#but for the life of me I cannot KEEP shit tidy

[runawaymarbles]

I think there are therapeutic benefits to the house being kinda messy actually

[mementoasts]

jonathan sims head archivist of the magnus institute london

[tonberry-yoda]

Denji headcanons because he deserves better

the headcanons at the beginning are for an implied f!reader or at least afab!reader, i just wanted to warn y'all :) but the rest are just goofy

just gonna get this part out of the way

he will stare at your boobs

we already know this

he might also take your bras to just stare at

yes even your underwear im sorry

now that we got perv denji mostly out of the way, lets continue

give him little kisses all the time and he will melt (and slowly it will make him forget about that awful first kiss that we will not talk about here)

you literally make him forget about makima

he is literally in love with you

like cannot take his eyes off of you

he is super appreciative of everything that you do for him, so if you cook for him, he will wolf that down

you are what he dreamed of having his whole life, so actually having you and being able to see you everyday makes him so happy

beware though, this man needs you attention CONSTANTLY

like he will crawl on your lap like a cat just to get you to pet his hair or something

i feel like he would just randomly cry, so please hold him

denji is such a menace, so when you get all chaotic with him, aki's only thought is how he is going to kill the both of you

and dont even get me started on if power joined in

he will eat random shit

like random berries off of trees

please stop him i beg

he is little spoon

please let him be little spoon

he will fall asleep like a baby if you cuddle him

he sucks at videogames, so that's your opportunity to kick his ass fr

he will always ask what's going on in the movie your watching and it makes you just wanna rip his head off, but you tell him anyway because you love him or whatever lmao

he will eat everything in your house

this is your warning

like you will stock up on groceries and find an empty fridge two days later

especially if he brings power over

squish his little cheeks please

take him to an all you can eat buffet and he will eat all he can

he really likes cheesy dates like bowling or going to an arcade. even if he sucks at it, he still wants to go

