#but he didn't add anything. he just wanted us to get more space so we'd be safer. and UGH it wasn't even necessary it wasn't super stuffed

[schnaf]

22 days until ode's 22nd birthday

day 22 aka THE COUNTDOWN IS OVER - ode's past birthday brrrr ppoppos

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

One show ends this week, but there are several more on the way, including a surprising adaptation. Of the six shows airing now, five are streaming weekly on Gaga and the other is available via fansub.

Takara's Treasure

I. LOVE. THEM. Their little bird watching date was precious and I loved every moment of it, including Taishin's adorable outfit and over preparedness, Takara's secret smiles, and the patient search for the wallet. I was so relieved that Taishin named his fears about them not being suited upfront instead of letting it grow into a huge anxiety in his own head, and I was also happy Takara was eager to speak with him about his impending relocation. That said, NOOOOOOOO I don't want a forced separation and time skip, show. Please I am begging.

Cosmetic Playlover

This was my favorite week for this show by far, because they actually let us see the relationship at its center! I enjoyed finally spending some time with these two as a couple, though I still find the timing and sequencing of these plots confusing as hell. Last week Sahashi gave Mamiya keys to his place and it was implied they'd been dating for quite awhile and were already serious, but this week we learn Mamiya has never spent the night and they are only just having sex for the first time. It was a real record scratch for me; I can't get my bearings in this relationship trajectory with all the gaps in the story. But hey, at least they finally let them make out a little! For a show that sold itself as toxic sexy, there has been very little toxicity or sex, tbh.

I Hear the Sunspot

*rubs temples* This show is really testing my patience. I got excited last week when Kohei and Taichi finally had a real conversation and it seemed like we were moving forward, but this week we're back to treading water. This story did not need 12 episodes; this pacing, while faithful to the manga as I understand it, does not work well for weekly live action. It's been weeks since we've learned anything new about these characters or advanced the central relationship, and the show continues to stumble with its confused depiction of Maya. I just want this show to pull together and finish strong, because I think a lot of this will be much more tolerable on a binge watch. For now I will just gaze at Kohei's beautiful smiling face and hope for a full recovery.

Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko

I said last week that the show had gotten so muddled I didn't think they'd be able to end well, and even with those very low expectations this finale still managed to get underneath them. The last several episodes made a mess of the characters, the conflict, and the themes of the show, and to add insult to injury, they capped it all off with angle kisses, a time skip, and a bizarre sex negative ending that had our "boob monster" adult lesbian refusing to have sex with her girlfriend for over a year so she could "cherish" her before randomly kissing her at the office as if that was the important resolution we'd been waiting for. A truly horrid ending that ruined everything this show did so well in its early episodes. I don't understand!! Big sigh and fingers crossed for a decent sexy gl sometime in the near future.

Mr. Mitsuya's Planned Feeding

I've just been beaming and staring into space for the last several minutes after finishing this episode. No matter what else happens in the shows, I love knowing I am always going to end my week in jql on a good note while this gem is airing. This week marked a transition point for Ishida and Mitsuya, as Ishida had a great conversation with Noguchi, found a new passion and put in for a job transfer, and had his final meeting and meal with Mitsuya as writer and editor. Which they immediately followed with a date and mutual acknowledgment of the feelings between them! And what a fantastic date it was, with every moment so invigorating and wonderfully adult. Mitsuya's quiet confidence and amusement at Ishida's nerves, Ishida's clarity on how he wants Mitsuya to see him, the mutual compliments and gestures and smiles and eye contact, ahhhhhhhhh. I also loved that Ishida got to be the one to show Mitsuya something new at the end, to get him to run with joy for the first time in ages and introduce him to a new food. I am so excited to see their dating era begin in earnest. You can find the episode with subtitles courtesy of @isaksbestpillow here.

Tagging @bengiyo to add this week's anime update.

[rwrbmovie]

RE: intimacy & the intimate scenes

Quotes from interviews on #RWRBMovie about the intimate scenes and the intimacy between Alex and Henry

This post will be updated as content is released

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Last updated: August 9

From Glamour

Red, White & Royal Blue, the book, is—I'm not sure how to put this any other way—famously horny. For the movie adaptation, intimacy coordinator Robbie Taylor Hunt was enlisted to ensure that physical intimacy between Henry and Alex was told in the best and safest way possible. “He was incredible,” Zakhar Perez says of working with Taylor Hunt. “In London there are these brand of mints called Smints, and we called him the Smint Lord because we would always come up to him and ask for a mint or Listerine strip. I didn't want my breath to be offensive to Nick as soon as we get on set and have to be intimate with each other…” He continues, "A great thing about having rehearsals is that we'd have an hour a day set aside to be with Robbie. It was just like a dance. I grew up in theatre, and Nick's done musicals. We're both very musical people. So Robbie found it easiest to talk to us in musical terms—there's a musicality to intimacy. There'd be lots of counting. Like, ‘1, 2, 3, 4, grab. 2, 3, 4, squeeze.’ That's what was going through my mind as we did it, to get it in your body. Once your body remembers it, you can let it go. The muscle memory is so strong. Then it's just about getting your mind in the game.” Adds Galitzine, “It's a very vulnerable and trusting space. Taylor and I had to rely on each other because we really wanted to tell that story honestly and feel that we weren't hindered by any of our own boundaries that we were setting up. It becomes a sort of wonderful choreography that all serves to facilitate these two young men who fell in love with each other. Robbie was really helpful in educating me in the physical language of the character.”

From GQ

As our tea gets cold and our time draws to a close, we quickly touch on what it was like to film Red, White & Royal Blue’s more intimate scenes. To fight the awkwardness of being surrounded by the film crew, Zakhar Perez and Galitzine would whisper jokes and try to make the other one crack up. “There’s a playful teasing that never veered into anything nasty, which was a lovely dynamic to be a part of,” says Robbie Taylor Hunt, the film’s intimacy coordinator. “But also they just treated each other like colleagues and co-creatives in a really nice, collaborative way.” “There’s so much choreography to sex…ual scenes,” Zakhar Perez says, laughing, recounting the sheer amount of time and energy (and the occasional blow-up mattress) that went into rehearsals. “It’s a crazy thing to be intimate in that way with your friend,” says Galitzine. “And we want people to fall in love with these characters, because their love has to be real.” “Our guards were down during the rehearsals,” Zakhar Perez adds. But as soon as someone would yell “Cut”? “One of us would say something stupid, like, Get off me!” 

From People

When Red, White & Royal Blue got labeled with an R rating from the Motion Picture Association, López admits he was surprised by the stamp. The MPA cited "some sexual content, partial nudity and language" in its rating. "I think I was a little surprised at the R rating just because, while I never was encouraged to limit what we were showing or limit what I was depicting, the scene is what I intended to show. It plays exactly how I wanted it to play," López says of a sex scene between the two leads. The Tony winner explains that he had free rein to include whatever he felt necessary onscreen while depicting the love story: "It's the movie I set out to make." He adds, "I essentially decided to hedge my bets, in that I wouldn't step a toe over the line of PG-13 into R when it came to language, when it came to— there's no violence in the story, of course. But I would just do what I felt was right for the story when it came to the sexuality of the film and let the chips fall where they may."

From Out Smart Magazine

The director explains that giving the film’s sex scenes the royal treatment was an important factor for him. “One of the things in the novel that I knew needed to be in the film was the fundamental truth that these two people have really good sex with each other, they are very attracted to each other, and they find ways of expressing it physically. I inherently knew that there were a multitude of ways that we were going to express intimacy in this movie and that we were tracking the progression of their closeness. They sort of meet-cute and not only go from being enemies to lovers, but one of them is not fully aware of the extent to which he’s into guys before they meet. I thought a lot about the intimacy themes in the movie as a way of bringing them incrementally closer and closer together. “By the time we got to the real lovemaking scene in the movie, I knew that I wanted to create something that was beautiful, loving, and tender. It’s not about maximizing an opportunity to get as much sex in the movie as possible. It’s about maximizing what I’ve got in order to tell the story effectively and honestly, in a way that the people for whom the movie is being made understand that it is being made for them.”

From Hindustan Times

Red White And Royal Blue also features a sex scene that was so empowering in terms of how it chooses to focus not on the body but on the gradual understanding between what two people in love want from each other. Did you always have a specific direction in how you wanted the scene to be shot? My answer to your question is your question! That is precisely how I wanted to shoot it. It is undeniable that these are two beautiful men but what was more important to me was this be a scene of true intimacy between these two characters. I always knew I wanted to shoot those scenes primarily on their faces. I knew that what we would read in their eyes and their faces was much more powerful a storytelling tool than what I could have shown in a wider shot using their bodies, and it allowed them to thoroughly act that scene rather than simply perform that scene. I love that question because the way you phrased that question is exactly the way we talked about the scene- as we planned it with my intimacy coordinator, and as Taylor, Nick and I rehearsed it. Yeah, so you could just your question and turn it into my answer, because that's precisely it.

From TV & Satellite Week

The two leads were equally keen to make their characters’ relationship evolve believably. ‘Nick and I felt a responsibility to bring to life these sexual moments that are in the book in a real, grounded way,’ says Zakhar Perez. ‘The intimate scenes were choreographed and specific when it came to whether it was a moment of passion, or a tender experience. In a relationship you go through different stages, and we got to explore those throughout the film.’

From PinkNews

“I don’t think you can tell the story of Alex and Henry without talking about their very enjoyable sex life,” he says. However, the sex isn't just thrown in for the sake of it, each has a purpose and nuance. López likes to think of the scenes as songs in a musical. "It needs to progress the story, it needs to progress your understanding of the character. If it doesn't, then it doesn't belong," he explains. The two lead stars worked with an intimacy co-ordinator to ensure the scenes were done carefully and safely, but were also realistic. “We need to actually believe that Alex and Henry have really great, connected sex,” López says. “That, as a queer man, was really important to me to convey.”

From Observer

Hollywood has a tendency to shy away from gay sex onscreen. But this movie goes all in. Did you get any pushback about that?  ML: When I was pitching myself for the job, this was part of my pitch. Basically, “If you hire me, you’re getting this.” I let it be known from the get-go that this was going to be in the film. And, of course, there were negotiations throughout the process of what exactly it would be. But I was adamant from the start that this film honor what’s in the book, which is that these two characters have a very healthy sex life. They are very, very into each other, they have great sex, and a lot of it. So that was important to me.  It was really important to me as well in a mainstream love story. We talked about this as a rom-com and there other times we talked about it as a love story. As a love story, it was really important to me that the audience understand that these two young men are deeply connected—emotionally, intellectually and physically. Their physical connection is a huge part of what binds them. It would have been absolutely the decision I would make if it was a man and a woman. So I was going apply the same storytelling and requirements on my queer film that I think anybody would on a on a heterosexual film. I will say Amazon didn’t give me a hard time on these scenes. I got support. I got notes, of course. But that’s what happens when you don’t have final cut. There was a lot of support for this story being told as we all knew it needed to be told.

From MetroSource

Our sex is beautiful. The way we have sex is beautiful. Our intimacy is beautiful. Consensual sex between two humans is a beautiful thing, and it’s one of the wonderful things about being alive. The book is very steamy, very sexual, and I really love that about the book. I knew that I’d be committing heresy if I didn’t bring that into the film. A sex scene in a movie is like a song in a musical. It really does need to either charm you or teach you something about the characters and move the plot along. The other thing, too, is that you’re asking two performers to do something that is really vulnerable, and you don’t ever want to ask too much of them, and you don’t ever want to make anybody feel uncomfortable or forced into doing something. We were conscientious about how we approached each one of these scenes. I spent a lot of time with my intimacy coordinator mapping them out. We really paid particular attention to what story are we telling with each and every one of these intimacy scenes so that we could turn around and speak to Taylor and Nick and explain to them exactly why we were asking them to do what we were asking them to do. Beyond just sort of the mechanics of the filmmaking, to tell the story of Alex and Henry and not include the fact that they are very passionately, physically attracted to one another, is to not tell the full story of Alex and Henry.

