crackcrocs

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #14

I view fancying different people like liking different key notes. in music we can all like a range of different sounds, some of us like to listen to one genre/ type of music/ sound on repeat , whilst others prefer switching it up and listening to a more versatile selection of sound.

I really struggle to just listen to one genre of sound or even for example I wouldn’t just listen to omniscient sound alone, but combined with the scene of a movie- it wouldn’t go without. It fills the silence. 

my father often plays classical music, and though it may not be everyone’s cup of tea- I enjoy it when he does because it is interesting to hear the almost story telling like combination of sounds placed together to make something. Classical music shows the highs and the lows, it knows how to make you imagine that something is about to happen just by the way the sounds are formulated. 

the beauty of more than one sound, is the expression of more than one feeling- and that is what makes classical or jazz or any instrumental music sound so great.

I enjoy some real funky, random sounding albums, I enjoy listening to Native American flute music, I enjoy listening to frequencies, I enjoy listening to fires crackling, white noise also.. I enjoy listening to mother natures bird sounds alone. crickets even.

different parts within keynotes or sounds create and spark a different feeling if you pay close attention. and I believe different people spark different emotions like that. It would be boring listening to one keynote forever.

as someone who doesn’t often know what i’m feeling because i haven’t fully learned to understand my feelings yet , or know how to coordinate that, music has always acted as a healer for me by the sheer variety of a differential array of sound available to us in this technological age that helps reflect my mood.

Change is healthy and I would not be who I am today if I wasn’t prone to change. 

Everyday I am someone new, I am constantly adjusting myself- trying to fill my core self with an actual personality that knows itself & knows how to navigate, knowing what it likes is complex because it likes so much, it appreciates everything. 

I think bodies were not only made to do things; but they were made to be loved, and to express love. 

back to what I was saying about my body/ character liking so much; it’s like flavours of ice cream: I like mint flavoured ice cream, I liked the red bull sorbet I tried in Prague when I had it, I like mango sorbet, but I also like vanilla ice cream and I would go for chocolate ice cream and even strawberry if there was none of the other options, I’m not fussy- I like to taste things and try new things out all the time. chocolate may not be my favourite flavour but it’s a flavour that I would enjoy if I was given it, as in I wouldn’t complain. 

Enjoyment is the feeling that should be received throughout the course of our lifetimes. We must enjoy, we must enjoy feeling, because feeling is part of being alive. 

we must explore our emotions, we must allow ourselves moments to just be, for that is true freedom, when the dome(head)  is free to explore, we not only grow, but we do not get as jealous, we are not as possessive or protective. we are trusting. 

and when it comes to sex and intimacy, the society/ culture makes us naturally possessive/ protective of one sexual partner because we don’t want to lose the one good thing that we have~ reinforced by the nuclear family unit I believe it’s a bullshit thing that says “deny all other flavours”, “deny all other genres of sound, and make me your limit”- when all that’s doing is reinforcing that soul mates are only able to be when you are actively growing and cultivating that nurturing element with someone. when soul mates emphasis on the mates implies that there are traits of our characteristics that attract similar types of people, and it is normal to have more than one mate, it should be normal but it isn’t to have comfortable, soul level conversations with everyday people, as well as with people we are intimate with without it having to be something more committed. 

maybe I am selfish saying this, being so indecisive and unpredictable is not what I chose to be, it is a reflection of the very shaking unpredictability that I have encountered, that formed my spiritual self to come to conclude that we can have soul level connections with more than one person, it all depends on how magnetic and nurturing we are. If we are protective with our love and reserve it for only one person, then we are already limiting our bodies superpower of projecting and giving love, and this world needs love man. the earth needs love, just as people do. 

so I’m having a real tough time thinking about choices and sacrifice if I want to be in a monogamous relationship, because I believe that some people have been made to feel like they should give out more love than they will receive, and it might not be true; but it’s not those peoples fault (like mine) that I do feel that way. I recognise people in crisis, I know about suffering and deep pain, I understand loneliness- I am also a product of abuse so I learned to love all types of evil forces, so my judgement is a little fucked up as well as my views of love being distorted. I am different because I accept things about the people I love, where they would normally feel insecure or like no one would accept them for the things they’re embarrassed about. 