he will eat anything if it's smothered in cheese. a n y t h i n g

doesnt know how to keep a super tidy space, but it's never outright gross

only sometimes

he does have posters in his room of half naked women

but he will gladly take them down if you ask

he will fall asleep ANYWHERE so be careful

mans will be asleepin the shower if you arent careful

will grab a snake with his bare hands and will ask if he can keep it

this has happened more than once

he will sweetly tells you how much you mean to him though and will never fail to tell you that he really loves you <333

~~~~~

csm masterlist --- pinned post

@tonberry-yoda

[brw]

ranking random marvel men by how helpful i think they are in domestic settings

tony stark – 0/10 cannot cook cannot clean if you tell me otherwise ill bite you he has never cleaned a day in his life and that's okay.

simon williams – 0/10 has also never cleaned a day in his life and sure as hell won't start now.

thor odinson – 0/10 like he thinks he's being super helpful but he keeps accidentally breaking things and smashing plates and making a mess in the kitchen but he acts real cute about it so nobody gets mad at him really.

bruce banner – 1/10 he does his best but disaster follows him wherever he goes. he can't help it. everything that can go wrong will go wrong. he tries to make a nice meal and the fridge breaks so nothing is cold and the oven destroys the meat and the vegetables all get overboiled and he drops the wine bottle and it smashes on the carpet and and and it's just a bad time. he's doing his best.

roberto da costa – 1/10 you didn't marry him for his domestic skills.

bucky barnes – 2/10 keeps putting knives in random ass places n doesn't tell you.

logan howlett – 3/10 look he's a good cook and remembers to stock the fridge but he tracks blood in like at least once a week and it takes forever to remove from the carpet.

remy lebeau – 4/10 points deducted for not washing himself

bishop – 5/10 he grew up in a dystopia with on rations and it shows. the only thing you're eating with him is rehydrated beef or some shit. keeps the cleanest sparsest environment you've ever seen though

hank pym – 6/10 generally good at cooking, cleaning, buying shit etc but uhhh succumbs to the Horrors bimonthly

pietro maximoff – 7/10 will clean everything that gets messy, he likes a clean environment, but hates buying food vocally and gets kitchen rage when making food, his food is very good though

reed richards – 7/10 has made various machines to do washing, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc but cannot be trusted in a supermarket unattended, struggles to cook generally but can be trusted to make a few really good meals

luke cage – 8/10 i don't think he can cook for shit but he is great for remembering shopping and keeping things clean and tidy and we know he's a great dad so .

scott summers – 8/10 cleans everything, has a photographic memory of what's in the fridge and seems to telepathically know when something is broken or needs replacing but the only thing he serves is soup.

sam wilson – 10/10 good at cooking, remembers groceries, loves hosting people, keeps getting nice expensive wines to enjoy over the weekend as a nice treat from all the captain america shenanigans

steve rogers – 10/10 likes to clean likes to cook enjoys just relaxing and doing chores when not captain america-ing, will absolutely pick up stuff for dinner back from a fight with hydra or whatever

[paperstreetlocal]

Please expand on your Narrator neurodivergency hcs too if you're willing!! I love the ones you did for Tyler.

this isn't just neurodivergent shit its also like other issues sorry i cant stay on topic

autism wise i dont think he really gets overstimulated ? not the type to have a sensory meltdown or something i feel like he just kinda blocks out everything around him if its too loud or whaetever.disassociates a bit.Textures though……thats a whole other thing i think he ust wears simple somewhat tight clothes.half the reason cuz hes boring and has no fashion sense the other half is he just cant stand having anything excessive on him

ithink he stims in more subtle ways cuz he masks a lot Mostly just taps his foot or bites his nails or fidgets with pens/longer objects and flings them around on accident.i feel like he would touch his hair a lot and always keeps it short and tidy cause he cant stand it eing longer.scratches his forearms Generic stuff like that

his ocd gets really bad tho his brain runs literally 24/7 which pairs w his insomnia and the guy just thinks about bullshit constantly.intrusive thoughts galore I dont think hes a perfectionist by any means but he has to keep certain things tidy/closed or it drives him up the wall.specifically his work cubicle which is a mess but organized to nobody but himself n i think he gets extremely paranoid at times especially right around when he moves in w tyler cuz of the lack of lock on the front door and tht stuff

also when it comes to compulsions i think he bites (previously mentioned) and eats his nails and completely decimates them for several reasons and picks at his skin/scalp/teeth/eyes a lot and not in a hygienic way (do i even need to put this in here? nothing about their house or them is hygienic) and having to move into tylers house fucked up with his routine super badly hedidNotlike it in the slightest

e strikes me as the type to be anemic and always be freezing cold (unlike tyler whos a radiator) and overdresses while outside (him in his silly puffy jackets) and i think he sweats waaay ay too much bad eyesight had glasses at one point but switched to contacts and then got his apartment blown up now he gets eye infections cuz he doesnt have any neww ones

for the schizophrenia stuff i mean. somebody hcs him as schizophrenic somebody as a did system .. . personally im either not sure or he has both but i mostly go w the notion that the whole runtime of fight club was the narrator having a schizophrenic episode and i do think tyler may have appeared earlier on in his life in a different form and he just forgot or wasn't aware it was him.i dont think chuck did his best repping either of the disorders so whatever goes honestly lol (my main issue is you can have alters and be schizophrenic but having an alter AS a hallucination is incredibly odd to me? is that even a thing /genq) neeway dont have any special hcs just whatever happens in the book/movie u know abt that already

also extra stuff for tyler i forgot b4 i think he likes sniffing him.his mind cannot comprehend Not Smelling Like Fucking Shit 24/7 (narrator is somewhat cleaner and thus smells ok sometimes. mostly like sweat though) CONTRARY to that id card (ifykyk) i think his handwriting is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! his ass does NOT write in perfect cursive ik his shit is barely legible Fuck You and he cannot spell longer words like Wednesday what do you think this is ? Spelling bee ?

[yelena-bellova]

I actually think it's quite clear why they're having Francesca fall in love with Michaela right away and also why her story was the one they chose. At first, I didn't understand it that much as, from my understanding, the book centered on the themes of guilt and grief. But after reading some interviews from the show-runners, it's clear they feel the primary focus of the novel was on Francesca feeling "different" - which in retrospect is highly emphasized in the show, and is how we get to her being a lesbian (they're not going to make her bisexual, I'lll get to that). It's not how I view the story, but I'm not going to criticize someone for experiencing media differently than me.

Anyways, why does she fall in love right away? One, I'm going to be frank, main stream audiences cannot handle a truly bisexual lead. Parts of the internet would lose their shit if a woman who ends up with a woman had actual genuine feelings for a man while the other part of the internet would lose their shit that a woman who loved a man fell in love with a woman. Both sides would, ironically, agree she was just a lesbian all along so there's no point in trying to make her not one.

Secondly, I think romance in general - and particularly Bridgerton - doesn't usually focus on the idea of multiple loves that are of equal value. The genre is geared towards finding your one great love (and that's great! I love it! It's romantic and sweet, and I don't need my bodice-ripper novels to try to tackle real life romance). This is also emphasized in the show, where Violet was clearly feeling like Francesca was settling, hinting that her real love won't be with John. And in TV and film, this is 100% exasperated by shipping - audiences become extremely attached to a main couple, so killing them off will cause chaos. It just makes sense within this context to remove any romantic love from John as, from the perspective of the genre, that devalues the love between Francesca and Micheal/Michaela.

And what is the easiest way to remove romantic love between John and Francesca while keeping John a sympathetic and loving character?

All this to say, Francesca will NEVER love John, not romantically. And that makes her set up perfect for her to be a lesbian. If she never loved John, then his death can be sad, but ultimately not cause any actual conflict for the neat and tidy 8 episode arc of her season. It gives the audience the chance to say "wow, so sad she lost her husband, who she was clearly friends with, but also it's not that sad because now she'll ACTUALLY fall in love for real this time."

From a plot perspective, without any novel attachment, it's actually pretty solid and hits the tropes I would expect a queer romance to hit if it needed to exist within the Bridgerton verse. Dare I say, it's frankly even rather cliché?

So again, I disagree with a lot of this but I’m still going to share it because whoever this is didn’t come from a place of hate.

1: I’ve read the interviews with Jess Brownell about deciding to change Francesca’s story because she herself identified with the “different” aspect being a queer woman. Setting aside all sexual/gender politics, that’s a key mistake a lot of writers make. When writing for a show like this it’s good to make it personal, but not self-service. To morph an entire storyline to fit what you took from the book, even if few others did, is a bad writing choice.

2: I do agree that the world has no idea what to with bisexuality. I see more hate for bisexuals than nearly any other subsection of the LGBTQ community. I do think, however, that the Bridgerton fanbase is a bit more accepting. I’ve seen a lot of issue be taken with Benedict’s storyline this season but not because he’s bi/pan, but because of the shoddy editing and writing for his scenes.

3: “Bodice ripping novels” gave me a good laugh 😂😂

4: The change of Francesca’s potential lack of romantic feelings for John is probably my biggest issue with the whole situation. It truly feels like an unnecessary change. Even in going forward with setting up Francesca and Michaela for happily ever after, they could have saved Francesca developing feelings until after John had passed. Enough book readers would have been talking online about who Michaela was and who she becomes to Francesca that people would have known. In my eyes, there truly was no reason to eliminate that part of the story.

[owlsie-hoot]

ACGAS 4x1 Broodiness - had to write down what is on my mind after my second rewatch. So spoilers:

About Siegfried in this episode:

Siegfried supporting Audrey although he is trying to cope with Tristan's absence, he acts completely different in their scenes, not at all irritated and testy!

Siegfried supporting her in a way none of the others could do because he is the only one who knows what it is like to lose a partner - perhaps not in the same way as Audrey

... face the monster! He faced the monster of death, she faces the monster of having to tell strangers her life story

Although he is grumpy (lack of nicotine and because he missed Tristan), he is not oblivious that Audrey is in distress

the moment he notices that she does not want to talk about the divorce and keep that to herself, he changes the topic, makes her smile. He can read her, he senses that she is not in a good place

and of course she can put up the picture of Edward (this is after all her home too)

he stands with his back to her, does not know what to say but can also not leave the room because he wants to say something

only when she exclaims that she cannot do this, does he turn around and he listens (it is so rare for her (as it is for him) to open up so he of course pays attention to her words)

and you can see it on his face that he has trouble saying the words out loud he then says

her immediate reaction is dismissal followed by his apology and he shuts his eyes, probably hating himself that he has causes her even more distress in that very moment

Audrey's reaction is harsh because she is to tense and cannot discuss this with him any more at this very moment so she changes the topic

whereas Siegfried is clearly feeling like shit and doesn't say anything, just nods and walks away

But: he apologises and comes up with a plan - so different from the grumpy, testy Siegfried that James and Helen see in this episode!

you can see that Audrey is also angry with herself or rather that she desperately wants to do this but it is so hard and difficult that she feels she does not have enough strength to do it

therefore him telling her to write it all down to face the monsters, to encourage her is also a way of giving her some strength back, empowering her

also: it is cute that he tidies his desk for her, brings her tea, immediately signals her that he will be out of her way

