#but hes a hermit cannibal. yeah

[iknaenmal]

12

Shia LaBeouf live by Rob Cantor !! ohh this ones... certainly something! the song is really fun to listen to though!

[thetomorrowshow]

Whumptober 7 - only for emergencies

title: in which gem is the only one with normal eyes

fandom: hermitcraft smp

cw: blood and injuries, mild gore, mild cannibalism (idk if it really counts as cannibalism tho...)

~

“Oh, we’ll be out of here pretty quick!” Scar declared confidently. “Xisuma won’t rest until he finds us.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Pearl questioned. Gem elbowed her.

Scar just waved her off. “If he doesn’t, then I have a back-up plan. But only for emergencies, I’m sure it’ll never come to that!”

They were stuck in here, in this concrete room, a sink and a bucket in the corner. The door was heavy and locked; the only comfort they had were three ragged blankets, which they had each dragged to separate spots in the room, marking their claim for somewhere to rest.

Gem had never been kidnapped before. Not officially, by someone who wasn’t a Hermit. But there was a first time for everything!

“I’m sorry, guys,” Pearl said after a long moment, the little feelers on her head twitching. “I shouldn’t have gone out in public with y’all.”

“Don’t say that,” Gem reprimanded, smacking Pearl on the arm.

“It wouldn’t have been the same without you!” insisted Scar.

“I just . . . if I hadn’t, then maybe—”

“Then we wouldn’t have gotten to go on this fun field trip!”

Scar grinned. “I love fun field trips. Don’t you, Pearl?”

Pearl rolled her eyes, but at least she was smiling. “Whatever.”

“My mom packed me cookies for this field trip,” Scar stage-whispered to Gem. “But I’m willing to trade.”

“My mom just gave me money to buy food.”

“Oh, that’s way better! Now my sandwich looks boring.”

“What kind of sandwich?”

“Classic peanut butter. But I’ve also—”

“I didn’t think I was kidnapped with children,” Pearl said drily. “Do you two mind?”

Scar grimaced. “I think we made the bus driver mad.”

“We? That was all—”

“I wish the torture would start, already.”

-

They came for Pearl a couple of hours later, by Gem’s watch.

They’d been out on the Hub for a game of lazer tag, of all things. It was supposed to be Gem, Pearl, and Impulse, but Impulse had dropped out last second, and Scar had happened to have a coupon to the lazer tag place, so the three of them went instead.

There was another group in the arena with them, college-age kids, and they all managed to have a good time together. They had seemed like nice kids.

Gem would never stop berating herself for not paying much attention to the way one of them kept staring at Pearl’s antennae. People noticed her—it wasn’t normal at all for an alien to be found on a public world. They usually kept to themselves, as far as Gem knew.

She’d never met one other than Pearl, at any rate, nor had she known anyone who had. In fact, many people didn’t believe they even existed. The Hermitcraft server was split on the issue, with certain people like Ren and Keralis sure of their existence, and others like Cleo and Mumbo fairly dubious.

Pearl had shown up near the beginning of Season 8, and that had put a definitive end to that casual debate.

Gem had honestly forgotten how uncommon aliens were. When you lived with one like Pearl for as long as she had, it became normal. When Pearl had asked about lazer tag, she hadn’t hesitated to find a place where they could go play. She hadn’t even thought about Pearl’s less common features.

“We should’ve seen this coming,” Gem said now, fiddling with the band of her watch. She’d noticed the way that kid was looking at Pearl, but she hadn’t thought anything of it. How could she have ignored it?

Scar shrugged. “Yeah. I forgot that aliens aren’t a thing.”

“Me too.”

“Are you keeping track of how long she’s gone?”

Gem nodded. “Forty minutes, now. How long do you think until Doc and Xisuma find us?”

“Well, they took us to another world,” Scar said contemplatively. “Last time someone got kidnapped, it was . . . Grian, I think? And that only lasted a couple of days, Xisuma tracked him down fast.”

“Do people get kidnapped a lot on Hermitcraft?”

“Usually one per season, at least! Didn’t you notice when I got kidnapped last season?”

“You—what?”

Scar waved nonchalantly. “Yes, yes, I missed a Boatem company meeting for it! I was gone for . . . a week? Maybe less.”

Now that he mentioned it, she did vaguely remember hearing that Scar spent an extended period of time off-world. She didn’t know that he’d been kidnapped, though.

“So it took Xisuma a week to find you?” she said, skipping over Scar’s kidnapping for now.

“Oh, no. Xisuma didn’t find me, I broke out. I mostly stuck around so long because I needed a vacation.”

“So . . . he might not find us within the week?”

“He will! He usually figures it out, at least.”

Gem groaned in frustration, buried her face in her knees. “I hope Pearl doesn't mind waiting.”

She was really trying not to think about Pearl, about what they might have been doing to her. Pearl was strong, that was for sure, but Gem had never seen her in a situation like this. Were they experimenting on her? Observing her?

There was surely some black market out there for aliens. Would it come to that? Were they just showing Pearl to potential buyers?

Were they hurting her?

She couldn’t let herself think about it. Hopefully, Pearl would be returned to them. It was silly to think she wouldn’t be—they were presumably using Gem and Scar as leverage to get Pearl to do what they wanted. As long as the two of them were still here and fine, Pearl was likely also still here somewhere, and not auctioned off to some highest bidder.

That was what was important. Pearl was here, and they were here, and Xisuma was going to get them out of there.

-

If Gem hadn’t been told, she probably wouldn’t have guessed that Pearl was an alien.

There were plenty of hybrids on Hermitcraft—avian, blaze, dog—, so Gem would have willingly believed that Pearl was some kind of bug hybrid. It wasn’t too far-fetched. She had antennae, and spines on her arms, she could crawl up walls.

The only thing that gave her pause was her eyes.

Pearl’s eyes reflected a galaxy. They spun with stars and planets and darkness, and Gem once spent all day comparing an image of their galaxy to the one in Pearl’s eyes and had found nothing similar in them. She wondered sometimes if the galaxy changed, if there was any way to map what her eyes displayed.

She wondered what Pearl saw.

Her eyes were the most beautiful things Gem had ever seen, and now, as she gently brushed Pearl’s hair back from her forehead, she wished she would open those eyes.

“Why are they keeping us around?” Scar murmured, tucking his blanket around Pearl. They only had the one thin blanket each, but Scar just buttoned up his shirt to protect against the cold.

“I don’t know, but I’m not complaining.”

Pearl groaned, shifted just slightly in Gem’s arms. “It’s because of me,” she said, not opening her eyes.

“Hm?”

“I get energy. From people. They want me to be . . . healthy.”

“Oh,” Scar said. “You’re an extrovert?”

Pearl snorted, finally opened her eyes. Yep, those stars still spun. “I draw energy from people,” she clarified. “It’s how I stay alive, being near others. They keep you here so that I can eat your delicious energy.”

“Yum,” Gem said.

“Yum yum,” Pearl confirmed. Her antennae wiggled. “I absorb it through my antennae.”

Pearl already looked a little healthier than she had when they first threw her back in the cell, and sure enough, Gem was feeling a bit sleepy.

She hadn’t looked too roughed-up, thankfully. A couple of bandages on her inner elbows and hands, a woozy look on her face. Just some tests run, probably. She’d been gone for about six hours.

But this was only the first day. What would happen tomorrow?

“Maybe we should break ourselves out,” Gem suggested. “It can’t be that hard, right? How many guards were there, Pearl?”

Pearl shrugged, her eyes slipping closed again.

Scar tugged on his sleeves. “We should wait,” he said. “I mean, Xisuma’s going to find us any day!”

Gem bit her tongue. She didn’t like to sit around and wait. She liked to get to the action, do things herself, make a push when others weren’t expecting it.

But Scar felt like they should wait, and they weren’t hurting Pearl too badly. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to wait.

Gem clenched her fist and just pulled Pearl closer.

-

“You know the drill, up against the wall.”

Every day, three people entered the room.

Scar and Gem would scoot to the back of the cell, sitting on the floor with their hands above their heads, pressed to the wall. One man would stand close to them, a stun gun trained on them. The other two would haul Pearl up by her arms and leave, the third backing up behind them. The third man always locked the door.

Gem could easily take out three men. No problem.

Every day, three people entered the room. Four went out.

This was the seventh day, and she was getting really sick of waiting.

“I’m gonna go for it tomorrow,” she told Scar. Scar shook his head rapidly, hiding a yawn.

“No—no, we should wait,” he insisted. “It’s only been a week, Xisuma’s—”

“You said to wait a week,” Gem countered. “I waited a week. Nobody’s found us.”

“We don’t have any weapons!”

“All of the guards have swords and stun guns. I’m GeminiSlay, I can take one down with my bare hands, then take his weapon!”

“I—look, I have a plan if it gets bad,” Scar said, wringing his hands. “But it isn’t bad, yet, and we just have to wait a little longer.”

Gem sighed. Sure, it wasn’t too bad so far, but Pearl was still suffering.

She now had dark bruises trailing up the insides of her arms, the evidence of many blood draws or IVs. Clinical stitched-up lines marked her arms and bare feet, and Gem was sure that she’d been cut open and stitched back up in more places than that, but she held her clothes closed (her shirt had been sliced down the back for easy removal) and shook her head whenever Gem asked if she wanted help with wounds.

She didn’t really talk much, not anymore. She just rested against their shoulders and slept. Gem and Scar usually fell asleep quickly, her drain on their energy pulling them down as well.

Maybe it wasn’t as bad as it could be, but it was still bad. They had spent days here, leaning on one another, their energy dwindling more and more as Pearl required more from them. They only got fed once a day, and the sink in the corner of the room provided water but there was nothing to drink with, and cupping their hands barely got anything.

Plus, Gem had a base to be building. She didn’t have weeks to spend locked up in here.

“I’m going to attack,” Gem decided. Scar grimaced, buried his face into his knees. “Tomorrow, when they come to get Pearl. If you want to help, you can.”

Scar didn’t respond.

So Gem just settled in with her singular blanket and started planning.

-

It went perfectly.

Until it didn’t.

Gem launched herself at the first guard through the door, wresting his stun gun from his grip. She turned it on him, holding down the trigger until he was writhing on the ground. Then she hit the following guard in the face with the hilt of the gun—and she aimed for the third one—

But it wasn’t right.

