#but for Lucifer. this is about rejection.

[welcometopan]

Critique of the article "culture isn’t modular" by jessicalprice.

As this is pretty much the polar opposite of what I believe in, I think it's going to be fun to respond do it. I find it enriching to read things that are the polar opposite of what I believe in, and I hope it's the same for you, jessicalprice. I'll start now. (You can respond to my response yourself, it may be fun).

You argue that culture is not modular, whereas my view is the polar opposite of that. My view is that not only culture is modular, but religions/worldviews are modular as well, as well as ideas/practices within religions/worldviews themselves (which I call "modules"), which I believe can be separated from the worldview they are packaged in, and I believe they're all interchangeable. For example, I believe that a panentheistic/polytheistic occultist who worships and/or praises Prometheus, Satan, Sophia, Hedone, Lucifer and Jesus as the main deities or their pantheon (and rejects Allah as a malevolent tyrant) may still validly fast during the month of Ramadan, even though that person has a worldview that is completely antithetical to Islam. I have a feeling that you'd strongly disagree with my statement, but it's fine. Anyways..

I did a thread (actually several) on Twitter a few years ago about Christianity’s attempts to paint itself as modular

There are actually several different levels of modularity. What you describe Christianity doing is only one level of modularity higher than yours, but I'm way more modular than what you describe Christianity as. Levels of modularity:

Level 0: absolute anti-modularity. This describes your position. It's the claim that religions and worldviews cannot be separated from the broader culture they originated from (or that they are generally associated with). In the article, you associate Christianity with "western" culture, or even "whiteness", which means you're arguing in favor of a racist variant of absolute anti-modularity.

Level 1: mild modularity. At this level, religions and worldviews can be separated from the culture (or "race/ethnicity") they are associated with, but religions and worldviews themselves are not modular, that is, the ideas/practice contained within them cannot be separated from the religion/worldview itself. At this level, one would argue that a non-Christian cannot validly worship Jesus, or that a non-Muslim cannot validly fast during Ramadan or consider the Qabah to be sacred (perhaps as the home of pre-Islamic arab deities?). That's because at this level, every idea/practice associated with a specific religion/worldview cannot be validly found outside of it.

Level 2: moderate modularity. At this level, ideas/practices associated with a specific religion/worldview can be separated from the religion/worldview itself. That means a non-Christian can validly worship Jesus and that a non-Muslim can validly fast during Ramadan, or that an individual adhering to a non-Dharmic worldview can worship Krishna and have the concept of Brahman in their worldview, or that a non-Scientologist can make use of Scientology practices if so that person wishes. The "catch" is that at this level, each "module" (i.e. idea/practice) must remain unaltered. That means, it's invalid to celebrate Christmas on February 22nd, or to think that we are currently in Dvapara Yuga (rather than in Kali Yuga), or to fast during the month of Ramadan while still drinking water when you're not supposed to.

Level 3: extreme modularity. Same as level 2 but you have absolute freedom. You can validly celebrate Christmas on February 22 etc.

Me and you are on the polar opposite sides of this scale, which is what made reading your article so interesting and insightful for me!

A big part of why Christian atheists have trouble seeing how culturally Christian they still are is that Christianity advertises itself as being modular, which is not how belief systems have worked for most of human history. 

(Bold and italic emphasis mine). I disagree with that, and it's actually trivially easy to disprove your claim. Throughout history, there always has been a good amount of syncretism an eclecticism between "different" cultures. For instance, the ancient Romans had a practice called "Interpretatio Romana", which means they saw the gods of "different" cultures as their own, just with different names. For example, the germanic god Týr was associated with the Roman god Mars. Odin/Wotan was associated with Mercury, Thor was associated with Jupiter and Frigg was associated with Venus and so on! Not to mention, Buddhism was/is found in multiple countries/culture: India, China, Japan, Thailand, Indonesia, and even in "western" countries! And how can one ignore hybrids between Christianity and indigenous practices, like Candomblé (and others)? Or religions like Christo-Paganism, or Gnosticism, or highly eclectic worldviews and practices like the New Age movement and Chaos Magick? Or the fact that Roman polytheism was so heavily influenced by Greek polytheism? In order to claim that modularity is not how belief systems have worked for most of human history you need to invalidate/ignore quite a lot of examples and historical events, which is basically a form of confirmation bias.

A selling point of Christianity has always been the idea that it's plug-and-play: you don't have to stop being Irish or Korean or Nigerian to be Christian, you don't have to learn a new language, you keep your culture. 

Yes, and that logic applies to almost every religion (with very few exceptions). You don't have to change language or belong to a certain ethnicity to adhere to a religion, and in fact, historical evidence is overwhelmingly against the ideas that you express in your article. Religions don't form in a vacuum.

(You can see, then, why so many Christian atheists struggle with the idea that they’re still Christian--to them, Christianity is this modular belief in God and Jesus and a few other tenets, and everything else is... everything else. Which is, not to get ahead of myself, very compatible with some tacit white supremacy: the “everything else” is goes unexamined for its cultural specificity. It’s just Normal. Default. Neutral.)

By "Christian atheist" I would generally understand someone who practices Christianity and adheres to a Christian worldview without the belief in their god (or any god, for that matter), whereas it seems to me that what you're referring to here is just an atheist who grew up in a (more or less) Christian environment, or perhaps an ex-Christian atheist in general. This is how I'll interpret it, since I think that's what you mean, even though I don't agree with the term used. And I would agree with their claim that Christianity is the belief in the existence and claims of Yahweh, and in a certain metanarrative revolving Jesus and his role in the redemption of humankind from sin by the means of his execution and resurrection. It seems to me that by "Christianity" you mean more than just Christianity and you associate it with "western" cultural practices unrelated to Christianity itself, and that may (or may not) have had their origins in pre-Christian polytheistic religions (which would disprove your ideas even further).

Evangelicals in particular love to contrast this to Islam, to the idea that you have to learn Arabic and adopt elements of Arab culture to be Muslim, which helps fuel the image of Islam as a Foreign Ideology that's taking over the West.

Which is precisely the logic you're applying to Christianity.

Meanwhile, Christians position Christianity as a modular component of your life. Keep your culture, your traditions, your language and just swap out your Other Religion Module for a Christianity Module.

It is not only Christians who maintain that position, and that logic also applies to other religions. Buddhism is originally from India but has spread elsewhere in Asia. Roman polytheism could be swapped with other polytheistic religions due to Interpretatio Romana and so on. Islam was originally from the Arabian peninsula but it has spread to a large portion of the world. Neither Buddhism, Roman polytheism nor Islam require(d) one to change one's language. In the case of Islam, culture and tradition was partly (but not fully) replaced/condemned due to Islam's strict and long list of "haram" (forbidden) things, but it definitely did not replace language. Indonesian Muslims speak Indonesian, Italian Muslims speak Italian and so on. Japanese Buddhists didn't change their language to Sanskrit when Buddhism was introduced to Japan. Christianity is not any different. Almost every religion is modular, and I'm proving this to you with historical and contemporary examples. Not to mention, if changing religion really required changing language, then when different cultures come into contact with each other, it would be far more difficult to have any meaningful exchange.

The end game is, in theory, a rainbow of diverse people and cultures that are all one big happy family in Christ. We're going to come back to how Christianity isn't actually modular, but for the moment, let's talk about it as if it had succeeded in that design goal. 

That has more to do with proselytism (i.e. the desire to "convert" someone, or an entire population) than it has to do with modularity.

Even if Christianity were successfully modular, if it were something that you could just plug in to the Belief System Receptor in a culture and leave the rest of it undisturbed, the problem is most cultures don't have a modular Belief System Receptor. Spirituality has, for the entirety of human history, not been something that's modular. It's deeply interwoven with the rest of culture and society. You can't just pull it out and plug something else in and have the culture remain stable.

But I've already proven you wrong with plenty of examples.

And so OF COURSE attempting to pull out a culture's indigenous belief system and replace it with Christianity has almost always had destructive effects on that culture.

That is had destructive effects doesn't mean it can't be done. Quite the opposite, in fact, the very fact you said it had "destructive effects" means it has been done, which goes against your claims of anti-modularity.

Not only is Christianity not representative of "religion" full stop, it's actually arguably *anomalous* in its attempt to be modular (and thus universal to all cultures) rather than inextricable from culture.

But I've already proven you wrong. If Christianity is an anomaly in that it's modular (in respect to the culture they are associated with or originated from), then Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism (note that India has multiple cultures and languages within its borders, which supports my claims), (some) ancient polytheistic religions like Roman polytheism, Gnosticism, Manichaenism and frankly almost every religion are likewise anomalies. If almost every religion is an anomaly, is it really an anomaly?

Now, of course, it hasn't actually succeeded in that--the US is a thoroughly Christian culture--but it does lead to the idea that one can somehow parse out which pieces of culture are "religious" versus which are "secular". That framing is antithetical to most cultures. E.g. you can't separate the development of a lot of cultural practices around what people eat and how they get it from elements of their worldview that Christians would probably label "religious." But that entire *framing* of religious vs. secular is a Christian one.

The fact that it's not always clear for all cultures what aspects of it are "religious" and what are "secular" (which is true) does not mean one cannot arbitrarily put a boundary between the two and then decide to adopt or reject one "side". It can be done. It's arbitrary, yes, I agree with that, but it can be done.

Is Passover a religious holiday or a secular one? The answer isn't one or the other, or neither, or both. It's that the framing of this question is wrong.

I agree with this, but it does nothing to disprove the modularity of religions.

Moreover, Christianity isn't actually culture-neutral or modular. 

No religion is "culture-neutral", but that doesn't mean it's not modular.

It's easy for this to get obscured by seeing Christianity as a tool of particular cultures' colonialism (e.g. the British using Christianity to spread British culture) or of whiteness in general, and not seeing how Christianity itself is colonial. This helps protect the idea that “true” Christianity is good and innocent, and if priests or missionaries are converting people at swordpoint or claiming land for European powers or destroying indigenous cultures, that must be a misuse of Christianity, a “fake” or “corrupted” Christianity.

Are you aware that before Christianity was mostly associated with what you call "whiteness" (which I assume, perhaps wrongly, to mean north-western European), it had a long history from a persecuted minority from Judaea within the Roman Empire, then the state religion of the crumbling Western Roman Empire, then associated with Roman-Germanic kingdoms and so on? What you're focusing on here is just a specific moment in history, and I have the feeling that you're doing this to spread your racist agenda, but I may be wrong on this, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Never mind that for every other culture, that culture is what its members do. Christianity, uniquely, must be judged on what it says its ideals are, not what it actually is. 