his happy singing when she comes down the stairs is probably one part the nicotine high (lol) and one part being glad that he could help Audrey, that she said she he has no plans of leaving

At the second rewatch I wasn't even mad at Gerald coming into the house because we had that extremely tense moment between Siegfried and Audrey in the dining room and in that scene his feelings for her became so obvious, he knows that he feels more for her than he can admit at this very moment. And he knows now that she has no plans of leaving and that she isn't doing this because Gerald has any intentions.

About Audrey in this episode:

No one knows where she went so she clearly does not want anyone to know what her plans are

which I found weird at first but I totally get it now. This is a big step to take and she has probably been thinking about it, debating with herself, whether to really do this or not

and now that she is at the court she cannot walk out again but you can so feel her anxiety and distress in that scene, in every word, every gesture, every facial expression

it is so hard for her to do this and then there is this stupid clerk being a dick

she is elsewhere in that kitchen scene and of course pretends that all is well

The way she keeps her personal belongings in that tin is so adorable and reminded me of Siegfried's box from the attic. You can feel her pain when she goes through it and then the thing happens she wanted to avoid at any rate - Siegfried comes in and see what she is doing

she sounds as if she almost wants to (cry)shout at him but thankfully he can read her and changes the topic, and make her smile over Tristan but now he knows her secret and she feels uneasy about it

she is not the person who shares her private life with everyone or talks openly about her deepest fears and feelings - Siegfried is the same - it's what their generation did (one part), and yet they are so close and can sense when the other isn't well

writing it all down must have been so hard, reliving all the memories, feeling everything again and her outburst is so unlike her because she is to tense and so stressed and shortly afterwards puts the housekeeper mask back on

but for a brief moment the desperation pours out of her "I just can't do it" and she is so vulnerable in this moment

and then they both cannot deal with the tension anymore

In this episode the usual banter Siegfried and Audrey share was between him and Helen because Audrey was basically absent - she was at the house but fought her own demons (unlike in 3x5 when we saw her out of the house) and there was no room for the usual flippant, snarky remark. Yet there were so many married moments in a different way. Him asking her to hide his tobacco, her hiding it in a place where he would never have looked for it. Him bringing her a cup of tea. Both of them masters of the two dogs.

[mosiaks]

* / MASSIVE MUSE OVERHAUL

Okay here is the new line up for the foreseeable future. I just cannot keep trying to offer as many people as I was, especially when honestly so few are getting any attention and to try and get muses traction would be effort and energy I just cannot afford to give rn.

KEEP

@anyankaes | Anyanka -- this is just For Me honestly but I'm also going to try and position her in a more fandomless way @vacanpathy | Veronica Moore ( OC ) -- OC privileges are real. @hollowflay | Heather Holloway -- literally the flagship at this point lbr @npseas | low interest/low need/fickle muse/utilitarian muses -- kept bc it's so low use and here for utilitarian reasons.

LIMBO

@saeintsblood | Drusilla -- I find dru very compelling and if I could get things for her, especially in her drew au I'd very seriously consider continuing to write her @slayedher | Spike -- I do like writing spike and I feel like I could do a lot of fun stuff with him but I'm also not interested in just being used to fill people's fix for the character so I'm torn. @mtvatlas | Billy Hargrove -- honestly probably will get moved into keep once I feel like I can breathe and give him any attention. @manufangured | Casey Wainright ( OC ) -- again OC privileges get her here but also trying to start shit up for an OC rn sounds like a fucking nightmare.

DECOMMISSIONED

@deathgift | Buffy Summers @slayingspice | Brooke Summers ( OC ) -- joint reasoning for these two. low muse, low interest in general plus since smg has been spoken out for Israel I'd kinda want a new fc (also just they're SO canon divergent it'd feel nice) but if I have to make new icons I'll lose my mind. @corddess | Cordelia Chase -- low use, low interest, low muse. @keyedawn | Dawn Summers -- low use, low interest, low muse. @glindaid | Tara Maclay -- low use, low interest, low muse. @witchhan | Willow Rosenberg -- low use, low interest, low muse. @andhaert | Xander Harris -- low use, low interest, low muse. @thraeshula | Eddie Munson -- low use, low interest, low muse. @telemage​ | Eleven / Jane Hopper -- low use, low interest, low muse. @noblebreed | Elijah Mikaelson -- low use, low interest, low muse. @highbreed​ | Klaus Mikaelson -- low use, low interest, low muse. @legionheir | David Haller -- low use, low interest, low muse. @shesibylline | Destiny / Irene Adler -- low use, low interest, low muse. @punkasite | Rogue Darkhölme -- low use, low interest, low muse. @laembless | Clarice Starling ( set in Cri.min.al Mi.nds ) -- low use, low interest, low muse.

I'm sorry to anyone who was looking forward to some of these muses or had enjoyed ping with them in the past but I just gotta make things more practical for me. Hopefully I can bring some of these back in the future when life is less hectic but for now I just have to be realistic. Much of these muses get absolutely little to no interest and I cannot put in the time and energy rn to try and change that. Plus even when I HAVE tried in the past to do that for some it's been unsuccessful so I'm just not interested in trying again when my time and energy is more finite. I picked all these muses for a reason and would love to be able to write them all but that's just not realistic.

None of the decommissioned blogs will be deleted they will simply be left inactive and likely moved elsewhere to be archived for the foreseeable future so this account can remain tidy. If any get brought back I'll let you all know.

I will also still be on @dreameasel and @progeniterror

[cambion-companion]

I have to disagree with anon! I think there is good cause for my boy to have major-self esteem issues and bouts of self-loathing. In this essay I will-

Just kidding! But there’s some things that I want to point out. One: he was bullied throughout his entire childhood. Anyone who has been bullied knows that shit will follow you through your whole life, and quite often people with traumatic childhoods hide their pain into adulthood with confidence/coldness (especially Scorpios 😅 he’s a scorpio king through and through).

Next: All of his problems wouldn’t have magically been solved immediately after claiming Vhagar, but the loss of his eye only fuels that. He said it was a fair trade because he gained a dragon, but it’s really not, even if it is the last dragon of the conquest (also, he was a child when he said that, who had no clue the future issues losing an eye would cause him down the line, and wanted to comfort his mother). Losing an eye/having any disability is a big fucking deal in Westeros. It’s a big deal in our world too, don’t get me wrong - but life in Westeros is much crueler than ours. We as readers/viewers sometimes tend to look at this content with a modern lens, which is something we cannot do. In this world, he is lucky to be a prince. He can study and train all he wants, best the greatest swordsmen in all the seven kingdoms, but no matter how incredible he is, all of his potential will always be followed by ‘if only he hadn’t lost that eye’. “Imagine how much greater a warrior he would be if he had both eyes” (even though he beats Cole in the training yard with relative ease). “You have an unmarried son? Oh, but he’s missing an eye” (even though he is very obviously Valyrian and the Valyrians are all certified hotties). I wouldn’t say he’s repulsed by himself, but that the resentment over what happened to him is a big motivator for everything he does and becomes.

It makes perfect sense that he isn’t aware of how handsome he is, but I disagree that he doesn’t think much about how he looks. he is certainly not vain, but he does keep a very tidy appearance. His hair and hands are always clean, his clothes fit him well and he is just extremely well put together, something he probably learned from Alicent (queen of dying on the inside but slaying on the outside). One could argue that he only does this as it is expected of a man of his station, but Aegon exists.

It’s unfortunately realistic for the setting that almost noble ladies would be scared of him. The eyepatch is one thing, but his demeanour is described and shown as quite haunting as an adult (which just makes me EVEN MORE sad because he seemed like a very sweet child). He doesn’t strike me as the kind of man who would make the first move personally either, which would make finding someone to share his life with even more difficult. A lady who is unafraid of him would be rare, and for her to be that way, it’s likely she had been dealt her own cruel hand in life as well (I’m currently writing my own work where this is the case - not trying to self plug but 🤠). Someone who he could melt into in private, share his worst fears and thoughts with, allow them to touch his scars… I feel like he would cherish that greatly and want to protect that part of his life as well as he possibly can.

When he has the confrontation with his brother, where Aegon says he’ll run away so he may have the throne, you can see the cogs turning afterwards. I think he was quite sad in that moment, tormented by the ‘if only’ nature of his life. Yes, he does deserve the throne, but that doesn’t matter. He was not born to rule, Aegon was.

Sorry this was kind of a ramble, but I have a lot of thoughts because he’s such an interesting, beautifully tragic character. Let me know what you think!

Hi, my dear, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me! I loved reading them :)

This is in response to this post!

Aemond was absolutely bullied throughout his childhood, he was ganged up on by the other boys and I think the only person his age (who we know of) that wasn't mean to him was Helaena.

He had enough gumption, however, to claim the largest dragon in Westeros. To me, that takes no small amount of self-esteem, like "yeah, I deserve this". He received little to no attention/instruction/guidance from his father, instead I believe Cole filled that role. Aemond knows his prowess in sword fighting and carries himself with confidence accordingly. The man has swagger, I don't think by any means he loathes himself. Absolutely he is made to feel as less of a man because he is missing an eye, but literally everything he does is to make up for that (as you said).

As far as his appearance goes, let me explain better. Aemond takes pride in the traits he inherited that define him as a Targaryen. His silver hair, he takes excellent care of and grows long (like "see I am a legitimate heir") He takes care of himself, of course, but he has been given no reason to see himself as a particularly handsome man. Quite the opposite, as I am sure court whispers speak mainly of his missing eye and what horror may lie beneath the eyepatch. But yes, he does slay just like his mama. He is royalty, after all, and (once again) takes a GREAT amount of pride in his heritage (notice the dragon pins he wears on each of his outfits). Which also speaks to a certain amount of self-confidence.

Note also how Aegon is the opposite, he takes no pride in his appearance (the actor actually pointed this out too haha) or his Targaryen ancestry.

There is much nuance to Aemond's character (especially now with the show), and I certainly agree that he may have feelings of self-doubt, frustration, insecurity, but he uses these emotions to fuel himself to do better, train harder, study more...mold himself into the man he perceives his family needs.

[penroseparticle]

2 13 and 26?

2. A song you like with a number in the title

212 by Azealia Banks ft. Lazy Jay BAYBEE. Fuck if this song doesn't eat even today. I cannot help but move when this song is on. It's perfect in my eyes. Azealia Banks has been part of some... Strange moments. And she has made a lot of choices that I do not stand for or with even a little.

1901 by Phoenix gets an honorable mention.

13. One of your favorite 80's songs

I love me some Hall and Oates. I think this time I'm gonna go with I Can't Go For That (No Can Do) by Hall and Oates. I just think it's a good song. It's got some. like. Almost video game menu synth in the background going on? It's so understated and loopable. It pretty easily blends in the background. The airy ethereal stuff comes in when they're crooning about doing anything, and then the guitar comes in when they say no. Song's got a good structure, emotions are clearly mapped onto it. AND YOU KNOW MY BOY GOT A SAXOPHONE SOLO MIDWAY THROUGH. Great song, timeless.

26. A song that makes you want to fall in love

I think Say Anything is a band that I've always been sort of attached to growing up that almost doesn't deserve it. We all have one of those earnest, blinking, newborn colt songs, where our tastes or the band or even both are still growing into our stilt like baby legs, taking shaky steps that are full of promise but still a little rough around the edges. I think it was one of the first bands I listened to with swears in the lyrics, which made me feel secret and adult. They talked about sex, and masturbating, and emotions that weren't tidy or positive. They were what i needed at the time.