There wasn’t just a third guard.

A fourth guard followed in, then a fifth.

Coming straight for her.

Before Gem knew what was happening, she was down, electricity burning through her spasming body. She gasped—her vision went red, flashing, the only sound that echoed through her ears was a distant screaming—

Then it ended, and Gem took in a ragged breath, the world returning under layers of static.

“No more standing, for this one,” a too-loud voice growled. Gem wrenched open her eyes, looked up—

A blurry guard was holding a club over her leg—

He swung, landed with a deafening crack, and Gem screamed and screamed and screamed.

She couldn’t breathe past the pain for far too long. Long enough that black spots floated in front of her eyes, long enough that her chest strained with the lack of oxygen. She gritted her teeth hard enough that one of them gave under the strain, but after several swelling moments, she managed to draw in a breath.

“Okay, can you hear me? Gem, Gem, how many fingers am I holding up?”

She blinked several times, but couldn’t quite keep her eyes open. It hurt so much, sickening pulses spreading out from her left leg, and then it hurt even worse and fire flashed through her brain—

“It’s me, it’s okay, I’m just—I think it’s broken, and we should probably set it but I don’t know how to do that—can you look at me, Gem?”

“Hurts,” she managed, tears squeezing out of her closed eyes.

“I know, I know . . . oh, Gem, oh, this is bad—this is so bad—”

Gem swallowed, then finally forced her eyes open.

Scar was there, leaning over her, hands fluttering as he tried to decide what to do first. Eventually, he just kneeled beside her head, pulling her into his lap. Gem couldn’t restrain a small noise in the back of her throat as even that movement shifted her leg a tiny bit, but she leaned into Scar, desperate for any comfort that might help ease the pain. He wiped her forehead with his sleeve, brushing back strands of hair.

“Oh, geez. I’m sorry, Gem. This is pretty bad, huh? I’ve got you, don’t worry.”

“I’m worrying,” she choked out. Scar chuckled nervously.

“Yeah. Yeah, me too.”

-

Gem slept most of that day, but by the evening, she was more-or-less conscious and able to think through the pain. Her leg was definitely broken, but they didn’t dare set it, not without a doctor present.

She and Scar didn’t talk. Scar sat in the back corner and picked at his nails, glancing around anxiously every once in a while. Gem rested on the ground, trying not to so much as twitch her leg.

When Pearl was thrown back in, though, they were silent for a different reason.

One of her antennae was missing.

It was cut off, messy stitches closing the wound, and Gem could do nothing but gape as Pearl lay in a slumped heap on the floor, her singular antenna barely twitching.

“Oh, Pearl,” Scar said at long last, breaking the silence and diving to Pearl’s side. “Oh, Pearl. I’m so sorry.”

Pearl’s shoulders trembled in a move so foreign that Gem had never seen it before, couldn’t reconcile it with her Pearl—

She was crying. Gem saw it, briefly, as Scar lifted her into his lap—Pearl’s eyes leaked sparkling tears, each one like a miniature star rolling down her cheek.

Then Pearl’s face was hidden in Scar’s chest, and Gem almost believed that she had imagined it. Pearl didn’t cry—all the time that they’ve been here, she’d smiled and laughed almost like it was any other day (albeit more tired and with a few more winces).

If Pearl was crying, that meant things were really bad.

“They—” Pearl choked out, voice muffled by Scar’s shirt.

“Sh, sh,” he hushed. “We’ve got you.”

“They—they’re mapping my eyes,” she cried. “They can’t—they’ll find—they’ll find my home!”

Gem had never asked Pearl where she came from, how she found herself on Hermitcraft, and she never shared that information voluntarily.

Maybe it was to protect her past.

Maybe it was to protect her family.

“Scar,” Gem whispered. When he looked up, she tried to convey to him that this was serious, far too serious to wait any longer. She nodded her head toward Pearl, then toward her own leg.

Scar’s face fell. He bit his lip, glanced between Pearl and Gem.

After a moment, he nodded to himself, coming to some sort of decision.

“I’ll get us out of here,” Scar murmured, gently stroking Pearl’s hair. “I’ve got it, don’t you worry about a thing.”

-

When the guards came in the next morning, Scar didn’t move from his spot against the left wall of the room, swathed in the darkest shadows that the cell had.

“Against the back wall,” the one with the stun gun commanded, aiming it at him.

Scar smiled, just visible in the darkness. It was a smile that would be considered friendly, jovial, if the person didn’t know Scar.

Gem knew Scar. She recognized that smile from a million miles away. It was the smile he wore when he was about to close a shady deal, when someone played right into his hands, when he was in games of death.

It was hungry.

“Move!”

“No, thank you,” said Scar cordially. “I think you’ll move, actually. Right back out of here, if you want to live.”

Gem blinked, surprised at his level threats. She hugged Pearl a bit tighter, her friend limp in her arms.

The guard snorted. “Yeah, right. You have until the count of three to get against that wall.”

Scar sighed. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he said regretfully.

“One.”

“Y’know, it’s always count of three. Why not count of five? Or six?”

“Two.”

“Just wondering! Gem, you might want to close your eyes.”

“Three.”

The guard strode toward Scar, gun out, finger on the trigger.

Gem did not close her eyes. Pearl didn’t look, face still buried in Gem’s shoulder, but Gem watched. She wasn’t afraid of a little bloodshed, and she had no clue what Scar was planning.

Did he really think that he could take the guards on his own, when Gem had failed so definitively just the day before? What did he have that she didn’t?

Suddenly, Scar’s eyes shone from the shadows.

And they shone blue.

Scar leapt at the guard, fangs—since when did he have fangs?—bared in a snarl, and Gem barely had time to blink before Scar’s teeth were ripping into the guard’s throat, tearing it out entirely with frankly impressive jaw strength.

The other two men shouted—one guard got out his own stun gun and hit Scar with a bolt of electricity, but Scar took it in stride without so much as a flinch. His skin rippled, fading blue to match his eyes, and as Gem watched, leathery blue wings burst from his back, shredding his shirt.

The guards barely had a chance to scream before Scar was on top of them, slashing through their flesh with his sharp teeth and black claws (sprouting from his fingertips, still growing longer and longer). He destroyed them in a matter of seconds, blood and viscera flying everywhere, spraying across Gem’s face. She choked, wiped off her eyes, then noticed, with a sense of growing horror, that Scar had stopped to—to eat one of the bodies, digging a hole into his chest and pulling out fistfuls of flesh with reckless abandon.

She opened her mouth to call to him, but no sound came out. Her lips trembled, her breath caught in her throat.

Was this creature still Scar? Blue and terrifying, wings flapping and long claws stuffed into a body, his pointed teeth dripping with blood. His hair was the same, his features still Scar’s (but for the eyes, piercing and ice-blue), the scars on his face unchanged.

Would he recognize her if she spoke to him? Or would he attack them, too?

How had Scar become this—this monster?

Another guard ran up to the cell, but instead of entering, they slammed the door shut, locking it.

That didn’t seem to do more than mildly annoy Scar and distract him from his meal. He growled animalistically, then scampered (and he moved oddly, launching himself from all-fours to flight in a couple of steps, his hands and feet pushing him along even as his wings carried him) to the door. Without warning, he stabbed his claws into the metal of the door and tore through it like it was nothing more than a leaf of paper.

Then he turned, his glowing eyes lighting on Gem and Pearl.

Gem couldn’t help it—she flinched away, pulling Pearl closer to herself. She didn’t know if Scar was a danger to her or not, but after what she just saw, she wasn’t prepared to be seen as a friend.

Oddly enough, Scar’s face twisted in regret. He offered a shrug—rather downplayed by the blood coating him. “Sorry,” he said, and his voice was entirely Scar’s (if with a bit of a lisp from the longer teeth). “I didn’t want—I didn’t want it to come to this.”

Gem wasn’t a squeamish person, but she still avoided looking down at the mutilated bodies. She couldn’t stand to think of literally eating a person—what had Scar become?

“I—I’ll explain later,” Scar said, as if he had heard her thoughts. “I’ll go find a communicator. And destroy their stuff.”

He dashed off down the hall.

Pearl moved against her, tipping her head back. “I’m tired,” she mumbled.

“I know,” Gem said, trying not to gag at the scent of blood that had begun to permeate the room. She swallowed, pushing down her fear. “We’re going home. Scar’s getting us home.”

That was all Pearl needed to hear. She fully slumped against Gem, dead asleep. Gem gently rubbed her back, buried her nose in her hair (carefully avoiding the stump of her antenna).

She hoped they got out of there quickly.

-

Pearl spent a lot more time resting than she ever had. Gem figured it was something similar to chronic fatigue, now that she was missing half of her main source of energy.

When she asked if it would grow back, Pearl had just shrugged.

“Only if I go back home.”

“Are you going to do that?”

“Probably not. It’s far away.”

Pearl still managed to create massive builds practically overnight, though, so Gem assumed it didn’t bother her too much.

Gem’s leg was still recovering, a month out from their week in captivity. It had been broken severely enough that she’d needed pins to hold the bones together, which put her at six weeks minimum in the cast. It limited her sparring and building abilities, but she did what she could on crutches to keep her skills from getting rusty.

She couldn’t spend all her time practicing, though, in order to let her body recover, so she ended up filling a lot of her time with meditation. Her impatience is what got her leg broken, after all, and she’d been beating herself up about it ever since.

Scar joined her, sometimes, at various points of interest across her base where she could look out over the valley and Pearl across the way. He would sit beside her in silence, oddly contemplative as he, too, stared at Pearl’s builds.

Gem understood, now, why Scar hadn’t wanted to act except in case of emergency. She wouldn’t want anyone to see her like that, either.

He had fully transformed back into something human (she wasn’t sure that he was human, though) by the time rescue arrived, and Cub had taken one look at the gore and taken Scar straight to his base on Hermitcraft, ignoring Xisuma’s insistence that he get checked over for injuries.

Now, as they sat on a hill, a couple of feet between them, Gem wondered what Cub knew.

Scar sighed beside her.

She wasn’t scared of him. She wondered if that was what he thought, that he kept sitting with her and sending her terribly guilty and forlorn looks because he expected to be faced with fear and disgust.