My good friend Adela said to me once that I see the humanness beyond peoples shitty actions and that is what makes me true. And i agree, i do believe people make mistakes or do things out of their ‘right’ mind. I do believe we are all worthy of chances because we are all able to change. I do believe just like cheese, we do mature more and more if we dive into learning and are open to change. And being open to change is healthy and good for growth. Stepping out of our comfort zone enhances our confidence and brings out new sides of ourselves that we may never know we have until we explore.

I love people for the feeling different people bring me. It’s all or more than enough to feel just bliss at the end of the day, things don’t have to be perfect intact when cancer perfecta itself we die, so I believe it’s an illusory world we live in that over romanticises monogamous relationships and makes us feel like we should only love one person and we’re wrong if we love more than one because it wants us to reserve love and keep it as something we only give out so often. but the truth is love is just positivity. love is care. love is life. and this broken world needs so much loving it hurts to think about. but it doesn’t hurt to be loving, it doesn’t hurt to be kind, it doesn’t hurt to give or receive pleasure.. these are things that should be a given.

I love people for the joy they spark, for the excitement they bring, for the sounds they make me give off during sex, because everyone brings a different pitch of moan. i love people for who they are. for who they come and cum as. for the way they express when they release, for the energy they put out there. that is what makes me tick, that is perhaps what makes me different to most. my power is love. I radiate it and want to spread that shit like wildfire. 

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #13

“If you push too hard even numbers got limits”#mosdef

The minute you attach imagery to a higher power the more you limit yourself to feeling natures pure experience of power,

power is transparent and translucent. the higher power lives through our human bodies as we embody sobriety, as we psychedelically flow with grace through life, as we walk and dance with our drum beating hearts. as we live. for we are not alive when we do not feel. It is oh so important to sing, to dance, to talk, to stroll, to feel as intense as the wind when a storm is coming, to feel as zen as the coolness of the sea on a calm day, to feel as beautiful as the sunset, to feel as electrifying as the sunrise or the lightning. people are different, but one thing we have in common is we all feel. no matter how numb you think you are, the pain or the numbness is always stored in a mental box, waiting to be uncovered. yearning to be found. and the more mental baggage you collect, the more naturally your body begins to look for outlets, admiration, excitement, lust, chemistry.. that’s why we need to always remember we have a spirit, and it’s that spirit that collects memories and holds onto our spiritual experiences. so protect your energy, don’t abuse your power. treat your spirit like a wounded child. always care for it, nurture it, make sure it is safe, be kind to it. love it. embody it, don’t let anything else define your spirit, allow the collection of your many selves to act as one free spirit. then you will form a strong spiritual core, and once that is established and you can trust your core- you will never feel enslaved or possessed by any other souls/ people. you will only find certainly. the soul knows what it wants. be careful not to be triggered by frequency.

If time is of the essence,don’t let the essence destruct your time. don’t overseason your palette, don’t let the poisonous toxicity of life’s experiences habitually taste too good, know your limits. set your boundaries, and live as clean & guide yourself whilst as clear headed as possible for better decision making. 

Use your free time for healing, don’t heal in conjunction with your clustered thoughts because this will always attract chaos. make your personal trauma your business as well as your priority. deal with shit. the now demands it of you,take your time.

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #12

titled: HONORA CHING

‘calm down you’re acting crazy’

maybe true

but tell me do

you really have the cue ?

to- tell me any ting

when you heavy use..

I get you’re going thru ya glazes

you deserve to have a purpose

I know the icebergs deeper than what really meets the surface,

was only trynna remind you that you are worth It.

when I don’t feel heard sound goes cursive

you will find, didn’t raise my voice

don’t flip it on me saying I’m making noise

skip the toying with emotions

a true pal won’t let you slip, that’s devotion

certain crowds will only b around 2 b boasting

my conversations really run deeper than a dirt pit

6 foot peak, left ya girl got sum girth dick

I hope it was worth it

I’m not perfect but I’m reaffirming

would never use or abuse you, just confirming

are these folk helping you grow, you learning ?

are you trying to fill a void, you yearning ?