That's not any different from Buddhism, Hinduism, Jainism, Islam, or ancient philosophies like Epicureanism or Stoicism... or even conservative versions of Roman polytheism (that valued the 'Mos Maiores', the 'great values', so much). You're not providing any example as for why you think non-Christians religions are different, you are merely making an assertion.

At the end of the day, it’s really hard to construct a version of the Great Commission that isn’t inherently colonial.

How is Islam different, for example? Or even how Buddhism spread throughout most of Asia? Or literally the vast majority of religions that were practiced by colonial states/kingdoms/empires?

The end-goal of a world in which everyone is Christian is a world without non-Christian cultures. (As is the end goal of a world in which everyone is atheist by Christian definitions.)

This has to do with proselytism and colonialism/imperalism and nothing to do with modularity. Modularity allows for voluntary "conversions", or even adopting a religion only partially, picking and choosing what you like or dislike about a religion, something that anti-modularity views reject.

But it's definitely how both practicing Christians and Christian antitheists relate to others. If, for Christians, your lack of Jesus is a fundamental flaw in you that needs to be fixed, for New Atheists, your “religion” (that is, your non-Christian culture) is a fundamental flaw in you that needs to be fixed. Neither Christians nor New Atheists are able to relate to anyone else as fine as they are. It's all a Hobbesian zero-sum game. It's all a game of conversion with only win and loss conditions. You are, essentially, only an NPC worth points.

This reasoning is derived by modularity, yes, but it's not the only possible conclusion. One can also simply respect other people's beliefs while being modular. What you described is anti-theism, not modularity.

So, we get Christian atheists claiming that if you identify as Jewish, you can’t really be an atheist. Or sometimes they’ll make an exception for someone who’s “only ethnically Jewish.” If the only way you relate to your Jewishness is as ancestry, then you can be an atheist. Otherwise, you’re lying. 

That's due to the ambiguity related to the word "Jewish", in which it's not inherently clear if it refers to one's religion or to one's ethnicity (though for anti-modular people, they're clearly one and the same).

Or, if you’re not lying, you’re deluded. You just don’t understand that there’s no need for you to keep any dietary practices or continue to engage in any form of ritual or celebrate any of those “religious” Jewish holidays, and by golly, this here “ex”-Christian atheist is here to separate out for you which parts of your culture are “religious” and which ones are “secular.”

That separating what is "religious" from what is "secular" is arbitrary and often subjective does not mean it cannot be done, just that there are multiple ways of doing it, depending on one's own mindset of what exactly constitutes "religion".

A lot of atheists from Christian backgrounds (whether or not they were raised explicitly Christian) have trouble seeing how Christian they are because they've accepted the Christian idea that “religion” is modular. (If we define “religion” the way Christians (whether practicing or cultural) define it, Christianity might be the only religion that actually exists. Maybe Islam?)

Maybe Islam... maybe Buddhism... maybe Hinduism... maybe Jainism... maybe Gnosticism, Roman polytheism, Manicheanism etc. literally almost every religion! To be fair and be more conceding to your point, there are religions that are mostly associated with just one culture/language/place etc. for example Shintoism is mostly associated with Japan. That however doesn't mean Shintoism can't be adopted by a non-Japanese outside of Japan, just that, for historical contigencies, it has not happened, at least not in a widespread manner. There are indeed non-Japanese people outside of Japan who are Shintoists, though for practical reasons, since many aspects of Shintoism are associated with specific locations or natural objects in Japan, non-Japanese Shintoism is necessarily either more limited (e.g. to more general ideas, like the concept of Kami, avoiding references to specific places or objects in Japan), or done in a way that follows the underlying logic of the religion but changing specific details. This may be done through UPG (Unverified Personal Gnosis) or some other method. If one believes that the Kami exist outside of Japan and that the Kami actually exist and are not just a cultural creation of Japanese culture, then it makes sense to do that.

When people from non-Christian cultures talk about the hegemonically Christian and white supremacist nature of a lot of atheism, it reflects how outside of Christianity, spirituality/worldview isn't something you can just pull out of a culture.

Again, there is plenty of historical evidence against your claim. Islam has been pulled out of its Arabian culture, the Germanic gods had been reinterpreted as Roman gods, Buddhism was pulled out of its Indian culture etc. Again, there are some instances where that didn't happen (at least not in a widespread manner), like Shintoism, but that doesn't mean it can't be done, just that it did not happen. It's merely a historical contigency that has nothing to do with the religion itself.

So, if people from non-Christian backgrounds would just give up their superstitions, they'd look the same as Christian atheists. 

This is extremely easy to disprove, because there are cultural practices that are completely separated from Christianity (or any theistic view), like for example expressions like language, traditional food, traditional clothing, traditional music etc. that can remain the same regardless of whether a culture remains non-Christian or switches to Christianity.

For people from cultures that don't see spirituality as modular, this is pretty obvious. It's obvious to a lot of people from non-white Christian cultures that have syncretized Christianity in a way that doesn't truck with the modularity illusion. 

How so? You are not giving any example of a "non-white Christian culture that has syncretized Christianity in a way that doesn't truck with the modularity illusion". I'd be interested in seeing it. I'd also be interested to see if cultures that have syncretized Christianity generally do so in a way that "doesn't truck with the modularity illusion". I'd love to see some examples of it.

And that inability to see culture outside a Christian framing means that American secularism is still shaped like Christianity. It's basically the same text with a few sentences deleted and some terms replaced.

This goes against your very claim that culture is not modular. If culture was really not modular, then (as you mentioned before) it wouldn't be possible to separate the "religious" practices of Christianity from the "secular" aspects of Christian or post-Christian cultures. But here you're arguing for the exact opposite of what you argued before.

Which, again, is by design. The idea that you can deconvert to (Christian) atheism and not have to change much besides your opinions about God is the mirror of how easy it’s supposed to be to convert to Christianity.

That's a misunderstanding of what Christianity is. Christianity is more than just local theism in favor of Yahweh. It contains a list of rules that Christians must follow, as well as an entire metanarrative regarding the redemption of humankind through Jesus Christ's execution and resurrection. Atheism is not a rejection of Christianity (or any religion, really... just so you know, there are atheistic religions, for example Laveyan Satanism and some forms of Buddhism). Atheism is a rejection of theism, simply.

> Human societies don’t follow evolutionary biology

I very much disagree with this, but I won't explain why because it'd be way, way too long (and off-topic).

The Victorian Christian framing underlying current Western ideas of enlightened secularism, that religious practice (and human culture in general) is subject to the same sort of unilateral, simple evolution toward a superior state to which they, at the time, largely reduced biological evolution, is deeply white supremacist.

This is likely due to a misunderstanding of evolutionary biology from your part. Evolutionary biology is not the idea that "what comes later is better", it just means that there is a variety of organisms (or in this case, worldviews/societies), and those that are "unfit" get wiped out, so that the ones that happen to survive are "evolutionarily fit". Unlike species, worldview and religions cannot go extinct, as they're always part of the collective unconscious and can be revived, more or less accurately (e.g. polytheistic reconstructionism).

Maybe you’ve seen this comic?

I have, and that has neither to do with modularity nor with evolutionary biology.

The thing is, animism isn’t more “primitive” than polytheism, and polytheism isn’t more “primitive” than monotheism. Older doesn’t mean less advanced/sophisticated/complex. Hinduism isn’t more “primitive” than Judaism just because it’s polytheistic and Judaism is monotheistic. 

I agree with that, but again, the idea that what is newer is "better" than what is older has nothing to do with either modularity nor evolutionary biology. It has a name, though I forgot what it was.

Christian atheists usually want everyone to unplug that Religion module!

Those are anti-theists, who are necessarily atheists, but atheists are not necessarily anti-theists. You're committing the fallacy of composition here.

(BTW, most of this also holds true for non-white Christianity, too. I guarantee you most white Christian atheists don’t have a good sense of what role church plays in the lives of Black communities, so maybe shut up about it.)

I chuckled at this casual racism. Not much to say here, to be honest.

In any case, reducing Christianity--a massive, ambient phenomenon inextricable from Western culture--to the specific manifestation of Christian practice that you grew up with is, frankly, absurd. 

You keep contradicting yourself. Here you said that Christianity is "a massive, ambient phenomenon inextricable from Western culture" but earlier in the article you said that "American secularism is still shaped like Christianity" (which implies that Christianity can and has been extricated from what you call "western" culture).

There are few clearer examples of how pervasive Christian hegemony is than Christian atheists being certain every religion works like Christianity. Hegemonic Christianity wants you to think that all cultures work like Christianity because it wants their belief systems to be modular so you can just ...swap them. And it wants to pretend that culture/worldview is a free market where it can just outcompete other cultures.

That's called eclecticism (which is a practice enabled by a belief in modularity), which is common among occultists, chaos magicians, or eclectics more generally. Whether or not that's "valid" is subjective, but it can done, and for some people it's useful and fulfilling. You may not consider it as "valid" but that doesn't mean it can't be done.

But that’s... not how anything works. 

It's not how you want it to work, but there are people who do precisely that, and they're called eclectics.

And the truth of the matter is that white nationalist Christians shoot at synagogues and Sikh temples and mosques because those other ways of being can’t be allowed to exist. 

That has nothing to do with modularity or eclecticism but everything to do with a belief in the supremacy of one's own group, a strong "us vs them" mentality, and fear of who is different, more broadly. Arguably, an eclectic tends to be more tolerant and accepting compared to the people you mentioned, who are likely not eclectic and, cosidering they are "white nationalist Christians", are most likely not modular in any sense (as they believe in "race" and they associate it with a religion... just like you do).

They don’t shoot at atheist conventions because there’s room in hegemonic Christianity for Christian atheists precisely because Christian atheists are still culturally Christian. Their atheism is Christian-shaped.

Here you go, contradicting yourself again. If atheism can be "Christian-shaped", doesn't it follow that atheism can also be "[insert other religion]-shaped" as well, or do you think Christianity is the only exception? What about ex-Muslim atheists? Are they non-existent for you?

That’s not a criticism--it’s fine to just... be post-Christian. There’s not actually anything wrong with being culturally Christian. The problems come in when you start denying that it’s a thing, or insisting that you, unique among humankind, are above Having A Culture.