But I don't know, I've always been a schmaltzy loser. I think my favorite song of theirs is The Futile, but one song that makes me want to fall in love is I Want To Know Your Plans. It's a waltz! It is an honest to god waltz where you sing to the love of your life that you want to know their plans. Because you want in. You want to BE the plans. They keep you breathing. They give you strength. And you want to do the same. I don't know, I just love the devotion. I did it for you Marge. I would kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you.

It's quiet and kind and earnest. He says some corny shit, and some stuff that doesn't quite fit. I don't know. It feels real. He really will look out for this girl until they rot. He's all in.

I like it. I don't think it has to be perfect to be love. And I don't think this song needs perfection. It would be worse if it were polished, I think.

I would dance to this at my wedding. I've said that for years now and it hasn't stopped being true. I don't know. I hope the people close to me get it. Even if they don't get the song, they get why the song is mine. That's love too.

[istherewifiinhell]

[accepting the sleepy posting] tfa made the bold decision (it made several. in service of being a Good Cartoon. and not just. Good TF) to not super explain MUCH lore lore. techincally speaking its in the future. so all that other shit happened. except no it didnt it wouldnt make any sense if that was true. unless we keep making the same guys i guess. which. IS possible. but no cmon. anyway.

IT MADE the decision NOT to overly explain the goals of the factions. BUT showed things that HAPPENED. namely. oh my god so much autobot, post winning the 'great war' governance thats just like. OH! wow! yall suck FOR REAL! 1 of our main characters has ptsd about it. others, directions of their lives changed by it. including. one being ARRESTED. FOR DRAFT DODGING. guess theres no. um conscientious objection (he got called a PEACENIK).

so in comparsion we know like. BUBKIS about what the badguys want. well. power. ruling the planet. and um their obviously fine with. Murder. tho okay are the good guy government NOT? hmm? but also like. oh u wanna take over the planet with the government that sucks. so bad. and has actively harmed our mains. no yeah. thats. terrible. and its a lack of hmm. suggested governence ideals. not a lot of ideological goals pitched that arent just 'everyone will listen to ME'

But ASIDE from the aesthetic of obsolute cartoon evil they also gave megs the aesthetic of. not revolutionary. but hes playing the game. their phrase is transformer and RISE UP. which neat and tidy, their mostly flying types not driving types. but regardless. Fucks Severly. absolute class act. roll out. where? to drinks? the store? RISE UP. its got connotation dont it.

they show megs playing the fucking game too. he knows how to be a propagandist. he gets the P.R. doing the charming, convincing rhetoric thing. also sexy. duh. tf has a running thing with dealing with guys that are Today Years Old. fully formed 'adults' [altho this show also pushed the hypothetical of robot babies]. well anyway. the heros drop the ball severely and consistently in a way that makes u think. is this? not a thing u have to deal with. culturally. and its VERY fun to see the villians, you know, handle it. Oh they told u we were evil. Oh no no no. its a misunderstanding. lets discuss over high quality. sustenance? LIKE.

not even pulling the g1 trick like. autobots created this new live we wish above all for it to have self determination and true viturous characteristics. [while still being greated in service of this war]. FACTIONALLY. tfa bots are either making shit for war no regards for their life, or just like. eh. oh some new guy happened by accident. i dont care. individually. only the peacenik and the ptsd guy have vested idealogical interest in doing otherwise. and even then mostly just to the ones they like. vibe with. THIS ones my friend. THESE ones fit well with my world view on nature and technology. i guess techically a third was tryna help sorta but also he just kinda wanted some buds. wanting some buds isnt DEVOID of prinicipled idealogy.

i GUESS all to say well the made hero characters who WERE NOT. at the top position of their society. but obviously we know like. hes Oppie... hes... SUPPOSED TO BE. he infact. WILL BE [if they, uh, got to finish the show]. so the powers that be have to hmm. SUCK? and say. like okay i dont wanna say fascist lightly i just. constantly commenting on what 'MUST BE' in someones programming. not as like a factor of. ur a truck u have wheels. but like. 'I thought you were going to be worthy of a position of status but u have failed my imposed expectactions which are not actually of a material nature but a social one' im mean. is that... robot??? eugenics??? "positive eugenics" not "negative eugenics" (<- i believe those are the real terms).

so and like i guess the show would slow [ish] to build to. our guys address the wrongs of their goverment? (~3 specific guys, and a suggested culture) or? maybe some. we cannot fix THERE but we can do good HERE. some sort of. juster society in absentia. right but they didnt quite. get the. what YOU DO get is learning "to be a leader/hero u gotta do. xyz". but thats like. personal scale. what about the absolute historic shit pile of ur planet. ah. unfinished show.

so again im just saying. it invites a stragetic compairson u know. the bad guys got Vision. Got a Scale in mind. it sucks. obviously. but its funny. ur guys also suck, so im not sad if. King Asshole gets Killed. oh he was killed by the people with bad polictics. boo. (you would say that. person of a certain ideology thinking about the polictics of ur toy company kid cartoon)(yup. i would say that. am saying it. now)[<- got my own self commentary coverted again thanks]

oh also to make a running joke about the Meat Heat main guy getting into art (smth smth more tfs thrust into iteration in a world that is not build for their bodies). they kept having the other mains imply theres no cybertronian art. HUH? WHAT? no. theres no painting? maybe. sure (is that natural pigmentation?). maybe. no human like visual art forms? yeah...... okay. but... surely you.... create?? and convey meanings? thru? forms of medias? u have. works of study? smth? maybe all the mains are just kinda. unstudied? being mean? but like. uh. hhhuh? where u all come from sounds like it sucks.

[emeritus-fuckers]

Hello! Hope the match-up event is still going on? I'd like to participate! :D A Papa match would be preferable 👉👈

Sooooo I'm a 20-year old freelance artist, I mostly do traditional and digital paintings, drawings and some animation. Some of my main interests are writing, sewing and fashion history, art history (history overall really) and language learning (I'm multilingual). I love sightseeing/travelling, going to the opera or ballet and talking loooong walks. Aside from that, I'm an amateur cook/pastry chef and have been doing well at that for some years now! :) Despite having some issues with eating myself, one of my favourite pastimes is baking/cooking for my friends and our game nights, it always brings a smile to my face when they enjoy what I've made. My favourite are French, Korean and Italian cuisines so I guess the latter would suit any of the Papas. :P

Oh, I also have two dogs that I love dearly, they're both silly noodle husky/borzoi mixes and they're like five? They like to chill with me when I'm reading. <3

As for my personality, I'm fairly quiet unless spoken to, I can honestly get very talkative discussing most topics. Messes stress me out, I cannot function around them. I'm an extremely anxious person to the point of it causing some serious mental and medical issues, so that's something that sadly has an impact on my everyday life. Sensory overload are a given more often than not (mainly from noise – I can deal with a concert every now and again!), I'm also shit at getting more than 5 hours of sleep a day. I'm a huge perfectionist, that's a flaw that leads me to destroy/discard a large chunk of my works, both verbal and visual. Nothing is ever good enough when it comes to me, my looks or the things I make.

On a more positive note, I used to be very shy around most people but have trained myself out of that and would consider myself fairly charismatic? Hope I'm not tooting my horn too much in this description, damn, YiKeS.

Anywayyyy thank you for all the works you've written for the fandom so far! We love you, byeeee :*

Your match is…Secondo

His hobby is painting, so if you have art to do he’ll paint with you and keep you company.

His favourite piece is a painting he did of you, when you were painting. He hung it up in his office to cheer himself up when he’s got loads of work to do.

He will buy the best seats for the ballet and go with you. He’ll lean across to you, and with a straight face, say his dancing is better. You struggle not to laugh out loud just as the music reaches a quiet part. You see him smile to himself, and he gives your hand a squeeze.

He loves your cooking, especially the Italian dishes you do. He can also cook and date night is sometimes spent in the kitchen cooking together.

He takes it seriously wanting to make the food perfect. But as soon as he gets a moment he’ll walk up behind you and kiss your neck. He’ll pull you close to him and whisper his plans for after the meal in your ear.

That once backfired when you both got far too distracted.

He completely falls in love with your dogs. His favourite thing now is curling up with you all and reading. Sometimes he won’t even read he’ll just sit there and enjoy your company.

He is very tidy so mess isn’t an issue. Even so he has assigned a Ghoul to be on hand to tidy up incase any mess developed. Between him and the Ghouls the place is kept immaculate.

He’ll pay for all your travels and come with you when he can.

He’ll often take you away for a week, any excuse he can find. You will travel all over and sight see as much as possible.

He plans out what sights you will see, and research’s them so he can tell you about them.

Or he’ll hire your own private guide for the day.

~

This post is a part of Match-up Event. The Event ends on July 15th.

Written by Nyx

[punkscowardschampions]

Sylke pt.5 & Co'Neill & Marvie & Slaggie

Sylvie: [‘nothing’ so definitely and defiantly because not even letting your seizures stop us, never mind the shit that isn’t truly life-threatening, we cannot care, soz everyone ‘I want you, this, no one can stop me but you’]

Jake: [not you finding her phone and taking a selfie of y’all snuggling as an I want you too, I say who are you and what have you done with Jake lol]

Sylvie: [when you know you know because likewise here looking at this selfie like is that me, is this who I am now because no one saw this coming, least of all us ‘when’s your mam home today?’ turning to him because had a thought]

Jake: [tell her, even if you then have to be like but my sister is home earlier at such and such a time, depending if she’s working herself tonight or going to her bfs or what, looking at the time on her phone to see how long it gives them]

Sylvie: [‘longer than if they were coming straight from school’ because that’s the main thing here ‘put your pants on and you could meet my parents’ as bants but also like you can because we’re not worried if our fam knows you’re here even though you shouldn’t really have people over when you’re off from school, you know you’re not getting in trouble atm and it is a perk we’re willing to exploit for more time with him]

Jake: [do find and put on the trousers she found for you because then you can go and get her one of the drinks you brought over for her to try and the album you talked about listening to and keep these immaculate vibes going]

Sylvie: [him wearing your clothes absolutely making you feel a type of way even if it wasn’t done in a couply manner it was just necessity but you’re still way more about it than you could have imagined, also having a marvellous time sipping and bopping, at least a more wholesome scene will be ready for your fam to return to lol]

Jake: [gotta give these dogs some love too because shamelessly have been ignored this entire time and then that can remind you to ask her (not during the songs cos we said no talking haha) what Janis said about the dog training thing because y’all were preoccupied by the drama of him leaving etc before so first chance he’s had to ask after her saying she’d message her cousin about it]

Sylvie: [tell him what we reckoned which is no you can’t self-teach them to do the detecting an hour before business but that it would be relatively easy to teach a dog to bark/look for help when you were having a seizure if you were out and about and alone; because of course she still asked even though he could have been like WE CAN NEVER SPEAK AGAIN because she cares]

Jake: [I fully imagine you two just pissing about trying to teach a dog each of hers this, like it’s a competition because she loves to win, but there’s some validity to it as well as it being fun because you’re lowkey testing to see if it would be easy (though neither of these dogs are puppies so not as easy) and whether he should or not]

Sylvie: [absolutely and to be fair, I think MOST dogs would bark if you hit the deck, so getting a puppy and rewarding it for doing that would be so easy so I think this will make you at least consider that it could be useful, the way I know billy elliot is gonna be a big old flop so we’ve given him to you like lol]

Jake: [^^ I agree so you’re defs considering it rn, especially because he’s not even mad about his loss because he’s too busy rolling about on the floor playing with this dog like the child he is and how healing to be doing that where you hit the deck fr earlier]

