#but i also feel like i am leagues better at writing so hopefully i can do her more justice this time too <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[ow1et]

do you care her based solely on pin boards?

[nocturnalchaos]

M’kay. So, for those who did not see it previously (as the post was a reblog and is kinda hidden on tumblr), below is the rough draft of the prologue that I am working/pondering on writing. And I am going to include my rough draft of the opening chapter I had in mind when I wrote this.

Author’s Note: This is written as a DamiRae fanfic which will explore what happens when Raven gets pregnant. I’m also contemplating if I should have the fanfic be a JayRae fanfic instead of a DamiRae (ie. Raven is pregnant with Jason Todd’s baby and there is no romantic relationship between Raven and Damian). When I first planned out this storyline I had DamiRae in mind. But a JayRae pregnancy is a storyline that is not really explored by a lot of fanfics (via what I can find on AO3 or Fanfiction.net). Also, I feel like I have a better handle on how I want to write Jason in this situation/fanfic. I don’t know… I will need to sleep on it.

—

Prologue(?)

John Constantine had never needed a cigarette so badly in his life.

And alcohol.

He needed a cigarette for the stress and enough alcohol to make him forget all of this shite.

He would have gotten that cigarette by now if he wasn’t afraid of a certain Nutter with a katana removing the hand holding the desired cigarette. The last one he tried to smoke near her had ruthlessly been bisected by a Batarang.

John looked down at the young, very pregnant, woman at his feet. Her panting could be heard over the chaos outside the pocket of calm readiness that enveloped the magic circle. The magic circle beneath their feet gave off a red glow. Giving everything an eerie vibe as they were partially lit from below. John prayed that this magic circle would do its job and provide enough protection from the shit show outside.

“Ahhhh! CONTRACTION!!” She shrieked as her hands clenched and stretched the fabric of her oversized shirt. Her face briefly turning demonic before reverting back to her usual appearance. Sweat dotted her face and dampened her hairline. Purple strands of hair clung to her sweat soaked face.

Bracelets of a matte black metal encircled the woman’s wrists. Hairline cracks had starting to appear in the metal when her first contraction had occurred. With each subsequent contraction the cracks had grown, and occasionally, gave off the odd black spark. Both the magic circle and metal bracelets encircle her wrists working together to protect everyone. Especially the bracelets, they will hopefully prevent her from leveling… everything.

Through gritted teeth she spoke.

“John!” Determination filling her usually emotionlessness voice.

“What!” He snapped the word at her as he stood next to her supine body. On the opposite side of her body, the Nutter stood guarding her with a katana in each hand. The Nutter shot John a glare before going back to his vigilant readiness.

“You’re going to have to deliver the baby!”

—

Chapter 1 (wip)

*10 months earlier*

Raven smiled softly as she looked at Damian from her reclined position on the king size bed. Afternoon sunlight from the nearby window illuminated her slightly disheveled purple hair as she head rested on a pillow. Titus’s big black blocky head rested on her flat stomach beneath her gentle hand. Eyes closed in contentment, the Great Dane’s big body sprawled on the bed next to his mistress. The dog’s stillness indicated that Titus was awake to Raven.

Titus tended to be a restless sleeper. He would shuffle, scoot, twitch, and curl during his sleeping hours. This habit of Titus’s bugged Damian when he allowed the dog to sleep on their bed at night. As the dog’s restless sleeping habits would wake Damian in the middle of the night. Because of his early upbringing with the League of Assassins, Damian was a light sleeper and always would be.

It had become part of her morning routine to make Damian a strong cup of coffee after nights when Titus was allowed to sleep in their bed. Yes, their bed.

When Damian had turned 18 and had been her boyfriend for 2 years, Damian and Raven had decided that they wanted to live together in shared a room in Titans tower as they were both still an active part of the Titans team.

Titus let out a deep sigh bringing Raven back to the present. Sounds of rustling and a deep male grumble came from Raven’s right.

Nearby, a 19 year old Damian Wayne, sat in a wooden chair. Long legs spread wide to support the lap desk holding his sketchbook in his lap. He sat hunched over the thick pad of paper. His fingers were covered in the sooty black charcoal.

—

Please let me know what you think in the comments or reblog. I am really curious to see what you have to say about how this story should turn out or explore.

[capgrassignore]

Hello there ! , Capgras here !

I'm new to tumblr so let me introduce myself , my direction and what is my purpose in here and stuff and get to know people here and be friends and moots !

-Alright ! who is me ?

I'm a -while im writing this post at least- a 19 year old Egyptian artist , since i was 7 i got fascinated by a game called "S4 league" and loved customizing my characters , and thus , i begun creating original characters since then , sadly despite wanting to have a career in art since i was young i didn't know what to study or what to do to actually be professional at art , until i was 16 when things started to clear up finally and since then i have been trying to be a professional artist (still trying in the process) , it may be seem discouraging to start late and all of that , but we dont get to see beginner artists because of likes and all and all we see is professionals and start to think "oh dear ! i'm very late ! it is me who is talentless?" but actually , neither you or me is alone and neither we are late ! we still can grow and be professionals and better ! just lets not give up !

-What am i going to be posting in here?

in this tumblr account , i will be posting my exercises , OCS , some fanarts and what i really like ! even post some writing too ! or some fake scenarios, Whatever you can eat !

- What kind of art you wanna have direction in ?

i have many in mind , but i want to be many things (its real tough!) , i want to be able to be a professional illustrator for scenes , and to be a concept artist , and an animator ! , i want to hopefully make a pilot episode of my story one day ..

-What languages do i speak in in case you wanna be friends or any form of communication?

I speak Arabic and English both Verbally and in writing !

-What genres do i post in here?

currently there is no specific genre i draw about , But i shall make blogs to some genres !

-What do i hope to achieve in here?

I want to post my exercises and talk about my favorite characters and original characters and talk passionately about their stories and designs and i like people to do the same with their characters with me , also, i want to grow as an artist and become better and i hope i get some support and advices around here ! i just don't want to feel alone <3 !

Thanks for reading all of that ! I hope we become moots and friends and grow together ! <3

[dorianepin]

eff one fandom (as in actual everyday sports fandom at large and not just teens online) is so fascinating sometimes because i think just the fact of it being a relatively "highbrow"/gatekeepy sport peddled for white europeans makes it so......... i don't know how to say this in a normal way but there are certainly nuances to how bigotry surfaces across mainstream sports products that i am occasionally made to reckon with when consuming it specifically. like why does it feel so lame at times to even acknowledge the existence of racism when it will always be vaguely or unintentionally misunderstood or regarded as plainly excusable... hm

i don't have time to formulate thoughts about literally anything these days (hopefully i will be normal next week. maybe. i don't know i'm tired) but i briefly reflected on a convo i had with h about sports culture earlier while brushing my teeth and it's so... occasionally fascinating to think about the conversations we have re: hockey's lack of "politicization" because in the end the more you try to rationalize systems of male violence it just becomes like is it better or worse when we insist that it's all a microcosm of real life and men are universally like this in practice anyway. or... i think it's weird for me sometimes because hockey as a cultural product, and then nhl players specifically as lionized figures and secondary actors in mainstream north american sports media, cannot be summarized by singular frameworks of recognition, and while there is an incredible amount of power and absolution present in the existence of a Successful Hockey Player from a purely cultural standpoint so much of that gets in a way tested when considered in the broader context of major league hierarchies and "marketability" disparities. but then it's also like.... ugh. [vaguely waves hand around at some dynamic triangulation of: Growing up even mildly good as a hockey player in canada inflates your ego by the time you're 13 years old x nhl players are literally the biggest losers in all major league sports in north america and the fact that there's any handwringing at all over tkachuk talking to shaq on an nba panel is fucking sad, man x even if you're an ahl scrub you can easily meet the My Dream NYC BF comp range everyone made fun of op on twitter for]

i didn't even think i was going to write a whole post about this lol sorry. i have more to say about the "morality" of a winning team but all of that is functionally useless so i will stop talking. only ambiguously related i have a team that i mildly prefer to win the cup but i do find myself returning back to my pessimism over the d*ly presser and how remarkably revealing the entire report procedure has been and what it says that ** will still get his cup day when all is said and done

[puppy-phum]

✨the tag game✨

thank you so much for tagging me @leonpob​ ♥ a perfect way to avoid my responsibilities haha

THREE SHIPS 🚢 i have a whole army of ships but the current ones i feel strongly about are puentalay, waikorn (waitalay????), and waantul. i place more importance on ships when they wake up my writer mind and insist on me writing them, so i also have a huge group of pairings i enjoy just seeing around (current fave trio would probably be palmnuengdiao, chopperben, and jimwen)

FIRST SHIP 🚢 my first bl ship - that i could consider a proper ship on my own standards - was probably kornknock from together with me. the first non-canon ship from any media ever was most likely either dom/brian from fast & furious or maybe luka/yuki from the manga series betrayal knows my name (uragiri boku no namae wa shitteiru) - who i guess can be considered canon tho, at least in the manga? the anime series didn’t get that far. (it was one of the first animes i ever watched and is still very dear to me)

LAST SONG 🎧 am currently listening to music on shuffle from the playlist that just contains everything i’ve liked from 2016 onwards so am just going to mention the song i most recently put on my current obsessions playlist which is:

Catch - Epik High ft Hwa Sa (from their new ep Strawberry)

LAST MOVIE 🍿 also the BTS Yet To Come in Cinemas ♥ it was a blast! 

CURRENTLY READING 📖 mostly fics but i also have matt haig’s the comfort book to read. was planning on taking myself on a date on valentine’s day and go to a nice café to eat something sweet and to read some of that ♥ am hoping it won’t make me cry in public tho

CURRENTLY WATCHING 👀 the list has recently grown shorter with the shows that finished airing (Between Us, 10YT, the other Midnight Series shows) but it’s still long! am currently following these dramas as the new episodes air:

Moonlight Chicken Never Let Me Go GAP The Series (am one ep behind tho) HIStory 5: Love in the Future A League of Nobleman

and otherwise am watching The Blood of Youth rn. am probably finishing that this weekend... and then am hopefully starting My School President and either Who Rules The World or When We Meet (both cdramas). 

CURRENTLY CONSUMING 👄 the blood of youth episodes and chocolate. it is always chocolate. that is my only comfort while i try surviving work and studies lol 

CURRENTLY CRAVING 🫦 instead of any food - bc i ate just now - i’d say a holiday trip to thailand. i’ve been to thailand before but not to that many places there and it would be nice to travel more around the country. i’d also love to appreciate the culture better now that i’m an adult and not only focusing on playing at the pool lol. and i would, of course, also love to go see my boys there haha 

ONWARD TAGS 🏷️ sending this to these wonderful ppl: @i-am-just-a-kiddo @wanderlust-in-my-soul @seanwhites @dimpledpran @stormyoceans @ardentlytess @nongnaos @thanawins @pannakorn @liyazaki ♥ i hope you’re all having an amazing weekend!

[classicpixels]

hi! i don't know if this is weird but i remember reading ages ago that you were a law student? i am as well and i'm going into my second year this october and i have no idea how to study more efficiently. do you have any tips? i'm going through a law student crisis!!! sorry if this is weird, i know it's not related to the sims but you and your content seems so put together and neat so i thought you'd have some tips for law or something lol. thank you so so much!!!

Hello! This isn’t weird at all, sweetheart x

I’m so excited to meet a fellow law student, so thank you for reaching out! You’re leagues ahead of me because, despite my age, I have just started my tertiary journey which is something I’m so happy (but stressed) about.

It’s safe to say you have much more experience than me but I would love to offer some study tips which will hopefully be of help to you x

Personally, I always briefly read through the modules before class so I can hightlight what I would ask during the lecture for further understanding of the topic. Taking notes in class really helps you stay focused on the lesson and absorb the information so much better, in my opinion!

Right after each class I would create my own notes while referencing my class notes and text books to reinforce the information I learned. This may seem tedious but I find that it helps me retain information so much better, especially the case laws and legal principles because you’ve repeated them a couple times and simplified it whilst curating your notes.

It comes in handy during exam seasons as you have all your syllabus condensed into something you’re able to understand and digest, rather than having to review so many textbooks and modules all at once which only adds onto the stress. It also helps you in answering exam questions because you’re able to cite case laws and apply legal principles in a simplified manner, which saves you a lot of writing time and wrist pains.

Keeping on top of things like assignments are crucial to stay on track, at least for me. Try to complete your assignments as early as you can so that you’re able to focus more of your time on studying and revising the syllabus which, as you know, is important because there’s so much to memorise and remember. By doing so, you’re familiarising yourself with the study materials rather than force-feeding information to your brain during study weeks.

If you’re a visual person, colour coordinating your notes will help. Eg. pink for statutes, yellow for legal principles, etc. Or if you have photographic memory, then I hear mind-maps are useful!

I hope these are helpful tips and that you feel less anxious about your law student crisis. Best of luck to you! “Vincit qui patitur.” He conquers who endures.

[silaschamberlain]

Silas...dad,I don't know where I should begin, there is my whole life to account for and so much I still don't understand. Mom never truly spoke about you and all my questions in the past have been unanswered. I've only just now discovered where you are thanks to Jasmine. I want you to know if I had known sooner I would have reached out then. I've wanted to know you my entire life. I've spent years wondering what my life would have been like if I had been able to have you in it. Would things have turned out differently? Would I have been someone else? Would you? I don't think I believe in fate. I believe we have some control in it all. The choices we make determine the lives we live. I feel as if blaming fates absolves us of responsibility. I am tired of the choices others made for me affecting my life. So I'm writing you with no expectations. No motive or plan. But because it feels like a choice I can make for myself. A choice to attempt to know my father. Whoever he is. For better or worse. It's my choice. I like to think you'd understand that. I'd like to imagine that you would understand me. If you don't respond I'll take that as an answer to all my questions. I'll accept it the best I can. I'm afraid to inform you that I've hardly ever been one to accept a lack of answers. I usually find my own ways of finding the things I want to know. And I'd like to know you. I suppose I'll start first. I'm a historian and I was accepted into a few Ivy League schools. I ended up not going. It's a long story but it involves my mom and sister and somehow that ruined it for me. Maybe I'll explain more if you write back. I'm engaged. Probably not for much longer. I think it’s a mistake after everything that’s happened recently with my step father. With Poppy and the supreme. I had always wondered who would walk me down the aisle when I got married. But now that I've thought about it I think it's a pretty antiquated tradition. Cancelling would solve that ck drum anyway. I mean my stepdad he’s gone and you’re not here. It would have been a June wedding. I'm sure mom would plan it all for me if I let her. She has strong opinions. Usually knows what she's talking about. If I have any ideas of my own I let her think they’re hers. It’s smoother that way. I guess that might come off as manipulative. I just think it’s pragmatic. I’ve not told anyone these things. Perhaps it’s easier to tell you since I know nothing about you and you know nothing of me. Maybe I should try harder to curate some image and pretenses? But if I’m honest I’m not confident you’ll get this letter let alone respond. And its so draining to always be whatever everyone else expects. Before I ramble too much I should end with what I intended to do and ask about you. I’ve wondered if I had your nose or if you also think cilantro tastes like soap. Such mundane wondering for a life time of absence. I have also been curious, what magic did you end up with? I wonder if it's all random or has anything at all to do with genetics? I hope this letter is well received and that I will hear back from you. Your daughter, Briar-Rose.

My little princess,

It's been far too long, kiddo. How old are you now? Twenty-five? Thirty? I can't quite believe it. You're all grown up and I missed it. All thanks to that mother of yours. How is your mother by the way? I heard about the man she married. What was his name? Milo? Mick was it? Mickey? Mouse? It's a shame what happened to him. But, I also heard that your mother was never all too found of him anyway, so hopefully it wasn't too big of a loss.

You can call me dad by the way. I'd like that. I miss hearing your little voice call me dad. I don't know if you'd remember- you were only four when your mother took you away from me, but we used to stay up without her knowing. I'd read you stories and lift you up and fly you around the room. Tickle your little feet until you were laughing too loudly and then, there, Alyssa would be. I used to get in trouble for that a lot. Your mom never really knew how to have fun, did she? Either that or she just wanted to keep me from you even then. It's why I'm not all that surprised she's never spoken about me. Though she does check in from time to time. Did you know that? Had Mickey call the Correctional Facility once to check in, make sure I was still here and I think there might have been some request to cut back my phone service time or something of that regard. It was silly really. But, I want you to know that the time we lost was not out of me not wanting to see you or be apart of your life. You are my pride and joy.