That, however, means that Christianity can be and often is extricated from its broader culture (otherwise it wouldn't be possible to be what you call "Christian atheist" (i.e. an ex-Christian atheist)), which means it's modular. And guess what, it's also possible to be a "Muslim atheist" (i.e. an ex-Muslim atheist). Likely even ex-[other religion] atheist, though it's likely less frequent because of how Abrahamic religions are structured. But it's not impossible, just less frequent. What about Diagoras of Melos, for example? Would you call him a "Greek Polytheist atheist"? As you can see, your beliefs in anti-modularity can be proven wrong with plenty of historical examples.

But it does mean that you don’t pose the same sort of threat to Christianity that other cultures do, and hence, less violence. 

No offense, but this article gives me the vague impression that this is anti-Christian propaganda (and by extension, since you connect religions with "races"/"ethnicities", racist propaganda against what you call "white" people). It's an interesting article, for sure, as I always enjoy reading things that are the polar opposite of what I believe, but in my opinion it's not well argued and can be written better even while retaining its anti-modularity stance. What I object to this article, for the most part, is not what you're trying to argue, but how you're arguing for it. In addition, you contradicted yourself multiple times throughout the article. I'd be more than happy to hear from you. Reading your article has been interesting and insightful, and I hope you enjoyed my response as well!

culture isn’t modular

I did a thread (actually several) on Twitter a few years ago about Christianity’s attempts to paint itself as modular, and I’ve been seeing them referenced here in the cultural christianity Discourse, and a few people have DMed me asking me to post it here, so here’s a rehash of several of those threads:

A big part of why Christian atheists have trouble seeing how culturally Christian they still are is that Christianity advertises itself as being modular, which is not how belief systems have worked for most of human history. 

A selling point of Christianity has always been the idea that it’s plug-and-play: you don’t have to stop being Irish or Korean or Nigerian to be Christian, you don’t have to learn a new language, you keep your culture. 

And you’re just also Christian.

(You can see, then, why so many Christian atheists struggle with the idea that they’re still Christian–to them, Christianity is this modular belief in God and Jesus and a few other tenets, and everything else is… everything else. Which is, not to get ahead of myself, very compatible with some tacit white supremacy: the “everything else” is goes unexamined for its cultural specificity. It’s just Normal. Default. Neutral.)

Evangelicals in particular love to contrast this to Islam, to the idea that you have to learn Arabic and adopt elements of Arab culture to be Muslim, which helps fuel the image of Islam as a Foreign Ideology that’s taking over the West.

The rest of us don’t have that particular jack

Meanwhile, Christians position Christianity as a modular component of your life. Keep your culture, your traditions, your language and just swap out your Other Religion Module for a Christianity Module.

The end game is, in theory, a rainbow of diverse people and cultures that are all one big happy family in Christ. We’re going to come back to how Christianity isn’t actually modular, but for the moment, let’s talk about it as if it had succeeded in that design goal. 

Even if Christianity were successfully modular, if it were something that you could just plug in to the Belief System Receptor in a culture and leave the rest of it undisturbed, the problem is most cultures don’t have a modular Belief System Receptor. Spirituality has, for the entirety of human history, not been something that’s modular. It’s deeply interwoven with the rest of culture and society. You can’t just pull it out and plug something else in and have the culture remain stable.

(And to be clear, even using the term “spirituality” here is a sop to Christianity. What cultures have are worldviews that deal with humanity’s place in the universe/reality; people’s relationships to other people; the idea of individual, societal, or human purpose; how the culture defines membership; etc. These may or may not deal with the supernatural or “spiritual.”)

And so OF COURSE attempting to pull out a culture’s indigenous belief system and replace it with Christianity has almost always had destructive effects on that culture.

Not only is Christianity not representative of “religion” full stop, it’s actually arguably *anomalous* in its attempt to be modular (and thus universal to all cultures) rather than inextricable from culture.

Now, of course, it hasn’t actually succeeded in that–the US is a thoroughly Christian culture–but it does lead to the idea that one can somehow parse out which pieces of culture are “religious” versus which are “secular”. That framing is antithetical to most cultures. E.g. you can’t separate the development of a lot of cultural practices around what people eat and how they get it from elements of their worldview that Christians would probably label “religious.” But that entire *framing* of religious vs. secular is a Christian one.

Is Passover a religious holiday or a secular one? The answer isn’t one or the other, or neither, or both. It’s that the framing of this question is wrong.

And Christianity isn’t a plugin, however much it wants to be

Moreover, Christianity isn’t actually culture-neutral or modular. 

It’s easy for this to get obscured by seeing Christianity as a tool of particular cultures’ colonialism (e.g. the British using Christianity to spread British culture) or of whiteness in general, and not seeing how Christianity itself is colonial. This helps protect the idea that “true” Christianity is good and innocent, and if priests or missionaries are converting people at swordpoint or claiming land for European powers or destroying indigenous cultures, that must be a misuse of Christianity, a “fake” or “corrupted” Christianity.

Never mind that for every other culture, that culture is what its members do. Christianity, uniquely, must be judged on what it says its ideals are, not what it actually is. 

Mistaking the engine for the exhaust

But it’s not just an otherwise innocent tool of colonialism: it’s a driver of it. 

At the end of the day, it’s really hard to construct a version of the Great Commission that isn’t inherently colonial. The end-goal of a world in which everyone is Christian is a world without non-Christian cultures. (As is the end goal of a world in which everyone is atheist by Christian definitions.)

Yet we focus on the way Christianity came with British or Spanish culture when they colonized a place–the churches are here because the Spaniards who conquered this area were Catholic–and miss how Christianity actually has its own cultural tropes that it brings with it. It’s more subtle, of course, when Christianity didn’t come in explicitly as the result of military conquest.

Or put another way, those cultures didn’t just shape the Christianity they brought to places they colonized–they were shaped by it. How much of the commonality between European cultures is because of Christianity?

It’s not all a competition

A lot of Christians (cultural and practicing), if you push them, will eventually paint you a picture of a very Hobbesian world in which all religions, red in tooth and claw, are trying to take over the world. It’s the “natural order” to attempt to eliminate all cultures but your own. 

If you point out to them that belief and worldview are deeply personal, and proselytizing is objectifying, because you’re basically telling the person you’re proselytizing to that who they are is wrong, you often get some version of “that’s how everyone is, though.”

Like we all go through life seeing other humans as incomplete and fundamentally flawed and the only way to “fix” them is to get them to believe what we believe. And, like, that is not how everyone relates to others?

But it’s definitely how both practicing Christians and Christian antitheists relate to others. If, for Christians, your lack of Jesus is a fundamental flaw in you that needs to be fixed, for New Atheists, your “religion” (that is, your non-Christian culture) is a fundamental flaw in you that needs to be fixed. Neither Christians nor New Atheists are able to relate to anyone else as fine as they are. It’s all a Hobbesian zero-sum game. It’s all a game of conversion with only win and loss conditions. You are, essentially, only an NPC worth points.

The idea of being any other way is not only wrong, but impossible to them. If you claim to exist in any other way, you are either deluded or lying.

So, we get Christian atheists claiming that if you identify as Jewish, you can’t really be an atheist. Or sometimes they’ll make an exception for someone who’s “only ethnically Jewish.” If the only way you relate to your Jewishness is as ancestry, then you can be an atheist. Otherwise, you’re lying. 

Or, if you’re not lying, you’re deluded. You just don’t understand that there’s no need for you to keep any dietary practices or continue to engage in any form of ritual or celebrate any of those “religious” Jewish holidays, and by golly, this here “ex”-Christian atheist is here to separate out for you which parts of your culture are “religious” and which ones are “secular.”

Religious/secular is a Christian distinction

A lot of atheists from Christian backgrounds (whether or not they were raised explicitly Christian) have trouble seeing how Christian they are because they’ve accepted the Christian idea that “religion” is modular. (If we define “religion” the way Christians (whether practicing or cultural) define it, Christianity might be the only religion that actually exists. Maybe Islam?)

When people from non-Christian cultures talk about the hegemonically Christian and white supremacist nature of a lot of atheism, it reflects how outside of Christianity, spirituality/worldview isn’t something you can just pull out of a culture.

Christian atheists tend to see the cultural practices of non-Christians as “religious” and think that they should give them up (talk to Jewish atheists who keep kosher about Christian atheist reactions to that). But because Christianity positions itself as modular, people from Christian backgrounds tend not to see how Christian the culture they imagine as “neutral” or “normal” actually is. In their minds, you just pull out the Christianity module and are left with a neutral, secular society.

So, if people from non-Christian backgrounds would just give up their superstitions, they’d look the same as Christian atheists. 

Your secularism is specifically post-Christian

Of course, that culture with the Christianity module pulled out ISN’T neutral. So the idea that that’s what “secular society” should look like ends up following the same pattern as Christian colonialism throughout history: the promise that you can keep your culture and just plug in a different belief system (or, purportedly, a lack of a belief system), which has always, always been a lie. The secular, “enlightened” life that most Christian atheists envision is one that’s still built on white, western Christianity, and the idea that people should conform to it is still attempting to homogenize society to a white Christian ideal. 

For people from cultures that don’t see spirituality as modular, this is pretty obvious. It’s obvious to a lot of people from non-white Christian cultures that have syncretized Christianity in a way that doesn’t truck with the modularity illusion. 

I also think, even though they’re not conceptualizing it in these terms, that it’s actually obvious to a lot of evangelicals. (The difference being that white evangelical Christianity enthusiastically embraces white supremacy, so they see the destruction of non-Christian culture as good.) But I think it’s invisible to a lot of mainline non-evangelical Christians, and it’s definitely invisible to a lot of people who leave Christianity.

And that inability to see culture outside a Christian framing means that American secularism is still shaped like Christianity. It’s basically the same text with a few sentences deleted and some terms replaced.

Which, again, is by design. The idea that you can deconvert to (Christian) atheism and not have to change much besides your opinions about God is the mirror of how easy it’s supposed to be to convert to Christianity.

Human societies don’t follow evolutionary biology

The Victorian Christian framing underlying current Western ideas of enlightened secularism, that religious practice (and human culture in general) is subject to the same sort of unilateral, simple evolution toward a superior state to which they, at the time, largely reduced biological evolution, is deeply white supremacist.

It posits religious evolution as a constantly self-refining process from “primitive” animism and polytheism to monotheism to white European/American Christianity. For Christians, that’s the height of human culture. For ex-Christians, the next step is Christian-derived secularism.

Maybe you’ve seen this comic?