From Windy City Times

Robbie Taylor Hunt was the intimacy coordinator on the film. How important was that for this film? ML: It was essential. I think that if someone doesn't like working with intimacy coordinators, then they are missing the point. Robbie was an important partner in creating this. In essence, it was a way of protecting the actors and making them not just feel, but be, safe. It is no different than working with my director of photography or my costume designer. We use stunt coordinators with stunts, so in the same way, I wanted to use an intimacy coordinator. Robbie helped me articulate what I wanted to show and execute it. He was invaluable to me.

[quannaix]

What is your experience with Animal Crossing?

Okay it has been literally over three months since you sent this so I apologise I just have a lot to say and wanted to enjoy going on about Animal Crossing.

My first was Animal Crossing Wild World, which I saved up for and bought, even pre-owned it was expensive for primary school me. I did not know much about the game and it was years before I realised that the copy hadn't been wiped so I'd walked into someone else's town. I'm guessing someone called George, since my town was named Egroeg. But by that point I'd been playing for so long I didn't want to wipe my progress. Also by then I had realised that he had upgraded Nook's to the highest version, which would have been hard for me to replicate because it involved playing multiplayer and I only had one other friend with the game. I really loved ACWW, and I spent lots of time playing it even though I definitely didn't understand a lot of elements of the game. My friend and I spend loads of time imagining things we'd love to add to the game, like if you could get a job (paying that loan off in shells is hard!) and I thought it would be cute if you could drive around in a little car that had a boot for extra inventory space (backpacks fill up a lot when things don't stack). I became best friends with Kiki in this game and when she moved I was so sad that I planted a tree where her house had been thinking that would stop another house taking her place (I was wrong, but it's the thought that counts).

I did get AC Let's Go to the City for the Wii, but never racked up many hours on that because being console based I'd have to find time when the family wasn't using the TV. I definitely prefer it as a handheld game.

I got given Animal Crossing New Leaf for my birthday when it released and I maintain this is best AC game. I still love it so much. I love that they introduced the mechanics of town design, most notably that Roost was a stand alone cafe and you got to choose where to place it!!!!! I think this might be around the time I first started following you (saxyplaya hehe) I assume because I found you from looking for QR codes for designs. I am still obsessed with so many of the QR code dresses people came up with. I think ACNL had the best balance of effort to output. Like it had these town design features but still took ages to do things. You had to grow trees from scratch and grow them again if you placed em wrong. This made everything feel more satisfying though, imo. You really put in the hours, and days and weeks, so the results would make me feel proud. I love that there are so many fruit tree varieties, I love visiting the island, I love that you CAN work at the Roost and that Brewster would give you coffee rewards. The updates they made with Happy Home Designer and the campsite, including adding the 'god mode' furniture design thing did make things a lot easier. But I like actually that to see anything you have to actually put it on/put it in the room, in your cupboards everything is just the generic category icon. I still have not caught all the bugs and fish in this game. I THINK I have all the fossils, but I think it makes it more fun for longer if it's not so easy to catch everything. I love the shopping street, and slowly unlocking the buildings. I love that little bench at the end of the street looking out. I think the music in this game is so lovely too, and one of my most favourite things is walking around on a rainy day in my town. I also actually loved that it was always the opposite weather hemisphere-wise, often I'd log in in irl winter so I could feel warm and vice-versa.

I also just love the graphics and look and feel of the game. The characters are still sassy and have a lot of personality. I always think fondly of my neighbour O'Hare, because his birthday is two days after mine. Now I could wax rhapsodic about ACNL al day but I should move on!

I freely admit I did obsessively play AC Pocket Camp for like a year or two when it came out (maybe longer??) to fill the void while I waited to see if there would be a Switch game. My partner also got me the original GameCube Animal Crossing for Christmas, which I played a little, but we don't usually have the GameCube set up and see above my preference of handheld play for AC. Still, a very cute present that I love having.

The second they Switch was announced, I said that I would be holding off on buying one until I saw if they put out a new AC game with a console to match. And I am SO glad I did because I was able to get the console and the game when they came out and I think the console is sooooo pretty. ACNH is really fun as well, I do like the addition of terraforming, being able to place furniture outside, and that they went really ham on the graphics. While I think I still have more of a soft spot for the older graphic style, I love things like the raindrops on the windows and the furniture blowing as the fan goes over it, etc etc those little tiny additions really melt my heart. I do feel like they smoothed out the characters too much, they don't have as much personality as they used to. And as much as so many things are easier (changing clothes, furniture, moving trees and plants, catching all fish/bugs and fossils) I think I preferred it when it was a bit more challenging. I wish the Roost was separate still </3. I loved the addition of Island Designer, I find that so fun, and I love the glowing moss furniture, and being able to design villager's houses (given that sometimes they start to look really dogshit after I've been gifting them my garbage furniture sorry guys). I don't send letters as much in this game as I used to, idk why exactly it just never seemed as fun or important in ACNH. I like the addition of cooking, more just because it tickles me personally. I'm back and forth on the crafting mechanism. I think overall I like it, and in many ways it's a return to the challenging aspects I just went on about loving in the previous game in terms of it being an involved process (esp if you want to change the colours), but I think that tools breaking SO fast annoys me and that even gold tools break annoys me heaps. Overall I do still enjoy ACNH, and I'm actually glad that it introduced the game to a whole lot of new people because it's widened the audience of people I can ramble about AC to. I do wish I had gone with the other hemisphere weather, I went back and forth on that and I discovered I actually prefer it NOT aligning with my real life weather so it can serve as an escape.

Thank you for asking me this question, in case you can't tell I love talking about Animal Crossing it is definitely one of my favourite game series of all time <3

[amalgamgooze]

the most annoying Smash Brothers character butterfly effects me into studying Japanese

(Big Earthbound/MOTHER 3 spoilers ahead!)

Back in December of 2018, Super Smash Brothers Ultimate for the Nintendo Switch had released. I didn't think much of it at the time--it was just a game that I'd end up playing with my cousins over Christmas break. It functioned great as a party game back then in that more innocent time, since we all sucked equally at it.

We'd most often play with the standard rule set, forcing ourselves to choose random characters so nobody could get good at using one spammy character.

It was this fatal mistake that introduced me to the character known as "Ness", otherwise known as the kid who screams "PK Fire" several times before exclaiming "Okeh!". If you know how to do this, he becomes a rather irritating character to play against in casual settings.

Fortunately for my cousins, they only suffered the wrath of Ness for one single game.

Unfortunately for everyone, I decided I would get better at playing Ness in Smash Brothers just for the fun of it.

Fortunately for everyone, I didn't really become much better than knowing how to use the shield button and following the PK Fire spam with a swift swing from his trusty wooden bat--which is still annoying to play against, but not terrible to avoid if you know how to.

Of course, when I got my butt handed to me repeatedly in Smash's online matchmaking, I stopped really trying to get better at the game. Even through that disappointment, though, there was still a nagging impulse to try Earthbound, the game that Ness originates from.

Fast forward to 2020, the year the world went weird. In the boring isolation of the pandemic summer, between bouts of working on a Minecraft mod that never got finished, wasting away on the servers of Team Fortress 2, and attempts to stay in shape for the upcoming soccer season, I started playing games on my 3DS again, sticking mostly to eShop-exclusive titles such as indie and Virtual Console games. (RIP 3DS eShop, you will be sorely missed by many.)

Of course, in the midst of indie titles like VVVVVV, Cave Story, and The Binding of Isaac, there lay Earthbound: the original Earthbound-inspired indie RPG. About depression.

I'm kidding, of course. Earthbound explores more existential/absurd themes as opposed to tackling depression. In fact, the only Earthbound-inspired indie RPG I can think of is OMORI. (I think Undertale ends up getting lumped into that category a lot too because of its substantial story--though at that point I'd rather just call the genre "Indie RPGs with interesting stories". But enough ranting.)

Surprisingly, I'd managed to play Earthbound without getting major spoilers about crucial story moments--which I think really adds to the experience of anything. Though, that's kind of obvious. Still, I think the story still lands and hits just as hard even if you know what's coming.

Earthbound, as mentioned earlier, is a 1994 SNES RPG produced by Ape Inc. and HAL Laboratory (yes, the masterminds behind the Kirby series!), written/directed by Shigesato Itoi and with (legendary) lead programmer Satoru Iwata. There's more interesting history behind the game and its development, but I'll leave that up to you whether you want to read into it more or not.

The story of Earthbound itself is built upon the quest for Ness (and his friends) to save the world from the evil alien Giygas--though the looming threat of world destruction honestly feels so minor in the quirky world of Earthbound. Sure, there's robots and animals that have been influenced by Giygas to kill you, but Giygas's influence ends up nothing more than a justification as to why otherwise peaceful entities go out of their way to chase you down on the overworld map.

There's so much to Earthbound to unpack that, again, I've only really got space to discuss my top-very-most-favorite moments of the game.

Perhaps one of the best moments of the game happens about a third of the way through its course--it's got no official name, but Earthbound fans know it as the "Coffee Break" scene.

After defeating a mound of ooze that's been terrorizing the curious Mr. Saturns, Ness's party takes a short rest in a hot spring while drinking coffee served by a Mr. Saturn. The screen fades to black, and an epic monologue begins scrolling in front of a psychedelic blue-and-green background. The end of this monologue is perhaps the most inspiring part:

One thing you must never lose is courage. If you believe in the goal you are striving for, you will be courageous. There are many difficult times ahead, but you must keep your sense of humor, work through the tough situations and enjoy yourself.

(Earthbound "Coffee Break" Scene)

Now, when I experienced this scene for the first time, I was nothing but a weird anxious mess of something between a middle schooler and a freshman, daunted by the world and its uncertainty. So of course this scene resonated well with me.

Four(ish) years later I'm in a much better place psychologically and these lines still inspire me. I've been fortunate enough to receive a print with those exact lines that's now proudly displayed on my dresser in my room.

This is just one example of Itoi's masterful writing in action--though unfortunately it's not the 'original original' text--it's been translated. I think the translators did an excellent job with these games--but no matter how good a translator is, it's just fact that you're not reading the original text and thus you might not be picking up on the author's true voice.

Anyway, continuing on with Earthbound's awesomeness, there's a scene much later in the game where Ness ventures deep into "Magicant"--a world formed from his own memories. This is where I feel like Earthbound's story's "coming-of-age" portion hits the hardest. It's a very literal representation of Ness reflecting on himself and continuing to grow throughout his adventure--especially at the end of the stage, where upon defeating "Ness's Nightmare", a short cutscene plays where our hero receives massive boosts to every single stat--much more substantial than after any other fight. It's to reflect him overcoming his fears and doubts, and growing immensely as a result--returning to that idea of courage again.

If I ramble any longer about Earthbound, though, I'll never finish this post.

So, moving on, after beating (and loving) Earthbound, I obviously searched for similar games to play next.

MOTHER 3 tends to be high up on these lists of "what to play post-Earthbound". Being another game written and directed by Shigesato Itoi, I obviously had to try it next!

Unfortunately, it's never been officially released in English. In fact, at this point, it's just comedic how Nintendo sort of refuses to mention the game to non-Japanese audiences outside of Smash Brothers. There's even a Robot Chicken skit about it!

Thankfully, there's a fantastic fan translation for the game (project lead Clyde "Tomato" Mandelin) that lets stupid Americans and other English-speakers play the game without learning a new language.

So I'd tried this fan patch that same summer. Unfortunately, I got stuck right before the best part of the game started, so I never got further than the beginning of Chapter 4.

And it stayed that way for years.

Until last summer.

Towards the end of the summer last year, I'd picked my now-modded 3DS back up again and decided to hack the MOTHER 3 fan translation onto it.