don’t want to wait too long to see you turning

but the house will crumble down, if you keep burning.

not in control of that

Situation was mad.

why do I even care ? It’s cos you do deserve it

‘I have a life too’

that sentence made me blue

why did you

tell me to

come spend time, smoke a zoot

all for you,

jus to close up, now I feel misused.

you can’t keep using guys,

company does satisfy

but loneliness will make you cry

be comfy with your soul at night.

friends hold each others hand

but I won’t force it or demand

don’t need to go club and get banned

let’s talk put our feet in the sand.

too many fakes don’t understand.

don’t need a selfie for the gram

I’d dry your eyes & sing to ya favourite jam.

I get it sometimes tings go unplanned

too many thoughts, I get why ya expression is bland.

overthinking brain busy like a sardine can.

Jus know my belief in you is grand.

wish I could dead your problems wi a magic wand.

it’s all said n done so I’m finished

head up, always here won’t diminish

you - cos you aren’t bad

know you jus wanna numb the sad

thoughts

but express before your life’s the cost

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #11

Culminated Epitome.

MANIA

It had not dawned upon me, ultimately up until the very recent weeks, how much I was scared of the outside world.

not the whole wide world..

the high society, retrospectively..

historical symbolism, standing for anything… feeling like I even have the place to really do so in the first place, feeling like I cannot stand for things not because the law says I’m not allowed, rather because the order of things is so profoundly messed up…

words, language, terminology used in our every day context when conversing amongst one another, sharing thoughts.

sometimes, I just knew it would take me so long to get to finally reaching a point- any point I try to make, because I believe I’m never truly trying to conclude, or round things up or summarise, I like short & sweet but I like enlarged & verbose too y’know.

Big ideas, even bigger dreams.

like, how the hell, am I supposed to talk less? lessen my tone, (or to come more correctly) lower my tone, I can make sense of that- respecting the environment, those around us, neighbours, the sleeping. I can totally understand that. but cut my self short, to have good times just for a laugh ?

at times it is as though I am all out of laughs.

There’s nothing sad about it, so please don’t fret. it just is what it is, & that’s okay! okay?

my sense of humour perhaps, just has a more acquired taste these days.

still random, still wacky, still goofy, still rooted in cringey depressive vibes. but hey the beauty of humour is it’s subjective right?

I won’t object to that. I’ll just say I’m a bit more focused on what I’m willing to plate first these days, mainly because I had so much on my plate before so I’m still in the process of clearing.

information is like food.

-the things we consume become a bigger part of us than we may think.

sometimes, I don’t have an interest whatsoever in entertaining non sensical stuff. it’s not even about it being stupid, I like silly best believe i am the goofiest of them all- but I don’t enjoy or care for non sensical, it’s about it being pointless & sometimes I believe things to be.

I believe underneath many people are insensitive and inconsiderate beyond imaginable.

Who gives a damn about consideration eh? It's the age of laughs and attention, put your emotions on hold if you have any left.

The time is now: to seek out unhealthy approval and validation. Time to not actually do anything influencial, just play that role.

Time to Trend. It's always been time to trend.

I never got why feeding the arrogant, false & pretentious ego was a thing.

Dominion Ascends.

Suffering on- we keep Swaying Slowly yet Swiftly through the Seasons, in Search of Silence.

Supremacy Pretends.

To be power.

Distribution dividends.

I'm sour.

Swimming or Showering to wash away our Salty feelings.

Souls Saturating, seeking Salvation.

Save me from Snakes.

No time for Salt, only Saxa(phones)

Take all of this with a pinch of Salt.

Singing Stale Songs, English hieroglyph or Welsh whale braile.

shopping carts, bullseye darts, beating hearts, l'escargot a snail trail.

stuck - like Satellite Statues stoned in a spiritless state.

I find it a shame that we have to laugh at others to feel happy, because we struggle to produce that happiness ourselves.

Nothing beats laughing together. Pure infectious contagion at its finest.

there’s so many things with a real point to them, that I’ve found to be more enjoyable. now; don’t get me wrong, of course I enjoy the whole rest & ready to go easement & consolation.

Instant assuagement.

but there is more than just recreational hindrance.

