#but from their side they are genuinely getting frustrated and annoyed at the frequency and just message itself and frankly you

[lilgynt]

if we are not established friends - and i mean we talk often or at length with clear enthusiasm from both sides. both of which had a normal relationship development rate YOU CANNOT SPAM MESSAGE ME OR VENT UR SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

[weakforarwen]

Merlin Week 2022 Day 5: Free - Gwen and The Women of Camelot

I wasn't going to write another Merlin Week post, and Merlin Week is technically over, but after seeing some of the hateful posts fans used to write about Gwen, I wanted to show my appreciation for her again.

Gwen was the reason I didn't drop Merlin. After season 1, I'd become incredibly frustrated with the lack of progress in Merlin and Arthur's relationship, and how it seemed to evolve backwards as the power imbalance between them grew on both sides - Merlin's lies and good-natured manipulations kept increasing in frequency, while the trust and equality of treatment Arthur had initially shown Merlin all but disappeared until he began actively abusing his power. The lack of a magic reveal was infuriating as well, since I had expected it to occur early on in the series; when I learned it happened in the last episode I almost called it quits... until I watched The Once and Future Queen and decided I still had a good reason to finish the show, which was Queen Guinevere (and Arwen).

I honestly hadn't been paying attention to the episode, or the series in general at that point, but when Arthur kissed Gwen I knew they were it. I hadn't expected Arthur to ever become more than an idyllic hero, until he impulsively kissed Gwen and was no longer exclusively defined by his destiny and duties to Camelot. And I was so surprised and happy with how stable and healthy their relationship proved to be: no annoying breakups for the most part (4.05 doesn't truly count and, tbh, 4.09 is no conventional breakup), and no dating other people only to reunite in the last episode.

Gwen and Arthur were given a chance to grow and mature and I love them so much for it. I loved their relationship in season 4, how they became a normal couple. For the first time ever, a ship I genuinely loved was allowed to mature and become 'boring' and married; most other ships that get to develop onscreen and never really break up aren't particularly exciting or fantastical (Leslie and Ben from Parks & Rec are an example of this, though I adore them). However, despite Gwen's banishment and the Lancelot ordeal of season 4, and the lack of Gwen and Arwen in season 5, we know those two knew, trusted and shared many of the same values as each other and were equally committed and devoted to one another. Having this kind of paring in a series - one that is exciting and fairytale-like while also being so wholesome, mature, and normal - is truly unique. I admire this a lot about the show; most "mature" and consistent ships are not the main pairing, so I have a lot of love for Arwen and for the example they are of a healthy and strong relationship.

I also never expected to love Gwen so much when I started Merlin. Of all the characters, she had the best and most satisfying arc. I love that she grew and blossomed before our eyes, but, at the same time, never changed and remained loyal, honest, strong, optimistic, gentle, kind, compassionate, humble to the last. I love that she was sweet and conventionally feminine when most great female characters are badass fighters with attitude problems. Many of them also end up quite bitter and morally ambiguous in the end, but not Gwen.

Gwen was so normal and wonderful in a way that was human and achievable. She was a role model; she felt real, warm, and comforting to me. In a show that full of men, Gwen's growth surpassed all of theirs and she alone was enough for me not to choke on all that testosterone. I also love that her relationship with Arthur was good for her. It's true that Arthur failed her when he banished her, and their relationship put her at risk many times, but she grew so much with and from Arthur. He undeniably loved, trusted and grew from her, and would do anything for her as well, and that made her feel safer and confident in herself. She was his love interest but he put her first and their relationship was surprisingly equal. Arthur wasn't jealous or possessive, they talked (in 3.06, Arthur and Gwen openly discussed his engagement to Elena, in 4.09 he told Gwen not to kneel before him and let her explain her actions, they talked many times about his decisions as Prince/King, etc.), he listened and followed her opinion a lot too and stood up to her (to Uther in 1.03, 2.03, 3.07, 3.10, 5.03; to Agravaine, in 4.09 at least, to Merlin in 4.06 when he wasn't himself), he arranged picnics and breakfast in bed for her, gave her flowers, helped her brother and her friends, etc. I hate Gwen's banishment as much as any sane person, but, other than that, Arthur truly respected Gwen. I also love that Gwen had love interests before Arthur; it made her character, and her and Arthur's relationship, even realer and more balanced.

Lastly, I really love that Gwen became Queen. I hate Arthur's death, but her becoming Queen regnant, especially because Arthur chose her and wanted her to be his successor (how feminist of him), made a huge statement imo. I certainly hadn't expected Gwen (keep in mind I knew nothing of the Arthurian legends) to end up the most powerful person in Camelot. Here you have a normal woman - significantly a woman of color at that - usher in the Golden Age instead of Arthur. That was really cool. Gwen alone made the show enjoyable to me as a feminist (despite everything...). And some of the best characters in the show were women who only appeared in a few episodes. Truth be told, the show had great diversity of well-written female characters, but the writers chose not to do anything with them.

We had Princess Elena, sweet, kind, adorable, a bit unladylike, one of my personal favorites; Queen Annis, one of the few older women in the series, wise, strong, fair, and an admirable Queen; Lady Vivian, bratty, innocent, charming, honestly the female version of Arthur if he hadn't had his duties and friendships to ground him; Freya, sweet, loyal, beautiful, strong and tragic, had loved Merlin; Hunith, strong, compassionate, inspiring, brave, a leader, always fought for what was right and raised Merlin so well on her own; Ygraine, gentle and loving, loved her son and told him not to let the truth of her death hurt him; Princess Mithian, dutiful to her father and to her Kingdom, assertive, kind, strong, brave; Grunhilda, evil, but also endearing, hilarious, and refreshingly sexually empowered; Sefa, sweet, gentle, good, had only wanted to please her father; Mary, brave Mary who alone made the dangerous journey to Camelot to seek help for her village; Morgause, not a minor character, but the best female fighter, strong enough to beat Arthur, resourceful, knowledgeable, intelligent, had truly loved her sister; Isolde, loyal, optimistic, brave, empathetic, believed in the power of love; Alice, not a favorite but seemed like a good person; Lady Catrina, one of the most disgusting yet genial villains, so kudos for deceiving and embarrassing the hell out of Uther; Nimueh, she was right in some aspects and very wrong in others, but she had a lot of potential; Morgana, not a minor character, of course, the only one who could match Merlin in power, not an entirely unsympathetic villain, had genuinely loved her sister, Aithusa, and even Mordred.

[masterjedilenawrites]

I’m not good at making requests, so forgive me if anything come out wrong.

But, could you do something were reader and Tech are fixing some eletronics and listening to cientific things, and start talking about a wrong thing people said there, so they get distracted and when realize, they’re in to a awkward position (like him btween her legs or sth like that)

I love your writing and thanks (: <3

Omg I've been so soft for Tech lately and this prompt is perfect 💚 I hope this is what you were looking for, I really enjoyed writing it!

Tech x reader | 2k words

...making bacta the most important scientific achievement in history...

"Dank farrik," Tech huffed beside you.

You came out of your daze at the sudden exclamation and looked at your friend with concern, trying to quickly figure out what had gone wrong. You were helping him with a project, though what it was exactly you weren't completely certain of. All you knew was it involved digging into the walls of the ship and untangling a lot of wires. You'd been instructed to hold onto several of them, keeping them pulled taught out of the wall so Tech could fiddle with the other ends, and the dullness of the task had caused your mind to wander.

"What's wrong?" you asked, doubtful you'd understand any explanation, but wanting to be sure you hadn't done anything to mess up his progress.

He waved a hand at you dismissively, not pulling his attention away from the work in front of him. "Just the radio," he mumbled.

You hadn't been paying attention; it had only been turned on as background noise to keep you from going insane with boredom. And since it was tuned into some kind of scientific news frequency, you didn't really understand much of what was being said anyway.

...with the most influential application simply being in the field of medicine, providing us higher life forms with a versatile tool in maintaining our quality of life, and potentially even prolonging it...

Tech huffed again. Scoffed. Your mouth quirked at how upset he was getting. It was kind of cute.

But, you had to debate whether engaging with his frustration would be worth it. He had only recently calmed down from his outburst earlier that day, the only time you had ever seen him genuinely upset. Wrecker had accidentally knocked over a piece of machinery that was... well, something very important, apparently. No one was too sure. But Tech had spent most of the week carefully arranging its parts just-so, so that when all his hard work went crashing onto the floor, his breathing had suddenly resembled that of a charging Nexu. He'd drawn himself up, trying to match his brother's height, and ordered the poor guy to never step foot in this part of the ship again. The other Batchers had tried to defend him and were subsequently banned as well.

That left you as the only option for help.

Maybe that meant he wouldn't kick you out for debating him....

"Sounds like they're saying some pretty reasonable things. Am I missing something?"

Tech's fingers, which had been deftly working through the wires before him, clipping some and splicing others, finally froze. The clone's face tilted over to you, his eyes looking a little too judgmental through those glasses for your liking.

"You think bacta is the most important scientific achievement?" he asked. You didn't like his tone, either.

You scrunched your mouth in thought, actually giving the question serious consideration. While you mulled it over, Tech stood up from his hunched position in the wall and started pulling on some of the wires, unraveling them from their tangled mess.

"Yeah," you finally decided. "I think medicine in general is pretty important. And bacta specifically is the strongest known substance to deliver fast and effective healing."

Tech was mostly focused on the wires, but he spared you a glance.

"And treating symptoms is the most important thing for humanity? Here, hold this." He added another wire for you to hold in your hands.

You knew it was a loaded question so you chose to answer it with one of your own. "Well if it's not bacta or medicine, then what would it be?"

"Electricity," he said quickly and assertively, as if it was the most obvious thing in the galaxy. He continued to focus more on his work and you were annoyed he didn't seem to want to offer up an explanation to his opinion, despite having made you give one. He'd finally untangled the wires and was back to leaning into the cavern in the wall and setting them into their proper places.

"Why electricity?" You hated how dumb your question sounded; obviously you understood the concept and understood its importance. You just really wanted to challenge him to give you some explanations.

"For one, most medicines would not be able to be mass-produced were it not for the electrically-run vats in which they are made." He held his hand out behind him and made a grabbing motion. "Blue, please."

You sorted out the blue wire and passed it over.

"For another," he continued, his voice sounding distant as he leaned further away into the wall, "we must ask what constitutes a quote-unquote important achievement. For example, is an achievement worthy of the title simply because it improves our quality of life? Green, please."

You handed over the corresponding wire. "I'd say it's more about preserving life. Even outside of war, there's enough injury and illness that would end life were it not for medicine to heal them."

"Ah, but in that same reasoning, electricity also sustains life. It powers sources of light and warmth, which can also provide a means of boiling water and cooking food. All keys to survival. Yellow, please."

"So does fire," you shot back. "People survived long before electricity, and there's still plenty of civilizations living fine without it."

Tech finally emerged from the wall and took the last few wires from you, the red and black ones. He met your eyes with an earnestness that let you know how much he was enjoying this conversation. "And people have survived without medicine. At least the manufactured forms that you're arguing for, like bacta. Traditional medicine is as sufficient as fire."

Before you could respond, Tech moved to the side, motioning toward the wall with his head and holding up the remaining wires.

"Now, unfortunately these last ones need to be clipped in down below. I'm not able to fit through the lattice of the floor, but someone of your stature easily could."

You stepped forward and peered down. It was a mess of machinery and pipes and beams, but you could clearly see the port where the wires had been yanked out earlier. You knelt down, resting your stomach on the edge of the wall, but paused before bending over.

"If it wasn't for bacta, you wouldn't have been born." You were confident in your comeback and thus didn't linger for his reaction, turning to bend down into the ship with your wires instead.

You were disappointed to hear his soft chuckle from above you.

"And what do you think powers the bacta tanks that hold the clone embryos?"

You were glad he couldn't see the frustrated frown on your face. While you tried to think of a new point in your debate, you snapped the red wire into the proper port. But then you realized you couldn't quite reach the black one, and started carefully shimmying forward, deeper into the wall.

"It seems we have circled back to the initial question," Tech offered in your silence. You felt his hands hold on to your hips, steadying you as your legs lifted from the floor, most of your body now inside the ship. You didn't think anything of it, though, your focus split between your task and his words. "What makes an achievement the most important? Both medicine and electricity are capable of preserving life, but neither are essential to survival. So, what criteria are we left with?"

You were finally within reach of the last port and pushed the wire into it. "Sounds like you already have the right answer, so why don't you stop teasing me and just say it?" you called up to him.

"I...I didn't mean to sound like I was teasing."

You could hear the apology in his voice, how truly caught off guard he was to hear that you had perceived his attempts at a friendly debate, a conversation, as mocking or disrespectful. Your stomach knotted up in guilt, making your journey to wiggle back out of the wall a little more difficult.

"I'm sorry, Tech," you said through a grunt as you tried to push yourself back. "I didn't mean to sound rude. I just don't know the answer."

You felt his arms snake around your middle, pulling you the last of the way out. You came to rest on your knees, breathing heavily at the sudden increase in air supply. Tech was crouched alongside you, his chest against part of your back, his arms still holding you.

"I honestly don't know the answer, either," he blinked down at you, speaking quietly. "I don't know what criteria would constitute the most important scientific achievement. I thought maybe we could figure it out if we kept discussing it."

You craned your neck around to look at him, unconcerned about the discomfort it took to do so. You needed to face him fully. "Or... maybe we don't need to figure it out? I mean, does there need to be one achievement labeled more important than any other? Can they not all be valued equally?"

"I suppose..." he relented. But only a little. "It is a fun thought exercise, though."

You smiled at that, and it made your heart flutter a little to see him return the expression. There were a few seconds between you where you sat pleasantly in each other's arms... before the realization hit that you were in each other's arms.

"Uh," Tech stuttered first. His eyes looked about frantically as if the more he saw of you practically sitting in his lap, the more he would know what to do about it.

Your face was hot and your heart thumped forcefully in your chest. But you weren't panicking. Even though you'd been around the Bad Batch for a while now, this was the first time you'd gotten physically close to any of them, especially this dorky genius, who made you feel just a little better about life than the others did. You hadn't been sure why, not until this moment, your face being mere inches away from his own. Now it clicked.

His arms had removed themselves from your frame and he was starting to crawl backward on the floor. You quickly grasped his shoulder to stop him.

"Tech, wait."

He froze, looking at you with wide, apprehensive eyes. His shoulder was tense so you relaxed your grasp and simply let your hand rest on it gently. You gave him a small smile. Thankfully these little gestures were enough encouragement for him to lean back to you. He still looked at you timidly, but he wasn't pulling away anymore. It seemed like maybe he had been feeling the same things about you.

"Yes?"

He was waiting for you to make the next move.

"So, this project," you stalled, needing just a little more time to work up the courage. "What is it again? Why did I just crawl into the bowels of the ship?"

Your face was creeping closer to his, breath gently fanning across each other, warm but refreshing.

"I... I..." Tech seemed to be short-circuiting. "I was just, uh, re... redecorating."

Your nose had just brushed his when you suddenly frowned and moved back to look at him questioningly. "Redecorating... wires?"

You were very amused at how flustered he seemed to be in this situation. But then the tables turned as Tech rolled with it.

"Yeah, I didn't like the way they looked in there. Wanted to change things up. You know me."

