except for finding a different outfit. Once in high school it was so bad that I was at school, and in the middle of the day whatever I was wearing felt so *wrong* that I went to three different thrift stores trying to find a sweater to wear that would be comfortable, and eventually I found one for $8 and bought it and put it on without washing it, since you know, I was supposed to be at school. It was entirely irrational: it was a waste of money, I never wore it again after that day, all I had to do was wait 3 hours and I'd have been at home and able to change into something else, and there was nothing objectively wrong with what I was wearing that day. But because of whatever got into my head, finding a sweater and wearing it felt like the only option.

Then there's the organizational and perfectionism stuff. I get so focused on needing everything to be in place and aligned and perfect (whether it's the layout and format of notetaking, file organization on my laptop, organizing my music library and playlists and having extra music that I don't listen to cluttering it, things in my room and in drawers or cupboards, the food in my fridge and freezer, course planning for academics, planning entire parts of my career, etc etc). It interferes with my life so much, I fall behind in classes because I feel like I can't do the work if everything isn't perfectly organized and colour coded and labelled. I stop listening to music I actually want to listen to because I feel like I have to listen to all my music in order and organize it before I'm "allowed" to listen to stuff I'm in the mood for. And if I don't do said organizational things, I can't stop thinking about it. No matter what I try to distract myself with. The same goes for handing in assignments, if I don't do it perfectly and put in 100% effort on every single part, I feel like I cannot submit it, even though it's irrational to submit nothing and get a 0 than to just submit whatever I have at the deadline. I can't force myself to half-ass anything because my brain just refuses, even if it's a logical course of action in order to manage my time or prioritize things based on importance. There's even the meta-process of wanting to figure out every single little thought and process in my mind (which I think is fairly obvious by this whole bloody ramble in and of itself...).

Sometimes this happens with clutter in my spaces, much like with the cleaning, and I'll get this intense need to declutter and end up throwing out a ton of stuff, even if it's stuff I should have kept. If I don't do it (and usually the only reason I don't is because the chronic fatigue can get so bad that I cannot physically get myself to do anything), I end up having a panic attack and my mind won't leave me alone no matter what I try to do.

Or another one I recently realized, it's silly but my shoelaces. No matter what type of shoes I'm wearing (although there's only really one pair of shoes I like wearing), the laces have to be even when I tie them. The way I knot them is specific and I cannot do it any other way, and while I'm knotting them, the two loose ends (not the loops) have to end up being even in length. If they aren't then it will plague my mind and cause me so much anxiety until I fix them. It doesn't bother me most of the time because I've gotten extremely good at tying my shoes fast enough that most people wouldn't notice while still getting them exactly the same length, but there's one person who does notice and point it out (and has my entire life), and these days they leave me alone and let me tie my shoes how I need to, but they used to sometimes pull at the laces and force me to wear them uneven because they thought it was funny and thought I was being weird and difficult for wanting them tied a certain way. I would usually end up crying and feeling overwhelmed, and get into the meta thought spiral of feeling ashamed and confused about my intense reaction to something as stupid as shoe laces.

Then there's the relationship OCD theme that I relate to way too fucking much for my comfort. Labelling my thought processes as just "anxious attachment", or blaming it all on past unhealthy relationship experiences, never quite felt like it was really enough to explain the ridiculously intense thought spirals, anxiety, panic, and urges to find reassurance or ask questions. Even in a healthy relationship I spend so so so much time thinking about things I don't want to think about (and they have no rational basis), like constantly wondering if my partner really cares, hyperfixating on specific interactions or conversations and spending hours (days) picking them apart and trying to figure out if something had a hidden meaning or if I'm remembering it correctly, questioning if they like me or not, wondering what parts of me they find annoying, doubting that they really meant anything kind they've said to me, etc etc. And the only way I can get any relief is to seek out reassurance, so I'll hunt down mutual friends to see if I can extract any information whatsoever about what my partner has said about me (although even if I find anything out that way, I end up doubting the truth of that too because what if they lied to that friend?), or I'll compare behaviours and events from a current relationship to a past one, or I'll spend hours thinking about good memories with said partner to try and catch the feeling of certainty I had at the time, or I'll ask them repeatedly if I'm good enough / if they love me / if they think I'm pretty / if they actually enjoy spending time with me, or I'll tell them they deserve better (and I've gotten better at not asking these questions as often anymore, but I used to act on this multiple times a day, and even now I have the intense urge to do so at any time I'm not physically next to my partner, and even then I often have the urge to ask anyways). It's torturous and it ruined so many happy memories for me because (even though I was SCREAMING at myself not to), I would spend so much time stuck in my head going into spirals while I was with you. I wanted desperately to just be comfortable and enjoy myself, and sometimes I managed to, but far too often I would be sitting right next to you and spending every ounce of mental energy I had to stop myself from asking if you really wanted to be there (and to not show how distressing it was to be stuck in a meta spiral about wanting to not be distressed and distracted while spending limited time with you). I hated myself for it. I still do. And the second you would leave my sight, I would start doubting *everything*. I would start twisting the memories in my head, questioning if I misread your body language or tone, wondering if you really wanted to be there, thinking maybe I made it all up and you didn't actually want me at all, asking myself if maybe you were reluctant and I was pushing you to hold hands or kiss me or talk to me, it never stopped. It still hasn't stopped. I can't get my mind to stop. I don't want to be like this, I don't want to think these things, it is *killing* me, it is exhausting. But no amount of logic or talking to a friend helps. Nothing helps. I know talking to you directly about it would help... for the duration of the conversation and maybe half an hour afterwards. And then I would slip right back into new doubts and worries. It. Never. Stops.

The same thing happened in my previous relationships (especially the one other serious one I had). I chalked it up to the toxic nature of said relationship and naïvety on both our parts. Whilst those were certainly contributing factors, I have grown up since then, I have done so much work to heal and improve my own behaviours and thought processes, and it's still awful. It's still so bloody difficult to deal with my mind. And you never gave me any reason to think you were lying to me about anything. But my mind won't listen to that reasoning, it just doesn't leave me alone. So now I'm starting to wonder if really this is part of the whole maybe-OCD thing instead. Or maybe I'm just a horrible person.

Who the fuck knows! I am at the point of wanting to cry and scream because my mind will NOT SHUT UP and I am talking to my psychiatrist tomorrow with the intention of bringing all of this up so I can get evaluated for OCD but I am so so so so anxious about it because I need it to go well and I'm worried she'll think I'm acronym hunting or laugh at me or shut me down before I can even explain (I really need to explain it) and I cannot breathe so I am done writing now.

[unicornsvsglitter]

Here’s my answers! I have adhd and autism.

1. What is your experience with your disorder?

- My experience with my disorders is… strange. While the two can be similar, in many ways there also opposite.

-On some occasions I’m so overstimulated that I can’t do anything but lay there because of my autism. Other times I’m so under-stimulated I’ll be playing a video game, having a snack, doing a craft and watching YouTube, but it still will feel like not enough is going on so I try to put on music only to realize that music and YouTube at the same time won’t work, because of my adhd.

- Since I don’t have a formal diagnosis, many neurotypical people who I’ve talked to just think I’m reading too much into things and that I’m looking for something to be “wrong” with me.

- On the other hand, people who are familiar with how adhd and autism typically present in afab individuals and those who are neurodivergent know from a ten minute conversation that I’m neurodivergent to some extent.

2. How is it for you?

- Overall, my adhd symptoms are more sever then my autism symptoms. I also have lower support needs then most autistics. While autism does make some aspects of my life more difficult, my adhd symptoms are far more intense then my autism symptoms.

- While I do have some sensory issues, for the most part they are easily manageable. For example, I always ask my coworkers to dishes because I don’t like how sponges feel of the feeling or running water. Similarly, I take baths instead of showers to avoid feeling that water hitting my skin in a way I don’t like.

- I have a hard time identifying stuff like tones and sarcasm. My (unintentional) way of coping with this is one of my best friends also has autism and adhd, while the other exaggerates everything to the point where he seems like he’s trying to act like a cartoon character. While this doesn’t solve everything, i don’t have to spend energy trying to decide what they’re really saying.

- On the other hand, since I’m unmedicated, many of my adhd symptoms are borderline debilitating and make it very hard to function a lot of the time.

- It sometimes goes 6+ months between having the motivation and energy to clean my room. I will lay in bed for hours thinking about how I need to, but can’t take that first step to making sure it gets clean. Even when I am able to, the motivation last 2-3 days max, which isn’t enough to do all the cleaning I need to.

- I get very intense hyper-fixations. I watched a 10 episode anime (japan sinks 2020 if your interested.) I watched it all in one day, then proceeded to invite my best friend over to watch it with me. I talked to anyone who would listen to me talk about it for the next few weeks, no matter how much they didn’t want to hear it. I started crocheting a main characters hat. I made playlist for each of the characters. There’s a scene called “rap about your feelings” and listing to that rap was the only thing that could get me to focus on for weeks. I looked through literally every tumblr post on the show. I read every article and fan theory I could get my hands on. I had homework to do, but couldn’t because all I could do is think about this show.

- while I’m not impulsive with my actions, I am very verbally impulsive. I find it very hard to play most play most party games because I can’t keep my mouth shut about what card I played, or what the proper answer is.

3. What are some examples of what you’ve felt with.

- A lot of my experience with both has to do with the fact that I’m not able to get a formal diagnosis for either, despite from a young age having lots of stereotypical (and less stereotypical) symptoms.

-For example, when I was in first grade we had a writing prompt where the class had to write about what they wouldn’t want to find in there lunch. Wile most students wrote about how they wouldn’t want a sandwich with crust or how they wouldn’t like to have applesauce because it’s gross, I misunderstood the assignment and wrote about how I didn’t want to find rat poop in my lunch. While every other student understood that it was something they wouldn’t want that there parents would pack them for lunch, I just thought about what would I be most upset to find, not realizing the other students did.

- In third grade I auditioned for my schools choir which was lead by the music teacher. I wasn’t let in because I was “too fidgety” even though my fidgeting never interfered with how class was conducted.