She wasn’t scared. It had been—well, it had been a shock, and she still hadn’t quite gotten the image of Scar eating a human body out of her head, but she wasn’t scared.

She just felt . . . awkward, bringing it up. Scar clearly hadn’t wanted them to see that part of him. He probably felt vulnerable, rejected. Why he kept hanging around her, she didn’t know, but she had to get rid of the barrier between them.

“How’s Scarland coming along?” she asked one day, kicking her good leg a little.

As simple as it sounded, that did it. That broke the ice, and Scar started rambling about something or other, and the next morning when she settled down to meditate, Scar was already there with blueprints in hand.

She stared at his fingers as he pointed out different aspects of his design, her mind’s eye momentarily seeing a blackened claw glistening with blood.

Well. If she ever needed help to murder someone, she knew who she was calling.

[frozenjokes]

PUSSY UP CUBFAN‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ cumbo cannibalism win💥💥💥

‘I’ve had an idea! Are you around?’

Cub got Mumbo’s message two days after the three of them brought Mumbo home. Given the length of time, neither he nor Grian was actually waiting in the moth ball anymore; everyone needed to eat and sleep among other obligations, so after day one, the two of them checked in for an hour or so at a time a few times a day. Apparently, Grian was not there now. Cub considered calling him, but from what he could tell from the tone of the message, Mumbo didn’t seem too fussed about being asleep for multiple days. Anxiety gripped Cub at the thought of responding- maybe he should call Grian- but Mumbo didn’t sound upset either, did he? The message was too vague to tell, but if Mumbo was in good spirits and wanted to tell him something, he should go, shouldn’t he? If he called Grian, would Mumbo be willing to say the same things?

Cub steeled himself, responding, ‘I’ll be there in a minute.’ He could call Grian afterwards. So he set off, checking his communicator religiously on the way, but Mumbo only acknowledged him with a smiley face.

Cub didn’t even get to ask if Mumbo was okay before he was grabbed, hauled through the floor of the moth ball and nearly lifted off his feet until Cub thrashed and was let go.

“Cub! I had a thought. I have an idea.”

“I-yeah?” Cub stumbled back a little bit, half because Mumbo had unsteadied him and half because he didn’t particularly want to be touched, but Mumbo wasn’t bothered at all, Cub didn’t even think he noticed.

“I don’t have to hurt anyone, Cub, I don’t have to hurt anyone. I just have to kill them, right? I don’t have to hurt anyone. It’s just easier because I can control it, it’s consistent, but not necessary.” Mumbo was so bright and excited that Cub didn’t want to point out the oxymoron, but he was also entertained, amused maybe, and he did not have to ask Mumbo to continue, “So I was thinking right, people get upset on their own. It happens all the time! A build isn’t working out, spilled water on a redstone project, getting hit with a particularly nasty prank or just being plain upset with each other! I could take that. Truthfully, I don’t know how helpful this would be or if it’d even be close to enough, but I want to try! I think this could work. If I got frequent enough meals like the one you just gave me, I might be able to sustain myself on just that!”

Cub was starting to understand what Grian meant when he was speaking about the happier Mumbo; truly, he was radiant. Still, the content of what Mumbo was saying left Cub gaping.

“This. So you’re- Okay. Two hermits are really upset at each other, right? Hypothetically. They’re really tearing into each other, they are not happy. You want to get between them, break it up, then eat them?”

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t ask. Deescalating would take away from the pain, you know? I would just drop in and kill the two of them instantly.” Mumbo blinked, backpedaling at the look of disbelief on Cub’s face, “I mean, everyone would know! They’d know I’m not human, what I need to do to eat- I wouldn’t start doing this out of nowhere! I’d just be taking advantage of pain while it’s available. Do you not think-”

“Mumbo.” Cub stopped him, and Mumbo looked up, eyes wide and dark and startled, “This is the funniest fucking thing you could chose to do. This is awesome.”

“It- It’s not funny!”

“It is extremely funny. Just imagine it, right? You’re working on a build. You hate it. Everything is going wrong. You are having the absolute worst day. Suddenly you are dead. Just dead. You wake up in bed, extremely confused, then you look outside and there’s Mumbo Jumbo, swallowing your dead body whole. You go huh. Maybe I should take a break. That is hilarious. This is great. Please do this.”

“I-” Mumbo was flustered, waving his hands like this would stop Cub from speaking words, “I was going to! I was going to, but now I don’t know if I should!”

“It’s good! I think it's a great idea! I think it’s even better if you don’t tell people. You should just start doing it. Never address it.”

“I- no! You’re horrible!”

“No, it will be awesome. It would be hilarious. I bet they wouldn’t even care, they’d be so confused. Hey Mumbo, whatcha doing? Why. Why are you doing that? Doc would Lose His Mind. In fairness I think that would be particularly terrifying for him. That’s a whole- I- creeper? Goat? Big. Lots of limbs. That can’t feel good, swallowing something that big. Does it hurt? It looks like it hurts.”

“It- I probably wouldn’t- no, it doesn’t hurt, it’s just efficient most of the time. I don’t know what it looks like either, but-“

“You don’t know? It’s horrific! I have to show you.”

“Please don’t.”

“I just can’t believe it doesn’t hurt. Grian said you eat cows-“ and then before the mortified Mumbo could interrupt, “He knows everything by the way. Everything everything. Partially because he’s a pest and partially because he was there when I told Scar after you-“ Cub remembered suddenly, then shrunk in on himself, “I- I’m really sorry about that- just the whole debacle.”

Mumbo removed his head from where he had buried them in his hands, confusion gently furrowing his brow, “You left that note, didn’t you.. I couldn’t think what you were referring to.”

“You- Seriously? The whole last bit of our conversation?”

“What did you say?” Mumbo cocked his head, so genuine, but Cub still could not shake the feeling he was being majorly fucked with, though luckily, Mumbo filled the short silence on his own, “I.. Well, I remember most of it, and I’m sorry I kinda threw all that on you I guess. I wasn’t well, and I think you know. And I know you didn’t want to be there because I.. you know. And you kept working yourself up, and you weren’t speaking super clearly and I wasn’t paying much attention because the- it’s not a smell, fear isn’t a smell, but I don’t know how else to describe it to you. It was distracting, is all.”

Ah. Hm. Yeah. Mumbo was too busy salivating over him to realize what was working Cub up in the first place. That. Okay. On the one hand, he wasn’t sure how much he loved the idea that most of his friends took great pleasure in his discomfort. On the other hand. Cub had been so appetizing that Mumbo couldn’t think straight enough to hear about how that exact thing made his brain short circuit. Mhm. Yeah. Cub had normal feelings about that.

“Was it not okay?” Mumbo cut through Cub’s thoughts, suddenly distressed, “I thought- You were just so adamant about being eaten, but I didn’t ask and I really should have, I just-“

“No, it’s fine, perfectly fine, you don’t have to ask. I was just thinking.”

“Oh!” Mumbo blinked, then nodded, like this made perfect sense, “You think slow, I forgot.”

Cub snorted, laughing despite himself, “If you say so.”

“Well.. What did you say, then? What did I miss?” Mumbo asked, and while Cub probably should have seen this coming, while he wanted a second chance, he wasn’t expecting this to go down right now like the first chance hadn’t happened. Cub got the sense that Mumbo was seeing straight through him as his face heated up, anxiety prickling under his skin and raising the hair across his arms.

“Well.” Cub breathed, “I may have over exerted myself the day in the labyrinth, so I spent most of the two days after sleeping and-“

“Wait- Days? How long was I asleep?”

Cub blinked. Guess there was no way for him to know, was there. Had he not checked the date? “A little over forty-eight hours. Has this not happened before? Is it not normal for you to sleep like that after a big meal?”

“I- Well sometimes. It’s not uncommon with humans, but otherwise it’s not a frequent occurrence. I always assumed it was just a few hours though, not that I kept track of the time or would have done so if I had the means. I had no idea. Boy, that’s a little disorienting..” Mumbo looked back up to Cub, refocusing, “Sorry- Didn’t mean to interrupt. What was it you were saying?”

“Oh, I forgot.” Saved.

“No, no,” Mumbo furrowed his brow, “Something about you being tired, right? Sleeping a lot? And- and something else?”

Cub pursed his lips. This was his moment. This was it. No backing out. Time to impress. Say something sexy. Something suave. Be cool. Pussy up Cubfan.

“Masturbating.” God damn it.

“Uh,” Mumbo was clearly taken aback, a hand drifting awkwardly to the back of his neck, looking side to side like he was trying not to say something rude. “That’s awesome, mate. I.. I do that too, sometimes.”

“You what!?”

“Ah!” Mumbo startled hard, fright which turned incredulous, “Is this suddenly not a safe space!?”

“You- You think about me?”

“What!? That’s- No! That’s not what we were talking about at all!” Mumbo covered his face, “What- What are we talking about!?”

“I was talking about you!”

“Me what-?”

“You with your hands in my stomach and wrist in your mouth wanting to kill the hell out of me while I jerk it, man, that’s what I’m talking about!” Cub thought he might literally explode, every part of him red and molten under the surface.

“..what?” Mumbo practically squeaked, and it was Cub’s turn to bury his head in his hands. He was half convinced Mumbo would kill him right here and take the meal, or maybe Cub just wanted that, because being dead would be about a thousand times better than standing here like a blithering maniac.

“You said. You don’t do anything but hurt people.” Cub said, though not without a shake to his words, “And I said that isn’t true. Because I. Happen to find those parts of you. Incredibly attractive. And I think. Selfishly. It would be very sad if you never wanted to regroup in the labyrinth. Because I really want to. And while I’m digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself I’m dying to know if the flesh eating part of you also has a sex drive. For science. You don’t have to answer that. But. Yeah. I do think about you. In that way.”

“Oh dear,” Mumbo said, which seemed appropriate. He was normally so pale, it struck Cub how nice he looked with a little flush, though, this was definitely more than a little, “You know, I think I kind of remember that. You saying that. Yes. I think. Yes. I understand now.”

“You can say no.”

“I’m not saying no.”

“Please just say no.”

“You want me to say no?”

“I just want this to end. I suffer so much at my own hand.”