Sylvie: [ah the heart eyes are so real, go sort yourself out and make sure that you’ve left no incriminating/embarrassing mess anywhere for either your siblings or your parents to find]

Jake: [catch him washing up/tidying up the breakfast stuff from earlier while she’s gone/when she comes back btw, they are so domestic atm it’s DISGUSTING but we love it]

Sylvie: [the way I know your parents would be like ooh a nice boyfriend until your sister, probably, is like um he has a girlfriend lmao]

Jake: [oh she SO would, when you’re being a bitch, like really gotta remind they both and tell the world because you can see how into each other they are, still adore that he gets to meet tomeena though soz not soz]

Sylvie: [what a brilliant time for your salty ass to start catfishing heheh but yeah, you can’t even be mad now when they love him because that is totally to your advantage]

Jake: [he should have dinner with them and these lads should make it so that it’s ready when everyone gets home because he’s used to taking a turn doing that as I said in the China convo and it’ll keep the domestic vibes going]

Sylvie: [you love to see it, out here fully in your fantasy right now guys]

Jake: [me like, fully just pretend you’re in Paris by making something for dinner that has that vibe, I’m right there with you living the fantasy guys like you can stay and live happily ever after haha, he’ll have to leave after dinner I’m sure to get home in time and y’all will be gutted so enjoy it while you can]

Sylvie: [the only thing I can think of is ratatouille which is making me lol but absolutely, got to do it to ‘em, just having the most fun doing the most mundane things right now, don’t analyse that guys or you’ll know you’re falling in love; and soz not soz to your nice boy image but she will need to take you off and say goodbye to you alone because cannot be as extra as we need to be in front of our fam]

Jake: [you just know these nerds are talking french to each other as well because I’m gonna say that’s the language he takes at school for the sake of when they run away to Paris and vibes, speaking of vibes, you absolutely do need that alone goodbye because the kissing he’s gonna do will be INDECENT]

Sylvie: [mhmm, I feel like you’d also do French tbh because why not so you’ll both know enough to again be being disgustingly cute and domestic all up this kitchen until you’re outside or wherever you have gone to kiss this boy and tell him DON’T GO with the intensity of it so you don’t actually say the words]

Jake: [me remembering China takes Italian and CACKLING, soz girl, I was also vibing outside, cliche as that may be, not him literally taking off his jacket and putting it on her like keep it because he do have to go however much he don’t wanna, again walking home without a jacket but with much happier connotations]

Sylvie: [we love a parallel, well done boo, gonna come at him whilst he’s walking]

Sylvie: Promise I won’t blow your phone up

Sylvie: just wanted to say bye, one more time

Jake: Bye again

Sylvie: I’ll send you everything, so you can have it on your phone too

Jake: And I’ll see you tomorrow at [the earliest possible time he can without leaving before his fam and gf because need to let her know we can’t wait]

Sylvie: I know, it’s dumb to be as gutted as I am

Sylvie: that’s only [however many hours it would be]

Jake: No it’s not, that’s [however many hours it would be] too long

Sylvie: I know, I’m being brave not aloof

Sylvie: I’ll work out how many times we could loop our recordings in that time, sounds like a good idea

Jake: Brave’s for sicker kids than us, we don’t have to

Jake: [tell her how many times you could listen to a track off the album you listened to earlier that you’ve decided is y’all’s song]

Sylvie: I can tell you I’ll miss you and you won’t roll your eyes then

Sylvie: How do the lyrics fit so well, sort of mindblowing

Jake: Tell me and I’ll walk back and kiss you, one more time

Sylvie: [send it as a voicenote because of course you are and he needs to hear the !!]

Jake: [when you literally do walk back aka almost run back and kiss her because we all know he’s hardly gone any distance first of all and second of all she’s still standing exactly where he left her outside wearing his jacket, pulling her to him via the collar of it and then putting both hands on the side of her face so dramatically for this KISS]

Sylvie: [of course you are and how cinematic of y’all, here trying to make this one kiss last as long as you can, putting your hands around his waist and pulling him closer]

Jake: [likewise not breaking this kiss for anything because he said one, pushing her against the nearest wall with so much !! whether that’s literally the side of her house or a garage door or anything, no fucks given rn soz not soz everyone, if you hear them no you don’t, pushing his entire body into hers]

Sylvie: [a noise of pure frustration because you aren’t ready for him to go and you want to carry on everything you were doing so badly, still, can’t break this kiss so we’re putting our frustration into this makeout, running your fingers through his hair to the point of tugging it a little like !!]

Jake: [a shameless movement of pure frustration to match her noise because you aren’t ready to go either, letting her feel how immediately turned on you are because of everything y’all have done and everything you’re too ready to do right here and right now, so that you don’t say it in the most extra way possible because can’t break the kiss or you gotta leave]

Sylvie: [the NOISE that is somewhere between a gasp and a whine about how badly you want him, more shamelessly feeling him every which way you can whilst maintaining being attached at the lips, figuring if you talk directly into his mouth, using the kiss to take appropriate pauses, then that still counts, however much harder this makes saying anything coherent, you have to ‘please’]

Jake: [as shamelessly continuing to move as if you aren’t in too public of a place for this because we do not care, all we care about is how much we need her rn, hence literally telling her by talking directly into her mouth too, following her lead on that that it doesn’t count]

Sylvie: [‘come back inside and fuck me, stay’ because uninterested in the practicalities, some vague notion of being able to think of an excuse somehow but honestly you’re too busy trying to fight your clothes off here in a way that would let y’all do this without fully exposing yourselves]

Jake: [when there is 0 hesitation, soz everyone, he’s literally pulling her back towards this gaff whilst still kissing her and with the other hand going under her waistband/undoing whatever zip or button he has to, to touch her, no thought to practicalities or indecency or anything, getting as far as another wall that’s next to her actual front door and just going at this makeout and fingering SO shamelessly]

Sylvie: [couldn’t be more into it if we tried, his name is being whimpered before it’s being moaned dangerously loud, managing to LOOK at him, like you’re not nose to nose, as you finally work out how to touch him too with the current clothing situation, going to do the most so fast and furious here, not a moment to lose]

Jake: [you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do lads and we respect it, it’s your nothing’s stopping you attitude letting you do the most once again, nothing to see or hear here everyone, gotta moan the character’s name from that film for her because you’re clearly matching their !! energy atm and you loves it]

Sylvie: [mhmm, we’d be lying if we said we weren’t living for this, there is no hiding from each other and now we aren’t attempting to hide from anyone, just throwing a full line of dialogue that works at him, said like it’s the filthiest thing in the world even if it’s not really]

Jake: [do something from that scene of the film you watched on a loop to give the same energy, whatever that may be whether you’re picking her up or doing a dramatic hair pull or grabbing her throat or whatever it may be, something you can do one handed because you’re not moving the one you’re fucking her with, you can’t]

Sylvie: [the guy’s name coming out as your eyes roll, spitting onto your hands to do more for him and be more feral ‘if we ever go back to school-’ just THINKING about doing this in so many places across campus ‘almost worth it’]

Jake: [‘we should tomorrow’ because THINKING about it too but obvs you can’t also stop THINKING about all the things you could do if you didn’t so ‘maybe’ your voice so hoarse and catching on the maybe because all the possibilities are overwhelming when you didn’t know you’d have any of them not long ago]

Sylvie: [‘you deep inside me for an entire lesson, teaching me the only thing worth knowing’ because deep down you know you cannot so the fantasy is so appealing because you also shouldn’t be doing this yet you are, kissing him messier like his voice is hoarse because he’s parched]

Jake: [y’all making this wetter and louder when you should be trying to do the opposite so you don’t get caught is so real, this boy near enough up to his wrist with how deep inside her he is when she says that, which there’s nothing remotely subtle about so you truly might as well be fucking against her house at this point, god bless]

Sylvie: [‘I’d let you fuck me on a stage’ as if in response to how out of control this is getting like try me, I don’t care world, pushing him against your stomach, using that friction to your advantage]

Jake: [we all know he’s that bitch and that’s a fantasy he’s had, so telling her about it but like it’s what they are going to do at this cool kid event as he pushes her against her actual front door now, a very dangerous game but we’re nevertheless playing it]

Sylvie: [pulling your top/bra down so you’re now flashing too, the unhinged movements you are making combining this fantasy with the reality of being against your front door ‘show them who I belong to’]

Jake: [barely giving her a chance to flash before you’re pulling it down more with the teeth and covering all her exposed skin with your mouth in such a !! manner, leaving all the marks ever, his hand finally getting out of her but only so he can open her legs more shamelessly, grabbing her to do it in a way that’ll blatantly leave finger marks there too, pushing himself actually inside her even if it is only the tip again like earlier because there are so many clothes]

Sylvie: [I imagine you only put your PJs or leggings or something like that on because not got anywhere so the way we’re going to rip the crotch of whatever it is we’re wearing and yet again fully expose ourself to you when we push our knickers to the side, sorry we are OBSESSED with this boy and we have to give ourself to him right here right now]

Jake: [everybody stay in your lane, fam inside the house and peeps outside of it both because they are just fully going for this now, pulling her back to the wall near the door so the door isn’t just rattling away and getting them caught with how hard he needs to go at this, giving her the most indecent lovebite on her chest as well obvs, that goes without saying, and we can’t talk about the muffled but UNHINGED sound he makes the first time he really gets to fully thrust into her properly, out here almost cumming immediately from it]

Sylvie: [not only is he biting you all over, you now have to chew your own knuckles to keep the feral noises you are making from being screams at this point honestly, thank god it’ll be a quickie because neither of you can cope]

Jake: [me and my boo like lads you gotta be quick for all the reasons here and we’re so right, even though you both know he’ll have to go after and so you want this to be and last forever, no no it would be embarrassingly quick in a different context honestly but embarrassment is the last thing either of you are feeling about it]

Sylvie: [even if you weren’t in a post-orgasm haze, you still wouldn’t be embarrassed, literally exactly what you wanted and didn’t even know you did]

Jake: [we’re only soz he ever has to leave, but he won’t be rn because he can’t go walking off anywhere til he’s taken a sec to recover and also we all know he’s having to hold her up too rn so, it’s how intense the heart eyes are for me though]

Sylvie: [kissing him really softly, honestly just catching your breath against his mouth as he catches his, smoothing down your clothes but without looking so only a vague attempt at getting out of this precarious position]

Jake: [in contrast, LOOKING everywhere she isn’t as she smoothes her clothes, helping to re-dress her but getting very distracted for a second touching the newest lovebite he did on her chest softly like oh fuck cos can’t yet fully believe any of that just happened, pulling his jacket around her so tightly as if she’s cold missy girl ‘I think you’re really cool’ sounds casual but there’s such a quiet intensity to it and we all know it’s a Jake style declaration of love]

Sylvie: [snuggling into this jacket he is wrapping around you ‘I’ll keep it on’ as if you can inside the entire time he’s gone because have to stay close to him somehow, doing a little smile from behind the collar of said jacket, hiding your face even more but not entirely because you want him to see the BLUSH he’s made you do anew ‘you’re cool too’ like you’ve just told him you want to get married and have babies, the way you are DYING over it ‘you have to go’ wishing it wasn’t a statement but it is, the little sigh with it]

Jake: [running a hand through his hair as he does an identical little smile back which gets bigger when she says he’s cool too because we all know what you’re both saying, picking up the sleeve of his jacket and uncovering her hand where it’s lowkey buried in there, holding said hand for a beat, SQUEEZING it ‘But I don’t want to’ as a statement of fact, taking steps like he’s gonna walk her home with him, only letting go when their arms can’t stretch any further and they have to]