- I went to a middle school for smart kids. Is students had two main jokes about the school. 1- that it was where they put all the kids who were too much for other teachers to deal with and 2- that the students there were all geniuses who could barely tie our own shoes. In this school I had a teacher tell me “Katie, I never have any idea how you get to your answer, but I know it’s always gonna be correct.”

-Around fifth grade a new student joined my Sunday school class. She told me that she was autistic. I had no clue what that meant but I did know that we became fast friends because we acted very similar. I was thanked by random members of the congregation for being so nice to her by hanging out with her, but I wasn’t being friends with her to be nice, I was friends with her because we got along. I wasn’t doing for charity like people seemed to think.

- In seventh grade, a friend of a friend was talking about a tv show I didn’t watch called RWBY. He then told me I acted like the character Penny. I didint know who that was so I ask why I act like her and his response was “she’s a robot who says thinks like I’m a normal human meat person.”

- I have a running list of ways people have called me autistic, without saying I’m autistic, the most creative are

a. “You sound like young Sheldon”

b. “You’re like an vampire that doesn’t understand basic human emotions”

c. “You remind me of Mable pines”

4. How would you explain your disorder?

- Clinically, I’d describe my disorders as developmental delays that cause me to have issues with communication, motor skill, sensory inputs, and impulsiveness.

- Socially I’d describe my disorders as making it harder for me to understand the subtext as to what people are saying. They make it harder for me to focus on what someone is saying without fidgeting at the same time. I get very invested in one topic and will only want to talk about that one thing. They sometimes cause to to have get overwhelmed if a lot of people are taking at once or if the musics too loud. My disorders also make it hard for me to complete talks on time, but not due to laziness, but because I lack the get up ent go to do it.

5. Can I share your experience?

- absolutely! Feel free to use this information to your hearts content!

- I’m ok with being tagged in the content you make using this. I’m excited to see the final product!

- To me, a lot of the questions felt very similar, but I tried to answer them as close to the original question as possible. If I didn’t provide the type of answers you were looking for, lmk and I’ll try to give a more accurate answer. I also feel like I have a lot more to say on the topic of adhd and autism, so if you have any more questions or would just like me to elaborate on something, feel free to reach out!

HEY!! I have questions for people with HPD, NPD, ADHD, ADD, AUTSIM, BPD, DID and OSDD!!

1. What's your experience with your disorder(s)?

2. How is it for you?

3. What are some examples you have of what you deal with?

4. How would you explain your disorder(s)?

5. Am I allowed to use your experience(s) to write an informative post about said disorders on @wat-da-hell-iz separately? Anonymous or tagging you?

Please reblog as I want to have as many answers as possible from at least more than two people and myself.

Don't feel complied to answer either! Answer what you're comfortable with answering ^.^ (my pms are also open incase you don't want to reblog or send an ask with your answer(s)!)

[serene-victory-77]

Autistic Kaz Thoughts

TL;DR at the end because this is really long again

So, obviously Kaz is neurodivergent, that comes from the affects of his trauma, but it seems myself and many others have sen a strong basis for Autistic Kaz specifically, and I thought I’d like to explore that.

Some other people have talked about this but I wanted to put in my two cents

Disclaimer: A LOT of things about Kaz’s behavior line up with the effects of his trauma. My response to that is that Kaz can be autistic and traumatized at the same time. Things That Make Sense In Canon (It’s Basically Everything):

Hyperfixation:

- Magic tricks (sitting in front of a mirror for hours practicing and trying to figure them out)

- Staying awake for hours wondering how things work

- He hyperfixates on every single job to hell and back, and he enjoys figuring out every angle

Special Interests:

- Goes hand in hand with above, but magic tricks and sleight of hand are definitely his special interests

- Lock picking might also count, and card games? He seems to like all of it. Robbing...?

- Being a criminal is Kaz’s special interest. Sounds ridiculous but think about it. It helps that it keeps him alive, but he does actively enjoy it

Sensory Issues:

- A lot of this is related to his trauma but again, he can be both autistic and traumatized *shrug*

- Regardless of the Reaper’s Barge, touch aversion could be another trait. Having gloves and clothing that covers can be a good buffer from sensations he dislikes.

- He dislikes crowds/crowded because of the higher probability of touch/the Reaper’s Barge, but you can also tie that back to autism since many many don’t like being in crowds

- He likes silence (talks about sewing people’s mouths shut). He’s used to Barrel noises, but he might not like voices stacked on top of each other. Auditory sensibility is really varied, and sometimes noises are fine/sometimes they’re torture

Behavioral: 

- Again, so much of this is related to his trauma, but REGARDLESS!

- Dramatic af in the books, but both he and Inej say he’s quiet and reserved. Good with words and doesn’t seem to mind talking, but he really only talks about his hyperfixations:

- The exceptions make up almost all of the books, which is why he might come off as talkative, but he’s usually talking about a plan, having solved something/tricked someone (think conversations with Van Eck, Rollins), so of course he wants to talk. The other big exception is when he talks to Inej.

- Kaz is good at reading people, but there’s a lot to disprove that all autsitic people are bad at reading others. Many actually “over-read” and notice a lot/see things others don’t pick up on. Doesn’t make someone more socially competent (just because you know what’s happening doesn’t mean you know what to do about it). I don’t think it disqualifies him from being autistic

- Kaz is incredibly mentally organized, so over-reading people is actually helpful for him.

- With stimming, he’s amuses himself with cards, magic tricks, playing with coins and lock picks. It happens enough times to be a “thing” in the books. Sleight of hand can count as stimming.

Mental Capabilities:

- Autism doesn’t equal genius, but many autistic kids are also prodigies, and with Kaz I think it applies. 

- Autism and really good memory aren’t uncommon, and it tracks with this from Kaz:

- “Once he learned a game, it took him mere hours to master it, and then he simply couldn’t be beaten. He could remember every hand that had been played, each bet that was made. He could keep track of the deal for up to five decks.” 

- He can also do complex mental math, which can also apply to this if you want it to

Other Things That Don’t Technically Mean He’s Autistic But For Some Reason Feel Autistic To Me:

- Autistic people can wear whatever they want, but for whatever reason Kaz’s wardrobe, regardless of mocking Mercher’s, seems like it could be a product of Kaz’s specific brand of autism

- Birds of a feather flock together, all his friends are neurodivergent

- The crow motif. Neurodivergent people seems to really like corvids? Also many have animals that are just “their thing” so yeah, crows

There’s probably other stuff but I’m currently forgetting it all

Exploring This In Fics/Headcanons!:

- People can write Autistic Kaz however they want, but here are my personal thoughts: 

- I noticed I already write young Kaz as autistic-coded, as he usually only touches and talks to Jordie and is very attached to him, is quiet and likes puzzles more than ‘acting’ games, and doesn’t speak a lot but has an advanced vocab.

- Kaz can eat just about anything for survival, but it’s easy to headcanon him as actually only liking a few foods. Some autistic people are picky, and others love food, because people are different. That being said, I’m picky, so I headcanon that Kaz doesn’t really like eating with a few exceptions (things like chocolate, breakfast foods, ice cream, chips, pasta, coffee, because I love those things) and greatly dislikes many other things (I like writing that he doesn’t like carrots?? Idk)

- In Alternate Universe fics that make it hard to justify Kaz’s touch aversion with Jordie’s trauma/more modern AU’s: Autistic Kaz With Touch Sensitivity! It keeps him in character, gives him a reason to wear gloves, and adds neurodivergence without compromising his canon traits.

- His boundaries being ignored or sensory overload could also work to explain why he’s so pissed off all the damn time

- Not a lot changed between Kaz and Inej. Autistic Kaz and Trauma Kaz overlap a lot and can both work in canon, so he can still want to touch Inej like in the books. Many people have exceptions, and Inej (and Jesper, and the other Crows) would make sense as being Kaz’s exceptions. Plus, it adds to Inej’s feeling of safety because Kaz wouldn’t even think to touch her without reason/without asking until they’re a LOT more comfortable. You can still write him as being touch averse to Inej regardless of romantic feelings though.

- I think a reason Kaz isn’t talked about as an autistic possibility very often is because he’s such a badass? The portrayal of autistic people is often that they can’t be leaders, or that they’re soft and a cinnamon roll. People are more likely to make, say, Wylan autistic, and ignore the fact that Kaz has a lot going for this. So, to write Autistic Kaz realistically, what do you have to do? 

- Write him how he is in the books, with all his same habits and thoughts. In a modern AU, you can actively acknowledge it. Tag Autistic Kaz regardless of it being a focus. And in “canon universe” fics, you can still tag him as autistic, and mention how Kaz was like as a child or use introspection

- Autistic Kaz, using his canon character traits, probably won’t read as OOC

ALSO!

Jesper’s definitely ADHD and while I was writing a fic I realized Kaz and Jesper have an ADHD/Austic friendship. It’s true that Jes and Kaz don’t always understand each other, but: 

Kaz actively appreciates and likes Jesper (otherwise he wouldn’t be so hurt by Jesper’s loose tongue), and similarly to being unbothered by Wylan’s disability, I don’t think Kaz would mind Jesper’s quirks.

Since Jesper often fixates in fights, Kaz doesn’t have to worry about interference from Jesper’s brain during a job, and when it’s casual hanging out, I think Kaz just doesn’t care/actively understands where Jesper is coming from.

It’s not too supported by canon other than Kaz internally deciding that one of his best friends is going to be the hyperactive and social Jesper, despite them outwardly seeming so different

And why Jesper would pick reserved, quiet, and oddly prickly Kaz to be his best friend too. They don’t match up but if they just kinda vibe with each other/understand their brains work differently, then you have a very interesting basis for why they’re comfortable with each other.

TL;DR A lot of Kaz’s traits in the books (hyperfixations, special interests, sensory issues, behavior, mental capabilities) can be read as very autistic coded. This helps with rationalizing his behavior in AUs that lack his Jordie backstory while remaining completely in character and can also help characterize Younger Kaz. Additionally, it would not and should not compromise his badassery or competence. He and Jesper are Autsitic/ADHD friends.