“Well.” Mumbo stopped short, and the two of them were suspended in a thick silence that lasted at least three thousand hours, “I,” and Mumbo continued to pause excruciatingly awkwardly between nearly every word, “tend to not.. I don’t. I’m not the kind of guy that ends things quickly, am I?”

Cub gaped at him. “Did you do that on purpose.”

“Do what?”

“Draw it out. Talk like that. Slowly.”

“Oh, no. I’m just nervous. Unless that’s the smart, hot thing to do, then yes, pun intended or- or whatever.”

“If I think about it hard enough, anything can be sexy.”

“Please do that then,” Mumbo looked genuinely relieved, and something about that was so sickeningly sweet it made Cub’s heart pound in his throat. He was at a loss for words then, though he was thinking an awful lot about Mumbo’s tongue, and maybe he was being a little obvious with his staring, because Mumbo did him a massive favor and let him taste.

The kiss was gentle and sweet, an awful lot like Mumbo himself, or the way he preferred to present himself anyway. Cub had quite a few ideas of his own on how this could go, but he did not chase them, far more interested in what Mumbo wanted this to be. Mumbo’s lips were chapped, likely from two whole days of mouth breathing in bed, but Cub’s were as well, typically in bad shape one way or another; he had a habit of picking he just couldn’t quite shake. But Cub had long retired the notion that a kiss was some angelic, butterflies and rainbows exploding out of your ears experience. It was nice, it was comfortable, and in a world of fast paced high energy bordering on desperate making out, Cub found he had forgotten what a kiss like this could be, that it didn’t have to be anything at all. He liked it. He liked how Mumbo held his hand. He would like very much to do this again.

Mumbo pulled away first, and Cub found himself satisfied, lingering, but only to watch. Mumbo chuckled, looking away, maybe finding Cub too intense, which was fair.

“Was that okay?” Mumbo asked, a little meek, fiddling with his mustache as if he thought it might have gotten in the way.

“I thought it was great.” Cub squeezed Mumbo’s hand, pleased that he hadn’t let go. “Now, I’m not in any kind of rush, but I would like to know what your thoughts on sex are, just so I can set my expectations.”

“Ah,” Mumbo said it in the way that made Cub think he probably should have waited, but he hated that lingering uncertainty between intimate interactions, he just wanted to iron things out now. But Mumbo looked thoughtful, if not a little nervous, “I mean, I don’t know if I’m looking for any commitments right now, but if you’re thinking something more casual, I would be open to a thing like that.” Mumbo stopped himself, amending, “Well- I guess it depends actually. I don’t- I don’t know all of what you’re expecting of me-”

“Casual is good, casual is better,” Cub agreed, “I’m not overly concerned about recreating fantasies, I have a perfectly active imagination to use in my own time.”

“Well what’s the point then?”

Cub snorted, caught off guard, “What do you mean?”

“You’re interested in me physically because of what I am, right? You like that.”

Cub stopped, shifting his weight as he thought how to answer. He hadn’t meant to give Mumbo that impression at all, but yeah, Cub could see how that had happened. “Well sure, but that’s not the only reason. I’m gonna work on wearing you down enough to get back in the labyrinth with me, but that’s not really about sex either, these are just things I do for fun. I have to get you in with Scar as well, or both of us at the same time. We could see who survives the longest, sabotage each other or work together, it would be incredible. I just also happen to think being hunted is sexy. These two things coexist.”

Mumbo grimaced. “I think I might just struggle to understand how being slowly tortured to death is a fun activity for you- for both of you.”

Cub shrugged. “I dunno. Sounds fun. If it’s not fun and you don’t need it for your health then I won’t do it again. But it will be. I can’t wait to try and stop you. You’ve seen Scar, he’s a lunatic. I’m worse. We also already do basically that in the labyrinth like.. all the time. Faster paced for sure, but that’s because we have to be, we know each other too well.”

“Well- I’ll think about it. How’s that?”

“Yes!” Cub pumped his fist. “You’ve made a man very very happy today, Mumbo. Someday soon I will take you home and thank you personally, but not now, because if I don’t call Grian immediately I will not live to see the light of tomorrow. However, you’d better believe I’d love nothing more than to bend you over my finest strap, got it?”

“Grian-? Oh dear, I know he- oh,” Mumbo finished processing, flushing prettily, then covering his hand with his mouth, a gesture that sparked a moment of violent cuteness aggression in Cub that he promptly forced down. “Oh dear.”

“Is that okay with you?” Cub couldn’t help a small chuckle, but the question was genuine.

“I- Yes. Perfectly.”

Incredibly pleased, Cub moved to open his communicator, finding Grian’s contact. He lingered for a moment, mildly disappointed, but called regardless, figuring he’d rather not be caught making out with Mumbo by a furious Grian who had just happened to check in at the wrong time. Cub hardly got two words out before Grian confirmed he was on his way, hanging up promptly. Cub sat down on a chest, sighing contentedly.

“To uh, answer your question..” Mumbo started, and Cub didn’t entirely remember what he was talking about, but was enraptured regardless, “I share most basic tenets of every species whose shape I take. Obviously, there are exceptions and spectrums in every place, though I usually fall somewhere in the middle everywhere. All this to say, I mean.. Yes. I have a sex drive. If I had my way, I would always be hunting, but there are moments of downtime where I share the same kinds of desires of whatever I am. Mice, birds, wolves, people. If I am a social animal, I want to be around others of my kind. If I am a dove, I’d like to find a mate, raise a family. These are passing desires, they fall below the need to eat, but they are still there, so. If things work out for me here on Hermitcraft.. If hunger isn’t so much of an obstacle, which I can’t promise it won’t be.. Well. Make of that what you will.”

Cub stared. He stared for a very long time. “I am making.”

Mumbo laughed, mostly out of concern, but Cub saw amusement there as well. He could live with that. He could very much live with that.

***

Cub’s shoes skidded on the honeycomb floor as he took a sharp turn, and he nearly wrenched his arm out of the socket as he grabbed Scar by the jacket, hauling him in the right direction. The hallway was long, the worst kind of way for it to be when it came to Mumbo; he got confused on too many turns, and if the two of them were smart, they could loop him around and continue without getting caught.

“He’s close-” Scar panted, “Nearly saw me around that last corner,” and indeed, Mumbo was very close, his footsteps louder than the sound of Cub’s and Scar’s combined.

“If we’re fast we can confuse him in the next part of the maze,” Cub tried, but Scar only scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“We are not that fast.

Indeed, just moments before Cub’s lab coat whipped around the next corner, Mumbo screeched, the surefire sign that the two of them had been spotted. No coming back from that. One of them was going down. Cub was in front right now, but Scar was faster, strong enough to shove ahead of him, though when he was alone, tended to lose time by paying less attention and making wrong turns. When Cub and Scar were together like this, Scar usually managed to squeak out alive, and it was no accident that they ended up together most days.

“One day,” Cub breathed, “He’s going to catch me. And it’s going to be in the sexy way.”

Scar snorted despite himself, “Uh huh, yeah, maybe today’s your lucky day?” Cub felt Scar’s breath on his neck, ready to push past Cub in the narrow hall, so Cub reeled around, shoving hard and catching Scar off balance. But Scar had too much momentum, tumbling forward instead of back, managing to catch Cub’s leg in both arms before Cub could slip away. Cub fell nearly flat on his face, unhelped by Scar yanking him backward and using the momentum to help himself to his feet. Dazed, Cub just barely caught Scar’s pant leg as he dashed past, but lost his grip when Mumbo’s weight slammed over him, crushing him flat to the ground. God damn it.

Cub felt Mumbo’s claws in his back, lifting him by the neck of his clothes before Cub could even struggle and whipping him into the opposite wall. His back cracked squarely against the deepslate, and beyond his daze Cub was immediately certain something was Wrong, though he couldn’t exactly place what that was as he crumpled to the floor. He couldn’t sit up. That was something. He couldn’t run either, which was mildly alarming, since he very much would have liked to. Luckily, Mumbo was the gentlemanly sort, lifting Cub into a sitting position when he couldn’t do it himself.

If Cub didn’t know him any better, he’d think Mumbo was angry with him. But no, Mumbo was definitely more irritated. Darn fragile human (-esc) body! So easy to break! Cub had to agree, he would much rather be running right now. He really got an edge up on Scar when they got to the parkour sections, though they rarely got that far. But even at the first one with the trapdoors, if Scar fell enough times, Cub could lose him in the key mazes, then he’d really get ahead.

Cub attempted to commiserate with Mumbo so he knew they were both on the same page here, but instead of actual words, mostly blood dribbled from his lips. Hm. Yeah, he might be dying. Mumbo was not the only person here who was disappointed, that was for sure.

And then Mumbo jerked forward, snatching something affixed at Cub’s belt and tearing it back, oh! He remembered! That was great, he didn’t remember the last two times this was a relevant issue. Mumbo was not gentle with the splash healing, shattering it into Cub’s stomach, which, with the glass, kinda ruined the point, but Cub suspected that was extremely on purpose. Cub heaved a shaky sigh, feeling the life bloom back into his limbs. Still trembling, Cub took the second and last splash healing potion off his belt, smashing it against the ground beside him. He needed it. Mumbo watched him carefully, those beady eyes narrowed in a scrutinous attention.

“What?” Cub mumbled, a hint of a laugh sneaking through despite the great ache that still wracked his back and limbs. Yeesh. If he hit that wall a little harder he might’ve just outright died. “Want some kinda reward?”

Mumbo snorted, animal-like, but he released Cub, getting back to his feet and turning away.

“No, no, wait. One second, I’ve got something for you.” Mumbo stopped, eying him suspiciously. Cub dug at his belt for his third and final potion, speed, one he���d been saving for the second part of the maze, though given he hadn’t made it out of the first section unscathed, he didn’t think he’d be making very good use of it. He threw it weakly, nearly missing, but Mumbo understood when the effect took place.

“Go get that bastard.”

Mumbo might have smiled. Either way, he didn’t have to be told twice. Cub got slowly back to his feet, taking a few deep breaths before he too plunged back into the labyrinth.