Speaking of family, I'm so glad Jasmine found you. I knew she could do it. Like father, like daughter and now, my kids are reunited at last! My three baby girls. What I would give to see you all together. I assume Jasmine has talked about me? All good things, I hope and how is our newly appointed supreme? Is she hanging in there? Heavy is the head who wears the crown, I should know, but if anyone can carry on the Chamberlain mantel its the three of you. Well, four, if you count your brother. If only we could turn back time. Things would have been so different, little one. I could have helped you with your magic, shown you all of the potential that you have that you don't even know. We would have had so much fun together and I certainty would have never pushed you to marry someone that bland fiancé of yours. I'm sorry your mother kept you from going to school of your dreams, but don't be too hard on your sister and, if it helps, you don't need mortal school, little Rose. Not even an Ivy league can compete with what you were naturally given and what I can teach you out in the real world. Though, I do want to hear the story. What kept you from attending? Humor your old man. I certainty have a lot of free time now that I'm behind bars, which I hope doesn't scare you. Why I'm here is a long story in it of itself that I could tell you, if you'd like? The truth, that is? Feed that curious mind of yours?

My advice? Break off the engagement. He'll only hold you back and having your father walk you down the aisle isn't an antiquated tradition. One day I'd be honored to and there is nothing wrong with being pragmatic. Hold onto that trait and hold your own. Your mother is not that scary. But, let others continue to think your ideas are theirs. You may not get the instant gratification from it, but you'll go far if you remain quick on your feet like that. I also prefer this Briar. The one who chose to pick up a pen and write to their dear dad without pretenses and I hope she continues writing. I'd hate for the conversation to end here. So, I'll tell you what? Write back and I'll tell you all about my thoughts on cilantro and what abilities I have. What abilities did you develop by the way? I can let you know if we have any in common and what of your brother and sister? What abilities does Poppy have? I feel like I've been completely cut out of the three of your lives, but I'd like to change that if you'd let me.

Until next time,

- Dad

[joshuasearing]

Tuesday 16th May 2023

Hey journal I started the day of by having a lay in in my bed and not getting up for a couple hours. Once I got up I played some rocket league on my pc for a couple hours and at one point I played a 1v1 game and ended up playing against this ex pro player called Jessie I used to watch him all the time on YouTube. So it was crazy to play against him. I ended up winning 4-1 before he forfeited against me and I instantly one. Also I scored two really nice shots against him which I was suprised about as I was really nervous and I still surprisingly played well. After a couple hours of this I also had breakfast I had these wraps with sausage, egg and cheese in them. At 13:45pm I started my hour driving lesson. This went well as I some how did not stall once which I swear is probably a first. I made a few mistakes however that is normal as I am still learning. During the lesson he took me on these fast roads. Which was ok however I was really scared as I don’t really like driving fast as I feel like I have less control and far more less confidence. He took me across a couple roundabouts. Some of them I did well and smooth however there was a couple of occasions where I missed spaces to go as I was either hesitant or not done all the processes needed to go. Also in the driving lesson I did some parking. So I did front bay parking and reverse bay parking. Surprisingly I actually did better at the front bay parking however usually it is the other way round. There was a couple times I did the reverse parking as I was not ending up straight as my judgement was off. After my driving lesson I walked to town and I am now in town. Since I’ve been in town I have been looking round some hops whilst I wait for my girlfriend to finish college now as I got bored I decided to go into Starbucks and just write in hear to give you a catch up of what is going on in my life. My girlfriend is currently getting the lift into town so hopefully she will be with me soon. It is difficult being in town at the moment as I have no money to spend as I got money going into stocks and shares in the next few days and I’ve also got to pay for another driving lesson before my next pay day. Next pay day I reckon I’m only going to be able to put £200 in but I’m not to sure yet. As I feel like I haven’t worked as much as the last two weeks. Anyways I’ve got saved for my first car at them once £1500 which is not to bad at all I’m hoping to get that to £2000 as soon as I possibly can. The problem with putting loads of money in my savings is as of recently I have had to be really careful with my money also I have been such a skint flint as of recently which I absolutely hate doing. I have not been able to buy stuff I want also I have not been able to treat my girlfriend. Anyways I will speak to you later journal bye journal!

[iholli]

I had the longest fuckin essay written for this, accidentally closed Tumblr and deleted it, then rewrote it even LONGER. LET'S GO. I am sorry in advance for how fucking long this is op

So I saw this post a while back and kind of passed it by bc I was like nah I don't agree, but it stayed in my brain and as I've been rewatching JLTAS and reading MM comics I'm actually realizing you're on to something with this, op. tl;dr Martians do have established telepathy BUT it's a huge question of abilities and morals in the entirely new element that is humanity. buckle up fellas I'm about the drop the longest session of J'onn J'onzz discussion the internet will ever see me write about anything ever because my god he is a complex character and also my favorite. if you couldn't tell from my entire profile.

This will focus on JLTAS & JLU of course bc that's my earth prime canon or whatever, but I'm pulling out comics for my main point too since I consider them canon-adjacent or even somewhat canon lore so you know. spoilers for MM 98, MM 06, and Justice League Infinity if needed under the readmore. also don't quote me 100% on everything cause I've only read the comics once and I have the memory of a flea but I have a lot of thoughts on this topic so bear with me ?? hopefully this will end up being cohesive and shit, enjoy 👉👈 content warnings in the tags !! please check them before clicking ahead bc there's some fucked up stuff early on !!

So, first things first, let's address the biggest thing, and that's Martian telepathy and the Martian code. In MM 98 it's established that Martians are a telepathic race. It's how they communicate the majority of the time, but here's the catch: it's all willingly. Martians have to open their minds to reading, they have to give permission for this communication to happen. Only the "cop" system, the Manhunters, can freely read minds and even then there's some level of permission required except in extreme cases. Which, going by JLTAS lore, is little to none. The Secret Origins novelization explains that war, poverty, etc, had long ceased to exist on Mars, so the Manhunter profession is not exactly in high demand. But I digress.

The ultimate crime in Martian culture is telepathic violation. In MM 98, at Darkseid's bidding, J'onn's twin brother Ma'alafa'ak forcefully invades the minds of many of the Martians in his vicinity (he's already a very bitter guy for a long list of reasons so this doesn't exactly take a lot of convincing), including M'yri'ah, J'onn's wife. on their wedding night. this whole story is really fucked up, guys. This mind rape-- yes, that's the actual Martian term for it-- is not only a horrific breach of trust but is also extremely traumatizing. M'yri'ah struggles greatly to let J'onn back into her mind (part of the sacred side of Martian telepathy is mentally bonding with a partner when they marry) after the fact because she just feels so tainted (you get the idea with the term rape being used for this situation, that's the only reason I included the word itself). When the Manhunters confirm Ma'alafa'ak's guilt the Martian leaders wipe his mind and remove his telepathic abilities so he doesn't have any memory of the incident and everything leading to it (which ends up not lasting long-term and makes him even angrier. the comic is a good read but it's depressing and fucked up. someone please give J'onn a hug. also keep this in mind for later).

To bring this around to op's original point, I think this falls into the setting of A Better World well. Bruce asks "can't, or won't?" of J'onn reading Lord J'onn's mind, and J'onn tells him "both." It's not a matter of inability, but moral conduct. J'onn is a Manhunter, so yes, he could barge into Lord J'onn's mind, but aside from Bruce's intuition he has absolutely no reason to distrust this other version of himself, so he refuses to do it. The Martian code means he can't do it without permission or reason, and his moral compass means he won't do it either.

So now that the precedent is set for the Martian mind reading code, let's get more into the JLTAS of the original post.

J'onn arrives on Earth and, as op mentioned, he is more than likely bombarded. Unlike Martians who have to open their minds willingly, humans have no such barriers. Their thoughts are all out in the open and they are loud (see Tabula Rasa). It's hard for J'onn to deal with this volume and I suspect he's only keeping it together because he's imprisoned in the Rockies, which aren't exactly bustling, and the stasis field doesn't let anything in or out. The Secret Origins novelization confirms J'onn was trying to reach out to Superman for at least six months (HOWEVER there's time discrepancy happening here, the Watchtower took nine months to build but Diana also says in Paradise Lost that she was off Themyscira for eight months, so take it as you will). Of course, I don't think the stasis field alone is to blame for this-- J'onn is more powerful than any primitive human technology, so it may not be that hard for him to get around the stasis if he so chooses, though he's also significantly weakened at this time. But he has to grapple with whether or not it's okay. If he reads Superman's mind, is he breaking the Martian code? Clark isn't Martian, but he's still another alien. J'onn seems to work around this by only establishing who Superman is and then implanting images in his brain to communicate the impending doom and J'onn's location-- a moral compromise.

(Secret Origins also established that the Imperium's species drained Martian abilities, so the Imperium and J'onn could communicate telepathically during their final encounter. That's the closest thing J'onn has to a "normal" conversation in the entire series and sequel. Not necessarily related, just thought it worth noting?)

So J'onn is well aware of his telepathic abilities, but adapting to their use on Earth is not just a battle but a full scale war. This can also absolutely explain why J'onn is nerfed pretty much the entire series. If he has to fight a physical battle on top of the constant mental war just to stay sane among seven billion people with zero mental barriers, J'onn is going to lose badly every time, and that's magnified tenfold when he has to use his telepathic abilities too. In Legends he tries to 1v1 Ray, who's been doing an insane amount of mental upkeep for 40 years, and knocks J'onn on his ass twice (credit to him for getting up the first time, but he attempts a combined physical and mental attack and it is excruciating, resulting in J'onn being out the rest of the fight. also this one is kind of a gray area for me in regards to the code and J'onn tearing down Ray's mental protection. Was it absolutely necessary? Was J'onn only dispersing an illusion? I don't know that I can 100% call this a breach of the Martian code so I'm not, at least for this discussion). In A Knight of Shadows when J'onn reaches out telepathically to locate Morgan le Fay (this is just him doing his job as a Manhunter, so he's not violating the code imo), the sorceress says J'onn is "merely an amateur" and "he has no idea who he's dealing with" before proceeding to absolutely destroy his mental state.

Relevant tangent, this is by far the worst telepathic backlash J'onn receives in the series, to the point I think it actively corrupted his moral compass and perhaps even truly set all this off. While he's struggling to fight the visions he knows are not real, J'onn is slipping, and during his fight with Etrigan he doesn't hesitate to barge into the demon's mind. And yeah, the tragedy of Jason Blood is what snapped J'onn out of it completely, but if you add the realization that he just committed the worst crime of his culture on top of it? Suddenly it makes a lot more sense why J'onn then tries to leave the League. That's almost more devastating for him than the visions of what he lost. He endangered his adopted family and did the one thing Martians are never supposed to do (even if Etrigan isn't Martian by any means, the principal stands, and J'onn is not exactly the best about giving himself the nuance of being largely under le Fay's possession).

Back to the point, in Tabula Rasa J'onn tells Clark that he can attempt a telepathic global sweep to locate Luthor (it's in his job description, again, so it's okay-ish), but J'onn has worked for at the very least a year and a half (I'm clocking it at 2+ years by this point personally) to shut out that much noise. Reopening the floodgates is going to be hard on him, and we see that it is, as J'onn has to escape to the quietest place he can find on Earth while he recovers from the agonizing mental barrage.

Next up, in Only a Dream we get the only moment in JLTAS or JLU when J'onn actually sleeps. He's in a semiconscious state on the Watchtower, the quietest mental place accessible. In Justice League Infinity we do see that J'onn actually sleeps at least somewhat regularly, so this absolutely backs up the sleep deprivation point imo.

In the same episode J'onn shows his power level more (why Only a Dream is my favorite episode set), but he's still out of his depth. Doctor Destiny is brand new to the mental game yet J'onn can't bring a normal human out of his hold. Destiny is ruthless, unhinged, and motivated to destroy the League and anyone who gets in his way, no holds barred. J'onn is only able to combat him on the mental field by bringing Clark, John, and Wally into the fray. "I'm stronger than you are here," he tells Clark, but Superman's not a telepath. When facing Destiny the villain says "You can't beat me," and J'onn knowingly replies with "That's why I brought a friend." J'onn is not equipped for this level of telepathic battle. He's got a leg up on his teammates, or at least most of them, but he's not strong enough on his own to take down someone so willing to break rules. I suspect even if J'onn could get to Shayera telepathically he wouldn't have been able to help her because she was so far gone in Destiny's mental hold.

Which brings me to the Thanagarians. At the beginning of Starcrossed J'onn mentions to GL that he can't read Shayera's mind, he never could, and he can't read any of the hawk minds. We find out that Thanagarians have a very strong natural mental barricade and when it finally comes down to life and death J'onn has to fight hard to read Kragger's mind. I believe the only reason he's able to get that far is time and perhaps desperation; by this point we've seen him getting a better hold on using his telepathy in this new element, a la holding his own going 1v1 telepathically with Grodd in The Secret Society (and it's still imperfect-- J'onn didn't realize the League was being mentally manipulated until after the fact, not to mention Grodd has had less time with his telepathic abilities than J'onn, so there's some power imbalance). Were the invasion any sooner I don't know if J'onn could've pulled off breaking a Thanagarian mind.

Which, yeah, that's exactly what happened. Although it technically falls under "necessary force" of the Martian code, J'onn had to absolutely destroy Kragger mentally to read his mind. It was exhausting, undoubtedly horrific, and very possibly traumatic for J'onn. And at this point I think he's really fully beginning to slip morally.

When JLU opens we see J'onn holed up in the Watchtower. He angrier, less friendly, doesn't interact unless necessary, snaps at everyone. He's gentler with the og group because they're family but even with them he's prone to be more short and snarky. He's always been sassy, but this reads to me as less banter and more just fucking tired and a little bitter, you know?

But why? J'onn's never been an extrovert, but why is he suddenly more hostile and withdrawn? My answer is he feels he's losing his hold on his moral compass, and maybe that scares him, and we know from so many JLTAS instances that J'onn is very much ✨ keep it to yourself ✨ with his problems (same, and bless him, but he's an impulsive idiot sometimes fr. makes him human). As early as Hawk and Dove, J'onn reminds Diana, "You and I have both been affected by our time among humans. It's important that we keep ourselves in check." I think this speaks louder volumes about where J'onn is standing than Diana. How far is he going to keep himself in check? Has he decided that hiding on the Watchtower rather than being out on missions himself is the best course of action to preserve his morals? Does he believe being around humans on an earthside capacity is driving him downhill? More importantly, can you blame him? He's seen the worst humanity can offer for years now, he just watched his closest friend fly off the handle at the smallest inconvenience. If power doesn't corrupt then maybe being exposed to humanity long enough will.

And it only gets worse. Task Force X (my favorite JLU episode) really smacks you in the face from this viewpoint. A group of humans breaks into the Watchtower. J'onn is unable to stop them because they threaten his team. He can't track them down because they've done major damage to the Watchtower systems. And worst of all, the whole thing was set into motion because another human betrayed the League. When J'onn figures out who was responsible, his immediate reaction is "I'd like to go in there and wipe clean the last two years of his memory." GL is shocked, asking, "Isn't that a little harsh?" to which J'onn only replies, very angrily, "We can't trust him!" This hits different after reading MM 98 because I see where this anger is coming from. This is very personal to J'onn. This is the biggest violation of his trust since Ma'alafa'ak (canon-adjacent, but relevant to consider) and his response is to pass the hardest judgement Martian culture offers. That's dark-- very, very dark. And all this because of a human. I know facing off with CADMUS absolutely did not make J'onn feel better about the whole ordeal either.

By season 2 J'onn is a total hermit, and they can't even determine when he was last on the surface. He wants nothing to do with humanity one on one and Diana calls him on it in To Another Shore. "You really don't like humanity all that much, do you?" J'onn only says "I don't... dislike them." Earth is his adopted home, he's duty bound to protect it, and to pull one of my favorite quotes from MM 06, "...this is a good planet, filled with good people. You just need to see it for yourselves."

Relevant tangent number 2, this comic is perfect for this point in discussion. The JLA has disbanded, and J'onn has adopted a more Martian appearance in public, which means he's trying to help people and he's only scaring them because they don't trust him, he looks different, but he's too tired of hiding to care anymore. As the comic goes on he's led to believe humans have been experimenting on other Martians and he kinda goes off the deep end to protect them. Yet in the middle of all this shit he still says there are good people on Earth.

So we can see where J'onn is at here. He knows there's good on Earth, that it's not all a waste, and that they're worth protecting, that's why he's still in the League helping people. But he doesn't have to like or even want to be around humans to still hold that belief (take it from someone who knows).

To Another Shore finally brings J'onn back to Earth, and this is where the tide turns for him (pun not intended pls). He's already on the slippery slope with his morals, and in the episode he doesn't hesitate to read Giganta's mind. He gets backlash from Grodd but he recovers almost immediately, and that's the worst part. He's not just capable of breaking the Martian code now, he's good at it, despite being isolated on the Watchtower for however many years. What Diana said to him and the tragedy of Prince Jon (why are there so many Johns in DC) hits full force and J'onn realizes being withdrawn from humanity is hindering as much as it is helping him. He needs to get out there and find the good he knows humans have to offer. He needs to be one of them, because yeah, he's going to live a long time and it's not going to do him any favors to spend that time alone, but he also needs to actually balance his abilities with the capacity of humans. He needs to find ways to reconnect with his moral compass, to adapt his code, right on Earth.