[ghostietea]

Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

[adhdeancas]

wait so fellow adhder I'm I think that actually all of the TFW are actually ND. Cas has autism, dean has adhd, and hear me out, Sam has ocd. the intrusive thoughts? obsessive behavior? eating and acting clean literally to a point where it is inconvenient for everyone involved? I think he is obsessing over being clean and fresh (compared to demon blood and souless Sam, sleazy and nasty Sam) also I have a few reasons for thinking dean us adhd but y do u think so sorry I'm rambling

let’i’ve been waiting all my life for you to come into my inbox and talk to me about this

of COURSE TFW are ND!!! of course!! and yes, yes, we all know Cas has autism I love my autistic angel and i love the hc that Sam has ocd because it does fit really well!

(sectioned all of this out because it’s better for adhders to read, you get it)

his ocd directly bleeds into his poor self-esteem like you said with the demon blood! he feels the need to be pure and even though he canonically knows that these things (like eating clean, running, etc) can’t help his problem, he still tries because he kind of... has to. 

also OCD is often connected to a need for control, and the physical state of sam’s body is the one thing he has control over (which is also where we get into eating disorder territory). Sam has had so little control over his life, especially growing up, and for most his childhood, he didn’t even control what he ate (with Dean making/buying his meals). SO once he gets out of that environment, he hyperfixates on this new freedom!

we can also go to the hand pressing with this. a literal compulsion that even after the effect of the pain wears off once the hand heals, he still does it as a grounding method. nonsensical compulsion to calm anxiety? yes OCD 

can also be linked to childhood trauma but what ND can’t be amirite

emotional regulation once again - remember Angry Boy King Sammy? So angry he doesn’t know what to do and can’t control it and feels like he’s gonna explode with the rage?

intrusive (sometimes violent) thoughts are a huge marker for OCD and Sam’s obviously sometimes come from Unnatural means but they are also a part of him and kind of always have been

religious themes are also huge in OCD which Fits and makes me EMOTIONAL Sam I’m so sorry he spent his whole childhood feeling unclean and unholy and Fixated on that to the point of praying to a God his family didn’t believe in just so he could be Clean fuck

also i think it’s really interesting and cool that of the two brothers, Sam shows the most obvious signs of OCD even though he is canonically the messier brother and the brother not worried about IRL germs (i know the writers didn’t try to do this but i don’t care they didn’t play into the OCD means i must germex! trope)

AND ADHD DEAN!!! 

let’s first look at the obvious: Dean is highly skilled in combat, even though he hates physical exercise. Why? ADHD brain tied up with anxiety is hardwired into flight or fight, not sit and focus on one thing. it’s constantly picking up on threats and peripheral vision and all that shit 

he also has a spotty history with books! like i’ve said before, not shit writing, this is Dean’s ADHD. Dean as a kid read some high-brow books and he still does occasionally but he doesn’t nearly as much as an adult because it became much harder!! and because he just couldn’t devote that much attention, even as a kid, to things that he wasn’t really interested in! This is why he hates research

he’s known far and wide for his impulsiveness, his knee jerk decisions. it’s part of what makes him a good hunter and part of what makes him human disorder incarnate - It’s ADHD

Low frustration tolerance and rejection-sensitive dysphoria! Dean has a really hard time regulating his emotions and especially anger - especially especially especially when he feels like he’s being rejected or abandoned. it’s literally his worst fear 

^^^^ rejection-sensitive dysphoria also plays into his low self-esteem (god poor kid to have RSD in an environment growing up where Everyone Was Constantly Busting Each Other’s Balls and couldn’t be emotionally available to also tell you they actually love you), high self standards, and social anxiety (he’s a bullshitter, his chameleon charm is also a symptom of his social anxiety and RSD) 

also Dean has lots of sleep problems both ways and complicated relationships with motivation and inner restlessness versus a yearning for stability 

comfort items / food!! now i can’t find the research on this so forgive me because i know i’ve read it somewhere that ADHDers tend to gravitate toward familiar things or foods! (like Dean’s burgers and his car / motels that are all basically the same) it is a very ND thing in general as well

along that line, ADHDers tend to have sensory processing issues - it’s why Dean has an Outfit Recipe of the same types of clothes that he sticks to - also why he delights so much in sensory stuff like magic fingers and the Dead Guy Robe

(((jfc i thought of this point while writing out the last one and then forgot it and had to stare at the screen for a minute, now I’ve forgotten it again while writing this thank you adhd))) AH YES! auditory processing! Remember how we make fun of Dean for his lame comebacks? Remember how we make fun of him for his buffer speed in The Scene? baby that’s because it takes him five extra seconds to translate those words let alone RESPOND

not to mention people with ADHD often have much higher rates of anxiety/depression (duh) and substance abuse (yes)

lmao in researching this the article I was looking at says that lead exposure as a child can lead to ADHD and jfc you KNOW those shitty motels had Exclusively Lead Paint smh

BUT ONE OF MY FAVORITES of course has to be that Dean gets along so well with autistic Cas!! as an adhd dude with an autistic best friend, WE DIG! adhd and autism go so well together because we can get each other in ways that others just Can’t. adhd and autism have a lot of overlap/similarities in brain function and shit. 

tend to eschew social conventions and be much more straightforward/want that in others

they can both have the tendency to fidget and depending on upbringing mask that for some people - which also leads to being social chameleons

they both have comfort items / foods that NT find really strange or childish in my experience

sensory disorders!!! cas with his ONE OUTFIT and Dean with his different colored ONE OUTFIT 

Anyway i’m in love with this and i have so many thoughts but here are a few of them thank you very much for this ask i love that you came to me 

[moron-hassaikai-and-more]

Headcannon time cos we’ve not done that in a while. This is gonna be a long list of Tengai headcannons (and some backstory) and I don’t want it to take up my whole dash so… here vv

He originally applied to UA when he was a teenager but didn’t get in, since he had set his whole life on that and made no other plans, he ended up becoming a monk as he didn’t know what else to do.

His parents abandoned him when he was 3, as he was the result of his mother having an affair. He was found wandering the streets by a kind lady with an arctic fox quirk who took him in. She was a single mother of one, a little girl the same age as Tengai with a similar fox quirk to her, who’s name was Maisy. Tengai and maisy consider each other to be siblings and never cut contact, even after Tengai joined the Hassaikai.

Tengai’s favourite animals are jellyfish and Opossums and his favourite colour is orange. He wants to own pet jellyfish one day.

He has autism and I have evidence backing this: His mask doubles as a muffler which could be to block out loud sounds that could potentially trigger him, and he always has his eyes closed, which could to be avoid bright lights and to avoid eye contact. He’s also apparently very dedicated to the Hassaikai and was very dedicated to his old religious ways, which makes me think he hyper focused on them and made his life revolve around them. It also shows he always follows rules which, while isn’t necessarily an autism trait, it certainly can be.

Continuing on with his hyperfixations, Animals (but mostly Opossums and Jellyfish) have been a life long interest for him, he used to have one of pro heroes but after UA rejected him, it faded (though he still got a little excited when meeting Fatgum, even if it was in combat), he’s also had a life long fixation of music, which, despite him having to hide when he became a monk, he never lost passion for, i Headcannon he can play an ocarina and an acoustic guitar. He also has a less prominent interest in origami, he set himself a goal to make 1000 cranes while at the monastery and actually got pretty far in it, making it to around 800.

He got kidnapped once. He was 10 at the time, it was incredibly traumatic for him, while not much physical harm came to him, he’s now scared to walk outside alone, especially at night, and he’s scared of dogs, as there were a few in the place he got taken to and they tried to attack him multiple times. He was rescued by pro heroes after his adoptive mother reported him missing. She hasn’t yet told him the only reason the pro heroes acted on it was because he wasn’t the only child to go missing there, he was just the only one to survive…

Chrono met Tengai before Overhaul, when Hari got lost and had to got to the monastery for help. Tengai was the one to open the door and help him out. They ended up getting side tracked and talking about animals as both were very interested in them. Tengai ended up infodumping about Jellyfish for way too long and ended up dropping some hints about his quirk during that which Chrono took note of and reported to Overhaul. Chrono and Tengai ended up keeping in touch and once Kai recruited Rappa and needed a babysitter for him, he turned to Tengai immediately. Tengai accepted as he was honestly getting kind of annoyed with the strict life he’d been living for the last 6 years.

Due to sensory issues, he can only really eat beige foods like pasta/rice, cereal, chicken and potatoes. Anything with too much sugar or spice makes him want to throw up.

He’s either super sensitive to scent or just straight up can’t smell. Stuff like fish and mayo makes him gag, but that super expensive perfume Chrono’s wearing? Not even noticed it, even if he saw him put it on.

Because this is an AU where Eri actually gets treated well, there’s been some standoffs between her and Tengai over who gets the last apple when no one will be going shopping for a couple days.

That’s all I have that isn’t completely turning into a separate AU I have about him but yeah. I really like Tengai and I want to hug him.

[maybeacrowdedmind]

My Headcanoned Autistic Characters Part 1:

After seeing that people enjoyed my post on autistic characters both canon and headcaoned by yours truly, I decided to go into a little more detail about the characters I see as being autistic and why. So let part 1 commence!

Parker - Leverage:

I first started watching Leverage when I was about 11 or 12 years old. Prior to seeing Parker, I had never seen a book or tv show/movie character who was like me and not being made the butt of every joke. Parker is an extremely literal character in both her speech and her mannerisms. She is also very blunt and doesn't speak in metaphors; she simply says what she means. She also gets very excited over things that the other characters don't seem to get (like her love of Christmas and Santa Claus) and she is frustrated when things don't go how they are supposed too. Furthermore, Parker is shown to freak out when the plan goes wrong, and she is also often shown to say something socially "off" and have the other characters explain to her that just because it's true, doesn't always mean you should say it. However, despite having so many autistic traits that autistic people and characters are often shamed for, the rest of the team is accepting of her, and while they tease her, they do it in the same way with everyone. I still remember how happy I felt to finally see a character onscreen who was so similar to me, who was allowed to have agency and wasn't there to be the laughingstock of the Leverage team. Now, I can't remember which episode it was season and episode wise, but one of my favorites was the one where Parker has to wear the heavy shoes to match the mark's gait so she doesn't trip off the sensors, and when practicing, she starts freaking out because it doesn't feel right. As a person with extreme sensory issues, scenes like that mean a lot to me, because rather than have Hardison get upset with her or tell her to suck it up, he helps keep her calm and helps her to manage it comfortably.