[straycalamities]

where did entre, rocky, swag, ect, originate? like, was there an AU they were originally for? what were the ideas?

they were all just once-lers made for the purpose of posting on askblogs. from the wording it sounds like you’re new to hearing about the root onceler fandom so hello and welcome to old tumblr lore

so yes truffula flu/camp entre comes from the onceler fandom but came after it was already established (just a couple of months later) and i’ve been here since day one

there were two kinds of askblogs being made back then: those as close to canon as possible, and those that played with things a bit (or a lot. it was a spectrum)

entre was originally a close-to-canon-as-possible onceler as was bitter (but from the time period where he hermitted himself post-business failure), and i think beanpole was too? just a 16 year old version so before he even left on his thneed adventure. however swag, rocky, and one were more AU-ish with rocky’s concept being: what if the onceler made a career of his guitar-playing instead. to one-ler’s “what if the onceler was a cannibal” swags concept was literally just “what if the onceler made a blog to yell at people” and then they got silly with it

then there was 72 who was the onceler from the cartoon short that was released in 1972!

onceler askblogs later and especially these days get way more transformative with the concepts and it’s really cool, but yeah! that’s all there was to them! and we just gathered them all up in the same camp and went wild

it also included a ted and an audrey based off the movie as well. and dave strider from homestuck. yes he was just there and it was epic

[hmshermitcraft]

U want crackships??? I'll give u crackships!!

Mumbo Jumbo and V1 ULTRAKILL

Literally only because of the Mumbo vampire hc and the fact that they'd both "drink" blood.

Mumbo is kinda weird about drinking blood, it's basically cannibalism, even though he isn't human and it's a vegetarian diet he feels bad when the hermits show up for the monthly blood drive so Mumbo has plenty of caprisun blood bags.

V1 has no such qualms. V1 rolls around in gore like a fucked up little dog, V1 will do anything for a lil sippy of blood, V1 is absolutely flabbergasted when Mumbo is hesitant to eat in front of others.

Where V1 comes from the only one who had an issue with how it ate was Gabriel, and even he got over it eventually since V1 was not about to listen to an angel of all things. Plus there's more important things to worry about, like surviving in hell.

Trying to introduce V1 to the rest of the hermits is a nightmare because V1 is a homicidal maniac who's always hungry, but Mumbo manages it. V1 actually takes a liking to Xisuma because of his past as the doomguy so they manage to bond over their shared experience of battling into/through/out of hell and then killing God. Mumbo is thankful for this because at least V1 is learning that not everything that moves is a snack bar waiting to be eaten.

V1 brings Gabriel along one day because it's good to introduce your boyfriends to each other and Grian catches a glimpse of another previously brainwashed, now wanted criminal angel guy and is like "hell yeah let's be friends" and Gabriel is like "what the fuck is this weird bird???"

V1 being completely unable to speak and also literally a robot makes communication about feelings a bit difficult for Mumbo "emotionally constipated" Jumbo but they make it work with insane games of 20 questions and charades, which diffuses any arguments because it's so silly to watch this murder machine responsible for the extinction of the human race (????) try and communicate "why the fuck did u take my phone charger, i needed that" by gesturing wildly and beeping.

Mumbo lets V1 run wild under Scar's various mountain projects turned mob spawners whenever it gets a little antsy/overwhelmed with the amount of people it can't kill. After it's done mumbo has to pressure wash it so it isn't tracking gore literally everywhere because it has no issue with being covered in guts.

Mumbo is a massive, tall, wide, strong man, and V1 is just a little guy made for speed more than strength because u don't need to be terribly strong to shoot a gun. So basically whenever he wants, he can just pick V1 up and take it anywhere he wants. V1 doesn't mind because Gabriel does it too. What mumbo couldn't have foreseen is lifting V1 up, only to then be lifted up himself by Gabriel, creating a tiered uppies train. This has become a sort of tradition, sometimes V1 will even lift Grian before then being picked up, making a four layer uppies stack.

"hi I'm grain, this is my boyfriend Mumbo, and this is Mumbo's "boy"friend V1, and this is V1's boy"friend" Gabriel."

I don't know what this is, I've just been playing ULTRAKILL and, in my infinite defense, u did ask for this.

-carrie

Sometimes people will ask Mumbo how they got together, in that cute way that happens with couples. Mumbo has no idea. One day he was dating Grian, the next he was also dating an enthusiastic robot with a thirst for blood.

Once V1 gets the hang of 'no killing or maiming' there's at least plenty of hermits willing to duel with it. V1 always looks a little too happy about winning. None of the hermits even care at this point, they've all seen it carried under Mumbo's arm like a misbehaving dog. Ruins the intimidation factor a little.

[the-mcyt-crackships-brackets]

[clears throat] anyone order clownscar fic propaganda? no? too bad. clownscar fic propaganda.

"so. i've been thinking."

"never a good sign," loony says without looking up from the redstone he's working on -- he doesn't need to look up to know it's clownpierce again, because not only does he recognize the man's voice but he also only ever ends up with one man invading his hardcore world. "what trouble are you getting yourself into this time?"

"i've been thinkin' about branzy," clown starts, and loony lets out a long-suffering sigh. "dude," he says, "you just need to call him, not-"

"-and i've decided i need to get him to call me by making him jealous. it's been too long since i've put myself out there, you know? i should be showing that i'm not only available but also a catch, so he realizes how much he misses me."

"you're a menace," loony says in a complete deadpan. "and also insane -- are you hearing yourself talk right now? call him."

"so what i'm thinking is," clown says, breezing right past loony's very good advice, "the ideal rebound has gotta be some guy from one of those toxic codependency deathgame duos, right? everyone loves them, they always have great thematic significance or whatever the hell, and they'll be good enough at pvp to hold their own but bad enough that i could take them in a fight, easy. that? that's some trophy boyfriend material right there."

"i'm not hooking you up with legs, dude."

"who?" clown looks genuinely confused for a second, and then shakes his head and moves on. "no, man, i already have a date lined up. he seems like a great guy. he's a builder, he even likes running scams, he's famous for the deathgame thing."

loony sighs again, though it's more at his malfunctioning redstone than out of actually caring what clown is saying. "what poor man are you dragging into your nonsense rebound scheme this time?"

"his name is goodtimeswithscar," clownpierce says proudly. "he's a terraformer."

...loony blinks. "come again?"

"you heard me. i have a date lined up with scar, like from that whole desert duet thing everyone was going wild about a couple years ago?"

it actually takes loony several seconds to realize the reason his chest hurts is because he's laughing so hard he can't breathe. "you? you're going on a date with scar? you are boned, clown! there is not a snowball's chance in the nether that is ever going to work out!"

clown crosses his arms. "listen, you don't have to get salty with me just because i pulled a hermit."

"oh, yeah, i'm salty, sure." loony tries and fails to wipe the tears from his eyes. "dude, i'm just saying, i'm pretty sure only one of you eats people, and in my experience that's usually a dealbreaker?"

"being a killer clown doesn't make me a cannibal, loony," clown huffs.

thunder rumbles in the distance, and loony perks up his head at the sound of rain. "oh, wow, would you look at that, it's storming! guess i'd better go collect some more mob heads before it passes." he sweeps the rest of his redstone supplies into a shulker hastily, swapping into his elytra and grabbing a few rockets. "good luck on your date or whatever!"

"loony, i do not eat people-" clown starts.

"-yeah definitely what i was talking about good luck on your date bye!" loony yells from the skies, having already taken off for his guardian farm.

.......................

two weeks later, clownpierce is back in the redstone lab, looking very huffy and somewhat like a wild animal has gotten to his clothes.

loony grins at him. "how'd it go?"

clown crosses his arms. "you forgot to warn me about the convex on purpose."

loony snorts. "i did say only one of you eats people. it's not my fault you're self-centered enough to think i was talking about you."

"yeah, yeah, you worded that misleadingly on purpose and we both know it. and you call me a menace."

"i do, because you keep breaking into my hardcore world with insane rebound ideas instead of just calling branzy. speaking of which, now are you going to give up on your weird schemes and just text him?"

clown grins, arms still crossed. "nah. we're going on a second date tonight."

"you are a lost cause, dude."

yeah. anyway vote clownscar.

CLOWNSCAR FIC PROPAGANDA!!!!!

[preyandhunter]

Flesh and Blood [The Masterlist]

Hey hi howdy.

here's a list of absolutely everyone ever that is going to be taking part in this story

[warning. looooong post ahead]

For reference:

Ghouls are ranked C - SS: C is the lowest, SS is borderline godlike.

Doves (not canon to tg) are ranked Tier's 1 - 4: 1 is the lowest, 4 is virtually unstoppable.

Disclaimer: we will not be using the hermits'/others' irl names. decided if it was funnier to make fake names for all of them based on usernames.

(in the actual story we will be using the names in quotation marks lol)

Buford "Bdubs" O'Hunred [Dove] :: Tier 2 - Machete Quinque - Wears a ghillie suit and thinks it looks cool

Bos "Beef" Vintage [Ghoul :: B Class - "The Butcher" Kokaku: Horns + Six legged Bull Kakuja - Dude wash your apron

Ben "Bigb" Biggie [Ghoul] :: B Class - "The Frog" Triple orange rinkaku tails - Teenage Mutant Ninja . . . froggie grown man!

Cub Goodfan [Ghoul] :: C Class - "The Magician" Ukaku vex wings - Of the two of them, really you'd think this one would be the crazy one

Cleo Zombie [Ghoul] :: A Class - "The Gorgon" Tiny wings + six snake tails - Her name could have led to some good brand opportunities

Dr. Maddox Sevensven "Doc" [Ghoul] :: A Class - "The Goat" Bone kokaku + Goatskull kakuja - The career change really made things complicated

Ethos "Etho" Lab [Dove] :: Tier 3 - Sniper quinque with high caliber Q bullets. - y'know what they call me? call me ladders. cuz i go up real high...

Fals "False" Symmetria [Dove] :: Tier 2 - Sword quinque, morphs into winged broadsword. - Oh her and Wels go waaaay back!

Fhwip "Fwip" Taylor [Dove] :: Tier 3 - Sickle quinque - Y'know what they say about younger siblings growing up to replace you? Yeah. That.

Gemini "Gem" Taylor [Dove] :: Tier 3 - Whipsword quinque. - Youngins these days kick butt way harder than they used to

Grian Spurman [Human] :: S Class* - Red wings quinque backpack - Some would say that's cannibalism O-o

Haech "Hbomb" Bomber [Dove] :: Tier 2 - Yknow back in my day

Hels Gnitte [Dove] :: Tier 2 - Spiderman pointing meme

Hypnos "Hypno" Tizzede [Human] :: n/a - Going once, going twice, sold to the man with no front teeth!