Sylvie: [literally stumbling after him for a step or two before you stop, holding your own hand to replace the feeling you’ve just lost from his, just being heartbreaking about this accidentally because it’s just how you feel, shaking your head, because you can’t stay out here again and make him come back again so very reluctantly get inside your house after you’ve waved him out of your drive]

Jake: [not you dramatically putting your hand to your mouth like you’re hysterical because you’re looking at her being so 🥺 and that’s the facial expression you can’t help doing about it before you finally have to walk away and spend the whole of said walk just thinking about what a day it’s been]

China: [again, at work, always]

China: Jake, are you okay?

Jake: What do you mean?

China: Not going to school yesterday or today, that’s not like you

China: has something happened with someone or some teacher?

Jake: I already told you I didn’t want to, I don’t get why you’re interrogating me about it

China: I’m not trying to interrogate you

China: but you can talk to me, if you need to

Jake: You know what a big deal [the cool kid event] is for me

China: Okay, so you’re just focusing on that right now?

Jake: I was up all night, I couldn’t just go to school like I wasn’t

China: I don’t mind, you know we worry about you

Jake: None of you need to

China: Is the song finished now?

Jake: I’m taking tomorrow too

China: You can look at my notes for the lessons we have together

China: I could ask to get you the rest, I don’t know what you’ve been telling the school though, why you’re off

Jake: It’s cool, [tell her which friends of yours are in which classes she isn’t because I’m sure there’s one in every you popular bitch, like don’t worry I’ll get notes from them]

China: I guess it is nbd then, sorry

Jake: It’s only a few days

China: Right

China: well, everyone misses you

Jake: I’ll see everyone at [this event]

China: It’ll be awesome

Jake: It feels like the first time in forever you aren’t working

China: I know, sucks doesn’t it

Jake: For you more than me, everyone must miss you too

China: It would be wrong of me to be at yours as often as I am and not offer your ma anything

Jake: You’re not a lodger, babe, you’re there with me

China: I’m still another mouth that it’s not her job to feed, and I don’t mind, really

China: we all have to pay our way eventually, I’m just ahead of the curve

Jake: I guess, that place just feels really exploitative, the long hours they make you do and they barely pay you anything

China: Nowhere super legit wants to hire teenagers, I can go somewhere else, even when I’m 16, the prospects will be better

China: but it’s not that bad

Jake: I worry about you, it goes both ways

China: Awh, I know

China: you’re sweet to but I promise, I’m fine

Jake: You know you can tell me if you’re not

China: Of course

China: why wouldn’t I be?

Jake: I don’t know, yesterday when we were home together it seemed like you weren’t

China: It did?

Jake: Is there something you want to talk to me about?

China: I don’t think so

China: I just didn’t want to miss starting [the book in English], you know me

Jake: I’m sorry, I should’ve let you go in

China: No it’s my fault, I should’ve been more chill

China: I tried

Jake: I didn’t think it would upset you this much, it’s my fault, I was being totally selfish

China: No, not at all

China: It doesn’t even matter, I got the notes today and they only did 2 chapters

Jake: It was important to you and I dismissed it for what I wanted to do

China: [this cool kid event] is important to you though

Jake: I understand now why you’ve been off with me though, you’re within your rights to be

China: Babe, I wasn’t trying to be off with you

Jake: I know, it’s okay

China: But I mean, how, what was I being like? I didn’t realise I was

Jake: You were obviously hurt about how thoughtless I can be, and tired too, probably

China: You’re not thoughtless I don’t think that, I swear

Jake: I feel like I hardly see you sometimes, that’s all

Jake: I thought it would be cool for us to spend the day together, I didn’t realise you didn’t want that

China: No, it was cool

China: I wish I’d not said anything now, I didn’t mean it like that

Jake: I should’ve said something before, that’s my fault too

China: I should have known this was how you were feeling

Jake: You have to work, there’s nothing either of can do about it

China: Do you want me to stay home with you tomorrow?

Jake: You can’t

Jake: [a test or an assignment or something]’s tomorrow, you’ve spent too long on it to miss the lesson

China: But I feel awful

Jake: You’re coming to [the cool kid event] and supporting me

China: That’s not good enough, not if you don’t feel like I’m there for you the rest of the time

Jake: It isn’t your fault

China: I’m a bad girlfriend, I always have been

Jake: No, I’m asking more of you than you can give me, I’m in the wrong

China: But that’s not right, it isn’t fair for you to go without

Jake: It isn’t right or fair for me to expect you to drop everything, I shouldn’t have done that

China: But I don’t mind

China: I should have better priorities 

Jake: I’m being the lad I said I wouldn’t, I mind that I am

China: But it’s my fault

Jake: You haven’t done anything, it’s me

China: No, you were trying to do something nice and I ruined it

Jake: It was only nice for one of us, that doesn’t count

China: It should have been for me, it was

Jake: I misjudged things

China: Just tell me what to do to make it up to you

Jake: You don’t have to, we’ve cleared the air now, it’s out in the open how we both feel

China: Are you sure?

Jake: Yeah

China: I’ll do better, I promise

Jake: Just promise you’re not mad at me

China: How could I be mad at you?

China: I’m the one who fucked up

Jake: You’re not, we’ve always had our similarities and our differences

China: 😔

Jake: Please don’t be upset

China: I’m not with you

Jake: It’s been hard navigating getting back together, basically living together, harder than I thought it would be

China: I can go home, that’s not an issue

China: if it will make things better

Jake: I can’t let you do that

China: Yes, you can

Jake: Yours isn’t good for you, that’s why you’re at mine

China: I just don’t like the guy, it’s really not that bad

Jake: You always say things aren’t that bad when they are

China: They’re not, I mean it

Jake: I care about you too much to just send you back

China: I don’t want to be a burden

Jake: You have to stay, it’d stress me out thinking about what could happen

China: Nothing would happen, you know my sister is a liar

Jake: I know your mother wouldn’t stop it, she doesn’t protect you so you need to let me

China: Nothing like that has ever happened

Jake: You’d tell me, wouldn’t you?

China: Oh my God

China: I’m serious, that’s disgusting

Jake: Yeah, he’d be disgusting for it, for hurting you in any way

China: Stop

China: I don’t want to talk about this, I don’t know why you’re even thinking about it

Jake: You didn’t tell me about him before, keeping that from me, not wanting to go home to the point you’d sleep at Cian’s instead

Jake: it goes deeper than not liking him, there’s still things you aren’t telling me

China: Why do we have to talk about this, why are you so

China: intense about it

Jake: Intense?

Jake: you’re talking about going back home where you aren’t safe, how do you want me to be?

China: I am safe!

Jake: Why are you lying to me?

China: I’m not

China: You think I’m not safe but I am, you should believe me when I tell you that

Jake: But I don’t

Jake: you lied before and you’re lying now

China: How am I lying?

Jake: You said yourself you don’t want to be a burden, you care more about that than telling me the truth

China: Because you’ve made me feel bad

Jake: This isn’t going to be any different than last time if you won’t talk to me

China: We are talking, right now

Jake: I don’t know what else I can do

China: You don’t trust me

Jake: You’re not being honest with me

China: You say I’m lying when you don’t like my answer

Jake: How could you say that I want things to be like this?

China: You wouldn’t tell me how to fix it

China: you’re clearly still upset with me so just tell me and I’ll do it

Jake: I’m scared for you

China: Why

Jake: If you don’t like my answers and walk out, it’s back to that

Jake: I know you, I know what it’s not that bad means

China: Way to make me sound unreasonable

Jake: I don’t want you to get hurt, ever, for any reason

China: I’m not going to, Jake

Jake: Why else would you go to Cian’s? Unless you’re going to tell me that I was actually right all along and you did it to hurt and punish me, knowing I’d hear about it

Jake: Is that what happened?

China: Why would I be trying to hurt you, you hadn’t dumped me by that point

China: That’s WHY you dumped me, remember

Jake: Help me to understand then

China: There’s nothing to understand, he’s my friend

China: like Sam was yours, why does it have to be anything dramatic

Jake: He’s 19 and he fancies you and you know that, but you still went there instead of home

China: And you knew Sam fancied you

Jake: No I didn’t, I thought she was my friend

China: Right

China: You don’t think you get preferential treatment from some people because they think you’re good-looking

Jake: That’s different from you acting like I led Sam on or something, it’s really hurtful you’d say that after what she did

China: You just accused me of sleeping with Cian, how is that not hurtful

Jake: I asked you what your motivations were for going there if you could’ve just gone home, when originally you made me believe it was so bad that you couldn’t

China: I just wanted to hang out, you had left, everyone else had, they were still around, why is that such a crime?

Jake: It’s a different story than the one you told me before, that’s why

China: Not wanting to be at home doesn’t mean it’s dangerous, I never said that

Jake: You let me think it was, this whole time

Jake: How could you do that?

China: You don’t listen to me

Jake: You’re as big of a liar as your sister is

China: Wow

Jake: I’ve been worried sick about you, my entire family has

China: Which I never wanted!

China: I just wanted to be with you, not be looked after by you

Jake: I can’t be with you

China: You said your family wanted me here and they don’t

Jake: I said my family love you, they do

China: You shouldn’t have basically moved me in if they aren’t cool with it

Jake: They were cool with it or I wouldn’t have

China: They’re not

Jake: That’s not true

China: Okay, now you’re not being honest with yourself

Jake: If they had a problem with it, they’d have told me

China: Do you need to be told? It’s so awkward like most of the time

Jake: Not everything is about you, they have their own stuff

China: I can’t carry on this conversation right now

Jake: You don’t want to, you mean

China: I mean you’re being mean and this isn’t helping anything

Jake: Cool, go, I don’t want to talk to you right now either

Sylvie: Did you have to be like that with him? 

Sylvie: It was pretty awkward

Margot: Like what?

Sylvie: Idk, rude

Sylvie: He’s been nice to me, since all that bullshit with that Sam girl and stuff

Margot: I wasn’t rude

Sylvie: It was uncomfortable, bringing up his girlfriend like that in front of mammy and daddy

Margot: It’s uncomfortable you were both acting like that when he has a girlfriend

Sylvie: What’s it to you?

Margot: It was uncomfortable from my front row seat

Margot: I was trying to eat [whatever they made]

Sylvie: You’re welcome, btw

Sylvie: He’s just my friend, why would that make you uncomfortable

Margot: Friends don’t 😍  at each other across the table

Sylvie: Don’t be a baby, of course they can

Margot: Of course you could be his bit on the side

Sylvie: And don’t be a bitch either

Margot: I’m not

Sylvie: You are, you don’t know his girlfriend, why are you here taking her side when he’s just a guest in our house

Margot: Until he goes home to her, everyone knows what the situation is

Sylvie: I told you, we’re friends, you act like you know better than me what’s going on

Sylvie: I’m not stupid

Margot: And I told you, I know what I saw

Margot: I’m not stupid either

Sylvie: I don’t need your superior moral judgment about it, thank you 

Margot: I haven’t given it

Margot: facts are facts

Sylvie: No one needs you to state them, I know what you’re doing when you do

Sylvie: Mammy and daddy don’t need to be worried about it

Margot: I know what you’re doing, you’re not bothered about if they’re worried, but you are about carrying on under their noses

Sylvie: Like what do you think they’re going to do, Go? It’s a teenage relationship, they’re not going to drop their own daughter in it to inform China, for God’s sake

Margot: You think you can do whatever you want now

Sylvie: Do you want the chronic illness, please, take it

Margot: Mammy and daddy will worry, least pretend you care 

Sylvie: They don’t need to

Margot: Type that ‘til you’re blue in the face if you want

Sylvie: For God’s sake, you saw, they like him

Sylvie: There’s nothing to worry about

Margot: It’s all they do, good luck fighting it

Sylvie: They want to keep me happy, you said it yourself

Margot: I said not in front of me, you wouldn’t like it if me and any of my friends were doing that when you were around

Sylvie: Oh My GOD, I’m sorry

Sylvie: you’re being a prude, but whatever

Margot: You’re being an exhibitionist, you’ve got a room to go to 

Sylvie: Why were you watching if you don’t like it, find something else to do

Margot: I’m not skipping meals for your teenage relationship

Sylvie: Nothing even happened, you’re dramatic