The thing is, animism isn’t more “primitive” than polytheism, and polytheism isn’t more “primitive” than monotheism. Older doesn’t mean less advanced/sophisticated/complex. Hinduism isn’t more “primitive” than Judaism just because it’s polytheistic and Judaism is monotheistic. 

Human cultures continue to change and adapt. (Arguably, older religions are more sophisticated than newer ones because they’ve had a lot more time to refine their practices and ideologies instead of having to define them.) Also, not all cultures are part of the same family tree. Christianity and Islam may be derived from Judaism, but Judaism and Hinduism have no real relationship to one another. 

But in this worldview, Christianity is “normal” religion, which is still more primitive than enlightened secularism, but more advanced than all those other primitive, superstitious, irrational beliefs.

Just like Christians, when Christian atheists do try to make room for cultures that aren’t white and European-derived, the tacit demand is “okay, but you have to separate out the parts of your culture that the Christian sacred-secular divide would deem ‘religious.’”

Either way, people from non-Christian cultures, if they’re to be equals, are supposed to get with the program and assimilate.

You’re not qualified to be a universal arbiter of what culture is good

Christian atheists usually want everyone to unplug that Religion module!

So, for example, you have ex-Christian atheists who are down with pluralism trying to get ex-Christian atheists who aren’t to leave Jews alone by pointing out that you can be atheist and Jewish.

But some of us aren’t atheist. (I’m agnostic by Christian standards.) And the idea that Jews shouldn’t be targets for harassment because they can be atheists and therefore possibly have some common sense is still demanding that people from other cultures conform to one culture’s standard of what being “rational” is.  

Which, like, is kind of galling when y’all don’t even understand what “belief in G-d” means to Jews, and people from a culture that took until the 1800s to figure out that washing their hands was good are setting themselves up as the Universal Arbiters of Rationality.

(BTW, most of this also holds true for non-white Christianity, too. I guarantee you most white Christian atheists don’t have a good sense of what role church plays in the lives of Black communities, so maybe shut up about it.)

In any case, reducing Christianity–a massive, ambient phenomenon inextricable from Western culture–to the specific manifestation of Christian practice that you grew up with is, frankly, absurd. 

And you can’t be any help in deconstructing hegemony when you refuse to perceive it and understand that it isn’t something you can take off like a garment, and you probably won’t ever recognize and uproot all the ways in which it affects you, especially when you are continuing to live within it. 

What hegemony doesn’t want you to know

One of the ways hegemony sustains and perpetuates itself is by reinforcing the idea not so much that other ways of being and knowing are evil (although that’s usually a stage in an ideology becoming hegemonic), but that they’re impossible. That they don’t actually exist. 

See, again, the idea that anyone claiming to live differently is either lying or deluded.

There are few clearer examples of how pervasive Christian hegemony is than Christian atheists being certain every religion works like Christianity. Hegemonic Christianity wants you to think that all cultures work like Christianity because it wants their belief systems to be modular so you can just …swap them. And it wants to pretend that culture/worldview is a free market where it can just outcompete other cultures.

But that’s… not how anything works. 

And the truth of the matter is that white nationalist Christians shoot at synagogues and Sikh temples and mosques because those other ways of being can’t be allowed to exist. 

They don’t shoot at atheist conventions because there’s room in hegemonic Christianity for Christian atheists precisely because Christian atheists are still culturally Christian. Their atheism is Christian-shaped.

They may not like you. They’re definitely going to try to convert you. They may not want you to be able to hold public office or teach their kids.

But the only challenge you’re providing is that of The Existence of Disbelief. And that’s fine. That makes you a really safe Other to have around. You can See The Light and not have to change much.

What you’re not doing is providing an example of a whole other way of being and knowing that (often) predates Christianity and is completely separate from it and has managed to survive it and continue to live and thrive (there’s a reason Christians like to speak of Jews and Judaism in the past tense, and it’s similar to the reason white people like to speak of indigenous peoples of the Americas in the past tense). 

That’s not a criticism–it’s fine to just… be post-Christian. There’s not actually anything wrong with being culturally Christian. The problems come in when you start denying that it’s a thing, or insisting that you, unique among humankind, are above Having A Culture.

But it does mean that you don’t pose the same sort of threat to Christianity that other cultures do, and hence, less violence. 

[jazeswhbhaven]

If MC chose Minhyeok at the end of the game. But another character appeared with the same level of attraction as MC, but she didn't feel attraction for kings (including an Asmodeus). How do you think the kings would react?

Disinterested!MC let's go...😏

Lead in: It's been about 1 year since Ra-On left Hell to be with Minhyeok, and one year on Earth meant nothing in Hell, a blink of an eye compared to their eternity. But with their absence, it might as well had been a century passed. One day, a new human ended up in Hell, she was different than Ra-On, in both looks and personality. What's more...she absolutely had no interest in the kings. No fear, no hate, no admiration, nervousness. Just nothing. Despite of her reason for being there, she focused on completing it and returning....

Satan: When Dis!MC arrived in Gehenna it was Satan who first investigated, thinking it was Ra-On who returned. He saw it wasn't them but a new human visitor. Sure, she'd be no replacement for Ra-On, but any human visiting meant some kind of new thing. Maybe another descendant? He finds out quickly that Dis!MC is no one to be reckoned with, her straight up ignoring him after asking a question. His rage was through the palace that day, even Heaven could feel the brunt of it. But why was he so bothered? It pissed him off even more that he couldn't figure it out.

Mammon: Dis!MC's trip to Tartaros was pleasant, despite receiving the cold shoulder from Bimet and Eligos (she didn't pat his head). Mammon's curiosity and warm welcome were wasted on Dis!MC as she was more concerned about her reasons for being there in the first place. While this doesn't necessarily bother him, in the back of his mind he remembers Ra-On fondly simply takes it as "well humans are never meant to be similar anyway". He's still very polite to Dis!MC and doesn't give her too much trouble while being hospitable. He does try to flirt a little, but seeing as how she doesn't respond it becomes dull for him.

Beelzebub: Honestly? He forgot what Ra-On looked like so for a minute he thought they had came back. Dis!MC has no trouble telling him off and even directly getting down to business with Bael with getting what she needs done getting the questions she wants answered. Beel surprisingly is disgruntled by her behavior, but he quickly forgets why he was bothered in the first place. Though when he's alone, he wishes that his "original" cute human was back. This new girl was going to be a pain.

Leviathan: He paid Dis!MC no mind at first, telling himself he was happy that it wasn't Ra-On who came back to Hades because they shouldn't have left in the first place. Though when he realizes that this new visitor to Hell has zero interest in him, he starts to get jealous. Who is she thinking about then? Which of the kings had she met first before him to cause such a reaction? What could he do to make sure that her focus is on him? Though, with all of that overthinking, it ends up to where Dis!MC moves on to the next country and Levi is just more pissed he spent more time overthinking than ignoring her.

Lucifer: Literally doesn't pay much attention to Dis!MC whatsoever. Humans come and go. While Ra-On was a joy to have around (or a headache depending on the day) having Dis!MC around for company wasn't too bad either. Especially since she stayed mostly out of his way and didn't rile up Gamigin too much. In fact, he wanted her to stick around a little longer and have a small chat over some tea. She doesn't seem interested though, which doesn't hurt Lucifer's feelings, but he's still slightly bothered. Maybe rejection doesn't sit well with our fallen seraphim...

Belphegor: He woke up because he noticed someone new in was in Nifelheim. Dis!MC oddly, was his type. Pretty much not into him at all, and straight to the point. She did everything, didn't ask him questions, and didn't annoy him. Too bad his idea of flirting was asking straightforward to get into bed with him. Beleth tried to explain in a more formal way, but Dis!MC was not having it and rejected both devils outright. Belphie didn't have the energy to be annoyed and just went to sleep. Beleth didn't take it to personally either.

Asmodeus: No one would be able to resist his charms. Right? Ra-On certainly didn't, and no other human or devil could resist. But Dis!MC? What was she made of? Her rejection only made Asmo more horny and more determined. Sure he wasn't going to pressure her into anything, in fact he liked the rejection. The glare in her eyes, the frigid body language. Reminds him of his wife when they first met. Perhaps that's why he doesn't mind her behavior. Truth be told....he jacks off to Dis!MC's rejection out of frustration of not being able to have her.

[inubaki]

The Sea Queen (Toys)

Chapter 2

————

story commissioned by the amazing @libby-for-life! Based off one of the first pics @sir-tater-of-the-tot made that got me hooked on this fandom to began with. I blame them entirely.

———

Despite his lingering wariness of Lucifer, Adam found himself drawn to the injured creature nestled within the shadowy crevices of the cave cliff. Adam had witnessed the creature’s resilience and the strange bond that had formed between them, compelling him to continue visiting as much as he found himself questioning his instincts. Each encounter deepened his curiosity about Lucifer, a being both captivating and enigmatic. 

Whenever Lucifer turned his piercing gaze upon Adam and requested something— to drink his blood—Adam felt a flicker of skepticism rise within him. “It helps heal me faster,” Lucifer would insist, his voice a soothing whisper that seemed to echo softly in the cavernous space around them. While Adam couldn't entirely shake the unease that bubbled in his gut, he had observed the tangible results over time. Each time he complied with Lucifer’s requests to drink his blood, he witnessed the creature’s wounds closing a little more, colors returning to the pallid skin.

As Adam relented, offering what he could, he found himself softened by the gratitude that radiated from Lucifer. The creature’s smile, though it bore the marks of pain, was genuine and warm, illuminating the dark enclosure and, against all odds, making Adam smile in return. It was a shared moment of understanding that tethered their fates, unraveling the tension that filled the space between them. The cave, once a mere shelter for Lucifer, was transformed into a sanctuary of unexpected camaraderie, where Adam slowly began to accept the strange connection they shared.

One day, he couldn't help but ask a burning question. "What are you exactly?" Lucifer turned his head, wiping the blood from his lips. "I'm a Kraken. We...are about the same age. I actually might be younger than you." Adam blinked. "You're younger than ten?" Lucifer nodded slowly. "Yes. I believe I'm nine." Adam smiled mischievously. "I'm older!" Lucifer gave him a mock glare. "Don't let that go to your head."

"Too late! I'm the boss!"

"Ugh."

XxX

Adam noticed pretty early on that Lucifer liked to bite him. Sometimes they were okay and he at first started just biting his fingers. Then, it escalated to biting his arm and shoulders. Legs. Anytime Adam did something to excite him, he bit Adam. They kind of hurt but Lucifer had seemed happy so Adam had let it slide. 