I Jevin Aquamarine Gaimen "Jevin" [Ghoul] :: A Class - Two bright blue bikaku tails - They say surfing is a sport in California. Don't know where the couches came from.

Impulse Essve [Human] :: n/a - Occupational hazard or not, he's getting his goddamn coffee

Iskall Eigh Fivva [Dove] :: Tier 1 - Non Newtonian bikaku blade quinque - (floppy)HAMMERTIME

Joel Beans Smallish [Human] :: n/a - Cast iron pans work wonders

Joseph "Joe" Hills [Human] :: n/a - Journalism just got way more dangerous

Kera Liss "Keralis" [Human*] :: n/a - Hmm, how'd you get there?

Lizzie D Shadowlady [Ghoul] :: C class - "Housecat" 3 toed talons kokaku - No officer, there's no one here, just this very cat like cat...

Martyn LilWood [Dove] :: Tier 2 - Standard sword quinque. Possibly with a rocket on the end. - Not quite taking the lone wolf schtick to heart

Mumbo K. Jumbo [Ghoul] :: B Class - "The Suit" Double kokaku claws - Mondays amiright

Pearl Escentmoon [Human] :: n/a - Worst. Field trip. Ever.

Pix Elrif [Ghoul] :: C class - "Automaton" Single tail bikaku - The cat distribution system but he is the cat

Ren Thedog [Ghoul] :: S class - "The Red Wolf" Single tail Rinkaku + wolf head kakuja - oh hey how you doing nice to meet- SQUIRREL???

Saus "Sausage" J Mythica [Human] :: n/a - The world's best chewy stress toy

Scar Goodfan [Ghoul] :: SS class -"The Vex" Ukaku vex wings + 2 bikaku tails + Perfect Kakuja - no chill having, no leg having, no craps given, no fear having ass

Scott Dangtha Longie Major [Dove] :: Tier 1 - Spear quinque - Doing his best ;w;

Skizz LeMann [Ghoul] :: C class - "Lucifer" 4 feathered rinkaku tails - One beer away from getting in the maid outfit

Tress "Stress" Monstre [Dove] :: Tier 2 - Warhammer quinque - Holds all of the tea. And yeah, that's a lot.

Tango Tekk [Ghoul] :: C class - "Helios" Single wing, combustible, ukaku - Is absolutely not compensating for anything

Tin Foilchef "TFC" [Dove] :: Tier 4 - Double edged scythe, polymorph, quinque - Judge, Justice and Executioner

Timothy "Jimmy" Solidarity [Ghoul] :: C class - "Canary" Deformed wing Ukaku - The vibe is strong with this one. That vibe was wet cat.

Wels K. Nite [Ghoul] :: B Class - "The Knight" Reptilian wing Ukaku - huh, well that's awkward

Xb Crafheld [Ghoul] :: A Class - "Guardian" Fused double tail bikaku - If he had a nickel every time he was friends with a suspicious man, he would have two nickels.

Xisuma "X" Vhoide [Dove] :: Tier 3 - Multiple quinques - Has one and a half eyeballs

Amusix "eX" Vhoide* [Dove] :: Tier 2 - Crossbow quinque - There's a crime here about to be committed...

Zed Aphlays [Ghoul] :: C class - "The Ram" Bikaku Sheep's foot - One good day away from committing arson

Zloy Exphee [Human] :: n/a - These journalists seriously need to chill.

[griancraft]

vex scar is so fun people should make more from him. he's just some guy usually but then you find him all red in the face in the middle of an argument making more cannibal jokes than is normal and woah was he always grey like that?!?!?

I think it’s very funny to imagine he forgets to tell people because. That’s just how he is. Like yeah the hermits know but he goes to MCC Halloween for Blue Bats and people keep complimenting his costume and he’s like??????

[thathermitweirdo]

So uh, I know a lot of people have HelsHermits that they’ve made, and I’ve come to share my own. But they aren’t exactly Hels Hermits, so forgive me of my sins.

To sum it up, basically Scar and Cub used their Vex magic in season six to essentially curse the Architects in order to slow Sahara’s business. This wasn’t their idea, Vex hierarchy or whatever, blah blah. So basically the ConVex duo use their magic to let demons infect Mumbo, Grian, and Iskall like normal rival companies do.

Oh yeah. And they’re cannibals. So they aren’t exactly the friendly type of ‘Hels’.

Mumbo’s body is possessed by a demon the ConVex Duo named Crow. He’s a rather elegant man who was happy with Mumbo’s fashion choice, though he can be somewhat sarcastic and childish. His name is Crow due to the fact that he has large wings on his back that look like a crow’s wings (wow so creative). He’s essentially the ring leader of the other two. Since I can’t draw the basic description is this: He has eyes like a cat, sharp pupils with a shade of yellow that could glow in the dark. Other than that and the wings, his hands are bird-like talons that can easily pierce flesh.

Next comes Iskall’s demon, a man by the name of Fern. Once again a creative name that I 100% blame on Cub and Scar in universe rather than me even though I made the characters and named them. Oh well. Fern has a form of control over plantlife. When possessing Iskall, vines of all sorts manage to break out of their skin and wrap around them. Fern can use these as extensions of his body, they are very thorny as well, so they make for great weapons. He also doesn’t crave flesh like the other two demons, instead, he prefers simply drinking blood.

Finally comes Grian. He is taken over by a demon who cannot speak, who was given the name ‘Mute’. Canonically, Mute and Crow are together (because I’m a horrible sucker for Grumbo even if they’re just demons possessing Grian and Mumbo’s body) and their ship name is Cute. Mute basically has acid leaking out of their eyes, which are completely black and inky. Their cheeks tend to be covered in the black tears, which can be used to melt through most solid objects. Mute also has the ability to smell any nearby players, so they make for a great hunter! Even though he can’t speak, Crow takes the time to listen to Mute and appreciate them. And yes, Mute is non-binary!

So yeah, haha. That’s them. If I could draw I would but uh, I’m not good at that. I do have a oneshot of them on Wattpad, maybe I’ll post it here if y’all like these three.

[stiffyck]

id like to say that i 'm by no means like a huge scar fan but my siblings started watching him so i have no choice but to- oh yeah i was gonna say,, where do you think he got all those scars from?? he has to eat sometimes,, and if someone doesnt necessarily want to be eaten,, well, uh. hes not jacked for nothing lets just say.

OH MY GOD ASU AIUFAF

YOU ARE SO CORRECT ACTUALLY-

imagining the hermits asking him where he got the scars and hes just trying to avoid it like "oh you know!"

BUT THEY DONT ACTUALLY KNOW HE'S A CANNIBAL AND ALL THOSE SCARS ARE FROM HIS VICTIMS-

[theminecraftbee]

😂, 🗑, and ⏱ for the ask game!

😂 What’s the funniest comment someone has left on a fic of yours?

okay this one is actually a bookmark. it's on black box. it says: "Techno is suffering in prison and it reminds me too much of myself in lockdown..." i have literally NEVER STOPPED THINKING ABOUT THIS since i saw it. what do you MEAN black box techno reminds you of yourself in lockdown. are you okay. do you need help. what do you mean. so, given that i haven't forgotten this... that's probably the funniest one yeah.

🗑 What is one fic idea that you loved at first but then scrapped?

i go through iterations of SO MANY fic ideas that don't get written. one of them is one where, post third life, grian was able to continue to see ghosts. this included the ghosts from third life, who were haunting him, but also temporarily ghosts of the hermits whenever they died on hermitcraft. it was going to be a long-ish healing fic, the end of the arc was going to be grian proposing the gigabase as a symbol of the fact he'd finally gotten into an emotional place he wasn't ignoring people in anymore? but i just... could never get it started, writing it, and then last life happened, and there were a lot of concepts from that fic i couldn't get to work quite properly. so i ended up scrapping it - though i've cannibalized the concepts into other fics and ficlets, as i often do when i scrap something.

⏱ What’s the fic you spent the most time on? (Was it worth it lol)

mumbo apocalypse fic currently, lol, normally i lose patience over months but given that it's almost done and i started it ~september, definitely that one. if you want actually published/completed fics, though, and aren't going to count san luis (which i'm not going to because it's NOT DONE), black box took a full month, so probably that one? as for 'is it worth it'... probably. i got into the fandom through that fic, met some really good friends, and i'm still proud of the writing in it, even if there are things i no longer like or would change in places. so yeah, i'd say it was worth the effort! (as for if mumbo apocalypse fic will be worth it... i guess we'll see???)

[luminous-shifting-vibes]

actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

out of context of course, what do you take me for? a sane person?

"they made lightning mcqueen hot"

"inch resting"

"Nix: Cars (2006) several people are typing..."

"im evaporating"

"enjoy precipitation"

"tow mater is more attractive than lightning mcqueen/hj"

"lightning mcqueen looks like he would call me a slur"

"why did I come back to a discussion regarding the attractiveness of vehicles"

"lark is the braincell of shiftblr tbh"

"you all need some grass in your life"

"me over here simping for block men and now literal cars"

"didn't nick wilde commit fraud canonically"

"i have no strong opinions on whether or not nick wilde is attractive"

"I AM AROMANTIC AND I AM NOT IMMUNE TO NICK WILDE"

"I am bisexual and I. Am not into Nick Wilde based on a simple fact he looks like he will drink all my pepsi and call me names"

"What is shiftbkr but not a bunch of simps"

"cries in Bianca Monroe"

"listen i have a folder called gayass

it is mostly pictures of kyoka jiro and virgil sanders"

"Nick Wilde x Reader where he steals your car 📷 carjacker to lovers AU 📷"

"he says "mama i like to step on keyboard""

"MY MOM JUST WALKED IN AND I HAD TO TELL HER I WAS LOOKING AT LIGHTING MC QUEEN HUMAN FANART"

"crab walks away"

""Y/N..." Nick whispered into your ear. "Your car...is a Honda Civic, right?" You looked up at Nick with a baffled expression. "Nick, my beloved? Whatever are you talking about?" "Just asking..." He said as he let you out of his embrace. "Hey, wanna see a magic trick, babe?" Your eyes sparkled. "Really, Nick? Of course!" Nick smiled. "Ok, close your eyes!" You giggled and closed your eyes, waiting for Nick to tell you to open up. Instead, you heard the loud rumble of a car starting up, and you open your eyes. Nick has stolen your car, and he has driven off into the sunset..."