Anya Jenkins - Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Anya is another character whose way of speaking is very similar to mine. She is also very blunt, and speaks unabashedly and in a brutally honest manner. Anya also doesn't understand how the human world works because she is/was a vengeance demon. Now, I'm not a vengeance demon turned human (or am I?), but I am an autistic person living in a neurotypical world that I don't really get. Anya also does not understand social cues or what having a filter means as evidenced by the fact that she often talks about stuff that is not "socially acceptable" to talk about, which I can definitely relate to (throwback to when I brought up that being a Communist would be way better than being a N**i at prom, effectively bringing the conversation to a screeching halt. It's a long story). As such, I see her as autistic, because again, I see myself in several of her mannerisms.

Mabel Pines - Gravity Falls:

I know for a fact that I'm not the only person who sees the mystery twins as autistic. I mean, to me, it's obvious, especially with Mabel. Mabel is an enthusiastic girl, whose special interests range from Sev'ral Timez to golf to arts and crafts. When she goes after something, she does so wholeheartedly and doesn't care if other people try to dissuade her. Mabel is also shown to have a great love for things staying the same, like her and Dipper going trick or treating and both of them staying together after the summer, and she gets both upset and sad when things change. Mabel is unafraid to be herself, but still takes hurtful comments to heart. A good example of this is when Pacifica tells Mabel that she is too silly and will never be taken seriously, leading Mabel to try to act different than her natural self for the remainder of the episode until the end. This is very similar to autistic people being told that the way they exist is incorrect due to not being NT and leading them to mask when around other people. Lastly, Mabel shows self-stimulatory behavior and comfort stims by going to sweater town.

Dipper Pines - Gravity Falls:

Like his twin, Dipper has a special interests, primarily mysteries and conspiracy theories. He spends a lot of time compiling information on these topics and is extremely knowledgeable of them. Dipper doesn't want to be seen as different from others, like Wendy and her friends, and tries to hide things like trick or treating from them. This is relatable to me because it is very similar to masking. Dipper tries to seem mature and cool to fit in with his friends, which reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger and would mask in order to be accepted by my friends (I'm currently trying to unlearn masking tendencies because my way of naturally existing is not an inconvenience and neither is the natural existence of anybody reading this). Dipper also stims, by chewing on his pens and shirt, and when something is important to him (like hacking the code on the computer) he very quickly becomes fixated on it, which is another thing I do all the time.

That's all for now; I'll post part 2 soon, either later today or tomorrow so keep an eye out. If you have any characters you've headcanoned as autistic, let me know in the replies. I'd love to see other characters people relate to. Also, if you could please check out the post I made in regards to my sister and the fundraising she's doing for a service dog and reblog it, that would be greatly appreciated.

[pokehumanmagines]

(Hey sorry I haven’t really posted yet! I’ve got a couple requests in drafts but I’ve been suffering through some physical illness and writer’s block. Obviously the physical illness was more worrisome. Straight up had to go to the ER, really sucked. Anyways, to tide you all over here are some hc’s of some of my favorite Pokés with an autistic reader, cause it’s mostly for me.)

Feraligatr

Oh no big bite baby. 

They tend to be a forgetful but they’ll try so hard to help you remember to take your medication on time! Waking you up on time is a lot easier in comparison though. They’ll roll on top of you or nom softly on your arm to wake you. 

If you’re overwhelmed from a sensory overload, like super loud noises and crowds, or some bad smells coming out of nowhere, time for a ride on their back outta there!! They got big ol hands so they’ll cover your ears if you don’t have headphones, if you’ve accidentally left them home or they broke.

 If you like pressure on you, they👏 are 👏 here 👏 to lay on you gently. But they’re also a heavy so you may want to remind them not to do that and get you weighted blanket instead, or one of your lighter Pokés.

 If you do hand flaps when you’re happy they love doing hand flappies with you!!! Hand flappies all around! Also happy noises!! Lots of happy noises! Back when they were a Totodile they most likely chewed on everything of yours, and if you’ve got some oral fixation, guess what, chewable jewelry buddies!! Or you might call them chewies like me. Theirs is a lot bigger tho.

 Also if anybody makes fun of you for all this stuff, that bitch is gonna be turned into a chewie. Unless you stop them of course but they do not tolerate people being mean to you.

 If you’re one of those people who love physical affection, guess what, them too bitch!!! Hugs and cuddles for days! Their scales are so smooth, they’ve got such a nice texture you can’t help but give em gentle rubs and full body hugs! 

If you have trouble with verbal communication they’re gonna try so hard to tell people stuff, even tho they can’t speak human languages ;-;, they try tho!!! They definitely get what you’re asking even if you have difficulty actually saying stuff!! They get you!! 

Dusknoir

Oh ho ho another big pal/ s/o. 

Also got giant fricking hands to cover your ears in emergencies. They are all absolute big brains so they are super good at reminding you to take your medicine on time, they probably organized it in one of those holders the sweetheart. 

They are a ghost type, but not to worry, they can definitely give you that physical affection kick when needed. Seriously they give fantastic hugs! Those arms aren’t just for yeeting spirits into the afterlife y’know. Though their texture isn’t unpleasant it isn’t like, as comfy as like a dog tummy. A little cold too.

Will also yeet anyone who’s being an asshole to you! They must protect. 

They don’t really have a mouth like people or other Pokémon but so they don’t really get oral fixation but dammit if they aren’t going to help you pick out some cute chewies. Yeah sure they got the tummy mouth but it’s not the same thing, they don’t really have teeth.

 Like fiddling with stuff in your hands so your mind doesn’t wander off or so you don’t feel anxious, yeah they like fiddling too. Get one of those fidget cubes or a rubix cube and they will be occupied for a while. Or maybe just play with each others hands! That’s always really cute. (๑>ᴗ<๑) Yes they will let you fiddle with the antenna on their head, but don’t do it too much! They might accidentally take it another way. 

Since they only have one eye, they have some depth perception issues, so if you have problems with running into doorways or tripping over stuff even when you know they’re there, they get you on that. They’re also super worried cause like, ow. 

They don’t really do hand flaps but they think it’s super adorable when you do it! Shows that you’re happy and they love it when you’re happy.

 Verbal communication problems? No worries, they’ve got you. They most likely know quite a few sign languages, so they’ll help you get by when you can’t say anything out loud. 

Look they might be big brain but first thought they had when you said you liked pressure on you they thought to lay on top of you. sksksskk They totally remember to place a weighted blanket on you but they love snuggling with you so much they just thought they’d help more directly.

Gothitelle 

(ok we all saw Gothitelle coming. she is the face of the blog pretty much and i call myself mod Goth lmao)

Like all psychic types they are very in-tune with your emotions even when you’re not. Like, if you’re feeling overwhelmed and are maybe red-faced over stuff, they get that, literally. They legit feel what you’re feeling and will do what they can to fix the problem, by helping you calm down or by getting you out of the situation. They only have those tiny little mitten hands so they can’t really cover your ears that well but trust me that they will remember to have backup headphones just in case. 

They will very much hug you when you’re craving physical affection, they may have noodle arms but their hugs are so comforting. Also texture wise, on the dress and bow-like parts of their body, they kinda feel like t-shirt material, so they are very comfy if you like that texture. 

Will also yeet people who are being mean to you, but with psychic powers cause psychic type and noodle arms. 

They’re really not a chewer and since they don’t really have fingers they can’t really fidget/fiddle with stuff either. But they will definitely join in with hand flaps! 

Also since psychic type, they can just telepathically tell people what you’re trying to say, or just talk to you that way. Much easier than trying to use your vocal chords when they’re not wanting to work. 

Another big brain who’s super good at organizing your medication and getting them to you on time. Also very good at waking you up on time, gotta keep everything consistent or the medicine won’t work right!

Will absolutely remember to lay a weighted blanket on you when it’s time for bed, gotta keep you comfy!

They’re just so gentle and will smooch your bruises when you accidentally bump into stuff. 

Will also do brushies on you when needed! Gotta make sure those nerves are firing correctly and that certain touches won’t overwhelm you too much!

(I hope these were ok! I know these were mostly for myself and some of these things I don’t have, the weighted blanket thing for example, but I know fellow autists have those! Btw to the anon that sent in the Lucario thing, seriously that’s just so precious and I haven’t ignored your ask! Trying to get back into writing has been a bit hard but I promise that it should be out before the 25th! - mod Goth)

[hargrove-mayfields]

Autistic max? I’m all in -🦖

yes!! Max being on the spectrum is one of my favorite headcanons! Here’s a bit of my thoughts and hcs for you anon! <3

okay so first i wanna talk a little about where this hc came from! this idea was born in my head for a multitude of reasons, but the general summary is this:

-she misses a lot of social+emotional cues! she didn’t pick up on just how annoyed Mike was with her in the gym and kept pushing until El intervened, she didn’t detect any of Lucas’ panic or frustration when he was explaining the upside down to her until he touches her, and when el is jealous and just not interested in meeting her, she seems to be completely unfazed by that until she walks away. also every scene she has with Billy, he’s very shut off and she seems to be confused about what she’s expected to say, missing that he’s angry until he’s lashing out, and idk to me it just seems like she doesn’t really have a grasp on understanding others’ emotions!

-similarly, she only seems to react in the face of immediate danger, as if she’s a lot of the time unaware of how bad things truly are around her. like when she’s helping to find dart without even knowing what’s going on, driving a whole muscle car and going down into the tunnels without a hint of fear, seeming barely concerned when the mindflayer was about to drop through the ceiling. it’s almost like she has trouble fully processing the consequences of certain things, which could also explain why she sneaks out even though she probably knows what Neil is like and the fact that it could potentially put her in danger.

-the way she dresses just screams tactile sensitivity! she doesn’t ever wear anything flowy, any scratchy materials, and even at the snowball, where we see Susan fussing over her, she’s still dressed for comfort. what young girl with a mother clearly interested in making her pretty is going to get away with wearing jeans to a school dance if she doesn’t have sensory issues?