Also, having just reread, Justice League Infinity absolutely hits this home because he's still struggling with these issues. J'onn is finding a little peace and making friends among humans, but he's having to actively shut off his telepathic connection to the League which works like, 50-50 for him. When Overman shows up and a close human friend disappears, J'onn can't stay away any longer and rushes in. Unfortunately the instant he arrives J'onn immediately goes after Overman telepathically to shut him down because, well, he's a raving Nazi version of Superman with none of the morals to prevent him from hurting or killing. J'onn stops him kind of brutally, saying, "Your mind, Overman. Give it to me." J'onn's acting on instinct and emotion and he regrets it right away after reading Overman's mind to find he's just a broken man fucked up by Vandal Savage, and feels guilty about "violating his mind" for a long time after. He has to threaten Overman again bc this guy is dangerous and unhinged, and it works too well. Overman is terrified of J'onn. Feeling worse than ever J'onn tells Diana, "I am disgusted with myself. Telepathic invasion is anathema to me... and yet I did it eagerly." This is the second time he's expressed his guilt to his friend in this comic and I absolutely lend that to my reason why he left the League. J'onn's gotten too good at handling the power of his telepathy on Earth, he knows it, and it scares and disgusts him that it's so bad even other people are visibly afraid of him.

In a way being in the League didn't do him any favors. You see the worst of the worst, day in and day out, and most of the time the thanks you get isn't going to balance it. You're controversial, people love you, people hate you, you draw more trouble because that's how it works with heroes and villains, you get shit like Eclipsed happening. J'onn didn't get the Clark Kent Earth experience, he got the Bruce Wayne Earth experience, except worse because J'onn can hear the thoughts of seven billion people all the damn time, and people always think things they'd never say out loud. "You and I have both been affected by our time among humans" is such a raw line for this.

But hey, JLI nicely wraps the story for J'onn. He helps Diana and Bruce save the multiverse (in a glorious WonderBat moment) and when it's all said and done he decides he wants to be an ambassador for the League. J'onn is finding ways to best connect with people while staying true to the part of him that's so bonded with his family in the League.

Anyway, my brain totally ran away with this, hopefully I addressed the actual original post in all my bullshit ??? LMAO I have a lot a lot a LOT of thoughts and feelings on the complexity of J'onn J'onzz. There's soooooo much to him that JLTAS and JLU service well but not loudly unless you're looking for it.

(y'all please ask me things about J'onn. I love talking about him. I could go on for 4358366847 years and not cover everything I have to say. please take the keyboard away from me now I spent so many hours on this I HOPE IT'S READABLE OMG)

I've been watching Justice League the animated series and I just fell down a rabbit hole with my husband and have to share it/inflict it on everyone else:

Okay, going only off of thr canon in JL:TAS, J'onn J'onzz establishes that Martians CAN'T read each other’s minds when the Justice Lord version of Martian Manhunter shows up.

Which made me think, wait, did the Martians NOT know they were telepathic before that?

Like, yeah the white Martians invaded and it was implied that the green Martians knew at that point that they could read minds and the like, but like...I'm obsessed now with the idea of J'onn J'onzz had no idea that he could read minds until he came to earth and suddenly was in a world were every sentient creature seemed to be screaming all the time even when they weren't actually speaking

Like, part of his learning how to adapt to earth is learning how to use his sudden telephonic abilities. It even works well story telling wise when it comes to the issue of "opps our hero has a power that would make this plot end in a second" thing. Make it something that when he gets too overwhelmed and stressed it starts shorting out, or maybe it's something where it keeps him from sleeping because being relaxed enough to sleep means the mental walls he's managed to build for himself are lowered and all the chatter starts filtering in.

Sleep deprivation is honestly a great tool for writing if you use it right. Need your overpowered hero to be weak enough for this enemy to be a threat? Sleep deprivation. Your smart character to do something a little dumb in a way that isn't annoying to the audience? Sleep deprivation! As long as you make the effects consistent for the character in question it can give you a lot of breathing room for plot lines in a way that won't piss off your readers (so long as you don't over use it at least) while also adding the benefit of mixing in a little angst as your character deals with it.

Just, I really want a story of Martian Manhuntwr having to deal with sudden Mind Reading powers upon coming to Earth and all the interesting consequences and storylines that could come out of that.

[frogtanii]

iwaizumi was... overwhelmed, to say the least.

the past few days had been such a whirlwind of change that hajime could barely properly process, much less appropriately react to it all, so he behaved much like a zombie, saying yes when prompted, signing papers when told, and packing up what was his entire life for the past 11 months.

wow. iwaizumi collapsed on his bed as he scanned his now barren bedroom. he’d been here for almost a year and yet, all his belongings were in boxes within a couple of days.

hajime couldn’t keep the disbelieving chuckle from escaping his chest as he leaned back on his bed, dark brown eyes trained on the ceiling.

it felt like he’d spent such a large chunk of his life trapped in this house, under the foot of the woman who he thought he’d marry but in reality, he’d been in little leagues longer than he’d been in love.

iwaizumi scoffed and rolled his eyes. yeah, “in love”. it’d been about a week since his whole life started to unravel and he had hardly seen, let alone spoken to meiko throughout that entire time.

over text, she’d sworn up and down that she loved and cared about him but as she passed by him packing his things a few days ago, she’d barely spared him a second glance.

hajime wasn’t going to lie. it hurt. he’d opened his heart up to her, something he didn’t do easily, and she’d taken his trust and used it to twist him into her weapon.

he always believed he was stronger than this — he’d never forget his mother telling him so when he was younger. he had fallen and scraped his knee yet he refused to cry to keep from upsetting his mom. iwaizumi existed to live up to what his mother thought of him but here he was, completely enveloped in meiko’s shit, doing her dirty work and following her bidding like some mutt.

god, toorū was right. he really was her bitch.

“i could hear you thinking from down the hall, iwa-chan.” speak of the devil...

oikawa stood at his doorway, leaning against the frame with a posture that seemed relaxed at first glance but if you looked a little closer, you’d notice the tenseness in his shoulders and the tightness of his smile.

hajime quickly sat up on his bed before motioning for his old friend to enter. “uh, yeah,” he began, his voice cracking a little from disuse, “i have a lot to think about.”

the light haired brunette let out an understanding hum before wandering into the room, sharp observant eyes darting to look at all the empty walls. “looks like you’re all packed.”

“pretty much,” iwaizumi nodded before the room fell into an awkward silence, the two childhood friends completely avoiding one another’s eyes.

“look, i-“

“iwa-chan, i’m-“

they both paused for a moment before bursting into laughter, the sound carrying into the hall and throughout the house.

hajime wiped a few stray tears from his eyes, shaking his head at their awkwardness. “you first, shittykawa.”

toorū gasped in halfhearted mock offense before quickly sobering up, training iwaizumi with a completely serious look. “i’m sorry and before you go on some bullshit, self sacrificing rant, you’re not the only one to blame for what happened to our friendship.”

he sighed while making his way to iwaizumi’s bed, sitting down gently beside him. “i should’ve known better, okay? i shouldn’t have let my jealousy and insecurities get in between us but i guess i got swept up in the attention, yknow? meiko is actually charming when she wants to be.”

iwaizumi nodded in agreement, knowing all too well how compelling meiko could be. the room fell into a more comfortable silence as both boys escaped into their thoughts, questions about the future of their friendship flitting throughout their minds.

“oh!” oikawa was pulled out of his own head at hajime’s exclamation, his eyes moving to observe his friend dig through his pockets to procure a thick white envelope. “here. i’d like you to give this yn.”

all toorū could do was nod, his brain short circuiting at the sight of iwaizumi’s apparent kindness to the woman he tormented for so long. “uh, what’s in it?” he ventured to ask, his soft hands toying with the sealed envelope flap.

a soft chuckle came from across the bed. “don’t be so nosy toorū, just give it to her, yeah?” oikawa rolled his eyes but obliged, the bed creaking as he stood to his feet.

“so... this is it, huh?” it was like the reality of the situation was just now sinking in — they hadn’t been close in a while but iwaizumi was still his best friend and he wasn’t quite ready to let him go.

they’d been through so much together, practically growing up together and now, they’d only see each other on holidays, if even then, and then he’d never be invited to hajime’s wedding as his best man as they’d planned and he also wouldn’t be the coolest uncle/godfather of iwa’s children and—

“fuck no,” hajime scoffed with a bright grin on his face. “thought you were gonna annoy me til the end of time shittykawa. don’t tell me you’re quitting your job now.”

the hidden meaning behind iwaizumi’s words brought tears to oikawa’s eyes and before he could stop himself, he launched his body into iwa’s arms. hajime hesitated, his hands stuttering at toorū’s sides as though he’d forgotten how to hug but the feeling passed, his arms winding around his friend’s lithe waist.

“‘m gonna miss you hajime,” oikawa’s voice came out as a broken whimper, his arms tightening around his shoulders.

iwaizumi hummed instead of responding, too afraid of his voice cracking under the weight of his emotions. they stood there for a moment but the honk of the moving truck outside signaled the both of them of their limited time.

hurriedly, oikawa wiped the tears off his cheeks before waving awkwardly at iwaizumi as he left the room with a friendly, “don’t be a stranger.”

and then he was gone.

toorū finally allowed himself to collapse into sobs on his best friends empty bed, his palms pressing into his eyes as he sat there and just let himself feel.

apparently, he wasn’t crying very quietly because it took only a few moments for you to find him, your soft footsteps alerting him to your presence. oikawa scrambled to wipe away what he knew was an unattractive mixture of tears and snot as you got closer.

you were one of the last people he wanted to see him like this.

“hey,” you whispered, standing a few feet away from him. “um, i know this is probably a bad time but i just wanted to thank you for apologizing? back at the awards show?”

toorū sniffed as he looked up at you with confusion written on his face. “what? you shouldn’t thank me for apologizing. ‘s common courtesy.”

you laughed softly, nodding in agreement. “well, not always. so, thank you.” finished with your piece and not too keen on lingering where you weren’t wanted, you moved towards the door but were swiftly stopped before you got there.

“um, here. it’s from iwa-chan.” you gaped at the thick envelope oikawa was handing you before taking it and opening it, a low curse falling from your lips.

inside the package was a dense wad of cash, more money than you’d seen in months. accompanied with it was a letter, written in beautifully loopy handwriting.

you shut it quickly before oikawa could see, stuffing the envelope deep within your pocket where you could access it alone in the depths of your room.

“do you wanna come eat? last i heard, bokuto and tsumu were doing a cooking competition and i’m sure it’ll be fun to watch.” you were severely thrown off by the money and letter but you were determined to show toorū that you’d accepted his apology and were on your way to making amends.

he gave you a shy nod and trailed behind you to the kitchen, the loud sounds of fire and screaming coming from down the hall. you wanted to focus on the fun and merriment but the envelope was practically burning a hole in your pocket.

later that night, you finally got the chance to open the letter and read it, your former manager’s words bringing tears to your eyes.

dear yn,

i’m probably the last person you expected to hear from. you probably didn’t want to hear from me at all if i’m being honest and i don’t blame you. i know there is nothing i can say that could make up for what i’ve done to you but i’d like to try.

i’m sorry. those words don’t nearly express in and of themselves how truly remorseful i am but they needed to be said. there’s no excuse for how i treated you — not meiko, not my stress, absolutely nothing.

you deserved my common decency and respect and i didn’t give that to you. instead, i abused my position and made your life hell. i’ll never forgive myself for that.

uh, i bet you’re wondering what the money is? i promise i’m not trying to pay you off, it’s just all the money i’ve denied you since you moved here. i have a lot of wrongs to right and this is one of them.

sorry, i’m not very good with words but i just wanted you to know that i’m very sorry for everything that i’ve done. and i’m in no place to make demands or anything but i just wanted to ask if you’d keep an eye on oikawa for me.

he’s strong but he’s also vulnerable. he might be a pain in my ass but he’s my best friend and since i can’t keep him from drowning, i was wondering if you’d do that - not for me but for him.

anyways, this letter is shit but i suppose you get the gist. use the money for whatever you want and if you’re as unselfish as i’ve heard, you don’t owe me anything. you don’t owe me money, kindness, or forgiveness.

take care of yourself,

iwaizumi hajime

℗ poker face

so... this is it

series masterlist

(●’◡’●)ﾉ

an - soooo m back :D hopefully this is the last of my mini hiatuses!! this chapter sucked to write but i’m not mad at how it turned out?? pls let me know how i did skjdkd don’t forget to feed me <3333

taglist - if your name is in bold, i cannot tag you

@boosyboo9206 • @geektastic84 • @elianetsantana • @trashy-simp • @infinitebells • @6mattsun9 • @suhkusa • @katsulovee • @kotarosbabygirl • @fucktheworlddude • @insomniacwreck • @calumsfringe • @saltylettuce • @chai-blu • @al3x1ss • @hawksyoongi • @syndellwins • @jooleuuh • @loubells • @kissungjae • @liberhoe • @tetsurocore • @animeoverdosee • @duhsies • @saikishairclip • @afire24 • @premiyagi • @kit-kat428 • @doctorspencereid • @daphnxy • @kyomihann • @maer-333 • @sinoflust19 • @peteunderoos • @peachiikichu • @iidanotlida • @yongboxerrr • @kac-chowsballs • @tanakaslastbraincell • @memorableminds • @risjime • @starry-magicshop • @sugavwara • @smuttyanimeslut • @kiwibirbs-library • @haijkk • @airybnb • @crybabygumi • @iwaisa • @decaffinatedtealover • @notameera • @kawaii-angelanne • @rintarovibes • @urlocalsimp

the rest of the tags will be in the replies!!

[itsnothingofinterest]

Alight, I see that everyone’s enjoying the chapter; but I’m kind of not feeling it myself. Kind of feel like not much happened, the stakes are awfully low for the ‘final’ arc and kind of getting worse, and I’m a bit worried about what’s going on with the writing on saving Tomura.

So I’ve got some salt to get off my chest under the cut. Come join me if you’re feeling any of the above, but feel free ignore me if you’re enjoying things in this chapter. I’d hate to ruin anything for someone with my venting.

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(hopefully that’s enough to put this under a readmore even in general tags.)

Man but I am not enjoying how little a threat the villains are being right now. Like I said from the start of this war that the villains winning was never on the table even ignoring that this is a story. The stakes were only ever if the heroes would win with single digit casualties vs literally 0 casualties. A part of me still hopes there’s a chance Spinner can get the League & their loyalists out and we’ll get a My Hero part 2; but that’s the best chance they’ve got. They can only lose or run.

But this chapter just highlights just how perfectly things are going for the heroes, exactly according to plan. Like just how Shigaraki, thanks to AFO’s self-sabotaging, is so much weaker than from the first war while Deku is so much stronger. And backed by a practical army chosen specifically to take Shigaraki down. All while Tomura’s body is being piloted by a man far worse a fighter and far less dangerous than him.

And while I’m glad Deku didn't go feral; that emotional manipulation really was AFO’s only edge and now he’s got nothing. No more cards to play. He’s just screwed and we know how the rest of this goes.

Also, something about how Deku addresses AFO here just gives me anxiety; like he’s treating the enemy before him just as AFO so Tomura’s just a damsel to be saved without addressing any of the man’s own issues with heroes. It’s making me worry that Deku’s just gonna bank on beating AFO and saying nice words to make Tomura feel better about the Shimura incident; so he doesn’t have to challenge his beliefs or change things to convince Tomura he can be trusted as a hero. A potential resolution to saving Tomura that I’ve heard proposed many times before and made no secret about hating.

And then like; that’s kind of it. Deku arrives, looks cool, almost gets angry before Mirio calms him down, and calls out AFO as Tomura becomes a non-entity damsel in the conflict. Same with last chapter too, which was mostly TomurAFO walking menacingly, butt scene, 6 pages of spreads in a row as Deku arrives. And maybe that’d be enough if I was sold on how threatening TomurAFO was before this, and the aura of Deku being here to save the day did anything for me. But I was not so I am not. It felt even until now, so now it feels stacked against Shigaraki and I want to move on to something interesting. Specifically Spinner, I think.

[fruitcoops]

Part 3 of the disowning fic where Sirius calls Reg and Remus tells James (with Sirius’ permission ofc) and when Walburga calls Reg, he rips into her like never before. James rushing to Sirius’ house and basically having to be restrained from going to her house with Reg in tow.

Hopefully that makes sense. Sorry it’s probably really badly phrased

This makes a ton of sense--thank you for sending it in! Writing Regulus is such a neat challenge, since he and Sirius are so similar and yet so different. Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove!