Until one day Lucifer bit a little too hard and Adam pulled away. The look on his face made Adam's heart clench. Tears formed in his eyes as the devastated look kept getting worse. 

“Luci?”

“Why? Why?” Lucifer didn't seem able to communicate properly while he was so upset. Adam held him as the Kraken sobbed and the human had no idea how to help him. Finally, out of desperation, he bit Lucifer's hand. The Kraken looked at him in surprise. He kept biting, hoping he wasn't messing things up further.

When he bit Lucifer's arm, the Kraken blushed a bright gold. The beast didn't say anything for a minute. To the point that Adam thought he went too far. That is until Lucifer suddenly launched at him, pinning him to the floor. His face was nipped at and Adam laughed as Luci was back to his old self.

———-

To offer you blood is to open a bond. To allow a bite is to initiate courting. Biting among Kraken are signs of affection. And, maybe, Lucifer is desperate to leave permanent bite on Adam. But for Adam to reject the biting is for Adam to reject his courtship. But Lucifer is young, he shouldn’t be able to leave a permanent mark…

Kid Adam and Lucifer are just cute to me.

Pervs:

Next:

[quietwingsinthesky]

I feel like much has been made about the fact that, if left unattended, Michael will put Adam on the pedestal God previously occupied and try to love him the same way, which makes things Worse for both of them. And not about Lucifer doing the same thing to Sam.

[lucifermorningstxr]

Although he was prepared for whatever the night would throw at him, that didn't make it any easier for Lucifer to see Chloe like this. It didn't take the skills of a Jedi to see see was hurting over everything right now, and yet here she was, consoling him over his shame. "No, I know Detective. I know. It has been twelve hours..." He nodded reassuringly at her, his gaze set on hers. "We didn't really have for fun, you know, with my keeping the scene in one piece. This may come as a shock to you, but Eve had absolutely no idea what she was doing." Sarcasm, Lucifer's crutch. One of them, at least. But it was true, as was everything he'd ever said.

But now it was Lucifer's turn to soothe Chloe.

"You're right, Detective. I don't like it. I don't like any of this, of these past nine months. But I get it, and I understand it. In fact, I agree." He, in turn, rests his hands on her comfortingly. "If anyone wants to take this slow, it's me. I don't want to mess this up again, Detective. To mess us up. I know I've been unpredictable in the past, but I really want to do this time differently. Because, the truth is... every time I ran away, it was because I was avoiding the inevitable rejection myself. So while what you did recently really, really hurt me, if I'm honest... and you know I only ever am... I know I've hurt you just as much, and I want to stop that. More than anything."

Lucifer took Chloe's nervous hands in his to calm her fidgeting as he continued. "Most of the day I was managing Eve. I'd been questioning us for some time, but I never had the courage to act on it until that chat we had in the car. At least that's when it started, and today, your 'blow up' was the last straw. Rather, it was the reassurance of support I needed to know I'd be okay without her, without settling. Because that's what you've always done for me, Detective. You show me I deserve more than I think I do. I'm not sure if I deserve you, that's besides the point, but my plan is to stay around if you'll have me." He looks up at her with a look of total honesty, vulnerability, and a bit of pleading. It was humiliating, but it's only his human, so he'd be okay.

After what Chloe had said next, Lucifer was only ever more certain of his true desire to work his hardest to make this work with her.

"No, no... that's just it, Detective. That's why I like you so bloody much. Eve, Candy, the Britneys... where are they now, and where am I? I'm here, with the 'boring,'" He does air quotes for emphasis. "Chloe Decker because she's the one I want to spend my time with. She's the shoe to my pair, the one who taught me by example to be myself unabashedly, the one who has shown me that my, albeit extraordinarily glamourous, life could have more substance to it, and that's all because of you. You've shown me how exciting things can really be. You made me vulnerable, for Dad's sake, Detective! Don't you see how special that is?" Now Lucifer was the one rambling, being mushy and sappy once again, but it was the truth, and she obviously needed to hear his honesty right now. "And as far as I'm concerned, it's the past. I can't think of anyone I trust more... you saw me cry, Detective. Nobody sees the Devil cry, but you have. Are we perfect? No, unfortunately, I suppose we aren't, but we could be if we work together. So, I'm not jumping into anything, and neither should you, but I'm telling you what I want... what I truly desire. And that is to try this our damnedest."

Lucifer held Chloe even closer as she moved into him, pulling her so that they were lying back a little more in intimate comfort. "I don't need to have sex with you to know I want to keep going with you, Detective. Remember when we met, I'd always joke about getting you into bed, but when I had the chance, I turned you down because you're way more than a one night stand. You're way more than anything I've ever really had, so I'd like to figure out what exactly you are, what we are." Of course, speaking between kisses was his least favorite way to kiss, as he'd much rather be kissing his human than bearing his soul for far too many times that night, but again, it was necessary and he was ultimately happy to finally be in this place with her. Even so, the kisses were the sweetest he'd ever had, and he could go on for hours. In fact, as long as it didn't lead to more tonight, and if Chloe was okay with everything he'd just bore to her, he just might kiss her until they passed out.

Lucifer understood good and well the hesitation Chloe was feeling about everything after all that they'd been through, and while he respected it and even largely shared the same sentiments, he was more confident in them than ever before. If they were meant to do their damnedest to make it work between them, somehow, some way, they wouldn't be here together now. Even so, such a privilege was not to be abused, so Lucifer was more conscious of Chloe's body language than he'd ever been of anyone else's ever. So even as bombastic as the kiss was, no matter how badly he wanted every inch of her inside and out, forever and always, when she pulled back, as natural as it was, so did he, ever so gently. Not so gentle was the question his human posed next. It wasn't a pleasant one to answer, but the Devil understood it was a necessary one, and he could only answer honestly. "This morning, Detective..." He was a bit embarrassed by his answer, ashamed even, as he knew damn well he was squashing any and all chances of them going anywhere tonight, and likely tainting the moment they'd just had, but his honesty was a constant, and he wasn't going to start lying now, especially with his human and how far the pair had come. His gaze maintained hers, and he awaited her reply with an honesty in his eyes matching the moment.

[agerasiaa]

A crack fic about Lucifer, Vox and Husk making an Alastor Hate Club. And it’s just them once a week bonding over how much they hate Alastor and Husk realizes more and more how he doesn’t actually hate Alastor and is bitter about it, Lucifer randomly trauma dumps about his tragic life, and by each meeting Lucifer and Husk notice how Vox’s sheer hate borderlines on obsession and they share awkward glances every time he starts ranting and shows them his Alastor shrine or something. And when he makes some comments like “Alastor does this and that every day” (some very specific detail about him only a stalker/someone with a long history with Al would know) and the other two are like “how do you know” and he’s like “I just do.”

[tgtbata]

also posting the god&archangels family picture from my last art on its own because i'm proud of it 🌟

[squorttle-pox]

idk if it means anything really, but i think it's interesting how after all their time together as a couple in a christianity-adjacent world, lucifer and lilith only had one (1) child, and it was only 200 years ago at that

[beef-brisket]

Adam gently picked Lucifer up and carried him to the bed, where he made him sit.

With another towel, he started to dry his hair and face. Lucifer blushed as he was nearly chest height with Adam. He wanted to touch him so badly, but the thought that Adam would reject him was enough to make him start coughing again.

Adam: You're okay, bud. You're okay.

Adam rubbed his back until he stopped coughing. Lucifer was exhausted, feeling even more weak after that coughing fit.

Once Adam had finished drying his hair, he stepped back and looked down at Lucifer.

Adam: Would you like me to dry the rest of you?

Lucifer thought about the question he wanted him to for multiple reasons, but he didn't want Adam to be uncomfortable.

Lucifer: I... n-.

Adam: Lucifer. I don't mind, alright? I want to help you, I hold none of this against you, okay? If you're comfortable with me, do it, I will.

Lucifer: ...Y-Yes, please, A-Adam.

Adam smiled and tucked a strand of blonde hair behind Lucifer's ear. The act made Lucifer blush madly.

Adam left him on the bed as long as he could. He dried his arms and legs before doing his back. He was so careful. He didn't want to jolt or toss Lucifer around and make him cough or struggle to breathe.

Adam: Okay, you'd want to dry your bits, yeah?

No. Lucifer wanted Adam to do it. But he nodded and let Adam help him stand so he could finish drying himself.

Adam: Okay... do you have any pajamas or anything- oh. Okay, those uh...

Lucifer had snapped his fingers, and a litte fluffy duck onsie popped up onto the bed.

It looked adorable, Adam wasn't jealous or anything.

He helped Lucifer get dressed, and his heart melted at how cute the king looked. He couldn't believe this was the bastard that was actively beating his face a few months ago. But for some reason, the thought that Lucifer was so much stronger than Adam made him twitch in his pants.

Adam cursed himself. He was meant to be helping Lucifer, not getting turned on.

Lucifer: S-Sleep with me?

Adam: Uh- Sure, yeah.

Adam got Lucifer in bed and hopped in next to him. Lucifer pawed at his chest, making Adam blush. He did what the king wanted and lifted him softly onto his chest.

Adam: Try and sleep, okay man?

Lucifer nodded: C-Can you... tell me a story...?

Adam: A story? I don't really know any.

Lucifer: T-Tell me about Eden... please?

Eden. A place Adam craved but also wanted to forget.

Adam: ...Eden, huh? Y-Yeah, okay... I'm sure I can think of something.

He didn't want something too funny that would make Lucifer laugh, and he didn't want anything sad. So, he told Lucifer about the time he first found a lion.

They were his companions after Lilith and Lucifer left hi- the garden. The lion held him together when he was breaking.

But he won't tell Lucifer that.

When he saw a soft, weak smile on Lucifer's face, he knew he went with the right story.

@things-arent-what-they-seem66 @fanofstuff01

Hanahaki Disease

The day of the failed extermination was the end of many things for Lucifer. The end of Heaven's terror, the end of his isolation, the end of the Exorcists, but most importantly, it was the end of the First Man.

He had his fun, taunting Adam for anything and everything, his weight, his wives, his attitude. He knew there was no way in Hell Adam would ever be able to beat him, let alone hurt him. But it was fun to rile him up, fucker did put his hands on his daughter. He deserved it.

Feeling Adam's mask break open under his fist was so incredibly satisfying, but not as much as feeling the bones in Adam's face crack and snap as he landed blow after blow. Just when he was about to do something horrific with his Hellfire, he felt a warm touch on his shoulder.