-also, whenever she gets upset she seems to shut down. like she almost never talks to Billy after he yells at her unless it’s necessary, when her and Lucas are talking on top of the bus it definitely seems like she’s struggling to voice her feelings or put words to her emotions, when Billy’s in the sauna, after he’s activated she starts turning in on herself, and after his death she’s just sitting in his room. like maybe she doesn’t really understand her own emotions that well either.

I’m not really viewing any of this as like, solid evidence or anything btw, these are just some things I’ve noticed about her as an autistic girl her age and living in a very similar situation that I think are neat and relatable!

onto the stuff I literally made up because I love her!

-Susan gives me autism mommy vibes. Like, making it her identity that she has a child with autism, and at times that can get super frustrating for Max because she hates being her mom’s little trophy daughter, gossiped about at all the potlucks so people feel sorry for her. Her absolute least favorite thing is “She’s such a handful.” and when Susan pulls the I’m so lonely because of taking care of you card to make her feel bad. Especially because she doesn’t feel very taken care of, once she’d hit a certain age her mother decided she’d be alright without all that “kid stuff” and basically tossed her into the world on her on. (hence why she’s Billys responsibility)

-In the 80s (and still now if we’re being entirely honest) it was very normal to just throw a casual r slur into conversation and it kills Max every time her friends say it, especially Mike because she thinks he’s being mean and doesn’t like her. She doesn’t know how to explain to them that that hurts her feelings because she doesn’t even know how to bring it up that she’s autistic. Billy tells her once to try to cheer her up that he could beat them up for her but she cries even harder because that’s what she doesn’t want, is for them to think she’s overreacting. He feels bad and tries to make up for it bringing it up with some of the moms of the group and asking that they tell their kids to stop using that word ever.

-In California she was in special ed classes, but Hawkins Middle deems that not necessary for someone of her “functioning level” (yuck) and she gets landed in coed instead. It might’ve been alright if that was how she started her education, but she was already used to classes of four or five kids like her, and she just cannot learn in that new environment. So she does really, really bad in school her first year in Hawkins. She feels kind of self conscious around her friends because they’re all so smart and her grades make her feel stupid even though it’s not her fault, and that’s why she kinda drifts towards being close with El because she struggles with learning things too.

-Smells are probably her worst overstimulation triggers. Things like cigarette smoke, fresh brewed coffee, her moms perfume, cooking and baking smells, the automatic air freshener thing, candles. Pretty much anything stronger than the smell of water is just overwhelming for her, especially if there’s something else already working her up, because then a whiff of something too strong can put her straight into a meltdown. Billy decides to quit smoking for her (he’ll never admit that, he’s adamant that it was because it was messing with his lung capacity and he’s trying to work out) and he also does things like buy Susan a new, less offensive perfume for her birthday and open windows to get stuffy air out of the house. They never really talk about what that does for her but like, that’s part of how they start getting closer, is when he starts making little accommodations for her like that.

-In addition to smells, there are very specific sounds she can’t stand. It’s not all loud noises, some of them like the rev of Billy’s car or a bass guitar at an outdoor amphitheater are some of her favorites, but the ones she doesn’t like, she really hates. Things like styrofoam, dishes hitting off of each other, something scratching against ice that builds up in the freezer, TV static, the toaster popping up or the oven beeping, and people who can’t chew with their mouths closed (looking at you Billy, keep that gum in your mouth please) all make her feel gross. She’ll try to physically shake off the way those sounds make her feel but sometimes they’re just too much and she shuts down for a while until she gets to hear something else. In that case usually really quiet music or someone talking to her quietly can reel her back in.

-Her interests vary a lot! The longest she’s ever held one special interest was a Miss Piggy phase! Susan liked that she was showing interest in a feminine character because of a lot of her si’s were tomboyish, but Max liked Piggy because she knew karate and punched people who laughed at her or tried to make her feel bad about herself! She has all sorts of Piggy collectibles, like toys, bed sheets, posters, books, mugs and watches! Otherwise her interests and fixations tend to come and go pretty quickly, like one week she could want to know everything there is to know about pro skaters, and the next she’s into the history of circuses! She liked cars for a little while and Billy was really excited to indulge in that and let her get familiar with the camaro, but she shifted to video games pretty soon after and he had to let it drop.

-Another interest that’s also pretty constant for her is nature! Not only for the sensory experience of it, listening to leaves rustle and birds chirp and water rush, but also all the knowledge about it. She can identify any type of flower, grass, tree, critter, or fungus! When she’s melting down and needs to be away from the house, she asks Billy to take her to the state park so she can just sit and be quiet and calm down on a fallen tree or a swing set somewhere. They do have some woods behind their house but she’s too afraid to venture out there and prefers to be out with her brother anyways.

-Stims! She’ll fiddle with zippers and buttons and loose threads constantly to the point that they buy her three or four of the same jackets and shirts for when she inevitably breaks them. She also chews on sleeves and hoodie strings a lot. Other tactile stims she favors are string tricks and braiding and tieing knots! Braiding her and Billy’s hair is something she’ll do anytime she needs to feel grounded, and she has a whole bunch of those little wooden boards that kids use to learn how to tie their shoes to tie knots with. She also always has a pocketful of yarn, and her favorite thing to make with them is a spider web or a star!

-Sort of related to her fascination with string is that her shoelaces never ever match, she has like a whole drawer in her room full of different ones to change them out! (and she has Miss Piggy Bow Biters to put on them!)

-She’s also a very verbal stimmer at times! Giggles for days with Max, if she’s excited, happy, nervous, whatever, she’s giggling. Humming and mimicking too, like if she hears a sound she likes she’ll try to make it, whether it be part of a song or something she hears outside. But if she is sad she’ll get as quiet as a mouse.

Idk these are just like my sort of canon compliant hcs I guess? Like what I feel would be true for her in the timeline and storyline of the show!

[a-lil-perspective]

Hunter x Reader

A/N: What nobody asked for. I didn’t think a title would be appropriate for this particular piece of work. It really doesn’t coincide with any Star Wars themes, save for everybody’s favorite Sergeant making his debut within. It’s more of a Lil perspective. (Lol I’m sorry my last two brain cells have no sense of humor) For context: I have been absolutely suffocating lately, in every sense of the word. It’s almost indescribably oppressive, so I wrote this in desperately seeking comfort and therapy. Just a fragmented depiction, addresses underlying mental health issues and sensory disorders—in carrying my own subtle semblance of it, I love exploring those complexities with Hunter. It turns out soft. I think. Also, if you squint hard enough, you will see some song lyrics scattered throughout the fic in the form of thoughts. I wrote this in the format of Reader, though it’s practically a self-insert, I’m just not brave enough for those particular pronouns. :) Sorry in advance if this doesn’t apply to you...

▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️

Isn’t anyone trying to find me... Won’t somebody come take me home...

The silence was prodding. Hunter’s gaze darted to your tense form numerous times over the span of several painfully long, anticipating minutes. Each time, your lips remained pulled into a tight line while your extremities fidgeted in repetition. Agitation hung thick in the air. A terse statement of Y/N’s mystics echoed off the walls, to no-one in particular.

“I think... I’ve been gone for a long time.”

Hunter’s eyes incredulously searched you. “What do you mean?”

You see me standing, but I’m dying on the floor...

Your fists reflexively clench in grabbing at any semblance of weight to prevent your form from being dragged down into the mental abyss. You could feel it’s foreboding pull. It’s impending chaos.

It’s coming.

“Talk to me, Y/N...”

Your grip slackens, and you slip right over the edge. Hunter is too late to grab you.

I only want to die alive...

Your broken, unbridled guttural cries in response to the months of overwhelming emotional suppression caused Hunter to wince, and his own sensory receptors gain enough momentum to inwardly complain. He instinctively stuffs it down before kicking into action.

“Hey, Y/N, I’m here—”

Electric. The touch. His touch. It pricked, and the very fine hairs adorning the skin along your arms instantly retaliated to the calloused padding of Hunter’s fingertips caressing. It exacerbated your state of distress and just like that, your neurons overloaded. Sharp, stale air seeped in between your grit teeth and inhalation of insecurity.

Your sudden intake of breath and harsh flinch caused Hunter to cease in brushing up and down the outer region of your upper arms. His eyes narrowed slightly and quickly picked apart your stance. It greeted him like an old adversary with the remnants of a longstanding history, and a discomfiture swirled around Hunter at it’s painful familiarity.

“I can’t do this...” You breathe out despair.

The existing in general? The physical connection itself?

The latter wasn’t your fault. But it sure as hell felt like it. It certainly wasn’t his fault. Thankfully, somehow, the glint in Hunter’s shifting irises reassured you that he was privy to your suffering, to some degree; he knew. He understood.

Of course he did.

For who to better understand heightened tactile sensitivity than Sergeant Hunter of Clone Force 99? He was neither confounded nor dissuaded by your particularity in the slightest.

It had always been an inherence of yours; a rather obnoxious caricature within the conundrum, some obscure accessory buried in your already heavily packed bags. An extra ingredient that completely screwed up the recipe. Constituted as awkward, plain and simple; the dramatized detail never became easier to address with age, and the thick lump of disdain in your throat only grew.

You set your jaw in frustration. How to even begin picking up and putting together the pieces of a person who’s constantly missing one, or several. You were never satiated, equanimity never extended it’s stay for long; simply just renting. There was always something, someone, leaving a smoking hole in your chest, forcing every euphoric guest out.

I seek to cure what’s deep inside... frightened of this thing that I’ve become...

Your features twisted in agony and discomfort that accompanied the stoked episodes. It made you bitter. It threw you to the streets and dubbed you a martyr before satirically exposing, taunting at the misfortune of your dealt deck of cards. It was downright embarrassing, obtruding. Trepidations instantaneously trampled your meager, sensory overloaded form each and every time. Your bitter, corrosive laugh was all the evidence in that moment; a feeble reminder of your hypocrisy.

Because how, pray tell, does one’s physicality simultaneously experience both a revulsion for tactility and desperate craving for touch itself? You never understood exactly the way the two collided and contradicted themselves. Your teeth clamped your tongue in quelling the deprivation and plea for more rising in your throat, while your neurons worked to whisk your form as far away from the man as possible—away to the repetition of obsolete emptiness and desolation awaiting to greet you. As always.