Part 1 II Part 2

TW for disownment and past child abuse (mentioned)

If Sirius ever met the person that invented showers, he would kiss them on the mouth. With tongue, if requested.

His phone hummed on the coffee table; when he made no move to grab it, Remus reached over and flipped the screen up. “Reg is on the way.”

Sirius hummed and cuddled into his chest, tightening his hold on his waist. Gentle fingers combed through his damp hair and he was warm all over in the best way. His face and eyes still itched a little, and his throat was raw from crying so hard, but at least he finally felt clean. The ache in his gut had dulled.

Remus pressed his lips to the space just above Sirius’ ear and wrapped his arms around him, tracing patterns on his upper back beneath his shirt. The skin-to-skin contact was something he never knew he needed so much—he couldn’t imagine living without it now. “We should go on vacation sometime this summer,” he mused, absently braiding a few locks of Sirius’ hair.

“Where?”

“I dunno. Somewhere warm, where we can swim and you can get all sexy and tan.”

Sirius laughed against his chest and breathed in the honey-lavender smell of his soap. “As long as you promise to freckle.”

He could feel Remus smiling. “I’ll do my best. It wouldn’t have to be a long trip, either—maybe a week in Florida, or California.”

“Alabama?” Sirius teased.

“Honey.” Remus kissed his forehead. “If you take me to Alabama—” Another kiss. “—I will take the biggest spider I can find—” A third kiss, so sweet in comparison to his playful threat. “—and put it in your shoe.”

Sirius snorted. “Just divorce me, that would be nicer.”

“Mmm, no, you’d miss me too much.”

“Put a spider in my shoe and we’ll see if that’s true.” Remus’ shoulders shook under him as they laughed and Sirius kissed his collarbone, then closed his eyes. “Do we have time for a nap before Reg gets here?”

“Maybe. How fast does he drive?”

“Not as fast as Pots—”

The doorbell rang, and then kept ringing; someone knocked insistently on the door, and Sirius groaned as he untangled his limbs from Remus and wandered over.

Regulus was not alone on the porch.

“What’s her phone number?” James demanded, practically smoking with fury as he and Regulus stormed into the house. He let out a furious breath when he saw the open envelope on the kitchen counter.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at his little brother. “Did you call him?”

“Of course I called him,” Regulus scoffed. “We also called Logan.”

“Isn’t he in Canada for the rest of the week?”

“Yeah, but he said he’d be here on Friday.” Regulus gave him a quick once-over and a stormy look came over his face. “When did she drop those off?”

“She didn’t. The mailman did, just after five.” Something bitter tinged Sirius’ mouth. “That was after she tried to make Remus give them to me.”

“What a bitch.”

“Reg!”

“It’s true,” Regulus snapped, though his anger was clearly directed elsewhere. “She’s a horrible coward and you deserve better.”

James held his phone up to get Sirius’ attention. “What’s her number?”

“I’m not giving you her phone number, J.”

“Reg, what’s her number?”

Regulus bit his lip for a second, then shook his head. “She won’t know who you are, and she would sue your ass faster than you could blink if you lost your temper on her. Me, on the other hand…”

Sirius put his hand over Regulus’ phone. “Don’t do this. If she disowns you, too—”

“If she disowns me I’ll throw a fucking party!” Regulus all but shouted. The room went silent. “I am sick and tired of hiding and watching them hurt you. She doesn’t control me anymore.”

“I’m not letting you get hurt for me.”

“And I’m not asking for you permission.” Regulus stepped back and dialed a number; in the kitchen doorway, Remus and James watched them in a mix of shock and concern.

The call connected and Regulus’ whole face went stony. “What is it, Regulus?” a tinny voice asked.

“Is it true?”

“Is what true?” Walburga sniffed. “Please, Regulus, we’ve discussed this. You have to clarify your intentions—”

“Did you disown my brother?”

“He’s not your brother anymore.” Disdain dripped from her voice and Sirius’ throat constricted as cold fire lit in Regulus’ eyes.

“He’s more family to me than you ever were.” His tone was even and deadly.

“Don’t be ridiculous—”

“Shut up.” A protective urge jolted in Sirius’ gut and he almost smacked the phone out of Regulus’ hand. “Just shut up.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You’re a coward and a liar, and I hate you.” A fine tremor slipped through and Regulus gritted his teeth. Remus touched Sirius’ elbow gently, and he gripped his hand tight.

“Listen here, you silly boy—”

“You don’t get to hurt him anymore. Sirius is a better person that you could ever dream of being and the fact that you can’t accept when your own son is happy—”

“He disgraced us—”

“You disgraced us!” Regulus snapped. “You and your rules, your blood money, your parenting that belonged more in a prison than a house! I’m not stupid, Mother, I know what you did was wrong!”

There were a few beats of silence. “I did what I did to prepare you for the real world.”

“The real world doesn’t give a ten-year-old a black eye for breaking a plate.”

Sirius closed his eyes and clenched his jaw as Remus inhaled sharply next to him; James cursed under his breath. The plate had been one of his grandmother’s, part of a twelve-piece set that they were using for Thanksgiving. One flipped corner on the rug had sent him flying, but the porcelain shard in his hand had hurt less than Walburga’s fury.

She was breathing hard on the other end of the line. “The world is a cruel place, Regulus.”

“No crueler than you.”

“Watch your mouth, you ungrateful child, or you’ll find yourself in the same shoes as that stain on our family tree.”

A flinty look came over Regulus then; if Sirius didn’t know better, he’d say he looked almost smug. “Do it. I dare you to look the media in the eye and tell them you disowned one son for being happy and the other for calling you out on your terrible parenting.”

“We disowned him for being a failure and a disgrace.”

Grey met grey as Regulus spoke next, his gaze never flickering from Sirius’ eyes. “Happily married to the love of his life, youngest captain in the league, with two Stanley Cups under his belt? Doesn’t sound like a failure to me, and far from a disgrace.”

Remus squeezed his hand as Sirius swallowed back a few tears that had started to gather. He offered a weak smile and the corners of Regulus’ eyes crinkled slightly.

“I’m hanging up the phone now,” he said, smooth and collected. Walburga was utterly silent. “Never contact me or my brother again. If you disown me, at least have the dignity to do it in person.”

He hung up and slid his phone into his back pocket. “Jesus,” James half-laughed behind them. “Remind me never to get on your bad side.”

“That was really brave, and really stupid.” Sirius said as he walked forward. Regulus met him in the middle, tucking his head under Sirius’ chin in a tight hug. “Thank you.”

“Brave and stupid, huh? I’m turning into you already.”

Sirius flicked his ear with a grin, but never loosened his hold. “Brat.”

“Love you.”

He closed his eyes and felt Regulus’ heartbeat through his palm. “Love you, too.”

“Will you at least give me her address so I can egg her house?” James asked once they separated, already moving to give Sirius another hug. He melted into it; James had the incredible ability to make him feel completely and utterly safe, like the world couldn’t touch him as long as he was there.

“As amazing as that would be, I’d rather not see you arrested.”

“Fair point.” He pulled back a bit and James searched his face. A wrinkle appeared between his brows. “How can I help?”

“This is nice.” Exhaustion made Sirius’ limbs heavy and his head was starting to throb from his earlier breakdown. James pulled him back in and two more sets of arms followed, forming a shield all around him. He felt Remus kiss his cheek and Regulus’ hand splay over his ribs; James was steady, an anchor in the storm. “How am I going to tell people about this?”

“You don’t have to,” Remus murmured.

“If I don’t, she will.”

“Then tell them the truth,” Regulus said. “Maybe not everything, but the relevant parts.”

“We’ll be here with you.” James’ voice was soft. “Us, and the rest of the team. Anything you need.”

Sirius didn’t say anything, but he did sink into the warmth of their embrace and let the weight of fear and unease lift off his shoulders. The burden wasn’t his alone; it never had been.

[moondustis]

remember when (m)

pairing: jaehyun + reader genre: angst, smut, soulmate!au, rich kid!au, convenience marriage!au, hurt/comfort, college!au (more details + warnings after read more)  word count: 12,7k summary: A story about vulnerability and the lines we draw to avoid it. About soulmates, desires, setting yourself free. And, of course, a story about love and discovering exactly what it is. song recs: skin by mac miller and pure love by hayley williams 

warnings: there are some mentions of drug use, brief mention of mental issues, bad parenting. just overall some subjects that might not be comfortable to read like i usually put on my fics but it's nothing out of the ordinary, and nothing graphics happens!  disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. none of the events described are real or are an accurate representation of the people and brands named. 

a/n: i would like to thank mary (neostains) for requesting this fic and cami (caiuscassiuss) for helping me with some informations about how ivy leagues work lol. this is my longest work so far, i think, and it’s a very special one. i hope you guys enjoy it! 

✶

There was a time in your childhood where you remember being obsessed with princess movies. Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, name a fairytale and you would have probably watched it a couple of times, entranced by the images playing on the newest television your father had bought.

Isn’t it fucked up that young girls are always fed this stereotypical image of love? It’s like a woman is not good for anything but to love someone, to be a half until she found the other and became whole. At 8 you ate that up like no one else.

At 11 your mother hires someone to give you a talk, about how the world worked and about the weird name that would appear in your arm once you turned 18. It feels like a lecture, the woman telling you about perfect matches, the probabilities of love and soulmates in a flat tone that didn’t make you feel as excited as you did watching the fairytales you used to like. When you tell your friends at school about it, they act surprised at the way you were told and instead, tell you about the stories about meeting your true love their own parents had shared.

At 15, your mother enrolls you in preparatory school, with full theatricals about intellects and getting into the best college possible so you can do your duty as heir of your father’s company when it becomes necessary.

It takes you a while, but you realize finally that love is nothing compared to money when you see for the first time that the name on your mother's wrist is not your fathers. Not long after that, you find out that for the sake of the company, you would be marrying Jung Jaehyun, heir of the second biggest automobilistic company in the country.

At 18 you think romance and love are trivial things.

⋄

NOVEMBER, 2013

It’s a harsh winter, one that makes your hands tremble and your head hurt more than usual.

You rub at your temples as you make your way down the hallway as students pass by you at the same pace as yours to get to their next class. A dreading routine, one that is so busy it leaves you with no time to think of anything else but the essay you have to write, or the grade you have been waiting to receive.

Today, though, your headache is so intense that your mind is filled with nothing but a black void.

Despite that, you walk in small steps to your literature lecture. Your bag feels as heavy as your head and the thick wool sweater you have on is barely enough to keep you warm, legs shivering from the stupid skirt they made you wear. Knee length, of course, but still a bother to sit and move.

Fuck boarding school, is what you think as you pass a group of boys talking loudly. One of them has a Harvard pin on his cardigan, you notice in the back of your mind. It only makes you feel sicker.

The first bell rings and you realize how slow you have been really walking. A faster pace, a muttered curse and then the second bells makes you feel like your ears are melting, headache increasing. Now you’re late, a rare occurrence that will probably not affect your records in any way, but still, makes you walk faster.

It all happens very fast. You turn into the corridor that leads to your classroom but not a second later you’re bumping straight into someone, books in your hand scattering to the floor and head spinning from the impact. It’s hard keeping your balance, but the harsh grip on your forearms helps and then you’re opening your eyes, that you didn't notice you had squeezed shut in the first place.

“Fuck, I’m really sorry.” The voice is familiar but the curse feels alien on your ears. Jung Jaehyun never curses, he has manners better than that. “I’m running late and walking too fast.”

He mumbles and you almost snort at the obviousness of it all. At the fact you were literally doing the same thing. “It’s okay. I should’ve been paying more attention.” There’s no reason for either of you to be apologizing, is what you think about as your hand immediately moves to your temple again in hopes pressing on it will cease the pain.

He’s looking right at you when you finally meet his eyes. His face is painted with embarrassment, the red hue on his ears a dead giveaway. He doesn’t keep eye contact for more than five second, instead moving to pick up your books for you. “Still, I’m very sorry.” He sounds polite, as always. The curse from before is still fresh on your mind.

You had met Jung Jaehyun at the age of 9, not that you remember exactly how it went. Some random brunch where you and him sat side by side as your mothers talked about whatever was happening seven years ago. You remember your old nanny being there, and how she asked sweetly if you would like more juice. You remember missing her when she got fired three weeks later for unrelated matters that were never told to you. And that’s about it.

After that, the years passed with Jaehyun being a weird presence in your life. The rich kids ran in the same circles, that didn’t take you a long time to realize and wherever you went he was there too.

German classes at 11, the birthday party of the daughter of someone you didn't know at 12, etiquette classes at 13. An event for your father's company at 14, one of his fathers at 15 and now at 16, attending the same boarding school and having to meet each other like this, with awkward smiles and polite conversation. Because navigating a relationship you didn't know the other very well, but too well at the same time was a weird thing to do.

Jung Jaehyun was like you, but at the same time he wasn't. You were friends but at the same time merely acquaintances.

But this you remember vividly: him asking you random things at german classes and making you laugh with his awkward pronunciation. Him eating cake by your side at the birthday party, covering his lips before he asked you if you like chocolate or vanilla more. Him making fun of you quietly for dropping down your fork loudly in the middle of etiquette class. Him standing awkwardly by your side while you got reprimanded by your mother during the event, for not properly remembering the name of a lady that came to greet you, your head down as you forced yourself not to cry in front of him.

And then, his father clapping yours on the back after they talked about how lovely it would be if someday the two of you got married to join economic forces. No, not someday. When you two got married.

You, pretending he didn't exist after that day, because you realized that this too you wouldn't get to decide.

Jaehyun clears his throat, hands you your books. “How is your father?” He asks, a stupid question to ask when you're both late. A stupid question to ask, period.

You try not to grimace. “He's okay. Alive.” And then he’s chuckling lowly, awkwardly.

“That’s good, no company to run at 16 then.” He tries to joke and it's amusing, in a way that for someone else might not be. But you two are the same, at least when it comes to this.

“And hopefully never.” A stupid thing to hope for, but still he smiles at you.

Then the moment is over, the third alarm sounds and both your eyes shoot open and you’re muttering goodbyes before heading to your classes.

Your head still hurts, but you don’t feel as cold anymore.

⋄

2015

Anticipation, isn’t that just a fancier word to describe the gut feeling that something is going to happen? Worst yet when you know exactly what it is, but have no possible ways of knowing the possible outcome.

There’s a window behind your advisor, with a view to the field where the lacrosse team practices. You watch it with a lack of interest as the older lady flips through pages and more pages of what is possibly your future.

No, not possibly. Definitely your future. Because at least to this, you knew the only outcome possible.

It’s a pretty day, one that shouldn’t be spent inside a room with wood furniture and shelves and more shelves of books, that are almost as many as the certificates on the wall. Not when it also happens to be your birthday.

“This is a really good essay, ___. You have a talent with words.” Your advisor breaks the silence in a flat voice despite it being a compliment. It makes your eyes immediately refocus on her but she gives you no time yet to reply. “I am sure the admission team will read it with interest.”

“Thank you.” A polite smile reaches your lips. She was never much of a praiser, not that she needed to be. Your last name carried all the confidence you needed to have for a thing like this.

And, perhaps the interest they would be having would be exactly about that. What does the only heir of the biggest automotive company in the country have to offer for Stanford? Probably a lot, with a weight that heavy on her shoulders.

“You have started applications to only two schools, are you sure you would not like to add more?” Now she says it in a weirdly soft tone. Persuasion, because it would look good for the school that one of their best students accepted to all the ivy leagues. Your GPA would make sure of that, but that's not all.

“I don’t see the point. Stanford has always been my only choice.” You say it as nicely as possible because this is an old conversation.

“I see, well. This is it then, there's a few other students interested in attending Stanford too." She smiles bitterly, gathering the papers and putting it back on their respective folders. "But the chances of you getting in are very good. I'm sure all your hard work will pay off.”

You go to thank her but at that moment there's a pinch on your arm that leaves you distracted. It's followed by a weird burning sensation that doesn't cease when you grip it underneath the table as gently as possible. If anything, the fabric of your cardigan only makes it worse.

She bids you your goodbyes, with pleasantries exchanged but when you reach the door to leave she interrupts. “Oh, I almost forgot. Happy birthday, ____.” She smiles when you turn to thank her. “Please enjoy the rest of the day, turning 18 is very special.”

With a small bitter smile and promise to do so, you leave the room.

You reach your dorm room in no time, a stoic face on but with quick steps. And you try not to think about it, but the burning sensation on your arms continues.

It goes like this:

You close the door behind you gently, dropping your things down and immediately crumbling as you slide to the floor, unable to stand still anymore. You cry, for the second time today because birthdays were just not good. For about 10 minutes that's all that happens, your silent sobs and complete silence filling the room.