Looking up, he was met with the face of his daughter, begging him for mercy. Of course, Lucifer felt a teeny tiny weeeny bit bad when he saw how much golden blood covered Adam's face and clothes. But that feeling quickly left when he crawled out of that crater to spew more self-righteous bullshit.

After that, everything was a blur. The sudden silver blade sticking out of Adam's chest, to him falling, landing on the ground with a sickening crack. The tiny maid on his back, stabbing him over and over. And laughing while doing it.

Lucifer watched as an angel with one arm ran over to Adam and pulled him onto his back. Her begging was hard to listen to. It was affecting a deep part of him that was making him feel sympathy for the pathetic bastard. He couldn't have that.

So, he threw them out. Every single one of them. Forcing the army to leave their dead to be feasted on by the cannibals.

Lucifer helped his daughter rebuild. He even cooked some pancakes for everyone.

It wasn't until he was sure everyone at the hotel was asleep that he went out to check the carnage. At least, that's what he told himself. But it was a useless lie as he beelined for Adam's body.

Lucifer felt sick as he saw the state of it. Most of his stomach was gone, his limbs bitten down to the bone. But the most painful thing was his wings. They were broken, snapped, and torn apart. Eaten.

He was eaten.

Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, the man twitched. And groaned. A bubbling noise escaped his throat, golden blood running out of his mouth.

He's alive.

Lucifer knelt down, his hand hovering just above his chest. It was definitely raising and falling. It was very weak, but it was still happening.

That's when Adam said his final words.

Adam: ...h-hate... you...

Lucifer watched as his eyes became empty. No feeling or purpose behind them. No holy light.

The day of the failed extermination was the end of many things for Lucifer. The end of his old friend. The end of all the good memories he had from Eden. The end of his hope to repair things with Adam.

But, the day after the failed extermination was the start of many things for Lucifer. The start of seeing Adam's chest slowly start to raise again. The start of Adam's stay at the Hazbin Hotel. The start of Lucifer's own personal Hell. The start of hanahaki disease.

It started the first day Adam was at the hotel. The man looked broken and defeated. He didn't even argue with Charlie when she told him about what he'd need to do to stay here. And she wasn't holding back, and neither was Maggie.

She had her spare pressed into Adam's neck the whole time. But the light in his eyes was gone, the need to fight back. He was still healing and was quite the horrid sight, but even that didn't give him any mercy from the members or workers at the hotel.

He watched Adam limp his way to the room Charlie said was his. The whole time, he said nothing, even when Lucifer made a few small threats to his life of he tried anything.

Lucifer felt a tickle in his throat, and he coughed and cleared it.

Lucifer: Hm. Weird. Better not have caught anything form those fucking angels.

Little did Lucifer know that was the start of something truly horrible.

[pricechecktranslations]

Is it possible that Allen and Rilliane are the reincarnation of the twins taken from Marina Lucif? They'd be Irregulars like Hansel and Gretel, and it would be poetic for them to wind up in the same family. I know Rilliane and Allen were supposed to be Hansel and Gretel, Irregular twins, but what if instead of outright changing fate she just altered it slightly. Since Allen and Rillane were supposed to be Irregular twins, fate adjusted accordingly and gave them the Lucif twins souls instead.

I suppose it's technically possible but there's never been anything saying one way or the other. The biggest problem I have with this theory is that this implies Allen and Riliane have lives previous to their lives as Allen and Riliane--that is, even if they only reincarnated the one time before (which, if Hansel and Gretel were fated to reincarnate through the Gluttony era, why not the Lucif twins? Why would they not also have multiple identities down the line?), that is still at least one identity that is never so much as touched on during Master of the Heavenly Yard, despite the novel featuring/mentioning all of their other identities (as well as all the identities of other characters who have reincarnated or otherwise changed form throughout the series).

More simply put, there are times in the story where this would have been relevant to mention, and the fact that mothy didn't at any point makes me think it's not the case.

(and it's not guaranteed that the Lucif children were Irregulars. Marina's husband took them--maybe unbeknownst to the Senate they were naturally conceived. there's not a lot of detail to go off of here.)

I also don't think "changing fate" is a. mechanic? In the way you're thinking of. Like, the point of that phrase is just "these twins were supposed to be the bodies for Hansel and Gretel. Instead Gretel ended up somewhere else where there could be no Hansel, and so Allen and Riliane had nothing to do with Hansel and Gretel despite looking identical to them". I think of it more like a computer glitch, something to hand-wave using the Kagamines for both sets of twins, not some prescient force able to make "adjustments".

This would also imply the existence of another set of Kagamine twins that the Lucifs were "fated" to reincarnate into, if they were Irregulars along this line, which is frankly getting into ridiculous territory.

[journey-to-the-attic]

YK ITS NO LONGER HALLOWEEN BUT!! ddvd luci, zhao, ik doing matching costumes like…think abt it. zhao and ik together can convince lucifer 100%. vampire family?! it works out until ik keeps gnawing on lucifer’s hand,, but yk i think ddvd luci would be very sad and sulky at ik growing up…js a bit when ik dosent need him as much anymore

“do you want to go get icecream? with the three flavors?”

“oh maybe later”

“o h okay”

5 minutes later

“luci it’s fine, she’s just a bit older now”

“IS IT??” as he looks like a sad old peacock man

it doesn't have to be halloween to think about matching costumes!!! love them being a vampire family... ik would be a little baby bat and zhao would hold her high up in the air so she can pretend she's flying and then lucifer would take them all for an ACTUAL flight (alternatively: they all go as dragons and lucifer almost burns down the hol because ik was so excited about him pretending to breathe fire with a spell)

i feel like they'd have a night-time routine that always involves little ik getting a story read to her, and the first night she says she doesn't want it lucifer stays awake for like four hours, staring at the ceiling silently until zhao distracts him with some of mammon's shenanigans

he is so so sad when ik first decides she doesn't want to get carried around anymore... he'll very subtly follow her as she goes about her Very Serious Kid Business, hoping she'll change her mind again - whenever she tires herself out enough to reach for him again, he's absolutely over the MOON and will be in a good mood for the rest of the week

(if anyone other than zhao points out that he's definitely sulking he'll glare at them and/or threaten to ground them. when zhao asks about it lucifer just looks at him with his equivalent of 🥺, which is basically just a frown, but different in a very subtle way that only zhao knows how to decipher)

[godsprettiestprincess]

Hmmm I think Dean should go from open antagonism to trying to treat Lucifer (wild wolf) the way he treats Castiel (beaten dog) and get mauled

[plenaurum]

I'm sorry I just--y'all actually care that much about how Solomon forged a pact with Asmo? I thought we all knew that he did it while Asmo was drunk. Like, yeah, he did it while Asmo couldn't give full consent because he was intoxicated and all that. And Asmo tried to charm Solomon into basically hooking up with him that same night.

Like? Of course Solomon did that? And I don't really care. And I'm saying this as someone who loves Asmo.

You know why I don't care? These are DEMONS! They manipulate and play with and even EAT humans all the time (allegedly unless they were just trying to scare MC)! No one here is morally sound. Solomon's actions are wrong but they aren't particularly evil to me. It just doesn't stand out.

[autism-corner]

i cannot.

[temis-de-leon]

Pick me girls and Dateables - Part 3

Characters: Diavolo, Barbatos, Solomon and Simeon (x reader, separately)

Part 1 - Lucifer, Mammon and Levi (x reader, separately)

Part 2 - Satan, Asmo, Beel and Belphie (x reader, separately)

Masterlist

CW: pick me girl behavior, suggestive, mentions of sex, mentions of violence and threats, mentions of concubines (no concubines, tho), implied marriage (??), jealous mc, some fluff, some hurt, some comfort, the most ooc out of every part of the series, Barbatos's part is based on one of his chats (A patissier's suffering?)

A/N at the end.

.

Diavolo

So the Devildom had concubines, what about it? It's not like Diavolo had any concubines. You were his only partner and, apparently, the first one in a long while. You had nothing to worry about.

Still, it was impossible not to feel so dejected when every single one of the demons in his court buttered him up so blatantly, not caring that you were next to him, arms linked and fingers intertwined.

And he smiled. Of course, what else could he do but smile? He had a duty to fulfill and that probably meant keeping certain people happy, right?

At least, that was the mantra in your head. Your heart kept hurting itself, but having a reason made it manageable.

"Well? Have you thought about it?"

You turned to your side and stared at the demoness beside you. She was mesmerizing and looking at her directly made you lose focus.

Have I thought about it? I haven't stop thinking about it.

"Remember that I'm acting on behalf of his wellbeing" she said sweetly, caressing your wrist like she wanted to flirt with you "And I guess I could make you happy too"

That made you laugh without an ounce of humor. Both of you knew she wasn't being serious about that one and you wondered why she said it in the first place. Making her Diavolo's concubine would make her his wife in everything but paper. Did she expect giving you orgasms would make you happier about it?

"Leave me alone" you whispered against your drink, not trusting your voice to act decently.

"How can you be so selfish?" she spat, leaving you speechless "This is for his own good. How long will you live, human? Do you expect him to be alone after your death? My only wish is to keep him company once you're gone and starting now would make the transition easier. He'll still love you, sure, but this way he could be happier. How can you not understand something so simple?"

A demon she was, you remembered. Had you been a regular human, you would've believed her concerned face, but to you it was obvious how impatient she was and how much she wanted to leave you there, alone and breaking, so she could finally speak to Diavolo.

"MC"

Both of you jumped, turning around just to see Barbatos's unfazed smile.

"Lord Diavolo asks for you" he informed when you didn't answer, too surprised to react. "Follow me if you please"

"If I may" intervened your companion, close to giving you a heart attack "I must speak to Prince Diavolo. It's an urgent matter"

The butler looked at you, asking for your permission, but you didn't know how to react. It seemed your throat decided to stop working at that exact moment.

"Very well, then"

The demoness eagerly jumped at his words, not wasting a second in leaving the corner you were occupying to look for the prince, who had finally stopped talking to his subjects and was sitting alone in his throne.

Barbatos stared at her before offering you his arm.

"You have nothing to worry about"

He seemed confident, so you believed him. However, the distance you walked towards the throne felt longer than ever.

Your boyfriend looked unnaturally serious at your arrival, an expression his face was not made for. It softened when he saw you, but, still, he didn't fully smile.

"My love, come here" he palmed his thigh and not in a million years would you reject that offer.

Diavolo smiled at the speed you moved, barely restraining himself from kissing you. Instead, he turned to the demoness and presented her to you.