I prefer to sort & make sense of what ive really decided to make matter to me, purely because of continuous relevancy. without paying attention to that first, I can’t even enjoy properly, it’s like this weird attachment to truth and freedom, only it’s not so weird because desiring veracity & sincere certitude is only natural.

it is not controversial to believe justice is right, and to recognise that people and the law is unfair, far deeper than we seem to know.

I need to know, I need to feel safe, I can’t risk too much doubt because feeling unsafe leads to feeling paranoid, which is just pure scary. it’s just me feeling overly anxious- uncontrollable.

and all mainly because I feel doubt towards power structures and unsafe in the world, so that is the loop that leaves me feeling outcasted.

because I simply cannot stop myself from thinking, from thinking so much to the point I feel like bashing my head against a wall several times a day or a week, or using a scalpel to remove my brain & pouring it in acid. (sorry for the graphics, it’s just a feeling I get)

I get that it’s fun, the world is supposed to be fun, but it’s not all fun because it’s all games, which we're meant to play without knowing the rules fully.

we're supposed to feel comfortable gambling our lives away? feels like a scam to me.

I never said I don’t enjoy much of the mind numbing content circulating round the internet, it’s just sometimes I’m looking maybe for a darker type of humour.

The type that really hits the spot… you know.. that G spot, not the one downstairs the one upstairs, the one within your little eye.

the spot in the deepest darkest corners of my Gnosis. where I go Hip Hip, Hooray!

(Hip, Gnosis I hope you see what I did there)

when I know and understand the humour at its core it causes me to react more, thus it having a true effect on me.

everything is looking to make us react now a days tho, but we have to ask if everything is looking to make us feel, specifically positive.

maybe I just like more down to earth because that’s where I’m at, and that’s kinda how I’ve always been, what I’ve always been looking for, I dunno..

more polemically pragmatic perhaps..

I don’t know, how to pretend to be happy anymore, I know how to act okay but that’s about as far as I go.

Now my issue is being.. I got so used to pretending to be happy that I never learned how to show up or show myself upset or angry, which was a lot of the time.

I know how to be alone, I got used to that lonely feeling from a young age, so being secretive and keeping myself to myself was never the problem, it’s that I was functioning problematically, I didn’t mean to be destructive and disruptive but I managed to do just that, because I knew no other way, I had to make mistakes to learn first hand. Because the hands that held me first were the same hands that beat me.

It’s as though Punch & Judy strings aren’t holding up my smile any longer, my sense of humour has taken a darker turn.

I’m still a funny fucker, just I can no longer be taken for a joke.

I’m still playful and fun, I’m just not here to fool around, I’ll take the piss sometimes- but respectively, I won’t take the piss out of things- on a level that will be so detrimental (not that I can say I ever did).

I intend to truly have a good time because I am able to determine what I may encounter, by having a better mental judgement before choosing to place myself in environments where I will essentially enjoy, or may be faced with negative or fake energy. I revoke myself from all of this.

I aim to have more meaningful encounters.

I intend to have a good time because I know the folk I’m around will allow it, because they have created that comfort so there is room and there is space to be silly, to be goofy, to be wacky, to be chatty, and ultimately to be able to embrace each other still, even in silence- comfortably, with no feelings of awkwardness or saltiness in the air.

I’ll lack the ability to truly give myself credit where it’s due, *pat yourself on the back always tho* as a matter of fact, I doubt myself quite a lot, hardly even believe in myself, I didn't want to acknowledge myself for a long long time, because I still can’t believe a lot of what has actually happened to me.

things still feel like they’re happening and I feel foolish for not being able to control the visuals even if I just put my mind to something or try distract it. It doesn’t work like that.

Inside I am still a child, but I am not childish.

even when I was youthful, and naive, i was not as inane as some of the immaturity I was surrounded by.

hardship is the hardest ship to breeze though.

who wants to sail with? who will I let tag along?

I remain more critical than noticeably kind toward myself.

like a mother’s tough love.