The burning in your arms stays there as a painful reminder and it tempts you to look, even though you know that the outcome didn't matter, not for you. Because behind blurry teary eyes you can see perfectly the image of your own mother's arm and the name of someone you didn't know, that she probably also didn't.

Because you are now 18 and you think romance and love are trivial things, that's all they could be.

You are now 18, and when you can't stand not knowing for another minute, you raise the sleeve of your cardigan and the name Jung Jaehyun is there on your wrist.

An ugly, incredulous laugh leaves your lips and soon turns into a sob. Of course it had to be him, you and Jung Jaehyun were tied to each other for a reason that was beyond fate.

You squeeze your eyes at the same time your hands squeeze your thighs, trying to get a grip. You calm yourself down, deep breaths in and out, your mind providing the good and the bad. No matter how you looked at it, it seemed like a trick the universe was playing on you. One, it would be worse if another name appeared, a name that you would have to pretend didn't exist, because this was just another thing you didn't have a say in. This was supposed to happen anyway, maybe it was better this way.

Then your mind provides another thought that makes your mind swirl. Jung Jaehyun had turned 18 in February, your name had appeared on his arms months ago and he didn't say a word about it to you, or to anyone for all you know. Maybe he was pretending too, maybe he wanted more time thinking that at least this he would get to choose.

Well, whatever fairytale that had been created inside stupid minds, was gone now.

⋄

The whole thing is announced two weeks later, in a gossip magazine with information from an inside source. Information that is carefully crafted from a marketing team the moment you reveal the result.

A result, like a test had been applied and you got Jung Jaehyun for whatever reason.

You exchange pleasantries the next time you see him, no trace of being too young to know the rest of your lives already. You just look at each other in maybe defeat, while your families make a toast to celebrate a wedding to take place in a few years from now. A wedding that held meaning beyond the marks that tied the two of you. Destiny just helped a little bit, it was just a good excuse to justify a marriage that had been arranged ages ago.

A month later you get accepted to Stanford, of course you do. And your mother's smile is a loud reminder of every single time she called you and inquired about every grade, every step you made to make sure this happened and that it all happened accordingly.

It doesn't take you long to find out Jaehyun got accepted there too.

⋄

AUGUST 2016

The heels of your Miu Miu boots make small stomping noises on the wood floor sounds as you walk through shelves and shelves filled with books. It’s not a loud sound, probably only perceived by your own ears, and you let it distract you as you navigate the big corridors of the Green Library.

Stanford had made your eyes shine during your first visit and then for the first months of your freshman year. The thrill of finally experiencing something new and yet undiscovered carried on until it gave space to normalcy, another routine. But this time, a feeling blossomed inside your stomach with wanting to eat it up.

A feeling that died and resurrected every now and then, but you played it safe. Navigating it with baby steps with fear of what could happen if you strained a little too far from the line. And what could that be? A magazine spread on how a famous philanthropic's daughter parties too hard in college, with pictures of you doing a line on marble countertops?  A class failed and the disappointment on your mother's voice when she called you? A scandal about your night escapades? You didn’t want to find out just yet.

So you settle for your new routine, of going out every now and then with the roommates that you were about to consider friends. Pondering if it’s worth it to join another club, just to feel like there's something else that makes you feel excited. Coming to the library, studying to keep your mind busy because your thoughts were never up to no good.

And it's so easy, being busy like you always managed to, with assignments, and volunteering and maintaining a perfect GPA.

It's also easy to ignore Jung Jaehyun’s existence. Because this time, unlike in boarding school, the task is much simpler, since classes are filled with so many people that on the ones you shared with him you barely get a glance of his eyes. Because he ran around in circles that had nothing to do with yours.

It was always clear to you, since youth, that Jaehyun was a social butterfly that just needed a little pushing, and he was nice enough that people always wanted him near. A high contrast to your quietness and introverted ways, staying in small circles and almost never allowing people to get too close.

It's weird thinking about him, putting a face to the name that was forever marked on your skin as a reminder of your future. It was weird thinking that it was easy to ignore this feeling too, like all the other ones that you have kept away in your small little box. The feelings that came out at least once a year when it all became too much, and you would sit in a duvet to spill all the dead butterflies inside your stomach out on the floor of a therapy clinic.

But even like this, weirdness doesn't begin to cover the way sometimes you catch yourself thinking of a memory that involves him, random and unexpected. A moment shared before the two of you discovered what expected you, before destiny was revealed. And you don't pretend that it's not real, that you don't feel the longing and need to be close, that your skin doesn't tingle when you see him around campus. You were long past pretending now, because there was no reason to play dumb when sometimes all you had were your own thoughts to rot your brain.

What you were good at, though, was concealing it all.

Was Jaehyun good at that too? Now that's something that you think about more than you would like. It didn't help that sometimes you would bump into him out of nowhere.

You enter the marketing aisle, eyes fixed on the small numbers taped to each section in hopes that the book you need was still here. It takes you awhile to realize that there's someone else with you, only moving your head up when you hear the footsteps approaching.  

“Hi.” Jaehyun says, a small smile on his lips that is as gentle as every other thing about his looks. He stands close, but not too much. A safe distance for you to run your eyes through his body one time, eyes stopping at the big ‘S’ on his sweatshirt.

You clear your throat before greeting him back. “Hello.” Your voice is low, thoughtful of your surroundings, but you match his smile in a silent agreement of politeness.

His eyes run through your face the same way yours does his. Curiosity, or maybe the longing feeling you try to not think about. The unspoken space in between the two of you is intact for now.  

He has changed so much in a year, is what you always think about when you two get to see each other up close. It always made you feel a weird nostalgia, seeing a face you had known for so long but now feels a little out of reach because of your own stubbornness. Your own fears.

“What book are you looking for?” He asks after some time, making small talk.

You turn your eyes to the books, him following. “Uhm, Kotler.”

“Oh, of course. How is marketing going?” You almost laugh at his attempt to make conversation, a skill well acquired during etiquette class.

“It’s okay. Not regretting it yet.” A half lie. Maybe another thing you were keeping locked deep down, your dislike for your major. But thinking about that while having a conversation with your soulmate was far from something you wanted to do.

He hums amused, eyes still fixed on the shelf. “That's good.”

You finally find the book, leaning down to get it and hugging it to your chest as your mind searches for something to offer for your own piece of ice breaker. Then you remember seeing his face last week printed on a glossy paper, an intricate article on consumerism tendencies online besides it.

“Congrats on the publication.” You say, facing him again. It’s genuine, because you knew how things like that really mattered. Small things that were nowhere near the accomplishments expected of the two of you, but still something to be proud of.

He laughs lowly, with bashful manners of looking down to his feet and with ears turning red. “It’s just a campus magazine.” Because of course he would be humble, amongst all the other qualities you were well acquainted with. Deep down you know that it's just a reflection of the high expectations that have been set the moment he was born.

“Still, it was very well written. And everyone said it was impressive for a freshman.” Everyone being the friend that showed you the magazine, but you'll pretend for him that it was something more. To try and erase the feeling of not deserving something that probably runs through his mind.

You would crush it beneath your boots if you could, it's the weird thought that runs through yours.

He huffs. “Well, it’s Stanford. Hard to know what's gonna be impressive and what is just expected of you.”

“Good thing we are all promising young adults that don't need their egos to be fed, right?” You joke back and it makes him laugh a little too loudly, quickly stopping himself as you two exchange awkward but familiar glances with tiny smiles on your lips.

A moment of silence settles next, one that lasts only long enough for you to shift the weight from one leg to another. Then he's asking. “Are you… Are you doing something this weekend?”

“I’m expected at a company party.” You reply flatly, blinking twice but not really pondering the reasons for his curiosity. You two stare at each other for a second that passes quickly.

“The HSBC event?” He asks and you nod, expecting the words he says next. “Oh, I'll attend it as well.”

“Boring, huh?” An attempt to continue a conversation that should've ended by now.

“Yeah.” He looks at you, and then away, and then back at you. “I was thinking that we could have din-“

Footsteps interrupt his words and you look behind your shoulder to see who the newcomer is. A tall man, taller than Jaehyun even, smiles at you guiltily before he’s looking at Jaehyun and raising his brows. “We are late, dude.” He deadpans as you look between the two of them.

“Shit, I didn’t realize.” Jaehyun says in a groan, bringing his big watch to his face,  and you have to contain a smile at the curse. Then he turns to you. “Sorry, I gotta go.”

“It’s fine.” You mumble, the book still held tight against your chest.

He waves awkwardly as the other man throws you another smile. You watch them leave with trembling fingers.

⋄

DECEMBER 2017

December always made you feel a little weird. Blame it on the cold and the days spent in bed trying to get the warmth you craved. Or on the impending approach of winter break and having to deal with your parents and your obligations for the month to follow.

But you try not to think about that just yet, when the time comes you'll deal with it. That's what you always do. For now you let your bed swallow you as you scroll down mindless through your instagram feed, double tapping publications of past boarding school acquaintances smiling with the Harvard location attached to each picture, just like the brand names are attached to their clothes. It's a little pathetic to you that your own account looks the same, with pictures carefully picked with a marketing tactic in mind.

Your little distraction is interrupted when the door to your room opens and your roommate, Ela, walks in, clearly shivering from the cold even underneath her thick dark grey coat. “God, it's fucking freezing outside.” She mumbles as a greeting, removing her boots and setting it close to the door before draping her coat on her chair.

“How was the meeting?” You ask from under your blankets, laughing a little as she drops her things on her own bed. The question makes her sigh loudly.

“That dude is still an asshole.” The dude in question being her partner to a never ending project of rebranding that sometimes stressed even you, from how much she talked about it. “But we are almost done with it now.”

“That's good.”

She plops on her bed, across from yours and a comfortable silence settles for a moment as she probably tries to have a moment of calmness.

Ela was an old face on your life, having attended the same school but never really getting closer than knowing each other's name. Still, it was good that you got paired to dorm with her. A familiar face that became a friend of sorts, as the two of you built a relationship on things in common and the want to have someone you could trust in a new place. And she was different than you, more outgoing, had a liking for socializing that you could never match, but still understood you.

“Hey, did you finish that essay already?” She asks, turning her face to you.

“Yes, it was bitch to write.”

“And Kotler is super boring to read.” A sigh escapes her lips and you agree loudly because she's right. Sometimes, when you allowed yourself a moment of wishful thinking, you would wonder what it would be like to have a major that you didn't feel like your brain was melting from boredom when reading about.

“I'm really tired.” You reply, just to say something back.

“Same. Are you doing something for winter break?”

In your mind you know exactly what you'll be doing, a schedule even ready on your mind, but  instead you say “Not really, are you?”

She hums, voice tired but still excited as she goes on about how she wants to go to Europe again, visit Amsterdam because that was one of her favorite travel destinations. When you ask how it was, she describes in perfect detail, how the streets looked and how it felt very welcoming, telling you that you absolutely had to go there someday.

You promise to go and in the back of your mind you wish you could. Maybe you can if you can do more week hours on your internship and ask for a free week.

You shake your head at that though.

“Oh, I got this little get together today. At that bar downtown.. .Do you want to go?” You know she’s asking out of politeness, not because she didn't want you there but because you rarely said yes to her invitations.

But there’s a tiny spark on your chest, one that resembles the restless feeling you would get when you stayed too long laying down. It's not a motivation as much as it is boredom and the wish to feel something other than half emptiness. Other than the want to escape.

“Ok.” You say, shrugging slightly.

“Really?”

The raise of her brow makes you laugh. “Yeah, we are getting home next week. That's the last time I get to do this for a while.”

⋄

The bar is a little crowded, with winter break approaching and no one really daring step outside for a smoke because of how cold it is. The owners took great advantage of that by offering a ‘buy two get one free’ deal, that if you take a closer look at is really just a scam considering the price. But it's enough to fool college students that are excited about being away from this place for a while.

That’s what you think about after you down the remnants of the third drink you and your roommate shared. It’s not that kind of night, of getting wasted and not remembering anything the next day. It’s more of a little get together, for your roommate's club members and you are here merely as an intruder.

You feel just a little tipsy as you listen to her friends talk, some of them you knew from afar and some were just strangers that were nice enough to make you laugh every now and then. Still, you feel detached from the conversation, smiling and nodding when needing but not really taking part.

“What about you, ___?” A girl with round cheeks and pretty eyes asks you regarding your vacation plans. “You gotta invite us if you are throwing a party.”

You scoff before you can catch yourself. Alcohol always drops your inhibitions a little, but still you are quick to cover it up. You laugh along with the others, promising to invite everyone even though you are not throwing any parties, most likely never.

You roommate looks at you from the corner of her eye, smiling sympathetically because she knows you, and knows how stupid her friends are, but it's fine. You just wish you could just take it easily, the interest, the wanting to get close so they too will appear in a gossip magazine and live the life they think you do, without wanting to tell them to get a fucking life already, because this is just pathetic.

You smile back at her, wishing for another drink as your thigh highs start to roll a little uncomfortably. Shifting from leg to leg does nothing to help it, so you try to push the little annoyance to the back of your mind.

The small groups divide in different topics over the time, and you find yourself talking to some guy you had never seen before, that goes on and on about his amazing business ideas and how successful it's going to be when he finds the right stakeholders. You nod and try to focus through the whole thing.

The rest of the night goes like that. Fake laughter, loud music and conversation that gets more boring as the clock ticks, so you find an escape excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, not because you need to but to get away for a second.

In retrospect maybe it would've been better to endure another discussion about LA clubs and entrepreneurship.

The bar is so crowded that you have to excuse yourself at least five times, and on the sixth one you end up bumping into someone.

“Oh.” Is the clever thing you say when your eyes are met with Jaehyun already looking at you, his eyes lower than usual from probably taking advantage of the drink deal like you had.

He looks relaxed, hair parted in a way that shows his forehead and an all black outfit that doesn’t look as expensive as it probably is, but he makes it work so well that you do a double look while in your hazy state. If he notices, he doesn’t show it by the way he keeps his smile unfazed at you.

“We gotta stop seeing each other by accident,” he says, laughing a little.

“Yeah.” His words take a little to digest so you keep looking at him for a beat of a second. It’s a first, seeing him in a place like this. Where you can see just how well he really can adjust to any setting. He fits right in with the low lights and the relaxed atmosphere.

“This is Johnny.” He gestures for the guy besides him, who turns his attention to you and smiles in a way that’s a little familiar. Then you realize he’s the guy from the library over a year ago, and the friend Jaehyun posted pictures every now and then on his instagram page.

“Hey, It’s nice to meet you.” Johnny says, same smile from before still on and you return it. “Have heard a lot about you.”

That makes you laugh, a mixture of confusion and excitement and politeness that confuses even yourself. “Good things I hope.”

He tilts his head playfully. “Only the best things you can hear in place like this.”

The three of you share smiles, the interaction then turning into a conversation promoted by a question you ask, both from wanting to have something to say and out of curiosity. Johnny does most of the talking, explaining how he and Jaehyun had been friends for a while but only got closer now that they are attending the same university. They share a story of something that happened, them buying each other the same thing for christmas and you listen to the whole thing entranced.

It’s weird in some way how you can learn so much from your own soulmate from someone else. And it's weird how you react with joy, perhaps, to the teasing Johnny does to Jaehyun so naturally.

When the conversation settles down, Johnny looks between the two of you for a few seconds before he’s excusing himself to find an unnamed person. It was predictable he would do that, with the way he kept aiming the conversation to make it about Jaehyun, as if he somehow had to wing his friend to you.

You stare at your shoes, unsure of what to say now and maybe too worn out from the whole night to come up with something to talk about. But you don’t have to, because soon he’s asking  “Are you here alone?”

You look up, a tiny smile on your lips. “No, I came with my roommate. But she's with her friends.”

“Oh, I’ll keep you company then.” He offers and you nod, following him to the bar where it's more illuminated and you can both lean a little on the counter.

Jaehyun is good at making people feel comfortable, you had noticed that many times before and it's no surprise when he asks you about your roommate, about what songs you have been listening to lately. He tries to keep a conversation with ease, even if it stays in the usual surface you two are used to.

If you weren't so distracted by everything, your mind would probably offer that it feels a lot like when you were kids and standing in the corner of a ballroom in uncomfortable clothes, talking about things that didn't matter.

“Have you ever been to Amsterdam?” You ask him suddenly when the past topic dies down.

“Yeah, it's really nice there.”

You hum, remembering your roommate's words. “That’s cool, I really want to go there someday.”

Out of nowhere he starts laughing a little, as if you had said something funny. When you inquire about it, he shakes his head clearly amused by the way his eyes squint a little from his smile. “It's just… Don’t you think it's weird that we have known each other for all these years, and all we do is do this weird small talk?”

You laugh too, speaking before you can stop yourself. “And still for some reason I feel like I know you.”

His eyebrows raise for a second but his smile is unfaltering, your statement not bothering him.  “You know me.” He says, as a matter of fact. “And I know you.”