The smile on our face spread as he talked and you couldn't hold back your laughter any longer. You bent forward, resting your forehead in the crook of his neck while your body convulsed with giggles. Tech laughed along, bringing his arms back around you to hold you in place. When you finally looked up at him and the shit-eating grin he had plastered on his face, you knew you'd finally found your courage.

"Oh, Tech..." you chided, pressing your smiling lips against his own.

[mehbzz]

Soft Whitney. Nothing in my head but soft Whitney. So a little Degrees of Lewdity fanfic drabble, no smut. abusive relationships, abusive parents and mc suffering from trauma and probably more than a little Stockholm syndrome. mentions previous sexual assault. I guess a more ooc Whitney.

not proofread just rambled.

You’re not sure why Whitney had wanted you along. He’d grabbed you as you were leaving school and dragged you into town with his friends but they’d all been pretty much ignoring you for the past half an hour as they smoked and joked and harassed the people passing by.

Not that you minded being ignored, you had been nervous and on edge around Whitney for the past week and you wondered if he’d finally noticed. Every movement and gesture he made towards you had been making you anxious. You were still not sure what you had done to deserve the punishment of being tied up and left to be gangraped by the sailors, but every since you’d been making yourself almost ill in effort to be as well behaved and as submissive as you could be. You didn’t want to go through that again. You didn’t think you could survive going through that again. You didn’t realise you’d zoned out completely until you notice Whitney in front of you, saying your name as he reaches for you, and you flinch violently backwards.

He pauses, surprise, anger and something else flicking across his face before he loops his arm around your shoulders and turns back to his friends.

“Got my slut to entertain me today, don't need you guys.” He leads you away, the mixed jeers and cheers from his friends fading as he walks you in silence towards to the beach. The panic reignites in your gut, the feeling of the rope around your wrists and the jeers of the sailors springing painfully to the front of your mind at the sounds of the waves. Before the panic can ignite into a full blown attack Whitney steers you to the left, disappearing into the very edge of the park, through a brambled mess of branches and into a well hidden secluded little glade. He lets you look around for a second. It’s a tiny clearing, a large tree in the middle, its branches causing shafts of sunlight to ripple across the ground. It’s quiet too; the distant sound of the sea and the gentle sound of birdsong is all you can really hear. He shoves you forward, ending your appraisal of the area and you stumble, only just catching yourself from going face first into the trunk of tree.

He winces as he sits down, and you feel flair of sympathy but know better than to mention it. You've only ever seen Whitney’s father from a distance but you know he shares Bailey's fondness for physical reprimands. The one time you'd tried to talk to Whitney about it he'd lashed out immediately, shoving his cock so roughly down your throat, you’d been in pain for days and you'd ended up going to see Dr Harper worried he'd actually injured you.

Whitney sits still, head tilted back to rest against the tree and his eyes closed. He looks handsome, blonde hair a scruffy mess and you stand there awkwardly still a little shaky from the panicked adrenaline, torn between sitting with him and trying to run. You're not sure which would earn you the bigger punishment.

"Sit."

He opens one eye as you cautiously sit down next to him, shoulders not quite touching, and smirks at you. "good puppy." It's patronising, teasing, but the paltry praise still sends a warm little frisson through you that you try to ignore.

Whitney closes his eyes again, an unlit cigarette rolling between his long slender fingers. It’s beauiful here, peaceful, but you're still anxious. Why did he bring you here? You had been expecting to get fucked in all honesty, but this area felt way too secluded for Whitney’s exhibitionist streak.

The click of his tongue piercing against his teeth let's you know he's getting frustrated, probably annoyed, and you tense, bracing yourself for whatever pain was going to come your way.

“Just fucking relax,” he sounds angry, and more than a little uncertain, the click of the silver ball increasing in frequency. "I usually come here when I need a break from all the bullshit."

You are glad he's not looking at you, as the shock written across your face at his vulnerable admission would have undoubtedly earned you a rough punishment. In fact you think he's doing his hardest not to look at you, face tilted to the side and eyes tightly closed. You don’t know how to respond. This is his safe place? And he’s sharing it with you? “It's nice here.” It’s a pathetic response but you don’t know what else to say. He doesn't acknowledge you and you shift a little closer until your shoulders are touching. You feel him relax at the small touch and he finally places the cigarette in his mouth, shifting till he finds his lighter and lights it with a small satisfied hum. If he is closer to you after his shifting around, his leg and thigh touching yours, you don't mention it. The pair of you sit silently for a few minutes, the warm sunshine starting to make you feel drowsy.

"Don't leave. I won't do it again." It's mumbled quietly under his breath, he even stutters slightly and for the second time in the space of 10 minutes you feel stunned by his behaviour. Whitney’s moods often gave you whiplash but this was something new.

"OK." You practically whisper back but again you're not sure what else to say. "Thank you." You probably shouldn’t have to be thanking your boyfriend for not selling you off to a bunch of sailors, but he sounds so vulnerable, so unsure, so unlike himself that your mind is too shocked to offer you any other response.

The clicking of his tongue stud continues. It's the biggest giveaway to his real mood that you'll ever have. Running it along his teeth is something he does when he's genuinely stressed or frustrated. You don't think he's aware he does it and you've never brought it up in case it takes away the only indicator you have to his true feelings.

You’re hit with the desperate need to reassure him, but you know any words you offer will immediately be thrown back in your face, so you opt for a more subtle approach. You let your hands relax on your thighs and rest your head on his shoulder. He freezes for a split second at the contact but soon relaxes again, and thankfully he doesn't shove you off. The clicking sound stops as well.

"Tell anyone and I'll think of something worse than a gang of lonely sailors."

It’s a cruel but half hearted threat, a instinctive reaction to protect himself against appearing weak or soft so you don't reply and just nod, not wanting to ruin the fragile moment. You have no doubt insecurity and embarrassment will change his mood in a while, probably forcing you into some public sexual act in an attempt to reassure himself of his dominance over you and you want to enjoy the peace while you can. He switches the cigarette to his other hand and hesitantly wraps his pinky loosely around yours. You desperately want to link your fingers together but you know when you’re pushing your luck, so you sit quiet, content to let him push himself outside of his comfort zone without fear of reprimand or acknowledgement. It’s an odd talent you’d found yourself developing, the ability to comfort and encourage him without him realising you are doing either of those things. At least not yet.

He finishes his cigarette slowly, giving you the chance to doze off on his shoulder. "You better not have drooled on me." The confidence is back in his voice and you feel an odd mix of disappointed and content as he shoves you off him, still surprisingly gentle.

He dusts his hands off on your jeans and you pretend to ignore the pained noise he makes as he rises, looking away as he presses a hand to his ribs. “Get up then,” There's a pink tinge to his cheeks as you look up at him, and he's definitely avoiding eye contact with you as he holds out a hand to help you up. You take his hand but push yourself up, you don’t want to cause him anymore discomfort. You stand there holding his hand and you think for a split second that he’s going to kiss you, but you realise that’s too much gentleness for Whitney in too little amount of time as he smirks, and flicks your forehead hard instead. "c’mon slut, let's go to the pub."

[blackcherrykiss]

BLOOD BOUNDARIES - Enhypen OT7 Fanfic (ch.6)

[CH.1] [CH.2] [CH.3] [CH.4] [CH.5] previous chapters

[CH.7] next chapter (unavailable, check back or follow for updates!)

genre: vampire au, romance, drama, mystery, thriller

note: written inspired by enhypen's storyline, given-taken lyrics & teasers. please keep in mind all members are apart of this fanfic and the main theme is mystery/drama!

*P.S swear words are used (i try not to use them often lol but i feel they added to the emotion in the dialogue) the beginning lowkey not proofread sorry happy readings!

"I sensed you were here." He commented sternly as he stood up from the piano bench.

You stepped back, "Y-you just play really well... Didn't mean to be a creep." You get shy with shivers after realizing he knew you were around. From what you recall, you were absolutely silent.

His wordless response was a cold signal to leave. And so you did. Whipping your head back behind you to see people begin to exit their rehearsal rooms. You left Jay alone as he probably wished, mindlessly waiting for your roommates to storm out. The doors along the hall were now wide open so that you could search the rooms. Like a scavenger hunt, you went in and out of each music room, clueless as to which one you would find your friends in.

"Y/N?" You hear Hyesun before you could even step foot into one of the larger sized rooms along the hall. You slung your head up in surprise to see your roommates chatting with faces you were tired of seeing.

"Long time no see." Heeseung visibly bit down on the tip of his tongue causing your emotions to run wild. You were irked to see Nana, Hyesun and Dahee (in case you forgot these are the names of y/n's dormmates) with Jaeyun, Heeseung and Sunghoon.

"Haha..." You laugh uncomfortably at the overwhelming mixture of people.

"We were just thinking about having a party before the upcoming long weekend," Sunghoon plastered a dark smile that you found strangely annoying. He had some corrupt aura and every bit of your gut felt alarmed by him.

"Jungwon is in the next room over, you should ask him to come here," Dahee said calmly and reassuringly. If anything all of your roommates looked unexpectedly comfortable and relaxed in the presence of some of the school's hottest boys. You imagined your friends to be flustered since they had secretly fangirled to you about them during late-night girl talks. It seemed they had become genuine friends instead of fangirls. It made you question your intuition and trust issues. Maybe it was just you overreacting and these boys were friends, not threats.

Nodding your head, you run off to where Dahee had mentioned Jungwon was. Chasing until you met a closed door with a dim light shining through its' crystallized glass. Listening close you could hear Jungwon sing softly through the door, making your heart rate rise a bit. Like a fool, your heart was going in circles. You focus your eyes through the bits of glass that didn't distort your vision to see Jungwon in pure grace.

"He sings pretty well doesn't he?" You felt a whisper brush the conch of your ear. Not even bothering to see who the whisper belonged to, you agreed.

"Yeah... I've never heard him sing before." You blush at yourself, finally taking a look to see who you were even talking to.

Your gaze met a pair of sharp cut out eyes, "If I heard a person sing like that, I'd be convinced I'm in love with them." Kim Sunoo taunted, trying to make it obvious that your feelings of interest were on full display, even to a stranger. "You might get hurt though, being in love with Jungwon." His voice was a deep frequency that hummed in the bloodstream of your ears.

"Why would it hurt?" Your curiosity getting the best of you.

"He's capable of things you don't want to imagine," Sunoo fakely sighed, his breath hitting the side of your neck. "Jungwon's truly a bad boy. Playing around such a delicate flower." And with that said, Sunoo swung the door right open.

Jungwon abruptly stopped mid sentence, startlement creating a pale cast over his face, "Y/N? What are you doing here?" Jungwon laughed a bit to himself, a little embarrassed after the fact you had probably heard him sing.

"She was standing outside since the beginning of the song." Sunoo smiled smugly before walking out, leaving you in the icy room alone with Jungwon.

"I didn't want to interrupt... That's not even the point... I came to tell you that my dormmates are in the other room talking with the guys."

"The guys?"

"You know... Sunghoon and them... I-I'd really appreciate if you were just there Jungwon." You were sincere because, for some reason, he looked lonely. You would also really feel more at ease with Jungwon around and you hoped your sincerity reached him.

Jungwon had put on a concerned face before dropping it, realizing he was overreacting."Oh. Alright... I'll be there in a few minutes." Jungwon got up, shuffling his sheet music stand into a neat stack that hid in the corner. He had responded in a way that was much calmer than you expected. Perhaps you were expecting him to lash out about being around his friends?

"But Jungwon I want to ask you something..." You hated the secrets between the two of you, it was a mystery game you didn't want to play anymore, "Can you just explain what your relationship with Sunoo... Not even Sunoo, the rest of the guys."

He stopped in his tracks, knowing you were tired of his lies. "We're all orphans from the same orphanage. We just never got adopted." He spoke bluntly in a cold and rushed tone. His answer was enough to have you not ask any more questions about their relationship as it seemed too personal and insensitive of you to keep asking. "Since we were all too old to stay at the orphanage, some social workers came and took us to live in a house together. The house is just on the outskirts of the school but we only go there for long weekends and breaks when there is nobody on campus..." The realization of when Jungwon had said Heeseung was his dormmate came back to you. "They're like my brothers. But, some bad things happened to them in an incident we had a couple of years back at this carnival.. We were never the same after that." Jungwon had gotten somewhat emotional blurting it all out. He had choked up as you heard his words full of frustration built up in his throat. When you looked deeper into him, you found your heartache as his eyes glittered with tears.

"I-I trust you Jungwon. I'm so sorry I must've put you in an uncomfortable situation." You felt like an awful human being hearing his story.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm being too protective with you over those guys. I'm sorry about that. I just see you and get worried. They've become bad people..." He slid his fingertips from his forehead up until they tangled with the roots of his hair, closing his eyes to conceal his emotions.

You could've just hugged him right then seeing him in the midst of crying but your mind was a haze, foggy with not wanting to cross the unspoken boundaries between the two of you. The skinship of hugging was still considered too much for your friendship and you weren't openly ready to have the feelings of endearment that come with carrying out such an intimate gesture. You knew by being in such close distance with him would make you a fool for love.

"I think we should go to the others." You darted with a sudden wall forming between the both of you. You shuddered in pain with your cold remark after Jungwon had just revealed something so deep and vulnerable to you. Even if Jungwon had just told you an intimate part of his identity it was like he became more of a stranger to you. It seemed everything Jungwon was saying was quite true but still Sunoo's words had scarred your subconscious of falling in love with him or even merely liking him. Jungwon had said the boys were bad people but what excluded him from them?

You made your way back, leaving Jungwon to be alone and cool down from whatever you had just made him think of. Every second, regretting you didn't just wrap your arms around him and comfort him. Had it not been for Sunoo, maybe you would've trusted there was nothing more to what Jungwon than what he had just said.

"Did you find Jungwon?" Dahee lifted her eyes off of Sunghoon to yours. You got deja vu when you saw Sunghoon staring at Dahee with the same eyes he used during the commotion at the library.

"Yeah, I think he's just packing up his stuff right now..." You gulp awkwardly as everyone had settled into smaller groups. You think your eyes were deceiving you when you noticed Sunoo now in the room, being quick to withdraw from the conversation he was having with Hyesun and Nana to approach you.

"You don't look well. Something happen between you and Jungwon?" A wicked bubble of laughter rising in his chest.

"Not at all..." It was half true half not. Nothing had really happened mentally or physically but emotionally, there was something.

"Interesting because I was just asking those two girls about you and Jungwon. It seems you two are a lot closer than I anticipated."

"We're just friends, we're just getting closer these days."

"Sweetheart, he's not really trying to be your friend, right? He's just using you like how these boys are doing with your girl friends right now."

"Using us? Using me? Our relationship isn't that shallow. Maybe your dimwit friends would do that but I know Jungwon." You were offended by his assumption, who was Sunoo to claim such an idea?

"What makes you think you know him?" Sunoo laughed gravely at your statement. "I've heard a lot about you from Heeseung and Jaeyun, Y/N." Sunoo used your name. It seemed you both knew each other's names without having to directly say it or formally introduce yourselves.

"I'm flattered I'm that pretty enough to them that they would talk about me, Kim Sunoo." You used his name in the same power he had used yours in a sentence.

"More than just pretty, you should watch yourself. The pretty girls of this school don't last very long in this school."

"And why is that?"

"I think you'll find out soon enough." Sunoo snickered while swaying himself up and away after looking at the doorway.

"It looks like a party in here." Jay had entered with an arm hanging around Jungwon. You hadn't realized how packed the room was until Jay mentioned it.