I know I said the game only gets good after Chapter 4, but that's not because the beginning of the game is terrible. It's just sort of slow--at least in my opinion. The story for these sections are fantastic too--it's very good exposition, in my opinion. Somehow, though, the later story manages to dwarf that excellent exposition with how well it's done.

There's so much else I could rave about this game too--but again, in the sake of finishing this today, I've got to stick to my favorite parts.

First, the hardware upgrade. The graphics and soundtrack for MOTHER 3 are permitted to be much more expressive because of refined console capabilities. Every single animation is so expressive--from the cutscenes to the gameplay, everything just exudes personality. Perhaps the expressiveness of it all makes it an excellent case study for the idea of "show, don't tell"-- something I've noticed quite a few modern games lacking in.

Shigesato Itoi obviously does a wonderful job of tackling emotional themes again in this final installation of the MOTHER series. This game's story jumps from character to character at the start of the game, eventually focusing on Lucas's response to the rampant urbanization of his once-peaceful hometown--as well as his dead mother, missing brother, and mourning father. His ragtag party grows to include his dog Boney, the assertive princess Kumatora, and the limping thief Duster.

There's a scene late in the game where the party washes up on the shores of Tanetane Island and consumes psychoactive mushrooms, leading to a miserable trip filled with hostile hallucinations. At points, people important to the party members end up ridiculing and threatening them. There's an incredibly memorable moment where Lucas hallucinates his brother and his father threatening to beat and flog him. It's easy to see this scene as just "Generic Drug-Fuelled Hallucination Scene #87", but in reality it confronts these very real (and sometimes rational) fears of being betrayed by those closest to us.

Again, I could go on and on about MOTHER 3, but for the sake of time, I have to move on.

After beating MOTHER 3, I started reading into a lot of media regarding it--stuff I'd avoided beforehand to avoid any more egregious spoilers than the ones I'd already unfortunately received. One of the most interesting pieces of media, in my opinion, were the lead translator's "commentary" on the process of translating the game. (These notes can be found here, if you're interested!)

Being an aspiring story-rich-game developer myself, the notes were incredibly fascinating to me, with all the minute changes and creative liberties that were taken in order to preserve the original intents of the game while preparing it for Western audiences. If I remember correctly, the team needed a programmer to modify the text scrolling methods the game had in order to print English text properly!

This ultimately inspired me to start learning Japanese myself, in hopes of trying out the original, untranslated MOTHER 3 and experiencing the differences for myself.

After weeks of literally studying just the characters of Japanese hiragana and katakana, I'd finally started actually "studying" Japanese with the help of Duolingo and my friend who'd been part of a Japanese exchange program before.

Just over 200ish days later, here I am with a 199-day streak on Duolingo spending hours earlier today studying how to discuss public transport and houses in Japanese. It's a slow process, but if I keep studying my textbooks and learning vocabulary, I'll become more and more fluent until I can play MOTHER 3 untranslated.

And to think this all began with the worst character to play against in Super Smash Brothers Ultimate.

…

Thanks for reading ALL of this! I know it's SUPER long, so I really appreciate it!

See you later!

…

(PS: There's probably issues with my post. Unfortunately, I'm a little pressed for time right now, so I can't really go back and proofread right now. Sorry!)

[daylightcommand3]

This might be a hard question to answer, but have you thought about what TMNT 2036 would look like in terms of art style? Would you want it to be 2D animated or use 3D models? Would it be more "grungy" and geometric like 2012 and Mutant Mayhem, or more wild and expressive like Rise, or more grounded like 03? Is the style somehow completely new that it's hard to compare to the prior incarnations? Do you have any specific design notes for the specific characters that you didn't mention in your big post on the heroes? How "weird" do the turtles look, pretty standard or would they push the bar even further than Rise did in making them stand out? Splinter's always changes a lot, what's he supposed to look like?

Sorry if this is a tough thing to ask, I know it's hard to describe something like a visual style without any kind of existing reference. But I also wanna come as close as I can to getting the same mental image of this iteration that's in your hand, and... MAYBE no promises at all Whatsoever don't count on it, try to give it some manner of actual visual interpretation? I'd do it completely out of my own reading of what you've said already without me asking directly, but I felt the end result would be more accurate if I did.

Regardless, I'm excited to see what else you have in mind in general for this! For as fun as a franchise like TMNT is with how it reiterates old concepts in new ways, it's a little shocking to me I haven't seen more people suggest their own iterations. I'll be honest and say I'm a little baffled I haven't had any ideas for my own Turtles (though I DO have part of an Avengers incarnation I had some scattered ideas for, might get back to that eventually), so I'm very glad you're picking up the slack in that sense. I might chip in with potential ideas as I get them but for now I definitely wanna wait and hear what you have in mind for the basics first. Excited to hear more when you have it!

This IS a hard question to answer, but I don't mind at all (Thank you for the ask!). I don't have too much of a consistent style in my mind, but I do have a few stray thoughts.

In terms of design desire, I'd say it's most similar to TMNT 2012 (for obvious reasons) with the turtles being blatantly different, without it being exaggerated like Rise or arguably even Mutant Mayhem. They're rather bulky (TMNT 2012 levels of bulky with defined muscles). I don't know what exactly grungy looks like, but if it's anything like 2012/Mutant Mayhem then I suppose they are(?). I definitely can see the argument for a geometric art style (more in a bit). I would want them to look more standard. Yet my imagination has other plans.

I have no idea if it would be 2D or 3D animated.

I'll start with Mikey and Donnie for they share an interesting similarity: I can't stop seeing their Mutant Mayhem heads. Granted it's not exactly their Mutant Mayhem versions. My Mikey has a much bigger forehead, and has a skin tone much more similar to 2012. I really think it's his gangly/lanky body that remind me of the Mutant Mayhem version. Though I can also see my Mikey having his eyes more spaced apart. I'm actually kinda inspired by the original comics by having Mikey's forehead just be a lump on top of his head. Mikey is the tallest of the 4. Not sure how tall exactly. But his brother typically have to look UP at him. (Though if this gets changed to make their heights more consistent it's fine with me.)

(Just have his mask lower (like where this one's nose would be), and I'd think we'd be close to what's in my head.)

Also, despite me kinda picturing Mutant Mayhem Donnie, my Donnie DOES NOT HAVE GLASSES. I'm one of those people who don't like it when they add the classes to convey "nerd". Maybe a more circular head? I also want my Donnie to be kinda pathetic. He and Leo are about the same height. (Donnie may be slightly taller. Who knows.)

For Raph I have two main sources: @/nerves-nebula's drawings (warning: it heavily discusses and alludes to topics such as abuse/SA/incest, so proceed with your own caution). And Bowser Jr. In fact, whenever I imagine Raph, he's the only who doesn't have proper eyes. He just has two dots. Though for consistency sake its best if he does I imagine. To expand more on the Bowser Jr inspiration, he's also comically short. As big as Rise Raph is, 2036 Raph is small. He's like half the other turtle's height. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I much prefer it when the turtles are about the same height (akin to 2012). On the other hand, this is so much funnier. It makes the moments when he FNAF jumpscares a Foot soldier or other enemy much funnier. It also allows him to bite onto some poor enemy's arm and force them to shake him off. Raph is the main reason why I kinda want to make the turtles different species of turtles, as he's so inconsistent from the others.

Raph's head kinda reminds me of Trappinch. The visible mouth/teeth outline is ESSENTIAL. HE CHOMPS!!!!!

Though ultimately it's for the best if Raph loses being the most cartoony for being more consistent with his brothers.

I have no clue for Leo. Mutant Mayhem kinda fits. But it's not perfect. I really only have vibes to go off of. He's a unique blend of 2003, 2012, and Mutant Mayhem. He takes everything as seriously as 2003, but doesn't have the authority to actually do anything about it. This results in him being kinda whiny.

The shell size for the turtles is the same as 2012. Gives them normalish body proportions. But still allows them to full retract. I'd also like the shells to look rather tough (maybe 2003 tough?), because, just like (of all inspirations) the Micheal Bay movies, the turtles are bullet proof. BUT ONLY WHEN RETRACTED IN THEIR SHELLS. Fun fact: Being bulletproof is what forces most of the villains to use laser guns and stuff because that's the only thing that could theoretical pierce their shells. Bullets don't work on Splinter either because he just Matrix-dodges them all.

Speaking of Splinter, he's heavily inspired by his 2012 version proportions wise. Very tall (though Mikey is as tall as he is). His fur is a light brown, akin to early incarnations. Most of his height is in his tall, thin legs. I don't know why I keep coming back to this design feature, but I think it's funny. Chicken legs Splinter. His most vital design element is his mouth (nose/snout?) being super long as well. This mostly so when he puts on his "human" disguise (just a bunch of human clothing hiding his features), his face mask is stretched out to the point in looks like a cone.

My April is heavily inspired by Mutant Mayhem April. She may be a bit more bottom-heavy than MM April. I'm also don't see 2036 wearing glasses, but if it completes the look then I don't mind. Now, the most important part is her hair. It is specifically the 2003 April's shade of red. She dyes it that way. Her hairstyle is inconsistent in my mind, but it often looks similar to 2003 April's due to color association. Though I imagine one of her bangs(?) being much much much longer on one side of her head than the other.

My Casey has the muscle mass of 1987, the hair of 2003, and the iconic gap tooth of 2012. I can see her head often being more oblong. She's often seen in gray/light-blue tank top, pridefully showing off her arms. As stated before, her hockey mask is painted with a skull featuring a large crack.

Now, as a bonus, I'll go over two villains I ever so briefly mentioned in the heroes post.

Baxter Stockman mostly resembles his 2003 design, although he has 2012's mustache.

Oroku Saki is also heavily inspired by his 2003 design. Though he also has a bit of 2003 Hamato Yoshi in him too. Given that's he's Splinter's owner and all that. I really want Saki to just look like a normal guy. His Shredder armor is also heavily inspired by 2003. Unlike 2012, there is not an inch of skin visible. The most important part of the 2003 inspiration is the fact that you can only see his glowing eyes in the mask, though they're pure white in this incarnation (like the fortnite skin).

I also really like this helmet design in general.

The most important part of 2036 Saki is that he has 2012's vambraces. Those are the coolest shit in media. I'll be damned if my Shredder doesn't have those exact ones. INCLUDE THEM!!!!.

Oh, and by the way, here's a visual teaser for another iconic TMNT villain in my incarnation:

Well that's about everything I can think of. Once again, thank you so much for the ask! It feels great to get all these clashing and conflicting design elements off my chest. It means so much to me that people are interested in my ideas. And don't worry, I already got three 2036 posts in the works. And I welcome any of your ideas.

[dailycass-cain]

Knight Terrors: Nightwing #2 had Cass in it so of course I'm going to give my thoughts on the issue. Is it good? Is it bad? No matter what I'll talk about the Cass in extraordinary detail!

I'll start with the good.

As a series focusing on Nightwing and Scarecrow? It was good. Alright. I mean this isn't the first time we've seen Dick facing his nightmares (nor will it be the last), but the layer of Scarecrow being involved added something to this mini.

Daniele Di Nicuolo's art was amazing. Really made the two issues pop more. More so when it went into the whole "nightmare" vibe.

That's all the positives I can give.

The whole Batgirls section of this issue felt superfluous to the overall story with Dick. It didn't really add anything to the plot, and all the two did was free Barbara-- which is kind of a detriment to the character.

I mean you could've had Nightwing and Scarecrow fix her and she finds out the exit herself. There was "zero" need for the Batgirls in this story sadly. In that area, the whole female section to this mini just felt-- meh to me.

Ironically, once again Nightwing and the three Batgirls just don't mix well. The character overshadowed all three Batgirls back in the infamous Batgirls #7-8 arc.

The ideas are solid with each Batgirl facing their own nightmare. But that's the grand problem with this issue and the story in itself. We just never see it.