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #10

COERCIVE RAPE !!

why’d you poison me with your kiss?

tranquillised in a bad abyss,

caught me hooked with your fishing reel-

except fishing rods only catch dead fish.

now I rarely dream let alone wish.

on the brink

now trying to swim

don’t want to think

just pass the drink.

pissed!

as the pendulum swings.

poked my skin like a thorn, now removing the stings.

how did it feel?

to devour me as your next meal.

though you might have me in your reel, to keep me sane say it’s not real.

objectify & sexualise so that’s how easily you steal.

to me, oh no. your method did not appeal

I really really really did try take the wheel-

made me feel weak, surviving means strong as steel.

all while I was wondering fuck am I doing here?

coercion level top tier,

can’t keep clear-

or manage

to get myself out of these terrible situations

no harm at all in waiting, but you moved like rapist

lacking absolute in patience.

just a blue balled sadist with a scent of desperate fragrance.

you probably tell yourself that I cannot resist temptation.

I assure you that your expectation causes me frustration.

anomaly command

would’ve preferred you held my hand-

but you’re in your own land,

so- you wouldn’t even care to understand

once upon a time was bored

I’ve hung with your kind before

just cos I step through your door

does not mean that I’m wanting more

if you unlocked the secret code

maybe then I would go rogue.

no virtue in the act

pure consent is just a fact

wastemen feed you all the drugs, whilst emotions get ignored

leave you crying, slut shaming, treat you like a whore

there’ll be no dining; just gaming, put no comdom furthermore.

I said no

I said no

I do not want to go

to the bedroom..

we all know

the script with the coke

what happens when deceptively guided through the groom

I was a sweet flowered garden, now it’s only weeds that bloom.

‘to chill’ -will we ever watch this show?

make me comfortable

so I bloody know

do you deserve my hole

can you make me feel whole

or jus nut &not care like an armed robber stole

this time didnt have me feeling high like a magic broom

instead, i felt the sadness of my soul seen by the night time moon

I see the lust in my eyes

don’t understand why

maybe I’m just made to be used

trinkets of trauma in my blood screams abuse

but who cares

certainly not me

I tell my self forty three

times a day, keep the bad thoughts away

just have sex, it’s okay.

Numb out

Blur your eyes

Wear that same very disguise

now between you and the skies,

I hope coercive rapists die.

[crackcrocs]

WHEN IT’S SUNNY MY SOUL SMILES TERRACOTTA ORANGE

Though we do sponge from our external environment, in order to change internally, our values and beliefs should be individualistic with cooperative and understanding qualities for when need be. If our personality is false, then a build up of false energy will always be negative. we need to nurture ourselves and others too, be spontaneous with our talents and support other peoples interests too, that way we all vibrate a higher energy that is more true and harmonious.

we have a right to appreciate our uniqueness, as the one thing we absolutely cannot fail at -is being ourselves.

we must be mindful of the language we use in our every day life towards one another and appreciate and embrace each others differences whilst challenging unethical and ignorant mindsets in order to inspire a more true attitude to permeate through all sub cultures.

This way we can make more unified decisions for the betterment of everyone, the conclusion will be an apeiron safe space for our generations to be able to create memories without fear. Toxic thinking needs to stop!!

-LCZABIBU

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #9

This is to narcissistic mothers/ parents & anyone who is willing to understand.

(Written by me-for and through the lens of my dear friend, i wish you nothing but freedom from her chains. i wish you TLC)

Their ability to make everyone think they’re loving parents.

Their ability to make their kids believe that abuse is normal.

Their ability to make you believe you owe them everything.

Their ability to make themselves believe that they are right.

Their ability to turn the tables and make you believe that it was your fault.

All of this rings so true.

They do make you feel crazy; they suck the energy and ability to reason logically right out of you- and, by very nature of their narcissism, it never occurs to them that *they* might be the problem.

You can’t expect a relationship to happen with someone highly dysfunctional. how do you stoop down to the level of someone who aside from work & put all energy into keeping up an appearance can only abuse substance, speak to empty friends & post garbage.

In truth, I think the alcoholism is a symptom of her larger mental illness or narcissistic personality disorder- but it’s no excuse. Her parenting is unreliable, inconsistent, and unpredictable. There never is a sense of safety and consistency, allowing me to thrive.