“Let me help, cyare.” Begging... the man was hurting for you.

Don’t want to say yes, don’t want to say no...

Your mind ached. You can’t stop the pendulum in your head. Forced to look through a kaleidoscope of melancholy. Pleas echoed in a cavernous empty shell, but fell on deaf ears. Tears cancelled their appointment, and the well currently ran dry. There was... nothingness. And you fought the growing complaisance with the notion. Numbness was terrifying, and being terrified was numbing. You didn’t do well with attitudinal changes, seeking restitution more than ever while you wholly acknowledged the aspect of a ginger touch; the literal power within one’s fingertips to effectively mitigate your suffering. An opportune moment standing before you, his brows furrowed in sympathy and the corner of his lips angled in assuring you of his patience.

But the sharp pang and quick successions of staccato rhythm reverberated deep in your chest and only exaggerated your pain. Curse your heavy heart. A huff of breath incited subtle movement in the loose strands hanging over your profile, to which Hunter borrowed a moment in reaching out to sweep the curtain back.

Your head was under water, yet... you were breathing just fine. You just had yet to find the damned drain to expel the pernicious and suffocating sea of psychological terror into.

I just need to clear my head... don’t let it go to your head...

You quiver under Hunter’s intense appraisal, and shame swirls thickly. “I’m so sorry—”

“Don’t be. Please.” He immediately interjects, his palm turns upright and opens invitingly. “I’m here. Tell me what you need.”

Just tell him what you need.

“I... I don’t know.” Your admission speaks in a whisper of loss and uncertainty. You roll the flesh of your bottom lip between your teeth, the lump returns to your throat, and it’s crawling. Your gaze flickers.

“Just focus on me, cyare.”

Another catch: you can’t maintain eye contact to save your life. Kriff your soul. “That won’t work.” Your eyes anchor to the cold floor as sheer panic and the sturdy walls themself began to rise around your trembling self.

I can’t come alive... I want the room to take me under... Feel myself fading away...

“Okay—it’s okay,” he soothes. Hunter fervently wracks his brain—the way he decompresses and approaches his own form of stimming is slightly different; it’s different for everybody with a hyperactive response to stimuli. It took the Sergeant years to cultivate those particular penchants and even longer to tailor and perfect them to his predilection. If anything, he felt slightly apprehensive in the success of his methods.

Your hands that now wrap tightly around your rigid form are currently the only familiar pair of hands granted permission to access the area. You give a brief squeeze and teeter on the balls of your feet.

Hunter didn’t require a sniper’s nonpareil eyesight to see right through your peculiarity, even if he was briefly taken aback at it’s sudden effervescing. Truthfully, he should’ve picked up on it days ago: at your fierce denial and subtle panic over Hunter’s harmless offer of a massage after you had worked out a particularly stubborn knot kinking his lower back—a simple requite of mutuality, or so he thought. At the time, the Sergeant found himself shrouded in enigma over your reaction; seriously, who—other than him who barely tolerates it—doesn’t enjoy massages? It now made perfect sense. He fought the urge to self-deprecate over his ignorance.

“I’m suffocating, Hunter.” You choke, and the cadence of your voice is like a knife twisting into his heart; he gleans vicarious pain from your own.

Clarity suddenly lights up the Sergeant’s features, and you’re briefly hyper-fixated with the way the inky but slightly faded outline of his shadowy tattoo fluctuates in natural contortion with his many facial expressions. Just behind his eyes he beholds his brothers—

‘I’m suffocating, ori’vod’...

Hunter remembers...

Of the exact way he presses against Tech in order to smother his vod’ika’s fleeting bouts of anxiousness—the pressure nearly breaking the kid’s goggles on more than one occasion, and the way he compresses Crosshair’s shoulders in squeezing out the pent up anger to placate amidst the sniper’s wavering, and the position of which Hunter managed to encompass his brawny brother in a comforting embrace whenever the big guy experienced despondency—that is until Wrecker quickly outgrew his ori’vod and began flaunting his own prowess of overpowering hugs.

The difference between the scenarios was minimal. Hunter knew exactly what to do. Like second-nature to him, his nurturing instincts fully kicked in and determination spread through every fiber of his being, quashing the previous buzz of his own nerves.

Hunter didn’t know how well he could alleviate your emotional pain, but there was something he could do for the neurological aspect, and hopefully, one could ease the other...

Hunter ambles up to you and in one swift motion, secures the length of his arms around your upper back, noting the delineate contour of toned muscles and shoulder blades poking into his forearms that now drape across before his hands encircle and come to firmly rest on each shoulder. Firmness. Pressure—for your state, this depiction is key. He determinedly pulls you to him, unrelenting in a tight grip. The position of the crown of your head settled neatly under his chin, and stray hair peppered his textured features with tickling kisses as Hunter dips his head to softly press his lips to your roots.

I wish that I could bring you back to me...

With your face suddenly buried in the man’s chest, you come to distinctly acknowledge two immediate sensations. One; the man is warm. Not the muggy, stuffy warmth of Tatooine that is unpleasantly abrasive and dry; but a soft warmth that permeates, stoking memories of baked goods within the cushion of a heated oven warmly enveloping you each time it’s doors open, and seeking to melt the hardened encasing that is your tense muscles. It eases you towards a serenity. You have a ways to go before you can make out the sign in the distance, but Hunter himself is one step forward along the path.

Two; he smells amazing. A faint smoky sultry, an obscurely mesquite scent, slightly tangy and reminiscent of raw timber that is both luxurious and intoxicating; a sweet smell you’d classify as anything but cloying. Like he bathes with suds of fresh mountain air and luscious forests. It’s soothing, and your mind immediately associates the tangibility with a daydream and mercifully blesses you with the glimpse; of your husband having just entered your cozy homestead from a day of hard but fruitful labor in his intricate works of carpentry within the serene seclusion of temperate countryside enveloping your favorite planet—

Handle with care... say you’ll be there...

“Whatcha thinkin’ about, cyare—is this okay?” Hunter momentarily shifts and the rich baritone of the Sergeant’s voice resounding through his broad chest reels you back while he briefly tenses at your pending answer.

It was okay—your head was still swimming in an infinitely deep ocean of thoughts, but the way his hand slips from it’s position on your shoulder to cradle the back of your head before curling around the soft locks equates to the physical manifestation of a life preserver cast to your drowning form.

Your muffled confirmation and sheepish thanks warmly enveloped Hunter, as did your hands shifting to wrap around his broad frame in reciprocation. His grip tightened, and he patiently waits for you.

Hold.... Hold on... Hold on to me, ‘cause I’m a little unsteady...

Hunter refrains from trailing to stroke further along your back; the sneaking suspicion that the sensation might further tip off your nerves. So he remained stationary, and deciphered the way you seemingly favored a firm, weighted grasp and a grounding touch over ghosting fingertips and light, feathery textures. He could relate to that.

But Hunter couldn’t stop the hum of contentment that escaped his lips at your fingers having absentmindedly wandered up to twirl at his ebony tresses. He, personally, loved your soft, well-placed strokes full of deliberation and meaning, and only you were allowed to grace him with them.

Hunter could feel your heart hammering against the veil of his blacks, and his ears hearkened to the rhythm of your burdened breaths. He shifted his weight and began to gently sway with you, unsure of the words to say.

“I should’ve told you earlier,” your conscience suddenly prods.

A snort fills the air. “Oh, I would’ve figured it out soon enough. I’m kinda smart like that,” Hunter cringes at his corny sense of humor, but he swore the faintest of chortles rumbled beneath him.

He grants a final squeeze to your shoulders, careful to avoid the sensitive areas along your arms, before pulling back to address your face. Trouble and distress still graced you, and Hunter laced his fingers with your own. He thumbed at the worn flesh encasing your defined knuckles, a relic indicative of steadfast manual labor. You slowly exhaled at the touch; pressure along the palms and backside of your hands was soothing to you. You often wrung them to keep preoccupied when there was no warmth to solidify the muscle, fingertips drummed erratic tempos along your thighs whenever the mood struck, and loud cracking of the stiff joints in transient tics was a regularly becoming thing.

Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new...

Hunter tugged lightly in ushering you to the cot, firmly planting himself on the worn, creaking edge before his gaze met yours in awaiting approval. If he blinked, he would’ve missed the barely perceptible nod of your head in confirmation. Hunter leaned back on his full weight in gesturing you with him, and your form followed suit as you found yourself abruptly layered directly atop the rugged plains of his chest. The quirk of his lips told you he didn’t mind being used as a body pillow. Hunter’s arms suddenly turned up empty to rest above his head.

“I want you to be comfortable. No brushing. Just tell me where to put my hands.” He clarified, and appreciation bubbled in your chest. You contemplated for a moment.

“Just... hold me close.” You began to guide his hands to the exact position. “Please.”

His limbs obeyed by wrapping snugly as a hand found rest at the small of your back, and the other nestled itself slightly higher up the expanse, fingers splayed. Hunter solidified the closed space, and not even a muted ray of light could pass between the two forms.

You found solace within the cage of well-endowed muscle, slowly suppressing your nerves on each side and physically shielding you from the works of mental oppression. But his touch left you hyperaware; from an overtly suffocating insecurity towards every part of your body now lingering against his own, to the precise and tranquil thrum of his heartbeat in contrast with your racing one. Your stimuli sparks again in response to the stress.

“Y/N.” Hunter cuts through your tension, his voice laced with concern—you cannot calm yourself down, and you’re certain your mind absolutely loathes you. “Everything will be alright, I promise—don’t tense up, baby. Relax against me.” You angle your head so that one side of your face plants to his chest; you wish to better hear his sturdy heartbeat. You suddenly remember your own. It’s still beating. Resounding; indicative of purpose. Your breaths; symbolizing life.

Just keep breathing... my air...

“That’s it. Just breathe.” Hunter encourages. He reaches up to press against your temple in stroking at the hairline. Unbound locks cascaded around each other, a mixture of two colors softly tangled on either sides of the furniture. You lost count of your numbered breaths in the midst of solitude when a question unveils from your thoughts.

“How do you do it?” Your words trump the stagnant silence, a desperate inquiry that peaks through the fibers. You tilt your chin to better regard the man.