I went into the issue and this page above is like, "Okay, we're gonna get some context right? Akin to what's going on over in Action Comics and Superman tie-ins to this event? We're so getting a Cass/Steph story and-- oh that's it no more issue? WHAT WAS THE POINT?!" 😩

Going into the story I kept expecting more and got the rug pulled out from under me. Therein lies the rub. Dick, Jason, and Tim (Damian gets to be in the main story) got FULL exposure to their "Knightmares".

Batgirls? Well, tough luck here's a tiny nugget and um.. WE'RE DONE!

At the very least with Batgirls #7-8 I know the context of the two issues. I can understand why that story is a calamity as it entails everything so very wrong with Dick (he overshadows the actual leads) and Barbara (is squandered in reused bad subplot again for the 4th time).

If it wasn't for Spirit World #4 the week prior, and Birds of Prey #1 next month (September 5th and you should ALL buy it). I'd be more peeved at the waste of space Knight Terrors: Nightwing series gave Cass.

The ideas by Michael Conrad and Becky Cloonan are sound. The problem is-- we get NOTHING more. Just, "hey this happened. We're not even gonna explain why Cass looks way different now and is caked in blood."

Just enjoy this cool moment. That's it.

I don't blame the writers for this. They thought of the idea to put this in here and that's it. I blame DC heads for this. You clearly could've given us a Batgirls tie-in or small story to "fill that gap" from point A to B.

This felt like I was back in 2016-2020 where we'd get a "small bone" and that's it. Well, coming off Batgirls ongoing, Cass being in Spirit World and BoP. I can say I don't mind overlooking it almost.

Almost.

The problem is in regards to Stephanie Brown and Barbara Gordon two female characters who deserve better. Whatever comes from the godawful "Gotham War" event next month something bad just feels will come over Steph and Babs.

It already feels unneeded as Tec, BoP, and Batman & Robin feel like they're just going in this direction:

So if that's the case. Why can't we get one nugget in this damn event for Steph and Babs? Freaking Knight Terrors: Punchline #1-2 gave Babs a better nugget here and that was a goddamn nightmare construct.

I can go on and on. But DC you need to still treat female characters slightly better here. Ironically, yet again when it comes to your Batgirls.

This issue disappointed me. It made me slightly angry, but hey Spirit World is currently out there. Birds of Prey is out next month. As a fan of Cass, I'd be feasting and feasting good.

Do you want a better-written comic by this team? Batgirls #14 and anything after #7. I also LOVED the idea of Cass being scared of what she might become still. I wish we you know-- SAW IT TOO!

DC?

Treat your female characters better than this. This issue feels like a regression. If Stephanie gets "taken off the table" for a bit due to this godawful event beginning next month. This issue will just feel worse.

[denimbex1986]

'She is just so fun and feisty and ballsy – she's just so much fun to play," Doctor Who star Ruth Madeley says of her character Shirley Anne Bingham. "I'd love to be more like Shirley in my real life, I have got nowhere near that much cool in me!"

Madeley made her spectacular on-screen Doctor Who debut in The Star Beast as UNIT's 56th scientific advisor. In the space of the 57-minute special, she got David Tennant's Doctor out of some very sticky situations – and took absolutely none of his nonsense.

"Overall she is not overly impressed by anyone or anything, which I love about her because I am the complete opposite. That's really fun to play," Madeley tells RadioTimes.com.

Being such a key part of UNIT means Madeley is now embedded in Doctor Who's history and legacy. But she didn't want to overload on research about the history of the organisation, explaining: "I wanted to come to it very fresh. I liked the thought of putting my own spin on something that I didn't have a knowledge of before because I didn't want to replicate anyone else.

"And because she is visibly disabled, she's got a completely different experience to other people, I think that's why I wanted to keep it quite authentic to what I felt worked."

Of course, Madeley's casting also marks a huge moment for disability representation in Doctor Who and she's quick to praise returning showrunner Russell T Davies on how true to life his script was.

"I've had the privilege of working with Russell before. When we did Years and Years together, we worked really closely together on creating a character who was so often sick, and whose disability was so authentic – as much as I would love to take credit for any of Shirley, Russell had her down straight away because he knows what to do when it comes to disabled characters," she explains.

"That, for me, felt really real and you can just tell that he gets it because we'd worked together before and so he knew a lot about what was happening and what it's like to be in a world that is inaccessible and in a place where certain people do have certain opinions about disability. So it is really fun to read what he puts together and say, 'Oh, yeah, that's so accurate.'"

Explaining that Davies is always conscious of being representative in his storytelling, Madeley adds: "He is just so good at that and it's been a privilege to kind of highlight some of those issues that perhaps he wasn't aware of before. But through us knowing each other and working together, he got that really quickly, which meant that by the time he came to write these scripts, there was literally nothing that I had to add."

So many moments of Madeley's performance have had a powerful impact – including one scene in which her character simply crosses her legs.

"That's caused a bit of an uproar, hasn't it?" Madeley reflects. "Hand on heart, I did not even give that a second thought when I did that at all. I just did it because that's what's natural to me. I had no idea it would cause that much conversation but that just says so much about where we're at with disability representation, how we need so much more so that something so seemingly tiny wouldn't become such a massive conversation."

Madeley also recalls: "When [Shirley] said in this special, 'Don't make me the problem,' I think that was just a moment for every single disabled person watching who has been made to feel like the problem is them, not the inaccessibility, and Shirley is just having none of it, she was like, 'Don't make me the problem. Get on with the job.' What a brilliant moment – in one sentence to sum up all of that, just absolutely fantastic."

Plus, not only is the new TARDIS absolutely stunning – it's actually wheelchair accessible. "It's very cool, very cool indeed. What a brilliant thing for kids to see as well, [to] have that level of access in something that they've grown up watching and wanting to have a little trip in."

To many fans' delight, it's been confirmed that Shirley will return. Madeley's keeping tight-lipped on the details but says: "All I will say is that she is a brilliant addition to the world of Doctor Who. She will continue to be badass and she will continue to bring that joy to the show, and wherever the writing takes her, I think people will be happy."

As for whether she'd like to return to Doctor Who beyond the specials to potentially work with Ncuti Gatwa? It's a resounding yes: "I would never say no. I mean to be fair, I'd go just to make the tea... I feel very, very excited that I'm able to be part of that world where there are chances that she could come back. Yeah, there are opportunities for it because she's there now. She's in it so there's scope now for her to return so that's very exciting."

Every time Doctor Who returns, there's a proportion of the public who refer to it as "woke". On the other hand, many fans are of the opinion that Doctor Who has always been progressive for its time and has constantly been reflective of political and social issues.

Responding to that debate, Madeley said: "I think people will always have opinions and that is absolutely fine for me. I'm not here to silence anyone's opinions. I just don't buy into the whole idea of having a disabled person or a transgender person on screen as 'woke'.

"We exist, so I don't understand how my existence or anyone else's existence can be called 'woke'. But there we go. Some people will always say that and, for me, the fact that we've got kids and their parents messaging saying, 'Oh my God, my kid screamed because they were so excited that they saw themselves on screen', all of that for me is much more important and it drowns out any of the other noise that happens."

There are so many facets of Shirley's character that were important for Madeley to portray. Listing just a few, she explains: "She's good at her job. She is completely professional, she knows exactly what she's doing. There is nobody else better for the job than her, that's a huge thing. But also she is fearless, she is not a damsel in distress and her disability doesn't mean that she needs extra help.

"If anything, she would like to shoot someone who offered help! I'm joking, she wouldn't. But I think that in itself is such a powerful thing, like she had a completely different experience on screen as a disabled woman than what some people might have expected. She is the one that kind of saves them as well, which is a very cool thing. That was really important that she was strong, in the sense that she was an integral part of the team, and she is very, very capable."

Plus, she was thrilled by getting to share the screen with a returning Tennant. "Doctor Who aside, I've loved and will always love his work. I think he is one of the best actors on the planet and so to be able to share the screen with him just us two, that felt like a real pinch me moment and something that I will cherish forever – that was one of the highlights for me."

While the details of Madeley's return to Doctor Who are still under wraps, she's got plenty of things she'd still love to do on the show.

"There's so much. I keep adding things as the days go on now, but I am going to leave a question open and hope that Russell listens to some of the many text message I'm sending him!"'

[espoopee]

Strangely back to my pre-pandemic personality

It's been a month and unfortunately Tumblr isn't where I find myself hanging out frequently, but at least this is still my emotional and mental refuge, I guess.

So...

Ever since I broke up with my ex, I've been in a weird space where because I don't really have an outlet for affection and romantic urges, I tend to get frustrated and get very distracted. I understand that I now have some sort of freedom to go date whoever I want; that being said I'm reminded of my pre-pandemic romantic struggles of being attracted to a lot of guys, but not finding a lot of guys attracted to me. It's not really that big of an issue, but I do get irked at this really familiar feeling that I once thought I'd be over and beyond it.

As much as being attracted to lots of guys is very fun and honestly motivating to go dating, having this constant communication with one guy is very confusing, and not where I want myself to be at mentally.

Soooooo... storytime!

I met this one guy while playing Monster Hunter Rise: Sunbreak. He caught my attention with his funny username (BigDickDaddy) and the fact that we were using the same weapon. Following our interaction, I decided to add him as a Steam friend because at the time, I was just adding people who were willing to talk and banter while playing. I didn't really care who they were, I just needed some fun people to play with.

We hit it off pretty well. He started playing later than I did, so I decided to help him out with grinds and missions. In the meantime, we started getting to know each other better. I wasn't really all that interested in him personally, but as we talked, it seemed clear that he was looking for a friend to play with as well. I figured, why not, let's be friends.

This went on for 2 or 3 more weeks of just consistently playing and hitting each other up when we felt like it. I started learning more about him, like that he has a girlfriend... Not that I cared at first. I did start feeling some type of way when he started showing me more attention, I suppose. We'd play for hours. I think it caught the attention of his girlfriend, who found it strange that we would always play, yet we don't really know each other. He said, "she asked why we play so much but we're not even Facebook friends."

So, I said to him that he can add me if he wants. I gave him my Facebook, and when I received his friend request, well... I was stunned. I saw his profile picture, and he was hella cute. I almost had a breakdown because I was afraid of this happening. I didn't want another unattainable attraction to another guy. But, as it happened so many times in my life already, it was inevitable. I knew from that point on that I could only control how I would act around him if I knew that I had no chance whatsoever. That being said, I figured there wouldn't be any harm in getting to know him some more if at least I can a friend in him...

We've had some really interesting conversations about ourselves, and what we do. It's kinda bizarre how I managed to hold his attention for so long. Now, it's slowed down a little bit. On one hand, I'm kinda thankful that I can have a little bit of distance and learn to focus on myself... but another part of me hates that and craves his attention so bad, particularly because I haven't yet learned to be content with myself as a single person, desperately craving affection that had been abandoned by my ex.

I'm honestly stuck in a peculiar situation that, from what comments on Reels on Instagram are saying (from those weird breakup-related videos), I'm not totally alone in feeling this way, but the introduction of this guy certainly adds new obstacles that I wasn't fully prepared for.

At the very least, I just don't want to jeopardize anything we have, what little of it, just because I find myself attracted to him. But... goddamn, it sucks. The real real real honesty from me is that I wanna be with him, I wanna go on a date with him, I wanna get to know him bone-deep, and I'm absolutely afraid that all of these desires are just gonna end up being unfulfilled fantasies and regrets I'll be carrying 'til the day I die. If anything, I'm already carrying some from previous experiences.

[mimdyluv]

"you can't talk to mimi like that" drabble;

Sitting silent and defeated in the sand meant self-reflection is inescapable. Each member of the group goes through their separate journey of overthinking, picking apart every detail about what went wrong. Pope's nostrils flare as he breathes hard through his nose, a nervous habit that makes JJ glance at him every so often to hint his annoyance. While John B taps his foot, Kiara rolls her eyes. Nobody wants to speak first. Even Indy is uncharacteristically in bad spirits, rolling his tongue in his mouth as he stares hard into space, a hand flicking a quarter between his knuckles.