Margot: You made me feel weird, call me a prude again or whatever else

Sylvie: Why would you feel weird?

Margot: You’re my sister, I don’t want to think about you doing things like that

Sylvie: Everyone does it, even parents

Margot: Thanks

Sylvie: Come on, I mean, you don’t have to feel weird

Margot: I feel weird about most boys in general, it isn’t personal to Jake

Sylvie: You could have been politer, that’s all

Margot: I had no warning he was there, you get what you get

Sylvie: It hardly warranted a family group chat, that would have been weird of me

Margot: My polite facade takes work

Sylvie: Not concerning at all but sure

Sylvie: forget about it, like

Margot: 👌👌

Sylvie: You are so lucky your siblings are adults and aren’t weird and in your business

Maggie: I count my lucky stars almost daily, like

Sylvie: Something is wrong with that girl, I’m sure of it

Sylvie: 😬⭐️😓⭐️

Maggie: I live with 3 autistics, nothing shocks me

Sylvie: I’ll slip the test under her door, perhaps?

Maggie: I’ll quiz her next time I’m over 👀

Sylvie: Oh, did you give Jake’s stuff to China, he wasn’t in school today again

Maggie: What am I, an amateur? I went to his with it

Maggie: she’d only think I was getting with the lad if I handed her his jacket and the like

Sylvie: It was a bit of a fool’s errand anyway, I ended up seeing him again today myself, but thanks

Maggie: You’re alright, not my first

Sylvie: How did you even know where he lives though?

Maggie: I’ve my ways

Sylvie: Right, you know everyone

Maggie: Ruin the magic, but [someone] lives on his road

Sylvie: 🔮🐦

Sylvie: I’ve not been to his house yet

Maggie: That yet’s showing you up

Maggie: so then, come on

Sylvie: I talked to him, like you said, next day and he weren’t thinking all the mental shit I’d convinced myself he was 

Maggie: He were thinking about you, I called it

Sylvie: He only stopped because it was the right thing to do, not because he wanted to

Maggie: Told yous, just like my daddy, they all are

Maggie: the good ones, I mean

Sylvie: Alright but I can’t cope with the comparison to your da right now 

Maggie: What was it like?

Sylvie: 😳

Sylvie: He talked to me all night, even though she must have been there

Sylvie: and we watched [the film, which I’m sure she knows is your favourite] and he was going to come over but his sister caught him trying to sneak out so he came today and we spent all day together

Maggie: Not your fave! And with THAT scene as well…

Sylvie: I’m in danger of breaking the tape, honestly

Maggie: We can get you another, don’t even worry about that

Sylvie: Just don’t tell Libs

Maggie: Ah, if I were that bitch, which don’t get it twisted, I’m no, she’ll not care

Maggie: my niece has already forgotten that boy’s name and that’s if she ever knew it

Sylvie: I meant about the tape but glad she won’t be devastated too, obviously

Sylvie: He’s so much cooler than all that makes him seem

Maggie: Oh right, there’s me forgetting it was her mammy and daddy’s

Maggie: ‘course he is, she’s cooler than that carry on makes her seem too

Sylvie: He brought [the album] and we listened to that too

Maggie: [talk about the album for a sec because of course you’ve already heard it, you know everyone, why not mention their song as one you like, just cos I can]

Sylvie: That one is my favourite

Maggie: Where was your mammy today? She’s always in

Sylvie: The nearer she gets to publication she has all sorts of meetings, she was in town all day, thank god

Sylvie: But we should probably go to his tomorrow, I’ll have to subtly see what she’s up to

Maggie: Don’t take this wrong and as dead unsubtle, but let us know if there’s somewhere you need me to go for you in town

Sylvie: Oh, right

Sylvie: I’d forgotten, your mammy wouldn’t mind doing that for me

Maggie: Never

Maggie: and I don’t mind saying it’s for me if needs be too

Sylvie: Hmm, I suppose it does put her in an awkward situation with my ‘rents

Sylvie: but I don’t care, use your discretion 

Maggie: Will do

Sylvie: Do I make him get condoms or shall I?

Sylvie: I wish you didn’t have to bother, seems like such a hassle

Maggie: I can get ‘em for yous on the same run, no bother

Sylvie: I know I should be more sensible, having loads of cautionary tales to take from

Sylvie: it really just happened and then happened again

Maggie: These things must, or there’d not be all the cautionary tales

Sylvie: It’s hard to care in the moment

Sylvie: Margot was being a bitch, acting like I should about China or something, I don’t even know what her point was

Maggie: Any ammo, you just get her back up at the minute, don’t matter what you’re up to

Sylvie: She’s jealous, of the attention, not him

Maggie: Yeah

Maggie: and no shit not Jake, no offence meant to the lad there but she’s sure not into ‘em

Sylvie: Exactly

Sylvie: or she would be

Maggie: You had sex with Jacob Cohen, let’s us let that sink in

Maggie: twice

Sylvie: Aren’t you proud

Maggie: Is this what being a mammy’s like? Might have to rush myself into it if it is 😁

Sylvie: Maybe yours, mine would cry for a week I bet

Maggie: Mine’s nothing to trouble herself with yet, I’ve not done things what have that ending

Sylvie: You’re too young

Sylvie: I weren’t planning on it either 

Maggie: I’ve not met the boy for it, is all

Sylvie: Your parents have given you rather high expectations accidentally there, like

Maggie: Sky high

Maggie: but no word to my daddy, he’d make the lad cry for a week

Sylvie: Yeah… tell your ma the pill is for me, she’ll not grass

Sylvie: whereas if she thinks you’re doing the deed she might feel like she has to tell your dad

Maggie: Catch him walking himself ‘round Dublin town out for blood off some poor boy who don’t exist yet

Sylvie: Exactly, let’s not put that on my plate

Sylvie: My parents would get over it, should they find out

Sylvie: Margot was acting like I was tonguing him at the dinner table so maybe they’ve suspicions if she’s even vaguely on the money there

Maggie: Any daughter of mine and you’d have been doing something, footsie at least, bare minimum

Sylvie: 😅

Sylvie: There might’ve been something

Maggie: There, I knew it

Sylvie: Not AT the table but after when he had to go

Maggie: It’s the saddest bit, you’ve to leave ‘em with a parting gift to soften the blow for the both of you

Sylvie: I can see why she moves herself in whenever she gets a fella

Sylvie: I just wanted him to stay

Maggie: I’ll move mine into here, collect the lad in the morning with the eggs for a pick me up 🌞

Sylvie: Too bad Jake’s family really care about him, what are the chances, eh

Maggie: Low usually, unless they’re one of them boy mammy’s 

Maggie: in fairness, Cohen’s giving his mammy’s little prince

Sylvie: It’s only his ma and his older sister and him, so

Maggie: I’ve met her at [wherever his sister works, cos you’re just that bitch], the sister

Sylvie: What’s she like?

Maggie: She was working so she had to be nice to me, but I reckon she would’ve had she not been

Sylvie: Not that it matters, I’m hardly going to be meeting her, or his mammy

Sylvie: she’s a nurse, you’ve probably met her too

Maggie: I only have gone and too! She’s at the ED

Maggie: when I fell over on my skates

Sylvie: Called it

Maggie: Can’t lie, loved her

Sylvie: Gutted I’m the bit on the side then

Maggie: Have you and him talked about it?

Sylvie: He’s not going to leave her, not now

Sylvie: it’s awkward, she lives there ‘cos she don’t want to be at home

Maggie: Never say never, all sorts can happen

Sylvie: All I care about is him, if that’s what he’s gotta do then it’s what he’s gotta do

Maggie: As long as he cares about you I’ll let him off

Sylvie: He wants to go to my next appointment with me

Sylvie: I don’t know though

Maggie: What’s worrying you, it’ll scare him off?

Sylvie: I don’t know, not really

Sylvie: what if he makes a fuss, like everyone else

Sylvie: I don’t want that from him

Maggie: You wanna still be seen as a ride to him, the girl he had sex with twice, not the sick girl

Sylvie: Which is stupid, considering, I know he’s not going to do it

Maggie: Wouldn’t be the move when he’s a sick boy who’s not gonna be after you doing it back

Sylvie: I still hate the idea of it, even if it’s illogical at this point

Maggie: You’re allowed, don’t dwell on the idea too hard though

Sylvie: I trust him

Sylvie: not with everything, don’t worry but this, I do

Maggie: And I trust you, like

Sylvie: I can’t say but he’s already been vulnerable with me about his so I know he won’t be a twat about mine

Maggie: He don’t seem the sort anyway

Sylvie: I can’t stop thinking about him

Sylvie: What do you think the etiquette is, when can I message him, when can I not?

Maggie: When’d he leave yours?

Sylvie: [tell her the embarrassingly short time ago lmao]

Sylvie: I know

Maggie: He messaged you when she was asleep, or so you reckon, go for a similar time?

Sylvie: Good idea

Sylvie: she works too but

Sylvie: that’s safer

Maggie: Where’s she work? If I know somebody I’ll find out what shift she’s on

Sylvie: I’m not sure, I just know that he’s home alone a lot

Sylvie: It’s cool, maybe I should wait for him to message me instead?

Maggie: Bear with while I get the info, you don’t need to use it

Sylvie: If spy was a real job, you could consider it

Maggie: [do come back with those deets because you really do know everyone lol]

Sylvie: Cross that off the list when we next go into town for lunch then

Maggie: I know people have to work but I couldn’t be putting in her hours at your age

Sylvie: She’s probably saving for Uni already

Maggie: Jesus, she’s that sort, I bet she is

Sylvie: How anyone has any idea what they want to do yet is beyond me

Maggie: If I were a lad my daddy’d be telling us what I’m to do already, I’d be out with him every day, or someone he knows who hates us less than the others

Sylvie: Not you 👑

Maggie: God said he’s enough sons to boss ‘round

Sylvie: It’d probably be different for you anyway, right

Maggie: Mammy gets her say, unlike his wife who’s culturally gagged

Sylvie: The parallels keep on coming

Maggie: Just as well or I’d be years shut in instead of going into town for you

Sylvie: I owe you

Maggie: Nah, I’m happy for you, can’t wait for my own parallels

Sylvie: It’ll happen

Sylvie: maybe at [the cool kid event]

Maggie: I have heard [whoever she has a crush on at the min]’s thinking of showing his face

Sylvie: Better perfect our looks then

Maggie: Best not do fancy dress, you don’t wanna go as far into the parallel as makeup everywhere and shite that’s impossible to take off

Sylvie: You’re right

Sylvie: minimum lipstick it is for the foreseeable too

Maggie: Lads never think of these things and before you know it’s too late and what are you to do?

Sylvie: Not co-ordinate my colour with hers, even your sources aren’t going that far

Maggie: They could, but last thing you’re after’s reminding him of her

Sylvie: I hope not

Maggie: Not coming for the girl’s life, but nah, you don’t

Sylvie: Does your mam ever feel bad now, about your dad’s wife?

Maggie: Yeah, but there’s some things that can’t be changed no matter what, which ain’t where you are

Sylvie: No, I know, I was just thinking

Maggie: I feel bad too, that he can’t be with us all the time and when hes he’s taking off the other kids of his, grown as they are, but at least he would if he could, loads of the others don’t have that with their daddies

Sylvie: It’s complicated, you can have complicated feelings about it, I reckon

Maggie: I used to think if I behaved like how he wanted 😇 he could just stay, when I was little, but I know now

Sylvie: I can’t imagine how confusing it must’ve been

Maggie: It still can be, but I have him whether his name or not

Maggie: and he loves us

Sylvie: There’s no doubting that, or you’d not be here

Maggie: What would you do then, eh?

Sylvie: I’d have to ask your mammy for the morning-after-pill direct, for starters

Maggie: And there’s no telling where she’d be or what she’d be doing with herself

Sylvie: A shut-in like Auntie Ro, perhaps

Maggie: We’re not thinking about that, enough, as my daddy would say

Sylvie: 🤐 Psychically will him to message me and I will go radio silent like THAT, I promise

Maggie: Ah, I see how it is

Maggie: but I’m on it, as I’m a better mate than yous

Sylvie: When you and [the aforementioned crush] start necking on, I’ll completely understand being ditched

Maggie: Gotta do something while the other JC’s 🎸🎤 I know you’re into him but it’s not for his music why

Sylvie: I never paid attention before, honestly

Maggie: He’d be alright if [drag his music a lil bit because you can, you’re a musical girlie like your mother, but in a constructive way not just being a shady cow]

Sylvie: I’ll have to let you know my thoughts

Sylvie: if I have any that aren’t too 😍 to be shared, obvs

Maggie: I’m guessing you’re his new muse, which’ll make all my criticisms there invalid, we’ll see

Sylvie: Listening to songs about her will be a little feckin awkward, yeah, hadn’t considered

Maggie: He’s only doing the one and it’ll be about you, I’d bet my life

Sylvie: Nah 💀💀

Maggie: 🔮✨

Sylvie: We did record it, the first time

Sylvie: not video too, like

Maggie: I was about to say, you know better, keep that face out the frame

Sylvie: 🤷‍♀️ No comment

Maggie: That’s seriously well smart though, grabbing a memento of it

Maggie: not to fully channel my niece 

Sylvie: If it all goes to shit now, at least I can still remember how good it was

Maggie: I’m stealing that idea for sure

Sylvie: Jake liked it

Sylvie: and everything Libi is about annoyed him on the whole so

Maggie: She does have that effect on the whole, bless her

Sylvie: I don’t think Bobby and China fucked though

Sylvie: you would’ve heard

Maggie: [Someone] saw ‘em together and there’s no chance from what they’ve said