Now this makes you freeze, blinking slowly but it doesn't last long until you are covering your surprise by chuckling. Your eyes meet his and it strikes you that it's true, you know him and he knows you. Not everything, but what would be the fun in that.

Maybe that's why the two of you kept doing this small talk, to get to know each other better even in the smallest things. That's what getting to know someone is, after all. Not the business interviews and networking you grew up with.

You shake your thoughts away, leaning on the counter with one elbow and then resting your face on your palm. “What is your favorite thing about me then?” It's what you ask, in a playful tone to keep the conversation going. Or because you actually want to know, out of curiosity or vanity.

He chuckles, bringing his hand to his face as if in deep thought, before he replies. “I like that you are smart.”

The simplicity of it makes you snort. “Please, that's a cliche thing to say in a place like this.” You say, mimicking the words his friend had said to you earlier. “What does that even mean?”

“I don't know.” He shrugs while laughing, “Johnny just says things like that sometimes.”

You nod then, making an amused sound while you turn on the counter to stare forward. Your roommate is on the opposite side of yours, leaning against a wall while talking to a girl taller than her but just as pretty. The view makes a tiny smile settle on your lips, the beginning of a spark on your chest.

It always amazed you how people who didn't know their soulmate yet continued to live on, simply letting the universe do its thing naturally. In your young mind you had always thought that love was supposed to be a yearning that you couldn't control, that you would have to be with the person you love no matter what, and do anything to find them. That had changed now.

You turn to Jaehyun again. “What would you say is your favorite thing about me then, if we didn't know each other already?” You ask. It's a weird question because it makes him raise one eyebrow at you, but there's still not a trace of annoyance on his face.

“Isn't that also cliche to say?” He huffs. “That you are the prettiest girl I have ever seen?”

You can't help the embarrassed laugh that leaves your parted lips in shock. “Are you flirting with me?”

His ear gets an incredible red shade and you find it extremely charming. “It's just the truth.” He defends himself and it only makes you giggle more.

You thank him, tell him that you think he’s pretty too and correct it to handsome when he raises one eyebrow again. It makes a nice atmosphere settle and you feel comfortable enough to ask “So... if we didn't know each other you would flirt with me at a random party? Buy me a drink and all that?”

He smiles, dimples showing while he brushes his hair back. It's not the first time, of course, but you find yourself a little in awe at how pretty he actually is. Pretty in a way that makes you feel a little out of it, stunned by the way his lips start forming his next words.  

“What do you like to drink?” He asks casually.

Now it's your turn to raise one eyebrow. “Hmm, I like Moscow Mules.”

You watch as he turns to the bar, calling the waiter over and ordering two drinks of your said preference. The mixture of feelings on your chest make you feel drunker than you did before and you wish you could put a name to it. Excitement, amusement, whatever it is only increases when he looks at you again.

“I’m Jung Jaehyun, by the way.” He offers, smiling sweetly and you match it when you realize what he's playing at

“I’m _____. It's nice to meet you.”

⋄

Playing pretend with him is easy, even more when the drinks make your inhibitions fall completely. Jaehyun tells a joke and you lean forward a little. Then you talk about something and he comes closer as if to hear better. Another drink and plenty of silly conversation later, he's completely invading your space in a way that you don't feel slightly bothered by.  

Not even when leans to whisper in your ear. “Do you want to get out of here?”

You leave the bar giggling like the two mildly drunk people you are, basking in the joy of it and of the little fantasy you two have created. Jaehyun keeps you close, your hands linked and it's such a nice feeling that you get even more overwhelmed in a good way. The two of you walk almost glued to each other basically skipping and muttering playfully things just to say something.

When you are near the dorm complex, he stops abruptly and when you turn to him, his hands find your cheeks and his eyes search yours for a brief moment before he’s bringing your face closer to his.

It's a sweet kiss, contrary to what you thought it would be when you allowed yourself to think about this. You had always imagined desperation, not being able to endure not doing it anymore. But the reality is that Jaehyun kisses you with delicacy and  even if there is desperation to it, it's not in a way that overpowers anything else. But in a way that makes you moan lowly, makes you press him even closer by grabbing his shirt as he moves his lips slowly against yours.

There are no fireworks, no deep realization that you are kissing the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. But it's good, makes you want more, makes you want to bring him closer than possible, and maybe that's proof enough.

You reach his dorm in a blink after that, him having a bit of a hard time opening the door but when he does it takes no time for you to be pressed to it.

For a moment he just looks at you, eyes hazy and shining. They run through your face the same way yours does his, with longing that is finally allowed. You try to quiet the way your heart beats by leaning forward and kissing him.

The kiss is hungry but never too fast, with his hands moving to your hips and you pulling on his lips. When you moan a little at the feel, he opens his mouth a little, sliding his tongue against yours and you swear at yourself for waiting so long. Swear that you will never get enough of this.

Your lips move together in a way that is proof enough to you that this is something else even in your drunk state. His lips are soft, tongue moving with yours as if he wants to take his time and when your hands move from his shoulders to his neck he  shudders, parting from you with a wet sound.

“W-We should...” He murmurs against your lip and you nod before he even finishes, letting him lead you to his bed. It feels a lot like yours, and the rest of the room is just as familiar but you pay no attention to that when he lays you on it gently.

It’s no surprise that Jaehyun is a giving lover and you figure that out when he kisses you like he wants to find out exactly what you like. Exactly how to make you fall apart in his hands.

He does everything with an expertise that maybe should make you feel jealous, but out of all things you are, a hypocrite is not one of them. So he shows you what he has learn from other people, and you show him what you have

And he doesn't settle for anything less than kissing all over your body after the two of you get undressed. For less than telling you in whispered words that he has dreamed about this before so many times and immediately swallowing with his tongue the words you would never be able to let out.

That you had dreamed about this too.  Dreamed about coming on his tongue as he eats you out, your hands grabbing at his hair and seeing stars. A giving lover, of the best kind,  Even more when he asks, with his mouth shining with your arousal. “How do you want it?”

You blink as your mind spins with the endless possibilities, but the ultimate realization that you would have him any way.  You decide on the one that gives you more control. “I… I want to ride you.”

He bites his lips, ears burning red again. “Yeah,” His words come out mumbles as he just looks at you for a second before moving to lay on his back. “Yeah, ok. Fuck.”

You straddle his hips after he rolls down the condom, his eyes looking up at you in what you think is adoration, pure desire. And then you kiss him again, all tongue but still slow. So deep that you think you’ll never forget what he tastes like.

He lets you sink down at your own pace, palms on your ass when you move slowly, feeling him stretch you with every inch you sit on. He hums, hands tracing your skin delicately and it only makes it so much worse.

You move, a grind at first testing the water and immediately crying out lowly from the friction and you look for support with nails grabbing at his chest. He doesn't seem to mind.

“Good?” A stupid question to ask with the way you are so wet around him that the room is filled with a squelching sound when you move up and down with all the patience in the world.

Still, you nod. “You feel - Fuck - really good.”

He looks down at where you’re connected, biting his lips to suppress the noises you want him to let out so you move your hips with purpose, eyes roaming his face to watch it contort in pleasure as he lets out the prettiest moan you have ever heard. Low and deep.

His hands move further down then, gripping your hips and moving you in a grind that feels too good. So good that you have to drop your arms to his chest for leverage as he moves you to his liking, pushing your hips back and forth.

You come with your back arching, long moan of his name as your entire body shakes and tingles and you have to grip at the sheets beside you for support. You try to keep moving as your orgasm washes over you but its too much and your walls clenching around his cock  makes him grip your ass even tighter, the action sending a thrill down your body as you fall forward on his chest with a wail.

Your mind swims in the gooey feeling of pleasure and all you can think about is him. Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun.

He waits for a second, hand moving to your back as your body trembles, drawing calming circles on it. When you have calmed down, he plants his feet on the bed and starts moving his hips up slowly and patiently but with deep strokes that make you bite your lip with oversensitivity.

And when you can, you move your head up, balancing yourself on your arms and looking at him. He wastes no time in kissing you, not deep because he parts his lips in a groan during a particular stroke, speeding his movements and grunting when you try to meet them back.

It’s when he has had enough, that he pulls out only to turn you on your back so he can enter you more easily, his hips now meeting yours in a pace that tells you that he’s close.

“Jae, oh… oh my god.” You sigh dreamily yet broken enough that it makes him smile when a sharp thrust makes your hips raise a little. He looks proud of being able to get you like this.

He hums as if agreeing with a very thorough statement, moving his arms so he can press his chest to yours as he fucks into you with calculated thrusts . You can barely move with his weight on top of you, with how he seems to lock you in place with his hips and it’s enough for another broken sob to fall from your lips.

“Deep?” He asks in a groan and with a nice slide of his cock inside of you to punctuate the question. You nod frantically because he’s as deep as he can get, knows this very well, and the feeling is something that makes you flutter around him in the desperate need to come.

He kisses your cheek then, two sweet but filthy enough with his heavy exhales against it. His pace never gets too fast, just hinting at it but he maintains a speed that leaves you in the brink of another orgasm. But, you only reach it when he pinches your clit with his fingers, circling it until your lips part in a silent scream and you’re coming again, stars behind your eyelids.

And the sounds he makes when your walls squeeze just a little more than he can handle are something else. A deep groan and a pained little sob that you find extremely endearing and hot at the same time, his face contorting as he quickened his pace just enough to push him over the edge, finally releasing inside the condom.    

He pulls out, breath heavy as he smiles at you falling putty on the bed and watching as he removes the condom and disposes it only to come quickly to the bed quickly.

He hovers over you, kissing you sweetly. Your arms find his shoulders easily as the two of you bask in the afterglow of it.

Then he kisses you again, tongues dancing together and you don’t mind when his hand starts to wander again, sending goosebumps to your body. His fingers find your clit with ease, circling it slowly before applying more pressure as your lips part and your hand grip his arm, for support and not to cut the actions.

You come again, not as strong as your first one but still enough to have you shaking a little and screaming silently. His finger stays at your clit, hovering until he asks again in a whisper. “Another?”

You nod, and he resumes his actions slowly, until you are seeing starts and he swallows your moans with kisses and stops your trembling with soft hands grounding you.

When you recover your breath, an incredulous laughter leaves your lips. “You’re insane.” He just smiles, nose brushing against yours.  “God, I...I gotta clean up now.”

He moves to get up. “Yeah sure, I’ll show you the bathroom.”

You end up cleaning together, a shower that doesn't take you long, even if it's hard to keep your hands to yourselves but you are both tired, feeling a little drained after the glow has gone away.

⋄

Afterwards, you are laying on his bed side by side, surrounded by the smell of his body wash and wearing the big t-shirt and sweatpants he offered you.

Your mind starts wandering lazily with the remnants of your high, that's why the words escape your mouth without much thought. “Isn't it weird that even if we have someone in the world meant for us we can still feel lonely?” You are not lonely right now, not really. Maybe it's just the sadness of winter speaking, or maybe you're still a little drunk.

He takes a second to reply, voice low when he does. “Yeah. But you don't have to.” He says.“ Feel lonely, I mean. You don't have to.”

It's a little funny how he feels the need to explain himself to you, as if you don't quite understand him when the reality it's both very far from that and exactly it at the same time.

“I don't think thats how it works. It's not up to me.” If it was, wouldn't you have stopped being lonely by now? Wouldn't you have finally succumbed to the desperate need of wanting someone, something, when late night hit and the mark in your arm would burn just as your eyes as you fought back tears?

Still, he says simply. “I think it is.”

You smile sadly then, turning to him a little and watching as he kept his gaze on the ceiling. He looked relaxed, as if this setting was soothing his mind and it makes a familiar feeling blossom on your chest.  “What did you feel when the mark showed up on your arm?” A question that you had wanted to ask the moment you found out it was him, but instead had failed miserably to guess the answer to.

“Relief.” He says without thinking, a truthful and genuine reply.

“That you wouldn't have to end up marrying someone that wasn't your soulmate?” You ask. All these years you had thought that this must've been it, what you felt that day.

“No. I was relieved that it was you anyway.” Is his reply, body turning and eyes meeting yours. For a second you’re frozen, blinking because it’s strange to have someone put their feelings out so easily.

“Is… Is that what love is, then?” You ask softly. “Relief that you have at least one person that makes you feel held?”

Maybe this is not really what he meant,  and more so wishful thinking of your part than anything else, but still he nods.

“I think it’s that. And other things.” His voice is soft when he says this. “I'm not sure what it is, but I want to find out.”

You can’t help as you examine his face after his confession. Is this what being soulmates is, then? Having someone that it's worth taking the risk of finding out? Or maybe it’s having someone that will show you exactly what it is.

Does all that explain the way you can't look away from him?

“Me neither.” You reply in the same quiet voice because it’s true. You tend to act like you know everything, and that you know what love is. You know love it’s pathetic and that it gets in the way of things, but is it really that bad? So you ask “Is it bad that I think you'll only love me because the mark on your arm tells you to?”

He laughs briefly. “No, it makes sense.” His eyes find yours again. “But you know it’s not, don't you?”

“I do.” At least you do now.

Maybe that's why you fall asleep so easily

⋄

2014 (flashback)

It’s the last day before summer break and Jaehyun is tired.

The other four guys he shared a room with are all packing their things for a nice vacation somewhere in Europe or one of the paradisiac beaches they all like to talk about. Jaehyun just wants to get home, not think about college applications for two months and maybe go somewhere he can be alone for a while.

“Sooyoung is kinda hot, huh?”  Yugyeom says out of nowhere and the room settles in a unison hum of agreement. He joins in too.

There’s a loud creak noise as another one of his roommates slumps into the bed but he doesn't bother checking who it is, mind somewhere else as he stares at the ceiling.

“True. But I would die if Ela gave me her number.” Jungkook sighs dreamily and Jaehyun can't help the snort that escapes his lips. Just yesterday they had a conversation exactly like this one, but not quite as innocent. Trust a group of men that have no idea who their roommates are to act like this.

Even though Doyoung, the only one of them that already knew, still acted the same when it came to this. His soulmate isn't someone he knew already, so what was the point in waiting. That's why he asks the next question. “Jaehyun, you know ___, right? Does she stick to the whole ‘waiting’ thing?”

Jaehyun blinks, shifts almost unnoticeable. “I don't know her like that.” Is what he says, which is a half true. He knows her, probably things no one else knows but that’s what happens when you grow up in the same circles, he guesses. Right now though, he feels like he doesn’t know her anymore, not with the distance she had put between them after the wedding was announced by your parents.

Then, he starts thinking about himself. Is he waiting for his soulmate? He has kissed some girls, but it never went beyond that. But now he remembers coming home from german class one day and his mother making soft cake as she told him about the name that would appear on his wrist.

He remembers that he had said loudly that he wished ____ would be his name, because then they could be better friends for some reason as silly as playing around together.

Sicheng interrupts his thoughts by snorting loudly. “Are you really trying to hit?” He asks Doyoung. “Gonna end up in the cover of a magazine for trying to corrupt the nation’s good girl.”

The room erupts in laughter and comments after that. He drowns it with his mind going somewhere else.

That night he dreams about her.

⋄

10, FEBRUARY 2018

Winter break goes by quickly with one too many end of the year celebration and wishing people you had never seen before a happy new year.

You spend your days fulfilling your internship at the company you would one day own, following around the superiors for the Marketing team and playing nice when they try to flatter you.

So busy that you can barely think about it, but you still do. You think about him so often that you think you have lost your mind.  And you see Jung Jaehyun too, here and there at parties, between whiskey glasses, tuxedos and unspoken words. Because, as you always thought, keeping it all unsaid is easier. At least for now.

Perhaps he knows it all, in a different way than you. So the two of you kept it lowkey, for the duration of those two months that are now gone with the wind. Two months of not a single magazine spread on your escapades, or you parents mentioning anything that is out of the ordinary.

It's as if the two of you have a secret, that some may assume, but still don't know for sure. What you and Jaehyun did that night is kept inside a locked box, one that you share with him and that every moment until now seems to fit in. What you don't know is if he too keeps the box as sacred as you do.

What you don't know is if the thought of it being opened by prying eyes scares him too.

Being back to campus is, ironically, a breath of fresh air. No more business meetings disguised as family celebrations, or stupid networking, or smiling for a camera to say that the company has never been better. No more internship and lack of time for something else.

February comes and it's just you, your dorm bed and the roommate you will miss when it's time. Just the lectures and keeping busy and trying not to think about things only to fail miserably.

But then, there are the phone calls, never ending and always the same. Or almost always.

The phone lights up, stupid ringtone, and your heart starts beating a little faster. How could someone ever guess what a phone call is about?  Not having control made you antsy.

Your mother greets you as always, stern words, asking how you have been out of politeness. You spend the entire phone call waiting for her to just say what she wants to already.