"did y'all know his name used to be canonically Montgomery--he changed it to lightning mcqueen to get rid of his past"

"That is my exit number"

"cars trauma arc"

"wait do y'all know about car jesus" "as if jesus wasn't a ford focus in the bible"

"oh yall do not want to know about the trauma in my cars dr lmao"

"Dewit tau style babey make Lightning McQueen outlive everyone and stalk their reincarnations"

"Do they baptize other cars in like gasoline then"

"there is a pope car in the cars universe which means car jesus died for cars sins"

"NOT THE BOOMER MEMES"

"-lays facedown on the floor while caramelldansen plays-"

"like im serious how many of you guys endorse me falling face down on my floor" (NOT THE SAME PERSON AS PREVIOUS QUOTE)

"I will be Tall and no one can stop me"

"is a soft floor?"

"stop I thought faceplant meant like a succulent in the shape of a face instead of falling onto your noggin for a solid 10 seconds"

"Touch some grass??? What about eating grass"

"what if for every employee of the month i just printed out really horrible boomer memes"

"what ab smoking grass /j"

"Can the grassdirt smoothie be a special in the cafe"

"PLEASE IM ROLLING ON THE FLOOR REWRITINH THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WHIKE SPEEDRUNINT MINECRAFT"

"you have to get good dirt from like the middle of a pennsylvanian forest for it to taste good though"

"I ate a four leaf clover as a kid cause i thought it would make me lucky"

"guys how do i see the mee6 leaderboard"

"I used to think i was half dragon and I ate plants out of sidewalk cracks"

"i think i punched someone"

"my parents told me to stop doing that so I looked at them and ate a flower"

"I ate grass when I was 9 bc I read warrior cats and thought I was a medicine cat ....................."

"bees are just spicy flies"

"I had a mental breakdown when I was three cause I didn’t know how to turn off a phone"

"My mom drank a bee once"

"when I was a baby I kinned ink sans."

"bro who here find the yellow hat man from curious george fine as heck 📷📷📷"

"mY LUNGSSSSSS"

"no one topping Him"

"I like em big"

"I think Moto Moto has no game like move over hunky boy I could beat you 1v1 Roblox Arsenal 📷📷📷"

"If you didnt have a crush on springtrap, jeff the killer, or Underfell/Gaster/Error sans don't talk to me /j"

"LOOK THEY'RE BOTH DILFS WITH ABS THAT WOULD FIGHT GOD"

"ZORO IS BANNED"

"Guys please help I found my old fnaf fanart from when I was 8 I'm in literal tears"

"OH NO BOT MY FIFTH GRADE HAMILTON PHASE"

"The worst attraction ive ever had has to be Sombra Overwatch"

"My family is like "save all ur art so I can sell it when you're famous" I literally could not sell this if I tried"

"screaming puppet"

"I just remembered Ive drawn overwatch/hamilton crossover fanart"

"my hermit crabs ate each other again"

"we're cannibals ????"

"having me here is a curse you have inflicted on yourselves and I for one am glad for it <3" "scitters around like a crab in anticipation"

"CARB DAY"

"WE NEED TO HAVE A WATCH OARTY"

"hey y'all ill be right back i have to throw away a crab carcass"

"if I watch cars I'm going to start laughing in the middle of it nonstop just because the word cars is funny and also cars are funny like how do you move silly little metal box with rubber circles"

"Lark asleep post catboy pitbul"

"Mwista Wowldwide! Nya!" "hermit crab 2: electric boogaloo"

"Is that why your name is chaos"

"manifest the crab power!!"

"cool dex fact: i can't read 📷"

"sighs adds to worship these entities list"

"with a knife <3"

"yeah and if he betrays me I could probably throw him across the atlantic ocean"

"give me his eyes"

"my good citizen i am a- wait no im nonbinary nvm"

"it worked on a fish idk what to tell you"

"what is gender??? Is that a board game?? If so can I be apples to apples that one's my favorite"

"CHUTES AND LADDERS"

"anyways actually my gender is Candyland"

"Oh god romes the destroyer of friendships/j"

"i am a simple gay i see math i run in the opposite direction survival instincts 101"

"math my beloathed"

"algebra makes me want to rip open a bag of swedish fish and swallow them whole"

"cackles in they're au characters and this will be very fun"

"pog !!!! me too ksajgks one of my drs is a sanders sides au"

"Is that bipper"

"tumblr sexyman"

"Good because he’ll fuck u up if u hurt a child"

"I want a wing-suit"

"looks like a bean would poison someone"

"my hermit crabs are cannibals what can i say"

"sonic the hedgehog kinnie"

"get yourself a man who is capable of the most ungodly actions but won't do them because of their morality owo"

"tell him he can steal my wallet"

"eyes"

"idk about y'all but I need blueberry sweet tea to live"

"y'know the red souls from soul eater i really want to eat those"

"but like only respectable crimes like stealing from elon musk"

"You can go cultbashing with he!"

"He acts like a flamboyant gay man, but if a flamboyant gay man was straight."

"Simp Satan 📷"

"definitely arson"

"They look like they enjoy lemon squares and other lemon desserts"

"Satan is all-powerful but he spends most of his time building honeymoon locations because he is convinced that the protag loves him"

"bc shes the reincarnation of his dead wife or something i guess"

annd here's a quote from our very own dream (@shiftingwastaken) that sums this post up:

"shiftblr but context makes it worse"

[motherfucker-is-gender-neutral]

Wow people liked my last Hannibal post, so here's something I've thought about- Hannibal as tarot

here's the Major Arcana:

The Fool: Will Graham. To me, the Fool is the main character--a blank slate free of bad decisions or actions they may make in the future, which fits Will as the main character

The Magician: Hannibal Lecter. The Magician represents your full potential, but flipped can also mean manipulation. "This is all I ever wanted for you, Will" anyone?

The High Priestess: Bedelia Du Muarier. The High Priestess represents intuition, but also reconnect and secrets, which I find fits Bedelia's vibe

The Empress: Alana Bloom. The Empress is basically the girlboss, and Alana is nothing if not that

The Emperor: Jack Crawford. The Emperor can mean a position of power, but flipped means abuse of that power. Jack abused his power to keep Will in the field, even when it was clear he was distressed

The Heirophant: the BSHCI. Right side up, this card can mean institution, and upside down it means confinement/the need to break free, which would fit both Will and Hannibal during their stays there

The Lovers: the Murder Husbands, obviously. The Lovers represents, well, love, but can also mean misalignment, which I think is fitting for the way Hannibal manipulated Will

The Chariot: The FBI. The Chariot represents victory and an inner drive, but upside down means roaming and being off-course. When Hannibal was working with them, he kept steering them off his track

The Hermit: season 2 Will Graham. The Hermit means reflection and truth, but also confinement and loneliness, which I think sums up his stay at the BSHCI pretty well

Wheel of Fortune: Will's gun. This card means a change of fate, and when flipped, resisting change and unfortunate events. Shooting Garret Jacob Hobbs was what started the whole change of Will's mentality, after all

Justice: Will's trial. The card is pretty self explanatory--fairness right side up, unfairness upside down. And well, it was a trial

The Hanged Man: Hannibal in that episode where Will sent someone to kill him. Yeah, I forget what episode, but we all know what happened. The Hanged Man represents a sacrifice and suspension, but also delay. Also, Hannibal was literally hanged

Death: Hannibal's food. The Death card actually symbolizes rebirth and change, and Will had a bit of a rebirth when he willingly ate Hannibal's cooking, knowing it was cannibalism

Temperence: also Bedelia Du Maurier. Temperence represents balance and unbalance, and Bedelia was kind of the balance between Hannibal and Will

The Devil: the swiggity swag nightmare stag. The Devil represents addiction and fear, and awareness when flipped. Will started seeing the stag when he became more invested in his work.

The Tower: Randall Tier. This card means destruction and abrupt changes, and Will definitely changed when he killed, mutilated, and ate Randall

The Star: this one was hard, but I decided this card fits Hannibal's office. The Star represents healing and inspiration, which fits the concept of therapy

The Moon: the Wendigo. The Moon means subconscious, and the Wendigo was how Will unconsciously saw Hannibal

The Sun: Winston. This card means positive vibes and warmth, and honestly no character but Will's dogs give off positive vibes

Judgement: Frederick Chiltin. Judgement represents evaluation and reflection, but also doubts and self judgement, which all fit Chiltin's job and fears at the BSCHI

The World: the fall. The World means completion and unity, and being one of the final scenes of the show, it fits the completion part. I also believe that Will and Hannibal achieved perfect unity in that episode

[drivelings]

270.

"There's a hermit living out in these woods."

"Sure, that ain't unusual."

"Yeah, well. This hermit is..." The man makes a complicated face. "Well, anyway, there's a hermit living out here. Best not to head in there."

Hermits, vagabonds, squatters, whatever you call them, McCree knows not to mess with their peace. Sometimes their fuses are sort and some are just afraid of people. He's certain this is very much the same and files that information away into the very back of his mind.

--

The hermit in these woods hates people and society as a whole. A coward who ran away from the complexities of living in a community for a life of solitude where only one opinion matters and only one opinion is right and where there is only one authority.

The townspeople’s words ring in his mind. It’s not as though he has a choice, however. He’s lost in this place with crappy to no signal, and if he doesn’t find shelter in a few hours, he’ll be sleeping in the cold. 

He just needed a bit of luck and tenacity to bring him to where he needed to go. And when he finds it, it’s not like what he expected.

It's not like the area's been turned into farmland. There's no sprawling garden or ridiculously large clearing. Instead, the path he takes seem to open and lead him to a clearing just enough to fit the modestly sized cabin that looks too much like the cabin of a certain struggle superstar and actual cannibal.

--

"Mushrooms. Herbs for meat over there."

Now that you've pointed it out, the forest doesn't look as barren as he first saw it. There really are mushrooms growing in small patches here and there. If he looks closer and really focuses, he can see even more of them hiding in plain sight. He still can't tell the difference between regular bushes and the herbs you're talking about, but from the speed and ease in which you pick a few sprigs for your basket, he thinks he might be starting to understand.