"Yeah and we're planning one right now." Heeseung spat in a jokingly annoyed tone at Jay.

"A party???" He laughed, "If the school finds girls with us outside school grounds or even near the dorm we'll all be fucking expelled." Jay raised his scratched brow in interest as to Heeseung's response.

"Yeah as if the teachers are even awake super late at night. Literally, no one monitors the halls at night." Heeseung let out an airy scoff from across the room. You and your roommates were all flustered at the plan of a party so late at night. You were embarrassed your mind was even in that direction. "Our place is not far from here Jay, calm the fuck down."

"H-hey I think us girls will head off to eat, we'll settle the plans another time." Nana made eye contact with all the girls as a signal to exit. It seemed the mood took a bitter turn when Jay had entered.

It was an awkward scurry out the door as Nana pulled Hyesun with her. You shortly followed, looking behind you to see Jungwon give a lifeless stare at the ground. Your eyes focusing in on Sunghoon who whispers ever-so closely to Dahee. Whatever he told her, it tinted her face a plush pink.

"Dahee let's go." You glared at Sunghoon before putting on a sweet smile toward Dahee. You couldn't just watch Sunghoon act like such a flirt to Dahee, not when you knew something was also going on between him and Kyungeun.

...

Dahee hums beside you as Nana and Hyesun walk in front. The four of you were quiet, not one of you bringing up the encounter with the boys.

"Do you guys actually want to have a party with them?" You interrupt the silence.

"Y/N they are the hottest guys at our school, do you think we're going to pass on the opportunity?" Hyesun answers.

"Jaeyun told me he and Heeseung could get a couple of drinks from the town over the weekend." Nana added.

"Drinks?! How? Were literally all minors?!" You freaked out like a child.

"Not sure... I do admit though... I'm scared we'll get caught." Nana admitted making you feel reassured knowing she was leaning more toward not having a party.

"What else did you guys already discuss about the party?" You asked, hungry for the details.

"Apparently they've got a place really close by to here. I guess they live together?" The thought of what Jungwon had said to you earlier about the boys all being orphans came back to you.

"Where exactly is there place?"

"Somewhere in the woods of school." _________ author here lol just want to check in and make sure everyone remembers everything from the very first chapter :-) i told you guys that stuff mentioned in early chapters have big significance in the later chapters! Also feel so bad there are so many characters to keep track of LOL I will make a profile of all the characters once everyone is introduced.

Please leave feedback if you have any and thank you for being patient!

[knit-wear-it]

Drunk Tank

Mood: (Harley x Ledger!Joker) Harley sees the Joker drunk for the first time. A little window into their relationship after the initial high of getting together has passed, and they’re still settling into living together. This period of time is probably the sweet spot for prompts, btw. 

Rating: Domestic 💯

Prompt: From Anon, Harley & J get drunk together or one of them reacts to the other getting drunk.

Drunk Tank, a Harlequin-Tumblr-Exclusive

It was mid-October, just a week after Harley and the Joker’s tussle with the Odessa gang, which of course, ended with Harley murdering their leader Boris Kosov via a brick to the skull. What was she supposed to do, let him live?

Black Canary arrived shortly thereafter, and now Harley was sporting three broken fingers on her right hand as a result of the fight that followed. They were taped up and splinted, rendering her remarkably useless. You couldn’t shoot with broken fingers, let alone be effective with a knife or any other kind of weapon. It was a frustrating injury, and made her feel like a liability, her hand tucked in her coat as she stood to the side while the Joker did the busy work.

Being useless was not something Harley Quinn was well-equipped to deal with, making her feel sulky and even a little depressed.

She and the Joker were almost two months into their experiment in togetherness, and Harley was still riding the wave of certainty and freedom that came with giving in to whatever this thing was between them. She couldn’t define it; she just knew it was there, vibrating at some higher frequency, and making her feel invincible.

Invincible until her own physicality got in the way, it seemed.

They were hardly a ‘talking about their feelings’ couple, but Harley sensed he was annoyed with her moodiness over being injured. He didn’t taunt her about it, which Harley interpreted as a choice to not make her feel worse, a genuinely surprising development. Obviously, there was no sympathy, and no attempt to cheer her up. He just wasn’t making it worse.

Over the last few days, she’d taken to hibernating, and he’d been out with increasing frequency. Maybe avoiding her. Maybe he just wanted to be out. Harley wasn’t sure what to make of it.

She knew the Joker better than anyone, and for the most part she could read him like an open book. Especially when things were good — the giddiness of companionship, the thrill of something new and head-spinningly good elevating everything. But they were only human, and things couldn’t always be good. They definitely couldn’t always be new.

That night J was out with Marty, leaving Harley at the safe house to sulk over her broken fingers and indulge in moody thoughts about the Joker losing interest in her. She didn’t really believe it would be that simple, but she was depressed, and it was morbidly satisfying to go to the darker corners of her mind.

It was edging up to 3 AM, and she was in bed watching reruns of Made in the Diamond District on an old laptop missing most of its keys. Ivania Dumas had just thrown a shoe at Bobby Kennedy’s head when Harley heard the loud creak of the window in the living room opening. Her head snapped up at the CRASH that followed, prompting her to jump out of bed and grab the handgun tucked in a holster slung over the headboard.

Harley sidled up to the bedroom door, flicking the safety off her piece and pressing her back against the wall.

Then there was a gruff sing-songy grumbling out in the living room, making her eyes widen as she realized this was no unlucky burglar.

She stepped out of the bedroom and slapped the light on at the wall, a pair of sconces blinking on, dimly illuminating the cramped kitchen and living room area.

The Joker was sitting on the floor beneath the narrow, horizontal window, having apparently rolled through it and fallen to the floor.  His legs were splayed out in front of him, his green-stained hair flopping over his forehead, his warpaint mostly wiped away apart from some black clinging to his eyelashes and red staining his lips.

He blinked rapidly under the lights, squinting up at Harley as she drew closer, her brow furrowed, confused.

“Wait-wait,” he slurred, smirking as he stretched both arms up toward her, swaying. “Don’t shoot, officer. I’m uh… I’m innocent.”

He giggled shrilly and Harley’s eyes widened even further as she realized what she was seeing.

“Are you… drunk?” she demanded, incredulous.

The Joker swayed forward, squeezing his eyes shut as he giggled to himself.

Harley set the gun aside on the kitchen counter, unsure how to react. She’d never seen him drunk before, and she’d never been drunk in his presence either. There just wasn’t time for it. Sure, neither of them would turn down a drink, especially after some especially chaotic work, but it was crucial to be present when you were wanted terrorists constantly on the run from the Batman.

“So, I guess you and Marty had some fun?” she asked tentatively, undeniably curious about this development.

“Mmm,” the Joker nodded sluggishly and shrugged out of his coat, leaving it in a puddle on the floor behind him.

Harley watched him try to push himself up twice only to fall on his ass both times. On his third attempt she stepped forward and grabbed him by the elbow, hauling him to his feet.

The Joker promptly lost his balance and staggered forward into Harley. She caught him by the lapels, but he forced her backward, his hands closed around her waist, fisting into her oversized tee shirt. Harley’s back hit the counter separating the tiny kitchen from the living room, her spine striking the edge, sending a fissure of irritation rolling through her.

“Hey!” she yelped, punching him on the arm with her good hand.

But the Joker just chuckled slyly and proceeded to tug her tee shirt up to reveal the black bikini-briefs she wore beneath. Then he swayed backwards, squinting down at them.

“Dawwwwww,” he cooed, sounding disappointed. “You’re wearing… panties.”

Before Harley could respond, his attention had already shifted. He dropped her shirt in favour of sliding both gloved hands into her hair, which was already greasy and wavy. He rocked back on his heels unsteadily as he flexed his fingers against her scalp, zhuzing her hair to make it big and fluffy before he released her to get a look at his work.

“Mmm,” he blinked at her sleepily, and tucked one messy lock of hair behind her ear.

“Wow,” Harley laughed, not knowing how else to respond to this bizarre behaviour.

“Ya know, there was a girl tonight,” the Joker smoothed her hair back from her face, his gloves snagging a few honey blonde strands, as ungentle as ever.

“A girl?” Harley’s eyebrows rose curiously.

“Mm,” he nodded and flapped one hand carelessly. “My uh… animal magnetism is impossible to ignore.”

“Did she tell you that?” Harley fought back a smile.

“Oohhhh,” he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “It was uh, pretty obvious when she climbed into my lap.” 

“Really?” Harley pressed her lips together, trying not to laugh. “Did she realize who you are?”

“Psshhht,” the Joker hissed through his teeth, which might have meant he had no idea and didn’t care. “But I said… sorry sweetheart,” he slapped a hand over his heart dramatically. “I’m taken.”

“That’s good to hear,” Harley deadpanned, smirking.

“And she said, awwww, is she gonna get jealous.” His eyes grew heavy as he dramatized the retelling. “And I said, kitty-cat my girl don’t do jealous.”

Harley snorted, amused. But he wasn’t done yet.

“And she went, I bet I can make her jealous.” He threaded his fingers into Harley’s hair again, piling it up on top of her head this time. “And I said, honey, you don’t know my girl. She...” He growled quietly, his eyes suddenly intense as they trailed over Harley’s face, making her heart leap. “She’s a real pistol…”

He tipped forward suddenly, ostensibly going in for a kiss, but his nose crashed into Harley’s cheek, his fingers in her hair pulling at her scalp.

“Alright, Casanova,” Harley pushed on his chest and he swayed backward, his hands falling out of her hair. “Are you hungry?”

“Mmmmmmm,” he seemed to confirm with one big lazy nod. Then he yanked her shirt up to get a look at her panties again.

“Hungry for food,” Harley clarified, grinning openly as she pushed him away.

He staggered back, struggling out of his blazer while Harley circled into the kitchen to dig out left-over Caribbean food from the fridge. As she threw it into the microwave, the Joker stumbled into the bedroom, making Harley laugh softly as she listened to him crash into things trying to get undressed. She wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it, except that with his already-microscopic inhibitions lowered, some exceptionally fond feelings for her were floating to the surface of a brain usually concerned with more practical matters.

Harley examined her splinted fingers, the anxiety that she was annoying him with her ‘moodiness’ dissipating. Maybe he had been annoyed, but if this… affection for her was what was beneath that…

Harley sighed, trying not to beam stupidly as she grabbed the food out of the microwave. 

She stepped into the bedroom to find the Joker had divested himself of his clothes, and was sprawled out on the bed naked, attempting to light a poorly rolled cigarette with a disposable lighter.

“That’s dignified,” Harley drawled, handing him the box of take out, distracting him from the cigarette, which he promptly threw across the room in favour of the food.

Harley smiled and shook her head, circling to her side of the bed. She slid into the same position she’d been in before her partner staggered home drunk, demanding her attention. Feeling outrageously content, she tapped on the laptop to the episode playing, thinking that even shit-faced, the Joker was still an agent of chaos.

Just a far less threatening variety of it.

Fin

A/N: For the record, the Joker was totally out drinking with Marty to avoid Harley sulking over her broken fingers, haha. This is a perfect little look at their relationship before this weekend’s new chapter of the Pantomime. 

Like it, reblog it, leave a note, show me some love 🥰

"Alright, Casanova” 👇 LOL.

[angst-fairygodmother]

Light Fingers (The Umbrella Academy)

Diego’s vigilantism brings him repeatedly across the path of a young cat burglar. But as he finds himself developing feelings for the thief, he begins to wonder if there’s more to her than meets the eye, and whether they’re really on opposite sides. And as their relationship deepens, it brings with it a plot involving his estranged adopted father, and threatens to destroy all of them.

CHAPTER 3: TAKING YOUR HEART

Word Count: 1676 Pairing: Diego Hargreeves x Reader Rating: G Cross-posted to AO3: here

Previous Chapter: We Keep Meeting || Masterlist

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You and Diego settled into a routine.

You would break in somewhere, get what you came for. He would stop you on the way out, make some attempt to get information out of you, which you would always deflect. You’d slip away. He’d give chase but eventually give up.

The next morning, he’d be in the diner: two eggs sunny side up, bacon, whole wheat toast, orange juice. Stories about his childhood, or the odd characters at his boxing gym. Chatting about other customers in the diner, your rock-climbing club. Admitting that he’d flunked out of the police academy for a “problem with authority.” Admitting that you’d never had a chance to flunk out of anywhere because you’d been too scared to commit to something in the first place. Trading smiles and pick-up lines that never went anywhere, no matter how much your heart rushed and your face heated when your fingers would brush.

You never spoke of night activities. He never turned you over to the cops.

Round and round you danced.

One evening as you were leaving after a double shift, he was waiting for you outside.

You gasped, startled as he appeared from seemingly nowhere at your elbow, walking casually with his hands tucked into the pockets of his jacket.

“Jesus!” you cried, pressing a hand to your racing heart dramatically. “Where did you come from?”

“Can we talk?” he asked, not actually looking at you, matching step with you as you started walking toward your apartment.

“Sure, I guess. I mean we do all the time,” you shrugged, shoving your hands into your own pockets to chase off the slight evening chill.

“Not about this. About…your other job?”

“Oh.”

You felt your heart sink, sure that this was the moment where it all fell apart. You had come to look forward to the back and forth with him, almost as much as you did the thrill of taking or the fruits of your labors. You bit your lip.

“Yeah, okay,” you sighed. “Not out in the open though. I’m not stupid.”

He finally glanced over at you, scanning your face for any sign of a trick or trap. Finding none, he nodded. “I’ve got…a room…at an old boxing gym. If you’re okay with it, we could talk there. No one will bother us.”

“Okay. Yeah. Lead the way.” If he was willing to trust you, you decided, you would extend him the same courtesy, at least for now.

~

“I still don’t get it. How do you do it?” He was leaning against the stair railing casually.

You stood in the center of the barely converted boiler room, spinning in a slow circle to inspect the whole scene.

“You live here?” you asked incredulously, not even noticing his question in the wake of your shock.

“It’s enough for what I need,” he shrugged.

You raised an eyebrow at him as if to ask ‘is it though?’

“Gonna answer my question sweetheart?” The tone of his voice rankled you, a little too close to the condescending losers in your life who thought they were better than you because they were bigger or stronger or…maler.

“You really haven’t figured it out?” you placed your hands on your hips as you looked at him.

“No. And don’t give me that ‘smoke and mirrors’ shit again.” He had been putting away his various knives and waved one of them at you to punctuate his words.

“It was a hint,” you rolled your eyes. “But clearly, I’m not speaking to the brains of the family operation.”

“Y/N…” there was a tinge of anger, of warning in his voice.

You sighed, biting your lip, nervous to trust him enough to open up after so long bearing your burdens alone. “You at least worked out that I’m one of the other freak babies that your father couldn’t acquire, right?”

“Yeah. Well I mean, I figured as much, but I wasn’t sure. You not getting caught means I didn’t exactly have any records to check.”

“Silver linings keep coming.” You smiled wryly. “I escape because of—and actually owe quite a bit of my skillset to if I’m being honest—my power.”

“Which is…?”

You held up a hand, watching with a relaxed expression, calmer than he’d ever seen…anyone really, as the light began to coalesce around you. He knew he was meant to be watching your demonstration, but instead he found himself mesmerized by the way the gathering energy flickered across your face, bringing a warmth to you that he didn’t usually see in dim nights or under sputtering fluorescents. He moved closer to you, mouth slightly agape as he stared and you rolled the light over your palm coaxing it to play through your fingers.