She mentions being busy, good opportunities, of an article you should read and something that sounds like a threat if you let yourself slip and get a scandal, even though she has said all this not long ago after gifting you another piece of jewelry you’ll keep stored deep in your drawer.

At least this time it doesn't take long for her to finally say what she wants. “Jaehyun’s birthday is soon. Don't forget to greet him.”

“I won't.” You reply simply but she’s quick to cut you off.

“Publicly. Maybe sending flowers would be good, or buying something that can get attention from the press.” It’s obvious this is not about you and your soulmate, it’s about you and your future. As everything is.

“Ok.”

“Just because he's your soulmate doesn't mean people will connect you two together forever.” She continues, never knowing when to stop. “You have to remind them of that.”

“I know that.” Because you do. There was no guarantee that your marriage with Jaehyun would be good publicity if the two of you weren’t liked or even popular.

You fear that when the time comes, people will realize something you yourself already has. That maybe you don’t really deserve Jaehyun, not because he’s better than you, but because you are not sure you can give him the love he deserves.

What you don't know clearly yet, is that you’re selfish and want him anyway.

“Good.” Your mother says and then the line cuts.

One time a therapist told you that maybe your mother was jealous. Because you would get to experience something she didn't, being with your soulmate, and that it was normal. It didn't mean she was evil and hated you. Another one said that that was the reason she was so stern, she wanted to keep you in line to prevent you from failure so as to not hurt you. That, behind the lack of affection, was a wish for your happiness.

Maybe there will be a time you understand that plenty. Maybe some things can never be truly fixed, only forgotten.

Four days days after that, you text Jaehyun a simple happy birthday with a heart at the end of it. You also get a chocolate cake sent to his place from a bakery you like, and when he calls to thank you, you tell him to not post it anywhere.

He laughs and tells you that it's a good idea.

⋄

2007 (flashback)

It was another late afternoon party, for another thing that you couldn’t remember or care about because things like this shouldn't really matter when you are only ten years old. Still, you had watched the other kids play with each other as their parents talked business and laughed, drunk from the bubbly drinks they downed glass after glass of.

For a moment you felt like reaching out and playing with them too, but it died soon and you stayed unmoving on the chair you had been placed in, while your parents did the same as the others somewhere in the distance.

It had been a pretty day, you remember, the sun was about to set and it made the shiny fabric on the tablecloths that were spread around the individual tables set outside, sparkle just the tiniest bit. You played with it to have something to distract yourself with.

You remember too, that Jung Jaehyun and his family were at the table right in front of yours, your parents greeting each other and talking briefly. Later on the party you had watched as he listened to something his mother said to him. She was beautiful, like your own mother, and you had heard her voice before so it had been easy to imagine in what tone she was speaking. Soft and low, how warmth felt like. As to the content of her words you would never know, but it had clearly been something nice because it made her son laugh as she patted his head.

You didn’t know back then that this moment would stick with you for the years to come, for a reason that at ten years old you were just beginning to understand. But still, the weird twist in your stomach, as you started to realize that something was wrong, would be felt many more times. As you realized that your family dynamics were not as warm as the others appeared to be.

⋄

25, FEBRUARY 2018

What you and Jaehyun have turns into something hard to describe.

The line you had so clearly put between the two of you, to avoid your future, had been replaced now by acceptance and the weird feeling of navigating a relationship that It’s still a new thing, but it’s also nice enough. Especially when he sends you a silly text and jokes about something, later on commenting the same thing on one of your instagram posts. It makes you feel giddy, that you have a shared secret.

Even more when he gives you a small knowing smile across the table while your father is non stop talking about the new model the company is about to release.

It’s a small dinner to celebrate Jaehyun’s birthday, or at least as small it can be in a restaurant like this, where the waiter will look you up and down if you are not wearing your prettiest silk dress and stiletto heels.

The whole thing had been rescheduled twice, because of busy schedules and whatnot, and now that both your parents had been able to fly here, you all sit underneath lowlights and drink expensive wine that is accompanied by a conversation that is so boring that you have trouble keeping up with it.

He finds you on the rooftop, hair blowing a little as he walks to you and in the back of your mind you think it’s a crime that he looks this good in a suit. That’s probably all the wine you had talking.

“Sorry I left you alone there.” You mutter with a sympathetic smile thrown his way when he reaches you, but you both know you are not sorry at all for escaping the stupid conversation your parents were having.

He chuckles. “You leaving was just a reason for me to escape too.”

The two of you turn to look at the city, the illuminated buildings looking minuscule from here but the tiny lights from each of them make for a breathtaking view. Jaehyun stands so close to you that your arms touch. You don’t mind.

“Looking at the city like that makes me feel really small.” You whisper, without really thinking.

“That’s because we are.” You hear his voice clearly, warm like honey and you don’t try to help the smile that forms in your lips.

“How do you do it?” The question makes him look at you, raising one eyebrow. “I mean, you always sound like you got it all figured out. While I just say the most random stuff because I don’t know who I am.”

You know you are the heritage left to you, the face of your father's company, a good student, smart. One of the few socialites that have never stepped a foot out of line, according to the magazines. But take all that and what’s left?

“I don't.” He says simply, “I’m just good at pretending, like you are.”

That makes you laugh. “Good to know we are both good at playing our roles.” You say, as a joke, because you are sure the two of you are beyond the acting now.

And It’s always funny to you how the masks the both of you put on fall completely when you are alone. That’s what it means to be friends, you had realized, and that’s what you decide to call your relationship for now. Friends, from a long time, that happened to be tied together for other reasons.

And Jaehyun is a friend that sometimes makes you feel like you deserve the love you crave.

“Hey. You are ____.” He says after a second, for good measure. “That's enough, you don't have to be anything else.”

“Is it enough for you?” You ask without really thinking.

He smiles, dimples showing and your heart grows warmer. “Yeah, and we can figure it out together. Who we are and all that.”

You share a smile, both staring forward at the view and shivering a little from the night wind.

“I’m sorry for getting you into these deep conversations.”

He laughs deeply at that, with his whole body. “It’s good, don’t worry. I want you to trust me, even if you won't let me get to know you.” And you do, you want to desperately trust him and let him in. ”Because you are scared I can't handle your daddy issues or something.”

A scoff mixed with laughter leaves your lips. It’s been a long time since you were able to joke about this with someone. “It’s mommy issues, please get it right.”

He turns to you with a silly smile on his lips. “Is it because she made you take those piano classes?” He jokes and you laugh before tilting your head.

“Wait, how did you know I played the piano?” That was ages ago, finally a hobby that you enjoyed amongst the numerous other classes your mother had enrolled you in. You played it for a long time before you stopped completely for whatever reason.

“You told me, when we had to introduce ourselves and talk about things we liked in german class.” He explains. “You said you liked it, even though your mother forced you to go.”

You turn to him now as it strikes you that Jung Jaehyun remembered you from his childhood the same way you remembered him. Not the same things, but still memories. The thought is so comforting that you can’t hold the way your cheeks move up in a smile.

“What about you?” You question. “What things did you say you liked?”

“Hmm, I don't really remember.” Is what he says with a shrug.

You two share a look, perhaps meaningful but maybe that's the wine making you feel on cloud 9 under his gaze.  “What do you like now?”

He chuckles as if your interest is amusing. “I like… music, getting coffee with friends. That kind of thing.”

“Not cars?” You joke, making him laugh. You decide then that you like making him do it.

“I mean, a little.” He replies playfully, and it’s very easy to be comfortable like this.

It’s good to know after all this time Jaehyun was like you, even if you felt alone in the world sometimes. That’s what a soulmate must be after all, not the missing piece to make you whole but someone that makes you realize exactly that you don't have to be.

“We should get coffee together sometime.” You offer after some time, a gentle smile being shared between you two in laziness, at the thought of soon having to return to the restaurant and popping out of the bubble you have started creating for yourself.

“We should.” He says, and the bubble stays afloat a little longer.

⋄

JULY 2019

It’s another charity Gala, with sparkly lights, champagne, fake smiles and a dress too tight. Everything is the way it always had been, except for you.

And Jaehyun, whose hand stays on your waist as he guides you through a slow song. He had wanted to dance, said he always thought it was nice when lovers did it in movies.

Lovers. The mere use of the word had made your heart somersault in your chest, but you kept it down. Instead, you move with him with soft smiles adorning both of your faces.

Your hand finds his cheeks. Nothing could describe the look you give him in the light but pure admiration. And you don’t care if anyone sees it,  you don’t care if it ends up in a magazine spread. Because even if everybody knew about it, this is yours.

The way he brings his hand on top of yours, and how his eyes match the exact look on yours. Every little detail about it makes you know that this right here belongs to the two of you and nothing can change it.

“Jaehyun?” Your voice is low, almost inaudible underneath the music and conversation echoing through the ballroom. “I don't want to be here anymore.”

His eyebrows raise at your confession, steps faltering for a second as he loses the rhythm “What? We can leave right now if you want.” He offers. “I came with my own car, so we can-“

Your soft laughter interrupts his words. “No, I don't mean right now.” You explain, swallowing around your next words. “I meant.. I don't want to keep playing a role, I want to go somewhere with you where no one knows us.”

A smile grows on his lips, one that tells you that he understands exactly what you mean. And you don’t have to guess anymore, there are no more maybes. You know.

“Okay, we can do that.”

He pulls you closer, dance now long forgotten as you just move in complete muscle memory.

“I want to find out.” You confess in a whisper. A secret between the two of you that no one else would ever know.  “I want to go somewhere with you and find out.”

You wonder if he already found the answer to it, to what love is. But you also don't need to know right now, because you will know when you have to. Either way you want to find out  and it's not for you to guess.

He smiles genuinely at you, with his dimples showing, like he always smiles at you.

You smile back, heart aching from something that can only be only be explained by years of shared stories, and in your mind, deeper connections that go beyond what everything and everyone inside this ballroom would understand.

You smile back, in the exact way you have always smiled at him.

⋄

APRIL 2020

A ray of sun peeks from the half closed curtains and set right above your eyes, getting you to wake up lazily and slowly. It takes you a while to come to it, the sheets on the bed just now starting to feel truly familiar with the warmth left on the bed, from someone that had probably gotten up just a little before from you.

You blink once and twice before your eyes are completely open, vision still unfocused but it slowly comes back as you stare at the bedside table. A lip balm is the first thing you see, then your phone and lastly a picture framed of you and Jaehyun hugging in front of the sunflower field at the Van Gogh museum. He’s laughing, at something said by the kind fellow tourist that had offered to take your picture, and you have the beginning of a smile on your own lips. One that you mimic perfectly now as you remember that day.

Your thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the door opening and Jaehyun walks in the bedroom, holding a bowl. His eyes are still drowsy and his hair a mess but you  think he looks right at home. Because he is.

“Morning, baby.” His voice is low and raspy, but enough to make you melt even more on the sheets.

“Good morning.” The smile settles fully on your lips now.

He sits on the bed next to you then, almost drowning inside his large t-shirt and hair plopping cutely when he tries moving even closer to place the bowl with sliced fruits on your lap. “We gotta add apples to the shopping list.” Is all he says and you nod while picking a slice of melon and chewing it leisurely as you bask on the hazy feeling of still being half asleep

Jaehyun stays by your side, head weirdly pressed to your chest, and asking silently for you to feed him apple slices every now and then with just his mouth opening.

Your mind wanders as you eat and then you’re having one of those moments where realization dawns on you finally. A silly small thing that makes you smile and your chest grow warm. “Jaehyun?” You call out softly, fighting back the bubble of happiness that forms on your chest because old habits are hard to die.

“Hmm?” He looks up at you, eyes blinking at you in the same way he always does, but this time it makes you want to cry a little bit.

You lean down, press a quick peck to his lips that make you both smile and then the words are out of your mouth.

“This is what love is.”

[night-fallz]

We’re Tired of Him

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ao3 // Wattpad

previous II next

We’re Tired of Him (part 4)

Damian and Dick were late and Tim was starting to get impatient. How long could it take to retrieve the stupid brat?

Distantly, he heard the elevator bell ring, signaling that someone was going up, and he couldn’t stop his eyes from widening with glee.

Finally.

A few more minutes and Damian’s secrets would be theirs for the taking.

The doors opened and everyone went to their stations, discreetly watching as Damian sat on the only empty seat left.

They specifically left that seat open so that Damian would be in the middle of the room. That way everyone can keep an eye on him and Damian would be able to feel the pressure of everyone’s eyes on him.

The kid’s face was blank but Tim could see the confusion laying in his eyes.

He couldn’t help the small smirk that formed on his face. Of course Damian would be confused. He’s probably never been in Titans Tower when there hasn’t been a mission.

Hell, Tim bets that no one has ever willingly hung out with him before.

The heavy air of silence was interrupted with Damian’s question, "Don't you guys have a movie to watch?"

"It was closed." Crush said, not wanting to answer Damian’s stupid questions.

Damian’s eyebrows furrowed, "How would it be closed? It's barely 10 o'clock."

Tim rolled his eyes, interrupting whatever Jason was saying with a cold, "Don't I get a welcome, Demon?" When Damian didn’t answer, he continued. “Plus, last time I checked, you didn't know what cinema they were going to, so how would you know what time it would close."

Tim knew he won when Damian rolled his eyes right back. "Tt, whatever."

He stared at Tim with a bored expression for a few seconds before turning to Dick. "Can I go now?" When their oldest brother didn’t reply, Damian hesitantly continued. "I just remembered that I had to do something."

This time, Tim couldn’t stop himself from scoffing. It was such an obvious lie.

All the assassin training that Damian always bragged about and that was what came out of his mouth?

He was honestly disappointed.

Plus, even if Damian said that confidently. No one in the room would even believe that Damian had plans.

The brat’s life consisted off of training, school, and being Robin. There was also no way that anyone would want to hang out with Damian.

His dad might be Bruce Wayne, but the kid’s attitude was enough to turn everyone away.

After Damian finally realized that he wasn’t going to get an answer, Tim watched as he got up from his chair, walking towards the exit.

He notices Dick signaling for someone to block the door and he didn’t bother to try and stop the smug feeling from spreading across his body as he watched the brat’s face shrivel with uncertainty the moment he realized that he wouldn’t be able to leave.

Damian turned around, his eyes glaring at everyone who would meet his gaze. "What do you guys want?"

Though, the intensity of the glare faded away when Damian’s voice cracked, filled with insecurity.

The night has only just started and the entitled prince’s facade was already breaking.

Jason leaned forward, a mug in his hand as he spoke. "I don't know what they want, but can you try this? Alfred gave me the recipe."

Everyone watched as Damian narrowed his eyes at the drink. From the corner of his eye, he noticed some of the girls blush as Damian ran his hands through his damp hair.

It was a sign of nervousness, he realized. Tim made sure to file that information in his head for later exploration.

Knowing when the demon brat got jitters would make amazing blackmail material.

His thought process were cut off with Damian’s arrogant voice. “And I should care about that because…?"

Tim grit his teeth. He hated how Damian acted like he was holding the cards in this conversation.

He wasn’t!

Tim and the others were. That was the only reason that Tim hasn’t blown up and ripped the brat to pieces.

Crush continued to provoke Damian. "Please don't tell me that you're scared."

Damian scoffed before pausing, not answering the question.

It was the wrong move.

The fact that Damian didn't answer only boosted everyone's confidence.

After all, it wasn’t everyday that Damian Wayne had nothing to say.

Jason walked up to Damian, the mug in his hand. Damian’s gaze never even left the object.

The brat warily looked around. He wasn’t even trying to hide his confusion anymore. It was just becoming too obvious.

"You know," Emiko said. A blind man would be able to see just how much she enjoyed taunting Damian. And Tim couldn’t find it in himself to blame her. "What would happen if your father heard the fact that you declined a drink that your brother obviously worked hard on just for you?"

She let out a gasp that was so fake that even Damian would be able to tell that it was supposed to be mocking him. "Oh! What would the League do?"

It was the perfect opening and Tim couldn’t help but step in, his eyes desperately wanting to see Damian twitch uncomfortably. "If dad found out, you would probably be banned from patrol…” Damian clenched his fists and he couldn’t help but add an “again."

Tim’s face grew into a smirk as he relished in the laughter. This was payback for everything Damian did. And trust him when he says that this was only the beginning.

It didn’t even take a minute before Damian snatched the white mug, ironically covered with bats from Jason’s hand.

Tim’s smile widened, he knew that Damian would take the drink. Just like the other Robins before him, Damian was desperate for Batman’s approval as well. The kid didn’t want to let his dad down.

And to make this whole situation even better, if Damian ever finds out about this whole scheme, Tim knows that he can probably spin the story so that everyone but Damian won’t get in trouble.

It’s not like it would be hard.

Damian was the one stupid enough to give into the taunts and didn’t check if the drink was drugged or not.

Bruce would be disappointed.