"I believe you've met her already, MC. Did you know about her offer? Did you know she wishes to serve me?"

He patiently waited for your answer, holding you against his chest and caressing your hip bones with the pad of his fingers and the tip of his nails, making you shiver.

Serve? That's the word she decided to use? She wasn't lying, sure, but it was far from the intention she actually had.

"We talked about it" you said in the end.

There was silence for a few seconds, broken only by the sounds of people still drinking and dancing. Diavolo and Barbatos looked at each other, having a conversation no one else could hear.

"I take it you rejected her proposition?"

Obviously.

You nodded and he cupped your face with a sad frown. Your heart skipped a beat.

"That's a pity, my love"

For a moment you moved away from him, too lost in your incredulity to answer or even acknowledge the crazy smile on the demoness's face, but, not even a second later, Diavolo brought you back to him and continued.

"She would've make a wonderful lady in waiting"

Huh?

"Wait, what?"

Both of you ignored the woman, who looked like she'd been slapped in the face with something rotten, which, in her mind, was probably accurate.

"I asked to serve you, my Lord, not the human..."

"Beware your words" interrupted Barbatos, his tail swishing behind him like a whip.

She stopped talking then, very obviously swallowing her opinions. Diavolo speaked again.

"By serving you, she'll serve me. Give her an opportunity to make you happy and, if she fails, we'll get rid of her"

What did he mean, get rid of her? You opened your mouth to ask, but he jerked his leg, making you jump. His smile was wide, but his eyes held a warning.

You decided to let it go.

"Okay"

Diavolo laughed as loud as he usually did, finally hugging you and ignoring both Barbatos's reprimanding glance and the demoness's sour expression.

But wait.

Wait.

He said 'lady in waiting'. Like... Uh...

Were you getting married?

Barbatos

'I'll be waiting in the classroom'

That's what his last message said.

And you'd never be dumb enough to reject that invitation. ¿Spending time with your boyfriend and eating his homemade cookies? Hell yeah!

You just had to be careful not to catch Beel's attention, avoiding the main hallways and hiding between the taller students, which were almost everyone.

By the time you finally arrived to the classroom (you got lost, but you'd never admit that to anyone), you were fairly sure all of your classmates had already gone home.

Alas, you were wrong.

Barbatos's figure was as composed as ever, but you knew him just enough to know how irritated he actually was. Were you this late? It was never your intention!

But no, no, that wasn't the root of the problem.

You knew her, kinda. Not personally, but you'd seen her a lot of times in the castle, cleaning plates in the kitchen or clearing up the table after one of Diavolo's dinner parties. She looked weird in the school's uniform instead of the one the maids used, but you guessed they too had to go to RAD, just like the brothers did.

So why did Barbatos look so uncomfortable?

Both of them stared at you when you entered, walking towards him while staring at her in search of an explanation.

"MC! You're finally here"

He smiled at you with candid eyes, discreetly holding your hand and restraining himself from kissing you in front of the girl, who cleared her throat to break the moment and grinned at Barbatos like you weren't there at all.

Foolish mistake if you'd ever seen one.

Your boyfriend frowned before turning in her direction, clearly giving her one last oportunity before kicking her out of there and reclaiming his alone time with you.

The girl purposely made herself meek, lowering her gaze as if making visual contact with him was too much, something you could totally understand.

"Master Barbatos, please, I'm begging you. I just wish to learn"

You raised your eyebrows and waited for his answer. Instead, she kept talking.

"I'll follow every one of your orders, sir, I promise" arms behind her back and body slightly swaying, you now understood why he was in the edge of snapping "The others don't appreciate you as much as I do. I'll be your best student"

He stared at her, you stared at her, she stared at him, batting her lashes with a weirdly fake innocent smile.

Her demeanor vanished when the Royal Butler spoke.

"I recomend you stop this nonsense at once" he finally said, breaking the uncomfortable silence "You're embarrassing yourself and Lord Diavolo's service's good reputation"

The poor maid gaped like a fish, although you weren't feeling bad for her.

You stayed behind him, closing the distance as much as possible while staring at her over his shoulder. If you ate a cookie now, would it be too much? He'd probably forgive you, but you'd rather not risk your chances.

"You will stay on cleaning duty as long as I say and you will stop the rumors that I know have been traveling all around the castle"

She lowered her gaze again, this time in submission and humiliation. His voice sounded venomous and you could swear the room's temperature dropped a few degrees. The air was still and smelled damped and rottening.

"If the gossip hasn't disappear by midnight, rest assured, I will make sure you keep your mouth fully shut"

The threat was clear in his words, something that shouldn't, but still surprised you. The maid trembled in response before bowing and running out the classroom.

You stared at the door in surprise, not turning around until he talked again.

"Do forgive me, my dear, but you know how much I dispise rats"

He sounded scarier than ever, letting his forked tongue slip between his teeth before he searched around the room, like he was trying to find more pests.

Then, he turned to you and smiled like nothing happened, holding a cookie to your mouth as the tips of his gloved fingers caressed your jaw.

"Let's forget about this ordeal, MC. After all, I saved these just for you"

Solomon

If there was something worse than feeling jealous, it was Solomon knowing you were jealous.

You thought you could catch a break, uh? Well, you couldn't be more wrong: your boyfriend knew the moment he saw you staring at that witch.

She was cute, you guessed? Nothing exceptional, but not hideous either. You wouldn't mind at all if not for the fact that she used her appearance like a nuclear weapon.

"Oh, you're so cute!" she'd told you once "I wish I was as cute as you!"

And at first you thought nothing of it. She was just being nice! A little weird about it, sure, but who wasn't weird in RAD?

Except, she wasn't looking at you when she said that, but, instead, at your boyfriend.

Of course, Solomon, unbothered as ever, was too engrossed in the cooking book he'd borrowed from the library to pay attention.

(Later that night you had to order takeout, but you were already counting on that).

The point was: she was trying too hard. You couldn't blame her, really, you dated Solomon for a reason; but still. She was getting on your nerves.

"I'm so dumb... I'll never get it! Solomon, can you help me with this?"

Opening a door with magic? Difficult? Yeah, right.

"I've never dated a human before... How is it, MC? I bet Solomon is a great boyfriend"

He has his moments.

"Solomon! Sit with me, I saved you a seat! Why? Oh, I concentrate better when you're here!"

Shit, could she concentrate at all?

"You're so powerful! You'll have to let me have him for a night, MC! He could teach me a couple of things..."

You closed your fist, staring at her with a frown while talking yourself out of mauling her across the table. You didn't need Lucifer's rants about impropriety and self restraint on top of all of this.

"MC and I have a lesson tonight" the sorcerer said with a polite smile, unusually kind eyes and an unreadable expression "Would you like to tag along?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes, lowering her gaze in embarrassment, although you weren't sure if she was really embarrassed.

"Could we hang out alone, tho? I don't want MC to see how dumb I am. They're so much better than me! I bet I need you more than they do!"

Well, you didn't need to study with her to know she was dumb as bricks.

You looked at Solomon, opening your eyes so much in bewilderment that even the insides of your cornea were getting dry. Not a second later he turned to you, smiling with mischief, and then you remembered who were you actually dating.

"It's either this or nothing. Be in Purgatory Hall at 6, we won't be waiting for you"

The witch quickly looked at you, frustrated at his words. It wasn't ideal, you knew, thirdwheeling your crush and his partner in a study date, but what else did she expect? Every other option was plain stupid.

"Okay"

She snorted, trying to hide the disgust and disappoinment without much success. Once she left you alone, swaying her hips and her ponytail, you punched Solomon in the arm and reveled in his pain.

"MC!! Relax!"

"Don't tell me to relax!"

You tried to choke him, but he hid his neck under his shoulders before you could lift yourself to reach him better. He knew you too well.

"MC, I have an idea! You'll like it, believe me!"

"Oh, really?"

"I swear!"

Once free from your attacks, Solomon avoided your eyes and stared at his hands. It took him a couple of seconds before he could look at you again, cheeks red, while he spoke from his heart.

"I couldn't care less about her attempts, MC, but she's obviously making you uncomfortable. I won't let this keep going if I can do something about it"

"But why did you invite her to our lesson, then?"

He laughed in a carefree manner, still blushing while he took your hands in his, looking at you like he was about to uncover a precious secret.

"As your teacher, I want you to explore your potential to the maximum"

His voice lowered to a whisper and you got closer to him, letting your body shiver when his breath caressed the skin of your neck.

"Say, MC, wouldn't you like to have your very own training dummy?"

Simeon

Oh, the privileges of being friends with the most powerful demons in the Devildom.

All you had to do was pout a little and act like you were miserable, missing the warmth of the sun and the familiar scenery of the human world. Of course, all of them knew you were exaggerating, but none would take the risk of actually making you sad.

So there you were, waiting for your drinks while Simeon sunbathed outside, sitting in one of those ornate metal chairs and writing some loose ideas for his next book in a napkin. After all, you'd be crazy if you ever went to the human realm without using the opportunity to have a date with your sweetheart of a boyfriend.

If not for the brightness of his suit, he would look like a college student from an old movie, all dreamy and focused in his own world.

And, apparently, you weren't the only one thinking that.

There were a group of girls outside the cafe, all of them young, maybe even fresh out of high school, staring at Simeon like he was some kind of celebrity. Maybe it was his angelic charisma? Maybe it was just his good looks? Whatever the reason, the girls seemed ready enough to conquer the world and they wanted to start with your boyfriend.

You studied your surroundings, realizing with an uncomfortable weigh in your chest just how busy the place was. There was no way you were getting your order in less than five minutes, even being the first in line, so the only thing you could do was wait and hope the girls wouldn't bother Simeon too much.

They stayed in a closed circle for a few moments until one of them finally dared to go and talk to him. She tried to sit in the second chair, but Simeon stopped her with a quick movement of his hand, probably saying he was saving it for you.

That made you laugh, but you were starting to get second hand embarrassment. You could tell she was trying hard to catch his attention, twirling her hair around her finger and hugging her waist to make her breasts look bigger.

You couldn't see Simeon's face, but, by the way he was scratching the paper, it was obvious he was losing focus on whatever he was previously writing, which would only make him irritated.

Fortunately, and rather rudely, the waitress finally gave you the styrofoam cups and immediately ignored you again, but you couldn't care less. The girl returned to her friends just as you stepped out of the cafe, letting you know part of what happened.