A stomach growling is loud enough to draw attention, and Mimi holds a hand to her angry gut as if to sooth it. Sheepish, she averts eye contact with anyone that curiously scans her. None of them had had anything to eat, and barely any sleep.

"Guys, this is ridiculous. Maybe we should split up and regroup." Kiara is the first to say, breaking the illusion of quiet and individual contemplation. "We're exhausted, this isn't gonna work."

"We just need a new game plan s'all." JJ retorts, rerouting the growing consensus. Running on fumes meant whoever's the loudest usually gets the vote. "Home stretch, we can't quit now."

Offended, Kiara gestures her flat hands pointed towards her chest. "I didn't say anything about quitting." she objects, frowning at JJ who'd insinuate such a thing.

"Kie, we need to get moving and we need to get moving now. Sucks but we really can't afford a break." John B adds on, standing from his seat on the porch of the Chateau. His hand reaches to clap against the old wood beam, leaning on it. She blinks hard at him, and makes a show of looking to her left and to her right as if searching for who asked him.

"So I suggest we take a second to breathe and now I'm the bad guy?"

"Not the bad guy, just a bad idea." Pope grumbles, picking his legs up to hug to his chest.

"We're not getting anywhere sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, you know." Indy breaks his reticence, gaze flickering up to the conversation as it escalates to new heights.

"'Sorry for ourselves?' That's rich coming from the guy that cost us the time. If we'd gotten there earlier, then maybe the gold'd still be there!" JJ just wants something to yell about, raising his voice as he straightens to tower over Indy in his seat.

"Oh, c'mon, you saw the dig site. They got there hours, maybe days before us. My stop didn't affect shit." Indy responds flippantly, not affording JJ the dignity of eye contact.

Mimi hates being in the middle of this, gaze bouncing off of each person to the other with each argument that gradually overlaps one another. She can understand both sides here, but it's hard to gather the courage to interrupt a brewing feud.

"God!" John B interjects through the chatter, kicking that wooden beam with his foot hard enough for a coat of dust to puff off. "Shut up for a second! We've gotta put our heads together. We know who took it, it's just a question of how to get it back." No sooner had he finished his statement than an eruption of backlash caused virtually indecipherable din. It shifts through blame, course-of-action, and anger. It all comes back to that initial exhaustion, and Mimi can't deduce any of it. No one can hear her points through the sea of arguments.

Pope picks himself up from his chair, getting on JJ's and John B's level as fixes his posture, "Everybody be quiet!" The strain of his voice causes the vein in his neck to swell, and the throng's volume descends at the sight of someone so level-headed reduced to a mediator. "Ideas, go." he demands.

Mimi finds her strength in the silence, forcing herself to speak before someone else does and she loses her way again. "We should go home." All eyes are on her again, and he throat closes up. Originally she intended more of an explanation that that, but it didn't get across.

Pope scrutinizes her with an incredulous expression, animating it with his entire body as if to judge her for backtracking to the very beginning of the conversation. "Mimi, no offense, but you should sit this one out and let us talk this out." It's a subtle jab on plenty of things, one being her place within this group, as if her opinion doesn't matter. It's everything wrong that's talking, certainly not his view of her. It's his hunger, his frustration, his sleeplessness. And everyone else didn't quite catch how deeply that would pierce her.

Dejected, she deflates, eyes glued to her hands in her lap. Indy, who tries to remain as objective as possible, can't help but step in. "You can't talk to Mimi like that." The quarter in his hand has stopped moving, falling into his fist as his focus narrows on the way Pope stares at him like a deer in headlights. A little life is breathed back into her at the mention of her name, cautiously peering at the sight in front of her as Pope stammers.

Defiantly, her expression hardens, frowning at Pope in a way that helps him understand how he'd alienated her. At first, she hadn't felt like she had the footing to deny it, but having someone put context to it for her opened her up.

Indy shrugs. "You gonna apologize or what?" It's met with more silence, processing what just occurred. "She's as much a part of this as any of you, she says she wants to go home and regroup, and I agree." His tone is firmer than usual, and his sheer patience wears ever thinner. So he stands and scoffs. "Forget it. I'm heading out."

yes

[asterlizard]

UK Trip October 2023 (Part 1)

(oh boy I have missed doing one of these!)

This was the first time travelling since the pandemic began, so of course there was a bit of stress while prepping for this trip. But because we were careful throughout the trip, we avoided anything that could have hindered us.

This felt like a part two to our trip back in 2019, with some unfinished business finally feeling finished. And yet, with only two weeks of travel time, even more unfinished business was made!

Like our previous trip, our flight would leave in the middle of the day, so we had to wake up pretty early in order to get to SFO, check-in, and board the plane on time.

Unfortunately for us, we didn't get much sleep that night. We also used a different ride-share service this time, rather than taking the bus, because our schedules would have conflicted.

We met up at 7:15, and had a good chat with our driver for almost the entire trip, who was from a small town in the Balkans of Bulgaria. When he brought this up, I brought up what I knew about the culture, mainly roses and yogurt (cultural knowledge is a really good ice-breaker!) While chatting, we'd deviate to other topics, including computer science and the rise of A.I. As we drove through San Francisco, he even recommended a restaurant to us! (Kevin's Noodle House)

We arrived at the airport after 9 AM, and checked our bags in pretty quickly. Our flight wasn't until 12:30, so we had plenty of time to kill. I did have a little something to eat before going through customs, but alas I wasn't hungry enough didn't have anything else until the flight.

The flight itself wasn't packed at all! I'm so used to flying during busy seasons, and this flight was like half full! We even got to move to an empty row so we could have a space to ourselves! (Thanks Shawn!)

While we wanted to be careful and were prepared to wear our masks during the flight, because we had plenty of space (There was someone in the row ahead of us, but they slept almost the entire flight, and an empty row in front of them) we didn't really need to! There was also plenty of hand sanitizer on board which I used multiple times to keep my mind at ease. And there were no screaming babies! It was a very pleasant flight!

Wildfire over Idaho?

Entertainment-wise, I got to watch two films on the flight:

'6/45': a funny Korean film about soldiers from the North and South fighting over a winning lottery ticket across the DMZ

'Lost Love': a bittersweet Hong Kong film about a couple who recently lost their young child to an illness, eventually trying out fostering children

Also got to listen to some 80s and 90s music (no 60s or 70s anymore it seems, RIP)

During the night portion of our trip, I saw the stars so clearly (alas I couldn't take good photos) It's also been a while since I've arrived in LHR during the dark. Day just started to break as we were landing.

Once we got to LHR, we travelled by rail to stay at a friend of mum's for a couple of nights (first time taking the Elizabeth Line! Though there were some delays)

When we got there, mum's friend drove us to Hastings and gave us a bit of a tour along the beachside.

Note: I'm using an old camera that has a few cracks in the lens that is unfortunately visible in some photos like the one above. I won't be sharing much of these.

They had a cute working mini railway! With a proper mini crossing!

>:U

Stopped to have a sample of some fudge (it was really really good, mum commented it was how her mum used to make it, I wish I had more!)

This place is so charming!

Tumblr is now limiting how many photos I can add to a post, and I don't have the heart to remove photos I want to share, so this journal will be split into multiple parts.

Here is part 2: [link]

[anarmorofwords]

Hi! You're probably not going to like this ask, but before getting into it I'd just like to say that this isn't meant as Kamala hate or anything, and I don't really want to offend.

Having said that, wouldn't it make sense that we get to see how Kamala treated Anna after she came out? It's in all likelihood one of the things that's weighing on Anna the most.

Obviously Kamala had her valid reasons: her parents aren't as liberal as the Lightwoods, she believes (knows?) their love is conditional as she's adopted, she's not white and not being heterosexual could further any treatment she's suffered from being different... Her reasons have already been listed multiple times by multiple people. Kamala has the right to stay in the closet and fear coming out. And while that shouldn't be villianised, we can't forget that closeted people can harm those around them.

If Kamala had kept treating Anna like a good friend, rumour would've sparked, and even if it was denied, she'd have been harmed by merely associating with Anna. Especially with the life Anna began leading; she could have been labelled as one of Anna's 'conquests' by the Clave. That, as we've established, is detrimental for her safety.

But at the same time, it would create a breach between Anna and Kamala. And Anna had the right to be hurt by it and weary of it when Kamala said she wanted a relationship.

If we look at it from that perspective, Anna's actions (though inexcusable in how they treated Kamala --who was also at fault for not accepting a negative for four months) make sense. Kamala wasn't only a fling of a week*, but also the girl she lost her virginity with, who asked her to be her secret (until she married Charles, after which Anna's affections would be discarded), who hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna suffered from homophobic commentary, and who now wants a relationship hidden from most of the people that know her.

Kamala shouldn't be forced to come out; but the harm that can do to the women she may engage with is reflective of what happens nowadays. I can mostly think of examples with gay men, so my apologies in advance. But how many women have seen their marriages ruined by their husband having affairs with men?

Creating characters that reflect a toxic part of the 'hidden' LGBT community shouldn't be seen as hating or villinifying. Thomas isn't out and he isn't labelled a villain by the narrative --because his actions don't harm anyone. The hate Alastair gets in-universe is because of his past as a bully, not because he's gay. Matthew's not fully out and he isn't villianised --like Thomas, because the decisions he makes to keep his sexuality hidden don't impact anyone negatively.

I'll even go as far as saying that not even the narrative villianises characters like Kamala and Charles. If it were, they'd be seen more like Grace in Chain of Gold. We'd see how Kamala's actions are affecting Anna's in more ways than anger (that in itself put the fandom against Anna), and the characters would note so. We wouldn't see scenes were Cordelia empathised with Charles, nor Matthew said he loved him.

Be it as it may, Kamala and Charles represent ugly parts of being closeted that can naturally occur when someone is in their position. LGBT people are human. Humans, when put into very difficult situations (and Charles risks his career; Kamala her safety), can make decisions that harm those around them. Consequently, the people they're harming have a right to feel, well, harmed in whatever range of ways --this goes mostly for Alastair, and very partly for Anna, whose treatment of Kamala was horrible.

Readers need to understand what is pushing these 'villianised' characters to harm (again, mostly for Alastair) the more prominent characters and go beyond how they are instantly depicted. Because these are complex characters based on complex real people influenced by very ugly realities we will move on from someday, but sadly not yet.

By the way, Charles and Kamala's situations aren't that similar beyond the closeted thing, but I crammed them together because of a post I saw you reblog.

Please understand I'm not justifying Charles's actions; that I understand the pain he's put Alastair through, and know that he shouldn't ever be near Alastair. Nor am I trying to justify Anna's actions nor hate on Kamala.

I'll just finish my pointless rant by adding that I do think cc has sensitivity readers. I think she asked a gay man to go through tec (I don't know if he still revised her other books, though), and know she asked POC's input when writing someone for their culture. I don't know much beyond that, but I doubt who revises her stuff is up to her. Wouldn't that be something the publisher is responsible for (honest question)?