Damian drank the drink in a few seconds. The kid opened his mouth but before a word could escape, he crumpled down.

Sadly, Jason was there to catch him before his head hit the ground, carefully laying Damian down on the couch.

Wally groaned, “You should’ve let the brat fall.” he complained, “It wouldn’t have hurt him.”

Jason's eyes glowed green as he glared at the speedster. “Watch your tone, West. As bratty as he might be, this kid is still my brother.”

Wally gulped before nodding so fast that Tim thought his head would fall off. Jason might not be killing anyone anymore, but it doesn’t change the fact that he was still frightening.

Tim paused, replaying Jason’s words in his head, before frowning, jealousy spreading all over his body.

Damian already had Dick backing him up, he didn’t need Jason too. It was an unspoken rule that Tim thought the bats all knew.

Dick was Damian’s older brother, while Jason was Tim’s. That was how it worked.

And it's worked pretty well so far. Ever since Dick replaced him with Damian, he and Jason were got closer.

They had movie nights and Jason taught Tim how to cook!

He was so sure that Jason didn’t even care about Damian. He ran the calculations through his head.

If Jason and Dick started to like Damian more than Tim, then they would get rid of him again. Tim would be alone.

He bit his lip to stop his mouth from talking, focusing on the camera Wally was setting up. That way, they’d have materialistic proof of Damian’s vulnerability and humiliation.

It was blackmail material that Tim knows he’d treasure like a lifeline.

Now that he thought about it, maybe Tim could use this video to sabotage whatever brotherly relationship Jason and Damian had.

He’d tell Damian to ignore Jason and to act every brattier towards their brother.

Jason’s patience for the brat would run out and he would Tim’s older brother again.

And this time, he would only be Tim’s.

When Wally was finished his lips formed a small smirk. He watched as a sadistic glint entered the speedster’s eyes. “So, who wants to go first?”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

notes: 

I am so, so sorry that this chapter took forever to release. Balancing out school and volleyball was so much harder than I thought it would be.

I’m gonna spend the weekend to try and get my life together so that next everything will hopefully be easier on me.

This chapter was pretty short but it did give some insight into Tim’s thoughts about this whole situation.

If you couldn’t tell, they’re not very pretty.

Tim and Damian never made up in this universe. And trying to kill Tim multiple times makes it hard for Tim to try and forgive Damian.

I know that this chapter kinda sucked but I wanted to put something out before things get even busier. so hopefully you somewhat enjoyed it.

Like always, please leave a comment. i love reading them and they just motivate me so much! And they would help an extra ton these days.

And once again, if you have any fanfic requests, questions, or just suggestions for a specific fanfic I’m writing, just leave it in a comment down below or you can just message me here on tumblr.

[firelxdykatara]

You’re doing a LoK rewrite, correct? Would be really interested in hearing how you plan on fixing Suyin’s character and the Lin-Suyin conflict because……. oh boy. Man there’s a lot to unpack there. This is what happens when we don’t let Toph just raise her fucking kids for the sake of pushing a stupid as hell narrative about working women and single motherhood.

I am indeed!

In... you know, the way I'm doing most of my big potential projects, in that I have a folder with some documents that have plot notes and... some day I may actually get full, finished fics out of them (h2o AU is in there, as is my voltron!atla fusion AU, and uhhhh my book 3 atla rewrite, and a few other things), so... but I will say that the docs I have for my LoK rewrite so far amount to roughly 4.2k words of just Plot and Character Notes, which may some day turn into words of Story, hopefully.

ANYWAY, POINT IS: yes, this exists, and I have Many Many Thoughts.

Including how the Gaang kids would shake out! Cause I know I'm doing Zutara, and maybe Tokka???? Although I don't wanna just leave Suki out either... maybe a throuple??? Or Sukka having an amicable breakup before Sokka and Toph get together--maybe she already has Lin by then, and Sokka helps support her through the grief of losing Kanto???? Idk honestly, I haven't actually figured any of that out definitively yet except that Aang was perfectly happy to settle down with an Air Acolyte from one of the rebuilt temples because he grew up and out of his crush on Katara pretty easily once he hit puberty and matured a bit.

UHHH none of which is actually an answer to your question, because it's a valid one! Which is why I've been sitting on this a while (10 days I'm so sorry) bc I haven't made any solid decisions but I've been letting it percolate around my head a bit. And the more I think about it, the more I really like the Sukka -> Tokka idea (and I don't want to kill off Suki since the kids all deserve their awesome Kyoshi warrior auntie in their lives, and also I want a Sukka kid to be besties with Iara [zuko and katara's youngest] so maybe she gets with someone else after she and Sokka split? I could be talked into Ty Lee/Suki actually, the more I think about it....), but obviously having a stable father figure and a Toph who is... not what LoK made her out to be will dramatically change the Beifong family dynamic.

That said, I think I actually have a solution. (I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do.) Toph has Lin with Kanto--and he passes away when Lin is two or three, which is why she has very few memories of her father. (Although none of this 'she doesn't even know his name until she's 50+ cause Toph didn't tell her daughters about their fathers' bullshit.) Sokka is there for her through it all (all of the gaang is, of course, but you know that it sometimes just hits different when it's someone you're also starting to fall in love with, especially when there are older and much more deeply buried feelings there that are now resurfacing, because at least in my version Toph was deeply in love with Sokka when they were teenagers, but he was in love with Suki and she also loved Suki so she didn't want to mess up anything about their family or the group dynamics by making her feelings anyone else's problem), they fall in love, get married and have Suyin.

(Sokka may jokingly refer to it as a shotgun wedding, but the truth is he wanted to propose well before he found out she was pregnant, his attempts just kept getting messed up in increasingly comedic fashion.)

Throughout all of this, Republic City has been established, Sokka is Chancellor, Toph is something of a defacto police chief--mostly because, at the time, no one else was willing to volunteer, and she jokingly offered to whip the law enforcement, but unfortunately everyone else at the meeting took her seriously. However, she is also the founder of the probending league, and basically her feelings about law enforcement are complicated and she actively discouraged her kids from joining the force which is part of why Lin did. How else do you have a teen rebel phase with a parent like Toph? (Which, in this instance, means tough and firm but fair, with a 'you break it, it's up to you to fix it' attitude and very little desire to actually control her daughters and their behavior.)

Ah, but here's the rub.

Suyin is ten years old when Sokka dies, and Lin is sixteen. I'm not sure how he's killed--maybe by Yakone, to tie it into my plans for Amon and book 1. (Note that I'm not sure when the Yakone bloodbending trial happened in canon, but it doesn't matter. The timeline I'm gonna build will be completely different post-comet, and I'll eventually write it all down so that I can keep things straight.) Which would incidentally provide excellent means of having Katara have a very personal stake in the Amon conflict, and perhaps color the fight between him and Iara, but I'm getting off track. And I think Sokka being killed by Yakone, and Toph being unable to protect or save him, or deliver her own brand of justice to avenge him (because Aang is there to stop her and.... shit probably got ugly, I suspect she didn't talk to Aang for at least twenty years after Sokka's death--and this isn't to say I think Toph is particularly violent or murderous, but in that moment, she absolutely wanted to kill the man with her bare hands, and however much she may have regretted it afterwards, she took a very long time to forgive Aang for stopping her in the first place), is what results in Toph stepping down as police chief.

She didn't withdraw from her daughters or fuck off into the swamp or anything (words cannot express how much I hate that part of her canon history), but she did grieve for a very long time. Lin, meanwhile, felt like it was up to her to keep her family together, while also feeling a desperate need to... prove herself, I think. And because her mother was so adamant that she not join the police force, that's exactly what she does. I think Lin completely misread Toph's intentions, too, and believed that the discouragement was because her mother didn't think she had what it takes, when in reality I think Toph was scared of Lin losing herself in the job like she herself had begun to, and eventually coming up on something she couldn't change or fix and making the same mistakes she had.

(I think Toph and Lin have communication issues largely because they are both headstrong and willful, but where Toph thought she was giving her daughters the room they would need to make their own way, what Lin desperately craved was direction and she felt like that was something her mother simply couldn't understand.)

Suyin, on the other hand, fell in with a bad crowd like in canon. I think that what she desperately needed was attention, similar to Lin craving direction, and Toph was trying so hard not to be her own parents that she went a little too far in the other direction and Suyin began to feel like it didn't matter what she did, her mom wouldn't care, or get angry, or discipline her, or anything. Lin and Suyin butted heads a lot growing up, too, especially after Sokka's death, because Lin tried to rein in her sister's behavior and this was met with resistance and derision because Suyin felt like Lin was trying to be both mom and dad and she was neither but her big sister would never admit to being just as lost as she was and it made her furious.

So when Suyin is sixteen, and Lin is twenty-two and new to the force, The Big Rift happens. Lin catches Suyin and her gang, tries to apprehend her, gets a scar on her face in the ensuing conflict. But instead of abusing her power and sending her problem child off to her mother before fucking off to the swamp to avoid the consequences of her actions, Toph tries to actually fix things. Suyin cools her heels in prison for a while, because she was paralyzed by guilt at the time when she hurt her sister (a few inches lower and she could have slit her throat), and was still there when Lin's backup arrived.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh..... I'm so sorry I rambled for so long, BUT THE UPSHOT IS: I think Suyin learned a bit about culpability and taking responsibility for her own actions, Toph realized that her daughters had different needs than she did at their age (and I think a lot of the problem was that grief clouded her own ability to connect with her daughters, and in trying to not be her own parents she lost sight of how to be the parent her own daughters needed), and Lin, I think, had to realize that she had never fully processed the loss of not one but two fathers and had turned to her job in order to avoid actually confronting the grief that had overshadowed her childhood.

However, she did not forgive Suyin, at least not right away--and she wasn't forced or expected to. Suyin understood that she crossed a serious line, she took her lumps and did her time, and no one shamed Lin for her anger. I think, as a result, she had less reason to hold onto that bitterness, and perhaps by the time the story actually begins, she and Suyin are on much better terms, though I haven't worked it out exactly yet.

UHHH yeah I went on for days lmao. All of this is subject to change, too, depending on the needs of the story whenever I get around to actually writing it all down, BUT these are my initial thoughts, at least.

[jauneda1]

RWBY

The New War AU

"Author's note" This Au is a little different from the original RWBY adaptation, with slight character changes, and well War.

After Initiation and team selection

Jaune has already slipped away into the background in order to get away from everything going on in the ballroom. He soon finds himself writing in his notepad while silently thinking out new moves and ways to improve his swordsmanship. "I got nicked more times then I wanted during initiation. So much happened I tried to hide my true strength but that beowolf knocked my sword away I had no choice but to engage in hand to hand thank you dad for make the shield sharp around the edges and point. Atleast Yang is okay. I saw her get tossed by that deathstalker. Wait why am I worried about her she can handle it " Jaune let in a breath and then continued to walk around campus. Sooner or later he was going to have to face his team. He knew he wasn't ready for that also giving that he was the leader. " Man I can't believe I'm the leader of my own team, big sis owes me an apology. Saying I would never make team leader. Ricky would have made team leader."

Jaune had made his way back to the dorm room. Greeting his new team, he learned that outside of Pyrrha his other two teammates where pretty chill. Lie Ren being some sort of ninja or something close to it. Nora being bubbliey but lade back."Funny I was expecting the two of them to be completely different people but they act the same. Nora is like one of my little sister's." Pyrrha spoke up greeting Jaune and him to her even though they become partners in the forest they really didn't say much. Well Jaune didn't say much. When they crossed paths it was simple she saved him, he saved her round and round it goes. " Sorry if I came off distancing while in initiation. I was just focused on getting a high scoring." Pyrrha spoke to him and said oh no it's fine she had just hoped she hadn't rubbed him the wrong way.

After a few greetings a knock had came from the door. It was team RWBY who where they're neighbor's to Jaune's dismay. It wasn't really the fact of they're team but it's brawler. Yang Xiao long was one of Jaune's childhood bullies/crush she used to tell me to be a man back when we where in elementary. Then as we got older she would pick at my hight I used to pick at her boobs being huge and how they could be saggy if they get any bigger. But we've grown closer over the years. Her jokes and puns are funny too.

Group had a little get together party with Yang and Jaune sharing stories about the other from when they went to signal. Ruby would chime in to keep the two from fighting. Since there's a rivalry between the two. No one understood why till Jaune spoke. "It started on the first day at signal it was combat class and Yang underestimated me and got thrown out of the ring. This was before my father entrusted the family sword and shield to me so I would occasionally use boxing and simple judo, and jujitsu fighting style's." What Jaune didn't tell everyone was he has an intermediate almost advanced knowledge in Wing Chun fighting style. This is after he picked up the family sword he always made sure that if he were to every lose his sword in battle he would need a way to beat any and all enemy types. From Grimm to thugs and even other huntsman. Since so many have gone rogue his father thought it was necessary.

"Yang rushed me and it cost her a bump and a bruise when I grabbed her arm and used her momentum to throw her over my shoulder and into the ring out." Yang then spoke up and she had venomous spite in her voice. "Jaune now you know our combat class was always first to three. I beat you two times after that." Jaune spoke up now a bit agitated at the blonde beauty in front of him. " And yet I still beat you in the long run. Or did you forget that after all this this time?"

Ruby finally got in-between the two because they looked like they where gonna go at it again.

"Jeez you two are always like this, just hurry up and get back together already. You both know it's inevitable." Everyone in the room besides the three of them were shocked and surprised to say the least. Ruby finally explained while the two blondes turned they're heads away out of embarrassment. "It's been like this for about 3 years. During a house party they feuded with each other till Jaune had said something to her which made both of them leave the party together. The next thing people knew was that the Dragon and the White knight of Signal were dating."

Weiss spoke up. "Wait wait wait... You two are the Dragon and white knight of Signal academy? Do you two have any idea how well known you two are.?" Both Yang and Jaune looked at each other then back at Weiss not knowing what she was talking about. "Look at every pre-huntsman school they're are 5 students who are picked and given nicknames so that Huntsman Academies would know who to scout out in initiation. To get put in this top 5 you literally have to beat out everyone else in your school both academically and physically in training."

Blake have spoke up just to see if she understood what was being said. "So basically what your saying is that Yang and Jaune are in a league of their own?" Ruby then explained fully to Blake. "Well to be fair Me, Jaune, Yang, and Pyrrha. Are in the same level cap in a way of saying." Nora spoke up saying "oh so like a video game." With Ren saying "In a sense yes it is." Pyrrha took everything that everyone was saying and informed them that. "This is how Beacon has always done there team make ups. With two high grade fighters being budded up. The Initiation is held with an even amount of high grade students and low grade students. If by any chance r high grades come together they are split up. So for our team JNPR, Jaune and Myself are the high grades, and from what I gathered in skill wise from earlier Yang and Ruby are team RWBY'S high grades."

After everything was said the group noticed that Jaune and Yang weren't even there. Ren informed them that they left a while ago. Ruby said "Well this is normal they're always ditching lectures and class together, regardless if there together together or not."

On the roof our blondes were sitting with there leg's over the edge and leaning on each other, Yang spoke up. "Your not as talkative as much as you used to be."

Jaune responded with a low mutter which caused Yang to look more his way in hopes of getting a better response out of him. He finally succumbed to his feelings and brought up stone they were together. "Remember that time you told me it wasn't my fault."

Yang knew what was coming and was preparing to comfort her friend, the one and only man she loved.

"Ricky's death was my fault and always will be my fault and you getting hurt the way you did back then was." Jaune was cut off when Yang had pulled him into an embrace pulling him and herself away from the edge of the building. "Jaune..." Yang noticed the tears that are flowing down his face and she hated seeing him like this. It would hurt her more when she couldn't stop those tears. "Yang I know what your gonna say and ask. And yes the past year of me training and getting ready for this moment in my life. I've done nothing but think about how Ricky deserved to be here aswell that this was his dream school and all because I wanted to rush to get stronger H-h- ... He died saving me from my stupidity." Yang held him comforting him. Little did most people know was that Jaune may come off as a strong individual but he is very mentally weak with his life constantly pushing his mind to a break and collapse. Yang has always been there to keep that from happening. She has looked out and after him like he was a little brother and she started dating to do this more but also because she truly cares for him.

Jaune stopped his talking and embraced Yang back. "I'm sorry Yang I've just been lost in thought for so long that I've forgotten." "Jaune that's why I'm here to crack jokes and be by your side" Jaune thanked his fellow blonde with a kiss which was reciprocated. It wasn't long but it was enough to start a fire in the dragon as she pulled him down and got on top of him.

"So does this mean where together-together again or just a friend's with benefits thing."

"You tell me you kissed me first?"

The two began to embrace each other on the roof while secretly they where being watched by ember yellow eyes. "Huh they're bond is way deeper then Ruby told us."

That's a wrap part 2 should be out by tomorrow hopefully.

Hope you all have enjoyed