Confusion tugs at the corner of Hunter’s lips. “Do, what?”

“Anything...” you unload, and there’s a crackle to your voice. “The stress, the sensory... how do you manage? What’s your anchor in this wretched, kriffing life?”

A smile creeps up Hunter’s features, and his deep, reflective pools burn through you. “I’m looking at my anchor. And she helps me manage just fine.”

Your eyes blow protuberant and you manage to stare at him, dumbfounded. “What?”

“Honey, you are it.” His satisfied smirk grows wider, digging into his cheeks.

Something twitches at the corners of your lip and pulls into an upward curve; the feeling is tight, foreign. Your cheek muscles are unsure of how to compensate for the expression. You can’t remember the last time a smile has naturally graced your features. Now, it’s genuine. It’s... nice, and the hot rivulets currently streaming down your face are in a unanimous agreement.

Hunter moves to cup your face and thumb below your eyes, and his lips kiss the salt away. You grab hold of his forearms and shut your eyes.

“You want to know how I manage?” He croons in determination, “When my visual is overstimulated, I close my eyes and focus on the features of your face ingrained in my memory. When certain auditory has me weak at the knees, I remember the lull of your voice, comforting. When my nerves are on fire and I want nothing more than to be physically desensitized, it’s your soft touch that acts as a blanket, covering, making it easier for me. You make it better. Me better. Life better.” Hunter finishes his declaration in lovingly swiping at your face once more, expunging your pain. Words make a prompt exit along with it.

Your lips find purchase at the stubble along his jaw, in response. You love being able to fully make out the intricacy of his irises, now that you’re lovingly gazing into them. When you exit your captivated trance—his eyes are beautiful—you vaguely note with a twinge of pride that the encounter was indefinitely your longest standing record for maintaining eye contact. Another gentle smile fills your features. You remove your weight from him.

“Take this off?” You shyly tug at the collar of his blacks, seeking his consent, respectful of his own sensory receptors and their boundaries.

“Thought you’d never ask,” Hunter sits to quickly shed the upper article of clothing. He pulls you on top once again, and you are relishing in his bare skin. Your fingers map out a path of their own volition along the various textures and scars dotting the pectoral flesh.

“You never told me what you were thinking about earlier,” Hunter nonchalantly called you out. Your brows furrow in confusion. “There was something different on your face when I first held you. Just a flicker. But you looked... happy. Content, even.” Hunter smirked. “Hope you’re not planning to keep all that happiness to yourself.”

You certainly weren’t planning to. You recalled the picturesque and beckoned it forth... there was your sign of serenity. Just the shape of it, but solid, and clear. Hopeful, and promising, just on the horizon. It made your chest flutter, and ebbed away at the heartache. You realized Hunter’s brow arched in anticipation.

“How would you feel about working in carpentry?” A chuckle. Hunter was thoroughly humored, and surprisal was briefly evident on his features.

“So I can build you and I a house? To fill a bunch of babies with? Gladly.” He chased the daydream alongside you, and it was your turn to borrow the surprise; your mouth hung agape as heat crept through the apples of your cheeks. Hunter’s laugh boomed as a hand fit under your chin to close your parted lips. He wished to use his own to do the trick, but, another time.

“I’m with you.”

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Headcanons about how Henrik gets diagnosed / diagnoses himself? :)

*stares into the distance like Mabel in that one episode of Gravity Falls* My time has come.

Ok so tbh I can see a few ways Henrik getting diagnosed might go, but I think the most likely one is it happening through Oskar getting diagnosed.  Especially as Henrik and Oskar share a lot of the same traits and Henrik has at least briefly considered this as something running in the family, and that’s established canon. So let’s go with that. Also I’m gonna bold new sections of this post because otherwise it would make even my own eyes glaze over, nevermind other people’s.

- One of Oskar’s schoolteachers or whoever notices autistic traits in him and brings it up with Sara first.

Sara then mentions it to Henrik later over a phone call/video chat, goes into the teacher’s reasoning (Oskar doesn’t talk when he’s upset, he’s hyper-fixated on a certain subject - in his case science/biology, he has sensory issues with food*, etc.), Henrik’s like “oh yeah I was like that as a kid too”... and then there’s the Awkward Moment of Silence™ where they both realise there’s probably a reason for that.

(Actually I wouldn’t be surprised if Sara brings it up to him because she wonders if Henrik’s on the spectrum too. She’s pulled the “you don’t have feelings” card before, after all, which I generally interpret as a sign the character doing it has noticed Henrik isn’t Emoting ‘Properly’ in a way that makes them uncomfortable but doesn’t quite know why. So I could see her connecting the dots quickly.)

[* - I know the show only briefly toyed with this and then backtracked and implied Oskar just wasn’t eating because he was upset and missed his mother but fuck, let me have my headcanons.]

- Henrik proceeds to stay up late into the following night, reading everything he can find about autism because he knows about it in a medical context but how it actually affects day-to-day life is a whole other ballgame. Definitely has a lot of “oh, fuck, that’s what [symptom] is called?? there’s a word for this?? I’m not just a freak??” moments.

- Being the type of person he is, I think he’d be too shy to bring it up to his colleagues right away, but he probably does ask someone if they can see it just to test the waters.

And by ‘someone’, I mean probably Jac. I say this partially because I like their friendship but also we’ve had previous instances of him going to her about things because he sees her as the person Most Like Him.

I like to think that conversation basically goes like this:

Henrik: So Sara told me that one of Oskar’s schoolteachers has suggested having him assessed for Autism Spectrum Disorder--

Jac: Because you have it too, yeah, I know.

Henrik: *¿?!¿?!¿?!*

Jac: You didn’t know??

😂

He’d tell more people as time goes by. Jason would definitely know; I like to think their friendship, while pretty much dropped by canon, actually is a thing and we just don’t see much of it. So Henrik would tell him and tbh I think he’d be another one to be like “oh, I thought so”.

Other friends/colleagues get told after a while and I can see some of them not having guessed, e.g. Dom. If we’re assuming John/Rox/David are all alive and well in this ‘verse, he’d tell them early on too I think.

I don’t imagine him ever being fully open about it, because again, he’s such a private person - but not necessarily ashamed either, just... if it comes up, it comes up: if it doesn’t, they don’t need to know.

- I go back and forth on whether he’d actually seek a professional assessment or not. I find it interesting that you suggest he might self-DX for this reason, actually! I could see it: he did canonically self-DX his depression (he says so to Mr. Clarke in Black Dog: “I’ve never been diagnosed, but it’s always been there”). On the other hand autism is a much more... complex disorder and I could see him wanting professional confirmation on it. So. 🤷

- Either way, he’s now opened the gateway to finding autism-specific resources, and even if it was just self-help style stuff I honestly think that would help him a lot. I think he’d find it a relief to finally have an understanding of why he’s different and why certain things don’t come naturally to him. And he’d be able to look into ways to actually learn the skills he failed to pick up earlier in life, instead of just... trying to copy other people and hoping he gets it right.

- For that reason, I can see him really caring about making sure Oskar knows he’s autistic and that there’s nothing wrong with him, because Henrik knows what it’s like to grow up different from the other kids and blame yourself for it and he doesn’t want Oskar to have to know that pain. He’d definitely try to be as involved in Oskar’s life as he could from overseas (though lbr he’s doing this anyway). I like to think Sara asks Henrik for advice when Oskar’s struggling with stuff, too, because she’s a good person who wants to learn from Henrik’s experience and make sure Oskar doesn’t grow up feeling othered.

...And that’s about it. 😅 Sorry, I’m sure you weren’t expecting that wall of text. I just have a lot of feelings about this!

[bluesunsdusk]

PASSION, FRIENDSHIP, ROMANTIC, STORGE - Evfra, Akksul, Sigma

[Prompt source]

*Seeing as I have no ships in Siebren’s timeline that are used in rp context and which he is very excited about… I will have to use a non-rp ship, and place him in his taken in by reformed Overwatch AU.

PASSION: What makes your muse most excited about their partner? What characteristics make them feel closest to their partner? 

Evfra:

Well, if we go with the partner he used to have… They were so witty. They looked out for him, too. They kept his arrogance in check. It has been so long since I have thought of this, and his late partner hasn’t been fully fleshed out, so I will just have to move on.

In his ship with Lexi, he loved her dedication and her kindness. He loved her intelligence and her genuine personality. She cares about her people, and she extends that care to his. She understands him. Well, tries to understand him as best as she can without being patronizing. She respects him and he respects her. She does what she does because of love. A love for her profession, a love for her field of study, a love of learning, a love for her people, a love for her family. She looks out for him. She always puts in so much effort to try and help him relax, and he enjoys getting to reciprocate the care she gives him, which also involved very open and honest conversation about how they feel. He just... I don’t know. She is just a wonderful woman. Don’t ask him to elaborate, he has too many things to focus on. 

Akksul:

What partner? Oh, wait. He had a past partner, too. The guy was a cheeky bastard who made jokes to try and win his attention when he got too engrossed in his studies. He really likes his jokes, even if they didn’t always make much sense... Just a funny guy who tailored jokes for him.

Siebren/Sigma:

How to choose just one thing? You can’t expect him to choose one thing. Everything. Everything! They talk to him like he is person. Wait… That is the bare minimum. Hold on. Just a moment. He needs to find a way to the words he is to say. Not what someone wants him to say, of course, but his own words in a way that they are understandable, to both you and himself. 

Gosh… Perhaps that they don’t always excite him? Well, no one always excites anyone, but that means not everything excites him and we were just caught lying. When he is excited, they can remain calm when his excitement should be tempered, and they don’t get annoyed, unlike some people. They have their moments, of course, and Talon did a number on them before they recovered. Apologies. Hold on. He needs a moment to bask in the pleasant feeling of knowing that they have indeed recovered, and continue to do so, alongside him. He is proud of the both of them.

He is excited because, for the first time in what was short yet felt so long, he can see a future that makes some manner of earthly sense, and he isn’t alone in that future. He is excited because he saved them, and they came back for him. He is excited because they are excited for him and support him in his recovery. They even understand some of what he went through.