*I've also noticed people using the argument that they didn't know each other long enough for Anna to harbour such ugly emotions towards Kamala, but Kamala also remembered Anna pretty deeply and is 'in love' with her. I just wanted to say that considering cc writes (fantastical) romance where someone can ask a woman they met two months ago marriage, stressing over time spaces doesn't make much sense. Just my take.

hi!!

alright, where do I start? probably would be best with stating that while I can analyse Kamala's situation with what I know/see/read about racism and discrimination and reasonably apply things I've read/heard from PoC to the discussion, as well as try to be as sensitive about it as possible, I'm still a white woman, so not a person that's best qualified to talk about this.

that being said - if someone wants to add something to this conversation, you're obviously more than welcome to, and if there's something in my answer that you don't agree with or find in some way insensitive or offensive - please don't hesitate to call me out on that.

back to your points though: (this turned into a whole ass essay, so under the cut)

I don't think Anna shouldn't be able to reminiscent on Kamala's behaviour/reaction to her coming out, or be hurt by it. what bothers me is the way CC talks about it - I can't remember the exact phrasing, but the post where she mentioned this suggested something along the lines of "you'll see how Kamala sided with the Clave and didn't defend Anna after her coming out", therefore putting the blame on Kamala and completely disregarding the fact that Kamala wasn't in position to do much at all. It suggest that their situation was "poor Anna being mistreated by Kamala". therefore I'm afraid Kamanna's main problem/conflict will remain to be portrayed as "Anna having to allow themselves to love again and forgive Kamala", while Anna's shortcomings - and Kamala's vulnerable position - are never discussed. I think it would be possible to acknowledge both Kamala's difficult situation and the possible hurt her behaviour caused Anna without being insensitive towards Kamala's character, but it would take a really skilled - and caring - author to do both of the perspectives justice. CC would have to find a balance between being aware of the racism/prejudice Kamala faced/ writing her with lots of awareness and empathy, and still allowing her to make mistakes and acknowledging them. As it is however, I'm under impression that she's just treating it as a plot device, a relationship drama.

I'd say no one expects characters of color to be written as flawless or never making mistakes, it's mostly the way these mistakes are written and what things these characters are judged/shamed/

And that's - at least in my understanding and opinion - where the problem is. it's that the narrative never even addresses Anna's faults, and portrays Kamala as the one that caused all - or most of - the pain, without ever even acknowledging her problems and background.

White characters in TLH make mistakes and fuck up - because they're human and they're absolutely allowed to - but the thing is, non-white characters aren't afforded that privilege. Anna's behaviour is never questioned - none of it, shaming Kamala for not being able to come out, dismissing her desire to be a mother, or any of the questionable things she did in ChoI. Same with Matthew, James, Thomas. Alastair and Kamala however? they're constantly viewed through their past mistakes, and forced to apologize for them over and over, forced to almost beg for forgiveness. Moreover, those past mistakes are used as a justification of all and any shitty behaviour the other characters exhibit towards them now, which is simply unfair and cruel. They're held to a much higher standard.

So I'd like to say that yes, Kamala was in the wrong to keep nagging Anna after numerous rejections, and she was in the wrong to not inform Anna about Charles prior to them having sex - but that doesn't give Anna a free pass to constantly mistreat Kamala. And let's be real, Anna isn't stupid - while at 17 she could be naive and uninformed, I can't imagine how after years of hanging out with the Downworlders and numerous affairs and being out and judged by the Clave she's still so ignorant about Kamala's situation. I definitely think she's allowed to be hurt, but to still not understand why Kamala did what she did? Anna isn't blaming her for not telling her about Charles earlier - which would be fair - but instead for refusing to engage in an outright romance with her. She's being ignorant - and consciously so, I think.

Overall, I think you're definitely right about how coming out - or staying closeted - can be messy and hurt people in the process, especially in unaccepting environments/time periods, and I've seen enough discourse online to know there will never be a verdict/stance on this that will satisfy everyone. I, for one, would really like to refrain from putting all the blame on a single person - but, at least the way I see it, CC is pointing fingers. maybe not directly, but she is. Kamala, Alastair and Charles have no friends or support systems, and the only people in the narrative that defend them are themselves (ok, Cordelia does defend Alastair from Charles, but not from shitty takes about him and his "sins"). Also, sorry, but I don't like how you say "hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna experienced homophobic comments" - it sounds very much judgemental. Kamala had every right to do that? The fact that she slept with Anna doesn't means she owed her something, and certainly not coming out and most probably destroying her life, or even defending her at the - again - expense of her own reputation, or more possibly safety.

As for Charles - it's a different issue here, at least imo - I fear that it'll be implied that his refusing to come out will is his main "sin", and therefore not something he can be judged for, which ironically, will be villainizing, but mostly will mean his actual sins are dismissed. This is where the scene with Cordelia feeling a pang of sympathy for him comes into play, and it worries me. I've never hated Charles for not wanting to come out, but rather for, let's see - grooming Alastair, disregarding Alastair's needs and feelings, disrespecting his mother, being a sexist prick, being low-key far-right coded "make Shadowhunters great again" etc.

As for sensitivity readers - I'm no expert, so I don't think my input is worth much. From what I've gathered from multiple threads/discussions on twitter, tho it is probably consulted/approved by the publisher, many authors push for that - and authors less famous and "powerful" than her. I'm not a hater, but seeing fandoms' opinions on much of her rep, I think she could do better. Because if she does have sensitivity readers, then they don't seem to be doing a great job - maybe they're friends who don't wanna hurt her feelings? Or maybe she thinks a gay guy's feedback will be enough for any queer content - which, judging by the opinions I've seen from the fans, doesn't seem to be true.

Again, these are mostly my thoughts and I'm more than open to reading other opinions, because *sigh* I really don't know how to handle this.

Bottom line - I really really don't want to be hating on the characters in general, playing God in regards to judging the struggles of minorities, or even criticising the characters too harshly for being human, flawed etc. What my main issue is is how CC handles those complex and heavy topics.

I hope I make sense and this answer satisfies you somehow - I also hope someone better equipped to answer might wanna join this conversation.

* I desperately need a reread of TLH before I engage in any more conversations like this, but I didn't wanna leave you hanging. So yeah, I might be remembering things wrong. Again, let me know, I'm very much open to being corrected as well as to further discussion.

* I use she/her pronouns for Anna because that's what she uses in canon

[mlmxreader]

Hiding | Donny Donowitz x m!reader

Anonymous asked: "We'd never be allowed to be open about us" With Donny Donowitz please ( and male)

Thanks

summary: you and Donny are hiding your relationship, and as time goes on, it gets worse.

tws: swearing

Donny huffed as he watched you try and cosy up to Hugo, the Basterd you were closest to after him, as although he could not bring himself to be jealous, he didn't particularly like the fact that you had stolen his spot at the campfire after he had gone to grab more wood; he set the small logs down by the fire, then sat beside you as he growled softly.

"You stealin' my fuckin' place now?"

You shrugged, flashing him a smile that made his knees go weak as blush coated his features. "Can you blame me? Besides, you weren't using it."

Donny smiled back, running a hand through his hair as he tried to dull the urge to say something he might regret; he knew that you being his boyfriend wasn't something Aldo would take lightly to - only because he might think it was a distraction for the Ensign to be dating a Sergeant.

You came from the Navy before joining the Basterds, and Donny loved to hear you talk about the boats that you worked on; he loved it when you taught him how to tie various knots, your hands ghosting over his the same way that his would when he coached you on how to use his bat... only he had the added excuse to press his hips against your backside. It made you laugh when you looked back at him with a playful glare.

But Aldo would never allow a relationship between the two of you, it would be a distraction, it would add extra issues that really were not needed; he would never allow such a thing. After the war, he would never bat an eye.

Donny licked his lips as he looked down at yours for a moment, and then shook his head. "Wanna come get more wood with me? I don't think I got enough."

"Alright," you shrugged, getting up and dusting yourself off.

It wasn't far into the little wander when Donny suddenly grabbed your arms, and slammed his back against a tree as he grinned, a certain hunger in his eyes that made you bite the inside of your cheek.

"Sergeant Donowitz, what are you doing?"

"Something I can't do at camp, Ensign (y/l/n)," he whispered, guiding your hands to his shirt collar. He was surprised when you slammed your palms against the tree either side of his head, your knee between his legs as you moved forward. His eyes lit up with excitement. "C'mon, fuckin' kiss me."

You hung your head, moving forward just enough to press it to the side of his neck as you sighed heavily, your breath warm on his skin as you closed your eyes and grumbled. "I can't... it's too risky."

Donny's hand went between your shoulder blades as he frowned. "Hey, hey, it's okay. We don't gotta do anythin', y'know that."

You tutted softly. "It's not that, it's that... we'd never be allowed to be open about us. Aldo would fucking chew our brains out."

"Oh," he said quietly. "It's that?"

"It's not gonna be anything else," you pointed out. "I mean, fuck, you saw how he chewed Hugo out for so much as talking about a possible relationship."

Donny nodded slowly. "I know it don't matter, but you know I've always got your fuckin' back, and maybe... maybe if we told Aldo he wouldn't be so much of an ass about it. Maybe it'd all be dandy."

"Maybe," you sniffled. "I dunno, I just... fuck, I can't kiss you when I know somebody could come looking and see us. It's not like the boats, we had... we had space there, y'know?"

"I know," was all he could say. "I know."

Maybe things would be different if you told Aldo that you were Donny's boyfriend, maybe things would work out just fine and dandy and nothing would go wrong and you wouldn't get an earful; but even still, your stomach churned at the thought, and although you did not want to push Donny away, you did not want to drag him through any shit either.

[bondsmagii]

On that topic about cults and the need to belong, I do think you're onto something there. I usually don't even want to go out to hang out with my friends and would rather stay home on my own, and the idea of having organized meetings with a bunch of random people is just... not appealing at all.

Add to that my refusal to give money to almost anything and you have a perfect recipe for me never going anywhere near a cult. I really don't think it has to do with me being smarter (in fact I would say I'm too cynical and that is a double-edged sword sometimes!) just that if you're a cult, who are you gonna try to recruit? The people who are predisposed to listen to you due to their personal history and circumstances, or the ones who are very clearly averse to all that you offer?

Point is every time I've been approached by these types they end up leaving me alone because I just don't want to interact. I will block you if you annoy me enough. Even if what you say sounds interesting, if you try to even slightly pressure me, I will leave the conversation, no questions asked.

Anyway: cults. They don’t like hermits.

exactly lmao. I do see a fair few people online getting kind of smug because they didn't "fall" for a cult or something (usually in spaces dedicated to bitching about MLMs) but really it seems to me to be entirely about personality traits rather than any inherent intelligence just allowing you to see through the bullshit easier. I think a lot of people kind of forget that recruiters know exactly what they're looking for, so if they come across somebody who's antisocial and who doesn't part easily with cash, why are they going to waste their time? I've been lucky enough to only run across a few major cult or cult-like groups in my time, and the first few times (when I was younger) it was my lack of need for a community that allowed me to avoid getting sucked in, and when I was a little older and it was more about potential MLMs, the thing that saved me was simply me being like "nah, I am not interested in a 'fast-paced family environment' that I have to pay to attend the training sessions of" lmao.

related cult-adjacent story: I remember when I was about 14, my parents and I went to Florida to do the whole theme park thing, and we were offered free tickets to Disney if we agreed to spend a morning at a timeshare seminar. my parents were like "oh man this will be bullshit" but decided to go anyway because free tickets, and oh my god. it was insane. we were shown around these condos on a lake and they were admittedly pretty nice, and at first it looked like a really good deal, but then of course it's revealed you'll only "own" it for a couple of weeks a year, and there are all these terms and conditions and hidden costs, and my parents were like yikes. after the tour the group of us (there were about 50 people being shown around) were all brought into this huge room and sat at individual tables, and then the salesmen came out in force. for over an hour we had to sit there with this woman who would just not take no for an answer. finally, when she realised that our answer was not changing, she called her supervisor or whoever he was over. this guy was obviously the Pressure Guy, and he carried around with him a little microphone. every time he got even the most vague 'yes' from people, he would announce it to the whole room on the mic, all faux-celebratory as people came out of nowhere with paperwork and the new "owners" had to sign it then and there. my parents had noticed this and as soon as the guy sat down my dad was like "listen, we're not buying this, we'd like our tickets and to leave" and just as the guy launched into a spiel this absolutely massive cockroach crawled across the floor in front of us lmao. like this guy could have ridden the amusement park rides on his own. my mam started kicking off about it being unsanitary and she made such a fuss that we were marched over to the desk, given our tickets, and kicked out. the complex was so huge that we had to hitch a ride on a dude's golf cart because we were so far from the car and it was like 1pm in Florida and we had no water. dude on the golf cart said he actually hung out by that door because they always did that shit to people who refused to sign up, and he made good tips saving people from heat stroke.

a running joke for a few days was that the supervisor dude was so pissed off with our salesperson that he would murder her and chuck her in the lake, and then we saw on the news that a body had washed up from that very same lake, right on the timeshare grounds. probably was not her (we left shortly afterwards so never saw the identification) but if it was, yikes, and if it was not, very glad we did not get a property where bodies frequently wash up lol. Disney also kind of sucked ngl. was not worth the price of four hours in timeshare hell. don't do it kids.