I’m told to forgive & keep peace & ignore all your craziness. All the advice I've been getting on dealing with a narcissistic mother has been saying to avoid her as much as possible, or to try communicate & ‘keep peace’ as if I haven’t tried to communicate, as if I’m purposely singling her out from our already empty relationship. Well now I'm stuck at home all day, or every household or friend I bring over, she decides to involve. So much for distancing myself.  The worst part is she isn't even doing it herself, she just sits around watching tv, having friends over & phoning everyone while Im expected to clean up after her and "contribute" to the family/ financially support my self for college.

- Yes, absolutely, I am the crazy one. You know what, I’m not even going to deny it, I probably have a ton of issues, most of them mental. But guess where they came from? Guess who made those problems worse and maybe even helped create them? No mom, you’re not to blame for everything or the “war in Iraq” as you so eloquently put it. But you are to blame for some it, at the very least. it’s time to take account & I will no longer be made to feel like the obligated for for an entitled narc.

I feel your claws sinking in less and less.  You no longer have me in chains, I will break free from your emotional bondage even if it takes me seeming boring & silencing myself around you to not endure & tolerate your nonsense. Your words no longer fill me with despair like they once did.

This year long cold shoulder would have once filled me with anxiety but now all I feel is bliss. I no longer feel jealous when others talk about their seemingly perfect parents because I may not have that luxury but what I do have is a chance to be a "perfect parent" myself potentially one day. To be everything you couldn't and wouldn't somewhere far away and isolated from your poison.

I wonder how you feel...  but I simply can’t understand or pretend to care anymore. I’m tired of putting energy into a source that doesn’t put out. When children don't talk to you unless prompted- it’s because there is nothing to be said after the plenty opportunities given to converse truly & openly.

No I don’t want to speak to your 9th friend on the phone today again about surface level things just to please you. No I don’t want to come socialise with your drunk friends & be spoken to like a child

When you have to tell yet another lie to yet another friend to mask the evidence of a broken home When you look in the mirror and only see insecurities When you realise there's no one around you and can't figure out why When you tear down someone close yet again, to feel good about yourself  I wonder how you feel, I wonder if you feel, I wonder if you can...

my mom pushes me away but doesnt wanna let me leave. she doesn’t want to take into account that she pushed me to this extent. part of growth is being able to communicate your emotions properly. how can a whole 43 year old be unable to do so? I Vocalize when I’m not okay with something. Communication helps people avoid being uncomfortable, easily triggered, hostile, or passive aggressive with people. her communication is one sided and I’m the only one who gets to listen while she’s the only one who gets to talk, otherwise I’m ‘answering back’ or ‘telling a woman what to do’ even though I talk sense and out of respect in my responses or when I do try speak.

Worse yet I have to go BACK to the emotionally abusive situation that I basically fled.

What really bugs me is when you’ve given someone so many chances to do better and change. But then once you get tired of their antics, you try to move on and they continually try to reel you back in. Not even trying to change, but instead *trying* to reel you back in for their benefit. It’s unhealthy and traumatizing to say the least.

I guess i should be glad your swinging moods and emotions taught me to manage mine from young. I should be glad that I had to teach myself not to care about what you said to me and what you thought about me. I should be overjoyed that the side effect was me not caring about what anyone said or thought and basically becoming an inert emotionless void. I should be thankful that I always look fine even when I’m in pain and feeling like death and I’m capable of putting up with things that would send any sane person off the edge.

relationships are so much healthier when the goal is to experience life together and not to try to make the person into who you want them to be or to make them do what you want them to do. In my case my mother has de masculated me over the years making me soft and obedient, for her own selfish gain of having a man worship her. she decided since she doesn’t have a man, or never managed to find someone stay at home that’s he truly connected to, she’s decided the man that’s going to worship her will be me- her son. Since I resemble my father who she was in love with, she will always talk bad on me as she resents my father for not wanting her.

through gaslighting me over the years, it’s become harder to speak up, I even feel embarrassed to tell my dad even though that’s probably the only thing that will make her open her eyes and get clean. my pot is boiling though. Independence is obviously healthy but when it gets to the point where i find it challenging to actually be able to even admit that i might need assistance in this situation,  problems arise. And for what? Why I’m I protecting her image? I’ve been taught to & I’m a respectable young man who won’t take joy from her exposure, but I don’t take joy from preserving information & keeping it all inside to deal with myself. I’ve become so hard on myself and still pushing through-it’s not easy, people still expect me to be a super heroe all the time. I have a hard time opening up, allowing people to help me in whatever I’m doing. I hate even admitting I need help most times. I wish I’d been taught early what my mother learned late, thankfully I was observant, self taught & still willing to learn- thankfully I’m not a follower & I know right from wrong.