“You can glow?” he asked softly, and you flushed, picking up the note of awe underneath his incredulity. “I don’t get how that helps. Shouldn’t that make it harder?”

“If glowing was all I could do, maybe. Although it would still mean I don’t have to worry about a flashlight or night vision goggles. Less gear to worry about lets me be lighter on my feet, sneakier.”

You smirked. He quirked an eyebrow at you.

“I can manipulate light. Glowing is the easy part because there’s always a little bit of light, even when it’s not visible, that I can pull in and then it’s easy to change the frequency. But a little change to how it reflects equals functional invisibility. To a camera anyway. Or anything without an intelligence. Hence smoke and mirrors.”

“So it could make you invisible to Luther?” he offered with a smirk.

You laughed, shoving his shoulder lightly and he chuckled in response, now the one glowing, with pride rather than light, at having been the one to draw out the sound, which was more genuine than he had heard from you in the past.

“A living being notices more…stuff, like shadows or flickers of movement or when something just doesn’t seem right. So I’d have to manipulate a lot more at once to be invisible to them. I’ve never actually tried it, but I don’t know if my powers are strong enough for that.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “So you have the power to control light. With that you could do anything, search and rescue or something. But you decided to use it to steal?”

“Hey Mister Judgy McTightpants, it’s…more complicated than that. And not all of us have an edgy hero complex that keeps us from seeing past our own tiny worldview.” You folded your arms over your chest, glaring defensively at him.

He watched the walls slam back up around you, your eyes glazing over into coldness. Guilt and regret gnawed at his gut.

“No, wait. I didn’t mean…”

“Yeah, I don’t really care what you meant. You had Daddy Warbucks funding you and training you. You got choose to live in a shitty one room ‘apartment’ and play superhero. Not all of us had that luxury.”

“Luxury? You think I grew up with luxury?” He scoffed.

“Yeah, I do. I’m not saying it was perfect, or that you’re father wasn’t shit, but I am saying…forget it.” You shook your head, annoyed with him, but even more with yourself. “Just forget it. Talking to you at all was a mistake.”

He grabbed your arm lightly as you turned to go, not enough to actually restrain you, just to make you pause.

“Wait, please?” he said, voice tinged in nervousness.

“Why, so you can criticize me some more?”

“No. I…you’re…there’s so much about you that I can’t figure out. I’m trying to understand.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be understood.”

“What?”

“Goodnight Diego,” you leaned in to kiss his cheek before thinking better of it, brushing past him, arms folded around yourself as if to fight off a chill. “I’ll…see you around.”

There was an ache in his chest as he watched you go, your hand lingering on the doorknob. He wanted to call out to you again, to ask you to stay, to beg you to tell him everything you kept locked inside yourself. But when he opened his mouth, it was like he was twelve years old again and he couldn’t find a way to make his mouth form the words, to push the sounds out as something distinguishable. He had just gotten his tongue around the shape of your name when the door clicked closed behind you.

He sighed, flopping onto his little bed in the corner, staring up at the ceiling with one hand tucked behind his head. There was something about you, something about the way you made him feel, that he couldn’t place, but it was unlike anything he was used to. It puzzled him and frustrated him. As he lay there, trying to go to sleep before his nightly patrol, he found the shape of your smile and the halo you had formed around yourself were burned into his brain.

~

Several weeks went by where you did not see Diego Hargreeves. At first it was a relief, not to have to worry about the vigilante interfering with your work. But then, even as your thefts got bolder and there was no question of what you were doing, he failed to make an appearance and you actually found yourself growing worried.

More than that, you missed him. His stupid smirk as he challenged and teased you, the little self-deprecating laugh when he told a truly terrible joke at the counter, the way his eyes seemed to see deeper than the surface, the fact that he made you feel seen and special for maybe the first time in your life.

Finally, you decided you had had enough (annoyed with yourself for moping. Over a boy of all things) and went out looking for him.

Maybe you would have to apologize for your harsh words. Maybe you wanted to. Swallowing your pride and letting the door creak open for him was better than the alternative, this strange void in your life.

[neirawrites]

I was a Twihard in high school. Then I was a Twilight hater. In  2018, I decided to reread the first book, to see for myself on which side I belonged. I wrote my thoughts as I read, in multiple parts, but on my main blog, so I thought I might share them on my writeblr too, because I kinda had fun with it. 

Enjoy my many, many notes

Pages 0-50

I’m actually kinda into it. Yeah, there are a many issues every article on editing tells you to fix (filter words, -ing verbs and things like that), but i feel it. I don’t know what it is, but it’s there.

Bella isn’t that bad of a protagonist. Nothing too spectacular, but she’s fine. She is depressed, self sacrificing and hides her feelings, but also a lot more self aware than i though she would be(like when she notices mike, my son, likes her). She’s a typical teenage girl, the introverted type, way into reading. there’s nothing wrong with that.

I don’t know why i remember Edward being a draco in leather pants,but he’s also fine for now. mysterious and handsome and a bit weird. The first real conversation they have, he’s polite and nice and charming. I expected him to be a dick for like 150 pages at least.

Pages 50-100

I’m still really into it.

Yeah,Edward kinda ghosts her/gaslights her after the whole van incident, but with the benefit of hindsight,i kinda get it. It’s a wonder he didn’t pick up his entire family and moved to Alaska again. I also get her mood during that time and I've been there so i feel ya,Bella,it’s not your fault.

And yeah, Bella gets invited to the dance by three different guys and it’s all kinds of fan fic-y, but the fact she turns them down furthers my belief she’s wake up married to Edward in like a few years and realize she would rather be with Rosalie (a solid choice, might i add).

Edward’s really pushy, especially when it comes to the scene after she faints. like, let her go, you jerk, she can drive herself, but he’s more weird than he’s a jerk and i think that was intentional.

A big surprise was the line “what if i’m not the hero, what if i’m the bad guy?” which isn’t this super cheesy, extra dramatic sentence but a jokey joke told with a laugh. actually, that whole conversation in the cafeteria where she tries to guess what he is is gold and don’t try to tell me otherwise.

I’m reading her interests in him as less of a romantic thing, and more of frustration at his behavior,like she would still be fascinated by him if he wasn’t so hot because he’s just so weird (but being hot is definitely a plus).

Plot? What plot?

Still, while the flaws are there, i’m still enjoying it very much.

Pages 100-150

Is Stephanie Meyer into anime? Cuz she wrote a harem light novel,that’s what she did and that’s how i’ll read it from now on and have more fun doing it. (Might make a post elaborating on this further).

All this to say that we got to Jacob. Not gonna lie, I kinda forgot about him.  He seems like a nice kid and i’m glad Bella has some positive interaction. Team jacoj 4 life (jk,man,i was team jasper in high school which is in retrospect very weird of me). I know he becomes a friend-zoned dudebro later, but for now, he’s fine.

Meyer, lady, you’re winning me over as a half hearted defender of your work, but why are the girls so bitchy? Yeah,i know, bitchy girls exist in real life, especially in high schools,but girls are our friends and we need more positive female on female interactions. Just my personal preference, I guess.

Things are getting interesting. Bella’s dreaming weird dreams (just fyi, not a big fan of dream scenes in general), she’s googling like crazy  and we’re going to Port Angeles.

I never felt she has any sort of affection for Angela or Jessica who seem really nice and have done nothing wrong. Like loosen up Bella, give them a chance. I know, depression makes you into a bitch sometimes, but it would warm me up to her character if she was a little more affectionate with people around her.

That whole scene where she almost gets at best beaten up and mugged and at worst raped and killed is… not my favorite part of the whole thing. I get what Meyer needed to do, to have her be saved by Edward, but there must have been a better way to go about it. What do I know? I’m the queen of forced plot contrivances. I do like their conversation at the restaurant (again, why do we hate the female waitress, Steph?). I don’t know why, I expected Edward to be mad at Bella for what happened to her and he seems genuinely concerned and his anger feels… human. Some of his actions, however, do not.

He stalked her which is weird and creepy and I hate it. Don’t stalk people, Edward. most of us don’t like it. you’re lucky Bella’s a weirdo.

150-200

I kinda love how ok she’s with the whole vampire thing. she’s just “well, this kid i barely know told me a scary story, so i guess the guy from school is a vampire. it be like that sometimes.” my first assumption would be it’s all an elaborate prank to make fun of me (i have some deep seeded trust issues origins of which remain unknown). and he’s waaay to quick to confirm her suspicions. I think there’s an explanation in the part of midnight sun that got leaked, but that was like a century ago.

I would criticize her for being ride or die with Edward so fast, falling in love with him so quickly, but i exchanged like 5 sentences with a cute girl last night and a part of is ready to propose based on the artiness of her instagam, so who the eff am i to judge?

and i get why he’s fascinated with her. she’s the only one he can’t read.

why? i don’t think that question ever gets a good enough answer, but it’s a fictional story about a girl falling in love with a sparky vampire. i’m not here for complex science or detailed explanations.

he seems waaay too protective of her. She’s a big girl, Ed, she can take care of herself. It’s actually kinda annoying. i dislike how he treats like a child a lot of the time. he seems pretty condescending. also, if he broke her car, i’m taking back everything nice i said about him.

ok, let me finally address bella’s biggest character flaw, her clumsiness. i mean, i get why she has it but Meyer goes a bit too hard on it. i’m clumsy, i really am, full of bruises, always bumping into things, but Bella can’t walk 20 meters without tripping. i guess i’m just glad she becomes a vampire in the book four, otherwise the book five would have been about her struggles when she’s diagnosed with a stage four inoperable brain tumor that’s been mesing with her sense of balance and the whole things turns into a weird version of the fault in our starts.

if i were writing it i would focus on her trust issues and being unable to form real bonds with other people as her main flaw, maybe even use it to try and justify the whole thing with the mind Edward can’t read. Like, she’s too different in a way that makes her unable to connect even on a basic level, like that one Blue whale that sings at a different frequency than all the others. Idk,i write pulpy sci fi. but it’s easy to be a general after the battle.

we got to the two infamous lines:

how are you? 17. how long have you been 17?  is another line that’s more jokey than i though it would be, but also the most realistic piece of dialogue in this book. i would so ask the same thing.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, this paragraph has been memed to death. Second, there was a part of me-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that would know every word of it till the day i died. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in like with it.

200-300

Not gonna lie, the whole part where he goes around asking her questions he is legitimately interested in knowing the answers to is at the same time my kinkiest fantasy and my deepest fear. like, yaaas, daddy, get to know me on the personal level and don’t be turn off by the fact i’m a tabula rasa.

We got to the infamous meadow scene and Bella is sooo horny on main for that vampire stake it’s actually kinda funny. She gets so effing into it she faints. I fucking love this girl. Go get that adonis dick, Bella, you deserve it.

I don’t mind vampires sparkle.i mean,it’s lame and fanfic-y but in Bosnia we have the lampires so vampires are creatures with a high dose of plasticity. i don’t know why that was like the worst thing anyone has ever done to the vampires. They are kinda too strong and could use a real weakness tho.  

So the lion fell in love with the lamb is kind of another joke. Also, this is the skin of a killer is sadly just in the movie.

I do have the feeling he likes the project that he sees in Bella more than the real girl,but ok. Also stop nagging her. He watches her sleep. What a creep. I don’t know why, but the fact that he’s a vampire who doesn’t have to sleep makes it kinda less creepy for me. I don’t know why.

But “if i could dream at all i would be about you,” is the kind of ultracheese i can get behind. they are both such teenagers and i kinda looooove it.

Also non of the boys were her type is such a lesbian excuse. I feel ya Bella, i feel ya. I hope you discover your gayness after the end of breaking dawn.

We meet the cullens and every single one of them has a backstory like 528 times more interesting than Edward. i need novels about them, all of them ffs. it would be so cool. but, one of my favorite oc’s Errien Lark gets like 30 lines in the whole book so i can only be as harsh on Meyer as on myself (which is to say a lot. neither of us deserve these characters, honestly)

This book would have been more interesting if Bella fell in love in any other cullen. Like, Bella and Alice, Bella and jasper (Bella and Jasper and Alice. Sorry, i’m into solving love triangles with ot3s).Bella and Rosalie, Calilise, Esme, even Emmett, who i remember  as mike of the vampires, but it’s been a decade.

300 pages in and plot is yet to happen, but it’s ok. we have the vampire baseball next.

the last part.

get your hot takes! hot takes right here

I kinda like billy. He seems like a nice guy. Also billy/charlie as my new otp.

“The beautiful one,the godlike one.” Bella, you are such a teen.

The less fucks she has about him being an all powerful ancient creature of the night who can murder her in a heartbeat, the funnier it is. She is just soo casual about it. Comedy gold, i tell ya. i mean, this is actually part of the narrative, Edward comments on it, meyer knows what she wrote.

Ed,maybe is you stopped saying she smells good, you would be better at not thinking about her as food. Mind over matter. Just a thought. Maybe i misjudged his virgin ass. Maybe ed the incel actually fell in love with her. Or at least what he thinks is love since they’ve been dating for like two days (look who’s talking?the girl who reads any sign of affection as a statement of love and then gets disappointed).

“Emmett could never be compared to a gazelle”. That’s sexist steph. Emmett, honey, you are as gracious as you want to be.

Also a big yaaaas on the whole concept of vampire baseball. we needed more of it.

Plot! Plot! Plot! Plot! Plot!

We have encountered plot. Only 320 pages in. three bad vampires came into town.

Story time: when i was in high school, all like 20 of us in out class were really, really into twilight (dudes included). we quoted it all the time but the height of comedy happened when someone brought their friend from another school to out class and someone else was like “you brought a snack” and a meme was born to be quoted endlessly for months. it was actually kinda fun. and probably very annoying for anyone who wasn’t into twilight.

Also, any development? Backstory? Motivations other than for the hell of it for out boi James and his ginger girlfriend? come on, it wouldn’t even be that hard. Also, some foreshadowing? There was like one line before. This is a legitimate criticism. it’s kinda shitty writing and a wasted opportunity.

Edward is being a dick again. I get he’s scared but her dad could die. Or maybe they’ll trun him into a vampire too (charlie/Edward? Think about it). But they all call him out on it which is nice. Bella’s plan isn’t bad, but “let me go charlie” is the straight up coldest thing i have read in a long time. it’s supposed to be, this isn’t criticism, just stating the obvious. But she showed like an inclining of love for her dad who has been nothing but nice all this time. Yeeey, she’s not a robot.

“It was the best idea. Of course it was mine” . Yaas, queen, you’re not that much of a doormat;  take that credit.

i would do something to foreshadow the ballet studio thing in the first half of the book. at least, have Bella or Charlie looking at pictures from her recital, just to intricate it to the plot a bit more.

Ok, now i remember why i was team jasper. He is so effing nice. And he would be awesome for my depression. Neira/Alice/jasper, i ship it.

i’m kinda digging the explanations of how vampires work and the whole venom thing. They are still op af and need to be nerfed, but i wanna be one.

Of course, he used the mom. She’s like the only person bella actually cares about. She falls for it. i would probably fall too, but i’m dumb.

the fact that james hunted Alice is a nice and a very much needed twist. it did catch me of guard. i would be more mad he’s a bad guy monologing, but i can only introduce stones to my own glass houses.