[lololova]

Less is more - 47 seconds

As the title suggests, this little shot takes place in 4x19 47 seconds. Enjoy and thank you so much for being so patient with me and my breaks. Also, Happy Midsummer y'all!

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"So I guess it's just us," Kate says as she turns to her partner, expecting the fact to excite him. To her surprise he doesn't look the slightest affected by them being alone.

"Yeah," he says indifferently and she swallows quickly. "You know, now that the case is done… What did you want to talk about?" she asks carefully, not sure if she's hoping for him to respond or not.

For a couple of seconds it's completely quiet and she observes him as he seems to be thinking hard before answering. "Nothing," he eventually says. "Nothing important anyway." It sounds like he's angry with something. "I'm gonna head home. Night," he says it so quickly she barely registers what he's saying until she's given an automatic response.

"Good ni-ight!" It's dragged out and it's not until she's glancing at the elevator that she regrets letting him go without them talking. It sure as hell looked important only hours ago.

Not caring about getting her things she takes quick steps to squeeze herself into the elevator before the doors can shut.

"Beckett, what are you doing?" Castle says, surprise evident in his voice as he looks at her with wide eyes.

"It's not nothing," she says and he looks genuinely confused. She takes a deep breath before she opens her mouth again. "You were going to say something and it sounded important, it wasn't nothing."

His face changes the second he understands what she's talking about. He's… angry. Why is he angry? She watches as he's pulling slightly away from her, creating space between them, she looks down only to see his hands turn into fists right before he hides them in his jacket's pockets.

"Really?" His voice is skeptical and she tilts her head with a wondering look. "It's been a tough case, that's all."

She looks at him, squints her eyes at him, and then makes a decision. "I don't believe you. There's something else. Something you're not telling me, something that happened during the case."

"You lied," he exclaims with frustration in his whole demeanor. "You... lied," he says a bit more quietly and she's confused.

"About wh-at?" she halfly stutters as she tries to understand what the hell he's talking about.

"Your amnesia, you lied to me. You said you didn't remember anything, however to that thief you said you remember everything," he says and she feels her face drain of all color.

He knows. "I-" she starts to say but isn't sure how to continue. Just before she can say anything else the ding from the elevator indicates they're at their intended stop.

"Just forget it," Castle says, walking out the second the doors open enough for him to squeeze through.

She stutters out a shouting wait before she's taking off after him. When she catches up to him they're already outside the building and since he's not stopping she grabs his arm and pulls him into the alley right beside the precinct to get him alone. She's starting to get frustrated about this whole thing, isn't he going to let her explain?!

"What are you doing?" he questions with wide, confused eyes.

"I didn't lie to hurt you," she says with a determined voice. "I lied because…" she stops.

She's quiet for a few seconds, eyes looking everywhere but at him. He's quiet too, for a while. "Because what?" he challenges and she takes a deep breath.

"Because I couldn't deal with it," she reveals, her voice shaking as she tries to voice her thoughts. "I knew we'd… I knew you'd be it, Rick. My one and done, and I wasn't ready."

He's quiet, his eyes searching hers which are still avoiding him, afraid of what he'll think. "W-Are you? N-now?"

She finally looks up at him and sees his eyes flicker from eye to eye searching for the truth. Her eyes start to sting. "I-I don't know. I want to be, I don't want to feel this… I don't want to lose you." She takes a deep and shaky breath. "I don't think I can."

She turns quiet, letting the silence fill the air as she shyly observes him from under her lashes. She would much rather be at home, or at work, being busy with something than be here right now. She wishes she hadn't been the one interviewing that guy, wishing he hadn't been there to hear her angrily admit to remembering everything.

"So, what do we do now?" Castle asks and she bites her lip, shrugging her shoulders.

"I dunno," she says low. "We can't go on like nothing, can we?"

He shakes his head and she sighs with the insecurity she's feeling. "Now I know I have a shot, once you're ready, of course," he adds and she looks up to see his lips pull upwards in a reassuring smile.

She can't stop the nervous giggle from escaping her mouth. His hand reaches for hers and she feels tingles run through her veins the second their skin touches. Maybe she can be ready sooner than she thinks, maybe she already is.

"So, how about that drink?" she asks and his smile brightens.

"Let's go."

He pulls her with her as he walks out of the alley and she follows as they set their feet towards the Old Haunt. She lets go of his hand in order to hook it in his arm instead, cuddling her body closer to his as they walk. Without warning she feels his lips in her hair, laying a gentle kiss there, and she smiles. Yeah, maybe she is ready.

The end

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Twelve)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Eleven ※※※※※ Chapter Thirteen

I approach my boyfriend seeing him completely tense. The long, callused fingers from the guitar strings tightening in distress. His eyes didn't know where to look, staring into the spotlight like they were monsters from his childhood.

The thick brown coat was a few sizes too big for him, but he's still beautiful all the same. On the eyelids, a black eye shadow ending with a pink tip gave it a charm. The lip balm seemed to bring out the color of his lips, making me restless to kiss him.

“I don't know if it was a good idea.” Luke, let out all the air as I wrap my arms around his neck.

“It was a great idea! You look awesome.” I bite my lip, controlling the urge to take him into a room and do various indecent things. “Just relax and enjoy. As in a play.” I advise him, trying to calm him down."

Ever since the invitation for him to be the face of this perfume had arrived, I was bursting with pride and anticipation to see him doing his photo shoot, following something completely different from the band.

"Don't you think it's too exaggerated?" he asks, unsure of the look. I hold his face in my hands, touching our foreheads. I allow myself to drown in his blue eyes.

“You look handsome.” I say slowly, so he can record my words well. “Now, let's get this quick, because seeing you like this is making me very excited and I don't know how long I can take it.” I sigh, uneasy. Hemmo gives a nice laugh. Glad to see him more relaxed.

Watch out when the photographer yells for them to start. I give my boyfriend a little kiss, ready to pull away, but Luke holds me in his arms still.

“I love you!” he whispers, like a secret.

“I love you!” I give him a little kiss on the tip of his nose. "Anything just scream, I'll be right there." I blink at him.

I take a few steps back, not taking my eyes off his. So as not to bump into anything and make a mess of his work, I turn around, running behind the spotlights and flashbulbs.

I watched the photo shoot totally proud and delighted. Little by little Luke was loosening up and having fun. I don't wipe the smile off my lips, so every time he looks at me, he smiles more.

Nearly three hours later, my excitement was already making me irritated that photo shoot wasn't over and I feel like I lost all control when in the last costume, where Luke rips the white blouse. I hold my breath, staring at the ceiling, wondering how I'm going to make it home and calculating which is closest.

~.~.~.~.~

We left the elevator hand in hand and in hurried steps, we weren't running, but whoever passed us realized we were in a hurry. I squeeze his hand seeing the door with the number 609.

"Thank God." I comment euphoric as Luke opens the door.

He walks in and pulls me to his chest. His hand tangles in the hairs on the back of my neck, enveloping us in a desperate kiss. Urgently, I open the buttons on his shirt, feeling his other hand find my ass, squeezing hard.

I force the fabric to slide down his arms, enjoying the texture of his warm skin. The tequila flavor still inhabits our mouths, which makes the kiss better, plus the soft touch of his lips pressed against mine.

I roll my eyes as his beard scrapes my neck, along with his hot mouth, giving me goose bumps.

“The door.” I say with difficulty, noticing it ajar.

Together, we staggered back a few steps, closing it. Without much patience and with a lot of desire, we ended up staying there. Hemmings presses me against the wood, pulling me into his lap. I scratch the back of his neck when I feel his erection against me, releasing the electricity that seems to rush through my body.

It was amazing how seeing him on stage, with those tight pants and silk shirts moving me. Honestly, he can wear anything, and at the end of the day I'll be falling for him. Not to mention the eyes full of glitter. He had me in the palm of his hands like that. So beautiful. So magnificent.

Luke always knew this look messed with my hormones and destroyed my self-control, and in the end it always ended up like that, having sex, because I couldn't help myself.

Of course, the drink has a big weight in this, but I'm not going to take our blame for this story, after all, we teased each other from the moment we stepped into that dressing room.

The desperation and excitement is such that we reach our first orgasm right there, against the door. No foreplay, no undressing completely, and not caring if anyone passing in the hallway heard anything.

It was something far above lust or desire. Despair to feel our skins against each other. Taste and touch. That feeling of feeling incredible, loved, wanted, as if the only chance to stay alive was there inside of us.

I wake up in a jump. My heart pounded, causing pain. My body seemed to boil, prompting me to kick the covers off quickly. The fresh memory of the dream causes shivers. The way I felt his touch, all those sensations and reactions my body gave.

I lie down on the bed again, wanting to calm down and not think too much about the dream, or what else seemed like, memories. I don't know how to handle it, these are the first sexual memories I have with him. My God, how am I going to look at Luke now?

I pick up my phone, which poin just over an hour earlier than I planned to wake up. Since I know I won't be able to get back to sleep anymore, so I start getting ready for today's meeting.

I decide to have breakfast first and once again review my past contract to get a sense of what will be discussed. Between one paragraph and another, I browse my social networks seeing what's going on.

Without being impressed anymore, I watch a little video or two that some fans make about Hemmo and me. Slightly, I melt at the way we look and smile at each other.

I go back to my room, and head for a shower. I hope that water takes those memories from earlier today down the drain, but the steam seems to open more fields in my brain.

I close my eyes, feeling various parts of my body tingle, as if he's there, touching me, holding me. My breath heaves and my belly tightens. What the fuck is going on?

Cheating on me yet again, my brain presents me with the two of us on the floor of that hotel room. In my kitchen. In the car. In some bathroom. Some of the countless times we'd lost ourselves in each other's arms.

The many times I ran my hands over his chest, drawing a new path, as I thought in that hospital hall. The times his mouth wandered over my body, his hands took me with such force and conviction.

The phone ringtone brings me back to reality. I turn off the alarm and hurry my shower. With Noah's guidance, I change into something comfortable and a bucket hat Calum gave me to hide my pink hair.

After a few hours, I find myself analyzing a huge photo of myself at the Hastings agency reception. With Noah, I follow a huge hallway to a conference room, where Mr. Hastings and a lawyer would be waiting for us. The twin next to me has a hard face, which is weird since Noah is always so excited and smiling.

“Marnie, dear! Long time no see! How have you been? Did you receive my basket?” Mr. Hastings question me without waiting for me to walk right into the room.

“Hi! I'm great and yes, I loved the basket, it was very kind.” I squeeze his hand, not knowing quite what to do.

“Hello son!” it's not exactly a warm welcome, but I want to believe it's just because we're in a work environment, dealing with serious matters.

“Hi Dad. Can we start?” my friend guides me to a chair.

During the meeting, Mr. Hastings clarified some news of the new contract. Things like: salary increase, partnership with new brands and the whole process of publicizing the names that already worked with us.