The worst part about looking at the future and trying to imagine it full of hope, light and emotional health is knowing that you'll always have the scars. Emotional abusers aren't supposed to leave scars but mine managed to. And in my mother's usual style it can even be passed off as unintentional. In my case it was actually supposed to a kind act which ended badly in the way that only events in my life can seem to end.

All the phone calls to your friends, you continuously fake talk about me on a nonexistent relationship. it’s sad how you need to phone 100 people in a day and can only hold the same surface level chats. I wonder if you can grip the fact that nobody ever wants to help you with anything. you’re lucky they even listen and you’re lucky they only know your side of the story every time. you’re a great potter & can mould situations.

It’s sad that if you sense the slightest hint that people do not approve of your estrangement and they are not going to be there for your nonsense, you stir the pot and involve and buss peoples names, further spinning your web of lies.

All the pity you came to relish over the years as single mother warrior extraordinaire would simply dry up. Any attempts to paint me, your only child in a negative light would seem simply monstrous if I exposed you, but I maintain respect, bite my tongue & hold my head up because my real mother figure taught me that.

But really you have to keep up the pretense to your friends, that I was an insubordinate, ungrateful bitch of a problem child and you were a glorious brave single mother at her wits end just trying to make things work. even with the mural I painted, you forced me to mention the single mother narrative; as if that had anything to do with my art piece. I mean how selfish can you be? the art peace was to represent Sheku Bayou & the BLM movement, I didn’t even want to put my real name- I wanted to put my instagram page associated with my art because business is business and personal is personal. but to toot your horn, I added a whole separate paragraph because you wanted your name to be connected to my art piece as though I’m some sort of celebrity and it was my claim to fame. the single mother narrative is bullshit, I know tonnes of single african parents that know how to step up when it’s time to be a mother, but that’s something you’ve never known how to do. I remember you drunk the day I came here and I will never forget the words ‘I will drink myself to death if I want to’ I don’t have sympathy anymore and I’m not a saviour, I have tried and tried through hiding alcohol, attempting to converse & get her to cut down; but you can only bring a horse to the water not to drink it. how is a teenager meant to know how to stop an alcoholic junkie? I’m her son you say? If she truly cared and wanted to fix up, I would be one thing to stop her I thought.

my mother is an alcoholic. an addict. she refuses to wear those labels, but this has far exceeded the occasional ‘binge’ ‘sesh’ or ‘Prosecco party’ .Throughout middle school and high school, I would guess that half or so of the days out of the year she spent in a wine haze. Even my constant begging her to stop drinking did not stop it. Pouring her wine down the drain or hiding it made her angry and transitioned to mental and phsyical abuse. She became increasingly angry and I aged and entered high school but she was always this way since I came really. It was during this time that I would lock the doors to my room and try to hide from her in there. I still barricade my room door to this day just for my own peace. Despite all the horrendous things she did, every once in a while she did give me money, and this gets dangled over my head RELENTLESSLY... as if money buys love.

I needed to get some outside reassurance that I'm sane. Thankfully now I know and all I can do is try stay in my lane, can’t argue with a supposed adult with a brain that resembles a wall or a child.

People who were emotionally abused have spent far too long defending themselves. Justifying their own feelings. Trying to make others see and understand what they went through is a task. Abusive parents are very good at manipulating. that’s why I have ceased contact with this toxic person, i do not owe anyone an explanation.Doesn’t matter if they are a family member or close family friend. Doesn’t matter if they are a friend or acquaintance of yours. I’ve learned just to be boring , save everything interesting and beautiful about myself for those who deserve it.