Sylvie: I suppose it’s a lot to go from no friends to full boyfriend status, poor kid

Maggie: She can’t sign, it’d be like me hanging with [someone foreign they both know, whether that’s foreign exchange or like the cliche family run shop/takeaway] and calling him my fella

Sylvie: You don’t need to sign to get your point across

Maggie: The point they were both after making, nah

Sylvie: Clearly didn’t realise what bad timing she picked trying to move in with that lot 

Maggie: Poor girl

Sylvie: It’s not good reasoning to be in a relationship

Maggie: It weren’t a relationship, but true

Sylvie: Anyway, I can’t be thinking about this

Maggie: Yeah, don’t be

Sylvie: I’ve got delusion to live in whilst I can

Maggie: And I’ve always things to do, life of a spy

Sylvie: 🕵️‍♀️✌️

[inkdrunkworddrunk]

my friend and i share this stupid Gen Z Dark Humor shit that always leaves the Older People flabbergasted. it's always the i-want-to-kill-myself's and i-want-to-die's that get thrown around our conversations. and of course, i know it's a joke.

but the joke only ever applies to him.

every time he delivers another doom-ish line, something along the lines of this-life-is-not-worth-living-at-all, i would give him the inevitable "same," like any digital native would. what always happens after, however, is, i get—and let's use the internet's misused/overly used therapy word—"triggered" by it.

my mind would echo with his words "i hope i die tomorrow..." over and over again until i'm chanting it to myself. i would respond to a shitty TikTok he'd send with an equally shitty meme that would make the both of us do that infamous exhale sharply through my nose but not really laugh thing.

and after the conversation has gone quiet, i would find myself curled up in my bed, doing that whole staring at the ceiling thing that people who are lonely do at 3:10 a.m., going over, once again, for the billionth time, the steps i would take before i do in fact execute what cannot be undone.

i will first write letters. to my friend, as we have joked, told me i should at least write him 2 whole pages of a letter. so i will do just that. 2 whole pages just for him. then i'd write to my parents, probably 5 for each of them. my siblings, maybe 1 for each. and then i'd write on my sticky notes that i never seem to run out of, and i guess would never run out ever, my passwords, to my phone, my bank, my social media accounts. i will also delete my history, so they could at least remain to know me as i've shown them and not someone with an extremely wild imagination and very much so down bad for a fictional character.

then i will tidy up my room, give it a thorough clean. i will wipe down my book shelves. dust away the cobwebs that appears a month after cleaning it off. i will organize my desk. throw out things i don't need to keep. fold my clothes. change my bedsheets. scrub down my bathroom and make my windows squeaky clean. that way my family wouldn't need to clean it out. or maybe they still will.

i will kiss my dog good night.

and of course, i will not deprive myself the opportunity to die pretty. i will wear this blouse that i needed to buy for a university event and pair it up with the flowy floral skirt that i really loved.

the thing is, what my good friend doesn't know, and i guess, never will, is, i already have a plan. i have it all mapped out in my head. how i would do it, where i would do it, when i would it. and it's such a stupidly funny thing that that phrase "you don't really know what's going on with a person" could apply to me, his self-proclaimed best friend. and as far as the best friend thing goes, we are supposed to tell each other every thing, right? we tell each other how our parents are so annoying because, well, they're parents. we talk about how we can rent an apartment together and live like two best buddies would. except, well, i don't tell him anything. he does all the talking. he tells me every single thing, from his first girlfriend, his first car, his solo trips, annoying meetups, to his insecurities that i don't know how to help him with.

my misery has consumed me in ways i have never thought it would. i always thought i would be able to punch my way out of it, crawl if i had to. i didn't realize that the floor would be slippery and made of thick cement, something i definitely cannot punch or crawl my way out of. my fingers are bleeding and my knees are bruised.

i'm tired.

(same💀)

[krs724490]

6/12/2023

The quantity of stuff to write feels as if it is too much for the human hand unassisted by the keyboard. My handwriting cannot keep up with the pace of my mind and so I come here to let it all out...

I believe in signs. I believe the world is an intentional place. I know this more than ever now. There is not a leaf, a speck of dust, a feather floating in the wind that God does not know about. So I read into these signs and symbols and lately they all contradict themselves. As the story unfolds I get increasingly confused.

I pull a tarot card. 2 of cups, upside down. “Blinded by infatuation. Disillusionment within a love relationship or close friendship. Overindulging in sensuality.” Everything comes to a halt. I know exactly what it means. I know that it’s true. Somehow I have woven this insane story in my head. Based off of what? There is no substance, no truth behind it. It’s all so spun in my mind. I acknowledge the card - bitch I knowwww. I’m trying to put it down! I’m just having a hard time!

Yesterday night I attended breathwork. I went in having no clue what would come up. No expectations, and again I was completely shocked by what came up. So caught off guard because I didn’t realize how deeply embedded in my psyche he was. It was his face. Head on. Just his face, his head, like he was a floating memoji that apple just invented but like not a cartoon, his real features. Chocolate brown eyes that sparkle. A little bit of stubble. Just his face. and the frustration I felt. I’ve just gotten out of a relationship. I’ve been working hard to stay inside of myself and not direct my energy towards men. I’ve been wanting to weave the independent woman narrative who is working on herself to create the most beautiful “side of the street” her side of the street, a solid side of the street. The fact that I paid for this breathwork session just to see Daniels face? Just to work up shit about him? Preposterous. Unthinkable. ANNOYING. The girl next to me was screaming like hell and all I could think was girl.. me too. Why is this my experience right now? Always why God? Not trusting God. Not understanding his plan. I sat there and I questioned him. Because if my life was a movie and someone was writing the plot, this would be about the chapter where the independent girlie takes flight. I couldnt understand why him. I reached out to Toni’s mat and I said to God, she can have him. She can have EVERY ounce of him. Just please release me from this hold he has on me. I would pay to have it removed. It feels like such an uncontrollable thing. I wish I didn’t have it, but it is not my will it is Gods will, so I will sit with the disease. It truly feels like a hinderance at this point. I let go of this portion of the session and my emotions started to settle. I started to wander. and then... I got angry. I wanted to fight for my independent life. For the ME. For my half of the puzzle that has nothing to do with anybody else. So I breathed HARDER and I triggered more experience because I was unwilling to accept my initial experience. I saw this room. My room. My white and golden room. God’s glowing, Golden girl. She is tidy. She is connected to this space. She doesn’t live in it, she lives of it, with it, as if it is an extension of her body. She loves this space with her whole heart because it nourishes her. It is her sanctuary. The vision was of a witch, pixie, a goddess who lives in this very room. She keeps her spine long, head held high. She has spirit constantly flowing through her. She seeks God with every ounce of her energy. She presents herself in a way that gives her confidence. She is on the same level as the world, she lives with it, she does not try to float above it. She allows the “bad” just as much as the good. She welcomes all of it with open arms, trusting in God’s mystery. She sees people, she cares about how they are doing, she cares about getting to know them, she cares about their stories because she knows thats the only way to make a true difference in the world. To see people and to listen intently. To put a hand on their back and make them feel loved, cared for, attended to. She always chooses to say hi. She also has bags under her eyes. She is not perfect. She is not immortal. She feels the lethargy and she watches it. Observes it from a distance and doesn’t toss and turn with it. In fact she delights in it, in her silly neurosis. Silly tired girl. Bit off more than she could chew again! She doesn’t see being tired as not being in the center. She sees being tired as part of it. All part of it. Part of how it goes. and so it is... This is the girl I fought for. The girl I breathed hard to see. The girl I wouldnt give up on. 

I’m not sure if breathwork gives you what God wants you to see or what you want to see. It’s probably both. God wants you to see your own inner workings. Seeing Daniel jolted me. I didn’t realize he had made his way so deep. Chloe texted about Jacob saying he wasn’t able to date because he’s a manager. If he truly wanted her he wouldve found a way. You cant stop real love with a silly rule. I also take this as a sign to let Daniel go. How come he came up so strongly in breathwork just for the tarot and the rest of the world to ask me to put him down? I DONT KNOW WHY. I will never know, my human brain will never be able to compute. and so I just let it happen. I toss my hands up and say ok God - I’m here for the ride that you have crafted for me, the song you composed. I trust you, I may not fully understand your [logic] LOL as if God uses logic! He only uses love and energy. and I trust that more than anything. All things in your hands God. Did I mention I pulled the 2 of cups upside down AGAIN this morning. The day after breathwork. I believe God is telling me not to overindulge in Daniel and to set. him. down. I release all things to you God. Amen.

[mymadmedleyw]

I had a shitty night -- rant -- had to let out...

Sister says I always find excuses for my doing or lack of doing or lack of doings that would fulfil her and daily expectations... she might be right. I'm a piece of shit above everything else and every happening... I'm curious and wondering, though, with keeping sanity, how this semester can be survived with 100%+ success, no failing and be a perfect model of life, with tidiness init, shopping when required, and constant serving while doing a hard MSc in a second language? Really, I just want this to end, and I swear to god, if I had money, I'd move because this is unbearable, especially at the edge of complete breaking. This is unfair, I try, but I cannot do more, I'm already breaking under everything this semester - beyond stuffs that came it and above current issue in fam. I'm fulfilling to be a sort of homemakee, but that's what I got: I'm the damn master of excuses because I told her straight I can't care about once travelling to Amsterdam, planning that flying for hours and I didn't show any interest in it as she wished and expected. Now we don't speak with each other because I hurt her feelings. For a last note in the debate, I dropped her that I am failing in my studies - she says that I must have said it to make her feel bad, and that's another excuse I make up. No, she missed that I told it to her to understand that given the known circumstances, this is why Amsterdam is in the last place on my priority list to care with. She says I should have told her my struggles and that's another excuse that I didn't tell anyone because everyone is dealing with their shit, and I didn't wish anyone more stress. She says I should tell fam the weekend about it, and she doesn't seem to understand that maybe just before dad's surgery is not the best timing. She says that my note that I haven't dropped before - I actually said her several times that it is not easy and all my free times are filled with, that remained after asked to be maid-in-honour to my friend and organiser of her bachelorette party within a month's notice when things have began to hit the fan in my studies - suggests that she doesn't care about me and it's only an aggressive calling out by me now that she didn't notice it. It isn't. I was the one who messed up everything, in the beginning of February and since everything just happening the same time. I'm failing because within the wedding and the stuffs we got informed - dad's state - there were only two weeks. I couldn't study or focus in the past week for obvious reasons. Now here we are. Two weeks are back from the semester. My sis asked about Amsterdam first just before the wedding stuff started. I told her I was busy to care about it. She tried and tried, I kept saying her I am busy due to arranging stuff and studies. No I am the Queen of excuses because I always find something as an excuse in the year it seems perhaps she is right, and I am a bad person not doing more regarding everything. But I cannot see how it can be possible doable I am already losing my sanity, my mental health and due that I missed in schools several days already because depression hit me hard, but she doesn't believe I might have problems. She thinks I am joking with a psychiatrist - note, I couldn't get a time for that because... I don't have time. But I need it and need some pills, too, because I know I am not doing enough when I should and ought to. And I am a bad sister, crowned as excuses-king.