“Closing here, you will go to the closet to take new measurements. These numbers will be sent to the brands that hired you and they will send you clothes for you to use on a daily basis. For example: if you go out with Leah for coffee, you must wear a Louis Vuitton coat, so the photos you take will publicize the coat and well, nowadays young people find everything and want everything you wear. You will get a scale of which brands to use, so it's easier for you.” Mr. Hastings explains by summarizing a contract sheet.

As for photo shoots, until my arm gets better and I can get rid of the cast, I'll be limited to rehearsals on jewelry, makeup, glasses and shoes. On my hair, if the contracting brand determines, I will have to wear a wig.

I keep mentally reading every line of that contract, wondering if I could handle it all. Well, you’ve handle it for the past two years, it shouldn't be that hard.

As determined, after the meeting, Noah walks me to the closet. A huge space where had several clothes and accessories, as in The Devil Wears Prada. My measurements are taken and I get annoyed when the guy who's putting the measuring tape around my waist grumbles that I've put on weight.

The bad thing about being a model is it, this constant imposition of a perfect body. Since the accident, I don't remember seeing anyone on Leah's foot for her to lose weight or keep her body. I always watched her nervous appetite, not caring if it would add to her number on the scale.

Okay that Leah's biotype was skinny and maybe that made things easier for her. But since I understand myself by people, I've always been short and broad hiped and never cared. And even if I erased a few years, I don't think I've changed much.

From the reflection in the mirror, Noah sinalized for me not to care what the guy says, but I think it's kind of difficult. It's not just him talking about my body, it seems like everyone on the internet has an opinion about my weight, especially some Luke fans.

Blocking in my mind, the offensive words that I always end up reading through social media. However, I keep watching my body in the mirror, wondering if it wouldn't be better to lose some weight.

Soon after having my measurements taken, Noah is called to a meeting with his father and a french businessman, leaving me alone. As I wait for the car to arrive, I consider what I can do on my last day off. Everyone is working and I don't want to disturb anyone.

Finally, I decide to go to my mom's office and have lunch with her. I go down at the door of a huge, mirrored building. At the front desk, I ask about her office, getting a badge before I go upstairs.

The frosted glass door holds a huge space, which occupies one/quarter of the eighth floor. The various prints, fabrics, furniture and color palettes create a fun atmosphere, contrasting with the white walls of the place.

"Marnie! Hey!” a woman with curly hair, tied up in a purple turban, approaches with a huge smile.

“Hi.” I reply politely, but having no idea who she is.

“Oh, sorry.” she seems to notice. “I'm Dominique, your mother's partner.” I open a bigger smile, now informed. "Have you come to see her?" she guides me in the office inside.

“Oh yes, I came to have lunch with her.” Dominique smiles broadly and sympathetically.

"She's going to love the surprise. She's just finishing up with a customer. Want something while you wait?”

“Oh no, thanks!”

Dominique walks away, making it clear that anything was just asking, that I was home. I'm amazed at how things evolved for my mom, before she just had a small room away from the center and now she had all this space and staff.

I watch several people go from one place to another, making projects, budgeting, designing furniture and spaces. My mother's laugh brings me back just in time to see her in her office doorway, rosy cheeks, awkwardly in Mr. Marshall's company.

I open a smile finding the scene adorable. I look for Dominique, hoping she hasn't shut up in her office yet, as she might know something about the two of them. I find the brunette, leaning against the reception desk smiling like me.

"Marnie?" I turn quickly, finding Mr. Marshall next to me. “How have you been?” I hug him while my mother stands wide-eyed in the door.

He hadn't changed much. The face that was once smooth now had a very charming gray beard. The hair was still dark.

“I'm great, thanks. It's great to see you.” I keep my smile, finding it all wonderful, unlike my mother.

“I'm sorry about the accident. I would have send you something, but I didn't have your address and it was a little difficult to reach your mother.” he admits sympathetically. Have I told how much I like him?

“No problems. I’m grateful for your consideration and about you have found my mother again. Isn’t, mom?” her gaze at me turns withering. I'm screwed.

“Well, I'm also very happy to have found Debra again.”

I hold the 'awn' who insists on wanting to leave, when he smiles delightedly at my mother. Man, he's so into her.

“Hm, sorry to be rude, but taking advantage of our meeting, I want to invite you to a new restaurant location opening. It will be this Wednesday.”

“Oh, I'm honored. It will be a pleasure. Right, mom?” I watch my mother want to sink into the ground and disappear, and I can't help think how funny is it. "Do you mind if I invite my friends?"

“No! Of course not! Feel free.” he opens a gentle smile. His gaze flies to my mother and there they stare at each other for a few seconds. “Well, I have to go. Debra, thank you so much for the project, it's beautiful. Marnie, it was a pleasure to see you. Until Wednesday.” he hugs me again. With my mother, I notice them without knowing how to say goodbye.

I wait for Mr. Marshall to leave the office to let out the sigh caught in my throat, which my mother doesn't like.

“Stop this!” she slaps me on my back. I walk into her room laughing at the whole past situation.

“My God, you guys are so in love. Why don't you just assume it?” I ask, sitting in the chair across from her desk.

"Because there isn’t nothing to assume. It's a professional relationship.” she replies angrily, setting the table.

“Mom?” I call her, until she looks at me. I raise an eyebrow, emphasizing that I don't believe her.

Her shoulders slump, letting go of the tension. I watch her hide her face in hands after a sigh. Her eyes catch mine and a nasal laugh breaks the silence, then I see her there, shy and unsure, a small smile, which soon opens, reflecting all over her face.

"I don’t have age for this anymore. I mean…” she takes a bunch of flowers from behind the table. “Look at this.”

"Awn." I cover my face, not taking it. “Of course you have agr for this. If my father can find someone and be happy, then of course you can too. Mom, you're young and beautiful, and there's an amazing guy who's into you. He's clearly in love and apparently he's been doing everything he can to demonstrate, you should give him and… you a chance.” I finish in a whisper, touching myself that those words were good for me too.

I replay in my mind everything Luke has been doing, trying to win me back, and I'm glad that, somehow, I giving both of us a chance, even if it's a non date. I let out a laugh at the memory of the invitation, before letting my mind drift back to this morning's memories.

“I think you're right. Maybe on Wednesday, I can talk to him.” her red cheeks make me smile more.

“It's a great idea. How about we discuss this over lunch?” I suggest, listening to my belly come alive.

“Great idea.” she picks up the phone, dialing something.

Since I had nothing to do, I stay until early afternoon with my mother, gossiping about her crush on Mr. Marshall, about my relationship with Luke, about the meeting and our Wednesday night outfit.

Dominique joins us in a few moments, having fun with my passionate and nervous mom.

Around 3pm, Ashton calls, inviting me out for coffee, just him and me, like old times.

“Why can't I go? Do you not love me anymore?” I cover my mouth, stopping the laughter from coming out, when I hear Calum yell..

“Yeah! I can't take you anymore. How am I going to talk bad about you if you're there?” Ash replies.

"You are talking here. What does it matter to talk there? At least that way you buy me coffee.” Calum rebuts. While the couple argue, I listen to the fight, paying attention to the details of the ceiling.

"Are you still arguing? What the fuck is just coffee? Who is so important for all this? The pope?” I hear Luke arrive and realize he doesn't know I'm the guest.

“It's actually Marnie and from my experiences she's very important to some of the people here.” I don't need to see Ash's face to know he's making fun of Luke.

"Can I go?" I bite my lip, holding back the laugh.

“If you let him go and I don't, I'll never look you in the face again.” Calum gives the ultimatum.

“I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm still here and would like the DTR resolved if possible.” I say out loud, hoping it works.

“Sorry, Marnie. Five seconds.” Irwin asks. I think about making a joke with the band's name, but it's better to leave it alone.

"Is she listening?" Luke speaks in amazement. “Why do you…” then everything becomes too muffled and I can't hear.

“Enough! Nobody goes but me. I want to go out with my friend and I will. Marnie was right, I shouldn't have introduced you.” I hear Ash mumble, causing me to laugh. “Give me your address, I'll be there in a few minutes.”

We ended the call and I return to questioning my friendships. Why God? Why?

Sitting at a small table on the sidewalk, Ash and I discuss which coffee to drink. It wasn't very difficult to know that he loves coffee and understands a lot about the subject, which gives me complete confidence in letting him choose which one I should try.

When the cup reaches the table, I taste the drink under his hopeful, curious gaze. I open a smile, approving of my best friend's choice. I hi-five him, celebrating.

"It was the coffee you had the first time we went out together." he comments with a cute smile.

“Awn, Ash!” I can't stand the way they always remember everything. "So, ready to officially become older tomorrow?" I crack a smile, excited about our dinner tomorrow.

“No! I found a white hair this morning.” he grumbles, eliciting a laugh from me.

“I don’t see anything.” I comment, trying to cheer him up.

"I wasn’t talking about my top hair." he comments, drinking his coffee next.

"Ashton!" I reprimand him, covering my eyes, traumatized. “I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about it.”

I hear his laugh, letting me laugh too. The problem with having intimacy is exactly that, your friends no longer filter out what to say to you.

“So why didn't you bring Cool Guy Cal?” I change the subject.

“Because I spend the whole day with them, I can't stand to look at those disgusting faces anymore.” I laugh, imagining what a mess that studio must be. "And how am I going to speak ill of him with him here?" I complete this last part with him, laughing. “Exactly.”

“And you have something bad to say?” Ash shakes his head.

“No! Cal is an amazing guy.” Boys… “But I wanted to spend time with my best friend. After the accident it was difficult to have time alone. How are you?” I shrug.

"Surviving. It's only been a month and it seems like, I don't know, six. There's still so much I'm discovering.” I look at my coffee thoughtfully as I twirl the spoon in it.

"Finding out what? Your feelings for Luke?” he mocks. I scold him softly, laughing. This is a sensitive subject. "So how was the kiss?" I spit half the hot drink back into the cup.

I look at my friend in full alert. I can't believe Luke told him. We had agreed to wait a while. Irwin kept his smile curious, waiting for my answer.

“I’m sorry…?” he raised his eyebrows and then it hit me. He played and I delivered. "Ashton!" I kick your shin.

“Ouch! You who kiss and I who get beaten?” he rubs his shin, confused.

“How did you find out?” My God, does everyone know already? "Have you told anyone?"

“No! I didn't say anything and I didn't even try it with Luke. But how do you think I wouldn't notice? I've known him for years. He comes down Sunday morning, all smiling, all silly, more than usual. Super in a good mood after a party like that. Hemmings never wakes up in a good mood.”

I take a sip of my coffee, wanting to hide my smile.

“And about you?! You're my best friend! It's easy to see what's going on. Even more after what I already followed the first time. So?” the australian asks curiously, causing me to laugh.

"It was just a kiss. I don't know, it was automatic, and I ended up giving him a little kiss, and he took advantage of the break and kissed me. And I left.” my cheeks heat up as I hold in the sassy smile.

“And what does that mean?” he drops into his chair. I shrug.

“I do not know. I like Luke's company. I really like! He makes me feel safe and so unique. He's fun and so silly.”

"That he is!" Ash comments in a whisper, making me laugh.

“And I like it all, but…” the words don't come out anymore.

“You are afraid.” he completes.

"What if he gets to know me better and he doesn't like this Marnie?" I dry swallow. Ashton grimaces thoughtfully, considering my question.

“Nah!” he shakes his head, dismissing the possibility. “Luke loves you, Marnie. And you know this.” He points a finger at me. I look down, embarrassed. “The only thing left is for you to understand and accept how you feel about him. Of course, in your time, no pressure.” he adds quickly.

My heart speeds up with the direction of the conversation. I organize in my mind all the events that happened between Luke and me. All your discreet and indiscreet advances. All his looks and smiles at me, his shy, goofy way.

On the other side, I put everything that we lived before the accident. Everything I saw and remembered. I stare at Ashton, slumped in his chair, waiting for my answer. I take a deep breath, nodding my head positively.

“I think I already know how I feel about him.”