When he was in Talon, what he fixated on was the understanding. Being what they are, they can experience the melody with him, he thought. Thinking back on how strongly he fixated on it, he truly admires that, not even once during their time in Talon, did they tell him that he was scaring them. They handled his less graceful moments wonderfully. At least, until Talon broke them. Talon has a way of breaking everyone, so he doesn’t hold it against them. After all, they hold nothing against him either, and he nearly crushed several people they know to death.

FRIENDSHIP: What makes them happiest about their partner? How do they show support for their partner?

Evfra:

He’s happiest that she has a way of helping him manage his concerns and stress without stressing herself about it, and that she accepts that he needs time to adjust to the idea of being with an alien so suddenly. It was nerve wracking at times, but she talked about it with him and listened. She tried so hard to accommodate him and his alien physiology. She learned about his people and his culture and everything. Not everyone would be that patient. It was a little intimidating, honestly, because he was slower understanding her people and her father’s people. They still don’t understand each other’s people completely, but that would be impossible anyway.

When Lexi was stressed, he would try to make time, seeing as the Kett had been warded off for the time being and the both of them needed to use that time to rest their minds and bodies. It could be talking through long distance communications, but he much preferred making sure he could be there with her. Proximity is always better. 

Akksul:

Again, his playful nature.

Siebren/Sigma:

Hah! What doesn’t? So beautiful. Did you know their name means star? It’s as though it was meant to be, as though the universe itself willed it to be. Can you believe that? Amazing. It also means precious, and they are so precious. He- He is getting ahead of himself. His heart is not supposed to do what it is currently doing. Give it a moment. Actually, look at the time. Give it a night. That may have something to do with it.

They’re just so beautiful, and… Ah. That is vague, at best. Inside or outside? What for? Hm... They’ve asked about that before. The answer should be obvious, but finding the words is not. 

They put up with his nonsense when most would not. Some would call them crazy simply for that. They are intelligent, gentle, patient, adaptive. They like to listen to him, they’re naturally helpful, they love physical affection, they take the time to explain things to him when needed, and they sometimes get him small things for no reason. They don’t always understand him or agree with him on everything, but they don’t think less of him over those things. Of course, shared experiences would also form a bond, and he enjoys the familiarity as well. That, and they have a cute accent.

What excites him the most, though? Hm... 

They let him ramble about stuff and actually listen and try to respond, even at times where it takes more time and effort to process the things he’s saying. They talk to him about their interests and sometimes even try to find ways to combine them. All this they aren’t at all opposed to doing while hugging. In fact, they love cuddling while reading or watching things with him.

ROMANTIC: How do they involve themselves in their partner’s life? What do they do to take care of their partner’s needs?

Evfra:

Sparring. Just kidding. They liked crafting and family activities. 

With Lexi, he liked visiting to just kind of hang out, have dinner, walk around some parts of Meridian. He’d keep an open communication with her so she could connect with him even when apart. He likes good morning messages, believe it or not. If she needs something taken care of, he will do his best to take care of it. In fact, he got a little annoyed when he couldn’t figure out how to solve something, but she did, so it was fine in the end. 

Akksul:

Akksul really loved keeping his bf informed about his research into the remnant and would regularly send him updates. 

Siebren/Sigma:

Well, it can be difficult. He has very different needs, being an organic entity and all. He tries to include them in his hobbies and work. He likes to invite them to read with him. They both enjoy science. He likes to hear about the newest project they have hopped onto. They have the issue of taking on many different things within their field of study, making time management difficult. That the study of the mind could give one so much to do… 

As for dates, he tends to think dinner, but omnics don’t eat. It’s a strange and sometimes more exciting than it should be situation. It also has the potential to be embarrassing, but he’s luckily not embarrassed by the mistakes he makes in regards to this. They can joke and laugh about it. For now, simple things that require little sensory stimulation are nice. Walks, reading. He enjoys performances, so they can pick out appropriate venues. As long as it’s not too overwhelming, he can and will do it. 

He will always try to talk. Granted, he may get lost in his research for a bit and need to be pulled out, but the messages will commence once he is out. They may not always be full conversations, but it’s contact. He will inform them of any astrophysics related news. 

How to take care of their needs... Many hugs. Talking, too. Talking can be difficult. Doing things together, planning dates.

STORGE: Do they consider their partner to be someone they can share anything with? Do they feel they need to know their partner well in order to love them?

Evfra:

You said anything, not everything, so... yes. I jest. While he currently could not share everything, for trust was something that hurt his people in the past and there is an ongoing war, meaning Resistance operations require a level of confidentiality, he does consider his partner someone to be able to share matters of his personal life with. He may not share everything of that either, not without some time to ruminate on it, but he tries. He would love to work on becoming less closed off again.

As for whether he needs to know his partner very well... What counts as very well? What counts as loving someone? I will assume it’s romantic love in this situation. He does need some time to warm up to people, and he generally doesn’t form crushes easily either.

Akksul:

Not anymore. The man didn’t join the Roekaar, so he’s an ex now. Were Akksul to be with a new someone, he would have to feel as though he could share anything with this man. This would mean needing to know him a while, but Akksul forms affections faster than Evfra, so he doesn’t need to know someone for very long to love someone. 

Siebren/Sigma:

Does he consider his partner to be someone he can share anything with?

In general, one should be able to share most anything with an intimate (emotionally) romantic or qp partner. It’s impossible to share everything, however. There are things he would not share with every partner he may get over the course of this blog’s runtime. There are things he rather not share with non-rp ship partners. He wish things were that simple.

Does he feel he needs to know his partner well in order to love them?

Oh, definitely. He needs to know someone before he is able to develop romantic feelings for them. It’s why he can’t exactly relate to love at first sight or even love at first few weeks. Certainly, interest is possible at first sight, but love is a little more complex than that. Although, most people who fall for others faster than he does don’t even believe in love at first sight. Either way, romantic love is slow. Love can be chaotic once it reaches a collision course, but it is slow to do so. He doesn’t control at what speed love dives into unhealthy infatuation past that point. 

Though, perhaps it is less knowing them well enough and more knowing them long enough. Long enough to build a connection with them. Long enough to have... a spark, perhaps. He will never truly know someone. He will know an idea he has of someone, but perception is deceiving, especially to one with skewed perception, which he is aware he may have.

Granted, this says love, meaning it can be any love. We are assuming this is romantic love. To fall in love. See, he just sort of levitated in love, passed the event horizon, and nearly crashed. It just went wild from there before reaching an equilibrium. Even then, the steady orbit fluctuates from time to time, as seen here. That can be natural, if it is a steady shift, but this is not. Well, it’s not typical. Nothing is typical, but still. 

Anyway, to get back to the question again, even though I already gave a short answer at the very beginning... Yes. Yes, he does need to know someone before developing romantic feelings for them.

Siebren talking about his bae when he’s in an excitable mood: 

[incomprehensiblelentils]

multiples of 5!

5. Crunchy or gummy foods?

Generally crunchy but it’s not (usually) a texture thing, it’s because I prefer salty snacks to sweet ones.

10. What do you like about being autistic?

I think it gives me an interesting perspective on things! Like people tell me “wow, I would never have thought of that/I hadn’t thought of it that way” all the time and it’s for stuff that seems incredibly obvious to me. I also like how dedicated to my routines and schedules I am, it’s very comforting. It’s nice always having a fun topic to default to in my head when I’m bored. And I think my dedication to my longterm special interests is impressive even if they’re silly.

15. Is there a word or phrase you repeat a lot?

I tend to fixate on something for awhile and then slowly rotate it into my vocabulary. Usually it’s a quote from a movie or show (honestly it’s probably something from Mean Girls or Community). The ones that didn’t particularly come from anything are “I’m helping! (usually sarcastic) and “bodies are a curse.”

20. How do you feel about movie theaters?

I never really had a problem with them! I didn’t go to the movies until I was like 8 and I think that might be part of it, because by then I was starting to develop my own coping mechanisms and whatnot, and then after that I really only got taken to the theater once or twice a year until I was a teenager. I will say that the ones where your seat moves around and water squirts at you and shit sound absolutely awful and 3D movies are bad for sensory reasons because they refuse to make glasses that fit over my glasses.

25. Are you able to work, if so what do you do?

I do billing for an international security company. I basically conned my way into this job, I’m horrible with numbers and basically learn Excel by googling what I need to know and teaching myself if I can’t get ahold of one of my managers to help. But it is comforting because I almost always know what I’ll be doing each week - every single one of my clients works on a weekly or monthly basis, so barring special events I know about how many invoices per week I’ll have to do, and I have one meeting per week that’s always at the same time and I nearly always know what to expect for it. I am basically Jerry Gergich and I like doing the same boring shit every day, it’s comforting. (I do sometimes miss my transcription job, not the environment because that job was hell, but the actual work was really fun and I was really good at it.)

30. Do you struggle to read facial expressions?

Not very often. I actually have more trouble trying to make my own face do what I want it to in terms of how I’m feeling, and trying to explain my own mood via facial expression usually goes extremely poorly. I have resting sad face and when I’m overwhelmed in a good way I often default to looking like I might cry, it’s very annoying.

35. Is anyone else in your family autistic?

My brother has the diagnosis (sensory processing disorder), and my mom says she has “some of the same issues” as the two of us. I know I have at least one uncle on my dad’s side who never got diagnosed, and apparently at least one of my younger cousins also has “sensory issues” (this is my mother’s euphemism for it, and this is how I know she’s not-saying it).

40. Are you in a relationship?

Yes I am extremely married and she is also autistic and I love her very much!

45. What type of music do you like listening to?

uh. I guess...I like...lady singers? and uh...I lean a little more pop than anything else? dude idk I used to just pick a random song on the radio that I decided I loved and play it over and over for like three weeks until I wore it out. I do this with albums constantly. I spent like 80% of 2018 listening to Dirty Computer and when I wasn’t listening to that I was listening to the Jasper in Deadland soundtrack. I can’t tell you what my taste in music is at all because I spent 17 years of my life listening to exclusively contemporary Christian music so I think probably my taste is Very Bad.

50. How do you feel about phone calls?

The only person I willingly call on the phone, like actually get excited about calling, is my best friend of 17 years and this is because she hates texting, and I love her so much that I will happily talk to her on the phone. Other than that, I would be very happy if I never had to talk on the phone ever again.