Bella’s now more into the idea of being a vampire than into Edward and i’m living for it. she’s going to use him for his venom and a baby and run off with rosalie.

“and how many times did she fall our of a window?” (yes, that is a Sherlock reference in the year 2018 of our lord. maybe i should do that for my next project. should i wait a few more years?)

her mom is not worried enough, honestly. my mom would be freaking out. but my mom has anxiety issues, so idk… (i couldn’t get her smooth hairless legs, or her blue eyes but i got that gene. thanks, i guess) .

“And i have a couple of girlfriends” now that’s a novel i want to read but i guess i’ll have to write the lesbian twilight myself.

“I want to be superman too”. yeeees, finally, kristen steward in the role of superman casting of the century. you would all watch it and love it, and you know it.

Charlie doesn’t deserve this shit. when will he retire with his husband billy in their cabin where they can fish all day.

“Do you want me to bolt the door so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?“ Are we sure she hasn’t been a vampire from day one?

Jacob is a sweetie (for now) just putting that out there.

Edward is kinda being unreasonable. being a vampire in your universe isn’t that bad.

Aaaaw, and that’s a wrap.

i actually kinda digged it. it’s nothing special, but i read these last 150 pages in one sitting. my main issues are writing oriented. very little foreshadowing, many filter words and things like that, but i guess if you aren’t that into writing, you might not even notice more of that.

it’s not the death of literature, it’s not the worst love story ever told. it’s just a silly and mostly harmless wish fulfillment novel.

edward can be a controlling and condescending prick but he gets called out on it very often. it’s not like meyer is completely oblivious to what she’s writing. and even tho he’s 100, i guess they are all mostly stuck mentally at the age when they were turned. or at least that’s how it seems to me. bella is kind of a bitch to everyone who’s not a vampire and she’s never called out on it, there’s a glimpse of change in the epilogue, but i don’t think meyer really considered it a character flaw. which is a shame, as it could have made for an interesting character. all the vampires have stories i would rather read about, as i said before, but what can ya do? that’s what’s fanfics are for.

i may write more of cohesive thought on it when it settles in my brain, but first, i need to watch the movie. i have a hypothesis i need to test.

but i don’t regret doing this. it was kinda fun and now i’m no longer ashamed of my twihard phrase. i could have done worse, as far as teen phases go.

Someone should like write a fanfic, but Edward is not a vampire, but a rich guy. And he’s into some hard core spanky business. And they should take all the problematic elements and just crank them up to 11. And add a looot of sex. I bet they could make millions.

Tho, honestly, how can you read twilight and not make bella the kinky dom? you fundamentally misunderstood the story. for shame

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON XLNC’S MAIN VOCAL, RHYTHM GUITAR LEE YEONGSHIK…

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: King CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 22 indie / 24 at KJH TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 21 COMPANY: KJH ETC: This member is involved with producing

IDOL IMAGE

“Aren’t you that kid from Hongdae?“ “Wait! He’s the guy that got kicked out of KJH!”

The frequency in which Yeongshik performed on the streets of Pohang and Seoul would certainly not go unnoticed. However, that does not mean he was popular or successful. In fact, any pre-debut images or videos of him on the internet cater more to his looks than his performance ability. Since his official debut as a member of XLNC, some of those images have resurfaced. KJH uses those pieces of media as a means to paint him as XLNC’s King: a passionate hard-working young man who is trying to redeem himself within the idol industry, and with a dream to change the idol music industry for the better.

KJH knew that asking Yeongshik to alter or fabricate a persona for the sake of the band would be more trouble than what it would be worth. Instead, they decided to use his troublesome trainee past, self-important personality in juxtaposition with his tenderness for fans, and a hard-working Northern Geoyongsan country-boy past to push a “tsundere” image. While some of the members were given the permission to keep their own names, KJH felt that if they kept Yeongshik’s very old-sounding name, it would not be easy to market to the younger generations. Instead, the company decided to take his calloused image in contrast with his love for his fans and gave Yeongshik the stage name “Young King” using the “Y” and “K” in his name, but later decided to shorten it to “King”.

KJH has given him permission to openly discuss his past life experiences, even that of his time in KJH if only for it to make the company shine brighter for mercifully allowing the poor misguided youth to return with all quandaries forgiven.

“But you never wanted to be an idol. That’s why you left KJH before, right? So why the sudden change of heart?”

When asked in their earlier interviews what changed his mind about being an idol, his answer is always very frank and honest: the support from fans. Whenever XLNC’s fans, XL-ENTs are brought into the interviews, King cannot help but become soft and a little emotional. He also admits that the hard-working attitude of his fellow members inspires him and keeps him accountable. KJH thrives off of this genuine part of his personality as a means to market his ‘calloused but softening heart’. Very rarely will King ever openly discuss his relationship with the company outside of expressing his gratitude for their resources. However, he has yet to publicly thank them for “saving his band from disappearing”.

“He’s the strong silent type.”

On stage, King exudes confidence and passion behind his guitar and his husky singing voice. However, the second a camera pans in his direction, his newly-discovered case of stage-fright causes him to close his eyes for the majority of the performance. When asked about it, or teased about it on variety shows and interviews, he tries to make jokes about him trying to appear more passionate. However, producers and bandmates find frustrating and annoying when they are trying to film. A lot of apologies are made throughout pre-recording and filming. Some of his fans try to defend him as they see it as a small peek to the softer core of his personality and the “true” Lee Yeongshik.

Generally for interviews and variety shows, the members of XLNC are given leniency as to how they are allowed to act. King willingly developed the persona of being the “black hole” of the group when it comes to variety. It seemed to come naturally with the group’s obvious emotional distance with King and Kings’ general lack of tact and awkwardness in front of a camera. He doesn’t know where to stand, how to stand, which camera to look at, and actually stare at the camera and not meander his eyes elsewhere. The few times that he does talk it usually involves his knowledge of music and fish– at which point it’s nearly impossible to get him to shut up. This has become the butt of many variety jokes and even further decorated his strange variety persona. He has opted to take an even further step back on more recent variety shows and silently encourages his members to be the star variety personalities. However, when it comes to playing games or physical activities on variety shows, he’s suddenly very involved and excited!

“We love ourselves a thoughtful King!”

With their fanbase in Korea, Yeongshik does what he can to support the people that have supported them. He likes to organize small gifts for the few fans that come to their events (usually using money out of his own pocket). At fansigns and fan meets he is very kind to fans, but in a very genuine way that often shocks the fans and the company. He hates acting cute for the sake of being cute and calmly refuses to do aegyo with a tight smile. Even though he likes to treat his fans with care, he also maintains a professional and conservative distance from them. For example, if fans try to act too familiar he gently tries to set them straight. Or if fans try to confess their love to him, he gently turns them down. His unwillingness to conform to these usual idol roles, while being completely within the bounds of his real personality, further feeds into the image that the company has carved for him.

When it comes to interacting with international fans, King absolutely cannot do English. He didn’t study it at all in high school, and can only introduce himself and his role within the band simply because the company forced him to memorize it. His pronunciation is hardly inteligible and he makes no effort to try and improve. This aggravates some of their international fans, but King has no problem playfully shrugging it off and insists that he’s simply not smart enough for English. He has made an effort to study beginner level Japanese before their promotions in Japan and is able to write in Hiragana and Katakana on his social media pages.

“Which member are you the closest to?”

Suffice it to say that the members’ relationship with their main vocalist is rocky at best. Despite sticking through the debut, Yeongshik’s impulsive and selfish behaviour has been the cause of a lot of discomfort and awkwardness between the members. While he apologized for his past behaviour, and is currently making efforts to prove to his band mates that he is here to stay, the process is hard and grueling. The 25 year old, who has always been an independent lone-wolf, is now struggling to learn what it means to become part of a team; and while he doesn’t want to falsely force himself on the others, he is trying to do what he can in private and in the eyes of the public to show his appreciation and support to them.

In their behind-the-scenes footage on their group’s Youtube or live channels, King is more off-to-the-side and observant rather than participating in antics with his members. A lot of fans at the beginning of their debut interpreted this as him trying to appear “mature”, when in reality, he just hadn’t developed that level of closeness with his members. However, as time has worn on, King makes a little more effort to participate in videos with his members usually as the victim of their antics as he is often caught asleep on camera.

On his personal Youtube channel, King tends to primarily share covers of songs that he enjoys. The company allowed for this as a means for him to "release” the rock-side of him that gets repressed form the music he’s forced to do professionally. He has recently started to do reviews of music that has been released within the idol industry (again) as a means to develop a stronger understanding of the genres that he generally wouldn’t listen to. Of course, these videos are heavily edited and reviewed and monitored by KJH. He has asked permission from his company to have guest idols show up on his channel during these reviews to give more insight on the music, and, in the eyes of their respective companies, build partnerships and mutual advertisement opportunities.

Shortly before debut, he opened a Twitter and Instagram account to document his journey within XLNC and to interact with fans and other celebrities within the industry. On Twitter he often writes to his fans expressing his thanks, spams the promotional music show hashtag and shares snapshots of him working. On Instagram, King rarely posts pictures of himself, much to the disappointment of his fans. However, he often does live videos where he will do monitored Q&As, or will share sneak peaks of the latest Youtube video that he’s working on.

“You call yourself a King? Disgusting! Throw yourself back under the rock you came from, Faker!”

Despite his active online presence, hard-working image and rapport with fans and a handful of idols, there is a lot of negativity that still needs to be filtered. There are a handful of XL-ENT fans, as well as aggressive anti-fans that leave hateful comments on his social media pages. Some of these anti-fans suspect that something may have happened before their debut with KJH, given the sudden lack of closeness and chemistry between him and the other members. Some even go so far as to blame King for XLNC’s lack of success and popularity within the idol industry. For now, Yeongshik has been able to maturely avoid lashing out at these fans. But given his impulsive past, KJH is constantly on edge and have been trying to filter out those hateful comments.

IDOL HISTORY

1994 – Born in Pohang 2012 (Age 18) – Tried to promote independently in Pohang while working for his parents. 2013 (Age 19) – Moved to Seoul. 2014 (Age 20) – Tried to promote independently in Hongdae 2014-2015 (Age 21) – Applied and accepted as a trainee at KJH, but was kicked out; started his Youtube channel 2015-2016 (Age 22) – Successfully picked up by an indie-laebl; debuted with XLNC 2018 (Age 24) – XLNC signed with KJH; King threatened to leave the group, but ultimately decided to remain with the group

The Boy Who Would Be King:

Born in the popular port city of Pohang to a fisherman and his wife, Lee Yeongshik spent his entire life by open beaches and bringing his father’s catch to his mother’s stall in the famous Jukdo Market. Music was always tightly woven into Yeongshik’s life: from the music his father would sing while at sea, to the music played on television and radio. But nothing struck his heartstrings or energized him more than that of the rock bands Nell and YB (then known as Yoo Do-Hyun Band).

During his elementary and early high school years he would write lyrics about his life at school or the life of a fisherman’s son, and would remix these lyrics into his favourite existing songs or adjust the composition slightly. While in school, all of his efforts were put into his music classes. He learned how to read sheet music and how to play basic piano. As many teenagers his age tend to do, he challenged social constructs and would write poems or quirky songs that mocked the school system. More than once, his antics caused him some form of detention or other forms of acceptable punishment from his teachers.

For his birthday during his second year of high school, his parents gifted him with a second-hand guitar. Between work in the early morning, school throughout the day and remedial school during most of the early evening, the majority of his free time was spent learning how to play his guitar. Predictably, his grades began to slip and his parents encouraged him to find a tutor: a senior from his school. She appealed to his creativity and was able to make learning fun for him again, and he suddenly felt as though he could understand the meaning to the love songs he had been listening to most of his life. His mind wandered throughout the day at work, school and even tutoring to develop the perfect song to confess his love. When he was finally confident and proud of his creation and performed it to her, his feelings were not reciprocated and weren’t treated seriously. The broken-hearted boy immediately became jaded and bitter and deliberately filtered romance from his life entirely. Any confessions he received were met with cruel shutdowns. The once class-clown became the introverted, crass and outspoken loner.

The Call to Adventure:

As graduation drew near, he and his parents struggled to find a direction for Yeongshik’s future. Between a serious lack of financial security and Yeongshik’s terrible high school grades, post-secondary school simply was not an option. His parents knew he wouldn’t be happy taking over their business so they suggested that he try to pursue music. After graduating by the skin of his teeth, he worked for his parents in the morning and spent his afternoons and evenings busking on the busy streets of Pohang where tourism was the thickest. He would hit the markets and the beaches during the summer, and deeper into the city inside of bus and train stations during the winter. His music was a mix of his own prose as well as remixed covers of existing rock songs. Once he had made enough money, he moved to Seoul to live with his father’s estranged brother.

Yeongshik’s uncle was rarely home and made no effort to manage his small apartment to accommodate his guest. Yeongshik felt more than uncomfortable with his uncle, and would only go home long enough to bathe, sleep and occasionally eat the food his parents sent them. The rest of his days were spent busking in the afternoons and working in convenience stores in the late evenings and early mornings. He attended as many local indie rock events as he could afford, and even attempted to audition to perform. However, as a very young and  inexperienced soloist, gigs were impossible to come by. One of the venue owners suggested that he apply to an idol company if only to utilize their connections and resources. “You have the face and the voice to get in. Make the most of it and go.”

The Refusal:

Feeling desperate, Yeongshik looked into each of the top tier companies within the industry and felt that KJH was the best fit, as they were well known for their artistic freedom and generally produced high-quality music as was proven with the debut of Atlas. KJH told him to leave his guitar at home and to come to vocal lessons and idol training. The vocal lessons were certainly helpful and it was here that he really seemed to excel and was praised for the unique husky and deep quality of his voice that was absent in most current idol groups. Here he learned how to control his voice more and began to push the limits of his overall range. However, his dancing lessons were an entirely different story. His entire artistic career had been behind the security of a guitar and never before had he ever tried to do any kind of dance. His lack of skill and very vocal stubborn unwillingness to learn marked him as a trainee with a poor attitude. His poor attendance for both dance and idol behavioural lessons had him threatened to be kicked out of the company. Yeongshik decided that his pride and integrity as a rock artist was worth more than the resources that KJH had to offer, so during his final review and threat to be kicked out of the company, Yeongshik uncouthly vocalized his desire to quit and dropped out of the company. Even though Yeongshik’s connections and friendships within KJH were very few (given his aloof personality), he didn’t realize just how badly he had burned some of those bridges. Rumours spread like wildfire about his poor attitude and laziness as an idol.

Meeting the Mentor:

Once again, Yeongshik returned to busking on the streets of Hongdae. During this time he had decided to open up a Youtube account to hopefully reach a broader audience. With his uncle rarely home, he had the ample quiet space to work and record. His channel featured some of his best street-performances as well as recordings in the apartment of songs he wanted to share in higher quality. The comments in his videos were met with a mixture of praises and firey insults from those who had heard about his departure from KJH. Any of his rock covers that featured Atlas’ songs or any idol group were immediately flagged and reported by his ever aggressive antis, and at that point he decided to abandon the idea of gaining views with pop-covers and became a fully-fledged rock cover artist while sharing a few snippets of his own lyricless compositions.

After some time, he was approached by a familiar-looking representative of an indie-label that Yeongshik had attempted to audition for during his first few months in Seoul. The agent had said that with his talent with a guitar and husky voice, he would make a great candidate for their new band that they were hoping to debut in the following year. Yeongshik immediately agreed to participate in the audition for the band. He wasn’t even remotely hurt by the fact he had gone unrecognized by the agent. He was ready now and that was all that mattered.