"He said he didn't know what part of him made him look interested in me" she snarled with a hint of hurt in her voice, trying to hide it with offense "That I should find someone that actually finds me entertaining"

Her friends gasped and you had to stop yourself from laughing. He wasn't usually that snappy, but she did interrupt his daydreaming.

"I don't even care what he thinks, he's just some dude! I can catch anyone I want, you know?"

Anyone but him, apparently, but the only thing her friends could do was agree.

Shaking your head and holding one drink in each hand, you stopped the eavesdropping and hurried towards him, leaning over his shoulder to kiss his cheek and smiling softly when he raised his hands to stroke your hair. He was warm from the sun, but he still curled close to you even after letting you sit next to him.

The girls audibly gasped at your actions, clearly offended by your presence as if Simeon would change his mind if they waited enough.

You couldn't bring yourself to pay them attention. Not when he was caressing your knuckles with such love in his touch and a feeling so deep in his eyes that it made your heart violently stop.

"So what were you writing?"

He smiled and eagerly showed you the napkin. By the time you turned around, the girls were already gone.

Tagging the party: @hello-gloomy @the-sassiest-toaster @hero-nii-blog @yourlocalyin @elaemae @eliciria @darkflowerav

Author's note:

Simeon's part sucked the soul out of me (not in the good way), but at least it's well-written. Also, this will be the last part for now: I don't know Mephisto, Raphael or Thirteen enough, so they won't be in any of my posts (for now)

[ambrosiagoldfish]

I've never sent a request before, but I'm fiending for more adam, like anything, anything at all

Benefit of the doubt

Adam x 3rd Spouse! Reader

Viewer discretion is advised

Warnings: Angst(?), Not exactly fluff at the end but it gets better, typical Adam TW’s, reader low-key high-key has a complex about being loved, this is set way before the show, and Gn! Reader. (Also Y/n isn’t used, which also surprised me, the author, LMAO)

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Request Box: Open

Word count: 1760

A/N: Hi! Thanks for the request! I haven’t had a chance to write something that was originally my own idea in a while, so this was very refreshing! I’ve had this idea since I’ve watched the show so I hope you enjoy it!

I’m entirely up for making a small series from this oneshot, but I would need to know y’all’s opinion on it! (So don’t feel scared to let me know if you want some more of this idea in my Request box/the replies on this post!!)

Also Adam may be slightly OOC but please just chalk it up to him not yet getting his ego’s dick sucked 24/7

Anyways, I hope you all enjoy, let me know if you do!

Proofread but of course could have left mistakes!

You’ve existed for almost all of human existence, Almost.

You were the 4th being to be created during the time of Eden. But unlike the other 3, you weren’t human. In fact, you technically never lived before. An honestly hopeless existence, yet it was so beautiful in every way. But for what purpose? Well…

You were created shortly after Eve ate the apple, before she and eventually Adam committed the first act of sin that caused evil to latch onto humanity like a leech.

The reason for your existence was simple. To be Adam’s new spouse, except for when after he died. From the very moment Eve bit the fruit of temptation, it was already decided she would hold no place in heaven. Adam was given mercy due to him not possessing any knowledge of the fruit Eve had shared with him, he trusted her wholeheartedly. Which is exactly why heaven gave him mercy… no, pity would be a better choice of words.

Upon your creation you learned immediately of the happenings before your existence. About Lilith and Eve, and about Lucifer

And so, after Adam and Eve were casted away from the Garden, they continued to live their lives, fostering the existence of mankind for the rest of time. And when they eventually died, Adam was given pity while Eve was thrown to the wayside, the vast unknown.

You thought it was finally your time to experience existence with the one you loved, the one you were made for. Of course you never would know life as he did but surely your life never-after life could be just as meaningful as his.

How excited you were, how completely enamored by the thought of it. But there was a problem with that, Adam had grown into a new person, he was meant to of course, he was human. But he had grown selfish, abhorrent… insecure.

You understood why, to be betrayed by not one but two of his wives for the same person. You couldn’t possibly imagine what he could be feeling. Before you were to meet your future husband, Sera informed you that he had asked for a mask, and once on, he has refused to take it off.

That didn’t bother you, it’s irrelevant to your love for him. You've only heard descriptions of his features. Short Brown hair, gold eyes, bushy eyebrows, some scruff on his chin. All in all, he sounded perfectly fine, ordinary even. But even then it’s his choice to wear the mask, so you’ll respect it.

Finally, the time he arrived in heaven, and when Sera finally introduced you, his new spouse, the one to whom would be by his side for the rest of forever.

He rejected you outright.

“What?” Your breath hitched as you stuttered over the word, the sharp inhale of your lungs through your mouth flicked through the air.

Sera looked just as shocked as you but she quickly regained her composure “What is the meaning of this Adam?”

“If you think I’m going to let my life get fucked over by another one of your “gifts” well, you’ve got another thing coming!” He crossed his arms and shook his head defyingly. “I’ve already learned my lesson with those last 2 bitches.”

“Adam I’m sorry that happened to you but I would never-“ almost like lightning his finger shot to your mouth, shushing you.

“Save it, Sweetcheeks, I really don’t care what you have to say, so just stay there and look pretty, k?” His hand fell and grabbed the sides of your face, squishing your cheeks together, his LED mask flashing a sharp smile.

You saddeningly looked down at the clouds below you.

“Adam!” Sera’s voice sounded through the air, still soft but firm, she continued, placing a hand on your shoulder, “Divine judgment allowed you to be the first human soul in heaven, so I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I expect you to give your new spouse that same grace.”

Slowly your eyes looked up at Sera with a soft smile. Adam only groaned “Ugh, Fine but don’t be fuxking annoying, capiche?” You nod your head quickly.

“Very good, glad we have it settled.” Sera gives a quick smile, “now, I have some business to take care of so I’ll leave you two alone to get to know one another” With that, Sera flew away leaving the both of you alone.

The silence was thick in the air, the only sound being the occasional wind breeze blowing past. The sunlight creeps in through the clouds painting an orange sky above you both. In every sense of the word, it was perfect.

It was almost funny. You had waited so long to finally meet him, your true love, the one you were made for. All the things you dreamed about, the laughs you’d have together, the warm embrace of the person who you loved. But now… you didn’t know what to say…

“I’m… happy to finally meet you.” Your voice is quiet, almost non-audible. “I’ve been waiting for you since… well, forever…”

He doesn’t respond. He seems to be transfixed on something below you both. You train your eyes on whatever he’s watching only to see the dark cavernous abyss below you. Finally he breaks his silence.

“The fuck is that?” He asked pointing down, a sound of genuine intrigue hidden behind his abrasive voice

“That’s hell?” You stated confused “where would-be sinners will go to be punished, didnt you k-“ you suddenly realized that perhaps Adam really didn’t know what hell was. It was only created relatively recently, after Eve and Him ate the apple, of course he wouldn’t know. “it’s also where Lucifer-“

“Don’t fucking say his name.” Adam spoke, his voice rough in his speech. LED mask putting a harsh frown on his face. “Let’s get one thing straight M”Kay babe, if you’re my “new spouse” that’s something you should remember.” The “new spouse” was said with a tone clearly meant to mock you.

“Sorry…”

“Ugh, It’s fine, just don’t do it again.” He groaned before a wicked smile crept onto his mask “Sooo, that means he’s going to be stuck with all the wasteful beings of existence, HA fuxkin’ hilarious. Guess that makes them the losers and us the Winners!”

His laugh filled the air, the sound was like music to your ears, sure maybe it wasn’t really what you’d hoped he’d fine funny, but you loved it all the same but eventually his laugh died down

Silence again… in admits of all of it you suddenly was sparked with a thought “oh!” Adam looked confused at the random exclamation. “I had almost forgotten… I brought you something, as a welcome gift or was it a nice to meet you gift? Both? Eh, it doesn’t matter but the point is-“ you suddenly snap your fingers.

Golden light began shining, the light seemed like liquid hot magma as it moved and molded slowly into a shape. Light seemed to be overlapping and churning into itself, forming your desired outcome. With one final snap of your fingers, the gleaming gold liquid took hold, and quickly hardened to a solid.

The object that had formed quickly fell down, landing in your arms with a light thud.

“I’m still learning this creation stuff, so I’m sorry if it’s not perfect but-“ you hold out the object in your arms as an invitation to grab it “I learned from Sera that you liked to play guitar when you were alive, so I thought you might like to have one here…”

Adam looked at the instrument in your hands. The base color was gold, the neck was pearly white with gold strings. To be honest it looked more like a harp then anything, like if a guitar and a harp had a baby.

Silence again. Did he not like it? Did he hate it? You go to pull it back to you and apologize when suddenly it’s ripped out from your hands.

“Holyshit, this is sick as Fuck!” Adam immediately started playing some rifts on the new guitar. The sound wasn’t what you were expecting but you guess Sera was right about his talent with the instrument. The whole time his mask had a wide and sharp smile as he mimicked guitar sounds with his voice, the occasional laugh leaving his mouth.

“I’m really glad you like it” you say, a sigh of relief leaving your body.

Adam looked at you, one you missed. He saw how relieved you were, how nice you were being. No person who supposedly loved him ever gifted him something, well, one other did. Someone he trusted and loved more than everyone, anyone. But look how that ended, with them being removed from the garden, away from an eternity of happiness until he died. All from someone giving him what he thought was nothing but love, a gift.

But he could see that this was different, you were different. When Eve gave him the apple, she didn’t explain what it was or why she wanted him to eat it, even when he asked her she didn’t explain. But with you, you had not only given him something you knew he liked but also expressed the reason behind it. Yes, you were different, even Adam could see it.

“Anyways, thanks for the axe, I guess…” Adam for the first time was stunned, but quickly he continued “What was the thing that Sera chick said about me and “divine judgment” or whatever the fuck? That she gave me the “benefit of the doubt…”

You were a bit confused but continued listening, “I guess I should at least try to give you a chance, since you got me this sick ass guitar an’ shit.” Your face lit up, you about began to speak before you were, once again, shushed “B-B-But-” his finger tapped your lips with each repeated syllable ”-only a chance. If you betray me like those last 2 bitches then you’re done, got it?”

To say you were overjoyed would be an understatement, a smile quickly plastered across your face as you quickly nodded your head

“Alright good, so uh, what do ya say about showing me the best places to get a bite to eat around here, I could really go for some ribs right about now.”

“ I’d… love to, thank you Adam”

“Yeah don’t mention it Sweetcheeks” Adam quickly wrapped his arm around your shoulder and you two began walking.

Maybe you will get your eternity of happiness.you can only pray you do.