This forest is full of food for you and him and maybe many more if it was maintained properly. There is no need for traditional gardens or his idea of horticulture. As you both walk deeper into the woods on unseen paths, he remembers his grandmother who had woven him stories about a vast land full of treasures that most people cannot see even though it was right in front of them, and how only her people knew the way.

He wonders if this is similar to what she was talking about.

--

"No salt?"

The corners of your mouth turn downward and he's struck with a sense of guilt.

----

just thinking about that tumblr post where native americans didn’t create farms but nurtured the forest to produce what they needed, and a pocket article that i can’t find again about a woman using an old handdrawn map by her grandmother for foraging in tribal spaces and how most people would never find the ingredients even if they were looking for them anyway. (https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-indigenous-woman-behind-south-america-s-biggest-male-chefs?utm_source=pocket-newtab I FOUND IT.)

[a-mentally-ill-nerd]

Amusing this my family has said, taken out of context:

“Enslave the moisture”

“Real live raptors?”

“Dad, please don’t sue me! I’m a stripper!”

“Trust me, I’m medicated”

“I want nothing more than to remove his head from his buttocks and shove a grenadine up there instead”

“If I bought 76 heads of lettuce, would you help me hide them?”

“So basically, “Mickey Mouse club house” is a distopian world and Phineas and Ferb caused the end of the world”

“Sure, just picked up and the dude asked them “would you line a like or a needle?””

“I’d run to Cris Pratt.”

“We need to get this velociraptor! He’s my cousin!”

“Aaaagh! Civilization!”

“I need his middle name!” “Why?” “It’ll be easier to find the skeletons in his closet.”

“She won’t admit it, but she’s a cannibal! I’ve seen the bodies in the closet!!!”

“Oh my gosh, I’M the bean body in the closet!”

“Hey, Satan”

“My eye bags are larger than my will to live”

“I am going to be an old hermit! But I’m going to have snakes and dogs, and they’ll live in harmony!!”

“If I wrote a paper explaining to you why you’re wrong,,,, would you read it?”

“If I don’t have abs by the end of the semester, I will cry.”

“Ah, yes. Past the tall man with the unimpressive genitalia.”

“That’s because I stick my toes in your ear while you sleep.”

“The squirrels need me!”

“Oh gosh, the people here are so friendly, what did we do to ourselves??”

“I don’t have an umbilical cord at my disposal, so just pretend.”

“Stop biting my butt!”

“She bit my foot through my boot!!! AND I HAVE A SCAR FROM IT!!!”

“I’m entree intolerant, so polite pass.”

“I wish to save the pluckings from my eyebrows and eventually glue a mustache.”

“It’s a bathroom, what else am I supposed to do; cook up some soup???”

“If all else fails, we’ve got my dirty underwear.”

“The individuals who show up at night haven’t been super malevolent.”

“I’m already tortured enough, why must you do this to me??”

“If we’re all possessed, it’s your job to exorcise us!” “I’m trying!” “Them why are we still here???”

“I’ve had worse dreams involving yo-yos!”

“I wish I had a nice nemesis. All of my nemesies are wenches.”

“Oooo, we have marshmallow jelly!!!”

“Yeah, just go to ‘umbilical cord’s R us’”

“I watched several families...”

“She’s lying, she said she’d call the police if I killed someone!”

“Stop eating the vomit!”

“I never thought I’d compliment the way someone cleaned up poop.”

“78 year old Taylor swift was just staring at the mallet people.”

“I shake my spinach at you!”

“Dinosaur chicken nuggets MEAN something to me, you don’t anymore”

“Two things that I am highly invested in: murder and makeup.”

“I’m an excellent panda, frick you!”

“For someone who has a lot of skin,,,,,, crafts,,, the nipple belt isn’t too impressive.”

“I may have bloodlust, but I’m not sadistic!”

“Come on, don’t be weak! Suffer!”

“That there is one fancy chest cavity.”

“I ordered some new things to kill.”

“You make me laugh just by being you.”

“No, we are churros!”

“Always pick the volcano.”

“Wild boars. They have the power.”

“That’s the Piglet salute, you traitor!”

“You are quite bug like.”

“The flavor. The only one.”

I will add more as I remember them and as they happen.

[macgyvertape]

Just finished play the outer worlds, playing as a liar, as a thief, as a manipulative asshole, very cynical about politics and anyone with power (including herself), as someone who “could turn this system upside down through charisma alone”, and as someone who considers intimidation and violence a valid answer when persuade and lie fail. 

I think it’s the most fun I’ve had roleplaying a character in a video game, and there wasn’t a single ending card that made me wish I had dome something  different. I like this character enough to wish i could write fanfic about them

Other fun facts about my character:

She’s a sniper, the only fight she like is if they can see the enemy in her scope before the enemy can see them. She got the Dead-Eye Assault Rifle right when they got to Groundbreaker by sneaking around and stealing. Then used that rifle as their main gun for 90% of the game.

One flaw: she’s real bad with cliffs and estimating if something is just a bit too far down.

Didn’t ever introduce herself to someone who wasn’t Parvati until after she got the ship impound lifted on Groundbreaker. Just deflected and dodged since there were too many risks in taking up a dead man’s ID.

Doesn’t care about using corpses for fertilizer, it’s better than eating rats. As long as you aren’t eating actual people, doesn’t see what the big deal is.

She fucking hates cannibals. She respects the captain and navigator of the Hope immensely for what they did to protect the crew.

Adelaide called her “some kind of twisted” for how she manipulated things to get Adelaide in charge of Edgewater. Considered that a compliment.

Talked her way past the crazies in the Groundbreaker Back Bays to peacefully retrieve the parts. Once she got the bounty notice she talked Gunnar MacRedd into handing over his lighter because she could. Then went to the back of the bay, set up a sniper nest and cleared the area out.

Parvati is her favorite, and after the multi-planet quest for a date night, shes already putting aside credits to give Parvati whatever wedding she wants.

Doesn’t always take Parvati along because it’s easier to lie to and intimidate people when Parvati isn’t there.

Parvati is one of the few people she would never manipulate, and if Parvati got hurt whoever did it would never see her coming.

Doesn’t disclose that she’s the shadow leader of Halcyon until Parvati figures it out. Was worried it would make things awkward.

Didn’t trust Felix at first when he asked join the crew, because the way he kept using compliments reminds them how she talk to marks.

By the time Harlow comes around she considers Felix part of her crew and tells Harlow to fuck off for trying to use him. Not upset that it ended in a shootout, considered him the worst kind of hypocrite.

Doesn't fully trust ADA but won’t ever tell her. Doesn’t trust robots much because you can’t persuade them like people, and with a high hack skill she knows how easy it is to control them. She never traveled with SAM

She always travels with Ellie if she can. For all she manipulates those in power, she likes Ellie and wants to build trust and genuine friendship there.

Once Ellie has her own crew she’ll see in Ellie is interested in something more.

Ellie is the first companion to know about the whole “Shadow leader of Halcyon” thing, and in her case it’s because she more or less asked about future goals

Thinks Ellie’s jokes and aside comment are hilarious. 

Let Max murder Chaney. Who is she to tell someone murder is wrong when it’s to settle a score. Knew she could have persuaded the hermit to let Max do the drug ritual. Didn’t because she thinks religion is a whole is a lie and a way to control people, and wanted Max to confront that.

Abandoned-religion!Max and Ellie are her two favorite traveling companions overall. You got to have partners to survive, and she feels like they would be willing to call her out if she started to go to far.

She really likes listening to the two of them argue. Will join in with Ellie in calling Max things that annoy him like “Vicky” or “Preacher Man”

Won’t go anywhere on Monarch without Nyoka because she hates every single fucked up wildlife animal. Respects Nyoka a whole lot, for how much she helped the people of Monarch.

Wishes she could help Nyoka with her alcoholism, but understands its a way to cope with survivors guilt and trauma.

Definitely supports the Charon group politically and financially. She wants Nyoka to have that stable life, but there is always room on the Unreliable for her.

Definitely hates all the fucked up science experiments as food in the colony. Would probably stab someone (who deserved it) for real food.

Glad she’s friends with the information broker on monarch. By the time the gunship crashes, she does’t find him that annoying.

Really liked Cassandra O’Malley from Rosewater, definitely tracks her down after the game to offer her work. 

Had a hand in Lilya Hagen having an “accident”. Partly because she was sparking unrest in a time of crisis, partly because Lilya wouldn’t work with her, and she wanted a useful relationship with a functional pmc.

Cynical af towards people in power. Guessed that Graham had something to hide based on the comments, and wasn’t surprised to find out what he had done. Didn’t trust anything about early retirement when she first heard about it, and took pleasure shooting up the place. Didn’t have any regrets in telling the rich asshole to go check it out.

Really hates Byzantium as a whole, but being in movies is sure useful for getting people to like you.

She honestly wasn’t sure if she was going to sell out Phineas or not for a long while or not. But after hearing what Akade wanted to do to Edgewater, she figured the board was more likely to just outright kill most of the population than try to freeze and unthaw them.

Lied to Akade that she would do the job because even though she thought Akade was crazy for thinking the plan would work, Akade was the most competent and rational Board member she had met.

She was upset the board was willing to sacrifice a colony to save a town of rich assholes, but also upset that from a social and science perspective the board’s plan wouldn’t even work.

Started thinking something was wrong with Earth back while going through HRS-1084 and reading about how there had been no news back from missing ships. She had been wondering why a gunship fell out of the sky from lack of maintenance.

Think’s there is always a third option. Wound up being revered with most factions, and friendly with the Board and Auntie Cleo. She’s made a lot of powerful friends in the system, friends she helped put into power.

Getting through the Tartarus was a cakewalk thanks to the groups that stormed it. At that moment realized yeah she could actually pull of her “shadow leader of Halcyon” plan.

Calls Sophia Akade by her first name. Enjoyed putting the little detail about “Sophie” into the lie to turn her against the chairman.

Despite telling her to “drop the honorable adversary act, and fuck off already” she does like Sophia. She just things honorable adversaries are fucking dumb.

She definitely tracks Sophia down later, how could she not, Sophia is misguided yes, but actually gets shit done.