Upon his arrival, the judges were very quick to praise him for his perseverance in trying to make it in the industry both on the streets and online. They also complimented him on his improved vocals and talent with his guitar. However, his reputation with KJH had left a very dark mark on his resume. They still presented him the opportunity to audition and after hearing him sing a cover and then share one of his own compositions with his guitar, they decided that they would allow him to join the other candidates for the band to test his chemistry and work ethic.

When he was introduced to the other members of the band that were present at the time, he found that they were already quite close to each other. Yeongshik visibly struggled to make an effort to connect with the other members, though not because he didn’t want to. The musician had been so engrossed with his own personal success that he had never had to consider the thoughts and opinions of others before this moment. However, gradually over time he started to open up a little more and was more approachable. His rough Kyungsan-do exterior and accent still painted him out to be aloof and unfriendly, but his bandmates started to understand him a little more and eventually their openness began to reflect in their chemistry when practicing and training together.

Crossing The Threshold:

The following 2 years were a trying but glorious time for XLNC. Their fanbase was small, but they were undoubtedly recognized for their talents within their small indie empire. With their constant performances and appearances around the country, Yeongshik’s Youtube presence started to dwindle due to a lack of time to edit his videos and was focusing more on producing. He adopted instagram and while he didn’t necessarily post many pictures, he would use the platform for live streams to openly interact with fans. Yeongshik’s relationship with his fellow band members seemed to solidify itself a little more. He was still the strong silent type, or the type that said a little too much at the wrong time. The lifestyles of the other members were very different from his own– but all was forgotten and forgiven the second the group was behind their instruments.

Ordeal, Death and Rebirth:

As luck would have it, the indie-label was unable to financially keep themselves stable and they presented XLNC the opportunity to sign with KJH. With the skyrocketing success of Atlas and rise of Jawbreaker, Yeongshik theorized that the indies’ fall was entirely KJH’s fault; that the idol company had bought out the indie-label in order to easily acquire what success XLNC had built on their own. Yeongshik spared no one’s feelings when he told his bandmates about what he had experienced in KJH and threatened to leave the band if they agreed to join KJH. The company was more than familiar with Yeongshik’s explosive nature and had come prepared with the proposition of producing opportunities, unlimited resources and higher quality marketing to reach a broader audience. They allowed him time to think it over before officially signing on with the rest of the group. Eventually, after a few long arguments with his band members that lasted late into the night, Yeongshik begrudgingly agreed to sign with the the rest of the group.

KJH spared no expense in milking the purchase of an indie group and they were even more excited to promote their edgy rebirth into the idol industry. Yeongshik was renamed King, much to his disdain, and while he was given production rights he had no where near the freedom that they had allegedly promised. Each of his creations were immediately shot down and rejected claiming that they didn’t fit the new image and that he needed to try harder. There was little to no support given to him from other people within the company as they all took this opportunity to extract their revenge on his poor behaviour in the past. His bandmates held a grudge against him not only for his past that was affecting their future opportunities within KJH, but they were also still very burned by his threat to leave the group.

King began to relapse back into himself again and kept himself busy by reopening his Youtube account. It is tightly monitored by the company and a few videos were forced to be removed because of whatever excuses they decided to throw at him. He was lucky enough to have been given the option to turn his instagram account private and opened a new one under KJH’s strict supervision. His anti-fanbase resurfaced, angrier than ever at Yeongshik’s return to KJH. The company was kind enough to take on the task of constantly monitoring his accounts to try and remove as many of the death threats as possible, but it didn’t stop fueling the anger and disappointment within the musician.

Reward and Seizing the Sword:

While things are still rough now within the company, a year after their debut under KJH, King was able to acquire a few small victories. His first victory was in finally receiving his first production credit for the song ‘Still’. With KJH dangling their carrot of production credits in front of his face, and giving him the occasional pat on the head for his good behaviour, King’s temper and bitterness began to simmer. He grew to realize that he had no one to share these victories with. He longed for the days when he and his bandmates had good chemistry on stage and were able to actually stand being together and share in their victories. After opening up to one of the few seniors he knew within the industry, at their suggestion he began to slowly attempt to mend his relationship with his bandmates and other idols within KJH. It’s far from perfect, but the effort he’s putting in has some people scratching their heads and wondering if it’s worth giving him a second chance. KJH suggested that he start opening up his cover projects to feature other artists as a means to share promotions for each other, while they secretly hoped it would paint him in a brighter and more idol-friendly image.

[pinknerdpanda]

Stardust and Sleepless Nights

Word Count: 1102

Characters: Sam x Reader, Dean (mentioned)

Warnings: Fluff, innuendos, language, blushing Sam

A/N: This was a random thought I had at work today while watching this video. Also...this was supposed to be a drabble. :)

Beta’d By: @wheresthekillswitch and @hannahindie you are both wonderful!!

x

Stardust and Sleepless Nights

Insomnia is a raging bitch.

Every night for the last six weeks I've woken up, without fail, between 2:07 and 2:21 in the morning. And every night I get up, shuffle to the bathroom, grab a small glass of water and go back to my bed. Honestly? It's probably pretty normal for some people. Except I imagine most people don't spend the next 4 hours staring at their ceiling completely unable to go back to sleep.

I've tried everything I can think of: going to bed earlier, later, taking melatonin, counting sheep, warm milk. I haven't taken up Dean's very Dean-like suggestion of porn, but at this point I'm almost ready to give it a shot.

Frustrated, tired and annoyed, I throw back the covers, unwilling to let the night be a complete waste. There’s probably a gun that needs cleaning or book that needs to be re-cataloged. I rake my fingers through my hair, twisting it angrily into a messy bun on top of my head. I have come so near to chopping it all off lately, but every time I find a reason to keep it. Slipping on my robe over my pajamas, I make my way to the door, grumbling as I step into the hall.

The bunker is quiet; well, as quiet as it gets anyway. There always seems to be some sort of low humming frequency that fills in the cracks where there should be silence. I’ve always assumed it’s the antiquated generators and computer systems still chugging along to keep the place in working order. I don’t mind it, really. It’s kind of a comforting white noise that I’ve come to count on, especially since this insomnia nonsense kicked in.

“You wanna make sure you go really deep in there.”

The words from the other side of Sam's door stop me in my tracks. I hadn’t even realized I’d made it this far down the hallway. I double check the the large, wooden panelled door and the aged bronze numbers confirm my original suspicions; 21. Definitely Sam’s room.

“You don’t want to penetrate her from both sides,” the voice - one definitely not belonging to the hazel-eyed man - insists. “You’ve really gotta get in there all the way.”

Now, I love Sam. I do. But this is a side of him that I would have been completely ok with never knowing. And yet, here I am, lurking outside his door, like a creep mortified to have overheard...whatever it is I’ve overheard. Things like this cannot be undone. I will never not look at him and hear those words again.

“Oh yeah, look at that. Let me spin her around, give you a real good look,” the voice says. That’s all I can handle. I spin on my heel and head straight back from where I came. Staring at my ceiling has to be better than this. Except, evidently, my sleep deprived brain is bad at depth perception and I manage to crash into the wall instead.

“Shit,” Sam’s voice is muffled, but his surprise is clear and I hear a lot of clattering. Before I can recover and continue back to my room, the door opens with a creak behind me.

“Y/n?”

I grimace before turning around. I really didn’t want to face him tomorrow at breakfast, much less now. I plaster an embarrassed smile on my face and turn to face him. The light from the room behind him casts his features in shadow, but I can tell by the white of his eyes, the embarrassment goes both ways. Busted.

“Heya, Sam. Sorry I uh...you know...woke you,” I gulp.

“I was up actually. I’ve been having trouble sleeping,” he leans against the door frame and crosses his arms. The grey t-shirt he’s wearing is stretched over his large chest and muscular arms. I gulp again.

“I guess Dean’s been giving you advice to cure your insomnia too,” I mumble half under my breath.

“What?” Sam’s tone is genuinely confused for a moment and then realization strikes. “Wait, the porn thing!?!? No! That’s not...I wasn’t…”

Holding up my hands and dropping my eyes to the floor, I cut him off. “Hey man, no judgement. You do you...I’ll just go the other way next time.”

Sam laughs and it’s beautiful. His whole body shakes and I realize it’s a sight I don’t see often enough. It makes me happy.

“No….that’s not…” he gasps between chuckles. “Come here. I’ll show you.” He steps back, making space for me to come inside.

I narrow my eyes, staring at him warily. He sobers slightly.

“There’s no porn. I promise.”

I huff a breath and follow him inside. His room is clean and organized and it smells like Sam. He sits on his bed and turns his computer toward me. I flinch impulsively and he chuckles again.

I glance at the screen and find a paused Youtube video titled “The Stardust Technique.”

Sam leans over and taps the spacebar, resuming the video, a small smile playing at his lips.

“So you just want to take this next section and paint the lightener on the inside of each section. Really get it in there and feather it in toward the bottom.” The voice from before narrates as a man with black and silver hair proceeds to paint a women’s hair. I look up at Sam, more confused than before.

“His name is Guy Tang. He’s a hair stylist and he does lots of tutorial videos,” Sam offers, his gaze fixed on the screen as the man takes another section of hair and continues painting.

“Sam, if the idea here was to raise more questions than answers, I think you’ve succeeded.”

Sam smiles, pausing the video again. “I know you were talking about wanting to get your hair cut the other day and I thought maybe if I found some videos and taught myself how…” Sam trails off.

“You’re teaching yourself to cut hair for me?” My voice has reached new levels of incredulity.

Sam blushes, dropping his gaze. “Well, I mean...I guess so.”

“That’s so nice.” I can’t keep the stupid grin from my lips. “But this looks like highlights.”

Sam’s eyes light up. ��It’s balayage or handpainted highlights. It’s really popular right now and he has a ton of different techniques…” Sam blushes again. “I kinda got lost in a black hole of Youtube videos.”

“Thank you, Sam.” I smile broadly for a moment, but it falters. “But I really thought you were watching porn.”

Sam chuckles, his eyes twinkling. “Just hair porn.”

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[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #2

2.Disconnected/ Dissociation/ Depersonalisation / Darkness

Most days I'm not sure that I would choose to look after me... I would like to give up and scream.

consistent healing with mental health is the most frustrating thing. like how do you justify yourself to the people getting annoyed at you for your tics when you barely even know what a tic is and why you’re doing what you’re doing? people never believe your explanations, or it would take them studying you to see the reality of the depth of suffering, why I’m doing these annoying things and it is hard to explain. I can’t say that I can’t control it because that’s not completely true- it’s not like a muscle spasm completely out of control, its more of an impulse a bit like OCD behaviour. My brain follows mental patterns n finds it difficult to not get out of the cycle. its like scratching at a mosquito bite where yeah technically you can just not scratch it but it feels agonising not to and takes all your concentration not to do.

I’ve been more uncomfortable with the idea of being a person lately. i can’t conceptualise time so I get this feeling sometimes where its like , I hate the fact that I’m a person and I exist and it usually makes me super confused & I go into a misty state of mind where everything feels like it’s piling up leaving me anxious n too deep & I just feel too disconnected from everything. I feel lost when I look at my limbs; they grow heavier.

I personally try to spend as little time looking in the mirror as possible because it can be a big trigger for my dissociation. but taking pictures of my day/ what I’ve eaten helps me remember i have been present in the long run. This is why I have a complex relationship with social media, sometimes when I go on it I get depressed even though I want to be active. I cope by only looking in the mirror with other people there or when I have a specific reason to. It’s like I know my soul but my physical form confuses me.

I don’t even tell my friends I’m dissociating any more cause it’s just,, a given. I feel really embarrassingly bad. It’s one of the few things with my mental health that I try and minimise and hide from my friends- but I end up hiding myself as a whole, when my soul wants to be present but my body doesn’t know how to comply. I’m really sorry people have to deal with that, it’s so scary to be disconnected.

it’s annoying to have sucky mental health cos even when I want to get help I get embarrassed & feel ashamed that my brain is the way it is. I feel like a burden, or I don’t care enough about myself to believe I deserve help & to be healthy & mentally okay. I often realise the depth of self hate & my brain tells me I’d be better off dead. 

I feel forced to engage in ‘the caste system of life’ . As humans were just expected to ‘keep calm and carry on’ but I’m genuinely tired. I can’t grasp that I ever used to work 2 jobs in a day at one point, I can’t grasp how. I feel an immense amount of distress about having to work in these times too, it’s like finally my mental is free to roam to whichever corner it deserves to feel peace without having to mask at all times, finally I get some extra time to organise my journals and paint & we’re actually still being made to feel obligated to go about our days as if everything is normal, while being tuned into a fear frequency. I feel like so many things are obfuscated with absolute lies & it’s hard to go on just because you have to but not cos you actually desire it.

I’m a great worker & communicator when I do have the energy, but I don’t have any dream job because I don’t dream to slave away to a capitalist system that perpetuates all kind of nonsense, i dream to dismantle it. Which I know I can’t do, so then I feel powerless, insignificant & small. for now I just can’t be arsed doing anything. maybe deep down I still have hope.

I’ve become more pessimistic that optimistic,I receive these death threats from my brain too In really dumb moments, & I’m like oh my gosh we have to just keep washing dishes & putting them away & putting more food in them & doing this over & over until we die. 

I am someone that needs people but I have these silly built in coping mechanism. it’s like this character in my brain needs to hop to the recharge centre,it often wants to hide in my mental cavern of preservation because it feels like it’s disconnected from everything else. like how is everyone holding up jobs or education ? how will I be able to have all these good times & spoil my family & friends like I want to, if I can’t hold up a job ? why can’t my head not be such a bloody mess & why can’t I seem to conform to normality ??? My brain starts asking the questions, my brain starts caving away. 

Even a long time ago my brain stopped planning for a future past 30 because of my individual situation & traumas, and mainly because the world is a horrible illusion once you grow & realise how truly powerless & insignificant it makes you feel. dissociation turns my memories into flat, unconvincing shadows.

thankfully I haven’t gave up & I’m still here with a bit more of a desire to go on- but only because of the inspiring creative loving caring people that surround me. over the years I’ve come across marvellous souls & I have the most beautiful family I could ever ask for. i would never want to seem ungrateful. I know the whole saying of ‘silence speaks volumes’ but as someone who’s always felt like they need to explain themselves for their entire life, I’ve learned that sometimes silence is necessary, to be able to fully be yourself & uplift the people in your life, you need to learn how to be comfortable & confident with your own self. I’m washing away my Shame and painting my shell shiny y’all!!!! Soon come you’ll see the armour I’ve been working on in the flesh.

My silences are not done in a sense of ‘I need to work on me only & FIRST, THEN I can worry about you’ but a ‘I’ve never put myself first & ALSO need to worry about me the way I worry about you I want all of us to eat together, I just don’t wanna be that friend that feels like they’re holding people back from doing things because I’m on pause. and of course there’s the fact that compromise is necessary to make friendships work, I want to make time & be present. 

I don’t feel obligated(I genuinely do want to be there) but in my head for things to run smoothly for everyone’s sake there needs to be consistency(I don’t wanna lose the people I love & want to grow with them) but someone said to me consistency is just obligation sprinkled. and sometimes it just be like that, I hate how all my messages start with ‘so sorry for these late replies’ I hate it. the people pleaser always feels the need to explain but i feel bad because I feel like I’ve let them down already & that I didn’t intend or want to ignore them I just have a terrible relationship with my phone,social media & I’m one of the worst communicators I know, even though In person & in a comfortable atmosphere-I’m someone who can speak for the whole of both Scotland and Tanzania. I have a very all or nothing type brain.

most time I’m restless too and its like..i get hyper aware of all my surroundings and its really scary and emotional for a little bit but then i just start dissociating hella and it sucks ,, it’s become a normal state of mind or thing my brain does to sort of reject humanity and stuff & when I do ‘zone out’ there has to be a sense of awareness in my brain, I care a lot & I’m aware that those on the other side will feel left the dark from the other end.

I just get embarrassed n I don’t wanna ‘be the fuck up’ even though my brain actively just keeps doing it. I’m not even exaggerating sometimes the anxiety builds up because some eedyat from my past that I wanted to avoid messages me. or because I can’t reply to all my people at once. (I have people & connects from Tanzania, Turkey & Scotland) so my messages will pile up & then I don’t know how to start the replies & then I freak out & feel like a failed shitty friend, I also don’t wanna be selective because I WANT to speak & hear from everyone I do maintain contact with, but then my brain dissociates.

sexual abuse, physical & narcissistic abuse sucks. It doesn’t control me - but it’s shaped a part of my brain. for the time’s I’ve had to ‘cope’ & go to work as if everything is okay, further masking. the times as a kid I felt like I’d get punishment or a beating for answering back or doing something or being disobedient or ‘wrong’, it fuelled my ability at being able to mask more. I could lie for as long as I could so remember thanks to pedo paul- he also distorted & lured me into feeling easy & comfortable in highly alarming uncomfortable scenarios no child should ever have to experience.

being myself fully, feeling comfortable to be myself & explain my brain has never been easy.

another example that also made me be able to mask, is growing up in a ‘perfect’ looking family with much more dysfunction than I realised the older I aged. there isn’t necessarily a lack of connection in my family-we have a lot of love & togetherness, we know how to be a team. we’re a fast & fierce intelligent,compassionate bunch & I’m thankful enough to have 2 very understanding parents that will listen..I could’ve spoken to them about certain things earlier, I wish I did but I can’t go back. I forgive & hope they forgive me for there were still years where I felt judged, or like I’d be disowned.

I think it’s invalidating for parents to write off the so called ‘teen phase’ phase as the result of hormones and irrational teenage anger.

We now have more of a relationship yet there’s still that disconnect or connect only when I’m communicating with one of them at a time (depending on the subject matter/ setting).i can still chill with them both but sometimes chat feels forced. they have given me the reassurance that I’ll never be judged with what I share. Though at one point I felt (or in my head) like the downer child, they did project feelings of shame which I think stemmed from a ‘place of concern’ - and that was due to a lack of familial friendship. Both my parents were made to be parents & did a damn good job at raising us because despite the flaws. we remain tough, empathetic, polite,sensible, witty, charming, fun, respectable & decent which are all qualities from both of their seed.

I think they both deserved different loves or a more open one. because you see it sometimes felt they could’ve put their parent badge aside and talk to me like a friend, I’m not sure if all my siblings felt the same but I did. I’m also thankful for all the lessons & can’t discount my parents parenting, they are great. I’m not saying they failed, I just think that if you want your child to communicate with you, there needs to be a sense of comfort ability for them to be able to open up. If you force them to speak while you’ve ingrained fear, you end up pushing them further away. I guess to an extent the whole ‘ingrain’ fear into your child so they can respect you does work, but this creates sneakier children too- finding ways to get away with things because they’re worried you’ll get them in trouble for doing so. so if the communication lessens as the child grows, it’s because they didn’t feel understood, despite being listened to. Anyways I love my family still, I’m just an over thinker & sometimes I feel like there’s a lack of soul level conversation & genuine laughter. there’s grudges held but not expressed so then the atmosphere of the household begins to feel stuffy. whether or not everyone realises it, whether it’s because different personality types clash in the house, a bunch of reasons perhaps. But yeah in terms of dissociating & tying masking into it, it would happen whenever I felt in danger or like someone would think i was not good enough and hurt me. 

sometimes I can be dry & just wanna listen to my peoples. but I feel like I always need to talk because of my people pleaser brain that also feels the need to fill in silences or feels rude when it doesn’t respond but the reality is sometimes my brain doesn’t allow me to be able to be consistent with social media, messaging, calls etc- I have a disconnect from social media even tho part of me loves the concept so much & the communication aspect is such a bonus (especially with international friends & family£ in turn my life feels like a dramatic podcast. for a while now there’s been more a mentally tired feeling that reigns over my brain, it all just gets a bit blurry so I have this habit of ‘checking out’ when I feel like I’m under stress & there’s a chance of more overloaded- it sort of makes my brain disengage even more. for some people reality checks help, for others they make things worse. personally when I don’t feel good enough I start convincing myself I already failed & that I’m not worthy of my family n friends & all that yap, the brain mould grows!! whenever stress arises or my awkward brain starts conspiring against itself- the zone out will begin.

I don't even realise the weight of my words, how serious and ugly it is. I am floating around. for years. I don't remember what feeling real is like. I feel like everything is fake and even though I matter I’m unimportant until I wear my skin of confidence & the that life is a game. I want to be able to feel like a normal person and believe myself, to believe that life isn’t a dream. I can't. I am just floating all the time. I just want to feel real for once and not so fake.

I do use listening to music or a podcast as a coping strategy so i have something engaging for my brain to focus on. music grounds me when de realisation gets really bad. but then there’s always knowing that more and more is just piling up. It’s like an outer body experience where you’re watching your lifeless body turn blue & there’s a timer with spilling sand but you’re frozen.

I feel this pattern from childhood of escapism is gash coming into adulthood, feeling everything so intensely can genuinely get overwhelming my heart feels like a racing car. I’m keen & determined though. I’m hopefully going to learn more about the brain, human impulses, how we think, because learning about humans helps me understand why I do things more, and that sort of seems to help. I wanna be strong enough for the people I love, I want to support them in tough times too I just don’t always have conversations- I’m sorry. being half there isn’t nice,neither fun.

I also keep thinking there’s some bigger /thing/ Reason for the universe, maybe waiting for the aliens or government to blow us up with the push of a button lol. I spend more time thinking about the afterlife but don’t do enough in my present one. most days I feel like life is a game boy. Is there a reason why everyone does what they do etc? Is society too dead to mend ? Remembering that it’s just the laws of the universe (human instinct, physics) controlling everything can help me. The master key system helps. Vsauce Thoughty2, Dr Phil Valentine and Brother Panic, Infinite waters,studying, art, music & generally scrolling through youtube helps lol. but I really wonder does anyone else feel like they are interacting with the world but their head is wrapped in plastic, so they can see and hear but are still totally but imperceptibly separated from the world, so they just can’t quite..connect? 

[drblovewrite]

A Winding Ramble About Damain R. B. K. by Yours Truly ✌

I can remember being younger and telling my family I loved them. Looking back, I believe that I did not feel love for them and that was due to a fear of a lack of my family and all they could provide and their familiarity as well as an acute sense of how they would supposedly feel awful and be hurt if I did not express that sentiment.

It is only now that I know without a doubt that I love them, with a great fondness and regard for their state of being and a wish for them to view me well and believe that they are loved.

A lot of the time I felt disconnected, like there was a distance between my family and I. I wanted to be protected. I said I loved my mom and dad, but at that age what I really would miss was my mom’s cooking and my dad’s financial support. That’s a pretty cold view, but what I had.

What curbed my actions at times was the idea that if I said something, I feared that they would analyse my words and find a meaning that implied a lack of regard- no care or consideration, or hatred. I did not like feeling that way, and so I would apologise if I felt that my words could chase those feelings. I used my feelings and way of thinking as the standard and reference point. That is perhaps why I doubted so much that persons meant what they said. I know I did not mean what I said, subconsciously, and so I attributed that to others.

Looking back, I recognise that I was filled less with genuine care for others.

Now I genuinely care for few, and wish to engender care from others or good regard so I can get them to feel what I want them to feel towards me and put them in a place where they are more likely to do what I want them to do and give me less resistance when I want something done.

I’m very friendly with few friends. However, I also now find that making others happy or less discontent makes me happy. I have found that my name precedes me and my actions pave the way to easier interactions and an easier time overall.

I don’t generally ask for favours, because I prefer to get what I want myself and be responsible for the greatest quality that can be assured. To ask, to me, is ceding power and acknowledging my inability to perform a task. Making the frequency that I ask for favours seldom, I am able to project the idea that I am competent, but am open to aid at times, but not to the point that I am viewed as incompetent or taking advantage of those who would aid me.

I experience more emotions from reading than in daily life. Hence why I read constantly and hundreds of thousands of words are read by me daily. I want to moved to tears. I want to jump for joy. I want to be conflicted and brought to rage and made to feel hurt. I want too feel more than muted emotions and rare bursts of high levels of emotions.

Music is a source of emotions for me as well, which is how I am also able to feel a specific emotion. It frustrates me that I can’t hold onto them and keep them solid to be accessed at all times. When a song is no longer able to move me is when I get annoyed with it and avoid it. It usually comes back.

I have one friend on here who cause me to feel genuine fondness and love and another on my dorm whose a year below me but 4 years older than me who feels like a younger sibling who I count on.

I kinda am disappointed that I am willing to send persons who I have regard for into situations I view as potentially harmful, but…

I am not brave…and I can’t get over the fear that prevents me from leaving the fucking *campus*…so I’m willing to let others do it for me.

A lot of the time I don’t mean what I say, but only because I want to.

I am manipulative, and that is true, so I won’t say I’m not. It’s just who I am and who my parents raised. I will say vague stuff or specific random stuff. But I avoid divulging deep stuff about myself, and I avoid saying anything that is truly potentially harmful in arguments, so that when the tale eventually flies away, I don’t appear in a truly negative and authority figures will have no reason to doubt my character. I will insinuate things, but that is mostly in reference to an individual’s ability to truly understand what I’m putting down and through twisting the other persons words to make them a appear in a negative light. I listen when people talk to me. And the North remembers. So I know what makes makes a person tick and what they have to say about others. If a relationship goes sour, I may pepper my conversations sparsely with vague mentions and inferences and ‘worries’ that this person with whom I’ve shared so much or spent so much time with had turned on me. This usually is resolved through strict avoidance and icy politeness that quickly warms until the relationship is just as it was before. Though I don’t forget.

That’s a positive for me though, my ability to scream at someone one week and then go to talking about our fucking dogs and what we like the next.

The same cannot be said for others however. I have realised that my intervention has caused some relationships to go sour for like, ever, and some to never come about.

I generally expect others to be like me though, so I’m not surprised when others try to do the same to me without actually succeeding.

I can greatly dislike a person and everything they stand for and not express a lik of it to them. Though for those who I don’t care to have in my corner, I am more free with my words. Like my fucking roommate who is a passive aggressive shit who mooches off me like nobodies business and makes efforts to appear benevolent in certain respect that are transparent and who is unable to even properly appear as such due to outbursts that make them obvious. They claim to be the most selfless person ever, when people know that they sabotage them self to ensure they get what they need and can still say that they are the “most giving person in the world. No one gives as much as me”. But…they purposefully waste others time by arriving hours later than promised and they also ensure that others *have* to help them. At first I thought “doormat?” and wanted to help… but really, they shoot them self in the foot.

I know I mislead others and shit, but I give them my best if only because that’s what I’d want.

Movin’ ON.

I weigh like 136 lbs. 5'4" and hoping for at least one more, And my fam and almost every one I know says I’m faaaaaat.

18 years old, going 19 in December.

Single. Never dated, never kissed, never had sex.

Am unable to take of myself in daily life and perform the necessary actions that make humans 'presentable’. (That means unless outwardly prompted, I’m more likely to just…not.) Makes me feel like a piece of shit a lot, but its all good 😆

I avoid reading or watching the same thing more than once. If I read it once, I’m unlikely to revisit unless I forget that I read it and then just power through with determination.

What do I watch? Impractical Jokers and Family Feud and Random Movies. On that note, the representation of religion and LGBTQPIA+ topics often is a miss for me, and so I’m the type to just kind of cover my eyes for fear of what I see. Also, my family regularly watches the shit I watch, so I can’t really watch stuff that is of good fibre without being in a rigid state of severe discomfort and mild fear.

What do I read? Fanfic and original fiction. Sci fi is a hard no go, and supernatural is a hit or miss.

Fanfic preferences? Time travel, fix-it, self insert, reincarnation, mpreg, coming out, outing, dysphoria, fake relationships, social media focus, sports RPF, and the *dark tags* on Ao3. A lot of it is because of morbid curiosity and an irresistible urge to see what can go wrong go horribly wrong- or right as the story would have it. My *issues* are always on my mind, so they appear in my preferred reading. Yes, that is a thing. That I do.

What else? How long can I make this?

I have shit eyes and teeth and skin. My fashion sense is to wear what fits and still is functional. I severely dislike shopping.

I like spicy food! I live in the Caribbean! I…go to a religion based school, as I’ve done my whole life! I study science! I have two bros. I speak English, but my country has a dialect that I am very capable in. I won a silver medal for performance arts once.

I have dark brown kinky hair that I perm and that is now just wavy and loosely curly and sentient at this point. My eyes are very dark brown. I’m of Irish and Scottish descent on my mom’s side and just something something Indian and some African on both sides with a great dash of one of the old local groups from my paternal grandma. My voice is kinda low, but of a scratchy register?(is that a thing) with a kinda smooth and yet stuffy undertone. It resonates and has the capacity to drown out everyone else in the room. I generally speak in a cutesy- yes I really mean it- voice when on the phone with my mom. I almost always have an electronic with me. I follow rules to the tee, so I’m rather rigid in that respect.

I wanna be a psychiatrist…but what I want to do is just raise children. I want kids baaaad. Like, if you are pregnant, I’d take your kid and raise it and expect like, nothing from you, except I’m a college kid dependent on my parents…so.

I have so much more to say, but don’t have the drive to write more and make this long ass post any longer.

If you actually read this tell me something about you! I mean, you know so much of my shit already! 😳

Love!

[oldmanlillian1989]

Cat Urine With No Odor Wondrous Diy Ideas

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[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON XLNC’S MAIN VOCAL AND RHYTHM GUITAR LEE YEONGSHIK...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: King CURRENT AGE: 24 DEBUT AGE: 22 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 21 COMPANY: Koala.T SECONDARY SKILL: n/a

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): n/a INSPIRATION: He was inspired by the deep and meaningful lyrics from bands like Nell, and the powerful high-energy rock music from the likes of YB Band. It’s his dream to make this style of music accepted and popular in the idol scene. SPECIAL TALENTS: 

Impressions of singers with low, husky voices (e.g. Yoon Dohyun from YB; Lim Jaebum) 

Can project his voice very far and very loudly

Has a plethora of knowledge of fish

NOTABLE FACTS:

Graduated high school and worked with his parents in the fish market while busking in Pohang.

Known for his poor behaviour during his trainee period in 99 ENT. As a result, his image is often projected as being outspoken and cold.

He has a small reputation for busking a lot in Hongdae. A fan recorded him performing, and this gained the attention of scouts from Koala. T Music.

His Gyeongsang-do dialect is incredibly thick. Despite efforts from both 99 ENT and KTM, he can’t seem to tone it down. It has become a charming point amongst his fans, though many within the industry criticize him for being unprofessional and stubborn.

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

King’s short term goals currently stem from wanting to obtain some sort of production credit on a song on their next album. When he isn’t working on producing music, he is working on his Youtube channel. With the approval of KTM’s management team, he has been allowed to release covers and rock remixes of songs. His hope is to expand on this by bringing in his other band members to help him with the covers to showcase their genuine talent to their fans. He also wants to meet more people within his industry, and as a result he helped to co-found the group League of Idols.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

King’s hope for the future is to make rock an acceptable form of music within the idol industry. The young musician wants to slowly push for more creative control over the production of their music, or to at least shift the mindset of the company to push them towards “edgier” rock music. 

IDOL IMAGE

“Aren’t you that kid from Hongdae?“ “Wait! He’s the guy that got kicked out of 99 Entertainment!”

The frequency in which Yeongshik performed on the streets of Pohang and Seoul would certainly not go unnoticed. However, that does not mean he was popular or successful. In fact, any pre-debut images or videos of him on the internet cater more to his looks than his performance ability. Since his official debut as a member of XLNC, some of those images have resurfaced. KTM uses those pieces of media as a means to paint over the negative image that he had developed during his time at 99 Entertainment, and instead repaint him as XLNC’s King: a hard-working young man who is trying to redeem himself within the idol industry, and with a dream to change the idol music industry for the better.

KMT knew that asking Yeongshik to alter or fabricate a persona for the sake of the band would be more trouble than what it would be worth. Instead, they decided to use his troublesome trainee past, self-important personality in juxtaposition with his tenderness for fans, and a hard-working Northern Geoyongsan country-boy past to push a “tsundere” image. While some of the members were given the permission to keep their own names, KTM felt that if they kept Yeongshik’s very old-sounding name, it would not be easy to market to the younger generations. Instead, the company decided to take his calloused image in contrast with his love for his fans and gave Yeongshik the stage name “Young King” but later decided to shorten it to “King”.

“You really have strong opinions and feelings for so young a person…”

Generally for interviews and variety shows, the members of XLNC are given leniency as to how they are allowed to act. King’s situation is a little different. KTM allows King to speak openly about his past in Pohang and his life as a busker trying to make it as an indie artist. However, management cracked down on what he was allowed to reveal during his trainee years at 99 Entertainment, so as not to cause friction between the two companies or between warring fandoms.

“But you never wanted to be an idol. That’s why you left 99 Entertainment, right? So why the sudden change of heart?”

When asked in their earlier interviews what changed his mind about being an idol, his answer is always very frank and honest: the support from fans. Whenever XLNC’s fans, XL-ENTs are brought into the interviews, King cannot help but become soft and a little emotional. He also admits that the hard-working attitude of his fellow members inspires him, and keeps him accountable. KMT thrives off of this genuine part of his personality as a means to market his ‘calloused but softening heart’.

On stage, King exudes confidence behind his guitar and his deep, husky singing voice. However, the second a camera pans in his direction, his newly-discovered case of stage-fright causes him to close his eyes for the majority of the performance. When asked about it, or teased about it on variety shows and interviews, he tries to make jokes about him trying to appear more passionate. However, producers and bandmates find frustrating and annoying when they are trying to film. A lot of apologies are made throughout pre-recording and filming. Some of his fans try to defend him as they see it as a small peek to the softer core of his personality and the “true” Lee Yeongshik.

On variety shows and when working with other artists, there is no doubt that there is a lot of debut-awkwardness. He doesn’t know where to stand, how to stand, which camera to look at, and actually stare at the camera and not meander his eyes elsewhere. But his pride self-confidence offers a little push to help him get through those interviews and shows. His camera-shyness makes him seem like an aloof black hole. This, coupled with his ‘tsundere image’, a lot of hosts tend to pick on him for having a cold ‘bad boy’ image. As a result, he’s personally opted to take an even further step back on more recent shows and silently encourages his members to be the star variety personalities. However, when it comes to playing games or physical activities on variety shows, he’s suddenly very involved and excited!

“We love ourselves a thoughtful King!”

With their fanbase in Korea, Yeongshik does what he can to support the people that have supported them. He likes to organize small gifts for the few fans that come to their events (usually using money out of his own pocket). At fan signs and fan meets he is very kind to fans, but in a very genuine way. He hates acting cute for the sake of being cute and calmly refuses to do aegyo. He tries to create a professional distance from fans. For example, if fans try to act too familiar he gently tries to set them straight. Or if fans try to confess their love to him, he gently turns them down. His unwillingness to conform to these usual idol roles, while being completely within the bounds of his real personality, further feeds into the image that the company has carved for him.

When it comes to interacting with international fans, King is a black hole when it comes to English. He barely remembers what he learned in high school, and can only introduce himself and his role within the band. He made an effort to study beginner level Japanese before their promotions in Japan, and is able to write in Hiragana and Katakana on his social media pages.

“Which member are you the closest to?”

Suffice it to say that the members’ relationship with their main vocalist is rocky at best. Despite sticking through the debut, Yeongshik’s impulsive and selfish behaviour has been the cause of a bit of discomfort and awkwardness between the members. While he apologized for his past behaviour, and is currently making efforts to prove himself to KTM and to his band mates that he is here to stay, the process is hard and grueling. The 24 year old, who has always been an independent lone-wolf, is now struggling to learn what it means to become part of a team, and while he doesn’t want to falsely force himself on the band, he is trying to do what he can in private and in the eyes of the public to show his appreciation and support to them. His beginning strategy is to get to know each of the members individually, to hopefully learn about their hopes and dreams and how they can help each other.

In their behind-the-scenes footage on their Youtube or live channels, King is more off-to-the-side and observant rather than participating in antics with his members. A lot of fans at the beginning of their debut interpreted this as him trying to appear “mature”, when in reality, he just hadn’t developed that level of closeness with his members. However, as time has worn on, and they have gotten used to their roles within the band (and Yeongshik has proven his willingness to stay in the band), the awkwardness has more or less subsided, and King makes a little more effort to participate in videos with his members usually as the victim of their antics as he is often caught asleep on camera.

On his personal Youtube channel, King tends to primarily share covers of songs that he enjoys. The company allowed for this as a means for him to "release” the rock-side of him that gets repressed form the music he’s forced to do professionally. He has recently started to do reviews of music that has been released within the idol industry as a means to develop a stronger understanding of the genres that he generally wouldn’t listen to. Of course, these videos are heavily edited and reviewed by KTM. He has asked permission from his company to have guest idols show up on his channel during these reviews to give more insight on the music, and, in the eyes of their respective companies, build partnerships and mutual advertisement opportunities. Through this program, he has developed a few good friendships and, as a result, helped to co-found the Afreeca channel, League of Idols. While Yeongshik isn’t particularly great at these online games, and is often referred to as the “black hole” of whatever team he’s playing for, his lack of finesse and “newbness” adds comedic value to the show. This endearing quality in juxtaposition with his very strong Gyungsang-do personality, it certainly makes filtering entertaining for the staff.

Shortly before debut, he opened a Twitter and Instagram account to document his journey within XLNC and to interact with fans and other celebrities within the industry. On Twitter he often writes to his fans expressing his thanks, spams the promotional music show hashtag and shares snapshots of him working. On Instagram, King rarely posts pictures of himself, much to the disappointment of his fans. However, he often does live videos where he will do monitored Q&As, or will share sneak peaks of the latest Youtube video that he’s working on.

“You call yourself a King? Disgusting! Throw yourself back under the rock you came from, Faker!”

Despite his active online presence, hard-working image and rapport with fans and a handful of idols, there is a lot of negativity that needs to be filtered. There are a handful of XL-ENT fans, as well as aggressive anti-fans that leave hateful comments on his social media pages. Some of these anti-fanss suspect that something may have happened before debut, given the lack of closeness between him and the other members during their debut. Some even go so far as to blame King for XLNC’s lack of success and popularity within the industry. For now, Yeongshik has been able to maturely avoid lashing out at these fans. But given his impulsive past, KTM is constantly on edge and have been trying to think of ways as to how to either recover from a potential explosion, or how they can work it into a publicity scandal in their favour should something happen.

IDOL HISTORY

Born in the popular port city of Pohang to a fisherman and his wife, Lee Yeongshik spent his entire life by open beaches and bringing his father’s catch to his mother’s stall in the famous Jukdo Market. Music was always tightly woven into Yeongshik’s life: from the music his father would sing while at sea, to the music played on television and radio. But nothing struck his heartstrings or energize him more than that of the rock bands Nell and YB (then known as Yoo Do-Hyun Band).

During his elementary and early high school years he would write lyrics about his life at school or the life of a fisherman’s son, and would remix these lyrics into his favourite existing songs or adjust the composition slightly. While in school, all of his efforts were put into his music classes. He learned how to read sheet music and how to play basic piano. As many teenagers his age tend to do, he challenged social constructs and would write poems or quirky songs that mocked the school system. More than once, his antics caused him some form of detention or other forms of acceptable punishment from his teachers.

For his birthday in his second year of high school, his parents gifted him with a second-hand guitar. Between work in the early morning, school throughout the day and most of the early evening, his evenings were spent learning how to play his guitar. As a result, his grades began to slip, and his parents encouraged him to find a tutor: a ‘sombae’ from his school. She appealed to his creativity and was able to make learning fun for him again, and he suddenly began to understand the full meaning to the love songs he had been listening to most of his life. His mind wandered throughout the day at work, school and even tutoring to develop the perfect song to confess his love. When he was finally confident and proud of his creation and performed it to her, his feelings were not reciprocated and weren’t treated seriously. Broken hearted, the boy immediately became jaded and bitter, and filtered romance from his life entirely. Any confessions he received were met with unintentionally cruel shutdowns, and the once class-clown became the introverted loner.

As graduation drew near, he and his parents struggled to find a direction for Yeongshik’s future. They couldn’t afford to send him to university or college, and his high school grades were not high enough to get him into school either. His parents knew he wouldn’t be happy taking over their business, and suggested that he try to pursue music. After he graduated, he worked for his parents in the morning, and then spent his afternoons and evenings busking on the busy streets of Pohang where tourism was the thickest: the markets and the beaches during the summer, and deeper into the city outside of bus and train stations during the winter. His music was a mix of his own prose as well as remixed covers of existing rock songs. Once he had made enough money, he moved to Seoul to live with his estranged uncle.

His uncle was rarely home, nor did he manage his small apartment. The young man felt uncomfortable with his uncle, and would only go home long enough to bathe and sleep and occasionally eat the food his parents sent them. The rest of his days were spent busking in the afternoons and working in convenience stores in the late evenings and early mornings. He attended as many local indie rock events as he could afford, and even attempted to audition to perform. But as an inexperienced soloist, gigs were impossible to come by. One of the venue owners suggested that he apply to an idol company if only to utilize their connections and resources. “You have the face and the voice to get in. Make the most of it and go.”

Feeling desperate, Yeongshik looked into each of the top tier companies within the industry, and felt that 99 Entertainment was the best fit, as they were well known for their artistic freedom and generally produced high-quality music. They told him to leave his guitar at home and to come to vocal lessons and training. The vocal lessons were certainly helpful and it was here he really seemed to excel. However, dancing was an entirely different story. His entire artistic career had been behind the security of a guitar, and never before had he ever tried to do any kind of dance. His lack of skill and willingness to learn, marked him as a trainee with poor attitude and attendance and he was kicked out of the company.

Again, Yeongshik returned to busking on the streets of Hongdae and after some time was approached by a representative from Koala. T Music. The agent said that with his looks and talent with a guitar, he would be a great potential candidate for their attempt at the first idol band to be created in years. Shocked at the prospect of being scouted for a band, and still feeling the pangs of desperation, he agreed to do the audition.

Upon his arrival, the judges were quick to praise him for his frequency of performances in Hongdae and complimented his guitar playing and vocal quality. However, his reputation at 99 Entertainment left a very dark mark on his resume. They still gave him the opportunity to audition, and after hearing him sing one of his own compositions with his guitar, and then cover an existing song acapella, they decided that they would allow him to train with the other candidates for the idol band to test his chemistry and work ethic. The young artist was thankful for the opportunity, but expressed his intentions with music and his apprehensions of joining an idol agency, and ultimately decided to refuse the offer. The judges, amused by his dream of authenticity, explained what would be expected of him as an idol, but gave him the bait of the potential for him to produce and write a song perhaps years in the future. They encouraged him to try their trainee program and if he felt it wasn’t a good fit he could freely leave with no hard feelings.

The temptation and easy access to equipment was too much for the starving artist to give up. He decided to join their trainee program. Many of the trainees were already close with each other, and Yeongshik, having been alone most of his artistic career, couldn’t bring himself to approach the other members that already seemed to have split into their cliques. This painted him in a negative light amongst the others, but gradually over time, the other trainees were weeded out of the program until finally the final four were chosen. For a year they trained together, but after being told that they would be doing their first performance with an MR system rather than playing live, the rock artist felt betrayed. He approached his members and confessed that he wanted to leave; that he couldn’t in good conscience betray the genre he loved for the sake of fame. This wasn’t the first time that Yeongshik’s impulsive and stubborn personality had caused conflict within the band. But this time the entire team was shaken with Yeongshik’s lack of consideration for the rest of the team, and it caused serious concern within the company that was planning to debut the group in less than a year. While in their dorm, Yeongshik approached the other members and apologized for his selfishness. He realized that this wasn’t just his dream anymore, but this was all of their dreams. He realized that he needed to respect everyone and not just focus on himself anymore. He made more of a conscious effort to spend more time with his members, train with them, and asking for critiques and tips.

The final month leading up to their debut really pushed each of the members physically and mentally. Yeongshik in particular struggled with wearing make-up and being told what to wear and how to wear it, as well as modeling for their promotions. It wasn’t until he had seen the physical album in his hands, and the album promotions and teasers online, that he realized just how close they were to their debut. The impending fear of having to do a ‘fake performance’ on stage began to rattle his bones. Shooting their first performance stage took unusually long as the new main vocal and rhythm guitarist struggled to keep his eyes open as the camera panned to him, or as the fans cheered. Eventually they got the shots that they needed, but it was a new hurdle that the young musician would have to overcome and quickly.

While the reception of their debut wasn’t as explosive as the company had perhaps anticipated, overall Yeongshik was deeply moved by the fans they did manage to capture with their music. As small as their fandom is now, he deeply treasures them and made an Instagram and Twitter account to become more connected with the fans. He approached his members with ideas to provide their fans with heat packs while they wait outside to be let into shows, and other small fan projects. This newfound love and passion was something that the company easily fed and wove into his image as an idol. While he is still stubbornly trying to work his way into the production side of the industry, he has calmed down considerably and is making more of an effort to connect with his members and fans as an official and steady member of XLNC.

Their work was well received in Japan, and Yeongshik decided to make more of an effort to study the Japanese language in order to communicate with fans and staff.

In 2018 they traveled to North America for the first time to go to K-CON LA, where they shared a stage with 99 Entertainment’s prized girl group, Heaven. Despite not doing the music he initially wanted to do, Yeongshik found more of his inspiration was being drawn from his fans and his experiences working with other people within his company. While he still carries his rock-and-roll pride, he has decided to open his mind about the idol industry and has started to put himself out there.